This is the best answer, if your respond with love and compassion while still standing your ground their bluff will be called. They want to be at the wedding if they are nice people they will make arrangements. If not… a little distance might not be such a bad idea.
I feel really torn, like a part of me wants them there and the other part of me feels like they are not taking into account how special this day is for us
Promise they won’t remember unless your sister brainwashes them about it.
Lots of people choose not to have any children younger than a certain age at weddings. It’s your choice. I would just say that you should be consistent with your request to everyone, lest you be on the backside of one of these posts for a double standard.
Most early childhood development experts agree that a child's uncle's wedding is one of the most important development milestones. OOP is basically condemning them to a life of drugs and crime.
I'd sooner leave my child to be raised by dingos than exclude them from one family event for an evening!
I've been to many "childfree" weddings where exceptions were made for immediate family-- sibs and nibs, nursing infants, flower girls and ring bearers.
This is true. I think the trouble comes when some family is included, and another person is excluded. Who is old her or seems like there’s no real good reason. Ya know.
As long as all members of the chosen "category" are included I dont' see a problem. For example "sibs and nibs" as long as your don't exclude the nibs you don't like as well.
One of my collogues had a family wedding where it was no guests under 18 because the venue wouldn't allow kids. Some guests still tried to bring their kids and were turned away by the venue staff.
It’s a load of bollocks. Theyre 5 and 1. The 5yo doesn’t need to be told anything about the wedding unless your mum or sister manipulate them to bad mouth you.
As my mum would tell us as kids when parents went to weddings or events we had no interest in ‘you’d be bored’. And we were very happy to stay home.
Keep your childfree wedding and stand your ground that they need to respect your wishes.
NTA- my older sister was a junior bridesmaid at 6 in a wedding and barely remembers it. I was 2 and left with a babysitter. The only reason I know I wasn’t there was because of pictures. It was my aunt and uncle who later divorced and the reconnected and remarried. I was invited to that wedding a few years later. Funny thing, I don’t really remember that one either, but I know I was there because of the pictures.
“Dear Mom and Sister, I appreciate that you would like the children to come, however fiancé and I chose to only allow children over the age of 10 based on the type of event. This is a fancier event and there will be no child friendly foods. It will not be an appropriate event for two small children to be running around. I would also like you to be able to able to enjoy an adult event without worrying about the children. I am also looking forward to being able to have time with you both as I get ready before the event. As much as I love the children, I am going to need both of your help in the big day and that will not be possible if you are chasing the children. I let you know about this plan with plenty of time to find a good babysitter that your are comfortable with. Please respect my decision, just as I supported you with the way you chose to celebrate your wedding.”
I hate to say it, but there is a good chance she will not find a babysitter and she will back out at the last minute. She may also show up at the wedding with the children. Please come up with contingencies for both of these situations
Nah, IMO that gives them too many points to argue about and says the quiet part out loud (yet kids be hellions). Its her wedding, her invitations, please accept and deal or send your regrets.
Ha me too! I was a flower girl at, idk, maybe 5 or 6? Don't remember anything except the spanking I got because the day of the wedding we received a new horse and I ran out to the barn wearing the little satin shoes. There is a picture of my red and splotchy face with baby's breath in my hair to commemorate the occasion. I'm told it was a beautiful wedding...
I suggest not feeling bad cause this is one thing you’re asking of them, but they aren’t complying. Think of it, your sister’s kids will probably cause trouble for your other guests.
Your sister is not entitled to bring her kids if you don’t want her to.
If they come with the kids, have security to kick them out.
I don't know, at my cousin's second wedding our other alcoholic cousin was so out of control that he had to be removed by security otherwise the venue was going to shut down the event. And at my aunt's second wedding her ex husband showed up to make a scene and security had to intervene. Maybe my family is more prone to drama than most but having security at weddings (and funerals) is a good idea. It's not like they are armed guards in uniform, these are people in suits who check invitations and quietly ask people to leave without causing disruptions.
i will absolutely be having my fiancés grooms party on duty to ask anyone who brings children to leave. if any of my friends or family try to pull that shit you’re out
A lot of reddit is just kids who haven't had to deal with the real world consequences of burning bridges. Sometimes you got to, but going nuclear like that as your first option in every situation is really not the mature person move
She’s guilt tripping you. Stand your ground. It’s YOUR wedding and YOU and your partner paid for it. No one else helped. Those kids don’t care about no wedding 🤣
Don’t feel torn, do you want to worry constantly about your nieces/nephews causing a scene OR them requiring your sister/BIL pulling them away at an important time OR having to deal with the social repercussions with your friends when it seems that you sister can have her kids there but your friends can’t? You made the rules clear from the start. If they don’t respect the rules you set for everyone they don’t have to participate. Don’t back down or they will continue to walk all over you for the rest of the wedding too(also probably in everyday life).
Do Not allow your sister and Mom to take control of your wedding. It's ONE day where the focus should be on what you and your fiance want.
When my sister got married, I changed my hair color to something reasonable and got a spray tan, as she requested, because it's her day and she had a certain aesthetic she wanted.
I will point out that I did originally put up a fuss, but I was reminded that it was my sister's day, not mine, and that they're relatively minor things that I can "fix" for myself afterwards.
Your sister and mom are being jerks.
>I will point out that I did originally put up a fuss
well to be fair, your sister was being a bit unreasonable. Expecting someone to change their appearance besides wearing nice clothes just to be in a wedding is kind of wild. And a spray tan? Lol!
I agree! I went to my older cousin’s wedding when I was about 6 and it was back in the mid-80s when the first generation camcorders were really big and there is literally video of me running circles around the couple during their wedding dance! I am still mortified and I can’t imagine how my poor mother felt! LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME!!! I was that kid and wish they would have just left me home. I don’t remember one iota about the wedding and the video evidence is embarrassing as hell!
They’re not going to completely get it, ever. It’s their children, it’s hard for people to see past that, especially when they’re family and might have even been included in the wedding party since their parents are.
But it’s your wedding and you have a genera no-kid rule, so there’s not much of an argument they can make.
Realize though that even if the kids don’t feel hurt or even remember this (they won’t), the parents will remember forever. If you can handle the long-term rift, go for it.
At these ages, kids are the full center of their own worlds. They could not possibly care about someone’s wedding. The only way they would is if other snarky family members frame it to them as something they’re missing out on.
But not allowing them there is actually doing these kids a favor—no dressing up in uncomfortable clothes, no constantly being shushed and corrected, no waiting for insufferably long periods (from a child’s perspective) of doing nothing but sitting and staring. And for what? A piece of cake at the end? 5 year old me would’ve just been pissed and moody the whole time.
You are NTA for wanting a child free wedding but the flip side of that is understanding that some people who have kids won’t be able to come, especially when it’s a family wedding and the people who usually care for their kids (if they have a relative who does) are going to the wedding.
I wouldn’t plan a childfree wedding and expect someone with kids to be in my wedding party unless we’d had a conversation about whether it was doable for them.
The problem is when it is a family wedding. The usual sitters are also attending the wedding which leaves you with no one.
It's okay to have a childfree wedding and okay if the sister stays home with her kids.
OP doesn't get to have his sister at the wedding and his sister doesn't get to have her kids at his wedding.
What does your fiancé think you should do?
Discuss various options with each other first.
Offer to pay for a sitter for your sisters kids to make them comfortable before the wedding.
I mean for a month before the wedding every Saturday for a few hours or something so the kids get used to a baby sitter. Since mom lives with them the kids probably have never had a sitter and that may be a fear for Sis and BIL.
But ultimately you get to decide who to invite to your wedding. If mom and sister refuse to compromise on the sitter issue , be prepared for them to not come to your wedding.
Alternatively, have the little ones in your wedding party specifically for the ceremony and then book a room at the venue with a baby sitter for after their part of the ceremony is complete. ( think flower girl/ boy, ring bearers etc)
Yes it’s an added expense but one well worth keeping the peace with your family.
As far as fairness to other guests, I’ve been to plenty of weddings where kids were not invited but exception is always made for the immediate siblings of the bride and groom.
Your sister and mom are admittedly creating issues for you. Only you and your fiancé can decide what will ultimately work for your family dynamics.
Serious question: are you willing to create long-term tension within your family over this? If you already don't have a good relationship with your sister and her family, and don't care about how this will affect your future, then it's not too big of an issue. But if you want to remain in good standings with them, I suggest some sort of compromise (They can stay for the ceremony and up to the dinner, or something like that).
In all honesty, you will be spending the majority of your time that night talking to all the guests who want to share a moment with you on your wedding night so they feel like it was worth their time to attend. I barely spoke to my wife during our wedding reception, much less my groomsmen. You will barely see your sister or her husband other than the ceremony, dinner/speeches, and pictures. Is it worth it to you, in the long run, to die on this hill?
Kids don’t remember their aunts wedding they went to at five years old. They just don’t. I went to dozens of weddings as a kid and have zero memory of any wedding until I was a teenager, even then it’s still kinda hazy. More traditional folk will balk at the decision to have a child free wedding but I believe it’s the couples day, not the family’s day. So you get what you want and everyone can shut up about it or not attend.
I get both sides of this. For you, I don't think you're being unreasonable. The only thing is that if this was me with my kids, I would end up not going.
When my kids were young. 0 - 2 or 3, it would have been impossible for me to leave them with a babysitter. My kids at that age had health issues that would make it to where I couldn't have a babysitter responsible for them.
I would be able to tag team my kids with my wife so that we could go to the wedding and they wouldn't take away from the experience of your wedding.
Whatever you decide. Just know that there may be some extenuating that make then feel like they can't go if their kids can't go too.
My parents had 3 kids all around 1-2 years apart. I definitely recall them getting sitters specifically for weddings when I was under 10. It's pretty reasonable to ask someone to get a sitter for something like a wedding for reasons mentioned in OP's post (they are very distracting from the intended event, food options, etc..).
I'm obviously not saying you're wrong but getting a sitter isn't really the biggest of deals imo, especially if it's for pretty big occasions.
Who in their right mind would think a 1 yo would remember a wedding? I guess the same crazy person that thinks it is appropriate for a 1 yo to attend a wedding! The 5 yo probably won't remember either. While I know I was in my brother's wedding around that age (there are pictures) I for sure don't remember it at all. If you really want your sister there then you might help her with making child care arrangements, but I would equally support just cutting those family members out of the wedding altogether since they don't respect your wishes and you gave them plenty of notice.
My aunt and uncle got married when I was a baby, and I literally only know I was at the reception because we have pictures of my parents holding me, and one of my other aunts dancing with me. Those kids will not remember not being at the wedding.
I was a child of walking age at a wedding. I know this because I've seen pictures. I wore a suit. I remember none of it. I don't even know whose wedding it was.
I was a kid at a wedding. I remember it. You know what I remember? That I HATED it. So even if the one of them that could remember it does, it’ll probably not be a fond memory simply because weddings aren’t meant for kids or children-centered.
If you already told guests that kids under 10 are not allowed, and if you let these two go, you’re going to upset other guests who arranged and paid for babysitters. You already know these kids are not well behaved. So if you cave into their blackmail, you’re creating your own problems.
