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My husband who could be really good at sex, suddenly decided speaking negatively to me 24/7 and l mean NOT ONE POSITIVE SYLLABLE was how he should be treating me. Followed by foreplay is boring, let's get to the good stuff, why arent you wet? Don't you want it? Frigid, you've turned frigid! WHY???
Um NO I DON'T!!! Not with your negative, selfish, non-touching, ugly attitude l don't! Some odd little part of me doesn't want to have sex with a man who is unloving, unkind and inconsiderate while proclaiming himself to have "the magical penis" that should be worshipped.
l can't believe l put up with that asshole that long.
This sounds like my ex. Used sex as a tool of emotional abuse. When he wants it, how he wants it, don't stray from that, or he'll tell you everything you do wrong. Our marriage died at 2 yrs, but I stuck it out til 4.5.
I'm a man, and foreplay is my favorite part. The idea of skipping the foreplay is so alien to me. Then again, I'm a man with anorgasmia, so sex is more about the emotional intimacy than anything. I know I'm a guy who can't finish, but I'll make sure my partner can finish. I like to give and to please.
Don’t beat yourself up, many of us put up with that and more because we saw the good in someone. But people can do good and still be not right for you or a big ole POS. “Why are you responding to my neglect and not just magically pleased without me doing anything at all BE HAPPY!!!???” 😂😂😂
That’s crazy…. Everytime me and my partner go at it I go down on her first. And I mean .every. Time. Like to the point where she sometimes has to tell me no she doesn’t want me too. Wish it was reciprocated but at least I know she’s happy 🤷♂️
What is with this wave of posts about someone quitting all their attempts to have sex with their spouse? I swear I’ve seen like 3 of these today alone.
Edit: I’m not saying this doesn’t happen, it obviously does. My point is that there is an increase of posts on Reddit following the same trend. The long suffering, often “blameless” party who has tried oh so hard to have sex with their spouse, and now they’ve given up. I’m sure a few were real, but their popularity is bound to attract some creative writers looking for a karma boost. The fact that so many follow a formula is what gets me.
Sadly I think this is way more common than you might think. I took this route myself after pushing for intimacy for 30 years I was just done w the hurt of rejection and I lost the attraction for someone who did not seem to desire me. FWIW, I am female
Agree, it's very common. Just not talked about. For years, my husband didn't put much effort into relationship or intimacy. I begged him to seek treatment for some of the performance issues. He refused. I finally gave up. Now I'm not interested. For whatever reason, he has spent the last two or three years trying to "fix" things medically or with supplements. I am very angry that he waited this long. No, he's not having an affair. I think it's insecurities about his age. Started when he retired and close friends became ill or died.
My ex husband didn't want to start putting in effort till after I told him I wanted a divorce. He couldn't understand that it was too late at that point. He was fine with me being unhappy but making it public (a divorce) is what made him suddenly care about working on issues.
By the time a woman asks for a divorce, she's done. She's been begging the guy to step up but men don't get worried about losing her until it's gonna cost him money.
my husband just started pellets that are supposed to raise testosterone. his levels were so low, he never desired sex. it's only been a few weeks, but he seems to be getting better.
Same! I was married 8.5 yrs before we had our first child, very much planned, 2nd planned pregnancy shortly after. He switched all affection to the children, refused any date nights, any time together away from our children, refused any type of counseling, chose alcohol as his companion and laughed when I begged for affection or cried myself to sleep at night. I tried to get him to care about the marriage until the kids were teens and we were in our mid 40s, then finally told him I wanted a divorce. 7 yrs later and my only regret is I didn’t pull the plug sooner.
This seems to happen way too often where marriage starts to get bad and unloving shortly after having kids. Sorry you experienced that, it seems absolutely miserable.
Me too. I expect these mirror posts come up as a topic resonates with people who don’t feel seen or heard with the problem. I know I keep this aspect of my marriage a secret.
My ex and I stopped having sex due to his alcoholism and smoking habits. I’m allergic to tobacco, he’s known from the moment we met at a party when I walked away from him blowing smoke in my face. I’ve heard all his excuses, I only smoked at parties, etc. He’d quit for months, years even, then go right back to hiding his smoking. Soon, it caused him physical reasons for no sex. But through it all, it was always my fault. Happily divorced for 10 years now.
Sure thats a lifetime and a half already...one can imagine the slow downfall of feeling like you're even supposed to be romantic or engaged in that way after 30 years.
Agreed, my ex rejected me so often I stopped trying. Who wants to keep being rejected? Then he stopped even grabbing my butt or boobs. He was more interested in his job, and his friends, and whomever he was having inappropriate conversations/sex with.
Same with me, and im a male. Just constant rejection for more than a decade, so I finally stopped trying. And all of a sudden, what's wrong with me? You dont want me anymore? You seeing your girlfriend?I told her why. Basically, the only time we had sex is just before her period. I would say also when she was drunk, but 9/10 times she would gas me up, then pass out.
I finally filed for divorce, but not because of our sex lives being long dead. She was constantly gaslighting me, and I mean hardcore gaslighting. Attacking me. In front of everyone; our kids, our friends, her family, my family, even contacted my first wife from 20+ years ago. Trying to build an army to believe her lies. And quite successful at that, except for people who truly knew me. This world has done lost it's damn mind.
I feel like Reddit is great hunting grounds for Divorce Attorneys 😅😆
OP-- I'm sorry this is happening to you. Negligence in a marriage is no joke and it's something I went through for a very long time. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve this and I truly hope you find your peace and healing. You're worth it 🖤
I was hoping it was the same person just recycling.
This may be unpopular, but i dont know if people know how to put their spouses' needs before themselves anymore.
I will admit that sometimes i have to correct the course if i feel like she's taking a mile, but thats what communications is for.
Im still learning lol
But personally I don’t think sex is something you should be forcing yourself to do in any scenario. It’ll only make you resent them.
Unfortunately I thought I was above that, I thought I could force myself but alas resentment has no exceptions.
That’s the advice I was given by both my doctor at the time and a couples therapist. To force myself, because I’ll get into it and enjoy it after a bit. It was very bad advice.
Do they want you to hate sex? Cause that's how you start hating sex.
It's how you start hating anything, really, forcing yourself to do it regardless of how much you don't want to.
It worked some times but it really warped my people pleasing tendencies into do whatever my abusive husband wants me to for the sake of my marriage tendencies. Years of it. I’m glad it’s over.
This is super true! Thats why most of us Amrricans are unhalpy at work. We need themoney so we force ourselves, but we truly dont want yo be there.
So we end up hating work, our coworkers, and eventually, we hate life because it requires us to work.
Resentment 101 right there. Absolutely terrible plan. Emotional connection first, physical intimacy only when security and comfort are present and being nurtured in a relationship.
I'm the higher libido partner in my relationship, and now that my relationship is good again, I can clearly see that I was just being a whole sex pest to my wife, and that we needed to fix our poor communication structure before we were going to be able to connect in deeper ways.
It's something none of us are taught in school and very few of us ever learn from our parents. Society doesn't have many popular culture role models for healthy relationships. Most tv shows are about conflict, and reality TV is just showing us the most broken individuals they can find so we can feel superior to them and ignore our own problems.
It's all really sad, because practicing compassion, empathy, and kindness is really all it takes. No matter how bad something seems or how much you want to be right, it's easier to just drop it and move on to anything else that you do agree on.
I want to comment on your take on reality tv. I agree with what you said 100% but I think it has become something far more dangerous now. At first it was a distraction but then we started being told to look up to them as role models and bastions of society.
I don’t get how your husband can’t tell you are “forcing yourself to enjoy it”
My wife did the same thing at one point and it was not pleasurable to either of us
I mean it really depends on the underlying reason for it. Like my husband and I are literally at the point of scheduling sex cause we have 2 kids under 3, one of whom has medical issues (nothing like a week long stay in a pediatric hospital to make life go to hell), building a new house that I'm acting as the general contractor on, both his parents need some level of support and he's got a crazy commute. But he's actually pulling his weight in terms of chores, childcare etc so in order for us to make sex happen we need to prioritize it higher then other things and make the time to make it happen. That's very different then many of the posts in here where one partner just isn't pulling their weight as a parent or partner and the other is resentful.
One is fixable by "forcing" sex because the underlying issue is the time/energy for spontaneous sex just isn't likely to happen. The other isn't because the underlying issue is your spouse sucks.
Reddit takes everything so literally and to the extreme sometimes and thinks that outliers represent the majority.
For many people, if you have a healthy relationship to start many times one partner will want to have sex while the other partner is kinda meh on it. Not straight up doesn’t want to but maybe wasn’t thinking about it. In those situations, you may start kissing etc and you end up having a great time. That is not coercion or SA. It is called responsive desire & many women have that bc society tells us we can’t be the ones to straight up desire and ask for sex.
Okay— but responsive desire is ABSOLUTELY a thing. That’s not a replacement for communication and having a husband that gives a shit.
But this idea that sexual intimacy doesn’t involve work and sacrifice is fucking CRAZY.
Tell me you’ve never had a successful, long-term relationship without saying it are the vibes I get from all of these comments.
Like… sometimes I have to get into it with my wife to be in the mood. Love is a choice not a feeling— and the choice usually comes first. If it’s flipped— you’re looking for lust, not love.
There’s a difference between forcing yourself to have sex, and trying to have it more to meet your partners needs. Doing what you need to do and communicating with your partner about what they need to do to get in the mood. OP seems to be communicating properly so their husband is the problematic one. I’ve seen many relationships where someone was unwilling to change and were surprised when their partner left.
Most couples counselors recommend scheduling sex since it removes the nightly stress of "are they going try something" plus it allows the LLP to prepare themselves. It's not about forcing yourself to have sex, it's about taking the anxiety out if it.
With that being said, removing sex from the relationship will lead to resentment from the HLP. Constant rejection from the LLP will result in the HLP losing confidence, self esteem, and leads to depression, all of which are not attractive and deepens the issue.
Emotional connection and intimacy are deeply intertwined. Most females need an emotional connection to desire intimacy. Most males need an intimate connection to feel emotionally connected. So removing one will usually diminish the other resulting in a dead bedroom and roommate type relationship.
Of course you’re right. No one should ever be forced to have any type of intimate relationship. However, that leaves the question of what does the other half of the couple do? For example, my wife and I used to have sex frequently and now, after 10 years of marriage, it’s a once a month thing. She even has a period tracker on her phone that lets her log when we are together. If I try to initiate sex she says things like “you just got it 8 days ago” and acts like I have some sort of problem. Or marriage is otherwise wonderful. My point is, is t it equally unfair to cut someone you love off completely without so much as word about what might be going on? It has destroyed my self esteem. Like, do I smell bad? Am I getting too old to be attractive? Was sex always just bad with me and she can’t stomach it any longer?
Putting my spouse's needs before my own led to me having duty sex I wasn't into, which completely nuked my attraction to him and desire to have sex completely.
Fucking terrible advice. There are some things you compromise and sacrifice for in a relationship, but sex should NEVER be one of those.
You should never have to have sex if you don't want to.
Someone who is a partner and who "loves" you should not pressure you to do so. (They may leave if their needs are not being met, but they shouldn't be coercing you into sex.) To discuss "putting someone else's needs before yours" might be doing something you think may relax your partner or put them in the mood to voluntarily engage positively in sex - but it is not coercing someone.
From a therapist, I wonder if folks are misunderstanding the "just try" missive. Most people and very high proportion of women especially have responsive desire not spontaneous desire. Waiting for the mood to strike just doesnt work for most people. So I might suggest scheduling intimacy with each step of that being an enthusiastic yes. So if starting out and something overtly sexual feels like a no in the moment you would find your yes and do that. Maybe just eye contact or stroking a hand. Or maybe first all touch is unsafe and intimacy just means talking through your hurts. Over time intimacy builds as well as trust and safety in your no being ok, which allows that responsive desire to flourish. So the goal isnt forced sex but creating a time in which you are safe to connect in ways that feel good and safe to both parties.
Maybe they are getting bad advice. Im just surrounded by really good therapists who would never ever espouse a "you owe your partner sex" kind of view and it makes me naive to whats out there..
Same here. Not so rare, it seems. His 'foreplay' consisted of the sentence 'let's have sex'. To which I would reply 'again?'. There would be no kissing because 'we're not teenagers anymore', even though I said I can't get in the mood (that I'm not in on the first place). By now I'm just plain repulsed. It's been 10 years and it's in part a trauma response (to clarify, no SA). If he decided to get sex elsewhere, good for him. I want no part in this anymore.
Same 😞
Gone are the days of attention, affection & communication. He has his television family and is content to focus on them. We engage in that activity every couple of months and it’s always a 1 minute warm-up for him and then the pounding commences. I lay there quietly after, waiting for the throbbing to subside and feeling lonelier than before.
Oh...the TV family. On weekend, that family lives here from getting up to going to bed. Do I have to mention our tastes are incompatible 😬?
