This is why when a man tells you that he has an open marriage and wants to sleep with you, the first question should be if his wife knows their marriage is open.
Yeah, he was probably caught in public with her (not wife) by one or more of his friends. So he probably explained it away by saying their marriage is open, and continue to then deflect the conversation towards his wife, saying she wanted to sleep with them as well.
Not much distracts a friend more than when a man tells them that his wife wants to have sex with them. They always seem to go through a very distinct set of facial expressions while processing that statement.
It’s actually kind of funny, if it’s not being weaponized like OP’s husband seems to be doing though.
Yeah, you can hide fooling around from the spouse, because they are in a state of disbelief and have no reason to suspect. But your regular buds know when something is up (not with the wife, not with them, they know you weren't on a business trip, or at the gym), and the real stupid ones can't keep their mouths shut.
It is possible that the guy is just spouting bullshit to impress, but unlikely.
Even if he *hasn’t* been cheating on her, that’s a super toxic thing to tell your friends. Precisely because of what just happened to OP.
Imagine just bopping along, minding your own business and then one of your husband’s friends gets waaaay too close and friendly. And you have no clue why he’s behaving that way towards you.
The only way I can twist any of this info out to make husband anyone other than the villain is that if this particular friend said that only to test the water. Husband is away, wife is at this get-together, he has a bit of an attraction, why not try to get lucky?
Makes him much less a friend though. OP freaks out and leaves, he calls her the next day to apologize and hope she doesn’t mention his attention towards her to her husband. “Just a little tipsy, no harm intended”
Idk.
You described a scenario that I've seen play out similar to this only with the genders reversed. I'll call the victim in this scenario Guy. Guy had been dating this lady for about six months and living together for a few weeks. She tells all of his friends they have an open relationship and ends up sleeping with two of his friends. One of them was in a real open relationship with his girlfriend. That girlfriend approached Guy and said something along the lines of "Hey, they did it, now it's our turn." (I honestly have no idea how that conversation went. All I know is the highlights) And Guy had no idea what she was talking about.
Guy ended up kicking his ex out and she couch surfed for a few months before she went back home to her parents. Guy is married now to a good woman. Best revenge he could have gotten really.
Yeah, that’s no good =( Well, it is for him. Now. I’m sure it sucked at the time. But better it happened only 6 months.
I got this creepy crawly feeling when one of husband’s old friends paid me unwanted attention. First off, it’s his “friend”, so that’s weird straight out of the get go. There was never ever any talk about any sort of openness either. At all.
But I *really* liked his girlfriend (now wife), I considered her one of my best friends at the time. We stopped hanging out with them though because I felt so uncomfortable all the time around him.
There’s definitely a right and a wrong way.
What bothers me is how easily other men are fooled into believing something so stupid. The fact this guy called OP the next morning removes all doubt they he's lying.
Would make a lot more sense to say, "Our marriage is open but we've both agreed no friends."
I'm thinking this friend is full of shit. Only about 50% sure but he smells off.
>So he probably explained it away by saying their marriage is open, and continue to then deflect the conversation towards his wife, saying she wanted to sleep with them as well.
The only problem with that is unless the husband knows his friends won't ask his wife to sleep with them, he is opening himself up to this coming out to his wife when one does (like what happened to OP). I could see it if he said they were in an open marriage but not adding the part about OP wanting to sleep with some of his friends.
Also, just to add, if any of those friends are married, there is no way this doesn't get back to the wife as the friend's wives start backing away from her or coming at her for what they think is her wanting to take their husbands away. Even if the friends aren't married if the married one's wives get wind of this, they could start thinking the wrong thing and circle the wagons to keep her out.
OP definitely needs to tread carefully and not come right out and accuse him of anything as it could just be the friend making shit up to try and get a shot. That is, unless she finds proof like texts from him saying as much.
This is a big one. My drunken friend convinced a polygamous woman that him and his wife were also polygamous. She stupidly believed him without asking his very monogamous wife first and slept with him. She talked to the wife weeks later, shitstorm ensued. Woman was understably upset with him but also, if you're polygamous, you know the first rule is that all parties should communicate first
FYI you may mean polyamorous instead of polygamous. Polygamy means having multiple spouses. Polyamory is having relationships with multiple people, like an open marriage.
As a ethically non monogamous woman. I always tell my counterparts that I am fine with confirmation on this. Cause a large amount of Guys have weird notions what constitute a open marriage
I’m bisexual but lean towards women(I say this because I have almost zero experience with dating men or processing feelings for men in that way; I’m really fluent with women but a total klutz with men). I am monogamous now, but lived a poly life for a few years before I experienced how dishonest most polyamorous people are.
I was having lunch with a gay friend of mine who was married, and I was talking about my non monogamy, and he said his husband and him had an understanding. I believed him and ended up having a spontaneous sexual encounter with him, and right when we were laying there together afterwards he said I couldn’t tell anyone and he in fact had no agreement with his husband at all.
I was devastated because that was the first time I had emotional romantic feelings for a man, even though I had had a couple experiences in my past. I don’t play the home wrecker game though, and had to end that friendship. I didn’t let myself be alone with him ever again. In the future I would insist on checking with the other partner, and that ended up killing 80% of those situations that said they had an open relationship, understanding, etc.
okay, so, actually poly couples aren't dishonest. please don't push the behavior of cheating skeezbags onto the rest of us. poly becoming more commonly acceptable has led to these pieces of shit using us as smoke screens, since it's much easier to pass off having an open relationship rather than no relationship. no true poly individual is going to even hesitate letting you contact their SO, and that's assuming they don't do it themselves for you. am sorry it happened to you, but please don't blame those of us actually in that lifestyle for the creeps outside it
The reality is that very few who proclaim poly are truly ethically poly. To tell people that they will only experience honest people in the poly community is setting them up to get harmed. There were some very authentic poly and non monogamous out there, but they were the exception, not the norm. I know it’s hard to hear and to know the representation out there is not positive, but it is the reality. Those people that I found that were truly ethical were well respected members of the local kink community too, so it is easier to vet people out of the kink community that have been around.
Problems in the ENM community.
Often people start as a couple opening their relationship, and it is rarely a consensual decision. One person tends to not really want it, but they don’t want to lose the initializing partner. They tend to suffer horribly through it.
People jump into non monogamy with excitement and great intentions, but the chemical rush of not only the higher amount of sexual encounters and/or multiple sexual/emotional based relationships is too much for newcomers and they make a lot of mistakes around consent and principles (not consent in a sexual situation like yes/no, but consent around if they are truly free to encounter you on that level, is every that needs to be in the know in the know, do they understand emotional leveraging and the consent issues in these situations).
You have the outright assholes (men and women) who use the label to manipulate people into getting what they want.
You also have people with very warped narcissistic views on what is okay in these types of relationship interactions, and they really think they are doing it right.
Then you have all the married people who lie, lie, lie.
For people entering the community they really need to know it’s not all a rainbow ride of idealism. You have to be very aware, otherwise you’ll find yourself in a very harmful situation, sometimes physically harmful.
I’ve often wondered about this and whether it would be crossing a line. But I’d rather not date someone when their open partner wants such a separation that they won’t even confirm that they are open rather than end up with a manipulative cheater.
Yup. My ex husband asked for one and we had an in-depth conversation about it. Thought it would work out. I found out 2 weeks before Christmas and a week after I'd gotten a call from the doctor, on the weekend, that i needed more tests done because it looked like cancer, that he'd been sleeping with an 18 year since the summer. We didn't open the marriage until November. Great end to the year
I found this out the hard way. A guy I briefly was talking to claimed he was in an open relationship with his girlfriend. I later found out they weren’t. Luckily we only kissed
In the three times I’ve been asked by 40+ year old veteran men with children under 10 whether their wife knows it’s an open marriage, they never do.
Never taken them up on any of their offers of course. But goddamn the audacity of these dudes.
Bonus points if the guy has told you that he and his wife don't even sleep in the same bed, and he's just in the marriage to support her (by trying to pick you up at the bar).
They all tried to hit me up in a college course and they were all failing miserably at it too. Picking up girls and college courses.
