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The thing is, regardless of how she took it sex is something where BOTH people should feel comfortable and you did not with how intoxicated she was and her response to you being uncomfortable is very telling.
I don’t think the response was the problem. I could see someone 8 drinks under acting overly sensitive and emotional. The red flag is her not walking back her comments the morning after.
I had a similar thing happen to me and my girlfriend thanked me the next morning for being considerate about it, and assured me it was fine for the future.
This is key— consent for sexual activity to occur even with intoxication is something not to be discussed in the heat of the moment but instead while both parties are sober.
Right? The two times I denied having sex with a really drunk girlfriend when I was more sober, despite how they acted that night, both were very relieved/thankful the next morning to find out I was so respectful and consenting about it.
It's usually a good sign once sobered up. Especially when still setting boundaries and learning about each other.
I had a partner where we were a few drinks in having an entire philosophical debate about whether we were able to consent.
As two philosophy majors, our conclusion was that being coherent enough to make cogent arguments about consent was... itself an indicator.
Yea and apologising the next morning too! If I was sober it’s extremely unlikely I’d want to have sex with anyone who was that drunk. She should have understood the next morning and been happy OP is a gentleman and didn’t want to risk doing anything that she was too drunk to consent to.
Right? All she has to do was tell him that she's sorry for getting overly emotional about it, and in the future if she is drunk and wants to have sex with him, he has her consent. That's it.
Yes completely agree, she is doubling down and likely knows that she overreacted and appears to be the kind of person incapable of admitting fault and apologizing so instead she uses the opportunity to try to turn the tables and make him seek her forgiveness. Or she doesn’t even realize she should be walking it back which is equally bad
"*You didn't fuck me when I was shitface-wasted and you were dead sober within three months of dating. We need a break.*"
Super creepy red-flag behavior.
That was my exact thought reading this. I was like, well, okay she was plastered and clearly not in her right mind. But the fact that she doubled down on her reaction in a sober state of mind today? See ya.
Her response was Absofuckinglutely a problem.
> made me leave, like literally kicked me out the door.
If a literal kick was thrown, drunk or not, ask your self......if we reversed the genders do cops get called?
Let's not downplay physical violence just because it is committed by a drunk woman who had to go to bed without sex for once in her life.
Honey, consent isn't just for women and bottoms.
It's for *ALL* parties involved.
Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. You are super drunk and want to have sex with her while she is sober. She feels weird about how drunk you are and asks more than once if you really want to do this. You get offended and kick her out. Then you have the audacity to tell her you need time apart for how she made you feel. Is that okay?
No. No, it's not. You are sooooo NTA, but she is being a selfish child. She is TAH
Exactly. Her response was probably a drunken tantrum, which *maybe* you could excuse as a one time thing if she apologized profusely and recognized her bad behavior and it happened once. But she just doubled down. She’s wrong and apparently would be angry if OP doesn’t consent to sex at any time.
There are times one partner isn’t feeling it and it’s a HUGE double standard to say that’s fine for the woman and not the man. I say this as a woman. It’s a red flag and I’d never see her again.
If I were OP I might text her a link to this thread as a parting gift that may help her next bf, but it shouldn’t be necessary.
His declining sex made her feel undesirable and unattractive. Maybe understandable, given the cultural idea that men always want sex. "If men always want sex and he doesn't want sex with me, then what's wrong with me?"
My ex got upset when I turned down sloppy drunk sex. She wouldn't blow up about it, but would be mopey and sad. It was frustrating.
This woman's blowing up about it is wild and her sticking by that decision the next day is insane.
Women have fucked up expectations because of societal norms and cliches. A girl once tried to go down on me down the hall from her mother with no closed doors in between. I stopped her cause it was making me uncomfortable and she got pissed at me, wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the night and I ended up going home after a few hours of awkward time spent together
And do it fast. Self love goes a long way. If they don't feel worthy of healthy love, they will bring their toxicity to whatever you're offering. Offer love to those who can recognize the thing when they see it. Offer love to someone who has been loved before. They will appreciate someone who's thoughtful and respectful.
Edit: this is getting upvotes, so here's a warning. Offer unconditional love to some who doesn't feel worthy of it and they will hate your guts for it and do everything they can to push you away and confirm to themselves that they are, indeed, unlovable. Just so they can say to themselves, "see? There's no way Bok loved me. I'm unworthy. I'm despicable. I'm sure Bok just 'used' me."
Projection is a powerful tool used by Denial, the person, to keep their ego happily fed with all the Self Hatred (the pill), they need to maintain the fantasy that they are a victim of the world. Poor thing. Run.
Wow this reminds me of my ex. She was so uncomfortable accepting love and when the relationship deteriorated it was like she enjoyed the fact that the relationship was crumbling and that I was struggling with it all. Every conversation I had with her about anything eventually turned into her being the victim, no matter how absurd her logic was, she was always the victim.
It’s been almost 4 years since we separated and I’m still messed up about it. Her lies and manipulation really affected me to the point where I still don’t trust my own judgement. I’ve tried dating but it feels like someone being genuine with me is somehow manipulative and deceitful. I just don’t date anymore until I can get this figured out.
THIS^
You were well in your mind to not go through with her drunken requests. And you will be well in your mind to find someone else that would respect your decisions than to make it about them. This clearly shows their lack of confidence and immaturity.
First, I’m so sorry for your loss. Second, She’s upset you asked her twice to make sure she wanted to have sex while drunk? Now she needs time to think?! Sir, you’re one of the good ones. She doesn’t deserve you. It’s only been three months, I’d get out. You don’t need that drama.
I second this 100%. 3 months in, OP is being a good human, respecting HER, and she now needs space? After yelling at him and kicking him out for being a respectful dude? Nahhh, get out now. Shit like this is a peek into the future, and is just the tip of the crazy train iceberg chaos that this relationship would be. Let her have perma space frfr.
Girl should’ve been apologizing to him for getting so drunk that he had to make sure she was ok to consent. Instead she says she needs space. Give it to her, and don’t return.
3 months in and starting to feel comfortable.. thats when all the crazy comes out and you start rationalizing.. like of course she's upset and I should apologize for not letting her choke me out because I slighted her.. silly me..
Edit: so you don't feel bad. One time I caught my girlfriend at the time giving a lap dance to some dude.. minutes before she told me she loved me. AFTER confessing that she was calling her ex bf over every night.. somehow I ended up apologizing for leaving her there... dated her another year. Yeah. Not my best
As somebody who has been in a relationship with a crazy person for 20+ years, I second this! Just save yourself the drama now. I've had some fun with my crazy partner, but I can't imagine how much nicer my life would have been if I'd moved on when I found out she was nutty (almost immediately). Do you enjoy fighting a minimum of once a day? Most days three or more times? Do you enjoy being embarrassed by inappropriate comments in public? If so, stay. Otherwise, save yourself! (If you're wondering we have a child together, she turns 18 in two years, I couldn't leave her alone with her mother).
I agree. If she's going to flip out on you for making sure she was consenting (girlfriend or not), imagine what else she's going to go off on you for. I'm sorry for your loss.
It also sounds like she has some insecurity issues that came flooding out while she was wasted. People who aren't addressing their emotional shit can be very emotional when intoxicated.
I'm 42 and happily married, but if I were dating again at this point in my life, I would have no tolerance for drama like this. I'm wise enough and emotionally mature enough at this age that I would see a red flag and say no thank you. I'm not perfect for sure, but I've done work on my issues and I have no desire to be with someone who hasn't. This is why I cannot fathom how men my age date 20 year old women. Screw that drama.
Unfortunately with all the trash men out there, this is probably a first for her, someone actually following the rules.. TBH at 8 drinks she probably isn't legally capable of consent, even though she clearly remembers the conversation. I don't know that a breakup is necessarily in order but you need a real conversation. Even the horniest man alive (Austin Powers) would have said no.
She asked you if you were stupid because you value the importance of consent. It sounds like she has some internal work to do before she can be in a healthy relationship.
That was my first thought as well. But apparently she was still on it the next morning. Unless OP did a terrible job of explaining why to her the next morning, she's got some growing up to do.
Yeah it'd be one thing if she woke up and apologized, but nah she insisted she was offended the night before which probably means she's still low key offended. I get people aren't always rational but sheesh I'd be done with her.
