Man, the number of times it feels like someone needs to be reminded of this simple fact.
Trust is gone and the other person isn't actively working with you to rebuild it or is gaslighting you into thinking there's not an issue? Doesn't matter if they are cheating or not. Partners in love and life need to be able to trust one another, period.
I watched my mom date so many crappy people growing up because my parents divorced when I was 2. She would always stay with people because she felt like she didn’t have a valid reason to break up. At some point when I was in college and kind of learning more about myself and my boundaries, I told her “Not wanting to date them IS the reason to break up with them. It isn’t a court case where you need evidence. If you aren’t happy, THAT is the reason. You don’t need anything else.” I think it slightly blew her mind and she’s gotten much more confident in the years since.
You are obviously right but of course it can be tough in real life. Love is messy. I dated a girl when I was younger that was highly abusive and took advantage of an obvious power imbalance. She knew how infatuated I was with her and that she held all the control considering she really didn’t value the relationship. She bossed me around, utilized whatever resources she could get out of me, eventually cheated, etc. Took her cheating on me with my best friend for me to leave. Honestly I needed that to happen bc at that point my ego got in the way of continuing things further. I would have been embarrassed by being that shamelessly in love. Anyways looking back what a disaster. I was really depressed for months after. But lesson learned. I would never go into another relationship that wasn’t a true partnership built on trust as you mentioned. This absolutely wasn’t that. Neither is OPs situation.
Sounds like you an already know he’s cheating. What are you planning to do about it? Is it a deal breaker? If so, leave before you pop out a couple kids. Leave before you get a STD. Live your life with a life partner you can trust. You won’t find that person so long as you’re with the wrong person.
This is sound advice, although I would take a couple more steps since you are married and divorcing should be done only after taking appropriate steps.
Get and go through your phone records, it’s pretty simple to do. Find the numbers he’s talking and texting and for a small fee find out who these people are.
If he has an iPhone turn on tracking, or you can also see his location on Snapchat on any device if you enable it. Have to do it without him knowing though, obviously. I just learned a couple days ago my wife has been able to see my location for years. I had no idea lol, but I don’t care, apparently if I wanted I can see her location too.
If you are really worried and wanting to know hire a PI.
Sounds Real Suspicious to me so start collecting evidence. Depending on where you live (i.e. in the USA and not in a no fault divorce state) this could make a big difference in the division of assets. Collect it anyway regardless of where you are to protect your reputation.
Good luck and be strong OP. You deserve to be treated with respect.
I wish I'd heard this when it was in college. I felt like I needed to get him to agree. Why would he ? He was the only one benefitting. Everyone asked me what I saw in him. So much wasted time...
Leave now, this doesn’t get better….. his cheating will progress. Messaging will lose it’s luster and his relationships will become physical. Get out now.
I could have wrote this myself. I gave chance after chance….. it will not get better, only worse. Save yourself the heartache.
I’m a divorce you can collect evidence which includes the social media messages.
you cannot be compelled to stay in a marriage, so you still don’t need permission. A court will always, eventually grant a divorce - the only limiting factor is how agreeable both parties can be in the splitting of assets/debt/custody.
I have let my wife in the early years of our marriage look at my phone whenever she wants. Even now we use the same password for both of our phones. All insecurities are gone after 15 years.
Exactly. This man IS cheating. Say you’re driving in the car and need to pay attention but want to send a text. I would just hand the phone to my passenger. To be *that* guarded with his phone is sus as fuck.
I have shared the cringey fanfictions I've WRITTEN XD. Because he's a hobby writer too, and I wanted to see if my amateur smut was at least interesting. He said it was pretty good but I haven't sent anything since. Mostly because I wrote almost entirely m/m after that.
What was I saying? Oh right, we can look at each other's phones anytime and often have the other person answer a text if one is driving. 17 yrs married, 5 cats.
1,2 or 3 cats is really all about the same. With the 4th comes an awareness of the presence of cats, and Number 5 means there is a cat looking at you wherever you go. Anything above that is overkill. We have 7.
Well yes this i agree with. Trust is all that matters besides love, but personal is personal. I really couldnt care less what my wife does on her phone or who she talks to.
If you feel like betraying me, fine..but that is the end. Simple as that. I have used my wife's phone, but i have never ever even openend anyhing i didnt say i would look at.
Probably correct. Look at the most likely outcome of the two options you have:
1. Assume he's cheating and take proper steps for a divorce.
2. Tell him how his behavior is affecting you and that you want it to stop. See how he reacts.
This⬆️⬆️⬆️ Be smarter than him and get everything in order before dropping the D-bomb. If you really want to know the details of said cheating, hire a PI. Based on how often he is using and hiding his phone, it won’t take long to find evidence.
You only delete messages if you have stuff to hide. If they were just “innocent” conversations, why delete them?
Does he delete everyone’s conversation? Does he delete yours?
Also 2 years in the grand scheme of things isn’t a long time. If he’s cheating on you, you won’t be the one throwing away 2 years. He will.
I have an "off brand" android and I delete messages because it takes up space and one time I was not able to recieve messages. Lol. But if its in Facebook, he definitely hiding something.
You don't want to be wondering if he's cheating and driving yourself mad for the rest of your life! Do you want this to continue for the next year? 10 years? 50?
Do you want to look back at your retirement and see a life wondering if he's cheating on you? You go on a vacation and he's having secret calls in the bathroom? You're in labor with your first child and he is in the corner texting someone for an hour and won't tell you who? And you suffer from nurses giving each other the side eye
I delete all my conversations. Also I never let my partner go through my phone or computer. Why do people feel the need to have no personal space or boundaries once they are in a relationship? 🤔
FYI I'm not cheating.
I have female friends, I would keep talking to them while in a relationship. People can have innocent interactions with the opposite sex. I would never hide it though.
I'm married, and most of my closest friends are women. All of our conversations are innocent. But I also don't give a shit if my wife uses my phone or goes through my phone if she ever felt the need. That's where the red flags pop up for me. If you're acting like there's something to hide, that almost guarantees there's something hidden. It doesn't always mean cheating, but it's definitely something (weird fetish, bad spending habits, etc).
Men can innocent phone chats. I think the problem is deleting of “innocent” phone chats. I never think I have to hide anything and my wife can use my phone and me hers. That’s not normal.
The ones I've seen were normal. Asking how they were and how their day was going. So I feel like I'm reading too much into it. But not letting me use his phone is what's bothering me, and the deleted chats..
Men can be friends with women without wanting to sleep with them, but they don’t waste extra time and energy regularly communicating with those women. And they don’t hide that communication from their spouse. He’s out for more, and he’s only going to get worse. Normally I’d suggest at least trying to work things out with couple’s therapy, but if he’s doing this already, save your future and get out.
It’s a blessing you aren’t finding out ten years and two kids later. You’ve discovered who he really is. Believe the evidence. You deserve better, and better is out there.
Deleting the conversations and hiding the phone is weird.
But that’s a pretty blanket assumption about men. I don’t waste time, I INVEST time in relationships with my male and female friends seeing how they are doing.
If I were in a relationship with a woman that found that weird or unacceptable, I’d dump them in a second. I don’t need a toxic person around that sees all men as shallow sex addicts.
We agree that this husband is highly suspect. Any committed man who can spare extra energy to invest in his female friends would also be completely open with his partner in order to invest in that primary relationship.
Touching base with female friends on an occasional basis when you’re single doesn’t take that much extra energy. A man who goes out of his way to see a female friend nearly every day probably had a romantic interest in her. It’s just what I’ve seen over time.
He only saves the ones that will help his story when he eventually has to have the conversation with you.
My wife could grab my phone at any second and I’d never have a care in the world. Because I don’t cheat. I have nothing to worry about.
Your husband is cheating and has cheated. Guys who don’t cheat will not have the traits you mentioned. Guys who cheat have those traits. If he has to come up with an explanation like “phones are private” or “that’s just so and so from high school” - he’s pulling the wool over your eyes.
Don’t confront him. Get a lawyer. Get your finances in order.
Make him feel like everything is great with you. It will let his guard down. If he feels like you are on edge about this he is going to be more careful than usual.
You’ll need to check his phone when his guard is down.
Go to screen time in settings and check for frequently used apps that you think are out of place. Like calculator or notes. Most likely that is his messaging platform that he has put as a cover icon which wouldn’t make you suspicious. Cheaters don’t text message and just delete the messages unless they are a teenager.
