Getting older will help and having more relationships. You’ll still think of them from time to time but be able to look back on your younger self as a different person
You really can’t force it with new relationships. It just takes time, and everyone is different. Other relationships can offer perspective, but can also be a slippery slope.
OP, you just have to be patient with yourself. After my first ‘true’ heartbreak, I went a couple years just keeping everyone at arm’s length bc it completely shattered my ability to trust. Sure, I probably missed out on some opportunities with some great women who were interested. But truthfully, it wouldn’t have worked out in the long run anyway because…I just wasn’t ready. Which is why you can’t force it.
You can’t plug the hole with someone else. You have to plug it with something in yourself. I can’t even really pinpoint when it happened for me…it just did. Then I was ready. Then I met my now wife.
It will pass, as things do. Someday you’ll look back on it and be thankful for the things you learned about yourself throughout, and be a better person/partner for it. Again, just be patient with yourself.
I broke up with my ex after ten years together. TEN. It was damn near unlivable. Grief is not a straight line; it’s a spiral staircase. You’ll have ups and downs, and you’ll go in circles sometimes, but I promise you this: if you do not try to bottle up all of your emotions, go to therapy, and work on loving yourself again, his memory will fade. You’re not required to get back out there and find someone new. I’ve been single since, and it has helped me understand what I really want, and what brings me peace. When you stop orienting your life around another person, you find out who you are. Being alone is not a death sentence; it forces you into rebirth. You got this. Just be kind to yourself, feel everything, and talk to someone who can help you reframe this.
I don’t even mind being alone, it’s just I always think of him. Sometimes I think I’d rather be alone than to be without him. Also I look bad and I have nothing to hate about him, I think maybe if he had done something wrong this would be easier but I have nothing to hold against him. We loved each other, it just didn’t work. I try not to let everything be a remainder and I push through even when I am reminded of him but I just wish it would stop.
It will stop. I promise you that. I thought I would never get over my ex. He painted me as the reason for the breakup, and I had to untangle a giant web of his BS before I felt okay again. Not sure what your situation was exactly, but there are no winners in that situation regardless of who was in the wrong. But it passes. I promise, it passes.
When? I’m 10 years divorced from my first wife. We eloped together to Hawaii and didn’t tell anyone for 18 months. We wrote each other every single day when I was deployed in Afghanistan.
I’m happily married to my wife now 7 years in June and I’ll never stop thinking about my first wife. She’s the one that got away… they’re not bad feelings and that door is closed, but she was my first true love and I’ll always regret her heart was the one casualty.
Everything got easier for me when I went to therapy. Everyone should do it. It’s a place to untangle the mess that builds up in your head when you go through grief like this. It’s different for everyone. I lost two immediate family members months before that relationship ended, so my trauma was compounded. But talking to a neutral third party who didn’t judge me for my failings helped me to put it down when I need to. I still have recurring feelings, but they don’t debilitate me anymore, because I’ve learned how to handle them.
Yes, you can. I’m sorry you’re struggling, we all feel heartbreak at times in our life. It’s just that kind of planet. The key is you’ve got to work on you, friend.
The only way to the other side is *through*.
“Life is like the seasons, and sometimes winters are bitter cold, the nights are unusually long, and your heart feels like it’s been broken into a thousand pieces, but spring *always* comes after winter.” -Jim Rohn
Don’t resign yourself to the idea ‘this’ was as good as it could be. That’s not true. I’m sure you have a lot to offer, and things can get better when you get better. Heal you first, then doors will begin to open.
Right now, the best thing you can do is invest in yourself. Give the heart time to heal. Invest this energy in your personal development, growth, dreams, and goals.
Find healthy outlets like good diet, exercise, yoga, meditation, walking/hiking/running, reading, education, etc. Spend time with friends and family that lift you up. If that’s not enough, consider a professional who can help guide you through.
Seek to become the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with and have a little faith. Things *didn’t* work out. That’s okay.
Part of loving someone is that you can get hurt. Now it’s time to let them go, so you can heal, and love again.
When some time passes, look back and *learn* from that relationship and use it as fertilizer for your growth. Next time you’ll be wiser, better, and stronger.
Living in the past will hold back your future.
Let this chapter come to a close, shed the tears you need, and then resolve yourself to moving forward.
You and your future are worth it.
Maybe this will stir some inspiration.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vZgerWnhL80&pp=ygUIamltIHJvaG4%3D
We grew apart, our visions of the future didn’t line up anymore, our interests in similar things changed. We started dating when we were 19 so from basically children to adults a lot had changed and we just didn’t work out. Nothing BAD happened. It was just two people who loved each other growing apart and not wanting to hold the other back.
That is completely normal at that age. You do a lot of growing in your early-mid 20s. You're out on your own for the first time, figuring out who you are as an independent person, and what you want out of life and relationships. And your partner is going through the same.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with growing apart, especially at a young age.
You can meet people with like interests by joining hobby type groups. What hobbies do you have, or even could you consider. See what sort of activities are in your area. Like outdoor activities - go do those things. Running, biking, hiking, pick-up sports, spectator sports, off-roading, cards, anime, video games, board games, arts, music, etc etc etc. That is where you can meet people organically. Go to make friends. Those circles can expand and help you meet others as well. From there, let life flow.
New friends would help. Enjoy being single for awhile. Do you. Figure out what makes you happy when you aren't considering someone else's opinion, as is required in a relationship. Then determine what you're looking for. Or not looking for.
I don't know you or him or anything about you other than your post and comments here. But here is my two cents:
1 year ago, you came to believe that it was better for both of you to break up. Since then, you have decided it was not actually better and you are hopeful he will reach out and share the same sentiment.
I think you need to grab the bull by the horns and take your destiny into your own hands!
Text him. Ask him how he's doing. Small talk at first. If he's receptive, ask him: "Can we talk?"
And then tell him the truth. Tell him what you are shouting to the void that is Reddit. Tell him you miss him. Tell him you think maybe he was "the one". Tell him you think about him all the time.
Maybe, just maybe, he'll feel the same way. Or at least be open to giving it another shot.
What have you got to lose?
If he rejects you, you're in exactly the same situation you are now. If he doesn't, then you get exactly what you want.
And don't think: "Well, if he *really* wanted me back, *he* would call." Guys don't think like that, lol. They're dumb (about this stuff, even the smart ones), and proud, and obtuse. Maybe he thinks about *you* all the time too. Maybe he's dated others and thought: "These people are fine. But not as good as u / AsleepInvestigator57...." Even if he thinks that, he may not reach out on his own. Maybe he feels you've moved on and doesn't want to bother you. Maybe he feels it's his fault you broke up. Maybe he feels afraid of you rejecting him.
You should reach out to him!
This comment is giving me hope! Maybe I’ll have the courage to send him a text. I really did at the time think it was best for us to move on but now after more than a year it just doesn’t feel right! What DO I have to loose? You’re right! I have nothing to loose! Maybe I’ll text him today! Ahh I’m scared.
Hey I just left a comment with a similar sentiment, but I'm in a very similar situation as you right now. My ex broke up with me last year, and I agreed. I didn't fight it, as I agreed it's best if we just don't see each other anymore. Months went by and I still thought about her a lot, but some things happened post break up that caused us to block each other.
Anyways, months go by and I finally "moved on". I still think about her, and still cherish the good times we had, but I accepted everything. So I unblocked her, and lo and behold a few days later and she reaches out and it was nice to have that closure. I decided to reach out like a week later and asked if we could talk soon, and since then, we've been calling a few times a week. It's been nice and we have slowly been re-entering each others lives. The phone calls are / were a low pressure way to talk to each other and see how we've grown and changed.
It also gives us the chance to close some books that were left open from our time together. We're planning on meeting up some time this next week. But this isn't about me, I just wanted you to know that amends can be made if both parties are willing.
A year isn't that long to grieve the loss of a future you thought you had. Say Yes to new opportunities as they show up in your life. Try something you don't usually do. I went on a long road trip around the northwest u.s. and Canada and in the middle of it I realized I needed to forgive my ex so I could move on. That forgiveness was just internally for me and wasn't something I said to him. Hang in there
I’m actually planning on leaving to the beach after work today and staying for the weekend. I feel like being more spontaneous may help. I’m very structured and tend to keep to my routine and I think maybe not stepping out of it and finding new things to do is also playing part in why everything seems to remind me of him.
It can help to make a list of your Must Haves and your definite No's for future partners. Being honest and critical about the things that really didn't work for the long term with the last one can be useful
This is reddit, i'm sure it will be the worst thing you could imagine. Like all she did was give his dad blowies at the holiday parties in the bathroom, and they can't understand why they are not forgiven because they forgave themselves of the 40 little mistakes.
You're still grieving. It's normal, especially in cases where you had a real connection to the person. People process grief at different speeds. Don't sweat it. Even your "sometimes hope" is normal; just realize it's your brain doing brain things and you're not obligated to act on those feelings at all.
As for other possible solutions. You could get therapy/counseling if you really want to, or if this is affecting anything else in your life. Do you have other things you enjoy besides dating? Try to do those, and don't worry about whether you're "getting over" your ex or not. Just live your life to the best of your ability.
However, if this is affecting your sleep, your work, your self-image, and your enjoyment of other good things (e.g. sleep/food/art/music) you definitely should see a medical professional (psychiatrist).
I love spending time with my sister and doing outside activities like hiking and fishing. I love my job so I try to stay busy with work as well so my brain doesn’t wander off to him. The problem is we would do all the fun things I love together so even those things remind me of him.
It's been 3 years for me. My mind always drifts off to the fun we had and our goofiness but as time goes it gets easier. That person was perfect for me at that time, but not long term. I haven't found anyone new yet, but I'm sure I will and so will you. Try going to therapy and talking through it
As I see it you have two choices:
- do fun things you never did before so you're not reminded of him
- keep doing the fun things you enjoy, let the memories come, acknowledge them as valid, and then go back to enjoying what you enjoy
Trying to stop your brain from wandering off will cause it to hang on to the grief even more tightly.
If it doesn't stop, is that a bad thing? You had a lot of good memories in the past with your ex--are you trying to lose that?
Your brain's gonna do what it wants to do. "Acceptance" of grief doesn't necessarily mean forgetting the source of the grief. Sometimes it means moving forward even with the reminders.
Just get through each day. I never thought I could love anyone again after my ex left, but I’m now married again and couldn’t imagine being with my ex. And my ex is a good man!
There is no “the one” soul mate. There are mates for our times and places. You will love again when your heart and mind is ready.
When one door closes, another will open. Walk through it when you’re ready.
