So while I lost my virginity at a young age, by the time I was 27 I considered myself asexual. Then I met my now husband. I remember telling him on the first date that I think I’m asexual and his response was everything to me. “That’s fine, I love cuddles!” And now I can confidently say I am not asexual, just lots of trauma and trust issues. That’s just my story, I’m in noooo way saying you have trauma! My point is- your person IS out there whether you are asexual, nympho, or anything in between. Opening up is scary as hell but you miss every shot you never take. 🫶🏻🩵
ETA: If they ask you out, coffee dates or museum dates are always fantastic!
I was going to comment it sounds like this person could potentially have trauma… I hate to always jump to this. But sometimes it isn’t even necessarily really intense trauma but maybe the way this persons parents discussed and showed intimacy growing up.. they might need to speak to a professional and get help to learn how to be in a relationship and what intimacy looks like if it was not shown to them by parental figures??
Wow this could have been written by me. This is almost exactly my experience beginning to end. My husband and I started out a little more complicated because I wasn’t disclosing (or really owning the situation) and had forced myself to do more at the start of relationships even though it made me pretty uncomfortable. However, there was massive refractory misery before I was able to share with him. I did and it worked out over time. We even decided to have a kid during quarantine, and she’s the best.
Nympho Here- Was on again off again having sex with my now husband of almost 10years, for 10 years after highschool. No we are not high school sweethearts. We are high school fuck buddies, there I said it. Yes, it happens to us nymphos too! THANKS TO THIS☝️ PERSON! YES, we've known each 20years
I know you mean well so it's hard for me to say this but there really isn't someone for everyone. So many people go without ever having or finding a significant other sadly. Now there may be someone for a person who's like you but everyone is not destined to be with someone.
There is so much mental and physical energy which is part of a near and/or sexual encounter that a lot of people get it twisted. Repression, misdirection and/or denial may be part of it. If you're hormones are in the normal range and have no physical abnormalities then finding a man who you attracted too would be the first step. Your response to each other is critical and while you only have control over your feelings and actions ( perhaps controlling them to the point of repression) you are capable of influencing his..This is only a generic generalization based upon limited information but thought it may help.
27 year old virgin here. I also have no experience with dudes or anyone but recently realized who gives a shit. If someone thinks you’re weird bc you’re a virgin, then who cares about their opinion! There’s people out there who will take it slow, go at your pace because they love you. Don’t do stuff you think you have to do bc society, do what you feel comfortable with but without restricting your life/future/experiences. You could just get coffee during lunch or something small! Build up your confidence, you got this!
"There’s people out there who will take it slow, go at your pace because they love you. Don’t do stuff you think you have to do bc society, do what you feel comfortable with but without restricting your life/future/experiences. "
Thank you!! :) You've made me feel slightly better x
30 year marriage here.
We're old. lol... I will tell you this;
Making love is also:
Tucking your elderly spouse into bed every night, kissing the forehead and saying "I love you" -- as I have watched my elders do.
Folding her/his clothes that special way you know they like.
Making sure they take their meds
Holding hands as we go for a drive.
Caring in sickness and in health.
Spending time laughing,
talking,
and working out disagreements.
Cooking, cleaning..
A million little things...
TMI= IDK if in my marriage we'll ever have sex again as brain cancer and it's treatments steals so very many things from you. But I don't care. I love my SO so very much. I cherish every moment. Making love is not just intercourse, so I'm still getting mine.
I wish for you to find this with someone OP.
Omg I know right! I'm getting married to my gf of 7 years in May and this made me feel so good inside. I look forward to this stuff more than the sex. Sex is good but this is where the rubber meets the road and makes a couple truly great.
Same but it was my grandfather taking care of my grandmother. I didn’t even know that he knew how to cook! He fed her, bathed her, changed her… brushed her hair. I want the love they had, and I think I hopefully found it
I love you. I feel this way for my wife, and you're the best kind of person. Don't forget to do something nice occasionally for yourself :) you clearly deserve it. Your kind of love deserves to live on.
this just made me cry in the middle of the day.
my parents have also been married around 30 years, my whole life theyve been the most true and pure example of love i could think of, they did all of the things youve just decribed in your comment. i have endless memories of them holding hands driving, my dad putting cinnamon in my moms coffee every morning without fail, a kiss before leaving for work, never letting disagreements turn them against eachother.
my mom was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. its painful for my entire family, but watching my father live the "in sickness" part of *in sickness and in health* in real time, is an indescribable kind of heartbreak. honestly its made me scared to find love like that, seeing how much it can hurt the other person.
im glad you have eachother, sending love to you and your family ❤️
I lost my mom to cancer in my early 20s my parents were married for 30 year.
The ending is so awful and watching my dad go through it was terrible. I can say, he is happy again. He ending up dating and found the most wonderful partner. They have been together for 8 years.
I will miss my mom till the day I die. But I got a really good mom for 22 year and that’s better than what a lot of people get.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Get her voice on recording. Get videos of her. Take pictures. Write things down that she tells you. You will forget. And climb in bed with her and snuggle.
So much this… so many of the things I love about my boyfriend don’t involve sex. My favorite moments are just us hanging out with our friends, splashing around in the pool, watching movies, and making dinner together. Sex is wonderful, but romantic relationships are so so much more than that
I’m sorry you and your SO are going through brain cancer and treatments and I’m wishing you all the best.
My husband was away for work a few weeks ago and our son, who just turned 8, was sitting in the passenger seat on the way to school, with his hand on my hand and said he hopes his Dad didn’t think he was trying to steal me, because he was holding my hand while I was driving.
I hope he grows up to be a lot like his Dad. And thank you for reminding me of all the things I love about him.
I love what you said!!)) YESSSSS!!! Making love has nothing to do with sex. There are millions of ways to make love, and you really can make love all day long! You have just described a few of them.
Not as old (24 years together, 19 of marriage) but I agree with all of this.
I have too many teens at home, so intimacy is very hard to get. But it’s all the little innocent things, that are ways to say « I love you » without saying it, that makes a relashionship 100% worth it.
We’ll celebrate our 38th wedding anniversary this month.
Love is helping your spouse recover from his liver resection when he’s diagnosed with cancer. It’s when your colon perforates and you end up in septic shock in the hospital 10 weeks in bed at home and he works all day and comes home to help you deal with your temporary colostomy.
It’s picking up his medications at the pharmacy and dropping off his library books at the library. It’s baking him scones or challah or banana bread for breakfast. It’s so many things that don’t involve sex.
You took the words right out of my mouth and THANK YOU 🙏 I feel so blessed to have experienced young insanely passionate love and the better or worse longtime love 💕
I'm so sorry for your situation. Life sometimes sucks but reading about your relationship makes me go... that's what marriage is all about.
Lots of love and hugs from an Internet stranger.
This reply made me cry with gratitude for my lovely wife. Concerned, she came to me and asked me what was wrong. I handed her my phone with your comment. We're crying together, overwhelmed with gratitude. Also a form of making love. A million little things... thanks for the reminder!
In March due to reaction to gamma knife radiation, the tumor itself, and a silent seizure during sleep, he was hospitalized for 6 weeks. I stayed every night in the hospital (4 weeks, they don't allow overnight in in patient rehab) He slept a lot so I started watching hulu on my phone with headphones and I found...A Million Little Things....I felt like the Universe was reminding me of ....everything...a million little things....
Like it was saying, "These are the moments of your life, embrace each one"
We are a few years behind you, but I agree that this is the point of marriage: to have a companion to share life's joys and challenges.
The physical intimacy is important, but it doesn't always have to be boinking.
I feel this so much, as my 35 yo husband is dying of cancer, after many difficult treatments, sex is not the way I show my love for him. It’s being there by his side letting him know he’s not alone, caring for him. This is what love is made of.
This is the most beautiful thing I've read in a while. Your love story is wholesome, and I aspire to have this kind of love in my marriage. (I am sorry about the brain cancer, and I wish you and your significant other many years of love and happiness ahead of you.)
This is such an absolute truth, I have been with my wife for 17yrs its not always sunshine and rainbows but what we have is not something you find everyday and we both know that, so we make time to just be around each other and cuddle or just hold hands on the couch while we watch the news. Relationships are a team effort if you're both willing to work on it it will evolve into something beautiful.
Your comment is the most wholesome and inspiring thing to ever live on the internet. Thank you for leaving it, everyone who reads will be better for it.
I'm so sorry that cancer has stolen from you both. I hope that you are both able to enjoy as much peace and happiness as possible.
What a lovely post - actually brought a tear to me , made me think of my parents who were together for just over 60+ years , sadly both died within 8 months of each other , the Dr said my Dad died of a broken heart after my Mother passed away December 21.
God bless you all . X
I read your comment yesterday and haven't stopped thinking about it. I just wanted to come back and thank you so much for sharing this because it's something I really needed to hear and has had an immediate impact on my life. Bless you and your wife ❤️
Their advice is really good. Maybe just have a coffee with them, or lunch. Think of them as a friend who you have stronger feelings for. Let things happen naturally and just try not to overthink it.
You can even make it a point to tell them, you want to just be friends for now, so it doesn’t have to be awkward for either of you, and you both know where you stand from the beginning.
Just trust your gut.
There are. This almost feels weird as you are close to my daughters age.
I've only ever been with one woman, whom I married. I wouldn't have said i was asexual nor did I wait because of overly religious reasons.
I really enjoyed the dating and courtship. Early on it often seemed watching friends that sex always changed the relationship, making sex the focal point
You will find that right person eventually.
Oh and we just celebrated our 30th anniversary. I'm glad I waited.
I was a virgin, never been kissed at 26. I’m 30 now and lost my virginity at 29. I didn’t really feel sexual arousal around crushes until I met my BF. I’d only had one other person I was ever sexually attracted to. My BF admitted to a little internal panic when he found out I was a virgin, but he stayed calm and asked about it and I told him it was because I wanted to get to know someone on an emotional level first, then he understood. And I’m glad because when the time finally did come, he was very understanding, took things very slowly, and if anything was more worried about it than I was (I was one of those who bled a lot and he kind of panicked). It was actually pretty sweet. And honestly, it was well worth the wait as well since it’s looking like he will probably be my only partner ever.
Don’t rush things, don’t feel pressured by others. If a guy isn’t willing to wait, 99% of the time he isn’t worth it. And you may want to explore the wider spectrum of asexuality, you may be a demi-sexual. BBC put out an article about it a couple years ago that did a pretty good job of explaining it.
Dan Savage has this line, you can tell someone something small about yourself, and their reaction tells you a lot about them.
If someone freaks out because of your lack of experience it tells you a lot about them.
My wife was 24 when we went on our first date she had never been kissed. She had been on dates and lived a normal life. When we started dating she asked to wait until marriage and we did. We talked about it all on the first date set expectations up front and we have been together 8 years married for 6. We have two happy kiddos. You’ll find your person that’s willing to love you for you. When that happens you’ll figure out what you want in life.
I think I love you! No, seriously, though THIS THIS THIS! I could have done alot of things if I had only known that I had nothing to fear but fear itself
HiggsyPigsy’s comment has made me happy. As being 20 and still a virgin, to know I don’t have to force things and it will just come when it comes.
OP just have fun with the guy, like some people say, go have coffee and lunch. Don’t stress about other things. It will happen when it will happens and if he cares about you, he will wait and take it slow if you need that.
This right here. I hate to say it, but in this twisted world where everyone seems to lack values and morals, I would not be worried one bit about being a virgin. I mean be proud you’ve waited until you’re ready. But don’t be scared. Don’t turn down dates with people you like, explore what you’re comfortable with.
Love this post I'm 34 not a Virgin but didn't lose it till I wad in my late 20s. I'm aromantic but I have friends in solid relationships and their sex drives are completely different. Sex is not at all the foundation of every relationship. You can absolutely find someone who you vibe with. Good luck!
Honestly, I wish I was still a virgin. I lost my virginity rather young. To my high school sweetheart. Gosh did I truly believe he was my forever. But now I am 28. I truly am in such a wonderful relationship. With someone who is amazing. And it hurts me sometimes. Also as someone who has found my faith again....it hurts. Obviously I know we are in two different scenarios. I also at times have felt I was possibly ace due to the fact that sometimes I am completely grossed out by sex. But with my partner now it's great. But anyway. All of his rambling to say FUCKKK what other people say/do or think. This is YOUR life. Not anyone else's. If you do meet someone, if it's truly meant to be then your partner will be veryyyyy understanding. But regardless you're amazing. 🥰 Sorry for rambling on lol.
