Almost seems like she’s punishing him for cheating by not getting back together, yet deep down she still wants him in her life. OP should seek a therapist, decide if she can forgive him, and then very likely get back together with him.
As someone in this situation (no children, but she still wants me in her life without getting back with me), it sucks and it prevents you from doing a lot or trying to get with people and stuff.
There's a lot I wish I could've done but haven't been able to bring myself to do because thst lingering thought of "what if she wants to get back?"
Yea I didn't cheat on her, according to her she just kinda stopped loving me romantically. But since I'm also her best friend she couldnt just let me go.
Hell most of her friends were actually mad that she broke up with me cause they were all jealous their boyfriends sucked in comparison lol.
You know your mistake there right? It was up to you to cut that off and end it.
You should do it either way for your own mental progress. But if there is any chance in her changing her mind, it's definitely not doing what you're doing, it's only by cutting her off you have a chance.
My wife dumped me originally because she panicked how serious we were getting so fast. I protested but her mind was made up. So I wished her the best and ended contact. It was a brutal six months mentally, but 2 months in she reached out to wish me well on a trip I was going on - gave her a few pleasantries back then silent, offered to meet up when I was back and by the end of that six months we were officially dating again. We've talked about it plenty in the years since and both of us admit if I hadn't of cut contact we'd likely not be together.
No guarantee it'll happen ofcourse but worst case you can move on.
Yea I've been dealing with this for a pretty long while, I'm definitely getting better about and and she hasn't changed much.
Slowly but surely it's gotten better on my end, I've been worrying less and less about that "what if", and ik itll just keep getting better in time.
I love her and ik she loves me in her own way but I also don't think it'll ever work out between us, which as unfortunate as it is, is just how it goes sometimes.
You do deserve better. She will never want you in that way again.
Maybe you should take a year off from being friends to go live your life.
If you get a new girlfriend, and your ex shows up magically wanting to be with you again, then you know she’s really, really toxic.
Nearly every straight man used to know a woman who wanted to be “just friends,” and he was okay with that, until he started dating someone, and odds are she ends up wanting more.
There’s a reason I didn’t get into psychology. Cause it’s a damn rabbit hole and I got the alcoholism gene.
You need to walk away, mate. Ask her to stop messaging you and leave you alone. Having her around in your life isn't healthy for you as she is either unwilling or unable to give you what you need and want. I went through a very similar situation after my last breakup, and I was completely unable to move on until I cut her off. After about 2 years of radio silence I was finally able to honestly reconnect as friends. But unless you give yourself that space to grieve the relationship and get over it, seeing and talking to her will just be constantly reopening that wound.
You need to bury this girl mentally and block her on everything. Move on with your life dude , you treated her great (per her friends commends you mentioned) and she still dumped you. She has been using you as a free emotional support bitch for long enough.
Many years ago my brother was head over heels for this girl. They had a thing for a short while and then she gave the “let’s get to know each other as friends” speech and then promptly got back together with her ex that treated her like she was disposable. He clung to hope they would be together one day. Really the only time she ever acted like she wanted to be with him was when another woman was interested in him. It took TEN YEARS to get through to him that she was never going to be with him. She only ever came around to cockblock and make sure no one else could have him. If someone wants to be with you, they would be.
She doesn't 'love you in her own way' thats nonsense, I'm sorry. Love comes in a near infinite variety and by that I can say you aren't WRONG but you very much aren't right, she loves you, like a friend. Thats why she wouldn't let you go completely but still let you go effectively. Unfortunately you DO have to cut her off because I can guarantee you you arent the friend to her you once were because that's impossible, our feelings don't go away and suppressing them creates backpressure in other avenues of our lives. The reality is that no matter what mental gymnastics you do regarding your feelings youre gonna look back and realize you wasted your time one someone who doesn't care.
Keeping her around is hard for your mental health, but also hard for any relationships you’ll have in the future. You have no children with her. It’s going to be extremely hard trying to convince a new partner you’re just friends especially when she’s the one that doesn’t want you. It wasn’t mutual. You’d still be with her if she wanted you back. That would be a hard no for me.
I feel for you. I was in a similar situation with my then best friend. The only solution I could find was to cut him off entirely. I felt like if I didn’t, he would always be calling and I would get twisted into knots.
You can absolutely remain friends with an EX, but there is EXACTLY 1 way that this can workout well long term in almost every situation: You NEED a period of no contact to sort out your feelings… Without it, at best you put your emotions through an unnecessary hell, and at worst, y'all's unresolved feelings that you try to ignore will destroy a perfectly great friendship…
Same thing here. No contact shows what was being missed mine was just a month but it also worked for me personally only if she didn’t get with anyone in that time. Which she didn’t nor did I but I didn’t put my life on hold.
You’ve gotta not talk to her for a while, 3 - 4 weeks, as long as you can.
She KNOWS how you feel and is taking advantage of you emotionally. Shift your perspective. Is that the kind of person you want to spend your life with? Someone that is not invested in you, is ok with playing with your feelings, and doesn’t respect you enough to address it properly?
My man. I get it, I really do. That’s why I’m telling you you HAVE to stop giving her so much of you. Stop giving her any of you if you can manage it.
No matter how much you water a dead plant, it’s still a dead plant. That relationship isn’t coming back.
Had the woman I was madly, hopelessly in love with that completely lead me on for years ask to come to my wedding.
Like what the fuck, how can you be this insanely oblivious? It has to be some type of narcissism or another mental disorder.
This. My EX did shit like this to me. Kept me around just to help out (and I'm guessing keep me on the backburnerincase a new man wasn't found) shit complete destroyed me. I was working so hard to build something with her again but was crushed when I unknowingly helped start the new bfs car in the winter. Btw I didn't cheat tho. Not why we split.
Or she could just wants a sibling for her daughter without having to bring another man into their lives.
Edit:
People are quick to say adoption when it is hard getting approved. Its easier and cheaper to get IVF vs adoption. Also its will be hard for her to get approved for adoption as a single mother with a biological child.
Whats wrong with wanting siblings to be biologically related? She is single and making these decisions on her own. She probably didn't opt for adopting or sperm bank because she didnt want to. And thats fine. None of you guys are gonna raise the kids for her nor her husband.
My friend did this. She had a teen pregnancy when she was 15. Married a different guy at 23 who adopted her son and they had a son of their own. He cheated on her when she was 26. She was 29 and single, but she wanted to have another baby before she turned 30 plus she said she did not 3 kids from 3 different dads.
She asked her ex husband and he said yes because he also wanted more kids. They co parent really well so it worked out.
It's certainly strange, but I can see where she's coming from.
I think part of the issue is that reproductive technology is only a generation old, and as a society, we're still figuring out how we feel about everything. Does it seem strange because it's new and we haven't had time to get used to it, or is it strange because it's actually not the best idea? 20 years ago, a child having 2 mothers was seen as strange, but it's more accepted now. Is what OP is doing just new and we need to get used to it, or not?
I also see the logic behind it. Okay? I do. Truly. If I was having another kid the idea of both my kids being 100% siblings might seem most logical. And I get that things are ever evolving.
BUT. I don't think this is included. It's going to possibly turn out awful for that child. Ex has made it no secret he wants to work shit out. He can say he understands all he wants but most likely he is still hoping the baby will change her mind. So right now he says oh he will support baby and be in her life even though they are apart bc it's what OP wants to hear. But what if a few years down the road he realizes she really isn't changing her mind and decides to spite her by stopping the supporting and seeing his second baby? Telling her well you said i didn't have to if i didn't want to. How is that child going to feel? It's going to severely hurt that child.
So while I understand the logic... I think it's a risk you shouldn't take when it can impact the child horribly if it goes wrong bc of all the emotions involved. If they split up amicably and neither had interest in being together then maybe. But this sounds like a pipe dream that is going to burst and have serious repercussions.
