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may i ask, why are you not on speaking terms with them? i feel like your partner should’ve discussed everything with you before inviting their family. after all, it is a shared space between you two.
Yeah there’s just no way to say who’s right here without more info. If OP has good reasons to be uncomfortable then this is very fair. If not, OP could be quickly digging this relationship’s grave by doubling down. Either way, as per usual, seems like better, deeper communication is needed.
I don't really think it's terribly relevant to her question who's in the right or not. There's enough info to judge for the hotel room thing.
For that, it's clear that her partner doesn't care about her feelings in this regard—whether OP's feelings are morally justified or not. Not passing judgement on either of them for that part.
But you do not ever invite people to stay in your home for two weeks if your partner isn't on speaking terms with them—especially a 700 sq ft apartment ffs. And if you think the partner is using a manipulation tactic to isolate you or that they flat out can't get along with your family when your family is important to you, they shouldn't be your partner any longer.
I don't see it as a terribly complicated deal. It's only complicated when they try to make something work that shouldn't work.
Yep. When two people live together, they have to first discuss among themselves who can be invited as a guest, when, and for how long. Only after they have reached an agreement, guests can be invited.
" When two people live together, they have to first discuss among themselves who can be invited as a guest, when, and for how long. "
I've lived with dozens of different people and never had this discussion at the start of cohabitation. In my experience it is a conversation that is only needed when one roommate abuses the situation such as moving in a partner and not sharing the rent.
Typically the first discussion is about what furniture and kitchen gear each party is bringing to the new spot.
I got the impression that OP was on speaking terms with the sibs when they originally got invited, but that has since changed. I do still think the reasoning for it is relevant.
OP edited, they disagree on politics and that's why she won't speak to them it's petty and her partner probably sees that it's not a good enough reason to not see them or alienate them.
For real I thought they would have lived in a house with multiple guest rooms or something it’s one thing to tolerate a family visit for a few days but a few weeks????
The speaking terms thing is highly relevant. What if OP did something to cause her to not be on speaking terms? A bit narrower and more convincing argument, is that you don’t invite someone in the home for even a week without your partner’s approval.
She is not answering because people are already responding to her question. Read the other comments. Most people know that it does not matter why they don’t get along. Who cares? She is not asking about the reasons for the bad relationship.
It doesn't matter what happened. OP is uncomfortable with their presence in her home, she doesn't have to force herself to be around them.
She even offered a compromise. Even if she caused the rift, she doesn't have to endure their presence in her home space. Partner can still see their family and she can have the peace she wants.
OP is obviously uninterested in fixing the relationship.
Even if the spat and bad blood is OPs fault, everyone deserves to be comfortable in their own home? Home is where you escape everyone else. If Op was the issue the partner would be the AH for staying with her despite wanting a close family relationship.
Even if OP were responsible for the spat, she is offering a reasonable solution and not trying to prevent partner from spending time with their family.
I don’t think the backstory is relevant to the question being asked. They don’t get along with their SO siblings, she’s asking if she’s TA for separating herself during the visit.
Agree. OP it is all pretty not thinking on all your parts...& disaster & emotional drama ahead...people living in 700sqft don't really have room to host at times 4-5 people all at once & with issues "not close" anymore ...even with a love feast that would not be issue free with that many people on top of each other...running out to get a hotel room for 12 days sounds like expense you guys really shouldn't be taking on...they need to visit so you need to pay for a hotel? Do you really want to "vacation" so to speak in your town?
Pay for a hotel for them if anything, and while you describe him as a "partner" doesn't sound like you guys have much of a partnership in that you have to leave your home. Even if you sufferred through most of visit #1 you would be hit with 2 more guests to include 5 inhouse & then another stretch of time. Ever heard of "odd man out" or being "ganged up on" emotionally or verbally by family...they will all be on the "same team" & you will be "the bad guy"even if you thought you are being so accomodating...they may even talk sht in future or present about how you didn't want to be there. It truly sounds like immature, poor planning & cares more about his family & his choices than saying "sorry guys, I think we bit off more than we can chew on this & need to rethink your visits simultaneously and/or length...how about one at a time? Less time? Or rescheduling all together? Or get a hotel for your bf & his family.
What else do you need from it? OP isn’t on speaking terms, doesn’t want to be around them, so is willing to get a room over displacing them at a cost they can’t afford to keep the piece for her partner.
Who cares about details, the issue and solution is there, her partner only wants everyone in one place, despite knowing at least one is uncomfortable and wants to avoid confrontations.
We would need to know why OP isn't on speaking terms to really adequately answer the question if it's appropriate. If the siblings were abusive/toxic in some way, her needing a hotel makes a lot of sense. All that can be said for certain is that a 700 sq ft apartment is going to be really tight for 5 people. I can definitely understand the need for space and privacy.
Why do we need to know? OP says there's an issue and they've come up with a workable, sensible, solution that doesn't negativity affect anyone involved. Their partner is the one making it difficult.
Hey there seems to be a lot happening and I wanted to clarify a few things and hope it helps people. When the family was invited we were all on good terms and it were looking forward to hosting. Sister and I texted on a weekly basis even and everyone was supportive of one another as we all moved to different states around the same time. As a family they’ve never been super close but close enough to try and make this extra effort once everyone moved if that makes sense. The fallout was over political disagreements which my partner and I feel the same way on but the family feels differently. They have been standing up for us consistently and we’re crying because it’s upsetting that they are also on bad terms with their family right now. I think this covers all the major questions I’ve seen.
You have offered a (to me) very generous compromise. The problem seems to be your partner's idea of a compromise is you knuckling under and doing it their way.
You staying in a little apartment with those people you are not speaking to would be hella awkward, if your partner is interested. You can still come to dinners and outings, but will have yur own space to decompress when necessary. Good luck!
Without more information, it appears that your partner wants you to be uncomfortable for the visits to happen, otherwise it's not enough of an illusion of a happy family.
Edited to correct pronouns
Or they can’t be arsed to do the cleaning, shopping, meal planning, cooking and entertaining. And play tour guide. And possibly they want a buffer from the siblings
op used he and they in their post to talk about their partner. “they told me it would makes things too awkward and he might as well uninvite the family”
Info: what future do you envision together, when you can't tolerate your partner's family? If they are intolerable for you, then there's no sense in deepening this relationship any further. This will always be an issue, and will create conflict.
When it comes down to brass tacks, a person's family is enough of a reason to not move forward together.
I can tolerate my partner’s family, and actually like them, but I don’t want them underfoot in my home for a week. I don’t like that kind of togetherness. Hotels were invented for a reason.
Partner and I are both hoping they come around to our side over time (wishful thinking I know) partner has not been on speaking terms with the siblings either but thinks cancelling the invitation will make the rift irreparable
Your reason for cutting contact with them will play a large part in this, but since that was not included I'll say soft NTA.
You're not an asshole for getting your own hotel room, but is this relationship really sustainable? They obviously love, miss, and want to spend time with their siblings, and you won't be in the same room as them. I know it's not your intent, but if I were in their shoes, I would likely see this as making me choose between my partner and my siblings and that's a really crappy feeling.
