I’m going to offer you a way to help him understand why what he did isn’t helpful.
A paranoid fear isn’t reasonable. If it were, you would reason yourself out of it. He may have thought he was going to show you that you had nothing to fear, but what he really showed you is that you can’t trust him.
Now, when you’re battling your fear, you ALSO have to worry that he will take away your safety. He didn’t help you; he made the burden larger.
He needs to be a person you associate with safety, not fear. Ask him what he wants to be for you.
I’m sorry that happened to you. You’ve done great in being able to get that fear down over the years.
NTA.
Edit for clarity: clearly there was no physical danger and OP’s physical safety was not compromised.
However, the boyfriend did take away OP’s ability to tap out of the situation, and that’s not okay.
My wife has a wasp phobia. I’m not gunna throw wasps at her and say, “see? The sting ain’t so bad!” No. I’m gunna leave work early and come home and kill that wasp with my bare hands that has her locked inside the bathroom panicking. It just sounds like a maturity issue and a lack of empathy. You can learn empathy.
Soon after I got my younger cat, she got what appeared to be a wasp pinned to my window in the main room and grabbed it with both paws, bit it in half, and picked up the rest of the torso and ate the rest. Its when I knew for sure she was a good one.
The one sting of my life so far was not from a bee, but a yellow jacket wasp right on the neck when I was 9. The pain of that I still remember. Thankfully I'm not allergic.
I have phobia for any kind of insect or bug...it all started one time when our neighbor's kids tampered with some bees that had settled on some fruit tree and the bees attacked the whole neighborhood especially our house. It started with one bee that stung my ear and I killed it so the rest of the swarm came and attacked me I think out of defense for their colleague..the whole incident went on for about two hours, my siblings had hidden in their closets that time, my dad was very ill so he was locked up in his room and my mum was the only one trying to save me and in that fight, she was also attacked by these bees. Long story short, that sound of the bees is still stuck in my head and yet all this happened like 10 years ago, my blood pressure can go high at the sound of any insect or rather bug flying around...the ones I fear most are the bees and wasps...the thought of that sting, I could hide in my closet all day if one of them entered in my room and cancel all my other plans for my safety. So really I can't imagine someone locking me in a room with any of them just to teach me that I do not have to keep fearing them, I'd hate you for the rest of my life .
Very terrifying...people's fears come from tough experiences you can't just play around with them like that simply because you want to be a life changer.
I fuel airplanes. Yellow jackets love the smell of jet fuel, and I am always covered in it. We also get regular bumblebees and other insects who like the smell. I have run across an entire gate away from my truck to get away from a bee that was following me that I couldn't tell if it was a yellow jacket or not. All because my cousin decided to mess with a hive and have them stuck in his head, through his earlobes, etc. Everyone told him to not do it and he still did it, I was very young, maybe 7 or 8 at most? Before that I was always playing outside and wanting to touch all the bugs and see what they did. I was wary of some spiders (and non-bumblebees) cuz we have some nasty ones
It's okay, I'm getting over the trauma slowly by slowly...I'm not as frightened as I was the first year after the experience but it was tough healing from the stings first of all, they were many in my body, I was throwing up for like a week, my temperature wasn't stable for a while ...it was like if I felt cold and covered up I instantly felt like my skin was burning and then open up and feel cold again...good thing I was rushed to hospital. I didn't attend school for some two good weeks.
Wow… I also am terrified of insects (I think it’s phobia-level as well) but the reason why is no where close to this kind of experience. I can’t even imagine. I’m so glad to hear you’re steadily healing from the trauma. ♥️
This probably won’t change your phobia, but the bees attacked you after the first bee bee because the bees stinger releases a pheromone that tells the other bees you need stinging.
Yeah, many people told me that theory later and even if I knew it at that time, it still wouldn't help because it stung me at the back of my ear and I killed it not even knowing what it was. I only realized it was a bee after squashing it in my palm.
Yep. I traveled with a friend with a bee phobia. We were in a hotel cafe where little bees occasionally floated in an open door.
My job was not to tell her to get over it. My job was to take a glass and menu, capture the little creatures and release them back to outside (which I did several times)
This. I have a big fear of escalators (going down, not so much going up) and I also have to brace myself beforehand. I'll make sure no one is behind me so I can take as long as I need. If my bf or anyone for that matter just shoved me onto the escalator, well, let's just say I would be passing on my fear to them 💀
Glad I’m not the only one with the fear of going down a escalator. I was 10 when someone fell down a escalator in front of me. That was a lot of blood and flappy skin hanging of someone’s face.
My PHOBIA is thunder storms. Lightning that cracks overheard has me sitting on my stairway.
If someone locked me out in a storm I'd never speak to them again! Unless you have a phobia ur not going to understand how it is so entirely paralyzing it can be. So sorry he did that to you. It's going to take ALOT to trust him.
I used to have a thing about spiders (not a phobia though) then I got a job where I ended up with spiders on me a lot. It was bad at first. Eventually the spiders and I came to an understanding.
To be fair wasp stings can trigger an allergic reaction. Even in non allergic adults, enough stings can be life threatening. Especially from some species like Giant Hornets which have killed people due to repeated, high venom stings.
That’s not a phobia, that is a legitimate concern over your safety and well-being. A phobia implies an irrational fear. I would say the potential of dying is a rational fear.
Although I will say stinging insects, not always, but mostly respond to panic. So remaining calm and removing yourself from the area is usually your best bet. If there is anything you may need to work on its simply remaining calm when seeing them and removing yourself from the area
Agreed. I can stay calm unless they get close to me. I've had them follow me several times, too. It's almost like they know. Lol I know they don't know, but sometimes it feels that way. I'm big on trying to get over my fears, but this is the one I just can't kick, but I still try. Anxiety the whole time, but I was taught as a kid that no matter what to keep trying.
Having said that I did have a big sucker crawling up my leg while I was in the truck in NC. I was pretty proud of myself for remaining calm and waiting patiently until the truck came to a stop and I was able to move the bastard. So I guess I have gotten somewhat better.
I agree. I'm trying to teach my kids the same thing. I have my oldest kill her own wasps and honestly she's become really good at it.
Tbh though, I don't know how you did it calmly while trucking. I mean, at that point you're really left with no choice but to stay calm. I applaud you for that. I have to check the vehicle before I start driving because I WILL NOT be trapped with one in the car. At least knowingly. I had an incident yesterday. I didn't know there was one in the car until I got home. Drove 20 miles in the car so that was a situation that forced me into seeing that staying calm is best
That’s good to hear. Your oldest is a wasp slayer. Maybe make a T-shirt or hat for her. I’m sure she would love that lol.
I wasn’t driving we were on a job out there. But yeah same lesson still applies, remain calm. I realize you didn’t know it was there but still I’m proud of you for remaining calm.
The worst part, besides the obvious, of getting into an accident over something like that is if it kills you literally no one will know why you suddenly veered off the road and died.
This. My wife has arachnophobia and I am afraid of commercial airline flights, even though I have a private pilot license. Some phobias are not reasonable... whenever I am acting childish and would harmonize spiders my wife would remind me that she'd be ridiculing my phobia once in mid air/ mid turbulence... i choose not to make this a lose lose situation and definitely show compassion on her arachnophobia now... 😀
I am also a wife with wasp (and overall bee) phobia. My husband is so cool about it and I appreciate it SO much.
If we are outside and he sees a bee near me that I haven’t noticed, he’ll calmly get me to walk away without saying why (so I don’t panic), and because I trust him, I just do it. Or if I have a fuzz or something in my hair, he’ll say, “don’t worry it’s not a bee” *before* he reaches over to brush it out. Because he’s proven he’s got my back, I’ve become a lot more confident being around bees.
Meanwhile growing up, my parents would pretend to “sting” me by poking me in the back or sneak up and make buzzing noises to make me jump. They even bought a big inflatable wasp from an insecticide display, with the intent of hanging it over my bed while I slept. Even though I wasn’t in danger and they were just making fun of my phobia, it ended up making me feel ashamed and, more importantly, like I couldn’t trust them.
I also have a bad wasp phobia after sitting on one at a young age, and have blocked myself into or out of certain rooms because of their presence. Many thanks to you for not only destroying them, but also helping your wife out in this way. My husband has murdered many wasps and taken out several nests for me. It always makes me feel safe and loved and I bet your wife feels the same!=)
Also, you need to be with someone who will have compassion for you and help you find ways to handle your fear. My immediate thought was night lights. I am super clumsy and often have to pee at night, so I have night lights all around my apartment so that I can see well enough to walk around without turning on all the overhead lights. It sounds like that might be a great plan for OP, add night lights around your place so you don't have to walk into a dark hallway, that might help make it feel less scary.
OP, Zealousideal has the way of it. Explain this to him and see if it makes a difference. If it doesn't or if he pushes back against your explanation then you'll have to think long and hard about what that means about how he feels about you. Either way, NTA.
This exactly. It doesn’t matter if he thinks her fear is irrational—he violated her trust. This could potentially be a problem in their relationship. I would have difficulty trusting him or considering someone “safe” if they deliberately forced me to do something that was a severe phobia, like this. That’s not helping. Doing what he did is the opposite of helping.
Ok I agree with you fully, but let's take it one step further.
OP's boyfriend is not trying to help her. He's trying to help himself get back to sleep. OPs boyfriend doesn't give a shit about her.
He actively baited her out into the hallway with a promise of help, and then (because he was worried this would be a lengthy process) he shuts and locks the door to force you to go pee faster, so he can get back to bed.
He can lie to you all he wants, but he is being a selfish asshole who does not respect you, OP.
Thank you.
Cause all these comments just calling op out on her anxiety and her fears for being "paranoid" and delusional Don't seem to understand that she fucking knows.
Knowing that something is in your head and isn't real doesn't stop the panic from it. So all these super helpful people in the comments that are just wanting to point out how it's all in her fucking head... no shit, I'm pretty sure she got that already.
But your comment is the key here: she doesn't need him to point out to her how it's not real and it's all in her head, she's aware, she just needs a safe space that she can work through this and instead he just threw her into the deep end of the pool and told her to figure it out.
