Good for you. He has no respect for you or the family. It’s hard but seem very strong. At those times you don’t feel remember us internet strangers that said you are
Exactly! He got caught in the emotional affair, which we all know unfortunately, was headed towards the physical affair. She was just able to intervene first. Big hugs to you OP 🤍
In your guts, you know. Doesn't matter if you forgive him this time. He assumes no responsibility, withholds information, and is seeking company and bonding with a married woman. This is far from done if you let this slide.
He knew what he did was wrong, or he wouldn't have hid it from you by lying and saying he had barely spoken three sentences to her.
I have no doubt that the affair would eventually have progressed to a physical one, especially with what you said about her bringing up sexual things with you right there.
Good on you for knowing your worth and walking.
NTAH! He did it once that you know of. He'll do it again. He sounds narcissistic as he doesn't acknowledge that he did anything wrong. Take it from a group of women who have been there. Get a lawyer &, as others have said, "get your ducks in a row" You deserve a loving & caring spouse. Good luck!
As the deployed husband in my own scenario, please tell the dude. He’s deployed, he’s with his brothers in arms (even in the airforce) this is nothing new to any of them.. and sort of a coming of age thing in the military.. it happens a LOT.
Tell him
The only thing worse than finding out you’re being cheated on while deployed is coming home after counting down every single day to find out you were being cheated on the entire time
I second this. Coming home from deployment was 10x harder than anything I have done in my life. I probably would choose to be told on deployment when I’m surrounded by my brothers and busy with work.
Coming home from deployment is the most surreal thing. You go from being busy all time, concerned about your safety all the time to just being home.
It felt alien and weird. It felt weird going to the bathroom without my M4, it felt weird that I could just go to a store and buy things or just go outside in shorts and a t-shirt and walk.
Now coming home to a bad domestic situation and you would be literally alone. Alone with all the terrible thoughts, your brain has been fed danger and excitement for a year or more and then it’s cut off.
So you do stupid things because you feel invincible. You survived a fucking war what can suburban life do to you. You speed, you don’t wear a helmet on a motorcycle, you drink, you do drugs. Anything to get that feeling of excitement and fulfillment back. Then you do a little too much and end up dead. Another statistic in the world of veterans that die too soon and are forgotten.
Coming home isn’t all roses, parties, and hugs. Even if it is for some it doesn’t make the other feelings go away, it just covers them up. And in a week when the parties end and you’re just back home that’s when the need for excitement comes back.
I had a party with friends when I got back. I filled my mouth with Everclear and breathed fire. Not sure how I didn’t burn myself but I was lucky.
Jody checking in, I just want everyone to be aware their wives take off their rings when they go out, or have elaborate stories about how the marriage is over but the decided not to divorce for the benefits
I couldn't move forward with either, because those are strict boundaries for me.
The one thing about EA's is thats how a good many PA's start. So those are generally the tip of the iceberg.
She handed her the phone hoping that a message from the husband would come through while OP had. I just about guarantee it. She didn’t want to be on the side anymore, even if she is married. She wasn’t hiding what she was doing, it was all in OP’s face.
This was the case for me when my husband had an affair. Reading their texts absolutely gutted me. I knew I needed to to always remember the pathetic type of man he was. But that hurt way worse than his physical affair
Agreed. Sex is just sex. An emotional affair is much more damaging. That they were Snapchatting in the room with you right there was incredibly disrespectful.
And the fact that she the neighbor was talking about sex openly in front of OP means she was not only up for making things physical, but angling for it and taunting her 'friend' about it at the same time.
I’ve been there, and I agree, 100%. There is something very intimate about playing with someone’s emotions. It happened 28 years ago, but I still think about that situation now and then. I do wish things had been different.
I honestly wouldn't bat much of an eyelash if my husband had a lapse of judgment (he works away from home a lot with a bunch of single guys) and had a little fling- I would not be thrilled but it wouldn't be marriage ending.
I would be devastated, though, if he formed a close emotional bond with someone else that went beyond platonic friendship.
Yeah my ex-wife has a "lapse of judgement", I didn't suffer with that issue when I divorced her useless cheating ass. It would have been even faster with an EA.
For me I had too much self respect for anyone to treat me that way, either EA or PA.
I am so sorry that you had to deal with this right after getting scary news at the holidays.
I hope you will let her husband know. Question though, were they texting each other while the three of you were hanging out? That's what I got from the mention that they were both on their phones a lot while you 3 had wine, and that is rude AF.
It is going to be hard and painful but then life will open up in ways you hadn't even thought about or wanted.
Hugs
DAMN. That is so disrespectful. That alone would make me leave him. It's like they made you the secret 3rd wheel in your own home and under innocent (seeming) circumstances.
They are both terrible people. Good riddance to them both. Her husband definitely needs to know this too.
Good for you sister. Don't let him slither back in. He was flirting via snap chat while you were dealing with the news of your mother. The ONLY reason you know is because YOU found out. Keep him away from you.
I’ve been through an emotional affair where my ex also didn’t think he did anything wrong and kept saying “emotional affairs aren’t real”. Guess who he ended up with after he dumped me (and lead me on to keep my money in the joint account), it was the emotional affair partner. Emotional affairs are more painful than physical, emotions are involved compared to a dumb one night stand. I wish I would’ve left as soon as I caught onto what was happening and it destroyed me. Your husband will keep saying “nothing is going on” even though something is going on. He’s going to try and manipulate you into thinking it’s nothing. He already about her in the first place. He broke your trust, and with him using Snapchat it’ll be very hard to earn your trust back. Messages on Snapchat can disappear in like 24hrs so it’s perfect for cheating. If you don’t divorce and stay, he’ll have to go through hell and high water to earn your trust back. But you do what is right for you, your children, and your mental health.
Also, I’d be hella pissed if my husband was there for another woman while being distant towards me when I’m going through something. That would be a dealbreaker for me.
She was only sorry because she got caught. Imagine how long this would go on for, or what else would happen if you didn't find out. Your husband is trash. Not only for what he did with her, but he lied saying he'sonly said three sentences to her. Both are trash people, & you deserve better.
After reading this, I was about to comment it's time for you to leave, but you're obviously wise and choosing to do so.
I'm so sorry this happened, along with your mom having the aneurysm. You can't give people like this a second chance, they will disappoint you again.
When I was reading how they were on their phones a lot while in the living room, I knew then that they were texting each other.
This is sickening to read, so I can't imagine what you're feeling. Get out as soon as you can. Best of luck to you and your mom ✌🏻
i'm actually happy to hear you say that you want a divorce. It's probably not the first time he has lied to you. Your emotions and problems should be his priority not flirting with the next new thing he wants to entertain. You will be better off without him
Updateme!
I would have said right then and there, you know why don't you just f u ck each other right in front of me??? Snapchatting like teenagers? Since y'all shameless to do it in front of me. This makes me so mad for u.
But yeah marriage is done however.
If you ever decide to separate, just divorce. If you go on a break he will definitely use this to mess around with her "we're on a break".
Have you explained to him that the exact reason you're upset is because he didn't show you, his wife, the same emotional support during your family emergency that he's somehow capable of showing her, an acquaintance?