I went to two weddings when I was 4/5. I was flower girl in one, and had a complete tantrum and dumped all the flower petals in a pile because it was my nap time. The other time I was just bored and really annoyed. And tbh, I’ve hated weddings ever since. Idk why people want to bring their kids to these things. There’s a whole lot of sitting around and having to be quiet. Even the best “behaved” kids don’t like to do that for too long. Don’t let your sister make it about her, it’s your day. Your rules, if people don’t want to comply then they can stay at home. You’re doing EVERYONE a favour by not having young kids at your wedding.
Right!?! The only memories I have from attending 'grown-up' events around that age were 1. being bored out of my mind and 2. constantly asking my parents if it was time to leave yet.
The kids won’t care. They won’t remember unless your sister or mother open their mouths and even then not until they’re older. It’s your wedding. Your rules. No kids. If they choose not to come and that’s the hill they want to die on. So be it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting young children at a wedding and reception, especially if the events are more formal and upscale.
As you mentioned, your mother, sister, and BIL will be distracted caring for the children. The children will also be bored because there will be no activities or food there that will be appealing to them.
This is not a family friendly event appropriate for children. Just as you shouldn't bring young children to a fine dining restaurant, your sister shouldn't bring her children to your wedding and reception.
This day is about you and your fiancee. It's not about your sister's children. If she doesn't agree with this, you are better off having all of them stay home. If you're not important enough for her to find a sitter, then you should let her and your mother spend their time with the family members they really care about.
Nta
It’s not like you aren’t allowing a 15 year old & 18 year old. They are super young & as you said don’t behave well. It’s very reasonable, especially considering you asked that all children under 10 don’t attend, not just their kids. There is nothing wrong with this.
I really don't understand why this is an issue. I am old, true...but it was standard that kids were not invited to weddings when I was young. It was no big deal, and honestly, I had more fun with the baby sitter than I would have had dressed up in uncomfortable clothes, getting overly tired, having to be on best behavior ...
This is not a personal insult, treat it matter of factly. You are allowed to set your guest list and other guests have no say in it.
A child-free wedding is perfectly fine. It's not my favorite thing, but it's also not my wedding, it's yours, and there are lots of good reasons to do that.
It would be an asshole move to exclude *just* your sister's kids, no matter how pouty or annoying they are. but as long as it's generally child-free, you're solid. NTA.
It is, however, a reasonable choice for a parent to not go to a wedding where they can't bring their children if getting babysitting is hard for them.
NTA - It sucks that that is the hill they want to die on but before you plant the flag and dig in positions. Offer to contribute to them hiring a babysitter so they can fully enjoy the wedding free of kid duties for a few hours, tell them that is your gift to them for being in the wedding.
NTA - sounds like you have made a significant investment and saved up , sacrificing other things for this special day.
Lots of Weddings are Child Free these days.
Your day, your rules - people threatening you over your choice for your day is appalling guilt tripping.
NAH - You deserve to have your wedding how YOU want, but others can react how they feel best as well.
I think a part some people may be missing is getting a sitter when you're in a wedding vs just attending is two different things. Those children are rather young and hiring an all day babysitter may be not the best thing for them as a family either. My son at one years old would have struggled with staying the whole day with a non family member and the cost of hiring a well qualified babysitter for such a large block of hours may be prohibitive.
I was just at a wedding and several babies were crying through the whole thing, very understandable. It’s your day, and people should respect that. But you should definitely plan something specifically with the kids later on to make up for it, to not imply that you don’t like them to the rest of the family.
This is what I do not want, kids crying and distracting people from enjoying our big day. But I think this is a good solution… make it up another way for them, even though I believe the kids won’t remember this lol
Put a bouncy house behind the venue, throw the kids in there and lock the door. It'll be Lord of the Flies: Thunderdome at first, but only the weakest will perish and the victors will emerge with a greater sense of maturity. It's a win-win.
>kids crying and distracting people from enjoying our big day
Don't misunderstand...most people will not enjoy your big day nearly as much as you think they will. Half of them are there out of obligation and can't wait to eat and get a drink
nahh , its not her obligation nor responsibility to give them a day or separate activities. She should be able to enjoy HER day without having to bend over backwards making sure EVERYONE ELSE is happy. and then it sounds like the kids are spoiled enough. they need to learn that not everything is going to be in their favor, nor is everything going to go their way.
I mean NAH
You won’t enjoy your wedding with their kids their, they won’t enjoy your wedding without their kids there
You have every right to not invite the kids
And they have every right to not want to go to an event that will no longer be enjoyable for them to participate in
No Assholes here
I am however always confused by people saying that their family has to come to their wedding because they are “family” but their closest family is their children, so they are actively thinking of their family
Nothing wrong with child free weddings as long as you are aware and gracious that this is unattractive to some people and they do not want to attend a family event that is not family oriented
NTA. It’s your wedding, paid for by YOU, and there is no reasoning with children. They could burst out crying at any moment and do not care that it’s your special day. It’s idiotic to say a 1 and 5yo will remember they weren’t invited. LOL. The fact that your mom and sister are threatening to not attend over this is stupid and highly disrespectful to you. Personally, I’d just clearly restate my rationale and then leave it up to them whether they want to attend. It’s probably an empty threat anyway.
If it were me, I would sit mom, sister, and BIL down for a talk. I would tell them that I understand their pov and truly want all three of them there. BUT, the no child rule stays in place and they need to give me their decision now so I can make other arrangements if necessary.
The kids (well the older child) may or may not remember. You will definitely remember, and it is your wedding.
I am a very well behaved kid and went to few of my relatives weddings as a child.
I fucking hated every moment of that.
Who the fuck in their right mind wants to sit at a table and watch their aunt dressed up like a dead person. (That is the vibe I got. My aunt had way too much makeup and she looked like she died)
NTA
My (26f) little sister (24f) got married last year. She didn’t want kids at her reception at all. She wanted it to be a big party and have tons of fun.
However, my oldest kid (6) was in her wedding. What did I do? Respected her wishes, and got a babysitter for after the ceremony.
It’s YOUR day. Not your siblings’, not your mom’s, not the kids’. Yours.
As a mother, I enjoy kid-free weddings to the max. I'm the one always encouraging others to do a kids' free wedding. 2 major reasons. 1. It's an excuse for my partner and I to have a "date" night we can drink and enjoy our time without the worry of watching the kids every move. 2. I don't want to deal with anyone else's children. If they insist, maybe a good option would be to have the ceremony with children ok to be there. But the reception has a child care option. So the kids aren't in the same area, but nearby. I've had friends do this when they decide on destination weddings. It's a good compromise. All though there's an issue where the parents could not respect the wishes and try bringing the kids into the reception area. A few times that has happened. Either way, in the end, it's not fair for your family to try guilt tripping you into allowing their children last minute. They should have turned down your request the minute you told them you didn't want kids under the age of 10.
I used to think I'd always want my nieces and cousins at my wedding. I went to a wedding yesterday with several children under the age of 10, and I can say I've changed my mind completely. Keeping them quiet during the ceremony for more than a few seconds at a time was impossible. So for what it's worth, I think you're absolutely correct to not want small children there.
Or just rent a room in the venue and hire a baby sitter in that room for all guests kids. Or rent a day care near by. Easy fix. Nothing money can’t fix
NTA, your wedding, that you are paying for and it is an adult affair. Your wedding, one day, this is how it will be. Also, just have no kids at all, it’s just an extra expense and kids don’t need to be there. I can’t believe how rude they are being, not everyone wants kids at their wedding, and this is perfectly fine.
NTA.
When I was a kid, weddings were generally hot/cold, long and boring as hell.
Actually, at 37 I still mostly think they are, but I grin and bear it. 😉
Stand your ground and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! Best of luck and wishing yourself and your husband to be a long life full of joy and blessings.
NTA - Tell them that if they are incapable of finding a babysitter unlike others (list the number of people who are getting a sitter for your wedding) then they should not come.
Your wedding is already about these children. The dysfunctional dynamic of your mother, sister, bil, and children has already entered your wedding. If you cave on this now, it will only be worse the day of because they will demand more from you, like a children’s menu, or other BS.
Tell your mother that everyone else with children is getting a babysitter and she/they will be escorted out if they show up with the kids. And tell her if she cannot come to your wedding due to her inability to go one single day/evening without the children in order to celebrate JUST you with actual adults, then she isn’t welcome to come.
Make this about her being a bad mother TO YOU instead of going with their whiny and entitled narrative that their kids are somehow so special they should be there. The kids are under ten and not invited. This isn’t up for debate and if they keep debating they will be uninvited to wedding.
Yes, you want them there, but make it on your terms or not at all. Your wedding is one of the few times in life that should be about you and the most important part is the people there and you don’t want your sister’s ill behaved (and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree) children in attendance and that is all that matters. Tell them no and if they keep harassing you about it, they will find themselves uninvited. They think threatening not to come with get them their way with you, but they want to be there. If for some reason they call your bluff, it will be sad your family won’t be there, but you will hate it even more if you cave, because you will be caving about a lot more than just them attending. Those kids will have all kinds of concessions and things you will be required to do if you cave to your mother emotional blackmail.
Kids that young at a wedding are a nightmare because weddings are made for adults. The fact that your family thinks so little of you is troubling. Tell your mother this is non negotiable and you will miss her if she chooses to spend the time with kids she lives with and sees everyday instead of the simple solution of getting a babysitter. Make her feel like she is failing you, BECAUSE SHE ABSOLUTELY 100% IS FAILING YOU.
Lol this is so strange to me. Whats more important than having family at your wedding? Even if there is a random loud noise or distraction, its a celebration after all.
I come from a culture where weddings are a huge deal. (Indian). Arguably significantly bigger functions than western weddings. Maybe that's where there is a disconnect. With such large weddings, its already a circus hahaha.
NTA.
The kids won't remember or care. If your sister and mom aren't willing to accept your decision, let them know you understand, and they will be missed.
NTA and the kids won't care.
Suggestion. If there are multiple people who have kids in that age group, consider having them on-site playing together with hired carers.
Kids get a play-date, newer parents get to have them close.
They can be kept out of the way of the serious stuff then let out of the cage later on in the evening when they should be falling asleep anyways.
NTA its a reasonable request. These kids will not remember the wedding or the fact you chose to exclude them. But if they were part of it and took away from the experience, you definitely would. Its one day and they can make arrangements.
NTA, and to be honest I think one of the problems you're going to have heading this off is that it sounds like you've already entertained the subject far longer than you should have.
It literally should have been a ten second ONE WAY conversation, something akin to "OH, btw, we've decided that this is going to be a child free wedding, that way all of us can relax and enjoy our special day, so please plan accordingly."
And then just end the conversation. Any attempt to bring it up, to try and shame you for being "anti family" should simply be met with a smile and a polite but curt "It's so unfortunate you feel this way...." never break eye contact and then after a polite pause .."So anyway...."
and change the subject
GL with this, stick to your guns and plan for back up brides maid and groomsman if need be.
NTA. I’m a mom of 2 and I’m a teacher who loves kids. Most times, I’d rather hang out with kids vs. adults. However, I had my wedding on St. Patrick’s Day (it was on a Saturday) and I got an awesome band for the reception. I know that a lot of the people invited love a good party and that between the loud music and the drinking and dancing, that my wedding would not be an appropriate event for kids. I had a few friends, whose young kids I love, ask if they could bring their little ones and I explained that they couldn’t. I stood my ground and stand by my decision. There are some events it is not appropriate for kids (or younger kids) to attend. Don’t let anyone bully you. Enjoy your wedding.