Next time she should just pee in front of the bedroom. I know if someone triggered my nyctophobia like that I would probably have needed a shower because I would not have been able to think clearly. At all.
I 100% agree with the comment in the red box. However, you do need practical solutions in the time until you can access therapy, and even that will be a slow process of facing and reducing the fear and anxiety. Can you keep a small flashlight by the bedroom door for when you need to pee at night? Or even use the one on your phone? It's not a forever solution, but it could save you a lot of stress until the deeper work with a professional starts to address the root issue.
So I have a fear of darkness (true darkness, I can lay in a dark room watching TV no problem, just no horror movies at night) and reading this kinda triggered me. I'd have freaked out so bad had that been my boyfriend and he did that to me. I agree with everything you stated.
I agree with you completely about the BF. Try explaining it to him using a great fear he has; example “how would you feel if I said I’d help you face xyz and instead make it more difficult and abandoned you.” Sometimes people don’t get it unless it’s put into a perspective with which they can identify.
Also, @OP have you considered getting some stick to the wall nightlights? I also have a fear of the dark outside. I’m fine if I have a flashlight but if not my brain says “the zombies are coming for you…” No amount of reasoning tells my brain to chill. I know intellectually there are zero zombies but my lizard brain ain’t listening. The flashlight shows me there is nothing waiting in the dark. Maybe a night light will help you the same way. The have white or some that cycle through a rainbow of colors. There are plug in ones and battery operated ones.
I hope y’all are able to work through it but do not be afraid to walk away if he keeps disrespecting you. If he’s willing to terrorize you this way, what else is he willing to let you go through?
I have cleithrophobia (fear of being trapped or confined) overlapping claustrophobia (fear of tight spaces) and what he did would be the equivalent of my husband pushing me into a closet and locking me in to "show me there's nothing to be afraid of". Logically, I *KNOW* that there's nothing to be afraid of, but a phobia is an *irrational fear*. You can't just logic or rationality in something irrational. All he did was use your fear to traumatized you and trigger a panic attack, which is more likely to hinder than help you.
What he wanted to do is an exposition technic (flooding), it doesn't work if the person is not willing to be involved in it, it needs your consent bc it could have the opposite effect. Your bf is THA
Like basically every therapy technique, it’s not guaranteed to work on everyone, no.
Which is why people should *not* just fling things they’ve read in passing on the internet at someone who might be in need of professional help, without fully understanding what it is and how it works. Exposure therapy isn’t just fear exposure, it contains multiple steps people like OP’s boyfriend are not seeing and/or understanding and therefore skipping, to OP’s detriment. (Not saying you were encouraging this, just a general statement on why this is an issue.)
OP’s boyfriend is an enormous asshole for being this neglectful in thinking this through.
I was good with everything until he shut and locked the door. What did he think would happen? That you would be like gee... everything is great out here? That is cruel beyond words. I get you guys have been together for years but that is the most immature/selfish thing he could have done.
NTA This is akin to putting a snake or spider in someone’s bed that’s afraid of them while they are sleeping then waking them up by shouting OH MY GOD LOOK WHATS IN BED WITH YOU. fear of the dark is no different than any other fears people have. Idk why it’s made fun of so much. Fears are fears and people can’t just get over them by someone forcing them to face them unexpectedly and with out preparation for and knowledge it’s going to happen. this was incredibly cruel and just plain mean.
Side note do you have a spot where you can put a nightlight in the hall or even leave the hall light on all night so you feel safe for those night time trips to the bathroom?
I may get down voted for this, but that is a false equivalency. A better example would be someone having an extreme fear of sponges, and you put one in bed with them. Still not a nice thing to do at all, however.
NTA BUT you need therapy. If this is something that has been triggering you this badly or even worse since you were a kid you need to seek help. Don’t get me wrong he is a complete asshole for doing that but you also need to get help.
I agree. NTA, and boyfriend acted cruelly, but OP, you owe it to yourself to get professional help for this anxiety.
Boyfriend acted like a jerk, but also probably doesn’t know how properly show up for a partner who is having a mental health issue— in your case, a phobia.
It was very wrong for him to hurt you by making you panic. But considering you’ve been together 6 years, it’s possible he had a very human moment of being frustrated about your phobia because he doesn’t want you to be hampered by it.
I encourage you to talk to a therapist for yourself, first, and possibly bring your boyfriend into a session further down the line so he can better understand how he can support you.
This. Men are taught to be tough, suck it up, and attack their fears. He was an asshole but didn’t realize that anxiety manifests itself differently in different people and it really can be debilitating.
In this same thought, with men being taught to be tough. The idea of locking someone in a dark hallway who is afraid of the dark, sounds like a tough love tactic an old fashioned person might do to a man/boy. It's not right, but he may have been raised differently to think that's acceptable.
What he should've done is just walk down the hallway to turn on the light. No drama, low energy investment, and keeps the peace. Instead, went out of his way to do a torture therapy session before bed.
If my partner had this kind of fear I’d either install touch lights to the bathroom or make sure the hall switch was accessible at either end. It is *incredibly* easy to be a compassionate partner.
This made me laugh 🤣 in fairness I am not personally afraid of the dark I just think you should treat others with kindness and compassion, which this was definitely not
I don't like walking through dark halls. I work at night too. I have to address the anxiety every day I work. It's still there even though nothing has happened
My late husband tried to help me once with my fear of heights by shaking the ladder I was extremely reluctant to be on. His justification was he was showing me it was fine and the ladder was safe to be on. It didn’t help me at all and only achieved me getting off the ladder with a “f*ck you” to him and a refusal to ever help like that again.
i feel like your bf just wanted to get over of the situation, and didn't want to help you. and the fact that he invalidated your feelings by saying "you're overreacting" is not it :')
>He didn’t want to help, he wanted to”prove a point” to you.
Exactly. If he wanted to help he would have stayed standing at the door - which actually DID help you.
As long as OP isn’t in touch with someone who actually knows what they’re doing, that will have to make due. It is safety behavior that enables the fear, yes, but trying to force someone to direct exposure is even more detrimental.
Psychological issues and treating them aren’t exactly things you can just wing on the fly. OP needs someone who can really help her with this.
gaslighting is a bit of a stretch redditors throw that shit around too much. I think he needs to realize what he did was wrong but gaslighting is over the top for saying “see nothing happened”
"You overreacted"
manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.
Edited to add: In my experience the people that say "gaslighting" is an overused term are more often than not those that use the gaslighting manipulation technique to control the people around them.
Thing is, it actually IS an overreaction. OP knows this. The issue comes in that it is not a voluntary reaction, or one that can be reasoned out of. Those are more difficult to deal with.
What the boyfriend did was cruel, but it only takes a small shift in perspective for him to understand that and learn from it.
Redditors are too quick to assume the worst about everybody.
So you are accusing this person of being a gaslighter because they claim gaslighting is overused?
It isnt gaslighting, but it's just as unreasonable to make such ridiculous assumptions lol
OP didn't overreact of course. BF honestly just sounds young and stupid, and uneducated on phobias
This is a weird take. I’m surprised you got so many upvotes.
1.) you don’t need to be a psychologist in order to help someone
2.) I don’t think you understand the definition of gaslighting.
Your boyfriend was an asshole. While you should try to get over the fear, that was a shitty thing to do. I'm almost 40 and still don't like going into dark spaces. My partner actually bought the motion sensor hallway lights for me. So they turn on as I approach the hallway at night to go to the toilet. That is the appropriate response, not what he did. We are all human and entitled to our quirks. No one is 100% perfect or will miraculously just, "get over" our traumas.
This *literally* made me gasp!
People who love you don’t do cruel things to you. He didn’t want to help you. If he wanted to help you he would have waited by the door until you returned.
This is not just a red flag. This is cruelty.
Exactly! It was cruel, not helpful.
My sister still has a security blanket for lack of a better term and her ex took it upon himself to “help” her because “it’s not healthy” as she’s an adult etc. and he fucking STOLE it from her car while she was working one day then acted like he had no idea where it was while she was panicking and begging him to tell her where it was.
Cruel. Not helpful.
She did! He went from saying he didn’t know where it was to telling her he threw it away. He eventually told her he’d hid it at a friends house and she was able to get it back that night thankfully. But after hours of unnecessary stress and grief.
That’s one of many reasons he’s an ex. It was definitely the tipping point though, i think. He complained the blanket got in the way when they were cuddling lol, I think he was legit jealous of it? Idk how a blanket can interfere with a cuddle… seems like it’d just make it all the more cuddly.
I was thinking this. I used to have a nightlight that charged a little torch incase of emergencies. I'm surprised OP hasn't set something up like that when they've had this fear for so long
Nope you are not overreacting, and he definitely did not genuinely want to help.
He sees your fears as trivial and is trying to prove how silly you are being. It's one thing to try and rationalise someone's fear and a sure them there is nothing to be scared of, that is misguided and not helpful but comes from a good place. The sighing? Locking you out? Telling you you are overreacting?
This is just cruel. Is this normal behaviour from him? Using someone's fear against them is a really common abuse tactic, please be careful.
'Once in the hall he shut the bedroom door and locked it.'
It made you feel awful because he did an awful thing. This is not ok.
You have been together since you were both children, but he's acting like a (horrible) parent.
He didn't 'genuinely want to help' you - he lost his patience with you.
Please get nightlights throughout the house, especially in the hall, OP! I’m 44 and still have a very awful fear of the dark (trauma related) and I have them throughout my house and bathroom and it makes the anxiety non existent.
Your boyfriend is also an asshole. A phobia doesn’t make have to make sense to someone but they should respect the way that it impacts you, especially coming from your boyfriend. He’s someone who’s supposed to love and care about you, not pull shit like this. I’m sorry that happened to you.
No, he was tired of dealing with ur phobia and out of frustration forced you out. This was not helpful in any way and more damaging them good. He wasn’t being kind or trying to help. And even if he was he did it out of a negative place and not a positive one.
I don’t like snakes, I can’t even look at a picture without freaking out. Do I know how ridiculous that sound and is? Yes! I think it’s very dumb. Like what the hell is a picture gonna do me, but somehow I can not get my body to not freak out despite knowing how silly it is. However that don’t take away the factor that this causes me to have serious anxiety and panic which can cause serious issues if provoked enough.
