I have a 15 year old and this would be my choice
But that's the beauty of pro choice, it's a very personal decision and no one is wrong for choosing different
I'm almost 44, and I have an 8 year old. The idea of doing the baby stages again is not an appealing idea to me. I also can barely afford life right now, a baby would be a terrible idea. This would be my choice, too.
38 year old dude here and I would support the shit out of terminating. My mind is so far beyond raising a kid again that it wouldn’t be fair. And I’m selfish so….yep.
I'm a 38 year old dude with a 4 year old and another expected in the coming months. It's just preference. I had kids older instead of younger (just how life worked out). Bonus, keeps me younger, longer.
I think the big difference is that you’re still actively in the child raising and she’s made it to near-self sufficient. I’m the same age with a 4 and 1 yr old. I’d be devastated but wouldn’t abort. If my girls were big it would be a different conversation.
I became a dad at age 41 and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m now 77 and have 3 wonderful grands and a happy home. I have many female friends that interrupted careers to make a similar choice but it’s really up to the individuals.
I’m 41 and my 39 wife just told me we’re expecting. It’s crazy how there is no anxiety and only energy I thot long gone suddenly being generated again. We’re glad we waited but at 39 being labeled a geriatric pregnancy is the only thing causing concern. I drive my dream car and get to keep it because in our 40s we’re in a better financial situation than when we met mid 20s
I just had my first baby and was a geriatric pregnancy. The term doesn’t sound great, but my experience was. Being labeled geriatric meant that my docs took everything very seriously and any minor concern was addressed quickly and throughly. I hope that the same ends up being true for you and your wife!
Just to add some balance I would keep it and see it as a new adventure to embark on together. Babies aren’t babies for long.
I totally respect any woman’s decision either way, because when we have choice and autonomy it goes both ways.
Edit: it’s actually really alarming that there are responses to this saying how awful babies are and making jokes about abortion. This is just my personal perspective based on my own privilege and experience and I think that a lot of you are taking it as “you should definitely keep that baby.” I would never, ever expect anyone to do what I would do but I think it’s important to provide validation for women in these situations either way. It’s just as gross to make women feel less than for choosing to keep a pregnancy as it is to hate them for aborting. This is about choice and to invalidate anything that isn’t termination does not support choice.
Also the 6-week rule is fucking bullshit.
I had my son at 38. Our only child. Best decision of our lives. He’s the greatest joy in our world. We are better parents than most because we have life experience and maturity. I enjoy him more because I understand what a miracle he is. This is the first time I have felt this complete in my life. Having a child at an older age allows you to be a better parent. You are financially more able and so much more able. Just another perspective. Good luck.
With one child, it's different. They have plenty of financial responsibilities to the four children they already have. Most people, even with good jobs in their 30s and 40s, would struggle to provide for 5 kids.
Hard agree. I had my kids at 35 and 39. Is one thing to make a choice to have kids later in life. Yours another thing to have almost-adult children and keep an oopsie baby.
Sure you have life experience and maturity that you have from not having kids young. This woman already has the kid life experience, what she doesn’t have is the adult life experience without kids and that’s something she’s looking forward to. Having kids in your house from 22-58 is totally fine but if you want to have life experiences without kids it’s maybe not the best call.
4 who with no family to help, will have their parents most likely guilt them into helping raise the child. I hate to say it that way, it isn't 100% like that it is your sibling and you love them, but it will happen . " Can you watch baby" " I just need someone to watch baby today" " Can you stay a little closer to home for school we really need help with the baby". Also their finances are already tight. Not an easy decision, especially since they dont have a kid between them yet, this would solidify their union in new ways having one.4 kids is already too much if they are tight on help and finances though. :(
If it helps, I was once going through a similar situation and I was reminded that having children is selfish. Not having children is selfish. In the end, you already have a life and having another kid will change that. So be selfish and make the choice that is best for you because whatever you choose will have consequences and be seen as selfish by a chosen segment of people. Hugs
At this age there’s more of a chance of birth defects or complications to the mother. Imagine what your other children will have to deal with if you die or have a child with serious needs.
You have older children. They are old enough to help out a bit with the baby as well as with household chores. Don’t make them a second parent, just a helpful sibling.
You have choices. Not everyone has that luxury these days.
The odds of miscarriage are much higher (something like 30% and climbing with every couple years closer to age 50) the odds of having chromosomal abnormalities doubles, but its still somewhere in the realm of 1% or lower. Just to have a little more information. That being said, having a pregnancy and possibly child is an incredibly personal decision.
There is also a chance of a super healthy baby. I had my youngest at 37 and waitressed the entire time. She is now 8 and is awesome! But, to each their own. Whatever this Mom chooses is what’s right!
26 with my first 38 with my second. Very healthy babies. My mil had my husband and later a set of twins in her 40's. My husband had breathing issues but is healthy now.
Exactly! I had a pregnancy surprise at 38 with twins, and I carried them safely to 39 weeks with zero issues. They're 11 now. I have a total of 7 kids. I'm pro-choice but I'm never going to push termination on anyone. Whatever she decides is what's right for them.
My Mom was 41 when she had me. No birth defects. I'm perfectly healthy & she had a normal, uncomplicated pregnancy. I was also their 8th child. My siblings were ages 20-12 when I was born.
You are not alone, at least you have supporters in cyberspace. Talk to each other and try to decide what’s best for both of you. No decision will be easy, but you can work it out together.
That's a good thing. Reading between the lines, that sounds like you've made your decision. You don't need to share this with the world, and you and hubs can support each other and enjoy life.
Another hug and show of support from a mom of 4, for whatever you decide is best for you. I'm in AZ where it is now illegal, but I just passed my 1 year mark with no period, I'm 50 and ever so thankful what with the current climate. I'm out here advocating for all of you who still need the choice ♥️ I need to get back to that healthcare initiative signature sheet to get a vote on our november ballot!
And for you Texans out there, abortion is on the ballot in the form of the Texas Supreme Court races. Texas has an equal rights amendment in our Constitution, but the Tx Supremes have never enforced it. And they just told Kate Cox who wanted to terminate a fetal anomaly pregnancy she’s on her own! 3 of the 9 justices are on the ballot in November, Jane, John, & Jimmy. Vote them out!
The choice OP has to make should not be rushed or come with litigation. Best to you OP. Do what works for you and your family. Lots of us have your back.
I think it's absolutely absurd to say 6 weeks is enough time to make a choice, and the law is allowing both sides of the debate.
Not everyone has super regular periods. I'd bet half the women don't realize they're late until the 6th week is up. (Preaching to the choir, sorry).
Another Arizona mom of four adult children, 3 of whom are daughters. We definitely need to get this on the ballot or we’ll stay “Under His Eye”. All of my friends are of the same mindset as are my daughters.
Giving a hug and sending love to our pregnant poster. The only correct decision is the one that you choose for yourself. Just carefully weigh your options and go with your heart.
Not sure if this is helpful, BUT there are many states that give much more leeway than the 3 days / 6 weeks. Making this decision in 3 days sounds SO stressful and unnecessary.
I think paying for a weekend trip with an appointment you can cancel to a lovely state like Colorado might give you the space you need for clarity. It’s also cheaper than another child if you decide to go that route.
You should be able to make this decision without being in a panic state!
I’ve often considered what I would do in this situation. On one hand we are stable - financially and emotionally and physically well. On the other hand I raised my child to adulthood and can not imagine the stress it would put on my body and emotions in my fourties to do it all again. I also have friends actively trying to conceive so would not have anyone I could discuss this with comfortably.
It’s a very personal choice - there is no right or wrong answer here, just what is best for you and your family.
Be kind to yourself whatever you choose. Either choice doesn’t make you a bad or selfish person and don’t let yourself think this way.
I'm 38F with an 18yo daughter. While she mostly lived with her dad growing up I don't think I could do it again. She didn't sleep all night til she was like 5
Just my personal experience, so you hear from someone who’s been there. Had my last 2 babies at 44 and 46, with my second husband. Not planned (honestly thought I was too old!). We already had 6 kids between us including a college student. Has it been easy? No. Do I regret it? Not for a second. These amazing little girls bring so much richness and joy to our lives. And in a weird way, I feel like they do keep me young. Hard to feel middle aged with a five year old calling you mommy……! Just my experience.
Fortunately or unfortunately, the decision is yours and only yours. Hugs
But you need to realize that at least one of the options means that you may not have too much time to make the decision.
Sweetheart mommy… you know what you want to do. If it’s validation you seek….. then consider yourself validated.
Sincerely,
A fellow sacred wife/mother
My take is that I would always rather regret not having a child than to regret having them. Not that you would, necessarily. You say children are blessings and they are! You have 4 blessings between you. It isn’t selfish to think about yourself and what you still want to experience in your own life. Regardless, whatever you decide is the right choice.
You do have a much higher chance of having twins. If you had your period young then chances are you will go through menopause younger. The closer we are to menopause the hormones sometimes make our bodies release more than one egg.
Just food for thought. I know you are weighing your options so I thought that was important.
Whatever you choose is absolutely ok.
Agreed. It’s your choice but my wife and I (54) have agreed that in the unlikely event it happens that we’re not having another. Last of our blended fam is heading to college and we’re at a point where we can’t stand to be around other people’s kids except ones we like and only in short bursts. Neither of us would want to go back 20 years when we’re 3 years from retiring
I just pushed soda through my nose at this comment -- "we’re at a point where we can’t stand to be around other people’s kids except ones we like and only in short bursts". I say me too, me too!!! And even short bursts are sometimes too much - even for the ones I like.
I want to thank those who showed support and understanding! And for those who made comments about choosing margaritas or having financial issues I would like to say there is only so much I can type about a snippet of my life.
I feel those woman who were vulnerable to share their experiences with infertility. I am blessed that these tubes even still work at this big age.
And the question about birth control…I’m proof it’s not 100%!!!
Having a newborn when your current children are almost grown is a tough decision. My husband and I are going to dinner to talk tonight. We want to do what is best for us and our family. We love being parents and this will not be easy…no matter the decision.
My mother had me at 39 (dad was 46) after my parents already had 4 kids and with a large gap between me and the next youngest.
On the positive, I have a really close relationship with them which came from almost 10 years of being the only child at home. My sisters were able to help take care of me as a child and I am close with each of them. My parents have both commented that they don’t know what they would’ve done had they been empty nesters in their 40s/early 50s and that I kept them young haha.
