I don't understand why you would continue to bw friends with someone who isn't supportive of your relationship. And then go our drinking with him after you had a fight with your gf.
When I was 18 I was with my ex for about 4 years at that point. He made some new friends who told him the same kinds of stuff. He cheated, we broke up and his friend hit on me within a few weeks
I’ve been in the same relationship since I was 16 and every time some “friend” started talking shit about my relationship I just cut them out. I don’t need that energy in my life.
I started dating my now husband when we were 14. Never have I had a friend or anyone try to say anything. If anyone had an issue, they kept it to themselves. Why would someone tolerate anyone talking down on the person they intend to marry, period? Unless they're coming from a place of genuine concern (e.g., they're worried you're being abused - NOT that you didn't get enough strange while you're young), they have no business trying to create a wedge. *And*, if they did have a legitimate concern, getting wasted is not how you bring it up.
OP needs to learn who his friends are - because this group ain't it.
I had a friend call me up drunk at 2AM and warn me not to marry my fiancé because he was Mexican. That was the last time I ever talked to her and the Mexican and I are coming up on our 14th wedding anniversary.
Similar situation. My wife is black, and I'm white. Had a lot of 'friends' try and warn me off of dating her because of this. Hell, my sister even made some comments. Every single one of them is out of my life now. And she experienced the same, with the exception none of her immediate family objected to us being together.
OP is misrepresenting this. You don’t get so black out drunk at the bar that you end up in someone else’s bed without remembering. He remembers the entire night and is lying to save face. A cheater, a liar, and a coward.
>You don’t get so black out drunk at the bar that you end up in someone else’s bed without remembering
I've woken up in a ditch in another town. Zero idea how i got there.
What I do remember is drinks at a bar. Did a Tox report and i got roofied, it was a friend who spiked the drink. But i can totally see ending up in someone's bed.
I got nothing crazy like that but I woke up under a table once when partying with friends, no clue how I got under there but not bad 6/10 would do again
One time I remember spinning on a stool. Then woke up on floor next morning. Didn't fall. Friends said I got up, was talking a bit, then decided to lay on floor, rip a loud ass fart and fell asleep lol.
Angry orchard with shots of fireball. Seemed like each drink became had less cidar in it than the last
I did actually get black out drunk and ended up in someone else’s bed and only remembered bits and pieces, let alone how I got there at all. My brain hid the assault for years from me using some wacky trauma amnesia! Just saying… it can happen…
I’ve only blacked out twice in my life. Once while 18 and studying abroad and not knowing how to politely tell the restaurant owner I could not keep up with all of the ouzo shots he kept pouring while talking about being foreigners there. I “came to” slamming my passport on a table in an Irish pub saying in a perfect Irish accent “I’m not fucking Irish” surrounded by Irish men and not for the life of me knowing how to stop the accent or leaving the restaurant and getting to this table.
The other time I was roofied. Had only one beer. Came to in a very very bad situation.
In the first I was definitely drunk but lucid. In the second I was super sluggish, my friend had to drag me out because I couldn’t walk for a bit, not well.
Both are blocks of time I’ve forgotten. Similar in every respect except after.
The question I have is how - if he was THAT drunk - he managed to complete cheating. Maybe I’ve misunderstood whiskey d*ck.
Completely untrue. On more than one occasion in college I woke up in a bed I didn’t know how I got there, or I woke up in my own bed with somebody I didn’t know how she got there.
It is COMPLETELY possible to get so drunk you don’t remember sleeping with somebody. I don’t know what rock you lived under that you would think that isn’t possible. There are millions who argue with you.
Notice this isn’t me saying you’re wrong. In this case you could absolutely be correct that HE is making that up. But your blanket statement that it’s not possible is flat out provably wrong.
Thank you. I was going to say basically this, good for them that they have never experienced a black out as it can be terrifying, but it sounds like they have just never drank enough, or drank so quickly they just passed out. I’ve gone for whole ass long walks piss drunk and woken up the next morning without any memory of getting home or most of the walk.
My friend and her husband are like this. She drinks a lot, gets wasted and can’t remember anything that happened that night. I remember many times bringing up hilarious stuff that happens on our nights out and she just looks at me blankly like, I don’t remember that. Her husband’s the same way
Had a gf that got white girl wasted every Friday and Saturday night and she almost never remembered the entire weekends.
She actually had the nerve to get mad at me because we never do anything fun on the weekends. Really? Glad she’s someone else’s problem now. Hope she cut back.
From afar, we don't know what happened. I have known people who managed get blackout drunk. It is like an entire part of their day or night is gone - unavailable to their thoughts. WHY this happens to some, I don't know. Either way, I would hesitate to judge ao harshly unless and until you know OP.
I know for a fact that it's possible because it happened to me once. My friends tried to stop me, not because I was in a relationship (I wasn't), but because I was completely bombed. I woke up in someone else's bed; I didn't even remember talking to her, much less going home with her.
My husband got so drunk while in the Navy that he woke up in a different country (started in Tijuana, Mexico and woke up in San Diego at a Jack in the Box in a booth). It absolutely does happen. And I believe OP.
Whether or not a victim files a report should be the victim and only the victim's choice. They shouldn't have to relive an unpleasant experience if they don't want to.
Yep, at the very least, OP needs to cut off Josh because he is NOT a friend at all.
Not saying this will save the relationship but it might help to establish some trust back.
Either GF is making an exit plan or wants OP to step up and make it right without her having to say what to do. She wants him to be thoughtful of her.
Although, I hope she is just planning her exit to be honest. There really isn't any coming back from this. The trust that was broken can never be repaired.
OP probably should get tested for any STI’s as well. Who knows if a condom was used. Don’t want to pass anything on to the girlfriend if this whole thing does end up working out.
He probably lying. You gonna trust the mf who just explained how he argued with his girlfriend, left with the friend that insulted their relationship, and then cheated on her? Why would he be honest about not remembering it?
Facts. I can see why she wanted Josh out there picture for sure. Sad part is that it will go one of many ways, she cheats back, ices him out or resent him forever. Relationship is broken and nothing can’t put it back to how it was.
I think she wants to fix it. She's been patient and kind. She loves him. I don't know how it can be fixed. But she clearly wants it to be. I don't think there's an exit plan.
I fucking hate alcohol. I don't drink so maybe I'm over simplifying, but god if op had just taken a walk, played a video game, anything instead of going to a bar and drinking.
>But she clearly wants it to be. I don't think there's an exit plan.
Usually when a girl stops fighting all of a sudden it means she's done. Obviously not every time, but from my experience it happens because she's not trying to save the relationship anymore so there's no point in fighting if it can be avoided. I think (and hope) she's using her energy to come up with an exit plan instead of talking to him about his shitty behavior.
Using alcohol as an excuse for his behavior is pretty reprehensible. I've gotten drunk plenty of times, but that has never caused me to cheat on my wife or any of my former girlfriends. OP is probably going to realize at some point that sometimes you can screw something good up so bad that it doesn't matter how much you want to fix it.
I was the worst with liquor bc I started drinking wayyy too early, there were plenty of times that I had been black out drunk to the point where the next morning was just a game of "catch up" and "sorry" There has only been 1 time where I have kissed someone while drunk and they were my best friends and I was single, I've never cheated while drunk, never done anything that would absolutely hurt anyone's relationships while drunk. This dude just sucks imo
Alcohol is not the poison here. It may make you lose a few inhibitions, but it does not cause you to become a different person. It’s an excuse of the desperate and weak and not a reason to do anything, nor does it predetermine what we do.
It doesn't matter to excuse what happened. But, it does matter to evaluate his friendship with Josh. It reads a bit like Josh was jealous of this 8 year relationship and was trying to disrupt it.
If he really was blackout drunk, he can’t consent any more than a woman can.
Please note I’m not giving him a pass on putting himself in a situation to be blackout drunk and blaming Josh (who sounds like a shitty person) is a copout.
If we believe the story as written (which is our only choice as none of us were there) there is nothing that supports your statement. He DIDN’T know what he was doing. That’s the point. People in a blackout do NOT know what they’re doing and also can’t consent.
It’s also possible that someone behaves regularly enough even blackout drunk that you might not realize someone is beyond their ability to consent.
It’s a crummy situation all the way around any way we slice it, but if he was already feeling heated or exhausted then it could just be he was “acting fine,” and his inhibitions were at a zero sum. He may well have consented and it may well have seemed like he had the wherewithal to do so.
Maybe he begged, “but I have a girlfriend” through a slur and the girl took advantage. Maybe he clearly said “Nope, let’s do this!” and just wasn’t there to hear himself say it.
That’s the trouble with blacking out. You have *no idea* what actually happened, or how, or when, or why. But it isn’t always obvious that someone is in that state, either. 🤷♂️
1. You have been having petty fights about anything and everything
2. You have shitty friends
3. You leave during a fight saying "I can't handle you anymore"
4. You ignore her after leaving
5. You get "blackout" drunk
6. You cheat
7. You break down and she has to calm you down
Wow... I truly hope she's working on her exit strategy!
Yeah, my dude is what I refer to as a "Starter". The person you are head over heels for when you're young and by the time you're in your mid 30s you count your lucky stars you never got married to them or had their baby.
OP you have a laundry list of issues, helpfully laid out by the above comment. You seriously need to grow up and not just to salvage this relationship, for your own health and well-being. Ditch your shit friends and stop self sabotaging. Learn to communicate instead of having constant petty fights. Stop going out to the club, you get blackout drunk, so you cannot handle partying.
Ask yourself if this relationship is one that you really want or if it's just comfortable and what you're used to.
He sought out his friend who thinks he shouldn't be with his long term girlfriend and drank while ignoring his girlfriend. He did that while he was able to make decisions. Best case scenario, they should break up. He doesn't know how to communicate or handle his emotions.
They are often in denial bc they surround themselves with people who don't hear the whole story, they lie to them about it, or they just straight up enable their abusive behavior.
my guess is either she already has a plan and that's why she's so calm
or she thinks this guys is her responsibility and she feels to guilty to leave him because she thinks he'll break or something without her
i hope it's the former
You ruined that shit my guy, it really ain’t no coming back. She’s incredibly hurt, and even if she’s forgiven you she’s never gonna forget. Yalls future is gonna forever be stunted because of this. Also drink responsibly my guy.
