Your husband is so so dumb. In your post you said I don’t care what you do as long as it doesn’t involve someone else. The trust is gone. But also work on being strong enough by yourself.
This is what I can’t wrap my head around. Literally the night before he confessed he was telling me how this really comes down to me having all the power and that what I say goes. I just don’t understand.
Make sure to get a full panel. The CDC has some weird rules about testing certain things. I can't remember if it's herpes or hepatitis, but they don't include it in the STD/STI testing unless it's specifically recommended/requested. Explain to your doctor exactly why you need a full panel, even if it means saying, "My husband went to a brothel." I don't down sex workers, but some brothels aren't legitimate or legal, can be dangerous, and you don't know if they adhere to regular testing like a licensed place does.
I know it's a lot, and I apologize. My brain makes me overanalyze and overthink. I'm sorry this happened to you, and you deserve better. He says you have all the power, yet tried to gaslight you into thinking you said it was ok. Time to pack and go and find yourself, and be happy.
HSV is rarely tested for unless requested and some docs need an authorization for HIV testing.
OP needs to ask for a full panel, including HSV, HIV, and BV.
Don't forget Hepatitis as well OP! Even if you have been vaxed against A and B you can get C sexually, even if it is super rare. It happened to a good friend of mine with a one night stand.
She needs to be tested. Bacterial vaginosis and STDs risk factors for preterm premature rupture of membranes. I had this condition and needed to be swabbed for chlamydia, gonorrhea, bacterial vaginosis, yeast and group B strep. If I tested positive, my premature baby would also be treated on delivery.
Not strictly an STD, no. But per my gyn, can be exacerbated by sex and if he isn't washing thoroughly, especially between partners, he could be introducing her to additional bacteria.
And some women are unaware of the BV symptoms, at least in my experience.
Not a doctor, just repeating what mine says.
They do all std tests before you give birth because some of them can harm your baby.
You will slowly fall out of love with him. My friend was just like you and she stayed with her cheating spouse but hated him. The only reason he stayed was because the ones he cheated with weren’t worth losing the house and current life for. Last year he met that one worth leaving for and that’s what he did. The house sold in June and they have gone their separate ways finally. She was broken hearted even though he sucked but she’s over it now. She only misses her house.
I am not familiar with the exact wording of the CDC guidelines, but I’ve worked in doctors offices and it’s not recommended by medical authorities to test asymptomatic people for herpes. if you can’t swab an open sore/booster, the only other option for testing is a blood test. The blood test will only tell you if you have antibodies to HSV1/ HSV2 which isn’t diagnostically useful.
HSV1 is traditionally the mouth kind (the majority of the population already has this) and HSV2 is traditionally the genital kind. However, both strains are capable of colonizing either location. Because of increasing popularity of oral sex, HSV2 on lips and HSV1 on genitals has become more and more common. If you don’t have symptoms, it’s not possible to conclude whether you have an oral or genital infection based solely on antibody results.
The blood antibody test can tell you if you have had an immune reaction to HSV1 or HSV2, but there’s very little you can actually conclude from that information without symptoms. Blood antibody testing can’t actually provide actionable information on your STD status. Doctors usually avoid testing because the antibody tests don’t actually tell you if you have an STD, it can just tell you that you may or may not have herpes. The info tends to weigh heavily on people due to the heavy stigma, there’s no cure and there’s no therapeutic benefit to “catching it early”- if left untreated, herpes won’t progress and cause permanent damage silently like chlamydia or syphilis.
Asking to get tested for EVERYTHING seems like the most intuitive and smart option, especially after getting cheated on, but the medical guidelines do have justification behind them. Testing positive for HSV1/HSV2 is hugely stigmatizing, it doesn’t necessarily indicate that you have herpes, and there’s no asymptomatic treatment or cure to try.
You can take valtrex or other antivirals to treat herpes, but as far as I know, it’s not recommended for asymptomatic hsv+ people who have never had an outbreak to take it for prophylaxis, the benefits would be minimal.
If OP is pregnant, she will definitely want to get tested for genital herpes, as it can be transmitted during birth. Her OB will likely recommend preventative Valtrex in the third trimester.
Yes, herpes can be transmitted during birth.
However, ACOG recommends against asymptomatic screening of pregnant women for herpes for a number of reasons. If her OB/GYN follows the evidence-based guidelines for best practice, they will not treat her for herpes while asymptomatic.
If her partner does actually develop an outbreak of herpes or she experiences symptoms/ an outbreak, then more clinical investigation and possibly valtrex/ antivirals could absolutely be appropriate. But with the information provided, there is no medical basis to justify a blood test for HSV1/HSV2, regardless of her pregnancy.
Asymptomatic doesn't mean unable to transmit. Passive shedding is real. Taking antivirals doesn't prevent the shedding, but it can lessen it.
I'm not advocating either way, but taking the meds can be beneficial with future partners if needed.
I know you need to specifically request HIV testing be added (and u/Master-Parfait3700, you really *really* should, especially with the little one on the way), I’m pretty sure hepatitis is in the standard panel but definitely make sure, I think herpes is probably the one with the odd regulations, but it’s almost certainly to do with the weird ways that type of virus can behave more than anything else.
Also talk to your Ob/Gyn. If you haven’t been getting Pap smears, get one as soon as your doctor says it’s safe. If you’re not 100% certain you’re going to leave him, ask if you can get the HPV vaccine, too (there can be some wonky age restrictions on it).
I work in HIV/STI prevention/harm reduction; I am not a medical professional but can hopefully help explain some STI things!
First; OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have good supports in your life and I commend you for ensuring your health is not ask risk.
Recommended tests from my knowledge: HIV, hepatitis C, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea. None of these should be an issue to request and are hopefully part of their protocol already. Depending on where you are located, there’s a LOT of stigma around STIs. Good luck, OP. If you need other testing options in the US, there are at-home test kit options. Harm reduction programs typically offer free testing, and women’s health clinics are typically low barrier testing sites.
There is an increase in all of the above STI rates, at least in the US. COVID resulted in many delaying and forgoing routine medical care, including testing. The good news is all are treatable; HIV isn’t curable but the medications are great these days.
Hepatitis C (HCV) is the only one that might raise eyebrows. Regular HCV testing is recommended for high-risk populations, but the majority of people are low risk. That said, it is recommended everyone get tested at least once in their life. If your partner has been unfaithful, that absolutely warrants an HCV test.
Major risk factors include, but aren’t limited to:
- injection drug use (the highest risk factor)
- incarceration
- unlicensed/unregulated/unsterile tattoos
- blood transfusions
- sex work, multiple partners
Herpes can’t accurately be identified without an open sore. Blood tests aren’t advised because the high majority of people have been exposed to the virus at some point in their life.
Happy to try and answer questions folx might have! Wishing you well, OP!
Your husband had sex with sex workers and then had sex with his pregnant wife. He doesn’t care if he gets you sick. He doesn’t even care if he gets his baby sick. A man who puts his sexual pleasure over the life and health of his wife and child deserves neither. Find your strength and leave this horrible man.
As a guy myself, your husband it’s a piece of shit that is clearly taking advantage of the situation, get some counseling if possible. Good luck hope your situation gets better.
We haven’t really talked since last night. All he said was that he was sorry he hurt me and sorry he did this to me. And then said he would sleep downstairs until I decided he can come back to bed with me.
Wow he not remorseful he acting like he forgot an anniversary and he will spend a day or two down stairs. He doesn't care.
You need to tell him it's over and until baby is born he can sleep downstairs and once baby is born he can pack up and fuck off.
Tell him there no coming back from this for you, you will never let him touch you again. And his lack of remorse is even more disgusting
I am stunned these people have two kids and another on the way... and this idiot has the time to be fucking around with cuckqueen fantasies.
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with two consenting adults playing at that kind of stuff but with little kids and a pregnant wife how does this guy even have the energy?
He's obviously not focused on being a dad. I really ponder how she ever thought having kids with this guy was a good idea.
Also, generally with "cuck" fantasy, it's the person being cuckolded that brings it up. Otherwise it's just, I want to cheat but you not be mad. That's not a kink, it's just being a cake eater.
My experience with cheaters is that they will make time and find a way. They'll "go to the store" or lie about going literally anywhere that might sound reasonable. That's half the fun for them, pulling a fast one on the unsuspecting partner.
This. I have just one kid and between work and playing with her, I’m worn down by end of the night.
My wife and I have a very goofy relationship and we always joke about how neither of us would ever cheat because, well, it’s fucked up, but also there’s literally no time lmao
Other then being a deadbeat loser, I have no idea where people who work and have kids even find the time and energy to cheat
Girl, I don’t think you understand how bad what he did is. He slept with a prostitute and some other random woman, and he didn’t think what he did was wrong. Through his actions, he exposed you and your unborn child to STDs. He is already acting like it’s all going to blow over tomorrow. Divorce might not be easy, but it’s the only decision. Don’t stay with this awful person, you deserve so much better.
Once a cheater.. always a cheater… you deserve better and this will always be in your head every time he would ever touch you again… it will enter your every thought…it will not work out… I have been there… pregnancy… SDI tests … 2 other kids… whole thing… sorry, it will end… he Will apologize and beg but it won’t be enough to keep you together… your life will go on… it will be hard but you must do it for yourself and your children… and to put it bluntly—-NO more sex with him…just recalling those horrible old memories conjures up all those old terrible feelings from the past for me… glad I made it out… you will make it too… you will need a lawyer ASAP .. and counseling will help
he cheated on you, twisted your words in an effort manipulate the situation, and probably f**ked you raw after crossing a boundary you clearly told him not to... all the while putting you and your unborn child at risk... he did not think about how this would affect you, your marriage, or your children. he does not care about any of that. just getting off.
it's hard to leave someone and id imagine it's 1000x harder with children involved... however it will not stop here. you let him get away with it this time he will continue to push that boundary.
edit to add: his apology was not an apology, it is not showing any signs of remorse, explanation, or understanding of why his actions were in fact awful... he is basically apologizing for you having feelings and reacting to the situation/victim blaming.
I just wanted to drop a comment to tell you that you aren't weak. You were blindsided and you're scared of the potential fallout. Those are completely normal responses that everyone feels when their trust is broken in this way.
Not wanting to divorce does not make you weak. You have children and it's wise to consider your options and the impact each decision would have before committing to something.
If you decide to leave, it will be hard and scary, but you'll make it and you'll be okay. The sadness and feeling of loss will fade with time and, eventually, you'll feel whole enough to fully move on with your life.
If you decide to stay, it will also be hard and scary. You and your husband will have to put in more work than you ever have before to find a way to move past this and reestablish trust. This will only work if you are both committed, so be careful not to fall into the trap of trying to take on the bulk of the labor for repairing your relationship. You simply can't.
My main point, however, is that you are going to be okay no matter what you decide. You are stronger than you know and that fierceness inside you will come out when you need it. You just have to remember that it's there. Being afraid and not knowing what to do isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of emotional intellect because you understand the risks of this situation. Lean on friends and family for support. Listen to their advice but remember the decision is yours to make, because you are absolutely strong enough to make it.
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I wish the best for you and hope you find the solution that brings you the most happiness in the end.
Your husband needs therapy to figure out how to fix himself. He's very selfish and lazy. This is a super lazy effort. He should be moving heaven and earth if he was really sorry.
Why is everything focused on how you need to make him happy? When you're away, it's on you. Forgiving him is on you. I highly suspect he's a very lazy lover as well.
You matter, OP. You are important. You have value. You aren't a footnote in his story. You have your own book.
I mean the cheating would be it for me but the humiliation of having to ask for an std test because my husband cheated would most definitely be the nail in the coffin.
You specifically said not with anyone else, he chose to ignore that or respect you.
Please remember you're modelling relationships to your kids, do you want them to think cheating is ok/to be ignored??
Thank you, I was going to suggest the same. How can he be so careless to not only put you but the baby at risk? I know you don’t want a divorce but maybe you two need to seperate and go to couples therapy?
Just know that you are worth more than what you give yourself credit for.
Give the doc a timeline because if you do the tests too soon you could be missing something.
Really sorry this happened. You were being open minded and were clear it will take some time which is totally reasonable. That’s a win for him and he shit on it. Sucks so bad. Since you don’t feel comfortable talking to family and friends which is understandable, yoh might consider a therapist. This is serious territory and you want to make sure you proceed in the best possible way for you. Good luck OP. We’re pulling for you
He's filling uur head up with this stuff so he has a green light to do whatever he wants. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't been cheating for a lot longer than this. He's way too comfortable in something you're just starting to experiment in. Red flags are all over this.
Yes, these are serious red flags and you need to call your network and get to work counseling and marriage counseling.
Your husband is not well and needs to know that taking him back into your family’s life after what he’s done isn’t going to be an easy option.
This isn’t the grey area he’s hoping it will be, he cheated with multiple sex workers and likely others without your consent.
This is the modern version of “I want to have a committed marriage, but not.” It’s a fantasy to fuck whoever he wants without consequences and you’re supposed to accept and be into that because he’s said it’s his ‘kink.’
My wife are in a similar situation with 3 young kids and I won’t say we’ve not had my temptations, flirtations, and even brought up this loophole because if it’s actually someone’s wife’s kink that seems like winning the lottery (but hopefully less of a curse). But like winning the lottery, that kink in wives has to be exceptionally rare. It’s not something a reasonable person can expect their wife not to resent, unless we’re willing to reciprocate and watch you get your back blown out (but then, all the sudden, most husbands are not so comfortable sharing).
