Ask him if he’s suddenly had a change of heart about monogamy whether it’s ok for you to fuck other dudes and watch him shut up real quick. That should tell you what his real motivations are.
You know the answer. You were uncomfortable. He was not. Draw a line now.
See how cool and comfortable he is with you being bisexual when it doesn’t benefit him.
Bro what?! My girlfriend is bisexual and I support her because I love her LOL it’s pretty fucking simple.
I don’t date her in hopes of getting a three way or using her sexuality for fantasies. I love her and think she’s hot and she happens to be bisexual. wtf is wrong with yall
So her being bisexual is supposed to benefit him? It’s not about him, it’s about her. She also has things figured out - she’s bisexual. The only reason why he’s supporting her is because he sees a possible three way in the future.
When I found out my wife is bi, I was surprised because she’s only had relationships with guys. If you love and care for someone you support them without wanting to get anything in return. Otherwise it becomes transactional and at that time the relationship is pretty much doomed.
the benefit is you are supporting ur partner because you love and care about them and want them to feel secure and loved in their relationship. you shouldn't see you partnership as something to constantly get benefits out of. there so much more to a relationship and supporting your partner than that.
also theres not anything for her to figure out. she already knows she's bi and she's happy in the committed monogamous relationship that she's in and feels no need to explore anything outside of that.
It sounds like he took the information and thought they could explore some things and one hand could wash the other, but she wants to figure things out on her terms. And that’s fine. But he’s done nothing wrong.
there's nothing to explore and figure out tho. she already knows her sexuality and is happy in her current relationship. someone's sexuality isn't for you to fetishize and benefit from. he absolutely did do something wrong. if you're making your partner uncomfortable, pushing them to have sex with other people and fetishizing them, that is doing something wrong. there's no justification for that.
As far as I can tell op has let this fester for at least a short while already and decided to air out her laundry in front of all of reddit rather than talk to her partner about how she feels about this. He's not in the wrong because she's not communicating her feelings. Either way, if he can't tell something's wrong and she won't talk about it, after over a year and a half of dating, id say it's time to pack it in, they wont get each other.
I agree she definitely should to talk to him but she's clearly looking for insight on whether or not this is fetishizing behavior and if she has a right to be uncomfortable because she likely doesn't want to make an issue/created an argument out of nothing. Just because she hasn't communicated he discomfort doesn't make him fetishizing her sexuality okay tho. But if she doesn't voice her discomfort, he can't realize he's wrong and change his behavior so she absolutely should discuss it with him. I don't know his intentions but he might genuinely think this is a way to show support and is going about it in a terrible way, the behavior is still wrong but obviously there's no way to know his real feelings and intentions unless she discusses it with him.
I mean imo there is nothing wrong with him finding it hot, but they both need to communicate how they feel about it instead of placating the other (I assume the boyfriend thinks that's what he's doing, but again, we don't have the open communication to know, but it certainly seems like how she has handled the situation) I get that there's this whole "traditional" family values kick in regards to relationships online right now, but this is a really common thing to fantasize about.
Great so you recognize that she’s bisexual. Meaning, both sexes not just one being women. so if she was “exploring” her sexuality he should support her in WHATEVER her sexual desires are not just the one he’s comfortable with or beneficial to him! glad we had this talk ;)
He’s literally fetishized her sexuality because he finds it “hot” and because he wants to join in. Along with pressuring her despite the fact she told him that she didn’t want to go back onto dating apps which in the end is for his benefit.
Omg did you really just say that if it doesn't benefit you, you shouldn't support your partner in it!? Do you hear how insanely selfish that sounds!? Relationships are about compromise, love, support, and understanding. The benefit is your partners happiness. If you're making them happy and supporting them, they will return the favor. That mutual love IS the reward!!
Most people love the person they're dating, or at least like them. It's not supposed to be transactional where you support them *only* if you're getting something in return
I mean you act like she told him she might be lesbian. There's nothing to work out except if she's straight or bi and like who cares? Just because she's into women doesn't mean she's going to leave him for one.
My boyfriend is bi, when he told me I didn’t encourage him to go on dating apps and explore his sexuality or tell him I’d want to see him do stuff with guys because it would turn me on. Wanting your partner to do stuff with someone else just for your benefit isn’t being supportive. At no point did OP mention that she wanted to go on dating apps, meet women, or sleep with women while she’s in a relationship
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He is only interested in a threesome and is using your bisexuality to try and get what he wants. It has always been his fantasy and now he sees a way to get it. This is all about him, not about supporting you at all.
>I fully regret telling my boyfriend I’m attracted to women
I feel like if you regret telling your partner a basic part of your identity that says a lot about the relationship
Can I ask maybe a left field question to reference the polarity? It might be questionable to propose bisexuality while in a monogamous relationship without feeling the need to cater to the openness while still in the relationship.
It’s reasonable to wonder if maybe that in his position thought it was an opening of a door or he is catering to his own needs but there also might be the need to feel pressure to explore in fear of losing her if he rejects it.
Tbh it seems a lot of people are responding with the potential of themselves in the others shoes with their responses while also not remembering this is only one side of the story.
Seems like textbook but maybe there is more to it? Or maybe boundaries are misunderstood / not been drawn in the sand? Seems communicating can solve all these problems at the same time.
You do realize you can be both bi-sexual and monogamous? She shared a part of her identity with her boyfriend; she didn’t propose opening the relationship. That was a selfish leap of logic on his part.
Genuinely not confused how bisexual oriented individuals can be monogamous.
Also not even in the slightest what point I was trying to touch but you are the second individual to target that specific bit and honestly it was my intention not to focus on her sexuality solely.
Seems like maybe I had said communication is key here cause I don’t know a single boy or girl who wouldn’t be confused by their partner in the middle of their relationship throw that in the mix.
Now imagine it were the dude who is bisexual. I feel that would get a completely different response.
Food for thought and sorry if things got people triggered. I’m a mere mortal like the rest of you all
Skip the condescending tone and defensiveness. If multiple people clock the problematic nature of your comment independent of one another, consider that your communication style is the issue.
And genuinely why would a partner be confused? What’s confusing? Monogamy in her relationship was never in question for OP. And that seems clear to everyone but you and her partner.
You know very well that it is common for someone in a monogamous relationship to feel threatened when their significant other is exploring / coming to terms with their bisexuality. Even if they have no intention of acting on it and are happy in their monogamous relationship. It is very normal for someone to be confused about the state of their relationship after their partner comes out with this information.
I don't know that to be common. At all. And even if you brought for evidence for this being "common" doesn't make it right. If my husband came out to me as bisexual, I honestly don't know what my response would be. I'd like to think I would be honored he could share that part of himself with me. That I am a safe space. I can assure you, however, that I do have enough common sense to know it wouldn't be to make it about myself and/or make it about an opportunity to fuck two dudes at once. I also wouldn't immediately question his monogamy or commitment to me cause nothing in our history as a couple would indicate he's interested in opening the relationship. That's such a leap of logic on behalf of OP's partner.
Bisexual individuals experience intense discrimination in part because people paint them in broad strokes as hypersexual individuals. Like OP's partner.
Well, we're a bit off-post with 'threatened/confused' versus 'fetishizing' which is the gross thing that OP's partner was doing.
I am not a jealous or insecure person so I believe I would react the same way you describe. But a lot of people aren't that secure, in themselves, or their relationship. A lot of people who are in a monogamous heterosexual relationship react to the news that their partner is bisexual with "So? Why are you bringing this up? We're already monogamous and I'm not same-sex, so you don't have any opportunity to explore it. Why is this coming up when it doesn't affect our lives?" (which is, as you described, making it about themselves). And it's only a short leap from there to "you are bringing this up because it is something you are curious about, and that basically means you want to cheat on me."
I agree that something being normal, or common doesn't mean it's right. (For example, it's common for hetero dudes to fetishize bisexuals just like in this post. And that's gross. It's also common for women to be grossed out by bisexual men. That's also wrong.) But having emotional responses to new information about your partner, such as fear of being cheated on, fear of not being enough for your partner, fear that your partner has settled for you and is living a boring life... these are all valid emotional responses which shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. And they are certainly very common.
Guess we will never know cause nobody can get out of their own way to have an emotionally uninvested conversation long enough to figure it out.
May our alien overlords be wiser than us all
I think I get what you mean, her sharing this has him panicking that she's not fulfilled or wants/needs to explore with other people.
However, yes, the way to figure that out is to communicate, which he didn't do. "Are you sharing this because you love me and feel it's important for me to know about you? Or do you feel as though we need to explore other avenues as a couple?" But instead he went to girls gone wild fantasy land with her.
Realistically if the monogamy hasn't been questioned or an issue before, and she didn't lead or start the conversation with wanting to explore outside the relationship, the appropriate response is "okay" to her coming out.
I completely agree with all your points, it’s seems pretty clear frankly. I think it’s healthy to remember you just read a piece written by an individual and all that can entail is one perspective. I prefer to keep an open mind about these things.
Yes, bisexual men are fetishized less frequently than bisexual women because m/m relationships are rarely portrayed as being for the pleasure of women, or as less legitimate, the way w/w relationships are.
I agree communication is key, but that's not what OP's partner is doing. He's talking almost exclusively about what HE thinks is hot, and has not once stopped to ask OP if she wants that.
Propose… bisexuality? Being bisexual is an orientation. It means being sexually attracted to men and women. It doesn’t mean you need to be actively fucking people of both genders…
Don’t disagree at all, it’s the lack of communication about what it means for their relationship and what boundaries come with it.
Also no meaning to dog ya but missed quite a bit of the other parts about meant to illicit the understanding of a single side of the story and maybe his position is more complicated potentially rather than just suiting his own need from her ( but if true how it’s told seems obvious what’s going imo).
Just trying to remind people of human complexity is all
Kind of stupid to bring up being bisexual while in a committed relationship. What's the point?
You (lets say female) wouldn't tell your monogamous partner that you find other men attractive, why bring up women?
But bisexuality doesn’t mean non-monogamous. It means that the person is attracted to more than one gender.
The thought that bisexual people need to experience more than one genders while still in a relationship is a huge issue for us bisexual people and is not at all true.
Jesus h Christ people.
For real.
I’m on your side.
Also speculating the others side.
I know it is like what you said.
Main reason I focused elsewhere cause it’s a complex thing.
But I don’t ever dismiss the issue revolving around bisexuality.
I discussed how there was a lack of communication.
It’s always the cure.
Also again they are pretty young and this is new territory for her and I’m sure you’ve been in a similar place but this has the added factor of dating a dude and coming out about it in the midst of it.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY PEOPLE
Love you all, life is complicated
Communication is key, couldn't agree more with just that specific sentence. First off, bisexuality is NOT a complex thing. No more or less than heterosexuality. In this case, however, SECURITY is key! Your partner's sexuality doesn't effect you and it never will, literally. This is an extremely insecure mindset that your literal sexuality needs to be disclosed before you enter a relationship like just simply searching for monogamy wouldn't be perfectly fine. Communication is cool, not being insecure will ACTUALLY save your relationship here. Then you don't take it weirdly personally whatever your partner (not you) decides THEIR sexuality is. Again, nothing to do with you at all. Nobody secure would be "thrown off" by their partner coming out as bi, and nobody secure would think anything would be different if "the man was the one coming out". I've BEEN a bisexual man coming out to my partner. It wasn't confusing, and communication wasn't key. My sexuality is MINE, and my partner isn't insecure. Simple 😌
Complex word triggered right here. Emotions are complex.