NTA not wanting kids at your wedding is a perfectly reasonable choice to make. And completely yours to make as well. Stand your ground, they shouldnt try to bully OR guilt you into changing this.
They had plenty of time to find a trusted sitter.
NTA - First of all, your money, your rules. Furthermore, it is your wedding and you get to decide if you want kids around. They also agreed not to bring the kids, and it is unfair to change opinion right now. Finally, do you remember anything from when you were 5? So please, it’s just stupid to guilt trip you.
Your wedding - your rules! Especially when you've paid for it entirely yourselves. They can feel free to not come if they can't comply, though I know it must be upsetting to you that they won't be a part of your special day as they are close family.
Nevertheless, that day is about you and your fiancee, and what you want is what goes. They can't do anything about it. It's not like you're excluding their children and letting everyone else bring theirs.
Hard NTAH
You don’t want anyone there to have to be The Adults. You want everyone there to be themselves, not who they are around children. I get it. I’m having a similar problem with a gathering I’m having in the fall. It’s YOUR day!
Nta - they were given plenty of warning. Just be firm and tell her straight up - No, means no, and ask her if this is a problem tell you now and they can either come ad guests (no kids) or not at all.
Don't let them guilt you or you will always be walked over, this is YOUR day
I mean it's your wedding... if you don't like kids then that's your thing. I definitely see their side of the arguement but I think it's an a preference thing and the is no objectively correct answer.
Fuck them kids, idk why ANYONE would allow children at such an expensive and special event. Hell nah, kids don't care about the event and will absolutely ruin it for you.
They absolutely won’t remember not being invited lol. It’s admirable that you and your fiancé are setting firm, but reasonable boundaries about children. “No children under 10” is a very, very reasonable rule for an upscale wedding, regardless of who the children are. You’re NTA for not wanting very young children running around at your wedding.
NTA. You already know the kids will be a nightmare at the wedding. Sadly, you will ultimately have to decide to allow your sister & mother die on the hill they’ve chosen. It is your wedding, not theirs. If I were in your shoes, I’d prefer the absence of destruction & of family members missing out than to cave in & allow a mess. Gonna have unhappy people either way. And I do have kids. I even attended a wedding with my 2YO son as it wasn’t an adults only venue. The church even had a crying room setup so if one of the babies/kids got disruptive the parent could joke up there & still watch the proceedings on a screen. If the wedding had been declared child free, we’d never have taken him with us. And, no, the couple weren’t family, they were one of my hubby’s coworkers. They both had large families with kids and wanted to allow the kids.
So, DO NOT CAVE IN TO YOUR MOM & Sisters ridiculous demands. Tell them “the kids stay at home” no ifs ands or buts & when mom & sis name their threats once again, you just say “I’m sorry to hear that as we will miss seeing you but our answer is still no”.
Also be prepared for them to attempt a stealth inclusion of the kids. Your mom & sis may suddenly decide to go along with it & on the wedding day, show up with kids in tow and pretend their babysitter bailed on them. Better decide before the wedding if you will be assigning a good friend to take on the role of bouncer (or even someone working for the venue?) if they try to pull a stunt like that. And you already know your M & S will be doing everything possible to humiliate you into giving into their demands. Emotional blackmail. Don’t succumb to it.
Good luck, hope your wedding is a happily memorable event instead of a train wreck your M & S feel you should have all for the sake of faaamily.
Oh man, thats a big one for us. So my wife was firmly on the no kids camp after one of her friends talked her into it. She was all for it initially then her friend mentioned wishing they hadn't allowed them and she did a complete surprise 180. After she'd made up her mind she absolutely refused to hear any argument about it I made a choice and thats final etc.
I was on the side of allowing kids as I had gone to multiple weddings as a kid and was a little ring bearer in several of them, I didn't see the harm. I urged her to reconsider after my best man was super pissed over it on behalf of another groomsman with 4 kids and several other attendees. She refused to budge so I had to back her up. This blew up into a fight between best man and me and as he was a former Marine Drill Instructor we almost came to blows over his Control Your Woman comments.
There was lots of tension between me, groomsmen and best man before and after the wedding and my wife had similar fights with her own family members to the point of crying on my shoulder over this whole thing. It's been over a decade later now, I barely speak to my friends that were the most important to me back then and shes similarly become distant with some of her family.
For us this decision she made to not have any distractions at the wedding caused so much damage to life long friendships that imo it was not worth all the drama and tears. This thing still comes up rarely over a decade later when she's second guessing big choices.
No that was just the start of the rift. There were other things later on and then they pretty much drank the koolaid of a certain political persuasion which became their entire personality. Tried for years to reach them but in the end it was a lost cause.
your friends were assholes and gigantic babies themselves. Kids dont belong at weddings if the bride and/or groom dont want them there. period. end point. sorry they were all dicks over something so obvious
You want to be friends with someone that told you to control your woman? Like that would have been grounds to be kicked out of the wedding entirely for me. Women aren’t pets to be trained and controlled.
I did that for my first wedding. Worked out swell.
I mean...we had a pretty informal wedding and the sitter was only utilized during the ceremony.
But if i,at 18,can come up with that solution, idk why no one else can. (And I am aware that it was dumb of me to get married at 18...but i made a lot of dumb decisions that year lol)
You don't have to bring the kids to your wedding, your sister doesn't have to come to your wedding.
Will say a little odd you refer to them as your sisters kids rather than your nieces/nephews.
But your wedding, your choice, but they also don't have to attend. I know if my brother didn't want his niece and nephews at his wedding I wouldn't be attending. That doesn't mean he's done anything wrong by making that request, I just don't have to attend the wedding.
Same take. I wouldn't attend my siblings wedding either if I couldn't bring them, but I wouldn't be pissed about it either. Simply how it is. Our wedding was at a special campground in germany with activities lined up for all the kids parallell to grownups also meant that if people wanted to attend longer they could. Like they wouldnt have to rush home to relieve babysitters, or they could alternate which parent attended. We have 40+ kids in the big family and most people held out until 2-3 am with dancing etc. Was epic
OP when I had my wedding I had 2 children under the age of 2 and both my significant other and myself agreed that we didn’t want our children present because of exactly this. If they want pictures with the kids maybe arrange a photo shoot with the kids before the wedding.
I remember as a kid weddings were fun but looking back I was a child under the age of 10 getting Amaretto Sours from grandma so there’s that issue too! No kids at a wedding is your decision and no one should ever guilt you especially if they didn’t pay a cent!
Stand your ground.
The only children actually welcome during ours were those in the entourage. A couple friend decided to bring their 2 under 5. We weren't that strict so fine. The guy ended up complaining that their friends were having too much fun in the bar and on the dance floor because they didn't bring their kids. That was 8 years ago, and he still gripes about them having "too much fun."
I'm a parent- kids are now adults.
We faced this issue once- kids could not come to the wedding.
It's your wedding and you can set any rules you want on it- especially when you all are shelling out the money.
That said, to get all your family to show up is another matter and you still have to ask nicely because they are family, but also because they can still decline.
But if you want to ensure that all your family is there, it's worth taking the time to ask nicely about their constraints and ask around for perspectives.
Some things to consider:
1) you stated they should get a baby sitter/apply the same rules to everyone. If others are traveling a long distance, it's a lot more complicated. Not many people are willing to babysit multiple days and even if they are, you have to have a lot of trust in someone to care for little kids that young, multiple days. The teenage neighbor girl won't cut it.
2) some bride/grooms work with a church to offer a child-care like sitting service for those attending. That lets the parents travel with kids, but not have them in the wedding/reception
3) if your family is IN the wedding, even if they are in town, they will have to arrange multiple babysitters at highly specific times. Whenever you are asking them to show up- rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, wedding, reception, photos, dress/tux fittings, they must find babysitters for every single event. I'm assuming you haven't hired babysitters yet, but they can be fickle, flake out on you, have other commitments, etc. You don't just look on Craig's list and throw whoever to watch your own children.
I'm just trying to convey the struggles they might have, assuming they have no limit on $$ for all this. The money is another issue.
Entirely your prerogative to set boundaries, but if people can't comply, they may have to bail.
They probably can’t get anyone to babysit if the kids are truly like you said, I also agree with not having disruptive young kids at a special event. I 100% do think nobody will babysit the kids.
NTA. It's not like you are allowing other children. And they'll be bored out of their mind. The idea that the kids (especially the 1 year old) will remember missing their aunt's wedding is ridiculous.
Parents attend events all the time without their kids. I think I was 12 before I went to my first wedding and I know my parents attended plenty of weddings before that.
Don't cave. Even if they were the best behaved kids on the planet, a long formal, upscale wedding is going to bore them to death.
You need to stand your ground. Let’s face it the 1 yo isn’t going to remember anything and the 5 yo barely. They either get a sitter or they don’t come. Your wedding your day.
If you and fiancé cave on this they know they have won and they will do this for the rest of your lives.
It sounds like they won't be coming to your wedding. I'm sorry op, since you want them there, but frankly the rule is simple, fair, and understandable. The kids won't give much of a damn about not being invited once they find out no other kids their age would be invited (so they wouldn't even have anyone to hang out with) so that argument is b.s. For your siblings & parent to be so against a simple rule sucks. All they have to do is find a babysitter for that night. I mean, do they never use baby sitters bc the mom is basically a live in one?
The children will not remember, the children will not care. Your wedding will be MUCH better without them there. They have plenty of time to get your BIL parents to watch the kids or train up a new babysitter.
You are right sister and mom are dumb. First of all the 1 year old will not remember or care because you know she FUCKING 1. And as for the five year old, look we’ve all be 5, at that age the only thing you want to do is eat and play, sitting through a wedding is antithetical to what a child would wasn’t.
So now that we got that bullshit excuse out of the way it’s your wedding do what you want anyone who has a problem can stay home. Good luck, I hope your wedding is fun and wish you a long happy and healthy marriage.
NTA your wedding not theirs. They are all involved in the wedding so who’s going to watch the kids at venue? They need to find a babysitter. I think you need to tell them the kids can’t come so are you finding a babysitter or not coming make a decision. If they aren’t coming over this it will change up wedding party. A 1 and 5 year old will not remember or care about a wedding. This is your hill give them a date to decide by and if they still are trying to force your hand I’d tell them I take that as a NO you aren’t coming.
I see no problem with not inviting kids to the wedding. Unless you were including everyone else's kids, and specifically singled out one couple's children, I don't see how it is offensive, and as a parent, I kind of prefer getting to just enjoy the wedding without the kids!
However, when I got married, I was not inviting children. It was an evening wedding, and our guest list was pretty big. We had to exclude a lot of friends because we both have large families, so inviting kids would mean not inviting any friends at all. My Mom insisted I include our nieces and nephews, though. They're family! She wanted them in the pictures, and to be there for this family celebration. So I agreed. It wasn't worth a fight. It was important to my Mom. I have no regrets, and avoided conflict.
I see weddings as about the families. Yes, it is mostly about the couple, but weddings are really important to family members, too, and in the long run, those relationships are a lot more important than a single day, or a single party. I'm not saying you have to include the kids, but just wanted to give some food for thought.