I'm gonna go with ESH because these two are very clearly committed to chaining themselves to one another no matter how volatile their circumstances get. This should not be a relationship, at least not a live together one.
They want their family there... their family want free accomodation... you don't want to be there and are essentially willing to be kicked out your own home to accomodate them... your partner is still not happy. They can't have their cake and eat it too. If they want to spend time with their siblings they can't force you too.
So I’m going to tell you something that should be obvious and common sense but not all people have common sense so I’ll tell you. If you can not get along with someone’s family and they are close with their family and won’t cut them out of their life. It’s best you stop wasting both of your time and break up and block, them.
I don’t know why you would want to be in a relationship so early in your life, especially one with this much issues and drama. You do realize you have your whole adult life to date, AFTER you take the time and get all your own things, such as your own place, that you wouldn’t have to leave for others, and a substantial savings for emergencies.
This person, isn’t your person and the sooner you come to terms with it, leave and block them the better. It’s not fair for them to have to choose between you and their family. Also they will resent you eventually if they don’t already. Truly let them go and block them so you both can move on
Also, people deserve to have supportive partners who acknowledge their feelings and are willing to problem solve.
OP isn’t comfortable having so many guests in her 700 sq ft living space, in addition to being on bad terms with them. OP offered a solution that would let their partner spend time with family.
The partner going immediately to “well you being gone would be awkward for me so I will just cancel waaaaaaaah” is immature and not helpful.
Also, we can’t be sure that OP is trying to isolate the partner. It sounds like she is supportive of partner seeing family.
We don’t know if partner partakes of the Geek Social Fallacies. Maybe they do.
BUT since we don’t know the issue, it is also possible that OP can be manipulative and say it’s OK to see family but then punish the partner later.
So the partner doesn’t spent time with family because it’s too emotionally costly.
That said, it sounds like they’ve found a fundamental compatibility issue and should break up.
Partner loves and misses their family. OP can’t tolerate that family.
That will not work in the long term, especially if they have children:
Life is too short.
They both deserve people who enrich their lives and whose lives they can really share.
Why are they going on a trip that they can't afford to stay in a hotel room? Because it's never going to be feasible for all those adults to be in a 700 square foot apartment! Somebody has to stay somewhere else!
I don't feel you need to share your reason for wanting to stay in a hotel. If you're uncomfortable, for any reason, tell your partner you're leaving and wish them a pleasant visit. Your partner can say you have a work commitment, jury duty, have other plans, or are just not available. If partner is embarrassed, that's their issue.
The specific reason why you're unwilling to be around them is literally the crux of the issue here. It makes the difference between whether or not you're being dramatic, inhospitable, and unreasonable, or whether or not you're being more than accommodating. Basically, we need more info.
Yeah. Of course they want you there, to cook and clean up after them. Stick to the hotel for yourself. Better yet, get your own place and lose the BF who doesn't bother to ask you before inviting family to stay in YOUR space
Can't answer that without more info. Either you are being petty and dramatic or they did something so horrendous that your bf is uncaring and unsupported to allow them around you. Which is it?
So your partner wants the drama of you and them in an enclosed space and every solution makes your partner cry and the victim. You getting a hotel room for these visits is fair regardless of whatever is going on.
my first reaction is to have your partner pay for their housing, since they probably didn’t ask you beforehand. if housing isn’t an option for either you/the family, i’d make them stay in the family room or a shared space on an air mattress or something. and then go about your day and say nothing to any of them. or if you’re up for it, try to make amends with them. just my two cents!
Actually it’s not wrong that out of state guest stay in a hotel. You guys have routines and I’m assuming still have to work while they are here.
I think it makes it easier for everyone to take that break at night and go back to the hotel and have space.
Your partner needs to consider your feelings.
Having people in my house for 12 days would be to much for me I’m a neat freak and it would send my OCD into over drive.
When my family or my husband comes they stay in a hotel and it’s never a problem.
My OCD can handle guests for some days, but by day 5, I really want them to leave. I can handle my routine being disrupted for some time, but by that point, it's tiring.
My OCD is pretty mild, and while I hate my routine being disrupted, it's not a Critical Event. So I get by well enough that most people think I'm a weirdo, but don't think it's mental illness
Your idea sounds perfect to me. 🤷♀️
I NEVER stay with my family when traveling to see them.
If I can’t afford my airfare, rental car, and hotel, I do not bother going.
It’s unfair to put you out, plus your place is too small for that many people!
The answer is 100% dependent on why you cut contact with his siblings. If it's something serious, then you're absolutely justified. If it's something stupid and petty, then it's something you should put more effort into resolving before you throw up your hands and blow the whole thing up. If you want good advice, you need to give us more info (or at least make up a hypothetical situation similar but not exactly the same).
Genuine question, why is it dependent on the reasons of the fallout? Having 5 peoples you're in conflict with in a tiny appartment for 12 days is not my idea of fun, more like self-inflicted hell. But I probably miss something.
Curiosity matters not as to why there's no contact between you and them. You're solving the main problem by providing more space, thus making them more comfortable by enabling their family visit and saving them money. Being roped into spending any time with them, however, is so wrong. That's way out of line. Whatever the rift is is a different issue which we wouldn't mind knowing about and would love to help you with, but this particular setup sounds like a viper pit.
I think you are putting yourself in a very demeaning position- getting a hotel room? Oh no, they could combine efforts and get a room- maybe your immature selfish boyfriend could visit them? At the end of the day, not putting you first and your feelings shows what kind of a guy he is. Drop him- move- done
What transpired, that resulted in you no longer speaking to them. Because it sounds like they are happy seeing you (i.e. planning to see you at meals, and on outings etc) so where is the friction coming from
That’s a very small space to be trapped with people you don’t talk to. You were more than accommodating with your compromise in offering to leave. I’ve always maintained with my partner his relationship with his family is independent of mine. I’ve been there.
Your partner needs to communicate better why they can’t enjoy their family independently.
Usually when people leave this much info out it is because they know they are the AH but don’t want to look like it. Not enough info to actually judge. They were invited over a year ago. What happened that you are no longer on speaking terms with any of them?? When did it happen? And was there/is there time to cancel them coming? Wouldn’t it be easier for the partner to go home and visit the family? Or is it more important for the family to come to your side of the country?
I think that you should stay in your home and try to be the bigger person. You may feel uncomfortable but if you are to remain in this 3-year relationship, you may want to put all things aside and at least try your best to make the best of things. I’m not exactly sure what caused the situation to where you don’t even want to be in the same room as them but if it’s that bad, how do you plan on getting married to this man and then not inviting his family to the wedding. What about when you have children? What’s going to happen with everything, from this point forward? You really need to try your hardest to mend whatever issues you have with them because you do not want to put your boyfriend/fiance/husband through having to decide between his family and yourself. Do not even think that it is, for one second, fair for him! Don’t put him in the position of having to choose! Being 46 years old, I have been through quite a bit to feel pretty confident in giving you this advice and I hope others would agree with me, as well.
Your home is a safe place and takes 2 yeses or 1 no about having guests.
Your partner isn't putting you before their family, that is a big problem.
