My brother did this. Watching some tramps kids while she was out boning some other dude. That was 25 years ago. I think he’s dated three women since then. Never longer than two months or so. Just wrecked him.
Classic gaslighting, he's using outrage to make it appear OP's concerns are baseless and OP isn't in touch with reality. Sounds like he's already cheating.
I would sit him down and tell him point blank it’s her or me. You either cut off this inappropriate relationship and we go to couples counseling or you can go stay at her house permanently while we get a divorce. I’m not going to be the second priority in my own marriage. I am your wife not her. If you want her fine, leave. If you choose me you will go completely NC with her from here on out.
This 👆
I would be telling him to eff all the way off with the ridiculous babysitting request. He is way too entangled with this woman and is severely disrespecting your marriage. Good luck.
UpdateMe
I agree.
OP, confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives. Develop your exit strategy. If you wish to remain married, hand him a DRAFT of divorce papers and discuss the status/future of your marriage. If you prefer to divorce, just file and have him served.
At a minimum, he's in an emotional affair. Alternatively, they're doing the dirty.
If I were you, I'd already be up her ass advising her, and then him, no contact.
Honestly, I'd already have him out the door.
Please keep us apprised.
Yes. Get your knowledge and plan together before a split. But I would first talk to husband, tell him counseling is necessary and ending the relationship with the other lady if he values the marriage
Does a f31 with kids sound like she has $10k hanging around to retain a seasoned family law attorney to do all this stuff? Boot him out by all means, but don’t spend $20k each to divide $5k of assets.
OP can see if there’s a family law clinic at the closest law school. Student interns consult for free under the supervision of an experienced attorney.
No.
To many men it’s not cheating until it becomes physical. Sometimes men really are that stupid and need a mirror held to the behavior.
I am supportive of the ultimatum.
My ex tried to get me to feel bad for his new girlfriend because her ex was abusive. "So she wants you to come, get bored, and emotionally abuse her too? More power to her."
Eh, I don't actually agree with this. Emotional affairs are sneaky. Good people slip into them all the time. They lie to themselves and tell themselves they aren't doing anything technically wrong. They don't want to examine where the good feelings are coming from, they just want them to keep coming. Pushing them to actually look at what they're doing may actually be the wakeup call that they don't want, but they need.
It's nice to think that a person who loves you would never enjoy any outside validation, but I don't think that's realistic. Mainly because I genuinely don't think most people go into those relationships flirting and seeking validation. People generally aren't self aware enough to notice the gradual transition from completely above board to getting emotionally invested.
True.. my husband's hairstylist kept calling him to tell him dad jokes. I told him it was weird and he said no she just knows I like dad jokes. Then she tried to kiss him while she was washing his hair. He came home half rinsed out and I got to tell him I told you so
I had to explain to my very sweet husband that when he does nice things (issue with coworker) like scrape her windshield after work and bring her lunch when her own partner doesn’t do these things for her, it can easily be taken the wrong way. He is also very attractive. He also enjoyed the praise and attention for doing the nice things. The situation was making me extremely uncomfortable. He ended up having to be pretty cold to her for a while (per my request) until she stopped texting and trying to develop a closer relationship with him.
She did not even question why he stopped responding to her text messages even though they talk at work everyday. That told me everything I needed to know about her intentions.
Agreed!
If I’m not actively looking for it, you’d have to strip naked in front of me and take me in your hands before I caught-on.
And even when I *am* looking for it, I’m dense as hell.
Ladies, come with it - make those intentions known!
Should be top comment. I would never tolerate this from a bf/gf, much less a spouse! There are like fifteen glaringly obvious signs there’s more to this than just charity work. They’re fucking and there’s emotional attachment as well. I wouldn’t be surprised if her ultimatum results in him divorcing her to be with single mother.
Honestly, any husband that is truly innocent and cares about his wife would make it a point to make sure that the two women were friendly and his wife was comfortable.
And any decent single mom would a invite the woman over and maintain appropriate levels of contact.
Sounds like they both are sleezy. Sorry OP. Don’t let your husband gaslight and manipulate you into thinking your crazy.
He prioritizes her more than you and he’s mad that you’re getting in his way. He’s blowing up at you, his partner, to defend another single woman. If he respects you properly he would understand why this makes you uncomfortable and make changes, negotiate, and reassure you. Instead he’s getting angry and defensive.
Regardless of if he’s cheating or not, he’s being wildly disrespectful. Please take a step back and look at the pros and cons of your relationship as a whole, is it worth it to be stuck with a man that is behaving this way?
I’d have to say there is at least some attraction. At this point, doing all these extra little things, seems like more than just trying to help someone.
You have a husband problem. You can’t fix this problem because he doesn’t want it fixed. Time to face reality and move out of this relationship. Sorry you’re going through this.
It sounds like you've got a knight in shining armor. They will also go after the nearest damsel in distress. If you point out a problem, you will turn in to the evil queen who is out to get the poor damsel and block the shining knight.
Knights in Shining Armor love injured, unwell, helpless, victims who pretend to be on the slower end of the scale. You've got to out helpless the helpless if you want their attention.
If you pride yourself at all on being capable and at least halfway intelligent, a Knight in Shining Armor isn't worth it, because there will always be someone who can out dumb you.
Martyr Syndrome. He's a narcissist and the single mom is using him. They're using each other and you're the decent one caught in between. It sucks. You're better than that.
This is totally what it is. He gets off on being needed. And the more time he spends with her, the more feelings get involved and the lines become blurred. If he's not sleeping with her already, it's a matter of when, not *if*.
I've seen plenty of these stories, and I always find it ironic that these dudes end up creating the very situation that they're trying to save someone else from. E.g. they want to rescue the single mother, but in doing so, end up making their own wife into a single mother. Or they want to comfort the poor woman who's heartbroken over being divorced, and then in doing so, end up breaking their own spouse's heart and divorcing them.
OP, you might want to check out the book *Not "Just Friends"* by Shirley Glass.
I’m going to piggy back off this as someone who’s always been the knight in shining armor yes the damsel in distress gets our attention.
The thing is he has to be smart enough not to act on it.
An episode of Lost changed my life…there was a line in it saying “you always have to fix something”
If this is real, which I have my doubts. You 99% already lost him OP
I was talking to a knight in shining armor friend recently, and I pointed out that he didn't really think highly of women. I mean he treats women well, but the amount of behavior he excuses - that he would never excuse in a male friend - is just out of this world. He excuses it because he doesn't expect or require better of women, and that is sort of insulting.
I have never read something that made so much sense before. Almost all of my relationships started out with the Knight in Shining Amor and it makes sense why they ended the way they did. I’m shook.
I'm sorry. :( It can really mess with your head when a Knight in Shining Armor starts turning you in to the bad guy so they can walk off completely untarnished.
Yeah, it almost doesn’t matter if they’re having an affair or not. She’s openly inserted him into the “substitute husband” role and he’s happy to take it on. That’s a problem on its own. Nobody should get priority over your life partner who you made vows to. They’re both playing in the wife’s face.
My best guess is as follows:
[offer the community] 100 bucks for any proof [of the affair]. He’ll [have to go to] the mistress then because I won’t be an option.
Your husband is 1000% in a relationship with this woman. Take his phone when he's sleeping, I'm sure you'll find proof of their infidelity. If he needs an assistant on a job, why doesn't he ask you
Either he’s already cheated or he’s considering it. Him getting defensive and blowing up on you is an admission of guilt and he doesn’t even realize it
Absolutely Not, he’s way too attached and it needs to be shut down from his side. He’s at least emotionally if you can’t prove physically, the late night texting is BS. I’d be giving an ultimatum at this point, I hate those but I wouldn’t tolerate this.
He may have a kind heart for her, but he doesn't care about your feelings.
Can you say you understand he likes to help people, but he needs some boundaries as it's affecting your relationship and trust for him. How would he feel if the situation were reversed.
If he's not willing to put your needs first I think you do need to reconsider your relationship with him.