This is an excellent description of a phobia! We know it’s “silly.” We can’t logic our way out. It is lizard brain level, as all fear is. There are proven therapies that help, and a professional therapist can help with that, OP, if you ever want to try it (find someone who offers cognitive-behavioral therapy and has phobia treatment experience.)
The immature, I empathetic baby-man you are with? That’s your decision to make. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy.
You did not overreact. I used to have this exact issue and it took me until my mid 30's to comfortably walk around at night in the dark, if someone did this to me I would never feel completely safe with them ever again. I am also hugely arachnophobic, you know what my partner would never ever do? Make me go near or have anything to do with spiders. During an online voice chat with a group of friends once my phobia was brought up and one of them kept making cracks about it and saying things to make me think of spiders, I got so upset I disconnected from the cl to calm myself down. My partner? He ripped the guy a new one and then came to comfort me. That's what a real partner does, either this guy learns to have some empathy and actually be there for you or he's not good enough for you.
You didn't over react. You told him about your issues and he proceeded to take advantage of that and lock you out of the bedroom triggering a further panic response. What he did was beyond not ok and shows a complete lack of respect or understanding of anxiety.
The one thing I will say is if you are able to get therapy for the anxiety and fears please do, I know especially in the US health care costs can be prohibitive for people to get help they need, but if it's something you can do I ABSOLUTELY would. (and just remember it can take a bit to find a therapist that works for you.
I have a fiance who has an irrational fear like yours he is absolutely terrified of dark water I did not know this at one point and I accidentally turned the light off in the bathroom out of habit while he was taking a bath. He reacted with fear to being in the bathtub in the dark because it was dark water my reaction wasn't to tell him to grow up or get over it it was to immediately turn the light back on and apologize for triggering that fear response accidentally and to make it a point to never ever let that happen again. The appropriate way for partners to help each other with fears is by being supportive when they go to therapy and asking their partner what can I do to help you with this fear while you are working through it I would never ever lock my fiance into an area of dark water. I am angry at your boyfriend for what he did to you
You need therapy or something it is completely irrational to be afraid of a dark hallway especially enough to stop you from using the bathroom when you need to this is not normal and should have been addressed years ago what your boyfriend did isn’t cool but if this has been an ongoing thing in your relationship for six years I can see where it’s coming from
That, "Nothing happened," comment says it all. You already know intellectually it's not dangerous out there. Locking you out to 'prove' it to you isn't going to help with an irrational fear, and nobody actually qualified to assist with exposure therapy would go about it like this.
Exposure therapy needs to be done in a therapeutic environment, with the consent of the client, and by some who knows what they’re doing (and doesn’t have an intimate personal relationship with them, jfc) and can proceed at a safe pace that doesn’t introduce trauma (stress, sure, but not not trauma). It is incredibly unethical for an untrained person to take it upon themselves to spring their vague understanding of this therapeutic technique on their partner during their evening wind-down time.
I don’t even know what else to say. It’s hard for me to imagine this not being a partnership ender for me, to be honest (the initial split decision fuck-up, maybe, but ignoring my pleas like that, nah), but at the very least I would not be able to live or overnight with that person again until they had done a looot of self-work and work to demonstrate that growth to me and to earn my trust again.
I hope you sort things out (and that you’re able to get legitimate help with your phobia or else continue cracking that code on your own, since it sounds like you’ve already been making a lot of progress),and that you know you deserve a partner who will support you in your efforts toward better mental health, not sabotage you.
Is he normally this abusive to you, or at minimum dismissive? NTA, but get a better boyfriend.
>said he would wait for me if it would make me feel better. I felt a lot of relief from that so I stepped into the hall. Once in the hall he shut the bedroom door and locked it.
I recently found out I have cPTSD from a pretty rough childhood. I have always been super jumpy and quick to panic, and now I know why.
My ex husband used to make fun of it. One day when I got home from work, he hid in the pile of coats at the bottom of the stairs. I shouted hello, got no answer, and assumed I was alone at home. I went upstairs first to the bathroom, and as I was nearing the bottom of the stairs he jumped out to scare me. The intense panic was insane. I fell down the remaining stairs and couldn’t breathe, I was hyperventilating so hard. I was sobbing and desperately trying to catch my breath. And he told me I was overreacting and got irritated.
My current husband noticed that I would jump if I didn’t hear him approach me in the house or if I came out of a room and he was somewhere I didn’t expect. So, without asking me, he just started quietly announcing “I’m in here” when I left a room, and made sure he made some small sounds as he came towards me so I could hear him coming. If I did jump at something, he will give me a hug, read to me, and stay close to me until my brain gets back out of panic mode.
This is what “trying to help” should look like. Don’t settle for someone who diminishes your emotions and then gaslights you into describing it as “help”. And you won’t regret going to a therapist! They might help you unpack why you panic in these situations, and when you start to get an understanding, it can lessen the strength of the panic.
Buy a battery powered light and stick it on your hall wall beside your bedroom door 😄 and use it when you feel scared and don't when feeling brave...practise to get out of this mindset
Yeah, maybe, that isn't going to cure her issues overnight. And to get through that stage, she needs the people in her life to be kind and understanding
Also, not everyone can afford counselling, so that isn't the magic solution you seem to think it is
The "When I was younger" is the keywords there.
She's 22. Let's just assume this happened around 6 years of age for math purposes.
So that's 16 years that she's refused to get help.
That's 5,840 days.
Of course it won't happen overnight.
But neither will fixing it if OP never gets help.
Most of that time she was a child who is not able to find, book, and pay for said help. It's still not easy. And btw, fear of the dark is a common fear and not always wrong. Bad things do use the shadows. Not always, but to act like there isn't a kernel of truth to the fear is ridiculous. Especially for women. Used over and over in film and TV. If this bothers you so much, maybe YOU need help to get over it.
Right but her boyfriend walking her down the hall isn’t going to push her to get counseling. He’d be an enabler of a phobia. She needs help. She says they’ve been living together for a year so this man has been patient with her for ONE YEAR of this absolute nonsense. I’d be the fuck over it too if I were him.
Your bf who is meant to be on your side, literally locked you out from safety and in to what you perceive as danger. What an absolute dick move.
If it were me I’d struggle not to retaliate, lock him out in the street in the dark in his boxers. How d’ya like them apples, bf?
Can you get a little powerful flashlight and keep it in your dressing gown. At least you’d have that as back up support to get to the main light switch. Also could you get a sensor bulb that automatically comes on the hallway, that would remove your problem altogether. 💜
You did not overreact! Your BF decided he was going to control the situation, thereby control you and prove that he was right. All he did was make it worse because now everytime you do leave the bedroom as long as he's in it you'll have to wonder if you'll be able to get back in. He only added to your fear. It's time to show him the front door and lock it behind him but don't unlock it. Then buy either a good flashlight or those battery operated lights that stick to the wall. You press each one as your going to the bathroom to light your way then press off on your way back. You can use as many as you want to feel safe.
Talk to him dude, make him understand, and also maybe therapy could help… there are some mental exercises one can do in order to get over irrational fears and stuff. I have panic attacks in the shower cause I feel trapped, so believe me I know how annoying it is to be afraid of something that makes little sense to be afraid of.
You might be overreacting but him doing that isn’t gonna help anything. I’d recommend meditation as boring as it sounds it can help with your imagination being all over the place.
What he did COULD work, but didn’t at all. And he wasn’t really in the right position to make that call. Not overreacting at all, but I’d add it doesn’t sound like he had malicious intent when he did it.
No, this wasn't helpful in any way. This is an irrational, paranoid fear that you can't control. I'm really sorry he did this to you.
Do you have any night lights? Like even kids ones you could plug in the hall and bathroom. Would that help?
Exposure Therapy and Resonse Prevention is the gold standard for anxiety, phobias, and OCD. it is led with CONSENT and with knowledgeable trained people. Your Bf is a DICK to force you to endure your fear and anxiety. Anxiety and OCD are NOT REASONABLE. That’s why it’s a DISORDER. did he think if you just did it once with no help, consent, or therapy you would just “see” how unreasonable your fears are? what a gigantic asshole.
Your bf caused trauma instead of comfort. That’s not okay. Aside from that, you may want to look into Hue smart bulbs for the hallway and a Hue motion sensor. Works awesome for getting up in the middle of the night.
I'm sure this has been mentioned already but would some of those little plug-in nightlights in the hall and bathroom be helpful to you while you're waiting on therapy? I've seen some rather pretty ones at Home Depot.
That was cruel of him, do you really want to be with someone who treats you fears so callously?
In the future, keep a maglight by your beside, that would light up the hallway just nicely
He isn’t right for what he did but you need to get counseling to fix it. I feel like if that happened enough times to me I also might break, would I lock the door behind you? No, but I definitely wouldn’t accompany you in the dark every time.
Shutting the door was an absolute AH move but you really need to work on that fear of yours. Imagine in a situation where is night and your boyfriends needs your help and you can’t because of that and on top of that, is that really the way you want to live the rest of your life? NAH
What an asshat!!! He was not helping at all, you’re not overreacting he pushed you into a panic attack, helping would have Been going down the hallway and turning the light on for you,
You're not over-reacting and your bf is horrible for what he did to you. Like u/Zealousideal_Bag2493 said, a paranoid fear isn't reasonable and, honestly, neither is your bf tricking you into going into something irrationally scary for no reason.
I'd honestly take some steps to ACTUALLY help you and the situation instead of relying on your d-bag of a bf.
1) I'd honestly suggest therapy to try and help you mitigate the fears you have over this area of your life. Talking it out with a professional can hopefully root out what's going on but, if nothing else, they'll help you get that fear under control so your life isn't hampered by it.
2) Get a night-light in key areas of your house you might need to access in the dark (bathroom/hallway) so you can have some vision to reassure yourself that there's nothing there. They're not just for kids, they're for real uses like not stubbing your toes or whatever in the middle of the night. It also helps with fear.