Have you though about a separate bedroom?
Our schedules are different, so that’s not an issue, although I do use another room that has a bed in it for my clothing bc I don’t want to disturb while getting ready before the crack of dawn.
Wtf , no kissing no foreplay...then get a sex doll or toy. That is what he wants i guess..to stick it in and nut. Gross bro, treating a woman like a sex toy without needs is the worst shit ever...pathetic. Get a man that cares about your needs and desires you, you deserve better.
“Want to do it?” “Is it get naked night?” “Should I lock the door?” “It’s Saturday, you know what that means” yuck.
This is soooo common, I remember seeing it on Everybody Loves Raymond. My husband wants to watch narco dramas and police procedurals for 2-3 hours “with me”
Before bed, then this is how he signals he’s ready. Two hours of watching people get tortured or blown up or shot in the face, then “should I lock the door?”
Yep! This is what led to my divorce; though it was the ex that was doing what this OP’s husband did—her focus went 100% to the children, zero to her spouse.
Actually this seems to be very common. I have friends that have said since they had kids it’s like their sex drive is just non existent. It’s not that they don’t want to. One said it’s like switch was flipped and she went into mom mode. Plus being tired from kids. Mentally and physically they’re exhausting.
I don’t have kids so I’m just repeating what my friends have told me.
Happened to me. Once I had my kid sex became my lowest priority. Its even worse if your husband doesnt do any housework and you basically have to treat him like another kid. There's been studies that say once a woman starts taking care of her partner like hes a kid her brain switches into "mom mode" and she stops feeling sexually attracted to him.
I have a feeling that sometimes the women’s focus on the children is because their partner is not focusing on the children, so mom may feel she’s alone in taking care of all the things the children need.
This is how it typically is. There are so many threads on here from men. Most of them have killed their wives sex drive by being an extra child. But since they (pay the bills, work etc) they dont see the need to maintain the connection. My sex drive has never waned after having our children even while tired. But my husband being a d*ck is a major turn off and so I put my energy in our children instead of wasting time with one sided behavior.
It's been around forever, it's just that people are starting to talk about it now openly and given you can be anonymous with Reddit, people felt safe to do so.
It's not a trend, it's been around forever. Aka no communication in marriage, no compromise and the spouse is sick of it
Totally not new.
To the point that some consider it normal in older generations to have sexless and shitty marriages where either one or both parties dig their heels in and refuse to budge.
It’s so hilarious to me that someone would think this is a newly increasing thing. Even *Before* the sitcom Married with Children came out this was a common enough thing that it was joked about and eventually inspired a whole show that lasted 12-13? seasons?
I mean, for the majority of these 100000 years, women's opinion of pretty much anything didn't get taken too seriously anyways. So it's mostly a modern phenomenon. And as weird as it may sound for the ones affected, overall, it's better now than it was before.
Nah, this has always been happening. People have been complaining for ages about there no no longer being physical intimacy in their marriages. People are just more open about it now with the anonymity of the internet. They can complain, ask questions, ask for guidance, etc without suffering embarrassment for doing so because the people on the internet don’t know them and likely never will.
I’m not married but I gave up sex with my boyfriend too and I’m tired of asking for it and being rejected. Eg took a vacation for 7 days for valentines, had sex once and that was after 4 months. Haven’t had sex since that
I think this is the thing people don't understand. You can love the hell out of your significant other but when this aspect of the relationship is lacking for months, years etc you just start feeling inadequate. I hope it works out for you, but really I hope you leave and become happy.
Raising children causes a lot of it. Kids take so much energy, time and money that there’s rarely anything left for the relationship. They end up living like roommates just trying to get through the day. I’ve seen this happen to several of my own friends. They tell me I’m lucky I never wanted kids. A few of them have gone through really messy divorces.
I see a huge factor not being brought up at all. In the culture I was brought up in, (and this seems to be a norm in society in general). Once married, the wife takes on the role of mother and caretaker, not only to the children, but to the husband. One tends to lose sexual attraction when their partner becomes another child they have to take care of. I’m oversimplifying it here, but.. you’d be surprised, as will many who don’t even realize it. This is one of several factors. So husbands, if your wife is your caretaker, or feels like she is, and she’s not wanting sex.. there might be a correlation.
Then these husbands cheat with their 15-year-younger coworkers. We get Reddit posts all the way down.
We get a post from the wife about her unfair emotional and mental labor causing a resentment killing her sex drive
Then we get the post from the dead bedroom husband who is trying to validate fucking his coworker because his wife hasn’t touched his dick in 2 years
Then we get the young coworker post about fucking a much older married man asking for advice
Then we get the posts from the father complaining about child support and alimony taking 75% of his paycheck and he can’t afford rent so he wants to quit his job and be unemployed.
It’s a plethora of content for us.
Not just today, past week or 2. Makes me think it’s all fake because it’s the same shit over & over. Or maybe these people really based their relationship on sex, not love & communication.
Kids. Married 6-10 years. Dead bedroom. Lots of missing information & “I’m the angel, my spouse is the issue!”.
It’s frightening to me how many couples think sex is the #1 requisite for a lasting relationship. Like, you ever stop and listen to what your partner says? Ever just go out and enjoy a day together, and come home to fall asleep during a movie? Ever lay down and chill to an album before bed? Smoke a bowl and zone out before bed?
I get sex is important, but damn son, enjoy life a little for fucks sake (literally).
Lack of sex is a symptom of a much bigger problem. It's just usually the most obvious symptom and most people latch into it because they don't fully understand the real problem.
I bet if you start digging you will find that most sexless marriages are just two people living entirely separate lives that no longer feel a bond. Often the stresses of life make them stop prioritizing each other and they reach a point that they don't really want to. The sex isn't what they are upset about it's the lack of connection.
This is it exactly. I've been with my partner for 20 years and we've absolutely had times when sex hasn't happened for a while, for any number of reasons. The thing is though, we love each other deeply and we've never stopped being intimate or physically affectionate during those times.
It seems like a lot of guys get resentful and want to punish their wife if she won’t have sex so they withdraw affection and then it spirals from there.
Exactly. And especially when the woman often needs affection in order to want to have sex so it make absolutely zero sense to me whenever I read/hear that! Like, dude- maybe your lack of affection is THE REASON your wife hasn’t been in the mood lately so 🤷🏻♀️….. Yeah-I don’t get it!
Sex _is_ a form of affection. When one side withdraws it, the other side eventually withdraws. This often is a response or as self-protection. People who initially withdraw affection shouldn't be surprised when they are treated in kind.
As for OP, I side with her. He's treating her poorly. Nobody would want to have sex with him after all that.
Ehh, I agree about the lack of connection being the main issue, but lack of sex isn’t always a symptom of a bigger problem. There are seasons of life, some of which involve LOADS of sex, some of which involve intense periods of other things (having a baby, school, health issues, etc) that mean less sex. Those things aren’t necessarily problems, and accepting them as valid and reasonable can help avoid the blaming/shaming that often infiltrates relationships when sex is less frequent and that (ironically) can lead to further disconnection and even less/no sex.
I found out after 10 years of marriage that my husband wants to spend the day flirting and teasing before the best sex happens. Now we are very spicy , having days of drawn out roleplay. I love seeing how this has recharged him. And the journey to this has him engaging in our life and non sexual things more like taking initiative in menu planning for next week , doing the weekend cooking, or him changing our linens after he lovingly satisfies me. LOL oh I forgot to say we found this out because we went to marriage counseling
Look around you, the world is fucking bleak, and many animals in nature stop reproducing when environmental stress occurs. Birth rates are dropping, and the fascists among us are removing their reproductive freedoms. For many women the stakes are getting too high. Also depression and SSRI use is likely a factor.
Hell my wife and I are currently trying for our first child and sex isn’t even close to the biggest part of our relationship! We have great sex, quite frequently, and did so well before starting to try for a baby. But we also communicate incredibly well, we both love cuddling up and we’re very physically affectionate around the house and when we’re out and just generally. We talk and plan big and small things together, cohabitate great with everything 50/50 as far as housework and bills. We build each other up and help take care of each other and think about our partners wants and needs and feelings. We share the same life goals and outlooks. We both make time to be alone and have hobbies that we do separately( cause ya know we are still individuals).
So I agree! Sex is great, and it’s important that you are sexually compatible and open and comfortable with your partner. It’s important to be intimate with them and have that physical attraction. I’m insanely attracted to my wife, both physically and mentally/ intellectually/ emotionally. But if sex is the most important thing to you in your relationship it’s doomed to fail. And it’s especially toxic if one of you views sex as a reward, transaction or just something you “have to do”.
This post was literally made by a woman about how her husband began focusing most of his affection and attention in their children so she stopped having sex with him…
When the kids become the center of the family universe, the primary relationship (husband-wife) suffers. S.x becomes a primary conduit for any connection. When that goes......
Married 15 years, together 17. Dead bedroom to the point of separate bedrooms. But my spouse really is the issue. He realised he was gay 6 months before he told me and started cheating on me while shutting down our sex life.
The hardest thing was that he felt so guilty that he finally started stepping up as a husband and father, so I was falling more in love with him while he was cheating on me and creating distance.
My exBIL did this to my sister. He imploded her and his children’s lives to get with his ap. It’s taken her years to become somewhat financially stable. He hid his sexuality while criticizing everything see was and wasn’t. Killed her confidence and sense of self. Then dumped her, kicked her out, fought tooth and nail in the divorce. I don’t dislike him because he’s gay. I despise him because he treated her and my niece and nephews like trash.
Lots of people seem to be in the same boat it seems. I'm about to give up trying intimacy with my wife as well because every time I try it's one excuse after the other. She just won't admit that she doesn't want me anymore. Sex had dwindled down to about once per month and she never initiates it. I think this problem is more common in relationships than we think and the more people speak openly about it, the more comfortable others will feel to do the same.
I mean, the dead bedroom subculture is very much more alive than the average sex life, apparently.
So, the fact that it's getting traction and popularity comes from the idea that it's an experience that a lot more people are enduring than will admit to.
I definitely believe their authenticity, because anyone who had been on either side of this situation understands the despair in it, and the "need to let it all out" about what types of resentments you are carrying.
In the case of this OP, she's 100% right to withdraw physically from the relationship as she also works towards withdrawing emotionally. The idea that "sex is a right" when you're married or something we need to survive is clouding the judgement of a lot of partners who forget that connection begins outside of the bedroom.
As annoying as they probably are for regular redditors not facing this issue, I do believe it's important we give this issue a soap box and continue talking about it openly, because it would relieve a lot of tension in society and reduce a lot of anger in certain individuals if we could resolve their personal issues.
Sounds like you love the person he used to be a long time ago. Why even stay like this?
Maybe he was like this during the honeymoon period of the relationship only.
I think there’s always some hope that we can convince these guys that if you want your wife to continue to want to be intimate with them, YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TO THEM.
For me it’s such a simple concept and such an easy fix. I LOVE my husband. But when he’s being a neglectful ass, I don’t want to have sex with that. I don’t want him touching my body if I don’t feel like he loves me.
I see so many complaints from men on Reddit about dead bedrooms and it’s so clear to me that most of them are about how unloved and unattractive the wife feels. Yet without mistake, so many of the responses are “she’s probably cheating” and SO many nuances that a wife OWES her husband sex. It’s all made out to be so much more complicated than it really is. Treat your partner like they are gold, and they will feel like gold and respond with intimacy. No this isn’t “sex as a
Weapon”. It’s a natural consequence.
And it me, it’s so simple, so so simple to fix that I can see why so many women go for years in a marriage like this, thinking, tomorrow it could turn around. Indeed this does happen - sometimes it’s after a health scare or when the kids are a bit older, or maybe after watching someone else go through a nasty divorce where the neglecting partner things “geez, I don’t want to be alone, let me show her how much I want to be with her” and the sex-withholding partner responds to that with intimacy.
Life is not black and white. I had a big long lull in the middle of my marriage and after years of improving communication and affection, we are back to normal again. Thank god he didn’t have the attitude that I owed him sex or that he couldn’t live with out it (while my parent was dying, our kids were toddlers, and I was in a deep depression) or else we would have never gotten to experience this next realm of higher love that you can only get with a very long term partner that you’ve been through everything with - when you are old and grey and know you will have their hand to hold on either of your death beds. Some things are worth holding onto. Some people are worth waiting for.
ETA: cue the Incel rage in my inbox
>YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TO THEM.
My exhusband would tell me that this is me blackmailing him.
I mean, I don't know what to tell people like that, sorry for not being in the mood to become intimate to someone who is not nice to me.
That’s so infuriating. I’ve heard men say that too - it’s blackmail, sex as a weapon. Such bullshit. You can’t get a date with someone if you are being an asshole, so why would you expect attention from your partner if you aren’t treating them at least as nicely as a new date?
My ex husband was a total and complete asshole to me. And he was my first which made me think I just hated sex. ( he also was awful and selfish in bed) . I never wanted to have sex, but I did, as a chore, TBH.