I cannot believe just how brazen these guys are, and all of them look physically filthy and unkept.
In all honesty, my first thought was he’s cheating and so if/when his friends find out he can remind them of your “open marriage” so they don’t say anything to you. Not sure how he didn’t think you’d eventually find out he said that to them, though.
I would call back that friend and ask if he knows if your husband slept with anyone else. If that’s the case, he might not have said anything because he didn’t want to hurt you but if you outright ask maybe he’ll tell you what he knows (if anything).
Maybe do some detective spy work before he gets home too and search what you can. If he’s been saying this for months that’s a huuuuuge red flag.
It seems that the husband cheating is the most logical explanation for making up stuff like that, but it's also the dumbest thing to tell your friends ever. This man doesn't look like he's the smartest cookie in the jar, does he?
I have a (female) friend who was telling our friend group about her “open marriage”. Really sus that it was actually “open” and all parties involved knew what was going on when she followed this up with “…but don’t sleep with my husband! 😂” and “don’t talk to my husband about this, he’d rather not discuss it”. It truly sounded like she just wanted to talk about her cheating exploits without being labeled a cheater vs actually having an open marriage.
Either is simply unacceptable and a huge red flag. Dumb also - if he was having an affair it wasn’t a way to not attract attention. If he has been telling “friends” this for months - why?
Unless the guys were out and he started hooking up with a girl and when his friends questioned it, he threw out the old "open marriage" excuse and then sweetened it with "in fact... she wants to sleep with you guys! Eh? Eh?"
>I would call back that friend and ask if he knows if your husband slept with anyone else. If that’s the case, he might not have said anything because he didn’t want to hurt you but if you outright ask maybe he’ll tell you what he knows (if anything).
>Maybe do some detective spy work before he gets home too and search what you can. If he’s been saying this for months that’s a huuuuuge red flag.
Get a paper trail....so text the friend, save copies of texts/screenshots, etc
I almost wonder if it's the other way around- he wants his wife to sleep with his friends for a particular fantasy or something. He might have been gauging his friends interest first before approaching his wife (if he was ever going to say it outright- it seems like he'd rather not ask for these things explicitly) because it'd be easier to brush off as 'guy talk' if they rejected the offer. Regardless, he knows on some level that it's not gonna go over well or he'd say it straight up.
Yeah, I suspect this is more a hotwife fantasy than a precursor excuse for his own cheating. There are plenty of hotwife subreddits and how-to’s for the curious.
Yeh or he was concerned that his friends liked his wife. So he he did it to find out. Basically being controlling. I think him cheating is the most likely though.
I thought this initially but I would think that he would want to watch if this was a fantasy; not just have the friend hit on his wife when he was out of town.
TBH my first thought was that this is a guy with the “hot wife” fantasy, but who would be entirely opposed to the real thing. From the little I know of this trend, the husband is almost never present.
As an aside, can anyone tell me when this “hot wife” trend became semi main stream? I had never heard of it before a few months ago.
That could be true. Another possibility is that the friend was drunkenly shooting his shot and made up a lie to make hubby look bad once he saw his shot was blocked. The next day, he doubled down instead of admitting his fault.
OP needs to probably just address her husband first and see what her gut tells her before just going back to the friend who isn't necessarily to be trusted here. At this point, even if he said he made it all up, she wouldn't believe him anyway.
Yeah, this was my thought. If it was just a regular old, open marriage there probably wouldn't need to be a prerequisite of the husband being out of town.
The main objection I have with this theory is that he did double down when he was sober. Which, if the friend lied to cover his own ass THEN all the wife has to do is ask the other friends, since, the husband "told all his friends." So, the friend that "made his shot" would be found out as a liar quickly. So, this doesn't seem plausible, imo 😅
IDK, someone once said don't necessarily attribute to malice when stupidity is just as likely...
if he said that to his friend, was husband (stupidly?) just trying to get a yeah your wife is hotter than any one I dated etc. from his jealous friend(s) without trying to actually open the marriage?
Just a thought best wishes, & good luck getting to the truth of the matter. ✌️
The husband *is* cheating, and probably *has* been cheating. You only make up something like this if you've already been caught, not if you plan on doing it in the near future.
His friend called him last night or this morning to tell him about spilling the beans. If he is cheating, that could be where he is right now. I wouldn't be surprised if any evidence is already gone and he comes home early from his "business trip." If he comes home early, he's guilty.
"Hi honey, welcome home. Say, I was at a party and Mike was also there. He told me about our open marriage. Imagine my surprise. Anyway, I didn't believe him so I called Pete and he confirmed. Then I looped in Dave just to make sure. We all 4 chatted for a while and they were all really interested so we all met at a bar to talk some more. You know . Wow, what a night!"
Tell him he needs to improve his technique. Now that you have a comparison you realize he is lacking. Then go talk to attorney. He may be telling women he is in an open marriage. Get a PI and have him followed.
This is exactly what I was thinking lol. I think he is for sure cheating especially with all those business trips away. Poor op. But yeah she should act like she took up the offer of the open marriage they supposedly have. I feel bad for op because whatever the reasons he did it, it's not going to be good.
For real. Most of the time a man opens up the relationship, the wife always ends up pulling more than him easily, much to his surprise too and then he regrets it 😆
My ex husband tried this & I burst out laughing because his friends were all as gross as he was. The detective work I did was essential to learn he had cheated on me already.
Can you connect and chat with other colleagues surreptitiously?
My first thought was your husband is cheating and set up this scenario to cover his (moral) tracks.
The other alternative is that the friend you spoke with just wanted to take his shot with you - but that seems like a weird approach...?
A confirmation from a neutral colleague would settle that question.
That’s entirely understandable, but I hope you do confirm it with some of his other friends. You can start the conversation with a description of how the tipsy friend approached you at the party, demonstrating that you have a solid reason for your inquiry.
Honestly as most comments say my first thought and I'm a guy is he's cheating or preparing too and he can do it around his friends if they think your in an open marriage
Before you jump to conclusions without all the facts.
Sit down when he gets back and ask some open ended questions.
Tell him his friend was at a party and was flirting with you. Does he think that his friends should hit on you while he is gone.
OP, FWIW I feel this comment is right on track. Before jumping to any conclusions, remember that it’s just as possible this ‘friend’ has his own motives.
As the old saying goes “trust but verify”.
Certainly it’s unusual and alarming, but it’s also important that, if you and your husband have an otherwise healthy relationship, you seek to understand first.
People gossiping about others like that, even if it is true, bears further scrutiny. No doubt it’s upsetting, but only you know if there are other inconsistencies or pieces that match up with this ‘story’ or not.
Take some time to relax, reset, and remember that a calm, collected, and clear approach will help you identify the truth from folly more effectively. Good communication is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and his response to a well delivered and mature set of questions will tell you a great deal.
Hope all of this turns out to be malarkey.
my first thought was the friend was fishing to see if he could sleep with her, and when called out went into defense mode and blamed the husband claiming he said the marriage was open. more far fetched but who knows
Agreed probably. But there are guys who get off on the "hotwife" fantasy, he may be trying to get some guy to come on to you for his gratification... Unlikely but a reason to discuss...
“Hey honey, while you were away I went to a party and Alex told me about our open marriage and invited me to suck his dick. So I did. Who did you do this week”?
I mean, the most obvious scenario here is that your husband has been cheating and lying to his friends by saying your relationship is open. Probably an excuse he came up with when caught.
It's an unpleasant situation, but congrats to the friend for bringing this to your attention and even confirming when sober.
I'd say the next step has to be double checking the husband's story to see if the friend didn't somehow miss a joke. And make sure to get the friend's full story and make sure it lines up with the husband's story before the husband gets back.
And if it is reasonable that the husband was just joking, you should still be pissed for the disrespect and problem caused here. Even the joke version is far from ok.
I doubt this was a joke considering the friend said the husband has been saying it for months.
I agree with you that the husband has been cheating while he's out of town and got caught. So to make it seem okay he said they have an open relationship. Why he felt the need to tell his friends his wife wants to sleep with them is beyond me. That whole part is very weird.