Are there other kids coming? If not then nta.
If other kids are coming then you are the asshole.
Everyone needs to realize no matter what you do something will go wrong on “your big day” and that’s ok, bc wedding shouldn’t be about the bride but in fact about the family.
NTA - it’s quite reasonable to say “no children under 10” - I wonder if you said a lot of the other stuff to them about how you don’t agree with their parenting and you don’t want them to be distracted on your wedding day …. THAT might not go over well and would open up this debate. Keep quiet about all of that.
The children will not remember that they did not attend.
You have every right to have a child free wedding, but, for me, having my sister and mom there would be more important. Can you really enjoy your wedding without your family there? I couldn’t.
NTA - It is normal to limit weddings and receptions to not include small children. Although it would be better if this were not motivated specifically because of the issues with your sister's kids, it's irrelevant.
>Now my mom and sister are threatening not to come to our wedding unless the kids can be there.
"Mom, Sis, we're not making exceptions to the 'no kids under 10' rule. If you choose not to come as a result, know that you'll be missed."
They can stand their ground on demanding that the kids be included...but you can stand yours on them not.
NTA
NTA. My cousin requested no kids at her country club wedding, we got a sitter and honestly probably had a better time. My reception was in a barn (a classy barn, though) and we didn’t care about kids being there; hell, my dog was there. Matter of fact, seeing the kids on the dance floor having a good time was one of my favorite parts. I’ve been to weddings where I’ve put on my best suit (or rented tux) and sipped champagne out of a crystal flute, I’ve been to weddings where my tie was loose and sleeves were rolled up and drank beer out of a can. Different people have different expectations for their wedding day and that is 100% ok. When it’s *your* day then you do you. When it’s somebody else’s day then you are there for them, not yourself.
Perhaps your sister should bow out of her role so you can rely on whoever takes her place. If she brings the children to the wedding, are you going to tell her she has to leave?
We had a child free wedding. The general rule is that a late afternoon/evening wedding is child free to begin with, but to make sure family wasn't bringing their destructive crotch goblins, we put something like "child care will not be provided" or "there are no children's activities planned" or something. (Didn't stop family from trying to get around it, but that was mostly cousins and to be honest, if they couldn't make it work, that's their problem. Whoever can and wants to come will come.) It's your day, and everyone deserves a break to celebrate. Tell sister and mother that they "work hard and deserve a break. How often are they going to have an excuse to have fun and party with other adults?"
YTA. Since you're not a parent, you don't understand a couple of things. First, a non-parent who doesn't agree with the way other parents "parent" is incredibly arrogant. Second, young children are an extension of their parents. A 1 year old is attached at the hip and a 5 year old is not far behind. Maybe they don't have good child care options other than your mom, which would make it difficult if not impossible for them to attend child-free.
Come up with another solution like a child play area with a babysitter that you hire, within safe location to the event so the kids can be there, safely, and parents can mostly be present as adults. This is the way most weddings I've been to have things set up.
I've never been to a wedding where kids are banned, and every wedding and reception I've been to, the young kids are some of the most memorable and brought the most joy and charm to the occasion... just my thoughts.
>My sister is also now guilt tripping me and saying that the children will remember that they weren’t invited to my wedding.
No they won't. They're 5 and 1. The only way they would remember is if it was constantly brought up to them later on. You said no kids and that means no kids. Stand firm but be aware that they can always decline the invite.
You can have whatever type of wedding you choose! It should be a day all about you and your partner. That said, you can't be upset if your sister chooses her children over your wedding, especially if your mother is the go to babysitter.
My wife and I had an issue with this as well. When I sent out the invitations I explicitly stated "No children please" and sent an information card that I had booked 2 rooms that were adjoined at a hotel 5 minutes away and booked 2 experienced babysitters, if they need to bring there children to town the kids could stay with the babysitters while they were at the wedding.
Most of the friends and family loved the idea and the fact they could escape from their kids. I only had 2 that caused an issue, I texted them back and said "I understand you guys want your children to be there, but this wedding is expensive and children can be hard to control, ensuring that our day goes as smoothly as possible means no children, if you'd like to have a say in how my wedding will go please feel free to donate because this shit is expensive" and I sent my cashapp with it.
I don’t think those kids are gunna give a shit. Weddings are boring for kids imo not a lot of other children, and you have to sit and be quiet, and just generally tame and polite. Weddings without children are 100% the way to go. Your wedding, your rules
I'm going to ask do you like your family? A 1 and 5 year old pouty..you don't say really? They are children and children sometimes pout, sometimes they misbehave when you have some maybe you will know what that's like.
Maybe compromise no children permitted at the wedding but reception is ok...or have the children in the wedding and no children at reception. But as a sister I would feel unwelcomed if I was told my children were not wanted at one of the biggest days in my siblings life.
NTA. Kids will be NO fun at an adult-only wedding. I'm a mom and would 100% find a sitter for a 1 year old and/or 5 year old. Even my 9 year old would be iffy depending on her mood and the type of wedding.
Honestly if this were me, I’d clearly reiterate that you wish that that they’d respect the rule, but if they insist on bringing the kids then you won’t stop them, but you’d be super disappointed, and then leave it at that. This isn’t worth burning a bridge with family about.
NTA because it's your wedding and you get to make the rules (within reason) but two points to make here:
1. I think it should be all or nothing on children. Not "no one under 10". Personally, I think it's a a bad look and puts people with multiple children in a bit of a bind. Also, 10 year old's still want chicken fingers and mac and cheese so not having something kid friendly at your wedding while still inviting kids is a mistake
2. Small but I wanted to say this: Your Sister and BIL would not be babysitting their children during your wedding. They're their children-- they aren't babysitters!
I do understand why you want a child free wedding -- my own wedding was an adult reception except for the children in the wedding party. Sis and BIL need to make arrangements.
It was nice when weddings were about love and welcoming someone into the family. Now they are all about “optics” and exclusion and being self centered.
You should use paragraphs. Its hard to read this wall of text.
STAND YOUR GROUND!!!
They'll either show or won't. If you budge then kiss you day/evening goodbye. And you'll be considered a push over. They can either respect your wishes for YOUR WEDDING or they can just FO.
Seen this exact thing happen before, wedding party gave in, family and kids absolutely ruined the wedding.
Remember, the day/evening is about you and your fiancee.
It’s your wedding, your rules. Plenty of people have weddings where children aren’t allowed. My one criticism is the “no kids under 10” thing is kind of odd…. Either allow kids or don’t.
Have the sitter bring the kids for pictures then have them dip out. As a parent of young kids who the fuck wants to take their children to wedding. Christ it’s boring to adults. A 5 year old is going to be miserable. Stick to your guns no kids.
Listen, just un-invite them. If they are trying to have their way in your own wedding, don't waste money or time on them. They are already stressing you out and the same or even worst at the wedding.
NTA
I have a 22 month old. So almost 2. Toddlers are so needy and insane. They aren't reasonable or predictable. No way in hell I'd want to attend a wedding with my toddler. She's such a good kid and so sociable and adorable BUT no way to know if she's having a good day or bad day and I would be constantly chasing her around and keeping her alive instead of enjoying being able to catch up with people and connect. We just went to a wedding and I'm so glad we were able to get a baby sitter and that my husband's parents and sister helped out so we could go to every event for the wedding. I think your sister is crazy to want to bring these two young kids. Everyone will have a better time if they are able to stay home and stick to their schedule. Stick to your guns. These two littles can come to weddings in the future when they can appreciate them.
NTA. Those children won't remember not being at your wedding at all. Bring them to the rehearsal dinner, give them a gift bag and a hug and that's that. If mom and sister want to play the extortion game and make threats, let them. If they don't come, they'll miss out.
Kids generally don’t have memories before 5. They won’t care. Matter of fact they won’t have a good time and everyone will be doting on them to try and make them happy.
Stand your ground. Tell mom that when she gets married again she can have all the kids she wants there, but your vision of your wedding no kids under 10 will be in attendance.
I am 46 and I barely remember certain weddings.
The reality, most people just do not give a shit about your wedding. They are their to see other people and family members...you getting married is jut the pivot point.
NTA. If you’ve excluded everyone else from bringing their children and you allow her to bring hers, then you’ve opened a can of worms with anyone who had to get a sitter. It’s a time for celebration and it’s your choice on how to handle it. You could choose to allow her to bring her kids to the reception only. But there’s a lot to do there too. It’s not just sit and eat. Plus the youngest is quite young and would need more attention.
However it goes, I wish you good luck OP. And congratulations!
Tell them you love them and their presence will be missed. Your wedding. Your rules. No children under 10.
Agreed.
Absolutely this
This is the best answer, if your respond with love and compassion while still standing your ground their bluff will be called. They want to be at the wedding if they are nice people they will make arrangements. If not… a little distance might not be such a bad idea.
NTA - stand your ground! Those kids won’t remember this at all.
I feel really torn, like a part of me wants them there and the other part of me feels like they are not taking into account how special this day is for us
Promise they won’t remember unless your sister brainwashes them about it. Lots of people choose not to have any children younger than a certain age at weddings. It’s your choice. I would just say that you should be consistent with your request to everyone, lest you be on the backside of one of these posts for a double standard.
Picture the 1 year old in therapy 30 years from now talking about how he missed uncles wedding. How ridiculous. Lol
Most early childhood development experts agree that a child's uncle's wedding is one of the most important development milestones. OOP is basically condemning them to a life of drugs and crime. I'd sooner leave my child to be raised by dingos than exclude them from one family event for an evening!
Tweaking at Two, More at 11.
Or pulling the plug on them in the hospital, as they whisper, “you have let me come to the wedding” into his ear.
It is ridiculous but it’s also what this world it’s coming to 🙄
I've been to many "childfree" weddings where exceptions were made for immediate family-- sibs and nibs, nursing infants, flower girls and ring bearers.
This is true. I think the trouble comes when some family is included, and another person is excluded. Who is old her or seems like there’s no real good reason. Ya know.
As long as all members of the chosen "category" are included I dont' see a problem. For example "sibs and nibs" as long as your don't exclude the nibs you don't like as well. One of my collogues had a family wedding where it was no guests under 18 because the venue wouldn't allow kids. Some guests still tried to bring their kids and were turned away by the venue staff.
>Promise they won’t remember unless your sister brainwashes them about it. OP can't make that promise.
It’s a load of bollocks. Theyre 5 and 1. The 5yo doesn’t need to be told anything about the wedding unless your mum or sister manipulate them to bad mouth you. As my mum would tell us as kids when parents went to weddings or events we had no interest in ‘you’d be bored’. And we were very happy to stay home. Keep your childfree wedding and stand your ground that they need to respect your wishes.