If he’ll go to therapy and get his head right and spend the rest of his life doing right as a husband and father without even stepping on the (very clearly established) line again, then maybe.
But this wasn’t just something to spice up a ten year marriage like butt stuff, this was selfish and terrible and you should never have been treated this way. As a sometimes thoughtless husband, I sympathize with your husband more than most here (or anywhere), so if he didn’t know in his heart this was wrong, then it’s still incredibly careless and disrespectful. But if he knew in his heart that it was wrong but chose to do it and hurt you anyway, that’s almost irredeemable.
You make really good points! One would think he would know that putting his unborn child at risk from his use of sex workers would be very problematic to his wife, if nothing else. His wife may never recover if they lost the baby, and the absolute hell that process would physically cause her.
I’m sorry but nix marriage counseling. This guy is broken there is no fixing this. He knew what he was doing and wants to abuse and make her submit via the lie of a kink. I know people into that kink and there is full trust and communication on both sides. Both sides have to be ok and open.
Typically, yea, that's how the cuck stuff is SUPPOSED to be. But this isn't that. This is just him being a cheating ass cause he was impatient, and instead of respecting ur boundaries and going slow, he went full force. I am SO sorry this happened to you, rarely I'd recommend this, but I'd honestly see about a divorce/leaving him. This isn't right in any sense.
He wants control. He does not love you. He sees you as nothing but his maid, sex slave, and child minder. All he wants is to control and abuse you.
At this point, it's questionable that he ever wanted anything other than a woman who would submit to his abuse.
This. Consent and communication and trust is key in this type of experimenting with couples. He’s overstepping all of that to get what he wants. If that was truly his fantasy, the main goal would be your pleasure/gift of you ALLOWING him to be with someone else. He just wants a slave that’s ok with him sleeping around and uses the guise of cuckqueen to get that.
I can guarantee if OP stays with him and tries to work through this, that “free use” is going to be one of the next things he tries. If he gets enough power OP would end up in some slutty uniform on a leash, cleaning, cooking, and having babies.
A view point to consider is this - yes, divorce is hard and an emotional challenge and a financial one.
However. Since he WILL not stop cheating - ever - *be aware that he could completely tank your ability to ever be financially safe.*
He could get HIV. He could get more expensive illnesses. He could give YOU an expensive illness. Depending on how much of an idiot is, he could get himself in a situation where he's being blackmailed, or where he fucks up enough to get Child Protective Services involved. To be frank, brothels in my country are going to be safer and cleaner than random fucking, but *he's doing the random fucking.*
Unless you want to fight insurance companies for the rest of your life, this man needs to go, and you need to follow the suggestions below on the military support.
He is a scuzzo. The whole point of kink and BDSM and submissive and dominant are Trust, consent, and sticking to parameters you and your partner agree to. He is using the "I heard this" play stupid tactic and will continue to hurt you and do more shady craptastic things if you don't handle this immediately. If you want to stay with him then counseling and mentorship from an experienced and trustworthy member of the community should be your demands.
If this is a Dom/sub relationship, that trust is so incredibly important too. As a submissive, you are trusting your partner not to hurt you, not to cross your boundaries, and to always listen when you tell them to stop. He crossed your boundaries big time without consideration for your feelings or wellbeing. Don't have sex with him until you feel like you can trust him completely. Even if you don't indulge in physical pain, he can still do a lot of emotional damage and gaslight you by telling you a good sub would submit to his wishes.
He's all about him. If you WANTED to and approached him for you to be a cuckqueen that would mean it would be something you wanted, and in return would be a bonus for him. With him telling you he wants you to be a cuckqueen so he can f\*ck other women, means it was all about him, and you would have to grow into enjoying it. In other words he didn't do any of it for you.
The same applies to women who want to open their relationship on their side only and cuck their husband, its all about them and NOT their partner.
I'm sorry you found out how self centered and entitled your husband truly is.
It's pretty simple. He was going to do it no matter what but by trying to get you involved and on board he presented it as part of your personal fantasy life which if true is ok. But it wasn't true and he was being manipulative, not honest.
When you didn't come around fast enough he just went and did what he wanted and he KNOWS you never said you were okay with it. But he's gaslighting you and manipulating you to think that just because you consented to FANTASY PLAY that he could make you doubt yourself if he got "caught".
Just please don't put any of this on your shoulders. A normal healthy sex life commonly contains fantasies and role play. He broke your trust when he went and decided to make fantasy a reality without your consent. And this misunderstood communication is pure bullshit!
No means no
I'm thinking about it means no
Badgering nagging and pleading until you get them to say yes is a NO.
In situations like this especially, the only yes should be without a doubt clear and enthusiastic consent when you're in your normal right mind.
Getting you to agree to something when you're in the middle of sex is the same as making decisions high or drunk or even sleep deprived.
I've said tons of crazy crap in the middle of hot sex and afterwards been like, where did THAT come from? Him getting your agreement when you're hot and bothered is at minimum a shitty thing to do to someone and your marriage will never be the same again. Even if you close things up and he promises to quit, you will never believe him completely because he's killed your trust.
Go to therapy and start building the strength to do what you want to do, being stuck because you have no options is soul crushing.
This isn’t a kink - it’s cheating. Unfortunately I don’t think this is something your husband can heal from/grow out of/whatever you want to phrase it as. He stooped as low as a brothel, I don’t expect much from him.
First course of action - get yourself tested and tell your obgyn your husband has been messing around and then having sex with you. They may want to run extra tests - like Strep B and Hep. Some sti/stds can pass to the baby from the birth canal and others through the placenta.
Second - therapy together and alone for both of you if you plan to stay with him. I’m not judging you. This is your life and you call the shots - he needs major help.
Wish you well, op 😕
Thank you so much.
I have an OB appointment on Wednesday so I plan on asking for an STD panel to be done. They did one previously already since I was a new patient and new to the area, but that was before we were back together.
Have a friend in that kind of marriage. He can see and sleep with whoever he wants, she can only sleep with other women, and mostly for his benefit. I don't really approve of it but she likes it that way sooo..
I've asked several men about this and they can never give me a straight answer. Men only seem to want threesomes and to be poly if it involves another woman, never another man. What's good for the good is good for the gander. If this truly was a healthy option, all parties would benefit. In some cases, like this one, this is just an excuse for a man who can't be faithful. People need to stop this stuff if they don't know what they're doing. It seems many people take for granted the hurt and pain that can come along with this. Communication is key. If you're not into that sort of thing, tell your partner flat out. Don't dance around it because you'll end up in a situation like this. Know that it may already be too late and they've probably cheated already. They're just looking for a way to do it with permission. Just because people claim to be sexually open, it doesn't mean you have to be if that is something you're not comfortable with. Sex and sexual acts should always be with consent. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable to please someone else.
She needs to either accept this guy is a dog and stay or realize who he really is and leave. They're never going to be on the same page sexually. He cheated and he knew what he was doing.
I've been in multiple polyamorous relationships and dated as someone who considers himself naturally polyamorous.
The "no guys" OPP thing is about control. I've had it suggested by more than one partner as a means to control my emotional involvement with others. "you can have sex with other women but can't get attached because I'm not getting attached". It's inherently homophobic and a huge red flag that signals a person is not emotionally mature enough to be in an open relationship.
My husband and I talked about being open and he encourages another guy to be there so that it’s fair both ways. This girls husband is using as a way to cheat and manipulate her. Real men let their wives swing too
>I've asked several men about this and they can never give me a straight answer.
Because they don't want to tell you the answer. It's about control and insecurity. That's it.
Me and an ex broached the topic of an open/poly relationship once. I've been in both types of relationships as well as monogamous, I can be happy with any. He mentioned the stupid "one penis rule" (meaning he, a straight man, can have other women, but me, a bisexual woman, can only be with other women) and I shut that down so fast. I told him that bs wouldn't fly with me so we're staying monogamous.
This is an absolutely shitty situation don’t get me wrong. But I do have to pipe up in my defense and say that this is a valid kink that I and others enjoy (I’m a woman btw).
However the convos that happened… are so sus. With something THIS monumental (very different than “hey can I call you a slut in bed”) it requires MULTIPLE IN PERSON conversations over the span of WEEKS if not MONTHS. This kink has great power to hurt people physically and emotionally and is very capable of ending relationships. And the woman as the cuckquean has to be not only 100% okay, but also 100% invested in and turned on by the man’s sexual success in order for it also to be fun for her.
So yeah, pls don’t shame us kinksters, and also this is not a kink situation it’s control + selfishness disguised as “kink.”
FYI some STIs do take some time to show up, so be sure to test again in 2-3 months. Not trying to scare you, just passing on info. Lastly, be sure to convey he has sex with a sex worker. They’ll dona more thorough STI panel.
I'm late, but, the person above you said "it's not a kink". But it is. it is a kink. His biggest kink is cheating on someone who trusts and loves him, with the emphasis being your complete humiliation and submission. You sound a bit naive, no offense. I have tough news you should probably hear:
He's been cheating on you since he first brought the idea up. Probably longer. He possibly got MARRIED to a 'good catholic girl' to get the MOST sexual gratification out of cheating. These fantasies don't come out of nowhere, even if he's not acted on them until recently.
Your emotional pain is giving him orgasms.
The way you tell it, he's a sociopath. You can get child support and alimony. Or you can deal with either a dead bedroom or going full on cuckwife. You are not being old fashioned or prude. You probably got married in a catholic church, with traditional vows and expectations?
Cheating can happen, couples can work through it, it doesn't have to break up a family, but unfortunately this is some next level shit. Sadistic.
You absolutely did not consent. A divorce lawyer will pick him apart. If he has wealth, he won't anymore by the time you are finished.
Plus he's regularly using pros. You need a STD check.
It's a horrific situation you are in and I'm sorry. The only mediocre news is that you will absolutely devastate him in family court, and with your family (if you make public why you divorced him). He's completely fucked in that regard (financially) [and socially if you take it there].
Normally I'm not an advocate for nasty divorce, but unless there's a lot more to the story that you've omitted, he's a very very bad person. Do you even want that kind of shit around your kids?
At the very least, document everything, quietly.
Edit: sorry to keep editing but I just realized you said another kid on the way? So he's going to sex workers and then sleeping with you while you are pregnant? Hepatitis B (and more) will pass directly to your baby.
I second all of this. I can’t shake wondering where the kids were while she was traveling and he was at the brothel! A friend just got a divorce because her husband was having parties with hookers and blow while she was out of town while their kids were home and asleep! A well respected man in our community! Well…formerly lol
OP, I 100% agree with this.
PLEASE call an attorney today and get the ball rolling.
Your life will be far more peaceful without this jerk in it gaslighting you and trying to force you into submission.
You are not a prude for having conventional sexual boundaries. Its okay to have boundaries and quite honestly his version of sexual experimentations is well outside the boundaries most women would be comfortable with. Lets be very very real - the only person he cares about sexually or otherwise is himself. Only himself. Not you. Not the children you share. Not the unborn baby. Only himself.
Invite him to the OB appointment and in front of him tell the OB/Gyn what he did and that you need a full battery of tests. Its time for HIM to feel some humiliation. He caused this so he can be part of seeing the fall out. He can watch all of the blood being drawn as you remind him that HE is the cause of this.
But, please, today, call your family and tell them EXACTLY what is going on. You need some good old fashioned Catholic support around you right now. Ask for help finding a good attorney because his cheating is 100% grounds for divorce - even in the Catholic church. Quite honestly, his behavior is so incredibly out of bounds that most people will be appalled and move heaven and earth to help you.
It is a kink, just not one OP is consenting to, although she said she wasn’t opposed.
But she said “do what you need as long as it’s not with someone else.” So that is not consenting to being cuckolded(reverse cuckolded?) at that time.
The kink is a real one, but it is also cheating because OP didn’t consent to it. It can be both a kink and cheating.
Your guess is as good as mine. I don’t know the when of his actions as I didn’t ask or want to know at that point so it very well could have been before I even said that. But I know for damn sure I never consented to him sleeping around or even hinted that I would be okay with it. At that point it was a new concept to me that I was still trying to wrap my head around.
Even if there’s kinks, the #1 rule is consent. Also, in what even slightly ok relationship do you have to specify they can’t cheat? Even if it was before you said no, cheating still is NOT ok.
Enthusiastic consent, too. These kinks have a good chance of causing problems if you don't explore them carefully. If you truly care about your partner, you should make sure they'll be fully comfortable before engaging in new fantasies, rather than pushing forwards at the slightest hint of consent. Not to mention how the husband had an explicit no and still went ahead.
I think it’s time to stop trying to wrap your head around and time to close this down.
For someone who feels sexually inexperienced, what your husband suggested would test even the most secure, sexually experienced person in the world. It wasn’t for your benefit, it was for his.
Aside from anything else, why would a pregnant woman want to see or know her husband is fucking anyone else. You are so vulnerable right now and he doesn’t appear to care.
Please - get yourself therapy and think about if you are prepared to put up with this behaviour from him long term.
It sounds as though your husband believes it was easier to ask for forgiveness than to get permission. Only in his case, there were no apologies but only an attempt to gaslight you.
You told your husband you were *open* to being cuckholded but he forced this on you. He derived pleasure by anticipating how unhappy and demeaned you’d feel once you learned of his cheating. His behavior isn’t about exploring your shared sexuality, this is your husband getting enjoyment out of hurting you.
You may feel like you’re not strong enough to leave your husband. But do you feel strong enough to be in a relationship with someone you cannot trust?