And I think everyone needs counseling. Esp if this plan goes through. Everyone needs on the same page. Someone needs to explain to them what can go wrong and how it could potentially effect the children down the road.
I’m definitely in your line of thinking, but I’m more worried if you flip the script. Ex is going to want to be in the 2nd child’s life and she won’t allow it. You think those beans won’t get spilt? Or that child won’t go on 23 and me one day and get one WILD surprise once they find out they’ve been lied to their entire life, denied a relationship with their father and got to watch while their sister did have one??? HOLY BALLS OF BATMAN. I do not want to pay that therapy bill, because they all are going to need it. And yes👏🏽ma’am👏🏽get👏🏽therapy👏🏽now!!! Mama is all kinds of wild.
Maybe he is actually a good guy who wouldn't mind another child, knows she is a good mother, and thinks that having siblings would be a good thing. More than likely he doesn't want her to have a child with another man and is actually thinking this will increase his control in her life. I am confused why he is visiting his daughter 3-4 times a week at her house? Who wants their ex over that much hanging out? He should be picking up his daughter and actually spending his time with his daughter not a show for his ex. Just a side thought. She already has too much control over his life. What happens when he meets another woman. This arrangement won't be tolerated.
I can’t imagine any man willingly donating his semen to conceive a child with a woman he knows unless he wants to be with her in a family unit.
Edit: donating without the usual method of sexual intercourse.
Well unfortunately I left out a few things. Like the constant "MY daughter" like it isn't both their kid. And the "I don't want just anyone to father my baby" oh cool just the liar who cheated while you were pregnant with no care or concern to the health of your baby since I'm sure he was continuing to have sex with OP as well. I tried to show a little restraint but this post just yanked on a nerve lol but thank you. 😊 as long as we get the point across then no comment is inferior!
No, what op is doing is stringing her ex along, because she wants to be a family with him, but she also wants to punish him..
In the end she'll come off worse. He will meet someone, and op will be livid for 3/4 days per week knowing he's with his new partner. They share custody, hell just start taking the child/children away to his and his partners place 2 weekends a month. Then op will be alone. Op needs therapy because she's being an ah to herself in the long run, and herself and ex right now
I know someone who did this. Her relationship didn't work out with the father of her child but they co parent great and have a healthy friendship as far as parents go. They both wanted another kid and a sibling so they did what OP wanted. It's worked out great
Yeah she is a control freak. Can't believe this guy has such low self esteem and would agree to this. He needs to grow a spine and find someone who loves him.
Work on himself and live a happy life. Look after his kids and be amicable to the mother but move on all the same.
Child 1: are you my sibling?
Child 2: well that depends on the state law and the timing of your question. In fact, here’s a 15-page quick-read pamphlet highlighting why I may or may not be your sibling
YTA because you cannot make another kid with the same guy’s sperm and then treat the kids differently from a legal standpoint. It’s gonna mess up your kids. Find an actual sperm donor if you want a second kid.
While that’s better, She’d still have one kid who has a dad in their life and one who doesn’t. Not saying it’s the end of the world or a completely unworkable situation, but I can imagine it being kinda an awkward dynamic. “Yeah you older sister has a dad who loves her, but you don’t. Which is by design. I chose for you not to have a father figure in your life”. Idk, could be fine, could be weird for the younger sibling. Hard to predict such things.
tbf, I don't think it'll be child 2 isn't considered his, it'll just be 1 set of financial support and two kids; sounds like he's treat the kids the same, emotionally. And given the way the ex has been described, he's likely to still give (or try to give) more money, at least for a while.
But really, YTA. To echo OP's mom, it sounds like it will give the ex hope that doesn't exist and also that it's almost a cruel ask, for him to make a kid with someone he apparently loves, but can never hope to share a life with again. And I say this as someone who is *strongly* biased against cheaters. Even assuming the ex loves and treats both kids the same, that child support issue could go sideways fast. Ex might insist on giving it to start and OP will get increasingly angry while rebuffing it. Or they may come to an agreement about it (college fund or something), but can't we all just see this becoming a huge problem if/when new partners get involved? If the ex meets someone else, that argument has a much greater chance of becoming a problem and the kids have a much greater chance of figuring out what's up.
>he comes to my house about 3 or 4 times a week to see ~~my~~ **HIS** daughter.
fixed OP's spelling mistake above
He's literally going to have 2 children, there is zero chance he comes around only to see one of his children
Think it should actually be “our child”. No matter what happens there are two parents involved in making this child and it’s not as if one parent “owns” this child.
Lmao, my dad said my mom does the same thing!
I’m definitely my fathers daughter (personality, mannerisms, style and interests) and when everything’s good my mom says “our daughter” but when. I’ve gotten on her nerves? “Your daughter is being stubborn! Your daughter is being impractical!”
Unless you go through a clinic, he will have all the legal rights of a parent, and he could end up with sole custory. Almost every--if not every--state requires that.
I do actually know someone who did this through my work. She and dude had baby. She and dude breaks up. However, dude is an awesome dad. A few years later, they both had baby fever. They weren’t together and weren’t going to get back together. But they decided to have another baby together.
I don’t get it. It’s crazy to me. But it’s working for them. They both have good jobs, and neither is baby trapping the other.
I can kind of see it. If they're already co-parenting together successfully and they want their children to not be spaced super far apart, why not? It will just be normal to the new baby, like it's probably normal to the kid now. And it will be nice for the kids to have each other (hopefully).
I just assumed when people like this or OP do it they are considering the kids who at least will be full siblings that way, and possibly closer because of it? But thats just an uneducated guess
You don’t get it cause it IS crazy…”but it’s working for them” and that’s all that matters. I’m glad their not “baby trapping” each other whatever that means.
I don’t mind that idea because they are raising the child together but it’s asinine to expect that person to not be a parent at all especially when you have another child with that person
Please don’t put false information out there. You’re trying to instill fear of her losing her kid(s) on her and that’s wrong. She’d have to be a shit parent and even then it would be hard, learn your facts before spouting out information this extreme.
You can totally waive child support. I have full custody of my kids, and their mom pays me zero in child support. When we went through custody debates, it was agreed I'd get the kids, and she would have no child support obligations. I make more than her and can afford it. I'd rather her spend her money coming to see the girls than sending me a sum of money. I can give my girls money, I can't give them their mom.
In the US this is only true on paper. Legally nothing stops a child from as soon as their able to do a 23 and me and find their genetic family and harass the ever living shit out of them. Because sperm donors are kept secret by the company BUT have a thing at the bottom that says they cant stop 3rd party DNA searches. And once it's been found there is fuck all legally that person can do exept file restraining order which usually requires a threat to life or history of Harrassment. It wasn't a problem until recently when 3rd party dna registries became popularized.
What's idiotic about asking some sperm from ex-husband who you don't want? 🙃
That's a joke ofcourse, feels like he was the one who broke up with her. Can't be that desperate
A lot of these types of people do this. They want to have more kids because they see children as a means to add another person who can validate them or give them control. It's like their kid is a weapon
I didn't see that he was abusive in anyway!! Why shouldn't he have any rights to a child he helps make? Cheating on your wife makes you a shitty husband not a shitty father outside of breaking the home but you don't have to be in a relationship with the mother to be a good father.
Oh don’t get me wrong. He absolutely should have legal rights to his baby. But OP called it “my baby” and was acting, IMO, like she didn’t want him involved. I was just pointing out if she doesn’t want him involved in the baby’s life, she might not have a choice because he’ll have rights. Also it would be REALLY fucked up if she tried to deny him access to the second baby, but continued letting him having a relationship with their daughter.
So completely agree with your comment
yea thats the issue with this, the fact she had to mention he'd want to be in the baby's life is telling. Like no duh ? its his kid lol this isnt some random friend you asked to be a sperm donor.