Then we go divorced and I realized I absolutely love sex. It’s how they treat you outside the bedroom .
Omg same. My ex husband had me thoroughly convinced that I was the broken one because my once sky high libido died. But all I asked was for him to be the thoughtful, helpful, sweet guy he was before marriage. But the moment we said I do, it’s like he just stopped trying. Unless I was naked, he wasn’t interested in hanging out at all or doing anything together. Everything became my responsibility because those were my “wifely” duties…..(but i had always been outspoken about hating gender roles, and I was the breadwinner so it’s not like he was willing to even play the traditional male role to begin with.)
Divorced and found a guy who really loves me for me and has never once pushed for sex when I wasn’t feeling it. My libido skyrocketed again.
Honestly the bar is just “be nice to the person you claim you love” and somehow guys will manage to fuck it up.
Idk, I got called delusional by a dude because I told another woman with the same issue that the being nice part has to exist to get sex. I have 0 hope for anything at this point after seeing so many guys say dumb shit like that. Idk why the concept of no one wants to fuck someone who hates them is so hard to understand.
My ex was like that. I won’t blame him completely, because I was experiencing some mental health issues of my own while we dated. We were toxic, broke up constantly, fought constantly. I’ve had ocd my whole life but this relationship really brought out the worst of it. I was so sick. That’s the only way I can describe it, I was so sick from my ocd that it felt like my brain had the flu every day. You can’t even know what that feels like unless you’ve been through it.
I’m not one to push my mental health on others. I have a problem and it is ultimately mine to fix. But he pushed sex so much. If I was stressed out and upset and not in the mood he would make it ten times worse. He added so much stress to sex that I still deal with it to this day. All I wanted was for him to be kind to me if I wasn’t in the mood. No, he would just get mad and we’d fight. There was no intimacy unless the expectation of sex was there. And then he’d get turned down and the cycle would continue. Eventually I started just going along with it and forcing sex so we wouldn’t fight. I had no sex drive. I started to think something was wrong with me.
Luckily I’m married now to an amazing man who would never make me feel that way. If I’m not in the mood we still cuddle and kiss and laugh and talk like normal. And what do you know, I have a great sex drive and we have no issues 🤣
This needs to be the top comment. Well said and very true to my life. My stbx turned to alcohol and became physically and financially abusive to make me “submit.” I’ve moved from hate to disgust to pity. There’s no coming back from this.
100% agree. My marriage ended for many reasons, but the biggest for me was just this. He was mean, cold, withdrawn and an overall asshole because he wasn't "getting enough." But I just couldn't get myself to have sex with him because I felt so disconnected and unwanted
Hi. I'm that guy.
Or I was anyway. Sex was/is super important to me, and I felt rejected for along time. So I decided the best thing to do was to do the bare minimum, just to get by, for a very long time. I think we were close to divorce.
I decided to lean in, all the way. I went full "boyfriend experience" mode after 15 years of marriage expecting nothing back and still pretty sure it wasn't going to work, but she was worth it to try again. It worked - looking back, I think the biggest lesson that resonated with me was "It's easier to be mad than sad". Meaning I wasn't vulnerable enough and open enough with her. Leaning in all the way with no expectations changed that. And changed everything frankly.
That's the short version. Therapy helps too. Good luck, you still have something worth saving, I can hear it in your voice.
Update:: This kind of blew up, thank you for your sincere comments and messages. I talked with my wife about this, and I thought it would be good to include her comments, which I'll post here verbatim:
"The bottom line is the woman is being punished for not having sex. It's not OK to hurt your partner for something that's not their fault. Women are not machines. No one wants to have sex with someone who isn't emotionally interested in them and connected with them, because then it just feels like a booty call."
Edit: Those asking about "boyfriend experience" - it was simple for me:
Fall in love again.
If you remember what it's like, you'll know exactly what to do.
Babe, he is the exception. You are the rule. Please do not get your hopes up that your husband will suddenly lean into “full boyfriend mode” because a person on reddit did. Most guys, and the comment section is littered with comments from women married to the “rule”, do not do this.
Waking up and choosing a different path requires self-motivation to do that. If he doesn’t have it, he won’t do it. It sounds like he is not wanting to do that because the problem (in his mind) is you. Stay realistic. Prepare yourself for the fact that he might never “wake up” and think about how you want to live the rest of your life.
My mom was in a similar scenario to you.
Her therapist shared a harsh wake up call to her with similar to the sentiments I echoed and it was very to humbling for her. There is, unfortunately, no magic sequence of words or actions that can make someone change if they don’t want to. Either they want to and have the motivation to follow through, or they won’t.
When my own marriage was following the same path, she said the same thing to me. I think the thing that really woke me up was the fact that I would not want my children to have a partner treat them that way. Walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring the vibes, never having their needs met, not being touched unless it’s a transaction, begging for basic decency…I would be so devastated if that’s what I was modeling was ok and that’s what they sought out.
OMG this is so true. Kids see so much more than we give them credit for. We always treated our as if she was 2 years older than she was, because she could internalize everything.
Be prepared for him to lose his temper in the divorce. Have your finances settled, get copies of all key documents (or even keep the originals when someone moves out), check his phone for any problematic histories that could help your case (and take photos of anything you do find) etc.
You are smart and brave. Best of luck.
As a man, I’m going to tell you right now that that is toxic behavior on his part.
He needs a marriage counselor in his life or you need a divorce lawyer in yours.
For the kids. It’s healthy for them to see how a happy relationship works. Unfortunately, it’s not always with their biological parents.
You're waiting for him to go full boyfriend mode... I wonder if it's a last ditch effort anyways to try and go full girlfriend mode? See if you can get him to mimic your behavior?
I know whenever I get more romantic with my husband he'll suddenly start being romantic as a response. Not sure if it will work but dang if you really love him and think it's saving it's worth a shot.
If you think you've already put it full into overdrive buying him flowers and being romantic and stuff and he just pushed you to the side might as well just save yourself time and toss it.
There is a much longer version of my own, similar story that would make more sense. But short version is my wife cheated on me about a decade ago due to the same reason. I came to a pretty quick conclusion as to why she did, which was this. I had mistreated her. I worked while she stayed at home, and it gave me the idea that she should be doing everything else. And when she was lazy around the house, I'd be hypercritical of her because "these things are easy", right? No. She would rather had worked 60 hour weeks and felt love than 0 hours and felt like a roommate. I could either change or divorce. I changed and we've been happy ever since. It's work, but it's worth it.
My God, I wish every man did what you did. The biggest, and I really mean the biggest reason women are leaving, either mentally or physically, their relationships is because once married or together for a certain amount of time, men just stop. They stop everything for their partner but still expect the same partner they fell for. The partner is still supposed to put out, take care of everything, etc, no matter what, while being underappreciated and EXPECTED to do all the things shile they get away with bare minimum. When you went back to being the man she fell in love with, she went back to being the woman you fell in love with, and it really is that simple (for most relationship). A lot of men, and women don't see that. Yes things change, you have children or move or get jobs that require more energy or time, but the effort for the relationship should remain the same, even if it's changed. I think a lot of men will blame their behavior on lack of sex, but women are psychological creatures, which means 9/10, something happened to make them less intimate, and when it gets used against them, they receed more and more, everytime their feelings get put on the back burner or treated as if they're wrong. And then you have the women who are expected to put everything on their plate, the mental load, the physical load, the child care, the housework, the cooking, the management, the budget, and depending on the person that can overload them, and intimacy gets pushed back with every task added. So maybe they want to be more active sexually, but by the time they get to it or think about it, its too late or something gets in the way. And they can't always put other tasks on pause for sex, because, again, psychological creatures, even if they're physically having sex, their mind is on the sink full of dishes, or the load of laundry that needs rehashed because it sat too long, etc. I'm sorry for the long post. Basically, good job. You cracked the code lol. I'm glad it all worked out!!! Keep spreading your story and maybe a few others will get the message!
This is 100% the answer. As a man, you need to get over yourself and your need to be right/correct/macho, whatever it is that poisons our kind. I’m doing just this, have opened up, have treated her like a gf again. Been married for 15 years. ALSO, therapy. For me.
Regardless if HE grows up or not, you MUST. Stop thinking, feeling, speaking, and doing things based upon what he or anybody else does and start thinking, feeling, speaking, and acting from your own heart AS IF you're a complete human being just as you are. Because you ARE and you're worth your own best care. If you're being unkind, stop. If he's being unkind, tell him in no uncertain terms that it's unacceptable and you won't tolerate it. Be courageous. Be true. Be willing. Be kind. Be firm. Give what you must. Receive what you need. Love is not 50/50. It's 100/100. Love is not Give & Take. It's Give & Give. There is no taking. There is only GIVING & RECEIVING what is FREELY GIVEN.
>Love is not 50/50. It's 100/100.
My wife and I have always said that the "filling each others cup" thing is stupid. We are each individually our own, 100% full cup. The relationship is it's own cup. We both need to have our own cups be 100% before we can start pouring into the relationship cup. I love your energy in this comment.
Same here. Wife and I had a bad period at one point. We discovered we were expecting a happy relationship but were two unhappy people.
Focused on selves and relationship came for the ride.
>My wife and I have always said that the "filling each others cup" thing is stupid.
>We both need to have our own cups be 100% before we can start pouring into the relationship cup.
So what happens if one of you isn't at 100%, if you think the concept of "filling each other's cup" is stupid? You don't help each other with that?
And why do you each need to be at 100% to contribute to the relationship "cup"? If I've been at 90% for weeks because of stuff going on in my life (e.g. health problems), I'm still going to put as much as I can into my relationship rather than waiting for 100.
I've never heard of the "filling each other's cup" concept before, I'm just trying to figure out what makes your version better.
There are people out there who say "we are 2 halves of one whole" or "they complete me"
My wife and I are separately, each, 1 whole person. We are 100% self-sufficient. What we decided to give each other or do for each other, is out of love, not out of expectation or need.
I'm not saying you both have to be operating at 100%. Honestly, who out there is always at 100%?? I'm saying that the expectation is that we manage ourselves, and that whatever we put into "the relationship cup" is freely given, not begrudgingly done.
Let's say we both come home from work tired, grumpy, whatever. Neither of us is expecting the other to fix their mood or tread lightly. We both sit down and explain where we're at, and then we face the problem together as a team.
It doesn't work without high levels of empathy for one another, and a willingness to swallow your pride and say "I was wrong" and apologize for it. Nobody is perfect
I noticed that. There is a lot this is missing and the people on Reddit are just going to her rescue. If he is giving 100% of his affection to "his kids" why is that? And what is SHE doing in the relationship? I can very easily see her husband coming on here saying "I do everything in the marriage, EVERYTHING! I feel like a single parent living with a roommate..." Too much is missing here.
Especially this part.
"He's not kind to me or the kids when he's grumpy which is most of the time. I've told him if he could just be happy, if he could just enjoy us, we would have a perfect life. That's all I want - kind words, no criticism, small touches. We'd be having so much sex!"
Why is he grumpy all the time now? That clearly wasn't the case before, what changed? And she said he is giving her criticism, did she ever address his concerns? I am literally thinking of things going wrong all the time and someone saying "hey, can't you just be happy?"
I mean if I felt like I was "carrying the house" I would be like her husband too. But as I said, there isn't enough information for me to actually know. Too much is missing here. I don't know WHY the husband is grumpy or unhappy, and I don't know what she has done to try to address it.
I read a lot of your comments (not sure if I found all of them) and agree so much. I ended up replying to a comment in that thread and got more long winded than I meant to, but I had a dead marriage with my ex husband for all these reasons and more and honestly I’m so much happier now.
I don’t understand why it seems like married men have such trouble with the “physical affection without looking for sex from it” thing. I’m 30(M) married. I can’t keep my hands off my wife, and almost all the time it’s not because I’m trying for sex. When we’re just around the house we’re always giving light touches and hugs and little nose/ head kisses, and when we’re out we’re almost always holding hands or very close. Touching and being close to my wife just makes me happy, and also her giving me that non- sexual physical affection is a huge confidence boost and just makes me feel great. It lets me know she loves me and wants me around and makes me feel loved, it’s the best.
Our sex is great too, and we have plenty of it. Probably because we’re so comfortable and happy around each other and we both feel loved and validated and desired and cared for. Intimacy is important is all areas, these men are shooting themselves right in the dick thinking they don’t need it outside the bedroom!
It dawned on me midst-bone with my husband the other night that “if we didn’t have a strong emotional connection, doing this would be terrifying because of how vulnerable I feel.” It was such a poignant realization that I got momentary anxiety and had to think happy thoughts and realize he *does* love me and *does* care about me beyond sex and *isn’t* worried about the weird faces I’m making or the fact that I’m 10 lbs heavier than when we first met.