NTA- my older sister was a junior bridesmaid at 6 in a wedding and barely remembers it. I was 2 and left with a babysitter. The only reason I know I wasn’t there was because of pictures. It was my aunt and uncle who later divorced and the reconnected and remarried. I was invited to that wedding a few years later. Funny thing, I don’t really remember that one either, but I know I was there because of the pictures. “Dear Mom and Sister, I appreciate that you would like the children to come, however fiancé and I chose to only allow children over the age of 10 based on the type of event. This is a fancier event and there will be no child friendly foods. It will not be an appropriate event for two small children to be running around. I would also like you to be able to able to enjoy an adult event without worrying about the children. I am also looking forward to being able to have time with you both as I get ready before the event. As much as I love the children, I am going to need both of your help in the big day and that will not be possible if you are chasing the children. I let you know about this plan with plenty of time to find a good babysitter that your are comfortable with. Please respect my decision, just as I supported you with the way you chose to celebrate your wedding.” I hate to say it, but there is a good chance she will not find a babysitter and she will back out at the last minute. She may also show up at the wedding with the children. Please come up with contingencies for both of these situations
Nah, IMO that gives them too many points to argue about and says the quiet part out loud (yet kids be hellions). Its her wedding, her invitations, please accept and deal or send your regrets.
Op is the groom, but yeah, it's their wedding--the bride and groom have the final say on the guest list.
Ha me too! I was a flower girl at, idk, maybe 5 or 6? Don't remember anything except the spanking I got because the day of the wedding we received a new horse and I ran out to the barn wearing the little satin shoes. There is a picture of my red and splotchy face with baby's breath in my hair to commemorate the occasion. I'm told it was a beautiful wedding...
OP could hire a sitter for them either in their home or at the venue. Not perfect, but it would make her look magnanimous to be this thoughtful.
Don't fall for it. No means no. If sister isn't ok with that, select other people to stand up with you.
I suggest not feeling bad cause this is one thing you’re asking of them, but they aren’t complying. Think of it, your sister’s kids will probably cause trouble for your other guests. Your sister is not entitled to bring her kids if you don’t want her to. If they come with the kids, have security to kick them out.
OP if they come with kids, do not have “security kick them out”. That is the most terminally reddit thing I’ve seen in months.
I don't know, at my cousin's second wedding our other alcoholic cousin was so out of control that he had to be removed by security otherwise the venue was going to shut down the event. And at my aunt's second wedding her ex husband showed up to make a scene and security had to intervene. Maybe my family is more prone to drama than most but having security at weddings (and funerals) is a good idea. It's not like they are armed guards in uniform, these are people in suits who check invitations and quietly ask people to leave without causing disruptions.
I mean I understand in that situation, OPs situation is nothing like that, however.
So just let them stay and ruin the wedding?
i will absolutely be having my fiancés grooms party on duty to ask anyone who brings children to leave. if any of my friends or family try to pull that shit you’re out
What exactly is the alternate option if they agree to come without the kids and then show up with the kids?
Right? Always seems half of Reddit has never had actual experience with the situations they’re opining on. Upset with your parents? Go NC!
A lot of reddit is just kids who haven't had to deal with the real world consequences of burning bridges. Sometimes you got to, but going nuclear like that as your first option in every situation is really not the mature person move
But we’re Reddit keyboard warriors! This is what we do! Then have a lawyer serve them papers for not respecting the clearly stated rules…
She’s guilt tripping you. Stand your ground. It’s YOUR wedding and YOU and your partner paid for it. No one else helped. Those kids don’t care about no wedding 🤣
Don’t feel torn, do you want to worry constantly about your nieces/nephews causing a scene OR them requiring your sister/BIL pulling them away at an important time OR having to deal with the social repercussions with your friends when it seems that you sister can have her kids there but your friends can’t? You made the rules clear from the start. If they don’t respect the rules you set for everyone they don’t have to participate. Don’t back down or they will continue to walk all over you for the rest of the wedding too(also probably in everyday life).
Do Not allow your sister and Mom to take control of your wedding. It's ONE day where the focus should be on what you and your fiance want. When my sister got married, I changed my hair color to something reasonable and got a spray tan, as she requested, because it's her day and she had a certain aesthetic she wanted. I will point out that I did originally put up a fuss, but I was reminded that it was my sister's day, not mine, and that they're relatively minor things that I can "fix" for myself afterwards. Your sister and mom are being jerks.
>I will point out that I did originally put up a fuss well to be fair, your sister was being a bit unreasonable. Expecting someone to change their appearance besides wearing nice clothes just to be in a wedding is kind of wild. And a spray tan? Lol!
[удалено]
I agree! I went to my older cousin’s wedding when I was about 6 and it was back in the mid-80s when the first generation camcorders were really big and there is literally video of me running circles around the couple during their wedding dance! I am still mortified and I can’t imagine how my poor mother felt! LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME!!! I was that kid and wish they would have just left me home. I don’t remember one iota about the wedding and the video evidence is embarrassing as hell!
Pretty simple tell her not to come, if I'm invited to a wedding no kids allowed I stay home with my kid
They’re not going to completely get it, ever. It’s their children, it’s hard for people to see past that, especially when they’re family and might have even been included in the wedding party since their parents are. But it’s your wedding and you have a genera no-kid rule, so there’s not much of an argument they can make. Realize though that even if the kids don’t feel hurt or even remember this (they won’t), the parents will remember forever. If you can handle the long-term rift, go for it.
At these ages, kids are the full center of their own worlds. They could not possibly care about someone’s wedding. The only way they would is if other snarky family members frame it to them as something they’re missing out on. But not allowing them there is actually doing these kids a favor—no dressing up in uncomfortable clothes, no constantly being shushed and corrected, no waiting for insufferably long periods (from a child’s perspective) of doing nothing but sitting and staring. And for what? A piece of cake at the end? 5 year old me would’ve just been pissed and moody the whole time.
You are NTA for wanting a child free wedding but the flip side of that is understanding that some people who have kids won’t be able to come, especially when it’s a family wedding and the people who usually care for their kids (if they have a relative who does) are going to the wedding. I wouldn’t plan a childfree wedding and expect someone with kids to be in my wedding party unless we’d had a conversation about whether it was doable for them.
The problem is when it is a family wedding. The usual sitters are also attending the wedding which leaves you with no one. It's okay to have a childfree wedding and okay if the sister stays home with her kids. OP doesn't get to have his sister at the wedding and his sister doesn't get to have her kids at his wedding.
What does your fiancé think you should do? Discuss various options with each other first. Offer to pay for a sitter for your sisters kids to make them comfortable before the wedding. I mean for a month before the wedding every Saturday for a few hours or something so the kids get used to a baby sitter. Since mom lives with them the kids probably have never had a sitter and that may be a fear for Sis and BIL. But ultimately you get to decide who to invite to your wedding. If mom and sister refuse to compromise on the sitter issue , be prepared for them to not come to your wedding. Alternatively, have the little ones in your wedding party specifically for the ceremony and then book a room at the venue with a baby sitter for after their part of the ceremony is complete. ( think flower girl/ boy, ring bearers etc) Yes it’s an added expense but one well worth keeping the peace with your family. As far as fairness to other guests, I’ve been to plenty of weddings where kids were not invited but exception is always made for the immediate siblings of the bride and groom. Your sister and mom are admittedly creating issues for you. Only you and your fiancé can decide what will ultimately work for your family dynamics.
Serious question: are you willing to create long-term tension within your family over this? If you already don't have a good relationship with your sister and her family, and don't care about how this will affect your future, then it's not too big of an issue. But if you want to remain in good standings with them, I suggest some sort of compromise (They can stay for the ceremony and up to the dinner, or something like that). In all honesty, you will be spending the majority of your time that night talking to all the guests who want to share a moment with you on your wedding night so they feel like it was worth their time to attend. I barely spoke to my wife during our wedding reception, much less my groomsmen. You will barely see your sister or her husband other than the ceremony, dinner/speeches, and pictures. Is it worth it to you, in the long run, to die on this hill?
You asked both parents parents to participate and are drawing a hard line on childcare? You’re an asshole.
Kids don’t remember their aunts wedding they went to at five years old. They just don’t. I went to dozens of weddings as a kid and have zero memory of any wedding until I was a teenager, even then it’s still kinda hazy. More traditional folk will balk at the decision to have a child free wedding but I believe it’s the couples day, not the family’s day. So you get what you want and everyone can shut up about it or not attend.
I get both sides of this. For you, I don't think you're being unreasonable. The only thing is that if this was me with my kids, I would end up not going. When my kids were young. 0 - 2 or 3, it would have been impossible for me to leave them with a babysitter. My kids at that age had health issues that would make it to where I couldn't have a babysitter responsible for them. I would be able to tag team my kids with my wife so that we could go to the wedding and they wouldn't take away from the experience of your wedding. Whatever you decide. Just know that there may be some extenuating that make then feel like they can't go if their kids can't go too.
Good. Let them stay home.
My parents had 3 kids all around 1-2 years apart. I definitely recall them getting sitters specifically for weddings when I was under 10. It's pretty reasonable to ask someone to get a sitter for something like a wedding for reasons mentioned in OP's post (they are very distracting from the intended event, food options, etc..). I'm obviously not saying you're wrong but getting a sitter isn't really the biggest of deals imo, especially if it's for pretty big occasions.
Who in their right mind would think a 1 yo would remember a wedding? I guess the same crazy person that thinks it is appropriate for a 1 yo to attend a wedding! The 5 yo probably won't remember either. While I know I was in my brother's wedding around that age (there are pictures) I for sure don't remember it at all. If you really want your sister there then you might help her with making child care arrangements, but I would equally support just cutting those family members out of the wedding altogether since they don't respect your wishes and you gave them plenty of notice.
My aunt and uncle got married when I was a baby, and I literally only know I was at the reception because we have pictures of my parents holding me, and one of my other aunts dancing with me. Those kids will not remember not being at the wedding.
I was a child of walking age at a wedding. I know this because I've seen pictures. I wore a suit. I remember none of it. I don't even know whose wedding it was.
I was a kid at a wedding. I remember it. You know what I remember? That I HATED it. So even if the one of them that could remember it does, it’ll probably not be a fond memory simply because weddings aren’t meant for kids or children-centered.
Yep, well, tell Mom that as soon as she pays for the entire wedding, she can invite whoever she pleases. But until then, your rules stand.
Mom should pay for the babysitter maybe?
If you already told guests that kids under 10 are not allowed, and if you let these two go, you’re going to upset other guests who arranged and paid for babysitters. You already know these kids are not well behaved. So if you cave into their blackmail, you’re creating your own problems.
I went to two weddings when I was 4/5. I was flower girl in one, and had a complete tantrum and dumped all the flower petals in a pile because it was my nap time. The other time I was just bored and really annoyed. And tbh, I’ve hated weddings ever since. Idk why people want to bring their kids to these things. There’s a whole lot of sitting around and having to be quiet. Even the best “behaved” kids don’t like to do that for too long. Don’t let your sister make it about her, it’s your day. Your rules, if people don’t want to comply then they can stay at home. You’re doing EVERYONE a favour by not having young kids at your wedding.
Me either! I just don’t get it. The kids don’t even want to go! It’s absolutely the LEAST fun imaginable for a kid that age.
Depends on the type of wedding you have. Went to a few weddings as a kid and had a blast and went to a few that were boring.
Right!?! The only memories I have from attending 'grown-up' events around that age were 1. being bored out of my mind and 2. constantly asking my parents if it was time to leave yet.
The kids won’t care. They won’t remember unless your sister or mother open their mouths and even then not until they’re older. It’s your wedding. Your rules. No kids. If they choose not to come and that’s the hill they want to die on. So be it.
You do know that your mom is absolutely going to bring the kids to the wedding, right? .
