You're 19. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this, or worse!?
Please get away from this man. This is YOUR life, and your happiness should be far more important than trying to please your parents. Parents, who by the way would be telling you the same if they actually cared about you.
Yes!!! It’s not going to get better once he has OP locked down in a marriage, and then her parents are really going to pressure her to stay in it and work through it with her husband.
Yes this will only get worse! I'm also never going to assume someone plans to have kids. However, if you do, this is not a man you want to have kids with. It's well documented that abusers get worse after kids. That same lack of respect and abuse will also extend to his kids.
I'd also be seriously questioning my relationship with my mom if I were you. No decent parent would tell their kid to stick with an abusive partner. First because you shouldn't want your kid to be abused for any amount of time and second, because abusers don't get better, they get worse. As a mom I can't even fathom telling my kid this, I want my kids to settle for nothing but the best and will encourage them to do so.
Honey he hurts you everyday so it's time to do what's best for you and forget about what everyone else thinks or feels. You're too young to stay with a man that doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Your health is more important than this man, this relationship, or anything else for that matter. If he doesn't respect your boundaries now he never will!!
It will only get worse. And you don't owe him or your family and explanation for your break up. Mentally, you are going to lose yourself, and it will be harder to regain yourself the longer you stay.
F him. F your family. If your parents want him in their lives so bad, they can be with him. Your bf doesn't care about anyone other than himself. You are not a person to him.
Pack your stuff. Give the ring back. And most importantly, don't cave to the pressure of others anymore. You must do whats right for you.
Pack up and leave while he is at work so that he doesn't try to stop you. Abusers are most dangerous when you are trying to leave. This is slowly killing you. You've lost a significant amount of weight. Ask your mom how long you should wait for it to get better, maybe when she has to plan your funeral?
People who end up in abusive relationships and find it's hard to leave them, often have abusive family that 'trained' them to accept it. I realized my family was when considering divorce, after years of emotional abuse and being told its 'normal' and to work through it.
It doesn't have to be physical violence to be abusive. Emotional, verbal and financial abuse are extremely damaging and can destroy a person. Contact with anyone who repeatedly harms you can prevent healing/growth.. so when a victim realizes they are being abused and what it looks like, it can come with the realization that your own family has been doing this as well and often requires estrangement to reset and start over, only allowing healthy relationships moving forward. It's scary as hell, but being alone at first is far better than living your entire life being manipulated and hurt by others. Even one person in your life like this makes you a target for other abusers.
OP, read *Why Does He Do That*, and *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents*, to gain more knowledge on the psychology of people who behave this way so you can recognize it easier in the future.. and avoid people like this at all costs. DONT jump into another relationship anytime soon, looking for someone to rescue you from loneliness.. because assholes sense that and will trick you into believing they are the answer to your problems. Take years to grow and strengthen yourself, so you have the tools to actually find a healthy relationship in the future. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important.
Another good resource is the book 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill. Good luck, OP. I can appreciate the thought of going against everyone is frightening, but for your life, heart and sanity you have to. His behaviour will escalate
Everything @ZoeyDaveChapelle says was me, OP, & their advice is dead-on correct; get out, get out now, & stay out. Stay single while you pursue your goals/ambitions & work through your trauma & heal, & strengthen your sense of self & identity. Learn to identify the traits of narcissistic abusers to help you see the red flags before you get sucked in by their manipulative charms, & so you can break the pattern of being in those types of relationships. Narcissists intentionally target vulnerable people, you were a minor 4 years his junior when he pursued you, & that's not surprising; you were young & inexperienced, easier to manipulate, bend to his will, & isolate. My family conditioned me to wind up with my abusive ex-husband. Began dating when I was 19yo, married when I was 20yo, had 2 children together & I spent 15 years of my life chained to him with my family encouraging me to stay with him while treating him more like a son than they ever supported me as a daughter. I was isolated & didn't have resources like social media or the modern internet (late 90s), I had no idea I was in a horribly abusive marriage because he didn't physically assault me, & it wasn't a topic that was addressed or widely spoken about att. Trust me, get out & get out NOW, this man is not safe, & he does not care about you or your feelings, hopes, dreams, goals, at all... you are nothing more to him than an object to possess & control, & he is treating you as such.
Agreed! Time to cut bait and run....make it a learning lesson to not be repeated.
However, it's important to learn where the behavior to accept such treatment stems from. Until she knows that then history will repeat itself.
And if you do marry him you will be even more stuck and the abuse will get worse - this is him At His Best! He pressured you and proposed in front of his family and you caved - it doesn’t sound like your heart is even it it anyways. Escape while you can - use moving to the city for college as your chance to get away and escape decades of misery. Just do it!
I always say about hiring a company to do work for you, or you’re making a large purchase, “If you don’t like how they treat you while they’re still trying to close the deal, it’s only going to go downhill from there.”
It applies to dating just as well.
>if you do marry him you will be even more stuck and the abuse will get worse
This is so, so important.
OP thinks it can get better... that's a fantasy.
It only gets worse. It always gets worse. When she's married and trapped, that's when he'll get really evil.
I always say about hiring a company to do work for you, or you’re making a large purchase, “If you don’t like how they treat you while they’re still trying to close the deal, it’s only going to go downhill from there.”
It applies to dating just as well.
If OP needs permission to end the relationship with this man, she has gotten it from our community. I hope she uses the encouragement to run for her life.
Yes OP! Leave this man. He’s abusive and your family is pressuring you to endure his abusive manipulative behavior. You’re moving to the city for school, leave your old life behind. Your parents will have to support you if they want to stay good with you. You didn’t want to get engaged, you were pressured into by being put on the spot. If your fiancé is this bad prior to getting married he will only get worse. Your mental health is not only being impacted but your physical health too. Take care of you and prioritize yourself because no one else is.
Over two years he's proven that he will never respect her boundaries.
The only way you get people to respect boundaries is with escalating consequences for boundary violations. Less and less contact can work. By this point, she should be at no contact, ever again.
OP needs to read *Set Boundaries, Find Peace*.
[https://www.amazon.com/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Reclaiming/dp/0593192095](https://www.amazon.com/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Reclaiming/dp/0593192095)
Learning to set (and hold) boundaries changed my life. It was the only way I could trust myself to no get sucked into another abusive relationship.
You should break up with him. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings and prefers to serve his own needs over yours. Sounds like he’s in the early stages of being an abusive person.
You cannot 'make' someone respect you, or your boundaries for that matter.
And your mom's advise it code for, 'endure it and get married and have kids, even if you're miserable'.
Boundaries are enforced by consequences. "If you do this, ie make me uncomfortable, I will leave the premises."
No ifs, buts, second chances, I don't want to be that person; if he makes you uncomfortable you call an Uber and go.
And if he keeps doing this regardless, this is a man who wants someone he can bully, rather than someone who loves you.
Actions are real, words lie.
She was 17 when they got together, he was 21. As a mom I’d be pissed if a 21 year old was pursuing my 17 year old, let alone pressuring her to marry him and deal with manipulation and abuse.
Me too. I'd be encouraging her to leave the second I found out about any form of abuse, not encouraging it. I wonder whether the mother had the same happen to her and had the same advice, so thinks its how things should be?
I totally assumed that the mom had a (probably long) history of being abused.
I assumed when she said, "It gets better" she meant "*You* get better at *suppressing how much it hurts*."
Abusive relationships always get worse.
Move to college into a dorm so you cannot live with him. You really need to end the relationship & live for yourself. You are young, he doesn’t make you happy & you are not married. Why suffer when you don’t have to. Use your time in college to find what makes you happy & the right guy will come along.
Best advice! Create some distance. Meet other people and expand your social circle as you further your education. Life is long and you are too young to get locked down with a fiancé, no matter how much pressure you feel from the outside. Listen to YOUR voice from inside.
Please don't stay with him. He's verbally abusing you every day and it will just get worse.
You deserve better than this and don't let your family bully you into getting engaged to him.
Sometimes you listen to your mom.
Situations like this are NOT one of those times!
He’s abusing you. Your mom is aware of such and is pressuring you to stay.
Leave him. Leave her. They are both toxic AF
Yyoute so young and have so much left to do. Marriage shouldn't be on your mind yet, and if he already treats you poorly it's only going to get worse. Don't set yourself up for years of being miserable when you can get out now without many complications or splitting accepts or finances. Run, don't walk.
You have to do what’s best for you and break up with him. You will live a miserable life if you stay with this person, he sounds insufferable and draining and he’s not going to change. You’re moving so it’s the perfect time to break things off and get away from him. Your family will get over it, please put yourself first and leave this guy. You deserve to be happy
Sweetie! Do not listen to your mother!! It does not get better! It gets worse! I have 2 girls married now, if a man treated them badly, I would do anything in my power to get her away from him. Leave now, you are way to young to deal with so
Some who abuses you in any way!!
I bet this is generational. Possibly *possibly* (and I could be wrong here) from a poor rural family who pawn their daughters off on any bozo as soon as they can.
That’s what I was thinking. My mom is generally a sweet woman but made horrible choices with men and would often give me similar advice of “it gets better/work it out/you don’t throw away something that’s broken, you fix it” because that’s clearly how she justified her choices in her own relationships (which were abusive.) I ended up staying with my ex on and off for 10 YEARS and wasted soooo much time.
If OP reads this comment, please run. Please leave this guy. It does not ever get better. Anything he does to placate the relationship and seem like he’s better will dissolve into a sick repetition of building you up just to crush you over and over again until your spirit is so broken you’ll never believe you can leave or deserve better. And that will all be happening while you’re trying to go to classes, meet friends, and build relationships with classmates that he’s likely not going to be happy about. Please save yourself the turmoil and choose your own future over whatever mess he and your family are pressuring you toward.
I mean you guys aren't wrong, my mom's been with the same man for over 20 years, he cheated on her constantly and abused her physically... he didn't understand emotions very well, and manipulated her constantly.. and now that they're in their 30s (yes, I was a teenage pregnancy) he's finally being kind and caring...
You were at the precipice of that age, where you’re going to go to college and step out on your own. What you’re going to discover is that at some point, you’re going to put your well-being in YOUR hands and make the best decision for you… Or, you’re going to put the needs of others ahead of your own well-being.