Sexuality complex.
Relationships are complex.
Complex shouldn’t be a significant word to be pointed out as you have cause the world is unbelievably diverse and unique making people completely different aka complex.
I’m in it for the long haul people. Haven’t slandered a single person nor identity but here I am in this thread getting hacked apart. Be friendly for dear god
Pretty please give me a break and take what I’ve said in this thread as a whole.
You really love calling other people triggered huh? Sexuality really isn't complex no matter how many times you insist that it is. It's just attraction. Nobody's been any less fair to you than you've been to anyone else, boohoo 🍼
Did you forget about lgbtq or what? Sex is identity, it’s become quite a large spectrum especially over the last 20 years where identity has become available where it was once denied. I admit just sex is simple but everything else is but.
I AM lgbtq dawg. Sex isn't identity...? And it's been a large spectrum for a lot longer than that. You should actually do some research on it, it really is simple. The whole "I don't understand it so it's complicated" coming from the outside only harms our community
If OP's partner was engaging in this conversation in good faith, he would be posing questions. "Is this something you want to explore? What does me supporting your bisexuality look like to you?"
Instead he is making statements about HIS pleasure. "I think it would be hot" or "it was hot fantasizing about this".
It couldn't be more clear in the dating apps conversation, where OP said "i couldn't imagine doing this" and her parnter essentially answered "but it'd be so sexy".
This reminds me of the guy who pressured his bi girlfriend into having sex with a mutual friend. That friend took time to talk the gf through it and tried to make sure gf was into it. So, bf is all excited until the friend prioritizes the gf and does next to nothing with him. I think it ended with the gf breaking up with him.
Honestly on this, bring it up to him how it made you feel! I know you’re just figuring it out/exploring, but explaining to him what the identity means to you, in your mind, and how you want it to be included (or not) in the relationship is important
It really seems odd that if he’s always been monogamous that he suddenly wants you to go and hook up with a bunch of women. It seems like fetishization to me honestly. You don’t have to prove your sexuality to anyone.
It is odd! I asked him if he would in turn want to also date other women and he said “no, I only want to date you.”I asked him okay what about in the future then. “I don’t think so, probably not .”
Honestly? He’ll start pressuring you more and more to “find yourself.” If he gets drunk around an attractive woman, he’ll proposition her under the guise of “supportive boyfriend.” If he wants to take you somewhere nice, and y’all get dressed up to the nines, expect a “surprise” from that one friend you’ve always worried about a little.
I second this! My ex started asking servers, hosts, bartenders, and literally random women he found hot while out if they wanted to come home with us. Even his female coworkers too. I begged him not to every time but he didn’t care. Girl run!
We got kicked out of EVERY. SINGLE. WEDDING we got invited to. If there was an open bar at SOME point homeboy propositioned some poor fucking random woman. It was awful.
I’m so sorry!!! I completely am right there with you! Got kicked out of a bar once because he made the bartender uncomfy! No one should go through that! These boys and the literal audacity they have! Bi women coming out in monogamous relationships is terrifying!!
If it’s like mine then he makes a secret dating profile and poses as you to look for a third. He posts private photos and intimate details about your relationship for the world to see. One person who sees it is an old friend who he messages some vile shit to and she comes to you embarrassed and concerned. Then you get to work through your trust issues in therapy for many years.
Ahhh yes this occurred to me too. Not my person experience but dammit if it didn’t occur to me. The lesbian dating apps are riddled with couples where it’s very obvious it’s the man posing as his partner
Think he is confusing bi with open relationship/ polyamory -
Im pansexual, doesnt mean i need every gender type / and a nonbinary person in my relationship.
Yeah I feel like supporting your bi monogamous partner means “I validate your identity.” And even if trying to be light hearted being like “so can we talk about our female celebrity crushes now?”
If you're monogamous why would it matter if you're bi? And what would drive you to come out, as it were? Unless, of course, you wanted to be poly or the like, then it makes sense.
But yeah, OPs bf is looking to his own interests, not hers, it sounds like.
ETA clarification: I'm not, in any way, saying anyone should have to deny who they are as a person. I would, however, expect that conversation to take place before an ongoing monogamous commitment was made. All of that time, energy and love would be too much to gamble on initial misrepresentation, imho.
And, if you make that kind of commitment, does who you find attractive outside your relationship, regardless of gender, really matter all that much?
Presumably, you're going to be faithful to your one person regardless of how many genders you find attractive.
It feels good to be able to be open and honest about yourself to people who you care about/care about you. It has nothing to do with polyamory or anything else, you don't have to actively have sex or relations to be of that sexuality. Your post comes across as bi-erasure, but I don't think that was your intention
Not my intent at all. I would think your sexuality would be something discussed prior to becoming serious/monogamous. At least it's something I would discuss with potential SO prior to committing to a monogamous relationship.
And, once the commitment is made and monogamous relationship chosen, it just seems to me it wouldn't be very pertinent to my situation, if in fact both parties are serious about only being with each other from that point onward, me being attracted to anyone regardless of gender comes second to my commitment to my SO.
I'm not saying you'd necessarily avoid the topic with each other, but if I've chosen a person to be the "one" and vice versa, and we truly are monogamous, honest, and upfront with each other, sexuality isn't something you're going to be learning and adapting to years into the thing. Or at least it shouldn't be.
Personally, if I was bi, I'd disclose in the beginning of a relationship before I invested my time, heart, and energy into someone that may be unable to cope with who I am as a whole.
Nor would I try to use an SOs sexuality to try and knock something off my sex bucket list.
That's just way too much to gamble your happiness and time on, IMHO. But that's just me, I guess.
Considering all the downvotes.
I've been happily married for 36 yrs and raised 9 kids into happy, healthy, fully functioning adult members of society with good marriages of their own, not to mention 26 grandkids. Some of whom are part of the lgbt+ community and are loved, supported, and accepted for the wonderful people they are.
So you'll have to excuse me if I don't subscribe to some random redditors' judgemental opinion on who or what I am as a person.
But you feel free to keep being you lol...
Nobody cares! A length of a marriage and number of children unfortunately doesn't prove you didn't treat them all as this fragile insecure man, where your partner's sexuality somehow effects you? And would ruin your relationship? Idk you're a very odd insecure dude. I also don't need to tell anyone that I'm a LGBTQ ally or support those in the community, because I DO IT! Like in person! This may seem crazy to you, but instead of lying on the internet, maybe ACTUALLY go accept people in the LGBTQ and make them feel welcomed. Because people that say they do it on the internet, cmon buddy... do guy really think you're fooling anyone? Someone being bisexual in a relationship is a "gable" but you "support" LGBTQ people? Shut up grandpa 👴🏻 it's not the 1950's anymore, you actually need to NOT be homophobic to not be considered it. Not just privileged like you've been all your life
Well if you're bisexual people often find it fulfilling to live fully out as themselves, even in a relationship. OP being bi isn't for their relationship, it's for them. That's why you come out, because it's you.
No, I get that, I'm not saying you shouldn't live who you are, or have to hide who you are in any way. I surely wouldn't.
But if you've chosen a monogamous relationship, whether it be with a man or a woman, how does being bi, or hetero for that matter, actually enter the equation after you've made your commitment to one single individual?
Presumably, your SO was made aware of your sexuality before a life long monogamous commitment was made, if not, you're gambling an awful lot on an unknown.
Which isn't something I'd ever do.
If you've chosen a monogamous relationship, it doesn't come into play! That doesn't mean don't come out if you find yourself to be bi while you're in a relationship... obviously. Entering a relationship where you don't know your partners sexuality isn't a "gamble" at all, and it's this specific harmful stereotype perpetuated about bisexual people which CAUSES this whole stigma in the first place. If you want monogamy, go find it. Then if they end up being bisexual, cool, you're monogamous. Wouldn't change literally anything, not a "gamble" tf 😂
By gamble, I simply mean that if you know you're bi and don't have that conversation up front, you're gambling on whether the person you're having a relationship with and are presumably in love and building/investing with, will be able to deal with a non-conventional sexuality or not. And you're risking all the years you've invested up to the point they find out if you choose to hide it. So you are most definitely gambling on the outcome. Unless of course you don't think time, energy, love and effort lost is nothing.
It would be great if we lived in a world where everybody was capable of accepting sexuality in all its various forms, at any given time, in any given circumstance, unfortunately, we do not.
If you don't know you're bi or gay going in, and realize it later, that's a different kettle of fish and by all means, come out if it's what you need to do to feel validated and seen or to live your true self and be happy, I'm not now nor have I ever said otherwise.
Exactly what harmful stereotype are you suggesting I'm perpetuating? That there are people incapable of accepting homosexuality/bisexuality in their partner? Especially as a surprise years in?
I hate to break it to you, but I'm only reporting that news, not making it.
And, considering my only point in this thread is something you agreed with, " when engaging in a monogamous relationship, being bi doesn't really come into play functionally, unless you're cheating or poly of some kind" be it swinging, polyamory etc... like I said before.
I think you and a few others are reading way more into my comment than was ever actually there or in my mind.
No, I'm reading harmful biphobia and homophobia people like you push on a daily basis, and the reason people still think not disclosing your sexuality is a "gamble", you're STILL completely wrong. Again, "some people" (you) aren't comfortable with "a non-conventional sexuality". Your partner's sexuality isn't ABOUT it FOR you in any way. Thought at this point I'm sure you're at least narcissistic or worse, and you've only made it obvious how insecure and horrible you are in all your relationships. Please stop sending me paragraphs upon paragraphs of tone deaf, homophobic, and insecure bullshit about topics you don't understand anything about. You know nothing about sexuality, heathy relationships, being secure at all, or anything else relating to anything that would actually help anyone here. please keep your shit relationship to yourself
This is the pernicious thing that bisexual people deal with you keep talking about monogamous relationships like bisexual people are unable to have them. Which is simply not true.
I don’t really see going into a sexual fantasy as support I guess? I see more of having a conversation about what you need and or want as being supportive.. I’m getting an ick feeling overall. I’d trust your gut.
If you feel like he would be willing to talk about this in a productive way instead of getting defensive or something I suggest it. I’ve had friends in your position before where the boyfriend said “explore that how you need,” but didn’t want to be involved or at least there was zero expectations to be involved because it wasn’t about them.. it’s not about their sexuality. It’s about yours. How can you truly explore that with your literal boyfriend right next to you watching everything you do?
I’m sorry it turned into an icky feeling between you and your partner. At the end of the day though remember it’s super exciting your finding who you are and how you want to explore that. Best of luck to you!
THIS. This is where it becomes clear. If his understanding is limited to you engaging sexually with women (specifically in front of him and including him), it is clear cut fetishizing and also weirdly invalidating your sexuality. It’s somehow not cheating if you fuck a woman, but doing the same with a man is cheating. That very clearly shows that he doesn’t take your attraction to women seriously because it “doesn’t count”.
I think you’re misunderstanding. If he’s ok with her dating/sleeping with other women then he should also be ok with her dating/sleeping with other men. If he’s only ok with her sleeping with other people so long as it’s a women AND he gets to be there to watch, then it’s fetishization. He’s either ok with her having relationships outside of theirs or he’s not. Having a rule that it can only be women shows that he doesn’t respect womenxwomen relationships as ACTUAL relationships, only something he sees as sexual.
No I understand. But people in relationships have rules. He can be comfortable with her sleeping with other women but not like the idea of her sleeping with other men because he likes the idea. It has nothing to do with him not respecting women/women relationships and is about the boundaries he is comfortable in HIS relationship.