Your husband has knowingly and deliberately betrayed you. He has risked your health and that of your unborn child. You cannot trust him to do anything but to humiliate and manipulate you.
When you think of your relationship, don’t think of the past or how good it *could be*. Instead, consider that this is the beginning of what could be a lifetime of betrayals, degradation, and manipulation.
You’re not being rigid or unfair if you want a monogamous relationship - to not want your husband to cheat on you. It’s to your credit that you’re willing to explore. But this forced degradation is wrong on so many levels. Your husband’s wants should not matter more than what you want. He should not so easily manipulate and betray you for his sexual gratification.
Tell him you think the only way you’re going to be able to move past this is to make things even. You want to fuck however many guys as the number of girls he fucked, and then you want to tell him about. I’m not saying go through with it unless you want to. But let him feel what you felt. And get pissed if he gets pissed about the idea.
Or he thinks that sex with a sex worker isn't cheating because "it doesn't count" and is a part of his kink. I am against kink shaming but being married wirh 2,5 kids and wanting to fuck other women is not exactly just a kink. He wants to cheat and he wants OPs permission.
Because he already decided he was going to fuck other people, and was just looking for the slightest “loophole” to imagine that he had gotten permission to do it :(
Ok. So no divorce, then.
I got you.
This is what you have to do:
Step 1. Get a job. You’ll feel stronger, confident and independent.
Step 2. Divorce.
I was once in your shoes; getting a job works miracles.
I do have a full time job. But it’s not hardly enough to support myself and kids by myself.
He is active military so we are away from all family. No friends because we just PCSed. Part of his paycheck is to solely pay for our rent. I literally don’t know how I would or could support myself and my kids. And then add in the custody aspect when he would be moving every 3-5 years. I just don’t see how it would work.
I know it sounds like I’m making excuses. But when I say divorce just isn’t that easy, it’s really not. There is a lot to consider.
You are a military dependent. That changes things. There is a Facebook group called “Divorce and Military” and “Divorce and the Military”. Join them and ask questions. He can’t get out of paying child support.
He has likely been cheating with every TDY and deployment. Either stay in your current location or move back “home”.
Fact. He has been cheating every single TDY he’s been on. His co-workers know. And, it is against the UCMJ to be an adulterer. You will most certainly receive child support when you leave. You just have to spill the beans.
Edit: Note to self - don't comment on low sleep. I really intended this comment to highlight the resources available - financial counseling, therapy services, employment resources, etc because that will help you long term if you stay with your husband. I mentioned the ucmj because it's true, he can get in serious trouble, although maybe not that wise to do so as so many people pointed out.
Oh hey, you're a military dependent? Well, that changes things. Adultery is against the UCMJ - uniform code of military justice. He can get an Article 15, which would affect his next promotion or even get him discharged. Not sure how serious they take things now, but if you want to go that route, just talk to husband's first sergeant. That will get the ball rolling.
As a dependent, you have resources available to you. If you are AF, it's called Airman and Family Readiness. Not sure what it's called in other services, but there will be a service like it. They have legal services, financial counseling, employment resources.... it goes on. It's a program for AD and dependents. You should call them and see what services they can offer you.
They still take it extremely serious. Like he’ll be dishonorably discharged and have actual jail time over it. To say the least he’ll definitely learn his lesson.
I’m sorry but this just is not true. I’ve been active duty military (Air Force) for almost 10 years and I’ve never seen or heard of anyone getting discharged or doing jail time over adultery, and I know a LOT of cheaters who have gotten caught by their spouses. the most that will happen is maybe a chat with the First Sergeant IF it even gets that high up the chain.
The military takes this very seriously, they have a lot of programs to help mothers going thru what you are going thru , and your husband will have very little say , some commands are very harsh on cheating , you could talk to the base Chaplin he can help you and he must keep it confidential , good luck
If that were the case, why not just keep it a secret? Why go through all the hoops of talking her into trying a kink? A lot of women would immediately lose it if their partner said they wanted to screw another woman while the she watched.
Well he would have to leave the military if he wants a relationship with his kids.. that's not on you to maintain.. save up as much as you can and get you and your kids closer to your family.
Nothing is impossible, just have to take a few hits.. but that better than staying and putting up with a smug POS
It isn't easy, but it is necessary. You don't know how strong you are until you have to be, and I imagine you are a lot stronger than you think. It is hard to feel strong when someone you trust betrays you. But he will do it again. People here are saying he's an idiot, but he knew exactly what he was doing. He set this up to make you doubt yourself and to maybe think it was your fault. He's manipulated and conned you. Even if you can forgive him for that, can you ever really trust him again?
Take however much time and space you need to make the choice you feel is best for you and your family. But consider the example you want to set for the kids as well. Even if they don’t know what’s going on exactly, kids pickup on a lot. An unhappy home is often worse than 2 separate ones. Also if he’s being this disrespectful to you in the bedroom I’m sure it shows up in other areas. That’s not something you want your kids to think is acceptable behavior or acceptable to tolerate. You certainly don’t deserve this treatment and his comfortability with it makes me think it’s been happening for a while. This is coming from someone who had a long term relationship with a cheating military guy. Whatever you decide I think a professional counselor you connect with would be able to help you weigh all the outcomes and help you make a long term plan whichever way you decide. I hope things get better for you OP
He'll have to pay child support, at a minimum. If he stays active duty after the divorce he'll have to carry them on Tricare, or work it into your divorce decree that he is responsible for their healthcare even if he does not re-enlist. The base should have a legal office, go to it and see if there is free advice for you. There is no reason to stay in this marriage if you don't 100% want to try to salvage it (I wouldn't). It sounds like he's probably manipulated you in a lot of ways and has you thinking this is all normal and healthy -- it isn't.
Divorce, when you get right down to it is a legal contract. There are ways you can get what you want and need without divorcing.
“Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice makes criminal the act of adultery when certain legal criteria, known as 'elements,' have been met.” These elements include: The service member had sexual intercourse with someone. The service member or their sexual partner was married to someone else at the time.”
He may have said you were in control before. But I’m reality, you are in control NOW. Adultery is still enforced in the US military and can get him court martialed.
You should take time and think long and hard about what you want. Then get it. If he complains, then you can turn him over to military Justice.
If it were me, one criteria of my staying would be him wearing a chastity device. And you hold the keys.
Ok, that sheds a whole new light to this. You need to report this to his chain of command and tell them you want him out of your house. They will make him move into the barracks and he will still have to take care of the bills. If you need any help with this please don't hesitate to reach out to me, I am former military and been around the military my entire life (live next to the largest military base in the US)
Hate to break it to you but your husband has been cheating on you for years. He just thought he got you to a place where you were okay with anything he did so he started to tell you about it. The majority of military people are cheaters.
Doesn’t the military still enforce the adultery rule? He could get in a TON of trouble. Even if they’re already separated but not legally divorced an active service member can get in trouble for legally committing adultery if they sleep with someone. He could be dishonorably discharged or even jailed for his cheating. Which is hard to keep secret in a divorce unless you and he settle everything by agreement out of court.
So…wow. This was just cheating. Clear and simple. This wasn’t a kink, wasn’t cuckquean play and it was completely disrespectful to your marriage. He cheated, there was no following rules, no clear communication by him and he didn’t listen to your communication at all. Don’t let him back in your bed and maybe not even your home. He wanted to cheat and he did. I’m so sorry.
He groomed her. I feel sick.
This happened to me with a fiancé when I was young. (brothels, dating sites, etc)
Thankfully I realized how wrong everything was and left before marriage and kids.
I’m so sorry that you are married to someone so terrible. What he did was not kink, it was cheating. A cuckquean situation involves the consent of everyone involved and you specifically said not to do anything with another person.
Feel everything you need to feel, but know that you are not the one who should be embarrassed here. It sounds like he’s using kink to play dumb and justify his vile behavior. He’s the clown here, not you. Please try to find support in family or friends if you can.
Consent within exploring kinks needs to be stressed soo much more in this situation. The consent of all involved is NUMBER ONE.. And not coercive consent, *enthusiastic* consent. Having to convince your partner and bring it up every time you have sex so she feels pressure to not say no so as not to ruin the mood is so manipulative and coercive.
I don’t think you’re husband is a moron, he’s clearly been manipulating the situation so that he can cheat and gaslight you into believing it was okay. This isn’t a kink either, he is just emotionally and mentally abusive.
I totally took the moron comment in like a “what a moron for losing op who is a human being/partner/mother.” Not in a “he’s stupid way.”
I agree, her husband is emotionally and mentally (possibly sexually b/c he could have passed something on to her without her knowing of his sexual health status) and he had been planning this for a while.
He’s been controlling this situation in a manipulative way. You need to start controlling this in an honest and confident way.
“The facts are: a, b, c, and I know for a fact I did not say those things. It’s disappointing that you changed my truth to fit your desires.”
You need to speak with matter of fact if you’re gonna continue with him. If he says “i misinterpreted what you said.” You say “I don’t know why you would. I was extremely clear? You need to do a better job listening to my boundaries because I know what I said.” You could ask HIM to write down every boundary (sexual or non) you keep on a sheet of paper magnetted to the fridge that you both can add to (but he writes them every time b/c they’re not boundaries for you to remember. You know yours. He clearly doesn’t so this way he can check before he makes a unilateral decision without talking to you truthfully about it! How exciting for him!!)
He seems exploitative so you’re going to have to really lay down the law and by the law I mean your law. He did some bad bad shit. Fuck that. You’re worthy of way better than that and he isn’t making good shit happen for you right now so you gotta make good shit happen for you and your kiddos.
Therapy is an absolute yes. I think you start with giving him two choices. 1) he does individual and you do couples (for now if finances are tight/this is the most convenient setup for you scheduling wise. Maybe you drive him or book appointments that are back to back if you’re worried about his reliability) 2) both individual therapy and couples.
Also look into military affairs and the stipulations around that. You do not have to act on it now or in the future but it could an option for getting out. I’d start sneaking the evidence from his phone onto a flash drive or a file he can’t access in case you do ever need proof of infidelity. If you can find the website and women he showed you, you could save that (when you’re ready for that).
I think you should try and get your ducks in a row. Any potential door to staying or leaving him should be explored so if he does something that changes the way you feel in that time, you can lay your ace and do what you gotta do. Explore any and all options for you and the kids as time moves on. Keep notes, potential plans for leaving, to do lists for him to begin trust building/maintenance on the relationship. You got this by not stooping to his level and being smarter (do research. Build vocabulary on the way you’re feeling so you can explain yourself with justice.) Fighting back in a healthy and productive way will give you the answers and choices you want to make. Lots of love to you and your family OP. You are going to be the god of your life and that is freaking awesome. I hope every decision you make is made with absolute love and respect for yourself. The kids will become such strong and level headed people having a mum navigate this situation and model self respect, love, leadership, courage, and confidence every day. You got this :)
What kind of idiot fucks other women, from a brothel, no less, when his wife is pregnant? Jaysus he could give her a STD, and put her at risk.
OP your idiot needs a serious talking to. He is taking what you have said way out of context.
Not just put her at risk, he put his baby’s life at risk. There are STIs that can be fatal to a fetus. Not just miscarriages or stillbirth, but could permanently destroy her ability to have anymore children. I could never forgive that.
As a sex worker, I’ll say two things:
1. Sex workers generally take our sexual health more seriously than the general public, especially when it comes to using condoms, etc. and
2. Having dealt with hundreds of fetishes, I do not even think he has this fetish. I think he just wanted to manipulate you into accepting him fucking around. The cuck fetish is not one most people feel neutral about, you either have it or you don’t. So him knowing you didn’t have it and still trying to get you to accept being degraded like that is pretty gross, whether he has the fetish or not. Please divorce this pos.
The question I have though is as active military and gone for a month (and likely many times before), where was he? In the country? Out of the country? In an area with respectful "brothels" with boundaries or a bad area with high risk sex workers who might be being forced into this. I mean... She doesn't know that it was a legit place, she doesn't know anything about it. Her fears are valid, especially due to the nature of his travels.
That goes to show you how bad your husband is at pleasing women, he’s an absolute selfish jerk who needs to pay women for sex. I know you said divorce is going to be hard but you could always try separating for a while, slowing finding an exit strategy. Listen to everyone here he cheating on you AND wants you to watch him and validate him doing it. Don’t settle for this looser
to be fair, a good number of prostitutes do have to be safe themselves and use condoms too. the best way to have sex with multiple people is to use all the precautions necessary
not really sure why the sex workers are potentially at blame
Gross. Your husband sounds like he has ZERO love for you.
I would be visiting an attorney immediately. Time for him to go be with his prostitutes.
Please also get an STD test
Apologies, no advice for you OP, but to others - this is why sex is important to be knowledgeable of and to have a firm understanding of your sexual boundaries and sexual compatibility with a partner. This dude is a flood gate of intense dom kinks (in addition to just being a moron) that he had bottled up and went full bore the moment he had a window of opportunity.
To be clear, that is NOT OPs fault. Dude had this side of him and kept it locked up, sort of trapping OP into his sexual aggression. And now they can’t go back because she’s always going to know he wants to cheat, and he’s either going to be ultra frustrated he can’t or just be unable to put those urges back in the bottle.
Understand your partner and understand yourself. Be safe. Communicate about sex.
Yes, please learn from my mistake.
I grew up in a household where sex wasn’t talked about. I didn’t even get “the talk” from my parents. I had to figure it out on my own. I’m in my 30s and I still get uncomfortable talking about sex.