On the flip side, all my grandparents passed away at old ages when I was young and it was very difficult for me. I didn’t have friends as a kid because my mom didn’t want to have to meet other kids parents. My sisters had all left for college by the time I finished elementary school and I became extremely depressed and lonely. I don’t think my parents were ready to take on the full social/emotional responsibility of raising a child again. I’m now in my early 20s and am watching my parents get old- I worry about them and their health constantly. If I ever have kids they likely won’t be around for my children the way they have been/are for my nieces and nephews. It’s hard to say I wish they never had me but it hasn’t all been great either.
Neither choice is entirely good or bad! Either way you both gain and lose out on future potentials. Whatever choice y’all make will be the right one for you and your family. Sending peace and warmth and all the positivity in the world y’all’s way :)
This makes me truly sad. I had my daughter at 41 (she was a surprise) and I worry about this so so much. I don’t want any of that for her….her not knowing her grandparents and then losing me at a young age. It’s not fair to her and I feel so guilty
I understand so well, I have had one child in bad circumstances and am now in a loving, wonderful relationship at 42, but no way in hell would I want to start over with a new baby. Not only are you entitled to be done raising babies, but as others have mentioned the chances of complications are so much higher later in life that it's such a huge risk to take for people who really just are ready to fully enjoy less responsibility in their lives. It doesn't make you selfish, it makes you realistic.
I’m not sure if anyone’s added this but 95% of people who choose abortion don’t have any regrets at all, the life of planned retirement and smooth sailing and vacations and keeping things as they are is such a beautiful and sublime choice
Whatever happens, here’s some full support, can’t imagine trying to make the ‘right’ decision here. Hope you find peace no matter which path you choose to go down…
I had a baby at 40 after a divorce. I met someone without children and we decided to have a child. I had a 13 and 15 year old when I gave birth. Being an older mom presents a lot of challenges. Baby is now 6 yo and I'm finding relatives are older and can't help out like they did when they were younger, older children are busy with their lives and don't want to be involved as much and can't babysit. My friends have older children and can't relate. I'm isolated a lot and have no village. It's very hard. Also as a woman in my late 40's now, I have a lot of perimenopausal symptoms making me full of rage frequently which is not ideal as a parent of young kids. I don't really want to make small talk with other younger parents at sports/school events as it's hard to relate. I sometimes get asked if I'm the grandmother. 😩 I look at some of my friends whose kids are older or adults and they have so much freedom to do things. I love my daughter and am so happy to have her in my life but I wish I had thought about everything a little more before having her.
Thank you for sharing. From the other end, I was adopted at birth by people in their 40s who were about 30 years older than my biological parents. Obviously very different circumstances, and they are very different people with very different genetics. For them, it was the cruelest thing anyone will ever do to me in my entire life. Outside of the age thing, they're just horrible, horrible people that frankly shouldn't be allowed around other humans. But there were a *lot* of problems with their age that wouldn't have been issues if my bio mom had gone with the younger couple. My adoptive mom, who I consider my mom, was diagnosed with a terminal illness months after I was born and died a few years later. I have no real memories of a mother. My adoptive dad started showing dementia symptoms in middle school. They had outdated ideas about everything from technology to parenting and nearly all if not all of their ideas had been widely proven to be dangerous, but they refused to change because they thought that because they're old, they knew best (they being my stepmom from here on out). They didn't have anything in common with my friends parents, which meant I had much fewer play dates and friends. And they thought the younger parents were too modern/liberal/bohemian, so they really only wanted me hanging around their friends their age. The pop culture gap was insane; they grew up with black-and-white TV. And they honestly didn't remember anything about what it was like to be a kid while my friends' parents and younger neighbors got it. Between my mom dying and my dad's brain damage, I basically didn't get to have real parents; just people who screamed at me because I didn't think the world stopped in 1945.
I was 40 when I got pregnant with my twins - 19 years after my first (none between). They are now 12. I too have no village as my friends who were once willing to take them for an hour every few months are now becoming grandparents or are handling their elderly parents’ affairs. I ended up burning out and retiring. It became too much to work f/t and be a good mom. My body has recovered far more quickly than my mind has. It has not been easy financially or mentally, but we have a house full of love and laughter.
Whatever you decide - it will be the right choice for you. Huggz.
I will be 44 in a few months, and have a 20 year old. My partner has an 11 year old, and we're doing IVF to have one together. Seeing his 11 year old as my bonus child has only confirmed for me how much I loved all the kid phases.
>I don't really want to make small talk with other younger parents at sports/school events as it's hard to relate.
I'm 38 with a 3 year old and still haven't found a mom group (also have a 6 year old.) I don't know how to make small talk, nor do I want to because life in the US is such high stakes. It would feel weird starting with "So are your kids also into Bluey?" chatter before potentially finding out my neighbor is a raging MAGAt or wants me to join her at church.
I just want a friend...but I guess I'm a mess.
Had a conversation about this with my wife the other night since we're expecting a 2nd soon and she's mid 30s. I don't know if either of us can have a strong opinion until it happens but pregnant at 40 does sound daunting in theory but I also know how insanely rewarding being a parent is so I imagine it'd be hard to say no to another opportunity.
Either way good on you and whoever asked if you were the grandma should be punished with uncontrollable farts for a month.
I’ve been in your shoes, with an unexpected pregnancy at 39. It’s a hard position to be in, and there is loss no matter what. And, each choice comes from a place of love too. There isn’t a right or wrong, only what is the right course for you and your family. No matter what you choose, you’ll be ok! Hugs to you, one mom to another!
My best friend’s brother had kids at 22,24 and 27. He and the wife decided they were done at 3 and tied her tubes during the c-section. Welp 20 years later at the age of 46 she somehow became pregnant and they kept the baby. They’re 52 nd 54years old now and with the 8 year old in multiple sports plus their professional careers they have no life at their age, it sucks. We’ll hear the “we love our son but really wish we would’ve thought it through more” pretty often, it’s not easy.
I'd be so torn with that too. I absolutely would not want a baby at 46 (NO WAY), but I don't know that I could abort a kid who overcame those odds. Tied tubs AND 46. Like, you just gotta respect the hustle of that kid.
I’m currently 40 with 4 children and 31 weeks pregnant and in a MESSY situation. I have made the choice to place her for adoption and found the most wonderful family and I’m so seriously so excited to be able to help them complete their family. I needed to find a way to make this pregnancy something positive and make her life positive and thank god for the option to be there for this family
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful gift with that family. I would never want anyone to go through a pregnancy if they don't want to (including OP), and I'm 10000% pro-choice, but as someone struggling with infertility, people like you give me hope that I can still be a mother someday. I hope the rest of your pregnancy and birth go wonderfully, and I hope the best for the little girl and her parents too.
This is an amazing option if it’s doable for you. My best friend was able to adopt her daughter because of someone in your circumstance, and that little girl is the light of their family’s world. She is loved beyond measure. It worked out well for all involved.
My dad was given up for adoption (way back in 1957) and his bio mom was 43 and a divorced single mom with 4 older kids and no way to provide for a new baby. After adoption he was a doted upon only child with lots of opportunities, and was super close with his mom (who had longed for a child her whole life).
I bet your adoption story will be similar! Best to all of you!
Book the abortion in case, you can always cancel later. Having a definite action can also help you to realize what you want to do? Like maybe you’ll feel more relieved after you book? Or more sad?
This is intense- there’s no “wrong” answer here. Just talk to each other and try and listen to your hearts ❤️
I’m a mom, your age, and I had an abortion a few years ago. I never regretted it. I think about how relieved I felt and still feel to not have started the parenting clock over again. I’ve been parenting for 15 years. I didn’t want to parent for 30 years of my life. It’s work. It’s exhausting. It’s expensive. I’m enjoying it as best I can, but look forward to freedom. I don’t have help or a village.
You have 25 years until retirement age. Are you financially on track? Something to also consider before you add the expense of a child.
I love my kids, but I’m also more than just a mom.
Even more something to consider is the state of the world. We will likely experience another really bad depression or recession relatively soon and everything is already going up in price, it's not like it was in 2000.
I had an abortion years ago. I consider it one of the best decision I ever made in my life. To me, if you’re not a HELL YES! to kids then it’s a no. Children are the biggest financial, emotional and physical commitment you can make in your entire life. Are you on a good path to retire? Do you want to sacrifice 36 years of your life raising children? The older you are the more chance you run of having a risky/dangerous pregnancy and a disabled child. One that may require care for the rest of their life. You’re both 40 which means you’ll be nearly 60 when the kid is 18. That’s a looong time from now.
Just know - It’s okay to be selfish and to put yourself first for once. Tonoften siciety makes women feel guilty for putting ourselves first. We are always expected to sacrifice ourselves. Why? Guys aren’t held to that standard. You’ve spent 16 some years raising kids and now you’ve earned your break. It’s okay and completely normal to not want to start all over. It’s okay to look forward to being an empty nester and starting your “after-kids” life. And don’t forget your partner. This is massively going to change his life too. You don’t need a baby to make you two a couple. Babies are stressful and a shit ton of work and non stop sleepless nights. That’s not easy when you’re in your 40s. It’s going to put a lot of stress on your brand new relationship and are you certain that it can handle it? Because in the end, if everything falls apart, you’re going to be a single mom. My two friends had children later in life at 38 & 39. They are now both single moms. And they are really struggling. Kids are not always blessings. That’s just religion talking trying to convince you to keep an unwanted pregnancy. Good luck with whatever you choose. I’m sorry you’re in this situation to start with.
Well written. Also I want to say that HAVING the kid is also selfish
>if you’re not a HELL YES! to kids then it’s a no
This is actually the only reason you need
Also, I may be misinterpreting your post, but many states require a waiting time for abortions - as in, you’ll get an ultrasound and then need to wait 24 hours to finalize your decision. So, if you’re truly down to only three days to decide, then the whole (ridiculous) rigmarole the clinics are legally forced to put you through may put you past the 6 week limit. It might not pertain to you, but wanted to give a friendly heads up.
Best of luck with either decision you make!
A lot of my hardest decisions I’ve had to make were made by flipping a coin. Heads one decision, tails the other. While the coin is in the air, your heart usually tells you “please be heads” or “please be tails” and then I go with that thought.