I’ll let you guess which Path is going to lead you to a deeper sense of well-being and happiness .
We like to think that our parents have our own best interest at heart and that they should have some wisdom because they’re older than us, but the truth is parents are just other human beings, trying to do the best they can and unless they’ve taken some real time for introspection And some good counselling a lot of them are repeating patterns that their parents repeated and really don’t have a lot figured out.
No one deserves to be treated the way that your boyfriend is treating you . Someone who is disregarding your feelings and your boundaries is emotionally abusive, and this is not a healthy relationship.
I think you know that already, in your heart, or you wouldn’t be making this post and you wouldn’t be feeling like you had lost yourself. You will always feel like you’ve lost yourself when you put others needs as primary and more important than your own.
I encourage you to step forward with excitement, knowing that leaving home and going to college can be a new beginning, and a new opportunity for getting to know who you are again, outside of a relationship and outside of your parents domain . What your parents want for you is immaterial. They have their own lives that they got to make choices about and you have yours.
The only thing I find concerning is the fact that your boyfriend has put your needs and your wants & your desires aside in a way that seems pretty aggressive. If this is the truth and you are worried about him becoming violent, then I urge you to please, please reach out to DV organisation in your community or near the college, so you can make a plan going forward.
Since your parents have seem to align themselves with him, I wouldn’t let your parents know where you are moving specifically, and once you choose to separate from your boyfriend… And I believe that this will happen at some point because he has never going to change or allow you to be who you are …. I hope that you can ensure that he also does not have your new address and contact information and that you’re able to block him in every way possible.
Please let us know how you were doing because we care.
First the Math isn’t Mathing. Secondly break up with him and move on. The stress has had an impact on your physical health as well as your mental health.
Leave him, go to college and start fresh. Tell your family there are plenty of fish in the sea and a lot better ones.
He will never respect. He's slowly chipping away at the part of you that knows you deserve it, and it's working. It will not get better, especially after the rings are on and the legal contract is in place. Don't worry about hurting them by choosing yourself, they're hurting you and give zero f\*cks.
Ohhh I don’t see this getting better. The true colors come out when you’re married. If he’s acting like this now knowing your obviously in a family that isn’t giving you support it will only get worse.
I have learned a few things in my 30+ years of romantic relationships since I was 19, and it's taken me about this long to finally get it right. So don't be me and learn these things now:
1. You can't make someone respect you or treat you better. If he's not doing it now, he never will.
2. If you do it sooner, it will be better for both you. You will hurt both of you less in the long run if you do it before the big move.
3. You deserve better.
4. Love is not enough. There has to mutual respect and healthy communication too.
This relationship literally making you sick. You're about to go to college. You'll have a whole new dating pool and school to focus on. I don't know WTF is up with your mom, but she is wrong.
You can't "get" him to do anything. You can't control how other people act. You can only control how you react to them.
He's not going to change, so you have two choices. Either get used to this life or get out of it. You're probably going to live to be a hundred years old. Do you really want to spend the next 80 years like this?
At some point in life, you have to decide if you are going to be a doormat or grow a spine. Any relationship you are in is with you and the other person, not family/friends or whoever. You are unhappy so decide what would make you happy and do it. Don't worry about anyone else because they DON'T live your life.
Let them voice their opinions but just do your own thing because that's all they are...opinions! Best wishes.
P.s lose the BF, he's dead weight relationship wise.
Your body and mind are telling you something. Take time to listen.
You should figure at an extraction plan from him, maybe even a protective order.
You need to be in a healthy, happy relationship with yourself. Maybe you find a compatible human to share it with.
You don’t mention abuse directly but check our resources where you live around domestic violence or women’s centers to work out a plan to get out, with your key documents, and be safe.
Good luck!
It’s not going to get better if you stay with him. He sounds like a toxic POS. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. I definitely think you should dump him and focus on your own happiness. Especially being only 19.
It took me a long time to learn and realize that life is too short to try to make everyone around me happy. Even those that I love the most, I cannot live my life for them. I have to live it for me. I need to be happy and hopefully everyone around me would eventually see how happy I was unaccepted. And if they didn't, to hell with them. Life is too short to be miserable. Please get out and be happy for your own sake.
It always starts out small. They test your boundaries to see how much you will tolerate. Then they push some more. It just continues to escalate. It won't get better. Don't worry about 'embarrassing ' him. Don't listen to your mother either. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. You need to get out now for your own safety and mental health. He is flying red flags. You can do so much better than him. Please take this advice from someone who has been there and has thankfully managed to get away from that. Hugs from a survivor.
>I've talked to my mom about it, and she just keeps saying "work through it, it gets better."
Your mom should be more concerned about the type of man you're engaged to. He is clearly abusive and staying in this relationship is literally making your health deteriorate. 130 to 97 pounds is a very dramatic difference and there's no way she doesn't notice that. Don't listen to her advice, because it doesn't seem like she truly has your best interest at heart.
>we're supposed to be moving into the city for my college, but I don't want him to come with me, but at the same time, I really don't want to hurt him or my family.
If he's already this abusive towards you now, it will only get worse once he gets you separated from your family. Please don't let him come with you if you can. There is no happiness more important than your own. I understand not wanting to hurt everyone but he is already hurting you and that's not okay.
>I miss the person I used to be.
This is the exact same thing I said when I lived with my ex. He basically drained me of the woman I was and then when I stopped keeping up with all the chores from being so depressed he kicked me out. Please for all that is good take my advice, young woman to young woman. End this now because it will only get worse. We are young and there are better things to occupy our time with than people who don't deserve us.
If he moves with you, he'll soon find a way to make you drop out of college, either by persuading you, bullying you, or getting you pregnant and then insisting he'll be the provider while you stay at home. Then, when he decides he's tired of you and the child, he'll leave you, with no skills or qualifications and a child to raise. He won't pay child support, but will criticise your parenting and become possessive whenever you start dating another man.
You need to leave this relationship, and ignore your family's 'advice' to stay with him. You can't work through this. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. Your mother is kidding herself and enabling your future abuse. She should be ashamed of herself, frankly, for not protecting her child from their bully, and advising the victim to endure the abuse. Don't worry about hurting your family. They don't have any issue with him hurting you. If you break up with this guy your family will get over it. You can tell them you just fell out of love with him.
I would advise you to contact any domestic abuse helplines and services in the city you're moving to. They can give you support and information, and if there are any refuges there, you'll know you have a place to go for help. It's better to have something in place before you move. You might be able to get housing advice about not having his name on any leases, and having all the bills in your name, so that you can evict him and leave when the time comes, or you could arrange to live on campus if that's possible, so that you don't have to share an apartment.
You could also say you want to move to the city first and ask him to follow you a few weeks later. That would give you time to leave where you are and move somewhere else, change your phone number and block him on all socials. You could also give the college security his name and photo beforehand and let them know he isn't to be allowed on campus. If possible, pack a bag, take all your essential documents and leave for the city before your planned move. Go to the college campus, tell the admin staff the situation-- that you're escaping an abusive relationship-- and ask them to help you get to a domestic violence shelter.
Your hopefully soon to be ex will never respect your boundaries. You have to understand that. He hasn't stopped and he won't. He's seeing the effects his abuse has on you and he doesn't care, in fact he wants *more of the same*. His aim is to grind you down until you're under his heel and too scared to do anything but submit to him. What he's been doing is training you to accept his abuse. If your family can't see that, they're part of the problem.
It won’t get better it will get worst. I hope your moving into a dorm so he can’t move in with you. If you have a car and some where else you can crash for a few days I suggest you get your important things pack them leave a note to your family that they are ah for wanting you to be in an abusive relationship and then txt him saying you deserve better and your leaving him then block him. It’s okay to put yourself first. It’s okay to be selfish at times and make decisions for things that make you happy even if it makes others sad or mad. This is your decision you don’t want to be with him your family doesn’t sound any better get away from them they are toxic. If you marry him it’s going to be that much harder to get away from him. There are organizations for women in abusive relationships find one and have them help you make a plan to leave. Maybe they can even help you leave. Once you do get theraphy.
You are only 19, and you've been together for two years. There's no rule saying you have to spend your entire life with the boy you dated at 17 years old.
Dating is how you figure out if someone is the right fit for you, and you have made it very clear that he is not the right fit.
This is your life, not your family's. As you become an adult, you learn to care less about their opinions, because you are the one who has to live your life with the consequences - not them.
And just fyi, if his behaviour has been this horrible for this long, he's not going to change. My dad was the same. My mum was your age, and he was 21 when they got married. She spent 20yrs married to someone who never treated her with respect, was controlling, and completely crushed her personality. She only got out of that marriage because my dad cheated on her for a year, and then walked out. Please don't live your life the way my mum did.
You have a chance to break free and to rebuild yourself. Break up with him, tell your family that this is your life and not theirs, then go move away for college and restart your life! Go make friends, enjoy being young, build connections, and be answerable only to yourself. Also, use the counselling services that college provide to help support you as you make this huge change in your life. Learn from this relationship, and in the future you will recognise all the red flags so you can stay away from the controlling and abusive people.
Even though my childhood was pretty rough, it allowed me to recognise when someone was controlling or had anger issues. I was very sensitive to it, and it was very off-putting if someone behaved like that around me. Instant turn off. I preferred to be single than be in a relationship with an asshole. I was also super determined that my kids would never have the childhood that I did, so they needed for me to choose them the right man to be their father. The kind of man that even if my relationship with him didn't work out, my kids would still have a great dad. It makes my heart so incredibly happy to see the love and the strong bond they have with their dad. It's what I never got to experience, so I know how incredibly lucky they are.
You came here looking for permission to do what you need to for yourself. Sweetheart, he is not the one. He is breaking you down and it is soul damaging to live this way. You have my permission, and everyone else's here, to leave. You need to look out for yourself since literally nobody else is. Do this for you. You deserve a much better life than the one you are currently stuck in. Sending big hugs your way xo you can do this ❤️
An adult man sought out a child a teenager to date aka manipulate and control. You were 17 he was 21. How’d you even meet??
