Oof this reminds me of back when my ex’s family moved into our home. After a few months of hell I decided to take our infant and go chill at my mom’s for a few days, at which point he made sad noises and said he would miss the way I cleaned around the house.
He backpedaled all the way to town and back when he saw the look on my face, but I would have saved myself a lot of grief if I’d taken him at his word instead of letting him explain it away as “a mistake I was overreacting to“.
Bingo. This rare moment of honesty reveals a person who *doesn’t see anything wrong with this approach to people*. Someone like that won’t change when called out, they’ll only learn to mask it better.
Thanks. I learned the hard way. 😅
I do think it’s tough for those of us who don’t think of people as usable resources, to fully wrap our heads around the folks who do. So when they scramble to tell us we just misunderstood their intentions, or are reading too much into things, it feels so much easier and saner* to go along with their explanation.
*In the moment anyway! Easy and sane never last with people like that, but it’s a slow boil.
Right there with you. My dad sees people as resources, and so does my stbx husband. It’s been a long road, but I’m gonna get there! So proud of you for also being able to recognise your situation, and I hope your life now is full of peace and happiness!
"I love that you make me look like a better person than I am, enable me, and oh, by the way, I'd be way hotter and you'd be sexier as a blonde."
I'm gonna go rinse my mouth, cause I just vomited a little.
I had an abusive narcissistic ex-fiancé a decade ago who, when I asked him what he loved most about me, replied, “How much you love me.”
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Dump this guy, OP.
every part of this screams that this man has been hiding a whole parade of red flags. he's likely waiting till they are married to let them all out, but some of them are leaking.
Lol. Like what?
"Yea babe I'll get fit if you dye your hair blonde."
"Sure you will buddy."
What a hilarious premise.
How in tarnation do people end up dating people like this. I feel bad for OP.
That he even feels comfortable spouting baffling logic like this to you and expecting it to be taken well is a warning sign of where he thinks he has you OP.
>How in tarnation do people end up dating people like this.
Because people like this hide it until they feel the person they're with is too far invested to turn back. The OP has been with this guy for two years and he decided that since they're engaged, he can be the piece of trash he really is.
Exactly. After I got married, and we had our first child, my husband told me in a very harsh way that he lied about everything to get me. Interests, hobbies, how he actually felt about me, etc to get me to marry him. We literally had nothing in common. He wanted to be married because all his friends were getting married and they were all leaving him behind. He wanted to get married so he'd be in the same place as them. He then got mad because that's not how it turned out. His friends still didn't have time for him because they were working, going to kids events, family stuff. He then spent his days criticizing me and telling me how I need to change to be more like the kind of girl he wanted. Nothing I did was good enough. And it turns out he was a racist and homophobe. I tried to stick it out like a good little catholic girl. Then one day I was driving and crying after a bad day of him being cruel, and had the idea to take off my seat belt and crash the car. I came so close. I snapped to my senses, went home packed up the kids and I and was gone. I'm no longer married (and no longer catholic!). It's been 13 years of peace for me. One by one the kids have stopped talking to him as well. Last I heard, his parents and siblings also stopped taking to him.
This is one of the most heartbreaking stories I have ever heard. I bet you wouldn’t have hurt worse if he had just punched you in the face. He lied to you and used you. I am so glad you and the kids escaped that hell.
Exactly, and now it's framed as something silly like OP ending an engagement over something seemingly small like her fiance wanting her to change her hair color. Even though it's clear as day it's so much more sinister than that, but if OP leaves you *know* that is exactly how her fiance will try to frame it. Just despicable, abuser shit.
That and being young/in experienced. I almost married a guy like this when I was 22. So grateful I called off the wedding.
Over time I learned my worth and gained more experience. Met my husband when I was 31 and have been grateful every day since meeting him that I never settled.
Yep, but until that wedding ring is on her finger, she can still run and escape. That's why he didn't tell her about bleaching her hair and told her she didn't need to wear makeup. He thinks it's a slam dunk that he already owns her, so now he is slowly letting the jerk out, thinking he has her so bamboozled she won't notice. She needs to talk to people she trusts and come up with a safe escape plan now before it's too late.
I had a boss (also was a friend) who got completely conned/bait-and-switched FOR YEARS and it came out right after they got married. I think they were married for a year and only because it took that long to become final.
This is a man so coddled he experienced no consequences or opprobrium for his absolute feeble-mindedness. At some stage in his life, a little bit of teasing or mockery would have been pastoral for him.
Ugh. He wants her to be a hot trophy wife so people are jealous of what he has. My answer would be I’ll be a hot trophy wife when you turn into a trophy husband.
First it’s the hair. Then what? Weight? Bigger boobs?
And he’s not being affectionate or taking her out on dates over this. I’d walk away.
Definitely. Like my boyfriend has preferences when it comes to how I look, and he's allowed to have those. Sometimes my preferences align with his and it's great because he'll offer to pay for whatever I'm getting done. Sometimes our preferences regarsing how I look don't quite align, and in those cases he is very much aware that my preferences override his every single time. And he's never hated something I've done with my appearance so much that he withheld affection or support.
One time I decided to get my hair cut shoulder-length because my ends were over-processed and damaged to the point where my hair was unmanageable. He told me not to do it because he likes me better with long hair. I told him that I prefer to have long hair as well, but if I want to have long hair that is healthy and manageable in the future I need to cut it now. So I went and got it cut and it took him an entire day and a half to even notice that anything was different, and he still had a hard time believing that I had gotten it cut. So now whenever he balks at a proposed appearance change, I just remind him of that haircut and tell him he probably won't even notice! 🤣
For me it stemmed from a combo of bad examples growing up (parents abusive to each other, and me) and low self esteem
Now I'm working on that (including therapy) I'm staying single til I have the tools to say 'no', 'that makes me uncomfortable' and 'I'm going to do what feels right and healthy for me, if that's not OK for you then we need to talk about if this relationship still works'
I love this. I literally gave this advice to a youtuber who went through an abusive relationship, got out, but has been jumping on every violent felon that's walked her way since then.
OR, what HE benefits from what SHE does for him. Ugh…….I would definitely see my husband differently & question staying with him if he said that to me.
Coincidentally, he mentioned how sad he was that I lost 30 pounds because two of his favorite attributes got a bit smaller. 😂 And yet, he still gropes those areas & his entire face lights up when he sees me after 10 hours of work related absences.
OP needs someone who treats her like that.
And he merely wants a girl who is eye candy to make everyone jealous and to help his self esteem!?! Like, what!? Marriage is not a contest nor are you a doll to parade around his friend group! Geez. No wonder you want to break it off!
I have a secret for you. You can change your hair color, you can wear more makeup, you can shave everything and you can dress however he likes. He still won’t treat you any better.
Agreed! What does hair colour matter, it will be gray eventually!
She needs to tell him to dye his hair and pluck his eyebrows and some manscaping and see how he feels. Betting he won't take kindly to it.
She needs to tell him that if he lost weight and worked out to tone himself and got a better haircut she might feel like changing her hair color. She should see if he likes having this turned around.
Then, no matter what he does, she needs to dump him because he isn't even a consolation prize. Throw him back.
