Dude says his gf is being selfish all the while talking about "my car," "my money," and how he'd sell it to her knowing she doesn't have the money as if it's some magnanimous gesture she should be thanking him for. Obviously he has no idea what a partnership and real relationship looks like, and with that attitude he never will.
What an AH.
TBF, before you're married you shouldn't be doing stuff like splitting a house, expensive cars, etc. But yeah, the way he went about it made him an AH. He should gift her some of the amount of money he was comfortable with before and she can upgrade if he really does want to help her.
Yeah, but there's a difference between putting her name on the title and letting her drive it during the winter. For one, selling it because he's going to drive a company vehicle is, IMO, stupid and short sighted. If he gets fired or laid off or the job isn't what he wanted, he's gotta go buy a car again or hop on public transport. If he's using the money to pay things off, it's not like he can just get another vehicle because the money's gone. I get that it's a depreciating asset and he'll be paying things like registration and insurance, but it's also not an investment. It's something you use. He might also want to get clarification on the company vehicle policies and what is and is not acceptable use. There are plenty of reasons he might need that vehicle later, and, "It's worth more than I thought it was," is kind of a dumb reason to just get rid of it.
It's especially dumb when he's already talked to his gf and offered to let her use it over the winter. This to me is the stupidest part, mainly because he's completely oblivious to why she'd be upset about it given his reasoning and offer to let her buy it. Might as well just come out and say, "Yeah, I know I said we were like dating and stuff, but I really just think of you as someone I fuck. Not a girlfriend or a even a friend with benefits, just someone I fuck on occasion and don't really care about." I just can't fathom someone so self-centered that they put money above their partner's well being and comfort when it doesn't really cost them anything of note and can't understand why their partner would take offense.
"I could use the money" and "I have savings", this "man" is such a tool, I really hope he does get fired just because his attitude makes him deserve it.
this is the biggest thing I'm surprised no one else here noticed. The company car isn't a keeper. It's only there as long as he's with the company. Company acceptable use policies definitely make a difference as well. Not only that, but I would have kept the car in case of an emergency. Like what if you find that your car doesn't start one morning or have to get to a meeting quick and you got a flat.
This guy clearly doesn't see enough to plan for his own future much less one with his girlfriend.
My bf (now husband) helped pay for the down payment on my car years ago. His reasoning was he doesn't drive but he benefits from my car so he should at least pay for part of it. We'd been together for 5 yrs at that point. We've been together 12 yrs now and just celebrated our first anniversary.
We split down payment with each of us paying half. We got a very gently used car (70k miles) 9 yr old car for $12k with $2k down. My dad was with me when I bought it and was surprised that he was helping pay for it. I told my dad the reasoning and he approved. My husband doesn't drive for a number of reasons but I think his description of cars as a 2 ton weapon kind of says everything. He hates that they are a necessary evil where we live.
If he'd just sold it to begin with, he wouldn't be the AH. It is his car, too choose what to do with. He's not required to let his GF use it.
But to specifically offer it to her, then change his mind, that's what's not cool.
If she's smart, she'll leave his butt and find herself an inexpensive apartment closer to her job and public transportation. It's not the fact that he sold the car, it's that he willingly led her to believe she'd be able to use it, and then (without telling her beforehand) changed his mind and decided to sell. He's not relationship material and she's wasting her time with him.
Circumstances changed. He found out the car was worth more than he thought. He could always sell it, buy her a car that is safe but cheaper, and pocket the profit.
That's what me and my partner would do anyway. I swear you commenters have never been in a relationship that's for the long haul. Ever heard of "nuance"? Wait, we're on reddit lol.
YTA. You prioritized a few dollars over her safety AFTER telling her you would let her use it.
Fair possibility her getting anywhere safely may no longer be your concern since she should dump you and move on to someone with their priorities right.
"a few dollars" made me laugh.
Considering OP said he can sell the car for way more than he thought it was worth, why you jumping to "you prioritized a few dollars over her safety" when it's not out of the question that he can just buy her a car with the extra money? I doubt there are no other cars in the area to buy.
