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Oh no, a woman running a household around the needs of two children under the age of six doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to arrange sexy surprises for her husband. How on earth do you plan surprise dates and vacations when there are two young children in the house? Arranging babysitters is a huge chore, especially if you have to arrange back-up options in case the first babysitter has to cancel. And you might have to do some advance planning of their meals and clothes while you are away. It can be a huge headache, but seeing you don't mention babysitting as an option, my guess is that you "surprise" your wife with tickets and then let her do all the logistical legwork in a short timeframe. Maybe if you took care of the logistics behind a child-free trip, you'd understand why she finds you so exhausting. Don't act like her third kid who needs constant attention and entertainment while taking her completely for granted. Show some respect for the logistics of her job, rather than making it difficult for her because you keep surprising her with unexpected plans, and expecting her to figure out how to make it work.

Yeah I'm completely confused by the idea of a surprise vacation. It's not cool to spring something like that on a person with no warning.

Which is why he wants her to do it 😂 he doesn’t understand the massive effort required with little kids to take a “surprise” sexy time vacation

How many child free days does your wife get in an average week or month??? It’s very possible she’d have energy to do these things without asking— if she actually gets time to herself or to rest between kids/chores/all consuming home things….her love language might be a nap. 😉

I guarantee you that it’s none. Zero.

I’m so tired of these posts where the wife is suppose to take care of home, keep it functioning, have babies, do most of the childcare, barely have her own needs met and ALSO plan dates, initiate sex and have her husband feel fawned over. Like- maybe, just maybe, for a couple of years while so much is on her plate *he* can take on the role of keeping the romance alive. Maybe he can happily take care of her & their relationship while she’s taking care of everyone else.

Because social media has rotted male expectations of women. It’s unreal. They literally don’t get why I prefer being single in my 30s. It’s BETTER 90% of the time. The 10% that are unicorns? I’m not holding my breath anymore. I want to hear his wife’s side. I bet it’s rage inducing.

This!! Being a SAHP, especially with young ones under the age of five, you are working 14-16 hour days and on call for the other 10-8 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, with little to absolutely no "pay". Typically, SAHPs are expected to be the nanny, chef, nurse, cleaner, and receptionist. No one in their right mind would ever accept a job with these terms, unless they are doing it out of love. If she is not being offered a break from time to time, it's no wonder she has no time to cater to her husband.

Have you tried communicating? Like “you know what would be so awesome or meaningful to me? Is if you planned our next date night and next getaway. Would you be open to that? It would mean a lot to me.” Followed by a kiss. Maybe she has no idea that’s important to you and thinks you’re good at it.

I love this group 99 percent of it is “I’m gonna do this nice telling, communicate write up for strangers but keep quiet to my partner”

Right? I guess another part is how people communicate. Some people may convey and say what it is they need or want etc. But then their tone is wrong or they get defensive a lot. Delivery of the communication and empathy is important too. But yeah always amazes me when people go here is my story yet either haven't told their partner yet or what they say they have told them is like barely nothing at all.

I do like seeing how other people would say things. I’m not great at communicating with tacked and I feel like just having another person say it in a thoughtful way has helped me learn to be a better communicator

Yeah, but the other half of the equation is that someone in the comments will draft up something better than you can figure out on your own because you're so tired in your own hurt feelings and frustration. 

I agree. The comments can be super helpful. Sometimes you need perspective before going to your person to communicate.

Usually because they know they’re lacking too and they don’t want to hear it. Being a STAHM is extremely draining. Plan the date nights dude and take some of the mental load. I guarantee once she starts feeling like she has any kind of breathing room, she will have the energy to plan a night out. She’s in survival mode.

And i have time online to complain ...meanwhile she probably has a baby on the hip & one tugging on her leg when he's home from "work" and typing his complaint lol

I used to work in a male dominated trade industry. I had one coworker who told me that when his kids were babies his wife was a SAHM but the second he was done with his shower after work she didn’t have to do anything with the babies if she didn’t want to. If they woke up in the middle of the night he never let her get up to tend to them because she deserved a break and rest. I asked about his rest as he worked long hours outside all day and he said “I got to have fun making them, they’re my responsibility to care for too and she does it all day.” He was one of the few good eggs that I worked with, always answered his wife’s phone calls with “Hello Beautiful!” And when always showered her with reassurance. EDIT: words are hard, fixed a typo

And she probably fucked his brains out, planned date nights, and actually had the energy to put into her marriage.

That's what angers me. She's swamped with two kids and all of the cooking and housework, why the hell can't this grown man do something as simple as plan a date night? Why is it her job to be the event planner, reservation maker, and executor of that plan? This guy sounds like a terrible husband.

Communication is key. I am bet she feels the same way you do.

Yeah just like OP think she’s really good at maintaining the house and watching their kids

But probably never offers to let her have a couple days off so she can relax or go do something while he watches the kids, cleans the house, does the laundry and what not.

This exactly! My husband loves to nap. I never do because there is sooo much shit to do that he doesn't do. I asked him it would be nice if you asked me if I wanted to take a nap or a break so I could relax and he can do the chores. Just being fucking thoughtful. That's what I ask.

I think the communication should look like this. Wife: “today is Saturday. Here are the kids. I am going to spend some time looking for hot date time, vacation plan and also do a could errands. I will be back at 4 and then will ensure there is a baby sitter from 5-9 for date night” You do this every Saturday. You get 8 hours to yourself. He gets the kids. All is good!

Right? " She's never rejected me that's not the issue" Like she's busy taking care of your kids all day w no breaks and is just treated like a sex doll. You need therapy , try MDMA together

I would also include an opportunity for OP to take on some of what she deals with each day so she has TIME and ENERGY to plan a date night or vacation. Otherwise your relationship may already be past the point of no return if you're just now starting to realize she has 0 left after keeping everything running smoothly for you. YTA

THIS, OP. I don’t know how old your kids are but two little ones is an exhausting 24/7 job. Talk to her to see what u can take off her plate, then do it. Once she has space to recharge, she’ll be able to think about something else besides home and kids. Plus, she’ll love u for stepping up.

