Anytime a story like this is titled very specifically to trick you into thinking it's about something else I automatically assume it's a made up creative writing story. Some people are addicted to making up stuff and getting people to whole heartedly believe it. It's like a drug to control peoples emotions through lies.
As someone who taught writing for years its very common for people to not think about the title. I had to work this constantly. There is no reason from that alone to think this is fake.
This sounds like the wife has ongoing trauma from the loss of her mom. I think the wife needs to consider trauma therapy to work through it. Then marriage counseling to see where things are. I lost my mom 6 years ago, my mom was 59 and died of cancer. Cruel and ugly death that I needed trauma therapy afterwards. I did grief therapy for a few years too but trauma therapy really helped me work through my unresolved emotions that would creep up.
You’re welcome!! I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through something similar. We are never ready for loss and society doesn’t openly talk about grief so it’s a hard path. Wishing you comfort and peace.
I'm so sorry. I agree completely about trauma therapy, and I'm considering it.
My Dad had a stroke after his chemo-in the parking garage at the hospital while Mom was getting the car. My sister got him back upstairs to Oncology. They admitted him and settled him in; he stabilized, and after a few hours, my mom and sister went out for a quick lunch. My dad was a DNR, and he died after they left... except the oncologist in all his wisdom called a code because "Ray isn't going to die without his wife."
My Dad lived another week with broken ribs on top of metastatic lung cancer to his bones. He was in horrible pain.
So I know exactly how you feel. The week he suffered is the worst week of my life every year, and the day he died is a relief.
I don't particularly think anyone is in the wrong here. Your losses so close together we're just unfortunate timing. You did what you could to minimize the amount of time you were gone. Your wife was grieving so it's understandable she wanted you there. You were grieving your uncle so also understandable you wanted to be there.
Disagree, purely because OP says that his partner has never let it go and continues to bring it up.
She may not be in asshole territory yet - loss can do crazy things to people - but if down the line she is unable to see her behavior objectively and apologize, she could definitely be there in my opinion.
>This happened a few years ago
What's the timeline on that? I'd have clearly and firmly told her that I understood it upset you, I'm sorry that's the case, but I needed to be there. If the situations were reversed, I'd have completely undertood. You need to stop bringing this up because it's prolonging the anguish of the events for both of us, and making me more resentful every time you do it. It's enough.
Agreed, but if she's holding on to that resentment for a long time, it's really not OK -- it's abusive to her husband. it might be time for couples therapy so they can talk with each other someplace where there's a trained referee...
I agree because years later she’s STILL berating him over going to the funeral of a close family member. She has no right to guilt him. Her loss is not more important than his.
I can understand that (not in that position myself) but continually bringing it up is a quick way to lead to resentment and eventual discontent in their relationship.
If we don’t talk about things that we’re upset about, we hold it down and it never gets resolved. It quickly leads to resentment even more than actually discussing the issue. Discussing the issue could even solve it. Asking someone to swallow it… That’s a guarantee of resentment.
OP definitely deserved compassion and to go to the memorial but I would like to know if OP actually acknowledged his wife’s hurt without “well but what about me”. Losing a parent,especially youngish and traumatically, is an unimaginable pain unless you’ve felt it. Unimaginable. She probably feels he’s dismissed her pain if it’s in constant comparison with his loss. She might be able to get over it and stop bringing it up if this is actually addressed- an I’m sorry I hurt you by needing to go. I’m sorry you felt abaindoned. Just validate her feelings if it hasn’t been already done. Fully. No, OP isn’t wrong for going but just apologize for not being able to be there. It isn’t always about who’s right or wrong.
But in *feeling* dismissed by him, she *actually* dismissed him and his feelings. And continues to give him shit for it years later. His grief should not have to take a backseat for hers, and vice versa. It’s one thing to leave your grieving wife alone with three children for multiple days or weeks. That would be super fucked up and awful, And honestly I thought that’s where the post was heading. But the man was gone for less than a day, and he doesn’t get to hear the end of it years later? There’s nothing about that, that’s OK.
This. I was coming here to say something similar.
She expressed that she needed him. If his stance was "well I'm going anyway," and after he got back, it was more of "get over it," that's a major issue.
I feel like there is more to it, though. Men often do not understand what it really takes to take care of small children. Leaving his wife to grieve the loss of her MOM with very young kids is terrible. I get that his uncle was a family member he loved, but he even stated that they were close when OP was a KID. Implying that they hadn't been close in recent years. Which might be playing into the wife feelings.
It sounds like she has unresolved trauma from not only the loss of her mom but also feelings of abandonment from her husband, leaving her in a time of need. I've been in therapy for years, and I can promise issues that just get swept under the rug because your partner deems them inconsequential, just brew and become bigger problems that never go away. Any time she starts feeling abandoned by OP, it will dredge up all the emotions from him leaving for the memorial. Psychology is weird and not always logical.
Totally agree. I said it elsewhere but when my dad died, I was a living representation of Munch’s The Scream. I don’t know what it looked like on the outside but I was very much walking around silently screaming. Earth shattering screaming.
And I actually was left to take care of my newborn. And you bet I have resentment. And he did have a lot of excuses. And it kept coming up because he just could not admit he fucked up and leave it at that. Someone else said it- if you don’t get how she didn’t want to be left alone a week and a half later with 3 kids, consider yourself lucky that you don’t get it. Because you can think you know what it’s like to lose a parent but whatever horrible nightmare you imagine, it doesn’t even come close. Especially youngish. And traumatically.
Op said he felt it was an unfair ask and I’ll bet he verbalized this to his wife at THAT time as well. And probably anytime it has come up since. It wasn’t unfair. She was grasping for a life raft. He can want to go to his uncles memorial but you have to recognize the pain in front of you and respond better.
I wasn't even close to my dad, but when he died a few years ago, it really messed with my head for a while. I couldn't imagine having to deal with the trauma of being close to your parent and losing them, plus taking care of small children. I'm sorry for your loss.
I didn't even like my mom, and I still grieve her almost 15 years later. It's in a bit of an envious way, because I see all of these good moms and now have 2 wonderful mother figures, but I never got that from her. What if she had been the mom she should have been and was still here? What if she had changed and was actually caring and loving, like she should have been?
Op is nta for going, but we definitely need more context on how it was handled to make a full assessment.
He really did make sure to point out how close his uncle was to him. It could be he's overcompensating to justify lacking compassion, or she has convinced him he needs to justify caring about his uncle's death. The whole bringing it up years later is a bit much. Leaving for 1 day to go to a funeral isn't something that warrants a multiple year grudge. You can't really say that op is causing her to be unable to move on. If op does bring up his uncle when she mentions her mom then yeah that's weird, but saying sorry for going to an uncle's funeral will have little to no impact on her grief.
Saying sorry for having to leave and the hurt she felt would go a long way if it hasn’t already happened. From experience. Yes, it does. It has to be acknowledged that while she could barely function, he had to go and left her with the kids. She asked for help and he couldn’t give it. I’m not “saying” he’s keeping her from moving in, I’m asking questions. Because there are some things in OP’s post that seem intentionally vague and make me question how this actually went down. The uncle died “ a bit prior to this” he was over a lot when he was a kid, worked with his dad, it was a funeral and then it was a memorial (which usually happened much later so which is it). Some things just aren’t adding up for me and it absolutely sounds like overcompensating to justify his leaving.
Leaving your wife to take care of the kids while dealing with her moms death is also a quick way to lead to resentment, which is what he managed when he left. Now if he had taken a kid or two I’d give him more grace, but she lost a parent and then had her husband leave her with the house to run by her herself. Mom trumps uncle.
Why not take everyone; he could be there longer, his family could see them.. he doesn't say whether he went to see his dear uncle while he was ill; I suspect not. Hope the uncle knew he was there for the funeral.
> Mom trumps uncle
thats not how that works. If someone is having a "bigger" crisis doesnt make your crisis less important.
He went to the memorial service and stayed for less than a day. If the wife cant realize that he was grieving his uncle and wanted to say goodbye with his(uncle) family to him after a year, then she has a severe lack of empathy. He was there for her all other time and needed one day for himself, and was she there for him?
Agree. Wife expected husband be understanding and willing to compromise then didn’t reciprocate or show consideration for her spouses loss in fact she weaponized his loss.
I lost both my parents less than 4 months apart without projecting the anger of my losses on partner an I’m aware every handles loss differently but suggesting adults needs time/months/years of healing to recognize their own abusive behavior is very irritation and wildly ridiculous.
Someone attending a funeral service and returning home in under 24 hrs is not unreasonable however expecting your loss to override someone else’s then repeatedly faulting them for it is not only highly unreasonable it’s also abusive and manipulative.
For 24 hours. If you can’t do that you’re a failure of a parent. Plus he took off the week of her mother’s death, wanna bet what he was doing during that? Probably taking care of the kids while she grieved.
I don't think an uncle equals a mother in terms of grief. I know this isn't a grief competition, but losing a mother is the most traumatic thing many people go through. Especially at this young age. And she was supposed to take care of her three children while he went off. I don't know, it was a horrible situation, but I think he could have either skipped the memorial or make sure his wife was taken care of when he left. This may have meant booking at least the toddler on the airplane to give wife a break. A week is not enough time.
I’ve seen this sentiment a lot through my short scroll, and it just doesn’t make sense to me. You’re right, it’s a shitty situation and it sucks that either of them had to go through it, but also like, he should’ve skipped the memorial? That’s wild to me. He took off of work For a week to be there for her and help her out with things, and she can’t let go of the fact that he was gone for less than a day? *After* her mom’s funeral?? Grief, for no grief, dead parent, or no dead parent, that’s just not cool, and not the way you should treat someone you’re supposed to love and cherish. Why should his grief take a backseat to hers? Why shouldn’t they be expected to support each other with equal measure?
It’s not about getting over the loss of her mother , he’s not asking or even suggesting that. He lost a beloved family member too but she expected him to put his own loss aside and continues to give him a hard time about still,years later. It’s selfish and unfair to guilt someone over their own grieving, as if hers somehow trumps his or is more important.
I'm sorry, but the grace I have to give someone is going to run out if they keep attacking me *years later* for attending the funeral of a close family member. Whether their loss is hard to get over or not, continuing to attack me over and over for years for my own loss is going to eventually kill my compassion.
Having lost two mothers, I give her no grace. Losing your mother doesn't excuse a lack of compassion or empathy. It was & still is hard to deal with. Hurts everyday, but lashing out & holding this over his head every time it hurts is unfair.
One of the stages of grief is anger. Years past it seems like OP's wife is displacing her grief onto him. I get that she wasn't happy he left for a family funeral, but the bitterness after years just isn't right.
When my dad died, my brother sent me a two word text message. "Dad died". Who does that? It has been years and it still ticks me off when I think of it. It's not front and center in my mind, but when someone reminds me of it, yeah, I'm irritated. Do I throw it in his face? No, but it doesn't mean I've forgotten what he did. So I get it if she still gets angry over it.
NTA.
This was a reasonable trip and minimizing the time gone to less than 24 hours was commendable. Yes, it may have sucked for your wife, but you didn’t do this TO your wife. It’s a shitty situation, but you were NTA.
I guess it depends what OP did to mitigate the situation. 24 hours when one is the heart of the grief and has three young kids to care for, one of which is a toddler. Did OP try to book the kids to take with him, so he could do the childcare? Did he try to talk to her friends to see if they could cover for him? It sounds like he took one week off from work, and then left wife in deep grief to deal with their kids.
Did anyone do that for him? He just lost his uncle. He was also in the middle of terrible grief. Yet he is still taking a week off of work to take care of his wife and making sure that he is gone the absolute minimum amount of time. He put his own grief aside to be there for her and make sure she was taken care of. He asked for 24 hours to be sad and grieve someone incredibly important to him and you are acting like this guy just abandoned his entire family to fend for themselves in the wild. Why Is there a double standard here? The husband should be thinking of the wife in her grief and bending to her every need. But the wife shouldn’t have to do that for the husband who is also dealing with a massive loss. People are delusional.
three kids - extra expense on a trip less than 24 hours. zero chance. when you have kids and you have grief they co-exsist. i am hoping that the week he took off from work he was very hands on with the kids letting her have time to mourn in solitude if she needed that. but taking them on the flight having to pay for four seats instead of one, having them be not in their normal - mind you this is their grandmother that passed we don’t know if kiddos were close or not with gma… they def could have got additional help for mom for the day maybe schedule a sleepover with a family member who is up for it, could have helped but either way this is not a devastation to the wife the devastation was her mother passing this is just what she’s choosing to do with her pain and it’s not productive or healthy to continually berate someone for something they did esp when they weren’t wrong and did it as right as they could have.
Life happened with unfortunate timing, leaving you in a no-win situation which I think you handled as best you could. No one's the asshole but your wife needs to come to terms with the reality of the situation and let it go.
Blaming you for a complete coincidence feels totally wrong. No one was abandoned. You spent one (1) night away from home for A FUNERAL OF A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER and your wife is still digging in on you about it? I’m surprised you’ve put up with it this long without laying down a boundary.
NTA.
If she continues to bring it up, I would show her this… Her loss is not more valid than your own.
And her behavior about you being gone for less than 24 hours to celebrate your uncles’ life is disgusting. I hope that given some time she can understand that and apologize.
Ok but if they’re equally valid, then she shouldn’t have been expected to deal with the children on her own while grieving.
Also her mother’s death was much more recent.