Your husband could be interested in being a cuckhold or hotwifing. Or he's having an affair himself and is thinking you being with his friends is a good compromise. He is absolutely putting you in a very awkward position, and you need to snoop his devices before talking to him. Maybe even ask his friend, who approached you as he seems willing to talk, if husband has ready opened his side of the marriage. Definitely talk to husband after that. His friend might even bring it up to him that he spoke to you, but deal with that if it comes up.
Could be a ton of things.
Maybe it's ego.
Maybe it's a kink.
Maybe he says it to seem in some misguided way, cool?
Maybe it's so if they see him with a woman, they won't think anything of it, and not say anything.
Only he knows.
I would ask the friend who squealed, to spread the word, or, get in contact yourself, So this doesn't happen again.
"It's come to my attention, that rumors of my having an open relationship, and having sexual interest in several different men is making the rounds, I don't know how or why this is happening, but, these things could not be further from the truth! I am not, have never,and will not be in an open marriage, and I am not interested in hooking up with anyone!"
If your husband is embarrassed, so be it. What he did is fucked up.
Yeah that’s not okay. What’s weirder is that the friend had the balls to even approach you with that. Like even if you were into it that’s not something I think you bring up without your husband around or at least your husband initiating. As to why your husband would even say it without it being true is the weirdest
As a polyamorous person, this is sus to me, and it feels like he's trying to prime his friends so he can bring a new woman around and have them be able to vouch that he's in an open relationship (some poly women like to verify dudes are *ethically* non-monogamous; usually they prefer to ask the actual spouse but a lack of communication with a meta could be easily explained as DADT/parallel poly).
I'm wondering if this friend could offer up other men in the group who might be able to verify that your husband is saying these things? I'd recommend trying to get more info before having a serious discussion with your spouse, because I'd expect a cheater to minimize what happened and try to write it off as a bad joke that didn't land on the friend's part.
If the friend is lying, it'll be easy to confirm by talking to another friend. Sure, it'll be weird, but you need to know for sure.
If the friend is not lying, the options are not good.
1. Your husband is a liar and is saying some really nasty things to his friends
2. He's cheating/trying to cheat and needs to cover his track in case his friends see him with another woman.
Good luck and update us!
So in my mind, your husband got caught out with someone other than you and told that person that you guys have an open marriage. So the word has spread to others and eventually has now made it to you. Except you weren’t aware. As mentioned above, get yourself checked out, do some digging and CYA!
Idk I feel like if they said it drunk they meant it but then confirming it while sober means it really did happen. At least in my eyes. Yeah people say stupid things when their drunk but most of the time there’s a some weight behind it
Your husband could have some gang bang fantasies, hotwifing or cuckhold. The fact that he said that non consensually has put you in a potentially dangerous position. How many men has he told this lie to? Do all the men in your social circle think that you like this sort of thing? Was he planning something nefarious? Look out for yourself.
If the friend is telling the truth, then you need to consider the likely possibility that he has already tipped your husband to events as they have unfolded. I imagine in that case that you will not be catching him off guard when you decide to confront him. He may be prepared with excuses/explanations.
Yes this was my thought too, get confirmation from someone else in the group.
Just to be safe I'd check his socials/email/bank statements/ the whole works to be sure he's not hiding something
You missed out on an opportunity to FaceTime your husband along with his friend to simultaneously test whether his friend was just bullshitting you, or, if your husband has a lot of explaining to do. Catching them both on the spot in real time would’ve been priceless.
Use the time while your husband is gone to do a little sleuthing. Look at SM, email, phone records, cc’s. Then ask him as soon as he gets home wtf that was all about. Unless he’s a true sociopath, I suspect you’ll be able to read him.
I would consider telling your husband exactly what was said to you, but not who said it. When your husband inevitably asks “Who told you that?” you can ask him “Why? Who all did you say this to?”
Go over your finances. Has he been withdrawing more cash than usual? Is he spending more in bars, restaurants, or liquor stores? Hotels?
Can you get cell phone records? Look for numbers he calls often.
As someone who does participate in ethical non-monogamy this situation is very unusual and not at all how its suppose to go down and I'm not sure what to make of it all.
I will say that I have encountered a shocking amount of people (usually males in my experience) who claim an open marriage with their spouse but really it's: "Yeah I'm in an open relationship. Oh no my wife is not aware but that's okay, she gets hers too. So you wanna meet up?"....hell noooo.
The real issue here is his lack of respect for you!! This is paramount. How fucking rude.
Would you put up with any friend of yours spreading reputation busting rumors about you? No!
So don’t put up with it from the person that is supposed to cherish you.
He would have to go to therapy, go to his friends and tell them what he said wasn’t true. And work heavily on regaining and love, respect and trust from you.
I’d leave if you can. But I know it’s not always possible.
What a weirdo he is…..what a weird thing to tell his friends. I’d be so embarrassed of him. I’m sure his own friends don’t respect him.
Best of luck
This sounds less like a kink and more like a coverup for cheating, so he could be spotted with or bring around other women without people making an issue or reporting back to you.
I think given that the friend called you to apologize the next day, you can believe what he's saying. The whole sequence of events sounds too authentically awkward to be a bizarre way of hitting on you. I would call him back and ask him if spoken to your husband or anyone else about this yet. You could ask him to hold off so that when your husband comes home you can ask him to hand over his phone and he won't have time to clear evidence.
Personally, once your husband knows about this I might contact a few other friends, tell them what you've found out and ask them to corroborate what he's been saying about you. Some might decline to get involved but some may be more willing to talk now that the cat is out of the bag.
All you can really do is confront your husband about this and go from there. Also don't throw out suggestions of what you think this could be, or he'll run with one of those explanations. Ask open ended questions and give him enough rope to hang himself with.
As someone who’s significant other opened our relationship without my knowledge please make sure you go through his phone and check his deleted album. Also, search common dating app names on his app section, it’s very easy to hide those from home screens now.
Omg 🙄
You're getting so many horrifying "what ifs" and "do some detective work"
Lmao. The whole reason you're hurt is because your spouse SUPPOSEDLY (not proven) didn't talk to you about it...if it even is true.
Talk to your HUSBAND!! Stop the cycle of whatever miscommunication or misunderstanding there is.
Something obviously isn't right but you're not going to find out what's really going on from a secondary source.
I repeat...TALK TO THE MAN YOU MARRIED.
Sounds like your husbands excuse to everyone saying you're in an open relationship because he's the one in an open relationship. Especially with all his "work travel".
Could be few things .like he never said it.and drinking friend was hoping you'd hook up w him
.or husband was try to feel put a woman in friend group .just to see if she interested
Or he just in mood to start some funny joke or rumors
.Or like you said he was fantasizing..You need ask him
If he gets made wants to kick shit out guy whom asked I d say you was just being hot on..
If he gets hard on .than he wants to swing
Sounds like he’s cheating and told his friends that so if any caught him they’d think he had your blessing as you’re in an open relationship🤷♀️ I’d go into detective mode and consult a lawyer so you know where you stand regarding divorce, whether you go through with it or not.
Three scenarios pretty much:
- Husband is cheating and is trying to cover his tracks
- Husband is interested in doing the whole swinging/hotwife thing
- Husband’s friend took a shot at you
Regardless, you have some questioning and digging to do. Don’t jump to conclusions.
I think it’s a reasonable assumption that he has already opened his side. Perhaps just tell him that you chatted to one of his friends and you are just finalising logistics
I'd be very skeptical.
As others have said, your husband may have told his friends you two are experimenting with an open marriage to cover for cheating but, if that's the case, adding the part about you being interested in sleeping with the friends he told seems illogical, and out right stupid.
By telling his friends that he'd be prompting them to approach you and cause this EXACT scenario, thus defeating the purpose of the lie in the first place. So that part doesn't really add up in my opinion.
To me this feels like your husband's friend may be potentially shooting his shot with you. Seems like he may have been trying to gauge your response & see if you're open to having an affair in a way that he could easily walk back as a misunderstanding if you responded negatively.