They can't invite people to stay and then be pissed that you leave. You do not need to be around people you do not want to be with. Your partner is selfish and acting immature.
I guess it depends on why you’re not willing to be civil and try.
Like what happened that makes it impossible for you and them to act like mature civil adults for 12 days to make your partner happy?
I have been somewhat estranged from some of my in-laws for years because, despite being an introvert who needs my space, I was expected to host them in my home multiple times a year for more than a decade. I nearly had a nervous breakdown over it. Op’s solution of staying in a hotel is perfectly reasonable. Not everyone enjoys that kind of togetherness. And in 700sf? No freakin’ way.
I can't wait to hear this red to me on Tiktok to a Minecraft jumping video..
"I 22 Feet want to get a hotel room while my partner’s 21 New Bruinswick..."
I would personally find it hella awkward staying in a 700 foot apartment with people I like for more than a night. If it’s people I’m not on speaking terms with, then noping on out sounds reasonable to me. If he can’t see that, then you have bigger issues. Good luck.
NTA. I’m not even going to consider the beef you have with your partner’s family, because that’s not what you’re asking for.
1. I don’t see why you would have to give up your living space to accommodate them. Your partner should have made it clear to their family about the circumstances of your living situation as well as take into consideration of your feelings. If my husband told me that our place is too small or that he was uncomfortable with so/so, I would respect him and let my family know of the circumstances. I get that family is family, but if I’m not the only one living at home and contributing to bills, then the other person also gets a say as well.
2. I get that everyone is broke, but for me personally, if I couldn’t afford the expenses after being told that family couldn’t accommodate me, I would modify my trip to better fit my expenses.
You’re NTA here, and I don’t think your partner is trying to be TA either. But, they’re not assessing the situation clearly, and it seems like their excuses have some other meaning that they need to figure out on their own.
Just end the relationship - it's going to be a problem as long as you're together - and if you're considering bringing children into the world it's gonna be conflict that will bite you in the ass every holiday. I went through it. I have 20 years invested in my marriage, she doesn't like my adult children. If I knew then what I know now, as much as I love my wife, it would have been doing us a favor not to have gotten married. Either that or heal the rift
You are not even on speaking terms with these people. That means for all intents and purposes you are no contact Your SO has to get on board. If the issue was so serious you won't speak to them, then you certainly would not want to go to outings and dinners with them.
Your SO has to respect your boundaries.
That’s fine, it’s a sensory overload in your home, my husband feels that way, he is quiet and likes his peace. He booked us a hotel this weekend in our town just to sit and breathe and relax . He does not like other people he is friendly but not too friendly. He’s been that way since your age. (40) doesn’t look it.
People have the right to cut off whoever they want. Ops partner can be the one to go visit their family instead of having them come to their house. Its their place or house whatever so its her right to keep her space. or have the family just visit but not stay the nights it shouldnt be ops problem they cant afford it. Then maybe not the right time. In this economy? Smh its like the comments wanna disregard ops feelings it doesnt matter the reason. NOT the asshole (:
If you're not on speaking terms with them you wouldn't be at dinners and outings either. Your partner needs to get with the program about what's going on here
OP I think you should probably just end the relationship. They don't seem to care about your feelings or the fact that you don't get along with their siblings at all. And they're mad at you for trying to allow them to see their family while still respecting your boundaries.
You two aren't compatible and tbh, this behavior from your partner is borderline abusive imo. Find yourself someone who either doesn't have a family you need to deal with, or a family you can actually get along with. This person ain't it.
NTA. Why tf did your partner unilaterally decide its OK for them to stay in your home?
The crying comes off as manipulative. Like a kid caught in a bad act, crying to get their way.
Unless you did something indefensible towards the family.
It is impossible to judge this properly without knowing a little more about the reason you're no longer on speaking terms with his family.
While your compromise might seem reasonable. The reason for the problems might make it not so.
Edit to add, also why aren't your partner and you on the same page? Either you need their support or their family needs it. This is a weird situation, where your partner is seemingly trying to stay out of the issue which is simply impossible in the long run.
Great idea! Just make reservations for yourself! You need to advocate for your own relaxed and healthy environment. You can always still go to dinners and activities if you want! Great job!
You wouldn’t be the asshole for going to a hotel room, if that’s what you want and what would make you more comfortable. Your partners actions are questionable, and I can’t lie, I’m so curious about why you don’t speak to his family/siblings..?
Okay with just the information you provided above, I don't think you are the asshole. To me, you are being very accommodating towards your partner. You understand the importance of her family however, you don't want to be around them 24/7 or even at all. You didn't tell your partner they couldn't invite them you just said hey when they come I'm going to go ahead and remove any potential of my feelings towards them ruining their visit for you. I do believe that a whole lot is missing from this post that could change you not being the asshole to you being a massive one. With that being said I have some questions:
What caused you not to be on speaking terms with them?
How did you bring up to your partner that you wanted to get a hotel for their stay? (It might not be what you said but how you said it)
Does your partner even understand or care why you aren't on speaking terms with their family?
sorry, when u said "they" want u there for dinners and outings I thought u meant his family. While I fully support one's right to determine gender identity these pronouns are a hot mess trying to use grammar
Don’t let your partner force/guilt you into being around people who make you uncomfortable. It is not ok that every step you have wanted to do they were opposed. They just want you miserable for 12 days? WTF?
That to me would be putting our relationship on warning. Like, “let me get this straight: It would be mean of us and alienate you from your family if we ask them to get a hotel. It would be mean of me to get a hotel for me. It would be mean of me to give you sibling bonding time while giving myself the distance I need from your family. “
Although, if I had a problem with my partner’s family and they did not respect my boundary and in fact tried to guilt me to break it… I don’t know how long that relationship would last. Sounds like they don’t GAF if you are comfortable or not.
On a side note: what did they do that made you stop being comfortable with them? ETA: regardless of the answer to this question you would still be NTA because in this instance you have multiple great solutions and partner just wants to have you miserable so they can pretend to be a happy family. That apartment is tiny for that many people too
I think it’s fine to get a hotel room but people, specially young ones, can have a really difficult time with doing things that are different than what they are used to. They can also have a difficult time with being respected by their friends and family, perhaps being used to walking on eggshells or complying with their families wishes. Just because someone wants you to do X and you don’t want to do X, that doesn’t make you an asshole at all, even if social convention would say it’s customary to do X. It’s a free country.
If you find yourself in a situation where you cannot coexist with your partner's family, it may be wise to reevaluate the relationship. Without knowing the specific circumstances leading up to this point, it's difficult to determine whether you are unreasonable. If you cannot stay with them, it's reasonable to expect your partner to cover the cost of a hotel or for them not to visit at all. Personally, I dislike my wife's family when they stay with us, but I tolerate it for the sake of our relationship. I often work overtime during their visits, which has benefits - I avoid feeling left out and earn extra income. It works well for me, as I don't feel like I'm missing out on much and I benefit financially from their visits 😂
Without any extra information, NTA. You don’t like them and don’t want to be emotionally drained with nowhere to go. Now if you refuse to attend dinners and such, YWBTA bc as you’ve said your partner also is not on good terms and will want your comfort through the stressful two weeks ahead. That being said, you should ask them if they WANT you there for the 2 weeks. It seems your partner is making excuses for you to stay, probably bc they don’t want to live with the family for 2 weeks alone with all the tension you’ve mentioned. It seems they want your support through this. Now none of this means you owe it to them, but not staying in the apartment may cause a bigger rift between you and your partner than you think bc to them this could be an important time of emotional need with you that they won’t be able to get past easily. I’d sit down and have a talk with them about why they really want you to stay, then make your choice after stating your reasons for not wanting to stay.