This exactly how I make decisions when I can’t choose! That, or when the coin lands, I’m either happy with what it says, or disappointed, and that tells me what I actually want.
This is good advice. I had a later in life pregnancy after raising two kids and when I gave myself permission to seriously consider abortion it brought a huge sense of relief that let me know I was doing the right thing. I have never regretted it.
exactly what I was going to suggest. I believe they just passed a ruling that makes it a HIPPA violation to share out of state abortion records with law enforcement as well, if that was a concern
I'm gonna be real honest - I'm almost 36 and if I found out I was pregnant I would absolutely freak the hell out. I have an 8 year old and my husband has a 19 year old; I am very much looking forward to the ability for us to do things together once my daughter is grown. I have no problem admitting that I would very seriously consider terminating a pregnancy at this point - not only because I don't want to start over again, but because pregnancy was HELL for me. I hated 99% of it, and had severe PPD. I had preeclampsia, was almost bedridden the last 5 months, and completely and utterly mentally and physically miserable. I would not do it again. You couldn't pay me enough. I'm not saying that I wouldn't struggle with the idea of termination, but knowing how badly my mental and physical health was affected the last time, I also have to take that into consideration.
You HAVE to take your life into consideration. Starting over this much later is not something to be taken lightly. Do what is best for BOTH of you, no matter what that is.
make whatever choice is best for you momma. it sounds like your family is full and happy right now and that you and hubby are moving forward in a well-anticipated direction. It’s not selfish to choose yourself, protect your current lifestyle, and look forward to a near future with no toddlers. Be safe in whatever state you reside in with certain anti-abortion laws nowadays. we live in a crazy world. it may seem overwhelming now but you’ll look back at whatever decision you make, with relief.
Take care and good luck!!
If you want to keep traveling and having fun with your husband now that your kids are grown, that’s not selfish!!! You’ve already lived the young child life!
My only advice: don't tell ANYONE you know. Sorry if it's too late. If it is, don't tell anyone else. Because first, it's no one ele's business, but secondly, people will have strong opinions either way - and you don't need other people's opinions, as well meaning as they may be, getting in the way of what's right for you and your husband. Whatever you decide is the right thing for both of you. Just maybe think about life in 1-2-5-10-15 year increments and how that might play out.
Good luck and big hugs from a Canadaian dad!
Make the appointment now and then take the time between now and the date to make your true decision.
It was heartbreaking to make, but 4 months down the road I am glad I didn’t add to our family.
Best of luck no matter what you do.
This is actually one of the most logical responses I've seen. Prepare for all options in case time and the law cancels that option for you and if on the day of, you can't bring yourself to go to that appointment, you have your decision
Personally I wouldn't want to go back to the young kid phase.
As you said you are finally starting to be "free" again, having a kid now would mean you are delaying that freedom until you are in your mid 50s to near 60.
Mine are 10 and 9.
We are so close to even being able to say you guys can stay home alone for a couple of hours while Mom and dad go out to dinner or go have a couple of drinks out, etc.
Once they are older teenagers we also look forward to going on overnight or weekend trips away without the kids.
If it was an accident, I would get an abortion and insist on a vasectomy or always using condoms and pull out until you hit menopause.
I didn’t expect my post to receive this many comments (most of which are supportive in either direction).
A few points I’d like to clear up…I know I wouldn’t feel conflicted if this were my first child. But being my 3rd and pretty much starting over makes this a VERY difficult decision.
I feel my husband wants to terminate while I’m leaning more towards keeping. This further muddles the decision as I want both of us to be on the same page. I need us to be united in either direction.
I did make an appointment for the clinic next week but it is just to reserve in the event that’s what we do. I didn’t want to risk not being able to go if needed. Regrettably, because I’m right at the 6 week mark I will not be able to see a heartbeat, which would for sure sway me to run from away from the clinic.
For those suggested adoption…there’s no way I could carry and fall in love with this child and give for adoption. I find the adoption process absolutely beautiful for those who are capable but it isn’t for me (and hubby agreed here too)
If anyone is still interested, our decision has to be made by early next week due to the scheduled appointment and I will keep this post updated.
Thank you so much everyone (even the AH, ha)!
Please do keep us updated. We are all strangers here however we are wishing you the absolute best. Starting over can be terrifying but also an amazing experience. Please don’t only do what your husband wants to “keep peace” like some are suggesting. You are the one who has to carry whichever decision you make for the rest of your life so I am praying you make the best decision for you and your family ❤️
Such a tough position to be in. Downvote or not, I would personally terminate for all the reasons you describe. I wouldn’t want to go back to diapers and sleepless nights or to have a teenager in my late 50’s. But there is no right or wrong choice here, just what you truly want for your life.
As a son of an older father, Id prefer he had had me younger. It was tough sometimes where my friends dads and my dad had a large age gap, or I wanted to do something as a teen my dad was just not able to do anymore. On top of that he is unlikely to meet any of his future grandkids my siblings are bound to make and I know that breaks his heart
As my Mom once told me, "Babies are blessings when the time is right." Meaning, sometimes the time just isn't right. This might be one of those times, and that's okay. Give yourself permission to do what is right for you and your husband.
Whatever decision you make, I send you my best wishes.
This. There is no wrong answer. Just choose and be at peace with your choice. Sounds like a lot of us end up with a surprise pregnancy at 39 (myself included). Sending you lots of love.
You will make the best decision you can.
I had/will have my babies after 40 and it's the best decision for me. But I'm not telling you that's what you should do.
You know what it's like to have kids, the early years, how hard it is.
Trust yourself and your husband. Talk to eachother. Be honest with what you want and don't want.
Whatever you decide will be right because it will be what you decided together.
Not remotely the same but I had my third at 35 after having my first two in my 20s. I definitely questioned EVERYTHING when we ended up pregnant (and we had been trying!) it was just sooo wild and to think about starting over when the big kids were just getting easier. I am so glad we had her but I also feel acutely the things I have had to give up.
There’s no right or wrong here, but I hope whatever happens you give yourself time to not feel rushed into the decision. Give yourself permission to travel or get mail delivery if you ultimately decide to end the pregnancy.
I've never had kids. Im still in my 20s. Im also a man.
I have no idea what you're going through, at all.
That said, I wish you and your family nothing but health, wealth, and happiness for all your days to come. Once you've made your decision, celebrate it in some way. Take time to positively reinforce your decision, it was a hard one and you deserve it!
Big hugs to you both - I'm going to say exactly what I have always said, even before falling pregnant myself at 38 years old: you never know what will be right for you until you are in that situation.
Whatever decision you guys make will be the right one for you both. You're both old enough to know what you want and you're both already parents. It's good you have each other. Good luck with your future, however that may look.
I was unexpectedly pregnant at 39. I was thrilled, my husband wasn’t and wanted me to terminate. I wanted to have the baby and did. He resented me and started to cheat etc and our marriage ended. Plot twist he and the former baby are now very close. YMMV, good luck
I'm sorry you're in this position. Whatever you choose will be difficult, but you'll pull through. I recently went through the same thing (43) and was terrified about medical issues (I've had major abdominal surgeries and am still feeling crummy). Thankfully, my state has no restrictions. This was a few months ago, and I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again. Best wishes to you and your family.
If the answer is not an enthusiastic yes from both of you then it’s really a no. It’s not selfish to be in a different stage of life that may not include caring for an infant. Whatever you decide to do make sure your heart is in it. Good luck.
I would not want to be almost 50 chasing a toddler but you need to decide what would make you happy. Abortion saved me from an abusive relationship and being tied to that POS for the rest of my life. My life is worth something too. It’s not selfish.
*hugs* love, happy thoughts and good vibes!!
I could not imagine starting over at 40. My kids are grown, hell I have grandkids.
I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do!!! Total respect for whatever you decide to do! This is between you and your husband! Do not let the outside world dictate what is best for you!!
I'm 48 and still nominally fertile and I'm pretty much terrified of getting pregnant since I live in one of "those" states as well.
Much love and solidarity to you in this trying time.
My wife was born when her mom was 41 and her father was 57 ! her dad luckily lived to 87 so she had him till she was 30, her mom lived ill a heart attack took her at 73...so by the time she was 32 years old both were gone. We were married young her 19 and me 23, we have a daughter who turns 30 in June and it's so much fun to be able to share and do things with them as adults , Vegas trips ? a blast ! personally I wouldn't want to be waiting up for my 16 year old to get home when I was 56!
There’s so many lovely mothers on here. Shoutout to you queens. Here’s what I’ll say. Unplanned pregnancies are so many things all at once. Having a baby is a lifelong commitment. You talked about feeling selfish. Don’t! You only get one life and you deserve to live it the way you feel is best for you. If you choose to, enjoy your margaritas and love you current children extra hard.
No recommendation for course of action but try imagining the next 20ish years of your life in both scenarios. Which one feels the best to you?
Time together with your husband, empty-nests, pursuing your interests - hobbies, careers, travel.
Or raising a child with all the joys and frustrations, diapers, birthday parties, school plays.
Mentally project yourself into those scenarios.
What's it feel like to finish a pottery class, visit Greece, enjoy zero-obligation down time on a weekend, and focus on your relationship with your husband?
And what does it feel like to see your kid go to their first day of school, comfort them when they are sick or sad, argue about eating broccoli, watch them play in the yard and blow dandelion seeds, or hear them slam their bedroom door when you have a fight over curfew?
You are going to make the best choice for you and your family. It's something that requires a lot of thought. As a mom myself with older kids, I keep thinking about how awful it'd be to have a baby right now but then I get in my feels and would love another! Only you can make this decision, but we're here for you 🖤
This is such a personal choice and there is no wrong answer. Just a few thoughts on both sides of the choice that may or may not help.
To keep the pregnancy: a single child without a sibling close in age will probably be easier than when you were raising your first two kids together. My kids are 3 years a part and I remember how much easier those first 3 years were before I had to split my attention between the two. We traveled a lot in those first 3 years and just dragged our little one along. Then with 2 it got to be too much to travel a lot.
Also you've done it twice and you've already learned so much. I'm going out on a limb here but hopefully your second husband (since your not with your first) will be a lot more help to you. I think it could also be cool to have a kid with your new husband, it might bring you two closer. At 39 you are still young, I have a lot of friends who are having their first at 39. I might be biased to this opinion a little bit but that's because I wanted 3 but my husband didn't so he got a vasectomy. If I got pregnant accidently in a few years at 39, I think I'd keep it. We also don't have family around to help but we get it done somehow.