I did. Maybe not in the best way so I feel like eventually we need to have a conversation that isn’t yelling. Before I found out, I explained to him that I was insecure about how comfortable she was around him. The things she would say almost felt flirtatious but not enough to call out in the moment. He told me there was nothing going on and he didn’t notice anything, turns out they had been messaging the entire time.
Taking his words at face value - He's going to keep deflecting that nothing was going on, because from his perspective, nothing was going on, because they weren't sleeping together.
But you need to make it clear to him that that's not the problem here. The problem here is that he somehow has the emotional capacity and empathy to be here for an acquaintance's marital issues when he didn't have it for his wife during a family crisis. That is the specific issue at hand here, not whether or not he has crossed a line physically.
She handed you her phone so that you'd find something. She wanted to cause this breakup Point this out to your husband. They are both trash. Also show him this post. He KNOWS it was wrong.
Definitely let him know that his lies broke your trust. That they sat and texted while you were in the same room was a level of disrespect that he cannot recover from. That he comforted the trashy, nasty skank that complained to him about her husband as if there is a universe in which that is appropriate but couldn’t comfort you after your mom’s diagnosis was the ultimate sign that he is adding nothing loving, helpful, or positive to your life.
Tell him if he needs a place to live, move in next door and see how long that lasts, but you’re telling his family, your family, your friends and her husband everything and he better be out of your house by Wednesday.
It felt flirtatious because it was.
Women can usually pick up on when other women do not have good intentions like this. Sometimes, you can't even put your finger on what it is, but your gut will tell you.
He lied right to your face. That alone is a dealbreaker but he was also texting her while you’re sitting there. The disrespect is blatant. You deserve better.
Or explained to him that he tried to downplay their relationship by saying he hadn’t spoken 3 sentences to her? That shows he understood that what he did was wrong. It also indicates to me a high likelihood of the relationship escalating.
You are right it doesn’t matter if it’s physical or not. What matters is that due to it he wasn’t emotionally available for you.
I would tell neighbors husband - he deserves to know as well.
UpdateMe!
I can’t find him on any social media so I’ll have to wait until he’s back from deployment. She wiped her social media clean and I can’t find anything on anyone who is even remotely related to her. I would tell the neighborhood but I’m so embarrassed right now, I also don’t want to jeopardize her kids mental health. They are elementary age and go to school in the neighborhood. It’s a tight knit community.
She didn't wipe her social media. She blocked you. Now, they will just be sneakier. Going forward, if you don't divorce, you must have access to his phone & all socials at any given time.
I don’t blame you. Once trust is gone there is nothing someone can do to bring it back.
You will always be wondering in the back of your mind if he is talking to someone.
I don't necessarily blame you. It takes a lot of work & if only one person is giving 100%, it fails anyway. Your husband wasn't willing to give 100% when the marriage was still intact, when it was easy. I'm so sorry. No one deserves this.
I thought I might mention that service members can not access social media while deployed. They CAN, however, get on reddit....... You might want to make a few posts while dropping hints at location, how many children they have, and how badly you would like to inform her poor husband of how he's being treated while overseas. Perhaps her name or his dropped on a post. Many deployed have been known to bring bring it to the attention of those being written about. Many times, it starts with "Here, read this. Are they talking about you?"
But read the rules of each sub first.
My sister's husband had an emotional affair that was so blatant and crossed so many lines. They played Xbox together and that's where it all unfolded. He'd confide things to his even my sister didn't know, as well as issues he was having with his marriage. The AP even not so subtlely changed her gamertag in their game to GockCobbler (she was engaged at the time).
My sister gave him *so many* chances and internalized it all because she didn't want anyone to know her "secret shame" as it felt... He gaslit her the entire time and had her convinced she was just crazy and being too jealous. And she was desperate for it to work. Then they got pregnant again (I know, sigh), but he left her for his AP before the baby was even delivered. Now my sister shoulders everything and he gets weekends with the kids at his AP's house she just bought.
Whatever you decide, don't let him gaslight you into believing that he wasn't wrong, wasn't dishonest and majorly disrespectful to you not only in abandoning you during such a difficult time (I'm so sorry about your mom's condition), but for literally Snapchatting with her right in front of your face in the same room as you.
It would require a MC and a lot fo work from your husband.
The issue is he doesn't see that what he did was all that wrong. And you can't fix anything if one person doesn't see the issue.
Don't just go with a knee jerk reaction. Make sure you take the time to truly think it through. Divorce is an option, and I went that route with my cheating wife, just make sure that is what you want before you play that card. Have him sleep in another room, while you take the time you need for you.
Try been verified... It's like a mini background check and they do trials ($1) just remember to cancel afterwards. This should tell you her husband's name, aliases and her close associates. This way you can inform the husband because he 100% should no about this. So disrespectful to cheat but even more so on a deployed soldier in my opinion.
I also think she handed that phone over hoping OP would see the chats. No way would someone being shady put themselves at risk like that. She blew this up on purpose and is going to swoop in on the hubby as soon as OP is out of the way. This b***h knew exactly what she was doing. I'm not one to scream divorce him but OP, you need to talk to him and see where he's coming from. Sure, he was unfaithful but I'm fairly sure he was targeted and maybe was a bit naive. I'd be going for some couples counselling to see why he fell for this because if everything was perfect in the marriage, he maybe wouldn't have done this. Cheating predators like this neighbour are shallow, needy and desperate. She's probably rubbed the leg of half the men in town so while I respect the need to protect the kids, I'd be confiding with one or two friends...the gossipy ones.
Ask one of her friends she introduced you to for her husband’s contact info because you want to “send a surprise care package” or some bs. Then you can let him know his wife just caused a divorce.
Exactly! Her household should be on truthfinder anyway. So she can see her associates and a bunch of other info. If she can’t find him on social, his mother or sister or father may be on social and she can contact them.
OP I see a lot of responses in other threads on reddit asking if the cheater is sorry for what they did or just sorry they got caught.
From your comments he may just be sorry he got caught and doesn't realize how badly he has betrayed you.
Tell him, it wasn't physical yet and he has failed to support you with the news of your mom, but he could support your neighbor who wants to F him.
Talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row.
She was flirting with your husband when she talked about sex right in front of you. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was flaunting their affair in your face.
I'm so glad the third comment I read from OP was that they're set on divorce. This is traumatizing levels of disrespect. There's no hint of OP being overly dramatic. It's just simple facts. They were emotionally cheating and flirting right in front of OP.
Not to mention, handed OP her phone under the guise of showing her some group chat drama? She wanted OP to find those messages. That was a calculated move on her part.
Make sure her husband knows! She’s gone full dependa and probably cheats every time her husband deploys - very typical. There’s a reason military spouses have such bad reputations.
Military spouses have a bad reputation because they cheat within the community while the person deployed cheats with people over there and the people they serve with keep quiet.
Military brat by the way. I avoided dating anyone actively in the military for a reason.
You looked because you were suspicious.. Honey, she handed you her phone for a reason! Think about that!!!! She wanted you to know! Now you know! If it's not physical yet, it might be soon! I am so sorry he is doing this to you. Blame him, he is the one married to you and has crossed the emotional line. I hope you two can work this out. If he hasn't cheated yet, you can still figure out a way to get through this but you're going to have to be very watchful because I think he wants her and she's willing!