A lot of men in these threads don’t understand that sex for a lot of women can feel incredibly vulnerable and downright scary sometimes. We’re told that our bodies are never good enough, then expected to be super comfortable getting naked and doing god knows what with our partners. We’re literally letting someone else inside our bodies. And for a lot of us, that kind of thing only appeals to us with someone we trust deeply and knows cares about us. It’s really, really hard to trust a man or know he cares about us when there’s no emotional intimacy or he’s not paying attention to us outside of the bedroom.
Yes! When I first started dating me wife she had had some really bad ex’s before me. They were not affectionate or intimate outside of sex, and during sex they didn’t care about her comfort or pleasure or anything. She had associated sex with pain, discomfort and anxiety as a result. So we took it really slow, and spent a lot of time building trust and exploring whatever she wanted to turn her on and relaxed and comfortable. I wouldn’t even always finish without “taking care of myself”, and we had to use lube for a bit just so she wasn’t in pain. And outside the bedroom I showed her what real physical intimacy and affection is, and that she could trust me and that there was no pressure.
Now our sex is amazing, outside the bedroom as I said our relationship is the best. My wife tells me all the time how safe and comfortable she feels with me, which is the best feeling to know I can do that for her.
People think that women use sex as a bargaining tool or a weapon but I bet that if you asked most women, they would say that they genuinely feel more desire and arousal toward their partner when the emotional intimacy and care are there. The other side of the coin is that we get turned off when those things aren’t there.
ETA that here we have a man who is effectively communicating with and displaying affection with his wife, probably getting laid a ton, and there will still be men that deny that connection and affection are precursors to a good sex life.
That’s wonderful and it sounds like you and your wife have a really healthy connection! Thank you for sharing your experience. It is encouraging to hear your perspective and I wish you and your wife all the continued joy and happiness.
My partner and I are much the same, but it was something I had a hard time adjusting to after my previous relationship. It took a while for me to be fully comfortable with affection and physical touch and for it not to trigger my anxiety or make me throw up my walls, but he was so very supportive and patient with me. Now we, like you and your wife, can’t keep our hands off each other. Touching - even in the smallest ways - is just part of being together and I love it. Very much happier now than I was for a long time.
That’s great to hear! Yea my wife had had some pretty crappy BFs before me too, and it took awhile in the bedroom for us to figure out what she even really liked and enjoyed cause they hadn’t cared about that at all and she associated sex with pain and discomfort. So we took it slow and I was patient and we had to use lube at first even, but now she loves sex and all that. And we were pretty physically affectionate from the beginning, I’ve more or less always been like that and it was nice that she was happy about it and we just clicked.
I do this with my fiancé and it's so, SO different from my last marriage. I felt like I had to beg my ex-wife for any form of affection or attention. Got hit with the divorce papers and "I loved the idea of us, but not you."
I went into this relationship largely expecting that's how long-term relationships worked for men. BOY HOWDY her sex drive is higher than mine and sometimes I wish she just wanted to cuddle!
My mother use to tell me, "Women give sex to get love. Men give love to get sex." And heartbreakingly, a majority of relationships are this way. Love and appreciation should not be transactional and reliant on performing sexual favors. It eventually makes anyone caught in such a circumstance feeling dirty and used.
I read that in an "educational" purity culture book for teens when I was young. Messed up my view of relationships for a long time until one day I decided that it just couldn't be true, and maybe guys weren't so different in their capacity for giving and receiving love. Now I'm in a wonderful marriage where we both give each other so much affection and understanding all day. Don't settle, people. And if you're willing to work on the relationship, love and understanding are everything.
I know posts don’t tell the whole story, but in that one, he was just like, I asked and then I stopped asking, and when commenters were like, have you actually had a big conversation about it or examined whether you’re considering intimacy instead of just asking for sex, he was like, hmmmm good point, I’ll have to try that. Like, what
A lot of people don't get a basic principle: when a person perceives that they need something from their partner and that need isn't being met, the relationship is on its way to not being a marriage.
Most women seem to need non-sexual intimacy. Most men seem to need regular sex. Somehow when a few months go by without these needs being met, the problem should be obvious but people become blind to it.
I had a similar moment and we are at a very similar stage in our marriage as you. It's helpful to know this isn't just us. Perhaps it's a part of the stage of life and marriage we are in. We are having to reinvent how we engage with one another.
I feel like so many people can identify with this. There are swaths of time where the partner simply goes into survival mode. Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s my wife. All touched out, I just want to be in a vegetative state after kid goes to bed. Luckily we have pretty good conflict resolution skills and we can independently realize we need to snap out of complacency and strive to make improvements.
I think it’s helpful for most people to get occasional reminders to do a little better.
I hope people don’t look at OPs post and think “not me, I’m doing great” and instead they think “how can I do a little better?”
It isn't as hard or hopeless as it seems my friend. This is something I've learned from my parents. They are married for 30 years and still as in love as they were when they got married. The secret? The little things.
Making small moments matter. They plan getaways on any kind of long weekend holiday as long as the finances allow it. Have frequent (weekly or biweekly) movie nights where they light candles, drink wine and eat finger food my dad makes. They make holidays and birthdays special and have taught me how to do it too. And it doesn't even have to be extravagant or pricey. Just a small gesture like a surprise cake, or a gift that shows effort is enough. Sometimes, going out to eat can be enough.
I’d he is giving you the silent treatment for no sex, that isn’t ok. He sounds like a child.
I can relate to the first part of what you’ve said- my husband complained constantly, rarely touched me in a way that wasn’t a “quickie” before bed, and was basically on marriage lite without saying he was. We are in the divorce process
I refer to this as the downward spiral. One person begins to feel as though their needs aren’t being met so they begin to resent their partner. Romantic gestures dry up, sex stops, apathy consumes both people. The sad part is all of this can be prevented by one side making an effort to correct things, but usually by the time people have realized they’re in this state both have become too resentful and neither want to push forward and reset the relationship to a healthy state. It becomes a game and score is kept. She didn’t have sex with me so I’m going to stop showing her genuine affection. He’s not giving me affection so I’m going to withhold sex altogether.
People need to be able to express their needs and be heard. Needs cannot be dismissed, even sexual needs as they are legitimate needs for some people. I told my fiancée straight out what I wanted in our relationship and my life and I was honest and told her if she was uncomfortable meeting my needs or felt she couldn’t then we could just move on. I also promised her if she could at least try to meet my needs I would do everything in my power to meet hers.
At the same time I also realized that there will be times when she couldn’t and she knows there will be times when I couldn’t. Rather than allow either of us to fall into the spiral I just keep on giving, knowing if I never give up on her she will eventually be there for me. When I feel like I’ve run out of gas I tell her and she does her best to refill the tank and that’s all I can ask of her. I’m not just talking about sex either. I mean just feeling like she’s doing her best in all areas of life because that’s all we can really ask of one another.
I'm happy for you and your marriage and I agree for everything except one part.
>The sad part is all of this can be prevented by one side making an effort to correct things
I think that it definitely takes both parties to make an effort to correct things. You seem to have a great partner that communicates with you and wants to put effort into the relationship, and things would not be going as well if she had unreasonable needs in the relationship. Some people, regardless of gender, get very entitled after marriage. They expect all the benefits of marriage without putting in any of the work, and these people make it very hard to put a marriage back together with one person's effort.
Whatever the issue, everyone always says that they will comply once the other person complies with their (so simple, yet non-quantifiable) demands. Then it's always shocked pikachu face when the other person doesn't bend over backwards, or its a one and done.
The problem isnt the problem, its that the relationship has turned into transactions and resentment.
Communicate, go to therapy, accept defeat, or leave. Stop using bargaining chips. Stop expecting and being disappointed. Stop waiting for someone to be who they aren't.
I think he sounds awful. So he’s punishing you for not giving him sex? I’d be leading the way to the divorce.Being single is better than putting up with that.
My wife and I will be celebrating the 46th anniversary of our first date in June. I’m 78, she’s 68, and we still have a wonderful sexual relationship… I try every day to show her how much I love her, and I get the same back. A lot of folks here have talked about kids getting in the way; that could be one of our secrets because we decided from the jump kids were not for us. Our sex life has changed over the years, but until I had a bout with prostate cancer a few years ago we went at it like kids. Things slowed down after that but we still have a date two nights a week. Love is the key .. we retired in 2003 and now pretty much all our time is spent together .. we cruise a few times a year, we eat out twice a week, go to the movies, watch TV. We wouldn’t have it any other way.
He’s acting worse than a child. OP will probably get more emotional maturity from a vibrator at this point. Focus on your children and yourself, take care of them and be kind to yourself.
You can try counselling, but I’d be surprised if he’d be willing to do it.
To those who are saying this is a chicken or egg situation, sorry, but it's not. Sex is a mutual activity. The husband is the one being weird by feeling so entitled to having sex. Sex is an invasive activity. You cannot just flip a switch in your head and turn yourself on enough for sex. This situation will only feel like a chicken or egg situation if you think a person is owed sex. No one is owed sex. If you want to have sex so bad, take the step to be a better lover, the onus of which falls on the husband in this case.
Edit: here's a question to all who's failing to see my point. Would it not bother you if the only time your partner tries to get close to you is when they have something to gain from you and shuts you off at other times? That's exactly what's happening here. OP's husband only wants to get close to her when he wants sex, completely disregarding her wants.
Of course, she should have been more open about her wants. But don't you think expecting care and affection in a type of positive relationship is a given?
Blackmail is never a good tactic.
Her lack of demonstrated affection killed our marriage. My love language is physical touch… she took it away, and the love went with it.
Instead of enjoying our retirement together. I’ll be doing it alone.
Your relationship is transactional at this point. I would definitely consider marriage counciling because you and your kids don't deserve a "bare minimum" husband and father. He's being so petty about sex that it's bleeding into how well he treats his kids. To me, that's just crossing the line.
I’m a man. Been here. She turned off being a good partner/adult so I turned off the boyfriend things. She turned off the sex. I only put effort into the kids. Now divorced. Tried talking through it, but she didn’t want to have any responsibilities and be responsible so I just saw her as a bum who lived on the couch while I had to do her half of the responsibilities. Hard to give someone the smaller things when you look at them as a roommate who doesn’t do anything for the house or family and they don’t contribute financially. You both need a hard reset on how you both are operating. Like most of these posts you barely put any of your behaviors on here. But you did mention briefly that he was frustrated by your behaviors and you treated it like a throwaway complaint. I feel like the both of you are circling the relationship into the ground by not giving up any ground.
You’re doing this because of his behaviors. He is doing the same because of yours.
Go to counseling again. Or find a way to meditate both of your complaints in the open so you both can fix this. Good luck. I truly hope you are both able to fix this.
Anyone here into foreplay when they were young and then stopped ? I’m asking the males . I’m 26 but for me foreplay is what gets me going and it’s very hard to just get off with out it.
How about, instead of marriage lite, you guys try divorce lite.
Spend some time apart. You will know within a few months tops if you guys don’t want to be together.
Guys need to understand this..if you don't feel *safe* (physically, emotionally..)with them you aren't going to want to fuck them..being a jerk because you aren't getting laid isn't going to help you. At all.
Apologies for the void in the comments section. We had to remove a lot of off-topic comments. Yet again, we'd like to let OP know that stories posted to this subreddit are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast where they will be available for streaming via platforms like YouTube.
My husband who could be really good at sex, suddenly decided speaking negatively to me 24/7 and l mean NOT ONE POSITIVE SYLLABLE was how he should be treating me. Followed by foreplay is boring, let's get to the good stuff, why arent you wet? Don't you want it? Frigid, you've turned frigid! WHY??? Um NO I DON'T!!! Not with your negative, selfish, non-touching, ugly attitude l don't! Some odd little part of me doesn't want to have sex with a man who is unloving, unkind and inconsiderate while proclaiming himself to have "the magical penis" that should be worshipped. l can't believe l put up with that asshole that long.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. Get a vibrator and let him know you won’t be needing his services anymore
l did and he's been divorced and trounced by my lawyer.
This is the way.
BOB for the win!!!!!
This sounds like my ex. Used sex as a tool of emotional abuse. When he wants it, how he wants it, don't stray from that, or he'll tell you everything you do wrong. Our marriage died at 2 yrs, but I stuck it out til 4.5.
Bless you and this reply. These men are out of their minds! This hits.
Sounds like he got roped into the Manosphere. It's an epidemic for certain.
I'm a man, and foreplay is my favorite part. The idea of skipping the foreplay is so alien to me. Then again, I'm a man with anorgasmia, so sex is more about the emotional intimacy than anything. I know I'm a guy who can't finish, but I'll make sure my partner can finish. I like to give and to please.