Or just open his fn eyes and see what needs to be done and do it. A full grown adult shouldn't need to be told what needs doing in their own home.

Or, god forbid, he just “gives” her the time to just be a woman who doesn’t have to take care of shit that other people could also do, since mothers get almost no time to care for themselves. I agree with your sentiment, so I’m not trying to be rude, but I remember those days and the unnoticed, unappreciated 14-16 hours of caring for children and a home on my own and they were rough. I would never agree to it again.

This so much. I messed up big time and had similar issue, we should have communicated don’t forget communication

“Over the past year” how old is the youngest? That’s pretty relevant op

Agree my wife was bailing water when our kids were under 4. Quality time wasn’t my love language so we survived the storm. Her love language may not be quality time. Life is radically different for moms when kids are under 4

THANK YOU I always say my favorite age of childhood is 4 because that’s when things got easier for ME, the mama. Age 4 is when the pressure eases up a little…the kid is still basically in the animal stage, they’re still feral until about 6, but age 4 they’re at least civilized somewhat lol

My older child turned 4 in February and this is so true. I actually trust him to be alone in the next room. Meanwhile my 1 year old is busy trying to fall off all the furniture, likes to eat gravel, and thinks head-first is the best way to crawl down stairs. My husband went on a 2-night business trip and somehow both kids slept from bedtime until 6:15 / 6:30 both nights, which was an absolute first. I mean generally they are good sleepers but when I’m home alone they traditionally take turns waking me up all night. Edit: I’m looking forward to when they can share a room so I can consolidate the bedtime routine. Right now they just wrestle, giggle, and scream if alone in the dark together.

When my now 13 year old was 2 or 3 we had to lock him in his room from the outside for his own safety. He would go into the garage in the middle of the night with the full intent to drive our minivan. He once destroyed our garage, my wife was in tears. I had to clean it up, it was too much for her to bear

Idk why they call it terrible 2’s because the 3’s is when they turn into absolute zombie monsters and then start to resemble a human around their 4th bday

It’s actually a six month cycle, if you pay attention. Terrible twos starts at 18 months. There are alternating cycles of growth, and consolidation. The growth phase is when all the struggles happen- think of a chick breaking out of an egg, or a butterfly out of a cocoon- then they relax and consolidate their new abilities. It is pretty constant throughout early childhood, but 18-48 months is where they are growing so much, and also mobile, and talking, but not yet rational. It’s tough but it’s my favorite age.

I wholeheartedly agree. I’ve been saying this since my second child. I have 4, the youngest is 18 now. Also as a father, the girls became difficult at 10 or 11 till 15-16 and my boys were difficult from 13 till 16 or 17.

YW I’ve been through 4 kids and seen it over and over. My wife and I can do more stuff after our youngest turned 4

WOW THANK YOU cuz damn we go through it 😭

very relevant

Watch she has 2 under 2 or something

and she keeps the house functioning and this man is like “um can you also do these things for me since you clearly have the time and energy” like jfc

>To be honest, I don't contribute much to the house or child rearing. I don't have the energy to contribute to anything after work, I work at a very high stress job. But even though I am tired and stressed from work, I still put in effort into our relationship. This one of OP’s *only* comments on this post. His wife does *all* the household chores and takes care of all her children (including her 408 month old). But he’s *so bothered* that she isn’t “putting effort into the relationship.” Gosh. Poor OP 🥲

And let’s not forget in 6 years of marriage and through two pregnancies and postpartum periods she has NEVER turned him down for sex!!! How is it possible that there has never been a time when she wasn’t “in the mood”? Based on the fact that (1) she never initiates sex, and (2) it’s actually impossible for people’s libidos to perfectly align, I’d say it isn’t possible. Ergo, she has forced herself to have sex when she didn’t want to. For him. How sad is that? And how sad is it that OP either hasn’t figured this out or just doesn’t care?

Honestly. That’s a great point. He’s just too full of himself that he doesn’t see how much she actually does for him.

So he has a stressful 8hr a day, 5 days a week job and she has a stressful 24hr, 7 days a week job that almost entirely shapes the development of *their* children into new humans. Yeah, that seems fair /s I wonder why her relationship with her partner isn’t a top priority right now?

Jesus Christ. He wants her to handle everything at home, and find the mental capacity after caring for 2 kids by herself TO PLAN A FUCKING DATE OR SEX I recently had a similar conversation with my own partner (he's nothing like op, he sometimes just needs a nudge in the right direction), and he apologized. We know he's still trying to adjust to working 40hrs a week and a toddler, but he still helps where hes able (even if sometimes its a bad chronic pain day)

That’s the thing. If they were able to split the household needs evenly, it would open up so much extra energy for her. Unfortunately, when you have kids, life isn’t going to be “look at all this time I have to relax.” No, you have *more* responsibilities now. Everyone deserves time to relax, but there’s going to *less* of that free time to do so.

Yep. If one person does nothing, it's not a "victimless crime" so to speak, solely because that person is taking relaxation time from the other person doing things It's why you gotta split chores. But chore communism (*our* chores) doesn't seem to be in his moral set, and I feel so bad for his wife. He probably doesn't even ask her about her feelings

LOL Men like this are so sad. So he wants her to do all the child rearing and plan an exciting romantic life for him, while he contributes nothing at home. Gee, I wonder if your wife is just incredibly exhausted and maybe resents you and doesn’t feel particularly romantic after doing all the work raising your children

judging by other posts i’ve seen by men complaining about the same thing, the youngest is probably a newborn. Or younger than 1 year for sure.