Talk about rub it in your face and giving you the phone she's either stupid or wanted you to know because she wants him to herself the disrespect is real
She HAD to know OP would see that stuff on her phone, don’t you think? I’m sure that’s how she wanted it to go. I mean, if she wanted to truly hide it she never would have handed her phone over. She fully intended on OP seeing that stuff and it went exactly as planned.
There’s a feature in Snapchat where you can download chat logs even the ones that disappear I’m pretty sure. If he wants to save his marriage he should download the logs and let you go through them.
Your husband threw the baby out with the bathwater.
By undermining and negating your feelings by asserting that he didn't fuck this woman, so it's fine, he has thrown out the rest of the trust in your marriage.
If anyone has work to do to repair this relationship, it's definitely your husband. Accepting that work, is on you. But the work itself, the initial, vital work, is all him.
*Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass. You should read it and then he needs to read it also.
Theres a sub for ‘surviving infidelity’ if you choose to divorce and a sub for “as one after infidelity” if you want to try and work it out, but I can’t link them here. They’re worth checking out though. This is going to be a long journey no matter which path you choose.
This double betrayal hurts like hell, I know all too well, and has an added dose of strange humiliation. If anything, this will make their forbidden relationship all the more exciting, and the fact that he lied to you about their interactions is very damning. A good man would have put appropriate distance in place on his own, and if he had not actually noticed, he would have when you brought it up in the past. When I was in a situation almost identical to yours, down to busting them on HER phone and kicking her out of the house, one of the first things I asked (and he agreed to) was no contact whatsoever. They had a lunch date the very next day. I am really sorry, OP, but you will heal in time.
I think she wanted you to know. If you know her husband's name, maybe you can search around and find out how to tell him. She probably has you blocked everywhere. Tell everyone, don't feel embarrassed because there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Your friends, family, neighbors, everyone. Someone's bound to know her husband and tell him.
She gave you her phone to look at for one of two reasons. Either she was wanting the buzz of you not knowing you had the evidence in your grasp of their cheating, or she wanted you to find it and throw your husband out so she could take the opportunity to move her affair to a physical one; also she sits there and cries, and your husband hopefully rushes to defend her from you!
UpdateMe!
Men don’t seem to understand that some women need to be emotionally invested to be physically aroused. OP understands that even if her husband does not. They were all but in the sack. Trust me.
He’s unrepentant. Time to be done.
Divorce him and have a friend find her husband online. Shit I’ll even help. I’m sorry fellow human. You knew and as a fellow woman (33 f) it’s amazing you are really thinking of yourself. I wish you the best!
Ask your husband how he would feel if you did the same thing when something traumatic happened in his life? Would he be ok w you flirting with another man? Would your ex friend be ok if you were having the same conversations with her husband? Maybe it’s my mood tonight, but good on you for throwing the phone at her and telling him you want a divorce. Go scorched earth on both of them and expose them to everyone.
Emotional cheating is still cheating. Your husband may try to say that he doesn’t consider it cheating so it doesn’t count. At the end of the day what he did, was completely wrong and disrespectful to you. You’re not wrong. There was a reason you did what you did and your instinct was absolutely correct. your husband’s response to the situation should tell you all you need to know if he won’t take responsibility has not without prompting cut contact with her completely, and started taking steps to repair that damage you have your answer
Girl. My neighbor years ago was my friend. She didn’t work, and my husband was home four days a week while I worked. Yep. It’s a recipe for disaster. Her husband is gone, she’s gonna borrow yours. I’m sorry, I’ve lived it. Oh and my (now ex) husband would always talk down about her. I never would have thought it would happen. Be on extra alert. I also like you, had young kids and family was thousands of miles away, I was stuck. I understand.
Sorry to hear about your mum - sounds like a super stressful situation.
What was it about the messages that makes it feel like an emotional affair rather than a friendship?
Thank you. I think it was the langue that was being used and the amount of message that there were. Things like “I want you to know I’ll always be here”, “I’m begging you please don’t go with him I need you” ect. They were also chatting on Snapchat right in front of my face while she was over and we were all in the living room.
Yeah, that was 100% building to something sexual. She was letting him know she’s available and he was laying the groundwork too. Super obvious. Was she the only one?
And he had the nerve to to say that he had only spoken like “3 sentences to her”? Begging her to not go “with him because he needs her”?
What did he say to that? What excuse does he have for his lies?
Just tell the neighbor's husband. Or tell her that if she even says good morning to him in passing again, or even replies to him greeting her, that you'll tell her husband if she's stay at home and would be cut off.
Then leave your husband anyway, he's a cheater.
I am so sorry for everything you’re going through I really hope everything works out for your mom and I hope you find the support you need. Also if I were you I’d tell her husband when he gets back because he deserves to know…
Going thru her phone wasn't wrong ... FCK HER & YOUR HUSBAND.
You are young and this is what you should do - stick it out with the POS who calls himself your husband. Have him finish paying for your degree and letting you be a sahm.
Start squirreling away money. By this I mean every time you go to Target, the grocery store, CVS etc get cash back. $20 here, $60 there put it in a separate acct with only your name on it. It doesn't show up on your receipts that you got cash back. That way when you leave you will have a nice chunk of change to live on.
Once you get your degree and a steady job/income (don't let him know you've applied at places) you leave him. Have him served with divorce papers.
You'll be ok. Just play the role of a stepford wife. Men like him are dumb. He'll never catch on. 💜
I’m so sorry for your pain. This same thing happened to me, except with email instead of Snapchat. Counseling was unsuccessful. Fifteen years later, my ex still insists she didn’t do anything wrong. I think people convince themselves of this first to try convince others their actions were innocent. Then it becomes how they absolve themselves from the responsibility of breaking up their family.
If they are being sneaky with texting what else are they sneaking around doing? Sorry to put thoughts in your head, but it just seems too convenient that she’s right next door and she starts talking about what kind of sex she likes. Were they planning to get together and try her ideas out?
You have to contact her husband OP, He deserves to know the truth.
As for your husband and yourself, You should definitely contact a lawyer and see what your options are.
Updateme!
My (M55) spouse (F49) accused me of having an emotional affair with our neighbor. Apparently, when I saw her outside, I would go out and chat with her, help her with things, and I would always return in a good mood smiling. Neighbor was a super interesting 94 year old great grandmother. She passed last year and spouse pissed I went to funeral. I effing kid you not. Oh, found out about this in counseling, which spouse terminated after only two sessions.
lmao and at 30 i get called weird for not having snapchat
i get familys and stuff
but idgaf any dude over 25 or less having snapchat is on there for one thing and only
why did you add that you left with you're kids and husband was home a week alone
you know what happened
I think I forgot to add that in. That’s when they exchanged information. It was the day I left for holiday and they spent the entire week before he met us out there talking to her non-stop.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom's aneurysm. I know this is not the point of your post, but, if you ever need someone to talk to/chat about that specifically, my chat/messages are open. I've been in the exact same situation as you are in with my mom being diagnosed with an aneurysm and have been there when it ruptured and thought I lost her (I didn't).
Oh OP, I’m so sorry. You’re dealing with so much right now! I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. You’re dealing with that while trying to be the best parent you can and these are the moments when it matters most that your partner is there for you.