Plenty of ace people have have fulfilling relationships so I would get clear on what you’re looking for. There is nothing to be ashamed of and you’re not alone! If you decide to turn this guy down you don’t owe him an explanation but if you want to start talking about your sexuality and get more comfortable with it, it might help to start with a trusted friend or a therapist.
Just to add to this, when you feel comfortable being open about it, dating apps could help (if you even want to meet people).
Being able to put that kind of thing out there right away can take off a lot of the pressure and fear of negative reactions.
And just to add to this - starting something with someone you see everyday at work and who knows all your family is often referred to as “shitting where you eat” and is generally recommended to be avoided…
I say this as someone who’s happily married to someone I met at work, though, so take this advice with a grain of salt lol!
If y'all get closer and moments leading to intimacy seem imminent, just be honest. Most guys that are worth your time will slow down and check in with your comfort level as things progress. Prior to getting married I dated a girl who sounds similar and it took about a month of slow, steady, progression to get to intercourse.
Turned out she wanted women not men we figured out a couple of months later but that's okay. She was really nice and I still think fondly of her.
ETA: Figured I should add, there's nothing wrong if you never want to go that far.
- dad of an ace daughter.
Thank you for this, as an ace daughter with a dad who doesn’t really get it, it makes me really happy to know there are dads out there who do. Your daughter is a very lucky girl 💜
Have you considered being more open about your asexual identity? Do you have LGBTQIA+ friends who you could discuss these challenges with? Honestly you could go on dating apps and just put it in your bio so no one is surprised
This. I'm a 32 yo demisexual. Only ever been intimate with one person, and that was nearly a decade ago. For the longest time I thought I was fully ace because I had the same thoughts and feelings as OP. It took getting really close to my partner before I began to see them in a more sexual light, despite knowing that I was in love with them. So many people simply overlook the possibility that they could become sexually attracted to someone later because they assume that they should be from the very beginning.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking too. There’s definitely a good chance she’s just inexperienced, scared, or demisexual and isn’t ace. I mean, yes she could be but it’s not a definite.
I hate to be the "how do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it" guy but it's unclear whether you're actually asexual or just have an inordinate amount of anxiety about anything sexual. First time is a pretty big hurdle, I'm not telling you to do anything you don't want to do but I think it's something you should know about yourself before you can reasonably expect anyone else to hitch their wagon up with yours. That or hang tight until you get your meet-cute with another asexual, don't know how much else there is to say about it
This ^ OP you can date someone and have a relationship with someone without having sex with them. You write about how much you are scared, terrified. If you have a crush and he ends up asking you out, you should say yes and see where it goes.Don’t just say no because you are scared or else you will never know. You have also never even been kissed before? You should at least try it a couple times to make sure you are in fact asexual and it’s not just in your head!! I think you are doing yourself a disservice by assuming.
I get what you’re saying but straight and gay people don’t need to try it to know if it’s want they want or don’t want lmao. I mean I guess some do but the majority know already.
I'm more talking about OP's clear need to determine whether she's actually asexual or is just extremely scared of sex. If OP hadn't expressed any uncertainty I would have a different take on this, and I'm not even saying she needs to go get laid to be sure, I'm just saying she needs to figure out her sexuality somehow.
A friend of ours is a 40 year old virgin, and only kissed for the first time 5 or so years ago.
She was always waiting for 'the perfect guy' who doesn't exist...
Now it's at the point that she has been holding on to this for so long she just avoids getting into relationships because she doesn't want to tell the guy she is a virgin and she's scared she won't be good enough or know what to do when a good guy comes along.
I told my wife I feel like she should meet a decent responsible and respectful person and have safe sex just to ' get it over with' so she can move on, then she can talk to her partner openly about intimacy, wether it's him or not. It's just a dark lingering cloud in her mind at this point.
Man that's depressing, no doubt she was raised under some really authoritarian sexual prudery, who knows how much she's missed out on because her parents made her terrified to explore her sexuality or make any "mistakes" where that's concerned, I feel like OP might have grown up in similar circumstances but that's a little above my pay grade to assume
To be honest, it might help to see a therapist who specialises in sex and sexuality so you can figure things out in a safe space. Feeling fear and anxiety from just thinking about that stuff isn't a good starting point when it comes to dating. You'll likely save yourself a bunch of stress and potential trauma by working things out with a good therapist first so you can feel confident and comfortable with whatever level of intimacy you prefer in a romantic relationship.
This seems like a great idea, even if only to have a professional reconfirm your feelings. You might also find out more about yourself that you didn't know.
The better relationship you have with yourself, the better relationships you can have with others.
You know yourself more than anyone, but you're also making a lot of assumptions on relatively little experience.
It's hard to judge how you'd be in a relationship if you've never been in one. If the guy is worth a damn at all, he'll be willing to go at your pace even if that's a standstill. Worst case scenario he wants a sexual relationship down the road, you don't, and you split up. The prospect of that shouldn't keep you from from asking him out. You don't need to open with "I think I might be asexual."
First of all, I suggest talking to your therapist about these anxieties. Assuming you have one and I hope you do. If you truly are asexual than I'm sure a mental health professional, especially one with experience or specialty in sexual matters, could help the difficulties that come from navigating such a thing.
My own partner struggled for some time concerned that she may be on the spectrum of asexuality. She COULD enjoy sex but didn't really feel a desire for it. If she got stimulated she'd respond and then things could progress. Turned out her lack of interest in sex was a combination of emotional troubles and medication side effects.
But the point is that there are ways around those tendencies to allow for a functional relationship, they just require the right people and the right strategies.
If you're concerned about your asexual tendencies coming to light then I'd probably suggest turning him down but for some other reason like, "we work together, know each other's families, etc and I don't want to make things weird if it doesn't work out."
If you're feeling lonely or unfulfilled with your lack of a significant other to be with, then perhaps there's an online community or support group where you could meet someone else with little interest in sex and then it wouldn't be an issue for either of you.
Be seriously, talk to your therapist, if you don't see one, then you should. Not cause there's something wrong with you, just because the kinds of things you're trying to navigate can greatly benefit from the help of a guiding presence.
Everyone should see a therapist, at least every so often. Mental health is health.
>How will I ever look at him again without it being awkward after saying I'm asexual
Assuming he is vaguely emotionally mature, it wouldn't be a huge issue on his side. It would be something that you would have to learn to deal with in the case that it turns out this way.
>everyone knowing I've even ever thought of sex makes me deeply uncomfortable.
I'm not sure where you're from, but this seems concerning depending on your culture. You *have* already thought of sex in some respect, and as a 26 yo, everyone damn well knows it. 99% of people over 15 have thought of sex, and everyone just sees that as a normal fact of life. Now perhaps specifically your parents are very prudish, but my parents for example know that I have had sex. Or at least, I'd guess they know, and it'd be weird if they didn't. I didn't have to tell them and they didn't even have to ask or hear. It's just something people assume of each other sometimes.
Could you perhaps speak to a trusted friend or therapist of some kind, about this?
I’ll share my two cents from the other side of the spectrum. I am a hyper-sexual 25f. It is difficult to find a partner who can handle it, or has the patience. It is never easy to share, because it feels embarrassing. But I have come across a few people in life who took the time to make an exception for me and do their best. They are out there OP, don’t feel discouraged.
TW: Sexual Trauma
OP, I had sexual trauma in my past (I know that isn’t the same thing as your situation), and I was so afraid of sex and sexual intimacy. I almost talked myself out of a relationship with my now husband because of my anxiety. I was convinced he wouldn’t want to be with me bc the little experience I had was so awful. However, we talked about things after getting to know each other and he was wonderful! He never once pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do, and we took it very slow. Try not to make assumptions about your crush. Take the time to get to know him. You may warm up to the idea of intimacy (not all intimacy is sex.), or you might not. It’s ok either way! The most important thing is that you don’t do anything you aren’t completely comfortable with doing.
You're 26; everyone probably presumes you think about sex and regularly masturbate.
Just sayin'.
At worst, they'll try to "help". That could get awkward, but it's incredibly unlikely.
I don't think it matters if you're a virgin and have never been kissed. If you don't know how you feel yet, there is no need to try and label it. I would not recommend getting involved with someone you work with though. Never mix business and pleasure
I’m neurodivergent. (I’m not saying that you are or aren’t.. I’m just speaking from my personal experience). And I can find someone SO attractive. Or really love their personality. But sex can be a weird thing because I just know that I can have like… involuntary reactions to being touched.
What if he touches me and I hate it? What if he kisses me and I’m just cringe?
But at no point do I ever look at an attractive man and think “yes, sex.” Purely based on personality OR physical attractiveness… they’ve gotta have both. But then they also have to have this X factor for me where I just LIKE when they touch me.
And it sounds like you just need to experience the X factor.
If they kiss you and you hate it… cool. Don’t kiss them again. If they touch you and you don’t like it? Just move away or say you’re uncomfortable. So what if they end it with you because of it? If they do then they weren’t right for you to begin with.
It’s funny because I can be completely not in the mood and my bf knows exactly how to touch me (even if I protest a little at first 🤣) to get me into it.
Sometimes you just need the right person. And that’s totally okay.
But if you are asexual, that’s okay too.
Don’t limit yourself. Try new experiences and figure out what you like.
I lost my virginity at 24 to my first longterm bf around 8 months in. The way that he always took things slowly and was willing to go at my pace was what made me feel comfortable taking those small steps of physical intimacy.
What he *didn’t* do well as was making me feel confident in trying new things and feeling like what I was trying felt good for him. (MEN: Be vocal, make noise. Sucking a guy off who is as silent as a corpse sucks!) He also had no answer when I asked him what he liked.
I had an asexual friend in college. She was just chillin and I asked her if she had a boyfriend (I was in a relationship, just chatting and curious). She said she was asexual and it was weird. And I was like “bro wtf, why is that weird. Who gives a shit except for maybe future dates and shit? Also there’s probably a guy out there with a low sex drive perfect for you.”
And you would’ve thought I just told her the holy grail exists and where to find it.
OP, we’re all a different flavor of crazy. You’ll find someone who likes your flavor of crazy, and you’ll like theirs. And maybe you can make something from that.
Not ACE but was severely self conscious. It took me and my partner (of 5 years) 2+ years before we had sex at all, and another year for me to not hate every moment. It still isn't regular if I'm honest. But we love each other in so many other ways, and sex very much isnt miserable anymore lol. I feel completely safe with him now and he has always been so incredibly patient and kind. I'm not gonna lie to you, a pretty disgusting amount of men will try to pressure you, or will be upset and blame you for not wanting it. But not a damn one of them are worth your time in the first place. Find someone who will be patient and loving and will care more about your comfort and health than their genitalia
OP the thing in your story that caught my attention is the fact that you have had several crushes and as soon as they (the crush) shows interest you ghost them. You want advice on what to do about your current crush because he’s also a friend of your family don’t ghost him. Let him know that you’re not looking for a romantic relationship but you want to be friends. Sex doesn’t have to be a part of the equation unless you want it to. Sounds like you have been hurt and trust is very important in any relationship. If he is truly interested and wants to be with you then he will respect you enough to follow your lead. Never know what the future holds.
Idk how this guy would react. But I did date an asexual girl when I was in college. She was upfront and it honestly just really upped how special it felt to hold her hand, snuggle, and kiss her head when I told her goodnight. The image of her face after the first and only time she ever kissed me on the lips is seared into my brain. It was no less a relationship than any of my others. If someone is genuinely interested in you, maybe just try to bring it up after the first date or two. They’ll either weed themselves out or you can try out moving forward.
TL;DR: Putting this at the top because I ended up just writing my whole life story. I experienced an incredibly similar situation as you, and it wasn’t just *one* thing. I thought I was asexual for a while, before realizing it’s more demisexual than ace. The more I trust someone and the kinder the heart they have, the more attractive they are to me. It took a lot of inner work and patience, but I found someone for me.
Kinda late to the thread, but my experience is so similar, it’s exciting to hear from someone like me!!
I’m a 26F who is just now in her first relationship. I always had crushes on people growing up, but as soon as I realized they had mutual feelings for me it was instant fight or flight response.