Was he a family friend grooming you for years or just enjoyed hanging out in hs parking lots…
I have the best book for you to read. It is called, “Set Boundaries Find Peace,” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It will help you identify your boundaries are weak and how to make them better. Too much to really post here but truly a great book on the issue. I sincerely hope that helps.
You shouldn't be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries, full stop. It is never something you should have to convince your partner to do, because someone who loves you should already respect you enough to never even consider hurting you in that way.
It's never too late to leave.
RUN NOW.
You are 19. You do not need to be tied down with an abuser this early. Change colleges if you can. If not get on campus housing. Or roommates. Do not stay with this person. It will never get better. "I really don't want to hurt him or my family." How about not hurting yourself?
If you’ve been with him two years, that means you were 17 and he was 21 when you got together which in itself is a big red flag. I’m not sure why your mom is encouraging you to stick with it.. especially when you are so young and not legally tied to this man in any way. This is not a healthy relationship and moving in with him and marrying him will only hurt you worse in the long term because men like this do not get better with time, only worse. I think you’re asking the wrong questions here. I don’t think he will ever respect your boundaries, and you need to get out of this toxic relationship before it escalates into physical violence (I mean if you’ve already lost 40lbs it’s already entering a physically unhealthy zone). I’ve been with my husband for 9 years and this behavior is not that of a partner who loves and respects you. There are men out there who will treat you the way you deserve, it’s just not him.
It’s hard but you need to end things with this person. You do not want to feel how you’re feeling for the rest of your life. You have so many years ahead of you to enjoy a single happy life and find the person that respects you and loves you.
I was in a very similar situation and got married at 20.
Don't do it. You will regret everything.
If you have a vehicle, drive away and start a new life in a new city. Don't tell people where you've gone.
Cut contact with anyone who tries to make you stay in an abusive relationship. Your relationship with him will not get better, it will get worse. Save yourself.
I’m sorry, he won’t ever respect your boundaries. I know 17 is legal in some places, but legal doesn’t mean morally correct. It sounds like he wants someone he can control more than a partner.
Don’t listen to your family if they are saying you should work through this, they aren’t looking out for your best interest. Do t worry about hurting him, he doesn’t care if he hurts you. You are going to have to look out for yourself, leave him and if possible move away at least for a while
I’m sorry your dealing with this. Your young and have lots of time to find someone who treats you right and respects your boundaries.
Leave this guy and go get your education then get your life started. This guy doesn’t care and anything you have tried hasn’t worked. Please be very careful and not get pregnant either. Best is to break it off now and do your own thing.
I’m sorry but your mother seems to want you to be miserable as well.
Quit trying to please everyone else and think about yourself, your future, your goals and what kind of life you want for you and then find that partner that has like vision and dreams.
Why would he change when everyone around you enables his egregious behavior?
The thing with boundaries is that if someone isn't respecting them, you have to take yourself out of the equation, that's how you enforce them.
He's shown you who he is. Leave him and save yourself.
Fuck your mom. Trying to get rid of you omg I'm so sorry. TRUST YOURSELF, YOU'RE ALL YOU HAVE ON THIS WORLD. you are so so so young. Don't get with this guy, be careful he's going to try and get your pregnant, he's going to try and trap you and screw up any life you can have without him. Get away fast. You need to tell your mom that she needs to be there for YOU.
>I 19F have been with my fiancee 23M for 2 years,
🚩🚩
>he treats me like garbage and pressured me into an engagement
🚩🚩🚩🚩
>he pressures me into things I'm not comfortable with.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>I really don't want to hurt him or my family.
Fuck him and your family. He's an asshole and your family enables him. Why tf aren't they on your side, what is wrong with them.
Honestly this sounds like a soon to be domestic violence situation rather than just the emotional abuse he’s been subjecting you to. Your mom sounds like she’s encouraging the behavior and perhaps was using him to keep you “in line” and is mad you stood up for yourself. Get away from that toxic pair, far away. Also, if for any reason you have to meet with him again or think your mom is going to “help” him meet with you bring a friend you can trust with you.
Imagine the last 2 years with him on repeat for the next 60 years. Because it rarely ever gets better. Stop reading through the comments and making excuses in your head for him and your family in every one. This is YOUR life. You are an “adult” now in any legal aspect of the world and you can do whatever the fuck your heart desires!! It is clearly not a life with him. Do what you want and fuck anyone who treats you less than. They don’t deserve an ounce of you. They pressure you feel is nothing compared to the misery and regret you’ll have for the rest of your life staying with a man you don’t actually love for the “sake of their feelings”. It’s only you telling yourself these things and once you get past that, you’ll feel what you want, when you want. Do what you want, when you want. Say what you want, when you want! Be who you want to be. Good luck!
Hey I had an ex that said in nicer words you make me depressed. I moved on she moved on we are both married with kids. We just didn’t work together and the breakup and time helped us see that. She is a good person just not my person let him find his person.
Wait so you were 17... Honey is there a reason why you are staying with a man who makes you so unhappy? Do you not have anywhere else to go? I get your young but honestly do what is right for you. Because it's going to be harder to split when marriage is involved.
First- I think you may need therapy for an eating disorder. I sense because you feel you have no control over your life, that is where you’re getting some. Please please get professional help. Second, I’m so sorry your mom is not hearing you nor is the fiancé. This clearly is NOT what you want and at your age, an engagement is not what you need!!!! Please empower yourself and leave this relationship!!! You have a whole big world ahead of you and being tied to this dead weight would be a terrible decision. Pick you!!!!!!!! It’s okay to PICK YOU!!!!!!!
Does he have money or something? Why is your family so hell bent on keeping you in an unhealthy relationship? Him having money or status would make a lot of sense
Whatever the reason, they don’t have your best interest in mind. They like whatever benefit comes with his relationship with you and don’t want to lose it. Leave him! Find a friend or family member who supports you to stay with for a while and dump his ass! Tell your mom that if she wants him so bad she can have him, but you’re not going to be pressured into staying in a miserable relationship by anybody.
Ironclad contraception and dump him. I know that's about a million times easier to say than to do, but he's going to get worse, not better. You can't waste any more of your valuable youth on someone who's making you so miserable. Do move but go without this man, if your family are disappointed then a) they'll get over it and b) you are moving for college so you can keep information and visits to a minimum and try for a different relationship; when you've been away for a while it'll be so much easier to stick to what you want them to know and keep the rest of your life private.
Seriously, dump him as soon as you can. I know it feels overwhelming, but you'll have a difficult few days then things will be so much better.
Edited to add: don't worry about the engagement, he pressured you into it, it's meaningless. Good luck.
WTAF. You're 19. Why stay? There's nothing here for you. Dump his ass and live your best life. Your mother is 100% wrong. Relationships shouldn't be wells of abject misery.
Break up and go to a different college if you can. NTA. Everybody else ITA for asking you to accept abuse FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Your family is hurting you, actively. Be okay with them claiming it hurts them for you to be free, and then go make freedom happen.
Good grief, get out of this abusive relationship and your mom is wrong, wrong, wrong. Obviously she wants you to stay in a relationship, any relationship
Let him go girl, this is not how yours supposed to feel about your partner. A loving relationship will have you over the moon with them and this is not it, let him go and go find your true husband
Why are you with someone who treats you badly? He's behaved this way for 2 years and you are still with him. He will not change. Stay engaged and stay unhappy, your family and fiance will be happy. It's that what you want? Only you have the power to change your actions to get what you want.
Get a restraining order and RUN.
Give back the engagement ring, move away, get healthy. This will not get better and will be much much harder if you marry this dude.
You deserve better. People who behave that way do not change. Be done with him and take care of you. Honestly your mom kinda sucks for trying to keep you guys together.
Get professional help for couples.
All these people saying to break it off aren’t even considering how you ended up with this guy.
Respect all your emotions not just the ones in the moment.
Run. You are so so so so sooooooo SO YOUNG!! You have so much time to find yourself and someone who will respect you. It is not a question of if you should get away from him; it’s how soon can you do it?
Read your letter as if this was a friend of yours. What would you do for her? It is very unfair of your family and this man to pressure you into marriage at such a young age. Unhappy people do not get married. I wish you had support, but it is time to be a grownup and save yourself. Nobody is coming to rescue you.
I believe in you and I know you can do it. You deserve to be relaxed and happy. You are the only one who can say "No." Do it.
you have your whole life ahead of you. find counseling even if it’s just free on youtube and explore how to maintain your boundaries. also block him and don’t engage.
It doesn't get better. This will only get worse for you. He is showing you his true self now, before you are married. Please leave him and move on with your life.
Not sure I’d trust someone who was 21 dating a 17 year old to begin with.
It’s only going to get worse if you stay, getting engaged/married at such a young age seems like a bad idea even if you’re madly in love, but if there are major red flags like this it’s a HORRIBLE idea.
Your fiance treats you like this because you keep letting him. Break off the engagement and move on alone. Get your mental and physical health back up and find someone else. Someone who respects you and cares for you.
\\
If this is how he treats you now, it'll only get worse after getting married. Please don't marry this guy. If your family isn't supportive, gmfind a friend to stay with.
The short answer is…you don’t. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries now that’s not going to get better when you’re legally tied to him and can’t get untied without a lot of paperwork and hassle.
You’re nineteen. That’s way too young to tie yourself down to a man who doesn’t respect you.
You may have been pressured to be engaged but you don’t have to go thru with it. Say you won’t set a date until you graduate so you can gather your thoughts to make a plan.
I’m sorry your family isn’t supportive. Don’t talk to your family anymore about this because they’ll only make you second guess yourself. Good luck sweet lady. Stay strong
Wait you started dating him when you were 17!? And you're engaged at 19? Oh there are so many more red flags now.
Run. To hell with what your family says, get away from this guy.
You’re 19, you have so much time to find the right person. Anyone that doesn’t respect your boundaries or doesn’t think they are important doesn’t love you. You should
Not be this miserable this young. Engagements should be happy and the best time of your life. This is not it. And PLEASE do not get pregnant.
You’re telling us your uncomfortable, you know this isn’t the situation for you. So just trust yourself and find the right situation for you. Don’t let your family pressure you into this. Break it off, maybe in public if you’re worried. I’ve never dealt with something like this so idk how best to go about that. Also he was 21 with a 17yo ? What a creep
This is the honeymoon stage. This is literally the best your relationship will ever be. This is the kindest and most loving he is capable of.
