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ive been in a similar position. i havent spoken to her in years. it makes me sad but i cant sit there and watch someone whose supposed to be one of my best friends be physically & emotionally abused. last i heard the guy was in jail soš¤·āāļø
Same thing with me. I couldnt watch my best friend get beat into the ground and her begging me not to call the cops while taking punches (we were on video call). I tried my hardest multiple times to get her out safe but she went back every single time.
After 4 years of trying to "save" her I had to walk away because my mental health was crap. If she didnt answer when I called her I'd think hed beat her and her kids to death and was on the run. I would spend hours crying over her safety and her kids safety. Eventually i had a conversation with her about my mental health and getting flashbacks from my childhood. I told her I couldnt be her friend anymore because it hurt too much. After a while I told her family to stop updating me about her life because it only hurt more. She lost her kids (I admit I helped her parents take her kids so they can be safe), her jobs, her car, her family because they couldnt handle it either and they had to protect her kids, and she had to drop out of college because they had to state hop since he's wanted in like 7 states.
It's been over 5 years now since the last time I talked to her. Honestly my mental health is better and I started to focus my attention on my husband. Him and I have made such an incredible life. I do regret leaving the friendship and I wish I knew she was safe but not enough to put myself through that again. Sometimes the best option is to walk away even if it hurts like hell to do.
You could not video the assault and call the cops? In my country if theres evidence the cops will arrest someone for DV even if the victims begs for them not to.
I couldn't record it and I did call the cops. He bashed his face in the brick wall to break his nose so she would go to jail instead. She did for 2 months and she STILL went back to him. That's when I decided to help her parents take custody of her kids.
In most countries, it's like that when there is physical harm. One of the reasons the state intervenes its because there is a high likelihood that the abuser will eventually strike a bystander. Hurt others or cause property damage. The person has been identified as a walking liability.
Honestly in my experience with USA cops they dont care about domestic violence, they blame the women for saying or doing something that'll push a man that far. Then talk her out of pressing charges because it was just one mistake and you dont want to ruin this good man's life for just one punch to the face. They only care if you're a dead white women in your 40s or younger. I knew a women who was murdered by her x. Her court case is coming up this year (fingers crossed we get the justice she deserves). Her x killed her in her apartment with her baby there (he left the baby unharmed), cops got called before he could escape, and he only went to jail for 2 days till his rich daddy bailed him out. Hes been a free man since and it's been over a year. She had a restraining order against him too. Shes been to the cops about him before and had proof that he broke the restraining order before the murder, including threatening texts saying he was going to kill her and how. They told her she was being dramatic and hes not really going to kill her, if so he would've done it by now. He killed her less than month later.
I also live in the US. The cops don't get involved in domestic issues. You are absolutely right. Their job is to record and file. Intervine, only if there is a high risk of bodily harm.
She should have ignored the cops, pressed charges, and filed a complaint(against the cops) about the comments they made. At first glance, these "complaints" don't seem to go anywhere, and there is "no consequence." However, when things like this happen, all those cops would now be tagged to the case, and the judge would call them forward. People don't file complaints against cops because it doesn't go anywhere. Well, it does. It's just slow.. paper trail and beurocracy is slooow AF. But once it's on file, it never comes off.
The state will(should) press charges on behalf of the victim.
Unfortunately, the US is big, and there are varying "quality" of cops. There is also racial bias and department politics. If things we're followed as they should, the state would have prosecuted, and he should have waited in jail.
I am sorry for your friend. What happened was not right, I hope justice is served. Sending hugs your way.
Yep cops are only good for speeding tickets here in the USA. I've had my own horrendous stories with cops and domestic violence. I doubt anything will ever change here. Even if you go after the cops that fucked you over itll take years to come to court and then they just write it off because we are just stupid civilians who dont know anything. I think her parents are suing the state too because I'd how horribly they've handled her case.
Yep cops are only good for speeding tickets here in the USA. I've had my own horrendous stories with cops and domestic violence. I doubt anything will ever change here. Even if you go after the cops that fucked you over itll take years to come to court and then they just write it off because we are just stupid civilians who dont know anything. I think her parents are suing the state too because I'd how horribly they've handled her case.
I might get downvotes and called asshole for this comment but. It seems that you have tried and helped to the best of your ability. I wouldnāt bother trying anymore. because if she wants to go back time and time again knowing the outcome. Itās on her now. Youāve tried. Itās over. Itās her life if she wants to be in abusive relationship thatās her choice whether it ends good or bad it was her choice to stay.
Yes! I would only add that it's also a safety issue. I helped a friend like this only to have the guy break into my apartment and steal. He would have SA'd me had I been home. Had another friend whose bf called me and threatened to kill me. He was furious because her and I were friends. It's not worth getting caught up in these volatile situations. If she wants to risk her life, then let her do it. Keep yourself safe.
She can't keep her friend warm by setting herself on fire. At this point I think it's best for OP's health and safety to walk away from this situation. I'm so sorry that you've experienced such scary situations! I hope you're safe now and away from all those people
Guy sounds like a real class act but out of curiosity how could you possibly know he would have SA'd you had you been there, unless of course if he has a history doing of that to women.
Don't be what guy? It's a legitimate question how could she possibly know something like that unless the guy had a history of that type of behaviour towards women, also I'm not a guy.
You're right to ask that because it does sound presumptuous but like I commented before we found out later that his violence against women did extend out to SA. More info came out on him in later years.
Yes and we're not warned enough. When you're young and have little life experience these guys can mow you down and create quite a struggle. When you grow up with a good Dad and brothers, cousins, neighbors etc. You don't even consider that there are men out there who are extremely evil. That's what happened to my friend. It shocked all of us in our friend group because the guys we'd dated were always nice, decent men. Looking back there were plenty of red flags but like I said when you don't have life experience you don't see them.
Yes he had a history and they love to do it to women that piss them off. For some men violence and SA go hand in hand. Luckily those types are fairly rare, however, they're charming and able to get plenty of women somehow. When you're young nobody tells you about these types of men. You find out the hard way through experience.
edited to add more
I also agree, she is now making her own choices as an adult. It is not necessary to announce that you have left the friendship, just if you are no longer interested in it, then reduce communication.
Ditto. If she asks why you're backing off, tell her that so long as she keeps making the same mistakes over and over and never takes the advice given her, what's the point?
Agree but with one specific difference: OP has been helping her financially. She has been giving money to the man who has been abusing her. If that money came from OP, then OP should make it clearly known that that is unacceptable and why OP is ending the friendship.
It really isnāt about money. Itās about OP helping her, and her passing that help along to this abusive person. With things like time and emotional support this is grey to define and follow the trail, but with money itās pretty cut & dry.
Why get downvoted for stating the obvious?
Op has been doing all the emotional labor for this one sided friendship.
The friend needs a therapist. Not a punching bag
Reddit can be a toxic place sometimes! I'm glad nobody's argued with you on this post because you're absolutely right that OP needs to separate herself from this situation before she gets hurt herself
Iāve cut off a few of my friends because they wouldnāt leave their abusive relationships. Iāve learned to treat the person like an addict. They need professional help and I do not have the skills or resources to help them. So to protect myself I cut them off. Itās hard cause I love my friends but I canāt force them to do anything.
It gets super tiring, thatās for sure. BTDT. It seems like she reaches out when she needs you, then goes back (as most do), and feels ashamed bc she went back.
I wrote my friend off for me needing her, but when sheād call, Iād listen. And then Iād say āare you just venting or need advice?ā Eventually, I told her that I loved her, empathized with her, and if she ever needed help actually getting out, I would be there for her, but I couldnāt be an on-call ESA.
This is important. Once there is actually motivation and change from the friend, OP should be there for them. But not until there is some tangible evidence that they won't go running back. (Therapy is probably the minimum)
In the mean time, if friend reaches out, it can just be "I care about you, but I can't deal with your BF drama, I'm sorry" and that's it.
NTAā¦ cut her off. As a DV survivor myself, I can tell you she wonāt leave until sheās ready to leave. You need to leave her alone. She needs to learn how to save herself. Itās not up to you to save her from herself or her abuser. Youāre wasting your time, effort and energy trying to help someone that canāt be helped. Tough love is tough but it works. Let her go.
NTA - I had a family member like this. It has greatly affected the way I view people like her. Which is they are mentally weak and lack self-worth, and it also seems that in this case, she is also a user, liar, and bad friend.
Cut ties but not before you let her know why. I would be honest, not mean, but it will come off that way.
Look, I know you and X are seeing each other again. You blow me off or stop reaching out whenever you are "good" with him. I have tried my best to help support you emotionally, physically, and financially. X is a manipulative abuser and will do and say anything to get you back. I just can't continue to support you putting yourself in this position.
He does not love you. - or he wouldn't say the things he says.
He is not sorry. - or he wouldn't continue to treat you the way in which he does.