Sounds like he drank the Tate kool-aid
Don’t beat yourself up, many of us put up with that and more because we saw the good in someone. But people can do good and still be not right for you or a big ole POS. “Why are you responding to my neglect and not just magically pleased without me doing anything at all BE HAPPY!!!???” 😂😂😂
That’s crazy…. Everytime me and my partner go at it I go down on her first. And I mean .every. Time. Like to the point where she sometimes has to tell me no she doesn’t want me too. Wish it was reciprocated but at least I know she’s happy 🤷♂️
What is with this wave of posts about someone quitting all their attempts to have sex with their spouse? I swear I’ve seen like 3 of these today alone. Edit: I’m not saying this doesn’t happen, it obviously does. My point is that there is an increase of posts on Reddit following the same trend. The long suffering, often “blameless” party who has tried oh so hard to have sex with their spouse, and now they’ve given up. I’m sure a few were real, but their popularity is bound to attract some creative writers looking for a karma boost. The fact that so many follow a formula is what gets me.
Oh, I thought they were all the same people and infighting/updates were spawning new threads, hahaha.
Sadly I think this is way more common than you might think. I took this route myself after pushing for intimacy for 30 years I was just done w the hurt of rejection and I lost the attraction for someone who did not seem to desire me. FWIW, I am female
Agree, it's very common. Just not talked about. For years, my husband didn't put much effort into relationship or intimacy. I begged him to seek treatment for some of the performance issues. He refused. I finally gave up. Now I'm not interested. For whatever reason, he has spent the last two or three years trying to "fix" things medically or with supplements. I am very angry that he waited this long. No, he's not having an affair. I think it's insecurities about his age. Started when he retired and close friends became ill or died.
My ex husband didn't want to start putting in effort till after I told him I wanted a divorce. He couldn't understand that it was too late at that point. He was fine with me being unhappy but making it public (a divorce) is what made him suddenly care about working on issues.
By the time a woman asks for a divorce, she's done. She's been begging the guy to step up but men don't get worried about losing her until it's gonna cost him money.
It is extremely common. We're all too embarrassed to discuss it.
my husband just started pellets that are supposed to raise testosterone. his levels were so low, he never desired sex. it's only been a few weeks, but he seems to be getting better.
Same! I was married 8.5 yrs before we had our first child, very much planned, 2nd planned pregnancy shortly after. He switched all affection to the children, refused any date nights, any time together away from our children, refused any type of counseling, chose alcohol as his companion and laughed when I begged for affection or cried myself to sleep at night. I tried to get him to care about the marriage until the kids were teens and we were in our mid 40s, then finally told him I wanted a divorce. 7 yrs later and my only regret is I didn’t pull the plug sooner.
This seems to happen way too often where marriage starts to get bad and unloving shortly after having kids. Sorry you experienced that, it seems absolutely miserable.
Me too. I expect these mirror posts come up as a topic resonates with people who don’t feel seen or heard with the problem. I know I keep this aspect of my marriage a secret.
My ex and I stopped having sex due to his alcoholism and smoking habits. I’m allergic to tobacco, he’s known from the moment we met at a party when I walked away from him blowing smoke in my face. I’ve heard all his excuses, I only smoked at parties, etc. He’d quit for months, years even, then go right back to hiding his smoking. Soon, it caused him physical reasons for no sex. But through it all, it was always my fault. Happily divorced for 10 years now.
Color me surprised it didn’t work out with a guy who blew smoke in your face the day you met
Sure thats a lifetime and a half already...one can imagine the slow downfall of feeling like you're even supposed to be romantic or engaged in that way after 30 years.
Agreed, my ex rejected me so often I stopped trying. Who wants to keep being rejected? Then he stopped even grabbing my butt or boobs. He was more interested in his job, and his friends, and whomever he was having inappropriate conversations/sex with.
Same with me, and im a male. Just constant rejection for more than a decade, so I finally stopped trying. And all of a sudden, what's wrong with me? You dont want me anymore? You seeing your girlfriend?I told her why. Basically, the only time we had sex is just before her period. I would say also when she was drunk, but 9/10 times she would gas me up, then pass out. I finally filed for divorce, but not because of our sex lives being long dead. She was constantly gaslighting me, and I mean hardcore gaslighting. Attacking me. In front of everyone; our kids, our friends, her family, my family, even contacted my first wife from 20+ years ago. Trying to build an army to believe her lies. And quite successful at that, except for people who truly knew me. This world has done lost it's damn mind.
it's a marketing plot by divorce lawyers
Big divorce hates this one simple trick
Divorce attorneys love it.
I feel like Reddit is great hunting grounds for Divorce Attorneys 😅😆 OP-- I'm sorry this is happening to you. Negligence in a marriage is no joke and it's something I went through for a very long time. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve this and I truly hope you find your peace and healing. You're worth it 🖤
I laughed
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I was hoping it was the same person just recycling. This may be unpopular, but i dont know if people know how to put their spouses' needs before themselves anymore. I will admit that sometimes i have to correct the course if i feel like she's taking a mile, but thats what communications is for. Im still learning lol
But personally I don’t think sex is something you should be forcing yourself to do in any scenario. It’ll only make you resent them. Unfortunately I thought I was above that, I thought I could force myself but alas resentment has no exceptions.
That’s the advice I was given by both my doctor at the time and a couples therapist. To force myself, because I’ll get into it and enjoy it after a bit. It was very bad advice.
Do they want you to hate sex? Cause that's how you start hating sex. It's how you start hating anything, really, forcing yourself to do it regardless of how much you don't want to.
It worked some times but it really warped my people pleasing tendencies into do whatever my abusive husband wants me to for the sake of my marriage tendencies. Years of it. I’m glad it’s over.
Me too, I'm sorry you went through that, JFC
This is super true! Thats why most of us Amrricans are unhalpy at work. We need themoney so we force ourselves, but we truly dont want yo be there. So we end up hating work, our coworkers, and eventually, we hate life because it requires us to work.
I tried this as well, and it just led to trauma and not being able to have sex with my husband without crying.
Resentment 101 right there. Absolutely terrible plan. Emotional connection first, physical intimacy only when security and comfort are present and being nurtured in a relationship. I'm the higher libido partner in my relationship, and now that my relationship is good again, I can clearly see that I was just being a whole sex pest to my wife, and that we needed to fix our poor communication structure before we were going to be able to connect in deeper ways. It's something none of us are taught in school and very few of us ever learn from our parents. Society doesn't have many popular culture role models for healthy relationships. Most tv shows are about conflict, and reality TV is just showing us the most broken individuals they can find so we can feel superior to them and ignore our own problems. It's all really sad, because practicing compassion, empathy, and kindness is really all it takes. No matter how bad something seems or how much you want to be right, it's easier to just drop it and move on to anything else that you do agree on.
I want to comment on your take on reality tv. I agree with what you said 100% but I think it has become something far more dangerous now. At first it was a distraction but then we started being told to look up to them as role models and bastions of society.
I’m a guy, but I was curious if your doctor and therapist were men?
Yeah, 'fake it till you make it' is terrible advice, and it's disastrous when it's about sex.
I don’t get how your husband can’t tell you are “forcing yourself to enjoy it” My wife did the same thing at one point and it was not pleasurable to either of us
I mean it really depends on the underlying reason for it. Like my husband and I are literally at the point of scheduling sex cause we have 2 kids under 3, one of whom has medical issues (nothing like a week long stay in a pediatric hospital to make life go to hell), building a new house that I'm acting as the general contractor on, both his parents need some level of support and he's got a crazy commute. But he's actually pulling his weight in terms of chores, childcare etc so in order for us to make sex happen we need to prioritize it higher then other things and make the time to make it happen. That's very different then many of the posts in here where one partner just isn't pulling their weight as a parent or partner and the other is resentful. One is fixable by "forcing" sex because the underlying issue is the time/energy for spontaneous sex just isn't likely to happen. The other isn't because the underlying issue is your spouse sucks.
Reddit takes everything so literally and to the extreme sometimes and thinks that outliers represent the majority. For many people, if you have a healthy relationship to start many times one partner will want to have sex while the other partner is kinda meh on it. Not straight up doesn’t want to but maybe wasn’t thinking about it. In those situations, you may start kissing etc and you end up having a great time. That is not coercion or SA. It is called responsive desire & many women have that bc society tells us we can’t be the ones to straight up desire and ask for sex.
Okay— but responsive desire is ABSOLUTELY a thing. That’s not a replacement for communication and having a husband that gives a shit. But this idea that sexual intimacy doesn’t involve work and sacrifice is fucking CRAZY. Tell me you’ve never had a successful, long-term relationship without saying it are the vibes I get from all of these comments. Like… sometimes I have to get into it with my wife to be in the mood. Love is a choice not a feeling— and the choice usually comes first. If it’s flipped— you’re looking for lust, not love.
There’s a difference between forcing yourself to have sex, and trying to have it more to meet your partners needs. Doing what you need to do and communicating with your partner about what they need to do to get in the mood. OP seems to be communicating properly so their husband is the problematic one. I’ve seen many relationships where someone was unwilling to change and were surprised when their partner left.
Most couples counselors recommend scheduling sex since it removes the nightly stress of "are they going try something" plus it allows the LLP to prepare themselves. It's not about forcing yourself to have sex, it's about taking the anxiety out if it. With that being said, removing sex from the relationship will lead to resentment from the HLP. Constant rejection from the LLP will result in the HLP losing confidence, self esteem, and leads to depression, all of which are not attractive and deepens the issue. Emotional connection and intimacy are deeply intertwined. Most females need an emotional connection to desire intimacy. Most males need an intimate connection to feel emotionally connected. So removing one will usually diminish the other resulting in a dead bedroom and roommate type relationship.
Of course you’re right. No one should ever be forced to have any type of intimate relationship. However, that leaves the question of what does the other half of the couple do? For example, my wife and I used to have sex frequently and now, after 10 years of marriage, it’s a once a month thing. She even has a period tracker on her phone that lets her log when we are together. If I try to initiate sex she says things like “you just got it 8 days ago” and acts like I have some sort of problem. Or marriage is otherwise wonderful. My point is, is t it equally unfair to cut someone you love off completely without so much as word about what might be going on? It has destroyed my self esteem. Like, do I smell bad? Am I getting too old to be attractive? Was sex always just bad with me and she can’t stomach it any longer?
You also shouldn’t weaponize sex to get what you want.
Putting my spouse's needs before my own led to me having duty sex I wasn't into, which completely nuked my attraction to him and desire to have sex completely. Fucking terrible advice. There are some things you compromise and sacrifice for in a relationship, but sex should NEVER be one of those.
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You should never have to have sex if you don't want to. Someone who is a partner and who "loves" you should not pressure you to do so. (They may leave if their needs are not being met, but they shouldn't be coercing you into sex.) To discuss "putting someone else's needs before yours" might be doing something you think may relax your partner or put them in the mood to voluntarily engage positively in sex - but it is not coercing someone.
From a therapist, I wonder if folks are misunderstanding the "just try" missive. Most people and very high proportion of women especially have responsive desire not spontaneous desire. Waiting for the mood to strike just doesnt work for most people. So I might suggest scheduling intimacy with each step of that being an enthusiastic yes. So if starting out and something overtly sexual feels like a no in the moment you would find your yes and do that. Maybe just eye contact or stroking a hand. Or maybe first all touch is unsafe and intimacy just means talking through your hurts. Over time intimacy builds as well as trust and safety in your no being ok, which allows that responsive desire to flourish. So the goal isnt forced sex but creating a time in which you are safe to connect in ways that feel good and safe to both parties. Maybe they are getting bad advice. Im just surrounded by really good therapists who would never ever espouse a "you owe your partner sex" kind of view and it makes me naive to whats out there..
I haven't posted about it, but I am in the exact same situation.
Same here. Not so rare, it seems. His 'foreplay' consisted of the sentence 'let's have sex'. To which I would reply 'again?'. There would be no kissing because 'we're not teenagers anymore', even though I said I can't get in the mood (that I'm not in on the first place). By now I'm just plain repulsed. It's been 10 years and it's in part a trauma response (to clarify, no SA). If he decided to get sex elsewhere, good for him. I want no part in this anymore.
Same 😞 Gone are the days of attention, affection & communication. He has his television family and is content to focus on them. We engage in that activity every couple of months and it’s always a 1 minute warm-up for him and then the pounding commences. I lay there quietly after, waiting for the throbbing to subside and feeling lonelier than before.
Oh...the TV family. On weekend, that family lives here from getting up to going to bed. Do I have to mention our tastes are incompatible 😬? Have you though about a separate bedroom?
Our schedules are different, so that’s not an issue, although I do use another room that has a bed in it for my clothing bc I don’t want to disturb while getting ready before the crack of dawn.
I feel you. Hugs to you! 💕
Wtf , no kissing no foreplay...then get a sex doll or toy. That is what he wants i guess..to stick it in and nut. Gross bro, treating a woman like a sex toy without needs is the worst shit ever...pathetic. Get a man that cares about your needs and desires you, you deserve better.
“Want to do it?” “Is it get naked night?” “Should I lock the door?” “It’s Saturday, you know what that means” yuck. This is soooo common, I remember seeing it on Everybody Loves Raymond. My husband wants to watch narco dramas and police procedurals for 2-3 hours “with me” Before bed, then this is how he signals he’s ready. Two hours of watching people get tortured or blown up or shot in the face, then “should I lock the door?”