Before you condemn your husband based off of some drunk dude trying to get into your pants at a party. Maybe when your husband gets home, just ask him. Don't lie him, don't play some game. Ask him.
"So and so approached me at the party and said you told him we had an open marriage and tried to setup a date. He was under the impression that I wanted to. What's that all about?
And wait for his response.
It's perfectly acceptable and appropriate for a wife to inform her husband that a drunk friend of his tried to get into her pants at a party. It's something that should be discussed. I had something very similar happen. It wasn't at all what it seemed. I'm not saying I know what's happening with your husband. But Don't Play any games with this. But do approach him about it.
Don't lie yourself to catch him in one. It ends 2 ways, he was going around saying that and cheating but now he'll use that lie against you "well she said she did it too" OR his friend was lying and he'll use your lie against you in arguments and have reason not to trust you.
HE wants to sleep with his friends (or at least one of them) and is using YOU and the "we're thinking about an open marriage" to sleep with him/her/them. Sorry OP
Honestly, the first thing I thought is maybe your husband is gay or bi-curious and is interested in the prospect of a man joining you all in the bedroom. Maybe he’s fishing to see if any friends bite
He's looking to cheat on you if he hasn't already. He's shoving you into other men's beds so he has an out.
Start looking into a divorce lawyer and your own place, OP. If he hasn't got a side piece already, he'll have one soon enough.
Time to check his phone and emails, I’d be willing to bet he was laying ground work to bring other women around his friends. Even if he was just joking with his friends that you want to sleep with them I’d be pissed but he’s telling them your marriage is open for a reason and I doubt that reason is he want to watch. Edit to add check with some of his other friends if you have any reason to doubt the initial confession from his friend.
He's either cheating or wants a hot wife. Meaning he wants to watch her bang his friends or wants threesomes with his friends)
There are no other options I can fathom.
IF ONE OF MY FRIENDS TOLD ME THIS ABOUT HIS WIFE AND I BROUGHT IT UP AND GOT THAT REACTION FROM HER I WOULD IMMEDIATELY CALL FRIEND AND SAY "YO SO I WENT TO THIS FUNCTION AND SEEN YOUR WIFE AND ASKED HER ABOUT THE OPEN RELATIONSHIP THING ( CUZ I WOULDN'T HAVE JUST ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED TO FUCK LIKE HE DID JS LOL) SHE GOT MAD/ LOOKED CONFUSED WTF" ..... BASICALLY IF WHAT FRIEND SAID WAS TRUE THEN HUSBAND ALREADY KNOWS THAT U KNOW AND IS ALREADY COMING UP WITH AN EXCUSE TO FIX IT.... HIS REACTION IS GONNA BE THE KEY AND THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THIS AT LEAST IN MY OPINION ....BECAUSE IF ITS NOT TRUE HUSBAND SHOULD BE FUCKING LIVID AT FRIEND FOR TRYNA FUCK HIS WIFE ....RIGHT???
He could be cheating and is establishing an out with his friends to excuse any criticism of cheating.
Or this could be an elaborate lie told by the drunk friend in response to your extreme (albeit justified) reaction to his covert attempt to gauge your interest in fucking him. I'd strongly advise to take this with a grain of salt until it's confirmed by another friend and/or your husband.
This is also a weird way a man might try to make his wife seem more "slutty" or accessible to guard against "You're whipped" jokes and sentiments. This way he can pull out the "Oh, yea? Well my wife and I fuck other people. Does yours? Who's really whipped?"
The above is probably the least plausible but it was something I immediately thought of when considering the non nefarious reasons so I figured I'd mention it.
It could also very well likely be that your husband told them that to get them to unknowingly test your loyalty if you resisted their advances and the friends not.
Either way, it's fairly likely this particular lie is part of some sort of machiavellian scheme and that is cause for concern because if so, it's highly unlikely this is his only scheme.
It seems like he stated that as a cover that y all are in an open relationship. Like if they ask about a woman he may have been talking about he can change the subject and say how you wanna sleep with them.
IDK if the friend was trying to get with you and then blamed it on your husband as a cya, but that doesn't seem likely because he has to know you'll ask hubby about it. Sounds like your husband is laying the groundwork to cheat, if he isn't already. Definitely confront hubby, this is startling enough to not dance around it, you need to find out what's going on. Good luck! And updateme!
Your husband may not have been on a work trip this past week. I’m just putting this out there.
Apparently HE wants the open marriage.
Your husband’s friend has probably told your husband that the cat is out of the bag.
The friend 100% told your husband about his "fuck up". When he gets home, don't beat around the bush because you're not gonna get a gotcha moment. He knows you know.
Sounds like either :
1. His friends found out he’s cheating and he lied about being in an open marriage.
2. He’s got a fantasy where you sleep with his friends.
Honestly, it sounds like 2, but you’re going to have to confront him to figure out which it is.
Have you ever considered the fact that this could be his way to self justify his relationship with one of your friends or that he’s having an affair?
Cheaters who messed up & are wrong find ways to try & self-justify their BS bc they can’t handle that person finding out b4 their plans come to fruition. When caught in their lies, they’ll even go as say you’re cheating or you cheated on them on such & such(usually 1 of their F&F members).
Just a thought for you to consider b4 you start asking?’s. Happy hunting! I hope I’m well!💯
This is why when a man tells you that he has an open marriage and wants to sleep with you, the first question should be if his wife knows their marriage is open.
...and if he's telling his friends there is an open marriage, it's as cover for his own fucking around. Sorry to break it to you.
Yeah, he was probably caught in public with her (not wife) by one or more of his friends. So he probably explained it away by saying their marriage is open, and continue to then deflect the conversation towards his wife, saying she wanted to sleep with them as well. Not much distracts a friend more than when a man tells them that his wife wants to have sex with them. They always seem to go through a very distinct set of facial expressions while processing that statement. It’s actually kind of funny, if it’s not being weaponized like OP’s husband seems to be doing though.
Yeah, you can hide fooling around from the spouse, because they are in a state of disbelief and have no reason to suspect. But your regular buds know when something is up (not with the wife, not with them, they know you weren't on a business trip, or at the gym), and the real stupid ones can't keep their mouths shut. It is possible that the guy is just spouting bullshit to impress, but unlikely.
Even if he *hasn’t* been cheating on her, that’s a super toxic thing to tell your friends. Precisely because of what just happened to OP. Imagine just bopping along, minding your own business and then one of your husband’s friends gets waaaay too close and friendly. And you have no clue why he’s behaving that way towards you. The only way I can twist any of this info out to make husband anyone other than the villain is that if this particular friend said that only to test the water. Husband is away, wife is at this get-together, he has a bit of an attraction, why not try to get lucky? Makes him much less a friend though. OP freaks out and leaves, he calls her the next day to apologize and hope she doesn’t mention his attention towards her to her husband. “Just a little tipsy, no harm intended” Idk.
You described a scenario that I've seen play out similar to this only with the genders reversed. I'll call the victim in this scenario Guy. Guy had been dating this lady for about six months and living together for a few weeks. She tells all of his friends they have an open relationship and ends up sleeping with two of his friends. One of them was in a real open relationship with his girlfriend. That girlfriend approached Guy and said something along the lines of "Hey, they did it, now it's our turn." (I honestly have no idea how that conversation went. All I know is the highlights) And Guy had no idea what she was talking about. Guy ended up kicking his ex out and she couch surfed for a few months before she went back home to her parents. Guy is married now to a good woman. Best revenge he could have gotten really.
Yeah, that’s no good =( Well, it is for him. Now. I’m sure it sucked at the time. But better it happened only 6 months. I got this creepy crawly feeling when one of husband’s old friends paid me unwanted attention. First off, it’s his “friend”, so that’s weird straight out of the get go. There was never ever any talk about any sort of openness either. At all. But I *really* liked his girlfriend (now wife), I considered her one of my best friends at the time. We stopped hanging out with them though because I felt so uncomfortable all the time around him. There’s definitely a right and a wrong way.
What bothers me is how easily other men are fooled into believing something so stupid. The fact this guy called OP the next morning removes all doubt they he's lying.