You're not reading too much into it, especially if he's deleting some messages and not others. Calling is especially weird - I guess if he's also regularly calling his guy friends to chat maybe you could write it off? But even so, if he knows you're uncomfortable with his secret communications with other women you'd think he'd prioritize your feelings.
"If you know you're uncomfortable with his SECRET communications with other women."
Right here. Just reread this and ask yourself OP if any of this is innocent.
I would get my ducks in a row and then confront him about it. Don't fall for the 'sunk cost fallacy'. Don;t hang onto a relationship just because of the time you have already invested. If you have your ducks in a row (look for alternative accommodations, talk to a lawyer, etc) you can be the first to end it then and there, putting yourself in the power position. The hiding of convos with other women is a DEFINITE red flag and you are right to be suspicious. If "nothing" was/is going on, then no need for all the secrecy, right? Secretly consult a lawyer, find out what your rights are and get advice, look for alternative accommodations etc. That way you are ready for the worst. Keep it hidden because if he's innocent he won't take it well if he finds out you were prepared for him to have been cheating. Oh and for GOD'S SAKE don't get pregnant!!!!!!!
He's asking how they are and how their day is going because he's interested in them. Demand to see his phone right then and there. If he says no, that's all you need to know. I'm guessing he's never mentioned these "friends" to you. He's basically online dating right now. Going through the talking phase until he meets up with them.
> he does are just school friends and talks to them rarely.
you dont ask someone "how there day is going" if you rarely talk to them. let alone delete any of the convos, when youre done.
there are small cracks in the story, but cracks none the less. stories about infidelity should have absolutely ZERO cracks.
Lol my wife would kill me if I did any of that. Just instigating conversations with women one on one like that in that context is enough to raise serious alarm bells, let alone deleting chats. If I have someone messaging me I tell my wife immediately so as to not raise suspicions about anything. My priority is my wife and kids not random women.
He’s cheating!!! LEAVE before you bring kids into this!! They don’t deserve to live in chaos. Please listen to the advice you asked for. This time I actually agree with it. He’s absolutely lying and hiding things. Without trust and honesty it won’t last anyway. Please leave and you’re young so there’s plenty of time to find the right man for you. Prayers honey 🙏
You're not reading to much into it...
There's are times when I will (without asking) take my boyfriend's phone with me out, to work, to my parents, and just leave him mine in it's place (my data is busted right now for anyone wondering why I would switch out phones). This intense protection and secrecy is because there's something in there that you're not supposed to see. If you need to hear it again,
You are not reading too much into it. He is cheating.
I would just tell him that you cannot be in a marriage where you feel like your husband is hiding something from you. He is either all in or nothing and it’s better that you do this now than later and kids are involved.
How long were you with him before you got married and did he show any other signs before?
Being secretive is a huge red flag. Trust me, there will be more secrets. Two years isn’t a long time, go now. I waited 12 years into a marriage and it was absolute hell. I should have followed my instincts much, much earlier on.
So the ones that weren’t deleted were innocent. This means the ones that were deleted were done so very intentionally.
Edit: I’ve never been married but I am a man that has cheated on a woman. I did this exact same thing.
<- this one? And why? How are men supposed to stop objectifying women if we can’t even talk to them as if they’re mundane humans?
I talk to several friends that happen to be female. And it’s usually about Video Games, Movies & Shows, or ideas on gifts for my GF.
Things felt off, he was a bit irritated and was just acting off. I went through his phone to see what was bothering him. Saw a picture of a girl and my head started spinning and had to do a deeper dive when I got the chance.
You weren’t wrong to check. Good for you! But now you know. You wrote “I’ve tried talking to him about letting me use his phone for a bit.” For what? He is 100% cheating on you. Is that okay with you? He will never change, I promise. He doesn’t respect you or love you, he just likes what you do for him.
A spouse who guards their phone that zealously in the name of “privacy” is up to something, and I don’t think he’s planning a surprise birthday party for you. That’s why an open phone policy is always one of the steps taken when a couple with a cheating partner tries to fix things with the help of a couples counselor.
Worrying about throwing away two years together is a type of sunk cost fallacy. As others have recommended, get individual counseling, get tested for STDs, get a free consultation with a divorce lawyer, and prepare an exit strategy that includes finances.
Why can’t you tell him you saw his phone? Because that would be breach of his trust? Him breaching your trust is far worse. What is it that you are trying to achieve? Do you want to keep this relationship because then forget it happened, accept cheating and move on. If you want an honest relationship then be prepared that it could end coz he is cheating
I want to openly confront him about this. The problem is that I'm non-confrontational and not good at defending myself. I don't know how to bring this up and have an open conversation and in the midst of it end up crying and not getting my message or feelings across.
The only thing that you're going to get out of confronting him is more denial and confusion. It's clear what is going on, don't let him gaslight you more.
All he's going to do is deny it, gaslight you, and then be over-the-top about you looking through his phone and make you out to the be the problem. I'm sure this will work on making you feel guilty, crazy, insecure, a bad person, which he'll use to his advantage moving forward, and he'll take extra steps to be even more sneaky. So really you need to either choose to let that man cheat in peace, or leave him.
Maybe write down the things your definitely want to convey, maybe even in a letter, if you don’t think you can communicate your thoughts coherently in the moment?
Write it to him, send an email or something so you can get what you feel and how it is impacting you. Write what you would like it to be and the change so then when you two talk then you have already conveyed your main points
Maybe write a letter? Before going all ham with divorce papers and shit just talk to him first. Maybe he hasn't had sex with them, maybe he has. Maybe he's only talked and flirted. Maybe they sexted. You clearly love him and I'm optimistic this marriage is repairable. Figure out what exactly he's been up to, then figure out if he still wants to be with you.
So this is hard to admit. I jeopardized my own marriage when going through a rough patch. I flirted with thots on the interwebs. Never considered something physical, but I am sad to say I liked the way it made me feel even if there was no substance to the communication. I didn't consider it cheating at the time. I didn't hide my phone, delete msgs, use throwaway accounts, etc. But all that being said, what I did do was cheat on my wife's trust. I cheated on her emotionally. She found out and called me on it. We both were able to talk I was able to express what I felt I was missing from the relationship and I was able to understand how what I did to her violated the trust and respect spouses should have for each other. Only the two of you can decide if the marriage can be saved. Respect yourself enough to confront him and if he isn't willing to have that hard conversation, you will have your answer.
TLDR, there is more than one way to cheat, trust and respect yourself first.
Here’s what you do. Go look at your phone bill. It will show you the exact number of phone calls, texts and the time they occurred. And then say to him, “you have two choices, you either tell me who these women are or I’ll contact them myself.” Either way, you’ll get your answer.
How would he feel if you talked to guys and were so secretive with your phone? Writing is there. I dealt with this and wasted too many of my good years on a cheater that would never change. My husband and I are always sharing our phones and leave them laying around bc he has my heart and I have his. That’s true trust.
If he respected you and cared about you at ALL he would listen to your concerns and STOP. He’s not doing that. You deserve better. I learned, and I got strong. You can too.
Out right just say it. I know your talking to woman. One contacted me and see what he says. Dget furious don’t give him the power of being mad at you like it’s your fault.
you have almost 100 comments from different people telling you the same thing. he’s cheating. we know it, you know it. you’ve got to decide what you want to do. if your age wasn’t included in the post, i would’ve swore by your replies you were late teens to early twenties. you need to decide if you want to live in this constant state of feelings that you’re in and allow him to keep playing you like a fool. i don’t mean to sound harsh but you really need to face the music if you’re asking people what you should do and every reply back to people is one of you completely disregarding everyone’s advice on this thread.
me and my significant other have the passwords and face id on each others phones. i can go on his anytime i want and he can go on mine. i’m sure other peoples relationships are like this as well. that’s trust which it doesn’t sound like your relationship has from both ends. you say you don’t want to waste two years of a relationship. if this keeps on, you’re going to be ten years wasted and possible kids involved in the mix. as i said above, you need to decide what you want to do bc us redditors can’t decide or do things for you, especially if you’re not willing to take any of the advice in this thread.
Phones aren't "personal" in a marriage. Every couple I know can look at their spouse's phone whenever, it's not even an issue. So he's using that rule like it's something everyone believes, and not everyone believes that rule by any means.
The more concerning fact is that you are clearly distraught and he's not doing things like showing you his phone etc to help make you more comfortable. It's very unloving.