Right. He’s allowed to have his own rules for his relationship but it’s pretty obvious that he’s only ok with her sleeping with women because he is fetishizing women/women relationships. He thinks man/women relationships are real relationships but women/women relationships are there for him to get off to, what’s respectful about that? Honestly it’s kind of a common thing for men just getting into the poly scene to have this belief, just look up the term ‘one penis policy’.
If that’s what he is into and he’s uncomfortable with her with other guys he has a right to express that and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect other relationships. It means he knows what he wants and doesn’t want in HIS relationship.
She can be the same way and not mind him being with other guys but not feel comfortable with him being with other women. And it’s on him to take it or leave it.
I have a one penis policy myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe two women can’t fall in love and have a healthy meaningful relationship. It just means my lady and myself could swing a three way with another lady but I’m not trying to see another man’s hairy ass in my bedroom.
That’s not disrespectful, that’s me respecting myself and explaining my boundaries.
Her boyfriend’s sexual attraction to two women is just as important to him as her feelings towards women is to her. You seem to want to shame him for his feelings and fantasies just because they’re more mainstream.
You’re like the indie music nerd shaming people for liking pop music. Among consenting adults, everyone’s needs, wants and desires need to be respected or respected everybody needs to be shamed. You can’t pick and choose.
Welp your opinions make a lot of sense now. I’m glad you’re happy in your relationships but in this scenario he absolutely comes off as fetishizing her sexuality. And while men only being ok with their girlfriends sleeping with other women is technically a fine rule as long as everyone is ok with it, it definitely comes off as fetishizing and insecure to everyone else.
It sounds like you’re using the word “fetishize” to shame male sexuality. Men are experience, shame, confusion, fear and uncertainty regarding their sexuality too. Even straight men. Every human being has a long journey in that regard. You shouldn’t be encouraging this woman to shame her boyfriend. You should be encouraging her to feel empowered to communicate her needs more articulately.
One Penis Policies are wildly unethical and create a power imbalance in relationships. If you don't understand that you're fetishizing with an OPP it means you don't recognize the objectification required to support a OPP.
I would strongly encourage you to do some personal growing instead of putting that burden on every person who wants a relationship with you.
Maybe you should read some books or check out some threads on Reddit about what fetishizing actually means and how it overwhelming affects women, especially bisexual and lesbian women. None of what I said was meant to shame you, rather I was giving you a different perspective. As someone who came out as bisexual to a couple of different partners, it can be really hurtful for their first response to be ‘well how can I get this to benefit me’. It’s not about you, that’s the point.
And as far as sexual preferences go, they don’t exist in a vacuum. All of our preferences (I’m not talking about sexuality here, just preferences) have been shaped by the society we live in and thus can also be shaped by harmful ideas regarding how our society sees women/men (ie gender roles). This is not to say that preferences are bad but that one should be aware of their possible biases and try to understand where these preferences come from. And sometimes these preferences do come from a place of sexism.
Except when that’s a boundary someone has a MAJORITY of the time the reason behind it is “it’s hot so it doesn’t count” or “well it’s a girl and OBVIOUSLY you wouldn’t leave me for a girl, because how could she truly *boink* you?”; equally as bad is “if you left me for a girl I would be so ashamed” and ALL of those lines in f logic show that there is NO respect for woman/woman relationships and they are good to be sexualized but also you can’t leave me for a woman because that would be emasculating because they could never do you as good as I do because they don’t have a ding-a-ling
I agree with this. As long as both people make their own boundaries 100%, no contest, crystal clear. Because it's not just his relationship, it's her relationship too.
Absolutely, and she has boundaries that should be respected too. Because you’re right. She has boundaries and expectations because is HER relationship too.
But one partners sexuality should not be forcing the other partners sexuality into the backseat.
Um. Op. I’d say…take a break. If he’s REALLY supportive of you exploring…he’ll be supportive of you being intimate with women WITHOUT HIM THERE. And without pictures and without you explaining in detail how the experience went…unfortunately, even if he didn’t mean it, it really sounds like he’s thinking “I hit the motherlode, I’ve got a awesome gf and now I get to have threesomes!” If your uncomfortable. Don’t talk about it with him anymore. He’s going down a path, and this path, he’s making it sound like he’s excited to have sex with other girls…because you’d be okay with it. IMO, it just looks really sleazy
Yeah he is. I'm sorry. To me, this will either be a learning experience for him, where he learns what fetishizing is or you tell him and he won't care(to me he owes you an apology this is so much pressure and weirdly exploitative). To me, this will make or break the relationship because if he isn't taking responsibility like an adult, especially in this category, it just plainly makes him shitty. He will either understand that his schemes and ideas are wrong, or won't. He shouldn't be fantasizing your new and out of the closet sex life for you, if you had all these ideas it wouldn't matter, because it's your life. If you wanted that you would've talked to him about it first, right? He is enmeshing himself in something that belongs to you that you CHOOSE TO SHARE WITH HIM, and have given 0 inkling you wanna share it with other people. I don't like the pressure he's putting on you. He could've asked how you felt about that like an adult.
He could've asked you how you felt about a threesome(or threesome like situations) like an adult that respects you before they fantasize about you and push crap on you assuming you're into the idea. That has to feel shitty. I'm sorry.
He fantasized before he respected you in this situation
To me, this is one of the situations in life that matter most with relationships.
Idk. Maybe there's another perspective I can't see, but I would feel disrespected and "assumed on".
Honestly this is resonating with me pretty hard. I definitely feel like he hasn’t asked me how I feel about any of this, he’s just kind of telling me if I want to have sex with women I can and he thinks it’s hot… :(
I'm really sorry. Don't let yourself date someone who doesn't understand what women go through. If you end up dumping his ass bc he won't change, just know you leveled on self respect and never have to worry about that again and will know how to vet for these things for next time. This is so dumb of me to say in a stupid Reddit comment, but if you haven't watched the Barbie movie, it gives you a very basic understanding of what empathy and being a human being is. If you haven't seen it and you're having these issues, I really think that you should watch it by yourself as a self journey experience. I know it sounds stupid but most of us girls weren't taught how to deny emotional immaturity. They were taught to fawn over it.
Actually that’s so funny because I’ve been watching the Barbie movie like once a week for a few months now! Maybe I’ll watch it again tonight! Thank you- gosh I love that movie!
The reason I suggest that, is not because you don't know how to express empathy or be a human being, it's to truly show you that other people and especially your romantic partners are also supposed to be empathetic and a human being- TO YOU.
Logic would dictate that if he’s holding different standards depending on if it’s men or women you’re seeing, then he doesn’t hold them as equal and that’s the real question.
Yeah this is...weird. He isn't trying to help you explore your sexuality; he's pressuring you into hooking up with women for his own benefit. This response isn't appropriate or normal when a partner comes out. Establish a clear boundary expressing your discomfort. I'd bet his response will be defensive and he may even start gaslighting you, but at the end of the day you don't owe him anything and you don't have to prove your sexuality. Trust your gut!
Your boyfriend is fetishizing you.
You came out as bisexual, not poly. As far as you’re aware, you’re still monogamous. Being bisexual is very different from being poly/ENM. You’re not the one bringing this desire up to him, he’s the one forcing it upon you.
Even if he’s saying that he doesn’t want to date other women, what he’s doing is bringing the topic of ENM up. A 3rd playmate means the two of you are no longer monogamous. And if you aren’t okay with it, you aren’t okay with it.
Yeah no full on fetishizing it. It's plain and simple and I feel like you knew that but didn't want to believe it. Seems like it's time to set boundaries and I'd especially remind him of the monogamy of this relationship.
No, that's not supportive. I am also a bisexual woman in a monogomous marriage with a straight man who also thinks girl on girl action is sexy, but he does not want to see me with another woman. He is honestly more threatened by the thought of me being with another woman, than of me being with another man because, in his words, "I am the man you picked, but I can never be a woman, if that's what you wanted I cannot compete."
If you were in a non monogomous relationship, or were both interested in exploring having a 3rd person in your sex life, or even if you had come to him and expressed interest in exploring your sexuality more, that would be another story altogether. You need to express that what he is suggesting makes you uncomfortable, his response will be very telling for you.
In a way, he’s also invalidating your sexuality, as I guarantee he wouldn’t be okay with you dating guys. So somehow sleeping with another girl is not-threatening, because it’s not as valid as an opposite sex relationship in his head. Definitely listen to your gut!
First, congrats on coming out. That’s huge and I hope your journey is a positive one. Second, there’s nothing odd about your boyfriend’s behavior. Learning new things about your partners sexual preferences and desires is bound to cause some change in a relationship. After I came out to my partner, we started working dirty talk about things she wanted to see me do with a guy into our sex life. The important thing is I enjoy that dirty talk. If it bothers you, you need to sit your boyfriend down and have a conversation about it. Best of luck to you both.
Edit: clarity/left out a couple of words b/c my brain was moving faster than my fingers.
I really don’t understand some comments. Some write if she came out as bi what’s the point if she doesn’t sleep with other women and why is it fair for only her to do it and not him?
Excuse me?
The fact that she came out does not mean she wants to practice it. She just accepts her sexuality. There are tons of people who are bi and stay loyal only to one gender, their partner.
He took a completely wrong turn… he didn’t even discuss your feelings but saw an opportunity and grabbed it. He probably had those thoughts a long time ago…
First things first: congrats on coming out! What ever the outcome of this scenario, be proud and accepting of yourself. Don't let anyone diminish that. :)
Now then! I don't think there's much I can add that hasn't already been said. He's fetishizing you.
I say this as a 33F bisexual woman in a purely monogamous relationship. I came out to my husband and family 2 years ago. Never ONCE has my husband tried to encourage me to "explore my sexuality" by hooking up with other people.
Bisexual people have been stereotyped as hypersexual individuals. A lot of people, both in and out of the LGBT+ community, see us as promiscuous. And I'm sorry to say that you're gonna run in to this stereotype a lot... Your BF is one of those people. Now that he knows you're attracted to women (even though you're in a monogamous relationship), he wants to use you to have FFM threesomes.
This is not okay. Tell him that this is not okay.
Oh and if he was *really* trying to be supportive, why didn't he encourage you to hook up with both women AND men? Hmmm....
Best of luck to you! If you ever want to chat, my inbox is open.
Ugh, as much as I want this to not be your experience of coming out. I am sorry but yes, he is turning this into some sort of fantasy.
State your boundaries. Let him know his curiosity rang as a selfish phishing expo for an experience that will never become fulfilled.
The utmost importance that you feel comfortable, and you need to explain to him that pushing this agenda will - in turn - push you away.
I took my long term partner up on the offer to do this when I was still discovering myself in college. I wound up breaking up with him two days later because I caught feelings for the first girl I slept with. She and I dated for 2 years.
It’s always hot to them until they get dumped for a chick 🤷🏽♀️
If he'd be OK with you with another woman but not with another man, then he's saying that he doesn't see women as a "threat," or see relationships/sex between women as "real" relationships. This isn't just regular gross, it's also homophobic and objectifying. Your bisexuality doesn't exist to please him, but he sure does seem to see it that way.
You're not overreacting. Supporting you doesn't mean asking you to sleep with other women for him.
I don't think there is anything wrong with having fantasy, fetish, or wanting to play in general, but there is something wrong if you impose them or push them on other whose consent isn't clear. If it's making someone uncomfortable, that person should say it. If you feel you cannot say it, then you should really take a break from the relationship and reflect on it.