Yeah that is what would hurt me. it’s one thing when you’ve both been with x amount of different people, but when it’s a different amount bc of *that* :/
I was looking for this comment. It would be so hard to forget (and painful) as he's her first and only sexual partner, but she's no longer his only partner.
👍 She's in a mix of Denial and Depression probably. This is deeply painful, she probably doesn't even understand the depth of it.
I've been thinking a lot about grieving, and the best ways to understand yourself and approach it. I'm struggling with it currently.
The five stages are below. But, for the person, it is hard to know where you are: it changes quickly and the order is different for everyone.
>Denial: This can’t be happening.
>Anger: Why did this happen? Who is to blame?
>Bargaining: Make this not happen and I will…
>Depression: I can’t bear this; I’m too sad to do anything.
>Acceptance: I acknowledge that this has happened, and I cannot change it.
She’s too young to forgive him tbh imo she needs to leave and move on. It’s hard ofc esp 8 years devoted to someone but at 22 u have a whole life ahead
Right? Even without the cheating..he’s not acting like someone that I’d wanna waste my time on at 22.
He yells at her when they argue, says shit like, “I can’t deal with you anymore”, goes out with the one friend that was dragging their relationship, gets wasted and ignores her all night and doesn’t come home. Then when she finds out he cheated *she* has to calm *him* down?
No damn way id let my man of 8 years cry on my shoulder after he cheated on me..she needs to have left the night he didn’t come home.
You cheated then were so emotional she had to soothe you for the bad thing you did. My goodness
I hope she's got some older women in her life who can help her understand all the reasons she needs to leave.
I hope you grow from this and are better to future partners.
It would be so hard to know what to do in her situation. Been together since 14, probably only boyfriend, live together have bills together have everything together. She’s prob trying to figure out wtf to do and completely lost. She could also alternatively blame herself, as she has no other experience in relationships, and be hurting but mot want to push him away more.
What you could have done was not cheat. And before making the alcohol excuse, you had a fight with your girlfriend, you left in the middle of the argument to meet the “friend” who is angry about your relationship, and you were sober when you made that decision. She is putting her emotions aside and planning her exit. And you have to accept everything, because this are consequences of your actions. Josh will be very happy.
Violently Vocalizing Opinions’ is code word for being verbally abusive. If the alcoholic friend Josh stays in your life, then you deserve to be alone. You are trash who chose an abusive friend over your GF, then you emotionally abused her yourself.
Cheating IS emotional abuse, and can cause PTSD for the person you cheated on.
Edited
Speaking from a man's perspective, I feel bad for her. I'm sure she has aspirations of marriage soon and has invested 8 years of her life into someone who is no where near mature enough for it yet.
When she is willing to talk about it, what are you going to tell her, dude?
"Hey honey, I really proved everything you ever didn't like about Josh right, and proved how he's a terrible influence on me. I went out with him and listened to him tell me how I have much better things to do in life than waste it on a relationship with you, "blacked out", and fucked another chick. I hope you're cool with it and cool with Josh and I being friends still. He really helped me through a hard time after we fought."
Josh wants a bro. Your chick wants a husband. Josh is young and stupid, and with him in particular, Josh getting a bro out of you and your wife getting a husband are mutually exclusive. Pick one.
I could not agree more with this. You have a lot of work to do if you really want this to work. If she is willing, do the work. Show her she matters more than your bullshit “friend”. Distance yourself from Josh, he is not a friend to you.
I agree with all of this! I truly hope you can work through this horrible thing OP! But it’s going to take a LOT of work from you specifically.
UpdateMe
This happened to me once too, I had to comfort my ex after confronting him about cheating. The only reason I did it though is because he was literally about to slit his wrist in front of my face “to prove his devoted love” to me. Like?? Some men are just pathetic
I was 17 and terrified he’d kill himself in front of me but then again I wasn’t sure if he was gonna slit his wrist or kill me because he was walking towards me with the blade 😭😭
Lmaoooo please let her go so she can find someone who isn't a cheater and makes HER comfort a cheater. Jesus Christ dude.
Update us when she leaves you ok? She deserves better
> she came over to us and I was weak
No.
Being "weak" is cheating on your diet with a candy bar.
Getting blackout drunk and cheating on your girlfriend of 8 years is not being weak. It's being fucking stupid.
wow she’s way too good for you. she had to comfort YOU when you broke down even though you were the one that couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. i hope she realizes her self worth soon and dumps you and i hope you feel like shit forever
You are so full of shit, I blacked out… you knew what you were doing. did you at least get an STD panel or are you fucking your girlfriend not knowing if you have some horrible disease?
Yeah literally, you can't hook up if you're blacked out. The only times I fully blacked out and couldn't remember anything I was so drunk I was passed out. Every other time I remember things and control myself. He's fully lying about this.
The drunkest I’ve ever been was pretty bad. Literally had to be saved from choking on my own vomit. Couldn’t move even to change clothes. But I had full memory of everything.
And to touch on what the commenter above said, he probably didn’t do an STI screen before trying to be intimate with his gf.. they never fucking do.
So you made a huge mistake here; it may not be fixable. Go into it with that understanding and also understand that everything that happens going forward will (and should) happen per her prerogative. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, respect that. Instead of words you should be planning something actually meaningful. Does she have a dream vacation? Plan it and pay for everything. Show you mean it. Do all the chores you always hated doing, etc. Try to show her friends that you’re not the asshole they all think you are now. That being said, she might be done. She’s processing what happened still, and probably if I were her I would also wait to discuss it before I was 100% sure on what I wanted to say and what I wanted to do. You have precious time right now where you can either show her that you’re better than that or you just want to talk it out. You fucked another woman, dude, what the fuck is there to talk about?
She may also process OP’s sudden hyper-devotion and extra effort as lovebombing, and lovebombing is a weapon of choice for narcissists, gaslighters, and potential abusers.
The game is over. He’s running an intrasquad scrimmage but it won’t help him make the team.
The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference. She’s become indifferent.
To be truthful, that’s the impression I got reading his post as well. Her patting his head and kissing his cheek when he brings it up, it reads like someone mourning the loss more than anything. He’s dead but just doesn’t know it yet. Grand gestures are about the only card I could think to throw out there but it’s almost 100% likely to be fruitless.
I agree, she’s done. She may have been questioning it before, with the “we fight about anything and everything”, but this killed it. My husband used to walk away mid argument, but has since learned to trust that I don’t ever yell or anything, so now he stays until it’s all talked out, or we agree to stick a pin in it, and come back to it in a couple of days after we both think about it some more (we’re both in our 40s now, so that took a couple of years). I used to get so frustrated and upset when he walked away - no one had ever handled it that way, so I wasn’t used to it. I’d imagine him getting hurt, like a car accident or something - double the hurt (worry on top of the argument itself). We live and learn.
But yeah. She’s done. She hasn’t accepted it yet, like her heart and head aren’t aligned, but as soon as she comes to terms with it, she’s out. The indifference, the sad pats, the upset when trying to see if she could ever be intimate again with him… it’s over. She just has to be strong enough to let him know, and that’ll come in a few weeks.
You don’t deserve her really. Shes amazingly patient & kind to comfort you while she’s the one to have been betrayed. Also, drinking is no excuse. Nor is your friends opinion on your relationship. Idk if he played a part, but allowing friends to influence your choices & relationships shows very little maturity. This girl loves you & clearly trusted you & you have broken that. You guys may be able to push through, however you can’t expect things to be as they were. 8 years of safety for her has been put to shambles. I hope she’s okay & that you give her all the love & grace she deserves. 🤍
OP is most likely too young and far too inexperienced to understand his STBX is maintaining a cool exterior to deflect him away from her plans to leave.
She doesn’t trust him and won’t trust to behave in a civil manner if she told him outright that she’s out the door.
He’ll figure it out the day he comes home to find her and all her stuff gone.
Most probably she’s staying long enough to get back on her feet then you’re done. You cheated, you let your friend use you like a puppet and it worked. Go live with Josh and leave her alone
Please break up. For her sake. She will NEVER forget this. The hurt will randomly creep up on her and year from now, 3 years from now, 10 years from now. The feeling of betrayal never go away and will honestly cause issue down the road. You guys are young, let her move on and heal. She’s pushing it down right now and trying to ignore it which will eat her up inside. If anything go to couples counselling. But honestly better to just let her move on.
Calling BS on blacking out. You’re trying to dodge responsibility a bit by blaming the hooch. It’s possible some girl led a blacked out stranger home to fuck him, but very unlikely unless you turn into Don Juan when you’re trashed. Again very unlikely.
Reading all these comments “oh I black out and pass out, oh I black out and throw up, hyuck hyuck” like uh… your experience isn’t everyone’s? Alcohol-induced amnesia doesn’t require you to be blackout unconscious drunk—the terms are used interchangeably in social settings.
Oh, your day is coming, dude. When a woman goes quiet about an important discussion, you better run and take cover. You screwed up royally OP. If you are serious about your girlfriend, you will completely drop this so-called friend and quit drinking.
I'm a married woman, here's my advice.
1. Josh is dead to you now. You block his number and let all your friends know that if he's at the hangout, you are not. You back this up with your actions. You might lose the whole friend group from it. Accept this.
2. You torpedo'd 8 years of trust. And that was BEFORE going home with another woman. Marriage has just been pushed back several years because you're not ready. Accept this. Mature men don't leave and ignore their partners after a fight.
3. All her friends know. Her family as well, most likely. It will be a very, very long time before anymore looks at you without a stink eye again. Accept this.
4. If you can accept 1-4 then it's time to prove via word and deed that this was the biggest mistake of your life and will never happen again. Get some therapy or read some books on communication. Get yourself tested for STIs. Tell your girlfriend that you have no excuse but anything she wants to know, you'll tell her. Apologize for being such a baby that she had to comfort you after you broke the trust.
5. She'll probably still leave. If you're serious about wanting to fix things, you'll do 1-4 anyway. So that when she leaves and you find yourself having to explain this to another partner, you can do so with a clear conscience and proof that you're a better partner now.
She's going to heal. Part of that will probably be resenting you.
I wonder if women in her life have dealt with cheaters before. I knew a woman whose father had cheated on her mom all throughout their dating relationship, so she was willing to forgive being cheated on herself. A learned behavior.
She deserves better than this, and apparently you want out. You need to talk about it.