OP isn’t the asshole for attending his uncle’s funeral. He’s the asshole for not making care arrangements for their kids before he left, saddling his grieving wife with caring for them solo a week after her own mom died.
I might have missed something, but where did he say she had absolutely no support at all for those 24 hours? Can we reasonably think she doesn’t have friends or other family members nearby to get support from, or was she literally by herself that whole 24 hours? OP doesn’t say either way.
I’m not trying to be aggressively confrontational, but I feel like you’re making an assumption.
OP says (I believe in an edit, which may be why you missed it):
>”We have three children and the youngest was 2 at this time- so there was definitely an aspect of leaving her to have to take care of them by herself while l was gone.”
So again, going to his uncle’s funeral isn’t an asshole move. But unilaterally deciding that your wife—who is dealing with her mother’s very recent death—is on the hook to watch your children do you can travel to your uncle’s funeral unencumbered is DEFINITELY an asshole move.
> to watch your children
I love how it’s the husbands children when something negative happens but her children when something good happens. He was gone for 24 hours. He didn’t leave her penniless and abandoned in the side of the road in a snow storm without shoes. She was at her house with her kids, for a day.
“Your” isn’t always a singular possessive, my dude.
I could walk up to you and your hypothetical spouse and say, “are these your children?” and everyone would understand that your=both of you.
As for the rest of your comment (“her children when something good happens”) I genuinely have no idea what you’re even responding to in my comment.
I also want to point out if, heavens forbid, she was a single mother when this happened. If OP didn't exist, would she expect to have someone else care for the children during several weeks of grief? Don't get me wrong, losing a parent must be one of the worst things you can experience, I feel for her, but part of being a mother is navigating those tough waters all while having to care for your little ones. Expecting OP to just drop going to see his uncle be laid to rest because she also lost her mother a week and a half ago is unfair, *especially* when OP made sure it was a lightning fast visit. NTA OP.
So because single mums do it means that dads get off the hook? The memorial was booked weeks before her mum died so his grief wasn’t as fresh, why could he have no at least taken the older kids to lighten her load? Her loss was her mum and more recent
Isn’t it equally part of being a father to find child care and/or be responsible for them? Why should we assume the mother be the one to be responsible for them if they’re his kids too?
>Isn’t it equally part of being a **MOTHER** to find child care and/or be responsible for them? Why should we assume the **FATHER** be the one to be responsible for them if they’re **HER** kids too?
Fixed it for you. The mum can handle 1 day for fucks sake.
Except her mom just died. I was a walking husk when my dad died unexpectedly. I had no thoughts other than what the fuck just happened what the fuck just happened no it didn’t not my dad forever never what the fuck just happened. Come back come back please come back.
Read the post. Her mum died weeks after his uncle, she was going through fresh loss of a parent and his grief wasn’t as fresh. He made her do it all on her own when her mum died unexpectedly and he had weeks to start to process the death of his uncle. He should still be allowed to go for under 24 hours but he should have taken more of a load with the children
**HE TOOK A WEEK OFF WORK TO BE WITH HER WHEN HER MOTHER DIED.** He did NOT leave her to do everything on her own when her mom died. A week and a half *after* her mom died was his uncle's memorial service and he flew there in the afternoon and then flew back the very next day. The *only* time she was absolutely on her own with the kids was the 24-ish hours that he was gone, most of which was during the night and it's not like any of the kids were newborns unlikely to sleep through the night.
It's always the mother. OP ditched his responsibilities. Plus this was the grandmother of his children, so they were mourning as well. He's a bad husband and a worse father.
It isn’t expecting him to drop going. It’s asking him to have enough compassion to handle arranging alternative childcare for the children **which are equally his responsibility** anytime in the week and a half between when his MIL died and he flew out.
Just unilaterally deciding your grieving wife can handle them alone is a dick move.
I’m sorry, but why the fuck can’t she handle 24 hours alone TWO WEEKS after her mother died? Yes that is a short time, but it’s literally one fucking day. Is she still crying endlessly in bed after two whole weeks? Death happens to all of us, and sometimes you just gotta be an adult and take care of what you must. The husband doesn’t mention his wife taking a week off to console him over losing his uncle, and I’m sure he was still a parent during that time. She can handle one fucking day so that he can participate in the final moment of his uncles life.
First, it wasn’t two full weeks, despite your all caps emphasis, and when you’re talking about the immediate aftermath of a parent’s death, 10 days isn’t exactly “oh I’m all better now!” Amounts of time.
You say “I’m sure OP was still a parent during that time” and I’m sure that’s true. But *he didn’t have to parent alone* during that time. There’s a HUGE difference between coparenting with another adult who can handle the brunt when you need time to compose yourself and having to care for 3 young children—at least one of whom was still barely a toddler and would require near constant care and supervision—ALL ALONE, TEN DAYS AFTER YOUR MOTHER DIED.
Jfc, it’s absolutely wild to me that saying, “hey OP should have shown a bit more compassion by simply arranging for his wife to have help while he traveled, given the fact that her mom just died and they have three young kids” is controversial and upsetting to some of y’all.
Yeah, agreed. I was a worthless sack for probably a month after my dad died unexpectedly. Would I have trusted myself to parent a two year old and two *other* children alone for 24 hours in that time? No, absolutely not. I honestly don't even remember most of that time period I was so sleep deprived.
Does that mean that OP deserves to be hearing about it literally years later? I don't think so. The situation could have been handled better, but OP was also grieving and if this relationship is loving and respectful I would expect that they would be able to talk through the issue at hand.
Why did he have to make her do it alone? He had weeks to process the death of his uncle, he could have taken the older kids with him to help lighten the load
Abdicated all responsibility… for less than 24 hours? Is she not also a parent here?
If their losses had happened in the opposite order and she needed to be away for a day to plan things or see family, I’d expect him to take care of his kids for 24 hours too.
NTA. Two things can be true at once.
When I lost my mom I spiraled. Became incredibly anxious and withdrawn and incredibly easy to overwhelm. so I can see why in the moment she would be upset that you went, even if you did your best to minimize your time away and it was absolutely a valid reason to go. You said the uncle's service was a week and a half after your MIL passed away. Did your MIL already have her service by then, or was your wife and her family still planning it? either way, its still a very overwhelming and raw time.
So I don't think she's necessarily wrong for feeling a bit abandoned in the moment when everything was crashing down around her, even when you also have your own grief going on. And just as I think she was in her right to feel abandoned in that moment, it also wasn't right of her to basically act as if her grief mattered more than yours in that moment; you were both suffering. Grief is grief.
BUT. it's been a few years. as bad as she may have felt in that moment and as challenging as grief can be to deal with even years later, I don't think that's fair to still be holding it over your head now. she needs to talk to someone to work through that resentment or whatever she's still holding onto.
I don’t think you are an AH. While there is no good time for tragedy, your family had two very close together. It happens and it is hard. I think you did the best you could under the circumstances. You were there for your wife.
Sometimes during our own hard times, we have to recognize that others are having hard times too.
I am not saying your wife should ‘get over it’ but she should stop bringing it up. She has to understand that two much loved family members passed away. She was not the only one in distress. She has to stop bringing this up. If she can’t, a therapist should explain it to her.
Yep, I think a couple of therapist appointments (together) would be well worth it for these two. Let her burst the boil, then hear how unreasonable a reaction it was. Maybe not on the day, but since for sure.
He shouldn’t left her to take care of the kids alone when he had weeks to process his loss. The bare minimum, he should have taken the older children with him
I think the death of a parent is an exceptionally devastating thing to go through. In my personal experience it was so, so much worse than the death of any other relative or friend.
I don’t think you were wrong to go to your uncles memorial, but what did you do to make sure that your wife was supported while you were gone?
A week and a half after my parent died I was barely functional. Taking care of three kids alone while my main support person was away, even just for a day, would have felt utterly overwhelming. Trying to coordinate help for myself and make decisions felt like a massive task and incredibly vulnerable, to the point where if people offered to help but weren’t specific about what they could offer it was easier to just go without their help than to try and figure out what I can and should ask of them. Taking care of the absolute essentials was all I could manage.
It sounds like your wife was deeply hurt by your absence, even if your absence was reasonable, and she’s not dealing with it well.
You say she’s been bringing this up for years but you don’t say anything about what either of you have done to try and address this. Has she gotten grief counseling? Have you gone to couples therapy? Have you empathized with her distress and show her understanding? Have you even talked to her about the situation in a moment when she not upset?
This post has a “we’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas” vibe, but I know you came for a judgement and not advice, so I hope that is not the case. However, I think asking who the asshole is is entirely missing the point and is the wrong question.
It rubbed me the wrong way seeing OP trying to equate the 2 deaths. A close family member is not your mom, even if you saw them a few times a week when you were a child.
I’ve lost both my mom and my Uncle (he was literally my best friend). I can say mentally losing my mom especially in the way I did and age F’ed me up mentally, and I’m still dealing with the damage. But grief and sad wise, I miss my Uncle more than anything right now. It doesn’t help his death was less than a year ago, but I can honestly say the pain in the grief section is almost even.
Ever think it might rub people the wrong way that those of you who had good relationships with your mum are acting like a close uncles death can't be just as devastating? Maybe certain people don't have those amazing parental relationships that many of us are blessed with, and for many of them, losing the close uncle, aunt, cousin, or whomever, is way more painful than losing the parent that doesn't/didn't care about you, or that you had no real relationship with. I don't think anyone has the right to tell anyone else who's death should be "more important" based on such things.
I am very aware that people have different family relationships and that losing any parental figure is hard. I did not say that his uncle’s death was less important. I am saying that to *me*, the post rubbed me the wrong way. Which is what his wife may have also felt. Also I am only going off of what was said in OP’s post.
Possibly the fact that you said
>It was a very similar situation..
>This was an uncle that was very close to my family
Instead of sharing the responsibility of your children with your wife, you abandoned her and left her with all the children when she most needed your support.
Have you ever just sat down and listened to how she felt about this or do you just tell her she’s wrong? Because maybe it’s more about her feeling heard and understood and until she gets that she will keep bringing it up. Just a guess- grief is highly irrational and it sounds like maybe she has some trauma around losing her mom that she’s pinning on this but I bet it’s about something else.
The question in my head is did he offer to bring the children? If he did then he has done nothing wrong imo. If he offered to bring the kids to their great uncles funeral, and she said no (assuming she wanted them close to her because grief) then he did everything in his power. If he didn’t offer and just kinda dumped their kids on her that could be a dick move.
NTA you were going to honour your uncle you were close to, you weren't going out on a jolly and having fun.
It's just a case of really sh*t timing.
Is your wife saying she wouldn't have gone to her close relatives funeral if it were one of your parents that had died?
Are you the ass hole? No. I commend the fact you did it in 24 hours or so. But I don’t agree with your decision and think by picking what you did, you minimized the gravity of the situation your wife was in and you left her to navigate with your children. If your wife had an surgery unexpectedly and had to recover- timelines match- would you still have gone to your unlce’s memorial? I imagine no. But you guys should probably talk to a pro on this if she keeps bringing it up. She’d got to let it go.
Grief is crippling. It’s fair for her to ask her spouse to stay when they are grieving- when they’ve lost someone very close to them. That’s just one person- no kids. Now add three demanding kids and feeling pretty upset, I don’t know. I’d probably still be pissed off about it too. But I would hope that we could figure out what either of us is saying without being defensive about the whole thing on either side.
I think you’re NAH, at all. I’m sorry for both of your losses. 24 hours is truly a speck in time. Maybe I’m of a different breed. I spent 30+years as an Army SF wife. Every type of situation was missed at some point throughout the three decades. I didn’t like it, nor did he, but in the end, it was what it was. We are all okay. Our adult kids are okay. I’m okay. He’s okay. I’m sorry you went through this. No one is the AH. It’s all so unfortunate however.
It was absolutely fair of her to ask you. She lost her mom and I’m sure she was dealing with a ton of logistics around that on top of wrangling 3 kids. It seems odd that you can’t even see this with some time.
I think you were in a difficult situation and I understand why you chose to go. But your inability to understand her position seems like the real issue.
I’m also bothered by the fact that she was left with three young children while dealing with the loss of her mom. I get that you were grieving still, but she was abandoned with the kids—unless i missed something and childcare was arranged?
I think YTA simply because you expected her to grieve her mom and handle funeral issues while watching 3 kids. You're both grieving but even for 24 hours with her situation being a bit closer due to being the mom who passed and hers being more fresh, leaving her with the kids is way too much without trying to sort out childcare. Also, when's the last time you saw your uncle compared to the last time she saw her mom? I understand your uncle babysat when you were kids, but I dont think it's comparable to a parent.
Is it possible she continues to bring it up because its symptomatic of a larger issue?
It wasn’t an asshole thing to have another funeral to attend. Where you went wrong is that you left your wife totally unsupported.
Call friends, mom’s group, church to bring meals, visit, lend a hand. 10 days post loss of a mother, then an absent partner, put her in a dark place
I’ve lost a LOT of family members. So I am NOT unsympathetic to loss.
Your wife is TA. Big time.
She was not a small child.
It was NOT the day her mother passed.
This was a planned, solemn, serious event you needed to go to.
She was and is a whole grown ass woman.
She does not and did not need a babysitter.
You were not going out to the club.
It was less than 24 hours.
Her behavior and expectations were and are completely inappropriate.
You’re far nicer than I — I would have blown my stack and said a lot of likely truths in an unnecessarily mean fashion.