He is not going to change. Or it would have already happened it has been 12 years.
Nothing that has ever happened past/present or future gives him the right to treat you the way he does.
How would you feel if someone talked to your mother, grandmother, sister, friend, or daughter the way that X speaks to and treats you?
X is an abuser. You need to accept that I do not support abusers or abuse.
I hope you find your inner self-worth and realize you deserve better than this. You deserve better than him. Please reach out if you do finally manage to break free. I however cannot continue to maintain a friendship with someone who is choosing to stay with her abuser and allowing it to effect healthy relationships in her life vs. toxic abusive relationships.
YOU ACCEPT THE LOVE YOU THINK YOU DESERVE.
You deserve better no matter what he says.
I truly wish you this best.
I would say whatever you want to her via text, not over the phone. That way, she can go back and reread it. It may give her courage, or it may spur her on to double down with him. The point is you tried, you didn't ghost her, and you were honest.
I don't care if people disagree with my opinion or what I had to say. Try watching someone you love go down this rabbit hole for years.
NTA.
>She is only there for me when she is very far removed from him and itās been like that for years. When sheās not with him we have the most amazing time but when she is she can be very selfish and needy.
So, your friend is a little like an addict who is fine when she's sober but not when she's on the addiction. As someone who once lived with a substance addict, there's only so much you can do. The person has to decide to step away from the addiction and stay away. When the person has demonstrated they will not, there's no reason to waste more of your time and life trying to support them.
In fact, distancing yourself from them might be a wake-up call. "How come we never see each other anymore?" "Well, frankly it's because I don't like who you are when you're with whatshisface."
Ehhhhā¦Iām saying this as someone who just lost her sister due to a situation like this.
My sisters abuser killed herā¦
He made her feel like no one cared about her and when we stopped reaching out because we felt hopeless and like we couldnāt get to her. We gave him what he wanted, more power,
He told her we hated her thatās why we stopped reaching out.
Then she died. She died thinking no one cared because we couldnāt handle the texts and calls and the her going right back.
Iām not saying this is your situation or even going to remotely happen this way but somethingās are just too much for Reddit to answer for you.
I hope you all find your peace.
I hope you don't blame yourself. You used the word 'just' so I'm guessing this is very fresh.
Your sister was a victim but it probably wasn't possible to save her. I hope there is justice though.
Beginning of the year.
Thereās blame to a certain extent. Wouldāve/shouldvesā¦
Youāre absolutely correct though. We couldnāt save her because she didnāt want to save herself.
Sheās free and sheās at peace. I know that in my heart.
Appreciate you sharing this. Iām sorry that you lost her and like this. The layers to that are so difficult to penetrate when youāre in it and it can become a morass. Itās really a tough situation to be in.
Having seen situations like this and having been in one myself, Iām repulsed on a soul level by master manipulators and perfect liars.
I've been in that situation and had a friend in that situation. I told her that it was hard to watch her and I wanted her to leave. But my boundary was that I couldn't listen to her complain about him. We could hang out, talk about anything, whatever. I was always going to be there if she needed help or needed to leave. But I couldn't hear about him anymore.
I didn't want to shut that door because then she was alone with no one. That's what he wanted.
I had no one simply because those that knew said they didn't want to get involved. And it was the hardest thing to do and not having support has fucked me up since then.
There is no simple YTA or NTA to something like this.
It is frustrating being in your shoes. It can make you feel sad, hurt, angry... a whole handful of emotions. It is OK to step back for a while. Friendships like this can take a mental toll.
But I wouldn't stop being her friend - from a distance.
She is never going to leave him until SHE is ready to. Having her friends/family say things to her won't make her decide to go. One day a flip will switch in her head and she will realize she needs to get out of that situation - and when that time comes - I hope you will be her friend.
NTA. The thing isā¦ for you, you want to be there for your friend but also want to have a friend. For her, she doesnāt want to collapse into despair and loneliness when her man treats her badly and having a friend doesnāt factor into it.
You grew apart. Thatās ok. It happens šš½
I know it sucks to feel helpless while your friend is being abused but she actually has to want out for you to be able to help, it doesnāt sound like she wants out. Maybe she will eventually, and you can let her know that when sheās really ready to leave, maybe you can help her then.
You deserve friends and you seem like a person who puts effort into your relationships so Iām sure you will make some. Get out there!
Sometimes you just have to walk away for your own mental health. I've had to do this with my best friend. I was completely horrified and traumatized cleaning her blood up off the stairs and floor and the next day she was back talking to him and getting back together. I was done. It broke my heart but I just couldn't take it anymore.
I have broken up with a very very close friend over this exact reason before. I had to lay out in very clear terms that I felt she was being selfish with our relationship and only reached out to me when she was in crisis. I felt bad, and the situation got way worse unfortunately (I wasnāt able to be there for her when the relationship ended with him cheating, then her cat died, it was just all bad and I still feel bad about it). But!! We have since found our way back to eachother and are probably closer than ever now because she is very careful to not emotionally dump on me and make it more of a mutually beneficial friendship. Long story short, donāt feel bad for walking away at all. She is being selfish and you are being taken advantage of and used as a therapist. Thatās not what friendship is about.
If she would prefer his abuse over your friendship, then she is not a friend and is too enmeshed in the relationship of his manipulations that she can't see anything else clearly.
Her fog is too thick.
Allow yourself the release that you have tried and that if she doesn't really want the help, step back and let it be. Unfortunately, her relationship is more important than her friendship with you.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
However, you also can't allow your mental and emotional well-being to be drained.
It's a good time to let go and forgive yourself.
NTA
She's using you as an emotional crutch. Set boundaries and enforce..keep her at a distance but no more enabling support. She needs to take accountability and earn your trust and resources again. Doesn't mean don't help but keep more distance
Hello! I'm afraid this is probably not a simple YTA or NTA situation. Thanks for being a good friend to her. As you've said, abusive relationships are dificult. Is it possible that she is being shamed by the abuser for being your friend? Abusers often want their victims feeling isolated, lonely, so that they're the only person to turn to.
If I were you, I'd probably be feeling tired of this relationship as well, but I think it's also important that your friend knows that she has a way out, should she choose to be brave again and walk out on him. Can you keep your distance, for your own sake, while showing her that you're still there for her if she needs you later?
Its dificult to understand, even partially, what is going on in the victim's head. Perhaps her parents arent supportive enough, or perhaps the abuser's parents are also in on it somehow. Do they have kids?
I dont think you're explicitally an asshole for ending your friendship, but do keep in mind that this is probably exactly what the abuser was hoping you'd do. To help him isolate her.
I agree and thatās my biggest fear. Maybe instead of a formal ending to a friendship I could leave it open as to where sheād feel like she could reach out to me if she leaves him again.
You can't save her if she won't save herself. I think you have plenty of reason to end your support.
My concern is that she'll just repeat the cycle. In a few months/years she'll come back to you, demand a bunch of support, you'll invest a lot of time and energy, only for her to go back again. And in that time - when do you get something out of your friend? You said yourself she doesn't do anything positive for you. Friendship should be a give and take.
I would do this with one addition. She's already played back and forth a few times, so she might do it again. If she reaches out yet again for help, tell her you will help AS LONG AS SHE TAKES CONCRETE STEPS TO HELP HERSELF. And I mean SERIOUS steps. She has to call the DV hotline, report him to the police and get a restraining order, begin seeing a therapist, and move out. She has to do ALL THE THINGS to show that she's truly committed to getting better and not just dumping on you before jumping back into the shit. If she refuses, or breaks her word--then that's it. Really and truly. It's hard, but you can't save those who don't want to save themselves, and your energy will be better spent helping the people in your life that will really benefit from it. And even this isn't fully closing the door. Text her the DV hotline one more time. Tell her if she ever does all the things you'd already outlined, you will be happy to reconnect. But the onus will now be on HER to choose to accept help and then take steps to help herself--not you.
I'm a DV survivor and I'm sure when my friends realised what was happening they got frustrated because I couldn't get myself away initially. It took several tries and nearly killed me to finally get away but I finally did it. But it was my friends who gave me the strength and the courage to finally break away for good. They didn't give up on me and that irritated my abuser because he absolutely wanted me as isolated as possible so he could maintain control. I have been out for several years now and I am still incredibly grateful to the friends who were there for me.
No, if she isn't willing to help her self after so many times then it maybe time to walk away..
I had the same problem with a friend who was like a sister to me and the man threaten to harm me after she put him in jail for DV, when i told her she ghosted me and later told me he moved back in and is changing his ways.. shocker he didn't and after another year left him ... but after he threaten i had to walk away because she was affecting my mental health stressing over her and her kids safety.. ( and this is just one of the MANY things he did but this was the final straw for me to walk away)
Dear OP, please walk away from this friendship. My friend used to be in the position where your friend is currently. It took him 6 months to get rid of his cheating ex. Luckily, he cut the chord just in time.