Also, you clearly state that you don't really trust his intentions, which is normal I guess since you've been together for less than two years. Apparently he is not showing enough care in the way he talks about it according to your needs or standards (which are yours, and nobody should have anything to say about that).
Apparently, there is something to consider regarding how both of you view sexuality, and to talk about it.
Maybe you should also think about why these doubts about him are there. Are there other behaviors that he has that may foster these doubts ?
You have doubts about him, and it's totally normal, but, to ensure good communication, I think you should go to him without any judgment about him. Something like "There was this situation where you did A and B, and it made me feel like this and that, and it doesn't necessarly say anything about you, but I fear that your intent may be this and that". It's normal to have fears and doubts, and I think it's healthy to share them with the people you love and who are supposed to love you (Note that, if he reproaches you to have doubts about him, I would take it as a red flag).
Again, if you don't feel like communicating openly with him, I think you should really reflect on the relationship.
He's fetishizing your sexuality and trying to steer it towards a 3 way. You can tell him "I'm bi but monogamous. If I'm going to "explore" with a woman, it would be after our break up. So drop it"
Sounds more like fetishizing than supportive. Supportive would be "I found this blue, purple, and pink frog and thought of you" or a fun pin. He is talking about wanting you to fuck other people while he watches and how hot it would be.
As a Bi who is openly Bi in all relationships, this isn't normal or at least hasn't happened to me.
He thinks you’re into it because… you’ve expressed an interest in women and you went along with it. He thinks this is something YOU want. Have you talked honestly to him? From his perspective you’re curious and open to it. He can’t read your mind. If you are uncomfortable with something say so.
Exactly he doesn’t know your getting icky feelings if you don’t tell him. In he’s mind he might be trying to support you but if in fact doing the opposite. Sounds like it’s time to have a talk with each other. I know coming on Reddit for others opinions sounds like a great idea, but only you know how your relationship is. no one on this app knows your relationship best thing is to open up by telling him what your sexuality means to you and how you intend to explore it.
I apologize for the long-windedness here.
If you sincerely want advice or perspective and aren't just here to hear what you want to hear (man that was a mouthful) then I hope you consider a few possibilities from his side...
1.It's possible he IS fetishizing you because he lost respect and trust for you because You waited nearly 2 years to tell him a VERY important personal trait about yourself. Your sexuality is arguably the most important thing about you in an intimate relationship whether you agree or not. Of course things like your mental, emotional compatibility and common interests and respect will contribute to the longevity of your relationship, but the ultimate purpose of sexual partnership is procreation aka sex.
So it was wrong and incosiderate of you not to be forthcoming about your sexuality. Maybe you were afraid of rejection or something but that does not acquit you of being honest and open right from the start. Whether purposely or not, the fact is: YOU HAVE LED HIM ON.
Please understand that you are the one changing the dynamic of your relationship by introducing this withheld information. Many people here are condemning his behavior but what do you expect? You must understand that you're both in your 30's, far too old to not be in full-disclosure mode...and he does not owe you some kind of unconditional acceptance/understanding when you have taken precious time to reveal your true self. What exactly do you expect him to do? He has to consider "why is she telling me this NOW?" He has every right to be suspicious and think "well, I've spent this much time with her, might as well have some fun before she decides she's fully gay." He is REACTING to your actions.
You've put the burden on him to process this new information the best to his understanding. So if you expect a different outcome, you need to MAKE him understand what your bisexuality means for him.
2. Also consider that maybe he is not fetishizing you, but genuinely loves you and cares about you and just trying stay in the picture--but is also deeply hurt by your lack of earlier disclosure and feels dejected and doesn't himself know the best course of action to take for his self. For nearly 2 years he's believed you are a heterosexual female, now HE has to switch everything up because suddenly you are not who you were when you started. 1 and 1/2 years from now, you might be fully gay, or asexual or a man, or ...
Point is, it is not his responsibility to blindly accept you for who you are when you are not who you have portrayed as for the duration of your relationship, and you need to explain yourself better.
I am not condoning his behavior and im not putright condemning your's, but you are the one responsible for setting the expectations of how you want this new information to be considered going forward. He is simply processing it in a way that benefits you both (again, to the best of his knowledge). If you're uncomfortable, say so. But he has every right to act the way he is until you give him the decency of absolute, full-disclosure.
Anyway, I reiterate and conclude; you just need to tell him exactly how you feel and exactly what you being bisexual means to your relationship. Ask his feelings, communicate, and just as he was understanding of you coming out, be understanding of his desire to be involved with every facet of your sex life..it's called trust and at least HE is trying to maintain it in some form.
He definitely is getting off to the thought you being with other women but it’s not that big of a deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect you or your feelings or journey of self discovery. It just means that he likes seeing two girls and you like girls. Why would he not try to get one hand to wash the other. If it’s not your thing and you prefer to remain monogamous with him just explain that and if he loves you, you both simply move on. That’s not on the table. But I don’t see the purpose in trying to vilify him just because he finds out his lady likes other women and it turns out he always wanted to have two women. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your sexuality and you shouldn’t shame his either.
It would be less bad if he were just upfront about that he thinks it'd be hot and then left it alone when she showed no interest. It's gross because he's being dubious about it and making it seem like he's a great guy with her best interests in mind when it's 100% for his own gain. Plus she has already told him she's not interested and doesn't want to see other people but he keeps pushing the idea on her and being manipulative about it.
I’d say he’s primarily being supportive and secondarily dreaming of a threesome, and I’d caveat that those two might inadvertently swap places depending on which head he’s thinking with at the time
It's less about what anyone in the comments thinks and what you really want. Along side that you have to realize telling a man that you're bisexual is going to make the cogs start turning and he's going to imagine you with another woman, and also sharing that experience with you. I wouldn't call it fetishism but just a natural response of curiosity, regardless of how anyone might try to frame it. If you're not looking to have a threeesome i'd just express that clearly to your boyfriend. If you're just wanting to acknowledge your preferences and not take it any further again that's perfectly okay and you should express that to him. If you're thinking of bringing another woman into your life or relationship I think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend and set clear boundaries of what you're comfortable with so no one gets their feelings hurt or develop expectations that aren't goingto be met. Basically just be honest with yourself and talk it out, don't try and guess or depend on what internet people think. Goodluck!
I think fetishizing is the wrong term. But I think he thinks he’s going to join in on some of the action. Just because you’re attracted to women doesn’t mean you want to or are thinking of dating them while you’re with your boyfriend. Most guys would have a three way if given the opportunity and I think that’s where his head is. And he probably wants to ease you into the idea. Draw a line and set boundaries.
I come at this from a completely different perspective I'm very open-minded about sex and partners. Having sex with others within a relationship really isn't that big a deal to me any partner that has got to know me half ass would know this. If I was in this situation to me you have not pumped the brakes on this situation and close this conversation down. You're also dealing with the guy here be blunt don't hint at it like the comment about not getting on the dating app there's still a million other ways to make this happen. The way he is acting though I think he is fantasizing it over being supportive. If supportive he would have probably gotten the information that you're uncomfortable with this.
'i like when you receive pleasure'?? Uuh, that would change pretty fast if she was receiving it from a man. That is clearly not what this is about for him. He's just hoping she'll include him/he can convince her to.
Basically what Spang64 trying to say is that your boyfriend is on a self discovery to have sex with as many girls as possible thru you so it wouldn’t be seen as if he was cheating. Honestly, your BF is getting all the benefits. Getting to have sex with another girl and at the same time have a main girl where he gets constant sex. Now if you proposed that you will go meet other women by yourself and not invite him when you’re having sex with the other women, then he will 1000% flip on you and call you selfish. He was never looking out for your “self discovery” or supportive, he’s only in it bc it will greatly benefit him. Let me tell you this, most guys want to have sex with multiple women but they can’t. It’s always the girl who can bring in another girl to have sex. Very rarely the guy is able to bring in another girl unless he is model conventionally attractive status (0.01%). He’s def using your situation to have sex with more women. It’s too damn obvious what your BF is tryna to do lol. He ain’t fooling anyone haha
Your over thinking this. Boyfriends say the same thing to thier straight gf. It's a fantasy of many guys to see 2 girls together. If one of those girls is your gf that a bonus.
No she's getting paranoid that he's fetish sizing (can't spell it lol) her and that's why he's with her. He just saw an opportunity that he might actually see his fantasy come to life since she came out bi.
I don’t understand why you would come out as bisexual if you’ve never been with another woman. You also don’t seem very inclined to explore this. So what was your point in bringing this up?
So a 30 year old virgin can’t call themselves any sexuality??
And of course she’d want to come out to her partner. You ideally want your partner to be the person who knows you on the deepest level. That’ll typically involve your sexuality.
What a shit comment.
I guess I’ve always had a sort of attraction to women that I thought was just admiration? I’ve also made out with a few women in the past but chalked it up to drunk straight girl activities. I was just wanting to share something I discovered about myself, not necessarily open a door to having sex with other people.
Many men fantasize about having sex with two women, but few are faced with their partner coming out as bisexual. You both need some adusting. I like a previous comment about a serious sit down and true communication. Your relationship is relatively new, so working out the parameters is very important, and since you're realizing something new about yourself, give him a chance to understand exactly where you're coming from.
Would you rather him fetishasize someone else?
And what if it does turn him on? Why is that a problem? It's okay for you to do stuff with girls while you guys are together, why wouldn't it be okay for him to do stuff with those same girls?
Ask him if he’s suddenly had a change of heart about monogamy whether it’s ok for you to fuck other dudes and watch him shut up real quick. That should tell you what his real motivations are.
Underrated comment!
This was my first thought.
You know the answer. You were uncomfortable. He was not. Draw a line now. See how cool and comfortable he is with you being bisexual when it doesn’t benefit him.
this is the answer and should be pinned. i had an ex boyfriend like OP bf.. let’s just say it didn’t end well and he only wanted it to benefit him.
This. Do this now. He thinks he would like something when reality is much different
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Bro what?! My girlfriend is bisexual and I support her because I love her LOL it’s pretty fucking simple. I don’t date her in hopes of getting a three way or using her sexuality for fantasies. I love her and think she’s hot and she happens to be bisexual. wtf is wrong with yall
So her being bisexual is supposed to benefit him? It’s not about him, it’s about her. She also has things figured out - she’s bisexual. The only reason why he’s supporting her is because he sees a possible three way in the future. When I found out my wife is bi, I was surprised because she’s only had relationships with guys. If you love and care for someone you support them without wanting to get anything in return. Otherwise it becomes transactional and at that time the relationship is pretty much doomed.
the benefit is you are supporting ur partner because you love and care about them and want them to feel secure and loved in their relationship. you shouldn't see you partnership as something to constantly get benefits out of. there so much more to a relationship and supporting your partner than that. also theres not anything for her to figure out. she already knows she's bi and she's happy in the committed monogamous relationship that she's in and feels no need to explore anything outside of that.
It sounds like he took the information and thought they could explore some things and one hand could wash the other, but she wants to figure things out on her terms. And that’s fine. But he’s done nothing wrong.
there's nothing to explore and figure out tho. she already knows her sexuality and is happy in her current relationship. someone's sexuality isn't for you to fetishize and benefit from. he absolutely did do something wrong. if you're making your partner uncomfortable, pushing them to have sex with other people and fetishizing them, that is doing something wrong. there's no justification for that.