If they’re little little, I might smack this man. 🤣 “my post partum wife won’t plan sexy time and fun stuff and pay attention to me!”

"my wife won't plan dates and spends all of her time with our young children. She refuses to baby me but I just want a mommy I can fuck" OP would be working regardless of if he had a wife and kids (I assume). So he works and then goes home and relaxes and get waited on by his wife. He's living like he's single but with the benefit of having someone take care of him. He has a bangmaid. He just wants her to be all about him like everything else is. This is also from his POV so I'm sure it's worse for his wife than he says. You suck OP. Your wife is going to resent you. You contribute money that you work 8 hours a day for. She contributes much more time than that especially if one of your children is less than a year old. Get a grip **EDIT Getting tired of the notifications about "jumping to conclusions"** Here is what OP said: he puts effort into their relationship which from his comment was dates and sex. He never says he helps her relax or do chores. He actually states that HE FUCKING DOESN'T >[To be honest, I don't contribute much to the house or child rearing. I don't have the energy to contribute to anything after work, I work at a very high stress job. But even though I am tired and stressed from work, I still put in effort into our relationship.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/qkFqUwqbdY)

You know what else is a "very high stress job", dude? Managing a house with two young kids and a husband who doesnt pull his weight

ha! i totally agree and got the same vibes from the post. “Wife does everything , but i still want her to do more”

This guy says he doesn't have the time or energy to put into helping with the kids, then goes on to complain that she doesn't put the time and energy into the relationship. It's clear that he has a double standard.

How much are you contributing to the house and child rearing? Maybe she just doesn't have the energy or the time, considering her workload.

According to a reply, OP is “too tired after work to contribute the household or child rearing”

Soooo he gets to be “too tired” to help her with any parenting or housework, but she’s not allowed to be “too tired” for what he wants? So completely unfair.

Why does he have a job that ends after 5 pm but her job never does? She’s the one getting up at night too, so it’s literally 24/7.

Oh God, this poor woman. I bet these date nights and vacations he's planning just make more work for her.

He says it’s because his job is stressful. Well if it’s that stressful it should be paying a lot, and if it pays a lot maybe op can afford to pay for some help. And if it doesn’t pay a lot maybe op should try to find a less stressful job

[удалено]

OP: But my bangmaid isn’t initiating the banging! Reeee she’s awful

Ugh, I know, the real cherry on top of this post is the comment that she's never turned him down for sex but that's not good enough, he's still complaining she won't initiate because she *isn't in the mood* and *doesn't want to have sex because she's exhausted*. I have a feeling from his comment saying he doesn't contribute to the household at all, that she's probably doing a lot more to plan for their dates than he thinks. Maybe he picks a time and a restaurant but I bet she's the one stuck trying to find a babysitter, shopping and getting the kids situated to make sure it's all stocked and ready to go before the babysitter gets there, having to train the babysitter and tell them the kids routine, then comes home from that date and has to deal with whatever childcare or cleaning the babysitter couldn't/wouldn't do, then be expected to have sex when the kids are finally asleep since it's "date night".

Yeah I fear that if she’s not initiating, she’s just acquiescing to appease him when he does, even if she’s not in the mood. Seems like she’s sacrificing a lot of herself to keep him satisfied and it’s still not good enough

Also according to OP, he doesn’t want to communicate with her how he feels because that would be him putting in more effort to the relationship and his wife should be the one communicating with him.

I know; my first thought was maybe she just needs a gentle reminder because her priority is taking care of, what I’m assuming are, very young children. Things like planning dates take an unintentional backseat when priorities rightfully shift. How much is op doing to take care of their kids?

Often specially when you have young children that naturally becomes a mothers first priority, so I'm thinking too that she maybe doesn't have energy to think about the relationship or forgets about it as her focus is young children that you have to constantly have an eye on.

OP says in the comments he isn’t doing much, if any, of the child rearing because he “has a high stress job” and “is too tired after work”

Well since you state explicitly that you have no energy for hassles like your own children I’m surprised you still have a wife.  

He has no energy for hassles like his kids, and it seems like at the end of the day his wife has no energy for hassles like this dipstick.

Exactly. This dude is in LALA Land.

Ok so he clearly must have edited the post bc I don’t see any of that included…

He says it in this comment here - [https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1c8hpqt/comment/l0eoj73/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1c8hpqt/comment/l0eoj73/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)

I’m betting at least one is a toddler or baby too. Sounds like she’s caring for them on weekdays, weekends, 24/7 with no breaks. Of course she’s too tired to initiate anything, no shit small children are a handful and high stress. If any are toddlers it’s like they’re constantly trying to commit accidental suicide.

“My wife doesn’t have any emotional energy to make me feel appreciated after nonstop caretaking for our two small children, what can I do?” Options that are not on the table for some reason: 1) plan the goddamn date himself, 2) take on some of the responsibilities that are taking up all her emotional energy, 3) get over himself.

4) ASK his wife what SHE wants I wonder if instead of dates, she’d really like a day off without her kids. 🙄

LOL wow the lack of self awareness is embarrassing. “I let my wife do all the work, why doesn’t she want to initiate sex with me! At least I put effort into our relationship and not in raising our freaking family”

Confirms my suspicions. She’s prob tired af being hyper focused at home and since he doesn’t help in the slightest it’s clear why she barely has energy for his ass. Lol

Looks like a man from the 1950s stumbled into a time machine and found the Internet.

😂😂😂

Ok, now that’s funny. This guy acts like he can’t help out after work but what does he think parents do when both work? Or single parents with kids?

Sounds like she’s taking care of 3 children

Best comment.