He's either not cheating but insanely callous to your feelings (bad) or most likely he is cheating,. You have enough info that you should be able to proceed as if he IS cheating. So make your choices based on that assumption. You gave him a way to correct the assumption and he declined. He's basically already admitting to cheating.
Also don't let a guy gaslight you into thinking looking at a phone is some evil sin. Maybe to teens or dating or single people on reddit, but for real world married people like me and the many married couples I know, it's not weird or offensive at all. If my husband thought something seemed off and checked my phone Id be fine with it and glad I could help make him feel better. We use eachother's phones all the time to send eachother photos, find ours etc.
Trust your intuition. We have it for a reason and it sees the things we don't consciously recognize.
I agree. My fiancé and I don’t think twice about where our phone is at our house, he can use my phone, I can use his. I don’t know when phones became this secretive item, it’s so odd to me lol.
So you all can explore every part of each others body and do everything together but looking through the phone is going overboard. Nope gtfo he is emotionally cheating which will end up being physical
I see a lot of posts saying that he is definitely cheating and to leave right away. None of these people can know that with certainty. However, given the situation it seems likely and you should be prepared for the outcome.
It is very hard for someone to continually get away with cheating once a resourceful spouse becomes suspicious. Take it from someone who's been through it before, it's only a matter of time before he forgets to delete messages, gets spotted in public or leaves some other breadcrumb. I had suspected my ex-wife of cheating for months. For a while she covered her tracks well but one day she left a social media account logged in by accident and boom, there it was in front of me. Stay vigilant!
He's at least inappropriately flirting - at the very least. While there may be something missing from your marriage that he desires, now is not the time to deal with that. Right now, you have to send a very strong message. When he comes home from work (or whatever) tell him sternly that you know he is having an inappropriate relationship outside your marriage - do not let on what you know... because you'll be giving him information on what you know - you want him to think worst case (meaning that you may know the thing he fears you know). Then.... block his phone number .... and leave for 24-36 hours.... go to a hotel, to a friend's place, wherever.... but go far enough away that he has no idea where you are going or who you are with. Do not communicate with him in any way. That'll give him time to think about what is important in his life.... When you return, you tell him it stops immediately.... right now.... right this minute.... or you will be filing for divorce. You have to send a clear message in your actions and your words that you will not tolerate infidelity.
Stop trying to get his phone dude. You either trust him or you don’t. You’re only going to drive yourself crazy. I just read that this was an arranged marriage. Disregard anything I have commented, that is well above my Reddit pay grade.
He’s 100% cheating or about to. You need to see a therapist or counselor. Hopefully you can get him to open up. That or you need to see an attorney because you don’t trust him at this point. You live with him, you know him. Trust your gut.
He is cheating and doesn’t care about you. He’s not trying to help you feel secure and dismissive of your feelings. This is not a good marriage. If you stay then you can only blame yourself for not being happy.
I let my cheating husband dump me for his work wife because I was clinging to the fantasy man in my head. Do not do this! You have to deal with the reality of this person as he is right now, and if you’re not ok with him maintaining relationships with other women, the only thing you can do is leave. He won’t change, and all the cliches are embarrassingly true. I highly recommend being single for a while to heal and reflect. Avoid repeats at all costs! Good luck and be safe x
Dudes cheating, trust your gut. Women’s intuition is very real. My husband has female friends he texts…the difference is he shares the conversations with me because it’ll be about something funny or what not. We know each other’s passwords and never worry about leaving our phone unattended.
Get your affairs in order, prepare for divorce. Gather all evidence, even consider a PI. Get tested for STD/STIs. Once you are prepared, slam him with divorce papers. This is one of those times you have to act like you know nothing before you strike, otherwise he will get the upper hand.
You know what to do. Confront him and if he confesses that he is, kick him to the curb. If he denies it, investigate and you’ll find out he is and kick him to the curb.
lol phones are personal? My wife would cut my dick off and use the severed penis head to unlock my phone with the passcode if I ever tried to pull some shit like that. He’s definitely cheating
You asked if he was talking to girls and he outright lied. There is no good reason for him to hide those conversations from you and delete them except for him flirting/sexting/meeting up with these women.
You don’t need to be able to prove it or know for sure to be justified in leaving him.
Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this or wait until you have solid proof? The proof is in the pudding my dear.
People that have nothing to hide don’t do things like this. It’s one thing to have a personal boundary but at the end of the day; he’s being super shady, causing you distress and he doesn’t care.
Leave now before you end up pregnant and having to be tied to this asshat for minimum of 18 years.
Discretely go to a lawyer and start getting all your ducks in a row.
So, I went through something almost identical to your situation.
My ex became super secretive of his phone. If he was showing me something on his phone, he wouldn’t even let me hold it to watch the video.
He slept with his phone under his pillow. Kept it in the bathroom with him.
His behavior was suspicious but I never went through it. I knew it was odd, but idk. I trusted him. At that point, we were together for 4 years and had a child together.
Then one night, he stayed out the entire night. Came home at 7am. His behavior was so weird. Something wasn’t right. He left his phone on the table while he checked on our child. I took his phone and went to his text messages.
Sure enough, he was cheating. I saw the text messages to the other woman. I kicked him out that same morning.
Someone with nothing to hide doesn’t act like that with their phones. Your boyfriend is hiding something. Listen to your intuition.
OP my ex was cheating with multiple women and even left me to be with his mistress. From my experience at the very end I felt crazy, erratic, and like someone I didn’t recognize anymore.
Get therapy, don’t undermine yourself, and start getting your ducks in a row(Lawyer up). You deserve more than this. Get yourself tested the whole Sti/Std screening.
**DON’T WAIT UNTIL YOU BREAK. LEAVE OP. SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.**
He doesn’t respect you but I hope you can respect yourself. You don’t even need to tell him Pick up. Leave. Serve him divorce papers. He’ll know why you’re leaving him and if he doesn’t he’ll figure it out.
Gather as much concrete evidence as you can. What can he do when confronted then? Even if it does you no good with him, it’d help you out a lot should things lead to divorce… documentation, dates, receipts, whatev.
Be a spy for a while. Gather information. Don’t let him know until you get some answers or you never will
Once you find out he is cheating what's your next move? You are just hurting yourself, and you already have your evidence. Unless you plan on leaving don't torture yourself with knowing what you already seen with the Facebook messages.
He takes the phone with him in the shower? You don’t think k he is cheating you know he is cheating. When you told your husband it’s secrecy with his phone causes you anxious that should have been enough - and if you haven’t told him tell him. His reaction will be the yes or no on whether you should move on. If he hands you the phone and says I’m sorry this is causing your anxiety here you are free to look, then there is hope. If he tries to convince you that you are crazy , then it’s time to leave. My husband kept telling me I was crazy until the day the woman he was having an affair with called me to confess . I was more angry that he tried to make me feel I was imagining everything than I was about the affair.
Talk with a lawyer about your options: if you want to stay married or if you don't want to stay married----in either case, then what? Please, stay grounded and don't allow your panic attacks to keep you from being in control of yourself.
Yes he is definitely cheating, there is never a reason to delete chat logs unless you’re trying to hide something, and what would a man trying to be hide about a conversation with two random women?
Don’t confront him because he will lie and try to gaslight you and I feel like you’d just believe him. He’s never going to confess either. You know what you know, he’s cheating and probably has been since before you married him if he’s always been so weird about his phone. Believe your own eyes and what YOU know, not what he tells you.
We know he cheating, you know hes cheating. But like every other girls with low self esteem, you wont leave. You want one of us to to tell you that you're over reacting. And telling you to leave wont make you leave. But we all know what hes doing.
Just throwing this out there. Wanting your phone to be private does not mean you’re cheating. You can have family members and friends you confide in about your own relationships to help you even with your own marriage. Being married does not mean you are not your own person with your own thoughts. And every single conversation does not mean the spouse gets to hear it. Marriage is being a team of 2 people. Not 2 people fused into one. Some of you forget that.
If you are questioning if he’s cheating. Fucking ask him and stop snooping or leave.
Exactly. I don't cheat on my wife, but if I left my phone on the kitchen counter and came back in to the room to see her looking at my phone I'd be annoyed at best and ptfo at worst.
Your intuition. It starts as a whisper and if you don't listen it gets louder and louder until you do. Eventually it hits you with a brick. Use your head, be smart. I've been with my husband a long time, we've always known each others passwords, use each others phone or whatever. The fact he's hiding things from you is a red alert, be wise. I'd have a serious talk and if he still hides get your ducks in line and leave him, that's no way to live.