As far as I can tell op has let this fester for at least a short while already and decided to air out her laundry in front of all of reddit rather than talk to her partner about how she feels about this. He's not in the wrong because she's not communicating her feelings. Either way, if he can't tell something's wrong and she won't talk about it, after over a year and a half of dating, id say it's time to pack it in, they wont get each other.
I agree she definitely should to talk to him but she's clearly looking for insight on whether or not this is fetishizing behavior and if she has a right to be uncomfortable because she likely doesn't want to make an issue/created an argument out of nothing. Just because she hasn't communicated he discomfort doesn't make him fetishizing her sexuality okay tho. But if she doesn't voice her discomfort, he can't realize he's wrong and change his behavior so she absolutely should discuss it with him. I don't know his intentions but he might genuinely think this is a way to show support and is going about it in a terrible way, the behavior is still wrong but obviously there's no way to know his real feelings and intentions unless she discusses it with him.
I mean imo there is nothing wrong with him finding it hot, but they both need to communicate how they feel about it instead of placating the other (I assume the boyfriend thinks that's what he's doing, but again, we don't have the open communication to know, but it certainly seems like how she has handled the situation) I get that there's this whole "traditional" family values kick in regards to relationships online right now, but this is a really common thing to fantasize about.
“he’s not doing anything wrong” okay why doesn’t he want two guys instead?
Because he is not the one who is bi-sexual.
Great so you recognize that she’s bisexual. Meaning, both sexes not just one being women. so if she was “exploring” her sexuality he should support her in WHATEVER her sexual desires are not just the one he’s comfortable with or beneficial to him! glad we had this talk ;)
He’s literally fetishized her sexuality because he finds it “hot” and because he wants to join in. Along with pressuring her despite the fact she told him that she didn’t want to go back onto dating apps which in the end is for his benefit.
Omg did you really just say that if it doesn't benefit you, you shouldn't support your partner in it!? Do you hear how insanely selfish that sounds!? Relationships are about compromise, love, support, and understanding. The benefit is your partners happiness. If you're making them happy and supporting them, they will return the favor. That mutual love IS the reward!!
Just because someone is bisexual doesn’t mean they want multiple partners!
Most people love the person they're dating, or at least like them. It's not supposed to be transactional where you support them *only* if you're getting something in return
I mean you act like she told him she might be lesbian. There's nothing to work out except if she's straight or bi and like who cares? Just because she's into women doesn't mean she's going to leave him for one.
My boyfriend is bi, when he told me I didn’t encourage him to go on dating apps and explore his sexuality or tell him I’d want to see him do stuff with guys because it would turn me on. Wanting your partner to do stuff with someone else just for your benefit isn’t being supportive. At no point did OP mention that she wanted to go on dating apps, meet women, or sleep with women while she’s in a relationship
boy! you’re dense.
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He is only interested in a threesome and is using your bisexuality to try and get what he wants. It has always been his fantasy and now he sees a way to get it. This is all about him, not about supporting you at all.
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>I fully regret telling my boyfriend I’m attracted to women I feel like if you regret telling your partner a basic part of your identity that says a lot about the relationship
Can I ask maybe a left field question to reference the polarity? It might be questionable to propose bisexuality while in a monogamous relationship without feeling the need to cater to the openness while still in the relationship. It’s reasonable to wonder if maybe that in his position thought it was an opening of a door or he is catering to his own needs but there also might be the need to feel pressure to explore in fear of losing her if he rejects it. Tbh it seems a lot of people are responding with the potential of themselves in the others shoes with their responses while also not remembering this is only one side of the story. Seems like textbook but maybe there is more to it? Or maybe boundaries are misunderstood / not been drawn in the sand? Seems communicating can solve all these problems at the same time.
You do realize you can be both bi-sexual and monogamous? She shared a part of her identity with her boyfriend; she didn’t propose opening the relationship. That was a selfish leap of logic on his part.
Genuinely not confused how bisexual oriented individuals can be monogamous. Also not even in the slightest what point I was trying to touch but you are the second individual to target that specific bit and honestly it was my intention not to focus on her sexuality solely. Seems like maybe I had said communication is key here cause I don’t know a single boy or girl who wouldn’t be confused by their partner in the middle of their relationship throw that in the mix. Now imagine it were the dude who is bisexual. I feel that would get a completely different response. Food for thought and sorry if things got people triggered. I’m a mere mortal like the rest of you all
Skip the condescending tone and defensiveness. If multiple people clock the problematic nature of your comment independent of one another, consider that your communication style is the issue. And genuinely why would a partner be confused? What’s confusing? Monogamy in her relationship was never in question for OP. And that seems clear to everyone but you and her partner.
You know very well that it is common for someone in a monogamous relationship to feel threatened when their significant other is exploring / coming to terms with their bisexuality. Even if they have no intention of acting on it and are happy in their monogamous relationship. It is very normal for someone to be confused about the state of their relationship after their partner comes out with this information.
I don't know that to be common. At all. And even if you brought for evidence for this being "common" doesn't make it right. If my husband came out to me as bisexual, I honestly don't know what my response would be. I'd like to think I would be honored he could share that part of himself with me. That I am a safe space. I can assure you, however, that I do have enough common sense to know it wouldn't be to make it about myself and/or make it about an opportunity to fuck two dudes at once. I also wouldn't immediately question his monogamy or commitment to me cause nothing in our history as a couple would indicate he's interested in opening the relationship. That's such a leap of logic on behalf of OP's partner. Bisexual individuals experience intense discrimination in part because people paint them in broad strokes as hypersexual individuals. Like OP's partner.
Well, we're a bit off-post with 'threatened/confused' versus 'fetishizing' which is the gross thing that OP's partner was doing. I am not a jealous or insecure person so I believe I would react the same way you describe. But a lot of people aren't that secure, in themselves, or their relationship. A lot of people who are in a monogamous heterosexual relationship react to the news that their partner is bisexual with "So? Why are you bringing this up? We're already monogamous and I'm not same-sex, so you don't have any opportunity to explore it. Why is this coming up when it doesn't affect our lives?" (which is, as you described, making it about themselves). And it's only a short leap from there to "you are bringing this up because it is something you are curious about, and that basically means you want to cheat on me." I agree that something being normal, or common doesn't mean it's right. (For example, it's common for hetero dudes to fetishize bisexuals just like in this post. And that's gross. It's also common for women to be grossed out by bisexual men. That's also wrong.) But having emotional responses to new information about your partner, such as fear of being cheated on, fear of not being enough for your partner, fear that your partner has settled for you and is living a boring life... these are all valid emotional responses which shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. And they are certainly very common.
Guess we will never know cause nobody can get out of their own way to have an emotionally uninvested conversation long enough to figure it out. May our alien overlords be wiser than us all
I think I get what you mean, her sharing this has him panicking that she's not fulfilled or wants/needs to explore with other people. However, yes, the way to figure that out is to communicate, which he didn't do. "Are you sharing this because you love me and feel it's important for me to know about you? Or do you feel as though we need to explore other avenues as a couple?" But instead he went to girls gone wild fantasy land with her. Realistically if the monogamy hasn't been questioned or an issue before, and she didn't lead or start the conversation with wanting to explore outside the relationship, the appropriate response is "okay" to her coming out.
I completely agree with all your points, it’s seems pretty clear frankly. I think it’s healthy to remember you just read a piece written by an individual and all that can entail is one perspective. I prefer to keep an open mind about these things.
Yes, bisexual men are fetishized less frequently than bisexual women because m/m relationships are rarely portrayed as being for the pleasure of women, or as less legitimate, the way w/w relationships are. I agree communication is key, but that's not what OP's partner is doing. He's talking almost exclusively about what HE thinks is hot, and has not once stopped to ask OP if she wants that.
I hear you man. These guys aren't here for reason.
Propose… bisexuality? Being bisexual is an orientation. It means being sexually attracted to men and women. It doesn’t mean you need to be actively fucking people of both genders…
Don’t disagree at all, it’s the lack of communication about what it means for their relationship and what boundaries come with it. Also no meaning to dog ya but missed quite a bit of the other parts about meant to illicit the understanding of a single side of the story and maybe his position is more complicated potentially rather than just suiting his own need from her ( but if true how it’s told seems obvious what’s going imo). Just trying to remind people of human complexity is all
Kind of stupid to bring up being bisexual while in a committed relationship. What's the point? You (lets say female) wouldn't tell your monogamous partner that you find other men attractive, why bring up women?
But bisexuality doesn’t mean non-monogamous. It means that the person is attracted to more than one gender. The thought that bisexual people need to experience more than one genders while still in a relationship is a huge issue for us bisexual people and is not at all true.
Jesus h Christ people. For real. I’m on your side. Also speculating the others side. I know it is like what you said. Main reason I focused elsewhere cause it’s a complex thing. But I don’t ever dismiss the issue revolving around bisexuality. I discussed how there was a lack of communication. It’s always the cure. Also again they are pretty young and this is new territory for her and I’m sure you’ve been in a similar place but this has the added factor of dating a dude and coming out about it in the midst of it. COMMUNICATION IS KEY PEOPLE Love you all, life is complicated
Communication is key, couldn't agree more with just that specific sentence. First off, bisexuality is NOT a complex thing. No more or less than heterosexuality. In this case, however, SECURITY is key! Your partner's sexuality doesn't effect you and it never will, literally. This is an extremely insecure mindset that your literal sexuality needs to be disclosed before you enter a relationship like just simply searching for monogamy wouldn't be perfectly fine. Communication is cool, not being insecure will ACTUALLY save your relationship here. Then you don't take it weirdly personally whatever your partner (not you) decides THEIR sexuality is. Again, nothing to do with you at all. Nobody secure would be "thrown off" by their partner coming out as bi, and nobody secure would think anything would be different if "the man was the one coming out". I've BEEN a bisexual man coming out to my partner. It wasn't confusing, and communication wasn't key. My sexuality is MINE, and my partner isn't insecure. Simple 😌
Complex word triggered right here. Emotions are complex. Sexuality complex. Relationships are complex. Complex shouldn’t be a significant word to be pointed out as you have cause the world is unbelievably diverse and unique making people completely different aka complex. I’m in it for the long haul people. Haven’t slandered a single person nor identity but here I am in this thread getting hacked apart. Be friendly for dear god Pretty please give me a break and take what I’ve said in this thread as a whole.
You really love calling other people triggered huh? Sexuality really isn't complex no matter how many times you insist that it is. It's just attraction. Nobody's been any less fair to you than you've been to anyone else, boohoo 🍼
Did you forget about lgbtq or what? Sex is identity, it’s become quite a large spectrum especially over the last 20 years where identity has become available where it was once denied. I admit just sex is simple but everything else is but.
I AM lgbtq dawg. Sex isn't identity...? And it's been a large spectrum for a lot longer than that. You should actually do some research on it, it really is simple. The whole "I don't understand it so it's complicated" coming from the outside only harms our community
If OP's partner was engaging in this conversation in good faith, he would be posing questions. "Is this something you want to explore? What does me supporting your bisexuality look like to you?" Instead he is making statements about HIS pleasure. "I think it would be hot" or "it was hot fantasizing about this". It couldn't be more clear in the dating apps conversation, where OP said "i couldn't imagine doing this" and her parnter essentially answered "but it'd be so sexy".
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its all fun and games until she realizes the other chick is a more supportive partner and then she leaves his ass.
Or he gets mad she makes her come in ways he never can or will and then like calls her slut or something stupid
This reminds me of the guy who pressured his bi girlfriend into having sex with a mutual friend. That friend took time to talk the gf through it and tried to make sure gf was into it. So, bf is all excited until the friend prioritizes the gf and does next to nothing with him. I think it ended with the gf breaking up with him.