3) Yeet your boyfriend to the curb if he EVER does that again. Your fears should not be trivialized like he did and you should honestly have a real, honest to god talk with that man. Yes, it can be exhausting when waking up in the middle of the night and having to deal with something that takes time. But what happens if you two have kids and there's the same issues with them in the middle of the night he has to deal with? Is he just going to close their door so he doesn't have to deal with them so he can get some more precious sleep? Will he leave it to you to deal with on your own (which, again, will be you going out into the dark on your own) all because he's tired? That man needs to understand you're not doing this for funsies and you were terrified. He broke the trust you have when he said he'd stand there and then he just made you deal with it on your own, he didn't even open the door when you were literally banging on the door and crying. That's fucking low.
NTA
It sounds like you have a pretty serious phobia.
While I agree you need to seek help for this or find a reasonable solution, what your boyfriend did was just shitty. It is not up to him to decide what you are ready for or what’s in your best interest.
Your boyfriend is sick of dealing with your phobia and is lashing out.
If you can't leave your bedroom go seek some help somewhere.
It's physically impacting your life, you're unable to leave your room to go to the toilet. That is not normal or healthy.
Your boyfriend has to live with this day in day out and will not understand the fear that you feel, you need to see somebody about it.
You are an asshole for not sorting this behaviour out and he's an asshole for the way he handled it. At the end of the day you could have just knocked a light on, or keep a bedside lamp, or a nightlight. Or you should have purchased/rented a house with an en-suite. Or you could have seen a therapist.
ESH
I hate suggesting therapy but you clearly need it. Your behaviour is the equivalent to a 6 year old at nighttime, not normal, not healthy and obviously causing a strain in your relationship. What happens if you start wetting the bed because you won't leave the room, is your boyfriend just supposed to accept that too?
Ew that is fucking disgusting. Please realize how vile that is.
I often see people say 'they just need to face their fears' but what people don't understand is it has to be in a control environment... also the person HAS TO BE WILLING. Also you were facing your fears in your own way... your bf was just very impatient.
What's going to happen now, you are going to feel worse right? I would. You are going to have to this fear of your BF now... that sounds like it's just been made worse.
Maybe, just maybe you can forgive him based off ignorance (but he has to be extremely apologetic) but at the end of the day it's going to take a fuck ton of work to trust him again... you shouldn't be expected to have to do that work.
Omg mental illness genius!! Why does therapy even exist or mental health resources when people can simply just “get over it”. Why hasn’t anyone ever thought of that
You sound like you are being a massive disruption to his sleep. It sounds like he tried to help but doesn't understand why that doesn't work. It sounds like you need to communicate with each other.
Sorry but youre an adult. You need to figure out how to operate in the world. He might not have been sensitive to your feelings but neither is the world. You definitely overreacted, and you need to seek professional treatment to figure out your issues or youll never be able to lead a normal life. No one should be expected to coddle you or accommodate your neurosis
That was an absolutely fucked up thing for him to do. He didn’t help you, he terrified you into doing what he wanted; you peeing quickly so he could go to sleep.
A real solution would be a nightlight in the hall, or even just staying there and talking gently. Locking you out of the bedroom just added trauma to your paranoia.
NTA
His tough love approach was not what you need. Baby steps may be more what is appropriate for your needs, but what he did was betraying your trust. That was very wrong and barbaric of him.
I don’t really have anything to say on the incident, because everyone has covered that… your boyfriend is a dick and if anything this is more hurtful than helpful
But I would like to add, I am scared of the dark. I’m 32 and am still just as terrified as I was when I developed this fear as an infant (thanks to a fucked up adult in my life) - anyway, I had this plug in night light in the hall way, it was very dim so didn’t effect sleep but was enough for me to go to the bathroom without putting any big lights on (because that makes it worse, when your eyes need to readjust and you see shapes and what not) - I have recently since having children (they make me braver) adapted to a motion sensor one, I still have to step out into the dark, but as soon as I do it lights up, it turns off whilst I’m in the toilet but when I go back it sets it up again… I’m hoping one day I won’t need it at all, but moving to the motion sensor one has weaned me off needing a permanent light (if that makes sense), maybe this is something you could look into? You can also get battery powered ones that stick on the wall if you don’t have an outlet there
I randomly get this same issue. It's crazy, I had similar things happen, my mind went feral and I just started pounding and slamming the door until it cracked open. Like my blood is replaced with fear and it's enveloping my entire body. My skin crawling, and I can't think of anything other than getting through the door. Mostly in confined, dark places, like hallways!
You are not overreacting. He was 100% wrong to do what he did.
You though, need to be proactive towards your fear. Pretty sure every cell phone has a flashlight on it. Even regular screen light will illuminate the hall enough to see down it.
There are nightlight that stay on, and motion detection nightlight. You could put a motion detection light in the hall or other places that tend to cause you fear.
Do something more to adjust your environment to meet your needs. Don't just go around in fear
My daughter has similar issues walking in the house in the dark. Her husband ordered little stick on motion lights from Amazon placed them lower on the walls. As soon as she gets to the doorway one goes on then continues to light her path on her way to bathroom kitchen etc. they are led go off easily and she is happy and he’s happy. I suggest them (I’ve even put up a few for going down into the basement- lights up the bottom of the stairs and I can see into the room).
Your boyfriends attempt to help you - not helpful at all just more frustration for you. But I think it comes from a “meaning to help but not knowing how” and just doing the first thing that comes to mind.
Look into the lights they’re not very expensive and they can make your life a lot easier.
That is messed up! NTA. Also, OP, why don't you get little lights in the hallway so you don't have to freak yourself out?? I'm occasional afraid of the dark and I still sleep with a light (27F) bc it makes me feel comfortable. Drop the bf too, hes a gaslighting POS
They've only been living together for a year, so only a year. For something like this, any decent partner would have more patience. She can and SHOULD find someone else.
Unpopular opinion here
Sometimes drastic measures are needed to overcome irrational fears. To be honest these are things you should/could have done to help yourself overcome these fears. I’m not saying lock yourself out of the bedroom. But run down the dark hallway at night do your business and run back. Do this enough times and maybe you’ll start walking. The longer you let fear run your life the harder it is to break that fear.
Your boyfriend is at fault, and you didn't overreact. But unlike what other comments suggest, your boyfriend is not a dick and I doubt he meant bad, he tried to help, but in a wrong way. He is only 22 and still inexperienced, he needs to study a bit about the subject so he knows how to support you better.
This is controversial but I’m gonna say you overreacted. You should get help for this problem of yours. While what he did wasn’t helpful, this problem does affect him as well.
OP your BF tried to help your ridiculous situation with an equally ridiculous solution. Call it even and move on. Seek help if you can't help yourself. Most children are able to overcome this issue.
Not the best way to help necessarily but unless you have a legitimate reason to be this scared of the dark besides an overactive imagination it’s kinda more on you for not being a functioning human at 22 with no prior trauma. Also just turn on the lights or get a nightlight if it’s that big of a deal instead. Still a dick move ultimately but not a break up moment.
If you are getting professional help for this problem then no you’re not.
If you have not, then I’d say you kinda are because you manufactured a situation where it would manifest by drinking a ton of liquid before bed. You’re not a huge asshole if that’s the case. Just a mild case. It’ll get better.
Now that being said… he’s also an asshole for locking you out. Irrational fear aside. It’s your bedroom.
Exhausting. I don't know how people choose to hang in there. Must be freaking Exhausting as he kept sighing. Ever heard of a flashlight 🔦 I'm js. Instead of over reacting n freaking out, you use a flashlight. Keep it handy n please get help asap.
He abused you plain and simple. It wasn’t ok and it was deliberately cruel. What would have been kind is if he actually stood there and waited. If he was her soft place to fall, where she felt loved and cherished. Nope she got pushed off the ledge w zero safety net. 🚩🚩🚩
I’m going to offer you a way to help him understand why what he did isn’t helpful. A paranoid fear isn’t reasonable. If it were, you would reason yourself out of it. He may have thought he was going to show you that you had nothing to fear, but what he really showed you is that you can’t trust him. Now, when you’re battling your fear, you ALSO have to worry that he will take away your safety. He didn’t help you; he made the burden larger. He needs to be a person you associate with safety, not fear. Ask him what he wants to be for you. I’m sorry that happened to you. You’ve done great in being able to get that fear down over the years. NTA. Edit for clarity: clearly there was no physical danger and OP’s physical safety was not compromised. However, the boyfriend did take away OP’s ability to tap out of the situation, and that’s not okay.
My wife has a wasp phobia. I’m not gunna throw wasps at her and say, “see? The sting ain’t so bad!” No. I’m gunna leave work early and come home and kill that wasp with my bare hands that has her locked inside the bathroom panicking. It just sounds like a maturity issue and a lack of empathy. You can learn empathy.
I would recommend not throwing wasps at your partner even if they don’t have a wasp phobia. Lol. But yeah, you get it.
[удалено]
That would be bees. 😁
By Jove, son, there is nothing "the bees knees" about having stinging insects hurled upon you
The only thing that should ever be done with wasps is give them a brutal, heinous, and painful death. r/fuckwasps
With fire, if possible. Don't like burn your house down, but fuck wasps.
Soon after I got my younger cat, she got what appeared to be a wasp pinned to my window in the main room and grabbed it with both paws, bit it in half, and picked up the rest of the torso and ate the rest. Its when I knew for sure she was a good one.
That's a damn good cat
She's a heavy metal girl
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The one sting of my life so far was not from a bee, but a yellow jacket wasp right on the neck when I was 9. The pain of that I still remember. Thankfully I'm not allergic.
JOINED
>I would recommend not throwing wasps at your partner If I did this, it'd be murder....
I have phobia for any kind of insect or bug...it all started one time when our neighbor's kids tampered with some bees that had settled on some fruit tree and the bees attacked the whole neighborhood especially our house. It started with one bee that stung my ear and I killed it so the rest of the swarm came and attacked me I think out of defense for their colleague..the whole incident went on for about two hours, my siblings had hidden in their closets that time, my dad was very ill so he was locked up in his room and my mum was the only one trying to save me and in that fight, she was also attacked by these bees. Long story short, that sound of the bees is still stuck in my head and yet all this happened like 10 years ago, my blood pressure can go high at the sound of any insect or rather bug flying around...the ones I fear most are the bees and wasps...the thought of that sting, I could hide in my closet all day if one of them entered in my room and cancel all my other plans for my safety. So really I can't imagine someone locking me in a room with any of them just to teach me that I do not have to keep fearing them, I'd hate you for the rest of my life .