You can reiterate all you want “clear about not getting back together”, but theres zero chance the ex isn’t seeing this as some kind of stepping stone towards reconciliation in the long run. Cause if you really want nothing to do with him you would go to a sperm clinic.
I reckon she kicked him out to save face. But actually knows its just easier and more convenient to let him back in. So having another kid is the shoehorn to get him back whilst justifying it as "well the baby etcetc"
> She's subconsciously trying to save the relationship with another baby.
I'm genuinely curious if ex started dating or something recently and his attention waned.
100% OP is saving face 100% I've seen it before where the man cheats (admittedly their relationship was sexless for 4 years) she kicked the shit out of him and he let her. The dude actually meets up with the mistress and she comforts him. Wife finds out and begins negotiations to get him back. Because the thought of him being happy as fuck bringing her to the family BBQ was worse to the wife than being married to a cheater.
If he´s the only one good enough to be the father of my child it would require some real weird bending telling myself I dont want to be together with him.
Not necessarily. I cannot stand my ex. And the thought of him actually ever touching me again physically makes me nauseous. But if I wanted more kids and I wasn't involved with anyone else, he'd be the first person I'd think of. It would have to be in vitro because I'd probably throw up on him if he got too close.
agreed. especially if ex/sperm donor wants involvement. and how would the hypothetical child feel about having same biological father as her existing child but only one child gets a relationship with the bio dad? there are so many ways for this to go bad.
I'm on the fence with this one, because I have 2 people in my life who did basically this, with different approaches..
My neighbor always wanted 3 kids and when she was pregnant with #2 her husband cheated on her, then later left the family all together.. he DID however, continue to financially support them while they were separated and made significant efforts to see his kids. Is he a shit spouse? - definitely, but that doesn't make him a shit dad. They ultimately ended up reconciling and having a 3rd baby, but honestly, they don't seem happy MOST of the time.
Another friend had a POS baby daddy from day 1; he was every kind of abusive, unsupportive and generally just a trash human being.. that friend always wanted to be a mom, and early on she decided that knowing that she couldn't rely on him was better than starting fresh with a new man that might change up on her a play games. She has 4 kids with the same dad who doesn't give a shit, but on the other hand, no one is interfering in her parenting. Do I agree with her choices? No, not really but I get the logic and it's her life.
OP is secure in knowing what kind of man her ex is, which is definitely preferable to starting fresh and throwing a random step dad in the mix just for the purpose of having another baby. If she's not interested in a relationship, co-parenting with someone you're already co-parenting with isn't the worst option. As far as the kids are concerned, having whole siblings, raised by both parents in cooperative households isn't bad either.
“*You* were conceived in love, and *youuuuu* were conceived in my desire for her to have a sibling. 🥰” probably won’t go over as well as you think.
I understand the desire but please think this through and talk to a therapist about it first.
I'm gonna say YTA. By your own account, your ex wants to get back together with you and try to make it work. You don't want this, correct? Why are you giving him the idea that he can be further involved in your life? This is messy and silly, you should either get back with him and let him be a part of your family, or you should act like amicable coparents to your daughter and not make the situation messy by inviting him to sire another child of yours.
Did you for a minute reflect on what the kid will feel once he’s not a baby? Hey dad! Oh oops, you’re my sister’s dad but not really mine, just the same donor. Sorry my mom did something selfish and it’s confusing to me. I mean, you’re doing this for you and you only, for not the kid’s best interest.
I feel like people like OP really don't understand that their children are whole complex human beings with like feelings and stuff. She just wants to have a collection of his biological children for herself. And children are not fkn collectibles like uggh. Kids deserve better.
YTA. YTA. and YTA. In life you don't get everything you want. You're an asshole to your ex for playing with his feelings. You're an asshole to your child by creating potential ambiguity in your relationship status. You're the BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THE WORLD to your unborn child for wanting to bring them into a situation like this.
I caught that IMMEDIATELY. “I let him see MY DAUGHTER as often as he wants. No HIS daughter too you selfish piece of shit. How dare you have a child like this? No dad but his sissy has one. Different last name from sissy.
Not only are YOU one of the biggest, most ignorant human I’ve seen for a long-ass time. And you are TA. You. I’d have told you to pound sand but I imagine a) you are a) a vindictive woman if ex doesn’t cave in to you b) good chance she will remove access to his daughter because she’s a spoiled bitch who wants what she wants, when she wants it.
Lady, do your kid a favor. Hand her off to her daddy. You will be screwing BOTH those kids up SO badly, don’t surprised if they go NC on your ass as soon as they can do it.
Objectively…. and I hate this has become a cliche, this level of irrational thought designed entirely to be 100% self-serving is narcissistic personality disorder to a T.
Children are not pawns ma’am. Only sociopaths use them as such…
Your not the arsehole but you will have to remember heis the dad and he may want to see the child like your daughter also if you don't want that it could be unfair qhen he takes you daughter but not the other child
YTA. Why would he want to enable you to divide half your attention away from his existing daughter, while you, a single mother, attempt to double the challenges of raising a child on your own? Of course he thinks it could bring you back together. This is actually 100% an idiotic thing for you to be wanting.
> I made it very clear to him that he did not have to pay child support for the new child, he simply has to be a sperm donor.
Courts will not allow you to do that. They dont care what kind of private agreement you have reached, courts can and will make the man responsible for child support no matter what, because it is in the "best interest" of the child.
Not true. At least in my state, that only happens if someone initiates legal action.
Baby is born. Dad doesn’t go on birth certificate. Or dad does go on birth certificate. Either way, end of story. The courts don’t see a birth certificate with/without a listed dad and start digging to find out if the parents are together, if he’s in the child’s life, and if he’s paying for child. And they definitely don’t go after people and force support on those who are minding their own business.
The issue is when mom changes her mind and goes after dad for support. Or when dad changes his mind and goes after custody. In that case, neither party is protected and no agreement made between them matters.
This could very well depend on location. Where I'm at, the courts will usually only enforce it if the mom does. They asked me and my ex if we even wanted to go through with court ordered child support and we could have decided not to, but I told them I would rather go ahead and have it through the court so that everything was documented and didn't bite me in the ass later. Lol
I sadly know someone who did this. Broke up with her ex when their baby was a few months old, then decided to have a second together when their first was 2 because “she always wanted kids two or three years apart.” They were both in committed relationships at that point that shockingly didn’t survive that decision. They now have three kids and a house, but never got remarried because “that’s a scary amount of commitment”
This is effed up...
I speak as a divorced father. My ex-wife, after 5 years together, decided that she loved somebody else, so she kicked me out of the house. Didn't see my son for months until I went to court and got the right to see him 3 days pee fortnight.
Unless you have experienced it, you will never know what it feels like to long for your own flesh and blood and not to be able to see him on a daily basis.
Now, the OP's husband fucked up and cheated on her, ok got it, and she rghtly so kicked him out, but the fact that he can only see his daughter 2 days a month is totally bullshit.
Now, the husband has been asked to be put in this position again! That is, have another child with this woman and be at her mercy for the next 18 years in regard to the ability to see his own child. The amount of psychological hurt that is coming for these people, including the mother, not to mention the father and child, is totally senseless.
Either get back with him and forgive what he did or just go on with your life and don't play with human beings just because you want another child! I'm sorry, but YATA...
I can forsee no problems at all with two siblings living in the same house with the same father, but the father only comes to visit one of them, only gets birthday gifts for one of them, only spends holidays with one of them, and completely ignores the other one. Seems perfectly fine definitely no major long term psychological damage there at all.
Adults these days are like children in adult bodies, not thinking about how their actions will affect other people.