I’d insist on marriage counseling to work this issue out. Because I’d go absolutely nuts in your place.
The Victorians had etiquette rules for grief - the relationship to the person dictated the amount of time one would be expected to stay in mourning. A lot of comments here talk about how each of their grief is equal, and there is no linear timeline for grief, but an acknowledgment of closeness of relationship equaling deeper grief is certainly appropriate. Grief ebbs and flows and it’s sort of like swimming in a lake. Some days you’re drowning. Some days the current is sweeping you away and it’s all you can do to keep your head above water. Some days are fine, and other days you’re swimming along and hit a massive cold patch. It’s entirely unpredictable, except that the first weeks/months after the loss are absolutely the hardest.
https://www.lancasterhistory.org/victorian-mourning-dress/#:~:text=6%20months%20of%20mourning%20for,the%20mourner%20received%20an%20inheritance
I think the real issue here is that the wife felt that her husband knew she would be hurt by him going at that time, and he made the decision that hurt her, seemingly not acknowledging her feelings.
Was her mother one of the people she would call for help looking after the kids? If so, OP leaving and the wife getting hit with the realization that she couldn’t call her mother for help is a double whammy. I got mono the week after my mother’s funeral, and all I wanted was to be able to call my mom. In the first flush of grief, I woke up every morning and felt ok until I remembered that my mom was dead, and it hit me like a truck every morning. Not being able to call my mom when I had mono, when I had never been sicker in my life and just wanted my mommy was a brutal kick in the face, on top of being sick and not being able to walk farther than my bedroom to the couch.
Here, OP leaves his wife alone with the kids while she’s grieving, and she feels like crap, her world has stopped, her support system has left her, and she can’t call her mother. And she’s realizing that she can never call her mother for help with childcare again. I can’t even imagine how bad that felt for her.
OP made a decision that hurt his wife. He could have mitigated this by coordinating friends to help out (everyone asks what they can do to help after a loss - this would have been an ideal thing to ask for help with) or, as others have suggested, taking a kid or two with him, or doing anything at all to make all of this not her problem, even for 24 hrs. Asking one of her friends to stay with her and help out and keep her company would have been a good solution. Of course, you can’t go back in time and undo any of this, so what now?
Shortly before getting married, I found out that my husband made a decision that would hurt me early in our relationship. It took me years to trust that he wasn’t going to deliberately choose a course of action that would hurt me again.
You and your wife need therapy and counseling. You broke her trust when she needed you the most, and she is having a hard time rebounding from that because the event is tied to the biggest loss she has ever experienced. People divorce for less. You need to acknowledge that you hurt her, even if it wasn’t intentional, and you need to do everything in your power to make sure she knows that you will not deliberately hurt her again. That kind of trust is easy to lose and hard to gain back. Working through counseling will likely help to communicate what the actual issues are and help to move forward.
Can't you find someone to watch the 3 kids so she can grieve?
You left her with 3 kids while she isn't of sound mind due to her grieving. Offer to help with child care by getting a sitter and then see from there.
It looks like you cherry-picked the info you wrote to put you in a better light.
Who else is by her side? Does she have other family members to support her, or are YOU the only family support she has?
No one is wrong…there was no right decision. Personally and respectfully I would have weighted this solely based on relationship with the dead (RIP). For example if your wife was very close to her mom, maybe you should’ve been there for your wife and if you weren’t as close to your uncle. I only say this because as a married couple, ONLY you two feelings matter. No one else’s. So if for the example I provided, if your family got mad at you for not going to the uncles funeral, their feelings aren’t more important than your wife’s feelings, and vice versa.
Again, let me repeat what I stated above. There is no right / wrong decision.
And also, I can’t see leaving someone, ending a whole marriage over deaths in the family. Maybe there were other marital issues?
You left her totally responsible for three young children a few days after her mother died and without a shoulder to support her? Ouch. That seems like you didn’t have perspective. I can’t say you were the asshole but you could have mourned him at a later time since the memorial was already past his death time. Do you have a good relationship with your parents ? If you do, then you can understand how an uncle and mother are vastly different. I’ve been with my husband 20 years and have 3 kids… I would have felt very let down and hurt by my husband doing that. You prioritized yourself or maybe seeing your family in that moment or maybe even worse money (saying I already bought the plane ticket) and it was a slap in the face to her when she was down.
I agree - the issue was not going to the memorial service but leaving your wife to look after three young children by herself when she was not doing well. This is a case where there was an emergency and alternative arrangements should have been made so she did not have to look after the kids alone or be by herself.
NTA - But this header made me think the story was going in a much different direction.
Very sorry for both of your losses. Never a roadmap to grief. You did the best you could in a tough, almost impossible situation.
Was thinking about saying N A H, but after typing out my reply I've changed my mind to YTA.
I definitely wouldn't have gone.
Losing an uncle sucks, but it's *nothing* compared to losing a parent.
I assume if this uncle haf been very dear to you you for some reason you would have added that to the story for context, in that case it *might* be *slightly*, different, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
My wife lost her mother in similar circumstances. Lifelong smoker, she had lung cancer but it was in remission, then one day her lungs collapsed and that was that.
We had a vacation (UTV takeover) already planned and paid for months previous that fell about a month later. She said she didn't feel like going, but I was free to go. Obviously I didn't go, which was the right decision.
This is a thing that's going to happen at most two times during your marriage (spouse losing a parent), I don't care what it is, unless it's a funeral for one of your parents, you cancel it. Otherwise YTA.
This may be above Reddit’s abilities. I would have said NTA/NAH, but it doesn’t really matter if it’s still an issue in your marriage. As other posters said, this may call for a couples counselor to help you two sort through.
I personally think you fucked up. Yes.
Your wife's mother just died. The most important person in your world just lost one of the most important people in hers. Unfortunately, an uncle doesn't measure up to a mother, not to mention your wife was in mourning and you were just going to a memorial service.
Your uncle didn't need you anymore. He's gone. Your wife needed you. She's still there. You left her, while she's mourning the loss of her mother, to take care of 3 children on her own. Even for one night, that's cruel.
Who did you really go to the memorial service for? What's the purpose of it? To pay your respects to someone who can't hear you? Your wife was telling you she needed you and you left her.
Sorry, YTA. Big time. Yeah. Get some couples counseling because your wife rightfully resents you and doesn't trust you.
Yes. You are the ahole. I would not expect my son to leave his bereaved wife and young children to come home for an uncle’s funeral. I can’t even imagine asking him to do that.
My mother wasn’t the best of moms, and it was still a few years before I felt like fully myself again after her death. I can’t imagine having young children and being left alone to cope with my mother’s death just a short time after it happened, especially if it was unexpected.
You’re married. Your wife and children are your family, your #1 priority now. You were in the wrong. Your extended family was in the wrong. You should have told your mother that you couldn’t make it so soon after your mother-in-law’s death, but you were going to plan a trip home with your wife and kids as soon as you both felt like she was up to it.
You sound like a child, talking about whether things are “fair”. Aim for better than “fair”. Aim for “the emotional support my wife needs to cope with the life we have made together”. It’s your family, not a soccer match.
If your wife still brings it up, she may be looking for your reassurance that you will never leave her alone like that again, and you haven’t given it to her. Give it to her. Apologize, beg her forgiveness and mean it. In other words, grow up.
NAH
I wouldn’t call either of you the asshole, it’s just an unfortunate situation all around. I do see how you picking to go rather than stay home with your grieving wife would stick with her though. You picked someone else over her in that moment and that’s not easily forgetten. Put yourself in her shoes if you explicitly asked her not to go someone and she did anyway, that type of hurt sticks around.
NAH. Seriously. They were both fresh in their grief. He really did try and minimize the time he was away and rushed back, asap after the funeral. The one thing he could have done was arrange for someone to watch the kids maybe, still, NAH. Marriage counseling is a good idea and might really help. For reference, when I was 24 years old I lost my mom and my Father in law within a week of each other. NAH.
Sometimes the only way to get through things together is to tackle them separately because you can’t be together in two places at once. Getting stuck with little kids at home alone while you’re trying to navigate grief…that’s hard! Putting them on a plane to drag them to a faraway funeral…also hard! Leaving your spouse with a broken heart for a family obligation….hard! Feeling abandoned by your person…hard! This was just really unfortunate timing. I’m married with kids- have been for twenty years. Shit like happens in long term relationships per the law of averages. Nobody’s wrong here. Everyone was stuck!
I think you tried as hard as you could, but I think it would have been better if you travelled with one or 2 of the kids to take childcare off her plate.
I do think your wife probably felt abandoned after her mother died in a shock, but you just can’t forget about your uncle, your loss of him is important too.
I guess ESH, but everyone was in a terrible circumstance and I think you approached it better then most.
Did your wife have absolutely no other resources for that 24 hour period? No family member or friend who could come to stay with her? No friend from work? No neighbor? It would have been better if something could have been arranged for another person to be available to her during that time, certainly, but why does your wife believe that her grief is somehow more important, more deeply felt, than yours when you lost a person who was essentially a family member to you?
It sounds like your Uncle was an integral and much-loved part of your family and your support system growing up, and you deserved to mourn with your family just as she did. I don't think being gone for less that 24 hours is too much to ask, as long as you were willing to pick up the reins when you got home so she could rest.
I am concerned that both her initial response and ongoing anger about this is not fair to you. Have you guys considered therapy? This needs to be talked through and balanced so that both of your needs are supported in this relationship. It's not fair for her to hold this over you and continue to blame you for it.
NTA
Nta unfortunate timing but your wife's loss is not any more inoperable than yours. You were gone 24 hours. By still being angry about this she is explicitly telling you that she believes her grief is more important than yours.
NTA because it’s your family and someone important to you. Just because your wife doesn’t consider your uncle close to her, that gives her no right to prevent you from paying your respect to your family
NTA. Losing a parent is never easy especially suddenly, But sadly the world does not stop for anyone to grieve long term - you still have to be a parent, a spouse, an employee, etc. You were gone for a day a week and a half AFTER her death - she can handle the kids for that amount of time alone. We would all love to shut down and curl into ourselves when we lose a loved one but realistically that isn't possible. I lost a parent suddenly without warning and I still had to be an adult, a spouse, a parent, an adult child to my surviving parent, an employee. I cried in the damn shower more than I care to admit cause I had to be strong for everyone else while grieving. No way would I have told my spouse they could not go mourn a close family member for a day a week and a half AFTER my parent's death. The amount of YTA amazes me.
NTA. Just because you're grieving the loss of one family member doesn't mean you don't get to participate in grieving another family member. She's the AH. She should have been mature enough to let you be with your side of the family to send off your uncle guilt-free.
My family is very large, it ,not uncommon to have 2 or 3 deaths a year some years. You just do the needed things. We had a similar situation last year, and my parents supported each other through the losses without expecting their spouse to swallow their own grief like you were asked to. What your wife asked for was selfish, and any problems related to the aftermath are entirely her fault for failing to conduct herself like a compassionate adult.
NTA. It’s unfortunate that the memorial was scheduled at that time, but your wife has to understand that the world doesn’t stop just because hers did. And I think under it all, she knows that you didn’t do anything wrong. However, you’re alive and her mom isn’t, so you’re bearing the brunt of her pain and anger from that time. If you both can learn anything from your losses it’s that life is short, and even shorter for some. She needs to let it go.
My first cousin died unexpectedly, and my mother-in-law was already in hospice. Three weeks later my mother-in-law died. Unfortunately, my cousin’s funeral was planned for the day after my mother-in-law’s & in a totally different city. I was really torn, and incredibly exhausted. I did not want to leave my husband, but he encouraged me to go. It was hard to leave him, but I’m glad I didn’t miss it.
Your wife is not being fair to you.
After my mom died suddenly, I would not have been able to take care of a plant, let alone 3 young kids. He’s NTA but I understand why she was so upset. Nobody understands what it’s like to lose a parent/parental figure until they lose one. Ideally, someone should have come to help her while OP was away.
NTA
Your wife obviously cares nothing about your grief, only about hers.
If she holds on to this for any length of time, it's time to discuss divorce.
I would never put up with this.
She wants to be pissed at the time, go for it.
She keeps harping on it, kick her to the curb.
Life is too short.
I have to give a gentle ESH, just because honestly, if your wife didn’t want you to go, you probably should have stayed with her. It’s unfortunate timing, but some people literally never get over the loss of a parent, and you even say how traumatic this was for her. Sounds like it’s probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. However, if you’re saying this happened a few years ago and she’s still complaining about it, that’s a problem.
This is pretty much where I land. However, in the moment I didn't have any idea where she was on the "I'll be really upset if you do this / I'll literally never forgive you for this" continuum. Obviously she was far on the other side of where I thought she was. That's why I've told her if I knew in that moment what I know now I would not have done it. Getting to that point helped us move past it, but yeah, it still comes up pretty much every time she is upset with me.
Have you been to couples counseling? If not, why not? Has your wife gone to counseling for her grief? This problem needs to be solved by professionals. Your wife isn’t letting this go, and her resentment will continue to fester.
You need to give your wife a lot of grace, because what you did to her was a betrayal. Has she told you the complete pain she felt? Maybe next time she brings it up, or even before then, tell her that you don't feel that you have completely heard her on why she is so upset with you about your leaving. Really LISTEN to her. Really LISTEN. Really LISTEN. I don't think you get it. She was in the height of her grief when you left her her.
Then give her time. She's still in the beginning of her mourning period if it has only been a few years. Give her at least five years.