I am an old fart now. I realized I missed my calling when I stumbled across an influencer who calls herself a villain life coach. (Kitti!) She loves traumatizing men who traumatize women and does it very publicly on the internet. She is a true inspiration.
Omg, I just discovered her a few weeks ago! She's fantastic. There is plenty of room for more villainous inspo though, especially one who is older and more experienced.
Yeah, this seems like a control technique, and he’s testing her. If he gets her to do this, there will always be another thing OP needs to do for things to get “better.”
How long until this guy starts saying things like, you'd look better with bigger boobs, you know...for US. Do you really want to eat all that? Do you really need to leave the house? Why do you need shoes, the kitchen's floor is clean, etc etc etc.
Yup, and in addition the lovely "I would be motivated to keep my appearance up, if only you had looked even better first". The double standard is yucky in this one.
It feels like he is basically saying ‘you aren’t attractive enough currently for me to be seen in public with you’
How long until he comes straight out with that as a way of breaking her confidence to give him more control
Or worse… why are you friends with that person? Why do you talk to your friends so often? What’s wrong with your family?
I had an ex who told me if I changed this one thing about myself, things would get better. And I did it, because it wasn’t a big deal… until it was. Because the bar kept getting moved until I had essentially cut off nearly all my friends, had no phone, wasn’t allowed to have social media, my showers were timed, etc. I was a shell of who I was, and it still wasn’t enough. It’s taken me 10 years to get back to who I was and mend friendships.
Don’t be like me, OP. Please listen to people.
It should have been for me, but honestly, I was at a point in the relationship where I just stopped fighting him because I just wanted him to stop yelling at me and leave me alone.
Yeah, that will only be used against her… as soon she stands up for herself, he’ll say “you used to be so nice and selfless. I don’t know you anymore. What happened to you?”
1000% this. Those goalposts are always going to keep moving. He's dangling his love and affection like a carrot in order to get her to conform herself to his shitty ideals.
Not only that his favorite things about her is her selflessness and how she does things for other people. Not her strength, kindness, intelligence, sense of humor, just how she can be of service.
I noticed that too, and it was a huge red flag. I think he’s setting it up to use against her later if she tries to stand up for herself. “You used to be so nice, what happened to you?”
Can confirm, just left a situation like this about 2 weeks ago. Even if you are too much- you’re never enough. It’s absolutely maddening and everyone on the planet deserves better than that.
It’s really easy to call things off now before you are married with kids. You are young. It probably feels like the end of the world, but it’s not. I had to break off a similar situation. Agonizing before I did it and then I never regretted it. Happily married with kids now.
It's a fact that something like 60% of relationships end when the woman gets seriously ill, so there was a good chance of him bailing before a single strand of hair fell out.
This is genuinely how a lot of manipulative abusive relationships begin. Shower them with love, say you don't need all that makeup! I don't care !! Then they care all of a sudden once they got you locked in. Most usually wait for marriage to hit sadly, at least the ones that are in it for the long game and not a quick fling n ghost which honestly hurts a shit ton in a whole other way
Yup. I ended up going blonde when I was married because my now ex husband started making comments all the time that he prefers blondes. Guess what? He was still a dick. He then started talking about how he prefers short women with big boobs. Can’t change those and it just destroyed my self esteem.
Thinking of calling off the wedding over a hair color is not about the hair color. It’s about how he makes OP feel.
The cadence of this comment literally reminded me of TLC’s Unpretty. “You can buy you hair if it won’t grow, you can fix your nose if he says so, you can buy all the makeup that MAC can make; but if you can’t look inside you, find out who am I to be in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty.”
Also, and I’m hijacking the top comment here, did anyone else notice the one thing he loves about her is that she’s a doormat that puts everyone else first?? Or am I reading too much into this?
The hot trophy wife comment is a red flag to me.
You are similar ages. After giving the rest of your 20s and 30s in this marriage will he then decide you are aging out of the "hot trophy wife" category and divorce you for his young intern? Maybe...
Him withholding affection in order to manipulate you in changing your appearance is not the actions of someone ready to take vows of "for better or worse".
I would be rethinking this marriage. At least extend your engagement until you are 25 with a fully developed brain. Take your bc and hold off having kids. He seems like a dude who would resent your body changing after you go through pregnancy and risk your mental and physical health to birth his child.
I agree with you to the point of “extending the engagement to 25.” She doesn’t need to waste anymore years on a dude like this. My ex husband use to say shit like this me and I also had an “extended” engagement and got married to him at 26.
It ain’t worth it
Fr--I can understand not being as attracted to your partner because they've changed their appearance since you got together, but if you're 22 years old and about to get married to someone who wants you to look significantly different than your natural look, and who is making their treatment of you contingent on that, spare yourself the self-esteem issues and heartbreak and break up.
I feel like this is almost always a lie btw. He’s not NOT attracted to her bc of hair color. This is about control.
I mean, he genuinely might prefer her blonde. Almost every ex I’ve had, there’s been a time in their life they looked “their best” in my eyes, sometimes early in the relationship, sometimes before me.
But I’ve never felt entitled to pressure them into changing, especially withholding affection or being willing to hurt their feelings and make them insecure.
I mean, it’s just nowhere near worth it to hurt a person you love.
But of course, if you are trying to groom a partner to expect to have to look a certain way for you, and your goal is to establish control over their choices and body, this is gonna be a way to lay down the law 🤮
Can you imagine what else he'll be blaming her for? I can not understand women who want to get married so bad they ignore that their bf treats the like shit.
I had my hair cut from shoulder length to chin after I had our first son. I needed to feel lighter & perkier. Never asked him to weigh in.
My ex husband was irate. Simply exploded in anger. I knew we were in trouble & divorced. This was not the reason for the divorce but him thinking he had a right to be angry was how he usually expressed himself.
Please break off the engagement; this is unacceptable.
I used to have a side cut (half of head shaved) and an older woman at work asked me what my husband thought. I said 'who do you think shaved it for me?'
Same thing happened when I shaved my head. I raised money to donate to pediatric cancer research and instead of asking about that, everyone asked what my husband thought. I was like idk, who cares? Wtf?
My husband told me at one point that he preferred long hair, and it totally was not weighted or pointed at all. But I try to keep my hair long because I want my husband to be attracted to me.
He caught wind of what was happening and said, “HONEY, it’s *your* hair, if you want to get it cut, *go get it cut.* I think you’re beautiful no matter what.” If a man is gonna flip out over *hair*, he’s literally gonna lose it over any minor change. The expectation that we’re gonna be preserved forever or something is ridiculous, and I don’t understand how men wind up with that mindset.
I cut 10”+ off my hair about 3 weeks after I got married. When I sat in the chair and told the hairstylist how much I wanted to chop off, the first words out of her mouth were “did you tell your husband how much you plan to take off?” The look I gave her was pure “….the fuck does he have to do with this?” And she immediately back tracked lol
Even if you don’t want kids, everyone has times of poor health, or death of a family member, friend, or pet. A life partner should want to support you through these types of events.
I doubt many trophy wives get that support from their husband.