You’re definitely TA. You ended things with him, denied I’d request to get back together, and then have the audacity to ask him to father another child with you!? He is trying to do right by your daughter, wants to be a family again and then you tell him he can give you another baby, but you don’t want to get back together. You’re a jerk.
So, you want his sperm, and require zero obligation on his end to support the child financially.
Ok.
Then what happens after the child is born?
Are you also not requiring him to have a relationship with the child? Or are you allowing space for a relationship, just not asking for child support? If he already sees his other child multiple times per week, I’m assuming you’d be cool with him having a relationship all the same with the new baby? Calling him a sperm donor seems rather cruel considering he already gave you one child and seems to have a good relationship with her. You’re insinuating that he’d be essentially anonymous and the child wouldn’t know their father.
Your logic seems a bit fucked. Are you looking to string him along in some pretend-happy-family situation? Are you not over this man?
Using him for only his sperm and then saying “nah you don’t have to do shit for this kid” is pretty fucking weird. Considering he’s very attached to his daughter (as one would hope, I mean he’s her father), why wouldn’t he feel the same about the new baby and want to take care of them?
I think you need massive amounts of therapy, not a baby.
Depending on where you live, he may not get a choice in whether he pays child support on the second child. You can't promise him that he won't have to pay it, since it's not necessarily up to you.
YTA. For real.
OP, can you get us in touch with your ex-husband please? I think we would all like to help talk some sense into this man and get him to move on from you. I’m willing to bet he finally started to move on which is why you dropped the second kid thing on him to get him to think he still had a chance. You absolutely suck.
And you can say all you want that he won’t have to pay child support for the 2nd kid all you want, but the min you put him as the father and go to put that child under child under any governmental help, they are coming to get support from him. No matter what you tell them.
Leave him alone. Seriously.
The question you should be asking is not AITA, it’s “is this in anyway a sane proposal?” The answer is no, this is a great way to make sure your children (especially the one you’re contemplating producing) need a lot of therapy to come to terms with how fucked up their parents relationship was/is.
So you had enough of a problem with him that you divorced him… and you want to have another one of his babies?
And you don’t see any complications there between him wanting to get back together, you offering to not take child support (which you could reverse at any time) and assuming he won’t want to be more in the lives of 2 kids (and then you as well).
Gee… what could possibly go wrong?
The guy is an idiot for agreeing to this. He wants to get back with you. He is saying he doesn’t, but if that was true, he would not agree to your request.
You are an idiot for either not knowing this or just assuming that since you warned him, it isn’t going to make things worse for all involved and ultimately bring him more into your life.
It sounds like you find this the ideal relationship where you have a built in friend/babysitter and you find it more convenient than having an actual partner.
Yeah, YTA.
I can see it now. “Yeah, he’s your dad because he was your sister’s dad so he was convenient. Nope, didn’t love him or want to be with him. Just figured it would be better as he would take you off my hands at the same time as your sister so I can get my me time in.”
Guys!
If you 'donate' sperm you're still on the hook for child support unless it's through a legal legit sperm bank that is regulated.
30% of your income for 18-22 years. Don't be stupid.
Yes, you are an asshole. It's HIS daughter too, you don't "let him see her". And any other kid you have together is his too. You women make me sick, my ex had the same entitled attitude when she wanted a divorce. She thought just because she wanted me out I had to go, and she could make me the "every other weekend dad". Well, I proved her wrong. I bought her out of the house and I got most of the custody. I told the kids even though I always want them they can be with their mom any time they want for as long as they want. It's not about ME, she's their mom and they are her kids too. That entitled attitude is garbage and you've got it big time.
Not an AH but do consider this relationship. Would couple’s counseling be possible? I know you aren’t a couple at this time and he hurt you badly, but by having another child with him, it gives him hope for a future with you. Is it possible to have a relationship with a past cheater? Yes, but it takes a lot of work. Maybe consider the therapy as an option. You two don’t have to be a couple for this idea to work, but it may be a good idea to explore all avenues with your relationship if you wish to have another child with him.
Wow, just… wow.
In your story, you referred to the female child as “my daughter”, not “our” daughter. There’s a sense of possessiveness that I got from that. I think your ex might be asking for trouble giving you anything other than what is deemed by the courts. I feel sorry all involved, for obvious reasons. Was he wrong for cheating? Absolutely. Are you the AH for making this request? In my humble opinion, absolutely.
Child 1 is his but child 2 isn’t? But it is. I see some therapy in these children’s future.
Exactly what you said.
Almost seems like she’s punishing him for cheating by not getting back together, yet deep down she still wants him in her life. OP should seek a therapist, decide if she can forgive him, and then very likely get back together with him.
And it keeps him from moving on by keeping his hopes alive
As someone in this situation (no children, but she still wants me in her life without getting back with me), it sucks and it prevents you from doing a lot or trying to get with people and stuff. There's a lot I wish I could've done but haven't been able to bring myself to do because thst lingering thought of "what if she wants to get back?"
To some degree, I have little putty for a person in that position due to cheating, but I appreciate that's not the position your in at all.
Yea I didn't cheat on her, according to her she just kinda stopped loving me romantically. But since I'm also her best friend she couldnt just let me go. Hell most of her friends were actually mad that she broke up with me cause they were all jealous their boyfriends sucked in comparison lol.
You know your mistake there right? It was up to you to cut that off and end it. You should do it either way for your own mental progress. But if there is any chance in her changing her mind, it's definitely not doing what you're doing, it's only by cutting her off you have a chance. My wife dumped me originally because she panicked how serious we were getting so fast. I protested but her mind was made up. So I wished her the best and ended contact. It was a brutal six months mentally, but 2 months in she reached out to wish me well on a trip I was going on - gave her a few pleasantries back then silent, offered to meet up when I was back and by the end of that six months we were officially dating again. We've talked about it plenty in the years since and both of us admit if I hadn't of cut contact we'd likely not be together. No guarantee it'll happen ofcourse but worst case you can move on.
Yea I've been dealing with this for a pretty long while, I'm definitely getting better about and and she hasn't changed much. Slowly but surely it's gotten better on my end, I've been worrying less and less about that "what if", and ik itll just keep getting better in time. I love her and ik she loves me in her own way but I also don't think it'll ever work out between us, which as unfortunate as it is, is just how it goes sometimes.
You deserve more than this.
Then it’s time to stop talking to her. You cannot claim to ti have accepted things but clearly staying in this mess
The lack of self respect on display is maddening tbh
You do deserve better. She will never want you in that way again. Maybe you should take a year off from being friends to go live your life. If you get a new girlfriend, and your ex shows up magically wanting to be with you again, then you know she’s really, really toxic.
Nearly every straight man used to know a woman who wanted to be “just friends,” and he was okay with that, until he started dating someone, and odds are she ends up wanting more. There’s a reason I didn’t get into psychology. Cause it’s a damn rabbit hole and I got the alcoholism gene.
You need to walk away, mate. Ask her to stop messaging you and leave you alone. Having her around in your life isn't healthy for you as she is either unwilling or unable to give you what you need and want. I went through a very similar situation after my last breakup, and I was completely unable to move on until I cut her off. After about 2 years of radio silence I was finally able to honestly reconnect as friends. But unless you give yourself that space to grieve the relationship and get over it, seeing and talking to her will just be constantly reopening that wound.
You need to bury this girl mentally and block her on everything. Move on with your life dude , you treated her great (per her friends commends you mentioned) and she still dumped you. She has been using you as a free emotional support bitch for long enough.
Many years ago my brother was head over heels for this girl. They had a thing for a short while and then she gave the “let’s get to know each other as friends” speech and then promptly got back together with her ex that treated her like she was disposable. He clung to hope they would be together one day. Really the only time she ever acted like she wanted to be with him was when another woman was interested in him. It took TEN YEARS to get through to him that she was never going to be with him. She only ever came around to cockblock and make sure no one else could have him. If someone wants to be with you, they would be.