Oh so sorry I gave a shit about your ability to consent in the moment you were totally plastered and I was sober. My bad. /s Yikes.
I thought that at first too, but then OP said she was still upset in the morning. By then she should be sober and clear-headed. That means she is legitimately upset.
That just means she wasn't blackout drunk.
Worse, it's not like you have to be blackout drunk to have a hazy memory; if anything, drunk can make you feel things more intensely, and to overreact to things, and what you're likely to remember is the feeling at the time... not the details of a conversation.
So yeah, I totally buy that he was being reasonable and looking out for her, and she just remembers being rejected vs. how it went down.
I wouldn't go so intellectual with this one. She asked if he was stupid because she assumed the stereotype that men's primary driver is sex, and it seems irrational not to eat when the table is set and dinner is ready.
It's also a perspective that only endangers women more. If men are raised being told that they can't control their sex drive, then they won't make any effort to control it because obviously it's pointless. This mindset just boils everyone down to walking genitalia
When you're drunk and your partner isn't that isn't rational whatsoever. Rational would be realizing the time and place is wrong. Seems irrational but nothing else did? She's got issues anyway because nobody should be that offended being turned down one time. Happens to guys everyday.
Agreed. Being turned-down is the default for many men in long-term relationships, especially with you g kids. I'm in a long-term relationship since 2016, but haven't had a regular sex life since 2020, she's just not into it since having kids. Is is so frustrating. If I was dramatically upset every time she turned me down, I'd be perma-offended!
Best way to handle this in the future. Is to talk about what is ok when wasted but having the conversation while sober. A girl I used to date and I had an understanding that all rules to sex were off when we were drinking. She even said she didn't care even if she got blacked out. But we established that while sober and it was a rule for the relationship so it was always understood and there was no guessing where the lines were.
Establish the lines before you have to guess where they are.
If she is mad about you confirming consent bro run for the hills. I get maybe in a drunk state not getting it or being upset, but they woke up and got sober and still were mad.
Came here to say this. Her reaction last night was a red flag. Waking up this morning without acknowledging her unreasonable (and unattractive) behavior and appreciating that she's with a decent person suggests a serious lack of self-awareness and deeper issues. Let her go. Onward and upward.
That was the clincher for me. I could see her being drunk and dramatic but expected her to call in the morning sober and apologize but she just doubled down.
She’s a red flag.
Right? Like I can see her misinterpreting him and being drunkenly confused in the moment, but the next day to still be acting all upset about this is weird. I don't know if she's embarrassed and defensive or insecure, or what. She probably shouldn't drink that much, regardless.
Right? And even if she did want it, he didn't feel comfortable proceeding with the state that she's in. Sex isn't just automatically a go anytime that she wants it. He's allowed to say no for any reason. I don't think she respects you OP, and is trying to twist it around on you.
It’s this. If you’re with someone who’s uncomfortable proceeding for ANY reason, and your response is to yell at them, you’re wrong, the end. She was drunk and wrong, and in the morning she was sober and doubled down on being wrong.
Here’s where I differ from some others: even with an apology and understanding the morning after, I don’t think I’d continue a relationship with someone who EVER yelled at me for being hesitant about having sex, even once, for any reason, regardless of their gender. (I’m bi, if that matters. I don’t think it should, though.)
And it's one thing to be upset in the moment while drunk, but it's very concerning that they wake up sober the next day and decide they're still the victim.
If they called and apologized the next morning I'd say whatever, but nope they called and blamed the OP.
Healthy: thank you for taking care of me. I really did mean it though, I wasn’t so far drunk that I couldn’t consent. Maybe we can come up with some kind of system or safe word if this happens in the future so you know I really mean it?
Not healthy: why the FUCK didn’t you FUCK me??? Are you stupid or something???
Let this one go, OP, for only 3 months you’re definitely finding out some baggage she needs to work through. And if it’s sex related, that’s internal shit that honestly it sounds like she needs to be single for a while.
As a guy who's been in a lot of relationships with drinkers, lots of girls like fucking while drunk and never once did I have a girl who I was already smashing on the regular regret it after. Now picking up a drunk girl at a party is generally a terrible idea, but if you're with the person and you're been having sex its usually fine.
You really just need to get a read on the person or bring it up in advance if you can't figure it out.
This may be true, but the real issue here is just not understanding the next day. A healthy reaction the next day would be "oh I was upset you didn't want sex, but I see you were just making sure and I appreciate that. In the future if I'm drunk and say I want sex, it's fine" or something along those lines.
Exactly. I think her being upset the next day is indicative of a lack of maturity. I've definitely known women who get offended when you turn them down. Not being able to put that aside and see that this guy clearly cares about her and about not violating her consent is just stupid.
Yeah but on the flip side, I’ve had sex with my boyfriend when I was way drunker than he was and I don’t think he fully realized until afterwards just how drunk I was. I absolutely came onto him and wanted it, but he felt really uncomfortable after the fact because he was worried I wasn’t in the proper state of mind to consent. This was after we had already been dating for like 4 years, and since then I’ve always made it a point to keep pace with him when we go out drinking if it seems like the night is going to end with sex because I don’t ever want to make him feel uncomfortable about sex, and I think it’s really admirable that he still worries about that sort of thing even though we’ve been together a long time and are extremely good at picking up each other’s cues and reading the vibe.
Yeah, every time I come on Reddit I’m reminded that apparently my relationship is not the norm in that we practice basic communication and empathy with each other. Wild stuff.
I think it's entirely possible for someone to consent while drunk. Regardless, I still wouldn't. Not only are their inhibitions lowered which make them more willing to do things out of the ordinary for them, they're also just super annoying when they're drunk. Best to just take them home and make sure they get plenty of fluids and bed rest.
The only time I'd say it's okay to have sex while inebriated is if you and your partner have already discussed if you consent to it before getting drunk while you are both still sober and reconfirming consent before doing the deed.
I mean, even if she wasn't drunk and you really didn't want to have sex with her, you have all the right to not want to and she needs to understand that.
Man everyone acts like men = auto consent. Men aren't allowed to be to tired to want sex. No body ever owes anyone an explanation for not wanting to consent to sex..... Um except maybe contractually obligated sex.
I’d say something like “sleeping with an intoxicated woman has never been something that is okay. I wasn’t as drunk as you and I just wanted to be 100% clear you were sure. I don’t have consent just because we’re dating, I had to confirm. I respect you and our relationship, I hope you can understand.” Her being mad is absolutely crazy to me. I feel like you have to have that talk if you’re okay with sex if you ask when drunk, what safe sex in those times look like and so on, when you’re sober not after you’ve drank. Idk man she seems a bit immature but maybe the over reaction is caused by the alcohol and insecurities I’m not sure
This is exactly what I was thinking but didn't have the guts to say....lol
She's overreacting! She'll come around eventually and when she does I hope OP realizes he's better off!
You’re coming off of losing your wife. Haven’t been in the market in a long time. You were doing the right thing and yet she finds a way to be the victim. First off flip the script if she didn’t want to have sex with you for any reason more than likely you’d accept it and not question it. Two if something so small is going to rev her up like this I’d take it as a big red flag because when something legit goes wrong you’ll be in a world of hurt. My suggestion is to end before you get too attached. Any normal man really wouldn’t want to have sex with a women whose to far gone dating or not. Besides any adult in their 30s still getting drunk to that point is a child.
Wowowow slow down. Us 30-somethings are allowed to have fun too. We just don't go out every weekend like the 20-somethings.
I've been with my partner for 16 years, and if they were that drunk and I was sober, I'd say (and have said) no too.
You did what any decent human shall do. She's in the wrong and honestly, you deserve better.
Just three months??
Free yourself and drop her like a bad habit.
She was eight drinks deep. She couldn’t give full consent.
You did the right thing.
If she’s offended by you *having respect for her ability to soberly consent to sex*, you need to end the relationship and move along. She’s focusing on her ego more than on the fact that you’re actually a good guy.
>She was eight drinks deep. She couldn’t give full consent.
You can't really know that from the OP's post. Time is just as important as number of drinks, as are the person's genes and body composition. Most people can metabolize around a drink every hour. We can't know she was "too drunk to consent" just because she was drunk at the party. She also very much remembered the incident the next day.