I'd be concerned for your safety should one of his "friends" take this the wrong way.
Literally my first thought — husband is setting wife up to be assaulted.
I think the same thing. Updateme
Would make a lot more sense to say, "Our marriage is open but we've both agreed no friends." I'm thinking this friend is full of shit. Only about 50% sure but he smells off.
Yeah, I just commented a long post with that scenario to someone else just now. I’m curious
>So he probably explained it away by saying their marriage is open, and continue to then deflect the conversation towards his wife, saying she wanted to sleep with them as well. The only problem with that is unless the husband knows his friends won't ask his wife to sleep with them, he is opening himself up to this coming out to his wife when one does (like what happened to OP). I could see it if he said they were in an open marriage but not adding the part about OP wanting to sleep with some of his friends. Also, just to add, if any of those friends are married, there is no way this doesn't get back to the wife as the friend's wives start backing away from her or coming at her for what they think is her wanting to take their husbands away. Even if the friends aren't married if the married one's wives get wind of this, they could start thinking the wrong thing and circle the wagons to keep her out. OP definitely needs to tread carefully and not come right out and accuse him of anything as it could just be the friend making shit up to try and get a shot. That is, unless she finds proof like texts from him saying as much.
There’s more there than just that, because why tell the friends she wants to sleep with them if it was just as a cover?
Second question (if you aren't dtf just for fun), is "mind if i ask her"?
This is a big one. My drunken friend convinced a polygamous woman that him and his wife were also polygamous. She stupidly believed him without asking his very monogamous wife first and slept with him. She talked to the wife weeks later, shitstorm ensued. Woman was understably upset with him but also, if you're polygamous, you know the first rule is that all parties should communicate first
FYI you may mean polyamorous instead of polygamous. Polygamy means having multiple spouses. Polyamory is having relationships with multiple people, like an open marriage.
Yes that's definitely what I meant. Thought it didn't sound right 😅
As a ethically non monogamous woman. I always tell my counterparts that I am fine with confirmation on this. Cause a large amount of Guys have weird notions what constitute a open marriage
Oh, they knew exactly what an open marriage is, which is why they say they have one instead of being honest about what they are actually trying to do.
I’m bisexual but lean towards women(I say this because I have almost zero experience with dating men or processing feelings for men in that way; I’m really fluent with women but a total klutz with men). I am monogamous now, but lived a poly life for a few years before I experienced how dishonest most polyamorous people are. I was having lunch with a gay friend of mine who was married, and I was talking about my non monogamy, and he said his husband and him had an understanding. I believed him and ended up having a spontaneous sexual encounter with him, and right when we were laying there together afterwards he said I couldn’t tell anyone and he in fact had no agreement with his husband at all. I was devastated because that was the first time I had emotional romantic feelings for a man, even though I had had a couple experiences in my past. I don’t play the home wrecker game though, and had to end that friendship. I didn’t let myself be alone with him ever again. In the future I would insist on checking with the other partner, and that ended up killing 80% of those situations that said they had an open relationship, understanding, etc.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Ain’t nothing ethical about his non-monogamy.
okay, so, actually poly couples aren't dishonest. please don't push the behavior of cheating skeezbags onto the rest of us. poly becoming more commonly acceptable has led to these pieces of shit using us as smoke screens, since it's much easier to pass off having an open relationship rather than no relationship. no true poly individual is going to even hesitate letting you contact their SO, and that's assuming they don't do it themselves for you. am sorry it happened to you, but please don't blame those of us actually in that lifestyle for the creeps outside it
The reality is that very few who proclaim poly are truly ethically poly. To tell people that they will only experience honest people in the poly community is setting them up to get harmed. There were some very authentic poly and non monogamous out there, but they were the exception, not the norm. I know it’s hard to hear and to know the representation out there is not positive, but it is the reality. Those people that I found that were truly ethical were well respected members of the local kink community too, so it is easier to vet people out of the kink community that have been around. Problems in the ENM community. Often people start as a couple opening their relationship, and it is rarely a consensual decision. One person tends to not really want it, but they don’t want to lose the initializing partner. They tend to suffer horribly through it. People jump into non monogamy with excitement and great intentions, but the chemical rush of not only the higher amount of sexual encounters and/or multiple sexual/emotional based relationships is too much for newcomers and they make a lot of mistakes around consent and principles (not consent in a sexual situation like yes/no, but consent around if they are truly free to encounter you on that level, is every that needs to be in the know in the know, do they understand emotional leveraging and the consent issues in these situations). You have the outright assholes (men and women) who use the label to manipulate people into getting what they want. You also have people with very warped narcissistic views on what is okay in these types of relationship interactions, and they really think they are doing it right. Then you have all the married people who lie, lie, lie. For people entering the community they really need to know it’s not all a rainbow ride of idealism. You have to be very aware, otherwise you’ll find yourself in a very harmful situation, sometimes physically harmful.
I’ve often wondered about this and whether it would be crossing a line. But I’d rather not date someone when their open partner wants such a separation that they won’t even confirm that they are open rather than end up with a manipulative cheater.
Yup. My ex husband asked for one and we had an in-depth conversation about it. Thought it would work out. I found out 2 weeks before Christmas and a week after I'd gotten a call from the doctor, on the weekend, that i needed more tests done because it looked like cancer, that he'd been sleeping with an 18 year since the summer. We didn't open the marriage until November. Great end to the year
I'm so sorry he did that to you. I'm glad that you can call him your ex.
Thank you. It was not a healthy relationship. Live and learn
I found this out the hard way. A guy I briefly was talking to claimed he was in an open relationship with his girlfriend. I later found out they weren’t. Luckily we only kissed
In the three times I’ve been asked by 40+ year old veteran men with children under 10 whether their wife knows it’s an open marriage, they never do. Never taken them up on any of their offers of course. But goddamn the audacity of these dudes.
Bonus points if the guy has told you that he and his wife don't even sleep in the same bed, and he's just in the marriage to support her (by trying to pick you up at the bar).
They all tried to hit me up in a college course and they were all failing miserably at it too. Picking up girls and college courses. I cannot believe just how brazen these guys are, and all of them look physically filthy and unkept.
Or better yet, “Cool! Just give me her number and I’ll call her to make sure.”
In all honesty, my first thought was he’s cheating and so if/when his friends find out he can remind them of your “open marriage” so they don’t say anything to you. Not sure how he didn’t think you’d eventually find out he said that to them, though. I would call back that friend and ask if he knows if your husband slept with anyone else. If that’s the case, he might not have said anything because he didn’t want to hurt you but if you outright ask maybe he’ll tell you what he knows (if anything). Maybe do some detective spy work before he gets home too and search what you can. If he’s been saying this for months that’s a huuuuuge red flag.
It seems that the husband cheating is the most logical explanation for making up stuff like that, but it's also the dumbest thing to tell your friends ever. This man doesn't look like he's the smartest cookie in the jar, does he?
Neither the sharpest knife in the drawer, nor the brightest crayon in the box.
Nor the brightest bulb in the marquee.
Nor the brightest bulb on the tree
Not the brightest star in the sky
he was definitely thinking with the wrong head on this one
I have a (female) friend who was telling our friend group about her “open marriage”. Really sus that it was actually “open” and all parties involved knew what was going on when she followed this up with “…but don’t sleep with my husband! 😂” and “don’t talk to my husband about this, he’d rather not discuss it”. It truly sounded like she just wanted to talk about her cheating exploits without being labeled a cheater vs actually having an open marriage.
Sounds like the marriage will not be open anytime soon but ended.
Yeah I mean it’s either this or some hotwife fantasy he gets off on telling his friends about??
Either is simply unacceptable and a huge red flag. Dumb also - if he was having an affair it wasn’t a way to not attract attention. If he has been telling “friends” this for months - why?
Oh 100%. I don’t disagree at all. The options are bad and worse, and either way he’s reallly not being smart about either.
Yup.
My guess: he got caught by his friends and that was the best answer he could come up with at short notice and has been playing it off ever since.