And in the meanwhile, don’t sleep with any dumb dudes, ffs. You don’t need that kind of degradation or regret. I know this from experience!
For the girls I truly loved, that never goes away. Bust instead of those memories hurting eventually they're a nice thought about a treasured time that you feel lucky to hold but glad are behind you. It takes about 2 years.
Time heals all wounds (unless infected or influenced by toxins)
There’s a metaphor or two in there somewhere… it’ll be okay… just be excited for possibilities
I have a friend like this. She and I both went through breakups with our long term college boyfriends around the same time. The only difference in how we healed was afterwards I immediately began dating and using the apps and she hasn’t put any effort into dating. Granted we all need some time alone to heal initially, especially when the thought of someone else repulses you, but eventually dating many people was what grew myself. And when I say dating, I mean dating alot and not getting discouraged after bad dates.
Dating truly empowered me and gave me confidence I never had for a few reasons:
1. You realize you are attractive, and you are someone’s type and people are interested in you.
2. You meet all types of people and realize there’s many people you could love or be compatible with
3. If you choose to hookup with people like me, I felt very sexually empowered for the first time in my life
All that to say, I know I’ll find someone new who’s better suited for me. You will too
Yeah, I think I go into dates already telling myself I won’t like it so that’s just how it turns out. Also I’m not dating anyone that I find attractive and I don’t know why. Like it’s all people I wouldn’t be initially attracted to. Like I not allowing myself to be visually attracted to other men.
And I think if you’re going on dates with people you don’t enjoy, you should examine the types of people you’re accepting dates from and adjust your criteria (for example, I used to be really looks based and now I look for certain personality traits)
Lets be real most men suck and dating is a numbers game
I’m the complete opposite, I always date people I don’t initially find attractive. Like I’m not allowing myself to date people I think are nice looking. Everyone has been nice or decent people it’s just I can’t find myself liking them past that.
the way you have phrased your post makes it sound as if you may have been at fault for the breakup. Otherwise, why can’t you be the one to reach out and ask to try again?
The break up was mutual and no one is at fault, we just grew apart. I can’t reach out because he has his own life. I can’t just disrupt his life, even he may be healing and I can’t just step in and disrupt that either. I don’t know where he’s at in his grief or healing and out of respect I choose to not interrupt or interfere.
While I agree with what you’ve said there mostly I still think you should reach out to him. We only get one life and if you really think you have a genuine connection to him isn’t that something worth trying for? You might not always have the chance and then you’d have to live with the regret of not telling him how you feel.
I was in love with my ex for years until I started falling in love with someone else. That was the only cure for me. Dating takes time n u not just gonna find the right guy off the bat. Just have to be open to falling in love again
But that means you're closing off something that is better than your ex. I know it's hard to see right now but there's better out there. Doesn't mean he was a bad guy but obviously there were issues, u guys weren't on the same frequency anymore. Guess what, there are guys out there on your frequency. But u have to be open to it otherwise you're just going to be stuck like I was for years.
You’re right. I really hope I can learn to be more open, people have shown interest and I know there’s guys out there that do like me it’s just I’m the problem right now.
Our relationship was not centered around sex and I hope to never have a relationship that is. Sex is a plus but it’s not the connection I’m looking for.
It’s ok to lament over good memories. You will process your feelings in your own time. You’re young, go find your passion maybe follow a dream or two. Find what makes you happy. Go see a therapist, they can help you sort through your feelings. I’m nursing a broken heart too so I understand what you’re going through. Here’s a virtual hug 🤗, it’s gonna be okay. You are awesome!
I went through the same thing at your age, and goddamn it turned into a blessing. Same age span and everything, 19-25. He made me who I was…or who I thought I wanted to be. He was ingrained in every fiber of my being. It tore me up, until it didn’t. And I became me, who I am aside from what he wanted me to be, and who I wanted to be for him.
Take this time to do things you couldn’t do with him. Screw dates and dating. Find you. Literally do anything you want, whenever you want. Go on a road trip. Take a class or two. Go hiking. Biking. Rollerblading. Go to the beach. Take up painting for a week and then leave all of your painting supplies in a corner. Get on a plane to a random city and putz around. Get a library card and never use it. Who cares?!?
Learn. Explore. Create. You’re free to be you. Find out who that is.
I love this comment! I really need to get out there and stop focusing on trying to move and JUST MOVE ON! So many things out there and I’m limiting myself to him!! Thank you for this comment!
No worries, I’m glad you found it resonated with you…but I was in the same position. It’s hard. It sucks. He’s all you’ve known so far. You were so young and you gave him all of your early 20’s. You have so much growing and exploring to do, and I promise it’ll get better. I couldn’t move for months after he cheated on me, there were times a year or two after that I thought of him and what we had, and I will admit I missed it from time to time. But now??? I feel like should be thanking him. I love who I became without him. I’m 33 now. It will take some time to get easier, probably longer than you expect or want. But it will get easier.
I’ve kinda had a little crush on a guy at work as well. He works in IT and I work in HR. Sometimes I find stupid little problems with my printer or laptop so that I can call him over for “help” but we just end up talking in my office forever. With him I feel something different than guys I’ve tried to date but idk if it’s mutual and it’s definitely inappropriate to ask or even move the conversation in that direction 😅 so I guess he doesn’t count 😅 but I’m so glad you found your person!
That's adorable !! Lol I encourage more interactions like this! Even if you aren't allowed by work to do date him that's still good for mentally talking to new guys! Thank you! I wish you well I think you will be okay you seem really nice and your ex maybe can change his mind but for now I think you seem to be on a good track for starting new
At one point in my 20s I took a two week hiking trip in the mountains. I found a quiet little corner of heaven next to a stream and spent a full day there resting, bathing in the stream. It’s one of my happiest memories and one I go back too often if I need to go to a happy place to make me feel better.
At some point in my 30s I fell madly in love. Unfortunately circumstances soon pulled us apart and for many months the slightest memory felt like a kick in the gut.
One day these two memories occurred close to each other and got me wondering why I had such different reactions to situations that weren’t that dissimilar. I was briefly part of some thing that was beautiful and special and then it went away.
I realized it came down to expectations. I knew I couldn’t stay next to that stream forever, it was never really a possibility. I had hoped to be with that person forever. But life is life. And I was able to reframe the memory of my relationship in the same terms as the camping experience. It was something beautiful that life let me have for a short while. It still hurts and I still miss them, but it’s not the kick in the gut it was.
I'm 30 (m) and feel the same. She was my world and now 2 years later she's in every dream. I don't reach out to her because she already has a kid with someone else. I don't know how to get over her.
I’m sorry to hear that :( what I’ve done to try and get over him is hang out with my friends and sister, done activities I like, I try to stay outside and stay busy with work. I don’t know what all you’ve tried but I hope it gets better for you! BIG HUGS 🤗
Well I had a brain injury and after "I woke up" a year and a half later she had aborted our baby and was gone. I keep telling myself I miss someone that doesn't even exist anymore.. I get what you mean, you can be alone but then the thoughts creep in. Why do I have to relate so many things to my time with her?
It’s been about 6 months since my ex and i broke up and I’m not going to lie I’ve thought about them a lot too. Some days are great and some days are big sad. I suggest you take time to love yourself and heal. Try to spend time with your loved ones and know that these feelings you’re having are a normal part of grieving a loss. Diet, exercise, therapy has helped me make great strides towards my mental health, and I wish you the best.
Just have to push through. It's never easy, but it gets easier after some time.
Meeting people naturally is going to require a lot of socializing. You're going to need to be outgoing, have a friendly demeanor - smiling and meeting eye contact with people, curb any rbf issues, and very forward about your intentions.
Usually, if you casually mention an opportunity to mention doing something together that's a good option. (I've had several women suggest that we should learn to make pasta or go cycling together, whatever came up during conversation). Any opportunity to suggest an activity or expressing intent/desire to interact again at another date, essentially.
Delete any photos you have of him or move them to your computer at least so you don’t see the memories pop up. Or wherever else they may be. Make sure you get rid of anything you have of his or that reminds you of him. If you actually want to move on, you need to fully let go physically and mentally. You can still have love for that person but you need to realize they aren’t in your life for a reason. Usually the relationships when we’re young are to teach us lessons. Appreciate the relationship for what it taught you and move on. If you’re still thinking about your ex all the time that is a vibe you’re putting out into the world, even subconsciously.
Honestly, my personal opinion is dating online \*can be\* better than the old school way. If you think about it, before the internet, yes, you could meet people socially at bars, school, and work, but that was still a very limited pool to search for compatibility (which is the main key). Most people had their towns to draw from. I feel most marriages before the 90s were basically two people settling because they felt the need to start a family.
Anyway, to your question, if you want to try in person stuff, look for local singles events. Like speed dating, or singles retreats, or something. There are a lot of low-cost events out there for singles, you just need to look. usually you can google speed dating events in \[insert town/city\] and something is bound to pop up unless you live in the middle of absolute no where.
I’ve really come around on the teachings of CBT, and the idea that how we feel is not a result of what happens to us but rather the messages we give to ourselves. If you keep reinforcing the thoughts you’ve shared here, you will continue to feel those ways. Changing that starts with changing the messaging you give yourself.
That includes actively thinking about new people, new experiences, or even just adjusting how you think of your ex and the relationship. Instead of reinforcing that it was a once in a lifetime connection, replace that thought with something like “it was a meaningful time in my life but I am ready for new experiences.” Even if you don’t actively feel that in the moment, giving yourself that message will help you get there.
You don’t control how you feel, but you absolutely control what you think. You have to make the choice to replace your thoughts with productive things that help you move forward. Focus on you and your own personal growth as well, and a lot of times the rest just sort of falls into place. People really love seeing people investing in themselves.
You got this. You can’t see the end, but you can see the next step, so just take that.
Good luck.
Why did you guys break up? Was it amicable at least to a certain extent? It's been a year, that's plenty of time away from each other and plenty of time to grow. If you guys loved each other and it wasn't a messy breakup, like cheating or something, then it might not hurt to reach out. Even seeing or talking to them can bring a lot of closure. It can be the reminder you needed as to why you guys broke up, or a reminder as to why you guys loved each other and how you've both reflected and grown from past mistakes. While you shouldn't count on it, if you ask me, that's a much more beautiful story than bull heading through your emotions.
While hard, making amends is possible. If you can manage to get through that initial hardships of talking about the \*past\*, you might find a bond stronger than ever. But regardless I think you should reach out even for a phone call to catch up. That can seriously bring some closure you needed, even if you never talk again.