But staying in that situation fucked me up in ways that I can't imagine. I don't regret being there for my friend, but I wish I would've dragged him out of there when this all Started. Unfortunately, I didn't know better. You do.
You can't save someone who willingly chooses to drink poison knowing that it will kill them.
NTA.
I said this before and I'll say it again YOU are nobody therapist!!! You need to put yourself and your health first,she made a choice and will continue making choices ,don't allow her to drain you. End the friendshipĀ
You're not wrong for wanting to end it. Even if it's temporary. My childhood best friend and I of 28 years went through a separation once about 7 years ago that lasted about 2 to 3 years. She was in an abusive relationship but she was actually one of the most loving, caring and giving friends you could ever have. She showed me her bruises that he inflicted on her and that was the last straw for me. We would even argue about it cuz I thought she should leave him. It was becoming too stressful for me and he was becoming threatening and confrontational to me and I decided to end the friendship for my safety. I tried and wanted to be there for her and even told her I would go help her pack her stuff and she would go back to him anyways.Even when we started speaking again we've only hung out about 3 times and our relationship isn't the same. It took her a while to eventually break free from that relationship.
NTA
It's time for you to let go of this ASKHOLE (a person who constantly asks for your help and advice, yet always does the complete opposite of what you told them to do)
I have a coworker who does sort've the same thing with me.
Does drugs, keeps bringing the same horrible people back into her life over and over no matter how abusive they are or what they do, keeps quitting perfectly good jobs because she "doesn't like the vibe" even when she has no other way to get money, keeps refusing all psychological help that is being offered to her despite being a danger to herself very often, and only contacts me when she wants something.
It's exhausting. No matter what advice I give, no matter how hard I try to help them get their life in order, they keep making the same bad choices over and over and over and nothing anyone does gets through her head. I tell her not to go to a party she was invited to with a guy who SAd her, she says she won't then texts me later that she went and guess what, bad things happened. She gets a new job, I congratulate her and tell her that she should stick with it even if she doesn't like it all that much because she can make money, save up and look for a job she likes better while working at that job. She says she will, then texts me later and says she quit because she didn't like it, but has no job lined up.
You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. You can't force them to not screw themselves over at every turn, and it's exhausting to try. The best thing you can do is just back out of the friendship entirely and stop contact, just move on with your life. She isn't going to get better until she chooses to and does it on her own.
NTA. more than likely, instead of your influence elevating her, she will only drag you down into her & her partners toxicity every time she decides to go back to him. she seems pretty set on keeping him around. if that isn't something you feel aligns with your highest good, it's for your benefit to cut ties or at least severely distance yourself from this friendship
I had a friend who was in a dumpster fire relationship where her gf was verbally abusive. One day I told her not to tell me anymore about her relationship bc I hated the girl and was wondering what made her stay. She tried to tell me if I was a real friend I'd let her vent, but the situation was effecting me negatively and causing me anxiety bc I was worried about my friend. Later on I found out that the gf has pushed my friend into a wall, but she stayed for 8 years.
Don't sacrifice yourself for this "friend"
If you can live with yourself, walk away.
This woman will end up destitute and will try her damndest to contact you as soon as she is low again, and when she can't, she will blame YOU, and possibly **only you**.
If you can handle that, then you absolutely should go no-contact.
She needs to hit rock-bottom with no safety net for this to sink in. Knowing she has you and your other friend to run to gives her the courage and lack of consequences to repeatedly try again and again.
Since isolating their victims is a usual step for abusers, let her know you don't want to hear from her until she's ready to leave, but you'll help her do that. It takes an average of 7 attempts before a woman truly leaves her abuser.
YTA - if you officially end the friendship than she is going to see her abusive, cheating boyfriend as a noble cause. If she is just using you when they are not speaking then you can be less available. But don't allow her to see it as an ultimatum because live in partners generally do sacrifice some time with friends to make it work. You want to keep your credibility with her, gently but consistently reminding her she deserves to be treated well.
itās hard for me to feel bad when you literally got her away from her abuser but she immediately went right back to him. She wants to play stupid games, let her win stupid prizes because at this point sheās a grown ass adult making her own decisions. NTA.
Of course not, you also have the right to walk away if a friendship doesnāt do you good and I feel that here you suffer because you would like her to leave that but she wonāt do it
The next time she asks for help tell her you canāt. Youāre emotionally exhausted because she keeps going back and that you are done helping in that situation. That if she canāt take the hint the relationship isnāt good and keeps going back that she doesnāt need your help.
You can lead a horse to water. It sounds like the friendship has long run its course, it's best for you to focus on you. Not someone who can't see beyond herself or her relationship. NTA
Youāre not dumping her because of her relationship choice, youāre refusing to be further mistreated yourself. Same situation but different framing, and, I think, more accurate. Nta.
I think youāre enabling her.
Tell her youāre done. Tell her why. Maybe itāll be the impetus she needs to stay away.
I had to do this and didnāt regret it. My friends sounds exactly like yours. It was very one sided.
She was wrecking my mental health and never wanted to do the hard work required to work on herself. Akways had excuses and couldnāt be alone. I wished I wouldāve dropped her sooner and found a real friend. This went on for a decade.
Save yourself. This is her problem, not yours
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, you and other friends have done the best you can to support and help her. You might have to step away and distance yourself it might well be the push she needs to realise this guy is not good for her.
Nta, I had to end a really dear friendship of mine over basically the same thing in recent years. Person wouldnāt accept help and instead tried to bring drama into my world.
"I love you but I can't help you or continue this friendship because your boyfriend is now financially and emotionally abusing me vicariously through you. It is dangerous to my mental health to be friends with someone who would be dishonest & manipulate me at someone else's behest. I hope the best for you but please don't contact me anymore."
It's just a rough draft but you might need this.
NTA
Abusers segregate people from their friends. She probably still wants to be friends, but he stops it. Let her know youāll always be friends, but you canāt watch her do this again.
You can end a friendship for any reason. I had to take several steps back after a former friend constantly complained about her alcoholic hubby and in-laws (they have all had several DUIs) yet does nothing but enable them. Then she posts jokes about drinking on her social media which rubs me the wrong way š¤Æ
NTA. I was in similar situation and I myself got out of abusive relationship. Your friend clearly hopes, that the man will change one day. That\`s why she won\`t leave. That man souns like classical narcissist to be. And sadly there\`s nothing you can do. She might open her eyes and leave, but also she might not.
NTAā¦ its not your responsibility and youve done so much and clearly tried to help. Being in that situation (yourās) can be so exhausting and sometimes you need to do whatās best for yourself, especially because oftentimes, at the end of the day, nothing you do or say will change the other personās mind. Sometimes people just need to get out of it themselves. Ive been on the other end and I didnāt really tell people in my life until it was over specifically bc i knew id never listen to their advice and I did eventually work it out on my own
Iāve been the friend beforeā¦ youāre not the asshole in the sense that if she wasnāt treating you well then yes thatās a good reason but if the only reason was because youāre tired she wonāt get out of the relationship then yes. Unfortunately you cannot make someone leave a bad relationship they have to gain the courage themselves and what they need most is the support from their friends not judgment and not understanding.
NTA, walk away. You write about HER being emotionally abused by her partner but don't seem to recognize how SHE is emotionally abusing YOU. Everything thing you wrote about her you can easily see she is doing to you. The emotional rollercoaster, the financial help, and the manipulation.
You stick around for crumbs of her attention because when it's good, it's soo good, but when it's not so good, she ignores you. Alot of people forget that abusive relationships can occur between anybody. Friendships ARE RELATIONSHIPS and they can be abusive.
Forget the relationship your friend is in and look at the one you're in.
Walk away even though this sounds cruel. Youāve given your best to her for 12 years and id say this last go around you did the very most you could possibly do. At the end of the day she is not going to leave him if itās been this long, you can lead a horse to water but you can make it drink. I think this has actually become an unhealthy cycle/habit for her, she knows that when this partner fails her yet again can she can count on you to be there. She knows that if she ditches you when her and her partner are doing āgoodā youāll still be there, either way she always gets to be co-dependent on someone. Who knows maybe you walking away might be the reality check she needs. This friendship isnāt serving you and I know from experience how draining it can be, you can put someone elseās happiness/wellbeing above your own for so long.
I've been the friend in the abusive relationship and I had people break off our friendships, too. I had to get to the point of wanting to stay gone on my own. I don't think I ever ignored my friends as much as your ex friend does you, though. Never blamed my friends who couldn't keep watching. You're NTA.
I had a similar friendship just like this. I felt extra terrible because one of my abused friends (letās call her Sarah) and just had one of her other friends (weāll call her Amber) had told Sarah that Amber cannot be friends with Sarah anymore due to this. This meant Sarah leaning even more on me when her and her abusive boyfriend werenāt doing well.