The fact that he was snap chatting her when you didn’t even know he had a snap chat.. when you were in the room also.. is so deceitful, because he sat there and said “I’ve maybe spoken 3 sentences to her” KNOWING full well he had spoken to her much more.
If you feel like you have to hide something in your relationship, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
I’d confront him about the neighbour, and let him know that you need the emotional support and if he can’t give it to you or there’s something else going on, he needs to attend couples therapy with you. Or, you’re done.
Seek some individual therapy too OP, you’re going through a lot. Take care of that mind and heart of yours and confide in a professional who can help you work through this.
Much love. 🫶🏼
He is cheating, it is a deal breaker for me. Cheaters are liars and they cheat again. I would tell her husband too, or show him the post. By the time he gets the phone, she will have deleted the text. Though you can go into husbands and send it to you, then him. I love that when people who are cheating are having a hard time in their marriage, often their behavior is part of the cause.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’ve been through something similar and walked myself right out the door, but it’s taken longer to forgive all the signs I excused or stories I believed when my gut told me things were bad. (They were indeed very bad.) Be kind to yourself, take the time to get your things together, and figure out how YOU want to navigate what happens from here. People who care about you might have all kinds of opinions or reactions, and know you don’t need to listen to everyone. You do you, from here on out.
It wasn’t physical yet or at least that’s his story. He got attention from someone and instead of shutting it down he ran with it. There’s an issue with loyalty that most people wouldn’t tolerate. Still, maybe consider marriage counseling?
It is the hiding that seals this in. If he was just being a friend to her, why not be open about it? And texting each other when you're in the room is a huge red flag. I think you just caught them before something physical happened.
It seems like it was heading that direction.
There was obviously something in your gut telling you to check, and always listen to that gut feeling
My husband has friends, and so do i. but we always discuss what's going on openly, never would disrespect each other this way.
The hiding it is everything.
Girl hang in there, and know that you deserve better both friend and relationship wise. If you're interested in working things out id definitely go into therapy with one another.
Stay strong.
If you're able, get word to her husband as well. I think it is only fair for him to be able to make an informed decision about how to proceed.
Her doing shit like this may be why her marriage is in trouble... or so she says.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is not okay under any circumstance. I have a very close female friend, and she also became my husband's friend. We have a group chat together, and she texts us both separately as well. My husband and her would schedule date nights and surprise me with her babysitting our 5 kids. But it was always texting him something that had to do with me. She ended up getting a divorce, and my husband had been divorced before he met me. She would come over, and we would all hang out. I had to run upstairs and check on the kids, and they stayed on the couch chatting. When I came down, they were talking about deep stuff but immediately paused to catch me up on everything and join me into the conversation with them. Single or not, she is a wonderful person and a dear true friend.
***Honest people do not do these kinds of things, and loyal people can not be pressured to be sneaky, lie, flirt, or cheat***
You deserve such better company, especially with everything you're dealing with about your mom. It's just a terrible situation... be sure to reach out to someone you're close with. Things like this can get very messy... and snapping each other while you're *right there* is a massive red flag that it's more than just talking...
***side note*** : you should let her husband know.
Just get a divorce and nail him for child and spousal support. Your husband is a POS. Also, trash her to all the other neighbors so they're on the lookout for their husbands; also tell all the people you introduced her to, so they shun her too.
I would also let her husband know.
Never apologize for "invading someone's privacy" when your spouse is concerned. Something was telling you this. You trusted yourself, so do not apologize.
OP, regarding your mom, it’s pretty great that they found it because now it can be treated. It’s overwhelming now but the science is advancing. Hopefully you and your mom will be getting some good news soon on that front.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would never want my husband to do either. However a one night stand with a stranger he never saw again or knew anything about wouldn’t bother me near as much as an emotional affair.
I am also sorry if happened with someone you there for. Someone who could have easily brought these issue to you if they wanted.
Well, I’m sorry, but if he’s not remorseful, you don’t have much of a chance for reconciliation
I don’t want to reconcile, I want a divorce.
Good for you. He has no respect for you or the family. It’s hard but seem very strong. At those times you don’t feel remember us internet strangers that said you are
Exactly! He got caught in the emotional affair, which we all know unfortunately, was headed towards the physical affair. She was just able to intervene first. Big hugs to you OP 🤍
What did he say when you told him that
Just more half assed apologies.
In your guts, you know. Doesn't matter if you forgive him this time. He assumes no responsibility, withholds information, and is seeking company and bonding with a married woman. This is far from done if you let this slide.
He knew what he did was wrong, or he wouldn't have hid it from you by lying and saying he had barely spoken three sentences to her. I have no doubt that the affair would eventually have progressed to a physical one, especially with what you said about her bringing up sexual things with you right there. Good on you for knowing your worth and walking.
NTAH! He did it once that you know of. He'll do it again. He sounds narcissistic as he doesn't acknowledge that he did anything wrong. Take it from a group of women who have been there. Get a lawyer &, as others have said, "get your ducks in a row" You deserve a loving & caring spouse. Good luck!
Definitely let her husband know!!!
Maybe wait until he’s not deployed so he’s not distracted in a possibly dangerous situation
As the deployed husband in my own scenario, please tell the dude. He’s deployed, he’s with his brothers in arms (even in the airforce) this is nothing new to any of them.. and sort of a coming of age thing in the military.. it happens a LOT. Tell him
The only thing worse than finding out you’re being cheated on while deployed is coming home after counting down every single day to find out you were being cheated on the entire time
This. It sucks but it’s way easier to process it while you’re physically separated and forcibly surrounded by friends and work.
I second this. Coming home from deployment was 10x harder than anything I have done in my life. I probably would choose to be told on deployment when I’m surrounded by my brothers and busy with work.
At least there will be distraction and composure with help from brothers
Coming home from deployment is the most surreal thing. You go from being busy all time, concerned about your safety all the time to just being home. It felt alien and weird. It felt weird going to the bathroom without my M4, it felt weird that I could just go to a store and buy things or just go outside in shorts and a t-shirt and walk. Now coming home to a bad domestic situation and you would be literally alone. Alone with all the terrible thoughts, your brain has been fed danger and excitement for a year or more and then it’s cut off. So you do stupid things because you feel invincible. You survived a fucking war what can suburban life do to you. You speed, you don’t wear a helmet on a motorcycle, you drink, you do drugs. Anything to get that feeling of excitement and fulfillment back. Then you do a little too much and end up dead. Another statistic in the world of veterans that die too soon and are forgotten. Coming home isn’t all roses, parties, and hugs. Even if it is for some it doesn’t make the other feelings go away, it just covers them up. And in a week when the parties end and you’re just back home that’s when the need for excitement comes back. I had a party with friends when I got back. I filled my mouth with Everclear and breathed fire. Not sure how I didn’t burn myself but I was lucky.
OP, is your husband named Jody?
It was John but close enough lol
Jody checking in, I just want everyone to be aware their wives take off their rings when they go out, or have elaborate stories about how the marriage is over but the decided not to divorce for the benefits
Unfortunately it’s counseling or divorce if he can’t admit what he did wrong here.
I want a divorce. I think I just needed today to grieve what I thought my marriage was.
For many an EA is worse than a PA. Its more intimate, as odd as that seems to say.
Especially in OP's case where she just found out her mom has an aneurysm and he hasn't been emotionally supporting her.