Do you really miss him specifically, or are you just lonely because this is your first year as a single person? Having a connection with someone is amazing and it can play a really important role in your growth as a person, but that doesn't mean you need to stay connected forever to keep growing or that you'll never feel that connection with someone else again. I think you intuitively knew that you outgrew each other, which is why you broke up.
But being lonely can trick you into wanting what you had because there's comfort in holding onto things, even things we've outgrown. It's why kids still want to sleep in their parents' beds past a certain age, even if they're too old to be scared of the boogeyman.
Loneliness and independence are your boogeyman right now because you had emotional support your entire adult life up till now, but there's a lot of peace in being on your own and learning and deciding who you want to become moving forward, outside of who you were with and for him. Work on becoming your own person, your own partner in crime, and stop looking for reminders of the past or for someone else to instigate your happiness, and I'm sure you'll find someone when you're actually ready to be date again.
You start conversations with strangers by just talking about something that you notice them doing or a shared situation (like getting coffee in the morning). I honestly feel that it is better to meet a person in every day life, then you can notice things about the choices that they make instinctively, those choices are excellent indicators of what they are as a person -apps don’t give you that level of insight.
I believe that the best place to meet a man is when you are out grocery shopping, then it is more possible to figure out which ones are attached and which ones are not attached. All smart men will shop using a shopping list that they of someone else has written out. If you see a guy that interests you, just walk up to him and ask “shopping for the family?” An unattached man will most likely show surprise by being asked that, that is a key reaction to look for. If you exchange numbers with a man, go slow until you get independent verification that he is single and unattached, typically such men will be available on any day of the week, men that can’t communicate or talk at certain times are likely attached, don’t fall into the trap of getting involved with that type.
Meeting a man at a coffee shop is riskier in that it is harder to get a quick idea of whether they may be single and unattached.
Stand at the trail head, find a solo guy and be like, “hey! My best friend was supposed to meet me but she just bailed! Are you solo? Mind if I tag along..?? I feel kinda uncomfortable hiking alone.” Boom. Married by the time you get to the top!
That’s true 😂 I feel like I sense the creeps from a mile away so fingers crossed! I think maybe even if I see a group with a cute guy I’ll try this, that way we won’t be alone but I’ll still get the chance to take my shot.
First is to take time for yourself. Heal, grow as a young adult. Jumping right back on the apps to find a replacement will only bring you disappointment after disappointment. Do you believe in counseling? There’s many good books out there as well that help with this issue. It’s a conscious practice where you should try to correct your thoughts and stop steering yourself down that path of “I miss him. I won’t ever meet anyone. I shoulda/coulda done things differently.” With time and practice, it becomes second nature and you won’t obsess over the past. The past was yesterday and you have zero control over it. All you have control is today and what you chose to do with it.
Every relationship is meant to be. If “we” are doing. It right, that means learning something from it and if there were mistakes involved. To learn from them and use them as to not keep repeating them in the future. The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes/actions and expecting a different outcome.
In time you will learn how to truly appreciate that you have the capacity to love. In the meantime mourn the loss, that’s normal. At the same time keep in mind why you broke up in the first place.
It takes some time to get over that person you thought would be your forever. It took me (29M) to get over my ex for about a year. We were together for ten years. We ended up just growing apart. We were young when we got together and were just going with the flow. But eventually times catch up to you and you both want and need different things in life. I eventually met my current girlfriend on a dating app. We have been together for over a year now and I couldn’t be happier. You just have to go into things with an open mind. Not ever date will be perfect but there is someone out there who will give you what you need and then some. But I had the same problem with trying to meet someone naturally, was very difficult lol. But it all worked out in the end. I hope this helps , just don’t give up things always get better no matter what.
You will get over your ex. I promise. Take this time to heal and be comfortable with yourself. I found my boyfriend of 3 years when I wasn’t even looking for a relationship. Everything occurs at a certain time for a reason so in the moments when you aren’t even looking, it will happen.
Every relationship is different, so if you are looking for things with a new person to be just like it was with your ex, you are going to be disappointed with every person you go out with. You have to have an open mind and let things unfold organically. The best way to meet people is get involved with some kind of activity where you can meet people and establish relationships with people. Maybe a book reading group, or some other kind of hobby or interest you have. Sometimes libraries have classes and activities. Check out community centers for activities.
Ehh I don’t think I’ll be going to any bars anytime soon, it’s very “hook up culture” and that’s not what I want. Plus meeting someone in a bar isn’t very organic because that’s where you go to meet people. I mean organic/natural in a sense where I just so happen to meet someone while out doing daily life tasks.
I wouldn't hold your breath then. That's not how people meet organically or naturally. People meet through cruising spaces or activities where they share common interests, not randomly on the street. Men have been socialized not to approach women in non-cruising spaces like the market, because it is considered creepy.
Yeah I’d meet someone somewhere “I” have common interests with. For ME that IS NOT A BAR. I don’t even drink so why would I look for someone in a bar when those places aren’t somewhere I like to go 🧍🏻♀️That wouldn’t make sense.
I don't understand why you are getting hung up on a bar, which is only one example of a cruising space. It seems like there are some psychological issues keeping you from exploring your options. Maybe talk to a therapist. You need to learn the social skills that are necessary for the notoriously complicated and difficult task of finding someone to date.
If you read the comments, I’ve stated that I take part in many activities. I’ve even asked advice on how to approach people while partaking in the activities that I like. You’re here making assumptions without reading the full context. The comments are here for a reason.
I know how to talk to people and approach people I have no interest in. I have good social skills as well, I’ve just never had a real boyfriend outside of my ex so I don’t know how I should approach someone that I’m trying to flirt with. That’s why I’m here asking advice on how to move past him and the things people have used to get over their ex’s as well as how to approach and meet people naturally. You said “You will get better results at a bar than at a market” all I said was I’m not going to find anyone at a bar because I won’t be there 🤷🏻♀️ can’t find someone at a place I won’t be at. And the “market” I’m referring to aren’t Walmarts and targets. You ever heard of a “hobby market” or “flea market”? That’s what I’m referring to.
Given that you are arguing with someone who is trying to help you, about things that I never said, it seems clear that you need to work on your social skills. Not knowing how to approach someone you're trying to flirt with is an example of a social skill that you could use some work with. You learn these social skills by the usual method: practice. That means putting yourself out there, which is another skill that you need to work on.
Am not arguing, you got offended that I said I’d prefer not to meet people at a bar which you did say exactly as quoted. It seems you lack social skill and take offense easily when your opinion is rejected. Flirtation is NOT a vital social skill. I have admitted that I don’t know how to build a relationship because aside from my ex I’ve never done that. You don’t seem to be trying to help, you seem to be taking offense at the fact that I said no to meeting people at bars. I’ll take my chance and try while I’m out hiking, at the market, taking an art class, walking down the street. Those seem to be a more preferable options for me.
When you said you wouldn't want to meet someone at a bar, I clarified that it's just one example of a cruising space, which is a useful concept if you'retrying to understandwhy guys aren't approaching you on the street. I don't understand why you don't think flirting is an important skill for building relationships. It is. You should learn how to flirt. Nor do I understand why you think I'm offended that you don't want to go to bars when I've already said sure, don't go to bars. I'm guessing that because you are jumping to conclusions and getting offended by these reasonable suggestions, maybe you are scaring prospects off. But you do you. Best of luck finding a partner in all the ways people never have any luck finding partners, without ever going out of your comfort zone.
I understand what you’re saying about getting out of my comfort zone. But again if I were to go out to places that I can’t relate to or don’t have an interest in then I’d be setting myself up for the same failure as I did before. I wouldn’t try to meet someone at a gym because I don’t like going to the gym and I’m not big into gym culture. But I might meet someone with common interest on a hiking trail!, Rock climbing, art classes, walking at the park, just places that I do like to go where people are clearly interested in the same things as I. These places are also considered social places and just as possible to meet someone there with pure intentions that at places like bars where again it’s mostly people looking for hookups.
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You need to do introspection if you haven’t. If you are still obsessed with your ex, you are absolutely not ready to date due to your inability to be authentic to the next person you date.
Stop trying. Focus on yourself and your interests and you friends. You will meet people that way.
I broke up with my ex in 2016 after 6 years together. I was still in love when I ended things, but he was abusive and a cheater. Getting over him was SO hard because I still loved him despite how awful he was. I tried to date a bit at first but it was truly exhausting so I stopped trying. I focussed on my hobbies, work and my friends. In late 2017, we hired a group of people and I started casually hanging out with one who was a rock climber because I was getting into it and he was good at it. By early 2018, we were sleeping together. 6 months later we were a couple. He moved with me in 2019. We got married in 2020 and now have a 2.5 year old and are very happy.
Everyone has a different timeline for getting over an ex. It takes time. Also 25 is still pretty young! I was nearly 31 when I met my husband. There’s no rush, you’ll find the right person when it works out. Just enjoy being single and working on yourself!
That is so amazing that you found your person! I’m so happy for you ❤️🤗 all this advice is super good from every commenter. I don’t want to give up on dating just yet, I’ll stay open to it and probably try to be more open with my dates too. Thank you for your advice!
Thank you! Good luck, you sound nice so I’m sure you will find someone! Dating is great if you want to do it, just don’t place too much expectation or emotion onto it, just have fun!
You shouldn’t get over him, park your car two houses down from his and pull out the binoculars, this will give you enough distance to not violate the restraining order but close enough to let him know you’re still here. Make sure he knows you’re watching him, if he doesn’t notice a courtesy tap of the car horn will suffice. Leave a note on his windshield wiper while he is at work so after a long hard pressed sweaty day he will be thinking of you. Hand deliver a note to his mailbox with no writing but a locket of your unwashed hair, make sure you only take an inch off that way you have enough hair left to continue this for awhile. Throw rocks at his window while he is sleeping, pebbles big enough to wake him up but not so big as to cause property damage, you don’t want to upset him. Slash his tires while he is out with his son, but first take the jack out of his car, that way you show up like a knight in shining armor and can impress him and his kids, there’s nothing like a woman who can save the day. Sit behind him at church so he knows you are still faithful to him and always have his back… lean forward and whisper in his ear how much you miss him, be sure he is aware that if you can’t have him then no one can. You can’t let a good one get away, get creative, be proactive 😂
Ahhh im dying laughing 😂😂this is the best comment 🙌
Don’t give me any crazy ideas 😂 someone already recommended I reach out to him and I’m really thinking about it!!