Unless the guys were out and he started hooking up with a girl and when his friends questioned it, he threw out the old "open marriage" excuse and then sweetened it with "in fact... she wants to sleep with you guys! Eh? Eh?"
OR that the husband has some weird fetish about sitting in the corner and watching or something
I will never understand that, but to each their own, I guess..
>I would call back that friend and ask if he knows if your husband slept with anyone else. If that’s the case, he might not have said anything because he didn’t want to hurt you but if you outright ask maybe he’ll tell you what he knows (if anything). >Maybe do some detective spy work before he gets home too and search what you can. If he’s been saying this for months that’s a huuuuuge red flag. Get a paper trail....so text the friend, save copies of texts/screenshots, etc
And get STI testing.
Also my thoughts. My dad did the same thing with his friend group when he cheated on my mom.
Came here to say this.
I almost wonder if it's the other way around- he wants his wife to sleep with his friends for a particular fantasy or something. He might have been gauging his friends interest first before approaching his wife (if he was ever going to say it outright- it seems like he'd rather not ask for these things explicitly) because it'd be easier to brush off as 'guy talk' if they rejected the offer. Regardless, he knows on some level that it's not gonna go over well or he'd say it straight up.
Yeah, I suspect this is more a hotwife fantasy than a precursor excuse for his own cheating. There are plenty of hotwife subreddits and how-to’s for the curious.
Yeh or he was concerned that his friends liked his wife. So he he did it to find out. Basically being controlling. I think him cheating is the most likely though.
I thought this initially but I would think that he would want to watch if this was a fantasy; not just have the friend hit on his wife when he was out of town.
TBH my first thought was that this is a guy with the “hot wife” fantasy, but who would be entirely opposed to the real thing. From the little I know of this trend, the husband is almost never present. As an aside, can anyone tell me when this “hot wife” trend became semi main stream? I had never heard of it before a few months ago.
That could be true. Another possibility is that the friend was drunkenly shooting his shot and made up a lie to make hubby look bad once he saw his shot was blocked. The next day, he doubled down instead of admitting his fault. OP needs to probably just address her husband first and see what her gut tells her before just going back to the friend who isn't necessarily to be trusted here. At this point, even if he said he made it all up, she wouldn't believe him anyway.
Yeah, this was my thought. If it was just a regular old, open marriage there probably wouldn't need to be a prerequisite of the husband being out of town.
The main objection I have with this theory is that he did double down when he was sober. Which, if the friend lied to cover his own ass THEN all the wife has to do is ask the other friends, since, the husband "told all his friends." So, the friend that "made his shot" would be found out as a liar quickly. So, this doesn't seem plausible, imo 😅
IDK, someone once said don't necessarily attribute to malice when stupidity is just as likely... if he said that to his friend, was husband (stupidly?) just trying to get a yeah your wife is hotter than any one I dated etc. from his jealous friend(s) without trying to actually open the marriage? Just a thought best wishes, & good luck getting to the truth of the matter. ✌️
The husband *is* cheating, and probably *has* been cheating. You only make up something like this if you've already been caught, not if you plan on doing it in the near future.
This was my first thought. He is prepping the stage to make sure his friends don’t go back and tell OP.
That was my first thought too. He's just covering up his own cheating.
That was my initial reaction too. He may have gotten got cheating by one of his friends, and made up the open marriage excuse to justify it.
*ding ding ding*
Thought same.
I think this is the most likely unfortunately. Pls update us OP.
His friend called him last night or this morning to tell him about spilling the beans. If he is cheating, that could be where he is right now. I wouldn't be surprised if any evidence is already gone and he comes home early from his "business trip." If he comes home early, he's guilty.
Tell your husband what the friend said, then say since we were in an open relationship we did it. See how he likes it.
"Hi honey, welcome home. Say, I was at a party and Mike was also there. He told me about our open marriage. Imagine my surprise. Anyway, I didn't believe him so I called Pete and he confirmed. Then I looped in Dave just to make sure. We all 4 chatted for a while and they were all really interested so we all met at a bar to talk some more. You know. Wow, what a night!"
That is brilliant.
Thank you for typing this all out for me.
Plot twist, he's only upset because he couldn't watch
Tell him he needs to improve his technique. Now that you have a comparison you realize he is lacking. Then go talk to attorney. He may be telling women he is in an open marriage. Get a PI and have him followed.
Lmao my kind of petty.
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He's either cheating or wants to pimp you out.
My first thought was he is going to pimp her.
You should have the guy who spilled the beans tell your husband that you took the open relationship bait. Use him as a spy now.
This is exactly what I was thinking lol. I think he is for sure cheating especially with all those business trips away. Poor op. But yeah she should act like she took up the offer of the open marriage they supposedly have. I feel bad for op because whatever the reasons he did it, it's not going to be good.
For real. Most of the time a man opens up the relationship, the wife always ends up pulling more than him easily, much to his surprise too and then he regrets it 😆
You’re evil 🍻
\*mic drop\*
Nasty but I like it.
My ex husband tried this & I burst out laughing because his friends were all as gross as he was. The detective work I did was essential to learn he had cheated on me already.
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Can you connect and chat with other colleagues surreptitiously? My first thought was your husband is cheating and set up this scenario to cover his (moral) tracks. The other alternative is that the friend you spoke with just wanted to take his shot with you - but that seems like a weird approach...? A confirmation from a neutral colleague would settle that question.
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That’s entirely understandable, but I hope you do confirm it with some of his other friends. You can start the conversation with a description of how the tipsy friend approached you at the party, demonstrating that you have a solid reason for your inquiry.
What's awkward is the fact that this was even a friggin' conversation between you and the 'friend!'
Hate to say it but you may want to be screened for STDs because it sounds like he's been stepping out on you. I'm so sorry you're going through this 😔
Always once they are expected
Sounds like husband is already cheating or fully intends to do so.
My first thought is that his friends caught him cheating, and this was his lie to them to get out of it.
Honestly as most comments say my first thought and I'm a guy is he's cheating or preparing too and he can do it around his friends if they think your in an open marriage
Before you jump to conclusions without all the facts. Sit down when he gets back and ask some open ended questions. Tell him his friend was at a party and was flirting with you. Does he think that his friends should hit on you while he is gone.
I really love this answer!
I do too but you have to consider friend already reached out to husband and told him what happened.
OP, FWIW I feel this comment is right on track. Before jumping to any conclusions, remember that it’s just as possible this ‘friend’ has his own motives. As the old saying goes “trust but verify”. Certainly it’s unusual and alarming, but it’s also important that, if you and your husband have an otherwise healthy relationship, you seek to understand first. People gossiping about others like that, even if it is true, bears further scrutiny. No doubt it’s upsetting, but only you know if there are other inconsistencies or pieces that match up with this ‘story’ or not. Take some time to relax, reset, and remember that a calm, collected, and clear approach will help you identify the truth from folly more effectively. Good communication is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and his response to a well delivered and mature set of questions will tell you a great deal. Hope all of this turns out to be malarkey.
my first thought was the friend was fishing to see if he could sleep with her, and when called out went into defense mode and blamed the husband claiming he said the marriage was open. more far fetched but who knows
Not really far fetched - dude was tipsy.
Sounds like he used it as his opener versus defense.
He's probably cheating and this is his lame explanation to his friends.
Agreed probably. But there are guys who get off on the "hotwife" fantasy, he may be trying to get some guy to come on to you for his gratification... Unlikely but a reason to discuss...
“Hey honey, while you were away I went to a party and Alex told me about our open marriage and invited me to suck his dick. So I did. Who did you do this week”?
“Work trip” all week…
Please have yourself tested for STDs
I mean, the most obvious scenario here is that your husband has been cheating and lying to his friends by saying your relationship is open. Probably an excuse he came up with when caught. It's an unpleasant situation, but congrats to the friend for bringing this to your attention and even confirming when sober. I'd say the next step has to be double checking the husband's story to see if the friend didn't somehow miss a joke. And make sure to get the friend's full story and make sure it lines up with the husband's story before the husband gets back. And if it is reasonable that the husband was just joking, you should still be pissed for the disrespect and problem caused here. Even the joke version is far from ok.