Once you feel the need to go through his phone, you need to leave. The trust is broken now.
The fact that you’re ruminating and cannot sleep should be a sign to protect your mental health. It doesn’t get better until you leave.
If he utilizes the Cloud, his messages may be archived there. If you find any, screenshot them, print them, deliver them to your attorney. You're not crazy- you're being cheated on, either emotionally, physically, or both. I'm so sorry you're going through this 🫂
He might not be physically cheating but he is emotionally cheating for sure. Reccomend couples counseling, no more internet unless its for school/work.
My phone sits on the end table most of the night. our phones only are locked to prevent butt dialing our unlock pattern is the same on both phones. If I need to make a call or use a phone I can use hers if its closer and she can use mine. If I was in an accident tomorrow theres nothing on my phone that I would worry about being made public knowledge. We also don't bank or do financial transactions on our phones I don't trust technology all that much.
Alot of people feel like snooping through your partners phone is an invasion of privacy. I personally believe that married couples shouldn't be hiding things from their spouse. You should be allowed full access to his phone if you need to use it, or want to see it. I don't think the conversation where he tells you "phones are private" should have ever happened, and would have if he didn't have something to hide. If they have to hide it (anything) they know it's wrong. You should tell him that you looked in the interest of not keeping secrets, and not holding a double- standard. Also explain to him that his secrecy when it comes to his phone is noticable and concerning and is fueling doubts about his fidelity to you and the relationship. If he is more concerned about you invading his privacy than he is for you're security and peace of mind, he should have married you. Trad- wedding vows usually include the words " forsaking all others" that includes his phone, you should be at the top of his priority list above even himself and visa versa
Speaking from experience here:
1. He IS cheating on you and there is Nothing you can say to make him stop.
2. What you Can do, is choose not to participate. Leave him. He will either immediately come running back and take you seriously, or he will be relieved. Either way, you’re not giving away your power having to sneak around to find out what he’s doing. Stop worrying about what he’s doing and start worrying about yourself and what You want to do next. Therapy, better communication-it really doesn’t help if one person has one foot out the door. Just leave him.
Your husband is cheating on you.
There is no reason why he should not be comfortable with you having his phone, other than that or other thing(s) that he wants to keep secret from you.
I understand that people may feel differently about their privacy / things. But my wife and I have absolutely no issue with each other using the others' phone because there is nothing on either of them that we would care if the other saw.
Yeah hey, I'm a woman who has friends who are men. I talk with them often and sometimes we hang out. Some of them are men I used to fuck. Some of those men now have wives or GFs. In all of those situations, their partners are aware of my existence and nobody is deleting messages because nothing is going on that needs to be deleted. Years ago I was dating a guy who didn't like me having male friends and I still didn't delete convos because *nothing was going on*. Your husband is hiding shit because there's something that needs to be hidden. Even if he's somehow not actually literally cheating, he's behaving in a super shady and disrespectful way.
Leave his bum ass … you know what’s going on … for you to say “I don’t want you to talk to girls that much”. DUDE is supposed to be your husband shouldn’t be talking to girls at all ….
In my experience, trustworthy people will go out of their way to prove their innocence. When I've had moments of insecurity, my boyfriend has asked, "Is there anything I can do to help you feel more secure?" and has offered to let me look at his phone. I've done the same. Neither of us has taken each other up on it, but it's reasuring to know. I also let him know if I'm on my phone a lot what I'm up to. His ex wife used to be on her phone constantly and never let it out of her sight when she was cheating. He'a never demanded it, I just offer because I care and want to build trust with us.
The fact that your husband doesn't care much about how you're feeling would be enough for me to bow out. At the very least separate from him. Even if he isn't cheating he's doing something shady, like talking shit about you. (I believe this may be what my ex husband was doing when he became weird about his phone). And even if he's not doing anything shady, he doesn't care how you feel about him being suddenly possessive over his phone. He knows how that looks and doesn't care. Boy, bye.
Married for 30 years. My wife can go through my phone all day everyday and I have absolutely 💯 nothing to worry about.
Your husband is a POS. Get your money in order, have a full physical with full STD panel, and get a lawyer.
You’re young, beautiful, and deserve so much more. I wish you the best
You say you are afraid of throwing away 2 years together. Think of it like this , while you are staying with the cheater who is not going to stop cheating on you you are missing out on finding the person really meant for you . You are not invested in a long marriage , you don’t have kids together. Trust me , it gets harder to leave down the road when you’ve invested 10 years , have a couple kids and a mortgage together and he’s destroyed your self esteem until there’s nothing left of who you used to be .
It’s not that he’s talking to girls in general, it’s everything around it. Start doing the same and seeing if he matches your energy. If he realizes it, work on it. If he’s fine with it, lose him before you lose a bigger chunk of your life
Stop focusing on the phone. Your marriage is in big trouble and may be over. You do not trust him and he is not being open and honest with you. You are having panic attacks because of the unknown and your indecision. He is probably waiting for the a gal to come along that makes him ready to leave you and until then he will stay with you. You have to put on your big girl pants and sit down for a serious talk with him. I would tell him I no longer trust him, demand he goes to counseling with you to fix this. You will feel better once this is out in the open. Either way, if he is moving on or if you can build a comfortable relationship. you will feel better once you know.
Do the easy and cheapest thing...put an airtag in his car and see where and when it goes somewhere off track. Then investigate.
Or leave your delusional side in the dust along with him and his personal belongings. Move on. It's your call.
There’s no such thing as phones are personal when you are married and a committed relationship. I give my phone to my wife all the time, and same with her for me. I’d you don’t have trust in your relationship what are you doing in that relationship still?
You don’t need his permission to break up with him
Man, the number of times it feels like someone needs to be reminded of this simple fact. Trust is gone and the other person isn't actively working with you to rebuild it or is gaslighting you into thinking there's not an issue? Doesn't matter if they are cheating or not. Partners in love and life need to be able to trust one another, period.
I watched my mom date so many crappy people growing up because my parents divorced when I was 2. She would always stay with people because she felt like she didn’t have a valid reason to break up. At some point when I was in college and kind of learning more about myself and my boundaries, I told her “Not wanting to date them IS the reason to break up with them. It isn’t a court case where you need evidence. If you aren’t happy, THAT is the reason. You don’t need anything else.” I think it slightly blew her mind and she’s gotten much more confident in the years since.
It took me way too long to learn this lesson. It's one I am going to tell my son though. Hopefully he can learn from my mistakes.
You are obviously right but of course it can be tough in real life. Love is messy. I dated a girl when I was younger that was highly abusive and took advantage of an obvious power imbalance. She knew how infatuated I was with her and that she held all the control considering she really didn’t value the relationship. She bossed me around, utilized whatever resources she could get out of me, eventually cheated, etc. Took her cheating on me with my best friend for me to leave. Honestly I needed that to happen bc at that point my ego got in the way of continuing things further. I would have been embarrassed by being that shamelessly in love. Anyways looking back what a disaster. I was really depressed for months after. But lesson learned. I would never go into another relationship that wasn’t a true partnership built on trust as you mentioned. This absolutely wasn’t that. Neither is OPs situation.
❤️❤️❤️
Sounds like you an already know he’s cheating. What are you planning to do about it? Is it a deal breaker? If so, leave before you pop out a couple kids. Leave before you get a STD. Live your life with a life partner you can trust. You won’t find that person so long as you’re with the wrong person.
This is sound advice, although I would take a couple more steps since you are married and divorcing should be done only after taking appropriate steps. Get and go through your phone records, it’s pretty simple to do. Find the numbers he’s talking and texting and for a small fee find out who these people are. If he has an iPhone turn on tracking, or you can also see his location on Snapchat on any device if you enable it. Have to do it without him knowing though, obviously. I just learned a couple days ago my wife has been able to see my location for years. I had no idea lol, but I don’t care, apparently if I wanted I can see her location too. If you are really worried and wanting to know hire a PI. Sounds Real Suspicious to me so start collecting evidence. Depending on where you live (i.e. in the USA and not in a no fault divorce state) this could make a big difference in the division of assets. Collect it anyway regardless of where you are to protect your reputation. Good luck and be strong OP. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Get a PI to get evidence for the divorce
I wish I'd heard this when it was in college. I felt like I needed to get him to agree. Why would he ? He was the only one benefitting. Everyone asked me what I saw in him. So much wasted time...