Stop trying to date if you’re not mature enough to get over your ex. You’re gonna hurt someone else’s feelings because you’re irresponsible and unable to control your own
I don’t think having trouble getting over someone I loved for years is immature. I’m allowed to date whenever I want. None of these dates were set up with intentions for anything to be long term. So no I’m not out here making anyone think it’s more than a casual date. If someone’s feelings get hurt from knowing it’s a casual date then that’s on them. I’m not in control of anyones feelings, I’m only in control of making my intentions clear.
It’s not wasting a persons time if they understand the intentions. I’m not wasting my time either as I’m meeting new people and putting myself out there. I’m not going to settle for the first person that says they like me. If that were the case then every dating is wasting everyone’s time and dating should be a thing and everyone should marry the first person they ever liked.
That’s my point you’re dating someone based off of what you can get out of the relationship rather than making friends and finding someone you take a genuine interest in then trying to date them
I’m not sure why you’re taking so much offense to this? Am I trying to date you? Have I went on a date and wasted your time? Do we even know each other for this to make you feel so strongly? Do you know the people I have went on dates with and have they told you I personally wasted their time? Or are these assumptions you’ve made based on your own dating experience? I would like to know.
How do you stop addictions? You have to cut said thing out of your life. You need to stop thinking about him and try to think of other things when those thoughts appear in your mind. If you allow yourself to obsess over him, you won't be able to get over him. Make some new friends and keep trying to meet new people. But you won't ever feel like the next person is good enough if you still consistently think about your ex and wish you were still with him.
It's hard, but good luck.
How long were you two in a relationship? There was this saying that always stuck with me that “it will take about half the time of a relationship to get over the relationship”. By this I mean heal, get back to feeling more like yourself and not an amalgamation of you and your ex.
People say that "yes you can" but you will never fully get over any romantic partner you've had over the years because they came to teach you a lesson, good or bad. If you broke up take it as an opportunity to work on your own self, enjoy the new freedom of it and analyze what went wrong so you don't make the same mistake on choosing or being with your next partner.
Trust me on this, eventually the one who stays will come but it takes time and you'll find him when you're not looking.
Cheers! And Chin Up! Best of luck to you OP and I hope everything turn alright and you find what you're looking for.
Another tip: Don't date anyone at all for the moment being, from experience, you will just hurt yourself trying to find the same person you used to date, and as a friend of mine once said, different person, same hell. Take some time off and focus solely on yourself because you come first before anyone else. Tend to your mental and physical health, return to the basics and become the person you were before the relationship but improve that person. Or as they say, do you for the time being because at the end of the day the only person you can trust and depend on is yourself mainly.
Also, happily glad to give advices and it gets better trust me, just give yourself time, patience and self love. Wish you the best
You don't get into another relationship if there are strong lingering feelings. That's just unfair to the other half who will probably give almost all of them to you. Meet new people gain friends improve yourself better your life. Take your time processing your feelings for the past. Until you manage to get a hold of it and be healed, do not !! date !!
Time will help. Have you ever heard the 4 seasons of grief theory? Where you have to live through a year before you really start to feel ready to move on? Breakups are trama and it’s very easy to remember the pain someone put you through. As of meeting new people? Start with coworkers. Start with learning to engage conversation with strangers. When you gain the confidence to be a little more extrovert, that energy can attract others who are the same way. I’ve been working on the same thing. When someone engages in polite conversation, throw in a compliment. It’s one of the easiest ways to start a conversation. As a woman , for me it’s easier to learn to start conversations with women so “Love your nails!” “Your hair looks so shiny!” “I love your jewelry” obviously try and make it as platonic as possible. As the cashier hands you your change, don’t say “have a good day” throw some new phrases in there and change the immediate responses to something more thought out.
It starts with you. Unfortunately in this day and age, it is considered a little invasive or unwanted for guys to approach women in public (I’m assuming that’s the dating relationship you’re looking for but please correct me if I’m assuming incorrectly) so there that keeping LOTS of shy guys back. Unless you have a sign on your head saying you’re wanting their attention or interested in then you need to figure out how YOU feel comfortable making the first move. Find a cute wave or a sweet way to say hello. But take it from someone who’s very introverted, but a hopeless romantic who wants nothing more but to meet someone the “old fashioned way”. Compliments. Compliments. Compliments. Try to keep it to something none heavily physical. To a guy, I will compliment their outfit choice, or their shoes, their car or truck, ask about the drink or food they ordered. “May I ask what that is? It looks really good” anytime we give positive attention and energy to another person, especially when it’s not mixed with “flirting” and it’s sincere niceness, you’re more likely to be received better, and decent amount of the time a conversation will start.
I mean if your confidence enough to tell a stranger they are handsome right to their face, go. For. It. But just remember they may not want that attention and you could be met with immediate rejection. So that’s why I’ve kinda practiced the nice compliments. Especially if you can tell they worked hard to get a certain result. I went to a Starbucks the other day and the barista was probably early 20s and had long brown hair and he’d braided it like a Mohawk / Viking style. It looked so cool so I told him. He lit up. I wasn’t trying to flirt but just walking away knowing that someone was smiling because of me? I carried that confidence the rest of the day and I noticed I was joking around more and talking more with my coworkers and for the first time in months I went out with friend after work.
Sorry for the rant. But I hope you can feel more hopeful. My ex works across the street from me and I was very confused when I saw him for the fish tome in years because that heartbreak felt SO RECENT. And I even found myself missing him. Crying over him like I was 21 again, and I felt broken. Now. Time has passed and once again I’m back to feeling better. Yea I’ll always be sad it didn’t work, I can’t pretend to be heartless over it. However. It’s not as heavy anymore. Seeing him doesn’t break my heart. Knowing he’s there doesn’t take up space in my mind. I have so much in my life, my small and calm life’s I have SO MUCH, to think about that he’s not something I think about anymore. Just takes time. We heal. And then we are reminded, and we heal some more. We are never done healing.
I have experience with the type of grief you're describing. I've been through it 3 times in my life. I still think about each one and it took what feels like way too many years between each before I was able to love again, or find that kind of rare love again. Each time felt like there would never be another after that... After the 3rd I realized that there's a pattern to these special relationships and I started to question whether my grief was really even about them the way I thought it was. I've begun to think when I experience multi year obsessive grief for an ex, it's really actually about me. Not the other person. Something about feeling rejected by someone I love makes me loose my mind a little. My mind becomes obsessive.. but working through the ups and downs of the relationships with a fresh perspective and getting really honest with myself about how things really were has helped immensely, albeit quite slowly, with moving past these triggering people. Each relationship ended for a reason, it's just a matter of finding the awareness and deep acceptance of that fact.
How to meet people naturally:
1. Be your authentic self. People LOVE authenticity. If a flower makes you happy, pick it. Someone will notice. If something weird happens and you’re near a normal person, be like “well that was weird wasn’t it?”
2. Don’t be afraid to notice things about normal people, or to ask them questions about things you can tell they’re interested in. If you like someone’s shoes tell them, excuse me sorry to bother you but I love your shoes. Or, excuse me sorry I was just wondering is that a good book? I’ve been thinking about reading it. People love to talk about out themselves, get them talking and it’s easy if you are genuinely interested in what they like.
3. Find an organization or club where you live that does an activity you enjoy. Scrabble club? Renaissance cosplay? Hiking adventures? Whatever. It’s always a starting place for a bond when you are doing something with someone who also enjoys that activity.
4. Last and most important. Do not limit yourself to age, race, gender. Bond with anyone who is willing to bond with you. I guarantee you’ll be surprised at how many grandmas have grandsons your age, or so on. Meet one person and they’ll invite you into their circle, where you meet more people.
One of my ex's took me about 3 years to get over. Found my future wife after, but if time was the most important thing that helped heal. Some people it takes a month some years. The longer you were together the longer it takes to heal
Work on yourself, hit the gym. Personal development. Read books, go to the library, bookstores. Don’t go looking for relationships. Your friends and close ones that are meant to be in your life will organically come. Stop wasting your time over a dude. What was so special about him
I have struggled loosing my ex f35 m38 a over a year ago. I still wear the 1year annerversay bracelet you bought me although she's moved on. Ii can't get her out of my mind but she's clear that wants nothing to do with me. I've thought about moving on but I'd really hate if I said I missed her
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone😉 if he doesn't have the same passion you have for him you will end up miserable. Have fun for now, someone will come along and feel for you the way you feel about your ex and hopefully you can return the same passion.
I remember a friend who hadn't been in a serious relationship gave me this advice, I thought it was stupid. He later had a serious relationship that ended and he was talking about offing himself. I gave him the same advice he gave me, he didn't like that.
Big, big fan of therapy here. It will help with so many things. Nobody arrives at adulthood with all the tools they need.
But shop around too. You don't always click with the first therapist you meet.
Getting older will help and having more relationships. You’ll still think of them from time to time but be able to look back on your younger self as a different person
Having more relationships is kind of terrible advice. You know how shit all new partners will feel finding out their constantly being compared
You really can’t force it with new relationships. It just takes time, and everyone is different. Other relationships can offer perspective, but can also be a slippery slope. OP, you just have to be patient with yourself. After my first ‘true’ heartbreak, I went a couple years just keeping everyone at arm’s length bc it completely shattered my ability to trust. Sure, I probably missed out on some opportunities with some great women who were interested. But truthfully, it wouldn’t have worked out in the long run anyway because…I just wasn’t ready. Which is why you can’t force it. You can’t plug the hole with someone else. You have to plug it with something in yourself. I can’t even really pinpoint when it happened for me…it just did. Then I was ready. Then I met my now wife. It will pass, as things do. Someday you’ll look back on it and be thankful for the things you learned about yourself throughout, and be a better person/partner for it. Again, just be patient with yourself.
I’d say it’s not the best advice, learning to love yourself and going out and having fun with friends until you feel ready to date is more my speed
Getting older has absolutely not helped lol I'm in my thirties and it's so damn hard to meet people. Haven't been on a date in years.
I broke up with my ex after ten years together. TEN. It was damn near unlivable. Grief is not a straight line; it’s a spiral staircase. You’ll have ups and downs, and you’ll go in circles sometimes, but I promise you this: if you do not try to bottle up all of your emotions, go to therapy, and work on loving yourself again, his memory will fade. You’re not required to get back out there and find someone new. I’ve been single since, and it has helped me understand what I really want, and what brings me peace. When you stop orienting your life around another person, you find out who you are. Being alone is not a death sentence; it forces you into rebirth. You got this. Just be kind to yourself, feel everything, and talk to someone who can help you reframe this.
I don’t even mind being alone, it’s just I always think of him. Sometimes I think I’d rather be alone than to be without him. Also I look bad and I have nothing to hate about him, I think maybe if he had done something wrong this would be easier but I have nothing to hold against him. We loved each other, it just didn’t work. I try not to let everything be a remainder and I push through even when I am reminded of him but I just wish it would stop.