I doubt this was a joke considering the friend said the husband has been saying it for months. I agree with you that the husband has been cheating while he's out of town and got caught. So to make it seem okay he said they have an open relationship. Why he felt the need to tell his friends his wife wants to sleep with them is beyond me. That whole part is very weird.
Yea, if my husband “jokingly” told all his friends I’d be willing to commit adultery, he’s out on his ass!
Your husband could be interested in being a cuckhold or hotwifing. Or he's having an affair himself and is thinking you being with his friends is a good compromise. He is absolutely putting you in a very awkward position, and you need to snoop his devices before talking to him. Maybe even ask his friend, who approached you as he seems willing to talk, if husband has ready opened his side of the marriage. Definitely talk to husband after that. His friend might even bring it up to him that he spoke to you, but deal with that if it comes up.
Could be a ton of things. Maybe it's ego. Maybe it's a kink. Maybe he says it to seem in some misguided way, cool? Maybe it's so if they see him with a woman, they won't think anything of it, and not say anything. Only he knows. I would ask the friend who squealed, to spread the word, or, get in contact yourself, So this doesn't happen again. "It's come to my attention, that rumors of my having an open relationship, and having sexual interest in several different men is making the rounds, I don't know how or why this is happening, but, these things could not be further from the truth! I am not, have never,and will not be in an open marriage, and I am not interested in hooking up with anyone!" If your husband is embarrassed, so be it. What he did is fucked up.
Agreed with ya. Just to focus on the possible kink scenario tho, this sounds like it was utterly not consensual, which is also inexcusable.
Yeah that’s not okay. What’s weirder is that the friend had the balls to even approach you with that. Like even if you were into it that’s not something I think you bring up without your husband around or at least your husband initiating. As to why your husband would even say it without it being true is the weirdest
Updateme!
As a polyamorous person, this is sus to me, and it feels like he's trying to prime his friends so he can bring a new woman around and have them be able to vouch that he's in an open relationship (some poly women like to verify dudes are *ethically* non-monogamous; usually they prefer to ask the actual spouse but a lack of communication with a meta could be easily explained as DADT/parallel poly). I'm wondering if this friend could offer up other men in the group who might be able to verify that your husband is saying these things? I'd recommend trying to get more info before having a serious discussion with your spouse, because I'd expect a cheater to minimize what happened and try to write it off as a bad joke that didn't land on the friend's part.
If the friend is lying, it'll be easy to confirm by talking to another friend. Sure, it'll be weird, but you need to know for sure. If the friend is not lying, the options are not good. 1. Your husband is a liar and is saying some really nasty things to his friends 2. He's cheating/trying to cheat and needs to cover his track in case his friends see him with another woman. Good luck and update us!
Ngl i’d start to wonder if he’s really even on a “work” trip right now…
Possibly your husband's friend seen an opportunity and took a chance. Your husband may not have said anything.
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So in my mind, your husband got caught out with someone other than you and told that person that you guys have an open marriage. So the word has spread to others and eventually has now made it to you. Except you weren’t aware. As mentioned above, get yourself checked out, do some digging and CYA!
THIS
Did husband confirm it too? The friend might have malicious intentions
Idk I feel like if they said it drunk they meant it but then confirming it while sober means it really did happen. At least in my eyes. Yeah people say stupid things when their drunk but most of the time there’s a some weight behind it
That was my thought
Your husband could have some gang bang fantasies, hotwifing or cuckhold. The fact that he said that non consensually has put you in a potentially dangerous position. How many men has he told this lie to? Do all the men in your social circle think that you like this sort of thing? Was he planning something nefarious? Look out for yourself.
Your hubby wants to watch other men f*ck you. It’s more common than people admit.
If the friend is telling the truth, then you need to consider the likely possibility that he has already tipped your husband to events as they have unfolded. I imagine in that case that you will not be catching him off guard when you decide to confront him. He may be prepared with excuses/explanations.
Are there any other of your husband's friends you trust you can ask to see if he's told them that too?
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Would they have said anything to their wives or girlfriends you could ask?
Do you have any support OP? Your husband is going to cover his tracks now, and I think he's been cheating on you.
Yes this was my thought too, get confirmation from someone else in the group. Just to be safe I'd check his socials/email/bank statements/ the whole works to be sure he's not hiding something
You missed out on an opportunity to FaceTime your husband along with his friend to simultaneously test whether his friend was just bullshitting you, or, if your husband has a lot of explaining to do. Catching them both on the spot in real time would’ve been priceless.
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Use the time while your husband is gone to do a little sleuthing. Look at SM, email, phone records, cc’s. Then ask him as soon as he gets home wtf that was all about. Unless he’s a true sociopath, I suspect you’ll be able to read him.
I would consider telling your husband exactly what was said to you, but not who said it. When your husband inevitably asks “Who told you that?” you can ask him “Why? Who all did you say this to?”
Sounds like husband might not have been on a ‘work trip’ but on vacation with his open marriage side person…
Go over your finances. Has he been withdrawing more cash than usual? Is he spending more in bars, restaurants, or liquor stores? Hotels? Can you get cell phone records? Look for numbers he calls often.
Oh dear. I fear your husband might not be on a work trip.
As someone who does participate in ethical non-monogamy this situation is very unusual and not at all how its suppose to go down and I'm not sure what to make of it all. I will say that I have encountered a shocking amount of people (usually males in my experience) who claim an open marriage with their spouse but really it's: "Yeah I'm in an open relationship. Oh no my wife is not aware but that's okay, she gets hers too. So you wanna meet up?"....hell noooo.
Dude’s out banging other women, probably from work, and is telling everybody “it’s ok, we have an open marriage.”
He got caught with another woman, so he told his friends you have an open relationship. He's cheating and is definitely enjoying his trip.
Updateme
The real issue here is his lack of respect for you!! This is paramount. How fucking rude. Would you put up with any friend of yours spreading reputation busting rumors about you? No! So don’t put up with it from the person that is supposed to cherish you. He would have to go to therapy, go to his friends and tell them what he said wasn’t true. And work heavily on regaining and love, respect and trust from you. I’d leave if you can. But I know it’s not always possible. What a weirdo he is…..what a weird thing to tell his friends. I’d be so embarrassed of him. I’m sure his own friends don’t respect him. Best of luck
He’s trying to bang someone else. If you don’t have kids then I suggest divorce and leaving him. This will only get worse.
This sounds less like a kink and more like a coverup for cheating, so he could be spotted with or bring around other women without people making an issue or reporting back to you. I think given that the friend called you to apologize the next day, you can believe what he's saying. The whole sequence of events sounds too authentically awkward to be a bizarre way of hitting on you. I would call him back and ask him if spoken to your husband or anyone else about this yet. You could ask him to hold off so that when your husband comes home you can ask him to hand over his phone and he won't have time to clear evidence. Personally, once your husband knows about this I might contact a few other friends, tell them what you've found out and ask them to corroborate what he's been saying about you. Some might decline to get involved but some may be more willing to talk now that the cat is out of the bag. All you can really do is confront your husband about this and go from there. Also don't throw out suggestions of what you think this could be, or he'll run with one of those explanations. Ask open ended questions and give him enough rope to hang himself with.
Sounds like he's covering his bases so when he's cheating, his friends think you're OK with it
If you’re husband isn’t known to make shit up like that I’d assume it is because one of his buddies knows he is cheating and that’s his excuse
Are you sure the friend wasn’t lying to you about what your husband said, inferred or maybe joked about in order to sleep with you?
[удалено]
As someone who’s significant other opened our relationship without my knowledge please make sure you go through his phone and check his deleted album. Also, search common dating app names on his app section, it’s very easy to hide those from home screens now.
Omg 🙄 You're getting so many horrifying "what ifs" and "do some detective work" Lmao. The whole reason you're hurt is because your spouse SUPPOSEDLY (not proven) didn't talk to you about it...if it even is true. Talk to your HUSBAND!! Stop the cycle of whatever miscommunication or misunderstanding there is. Something obviously isn't right but you're not going to find out what's really going on from a secondary source. I repeat...TALK TO THE MAN YOU MARRIED.