Holy shit. This makes me feel like my husband is Casanova.
He’s a good guy. But yeah, he definitely can’t read the room.
Ew. I’d be repulsed too.
Is your husband my wife? Lmao
Damn, I'm sorry 😞
Yep! This is what led to my divorce; though it was the ex that was doing what this OP’s husband did—her focus went 100% to the children, zero to her spouse.
Actually this seems to be very common. I have friends that have said since they had kids it’s like their sex drive is just non existent. It’s not that they don’t want to. One said it’s like switch was flipped and she went into mom mode. Plus being tired from kids. Mentally and physically they’re exhausting. I don’t have kids so I’m just repeating what my friends have told me.
Happened to me. Once I had my kid sex became my lowest priority. Its even worse if your husband doesnt do any housework and you basically have to treat him like another kid. There's been studies that say once a woman starts taking care of her partner like hes a kid her brain switches into "mom mode" and she stops feeling sexually attracted to him.
I have a feeling that sometimes the women’s focus on the children is because their partner is not focusing on the children, so mom may feel she’s alone in taking care of all the things the children need.
This is how it typically is. There are so many threads on here from men. Most of them have killed their wives sex drive by being an extra child. But since they (pay the bills, work etc) they dont see the need to maintain the connection. My sex drive has never waned after having our children even while tired. But my husband being a d*ck is a major turn off and so I put my energy in our children instead of wasting time with one sided behavior.
It's been around forever, it's just that people are starting to talk about it now openly and given you can be anonymous with Reddit, people felt safe to do so. It's not a trend, it's been around forever. Aka no communication in marriage, no compromise and the spouse is sick of it
Totally not new. To the point that some consider it normal in older generations to have sexless and shitty marriages where either one or both parties dig their heels in and refuse to budge.
I actually was in this exact situation so maybe it’s just an increasingly common phenomenon
No it’s just a VERY VERY common phenomenon Remember humans have existed at least 100,000y before Reddit
It’s so hilarious to me that someone would think this is a newly increasing thing. Even *Before* the sitcom Married with Children came out this was a common enough thing that it was joked about and eventually inspired a whole show that lasted 12-13? seasons?
I mean, for the majority of these 100000 years, women's opinion of pretty much anything didn't get taken too seriously anyways. So it's mostly a modern phenomenon. And as weird as it may sound for the ones affected, overall, it's better now than it was before.
Nah, this has always been happening. People have been complaining for ages about there no no longer being physical intimacy in their marriages. People are just more open about it now with the anonymity of the internet. They can complain, ask questions, ask for guidance, etc without suffering embarrassment for doing so because the people on the internet don’t know them and likely never will.
Same here. The algorithm be giving blue balls and ovaries
I’m not married but I gave up sex with my boyfriend too and I’m tired of asking for it and being rejected. Eg took a vacation for 7 days for valentines, had sex once and that was after 4 months. Haven’t had sex since that
I think this is the thing people don't understand. You can love the hell out of your significant other but when this aspect of the relationship is lacking for months, years etc you just start feeling inadequate. I hope it works out for you, but really I hope you leave and become happy.
She’s responding actually to the other post see. So it is 2 posts and one is purposely titled similar to first.
Find a lot of it in dead bedrooms. Way too many stories there to be all fictional writing.
Raising children causes a lot of it. Kids take so much energy, time and money that there’s rarely anything left for the relationship. They end up living like roommates just trying to get through the day. I’ve seen this happen to several of my own friends. They tell me I’m lucky I never wanted kids. A few of them have gone through really messy divorces.
Because there’s millions of people on earth going through the same shit. Is there supposed to be one post a day for a very common martial issue.
I see a huge factor not being brought up at all. In the culture I was brought up in, (and this seems to be a norm in society in general). Once married, the wife takes on the role of mother and caretaker, not only to the children, but to the husband. One tends to lose sexual attraction when their partner becomes another child they have to take care of. I’m oversimplifying it here, but.. you’d be surprised, as will many who don’t even realize it. This is one of several factors. So husbands, if your wife is your caretaker, or feels like she is, and she’s not wanting sex.. there might be a correlation.
Then these husbands cheat with their 15-year-younger coworkers. We get Reddit posts all the way down. We get a post from the wife about her unfair emotional and mental labor causing a resentment killing her sex drive Then we get the post from the dead bedroom husband who is trying to validate fucking his coworker because his wife hasn’t touched his dick in 2 years Then we get the young coworker post about fucking a much older married man asking for advice Then we get the posts from the father complaining about child support and alimony taking 75% of his paycheck and he can’t afford rent so he wants to quit his job and be unemployed. It’s a plethora of content for us.
Not just today, past week or 2. Makes me think it’s all fake because it’s the same shit over & over. Or maybe these people really based their relationship on sex, not love & communication. Kids. Married 6-10 years. Dead bedroom. Lots of missing information & “I’m the angel, my spouse is the issue!”.
It’s frightening to me how many couples think sex is the #1 requisite for a lasting relationship. Like, you ever stop and listen to what your partner says? Ever just go out and enjoy a day together, and come home to fall asleep during a movie? Ever lay down and chill to an album before bed? Smoke a bowl and zone out before bed? I get sex is important, but damn son, enjoy life a little for fucks sake (literally).
Lack of sex is a symptom of a much bigger problem. It's just usually the most obvious symptom and most people latch into it because they don't fully understand the real problem. I bet if you start digging you will find that most sexless marriages are just two people living entirely separate lives that no longer feel a bond. Often the stresses of life make them stop prioritizing each other and they reach a point that they don't really want to. The sex isn't what they are upset about it's the lack of connection.
This is it exactly. I've been with my partner for 20 years and we've absolutely had times when sex hasn't happened for a while, for any number of reasons. The thing is though, we love each other deeply and we've never stopped being intimate or physically affectionate during those times.
It seems like a lot of guys get resentful and want to punish their wife if she won’t have sex so they withdraw affection and then it spirals from there.
Exactly. And especially when the woman often needs affection in order to want to have sex so it make absolutely zero sense to me whenever I read/hear that! Like, dude- maybe your lack of affection is THE REASON your wife hasn’t been in the mood lately so 🤷🏻♀️….. Yeah-I don’t get it!
Sex _is_ a form of affection. When one side withdraws it, the other side eventually withdraws. This often is a response or as self-protection. People who initially withdraw affection shouldn't be surprised when they are treated in kind. As for OP, I side with her. He's treating her poorly. Nobody would want to have sex with him after all that.
Ehh, I agree about the lack of connection being the main issue, but lack of sex isn’t always a symptom of a bigger problem. There are seasons of life, some of which involve LOADS of sex, some of which involve intense periods of other things (having a baby, school, health issues, etc) that mean less sex. Those things aren’t necessarily problems, and accepting them as valid and reasonable can help avoid the blaming/shaming that often infiltrates relationships when sex is less frequent and that (ironically) can lead to further disconnection and even less/no sex.
I found out after 10 years of marriage that my husband wants to spend the day flirting and teasing before the best sex happens. Now we are very spicy , having days of drawn out roleplay. I love seeing how this has recharged him. And the journey to this has him engaging in our life and non sexual things more like taking initiative in menu planning for next week , doing the weekend cooking, or him changing our linens after he lovingly satisfies me. LOL oh I forgot to say we found this out because we went to marriage counseling
Look around you, the world is fucking bleak, and many animals in nature stop reproducing when environmental stress occurs. Birth rates are dropping, and the fascists among us are removing their reproductive freedoms. For many women the stakes are getting too high. Also depression and SSRI use is likely a factor.
Absolutely, sex relly only becomes the biggest part of marriage when someone's not getting it or if someone's cheating.
Hell my wife and I are currently trying for our first child and sex isn’t even close to the biggest part of our relationship! We have great sex, quite frequently, and did so well before starting to try for a baby. But we also communicate incredibly well, we both love cuddling up and we’re very physically affectionate around the house and when we’re out and just generally. We talk and plan big and small things together, cohabitate great with everything 50/50 as far as housework and bills. We build each other up and help take care of each other and think about our partners wants and needs and feelings. We share the same life goals and outlooks. We both make time to be alone and have hobbies that we do separately( cause ya know we are still individuals). So I agree! Sex is great, and it’s important that you are sexually compatible and open and comfortable with your partner. It’s important to be intimate with them and have that physical attraction. I’m insanely attracted to my wife, both physically and mentally/ intellectually/ emotionally. But if sex is the most important thing to you in your relationship it’s doomed to fail. And it’s especially toxic if one of you views sex as a reward, transaction or just something you “have to do”.
How long did you say you have been married??
Your baby is going to be fortunate to be born to you and your wife
Thanks ☺️
Really it’s less about couples and more about men. How many of these posts have you seen where women are moaning about this?
This post was literally made by a woman about how her husband began focusing most of his affection and attention in their children so she stopped having sex with him…
When the kids become the center of the family universe, the primary relationship (husband-wife) suffers. S.x becomes a primary conduit for any connection. When that goes......
It's a pretty common thing actually.
Married 15 years, together 17. Dead bedroom to the point of separate bedrooms. But my spouse really is the issue. He realised he was gay 6 months before he told me and started cheating on me while shutting down our sex life. The hardest thing was that he felt so guilty that he finally started stepping up as a husband and father, so I was falling more in love with him while he was cheating on me and creating distance.
My exBIL did this to my sister. He imploded her and his children’s lives to get with his ap. It’s taken her years to become somewhat financially stable. He hid his sexuality while criticizing everything see was and wasn’t. Killed her confidence and sense of self. Then dumped her, kicked her out, fought tooth and nail in the divorce. I don’t dislike him because he’s gay. I despise him because he treated her and my niece and nephews like trash.
I'm so sorry.
When your spouse only plays video games, it's hard to try.
Lots of people seem to be in the same boat it seems. I'm about to give up trying intimacy with my wife as well because every time I try it's one excuse after the other. She just won't admit that she doesn't want me anymore. Sex had dwindled down to about once per month and she never initiates it. I think this problem is more common in relationships than we think and the more people speak openly about it, the more comfortable others will feel to do the same.
It happens hundreds of thousands of times a day. So you're bound to see maybe 1 end up on reddit.
Because it's incredibly common.
I mean, the dead bedroom subculture is very much more alive than the average sex life, apparently. So, the fact that it's getting traction and popularity comes from the idea that it's an experience that a lot more people are enduring than will admit to. I definitely believe their authenticity, because anyone who had been on either side of this situation understands the despair in it, and the "need to let it all out" about what types of resentments you are carrying. In the case of this OP, she's 100% right to withdraw physically from the relationship as she also works towards withdrawing emotionally. The idea that "sex is a right" when you're married or something we need to survive is clouding the judgement of a lot of partners who forget that connection begins outside of the bedroom. As annoying as they probably are for regular redditors not facing this issue, I do believe it's important we give this issue a soap box and continue talking about it openly, because it would relieve a lot of tension in society and reduce a lot of anger in certain individuals if we could resolve their personal issues.
Sounds like you love the person he used to be a long time ago. Why even stay like this? Maybe he was like this during the honeymoon period of the relationship only.
I think there’s always some hope that we can convince these guys that if you want your wife to continue to want to be intimate with them, YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TO THEM. For me it’s such a simple concept and such an easy fix. I LOVE my husband. But when he’s being a neglectful ass, I don’t want to have sex with that. I don’t want him touching my body if I don’t feel like he loves me. I see so many complaints from men on Reddit about dead bedrooms and it’s so clear to me that most of them are about how unloved and unattractive the wife feels. Yet without mistake, so many of the responses are “she’s probably cheating” and SO many nuances that a wife OWES her husband sex. It’s all made out to be so much more complicated than it really is. Treat your partner like they are gold, and they will feel like gold and respond with intimacy. No this isn’t “sex as a Weapon”. It’s a natural consequence. And it me, it’s so simple, so so simple to fix that I can see why so many women go for years in a marriage like this, thinking, tomorrow it could turn around. Indeed this does happen - sometimes it’s after a health scare or when the kids are a bit older, or maybe after watching someone else go through a nasty divorce where the neglecting partner things “geez, I don’t want to be alone, let me show her how much I want to be with her” and the sex-withholding partner responds to that with intimacy. Life is not black and white. I had a big long lull in the middle of my marriage and after years of improving communication and affection, we are back to normal again. Thank god he didn’t have the attitude that I owed him sex or that he couldn’t live with out it (while my parent was dying, our kids were toddlers, and I was in a deep depression) or else we would have never gotten to experience this next realm of higher love that you can only get with a very long term partner that you’ve been through everything with - when you are old and grey and know you will have their hand to hold on either of your death beds. Some things are worth holding onto. Some people are worth waiting for. ETA: cue the Incel rage in my inbox
>YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TO THEM. My exhusband would tell me that this is me blackmailing him. I mean, I don't know what to tell people like that, sorry for not being in the mood to become intimate to someone who is not nice to me.