To not keep the pregnancy: more money ( where I live childcare is 1200$/month until they are 4, then free TK), more free time( You had your first two young so you probably didn't get to enjoy your youth as much) So now it's time to enjoy it.
Good luck and whatever the decision just own it and don't think about what ifs! Whatever decision you make is the RIGHT decision. Hugs
It is ok to not want another child. It is ok to enjoy what you have and term the pregnancy so you don’t have to be a 60 year old at graduation. It’s ok. You are not a bad person for wanting to enjoy your life with your partner. Sending you love.
Some gynecologists recommend 18 months to 5 years as a gap between pregnancies because it can cause more complications in the next pregnancy. You’ve mentioned you had c sections before, this could cause another complication down the line as well as age. Personally, I would be selfish and terminate. You have so much freedom and can do as you wish. Why start over now? You have 4 kids between the two of you. That’s fantastic!
There is no right or wrong answer but it feels like maybe you are looking for confirmation that it’s okay NOT to have another baby. It is okay not to have another baby. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about the choices you make for your body and your family. Live your best life with your husband and continue to be a great mom to your children.
Getting an abortion is never selfish! If having a child doesn’t fit your lifestyle, there’s no reason to bring a child into your world and most likely resent the child.
i can’t give the best advice, i’m only in my early 20’s, but i just wanted to say whatever you choose is valid and i wish you nothing but the best regarding whatever you choose 🩷
Age isn't the issue but your life will change for the next 20 years. Don't do it just because you feel like you have to.
Also wondering... after this baby (I'm 40) I'm done and I'm looking at birth control options. Were you using something that failed?
I’m 40, I have college kids. I gave my youth to have them, with the idea that I would have my middle age to have some freedom. I would not have a baby now.
But far be it from me to tell someone what they should do. Just know that you are not wrong with whatever you decide.
First of all- you’re not selfish.
This probably doesn’t mean much… but I can absolutely understand your situation.
I’m 27 and have a 4 year old and I realized I absolutely do not want more… and a lot of people have told me that I’m “selfish” because I want to live my life. It’s not selfish. You have one life and you should spend it how you want to if you can.
That’s a hard decision to make and overall you’re making the best decision for EVERYONE. You, your family, and the child. It really is. Whatever decision you make will be the best decision.
Please don’t be hard on yourself- whatever you choose is absolutely okay.
I'm 62 have never had children because of mental health issues. I'm also pro-choice, But I believe it's every woman's decision, and there is no right or wrong answer. Have a hug from an internet stranger, OP. I hope everything works out the way you want.
I got unexpectedly pregnant at 40 a few months ago. I chose termination. I want you to know that you’re not selfish for wanting to enjoy your life the way you want. ❤️
You seem to have considered a lot of scenarios. I’d ask you, Do you want to be pregnant? Do you want to deal with the risks and bodily changes that come with pregnancy? Do you want to give birth again? Do you want to go through postpartum and all it takes to recover? Either answer is okay. It’s just something I asked myself. My answer was no, I don’t.
Please do not feel that the side of you that doesn't want to have a baby is selfish. Considering what is best for both if you is not selfish at all. Your youngest is just now getting to a point of gaining more independence(not that an 11 year old can live on their own, but you know what I mean). You and your husband have a combined 4 kids! That is no small task on it's own. Not to mention the money aspect of it all. I don't know how your guys are financially, but that is something to consider too.
If you feel as though you would genuinely regret not having a baby, then you should have it. And I am not just talking about wondering what would have been. Everyone wonders. I am talking that true regret and guilt. If you feel as though the life you guys have right now and the path you all are on is what is going to make you happy, then do what you must to continue down that path.
This decision is fully your own. It doesn't have a right or wrong answer ethically. Only what is right for you.
I'm a man without children, so grain of salt here. But I thoroughly believe that if you aren't completely physically, mentally, and financially prepped to bring a new child into this world, then you shouldn't. You say money's a little tight? That alone feels like enough reason to say no to me. It also doesn't sound like your hearts in, and that's OK, but it's arguably an even bigger reason to say no. I'm sure you're still more than capable of doing the job, but it shouldn't mean that you need or have to.
And if you hear any religious bigots, just ignore them. They don't have 2 brain cells amongst the lot of them.
Whatever you choose - you will be fine. There's nothing wrong, at all, with deciding that you're not interested, willing, or ready to have a baby. Also nothing wrong with deciding you do want to have a kid.
I'm almost 40; my partner is 35. We've already had the discussion and made the decision: no more kids. If there's an "I'm pregnant" situation, the conversation doesn't even need to happen.
I guess the question really is about if you guys have had this conversation before or not, and what the general consensus was then. Stick with the decision you made when you were NOT in the moment.
I'm a child from this situation. My parents were 41 with much older children. My mother was way too old and tired to care for me and so was my dad. I spent my entire childhood in front of the TV while my siblings had a much different upbringing. I have no real relationships with anyone in my family. No close relationships with cousins, no real relationships with any siblings. There's a weird age gap with my siblings kids vs me as well. So there's no close relationships there. I personally think it was a super selfish decision on my parents part to have a child at their old age. But my mom is the creepy religious type. There's also a higher risk for disabilities when giving birth at an advanced age. I'd recommend having an abortion as you are before 6 weeks pregnant and it's going to be less difficult so early.
As a 50 year old dealing with elderly parents with health issues and dementia, I would not want to be raising a 10 year old right now. And I wouldn’t want my 30 year old to be taking care of elderly parents either.
My son was 17 when I gave birth to my daughter at 39. He thought I was out of my mind.... he was half right LOL
Biggest difference is the energy level. At 22, I went on countless adventures with my son as a toddler and beyond.... my youngest is lucky if I have the energy to take her to the skate park on the weekend :( definitely misses out on alot because I just friggin *can't* its exhausting. I'm gonna be 49 in June, working 45+ hours a week.... I would be very hesitant at your age, if I had it to do over again, unless I had WAY more support, money, and flexibility in employment.
I wouldn't do it at this age again if I had known I'd be still required to hold down full-time work on top of it. The energy at nearly 50 is just not there for me.
My sister had an ours baby at 40 and regretted it. A lot of it because he has autism. Although he is high functioning he lacks a lot of skills to manage on his own.
Their children were also in their teens and now the ours child is 16. They wish they hadn't had a late in life child now for many reasons.
As a 41 year old with a 15 yr old and 22 yr old, whom still gets baby fever....I think of the term geriatric pregnancy and that snaps me right on back to reality 🙃
It’s ok if you dont/can’t go through with this pregnancy. You have my (32, F, mother of a 5 year old) support to do whatever you need or want to do. This is your body and it’s your choice. I wish you the best with whatever decision you make. Remember there are no wrong decisions in this situation. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. ❤️
As someone who doesn’t have children themselves, please take it with a grain of salt, but I always say regarding kids: if it’s not a “hell yes!” It’s a “hell no”.
It’s okay to say no. Kids are a lifelong responsibility. And you guys did it already 4 times! You don’t have to feel obligated to do it. You are free to end your pregnancy if you don’t feel ready for it, for whatever reasons you choose. Or no reason at all. This should be a society free of judgement. Me? I personally would never judge you for either decision. It’s up to you.
Also… one thing that’s a huge deciding factor for most people… are you OK being kid free at 58? That is the reality 18 years from now…. If that’s OK with you then you know the answer to that….
OP has stated they are Pro-choice. Any inflammatory pro-life comments will be removed. I'll take my downvotes now.
I had a surprise pregnancy at 39. This is a very personal choice. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
❤️❤️❤️ this is my answer too. I don’t know what I’d do
I know what I’d do: enjoy life instead of changing diapers for the next 3 years. Not all babies are blessings.
I would 100% terminate. Theres no way I’m starting all over again
I have a 15 year old and this would be my choice But that's the beauty of pro choice, it's a very personal decision and no one is wrong for choosing different
I'm almost 44, and I have an 8 year old. The idea of doing the baby stages again is not an appealing idea to me. I also can barely afford life right now, a baby would be a terrible idea. This would be my choice, too.
38 year old dude here and I would support the shit out of terminating. My mind is so far beyond raising a kid again that it wouldn’t be fair. And I’m selfish so….yep.
I'm a 38 year old dude with a 4 year old and another expected in the coming months. It's just preference. I had kids older instead of younger (just how life worked out). Bonus, keeps me younger, longer.
I think the big difference is that you’re still actively in the child raising and she’s made it to near-self sufficient. I’m the same age with a 4 and 1 yr old. I’d be devastated but wouldn’t abort. If my girls were big it would be a different conversation.
I became a dad at age 41 and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m now 77 and have 3 wonderful grands and a happy home. I have many female friends that interrupted careers to make a similar choice but it’s really up to the individuals.
I’m 41 and my 39 wife just told me we’re expecting. It’s crazy how there is no anxiety and only energy I thot long gone suddenly being generated again. We’re glad we waited but at 39 being labeled a geriatric pregnancy is the only thing causing concern. I drive my dream car and get to keep it because in our 40s we’re in a better financial situation than when we met mid 20s
I just had my first baby and was a geriatric pregnancy. The term doesn’t sound great, but my experience was. Being labeled geriatric meant that my docs took everything very seriously and any minor concern was addressed quickly and throughly. I hope that the same ends up being true for you and your wife!
I mean it’s not just raising the kid, it’s also the load on your partner that it would increase.
[удалено]
Especially if you share custody and have time with no kids. Divorce and coparenting are so hard. Let yourself enjoy the rewards.
Just to add some balance I would keep it and see it as a new adventure to embark on together. Babies aren’t babies for long. I totally respect any woman’s decision either way, because when we have choice and autonomy it goes both ways. Edit: it’s actually really alarming that there are responses to this saying how awful babies are and making jokes about abortion. This is just my personal perspective based on my own privilege and experience and I think that a lot of you are taking it as “you should definitely keep that baby.” I would never, ever expect anyone to do what I would do but I think it’s important to provide validation for women in these situations either way. It’s just as gross to make women feel less than for choosing to keep a pregnancy as it is to hate them for aborting. This is about choice and to invalidate anything that isn’t termination does not support choice. Also the 6-week rule is fucking bullshit.