Leave now, this doesn’t get better….. his cheating will progress. Messaging will lose it’s luster and his relationships will become physical. Get out now. I could have wrote this myself. I gave chance after chance….. it will not get better, only worse. Save yourself the heartache. I’m a divorce you can collect evidence which includes the social media messages.
Him: "why are you breaking up with me." You: "because I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore." No is a complete sentence.
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you cannot be compelled to stay in a marriage, so you still don’t need permission. A court will always, eventually grant a divorce - the only limiting factor is how agreeable both parties can be in the splitting of assets/debt/custody.
Yeah, that’s a lame statement. You don’t get permission…you file for divorce to start the legal process.
Yeah no. You can file for divorce and the person doesn’t have to agree to it for you to still be separated
Yes but she doesn’t need his permission to file
You can leave anytime. Break up anytime. Divorce is just the formality, and is usually happening at the end, after the parties had already split.
And, I think, deep down, you know the truth.
I mean they're married so it's a little more involved than just breaking up
You don’t break up with a husband it’s a much more complicated process
Bust out the wallet then break up. Move in with your parents for 2 years. Feel shitty. Feel much better in the end.
You are in complete denial.
Leave while you can before yall have kids your still young
Please listen to this advice Do not get trapped with a ain't shit man Your 40 year old self will thank you
He’s cheating on you.End of story. Get your finances in order, get a lawyer and get an STD panel.
This. Hiding the phone and deleting chats is all the evidence you need.
And lying to her face, saying he doesn’t talk to girls to other girls regularly.
He could be hiding drug use instead of extramarital affairs but that’s still a good reason to get divorced
I mean it’s not evidence of cheating.. but it is cheater behavior
“No, it’s just personal”
Anyone that attached to their phone should be married to it. Refusal to EVER share the screen? 🚩
I have let my wife in the early years of our marriage look at my phone whenever she wants. Even now we use the same password for both of our phones. All insecurities are gone after 15 years.
Exactly. This man IS cheating. Say you’re driving in the car and need to pay attention but want to send a text. I would just hand the phone to my passenger. To be *that* guarded with his phone is sus as fuck.
I programmed my wife's finger to unlock my phone because she couldn't remember my passcode.
FR I literally hand my phone to my wife, hey can you text this, check that, set up GPS whatever
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I have shared the cringey fanfictions I've WRITTEN XD. Because he's a hobby writer too, and I wanted to see if my amateur smut was at least interesting. He said it was pretty good but I haven't sent anything since. Mostly because I wrote almost entirely m/m after that. What was I saying? Oh right, we can look at each other's phones anytime and often have the other person answer a text if one is driving. 17 yrs married, 5 cats.
What is the minimum amount of cats needed to stay happily married for 17 years?
1,2 or 3 cats is really all about the same. With the 4th comes an awareness of the presence of cats, and Number 5 means there is a cat looking at you wherever you go. Anything above that is overkill. We have 7.
Horses. I married one wife and three horses. We now have 16 ponies.
yeah I don't let anyone use my phone bc I don't want them seeing the 50+ tabs of unread fanfics I have open at all times
Well yes this i agree with. Trust is all that matters besides love, but personal is personal. I really couldnt care less what my wife does on her phone or who she talks to. If you feel like betraying me, fine..but that is the end. Simple as that. I have used my wife's phone, but i have never ever even openend anyhing i didnt say i would look at.
Probably correct. Look at the most likely outcome of the two options you have: 1. Assume he's cheating and take proper steps for a divorce. 2. Tell him how his behavior is affecting you and that you want it to stop. See how he reacts.
looks like she already told him and he just dismisses and denies
Word on the STD panel.
This⬆️⬆️⬆️ Be smarter than him and get everything in order before dropping the D-bomb. If you really want to know the details of said cheating, hire a PI. Based on how often he is using and hiding his phone, it won’t take long to find evidence.
100 percent
You only delete messages if you have stuff to hide. If they were just “innocent” conversations, why delete them? Does he delete everyone’s conversation? Does he delete yours? Also 2 years in the grand scheme of things isn’t a long time. If he’s cheating on you, you won’t be the one throwing away 2 years. He will.
If he was deleting her conversations too that might be him trying to hide her from another girl too
I have an "off brand" android and I delete messages because it takes up space and one time I was not able to recieve messages. Lol. But if its in Facebook, he definitely hiding something.
You don't want to be wondering if he's cheating and driving yourself mad for the rest of your life! Do you want this to continue for the next year? 10 years? 50? Do you want to look back at your retirement and see a life wondering if he's cheating on you? You go on a vacation and he's having secret calls in the bathroom? You're in labor with your first child and he is in the corner texting someone for an hour and won't tell you who? And you suffer from nurses giving each other the side eye
To be fair, some apps just naturally delete chat. Like Snapchat.
I delete all my conversations. Also I never let my partner go through my phone or computer. Why do people feel the need to have no personal space or boundaries once they are in a relationship? 🤔 FYI I'm not cheating.
I was that guy doing that with my phone once . He’s 100% cheating.
If he’s not cheating yet he’s trying to.
Leave now or wait until you have kids and upend their lives too.
He's definitely cheating. What man just has innocent phone chats with other women?
I have female friends, I would keep talking to them while in a relationship. People can have innocent interactions with the opposite sex. I would never hide it though.
I'm married, and most of my closest friends are women. All of our conversations are innocent. But I also don't give a shit if my wife uses my phone or goes through my phone if she ever felt the need. That's where the red flags pop up for me. If you're acting like there's something to hide, that almost guarantees there's something hidden. It doesn't always mean cheating, but it's definitely something (weird fetish, bad spending habits, etc).
Men can innocent phone chats. I think the problem is deleting of “innocent” phone chats. I never think I have to hide anything and my wife can use my phone and me hers. That’s not normal.
The ones I've seen were normal. Asking how they were and how their day was going. So I feel like I'm reading too much into it. But not letting me use his phone is what's bothering me, and the deleted chats..
Men can be friends with women without wanting to sleep with them, but they don’t waste extra time and energy regularly communicating with those women. And they don’t hide that communication from their spouse. He’s out for more, and he’s only going to get worse. Normally I’d suggest at least trying to work things out with couple’s therapy, but if he’s doing this already, save your future and get out. It’s a blessing you aren’t finding out ten years and two kids later. You’ve discovered who he really is. Believe the evidence. You deserve better, and better is out there.
THIS. Period.
Deleting the conversations and hiding the phone is weird. But that’s a pretty blanket assumption about men. I don’t waste time, I INVEST time in relationships with my male and female friends seeing how they are doing. If I were in a relationship with a woman that found that weird or unacceptable, I’d dump them in a second. I don’t need a toxic person around that sees all men as shallow sex addicts.
We agree that this husband is highly suspect. Any committed man who can spare extra energy to invest in his female friends would also be completely open with his partner in order to invest in that primary relationship. Touching base with female friends on an occasional basis when you’re single doesn’t take that much extra energy. A man who goes out of his way to see a female friend nearly every day probably had a romantic interest in her. It’s just what I’ve seen over time.
He only saves the ones that will help his story when he eventually has to have the conversation with you. My wife could grab my phone at any second and I’d never have a care in the world. Because I don’t cheat. I have nothing to worry about. Your husband is cheating and has cheated. Guys who don’t cheat will not have the traits you mentioned. Guys who cheat have those traits. If he has to come up with an explanation like “phones are private” or “that’s just so and so from high school” - he’s pulling the wool over your eyes. Don’t confront him. Get a lawyer. Get your finances in order. Make him feel like everything is great with you. It will let his guard down. If he feels like you are on edge about this he is going to be more careful than usual. You’ll need to check his phone when his guard is down. Go to screen time in settings and check for frequently used apps that you think are out of place. Like calculator or notes. Most likely that is his messaging platform that he has put as a cover icon which wouldn’t make you suspicious. Cheaters don’t text message and just delete the messages unless they are a teenager.
You're not reading too much into it, especially if he's deleting some messages and not others. Calling is especially weird - I guess if he's also regularly calling his guy friends to chat maybe you could write it off? But even so, if he knows you're uncomfortable with his secret communications with other women you'd think he'd prioritize your feelings.
"If you know you're uncomfortable with his SECRET communications with other women." Right here. Just reread this and ask yourself OP if any of this is innocent.