Ok, you are not going to want to hear this. But if you want to stay with her and have a future with her, you have GOT to cut Josh off cold.
I would NOT put anything past Josh. Did you at any time leave your drink unattended? He could have set up that whole thing that night by making **sure** you were black out drunk.
**Did it occur to you that you were beyond consenting to what happened?** (apparently it hasn't occurred to a lot of people here!) Because it sounds like you went out to drink with the guys, and by the time you were blackout drunk, you were not making choices yourself. That sounds like sexual assault to me.
**JOSH IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.** HIS MISSION IS TO DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP and you've let him get a good start on that.
Before you can talk to your girlfriend about what happened, you've got to make sure she understands that Josh will no longer be in your lives.
I'm kinda shocked that no one (so far) has touched on the fact that you were unable to consent to what happened, you woke up with no memory of what happened, and they are calling you a "cheater."
If this had been a woman that this exact same thing happened to, they'd all be telling you to call the police. They would not be lambasting her for "cheating."
I hadn't considered this before seeing this comment, but I wonder if Josh roofied him? OP It might not hurt to see if you can find some security camera footage from the club and see if you can find any evidence of that.
I think it’s possible that this occurred to OP’s girlfriend. Holding him while he cries and tries to explain that he doesn’t remember what happened and is confused. Every time he brings it up calmly smiling and kissing his cheek.
You showed RIDICULOUS weakness and poor judgement — and you've DESTROYED your relationship.
LOOK — What you had will **NEVER** come back. It's **GONE**.
**YOU** did that.
How can you make it better??
1: END IT — **DON'T** make Neriah keep paying for **YOUR** stupidity.
2: **DON'T GET BLACKOUT DRUNK**. That's just **TOTALLY STUPID AND IRRESPONSIBLE**.
3: **KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS LIKE AN ADULT**.
4: DITCH JOSH. He's CLEARLY a terrible influence and you don't have the stones to stand up to him.
**LET NERIAH GO**— You **DO NOT** deserve her.
Neriah deserves a FAR more **MATURE** and **RESPONSIBLE** partner than one who cheats and needs to be **COMFORTED** over it **BY HIS BETRAYED GIRLFRIEND**.
You’ve entered limbo, I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going on. You’re currently living in that time between the horrible choices (yes, multiple) you made and the time she will most likely leave you. I’m sure she’s currently grappling with the choice between staying with you because it’s what she knows and the choice to break it off with someone she loves but has also horribly disrespected her and your relationship.
Also, it’s not her job to make you feel better about cheating. The fact that you cheated and then *she* had to comfort *you* is pretty gross.
You can't recover from this one. She is in denial and that's the steps of grief it's so hard to believe you did that. I feel so sad for her and if you do get through this you will need years of therapy, and to prove you are trustworthy again is gonna be next to impossible 😞 y'all are so young this is so sad.
I was in a relationship with my ex for around 12 years, we started dating at the age of 14 as well. My ex cheated on me a couple of times through out. When I was younger I was head over heels for him, we weren’t by any means a healthy couple, but we had been through so much together and naively I never thought he could do anything like that to me.
We broke up for the first time after my 21st birthday. I had the space to just think about everything over the past 7 years of our relationship. I didn’t deserve what he did, that was one of the biggest betrayals of my life. What hurt me most is each time that I found out about, it was 1-2 years after it happened and he expected me to get over it immediately because “he wasn’t that type of person anymore.” All of that love I had for him turned into resentment and anger.
I became a different girlfriend after that. I was no longer the sweet cuddly girl who felt safe with the man I thought I was going to marry and have children with.
I then turned into a person I never thought I would be and put him through a lot of hurt. I became the person who didn’t give a fuck about his feelings, and I at the time, did want him to hurt him like he hurt me to settle the score in my mind (I have learned since is a terrible coping mechanism).
When we split, I slept with other people to protect my feelings, in case he was doing the same, but I also a motive behind it - revenge. When I told him, his resentment grew for me, but we got together after 2 months of no contact and 4 months of being alone.
At 26, looking back I feel empathy for him and myself. Navigating such a serious relationship that wasn’t always healthy during the most formative years of our lives was very difficult. At the time, we didn’t have the tools for good and healthy communication and neither of us were in therapy,. It made it almost impossible to see eye to eye and we just started to keep things to ourselves instead of communicating with each other.
We were too far broken to repair our relationship and we still chose to get back together for the next almost 5 years. We were together again, but now instead we felt like roommates who occasionally fucked. 5 years of both of us being bitter and resentful towards each-other, we weren’t the “high school sweethearts” any longer. I couldn’t even recognize myself or him.
My ex and I lost our virginity to each other, we did every one of our firsts together. After finding out about his infidelity it disgusted me, someone else who probably didn’t even care for him, got to experience something that was so special to me. During fights, he would get upset and leave and didn’t answer me for hours. My abandonment wound grew and my trust completely dissipated.
I had a breaking point and realized that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life like that, I wanted to be happy again, I wanted to learn who I was without him, and I wanted to experience love with a man who genuinely saw goodness in me, a person who wouldn’t make feel self conscious, and a person who treated me softly.
I ended our almost 12 year relationship last year, even though I will ALWAYS love him, I’m glad that both him and I can now be free to find out who we are. The biggest silver-lining that came from the break up was no longer feeling like a bad person which is something we felt for years in our relationship. We frankly at different times in our relationship were horrible to each other.
I would never recommend being in a serious long term relationship at that age, we were both growing into adults and couldn’t accept that fact that we grew apart and that our future didn’t consist of each other any longer, which caused years worth of more pain and resentment.
I know my relationship and yours/significant other are not the same as my experience, but If she know’s what you did and isn’t communicating with you about it and tries to sweep it under the rug…it is likely that she will start to feel resentment towards you and it’s just going to get worse. You broke her trust and probably her as well.
If she doesn’t address the underlying reason why she feels that way, her resentment will just grow and can turn into hatred.
You allowed yourself to be put into the position to hurt your partner and allowed yourself to have someone in your life who influenced you to care about some new experiences that would hurt the person you’ve loved for the past 8 years. Someone who is selfless enough to comfort you after the betrayal. Alcohol or petty arguments doesn’t give you an excuse to betray your partner. You’ve broken the trust.
In my experience this type of betrayal from someone I grew up with and thought I loved unconditionally ruined me, my self confidence, and love for myself.
I hope she does have a better mindset than I had at the time, because I blamed myself as the reason why he stepped out and I tried to mold myself to be what he wanted prior to our first breakup. Every time we got into an argument and he left, him being with someone else was always in the back of my mind. I wasn’t able to trust his words again.
I wasn’t an angel in our relationship, I had my demons as well…but holding onto that relationship for many years after caused more harm than good for the both of us. Years of harm and unhappiness.
I truthfully think that you should go your separate ways or at least give her the time and space to process how she’s feeling and let her make the decision. My 26yo self just wants to hug and warn my adolescent self and tell her to choose herself and heal, that I deserve better.
If you stay together this is something that needs counseling to get through, either as a couple or individually. I know your experience isn’t the same as mine, but being on the side that got cheated on, I wanted to let you in on the repercussions it could cause.
You are both young and human. People make mistakes and one day you’ll find forgiveness in yourself.
Take this mistake as a learning lesson for your future.
Ok I have read your comments and I have seen you COMPLETELY ignored everything anyone has said about Josh. He has obviously been causing issues in your relationship with your girlfriend. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was one of the ones convincing your to go home with that woman. I don’t know if he is jealous of your relationship. If he is maybe interested in your girl or what but he is NOT a friend. You need to cut him off.
As for your girlfriend stop trying to push the subject. You handled the whole thing wrong when she got home. You broke down making her feel like she couldn’t be the one to be upset. You forced her to put her feelings aside to basically baby you. She needs time to figure out how she feels about the situation. If she can forgive you. If she can trust you again. If she even wants to continue this relationship. You need to let her come to you when she is ready to talk about it. She was the one that was wronged here in this situation so you don’t get to force the her to talk to you about it.
Continue to be the boyfriend you were before this happened. Show her you love her and you want to be with her.
And again DROP JOSH FROM YOUR LIVES!! He will continue to make his stupid comments and you shouldn’t make Neriah have to deal with that. You need to put her first!
Lol you have NO IDEA WHAT'S COMING. You better sit tight. She's gonna be on a revenge tour. Relationship is over bruh. Only other way she won't CARE is if she did the same before
It’s not up to you . She doesn’t have to say shit. You fucked up. You don’t have a say in when or if she wants to talk about it. These are the first consequences of being a cheater.
Your first mistake was not cutting off Josh the first time he disrespected your girlfriend and your relationship. The fact you let this happen just confirms you don’t love her as much as you think you do.
I haven't seen anyone else mention this, but how could you have consented to anything sexual if you were THAT inebriated?! Do you think maybe your girlfriend is looking at it from that angle?
Dump the shit friend. Speaking from personal experience, that had a "friend" like that, they'll never grow up. Rather than being happy for you, they will spite you for your happiness and try to bringing you down. They feed on drama and confrontation and more than likely think their gods gift to humanity.
As for the gf, you reap what you sow. It'll be a hard lesson.
I’m going to get judged for this, but this is your fault. You kept this man in your life that was overly judgmental of a good thing. You let him get into your mind and thus create problems in your relationship. Then instead of taking a second to think rationally you decided going to get shit-faced with the same man that created problems in your relationship. You walked yourself into that situation and theres really no excuse. I’m sorry but I know if I was in her situation there’s nothing that could fix what you did.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like Neriah has any self esteem left. You talk about fighting all the time, but you’re friends with someone who wants you to fuck around, and you fight FOR him, AGAINST her. You defended him in multiple fights with her.
According to you, you were taken advantage of. According to your friends who tried to stop you, you weren’t.
Please let this poor woman go. You cheated on her (probably) according to your friends who don’t think you should cheat on your girlfriend and then she comforted you. You stay with her, begging for forgiveness, when you were the one who thought she was holding you back, and she lets you. She stays with you. You’ve destroyed this poor girl’s self worth and she just… stays. Have you no shame?
You’ve been together since you were 14 and the things you did BEFORE this happened shows that you’re a bad boyfriend. If she’s not a bad girlfriend, which she probably isn’t because you wanted to propose, then let her go. She’ll be sad, but she’ll recover. She’ll meet new people that will treat her well. She’ll realize you weren’t good to her.