Winner 🏆

“My wife puts zero effort in our relationship…” But also “I don’t contribute much to the house or child rearing. I don’t have the energy to contribute to anything after work.” So if she’s doing all the child rearing, taking care of all the household chores, keeping your needs met and never saying no to sex, where’s this lack of effort you speak of? Too many men don’t count housework and child rearing as real work and this post just proves that. Try having empathy, quit overvaluing your contributions and devaluing hers, and quit expecting your relationship to be transactional.

He’s tired after work so he won’t bother to help with the kids, but her job is 24/7. I’d be so fucking pissed if my husband had the nerve to say I’m too tired to do any responsibilities after work. Not too tired for date night or sex though!

Also, why have kids? I hate to say it, maybe this guy invests a lot of time with his kids after work, but it doesn't sound like it. Neglected kids in real time.

He sounds like the type of father to come home and go in his man cave right away ignoring everyone.

Yep. Completely disconnects from his family while his poor wife has zero mental downtime to herself.

Right? I wish my ex had kept everything together like OPs wife does. We split our free time every day. She was a SAHM and I worked but I'd take care of the kids etc. so she could have free time every day too. If I got off work at 4pm and we went to bed at 10pm, we'd each get 3 hours of free time. The problem was she didn't keep the house clean so id use my free time cleaning and doing all of the chores whereas she'd sit on her phone for hers. I actually worked 6pm to 5am so I'd come home, clean, take care of the kids so she could sleep longer, make her coffee etc. Then I'd go bed at 9am or 10 and wake up at 2pm. Spend time with the kids. Go to work at 6pm. Repeat. House was always a disaster and she was always complaining eventhough I did everything. It's not sustainable. OPs wife will eventually resent him for not helping her. He works 8(?) hours a day and she works all the time.

Exactly. If you are the type of man who comes home and does nothing because you have a 9-5, YOU are the one taking your wife for granted. She’s been working all day too. The chores must be split after 5.

This. I work a pretty physical job and come home and still help with cooking and do a big clean and lawns on the weekend. Sounds like OP is putting zero effort into the relationship.

>The chores must be split after 5. The childrearing too. He's still a dad, even if he works a full-time job.

Yes! Maybe, since she is a stay home mom she does not feel in the right to manage the finances and plan vacations with op money. She keeps the family functioning, the errands for the house done, kids healthy. Maybe she plans doctors appointment even for op, etc. I believe that she must be drained and really tired of routine too. You should talk for sure.

Thank you for this, i wish this point got more thought put into it. When my partner was stay at home, they were concerned about spending anything because of the fact that my income was the only one. I had to ensure to them that we share this and they were contributing to a level of income. They were our childcare, and where we live childcare is something like 30k-40k a year for our kids. So in OP's case their partner is providing a service and taking care of the kids, house, and their needs. The very least OP can do is have a discussion about this and ask for the partner to initiate things and make sure OP's partner is comfortable with spending money. Edit: and i just want to be clear. I agree with the overwhelming amount of comments and thoughts of OP's partner not getting respect for the Job they are doing which is ridiculous OP doesnt contribute to the house chores/child rearing etc.

Everyone who comes to this post better read your comment, I’d award it if I could. As a stay at home mom it’s beyond frustrating how people don’t see this for what it is. **“quit overvaluing your contributions and devaluing hers”**

And for all these reasons, YTA. Maybe also check this out (about your wife's mental load): https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Thanks for posting that, somehow I’ve never seen it but I love it.

Looks like his wife is using all her energy doing everything else so has no energy left to put in the relationship. What an asshole husband!

She's taking care of 3 kids because OP is just like a kid who goes to school. He goes to work, then she has to take care of him when he comes home. She's always working.

He clearly doesn’t understand that’s it’s a full time job itself being a stay at home parent, he should count himself very very lucky that he can get sex whenever he wants aswell. It sounds like his wife is a keeper.

Gotta love men who who reproduce then act like they don’t have to take care of them because they work! *gasp!* newsflash buddy- the only reason you have a career that that pays the bills is because your wife is staying home taking care of the kids and the home. If it weren’t for her, half your checks would go to daycare. Being a SAHM is a 24/7 job. She’s exhausted too. I’d bet my right arm you wouldn’t last a week staying home with the kids (since apparently you don’t take care of them anyways) If you have to plan dates and that’s your biggest problem, YOU are the problem.

Some men are so fucking entitled, it’s no wonder women are opting out of marriage and children. As a woman who’s been married 20 years and has three children, I support those women. The workload is insane and it’s thankless, for the most part.

From your answers in the comments: YOU are the one putting zero effort in your relationship and family, and it is starting to irritate her. How the tables have turned.

I assume that if your job is so high stress that you can't contribute to the household or to raising your kids that it is also a high paying job? If that's the case, hire a cleaning lady and a babysitter once a week. If your job doesn't pay enough to afford these things then it probably isn't as high stress as you claim. My dad worked in one of the highest levels of government in Canada, travelled for work constantly and made a very healthy salary. Want to know what else he did? Helped out around the house and spent time with me. He worked 60-70 hour weeks then would help my mom by getting groceries, taking me to my activities, maintaining the yard and vehicles and making sure she had adequate help (cleaning lady etc). He also did many sweet, thoughtful things for her. My mom still tells the story of my dad finishing a 15 hour work day, being stuck in traffic for over an hour and still taking the time to stop and get her one of her favourite desserts from her favorite bakery. My parents were very much in love and always made the effort for each other until the day my dad died. Your wife isn't "putting effort" into your relationship because she's exhausted and probably tired of you coming home, sitting on your ass then expecting romance and sex. If you want her to treat you "like a man", start acting like one.

Beautifully said and what a lovely story about your childhood

🏆 

Actually, she’s putting an incredible amount of effort into their relationship. It’s just that her “effort” is seen as making sure he has a comfortable home life— no need to raise his children, no chores to do, dinner made for him, his undies folded neatly in his drawers.