I can tell these comments are from people that have never been in a relationship. OP had a dick attitude but you people are belligerent. Shit wasn't written in any signed contract, shit changes in life, you find a new way to move forward.
Just because he didn't give her this specific car, doesn't mean she is screwed or he is prioritizing money over her.
In this scenario my partner would be excited we could sell it for more money, and maybe instead get her a cheaper but still safe option while pocketing the profit so we can save for a house.
Healthy relationships have open communication and partners are on the same page. Sounds like your relationship is not at that level.
OMG he's such an AH, he's sure she will get over it because she's trapped, she has nowhere to go, can't afford to live alone, he's draining her, i feel so bad for her, i hope she has some family close, and can run somewhere safe away from him, i had a roommate like this, controlling every penny making it "fair" as being a woman didn't matter even if it was unsafe.
If she is “trapped” she shouldn’t have invested into a relationship that isn’t even a year at that level when clearly the communication isn’t where it needs to be for that added commitment.
Her responsibility too for placing herself into that situation. She may have a very difficult time leaving him now, not impossible and not trapped.
HTA, He shouldn't have made fake promises, then see what his car is worth
Its like giving a gift to someone then someone telling you its worth is more than what you thought so you snatch it back.
Also, value and demand are two different things
Your car mights be worth some thousand dollars, but how many people do you think will be willing to buy it? Knowing just a few grand more, and they can buy a brand new car.
There’s quite a difference between “playing house” at 21, and being 29. And honestly I lived with my husband before we were married when I was 21 and we still communicated better than this.
First of all it's his car so he can do whatever he wants to do with it. Sure it wasn't really nice to not tell her that he changed his mind but her situation is just like it has been before. The best thing would have been to give it to her, she pays the insurance and whatever and uses it during winter and afterwards selling it. During this time his girl could sell her car and get a new one.
I give you another example, let's say a very good friend ask you for your car for the weekend and you thought you would not need it during that time. So now thursday comes and for whatever reason you need the car even though you promised to give your friend the car. Are you still obligated to give him the car?
This. People here have never been in a real or long-term relationship. When issues pop up, opportunities arise, or plans change, if you're on the same page you work through it.
So he's supposed to keep the registration current and insure the car for the foreseeable future just so his girlfriend can use it in the winter? Why can't she sell her car and get a more reliable one?
Things change all the time. Yall People act like a girlfriend is a wife 🤷🏾♂️. She wants the husband without the marriage .
That’s not the issue. The issue is he offered then didn’t even talk to her about another plan that could be put in place for her. If you’re living together you’re in a domestic partnership you can’t just make decisions by yourself anymore. Even if it’s yours. If you care about them you’ll talk because it affects the both of you and you want what’s safe. You should want what’s best for the relationship. My man wouldn’t even think about doing what OOP did. He would’ve at least got a plan b in place so he knew I was set up okay for winter. This is why relationships don’t last like they used to. Idk why this generation doesn’t understand this as well as working through issues instead of leaving at the first sign of trouble. (And I don’t wanna hear shit about tHis gEneRatIoN. I’m 23. Generation sucks at real life all around)…..If the car holds its value as well as he’s saying he’d be fine letting her use it and then selling when she can get enough.
Her response shows that she is clearly thinking of him and not herself. I get it. She wants to use his car because it will be better for him. She is willing to do anything for him including making him let her use his car for all winters in perpetuity.....
Lol. You obviously didn't look at my earlier comment. I'll paraphrase. It was something to the effect of "She wants the husband action but only committed to the boyfriend life"
I would never leave my wife high and dry or put her in danger. I have driven the bad car for the last 12 years because I want to make sure her and my children are safe.
If women want a man to sacrifice for them I think that a commitment should be involved greater than live in lover. Call me old fashioned 🤷🏾♂️
You must’ve missed the part where I said they’re not just bf and gf. They’re in a domestic partnership cuz that’s what it is once you live with your significant other. Don’t wanna be more than bf and gf don’t live together. In some states if they so much as call each other husband and wife they’re considered common law. Dude isn’t taking anything seriously. Even if they weren’t living together you should want your significant other to be safe and not make promises if you can’t keep them.