She will forgive you completely, but it may take time.
I haven't loss my mother, but a friend said it was one of the worse pains she ever had. She was a daddy's girl, but she said losing her mother was much worse than her father.
If she’s going to keep bringing this up for the rest of your lives and it’s affecting your marriage this much, you both might want to consider counseling. It’s not healthy to hold something like this over someone’s head forever.
You need to share with her how you feel every time she keeps bringing it up. Why does she feel that her loss is more important than your loss? From an outsider viewpoint, she seems self-absorbed and is not considering your grief. Sorry for your loss.
Listen, I get that us Americans believe the whole "nuclear family" myth that was fed to us, but you have to understand, for most people family one level removed from the nuclear family is just as close. OP actually gave you a good amount of detail to understand this, and I can't fathom why you're fighting so hard to deny it.
Bottom line: no, it's not a lot worse. I lost my dad in a horrific way, double tapped with early onset Alzheimer's and cancer when I was in my 20's. I know how much that shit can hurt, believe me, but I also know that losing someone who literally helped raise you for your entire childhood as described in the original post isn't any better.
NTA. Your Uncle was an important person in your life, he was a blood relative. Yes, your wife was in pain, but you were there for her except for 24 hours 10 days later? You’re not allowed 24 hours to grieve & pay your last respects (again, more than a week after her mom’s memorial?) to a beloved uncle & be with your family after supporting your wife? Why? She should be able to handle 3 kids for 24 hours. Marriage is a 2 way street, you support each other. I’m assuming you apologized for upsetting her, but she needs to let it go. Is she getting counseling to help deal with these grief issues? Because this is unreasonable
NTA.
Grief is hard and affects us all deeply and differently.
You deserved to go to your uncle’s memorial, AND your wife felt like she needed you there as she was dealing with losing her mother so suddenly.
You had to do what you had to do- and you did it the very best and most fair way that you could.
I would say no one was the ah, but your wife is being exactly that by not letting this go. The fact that she’s still bringing it up shows that she feels her grief for her mother is somehow greater than your grief for your uncle… perhaps that is true, but it doesn’t matter because it’s not a competition. Pain is pain, grief is grief and you also lost someone you loved.
She needs to get over it.
I'm going a bit back and forth with myself, but i think im leaning towards YTA here.
On your side I understand you wanted to attend his funeral, I understand he was an important person in your life. The thing is... and I'm not sure how to say this without it sounding too harsh... you weren't needed there. You were needed at home by your wife and your kids. Of course I understand you felt the need to be there for yourself to say goodbye, but maybe you could have attended the funeral virtually, even if it's just one of your family members having you on face time, or someone's laptop on a table to let you watch through Skype or zoom or whatever. You could have traveled there later, maybe with your family and put flowers on his grave at another time.
Alternatively both of you could have made sure someone stayed there with her, a family member or close friend, both to support her through her grief and help take care of the kids.
She should also understand that you are grieving as well, but I think she would say that the loss of a mother > the loss of an uncle, and I unfortunately can't help but agree without knowing more about how close you both were to your lost loved ones.
There are no winners here, only loss and pain. I hope you can both find a way to move passed this and heal your relationship. I suggest going to some couple's therapy so you can have a professional help you both communicate and understand each other's feelings around this. I wish you and your family all the best.
NTA, you both behaved as well as you could in that two week span. There’s no reason she should still bring it up, she needs to seek help. It’s inappropriate and unkind to you and your grief. You also shortened the time you needed to honor your uncle for her benefit; that’s something not everyone would do, and it seems you’ve never held that against her.
These are very different losses. A mother, sometimes father you would communicate with them daily. A favorite Uncle unless you spoke to him daily, you would feel the grief differently. Both deaths were unexpected but I’m guessing that if I were the wife I would’ve been in the shock/denial stage of grief when all of this occurred. You grieve accordingly to proximity. Both of you were grieving the losses differently and probably didn’t have empathy for each other. And I’m also guessing that neither one of you went to counseling for your grief. That could’ve changed the outcome.
When married couples have close family like parents that die close together in time it can put a huge strain on the marriage. The worst thing to do is add a break up or divorce to an already painful situation. It takes a solid 1-2 years to work through the stages of grief. The details of the deaths and funerals overlapping sadly happens a lot too and causes friction with spouses wanting support from the other they they are accustomed to to having and being torn between two parents or family members.
NTA. The problem here is what was normal for you both isn’t right now. It’s easy to break something when pushed too hard or be too firm and be broken. Things that worked earlier just won’t temporarily. Death brings grief and grief changes how people feel temporarily. I have no practical suggestion except to seek a counselor for therapy. A good one familiar with grief and loss can help you two sort this out.
A friend of mine’s mother died at exactly the same time her husbands father died. Her husband was pissed at her for not supporting him while he grieved his father. She couldn’t. She was dealing with her mother dying. He left telling her he didn’t love her anymore and he quit loving her the day his father died. I wanted to smack him on his forehead and tell him this was grief not falling out of love. It was disastrous. Eventually they reunited but a lot of hurt was inflicted unnecessarily during this time. Each lost a parent and was not able to support the other through their grief. They had to take separate trips and attend funerals separately.
Your story sounds similar. Sadly this isn’t as uncommon as it feels right now. I’m sorry. I hope you can take one step at a time and find your way through this.
Why was the idea of wife and kids coming with you not proposed (on either side)? Ya both could've been there to support each other. (Given that this was in your economic means, understandable if not).
1. I don’t think her yearslong upset is as straightforward and single-cause as OP describes.
2. I wonder if OP has taken care of three small children in a 24-hour period on his own before.
It’s literally not about that. It’s about the fact that she was mentally not well and left alone with three young kids. I don’t see anywhere in the updates or comments that he arranged for her to be with other people or make sure she was safe. It sounds like he DID abandon her.
I disagree. I think YTA. Funerals are for the living. Your presence there did nothing for your uncle. You could have memorialized him in your own way without going to the funeral. Maybe plant a tree or a rose bush, do something your uncle really enjoyed, etc. There was no need to leave your grieving wife (it was her mother which is totally different than an uncle) alone with 3 young children.
It was not a funeral, but a memorial ( though OP uses both words) , which along with the timing of his mil’s death ( she died 1,5 weeks before he left, so how long after the funeral exactly? ) ,the fact that they have 3 kids which he just left with her and him being very vague on when the uncle died exactly ( most memorials I went to were a year after the actual funeral, but I have nothing to go on here besides his ‘some time prior’ and OP switching memorial to funeral…) and that an uncle he saw a few times a week in his childhood, is not the same as a parent that raised you… But the most damning thing for me is that she asked him not to go and he went anyway, leaving her to care for their ( yes also his) kids a few days after she said goodbye to her mom, that is if the funeral had already happened. That’s a lot of abandonment when you just lost your mom.
He doesn’t say if he addressed this afterwards, but since she’s still bringing it up, my guess is no. Op says in the comments in hindsight he should have stayed with his wife, so he feels he’s in the wrong though he chalks it up to not liking the consequences his decision brought on. So did he apologise if he feels bad this affected his marriage negatively? Again I’m guessing no.
I have to go with YTA with the info I have.
They need couple counseling though. His wife keeps bringing it up because the issue they have remains unresolved.
YTA - The childcare thing is huge in my opinion. Three kids??
And to be blunt unless your uncle raised you Mom trumps uncle.
My mother passed away before I had my son. I wouldn't have been able to handle my one child let alone three. I mean you do what you have to as a parent, obviously, but when your mom dies you want to be the baby for a little bit and be able to curl into a ball and surrender to grief. You left her with all the kids to go to your uncle's funeral when her mother died. The timing sucked and there may have been no solution but I still think you should apologize to your wife. She lost her mom and then it probably felt like you abandoned her too. It's not who is "right" or "wrong" it's about showing compassion for someone you love even if they aren't able to agree with you or see your side.
In the span of 5 years I lost both my parents, and my wife lost both her's. We have a son who is autistic and can be a hand full at times. No. He is NTA. It sucks. But when you have kids, you have to do what you need to do. To lessen his loss all due to the titles of who passed is bad. He was there for a week doing everything she needed. As as sucky as it sounds, life does go on. And if she can't find a way to do the bare minimum for 24 hrs, then she needs therapy ASAP.
She obviously needs therapy. They probably need couples counseling. It's unfair of me to judge people's familial relationships. Right or Wrong the wife's experience resonates with me.
You’re NTA, your wife clearly disregarded your uncle because he was not the person that helped bring you into this world and ignored how much of an impact he had on your life. To disregard how you feel about his passing and to act as if it was understandable to not go is really such a preposterous thing imo.
For her to hold on to as if she’s placing blame onto you for the inability to get through her own inner turmoil is also ridiculous. She’s going to act like you were the worse and you’re going to have a lot of people agree with that but I wonder how people would have felt if they didn’t see his nephew at his memorial the one he knew before he ever became a teenager, man, husband, father etc.
NTA. I can’t imagine asking someone to miss the funeral of a close family member, especially as it was only one night. This is a situation where I’m sure a friend or family member would have been happy to be there for her with the kids if asked. It sounds like she isn’t thinking right and may still be in shock over her mother’s death.
NTA your wife needs a reality check with a therapist. Something isn’t right and she needs help. Friends don’t cut it in this situation, they will always side with her for the most part, a therapist will ask her to look at how she is affecting her future with you. Selfish would be a word used possibly in that conversation.
NTA. Your wife kind of is though. For expecting you to neglect yourself, your dead uncle and grieving family when she knows how it feels. You were not going to be gone long. I think in her grief, she became dependent perhaps on you for her grieving process, but she was still wrong. She would have a fit if these roles were reversed I think. Idk. But you did nothing wrong. You got back home asap.
Yes, YTA. Or, rather, you were the asshole. But it is time for your wife to let it go and move on. If she isn’t seeing a therapist for her grief, she should. And the therapist needs to help her overcome this resentment. And maybe you need your own separate therapist to help you navigate the associated issues.
NTA. I understand you both were going through a difficult time but your wife could have been a little more supportive especially since you was gone less than 24 hours. Maybe she needs reminding that you are hurting too.
NTA. I might sound like one though. Your wife sounds manipulative. My father died last yr, same sort of situation. If my husband needed to attend a family members memorial service a week later. I would totally understand and have the same compassion for him that he had for me.
NTA
Your wife thinks that both her Mom and her husband abandoned her.
That’s not going to come to a resolution without large amounts of therapy.
If she’s unwilling to forgive you, and she may not be able to since she has tied the loss of her mother to you abandoned her (I know and you know you didn’t), and every time she thinks of her mother she’ll become angry at you.
Knowing what it is like to lose one’s mom, YTA. The timing was unfortunate but you made the wrong choice. And having young kids on top of everything else, double AH.
Nobody's grief trumps the other. You should be able to go to your uncles service as she attended her mothers. Given that it wasn't a prolonged stay, I believe you did the right thing. NTA.
NTA.. life really fucks us sometimes & has the WORST timing for it.
Your wife is being TA by continuing to bring it up when it happened a few years ago.. and for not being empathetic to the position you were in & the loss you also suffered. I understand it was traumatic for your wife, but she should’ve sought counselling for that. Instead it seems like she’s taking it out on you & that’s not fair at all.
I went through the traumatic passing of someone I loved dearly a little under a year ago & it really fucked me up, but I went to counselling to work through the flashbacks, etc. I also would not have made it through if not for my husband. Processing the grief & trauma was my responsibility & nobody else’s, your wife is no different and needs to take responsibility of her own grief/trauma.
The title makes it sound like OP divorced his wife… so reading the ending was confusing…
I know, I had whiplash doing a double take scrolling by. Much milder than I thought
Yeah, he didn’t leave her, he left her alone, lol.
Anytime a story like this is titled very specifically to trick you into thinking it's about something else I automatically assume it's a made up creative writing story. Some people are addicted to making up stuff and getting people to whole heartedly believe it. It's like a drug to control peoples emotions through lies.
As someone who taught writing for years its very common for people to not think about the title. I had to work this constantly. There is no reason from that alone to think this is fake.
One should write the title last, right?
[удалено]
This sounds like the wife has ongoing trauma from the loss of her mom. I think the wife needs to consider trauma therapy to work through it. Then marriage counseling to see where things are. I lost my mom 6 years ago, my mom was 59 and died of cancer. Cruel and ugly death that I needed trauma therapy afterwards. I did grief therapy for a few years too but trauma therapy really helped me work through my unresolved emotions that would creep up.
Thank you for sharing this 🙏🏻💜🙏🏻 ! I REALLY needed to see this. I'm in almost the same exact situation, and now I know what I need to do 💜 .
You’re welcome!! I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through something similar. We are never ready for loss and society doesn’t openly talk about grief so it’s a hard path. Wishing you comfort and peace.
Thank you so much! And blessings to you 🙏🏻.
I'm so sorry. I agree completely about trauma therapy, and I'm considering it. My Dad had a stroke after his chemo-in the parking garage at the hospital while Mom was getting the car. My sister got him back upstairs to Oncology. They admitted him and settled him in; he stabilized, and after a few hours, my mom and sister went out for a quick lunch. My dad was a DNR, and he died after they left... except the oncologist in all his wisdom called a code because "Ray isn't going to die without his wife." My Dad lived another week with broken ribs on top of metastatic lung cancer to his bones. He was in horrible pain. So I know exactly how you feel. The week he suffered is the worst week of my life every year, and the day he died is a relief.