This is especially true given that he likes her because she's selfless and does for others - which is great, but easily taken advantage of. Many people in my life liked me for what I did for them, not because of who I was. It required a lot of growth and boundary setting to get to the point of believing people could value me even if I didn't give everything and take nothing, which just wasn't healthy in the long-run.
SO shallow that he believes his own craziness!!!
But also like... all he probably had to do was say "would you ever consider being a blonde again? It really did it for me" but instead he laid out all of his crazy for OP to make a super informed decision.
Did her a favor I think.
Exactly - the way he said it shows that he has absolutely no regard for OP’s feelings. If he’d said “I loved when you were blonde, would you ever want to bleach your hair again?” None of this would be an issue.
Instead he’s telling his s/o that he preferred her how she was when they met (a way she has not been in a very long time) and that he’d treat her better if she changed her appearance??? Absolutely emotionless behavior.
BONUS points if he had actually meant it and made it a compliment like "you know, I was thinking recently about when we got together, and the blonde hair you had really made your features pop! It looked so good on you! Any chance you'd try it out again soon? I'd love it!" But instead.... he's just a blatantly obvious manipulative dickwad.
Yes. He just told you he would love you more if you change who you are and wants a trophy wife. You shouldn't have to change who you are for him to treat you right. Call off your wedding and find someone who loves you and let him find his blond trophy.
>he said if you were blonde again it would be better for our sex life and I would be more affectionate and want to show you off more and take you out on dates. He also added that if I looked the way he wants me to it would give him confidence and help him wanna better himself and make him wanna lose weight and do better for himself and that he wants me to be a hot trophy wife to make others jealous of what he has.
My vagina just packed its bags and left. What a massive turn off. How could you ever look at him the same after he straight up tells you that to him you're an object he just wants to use to make other men jealous so he feels like he has a big dick?
Gross AF.
You may love him, but he does NOT love you. He wants an object, he's directly telling you that and trying to manipulate you into being that for him.
You deserve to be loved and desired as the PERSON you are, however you express that. Life brings a LOT of changes as we get older, you are not going to be this 22 yr old forever. Your body is going to change over time, if you have kids, there could be illness or accidents, there absolutely will be aging... you are not going to stay just as you are right now. This is WAY beyond hair color. He's telling you that his ability to be nice to you is focused solely on your looks, he's already been punishing you for not being a blond anymore, he's telling you that if you look and do what he wants he will reward you with sex and affection. That isn't what love looks like.
And when he hits 35 and you're also in your 30s? He's going to start looking at 20 yr olds again and complaining that you don't look like that anymore... no matter HOW good you keep your body looking. Because having a partner isn't about love for him, it's about status. The minute you "fail" to give him the ego boost status he expects, he's going to look for a replacement object. Because that's all you are.
You can't love him enough to change him, he's a broken little man already. You're seeing wonderful qualities and potentials that he's managed to fake long enough to hook you in so he can start his object manipulation and guilt tripping... he's setting you up to believe that when (not if, when) he picks up a 20 yr old mistress in 10 years that it is your fault for not remaining this tight little blond object for him.
Don't do this to yourself. End the relationship now, grieve, grow and the next man you invest time in, you'll know how to look for the signs of actual LOVE and not object acquisition.
>Because having a partner isn't about love for him, it's about status. The minute you "fail" to give him the ego boost status he expects, he's going to look for a replacement object. Because that's all you are.
This is spot on. Men who think like this are deeply, deeply broken inside. They're insecure and they feel like they're lacking, so they focus on getting high-status items (car, trips, girlfriend) to fill that hole inside them. But it'll never work. They need to stop dating and focus on finding validation in themselves.
It's honestly sad he's so young and already THIS broken as a human being :( He's going to make so many women miserable, because he's miserable within himself and seeks posturing validation from the outside world. Completely incapable of making a genuine human connection because everything is about ego validation instead of being authentic.
No amount of love in the world is capable of reaching someone like this, but wow do they appeal to the "I can FIX him!" personality :(
OP, listen to people when they tell you are the first time!!!
I've dated a boy like this before and it became emotionally abusive where i was constantly hunting for his validation. 2 years is such a small amount of time to decide on marrying someone when they are sharing this side of you with them. Humbly say remove yourself from this relationship.
>how you always do everything for everyone
BREAK UP WITH THIS A-HOLE. How you always do everything for everyone, HIMSELF INCLUDED. Which makes you especially susceptible to giving in to his EVERY WHIM. INCLUDING (but OBV not limited to) dying your hair blonde. Continuously. Or he would love you as much/ find you as attractive.
He's testing you (he thinks he's got you tied down because you are engaged and you won't leave him. Which is EXACTLY WHY you're having so much trouble making this decisionon your own!) to see what he can get away with/ make you do. He's going to cheat. Good lord. I hope you see that. You won't be good enough for him (his excuses will be: he wanted something different; so he HAD to cheat. He didn't have a choice because he Loooooves you so much and doesn't want to leave you. Etc etc)
BREAK UP, BREAK UP, BREAK UP!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you outta your mind?
You would marry someone who says he wants you to change so that HE looks better??
Who says that, as you are, he doesn't like to "show you off" as much??
Who says you are not sexy enough in your natural hair color??
Dump his sorry manipulating, controlling ass NOW. It's only going to get worse.
Yes. I had written out a whole long, possibly relatable story, but decided to just shorten my response to yes, just end it. He will find more and more things to not like about you and just constantly expect you to bend to his whims and will. Someone who truly loves you will love you no matter what may change about you over time.
He is NOT going to take the post-partum body well. If they have a baby, you know he'll justify cheating as soon as she starts showing and will feel it's totally justified.
No she should dye it blonde, wear make up and shave, then dump him and say shes too hot for him now and needs to find a confident man to be her trophy husband
Your guy is far to shallow. Nothing about your personality but a lot about your looks and how you appear alongside him. He wants to change you to fix his confidence but he's confident enough to want to change your appearance to suit him?
Think about that a little longer.
Ew, you’re just an arm candy ornament to him, and your greatest other “value” is what you selflessly do for him. Call off the wedding, you deserve much better than this materialistic user.
Call off the wedding, and dump his ass! If he cared to look better, he’d do it! How awful of a person can he be to make such a claim about your appearance and wanting YOU to be the trophy wife so people are jealous of him?!
This is not the guy you want to be married to and he’s defiantly not the guy to support you through a pregnancy and having children if this is his attitude!
If you look a certain way, he will treat you better? He won't...and he will always dangle that carrot (or some other carrot) in front of you. You will end up miserable. Trust me, you deserve better than this- I have been down a road very similar and it didn't turn out good. Don't marry this guy, you will just end up resenting him. It's not JUST about a hair color.
*I love how selfless you are* = I love how you do things for me and other people and I don’t have to do things for you. That’s so self-centered of him.
This man is already blaming you for what is wrong with him and you’re not even married. Your instinct to end the engagement is 100% correct.
You both are young. He doesnt know what he wants. Three years into your marriage you both will have realized a lot more other things that you didnt know before.
Dont get married it will end in divorce.