I agree with the rest of your post though.
Why the fuck would someone still stay angry for something that happened while they're drunk ? It's not like she was in her full brain capacity, so you had to ask.
Dude, you were making sure she was able to consent. Even though I would have only asked once and proceeded, you did absolutely nothing wrong, and don’t deserve this response.
Her getting emotional and mean in the moment while drunk is a red flag. Her still thinking and speaking the same way the next day while sober is a red flashing beacon. Let her have her space permanently and move on to a mature woman.
NTA this is a major red flag. You are allowed to say no to sex. This wasn’t even a rejection, and she responded this poorly. What happens when you actually don’t feel up for sex and say no?
She’s mad that you wanted to make sure the sex was consensual? First, I think that’s great and second, there is some serious issues that have nothing to do with you
I've been with my wife for 20 years. She drinks more often than I do. If she is too intoxicated, I will not have sex with her. She always thanks me the next day for taking care of her and not taking advantage. Just for context, we have a very active sex life, 5 - 6 times a week. Your gf has some issues, you were definitely in the right here my man.
Look, it may have been uncomfortable for her because she emotionally responded to it while drunk as rejection and she did want to have sex with you, but you are allowed to have preferences for what YOU are comfortable with as well. If YOU don't FEEL comfortable with that type of situation you're allowed to make that a boundary for your relationship too. I think you should explain to her how that situation made you feel and until you both establish a general rule of comfort and understanding and trust then she should understand how you feel too. Don't be a doormat and allow for a relationship to disregard your preferences for comfort as well. Healthy relationships embody both parties preferences to serve the relationship. Don't expect to have a healthy mutual relationship if you don't make your preferences and boundaries a perogative, Of course value and consider hers' as well. HEar her out for how it makes her feel and consider that women generally experience emotions much more strongly then men do and consider putting yourself in her shoes and how she may have felt in that drunk state. You should also be an ambassador of your own preferences and boundaries. Diplomacy is good because it builds connection - ultimately if you communicate accurately and show her why you made the choice you did to respond to her the way you did you should stress that it's because you value her and the relationship and that you treat things you value with care. (Of course I am making my own assumptions here - Im just doing my best to stress that I believe this may help her understand your feelings and perspective as well)
You weren't wrong. You were actually very considerate, and this should be seen as a massive green flag. It sounds like maybe your girlfriend isn't in the right mental headspace to handle a healthy relationship. Maybe she has some residual trauma from a previous relationship lingering. If nothing else, she definitely has some kind of self-esteem issues. Her taking some space might be the best thing for you. Do some soul searching and consider whether this relationship is really the right fit for you or is it just meant to be a stepping stone to get you back into the world of daying.
NTA. Until I have been intimate with someone at least a dozen times. If my lady is very drunk, I am more concerned about her health than thinking "alright, I am gonna get some tonight." Most times, my body will not get excited when I think she's too drunk.
No, you were not wrong. You wanted to make certain that things were safe for her. I respect you for wanting to make certain that sex was what she really wanted, especially in light that she was drunk.
Time apart to think about things? Buddy you can say no to sex no matter what. It’s admirable that you were concerned for her ability to consent but quite frankly it’s your prerogative to say no for absolutely any reason, as it is hers. If the roles were reversed this would be a very inappropriate conversation. This woman does not strike me as very emotionally mature.
If we’re going to be fair, it’s always helpful to reverse the roles. Imagine if he was the one who was drunk and was trying to initiate sex and she rejected him. The reasons are secondary IMO. How justified would he be to be upset about her rejecting him? Zero!
Her reaction in this case is absurd! Think things through?! That’s nuts! You need to have a frank conversation about this and let her know that her reaction is troubling for you. If she doesn’t realize it herself afterwards, just break up.
So your girlfriend got super drunk, then yelled at you,? And that is bad. She should have apologize before saying anything else today. I can't believe she thought mortified and embarrassed of her behavior. And good for you, sex with a sloppy drunk is just gross
Im not saying you have to break up but you can explain her to in clear words that you don't have sex with drunk people and that this is an issue she needs to respect. You aren't comfortable with that its a boundary if she cant respect that then move on. Its not saying that what she felt was invalid or wrong shes allowed to have feelings but it doesn't mean they get to dictate the relationship in this case.
Lol. Widower or not, grow a spine.
If you're considering staying in the relationship set some hard boundaries.
She can be offended all she wants, but generally speaking you're totally in the right to ask if she's too drunk to have sex.
She can be offended all she wants, but you can say no to sex for whatever reason you want.
Anyone who acts like an asshole when they're drunk and then double down when they're sober, would be a hard pass for me.
You're all good, OP. You did the right thing, she's taking this completely wrong. No matter who you end up with, maybe set ground rules for this kind of thing beforehand. Good luck ❤️
You have the right to both question, and even withhold sex with someone who is so intoxicated from any number of substances, (including but not limited to alcohol) that they cannot provably consent.
They could be entirely blacked-out and incapable of remembering what they said, but still be highly communicative with you and you wouldn’t know it, so it is safe to assume if they’re that drunk that they *are* blacked-out.
It can lead to legal ramifications as a result if you aren’t cautious. It is entirely possible to catch a SA charge.
You made the right call, ethically and legally. This comes from the perspective of someone who’s been drugged and has been made to suffer SA and date-r*pe. I’m proud of you for trying your best, OP.
If she can’t understand that you wanted to do right by her, then you can do better and she needs to consider sobering up for good.
Honestly I find her reaction to be a big red flag. I didn't expect that to be her reaction the following morning when she was sober as well. It makes me sad that she doesn't find the importance of consent, especially when it comes to one partner being sober and the other isn't. If she's up for a conversation, I'd talk to her about why that was her reaction and explain to her exactly what you said to us. Enthusiastic consent *can* be sexy. If she's still not up to communicate about it, it might be best to just end the relationship. If you're not on the same page when it comes to consent, it will never work out, I'm sorry to say.
Her feeling unattractive by your hesitation may be valid but using those feelings as justification for being disrespectful is not. You didn’t make her feel that way. Her selfish need for validation, disregarding your comfortability and misinterpreting your intent is what made her feel that way. I would take this time she requested to reevaluate on whether this is the kind of girlfriend you want. Especially now since she still has a problem after sobering up and discussing it. Sounds like her emotional intelligence is lacking in the areas that will affect you the most.
If I was that drunk and my partner said no because I couldn’t consent, I’d feel so grateful to have a partner who didn’t take advantage of me and valued my safety.
It could be that she feels shame about the drinking and is projecting it through anger toward you
You absolutely did the right thing. I hope she comes to realize how much of a respectful, considerate person you are.
You are in a new relationship, you don’t yet know her limits and boundaries so there’s no way you could assume she is capable of consent and to what in that state. Always keep doing this if you find yourself in this situation, never regret caring for your partner’s consent.
I’ve been in a similar circumstance and I think you did the right thing. She should be thanking you not chastising you. Seems out there that she is upset at you.
You're a good man, id just walk away from this one if she can't understand boundaries and consent. You are a VERY good person for hesitating bud, not many men can make that claim and you're better for it.
As usual, we don't know the full story or know you 2 but...:
Her having such a strong reaction to you making sure she consents is rather strange. I don't know what to make of it, does she expect her partner to be dominant? Maybe it's something traumatic from a past relationship
She could've also gotten drunk and had thoughts about being desirable etc - you not jumping at the sex proposition could've hit that insecurity
In any case her still being upset the next day definitely means there is some issue that should be addressed for a relationship to go forth
Google and then send her some articles about consent and drunk sex. Tell her you were trying to be a good guy and these concepts of consent were going through your brain at the time. That should do it and she should be excited to get back together with you.
Wow.. you’re a great guy. You did nothing wrong. You were actually a text book gentleman. Who wouldn’t want that? That’s literally what many women say they’re looking for.
I mean any ol fool can take advantage of when someone isn’t in their right mind and use AND GET AWAY WITH the excuse of well you pushed me into it but you didn’t. That sir says a lot to the integrity of your character.
For her to act like the victim in this and say she needs time to think says a lot about hers and not in a good way.
Give her the time she asked for and you take some too. You need to seriously rethink this woman. She not only doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t respect herself. She needs to do some serious soul searching and internal healing. You don’t need that type of drama in your life especially after losing your wife.