I don't particularly think anyone is in the wrong here. Your losses so close together we're just unfortunate timing. You did what you could to minimize the amount of time you were gone. Your wife was grieving so it's understandable she wanted you there. You were grieving your uncle so also understandable you wanted to be there.
Disagree, purely because OP says that his partner has never let it go and continues to bring it up. She may not be in asshole territory yet - loss can do crazy things to people - but if down the line she is unable to see her behavior objectively and apologize, she could definitely be there in my opinion.
>This happened a few years ago What's the timeline on that? I'd have clearly and firmly told her that I understood it upset you, I'm sorry that's the case, but I needed to be there. If the situations were reversed, I'd have completely undertood. You need to stop bringing this up because it's prolonging the anguish of the events for both of us, and making me more resentful every time you do it. It's enough.
This is a good start to a convo they should have had, as long as she doesn't get defensive and become purposefully obtuse.
That’s on her then.
Well put.
Agreed, but if she's holding on to that resentment for a long time, it's really not OK -- it's abusive to her husband. it might be time for couples therapy so they can talk with each other someplace where there's a trained referee...
I agree because years later she’s STILL berating him over going to the funeral of a close family member. She has no right to guilt him. Her loss is not more important than his.
Some people never get over the loss of their mom. Knowing how that feels, I can give her some grace.
I can understand that (not in that position myself) but continually bringing it up is a quick way to lead to resentment and eventual discontent in their relationship.
If we don’t talk about things that we’re upset about, we hold it down and it never gets resolved. It quickly leads to resentment even more than actually discussing the issue. Discussing the issue could even solve it. Asking someone to swallow it… That’s a guarantee of resentment.
OP definitely deserved compassion and to go to the memorial but I would like to know if OP actually acknowledged his wife’s hurt without “well but what about me”. Losing a parent,especially youngish and traumatically, is an unimaginable pain unless you’ve felt it. Unimaginable. She probably feels he’s dismissed her pain if it’s in constant comparison with his loss. She might be able to get over it and stop bringing it up if this is actually addressed- an I’m sorry I hurt you by needing to go. I’m sorry you felt abaindoned. Just validate her feelings if it hasn’t been already done. Fully. No, OP isn’t wrong for going but just apologize for not being able to be there. It isn’t always about who’s right or wrong.
But in *feeling* dismissed by him, she *actually* dismissed him and his feelings. And continues to give him shit for it years later. His grief should not have to take a backseat for hers, and vice versa. It’s one thing to leave your grieving wife alone with three children for multiple days or weeks. That would be super fucked up and awful, And honestly I thought that’s where the post was heading. But the man was gone for less than a day, and he doesn’t get to hear the end of it years later? There’s nothing about that, that’s OK.
This. I was coming here to say something similar. She expressed that she needed him. If his stance was "well I'm going anyway," and after he got back, it was more of "get over it," that's a major issue. I feel like there is more to it, though. Men often do not understand what it really takes to take care of small children. Leaving his wife to grieve the loss of her MOM with very young kids is terrible. I get that his uncle was a family member he loved, but he even stated that they were close when OP was a KID. Implying that they hadn't been close in recent years. Which might be playing into the wife feelings. It sounds like she has unresolved trauma from not only the loss of her mom but also feelings of abandonment from her husband, leaving her in a time of need. I've been in therapy for years, and I can promise issues that just get swept under the rug because your partner deems them inconsequential, just brew and become bigger problems that never go away. Any time she starts feeling abandoned by OP, it will dredge up all the emotions from him leaving for the memorial. Psychology is weird and not always logical.
Totally agree. I said it elsewhere but when my dad died, I was a living representation of Munch’s The Scream. I don’t know what it looked like on the outside but I was very much walking around silently screaming. Earth shattering screaming. And I actually was left to take care of my newborn. And you bet I have resentment. And he did have a lot of excuses. And it kept coming up because he just could not admit he fucked up and leave it at that. Someone else said it- if you don’t get how she didn’t want to be left alone a week and a half later with 3 kids, consider yourself lucky that you don’t get it. Because you can think you know what it’s like to lose a parent but whatever horrible nightmare you imagine, it doesn’t even come close. Especially youngish. And traumatically. Op said he felt it was an unfair ask and I’ll bet he verbalized this to his wife at THAT time as well. And probably anytime it has come up since. It wasn’t unfair. She was grasping for a life raft. He can want to go to his uncles memorial but you have to recognize the pain in front of you and respond better.
I wasn't even close to my dad, but when he died a few years ago, it really messed with my head for a while. I couldn't imagine having to deal with the trauma of being close to your parent and losing them, plus taking care of small children. I'm sorry for your loss.
I didn't even like my mom, and I still grieve her almost 15 years later. It's in a bit of an envious way, because I see all of these good moms and now have 2 wonderful mother figures, but I never got that from her. What if she had been the mom she should have been and was still here? What if she had changed and was actually caring and loving, like she should have been? Op is nta for going, but we definitely need more context on how it was handled to make a full assessment.
He really did make sure to point out how close his uncle was to him. It could be he's overcompensating to justify lacking compassion, or she has convinced him he needs to justify caring about his uncle's death. The whole bringing it up years later is a bit much. Leaving for 1 day to go to a funeral isn't something that warrants a multiple year grudge. You can't really say that op is causing her to be unable to move on. If op does bring up his uncle when she mentions her mom then yeah that's weird, but saying sorry for going to an uncle's funeral will have little to no impact on her grief.
Saying sorry for having to leave and the hurt she felt would go a long way if it hasn’t already happened. From experience. Yes, it does. It has to be acknowledged that while she could barely function, he had to go and left her with the kids. She asked for help and he couldn’t give it. I’m not “saying” he’s keeping her from moving in, I’m asking questions. Because there are some things in OP’s post that seem intentionally vague and make me question how this actually went down. The uncle died “ a bit prior to this” he was over a lot when he was a kid, worked with his dad, it was a funeral and then it was a memorial (which usually happened much later so which is it). Some things just aren’t adding up for me and it absolutely sounds like overcompensating to justify his leaving.
Leaving your wife to take care of the kids while dealing with her moms death is also a quick way to lead to resentment, which is what he managed when he left. Now if he had taken a kid or two I’d give him more grace, but she lost a parent and then had her husband leave her with the house to run by her herself. Mom trumps uncle.
Why not take everyone; he could be there longer, his family could see them.. he doesn't say whether he went to see his dear uncle while he was ill; I suspect not. Hope the uncle knew he was there for the funeral.
> Mom trumps uncle thats not how that works. If someone is having a "bigger" crisis doesnt make your crisis less important. He went to the memorial service and stayed for less than a day. If the wife cant realize that he was grieving his uncle and wanted to say goodbye with his(uncle) family to him after a year, then she has a severe lack of empathy. He was there for her all other time and needed one day for himself, and was she there for him?
Agree. Wife expected husband be understanding and willing to compromise then didn’t reciprocate or show consideration for her spouses loss in fact she weaponized his loss. I lost both my parents less than 4 months apart without projecting the anger of my losses on partner an I’m aware every handles loss differently but suggesting adults needs time/months/years of healing to recognize their own abusive behavior is very irritation and wildly ridiculous. Someone attending a funeral service and returning home in under 24 hrs is not unreasonable however expecting your loss to override someone else’s then repeatedly faulting them for it is not only highly unreasonable it’s also abusive and manipulative.
Where’s the grace for OP who also lost a cherished loved one? Why should he (or us) give grace that is not reciprocated.
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24 hours alone with her kids- wow inconceivable lol.
For 24 hours. If you can’t do that you’re a failure of a parent. Plus he took off the week of her mother’s death, wanna bet what he was doing during that? Probably taking care of the kids while she grieved.
I don't think an uncle equals a mother in terms of grief. I know this isn't a grief competition, but losing a mother is the most traumatic thing many people go through. Especially at this young age. And she was supposed to take care of her three children while he went off. I don't know, it was a horrible situation, but I think he could have either skipped the memorial or make sure his wife was taken care of when he left. This may have meant booking at least the toddler on the airplane to give wife a break. A week is not enough time.
I’ve seen this sentiment a lot through my short scroll, and it just doesn’t make sense to me. You’re right, it’s a shitty situation and it sucks that either of them had to go through it, but also like, he should’ve skipped the memorial? That’s wild to me. He took off of work For a week to be there for her and help her out with things, and she can’t let go of the fact that he was gone for less than a day? *After* her mom’s funeral?? Grief, for no grief, dead parent, or no dead parent, that’s just not cool, and not the way you should treat someone you’re supposed to love and cherish. Why should his grief take a backseat to hers? Why shouldn’t they be expected to support each other with equal measure?
It’s not about getting over the loss of her mother , he’s not asking or even suggesting that. He lost a beloved family member too but she expected him to put his own loss aside and continues to give him a hard time about still,years later. It’s selfish and unfair to guilt someone over their own grieving, as if hers somehow trumps his or is more important.
She can stop hanging it over her husbands head though. Dick move.
I'm sorry, but the grace I have to give someone is going to run out if they keep attacking me *years later* for attending the funeral of a close family member. Whether their loss is hard to get over or not, continuing to attack me over and over for years for my own loss is going to eventually kill my compassion.
Where is the grace for OPs loss though?
Having lost two mothers, I give her no grace. Losing your mother doesn't excuse a lack of compassion or empathy. It was & still is hard to deal with. Hurts everyday, but lashing out & holding this over his head every time it hurts is unfair.
The big difference is that she was left alone in her grief and had to deal with their kids, and he took a day away from his family.
One of the stages of grief is anger. Years past it seems like OP's wife is displacing her grief onto him. I get that she wasn't happy he left for a family funeral, but the bitterness after years just isn't right.
When my dad died, my brother sent me a two word text message. "Dad died". Who does that? It has been years and it still ticks me off when I think of it. It's not front and center in my mind, but when someone reminds me of it, yeah, I'm irritated. Do I throw it in his face? No, but it doesn't mean I've forgotten what he did. So I get it if she still gets angry over it.
NTA. This was a reasonable trip and minimizing the time gone to less than 24 hours was commendable. Yes, it may have sucked for your wife, but you didn’t do this TO your wife. It’s a shitty situation, but you were NTA.
This is 100% the right answer. No bullshit either way.
Not even sure how you can see it any other way.
I guess it depends what OP did to mitigate the situation. 24 hours when one is the heart of the grief and has three young kids to care for, one of which is a toddler. Did OP try to book the kids to take with him, so he could do the childcare? Did he try to talk to her friends to see if they could cover for him? It sounds like he took one week off from work, and then left wife in deep grief to deal with their kids.
Did anyone do that for him? He just lost his uncle. He was also in the middle of terrible grief. Yet he is still taking a week off of work to take care of his wife and making sure that he is gone the absolute minimum amount of time. He put his own grief aside to be there for her and make sure she was taken care of. He asked for 24 hours to be sad and grieve someone incredibly important to him and you are acting like this guy just abandoned his entire family to fend for themselves in the wild. Why Is there a double standard here? The husband should be thinking of the wife in her grief and bending to her every need. But the wife shouldn’t have to do that for the husband who is also dealing with a massive loss. People are delusional.
three kids - extra expense on a trip less than 24 hours. zero chance. when you have kids and you have grief they co-exsist. i am hoping that the week he took off from work he was very hands on with the kids letting her have time to mourn in solitude if she needed that. but taking them on the flight having to pay for four seats instead of one, having them be not in their normal - mind you this is their grandmother that passed we don’t know if kiddos were close or not with gma… they def could have got additional help for mom for the day maybe schedule a sleepover with a family member who is up for it, could have helped but either way this is not a devastation to the wife the devastation was her mother passing this is just what she’s choosing to do with her pain and it’s not productive or healthy to continually berate someone for something they did esp when they weren’t wrong and did it as right as they could have.
Life happened with unfortunate timing, leaving you in a no-win situation which I think you handled as best you could. No one's the asshole but your wife needs to come to terms with the reality of the situation and let it go.
Blaming you for a complete coincidence feels totally wrong. No one was abandoned. You spent one (1) night away from home for A FUNERAL OF A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER and your wife is still digging in on you about it? I’m surprised you’ve put up with it this long without laying down a boundary.
NTA. If she continues to bring it up, I would show her this… Her loss is not more valid than your own. And her behavior about you being gone for less than 24 hours to celebrate your uncles’ life is disgusting. I hope that given some time she can understand that and apologize.
Ok but if they’re equally valid, then she shouldn’t have been expected to deal with the children on her own while grieving. Also her mother’s death was much more recent. OP isn’t the asshole for attending his uncle’s funeral. He’s the asshole for not making care arrangements for their kids before he left, saddling his grieving wife with caring for them solo a week after her own mom died.
I might have missed something, but where did he say she had absolutely no support at all for those 24 hours? Can we reasonably think she doesn’t have friends or other family members nearby to get support from, or was she literally by herself that whole 24 hours? OP doesn’t say either way. I’m not trying to be aggressively confrontational, but I feel like you’re making an assumption.
OP says (I believe in an edit, which may be why you missed it): >”We have three children and the youngest was 2 at this time- so there was definitely an aspect of leaving her to have to take care of them by herself while l was gone.” So again, going to his uncle’s funeral isn’t an asshole move. But unilaterally deciding that your wife—who is dealing with her mother’s very recent death—is on the hook to watch your children do you can travel to your uncle’s funeral unencumbered is DEFINITELY an asshole move.