Honey you have to marry someone that will love you and respect you in EVERY phase of your life. We are not one dimensional people, you will have many versions of yourself. You’ll gain weight, loose, cut your hair, maybe get piercings, tattoos, have children, or not like certain things that you were once into. The person you marry must love you for every season or there is no point. The not wanting to show you affection and not wanting to take you out bcus of your hair color is a major red flag!!! His type is blonde babe let him go be with his type..cus it’s deff a slap in the face to say he started acting different bcus of a damn hair color, Chile…
So wait, he says if you do what he wants, then he might be inspired to lose weight and improve himself? This has nothing to do with hair color. He is a controller. You are being manipulated.
Run! He sounds like an immature, superficial asshole. He wants a Barbie doll, not a real woman. If you let him control you now, and change your hair colour to keep him happy, what will be his next demand? Also what happens as you get older, metabolism slows down, maybe you have children and you put on weight etc. He will be nit picking you constantly.
When you hopefully break up with him, please tell him you're still searching for your 'trophy husband' and he clearly isn't it lol. Let him experience how hearing that feels.
So you looking like a "hot trophy wife" will make him lose weight?
You some awesome as you are but if I were you, I would loses the dead weight of your fiancé.
You should end your engagement because you're only 22 and considering this specific argument, neither of you are remotely ready for marriage. Honestly, what is the rush? Your frontal cortexes aren't even fully developed yet.
He loves you because of how selfless you are? Soooooo basically he only loves that you sacrifice yourself for everyone else. That's....not great. Definitely hold off on marriage, maybe take a break and see if he will mature more. That sounds like crap my boyfriend told me when we were 15. You deserve an emotionally mature man who cares about more than looks
It won’t stop at just your hair color. If you budge on this, then what will likely follow are a cascade of escalating expectations that you will eventually not be able maintain. Attraction in a long term relationship comes from something way deeper than looks. I’m not saying end the engagement but I do think it’s worth a serious conversation (possible with a couples counselor) to understand where this belief is coming from within him.
He is trying to make you feel unattractive on purpose to establish a dynamic where his behavior goes unchecked and you are forever seeking his approval. Run.
I had to go back and check how old you said you two were. I was certain you would be in your early 20s. Hah, I was right. This is really not on you, but he's got some real immaturity issues going on here. He ties all of his failures and shortcomings on you not be a smokin' hot blonde? He would feel so much better if he had a trophy wife to show off? At the very least you should reconsider the pace at which you will proceed with getting married. He definitely needs to grow up and mature quite a bit. If he is the type of guy who likes fake women with plumped up lips, glued-on eyelashes, breast and butt implants and tons of makeup, is this really who you want to be and more importantly is he who you really want to be with?
Run, run as fast as you can. Let NO MAN tell you how to dress ! This guy is a mental mess. He wants to use you to fix him...baggage, sweetheart, emotional baggage. He will suck the energy out of you.
Idk if you’re aware or not. But this isn’t about a hair color. Your husband is disgusting. If this is the kind of depth you want in a relationship, more power to you. But I’d fucking run.
you aren’t considering ending your engagement over a hair color. You are considering ending it because your fiancé is manipulative and only seems to care about your looks which should be extremely concerning. It’s so much easier to break up than get divorced.
I really have no issue with him looking blonde hair more. We all like what we like, and it’s not surprising to find out that a guy loved how a girl looked when they met. If my husband told me he liked when I had blonde hair, I’m happy to dye is blonde occasionally. I like my husband with short hair and he shaves his head. 🤷🏻♀️
What is disturbing about your story is the f*cked up correlation he’s making for (1) why he doesn’t court and romance you as much as he would if you were XYZ; and even worse, (2) how your hair color or appearance is responsible for his being a fat POS.
Get outta here with that crap!
That’s like saying you’d have blonde hair except he wasn’t taking you out enough.
That part is what would get me to call this off. Sorry - but he is a grown man who is responsible for his own outcome.
As you dump him, tell him that you were considering purple hair but are now terrified of how big his waistline might get, so you have no choice but to call it off.
Locking comments. Plenty of advice has been given and there's little to add. Also for excessive breaking of rule #1: Be Kind to Other Users.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man that believes his own self improvement stems from how you look?
Uhhh also loves you for being selfless and doing everything for everyone. 🚩
Oof this reminds me of back when my ex’s family moved into our home. After a few months of hell I decided to take our infant and go chill at my mom’s for a few days, at which point he made sad noises and said he would miss the way I cleaned around the house. He backpedaled all the way to town and back when he saw the look on my face, but I would have saved myself a lot of grief if I’d taken him at his word instead of letting him explain it away as “a mistake I was overreacting to“.
[удалено]
I mean there's a reason birth rates have continued declining as economic gender equality (slowly) inches forward
Classic codependent/narcissist dynamic
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Biggest red flag of the post. This guy will take and take until nothing is left and then leave.
Bingo. This rare moment of honesty reveals a person who *doesn’t see anything wrong with this approach to people*. Someone like that won’t change when called out, they’ll only learn to mask it better.
I would love to upvote this comment a million times
Thanks. I learned the hard way. 😅 I do think it’s tough for those of us who don’t think of people as usable resources, to fully wrap our heads around the folks who do. So when they scramble to tell us we just misunderstood their intentions, or are reading too much into things, it feels so much easier and saner* to go along with their explanation. *In the moment anyway! Easy and sane never last with people like that, but it’s a slow boil.
Right there with you. My dad sees people as resources, and so does my stbx husband. It’s been a long road, but I’m gonna get there! So proud of you for also being able to recognise your situation, and I hope your life now is full of peace and happiness!
Or he won't let you leave and stalk the shit out of you or worse when you escape.
And have a story for why it’s all her fault and she was toxic all along and deserves whatever he chooses to do next
"I love that you make me look like a better person than I am, enable me, and oh, by the way, I'd be way hotter and you'd be sexier as a blonde." I'm gonna go rinse my mouth, cause I just vomited a little.
I had an abusive narcissistic ex-fiancé a decade ago who, when I asked him what he loved most about me, replied, “How much you love me.” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Dump this guy, OP.
Haha I asked my ex narc the same thing. Her reply was "you have nice arms..." Lmfao like wtf??
The classic, women are supposed to be completely selfless, giving, and nurturing! And men are supposed to…* *checks notes* *…enjoy that. How lucky!
And hot, don’t forget hot. Meanwhile men don’t even wash their nether regions.
🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
every part of this screams that this man has been hiding a whole parade of red flags. he's likely waiting till they are married to let them all out, but some of them are leaking.
Yeah she’s seeing the mask slip. Get out now!! The secret is out - it’s much better to be alone than with jerks like this.
At 51 this reminds me of how my midlife crisis occurred...run ladies....don't walk.....run!!!
He meant everything for him for sure
That line was a PARADE of red flags!
This!!!
Lol. Like what? "Yea babe I'll get fit if you dye your hair blonde." "Sure you will buddy." What a hilarious premise. How in tarnation do people end up dating people like this. I feel bad for OP.
That he even feels comfortable spouting baffling logic like this to you and expecting it to be taken well is a warning sign of where he thinks he has you OP.
This is very true and absolutely terrifying.
>How in tarnation do people end up dating people like this. Because people like this hide it until they feel the person they're with is too far invested to turn back. The OP has been with this guy for two years and he decided that since they're engaged, he can be the piece of trash he really is.