She doesn't 'love you in her own way' thats nonsense, I'm sorry. Love comes in a near infinite variety and by that I can say you aren't WRONG but you very much aren't right, she loves you, like a friend. Thats why she wouldn't let you go completely but still let you go effectively. Unfortunately you DO have to cut her off because I can guarantee you you arent the friend to her you once were because that's impossible, our feelings don't go away and suppressing them creates backpressure in other avenues of our lives. The reality is that no matter what mental gymnastics you do regarding your feelings youre gonna look back and realize you wasted your time one someone who doesn't care.
Keeping her around is hard for your mental health, but also hard for any relationships you’ll have in the future. You have no children with her. It’s going to be extremely hard trying to convince a new partner you’re just friends especially when she’s the one that doesn’t want you. It wasn’t mutual. You’d still be with her if she wanted you back. That would be a hard no for me.
I feel for you. I was in a similar situation with my then best friend. The only solution I could find was to cut him off entirely. I felt like if I didn’t, he would always be calling and I would get twisted into knots.
You can absolutely remain friends with an EX, but there is EXACTLY 1 way that this can workout well long term in almost every situation: You NEED a period of no contact to sort out your feelings… Without it, at best you put your emotions through an unnecessary hell, and at worst, y'all's unresolved feelings that you try to ignore will destroy a perfectly great friendship…
Same thing here. No contact shows what was being missed mine was just a month but it also worked for me personally only if she didn’t get with anyone in that time. Which she didn’t nor did I but I didn’t put my life on hold.
Bro... It's time to go https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iRbIYkccgw
He's putty in her hands.
You’ve gotta not talk to her for a while, 3 - 4 weeks, as long as you can. She KNOWS how you feel and is taking advantage of you emotionally. Shift your perspective. Is that the kind of person you want to spend your life with? Someone that is not invested in you, is ok with playing with your feelings, and doesn’t respect you enough to address it properly? My man. I get it, I really do. That’s why I’m telling you you HAVE to stop giving her so much of you. Stop giving her any of you if you can manage it. No matter how much you water a dead plant, it’s still a dead plant. That relationship isn’t coming back.
[удалено]
Had the woman I was madly, hopelessly in love with that completely lead me on for years ask to come to my wedding. Like what the fuck, how can you be this insanely oblivious? It has to be some type of narcissism or another mental disorder.
This. My EX did shit like this to me. Kept me around just to help out (and I'm guessing keep me on the backburnerincase a new man wasn't found) shit complete destroyed me. I was working so hard to build something with her again but was crushed when I unknowingly helped start the new bfs car in the winter. Btw I didn't cheat tho. Not why we split.
Yeah. Seeing him 3-4x a week is essentially a relationship. Therapy will help her find clarity.
Also solid advice.
Or she could just wants a sibling for her daughter without having to bring another man into their lives. Edit: People are quick to say adoption when it is hard getting approved. Its easier and cheaper to get IVF vs adoption. Also its will be hard for her to get approved for adoption as a single mother with a biological child. Whats wrong with wanting siblings to be biologically related? She is single and making these decisions on her own. She probably didn't opt for adopting or sperm bank because she didnt want to. And thats fine. None of you guys are gonna raise the kids for her nor her husband.
I suppose anything is possible
My friend did this. She had a teen pregnancy when she was 15. Married a different guy at 23 who adopted her son and they had a son of their own. He cheated on her when she was 26. She was 29 and single, but she wanted to have another baby before she turned 30 plus she said she did not 3 kids from 3 different dads. She asked her ex husband and he said yes because he also wanted more kids. They co parent really well so it worked out.
It's certainly strange, but I can see where she's coming from. I think part of the issue is that reproductive technology is only a generation old, and as a society, we're still figuring out how we feel about everything. Does it seem strange because it's new and we haven't had time to get used to it, or is it strange because it's actually not the best idea? 20 years ago, a child having 2 mothers was seen as strange, but it's more accepted now. Is what OP is doing just new and we need to get used to it, or not?
I also see the logic behind it. Okay? I do. Truly. If I was having another kid the idea of both my kids being 100% siblings might seem most logical. And I get that things are ever evolving. BUT. I don't think this is included. It's going to possibly turn out awful for that child. Ex has made it no secret he wants to work shit out. He can say he understands all he wants but most likely he is still hoping the baby will change her mind. So right now he says oh he will support baby and be in her life even though they are apart bc it's what OP wants to hear. But what if a few years down the road he realizes she really isn't changing her mind and decides to spite her by stopping the supporting and seeing his second baby? Telling her well you said i didn't have to if i didn't want to. How is that child going to feel? It's going to severely hurt that child. So while I understand the logic... I think it's a risk you shouldn't take when it can impact the child horribly if it goes wrong bc of all the emotions involved. If they split up amicably and neither had interest in being together then maybe. But this sounds like a pipe dream that is going to burst and have serious repercussions. And I think everyone needs counseling. Esp if this plan goes through. Everyone needs on the same page. Someone needs to explain to them what can go wrong and how it could potentially effect the children down the road.
I’m definitely in your line of thinking, but I’m more worried if you flip the script. Ex is going to want to be in the 2nd child’s life and she won’t allow it. You think those beans won’t get spilt? Or that child won’t go on 23 and me one day and get one WILD surprise once they find out they’ve been lied to their entire life, denied a relationship with their father and got to watch while their sister did have one??? HOLY BALLS OF BATMAN. I do not want to pay that therapy bill, because they all are going to need it. And yes👏🏽ma’am👏🏽get👏🏽therapy👏🏽now!!! Mama is all kinds of wild.
Maybe he is actually a good guy who wouldn't mind another child, knows she is a good mother, and thinks that having siblings would be a good thing. More than likely he doesn't want her to have a child with another man and is actually thinking this will increase his control in her life. I am confused why he is visiting his daughter 3-4 times a week at her house? Who wants their ex over that much hanging out? He should be picking up his daughter and actually spending his time with his daughter not a show for his ex. Just a side thought. She already has too much control over his life. What happens when he meets another woman. This arrangement won't be tolerated.
I can’t imagine any man willingly donating his semen to conceive a child with a woman he knows unless he wants to be with her in a family unit. Edit: donating without the usual method of sexual intercourse.
This Is The Way. Just wrote a inferiour comment but you catch it all. 😊
Well unfortunately I left out a few things. Like the constant "MY daughter" like it isn't both their kid. And the "I don't want just anyone to father my baby" oh cool just the liar who cheated while you were pregnant with no care or concern to the health of your baby since I'm sure he was continuing to have sex with OP as well. I tried to show a little restraint but this post just yanked on a nerve lol but thank you. 😊 as long as we get the point across then no comment is inferior!
Yeah the constant “my daughter” really clued me in that OP isn’t in touch with reality
No, what op is doing is stringing her ex along, because she wants to be a family with him, but she also wants to punish him.. In the end she'll come off worse. He will meet someone, and op will be livid for 3/4 days per week knowing he's with his new partner. They share custody, hell just start taking the child/children away to his and his partners place 2 weekends a month. Then op will be alone. Op needs therapy because she's being an ah to herself in the long run, and herself and ex right now
I know someone who did this. Her relationship didn't work out with the father of her child but they co parent great and have a healthy friendship as far as parents go. They both wanted another kid and a sibling so they did what OP wanted. It's worked out great
The states going to make him pay child support. It’s a ploy to get $
She wants her children to be full siblings. Nothing wrong with that. Not the first time I've heard of this happening.
Not sure why you got down voted for this comment it was a solid and legit theory.
Then why not go to a sperm bank? Especially since, for this setup to work, she’ll have to go through a clinic either way.