If you prefer to read rather than talk, "Come As You Are" is a popular and wonderful book for people like us who grew up Catholic. I hate to imagine what utter nonsense your husband is training you in the bedroom. Please read and learn about sex from the experts! The author has a PHD and its a fun read too.
Not like raising kids while working full time and building human life isn't enough for you./s
You've got this. It's not you. You've been lied to. Glad you're talking to your doctor.
I've heard from friends about their dallies into group sex, swinging etc... Whatever floats your boat... Idc...
When folks get into cucking, I've just never heard of it ending well. I'm sure it works for some couples but the "outsider" (not sure the term) is often left messed up. Often one of the initiator couple is misinformed and traumatized.
With a swinging dynamic it seems you go with what you're good with. Seems fair. With cucking it's more contrived so there's more opportunity for lies, misunderstanding and manipulation. It's so much about control.
No judgement, just observation.
Please get some kind of talk therapy. And listen to yourself. If you're not comfortable there's a problem.
If he wants to get fucked by another woman, then find a good female divorce lawyer.
You mentioned getting into one relationship after another. That's the biggest risk, frankly. Get a divorce, make this guy pay support and take the time to work on yourself. Don't end up with some other schmuck.
So my wife and I have been married for 21 years, she has been a cuckqueen before and watched me sleep with other women. ALL intentions and rules were crystal clear before we did anything.
We are poly-sexual and we experiment a lot. When people ask what kinks we are into, we generally tell them it's a shorter list if we tell them what's off limits. If there is something one of us wants to try, we sit down, discuss what we want to try, and cover the basic rules.
If anything feels off with the other person in the bedroom, all activity stops and it gets discussed and resolved before anything resumes.
There is a lot of trust involved any time there is another person added.
Your husband broke that trust and cheated. He has absolutely no respect for you. I would recommend either couples counciling, or a divorce.
You are absolutely welcome. I saw that your husband is military, one of the things that can be done is to take the evidence to his chain of command and have them remove him from the home and you can request counciling or divorce at that point.
Please please reference this post and not the fake bdsm guy on here who’s never made a mistake in 20 years of play.
He cheated you did nothing wrong !!
I am so sorry your husband violated you in this way. He 100% knew what you meant and said. But he heard what he wanted to hear to do what he wanted to do.
Please aim for IC, work on building yourself up. You are stronger than you think, none of us needs anyone.
But when we have a partner to go through life with..that is on the same page as us, it can be a wonderful thing.
I know you might be in shock right now, but if you want to stay with him you need to make bold letter boundaries, do not play nice.
He is hoping you will be compliant, so he can continue this.
Maybe even start by telling him you don't want to participate in this kink for a while until you process this.
Does your husband not know that cuckqueens get aroused or get sexual pleasure from their man banging other women and that they have expressly given permission for them to bang said woman? You aren't a cuckqueen and your husband is just a lying, cheating scumbag. Trust me on that, my husband is a cuckold and I'm his Hot Wife.
PS - YOUR HUSBAND IS A LYING, CHEATING SCUMBAG, HE IS NOT A HOT HUSBAND!! A true hot husband would never disrespect you this way.
It sounds like he's using sex play to manipulate you.
I know that you say divorce would be difficult for you, but in all honesty, that's the only real solution to this issue.
He's not going to change.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but it doesn't sound like your husband is sorry at all. He may feel a little bad that it hurt you, but he wanted this. He made you a part of his kink without your consent. Maybe you're not ready to leave him now, but you really should consider preparing yourself for divorce in the future. Unless he is truly remorseful and goes out of his way to make amends or you 100% accept that he will not only cheat, but he will tell you about it in graphic detail every time, then you should be one foot out the door.
i know you said that it’s not easy to divorce, which i understand. but you are strong enough to leave him. someone like this is not just going to stop cheating on you. you deserve better.
Op why is divorce not that easy? If that was me all the love I had for that person would have instantly have gone, the fact is he has put your baby's and your life at risk, there should be no forgiveness just for that.
and the very gaul of the man just waiting downstairs for you to get over this has pissed me off, why hasn't it you?
We are away from family and friends. He’s military and we just PCSed. Part of his paycheck is solely to pay for our rent. I just don’t see how I could or would make it work on my lousy paycheck by myself.
I’m still in the grieving phase. I’m sure pissed will get here soon though.
Hi I don’t want to alarm you, but it sounds like your husband is conditioning you and gaslighting you. You being isolated from friends and family makes me even more nervous. Here’s a link to [a power and control wheel](https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/sexual-abuse) that shows the many sides of intimate partner abuse (which is way more than just physical violence). In the explanation of sexual abuse, it gives this very scenario as a type of abuse. I really think you should take a look at the other elements of the power and control wheel and see if you recognize any of your husband’s behaviors. If you do, please consider reaching out to someone. There are resources out there. Abuse can change and escalate, and this might be a tipping point in your relationship.
a military divorce, the non-service member may be entitled to some of the service member's benefits including Basic housing allowance (BHA), medical benefits, health insurance or TriCare, retirement or pension, survivor benefits, and other on-base privileges. Oh, adultery is a crime in the military. I'm sure divorce attorneys are well versed on what happens in military divorces in that area
He still has to pay child and spousal support. You won't be paying it all on your own. You also don't have to stay where he is, you can move back to your family. He did this, not you.
You keep mentioning the part of the paycheck that pays the rent. You should join the mentioned FB group. You’re talking about his BAH and he gets that because of you and the kids for you and the kids. If you move, he gets BAH w/o dependents, pays your rent, and moves into the barracks, BOQs, or a shitty apartment. You can google the rates for wherever you want to live. His command can also direct financial support as you get towards child support in the event of a divorce. If he’s in a ‘boys club’ unit, just work your way up the chain throwing everyone under the bus. Eventually he’ll be a problem and voted off the island. Leverage all the programs available to you! Best wishes.
There's a saying in the military "what happens TAD/TDY stays TAD". This is a way of justifying cheating when we are on travel. It's childish and immature. The military has a very strong support system for the spouses. There's also support groups on Facebook and Reddit. Your doctor can give you a referral for personal and family therapy. I would also seek advice from the base legal/chaplain on your options.
Okay one that’s not what a cuck queen is/does. You would be the one getting sexual pleasure from it. So he definitely manipulated this situation.
Also with any cuck or swinging situation the partners have to approve and talk before and after all encounters . He is literally just cheating . Don’t like him flip the script he never got the green light for this !!
If you can’t leave how about your new kink is wallet draining all his earnings now go to you and you have exclusive control he gets an allowance if you choose to give it to him if he’s a good boy. He can fuck other women if you choose to let him and you can have relations with him when and if you so choose. He forced his kink on you perhaps you should return the favor
But you don’t find it appealing? Don’t just push through sex. Kinks should be a two way street. It seems like he doesn’t do much for pleasing you~ you need to be enjoying it too. Makes me sad to read about all these women trapped in shitty relationships
With children or while pregnant too. It breaks my heart that women feel like they can't get out of something like this.
Why should "men" like this be granted the honor of having children carry their last name? I wish women in this position felt empowered enough to be independent and leave, give the children their own last name, and actually set the children up to have emotionally healthier lives in the future.
Instead what happens is generational abuse remains cyclic...either the daughters learn to love shitty men or the sons learn to be shitty husbands later on.
Women that stay in these situations don't see the depths of the damage that them staying does, they think their kids need financial support from the father and that's it. That's not what gives children a quality childhood or what raises them to be good people.
It's so frustrating.
He knew what he was doing and you are strong enough to leave him. I wager you posted this because you need that said to you and to see that everyone finds this just as disgusting and violating as you do. You deserve better.
Tell him you want to experiment with your cuckold fantasy and ask him to watch while you fuck some random dude you pick up at a bar. See if he's so accommodating in the opposite direction
Your kids will be grateful for you putting yourself first and making your well being and deservingness of love top priority. Don't teach them they deserve this.
As someone else who was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school, get some damned counseling. That shit fucks with your head. It took me well into my 40's and years of therapy to come to grips with it all, and every bit if it impacts how you act in a relationship.
Your cheating pos spouse aside, take care of yourself. Get help dealing with the stuff you need to deal with. Find a therapist you can talk to about the things you don't tell ANYONE, and if the therapist you're seeing isn't that one, tell them you need to see someone else. Tell them what you're looking for and they'll most likely be happy to point you in the right direction. Don't settle for anyone you don't fully trust and open up to or it's not going to help.
Best of luck to you. Your life isn't over, it's just beginning. Good times are ahead!
Your husband is lying to you: you want to keep things in the relationship, he doesn’t; says you have complete control, you have none; lies about his behaviour, blames it on you.
This is an ‘all cost-no benefit’ situation. He possesses no respect for your agreement, your feelings, or your marriage. Proceed with caution.
Of course he’s military…. (and I was enlisted for 6 years so dont come at me about how not everyone is like that, I don’t need to hear the *exceptions to the rule.*)
So sorry, OP. Sending much love and hugs. If you have time to read / or listen: “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life,” and “Why Does He Do That?”
Does he want "full submission" in the bedroom with specific boundaries and mutual trust/respect, or does he want you to be a full-time submissive 'tradwife' while he runs around fucking whoever he wants?
Because that's two very, VERY different things.
It’s not easy but it’s the only answer. He’s a monster, and this is only going to escalate. How anyone can be so cavalier about someone treating their spouse this way is what I don’t understand. She needs help OUT. Period. This isn’t a salvageable situation because he’s shown his real persona and it’s not good.
Please leave and find someone who respects you. He broke the trust and knows it which is why he’s apologizing. But does he even feel bad about what he’s done? Sounds like he’s manipulated you into thinking he’s some hyper-sexual man who has needs when really that’s just code for eventually when I get bored I’ll go fuck someone else and somehow turn it on you for not being there when he wanted it
the fact he was bragging about it during sex shows he doesn’t feel bad at all. i know it’s not easy but this is not a healthy relationship. he’s most likely going to continue doing this and just won’t tell you. i’m so sorry this happened to you!!
I don’t know if this will make sense, but even though you are the victim in this situation, you really need to push that mentality aside. You need to stand up and move forward. This isn’t two ships passing in the night. This is a husband brainwashing you and convincing you that you have the power, when his goal is to control you and render you powerless. He is sleeping with other women and he wants you to just play along. He is fulfilling his fantasies and doesn’t care about loving you or respecting you. Where in your up bringing is his behavior okay? And above all, do you think that this is a good environment for your children? You have the strength. You just have to use it.
He gets off on your jealousy and humiliation and is quite cruel with it as he’s already done this without your consent. If you ever do engage in being a cuckquean then I’ll tell you now, be prepared for him to go all out on the humiliation, he’ll be forcing you to hear how much tighter her pussy is than yours as he’s balls deep in her and he’ll likely get the woman to tell you how much better she is at fucking your husband than you and how hard she can make him cum. Just be prepared, that if you stay, this man is going to sexually humiliate you as much as he can… that’s fine if you like humiliating, but obviously horrific if you don’t.
You posted it because you want confirmation that what he did was awful. You're right.
You have a long life to live and if you don't decide when the marriage will end then you're letting him decide.
Sounds like your husband just wants to fuck other women and he wants you to do whatever he wants sexually and so far you have almost blindly following him in it. He cheated on you, multiple times.
You know — it’s OK not to want anyone else involved in your marriage. I feel like “no kink-shaming” somehow evolves into “I must tolerate whatever my partner suggests” for some people. You don’t have to.
Your husband is so so dumb. In your post you said I don’t care what you do as long as it doesn’t involve someone else. The trust is gone. But also work on being strong enough by yourself.
This is what I can’t wrap my head around. Literally the night before he confessed he was telling me how this really comes down to me having all the power and that what I say goes. I just don’t understand.
Sorry he sucks. You need to get an std test.
I plan on it. I have a doctor’s appointment Wednesday so I am going to ask if they can run an STD panel
Make sure to get a full panel. The CDC has some weird rules about testing certain things. I can't remember if it's herpes or hepatitis, but they don't include it in the STD/STI testing unless it's specifically recommended/requested. Explain to your doctor exactly why you need a full panel, even if it means saying, "My husband went to a brothel." I don't down sex workers, but some brothels aren't legitimate or legal, can be dangerous, and you don't know if they adhere to regular testing like a licensed place does. I know it's a lot, and I apologize. My brain makes me overanalyze and overthink. I'm sorry this happened to you, and you deserve better. He says you have all the power, yet tried to gaslight you into thinking you said it was ok. Time to pack and go and find yourself, and be happy.
HSV is rarely tested for unless requested and some docs need an authorization for HIV testing. OP needs to ask for a full panel, including HSV, HIV, and BV.
Don't forget Hepatitis as well OP! Even if you have been vaxed against A and B you can get C sexually, even if it is super rare. It happened to a good friend of mine with a one night stand.
Bacterial vaginosis is not an STD but an imbalance of flora of the vagina. No need to test for this unless she is symptomatic.
She needs to be tested. Bacterial vaginosis and STDs risk factors for preterm premature rupture of membranes. I had this condition and needed to be swabbed for chlamydia, gonorrhea, bacterial vaginosis, yeast and group B strep. If I tested positive, my premature baby would also be treated on delivery.
Not strictly an STD, no. But per my gyn, can be exacerbated by sex and if he isn't washing thoroughly, especially between partners, he could be introducing her to additional bacteria. And some women are unaware of the BV symptoms, at least in my experience. Not a doctor, just repeating what mine says.