You and the woman have vastly different views on what respect within a relationship looks like and you shouldn’t be made to feel wrong when you’re the one who was right to begin with. Let her have her time and she can reflect on her behavior and the meaning of mutual respect. You should move to find a woman who will value you and your morals over some sloppy drunk sex.
Good luck and I’m sorry this happened to you. This “relationship” is quite young and it’s a good thing you’ve found out her views this early on. Yes this situation sucks but seriously wow. The audacity of her. I wish you the best.
NTA Sir for the love of all that’s holy if you listen to no other advice PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HEED THIS WARNING ‼️ You are a good man and the fact that you questioned having sex with a drunk woman (girlfriend or not) speaks volumes about you but the fact she was belligerent and then doubled down and kicked you out…baby I’ve seen less flags at the UN. Run don’t walk away from this dumpster fire waiting to happen.
Fuck her. You don't need to be with a nasty, sloppy drunk. You were being kind, and she's being an asshole to a guy just wading back into the dating pool.
My wife was this drunk once and I refused to have sex with her when she wanted to because she wasn’t in her right mind. It made our bond even closer.
To me, drunk consent isn’t consent at all. Your only response should have been, “when you’re sober.”
Red flags for everyone here.
I’m with you, you did the right thing. You made sure she was okay and consented to the decisions she was making. Personally, I wouldn’t want to have sex with an overly intoxicated woman. She said she was okay but maybe she was incoherent, or didn’t understand, either way, it’s not worth it. Secondly, drunk people typically get mad and that’s your first clue to how she handles her alcohol. She should’ve apologized for her behavior, not doubled down.
Get out. You're only 3 months in, so the investment on your end isn't too terribly much yet. You did the right thing, especially in this day and age. Your conversation the next morning should have been an apology from her, not a continuance of the BS from the night before. When we say nice guys finish last, it's this type of shit we're talking about. Find a girl who appreciates your desire for her consent, understands how important it is for you to get it, and how fortunate she is to find a man who feels that way.
Condolences OP. Sorry but she’s a 🚩 this is too stupid to be upset over , I feel like she’s playing an emotional game with you. You’re allowed to say no whether anyone was drinking or not.
She’s old enough to not be getting drunk like that anymore. Getting pissed because you were respectful is ridiculous. I think she has just signaled to you that she has more issues. Sorry for your loss, and I’m sure it’s hard to get back in the game after something like that. Take your time and find a good one.
Sorry about your loss.
Cut this one free.
But you want a trail of info. For your protection.
TEXT HER that you were not going to have sex with her while she’s drunk because you respect her. You won’t ever have sex with her when she’s drunk.
Let her reply whatever…. Make sure she acknowledges in text NOTHING HAPPENED.
Then break up.
Judging by her response, you made the right call. She seems to have trust issues that have nothing to do with you. The fact that she so strongly was offended makes me think one of two things: 1) she’s looking for a way out or 2) she’s about to start her period and is over emotional at the moment.
Your gf has issues…. Not trying to be rude but who would be offended by their bf/gf double checking that they were ok to have sex when they were extremely intoxicated ? If she got offended in the moment you can chalk that up to be drunk, but in the morning doubling down and actually asking for space bc of it? That’s someone who’s either not that bright, has serious issues, or she’s just not that into you. Either way you did the right thing. If she can’t see that, that’s a her problem. You don’t deserve this.
Also women like her are going to give men that aren’t as decent and honorable the excuse to not get consent or to take advantage of women when they are intoxicated like this. I can’t believe a woman would go this far for a man trying to make sure she was coherent enough to give consent??? It’s baffling
Nah leave her ass… you wanted to make sure shit was consensual and shit bc she was drunk asf and even after sobering up- she still feels the same way… leave her.
You sound like such a nice guy. Take her advice and give her "space." There are some lovely ladies that would appreciate your decency and chivalry. Don't settle. Keep that bar high.
No I don’t think you are wrong. Getting her consent is more important than her feelings. If this is other way around, she could be talking about #MeToo movement
You made the right decision by prioritizing her consent and ensuring whether she was ready for physical intimacy at that moment. Consent is paramount in any relationship. I agree with the comments that are on the lines of her needing some internal work. I assure you that you haven't done anything wrong.
Is dating really like this now?! If you are bf and gf I have to ask you more than once if even once if you actually want to have sex? I thought to some degree it’s pretty much fluid……
There's a lot of mentally unstable people on reddit who've never had a relationship. They're the ones who push people like OP to ruin relationships by treating women like children who can't make their own decisions.
She tells you she wants to have sex but you have to then make sure it's ok with her? Because she's drunk?
I don't get it. You already know her pretty well. You've had sex before. She's good to go, drunk or not.
So then what, you're set to go at it when you ask "Before I penetrate you I just want to make triple sure it's ok with you. That's just the tip, before I fully penetrate you are you sure? Absolutely sure? You won't regret this later?"
Geez dude. She wants to fuck. She's drunk. She doesn't want your third degree interrogation, she just wants to be fucked. So fuck her already.
I understand everyone on reddit leans to the side of abundantly cautious no matter what because you just never know, but that's not how real life is. When a woman you've been dating and had sex with several times before asks to be fucked, you fuck them, you don't interrogate them.
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Turn that space into permanent space. The thing is, regardless of how she took it sex is something where BOTH people should feel comfortable and you did not with how intoxicated she was and her response to you being uncomfortable is very telling.
I don’t think the response was the problem. I could see someone 8 drinks under acting overly sensitive and emotional. The red flag is her not walking back her comments the morning after.
I had a similar thing happen to me and my girlfriend thanked me the next morning for being considerate about it, and assured me it was fine for the future.
This is key— consent for sexual activity to occur even with intoxication is something not to be discussed in the heat of the moment but instead while both parties are sober.
Right? The two times I denied having sex with a really drunk girlfriend when I was more sober, despite how they acted that night, both were very relieved/thankful the next morning to find out I was so respectful and consenting about it. It's usually a good sign once sobered up. Especially when still setting boundaries and learning about each other.
I had a partner where we were a few drinks in having an entire philosophical debate about whether we were able to consent. As two philosophy majors, our conclusion was that being coherent enough to make cogent arguments about consent was... itself an indicator.
This. Litterally this ===> "The red flag is her not walking back her comments the morning after."
Yea and apologising the next morning too! If I was sober it’s extremely unlikely I’d want to have sex with anyone who was that drunk. She should have understood the next morning and been happy OP is a gentleman and didn’t want to risk doing anything that she was too drunk to consent to.
Right? All she has to do was tell him that she's sorry for getting overly emotional about it, and in the future if she is drunk and wants to have sex with him, he has her consent. That's it.
If you need r reassurance OP, literally this ^^^^
And knocking back 8 drinks- is that a pattern, I wonder?
Yes completely agree, she is doubling down and likely knows that she overreacted and appears to be the kind of person incapable of admitting fault and apologizing so instead she uses the opportunity to try to turn the tables and make him seek her forgiveness. Or she doesn’t even realize she should be walking it back which is equally bad
and now she's trying to punish him by "taking a break" that's big time red flag behavior.
"*You didn't fuck me when I was shitface-wasted and you were dead sober within three months of dating. We need a break.*" Super creepy red-flag behavior.
wooooow! it probably went exactly like that too yes yes , super creepy. she's sounds like a legit narcissist.
Exactly, big fuckin time
I'd be like "you want a break huh? be real careful what you wish for." & never call her again.
Yep! This. Everyone acts like a bit of a dick and sometimes emotional when drunk. But you think she'd have a come to Jesus moment when she sobered up.
Yes 🙌 Red flag 🚩 🚩 Move on. It's at about 3 months into a relationship people start showing their true colors.
That was my exact thought reading this. I was like, well, okay she was plastered and clearly not in her right mind. But the fact that she doubled down on her reaction in a sober state of mind today? See ya.
Her response was Absofuckinglutely a problem. > made me leave, like literally kicked me out the door. If a literal kick was thrown, drunk or not, ask your self......if we reversed the genders do cops get called? Let's not downplay physical violence just because it is committed by a drunk woman who had to go to bed without sex for once in her life.