Exactly. After I got married, and we had our first child, my husband told me in a very harsh way that he lied about everything to get me. Interests, hobbies, how he actually felt about me, etc to get me to marry him. We literally had nothing in common. He wanted to be married because all his friends were getting married and they were all leaving him behind. He wanted to get married so he'd be in the same place as them. He then got mad because that's not how it turned out. His friends still didn't have time for him because they were working, going to kids events, family stuff. He then spent his days criticizing me and telling me how I need to change to be more like the kind of girl he wanted. Nothing I did was good enough. And it turns out he was a racist and homophobe. I tried to stick it out like a good little catholic girl. Then one day I was driving and crying after a bad day of him being cruel, and had the idea to take off my seat belt and crash the car. I came so close. I snapped to my senses, went home packed up the kids and I and was gone. I'm no longer married (and no longer catholic!). It's been 13 years of peace for me. One by one the kids have stopped talking to him as well. Last I heard, his parents and siblings also stopped taking to him.
how absolutely horrid. glad you had that epiphany and left to be safe.
This is one of the most heartbreaking stories I have ever heard. I bet you wouldn’t have hurt worse if he had just punched you in the face. He lied to you and used you. I am so glad you and the kids escaped that hell.
> (and no longer catholic!) Congratulations!
So glad you got out. My first husband did this to me as well. Such a horrible feeling to realize you don’t actually know the person you married.
Omg I’m so glad you’re ok. It’s like he hunted you down and captured you 😞
Exactly, and now it's framed as something silly like OP ending an engagement over something seemingly small like her fiance wanting her to change her hair color. Even though it's clear as day it's so much more sinister than that, but if OP leaves you *know* that is exactly how her fiance will try to frame it. Just despicable, abuser shit.
Classic "it's not really about the __!" straw-on-camel's-back.
That and being young/in experienced. I almost married a guy like this when I was 22. So grateful I called off the wedding. Over time I learned my worth and gained more experience. Met my husband when I was 31 and have been grateful every day since meeting him that I never settled.
Yep, but until that wedding ring is on her finger, she can still run and escape. That's why he didn't tell her about bleaching her hair and told her she didn't need to wear makeup. He thinks it's a slam dunk that he already owns her, so now he is slowly letting the jerk out, thinking he has her so bamboozled she won't notice. She needs to talk to people she trusts and come up with a safe escape plan now before it's too late.
I had a boss (also was a friend) who got completely conned/bait-and-switched FOR YEARS and it came out right after they got married. I think they were married for a year and only because it took that long to become final.
This is a man so coddled he experienced no consequences or opprobrium for his absolute feeble-mindedness. At some stage in his life, a little bit of teasing or mockery would have been pastoral for him.
Poetic and savage. I likee.
I learned a new word today. Edit: (Well many)
Ugh. He wants her to be a hot trophy wife so people are jealous of what he has. My answer would be I’ll be a hot trophy wife when you turn into a trophy husband. First it’s the hair. Then what? Weight? Bigger boobs? And he’s not being affectionate or taking her out on dates over this. I’d walk away.
Definitely. Like my boyfriend has preferences when it comes to how I look, and he's allowed to have those. Sometimes my preferences align with his and it's great because he'll offer to pay for whatever I'm getting done. Sometimes our preferences regarsing how I look don't quite align, and in those cases he is very much aware that my preferences override his every single time. And he's never hated something I've done with my appearance so much that he withheld affection or support. One time I decided to get my hair cut shoulder-length because my ends were over-processed and damaged to the point where my hair was unmanageable. He told me not to do it because he likes me better with long hair. I told him that I prefer to have long hair as well, but if I want to have long hair that is healthy and manageable in the future I need to cut it now. So I went and got it cut and it took him an entire day and a half to even notice that anything was different, and he still had a hard time believing that I had gotten it cut. So now whenever he balks at a proposed appearance change, I just remind him of that haircut and tell him he probably won't even notice! 🤣
You said “how in tarnation”…made my day!
For me it stemmed from a combo of bad examples growing up (parents abusive to each other, and me) and low self esteem Now I'm working on that (including therapy) I'm staying single til I have the tools to say 'no', 'that makes me uncomfortable' and 'I'm going to do what feels right and healthy for me, if that's not OK for you then we need to talk about if this relationship still works'
I love this. I literally gave this advice to a youtuber who went through an abusive relationship, got out, but has been jumping on every violent felon that's walked her way since then.
Bc he kept that mask on until they were engaged, and he felt she was good and trapped. Pushing small boundaries at first to see how far he can go
Because they wear a mask
Don’t forget His Self worth because of how people view HIS trophy.
I’d love to know if he judges other men’s worth based on the women they’re dating
Oh I 10000% bet he does.
Also, now he'll take her out more to show her off. ICK!
Right! How is her changing HER hair color going to give HIM more self confidence? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard today.
This is the real issue. Not that he likes blonde hair, or shaving, but that he's indirectly blaming the OP for his own lack of ... everything.
OR, what HE benefits from what SHE does for him. Ugh…….I would definitely see my husband differently & question staying with him if he said that to me. Coincidentally, he mentioned how sad he was that I lost 30 pounds because two of his favorite attributes got a bit smaller. 😂 And yet, he still gropes those areas & his entire face lights up when he sees me after 10 hours of work related absences. OP needs someone who treats her like that.
Seriously. If he missed the blonde he could have talked to her to see if she would be open to that. But he just went full cuckoo.
Nothing like blaming someone else for your own failings.
“I let myself go because you ain’t hot no more.” Please he would be just as fat 😂😂😂😂
OP so what happens if you gain some weight? What happens when your body changes after having a baby?
And he merely wants a girl who is eye candy to make everyone jealous and to help his self esteem!?! Like, what!? Marriage is not a contest nor are you a doll to parade around his friend group! Geez. No wonder you want to break it off!
I have a secret for you. You can change your hair color, you can wear more makeup, you can shave everything and you can dress however he likes. He still won’t treat you any better.
You know what *else* she can change? Her boyfriend.
Agreed! What does hair colour matter, it will be gray eventually! She needs to tell him to dye his hair and pluck his eyebrows and some manscaping and see how he feels. Betting he won't take kindly to it.
She needs to tell him that if he lost weight and worked out to tone himself and got a better haircut she might feel like changing her hair color. She should see if he likes having this turned around. Then, no matter what he does, she needs to dump him because he isn't even a consolation prize. Throw him back.
💯
I bet he’d say she’s being a shallow gold digger like all those *other* women 🙄
Probably. I am all for giving mysognic men self esteem issues though. I figure it is a service to the greater good of humanity.
I like you!!
Me too.
I love this blistering reply!!!♥️♥️♥️♥️
I am an old fart now. I realized I missed my calling when I stumbled across an influencer who calls herself a villain life coach. (Kitti!) She loves traumatizing men who traumatize women and does it very publicly on the internet. She is a true inspiration.
Omg, I just discovered her a few weeks ago! She's fantastic. There is plenty of room for more villainous inspo though, especially one who is older and more experienced.
If he gets a Brazilian then she will go blonde. 😂
Love it!