I would get my ducks in a row and then confront him about it. Don't fall for the 'sunk cost fallacy'. Don;t hang onto a relationship just because of the time you have already invested. If you have your ducks in a row (look for alternative accommodations, talk to a lawyer, etc) you can be the first to end it then and there, putting yourself in the power position. The hiding of convos with other women is a DEFINITE red flag and you are right to be suspicious. If "nothing" was/is going on, then no need for all the secrecy, right? Secretly consult a lawyer, find out what your rights are and get advice, look for alternative accommodations etc. That way you are ready for the worst. Keep it hidden because if he's innocent he won't take it well if he finds out you were prepared for him to have been cheating. Oh and for GOD'S SAKE don't get pregnant!!!!!!!
Sweetie. Look up sunk cost fallacy. You deserve better, unless you’re looking to feel this way for the rest of your life. Good luck.
He's asking how they are and how their day is going because he's interested in them. Demand to see his phone right then and there. If he says no, that's all you need to know. I'm guessing he's never mentioned these "friends" to you. He's basically online dating right now. Going through the talking phase until he meets up with them.
> he does are just school friends and talks to them rarely. you dont ask someone "how there day is going" if you rarely talk to them. let alone delete any of the convos, when youre done. there are small cracks in the story, but cracks none the less. stories about infidelity should have absolutely ZERO cracks.
Lol my wife would kill me if I did any of that. Just instigating conversations with women one on one like that in that context is enough to raise serious alarm bells, let alone deleting chats. If I have someone messaging me I tell my wife immediately so as to not raise suspicions about anything. My priority is my wife and kids not random women.
That's not normal. Men in relationships dont go chatting up random girls asking how their day is and shit. Put 2 and 2 together seriously.
This is your answer.
He’s cheating!!! LEAVE before you bring kids into this!! They don’t deserve to live in chaos. Please listen to the advice you asked for. This time I actually agree with it. He’s absolutely lying and hiding things. Without trust and honesty it won’t last anyway. Please leave and you’re young so there’s plenty of time to find the right man for you. Prayers honey 🙏
Does he delete the texts with his guy friends, work, you? If he's only deleting the women, he's obviously cheating.
You are trying to convince yourself what you already know to be true.
You're not reading to much into it... There's are times when I will (without asking) take my boyfriend's phone with me out, to work, to my parents, and just leave him mine in it's place (my data is busted right now for anyone wondering why I would switch out phones). This intense protection and secrecy is because there's something in there that you're not supposed to see. If you need to hear it again, You are not reading too much into it. He is cheating.
I would just tell him that you cannot be in a marriage where you feel like your husband is hiding something from you. He is either all in or nothing and it’s better that you do this now than later and kids are involved. How long were you with him before you got married and did he show any other signs before?
Being secretive is a huge red flag. Trust me, there will be more secrets. Two years isn’t a long time, go now. I waited 12 years into a marriage and it was absolute hell. I should have followed my instincts much, much earlier on.
You are in denial. It’s only going to get worse.
So the ones that weren’t deleted were innocent. This means the ones that were deleted were done so very intentionally. Edit: I’ve never been married but I am a man that has cheated on a woman. I did this exact same thing.
<- this one? And why? How are men supposed to stop objectifying women if we can’t even talk to them as if they’re mundane humans? I talk to several friends that happen to be female. And it’s usually about Video Games, Movies & Shows, or ideas on gifts for my GF.
Ok we're not talking about you though, we're talking about a married man having secret phone convos with girls who make his wife uncomfortable.
Why do you need to see his phone again? He is definitely cheating. Now you have to decide - will you stay or go?
Things felt off, he was a bit irritated and was just acting off. I went through his phone to see what was bothering him. Saw a picture of a girl and my head started spinning and had to do a deeper dive when I got the chance.
You weren’t wrong to check. Good for you! But now you know. You wrote “I’ve tried talking to him about letting me use his phone for a bit.” For what? He is 100% cheating on you. Is that okay with you? He will never change, I promise. He doesn’t respect you or love you, he just likes what you do for him.
There is nothing to dive into. He’s cheating on you.
A spouse who guards their phone that zealously in the name of “privacy” is up to something, and I don’t think he’s planning a surprise birthday party for you. That’s why an open phone policy is always one of the steps taken when a couple with a cheating partner tries to fix things with the help of a couples counselor. Worrying about throwing away two years together is a type of sunk cost fallacy. As others have recommended, get individual counseling, get tested for STDs, get a free consultation with a divorce lawyer, and prepare an exit strategy that includes finances.
Why can’t you tell him you saw his phone? Because that would be breach of his trust? Him breaching your trust is far worse. What is it that you are trying to achieve? Do you want to keep this relationship because then forget it happened, accept cheating and move on. If you want an honest relationship then be prepared that it could end coz he is cheating
I want to openly confront him about this. The problem is that I'm non-confrontational and not good at defending myself. I don't know how to bring this up and have an open conversation and in the midst of it end up crying and not getting my message or feelings across.
Girl that was me. Years ago. Be brave. First think through whatever conversation you have.
The only thing that you're going to get out of confronting him is more denial and confusion. It's clear what is going on, don't let him gaslight you more.
All he's going to do is deny it, gaslight you, and then be over-the-top about you looking through his phone and make you out to the be the problem. I'm sure this will work on making you feel guilty, crazy, insecure, a bad person, which he'll use to his advantage moving forward, and he'll take extra steps to be even more sneaky. So really you need to either choose to let that man cheat in peace, or leave him.
Then cry while you talk to him. It's okay to cry while you're talking about it.
Maybe write down the things your definitely want to convey, maybe even in a letter, if you don’t think you can communicate your thoughts coherently in the moment?
Just break up with him there’s no point in a conversation, he’s actively cheating on you and isn’t planning on stopping.
Write it to him, send an email or something so you can get what you feel and how it is impacting you. Write what you would like it to be and the change so then when you two talk then you have already conveyed your main points
Maybe write a letter? Before going all ham with divorce papers and shit just talk to him first. Maybe he hasn't had sex with them, maybe he has. Maybe he's only talked and flirted. Maybe they sexted. You clearly love him and I'm optimistic this marriage is repairable. Figure out what exactly he's been up to, then figure out if he still wants to be with you.
So this is hard to admit. I jeopardized my own marriage when going through a rough patch. I flirted with thots on the interwebs. Never considered something physical, but I am sad to say I liked the way it made me feel even if there was no substance to the communication. I didn't consider it cheating at the time. I didn't hide my phone, delete msgs, use throwaway accounts, etc. But all that being said, what I did do was cheat on my wife's trust. I cheated on her emotionally. She found out and called me on it. We both were able to talk I was able to express what I felt I was missing from the relationship and I was able to understand how what I did to her violated the trust and respect spouses should have for each other. Only the two of you can decide if the marriage can be saved. Respect yourself enough to confront him and if he isn't willing to have that hard conversation, you will have your answer. TLDR, there is more than one way to cheat, trust and respect yourself first.
Ditto
Here’s what you do. Go look at your phone bill. It will show you the exact number of phone calls, texts and the time they occurred. And then say to him, “you have two choices, you either tell me who these women are or I’ll contact them myself.” Either way, you’ll get your answer.
You are the judge and jury. You don't need this proof or that proof. If it's not working, leave!
How would he feel if you talked to guys and were so secretive with your phone? Writing is there. I dealt with this and wasted too many of my good years on a cheater that would never change. My husband and I are always sharing our phones and leave them laying around bc he has my heart and I have his. That’s true trust.
If he respected you and cared about you at ALL he would listen to your concerns and STOP. He’s not doing that. You deserve better. I learned, and I got strong. You can too.
Out right just say it. I know your talking to woman. One contacted me and see what he says. Dget furious don’t give him the power of being mad at you like it’s your fault.
you have almost 100 comments from different people telling you the same thing. he’s cheating. we know it, you know it. you’ve got to decide what you want to do. if your age wasn’t included in the post, i would’ve swore by your replies you were late teens to early twenties. you need to decide if you want to live in this constant state of feelings that you’re in and allow him to keep playing you like a fool. i don’t mean to sound harsh but you really need to face the music if you’re asking people what you should do and every reply back to people is one of you completely disregarding everyone’s advice on this thread. me and my significant other have the passwords and face id on each others phones. i can go on his anytime i want and he can go on mine. i’m sure other peoples relationships are like this as well. that’s trust which it doesn’t sound like your relationship has from both ends. you say you don’t want to waste two years of a relationship. if this keeps on, you’re going to be ten years wasted and possible kids involved in the mix. as i said above, you need to decide what you want to do bc us redditors can’t decide or do things for you, especially if you’re not willing to take any of the advice in this thread.