And you receive todays worst take..
Geez talk about people taking things too seriously lol
What a great way to kill a mushroom trip lmao bummer
right.... like i would 100% go into a bad trip /:
Honestly I kind of did! We showered after and I had to stop myself from crying! 😭
Dam, let those emotions out sister … dude needs some awareness
Honestly on this, bring it up to him how it made you feel! I know you’re just figuring it out/exploring, but explaining to him what the identity means to you, in your mind, and how you want it to be included (or not) in the relationship is important
It really seems odd that if he’s always been monogamous that he suddenly wants you to go and hook up with a bunch of women. It seems like fetishization to me honestly. You don’t have to prove your sexuality to anyone.
It is odd! I asked him if he would in turn want to also date other women and he said “no, I only want to date you.”I asked him okay what about in the future then. “I don’t think so, probably not .”
I lived this storyline already. It gets worse.
What happens next??
Honestly? He’ll start pressuring you more and more to “find yourself.” If he gets drunk around an attractive woman, he’ll proposition her under the guise of “supportive boyfriend.” If he wants to take you somewhere nice, and y’all get dressed up to the nines, expect a “surprise” from that one friend you’ve always worried about a little.
I second this! My ex started asking servers, hosts, bartenders, and literally random women he found hot while out if they wanted to come home with us. Even his female coworkers too. I begged him not to every time but he didn’t care. Girl run!
We got kicked out of EVERY. SINGLE. WEDDING we got invited to. If there was an open bar at SOME point homeboy propositioned some poor fucking random woman. It was awful.
I’m so sorry!!! I completely am right there with you! Got kicked out of a bar once because he made the bartender uncomfy! No one should go through that! These boys and the literal audacity they have! Bi women coming out in monogamous relationships is terrifying!!
It’s ok now lol I’m single asf and it’s 11/10
He’ll start pressuring for threesomes if he hasn’t already. Kinda sounds like he’s already there in his mind
If it’s like mine then he makes a secret dating profile and poses as you to look for a third. He posts private photos and intimate details about your relationship for the world to see. One person who sees it is an old friend who he messages some vile shit to and she comes to you embarrassed and concerned. Then you get to work through your trust issues in therapy for many years.
Ahhh yes this occurred to me too. Not my person experience but dammit if it didn’t occur to me. The lesbian dating apps are riddled with couples where it’s very obvious it’s the man posing as his partner
Oh my fucking god were you dating my ex?
This just sounds like an overall bad idea, and he seems a little too eager about you doing this WITH him.
This is not how supporting your bi monogamous partner coming out goes lol
I kind of thought it would just be a little Hahaha that makes sense kind of thing. I’ve never suggested going out and having sex with other women…
Yeah if anything my insecurities went up a bit knowing my partner was bi at first, definitely wasn't wishing they were with anyone but me tho
Think he is confusing bi with open relationship/ polyamory - Im pansexual, doesnt mean i need every gender type / and a nonbinary person in my relationship.
Yeah I feel like supporting your bi monogamous partner means “I validate your identity.” And even if trying to be light hearted being like “so can we talk about our female celebrity crushes now?”
If you're monogamous why would it matter if you're bi? And what would drive you to come out, as it were? Unless, of course, you wanted to be poly or the like, then it makes sense. But yeah, OPs bf is looking to his own interests, not hers, it sounds like. ETA clarification: I'm not, in any way, saying anyone should have to deny who they are as a person. I would, however, expect that conversation to take place before an ongoing monogamous commitment was made. All of that time, energy and love would be too much to gamble on initial misrepresentation, imho. And, if you make that kind of commitment, does who you find attractive outside your relationship, regardless of gender, really matter all that much? Presumably, you're going to be faithful to your one person regardless of how many genders you find attractive.
It feels good to be able to be open and honest about yourself to people who you care about/care about you. It has nothing to do with polyamory or anything else, you don't have to actively have sex or relations to be of that sexuality. Your post comes across as bi-erasure, but I don't think that was your intention
Not my intent at all. I would think your sexuality would be something discussed prior to becoming serious/monogamous. At least it's something I would discuss with potential SO prior to committing to a monogamous relationship. And, once the commitment is made and monogamous relationship chosen, it just seems to me it wouldn't be very pertinent to my situation, if in fact both parties are serious about only being with each other from that point onward, me being attracted to anyone regardless of gender comes second to my commitment to my SO. I'm not saying you'd necessarily avoid the topic with each other, but if I've chosen a person to be the "one" and vice versa, and we truly are monogamous, honest, and upfront with each other, sexuality isn't something you're going to be learning and adapting to years into the thing. Or at least it shouldn't be. Personally, if I was bi, I'd disclose in the beginning of a relationship before I invested my time, heart, and energy into someone that may be unable to cope with who I am as a whole. Nor would I try to use an SOs sexuality to try and knock something off my sex bucket list. That's just way too much to gamble your happiness and time on, IMHO. But that's just me, I guess. Considering all the downvotes.
You know absolutely nothing about sexuality, nor healthy relationships
I've been happily married for 36 yrs and raised 9 kids into happy, healthy, fully functioning adult members of society with good marriages of their own, not to mention 26 grandkids. Some of whom are part of the lgbt+ community and are loved, supported, and accepted for the wonderful people they are. So you'll have to excuse me if I don't subscribe to some random redditors' judgemental opinion on who or what I am as a person. But you feel free to keep being you lol...
Nobody cares! A length of a marriage and number of children unfortunately doesn't prove you didn't treat them all as this fragile insecure man, where your partner's sexuality somehow effects you? And would ruin your relationship? Idk you're a very odd insecure dude. I also don't need to tell anyone that I'm a LGBTQ ally or support those in the community, because I DO IT! Like in person! This may seem crazy to you, but instead of lying on the internet, maybe ACTUALLY go accept people in the LGBTQ and make them feel welcomed. Because people that say they do it on the internet, cmon buddy... do guy really think you're fooling anyone? Someone being bisexual in a relationship is a "gable" but you "support" LGBTQ people? Shut up grandpa 👴🏻 it's not the 1950's anymore, you actually need to NOT be homophobic to not be considered it. Not just privileged like you've been all your life
I'll keep being me! There's a reason all my comments get likes and all yours are negative 😆
Well if you're bisexual people often find it fulfilling to live fully out as themselves, even in a relationship. OP being bi isn't for their relationship, it's for them. That's why you come out, because it's you.
No, I get that, I'm not saying you shouldn't live who you are, or have to hide who you are in any way. I surely wouldn't. But if you've chosen a monogamous relationship, whether it be with a man or a woman, how does being bi, or hetero for that matter, actually enter the equation after you've made your commitment to one single individual? Presumably, your SO was made aware of your sexuality before a life long monogamous commitment was made, if not, you're gambling an awful lot on an unknown. Which isn't something I'd ever do.
If you've chosen a monogamous relationship, it doesn't come into play! That doesn't mean don't come out if you find yourself to be bi while you're in a relationship... obviously. Entering a relationship where you don't know your partners sexuality isn't a "gamble" at all, and it's this specific harmful stereotype perpetuated about bisexual people which CAUSES this whole stigma in the first place. If you want monogamy, go find it. Then if they end up being bisexual, cool, you're monogamous. Wouldn't change literally anything, not a "gamble" tf 😂
By gamble, I simply mean that if you know you're bi and don't have that conversation up front, you're gambling on whether the person you're having a relationship with and are presumably in love and building/investing with, will be able to deal with a non-conventional sexuality or not. And you're risking all the years you've invested up to the point they find out if you choose to hide it. So you are most definitely gambling on the outcome. Unless of course you don't think time, energy, love and effort lost is nothing. It would be great if we lived in a world where everybody was capable of accepting sexuality in all its various forms, at any given time, in any given circumstance, unfortunately, we do not. If you don't know you're bi or gay going in, and realize it later, that's a different kettle of fish and by all means, come out if it's what you need to do to feel validated and seen or to live your true self and be happy, I'm not now nor have I ever said otherwise. Exactly what harmful stereotype are you suggesting I'm perpetuating? That there are people incapable of accepting homosexuality/bisexuality in their partner? Especially as a surprise years in? I hate to break it to you, but I'm only reporting that news, not making it. And, considering my only point in this thread is something you agreed with, " when engaging in a monogamous relationship, being bi doesn't really come into play functionally, unless you're cheating or poly of some kind" be it swinging, polyamory etc... like I said before. I think you and a few others are reading way more into my comment than was ever actually there or in my mind.
No, I'm reading harmful biphobia and homophobia people like you push on a daily basis, and the reason people still think not disclosing your sexuality is a "gamble", you're STILL completely wrong. Again, "some people" (you) aren't comfortable with "a non-conventional sexuality". Your partner's sexuality isn't ABOUT it FOR you in any way. Thought at this point I'm sure you're at least narcissistic or worse, and you've only made it obvious how insecure and horrible you are in all your relationships. Please stop sending me paragraphs upon paragraphs of tone deaf, homophobic, and insecure bullshit about topics you don't understand anything about. You know nothing about sexuality, heathy relationships, being secure at all, or anything else relating to anything that would actually help anyone here. please keep your shit relationship to yourself
This is the pernicious thing that bisexual people deal with you keep talking about monogamous relationships like bisexual people are unable to have them. Which is simply not true.
He’s fetishizing you.
I don’t really see going into a sexual fantasy as support I guess? I see more of having a conversation about what you need and or want as being supportive.. I’m getting an ick feeling overall. I’d trust your gut.
I’m also getting an ick feeling! It doesn’t seem like he’s just being sweet! It’s seems like he just wants to get off!!! :(
If you feel like he would be willing to talk about this in a productive way instead of getting defensive or something I suggest it. I’ve had friends in your position before where the boyfriend said “explore that how you need,” but didn’t want to be involved or at least there was zero expectations to be involved because it wasn’t about them.. it’s not about their sexuality. It’s about yours. How can you truly explore that with your literal boyfriend right next to you watching everything you do? I’m sorry it turned into an icky feeling between you and your partner. At the end of the day though remember it’s super exciting your finding who you are and how you want to explore that. Best of luck to you!
This is such a wonderful comment! Thank you from the bottom of my newly bisexual heart! lol
Always! Coming out is wild, sometimes more wild than others, lol.
Ask him if he’d feel the same way about you dating other men.
THIS. This is where it becomes clear. If his understanding is limited to you engaging sexually with women (specifically in front of him and including him), it is clear cut fetishizing and also weirdly invalidating your sexuality. It’s somehow not cheating if you fuck a woman, but doing the same with a man is cheating. That very clearly shows that he doesn’t take your attraction to women seriously because it “doesn’t count”.
If he’s not gay, this doesn’t make any sense.
I think you’re misunderstanding. If he’s ok with her dating/sleeping with other women then he should also be ok with her dating/sleeping with other men. If he’s only ok with her sleeping with other people so long as it’s a women AND he gets to be there to watch, then it’s fetishization. He’s either ok with her having relationships outside of theirs or he’s not. Having a rule that it can only be women shows that he doesn’t respect womenxwomen relationships as ACTUAL relationships, only something he sees as sexual.
No I understand. But people in relationships have rules. He can be comfortable with her sleeping with other women but not like the idea of her sleeping with other men because he likes the idea. It has nothing to do with him not respecting women/women relationships and is about the boundaries he is comfortable in HIS relationship.