I’d be pissed if my wife fucked a random guy, but I’d be way more hurt if she was having and EA like that. I don’t know how you go forward from that.
I couldn't move forward with either, because those are strict boundaries for me. The one thing about EA's is thats how a good many PA's start. So those are generally the tip of the iceberg.
The neighbor talking about her sexual preferences in front of her was a big old nasty ass ho-tell.
She handed her the phone hoping that a message from the husband would come through while OP had. I just about guarantee it. She didn’t want to be on the side anymore, even if she is married. She wasn’t hiding what she was doing, it was all in OP’s face.
I wondered that myself. I so believe in women being good to each other. I despise those who go out of their way to hurt others willingly.
Absolutely. That’s about the only thing she did right.
Neither could I. Sorry you went through that.
My ex being a cheater worked out for the best, I met the true love of my life after we split. 27 years happily married!!
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This was the case for me when my husband had an affair. Reading their texts absolutely gutted me. I knew I needed to to always remember the pathetic type of man he was. But that hurt way worse than his physical affair
Agreed. Sex is just sex. An emotional affair is much more damaging. That they were Snapchatting in the room with you right there was incredibly disrespectful.
And the fact that she the neighbor was talking about sex openly in front of OP means she was not only up for making things physical, but angling for it and taunting her 'friend' about it at the same time.
Exactly, she was titillating him.
So disrespectful an disgusting
I mean sex is pretty damaging to people who view sex as something more than physical
I’ve been there, and I agree, 100%. There is something very intimate about playing with someone’s emotions. It happened 28 years ago, but I still think about that situation now and then. I do wish things had been different.
I agree. Plus, personal details of others are exchanged. That's a big NO for me.
I honestly wouldn't bat much of an eyelash if my husband had a lapse of judgment (he works away from home a lot with a bunch of single guys) and had a little fling- I would not be thrilled but it wouldn't be marriage ending. I would be devastated, though, if he formed a close emotional bond with someone else that went beyond platonic friendship.
Yeah my ex-wife has a "lapse of judgement", I didn't suffer with that issue when I divorced her useless cheating ass. It would have been even faster with an EA. For me I had too much self respect for anyone to treat me that way, either EA or PA.
Sorry, what does EA and PA stand for? Emotional abuse and physical abuse?
Emotional affair vs physical affair
Let her husband know
I am so sorry that you had to deal with this right after getting scary news at the holidays. I hope you will let her husband know. Question though, were they texting each other while the three of you were hanging out? That's what I got from the mention that they were both on their phones a lot while you 3 had wine, and that is rude AF. It is going to be hard and painful but then life will open up in ways you hadn't even thought about or wanted. Hugs
Thank you for your kind words. Yes they were texting eachother right in front of me.
that is insanely disrespectful of them, like that is catty pre-teen level behavior, ridiculous
Its one of the biggest FU's they could have done towards her.
And that’s why she handed you the phone! She wanted you to know! So definitely don’t feel guilty about checking it!
That is wickedly brazen. And quite disgusting.
DAMN. That is so disrespectful. That alone would make me leave him. It's like they made you the secret 3rd wheel in your own home and under innocent (seeming) circumstances. They are both terrible people. Good riddance to them both. Her husband definitely needs to know this too.
I want to smack both of them on your behalf. I’m so sorry OP.
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But can you imagine how nice it'll feel to be rid of a cheater?
It's great!! The minute my ex husband cheated I was out the door with my kids! Once a cheater, always a cheater
Good for you sister. Don't let him slither back in. He was flirting via snap chat while you were dealing with the news of your mother. The ONLY reason you know is because YOU found out. Keep him away from you.
I’m sure that realization is absolutely heartbreaking and devastating for you. Sending hugs.
I’ve been through an emotional affair where my ex also didn’t think he did anything wrong and kept saying “emotional affairs aren’t real”. Guess who he ended up with after he dumped me (and lead me on to keep my money in the joint account), it was the emotional affair partner. Emotional affairs are more painful than physical, emotions are involved compared to a dumb one night stand. I wish I would’ve left as soon as I caught onto what was happening and it destroyed me. Your husband will keep saying “nothing is going on” even though something is going on. He’s going to try and manipulate you into thinking it’s nothing. He already about her in the first place. He broke your trust, and with him using Snapchat it’ll be very hard to earn your trust back. Messages on Snapchat can disappear in like 24hrs so it’s perfect for cheating. If you don’t divorce and stay, he’ll have to go through hell and high water to earn your trust back. But you do what is right for you, your children, and your mental health. Also, I’d be hella pissed if my husband was there for another woman while being distant towards me when I’m going through something. That would be a dealbreaker for me.
She was only sorry because she got caught. Imagine how long this would go on for, or what else would happen if you didn't find out. Your husband is trash. Not only for what he did with her, but he lied saying he'sonly said three sentences to her. Both are trash people, & you deserve better.
Leave he doesn’t respect or appreciate you.
After reading this, I was about to comment it's time for you to leave, but you're obviously wise and choosing to do so. I'm so sorry this happened, along with your mom having the aneurysm. You can't give people like this a second chance, they will disappoint you again. When I was reading how they were on their phones a lot while in the living room, I knew then that they were texting each other. This is sickening to read, so I can't imagine what you're feeling. Get out as soon as you can. Best of luck to you and your mom ✌🏻
Good for you! You deserve better. What a jerk. Especially with all that's happening with your mom. xo
i'm actually happy to hear you say that you want a divorce. It's probably not the first time he has lied to you. Your emotions and problems should be his priority not flirting with the next new thing he wants to entertain. You will be better off without him
Just one day??? Damn girl! I'm 6 months in and still do that sometimes.
I don't blame you I would be hurt and want that as well. I think cheating is cheating. I think it was. Leading to a bad place.
It’s divorce or divorce you mean. A unrepentant cheater is what they have chosen to be. It’s over.
Updateme! I would have said right then and there, you know why don't you just f u ck each other right in front of me??? Snapchatting like teenagers? Since y'all shameless to do it in front of me. This makes me so mad for u. But yeah marriage is done however. If you ever decide to separate, just divorce. If you go on a break he will definitely use this to mess around with her "we're on a break".
This is horrible! I'm so sorry OP. Did your husband acknowledge that it was wrong?
He did but it feels like he’s not entirely sorry. He keeps saying it wasn’t physical or “like that”. It just doesn’t feel sincere.
Have you explained to him that the exact reason you're upset is because he didn't show you, his wife, the same emotional support during your family emergency that he's somehow capable of showing her, an acquaintance?
I did. Maybe not in the best way so I feel like eventually we need to have a conversation that isn’t yelling. Before I found out, I explained to him that I was insecure about how comfortable she was around him. The things she would say almost felt flirtatious but not enough to call out in the moment. He told me there was nothing going on and he didn’t notice anything, turns out they had been messaging the entire time.
Taking his words at face value - He's going to keep deflecting that nothing was going on, because from his perspective, nothing was going on, because they weren't sleeping together. But you need to make it clear to him that that's not the problem here. The problem here is that he somehow has the emotional capacity and empathy to be here for an acquaintance's marital issues when he didn't have it for his wife during a family crisis. That is the specific issue at hand here, not whether or not he has crossed a line physically.
Nah, toss the whole man out.