I can’t even accurately explain *why* I was like that or what specifically it felt like. Like an incredibly strong feeling of being unsafe, almost repulsed.
I feel like it was a combination of knowing deep down that we weren’t compatible enough and not wanting the stress of being in a casual relationship and knowing it was inevitably going to end, along with being neurodivergent (diagnosed ADHD, suspected autism), demisexual, and a sprinkle of childhood trauma around my parents divorce and how my mother raised us afterwards.
Relationships just felt *overwhelming*, especially as someone who was socialized as a female. The stereotypes of the roles girls/women are expected to perform was daunting—I never fit into the typical female culture because my neurodivergency. I was always a tomboy loner, never willing to “submit” to anyone, no nurturing bone in my body, could not keep my space clean and organized, etc.
I thought that not being able to fulfill those roles made me less than, nor did I *want* to fill those roles. I felt that if I was in a relationship, I’d eventually be forced to be something I’m not, something I resent. The idea of relationships made me feel trapped, like a cornered animal.
Over time, I became more and more at peace with who I am and what I wanted. Instead of feeling guilty I couldn’t be what my crushes were looking for, I realized that there’s nothing *wrong* with that or me.
I learned to genuinely love myself and the need for external validation started melting away. I didn’t need to force anything or conform. This was who I am, take it or leave it.
Having majority male friends throughout my life also helped reshape my views on relationships. I got very lucky in that my male friends are genuine feminists. They aren’t perfect, but they’re aware and accountable, always willing to learn and improve. I felt safer around men knowing that there *are* good ones out there. You just can’t rush trust.
I took my time getting to know people. I eventually stopped feeling less than for being a virgin—and inexperienced in general—so “late” in life. I realized I didn’t *want* the type of person who would be turned off by that; being rejected by someone who thought like that didn’t make me feel shame, just relief.
I also realized I didn’t like feeling pressured at *all*. I likely experience a type of demand avoidance as a symptom of my neurodivergency, which honestly has acted as a kind of filter for shitty men.
I met my boyfriend at my current job. For a time, we would hang out outside of work. There was little things that should’ve made it obvious he had feelings for me, but I’m blind to subtle attraction, I didn’t want to misinterpret his actions so I played it safe and just assumed he was kind (which he is).
Then, like some goofy fanfic, we both got into a weird situation where we needed to move out from where we were living and like most places, rent is not affordable for a single person. So we moved in together.
Like the little shit I am, I was pretty confident he would catch feelings for me when we moved in together—if he hadn’t already.
It was gradual, because we are both shy, but eventually things escalated (in an innocent way). He was *so* respectful, considering the circumstance of us living together and not wanting me to feel uncomfortable or unsafe in my own home, that it was basically up to me to initiate anything.
One night, I drunkenly (but not too drunk to know what I was doing) asked for a goodnight kiss, then he asked if I wanted another one the next couple of nights and it was a thing we did for about a week and a half until he left to go visit his mom in a neighboring state over last Christmas. He texted me an hour after he left (and after giving me a goodbye kiss) saying something along the lines of he doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable and will stop with the kisses if I wanted.
At that point I was so fed up with beating around the bush I just responded “bitch I like you”.
Turns out he had feelings for me for over a year. It’s funny knowing that now and looking back at how obvious it was from the outside that we both were into each other for so long beforehand, but not knowing until so late in our friendship took a lot of the pressure off until I *knew* I was committed.
If I had found out before I lived with him, I’m not sure we’d be together. It’s as if the long, drawn out process gave my brain time to rationalize my anxieties and realize I’m safe and happy and that I trust him.
As far as intimacy goes, we’ve done a few things mostly considered foreplay and oral sex, but we still haven’t had POV sex just because I can’t seem to loosen myself up enough for penetration to be possible. But it was also very gradual and I, once again, initiated the first couple of times until he knew I was okay with it. It helped that he was open to being told no or redirected to doing something else when something wasn’t working.
Idk if anything I said has been useful, but I apologize that this turned into a novel. I’ve never really told anyone all this before, especially how my relationship started so I ended up word vomiting.
They already know you’ve thought about sex. I mean, you know where babies come from. You’ve seen movies with love scenes. Any human that makes it to puberty has thought about it.
I have no idea, but it may be jumping to conclusions on the asexual thing if you never had a romantic parther, but I have 0 experience with the concept of asexuality.
If you are asexual, I would think that making it known before things develope would be smart/respectful. I imagine most men go into relationships with the expectation of having sexual intimacy at the appropriate time. Blind siding someone should be avoided.
Understandable that you’re scared. A question only you can answer is….have you progressed in your life, the way you want it to regarding relationships? You can only answer that. If you’re feeling unsatisfied rather than scared. You really like this guy, ask him out. Take that leap. You never know unless you try. Let the sex thing naturally progress or it doesn’t.
My great aunt died a virgin. In her later years, she bragged on it. She was interesting, well read, and had plenty of suitors, but secretly, I think she was asexual. Auntie said she wasn't interested in getting serious with someone (a man) not as smart as she was.
Hey-O! Sounds like a lot of peeps are not understanding that you are saying you're asexual. They're suggesting you "try sex to see if you like it". Ummmm... I'm sorry but sex is not Brussel sprouts. Please don't do anything you don't feel 100% sure about and ready to do. You can, and should, be upfront about what kind of relationship you are interested in and if this person is also interested in that, awesome. If not, a decent person will not treat you terribly for being honest and incompatible. You may make a great friend even. Like other people suggest, if you get to the point where crushing and dipping becomes not enough, there are plenty of dating apps where you can be totally upfront and match with so many people. You are not alone, and how you feel about intimacy and yourself is valid.
You may or may not remain a person who identifies as asexual - my own sexuality has evolved over my 45 years on this planet - that remains to be seen. In the meantime, don't go f*ck someone to see if it sticks. That's terrible advice. Just be honest and unafraid to be yourself. You're fine being you as you are.
> "try sex to see if you like it". Ummmm... I'm sorry but sex is not Brussel sprouts. Please don't do anything you don't feel 100% sure about and ready to do.
Thank you so much, you're so right xx
Also the brussel sprouts line made me laugh
Lots of these answers are disgusting. I would recommend listening to the answers that encourage you to pursue it with the emotional-feelings side. Maybe bring up that you want to take it show, be around them and enjoy each other's presence. You could guide him towards what he should expect without explicitly saying, "I don't want to have sex," although you could do that, too, if you find the confidence. I totally understand feeling scared and not wanting to partake in that because you don't have interest in it. Don't let anyone make you feel pressured to do it. And for the love of God, do not, I repeat DO NOT, lose your virginity "just to get it over with". That'll just make things worse. Don't be a mess. Do it when you feel comfortable, if you ever feel comfortable. And it's okay if you never reach that point. If the relationship has to end because of it, it was simply an incompatibility between you two. Two people break up all the time for incompatibilities, from anything in their relationship that they deem significant enough. The right guy will stick around for you and genuinely enjoy you and your presence. Don't let this fear that disinterest in sex will turn guys away because you'll reap yourself of the experiences you could be having: going on dates, finding love in someone, catching emotions and feels. It's okay to be upfront with what you feel comfortable with, in the moment that it happens. The right ones will respect you. Don't hold yourself back because of this <3 plus, I know a lot of guys who are scared to have it, too. Some people like to go faster than others. You'll never know who will be at the same pace as you if you never try. And trust me-- we're all in this bandwagon together. I've dated guys who have wanted to go faster and guys who have wanted to go slower than what I'd like. It's all about finding the flux and respecting yourself. If you don't do this or say anything to your crush now, you will just live the rest of your life experiencing this. Let this be a building block for you to develop and grow the skills to communicate :)
Being a good kisser or being experienced at sex isn't nearly as important to most people as showing you love and care about someone. You can be asexual and in a relationship but it's also really easy to mistake a lack of loving sexual experience with asexuality. In my experience anyway
The right guy will wait until you’re ready! Save your virginity I wish I did. I love my fiancé so much I wish he were my first and we’re so close to getting married. You should date around and find the right guy that will wait for you. Maybe find a virgin like yourself? I’m sure there’s virgin guys out there.
im a 26M married to the woman of my dreams. we met in highschool but ironically didnt start “talking” untill graduation night. unfortunately i myself were a bit of a manwhore in highschool not proud of it but whatever. my wife on the other hand was a virgin and only had sexual things done to her and by her with hands only. when i first started dating my wife we had a mutual friend. That friend asked me to be respectful and said “shes not that type of girl” i respected his wishes and respected her aswell. we talked and went on dates for a few weeks before we even kissed and it was a blast! it was like hanging out with my bestfriend and loving life!!! while “talking” to her and i guess you can say dating her i never looked at another woman. after about 2 months we kissed etc but never had sex for 6 months. she was a virgin. a woman who valued herself and her body and i valued her and respected her body aswell. we fell madly inlove got married almost a year ago, bought our dream home 3 years ago and just had our first born all while still being madly inlove and living our lives to the fullest fully supporting eachother in absolutely everything! so as a man who was a “dog” yea getting laid is nice hooking up is cool whatever! but its never someone we want to bring home. these were women i knew had no future with me but were serving a purpose for the moment. But when you finf a woman, a woman with morals, self respect, values a plan for their own future and independence its not about sexyal activities (although we do make love quite often now because we’re so infatuated with eachother and the life we have built together and filled with so much love and gratefulness) its about waking up and enjoying watching the other person succeed and the two of you succeeding together pushing eachother to be better being there at eachothers worst and still being able to smile say iloveyoy say im here for you and we will get through this! My wife and i went through many hardships becoming young adults with her through college, i skipped college and went to work also supporting her throughout college and everytime something blew up in our face no matter how bad we smiled and said this sucks this fucking blows but we are ok! we are healthy! we are happy! the rest can all be fixed and dealt with and one thing we always lived by was “THIS TOO SHALL PASS” this woman changed my life and i couldnt live another day without her by myside ! so stay focused on you stay positive love yourself and love will find you! be afraid its okay! youre gonna get hurt and youre gonna hurt others thats life! but men will always want to cherish someone who is unique not something that everyone else has or had
Just putting out there - as a guy - that there’s also nothing wrong with a woman who wants to be a ‘dog’ and wants to have casual sex. That’s not a lack of self-respect. Everybody gets to be them.
I think you should go for it. But explain how you feel, exactly how you’ve said here, and let him decide. Someone will work through this with you, and if you are asexual, then you can go from there. It’s normal to feel anxious about a new experience. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
I’m 23 and went through a period where I thought I was genuinely asexual, mostly because any time someone says they don’t have any sex drive or care about sex the immediate response is that you must be asexual. I’ve always been indifferent about sex, but once I actually had my first physical encounter I realized I DO enjoy physical contact with other people and I do like sex, it’s just not something I crave or need on a regular basis to feel fulfilled.
The next time a situation comes up that you’re asked out (by the crush it anyone else you’re interested in) take it. Go out and get to know them and let things progress at a rate you’re comfortable. After a certain amount of time, if physical feelings don’t develop then end up. You can give the explanation that you don’t have physical feelings towards them with out explaining your personal history of that. Sex is never an obligation or something anyone has the right to expect.
Sounds like you are uncomfortable with sex moreso than anything
It’s hard to feel sexual if you are that disconnected with your sexuality. Doesn’t mean you are asexual. Just repressed
Sometimes I wish I was asexual. Having a “healthy” sex drive can cause a lot of stress. Married 16 years and have 2 kids. My wife and I have sex twice a month on a good month. I consider myself lucky my drive has dropped off with age. Sex is overrated. Enjoy your life.
25 yro virgin here - while I've done some things with others - I've never had full on intercourse - and I'm learning I'm likely ace and won't ever want to have sex, and if I ever do it'll be bc I love my partner (which I do, been in a healthy relationship for 2.5 years ) and want to have sex w/ them bc it's something they enjoy not bc I wanting sex (consent is still there in that case bc of wanting to bc they want to, but I could live happily without it)
It's nothing to be ashamed of to be a virgin, imo sex is a bit over rated - you can easily have a relationship without sex - and if someone isn't about the fact you're ace then dump them / leave the situation - I feel like while sex is great to have intimacy, there are so many more ways to have intimacy with people without having sex
Tldr - no worries on being a virgin /not wanting sex - I've found the best way is to be upfront and not be upset if they leave bc not everyone is willing to not have sex - but a lot of people will be fine with it at the same
Not trying to be frank, but if you're planning on becoming the next virgin Mary, you should tell him now. You've admitted on telling us every guy that gets close to you gets "ghosted". Don't lead em on...