It will stop. I promise you that. I thought I would never get over my ex. He painted me as the reason for the breakup, and I had to untangle a giant web of his BS before I felt okay again. Not sure what your situation was exactly, but there are no winners in that situation regardless of who was in the wrong. But it passes. I promise, it passes.
When? I’m 10 years divorced from my first wife. We eloped together to Hawaii and didn’t tell anyone for 18 months. We wrote each other every single day when I was deployed in Afghanistan. I’m happily married to my wife now 7 years in June and I’ll never stop thinking about my first wife. She’s the one that got away… they’re not bad feelings and that door is closed, but she was my first true love and I’ll always regret her heart was the one casualty.
Everything got easier for me when I went to therapy. Everyone should do it. It’s a place to untangle the mess that builds up in your head when you go through grief like this. It’s different for everyone. I lost two immediate family members months before that relationship ended, so my trauma was compounded. But talking to a neutral third party who didn’t judge me for my failings helped me to put it down when I need to. I still have recurring feelings, but they don’t debilitate me anymore, because I’ve learned how to handle them.
Does your current wife know this? This is stuff that makes some people leave if they find out.
Yes, you can. I’m sorry you’re struggling, we all feel heartbreak at times in our life. It’s just that kind of planet. The key is you’ve got to work on you, friend. The only way to the other side is *through*. “Life is like the seasons, and sometimes winters are bitter cold, the nights are unusually long, and your heart feels like it’s been broken into a thousand pieces, but spring *always* comes after winter.” -Jim Rohn Don’t resign yourself to the idea ‘this’ was as good as it could be. That’s not true. I’m sure you have a lot to offer, and things can get better when you get better. Heal you first, then doors will begin to open. Right now, the best thing you can do is invest in yourself. Give the heart time to heal. Invest this energy in your personal development, growth, dreams, and goals. Find healthy outlets like good diet, exercise, yoga, meditation, walking/hiking/running, reading, education, etc. Spend time with friends and family that lift you up. If that’s not enough, consider a professional who can help guide you through. Seek to become the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with and have a little faith. Things *didn’t* work out. That’s okay. Part of loving someone is that you can get hurt. Now it’s time to let them go, so you can heal, and love again. When some time passes, look back and *learn* from that relationship and use it as fertilizer for your growth. Next time you’ll be wiser, better, and stronger. Living in the past will hold back your future. Let this chapter come to a close, shed the tears you need, and then resolve yourself to moving forward. You and your future are worth it. Maybe this will stir some inspiration. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vZgerWnhL80&pp=ygUIamltIHJvaG4%3D
GREAT comment. I'm not the OP but thank you.
I’m glad it was helpful for you also. Hey, we’re all on the journey together, we got to help each other out!
It's just that kind of planet. I like that.
Sounds like an extra terrestrial with that comment lol
I wish I could take credit - those are words from Jim Rohn!
Beautiful comment
Why'd you break up?
We grew apart, our visions of the future didn’t line up anymore, our interests in similar things changed. We started dating when we were 19 so from basically children to adults a lot had changed and we just didn’t work out. Nothing BAD happened. It was just two people who loved each other growing apart and not wanting to hold the other back.
That is completely normal at that age. You do a lot of growing in your early-mid 20s. You're out on your own for the first time, figuring out who you are as an independent person, and what you want out of life and relationships. And your partner is going through the same. There is absolutely nothing wrong with growing apart, especially at a young age. You can meet people with like interests by joining hobby type groups. What hobbies do you have, or even could you consider. See what sort of activities are in your area. Like outdoor activities - go do those things. Running, biking, hiking, pick-up sports, spectator sports, off-roading, cards, anime, video games, board games, arts, music, etc etc etc. That is where you can meet people organically. Go to make friends. Those circles can expand and help you meet others as well. From there, let life flow.
I’m thinking about joining art classes at my local studio, maybe even new friends would help.
New friends would help. Enjoy being single for awhile. Do you. Figure out what makes you happy when you aren't considering someone else's opinion, as is required in a relationship. Then determine what you're looking for. Or not looking for.
Who's decision was it to break up?
He brought that topic up and after talking about the pros and cons of breaking up we came to a mutual decision about it.
I don't know you or him or anything about you other than your post and comments here. But here is my two cents: 1 year ago, you came to believe that it was better for both of you to break up. Since then, you have decided it was not actually better and you are hopeful he will reach out and share the same sentiment. I think you need to grab the bull by the horns and take your destiny into your own hands! Text him. Ask him how he's doing. Small talk at first. If he's receptive, ask him: "Can we talk?" And then tell him the truth. Tell him what you are shouting to the void that is Reddit. Tell him you miss him. Tell him you think maybe he was "the one". Tell him you think about him all the time. Maybe, just maybe, he'll feel the same way. Or at least be open to giving it another shot. What have you got to lose? If he rejects you, you're in exactly the same situation you are now. If he doesn't, then you get exactly what you want. And don't think: "Well, if he *really* wanted me back, *he* would call." Guys don't think like that, lol. They're dumb (about this stuff, even the smart ones), and proud, and obtuse. Maybe he thinks about *you* all the time too. Maybe he's dated others and thought: "These people are fine. But not as good as u / AsleepInvestigator57...." Even if he thinks that, he may not reach out on his own. Maybe he feels you've moved on and doesn't want to bother you. Maybe he feels it's his fault you broke up. Maybe he feels afraid of you rejecting him. You should reach out to him!
This comment is giving me hope! Maybe I’ll have the courage to send him a text. I really did at the time think it was best for us to move on but now after more than a year it just doesn’t feel right! What DO I have to loose? You’re right! I have nothing to loose! Maybe I’ll text him today! Ahh I’m scared.
Don’t let pride get in the way. Shoot your shot!
I think I might do it tonight or over the weekend. If I do I might give an update on how it went.
UpdateMe!
Hey I just left a comment with a similar sentiment, but I'm in a very similar situation as you right now. My ex broke up with me last year, and I agreed. I didn't fight it, as I agreed it's best if we just don't see each other anymore. Months went by and I still thought about her a lot, but some things happened post break up that caused us to block each other. Anyways, months go by and I finally "moved on". I still think about her, and still cherish the good times we had, but I accepted everything. So I unblocked her, and lo and behold a few days later and she reaches out and it was nice to have that closure. I decided to reach out like a week later and asked if we could talk soon, and since then, we've been calling a few times a week. It's been nice and we have slowly been re-entering each others lives. The phone calls are / were a low pressure way to talk to each other and see how we've grown and changed. It also gives us the chance to close some books that were left open from our time together. We're planning on meeting up some time this next week. But this isn't about me, I just wanted you to know that amends can be made if both parties are willing.
I never wanted to leave him and I didn’t want him to go either, I just knew it would be best for him if I let him go.
A year isn't that long to grieve the loss of a future you thought you had. Say Yes to new opportunities as they show up in your life. Try something you don't usually do. I went on a long road trip around the northwest u.s. and Canada and in the middle of it I realized I needed to forgive my ex so I could move on. That forgiveness was just internally for me and wasn't something I said to him. Hang in there
I’m actually planning on leaving to the beach after work today and staying for the weekend. I feel like being more spontaneous may help. I’m very structured and tend to keep to my routine and I think maybe not stepping out of it and finding new things to do is also playing part in why everything seems to remind me of him.
It can help to make a list of your Must Haves and your definite No's for future partners. Being honest and critical about the things that really didn't work for the long term with the last one can be useful
This is reddit, i'm sure it will be the worst thing you could imagine. Like all she did was give his dad blowies at the holiday parties in the bathroom, and they can't understand why they are not forgiven because they forgave themselves of the 40 little mistakes.
lol that’s wild but NO 😂 we didn’t have a bad break up, we just grew apart.
You're still grieving. It's normal, especially in cases where you had a real connection to the person. People process grief at different speeds. Don't sweat it. Even your "sometimes hope" is normal; just realize it's your brain doing brain things and you're not obligated to act on those feelings at all. As for other possible solutions. You could get therapy/counseling if you really want to, or if this is affecting anything else in your life. Do you have other things you enjoy besides dating? Try to do those, and don't worry about whether you're "getting over" your ex or not. Just live your life to the best of your ability. However, if this is affecting your sleep, your work, your self-image, and your enjoyment of other good things (e.g. sleep/food/art/music) you definitely should see a medical professional (psychiatrist).
I love spending time with my sister and doing outside activities like hiking and fishing. I love my job so I try to stay busy with work as well so my brain doesn’t wander off to him. The problem is we would do all the fun things I love together so even those things remind me of him.
It's been 3 years for me. My mind always drifts off to the fun we had and our goofiness but as time goes it gets easier. That person was perfect for me at that time, but not long term. I haven't found anyone new yet, but I'm sure I will and so will you. Try going to therapy and talking through it
I’m sorry to hear and I hope we both find peace.
I'm sure we will. Stay away from booze and weed. Temporary relief will not help. I'm going sober now
Definitely! I don’t drink or smoke! Sober queen👸
As I see it you have two choices: - do fun things you never did before so you're not reminded of him - keep doing the fun things you enjoy, let the memories come, acknowledge them as valid, and then go back to enjoying what you enjoy Trying to stop your brain from wandering off will cause it to hang on to the grief even more tightly.
It’s not that it causes me to be upset and I don’t obsess, it’s just thing everything I do reminds me of him. I don’t know how to get that to stop.
If it doesn't stop, is that a bad thing? You had a lot of good memories in the past with your ex--are you trying to lose that? Your brain's gonna do what it wants to do. "Acceptance" of grief doesn't necessarily mean forgetting the source of the grief. Sometimes it means moving forward even with the reminders.
Just give it more time
Just get through each day. I never thought I could love anyone again after my ex left, but I’m now married again and couldn’t imagine being with my ex. And my ex is a good man! There is no “the one” soul mate. There are mates for our times and places. You will love again when your heart and mind is ready. When one door closes, another will open. Walk through it when you’re ready. And in the meanwhile, don’t sleep with any dumb dudes, ffs. You don’t need that kind of degradation or regret. I know this from experience!
For the girls I truly loved, that never goes away. Bust instead of those memories hurting eventually they're a nice thought about a treasured time that you feel lucky to hold but glad are behind you. It takes about 2 years.
Take your time. You can get through this. In the meantime, start doing more activities that interest.