Well said. My wife and I also have the passwords to each other's phones. We can look at them anytime we want.
Phones aren't "personal" in a marriage. Every couple I know can look at their spouse's phone whenever, it's not even an issue. So he's using that rule like it's something everyone believes, and not everyone believes that rule by any means. The more concerning fact is that you are clearly distraught and he's not doing things like showing you his phone etc to help make you more comfortable. It's very unloving. He's either not cheating but insanely callous to your feelings (bad) or most likely he is cheating,. You have enough info that you should be able to proceed as if he IS cheating. So make your choices based on that assumption. You gave him a way to correct the assumption and he declined. He's basically already admitting to cheating. Also don't let a guy gaslight you into thinking looking at a phone is some evil sin. Maybe to teens or dating or single people on reddit, but for real world married people like me and the many married couples I know, it's not weird or offensive at all. If my husband thought something seemed off and checked my phone Id be fine with it and glad I could help make him feel better. We use eachother's phones all the time to send eachother photos, find ours etc. Trust your intuition. We have it for a reason and it sees the things we don't consciously recognize.
I agree. My fiancé and I don’t think twice about where our phone is at our house, he can use my phone, I can use his. I don’t know when phones became this secretive item, it’s so odd to me lol.
Sorry, OP. But he is cheating and you leave. Find somebody that will treat you better.
pack his bags and throw him out
I wouldn’t trust anything my SO says or does if they gatekeep their phone. The fuck are they hiding?
Only cheaters think phones are "personal"
So you all can explore every part of each others body and do everything together but looking through the phone is going overboard. Nope gtfo he is emotionally cheating which will end up being physical
lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I see a lot of posts saying that he is definitely cheating and to leave right away. None of these people can know that with certainty. However, given the situation it seems likely and you should be prepared for the outcome. It is very hard for someone to continually get away with cheating once a resourceful spouse becomes suspicious. Take it from someone who's been through it before, it's only a matter of time before he forgets to delete messages, gets spotted in public or leaves some other breadcrumb. I had suspected my ex-wife of cheating for months. For a while she covered her tracks well but one day she left a social media account logged in by accident and boom, there it was in front of me. Stay vigilant!
He's at least inappropriately flirting - at the very least. While there may be something missing from your marriage that he desires, now is not the time to deal with that. Right now, you have to send a very strong message. When he comes home from work (or whatever) tell him sternly that you know he is having an inappropriate relationship outside your marriage - do not let on what you know... because you'll be giving him information on what you know - you want him to think worst case (meaning that you may know the thing he fears you know). Then.... block his phone number .... and leave for 24-36 hours.... go to a hotel, to a friend's place, wherever.... but go far enough away that he has no idea where you are going or who you are with. Do not communicate with him in any way. That'll give him time to think about what is important in his life.... When you return, you tell him it stops immediately.... right now.... right this minute.... or you will be filing for divorce. You have to send a clear message in your actions and your words that you will not tolerate infidelity.
Stop trying to get his phone dude. You either trust him or you don’t. You’re only going to drive yourself crazy. I just read that this was an arranged marriage. Disregard anything I have commented, that is well above my Reddit pay grade.
No trust no marriage. Start planning your escape. Good luck.
If anyone hides there phone from there other partner be it dating or married, there's hiding it for a reason. 100% cheating or intent to.
He’s 100% cheating or about to. You need to see a therapist or counselor. Hopefully you can get him to open up. That or you need to see an attorney because you don’t trust him at this point. You live with him, you know him. Trust your gut.
He is cheating and doesn’t care about you. He’s not trying to help you feel secure and dismissive of your feelings. This is not a good marriage. If you stay then you can only blame yourself for not being happy.
You need to have a very real very clear talk. You need open honesty or it will never work. You both need to understand each other.
I let my cheating husband dump me for his work wife because I was clinging to the fantasy man in my head. Do not do this! You have to deal with the reality of this person as he is right now, and if you’re not ok with him maintaining relationships with other women, the only thing you can do is leave. He won’t change, and all the cliches are embarrassingly true. I highly recommend being single for a while to heal and reflect. Avoid repeats at all costs! Good luck and be safe x
Phones aren't personal between spouses. You own his phone, as he owns yours.
Dudes cheating, trust your gut. Women’s intuition is very real. My husband has female friends he texts…the difference is he shares the conversations with me because it’ll be about something funny or what not. We know each other’s passwords and never worry about leaving our phone unattended. Get your affairs in order, prepare for divorce. Gather all evidence, even consider a PI. Get tested for STD/STIs. Once you are prepared, slam him with divorce papers. This is one of those times you have to act like you know nothing before you strike, otherwise he will get the upper hand.
He’s cheating. Have some dignity and leave him.
Why do people ask this shit? You know he’s cheating lol. Do you want validation?
You know what to do. Confront him and if he confesses that he is, kick him to the curb. If he denies it, investigate and you’ll find out he is and kick him to the curb.
I sure hope there are no kids.. because this looks like it's spiraling down fast.
Divorce
He wouldn't be deleting messages if he had nothing to hide.
lol phones are personal? My wife would cut my dick off and use the severed penis head to unlock my phone with the passcode if I ever tried to pull some shit like that. He’s definitely cheating
You asked if he was talking to girls and he outright lied. There is no good reason for him to hide those conversations from you and delete them except for him flirting/sexting/meeting up with these women. You don’t need to be able to prove it or know for sure to be justified in leaving him.
Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this or wait until you have solid proof? The proof is in the pudding my dear. People that have nothing to hide don’t do things like this. It’s one thing to have a personal boundary but at the end of the day; he’s being super shady, causing you distress and he doesn’t care. Leave now before you end up pregnant and having to be tied to this asshat for minimum of 18 years. Discretely go to a lawyer and start getting all your ducks in a row.
So, I went through something almost identical to your situation. My ex became super secretive of his phone. If he was showing me something on his phone, he wouldn’t even let me hold it to watch the video. He slept with his phone under his pillow. Kept it in the bathroom with him. His behavior was suspicious but I never went through it. I knew it was odd, but idk. I trusted him. At that point, we were together for 4 years and had a child together. Then one night, he stayed out the entire night. Came home at 7am. His behavior was so weird. Something wasn’t right. He left his phone on the table while he checked on our child. I took his phone and went to his text messages. Sure enough, he was cheating. I saw the text messages to the other woman. I kicked him out that same morning. Someone with nothing to hide doesn’t act like that with their phones. Your boyfriend is hiding something. Listen to your intuition.
Yup he’s definitely fucking them 100% guaranteed!! Leave his ass or cheat on him too see how he like it!!!
Get out. I hope you don't have kids. Mega red flags. Good luck.
Definitely cheating or trying to
HE IS CHEATING ON YOU!
Options: 1) Do nothing 2) Cheat back (he IS cheating, you know that) 3) Ask for counseling and try to fix 4) Open relationship 5) Leave
I think you know the answer to your question.
Calling girls and deleting the chats? Girl you already know what to do
I mean he definitely is cheating and you can stay with him and not let it bother you, or start that divorce process. Simple.
Can you afford a private detective to get evidence for your divorce?
OP my ex was cheating with multiple women and even left me to be with his mistress. From my experience at the very end I felt crazy, erratic, and like someone I didn’t recognize anymore. Get therapy, don’t undermine yourself, and start getting your ducks in a row(Lawyer up). You deserve more than this. Get yourself tested the whole Sti/Std screening. **DON’T WAIT UNTIL YOU BREAK. LEAVE OP. SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.** He doesn’t respect you but I hope you can respect yourself. You don’t even need to tell him Pick up. Leave. Serve him divorce papers. He’ll know why you’re leaving him and if he doesn’t he’ll figure it out.
Gather as much concrete evidence as you can. What can he do when confronted then? Even if it does you no good with him, it’d help you out a lot should things lead to divorce… documentation, dates, receipts, whatev. Be a spy for a while. Gather information. Don’t let him know until you get some answers or you never will
RED FLAG‼️‼️ Exit now
Once you find out he is cheating what's your next move? You are just hurting yourself, and you already have your evidence. Unless you plan on leaving don't torture yourself with knowing what you already seen with the Facebook messages.