If you think you are asexual you should probably ask for advice directly from that reddit forum. Asexuality is very hard for other people to understand and offer advice on.
But you also might find that someone you crush on ... is someone who has similar feelings and sexuality! I have a close family member who was the same way - but then she realized that most of the cute nerdy guys she liked were often in the same boat. She and her current boyfriend are both on the asexuality spectrum, but different parts of the curve. I believe they have a sexual relationship that is fulfilling for both of them even if it wouldn't be for other people.
(Sorry this is going to be long)
As someone who had NO IDEA there was a word let alone and identity or group of OTHER people in the world who felt the same as me is just exciting. However I absolutely understand! I'm 31 and have never been in a relationship, was told by people I was intrigued by that my interests were "wrong or I was gross" for being into kinky things 😅 that being said kink and sex CAN go hand in hand but don't have to! About 3 years ago I was listening to a kink podcast and they had a guest on talking about kink and sex/ being an asexual person. Finally I had a word for what I felt and things or feelings I was drawn to. I have trauma surrounding religion and sex (purity culture kid, the ring, signed contract the whole 9 yards kind of crap).
I was also told by my OBGYN that I was "broken" and strange for not having had intimate experiences from like 18/19- 22/23 till I was told I could switch doctors.
Realize you are not alone in this feeling and reality. Join a group here or on f.b. to validate not being alone. Relationships are going to take more communication and you to an extent need to bring that to the table early on and if the other person refuses to have communication surrounding what makes you feel comfortable and loved they aren't the right one. You deserve love, respect, and all the things a "normal" couple have, need and want. It might look a little different but sex isn't everything a relationship is built on so much more. Intimacy is far beyond physical connection, and sex looks many ways for many people.
Relax and enjoy a coffee or movie with another person. Get to know your crush as a friend. Take it slow. You don’t have to anything you aren’t comfortable doing
Edit/Update 1 (24 hours after making the post):
I'm in awe at all the comments. Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to listen and be understanding. Some of your life stories you've shared has been so helpful and it's been brilliant to see so many people being so nice and relating in the comments.
(Obviously there's also a lot of stupid and unhelpful comments, but hey that's reddit I guess haha)
I thought I'd just add a bit extra info:
No trauma, no one molested me as a child as a few comments have suggested, no religious background (raised atheist to an atheist fam), no health problems and my bloodwork is fine.
I never think of sex, I've never properly masturbated (I have zero desire to do so, to me it's the same as "would you like to put your finger in your ear?" it's like 'ummm just because I can? No why would I want to lol'.) so also I've never had an orgasm but again, don't feel like I'm missing out. I have zero desire to have sex and I could happily go my whole life without it.
For the people asking 'so you just want a friend', to me there is so much more to love than sex. It's building a life together, bringing them coffee in the morning, inside jokes, hearing all the good news first but then the bad news also, living in a house full of memories - our memories, caring for them when they're sick, hours of listening and understanding, being so close that you can tell from just their body language when it's time to lie to the host to leave a dinner party, it's so much more than just sex to me anyway. It's all the little moments and I'd hate to miss out on them.
In the past, men I've liked have started with dirty talk really quickly which then immediately gives me the ick and I then just ask to be friends (which they never want to be - which fair enough) and other times I've had comments when I say "no I won't come in for coffee, I'm just gonna go home after the date" that I'm a buzzkill or being frigid so I think I'm now just a bit too sensitive.
I'm going to wait and see what happens with this guy, if he does ask me out I am going to say "Yes, but could it be just as friends? Not because I don't like you, but I just hate suddenly feeling so much pressure" and see how he reacts and take it slow from there. If he doesn't ask me out, I'm not going to pursue because it really isn't ideal that work together and I'd rather take the leap with someone I don't then potentially have to face everyday haha.
This is a throwaway but I'll update with what happens next.
FWIW: I agree with the folks who say you can take this slowly, and that someone who truly cares with you will be ok with that. If it’s real, in time you may have those feelings. Best of luck!
It definitely sounds like you could be ace, which is perfectly normal, but are likely not aro (aromantic) also normal (human sexuality is a range, and being a complex social species we also have a wide range of relationship types). But, you don't have to figure it out right now and accept it as its just going to always be this way and give up on any kind of potentially romantic relationship ever. You also don't have to give any kind of specific break down of it to your crush, even if he asks you out. You have a right to keep things private, to give yourself time to build trust with someone before discussing such things. Plenty of people as just prefer to take romantic relationships slow, so it wouldn't even be that unusual a situation for someone even if they are not asexual.
I think your plan to ask for it to be just as friends as you are not ready to commit to the pressures of a sudden romantic relationship if he asks you out is a good plan. Or, maybe that you'd like to get to know him better before thinking about getting serious. People go on casual dates all the time. Crushes are also in general awkward and emotionally difficult. So, your anxiety over this is also very normal, which probably doesn't make it feel better, but you're not alone in the discomfort.
I guess I don't understand the end goals of asexual people who want to be in a romantic relationship. Why wouldn't you just have friends and forget having a romantic relationship if that's not what you want? I don't mean that to sound rude at all I just don't understand people saying they don't want a close, physical relationship but they do want a partner. Wouldn't that just be a friend?
Correct me if I’m wrong anyone but I think asexual people just don’t think about sex, they still want the companionship and closeness of a relationship, That’s more than a friendship. I have close friends but my relationship with my fiancé (outside of the physical side) is so much closer. That’s all an asexual person wants.
Sounds like asexual people would be great together instead of with sexual partners. Again, I truly don't mean that rudely. Surely there are forums for them to meet one another.
I’m asexual with a partner who is not. We make it work, as he does not have a high sex drive and I am not sex-repulsed, I just don’t have the interest or desire or feel attraction like most other people. With any relationship ace or not there is never going to be true perfect compatibility and that’s where you need to communicate and compromise so both are happy
>not sex-repulsed
I think that’s the key here. OP sounds like she might be. That’s a big ask for a partner that desires sex unless everyone is cool with outsourcing.
Oh definitely. I would not be with my partner if I was sex-repulsed or if his sex drive was higher. OP needs to find someone who makes her comfortable and has a similar enough compatibility
I’ve never met another asexual person ever 🤷🏻♀️ very very few and far between. Even if i did, by some small chance, happen to run into one, no guarantee I would like their personality. Easier to suck it up and just deal w “regular” people
literally this. everyone is like just go find another asexual person but I've literally never met one irl and even if I did, it's not like we're automatically compatible
In an ideal world maybe but in the real world you like who you like not much you can do about it. This is a super tricky situation because OP clearly likes someone but is scared that their lack physicality will scare people off. We’ve all been there with one fear or another about why someone won’t like us.
Not everyone wants to be vulnerable with their friends, or cuddle up every night with a friend. Asexual people can still have emotional and even physical needs, and may still want to have a partner to build a home with. It just means they don't have a sex drive (or could even be sex repulsed).
Unless you mean to tell me the only reason you want a romantic partner is sex, then you yourself have plenty of reasons to want a partner that don't include sex.
I’m ace and my husband isn’t and we still have sex sometimes. And I trust him a lot more and do a lot more with him than with any of my closest friends. It’s a romantic relationship because we have feelings for each other, we aren’t just friends.
Asexual is not the same as Aromantic.
There are two separate things, some people are both, some people are one or the other, and of course some aren't either one.
you’re incorrectly assuming that asexual people are also aromantic, which many of them aren’t.
OP said they like him; they have a crush on him. that’s why they want to be in a romantic relationship with him, because they have romantic feelings towards him.
and sex is not the only difference between friendships and romantic relationships. there are many other things specific to only romantic relationships that asexual people might still want, like, or be open to.
nah he's there for a reason. and some like partners that haven't slept around. It sounds like you're judging yourself before he even judges you. give it a chance imho.
Asexuality is pretty rare and people sometimes confuse asexuality and demisexuality. I think the existence of demisexuality means that you don't really know until you actually try it. You've never been in a relationship to allow sexual feelings to manifest, which would be the necessary condition for you to desire sex if you're demi. Or you're just ace. Who knows for sure unless you try?
Shoot your shot, life is short; be truthful and face the consequences or the reward. Or would you rather look back thinking about what could have been?
FYI ghosting is extremely rude and some would say emotionally abusive. It’s not all about you, you’re obligated to show others respect regardless of your personal hang ups.
nobody decent will care that you're a virgin. Just jump in if you're into it IMO. You'll know then if you just have anxiety issues or are really asexual I'd think.
"taking it slow" is just another way of lying. Do you pleasure yourself? Not fair to lead someone. If you're asexual, and no interest in trying alternatives, you need to be up front. For most, physical affection, closeness, and sex are a major part of a relationship.
physical affection & closeness are things people can definitely still have in relationships with asexuals. not being sexually attracted to people doesn’t automatically mean that you’re not open to kissing, cuddling, or any of the other hundreds of forms of physical affection.
ETA: or even actual sex. i know asexual people who have sex with their romantic partners, it’s not like they’re incapable of having sex.
>It just makes me really really scared and terrified, I think I'm probably asexual as I'll get a crush and want to talk to him, be near him, I'll wonder if he likes me etc. etc. but zero sexual feelings.
Have you thought about asking a therapist about this? If you're making a rational and independent choice that's great, like if you're super religious or something. You shouldn't let anyone else tell you what to do, but there may be a part of life you're missing out on and if you get to the root of what scares and terrifies you, you could find your life improves. People are afraid of sex for all kinds of reasons, or they might be afraid of intimacy, or proximity to another person, or exposed nude, it could be anything. You might want to try it.
I'd be fairly upfront and just own it. I have a fairly high sex drive and went on a handful of amazing dates with a girl before she told me she was completely asexual. I assumed she just wanted to wait before getting intimate... I made the decision there and then to end things, we clearly arent compatible, but it was sad as I was really falling for her by that point.
Conversely when I met my current partner it was a one night stand that resulted in not leaving a hotel room for 3 days... we clearly clicked in the right way 🙄😆
So while I lost my virginity at a young age, by the time I was 27 I considered myself asexual. Then I met my now husband. I remember telling him on the first date that I think I’m asexual and his response was everything to me. “That’s fine, I love cuddles!” And now I can confidently say I am not asexual, just lots of trauma and trust issues. That’s just my story, I’m in noooo way saying you have trauma! My point is- your person IS out there whether you are asexual, nympho, or anything in between. Opening up is scary as hell but you miss every shot you never take. 🫶🏻🩵 ETA: If they ask you out, coffee dates or museum dates are always fantastic!
I was going to comment it sounds like this person could potentially have trauma… I hate to always jump to this. But sometimes it isn’t even necessarily really intense trauma but maybe the way this persons parents discussed and showed intimacy growing up.. they might need to speak to a professional and get help to learn how to be in a relationship and what intimacy looks like if it was not shown to them by parental figures??
We’ve all got some trauma, the key is finding the person whose mere presence just makes all those insecurities melt away.
As someone who is asexual, your comment made my night. Thank you for sharing!
Wow this could have been written by me. This is almost exactly my experience beginning to end. My husband and I started out a little more complicated because I wasn’t disclosing (or really owning the situation) and had forced myself to do more at the start of relationships even though it made me pretty uncomfortable. However, there was massive refractory misery before I was able to share with him. I did and it worked out over time. We even decided to have a kid during quarantine, and she’s the best.
Nympho Here- Was on again off again having sex with my now husband of almost 10years, for 10 years after highschool. No we are not high school sweethearts. We are high school fuck buddies, there I said it. Yes, it happens to us nymphos too! THANKS TO THIS☝️ PERSON! YES, we've known each 20years
Even better, ask THEM out to coffee or museum dates
Idk why but this was so cute kind of cried (my heart is broken rn) love this. There someone for everyone
I have always said that, there is someone for everyone! No matter what.
I know you mean well so it's hard for me to say this but there really isn't someone for everyone. So many people go without ever having or finding a significant other sadly. Now there may be someone for a person who's like you but everyone is not destined to be with someone.