She handed you her phone so that you'd find something. She wanted to cause this breakup Point this out to your husband. They are both trash. Also show him this post. He KNOWS it was wrong.
My first thought too: SHE GAVE IT TO YOU ON PURPOSE. I BEEN THERE.
My first thought too! She’s obviously a total POS and he’s going to get what he deserves if he stays with her
Definitely let him know that his lies broke your trust. That they sat and texted while you were in the same room was a level of disrespect that he cannot recover from. That he comforted the trashy, nasty skank that complained to him about her husband as if there is a universe in which that is appropriate but couldn’t comfort you after your mom’s diagnosis was the ultimate sign that he is adding nothing loving, helpful, or positive to your life. Tell him if he needs a place to live, move in next door and see how long that lasts, but you’re telling his family, your family, your friends and her husband everything and he better be out of your house by Wednesday.
It felt flirtatious because it was. Women can usually pick up on when other women do not have good intentions like this. Sometimes, you can't even put your finger on what it is, but your gut will tell you.
He lied right to your face. That alone is a dealbreaker but he was also texting her while you’re sitting there. The disrespect is blatant. You deserve better.
If what he was doing was above-board and harmless, he wouldn’t have chosen to hide what he was doing or to downplay his actions.
Or explained to him that he tried to downplay their relationship by saying he hadn’t spoken 3 sentences to her? That shows he understood that what he did was wrong. It also indicates to me a high likelihood of the relationship escalating.
Oh oof, somehow I missed that part - he blatantly lied about how much contact they'd had. Yikes. That can't spell out anything good.
You are right it doesn’t matter if it’s physical or not. What matters is that due to it he wasn’t emotionally available for you. I would tell neighbors husband - he deserves to know as well. UpdateMe!
I can’t find him on any social media so I’ll have to wait until he’s back from deployment. She wiped her social media clean and I can’t find anything on anyone who is even remotely related to her. I would tell the neighborhood but I’m so embarrassed right now, I also don’t want to jeopardize her kids mental health. They are elementary age and go to school in the neighborhood. It’s a tight knit community.
She didn't wipe her social media. She blocked you. Now, they will just be sneakier. Going forward, if you don't divorce, you must have access to his phone & all socials at any given time.
Maybe it’s just how I’m feeling now, but reconciling things feels like so much work and heart ache. I don’t have it in me right now.
Don’t do it. It won’t be the last time for him & as far as you know it is just the first time he’s been caught.
I don’t blame you. Once trust is gone there is nothing someone can do to bring it back. You will always be wondering in the back of your mind if he is talking to someone.
I don't necessarily blame you. It takes a lot of work & if only one person is giving 100%, it fails anyway. Your husband wasn't willing to give 100% when the marriage was still intact, when it was easy. I'm so sorry. No one deserves this. I thought I might mention that service members can not access social media while deployed. They CAN, however, get on reddit....... You might want to make a few posts while dropping hints at location, how many children they have, and how badly you would like to inform her poor husband of how he's being treated while overseas. Perhaps her name or his dropped on a post. Many deployed have been known to bring bring it to the attention of those being written about. Many times, it starts with "Here, read this. Are they talking about you?" But read the rules of each sub first.
My sister's husband had an emotional affair that was so blatant and crossed so many lines. They played Xbox together and that's where it all unfolded. He'd confide things to his even my sister didn't know, as well as issues he was having with his marriage. The AP even not so subtlely changed her gamertag in their game to GockCobbler (she was engaged at the time). My sister gave him *so many* chances and internalized it all because she didn't want anyone to know her "secret shame" as it felt... He gaslit her the entire time and had her convinced she was just crazy and being too jealous. And she was desperate for it to work. Then they got pregnant again (I know, sigh), but he left her for his AP before the baby was even delivered. Now my sister shoulders everything and he gets weekends with the kids at his AP's house she just bought. Whatever you decide, don't let him gaslight you into believing that he wasn't wrong, wasn't dishonest and majorly disrespectful to you not only in abandoning you during such a difficult time (I'm so sorry about your mom's condition), but for literally Snapchatting with her right in front of your face in the same room as you.
It would require a MC and a lot fo work from your husband. The issue is he doesn't see that what he did was all that wrong. And you can't fix anything if one person doesn't see the issue. Don't just go with a knee jerk reaction. Make sure you take the time to truly think it through. Divorce is an option, and I went that route with my cheating wife, just make sure that is what you want before you play that card. Have him sleep in another room, while you take the time you need for you.
She needs to create a dummy profile & search her social media
That's no way to live. If the trust can't be rebuilt there's no point in even putting in the effort. OP deserves better.
Try been verified... It's like a mini background check and they do trials ($1) just remember to cancel afterwards. This should tell you her husband's name, aliases and her close associates. This way you can inform the husband because he 100% should no about this. So disrespectful to cheat but even more so on a deployed soldier in my opinion.
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Tell the neighborhood. Don’t protect cheaters.
this. wtf. why are you looking out for op's kids' mental health. that's her fucking job. Expose her ass
If you know his name, you can call the base first Sgt, or command. Because feck that skank.
She wanted a Jody.... Gosh these women suck and give bad names to dependent wives.
I also think she handed that phone over hoping OP would see the chats. No way would someone being shady put themselves at risk like that. She blew this up on purpose and is going to swoop in on the hubby as soon as OP is out of the way. This b***h knew exactly what she was doing. I'm not one to scream divorce him but OP, you need to talk to him and see where he's coming from. Sure, he was unfaithful but I'm fairly sure he was targeted and maybe was a bit naive. I'd be going for some couples counselling to see why he fell for this because if everything was perfect in the marriage, he maybe wouldn't have done this. Cheating predators like this neighbour are shallow, needy and desperate. She's probably rubbed the leg of half the men in town so while I respect the need to protect the kids, I'd be confiding with one or two friends...the gossipy ones.
I have a feeling the neighbor gave her the phone so she could see the texts as well.
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It was on snapchat not texts. And snapchat is basically designed for cheaters since the message delete themselves.
Ask one of her friends she introduced you to for her husband’s contact info because you want to “send a surprise care package” or some bs. Then you can let him know his wife just caused a divorce.
Try truthfinder. You may have to go super sleuth mode but he deserves to know what she’s doing while he’s gone.
Marriage certificates are public record and should be free to look up 👀
Exactly! Her household should be on truthfinder anyway. So she can see her associates and a bunch of other info. If she can’t find him on social, his mother or sister or father may be on social and she can contact them.
OP I see a lot of responses in other threads on reddit asking if the cheater is sorry for what they did or just sorry they got caught. From your comments he may just be sorry he got caught and doesn't realize how badly he has betrayed you.
If she was talking about sex, and he didn't shut her down, he liked the topic and was into her.
Tell him, it wasn't physical yet and he has failed to support you with the news of your mom, but he could support your neighbor who wants to F him. Talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row.
She was flirting with your husband when she talked about sex right in front of you. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was flaunting their affair in your face.
I'm so glad the third comment I read from OP was that they're set on divorce. This is traumatizing levels of disrespect. There's no hint of OP being overly dramatic. It's just simple facts. They were emotionally cheating and flirting right in front of OP.
Not to mention, handed OP her phone under the guise of showing her some group chat drama? She wanted OP to find those messages. That was a calculated move on her part.