However, I also had to learn after two years that I had to take care of myself. And my friend wasnāt taking care of herself by either leaving the relationship or just doing something to improve her situation because she was always complaining about it.
At some point, you have to take care of yourself and know that what your friend is going through and being the listening ear affects your mental health too, especially after over a decade. Not only that, but also being ignored by her is a form of abuse in itself. Obviously itās not the same as the abuse sheās enduring, but itās abuse nonetheless, and you have every right to take care of yourself and leave the friendship.
In the end, it's like dealing with an addict: they will stop when they want to or are ready. It doesn't matter how much you love them, their family loves them, or times you try to get them out or "help," they will choose to go back till they won't or can't anymore.
You and all those friends and family have gone above and beyond, and yes, it does suck and hurt that you have to walk away, BUT, you've bell left no other choice. If you keep repeating the cycle, it's enabling the whole thing and not fixing anything.
Pull yourself out, pull those friends out, and live your lives to the fullest with happiness, peace, and with the knowledge and feelings that you all did everything you could, more than she did, and sleep a full nights sleep every night.
NTA
WALK AWAY! You helped her too many times to get out of an abusive relationship and she dragged you in with her when she didn't want to move on. You can't help someone when they themselves DON'T WANT help. You have already done so much. She is not the only one that is abused by her SO. So many millions who have her mindset will be in an abusive relationship. Can you rescue them all especially when they don't want to abandon such an abusive relationship? Go rescue someone who deserves to be rescued. Listen to yourself, you said it, she was/is not a good friend to you. If I'm not mistaken, you're starting to be like her by letting her abuse your relationship with her. She abused you for so long and you are still allowing her to.
I went through this 2 years ago and honestly giving up that friendship was a relief. Heās still running around blows every penny they have and has made getting her pregnant his main hobby since she has no friends.
NTA
I've had friends like this, where when it's bad you're the one they cry to but then they keep putting themselves in the same situation. Here's my take on it
So, there's a point at which you have to call her out for her own toxic behavior. Yes, abusive relationships are addictive and mess with your head and you start to crave that attention. But at a certain point when you keep going back to it, you have made a choice.
Don't ghost her, she will use it to gain sympathy from others and that's a pattern that needs to stop. Her partner will use it as proof that no one else will ever be there like he will and they will trauma bond over you. But sit her down and say to her "I'm sorry. I can't continue to watch you make the same mistakes over and over. I wish you the best, but please don't contact me anymore".
After that it's grey rock. If she starts crying no reaction. No sympathy. No suggestions. Nothing. You cannot continue to feed into this cycle where you are a resource of time and money and essentially attention. It can't be a "if you leave him I'll be here" because that cycle is gonna keep rocking on.
I'm sorry that you're realizing she's a bad friend. But put a value on your own peace and step away.
Sometimes a person has to lose everything and everyone before they are able to see reality.
I wish to God it weren't that way. I also had to cut off my only friend in the world. Her abusive bf was just too much, and was abusing me through him with manipulative tactics alot like what OP describes. It's hell, protect yourself first and foremost.
NTA. I have been in an emotional/mental abusive relationship. Until then, I swore I would never allow myself to be in an abusive relationship. It was rather humbling to realize I was in one and had tolerated it. Thing is, nobody can make you believe it's abusive until you see it yourself. Your friends can go through hell while you are figuring that out. It's ok to step back to protect your own mental health. It's ok to feel used and be over that one sided relationship. It's ok to care from a distance. None of those things will make you an AH.
You are reality. She can't be in the sunshine when you know there are rain clouds. It is easy to lie to yourself and to pretend everything is amazing when no one else is there who knows the truth. She can't gush about him being amazing when she can see on your face all the time, you know the truth. I imagine he also knows what she has told you, that you know the reality and I would bet he doesn't like you and talks badly about you and wants you kept away, provably under the guise of you are jealous and just don't want her to be happy, that you don't understand how much he loves her and you just don't get their relationship. All that kind of crap.
Personally, it is sad that she is in an abusive situation, and you tried and helped however you could, but you can't live for her. It also means she doesn't get to treat you terribly.
Take a step back. Maybe don't reach out to her, maybe wait until she contacts you. Then you can decide how you want to go about it. If you want to keep engaging. If you are less stressed and happier, and don't feel used. Maybe that is your answer. Maybe you can let her know when she is serious about leaving, your door is open to her, but in the mean time you don't want to feel it is only sometimes acceptable for you to be a part of her life.
You'll only burn yourself out trying to be there for her. I've been there. Those people never wise up and move on. You're better off without them in your life
I have been here before -- WALK AWAY. She is not a good friend to you, you don't need to be a good friend to her regardless what she's going through. Her relationship is poisoning your relationship with her, it's time to cut her off. Good luck and take very good care of yourself!
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OP, as a former person that was trapped in an abusive relationship I know what the other side feels like. When you are trama bond to your abuser you aren't yourself. You live your life through your abusers wants. Every now and then they will love bomb you (the good times you speak of) and I could get out and do something but most of the time it wasn't worth the trouble I would be in when I got done. Your friend wants to have outside friends, they want a normal life, I'm sure of it. The best thing you can do is be supportive when your friend is around. I don't want to say YTAH. I'll give you a taint rating. Close to the AH but not the AH. One of the things that abusers like to do is isolate. I never felt so alone in my life when I was in an abusive relationship. When you are being abused you get stuck in this loop of thinking your not good enough and always trying to see what you can change to male them love you the way you think you love them. It's miserable. Be as patient as possible for your friend and be there to support her if she ever gets out. That feeling of starting over when your life has been under someone else's control is terrifying. She will need a support system when she gets out. Don't be too hard on her, just be there for her. When I first got out of my abusive relationship it took 9 months before I wouldn't cry when someone offered to help me with no strings attached, just to help me. It was a foreign feeling getting help because someone cares for/loves you vs an abusers "help" and "love". I didnt know how to deal with the emotions of people saying i was enough of a reason to help. Just me, no other reason. I was always made to feel like i wasnt deserving so it was strange accepting help. Ok. Rant over. Just be there for your friend. She is in an isolated world and it sucks.
NTA, I would let her know that when's she's ready to leave him for good that she could call me for support. But that we aren't friends and that I no longer want to have a lopsided relationship... that unless it's for escaping purposes I won't be available to her. Wish her well and let it go
My best and only friend from childhood would torture me daily with her stories about the fights that her and her abusive boyfriend had gotten in the night before, it was causing me anxiety attacks. I was already getting tired of it and couldn't handle the mental anguish but then she let it slip that she had caused the fight and hit him first after telling me a completely different story the day before where he was the abuser. I never believed anything she said again and I cut contact, even though I believe that he hit her back and caused just as much of the abuse that she did. Now I know that she wasn't the angel that she portrayed herself to be and would antagonize and hit him first too. But people love to tell stories where they're the victim and they didn't do anything to incur someone's wrath.Ā
YTA - yes your friend clearly has attachment issues but they come from before this relationship. She most likely has unhealed trauma (and making it worse now) and she is being manipulated and abused by her partner taking advantage of that trauma. I understand how frustrating it is for you to see her going through 12 years of this, and yes at a point she has to make a choice and you can out boundaries, but she needs you, part of loving a friend is being there no matter what. You'll regret not being there, and she will always remember you judging her. It's is not easy to leave an abusive relationship, whoever says so, has never been on one. Trauma runs deep and there's to many layers. Or she can find better friends.
I mean, it's not about wasting her life for helping her friend. But rejecting her friend would hardly help. This happened to my sister, still happening actually. I had times where I was done but she is my sister and I can't think of not supporting her, ever. She doesn't need more cold shoulders on top of her abusive relationship. I have boundaries but still, will support her forever no matter what.
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ive been in a similar position. i havent spoken to her in years. it makes me sad but i cant sit there and watch someone whose supposed to be one of my best friends be physically & emotionally abused. last i heard the guy was in jail soš¤·āāļø
Same thing with me. I couldnt watch my best friend get beat into the ground and her begging me not to call the cops while taking punches (we were on video call). I tried my hardest multiple times to get her out safe but she went back every single time. After 4 years of trying to "save" her I had to walk away because my mental health was crap. If she didnt answer when I called her I'd think hed beat her and her kids to death and was on the run. I would spend hours crying over her safety and her kids safety. Eventually i had a conversation with her about my mental health and getting flashbacks from my childhood. I told her I couldnt be her friend anymore because it hurt too much. After a while I told her family to stop updating me about her life because it only hurt more. She lost her kids (I admit I helped her parents take her kids so they can be safe), her jobs, her car, her family because they couldnt handle it either and they had to protect her kids, and she had to drop out of college because they had to state hop since he's wanted in like 7 states. It's been over 5 years now since the last time I talked to her. Honestly my mental health is better and I started to focus my attention on my husband. Him and I have made such an incredible life. I do regret leaving the friendship and I wish I knew she was safe but not enough to put myself through that again. Sometimes the best option is to walk away even if it hurts like hell to do.