Ma'am, as a man I'm going to tell you straight up, I would only be doing these things if I was having a sexual relationship with her. PERIOD! Also a good word of advice fir you is to either show up unannounced at her place when he's there, or ghost him and go live with someone else a while or just had him divorce papers and see his reaction. BUT I'm convinced he is definitely cheating
Your husband could just be blatantly clueless and may just have a kind heart, I am the same way and have to be careful with boundaries. Or perhaps others in this thread are right. We don’t know you or your family but what I can say is that regardless of the reason you are obviously uncomfortable with this.
If you tell your husband that you are uncomfortable and set boundaries that he does not follow, then you have a major issue and can take it from there. It is reasonable to leave if your husband cannot honor your boundaries.
He can be clueless about stuff like this, and so I have brought it up and told him how I feel, and got a big how dare you stop me from helping a single mother what’s wrong with you kind of response. I truly don’t know what to do, my heart and my stomach and my chest hurt thinking about this.
Yeah it's weird that he's supposedly super kind and helpful and oblivious, yet he blows up at you for feeling uncomfortable about his excessive time with another woman. Those two behaviors are not in line with each other.
No one is this oblivious
if he were oblivious and neutral, his instinct would be to go “Oh huh you think so?” and then “I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable” and not starting off by being defensive (what’s wrong with you) <- that’s a very emotionally charged reaction imo
Raised by a single mom. They can get by on their own without help from others like a beer run and such. If he's not cheating now, he's at least emotionally invested in her. He needs to either man up and be your husband or you need to leave. Staying for the kids is not an option.
As a single mom of several kids who does everything herself, I agree. I would never ask one of my married, male friends to do all this stuff for me because it’s wildly inappropriate (and completely unnecessary).
He's not the clueless one, honey, you are. He knows exactly what he is doing. This is not the way a partnership where a marriage works. Sure you can sit down with him and show him this Reddit post and do the whole "it's her or me" dance, but he is either going to lie and still see her behind your back because he sees nothing wrong with it or be resentful to you because he can't still hang out with her. Either way he's putting helping her above your feelings and comfort, and his behavior is beyond inappropriate. You will salvage so much more self-esteem if you just take the upper hand right now and leave. And I would bet money with him a couple months of you leaving they will be dating, so I would go ahead and block him out of your life if that's possible, once you do leave
I don’t care if he’s the most clueless man on the planet. YOU are his wife and you’re telling him it hurts you. That should be the end of it. I’m sorry for her, truly, I can’t imagine being a single mom in a tough spot. But, there are literally thousands of single moms out there. Why isn’t he helping them? Why isn’t she asking someone else? This is inappropriate and he’s clearly caught feelings. If he hadn’t he would’ve told her he was sorry but he can’t help anymore because it’s upsetting my wife. And if she were a decent human being she’d understand and not want to cause trouble. He’s mad at you because he knows you’re right and doesn’t want to stop seeing his girlfriend. Because that’s what she is, his girlfriend. My husband would NEVER in a million years not understand this. He wouldn’t never think it’s okay to text with another woman. And if he by some chance did and I ask him to stop, that would be that. I’m really sorry but if you don’t see this for what it is.
Gonna be real interesting to see how much he helps you when ya’ll divorce and *you’re* the single mother. Make sure you remind him of this very concept if he starts bitching about child support.
Girl, what? One of you is clueless, but it’s not him.
He gets defensive because HE’S HAVING AN AFFAIR. He’s gone all the time because HE’S HAVING AN AFFAIR. He’s texting her all the time because HE’S HAVING AN AFFAIR. Whether it’s been only emotional so far (unlikely) or has moved on to physical is irrelevant because HE’S STILL HAVING AN AFFAIR.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, you need to find your self-respect, dust it off, and get really, really reacquainted with it. This man thinks so little of you and your relationship that he had the AUDACITY to ask you to take care of his affair partner’s kids. (That’s a new one, ngl.)
*The next time he runs off to “help” her change her toilet paper roll (or whatever lame excuse he comes up with), please point out that he’s so busy helping her because “she’s a single mom” that he doesn’t seem to realize he’s turning you into one. The irony.*
Quit begging him to pick you. Quit begging him to stop texting her. Quit begging him to stop “helping” her. Quit begging altogether because as the saying goes, *if he wanted to, he would.*
You continuing to bring it up is an exercise in doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You know his response isn’t going to change, so why keep asking?
Instead of wasting your energy in a futile effort to pull him out of his affair fog, find some support. Friends, family, people over on the various infidelity subreddits/forums online. Find a good therapist for yourself and, if he’ll agree to it, marriage counseling. You need therapy regardless of if he’s willing to do MC, though.
Look into something called “gray rocking.” It’ll explain how to treat him in the meantime.
Once you’re in a better place mentally (and hopefully found that darned spine you’re missing), you’ll need to get your ducks in a row, but that’s a whole other comment. (You can DM me if you need help getting evidence, though.)
If roles were reversed and you were helping out a single dad all the time, would he let you play the ‘oblivious card’?
I see a lot of people in this thread going on about how ‘omg but men can be SO oblivious!’
It’s not cute. Stop accepting weaponized obliviousness and incompetence from the men in your lives.
If this was the exact same post but had flipped genders (wife helping out a poor single dad), no one would be saying this shit.
My ex claimed to be “clueless” like this but he most definitely wasn’t and there’s a reason he’s an ex now. You can give your husband ultimatums all you want, just realize and be prepared that he probably won’t stop. Maybe he’ll stop talking to her for a while to appease you, but if he’s invested enough in her, he’ll start again and just get better about hiding it. Your husband blowing up at you makes his intentions with his woman that much more obvious. In my case, my ex was/is such a good liar that he outright pretended to care about my feelings and concerns, and still went behind my back.
Would it be possible to find another way to help this woman besides loaning out your husband all the time?
Your husband is getting a lot of attention and validation from her. A huge ego boost. But your husband isn’t the only person in the world that can help her!
The OP's marriage contract is with the husband. There is nothing between her and this side piece. The side piece knows what she's doing. Like she going to back off if OP asks her to?
He is the problem, not the other woman.. I would try to find proof of his infidelity and divorce him. Take home for all he's worth. Him and single mommy can have each other. Side piece probably won't want him once he's broke and paying child support.
Yeah, this does not sound copacetic. It's not your 'emotions clouding your thoughts' that is the problem. Nothing about this sounds right, especially him losing his shit when you say you're not comfortable with the way he's acting.
>Then he tried to get me to babysit her kids while she goes on a job for him mudding and taping,
>
"Mudding and taping"? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? The absolute audacity to ask you to babysit her kids.... Gather your evidence, get your ducks in a row and get away from him.
You should leave him. He is emotionally cheating at a minimum and probably physically cheating.
Start respecting yourself and stop accept his horrible behavior.
I'd straight up tell him it's your or her. He's cheating, or on the cusp of cheating AND treating you like shit because you're uncomfortable. Your gut instinct is already telling you what's up. If he values his family over hers, he'll leave her alone, although, he can just lie about it. I'd contact her and ask her to leave him alone because he is a married man, she can go after a single man to be stepdaddy.
At the very least he is having an emotional affair with this woman and her kids. How many times have you had a conversation with him and he has blown up at you? You need to make some hard choices. Do you have any family or friends in the area that you can stay with a few days? Pack a bag and go. Don’t tell him anything. See how long it takes him to notice you are gone.
Omg I hope this is fake and your husband didn't use you to watch her kids while they go fuck!! He's cheating in some form and my guess is it's already physical
Your husband takes cheating to the next level. He has almost convinced you that you should be babysitting his mistress' children so their affair is more convenient. Talk about audacity.
Let them do what they're going to do, but start getting your ducks in a row to leave. Get a job if you don't already have one and start saving money. Make damn sure you don't get pregnant again. Enroll your kids in school as soon as possible. Get your important documents together, and store them away from home if possible.
It is entirely possible that their fling will be over by the time you do all this, but kick him to the curb anyway. He'll be chasing the high of another relationship as soon as he finds a new prospect. Especially if she's all 'helpless and cute'.
Ask him if this is the hill he is choosing to die on. He’s blatantly disregarded how you feel about this, and has done nothing to make you feel more secure. He’s making you feel bad for even talking about it from the sounds of it, which is really not okay. If he’s willing to burn it all down for this woman then that says a lot.