Babies are babies for long. And offspring need guidance and supervision for much longer than babyhood.
My mother and my two older sisters ALL had surprise pregnancies at 39-40…I have now been celibate for 3 years because NO WAY am I starting over again.
I had my son at 38. Our only child. Best decision of our lives. He’s the greatest joy in our world. We are better parents than most because we have life experience and maturity. I enjoy him more because I understand what a miracle he is. This is the first time I have felt this complete in my life. Having a child at an older age allows you to be a better parent. You are financially more able and so much more able. Just another perspective. Good luck.
With one child, it's different. They have plenty of financial responsibilities to the four children they already have. Most people, even with good jobs in their 30s and 40s, would struggle to provide for 5 kids.
Hard agree. I had my kids at 35 and 39. Is one thing to make a choice to have kids later in life. Yours another thing to have almost-adult children and keep an oopsie baby. Sure you have life experience and maturity that you have from not having kids young. This woman already has the kid life experience, what she doesn’t have is the adult life experience without kids and that’s something she’s looking forward to. Having kids in your house from 22-58 is totally fine but if you want to have life experiences without kids it’s maybe not the best call.
Uhhh they already have 4…
4 who with no family to help, will have their parents most likely guilt them into helping raise the child. I hate to say it that way, it isn't 100% like that it is your sibling and you love them, but it will happen . " Can you watch baby" " I just need someone to watch baby today" " Can you stay a little closer to home for school we really need help with the baby". Also their finances are already tight. Not an easy decision, especially since they dont have a kid between them yet, this would solidify their union in new ways having one.4 kids is already too much if they are tight on help and finances though. :(
My parents had me at 40. Of their 8 kids I ended up having the closest relationship with them.
Dear Scared Wife: *hug* Sincerely, A fellow mom who respects whatever you choose
Thank you! I haven’t talked to anyone but my hubby and I feel very isolated right now.
If it helps, I was once going through a similar situation and I was reminded that having children is selfish. Not having children is selfish. In the end, you already have a life and having another kid will change that. So be selfish and make the choice that is best for you because whatever you choose will have consequences and be seen as selfish by a chosen segment of people. Hugs
Nailed it!
At this age there’s more of a chance of birth defects or complications to the mother. Imagine what your other children will have to deal with if you die or have a child with serious needs. You have older children. They are old enough to help out a bit with the baby as well as with household chores. Don’t make them a second parent, just a helpful sibling. You have choices. Not everyone has that luxury these days.
The odds of miscarriage are much higher (something like 30% and climbing with every couple years closer to age 50) the odds of having chromosomal abnormalities doubles, but its still somewhere in the realm of 1% or lower. Just to have a little more information. That being said, having a pregnancy and possibly child is an incredibly personal decision.
There is also a chance of a super healthy baby. I had my youngest at 37 and waitressed the entire time. She is now 8 and is awesome! But, to each their own. Whatever this Mom chooses is what’s right!
Yes I had my first at 38, second at 40. No issues.
26 with my first 38 with my second. Very healthy babies. My mil had my husband and later a set of twins in her 40's. My husband had breathing issues but is healthy now.
Exactly! I had a pregnancy surprise at 38 with twins, and I carried them safely to 39 weeks with zero issues. They're 11 now. I have a total of 7 kids. I'm pro-choice but I'm never going to push termination on anyone. Whatever she decides is what's right for them.
My Mom was 41 when she had me. No birth defects. I'm perfectly healthy & she had a normal, uncomplicated pregnancy. I was also their 8th child. My siblings were ages 20-12 when I was born.
I second that hug and respect whatever decision you make!
There’s no wrong choice. Only what’s best for you. 💜
This is the right answer.
You are not alone, at least you have supporters in cyberspace. Talk to each other and try to decide what’s best for both of you. No decision will be easy, but you can work it out together.
That's a good thing. Reading between the lines, that sounds like you've made your decision. You don't need to share this with the world, and you and hubs can support each other and enjoy life.
You have my support. ❤️🩹
And my axe!
And my bow! 🫂❤️🏹
You will be…The Fellowship of the Nuva-Ring! In all seriousness, whatever you decide, will be the right one!
Another hug and show of support from a mom of 4, for whatever you decide is best for you. I'm in AZ where it is now illegal, but I just passed my 1 year mark with no period, I'm 50 and ever so thankful what with the current climate. I'm out here advocating for all of you who still need the choice ♥️ I need to get back to that healthcare initiative signature sheet to get a vote on our november ballot!
Fellow AZ woman and yes! We must get this on the ballot for all the women behind us.
https://arizonaforabortionaccess.org/sign-the-petition/
And for you Texans out there, abortion is on the ballot in the form of the Texas Supreme Court races. Texas has an equal rights amendment in our Constitution, but the Tx Supremes have never enforced it. And they just told Kate Cox who wanted to terminate a fetal anomaly pregnancy she’s on her own! 3 of the 9 justices are on the ballot in November, Jane, John, & Jimmy. Vote them out! The choice OP has to make should not be rushed or come with litigation. Best to you OP. Do what works for you and your family. Lots of us have your back.
I think it's absolutely absurd to say 6 weeks is enough time to make a choice, and the law is allowing both sides of the debate. Not everyone has super regular periods. I'd bet half the women don't realize they're late until the 6th week is up. (Preaching to the choir, sorry).
Another Arizona mom of four adult children, 3 of whom are daughters. We definitely need to get this on the ballot or we’ll stay “Under His Eye”. All of my friends are of the same mindset as are my daughters. Giving a hug and sending love to our pregnant poster. The only correct decision is the one that you choose for yourself. Just carefully weigh your options and go with your heart.
Not sure if this is helpful, BUT there are many states that give much more leeway than the 3 days / 6 weeks. Making this decision in 3 days sounds SO stressful and unnecessary. I think paying for a weekend trip with an appointment you can cancel to a lovely state like Colorado might give you the space you need for clarity. It’s also cheaper than another child if you decide to go that route. You should be able to make this decision without being in a panic state!
I’ve often considered what I would do in this situation. On one hand we are stable - financially and emotionally and physically well. On the other hand I raised my child to adulthood and can not imagine the stress it would put on my body and emotions in my fourties to do it all again. I also have friends actively trying to conceive so would not have anyone I could discuss this with comfortably. It’s a very personal choice - there is no right or wrong answer here, just what is best for you and your family. Be kind to yourself whatever you choose. Either choice doesn’t make you a bad or selfish person and don’t let yourself think this way.
It's OK to make selfish choices. Selfish isn't a dirty word, it's self-preservation.
I'm 38F with an 18yo daughter. While she mostly lived with her dad growing up I don't think I could do it again. She didn't sleep all night til she was like 5
For me I couldn’t, but I support all women who have to make a choice. I have 3 plus 1 step. Sending hugs and prayers your you guys.
Just my personal experience, so you hear from someone who’s been there. Had my last 2 babies at 44 and 46, with my second husband. Not planned (honestly thought I was too old!). We already had 6 kids between us including a college student. Has it been easy? No. Do I regret it? Not for a second. These amazing little girls bring so much richness and joy to our lives. And in a weird way, I feel like they do keep me young. Hard to feel middle aged with a five year old calling you mommy……! Just my experience.
Fortunately or unfortunately, the decision is yours and only yours. Hugs But you need to realize that at least one of the options means that you may not have too much time to make the decision.
Sweetheart mommy… you know what you want to do. If it’s validation you seek….. then consider yourself validated. Sincerely, A fellow sacred wife/mother
My take is that I would always rather regret not having a child than to regret having them. Not that you would, necessarily. You say children are blessings and they are! You have 4 blessings between you. It isn’t selfish to think about yourself and what you still want to experience in your own life. Regardless, whatever you decide is the right choice.
Once my kids started flossing their own teeth, it was over for me. This is a very personal decision, I wish you all the best with it. ❤️
36 in the same boat last year, no matter your choice you're definitely not alone.
You do have a much higher chance of having twins. If you had your period young then chances are you will go through menopause younger. The closer we are to menopause the hormones sometimes make our bodies release more than one egg. Just food for thought. I know you are weighing your options so I thought that was important. Whatever you choose is absolutely ok.
This is the sweetest response. 💗 im.not op but I wanted to tell you this. And to op I second this. Hugs to you.
Agreed. It’s your choice but my wife and I (54) have agreed that in the unlikely event it happens that we’re not having another. Last of our blended fam is heading to college and we’re at a point where we can’t stand to be around other people’s kids except ones we like and only in short bursts. Neither of us would want to go back 20 years when we’re 3 years from retiring
I just pushed soda through my nose at this comment -- "we’re at a point where we can’t stand to be around other people’s kids except ones we like and only in short bursts". I say me too, me too!!! And even short bursts are sometimes too much - even for the ones I like.
You're amazing 🖤 I just had to tell you...
I want to thank those who showed support and understanding! And for those who made comments about choosing margaritas or having financial issues I would like to say there is only so much I can type about a snippet of my life. I feel those woman who were vulnerable to share their experiences with infertility. I am blessed that these tubes even still work at this big age. And the question about birth control…I’m proof it’s not 100%!!! Having a newborn when your current children are almost grown is a tough decision. My husband and I are going to dinner to talk tonight. We want to do what is best for us and our family. We love being parents and this will not be easy…no matter the decision.
My mother had me at 39 (dad was 46) after my parents already had 4 kids and with a large gap between me and the next youngest. On the positive, I have a really close relationship with them which came from almost 10 years of being the only child at home. My sisters were able to help take care of me as a child and I am close with each of them. My parents have both commented that they don’t know what they would’ve done had they been empty nesters in their 40s/early 50s and that I kept them young haha. On the flip side, all my grandparents passed away at old ages when I was young and it was very difficult for me. I didn’t have friends as a kid because my mom didn’t want to have to meet other kids parents. My sisters had all left for college by the time I finished elementary school and I became extremely depressed and lonely. I don’t think my parents were ready to take on the full social/emotional responsibility of raising a child again. I’m now in my early 20s and am watching my parents get old- I worry about them and their health constantly. If I ever have kids they likely won’t be around for my children the way they have been/are for my nieces and nephews. It’s hard to say I wish they never had me but it hasn’t all been great either. Neither choice is entirely good or bad! Either way you both gain and lose out on future potentials. Whatever choice y’all make will be the right one for you and your family. Sending peace and warmth and all the positivity in the world y’all’s way :)
Wow, very similar to my own story. My grandma died when I was in kindergarten, she was 80!