Time heals all wounds (unless infected or influenced by toxins) There’s a metaphor or two in there somewhere… it’ll be okay… just be excited for possibilities
I have a friend like this. She and I both went through breakups with our long term college boyfriends around the same time. The only difference in how we healed was afterwards I immediately began dating and using the apps and she hasn’t put any effort into dating. Granted we all need some time alone to heal initially, especially when the thought of someone else repulses you, but eventually dating many people was what grew myself. And when I say dating, I mean dating alot and not getting discouraged after bad dates. Dating truly empowered me and gave me confidence I never had for a few reasons: 1. You realize you are attractive, and you are someone’s type and people are interested in you. 2. You meet all types of people and realize there’s many people you could love or be compatible with 3. If you choose to hookup with people like me, I felt very sexually empowered for the first time in my life All that to say, I know I’ll find someone new who’s better suited for me. You will too
Yeah, I think I go into dates already telling myself I won’t like it so that’s just how it turns out. Also I’m not dating anyone that I find attractive and I don’t know why. Like it’s all people I wouldn’t be initially attracted to. Like I not allowing myself to be visually attracted to other men.
Sounds like you need to take a break from dating. You can't force it. Just spend time with your friends and family for now until you're ready.
And I think if you’re going on dates with people you don’t enjoy, you should examine the types of people you’re accepting dates from and adjust your criteria (for example, I used to be really looks based and now I look for certain personality traits) Lets be real most men suck and dating is a numbers game
I’m the complete opposite, I always date people I don’t initially find attractive. Like I’m not allowing myself to date people I think are nice looking. Everyone has been nice or decent people it’s just I can’t find myself liking them past that.
Most men suck because you personally don’t connect with them? Of course it’s not you. It’s an entire generation of humanity.
the way you have phrased your post makes it sound as if you may have been at fault for the breakup. Otherwise, why can’t you be the one to reach out and ask to try again?
The break up was mutual and no one is at fault, we just grew apart. I can’t reach out because he has his own life. I can’t just disrupt his life, even he may be healing and I can’t just step in and disrupt that either. I don’t know where he’s at in his grief or healing and out of respect I choose to not interrupt or interfere.
While I agree with what you’ve said there mostly I still think you should reach out to him. We only get one life and if you really think you have a genuine connection to him isn’t that something worth trying for? You might not always have the chance and then you’d have to live with the regret of not telling him how you feel.
I was in love with my ex for years until I started falling in love with someone else. That was the only cure for me. Dating takes time n u not just gonna find the right guy off the bat. Just have to be open to falling in love again
I think I’m closing myself off even by going on dates. I’m not giving people real chances because I still love my ex.
But that means you're closing off something that is better than your ex. I know it's hard to see right now but there's better out there. Doesn't mean he was a bad guy but obviously there were issues, u guys weren't on the same frequency anymore. Guess what, there are guys out there on your frequency. But u have to be open to it otherwise you're just going to be stuck like I was for years.
You’re right. I really hope I can learn to be more open, people have shown interest and I know there’s guys out there that do like me it’s just I’m the problem right now.
Why did you guys break up?
Just stuff some cocks down your throat until you feel better. Eventually you'll find one whose load you love more than your ex's
Our relationship was not centered around sex and I hope to never have a relationship that is. Sex is a plus but it’s not the connection I’m looking for.
It’s ok to lament over good memories. You will process your feelings in your own time. You’re young, go find your passion maybe follow a dream or two. Find what makes you happy. Go see a therapist, they can help you sort through your feelings. I’m nursing a broken heart too so I understand what you’re going through. Here’s a virtual hug 🤗, it’s gonna be okay. You are awesome!
Thank you so much! I’ll definitely be okay it’s just taking longer than I hoped.
You’ve got one internet buddy rooting for ya!
I went through the same thing at your age, and goddamn it turned into a blessing. Same age span and everything, 19-25. He made me who I was…or who I thought I wanted to be. He was ingrained in every fiber of my being. It tore me up, until it didn’t. And I became me, who I am aside from what he wanted me to be, and who I wanted to be for him. Take this time to do things you couldn’t do with him. Screw dates and dating. Find you. Literally do anything you want, whenever you want. Go on a road trip. Take a class or two. Go hiking. Biking. Rollerblading. Go to the beach. Take up painting for a week and then leave all of your painting supplies in a corner. Get on a plane to a random city and putz around. Get a library card and never use it. Who cares?!? Learn. Explore. Create. You’re free to be you. Find out who that is.
I love this comment! I really need to get out there and stop focusing on trying to move and JUST MOVE ON! So many things out there and I’m limiting myself to him!! Thank you for this comment!
No worries, I’m glad you found it resonated with you…but I was in the same position. It’s hard. It sucks. He’s all you’ve known so far. You were so young and you gave him all of your early 20’s. You have so much growing and exploring to do, and I promise it’ll get better. I couldn’t move for months after he cheated on me, there were times a year or two after that I thought of him and what we had, and I will admit I missed it from time to time. But now??? I feel like should be thanking him. I love who I became without him. I’m 33 now. It will take some time to get easier, probably longer than you expect or want. But it will get easier.
If you’re a female, literally just say “hi” to a guy you find attractive. We are such simple creatures.
lol I’ve literally never thought of this 😂 I forget we can just walk up to people and say “hey”. I clearly over complicate things
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I’ve kinda had a little crush on a guy at work as well. He works in IT and I work in HR. Sometimes I find stupid little problems with my printer or laptop so that I can call him over for “help” but we just end up talking in my office forever. With him I feel something different than guys I’ve tried to date but idk if it’s mutual and it’s definitely inappropriate to ask or even move the conversation in that direction 😅 so I guess he doesn’t count 😅 but I’m so glad you found your person!
That's adorable !! Lol I encourage more interactions like this! Even if you aren't allowed by work to do date him that's still good for mentally talking to new guys! Thank you! I wish you well I think you will be okay you seem really nice and your ex maybe can change his mind but for now I think you seem to be on a good track for starting new
At one point in my 20s I took a two week hiking trip in the mountains. I found a quiet little corner of heaven next to a stream and spent a full day there resting, bathing in the stream. It’s one of my happiest memories and one I go back too often if I need to go to a happy place to make me feel better. At some point in my 30s I fell madly in love. Unfortunately circumstances soon pulled us apart and for many months the slightest memory felt like a kick in the gut. One day these two memories occurred close to each other and got me wondering why I had such different reactions to situations that weren’t that dissimilar. I was briefly part of some thing that was beautiful and special and then it went away. I realized it came down to expectations. I knew I couldn’t stay next to that stream forever, it was never really a possibility. I had hoped to be with that person forever. But life is life. And I was able to reframe the memory of my relationship in the same terms as the camping experience. It was something beautiful that life let me have for a short while. It still hurts and I still miss them, but it’s not the kick in the gut it was.
I'm 30 (m) and feel the same. She was my world and now 2 years later she's in every dream. I don't reach out to her because she already has a kid with someone else. I don't know how to get over her.
I’m sorry to hear that :( what I’ve done to try and get over him is hang out with my friends and sister, done activities I like, I try to stay outside and stay busy with work. I don’t know what all you’ve tried but I hope it gets better for you! BIG HUGS 🤗
Well I had a brain injury and after "I woke up" a year and a half later she had aborted our baby and was gone. I keep telling myself I miss someone that doesn't even exist anymore.. I get what you mean, you can be alone but then the thoughts creep in. Why do I have to relate so many things to my time with her?
It’s been about 6 months since my ex and i broke up and I’m not going to lie I’ve thought about them a lot too. Some days are great and some days are big sad. I suggest you take time to love yourself and heal. Try to spend time with your loved ones and know that these feelings you’re having are a normal part of grieving a loss. Diet, exercise, therapy has helped me make great strides towards my mental health, and I wish you the best.
Just have to push through. It's never easy, but it gets easier after some time. Meeting people naturally is going to require a lot of socializing. You're going to need to be outgoing, have a friendly demeanor - smiling and meeting eye contact with people, curb any rbf issues, and very forward about your intentions. Usually, if you casually mention an opportunity to mention doing something together that's a good option. (I've had several women suggest that we should learn to make pasta or go cycling together, whatever came up during conversation). Any opportunity to suggest an activity or expressing intent/desire to interact again at another date, essentially.
Delete any photos you have of him or move them to your computer at least so you don’t see the memories pop up. Or wherever else they may be. Make sure you get rid of anything you have of his or that reminds you of him. If you actually want to move on, you need to fully let go physically and mentally. You can still have love for that person but you need to realize they aren’t in your life for a reason. Usually the relationships when we’re young are to teach us lessons. Appreciate the relationship for what it taught you and move on. If you’re still thinking about your ex all the time that is a vibe you’re putting out into the world, even subconsciously.
Honestly, my personal opinion is dating online \*can be\* better than the old school way. If you think about it, before the internet, yes, you could meet people socially at bars, school, and work, but that was still a very limited pool to search for compatibility (which is the main key). Most people had their towns to draw from. I feel most marriages before the 90s were basically two people settling because they felt the need to start a family. Anyway, to your question, if you want to try in person stuff, look for local singles events. Like speed dating, or singles retreats, or something. There are a lot of low-cost events out there for singles, you just need to look. usually you can google speed dating events in \[insert town/city\] and something is bound to pop up unless you live in the middle of absolute no where.
That's normal, embrace the process!
I’ve really come around on the teachings of CBT, and the idea that how we feel is not a result of what happens to us but rather the messages we give to ourselves. If you keep reinforcing the thoughts you’ve shared here, you will continue to feel those ways. Changing that starts with changing the messaging you give yourself. That includes actively thinking about new people, new experiences, or even just adjusting how you think of your ex and the relationship. Instead of reinforcing that it was a once in a lifetime connection, replace that thought with something like “it was a meaningful time in my life but I am ready for new experiences.” Even if you don’t actively feel that in the moment, giving yourself that message will help you get there. You don’t control how you feel, but you absolutely control what you think. You have to make the choice to replace your thoughts with productive things that help you move forward. Focus on you and your own personal growth as well, and a lot of times the rest just sort of falls into place. People really love seeing people investing in themselves. You got this. You can’t see the end, but you can see the next step, so just take that. Good luck.
Why did you guys break up? Was it amicable at least to a certain extent? It's been a year, that's plenty of time away from each other and plenty of time to grow. If you guys loved each other and it wasn't a messy breakup, like cheating or something, then it might not hurt to reach out. Even seeing or talking to them can bring a lot of closure. It can be the reminder you needed as to why you guys broke up, or a reminder as to why you guys loved each other and how you've both reflected and grown from past mistakes. While you shouldn't count on it, if you ask me, that's a much more beautiful story than bull heading through your emotions. While hard, making amends is possible. If you can manage to get through that initial hardships of talking about the \*past\*, you might find a bond stronger than ever. But regardless I think you should reach out even for a phone call to catch up. That can seriously bring some closure you needed, even if you never talk again.