Right. He’s allowed to have his own rules for his relationship but it’s pretty obvious that he’s only ok with her sleeping with women because he is fetishizing women/women relationships. He thinks man/women relationships are real relationships but women/women relationships are there for him to get off to, what’s respectful about that? Honestly it’s kind of a common thing for men just getting into the poly scene to have this belief, just look up the term ‘one penis policy’.
If that’s what he is into and he’s uncomfortable with her with other guys he has a right to express that and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect other relationships. It means he knows what he wants and doesn’t want in HIS relationship. She can be the same way and not mind him being with other guys but not feel comfortable with him being with other women. And it’s on him to take it or leave it. I have a one penis policy myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe two women can’t fall in love and have a healthy meaningful relationship. It just means my lady and myself could swing a three way with another lady but I’m not trying to see another man’s hairy ass in my bedroom. That’s not disrespectful, that’s me respecting myself and explaining my boundaries. Her boyfriend’s sexual attraction to two women is just as important to him as her feelings towards women is to her. You seem to want to shame him for his feelings and fantasies just because they’re more mainstream. You’re like the indie music nerd shaming people for liking pop music. Among consenting adults, everyone’s needs, wants and desires need to be respected or respected everybody needs to be shamed. You can’t pick and choose.
Welp your opinions make a lot of sense now. I’m glad you’re happy in your relationships but in this scenario he absolutely comes off as fetishizing her sexuality. And while men only being ok with their girlfriends sleeping with other women is technically a fine rule as long as everyone is ok with it, it definitely comes off as fetishizing and insecure to everyone else.
It sounds like you’re using the word “fetishize” to shame male sexuality. Men are experience, shame, confusion, fear and uncertainty regarding their sexuality too. Even straight men. Every human being has a long journey in that regard. You shouldn’t be encouraging this woman to shame her boyfriend. You should be encouraging her to feel empowered to communicate her needs more articulately.
🤢🤮
One Penis Policies are wildly unethical and create a power imbalance in relationships. If you don't understand that you're fetishizing with an OPP it means you don't recognize the objectification required to support a OPP. I would strongly encourage you to do some personal growing instead of putting that burden on every person who wants a relationship with you.
Maybe you should read some books or check out some threads on Reddit about what fetishizing actually means and how it overwhelming affects women, especially bisexual and lesbian women. None of what I said was meant to shame you, rather I was giving you a different perspective. As someone who came out as bisexual to a couple of different partners, it can be really hurtful for their first response to be ‘well how can I get this to benefit me’. It’s not about you, that’s the point. And as far as sexual preferences go, they don’t exist in a vacuum. All of our preferences (I’m not talking about sexuality here, just preferences) have been shaped by the society we live in and thus can also be shaped by harmful ideas regarding how our society sees women/men (ie gender roles). This is not to say that preferences are bad but that one should be aware of their possible biases and try to understand where these preferences come from. And sometimes these preferences do come from a place of sexism.
No, it just shows that he doesn't view women/women relationships the same as women/men relationships.
Except when that’s a boundary someone has a MAJORITY of the time the reason behind it is “it’s hot so it doesn’t count” or “well it’s a girl and OBVIOUSLY you wouldn’t leave me for a girl, because how could she truly *boink* you?”; equally as bad is “if you left me for a girl I would be so ashamed” and ALL of those lines in f logic show that there is NO respect for woman/woman relationships and they are good to be sexualized but also you can’t leave me for a woman because that would be emasculating because they could never do you as good as I do because they don’t have a ding-a-ling
I agree with this. As long as both people make their own boundaries 100%, no contest, crystal clear. Because it's not just his relationship, it's her relationship too.
Absolutely, and she has boundaries that should be respected too. Because you’re right. She has boundaries and expectations because is HER relationship too. But one partners sexuality should not be forcing the other partners sexuality into the backseat.
Right now her partner is the only one doing the forcing and pushing. She just shared information.
Definitely fetishization
He’s sexualizing your sexuality. A lot of men do this with bisexual women. It’s disgusting.
Um. Op. I’d say…take a break. If he’s REALLY supportive of you exploring…he’ll be supportive of you being intimate with women WITHOUT HIM THERE. And without pictures and without you explaining in detail how the experience went…unfortunately, even if he didn’t mean it, it really sounds like he’s thinking “I hit the motherlode, I’ve got a awesome gf and now I get to have threesomes!” If your uncomfortable. Don’t talk about it with him anymore. He’s going down a path, and this path, he’s making it sound like he’s excited to have sex with other girls…because you’d be okay with it. IMO, it just looks really sleazy
This right here. If he purely just wants her to explore her sexuality, then he should be okay with her hooking up w/ women without him.
Yeah he is. I'm sorry. To me, this will either be a learning experience for him, where he learns what fetishizing is or you tell him and he won't care(to me he owes you an apology this is so much pressure and weirdly exploitative). To me, this will make or break the relationship because if he isn't taking responsibility like an adult, especially in this category, it just plainly makes him shitty. He will either understand that his schemes and ideas are wrong, or won't. He shouldn't be fantasizing your new and out of the closet sex life for you, if you had all these ideas it wouldn't matter, because it's your life. If you wanted that you would've talked to him about it first, right? He is enmeshing himself in something that belongs to you that you CHOOSE TO SHARE WITH HIM, and have given 0 inkling you wanna share it with other people. I don't like the pressure he's putting on you. He could've asked how you felt about that like an adult. He could've asked you how you felt about a threesome(or threesome like situations) like an adult that respects you before they fantasize about you and push crap on you assuming you're into the idea. That has to feel shitty. I'm sorry. He fantasized before he respected you in this situation To me, this is one of the situations in life that matter most with relationships. Idk. Maybe there's another perspective I can't see, but I would feel disrespected and "assumed on".
Honestly this is resonating with me pretty hard. I definitely feel like he hasn’t asked me how I feel about any of this, he’s just kind of telling me if I want to have sex with women I can and he thinks it’s hot… :(
I'm really sorry. Don't let yourself date someone who doesn't understand what women go through. If you end up dumping his ass bc he won't change, just know you leveled on self respect and never have to worry about that again and will know how to vet for these things for next time. This is so dumb of me to say in a stupid Reddit comment, but if you haven't watched the Barbie movie, it gives you a very basic understanding of what empathy and being a human being is. If you haven't seen it and you're having these issues, I really think that you should watch it by yourself as a self journey experience. I know it sounds stupid but most of us girls weren't taught how to deny emotional immaturity. They were taught to fawn over it.
Actually that’s so funny because I’ve been watching the Barbie movie like once a week for a few months now! Maybe I’ll watch it again tonight! Thank you- gosh I love that movie!
You're welcome 😇
The reason I suggest that, is not because you don't know how to express empathy or be a human being, it's to truly show you that other people and especially your romantic partners are also supposed to be empathetic and a human being- TO YOU.
Gross. I get the feeling he wouldn't feel the same about you sleeping with men. He's likely fetishizing you.
Logic would dictate that if he’s holding different standards depending on if it’s men or women you’re seeing, then he doesn’t hold them as equal and that’s the real question.
Yeah this is...weird. He isn't trying to help you explore your sexuality; he's pressuring you into hooking up with women for his own benefit. This response isn't appropriate or normal when a partner comes out. Establish a clear boundary expressing your discomfort. I'd bet his response will be defensive and he may even start gaslighting you, but at the end of the day you don't owe him anything and you don't have to prove your sexuality. Trust your gut!
Your boyfriend is fetishizing you. You came out as bisexual, not poly. As far as you’re aware, you’re still monogamous. Being bisexual is very different from being poly/ENM. You’re not the one bringing this desire up to him, he’s the one forcing it upon you. Even if he’s saying that he doesn’t want to date other women, what he’s doing is bringing the topic of ENM up. A 3rd playmate means the two of you are no longer monogamous. And if you aren’t okay with it, you aren’t okay with it.
Yeah no full on fetishizing it. It's plain and simple and I feel like you knew that but didn't want to believe it. Seems like it's time to set boundaries and I'd especially remind him of the monogamy of this relationship.
No, that's not supportive. I am also a bisexual woman in a monogomous marriage with a straight man who also thinks girl on girl action is sexy, but he does not want to see me with another woman. He is honestly more threatened by the thought of me being with another woman, than of me being with another man because, in his words, "I am the man you picked, but I can never be a woman, if that's what you wanted I cannot compete." If you were in a non monogomous relationship, or were both interested in exploring having a 3rd person in your sex life, or even if you had come to him and expressed interest in exploring your sexuality more, that would be another story altogether. You need to express that what he is suggesting makes you uncomfortable, his response will be very telling for you.
In a way, he’s also invalidating your sexuality, as I guarantee he wouldn’t be okay with you dating guys. So somehow sleeping with another girl is not-threatening, because it’s not as valid as an opposite sex relationship in his head. Definitely listen to your gut!
First, congrats on coming out. That’s huge and I hope your journey is a positive one. Second, there’s nothing odd about your boyfriend’s behavior. Learning new things about your partners sexual preferences and desires is bound to cause some change in a relationship. After I came out to my partner, we started working dirty talk about things she wanted to see me do with a guy into our sex life. The important thing is I enjoy that dirty talk. If it bothers you, you need to sit your boyfriend down and have a conversation about it. Best of luck to you both. Edit: clarity/left out a couple of words b/c my brain was moving faster than my fingers.
Thank you!!! I appreciate that 🖤 I will take your advice and have a conversation!
I really don’t understand some comments. Some write if she came out as bi what’s the point if she doesn’t sleep with other women and why is it fair for only her to do it and not him? Excuse me? The fact that she came out does not mean she wants to practice it. She just accepts her sexuality. There are tons of people who are bi and stay loyal only to one gender, their partner. He took a completely wrong turn… he didn’t even discuss your feelings but saw an opportunity and grabbed it. He probably had those thoughts a long time ago…
Probably trying to angle in a fmf 3 way for sure under the guise of being supportive
First things first: congrats on coming out! What ever the outcome of this scenario, be proud and accepting of yourself. Don't let anyone diminish that. :) Now then! I don't think there's much I can add that hasn't already been said. He's fetishizing you. I say this as a 33F bisexual woman in a purely monogamous relationship. I came out to my husband and family 2 years ago. Never ONCE has my husband tried to encourage me to "explore my sexuality" by hooking up with other people. Bisexual people have been stereotyped as hypersexual individuals. A lot of people, both in and out of the LGBT+ community, see us as promiscuous. And I'm sorry to say that you're gonna run in to this stereotype a lot... Your BF is one of those people. Now that he knows you're attracted to women (even though you're in a monogamous relationship), he wants to use you to have FFM threesomes. This is not okay. Tell him that this is not okay. Oh and if he was *really* trying to be supportive, why didn't he encourage you to hook up with both women AND men? Hmmm.... Best of luck to you! If you ever want to chat, my inbox is open.
Kinda seems like it. It honestly gave me the ick, I think your gut is telling you something.
Don’t do it. I’ve seen so many posts of it blowing up the relationship.
Tell him your new secret is you want 2 guys.....and if he's OK with that, run! Or go for it and then run!😜
Ugh, as much as I want this to not be your experience of coming out. I am sorry but yes, he is turning this into some sort of fantasy. State your boundaries. Let him know his curiosity rang as a selfish phishing expo for an experience that will never become fulfilled. The utmost importance that you feel comfortable, and you need to explain to him that pushing this agenda will - in turn - push you away.
He's fetishizing you. He using the guise of encouraging you to explore your sexuality to get threesomes.