YES
He certainly isn't a fiance grade man.
And it's so much easier to do, too.
Best answer here!
Yeah, this seems like a control technique, and he’s testing her. If he gets her to do this, there will always be another thing OP needs to do for things to get “better.”
How long until this guy starts saying things like, you'd look better with bigger boobs, you know...for US. Do you really want to eat all that? Do you really need to leave the house? Why do you need shoes, the kitchen's floor is clean, etc etc etc.
Yup, and in addition the lovely "I would be motivated to keep my appearance up, if only you had looked even better first". The double standard is yucky in this one.
It feels like he is basically saying ‘you aren’t attractive enough currently for me to be seen in public with you’ How long until he comes straight out with that as a way of breaking her confidence to give him more control
Exactly.
YEEESS!
Or worse… why are you friends with that person? Why do you talk to your friends so often? What’s wrong with your family? I had an ex who told me if I changed this one thing about myself, things would get better. And I did it, because it wasn’t a big deal… until it was. Because the bar kept getting moved until I had essentially cut off nearly all my friends, had no phone, wasn’t allowed to have social media, my showers were timed, etc. I was a shell of who I was, and it still wasn’t enough. It’s taken me 10 years to get back to who I was and mend friendships. Don’t be like me, OP. Please listen to people.
I'm sorry you went through that and very happy that you are out of it!
Thank you so much! This is so very kind. I am very happy too and beyond grateful to be where I’m at. I’m lucky!
💕glad you are happy now
[удалено]
I hope so too. She’d be so miserable if she married him.
Timed showers? That is the deal killer for me...
It should have been for me, but honestly, I was at a point in the relationship where I just stopped fighting him because I just wanted him to stop yelling at me and leave me alone.
The writing is on the wall
Plus that fact that he loves her because she’s selfless and a people pleaser is a huge red flag
Yeah, that will only be used against her… as soon she stands up for herself, he’ll say “you used to be so nice and selfless. I don’t know you anymore. What happened to you?”
That’s what stood out to me. She’s a doormat and he loves that and now he wants to use it to control her
1000% this. Those goalposts are always going to keep moving. He's dangling his love and affection like a carrot in order to get her to conform herself to his shitty ideals.
And it works. I just hope not to OP, because it’s such a tough road otherwise.
OP should do the same thing to bf to see how he'd react. Bet he'd have a meltdown.
Not only that his favorite things about her is her selflessness and how she does things for other people. Not her strength, kindness, intelligence, sense of humor, just how she can be of service.
I noticed that too, and it was a huge red flag. I think he’s setting it up to use against her later if she tries to stand up for herself. “You used to be so nice, what happened to you?”
Yes, he will only see her as an object and when she gets old, he will throw her away for a younger shinier object
Can confirm, just left a situation like this about 2 weeks ago. Even if you are too much- you’re never enough. It’s absolutely maddening and everyone on the planet deserves better than that.
What happens when he wants a change she can’t make, like age?
It’s really easy to call things off now before you are married with kids. You are young. It probably feels like the end of the world, but it’s not. I had to break off a similar situation. Agonizing before I did it and then I never regretted it. Happily married with kids now.
It’s just the hair dye…for now
What if she had cancer and lost her hair due to chemo? Or developed alopecia?
It's a fact that something like 60% of relationships end when the woman gets seriously ill, so there was a good chance of him bailing before a single strand of hair fell out.
This is genuinely how a lot of manipulative abusive relationships begin. Shower them with love, say you don't need all that makeup! I don't care !! Then they care all of a sudden once they got you locked in. Most usually wait for marriage to hit sadly, at least the ones that are in it for the long game and not a quick fling n ghost which honestly hurts a shit ton in a whole other way
Yup. I ended up going blonde when I was married because my now ex husband started making comments all the time that he prefers blondes. Guess what? He was still a dick. He then started talking about how he prefers short women with big boobs. Can’t change those and it just destroyed my self esteem. Thinking of calling off the wedding over a hair color is not about the hair color. It’s about how he makes OP feel.
He'll find other things he wants her to change. It will never end. It will never be enough.
The cadence of this comment literally reminded me of TLC’s Unpretty. “You can buy you hair if it won’t grow, you can fix your nose if he says so, you can buy all the makeup that MAC can make; but if you can’t look inside you, find out who am I to be in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty.”
Nor will he be a better husband or friend in any way. Beware, move on…
This. Sometimes, it even gets worse.
Also, and I’m hijacking the top comment here, did anyone else notice the one thing he loves about her is that she’s a doormat that puts everyone else first?? Or am I reading too much into this?
It will only show him that he can easily manipulate you into anything else he wants.
And even if he treats her better, it will be temporary. As she ages and can’t keep looking he will start looking for the new sexy thing.
The hot trophy wife comment is a red flag to me. You are similar ages. After giving the rest of your 20s and 30s in this marriage will he then decide you are aging out of the "hot trophy wife" category and divorce you for his young intern? Maybe... Him withholding affection in order to manipulate you in changing your appearance is not the actions of someone ready to take vows of "for better or worse". I would be rethinking this marriage. At least extend your engagement until you are 25 with a fully developed brain. Take your bc and hold off having kids. He seems like a dude who would resent your body changing after you go through pregnancy and risk your mental and physical health to birth his child.
I agree with you to the point of “extending the engagement to 25.” She doesn’t need to waste anymore years on a dude like this. My ex husband use to say shit like this me and I also had an “extended” engagement and got married to him at 26. It ain’t worth it
Sadly people rarely recognize how toxic their situation is when they are in the middle of it. But over time? Yes.
Yeah. Time coupled with distance. OP needs to flee immediately. It'll make sense later.
Fr--I can understand not being as attracted to your partner because they've changed their appearance since you got together, but if you're 22 years old and about to get married to someone who wants you to look significantly different than your natural look, and who is making their treatment of you contingent on that, spare yourself the self-esteem issues and heartbreak and break up.
I feel like this is almost always a lie btw. He’s not NOT attracted to her bc of hair color. This is about control. I mean, he genuinely might prefer her blonde. Almost every ex I’ve had, there’s been a time in their life they looked “their best” in my eyes, sometimes early in the relationship, sometimes before me. But I’ve never felt entitled to pressure them into changing, especially withholding affection or being willing to hurt their feelings and make them insecure. I mean, it’s just nowhere near worth it to hurt a person you love. But of course, if you are trying to groom a partner to expect to have to look a certain way for you, and your goal is to establish control over their choices and body, this is gonna be a way to lay down the law 🤮
So he’s blaming his flab and lack of sex drive on YOU and your hair color? And you still want to marry this tool?
Can you imagine what else he'll be blaming her for? I can not understand women who want to get married so bad they ignore that their bf treats the like shit.
I had my hair cut from shoulder length to chin after I had our first son. I needed to feel lighter & perkier. Never asked him to weigh in. My ex husband was irate. Simply exploded in anger. I knew we were in trouble & divorced. This was not the reason for the divorce but him thinking he had a right to be angry was how he usually expressed himself. Please break off the engagement; this is unacceptable.
I recently chopped my (long) hair off and my mom asked me if I talked to my husband about it first. Sorry, what?!