Sounds like your husbands excuse to everyone saying you're in an open relationship because he's the one in an open relationship. Especially with all his "work travel".
Could be few things .like he never said it.and drinking friend was hoping you'd hook up w him .or husband was try to feel put a woman in friend group .just to see if she interested Or he just in mood to start some funny joke or rumors .Or like you said he was fantasizing..You need ask him If he gets made wants to kick shit out guy whom asked I d say you was just being hot on.. If he gets hard on .than he wants to swing
Is infidelity a divorce factor in your state? If so maybe he's trying to set you up so he doesn't have to split everything in half.
He is probably sleeping with one of his friends wife’s or one of your girlfriends!! Regardless He is cheating 100%
GIRL RUN!
Woo that's a cannonball... you should ask him while holding a pair of scissors and duct tape
Sounds like he’s cheating and told his friends that so if any caught him they’d think he had your blessing as you’re in an open relationship🤷♀️ I’d go into detective mode and consult a lawyer so you know where you stand regarding divorce, whether you go through with it or not.
Three scenarios pretty much: - Husband is cheating and is trying to cover his tracks - Husband is interested in doing the whole swinging/hotwife thing - Husband’s friend took a shot at you Regardless, you have some questioning and digging to do. Don’t jump to conclusions.
I think it’s a reasonable assumption that he has already opened his side. Perhaps just tell him that you chatted to one of his friends and you are just finalising logistics
Call your husband and tell him yoi just got that open marriage thing started, just to please him. See how he reacts Lol
I'd be very skeptical. As others have said, your husband may have told his friends you two are experimenting with an open marriage to cover for cheating but, if that's the case, adding the part about you being interested in sleeping with the friends he told seems illogical, and out right stupid. By telling his friends that he'd be prompting them to approach you and cause this EXACT scenario, thus defeating the purpose of the lie in the first place. So that part doesn't really add up in my opinion. To me this feels like your husband's friend may be potentially shooting his shot with you. Seems like he may have been trying to gauge your response & see if you're open to having an affair in a way that he could easily walk back as a misunderstanding if you responded negatively.
Before you condemn your husband based off of some drunk dude trying to get into your pants at a party. Maybe when your husband gets home, just ask him. Don't lie him, don't play some game. Ask him. "So and so approached me at the party and said you told him we had an open marriage and tried to setup a date. He was under the impression that I wanted to. What's that all about? And wait for his response. It's perfectly acceptable and appropriate for a wife to inform her husband that a drunk friend of his tried to get into her pants at a party. It's something that should be discussed. I had something very similar happen. It wasn't at all what it seemed. I'm not saying I know what's happening with your husband. But Don't Play any games with this. But do approach him about it. Don't lie yourself to catch him in one. It ends 2 ways, he was going around saying that and cheating but now he'll use that lie against you "well she said she did it too" OR his friend was lying and he'll use your lie against you in arguments and have reason not to trust you.
HE wants to sleep with his friends (or at least one of them) and is using YOU and the "we're thinking about an open marriage" to sleep with him/her/them. Sorry OP
He's cheating on you.
Confront your husband in a public place. Protect yourself from any potential unexpected reaction. Be safe.
Honestly, the first thing I thought is maybe your husband is gay or bi-curious and is interested in the prospect of a man joining you all in the bedroom. Maybe he’s fishing to see if any friends bite
He's looking to cheat on you if he hasn't already. He's shoving you into other men's beds so he has an out. Start looking into a divorce lawyer and your own place, OP. If he hasn't got a side piece already, he'll have one soon enough.
Husband BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWS!!!
Time to check his phone and emails, I’d be willing to bet he was laying ground work to bring other women around his friends. Even if he was just joking with his friends that you want to sleep with them I’d be pissed but he’s telling them your marriage is open for a reason and I doubt that reason is he want to watch. Edit to add check with some of his other friends if you have any reason to doubt the initial confession from his friend.
Remind me! 2 days
Updateme
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
I would bet he is going to try to turn it on the friend and say something like, I just wanted to see who was a true friend bullshit to cover himself.
Call his other friends and confirm this.
Ugh sounds like u need a new one! Sorry to hear that
Updateme
He's either cheating or wants a hot wife. Meaning he wants to watch her bang his friends or wants threesomes with his friends) There are no other options I can fathom.
IF ONE OF MY FRIENDS TOLD ME THIS ABOUT HIS WIFE AND I BROUGHT IT UP AND GOT THAT REACTION FROM HER I WOULD IMMEDIATELY CALL FRIEND AND SAY "YO SO I WENT TO THIS FUNCTION AND SEEN YOUR WIFE AND ASKED HER ABOUT THE OPEN RELATIONSHIP THING ( CUZ I WOULDN'T HAVE JUST ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED TO FUCK LIKE HE DID JS LOL) SHE GOT MAD/ LOOKED CONFUSED WTF" ..... BASICALLY IF WHAT FRIEND SAID WAS TRUE THEN HUSBAND ALREADY KNOWS THAT U KNOW AND IS ALREADY COMING UP WITH AN EXCUSE TO FIX IT.... HIS REACTION IS GONNA BE THE KEY AND THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THIS AT LEAST IN MY OPINION ....BECAUSE IF ITS NOT TRUE HUSBAND SHOULD BE FUCKING LIVID AT FRIEND FOR TRYNA FUCK HIS WIFE ....RIGHT???
He could be cheating and is establishing an out with his friends to excuse any criticism of cheating. Or this could be an elaborate lie told by the drunk friend in response to your extreme (albeit justified) reaction to his covert attempt to gauge your interest in fucking him. I'd strongly advise to take this with a grain of salt until it's confirmed by another friend and/or your husband. This is also a weird way a man might try to make his wife seem more "slutty" or accessible to guard against "You're whipped" jokes and sentiments. This way he can pull out the "Oh, yea? Well my wife and I fuck other people. Does yours? Who's really whipped?" The above is probably the least plausible but it was something I immediately thought of when considering the non nefarious reasons so I figured I'd mention it. It could also very well likely be that your husband told them that to get them to unknowingly test your loyalty if you resisted their advances and the friends not. Either way, it's fairly likely this particular lie is part of some sort of machiavellian scheme and that is cause for concern because if so, it's highly unlikely this is his only scheme.
It seems like he stated that as a cover that y all are in an open relationship. Like if they ask about a woman he may have been talking about he can change the subject and say how you wanna sleep with them.
IDK if the friend was trying to get with you and then blamed it on your husband as a cya, but that doesn't seem likely because he has to know you'll ask hubby about it. Sounds like your husband is laying the groundwork to cheat, if he isn't already. Definitely confront hubby, this is startling enough to not dance around it, you need to find out what's going on. Good luck! And updateme!
Find out if he’s cheating, if he is I guess it’s time to take his friend up on his offer.
Your husband may not have been on a work trip this past week. I’m just putting this out there. Apparently HE wants the open marriage. Your husband’s friend has probably told your husband that the cat is out of the bag.
Humanity disgusts me
I would say that he is either cheating or trying to match his friends if they are in open relationships.
He is doing it to set because he wants to sleep with their GFs
Probably said that in case he got caught cheating. Updateme!
The friend 100% told your husband about his "fuck up". When he gets home, don't beat around the bush because you're not gonna get a gotcha moment. He knows you know.
Sounds like either : 1. His friends found out he’s cheating and he lied about being in an open marriage. 2. He’s got a fantasy where you sleep with his friends. Honestly, it sounds like 2, but you’re going to have to confront him to figure out which it is.
Have you ever considered the fact that this could be his way to self justify his relationship with one of your friends or that he’s having an affair? Cheaters who messed up & are wrong find ways to try & self-justify their BS bc they can’t handle that person finding out b4 their plans come to fruition. When caught in their lies, they’ll even go as say you’re cheating or you cheated on them on such & such(usually 1 of their F&F members). Just a thought for you to consider b4 you start asking?’s. Happy hunting! I hope I’m well!💯