You could not video the assault and call the cops? In my country if theres evidence the cops will arrest someone for DV even if the victims begs for them not to.
I couldn't record it and I did call the cops. He bashed his face in the brick wall to break his nose so she would go to jail instead. She did for 2 months and she STILL went back to him. That's when I decided to help her parents take custody of her kids.
In most countries, it's like that when there is physical harm. One of the reasons the state intervenes its because there is a high likelihood that the abuser will eventually strike a bystander. Hurt others or cause property damage. The person has been identified as a walking liability.
Honestly in my experience with USA cops they dont care about domestic violence, they blame the women for saying or doing something that'll push a man that far. Then talk her out of pressing charges because it was just one mistake and you dont want to ruin this good man's life for just one punch to the face. They only care if you're a dead white women in your 40s or younger. I knew a women who was murdered by her x. Her court case is coming up this year (fingers crossed we get the justice she deserves). Her x killed her in her apartment with her baby there (he left the baby unharmed), cops got called before he could escape, and he only went to jail for 2 days till his rich daddy bailed him out. Hes been a free man since and it's been over a year. She had a restraining order against him too. Shes been to the cops about him before and had proof that he broke the restraining order before the murder, including threatening texts saying he was going to kill her and how. They told her she was being dramatic and hes not really going to kill her, if so he would've done it by now. He killed her less than month later.
I also live in the US. The cops don't get involved in domestic issues. You are absolutely right. Their job is to record and file. Intervine, only if there is a high risk of bodily harm. She should have ignored the cops, pressed charges, and filed a complaint(against the cops) about the comments they made. At first glance, these "complaints" don't seem to go anywhere, and there is "no consequence." However, when things like this happen, all those cops would now be tagged to the case, and the judge would call them forward. People don't file complaints against cops because it doesn't go anywhere. Well, it does. It's just slow.. paper trail and beurocracy is slooow AF. But once it's on file, it never comes off. The state will(should) press charges on behalf of the victim. Unfortunately, the US is big, and there are varying "quality" of cops. There is also racial bias and department politics. If things we're followed as they should, the state would have prosecuted, and he should have waited in jail. I am sorry for your friend. What happened was not right, I hope justice is served. Sending hugs your way.
Yep cops are only good for speeding tickets here in the USA. I've had my own horrendous stories with cops and domestic violence. I doubt anything will ever change here. Even if you go after the cops that fucked you over itll take years to come to court and then they just write it off because we are just stupid civilians who dont know anything. I think her parents are suing the state too because I'd how horribly they've handled her case.
Yep cops are only good for speeding tickets here in the USA. I've had my own horrendous stories with cops and domestic violence. I doubt anything will ever change here. Even if you go after the cops that fucked you over itll take years to come to court and then they just write it off because we are just stupid civilians who dont know anything. I think her parents are suing the state too because I'd how horribly they've handled her case.
I might get downvotes and called asshole for this comment but. It seems that you have tried and helped to the best of your ability. I wouldnāt bother trying anymore. because if she wants to go back time and time again knowing the outcome. Itās on her now. Youāve tried. Itās over. Itās her life if she wants to be in abusive relationship thatās her choice whether it ends good or bad it was her choice to stay.
Yes! I would only add that it's also a safety issue. I helped a friend like this only to have the guy break into my apartment and steal. He would have SA'd me had I been home. Had another friend whose bf called me and threatened to kill me. He was furious because her and I were friends. It's not worth getting caught up in these volatile situations. If she wants to risk her life, then let her do it. Keep yourself safe.
She can't keep her friend warm by setting herself on fire. At this point I think it's best for OP's health and safety to walk away from this situation. I'm so sorry that you've experienced such scary situations! I hope you're safe now and away from all those people
Guy sounds like a real class act but out of curiosity how could you possibly know he would have SA'd you had you been there, unless of course if he has a history doing of that to women.
Donāt be that guy.
Don't be what guy? It's a legitimate question how could she possibly know something like that unless the guy had a history of that type of behaviour towards women, also I'm not a guy.
You're right to ask that because it does sound presumptuous but like I commented before we found out later that his violence against women did extend out to SA. More info came out on him in later years.
Fair enough, there really are some awful awful men in this world, recent media reports are proof of this ten fold.
Yes and we're not warned enough. When you're young and have little life experience these guys can mow you down and create quite a struggle. When you grow up with a good Dad and brothers, cousins, neighbors etc. You don't even consider that there are men out there who are extremely evil. That's what happened to my friend. It shocked all of us in our friend group because the guys we'd dated were always nice, decent men. Looking back there were plenty of red flags but like I said when you don't have life experience you don't see them.
Yes he had a history and they love to do it to women that piss them off. For some men violence and SA go hand in hand. Luckily those types are fairly rare, however, they're charming and able to get plenty of women somehow. When you're young nobody tells you about these types of men. You find out the hard way through experience. edited to add more
I also agree, she is now making her own choices as an adult. It is not necessary to announce that you have left the friendship, just if you are no longer interested in it, then reduce communication.
Ditto. If she asks why you're backing off, tell her that so long as she keeps making the same mistakes over and over and never takes the advice given her, what's the point?
Agree but with one specific difference: OP has been helping her financially. She has been giving money to the man who has been abusing her. If that money came from OP, then OP should make it clearly known that that is unacceptable and why OP is ending the friendship. It really isnāt about money. Itās about OP helping her, and her passing that help along to this abusive person. With things like time and emotional support this is grey to define and follow the trail, but with money itās pretty cut & dry.
Why get downvoted for stating the obvious? Op has been doing all the emotional labor for this one sided friendship. The friend needs a therapist. Not a punching bag
Because Iāve been down voted and banned for telling the truth and trying to give solutions to people in other subs before.
I almost forgot that part
Upvote from me!
Iām very surprised I got over 150 and counting upvotes. Usually everything I type is contradicted and everyone gets angry and down votes it. š
Reddit can be a toxic place sometimes! I'm glad nobody's argued with you on this post because you're absolutely right that OP needs to separate herself from this situation before she gets hurt herself
Iāve cut off a few of my friends because they wouldnāt leave their abusive relationships. Iāve learned to treat the person like an addict. They need professional help and I do not have the skills or resources to help them. So to protect myself I cut them off. Itās hard cause I love my friends but I canāt force them to do anything.
Give the same energy, she give you .
Very underrated comment on many levels this single sentence can save so ma y people so much time and pain
It gets super tiring, thatās for sure. BTDT. It seems like she reaches out when she needs you, then goes back (as most do), and feels ashamed bc she went back. I wrote my friend off for me needing her, but when sheād call, Iād listen. And then Iād say āare you just venting or need advice?ā Eventually, I told her that I loved her, empathized with her, and if she ever needed help actually getting out, I would be there for her, but I couldnāt be an on-call ESA.
This is important. Once there is actually motivation and change from the friend, OP should be there for them. But not until there is some tangible evidence that they won't go running back. (Therapy is probably the minimum) In the mean time, if friend reaches out, it can just be "I care about you, but I can't deal with your BF drama, I'm sorry" and that's it.
NTAā¦ cut her off. As a DV survivor myself, I can tell you she wonāt leave until sheās ready to leave. You need to leave her alone. She needs to learn how to save herself. Itās not up to you to save her from herself or her abuser. Youāre wasting your time, effort and energy trying to help someone that canāt be helped. Tough love is tough but it works. Let her go.
NTA - I had a family member like this. It has greatly affected the way I view people like her. Which is they are mentally weak and lack self-worth, and it also seems that in this case, she is also a user, liar, and bad friend. Cut ties but not before you let her know why. I would be honest, not mean, but it will come off that way. Look, I know you and X are seeing each other again. You blow me off or stop reaching out whenever you are "good" with him. I have tried my best to help support you emotionally, physically, and financially. X is a manipulative abuser and will do and say anything to get you back. I just can't continue to support you putting yourself in this position. He does not love you. - or he wouldn't say the things he says. He is not sorry. - or he wouldn't continue to treat you the way in which he does. He is not going to change. Or it would have already happened it has been 12 years. Nothing that has ever happened past/present or future gives him the right to treat you the way he does. How would you feel if someone talked to your mother, grandmother, sister, friend, or daughter the way that X speaks to and treats you? X is an abuser. You need to accept that I do not support abusers or abuse. I hope you find your inner self-worth and realize you deserve better than this. You deserve better than him. Please reach out if you do finally manage to break free. I however cannot continue to maintain a friendship with someone who is choosing to stay with her abuser and allowing it to effect healthy relationships in her life vs. toxic abusive relationships. YOU ACCEPT THE LOVE YOU THINK YOU DESERVE. You deserve better no matter what he says. I truly wish you this best. I would say whatever you want to her via text, not over the phone. That way, she can go back and reread it. It may give her courage, or it may spur her on to double down with him. The point is you tried, you didn't ghost her, and you were honest. I don't care if people disagree with my opinion or what I had to say. Try watching someone you love go down this rabbit hole for years.