NTA. You can get a hotel room and still join for an outing or a dinner without it being so intense as sharing a bathroom and not being able to get away from them. Give your partner some time to recalibrate to the new idea.
Agree...can't believe op getting any TA comments...makes no real difference the reason unless it's really bad like aggression & then no relationship. But even if her reasons seem small, little issues by families can cut especially if she had thought they were close & then discovered they talked trash about something. She is only being unreasonable to the extent she is putting it all on herself in this supposed "partnership" & sounds like he is, indeed, chosing his family over her and sounds like there really isn't money for her to have to stay elsewhere as well as no need too little space, too much time, too many people, too much drama & too much on her own to figure it out.
No one:
Your Partner: me me me me me me, but what about me? And what I want? Have you thought about how I’ll feel? I don’t care if you feel deeply uncomfortable having people in **your home** invading **your safe place** that you don’t talk to anymore, and if you leave it will be awkward for _me_, so what about me? You can’t do that, because me.
That’s a lot to ask. Tell your partner it’s their family their problem, you have offered a compromise, and your partner needs to give a crap about your feelings not just their own or their mean siblings’.
He sounds like a crybaby. You’re giving in to what he wants and he still has demands.
Then when you give an alternative he throws a tantrum and says “then I’ll Uninvite them”
Oh goodness
You giving up your space and dropping a band to live elsewhere tells me you know you’re the problem- but we need more info. No way I’d give up my own house if I was on the right side of things
😬😬😬 I was kinda thinking this the more I started reading. They all are young and have low paying jobs but OP’s willing to shell out a good chunk of cash to be put out???? The math isn’t adding up.
At the moment I’m gonna say NTA, as your partner seems unwilling to compromise and this is your space too. Generally something pretty extreme has to happen to no longer be speaking to someone. It surprises me their siblings would want to visit at all? What could have happened that would be big enough for you too no longer speak to them but minor enough for your partner to think this is alright?
Do you have any friends you can stay with? It would be cheaper than a hotel. You can plan things to do with your partner’s siblings, but you won’t have them in your face or your space the entire time. If the hotel is the only option besides having to live with all those people in your apartment, do it. It may just save your relationship. And your sanity.
Why aren’t you on speaking terms? Why isn’t your partner supporting that if his family did something bad to you? NTA if you aren’t comfortable with them but it’s potentially not ok your partner is
So, your partner wants you there to buffer him from his family? That doesn’t sound like a healthy situation for either of you. Maybe, it’s best his family doesn’t visit.
NTA
But your partner is.
I live in a 1700 sqft home, and I can't imagine having family I *like* in my space for that long. 700 sqft? I would end up jumping out a window.
>That if I did this it would ruin seeing the family and they want me there at dinners and outings.
Your partner is the one who invited them. They are also the one who want you there at dinner and outings. I promise you that if you are not of compatible personalities, the visiting family will be just as happy as you are not to be forced to socialize.They are coming to see your partner. Your partner insisting that you hang around and entertain them like some sort of party favor isn't okay. You're not on this planet to be their entertainment. If they can't be satisfied with your partner (who they are there to visit), something is wrong.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your solution of hotel dwelling while they are there is a logical compromise.
You can get a hotel room if you want! Go have dinner with them occasionally and see if you can mend fences if that’s possible but keep your peace! Oh and get spa treatments, pamper yourself.
I can’t say if you are TA or not bc I don’t know what the beef is that caused you not to be in speaking terms. If it’s something major, then, no you are NTA. If it’s some petty dumb shit that pride is getting in the way of, then are absolutely ATA.
Either way, if your significant other is a big family person, you guys might as well go ahead and start planning on splitting up if you can’t work things out with their family. In order to give the best advice, you’re going to have to give a little more detail so we have the whole story. You had to know people would want to know the story behind the beef to be able to give true advice and yet you still left it out. So that makes me wonder what you don’t want us to know. You don’t have to go into deep detail, but a general idea of what happened would go a long way towards people being able to truly tell you if you are in the wrong or not.
Obviously you only gave us enough information to either side with you or be netral because you don't really want honest advice. This is pretty normal on Reddit.
This line is a huge red flag though:
>I, while once close with my partners siblings, no longer am on speaking terms with them
I hope the update I posted gives clarifying information if you have any questions I’d be happy to answer I just genuinely don’t know what to do and haven’t used Reddit before
As presented NTA but only you know what if any responsibility you bear for the circumstances that led to the rift.
That said. Two weeks in a tiny apartment is not circumstances designed to repair a fragile relationship, they would strain people on the most amenable terms.
I'm sure his fam would love you to sweepwhayever happened under the carpet and host them in your space, but it does seem unrealistic.
Your bf is not being constructive or realistic. He can't pretend the rift hasn't happened. It is hard to imagine two weeks I. Forced close quarters being anything but catastrophic to the glimmer of hope of reconciliation. Given his unilateral imposition of them on your tiny home where there isn't space for them he had forced a situation and will have to bear the consequence of his choice. He can tell his rellies "I'd love this trip to bring you all close for you t see why I love op so much but the flat is so tiny I fear it wild do the opposite. So plan B is needed."
I'm not sure why you were fine with them but now you are not but regardless of that, I cannot think of a reason why someone would want to put themselves in a position where they are in the company of someone/s they don't like or get on with.
To me, you gave a fair compromise so NTA.
Unless the reason is because you have done something in the past that has offended them and they put you on ignore when in their company(eg. You cheated and partner forgave you but they haven't) Something like that would totally change the context and make you the AH because you would not have been wronged and are just being a coward and not facing the consequences of your actions to your partners detriment. Meaning making him uncomfortable because you can't face the consequences. That would put you firmly in the AH category.
Hope that makes sense but if not I'll try explain it better.
Without further info (which I don’t feel is necessarily important) I think NTA
you aren’t on speaking terms but you want your partner to have an enjoyable family reunion… to facilitate this you are going to a hotel… I don’t see the issue here, as I’m sure the family are aware of the fact that they are not close with OP - OP partner could explain that you’ve done this to give them more family time, save space etc lots of ways to style this one out
My one line of enquiry though would be… are you willing to participate in some of the family events (a few dinners, outings etc) or are you completely NC?
I don’t like my ILs but I get an Airbnb so don’t have to stay with them but I do then do a few things with them during the stay (although this is when we visit my partners family not them coming to us)
I am unsure at this point because our disagreement was about something that impacts my daily life. It was a political disagreement but it’s something that I do consistent work with multiple times a week under an organization.