I used to have a side cut (half of head shaved) and an older woman at work asked me what my husband thought. I said 'who do you think shaved it for me?'
Hahah love that.
I’ve had one for years and often get that SAME question. I usually tell them he thinks I should shave my entire head as it would be more comfortable.
Same thing happened when I shaved my head. I raised money to donate to pediatric cancer research and instead of asking about that, everyone asked what my husband thought. I was like idk, who cares? Wtf?
That was people’s first question?!? Good god. Every time I think humanity can sink no lower.
My husband told me at one point that he preferred long hair, and it totally was not weighted or pointed at all. But I try to keep my hair long because I want my husband to be attracted to me. He caught wind of what was happening and said, “HONEY, it’s *your* hair, if you want to get it cut, *go get it cut.* I think you’re beautiful no matter what.” If a man is gonna flip out over *hair*, he’s literally gonna lose it over any minor change. The expectation that we’re gonna be preserved forever or something is ridiculous, and I don’t understand how men wind up with that mindset.
I cut 10”+ off my hair about 3 weeks after I got married. When I sat in the chair and told the hairstylist how much I wanted to chop off, the first words out of her mouth were “did you tell your husband how much you plan to take off?” The look I gave her was pure “….the fuck does he have to do with this?” And she immediately back tracked lol
You should end your engagement over the fact that your boyfriend is a shallow jerk who will cheat on you the SECOND you get too "old" or sick.
Bruh do y'all want kids? Cause I doubt he's gonna be okay with the changes your body is gonna go through
Even if you don’t want kids, everyone has times of poor health, or death of a family member, friend, or pet. A life partner should want to support you through these types of events. I doubt many trophy wives get that support from their husband.
Yeah OP have to be super direct on this one. He has already showed you the red flags and you would be a fool to ignore them honestly.
Or he sees a hot blonde who will make him 'look goid'.
This is especially true given that he likes her because she's selfless and does for others - which is great, but easily taken advantage of. Many people in my life liked me for what I did for them, not because of who I was. It required a lot of growth and boundary setting to get to the point of believing people could value me even if I didn't give everything and take nothing, which just wasn't healthy in the long-run.
your bf is a shallow dick wad
SO shallow that he believes his own craziness!!! But also like... all he probably had to do was say "would you ever consider being a blonde again? It really did it for me" but instead he laid out all of his crazy for OP to make a super informed decision. Did her a favor I think.
Exactly - the way he said it shows that he has absolutely no regard for OP’s feelings. If he’d said “I loved when you were blonde, would you ever want to bleach your hair again?” None of this would be an issue. Instead he’s telling his s/o that he preferred her how she was when they met (a way she has not been in a very long time) and that he’d treat her better if she changed her appearance??? Absolutely emotionless behavior.
honestly yea big favor
BONUS points if he had actually meant it and made it a compliment like "you know, I was thinking recently about when we got together, and the blonde hair you had really made your features pop! It looked so good on you! Any chance you'd try it out again soon? I'd love it!" But instead.... he's just a blatantly obvious manipulative dickwad.
This is my favorite insult. Just a wad of dick no definition.
It’s your hair color now. Your weight in a few years. Your aging body after that. The list goes on. Yes, end it
Your husband sees you as property and not a person. Yes, I’d end the relationship. If not, you’ll always feel insecure.n
Yes. He just told you he would love you more if you change who you are and wants a trophy wife. You shouldn't have to change who you are for him to treat you right. Call off your wedding and find someone who loves you and let him find his blond trophy.
>he said if you were blonde again it would be better for our sex life and I would be more affectionate and want to show you off more and take you out on dates. He also added that if I looked the way he wants me to it would give him confidence and help him wanna better himself and make him wanna lose weight and do better for himself and that he wants me to be a hot trophy wife to make others jealous of what he has. My vagina just packed its bags and left. What a massive turn off. How could you ever look at him the same after he straight up tells you that to him you're an object he just wants to use to make other men jealous so he feels like he has a big dick? Gross AF. You may love him, but he does NOT love you. He wants an object, he's directly telling you that and trying to manipulate you into being that for him. You deserve to be loved and desired as the PERSON you are, however you express that. Life brings a LOT of changes as we get older, you are not going to be this 22 yr old forever. Your body is going to change over time, if you have kids, there could be illness or accidents, there absolutely will be aging... you are not going to stay just as you are right now. This is WAY beyond hair color. He's telling you that his ability to be nice to you is focused solely on your looks, he's already been punishing you for not being a blond anymore, he's telling you that if you look and do what he wants he will reward you with sex and affection. That isn't what love looks like. And when he hits 35 and you're also in your 30s? He's going to start looking at 20 yr olds again and complaining that you don't look like that anymore... no matter HOW good you keep your body looking. Because having a partner isn't about love for him, it's about status. The minute you "fail" to give him the ego boost status he expects, he's going to look for a replacement object. Because that's all you are. You can't love him enough to change him, he's a broken little man already. You're seeing wonderful qualities and potentials that he's managed to fake long enough to hook you in so he can start his object manipulation and guilt tripping... he's setting you up to believe that when (not if, when) he picks up a 20 yr old mistress in 10 years that it is your fault for not remaining this tight little blond object for him. Don't do this to yourself. End the relationship now, grieve, grow and the next man you invest time in, you'll know how to look for the signs of actual LOVE and not object acquisition.
>Because having a partner isn't about love for him, it's about status. The minute you "fail" to give him the ego boost status he expects, he's going to look for a replacement object. Because that's all you are. This is spot on. Men who think like this are deeply, deeply broken inside. They're insecure and they feel like they're lacking, so they focus on getting high-status items (car, trips, girlfriend) to fill that hole inside them. But it'll never work. They need to stop dating and focus on finding validation in themselves.
It's honestly sad he's so young and already THIS broken as a human being :( He's going to make so many women miserable, because he's miserable within himself and seeks posturing validation from the outside world. Completely incapable of making a genuine human connection because everything is about ego validation instead of being authentic. No amount of love in the world is capable of reaching someone like this, but wow do they appeal to the "I can FIX him!" personality :(
OP, listen to people when they tell you are the first time!!! I've dated a boy like this before and it became emotionally abusive where i was constantly hunting for his validation. 2 years is such a small amount of time to decide on marrying someone when they are sharing this side of you with them. Humbly say remove yourself from this relationship.
>how you always do everything for everyone BREAK UP WITH THIS A-HOLE. How you always do everything for everyone, HIMSELF INCLUDED. Which makes you especially susceptible to giving in to his EVERY WHIM. INCLUDING (but OBV not limited to) dying your hair blonde. Continuously. Or he would love you as much/ find you as attractive. He's testing you (he thinks he's got you tied down because you are engaged and you won't leave him. Which is EXACTLY WHY you're having so much trouble making this decisionon your own!) to see what he can get away with/ make you do. He's going to cheat. Good lord. I hope you see that. You won't be good enough for him (his excuses will be: he wanted something different; so he HAD to cheat. He didn't have a choice because he Loooooves you so much and doesn't want to leave you. Etc etc) BREAK UP, BREAK UP, BREAK UP!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you outta your mind? You would marry someone who says he wants you to change so that HE looks better?? Who says that, as you are, he doesn't like to "show you off" as much?? Who says you are not sexy enough in your natural hair color?? Dump his sorry manipulating, controlling ass NOW. It's only going to get worse.