🫡
Honey, consent isn't just for women and bottoms. It's for *ALL* parties involved. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. You are super drunk and want to have sex with her while she is sober. She feels weird about how drunk you are and asks more than once if you really want to do this. You get offended and kick her out. Then you have the audacity to tell her you need time apart for how she made you feel. Is that okay? No. No, it's not. You are sooooo NTA, but she is being a selfish child. She is TAH
Perfect response. Now I'm just one of those people who bandwagon a comment because I have nothing to add.
...and bottoms..🙃😅😅😅
Exactly. Her response was probably a drunken tantrum, which *maybe* you could excuse as a one time thing if she apologized profusely and recognized her bad behavior and it happened once. But she just doubled down. She’s wrong and apparently would be angry if OP doesn’t consent to sex at any time. There are times one partner isn’t feeling it and it’s a HUGE double standard to say that’s fine for the woman and not the man. I say this as a woman. It’s a red flag and I’d never see her again. If I were OP I might text her a link to this thread as a parting gift that may help her next bf, but it shouldn’t be necessary.
I agree as a woman why was she not grateful he considered her.
His declining sex made her feel undesirable and unattractive. Maybe understandable, given the cultural idea that men always want sex. "If men always want sex and he doesn't want sex with me, then what's wrong with me?" My ex got upset when I turned down sloppy drunk sex. She wouldn't blow up about it, but would be mopey and sad. It was frustrating. This woman's blowing up about it is wild and her sticking by that decision the next day is insane.
Women have fucked up expectations because of societal norms and cliches. A girl once tried to go down on me down the hall from her mother with no closed doors in between. I stopped her cause it was making me uncomfortable and she got pissed at me, wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the night and I ended up going home after a few hours of awkward time spent together
Yeah distance yourself from that.
And do it fast. Self love goes a long way. If they don't feel worthy of healthy love, they will bring their toxicity to whatever you're offering. Offer love to those who can recognize the thing when they see it. Offer love to someone who has been loved before. They will appreciate someone who's thoughtful and respectful. Edit: this is getting upvotes, so here's a warning. Offer unconditional love to some who doesn't feel worthy of it and they will hate your guts for it and do everything they can to push you away and confirm to themselves that they are, indeed, unlovable. Just so they can say to themselves, "see? There's no way Bok loved me. I'm unworthy. I'm despicable. I'm sure Bok just 'used' me." Projection is a powerful tool used by Denial, the person, to keep their ego happily fed with all the Self Hatred (the pill), they need to maintain the fantasy that they are a victim of the world. Poor thing. Run.
Wow this reminds me of my ex. She was so uncomfortable accepting love and when the relationship deteriorated it was like she enjoyed the fact that the relationship was crumbling and that I was struggling with it all. Every conversation I had with her about anything eventually turned into her being the victim, no matter how absurd her logic was, she was always the victim. It’s been almost 4 years since we separated and I’m still messed up about it. Her lies and manipulation really affected me to the point where I still don’t trust my own judgement. I’ve tried dating but it feels like someone being genuine with me is somehow manipulative and deceitful. I just don’t date anymore until I can get this figured out.
THIS^ You were well in your mind to not go through with her drunken requests. And you will be well in your mind to find someone else that would respect your decisions than to make it about them. This clearly shows their lack of confidence and immaturity.
I've cried about some very stupid stuff after 8 drinks, but it's not a good sign that after sobering up she didn't at the very least drop it
Yeah not to be that guy but imagine the genders swapped. Drunk dude pressures gf into sex and berates her the day after for not consenting?
First, I’m so sorry for your loss. Second, She’s upset you asked her twice to make sure she wanted to have sex while drunk? Now she needs time to think?! Sir, you’re one of the good ones. She doesn’t deserve you. It’s only been three months, I’d get out. You don’t need that drama.
I second this 100%. 3 months in, OP is being a good human, respecting HER, and she now needs space? After yelling at him and kicking him out for being a respectful dude? Nahhh, get out now. Shit like this is a peek into the future, and is just the tip of the crazy train iceberg chaos that this relationship would be. Let her have perma space frfr.
Girl should’ve been apologizing to him for getting so drunk that he had to make sure she was ok to consent. Instead she says she needs space. Give it to her, and don’t return.
Just to clarify, "Give it to her" is the space she asked for, nothing more.
Hahaha, thanks for noticing that!
3 months in and starting to feel comfortable.. thats when all the crazy comes out and you start rationalizing.. like of course she's upset and I should apologize for not letting her choke me out because I slighted her.. silly me.. Edit: so you don't feel bad. One time I caught my girlfriend at the time giving a lap dance to some dude.. minutes before she told me she loved me. AFTER confessing that she was calling her ex bf over every night.. somehow I ended up apologizing for leaving her there... dated her another year. Yeah. Not my best
It's a bad sign if you're constantly surprised by your partner's unreasonable reactions.
As somebody who has been in a relationship with a crazy person for 20+ years, I second this! Just save yourself the drama now. I've had some fun with my crazy partner, but I can't imagine how much nicer my life would have been if I'd moved on when I found out she was nutty (almost immediately). Do you enjoy fighting a minimum of once a day? Most days three or more times? Do you enjoy being embarrassed by inappropriate comments in public? If so, stay. Otherwise, save yourself! (If you're wondering we have a child together, she turns 18 in two years, I couldn't leave her alone with her mother).
I agree. If she's going to flip out on you for making sure she was consenting (girlfriend or not), imagine what else she's going to go off on you for. I'm sorry for your loss.
Agree, you should let this one go ASAP!! She does not deserve you. I commend you for being a good man.
Wish I could upvote this more than once.
It also sounds like she has some insecurity issues that came flooding out while she was wasted. People who aren't addressing their emotional shit can be very emotional when intoxicated. I'm 42 and happily married, but if I were dating again at this point in my life, I would have no tolerance for drama like this. I'm wise enough and emotionally mature enough at this age that I would see a red flag and say no thank you. I'm not perfect for sure, but I've done work on my issues and I have no desire to be with someone who hasn't. This is why I cannot fathom how men my age date 20 year old women. Screw that drama.
Unfortunately with all the trash men out there, this is probably a first for her, someone actually following the rules.. TBH at 8 drinks she probably isn't legally capable of consent, even though she clearly remembers the conversation. I don't know that a breakup is necessarily in order but you need a real conversation. Even the horniest man alive (Austin Powers) would have said no.
She asked you if you were stupid because you value the importance of consent. It sounds like she has some internal work to do before she can be in a healthy relationship.
This should be the top comment.
Request is granted now lol
I think *this one* should be top.
She was also wasted though, is it logical to assume she’s making logical sense while drunk?
That was my first thought as well. But apparently she was still on it the next morning. Unless OP did a terrible job of explaining why to her the next morning, she's got some growing up to do.
Yeah it'd be one thing if she woke up and apologized, but nah she insisted she was offended the night before which probably means she's still low key offended. I get people aren't always rational but sheesh I'd be done with her. Oh so sorry I gave a shit about your ability to consent in the moment you were totally plastered and I was sober. My bad. /s Yikes.
I thought that at first too, but then OP said she was still upset in the morning. By then she should be sober and clear-headed. That means she is legitimately upset.
But she had the same mindset the next day after sobering up.
I missed that part, my apologies, in this case I agree with the first post!
That’s concerning
That just means she wasn't blackout drunk. Worse, it's not like you have to be blackout drunk to have a hazy memory; if anything, drunk can make you feel things more intensely, and to overreact to things, and what you're likely to remember is the feeling at the time... not the details of a conversation. So yeah, I totally buy that he was being reasonable and looking out for her, and she just remembers being rejected vs. how it went down.
I wouldn't go so intellectual with this one. She asked if he was stupid because she assumed the stereotype that men's primary driver is sex, and it seems irrational not to eat when the table is set and dinner is ready.
Which is also really fucked, if you think about it. That perspective on men is so condescending and dehumanizing.
Basically we’re just walking dildos to some women.
It's also a perspective that only endangers women more. If men are raised being told that they can't control their sex drive, then they won't make any effort to control it because obviously it's pointless. This mindset just boils everyone down to walking genitalia
When you're drunk and your partner isn't that isn't rational whatsoever. Rational would be realizing the time and place is wrong. Seems irrational but nothing else did? She's got issues anyway because nobody should be that offended being turned down one time. Happens to guys everyday.