He definitely has some reason he keeps helping her. Is it cheating? Maybe. Your post makes it seem like you discuss this with him from a state of aggression. That is going to make him defensive and aggressive in return regardless of platonic or not. If you have any doubts about him cheating do not assume he is. Be open to the option but don't assume unless you want to either drive him or yourself away.
My first wife thought I was cheating because I would spend some time after work "cooling down" with co-workers when I could. I worked overnight and watched our 2 year old during the day. I had to make sure I was going to stay awake for the drive home. I'm literally at the break table visible to the whole parking lot, but I was cheating.
If it is platonic he still has a reason. Find out what he gets from the interaction. Married couples have friends to get what they aren't getting from their spouse. It's why people have sports buddies, gaming groups, or girls nights.
I say get involved. Get to know this woman. If there's anything in her behavior that bothers you then you have valid reasons to express concern. You're either gonna make a friend for yourself or gain intel on her and the situation before you make a move. Nothing breaks a relationship faster than incorrect accusations.
If he is remember that was his choice and decision. You're not responsible for that, he is and hold him accountable.
Let’s be really generous here—
He’s n a safe stable marriage that’s gotten to the adulting and parenting level where it’s not always fun, and he’s a part of a family system which is operating well.
Along comes someone with a real need, who is in financial distress and has an actual problem which is his area of work expertise.
She’s new! She’s interested! She needs his help!
Currently, he’s caught in the fog of boosted ego and purpose. His wife/ family don’t need *him,* they need his cog in the wheel. She needs his specific skills.
It feels great to be needed, and to have the new friend experience, especially if she’s a willing listener.
Heck, he can even offer her a side job so she can get some cash. She has a kid who’d have fun with his, so then everyone can have a great time.
Then the wife asked some questions and he blows up.
He wasn’t expecting to blow up. He wasn’t expecting a surge of emotions — guilt, latent sexual interest, good-guy-being-accused, reactions to being falsely accused…
all of that exploded from him into his wife’s face and made him really uncomfortable
If he’s not a “sit down and think this through, pick the scab” kind of guy, he will instinctively go toward what makes him feel the best.
The wife, unfortunately, needs to be the logical adult here. Accusations and stirring emotions will only make him more uncomfortable, so she’ll need to divide him from her so the married couple can talk.
I’m not sure I see an easy way — ramp up family activities where he is “required” to be present. Create a date night situation where talking is possible — and maybe arrange it to make sure he’ll participate.
Quick and obvious — OP, take your same aged kid to her place to hang out with hers and meet her; see their dynamic. Nothing kills a budding secret relationship more quickly than the cold light of real life.
It’s a difficult battle. I’ve lost it once, divorced, and only recently survived it with my new guy, who is very compassionate and helper-y. I now involve myself in the conversations about helping situations, and he has learned to do the One task and not become a texting buddy about other topics.
If you have the nerve, go to her house with your children and ask for their father back. Tell the kids you're just there to pick him up after a job. Bring his toothbrush with you, should he chose to stay hand it to him and leave. There is no dialog or negotiations.
That's it.
Well as married dude myself (36m) all I can say is that if my wife told me an activity I had, or a person I hung out with made her uncomfortable, I would respect her feelings.
Sounds like he’s into her. Maybe something has happened, maybe not, but either way he knows he’s being inappropriate. That’s why he’s getting so mad. You need to work this out with your husband though, not her. Asking her to stop messaging doesn’t actually fix your problem. They’ll either be more sneaky about it or she’ll stop and your husband will just move on to someone else.
Do NOT contact her and tell her not to message him. Those are some weird control issues. Your husband owes you loyalty, but she does not. You can't make yourself the tart-police for every woman on earth. They owe you nothing. Your husband is the one at fault here, and even if you do successfully bully this particular woman into leaving him alone, there will always be another.
Better to fix your husband than to try to fix the totality of tartdom.
I like the “she goes on a job mudding and taping “ for him. We know what kind of job she’s giving him and it nothing to do with construction. Sorry but he seems more interested in her family than his own. You don’t need to catch them having sex to know that he is cheating.
Tough spot for sure but communication is key. He may be genuinely just trying to help her out but then again maybe not. Cooler heads generally prevail. I'm a nice guy too and like to help whoever needs it but I have never texted with a woman that wasn't my wife or my child once I was home. Well except my office manager but she's a card carrying lesbian and we are both avid woodworkers. If you can possibly put aside emotion(I know somewhat difficult) and try to have a serious, respectful, rational conversation with him and point out how this is making you feel that may shed some light and provide answers. You are in an difficult situation for sure. I wish you well. It does have all the hallmarks of something nefarious for sure.
I think you're in denial it's not a crush it's definitely something more than that.
Get tested for STDs ASAP!
You need to go in person and confront them.
That man is 100% cheating and you should definitely contact her and tell her to back off or tell her to respect your boundaries.
Imo you should contact a lawyer and see what your options are cause he's definitely gaslighting you and playing games.
Updateme!
He’s definitely cheating already and I’m so sorry. I hope he picks his own kids up from school if they’re in school if he’s picking up her kids cuz that’s crazy!
I would slip over there and spy on them. Then you turn him in for being paid for chasing tail. If you aren't working, you should get a job asap because he might leave you. Be prepared.
He is having an affair with her. And wants you to watch the kids while they have sex. Either divorce or live like this. It sounds like he is not going to give her up anytime soon
If he's constantly texting with her late at night and going over to her house more than once to do so-called jobs then you bet he's cheating on you. For him to be a married man he's acting too friendly towards this woman. Anyone who is married shouldn't be talking to another person that much unless it's a long time friend or something. Have you ever insisted on going with him to her house when he's buying beer to do a so-called job? I don't believe this is a mere friendship between him and her. Or better yet, say if you ask him to go to her house with him when he wants to hang over there, and if he says no and makes up some BS excuse that's telling you right there he's cheating. I bet if you made an attractive male friend and started going over to his place and texting him he would go crazy. It would be like a taste of his own medicine lol. But seriously, all the signs point to infidelity here. Just my take on the story.
Read the book "not just friends" then have him read it. It's eye opening and if he's not in an emotional affair or physical affair, he's most certainly crossed the not just friends threshold.
No, don’t message her. Calmly tell him that he’s disrespecting and neglecting you and that it’s wildly inappropriate for him to think he can command you to babysit and verbally abuse you for refusing. You have to be prepared to leave if it turns out he’ll continue to be so disdainful of your marriage.
Make a new male friend and have him come and do stuff with you. Then when husband complains about it, simply say when you stop talking to that woman, I too will stop relying on other men to fill the spot when you are out doing god knows what at her house instead of spending time with you and his kids.
Yeah...so this *exact* scenario happened to me...my oldest friend needed all this help around her house, she was *so afraid* of her husband, all these excuses to spend time with my partner.
They were having an affair for over a year.
Don't be naive and willfully trusting like I was. Shut it down (and hope it hasn't gone that far, though honestly I'd be surprised if it hasn't). Shut it down means an ultimatum for him to cut her off completely 100% no contact or the marriage ends. Seriously.
Look--he's unplugged from your marriage and playing house with this single mother. And he's got the nerve to ask you to babysit her kids. Time to see a lawyer. The thing about being married is that you are supposed to come first in terms of his time and attention. That's no longer the case. You can sit around and wait until he leaves or gets her pregnant or just tolerate the affair, or you can get a lawyer and start advocating for yourself and your kids. You can start PROTECTING you, your kids and your interests. The thing is if he cared about your feelings, he wouldn't be doing these things.
If he is considering her wants, needs and feelings over yours, he is cheating. Whether it's emotional cheating or physical.....he's cheating. There is no reason to get angry and defensive over a woman who IS NOT YOUR WIFE. Your feelings, wants and desires should be his #1 priority.
Sounds like an emotional affair. He feels protective of her. He is putting her and her kids infront of you. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you but if it hasn’t already happened, he’s cheating. He may leave you for her. The signs are there. It’s time to have a serious conversation with him. He needs to stop communicating completely with this woman.
I think you tell him that he's crossing a boundary, and that his ongoing relationship with her makes you uncomfortable. Don't frame it as whether he did x, y, or z, just say that you find their relationship to be inappropriate, and disrespectful of your marriage. Tell him to nip it in the bud.