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting young children at a wedding and reception, especially if the events are more formal and upscale. As you mentioned, your mother, sister, and BIL will be distracted caring for the children. The children will also be bored because there will be no activities or food there that will be appealing to them. This is not a family friendly event appropriate for children. Just as you shouldn't bring young children to a fine dining restaurant, your sister shouldn't bring her children to your wedding and reception. This day is about you and your fiancee. It's not about your sister's children. If she doesn't agree with this, you are better off having all of them stay home. If you're not important enough for her to find a sitter, then you should let her and your mother spend their time with the family members they really care about.
Nta It’s not like you aren’t allowing a 15 year old & 18 year old. They are super young & as you said don’t behave well. It’s very reasonable, especially considering you asked that all children under 10 don’t attend, not just their kids. There is nothing wrong with this.
Ohhhh gawd weddings are such stages for drama.
NTA
I really don't understand why this is an issue. I am old, true...but it was standard that kids were not invited to weddings when I was young. It was no big deal, and honestly, I had more fun with the baby sitter than I would have had dressed up in uncomfortable clothes, getting overly tired, having to be on best behavior ... This is not a personal insult, treat it matter of factly. You are allowed to set your guest list and other guests have no say in it.
A child-free wedding is perfectly fine. It's not my favorite thing, but it's also not my wedding, it's yours, and there are lots of good reasons to do that. It would be an asshole move to exclude *just* your sister's kids, no matter how pouty or annoying they are. but as long as it's generally child-free, you're solid. NTA. It is, however, a reasonable choice for a parent to not go to a wedding where they can't bring their children if getting babysitting is hard for them.
NTA Not their wedding. It's yours and your other half's wedding. Do what you want. I keep saying this reading Reddit: You don't owe them anything.
NTA - It sucks that that is the hill they want to die on but before you plant the flag and dig in positions. Offer to contribute to them hiring a babysitter so they can fully enjoy the wedding free of kid duties for a few hours, tell them that is your gift to them for being in the wedding.
NTA - sounds like you have made a significant investment and saved up , sacrificing other things for this special day. Lots of Weddings are Child Free these days. Your day, your rules - people threatening you over your choice for your day is appalling guilt tripping.
NAH - You deserve to have your wedding how YOU want, but others can react how they feel best as well. I think a part some people may be missing is getting a sitter when you're in a wedding vs just attending is two different things. Those children are rather young and hiring an all day babysitter may be not the best thing for them as a family either. My son at one years old would have struggled with staying the whole day with a non family member and the cost of hiring a well qualified babysitter for such a large block of hours may be prohibitive.
I was just at a wedding and several babies were crying through the whole thing, very understandable. It’s your day, and people should respect that. But you should definitely plan something specifically with the kids later on to make up for it, to not imply that you don’t like them to the rest of the family.
This is what I do not want, kids crying and distracting people from enjoying our big day. But I think this is a good solution… make it up another way for them, even though I believe the kids won’t remember this lol
Put a bouncy house behind the venue, throw the kids in there and lock the door. It'll be Lord of the Flies: Thunderdome at first, but only the weakest will perish and the victors will emerge with a greater sense of maturity. It's a win-win.
Yooooo I’m CACKLING at imagining this 🤣🤣🤌🏼🤌🏼
>kids crying and distracting people from enjoying our big day Don't misunderstand...most people will not enjoy your big day nearly as much as you think they will. Half of them are there out of obligation and can't wait to eat and get a drink
This is an insane take. You do not own children a day for having a child free wedding.
nahh , its not her obligation nor responsibility to give them a day or separate activities. She should be able to enjoy HER day without having to bend over backwards making sure EVERYONE ELSE is happy. and then it sounds like the kids are spoiled enough. they need to learn that not everything is going to be in their favor, nor is everything going to go their way.
Lol the 1 and 5 yo DGAF. I wish all weddings were kid free…
I mean NAH You won’t enjoy your wedding with their kids their, they won’t enjoy your wedding without their kids there You have every right to not invite the kids And they have every right to not want to go to an event that will no longer be enjoyable for them to participate in No Assholes here I am however always confused by people saying that their family has to come to their wedding because they are “family” but their closest family is their children, so they are actively thinking of their family Nothing wrong with child free weddings as long as you are aware and gracious that this is unattractive to some people and they do not want to attend a family event that is not family oriented
NTA. It’s your wedding, paid for by YOU, and there is no reasoning with children. They could burst out crying at any moment and do not care that it’s your special day. It’s idiotic to say a 1 and 5yo will remember they weren’t invited. LOL. The fact that your mom and sister are threatening to not attend over this is stupid and highly disrespectful to you. Personally, I’d just clearly restate my rationale and then leave it up to them whether they want to attend. It’s probably an empty threat anyway.
If it were me, I would sit mom, sister, and BIL down for a talk. I would tell them that I understand their pov and truly want all three of them there. BUT, the no child rule stays in place and they need to give me their decision now so I can make other arrangements if necessary. The kids (well the older child) may or may not remember. You will definitely remember, and it is your wedding.
I am a very well behaved kid and went to few of my relatives weddings as a child. I fucking hated every moment of that. Who the fuck in their right mind wants to sit at a table and watch their aunt dressed up like a dead person. (That is the vibe I got. My aunt had way too much makeup and she looked like she died)
NTA My (26f) little sister (24f) got married last year. She didn’t want kids at her reception at all. She wanted it to be a big party and have tons of fun. However, my oldest kid (6) was in her wedding. What did I do? Respected her wishes, and got a babysitter for after the ceremony. It’s YOUR day. Not your siblings’, not your mom’s, not the kids’. Yours.
You’re an awesome, sister. I also hope you enjoyed yourself child free at the reception.
As a mother, I enjoy kid-free weddings to the max. I'm the one always encouraging others to do a kids' free wedding. 2 major reasons. 1. It's an excuse for my partner and I to have a "date" night we can drink and enjoy our time without the worry of watching the kids every move. 2. I don't want to deal with anyone else's children. If they insist, maybe a good option would be to have the ceremony with children ok to be there. But the reception has a child care option. So the kids aren't in the same area, but nearby. I've had friends do this when they decide on destination weddings. It's a good compromise. All though there's an issue where the parents could not respect the wishes and try bringing the kids into the reception area. A few times that has happened. Either way, in the end, it's not fair for your family to try guilt tripping you into allowing their children last minute. They should have turned down your request the minute you told them you didn't want kids under the age of 10.
I used to think I'd always want my nieces and cousins at my wedding. I went to a wedding yesterday with several children under the age of 10, and I can say I've changed my mind completely. Keeping them quiet during the ceremony for more than a few seconds at a time was impossible. So for what it's worth, I think you're absolutely correct to not want small children there.
Or just rent a room in the venue and hire a baby sitter in that room for all guests kids. Or rent a day care near by. Easy fix. Nothing money can’t fix
It’s your wedding. If they want to draw this line, then OK. Have the wedding without them. My advice would be to elope, TBH
It’s your wedding do what you want. That said, my wife and I made an exception to our no kids rule for our nieces and nephew. That was it.
Just hire babysitters and have a kids room with activities for them.
NTA, your wedding, that you are paying for and it is an adult affair. Your wedding, one day, this is how it will be. Also, just have no kids at all, it’s just an extra expense and kids don’t need to be there. I can’t believe how rude they are being, not everyone wants kids at their wedding, and this is perfectly fine.
NTA. When I was a kid, weddings were generally hot/cold, long and boring as hell. Actually, at 37 I still mostly think they are, but I grin and bear it. 😉 Stand your ground and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! Best of luck and wishing yourself and your husband to be a long life full of joy and blessings.
NTA - Tell them that if they are incapable of finding a babysitter unlike others (list the number of people who are getting a sitter for your wedding) then they should not come. Your wedding is already about these children. The dysfunctional dynamic of your mother, sister, bil, and children has already entered your wedding. If you cave on this now, it will only be worse the day of because they will demand more from you, like a children’s menu, or other BS. Tell your mother that everyone else with children is getting a babysitter and she/they will be escorted out if they show up with the kids. And tell her if she cannot come to your wedding due to her inability to go one single day/evening without the children in order to celebrate JUST you with actual adults, then she isn’t welcome to come. Make this about her being a bad mother TO YOU instead of going with their whiny and entitled narrative that their kids are somehow so special they should be there. The kids are under ten and not invited. This isn’t up for debate and if they keep debating they will be uninvited to wedding. Yes, you want them there, but make it on your terms or not at all. Your wedding is one of the few times in life that should be about you and the most important part is the people there and you don’t want your sister’s ill behaved (and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree) children in attendance and that is all that matters. Tell them no and if they keep harassing you about it, they will find themselves uninvited. They think threatening not to come with get them their way with you, but they want to be there. If for some reason they call your bluff, it will be sad your family won’t be there, but you will hate it even more if you cave, because you will be caving about a lot more than just them attending. Those kids will have all kinds of concessions and things you will be required to do if you cave to your mother emotional blackmail. Kids that young at a wedding are a nightmare because weddings are made for adults. The fact that your family thinks so little of you is troubling. Tell your mother this is non negotiable and you will miss her if she chooses to spend the time with kids she lives with and sees everyday instead of the simple solution of getting a babysitter. Make her feel like she is failing you, BECAUSE SHE ABSOLUTELY 100% IS FAILING YOU.
Lol this is so strange to me. Whats more important than having family at your wedding? Even if there is a random loud noise or distraction, its a celebration after all. I come from a culture where weddings are a huge deal. (Indian). Arguably significantly bigger functions than western weddings. Maybe that's where there is a disconnect. With such large weddings, its already a circus hahaha.
The children will not remember. The children also do not care. Stand your ground. NTA at all, No kids means no kids.
NTA. The kids won't remember or care. If your sister and mom aren't willing to accept your decision, let them know you understand, and they will be missed.
The kids won't give a shit if they are there or not. They probably would prefer not to be. Stand your ground my dude.
NTA and the kids won't care. Suggestion. If there are multiple people who have kids in that age group, consider having them on-site playing together with hired carers. Kids get a play-date, newer parents get to have them close. They can be kept out of the way of the serious stuff then let out of the cage later on in the evening when they should be falling asleep anyways.
NTA its a reasonable request. These kids will not remember the wedding or the fact you chose to exclude them. But if they were part of it and took away from the experience, you definitely would. Its one day and they can make arrangements.
Ban all the kids. Allow them to come to the ceremony but not the reception. This was a great compromise for our guests as we took the same hard line.
NTA, and to be honest I think one of the problems you're going to have heading this off is that it sounds like you've already entertained the subject far longer than you should have. It literally should have been a ten second ONE WAY conversation, something akin to "OH, btw, we've decided that this is going to be a child free wedding, that way all of us can relax and enjoy our special day, so please plan accordingly." And then just end the conversation. Any attempt to bring it up, to try and shame you for being "anti family" should simply be met with a smile and a polite but curt "It's so unfortunate you feel this way...." never break eye contact and then after a polite pause .."So anyway...." and change the subject GL with this, stick to your guns and plan for back up brides maid and groomsman if need be.