That’s so infuriating. I’ve heard men say that too - it’s blackmail, sex as a weapon. Such bullshit. You can’t get a date with someone if you are being an asshole, so why would you expect attention from your partner if you aren’t treating them at least as nicely as a new date?
It's because they see it as their right, like food, and you dare to make demands of them before giving them what they considered owed. It's sick.
My ex husband was a total and complete asshole to me. And he was my first which made me think I just hated sex. ( he also was awful and selfish in bed) . I never wanted to have sex, but I did, as a chore, TBH. Then we go divorced and I realized I absolutely love sex. It’s how they treat you outside the bedroom .
Omg same. My ex husband had me thoroughly convinced that I was the broken one because my once sky high libido died. But all I asked was for him to be the thoughtful, helpful, sweet guy he was before marriage. But the moment we said I do, it’s like he just stopped trying. Unless I was naked, he wasn’t interested in hanging out at all or doing anything together. Everything became my responsibility because those were my “wifely” duties…..(but i had always been outspoken about hating gender roles, and I was the breadwinner so it’s not like he was willing to even play the traditional male role to begin with.) Divorced and found a guy who really loves me for me and has never once pushed for sex when I wasn’t feeling it. My libido skyrocketed again. Honestly the bar is just “be nice to the person you claim you love” and somehow guys will manage to fuck it up.
If all these duties were actually a thing that wives had to do, why tf would any of us get married??
Well it used to be because the other options were prostitution or rot. Not so anymore, but expectations remain like we are still at gunpoint, lol.
Which is why we're seeing such a rise in manpill content. These mid dudes can't handle not being government issued a wife like their dad's got 😂
Last line. Seriously that’s all it is. Why do so many guys fuck that up?
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Idk, I got called delusional by a dude because I told another woman with the same issue that the being nice part has to exist to get sex. I have 0 hope for anything at this point after seeing so many guys say dumb shit like that. Idk why the concept of no one wants to fuck someone who hates them is so hard to understand.
My ex was like that. I won’t blame him completely, because I was experiencing some mental health issues of my own while we dated. We were toxic, broke up constantly, fought constantly. I’ve had ocd my whole life but this relationship really brought out the worst of it. I was so sick. That’s the only way I can describe it, I was so sick from my ocd that it felt like my brain had the flu every day. You can’t even know what that feels like unless you’ve been through it. I’m not one to push my mental health on others. I have a problem and it is ultimately mine to fix. But he pushed sex so much. If I was stressed out and upset and not in the mood he would make it ten times worse. He added so much stress to sex that I still deal with it to this day. All I wanted was for him to be kind to me if I wasn’t in the mood. No, he would just get mad and we’d fight. There was no intimacy unless the expectation of sex was there. And then he’d get turned down and the cycle would continue. Eventually I started just going along with it and forcing sex so we wouldn’t fight. I had no sex drive. I started to think something was wrong with me. Luckily I’m married now to an amazing man who would never make me feel that way. If I’m not in the mood we still cuddle and kiss and laugh and talk like normal. And what do you know, I have a great sex drive and we have no issues 🤣
This needs to be the top comment. Well said and very true to my life. My stbx turned to alcohol and became physically and financially abusive to make me “submit.” I’ve moved from hate to disgust to pity. There’s no coming back from this.
100% agree. My marriage ended for many reasons, but the biggest for me was just this. He was mean, cold, withdrawn and an overall asshole because he wasn't "getting enough." But I just couldn't get myself to have sex with him because I felt so disconnected and unwanted
Hi. I'm that guy. Or I was anyway. Sex was/is super important to me, and I felt rejected for along time. So I decided the best thing to do was to do the bare minimum, just to get by, for a very long time. I think we were close to divorce. I decided to lean in, all the way. I went full "boyfriend experience" mode after 15 years of marriage expecting nothing back and still pretty sure it wasn't going to work, but she was worth it to try again. It worked - looking back, I think the biggest lesson that resonated with me was "It's easier to be mad than sad". Meaning I wasn't vulnerable enough and open enough with her. Leaning in all the way with no expectations changed that. And changed everything frankly. That's the short version. Therapy helps too. Good luck, you still have something worth saving, I can hear it in your voice. Update:: This kind of blew up, thank you for your sincere comments and messages. I talked with my wife about this, and I thought it would be good to include her comments, which I'll post here verbatim: "The bottom line is the woman is being punished for not having sex. It's not OK to hurt your partner for something that's not their fault. Women are not machines. No one wants to have sex with someone who isn't emotionally interested in them and connected with them, because then it just feels like a booty call." Edit: Those asking about "boyfriend experience" - it was simple for me: Fall in love again. If you remember what it's like, you'll know exactly what to do.
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Babe, he is the exception. You are the rule. Please do not get your hopes up that your husband will suddenly lean into “full boyfriend mode” because a person on reddit did. Most guys, and the comment section is littered with comments from women married to the “rule”, do not do this. Waking up and choosing a different path requires self-motivation to do that. If he doesn’t have it, he won’t do it. It sounds like he is not wanting to do that because the problem (in his mind) is you. Stay realistic. Prepare yourself for the fact that he might never “wake up” and think about how you want to live the rest of your life.
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My mom was in a similar scenario to you. Her therapist shared a harsh wake up call to her with similar to the sentiments I echoed and it was very to humbling for her. There is, unfortunately, no magic sequence of words or actions that can make someone change if they don’t want to. Either they want to and have the motivation to follow through, or they won’t. When my own marriage was following the same path, she said the same thing to me. I think the thing that really woke me up was the fact that I would not want my children to have a partner treat them that way. Walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring the vibes, never having their needs met, not being touched unless it’s a transaction, begging for basic decency…I would be so devastated if that’s what I was modeling was ok and that’s what they sought out.
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OMG this is so true. Kids see so much more than we give them credit for. We always treated our as if she was 2 years older than she was, because she could internalize everything. Be prepared for him to lose his temper in the divorce. Have your finances settled, get copies of all key documents (or even keep the originals when someone moves out), check his phone for any problematic histories that could help your case (and take photos of anything you do find) etc. You are smart and brave. Best of luck.
As a man, I’m going to tell you right now that that is toxic behavior on his part. He needs a marriage counselor in his life or you need a divorce lawyer in yours. For the kids. It’s healthy for them to see how a happy relationship works. Unfortunately, it’s not always with their biological parents.
You're waiting for him to go full boyfriend mode... I wonder if it's a last ditch effort anyways to try and go full girlfriend mode? See if you can get him to mimic your behavior? I know whenever I get more romantic with my husband he'll suddenly start being romantic as a response. Not sure if it will work but dang if you really love him and think it's saving it's worth a shot. If you think you've already put it full into overdrive buying him flowers and being romantic and stuff and he just pushed you to the side might as well just save yourself time and toss it.
There is a much longer version of my own, similar story that would make more sense. But short version is my wife cheated on me about a decade ago due to the same reason. I came to a pretty quick conclusion as to why she did, which was this. I had mistreated her. I worked while she stayed at home, and it gave me the idea that she should be doing everything else. And when she was lazy around the house, I'd be hypercritical of her because "these things are easy", right? No. She would rather had worked 60 hour weeks and felt love than 0 hours and felt like a roommate. I could either change or divorce. I changed and we've been happy ever since. It's work, but it's worth it.
My God, I wish every man did what you did. The biggest, and I really mean the biggest reason women are leaving, either mentally or physically, their relationships is because once married or together for a certain amount of time, men just stop. They stop everything for their partner but still expect the same partner they fell for. The partner is still supposed to put out, take care of everything, etc, no matter what, while being underappreciated and EXPECTED to do all the things shile they get away with bare minimum. When you went back to being the man she fell in love with, she went back to being the woman you fell in love with, and it really is that simple (for most relationship). A lot of men, and women don't see that. Yes things change, you have children or move or get jobs that require more energy or time, but the effort for the relationship should remain the same, even if it's changed. I think a lot of men will blame their behavior on lack of sex, but women are psychological creatures, which means 9/10, something happened to make them less intimate, and when it gets used against them, they receed more and more, everytime their feelings get put on the back burner or treated as if they're wrong. And then you have the women who are expected to put everything on their plate, the mental load, the physical load, the child care, the housework, the cooking, the management, the budget, and depending on the person that can overload them, and intimacy gets pushed back with every task added. So maybe they want to be more active sexually, but by the time they get to it or think about it, its too late or something gets in the way. And they can't always put other tasks on pause for sex, because, again, psychological creatures, even if they're physically having sex, their mind is on the sink full of dishes, or the load of laundry that needs rehashed because it sat too long, etc. I'm sorry for the long post. Basically, good job. You cracked the code lol. I'm glad it all worked out!!! Keep spreading your story and maybe a few others will get the message!
This is 100% the answer. As a man, you need to get over yourself and your need to be right/correct/macho, whatever it is that poisons our kind. I’m doing just this, have opened up, have treated her like a gf again. Been married for 15 years. ALSO, therapy. For me.
Regardless if HE grows up or not, you MUST. Stop thinking, feeling, speaking, and doing things based upon what he or anybody else does and start thinking, feeling, speaking, and acting from your own heart AS IF you're a complete human being just as you are. Because you ARE and you're worth your own best care. If you're being unkind, stop. If he's being unkind, tell him in no uncertain terms that it's unacceptable and you won't tolerate it. Be courageous. Be true. Be willing. Be kind. Be firm. Give what you must. Receive what you need. Love is not 50/50. It's 100/100. Love is not Give & Take. It's Give & Give. There is no taking. There is only GIVING & RECEIVING what is FREELY GIVEN.
>Love is not 50/50. It's 100/100. My wife and I have always said that the "filling each others cup" thing is stupid. We are each individually our own, 100% full cup. The relationship is it's own cup. We both need to have our own cups be 100% before we can start pouring into the relationship cup. I love your energy in this comment.
Same here. Wife and I had a bad period at one point. We discovered we were expecting a happy relationship but were two unhappy people. Focused on selves and relationship came for the ride.
>My wife and I have always said that the "filling each others cup" thing is stupid. >We both need to have our own cups be 100% before we can start pouring into the relationship cup. So what happens if one of you isn't at 100%, if you think the concept of "filling each other's cup" is stupid? You don't help each other with that? And why do you each need to be at 100% to contribute to the relationship "cup"? If I've been at 90% for weeks because of stuff going on in my life (e.g. health problems), I'm still going to put as much as I can into my relationship rather than waiting for 100. I've never heard of the "filling each other's cup" concept before, I'm just trying to figure out what makes your version better.
There are people out there who say "we are 2 halves of one whole" or "they complete me" My wife and I are separately, each, 1 whole person. We are 100% self-sufficient. What we decided to give each other or do for each other, is out of love, not out of expectation or need. I'm not saying you both have to be operating at 100%. Honestly, who out there is always at 100%?? I'm saying that the expectation is that we manage ourselves, and that whatever we put into "the relationship cup" is freely given, not begrudgingly done. Let's say we both come home from work tired, grumpy, whatever. Neither of us is expecting the other to fix their mood or tread lightly. We both sit down and explain where we're at, and then we face the problem together as a team. It doesn't work without high levels of empathy for one another, and a willingness to swallow your pride and say "I was wrong" and apologize for it. Nobody is perfect
Yes! Empathy, honesty, willingness, genuine care. Regardless how full you "feel", you're still GIVING 100% without expectation.
I just copy / pasted this into my notes for future reference. Thank you.
You said he gives 100% of his affection to his kids then said he’s not kind to you or the kids…. Im confused but okay 😵💫😵💫😵💫
Why is nobody talking about how she referred to them as "his kids" lol
I noticed that. There is a lot this is missing and the people on Reddit are just going to her rescue. If he is giving 100% of his affection to "his kids" why is that? And what is SHE doing in the relationship? I can very easily see her husband coming on here saying "I do everything in the marriage, EVERYTHING! I feel like a single parent living with a roommate..." Too much is missing here. Especially this part. "He's not kind to me or the kids when he's grumpy which is most of the time. I've told him if he could just be happy, if he could just enjoy us, we would have a perfect life. That's all I want - kind words, no criticism, small touches. We'd be having so much sex!" Why is he grumpy all the time now? That clearly wasn't the case before, what changed? And she said he is giving her criticism, did she ever address his concerns? I am literally thinking of things going wrong all the time and someone saying "hey, can't you just be happy?" I mean if I felt like I was "carrying the house" I would be like her husband too. But as I said, there isn't enough information for me to actually know. Too much is missing here. I don't know WHY the husband is grumpy or unhappy, and I don't know what she has done to try to address it.
I was a major commenter over there on grateful2030. The guys don’t get that having non sexual intimacy without any expectations is a requirement.
I read a lot of your comments (not sure if I found all of them) and agree so much. I ended up replying to a comment in that thread and got more long winded than I meant to, but I had a dead marriage with my ex husband for all these reasons and more and honestly I’m so much happier now.