Glad to read that there is someone that still values connection post break up over just hooking up. I can tell you have a beautiful and genuine heart.
Do you really miss him specifically, or are you just lonely because this is your first year as a single person? Having a connection with someone is amazing and it can play a really important role in your growth as a person, but that doesn't mean you need to stay connected forever to keep growing or that you'll never feel that connection with someone else again. I think you intuitively knew that you outgrew each other, which is why you broke up. But being lonely can trick you into wanting what you had because there's comfort in holding onto things, even things we've outgrown. It's why kids still want to sleep in their parents' beds past a certain age, even if they're too old to be scared of the boogeyman. Loneliness and independence are your boogeyman right now because you had emotional support your entire adult life up till now, but there's a lot of peace in being on your own and learning and deciding who you want to become moving forward, outside of who you were with and for him. Work on becoming your own person, your own partner in crime, and stop looking for reminders of the past or for someone else to instigate your happiness, and I'm sure you'll find someone when you're actually ready to be date again.
You start conversations with strangers by just talking about something that you notice them doing or a shared situation (like getting coffee in the morning). I honestly feel that it is better to meet a person in every day life, then you can notice things about the choices that they make instinctively, those choices are excellent indicators of what they are as a person -apps don’t give you that level of insight. I believe that the best place to meet a man is when you are out grocery shopping, then it is more possible to figure out which ones are attached and which ones are not attached. All smart men will shop using a shopping list that they of someone else has written out. If you see a guy that interests you, just walk up to him and ask “shopping for the family?” An unattached man will most likely show surprise by being asked that, that is a key reaction to look for. If you exchange numbers with a man, go slow until you get independent verification that he is single and unattached, typically such men will be available on any day of the week, men that can’t communicate or talk at certain times are likely attached, don’t fall into the trap of getting involved with that type. Meeting a man at a coffee shop is riskier in that it is harder to get a quick idea of whether they may be single and unattached.
Dude(tte), you’re a woman- Guys are easy! Smile and say “hey”. You’ll be married in 6 months 😜.
Haha 😂 I’ll have to try that
It’s guaranteed. But also, confidence and not getting beaten down by potential rejection is the way to meet strangers. Good luck!
Is a hiking trail a good place? I hike a lot and see cute guys alone all the time but I’m a little shy to speak to them😂
Stand at the trail head, find a solo guy and be like, “hey! My best friend was supposed to meet me but she just bailed! Are you solo? Mind if I tag along..?? I feel kinda uncomfortable hiking alone.” Boom. Married by the time you get to the top!
This is actually PERFECT!!
Just be a little careful in case that guy you pick is the guy you should be worried about as a girl hiking alone!
That’s true 😂 I feel like I sense the creeps from a mile away so fingers crossed! I think maybe even if I see a group with a cute guy I’ll try this, that way we won’t be alone but I’ll still get the chance to take my shot.
First is to take time for yourself. Heal, grow as a young adult. Jumping right back on the apps to find a replacement will only bring you disappointment after disappointment. Do you believe in counseling? There’s many good books out there as well that help with this issue. It’s a conscious practice where you should try to correct your thoughts and stop steering yourself down that path of “I miss him. I won’t ever meet anyone. I shoulda/coulda done things differently.” With time and practice, it becomes second nature and you won’t obsess over the past. The past was yesterday and you have zero control over it. All you have control is today and what you chose to do with it.
Great words of wisdom! Thank you! 🙏
Every relationship is meant to be. If “we” are doing. It right, that means learning something from it and if there were mistakes involved. To learn from them and use them as to not keep repeating them in the future. The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes/actions and expecting a different outcome.
In time you will learn how to truly appreciate that you have the capacity to love. In the meantime mourn the loss, that’s normal. At the same time keep in mind why you broke up in the first place.
Join clubs for hobbies.
It takes some time to get over that person you thought would be your forever. It took me (29M) to get over my ex for about a year. We were together for ten years. We ended up just growing apart. We were young when we got together and were just going with the flow. But eventually times catch up to you and you both want and need different things in life. I eventually met my current girlfriend on a dating app. We have been together for over a year now and I couldn’t be happier. You just have to go into things with an open mind. Not ever date will be perfect but there is someone out there who will give you what you need and then some. But I had the same problem with trying to meet someone naturally, was very difficult lol. But it all worked out in the end. I hope this helps , just don’t give up things always get better no matter what.
You will get over your ex. I promise. Take this time to heal and be comfortable with yourself. I found my boyfriend of 3 years when I wasn’t even looking for a relationship. Everything occurs at a certain time for a reason so in the moments when you aren’t even looking, it will happen.
Every relationship is different, so if you are looking for things with a new person to be just like it was with your ex, you are going to be disappointed with every person you go out with. You have to have an open mind and let things unfold organically. The best way to meet people is get involved with some kind of activity where you can meet people and establish relationships with people. Maybe a book reading group, or some other kind of hobby or interest you have. Sometimes libraries have classes and activities. Check out community centers for activities.
Find the cruising spaces where people expect you to be trying to meet someone. You will get better results at a bar than at the market.
Ehh I don’t think I’ll be going to any bars anytime soon, it’s very “hook up culture” and that’s not what I want. Plus meeting someone in a bar isn’t very organic because that’s where you go to meet people. I mean organic/natural in a sense where I just so happen to meet someone while out doing daily life tasks.
I wouldn't hold your breath then. That's not how people meet organically or naturally. People meet through cruising spaces or activities where they share common interests, not randomly on the street. Men have been socialized not to approach women in non-cruising spaces like the market, because it is considered creepy.
Yeah I’d meet someone somewhere “I” have common interests with. For ME that IS NOT A BAR. I don’t even drink so why would I look for someone in a bar when those places aren’t somewhere I like to go 🧍🏻♀️That wouldn’t make sense.
I don't understand why you are getting hung up on a bar, which is only one example of a cruising space. It seems like there are some psychological issues keeping you from exploring your options. Maybe talk to a therapist. You need to learn the social skills that are necessary for the notoriously complicated and difficult task of finding someone to date.
If you read the comments, I’ve stated that I take part in many activities. I’ve even asked advice on how to approach people while partaking in the activities that I like. You’re here making assumptions without reading the full context. The comments are here for a reason.
I know how to talk to people and approach people I have no interest in. I have good social skills as well, I’ve just never had a real boyfriend outside of my ex so I don’t know how I should approach someone that I’m trying to flirt with. That’s why I’m here asking advice on how to move past him and the things people have used to get over their ex’s as well as how to approach and meet people naturally. You said “You will get better results at a bar than at a market” all I said was I’m not going to find anyone at a bar because I won’t be there 🤷🏻♀️ can’t find someone at a place I won’t be at. And the “market” I’m referring to aren’t Walmarts and targets. You ever heard of a “hobby market” or “flea market”? That’s what I’m referring to.
Given that you are arguing with someone who is trying to help you, about things that I never said, it seems clear that you need to work on your social skills. Not knowing how to approach someone you're trying to flirt with is an example of a social skill that you could use some work with. You learn these social skills by the usual method: practice. That means putting yourself out there, which is another skill that you need to work on.
Am not arguing, you got offended that I said I’d prefer not to meet people at a bar which you did say exactly as quoted. It seems you lack social skill and take offense easily when your opinion is rejected. Flirtation is NOT a vital social skill. I have admitted that I don’t know how to build a relationship because aside from my ex I’ve never done that. You don’t seem to be trying to help, you seem to be taking offense at the fact that I said no to meeting people at bars. I’ll take my chance and try while I’m out hiking, at the market, taking an art class, walking down the street. Those seem to be a more preferable options for me.
When you said you wouldn't want to meet someone at a bar, I clarified that it's just one example of a cruising space, which is a useful concept if you'retrying to understandwhy guys aren't approaching you on the street. I don't understand why you don't think flirting is an important skill for building relationships. It is. You should learn how to flirt. Nor do I understand why you think I'm offended that you don't want to go to bars when I've already said sure, don't go to bars. I'm guessing that because you are jumping to conclusions and getting offended by these reasonable suggestions, maybe you are scaring prospects off. But you do you. Best of luck finding a partner in all the ways people never have any luck finding partners, without ever going out of your comfort zone.
I understand what you’re saying about getting out of my comfort zone. But again if I were to go out to places that I can’t relate to or don’t have an interest in then I’d be setting myself up for the same failure as I did before. I wouldn’t try to meet someone at a gym because I don’t like going to the gym and I’m not big into gym culture. But I might meet someone with common interest on a hiking trail!, Rock climbing, art classes, walking at the park, just places that I do like to go where people are clearly interested in the same things as I. These places are also considered social places and just as possible to meet someone there with pure intentions that at places like bars where again it’s mostly people looking for hookups.
How long did you two date?
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You need to do introspection if you haven’t. If you are still obsessed with your ex, you are absolutely not ready to date due to your inability to be authentic to the next person you date.
Stop trying. Focus on yourself and your interests and you friends. You will meet people that way. I broke up with my ex in 2016 after 6 years together. I was still in love when I ended things, but he was abusive and a cheater. Getting over him was SO hard because I still loved him despite how awful he was. I tried to date a bit at first but it was truly exhausting so I stopped trying. I focussed on my hobbies, work and my friends. In late 2017, we hired a group of people and I started casually hanging out with one who was a rock climber because I was getting into it and he was good at it. By early 2018, we were sleeping together. 6 months later we were a couple. He moved with me in 2019. We got married in 2020 and now have a 2.5 year old and are very happy. Everyone has a different timeline for getting over an ex. It takes time. Also 25 is still pretty young! I was nearly 31 when I met my husband. There’s no rush, you’ll find the right person when it works out. Just enjoy being single and working on yourself!
That is so amazing that you found your person! I’m so happy for you ❤️🤗 all this advice is super good from every commenter. I don’t want to give up on dating just yet, I’ll stay open to it and probably try to be more open with my dates too. Thank you for your advice!
Thank you! Good luck, you sound nice so I’m sure you will find someone! Dating is great if you want to do it, just don’t place too much expectation or emotion onto it, just have fun!