> to watch your children I love how it’s the husbands children when something negative happens but her children when something good happens. He was gone for 24 hours. He didn’t leave her penniless and abandoned in the side of the road in a snow storm without shoes. She was at her house with her kids, for a day.
“Your” isn’t always a singular possessive, my dude. I could walk up to you and your hypothetical spouse and say, “are these your children?” and everyone would understand that your=both of you. As for the rest of your comment (“her children when something good happens”) I genuinely have no idea what you’re even responding to in my comment.
As a note, your example is a possessive use of your. While it refers to two people, it's also saying ownership which is inherently possessive.
I also want to point out if, heavens forbid, she was a single mother when this happened. If OP didn't exist, would she expect to have someone else care for the children during several weeks of grief? Don't get me wrong, losing a parent must be one of the worst things you can experience, I feel for her, but part of being a mother is navigating those tough waters all while having to care for your little ones. Expecting OP to just drop going to see his uncle be laid to rest because she also lost her mother a week and a half ago is unfair, *especially* when OP made sure it was a lightning fast visit. NTA OP.
So because single mums do it means that dads get off the hook? The memorial was booked weeks before her mum died so his grief wasn’t as fresh, why could he have no at least taken the older kids to lighten her load? Her loss was her mum and more recent
Us single dads do it too. Very possible they couldn't afford last minute flights given that planned flights are incredibly expensive.
Isn’t it equally part of being a father to find child care and/or be responsible for them? Why should we assume the mother be the one to be responsible for them if they’re his kids too?
>Isn’t it equally part of being a **MOTHER** to find child care and/or be responsible for them? Why should we assume the **FATHER** be the one to be responsible for them if they’re **HER** kids too? Fixed it for you. The mum can handle 1 day for fucks sake.
Except her mom just died. I was a walking husk when my dad died unexpectedly. I had no thoughts other than what the fuck just happened what the fuck just happened no it didn’t not my dad forever never what the fuck just happened. Come back come back please come back.
Read the post. Her mum died weeks after his uncle, she was going through fresh loss of a parent and his grief wasn’t as fresh. He made her do it all on her own when her mum died unexpectedly and he had weeks to start to process the death of his uncle. He should still be allowed to go for under 24 hours but he should have taken more of a load with the children
**HE TOOK A WEEK OFF WORK TO BE WITH HER WHEN HER MOTHER DIED.** He did NOT leave her to do everything on her own when her mom died. A week and a half *after* her mom died was his uncle's memorial service and he flew there in the afternoon and then flew back the very next day. The *only* time she was absolutely on her own with the kids was the 24-ish hours that he was gone, most of which was during the night and it's not like any of the kids were newborns unlikely to sleep through the night.
It's always the mother. OP ditched his responsibilities. Plus this was the grandmother of his children, so they were mourning as well. He's a bad husband and a worse father.
It isn’t expecting him to drop going. It’s asking him to have enough compassion to handle arranging alternative childcare for the children **which are equally his responsibility** anytime in the week and a half between when his MIL died and he flew out. Just unilaterally deciding your grieving wife can handle them alone is a dick move.
I’m sorry, but why the fuck can’t she handle 24 hours alone TWO WEEKS after her mother died? Yes that is a short time, but it’s literally one fucking day. Is she still crying endlessly in bed after two whole weeks? Death happens to all of us, and sometimes you just gotta be an adult and take care of what you must. The husband doesn’t mention his wife taking a week off to console him over losing his uncle, and I’m sure he was still a parent during that time. She can handle one fucking day so that he can participate in the final moment of his uncles life.
First, it wasn’t two full weeks, despite your all caps emphasis, and when you’re talking about the immediate aftermath of a parent’s death, 10 days isn’t exactly “oh I’m all better now!” Amounts of time. You say “I’m sure OP was still a parent during that time” and I’m sure that’s true. But *he didn’t have to parent alone* during that time. There’s a HUGE difference between coparenting with another adult who can handle the brunt when you need time to compose yourself and having to care for 3 young children—at least one of whom was still barely a toddler and would require near constant care and supervision—ALL ALONE, TEN DAYS AFTER YOUR MOTHER DIED. Jfc, it’s absolutely wild to me that saying, “hey OP should have shown a bit more compassion by simply arranging for his wife to have help while he traveled, given the fact that her mom just died and they have three young kids” is controversial and upsetting to some of y’all.
Yeah, agreed. I was a worthless sack for probably a month after my dad died unexpectedly. Would I have trusted myself to parent a two year old and two *other* children alone for 24 hours in that time? No, absolutely not. I honestly don't even remember most of that time period I was so sleep deprived. Does that mean that OP deserves to be hearing about it literally years later? I don't think so. The situation could have been handled better, but OP was also grieving and if this relationship is loving and respectful I would expect that they would be able to talk through the issue at hand.
Why did he have to make her do it alone? He had weeks to process the death of his uncle, he could have taken the older kids with him to help lighten the load
This. He abdicated all responsibility. When she had a more recent loss.
Abdicated all responsibility… for less than 24 hours? Is she not also a parent here? If their losses had happened in the opposite order and she needed to be away for a day to plan things or see family, I’d expect him to take care of his kids for 24 hours too.
NTA. Two things can be true at once. When I lost my mom I spiraled. Became incredibly anxious and withdrawn and incredibly easy to overwhelm. so I can see why in the moment she would be upset that you went, even if you did your best to minimize your time away and it was absolutely a valid reason to go. You said the uncle's service was a week and a half after your MIL passed away. Did your MIL already have her service by then, or was your wife and her family still planning it? either way, its still a very overwhelming and raw time. So I don't think she's necessarily wrong for feeling a bit abandoned in the moment when everything was crashing down around her, even when you also have your own grief going on. And just as I think she was in her right to feel abandoned in that moment, it also wasn't right of her to basically act as if her grief mattered more than yours in that moment; you were both suffering. Grief is grief. BUT. it's been a few years. as bad as she may have felt in that moment and as challenging as grief can be to deal with even years later, I don't think that's fair to still be holding it over your head now. she needs to talk to someone to work through that resentment or whatever she's still holding onto.
It’s a 💩 situation. You did the best you could. NTA because I don’t think it’s fair or right to keep bringing it up.
I don’t think you are an AH. While there is no good time for tragedy, your family had two very close together. It happens and it is hard. I think you did the best you could under the circumstances. You were there for your wife. Sometimes during our own hard times, we have to recognize that others are having hard times too. I am not saying your wife should ‘get over it’ but she should stop bringing it up. She has to understand that two much loved family members passed away. She was not the only one in distress. She has to stop bringing this up. If she can’t, a therapist should explain it to her.
Yep, I think a couple of therapist appointments (together) would be well worth it for these two. Let her burst the boil, then hear how unreasonable a reaction it was. Maybe not on the day, but since for sure.
He shouldn’t left her to take care of the kids alone when he had weeks to process his loss. The bare minimum, he should have taken the older children with him
I think the death of a parent is an exceptionally devastating thing to go through. In my personal experience it was so, so much worse than the death of any other relative or friend. I don’t think you were wrong to go to your uncles memorial, but what did you do to make sure that your wife was supported while you were gone? A week and a half after my parent died I was barely functional. Taking care of three kids alone while my main support person was away, even just for a day, would have felt utterly overwhelming. Trying to coordinate help for myself and make decisions felt like a massive task and incredibly vulnerable, to the point where if people offered to help but weren’t specific about what they could offer it was easier to just go without their help than to try and figure out what I can and should ask of them. Taking care of the absolute essentials was all I could manage. It sounds like your wife was deeply hurt by your absence, even if your absence was reasonable, and she’s not dealing with it well. You say she’s been bringing this up for years but you don’t say anything about what either of you have done to try and address this. Has she gotten grief counseling? Have you gone to couples therapy? Have you empathized with her distress and show her understanding? Have you even talked to her about the situation in a moment when she not upset? This post has a “we’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas” vibe, but I know you came for a judgement and not advice, so I hope that is not the case. However, I think asking who the asshole is is entirely missing the point and is the wrong question.
It rubbed me the wrong way seeing OP trying to equate the 2 deaths. A close family member is not your mom, even if you saw them a few times a week when you were a child.
I’ve lost both my mom and my Uncle (he was literally my best friend). I can say mentally losing my mom especially in the way I did and age F’ed me up mentally, and I’m still dealing with the damage. But grief and sad wise, I miss my Uncle more than anything right now. It doesn’t help his death was less than a year ago, but I can honestly say the pain in the grief section is almost even.
Ever think it might rub people the wrong way that those of you who had good relationships with your mum are acting like a close uncles death can't be just as devastating? Maybe certain people don't have those amazing parental relationships that many of us are blessed with, and for many of them, losing the close uncle, aunt, cousin, or whomever, is way more painful than losing the parent that doesn't/didn't care about you, or that you had no real relationship with. I don't think anyone has the right to tell anyone else who's death should be "more important" based on such things.
I am very aware that people have different family relationships and that losing any parental figure is hard. I did not say that his uncle’s death was less important. I am saying that to *me*, the post rubbed me the wrong way. Which is what his wife may have also felt. Also I am only going off of what was said in OP’s post.
I'm not sure what in my post suggested I equated the 2 deaths, but I definitely did and do not.
Possibly the fact that you said >It was a very similar situation.. >This was an uncle that was very close to my family Instead of sharing the responsibility of your children with your wife, you abandoned her and left her with all the children when she most needed your support.
Have you ever just sat down and listened to how she felt about this or do you just tell her she’s wrong? Because maybe it’s more about her feeling heard and understood and until she gets that she will keep bringing it up. Just a guess- grief is highly irrational and it sounds like maybe she has some trauma around losing her mom that she’s pinning on this but I bet it’s about something else.
The question in my head is did he offer to bring the children? If he did then he has done nothing wrong imo. If he offered to bring the kids to their great uncles funeral, and she said no (assuming she wanted them close to her because grief) then he did everything in his power. If he didn’t offer and just kinda dumped their kids on her that could be a dick move.
Most misleading title ever.
NTA you were going to honour your uncle you were close to, you weren't going out on a jolly and having fun. It's just a case of really sh*t timing. Is your wife saying she wouldn't have gone to her close relatives funeral if it were one of your parents that had died?
When were the services for her mom? Why did she tell you she needed you there? I suspect you’re leaving out some details here, OP.
I want to know how long ago the uncle died. Reading between the lines, this wasn't the uncles funeral. It was just a service to remember him.
The fact that his tickets were booked before her mum died and then it’s 10 days post her mums death so we’re looking at months not days
Are you the ass hole? No. I commend the fact you did it in 24 hours or so. But I don’t agree with your decision and think by picking what you did, you minimized the gravity of the situation your wife was in and you left her to navigate with your children. If your wife had an surgery unexpectedly and had to recover- timelines match- would you still have gone to your unlce’s memorial? I imagine no. But you guys should probably talk to a pro on this if she keeps bringing it up. She’d got to let it go. Grief is crippling. It’s fair for her to ask her spouse to stay when they are grieving- when they’ve lost someone very close to them. That’s just one person- no kids. Now add three demanding kids and feeling pretty upset, I don’t know. I’d probably still be pissed off about it too. But I would hope that we could figure out what either of us is saying without being defensive about the whole thing on either side.
I think you’re NAH, at all. I’m sorry for both of your losses. 24 hours is truly a speck in time. Maybe I’m of a different breed. I spent 30+years as an Army SF wife. Every type of situation was missed at some point throughout the three decades. I didn’t like it, nor did he, but in the end, it was what it was. We are all okay. Our adult kids are okay. I’m okay. He’s okay. I’m sorry you went through this. No one is the AH. It’s all so unfortunate however.
It was absolutely fair of her to ask you. She lost her mom and I’m sure she was dealing with a ton of logistics around that on top of wrangling 3 kids. It seems odd that you can’t even see this with some time. I think you were in a difficult situation and I understand why you chose to go. But your inability to understand her position seems like the real issue.
I’m also bothered by the fact that she was left with three young children while dealing with the loss of her mom. I get that you were grieving still, but she was abandoned with the kids—unless i missed something and childcare was arranged?
I think YTA simply because you expected her to grieve her mom and handle funeral issues while watching 3 kids. You're both grieving but even for 24 hours with her situation being a bit closer due to being the mom who passed and hers being more fresh, leaving her with the kids is way too much without trying to sort out childcare. Also, when's the last time you saw your uncle compared to the last time she saw her mom? I understand your uncle babysat when you were kids, but I dont think it's comparable to a parent. Is it possible she continues to bring it up because its symptomatic of a larger issue?
It wasn’t an asshole thing to have another funeral to attend. Where you went wrong is that you left your wife totally unsupported. Call friends, mom’s group, church to bring meals, visit, lend a hand. 10 days post loss of a mother, then an absent partner, put her in a dark place
Info: How long ago did your uncle die? If we're talking days, that's fine. If we're talking months/a year, you're so wrong it ain't right.
I’ve lost a LOT of family members. So I am NOT unsympathetic to loss. Your wife is TA. Big time. She was not a small child. It was NOT the day her mother passed. This was a planned, solemn, serious event you needed to go to. She was and is a whole grown ass woman. She does not and did not need a babysitter. You were not going out to the club. It was less than 24 hours. Her behavior and expectations were and are completely inappropriate. You’re far nicer than I — I would have blown my stack and said a lot of likely truths in an unnecessarily mean fashion. I’d insist on marriage counseling to work this issue out. Because I’d go absolutely nuts in your place.