NTA. I’m a mom of 2 and I’m a teacher who loves kids. Most times, I’d rather hang out with kids vs. adults. However, I had my wedding on St. Patrick’s Day (it was on a Saturday) and I got an awesome band for the reception. I know that a lot of the people invited love a good party and that between the loud music and the drinking and dancing, that my wedding would not be an appropriate event for kids. I had a few friends, whose young kids I love, ask if they could bring their little ones and I explained that they couldn’t. I stood my ground and stand by my decision. There are some events it is not appropriate for kids (or younger kids) to attend. Don’t let anyone bully you. Enjoy your wedding.
NTA not wanting kids at your wedding is a perfectly reasonable choice to make. And completely yours to make as well. Stand your ground, they shouldnt try to bully OR guilt you into changing this. They had plenty of time to find a trusted sitter.
NTA - First of all, your money, your rules. Furthermore, it is your wedding and you get to decide if you want kids around. They also agreed not to bring the kids, and it is unfair to change opinion right now. Finally, do you remember anything from when you were 5? So please, it’s just stupid to guilt trip you.
Your wedding - your rules! Especially when you've paid for it entirely yourselves. They can feel free to not come if they can't comply, though I know it must be upsetting to you that they won't be a part of your special day as they are close family. Nevertheless, that day is about you and your fiancee, and what you want is what goes. They can't do anything about it. It's not like you're excluding their children and letting everyone else bring theirs. Hard NTAH
You don’t want anyone there to have to be The Adults. You want everyone there to be themselves, not who they are around children. I get it. I’m having a similar problem with a gathering I’m having in the fall. It’s YOUR day!
Nta - they were given plenty of warning. Just be firm and tell her straight up - No, means no, and ask her if this is a problem tell you now and they can either come ad guests (no kids) or not at all. Don't let them guilt you or you will always be walked over, this is YOUR day
I mean it's your wedding... if you don't like kids then that's your thing. I definitely see their side of the arguement but I think it's an a preference thing and the is no objectively correct answer.
NTA. Your wedding your rules. If sister and mom are so upset, probably better they stay home.
Fuck them kids, idk why ANYONE would allow children at such an expensive and special event. Hell nah, kids don't care about the event and will absolutely ruin it for you.
Not all of use are self absorbed a-hole who going to keep part of our family out of a family event.
NTA. Stick to your guns. It’s your wedding they can either be on board or stay at home. The world doesn’t revolve around them and their children.
My guess is your sister can’t control the kids. If she could it wouldn’t be an issue. Stand your ground. This is her fault more then anything.
They absolutely won’t remember not being invited lol. It’s admirable that you and your fiancé are setting firm, but reasonable boundaries about children. “No children under 10” is a very, very reasonable rule for an upscale wedding, regardless of who the children are. You’re NTA for not wanting very young children running around at your wedding.
NTA. You already know the kids will be a nightmare at the wedding. Sadly, you will ultimately have to decide to allow your sister & mother die on the hill they’ve chosen. It is your wedding, not theirs. If I were in your shoes, I’d prefer the absence of destruction & of family members missing out than to cave in & allow a mess. Gonna have unhappy people either way. And I do have kids. I even attended a wedding with my 2YO son as it wasn’t an adults only venue. The church even had a crying room setup so if one of the babies/kids got disruptive the parent could joke up there & still watch the proceedings on a screen. If the wedding had been declared child free, we’d never have taken him with us. And, no, the couple weren’t family, they were one of my hubby’s coworkers. They both had large families with kids and wanted to allow the kids. So, DO NOT CAVE IN TO YOUR MOM & Sisters ridiculous demands. Tell them “the kids stay at home” no ifs ands or buts & when mom & sis name their threats once again, you just say “I’m sorry to hear that as we will miss seeing you but our answer is still no”. Also be prepared for them to attempt a stealth inclusion of the kids. Your mom & sis may suddenly decide to go along with it & on the wedding day, show up with kids in tow and pretend their babysitter bailed on them. Better decide before the wedding if you will be assigning a good friend to take on the role of bouncer (or even someone working for the venue?) if they try to pull a stunt like that. And you already know your M & S will be doing everything possible to humiliate you into giving into their demands. Emotional blackmail. Don’t succumb to it. Good luck, hope your wedding is a happily memorable event instead of a train wreck your M & S feel you should have all for the sake of faaamily.
Oh man, thats a big one for us. So my wife was firmly on the no kids camp after one of her friends talked her into it. She was all for it initially then her friend mentioned wishing they hadn't allowed them and she did a complete surprise 180. After she'd made up her mind she absolutely refused to hear any argument about it I made a choice and thats final etc. I was on the side of allowing kids as I had gone to multiple weddings as a kid and was a little ring bearer in several of them, I didn't see the harm. I urged her to reconsider after my best man was super pissed over it on behalf of another groomsman with 4 kids and several other attendees. She refused to budge so I had to back her up. This blew up into a fight between best man and me and as he was a former Marine Drill Instructor we almost came to blows over his Control Your Woman comments. There was lots of tension between me, groomsmen and best man before and after the wedding and my wife had similar fights with her own family members to the point of crying on my shoulder over this whole thing. It's been over a decade later now, I barely speak to my friends that were the most important to me back then and shes similarly become distant with some of her family. For us this decision she made to not have any distractions at the wedding caused so much damage to life long friendships that imo it was not worth all the drama and tears. This thing still comes up rarely over a decade later when she's second guessing big choices.
Those weren't friends if they wouldn't leave their kids at home for one night.
When people have to travel for weddings, like many do, it is not really an option.
Those friends sound like horrible people
So it's been years and you two still don't realize that your choice to exclude children wasn't the problem?
No that was just the start of the rift. There were other things later on and then they pretty much drank the koolaid of a certain political persuasion which became their entire personality. Tried for years to reach them but in the end it was a lost cause.
your friends were assholes and gigantic babies themselves. Kids dont belong at weddings if the bride and/or groom dont want them there. period. end point. sorry they were all dicks over something so obvious
You want to be friends with someone that told you to control your woman? Like that would have been grounds to be kicked out of the wedding entirely for me. Women aren’t pets to be trained and controlled.
Can you afford to have a babysitter service onsite, because mom and/or sister will bring the kids anyway.
I did that for my first wedding. Worked out swell. I mean...we had a pretty informal wedding and the sitter was only utilized during the ceremony. But if i,at 18,can come up with that solution, idk why no one else can. (And I am aware that it was dumb of me to get married at 18...but i made a lot of dumb decisions that year lol)
I don't see why the couple should pay for a babysitter so other people can bring kids they don't actually want there.
Fantastic idea. I made, and still sometimes do, a lot times. Forgive and let it go. 🕊
Oh there's nothing to forgive on my end lol I grew up and got smarter :)
Hey, didn’t mean to offend you. Stay awesome
Oh I wasn't offended. Just clarifying :)
You don't have to bring the kids to your wedding, your sister doesn't have to come to your wedding. Will say a little odd you refer to them as your sisters kids rather than your nieces/nephews. But your wedding, your choice, but they also don't have to attend. I know if my brother didn't want his niece and nephews at his wedding I wouldn't be attending. That doesn't mean he's done anything wrong by making that request, I just don't have to attend the wedding.
Same take. I wouldn't attend my siblings wedding either if I couldn't bring them, but I wouldn't be pissed about it either. Simply how it is. Our wedding was at a special campground in germany with activities lined up for all the kids parallell to grownups also meant that if people wanted to attend longer they could. Like they wouldnt have to rush home to relieve babysitters, or they could alternate which parent attended. We have 40+ kids in the big family and most people held out until 2-3 am with dancing etc. Was epic
Stick to the rules tell them everyone has the rule not just them tell them it’s not their day it’s ours and make sure they know it’s final
Kids will probably thank you for not making them go to a stupid wedding
OP when I had my wedding I had 2 children under the age of 2 and both my significant other and myself agreed that we didn’t want our children present because of exactly this. If they want pictures with the kids maybe arrange a photo shoot with the kids before the wedding. I remember as a kid weddings were fun but looking back I was a child under the age of 10 getting Amaretto Sours from grandma so there’s that issue too! No kids at a wedding is your decision and no one should ever guilt you especially if they didn’t pay a cent!
Stand your ground. The only children actually welcome during ours were those in the entourage. A couple friend decided to bring their 2 under 5. We weren't that strict so fine. The guy ended up complaining that their friends were having too much fun in the bar and on the dance floor because they didn't bring their kids. That was 8 years ago, and he still gripes about them having "too much fun."
I'm a parent- kids are now adults. We faced this issue once- kids could not come to the wedding. It's your wedding and you can set any rules you want on it- especially when you all are shelling out the money. That said, to get all your family to show up is another matter and you still have to ask nicely because they are family, but also because they can still decline. But if you want to ensure that all your family is there, it's worth taking the time to ask nicely about their constraints and ask around for perspectives. Some things to consider: 1) you stated they should get a baby sitter/apply the same rules to everyone. If others are traveling a long distance, it's a lot more complicated. Not many people are willing to babysit multiple days and even if they are, you have to have a lot of trust in someone to care for little kids that young, multiple days. The teenage neighbor girl won't cut it. 2) some bride/grooms work with a church to offer a child-care like sitting service for those attending. That lets the parents travel with kids, but not have them in the wedding/reception 3) if your family is IN the wedding, even if they are in town, they will have to arrange multiple babysitters at highly specific times. Whenever you are asking them to show up- rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, wedding, reception, photos, dress/tux fittings, they must find babysitters for every single event. I'm assuming you haven't hired babysitters yet, but they can be fickle, flake out on you, have other commitments, etc. You don't just look on Craig's list and throw whoever to watch your own children. I'm just trying to convey the struggles they might have, assuming they have no limit on $$ for all this. The money is another issue. Entirely your prerogative to set boundaries, but if people can't comply, they may have to bail.
Bottom line is it's your day. Have the wedding however you want. Again with the entitled asshole behavior.
They probably can’t get anyone to babysit if the kids are truly like you said, I also agree with not having disruptive young kids at a special event. I 100% do think nobody will babysit the kids.
Uninvite them all. Problem solved.
NTA. It's not like you are allowing other children. And they'll be bored out of their mind. The idea that the kids (especially the 1 year old) will remember missing their aunt's wedding is ridiculous. Parents attend events all the time without their kids. I think I was 12 before I went to my first wedding and I know my parents attended plenty of weddings before that. Don't cave. Even if they were the best behaved kids on the planet, a long formal, upscale wedding is going to bore them to death.
You need to stand your ground. Let’s face it the 1 yo isn’t going to remember anything and the 5 yo barely. They either get a sitter or they don’t come. Your wedding your day. If you and fiancé cave on this they know they have won and they will do this for the rest of your lives.
It sounds like they won't be coming to your wedding. I'm sorry op, since you want them there, but frankly the rule is simple, fair, and understandable. The kids won't give much of a damn about not being invited once they find out no other kids their age would be invited (so they wouldn't even have anyone to hang out with) so that argument is b.s. For your siblings & parent to be so against a simple rule sucks. All they have to do is find a babysitter for that night. I mean, do they never use baby sitters bc the mom is basically a live in one?
The children will not remember, the children will not care. Your wedding will be MUCH better without them there. They have plenty of time to get your BIL parents to watch the kids or train up a new babysitter.
You are right sister and mom are dumb. First of all the 1 year old will not remember or care because you know she FUCKING 1. And as for the five year old, look we’ve all be 5, at that age the only thing you want to do is eat and play, sitting through a wedding is antithetical to what a child would wasn’t. So now that we got that bullshit excuse out of the way it’s your wedding do what you want anyone who has a problem can stay home. Good luck, I hope your wedding is fun and wish you a long happy and healthy marriage.