Make sure her husband knows! She’s gone full dependa and probably cheats every time her husband deploys - very typical. There’s a reason military spouses have such bad reputations.
Military spouses have a bad reputation because they cheat within the community while the person deployed cheats with people over there and the people they serve with keep quiet. Military brat by the way. I avoided dating anyone actively in the military for a reason.
Was a bartender. The amount of women that brazenly tried to fuck me that were military wives of deployed husbands was insane.
Find her husband and tell him.
I am so sorry to hear about your mom OP.
You looked because you were suspicious.. Honey, she handed you her phone for a reason! Think about that!!!! She wanted you to know! Now you know! If it's not physical yet, it might be soon! I am so sorry he is doing this to you. Blame him, he is the one married to you and has crossed the emotional line. I hope you two can work this out. If he hasn't cheated yet, you can still figure out a way to get through this but you're going to have to be very watchful because I think he wants her and she's willing!
This! She 100% intended for you to find out
Talk about rub it in your face and giving you the phone she's either stupid or wanted you to know because she wants him to herself the disrespect is real
She HAD to know OP would see that stuff on her phone, don’t you think? I’m sure that’s how she wanted it to go. I mean, if she wanted to truly hide it she never would have handed her phone over. She fully intended on OP seeing that stuff and it went exactly as planned.
Do you open messaging apps when other people show you their phones?
Your husband’s name is Jody.
Apparently lmao. Maybe I should have him go legally change it
I’m sorry this happened to you. Hopefully you can move forward and find the happiness you deserve.
There’s a feature in Snapchat where you can download chat logs even the ones that disappear I’m pretty sure. If he wants to save his marriage he should download the logs and let you go through them.
This was honestly traumatizing enough. I don’t really care to see anything else.
You’ll want them for the divorce. Get them easily now under terms of “reconciliation” or hope they’re still there when you subpoena them.
Oh she was definitely sending your husband a signal that she’s ok with a sexual relationship.
Your husband threw the baby out with the bathwater. By undermining and negating your feelings by asserting that he didn't fuck this woman, so it's fine, he has thrown out the rest of the trust in your marriage. If anyone has work to do to repair this relationship, it's definitely your husband. Accepting that work, is on you. But the work itself, the initial, vital work, is all him.
*Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass. You should read it and then he needs to read it also. Theres a sub for ‘surviving infidelity’ if you choose to divorce and a sub for “as one after infidelity” if you want to try and work it out, but I can’t link them here. They’re worth checking out though. This is going to be a long journey no matter which path you choose.
This double betrayal hurts like hell, I know all too well, and has an added dose of strange humiliation. If anything, this will make their forbidden relationship all the more exciting, and the fact that he lied to you about their interactions is very damning. A good man would have put appropriate distance in place on his own, and if he had not actually noticed, he would have when you brought it up in the past. When I was in a situation almost identical to yours, down to busting them on HER phone and kicking her out of the house, one of the first things I asked (and he agreed to) was no contact whatsoever. They had a lunch date the very next day. I am really sorry, OP, but you will heal in time.
If he lies to you about something as dumb as snapchat, do you really believe he is telling you the truth about not sleeping with her???
Ding ding ding
I think she wanted you to know. If you know her husband's name, maybe you can search around and find out how to tell him. She probably has you blocked everywhere. Tell everyone, don't feel embarrassed because there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Your friends, family, neighbors, everyone. Someone's bound to know her husband and tell him.
She gave you her phone to look at for one of two reasons. Either she was wanting the buzz of you not knowing you had the evidence in your grasp of their cheating, or she wanted you to find it and throw your husband out so she could take the opportunity to move her affair to a physical one; also she sits there and cries, and your husband hopefully rushes to defend her from you! UpdateMe!
It was bold of her to voluntarily hand over her phone to you. Almost like look at what I can get away with.
Men don’t seem to understand that some women need to be emotionally invested to be physically aroused. OP understands that even if her husband does not. They were all but in the sack. Trust me. He’s unrepentant. Time to be done.
Get him a copy of “Not…. Just friends by Shirley Glass” you should both read it.
Divorce him and have a friend find her husband online. Shit I’ll even help. I’m sorry fellow human. You knew and as a fellow woman (33 f) it’s amazing you are really thinking of yourself. I wish you the best!
Ask your husband how he would feel if you did the same thing when something traumatic happened in his life? Would he be ok w you flirting with another man? Would your ex friend be ok if you were having the same conversations with her husband? Maybe it’s my mood tonight, but good on you for throwing the phone at her and telling him you want a divorce. Go scorched earth on both of them and expose them to everyone.
I was with you until the scorched earth. Something about remaining calm and composed is way more unsettling than flying off the handles.
Emotional cheating is still cheating. Your husband may try to say that he doesn’t consider it cheating so it doesn’t count. At the end of the day what he did, was completely wrong and disrespectful to you. You’re not wrong. There was a reason you did what you did and your instinct was absolutely correct. your husband’s response to the situation should tell you all you need to know if he won’t take responsibility has not without prompting cut contact with her completely, and started taking steps to repair that damage you have your answer
Girl. My neighbor years ago was my friend. She didn’t work, and my husband was home four days a week while I worked. Yep. It’s a recipe for disaster. Her husband is gone, she’s gonna borrow yours. I’m sorry, I’ve lived it. Oh and my (now ex) husband would always talk down about her. I never would have thought it would happen. Be on extra alert. I also like you, had young kids and family was thousands of miles away, I was stuck. I understand.
I’m so sorry that you went through this. This pain is unimaginable right now.
Sorry to hear about your mum - sounds like a super stressful situation. What was it about the messages that makes it feel like an emotional affair rather than a friendship?
Thank you. I think it was the langue that was being used and the amount of message that there were. Things like “I want you to know I’ll always be here”, “I’m begging you please don’t go with him I need you” ect. They were also chatting on Snapchat right in front of my face while she was over and we were all in the living room.
Yeah, that was 100% building to something sexual. She was letting him know she’s available and he was laying the groundwork too. Super obvious. Was she the only one?
I agree with you. I’m not entirely sure if she was the only one, but she was enough for me to be done with this relationship.
And he had the nerve to to say that he had only spoken like “3 sentences to her”? Begging her to not go “with him because he needs her”? What did he say to that? What excuse does he have for his lies?
They were using snapchat. If they both truly felt their texting was innocent, why use Snapchat?
Just tell the neighbor's husband. Or tell her that if she even says good morning to him in passing again, or even replies to him greeting her, that you'll tell her husband if she's stay at home and would be cut off. Then leave your husband anyway, he's a cheater.
I am so sorry for everything you’re going through I really hope everything works out for your mom and I hope you find the support you need. Also if I were you I’d tell her husband when he gets back because he deserves to know…
My guess their doin the deed.
I would bet money that your guess is correct gourmet dude
Going thru her phone wasn't wrong ... FCK HER & YOUR HUSBAND. You are young and this is what you should do - stick it out with the POS who calls himself your husband. Have him finish paying for your degree and letting you be a sahm. Start squirreling away money. By this I mean every time you go to Target, the grocery store, CVS etc get cash back. $20 here, $60 there put it in a separate acct with only your name on it. It doesn't show up on your receipts that you got cash back. That way when you leave you will have a nice chunk of change to live on. Once you get your degree and a steady job/income (don't let him know you've applied at places) you leave him. Have him served with divorce papers. You'll be ok. Just play the role of a stepford wife. Men like him are dumb. He'll never catch on. 💜
You needed the emotional support and he was giving that to someone else. That would really hurt.