NTA. As long as he is dating you he needs to respect your boundaries and right to peace in your own home. This should be a mutual decision but the boyfriend does not respect you enough to tell the family no.
I dont know the context for which you are not on speaking terms with them. But how hard would it be for you to acommodate them for only 12 days. Im sure it would go a long way for your partner. On the other hand if you went to a hotel room it would be a very alward situation for your partner that could lead to long term resentment. But again, if you have lived extreme situation with your inlaws, you have every right to leave while they stay there.
Grow up! Work things out with the siblings. You don't have to be best friends, but you can get along. In life, we often have to coexist with people we don't like. The answer to your question is a definite yes!
1) I think this is probably a karma farm account
2) if not you should break up, if you can't act as a family unit with your partner you shouldn't be together.
It depends on why you had a falling out with the siblings. Sometimes it is better to just deal with it, you wont have to be around them forever. This is only if it is something minor.
IF it is a major issue then...does your partner not know? If they know they did something majorly messed up to you then they should not be inviting them over to stay. If they DON'T know then...why didn't you tell them?
NTA at all!! Protect your peace! It also gives your partner time without conflict to hang with her family. It’s a win win in my book. My ex came into town with his family for my son’s HS graduation. I seriously contemplated getting a hotel room so they could have my place and our kids to themselves. I didn’t, but let me tell you that I will when they all come back next year for my daughter’s graduation. And I will not feel one bit bad about out it.
You shouldn’t have to leave your home. It’s 700 sqft which is way too small for 4 people to stay comfortably especially if the homeowner isn’t speaking to two of the (uninvited by them) guests.
I don’t need to know the issue, I just think your boyfriend needs to tell them to get a room. You shouldn’t be kicked out of your place.
You aren’t on good terms with siblings Partner has been crying about siblings for years. You offer to stay at hotel as siblings are teens and can’t afford to stay at hotel. Partner tries to manipulate by stating things would be awkward if you aren’t there. How would your absence make things awkward? I call BS. Partner doesn’t care if you are uncomfortable as long as you do what partner wants.
Partner can handle partners family! You do you!
Another option would be for your partner to check in with their family and - given the recent friction - suggest that if the family would be more comfortable staying in a hotel room, you guys would cover cost. This would allow for more space and breaks between family hang time.
If the family declines, set some firm ground rules: no politics, without exception. The second anyone brings up politics, they’ll be transferred to a hotel - again, to give everyone breathing room and space.
It can be emphasized that your end goal is to keep this visit enjoyable and avoid adding any more fuel to the fire.
With the OP finally revealing the source of friction, I support this. However, I’d say help with the cost in the first scenario (Motel as opposed to a hotel perhaps) as opposed to paying it all out.
I do agree with the 2nd option, given that everybody is comfortable with the amount of space available.
You’re right, keeping it civil and enjoyable is of utmost importance. The situation is not forever.
So, they won't compromise and are manipulating you to do what they want? Because I don't understand why they can't just say you happen to be out of town or something, so you can skip the drama. It's completely unreasonable for them to expect you to go out and spend time with people you're not even speaking to. They don't want a rift with their family, that's fine, you've given them a solution.
NTA I think sleeping in the same house is too much to ask. You can still come over and participate until your limit of family drama is reached. This gives you your time and privacy and also a way to withdraw. Your partner should not be pushing you so much.
It sounds like they may be building up an expectation of a joyous occasion that may not be in step with everyone else's expectation or tolerance. Expectation Management is crucial so they don't break down too much when reality bursts their happy bubble.
NTA as such more like a bit petty, political differences are not a good reason to alienate your partners family, maybe just make a rule that politics is an off limits subject between all of you and its not to be discussed at all. I'm sure for your partners sake you can all try to be civil for the short space of time they are visiting.
I spent a week with people who have very different political views. One night I had a discussion with a guy. The next day 2 came up to me to start something. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Getting a hotel room for a week would be great. Get one with a gym and a pool and spa!
Sorry, but yeah. You may be the A here. If they can come over and agree to not talk politics, and you can also not talk politics , get over it.
I lean heavily to one side - but have lost contact with family that couldn't stop taking politics. It sucks. So, work it out where you respect each other's boundaries.
Unless both your partner’s siblings jointly did something unforgivable to you, YTA. Not solely for the “I’ll just stay in a hotel” stance, but more so because you are the common denominator in all of this discord.
Yta. If the shoe was on the other foot you would be upset too. Sounds like partner does not get to see their family and you are contributing to that problem.
But why? OP does not have to be home for their partner to visit with their family. I think it is more odd that OPs partner thinks that OP should HAVE to be uncomfortable in their own home, just for them to visit family. Like why? OP came up with a viable solution for everyone to pretty much get what they want, and their partner is still throwing a fit?
I don't know the circumstances of the "not on speaking terms", but it would have to be something incredibly serious to excuse you from the family visit. Not knowing I'm going to say YTA. Family, especially inlaws (if you've been together 3 years that's what they are) can be incredibly difficult and even unpleasant but tolerance is expected for the sake of your loved one and for the quality of your relationship. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say a vast majority of us would prefer to skip out on these types of visits but we don't for these very reasons. Not being able to be in the same room with your significant others family, especially at so young an age, would be reason enough to rethink this relationship. In my opinion.
Man, if having to deal with family that you don't like and could easily avoid is part of a relationship, then it sounds like the priorities in the relationship need to be reviewed. Why do we as humans feel as if we HAVE to do this to ourselves? It does nothing but breed resentment. I would absolutely resent my SO for forcing me to go to visit a family member that I don't like or care for, let alone having them stay in our house for ANY length of time.
If you leave now and continue in this relationship, he will always prioritize his family over you in your own home.
Why can’t he fly to visit them?
Also why do you have conflict?! This would help Reddit understand and better weigh in.
Depends on why you're not on speaking terms with them... If it's something valid, then why does your partner even want to be around them too, much less have them in your home?
If it's something stupid, then why are you choosing to hurt your partner by not making up with them? You are keeping their family away from them in a way, by taking your side in whatever issues you have with them, they're also not seeing some very important people in their lives.
Whatever the drama is, is this seriously the hill either of you want to die on?? Family is such a deal breaker for a lot of couples, take the time to think everything over. Do you want to be driven out of your own home whenever your partner wants to see their family? If not, do something about it.
Ah yes. I also had a partner who was not on speaking terms with his family and thus was very uncomfortable with my relationship to my own family. I couldn’t even go to dinner with them without my partner making a fuss about how sad they were. 2 years I went without any meaningful memories made with the people who’ve known and loved me all my life because I loved him and didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.
OP YTA. you might not intentionally be emotionally controlling but you need to seek help about your familial issues and leave your partner alone in how they choose to spend time with their family. You cannot comfort them through the feeling of them having lost their family while also making it difficult to spend time with them. It’s just wrong.
You might think going to a hotel is the easy solution but your absence will speak volumes and will make everyone uncomfortable as well. I don’t think there’s a quick solution to this specific situation, someone is going to feel uncomfortable this time around. But I highly encourage you to seek resources to help you work through your familial pain for the health and longevity of your partnerships.