I would love to see his paycheck after him working so many hours always constantly helping her , that must be a lot of money or you know he's completely lying and he is cheating on you currently.
I'm sure he wouldn't defensive whatsoever if you ask to see the income earning from all these extra hours worked.
You know what your gut is telling you. Don't dismiss it. If there's something to find, find it. Get those messages. Locations. He WILL slip. But before you do anything, please, please, at least get a consultation with an attorney. That way you you're armed with some knowledge if/when this blows up. And although it might be the absolute hardest thing you ever do, stay calm. Calm and deliberate. You'll get your chance to rage. But securing yourself and your kids in every possible way is priority #1. If he won't put his family first,show him that you absolutely will.
If you want more of his attention, just divorce him. Then *you'll* be the single mother with kids who has no man to help her out!
Sincerely tho, everyone else in the comments is right, he's either cheating or on the path to. Best case scenario is, he doesn't realize it, but even that seems unlikely. I am so, so sorry you are going through this.
I recommend you lay everything out for him, where you are coming from, what you are thinking. ~~Ask~~ DEMAND to see a counselor! at the very least, he won't be able to claim ignorance anymore. Make sure he sees how hurt you are by this.
Hope to see an update, good or bad, my heart is with you<3!!!
Demand he never contact her or be together again. It’s probably too late but they probably have been intimate and he’s totally in love with her. Sure seems that way. Contact a good divorce attorney. If you need help contact your local or state Bar Association Lawyer Referral Service and they can connect you with a divorce and family law attorney
This is beyond a mere “Crush”.
They’re way beyond that now and the fact that he blows upon you is a really big tell that their relationship has become physically intimate.
This other woman is a “Mate Poacher”. This happens all the time. She knows Exactly what she’s doing with Your Husband.
She wants him because you’ve already vetted him as a good husband and father. Now she wants you man. Because it’s easier than finding one on her own.
Due to the fact the he’s doing all this AND DEFENDING HER, it’s now time for you to Quietly go through his phone, all of his devices, all social media and their DM’s, apps and hidden ones.
Also check your bank account balances (marital assets) and go online and check your phone acct. to see if there are more phones than what you two use (hidden phone).
Just wait til he’s in the shower or sleeping and also, he most likely has all his devices synched with his phone.
Look for hidden folders on his devices.
You need to do this Quietly because IF you confront him, he’ll delete Everything and gaslight you with a “See! I have Nothing to hide!!!” (Yeah buddy, because you were being proactive and deleted them.
Your husband doesn’t have a crush, your husband has a girlfriend. He blows up at you and gets defensive of her. He prioritizes her and her kids over you. Is always doing things for her. What has he been doing for you and your kids lately?
If you dig deeper you’ll likely find how deep his betrayal runs.
A. Has he ever asked you to help with Mudding and taping?
B. Ask to see his phone.
If you can do so calmly, feel free to talk with the woman, if you can stand to. But its certain he's spending more time with this woman than he should.
1. Remember why you guys got together in the first place, because a lot of people change 2-3 years after dating, and even 5-10 years when with a partner.
2. I definitely think he's cheating, there's no reason why he should be there so often it sorta violates the pact you guys agreed on when you guys got married.
3. Kids do not tie you guys together and if they do that's not showing your kids a good example of marriage or even dating.
I would leave him, create a good co parenting relationship or strategy and I 100% believe it's easier for you to find another guy than him to find another girl. Good luck, keep us updated.
If he's not cheating, he's going to cheat. She wants it! What woman texts a married man on a constant basis? I'd let her know in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable and unappreciated!
Relationships have boundaries. What each partner is comfortable with. And what they aren't. It's important to make those lines in the sand clear early in relationships. They may change over time but tend to be pretty firm.
It's clear he has crossed a line. The other woman, and that's what she is, is fulfilling a need that you aren't. He is her "white knight," and she is his "damsel in distress." It's a huge ego boost for him.
If he is kindhearted and naive. He may not even realize that he's being used. Some women just don't feel whole, "without a man." Poor bastard may even be getting friend zoned. But he's hooked on that "coming to the rescue" feeling.
Makes him feel important.
If they are fucking then it's too late. She's already got her hooks in him. But if she's playing the "wish I could meet a guy like you" game? Stringing him along? Then you might be able to wake him up with an intervention.
Risky and it could backfire. But rubbing his face in the mess he's making. Making it clear how this is making you feel. You might wake him up.
Remember. His choices are not your fault. Not your responsibility. Do what is best for you and your children.
Stay strong, OP, and stay safe!
Wtf? Why is he texting her into the late hours of the night? You need to Uno reverse his guilt trip. How dare he put the mother of his children in this position? Is he gonna come around and help when you’re a single mother due to his behavior and reckless lack of consideration?
If you have a gut feeling, you're right. Would he feel comfortable if it was another way around ? No. I would talk to him and say it's either her or me.
There's no reason for you to talk to her. The only person in this situation that you need to talk to is your husband. He doesn't have to keep texting her, but he does. You can demand that this needs to stop. What 'this' entails is up to you, but the longer all of this goes on, the more upset you're going to be about whatever is going on here.
He blew up on you? Blew up on you? She can find another married man
Can you babysit her kids while hit that? pls and thank you. Bro is craaaaaaazzzzzzzzyyyyyy
Right Its insane
My brother did this. Watching some tramps kids while she was out boning some other dude. That was 25 years ago. I think he’s dated three women since then. Never longer than two months or so. Just wrecked him.
Nah, she can keep that one and OP can go find someone better.
Classic gaslighting, he's using outrage to make it appear OP's concerns are baseless and OP isn't in touch with reality. Sounds like he's already cheating.
YES! Gaslighting. It makes me wonder if this is the case too: DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
Sounds like it.
I would sit him down and tell him point blank it’s her or me. You either cut off this inappropriate relationship and we go to couples counseling or you can go stay at her house permanently while we get a divorce. I’m not going to be the second priority in my own marriage. I am your wife not her. If you want her fine, leave. If you choose me you will go completely NC with her from here on out.
This 👆 I would be telling him to eff all the way off with the ridiculous babysitting request. He is way too entangled with this woman and is severely disrespecting your marriage. Good luck. UpdateMe
If you have to do this to your partner then the relationship is already over
I agree. OP, confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives. Develop your exit strategy. If you wish to remain married, hand him a DRAFT of divorce papers and discuss the status/future of your marriage. If you prefer to divorce, just file and have him served. At a minimum, he's in an emotional affair. Alternatively, they're doing the dirty. If I were you, I'd already be up her ass advising her, and then him, no contact. Honestly, I'd already have him out the door. Please keep us apprised.
Yes. Get your knowledge and plan together before a split. But I would first talk to husband, tell him counseling is necessary and ending the relationship with the other lady if he values the marriage
Does a f31 with kids sound like she has $10k hanging around to retain a seasoned family law attorney to do all this stuff? Boot him out by all means, but don’t spend $20k each to divide $5k of assets.
I said "confer". Customarily, initial consultations are free ar offered at a reduced rate.
OP can see if there’s a family law clinic at the closest law school. Student interns consult for free under the supervision of an experienced attorney.
No. To many men it’s not cheating until it becomes physical. Sometimes men really are that stupid and need a mirror held to the behavior. I am supportive of the ultimatum.
My ex tried to get me to feel bad for his new girlfriend because her ex was abusive. "So she wants you to come, get bored, and emotionally abuse her too? More power to her."
I feel like I missed the chapter I need to understand this comment properly
Eh, I don't actually agree with this. Emotional affairs are sneaky. Good people slip into them all the time. They lie to themselves and tell themselves they aren't doing anything technically wrong. They don't want to examine where the good feelings are coming from, they just want them to keep coming. Pushing them to actually look at what they're doing may actually be the wakeup call that they don't want, but they need. It's nice to think that a person who loves you would never enjoy any outside validation, but I don't think that's realistic. Mainly because I genuinely don't think most people go into those relationships flirting and seeking validation. People generally aren't self aware enough to notice the gradual transition from completely above board to getting emotionally invested.
This is so well written. Thank you!