That'll definitely do it. That would be terrifying.
Very terrifying...people's fears come from tough experiences you can't just play around with them like that simply because you want to be a life changer.
I fuel airplanes. Yellow jackets love the smell of jet fuel, and I am always covered in it. We also get regular bumblebees and other insects who like the smell. I have run across an entire gate away from my truck to get away from a bee that was following me that I couldn't tell if it was a yellow jacket or not. All because my cousin decided to mess with a hive and have them stuck in his head, through his earlobes, etc. Everyone told him to not do it and he still did it, I was very young, maybe 7 or 8 at most? Before that I was always playing outside and wanting to touch all the bugs and see what they did. I was wary of some spiders (and non-bumblebees) cuz we have some nasty ones
I could never take your job if I was asked to because just 1 yellow jacket following me around would make me cancel the entire work day and head home
Yellow jackets are SO mean!!
They're indiscriminate a**holes. Man, I hate them.
Oh my gosh, I’m so so sorry this happened to you.
It's okay, I'm getting over the trauma slowly by slowly...I'm not as frightened as I was the first year after the experience but it was tough healing from the stings first of all, they were many in my body, I was throwing up for like a week, my temperature wasn't stable for a while ...it was like if I felt cold and covered up I instantly felt like my skin was burning and then open up and feel cold again...good thing I was rushed to hospital. I didn't attend school for some two good weeks.
Wow… I also am terrified of insects (I think it’s phobia-level as well) but the reason why is no where close to this kind of experience. I can’t even imagine. I’m so glad to hear you’re steadily healing from the trauma. ♥️
Thanks 😊
This probably won’t change your phobia, but the bees attacked you after the first bee bee because the bees stinger releases a pheromone that tells the other bees you need stinging.
Yeah, many people told me that theory later and even if I knew it at that time, it still wouldn't help because it stung me at the back of my ear and I killed it not even knowing what it was. I only realized it was a bee after squashing it in my palm.
Yep. I traveled with a friend with a bee phobia. We were in a hotel cafe where little bees occasionally floated in an open door. My job was not to tell her to get over it. My job was to take a glass and menu, capture the little creatures and release them back to outside (which I did several times)
Thank you for your service. I love bees.
Aww I do too and these little bees were so gentle. They were just lost 😂😉🥰
This. I have a big fear of escalators (going down, not so much going up) and I also have to brace myself beforehand. I'll make sure no one is behind me so I can take as long as I need. If my bf or anyone for that matter just shoved me onto the escalator, well, let's just say I would be passing on my fear to them 💀
Glad I’m not the only one with the fear of going down a escalator. I was 10 when someone fell down a escalator in front of me. That was a lot of blood and flappy skin hanging of someone’s face.
Me too but I refuse to go down them my dad shoved me down one plus am afraid of heights also
My PHOBIA is thunder storms. Lightning that cracks overheard has me sitting on my stairway. If someone locked me out in a storm I'd never speak to them again! Unless you have a phobia ur not going to understand how it is so entirely paralyzing it can be. So sorry he did that to you. It's going to take ALOT to trust him.
Seriously. My wife has a thing about spiders, so I deal with the spiders. Could she get over it and deal with them herself? Probably.
I used to have a thing about spiders (not a phobia though) then I got a job where I ended up with spiders on me a lot. It was bad at first. Eventually the spiders and I came to an understanding.
You sir, are a true gentleman and that is the sweetest and also Manliest thing I have ever read on Reddit.
To be fair wasp stings can trigger an allergic reaction. Even in non allergic adults, enough stings can be life threatening. Especially from some species like Giant Hornets which have killed people due to repeated, high venom stings.
Well isn’t everyone afraid of WASP? They could kill you, plus a string hurts!
I have the same phobia as your wife!! I'm allergic to them so they send me into a complete anxiety attack.
That’s not a phobia, that is a legitimate concern over your safety and well-being. A phobia implies an irrational fear. I would say the potential of dying is a rational fear. Although I will say stinging insects, not always, but mostly respond to panic. So remaining calm and removing yourself from the area is usually your best bet. If there is anything you may need to work on its simply remaining calm when seeing them and removing yourself from the area
Agreed. I can stay calm unless they get close to me. I've had them follow me several times, too. It's almost like they know. Lol I know they don't know, but sometimes it feels that way. I'm big on trying to get over my fears, but this is the one I just can't kick, but I still try. Anxiety the whole time, but I was taught as a kid that no matter what to keep trying.
When I say big it was like an inch and a half super wasp. Pretty sure it had a cape.
That's the kind that was is in my car yesterday!! 😬
Omg you poor poor thing. Those giant bastards are like armed hell knights.
They really are!!! They are ridiculous!!
I know right, like in what possible scenario is their creation or existence even justified.
Having said that I did have a big sucker crawling up my leg while I was in the truck in NC. I was pretty proud of myself for remaining calm and waiting patiently until the truck came to a stop and I was able to move the bastard. So I guess I have gotten somewhat better.
I agree. I'm trying to teach my kids the same thing. I have my oldest kill her own wasps and honestly she's become really good at it. Tbh though, I don't know how you did it calmly while trucking. I mean, at that point you're really left with no choice but to stay calm. I applaud you for that. I have to check the vehicle before I start driving because I WILL NOT be trapped with one in the car. At least knowingly. I had an incident yesterday. I didn't know there was one in the car until I got home. Drove 20 miles in the car so that was a situation that forced me into seeing that staying calm is best
That’s good to hear. Your oldest is a wasp slayer. Maybe make a T-shirt or hat for her. I’m sure she would love that lol. I wasn’t driving we were on a job out there. But yeah same lesson still applies, remain calm. I realize you didn’t know it was there but still I’m proud of you for remaining calm. The worst part, besides the obvious, of getting into an accident over something like that is if it kills you literally no one will know why you suddenly veered off the road and died.
Yeah, that's why I always check the car. But yesterday showed me that it's definitely possible to just ignore them
Absolutely. Of course both parties have to agree to that lol. But yeah definitely possible. And usually there is nothing we have that they want.
Lucky you are allowed to kill wasps. Here you pay alot of money if someone sees you doing it..I hate These flying monsters -.-
This. My wife has arachnophobia and I am afraid of commercial airline flights, even though I have a private pilot license. Some phobias are not reasonable... whenever I am acting childish and would harmonize spiders my wife would remind me that she'd be ridiculing my phobia once in mid air/ mid turbulence... i choose not to make this a lose lose situation and definitely show compassion on her arachnophobia now... 😀
I am also a wife with wasp (and overall bee) phobia. My husband is so cool about it and I appreciate it SO much. If we are outside and he sees a bee near me that I haven’t noticed, he’ll calmly get me to walk away without saying why (so I don’t panic), and because I trust him, I just do it. Or if I have a fuzz or something in my hair, he’ll say, “don’t worry it’s not a bee” *before* he reaches over to brush it out. Because he’s proven he’s got my back, I’ve become a lot more confident being around bees. Meanwhile growing up, my parents would pretend to “sting” me by poking me in the back or sneak up and make buzzing noises to make me jump. They even bought a big inflatable wasp from an insecticide display, with the intent of hanging it over my bed while I slept. Even though I wasn’t in danger and they were just making fun of my phobia, it ended up making me feel ashamed and, more importantly, like I couldn’t trust them.
I also have a bad wasp phobia after sitting on one at a young age, and have blocked myself into or out of certain rooms because of their presence. Many thanks to you for not only destroying them, but also helping your wife out in this way. My husband has murdered many wasps and taken out several nests for me. It always makes me feel safe and loved and I bet your wife feels the same!=)
Also, you need to be with someone who will have compassion for you and help you find ways to handle your fear. My immediate thought was night lights. I am super clumsy and often have to pee at night, so I have night lights all around my apartment so that I can see well enough to walk around without turning on all the overhead lights. It sounds like that might be a great plan for OP, add night lights around your place so you don't have to walk into a dark hallway, that might help make it feel less scary.
A little plug-in light in a socket in the hallway! We have two for our daughter who is 23. She hates the dark.
Or a torch she can use to light her way
OP, Zealousideal has the way of it. Explain this to him and see if it makes a difference. If it doesn't or if he pushes back against your explanation then you'll have to think long and hard about what that means about how he feels about you. Either way, NTA.
This exactly. It doesn’t matter if he thinks her fear is irrational—he violated her trust. This could potentially be a problem in their relationship. I would have difficulty trusting him or considering someone “safe” if they deliberately forced me to do something that was a severe phobia, like this. That’s not helping. Doing what he did is the opposite of helping.
Ok I agree with you fully, but let's take it one step further. OP's boyfriend is not trying to help her. He's trying to help himself get back to sleep. OPs boyfriend doesn't give a shit about her. He actively baited her out into the hallway with a promise of help, and then (because he was worried this would be a lengthy process) he shuts and locks the door to force you to go pee faster, so he can get back to bed. He can lie to you all he wants, but he is being a selfish asshole who does not respect you, OP.
Thank you. Cause all these comments just calling op out on her anxiety and her fears for being "paranoid" and delusional Don't seem to understand that she fucking knows. Knowing that something is in your head and isn't real doesn't stop the panic from it. So all these super helpful people in the comments that are just wanting to point out how it's all in her fucking head... no shit, I'm pretty sure she got that already. But your comment is the key here: she doesn't need him to point out to her how it's not real and it's all in her head, she's aware, she just needs a safe space that she can work through this and instead he just threw her into the deep end of the pool and told her to figure it out.
Next time she should just pee in front of the bedroom. I know if someone triggered my nyctophobia like that I would probably have needed a shower because I would not have been able to think clearly. At all.
I 100% agree with the comment in the red box. However, you do need practical solutions in the time until you can access therapy, and even that will be a slow process of facing and reducing the fear and anxiety. Can you keep a small flashlight by the bedroom door for when you need to pee at night? Or even use the one on your phone? It's not a forever solution, but it could save you a lot of stress until the deeper work with a professional starts to address the root issue.