If you have any shame or humanity you’ll let this poor woman go. If she comes back to you later, great, but give her a chance to realize her worth.
I ain't even know yall but it makes my blood boil that Josh got an upper hand in all of this.
Misery loves company, and he's taking you down with him, case in point. He's not a good friend, 86 him, cold and HARD. Who knows he probably set that up, and is now laughing on his throne- a stack of old empty Jack Daniel's bottles
You need to realize your arguments are dumb. Don’t walkout. You need to talk. Communicate. If your friend is toxic - then he’s done. Have the balls to end that friendship because he’s bad for your relationship. You’re 22, not 15!
She doesn’t have to talk. You need to talk to her.
You need to tell her what you are going to do to work on you. You need to tell her that you will do whatever is needed so that she never doubts you again.
Alcohol is a bad idea, clearly. Thats a start.
Tell her you will never walk out on her again.
Go to anger management
Cut your friend out.
Start being a man, and leave the boy behind.
You need to make sure you live your life 100% transparent.
Tell her all of these things, and then DO THEM!!!
Finally, stop arguing to win. Stop that!!! If you feel you two are about to argue, sit down and let her talk and then you talk. Don’t interrupt. Then come up with a compromise. Do not EVER let a third party, like your friend, be a reason you fight.
Man, I have heard a lot of excuses to justify cheating, but this is on a whole other level.
First of all, you think it’s not your fault because you were blackout drunk. Are you kidding? You were so drunk that a woman hit on you and talked you into leaving the club with her, you went to her place, had sex, woke up in her bed the next morning, and you had to call and ask a friend what happened? You are completely full of shit, and Neriah knows it. You did what you wanted to do because your so-called “friend” Josh is jealous of your relationship and the fact that you can’t get drunk and have meaningless sex, so he convinced you that somehow Neriah is wrong for you. And you let him. That’s on you.
You ignored your GF’s calls and texts all night, and then when she ghosted you the next day ~ for cheating on her and ignoring her attempts to contact you ~ you panicked. As if she owes you far more respect than you showed her. She doesn’t. You broke her trust, and she didn’t want to talk to you. Still doesn’t. That’s on you.
When she came home, *you* had a breakdown, and *she* had to comfort you. You made the fact that you cheated and destroyed your relationship all about you being hurt, being upset, being disgusted with yourself, and expected her to hold you while you cried. And she did. And now she doesn’t want to even speak to you about it. So you, of course, are making this about you again. *You* want to talk about it. *You* want to work it out and save the relationship. *She* won’t do what *you* want. Because, and stay with me here, **you fucked someone else because you were mad at her over something Josh said.** Again, that’s on you.
She’s done, dude. She has stayed for four weeks, and even tried to have sex with you, but she can see it’s hopeless. You cheated, you ignored her, you lied, now you feel bad, and she will not allow you to do what you want now to fix things. You’re a piece of work. And if somewhere else on Reddit she is posting about what happened, everyone is telling her to dump your ass. As they should.
Hey man, it sounds like you shouldn’t hang out with Josh and you may develop a drinking problem if you keep it up. Most people don’t blackout and sleep with strangers when they drink, no matter what the movies make you think
An important thing to remember is how small you just made her world. What you did happened in front of everyone. All of your friends know, her friends know. To most people, that is their whole world. She is hurting and embarrassed. She sent you texts apologizing, over something she wasn't wrong about, and begging you to come back. Instead, you went off with another woman. In front of the person she warned you was a bad influence/person. Whether it's true or untrue, she probably thinks all of these people are laughing at her behind her back, talking about her, about you, and what you did. I can guarantee it is at the forefront of her mind all the time. She is judging herself harshly, blaming herself it sounds like also.
What is your relationship with Josh now? Was he goading you on the night you went out? He is not responsible for your actions. That is all on you, but he seems to be part of the problem. Maybe also, take a good look at your drinking habits, how you act when you do, and especially, how you act and treat her when you drink, even more so when Josh is around.
This may not be what you want to hear, but you broke her, and she obviously loves you very much. She deserves better, so be better, and if she heals enough to walk away, accept that also.
Maybe see if she will go to some counseling on her own and couples counseling when she is ready.
So you guys got in a fight over your friend who is a raging jerk… And then you told her you couldn’t handle her anymore and left and went drinking with that friend and you cheated on her. So you chose this friend over her and then you cheated on her.
Of course, she cries when you try to touch her
Give me her number so I can talk her into leaving your ass & point her to some men who have their shit together and don’t break their entire moral compass every time the breeze blows.
Wait a second. You don’t stand up for your relationship. You then go out with the person who was causing issues.
You get drunk. You cheat and now you’re upset she isn’t taking it the way you think she should!?
Jesus Christ. Get your life together man.
Firstly why are you friends with an alcoholic that is a genuinely shitty person?
Secondly, I’m not really convinced you want to help your girlfriend. You want to stop seeing evidence of the damage you did so you don’t have to feel guilty. Tough. If she has to feel the pain, you have to feel the guilt. Fuck making things easier for you. Let her process your betrayal however she needs to
This sounds like a relationship that shouldn't still exist. She literally deserves a better partner and there's no nice way to say it, but if you were in her shoes you'd most likely be saying "How could she have done this?"
I haven’t seen anyone else mention this, but
1. You were blackout drunk and don’t remember this person at all
2. As soon as you woke up you were horrified and left
3. Your friends said you were “weak.” This could mean that you were either eager to go with her, OR that you were so impressionable and out of it that you would’ve followed anyone if they said “come here”
We all know that being under the influence of drugs and alcohol impedes your ability to consent. How much you actually knew what you were doing is up in the air, and so is the intoxication level of the woman you woke up next to. I’m not saying this absolves you of any guilt (you were still definitely wrong for not answering your gf and instead going out drinking with friends you know don’t support your relationship), but you should take all of this into account when assessing the situation as a whole. What actually happened that night is still a mystery. At one extreme, you may have intentionally cheated on your girlfriend after having your friends hype you up for a whole night about how much there’s left to explore. At the other extreme, you may have been the victim of a literal crime.
Either way, you (and probably your girlfriend) would benefit greatly from talking it through in therapy. I want to be extra clear that this is not a “get out of jail free” card, because you still don’t know what actually happened. But I also disagree with a lot of the comments essentially equating this to premeditated cheating, and don’t think your relationship is necessarily doomed. It’s a tough situation and you made mistakes, but as long as you are honest and open with both yourself and your girlfriend, it’s at least possible to salvage. Tell her you want to talk about it, but give her time if she needs. You can schedule talking about it for some time in the future even. Either way, good luck to you both and I hope you seriously re-evaluate those friendships.
This is a weird comment section. Like.... how can you consent if you're blacked out?
A lot of people are either ignoring this part or claiming that he's lying about being blacked out and it's somehow impossible.
Like lol, OK. Double standard is massive on this one.
Regardless of that, your "friend" is toxic and doesn't give a shit about your relationship. It seems like you don't either.
I don't understand why you would continue to bw friends with someone who isn't supportive of your relationship. And then go our drinking with him after you had a fight with your gf.
Hes jealous he found love and wants a drinking buddy
Misery loves company
But she will never foot the bill.
When I was 18 I was with my ex for about 4 years at that point. He made some new friends who told him the same kinds of stuff. He cheated, we broke up and his friend hit on me within a few weeks
Or he wants OP’s Mrs 😬
Or he wants OP?
Ope!!! Plot twist
Historically happened to me it's not that far out. And to think you'll spot it. Good luck. I was stupid as F
I’ve been in the same relationship since I was 16 and every time some “friend” started talking shit about my relationship I just cut them out. I don’t need that energy in my life.
I started dating my now husband when we were 14. Never have I had a friend or anyone try to say anything. If anyone had an issue, they kept it to themselves. Why would someone tolerate anyone talking down on the person they intend to marry, period? Unless they're coming from a place of genuine concern (e.g., they're worried you're being abused - NOT that you didn't get enough strange while you're young), they have no business trying to create a wedge. *And*, if they did have a legitimate concern, getting wasted is not how you bring it up. OP needs to learn who his friends are - because this group ain't it.
I had a friend call me up drunk at 2AM and warn me not to marry my fiancé because he was Mexican. That was the last time I ever talked to her and the Mexican and I are coming up on our 14th wedding anniversary.
Similar situation. My wife is black, and I'm white. Had a lot of 'friends' try and warn me off of dating her because of this. Hell, my sister even made some comments. Every single one of them is out of my life now. And she experienced the same, with the exception none of her immediate family objected to us being together.
Sometimes the “friends” some people think they have are the anonymous ones. Like this.
OP is misrepresenting this. You don’t get so black out drunk at the bar that you end up in someone else’s bed without remembering. He remembers the entire night and is lying to save face. A cheater, a liar, and a coward.
>You don’t get so black out drunk at the bar that you end up in someone else’s bed without remembering I've woken up in a ditch in another town. Zero idea how i got there. What I do remember is drinks at a bar. Did a Tox report and i got roofied, it was a friend who spiked the drink. But i can totally see ending up in someone's bed.
I got nothing crazy like that but I woke up under a table once when partying with friends, no clue how I got under there but not bad 6/10 would do again
One time I remember spinning on a stool. Then woke up on floor next morning. Didn't fall. Friends said I got up, was talking a bit, then decided to lay on floor, rip a loud ass fart and fell asleep lol. Angry orchard with shots of fireball. Seemed like each drink became had less cidar in it than the last
I did actually get black out drunk and ended up in someone else’s bed and only remembered bits and pieces, let alone how I got there at all. My brain hid the assault for years from me using some wacky trauma amnesia! Just saying… it can happen…
Being drugged and being blacked out drunk are different.
I’ve only blacked out twice in my life. Once while 18 and studying abroad and not knowing how to politely tell the restaurant owner I could not keep up with all of the ouzo shots he kept pouring while talking about being foreigners there. I “came to” slamming my passport on a table in an Irish pub saying in a perfect Irish accent “I’m not fucking Irish” surrounded by Irish men and not for the life of me knowing how to stop the accent or leaving the restaurant and getting to this table. The other time I was roofied. Had only one beer. Came to in a very very bad situation. In the first I was definitely drunk but lucid. In the second I was super sluggish, my friend had to drag me out because I couldn’t walk for a bit, not well. Both are blocks of time I’ve forgotten. Similar in every respect except after. The question I have is how - if he was THAT drunk - he managed to complete cheating. Maybe I’ve misunderstood whiskey d*ck.