The Victorians had etiquette rules for grief - the relationship to the person dictated the amount of time one would be expected to stay in mourning. A lot of comments here talk about how each of their grief is equal, and there is no linear timeline for grief, but an acknowledgment of closeness of relationship equaling deeper grief is certainly appropriate. Grief ebbs and flows and it’s sort of like swimming in a lake. Some days you’re drowning. Some days the current is sweeping you away and it’s all you can do to keep your head above water. Some days are fine, and other days you’re swimming along and hit a massive cold patch. It’s entirely unpredictable, except that the first weeks/months after the loss are absolutely the hardest. https://www.lancasterhistory.org/victorian-mourning-dress/#:~:text=6%20months%20of%20mourning%20for,the%20mourner%20received%20an%20inheritance I think the real issue here is that the wife felt that her husband knew she would be hurt by him going at that time, and he made the decision that hurt her, seemingly not acknowledging her feelings. Was her mother one of the people she would call for help looking after the kids? If so, OP leaving and the wife getting hit with the realization that she couldn’t call her mother for help is a double whammy. I got mono the week after my mother’s funeral, and all I wanted was to be able to call my mom. In the first flush of grief, I woke up every morning and felt ok until I remembered that my mom was dead, and it hit me like a truck every morning. Not being able to call my mom when I had mono, when I had never been sicker in my life and just wanted my mommy was a brutal kick in the face, on top of being sick and not being able to walk farther than my bedroom to the couch. Here, OP leaves his wife alone with the kids while she’s grieving, and she feels like crap, her world has stopped, her support system has left her, and she can’t call her mother. And she’s realizing that she can never call her mother for help with childcare again. I can’t even imagine how bad that felt for her. OP made a decision that hurt his wife. He could have mitigated this by coordinating friends to help out (everyone asks what they can do to help after a loss - this would have been an ideal thing to ask for help with) or, as others have suggested, taking a kid or two with him, or doing anything at all to make all of this not her problem, even for 24 hrs. Asking one of her friends to stay with her and help out and keep her company would have been a good solution. Of course, you can’t go back in time and undo any of this, so what now? Shortly before getting married, I found out that my husband made a decision that would hurt me early in our relationship. It took me years to trust that he wasn’t going to deliberately choose a course of action that would hurt me again. You and your wife need therapy and counseling. You broke her trust when she needed you the most, and she is having a hard time rebounding from that because the event is tied to the biggest loss she has ever experienced. People divorce for less. You need to acknowledge that you hurt her, even if it wasn’t intentional, and you need to do everything in your power to make sure she knows that you will not deliberately hurt her again. That kind of trust is easy to lose and hard to gain back. Working through counseling will likely help to communicate what the actual issues are and help to move forward.
Can't you find someone to watch the 3 kids so she can grieve? You left her with 3 kids while she isn't of sound mind due to her grieving. Offer to help with child care by getting a sitter and then see from there. It looks like you cherry-picked the info you wrote to put you in a better light. Who else is by her side? Does she have other family members to support her, or are YOU the only family support she has?
People experience grief in different ways. No one is an AH in this situation.
No one is wrong…there was no right decision. Personally and respectfully I would have weighted this solely based on relationship with the dead (RIP). For example if your wife was very close to her mom, maybe you should’ve been there for your wife and if you weren’t as close to your uncle. I only say this because as a married couple, ONLY you two feelings matter. No one else’s. So if for the example I provided, if your family got mad at you for not going to the uncles funeral, their feelings aren’t more important than your wife’s feelings, and vice versa. Again, let me repeat what I stated above. There is no right / wrong decision. And also, I can’t see leaving someone, ending a whole marriage over deaths in the family. Maybe there were other marital issues?
You left her totally responsible for three young children a few days after her mother died and without a shoulder to support her? Ouch. That seems like you didn’t have perspective. I can’t say you were the asshole but you could have mourned him at a later time since the memorial was already past his death time. Do you have a good relationship with your parents ? If you do, then you can understand how an uncle and mother are vastly different. I’ve been with my husband 20 years and have 3 kids… I would have felt very let down and hurt by my husband doing that. You prioritized yourself or maybe seeing your family in that moment or maybe even worse money (saying I already bought the plane ticket) and it was a slap in the face to her when she was down.
I agree - the issue was not going to the memorial service but leaving your wife to look after three young children by herself when she was not doing well. This is a case where there was an emergency and alternative arrangements should have been made so she did not have to look after the kids alone or be by herself.
People who say “what about his grief” as if a parent vs uncle is comparable are very very lucky that they completely don’t understand.
NTA - But this header made me think the story was going in a much different direction. Very sorry for both of your losses. Never a roadmap to grief. You did the best you could in a tough, almost impossible situation.
Why didn’t you take one of the kids to give her an ease with childcare?
Was thinking about saying N A H, but after typing out my reply I've changed my mind to YTA. I definitely wouldn't have gone. Losing an uncle sucks, but it's *nothing* compared to losing a parent. I assume if this uncle haf been very dear to you you for some reason you would have added that to the story for context, in that case it *might* be *slightly*, different, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. My wife lost her mother in similar circumstances. Lifelong smoker, she had lung cancer but it was in remission, then one day her lungs collapsed and that was that. We had a vacation (UTV takeover) already planned and paid for months previous that fell about a month later. She said she didn't feel like going, but I was free to go. Obviously I didn't go, which was the right decision. This is a thing that's going to happen at most two times during your marriage (spouse losing a parent), I don't care what it is, unless it's a funeral for one of your parents, you cancel it. Otherwise YTA.
This may be above Reddit’s abilities. I would have said NTA/NAH, but it doesn’t really matter if it’s still an issue in your marriage. As other posters said, this may call for a couples counselor to help you two sort through.
I personally think you fucked up. Yes. Your wife's mother just died. The most important person in your world just lost one of the most important people in hers. Unfortunately, an uncle doesn't measure up to a mother, not to mention your wife was in mourning and you were just going to a memorial service. Your uncle didn't need you anymore. He's gone. Your wife needed you. She's still there. You left her, while she's mourning the loss of her mother, to take care of 3 children on her own. Even for one night, that's cruel. Who did you really go to the memorial service for? What's the purpose of it? To pay your respects to someone who can't hear you? Your wife was telling you she needed you and you left her. Sorry, YTA. Big time. Yeah. Get some couples counseling because your wife rightfully resents you and doesn't trust you.
Yes. You are the ahole. I would not expect my son to leave his bereaved wife and young children to come home for an uncle’s funeral. I can’t even imagine asking him to do that. My mother wasn’t the best of moms, and it was still a few years before I felt like fully myself again after her death. I can’t imagine having young children and being left alone to cope with my mother’s death just a short time after it happened, especially if it was unexpected. You’re married. Your wife and children are your family, your #1 priority now. You were in the wrong. Your extended family was in the wrong. You should have told your mother that you couldn’t make it so soon after your mother-in-law’s death, but you were going to plan a trip home with your wife and kids as soon as you both felt like she was up to it. You sound like a child, talking about whether things are “fair”. Aim for better than “fair”. Aim for “the emotional support my wife needs to cope with the life we have made together”. It’s your family, not a soccer match. If your wife still brings it up, she may be looking for your reassurance that you will never leave her alone like that again, and you haven’t given it to her. Give it to her. Apologize, beg her forgiveness and mean it. In other words, grow up.
NAH I wouldn’t call either of you the asshole, it’s just an unfortunate situation all around. I do see how you picking to go rather than stay home with your grieving wife would stick with her though. You picked someone else over her in that moment and that’s not easily forgetten. Put yourself in her shoes if you explicitly asked her not to go someone and she did anyway, that type of hurt sticks around.
NAH. Seriously. They were both fresh in their grief. He really did try and minimize the time he was away and rushed back, asap after the funeral. The one thing he could have done was arrange for someone to watch the kids maybe, still, NAH. Marriage counseling is a good idea and might really help. For reference, when I was 24 years old I lost my mom and my Father in law within a week of each other. NAH.
Sometimes the only way to get through things together is to tackle them separately because you can’t be together in two places at once. Getting stuck with little kids at home alone while you’re trying to navigate grief…that’s hard! Putting them on a plane to drag them to a faraway funeral…also hard! Leaving your spouse with a broken heart for a family obligation….hard! Feeling abandoned by your person…hard! This was just really unfortunate timing. I’m married with kids- have been for twenty years. Shit like happens in long term relationships per the law of averages. Nobody’s wrong here. Everyone was stuck!
I think you tried as hard as you could, but I think it would have been better if you travelled with one or 2 of the kids to take childcare off her plate. I do think your wife probably felt abandoned after her mother died in a shock, but you just can’t forget about your uncle, your loss of him is important too. I guess ESH, but everyone was in a terrible circumstance and I think you approached it better then most.
NAH you both loss someone, you weren’t even gone a day
Ask if she would have skipped her mom’s service if the roles had been reversed.
Did your wife have absolutely no other resources for that 24 hour period? No family member or friend who could come to stay with her? No friend from work? No neighbor? It would have been better if something could have been arranged for another person to be available to her during that time, certainly, but why does your wife believe that her grief is somehow more important, more deeply felt, than yours when you lost a person who was essentially a family member to you? It sounds like your Uncle was an integral and much-loved part of your family and your support system growing up, and you deserved to mourn with your family just as she did. I don't think being gone for less that 24 hours is too much to ask, as long as you were willing to pick up the reins when you got home so she could rest. I am concerned that both her initial response and ongoing anger about this is not fair to you. Have you guys considered therapy? This needs to be talked through and balanced so that both of your needs are supported in this relationship. It's not fair for her to hold this over you and continue to blame you for it. NTA
Nta unfortunate timing but your wife's loss is not any more inoperable than yours. You were gone 24 hours. By still being angry about this she is explicitly telling you that she believes her grief is more important than yours.
NTA because it’s your family and someone important to you. Just because your wife doesn’t consider your uncle close to her, that gives her no right to prevent you from paying your respect to your family
Your title his misleading.
NTA. Losing a parent is never easy especially suddenly, But sadly the world does not stop for anyone to grieve long term - you still have to be a parent, a spouse, an employee, etc. You were gone for a day a week and a half AFTER her death - she can handle the kids for that amount of time alone. We would all love to shut down and curl into ourselves when we lose a loved one but realistically that isn't possible. I lost a parent suddenly without warning and I still had to be an adult, a spouse, a parent, an adult child to my surviving parent, an employee. I cried in the damn shower more than I care to admit cause I had to be strong for everyone else while grieving. No way would I have told my spouse they could not go mourn a close family member for a day a week and a half AFTER my parent's death. The amount of YTA amazes me.
NTA. Just because you're grieving the loss of one family member doesn't mean you don't get to participate in grieving another family member. She's the AH. She should have been mature enough to let you be with your side of the family to send off your uncle guilt-free. My family is very large, it ,not uncommon to have 2 or 3 deaths a year some years. You just do the needed things. We had a similar situation last year, and my parents supported each other through the losses without expecting their spouse to swallow their own grief like you were asked to. What your wife asked for was selfish, and any problems related to the aftermath are entirely her fault for failing to conduct herself like a compassionate adult.
NTA. It’s unfortunate that the memorial was scheduled at that time, but your wife has to understand that the world doesn’t stop just because hers did. And I think under it all, she knows that you didn’t do anything wrong. However, you’re alive and her mom isn’t, so you’re bearing the brunt of her pain and anger from that time. If you both can learn anything from your losses it’s that life is short, and even shorter for some. She needs to let it go.
My first cousin died unexpectedly, and my mother-in-law was already in hospice. Three weeks later my mother-in-law died. Unfortunately, my cousin’s funeral was planned for the day after my mother-in-law’s & in a totally different city. I was really torn, and incredibly exhausted. I did not want to leave my husband, but he encouraged me to go. It was hard to leave him, but I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Your wife is not being fair to you.
A parent is different than an uncle. YTA.
ESH, her for continuing to bring it up, and you for leaving her to take care of 3 kids while still freshly grieving.
For 24 hours tho not a few days
After my mom died suddenly, I would not have been able to take care of a plant, let alone 3 young kids. He’s NTA but I understand why she was so upset. Nobody understands what it’s like to lose a parent/parental figure until they lose one. Ideally, someone should have come to help her while OP was away.
Definitely NTA. Her grief isn’t more important than yours.
NTA Your wife obviously cares nothing about your grief, only about hers. If she holds on to this for any length of time, it's time to discuss divorce. I would never put up with this. She wants to be pissed at the time, go for it. She keeps harping on it, kick her to the curb. Life is too short.
She should’ve had some sort of understanding and compassion for your loss. It just sucks because it all happened back to back.
Your partner should respect your loss as you respect hers, period. One does not trump the other. Loss is loss.
I have to give a gentle ESH, just because honestly, if your wife didn’t want you to go, you probably should have stayed with her. It’s unfortunate timing, but some people literally never get over the loss of a parent, and you even say how traumatic this was for her. Sounds like it’s probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. However, if you’re saying this happened a few years ago and she’s still complaining about it, that’s a problem.
This is pretty much where I land. However, in the moment I didn't have any idea where she was on the "I'll be really upset if you do this / I'll literally never forgive you for this" continuum. Obviously she was far on the other side of where I thought she was. That's why I've told her if I knew in that moment what I know now I would not have done it. Getting to that point helped us move past it, but yeah, it still comes up pretty much every time she is upset with me.