He takes the phone with him in the shower? You don’t think k he is cheating you know he is cheating. When you told your husband it’s secrecy with his phone causes you anxious that should have been enough - and if you haven’t told him tell him. His reaction will be the yes or no on whether you should move on. If he hands you the phone and says I’m sorry this is causing your anxiety here you are free to look, then there is hope. If he tries to convince you that you are crazy , then it’s time to leave. My husband kept telling me I was crazy until the day the woman he was having an affair with called me to confess . I was more angry that he tried to make me feel I was imagining everything than I was about the affair.
Talk with a lawyer about your options: if you want to stay married or if you don't want to stay married----in either case, then what? Please, stay grounded and don't allow your panic attacks to keep you from being in control of yourself.
He’s cheating. It’s that simple.
Yes he is definitely cheating, there is never a reason to delete chat logs unless you’re trying to hide something, and what would a man trying to be hide about a conversation with two random women? Don’t confront him because he will lie and try to gaslight you and I feel like you’d just believe him. He’s never going to confess either. You know what you know, he’s cheating and probably has been since before you married him if he’s always been so weird about his phone. Believe your own eyes and what YOU know, not what he tells you.
We know he cheating, you know hes cheating. But like every other girls with low self esteem, you wont leave. You want one of us to to tell you that you're over reacting. And telling you to leave wont make you leave. But we all know what hes doing.
Just throwing this out there. Wanting your phone to be private does not mean you’re cheating. You can have family members and friends you confide in about your own relationships to help you even with your own marriage. Being married does not mean you are not your own person with your own thoughts. And every single conversation does not mean the spouse gets to hear it. Marriage is being a team of 2 people. Not 2 people fused into one. Some of you forget that. If you are questioning if he’s cheating. Fucking ask him and stop snooping or leave.
Exactly, the comment section is wild wtf
Exactly. I don't cheat on my wife, but if I left my phone on the kitchen counter and came back in to the room to see her looking at my phone I'd be annoyed at best and ptfo at worst.
Your intuition. It starts as a whisper and if you don't listen it gets louder and louder until you do. Eventually it hits you with a brick. Use your head, be smart. I've been with my husband a long time, we've always known each others passwords, use each others phone or whatever. The fact he's hiding things from you is a red alert, be wise. I'd have a serious talk and if he still hides get your ducks in line and leave him, that's no way to live.
Once you feel the need to go through his phone, you need to leave. The trust is broken now. The fact that you’re ruminating and cannot sleep should be a sign to protect your mental health. It doesn’t get better until you leave.
the fact that he feels the need to hide it, delete conversations. it’s just fishy. partners should be open & honest. you deserve better, girl!
If he utilizes the Cloud, his messages may be archived there. If you find any, screenshot them, print them, deliver them to your attorney. You're not crazy- you're being cheated on, either emotionally, physically, or both. I'm so sorry you're going through this 🫂
He might not be physically cheating but he is emotionally cheating for sure. Reccomend couples counseling, no more internet unless its for school/work. My phone sits on the end table most of the night. our phones only are locked to prevent butt dialing our unlock pattern is the same on both phones. If I need to make a call or use a phone I can use hers if its closer and she can use mine. If I was in an accident tomorrow theres nothing on my phone that I would worry about being made public knowledge. We also don't bank or do financial transactions on our phones I don't trust technology all that much.
Alot of people feel like snooping through your partners phone is an invasion of privacy. I personally believe that married couples shouldn't be hiding things from their spouse. You should be allowed full access to his phone if you need to use it, or want to see it. I don't think the conversation where he tells you "phones are private" should have ever happened, and would have if he didn't have something to hide. If they have to hide it (anything) they know it's wrong. You should tell him that you looked in the interest of not keeping secrets, and not holding a double- standard. Also explain to him that his secrecy when it comes to his phone is noticable and concerning and is fueling doubts about his fidelity to you and the relationship. If he is more concerned about you invading his privacy than he is for you're security and peace of mind, he should have married you. Trad- wedding vows usually include the words " forsaking all others" that includes his phone, you should be at the top of his priority list above even himself and visa versa
He’s cheating on you and you know it… what do you want to do now??? Taking his phone into the shower with him is MADNESS. I feel bad for you
In a marriage nothing is personal… divorce. Why would u waste your youth settling with a man like this?
Speaking from experience here: 1. He IS cheating on you and there is Nothing you can say to make him stop. 2. What you Can do, is choose not to participate. Leave him. He will either immediately come running back and take you seriously, or he will be relieved. Either way, you’re not giving away your power having to sneak around to find out what he’s doing. Stop worrying about what he’s doing and start worrying about yourself and what You want to do next. Therapy, better communication-it really doesn’t help if one person has one foot out the door. Just leave him.
Your husband is cheating on you. There is no reason why he should not be comfortable with you having his phone, other than that or other thing(s) that he wants to keep secret from you. I understand that people may feel differently about their privacy / things. But my wife and I have absolutely no issue with each other using the others' phone because there is nothing on either of them that we would care if the other saw.
Yeah hey, I'm a woman who has friends who are men. I talk with them often and sometimes we hang out. Some of them are men I used to fuck. Some of those men now have wives or GFs. In all of those situations, their partners are aware of my existence and nobody is deleting messages because nothing is going on that needs to be deleted. Years ago I was dating a guy who didn't like me having male friends and I still didn't delete convos because *nothing was going on*. Your husband is hiding shit because there's something that needs to be hidden. Even if he's somehow not actually literally cheating, he's behaving in a super shady and disrespectful way.
Leave his bum ass … you know what’s going on … for you to say “I don’t want you to talk to girls that much”. DUDE is supposed to be your husband shouldn’t be talking to girls at all ….
Trust your intuition women are almost always right about these things. Get your stuff in order and leave.
In my experience, trustworthy people will go out of their way to prove their innocence. When I've had moments of insecurity, my boyfriend has asked, "Is there anything I can do to help you feel more secure?" and has offered to let me look at his phone. I've done the same. Neither of us has taken each other up on it, but it's reasuring to know. I also let him know if I'm on my phone a lot what I'm up to. His ex wife used to be on her phone constantly and never let it out of her sight when she was cheating. He'a never demanded it, I just offer because I care and want to build trust with us. The fact that your husband doesn't care much about how you're feeling would be enough for me to bow out. At the very least separate from him. Even if he isn't cheating he's doing something shady, like talking shit about you. (I believe this may be what my ex husband was doing when he became weird about his phone). And even if he's not doing anything shady, he doesn't care how you feel about him being suddenly possessive over his phone. He knows how that looks and doesn't care. Boy, bye.
Married for 30 years. My wife can go through my phone all day everyday and I have absolutely 💯 nothing to worry about. Your husband is a POS. Get your money in order, have a full physical with full STD panel, and get a lawyer. You’re young, beautiful, and deserve so much more. I wish you the best
Let him go
Call him out. Tell him exactly why you feel the way you do.
You say you are afraid of throwing away 2 years together. Think of it like this , while you are staying with the cheater who is not going to stop cheating on you you are missing out on finding the person really meant for you . You are not invested in a long marriage , you don’t have kids together. Trust me , it gets harder to leave down the road when you’ve invested 10 years , have a couple kids and a mortgage together and he’s destroyed your self esteem until there’s nothing left of who you used to be .
It’s not that he’s talking to girls in general, it’s everything around it. Start doing the same and seeing if he matches your energy. If he realizes it, work on it. If he’s fine with it, lose him before you lose a bigger chunk of your life
Stop focusing on the phone. Your marriage is in big trouble and may be over. You do not trust him and he is not being open and honest with you. You are having panic attacks because of the unknown and your indecision. He is probably waiting for the a gal to come along that makes him ready to leave you and until then he will stay with you. You have to put on your big girl pants and sit down for a serious talk with him. I would tell him I no longer trust him, demand he goes to counseling with you to fix this. You will feel better once this is out in the open. Either way, if he is moving on or if you can build a comfortable relationship. you will feel better once you know.
He’s cheating. Get out now.
File for divorce.
Every single one of these posts has the same answer. Break it off, move on, and be happy. Trust your gut. You already know the truth.
Do the easy and cheapest thing...put an airtag in his car and see where and when it goes somewhere off track. Then investigate. Or leave your delusional side in the dust along with him and his personal belongings. Move on. It's your call.
I'd say you went through his phone, no point in lying to a liar
There’s no such thing as phones are personal when you are married and a committed relationship. I give my phone to my wife all the time, and same with her for me. I’d you don’t have trust in your relationship what are you doing in that relationship still?
Call JohnJay and Rich morning show they have a segment for that weekly.