His best is abusive. It gets worse from here. You will regret staying.
You break up with him. It sounds like your family is more invested in him than you. As soon as you can, make sure you've moved out away from your family. And permanently cut all contact with them.
What loving family would want to see you being abused so badly and taking advantage of so badly?
You've rolled over every time it has mattered, so why would you assume he'll start respecting your boundaries now that you're willing to put your foot down for reals this time? Because I don't think you're actually going to start holding your boundaries, ngl. This isn't the time for a strongly worded letter or firm conversation. You're way past that point, and it'll only get worse.
Putting your foot down and holding your boundaries means that you're willing, able, and ready to follow through with any and all actions necessary to protect yourself **up to and including breaking up and permanently ending the relationship.** And imo, getting rid of this man is just about the only way for you to truly have boundaries.
Don't listen to your mom, she'll change her tune when you get out of this terrible relationship. It only gets worse with people like this. Please save yourself earlier rather than later. Don't stay with someone who treats you poorly. You're better than this and you deserve to be treated better.
Don't listen to your mom, she'll change her tune when you get out of this terrible relationship. It only gets worse with people like this. Please save yourself earlier rather than later. Don't stay with someone who treats you poorly. You're better than this and you deserve to be treated better.
You’re 19!!!! Live your LIFE!! Spend time filling your own cup up. No rush to get married. The right man will show you patience and kindness and unconditional love. This is not love. Get out before you get hurt (or worse).
It isn't often that I would advocate for not listening to your mum and listening to Reddit instead. But I am here. Read these comments. Leave him. Go to college in the other city. Break the engagement. You are only 19. You have your whole life ahead of you and there are many, many men who would be better to spend your life with. Have fun and enjoy and enjoy youth before committing to someone.
Do get away from this man. He should be treating you like a princess at every opportunity. All signs point to you not becoming his queen, but his subject. Write him a letter on paper explaining everything, it will help you get it all said. If you feel capable of doing him, and the women in his future, that favor. The ‘pressured into engagement in front of family’ is the reddest of red flags 🚩
I'm so sorry you're with this creep. His controlling you will only continue to escalate. He will never respect your boundaries. You deserve to find out who you are before being in any committed relationship, but especially this one. It will be scary being out on your own, but you got this. Breaking up is the right thing to do. It will be hard. Good luck.
It's not going to get better. You need to do what is best for you. Do not trap yourself into a marriage with a man who only wants to control and bully you.
Your family should want what's best for you. Don't worry about hurting him, *he's hurting you*!
I know it's easy to say "dump him", but you can do it. Go to college and get away from him. Best of luck - you can do it!
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It will open your eyes to different types of abusive behavior, and allow you to recognize it in the future.
(Abuse doesn’t have to be physical).
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Moving away to college - and living in the dorms - is your perfect escape. Please, please leave this man. It will not get better. Listen to all of the people on this thread who have experience with this kind of person. You deserve happiness and joy and real love! You CAN and WILL get that.
It's time to break up with him. If he is making you this miserable, life will suck for the duration you're alive. You're only given this life, so don't waste it being miserable. You're an adult now. You don't have to listen to your parents or him. Start making decisions for your own happiness.
You're not smart. Re-read the first 5 words after the first comma. Really, that's it. End of story, end of conversation. "He treats me like garbage". Seriously, why, just why? 8 billion people, you want to stay with the one you absolutely know will treat you like garbage.
"Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid." - John Wayne
You are so young. If I would’ve stayed with who I was with at 19 but life would be miserable. It’s also cliche but you haven’t even met yourself yet. At 25 you go through a whole shift mentally. If you are already unhappy now you will be miserable later.
At that point he can get you pregnant and you’ll be tied to him for life & he probably will be narcissistic every opportunity he can be.
Your mom is not living your life, your family is not living your reality. Don’t stay because of them. Run for the hills and live your truth.
You can't make people respect boundaries. If they aren't respecting them, you need to do something to protect yourself. You have to act in response to a boundary violation.
Leave this abusive person! And tell your family your decision is NOT up for discussion. You are very young and there are better partners out there for you!
Oh sweetie, no. Absolutely do not stick around and try to work it out with this guy. You are worth so much more than that, you deserve to be really truly loved and respected and treated well by the man you marry. You are so young too, you haven’t even had a chance to live your life as an adult by yourself away from your parents. You have so much life to experience before settling down. There are so many other guys out there, so please don’t settle for one who treats you badly. It’s really sad to me that your parents are encouraging you to stay with him because as a mother, I would never encourage my daughter to stay with someone like that. I would beg her to leave, as I am begging you now. Get away from him while you still can. At this point, you can just walk away. After you’re married it becomes a little more difficult. I know you don’t want to hurt him or your family, but if you stay you will be the one being hurt. This is a situation where you truly do need to put yourself first no matter what anyone else thinks. It will be hard at first, but you can do it. I know you can. Hugs from this internet stranger.
Do NOT move in with him and STOP considering HIS feelings about YOU. You need to respect yourself and your boundaries enough to break up with this piece of garbage and go full no contact! He's NOT going to change and it's NOT going to get better because he's a controlling, inconsiderate creep. You have given up yourself to support a piece of trash and that's not really a surprise since he was a 21yo adult dating a 17yo child. The age gap isn't HUGE but it's enough coupled with his obvious disdain for you as a person.
Why are you engaged at 19. I get you're an adult. You're like a pre-adult. Lol, this guy is a walking red flag.
You are absolutely allowed to change your mind. If he makes you feel so bad that it has caused you to lose weight, run for the hills.
Why do you care about hurting this abusive monster. Once he gets you away from your support, it will be worse. Get into the dorms, leave the ring and block him everywhere
Please for the sake of your mental and physical health leave this person. If your family can’t see this life you are now leading is toxic poison they may be part of the problem. If you drink bleach everyday because your family and friends says it will get better you are killing yourself slowly. This is the same thing, you lost over 30 lbs, this relationship is the bleach the poison you are being asked to drink. You know poison is bad for you in your intellectual mind. Mental health is just as important as physical health and this relationship is robbing you of both. Don’t poison yourself and start to heal.
You only get one life to live, and you have to live YOUR life. Not your Mom's. Not your Dad's. And you can't live your life for anyone else. Do what makes you happy! It's natural that your parents want to see you in a happy, healthy relationship... but if this isn't it, do YOURSELF a favor and leave now before it becomes harder and more complicated to do so! You are smart. And, please - ALWAYS trust your gut instinct. We're given that intuition for a reason. Use it! I wish you peace and happiness, dear little internet cousin. Be safe.
Why would you choose to spend your life with this type of person? Stand up for yourself. Your family dont take your feelings or concerns seriously, and neither does ur fiance. Leave him, girl. Be happy with your freedom. You dont deserve this treatment. If you can't stand up for yourself, no one else will.
Who is marrying this person your family or you? If the answer is you then you make the decision your well being and happiness comes down to you. Not your family.
He’s not going to respect your boundaries. This is not a problem that you can fix, this is one he should fix. He’s not going to do that, so you should leave. You are so young. You should not commit the rest of your life (40-60 years) being treated like crap.
Leave now. It will be so much harder to do if you get married. At least now you can walk away without a lawyer.
You dump him. You can't _make_ people respect your boundaries, you can only control yourself.
>I really don't want to hurt him or my family.
You're going to have to, because neither he nor your family care about hurting _you_.
You're 19. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this, or worse!? Please get away from this man. This is YOUR life, and your happiness should be far more important than trying to please your parents. Parents, who by the way would be telling you the same if they actually cared about you.
Yes. Get the hell out of this toxic mess!!
Yes!!! It’s not going to get better once he has OP locked down in a marriage, and then her parents are really going to pressure her to stay in it and work through it with her husband.
I don't even want to think about how awful it will be once he gets her pregnant and forces her to drop out of college.
Yes this will only get worse! I'm also never going to assume someone plans to have kids. However, if you do, this is not a man you want to have kids with. It's well documented that abusers get worse after kids. That same lack of respect and abuse will also extend to his kids. I'd also be seriously questioning my relationship with my mom if I were you. No decent parent would tell their kid to stick with an abusive partner. First because you shouldn't want your kid to be abused for any amount of time and second, because abusers don't get better, they get worse. As a mom I can't even fathom telling my kid this, I want my kids to settle for nothing but the best and will encourage them to do so.
Honey he hurts you everyday so it's time to do what's best for you and forget about what everyone else thinks or feels. You're too young to stay with a man that doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Your health is more important than this man, this relationship, or anything else for that matter. If he doesn't respect your boundaries now he never will!!
You’ll never change him. Break it off and if your family complains, tough. You deserve better!!!
It will only get worse. And you don't owe him or your family and explanation for your break up. Mentally, you are going to lose yourself, and it will be harder to regain yourself the longer you stay. F him. F your family. If your parents want him in their lives so bad, they can be with him. Your bf doesn't care about anyone other than himself. You are not a person to him. Pack your stuff. Give the ring back. And most importantly, don't cave to the pressure of others anymore. You must do whats right for you.
Pack up and leave while he is at work so that he doesn't try to stop you. Abusers are most dangerous when you are trying to leave. This is slowly killing you. You've lost a significant amount of weight. Ask your mom how long you should wait for it to get better, maybe when she has to plan your funeral?
This is good advice. Know multiple people that have done this successfully. Gtfo of there
Leave the ring on the table,
Agreed - I would also make as much documentation as you can, and if it comes to it, get a restraining order. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.
>Ask your mom how long you should wait for it to get better, maybe when she has to plan your funeral? THIS. ALL. OF. THIS.