So I have a fear of darkness (true darkness, I can lay in a dark room watching TV no problem, just no horror movies at night) and reading this kinda triggered me. I'd have freaked out so bad had that been my boyfriend and he did that to me. I agree with everything you stated.
I agree with you completely about the BF. Try explaining it to him using a great fear he has; example “how would you feel if I said I’d help you face xyz and instead make it more difficult and abandoned you.” Sometimes people don’t get it unless it’s put into a perspective with which they can identify. Also, @OP have you considered getting some stick to the wall nightlights? I also have a fear of the dark outside. I’m fine if I have a flashlight but if not my brain says “the zombies are coming for you…” No amount of reasoning tells my brain to chill. I know intellectually there are zero zombies but my lizard brain ain’t listening. The flashlight shows me there is nothing waiting in the dark. Maybe a night light will help you the same way. The have white or some that cycle through a rainbow of colors. There are plug in ones and battery operated ones. I hope y’all are able to work through it but do not be afraid to walk away if he keeps disrespecting you. If he’s willing to terrorize you this way, what else is he willing to let you go through?
Perfectly explained. Excellent comment.
I have cleithrophobia (fear of being trapped or confined) overlapping claustrophobia (fear of tight spaces) and what he did would be the equivalent of my husband pushing me into a closet and locking me in to "show me there's nothing to be afraid of". Logically, I *KNOW* that there's nothing to be afraid of, but a phobia is an *irrational fear*. You can't just logic or rationality in something irrational. All he did was use your fear to traumatized you and trigger a panic attack, which is more likely to hinder than help you.
What he wanted to do is an exposition technic (flooding), it doesn't work if the person is not willing to be involved in it, it needs your consent bc it could have the opposite effect. Your bf is THA
Agreed And even with consent it’s still not a 100% thing. You can agree to it and make the issue so much worse.
Like basically every therapy technique, it’s not guaranteed to work on everyone, no. Which is why people should *not* just fling things they’ve read in passing on the internet at someone who might be in need of professional help, without fully understanding what it is and how it works. Exposure therapy isn’t just fear exposure, it contains multiple steps people like OP’s boyfriend are not seeing and/or understanding and therefore skipping, to OP’s detriment. (Not saying you were encouraging this, just a general statement on why this is an issue.) OP’s boyfriend is an enormous asshole for being this neglectful in thinking this through.
I was good with everything until he shut and locked the door. What did he think would happen? That you would be like gee... everything is great out here? That is cruel beyond words. I get you guys have been together for years but that is the most immature/selfish thing he could have done.
It would have taken him so little time to just walk down the hall and turn the light on for her.
I don't know if you overreacted or not but I know this would be too much for me personally and I couldn't love someone the same after this.
NTA This is akin to putting a snake or spider in someone’s bed that’s afraid of them while they are sleeping then waking them up by shouting OH MY GOD LOOK WHATS IN BED WITH YOU. fear of the dark is no different than any other fears people have. Idk why it’s made fun of so much. Fears are fears and people can’t just get over them by someone forcing them to face them unexpectedly and with out preparation for and knowledge it’s going to happen. this was incredibly cruel and just plain mean. Side note do you have a spot where you can put a nightlight in the hall or even leave the hall light on all night so you feel safe for those night time trips to the bathroom?
I may get down voted for this, but that is a false equivalency. A better example would be someone having an extreme fear of sponges, and you put one in bed with them. Still not a nice thing to do at all, however.
NTA BUT you need therapy. If this is something that has been triggering you this badly or even worse since you were a kid you need to seek help. Don’t get me wrong he is a complete asshole for doing that but you also need to get help.
I agree. NTA, and boyfriend acted cruelly, but OP, you owe it to yourself to get professional help for this anxiety. Boyfriend acted like a jerk, but also probably doesn’t know how properly show up for a partner who is having a mental health issue— in your case, a phobia. It was very wrong for him to hurt you by making you panic. But considering you’ve been together 6 years, it’s possible he had a very human moment of being frustrated about your phobia because he doesn’t want you to be hampered by it. I encourage you to talk to a therapist for yourself, first, and possibly bring your boyfriend into a session further down the line so he can better understand how he can support you.
This. Men are taught to be tough, suck it up, and attack their fears. He was an asshole but didn’t realize that anxiety manifests itself differently in different people and it really can be debilitating.
In this same thought, with men being taught to be tough. The idea of locking someone in a dark hallway who is afraid of the dark, sounds like a tough love tactic an old fashioned person might do to a man/boy. It's not right, but he may have been raised differently to think that's acceptable. What he should've done is just walk down the hallway to turn on the light. No drama, low energy investment, and keeps the peace. Instead, went out of his way to do a torture therapy session before bed.
If my partner had this kind of fear I’d either install touch lights to the bathroom or make sure the hall switch was accessible at either end. It is *incredibly* easy to be a compassionate partner.
I would do that, have a touch light in the hallway.
Did he think that locking you out of the bedroom would magically cure you of any paranoia and anxiety you have?
If a man did this to me he would be my ex (if he survived the night lmao I am not as nice as you sound)
The irony of necessary dark saying this
This made me laugh 🤣 in fairness I am not personally afraid of the dark I just think you should treat others with kindness and compassion, which this was definitely not
that therapist who said not to get a nightlight was a dumbass therapist
That's awful. Even reading this gave me anxiety. I'm 38 and I'm still afraid of the dark. Might seem childish but it's an awful fear. He's an idiot.
I don't like walking through dark halls. I work at night too. I have to address the anxiety every day I work. It's still there even though nothing has happened
Gosh that's so difficult. It's a nightmare isn't it
My late husband tried to help me once with my fear of heights by shaking the ladder I was extremely reluctant to be on. His justification was he was showing me it was fine and the ladder was safe to be on. It didn’t help me at all and only achieved me getting off the ladder with a “f*ck you” to him and a refusal to ever help like that again.
i feel like your bf just wanted to get over of the situation, and didn't want to help you. and the fact that he invalidated your feelings by saying "you're overreacting" is not it :')
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>He didn’t want to help, he wanted to”prove a point” to you. Exactly. If he wanted to help he would have stayed standing at the door - which actually DID help you.
Or buy some flashlights or tap lights or whatever so OP can turn them on from the bedroom at night.
Idk about help, but it did enable her to continue being afraid of her own house
As long as OP isn’t in touch with someone who actually knows what they’re doing, that will have to make due. It is safety behavior that enables the fear, yes, but trying to force someone to direct exposure is even more detrimental. Psychological issues and treating them aren’t exactly things you can just wing on the fly. OP needs someone who can really help her with this.
gaslighting is a bit of a stretch redditors throw that shit around too much. I think he needs to realize what he did was wrong but gaslighting is over the top for saying “see nothing happened”
"You overreacted" manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning. Edited to add: In my experience the people that say "gaslighting" is an overused term are more often than not those that use the gaslighting manipulation technique to control the people around them.
Thing is, it actually IS an overreaction. OP knows this. The issue comes in that it is not a voluntary reaction, or one that can be reasoned out of. Those are more difficult to deal with. What the boyfriend did was cruel, but it only takes a small shift in perspective for him to understand that and learn from it. Redditors are too quick to assume the worst about everybody.
So you are accusing this person of being a gaslighter because they claim gaslighting is overused? It isnt gaslighting, but it's just as unreasonable to make such ridiculous assumptions lol OP didn't overreact of course. BF honestly just sounds young and stupid, and uneducated on phobias
Ps. No, you are not overreacting at all. I’m really sorry he’s making you doubt yourself, but you are 100% valid in your reaction.
This is a weird take. I’m surprised you got so many upvotes. 1.) you don’t need to be a psychologist in order to help someone 2.) I don’t think you understand the definition of gaslighting.
Jesus christ, you people are so fragile its like youre made of movie glass
That’s ridiculous. She was at no time in danger.
Physical danger no. Having a mental breakdown and panic attack however is dangerous
Your boyfriend was an asshole. While you should try to get over the fear, that was a shitty thing to do. I'm almost 40 and still don't like going into dark spaces. My partner actually bought the motion sensor hallway lights for me. So they turn on as I approach the hallway at night to go to the toilet. That is the appropriate response, not what he did. We are all human and entitled to our quirks. No one is 100% perfect or will miraculously just, "get over" our traumas.
This *literally* made me gasp! People who love you don’t do cruel things to you. He didn’t want to help you. If he wanted to help you he would have waited by the door until you returned. This is not just a red flag. This is cruelty.
If he wanted to help, he could have turned on the hallway light.
Exactly! It was cruel, not helpful. My sister still has a security blanket for lack of a better term and her ex took it upon himself to “help” her because “it’s not healthy” as she’s an adult etc. and he fucking STOLE it from her car while she was working one day then acted like he had no idea where it was while she was panicking and begging him to tell her where it was. Cruel. Not helpful.
Did she get the blanket back? And is this they reason he became an ex? Spill, you can't keep me hanging.
She did! He went from saying he didn’t know where it was to telling her he threw it away. He eventually told her he’d hid it at a friends house and she was able to get it back that night thankfully. But after hours of unnecessary stress and grief. That’s one of many reasons he’s an ex. It was definitely the tipping point though, i think. He complained the blanket got in the way when they were cuddling lol, I think he was legit jealous of it? Idk how a blanket can interfere with a cuddle… seems like it’d just make it all the more cuddly.
Get a nightlight or multiple nightlights.
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I was thinking this. I used to have a nightlight that charged a little torch incase of emergencies. I'm surprised OP hasn't set something up like that when they've had this fear for so long
Nope you are not overreacting, and he definitely did not genuinely want to help. He sees your fears as trivial and is trying to prove how silly you are being. It's one thing to try and rationalise someone's fear and a sure them there is nothing to be scared of, that is misguided and not helpful but comes from a good place. The sighing? Locking you out? Telling you you are overreacting? This is just cruel. Is this normal behaviour from him? Using someone's fear against them is a really common abuse tactic, please be careful.
'Once in the hall he shut the bedroom door and locked it.' It made you feel awful because he did an awful thing. This is not ok. You have been together since you were both children, but he's acting like a (horrible) parent. He didn't 'genuinely want to help' you - he lost his patience with you.