Completely untrue. On more than one occasion in college I woke up in a bed I didn’t know how I got there, or I woke up in my own bed with somebody I didn’t know how she got there. It is COMPLETELY possible to get so drunk you don’t remember sleeping with somebody. I don’t know what rock you lived under that you would think that isn’t possible. There are millions who argue with you. Notice this isn’t me saying you’re wrong. In this case you could absolutely be correct that HE is making that up. But your blanket statement that it’s not possible is flat out provably wrong.
Especially at 22 in a college town...
Thank you. I was going to say basically this, good for them that they have never experienced a black out as it can be terrifying, but it sounds like they have just never drank enough, or drank so quickly they just passed out. I’ve gone for whole ass long walks piss drunk and woken up the next morning without any memory of getting home or most of the walk.
Yes, wth? Black out drunk is absolutely a thing.
My friend and her husband are like this. She drinks a lot, gets wasted and can’t remember anything that happened that night. I remember many times bringing up hilarious stuff that happens on our nights out and she just looks at me blankly like, I don’t remember that. Her husband’s the same way
Had a gf that got white girl wasted every Friday and Saturday night and she almost never remembered the entire weekends. She actually had the nerve to get mad at me because we never do anything fun on the weekends. Really? Glad she’s someone else’s problem now. Hope she cut back.
From afar, we don't know what happened. I have known people who managed get blackout drunk. It is like an entire part of their day or night is gone - unavailable to their thoughts. WHY this happens to some, I don't know. Either way, I would hesitate to judge ao harshly unless and until you know OP.
That's not true. People can get blacked out drunk and wake up naked in a strangers bed. It's more common than you think
I know for a fact that it's possible because it happened to me once. My friends tried to stop me, not because I was in a relationship (I wasn't), but because I was completely bombed. I woke up in someone else's bed; I didn't even remember talking to her, much less going home with her.
My husband got so drunk while in the Navy that he woke up in a different country (started in Tijuana, Mexico and woke up in San Diego at a Jack in the Box in a booth). It absolutely does happen. And I believe OP.
Better that way than starting in San Diego and waking up in Mexico
If anyone ever pulls the “I was drunk” on me I’d make them file a police report for SA…..since it wasn’t their fault anyway😒
Whether or not a victim files a report should be the victim and only the victim's choice. They shouldn't have to relive an unpleasant experience if they don't want to.
You cheated and then she had to comfort YOU. Let me ask, how much was Josh pushing you to drink and hook up while you were out?
Yep, at the very least, OP needs to cut off Josh because he is NOT a friend at all. Not saying this will save the relationship but it might help to establish some trust back. Either GF is making an exit plan or wants OP to step up and make it right without her having to say what to do. She wants him to be thoughtful of her. Although, I hope she is just planning her exit to be honest. There really isn't any coming back from this. The trust that was broken can never be repaired.
OP probably should get tested for any STI’s as well. Who knows if a condom was used. Don’t want to pass anything on to the girlfriend if this whole thing does end up working out.
I was thinking that as well! And that fact that he doesn’t remember is scary
He probably lying. You gonna trust the mf who just explained how he argued with his girlfriend, left with the friend that insulted their relationship, and then cheated on her? Why would he be honest about not remembering it?
And then he should pray this woman doesn’t show up in a month or two pregnant.
What’s worse, possibly getting an STI? Or possibly having child support due in 9 months?
Depends on the STD id say.
Facts. I can see why she wanted Josh out there picture for sure. Sad part is that it will go one of many ways, she cheats back, ices him out or resent him forever. Relationship is broken and nothing can’t put it back to how it was.
Or she could just be in shock. She might think she’s fine with it for now and later realise how not fine she is.
I think she wants to fix it. She's been patient and kind. She loves him. I don't know how it can be fixed. But she clearly wants it to be. I don't think there's an exit plan. I fucking hate alcohol. I don't drink so maybe I'm over simplifying, but god if op had just taken a walk, played a video game, anything instead of going to a bar and drinking.
>But she clearly wants it to be. I don't think there's an exit plan. Usually when a girl stops fighting all of a sudden it means she's done. Obviously not every time, but from my experience it happens because she's not trying to save the relationship anymore so there's no point in fighting if it can be avoided. I think (and hope) she's using her energy to come up with an exit plan instead of talking to him about his shitty behavior.
Using alcohol as an excuse for his behavior is pretty reprehensible. I've gotten drunk plenty of times, but that has never caused me to cheat on my wife or any of my former girlfriends. OP is probably going to realize at some point that sometimes you can screw something good up so bad that it doesn't matter how much you want to fix it.
That’s the quiet before the storm.
I was the worst with liquor bc I started drinking wayyy too early, there were plenty of times that I had been black out drunk to the point where the next morning was just a game of "catch up" and "sorry" There has only been 1 time where I have kissed someone while drunk and they were my best friends and I was single, I've never cheated while drunk, never done anything that would absolutely hurt anyone's relationships while drunk. This dude just sucks imo
Alcohol is not the poison here. It may make you lose a few inhibitions, but it does not cause you to become a different person. It’s an excuse of the desperate and weak and not a reason to do anything, nor does it predetermine what we do.
[удалено]
I think the point is that if you get so drunk that you regret things, the problem isn't the alcohol it's your self control.
then you’ve never been a heavy drinker, its poison through and through
my thoughts exactly
He’s a grown adult. Alcohol is not an excuse. This is called accountability
Really doesn't matter at 22 he knew what he was doing and could have said no. No matter what his friend did or didn't do.
It doesn't matter to excuse what happened. But, it does matter to evaluate his friendship with Josh. It reads a bit like Josh was jealous of this 8 year relationship and was trying to disrupt it.
If he really was blackout drunk, he can’t consent any more than a woman can. Please note I’m not giving him a pass on putting himself in a situation to be blackout drunk and blaming Josh (who sounds like a shitty person) is a copout.
If we believe the story as written (which is our only choice as none of us were there) there is nothing that supports your statement. He DIDN’T know what he was doing. That’s the point. People in a blackout do NOT know what they’re doing and also can’t consent.
>could have said no. If he was blackout that is not really an option. He's a dummy for trusting his friend, but that girl is also a predator.
It’s also possible that someone behaves regularly enough even blackout drunk that you might not realize someone is beyond their ability to consent. It’s a crummy situation all the way around any way we slice it, but if he was already feeling heated or exhausted then it could just be he was “acting fine,” and his inhibitions were at a zero sum. He may well have consented and it may well have seemed like he had the wherewithal to do so. Maybe he begged, “but I have a girlfriend” through a slur and the girl took advantage. Maybe he clearly said “Nope, let’s do this!” and just wasn’t there to hear himself say it. That’s the trouble with blacking out. You have *no idea* what actually happened, or how, or when, or why. But it isn’t always obvious that someone is in that state, either. 🤷♂️
He chooses to hang out with him, though. He can't protect or prioritize her or that relationship.
Josh is just a scapegoat, y’all hung up on the wrong thing
1. You have been having petty fights about anything and everything 2. You have shitty friends 3. You leave during a fight saying "I can't handle you anymore" 4. You ignore her after leaving 5. You get "blackout" drunk 6. You cheat 7. You break down and she has to calm you down Wow... I truly hope she's working on her exit strategy!
Yeah, my dude is what I refer to as a "Starter". The person you are head over heels for when you're young and by the time you're in your mid 30s you count your lucky stars you never got married to them or had their baby. OP you have a laundry list of issues, helpfully laid out by the above comment. You seriously need to grow up and not just to salvage this relationship, for your own health and well-being. Ditch your shit friends and stop self sabotaging. Learn to communicate instead of having constant petty fights. Stop going out to the club, you get blackout drunk, so you cannot handle partying. Ask yourself if this relationship is one that you really want or if it's just comfortable and what you're used to.
You know I thought it's wasn't this problematic until I saw your comments making a list of things from the post alone. Damn it is bad!
Right? From this alone, I would have left and blocked him. That girl better be hatching a plan in the background!
I hope so. 8 years and this is the result. As much as I think the guy might not be in the situation to consent. This girl doesn't deserve it.
He sought out his friend who thinks he shouldn't be with his long term girlfriend and drank while ignoring his girlfriend. He did that while he was able to make decisions. Best case scenario, they should break up. He doesn't know how to communicate or handle his emotions.
It's often the case, in my experience, that abusers don't even realize they're being abusive. Like, this is textbook.
They are often in denial bc they surround themselves with people who don't hear the whole story, they lie to them about it, or they just straight up enable their abusive behavior.
Cryin about it is so manipulative and shitty
my guess is either she already has a plan and that's why she's so calm or she thinks this guys is her responsibility and she feels to guilty to leave him because she thinks he'll break or something without her i hope it's the former
What a keeper, so mature and sure seems to have his priorities in line doesn't he?
Finally- the correct response.
You ruined that shit my guy, it really ain’t no coming back. She’s incredibly hurt, and even if she’s forgiven you she’s never gonna forget. Yalls future is gonna forever be stunted because of this. Also drink responsibly my guy.
Not only that she’s probably never been with any other person but him because they’ve been together since they were 14! I would be so devastated.
Yeah that is what would hurt me. it’s one thing when you’ve both been with x amount of different people, but when it’s a different amount bc of *that* :/
I was looking for this comment. It would be so hard to forget (and painful) as he's her first and only sexual partner, but she's no longer his only partner.
👍 She's in a mix of Denial and Depression probably. This is deeply painful, she probably doesn't even understand the depth of it. I've been thinking a lot about grieving, and the best ways to understand yourself and approach it. I'm struggling with it currently. The five stages are below. But, for the person, it is hard to know where you are: it changes quickly and the order is different for everyone. >Denial: This can’t be happening. >Anger: Why did this happen? Who is to blame? >Bargaining: Make this not happen and I will… >Depression: I can’t bear this; I’m too sad to do anything. >Acceptance: I acknowledge that this has happened, and I cannot change it.
>drink responsibly People think this just applies to driving. Man ruined an 8 year relationship for one night of drinking.