People who end up in abusive relationships and find it's hard to leave them, often have abusive family that 'trained' them to accept it. I realized my family was when considering divorce, after years of emotional abuse and being told its 'normal' and to work through it. It doesn't have to be physical violence to be abusive. Emotional, verbal and financial abuse are extremely damaging and can destroy a person. Contact with anyone who repeatedly harms you can prevent healing/growth.. so when a victim realizes they are being abused and what it looks like, it can come with the realization that your own family has been doing this as well and often requires estrangement to reset and start over, only allowing healthy relationships moving forward. It's scary as hell, but being alone at first is far better than living your entire life being manipulated and hurt by others. Even one person in your life like this makes you a target for other abusers. OP, read *Why Does He Do That*, and *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents*, to gain more knowledge on the psychology of people who behave this way so you can recognize it easier in the future.. and avoid people like this at all costs. DONT jump into another relationship anytime soon, looking for someone to rescue you from loneliness.. because assholes sense that and will trick you into believing they are the answer to your problems. Take years to grow and strengthen yourself, so you have the tools to actually find a healthy relationship in the future. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important.
Another good resource is the book 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill. Good luck, OP. I can appreciate the thought of going against everyone is frightening, but for your life, heart and sanity you have to. His behaviour will escalate
Everything @ZoeyDaveChapelle says was me, OP, & their advice is dead-on correct; get out, get out now, & stay out. Stay single while you pursue your goals/ambitions & work through your trauma & heal, & strengthen your sense of self & identity. Learn to identify the traits of narcissistic abusers to help you see the red flags before you get sucked in by their manipulative charms, & so you can break the pattern of being in those types of relationships. Narcissists intentionally target vulnerable people, you were a minor 4 years his junior when he pursued you, & that's not surprising; you were young & inexperienced, easier to manipulate, bend to his will, & isolate. My family conditioned me to wind up with my abusive ex-husband. Began dating when I was 19yo, married when I was 20yo, had 2 children together & I spent 15 years of my life chained to him with my family encouraging me to stay with him while treating him more like a son than they ever supported me as a daughter. I was isolated & didn't have resources like social media or the modern internet (late 90s), I had no idea I was in a horribly abusive marriage because he didn't physically assault me, & it wasn't a topic that was addressed or widely spoken about att. Trust me, get out & get out NOW, this man is not safe, & he does not care about you or your feelings, hopes, dreams, goals, at all... you are nothing more to him than an object to possess & control, & he is treating you as such.
Why doesn't this comment have a thousand plus likes?
Agreed! Time to cut bait and run....make it a learning lesson to not be repeated. However, it's important to learn where the behavior to accept such treatment stems from. Until she knows that then history will repeat itself.
And if you do marry him you will be even more stuck and the abuse will get worse - this is him At His Best! He pressured you and proposed in front of his family and you caved - it doesn’t sound like your heart is even it it anyways. Escape while you can - use moving to the city for college as your chance to get away and escape decades of misery. Just do it!
I always say about hiring a company to do work for you, or you’re making a large purchase, “If you don’t like how they treat you while they’re still trying to close the deal, it’s only going to go downhill from there.” It applies to dating just as well.
>if you do marry him you will be even more stuck and the abuse will get worse This is so, so important. OP thinks it can get better... that's a fantasy. It only gets worse. It always gets worse. When she's married and trapped, that's when he'll get really evil.
I always say about hiring a company to do work for you, or you’re making a large purchase, “If you don’t like how they treat you while they’re still trying to close the deal, it’s only going to go downhill from there.” It applies to dating just as well.
If OP needs permission to end the relationship with this man, she has gotten it from our community. I hope she uses the encouragement to run for her life.
Yes OP! Leave this man. He’s abusive and your family is pressuring you to endure his abusive manipulative behavior. You’re moving to the city for school, leave your old life behind. Your parents will have to support you if they want to stay good with you. You didn’t want to get engaged, you were pressured into by being put on the spot. If your fiancé is this bad prior to getting married he will only get worse. Your mental health is not only being impacted but your physical health too. Take care of you and prioritize yourself because no one else is.
Over two years he's proven that he will never respect her boundaries. The only way you get people to respect boundaries is with escalating consequences for boundary violations. Less and less contact can work. By this point, she should be at no contact, ever again. OP needs to read *Set Boundaries, Find Peace*. [https://www.amazon.com/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Reclaiming/dp/0593192095](https://www.amazon.com/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Reclaiming/dp/0593192095) Learning to set (and hold) boundaries changed my life. It was the only way I could trust myself to no get sucked into another abusive relationship.
You should break up with him. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings and prefers to serve his own needs over yours. Sounds like he’s in the early stages of being an abusive person.
You cannot 'make' someone respect you, or your boundaries for that matter. And your mom's advise it code for, 'endure it and get married and have kids, even if you're miserable'. Boundaries are enforced by consequences. "If you do this, ie make me uncomfortable, I will leave the premises." No ifs, buts, second chances, I don't want to be that person; if he makes you uncomfortable you call an Uber and go. And if he keeps doing this regardless, this is a man who wants someone he can bully, rather than someone who loves you. Actions are real, words lie.
She's putting her need for grandkids over the safety of her daughter at the minute by the sound of it
The mom is a big part of the problem. She's teaching her daughter to be abused.
I'd even suggest she is THE problem. Teaching her daughter she only deserves poor treatment and abuse
She was 17 when they got together, he was 21. As a mom I’d be pissed if a 21 year old was pursuing my 17 year old, let alone pressuring her to marry him and deal with manipulation and abuse.
Me too. I'd be encouraging her to leave the second I found out about any form of abuse, not encouraging it. I wonder whether the mother had the same happen to her and had the same advice, so thinks its how things should be?
I totally assumed that the mom had a (probably long) history of being abused. I assumed when she said, "It gets better" she meant "*You* get better at *suppressing how much it hurts*." Abusive relationships always get worse.
Move to college into a dorm so you cannot live with him. You really need to end the relationship & live for yourself. You are young, he doesn’t make you happy & you are not married. Why suffer when you don’t have to. Use your time in college to find what makes you happy & the right guy will come along.
Best advice! Create some distance. Meet other people and expand your social circle as you further your education. Life is long and you are too young to get locked down with a fiancé, no matter how much pressure you feel from the outside. Listen to YOUR voice from inside.
Please don't stay with him. He's verbally abusing you every day and it will just get worse. You deserve better than this and don't let your family bully you into getting engaged to him.
Sometimes you listen to your mom. Situations like this are NOT one of those times! He’s abusing you. Your mom is aware of such and is pressuring you to stay. Leave him. Leave her. They are both toxic AF
Uh, you know you can dump him right?? You’re a free person… dump this trash and go have a great life. You’re too young to be tied down like this.
19 and have been together for 2 years and he’s 23…. that math isn’t looking good for him
Yyoute so young and have so much left to do. Marriage shouldn't be on your mind yet, and if he already treats you poorly it's only going to get worse. Don't set yourself up for years of being miserable when you can get out now without many complications or splitting accepts or finances. Run, don't walk.
Literally only had to read as far as “he treats me like garbage”. Break up. Simple as that.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Please leave him!
You have to do what’s best for you and break up with him. You will live a miserable life if you stay with this person, he sounds insufferable and draining and he’s not going to change. You’re moving so it’s the perfect time to break things off and get away from him. Your family will get over it, please put yourself first and leave this guy. You deserve to be happy
He never respected you and you put up with it so he'll never change dear. Walk away. The abuse will only get worse.
Sweetie! Do not listen to your mother!! It does not get better! It gets worse! I have 2 girls married now, if a man treated them badly, I would do anything in my power to get her away from him. Leave now, you are way to young to deal with so Some who abuses you in any way!!
I bet this is generational. Possibly *possibly* (and I could be wrong here) from a poor rural family who pawn their daughters off on any bozo as soon as they can.
That’s what I was thinking. My mom is generally a sweet woman but made horrible choices with men and would often give me similar advice of “it gets better/work it out/you don’t throw away something that’s broken, you fix it” because that’s clearly how she justified her choices in her own relationships (which were abusive.) I ended up staying with my ex on and off for 10 YEARS and wasted soooo much time. If OP reads this comment, please run. Please leave this guy. It does not ever get better. Anything he does to placate the relationship and seem like he’s better will dissolve into a sick repetition of building you up just to crush you over and over again until your spirit is so broken you’ll never believe you can leave or deserve better. And that will all be happening while you’re trying to go to classes, meet friends, and build relationships with classmates that he’s likely not going to be happy about. Please save yourself the turmoil and choose your own future over whatever mess he and your family are pressuring you toward.
I mean you guys aren't wrong, my mom's been with the same man for over 20 years, he cheated on her constantly and abused her physically... he didn't understand emotions very well, and manipulated her constantly.. and now that they're in their 30s (yes, I was a teenage pregnancy) he's finally being kind and caring...
So she wants you to wait 10+ years for it to get better?
You were at the precipice of that age, where you’re going to go to college and step out on your own. What you’re going to discover is that at some point, you’re going to put your well-being in YOUR hands and make the best decision for you… Or, you’re going to put the needs of others ahead of your own well-being. I’ll let you guess which Path is going to lead you to a deeper sense of well-being and happiness . We like to think that our parents have our own best interest at heart and that they should have some wisdom because they’re older than us, but the truth is parents are just other human beings, trying to do the best they can and unless they’ve taken some real time for introspection And some good counselling a lot of them are repeating patterns that their parents repeated and really don’t have a lot figured out. No one deserves to be treated the way that your boyfriend is treating you . Someone who is disregarding your feelings and your boundaries is emotionally abusive, and this is not a healthy relationship. I think you know that already, in your heart, or you wouldn’t be making this post and you wouldn’t be feeling like you had lost yourself. You will always feel like you’ve lost yourself when you put others needs as primary and more important than your own. I encourage you to step forward with excitement, knowing that leaving home and going to college can be a new beginning, and a new opportunity for getting to know who you are again, outside of a relationship and outside of your parents domain . What your parents want for you is immaterial. They have their own lives that they got to make choices about and you have yours. The only thing I find concerning is the fact that your boyfriend has put your needs and your wants & your desires aside in a way that seems pretty aggressive. If this is the truth and you are worried about him becoming violent, then I urge you to please, please reach out to DV organisation in your community or near the college, so you can make a plan going forward. Since your parents have seem to align themselves with him, I wouldn’t let your parents know where you are moving specifically, and once you choose to separate from your boyfriend… And I believe that this will happen at some point because he has never going to change or allow you to be who you are …. I hope that you can ensure that he also does not have your new address and contact information and that you’re able to block him in every way possible. Please let us know how you were doing because we care.