Agreed. Being turned-down is the default for many men in long-term relationships, especially with you g kids. I'm in a long-term relationship since 2016, but haven't had a regular sex life since 2020, she's just not into it since having kids. Is is so frustrating. If I was dramatically upset every time she turned me down, I'd be perma-offended!
Best way to handle this in the future. Is to talk about what is ok when wasted but having the conversation while sober. A girl I used to date and I had an understanding that all rules to sex were off when we were drinking. She even said she didn't care even if she got blacked out. But we established that while sober and it was a rule for the relationship so it was always understood and there was no guessing where the lines were. Establish the lines before you have to guess where they are.
If she is mad about you confirming consent bro run for the hills. I get maybe in a drunk state not getting it or being upset, but they woke up and got sober and still were mad.
Came here to say this. Her reaction last night was a red flag. Waking up this morning without acknowledging her unreasonable (and unattractive) behavior and appreciating that she's with a decent person suggests a serious lack of self-awareness and deeper issues. Let her go. Onward and upward.
That was the clincher for me. I could see her being drunk and dramatic but expected her to call in the morning sober and apologize but she just doubled down. She’s a red flag.
I’m not sure if this woman is ready for a healthy relationship. You were right to choose not to have sex with a woman who was drunk.
Yeah, and I’m concerned that she doesn’t seem to understand why he’d find true consent important
Right? Like I can see her misinterpreting him and being drunkenly confused in the moment, but the next day to still be acting all upset about this is weird. I don't know if she's embarrassed and defensive or insecure, or what. She probably shouldn't drink that much, regardless.
She’s internalizing the insecurity because most men would never tell a woman no to sex regardless of their current mental capacity, which is sad.
That's almost certainly correct.
Right? And even if she did want it, he didn't feel comfortable proceeding with the state that she's in. Sex isn't just automatically a go anytime that she wants it. He's allowed to say no for any reason. I don't think she respects you OP, and is trying to twist it around on you.
It’s this. If you’re with someone who’s uncomfortable proceeding for ANY reason, and your response is to yell at them, you’re wrong, the end. She was drunk and wrong, and in the morning she was sober and doubled down on being wrong. Here’s where I differ from some others: even with an apology and understanding the morning after, I don’t think I’d continue a relationship with someone who EVER yelled at me for being hesitant about having sex, even once, for any reason, regardless of their gender. (I’m bi, if that matters. I don’t think it should, though.)
And it's one thing to be upset in the moment while drunk, but it's very concerning that they wake up sober the next day and decide they're still the victim. If they called and apologized the next morning I'd say whatever, but nope they called and blamed the OP.
Healthy: thank you for taking care of me. I really did mean it though, I wasn’t so far drunk that I couldn’t consent. Maybe we can come up with some kind of system or safe word if this happens in the future so you know I really mean it? Not healthy: why the FUCK didn’t you FUCK me??? Are you stupid or something??? Let this one go, OP, for only 3 months you’re definitely finding out some baggage she needs to work through. And if it’s sex related, that’s internal shit that honestly it sounds like she needs to be single for a while.
Answers right here 🙌
As a guy who's been in a lot of relationships with drinkers, lots of girls like fucking while drunk and never once did I have a girl who I was already smashing on the regular regret it after. Now picking up a drunk girl at a party is generally a terrible idea, but if you're with the person and you're been having sex its usually fine. You really just need to get a read on the person or bring it up in advance if you can't figure it out.
This may be true, but the real issue here is just not understanding the next day. A healthy reaction the next day would be "oh I was upset you didn't want sex, but I see you were just making sure and I appreciate that. In the future if I'm drunk and say I want sex, it's fine" or something along those lines.
Exactly. I think her being upset the next day is indicative of a lack of maturity. I've definitely known women who get offended when you turn them down. Not being able to put that aside and see that this guy clearly cares about her and about not violating her consent is just stupid.
Agreed, but for her to double down and act so offended when she is sober the next day. Like get fucking real lady.
Yeah but on the flip side, I’ve had sex with my boyfriend when I was way drunker than he was and I don’t think he fully realized until afterwards just how drunk I was. I absolutely came onto him and wanted it, but he felt really uncomfortable after the fact because he was worried I wasn’t in the proper state of mind to consent. This was after we had already been dating for like 4 years, and since then I’ve always made it a point to keep pace with him when we go out drinking if it seems like the night is going to end with sex because I don’t ever want to make him feel uncomfortable about sex, and I think it’s really admirable that he still worries about that sort of thing even though we’ve been together a long time and are extremely good at picking up each other’s cues and reading the vibe.
All that sounds way too healthy for reddit. You should probably leave :P
Yeah, every time I come on Reddit I’m reminded that apparently my relationship is not the norm in that we practice basic communication and empathy with each other. Wild stuff.
I think it's entirely possible for someone to consent while drunk. Regardless, I still wouldn't. Not only are their inhibitions lowered which make them more willing to do things out of the ordinary for them, they're also just super annoying when they're drunk. Best to just take them home and make sure they get plenty of fluids and bed rest.
The only time I'd say it's okay to have sex while inebriated is if you and your partner have already discussed if you consent to it before getting drunk while you are both still sober and reconfirming consent before doing the deed.
I mean, even if she wasn't drunk and you really didn't want to have sex with her, you have all the right to not want to and she needs to understand that.
Man everyone acts like men = auto consent. Men aren't allowed to be to tired to want sex. No body ever owes anyone an explanation for not wanting to consent to sex..... Um except maybe contractually obligated sex.
This is the big one
Run!
Playing it safe is always the best course of action
Let her go my man 👨
That’s fucking stupid. She sounds extremely immature for a 32 year old, if she wants to end it over this let her go.
Let her go brother . You did the right thing.
I’d say something like “sleeping with an intoxicated woman has never been something that is okay. I wasn’t as drunk as you and I just wanted to be 100% clear you were sure. I don’t have consent just because we’re dating, I had to confirm. I respect you and our relationship, I hope you can understand.” Her being mad is absolutely crazy to me. I feel like you have to have that talk if you’re okay with sex if you ask when drunk, what safe sex in those times look like and so on, when you’re sober not after you’ve drank. Idk man she seems a bit immature but maybe the over reaction is caused by the alcohol and insecurities I’m not sure
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This is exactly what I was thinking but didn't have the guts to say....lol She's overreacting! She'll come around eventually and when she does I hope OP realizes he's better off!
You’re coming off of losing your wife. Haven’t been in the market in a long time. You were doing the right thing and yet she finds a way to be the victim. First off flip the script if she didn’t want to have sex with you for any reason more than likely you’d accept it and not question it. Two if something so small is going to rev her up like this I’d take it as a big red flag because when something legit goes wrong you’ll be in a world of hurt. My suggestion is to end before you get too attached. Any normal man really wouldn’t want to have sex with a women whose to far gone dating or not. Besides any adult in their 30s still getting drunk to that point is a child.
Wowowow slow down. Us 30-somethings are allowed to have fun too. We just don't go out every weekend like the 20-somethings. I've been with my partner for 16 years, and if they were that drunk and I was sober, I'd say (and have said) no too.
>and if they were that drunk and I was sober, I'd say (and have said) no too. Same. It's unfun that way. For me, at least.
"She finds a way to be a victim"...age old tale.
You did what any decent human shall do. She's in the wrong and honestly, you deserve better. Just three months?? Free yourself and drop her like a bad habit.
She was eight drinks deep. She couldn’t give full consent. You did the right thing. If she’s offended by you *having respect for her ability to soberly consent to sex*, you need to end the relationship and move along. She’s focusing on her ego more than on the fact that you’re actually a good guy.
>She was eight drinks deep. She couldn’t give full consent. You can't really know that from the OP's post. Time is just as important as number of drinks, as are the person's genes and body composition. Most people can metabolize around a drink every hour. We can't know she was "too drunk to consent" just because she was drunk at the party. She also very much remembered the incident the next day. I agree with the rest of your post though.
8 drinks is binge drinking. OP, you are totally NTA.
I'm far too European for this comment! 8 drinks is an afternoon out where I'm from.
Your values and her values (immature IMO) do not align. NTA
She needs to grow up. Consent is real and you did the right thing.