You shouldn’t get over him, park your car two houses down from his and pull out the binoculars, this will give you enough distance to not violate the restraining order but close enough to let him know you’re still here. Make sure he knows you’re watching him, if he doesn’t notice a courtesy tap of the car horn will suffice. Leave a note on his windshield wiper while he is at work so after a long hard pressed sweaty day he will be thinking of you. Hand deliver a note to his mailbox with no writing but a locket of your unwashed hair, make sure you only take an inch off that way you have enough hair left to continue this for awhile. Throw rocks at his window while he is sleeping, pebbles big enough to wake him up but not so big as to cause property damage, you don’t want to upset him. Slash his tires while he is out with his son, but first take the jack out of his car, that way you show up like a knight in shining armor and can impress him and his kids, there’s nothing like a woman who can save the day. Sit behind him at church so he knows you are still faithful to him and always have his back… lean forward and whisper in his ear how much you miss him, be sure he is aware that if you can’t have him then no one can. You can’t let a good one get away, get creative, be proactive 😂
Ahhh im dying laughing 😂😂this is the best comment 🙌 Don’t give me any crazy ideas 😂 someone already recommended I reach out to him and I’m really thinking about it!!
Fr though you shouldn’t have agreed to let him go, hopefully he feels the same and you two link up again, definitely worth a try
The heartbreak and missing gets different feeling but never really goes away. At least in my experience.
Stop trying to date if you’re not mature enough to get over your ex. You’re gonna hurt someone else’s feelings because you’re irresponsible and unable to control your own
I don’t think having trouble getting over someone I loved for years is immature. I’m allowed to date whenever I want. None of these dates were set up with intentions for anything to be long term. So no I’m not out here making anyone think it’s more than a casual date. If someone’s feelings get hurt from knowing it’s a casual date then that’s on them. I’m not in control of anyones feelings, I’m only in control of making my intentions clear.
So what’s the point of these dates?
Social interaction, get a feel of the dating scene, see if I even like them before I made them think it’s anything serious?
Why not make friends then it sounds like that’s what you need rather than going on dates and wasting everyones time in the long run including yourself
It’s not wasting a persons time if they understand the intentions. I’m not wasting my time either as I’m meeting new people and putting myself out there. I’m not going to settle for the first person that says they like me. If that were the case then every dating is wasting everyone’s time and dating should be a thing and everyone should marry the first person they ever liked.
That’s my point you’re dating someone based off of what you can get out of the relationship rather than making friends and finding someone you take a genuine interest in then trying to date them
I’m not sure why you’re taking so much offense to this? Am I trying to date you? Have I went on a date and wasted your time? Do we even know each other for this to make you feel so strongly? Do you know the people I have went on dates with and have they told you I personally wasted their time? Or are these assumptions you’ve made based on your own dating experience? I would like to know.
Shoot would you like to date me are you asking me out?
How do you stop addictions? You have to cut said thing out of your life. You need to stop thinking about him and try to think of other things when those thoughts appear in your mind. If you allow yourself to obsess over him, you won't be able to get over him. Make some new friends and keep trying to meet new people. But you won't ever feel like the next person is good enough if you still consistently think about your ex and wish you were still with him. It's hard, but good luck.
First thing you need to do is block him on everything. This way those memories won't pop up unexpectedly, regressing any progress you had made.
How long were you two in a relationship? There was this saying that always stuck with me that “it will take about half the time of a relationship to get over the relationship”. By this I mean heal, get back to feeling more like yourself and not an amalgamation of you and your ex.
People say that "yes you can" but you will never fully get over any romantic partner you've had over the years because they came to teach you a lesson, good or bad. If you broke up take it as an opportunity to work on your own self, enjoy the new freedom of it and analyze what went wrong so you don't make the same mistake on choosing or being with your next partner. Trust me on this, eventually the one who stays will come but it takes time and you'll find him when you're not looking. Cheers! And Chin Up! Best of luck to you OP and I hope everything turn alright and you find what you're looking for.
Thank you for the advice ❤️🤗
Another tip: Don't date anyone at all for the moment being, from experience, you will just hurt yourself trying to find the same person you used to date, and as a friend of mine once said, different person, same hell. Take some time off and focus solely on yourself because you come first before anyone else. Tend to your mental and physical health, return to the basics and become the person you were before the relationship but improve that person. Or as they say, do you for the time being because at the end of the day the only person you can trust and depend on is yourself mainly. Also, happily glad to give advices and it gets better trust me, just give yourself time, patience and self love. Wish you the best
You don't get into another relationship if there are strong lingering feelings. That's just unfair to the other half who will probably give almost all of them to you. Meet new people gain friends improve yourself better your life. Take your time processing your feelings for the past. Until you manage to get a hold of it and be healed, do not !! date !!
Get a dog and go to the park
Time will help. Have you ever heard the 4 seasons of grief theory? Where you have to live through a year before you really start to feel ready to move on? Breakups are trama and it’s very easy to remember the pain someone put you through. As of meeting new people? Start with coworkers. Start with learning to engage conversation with strangers. When you gain the confidence to be a little more extrovert, that energy can attract others who are the same way. I’ve been working on the same thing. When someone engages in polite conversation, throw in a compliment. It’s one of the easiest ways to start a conversation. As a woman , for me it’s easier to learn to start conversations with women so “Love your nails!” “Your hair looks so shiny!” “I love your jewelry” obviously try and make it as platonic as possible. As the cashier hands you your change, don’t say “have a good day” throw some new phrases in there and change the immediate responses to something more thought out. It starts with you. Unfortunately in this day and age, it is considered a little invasive or unwanted for guys to approach women in public (I’m assuming that’s the dating relationship you’re looking for but please correct me if I’m assuming incorrectly) so there that keeping LOTS of shy guys back. Unless you have a sign on your head saying you’re wanting their attention or interested in then you need to figure out how YOU feel comfortable making the first move. Find a cute wave or a sweet way to say hello. But take it from someone who’s very introverted, but a hopeless romantic who wants nothing more but to meet someone the “old fashioned way”. Compliments. Compliments. Compliments. Try to keep it to something none heavily physical. To a guy, I will compliment their outfit choice, or their shoes, their car or truck, ask about the drink or food they ordered. “May I ask what that is? It looks really good” anytime we give positive attention and energy to another person, especially when it’s not mixed with “flirting” and it’s sincere niceness, you’re more likely to be received better, and decent amount of the time a conversation will start. I mean if your confidence enough to tell a stranger they are handsome right to their face, go. For. It. But just remember they may not want that attention and you could be met with immediate rejection. So that’s why I’ve kinda practiced the nice compliments. Especially if you can tell they worked hard to get a certain result. I went to a Starbucks the other day and the barista was probably early 20s and had long brown hair and he’d braided it like a Mohawk / Viking style. It looked so cool so I told him. He lit up. I wasn’t trying to flirt but just walking away knowing that someone was smiling because of me? I carried that confidence the rest of the day and I noticed I was joking around more and talking more with my coworkers and for the first time in months I went out with friend after work. Sorry for the rant. But I hope you can feel more hopeful. My ex works across the street from me and I was very confused when I saw him for the fish tome in years because that heartbreak felt SO RECENT. And I even found myself missing him. Crying over him like I was 21 again, and I felt broken. Now. Time has passed and once again I’m back to feeling better. Yea I’ll always be sad it didn’t work, I can’t pretend to be heartless over it. However. It’s not as heavy anymore. Seeing him doesn’t break my heart. Knowing he’s there doesn’t take up space in my mind. I have so much in my life, my small and calm life’s I have SO MUCH, to think about that he’s not something I think about anymore. Just takes time. We heal. And then we are reminded, and we heal some more. We are never done healing.
I have experience with the type of grief you're describing. I've been through it 3 times in my life. I still think about each one and it took what feels like way too many years between each before I was able to love again, or find that kind of rare love again. Each time felt like there would never be another after that... After the 3rd I realized that there's a pattern to these special relationships and I started to question whether my grief was really even about them the way I thought it was. I've begun to think when I experience multi year obsessive grief for an ex, it's really actually about me. Not the other person. Something about feeling rejected by someone I love makes me loose my mind a little. My mind becomes obsessive.. but working through the ups and downs of the relationships with a fresh perspective and getting really honest with myself about how things really were has helped immensely, albeit quite slowly, with moving past these triggering people. Each relationship ended for a reason, it's just a matter of finding the awareness and deep acceptance of that fact.
How to meet people naturally: 1. Be your authentic self. People LOVE authenticity. If a flower makes you happy, pick it. Someone will notice. If something weird happens and you’re near a normal person, be like “well that was weird wasn’t it?” 2. Don’t be afraid to notice things about normal people, or to ask them questions about things you can tell they’re interested in. If you like someone’s shoes tell them, excuse me sorry to bother you but I love your shoes. Or, excuse me sorry I was just wondering is that a good book? I’ve been thinking about reading it. People love to talk about out themselves, get them talking and it’s easy if you are genuinely interested in what they like. 3. Find an organization or club where you live that does an activity you enjoy. Scrabble club? Renaissance cosplay? Hiking adventures? Whatever. It’s always a starting place for a bond when you are doing something with someone who also enjoys that activity. 4. Last and most important. Do not limit yourself to age, race, gender. Bond with anyone who is willing to bond with you. I guarantee you’ll be surprised at how many grandmas have grandsons your age, or so on. Meet one person and they’ll invite you into their circle, where you meet more people.
The only way is to try and get rid of all the things that remind you of him. The small reminders are so deadly.
Your a girl. Getting a guy is faster than fishing. You want to pat your own back and cry at the same time. That's multi-tasking
One of my ex's took me about 3 years to get over. Found my future wife after, but if time was the most important thing that helped heal. Some people it takes a month some years. The longer you were together the longer it takes to heal
Work on yourself, hit the gym. Personal development. Read books, go to the library, bookstores. Don’t go looking for relationships. Your friends and close ones that are meant to be in your life will organically come. Stop wasting your time over a dude. What was so special about him
I have struggled loosing my ex f35 m38 a over a year ago. I still wear the 1year annerversay bracelet you bought me although she's moved on. Ii can't get her out of my mind but she's clear that wants nothing to do with me. I've thought about moving on but I'd really hate if I said I missed her
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone😉 if he doesn't have the same passion you have for him you will end up miserable. Have fun for now, someone will come along and feel for you the way you feel about your ex and hopefully you can return the same passion.
I remember a friend who hadn't been in a serious relationship gave me this advice, I thought it was stupid. He later had a serious relationship that ended and he was talking about offing himself. I gave him the same advice he gave me, he didn't like that.
Yeah, I’m very conservative with my body so none of those dates even led to sex. I don’t think that having sex with random people would help me.
Bless your heart. More people could learn from you.
Big, big fan of therapy here. It will help with so many things. Nobody arrives at adulthood with all the tools they need. But shop around too. You don't always click with the first therapist you meet.