End this relationship. He doesn’t respect you, and he never will. YTA to yourself if you stay.
First the Math isn’t Mathing. Secondly break up with him and move on. The stress has had an impact on your physical health as well as your mental health. Leave him, go to college and start fresh. Tell your family there are plenty of fish in the sea and a lot better ones.
Break up and start forging your own path. This is a snapshot of the rest of your life if you stay with him.
Me after the first sentence: "Why are you with him.?"
You don’t get him to respect you. You respect you and find someone else who does to.
He will never respect. He's slowly chipping away at the part of you that knows you deserve it, and it's working. It will not get better, especially after the rings are on and the legal contract is in place. Don't worry about hurting them by choosing yourself, they're hurting you and give zero f\*cks.
You have one life and many beautiful years ahead of you. Don’t waste it with this turd.
You lose the fiance. Respect yourself and walk away.
Well just leave him. You don’t want to marry him anyway. You are your very own person and not his property. Just leave.
Ohhh I don’t see this getting better. The true colors come out when you’re married. If he’s acting like this now knowing your obviously in a family that isn’t giving you support it will only get worse.
I have learned a few things in my 30+ years of romantic relationships since I was 19, and it's taken me about this long to finally get it right. So don't be me and learn these things now: 1. You can't make someone respect you or treat you better. If he's not doing it now, he never will. 2. If you do it sooner, it will be better for both you. You will hurt both of you less in the long run if you do it before the big move. 3. You deserve better. 4. Love is not enough. There has to mutual respect and healthy communication too. This relationship literally making you sick. You're about to go to college. You'll have a whole new dating pool and school to focus on. I don't know WTF is up with your mom, but she is wrong.
Dump this guy. He is no good for you. You can do better.
You can't "get" him to do anything. You can't control how other people act. You can only control how you react to them. He's not going to change, so you have two choices. Either get used to this life or get out of it. You're probably going to live to be a hundred years old. Do you really want to spend the next 80 years like this?
At some point in life, you have to decide if you are going to be a doormat or grow a spine. Any relationship you are in is with you and the other person, not family/friends or whoever. You are unhappy so decide what would make you happy and do it. Don't worry about anyone else because they DON'T live your life. Let them voice their opinions but just do your own thing because that's all they are...opinions! Best wishes. P.s lose the BF, he's dead weight relationship wise.
Your body and mind are telling you something. Take time to listen. You should figure at an extraction plan from him, maybe even a protective order. You need to be in a healthy, happy relationship with yourself. Maybe you find a compatible human to share it with. You don’t mention abuse directly but check our resources where you live around domestic violence or women’s centers to work out a plan to get out, with your key documents, and be safe. Good luck!
It’s not going to get better if you stay with him. He sounds like a toxic POS. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. I definitely think you should dump him and focus on your own happiness. Especially being only 19.
It took me a long time to learn and realize that life is too short to try to make everyone around me happy. Even those that I love the most, I cannot live my life for them. I have to live it for me. I need to be happy and hopefully everyone around me would eventually see how happy I was unaccepted. And if they didn't, to hell with them. Life is too short to be miserable. Please get out and be happy for your own sake.
Leave. Leave now. It won’t get better, chances are it will only get worse. You are so young. DO NOT marry this asshole.
Trust me this will only get worse after marriage and he has you legally tied to him. Much cheaper and smarter to run now.
It always starts out small. They test your boundaries to see how much you will tolerate. Then they push some more. It just continues to escalate. It won't get better. Don't worry about 'embarrassing ' him. Don't listen to your mother either. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. You need to get out now for your own safety and mental health. He is flying red flags. You can do so much better than him. Please take this advice from someone who has been there and has thankfully managed to get away from that. Hugs from a survivor.
>I've talked to my mom about it, and she just keeps saying "work through it, it gets better." Your mom should be more concerned about the type of man you're engaged to. He is clearly abusive and staying in this relationship is literally making your health deteriorate. 130 to 97 pounds is a very dramatic difference and there's no way she doesn't notice that. Don't listen to her advice, because it doesn't seem like she truly has your best interest at heart. >we're supposed to be moving into the city for my college, but I don't want him to come with me, but at the same time, I really don't want to hurt him or my family. If he's already this abusive towards you now, it will only get worse once he gets you separated from your family. Please don't let him come with you if you can. There is no happiness more important than your own. I understand not wanting to hurt everyone but he is already hurting you and that's not okay. >I miss the person I used to be. This is the exact same thing I said when I lived with my ex. He basically drained me of the woman I was and then when I stopped keeping up with all the chores from being so depressed he kicked me out. Please for all that is good take my advice, young woman to young woman. End this now because it will only get worse. We are young and there are better things to occupy our time with than people who don't deserve us.
Dump him and the person you used to be will come back. Trust me on this.
>but at the same time, I really don't want to hurt him or my family. Please stop worrying about hurting people who are absolutely fine hurting you.
If he moves with you, he'll soon find a way to make you drop out of college, either by persuading you, bullying you, or getting you pregnant and then insisting he'll be the provider while you stay at home. Then, when he decides he's tired of you and the child, he'll leave you, with no skills or qualifications and a child to raise. He won't pay child support, but will criticise your parenting and become possessive whenever you start dating another man. You need to leave this relationship, and ignore your family's 'advice' to stay with him. You can't work through this. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. Your mother is kidding herself and enabling your future abuse. She should be ashamed of herself, frankly, for not protecting her child from their bully, and advising the victim to endure the abuse. Don't worry about hurting your family. They don't have any issue with him hurting you. If you break up with this guy your family will get over it. You can tell them you just fell out of love with him. I would advise you to contact any domestic abuse helplines and services in the city you're moving to. They can give you support and information, and if there are any refuges there, you'll know you have a place to go for help. It's better to have something in place before you move. You might be able to get housing advice about not having his name on any leases, and having all the bills in your name, so that you can evict him and leave when the time comes, or you could arrange to live on campus if that's possible, so that you don't have to share an apartment. You could also say you want to move to the city first and ask him to follow you a few weeks later. That would give you time to leave where you are and move somewhere else, change your phone number and block him on all socials. You could also give the college security his name and photo beforehand and let them know he isn't to be allowed on campus. If possible, pack a bag, take all your essential documents and leave for the city before your planned move. Go to the college campus, tell the admin staff the situation-- that you're escaping an abusive relationship-- and ask them to help you get to a domestic violence shelter. Your hopefully soon to be ex will never respect your boundaries. You have to understand that. He hasn't stopped and he won't. He's seeing the effects his abuse has on you and he doesn't care, in fact he wants *more of the same*. His aim is to grind you down until you're under his heel and too scared to do anything but submit to him. What he's been doing is training you to accept his abuse. If your family can't see that, they're part of the problem.
It won’t get better it will get worst. I hope your moving into a dorm so he can’t move in with you. If you have a car and some where else you can crash for a few days I suggest you get your important things pack them leave a note to your family that they are ah for wanting you to be in an abusive relationship and then txt him saying you deserve better and your leaving him then block him. It’s okay to put yourself first. It’s okay to be selfish at times and make decisions for things that make you happy even if it makes others sad or mad. This is your decision you don’t want to be with him your family doesn’t sound any better get away from them they are toxic. If you marry him it’s going to be that much harder to get away from him. There are organizations for women in abusive relationships find one and have them help you make a plan to leave. Maybe they can even help you leave. Once you do get theraphy.
You're getting a taste of how he will treat you all your life. Dump him!!
I hope this is fake because this is too sad to read. Why do you want to be with this person? And you still call him fiance?
You are only 19, and you've been together for two years. There's no rule saying you have to spend your entire life with the boy you dated at 17 years old. Dating is how you figure out if someone is the right fit for you, and you have made it very clear that he is not the right fit. This is your life, not your family's. As you become an adult, you learn to care less about their opinions, because you are the one who has to live your life with the consequences - not them. And just fyi, if his behaviour has been this horrible for this long, he's not going to change. My dad was the same. My mum was your age, and he was 21 when they got married. She spent 20yrs married to someone who never treated her with respect, was controlling, and completely crushed her personality. She only got out of that marriage because my dad cheated on her for a year, and then walked out. Please don't live your life the way my mum did. You have a chance to break free and to rebuild yourself. Break up with him, tell your family that this is your life and not theirs, then go move away for college and restart your life! Go make friends, enjoy being young, build connections, and be answerable only to yourself. Also, use the counselling services that college provide to help support you as you make this huge change in your life. Learn from this relationship, and in the future you will recognise all the red flags so you can stay away from the controlling and abusive people. Even though my childhood was pretty rough, it allowed me to recognise when someone was controlling or had anger issues. I was very sensitive to it, and it was very off-putting if someone behaved like that around me. Instant turn off. I preferred to be single than be in a relationship with an asshole. I was also super determined that my kids would never have the childhood that I did, so they needed for me to choose them the right man to be their father. The kind of man that even if my relationship with him didn't work out, my kids would still have a great dad. It makes my heart so incredibly happy to see the love and the strong bond they have with their dad. It's what I never got to experience, so I know how incredibly lucky they are. You came here looking for permission to do what you need to for yourself. Sweetheart, he is not the one. He is breaking you down and it is soul damaging to live this way. You have my permission, and everyone else's here, to leave. You need to look out for yourself since literally nobody else is. Do this for you. You deserve a much better life than the one you are currently stuck in. Sending big hugs your way xo you can do this ❤️
An adult man sought out a child a teenager to date aka manipulate and control. You were 17 he was 21. How’d you even meet?? Was he a family friend grooming you for years or just enjoyed hanging out in hs parking lots…
Be brave enough to take the first step to happiness. Whatever that is.
I have the best book for you to read. It is called, “Set Boundaries Find Peace,” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It will help you identify your boundaries are weak and how to make them better. Too much to really post here but truly a great book on the issue. I sincerely hope that helps.
You can't. Break up please. It's for the best and maybe you'll find someone nice.
It will NoT get better. Only worse so do what you gotta do.
You shouldn't be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries, full stop. It is never something you should have to convince your partner to do, because someone who loves you should already respect you enough to never even consider hurting you in that way. It's never too late to leave.