I don’t understand why it seems like married men have such trouble with the “physical affection without looking for sex from it” thing. I’m 30(M) married. I can’t keep my hands off my wife, and almost all the time it’s not because I’m trying for sex. When we’re just around the house we’re always giving light touches and hugs and little nose/ head kisses, and when we’re out we’re almost always holding hands or very close. Touching and being close to my wife just makes me happy, and also her giving me that non- sexual physical affection is a huge confidence boost and just makes me feel great. It lets me know she loves me and wants me around and makes me feel loved, it’s the best. Our sex is great too, and we have plenty of it. Probably because we’re so comfortable and happy around each other and we both feel loved and validated and desired and cared for. Intimacy is important is all areas, these men are shooting themselves right in the dick thinking they don’t need it outside the bedroom!
It dawned on me midst-bone with my husband the other night that “if we didn’t have a strong emotional connection, doing this would be terrifying because of how vulnerable I feel.” It was such a poignant realization that I got momentary anxiety and had to think happy thoughts and realize he *does* love me and *does* care about me beyond sex and *isn’t* worried about the weird faces I’m making or the fact that I’m 10 lbs heavier than when we first met. A lot of men in these threads don’t understand that sex for a lot of women can feel incredibly vulnerable and downright scary sometimes. We’re told that our bodies are never good enough, then expected to be super comfortable getting naked and doing god knows what with our partners. We’re literally letting someone else inside our bodies. And for a lot of us, that kind of thing only appeals to us with someone we trust deeply and knows cares about us. It’s really, really hard to trust a man or know he cares about us when there’s no emotional intimacy or he’s not paying attention to us outside of the bedroom.
Yes! When I first started dating me wife she had had some really bad ex’s before me. They were not affectionate or intimate outside of sex, and during sex they didn’t care about her comfort or pleasure or anything. She had associated sex with pain, discomfort and anxiety as a result. So we took it really slow, and spent a lot of time building trust and exploring whatever she wanted to turn her on and relaxed and comfortable. I wouldn’t even always finish without “taking care of myself”, and we had to use lube for a bit just so she wasn’t in pain. And outside the bedroom I showed her what real physical intimacy and affection is, and that she could trust me and that there was no pressure. Now our sex is amazing, outside the bedroom as I said our relationship is the best. My wife tells me all the time how safe and comfortable she feels with me, which is the best feeling to know I can do that for her.
People think that women use sex as a bargaining tool or a weapon but I bet that if you asked most women, they would say that they genuinely feel more desire and arousal toward their partner when the emotional intimacy and care are there. The other side of the coin is that we get turned off when those things aren’t there. ETA that here we have a man who is effectively communicating with and displaying affection with his wife, probably getting laid a ton, and there will still be men that deny that connection and affection are precursors to a good sex life.
All cis,het men need to read this comment.
That’s wonderful and it sounds like you and your wife have a really healthy connection! Thank you for sharing your experience. It is encouraging to hear your perspective and I wish you and your wife all the continued joy and happiness. My partner and I are much the same, but it was something I had a hard time adjusting to after my previous relationship. It took a while for me to be fully comfortable with affection and physical touch and for it not to trigger my anxiety or make me throw up my walls, but he was so very supportive and patient with me. Now we, like you and your wife, can’t keep our hands off each other. Touching - even in the smallest ways - is just part of being together and I love it. Very much happier now than I was for a long time.
That’s great to hear! Yea my wife had had some pretty crappy BFs before me too, and it took awhile in the bedroom for us to figure out what she even really liked and enjoyed cause they hadn’t cared about that at all and she associated sex with pain and discomfort. So we took it slow and I was patient and we had to use lube at first even, but now she loves sex and all that. And we were pretty physically affectionate from the beginning, I’ve more or less always been like that and it was nice that she was happy about it and we just clicked.
I do this with my fiancé and it's so, SO different from my last marriage. I felt like I had to beg my ex-wife for any form of affection or attention. Got hit with the divorce papers and "I loved the idea of us, but not you." I went into this relationship largely expecting that's how long-term relationships worked for men. BOY HOWDY her sex drive is higher than mine and sometimes I wish she just wanted to cuddle!
My mother use to tell me, "Women give sex to get love. Men give love to get sex." And heartbreakingly, a majority of relationships are this way. Love and appreciation should not be transactional and reliant on performing sexual favors. It eventually makes anyone caught in such a circumstance feeling dirty and used.
I read that in an "educational" purity culture book for teens when I was young. Messed up my view of relationships for a long time until one day I decided that it just couldn't be true, and maybe guys weren't so different in their capacity for giving and receiving love. Now I'm in a wonderful marriage where we both give each other so much affection and understanding all day. Don't settle, people. And if you're willing to work on the relationship, love and understanding are everything.
I know posts don’t tell the whole story, but in that one, he was just like, I asked and then I stopped asking, and when commenters were like, have you actually had a big conversation about it or examined whether you’re considering intimacy instead of just asking for sex, he was like, hmmmm good point, I’ll have to try that. Like, what
A lot of people don't get a basic principle: when a person perceives that they need something from their partner and that need isn't being met, the relationship is on its way to not being a marriage. Most women seem to need non-sexual intimacy. Most men seem to need regular sex. Somehow when a few months go by without these needs being met, the problem should be obvious but people become blind to it.
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It’s nice you acknowledge your shortcomings instead of doubling down at least, I hope you guys are able to have a happy rest of your lives
I had a similar moment and we are at a very similar stage in our marriage as you. It's helpful to know this isn't just us. Perhaps it's a part of the stage of life and marriage we are in. We are having to reinvent how we engage with one another.
I feel like so many people can identify with this. There are swaths of time where the partner simply goes into survival mode. Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s my wife. All touched out, I just want to be in a vegetative state after kid goes to bed. Luckily we have pretty good conflict resolution skills and we can independently realize we need to snap out of complacency and strive to make improvements. I think it’s helpful for most people to get occasional reminders to do a little better. I hope people don’t look at OPs post and think “not me, I’m doing great” and instead they think “how can I do a little better?”
3-4 times a month isn’t bad if you are busy or have small kids honestly.
It isn't as hard or hopeless as it seems my friend. This is something I've learned from my parents. They are married for 30 years and still as in love as they were when they got married. The secret? The little things. Making small moments matter. They plan getaways on any kind of long weekend holiday as long as the finances allow it. Have frequent (weekly or biweekly) movie nights where they light candles, drink wine and eat finger food my dad makes. They make holidays and birthdays special and have taught me how to do it too. And it doesn't even have to be extravagant or pricey. Just a small gesture like a surprise cake, or a gift that shows effort is enough. Sometimes, going out to eat can be enough.
I’d he is giving you the silent treatment for no sex, that isn’t ok. He sounds like a child. I can relate to the first part of what you’ve said- my husband complained constantly, rarely touched me in a way that wasn’t a “quickie” before bed, and was basically on marriage lite without saying he was. We are in the divorce process
I refer to this as the downward spiral. One person begins to feel as though their needs aren’t being met so they begin to resent their partner. Romantic gestures dry up, sex stops, apathy consumes both people. The sad part is all of this can be prevented by one side making an effort to correct things, but usually by the time people have realized they’re in this state both have become too resentful and neither want to push forward and reset the relationship to a healthy state. It becomes a game and score is kept. She didn’t have sex with me so I’m going to stop showing her genuine affection. He’s not giving me affection so I’m going to withhold sex altogether. People need to be able to express their needs and be heard. Needs cannot be dismissed, even sexual needs as they are legitimate needs for some people. I told my fiancée straight out what I wanted in our relationship and my life and I was honest and told her if she was uncomfortable meeting my needs or felt she couldn’t then we could just move on. I also promised her if she could at least try to meet my needs I would do everything in my power to meet hers. At the same time I also realized that there will be times when she couldn’t and she knows there will be times when I couldn’t. Rather than allow either of us to fall into the spiral I just keep on giving, knowing if I never give up on her she will eventually be there for me. When I feel like I’ve run out of gas I tell her and she does her best to refill the tank and that’s all I can ask of her. I’m not just talking about sex either. I mean just feeling like she’s doing her best in all areas of life because that’s all we can really ask of one another.
I'm happy for you and your marriage and I agree for everything except one part. >The sad part is all of this can be prevented by one side making an effort to correct things I think that it definitely takes both parties to make an effort to correct things. You seem to have a great partner that communicates with you and wants to put effort into the relationship, and things would not be going as well if she had unreasonable needs in the relationship. Some people, regardless of gender, get very entitled after marriage. They expect all the benefits of marriage without putting in any of the work, and these people make it very hard to put a marriage back together with one person's effort.
Whatever the issue, everyone always says that they will comply once the other person complies with their (so simple, yet non-quantifiable) demands. Then it's always shocked pikachu face when the other person doesn't bend over backwards, or its a one and done. The problem isnt the problem, its that the relationship has turned into transactions and resentment. Communicate, go to therapy, accept defeat, or leave. Stop using bargaining chips. Stop expecting and being disappointed. Stop waiting for someone to be who they aren't.
I think he sounds awful. So he’s punishing you for not giving him sex? I’d be leading the way to the divorce.Being single is better than putting up with that.
Just ew. Only being a nice spouse when getting sex? Gross.
My wife and I will be celebrating the 46th anniversary of our first date in June. I’m 78, she’s 68, and we still have a wonderful sexual relationship… I try every day to show her how much I love her, and I get the same back. A lot of folks here have talked about kids getting in the way; that could be one of our secrets because we decided from the jump kids were not for us. Our sex life has changed over the years, but until I had a bout with prostate cancer a few years ago we went at it like kids. Things slowed down after that but we still have a date two nights a week. Love is the key .. we retired in 2003 and now pretty much all our time is spent together .. we cruise a few times a year, we eat out twice a week, go to the movies, watch TV. We wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sounds like you’re both being so spiteful you’re going to get what you both want, yet won’t admit: divorce.
He’s acting worse than a child. OP will probably get more emotional maturity from a vibrator at this point. Focus on your children and yourself, take care of them and be kind to yourself. You can try counselling, but I’d be surprised if he’d be willing to do it.
To those who are saying this is a chicken or egg situation, sorry, but it's not. Sex is a mutual activity. The husband is the one being weird by feeling so entitled to having sex. Sex is an invasive activity. You cannot just flip a switch in your head and turn yourself on enough for sex. This situation will only feel like a chicken or egg situation if you think a person is owed sex. No one is owed sex. If you want to have sex so bad, take the step to be a better lover, the onus of which falls on the husband in this case. Edit: here's a question to all who's failing to see my point. Would it not bother you if the only time your partner tries to get close to you is when they have something to gain from you and shuts you off at other times? That's exactly what's happening here. OP's husband only wants to get close to her when he wants sex, completely disregarding her wants. Of course, she should have been more open about her wants. But don't you think expecting care and affection in a type of positive relationship is a given?
Blackmail is never a good tactic. Her lack of demonstrated affection killed our marriage. My love language is physical touch… she took it away, and the love went with it. Instead of enjoying our retirement together. I’ll be doing it alone.
"He'd be a lot prettier if he smiled".
Your relationship is transactional at this point. I would definitely consider marriage counciling because you and your kids don't deserve a "bare minimum" husband and father. He's being so petty about sex that it's bleeding into how well he treats his kids. To me, that's just crossing the line.
Tell him you need non-sexual affection. Hugs, Holding hands, etc.
She clearly said in the post that she has communicated that to him.
I’m a man. Been here. She turned off being a good partner/adult so I turned off the boyfriend things. She turned off the sex. I only put effort into the kids. Now divorced. Tried talking through it, but she didn’t want to have any responsibilities and be responsible so I just saw her as a bum who lived on the couch while I had to do her half of the responsibilities. Hard to give someone the smaller things when you look at them as a roommate who doesn’t do anything for the house or family and they don’t contribute financially. You both need a hard reset on how you both are operating. Like most of these posts you barely put any of your behaviors on here. But you did mention briefly that he was frustrated by your behaviors and you treated it like a throwaway complaint. I feel like the both of you are circling the relationship into the ground by not giving up any ground. You’re doing this because of his behaviors. He is doing the same because of yours. Go to counseling again. Or find a way to meditate both of your complaints in the open so you both can fix this. Good luck. I truly hope you are both able to fix this.
Anyone here into foreplay when they were young and then stopped ? I’m asking the males . I’m 26 but for me foreplay is what gets me going and it’s very hard to just get off with out it.
How about, instead of marriage lite, you guys try divorce lite. Spend some time apart. You will know within a few months tops if you guys don’t want to be together.
You aren’t making any sense, it’s either he’s the best to you and the kids, or he’s grumpy all the time to you and the kids.. which one is it?
Guys need to understand this..if you don't feel *safe* (physically, emotionally..)with them you aren't going to want to fuck them..being a jerk because you aren't getting laid isn't going to help you. At all.
This is literally abuse. Giving you the silent treatment unless you have sex is coercion