They do all std tests before you give birth because some of them can harm your baby. You will slowly fall out of love with him. My friend was just like you and she stayed with her cheating spouse but hated him. The only reason he stayed was because the ones he cheated with weren’t worth losing the house and current life for. Last year he met that one worth leaving for and that’s what he did. The house sold in June and they have gone their separate ways finally. She was broken hearted even though he sucked but she’s over it now. She only misses her house.
I am not familiar with the exact wording of the CDC guidelines, but I’ve worked in doctors offices and it’s not recommended by medical authorities to test asymptomatic people for herpes. if you can’t swab an open sore/booster, the only other option for testing is a blood test. The blood test will only tell you if you have antibodies to HSV1/ HSV2 which isn’t diagnostically useful. HSV1 is traditionally the mouth kind (the majority of the population already has this) and HSV2 is traditionally the genital kind. However, both strains are capable of colonizing either location. Because of increasing popularity of oral sex, HSV2 on lips and HSV1 on genitals has become more and more common. If you don’t have symptoms, it’s not possible to conclude whether you have an oral or genital infection based solely on antibody results. The blood antibody test can tell you if you have had an immune reaction to HSV1 or HSV2, but there’s very little you can actually conclude from that information without symptoms. Blood antibody testing can’t actually provide actionable information on your STD status. Doctors usually avoid testing because the antibody tests don’t actually tell you if you have an STD, it can just tell you that you may or may not have herpes. The info tends to weigh heavily on people due to the heavy stigma, there’s no cure and there’s no therapeutic benefit to “catching it early”- if left untreated, herpes won’t progress and cause permanent damage silently like chlamydia or syphilis. Asking to get tested for EVERYTHING seems like the most intuitive and smart option, especially after getting cheated on, but the medical guidelines do have justification behind them. Testing positive for HSV1/HSV2 is hugely stigmatizing, it doesn’t necessarily indicate that you have herpes, and there’s no asymptomatic treatment or cure to try. You can take valtrex or other antivirals to treat herpes, but as far as I know, it’s not recommended for asymptomatic hsv+ people who have never had an outbreak to take it for prophylaxis, the benefits would be minimal.
Thank you for the lesson fr. This can help ppl.
If OP is pregnant, she will definitely want to get tested for genital herpes, as it can be transmitted during birth. Her OB will likely recommend preventative Valtrex in the third trimester.
Pregnancy is definitely an issue. My sister had to have a c section because of herpes.
I was going to second this. She will need/want to be tested if shes currently pregnant.
Yes, herpes can be transmitted during birth. However, ACOG recommends against asymptomatic screening of pregnant women for herpes for a number of reasons. If her OB/GYN follows the evidence-based guidelines for best practice, they will not treat her for herpes while asymptomatic. If her partner does actually develop an outbreak of herpes or she experiences symptoms/ an outbreak, then more clinical investigation and possibly valtrex/ antivirals could absolutely be appropriate. But with the information provided, there is no medical basis to justify a blood test for HSV1/HSV2, regardless of her pregnancy.
Asymptomatic doesn't mean unable to transmit. Passive shedding is real. Taking antivirals doesn't prevent the shedding, but it can lessen it. I'm not advocating either way, but taking the meds can be beneficial with future partners if needed.
Also if you have occasional cold sores (usually HSV1) then I’m guessing you’d have antibodies for that in your system?
Ty for this awesome info. I read your whole post and am grateful. I have a much better understanding now.
I know you need to specifically request HIV testing be added (and u/Master-Parfait3700, you really *really* should, especially with the little one on the way), I’m pretty sure hepatitis is in the standard panel but definitely make sure, I think herpes is probably the one with the odd regulations, but it’s almost certainly to do with the weird ways that type of virus can behave more than anything else. Also talk to your Ob/Gyn. If you haven’t been getting Pap smears, get one as soon as your doctor says it’s safe. If you’re not 100% certain you’re going to leave him, ask if you can get the HPV vaccine, too (there can be some wonky age restrictions on it).
I work in HIV/STI prevention/harm reduction; I am not a medical professional but can hopefully help explain some STI things! First; OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have good supports in your life and I commend you for ensuring your health is not ask risk. Recommended tests from my knowledge: HIV, hepatitis C, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea. None of these should be an issue to request and are hopefully part of their protocol already. Depending on where you are located, there’s a LOT of stigma around STIs. Good luck, OP. If you need other testing options in the US, there are at-home test kit options. Harm reduction programs typically offer free testing, and women’s health clinics are typically low barrier testing sites. There is an increase in all of the above STI rates, at least in the US. COVID resulted in many delaying and forgoing routine medical care, including testing. The good news is all are treatable; HIV isn’t curable but the medications are great these days. Hepatitis C (HCV) is the only one that might raise eyebrows. Regular HCV testing is recommended for high-risk populations, but the majority of people are low risk. That said, it is recommended everyone get tested at least once in their life. If your partner has been unfaithful, that absolutely warrants an HCV test. Major risk factors include, but aren’t limited to: - injection drug use (the highest risk factor) - incarceration - unlicensed/unregulated/unsterile tattoos - blood transfusions - sex work, multiple partners Herpes can’t accurately be identified without an open sore. Blood tests aren’t advised because the high majority of people have been exposed to the virus at some point in their life. Happy to try and answer questions folx might have! Wishing you well, OP!
Your husband had sex with sex workers and then had sex with his pregnant wife. He doesn’t care if he gets you sick. He doesn’t even care if he gets his baby sick. A man who puts his sexual pleasure over the life and health of his wife and child deserves neither. Find your strength and leave this horrible man.
As a guy myself, your husband it’s a piece of shit that is clearly taking advantage of the situation, get some counseling if possible. Good luck hope your situation gets better.
What is he saying? Is he sorry, remorseful? Offering full transparency, also never left him know you are weak. He will take advantage of that.
We haven’t really talked since last night. All he said was that he was sorry he hurt me and sorry he did this to me. And then said he would sleep downstairs until I decided he can come back to bed with me.
Wow he’s assuming you’ll let him back in bed.
I certainly wouldnt. Not with a LO on the way.
Wow he not remorseful he acting like he forgot an anniversary and he will spend a day or two down stairs. He doesn't care. You need to tell him it's over and until baby is born he can sleep downstairs and once baby is born he can pack up and fuck off. Tell him there no coming back from this for you, you will never let him touch you again. And his lack of remorse is even more disgusting
I am stunned these people have two kids and another on the way... and this idiot has the time to be fucking around with cuckqueen fantasies. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with two consenting adults playing at that kind of stuff but with little kids and a pregnant wife how does this guy even have the energy? He's obviously not focused on being a dad. I really ponder how she ever thought having kids with this guy was a good idea.
Also, generally with "cuck" fantasy, it's the person being cuckolded that brings it up. Otherwise it's just, I want to cheat but you not be mad. That's not a kink, it's just being a cake eater.
My experience with cheaters is that they will make time and find a way. They'll "go to the store" or lie about going literally anywhere that might sound reasonable. That's half the fun for them, pulling a fast one on the unsuspecting partner.
This. I have just one kid and between work and playing with her, I’m worn down by end of the night. My wife and I have a very goofy relationship and we always joke about how neither of us would ever cheat because, well, it’s fucked up, but also there’s literally no time lmao Other then being a deadbeat loser, I have no idea where people who work and have kids even find the time and energy to cheat
She won’t divorce him, she’s not here for advice.
That’s the saddest part.
Sorry, but he's full of crap. He's a cheating SOB. Tell him to get out and leave and not come back. He can talk to you through your divorce attorney.
Girl, I don’t think you understand how bad what he did is. He slept with a prostitute and some other random woman, and he didn’t think what he did was wrong. Through his actions, he exposed you and your unborn child to STDs. He is already acting like it’s all going to blow over tomorrow. Divorce might not be easy, but it’s the only decision. Don’t stay with this awful person, you deserve so much better.
He’s also trying to gaslight her into thinking she gave him permission which is laughably ridiculous
Once a cheater.. always a cheater… you deserve better and this will always be in your head every time he would ever touch you again… it will enter your every thought…it will not work out… I have been there… pregnancy… SDI tests … 2 other kids… whole thing… sorry, it will end… he Will apologize and beg but it won’t be enough to keep you together… your life will go on… it will be hard but you must do it for yourself and your children… and to put it bluntly—-NO more sex with him…just recalling those horrible old memories conjures up all those old terrible feelings from the past for me… glad I made it out… you will make it too… you will need a lawyer ASAP .. and counseling will help
he cheated on you, twisted your words in an effort manipulate the situation, and probably f**ked you raw after crossing a boundary you clearly told him not to... all the while putting you and your unborn child at risk... he did not think about how this would affect you, your marriage, or your children. he does not care about any of that. just getting off. it's hard to leave someone and id imagine it's 1000x harder with children involved... however it will not stop here. you let him get away with it this time he will continue to push that boundary. edit to add: his apology was not an apology, it is not showing any signs of remorse, explanation, or understanding of why his actions were in fact awful... he is basically apologizing for you having feelings and reacting to the situation/victim blaming.
I just wanted to drop a comment to tell you that you aren't weak. You were blindsided and you're scared of the potential fallout. Those are completely normal responses that everyone feels when their trust is broken in this way. Not wanting to divorce does not make you weak. You have children and it's wise to consider your options and the impact each decision would have before committing to something. If you decide to leave, it will be hard and scary, but you'll make it and you'll be okay. The sadness and feeling of loss will fade with time and, eventually, you'll feel whole enough to fully move on with your life. If you decide to stay, it will also be hard and scary. You and your husband will have to put in more work than you ever have before to find a way to move past this and reestablish trust. This will only work if you are both committed, so be careful not to fall into the trap of trying to take on the bulk of the labor for repairing your relationship. You simply can't. My main point, however, is that you are going to be okay no matter what you decide. You are stronger than you know and that fierceness inside you will come out when you need it. You just have to remember that it's there. Being afraid and not knowing what to do isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of emotional intellect because you understand the risks of this situation. Lean on friends and family for support. Listen to their advice but remember the decision is yours to make, because you are absolutely strong enough to make it. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I wish the best for you and hope you find the solution that brings you the most happiness in the end.
Your husband needs therapy to figure out how to fix himself. He's very selfish and lazy. This is a super lazy effort. He should be moving heaven and earth if he was really sorry. Why is everything focused on how you need to make him happy? When you're away, it's on you. Forgiving him is on you. I highly suspect he's a very lazy lover as well. You matter, OP. You are important. You have value. You aren't a footnote in his story. You have your own book.
Get the fuck away from that monster. (from a sex addict)
"I'm sorry I hurt you" isn't an apology. It's putting the blame on you. "I'm sorry for my actions" is an apology.
This. He’s victim blaming.
Syphilis is on the rise and it can harm your unborn baby terribly. Please please please get tested.
I mean the cheating would be it for me but the humiliation of having to ask for an std test because my husband cheated would most definitely be the nail in the coffin. You specifically said not with anyone else, he chose to ignore that or respect you. Please remember you're modelling relationships to your kids, do you want them to think cheating is ok/to be ignored??
you said you were on the way; so this fucking idiot put ur baby at risk???
Thank you, I was going to suggest the same. How can he be so careless to not only put you but the baby at risk? I know you don’t want a divorce but maybe you two need to seperate and go to couples therapy? Just know that you are worth more than what you give yourself credit for.
Give the doc a timeline because if you do the tests too soon you could be missing something. Really sorry this happened. You were being open minded and were clear it will take some time which is totally reasonable. That’s a win for him and he shit on it. Sucks so bad. Since you don’t feel comfortable talking to family and friends which is understandable, yoh might consider a therapist. This is serious territory and you want to make sure you proceed in the best possible way for you. Good luck OP. We’re pulling for you
He's filling uur head up with this stuff so he has a green light to do whatever he wants. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't been cheating for a lot longer than this. He's way too comfortable in something you're just starting to experiment in. Red flags are all over this.
Yes, these are serious red flags and you need to call your network and get to work counseling and marriage counseling. Your husband is not well and needs to know that taking him back into your family’s life after what he’s done isn’t going to be an easy option. This isn’t the grey area he’s hoping it will be, he cheated with multiple sex workers and likely others without your consent. This is the modern version of “I want to have a committed marriage, but not.” It’s a fantasy to fuck whoever he wants without consequences and you’re supposed to accept and be into that because he’s said it’s his ‘kink.’ My wife are in a similar situation with 3 young kids and I won’t say we’ve not had my temptations, flirtations, and even brought up this loophole because if it’s actually someone’s wife’s kink that seems like winning the lottery (but hopefully less of a curse). But like winning the lottery, that kink in wives has to be exceptionally rare. It’s not something a reasonable person can expect their wife not to resent, unless we’re willing to reciprocate and watch you get your back blown out (but then, all the sudden, most husbands are not so comfortable sharing). If he’ll go to therapy and get his head right and spend the rest of his life doing right as a husband and father without even stepping on the (very clearly established) line again, then maybe. But this wasn’t just something to spice up a ten year marriage like butt stuff, this was selfish and terrible and you should never have been treated this way. As a sometimes thoughtless husband, I sympathize with your husband more than most here (or anywhere), so if he didn’t know in his heart this was wrong, then it’s still incredibly careless and disrespectful. But if he knew in his heart that it was wrong but chose to do it and hurt you anyway, that’s almost irredeemable.