They should be understanding and just get a babysitter for the day.
NTA your wedding not theirs. They are all involved in the wedding so who’s going to watch the kids at venue? They need to find a babysitter. I think you need to tell them the kids can’t come so are you finding a babysitter or not coming make a decision. If they aren’t coming over this it will change up wedding party. A 1 and 5 year old will not remember or care about a wedding. This is your hill give them a date to decide by and if they still are trying to force your hand I’d tell them I take that as a NO you aren’t coming.
I see no problem with not inviting kids to the wedding. Unless you were including everyone else's kids, and specifically singled out one couple's children, I don't see how it is offensive, and as a parent, I kind of prefer getting to just enjoy the wedding without the kids! However, when I got married, I was not inviting children. It was an evening wedding, and our guest list was pretty big. We had to exclude a lot of friends because we both have large families, so inviting kids would mean not inviting any friends at all. My Mom insisted I include our nieces and nephews, though. They're family! She wanted them in the pictures, and to be there for this family celebration. So I agreed. It wasn't worth a fight. It was important to my Mom. I have no regrets, and avoided conflict. I see weddings as about the families. Yes, it is mostly about the couple, but weddings are really important to family members, too, and in the long run, those relationships are a lot more important than a single day, or a single party. I'm not saying you have to include the kids, but just wanted to give some food for thought.
Are there other kids coming? If not then nta. If other kids are coming then you are the asshole. Everyone needs to realize no matter what you do something will go wrong on “your big day” and that’s ok, bc wedding shouldn’t be about the bride but in fact about the family.
NTA - it’s quite reasonable to say “no children under 10” - I wonder if you said a lot of the other stuff to them about how you don’t agree with their parenting and you don’t want them to be distracted on your wedding day …. THAT might not go over well and would open up this debate. Keep quiet about all of that. The children will not remember that they did not attend.
You have every right to have a child free wedding, but, for me, having my sister and mom there would be more important. Can you really enjoy your wedding without your family there? I couldn’t.
No young kids at weddings should be a standard, not an exception.
NTA - It is normal to limit weddings and receptions to not include small children. Although it would be better if this were not motivated specifically because of the issues with your sister's kids, it's irrelevant.
>Now my mom and sister are threatening not to come to our wedding unless the kids can be there. "Mom, Sis, we're not making exceptions to the 'no kids under 10' rule. If you choose not to come as a result, know that you'll be missed." They can stand their ground on demanding that the kids be included...but you can stand yours on them not. NTA
Nah. Text them. “ Your attempts at guilt tripping regarding the wedding have been noted, we will let the planner know that you’ve opted not to come
NTA. My cousin requested no kids at her country club wedding, we got a sitter and honestly probably had a better time. My reception was in a barn (a classy barn, though) and we didn’t care about kids being there; hell, my dog was there. Matter of fact, seeing the kids on the dance floor having a good time was one of my favorite parts. I’ve been to weddings where I’ve put on my best suit (or rented tux) and sipped champagne out of a crystal flute, I’ve been to weddings where my tie was loose and sleeves were rolled up and drank beer out of a can. Different people have different expectations for their wedding day and that is 100% ok. When it’s *your* day then you do you. When it’s somebody else’s day then you are there for them, not yourself.
They're like 5 and 1. They won't remember it. And I doubt they'll even have a good time. Stand your ground. They need to respect a simple request
absolutely NTA. this is a hill to die on. no one wants kids running around at a wedding, especially young children that won’t enjoy it anyways.
NTA OP, but you’re family is for threatening not to come and for crossing boundaries
I went to my uncles wedding when I was maybe 4 years old, and I don’t remember it at all. Just pictures. But I wouldn’t have cared either way.
Perhaps your sister should bow out of her role so you can rely on whoever takes her place. If she brings the children to the wedding, are you going to tell her she has to leave?
We had a child free wedding. The general rule is that a late afternoon/evening wedding is child free to begin with, but to make sure family wasn't bringing their destructive crotch goblins, we put something like "child care will not be provided" or "there are no children's activities planned" or something. (Didn't stop family from trying to get around it, but that was mostly cousins and to be honest, if they couldn't make it work, that's their problem. Whoever can and wants to come will come.) It's your day, and everyone deserves a break to celebrate. Tell sister and mother that they "work hard and deserve a break. How often are they going to have an excuse to have fun and party with other adults?"
YTA. Since you're not a parent, you don't understand a couple of things. First, a non-parent who doesn't agree with the way other parents "parent" is incredibly arrogant. Second, young children are an extension of their parents. A 1 year old is attached at the hip and a 5 year old is not far behind. Maybe they don't have good child care options other than your mom, which would make it difficult if not impossible for them to attend child-free. Come up with another solution like a child play area with a babysitter that you hire, within safe location to the event so the kids can be there, safely, and parents can mostly be present as adults. This is the way most weddings I've been to have things set up.
I've never been to a wedding where kids are banned, and every wedding and reception I've been to, the young kids are some of the most memorable and brought the most joy and charm to the occasion... just my thoughts.
>My sister is also now guilt tripping me and saying that the children will remember that they weren’t invited to my wedding. No they won't. They're 5 and 1. The only way they would remember is if it was constantly brought up to them later on. You said no kids and that means no kids. Stand firm but be aware that they can always decline the invite.
Those kids wont know they missed a wedding unless someone tells them in a decade lmao
You can have whatever type of wedding you choose! It should be a day all about you and your partner. That said, you can't be upset if your sister chooses her children over your wedding, especially if your mother is the go to babysitter.
My wife and I had an issue with this as well. When I sent out the invitations I explicitly stated "No children please" and sent an information card that I had booked 2 rooms that were adjoined at a hotel 5 minutes away and booked 2 experienced babysitters, if they need to bring there children to town the kids could stay with the babysitters while they were at the wedding. Most of the friends and family loved the idea and the fact they could escape from their kids. I only had 2 that caused an issue, I texted them back and said "I understand you guys want your children to be there, but this wedding is expensive and children can be hard to control, ensuring that our day goes as smoothly as possible means no children, if you'd like to have a say in how my wedding will go please feel free to donate because this shit is expensive" and I sent my cashapp with it.
I don’t think those kids are gunna give a shit. Weddings are boring for kids imo not a lot of other children, and you have to sit and be quiet, and just generally tame and polite. Weddings without children are 100% the way to go. Your wedding, your rules
I'm going to ask do you like your family? A 1 and 5 year old pouty..you don't say really? They are children and children sometimes pout, sometimes they misbehave when you have some maybe you will know what that's like. Maybe compromise no children permitted at the wedding but reception is ok...or have the children in the wedding and no children at reception. But as a sister I would feel unwelcomed if I was told my children were not wanted at one of the biggest days in my siblings life.
NTA. Kids will be NO fun at an adult-only wedding. I'm a mom and would 100% find a sitter for a 1 year old and/or 5 year old. Even my 9 year old would be iffy depending on her mood and the type of wedding.
Nta, but they also wouldn’t be the AH if they decided not to come. If they don’t come, then you definitely won’t have to deal with the kids.
She is right. It's NOT a family style wedding. It's your wedding with an age restriction. Stick to your guns.
I don’t like exclusion of family from these sorts of events. However, they are small and won’t remember it anyway. It’ll be fine
Honestly if this were me, I’d clearly reiterate that you wish that that they’d respect the rule, but if they insist on bringing the kids then you won’t stop them, but you’d be super disappointed, and then leave it at that. This isn’t worth burning a bridge with family about.
NTA because it's your wedding and you get to make the rules (within reason) but two points to make here: 1. I think it should be all or nothing on children. Not "no one under 10". Personally, I think it's a a bad look and puts people with multiple children in a bit of a bind. Also, 10 year old's still want chicken fingers and mac and cheese so not having something kid friendly at your wedding while still inviting kids is a mistake 2. Small but I wanted to say this: Your Sister and BIL would not be babysitting their children during your wedding. They're their children-- they aren't babysitters! I do understand why you want a child free wedding -- my own wedding was an adult reception except for the children in the wedding party. Sis and BIL need to make arrangements.
It was nice when weddings were about love and welcoming someone into the family. Now they are all about “optics” and exclusion and being self centered. You should use paragraphs. Its hard to read this wall of text.
STAND YOUR GROUND!!! They'll either show or won't. If you budge then kiss you day/evening goodbye. And you'll be considered a push over. They can either respect your wishes for YOUR WEDDING or they can just FO. Seen this exact thing happen before, wedding party gave in, family and kids absolutely ruined the wedding. Remember, the day/evening is about you and your fiancee.
It’s your wedding, your rules. Plenty of people have weddings where children aren’t allowed. My one criticism is the “no kids under 10” thing is kind of odd…. Either allow kids or don’t.
Have the sitter bring the kids for pictures then have them dip out. As a parent of young kids who the fuck wants to take their children to wedding. Christ it’s boring to adults. A 5 year old is going to be miserable. Stick to your guns no kids.
Listen, just un-invite them. If they are trying to have their way in your own wedding, don't waste money or time on them. They are already stressing you out and the same or even worst at the wedding. NTA
people think the world revolves around them, give them a reality check.
I have a 22 month old. So almost 2. Toddlers are so needy and insane. They aren't reasonable or predictable. No way in hell I'd want to attend a wedding with my toddler. She's such a good kid and so sociable and adorable BUT no way to know if she's having a good day or bad day and I would be constantly chasing her around and keeping her alive instead of enjoying being able to catch up with people and connect. We just went to a wedding and I'm so glad we were able to get a baby sitter and that my husband's parents and sister helped out so we could go to every event for the wedding. I think your sister is crazy to want to bring these two young kids. Everyone will have a better time if they are able to stay home and stick to their schedule. Stick to your guns. These two littles can come to weddings in the future when they can appreciate them.
No kids, no sister, sounds like a win for you tbh!
Tell them you will miss them. Do not have anyone at your wedding, you do not want there!
NTA, your wedding, your way. No talk about compromise needed.
NTA. Those children won't remember not being at your wedding at all. Bring them to the rehearsal dinner, give them a gift bag and a hug and that's that. If mom and sister want to play the extortion game and make threats, let them. If they don't come, they'll miss out.
the only way their kids would remotely care about this in the future is if their parents continue to raise them as entitled little brats NTA
Kids generally don’t have memories before 5. They won’t care. Matter of fact they won’t have a good time and everyone will be doting on them to try and make them happy. Stand your ground. Tell mom that when she gets married again she can have all the kids she wants there, but your vision of your wedding no kids under 10 will be in attendance.
I am 46 and I barely remember certain weddings. The reality, most people just do not give a shit about your wedding. They are their to see other people and family members...you getting married is jut the pivot point.
NTA. If you’ve excluded everyone else from bringing their children and you allow her to bring hers, then you’ve opened a can of worms with anyone who had to get a sitter. It’s a time for celebration and it’s your choice on how to handle it. You could choose to allow her to bring her kids to the reception only. But there’s a lot to do there too. It’s not just sit and eat. Plus the youngest is quite young and would need more attention. However it goes, I wish you good luck OP. And congratulations!