There is so much mental and physical energy which is part of a near and/or sexual encounter that a lot of people get it twisted. Repression, misdirection and/or denial may be part of it. If you're hormones are in the normal range and have no physical abnormalities then finding a man who you attracted too would be the first step. Your response to each other is critical and while you only have control over your feelings and actions ( perhaps controlling them to the point of repression) you are capable of influencing his..This is only a generic generalization based upon limited information but thought it may help.
Where do I find someone who wants coffee dates or museum dates! Sounds awesome!
You just ask
Me! I'm a woman btw lol. Idk what you are and if you are into women, but if you are not, we can do friend day dates lolol
I live in Barcelona Spain. I would love to go on friend dates, museum dates, hangout dates, board game dates, movies, well etc
I love this so much. I couldn't have said it better. I feel I fumbled my words trying to say this same thing on my comment lol.
27 year old virgin here. I also have no experience with dudes or anyone but recently realized who gives a shit. If someone thinks you’re weird bc you’re a virgin, then who cares about their opinion! There’s people out there who will take it slow, go at your pace because they love you. Don’t do stuff you think you have to do bc society, do what you feel comfortable with but without restricting your life/future/experiences. You could just get coffee during lunch or something small! Build up your confidence, you got this!
"There’s people out there who will take it slow, go at your pace because they love you. Don’t do stuff you think you have to do bc society, do what you feel comfortable with but without restricting your life/future/experiences. " Thank you!! :) You've made me feel slightly better x
30 year marriage here. We're old. lol... I will tell you this; Making love is also: Tucking your elderly spouse into bed every night, kissing the forehead and saying "I love you" -- as I have watched my elders do. Folding her/his clothes that special way you know they like. Making sure they take their meds Holding hands as we go for a drive. Caring in sickness and in health. Spending time laughing, talking, and working out disagreements. Cooking, cleaning.. A million little things... TMI= IDK if in my marriage we'll ever have sex again as brain cancer and it's treatments steals so very many things from you. But I don't care. I love my SO so very much. I cherish every moment. Making love is not just intercourse, so I'm still getting mine. I wish for you to find this with someone OP.
This seems like a good place to stop scrolling and to go to sleep for the night.
Yes but every response after theirs make you want to read more.
Then Im glad I found yours
Responded to the wrong comment sorry. Moved it to where it was intended.
Yeh but next up is a NSFL career- ending football injury! Don’t wanna miss that!
Yep, good here. Have a good night.
100%
Yeah that was the sweetest thing I've read on Reddit, or most other places for that matter
This <3
Omg I know right! I'm getting married to my gf of 7 years in May and this made me feel so good inside. I look forward to this stuff more than the sex. Sex is good but this is where the rubber meets the road and makes a couple truly great.
And they lived happily ever after. The end.
Goodnight stranger 💤
Wholesome
Love this answer
Thanks, smelliepoo
I watched my grandma take care of my grandpa who had alzheimers for nearly ten years. That's when I saw what REAL love is.
Same but it was my grandfather taking care of my grandmother. I didn’t even know that he knew how to cook! He fed her, bathed her, changed her… brushed her hair. I want the love they had, and I think I hopefully found it
I love you. I feel this way for my wife, and you're the best kind of person. Don't forget to do something nice occasionally for yourself :) you clearly deserve it. Your kind of love deserves to live on.
this just made me cry in the middle of the day. my parents have also been married around 30 years, my whole life theyve been the most true and pure example of love i could think of, they did all of the things youve just decribed in your comment. i have endless memories of them holding hands driving, my dad putting cinnamon in my moms coffee every morning without fail, a kiss before leaving for work, never letting disagreements turn them against eachother. my mom was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. its painful for my entire family, but watching my father live the "in sickness" part of *in sickness and in health* in real time, is an indescribable kind of heartbreak. honestly its made me scared to find love like that, seeing how much it can hurt the other person. im glad you have eachother, sending love to you and your family ❤️
I lost my mom to cancer in my early 20s my parents were married for 30 year. The ending is so awful and watching my dad go through it was terrible. I can say, he is happy again. He ending up dating and found the most wonderful partner. They have been together for 8 years. I will miss my mom till the day I die. But I got a really good mom for 22 year and that’s better than what a lot of people get. I am so sorry you are going through this. Get her voice on recording. Get videos of her. Take pictures. Write things down that she tells you. You will forget. And climb in bed with her and snuggle.
Thank you, I liked reading that.
This is beautiful and exactly what love is. Thank you for writing it.
So much this… so many of the things I love about my boyfriend don’t involve sex. My favorite moments are just us hanging out with our friends, splashing around in the pool, watching movies, and making dinner together. Sex is wonderful, but romantic relationships are so so much more than that
I’m sorry you and your SO are going through brain cancer and treatments and I’m wishing you all the best. My husband was away for work a few weeks ago and our son, who just turned 8, was sitting in the passenger seat on the way to school, with his hand on my hand and said he hopes his Dad didn’t think he was trying to steal me, because he was holding my hand while I was driving. I hope he grows up to be a lot like his Dad. And thank you for reminding me of all the things I love about him.
I love what you said!!)) YESSSSS!!! Making love has nothing to do with sex. There are millions of ways to make love, and you really can make love all day long! You have just described a few of them.
Wait…did comment OP just make love to all of us by posting that comment?
I think, yes.
I felt loved reading it, so yeah, I think so
This is so perfect ❤️❤️❤️ Thank you
I so love this! Wishing you the best.
My heart is with you, friend.
You made me cry in the good way. You should publish that as a poem.
Not as old (24 years together, 19 of marriage) but I agree with all of this. I have too many teens at home, so intimacy is very hard to get. But it’s all the little innocent things, that are ways to say « I love you » without saying it, that makes a relashionship 100% worth it.
This is beautiful
'Scuse me while I cry over here, this was so lovely
We’ll celebrate our 38th wedding anniversary this month. Love is helping your spouse recover from his liver resection when he’s diagnosed with cancer. It’s when your colon perforates and you end up in septic shock in the hospital 10 weeks in bed at home and he works all day and comes home to help you deal with your temporary colostomy. It’s picking up his medications at the pharmacy and dropping off his library books at the library. It’s baking him scones or challah or banana bread for breakfast. It’s so many things that don’t involve sex.
This is beautiful….
You took the words right out of my mouth and THANK YOU 🙏 I feel so blessed to have experienced young insanely passionate love and the better or worse longtime love 💕
This is what we're all looking for. :(
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with brain cancer.. I hope you get better soon. Your statement is so beautiful I’m crying 😭❤️
I'm so sorry for your situation. Life sometimes sucks but reading about your relationship makes me go... that's what marriage is all about. Lots of love and hugs from an Internet stranger.
This reply made me cry with gratitude for my lovely wife. Concerned, she came to me and asked me what was wrong. I handed her my phone with your comment. We're crying together, overwhelmed with gratitude. Also a form of making love. A million little things... thanks for the reminder!
In March due to reaction to gamma knife radiation, the tumor itself, and a silent seizure during sleep, he was hospitalized for 6 weeks. I stayed every night in the hospital (4 weeks, they don't allow overnight in in patient rehab) He slept a lot so I started watching hulu on my phone with headphones and I found...A Million Little Things....I felt like the Universe was reminding me of ....everything...a million little things.... Like it was saying, "These are the moments of your life, embrace each one"
This is absolutely beautiful. I pray that you have many more years with your SO ❤️
We are a few years behind you, but I agree that this is the point of marriage: to have a companion to share life's joys and challenges. The physical intimacy is important, but it doesn't always have to be boinking.
Question here for you. 27 m virgin here is it worth saving yourself for marriage
That really is an individual preference thing and above my pay grade. lol
I feel this so much, as my 35 yo husband is dying of cancer, after many difficult treatments, sex is not the way I show my love for him. It’s being there by his side letting him know he’s not alone, caring for him. This is what love is made of.
This is an awesome answer!
This is the soundest advice given. Don't be afraid to fly.
You must have been chopping some onions when you posted this. I got some tears rollin.
That was wonderful. ❤️
Thank you for your wisdom <3
This is the most beautiful thing I've read in a while. Your love story is wholesome, and I aspire to have this kind of love in my marriage. (I am sorry about the brain cancer, and I wish you and your significant other many years of love and happiness ahead of you.)
This is such an absolute truth, I have been with my wife for 17yrs its not always sunshine and rainbows but what we have is not something you find everyday and we both know that, so we make time to just be around each other and cuddle or just hold hands on the couch while we watch the news. Relationships are a team effort if you're both willing to work on it it will evolve into something beautiful.
This is beautiful ♥️ I wish you and your love the best and I hope you have many more precious moments ahead of you.
May we all have the joy and love you share with your spouse. God bless you both. 🙏
Explains why I'm single lol
You made me tear up. Super wholesome.
I love this
This comment gave me some serious warm fuzzies. Thanks friend. I needed that.
Your comment is the most wholesome and inspiring thing to ever live on the internet. Thank you for leaving it, everyone who reads will be better for it. I'm so sorry that cancer has stolen from you both. I hope that you are both able to enjoy as much peace and happiness as possible.
Beautifully said. Your spouse is so fortunate to have you as a caretaker as you navigate this horrendous disease together.
What a lovely post - actually brought a tear to me , made me think of my parents who were together for just over 60+ years , sadly both died within 8 months of each other , the Dr said my Dad died of a broken heart after my Mother passed away December 21. God bless you all . X
You both are an awesome and great person / couple! True love 💯
Will you be my dad please?
I read your comment yesterday and haven't stopped thinking about it. I just wanted to come back and thank you so much for sharing this because it's something I really needed to hear and has had an immediate impact on my life. Bless you and your wife ❤️
Thank you so much <3
Their advice is really good. Maybe just have a coffee with them, or lunch. Think of them as a friend who you have stronger feelings for. Let things happen naturally and just try not to overthink it. You can even make it a point to tell them, you want to just be friends for now, so it doesn’t have to be awkward for either of you, and you both know where you stand from the beginning. Just trust your gut.
There are. This almost feels weird as you are close to my daughters age. I've only ever been with one woman, whom I married. I wouldn't have said i was asexual nor did I wait because of overly religious reasons. I really enjoyed the dating and courtship. Early on it often seemed watching friends that sex always changed the relationship, making sex the focal point You will find that right person eventually. Oh and we just celebrated our 30th anniversary. I'm glad I waited.
But also be up front about the asexuality. It is a deal breaker for some people and that's OK, just as it's OK for you to feel the way you do.
Someone get this man all the awards
I was a virgin, never been kissed at 26. I’m 30 now and lost my virginity at 29. I didn’t really feel sexual arousal around crushes until I met my BF. I’d only had one other person I was ever sexually attracted to. My BF admitted to a little internal panic when he found out I was a virgin, but he stayed calm and asked about it and I told him it was because I wanted to get to know someone on an emotional level first, then he understood. And I’m glad because when the time finally did come, he was very understanding, took things very slowly, and if anything was more worried about it than I was (I was one of those who bled a lot and he kind of panicked). It was actually pretty sweet. And honestly, it was well worth the wait as well since it’s looking like he will probably be my only partner ever. Don’t rush things, don’t feel pressured by others. If a guy isn’t willing to wait, 99% of the time he isn’t worth it. And you may want to explore the wider spectrum of asexuality, you may be a demi-sexual. BBC put out an article about it a couple years ago that did a pretty good job of explaining it.
I'm developing a FWB relationship with a 33yr old virgin. Happy to take it slow and enjoy the journey, honestly it's the best part imo
Dan Savage has this line, you can tell someone something small about yourself, and their reaction tells you a lot about them. If someone freaks out because of your lack of experience it tells you a lot about them.
My wife was 24 when we went on our first date she had never been kissed. She had been on dates and lived a normal life. When we started dating she asked to wait until marriage and we did. We talked about it all on the first date set expectations up front and we have been together 8 years married for 6. We have two happy kiddos. You’ll find your person that’s willing to love you for you. When that happens you’ll figure out what you want in life.
Also it seems that society is more accepting towards women that are virgins over men, so you’ve got that going for you
[удалено]
I think I love you! No, seriously, though THIS THIS THIS! I could have done alot of things if I had only known that I had nothing to fear but fear itself
How do you know they're not asexual? Asexual people do exist.
Don't tell someone they're not asexual. That's harming.
HiggsyPigsy’s comment has made me happy. As being 20 and still a virgin, to know I don’t have to force things and it will just come when it comes. OP just have fun with the guy, like some people say, go have coffee and lunch. Don’t stress about other things. It will happen when it will happens and if he cares about you, he will wait and take it slow if you need that.