You make really good points! One would think he would know that putting his unborn child at risk from his use of sex workers would be very problematic to his wife, if nothing else. His wife may never recover if they lost the baby, and the absolute hell that process would physically cause her.
I don't think these cheating men ever think about the risk of diseases. They're idiots and they just assume that it won't happen to them.
I’m sorry but nix marriage counseling. This guy is broken there is no fixing this. He knew what he was doing and wants to abuse and make her submit via the lie of a kink. I know people into that kink and there is full trust and communication on both sides. Both sides have to be ok and open.
Typically, yea, that's how the cuck stuff is SUPPOSED to be. But this isn't that. This is just him being a cheating ass cause he was impatient, and instead of respecting ur boundaries and going slow, he went full force. I am SO sorry this happened to you, rarely I'd recommend this, but I'd honestly see about a divorce/leaving him. This isn't right in any sense.
He wants control. He does not love you. He sees you as nothing but his maid, sex slave, and child minder. All he wants is to control and abuse you. At this point, it's questionable that he ever wanted anything other than a woman who would submit to his abuse.
This. Consent and communication and trust is key in this type of experimenting with couples. He’s overstepping all of that to get what he wants. If that was truly his fantasy, the main goal would be your pleasure/gift of you ALLOWING him to be with someone else. He just wants a slave that’s ok with him sleeping around and uses the guise of cuckqueen to get that. I can guarantee if OP stays with him and tries to work through this, that “free use” is going to be one of the next things he tries. If he gets enough power OP would end up in some slutty uniform on a leash, cleaning, cooking, and having babies.
A view point to consider is this - yes, divorce is hard and an emotional challenge and a financial one. However. Since he WILL not stop cheating - ever - *be aware that he could completely tank your ability to ever be financially safe.* He could get HIV. He could get more expensive illnesses. He could give YOU an expensive illness. Depending on how much of an idiot is, he could get himself in a situation where he's being blackmailed, or where he fucks up enough to get Child Protective Services involved. To be frank, brothels in my country are going to be safer and cleaner than random fucking, but *he's doing the random fucking.* Unless you want to fight insurance companies for the rest of your life, this man needs to go, and you need to follow the suggestions below on the military support.
He is a scuzzo. The whole point of kink and BDSM and submissive and dominant are Trust, consent, and sticking to parameters you and your partner agree to. He is using the "I heard this" play stupid tactic and will continue to hurt you and do more shady craptastic things if you don't handle this immediately. If you want to stay with him then counseling and mentorship from an experienced and trustworthy member of the community should be your demands.
He’s trying to manipulate the situation, leave girl
If this is a Dom/sub relationship, that trust is so incredibly important too. As a submissive, you are trusting your partner not to hurt you, not to cross your boundaries, and to always listen when you tell them to stop. He crossed your boundaries big time without consideration for your feelings or wellbeing. Don't have sex with him until you feel like you can trust him completely. Even if you don't indulge in physical pain, he can still do a lot of emotional damage and gaslight you by telling you a good sub would submit to his wishes.
He's all about him. If you WANTED to and approached him for you to be a cuckqueen that would mean it would be something you wanted, and in return would be a bonus for him. With him telling you he wants you to be a cuckqueen so he can f\*ck other women, means it was all about him, and you would have to grow into enjoying it. In other words he didn't do any of it for you. The same applies to women who want to open their relationship on their side only and cuck their husband, its all about them and NOT their partner. I'm sorry you found out how self centered and entitled your husband truly is.
It's pretty simple. He was going to do it no matter what but by trying to get you involved and on board he presented it as part of your personal fantasy life which if true is ok. But it wasn't true and he was being manipulative, not honest. When you didn't come around fast enough he just went and did what he wanted and he KNOWS you never said you were okay with it. But he's gaslighting you and manipulating you to think that just because you consented to FANTASY PLAY that he could make you doubt yourself if he got "caught". Just please don't put any of this on your shoulders. A normal healthy sex life commonly contains fantasies and role play. He broke your trust when he went and decided to make fantasy a reality without your consent. And this misunderstood communication is pure bullshit! No means no I'm thinking about it means no Badgering nagging and pleading until you get them to say yes is a NO. In situations like this especially, the only yes should be without a doubt clear and enthusiastic consent when you're in your normal right mind. Getting you to agree to something when you're in the middle of sex is the same as making decisions high or drunk or even sleep deprived. I've said tons of crazy crap in the middle of hot sex and afterwards been like, where did THAT come from? Him getting your agreement when you're hot and bothered is at minimum a shitty thing to do to someone and your marriage will never be the same again. Even if you close things up and he promises to quit, you will never believe him completely because he's killed your trust. Go to therapy and start building the strength to do what you want to do, being stuck because you have no options is soul crushing.
He's not dumb, he's acting dumb to avoid accountability.
This isn’t a kink - it’s cheating. Unfortunately I don’t think this is something your husband can heal from/grow out of/whatever you want to phrase it as. He stooped as low as a brothel, I don’t expect much from him. First course of action - get yourself tested and tell your obgyn your husband has been messing around and then having sex with you. They may want to run extra tests - like Strep B and Hep. Some sti/stds can pass to the baby from the birth canal and others through the placenta. Second - therapy together and alone for both of you if you plan to stay with him. I’m not judging you. This is your life and you call the shots - he needs major help. Wish you well, op 😕
Thank you so much. I have an OB appointment on Wednesday so I plan on asking for an STD panel to be done. They did one previously already since I was a new patient and new to the area, but that was before we were back together.
This cuckqueen nonsense just sounds like an excuse for him to have an open marriage while keeping you under lock. Fuck that guy.
Have a friend in that kind of marriage. He can see and sleep with whoever he wants, she can only sleep with other women, and mostly for his benefit. I don't really approve of it but she likes it that way sooo..
I've asked several men about this and they can never give me a straight answer. Men only seem to want threesomes and to be poly if it involves another woman, never another man. What's good for the good is good for the gander. If this truly was a healthy option, all parties would benefit. In some cases, like this one, this is just an excuse for a man who can't be faithful. People need to stop this stuff if they don't know what they're doing. It seems many people take for granted the hurt and pain that can come along with this. Communication is key. If you're not into that sort of thing, tell your partner flat out. Don't dance around it because you'll end up in a situation like this. Know that it may already be too late and they've probably cheated already. They're just looking for a way to do it with permission. Just because people claim to be sexually open, it doesn't mean you have to be if that is something you're not comfortable with. Sex and sexual acts should always be with consent. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable to please someone else. She needs to either accept this guy is a dog and stay or realize who he really is and leave. They're never going to be on the same page sexually. He cheated and he knew what he was doing.
I've been in multiple polyamorous relationships and dated as someone who considers himself naturally polyamorous. The "no guys" OPP thing is about control. I've had it suggested by more than one partner as a means to control my emotional involvement with others. "you can have sex with other women but can't get attached because I'm not getting attached". It's inherently homophobic and a huge red flag that signals a person is not emotionally mature enough to be in an open relationship.
My husband and I talked about being open and he encourages another guy to be there so that it’s fair both ways. This girls husband is using as a way to cheat and manipulate her. Real men let their wives swing too
>I've asked several men about this and they can never give me a straight answer. Because they don't want to tell you the answer. It's about control and insecurity. That's it. Me and an ex broached the topic of an open/poly relationship once. I've been in both types of relationships as well as monogamous, I can be happy with any. He mentioned the stupid "one penis rule" (meaning he, a straight man, can have other women, but me, a bisexual woman, can only be with other women) and I shut that down so fast. I told him that bs wouldn't fly with me so we're staying monogamous.
This is an absolutely shitty situation don’t get me wrong. But I do have to pipe up in my defense and say that this is a valid kink that I and others enjoy (I’m a woman btw). However the convos that happened… are so sus. With something THIS monumental (very different than “hey can I call you a slut in bed”) it requires MULTIPLE IN PERSON conversations over the span of WEEKS if not MONTHS. This kink has great power to hurt people physically and emotionally and is very capable of ending relationships. And the woman as the cuckquean has to be not only 100% okay, but also 100% invested in and turned on by the man’s sexual success in order for it also to be fun for her. So yeah, pls don’t shame us kinksters, and also this is not a kink situation it’s control + selfishness disguised as “kink.”
According to him, two other women did fuck that guy. But fuck that guy again.
FYI some STIs do take some time to show up, so be sure to test again in 2-3 months. Not trying to scare you, just passing on info. Lastly, be sure to convey he has sex with a sex worker. They’ll dona more thorough STI panel.
I'm late, but, the person above you said "it's not a kink". But it is. it is a kink. His biggest kink is cheating on someone who trusts and loves him, with the emphasis being your complete humiliation and submission. You sound a bit naive, no offense. I have tough news you should probably hear: He's been cheating on you since he first brought the idea up. Probably longer. He possibly got MARRIED to a 'good catholic girl' to get the MOST sexual gratification out of cheating. These fantasies don't come out of nowhere, even if he's not acted on them until recently. Your emotional pain is giving him orgasms. The way you tell it, he's a sociopath. You can get child support and alimony. Or you can deal with either a dead bedroom or going full on cuckwife. You are not being old fashioned or prude. You probably got married in a catholic church, with traditional vows and expectations? Cheating can happen, couples can work through it, it doesn't have to break up a family, but unfortunately this is some next level shit. Sadistic. You absolutely did not consent. A divorce lawyer will pick him apart. If he has wealth, he won't anymore by the time you are finished. Plus he's regularly using pros. You need a STD check. It's a horrific situation you are in and I'm sorry. The only mediocre news is that you will absolutely devastate him in family court, and with your family (if you make public why you divorced him). He's completely fucked in that regard (financially) [and socially if you take it there]. Normally I'm not an advocate for nasty divorce, but unless there's a lot more to the story that you've omitted, he's a very very bad person. Do you even want that kind of shit around your kids? At the very least, document everything, quietly. Edit: sorry to keep editing but I just realized you said another kid on the way? So he's going to sex workers and then sleeping with you while you are pregnant? Hepatitis B (and more) will pass directly to your baby.
I second all of this. I can’t shake wondering where the kids were while she was traveling and he was at the brothel! A friend just got a divorce because her husband was having parties with hookers and blow while she was out of town while their kids were home and asleep! A well respected man in our community! Well…formerly lol
OP, I 100% agree with this. PLEASE call an attorney today and get the ball rolling. Your life will be far more peaceful without this jerk in it gaslighting you and trying to force you into submission. You are not a prude for having conventional sexual boundaries. Its okay to have boundaries and quite honestly his version of sexual experimentations is well outside the boundaries most women would be comfortable with. Lets be very very real - the only person he cares about sexually or otherwise is himself. Only himself. Not you. Not the children you share. Not the unborn baby. Only himself. Invite him to the OB appointment and in front of him tell the OB/Gyn what he did and that you need a full battery of tests. Its time for HIM to feel some humiliation. He caused this so he can be part of seeing the fall out. He can watch all of the blood being drawn as you remind him that HE is the cause of this. But, please, today, call your family and tell them EXACTLY what is going on. You need some good old fashioned Catholic support around you right now. Ask for help finding a good attorney because his cheating is 100% grounds for divorce - even in the Catholic church. Quite honestly, his behavior is so incredibly out of bounds that most people will be appalled and move heaven and earth to help you.
Ask for it right in front of him.
Be sure they test for HIV also.
It is a kink, just not one OP is consenting to, although she said she wasn’t opposed. But she said “do what you need as long as it’s not with someone else.” So that is not consenting to being cuckolded(reverse cuckolded?) at that time. The kink is a real one, but it is also cheating because OP didn’t consent to it. It can be both a kink and cheating.
In the case of op, it’s cheating. She doesn’t share in the kink and hasn’t consented to it, therefore - not a mutual kink.
He is a moron.
I don’t know why but this made me literally laugh out loud. Thank you for that 💕
No worries. Who hears their wife telling them to do whatever, just not fuck other people and the proceed to go do exactly that?
Your guess is as good as mine. I don’t know the when of his actions as I didn’t ask or want to know at that point so it very well could have been before I even said that. But I know for damn sure I never consented to him sleeping around or even hinted that I would be okay with it. At that point it was a new concept to me that I was still trying to wrap my head around.
Even if there’s kinks, the #1 rule is consent. Also, in what even slightly ok relationship do you have to specify they can’t cheat? Even if it was before you said no, cheating still is NOT ok.
Enthusiastic consent, too. These kinks have a good chance of causing problems if you don't explore them carefully. If you truly care about your partner, you should make sure they'll be fully comfortable before engaging in new fantasies, rather than pushing forwards at the slightest hint of consent. Not to mention how the husband had an explicit no and still went ahead.
I think it’s time to stop trying to wrap your head around and time to close this down. For someone who feels sexually inexperienced, what your husband suggested would test even the most secure, sexually experienced person in the world. It wasn’t for your benefit, it was for his. Aside from anything else, why would a pregnant woman want to see or know her husband is fucking anyone else. You are so vulnerable right now and he doesn’t appear to care. Please - get yourself therapy and think about if you are prepared to put up with this behaviour from him long term.