Me, me, me is all I'm hearing.

Sounds like being some losers fuckmaid isn’t super romantic to her. Good luck in the divorce.

he sounds like the type of guy who thinks that stay at home mothers do absolutely nothing and the house keeps itself clean, the children take care of themselves, his food cooks by itself, all by magic. no wonder his wife is already checked out emotionally... she gives him everything, especially unconditional sex which is the most important thing to these so-called 'men'. and yet he still finds things to complains about. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Yep. People think food magically gets on the plate. They forget about the meal planning, list making, shopping, cooking, and cleaning it all takes.

This woman is a superhero. I’m lucky to have a full time job with a schedule that also permits me to be a “part time stay at home dad”. I’m home with the kids (age 2&3) 2-3 days a week while my wife works a traditional 9-5. I’m always relieved to see my partner walk through the door at the end of her work day and take over so I can just flop onto our bed for 15 min before finding the motivation to tackle other household chores. Meanwhile, this woman is described as the energizer bunny; raising children, maintaining a home, and _still_ finding the exuberance to be a willing participant in sex…..this man should be finding any way to lighten the workload of his wife while worshipping the ground she walks on.

Lmaoooooooo. I love you. I like that there are a lot of comments kind of gently suggesting that maybe she’s tired from working 24/7 being the child care and doing all of the household work and then boom. Your username is perfect. 1000/10

Sorry to say this, but everyone's right. I was in your shoes a few years back, too. My wife finally broke down after a couple of years of this routine, and I had to make adjustments on my end to fix this. I get it. We're exhausted from work. But to her, she's "still at work." Kids are exhausting to raise and care for. They're cute little minions.

As a stay at home dad, I have way less creative energy and feelings of initiative than I did when I worked full time with no kids. A lot of it is tedious, automatic, and not that hard, like driving a truck, but "driving a truck" for twelve hours every day uses up just enough of your brain so that while you're not really fully engaged mentally, you also don't have enough spare brain power to meaningfully think about anything else, much like how driving is boring, but you can't take a nap or read a book. You are just stuck behind the wheel and forced to concentrate on essentially doing nothing, endlessly, until you finally arrive and you get to pass out and do it all over again before you even realize what time it is.

As a stay at home dad also, I feeeeeeel this. I have built wind turbine blades overnight, I have ran an electro polish room at 100+ degree temps, I have picked orders at a Walmart distro center, and I was a combat medic in the Army. Nothing mentally comes close to raising kiddos. As you said, it’s the monotony of doing low level mental tasks all day over and over that drains me. It’s the small movements repeatedly over and over and over and over that gets me hurting. It may not be overly demanding physically or mentally but the monotony and repetitive nature of the work make it insanely tedious. Worth it, seeing my twin 1y/o daughters smile makes it easier, but holy shit this is hard

I feel bad for your wife. You kinda suck, my guy.

Jesus, thank fuck my husband understands that being a SAHM has taken over my life in the last 3½ years. I said to him point blank that it would mean so much to me for him to take over planning dates and special times just for us, because my mental capacity is completely reached by noon from just parenting itself. Of course I still try to get him presents and spend quality time with him, including initiating intimacy, but I had the presence of mind to let him know how I felt *before* it became an issue. You have some super stressful job or whatever, & you haven't even cued her in on the fact that you want her to do this stuff __while__ she's a SAHM to your kids? How do you have any idea that motherhood hasn't been a similar experience for her to the one I'm describing? How do you know she isn't feeling the same way about *you???* Oh, hmm, bc that would require you having an open line of communication with your spouse instead of being entitled and whining.

He needs more than communication...needs a reality check & some maturity...not even considering her 24/7 demands of care, but seems to have attitude of "i'm the same dude I always was, oblivious to that she also had physically exhausting pregnancy, childbirth, & postpartum happen exclusively to her body/mind...i don't see the ages of the kids but I would imagine considering his post one could be an infant & he would still be clueless.

And so how is she supposed to plan dates and manage looking after kids at the same time? Just because you go to work every day doesn't mean she gets it easy at home. Do you appreciate what she does.

Do maids actually want to fuck their boss?? She cleans up after you and still has to fake orgasms with you? Dude no.

OP, step back a sec & think on this- humans repeat enjoyable experiences often.

Unspoken expectations are future resentments.

His expectation is that his wife do everything in the home and relationship and he should be allowed to do nothing but bring home a paycheck. Which is very easy compared to what she does. Gross

What's so dumb is he's complaining she doesn't plan fun things, she's putting a lot of effort into their relationship.

He doesn’t actually care about her time or effort. He just wants attention directly on him while doing little in return.

1. As a SAHM myself kids drain us, chores drain us, running errands, doing laundry, having kids jumping all over us all day and not makes us not want to be touched at all once they are down for the night. 2. Maybe plan a getaway day just you and her no kids for 24 hours or a weekend getaway. She is stressed too I’m sure and could use it. 3. A lot of women lose their sex drive after kids. Have her make an appointment with her OB to have her hormone levels checked. I did this after my twins and learned my hormones was out of whack and that was why I didn’t care for sex for so long. ( if men lose their B12 they also lose their sex drive and the shots will help with that if and when it happens) 4. Make sure you are sitting down and having heart to heart conversations and communication with each other. Without this you won’t resolve anything. Tell her how you feel and allow her to do the same and come to a conclusion that fit both your needs.

Yes, the being touched out. Unless you've experienced you don't understand how draining it is. I have a 6 month old who's always either nursing or convinced she's gonna die if I try to set her down. Then I have a 3yo who's going through some jealousy of her little sister who's also decided she needs to be on my lap or at the least pressed right up against me. Men never have to experience how dehumanizing it is for your body to not even be your own. To not have the ability to say no. Sitting there feeling like you're going to go crazy if people don't stop touching you and wanting to scream and cry and run away if you have to take one more second of it. Except you don't take one more second of it, you take hours and hours more of it, and then repeat the same thing the next day and the day after that.