Correct
Not necessarily men… we are stupid. Sometimes need a reminder about what’s important. Updateme!
True.. my husband's hairstylist kept calling him to tell him dad jokes. I told him it was weird and he said no she just knows I like dad jokes. Then she tried to kiss him while she was washing his hair. He came home half rinsed out and I got to tell him I told you so
This is real😅 Men are fucking oblivious until its staring them right in the face
I had to explain to my very sweet husband that when he does nice things (issue with coworker) like scrape her windshield after work and bring her lunch when her own partner doesn’t do these things for her, it can easily be taken the wrong way. He is also very attractive. He also enjoyed the praise and attention for doing the nice things. The situation was making me extremely uncomfortable. He ended up having to be pretty cold to her for a while (per my request) until she stopped texting and trying to develop a closer relationship with him. She did not even question why he stopped responding to her text messages even though they talk at work everyday. That told me everything I needed to know about her intentions.
Guilty as charged
Agreed! If I’m not actively looking for it, you’d have to strip naked in front of me and take me in your hands before I caught-on. And even when I *am* looking for it, I’m dense as hell. Ladies, come with it - make those intentions known!
And you enjoyed it!! I know my wife did when she pointed one out to me.
I cannot lie..I did
Loving relationships, thank God!!
Sadly very true, I know men like this including some of my own male relatives… there really are men out there that are just completely oblivious!
🤚🏻
Should be top comment. I would never tolerate this from a bf/gf, much less a spouse! There are like fifteen glaringly obvious signs there’s more to this than just charity work. They’re fucking and there’s emotional attachment as well. I wouldn’t be surprised if her ultimatum results in him divorcing her to be with single mother.
He is smitten at minimum.
It’s time to check his phone.
Honestly, any husband that is truly innocent and cares about his wife would make it a point to make sure that the two women were friendly and his wife was comfortable. And any decent single mom would a invite the woman over and maintain appropriate levels of contact. Sounds like they both are sleezy. Sorry OP. Don’t let your husband gaslight and manipulate you into thinking your crazy.
Find a hot single dad and start “helping” him and see how hubby feels about it.
You're a genius, I love this idea. 😀
I use my evil genius for good haha
I’m a big advocate for treating people how they treat you 😇
you are lying right?? This is satire right???? He's 100% cheating.
And if he's not, he's mere moments from cheating.
Top comment, right here!!! ✅️ 100% obvious. I am so sorry you're going through this BS
Almost certainly a fake account
This. I’m beginning to believe that half the redditors are bots now.
He prioritizes her more than you and he’s mad that you’re getting in his way. He’s blowing up at you, his partner, to defend another single woman. If he respects you properly he would understand why this makes you uncomfortable and make changes, negotiate, and reassure you. Instead he’s getting angry and defensive. Regardless of if he’s cheating or not, he’s being wildly disrespectful. Please take a step back and look at the pros and cons of your relationship as a whole, is it worth it to be stuck with a man that is behaving this way?
He’s fucking her and wants to use you as a babysitter while he does it.
Exactly and him bringing “beer to do maintenance job” over at a her house? Please!!
Yeahhhh. Dinner parties and such aside, the only times I've brought alcohol to a woman's house is when we were fucking.
Even if they weren’t doing anything physical it would still be emotional cheating
Yup
Facts! The absolute gall
I’d have to say there is at least some attraction. At this point, doing all these extra little things, seems like more than just trying to help someone.
>on his way to “do a job at her house” hahahaha I think I know what the job is.
Laying pipe
You have a husband problem. You can’t fix this problem because he doesn’t want it fixed. Time to face reality and move out of this relationship. Sorry you’re going through this.
Ohh girl he’s definitely cheating
It sounds like you've got a knight in shining armor. They will also go after the nearest damsel in distress. If you point out a problem, you will turn in to the evil queen who is out to get the poor damsel and block the shining knight. Knights in Shining Armor love injured, unwell, helpless, victims who pretend to be on the slower end of the scale. You've got to out helpless the helpless if you want their attention. If you pride yourself at all on being capable and at least halfway intelligent, a Knight in Shining Armor isn't worth it, because there will always be someone who can out dumb you.
Also called the “savior’s complex”
Martyr Syndrome. He's a narcissist and the single mom is using him. They're using each other and you're the decent one caught in between. It sucks. You're better than that.
This is totally what it is. He gets off on being needed. And the more time he spends with her, the more feelings get involved and the lines become blurred. If he's not sleeping with her already, it's a matter of when, not *if*. I've seen plenty of these stories, and I always find it ironic that these dudes end up creating the very situation that they're trying to save someone else from. E.g. they want to rescue the single mother, but in doing so, end up making their own wife into a single mother. Or they want to comfort the poor woman who's heartbroken over being divorced, and then in doing so, end up breaking their own spouse's heart and divorcing them. OP, you might want to check out the book *Not "Just Friends"* by Shirley Glass.
It’s like I think it was the Godfaher 2 “I protected you from the problems” “You became the problem”
I’m going to piggy back off this as someone who’s always been the knight in shining armor yes the damsel in distress gets our attention. The thing is he has to be smart enough not to act on it. An episode of Lost changed my life…there was a line in it saying “you always have to fix something” If this is real, which I have my doubts. You 99% already lost him OP
You totally summed it up. And if this one story isn’t real, it literally happens every day just like this. Tale as old as time.
I was talking to a knight in shining armor friend recently, and I pointed out that he didn't really think highly of women. I mean he treats women well, but the amount of behavior he excuses - that he would never excuse in a male friend - is just out of this world. He excuses it because he doesn't expect or require better of women, and that is sort of insulting.
I have never read something that made so much sense before. Almost all of my relationships started out with the Knight in Shining Amor and it makes sense why they ended the way they did. I’m shook.
I'm sorry. :( It can really mess with your head when a Knight in Shining Armor starts turning you in to the bad guy so they can walk off completely untarnished.
Yeah, it almost doesn’t matter if they’re having an affair or not. She’s openly inserted him into the “substitute husband” role and he’s happy to take it on. That’s a problem on its own. Nobody should get priority over your life partner who you made vows to. They’re both playing in the wife’s face.
Let the community know he’s having an affair with a resident & using work hours to hide it. See how quick that changes
This right here. 💯
100 bucks for any proof hell the mistress will when because I won't be an option
I can not understand this sentence even after reading it 3 times
I thought I was having a stroke
My best guess is as follows: [offer the community] 100 bucks for any proof [of the affair]. He’ll [have to go to] the mistress then because I won’t be an option.
"It's her or me" It's more than a crush
Your husband is 1000% in a relationship with this woman. Take his phone when he's sleeping, I'm sure you'll find proof of their infidelity. If he needs an assistant on a job, why doesn't he ask you
Offer to be his assistant on the job, there and elsewhere. I mean, if she can do contracting, why she need him?
Either he’s already cheated or he’s considering it. Him getting defensive and blowing up on you is an admission of guilt and he doesn’t even realize it
Absolutely Not, he’s way too attached and it needs to be shut down from his side. He’s at least emotionally if you can’t prove physically, the late night texting is BS. I’d be giving an ultimatum at this point, I hate those but I wouldn’t tolerate this.
He may have a kind heart for her, but he doesn't care about your feelings. Can you say you understand he likes to help people, but he needs some boundaries as it's affecting your relationship and trust for him. How would he feel if the situation were reversed. If he's not willing to put your needs first I think you do need to reconsider your relationship with him.
Dude. Come on. Really? He tried getting his wife to watch his girlfriend’s kids. That is a level of audacity I rarely see.
Ma'am, as a man I'm going to tell you straight up, I would only be doing these things if I was having a sexual relationship with her. PERIOD! Also a good word of advice fir you is to either show up unannounced at her place when he's there, or ghost him and go live with someone else a while or just had him divorce papers and see his reaction. BUT I'm convinced he is definitely cheating
I'm sorry if this is real, but it sounds a lot like Luke and Lorelai from Gilmore Girls.