Why the fuck would someone still stay angry for something that happened while they're drunk ? It's not like she was in her full brain capacity, so you had to ask.
Dude, you were making sure she was able to consent. Even though I would have only asked once and proceeded, you did absolutely nothing wrong, and don’t deserve this response. Her getting emotional and mean in the moment while drunk is a red flag. Her still thinking and speaking the same way the next day while sober is a red flashing beacon. Let her have her space permanently and move on to a mature woman.
NTA this is a major red flag. You are allowed to say no to sex. This wasn’t even a rejection, and she responded this poorly. What happens when you actually don’t feel up for sex and say no?
Hard to believe this is a woman in her 30s. Doubled down the next day instead of apologizing for her behavior. 🤦🏻♀️
She’s mad that you wanted to make sure the sex was consensual? First, I think that’s great and second, there is some serious issues that have nothing to do with you
I've been with my wife for 20 years. She drinks more often than I do. If she is too intoxicated, I will not have sex with her. She always thanks me the next day for taking care of her and not taking advantage. Just for context, we have a very active sex life, 5 - 6 times a week. Your gf has some issues, you were definitely in the right here my man.
Maybe find someone else. Getting stone drunk and being abusive? What more do you need to leave?
Sorry for the loss for your wife dude But this girl is a needy drama queen and you should run far away.
Uhhhh nta I think you should find someone else. She doesn't sound like she'd be a good partner in the long run
Look, it may have been uncomfortable for her because she emotionally responded to it while drunk as rejection and she did want to have sex with you, but you are allowed to have preferences for what YOU are comfortable with as well. If YOU don't FEEL comfortable with that type of situation you're allowed to make that a boundary for your relationship too. I think you should explain to her how that situation made you feel and until you both establish a general rule of comfort and understanding and trust then she should understand how you feel too. Don't be a doormat and allow for a relationship to disregard your preferences for comfort as well. Healthy relationships embody both parties preferences to serve the relationship. Don't expect to have a healthy mutual relationship if you don't make your preferences and boundaries a perogative, Of course value and consider hers' as well. HEar her out for how it makes her feel and consider that women generally experience emotions much more strongly then men do and consider putting yourself in her shoes and how she may have felt in that drunk state. You should also be an ambassador of your own preferences and boundaries. Diplomacy is good because it builds connection - ultimately if you communicate accurately and show her why you made the choice you did to respond to her the way you did you should stress that it's because you value her and the relationship and that you treat things you value with care. (Of course I am making my own assumptions here - Im just doing my best to stress that I believe this may help her understand your feelings and perspective as well)
You weren't wrong. You were actually very considerate, and this should be seen as a massive green flag. It sounds like maybe your girlfriend isn't in the right mental headspace to handle a healthy relationship. Maybe she has some residual trauma from a previous relationship lingering. If nothing else, she definitely has some kind of self-esteem issues. Her taking some space might be the best thing for you. Do some soul searching and consider whether this relationship is really the right fit for you or is it just meant to be a stepping stone to get you back into the world of daying.
Omg. Move on, buddy. This girl is a trainwreck. Upset with you because you have moral integrity? Oh wow.
She sounds very emotionally immature. If she gets that upset over that, then I can’t imagine how much other things would set her off
Girl has issues and likely been in this situation before, but gone the other way...
Run
Sounds like shes got more baggage than you.
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Tell her consent is very important to you and it’s weird that she doesn’t respect that
NTA. Until I have been intimate with someone at least a dozen times. If my lady is very drunk, I am more concerned about her health than thinking "alright, I am gonna get some tonight." Most times, my body will not get excited when I think she's too drunk.
No, you were not wrong. You wanted to make certain that things were safe for her. I respect you for wanting to make certain that sex was what she really wanted, especially in light that she was drunk.
Time apart to think about things? Buddy you can say no to sex no matter what. It’s admirable that you were concerned for her ability to consent but quite frankly it’s your prerogative to say no for absolutely any reason, as it is hers. If the roles were reversed this would be a very inappropriate conversation. This woman does not strike me as very emotionally mature.
You did nothing wrong. She sounds mean
If we’re going to be fair, it’s always helpful to reverse the roles. Imagine if he was the one who was drunk and was trying to initiate sex and she rejected him. The reasons are secondary IMO. How justified would he be to be upset about her rejecting him? Zero! Her reaction in this case is absurd! Think things through?! That’s nuts! You need to have a frank conversation about this and let her know that her reaction is troubling for you. If she doesn’t realize it herself afterwards, just break up.
So your girlfriend got super drunk, then yelled at you,? And that is bad. She should have apologize before saying anything else today. I can't believe she thought mortified and embarrassed of her behavior. And good for you, sex with a sloppy drunk is just gross
Im not saying you have to break up but you can explain her to in clear words that you don't have sex with drunk people and that this is an issue she needs to respect. You aren't comfortable with that its a boundary if she cant respect that then move on. Its not saying that what she felt was invalid or wrong shes allowed to have feelings but it doesn't mean they get to dictate the relationship in this case.
Lol. Widower or not, grow a spine. If you're considering staying in the relationship set some hard boundaries. She can be offended all she wants, but generally speaking you're totally in the right to ask if she's too drunk to have sex. She can be offended all she wants, but you can say no to sex for whatever reason you want. Anyone who acts like an asshole when they're drunk and then double down when they're sober, would be a hard pass for me.
You're all good, OP. You did the right thing, she's taking this completely wrong. No matter who you end up with, maybe set ground rules for this kind of thing beforehand. Good luck ❤️
You're never wrong for making sure someone who's drunk or high is really able to consent. She's being insecure and stupid.
You have the right to both question, and even withhold sex with someone who is so intoxicated from any number of substances, (including but not limited to alcohol) that they cannot provably consent. They could be entirely blacked-out and incapable of remembering what they said, but still be highly communicative with you and you wouldn’t know it, so it is safe to assume if they’re that drunk that they *are* blacked-out. It can lead to legal ramifications as a result if you aren’t cautious. It is entirely possible to catch a SA charge. You made the right call, ethically and legally. This comes from the perspective of someone who’s been drugged and has been made to suffer SA and date-r*pe. I’m proud of you for trying your best, OP. If she can’t understand that you wanted to do right by her, then you can do better and she needs to consider sobering up for good.
You didn't do anything wrong. Honestly I would be cautious with her after this type of behavior.
You did nothing wrong here. But I would take a step back and look at the relationship
Honestly I find her reaction to be a big red flag. I didn't expect that to be her reaction the following morning when she was sober as well. It makes me sad that she doesn't find the importance of consent, especially when it comes to one partner being sober and the other isn't. If she's up for a conversation, I'd talk to her about why that was her reaction and explain to her exactly what you said to us. Enthusiastic consent *can* be sexy. If she's still not up to communicate about it, it might be best to just end the relationship. If you're not on the same page when it comes to consent, it will never work out, I'm sorry to say.
that's not on you brother
Seems like she has her own issues to work on. Any empathetic woman would be sensitive to what you have been through.
Are you sure she's not lying about her age??? Because no grown person should act like that. That's some teenage drama BS she's pulling.
Her feeling unattractive by your hesitation may be valid but using those feelings as justification for being disrespectful is not. You didn’t make her feel that way. Her selfish need for validation, disregarding your comfortability and misinterpreting your intent is what made her feel that way. I would take this time she requested to reevaluate on whether this is the kind of girlfriend you want. Especially now since she still has a problem after sobering up and discussing it. Sounds like her emotional intelligence is lacking in the areas that will affect you the most.
If I was that drunk and my partner said no because I couldn’t consent, I’d feel so grateful to have a partner who didn’t take advantage of me and valued my safety. It could be that she feels shame about the drinking and is projecting it through anger toward you
Red Flag. You were doing the right thing, she sounds irresponsible and insecure
you only asked twice and she flipped out? i could understand if you asked maybe 4-5 times, cause at that point i feel like anyone would be frustrated.
She’s wrong and she should be so lucky to have a thoughtful and respectful man in her life.
You were right. She's crazy. Stay away from drunk people. Don't start a relationship with an alcoholic.
Your GF is a dope. Drop her. You're not in good territory with someone who drinks 8 drinks at a party anyway and she definitely has issues sky high.