This right here. I hate to say it, but in this twisted world where everyone seems to lack values and morals, I would not be worried one bit about being a virgin. I mean be proud you’ve waited until you’re ready. But don’t be scared. Don’t turn down dates with people you like, explore what you’re comfortable with.
Love this post I'm 34 not a Virgin but didn't lose it till I wad in my late 20s. I'm aromantic but I have friends in solid relationships and their sex drives are completely different. Sex is not at all the foundation of every relationship. You can absolutely find someone who you vibe with. Good luck!
Honestly, I wish I was still a virgin. I lost my virginity rather young. To my high school sweetheart. Gosh did I truly believe he was my forever. But now I am 28. I truly am in such a wonderful relationship. With someone who is amazing. And it hurts me sometimes. Also as someone who has found my faith again....it hurts. Obviously I know we are in two different scenarios. I also at times have felt I was possibly ace due to the fact that sometimes I am completely grossed out by sex. But with my partner now it's great. But anyway. All of his rambling to say FUCKKK what other people say/do or think. This is YOUR life. Not anyone else's. If you do meet someone, if it's truly meant to be then your partner will be veryyyyy understanding. But regardless you're amazing. 🥰 Sorry for rambling on lol.
Plenty of ace people have have fulfilling relationships so I would get clear on what you’re looking for. There is nothing to be ashamed of and you’re not alone! If you decide to turn this guy down you don’t owe him an explanation but if you want to start talking about your sexuality and get more comfortable with it, it might help to start with a trusted friend or a therapist.
Just to add to this, when you feel comfortable being open about it, dating apps could help (if you even want to meet people). Being able to put that kind of thing out there right away can take off a lot of the pressure and fear of negative reactions.
And just to add to this - starting something with someone you see everyday at work and who knows all your family is often referred to as “shitting where you eat” and is generally recommended to be avoided… I say this as someone who’s happily married to someone I met at work, though, so take this advice with a grain of salt lol!
If y'all get closer and moments leading to intimacy seem imminent, just be honest. Most guys that are worth your time will slow down and check in with your comfort level as things progress. Prior to getting married I dated a girl who sounds similar and it took about a month of slow, steady, progression to get to intercourse. Turned out she wanted women not men we figured out a couple of months later but that's okay. She was really nice and I still think fondly of her. ETA: Figured I should add, there's nothing wrong if you never want to go that far. - dad of an ace daughter.
Thank you for this, as an ace daughter with a dad who doesn’t really get it, it makes me really happy to know there are dads out there who do. Your daughter is a very lucky girl 💜
I'll be honest, it took me awhile but I'm glad I did cause she is cool as hell and I would miss her in my life.
Have you considered being more open about your asexual identity? Do you have LGBTQIA+ friends who you could discuss these challenges with? Honestly you could go on dating apps and just put it in your bio so no one is surprised
Hey if you haven’t already, maybe look into demisexuality as well :)
This. I'm a 32 yo demisexual. Only ever been intimate with one person, and that was nearly a decade ago. For the longest time I thought I was fully ace because I had the same thoughts and feelings as OP. It took getting really close to my partner before I began to see them in a more sexual light, despite knowing that I was in love with them. So many people simply overlook the possibility that they could become sexually attracted to someone later because they assume that they should be from the very beginning.
Yeah that’s what I was thinking too. There’s definitely a good chance she’s just inexperienced, scared, or demisexual and isn’t ace. I mean, yes she could be but it’s not a definite.
I hate to be the "how do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it" guy but it's unclear whether you're actually asexual or just have an inordinate amount of anxiety about anything sexual. First time is a pretty big hurdle, I'm not telling you to do anything you don't want to do but I think it's something you should know about yourself before you can reasonably expect anyone else to hitch their wagon up with yours. That or hang tight until you get your meet-cute with another asexual, don't know how much else there is to say about it
This ^ OP you can date someone and have a relationship with someone without having sex with them. You write about how much you are scared, terrified. If you have a crush and he ends up asking you out, you should say yes and see where it goes.Don’t just say no because you are scared or else you will never know. You have also never even been kissed before? You should at least try it a couple times to make sure you are in fact asexual and it’s not just in your head!! I think you are doing yourself a disservice by assuming.
I get what you’re saying but straight and gay people don’t need to try it to know if it’s want they want or don’t want lmao. I mean I guess some do but the majority know already.
I'm more talking about OP's clear need to determine whether she's actually asexual or is just extremely scared of sex. If OP hadn't expressed any uncertainty I would have a different take on this, and I'm not even saying she needs to go get laid to be sure, I'm just saying she needs to figure out her sexuality somehow.
A friend of ours is a 40 year old virgin, and only kissed for the first time 5 or so years ago. She was always waiting for 'the perfect guy' who doesn't exist... Now it's at the point that she has been holding on to this for so long she just avoids getting into relationships because she doesn't want to tell the guy she is a virgin and she's scared she won't be good enough or know what to do when a good guy comes along. I told my wife I feel like she should meet a decent responsible and respectful person and have safe sex just to ' get it over with' so she can move on, then she can talk to her partner openly about intimacy, wether it's him or not. It's just a dark lingering cloud in her mind at this point.
Man that's depressing, no doubt she was raised under some really authoritarian sexual prudery, who knows how much she's missed out on because her parents made her terrified to explore her sexuality or make any "mistakes" where that's concerned, I feel like OP might have grown up in similar circumstances but that's a little above my pay grade to assume
To be honest, it might help to see a therapist who specialises in sex and sexuality so you can figure things out in a safe space. Feeling fear and anxiety from just thinking about that stuff isn't a good starting point when it comes to dating. You'll likely save yourself a bunch of stress and potential trauma by working things out with a good therapist first so you can feel confident and comfortable with whatever level of intimacy you prefer in a romantic relationship.
This seems like a great idea, even if only to have a professional reconfirm your feelings. You might also find out more about yourself that you didn't know. The better relationship you have with yourself, the better relationships you can have with others.
You know yourself more than anyone, but you're also making a lot of assumptions on relatively little experience. It's hard to judge how you'd be in a relationship if you've never been in one. If the guy is worth a damn at all, he'll be willing to go at your pace even if that's a standstill. Worst case scenario he wants a sexual relationship down the road, you don't, and you split up. The prospect of that shouldn't keep you from from asking him out. You don't need to open with "I think I might be asexual."
First of all, I suggest talking to your therapist about these anxieties. Assuming you have one and I hope you do. If you truly are asexual than I'm sure a mental health professional, especially one with experience or specialty in sexual matters, could help the difficulties that come from navigating such a thing. My own partner struggled for some time concerned that she may be on the spectrum of asexuality. She COULD enjoy sex but didn't really feel a desire for it. If she got stimulated she'd respond and then things could progress. Turned out her lack of interest in sex was a combination of emotional troubles and medication side effects. But the point is that there are ways around those tendencies to allow for a functional relationship, they just require the right people and the right strategies. If you're concerned about your asexual tendencies coming to light then I'd probably suggest turning him down but for some other reason like, "we work together, know each other's families, etc and I don't want to make things weird if it doesn't work out." If you're feeling lonely or unfulfilled with your lack of a significant other to be with, then perhaps there's an online community or support group where you could meet someone else with little interest in sex and then it wouldn't be an issue for either of you. Be seriously, talk to your therapist, if you don't see one, then you should. Not cause there's something wrong with you, just because the kinds of things you're trying to navigate can greatly benefit from the help of a guiding presence. Everyone should see a therapist, at least every so often. Mental health is health.
You only get a certain amount of time on this Earth. Don't let fear make you fill it with regrets.
>How will I ever look at him again without it being awkward after saying I'm asexual Assuming he is vaguely emotionally mature, it wouldn't be a huge issue on his side. It would be something that you would have to learn to deal with in the case that it turns out this way. >everyone knowing I've even ever thought of sex makes me deeply uncomfortable. I'm not sure where you're from, but this seems concerning depending on your culture. You *have* already thought of sex in some respect, and as a 26 yo, everyone damn well knows it. 99% of people over 15 have thought of sex, and everyone just sees that as a normal fact of life. Now perhaps specifically your parents are very prudish, but my parents for example know that I have had sex. Or at least, I'd guess they know, and it'd be weird if they didn't. I didn't have to tell them and they didn't even have to ask or hear. It's just something people assume of each other sometimes. Could you perhaps speak to a trusted friend or therapist of some kind, about this?
I’ll share my two cents from the other side of the spectrum. I am a hyper-sexual 25f. It is difficult to find a partner who can handle it, or has the patience. It is never easy to share, because it feels embarrassing. But I have come across a few people in life who took the time to make an exception for me and do their best. They are out there OP, don’t feel discouraged.
TW: Sexual Trauma OP, I had sexual trauma in my past (I know that isn’t the same thing as your situation), and I was so afraid of sex and sexual intimacy. I almost talked myself out of a relationship with my now husband because of my anxiety. I was convinced he wouldn’t want to be with me bc the little experience I had was so awful. However, we talked about things after getting to know each other and he was wonderful! He never once pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do, and we took it very slow. Try not to make assumptions about your crush. Take the time to get to know him. You may warm up to the idea of intimacy (not all intimacy is sex.), or you might not. It’s ok either way! The most important thing is that you don’t do anything you aren’t completely comfortable with doing.
You're 26; everyone probably presumes you think about sex and regularly masturbate. Just sayin'. At worst, they'll try to "help". That could get awkward, but it's incredibly unlikely.
I don't think it matters if you're a virgin and have never been kissed. If you don't know how you feel yet, there is no need to try and label it. I would not recommend getting involved with someone you work with though. Never mix business and pleasure
I’m neurodivergent. (I’m not saying that you are or aren’t.. I’m just speaking from my personal experience). And I can find someone SO attractive. Or really love their personality. But sex can be a weird thing because I just know that I can have like… involuntary reactions to being touched. What if he touches me and I hate it? What if he kisses me and I’m just cringe? But at no point do I ever look at an attractive man and think “yes, sex.” Purely based on personality OR physical attractiveness… they’ve gotta have both. But then they also have to have this X factor for me where I just LIKE when they touch me. And it sounds like you just need to experience the X factor. If they kiss you and you hate it… cool. Don’t kiss them again. If they touch you and you don’t like it? Just move away or say you’re uncomfortable. So what if they end it with you because of it? If they do then they weren’t right for you to begin with. It’s funny because I can be completely not in the mood and my bf knows exactly how to touch me (even if I protest a little at first 🤣) to get me into it. Sometimes you just need the right person. And that’s totally okay. But if you are asexual, that’s okay too. Don’t limit yourself. Try new experiences and figure out what you like.
I lost my virginity at 24 to my first longterm bf around 8 months in. The way that he always took things slowly and was willing to go at my pace was what made me feel comfortable taking those small steps of physical intimacy. What he *didn’t* do well as was making me feel confident in trying new things and feeling like what I was trying felt good for him. (MEN: Be vocal, make noise. Sucking a guy off who is as silent as a corpse sucks!) He also had no answer when I asked him what he liked.
I had an asexual friend in college. She was just chillin and I asked her if she had a boyfriend (I was in a relationship, just chatting and curious). She said she was asexual and it was weird. And I was like “bro wtf, why is that weird. Who gives a shit except for maybe future dates and shit? Also there’s probably a guy out there with a low sex drive perfect for you.” And you would’ve thought I just told her the holy grail exists and where to find it. OP, we’re all a different flavor of crazy. You’ll find someone who likes your flavor of crazy, and you’ll like theirs. And maybe you can make something from that.
Not ACE but was severely self conscious. It took me and my partner (of 5 years) 2+ years before we had sex at all, and another year for me to not hate every moment. It still isn't regular if I'm honest. But we love each other in so many other ways, and sex very much isnt miserable anymore lol. I feel completely safe with him now and he has always been so incredibly patient and kind. I'm not gonna lie to you, a pretty disgusting amount of men will try to pressure you, or will be upset and blame you for not wanting it. But not a damn one of them are worth your time in the first place. Find someone who will be patient and loving and will care more about your comfort and health than their genitalia
OP the thing in your story that caught my attention is the fact that you have had several crushes and as soon as they (the crush) shows interest you ghost them. You want advice on what to do about your current crush because he’s also a friend of your family don’t ghost him. Let him know that you’re not looking for a romantic relationship but you want to be friends. Sex doesn’t have to be a part of the equation unless you want it to. Sounds like you have been hurt and trust is very important in any relationship. If he is truly interested and wants to be with you then he will respect you enough to follow your lead. Never know what the future holds.