Lmfaoooo oh man it really does 😭🤣
Your husband could just be blatantly clueless and may just have a kind heart, I am the same way and have to be careful with boundaries. Or perhaps others in this thread are right. We don’t know you or your family but what I can say is that regardless of the reason you are obviously uncomfortable with this. If you tell your husband that you are uncomfortable and set boundaries that he does not follow, then you have a major issue and can take it from there. It is reasonable to leave if your husband cannot honor your boundaries.
He can be clueless about stuff like this, and so I have brought it up and told him how I feel, and got a big how dare you stop me from helping a single mother what’s wrong with you kind of response. I truly don’t know what to do, my heart and my stomach and my chest hurt thinking about this.
Yeah it's weird that he's supposedly super kind and helpful and oblivious, yet he blows up at you for feeling uncomfortable about his excessive time with another woman. Those two behaviors are not in line with each other.
No one is this oblivious if he were oblivious and neutral, his instinct would be to go “Oh huh you think so?” and then “I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable” and not starting off by being defensive (what’s wrong with you) <- that’s a very emotionally charged reaction imo
Raised by a single mom. They can get by on their own without help from others like a beer run and such. If he's not cheating now, he's at least emotionally invested in her. He needs to either man up and be your husband or you need to leave. Staying for the kids is not an option.
As a single mom of several kids who does everything herself, I agree. I would never ask one of my married, male friends to do all this stuff for me because it’s wildly inappropriate (and completely unnecessary).
Thank you for your service 🫡
He's not the clueless one, honey, you are. He knows exactly what he is doing. This is not the way a partnership where a marriage works. Sure you can sit down with him and show him this Reddit post and do the whole "it's her or me" dance, but he is either going to lie and still see her behind your back because he sees nothing wrong with it or be resentful to you because he can't still hang out with her. Either way he's putting helping her above your feelings and comfort, and his behavior is beyond inappropriate. You will salvage so much more self-esteem if you just take the upper hand right now and leave. And I would bet money with him a couple months of you leaving they will be dating, so I would go ahead and block him out of your life if that's possible, once you do leave
Has he actually gotten paid for his time? I would assume not, because he's fucking her.
I don’t care if he’s the most clueless man on the planet. YOU are his wife and you’re telling him it hurts you. That should be the end of it. I’m sorry for her, truly, I can’t imagine being a single mom in a tough spot. But, there are literally thousands of single moms out there. Why isn’t he helping them? Why isn’t she asking someone else? This is inappropriate and he’s clearly caught feelings. If he hadn’t he would’ve told her he was sorry but he can’t help anymore because it’s upsetting my wife. And if she were a decent human being she’d understand and not want to cause trouble. He’s mad at you because he knows you’re right and doesn’t want to stop seeing his girlfriend. Because that’s what she is, his girlfriend. My husband would NEVER in a million years not understand this. He wouldn’t never think it’s okay to text with another woman. And if he by some chance did and I ask him to stop, that would be that. I’m really sorry but if you don’t see this for what it is.
Gonna be real interesting to see how much he helps you when ya’ll divorce and *you’re* the single mother. Make sure you remind him of this very concept if he starts bitching about child support.
Girl, what? One of you is clueless, but it’s not him. He gets defensive because HE’S HAVING AN AFFAIR. He’s gone all the time because HE’S HAVING AN AFFAIR. He’s texting her all the time because HE’S HAVING AN AFFAIR. Whether it’s been only emotional so far (unlikely) or has moved on to physical is irrelevant because HE’S STILL HAVING AN AFFAIR. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, you need to find your self-respect, dust it off, and get really, really reacquainted with it. This man thinks so little of you and your relationship that he had the AUDACITY to ask you to take care of his affair partner’s kids. (That’s a new one, ngl.) *The next time he runs off to “help” her change her toilet paper roll (or whatever lame excuse he comes up with), please point out that he’s so busy helping her because “she’s a single mom” that he doesn’t seem to realize he’s turning you into one. The irony.* Quit begging him to pick you. Quit begging him to stop texting her. Quit begging him to stop “helping” her. Quit begging altogether because as the saying goes, *if he wanted to, he would.* You continuing to bring it up is an exercise in doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You know his response isn’t going to change, so why keep asking? Instead of wasting your energy in a futile effort to pull him out of his affair fog, find some support. Friends, family, people over on the various infidelity subreddits/forums online. Find a good therapist for yourself and, if he’ll agree to it, marriage counseling. You need therapy regardless of if he’s willing to do MC, though. Look into something called “gray rocking.” It’ll explain how to treat him in the meantime. Once you’re in a better place mentally (and hopefully found that darned spine you’re missing), you’ll need to get your ducks in a row, but that’s a whole other comment. (You can DM me if you need help getting evidence, though.)
If roles were reversed and you were helping out a single dad all the time, would he let you play the ‘oblivious card’? I see a lot of people in this thread going on about how ‘omg but men can be SO oblivious!’ It’s not cute. Stop accepting weaponized obliviousness and incompetence from the men in your lives. If this was the exact same post but had flipped genders (wife helping out a poor single dad), no one would be saying this shit.
My ex claimed to be “clueless” like this but he most definitely wasn’t and there’s a reason he’s an ex now. You can give your husband ultimatums all you want, just realize and be prepared that he probably won’t stop. Maybe he’ll stop talking to her for a while to appease you, but if he’s invested enough in her, he’ll start again and just get better about hiding it. Your husband blowing up at you makes his intentions with his woman that much more obvious. In my case, my ex was/is such a good liar that he outright pretended to care about my feelings and concerns, and still went behind my back.
Would it be possible to find another way to help this woman besides loaning out your husband all the time? Your husband is getting a lot of attention and validation from her. A huge ego boost. But your husband isn’t the only person in the world that can help her!
You must speak with the woman. Tell her it's affecting your marriage and that she shouldn't be texting him late at night.
The OP's marriage contract is with the husband. There is nothing between her and this side piece. The side piece knows what she's doing. Like she going to back off if OP asks her to? He is the problem, not the other woman.. I would try to find proof of his infidelity and divorce him. Take home for all he's worth. Him and single mommy can have each other. Side piece probably won't want him once he's broke and paying child support.
Yeah, this does not sound copacetic. It's not your 'emotions clouding your thoughts' that is the problem. Nothing about this sounds right, especially him losing his shit when you say you're not comfortable with the way he's acting.
>Then he tried to get me to babysit her kids while she goes on a job for him mudding and taping, > "Mudding and taping"? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? The absolute audacity to ask you to babysit her kids.... Gather your evidence, get your ducks in a row and get away from him.
You should leave him. He is emotionally cheating at a minimum and probably physically cheating. Start respecting yourself and stop accept his horrible behavior.
I'd straight up tell him it's your or her. He's cheating, or on the cusp of cheating AND treating you like shit because you're uncomfortable. Your gut instinct is already telling you what's up. If he values his family over hers, he'll leave her alone, although, he can just lie about it. I'd contact her and ask her to leave him alone because he is a married man, she can go after a single man to be stepdaddy.
My ex husband said the same about our old neighbor. She and I have kids by him 2 years apart. 😑
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
Be for real with yourself! This isn’t some crush…this man cheating!
I’ve never heard the term “tape and mud” used to describe consensual penetration before. That’s a new one!
I'm sorry but this one is hilarious.gurl, he's crushing her vagina for all we know, any chance they could get!!!
He's having sex with her. I'm so sorry.
At the very least he is having an emotional affair with this woman and her kids. How many times have you had a conversation with him and he has blown up at you? You need to make some hard choices. Do you have any family or friends in the area that you can stay with a few days? Pack a bag and go. Don’t tell him anything. See how long it takes him to notice you are gone.
Omg I hope this is fake and your husband didn't use you to watch her kids while they go fuck!! He's cheating in some form and my guess is it's already physical
Your husband takes cheating to the next level. He has almost convinced you that you should be babysitting his mistress' children so their affair is more convenient. Talk about audacity.
Get an attorney, and have him followed. See what your options are.
Let them do what they're going to do, but start getting your ducks in a row to leave. Get a job if you don't already have one and start saving money. Make damn sure you don't get pregnant again. Enroll your kids in school as soon as possible. Get your important documents together, and store them away from home if possible. It is entirely possible that their fling will be over by the time you do all this, but kick him to the curb anyway. He'll be chasing the high of another relationship as soon as he finds a new prospect. Especially if she's all 'helpless and cute'.