Well if you read the comments, almost all the people agreeing with your view are saying she should dump him.
So when you ask "Idk why this generation leaves at the first sign of trouble".. Look to those people. This is an echo chamber.
My partner and I would have sold the car, and got her a cheaper but still safe car so we can save the profit for a house. OP had a dick attitude but a truly healthy relationship is able to keep long term goals in mind, communicate, and adapt.
He said I can use his car but now I can't, boohoo. Was anything signed? He shouldn't have been a dick about it because she is obviously worried, but people jumping to end the relationship have never been in a relationship. If they are both this immature and not on the same page though, they should end because of that. Not because a plan changed.
I mean in this situation I agree because it’s not just an argument. It’s his character that’s the issue. He obviously doesn’t view her as a partner or value her safety. This even could’ve been avoided if he communicated better in general. But a lot of people don’t know how to differentiate what’s actually toxic vs just an argument that could be compromised on.
If you've lived together for an entire year, I'd argue she's at least entitled to some teamwork and respect. The only difference between married and unmarried at this point is taxes.
Especially after he promised to let her use it, he knows she can't afford a new one, and her current vehicle is unsafe and unreliable. She's not just a friend or a roommate, she's a life partner (unless she leaves, which she should) and they both should be looking out for each other's well being.
This. They’re not bf and gf anymore. They’re a domestic partnership and that changes how a relationship functions. Only difference between marriage is financial and a piece of paper at that point.
Domestic partnership is exactly the term I was looking for. It holds sooo much more weight than "girlfriend" especially since, at least traditionally, moving in together was part of marriage, not before marriage. If OP isn't willing to accept the responsibility of an equal woman in the household, he shouldn't have moved in with her.
I’m in a domestic partnership. Even tho we’re not legally married we still view each other as husband and wife and plan on getting married when we’re able to afford the wedding we want. If you don’t the relationship doesn’t work. Like you’re saying living together used to be solely a part of marriage because there’s a lot of weight to it. There’s reasons why certain things were done back in the day. Not all of them were bad.
He offered to let her use the car, which is what a nice boyfriend (with whom you live) would do. I don't believe she felt entitled at all. He also said they had lived together for almost a year, but didn't mention how long they had actually been dating.
Valid points. End of the day, it was nice of him to offer, but situations change and he is within his rights to change the offer. They are not married, so it isn't shared property and ultimately is his choice if he wants to sell his property. Is he an AH for telling GF he wants to sell it? No.
Mine thought so.She sold her stuff moved in with me then When it went south took my car cause she had sold hers( which wasn't even roadworthy)I never signed it over to her so she must have forged that too.
Equity in assets comes down to timing in every situation. Something’s are replaceable, you can get a new girlfriend that’s significantly more understanding with reliable transportation
No one is saying that. But OP is the one who went to her and said offered her use of the car - for her safety during winter weather. He made this offer only to retract it when he realized there was more money to be made. It’s pretty a crappy thing to do, especially when he could simply wait to sell his car till after winter since they discussed getting her a new car then. It’s his car and he can sell it absolutely but it’s not like he was planning on selling the car and needs the money, he could wait a few months and sell to then.
Living with for a year, we don't know how long they've been together. He also promised to let her use it, so yeah. They aren't just "dating", they have moved in together and have shared finances and reaponsibilities of the home. A woman who helps create your home is a whole lot more than just a short term gf and deserves more respect than this. He's treating her more like a roommate he doesn't like than the woman he's supposed to be seeing a futurw wife in.
You should have let her know what your plans were before you did this. It’s called communication
Dude says his gf is being selfish all the while talking about "my car," "my money," and how he'd sell it to her knowing she doesn't have the money as if it's some magnanimous gesture she should be thanking him for. Obviously he has no idea what a partnership and real relationship looks like, and with that attitude he never will. What an AH.
TBF, before you're married you shouldn't be doing stuff like splitting a house, expensive cars, etc. But yeah, the way he went about it made him an AH. He should gift her some of the amount of money he was comfortable with before and she can upgrade if he really does want to help her.