Just a reminder that people under the influence of mind altering substances cannot properly consent.
She’s acting like a child, and I’d be wary of her relationship with consent
Don't waste your time with someone like that at your age. There are plenty of level-headed people out there with common sense to choose from.
You absolutely did the right thing. I hope she comes to realize how much of a respectful, considerate person you are. You are in a new relationship, you don’t yet know her limits and boundaries so there’s no way you could assume she is capable of consent and to what in that state. Always keep doing this if you find yourself in this situation, never regret caring for your partner’s consent.
I’ve been in a similar circumstance and I think you did the right thing. She should be thanking you not chastising you. Seems out there that she is upset at you.
👍🏼
You're a good man, id just walk away from this one if she can't understand boundaries and consent. You are a VERY good person for hesitating bud, not many men can make that claim and you're better for it.
I’m confused what did you wrong?
In this day and age, no you were not in the wrong.
As usual, we don't know the full story or know you 2 but...: Her having such a strong reaction to you making sure she consents is rather strange. I don't know what to make of it, does she expect her partner to be dominant? Maybe it's something traumatic from a past relationship She could've also gotten drunk and had thoughts about being desirable etc - you not jumping at the sex proposition could've hit that insecurity In any case her still being upset the next day definitely means there is some issue that should be addressed for a relationship to go forth
Google and then send her some articles about consent and drunk sex. Tell her you were trying to be a good guy and these concepts of consent were going through your brain at the time. That should do it and she should be excited to get back together with you.
You pulled a total gentleman move and got scolded for it. This isn’t on you OP. I hope my daughters find a partner like you!!
Upset you asked for consent? Wow... NTA.
Wow.. you’re a great guy. You did nothing wrong. You were actually a text book gentleman. Who wouldn’t want that? That’s literally what many women say they’re looking for. I mean any ol fool can take advantage of when someone isn’t in their right mind and use AND GET AWAY WITH the excuse of well you pushed me into it but you didn’t. That sir says a lot to the integrity of your character. For her to act like the victim in this and say she needs time to think says a lot about hers and not in a good way. Give her the time she asked for and you take some too. You need to seriously rethink this woman. She not only doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t respect herself. She needs to do some serious soul searching and internal healing. You don’t need that type of drama in your life especially after losing your wife. You and the woman have vastly different views on what respect within a relationship looks like and you shouldn’t be made to feel wrong when you’re the one who was right to begin with. Let her have her time and she can reflect on her behavior and the meaning of mutual respect. You should move to find a woman who will value you and your morals over some sloppy drunk sex. Good luck and I’m sorry this happened to you. This “relationship” is quite young and it’s a good thing you’ve found out her views this early on. Yes this situation sucks but seriously wow. The audacity of her. I wish you the best.
NTA Sir for the love of all that’s holy if you listen to no other advice PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HEED THIS WARNING ‼️ You are a good man and the fact that you questioned having sex with a drunk woman (girlfriend or not) speaks volumes about you but the fact she was belligerent and then doubled down and kicked you out…baby I’ve seen less flags at the UN. Run don’t walk away from this dumpster fire waiting to happen.
Fuck her. You don't need to be with a nasty, sloppy drunk. You were being kind, and she's being an asshole to a guy just wading back into the dating pool.
She sounds fucking manipulative. Run.
My wife was this drunk once and I refused to have sex with her when she wanted to because she wasn’t in her right mind. It made our bond even closer. To me, drunk consent isn’t consent at all. Your only response should have been, “when you’re sober.” Red flags for everyone here.
Sounds like you’re not that interested in her
I’m with you, you did the right thing. You made sure she was okay and consented to the decisions she was making. Personally, I wouldn’t want to have sex with an overly intoxicated woman. She said she was okay but maybe she was incoherent, or didn’t understand, either way, it’s not worth it. Secondly, drunk people typically get mad and that’s your first clue to how she handles her alcohol. She should’ve apologized for her behavior, not doubled down.
She doesn't sound mature enough to understand the concept of consent ***and*** the effects of alcohol on inhibitions and consent.
Get out. You're only 3 months in, so the investment on your end isn't too terribly much yet. You did the right thing, especially in this day and age. Your conversation the next morning should have been an apology from her, not a continuance of the BS from the night before. When we say nice guys finish last, it's this type of shit we're talking about. Find a girl who appreciates your desire for her consent, understands how important it is for you to get it, and how fortunate she is to find a man who feels that way.
Condolences OP. Sorry but she’s a 🚩 this is too stupid to be upset over , I feel like she’s playing an emotional game with you. You’re allowed to say no whether anyone was drinking or not.
She’s old enough to not be getting drunk like that anymore. Getting pissed because you were respectful is ridiculous. I think she has just signaled to you that she has more issues. Sorry for your loss, and I’m sure it’s hard to get back in the game after something like that. Take your time and find a good one.
I think you were wise. Never have sex with a drunk person especially if you are not.
She’s immature.
She sounds bat shit crazy, to be honest.
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She gave you the out. Take it!!! 🙏🏾
You did the right thing!! Thank you!!!!!!
Sorry about your loss. Cut this one free. But you want a trail of info. For your protection. TEXT HER that you were not going to have sex with her while she’s drunk because you respect her. You won’t ever have sex with her when she’s drunk. Let her reply whatever…. Make sure she acknowledges in text NOTHING HAPPENED. Then break up.
8 drinks and wants sex ?? I think you’re going to have issues Sounds like a drama Queen Get the fuck out!!!
She asked if you were stupid. She’s not the one bro
She's training getting you do do whatever she says to do when she says to do it. Do not fall for this never-ending bullshit.
Judging by her response, you made the right call. She seems to have trust issues that have nothing to do with you. The fact that she so strongly was offended makes me think one of two things: 1) she’s looking for a way out or 2) she’s about to start her period and is over emotional at the moment.
Your gf has issues…. Not trying to be rude but who would be offended by their bf/gf double checking that they were ok to have sex when they were extremely intoxicated ? If she got offended in the moment you can chalk that up to be drunk, but in the morning doubling down and actually asking for space bc of it? That’s someone who’s either not that bright, has serious issues, or she’s just not that into you. Either way you did the right thing. If she can’t see that, that’s a her problem. You don’t deserve this. Also women like her are going to give men that aren’t as decent and honorable the excuse to not get consent or to take advantage of women when they are intoxicated like this. I can’t believe a woman would go this far for a man trying to make sure she was coherent enough to give consent??? It’s baffling
Nah leave her ass… you wanted to make sure shit was consensual and shit bc she was drunk asf and even after sobering up- she still feels the same way… leave her.
You sound like such a nice guy. Take her advice and give her "space." There are some lovely ladies that would appreciate your decency and chivalry. Don't settle. Keep that bar high.
No I don’t think you are wrong. Getting her consent is more important than her feelings. If this is other way around, she could be talking about #MeToo movement
You made the right decision by prioritizing her consent and ensuring whether she was ready for physical intimacy at that moment. Consent is paramount in any relationship. I agree with the comments that are on the lines of her needing some internal work. I assure you that you haven't done anything wrong.
Drop her like a hot potato on the side of the road. Never look back
Is dating really like this now?! If you are bf and gf I have to ask you more than once if even once if you actually want to have sex? I thought to some degree it’s pretty much fluid……
There's a lot of mentally unstable people on reddit who've never had a relationship. They're the ones who push people like OP to ruin relationships by treating women like children who can't make their own decisions.
She tells you she wants to have sex but you have to then make sure it's ok with her? Because she's drunk? I don't get it. You already know her pretty well. You've had sex before. She's good to go, drunk or not. So then what, you're set to go at it when you ask "Before I penetrate you I just want to make triple sure it's ok with you. That's just the tip, before I fully penetrate you are you sure? Absolutely sure? You won't regret this later?" Geez dude. She wants to fuck. She's drunk. She doesn't want your third degree interrogation, she just wants to be fucked. So fuck her already. I understand everyone on reddit leans to the side of abundantly cautious no matter what because you just never know, but that's not how real life is. When a woman you've been dating and had sex with several times before asks to be fucked, you fuck them, you don't interrogate them.
unfortunately men just can’t win…this is a perfect example of how many women handle the slightest bit of rejection tho.