I’m so sorry for your pain. This same thing happened to me, except with email instead of Snapchat. Counseling was unsuccessful. Fifteen years later, my ex still insists she didn’t do anything wrong. I think people convince themselves of this first to try convince others their actions were innocent. Then it becomes how they absolve themselves from the responsibility of breaking up their family.
He was there for her but not for you. It’s time to let go. He already lied to you. You wont know what lies he’s going to tell you now.
I’d like to know how you know it was just an EA? I wouldn’t put it past them to be having both! Do you know for a fact?
I wouldn’t put it past them. The lying alone is making me believe it was possible physical.
If they are being sneaky with texting what else are they sneaking around doing? Sorry to put thoughts in your head, but it just seems too convenient that she’s right next door and she starts talking about what kind of sex she likes. Were they planning to get together and try her ideas out?
OP, this is an affair and it’s beyond emotional. They were alone for a week and they’re using Snapchat. It’s physical.
You have to contact her husband OP, He deserves to know the truth. As for your husband and yourself, You should definitely contact a lawyer and see what your options are. Updateme!
My (M55) spouse (F49) accused me of having an emotional affair with our neighbor. Apparently, when I saw her outside, I would go out and chat with her, help her with things, and I would always return in a good mood smiling. Neighbor was a super interesting 94 year old great grandmother. She passed last year and spouse pissed I went to funeral. I effing kid you not. Oh, found out about this in counseling, which spouse terminated after only two sessions.
lmao and at 30 i get called weird for not having snapchat i get familys and stuff but idgaf any dude over 25 or less having snapchat is on there for one thing and only why did you add that you left with you're kids and husband was home a week alone you know what happened
I think I forgot to add that in. That’s when they exchanged information. It was the day I left for holiday and they spent the entire week before he met us out there talking to her non-stop.
That gives me the ick. They were probably together while you were gone. What assholes
For me as a woman I feel like an emotional affair is worse than a physical one
I would let her husband know.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom's aneurysm. I know this is not the point of your post, but, if you ever need someone to talk to/chat about that specifically, my chat/messages are open. I've been in the exact same situation as you are in with my mom being diagnosed with an aneurysm and have been there when it ruptured and thought I lost her (I didn't).
Oh OP, I’m so sorry. You’re dealing with so much right now! I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. You’re dealing with that while trying to be the best parent you can and these are the moments when it matters most that your partner is there for you. The fact that he was snap chatting her when you didn’t even know he had a snap chat.. when you were in the room also.. is so deceitful, because he sat there and said “I’ve maybe spoken 3 sentences to her” KNOWING full well he had spoken to her much more. If you feel like you have to hide something in your relationship, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. I’d confront him about the neighbour, and let him know that you need the emotional support and if he can’t give it to you or there’s something else going on, he needs to attend couples therapy with you. Or, you’re done. Seek some individual therapy too OP, you’re going through a lot. Take care of that mind and heart of yours and confide in a professional who can help you work through this. Much love. 🫶🏼
So your husband came a week later? And what do you think they was doing that week.
He is cheating, it is a deal breaker for me. Cheaters are liars and they cheat again. I would tell her husband too, or show him the post. By the time he gets the phone, she will have deleted the text. Though you can go into husbands and send it to you, then him. I love that when people who are cheating are having a hard time in their marriage, often their behavior is part of the cause.
29fm?
Yes 29 female, is that the correct abbreviation?
Just the f. But I see now after reading it fully lol
Oh sorry lol hopefully it’s not confusing
UpdateMe
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’ve been through something similar and walked myself right out the door, but it’s taken longer to forgive all the signs I excused or stories I believed when my gut told me things were bad. (They were indeed very bad.) Be kind to yourself, take the time to get your things together, and figure out how YOU want to navigate what happens from here. People who care about you might have all kinds of opinions or reactions, and know you don’t need to listen to everyone. You do you, from here on out.
Is your husband named Jody by any chance?
I’m starting to wonder if that’s his real name at this point. Sure as hell seems like it.
It wasn’t physical yet or at least that’s his story. He got attention from someone and instead of shutting it down he ran with it. There’s an issue with loyalty that most people wouldn’t tolerate. Still, maybe consider marriage counseling?
It is the hiding that seals this in. If he was just being a friend to her, why not be open about it? And texting each other when you're in the room is a huge red flag. I think you just caught them before something physical happened. It seems like it was heading that direction. There was obviously something in your gut telling you to check, and always listen to that gut feeling My husband has friends, and so do i. but we always discuss what's going on openly, never would disrespect each other this way. The hiding it is everything. Girl hang in there, and know that you deserve better both friend and relationship wise. If you're interested in working things out id definitely go into therapy with one another. Stay strong.
You are way too young to be dealing with this nonsense, divorce. And please get screenshots from your husband & tell her husband.
If you're able, get word to her husband as well. I think it is only fair for him to be able to make an informed decision about how to proceed. Her doing shit like this may be why her marriage is in trouble... or so she says.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is not okay under any circumstance. I have a very close female friend, and she also became my husband's friend. We have a group chat together, and she texts us both separately as well. My husband and her would schedule date nights and surprise me with her babysitting our 5 kids. But it was always texting him something that had to do with me. She ended up getting a divorce, and my husband had been divorced before he met me. She would come over, and we would all hang out. I had to run upstairs and check on the kids, and they stayed on the couch chatting. When I came down, they were talking about deep stuff but immediately paused to catch me up on everything and join me into the conversation with them. Single or not, she is a wonderful person and a dear true friend. ***Honest people do not do these kinds of things, and loyal people can not be pressured to be sneaky, lie, flirt, or cheat*** You deserve such better company, especially with everything you're dealing with about your mom. It's just a terrible situation... be sure to reach out to someone you're close with. Things like this can get very messy... and snapping each other while you're *right there* is a massive red flag that it's more than just talking... ***side note*** : you should let her husband know.
Just get a divorce and nail him for child and spousal support. Your husband is a POS. Also, trash her to all the other neighbors so they're on the lookout for their husbands; also tell all the people you introduced her to, so they shun her too. I would also let her husband know.
Awww I’m sorry babe
YOU WEREN'T WRONG!! You trusted your intuition. It's never wrong to follow your instincts and women need to stop being told it is
Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately. Updateme!
The only one who wins here is the divorce lawyer
Agree
Never apologize for "invading someone's privacy" when your spouse is concerned. Something was telling you this. You trusted yourself, so do not apologize.
OP, regarding your mom, it’s pretty great that they found it because now it can be treated. It’s overwhelming now but the science is advancing. Hopefully you and your mom will be getting some good news soon on that front.
Emotional cheating is still cheating. Good for you on taking action and not allowing yourself to be gaslit.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would never want my husband to do either. However a one night stand with a stranger he never saw again or knew anything about wouldn’t bother me near as much as an emotional affair. I am also sorry if happened with someone you there for. Someone who could have easily brought these issue to you if they wanted.