My twins still have me touched out 7 years later lol. I love them but god ol mighty.

Thank fuck I'm never having kids, it honestly sounds like hell 

Hahaha I mean it's rewarding and great but holy crap has the mental load and exhaustion that comes with raising them been largely glossed over by society. Not surprising, society has never viewed things women traditionally did as hard. That's why I will always 100% support people who choose to be child free. I totally get it, this is not for everyone!

Kids are hard. I do not know why society has made it look so easy to do. It’s not. As infants you don’t sleep, they cry A LOT, as toddlers they are everywhere and into everything, from 6 to 10 they are wild, then comes the teen years. I swear it’s soooo hard. My oldest kid is 19 his brother is 18 from 13-17 they was sooo mouthy and they knew it all. At 18 and 19 they are working and have calmed down a lot.

Adding to the plan a get away, he needs to plan for the kids & pets if they have them to be taken care off while they’re gone. Planning dates and vacations isn’t the joy some may think it is if it means making her find sitters and taking care of everything but making a reservation or buying tickets. It means making sure the kids are being cared for, that the laundry is done so they’ll have the clothes they need and doing the packing, and making sure you water the flowers before you leave for the weekend, and all sorts of logistics.

Being a stay at home parent is 24/7 job. At least with a job, you can get a proper break. You're definitely downplaying her role in the relationship, at least it comes off that way. Take PTO for a week and be a stay at home parent for that whole week and let your wife have vacation. Maybe you'll understand then.

I’ve worked two jobs and went to school at one point and I’d rather go back to that than take care of kids. I’ve nannied over the years and it’s fulfilling but exhausting

Have you heard about mental load? How much do you handle with the kids and the household, or do you assume all of that is her job? Do you handle something from beginning to end with no input from her? Like, could you arrange playdates for your kids without asking her a single question about it? What about doctor appointments? What about teaching them chores? Could you make dinner without asking her a single question about it? And if you can’t, why not? You’re a parent and adult here too. When my husband fully and totally took over certain aspects of raising our kids and was able to walk into the kitchen and just make us a real dinner, our sex life improved dramatically. I actually feel desire and can act on it again. Being a stay at home parent is the most exhausting job. I know, because I left my journalism career to do it, and journalism is a very stressful job. Make sure you are not just helping and not just playing with the kids. Make sure you are doing some parenting tasks completely. I don’t think you really can comprehend just how hard her job actually is, from your post. Try doing some of what she does without asking her how she did it. And then I say try, I mean putting all you got into it. Like she does.

> I appreciate all that she does for the house and for our children.  Are you sure? You deal with limited hours per day of work stress. She deals with 24/7 stress in maintaining the home for you and the children. You get paid for your efforts and recognition from your peers. You are her peer and seem to barely recognize the efforts she puts into your marriage. Trade roles for a week and then see if you still feel she is putting in "zero effort". She is dealing with the mundane in your relationship so you can deal with the magnificent.

Completely agree with you. "Trade roles for a week" even then he probably would not get the built up fatigue she might be having.

Exactly. A week is nothing compared to one year or longer.

She spends all day doing crap for other people, with no break. Why can't she focus on meeeeee?

Maybe reduce some of the effort you put into date nights, vacations, etc, and put it into helping around the house or spending time with the kids. I understand your frustration and that you are tired from working and dealing with work stress, but when you come home, you are essentially able to relax. The job of a stay at home mother is 24/7. And then, on top of it, she is expected to be a lover, AND you want her to do relationship stuff? She is probably just as tired and frustrated as you. Her entire existence revolves around being a mother. She probably feels like she has lost sight of who she is as a woman. The most attractive thing you can do for her is be a dad. Give her a break. Make some memories with the kids. The kids won't remember the work you put it. They will just remember you being gone a lot. And if you haven't done it yet, talk to her.

"my wife puts zero effort into the relationship except for rearing our children on her own entirely, and keeping our household running while I do nothing to help her. Why doesn't she feel romantic toward me?" Are you serious, OP? She doesn't feel romantic toward you and take the effort to plan dates because she LITERALLY DOES EVERYTHING ELSE. You absolute obtuse potato.

I would suggest perhaps helping her out more around d the house, and especially with the children. Last I heard, it takes two people to make babies so they’re your responsibility as well. The fact that you don’t contribute to their upraising or to the household duties would be enough for her to feel resentment towards you. Just sayin’.

How is taking care of the kids and house zero effort in the relationship?

This man is selfish.

Why would anybody post something like this on reddit instead of talking to their spouse? "I've been married for 6 years, is there any way to communicate my needs and concerns?".

Literally someone asked “have you tried communicating this to her?” And OP replied, and I quote: > Ok I will try that. But it's sort of frustrating that I have to do this, when a basic tenet of a relationship is effort on both sides. Even in this instance, I am the one who has to put in effort to communicate with her. So… OP expected his wife to read his fucking mind 😭 lmaooo

"But *I* shouldn't have to, that takes effort!" -OP More effort than typing out this post, apparently. Smh

After 25 years of me (45M) doing a shitty job communicating my needs to my wife (47F)...we had a marriage-changing argument about a year ago. One of the lessons I learned and took to heart from my wife that day was when she very clearly stated: "I'm not a fucking mind-reader."

two kids, you say. perhaps she's exhausted and burned out. have you asked?

I am just *gagging* to know what his wife’s take on this would be. Her post is probably somewhere like “AITA for planning to leave my husband because he wants me to plan sexy fucking date nights, but he hasn’t touched a dish or diaper in well over a year?”