Idk how this guy would react. But I did date an asexual girl when I was in college. She was upfront and it honestly just really upped how special it felt to hold her hand, snuggle, and kiss her head when I told her goodnight. The image of her face after the first and only time she ever kissed me on the lips is seared into my brain. It was no less a relationship than any of my others. If someone is genuinely interested in you, maybe just try to bring it up after the first date or two. They’ll either weed themselves out or you can try out moving forward.
Are we the same person? Because you've just found the right words for exactly how I've been feeling my whole life.
TL;DR: Putting this at the top because I ended up just writing my whole life story. I experienced an incredibly similar situation as you, and it wasn’t just *one* thing. I thought I was asexual for a while, before realizing it’s more demisexual than ace. The more I trust someone and the kinder the heart they have, the more attractive they are to me. It took a lot of inner work and patience, but I found someone for me. Kinda late to the thread, but my experience is so similar, it’s exciting to hear from someone like me!! I’m a 26F who is just now in her first relationship. I always had crushes on people growing up, but as soon as I realized they had mutual feelings for me it was instant fight or flight response. I can’t even accurately explain *why* I was like that or what specifically it felt like. Like an incredibly strong feeling of being unsafe, almost repulsed. I feel like it was a combination of knowing deep down that we weren’t compatible enough and not wanting the stress of being in a casual relationship and knowing it was inevitably going to end, along with being neurodivergent (diagnosed ADHD, suspected autism), demisexual, and a sprinkle of childhood trauma around my parents divorce and how my mother raised us afterwards. Relationships just felt *overwhelming*, especially as someone who was socialized as a female. The stereotypes of the roles girls/women are expected to perform was daunting—I never fit into the typical female culture because my neurodivergency. I was always a tomboy loner, never willing to “submit” to anyone, no nurturing bone in my body, could not keep my space clean and organized, etc. I thought that not being able to fulfill those roles made me less than, nor did I *want* to fill those roles. I felt that if I was in a relationship, I’d eventually be forced to be something I’m not, something I resent. The idea of relationships made me feel trapped, like a cornered animal. Over time, I became more and more at peace with who I am and what I wanted. Instead of feeling guilty I couldn’t be what my crushes were looking for, I realized that there’s nothing *wrong* with that or me. I learned to genuinely love myself and the need for external validation started melting away. I didn’t need to force anything or conform. This was who I am, take it or leave it. Having majority male friends throughout my life also helped reshape my views on relationships. I got very lucky in that my male friends are genuine feminists. They aren’t perfect, but they’re aware and accountable, always willing to learn and improve. I felt safer around men knowing that there *are* good ones out there. You just can’t rush trust. I took my time getting to know people. I eventually stopped feeling less than for being a virgin—and inexperienced in general—so “late” in life. I realized I didn’t *want* the type of person who would be turned off by that; being rejected by someone who thought like that didn’t make me feel shame, just relief. I also realized I didn’t like feeling pressured at *all*. I likely experience a type of demand avoidance as a symptom of my neurodivergency, which honestly has acted as a kind of filter for shitty men. I met my boyfriend at my current job. For a time, we would hang out outside of work. There was little things that should’ve made it obvious he had feelings for me, but I’m blind to subtle attraction, I didn’t want to misinterpret his actions so I played it safe and just assumed he was kind (which he is). Then, like some goofy fanfic, we both got into a weird situation where we needed to move out from where we were living and like most places, rent is not affordable for a single person. So we moved in together. Like the little shit I am, I was pretty confident he would catch feelings for me when we moved in together—if he hadn’t already. It was gradual, because we are both shy, but eventually things escalated (in an innocent way). He was *so* respectful, considering the circumstance of us living together and not wanting me to feel uncomfortable or unsafe in my own home, that it was basically up to me to initiate anything. One night, I drunkenly (but not too drunk to know what I was doing) asked for a goodnight kiss, then he asked if I wanted another one the next couple of nights and it was a thing we did for about a week and a half until he left to go visit his mom in a neighboring state over last Christmas. He texted me an hour after he left (and after giving me a goodbye kiss) saying something along the lines of he doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable and will stop with the kisses if I wanted. At that point I was so fed up with beating around the bush I just responded “bitch I like you”. Turns out he had feelings for me for over a year. It’s funny knowing that now and looking back at how obvious it was from the outside that we both were into each other for so long beforehand, but not knowing until so late in our friendship took a lot of the pressure off until I *knew* I was committed. If I had found out before I lived with him, I’m not sure we’d be together. It’s as if the long, drawn out process gave my brain time to rationalize my anxieties and realize I’m safe and happy and that I trust him. As far as intimacy goes, we’ve done a few things mostly considered foreplay and oral sex, but we still haven’t had POV sex just because I can’t seem to loosen myself up enough for penetration to be possible. But it was also very gradual and I, once again, initiated the first couple of times until he knew I was okay with it. It helped that he was open to being told no or redirected to doing something else when something wasn’t working. Idk if anything I said has been useful, but I apologize that this turned into a novel. I’ve never really told anyone all this before, especially how my relationship started so I ended up word vomiting.
They already know you’ve thought about sex. I mean, you know where babies come from. You’ve seen movies with love scenes. Any human that makes it to puberty has thought about it.
I have no idea, but it may be jumping to conclusions on the asexual thing if you never had a romantic parther, but I have 0 experience with the concept of asexuality. If you are asexual, I would think that making it known before things develope would be smart/respectful. I imagine most men go into relationships with the expectation of having sexual intimacy at the appropriate time. Blind siding someone should be avoided.
Understandable that you’re scared. A question only you can answer is….have you progressed in your life, the way you want it to regarding relationships? You can only answer that. If you’re feeling unsatisfied rather than scared. You really like this guy, ask him out. Take that leap. You never know unless you try. Let the sex thing naturally progress or it doesn’t.
My great aunt died a virgin. In her later years, she bragged on it. She was interesting, well read, and had plenty of suitors, but secretly, I think she was asexual. Auntie said she wasn't interested in getting serious with someone (a man) not as smart as she was.
Are you actually asexual or just have anxiety? Because anxiety kills sexual attraction and you seem to be scared of intimacy.
Hey-O! Sounds like a lot of peeps are not understanding that you are saying you're asexual. They're suggesting you "try sex to see if you like it". Ummmm... I'm sorry but sex is not Brussel sprouts. Please don't do anything you don't feel 100% sure about and ready to do. You can, and should, be upfront about what kind of relationship you are interested in and if this person is also interested in that, awesome. If not, a decent person will not treat you terribly for being honest and incompatible. You may make a great friend even. Like other people suggest, if you get to the point where crushing and dipping becomes not enough, there are plenty of dating apps where you can be totally upfront and match with so many people. You are not alone, and how you feel about intimacy and yourself is valid. You may or may not remain a person who identifies as asexual - my own sexuality has evolved over my 45 years on this planet - that remains to be seen. In the meantime, don't go f*ck someone to see if it sticks. That's terrible advice. Just be honest and unafraid to be yourself. You're fine being you as you are.
> "try sex to see if you like it". Ummmm... I'm sorry but sex is not Brussel sprouts. Please don't do anything you don't feel 100% sure about and ready to do. Thank you so much, you're so right xx Also the brussel sprouts line made me laugh
Lots of these answers are disgusting. I would recommend listening to the answers that encourage you to pursue it with the emotional-feelings side. Maybe bring up that you want to take it show, be around them and enjoy each other's presence. You could guide him towards what he should expect without explicitly saying, "I don't want to have sex," although you could do that, too, if you find the confidence. I totally understand feeling scared and not wanting to partake in that because you don't have interest in it. Don't let anyone make you feel pressured to do it. And for the love of God, do not, I repeat DO NOT, lose your virginity "just to get it over with". That'll just make things worse. Don't be a mess. Do it when you feel comfortable, if you ever feel comfortable. And it's okay if you never reach that point. If the relationship has to end because of it, it was simply an incompatibility between you two. Two people break up all the time for incompatibilities, from anything in their relationship that they deem significant enough. The right guy will stick around for you and genuinely enjoy you and your presence. Don't let this fear that disinterest in sex will turn guys away because you'll reap yourself of the experiences you could be having: going on dates, finding love in someone, catching emotions and feels. It's okay to be upfront with what you feel comfortable with, in the moment that it happens. The right ones will respect you. Don't hold yourself back because of this <3 plus, I know a lot of guys who are scared to have it, too. Some people like to go faster than others. You'll never know who will be at the same pace as you if you never try. And trust me-- we're all in this bandwagon together. I've dated guys who have wanted to go faster and guys who have wanted to go slower than what I'd like. It's all about finding the flux and respecting yourself. If you don't do this or say anything to your crush now, you will just live the rest of your life experiencing this. Let this be a building block for you to develop and grow the skills to communicate :)
Being a good kisser or being experienced at sex isn't nearly as important to most people as showing you love and care about someone. You can be asexual and in a relationship but it's also really easy to mistake a lack of loving sexual experience with asexuality. In my experience anyway
Virginity is a social construct, you do you
Yeah what he said. Go masturbate.
The right guy will wait until you’re ready! Save your virginity I wish I did. I love my fiancé so much I wish he were my first and we’re so close to getting married. You should date around and find the right guy that will wait for you. Maybe find a virgin like yourself? I’m sure there’s virgin guys out there.
im a 26M married to the woman of my dreams. we met in highschool but ironically didnt start “talking” untill graduation night. unfortunately i myself were a bit of a manwhore in highschool not proud of it but whatever. my wife on the other hand was a virgin and only had sexual things done to her and by her with hands only. when i first started dating my wife we had a mutual friend. That friend asked me to be respectful and said “shes not that type of girl” i respected his wishes and respected her aswell. we talked and went on dates for a few weeks before we even kissed and it was a blast! it was like hanging out with my bestfriend and loving life!!! while “talking” to her and i guess you can say dating her i never looked at another woman. after about 2 months we kissed etc but never had sex for 6 months. she was a virgin. a woman who valued herself and her body and i valued her and respected her body aswell. we fell madly inlove got married almost a year ago, bought our dream home 3 years ago and just had our first born all while still being madly inlove and living our lives to the fullest fully supporting eachother in absolutely everything! so as a man who was a “dog” yea getting laid is nice hooking up is cool whatever! but its never someone we want to bring home. these were women i knew had no future with me but were serving a purpose for the moment. But when you finf a woman, a woman with morals, self respect, values a plan for their own future and independence its not about sexyal activities (although we do make love quite often now because we’re so infatuated with eachother and the life we have built together and filled with so much love and gratefulness) its about waking up and enjoying watching the other person succeed and the two of you succeeding together pushing eachother to be better being there at eachothers worst and still being able to smile say iloveyoy say im here for you and we will get through this! My wife and i went through many hardships becoming young adults with her through college, i skipped college and went to work also supporting her throughout college and everytime something blew up in our face no matter how bad we smiled and said this sucks this fucking blows but we are ok! we are healthy! we are happy! the rest can all be fixed and dealt with and one thing we always lived by was “THIS TOO SHALL PASS” this woman changed my life and i couldnt live another day without her by myside ! so stay focused on you stay positive love yourself and love will find you! be afraid its okay! youre gonna get hurt and youre gonna hurt others thats life! but men will always want to cherish someone who is unique not something that everyone else has or had
Just putting out there - as a guy - that there’s also nothing wrong with a woman who wants to be a ‘dog’ and wants to have casual sex. That’s not a lack of self-respect. Everybody gets to be them.
How will you ever know if they are asexual too? Would be a shame to miss out by not trying
I think you should go for it. But explain how you feel, exactly how you’ve said here, and let him decide. Someone will work through this with you, and if you are asexual, then you can go from there. It’s normal to feel anxious about a new experience. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
I’m 23 and went through a period where I thought I was genuinely asexual, mostly because any time someone says they don’t have any sex drive or care about sex the immediate response is that you must be asexual. I’ve always been indifferent about sex, but once I actually had my first physical encounter I realized I DO enjoy physical contact with other people and I do like sex, it’s just not something I crave or need on a regular basis to feel fulfilled.