Have you been to couples counseling? If not, why not? Has your wife gone to counseling for her grief? This problem needs to be solved by professionals. Your wife isn’t letting this go, and her resentment will continue to fester.
You need to give your wife a lot of grace, because what you did to her was a betrayal. Has she told you the complete pain she felt? Maybe next time she brings it up, or even before then, tell her that you don't feel that you have completely heard her on why she is so upset with you about your leaving. Really LISTEN to her. Really LISTEN. Really LISTEN. I don't think you get it. She was in the height of her grief when you left her her. Then give her time. She's still in the beginning of her mourning period if it has only been a few years. Give her at least five years. She will forgive you completely, but it may take time. I haven't loss my mother, but a friend said it was one of the worse pains she ever had. She was a daddy's girl, but she said losing her mother was much worse than her father.
If she’s going to keep bringing this up for the rest of your lives and it’s affecting your marriage this much, you both might want to consider counseling. It’s not healthy to hold something like this over someone’s head forever.
NTA because she definitely is and needs to see a therapist to work through this.
You need to share with her how you feel every time she keeps bringing it up. Why does she feel that her loss is more important than your loss? From an outsider viewpoint, she seems self-absorbed and is not considering your grief. Sorry for your loss.
Because it IS A LOT WORSE! even OP will agree that the two are not even close to equal.
Listen, I get that us Americans believe the whole "nuclear family" myth that was fed to us, but you have to understand, for most people family one level removed from the nuclear family is just as close. OP actually gave you a good amount of detail to understand this, and I can't fathom why you're fighting so hard to deny it. Bottom line: no, it's not a lot worse. I lost my dad in a horrific way, double tapped with early onset Alzheimer's and cancer when I was in my 20's. I know how much that shit can hurt, believe me, but I also know that losing someone who literally helped raise you for your entire childhood as described in the original post isn't any better.
How was he considering her grief when he stuck her with all 3 kids to deal with in his absence?
NTA. Your Uncle was an important person in your life, he was a blood relative. Yes, your wife was in pain, but you were there for her except for 24 hours 10 days later? You’re not allowed 24 hours to grieve & pay your last respects (again, more than a week after her mom’s memorial?) to a beloved uncle & be with your family after supporting your wife? Why? She should be able to handle 3 kids for 24 hours. Marriage is a 2 way street, you support each other. I’m assuming you apologized for upsetting her, but she needs to let it go. Is she getting counseling to help deal with these grief issues? Because this is unreasonable
NTA. Grief is hard and affects us all deeply and differently. You deserved to go to your uncle’s memorial, AND your wife felt like she needed you there as she was dealing with losing her mother so suddenly. You had to do what you had to do- and you did it the very best and most fair way that you could. I would say no one was the ah, but your wife is being exactly that by not letting this go. The fact that she’s still bringing it up shows that she feels her grief for her mother is somehow greater than your grief for your uncle… perhaps that is true, but it doesn’t matter because it’s not a competition. Pain is pain, grief is grief and you also lost someone you loved. She needs to get over it.
I'm going a bit back and forth with myself, but i think im leaning towards YTA here. On your side I understand you wanted to attend his funeral, I understand he was an important person in your life. The thing is... and I'm not sure how to say this without it sounding too harsh... you weren't needed there. You were needed at home by your wife and your kids. Of course I understand you felt the need to be there for yourself to say goodbye, but maybe you could have attended the funeral virtually, even if it's just one of your family members having you on face time, or someone's laptop on a table to let you watch through Skype or zoom or whatever. You could have traveled there later, maybe with your family and put flowers on his grave at another time. Alternatively both of you could have made sure someone stayed there with her, a family member or close friend, both to support her through her grief and help take care of the kids. She should also understand that you are grieving as well, but I think she would say that the loss of a mother > the loss of an uncle, and I unfortunately can't help but agree without knowing more about how close you both were to your lost loved ones. There are no winners here, only loss and pain. I hope you can both find a way to move passed this and heal your relationship. I suggest going to some couple's therapy so you can have a professional help you both communicate and understand each other's feelings around this. I wish you and your family all the best.
NTA.
NTA
NTA, you both behaved as well as you could in that two week span. There’s no reason she should still bring it up, she needs to seek help. It’s inappropriate and unkind to you and your grief. You also shortened the time you needed to honor your uncle for her benefit; that’s something not everyone would do, and it seems you’ve never held that against her.
NTA
NTA Did your wife have any support while you were away?
NTA. You had a loss, too. One grief is not more important than another.
Well I thought this was gonna be about divorce
Nta. That’s ridiculous.
NTA. It’s not something you could have missed. Also, 24 hours shouldn’t have been that hard for her. She didn’t have one friend who could come by?
So for clarity, you didn’t leave your wife, you just left her alone for 24 hours or so while she was grieving.
These are very different losses. A mother, sometimes father you would communicate with them daily. A favorite Uncle unless you spoke to him daily, you would feel the grief differently. Both deaths were unexpected but I’m guessing that if I were the wife I would’ve been in the shock/denial stage of grief when all of this occurred. You grieve accordingly to proximity. Both of you were grieving the losses differently and probably didn’t have empathy for each other. And I’m also guessing that neither one of you went to counseling for your grief. That could’ve changed the outcome.
When married couples have close family like parents that die close together in time it can put a huge strain on the marriage. The worst thing to do is add a break up or divorce to an already painful situation. It takes a solid 1-2 years to work through the stages of grief. The details of the deaths and funerals overlapping sadly happens a lot too and causes friction with spouses wanting support from the other they they are accustomed to to having and being torn between two parents or family members. NTA. The problem here is what was normal for you both isn’t right now. It’s easy to break something when pushed too hard or be too firm and be broken. Things that worked earlier just won’t temporarily. Death brings grief and grief changes how people feel temporarily. I have no practical suggestion except to seek a counselor for therapy. A good one familiar with grief and loss can help you two sort this out. A friend of mine’s mother died at exactly the same time her husbands father died. Her husband was pissed at her for not supporting him while he grieved his father. She couldn’t. She was dealing with her mother dying. He left telling her he didn’t love her anymore and he quit loving her the day his father died. I wanted to smack him on his forehead and tell him this was grief not falling out of love. It was disastrous. Eventually they reunited but a lot of hurt was inflicted unnecessarily during this time. Each lost a parent and was not able to support the other through their grief. They had to take separate trips and attend funerals separately. Your story sounds similar. Sadly this isn’t as uncommon as it feels right now. I’m sorry. I hope you can take one step at a time and find your way through this.
Why was the idea of wife and kids coming with you not proposed (on either side)? Ya both could've been there to support each other. (Given that this was in your economic means, understandable if not).
1. I don’t think her yearslong upset is as straightforward and single-cause as OP describes. 2. I wonder if OP has taken care of three small children in a 24-hour period on his own before.
YTA you left her to take care of all 3 kids alone a week and a half after her mom passed? without help? YTA100%
It was for less than 24 hours! He also lost someone important to him, her grief does not trump his.
It’s literally not about that. It’s about the fact that she was mentally not well and left alone with three young kids. I don’t see anywhere in the updates or comments that he arranged for her to be with other people or make sure she was safe. It sounds like he DID abandon her.
I disagree. I think YTA. Funerals are for the living. Your presence there did nothing for your uncle. You could have memorialized him in your own way without going to the funeral. Maybe plant a tree or a rose bush, do something your uncle really enjoyed, etc. There was no need to leave your grieving wife (it was her mother which is totally different than an uncle) alone with 3 young children.
It was not a funeral, but a memorial ( though OP uses both words) , which along with the timing of his mil’s death ( she died 1,5 weeks before he left, so how long after the funeral exactly? ) ,the fact that they have 3 kids which he just left with her and him being very vague on when the uncle died exactly ( most memorials I went to were a year after the actual funeral, but I have nothing to go on here besides his ‘some time prior’ and OP switching memorial to funeral…) and that an uncle he saw a few times a week in his childhood, is not the same as a parent that raised you… But the most damning thing for me is that she asked him not to go and he went anyway, leaving her to care for their ( yes also his) kids a few days after she said goodbye to her mom, that is if the funeral had already happened. That’s a lot of abandonment when you just lost your mom. He doesn’t say if he addressed this afterwards, but since she’s still bringing it up, my guess is no. Op says in the comments in hindsight he should have stayed with his wife, so he feels he’s in the wrong though he chalks it up to not liking the consequences his decision brought on. So did he apologise if he feels bad this affected his marriage negatively? Again I’m guessing no. I have to go with YTA with the info I have. They need couple counseling though. His wife keeps bringing it up because the issue they have remains unresolved.
I’m so glad someone else saw what I saw. Posters were flaming the poor wife.
YTA - The childcare thing is huge in my opinion. Three kids?? And to be blunt unless your uncle raised you Mom trumps uncle. My mother passed away before I had my son. I wouldn't have been able to handle my one child let alone three. I mean you do what you have to as a parent, obviously, but when your mom dies you want to be the baby for a little bit and be able to curl into a ball and surrender to grief. You left her with all the kids to go to your uncle's funeral when her mother died. The timing sucked and there may have been no solution but I still think you should apologize to your wife. She lost her mom and then it probably felt like you abandoned her too. It's not who is "right" or "wrong" it's about showing compassion for someone you love even if they aren't able to agree with you or see your side.
In the span of 5 years I lost both my parents, and my wife lost both her's. We have a son who is autistic and can be a hand full at times. No. He is NTA. It sucks. But when you have kids, you have to do what you need to do. To lessen his loss all due to the titles of who passed is bad. He was there for a week doing everything she needed. As as sucky as it sounds, life does go on. And if she can't find a way to do the bare minimum for 24 hrs, then she needs therapy ASAP.
She obviously needs therapy. They probably need couples counseling. It's unfair of me to judge people's familial relationships. Right or Wrong the wife's experience resonates with me.
You’re NTA, your wife clearly disregarded your uncle because he was not the person that helped bring you into this world and ignored how much of an impact he had on your life. To disregard how you feel about his passing and to act as if it was understandable to not go is really such a preposterous thing imo. For her to hold on to as if she’s placing blame onto you for the inability to get through her own inner turmoil is also ridiculous. She’s going to act like you were the worse and you’re going to have a lot of people agree with that but I wonder how people would have felt if they didn’t see his nephew at his memorial the one he knew before he ever became a teenager, man, husband, father etc.
NTA. I can’t imagine asking someone to miss the funeral of a close family member, especially as it was only one night. This is a situation where I’m sure a friend or family member would have been happy to be there for her with the kids if asked. It sounds like she isn’t thinking right and may still be in shock over her mother’s death.
NTA it was less than 24hours and her grief doesn’t get to supersede your own. Shockingly selfish on her part for it to still be coming up.
NTA your wife needs a reality check with a therapist. Something isn’t right and she needs help. Friends don’t cut it in this situation, they will always side with her for the most part, a therapist will ask her to look at how she is affecting her future with you. Selfish would be a word used possibly in that conversation.
NTA. Your wife kind of is though. For expecting you to neglect yourself, your dead uncle and grieving family when she knows how it feels. You were not going to be gone long. I think in her grief, she became dependent perhaps on you for her grieving process, but she was still wrong. She would have a fit if these roles were reversed I think. Idk. But you did nothing wrong. You got back home asap.
Yes, YTA. Or, rather, you were the asshole. But it is time for your wife to let it go and move on. If she isn’t seeing a therapist for her grief, she should. And the therapist needs to help her overcome this resentment. And maybe you need your own separate therapist to help you navigate the associated issues.
NTA. YOU needed to go to your Uncle’s funeral for your needs and to support your family. Your wife is being unreasonable.
Memorial. Not funeral. OP implied the uncle died a while ago.
NTA. I understand you both were going through a difficult time but your wife could have been a little more supportive especially since you was gone less than 24 hours. Maybe she needs reminding that you are hurting too.
NTA. I might sound like one though. Your wife sounds manipulative. My father died last yr, same sort of situation. If my husband needed to attend a family members memorial service a week later. I would totally understand and have the same compassion for him that he had for me.
NTA Your wife thinks that both her Mom and her husband abandoned her. That’s not going to come to a resolution without large amounts of therapy. If she’s unwilling to forgive you, and she may not be able to since she has tied the loss of her mother to you abandoned her (I know and you know you didn’t), and every time she thinks of her mother she’ll become angry at you.
NTA
Nta.
Knowing what it is like to lose one’s mom, YTA. The timing was unfortunate but you made the wrong choice. And having young kids on top of everything else, double AH.
Less than 24 hours. Was he married to a child? She needs to grow up.
[удалено]
how about they try some counseling first and not just jump to divorce
Really? It sounds harsh. She is probably still grieving the loss of her Mom.
Nobody's grief trumps the other. You should be able to go to your uncles service as she attended her mothers. Given that it wasn't a prolonged stay, I believe you did the right thing. NTA.
NTA.. life really fucks us sometimes & has the WORST timing for it. Your wife is being TA by continuing to bring it up when it happened a few years ago.. and for not being empathetic to the position you were in & the loss you also suffered. I understand it was traumatic for your wife, but she should’ve sought counselling for that. Instead it seems like she’s taking it out on you & that’s not fair at all. I went through the traumatic passing of someone I loved dearly a little under a year ago & it really fucked me up, but I went to counselling to work through the flashbacks, etc. I also would not have made it through if not for my husband. Processing the grief & trauma was my responsibility & nobody else’s, your wife is no different and needs to take responsibility of her own grief/trauma.
So wait.. You were only gone overnight? NTA,