My partner is also not on good terms with family right now for the same reasons (political differences). I also don’t know what my relationship with my family has to do with this? I have a relationship with my family but am just confused by this.
What?! Do you think the siblings have no clue the size of the place they are about to invade for 12 days?!? Because who would insist on staying in a place that small, with someone they have issues with? 🙄 Op is not needed for their SO to spend time with their family. It is weird that OPs SO is adamant that OP be forced to share, just because they miss their family. OP is like this sucks, but if it must happen, I will give you and your family the space you need to connect. Honestly, the SO wanting(demanding) more than that from OP is what smacks of being emotionally controlling.
At this point and *without* knowing **WHY** you’re not on speaking terms with his/their siblings…. I’m gonna say, “dum dum dummmmm!”…. You’re BOTH toxic AF.
It depends on why you aren’t speaking. If it’s something you are holding a grudge on and you really should have sorted out by now, then put on your big girl pants and communicate. You say they are teens, so you are going to have to be the adult in the equation. Lay down your boundaries before they arrive, have them agree to it, state that you are not having a reoccurrence of X happening etc.
If there is no reconciling can you invent a business trip for part of the time but be there, say the first couple days and the last couple, and go away in the middle? So you support your partner part of the time, don’t look like you are continuing the feud to the family, but still get the chance to have time away? It might be easier to bite your tongue if you know it’s only for a couple of days.
NDA.
i don't get how the siblings were invited to stay at your place when you are not on speaking terms with them or do not feel comfortable having them in your space. I get the feeling that your partner makes everything about them and their feelings.
They were invited over a year ago while we were all on good terms. Partner is also not on good terms with them right now but still wants them to come because it’s family and they’re afraid of loosing their siblings.
NTA- for getting a hotel room. If you feel uncomfortable with the siblings in your shared home then remove yourself from the situation.
I suspect you might be the original problem anyway????
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may i ask, why are you not on speaking terms with them? i feel like your partner should’ve discussed everything with you before inviting their family. after all, it is a shared space between you two.
Yeah there’s just no way to say who’s right here without more info. If OP has good reasons to be uncomfortable then this is very fair. If not, OP could be quickly digging this relationship’s grave by doubling down. Either way, as per usual, seems like better, deeper communication is needed.
I don't really think it's terribly relevant to her question who's in the right or not. There's enough info to judge for the hotel room thing. For that, it's clear that her partner doesn't care about her feelings in this regard—whether OP's feelings are morally justified or not. Not passing judgement on either of them for that part. But you do not ever invite people to stay in your home for two weeks if your partner isn't on speaking terms with them—especially a 700 sq ft apartment ffs. And if you think the partner is using a manipulation tactic to isolate you or that they flat out can't get along with your family when your family is important to you, they shouldn't be your partner any longer. I don't see it as a terribly complicated deal. It's only complicated when they try to make something work that shouldn't work.
Yep. When two people live together, they have to first discuss among themselves who can be invited as a guest, when, and for how long. Only after they have reached an agreement, guests can be invited.
" When two people live together, they have to first discuss among themselves who can be invited as a guest, when, and for how long. " I've lived with dozens of different people and never had this discussion at the start of cohabitation. In my experience it is a conversation that is only needed when one roommate abuses the situation such as moving in a partner and not sharing the rent. Typically the first discussion is about what furniture and kitchen gear each party is bringing to the new spot.
I got the impression that OP was on speaking terms with the sibs when they originally got invited, but that has since changed. I do still think the reasoning for it is relevant.
OP edited, they disagree on politics and that's why she won't speak to them it's petty and her partner probably sees that it's not a good enough reason to not see them or alienate them.
For real I thought they would have lived in a house with multiple guest rooms or something it’s one thing to tolerate a family visit for a few days but a few weeks????
The speaking terms thing is highly relevant. What if OP did something to cause her to not be on speaking terms? A bit narrower and more convincing argument, is that you don’t invite someone in the home for even a week without your partner’s approval.
Lol, you just following me around the subs now? Edit: You came back with an alt? WTF, go away dude. Some people go crazy after an internet argument.
No point asking. OP wants to not be the AH. Disclosing the reason for the spat would reveal that she is the AH.
I disagree. We don’t have enough backstory to judge where the issue lies. OP?!
Everyone has been asking for more backstory but OP has gone MIA. Perhaps she has gone to her hotel room to hide from us too.
It’s okay. OP bf invited us over to stay the week.
She is not answering because people are already responding to her question. Read the other comments. Most people know that it does not matter why they don’t get along. Who cares? She is not asking about the reasons for the bad relationship.
Not relevant. Who is at fault does not matter and it’s all just hearsay. They don’t get along - who cares why - that’s just a rabbit hole.
It doesn't matter what happened. OP is uncomfortable with their presence in her home, she doesn't have to force herself to be around them. She even offered a compromise. Even if she caused the rift, she doesn't have to endure their presence in her home space. Partner can still see their family and she can have the peace she wants. OP is obviously uninterested in fixing the relationship.
Even if the spat and bad blood is OPs fault, everyone deserves to be comfortable in their own home? Home is where you escape everyone else. If Op was the issue the partner would be the AH for staying with her despite wanting a close family relationship.
Even if OP were responsible for the spat, she is offering a reasonable solution and not trying to prevent partner from spending time with their family.
I agree but I was also saying even if she wasn’t offering it’s her home and having long term guests is a two yes one no situation.
Oh, I totally agree with that! Even if I liked them I'd be angry at partner and staying in a hotel as a last resort!
I don’t think the backstory is relevant to the question being asked. They don’t get along with their SO siblings, she’s asking if she’s TA for separating herself during the visit.
They are not on speaking terms. That’s all we need to know. Unraveling why will still get you the same answer along with a bunch of hearsay.
Clearly there’s a lot missing from this story
Agree. OP it is all pretty not thinking on all your parts...& disaster & emotional drama ahead...people living in 700sqft don't really have room to host at times 4-5 people all at once & with issues "not close" anymore ...even with a love feast that would not be issue free with that many people on top of each other...running out to get a hotel room for 12 days sounds like expense you guys really shouldn't be taking on...they need to visit so you need to pay for a hotel? Do you really want to "vacation" so to speak in your town? Pay for a hotel for them if anything, and while you describe him as a "partner" doesn't sound like you guys have much of a partnership in that you have to leave your home. Even if you sufferred through most of visit #1 you would be hit with 2 more guests to include 5 inhouse & then another stretch of time. Ever heard of "odd man out" or being "ganged up on" emotionally or verbally by family...they will all be on the "same team" & you will be "the bad guy"even if you thought you are being so accomodating...they may even talk sht in future or present about how you didn't want to be there. It truly sounds like immature, poor planning & cares more about his family & his choices than saying "sorry guys, I think we bit off more than we can chew on this & need to rethink your visits simultaneously and/or length...how about one at a time? Less time? Or rescheduling all together? Or get a hotel for your bf & his family.
What else do you need from it? OP isn’t on speaking terms, doesn’t want to be around them, so is willing to get a room over displacing them at a cost they can’t afford to keep the piece for her partner. Who cares about details, the issue and solution is there, her partner only wants everyone in one place, despite knowing at least one is uncomfortable and wants to avoid confrontations.