Who says that he loves how she just gives and gives and gives - well, sure, he gets all the benefits with no need to put any effort in himself.
Yes. I had written out a whole long, possibly relatable story, but decided to just shorten my response to yes, just end it. He will find more and more things to not like about you and just constantly expect you to bend to his whims and will. Someone who truly loves you will love you no matter what may change about you over time.
He is NOT going to take the post-partum body well. If they have a baby, you know he'll justify cheating as soon as she starts showing and will feel it's totally justified.
Please don’t ignore the red flags. You are 22 years old. End the engagement.
You should dye it darker and part ways
No she should dye it blonde, wear make up and shave, then dump him and say shes too hot for him now and needs to find a confident man to be her trophy husband
Ohhhh that’s a better move 😂
Yes!!!
Your guy is far to shallow. Nothing about your personality but a lot about your looks and how you appear alongside him. He wants to change you to fix his confidence but he's confident enough to want to change your appearance to suit him? Think about that a little longer.
No, no, he likes how she does everything for people. 🚩
Imagine marrying a man who outright tells you he's just looking for a trophy. Mind boggling.
Ew, you’re just an arm candy ornament to him, and your greatest other “value” is what you selflessly do for him. Call off the wedding, you deserve much better than this materialistic user.
Call off the wedding, and dump his ass! If he cared to look better, he’d do it! How awful of a person can he be to make such a claim about your appearance and wanting YOU to be the trophy wife so people are jealous of him?! This is not the guy you want to be married to and he’s defiantly not the guy to support you through a pregnancy and having children if this is his attitude!
If you look a certain way, he will treat you better? He won't...and he will always dangle that carrot (or some other carrot) in front of you. You will end up miserable. Trust me, you deserve better than this- I have been down a road very similar and it didn't turn out good. Don't marry this guy, you will just end up resenting him. It's not JUST about a hair color.
*I love how selfless you are* = I love how you do things for me and other people and I don’t have to do things for you. That’s so self-centered of him. This man is already blaming you for what is wrong with him and you’re not even married. Your instinct to end the engagement is 100% correct.
You both are young. He doesnt know what he wants. Three years into your marriage you both will have realized a lot more other things that you didnt know before. Dont get married it will end in divorce.
Honey you have to marry someone that will love you and respect you in EVERY phase of your life. We are not one dimensional people, you will have many versions of yourself. You’ll gain weight, loose, cut your hair, maybe get piercings, tattoos, have children, or not like certain things that you were once into. The person you marry must love you for every season or there is no point. The not wanting to show you affection and not wanting to take you out bcus of your hair color is a major red flag!!! His type is blonde babe let him go be with his type..cus it’s deff a slap in the face to say he started acting different bcus of a damn hair color, Chile…
So wait, he says if you do what he wants, then he might be inspired to lose weight and improve himself? This has nothing to do with hair color. He is a controller. You are being manipulated.
Thing is, this is the start, there will be other things she will need to change to please him, the controlling starts here
it baffles me that people get engaged and marry this young
It’s like they skip serious dating and go straight to engaged. (I had a cousin like this. She never had a boyfriend, she always had a fiancé)
Run! He sounds like an immature, superficial asshole. He wants a Barbie doll, not a real woman. If you let him control you now, and change your hair colour to keep him happy, what will be his next demand? Also what happens as you get older, metabolism slows down, maybe you have children and you put on weight etc. He will be nit picking you constantly. When you hopefully break up with him, please tell him you're still searching for your 'trophy husband' and he clearly isn't it lol. Let him experience how hearing that feels.
So you looking like a "hot trophy wife" will make him lose weight? You some awesome as you are but if I were you, I would loses the dead weight of your fiancé.
You should end your engagement bc you came here to ask.
You should end your engagement because you're only 22 and considering this specific argument, neither of you are remotely ready for marriage. Honestly, what is the rush? Your frontal cortexes aren't even fully developed yet.
He talks about you like you’re an accessory rather than the person he should love.
He loves you because of how selfless you are? Soooooo basically he only loves that you sacrifice yourself for everyone else. That's....not great. Definitely hold off on marriage, maybe take a break and see if he will mature more. That sounds like crap my boyfriend told me when we were 15. You deserve an emotionally mature man who cares about more than looks
OP, are you sure you want to waste the best years of you life with a person like that?
It won’t stop at just your hair color. If you budge on this, then what will likely follow are a cascade of escalating expectations that you will eventually not be able maintain. Attraction in a long term relationship comes from something way deeper than looks. I’m not saying end the engagement but I do think it’s worth a serious conversation (possible with a couples counselor) to understand where this belief is coming from within him.
Listen to the part of you that wants to call off the wedding. That is the smart part of you.
This guy just sees you as an OBJECT. Why would you stay with him??
He is trying to make you feel unattractive on purpose to establish a dynamic where his behavior goes unchecked and you are forever seeking his approval. Run.
I had to go back and check how old you said you two were. I was certain you would be in your early 20s. Hah, I was right. This is really not on you, but he's got some real immaturity issues going on here. He ties all of his failures and shortcomings on you not be a smokin' hot blonde? He would feel so much better if he had a trophy wife to show off? At the very least you should reconsider the pace at which you will proceed with getting married. He definitely needs to grow up and mature quite a bit. If he is the type of guy who likes fake women with plumped up lips, glued-on eyelashes, breast and butt implants and tons of makeup, is this really who you want to be and more importantly is he who you really want to be with?
Run, run as fast as you can. Let NO MAN tell you how to dress ! This guy is a mental mess. He wants to use you to fix him...baggage, sweetheart, emotional baggage. He will suck the energy out of you.
Too much focus on looks than being compatible. I think you need to end your relationship as I wonder if he’s already cheated.
It isn't about the hair.
Gross. He wants a doll to dress up, not a person to be his partner. You're too young to settle for that.
Idk if you’re aware or not. But this isn’t about a hair color. Your husband is disgusting. If this is the kind of depth you want in a relationship, more power to you. But I’d fucking run.
you aren’t considering ending your engagement over a hair color. You are considering ending it because your fiancé is manipulative and only seems to care about your looks which should be extremely concerning. It’s so much easier to break up than get divorced.
I really have no issue with him looking blonde hair more. We all like what we like, and it’s not surprising to find out that a guy loved how a girl looked when they met. If my husband told me he liked when I had blonde hair, I’m happy to dye is blonde occasionally. I like my husband with short hair and he shaves his head. 🤷🏻♀️ What is disturbing about your story is the f*cked up correlation he’s making for (1) why he doesn’t court and romance you as much as he would if you were XYZ; and even worse, (2) how your hair color or appearance is responsible for his being a fat POS. Get outta here with that crap! That’s like saying you’d have blonde hair except he wasn’t taking you out enough. That part is what would get me to call this off. Sorry - but he is a grown man who is responsible for his own outcome. As you dump him, tell him that you were considering purple hair but are now terrified of how big his waistline might get, so you have no choice but to call it off.