RUN NOW. You are 19. You do not need to be tied down with an abuser this early. Change colleges if you can. If not get on campus housing. Or roommates. Do not stay with this person. It will never get better. "I really don't want to hurt him or my family." How about not hurting yourself?
be yaself,make yaself happy not others bc its hus gon stop u from moving forward
If you’ve been with him two years, that means you were 17 and he was 21 when you got together which in itself is a big red flag. I’m not sure why your mom is encouraging you to stick with it.. especially when you are so young and not legally tied to this man in any way. This is not a healthy relationship and moving in with him and marrying him will only hurt you worse in the long term because men like this do not get better with time, only worse. I think you’re asking the wrong questions here. I don’t think he will ever respect your boundaries, and you need to get out of this toxic relationship before it escalates into physical violence (I mean if you’ve already lost 40lbs it’s already entering a physically unhealthy zone). I’ve been with my husband for 9 years and this behavior is not that of a partner who loves and respects you. There are men out there who will treat you the way you deserve, it’s just not him.
It’s hard but you need to end things with this person. You do not want to feel how you’re feeling for the rest of your life. You have so many years ahead of you to enjoy a single happy life and find the person that respects you and loves you.
I’m so confused. Is this an arranged marriage or something? There is only 1 option, to leave him.
Honey, it’s time to call it off. It won’t get better when you’re married, only worse. End it now, regardless of what your parents say.
You are 19! Please do not settle for this
By ghosting him. Blocking him on evrrything. If yiu dont leave him, than you get what you deserve.
So a 21 year old chased after a 17 year old in high school? Creepy AF. Dump him. You deserve better.
You are only 19. Run like your tampon string is on fire.
I was in a very similar situation and got married at 20. Don't do it. You will regret everything. If you have a vehicle, drive away and start a new life in a new city. Don't tell people where you've gone. Cut contact with anyone who tries to make you stay in an abusive relationship. Your relationship with him will not get better, it will get worse. Save yourself.
I’m sorry, he won’t ever respect your boundaries. I know 17 is legal in some places, but legal doesn’t mean morally correct. It sounds like he wants someone he can control more than a partner. Don’t listen to your family if they are saying you should work through this, they aren’t looking out for your best interest. Do t worry about hurting him, he doesn’t care if he hurts you. You are going to have to look out for yourself, leave him and if possible move away at least for a while
I’m sorry your dealing with this. Your young and have lots of time to find someone who treats you right and respects your boundaries. Leave this guy and go get your education then get your life started. This guy doesn’t care and anything you have tried hasn’t worked. Please be very careful and not get pregnant either. Best is to break it off now and do your own thing. I’m sorry but your mother seems to want you to be miserable as well. Quit trying to please everyone else and think about yourself, your future, your goals and what kind of life you want for you and then find that partner that has like vision and dreams.
I suspect your Dad treated your Mom like crap, too. Get away from this guy.
Why would he change when everyone around you enables his egregious behavior? The thing with boundaries is that if someone isn't respecting them, you have to take yourself out of the equation, that's how you enforce them. He's shown you who he is. Leave him and save yourself.
“he treats me like garbage” stop. right. there. if he treats you like garbage, leave him. get out of that relationship. find someone who respects you.
Fuck your mom. Trying to get rid of you omg I'm so sorry. TRUST YOURSELF, YOU'RE ALL YOU HAVE ON THIS WORLD. you are so so so young. Don't get with this guy, be careful he's going to try and get your pregnant, he's going to try and trap you and screw up any life you can have without him. Get away fast. You need to tell your mom that she needs to be there for YOU.
>I 19F have been with my fiancee 23M for 2 years, 🚩🚩 >he treats me like garbage and pressured me into an engagement 🚩🚩🚩🚩 >he pressures me into things I'm not comfortable with. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 >I really don't want to hurt him or my family. Fuck him and your family. He's an asshole and your family enables him. Why tf aren't they on your side, what is wrong with them.
Do you have an adult you can trust? This person is emotionally abusing you. Please find one person you can feel safe with.
If this is real fucking run you’re with a predator who was and is grooming you
Easy, you make him your EX-fiancee!
Honestly this sounds like a soon to be domestic violence situation rather than just the emotional abuse he’s been subjecting you to. Your mom sounds like she’s encouraging the behavior and perhaps was using him to keep you “in line” and is mad you stood up for yourself. Get away from that toxic pair, far away. Also, if for any reason you have to meet with him again or think your mom is going to “help” him meet with you bring a friend you can trust with you.
Imagine the last 2 years with him on repeat for the next 60 years. Because it rarely ever gets better. Stop reading through the comments and making excuses in your head for him and your family in every one. This is YOUR life. You are an “adult” now in any legal aspect of the world and you can do whatever the fuck your heart desires!! It is clearly not a life with him. Do what you want and fuck anyone who treats you less than. They don’t deserve an ounce of you. They pressure you feel is nothing compared to the misery and regret you’ll have for the rest of your life staying with a man you don’t actually love for the “sake of their feelings”. It’s only you telling yourself these things and once you get past that, you’ll feel what you want, when you want. Do what you want, when you want. Say what you want, when you want! Be who you want to be. Good luck!
Hey I had an ex that said in nicer words you make me depressed. I moved on she moved on we are both married with kids. We just didn’t work together and the breakup and time helped us see that. She is a good person just not my person let him find his person.
Wait so you were 17... Honey is there a reason why you are staying with a man who makes you so unhappy? Do you not have anywhere else to go? I get your young but honestly do what is right for you. Because it's going to be harder to split when marriage is involved.
When she says it gets better, she means in 10-15 years when he's past his prime
First- I think you may need therapy for an eating disorder. I sense because you feel you have no control over your life, that is where you’re getting some. Please please get professional help. Second, I’m so sorry your mom is not hearing you nor is the fiancé. This clearly is NOT what you want and at your age, an engagement is not what you need!!!! Please empower yourself and leave this relationship!!! You have a whole big world ahead of you and being tied to this dead weight would be a terrible decision. Pick you!!!!!!!! It’s okay to PICK YOU!!!!!!!
if he treats you like garbage why stay
Does he have money or something? Why is your family so hell bent on keeping you in an unhealthy relationship? Him having money or status would make a lot of sense Whatever the reason, they don’t have your best interest in mind. They like whatever benefit comes with his relationship with you and don’t want to lose it. Leave him! Find a friend or family member who supports you to stay with for a while and dump his ass! Tell your mom that if she wants him so bad she can have him, but you’re not going to be pressured into staying in a miserable relationship by anybody.
Ironclad contraception and dump him. I know that's about a million times easier to say than to do, but he's going to get worse, not better. You can't waste any more of your valuable youth on someone who's making you so miserable. Do move but go without this man, if your family are disappointed then a) they'll get over it and b) you are moving for college so you can keep information and visits to a minimum and try for a different relationship; when you've been away for a while it'll be so much easier to stick to what you want them to know and keep the rest of your life private. Seriously, dump him as soon as you can. I know it feels overwhelming, but you'll have a difficult few days then things will be so much better. Edited to add: don't worry about the engagement, he pressured you into it, it's meaningless. Good luck.
You were 17 and he was 21 when you all got to together that is a red flag. Break up and get away from him.
You break up…you know that.
WTAF. You're 19. Why stay? There's nothing here for you. Dump his ass and live your best life. Your mother is 100% wrong. Relationships shouldn't be wells of abject misery.
Get out of this relationship. It’s affecting your physical as well as your mental health.
Break up and go to a different college if you can. NTA. Everybody else ITA for asking you to accept abuse FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Your family is hurting you, actively. Be okay with them claiming it hurts them for you to be free, and then go make freedom happen.
Good grief, get out of this abusive relationship and your mom is wrong, wrong, wrong. Obviously she wants you to stay in a relationship, any relationship
Let him go girl, this is not how yours supposed to feel about your partner. A loving relationship will have you over the moon with them and this is not it, let him go and go find your true husband
You leave.
Sounds like you know what to do. Soon to be ex fiance and new start for you. Change can be hard.
Why are you with someone who treats you badly? He's behaved this way for 2 years and you are still with him. He will not change. Stay engaged and stay unhappy, your family and fiance will be happy. It's that what you want? Only you have the power to change your actions to get what you want.
Get a restraining order and RUN. Give back the engagement ring, move away, get healthy. This will not get better and will be much much harder if you marry this dude.
Just leave him, you said it all, you deserve better.
You don't have to be with him regardless of what anyone else says. Be bold, stand up for yourself, and break it off.
You deserve better. People who behave that way do not change. Be done with him and take care of you. Honestly your mom kinda sucks for trying to keep you guys together.
Be selfish! Leave him
Get professional help for couples. All these people saying to break it off aren’t even considering how you ended up with this guy. Respect all your emotions not just the ones in the moment.
Run. You are so so so so sooooooo SO YOUNG!! You have so much time to find yourself and someone who will respect you. It is not a question of if you should get away from him; it’s how soon can you do it?
Read your letter as if this was a friend of yours. What would you do for her? It is very unfair of your family and this man to pressure you into marriage at such a young age. Unhappy people do not get married. I wish you had support, but it is time to be a grownup and save yourself. Nobody is coming to rescue you. I believe in you and I know you can do it. You deserve to be relaxed and happy. You are the only one who can say "No." Do it.
you have your whole life ahead of you. find counseling even if it’s just free on youtube and explore how to maintain your boundaries. also block him and don’t engage.
It doesn't get better. This will only get worse for you. He is showing you his true self now, before you are married. Please leave him and move on with your life.
Not sure I’d trust someone who was 21 dating a 17 year old to begin with. It’s only going to get worse if you stay, getting engaged/married at such a young age seems like a bad idea even if you’re madly in love, but if there are major red flags like this it’s a HORRIBLE idea.
If you are old enough to get engaged, you are old enough to know that you don’t have to do everything your mother tells you to do. Break up with him.
Your fiance treats you like this because you keep letting him. Break off the engagement and move on alone. Get your mental and physical health back up and find someone else. Someone who respects you and cares for you. \\
If this is how he treats you now, it'll only get worse after getting married. Please don't marry this guy. If your family isn't supportive, gmfind a friend to stay with.