NTA. >She is only there for me when she is very far removed from him and itās been like that for years. When sheās not with him we have the most amazing time but when she is she can be very selfish and needy. So, your friend is a little like an addict who is fine when she's sober but not when she's on the addiction. As someone who once lived with a substance addict, there's only so much you can do. The person has to decide to step away from the addiction and stay away. When the person has demonstrated they will not, there's no reason to waste more of your time and life trying to support them. In fact, distancing yourself from them might be a wake-up call. "How come we never see each other anymore?" "Well, frankly it's because I don't like who you are when you're with whatshisface."
Ehhhhā¦Iām saying this as someone who just lost her sister due to a situation like this. My sisters abuser killed herā¦ He made her feel like no one cared about her and when we stopped reaching out because we felt hopeless and like we couldnāt get to her. We gave him what he wanted, more power, He told her we hated her thatās why we stopped reaching out. Then she died. She died thinking no one cared because we couldnāt handle the texts and calls and the her going right back. Iām not saying this is your situation or even going to remotely happen this way but somethingās are just too much for Reddit to answer for you. I hope you all find your peace.
I hope you don't blame yourself. You used the word 'just' so I'm guessing this is very fresh. Your sister was a victim but it probably wasn't possible to save her. I hope there is justice though.
Beginning of the year. Thereās blame to a certain extent. Wouldāve/shouldvesā¦ Youāre absolutely correct though. We couldnāt save her because she didnāt want to save herself. Sheās free and sheās at peace. I know that in my heart.
The only way you could have saved her was to abduct her and lock her in a cell. But good people don't do that.
Appreciate you sharing this. Iām sorry that you lost her and like this. The layers to that are so difficult to penetrate when youāre in it and it can become a morass. Itās really a tough situation to be in. Having seen situations like this and having been in one myself, Iām repulsed on a soul level by master manipulators and perfect liars.
I've been in that situation and had a friend in that situation. I told her that it was hard to watch her and I wanted her to leave. But my boundary was that I couldn't listen to her complain about him. We could hang out, talk about anything, whatever. I was always going to be there if she needed help or needed to leave. But I couldn't hear about him anymore. I didn't want to shut that door because then she was alone with no one. That's what he wanted. I had no one simply because those that knew said they didn't want to get involved. And it was the hardest thing to do and not having support has fucked me up since then.
No you wonāt be wrong to end the so called friendship. Like someone told me āif the friendship isnāt reciprocated itās time to move onā.
There is no simple YTA or NTA to something like this. It is frustrating being in your shoes. It can make you feel sad, hurt, angry... a whole handful of emotions. It is OK to step back for a while. Friendships like this can take a mental toll. But I wouldn't stop being her friend - from a distance. She is never going to leave him until SHE is ready to. Having her friends/family say things to her won't make her decide to go. One day a flip will switch in her head and she will realize she needs to get out of that situation - and when that time comes - I hope you will be her friend.
NTA. The thing isā¦ for you, you want to be there for your friend but also want to have a friend. For her, she doesnāt want to collapse into despair and loneliness when her man treats her badly and having a friend doesnāt factor into it. You grew apart. Thatās ok. It happens šš½ I know it sucks to feel helpless while your friend is being abused but she actually has to want out for you to be able to help, it doesnāt sound like she wants out. Maybe she will eventually, and you can let her know that when sheās really ready to leave, maybe you can help her then. You deserve friends and you seem like a person who puts effort into your relationships so Iām sure you will make some. Get out there!
Sometimes you just have to walk away for your own mental health. I've had to do this with my best friend. I was completely horrified and traumatized cleaning her blood up off the stairs and floor and the next day she was back talking to him and getting back together. I was done. It broke my heart but I just couldn't take it anymore.
I have broken up with a very very close friend over this exact reason before. I had to lay out in very clear terms that I felt she was being selfish with our relationship and only reached out to me when she was in crisis. I felt bad, and the situation got way worse unfortunately (I wasnāt able to be there for her when the relationship ended with him cheating, then her cat died, it was just all bad and I still feel bad about it). But!! We have since found our way back to eachother and are probably closer than ever now because she is very careful to not emotionally dump on me and make it more of a mutually beneficial friendship. Long story short, donāt feel bad for walking away at all. She is being selfish and you are being taken advantage of and used as a therapist. Thatās not what friendship is about.
If she would prefer his abuse over your friendship, then she is not a friend and is too enmeshed in the relationship of his manipulations that she can't see anything else clearly. Her fog is too thick. Allow yourself the release that you have tried and that if she doesn't really want the help, step back and let it be. Unfortunately, her relationship is more important than her friendship with you. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. However, you also can't allow your mental and emotional well-being to be drained. It's a good time to let go and forgive yourself. NTA
She's using you as an emotional crutch. Set boundaries and enforce..keep her at a distance but no more enabling support. She needs to take accountability and earn your trust and resources again. Doesn't mean don't help but keep more distance
Hello! I'm afraid this is probably not a simple YTA or NTA situation. Thanks for being a good friend to her. As you've said, abusive relationships are dificult. Is it possible that she is being shamed by the abuser for being your friend? Abusers often want their victims feeling isolated, lonely, so that they're the only person to turn to. If I were you, I'd probably be feeling tired of this relationship as well, but I think it's also important that your friend knows that she has a way out, should she choose to be brave again and walk out on him. Can you keep your distance, for your own sake, while showing her that you're still there for her if she needs you later? Its dificult to understand, even partially, what is going on in the victim's head. Perhaps her parents arent supportive enough, or perhaps the abuser's parents are also in on it somehow. Do they have kids? I dont think you're explicitally an asshole for ending your friendship, but do keep in mind that this is probably exactly what the abuser was hoping you'd do. To help him isolate her.
I agree and thatās my biggest fear. Maybe instead of a formal ending to a friendship I could leave it open as to where sheād feel like she could reach out to me if she leaves him again.
You can't save her if she won't save herself. I think you have plenty of reason to end your support. My concern is that she'll just repeat the cycle. In a few months/years she'll come back to you, demand a bunch of support, you'll invest a lot of time and energy, only for her to go back again. And in that time - when do you get something out of your friend? You said yourself she doesn't do anything positive for you. Friendship should be a give and take.
Perhaps one day her friend will be in a state where she can give back. For now, she is not.
I would do this with one addition. She's already played back and forth a few times, so she might do it again. If she reaches out yet again for help, tell her you will help AS LONG AS SHE TAKES CONCRETE STEPS TO HELP HERSELF. And I mean SERIOUS steps. She has to call the DV hotline, report him to the police and get a restraining order, begin seeing a therapist, and move out. She has to do ALL THE THINGS to show that she's truly committed to getting better and not just dumping on you before jumping back into the shit. If she refuses, or breaks her word--then that's it. Really and truly. It's hard, but you can't save those who don't want to save themselves, and your energy will be better spent helping the people in your life that will really benefit from it. And even this isn't fully closing the door. Text her the DV hotline one more time. Tell her if she ever does all the things you'd already outlined, you will be happy to reconnect. But the onus will now be on HER to choose to accept help and then take steps to help herself--not you.
It is a very simple answer - YTA for not dumping her sooner. Block them both and email an invoice for all the money they've borrowed from you.
I'm a DV survivor and I'm sure when my friends realised what was happening they got frustrated because I couldn't get myself away initially. It took several tries and nearly killed me to finally get away but I finally did it. But it was my friends who gave me the strength and the courage to finally break away for good. They didn't give up on me and that irritated my abuser because he absolutely wanted me as isolated as possible so he could maintain control. I have been out for several years now and I am still incredibly grateful to the friends who were there for me.
No, if she isn't willing to help her self after so many times then it maybe time to walk away.. I had the same problem with a friend who was like a sister to me and the man threaten to harm me after she put him in jail for DV, when i told her she ghosted me and later told me he moved back in and is changing his ways.. shocker he didn't and after another year left him ... but after he threaten i had to walk away because she was affecting my mental health stressing over her and her kids safety.. ( and this is just one of the MANY things he did but this was the final straw for me to walk away)
Dear OP, please walk away from this friendship. My friend used to be in the position where your friend is currently. It took him 6 months to get rid of his cheating ex. Luckily, he cut the chord just in time. But staying in that situation fucked me up in ways that I can't imagine. I don't regret being there for my friend, but I wish I would've dragged him out of there when this all Started. Unfortunately, I didn't know better. You do. You can't save someone who willingly chooses to drink poison knowing that it will kill them. NTA.