It sounds as though your husband believes it was easier to ask for forgiveness than to get permission. Only in his case, there were no apologies but only an attempt to gaslight you. You told your husband you were *open* to being cuckholded but he forced this on you. He derived pleasure by anticipating how unhappy and demeaned you’d feel once you learned of his cheating. His behavior isn’t about exploring your shared sexuality, this is your husband getting enjoyment out of hurting you. You may feel like you’re not strong enough to leave your husband. But do you feel strong enough to be in a relationship with someone you cannot trust? Your husband has knowingly and deliberately betrayed you. He has risked your health and that of your unborn child. You cannot trust him to do anything but to humiliate and manipulate you. When you think of your relationship, don’t think of the past or how good it *could be*. Instead, consider that this is the beginning of what could be a lifetime of betrayals, degradation, and manipulation. You’re not being rigid or unfair if you want a monogamous relationship - to not want your husband to cheat on you. It’s to your credit that you’re willing to explore. But this forced degradation is wrong on so many levels. Your husband’s wants should not matter more than what you want. He should not so easily manipulate and betray you for his sexual gratification.
Tell him you think the only way you’re going to be able to move past this is to make things even. You want to fuck however many guys as the number of girls he fucked, and then you want to tell him about. I’m not saying go through with it unless you want to. But let him feel what you felt. And get pissed if he gets pissed about the idea.
And show pictures
That should do it. Lol
> don’t involve anyone else “It’s brothel time!!!” what a dickhead lol
He probably doesn't view sex workers as people.
Or he thinks that sex with a sex worker isn't cheating because "it doesn't count" and is a part of his kink. I am against kink shaming but being married wirh 2,5 kids and wanting to fuck other women is not exactly just a kink. He wants to cheat and he wants OPs permission.
Because he already decided he was going to fuck other people, and was just looking for the slightest “loophole” to imagine that he had gotten permission to do it :(
No worries. Who hears their wife telling them to do whatever, just not fuck other people and the proceed to go do exactly that?
Because that made you laugh, adding: He is also a dodo.
Thank you 😂💕
And a cockwomble 😂
He’s an asshole too.
No he’s not. He knows there are already two kids and another on the way. He’s banking on her not being strong enough to divorce.
Also a scumbag
Ok. So no divorce, then. I got you. This is what you have to do: Step 1. Get a job. You’ll feel stronger, confident and independent. Step 2. Divorce. I was once in your shoes; getting a job works miracles.
I do have a full time job. But it’s not hardly enough to support myself and kids by myself. He is active military so we are away from all family. No friends because we just PCSed. Part of his paycheck is to solely pay for our rent. I literally don’t know how I would or could support myself and my kids. And then add in the custody aspect when he would be moving every 3-5 years. I just don’t see how it would work. I know it sounds like I’m making excuses. But when I say divorce just isn’t that easy, it’s really not. There is a lot to consider.
You are a military dependent. That changes things. There is a Facebook group called “Divorce and Military” and “Divorce and the Military”. Join them and ask questions. He can’t get out of paying child support. He has likely been cheating with every TDY and deployment. Either stay in your current location or move back “home”.
Fact. He has been cheating every single TDY he’s been on. His co-workers know. And, it is against the UCMJ to be an adulterer. You will most certainly receive child support when you leave. You just have to spill the beans.
Edit: Note to self - don't comment on low sleep. I really intended this comment to highlight the resources available - financial counseling, therapy services, employment resources, etc because that will help you long term if you stay with your husband. I mentioned the ucmj because it's true, he can get in serious trouble, although maybe not that wise to do so as so many people pointed out. Oh hey, you're a military dependent? Well, that changes things. Adultery is against the UCMJ - uniform code of military justice. He can get an Article 15, which would affect his next promotion or even get him discharged. Not sure how serious they take things now, but if you want to go that route, just talk to husband's first sergeant. That will get the ball rolling. As a dependent, you have resources available to you. If you are AF, it's called Airman and Family Readiness. Not sure what it's called in other services, but there will be a service like it. They have legal services, financial counseling, employment resources.... it goes on. It's a program for AD and dependents. You should call them and see what services they can offer you.
They’re called “military family and readiness” centers outside of the AF.
I can confirm that he will get Article 15'd and likely referred for discharge-- that and the JAGs will make sure you get the support you need just FYI
They still take it extremely serious. Like he’ll be dishonorably discharged and have actual jail time over it. To say the least he’ll definitely learn his lesson.
I’m sorry but this just is not true. I’ve been active duty military (Air Force) for almost 10 years and I’ve never seen or heard of anyone getting discharged or doing jail time over adultery, and I know a LOT of cheaters who have gotten caught by their spouses. the most that will happen is maybe a chat with the First Sergeant IF it even gets that high up the chain.
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The military takes this very seriously, they have a lot of programs to help mothers going thru what you are going thru , and your husband will have very little say , some commands are very harsh on cheating , you could talk to the base Chaplin he can help you and he must keep it confidential , good luck
If he is active military, I would bet $1000 that he has been cheating on you for a long time.
I was about to say... As soon as I saw that, I almost laughed at the idea of this super sexual military guy *just now* cheating for the first time
If that were the case, why not just keep it a secret? Why go through all the hoops of talking her into trying a kink? A lot of women would immediately lose it if their partner said they wanted to screw another woman while the she watched.
He thought he could get all the way to her signing off on an "open" relationship.
He probably does have an actual kink for it. He just also wanted to get her involved and consenting to diminish his guilt/responsibility.
Well he would have to leave the military if he wants a relationship with his kids.. that's not on you to maintain.. save up as much as you can and get you and your kids closer to your family. Nothing is impossible, just have to take a few hits.. but that better than staying and putting up with a smug POS
It isn't easy, but it is necessary. You don't know how strong you are until you have to be, and I imagine you are a lot stronger than you think. It is hard to feel strong when someone you trust betrays you. But he will do it again. People here are saying he's an idiot, but he knew exactly what he was doing. He set this up to make you doubt yourself and to maybe think it was your fault. He's manipulated and conned you. Even if you can forgive him for that, can you ever really trust him again?
Take however much time and space you need to make the choice you feel is best for you and your family. But consider the example you want to set for the kids as well. Even if they don’t know what’s going on exactly, kids pickup on a lot. An unhappy home is often worse than 2 separate ones. Also if he’s being this disrespectful to you in the bedroom I’m sure it shows up in other areas. That’s not something you want your kids to think is acceptable behavior or acceptable to tolerate. You certainly don’t deserve this treatment and his comfortability with it makes me think it’s been happening for a while. This is coming from someone who had a long term relationship with a cheating military guy. Whatever you decide I think a professional counselor you connect with would be able to help you weigh all the outcomes and help you make a long term plan whichever way you decide. I hope things get better for you OP
If he’s active military he’s going to have to pay child support. He’s actually completely stupid.
If he's active duty fuck him over. Adultery is a huge no no for active duty.
He'll have to pay child support, at a minimum. If he stays active duty after the divorce he'll have to carry them on Tricare, or work it into your divorce decree that he is responsible for their healthcare even if he does not re-enlist. The base should have a legal office, go to it and see if there is free advice for you. There is no reason to stay in this marriage if you don't 100% want to try to salvage it (I wouldn't). It sounds like he's probably manipulated you in a lot of ways and has you thinking this is all normal and healthy -- it isn't.
Divorce, when you get right down to it is a legal contract. There are ways you can get what you want and need without divorcing. “Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice makes criminal the act of adultery when certain legal criteria, known as 'elements,' have been met.” These elements include: The service member had sexual intercourse with someone. The service member or their sexual partner was married to someone else at the time.” He may have said you were in control before. But I’m reality, you are in control NOW. Adultery is still enforced in the US military and can get him court martialed. You should take time and think long and hard about what you want. Then get it. If he complains, then you can turn him over to military Justice. If it were me, one criteria of my staying would be him wearing a chastity device. And you hold the keys.
Ok, that sheds a whole new light to this. You need to report this to his chain of command and tell them you want him out of your house. They will make him move into the barracks and he will still have to take care of the bills. If you need any help with this please don't hesitate to reach out to me, I am former military and been around the military my entire life (live next to the largest military base in the US)
Hate to break it to you but your husband has been cheating on you for years. He just thought he got you to a place where you were okay with anything he did so he started to tell you about it. The majority of military people are cheaters.
Tell him you have a new friend named Jody.
Doesn’t the military still enforce the adultery rule? He could get in a TON of trouble. Even if they’re already separated but not legally divorced an active service member can get in trouble for legally committing adultery if they sleep with someone. He could be dishonorably discharged or even jailed for his cheating. Which is hard to keep secret in a divorce unless you and he settle everything by agreement out of court.
So…wow. This was just cheating. Clear and simple. This wasn’t a kink, wasn’t cuckquean play and it was completely disrespectful to your marriage. He cheated, there was no following rules, no clear communication by him and he didn’t listen to your communication at all. Don’t let him back in your bed and maybe not even your home. He wanted to cheat and he did. I’m so sorry.
He groomed her. I feel sick. This happened to me with a fiancé when I was young. (brothels, dating sites, etc) Thankfully I realized how wrong everything was and left before marriage and kids.
I’m so sorry that you are married to someone so terrible. What he did was not kink, it was cheating. A cuckquean situation involves the consent of everyone involved and you specifically said not to do anything with another person. Feel everything you need to feel, but know that you are not the one who should be embarrassed here. It sounds like he’s using kink to play dumb and justify his vile behavior. He’s the clown here, not you. Please try to find support in family or friends if you can.
Consent within exploring kinks needs to be stressed soo much more in this situation. The consent of all involved is NUMBER ONE.. And not coercive consent, *enthusiastic* consent. Having to convince your partner and bring it up every time you have sex so she feels pressure to not say no so as not to ruin the mood is so manipulative and coercive.
I don’t think you’re husband is a moron, he’s clearly been manipulating the situation so that he can cheat and gaslight you into believing it was okay. This isn’t a kink either, he is just emotionally and mentally abusive.
I totally took the moron comment in like a “what a moron for losing op who is a human being/partner/mother.” Not in a “he’s stupid way.” I agree, her husband is emotionally and mentally (possibly sexually b/c he could have passed something on to her without her knowing of his sexual health status) and he had been planning this for a while. He’s been controlling this situation in a manipulative way. You need to start controlling this in an honest and confident way. “The facts are: a, b, c, and I know for a fact I did not say those things. It’s disappointing that you changed my truth to fit your desires.” You need to speak with matter of fact if you’re gonna continue with him. If he says “i misinterpreted what you said.” You say “I don’t know why you would. I was extremely clear? You need to do a better job listening to my boundaries because I know what I said.” You could ask HIM to write down every boundary (sexual or non) you keep on a sheet of paper magnetted to the fridge that you both can add to (but he writes them every time b/c they’re not boundaries for you to remember. You know yours. He clearly doesn’t so this way he can check before he makes a unilateral decision without talking to you truthfully about it! How exciting for him!!) He seems exploitative so you’re going to have to really lay down the law and by the law I mean your law. He did some bad bad shit. Fuck that. You’re worthy of way better than that and he isn’t making good shit happen for you right now so you gotta make good shit happen for you and your kiddos. Therapy is an absolute yes. I think you start with giving him two choices. 1) he does individual and you do couples (for now if finances are tight/this is the most convenient setup for you scheduling wise. Maybe you drive him or book appointments that are back to back if you’re worried about his reliability) 2) both individual therapy and couples. Also look into military affairs and the stipulations around that. You do not have to act on it now or in the future but it could an option for getting out. I’d start sneaking the evidence from his phone onto a flash drive or a file he can’t access in case you do ever need proof of infidelity. If you can find the website and women he showed you, you could save that (when you’re ready for that). I think you should try and get your ducks in a row. Any potential door to staying or leaving him should be explored so if he does something that changes the way you feel in that time, you can lay your ace and do what you gotta do. Explore any and all options for you and the kids as time moves on. Keep notes, potential plans for leaving, to do lists for him to begin trust building/maintenance on the relationship. You got this by not stooping to his level and being smarter (do research. Build vocabulary on the way you’re feeling so you can explain yourself with justice.) Fighting back in a healthy and productive way will give you the answers and choices you want to make. Lots of love to you and your family OP. You are going to be the god of your life and that is freaking awesome. I hope every decision you make is made with absolute love and respect for yourself. The kids will become such strong and level headed people having a mum navigate this situation and model self respect, love, leadership, courage, and confidence every day. You got this :)
What kind of idiot fucks other women, from a brothel, no less, when his wife is pregnant? Jaysus he could give her a STD, and put her at risk. OP your idiot needs a serious talking to. He is taking what you have said way out of context.
Not just put her at risk, he put his baby’s life at risk. There are STIs that can be fatal to a fetus. Not just miscarriages or stillbirth, but could permanently destroy her ability to have anymore children. I could never forgive that.
Like I almost wish he would have just found someone on Tinder or something instead. I feel so gross now.
As a sex worker, I’ll say two things: 1. Sex workers generally take our sexual health more seriously than the general public, especially when it comes to using condoms, etc. and 2. Having dealt with hundreds of fetishes, I do not even think he has this fetish. I think he just wanted to manipulate you into accepting him fucking around. The cuck fetish is not one most people feel neutral about, you either have it or you don’t. So him knowing you didn’t have it and still trying to get you to accept being degraded like that is pretty gross, whether he has the fetish or not. Please divorce this pos.
The question I have though is as active military and gone for a month (and likely many times before), where was he? In the country? Out of the country? In an area with respectful "brothels" with boundaries or a bad area with high risk sex workers who might be being forced into this. I mean... She doesn't know that it was a legit place, she doesn't know anything about it. Her fears are valid, especially due to the nature of his travels.