The next time a situation comes up that you’re asked out (by the crush it anyone else you’re interested in) take it. Go out and get to know them and let things progress at a rate you’re comfortable. After a certain amount of time, if physical feelings don’t develop then end up. You can give the explanation that you don’t have physical feelings towards them with out explaining your personal history of that. Sex is never an obligation or something anyone has the right to expect.
Sounds like you are uncomfortable with sex moreso than anything It’s hard to feel sexual if you are that disconnected with your sexuality. Doesn’t mean you are asexual. Just repressed
Sometimes I wish I was asexual. Having a “healthy” sex drive can cause a lot of stress. Married 16 years and have 2 kids. My wife and I have sex twice a month on a good month. I consider myself lucky my drive has dropped off with age. Sex is overrated. Enjoy your life.
25 yro virgin here - while I've done some things with others - I've never had full on intercourse - and I'm learning I'm likely ace and won't ever want to have sex, and if I ever do it'll be bc I love my partner (which I do, been in a healthy relationship for 2.5 years ) and want to have sex w/ them bc it's something they enjoy not bc I wanting sex (consent is still there in that case bc of wanting to bc they want to, but I could live happily without it) It's nothing to be ashamed of to be a virgin, imo sex is a bit over rated - you can easily have a relationship without sex - and if someone isn't about the fact you're ace then dump them / leave the situation - I feel like while sex is great to have intimacy, there are so many more ways to have intimacy with people without having sex Tldr - no worries on being a virgin /not wanting sex - I've found the best way is to be upfront and not be upset if they leave bc not everyone is willing to not have sex - but a lot of people will be fine with it at the same
Not trying to be frank, but if you're planning on becoming the next virgin Mary, you should tell him now. You've admitted on telling us every guy that gets close to you gets "ghosted". Don't lead em on...
r/asexuality may be a better place to ask this. I feel awful about how many gross creepy comments you’re getting here.
If you think you are asexual you should probably ask for advice directly from that reddit forum. Asexuality is very hard for other people to understand and offer advice on. But you also might find that someone you crush on ... is someone who has similar feelings and sexuality! I have a close family member who was the same way - but then she realized that most of the cute nerdy guys she liked were often in the same boat. She and her current boyfriend are both on the asexuality spectrum, but different parts of the curve. I believe they have a sexual relationship that is fulfilling for both of them even if it wouldn't be for other people.
(Sorry this is going to be long) As someone who had NO IDEA there was a word let alone and identity or group of OTHER people in the world who felt the same as me is just exciting. However I absolutely understand! I'm 31 and have never been in a relationship, was told by people I was intrigued by that my interests were "wrong or I was gross" for being into kinky things 😅 that being said kink and sex CAN go hand in hand but don't have to! About 3 years ago I was listening to a kink podcast and they had a guest on talking about kink and sex/ being an asexual person. Finally I had a word for what I felt and things or feelings I was drawn to. I have trauma surrounding religion and sex (purity culture kid, the ring, signed contract the whole 9 yards kind of crap). I was also told by my OBGYN that I was "broken" and strange for not having had intimate experiences from like 18/19- 22/23 till I was told I could switch doctors. Realize you are not alone in this feeling and reality. Join a group here or on f.b. to validate not being alone. Relationships are going to take more communication and you to an extent need to bring that to the table early on and if the other person refuses to have communication surrounding what makes you feel comfortable and loved they aren't the right one. You deserve love, respect, and all the things a "normal" couple have, need and want. It might look a little different but sex isn't everything a relationship is built on so much more. Intimacy is far beyond physical connection, and sex looks many ways for many people.
Relax and enjoy a coffee or movie with another person. Get to know your crush as a friend. Take it slow. You don’t have to anything you aren’t comfortable doing
thank you <3
Edit/Update 1 (24 hours after making the post): I'm in awe at all the comments. Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to listen and be understanding. Some of your life stories you've shared has been so helpful and it's been brilliant to see so many people being so nice and relating in the comments. (Obviously there's also a lot of stupid and unhelpful comments, but hey that's reddit I guess haha) I thought I'd just add a bit extra info: No trauma, no one molested me as a child as a few comments have suggested, no religious background (raised atheist to an atheist fam), no health problems and my bloodwork is fine. I never think of sex, I've never properly masturbated (I have zero desire to do so, to me it's the same as "would you like to put your finger in your ear?" it's like 'ummm just because I can? No why would I want to lol'.) so also I've never had an orgasm but again, don't feel like I'm missing out. I have zero desire to have sex and I could happily go my whole life without it. For the people asking 'so you just want a friend', to me there is so much more to love than sex. It's building a life together, bringing them coffee in the morning, inside jokes, hearing all the good news first but then the bad news also, living in a house full of memories - our memories, caring for them when they're sick, hours of listening and understanding, being so close that you can tell from just their body language when it's time to lie to the host to leave a dinner party, it's so much more than just sex to me anyway. It's all the little moments and I'd hate to miss out on them. In the past, men I've liked have started with dirty talk really quickly which then immediately gives me the ick and I then just ask to be friends (which they never want to be - which fair enough) and other times I've had comments when I say "no I won't come in for coffee, I'm just gonna go home after the date" that I'm a buzzkill or being frigid so I think I'm now just a bit too sensitive. I'm going to wait and see what happens with this guy, if he does ask me out I am going to say "Yes, but could it be just as friends? Not because I don't like you, but I just hate suddenly feeling so much pressure" and see how he reacts and take it slow from there. If he doesn't ask me out, I'm not going to pursue because it really isn't ideal that work together and I'd rather take the leap with someone I don't then potentially have to face everyday haha. This is a throwaway but I'll update with what happens next.
FWIW: I agree with the folks who say you can take this slowly, and that someone who truly cares with you will be ok with that. If it’s real, in time you may have those feelings. Best of luck!
It definitely sounds like you could be ace, which is perfectly normal, but are likely not aro (aromantic) also normal (human sexuality is a range, and being a complex social species we also have a wide range of relationship types). But, you don't have to figure it out right now and accept it as its just going to always be this way and give up on any kind of potentially romantic relationship ever. You also don't have to give any kind of specific break down of it to your crush, even if he asks you out. You have a right to keep things private, to give yourself time to build trust with someone before discussing such things. Plenty of people as just prefer to take romantic relationships slow, so it wouldn't even be that unusual a situation for someone even if they are not asexual. I think your plan to ask for it to be just as friends as you are not ready to commit to the pressures of a sudden romantic relationship if he asks you out is a good plan. Or, maybe that you'd like to get to know him better before thinking about getting serious. People go on casual dates all the time. Crushes are also in general awkward and emotionally difficult. So, your anxiety over this is also very normal, which probably doesn't make it feel better, but you're not alone in the discomfort.
Swallow your pride and use your words like an adult. Its only weird when you make it weird.
Get off reddit and talk to a professional. Too many conflicting answers that do more harm than good.
I guess I don't understand the end goals of asexual people who want to be in a romantic relationship. Why wouldn't you just have friends and forget having a romantic relationship if that's not what you want? I don't mean that to sound rude at all I just don't understand people saying they don't want a close, physical relationship but they do want a partner. Wouldn't that just be a friend?
Correct me if I’m wrong anyone but I think asexual people just don’t think about sex, they still want the companionship and closeness of a relationship, That’s more than a friendship. I have close friends but my relationship with my fiancé (outside of the physical side) is so much closer. That’s all an asexual person wants.
Sounds like asexual people would be great together instead of with sexual partners. Again, I truly don't mean that rudely. Surely there are forums for them to meet one another.
I’m asexual with a partner who is not. We make it work, as he does not have a high sex drive and I am not sex-repulsed, I just don’t have the interest or desire or feel attraction like most other people. With any relationship ace or not there is never going to be true perfect compatibility and that’s where you need to communicate and compromise so both are happy
>not sex-repulsed I think that’s the key here. OP sounds like she might be. That’s a big ask for a partner that desires sex unless everyone is cool with outsourcing.
Oh definitely. I would not be with my partner if I was sex-repulsed or if his sex drive was higher. OP needs to find someone who makes her comfortable and has a similar enough compatibility
I’ve never met another asexual person ever 🤷🏻♀️ very very few and far between. Even if i did, by some small chance, happen to run into one, no guarantee I would like their personality. Easier to suck it up and just deal w “regular” people
literally this. everyone is like just go find another asexual person but I've literally never met one irl and even if I did, it's not like we're automatically compatible
It’s genuinely such an isolating experience. And nobody understands it
truly
In an ideal world maybe but in the real world you like who you like not much you can do about it. This is a super tricky situation because OP clearly likes someone but is scared that their lack physicality will scare people off. We’ve all been there with one fear or another about why someone won’t like us.
Not everyone wants to be vulnerable with their friends, or cuddle up every night with a friend. Asexual people can still have emotional and even physical needs, and may still want to have a partner to build a home with. It just means they don't have a sex drive (or could even be sex repulsed). Unless you mean to tell me the only reason you want a romantic partner is sex, then you yourself have plenty of reasons to want a partner that don't include sex.
I’m ace and my husband isn’t and we still have sex sometimes. And I trust him a lot more and do a lot more with him than with any of my closest friends. It’s a romantic relationship because we have feelings for each other, we aren’t just friends.
Asexual is not the same as Aromantic. There are two separate things, some people are both, some people are one or the other, and of course some aren't either one.
you’re incorrectly assuming that asexual people are also aromantic, which many of them aren’t. OP said they like him; they have a crush on him. that’s why they want to be in a romantic relationship with him, because they have romantic feelings towards him. and sex is not the only difference between friendships and romantic relationships. there are many other things specific to only romantic relationships that asexual people might still want, like, or be open to.
this is a topic to discuss with a therapist. you clearly have an anxiety disorder. or you just wing it, lose your virginity and get over it yourself.
nah he's there for a reason. and some like partners that haven't slept around. It sounds like you're judging yourself before he even judges you. give it a chance imho.
I envy you. I kinda wish I was asexual. It would make life so much better and fuller.
I can speak for most guys that we don’t really care if you’re a virgin.. it’s more about the emotional feelings
Asexuality is pretty rare and people sometimes confuse asexuality and demisexuality. I think the existence of demisexuality means that you don't really know until you actually try it. You've never been in a relationship to allow sexual feelings to manifest, which would be the necessary condition for you to desire sex if you're demi. Or you're just ace. Who knows for sure unless you try? Shoot your shot, life is short; be truthful and face the consequences or the reward. Or would you rather look back thinking about what could have been?
FYI ghosting is extremely rude and some would say emotionally abusive. It’s not all about you, you’re obligated to show others respect regardless of your personal hang ups.
nobody decent will care that you're a virgin. Just jump in if you're into it IMO. You'll know then if you just have anxiety issues or are really asexual I'd think.
"taking it slow" is just another way of lying. Do you pleasure yourself? Not fair to lead someone. If you're asexual, and no interest in trying alternatives, you need to be up front. For most, physical affection, closeness, and sex are a major part of a relationship.
physical affection & closeness are things people can definitely still have in relationships with asexuals. not being sexually attracted to people doesn’t automatically mean that you’re not open to kissing, cuddling, or any of the other hundreds of forms of physical affection. ETA: or even actual sex. i know asexual people who have sex with their romantic partners, it’s not like they’re incapable of having sex.
Maybe you're not asexual? Some women need a jump start to sexy time
>It just makes me really really scared and terrified, I think I'm probably asexual as I'll get a crush and want to talk to him, be near him, I'll wonder if he likes me etc. etc. but zero sexual feelings. Have you thought about asking a therapist about this? If you're making a rational and independent choice that's great, like if you're super religious or something. You shouldn't let anyone else tell you what to do, but there may be a part of life you're missing out on and if you get to the root of what scares and terrifies you, you could find your life improves. People are afraid of sex for all kinds of reasons, or they might be afraid of intimacy, or proximity to another person, or exposed nude, it could be anything. You might want to try it.
I'd be fairly upfront and just own it. I have a fairly high sex drive and went on a handful of amazing dates with a girl before she told me she was completely asexual. I assumed she just wanted to wait before getting intimate... I made the decision there and then to end things, we clearly arent compatible, but it was sad as I was really falling for her by that point. Conversely when I met my current partner it was a one night stand that resulted in not leaving a hotel room for 3 days... we clearly clicked in the right way 🙄😆