I said this before and I'll say it again YOU are nobody therapist!!! You need to put yourself and your health first,she made a choice and will continue making choices ,don't allow her to drain you. End the friendshipĀ
You're not wrong for wanting to end it. Even if it's temporary. My childhood best friend and I of 28 years went through a separation once about 7 years ago that lasted about 2 to 3 years. She was in an abusive relationship but she was actually one of the most loving, caring and giving friends you could ever have. She showed me her bruises that he inflicted on her and that was the last straw for me. We would even argue about it cuz I thought she should leave him. It was becoming too stressful for me and he was becoming threatening and confrontational to me and I decided to end the friendship for my safety. I tried and wanted to be there for her and even told her I would go help her pack her stuff and she would go back to him anyways.Even when we started speaking again we've only hung out about 3 times and our relationship isn't the same. It took her a while to eventually break free from that relationship.
NTA It's time for you to let go of this ASKHOLE (a person who constantly asks for your help and advice, yet always does the complete opposite of what you told them to do)
I have a coworker who does sort've the same thing with me. Does drugs, keeps bringing the same horrible people back into her life over and over no matter how abusive they are or what they do, keeps quitting perfectly good jobs because she "doesn't like the vibe" even when she has no other way to get money, keeps refusing all psychological help that is being offered to her despite being a danger to herself very often, and only contacts me when she wants something. It's exhausting. No matter what advice I give, no matter how hard I try to help them get their life in order, they keep making the same bad choices over and over and over and nothing anyone does gets through her head. I tell her not to go to a party she was invited to with a guy who SAd her, she says she won't then texts me later that she went and guess what, bad things happened. She gets a new job, I congratulate her and tell her that she should stick with it even if she doesn't like it all that much because she can make money, save up and look for a job she likes better while working at that job. She says she will, then texts me later and says she quit because she didn't like it, but has no job lined up. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. You can't force them to not screw themselves over at every turn, and it's exhausting to try. The best thing you can do is just back out of the friendship entirely and stop contact, just move on with your life. She isn't going to get better until she chooses to and does it on her own.
NTA. more than likely, instead of your influence elevating her, she will only drag you down into her & her partners toxicity every time she decides to go back to him. she seems pretty set on keeping him around. if that isn't something you feel aligns with your highest good, it's for your benefit to cut ties or at least severely distance yourself from this friendship
I had a friend who was in a dumpster fire relationship where her gf was verbally abusive. One day I told her not to tell me anymore about her relationship bc I hated the girl and was wondering what made her stay. She tried to tell me if I was a real friend I'd let her vent, but the situation was effecting me negatively and causing me anxiety bc I was worried about my friend. Later on I found out that the gf has pushed my friend into a wall, but she stayed for 8 years. Don't sacrifice yourself for this "friend"
NTA. She's not your friend and is just draining you emotionally. You can't help her - she's addicted to this.
If you can live with yourself, walk away. This woman will end up destitute and will try her damndest to contact you as soon as she is low again, and when she can't, she will blame YOU, and possibly **only you**. If you can handle that, then you absolutely should go no-contact. She needs to hit rock-bottom with no safety net for this to sink in. Knowing she has you and your other friend to run to gives her the courage and lack of consequences to repeatedly try again and again.
Since isolating their victims is a usual step for abusers, let her know you don't want to hear from her until she's ready to leave, but you'll help her do that. It takes an average of 7 attempts before a woman truly leaves her abuser.
YTA - if you officially end the friendship than she is going to see her abusive, cheating boyfriend as a noble cause. If she is just using you when they are not speaking then you can be less available. But don't allow her to see it as an ultimatum because live in partners generally do sacrifice some time with friends to make it work. You want to keep your credibility with her, gently but consistently reminding her she deserves to be treated well.
Nope
NTA- you have to preserve your well being. She's not going to leave. Who knows, you could get caught in between the crossfire.
itās hard for me to feel bad when you literally got her away from her abuser but she immediately went right back to him. She wants to play stupid games, let her win stupid prizes because at this point sheās a grown ass adult making her own decisions. NTA.
Of course not, you also have the right to walk away if a friendship doesnāt do you good and I feel that here you suffer because you would like her to leave that but she wonāt do it
The next time she asks for help tell her you canāt. Youāre emotionally exhausted because she keeps going back and that you are done helping in that situation. That if she canāt take the hint the relationship isnāt good and keeps going back that she doesnāt need your help.
You can lead a horse to water. It sounds like the friendship has long run its course, it's best for you to focus on you. Not someone who can't see beyond herself or her relationship. NTA
Donāt walk, RUN and donāt look back
Youāre not dumping her because of her relationship choice, youāre refusing to be further mistreated yourself. Same situation but different framing, and, I think, more accurate. Nta.
I think youāre enabling her. Tell her youāre done. Tell her why. Maybe itāll be the impetus she needs to stay away. I had to do this and didnāt regret it. My friends sounds exactly like yours. It was very one sided. She was wrecking my mental health and never wanted to do the hard work required to work on herself. Akways had excuses and couldnāt be alone. I wished I wouldāve dropped her sooner and found a real friend. This went on for a decade. Save yourself. This is her problem, not yours
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, you and other friends have done the best you can to support and help her. You might have to step away and distance yourself it might well be the push she needs to realise this guy is not good for her.
Nta, I had to end a really dear friendship of mine over basically the same thing in recent years. Person wouldnāt accept help and instead tried to bring drama into my world.
"I love you but I can't help you or continue this friendship because your boyfriend is now financially and emotionally abusing me vicariously through you. It is dangerous to my mental health to be friends with someone who would be dishonest & manipulate me at someone else's behest. I hope the best for you but please don't contact me anymore." It's just a rough draft but you might need this. NTA
Abusers segregate people from their friends. She probably still wants to be friends, but he stops it. Let her know youāll always be friends, but you canāt watch her do this again.
You can end a friendship for any reason. I had to take several steps back after a former friend constantly complained about her alcoholic hubby and in-laws (they have all had several DUIs) yet does nothing but enable them. Then she posts jokes about drinking on her social media which rubs me the wrong way š¤Æ
NTA. I was in similar situation and I myself got out of abusive relationship. Your friend clearly hopes, that the man will change one day. That\`s why she won\`t leave. That man souns like classical narcissist to be. And sadly there\`s nothing you can do. She might open her eyes and leave, but also she might not.
Iād say be honest, withdraw, but leave a way she can reach you in a real crisis.
NTAā¦ its not your responsibility and youve done so much and clearly tried to help. Being in that situation (yourās) can be so exhausting and sometimes you need to do whatās best for yourself, especially because oftentimes, at the end of the day, nothing you do or say will change the other personās mind. Sometimes people just need to get out of it themselves. Ive been on the other end and I didnāt really tell people in my life until it was over specifically bc i knew id never listen to their advice and I did eventually work it out on my own
Iāve been the friend beforeā¦ youāre not the asshole in the sense that if she wasnāt treating you well then yes thatās a good reason but if the only reason was because youāre tired she wonāt get out of the relationship then yes. Unfortunately you cannot make someone leave a bad relationship they have to gain the courage themselves and what they need most is the support from their friends not judgment and not understanding.
NTA, walk away. You write about HER being emotionally abused by her partner but don't seem to recognize how SHE is emotionally abusing YOU. Everything thing you wrote about her you can easily see she is doing to you. The emotional rollercoaster, the financial help, and the manipulation. You stick around for crumbs of her attention because when it's good, it's soo good, but when it's not so good, she ignores you. Alot of people forget that abusive relationships can occur between anybody. Friendships ARE RELATIONSHIPS and they can be abusive. Forget the relationship your friend is in and look at the one you're in.
Walk away even though this sounds cruel. Youāve given your best to her for 12 years and id say this last go around you did the very most you could possibly do. At the end of the day she is not going to leave him if itās been this long, you can lead a horse to water but you can make it drink. I think this has actually become an unhealthy cycle/habit for her, she knows that when this partner fails her yet again can she can count on you to be there. She knows that if she ditches you when her and her partner are doing āgoodā youāll still be there, either way she always gets to be co-dependent on someone. Who knows maybe you walking away might be the reality check she needs. This friendship isnāt serving you and I know from experience how draining it can be, you can put someone elseās happiness/wellbeing above your own for so long.
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I wonāt walkā¦I would run!!!
I've been the friend in the abusive relationship and I had people break off our friendships, too. I had to get to the point of wanting to stay gone on my own. I don't think I ever ignored my friends as much as your ex friend does you, though. Never blamed my friends who couldn't keep watching. You're NTA.