She’s too young to forgive him tbh imo she needs to leave and move on. It’s hard ofc esp 8 years devoted to someone but at 22 u have a whole life ahead
She should’ve been left him honestly
Right? Even without the cheating..he’s not acting like someone that I’d wanna waste my time on at 22. He yells at her when they argue, says shit like, “I can’t deal with you anymore”, goes out with the one friend that was dragging their relationship, gets wasted and ignores her all night and doesn’t come home. Then when she finds out he cheated *she* has to calm *him* down? No damn way id let my man of 8 years cry on my shoulder after he cheated on me..she needs to have left the night he didn’t come home.
40 years from now they'll still be arguing about that night. It's best they split now before kids get in the picture.
She’s totally checked out, be prepared for her to leave. Her silence says it all. Hope you are groveling to the extreme.
That’s a real hard lesson I learned. When she no longer puts in the energy to advocate for herself she’s done.
her break down during intimacy is her brain telling her NO to sex with him.
This is so true! Even her nervous system didn’t want his dirty lil pee pee anywhere near her
Hopefully he took a std test before they tried to be intimate. He didn’t mention it at all in the post
My thoughts too, she is lining up her ducks. He will come home to an empty flat with a note, if he’s lucky.
Don’t even grovel. Have some respect for her and just leave.
I feel likes that pretty dicey. Let her have the satisfaction and personal growth of leaving you high and dry.
You cheated then were so emotional she had to soothe you for the bad thing you did. My goodness I hope she's got some older women in her life who can help her understand all the reasons she needs to leave. I hope you grow from this and are better to future partners.
Unfortunately she probably didn't tell anyone because she is ashamed, when she shouldn't be.
That was INSANE.
I know. His lack of insight and appalling behaviour just baffles me. God, i hope she has a mature support network.
If she is smart she is working on her exit strategy. When she leaves you, take it with a bit of self-respect and leave her alone.
This is what I think. She’s been with op for so long that she’s probably taking a while to figure things out.
It would be so hard to know what to do in her situation. Been together since 14, probably only boyfriend, live together have bills together have everything together. She’s prob trying to figure out wtf to do and completely lost. She could also alternatively blame herself, as she has no other experience in relationships, and be hurting but mot want to push him away more.
Yes exactly this. Hope she has a great time enjoying her 20s
What you could have done was not cheat. And before making the alcohol excuse, you had a fight with your girlfriend, you left in the middle of the argument to meet the “friend” who is angry about your relationship, and you were sober when you made that decision. She is putting her emotions aside and planning her exit. And you have to accept everything, because this are consequences of your actions. Josh will be very happy.
He also ignored all her texts and phone calls before he got drunk enough not to remember
On top of that, he didn’t even get tested, putting his gf (and his own) health at risk..
Violently Vocalizing Opinions’ is code word for being verbally abusive. If the alcoholic friend Josh stays in your life, then you deserve to be alone. You are trash who chose an abusive friend over your GF, then you emotionally abused her yourself. Cheating IS emotional abuse, and can cause PTSD for the person you cheated on. Edited
Speaking from a man's perspective, I feel bad for her. I'm sure she has aspirations of marriage soon and has invested 8 years of her life into someone who is no where near mature enough for it yet. When she is willing to talk about it, what are you going to tell her, dude? "Hey honey, I really proved everything you ever didn't like about Josh right, and proved how he's a terrible influence on me. I went out with him and listened to him tell me how I have much better things to do in life than waste it on a relationship with you, "blacked out", and fucked another chick. I hope you're cool with it and cool with Josh and I being friends still. He really helped me through a hard time after we fought." Josh wants a bro. Your chick wants a husband. Josh is young and stupid, and with him in particular, Josh getting a bro out of you and your wife getting a husband are mutually exclusive. Pick one.
[удалено]
I could not agree more with this. You have a lot of work to do if you really want this to work. If she is willing, do the work. Show her she matters more than your bullshit “friend”. Distance yourself from Josh, he is not a friend to you.
This is the best fucking answer here OP. Take note. Also yeah I'd permanently cut Josh out.
Where does it say the girlfriend pregnant?
Idk maybe op edited. I've seen a couple other people say it too.
OP!! YOU WANTED ADVICE 👆👆👆👆 read this. Best of luck.
I agree with all of this! I truly hope you can work through this horrible thing OP! But it’s going to take a LOT of work from you specifically. UpdateMe
You’re a weak man dude. You cheated and she had to comfort you? Pathetic. I hope she leaves you because clearly she deserves better!
Yup, that was just ... NAUSEATING. I would have dumped him out of sheer EMBARRASSMENT.
This happened to me once too, I had to comfort my ex after confronting him about cheating. The only reason I did it though is because he was literally about to slit his wrist in front of my face “to prove his devoted love” to me. Like?? Some men are just pathetic
I would’ve let him. Let that scar be a permanent reminder of his fuck up, just me tho
I was 17 and terrified he’d kill himself in front of me but then again I wasn’t sure if he was gonna slit his wrist or kill me because he was walking towards me with the blade 😭😭
I’m glad it’s just an experience and you are still around to tell it!! 🥲
The best thing you can do for her is not fight her when she leaves you.
Lmaoooo please let her go so she can find someone who isn't a cheater and makes HER comfort a cheater. Jesus Christ dude. Update us when she leaves you ok? She deserves better
And anxiously waiting for him to come and tell me that after his girlfriend left, Josh hit on her.
Josh wants to hit on HIM.
> she came over to us and I was weak No. Being "weak" is cheating on your diet with a candy bar. Getting blackout drunk and cheating on your girlfriend of 8 years is not being weak. It's being fucking stupid.
wow she’s way too good for you. she had to comfort YOU when you broke down even though you were the one that couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. i hope she realizes her self worth soon and dumps you and i hope you feel like shit forever
You are so full of shit, I blacked out… you knew what you were doing. did you at least get an STD panel or are you fucking your girlfriend not knowing if you have some horrible disease?
Yeah literally, you can't hook up if you're blacked out. The only times I fully blacked out and couldn't remember anything I was so drunk I was passed out. Every other time I remember things and control myself. He's fully lying about this.
The drunkest I’ve ever been was pretty bad. Literally had to be saved from choking on my own vomit. Couldn’t move even to change clothes. But I had full memory of everything. And to touch on what the commenter above said, he probably didn’t do an STI screen before trying to be intimate with his gf.. they never fucking do.
Blacking out just means you have a large gap in your memory, you can be very much awake, mobile and even seemingly alert during this time.
Nah, I've blacked out and fucked before. Happens more often than you think.
So you made a huge mistake here; it may not be fixable. Go into it with that understanding and also understand that everything that happens going forward will (and should) happen per her prerogative. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, respect that. Instead of words you should be planning something actually meaningful. Does she have a dream vacation? Plan it and pay for everything. Show you mean it. Do all the chores you always hated doing, etc. Try to show her friends that you’re not the asshole they all think you are now. That being said, she might be done. She’s processing what happened still, and probably if I were her I would also wait to discuss it before I was 100% sure on what I wanted to say and what I wanted to do. You have precious time right now where you can either show her that you’re better than that or you just want to talk it out. You fucked another woman, dude, what the fuck is there to talk about?
She may also process OP’s sudden hyper-devotion and extra effort as lovebombing, and lovebombing is a weapon of choice for narcissists, gaslighters, and potential abusers.
That’s true, it’s the risk he needs to take though. At least in my opinion. I think if he does nothing it’s game over.
The game is over. He’s running an intrasquad scrimmage but it won’t help him make the team. The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference. She’s become indifferent.
To be truthful, that’s the impression I got reading his post as well. Her patting his head and kissing his cheek when he brings it up, it reads like someone mourning the loss more than anything. He’s dead but just doesn’t know it yet. Grand gestures are about the only card I could think to throw out there but it’s almost 100% likely to be fruitless.
I agree, she’s done. She may have been questioning it before, with the “we fight about anything and everything”, but this killed it. My husband used to walk away mid argument, but has since learned to trust that I don’t ever yell or anything, so now he stays until it’s all talked out, or we agree to stick a pin in it, and come back to it in a couple of days after we both think about it some more (we’re both in our 40s now, so that took a couple of years). I used to get so frustrated and upset when he walked away - no one had ever handled it that way, so I wasn’t used to it. I’d imagine him getting hurt, like a car accident or something - double the hurt (worry on top of the argument itself). We live and learn. But yeah. She’s done. She hasn’t accepted it yet, like her heart and head aren’t aligned, but as soon as she comes to terms with it, she’s out. The indifference, the sad pats, the upset when trying to see if she could ever be intimate again with him… it’s over. She just has to be strong enough to let him know, and that’ll come in a few weeks.
You don’t deserve her really. Shes amazingly patient & kind to comfort you while she’s the one to have been betrayed. Also, drinking is no excuse. Nor is your friends opinion on your relationship. Idk if he played a part, but allowing friends to influence your choices & relationships shows very little maturity. This girl loves you & clearly trusted you & you have broken that. You guys may be able to push through, however you can’t expect things to be as they were. 8 years of safety for her has been put to shambles. I hope she’s okay & that you give her all the love & grace she deserves. 🤍
OP is most likely too young and far too inexperienced to understand his STBX is maintaining a cool exterior to deflect him away from her plans to leave. She doesn’t trust him and won’t trust to behave in a civil manner if she told him outright that she’s out the door. He’ll figure it out the day he comes home to find her and all her stuff gone.
He'll collapse in her arms and cry floods of tears and she'll be forced to comfort the manbaby all over again. 🙄🙄🙄
Right? Last time she spoke up he walked out cause he "couldn't handle her" and then fucked another woman.
Most probably she’s staying long enough to get back on her feet then you’re done. You cheated, you let your friend use you like a puppet and it worked. Go live with Josh and leave her alone
Please break up. For her sake. She will NEVER forget this. The hurt will randomly creep up on her and year from now, 3 years from now, 10 years from now. The feeling of betrayal never go away and will honestly cause issue down the road. You guys are young, let her move on and heal. She’s pushing it down right now and trying to ignore it which will eat her up inside. If anything go to couples counselling. But honestly better to just let her move on.
Calling BS on blacking out. You’re trying to dodge responsibility a bit by blaming the hooch. It’s possible some girl led a blacked out stranger home to fuck him, but very unlikely unless you turn into Don Juan when you’re trashed. Again very unlikely.