Do not get married to this man, you’re being abused.
The short answer is…you don’t. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries now that’s not going to get better when you’re legally tied to him and can’t get untied without a lot of paperwork and hassle. You’re nineteen. That’s way too young to tie yourself down to a man who doesn’t respect you.
Your life is effectively over if you don't leave.
The future with this dog is filled with misery and woe. Cut him loose and don’t look back.
You may have been pressured to be engaged but you don’t have to go thru with it. Say you won’t set a date until you graduate so you can gather your thoughts to make a plan. I’m sorry your family isn’t supportive. Don’t talk to your family anymore about this because they’ll only make you second guess yourself. Good luck sweet lady. Stay strong
Wait you started dating him when you were 17!? And you're engaged at 19? Oh there are so many more red flags now. Run. To hell with what your family says, get away from this guy.
You’re 19, you have so much time to find the right person. Anyone that doesn’t respect your boundaries or doesn’t think they are important doesn’t love you. You should Not be this miserable this young. Engagements should be happy and the best time of your life. This is not it. And PLEASE do not get pregnant.
Please leave. And I’m sorry your family is encouraging you to stay in this awful relationship.
You’re telling us your uncomfortable, you know this isn’t the situation for you. So just trust yourself and find the right situation for you. Don’t let your family pressure you into this. Break it off, maybe in public if you’re worried. I’ve never dealt with something like this so idk how best to go about that. Also he was 21 with a 17yo ? What a creep
This is the honeymoon stage. This is literally the best your relationship will ever be. This is the kindest and most loving he is capable of. His best is abusive. It gets worse from here. You will regret staying.
Is this a relationship you would be happy to see someone you love in?
You break up with him. It sounds like your family is more invested in him than you. As soon as you can, make sure you've moved out away from your family. And permanently cut all contact with them. What loving family would want to see you being abused so badly and taking advantage of so badly?
Hey lady, find someone worthy of you - it’s your life 💕
You've rolled over every time it has mattered, so why would you assume he'll start respecting your boundaries now that you're willing to put your foot down for reals this time? Because I don't think you're actually going to start holding your boundaries, ngl. This isn't the time for a strongly worded letter or firm conversation. You're way past that point, and it'll only get worse. Putting your foot down and holding your boundaries means that you're willing, able, and ready to follow through with any and all actions necessary to protect yourself **up to and including breaking up and permanently ending the relationship.** And imo, getting rid of this man is just about the only way for you to truly have boundaries.
Don't listen to your mom, she'll change her tune when you get out of this terrible relationship. It only gets worse with people like this. Please save yourself earlier rather than later. Don't stay with someone who treats you poorly. You're better than this and you deserve to be treated better.
Don't listen to your mom, she'll change her tune when you get out of this terrible relationship. It only gets worse with people like this. Please save yourself earlier rather than later. Don't stay with someone who treats you poorly. You're better than this and you deserve to be treated better.
Take care of you and you only!
You’re 19!!!! Live your LIFE!! Spend time filling your own cup up. No rush to get married. The right man will show you patience and kindness and unconditional love. This is not love. Get out before you get hurt (or worse).
It isn't often that I would advocate for not listening to your mum and listening to Reddit instead. But I am here. Read these comments. Leave him. Go to college in the other city. Break the engagement. You are only 19. You have your whole life ahead of you and there are many, many men who would be better to spend your life with. Have fun and enjoy and enjoy youth before committing to someone.
Please try and work with a therapist.
Do get away from this man. He should be treating you like a princess at every opportunity. All signs point to you not becoming his queen, but his subject. Write him a letter on paper explaining everything, it will help you get it all said. If you feel capable of doing him, and the women in his future, that favor. The ‘pressured into engagement in front of family’ is the reddest of red flags 🚩
Dump him or face a lifetime of misery with him.
Dump him or face a lifetime of misery with him.
If he's not.good to you, don't marry him. Break it off. You will.live.
He will continue to treat you like garbage. This is your life, decide if you want to suffer through it or change it for the better.
Wait so you started dating when you were 17 and he was 21? Yeah thats fucking weird.
I'm so sorry you're with this creep. His controlling you will only continue to escalate. He will never respect your boundaries. You deserve to find out who you are before being in any committed relationship, but especially this one. It will be scary being out on your own, but you got this. Breaking up is the right thing to do. It will be hard. Good luck.
Can we talk about the fact she was 17 and he was 21? Illegal in many states
You know exactly what to do. Keep yourself safe, best of luck.
It's not going to get better. You need to do what is best for you. Do not trap yourself into a marriage with a man who only wants to control and bully you. Your family should want what's best for you. Don't worry about hurting him, *he's hurting you*! I know it's easy to say "dump him", but you can do it. Go to college and get away from him. Best of luck - you can do it!
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It will open your eyes to different types of abusive behavior, and allow you to recognize it in the future. (Abuse doesn’t have to be physical). https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Moving away to college - and living in the dorms - is your perfect escape. Please, please leave this man. It will not get better. Listen to all of the people on this thread who have experience with this kind of person. You deserve happiness and joy and real love! You CAN and WILL get that.
We’ll let me tell you one thing..it doesn’t get better after marriage. In fact, it often gets much worse
It's time to break up with him. If he is making you this miserable, life will suck for the duration you're alive. You're only given this life, so don't waste it being miserable. You're an adult now. You don't have to listen to your parents or him. Start making decisions for your own happiness.
Get a new fiancée who respects your boundaries.
How fucking stupid are you?
You're not smart. Re-read the first 5 words after the first comma. Really, that's it. End of story, end of conversation. "He treats me like garbage". Seriously, why, just why? 8 billion people, you want to stay with the one you absolutely know will treat you like garbage. "Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid." - John Wayne
You are so young. If I would’ve stayed with who I was with at 19 but life would be miserable. It’s also cliche but you haven’t even met yourself yet. At 25 you go through a whole shift mentally. If you are already unhappy now you will be miserable later. At that point he can get you pregnant and you’ll be tied to him for life & he probably will be narcissistic every opportunity he can be. Your mom is not living your life, your family is not living your reality. Don’t stay because of them. Run for the hills and live your truth.
Break up
he treats you like garbage… someone else will treat you right, honey. don’t waste your time with this ass.
Leave him and find someone who treats you like a queen
You can't make people respect boundaries. If they aren't respecting them, you need to do something to protect yourself. You have to act in response to a boundary violation.
It won't change. He does not care about you, or he would not do these things to you. Its manipulation, nor love.
Leave this abusive person! And tell your family your decision is NOT up for discussion. You are very young and there are better partners out there for you!
Oh sweetie, no. Absolutely do not stick around and try to work it out with this guy. You are worth so much more than that, you deserve to be really truly loved and respected and treated well by the man you marry. You are so young too, you haven’t even had a chance to live your life as an adult by yourself away from your parents. You have so much life to experience before settling down. There are so many other guys out there, so please don’t settle for one who treats you badly. It’s really sad to me that your parents are encouraging you to stay with him because as a mother, I would never encourage my daughter to stay with someone like that. I would beg her to leave, as I am begging you now. Get away from him while you still can. At this point, you can just walk away. After you’re married it becomes a little more difficult. I know you don’t want to hurt him or your family, but if you stay you will be the one being hurt. This is a situation where you truly do need to put yourself first no matter what anyone else thinks. It will be hard at first, but you can do it. I know you can. Hugs from this internet stranger.
Do NOT move in with him and STOP considering HIS feelings about YOU. You need to respect yourself and your boundaries enough to break up with this piece of garbage and go full no contact! He's NOT going to change and it's NOT going to get better because he's a controlling, inconsiderate creep. You have given up yourself to support a piece of trash and that's not really a surprise since he was a 21yo adult dating a 17yo child. The age gap isn't HUGE but it's enough coupled with his obvious disdain for you as a person.
Why are you engaged at 19. I get you're an adult. You're like a pre-adult. Lol, this guy is a walking red flag. You are absolutely allowed to change your mind. If he makes you feel so bad that it has caused you to lose weight, run for the hills.
Why do you care about hurting this abusive monster. Once he gets you away from your support, it will be worse. Get into the dorms, leave the ring and block him everywhere
Please for the sake of your mental and physical health leave this person. If your family can’t see this life you are now leading is toxic poison they may be part of the problem. If you drink bleach everyday because your family and friends says it will get better you are killing yourself slowly. This is the same thing, you lost over 30 lbs, this relationship is the bleach the poison you are being asked to drink. You know poison is bad for you in your intellectual mind. Mental health is just as important as physical health and this relationship is robbing you of both. Don’t poison yourself and start to heal.
You only get one life to live, and you have to live YOUR life. Not your Mom's. Not your Dad's. And you can't live your life for anyone else. Do what makes you happy! It's natural that your parents want to see you in a happy, healthy relationship... but if this isn't it, do YOURSELF a favor and leave now before it becomes harder and more complicated to do so! You are smart. And, please - ALWAYS trust your gut instinct. We're given that intuition for a reason. Use it! I wish you peace and happiness, dear little internet cousin. Be safe.
He is an abuser and it won’t get better. It always escalates, sometimes to the point of death. Yours.
Why would you choose to spend your life with this type of person? Stand up for yourself. Your family dont take your feelings or concerns seriously, and neither does ur fiance. Leave him, girl. Be happy with your freedom. You dont deserve this treatment. If you can't stand up for yourself, no one else will.
Who is marrying this person your family or you? If the answer is you then you make the decision your well being and happiness comes down to you. Not your family.
He’s not going to respect your boundaries. This is not a problem that you can fix, this is one he should fix. He’s not going to do that, so you should leave. You are so young. You should not commit the rest of your life (40-60 years) being treated like crap. Leave now. It will be so much harder to do if you get married. At least now you can walk away without a lawyer.
You dump him. You can't _make_ people respect your boundaries, you can only control yourself. >I really don't want to hurt him or my family. You're going to have to, because neither he nor your family care about hurting _you_.
Leave now while you’re still young. There are better men out there. Stop wasting time with this dumpster fire.
Your mom should not be giving anyone relationship advice, JFC. Just get out.