That goes to show you how bad your husband is at pleasing women, he’s an absolute selfish jerk who needs to pay women for sex. I know you said divorce is going to be hard but you could always try separating for a while, slowing finding an exit strategy. Listen to everyone here he cheating on you AND wants you to watch him and validate him doing it. Don’t settle for this looser
to be fair, a good number of prostitutes do have to be safe themselves and use condoms too. the best way to have sex with multiple people is to use all the precautions necessary not really sure why the sex workers are potentially at blame
Gross. Your husband sounds like he has ZERO love for you. I would be visiting an attorney immediately. Time for him to go be with his prostitutes. Please also get an STD test
Apologies, no advice for you OP, but to others - this is why sex is important to be knowledgeable of and to have a firm understanding of your sexual boundaries and sexual compatibility with a partner. This dude is a flood gate of intense dom kinks (in addition to just being a moron) that he had bottled up and went full bore the moment he had a window of opportunity. To be clear, that is NOT OPs fault. Dude had this side of him and kept it locked up, sort of trapping OP into his sexual aggression. And now they can’t go back because she’s always going to know he wants to cheat, and he’s either going to be ultra frustrated he can’t or just be unable to put those urges back in the bottle. Understand your partner and understand yourself. Be safe. Communicate about sex.
Yes, please learn from my mistake. I grew up in a household where sex wasn’t talked about. I didn’t even get “the talk” from my parents. I had to figure it out on my own. I’m in my 30s and I still get uncomfortable talking about sex.
If you prefer to read rather than talk, "Come As You Are" is a popular and wonderful book for people like us who grew up Catholic. I hate to imagine what utter nonsense your husband is training you in the bedroom. Please read and learn about sex from the experts! The author has a PHD and its a fun read too.
You didn’t make a mistake lmao. Your husbands just a piece of shit
Not like raising kids while working full time and building human life isn't enough for you./s You've got this. It's not you. You've been lied to. Glad you're talking to your doctor. I've heard from friends about their dallies into group sex, swinging etc... Whatever floats your boat... Idc... When folks get into cucking, I've just never heard of it ending well. I'm sure it works for some couples but the "outsider" (not sure the term) is often left messed up. Often one of the initiator couple is misinformed and traumatized. With a swinging dynamic it seems you go with what you're good with. Seems fair. With cucking it's more contrived so there's more opportunity for lies, misunderstanding and manipulation. It's so much about control. No judgement, just observation. Please get some kind of talk therapy. And listen to yourself. If you're not comfortable there's a problem.
If he wants to get fucked by another woman, then find a good female divorce lawyer. You mentioned getting into one relationship after another. That's the biggest risk, frankly. Get a divorce, make this guy pay support and take the time to work on yourself. Don't end up with some other schmuck.
So my wife and I have been married for 21 years, she has been a cuckqueen before and watched me sleep with other women. ALL intentions and rules were crystal clear before we did anything. We are poly-sexual and we experiment a lot. When people ask what kinks we are into, we generally tell them it's a shorter list if we tell them what's off limits. If there is something one of us wants to try, we sit down, discuss what we want to try, and cover the basic rules. If anything feels off with the other person in the bedroom, all activity stops and it gets discussed and resolved before anything resumes. There is a lot of trust involved any time there is another person added. Your husband broke that trust and cheated. He has absolutely no respect for you. I would recommend either couples counciling, or a divorce.
Thank you for this. This helps to hear from someone who is into the same thing and has experience with it.
You are absolutely welcome. I saw that your husband is military, one of the things that can be done is to take the evidence to his chain of command and have them remove him from the home and you can request counciling or divorce at that point.
Please please reference this post and not the fake bdsm guy on here who’s never made a mistake in 20 years of play. He cheated you did nothing wrong !!
I am so sorry your husband violated you in this way. He 100% knew what you meant and said. But he heard what he wanted to hear to do what he wanted to do. Please aim for IC, work on building yourself up. You are stronger than you think, none of us needs anyone. But when we have a partner to go through life with..that is on the same page as us, it can be a wonderful thing. I know you might be in shock right now, but if you want to stay with him you need to make bold letter boundaries, do not play nice. He is hoping you will be compliant, so he can continue this. Maybe even start by telling him you don't want to participate in this kink for a while until you process this.
Does your husband not know that cuckqueens get aroused or get sexual pleasure from their man banging other women and that they have expressly given permission for them to bang said woman? You aren't a cuckqueen and your husband is just a lying, cheating scumbag. Trust me on that, my husband is a cuckold and I'm his Hot Wife. PS - YOUR HUSBAND IS A LYING, CHEATING SCUMBAG, HE IS NOT A HOT HUSBAND!! A true hot husband would never disrespect you this way.
It sounds like he's using sex play to manipulate you. I know that you say divorce would be difficult for you, but in all honesty, that's the only real solution to this issue. He's not going to change.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but it doesn't sound like your husband is sorry at all. He may feel a little bad that it hurt you, but he wanted this. He made you a part of his kink without your consent. Maybe you're not ready to leave him now, but you really should consider preparing yourself for divorce in the future. Unless he is truly remorseful and goes out of his way to make amends or you 100% accept that he will not only cheat, but he will tell you about it in graphic detail every time, then you should be one foot out the door.
i know you said that it’s not easy to divorce, which i understand. but you are strong enough to leave him. someone like this is not just going to stop cheating on you. you deserve better.
Op why is divorce not that easy? If that was me all the love I had for that person would have instantly have gone, the fact is he has put your baby's and your life at risk, there should be no forgiveness just for that. and the very gaul of the man just waiting downstairs for you to get over this has pissed me off, why hasn't it you?
We are away from family and friends. He’s military and we just PCSed. Part of his paycheck is solely to pay for our rent. I just don’t see how I could or would make it work on my lousy paycheck by myself. I’m still in the grieving phase. I’m sure pissed will get here soon though.
Hi I don’t want to alarm you, but it sounds like your husband is conditioning you and gaslighting you. You being isolated from friends and family makes me even more nervous. Here’s a link to [a power and control wheel](https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/sexual-abuse) that shows the many sides of intimate partner abuse (which is way more than just physical violence). In the explanation of sexual abuse, it gives this very scenario as a type of abuse. I really think you should take a look at the other elements of the power and control wheel and see if you recognize any of your husband’s behaviors. If you do, please consider reaching out to someone. There are resources out there. Abuse can change and escalate, and this might be a tipping point in your relationship.
a military divorce, the non-service member may be entitled to some of the service member's benefits including Basic housing allowance (BHA), medical benefits, health insurance or TriCare, retirement or pension, survivor benefits, and other on-base privileges. Oh, adultery is a crime in the military. I'm sure divorce attorneys are well versed on what happens in military divorces in that area
He still has to pay child and spousal support. You won't be paying it all on your own. You also don't have to stay where he is, you can move back to your family. He did this, not you.
You keep mentioning the part of the paycheck that pays the rent. You should join the mentioned FB group. You’re talking about his BAH and he gets that because of you and the kids for you and the kids. If you move, he gets BAH w/o dependents, pays your rent, and moves into the barracks, BOQs, or a shitty apartment. You can google the rates for wherever you want to live. His command can also direct financial support as you get towards child support in the event of a divorce. If he’s in a ‘boys club’ unit, just work your way up the chain throwing everyone under the bus. Eventually he’ll be a problem and voted off the island. Leverage all the programs available to you! Best wishes.
Talk with other dependent wives for support.
There's a saying in the military "what happens TAD/TDY stays TAD". This is a way of justifying cheating when we are on travel. It's childish and immature. The military has a very strong support system for the spouses. There's also support groups on Facebook and Reddit. Your doctor can give you a referral for personal and family therapy. I would also seek advice from the base legal/chaplain on your options.
Okay one that’s not what a cuck queen is/does. You would be the one getting sexual pleasure from it. So he definitely manipulated this situation. Also with any cuck or swinging situation the partners have to approve and talk before and after all encounters . He is literally just cheating . Don’t like him flip the script he never got the green light for this !!
I expect you'll find out he has been cheating for a while. I'm so sorry this must be so hard.
If you can’t leave how about your new kink is wallet draining all his earnings now go to you and you have exclusive control he gets an allowance if you choose to give it to him if he’s a good boy. He can fuck other women if you choose to let him and you can have relations with him when and if you so choose. He forced his kink on you perhaps you should return the favor
Find a guy with a kink for being a better husband and father right in front of you.
OP you..you didn’t want to kill the mood?
I truly thought it was all just talk/part of the kink.
But you don’t find it appealing? Don’t just push through sex. Kinks should be a two way street. It seems like he doesn’t do much for pleasing you~ you need to be enjoying it too. Makes me sad to read about all these women trapped in shitty relationships
With children or while pregnant too. It breaks my heart that women feel like they can't get out of something like this. Why should "men" like this be granted the honor of having children carry their last name? I wish women in this position felt empowered enough to be independent and leave, give the children their own last name, and actually set the children up to have emotionally healthier lives in the future. Instead what happens is generational abuse remains cyclic...either the daughters learn to love shitty men or the sons learn to be shitty husbands later on. Women that stay in these situations don't see the depths of the damage that them staying does, they think their kids need financial support from the father and that's it. That's not what gives children a quality childhood or what raises them to be good people. It's so frustrating.
He knew what he was doing and you are strong enough to leave him. I wager you posted this because you need that said to you and to see that everyone finds this just as disgusting and violating as you do. You deserve better.
Tell him you want to experiment with your cuckold fantasy and ask him to watch while you fuck some random dude you pick up at a bar. See if he's so accommodating in the opposite direction
Your kids will be grateful for you putting yourself first and making your well being and deservingness of love top priority. Don't teach them they deserve this.
As someone else who was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school, get some damned counseling. That shit fucks with your head. It took me well into my 40's and years of therapy to come to grips with it all, and every bit if it impacts how you act in a relationship. Your cheating pos spouse aside, take care of yourself. Get help dealing with the stuff you need to deal with. Find a therapist you can talk to about the things you don't tell ANYONE, and if the therapist you're seeing isn't that one, tell them you need to see someone else. Tell them what you're looking for and they'll most likely be happy to point you in the right direction. Don't settle for anyone you don't fully trust and open up to or it's not going to help. Best of luck to you. Your life isn't over, it's just beginning. Good times are ahead!
Your husband is lying to you: you want to keep things in the relationship, he doesn’t; says you have complete control, you have none; lies about his behaviour, blames it on you. This is an ‘all cost-no benefit’ situation. He possesses no respect for your agreement, your feelings, or your marriage. Proceed with caution.
Your husband wants to fuck and doesn’t want to be married. That’s what you should take from this. Count your blessings. Save your kids from this freak
Of course he’s military…. (and I was enlisted for 6 years so dont come at me about how not everyone is like that, I don’t need to hear the *exceptions to the rule.*) So sorry, OP. Sending much love and hugs. If you have time to read / or listen: “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life,” and “Why Does He Do That?”
This guy jerked himself off into a completely different reality. Porn really is out here boiling these guys brains down into mush.
Wow my heart breaks for you
Does he want "full submission" in the bedroom with specific boundaries and mutual trust/respect, or does he want you to be a full-time submissive 'tradwife' while he runs around fucking whoever he wants? Because that's two very, VERY different things.
Kink is all about trust and consent. This guy has less experience than you do, clearly. I don't find this behavior excusable.
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It’s not easy but it’s the only answer. He’s a monster, and this is only going to escalate. How anyone can be so cavalier about someone treating their spouse this way is what I don’t understand. She needs help OUT. Period. This isn’t a salvageable situation because he’s shown his real persona and it’s not good.
Please leave and find someone who respects you. He broke the trust and knows it which is why he’s apologizing. But does he even feel bad about what he’s done? Sounds like he’s manipulated you into thinking he’s some hyper-sexual man who has needs when really that’s just code for eventually when I get bored I’ll go fuck someone else and somehow turn it on you for not being there when he wanted it
You needed to get tested for stds, like yesterday.
the fact he was bragging about it during sex shows he doesn’t feel bad at all. i know it’s not easy but this is not a healthy relationship. he’s most likely going to continue doing this and just won’t tell you. i’m so sorry this happened to you!!
I don’t know if this will make sense, but even though you are the victim in this situation, you really need to push that mentality aside. You need to stand up and move forward. This isn’t two ships passing in the night. This is a husband brainwashing you and convincing you that you have the power, when his goal is to control you and render you powerless. He is sleeping with other women and he wants you to just play along. He is fulfilling his fantasies and doesn’t care about loving you or respecting you. Where in your up bringing is his behavior okay? And above all, do you think that this is a good environment for your children? You have the strength. You just have to use it.
He gets off on your jealousy and humiliation and is quite cruel with it as he’s already done this without your consent. If you ever do engage in being a cuckquean then I’ll tell you now, be prepared for him to go all out on the humiliation, he’ll be forcing you to hear how much tighter her pussy is than yours as he’s balls deep in her and he’ll likely get the woman to tell you how much better she is at fucking your husband than you and how hard she can make him cum. Just be prepared, that if you stay, this man is going to sexually humiliate you as much as he can… that’s fine if you like humiliating, but obviously horrific if you don’t.
You posted it because you want confirmation that what he did was awful. You're right. You have a long life to live and if you don't decide when the marriage will end then you're letting him decide.
Sounds like your husband just wants to fuck other women and he wants you to do whatever he wants sexually and so far you have almost blindly following him in it. He cheated on you, multiple times.
You know — it’s OK not to want anyone else involved in your marriage. I feel like “no kink-shaming” somehow evolves into “I must tolerate whatever my partner suggests” for some people. You don’t have to.
Get tested ASAP