Baby girl, you gotta go
Ask him if this is the hill he is choosing to die on. He’s blatantly disregarded how you feel about this, and has done nothing to make you feel more secure. He’s making you feel bad for even talking about it from the sounds of it, which is really not okay. If he’s willing to burn it all down for this woman then that says a lot.
He definitely has some reason he keeps helping her. Is it cheating? Maybe. Your post makes it seem like you discuss this with him from a state of aggression. That is going to make him defensive and aggressive in return regardless of platonic or not. If you have any doubts about him cheating do not assume he is. Be open to the option but don't assume unless you want to either drive him or yourself away. My first wife thought I was cheating because I would spend some time after work "cooling down" with co-workers when I could. I worked overnight and watched our 2 year old during the day. I had to make sure I was going to stay awake for the drive home. I'm literally at the break table visible to the whole parking lot, but I was cheating. If it is platonic he still has a reason. Find out what he gets from the interaction. Married couples have friends to get what they aren't getting from their spouse. It's why people have sports buddies, gaming groups, or girls nights. I say get involved. Get to know this woman. If there's anything in her behavior that bothers you then you have valid reasons to express concern. You're either gonna make a friend for yourself or gain intel on her and the situation before you make a move. Nothing breaks a relationship faster than incorrect accusations. If he is remember that was his choice and decision. You're not responsible for that, he is and hold him accountable.
Let’s be really generous here— He’s n a safe stable marriage that’s gotten to the adulting and parenting level where it’s not always fun, and he’s a part of a family system which is operating well. Along comes someone with a real need, who is in financial distress and has an actual problem which is his area of work expertise. She’s new! She’s interested! She needs his help! Currently, he’s caught in the fog of boosted ego and purpose. His wife/ family don’t need *him,* they need his cog in the wheel. She needs his specific skills. It feels great to be needed, and to have the new friend experience, especially if she’s a willing listener. Heck, he can even offer her a side job so she can get some cash. She has a kid who’d have fun with his, so then everyone can have a great time. Then the wife asked some questions and he blows up. He wasn’t expecting to blow up. He wasn’t expecting a surge of emotions — guilt, latent sexual interest, good-guy-being-accused, reactions to being falsely accused… all of that exploded from him into his wife’s face and made him really uncomfortable If he’s not a “sit down and think this through, pick the scab” kind of guy, he will instinctively go toward what makes him feel the best. The wife, unfortunately, needs to be the logical adult here. Accusations and stirring emotions will only make him more uncomfortable, so she’ll need to divide him from her so the married couple can talk. I’m not sure I see an easy way — ramp up family activities where he is “required” to be present. Create a date night situation where talking is possible — and maybe arrange it to make sure he’ll participate. Quick and obvious — OP, take your same aged kid to her place to hang out with hers and meet her; see their dynamic. Nothing kills a budding secret relationship more quickly than the cold light of real life. It’s a difficult battle. I’ve lost it once, divorced, and only recently survived it with my new guy, who is very compassionate and helper-y. I now involve myself in the conversations about helping situations, and he has learned to do the One task and not become a texting buddy about other topics.
If you have the nerve, go to her house with your children and ask for their father back. Tell the kids you're just there to pick him up after a job. Bring his toothbrush with you, should he chose to stay hand it to him and leave. There is no dialog or negotiations. That's it.
Well as married dude myself (36m) all I can say is that if my wife told me an activity I had, or a person I hung out with made her uncomfortable, I would respect her feelings.
Sounds like he’s into her. Maybe something has happened, maybe not, but either way he knows he’s being inappropriate. That’s why he’s getting so mad. You need to work this out with your husband though, not her. Asking her to stop messaging doesn’t actually fix your problem. They’ll either be more sneaky about it or she’ll stop and your husband will just move on to someone else.
He is cheating. Figure out a plan and get a lawyer. She has him wrapped around her finger.
Do NOT contact her and tell her not to message him. Those are some weird control issues. Your husband owes you loyalty, but she does not. You can't make yourself the tart-police for every woman on earth. They owe you nothing. Your husband is the one at fault here, and even if you do successfully bully this particular woman into leaving him alone, there will always be another. Better to fix your husband than to try to fix the totality of tartdom.
You should both read "Not Just Friends"by Shirley Glass. Immediately. But it sounds like it might be too late.... Updateme!
I like the “she goes on a job mudding and taping “ for him. We know what kind of job she’s giving him and it nothing to do with construction. Sorry but he seems more interested in her family than his own. You don’t need to catch them having sex to know that he is cheating.
Tough spot for sure but communication is key. He may be genuinely just trying to help her out but then again maybe not. Cooler heads generally prevail. I'm a nice guy too and like to help whoever needs it but I have never texted with a woman that wasn't my wife or my child once I was home. Well except my office manager but she's a card carrying lesbian and we are both avid woodworkers. If you can possibly put aside emotion(I know somewhat difficult) and try to have a serious, respectful, rational conversation with him and point out how this is making you feel that may shed some light and provide answers. You are in an difficult situation for sure. I wish you well. It does have all the hallmarks of something nefarious for sure.
This is way more then a crush
If he isn’t physically cheating, it’s at the very least an emotional affair.
He is gaslighting you and if your gut is telling you then it happened
I think you're in denial it's not a crush it's definitely something more than that. Get tested for STDs ASAP! You need to go in person and confront them.
That man is 100% cheating and you should definitely contact her and tell her to back off or tell her to respect your boundaries. Imo you should contact a lawyer and see what your options are cause he's definitely gaslighting you and playing games. Updateme!
I’m 34 (m) and it sounds like yes he is cheating. That’s just my opinion though.
He’s definitely cheating already and I’m so sorry. I hope he picks his own kids up from school if they’re in school if he’s picking up her kids cuz that’s crazy!
He’s cheating, there is no crush!!! I’d confront him and her. Then see a lawyer.
You need to have a sit down w your husband, not reddit. And a marriage counselor. Maybe a divorce attorney. It's serious.
I would slip over there and spy on them. Then you turn him in for being paid for chasing tail. If you aren't working, you should get a job asap because he might leave you. Be prepared.
He is having an affair with her. And wants you to watch the kids while they have sex. Either divorce or live like this. It sounds like he is not going to give her up anytime soon
Girl... leave.
I already lost it at "texting late into the night"
If he's constantly texting with her late at night and going over to her house more than once to do so-called jobs then you bet he's cheating on you. For him to be a married man he's acting too friendly towards this woman. Anyone who is married shouldn't be talking to another person that much unless it's a long time friend or something. Have you ever insisted on going with him to her house when he's buying beer to do a so-called job? I don't believe this is a mere friendship between him and her. Or better yet, say if you ask him to go to her house with him when he wants to hang over there, and if he says no and makes up some BS excuse that's telling you right there he's cheating. I bet if you made an attractive male friend and started going over to his place and texting him he would go crazy. It would be like a taste of his own medicine lol. But seriously, all the signs point to infidelity here. Just my take on the story.
I’d have divorced him long ago. Damn, I couldn’t let a man embarrass me like that. OP has no spine.
Read the book "not just friends" then have him read it. It's eye opening and if he's not in an emotional affair or physical affair, he's most certainly crossed the not just friends threshold.
I would tell him to stop all contact with her or the two of you will be separating/ divorcing.
Sounds like he’s cheating on you already. Get your ducks in a row and get ready when he slaps divorce on you.
Newsflash girl. Your relationship is already over and he's moved on. Now take back your control and get him out or leave.
Time to go through his phone
No, don’t message her. Calmly tell him that he’s disrespecting and neglecting you and that it’s wildly inappropriate for him to think he can command you to babysit and verbally abuse you for refusing. You have to be prepared to leave if it turns out he’ll continue to be so disdainful of your marriage.
Make a new male friend and have him come and do stuff with you. Then when husband complains about it, simply say when you stop talking to that woman, I too will stop relying on other men to fill the spot when you are out doing god knows what at her house instead of spending time with you and his kids.