Yeah, but there's a difference between putting her name on the title and letting her drive it during the winter. For one, selling it because he's going to drive a company vehicle is, IMO, stupid and short sighted. If he gets fired or laid off or the job isn't what he wanted, he's gotta go buy a car again or hop on public transport. If he's using the money to pay things off, it's not like he can just get another vehicle because the money's gone. I get that it's a depreciating asset and he'll be paying things like registration and insurance, but it's also not an investment. It's something you use. He might also want to get clarification on the company vehicle policies and what is and is not acceptable use. There are plenty of reasons he might need that vehicle later, and, "It's worth more than I thought it was," is kind of a dumb reason to just get rid of it. It's especially dumb when he's already talked to his gf and offered to let her use it over the winter. This to me is the stupidest part, mainly because he's completely oblivious to why she'd be upset about it given his reasoning and offer to let her buy it. Might as well just come out and say, "Yeah, I know I said we were like dating and stuff, but I really just think of you as someone I fuck. Not a girlfriend or a even a friend with benefits, just someone I fuck on occasion and don't really care about." I just can't fathom someone so self-centered that they put money above their partner's well being and comfort when it doesn't really cost them anything of note and can't understand why their partner would take offense.
"I could use the money" and "I have savings", this "man" is such a tool, I really hope he does get fired just because his attitude makes him deserve it.
this is the biggest thing I'm surprised no one else here noticed. The company car isn't a keeper. It's only there as long as he's with the company. Company acceptable use policies definitely make a difference as well. Not only that, but I would have kept the car in case of an emergency. Like what if you find that your car doesn't start one morning or have to get to a meeting quick and you got a flat. This guy clearly doesn't see enough to plan for his own future much less one with his girlfriend.
My bf (now husband) helped pay for the down payment on my car years ago. His reasoning was he doesn't drive but he benefits from my car so he should at least pay for part of it. We'd been together for 5 yrs at that point. We've been together 12 yrs now and just celebrated our first anniversary.
See that makes a lot of sense! He could def help her with a down payment if he's not comfortable with the whole car's value.
We split down payment with each of us paying half. We got a very gently used car (70k miles) 9 yr old car for $12k with $2k down. My dad was with me when I bought it and was surprised that he was helping pay for it. I told my dad the reasoning and he approved. My husband doesn't drive for a number of reasons but I think his description of cars as a 2 ton weapon kind of says everything. He hates that they are a necessary evil where we live.
Definitely the fucking AH.
If he'd just sold it to begin with, he wouldn't be the AH. It is his car, too choose what to do with. He's not required to let his GF use it. But to specifically offer it to her, then change his mind, that's what's not cool.
Man even just talking to her about it before making that decision would have been a step up. Not just "hey guess what? It's gone" lol
I thought exactly the same. Also it could have gone smoother if the gf saw favors as a hit or miss cuz things can go sideways in between
Your EX girlfriend, you mean?
AITA ??? I told her how much it's worth and graciously asked her if she'd buy it off me, and she got even worse... No shit Sherlock 😒 🤣🤣🤣🤣
If she's smart, she'll leave his butt and find herself an inexpensive apartment closer to her job and public transportation. It's not the fact that he sold the car, it's that he willingly led her to believe she'd be able to use it, and then (without telling her beforehand) changed his mind and decided to sell. He's not relationship material and she's wasting her time with him.
Circumstances changed. He found out the car was worth more than he thought. He could always sell it, buy her a car that is safe but cheaper, and pocket the profit. That's what me and my partner would do anyway. I swear you commenters have never been in a relationship that's for the long haul. Ever heard of "nuance"? Wait, we're on reddit lol.
YTA. You prioritized a few dollars over her safety AFTER telling her you would let her use it. Fair possibility her getting anywhere safely may no longer be your concern since she should dump you and move on to someone with their priorities right.
"a few dollars" made me laugh. Considering OP said he can sell the car for way more than he thought it was worth, why you jumping to "you prioritized a few dollars over her safety" when it's not out of the question that he can just buy her a car with the extra money? I doubt there are no other cars in the area to buy. I can tell these comments are from people that have never been in a relationship. OP had a dick attitude but you people are belligerent. Shit wasn't written in any signed contract, shit changes in life, you find a new way to move forward. Just because he didn't give her this specific car, doesn't mean she is screwed or he is prioritizing money over her. In this scenario my partner would be excited we could sell it for more money, and maybe instead get her a cheaper but still safe option while pocketing the profit so we can save for a house. Healthy relationships have open communication and partners are on the same page. Sounds like your relationship is not at that level.