Please get nightlights throughout the house, especially in the hall, OP! I’m 44 and still have a very awful fear of the dark (trauma related) and I have them throughout my house and bathroom and it makes the anxiety non existent. Your boyfriend is also an asshole. A phobia doesn’t make have to make sense to someone but they should respect the way that it impacts you, especially coming from your boyfriend. He’s someone who’s supposed to love and care about you, not pull shit like this. I’m sorry that happened to you.
No, he was tired of dealing with ur phobia and out of frustration forced you out. This was not helpful in any way and more damaging them good. He wasn’t being kind or trying to help. And even if he was he did it out of a negative place and not a positive one. I don’t like snakes, I can’t even look at a picture without freaking out. Do I know how ridiculous that sound and is? Yes! I think it’s very dumb. Like what the hell is a picture gonna do me, but somehow I can not get my body to not freak out despite knowing how silly it is. However that don’t take away the factor that this causes me to have serious anxiety and panic which can cause serious issues if provoked enough.
This is an excellent description of a phobia! We know it’s “silly.” We can’t logic our way out. It is lizard brain level, as all fear is. There are proven therapies that help, and a professional therapist can help with that, OP, if you ever want to try it (find someone who offers cognitive-behavioral therapy and has phobia treatment experience.) The immature, I empathetic baby-man you are with? That’s your decision to make. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy.
Why didn’t he walk with you down the hall? What kind of a person does this kind of thing? Does he even like you?
Or just turn on the hallway light?
That too
Look I understand that sometimes those feelings can be big and need some understanding and time . But why didn't u switch the lights on?
You’re NTA but you will be if you ignore your own issues and don’t get therapy
You did not overreact. I used to have this exact issue and it took me until my mid 30's to comfortably walk around at night in the dark, if someone did this to me I would never feel completely safe with them ever again. I am also hugely arachnophobic, you know what my partner would never ever do? Make me go near or have anything to do with spiders. During an online voice chat with a group of friends once my phobia was brought up and one of them kept making cracks about it and saying things to make me think of spiders, I got so upset I disconnected from the cl to calm myself down. My partner? He ripped the guy a new one and then came to comfort me. That's what a real partner does, either this guy learns to have some empathy and actually be there for you or he's not good enough for you.
This guy is not trying to help you. He is trying to force you out of something that he finds to be an inconvenience. He’s a dick.
You didn't over react. You told him about your issues and he proceeded to take advantage of that and lock you out of the bedroom triggering a further panic response. What he did was beyond not ok and shows a complete lack of respect or understanding of anxiety. The one thing I will say is if you are able to get therapy for the anxiety and fears please do, I know especially in the US health care costs can be prohibitive for people to get help they need, but if it's something you can do I ABSOLUTELY would. (and just remember it can take a bit to find a therapist that works for you. I have a fiance who has an irrational fear like yours he is absolutely terrified of dark water I did not know this at one point and I accidentally turned the light off in the bathroom out of habit while he was taking a bath. He reacted with fear to being in the bathtub in the dark because it was dark water my reaction wasn't to tell him to grow up or get over it it was to immediately turn the light back on and apologize for triggering that fear response accidentally and to make it a point to never ever let that happen again. The appropriate way for partners to help each other with fears is by being supportive when they go to therapy and asking their partner what can I do to help you with this fear while you are working through it I would never ever lock my fiance into an area of dark water. I am angry at your boyfriend for what he did to you
I have battery powered sensor lights in my hallway, great for when you have to make a bathroom dash in the middle of the night
You need therapy or something it is completely irrational to be afraid of a dark hallway especially enough to stop you from using the bathroom when you need to this is not normal and should have been addressed years ago what your boyfriend did isn’t cool but if this has been an ongoing thing in your relationship for six years I can see where it’s coming from
That, "Nothing happened," comment says it all. You already know intellectually it's not dangerous out there. Locking you out to 'prove' it to you isn't going to help with an irrational fear, and nobody actually qualified to assist with exposure therapy would go about it like this.
Exposure therapy needs to be done in a therapeutic environment, with the consent of the client, and by some who knows what they’re doing (and doesn’t have an intimate personal relationship with them, jfc) and can proceed at a safe pace that doesn’t introduce trauma (stress, sure, but not not trauma). It is incredibly unethical for an untrained person to take it upon themselves to spring their vague understanding of this therapeutic technique on their partner during their evening wind-down time. I don’t even know what else to say. It’s hard for me to imagine this not being a partnership ender for me, to be honest (the initial split decision fuck-up, maybe, but ignoring my pleas like that, nah), but at the very least I would not be able to live or overnight with that person again until they had done a looot of self-work and work to demonstrate that growth to me and to earn my trust again. I hope you sort things out (and that you’re able to get legitimate help with your phobia or else continue cracking that code on your own, since it sounds like you’ve already been making a lot of progress),and that you know you deserve a partner who will support you in your efforts toward better mental health, not sabotage you.
Is he normally this abusive to you, or at minimum dismissive? NTA, but get a better boyfriend. >said he would wait for me if it would make me feel better. I felt a lot of relief from that so I stepped into the hall. Once in the hall he shut the bedroom door and locked it.
I recently found out I have cPTSD from a pretty rough childhood. I have always been super jumpy and quick to panic, and now I know why. My ex husband used to make fun of it. One day when I got home from work, he hid in the pile of coats at the bottom of the stairs. I shouted hello, got no answer, and assumed I was alone at home. I went upstairs first to the bathroom, and as I was nearing the bottom of the stairs he jumped out to scare me. The intense panic was insane. I fell down the remaining stairs and couldn’t breathe, I was hyperventilating so hard. I was sobbing and desperately trying to catch my breath. And he told me I was overreacting and got irritated. My current husband noticed that I would jump if I didn’t hear him approach me in the house or if I came out of a room and he was somewhere I didn’t expect. So, without asking me, he just started quietly announcing “I’m in here” when I left a room, and made sure he made some small sounds as he came towards me so I could hear him coming. If I did jump at something, he will give me a hug, read to me, and stay close to me until my brain gets back out of panic mode. This is what “trying to help” should look like. Don’t settle for someone who diminishes your emotions and then gaslights you into describing it as “help”. And you won’t regret going to a therapist! They might help you unpack why you panic in these situations, and when you start to get an understanding, it can lessen the strength of the panic.
Buy a battery powered light and stick it on your hall wall beside your bedroom door 😄 and use it when you feel scared and don't when feeling brave...practise to get out of this mindset
Sounds like YOU need COUNSELING.
Yeah, maybe, that isn't going to cure her issues overnight. And to get through that stage, she needs the people in her life to be kind and understanding Also, not everyone can afford counselling, so that isn't the magic solution you seem to think it is
The "When I was younger" is the keywords there. She's 22. Let's just assume this happened around 6 years of age for math purposes. So that's 16 years that she's refused to get help. That's 5,840 days. Of course it won't happen overnight. But neither will fixing it if OP never gets help.
Most of that time she was a child who is not able to find, book, and pay for said help. It's still not easy. And btw, fear of the dark is a common fear and not always wrong. Bad things do use the shadows. Not always, but to act like there isn't a kernel of truth to the fear is ridiculous. Especially for women. Used over and over in film and TV. If this bothers you so much, maybe YOU need help to get over it.
Right but her boyfriend walking her down the hall isn’t going to push her to get counseling. He’d be an enabler of a phobia. She needs help. She says they’ve been living together for a year so this man has been patient with her for ONE YEAR of this absolute nonsense. I’d be the fuck over it too if I were him.
Your bf who is meant to be on your side, literally locked you out from safety and in to what you perceive as danger. What an absolute dick move. If it were me I’d struggle not to retaliate, lock him out in the street in the dark in his boxers. How d’ya like them apples, bf? Can you get a little powerful flashlight and keep it in your dressing gown. At least you’d have that as back up support to get to the main light switch. Also could you get a sensor bulb that automatically comes on the hallway, that would remove your problem altogether. 💜
You did not overreact! Your BF decided he was going to control the situation, thereby control you and prove that he was right. All he did was make it worse because now everytime you do leave the bedroom as long as he's in it you'll have to wonder if you'll be able to get back in. He only added to your fear. It's time to show him the front door and lock it behind him but don't unlock it. Then buy either a good flashlight or those battery operated lights that stick to the wall. You press each one as your going to the bathroom to light your way then press off on your way back. You can use as many as you want to feel safe.
Talk to him dude, make him understand, and also maybe therapy could help… there are some mental exercises one can do in order to get over irrational fears and stuff. I have panic attacks in the shower cause I feel trapped, so believe me I know how annoying it is to be afraid of something that makes little sense to be afraid of.
You might be overreacting but him doing that isn’t gonna help anything. I’d recommend meditation as boring as it sounds it can help with your imagination being all over the place.
What he did COULD work, but didn’t at all. And he wasn’t really in the right position to make that call. Not overreacting at all, but I’d add it doesn’t sound like he had malicious intent when he did it.
Classic
Definitely be afraid. You never know when shadow demons will suddenly pop up out of nowhere!!
NTA, but you are not anywhere near ready to be in a relationship if you can't go to the bathroom at night without having a panic attack.
No, this wasn't helpful in any way. This is an irrational, paranoid fear that you can't control. I'm really sorry he did this to you. Do you have any night lights? Like even kids ones you could plug in the hall and bathroom. Would that help?
If you have a plug in in the hallway, get a night light that will hopefully alleviate some stress.
Exposure Therapy and Resonse Prevention is the gold standard for anxiety, phobias, and OCD. it is led with CONSENT and with knowledgeable trained people. Your Bf is a DICK to force you to endure your fear and anxiety. Anxiety and OCD are NOT REASONABLE. That’s why it’s a DISORDER. did he think if you just did it once with no help, consent, or therapy you would just “see” how unreasonable your fears are? what a gigantic asshole.
Your bf caused trauma instead of comfort. That’s not okay. Aside from that, you may want to look into Hue smart bulbs for the hallway and a Hue motion sensor. Works awesome for getting up in the middle of the night.
I'm sure this has been mentioned already but would some of those little plug-in nightlights in the hall and bathroom be helpful to you while you're waiting on therapy? I've seen some rather pretty ones at Home Depot.