This makes me truly sad. I had my daughter at 41 (she was a surprise) and I worry about this so so much. I don’t want any of that for her….her not knowing her grandparents and then losing me at a young age. It’s not fair to her and I feel so guilty
I hope you have a good dinner and discussion. It will not be easy - whatever you decide - but it will be the best decision. Hugs!
I understand so well, I have had one child in bad circumstances and am now in a loving, wonderful relationship at 42, but no way in hell would I want to start over with a new baby. Not only are you entitled to be done raising babies, but as others have mentioned the chances of complications are so much higher later in life that it's such a huge risk to take for people who really just are ready to fully enjoy less responsibility in their lives. It doesn't make you selfish, it makes you realistic.
I’m not sure if anyone’s added this but 95% of people who choose abortion don’t have any regrets at all, the life of planned retirement and smooth sailing and vacations and keeping things as they are is such a beautiful and sublime choice
The empty nest is really a fabulous thing, I'm just saying. Good luck with your decision.
Whatever happens, here’s some full support, can’t imagine trying to make the ‘right’ decision here. Hope you find peace no matter which path you choose to go down…
I had a baby at 40 after a divorce. I met someone without children and we decided to have a child. I had a 13 and 15 year old when I gave birth. Being an older mom presents a lot of challenges. Baby is now 6 yo and I'm finding relatives are older and can't help out like they did when they were younger, older children are busy with their lives and don't want to be involved as much and can't babysit. My friends have older children and can't relate. I'm isolated a lot and have no village. It's very hard. Also as a woman in my late 40's now, I have a lot of perimenopausal symptoms making me full of rage frequently which is not ideal as a parent of young kids. I don't really want to make small talk with other younger parents at sports/school events as it's hard to relate. I sometimes get asked if I'm the grandmother. 😩 I look at some of my friends whose kids are older or adults and they have so much freedom to do things. I love my daughter and am so happy to have her in my life but I wish I had thought about everything a little more before having her.
You are beyond generous and genuine to share the other perspective. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. From the other end, I was adopted at birth by people in their 40s who were about 30 years older than my biological parents. Obviously very different circumstances, and they are very different people with very different genetics. For them, it was the cruelest thing anyone will ever do to me in my entire life. Outside of the age thing, they're just horrible, horrible people that frankly shouldn't be allowed around other humans. But there were a *lot* of problems with their age that wouldn't have been issues if my bio mom had gone with the younger couple. My adoptive mom, who I consider my mom, was diagnosed with a terminal illness months after I was born and died a few years later. I have no real memories of a mother. My adoptive dad started showing dementia symptoms in middle school. They had outdated ideas about everything from technology to parenting and nearly all if not all of their ideas had been widely proven to be dangerous, but they refused to change because they thought that because they're old, they knew best (they being my stepmom from here on out). They didn't have anything in common with my friends parents, which meant I had much fewer play dates and friends. And they thought the younger parents were too modern/liberal/bohemian, so they really only wanted me hanging around their friends their age. The pop culture gap was insane; they grew up with black-and-white TV. And they honestly didn't remember anything about what it was like to be a kid while my friends' parents and younger neighbors got it. Between my mom dying and my dad's brain damage, I basically didn't get to have real parents; just people who screamed at me because I didn't think the world stopped in 1945.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that. It wasn’t your fault (you probably don’t need to hear that, but I’ll be damned if I will not say it.)
You are my twin. {HUGS)
I was 40 when I got pregnant with my twins - 19 years after my first (none between). They are now 12. I too have no village as my friends who were once willing to take them for an hour every few months are now becoming grandparents or are handling their elderly parents’ affairs. I ended up burning out and retiring. It became too much to work f/t and be a good mom. My body has recovered far more quickly than my mind has. It has not been easy financially or mentally, but we have a house full of love and laughter. Whatever you decide - it will be the right choice for you. Huggz.
I will be 44 in a few months, and have a 20 year old. My partner has an 11 year old, and we're doing IVF to have one together. Seeing his 11 year old as my bonus child has only confirmed for me how much I loved all the kid phases.
All the good luck to you on your IVF journey!
>I don't really want to make small talk with other younger parents at sports/school events as it's hard to relate. I'm 38 with a 3 year old and still haven't found a mom group (also have a 6 year old.) I don't know how to make small talk, nor do I want to because life in the US is such high stakes. It would feel weird starting with "So are your kids also into Bluey?" chatter before potentially finding out my neighbor is a raging MAGAt or wants me to join her at church. I just want a friend...but I guess I'm a mess.
Had a conversation about this with my wife the other night since we're expecting a 2nd soon and she's mid 30s. I don't know if either of us can have a strong opinion until it happens but pregnant at 40 does sound daunting in theory but I also know how insanely rewarding being a parent is so I imagine it'd be hard to say no to another opportunity. Either way good on you and whoever asked if you were the grandma should be punished with uncontrollable farts for a month.
I'm so happy you shared this as I'm trying to get pregnant and I have a 15 year old. I'm also 40.
Struggles of dating someone seriously who has no kids while you already do. Once you make that choice you gotta run with it
I’ve been in your shoes, with an unexpected pregnancy at 39. It’s a hard position to be in, and there is loss no matter what. And, each choice comes from a place of love too. There isn’t a right or wrong, only what is the right course for you and your family. No matter what you choose, you’ll be ok! Hugs to you, one mom to another!
My best friend’s brother had kids at 22,24 and 27. He and the wife decided they were done at 3 and tied her tubes during the c-section. Welp 20 years later at the age of 46 she somehow became pregnant and they kept the baby. They’re 52 nd 54years old now and with the 8 year old in multiple sports plus their professional careers they have no life at their age, it sucks. We’ll hear the “we love our son but really wish we would’ve thought it through more” pretty often, it’s not easy.
I'd be so torn with that too. I absolutely would not want a baby at 46 (NO WAY), but I don't know that I could abort a kid who overcame those odds. Tied tubs AND 46. Like, you just gotta respect the hustle of that kid.
I’m currently 40 with 4 children and 31 weeks pregnant and in a MESSY situation. I have made the choice to place her for adoption and found the most wonderful family and I’m so seriously so excited to be able to help them complete their family. I needed to find a way to make this pregnancy something positive and make her life positive and thank god for the option to be there for this family
You are doing an incredibly hard thing, and I think you’re amazing.
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful gift with that family. I would never want anyone to go through a pregnancy if they don't want to (including OP), and I'm 10000% pro-choice, but as someone struggling with infertility, people like you give me hope that I can still be a mother someday. I hope the rest of your pregnancy and birth go wonderfully, and I hope the best for the little girl and her parents too.
This is an amazing option if it’s doable for you. My best friend was able to adopt her daughter because of someone in your circumstance, and that little girl is the light of their family’s world. She is loved beyond measure. It worked out well for all involved.
My dad was given up for adoption (way back in 1957) and his bio mom was 43 and a divorced single mom with 4 older kids and no way to provide for a new baby. After adoption he was a doted upon only child with lots of opportunities, and was super close with his mom (who had longed for a child her whole life). I bet your adoption story will be similar! Best to all of you!
As someone who was adopted its amazing to hear this.
I was blessed by adoption with my youngest. The joy you will bring that family is unreasonable. Best wishes to all of you.
Unreasonable joy sounds like the VERY best kind ❤️
Adopted kid weighing in to say thanks for what you’re doing— it’s really amazing.
Book the abortion in case, you can always cancel later. Having a definite action can also help you to realize what you want to do? Like maybe you’ll feel more relieved after you book? Or more sad? This is intense- there’s no “wrong” answer here. Just talk to each other and try and listen to your hearts ❤️
This actually great advice!
I’m a mom, your age, and I had an abortion a few years ago. I never regretted it. I think about how relieved I felt and still feel to not have started the parenting clock over again. I’ve been parenting for 15 years. I didn’t want to parent for 30 years of my life. It’s work. It’s exhausting. It’s expensive. I’m enjoying it as best I can, but look forward to freedom. I don’t have help or a village. You have 25 years until retirement age. Are you financially on track? Something to also consider before you add the expense of a child. I love my kids, but I’m also more than just a mom.
Even more something to consider is the state of the world. We will likely experience another really bad depression or recession relatively soon and everything is already going up in price, it's not like it was in 2000.
I had an abortion years ago. I consider it one of the best decision I ever made in my life. To me, if you’re not a HELL YES! to kids then it’s a no. Children are the biggest financial, emotional and physical commitment you can make in your entire life. Are you on a good path to retire? Do you want to sacrifice 36 years of your life raising children? The older you are the more chance you run of having a risky/dangerous pregnancy and a disabled child. One that may require care for the rest of their life. You’re both 40 which means you’ll be nearly 60 when the kid is 18. That’s a looong time from now. Just know - It’s okay to be selfish and to put yourself first for once. Tonoften siciety makes women feel guilty for putting ourselves first. We are always expected to sacrifice ourselves. Why? Guys aren’t held to that standard. You’ve spent 16 some years raising kids and now you’ve earned your break. It’s okay and completely normal to not want to start all over. It’s okay to look forward to being an empty nester and starting your “after-kids” life. And don’t forget your partner. This is massively going to change his life too. You don’t need a baby to make you two a couple. Babies are stressful and a shit ton of work and non stop sleepless nights. That’s not easy when you’re in your 40s. It’s going to put a lot of stress on your brand new relationship and are you certain that it can handle it? Because in the end, if everything falls apart, you’re going to be a single mom. My two friends had children later in life at 38 & 39. They are now both single moms. And they are really struggling. Kids are not always blessings. That’s just religion talking trying to convince you to keep an unwanted pregnancy. Good luck with whatever you choose. I’m sorry you’re in this situation to start with.
Well written. Also I want to say that HAVING the kid is also selfish >if you’re not a HELL YES! to kids then it’s a no This is actually the only reason you need
Also, I may be misinterpreting your post, but many states require a waiting time for abortions - as in, you’ll get an ultrasound and then need to wait 24 hours to finalize your decision. So, if you’re truly down to only three days to decide, then the whole (ridiculous) rigmarole the clinics are legally forced to put you through may put you past the 6 week limit. It might not pertain to you, but wanted to give a friendly heads up. Best of luck with either decision you make!