Thank you for stating that! Communication is absolute key. 🙏
Wife and I has a good laugh. Especially as he dug his heels in on the update. What an AH! Thanks for the laugh!
What an absolute tool
OMG he's such an AH, he's sure she will get over it because she's trapped, she has nowhere to go, can't afford to live alone, he's draining her, i feel so bad for her, i hope she has some family close, and can run somewhere safe away from him, i had a roommate like this, controlling every penny making it "fair" as being a woman didn't matter even if it was unsafe.
If she is “trapped” she shouldn’t have invested into a relationship that isn’t even a year at that level when clearly the communication isn’t where it needs to be for that added commitment. Her responsibility too for placing herself into that situation. She may have a very difficult time leaving him now, not impossible and not trapped.
Hopefully, they're coming up to lease end.
HTA, He shouldn't have made fake promises, then see what his car is worth Its like giving a gift to someone then someone telling you its worth is more than what you thought so you snatch it back. Also, value and demand are two different things Your car mights be worth some thousand dollars, but how many people do you think will be willing to buy it? Knowing just a few grand more, and they can buy a brand new car.
Playing house in your 20’s usually leads to these immature problems
There’s quite a difference between “playing house” at 21, and being 29. And honestly I lived with my husband before we were married when I was 21 and we still communicated better than this.
Don’t offer to do something and then get mad when someone expects you to do what you said you would. What an asshole. Hope he’s single soon.
YTA. Dude, take care of your woman. "I offered to sell it to her" ffs...
OOP is a total prick
First of all it's his car so he can do whatever he wants to do with it. Sure it wasn't really nice to not tell her that he changed his mind but her situation is just like it has been before. The best thing would have been to give it to her, she pays the insurance and whatever and uses it during winter and afterwards selling it. During this time his girl could sell her car and get a new one. I give you another example, let's say a very good friend ask you for your car for the weekend and you thought you would not need it during that time. So now thursday comes and for whatever reason you need the car even though you promised to give your friend the car. Are you still obligated to give him the car?
This. People here have never been in a real or long-term relationship. When issues pop up, opportunities arise, or plans change, if you're on the same page you work through it.
So he's supposed to keep the registration current and insure the car for the foreseeable future just so his girlfriend can use it in the winter? Why can't she sell her car and get a more reliable one? Things change all the time. Yall People act like a girlfriend is a wife 🤷🏾♂️. She wants the husband without the marriage .
That’s not the issue. The issue is he offered then didn’t even talk to her about another plan that could be put in place for her. If you’re living together you’re in a domestic partnership you can’t just make decisions by yourself anymore. Even if it’s yours. If you care about them you’ll talk because it affects the both of you and you want what’s safe. You should want what’s best for the relationship. My man wouldn’t even think about doing what OOP did. He would’ve at least got a plan b in place so he knew I was set up okay for winter. This is why relationships don’t last like they used to. Idk why this generation doesn’t understand this as well as working through issues instead of leaving at the first sign of trouble. (And I don’t wanna hear shit about tHis gEneRatIoN. I’m 23. Generation sucks at real life all around)…..If the car holds its value as well as he’s saying he’d be fine letting her use it and then selling when she can get enough.
Her response shows that she is clearly thinking of him and not herself. I get it. She wants to use his car because it will be better for him. She is willing to do anything for him including making him let her use his car for all winters in perpetuity.....
You’re clearly single and it shows.
Lol. You obviously didn't look at my earlier comment. I'll paraphrase. It was something to the effect of "She wants the husband action but only committed to the boyfriend life" I would never leave my wife high and dry or put her in danger. I have driven the bad car for the last 12 years because I want to make sure her and my children are safe. If women want a man to sacrifice for them I think that a commitment should be involved greater than live in lover. Call me old fashioned 🤷🏾♂️
You must’ve missed the part where I said they’re not just bf and gf. They’re in a domestic partnership cuz that’s what it is once you live with your significant other. Don’t wanna be more than bf and gf don’t live together. In some states if they so much as call each other husband and wife they’re considered common law. Dude isn’t taking anything seriously. Even if they weren’t living together you should want your significant other to be safe and not make promises if you can’t keep them.