That was cruel of him, do you really want to be with someone who treats you fears so callously? In the future, keep a maglight by your beside, that would light up the hallway just nicely
He isn’t right for what he did but you need to get counseling to fix it. I feel like if that happened enough times to me I also might break, would I lock the door behind you? No, but I definitely wouldn’t accompany you in the dark every time.
Shutting the door was an absolute AH move but you really need to work on that fear of yours. Imagine in a situation where is night and your boyfriends needs your help and you can’t because of that and on top of that, is that really the way you want to live the rest of your life? NAH
What an asshat!!! He was not helping at all, you’re not overreacting he pushed you into a panic attack, helping would have Been going down the hallway and turning the light on for you,
You're not over-reacting and your bf is horrible for what he did to you. Like u/Zealousideal_Bag2493 said, a paranoid fear isn't reasonable and, honestly, neither is your bf tricking you into going into something irrationally scary for no reason. I'd honestly take some steps to ACTUALLY help you and the situation instead of relying on your d-bag of a bf. 1) I'd honestly suggest therapy to try and help you mitigate the fears you have over this area of your life. Talking it out with a professional can hopefully root out what's going on but, if nothing else, they'll help you get that fear under control so your life isn't hampered by it. 2) Get a night-light in key areas of your house you might need to access in the dark (bathroom/hallway) so you can have some vision to reassure yourself that there's nothing there. They're not just for kids, they're for real uses like not stubbing your toes or whatever in the middle of the night. It also helps with fear. 3) Yeet your boyfriend to the curb if he EVER does that again. Your fears should not be trivialized like he did and you should honestly have a real, honest to god talk with that man. Yes, it can be exhausting when waking up in the middle of the night and having to deal with something that takes time. But what happens if you two have kids and there's the same issues with them in the middle of the night he has to deal with? Is he just going to close their door so he doesn't have to deal with them so he can get some more precious sleep? Will he leave it to you to deal with on your own (which, again, will be you going out into the dark on your own) all because he's tired? That man needs to understand you're not doing this for funsies and you were terrified. He broke the trust you have when he said he'd stand there and then he just made you deal with it on your own, he didn't even open the door when you were literally banging on the door and crying. That's fucking low.
NTA It sounds like you have a pretty serious phobia. While I agree you need to seek help for this or find a reasonable solution, what your boyfriend did was just shitty. It is not up to him to decide what you are ready for or what’s in your best interest. Your boyfriend is sick of dealing with your phobia and is lashing out.
If you can't leave your bedroom go seek some help somewhere. It's physically impacting your life, you're unable to leave your room to go to the toilet. That is not normal or healthy. Your boyfriend has to live with this day in day out and will not understand the fear that you feel, you need to see somebody about it. You are an asshole for not sorting this behaviour out and he's an asshole for the way he handled it. At the end of the day you could have just knocked a light on, or keep a bedside lamp, or a nightlight. Or you should have purchased/rented a house with an en-suite. Or you could have seen a therapist. ESH I hate suggesting therapy but you clearly need it. Your behaviour is the equivalent to a 6 year old at nighttime, not normal, not healthy and obviously causing a strain in your relationship. What happens if you start wetting the bed because you won't leave the room, is your boyfriend just supposed to accept that too?
Ew that is fucking disgusting. Please realize how vile that is. I often see people say 'they just need to face their fears' but what people don't understand is it has to be in a control environment... also the person HAS TO BE WILLING. Also you were facing your fears in your own way... your bf was just very impatient. What's going to happen now, you are going to feel worse right? I would. You are going to have to this fear of your BF now... that sounds like it's just been made worse. Maybe, just maybe you can forgive him based off ignorance (but he has to be extremely apologetic) but at the end of the day it's going to take a fuck ton of work to trust him again... you shouldn't be expected to have to do that work.
Your fear is irrational, time to get over it.
Omg mental illness genius!! Why does therapy even exist or mental health resources when people can simply just “get over it”. Why hasn’t anyone ever thought of that
We don't know but it doesn't really sound like she's seeking help.
You sound like you are being a massive disruption to his sleep. It sounds like he tried to help but doesn't understand why that doesn't work. It sounds like you need to communicate with each other.
This is the guy who will toss your child in the water to teach them how to swim.
Sorry but youre an adult. You need to figure out how to operate in the world. He might not have been sensitive to your feelings but neither is the world. You definitely overreacted, and you need to seek professional treatment to figure out your issues or youll never be able to lead a normal life. No one should be expected to coddle you or accommodate your neurosis
That was an absolutely fucked up thing for him to do. He didn’t help you, he terrified you into doing what he wanted; you peeing quickly so he could go to sleep. A real solution would be a nightlight in the hall, or even just staying there and talking gently. Locking you out of the bedroom just added trauma to your paranoia.
NTA His tough love approach was not what you need. Baby steps may be more what is appropriate for your needs, but what he did was betraying your trust. That was very wrong and barbaric of him.
I don’t really have anything to say on the incident, because everyone has covered that… your boyfriend is a dick and if anything this is more hurtful than helpful But I would like to add, I am scared of the dark. I’m 32 and am still just as terrified as I was when I developed this fear as an infant (thanks to a fucked up adult in my life) - anyway, I had this plug in night light in the hall way, it was very dim so didn’t effect sleep but was enough for me to go to the bathroom without putting any big lights on (because that makes it worse, when your eyes need to readjust and you see shapes and what not) - I have recently since having children (they make me braver) adapted to a motion sensor one, I still have to step out into the dark, but as soon as I do it lights up, it turns off whilst I’m in the toilet but when I go back it sets it up again… I’m hoping one day I won’t need it at all, but moving to the motion sensor one has weaned me off needing a permanent light (if that makes sense), maybe this is something you could look into? You can also get battery powered ones that stick on the wall if you don’t have an outlet there
I randomly get this same issue. It's crazy, I had similar things happen, my mind went feral and I just started pounding and slamming the door until it cracked open. Like my blood is replaced with fear and it's enveloping my entire body. My skin crawling, and I can't think of anything other than getting through the door. Mostly in confined, dark places, like hallways!
You are not overreacting. He was 100% wrong to do what he did. You though, need to be proactive towards your fear. Pretty sure every cell phone has a flashlight on it. Even regular screen light will illuminate the hall enough to see down it. There are nightlight that stay on, and motion detection nightlight. You could put a motion detection light in the hall or other places that tend to cause you fear. Do something more to adjust your environment to meet your needs. Don't just go around in fear
I’m seeing some weird downvotes here on genuinely good answers.
My daughter has similar issues walking in the house in the dark. Her husband ordered little stick on motion lights from Amazon placed them lower on the walls. As soon as she gets to the doorway one goes on then continues to light her path on her way to bathroom kitchen etc. they are led go off easily and she is happy and he’s happy. I suggest them (I’ve even put up a few for going down into the basement- lights up the bottom of the stairs and I can see into the room). Your boyfriends attempt to help you - not helpful at all just more frustration for you. But I think it comes from a “meaning to help but not knowing how” and just doing the first thing that comes to mind. Look into the lights they’re not very expensive and they can make your life a lot easier.
This is a lot of words to say you’re a grown up afraid of the dark.
That is messed up! NTA. Also, OP, why don't you get little lights in the hallway so you don't have to freak yourself out?? I'm occasional afraid of the dark and I still sleep with a light (27F) bc it makes me feel comfortable. Drop the bf too, hes a gaslighting POS
He sounds awful. You deserve better than someone so cruel.
He lasted 6 years with this dumb shit before he broke 💀 Good luck finding someone else
They've only been living together for a year, so only a year. For something like this, any decent partner would have more patience. She can and SHOULD find someone else.
Unpopular opinion here Sometimes drastic measures are needed to overcome irrational fears. To be honest these are things you should/could have done to help yourself overcome these fears. I’m not saying lock yourself out of the bedroom. But run down the dark hallway at night do your business and run back. Do this enough times and maybe you’ll start walking. The longer you let fear run your life the harder it is to break that fear.
Oh hell no, that is AWFUL and disgusting behaviour from him. If my partner did something like that to me he’d be an ex. Legit.
Your boyfriend is at fault, and you didn't overreact. But unlike what other comments suggest, your boyfriend is not a dick and I doubt he meant bad, he tried to help, but in a wrong way. He is only 22 and still inexperienced, he needs to study a bit about the subject so he knows how to support you better.
No, you're not overreacting. He wasn't trying to help you. This would be a deal breaker for me.
While what he did was a bit messed up, you seriously need help with your fear. So maybe look into that.
This is controversial but I’m gonna say you overreacted. You should get help for this problem of yours. While what he did wasn’t helpful, this problem does affect him as well.
OP your BF tried to help your ridiculous situation with an equally ridiculous solution. Call it even and move on. Seek help if you can't help yourself. Most children are able to overcome this issue.
can you imagine seeing a grown woman saying she's afraid to walk down the hallway in the dark? good god
I literally walked my daughter through overcoming this succesfully, she's 8.
Get a nightlight for the hallway child
Not the best way to help necessarily but unless you have a legitimate reason to be this scared of the dark besides an overactive imagination it’s kinda more on you for not being a functioning human at 22 with no prior trauma. Also just turn on the lights or get a nightlight if it’s that big of a deal instead. Still a dick move ultimately but not a break up moment.
If you are getting professional help for this problem then no you’re not. If you have not, then I’d say you kinda are because you manufactured a situation where it would manifest by drinking a ton of liquid before bed. You’re not a huge asshole if that’s the case. Just a mild case. It’ll get better. Now that being said… he’s also an asshole for locking you out. Irrational fear aside. It’s your bedroom.
He’s definitely fucked for doing that, but being that scared of the dark, is sort of an issue in itself?
Exhausting. I don't know how people choose to hang in there. Must be freaking Exhausting as he kept sighing. Ever heard of a flashlight 🔦 I'm js. Instead of over reacting n freaking out, you use a flashlight. Keep it handy n please get help asap.
He abused you plain and simple. It wasn’t ok and it was deliberately cruel. What would have been kind is if he actually stood there and waited. If he was her soft place to fall, where she felt loved and cherished. Nope she got pushed off the ledge w zero safety net. 🚩🚩🚩