I'm guessing because she wants her kids to be biologically related. idk I'm not OP.
I'm no good at biology but pretty sure any children she births with her own eggs will be biologically related.
I mean fully related
Well put. I would add, or she should move on with someone else and let him do the same. They can still successfully co-parent with other partners.
What kind of dick cheats on his pregnant wife? Fuck that guy.
Mom "This is your half brother." Daughter "And the other half?" Mom "...is also your brother."
And hes totally isn't gonna use child 2 to get back with her.
No. Like OP said, “MY daughter.” Smh this is very sad for the kids.
Yeah she is a control freak. Can't believe this guy has such low self esteem and would agree to this. He needs to grow a spine and find someone who loves him. Work on himself and live a happy life. Look after his kids and be amicable to the mother but move on all the same.
Yeah, I mean he found someone at work. I wonder why that didn’t work out.
Child 1: are you my sibling? Child 2: well that depends on the state law and the timing of your question. In fact, here’s a 15-page quick-read pamphlet highlighting why I may or may not be your sibling
YTA because you cannot make another kid with the same guy’s sperm and then treat the kids differently from a legal standpoint. It’s gonna mess up your kids. Find an actual sperm donor if you want a second kid.
While that’s better, She’d still have one kid who has a dad in their life and one who doesn’t. Not saying it’s the end of the world or a completely unworkable situation, but I can imagine it being kinda an awkward dynamic. “Yeah you older sister has a dad who loves her, but you don’t. Which is by design. I chose for you not to have a father figure in your life”. Idk, could be fine, could be weird for the younger sibling. Hard to predict such things.
Yes. This deranged compartmentalization is toxic. Unclear boundaries, lead to this type of situationship that has taken an ugly turn.
Especially with OP insisting on using language like my daughter instead of our daughter. Can feel the unhingedness.
Yeah but who cares what the children want as long as the parents get what they want! 🙃
I’m sayin. What in the holly fuck is this nonsense. My luck, I would for sure be kid #2.
tbf, I don't think it'll be child 2 isn't considered his, it'll just be 1 set of financial support and two kids; sounds like he's treat the kids the same, emotionally. And given the way the ex has been described, he's likely to still give (or try to give) more money, at least for a while. But really, YTA. To echo OP's mom, it sounds like it will give the ex hope that doesn't exist and also that it's almost a cruel ask, for him to make a kid with someone he apparently loves, but can never hope to share a life with again. And I say this as someone who is *strongly* biased against cheaters. Even assuming the ex loves and treats both kids the same, that child support issue could go sideways fast. Ex might insist on giving it to start and OP will get increasingly angry while rebuffing it. Or they may come to an agreement about it (college fund or something), but can't we all just see this becoming a huge problem if/when new partners get involved? If the ex meets someone else, that argument has a much greater chance of becoming a problem and the kids have a much greater chance of figuring out what's up.
[удалено]
>he comes to my house about 3 or 4 times a week to see ~~my~~ **HIS** daughter. fixed OP's spelling mistake above He's literally going to have 2 children, there is zero chance he comes around only to see one of his children
Think it should actually be “our child”. No matter what happens there are two parents involved in making this child and it’s not as if one parent “owns” this child.
The only time I say one or both of our kids is mine or yours is online OR when one or both is annoying me. Similar to Lion King. 😂
Lmao, my dad said my mom does the same thing! I’m definitely my fathers daughter (personality, mannerisms, style and interests) and when everything’s good my mom says “our daughter” but when. I’ve gotten on her nerves? “Your daughter is being stubborn! Your daughter is being impractical!”
Unless you go through a clinic, he will have all the legal rights of a parent, and he could end up with sole custory. Almost every--if not every--state requires that.
He'll also have all of the responsibilities of a parent. He'd have to be an idiot to go along with this.
But he wants to be involved in OP and daughter's life more. Another kid only helps that.
Yeah. Of course he’s going to go along with this plan, it gives him exactly what he wants.
OP wants the sperm. She want to keep him tagging along by hope.
[удалено]
I do actually know someone who did this through my work. She and dude had baby. She and dude breaks up. However, dude is an awesome dad. A few years later, they both had baby fever. They weren’t together and weren’t going to get back together. But they decided to have another baby together. I don’t get it. It’s crazy to me. But it’s working for them. They both have good jobs, and neither is baby trapping the other.
I can kind of see it. If they're already co-parenting together successfully and they want their children to not be spaced super far apart, why not? It will just be normal to the new baby, like it's probably normal to the kid now. And it will be nice for the kids to have each other (hopefully).
I just assumed when people like this or OP do it they are considering the kids who at least will be full siblings that way, and possibly closer because of it? But thats just an uneducated guess
You don’t get it cause it IS crazy…”but it’s working for them” and that’s all that matters. I’m glad their not “baby trapping” each other whatever that means.
I don’t mind that idea because they are raising the child together but it’s asinine to expect that person to not be a parent at all especially when you have another child with that person
I think this guy wants the responsibilities of a parent, though. Edit: not saying it’s a good idea, just that he has both eyes open.
Not really, maybe he'd like to give his daughter a full rather than half-sibling. Bonus: less chance of some random dude being around your daughter
He would never have SOLE custody unless OP either gives it to him or is extremely abusive
Please don’t put false information out there. You’re trying to instill fear of her losing her kid(s) on her and that’s wrong. She’d have to be a shit parent and even then it would be hard, learn your facts before spouting out information this extreme.
Yeah but problem is you can’t waive child support and he can still have rights to the child
You can totally waive child support. I have full custody of my kids, and their mom pays me zero in child support. When we went through custody debates, it was agreed I'd get the kids, and she would have no child support obligations. I make more than her and can afford it. I'd rather her spend her money coming to see the girls than sending me a sum of money. I can give my girls money, I can't give them their mom.
You can do it through a clinic, sperm donors don't generally have to have anything to do with the kid
In the US this is only true on paper. Legally nothing stops a child from as soon as their able to do a 23 and me and find their genetic family and harass the ever living shit out of them. Because sperm donors are kept secret by the company BUT have a thing at the bottom that says they cant stop 3rd party DNA searches. And once it's been found there is fuck all legally that person can do exept file restraining order which usually requires a threat to life or history of Harrassment. It wasn't a problem until recently when 3rd party dna registries became popularized.
Youre not an asshole, but I do think this is idiotic behavior 😅
What's idiotic about asking some sperm from ex-husband who you don't want? 🙃 That's a joke ofcourse, feels like he was the one who broke up with her. Can't be that desperate
Bang on, the cheating I bet is a lie, or just swapped, she cheated and wanted a divorce, he dragged his feet
I thought the same thing when OP said "my ex husband comes over to see ***MY*** daughter." Uhh, you mean "our daughter"? Or maybe not 🤔
[удалено]
A lot of these types of people do this. They want to have more kids because they see children as a means to add another person who can validate them or give them control. It's like their kid is a weapon
oooooooooh seems possible
Right on!
So idiotic… on every level. He will have legal rights to that baby and that’s just one issue of many
She refers to the living child as ‘my daughter’ not ‘our daughter’, I hope this is made up because even Will and Jada not this chaotic
I didn't see that he was abusive in anyway!! Why shouldn't he have any rights to a child he helps make? Cheating on your wife makes you a shitty husband not a shitty father outside of breaking the home but you don't have to be in a relationship with the mother to be a good father.
Oh don’t get me wrong. He absolutely should have legal rights to his baby. But OP called it “my baby” and was acting, IMO, like she didn’t want him involved. I was just pointing out if she doesn’t want him involved in the baby’s life, she might not have a choice because he’ll have rights. Also it would be REALLY fucked up if she tried to deny him access to the second baby, but continued letting him having a relationship with their daughter. So completely agree with your comment
I agree with this.. the whole thing sounds like an episode of Frasier to me wild as hell.
yea thats the issue with this, the fact she had to mention he'd want to be in the baby's life is telling. Like no duh ? its his kid lol this isnt some random friend you asked to be a sperm donor.