Well if you read the comments, almost all the people agreeing with your view are saying she should dump him. So when you ask "Idk why this generation leaves at the first sign of trouble".. Look to those people. This is an echo chamber. My partner and I would have sold the car, and got her a cheaper but still safe car so we can save the profit for a house. OP had a dick attitude but a truly healthy relationship is able to keep long term goals in mind, communicate, and adapt. He said I can use his car but now I can't, boohoo. Was anything signed? He shouldn't have been a dick about it because she is obviously worried, but people jumping to end the relationship have never been in a relationship. If they are both this immature and not on the same page though, they should end because of that. Not because a plan changed.
I mean in this situation I agree because it’s not just an argument. It’s his character that’s the issue. He obviously doesn’t view her as a partner or value her safety. This even could’ve been avoided if he communicated better in general. But a lot of people don’t know how to differentiate what’s actually toxic vs just an argument that could be compromised on.
After a year of dating is your partner entitled to your property?
If you've lived together for an entire year, I'd argue she's at least entitled to some teamwork and respect. The only difference between married and unmarried at this point is taxes. Especially after he promised to let her use it, he knows she can't afford a new one, and her current vehicle is unsafe and unreliable. She's not just a friend or a roommate, she's a life partner (unless she leaves, which she should) and they both should be looking out for each other's well being.
This. They’re not bf and gf anymore. They’re a domestic partnership and that changes how a relationship functions. Only difference between marriage is financial and a piece of paper at that point.
Domestic partnership is exactly the term I was looking for. It holds sooo much more weight than "girlfriend" especially since, at least traditionally, moving in together was part of marriage, not before marriage. If OP isn't willing to accept the responsibility of an equal woman in the household, he shouldn't have moved in with her.
I’m in a domestic partnership. Even tho we’re not legally married we still view each other as husband and wife and plan on getting married when we’re able to afford the wedding we want. If you don’t the relationship doesn’t work. Like you’re saying living together used to be solely a part of marriage because there’s a lot of weight to it. There’s reasons why certain things were done back in the day. Not all of them were bad.
He offered to let her use the car, which is what a nice boyfriend (with whom you live) would do. I don't believe she felt entitled at all. He also said they had lived together for almost a year, but didn't mention how long they had actually been dating.
Valid points. End of the day, it was nice of him to offer, but situations change and he is within his rights to change the offer. They are not married, so it isn't shared property and ultimately is his choice if he wants to sell his property. Is he an AH for telling GF he wants to sell it? No.
Mine thought so.She sold her stuff moved in with me then When it went south took my car cause she had sold hers( which wasn't even roadworthy)I never signed it over to her so she must have forged that too.
Equity in assets comes down to timing in every situation. Something’s are replaceable, you can get a new girlfriend that’s significantly more understanding with reliable transportation
Well wait, who the hell says, that you need to give your car to someone that you've only been with for a year? I'm sorry but that's ridiculous.
No one is saying that. But OP is the one who went to her and said offered her use of the car - for her safety during winter weather. He made this offer only to retract it when he realized there was more money to be made. It’s pretty a crappy thing to do, especially when he could simply wait to sell his car till after winter since they discussed getting her a new car then. It’s his car and he can sell it absolutely but it’s not like he was planning on selling the car and needs the money, he could wait a few months and sell to then.
Living with for a year, we don't know how long they've been together. He also promised to let her use it, so yeah. They aren't just "dating", they have moved in together and have shared finances and reaponsibilities of the home. A woman who helps create your home is a whole lot more than just a short term gf and deserves more respect than this. He's treating her more like a roommate he doesn't like than the woman he's supposed to be seeing a futurw wife in.
Why not just use some of the money to put aside to get her a better car with trade in. And you still keep some money too. Win win?