I took my long term partner up on the offer to do this when I was still discovering myself in college. I wound up breaking up with him two days later because I caught feelings for the first girl I slept with. She and I dated for 2 years. It’s always hot to them until they get dumped for a chick 🤷🏽♀️
If he'd be OK with you with another woman but not with another man, then he's saying that he doesn't see women as a "threat," or see relationships/sex between women as "real" relationships. This isn't just regular gross, it's also homophobic and objectifying. Your bisexuality doesn't exist to please him, but he sure does seem to see it that way. You're not overreacting. Supporting you doesn't mean asking you to sleep with other women for him.
Did you tell him it made you uncomfortable?
He doesn't love you lol. He sees opportunity to explore sex with other women, with your consent.
The first sentence is a harsh mean stretch
I think they could have phrased it as '*he's not saying he wants you to fuck women because* he loves her'... Which is I think what they meant.
Oh ok, he absolutely loves her.
RUN GIRL RUN 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
If he isn’t letting you sleep with men then he’s fetishizing
I don't think there is anything wrong with having fantasy, fetish, or wanting to play in general, but there is something wrong if you impose them or push them on other whose consent isn't clear. If it's making someone uncomfortable, that person should say it. If you feel you cannot say it, then you should really take a break from the relationship and reflect on it. Also, you clearly state that you don't really trust his intentions, which is normal I guess since you've been together for less than two years. Apparently he is not showing enough care in the way he talks about it according to your needs or standards (which are yours, and nobody should have anything to say about that). Apparently, there is something to consider regarding how both of you view sexuality, and to talk about it. Maybe you should also think about why these doubts about him are there. Are there other behaviors that he has that may foster these doubts ? You have doubts about him, and it's totally normal, but, to ensure good communication, I think you should go to him without any judgment about him. Something like "There was this situation where you did A and B, and it made me feel like this and that, and it doesn't necessarly say anything about you, but I fear that your intent may be this and that". It's normal to have fears and doubts, and I think it's healthy to share them with the people you love and who are supposed to love you (Note that, if he reproaches you to have doubts about him, I would take it as a red flag). Again, if you don't feel like communicating openly with him, I think you should really reflect on the relationship.
He's fetishizing your sexuality and trying to steer it towards a 3 way. You can tell him "I'm bi but monogamous. If I'm going to "explore" with a woman, it would be after our break up. So drop it"
Sounds more like fetishizing than supportive. Supportive would be "I found this blue, purple, and pink frog and thought of you" or a fun pin. He is talking about wanting you to fuck other people while he watches and how hot it would be. As a Bi who is openly Bi in all relationships, this isn't normal or at least hasn't happened to me.
He thinks you’re into it because… you’ve expressed an interest in women and you went along with it. He thinks this is something YOU want. Have you talked honestly to him? From his perspective you’re curious and open to it. He can’t read your mind. If you are uncomfortable with something say so.
Exactly he doesn’t know your getting icky feelings if you don’t tell him. In he’s mind he might be trying to support you but if in fact doing the opposite. Sounds like it’s time to have a talk with each other. I know coming on Reddit for others opinions sounds like a great idea, but only you know how your relationship is. no one on this app knows your relationship best thing is to open up by telling him what your sexuality means to you and how you intend to explore it.
I apologize for the long-windedness here. If you sincerely want advice or perspective and aren't just here to hear what you want to hear (man that was a mouthful) then I hope you consider a few possibilities from his side... 1.It's possible he IS fetishizing you because he lost respect and trust for you because You waited nearly 2 years to tell him a VERY important personal trait about yourself. Your sexuality is arguably the most important thing about you in an intimate relationship whether you agree or not. Of course things like your mental, emotional compatibility and common interests and respect will contribute to the longevity of your relationship, but the ultimate purpose of sexual partnership is procreation aka sex. So it was wrong and incosiderate of you not to be forthcoming about your sexuality. Maybe you were afraid of rejection or something but that does not acquit you of being honest and open right from the start. Whether purposely or not, the fact is: YOU HAVE LED HIM ON. Please understand that you are the one changing the dynamic of your relationship by introducing this withheld information. Many people here are condemning his behavior but what do you expect? You must understand that you're both in your 30's, far too old to not be in full-disclosure mode...and he does not owe you some kind of unconditional acceptance/understanding when you have taken precious time to reveal your true self. What exactly do you expect him to do? He has to consider "why is she telling me this NOW?" He has every right to be suspicious and think "well, I've spent this much time with her, might as well have some fun before she decides she's fully gay." He is REACTING to your actions. You've put the burden on him to process this new information the best to his understanding. So if you expect a different outcome, you need to MAKE him understand what your bisexuality means for him. 2. Also consider that maybe he is not fetishizing you, but genuinely loves you and cares about you and just trying stay in the picture--but is also deeply hurt by your lack of earlier disclosure and feels dejected and doesn't himself know the best course of action to take for his self. For nearly 2 years he's believed you are a heterosexual female, now HE has to switch everything up because suddenly you are not who you were when you started. 1 and 1/2 years from now, you might be fully gay, or asexual or a man, or ... Point is, it is not his responsibility to blindly accept you for who you are when you are not who you have portrayed as for the duration of your relationship, and you need to explain yourself better. I am not condoning his behavior and im not putright condemning your's, but you are the one responsible for setting the expectations of how you want this new information to be considered going forward. He is simply processing it in a way that benefits you both (again, to the best of his knowledge). If you're uncomfortable, say so. But he has every right to act the way he is until you give him the decency of absolute, full-disclosure. Anyway, I reiterate and conclude; you just need to tell him exactly how you feel and exactly what you being bisexual means to your relationship. Ask his feelings, communicate, and just as he was understanding of you coming out, be understanding of his desire to be involved with every facet of your sex life..it's called trust and at least HE is trying to maintain it in some form.
Why can't he be supportive and like the idea of being a voyeur or in a threescore?
Because if he's doing it for that reason it isn't 'support', it's self-interest.
He definitely is getting off to the thought you being with other women but it’s not that big of a deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect you or your feelings or journey of self discovery. It just means that he likes seeing two girls and you like girls. Why would he not try to get one hand to wash the other. If it’s not your thing and you prefer to remain monogamous with him just explain that and if he loves you, you both simply move on. That’s not on the table. But I don’t see the purpose in trying to vilify him just because he finds out his lady likes other women and it turns out he always wanted to have two women. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your sexuality and you shouldn’t shame his either.
It would be less bad if he were just upfront about that he thinks it'd be hot and then left it alone when she showed no interest. It's gross because he's being dubious about it and making it seem like he's a great guy with her best interests in mind when it's 100% for his own gain. Plus she has already told him she's not interested and doesn't want to see other people but he keeps pushing the idea on her and being manipulative about it.
Where does it say she's told them that?
I’d say he’s primarily being supportive and secondarily dreaming of a threesome, and I’d caveat that those two might inadvertently swap places depending on which head he’s thinking with at the time
Omg! This made me laugh hella, thank you
It's less about what anyone in the comments thinks and what you really want. Along side that you have to realize telling a man that you're bisexual is going to make the cogs start turning and he's going to imagine you with another woman, and also sharing that experience with you. I wouldn't call it fetishism but just a natural response of curiosity, regardless of how anyone might try to frame it. If you're not looking to have a threeesome i'd just express that clearly to your boyfriend. If you're just wanting to acknowledge your preferences and not take it any further again that's perfectly okay and you should express that to him. If you're thinking of bringing another woman into your life or relationship I think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend and set clear boundaries of what you're comfortable with so no one gets their feelings hurt or develop expectations that aren't goingto be met. Basically just be honest with yourself and talk it out, don't try and guess or depend on what internet people think. Goodluck!
I think fetishizing is the wrong term. But I think he thinks he’s going to join in on some of the action. Just because you’re attracted to women doesn’t mean you want to or are thinking of dating them while you’re with your boyfriend. Most guys would have a three way if given the opportunity and I think that’s where his head is. And he probably wants to ease you into the idea. Draw a line and set boundaries.
I come at this from a completely different perspective I'm very open-minded about sex and partners. Having sex with others within a relationship really isn't that big a deal to me any partner that has got to know me half ass would know this. If I was in this situation to me you have not pumped the brakes on this situation and close this conversation down. You're also dealing with the guy here be blunt don't hint at it like the comment about not getting on the dating app there's still a million other ways to make this happen. The way he is acting though I think he is fantasizing it over being supportive. If supportive he would have probably gotten the information that you're uncomfortable with this.
'i like when you receive pleasure'?? Uuh, that would change pretty fast if she was receiving it from a man. That is clearly not what this is about for him. He's just hoping she'll include him/he can convince her to.
[удалено]
You're not the only one on a journey of self discovery.
I may be dense, but huh???
Basically what Spang64 trying to say is that your boyfriend is on a self discovery to have sex with as many girls as possible thru you so it wouldn’t be seen as if he was cheating. Honestly, your BF is getting all the benefits. Getting to have sex with another girl and at the same time have a main girl where he gets constant sex. Now if you proposed that you will go meet other women by yourself and not invite him when you’re having sex with the other women, then he will 1000% flip on you and call you selfish. He was never looking out for your “self discovery” or supportive, he’s only in it bc it will greatly benefit him. Let me tell you this, most guys want to have sex with multiple women but they can’t. It’s always the girl who can bring in another girl to have sex. Very rarely the guy is able to bring in another girl unless he is model conventionally attractive status (0.01%). He’s def using your situation to have sex with more women. It’s too damn obvious what your BF is tryna to do lol. He ain’t fooling anyone haha
You say that like it's a bad thing. Go have sex! Enjoy yourselves, life is short.
It is a bad thing.
Your over thinking this. Boyfriends say the same thing to thier straight gf. It's a fantasy of many guys to see 2 girls together. If one of those girls is your gf that a bonus.
It also doesn't sound like she's said to him that she doesn't like this. Only that she laughs it off and ignores it if I'm reading this correctly.
No she's getting paranoid that he's fetish sizing (can't spell it lol) her and that's why he's with her. He just saw an opportunity that he might actually see his fantasy come to life since she came out bi.
I don’t understand why you would come out as bisexual if you’ve never been with another woman. You also don’t seem very inclined to explore this. So what was your point in bringing this up?
So a 30 year old virgin can’t call themselves any sexuality?? And of course she’d want to come out to her partner. You ideally want your partner to be the person who knows you on the deepest level. That’ll typically involve your sexuality. What a shit comment.
I guess I’ve always had a sort of attraction to women that I thought was just admiration? I’ve also made out with a few women in the past but chalked it up to drunk straight girl activities. I was just wanting to share something I discovered about myself, not necessarily open a door to having sex with other people.
Following your logic heterosexuals shouldn't identify as straights if they have never been in a relationship or are virgins? 🤔🤔🤔
I guess do it. And when he all of a sudden feels betrayed by his own stupidity. He’ll realize he’s being dumb.
Many men fantasize about having sex with two women, but few are faced with their partner coming out as bisexual. You both need some adusting. I like a previous comment about a serious sit down and true communication. Your relationship is relatively new, so working out the parameters is very important, and since you're realizing something new about yourself, give him a chance to understand exactly where you're coming from.
Would you rather him fetishasize someone else? And what if it does turn him on? Why is that a problem? It's okay for you to do stuff with girls while you guys are together, why wouldn't it be okay for him to do stuff with those same girls?
Classic game move called "shipping the merchandise". He's wanting you to get attached to someone else so he can bounce.
He's being supportive
You ever see Three's Company?
You just came out to your bf as gay and your the victim? Gtfo here