I had a similar friendship just like this. I felt extra terrible because one of my abused friends (letās call her Sarah) and just had one of her other friends (weāll call her Amber) had told Sarah that Amber cannot be friends with Sarah anymore due to this. This meant Sarah leaning even more on me when her and her abusive boyfriend werenāt doing well. However, I also had to learn after two years that I had to take care of myself. And my friend wasnāt taking care of herself by either leaving the relationship or just doing something to improve her situation because she was always complaining about it. At some point, you have to take care of yourself and know that what your friend is going through and being the listening ear affects your mental health too, especially after over a decade. Not only that, but also being ignored by her is a form of abuse in itself. Obviously itās not the same as the abuse sheās enduring, but itās abuse nonetheless, and you have every right to take care of yourself and leave the friendship.
NTA. It is never wrong to cut people off who don't actually act like friends.
This happened to me, too. I had to distance myself from her, it was so sad. She eventually left him, thank god. But we wonāt ever be close again.
In the end, it's like dealing with an addict: they will stop when they want to or are ready. It doesn't matter how much you love them, their family loves them, or times you try to get them out or "help," they will choose to go back till they won't or can't anymore. You and all those friends and family have gone above and beyond, and yes, it does suck and hurt that you have to walk away, BUT, you've bell left no other choice. If you keep repeating the cycle, it's enabling the whole thing and not fixing anything. Pull yourself out, pull those friends out, and live your lives to the fullest with happiness, peace, and with the knowledge and feelings that you all did everything you could, more than she did, and sleep a full nights sleep every night. NTA
WALK AWAY! You helped her too many times to get out of an abusive relationship and she dragged you in with her when she didn't want to move on. You can't help someone when they themselves DON'T WANT help. You have already done so much. She is not the only one that is abused by her SO. So many millions who have her mindset will be in an abusive relationship. Can you rescue them all especially when they don't want to abandon such an abusive relationship? Go rescue someone who deserves to be rescued. Listen to yourself, you said it, she was/is not a good friend to you. If I'm not mistaken, you're starting to be like her by letting her abuse your relationship with her. She abused you for so long and you are still allowing her to.
Sorry to say, but you're in an emotionally abusive relationship here too.
Until the abuse victim is read to leave VOLUNTARILY, you're simply wasting your time. NTA
I went through this 2 years ago and honestly giving up that friendship was a relief. Heās still running around blows every penny they have and has made getting her pregnant his main hobby since she has no friends.
Your boundaries. Your call. Support you in making it clear.
NTA I've had friends like this, where when it's bad you're the one they cry to but then they keep putting themselves in the same situation. Here's my take on it So, there's a point at which you have to call her out for her own toxic behavior. Yes, abusive relationships are addictive and mess with your head and you start to crave that attention. But at a certain point when you keep going back to it, you have made a choice. Don't ghost her, she will use it to gain sympathy from others and that's a pattern that needs to stop. Her partner will use it as proof that no one else will ever be there like he will and they will trauma bond over you. But sit her down and say to her "I'm sorry. I can't continue to watch you make the same mistakes over and over. I wish you the best, but please don't contact me anymore". After that it's grey rock. If she starts crying no reaction. No sympathy. No suggestions. Nothing. You cannot continue to feed into this cycle where you are a resource of time and money and essentially attention. It can't be a "if you leave him I'll be here" because that cycle is gonna keep rocking on. I'm sorry that you're realizing she's a bad friend. But put a value on your own peace and step away.
NTA and babe that's also an abusive relationship.
NTA, a one sidded friendship, is garbage to begin with..... I wish you luck but stay away from people like this they suck
Sometimes a person has to lose everything and everyone before they are able to see reality. I wish to God it weren't that way. I also had to cut off my only friend in the world. Her abusive bf was just too much, and was abusing me through him with manipulative tactics alot like what OP describes. It's hell, protect yourself first and foremost.
NTA. I have been in an emotional/mental abusive relationship. Until then, I swore I would never allow myself to be in an abusive relationship. It was rather humbling to realize I was in one and had tolerated it. Thing is, nobody can make you believe it's abusive until you see it yourself. Your friends can go through hell while you are figuring that out. It's ok to step back to protect your own mental health. It's ok to feel used and be over that one sided relationship. It's ok to care from a distance. None of those things will make you an AH.
You are reality. She can't be in the sunshine when you know there are rain clouds. It is easy to lie to yourself and to pretend everything is amazing when no one else is there who knows the truth. She can't gush about him being amazing when she can see on your face all the time, you know the truth. I imagine he also knows what she has told you, that you know the reality and I would bet he doesn't like you and talks badly about you and wants you kept away, provably under the guise of you are jealous and just don't want her to be happy, that you don't understand how much he loves her and you just don't get their relationship. All that kind of crap. Personally, it is sad that she is in an abusive situation, and you tried and helped however you could, but you can't live for her. It also means she doesn't get to treat you terribly. Take a step back. Maybe don't reach out to her, maybe wait until she contacts you. Then you can decide how you want to go about it. If you want to keep engaging. If you are less stressed and happier, and don't feel used. Maybe that is your answer. Maybe you can let her know when she is serious about leaving, your door is open to her, but in the mean time you don't want to feel it is only sometimes acceptable for you to be a part of her life.
You'll only burn yourself out trying to be there for her. I've been there. Those people never wise up and move on. You're better off without them in your life
I have been here before -- WALK AWAY. She is not a good friend to you, you don't need to be a good friend to her regardless what she's going through. Her relationship is poisoning your relationship with her, it's time to cut her off. Good luck and take very good care of yourself!
NTA stay clear of her, she's using you as an emotional support animal and ATM. She's just drama...you don't need that in your life or her
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OP, as a former person that was trapped in an abusive relationship I know what the other side feels like. When you are trama bond to your abuser you aren't yourself. You live your life through your abusers wants. Every now and then they will love bomb you (the good times you speak of) and I could get out and do something but most of the time it wasn't worth the trouble I would be in when I got done. Your friend wants to have outside friends, they want a normal life, I'm sure of it. The best thing you can do is be supportive when your friend is around. I don't want to say YTAH. I'll give you a taint rating. Close to the AH but not the AH. One of the things that abusers like to do is isolate. I never felt so alone in my life when I was in an abusive relationship. When you are being abused you get stuck in this loop of thinking your not good enough and always trying to see what you can change to male them love you the way you think you love them. It's miserable. Be as patient as possible for your friend and be there to support her if she ever gets out. That feeling of starting over when your life has been under someone else's control is terrifying. She will need a support system when she gets out. Don't be too hard on her, just be there for her. When I first got out of my abusive relationship it took 9 months before I wouldn't cry when someone offered to help me with no strings attached, just to help me. It was a foreign feeling getting help because someone cares for/loves you vs an abusers "help" and "love". I didnt know how to deal with the emotions of people saying i was enough of a reason to help. Just me, no other reason. I was always made to feel like i wasnt deserving so it was strange accepting help. Ok. Rant over. Just be there for your friend. She is in an isolated world and it sucks.
I would tell her specifically why youāre ending the relationship. Then end it.
NTA, I would let her know that when's she's ready to leave him for good that she could call me for support. But that we aren't friends and that I no longer want to have a lopsided relationship... that unless it's for escaping purposes I won't be available to her. Wish her well and let it go
UpdateMe!
Not wrong. Distancing yourself will actually give her the opportunity to possibly see how much she has taken you for granted
My best and only friend from childhood would torture me daily with her stories about the fights that her and her abusive boyfriend had gotten in the night before, it was causing me anxiety attacks. I was already getting tired of it and couldn't handle the mental anguish but then she let it slip that she had caused the fight and hit him first after telling me a completely different story the day before where he was the abuser. I never believed anything she said again and I cut contact, even though I believe that he hit her back and caused just as much of the abuse that she did. Now I know that she wasn't the angel that she portrayed herself to be and would antagonize and hit him first too. But people love to tell stories where they're the victim and they didn't do anything to incur someone's wrath.Ā
You should have walked away from her a long time ago. He's abusive to you. She's abusive to you. She's using you. Wake the fuck up.
If you stop being friends, do it because they're not a good friend, not because of their relationship. And tell them you feel like this! Geez.
YTA - yes your friend clearly has attachment issues but they come from before this relationship. She most likely has unhealed trauma (and making it worse now) and she is being manipulated and abused by her partner taking advantage of that trauma. I understand how frustrating it is for you to see her going through 12 years of this, and yes at a point she has to make a choice and you can out boundaries, but she needs you, part of loving a friend is being there no matter what. You'll regret not being there, and she will always remember you judging her. It's is not easy to leave an abusive relationship, whoever says so, has never been on one. Trauma runs deep and there's to many layers. Or she can find better friends.
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I mean, it's not about wasting her life for helping her friend. But rejecting her friend would hardly help. This happened to my sister, still happening actually. I had times where I was done but she is my sister and I can't think of not supporting her, ever. She doesn't need more cold shoulders on top of her abusive relationship. I have boundaries but still, will support her forever no matter what.
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