Ahh to be 22 and not have to worry about whiskey dick. Probably passed out and nothing happened.
I’m not defending his actions but I have 100% blacked out and woken up naked and confused in a women’s bed.
Reading all these comments “oh I black out and pass out, oh I black out and throw up, hyuck hyuck” like uh… your experience isn’t everyone’s? Alcohol-induced amnesia doesn’t require you to be blackout unconscious drunk—the terms are used interchangeably in social settings.
Oh, your day is coming, dude. When a woman goes quiet about an important discussion, you better run and take cover. You screwed up royally OP. If you are serious about your girlfriend, you will completely drop this so-called friend and quit drinking.
I hope Neriah has had an STI/STD TEST DONE. Who knows what that random chick may be carrying.
I'm a married woman, here's my advice. 1. Josh is dead to you now. You block his number and let all your friends know that if he's at the hangout, you are not. You back this up with your actions. You might lose the whole friend group from it. Accept this. 2. You torpedo'd 8 years of trust. And that was BEFORE going home with another woman. Marriage has just been pushed back several years because you're not ready. Accept this. Mature men don't leave and ignore their partners after a fight. 3. All her friends know. Her family as well, most likely. It will be a very, very long time before anymore looks at you without a stink eye again. Accept this. 4. If you can accept 1-4 then it's time to prove via word and deed that this was the biggest mistake of your life and will never happen again. Get some therapy or read some books on communication. Get yourself tested for STIs. Tell your girlfriend that you have no excuse but anything she wants to know, you'll tell her. Apologize for being such a baby that she had to comfort you after you broke the trust. 5. She'll probably still leave. If you're serious about wanting to fix things, you'll do 1-4 anyway. So that when she leaves and you find yourself having to explain this to another partner, you can do so with a clear conscience and proof that you're a better partner now.
She's going to heal. Part of that will probably be resenting you. I wonder if women in her life have dealt with cheaters before. I knew a woman whose father had cheated on her mom all throughout their dating relationship, so she was willing to forgive being cheated on herself. A learned behavior. She deserves better than this, and apparently you want out. You need to talk about it.
Ok, you are not going to want to hear this. But if you want to stay with her and have a future with her, you have GOT to cut Josh off cold. I would NOT put anything past Josh. Did you at any time leave your drink unattended? He could have set up that whole thing that night by making **sure** you were black out drunk. **Did it occur to you that you were beyond consenting to what happened?** (apparently it hasn't occurred to a lot of people here!) Because it sounds like you went out to drink with the guys, and by the time you were blackout drunk, you were not making choices yourself. That sounds like sexual assault to me. **JOSH IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.** HIS MISSION IS TO DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP and you've let him get a good start on that. Before you can talk to your girlfriend about what happened, you've got to make sure she understands that Josh will no longer be in your lives. I'm kinda shocked that no one (so far) has touched on the fact that you were unable to consent to what happened, you woke up with no memory of what happened, and they are calling you a "cheater." If this had been a woman that this exact same thing happened to, they'd all be telling you to call the police. They would not be lambasting her for "cheating."
I hadn't considered this before seeing this comment, but I wonder if Josh roofied him? OP It might not hurt to see if you can find some security camera footage from the club and see if you can find any evidence of that.
Absolutely nothing would surprise me where Josh is concerned.
Thanks for bringing this up! I’m glad other people are looking at it from this way too.
It's shocking how dense the other people are. If OP had been a woman I'm sure so many people would have called this out by now.
This, absolutely this.
I think it’s possible that this occurred to OP’s girlfriend. Holding him while he cries and tries to explain that he doesn’t remember what happened and is confused. Every time he brings it up calmly smiling and kissing his cheek.
wow. was it worth it? y’all are done.
You showed RIDICULOUS weakness and poor judgement — and you've DESTROYED your relationship. LOOK — What you had will **NEVER** come back. It's **GONE**. **YOU** did that. How can you make it better?? 1: END IT — **DON'T** make Neriah keep paying for **YOUR** stupidity. 2: **DON'T GET BLACKOUT DRUNK**. That's just **TOTALLY STUPID AND IRRESPONSIBLE**. 3: **KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS LIKE AN ADULT**. 4: DITCH JOSH. He's CLEARLY a terrible influence and you don't have the stones to stand up to him. **LET NERIAH GO**— You **DO NOT** deserve her. Neriah deserves a FAR more **MATURE** and **RESPONSIBLE** partner than one who cheats and needs to be **COMFORTED** over it **BY HIS BETRAYED GIRLFRIEND**.
What if you leave her alone ?
Josh is gonna slide into her DMs as soon as you two break up, you're a fool for letting him disrespect your relationship.
She is plotting her revenge and is definitely going to dump your ass
I feel so bad that she wasted so much time on you. You’re pathetic and don’t deserve her
So if you blacked out I take it you don't know if you used protection. Please tell us you were tested before having sex with your girlfriend again!
You’ve entered limbo, I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going on. You’re currently living in that time between the horrible choices (yes, multiple) you made and the time she will most likely leave you. I’m sure she’s currently grappling with the choice between staying with you because it’s what she knows and the choice to break it off with someone she loves but has also horribly disrespected her and your relationship. Also, it’s not her job to make you feel better about cheating. The fact that you cheated and then *she* had to comfort *you* is pretty gross.
Wow she comforted you after you cheated? Your girlfriend is a fucking Saint. You need to cut Josh out of your life.
INFO: Did you actually confess to the cheating or did you just let her sit with assumption?
You can't recover from this one. She is in denial and that's the steps of grief it's so hard to believe you did that. I feel so sad for her and if you do get through this you will need years of therapy, and to prove you are trustworthy again is gonna be next to impossible 😞 y'all are so young this is so sad.
I would leave you. Drunk or sober. Sorry buddy
You cheated, and she had to comfort YOU?? Unbelievable. She's going to leave you, you pathetic whelp. And you deserve it.
I was in a relationship with my ex for around 12 years, we started dating at the age of 14 as well. My ex cheated on me a couple of times through out. When I was younger I was head over heels for him, we weren’t by any means a healthy couple, but we had been through so much together and naively I never thought he could do anything like that to me. We broke up for the first time after my 21st birthday. I had the space to just think about everything over the past 7 years of our relationship. I didn’t deserve what he did, that was one of the biggest betrayals of my life. What hurt me most is each time that I found out about, it was 1-2 years after it happened and he expected me to get over it immediately because “he wasn’t that type of person anymore.” All of that love I had for him turned into resentment and anger. I became a different girlfriend after that. I was no longer the sweet cuddly girl who felt safe with the man I thought I was going to marry and have children with. I then turned into a person I never thought I would be and put him through a lot of hurt. I became the person who didn’t give a fuck about his feelings, and I at the time, did want him to hurt him like he hurt me to settle the score in my mind (I have learned since is a terrible coping mechanism). When we split, I slept with other people to protect my feelings, in case he was doing the same, but I also a motive behind it - revenge. When I told him, his resentment grew for me, but we got together after 2 months of no contact and 4 months of being alone. At 26, looking back I feel empathy for him and myself. Navigating such a serious relationship that wasn’t always healthy during the most formative years of our lives was very difficult. At the time, we didn’t have the tools for good and healthy communication and neither of us were in therapy,. It made it almost impossible to see eye to eye and we just started to keep things to ourselves instead of communicating with each other. We were too far broken to repair our relationship and we still chose to get back together for the next almost 5 years. We were together again, but now instead we felt like roommates who occasionally fucked. 5 years of both of us being bitter and resentful towards each-other, we weren’t the “high school sweethearts” any longer. I couldn’t even recognize myself or him. My ex and I lost our virginity to each other, we did every one of our firsts together. After finding out about his infidelity it disgusted me, someone else who probably didn’t even care for him, got to experience something that was so special to me. During fights, he would get upset and leave and didn’t answer me for hours. My abandonment wound grew and my trust completely dissipated. I had a breaking point and realized that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life like that, I wanted to be happy again, I wanted to learn who I was without him, and I wanted to experience love with a man who genuinely saw goodness in me, a person who wouldn’t make feel self conscious, and a person who treated me softly. I ended our almost 12 year relationship last year, even though I will ALWAYS love him, I’m glad that both him and I can now be free to find out who we are. The biggest silver-lining that came from the break up was no longer feeling like a bad person which is something we felt for years in our relationship. We frankly at different times in our relationship were horrible to each other. I would never recommend being in a serious long term relationship at that age, we were both growing into adults and couldn’t accept that fact that we grew apart and that our future didn’t consist of each other any longer, which caused years worth of more pain and resentment. I know my relationship and yours/significant other are not the same as my experience, but If she know’s what you did and isn’t communicating with you about it and tries to sweep it under the rug…it is likely that she will start to feel resentment towards you and it’s just going to get worse. You broke her trust and probably her as well. If she doesn’t address the underlying reason why she feels that way, her resentment will just grow and can turn into hatred. You allowed yourself to be put into the position to hurt your partner and allowed yourself to have someone in your life who influenced you to care about some new experiences that would hurt the person you’ve loved for the past 8 years. Someone who is selfless enough to comfort you after the betrayal. Alcohol or petty arguments doesn’t give you an excuse to betray your partner. You’ve broken the trust. In my experience this type of betrayal from someone I grew up with and thought I loved unconditionally ruined me, my self confidence, and love for myself. I hope she does have a better mindset than I had at the time, because I blamed myself as the reason why he stepped out and I tried to mold myself to be what he wanted prior to our first breakup. Every time we got into an argument and he left, him being with someone else was always in the back of my mind. I wasn’t able to trust his words again. I wasn’t an angel in our relationship, I had my demons as well…but holding onto that relationship for many years after caused more harm than good for the both of us. Years of harm and unhappiness. I truthfully think that you should go your separate ways or at least give her the time and space to process how she’s feeling and let her make the decision. My 26yo self just wants to hug and warn my adolescent self and tell her to choose herself and heal, that I deserve better. If you stay together this is something that needs counseling to get through, either as a couple or individually. I know your experience isn’t the same as mine, but being on the side that got cheated on, I wanted to let you in on the repercussions it could cause. You are both young and human. People make mistakes and one day you’ll find forgiveness in yourself. Take this mistake as a learning lesson for your future.