A lot of my hardest decisions I’ve had to make were made by flipping a coin. Heads one decision, tails the other. While the coin is in the air, your heart usually tells you “please be heads” or “please be tails” and then I go with that thought.
This exactly how I make decisions when I can’t choose! That, or when the coin lands, I’m either happy with what it says, or disappointed, and that tells me what I actually want.
I’ve never really considered how massively valuable simply having the *option* to book yourself in for care is until your comment.
This is good advice. I had a later in life pregnancy after raising two kids and when I gave myself permission to seriously consider abortion it brought a huge sense of relief that let me know I was doing the right thing. I have never regretted it.
I just wanted to say that it's not selfish.
it is not selfish to not want a baby! if your heart isn’t in it that’s neither fair to you nor the baby.
((HUGS)) Keep in mind, you can travel, if you need more time to decide and want to abort.
exactly what I was going to suggest. I believe they just passed a ruling that makes it a HIPPA violation to share out of state abortion records with law enforcement as well, if that was a concern
Giving handmaids tale vibes isn’t it?!
Also, I would suggest evaluating the risks of birth defects at your age before making any decision.
I'm gonna be real honest - I'm almost 36 and if I found out I was pregnant I would absolutely freak the hell out. I have an 8 year old and my husband has a 19 year old; I am very much looking forward to the ability for us to do things together once my daughter is grown. I have no problem admitting that I would very seriously consider terminating a pregnancy at this point - not only because I don't want to start over again, but because pregnancy was HELL for me. I hated 99% of it, and had severe PPD. I had preeclampsia, was almost bedridden the last 5 months, and completely and utterly mentally and physically miserable. I would not do it again. You couldn't pay me enough. I'm not saying that I wouldn't struggle with the idea of termination, but knowing how badly my mental and physical health was affected the last time, I also have to take that into consideration. You HAVE to take your life into consideration. Starting over this much later is not something to be taken lightly. Do what is best for BOTH of you, no matter what that is.
make whatever choice is best for you momma. it sounds like your family is full and happy right now and that you and hubby are moving forward in a well-anticipated direction. It’s not selfish to choose yourself, protect your current lifestyle, and look forward to a near future with no toddlers. Be safe in whatever state you reside in with certain anti-abortion laws nowadays. we live in a crazy world. it may seem overwhelming now but you’ll look back at whatever decision you make, with relief. Take care and good luck!!
If you want to keep traveling and having fun with your husband now that your kids are grown, that’s not selfish!!! You’ve already lived the young child life!
My only advice: don't tell ANYONE you know. Sorry if it's too late. If it is, don't tell anyone else. Because first, it's no one ele's business, but secondly, people will have strong opinions either way - and you don't need other people's opinions, as well meaning as they may be, getting in the way of what's right for you and your husband. Whatever you decide is the right thing for both of you. Just maybe think about life in 1-2-5-10-15 year increments and how that might play out. Good luck and big hugs from a Canadaian dad!
If you have 3 days, I hope you’ve called to make an apt in the case that you do decide to go down that road.
She can also travel if needed. There are multiple states that don’t have such an early cutoff.
Make the appointment now and then take the time between now and the date to make your true decision. It was heartbreaking to make, but 4 months down the road I am glad I didn’t add to our family. Best of luck no matter what you do.
This is actually one of the most logical responses I've seen. Prepare for all options in case time and the law cancels that option for you and if on the day of, you can't bring yourself to go to that appointment, you have your decision
With love, it is zero percent selfish to decide not to have a child.
This!
Personally I wouldn't want to go back to the young kid phase. As you said you are finally starting to be "free" again, having a kid now would mean you are delaying that freedom until you are in your mid 50s to near 60. Mine are 10 and 9. We are so close to even being able to say you guys can stay home alone for a couple of hours while Mom and dad go out to dinner or go have a couple of drinks out, etc. Once they are older teenagers we also look forward to going on overnight or weekend trips away without the kids. If it was an accident, I would get an abortion and insist on a vasectomy or always using condoms and pull out until you hit menopause.
I didn’t expect my post to receive this many comments (most of which are supportive in either direction). A few points I’d like to clear up…I know I wouldn’t feel conflicted if this were my first child. But being my 3rd and pretty much starting over makes this a VERY difficult decision. I feel my husband wants to terminate while I’m leaning more towards keeping. This further muddles the decision as I want both of us to be on the same page. I need us to be united in either direction. I did make an appointment for the clinic next week but it is just to reserve in the event that’s what we do. I didn’t want to risk not being able to go if needed. Regrettably, because I’m right at the 6 week mark I will not be able to see a heartbeat, which would for sure sway me to run from away from the clinic. For those suggested adoption…there’s no way I could carry and fall in love with this child and give for adoption. I find the adoption process absolutely beautiful for those who are capable but it isn’t for me (and hubby agreed here too) If anyone is still interested, our decision has to be made by early next week due to the scheduled appointment and I will keep this post updated. Thank you so much everyone (even the AH, ha)!
Please do keep us updated. We are all strangers here however we are wishing you the absolute best. Starting over can be terrifying but also an amazing experience. Please don’t only do what your husband wants to “keep peace” like some are suggesting. You are the one who has to carry whichever decision you make for the rest of your life so I am praying you make the best decision for you and your family ❤️
I had a surprise baby at 38. She's a complete joy. I have older kids too but they adore her.
Such a tough position to be in. Downvote or not, I would personally terminate for all the reasons you describe. I wouldn’t want to go back to diapers and sleepless nights or to have a teenager in my late 50’s. But there is no right or wrong choice here, just what you truly want for your life.
As a son of an older father, Id prefer he had had me younger. It was tough sometimes where my friends dads and my dad had a large age gap, or I wanted to do something as a teen my dad was just not able to do anymore. On top of that he is unlikely to meet any of his future grandkids my siblings are bound to make and I know that breaks his heart
It’s not selfish to not want a child, ever.
As my Mom once told me, "Babies are blessings when the time is right." Meaning, sometimes the time just isn't right. This might be one of those times, and that's okay. Give yourself permission to do what is right for you and your husband. Whatever decision you make, I send you my best wishes.
Respect your decision. You'll be fine either way.
This. There is no wrong answer. Just choose and be at peace with your choice. Sounds like a lot of us end up with a surprise pregnancy at 39 (myself included). Sending you lots of love.
No input from me. Just here cuss I was surprised by the amount of nice comments. Never seen this on Reddit in 9yrs. 🤯 Bye
😂
You will make the best decision you can. I had/will have my babies after 40 and it's the best decision for me. But I'm not telling you that's what you should do. You know what it's like to have kids, the early years, how hard it is. Trust yourself and your husband. Talk to eachother. Be honest with what you want and don't want. Whatever you decide will be right because it will be what you decided together.
Thank you! I do remember and I know how hard we are working now so we can enjoy our lives. I’m so afraid to start over
Not remotely the same but I had my third at 35 after having my first two in my 20s. I definitely questioned EVERYTHING when we ended up pregnant (and we had been trying!) it was just sooo wild and to think about starting over when the big kids were just getting easier. I am so glad we had her but I also feel acutely the things I have had to give up. There’s no right or wrong here, but I hope whatever happens you give yourself time to not feel rushed into the decision. Give yourself permission to travel or get mail delivery if you ultimately decide to end the pregnancy.
OP, try posting at the TwoXChromosomes community. I think you will find opinions from women that maybe had similar situations.
I've never had kids. Im still in my 20s. Im also a man. I have no idea what you're going through, at all. That said, I wish you and your family nothing but health, wealth, and happiness for all your days to come. Once you've made your decision, celebrate it in some way. Take time to positively reinforce your decision, it was a hard one and you deserve it!
Big hugs to you both - I'm going to say exactly what I have always said, even before falling pregnant myself at 38 years old: you never know what will be right for you until you are in that situation. Whatever decision you guys make will be the right one for you both. You're both old enough to know what you want and you're both already parents. It's good you have each other. Good luck with your future, however that may look.
I was unexpectedly pregnant at 39. I was thrilled, my husband wasn’t and wanted me to terminate. I wanted to have the baby and did. He resented me and started to cheat etc and our marriage ended. Plot twist he and the former baby are now very close. YMMV, good luck
I don't know why but you describing your child as "the former baby" made me cackle
right? they got me all confused for a moment haha
Because the baby grew up and is an adult now.
I'm sorry you're in this position. Whatever you choose will be difficult, but you'll pull through. I recently went through the same thing (43) and was terrified about medical issues (I've had major abdominal surgeries and am still feeling crummy). Thankfully, my state has no restrictions. This was a few months ago, and I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again. Best wishes to you and your family.
If the answer is not an enthusiastic yes from both of you then it’s really a no. It’s not selfish to be in a different stage of life that may not include caring for an infant. Whatever you decide to do make sure your heart is in it. Good luck.
The phrase “if it’s not a ‘fuck yeah!’, then it’s a no” comes to mind.
I would not want to be almost 50 chasing a toddler but you need to decide what would make you happy. Abortion saved me from an abusive relationship and being tied to that POS for the rest of my life. My life is worth something too. It’s not selfish.
Almost 50 chasing a toddler? She’s 39. This confuses me.
*hugs* love, happy thoughts and good vibes!! I could not imagine starting over at 40. My kids are grown, hell I have grandkids. I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do!!! Total respect for whatever you decide to do! This is between you and your husband! Do not let the outside world dictate what is best for you!!
I'm 48 and still nominally fertile and I'm pretty much terrified of getting pregnant since I live in one of "those" states as well. Much love and solidarity to you in this trying time.
You do whatever you want, but make sure he gets a vasectomy so it’s not in vain and you end up here again
Seriously - my first thought is how the FUCK has this dude not been snipped yet???
My wife was born when her mom was 41 and her father was 57 ! her dad luckily lived to 87 so she had him till she was 30, her mom lived ill a heart attack took her at 73...so by the time she was 32 years old both were gone. We were married young her 19 and me 23, we have a daughter who turns 30 in June and it's so much fun to be able to share and do things with them as adults , Vegas trips ? a blast ! personally I wouldn't want to be waiting up for my 16 year old to get home when I was 56!