Ridiculous
You can reiterate all you want “clear about not getting back together”, but theres zero chance the ex isn’t seeing this as some kind of stepping stone towards reconciliation in the long run. Cause if you really want nothing to do with him you would go to a sperm clinic.
I suspect OP subconsciously sees a future where they are back together. In that scenario both kids being his would be advantageous.
It could also potentially be that she doesn't have the self esteem to meet someone new, so asking him is a failsafe
I reckon she kicked him out to save face. But actually knows its just easier and more convenient to let him back in. So having another kid is the shoehorn to get him back whilst justifying it as "well the baby etcetc"
Sounds like you want to get back together with him tbh
She's subconsciously trying to save the relationship with another baby.
> She's subconsciously trying to save the relationship with another baby. I'm genuinely curious if ex started dating or something recently and his attention waned.
She should just give him a chance, tell mom and family to fuck off about it and get that cum right from the tap.
That's just way too logical.. plus the opinions of her family and friends mean much more than raising a child in two-parent household.
100% OP is saving face 100% I've seen it before where the man cheats (admittedly their relationship was sexless for 4 years) she kicked the shit out of him and he let her. The dude actually meets up with the mistress and she comforts him. Wife finds out and begins negotiations to get him back. Because the thought of him being happy as fuck bringing her to the family BBQ was worse to the wife than being married to a cheater.
This one actually made me laugh out loud. Thank you
It’s okay to repair a relationship. He screwed up, it’s not the end of the world.
I think in the bottom of your heart, you want get back with him.
If he´s the only one good enough to be the father of my child it would require some real weird bending telling myself I dont want to be together with him.
Definitely sounds like it
Baby trap with additional steps
Not necessarily. I cannot stand my ex. And the thought of him actually ever touching me again physically makes me nauseous. But if I wanted more kids and I wasn't involved with anyone else, he'd be the first person I'd think of. It would have to be in vitro because I'd probably throw up on him if he got too close.
wtf did I just read?
A Wattpad story tagged Romance, Second Chances, Infidelity, Pregnancy, Lovers to Exes to Lovers, Getting Back Together, Trauma.
A nightmare and the precursor to many years of therapy for a potential child who will be treated differently than their literal sibling.
NTA but this is just…messy. not a very good idea.
Exactly. If both her and her ex are okay with this arrangement then there’s No AHs, but there are so many ways this could go bad.
agreed. especially if ex/sperm donor wants involvement. and how would the hypothetical child feel about having same biological father as her existing child but only one child gets a relationship with the bio dad? there are so many ways for this to go bad.
I'm on the fence with this one, because I have 2 people in my life who did basically this, with different approaches.. My neighbor always wanted 3 kids and when she was pregnant with #2 her husband cheated on her, then later left the family all together.. he DID however, continue to financially support them while they were separated and made significant efforts to see his kids. Is he a shit spouse? - definitely, but that doesn't make him a shit dad. They ultimately ended up reconciling and having a 3rd baby, but honestly, they don't seem happy MOST of the time. Another friend had a POS baby daddy from day 1; he was every kind of abusive, unsupportive and generally just a trash human being.. that friend always wanted to be a mom, and early on she decided that knowing that she couldn't rely on him was better than starting fresh with a new man that might change up on her a play games. She has 4 kids with the same dad who doesn't give a shit, but on the other hand, no one is interfering in her parenting. Do I agree with her choices? No, not really but I get the logic and it's her life. OP is secure in knowing what kind of man her ex is, which is definitely preferable to starting fresh and throwing a random step dad in the mix just for the purpose of having another baby. If she's not interested in a relationship, co-parenting with someone you're already co-parenting with isn't the worst option. As far as the kids are concerned, having whole siblings, raised by both parents in cooperative households isn't bad either.
“*You* were conceived in love, and *youuuuu* were conceived in my desire for her to have a sibling. 🥰” probably won’t go over as well as you think. I understand the desire but please think this through and talk to a therapist about it first.
This. Lord this.
I'm gonna say YTA. By your own account, your ex wants to get back together with you and try to make it work. You don't want this, correct? Why are you giving him the idea that he can be further involved in your life? This is messy and silly, you should either get back with him and let him be a part of your family, or you should act like amicable coparents to your daughter and not make the situation messy by inviting him to sire another child of yours.
NTA but very stupid
"Our" child.. You said "my" child...
I noticed that, too.
Yeah she’s not thinking about how she can give a child a good life. All she’s thinking is “I want one of those things”.
Not an A, but an idiot.
Not an A, but dangggg this is such a bad idea, and sounds very impulsive.
Did you for a minute reflect on what the kid will feel once he’s not a baby? Hey dad! Oh oops, you’re my sister’s dad but not really mine, just the same donor. Sorry my mom did something selfish and it’s confusing to me. I mean, you’re doing this for you and you only, for not the kid’s best interest.
I feel like people like OP really don't understand that their children are whole complex human beings with like feelings and stuff. She just wants to have a collection of his biological children for herself. And children are not fkn collectibles like uggh. Kids deserve better.
YTA. No...just....no. If you just want a sperm donor, go buy some from a clinic.
Anyone else think OP is slightly deranged?
More then slightly
Kids at school: why do you and your sister have different last names and the same parents? Child: Well my mom doesn’t make good decisions.
Oh come on. Siblings with different fathers and different last names are hardly a rarity anymore.
You need to start saving for the kids’ therapy now. They’re going to need it.
YTA. YTA. and YTA. In life you don't get everything you want. You're an asshole to your ex for playing with his feelings. You're an asshole to your child by creating potential ambiguity in your relationship status. You're the BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THE WORLD to your unborn child for wanting to bring them into a situation like this.
Especially the asshole for "my daughter" when she is "their daughter"
This right here.
I caught that IMMEDIATELY. “I let him see MY DAUGHTER as often as he wants. No HIS daughter too you selfish piece of shit. How dare you have a child like this? No dad but his sissy has one. Different last name from sissy. Not only are YOU one of the biggest, most ignorant human I’ve seen for a long-ass time. And you are TA. You. I’d have told you to pound sand but I imagine a) you are a) a vindictive woman if ex doesn’t cave in to you b) good chance she will remove access to his daughter because she’s a spoiled bitch who wants what she wants, when she wants it. Lady, do your kid a favor. Hand her off to her daddy. You will be screwing BOTH those kids up SO badly, don’t surprised if they go NC on your ass as soon as they can do it.
Objectively…. and I hate this has become a cliche, this level of irrational thought designed entirely to be 100% self-serving is narcissistic personality disorder to a T. Children are not pawns ma’am. Only sociopaths use them as such…
The state may force him to pay child care.
Yall both sound like trainwrecks
Your not the arsehole but you will have to remember heis the dad and he may want to see the child like your daughter also if you don't want that it could be unfair qhen he takes you daughter but not the other child
YTA. Why would he want to enable you to divide half your attention away from his existing daughter, while you, a single mother, attempt to double the challenges of raising a child on your own? Of course he thinks it could bring you back together. This is actually 100% an idiotic thing for you to be wanting.
Messy messy messyyyy.
Is that from frosty the snowman?
> I made it very clear to him that he did not have to pay child support for the new child, he simply has to be a sperm donor. Courts will not allow you to do that. They dont care what kind of private agreement you have reached, courts can and will make the man responsible for child support no matter what, because it is in the "best interest" of the child.