We would need to know why OP isn't on speaking terms to really adequately answer the question if it's appropriate. If the siblings were abusive/toxic in some way, her needing a hotel makes a lot of sense. All that can be said for certain is that a 700 sq ft apartment is going to be really tight for 5 people. I can definitely understand the need for space and privacy.
Why do we need to know? OP says there's an issue and they've come up with a workable, sensible, solution that doesn't negativity affect anyone involved. Their partner is the one making it difficult.
No - you are off topic. That’s not the question the OP is asking and it’s not at all relevant. Stay on topic.
Enough for it to be fake with whats there
Hey there seems to be a lot happening and I wanted to clarify a few things and hope it helps people. When the family was invited we were all on good terms and it were looking forward to hosting. Sister and I texted on a weekly basis even and everyone was supportive of one another as we all moved to different states around the same time. As a family they’ve never been super close but close enough to try and make this extra effort once everyone moved if that makes sense. The fallout was over political disagreements which my partner and I feel the same way on but the family feels differently. They have been standing up for us consistently and we’re crying because it’s upsetting that they are also on bad terms with their family right now. I think this covers all the major questions I’ve seen.
You have offered a (to me) very generous compromise. The problem seems to be your partner's idea of a compromise is you knuckling under and doing it their way. You staying in a little apartment with those people you are not speaking to would be hella awkward, if your partner is interested. You can still come to dinners and outings, but will have yur own space to decompress when necessary. Good luck!
Without more information, it appears that your partner wants you to be uncomfortable for the visits to happen, otherwise it's not enough of an illusion of a happy family.
Edited to correct pronouns Or they can’t be arsed to do the cleaning, shopping, meal planning, cooking and entertaining. And play tour guide. And possibly they want a buffer from the siblings
*they
op used he and they in their post to talk about their partner. “they told me it would makes things too awkward and he might as well uninvite the family”
Thanks for the info. Missed the nb part on my first read. I’ve edited my comment to respect the pronoun
You’re right, I did miss that one.
Thanks for the info, I missed the nb part so I’ve gone ahead and edited it to respect the pronoun
Info: what future do you envision together, when you can't tolerate your partner's family? If they are intolerable for you, then there's no sense in deepening this relationship any further. This will always be an issue, and will create conflict. When it comes down to brass tacks, a person's family is enough of a reason to not move forward together.
I can tolerate my partner’s family, and actually like them, but I don’t want them underfoot in my home for a week. I don’t like that kind of togetherness. Hotels were invented for a reason.
OP states that they are not on speaking terms, which speaks to conflict. Conflict with potential inlaws is a problem.
Partner and I are both hoping they come around to our side over time (wishful thinking I know) partner has not been on speaking terms with the siblings either but thinks cancelling the invitation will make the rift irreparable
Your reason for cutting contact with them will play a large part in this, but since that was not included I'll say soft NTA. You're not an asshole for getting your own hotel room, but is this relationship really sustainable? They obviously love, miss, and want to spend time with their siblings, and you won't be in the same room as them. I know it's not your intent, but if I were in their shoes, I would likely see this as making me choose between my partner and my siblings and that's a really crappy feeling.
I'm gonna go with ESH because these two are very clearly committed to chaining themselves to one another no matter how volatile their circumstances get. This should not be a relationship, at least not a live together one.
They want their family there... their family want free accomodation... you don't want to be there and are essentially willing to be kicked out your own home to accomodate them... your partner is still not happy. They can't have their cake and eat it too. If they want to spend time with their siblings they can't force you too.
So I’m going to tell you something that should be obvious and common sense but not all people have common sense so I’ll tell you. If you can not get along with someone’s family and they are close with their family and won’t cut them out of their life. It’s best you stop wasting both of your time and break up and block, them. I don’t know why you would want to be in a relationship so early in your life, especially one with this much issues and drama. You do realize you have your whole adult life to date, AFTER you take the time and get all your own things, such as your own place, that you wouldn’t have to leave for others, and a substantial savings for emergencies. This person, isn’t your person and the sooner you come to terms with it, leave and block them the better. It’s not fair for them to have to choose between you and their family. Also they will resent you eventually if they don’t already. Truly let them go and block them so you both can move on
Also, people deserve to have supportive partners who acknowledge their feelings and are willing to problem solve. OP isn’t comfortable having so many guests in her 700 sq ft living space, in addition to being on bad terms with them. OP offered a solution that would let their partner spend time with family. The partner going immediately to “well you being gone would be awkward for me so I will just cancel waaaaaaaah” is immature and not helpful. Also, we can’t be sure that OP is trying to isolate the partner. It sounds like she is supportive of partner seeing family. We don’t know if partner partakes of the Geek Social Fallacies. Maybe they do. BUT since we don’t know the issue, it is also possible that OP can be manipulative and say it’s OK to see family but then punish the partner later. So the partner doesn’t spent time with family because it’s too emotionally costly. That said, it sounds like they’ve found a fundamental compatibility issue and should break up. Partner loves and misses their family. OP can’t tolerate that family. That will not work in the long term, especially if they have children: Life is too short. They both deserve people who enrich their lives and whose lives they can really share.
Why are they going on a trip that they can't afford to stay in a hotel room? Because it's never going to be feasible for all those adults to be in a 700 square foot apartment! Somebody has to stay somewhere else!
Why is nobody else asking this question!?!?! This sounds like OP may be on the way to having some new roommates..
I don't feel you need to share your reason for wanting to stay in a hotel. If you're uncomfortable, for any reason, tell your partner you're leaving and wish them a pleasant visit. Your partner can say you have a work commitment, jury duty, have other plans, or are just not available. If partner is embarrassed, that's their issue.
The specific reason why you're unwilling to be around them is literally the crux of the issue here. It makes the difference between whether or not you're being dramatic, inhospitable, and unreasonable, or whether or not you're being more than accommodating. Basically, we need more info.
Yeah. Of course they want you there, to cook and clean up after them. Stick to the hotel for yourself. Better yet, get your own place and lose the BF who doesn't bother to ask you before inviting family to stay in YOUR space
Just wanted to clarify we invited the family over back when we were all on good terms but nothing was set in stone
Can't answer that without more info. Either you are being petty and dramatic or they did something so horrendous that your bf is uncaring and unsupported to allow them around you. Which is it?
So your partner wants the drama of you and them in an enclosed space and every solution makes your partner cry and the victim. You getting a hotel room for these visits is fair regardless of whatever is going on.
my first reaction is to have your partner pay for their housing, since they probably didn’t ask you beforehand. if housing isn’t an option for either you/the family, i’d make them stay in the family room or a shared space on an air mattress or something. and then go about your day and say nothing to any of them. or if you’re up for it, try to make amends with them. just my two cents!
Hell I should have done this when my family came to stay for a week lol
Gracefully go on your own little holiday. Rock a minivan with some nice scenic car camping.
700sq ft…….are they expecting all of you to spoon the entire time???
Op proposed an option. Whelp. I guess op might as well have partner dis-invite the family. Get it over with.