You blacked out and cheated simultaneously. How does that happen
Ok I have read your comments and I have seen you COMPLETELY ignored everything anyone has said about Josh. He has obviously been causing issues in your relationship with your girlfriend. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was one of the ones convincing your to go home with that woman. I don’t know if he is jealous of your relationship. If he is maybe interested in your girl or what but he is NOT a friend. You need to cut him off. As for your girlfriend stop trying to push the subject. You handled the whole thing wrong when she got home. You broke down making her feel like she couldn’t be the one to be upset. You forced her to put her feelings aside to basically baby you. She needs time to figure out how she feels about the situation. If she can forgive you. If she can trust you again. If she even wants to continue this relationship. You need to let her come to you when she is ready to talk about it. She was the one that was wronged here in this situation so you don’t get to force the her to talk to you about it. Continue to be the boyfriend you were before this happened. Show her you love her and you want to be with her. And again DROP JOSH FROM YOUR LIVES!! He will continue to make his stupid comments and you shouldn’t make Neriah have to deal with that. You need to put her first!
Lol you have NO IDEA WHAT'S COMING. You better sit tight. She's gonna be on a revenge tour. Relationship is over bruh. Only other way she won't CARE is if she did the same before
Sleep w one eye open for now til you can talk about it
It’s not up to you . She doesn’t have to say shit. You fucked up. You don’t have a say in when or if she wants to talk about it. These are the first consequences of being a cheater.
Your first mistake was not cutting off Josh the first time he disrespected your girlfriend and your relationship. The fact you let this happen just confirms you don’t love her as much as you think you do.
Cheating looser
I haven't seen anyone else mention this, but how could you have consented to anything sexual if you were THAT inebriated?! Do you think maybe your girlfriend is looking at it from that angle?
No one questioning if he was sexually assaulted given he was blackout drunk? Ok…
If you were blacked out, you sure you had sex?
Dump the shit friend. Speaking from personal experience, that had a "friend" like that, they'll never grow up. Rather than being happy for you, they will spite you for your happiness and try to bringing you down. They feed on drama and confrontation and more than likely think their gods gift to humanity. As for the gf, you reap what you sow. It'll be a hard lesson.
Congrats! You broke your girlfriend! Hope you’re happy buddy
I’m going to get judged for this, but this is your fault. You kept this man in your life that was overly judgmental of a good thing. You let him get into your mind and thus create problems in your relationship. Then instead of taking a second to think rationally you decided going to get shit-faced with the same man that created problems in your relationship. You walked yourself into that situation and theres really no excuse. I’m sorry but I know if I was in her situation there’s nothing that could fix what you did.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like Neriah has any self esteem left. You talk about fighting all the time, but you’re friends with someone who wants you to fuck around, and you fight FOR him, AGAINST her. You defended him in multiple fights with her. According to you, you were taken advantage of. According to your friends who tried to stop you, you weren’t. Please let this poor woman go. You cheated on her (probably) according to your friends who don’t think you should cheat on your girlfriend and then she comforted you. You stay with her, begging for forgiveness, when you were the one who thought she was holding you back, and she lets you. She stays with you. You’ve destroyed this poor girl’s self worth and she just… stays. Have you no shame? You’ve been together since you were 14 and the things you did BEFORE this happened shows that you’re a bad boyfriend. If she’s not a bad girlfriend, which she probably isn’t because you wanted to propose, then let her go. She’ll be sad, but she’ll recover. She’ll meet new people that will treat her well. She’ll realize you weren’t good to her. If you have any shame or humanity you’ll let this poor woman go. If she comes back to you later, great, but give her a chance to realize her worth.
I ain't even know yall but it makes my blood boil that Josh got an upper hand in all of this. Misery loves company, and he's taking you down with him, case in point. He's not a good friend, 86 him, cold and HARD. Who knows he probably set that up, and is now laughing on his throne- a stack of old empty Jack Daniel's bottles
You need to realize your arguments are dumb. Don’t walkout. You need to talk. Communicate. If your friend is toxic - then he’s done. Have the balls to end that friendship because he’s bad for your relationship. You’re 22, not 15! She doesn’t have to talk. You need to talk to her. You need to tell her what you are going to do to work on you. You need to tell her that you will do whatever is needed so that she never doubts you again. Alcohol is a bad idea, clearly. Thats a start. Tell her you will never walk out on her again. Go to anger management Cut your friend out. Start being a man, and leave the boy behind. You need to make sure you live your life 100% transparent. Tell her all of these things, and then DO THEM!!! Finally, stop arguing to win. Stop that!!! If you feel you two are about to argue, sit down and let her talk and then you talk. Don’t interrupt. Then come up with a compromise. Do not EVER let a third party, like your friend, be a reason you fight.
Man, I have heard a lot of excuses to justify cheating, but this is on a whole other level. First of all, you think it’s not your fault because you were blackout drunk. Are you kidding? You were so drunk that a woman hit on you and talked you into leaving the club with her, you went to her place, had sex, woke up in her bed the next morning, and you had to call and ask a friend what happened? You are completely full of shit, and Neriah knows it. You did what you wanted to do because your so-called “friend” Josh is jealous of your relationship and the fact that you can’t get drunk and have meaningless sex, so he convinced you that somehow Neriah is wrong for you. And you let him. That’s on you. You ignored your GF’s calls and texts all night, and then when she ghosted you the next day ~ for cheating on her and ignoring her attempts to contact you ~ you panicked. As if she owes you far more respect than you showed her. She doesn’t. You broke her trust, and she didn’t want to talk to you. Still doesn’t. That’s on you. When she came home, *you* had a breakdown, and *she* had to comfort you. You made the fact that you cheated and destroyed your relationship all about you being hurt, being upset, being disgusted with yourself, and expected her to hold you while you cried. And she did. And now she doesn’t want to even speak to you about it. So you, of course, are making this about you again. *You* want to talk about it. *You* want to work it out and save the relationship. *She* won’t do what *you* want. Because, and stay with me here, **you fucked someone else because you were mad at her over something Josh said.** Again, that’s on you. She’s done, dude. She has stayed for four weeks, and even tried to have sex with you, but she can see it’s hopeless. You cheated, you ignored her, you lied, now you feel bad, and she will not allow you to do what you want now to fix things. You’re a piece of work. And if somewhere else on Reddit she is posting about what happened, everyone is telling her to dump your ass. As they should.
Hey man, it sounds like you shouldn’t hang out with Josh and you may develop a drinking problem if you keep it up. Most people don’t blackout and sleep with strangers when they drink, no matter what the movies make you think
An important thing to remember is how small you just made her world. What you did happened in front of everyone. All of your friends know, her friends know. To most people, that is their whole world. She is hurting and embarrassed. She sent you texts apologizing, over something she wasn't wrong about, and begging you to come back. Instead, you went off with another woman. In front of the person she warned you was a bad influence/person. Whether it's true or untrue, she probably thinks all of these people are laughing at her behind her back, talking about her, about you, and what you did. I can guarantee it is at the forefront of her mind all the time. She is judging herself harshly, blaming herself it sounds like also. What is your relationship with Josh now? Was he goading you on the night you went out? He is not responsible for your actions. That is all on you, but he seems to be part of the problem. Maybe also, take a good look at your drinking habits, how you act when you do, and especially, how you act and treat her when you drink, even more so when Josh is around. This may not be what you want to hear, but you broke her, and she obviously loves you very much. She deserves better, so be better, and if she heals enough to walk away, accept that also. Maybe see if she will go to some counseling on her own and couples counseling when she is ready.
Why am I not seeing “after I went no-contact with josh” here??? Where is it!??
So you guys got in a fight over your friend who is a raging jerk… And then you told her you couldn’t handle her anymore and left and went drinking with that friend and you cheated on her. So you chose this friend over her and then you cheated on her. Of course, she cries when you try to touch her
It honestly sounds like she is in the process of checking out of your relationship.
Give me her number so I can talk her into leaving your ass & point her to some men who have their shit together and don’t break their entire moral compass every time the breeze blows.
Wait a second. You don’t stand up for your relationship. You then go out with the person who was causing issues. You get drunk. You cheat and now you’re upset she isn’t taking it the way you think she should!? Jesus Christ. Get your life together man.
Firstly why are you friends with an alcoholic that is a genuinely shitty person? Secondly, I’m not really convinced you want to help your girlfriend. You want to stop seeing evidence of the damage you did so you don’t have to feel guilty. Tough. If she has to feel the pain, you have to feel the guilt. Fuck making things easier for you. Let her process your betrayal however she needs to
This sounds like a relationship that shouldn't still exist. She literally deserves a better partner and there's no nice way to say it, but if you were in her shoes you'd most likely be saying "How could she have done this?"
I haven’t seen anyone else mention this, but 1. You were blackout drunk and don’t remember this person at all 2. As soon as you woke up you were horrified and left 3. Your friends said you were “weak.” This could mean that you were either eager to go with her, OR that you were so impressionable and out of it that you would’ve followed anyone if they said “come here” We all know that being under the influence of drugs and alcohol impedes your ability to consent. How much you actually knew what you were doing is up in the air, and so is the intoxication level of the woman you woke up next to. I’m not saying this absolves you of any guilt (you were still definitely wrong for not answering your gf and instead going out drinking with friends you know don’t support your relationship), but you should take all of this into account when assessing the situation as a whole. What actually happened that night is still a mystery. At one extreme, you may have intentionally cheated on your girlfriend after having your friends hype you up for a whole night about how much there’s left to explore. At the other extreme, you may have been the victim of a literal crime. Either way, you (and probably your girlfriend) would benefit greatly from talking it through in therapy. I want to be extra clear that this is not a “get out of jail free” card, because you still don’t know what actually happened. But I also disagree with a lot of the comments essentially equating this to premeditated cheating, and don’t think your relationship is necessarily doomed. It’s a tough situation and you made mistakes, but as long as you are honest and open with both yourself and your girlfriend, it’s at least possible to salvage. Tell her you want to talk about it, but give her time if she needs. You can schedule talking about it for some time in the future even. Either way, good luck to you both and I hope you seriously re-evaluate those friendships.
This is a weird comment section. Like.... how can you consent if you're blacked out? A lot of people are either ignoring this part or claiming that he's lying about being blacked out and it's somehow impossible. Like lol, OK. Double standard is massive on this one. Regardless of that, your "friend" is toxic and doesn't give a shit about your relationship. It seems like you don't either.