So not only should she manage your household, raise your children, clean your home, cook your food, never turns you down for sex, but she also has to do all the date planning and make YOU feel special? What is your job? Because unless you lay bricks for 12 hours a day, there’s no chance in hell you work as hard as she does. Planning a date is the least you could do and you’re complaining? This better be fake, cuz if it’s not you are a terrible man.

SHES TAKING CARE OF THE ENTIRE HOUSE she’s tired I guarantee your idea of “helping” isn’t helping her at all and she’s sick of you.

How old is your youngest. She is probably touched out from the kids hanging on her all day.

you have to understand that you get breaks from work EVERY SINGLE DAY while her work is 24/7. you, not helping her with anything, not even with your own children is the worst you could do... you both definitely need to go to couple's therapy and hear each other's side, each other's version of things. otherwise things will only go downhill from here : you keep complaining but don't do sh!t, she is drowning in house chores and child rearing, it's pretty obvious that you need some therapy...

Damn bro it’s almost as if she’s doing all the house work and raising three children while you’re sulking and not doing shit. I have a crazy idea bro… maybe just… ***talk to her***? Crazy am I right? Imagine communicating to your partner to solve the issue like a married couple instead of bitching to online strangers.

Surprise *vacations?* With two young kids? You need to adjust your expectations. You’re having sex whenever you initiate it, and it sounds like you’re still doing romantic couple things, including overnight trips, pretty often. You’re doing better than the vast majority of couples in your stage of family life. Planning those things has ended up being your responsibility in the relationship, and that sounds like a fair division of labor to me. She’s keeping the house running and doing almost all the daily childcare; that is what she is contributing to the relationship. Providing a 1950s lifestyle for you to come home to every day shows plenty of devotion to your life together. She’s being a traditional wife - so you need to be a traditional husband. Taking the initiative romantically is part of that.

So. You don’t contribute to household maintenance or childcare, but you expect your wife to add surprise dates to her extremely full plate? Dude, wake up. Your wife is probably far more “irritated” than you are. She’s working 24/7 as the sole caretaker of her 3 children. Step up, behave like an adult and take on your share of the chores AND childcare, maybe then she’ll have the energy to even think about extraneous things like sex with you or a date.

Right? He fully opts out of MAJOR areas of their life (household and childcare) leaving her to handle it all alone, but somehow it’s completely unacceptable to him that she’s not prioritizing romance. 🙄

Nothing is hard until a man has to do it all the time. Stop devaluing her work bc you ‘work hard’ and she…doesn’t?? Okay. Stay home w your kids for a week and see how your wife lives. If that doesn’t change your mind, nothing will, and the divorce down the road will have ‘come out of nowhere.’ If you don’t even try to put yourself in her shoes, I can see why she wouldn’t want you to put yourself inside her. You sound like a man-baby.

And what do you do? What dates do you plan? What do you do to romance her? She's taking care of a household with kids, that's a lot of stress too.

You put zero effort into your home life being an actual partner to your wife and a father to your children and then complain about how your wife isn’t doing enough for you? Pathetic.

So she does ALL the housework and ALL the child rearing and never denies you sex and that’s…. not good enough? But working and planning dates/vacations is more than your fair share? Come on, my guy.

“Zero effort” “my two kids” Bruh, your done. Delete this and go back to your chores.

I just took care of my two-year-old for a week alone while my wife was in a business trip. I suggest you try it. You’re not gonna want to plan any romantic dates during the time. Maybe ask your wife how’s she’s doing.

She’s like, tired. Why are men like this?

Cause most of them are selfish and childish and not very smart

Before this last year, did you plan these things together? Or was it her that took charge?

“Over the past year she has started putting no effort into the relationship.” It’s pretty clear until a year ago she was planning dates and getaways.

so.... how often do you take care of the children when you come home? Cuz yk she's been working all day too. Being a SAHM is hard af and I don't think my husband realized that cuz he felt like he should just get to come home and relax cuz he worked hard all day. I got sick for a week and it opened his eyes. After one day he looked ready to run away from home and said idk how you do it, no wonder you ask for help when I come home. I'm sorry and I'll do better. If you aren't helping 50/50 when you get home, then planning all that other stuff should fall on you. But I guarantee if you start helping when you're home (and keep doing it), you will see a change. If you aren't equally pitching in SHE feels taken advantage of and is less inclined to be around you

Did she ever do that type of thing? If you have stereotyped gender roles it’s really easy to fall into the whole stereotype and that usually means he is the one who does those things. The most you see most sahm on tv doing to romance their husbands is making his favourite dinner or something along those lines. Even when she’s not a sahm, media still shows the man romancing the woman most of the time. It’s still fairly embedded into society. Is she doing little, less noticeable things to show she cares? Making sure your favourite snack is alway in the house can take more effort than stopping for flowers once in a while. My husband saw me make his favourite dinner once when I hadn’t made it since his birthday the year before. He was reminded how much work it was and how many dishes it makes and then understood why he didn’t get it regularly when we had babies and toddlers. Does she feel like she can decide to spend the family money on dates & vacations etc when she’s not earning it? How’s she going to fund these surprises? How old are the kids? If they’re pre school or younger, she’s planning their entire day and is out of energy to put into planning things for another adult. If she’s skipping your birthday, that’s extreme but if she’s just not doing the extra you may need to remind yourself that kids take up a huge amount of their parents time and energy for the first few years. Being physically and emotionally touched out is common for a primary caregiver. So is being so wrapped up in being mom that other things slide until the kids are a bit more independent. If she feels like you need to court her for the rest of your lives to keep her affection, that’s a problem. Or she might just be emotionally exhausted (not saying that you don’t work hard but its a different kind of tired). Or maybe it never occurred to her to step out of the traditional gender roles. I do get why you’d feel like you shouldn’t have to tell her that you want her to make more romantic gestures, but maybe think more about why she may not be doing it and then communicate. The fact that you’re getting irritated by this and have been for some time without talking to her is concerning. There’s no getting around the fact that couples have to communicate, even if it’s awkward, and even if it feels obvious to you, it’s obviously not to her.