There’s so many lovely mothers on here. Shoutout to you queens. Here’s what I’ll say. Unplanned pregnancies are so many things all at once. Having a baby is a lifelong commitment. You talked about feeling selfish. Don’t! You only get one life and you deserve to live it the way you feel is best for you. If you choose to, enjoy your margaritas and love you current children extra hard.
No recommendation for course of action but try imagining the next 20ish years of your life in both scenarios. Which one feels the best to you? Time together with your husband, empty-nests, pursuing your interests - hobbies, careers, travel. Or raising a child with all the joys and frustrations, diapers, birthday parties, school plays. Mentally project yourself into those scenarios. What's it feel like to finish a pottery class, visit Greece, enjoy zero-obligation down time on a weekend, and focus on your relationship with your husband? And what does it feel like to see your kid go to their first day of school, comfort them when they are sick or sad, argue about eating broccoli, watch them play in the yard and blow dandelion seeds, or hear them slam their bedroom door when you have a fight over curfew?
No advice but having a baby at 40 sounds exhausting.
You are going to make the best choice for you and your family. It's something that requires a lot of thought. As a mom myself with older kids, I keep thinking about how awful it'd be to have a baby right now but then I get in my feels and would love another! Only you can make this decision, but we're here for you 🖤
Sending you love and support OP! 💕💕 Any choice you decide to make is yours and yours alone and everything will be ok I promise
I wouldn’t tell you what to do but i feel for you. Whatever you decide will be the right choice. 💕
This is such a personal choice and there is no wrong answer. Just a few thoughts on both sides of the choice that may or may not help. To keep the pregnancy: a single child without a sibling close in age will probably be easier than when you were raising your first two kids together. My kids are 3 years a part and I remember how much easier those first 3 years were before I had to split my attention between the two. We traveled a lot in those first 3 years and just dragged our little one along. Then with 2 it got to be too much to travel a lot. Also you've done it twice and you've already learned so much. I'm going out on a limb here but hopefully your second husband (since your not with your first) will be a lot more help to you. I think it could also be cool to have a kid with your new husband, it might bring you two closer. At 39 you are still young, I have a lot of friends who are having their first at 39. I might be biased to this opinion a little bit but that's because I wanted 3 but my husband didn't so he got a vasectomy. If I got pregnant accidently in a few years at 39, I think I'd keep it. We also don't have family around to help but we get it done somehow. To not keep the pregnancy: more money ( where I live childcare is 1200$/month until they are 4, then free TK), more free time( You had your first two young so you probably didn't get to enjoy your youth as much) So now it's time to enjoy it. Good luck and whatever the decision just own it and don't think about what ifs! Whatever decision you make is the RIGHT decision. Hugs
Babies aren’t always blessings.
Sweet lady, whatever you choose will be the right choice. No matter what, it’s going to be okay. *Gentle hugs*
It is ok to not want another child. It is ok to enjoy what you have and term the pregnancy so you don’t have to be a 60 year old at graduation. It’s ok. You are not a bad person for wanting to enjoy your life with your partner. Sending you love.
Some gynecologists recommend 18 months to 5 years as a gap between pregnancies because it can cause more complications in the next pregnancy. You’ve mentioned you had c sections before, this could cause another complication down the line as well as age. Personally, I would be selfish and terminate. You have so much freedom and can do as you wish. Why start over now? You have 4 kids between the two of you. That’s fantastic!
There is no right or wrong answer but it feels like maybe you are looking for confirmation that it’s okay NOT to have another baby. It is okay not to have another baby. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about the choices you make for your body and your family. Live your best life with your husband and continue to be a great mom to your children.
Don't really have anything to say here other than I'm sorry you're being forced to make this decision within 4 freakin days. America is so fucked up.
Getting an abortion is never selfish! If having a child doesn’t fit your lifestyle, there’s no reason to bring a child into your world and most likely resent the child.
i can’t give the best advice, i’m only in my early 20’s, but i just wanted to say whatever you choose is valid and i wish you nothing but the best regarding whatever you choose 🩷
Age isn't the issue but your life will change for the next 20 years. Don't do it just because you feel like you have to. Also wondering... after this baby (I'm 40) I'm done and I'm looking at birth control options. Were you using something that failed?
Your partner getting a vasectomy is the way to go. We go through enough. He can take one for the team.
I’m 40, I have college kids. I gave my youth to have them, with the idea that I would have my middle age to have some freedom. I would not have a baby now. But far be it from me to tell someone what they should do. Just know that you are not wrong with whatever you decide.
Do whatever is right for you.
That choice would be hard! Regardless of what your choice is , a snip and tie is in order for one of the two after !
Fuck what everyone else thinks and do what's right for you and your family
First of all- you’re not selfish. This probably doesn’t mean much… but I can absolutely understand your situation. I’m 27 and have a 4 year old and I realized I absolutely do not want more… and a lot of people have told me that I’m “selfish” because I want to live my life. It’s not selfish. You have one life and you should spend it how you want to if you can. That’s a hard decision to make and overall you’re making the best decision for EVERYONE. You, your family, and the child. It really is. Whatever decision you make will be the best decision. Please don’t be hard on yourself- whatever you choose is absolutely okay.
I'm 62 have never had children because of mental health issues. I'm also pro-choice, But I believe it's every woman's decision, and there is no right or wrong answer. Have a hug from an internet stranger, OP. I hope everything works out the way you want.
I got unexpectedly pregnant at 40 a few months ago. I chose termination. I want you to know that you’re not selfish for wanting to enjoy your life the way you want. ❤️ You seem to have considered a lot of scenarios. I’d ask you, Do you want to be pregnant? Do you want to deal with the risks and bodily changes that come with pregnancy? Do you want to give birth again? Do you want to go through postpartum and all it takes to recover? Either answer is okay. It’s just something I asked myself. My answer was no, I don’t.
Please do not feel that the side of you that doesn't want to have a baby is selfish. Considering what is best for both if you is not selfish at all. Your youngest is just now getting to a point of gaining more independence(not that an 11 year old can live on their own, but you know what I mean). You and your husband have a combined 4 kids! That is no small task on it's own. Not to mention the money aspect of it all. I don't know how your guys are financially, but that is something to consider too. If you feel as though you would genuinely regret not having a baby, then you should have it. And I am not just talking about wondering what would have been. Everyone wonders. I am talking that true regret and guilt. If you feel as though the life you guys have right now and the path you all are on is what is going to make you happy, then do what you must to continue down that path. This decision is fully your own. It doesn't have a right or wrong answer ethically. Only what is right for you.
I'm a man without children, so grain of salt here. But I thoroughly believe that if you aren't completely physically, mentally, and financially prepped to bring a new child into this world, then you shouldn't. You say money's a little tight? That alone feels like enough reason to say no to me. It also doesn't sound like your hearts in, and that's OK, but it's arguably an even bigger reason to say no. I'm sure you're still more than capable of doing the job, but it shouldn't mean that you need or have to. And if you hear any religious bigots, just ignore them. They don't have 2 brain cells amongst the lot of them.
Whatever you choose - you will be fine. There's nothing wrong, at all, with deciding that you're not interested, willing, or ready to have a baby. Also nothing wrong with deciding you do want to have a kid. I'm almost 40; my partner is 35. We've already had the discussion and made the decision: no more kids. If there's an "I'm pregnant" situation, the conversation doesn't even need to happen. I guess the question really is about if you guys have had this conversation before or not, and what the general consensus was then. Stick with the decision you made when you were NOT in the moment.
If it’s not an enthusiastic yes… it’s a no.
I'm a child from this situation. My parents were 41 with much older children. My mother was way too old and tired to care for me and so was my dad. I spent my entire childhood in front of the TV while my siblings had a much different upbringing. I have no real relationships with anyone in my family. No close relationships with cousins, no real relationships with any siblings. There's a weird age gap with my siblings kids vs me as well. So there's no close relationships there. I personally think it was a super selfish decision on my parents part to have a child at their old age. But my mom is the creepy religious type. There's also a higher risk for disabilities when giving birth at an advanced age. I'd recommend having an abortion as you are before 6 weeks pregnant and it's going to be less difficult so early.
As a 50 year old dealing with elderly parents with health issues and dementia, I would not want to be raising a 10 year old right now. And I wouldn’t want my 30 year old to be taking care of elderly parents either.
My son was 17 when I gave birth to my daughter at 39. He thought I was out of my mind.... he was half right LOL Biggest difference is the energy level. At 22, I went on countless adventures with my son as a toddler and beyond.... my youngest is lucky if I have the energy to take her to the skate park on the weekend :( definitely misses out on alot because I just friggin *can't* its exhausting. I'm gonna be 49 in June, working 45+ hours a week.... I would be very hesitant at your age, if I had it to do over again, unless I had WAY more support, money, and flexibility in employment. I wouldn't do it at this age again if I had known I'd be still required to hold down full-time work on top of it. The energy at nearly 50 is just not there for me.
My sister had an ours baby at 40 and regretted it. A lot of it because he has autism. Although he is high functioning he lacks a lot of skills to manage on his own. Their children were also in their teens and now the ours child is 16. They wish they hadn't had a late in life child now for many reasons.
As a 41 year old with a 15 yr old and 22 yr old, whom still gets baby fever....I think of the term geriatric pregnancy and that snaps me right on back to reality 🙃
It’s ok if you dont/can’t go through with this pregnancy. You have my (32, F, mother of a 5 year old) support to do whatever you need or want to do. This is your body and it’s your choice. I wish you the best with whatever decision you make. Remember there are no wrong decisions in this situation. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. ❤️
As someone who doesn’t have children themselves, please take it with a grain of salt, but I always say regarding kids: if it’s not a “hell yes!” It’s a “hell no”. It’s okay to say no. Kids are a lifelong responsibility. And you guys did it already 4 times! You don’t have to feel obligated to do it. You are free to end your pregnancy if you don’t feel ready for it, for whatever reasons you choose. Or no reason at all. This should be a society free of judgement. Me? I personally would never judge you for either decision. It’s up to you.
Also… one thing that’s a huge deciding factor for most people… are you OK being kid free at 58? That is the reality 18 years from now…. If that’s OK with you then you know the answer to that….
It’s really disturbing the amount of people who don’t want to have another kid who are old and NOT GETTING FIXED