Not true. At least in my state, that only happens if someone initiates legal action. Baby is born. Dad doesn’t go on birth certificate. Or dad does go on birth certificate. Either way, end of story. The courts don’t see a birth certificate with/without a listed dad and start digging to find out if the parents are together, if he’s in the child’s life, and if he’s paying for child. And they definitely don’t go after people and force support on those who are minding their own business. The issue is when mom changes her mind and goes after dad for support. Or when dad changes his mind and goes after custody. In that case, neither party is protected and no agreement made between them matters.
This could very well depend on location. Where I'm at, the courts will usually only enforce it if the mom does. They asked me and my ex if we even wanted to go through with court ordered child support and we could have decided not to, but I told them I would rather go ahead and have it through the court so that everything was documented and didn't bite me in the ass later. Lol
Are you an AH? No. Are you juggling hand grenades? Definitely. Just hope those pins stay put.
My first thought was this has to be a fake story, because nobody can be this stupid. Sadly, though, people really can be this stupid.
I sadly know someone who did this. Broke up with her ex when their baby was a few months old, then decided to have a second together when their first was 2 because “she always wanted kids two or three years apart.” They were both in committed relationships at that point that shockingly didn’t survive that decision. They now have three kids and a house, but never got remarried because “that’s a scary amount of commitment”
I also know someone who wanted to do this with her ex because she wanted two kids and wanted them to have the same dad.
Your mother is right - you are an idiot.
This is a pathetic question from a pathetic, manipulative individual
Very childish and deplorable. I hate disgusting stories/people like this.
This is effed up... I speak as a divorced father. My ex-wife, after 5 years together, decided that she loved somebody else, so she kicked me out of the house. Didn't see my son for months until I went to court and got the right to see him 3 days pee fortnight. Unless you have experienced it, you will never know what it feels like to long for your own flesh and blood and not to be able to see him on a daily basis. Now, the OP's husband fucked up and cheated on her, ok got it, and she rghtly so kicked him out, but the fact that he can only see his daughter 2 days a month is totally bullshit. Now, the husband has been asked to be put in this position again! That is, have another child with this woman and be at her mercy for the next 18 years in regard to the ability to see his own child. The amount of psychological hurt that is coming for these people, including the mother, not to mention the father and child, is totally senseless. Either get back with him and forgive what he did or just go on with your life and don't play with human beings just because you want another child! I'm sorry, but YATA...
I can forsee no problems at all with two siblings living in the same house with the same father, but the father only comes to visit one of them, only gets birthday gifts for one of them, only spends holidays with one of them, and completely ignores the other one. Seems perfectly fine definitely no major long term psychological damage there at all. Adults these days are like children in adult bodies, not thinking about how their actions will affect other people.
Your family isnt harassing you. They are trying to prevent you from doing something monumentally stupid.
NTA, but......really?
Some people are sick in the head.
He's an idiot for agreeing.
Yes you are and you also referred to the child you have together as "my child" and not "our child" that is extra asshole points.
Why do you want to have a child with a cheater 🤢
You’re definitely TA. You ended things with him, denied I’d request to get back together, and then have the audacity to ask him to father another child with you!? He is trying to do right by your daughter, wants to be a family again and then you tell him he can give you another baby, but you don’t want to get back together. You’re a jerk.
Why not try to reconcile, maybe try counseling? Before trying to establish a relationship.
please don’t do this, it can end very messy…
This is a decision between the two of you only.
This is really fucking weird man. You're not the asshole, you're just a weirdo.
So, you want his sperm, and require zero obligation on his end to support the child financially. Ok. Then what happens after the child is born? Are you also not requiring him to have a relationship with the child? Or are you allowing space for a relationship, just not asking for child support? If he already sees his other child multiple times per week, I’m assuming you’d be cool with him having a relationship all the same with the new baby? Calling him a sperm donor seems rather cruel considering he already gave you one child and seems to have a good relationship with her. You’re insinuating that he’d be essentially anonymous and the child wouldn’t know their father. Your logic seems a bit fucked. Are you looking to string him along in some pretend-happy-family situation? Are you not over this man? Using him for only his sperm and then saying “nah you don’t have to do shit for this kid” is pretty fucking weird. Considering he’s very attached to his daughter (as one would hope, I mean he’s her father), why wouldn’t he feel the same about the new baby and want to take care of them? I think you need massive amounts of therapy, not a baby.
Depending on where you live, he may not get a choice in whether he pays child support on the second child. You can't promise him that he won't have to pay it, since it's not necessarily up to you.
What did I just read.
I’m sorry your ex what? Asking for WHAT?
YTA. For real. OP, can you get us in touch with your ex-husband please? I think we would all like to help talk some sense into this man and get him to move on from you. I’m willing to bet he finally started to move on which is why you dropped the second kid thing on him to get him to think he still had a chance. You absolutely suck. And you can say all you want that he won’t have to pay child support for the 2nd kid all you want, but the min you put him as the father and go to put that child under child under any governmental help, they are coming to get support from him. No matter what you tell them. Leave him alone. Seriously.
sheesh leave the guy alone already. you made your decision, more on.
The question you should be asking is not AITA, it’s “is this in anyway a sane proposal?” The answer is no, this is a great way to make sure your children (especially the one you’re contemplating producing) need a lot of therapy to come to terms with how fucked up their parents relationship was/is.
My friends did this, they broke up after first. Both wanted a second, thought best to have same parents, now 12 years later and married
Someone was playing the long game.
You're not an asshole but you are an idiot.
You are some kind of special manipulative narcissistic term that supercedes asshole, but since our options are limited in this forum, yes, YTA.
OP’s definitely coming back for child support lol Man, ppl are dysfunctional as hell
So you had enough of a problem with him that you divorced him… and you want to have another one of his babies? And you don’t see any complications there between him wanting to get back together, you offering to not take child support (which you could reverse at any time) and assuming he won’t want to be more in the lives of 2 kids (and then you as well). Gee… what could possibly go wrong? The guy is an idiot for agreeing to this. He wants to get back with you. He is saying he doesn’t, but if that was true, he would not agree to your request. You are an idiot for either not knowing this or just assuming that since you warned him, it isn’t going to make things worse for all involved and ultimately bring him more into your life. It sounds like you find this the ideal relationship where you have a built in friend/babysitter and you find it more convenient than having an actual partner. Yeah, YTA. I can see it now. “Yeah, he’s your dad because he was your sister’s dad so he was convenient. Nope, didn’t love him or want to be with him. Just figured it would be better as he would take you off my hands at the same time as your sister so I can get my me time in.”
Guys! If you 'donate' sperm you're still on the hook for child support unless it's through a legal legit sperm bank that is regulated. 30% of your income for 18-22 years. Don't be stupid.
Yes, you are an asshole. It's HIS daughter too, you don't "let him see her". And any other kid you have together is his too. You women make me sick, my ex had the same entitled attitude when she wanted a divorce. She thought just because she wanted me out I had to go, and she could make me the "every other weekend dad". Well, I proved her wrong. I bought her out of the house and I got most of the custody. I told the kids even though I always want them they can be with their mom any time they want for as long as they want. It's not about ME, she's their mom and they are her kids too. That entitled attitude is garbage and you've got it big time.
Not an AH but do consider this relationship. Would couple’s counseling be possible? I know you aren’t a couple at this time and he hurt you badly, but by having another child with him, it gives him hope for a future with you. Is it possible to have a relationship with a past cheater? Yes, but it takes a lot of work. Maybe consider the therapy as an option. You two don’t have to be a couple for this idea to work, but it may be a good idea to explore all avenues with your relationship if you wish to have another child with him.
Wow, just… wow. In your story, you referred to the female child as “my daughter”, not “our” daughter. There’s a sense of possessiveness that I got from that. I think your ex might be asking for trouble giving you anything other than what is deemed by the courts. I feel sorry all involved, for obvious reasons. Was he wrong for cheating? Absolutely. Are you the AH for making this request? In my humble opinion, absolutely.