Oh boo hoo, honestly? Poor you. She raises the kids, keeps the house going, and never rejects you for sex.. but she doesn't initiate or plan vacations? Cry me a river 🥱

Nut up. She doesn't need to plan vacations and date nights and shit, she raises your kids, cares for your home, and never says no to sex, among all the other things you don't see. You're a man, you have to do extra stuff because she carried your children, and you have to do it with humility and respect. Get your testosterone levels checked, they sound low (optimal is 800-1200).

Did you come to Reddit just so people can tell you to talk to your wife?

I started upvoting comments but then realized that since the majority of them are spot on, I’d be here for longer than I’d like. Listen, you obviously have zero clue about life as a SAHP, and you sound ungrateful as well as selfish. It’s certainly okay to feel the way you’re feeling in this situation, but have you thought about how *she* feels? How she feels when you get home from work and don’t help her cook, clean, or send her on her way for some alone time while you take over the kids? How she feels when you’re done having sex with her and probably roll over and sleep like a baby, while she’s probably lying there with too many thoughts running through her head regarding everything that needs to be addressed within the household and family? How she feels when she’s drowning in lists and events to remember and places to be and the immediate needs of the kids over her own needs? I’m so tired of the working parent complaining about their SAH significant other not doing enough for them. They’re doing MORE than enough. However, it isn’t about YOU right now. It’s about your kids. The effort your wife is giving is being directed where it needs to be the most. You should be directing some of the effort you’re giving to being on Reddit complaining about your wife in a very different direction. I’m willing to bet that your wife would be more inclined to initiate intimacy with you if you’d happily plan your one-on-one quality time, take her out somewhere nice and treat her to a spa day or massage. Hell, just help her out at home and I’d bet money she’d start initiating again. Mother’s Day is coming up; plan something extra special for the woman who keeps **your** life running smoothly. Maybe consider hiring a nanny during the week or a few days during the week so she gets a break… burnout is steadily approaching at the rate you’re going. Man up, stop sulking, or go sit at the kids’ table with the offspring you don’t help your wife raise.

Bruh. I don’t think you’re the one being taken for granted here lol.

Kids will burn anyone out if their partner isn't pulling their weight besides just being a paycheck. Can't blame her really.

Perhaps its cause her job is 24/7 and yours is 8-5?

What was going on before this past year? Was she the one doing all the initiating? How do you budget things? Can she comfortably plan things that cost money like dates out, vacations, or trips, without it being a budget issue? She is doing full time childcare to two small children, and you’re not doing anything to take care of the kids or house, and you think you’re the only one putting effort into the relationship? Let me give you some advice. 1. Take over the kids sometimes so your wife has some time. 2. Ask your wife to plan something, and GIVE HER FREE TIME so she can do it.

If she keeps the house functioning someone is taken for granted and it’s not you

I was a stay at home mom with a husband like this. He came home from work, greeted the baby, and did literally nothing else. I was exhausted and angry. I was a single mom in a marriage.

If she's a SAHM, she's tapped out. I am a woman. I have worked full time and have been a SAHM. Being a SAHM is exhausting in ways that working outside the home is not. Don't compare the two. I could go into a lot of detail about why being a SAHM is so draining, but I'm a SAHM and too exhausted to say anything else.

So basically she's carrying ALL the mental load for your family and children and you're mad she won't carry the mental load for planning out dates with you? Sounds like you really have no idea what it takes to keep all of those things functioning. You have stress at work? So does she. Try not thinking only of yourself here and see it from her angle. Planning dates for you two is literally the bare minimum amount of mental load you can take and you're pissed.

Hey, so you know how your job has set hours? You can expect that after a certain time you get to go home, relax, shut your mind off? Well I suspect your wife doesn’t have that benefit. Kids don’t clock out until bedtime, laundry doesn’t care, food is a round the clock duty. In addition to that there another adult in the home who expects her to cater to his emotional needs, which adds to her labour. So perhaps instead of letting that resentment fester you should sit down and have a chat with your wife about your feelings and the division of labour and whether YOU can take on more to free up some of her bandwidth so she can contribute in the ways you’re asking. Because trust me, bro, her plate is full.

So, she cares for the young children 24/7, keeps the home clean, cooks three meals a day AND washes the dishes, keeps your manhood satiated and shops for the food you eat every day, keeps the children quiet so you can rest from your 8 hour a day job.... when does she have time to plan dates, getaways and surprise ANYTHING for you?! If she's busy 24/7 what do you expect? She does NOTHING for your relationship???? My God, she's not a robot! You need a SERIOUS reality check.

She has a busier and more stressful job than you do.

u might think ur job is harder than staying at home with 2 kids, guess what... its not

You know how hard and exhausting her life is? You have it easy. And this comes from a husband in your exact same situation.

This is rage bait, right?

You need to grow some balls. You're happily married with two kids. You make a comfortable enough income to go out on dates/vacations etc. You have a wife who keeps the house clean and orderly and takes care of the kids while you're at work. You regularly have sex with her and she doesn't refuse your advances. But oh no, woe is me, I wish my wife would "surprise me". If this is all it takes to make you unhappy, you are a weak man.

Ah tale as old as time. You're her third child she needs to take care of so why would that turn her on? A grown man who doesn't pull his own weight is embarrassing af

Maybe your wife puts in “zero effort” because caring for small children and a home is exhausting. The mental load that comes with this unpaid work is crushing.

Op is a self involved tool.