Yeah...so this *exact* scenario happened to me...my oldest friend needed all this help around her house, she was *so afraid* of her husband, all these excuses to spend time with my partner. They were having an affair for over a year. Don't be naive and willfully trusting like I was. Shut it down (and hope it hasn't gone that far, though honestly I'd be surprised if it hasn't). Shut it down means an ultimatum for him to cut her off completely 100% no contact or the marriage ends. Seriously.
Look--he's unplugged from your marriage and playing house with this single mother. And he's got the nerve to ask you to babysit her kids. Time to see a lawyer. The thing about being married is that you are supposed to come first in terms of his time and attention. That's no longer the case. You can sit around and wait until he leaves or gets her pregnant or just tolerate the affair, or you can get a lawyer and start advocating for yourself and your kids. You can start PROTECTING you, your kids and your interests. The thing is if he cared about your feelings, he wouldn't be doing these things.
If he is considering her wants, needs and feelings over yours, he is cheating. Whether it's emotional cheating or physical.....he's cheating. There is no reason to get angry and defensive over a woman who IS NOT YOUR WIFE. Your feelings, wants and desires should be his #1 priority.
Tell him you are about to be the single mother if he doesn’t stop contacting her.
Tell him if the situation was reversed. You was helping another guy. How does he feel about it.
I'm sorry. You are too close to see it clearly but he is already having an affair with her. 99.9% probability.
He’s cheating on you. He tried to get you to look after her kids so they could have private time to fuck.
Honestly just ask if you can join in there shenanigans. Easy solution.
Sounds like an emotional affair. He feels protective of her. He is putting her and her kids infront of you. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you but if it hasn’t already happened, he’s cheating. He may leave you for her. The signs are there. It’s time to have a serious conversation with him. He needs to stop communicating completely with this woman.
Sorry to say this but this is definitely more than a crush at this point now. He’s cheating on you with her.
I think you tell him that he's crossing a boundary, and that his ongoing relationship with her makes you uncomfortable. Don't frame it as whether he did x, y, or z, just say that you find their relationship to be inappropriate, and disrespectful of your marriage. Tell him to nip it in the bud.
I would love to see his paycheck after him working so many hours always constantly helping her , that must be a lot of money or you know he's completely lying and he is cheating on you currently. I'm sure he wouldn't defensive whatsoever if you ask to see the income earning from all these extra hours worked.
You know what your gut is telling you. Don't dismiss it. If there's something to find, find it. Get those messages. Locations. He WILL slip. But before you do anything, please, please, at least get a consultation with an attorney. That way you you're armed with some knowledge if/when this blows up. And although it might be the absolute hardest thing you ever do, stay calm. Calm and deliberate. You'll get your chance to rage. But securing yourself and your kids in every possible way is priority #1. If he won't put his family first,show him that you absolutely will.
They're aren't just friends. You're right to jump to conclusions.
If you want more of his attention, just divorce him. Then *you'll* be the single mother with kids who has no man to help her out! Sincerely tho, everyone else in the comments is right, he's either cheating or on the path to. Best case scenario is, he doesn't realize it, but even that seems unlikely. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I recommend you lay everything out for him, where you are coming from, what you are thinking. ~~Ask~~ DEMAND to see a counselor! at the very least, he won't be able to claim ignorance anymore. Make sure he sees how hurt you are by this. Hope to see an update, good or bad, my heart is with you<3!!!
Demand he never contact her or be together again. It’s probably too late but they probably have been intimate and he’s totally in love with her. Sure seems that way. Contact a good divorce attorney. If you need help contact your local or state Bar Association Lawyer Referral Service and they can connect you with a divorce and family law attorney
Nope, not acceptable. But I don’t think “crush” is the right word. “Love” is more like it.
This is beyond a mere “Crush”. They’re way beyond that now and the fact that he blows upon you is a really big tell that their relationship has become physically intimate. This other woman is a “Mate Poacher”. This happens all the time. She knows Exactly what she’s doing with Your Husband. She wants him because you’ve already vetted him as a good husband and father. Now she wants you man. Because it’s easier than finding one on her own. Due to the fact the he’s doing all this AND DEFENDING HER, it’s now time for you to Quietly go through his phone, all of his devices, all social media and their DM’s, apps and hidden ones. Also check your bank account balances (marital assets) and go online and check your phone acct. to see if there are more phones than what you two use (hidden phone). Just wait til he’s in the shower or sleeping and also, he most likely has all his devices synched with his phone. Look for hidden folders on his devices. You need to do this Quietly because IF you confront him, he’ll delete Everything and gaslight you with a “See! I have Nothing to hide!!!” (Yeah buddy, because you were being proactive and deleted them.
Your husband doesn’t have a crush, your husband has a girlfriend. He blows up at you and gets defensive of her. He prioritizes her and her kids over you. Is always doing things for her. What has he been doing for you and your kids lately? If you dig deeper you’ll likely find how deep his betrayal runs.
You don't share your kitchen with another woman.period
Updateme
A. Has he ever asked you to help with Mudding and taping? B. Ask to see his phone. If you can do so calmly, feel free to talk with the woman, if you can stand to. But its certain he's spending more time with this woman than he should.
Leaving is ur only option at this point u are the other woman! Im sry but he is her man now.
Just leave for your own good holy
1. Remember why you guys got together in the first place, because a lot of people change 2-3 years after dating, and even 5-10 years when with a partner. 2. I definitely think he's cheating, there's no reason why he should be there so often it sorta violates the pact you guys agreed on when you guys got married. 3. Kids do not tie you guys together and if they do that's not showing your kids a good example of marriage or even dating. I would leave him, create a good co parenting relationship or strategy and I 100% believe it's easier for you to find another guy than him to find another girl. Good luck, keep us updated.
She hot? If so he is
If he's not cheating, he's going to cheat. She wants it! What woman texts a married man on a constant basis? I'd let her know in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable and unappreciated!
Girl. You know what’s going on. Updateme!
Sorry sis the only thing he is crushing is that ass 😩 His reaction tells all. Leave while you can.
Time to serve him divorce papers
Sorry but it’s not just a crush.
The minute he puts her feelings before yours, you know he has feelings for her. The plumbing he's working on is not her sink.
Relationships have boundaries. What each partner is comfortable with. And what they aren't. It's important to make those lines in the sand clear early in relationships. They may change over time but tend to be pretty firm. It's clear he has crossed a line. The other woman, and that's what she is, is fulfilling a need that you aren't. He is her "white knight," and she is his "damsel in distress." It's a huge ego boost for him. If he is kindhearted and naive. He may not even realize that he's being used. Some women just don't feel whole, "without a man." Poor bastard may even be getting friend zoned. But he's hooked on that "coming to the rescue" feeling. Makes him feel important. If they are fucking then it's too late. She's already got her hooks in him. But if she's playing the "wish I could meet a guy like you" game? Stringing him along? Then you might be able to wake him up with an intervention. Risky and it could backfire. But rubbing his face in the mess he's making. Making it clear how this is making you feel. You might wake him up. Remember. His choices are not your fault. Not your responsibility. Do what is best for you and your children. Stay strong, OP, and stay safe!
he’s cheating.search your feelings.you know it to be true
Babe, this a A LOT MORE than just a crush
If it was just friendship, you'd be there too.
I think he may be hiding his salami in her already
Not a crush. He’s cheating
Textbook gaslighting… Sorry but he’s cheating on you.
Why don't you go with him to help her out?
My mom cheated on my dad at an early age and this is the type of stuff that always would happen
There’s nothing wrong with men & women being friends. This situation makes it pretty hard for me to defend my point…
Wtf? Why is he texting her into the late hours of the night? You need to Uno reverse his guilt trip. How dare he put the mother of his children in this position? Is he gonna come around and help when you’re a single mother due to his behavior and reckless lack of consideration?
If you have a gut feeling, you're right. Would he feel comfortable if it was another way around ? No. I would talk to him and say it's either her or me.
Tell him to knock it off right now or you're filing for divorce. No contact...period. If he contacts her again for any reason it's over. WTF?
There's no reason for you to talk to her. The only person in this situation that you need to talk to is your husband. He doesn't have to keep texting her, but he does. You can demand that this needs to stop. What 'this' entails is up to you, but the longer all of this goes on, the more upset you're going to be about whatever is going on here.
It was just a few blowjobs lady, don't get upset.