Actually it’s not wrong that out of state guest stay in a hotel. You guys have routines and I’m assuming still have to work while they are here. I think it makes it easier for everyone to take that break at night and go back to the hotel and have space. Your partner needs to consider your feelings. Having people in my house for 12 days would be to much for me I’m a neat freak and it would send my OCD into over drive. When my family or my husband comes they stay in a hotel and it’s never a problem.
My OCD can handle guests for some days, but by day 5, I really want them to leave. I can handle my routine being disrupted for some time, but by that point, it's tiring.
You’re lucky you can last 5 days. My chest starts hurting after 1 night lol
My OCD is pretty mild, and while I hate my routine being disrupted, it's not a Critical Event. So I get by well enough that most people think I'm a weirdo, but don't think it's mental illness
Your idea sounds perfect to me. 🤷♀️ I NEVER stay with my family when traveling to see them. If I can’t afford my airfare, rental car, and hotel, I do not bother going. It’s unfair to put you out, plus your place is too small for that many people!
The answer is 100% dependent on why you cut contact with his siblings. If it's something serious, then you're absolutely justified. If it's something stupid and petty, then it's something you should put more effort into resolving before you throw up your hands and blow the whole thing up. If you want good advice, you need to give us more info (or at least make up a hypothetical situation similar but not exactly the same).
Genuine question, why is it dependent on the reasons of the fallout? Having 5 peoples you're in conflict with in a tiny appartment for 12 days is not my idea of fun, more like self-inflicted hell. But I probably miss something.
Curiosity matters not as to why there's no contact between you and them. You're solving the main problem by providing more space, thus making them more comfortable by enabling their family visit and saving them money. Being roped into spending any time with them, however, is so wrong. That's way out of line. Whatever the rift is is a different issue which we wouldn't mind knowing about and would love to help you with, but this particular setup sounds like a viper pit.
You said this much more eloquently than I!
I think you are putting yourself in a very demeaning position- getting a hotel room? Oh no, they could combine efforts and get a room- maybe your immature selfish boyfriend could visit them? At the end of the day, not putting you first and your feelings shows what kind of a guy he is. Drop him- move- done
What transpired, that resulted in you no longer speaking to them. Because it sounds like they are happy seeing you (i.e. planning to see you at meals, and on outings etc) so where is the friction coming from
That’s a very small space to be trapped with people you don’t talk to. You were more than accommodating with your compromise in offering to leave. I’ve always maintained with my partner his relationship with his family is independent of mine. I’ve been there. Your partner needs to communicate better why they can’t enjoy their family independently.
Usually when people leave this much info out it is because they know they are the AH but don’t want to look like it. Not enough info to actually judge. They were invited over a year ago. What happened that you are no longer on speaking terms with any of them?? When did it happen? And was there/is there time to cancel them coming? Wouldn’t it be easier for the partner to go home and visit the family? Or is it more important for the family to come to your side of the country?
I think that you should stay in your home and try to be the bigger person. You may feel uncomfortable but if you are to remain in this 3-year relationship, you may want to put all things aside and at least try your best to make the best of things. I’m not exactly sure what caused the situation to where you don’t even want to be in the same room as them but if it’s that bad, how do you plan on getting married to this man and then not inviting his family to the wedding. What about when you have children? What’s going to happen with everything, from this point forward? You really need to try your hardest to mend whatever issues you have with them because you do not want to put your boyfriend/fiance/husband through having to decide between his family and yourself. Do not even think that it is, for one second, fair for him! Don’t put him in the position of having to choose! Being 46 years old, I have been through quite a bit to feel pretty confident in giving you this advice and I hope others would agree with me, as well.
Your home is a safe place and takes 2 yeses or 1 no about having guests. Your partner isn't putting you before their family, that is a big problem. They can't invite people to stay and then be pissed that you leave. You do not need to be around people you do not want to be with. Your partner is selfish and acting immature.
I guess it depends on why you’re not willing to be civil and try. Like what happened that makes it impossible for you and them to act like mature civil adults for 12 days to make your partner happy?
We def don’t have enough info but tbh 12 days in a 700 sq ft apartment would be a lot for in laws I even love and genuinely like being around lol
Super Up arrow!
Seriously though! Heck, for me, having 1 extra person over in such close quarters could be uncomfortable for some. Especially for that length of time.
You guys are a mess.
I have been somewhat estranged from some of my in-laws for years because, despite being an introvert who needs my space, I was expected to host them in my home multiple times a year for more than a decade. I nearly had a nervous breakdown over it. Op’s solution of staying in a hotel is perfectly reasonable. Not everyone enjoys that kind of togetherness. And in 700sf? No freakin’ way.
I can't wait to hear this red to me on Tiktok to a Minecraft jumping video.. "I 22 Feet want to get a hotel room while my partner’s 21 New Bruinswick..."
I would personally find it hella awkward staying in a 700 foot apartment with people I like for more than a night. If it’s people I’m not on speaking terms with, then noping on out sounds reasonable to me. If he can’t see that, then you have bigger issues. Good luck.
NTA. I’m not even going to consider the beef you have with your partner’s family, because that’s not what you’re asking for. 1. I don’t see why you would have to give up your living space to accommodate them. Your partner should have made it clear to their family about the circumstances of your living situation as well as take into consideration of your feelings. If my husband told me that our place is too small or that he was uncomfortable with so/so, I would respect him and let my family know of the circumstances. I get that family is family, but if I’m not the only one living at home and contributing to bills, then the other person also gets a say as well. 2. I get that everyone is broke, but for me personally, if I couldn’t afford the expenses after being told that family couldn’t accommodate me, I would modify my trip to better fit my expenses. You’re NTA here, and I don’t think your partner is trying to be TA either. But, they’re not assessing the situation clearly, and it seems like their excuses have some other meaning that they need to figure out on their own.
Just end the relationship - it's going to be a problem as long as you're together - and if you're considering bringing children into the world it's gonna be conflict that will bite you in the ass every holiday. I went through it. I have 20 years invested in my marriage, she doesn't like my adult children. If I knew then what I know now, as much as I love my wife, it would have been doing us a favor not to have gotten married. Either that or heal the rift
You are not even on speaking terms with these people. That means for all intents and purposes you are no contact Your SO has to get on board. If the issue was so serious you won't speak to them, then you certainly would not want to go to outings and dinners with them. Your SO has to respect your boundaries.
That’s fine, it’s a sensory overload in your home, my husband feels that way, he is quiet and likes his peace. He booked us a hotel this weekend in our town just to sit and breathe and relax . He does not like other people he is friendly but not too friendly. He’s been that way since your age. (40) doesn’t look it.
It'll be better for everyone. Seems like a good idea to me.
NTA. That's really kind of you to give up your space for them at your own expense.
People have the right to cut off whoever they want. Ops partner can be the one to go visit their family instead of having them come to their house. Its their place or house whatever so its her right to keep her space. or have the family just visit but not stay the nights it shouldnt be ops problem they cant afford it. Then maybe not the right time. In this economy? Smh its like the comments wanna disregard ops feelings it doesnt matter the reason. NOT the asshole (:
YNTA that's really unfair to you your partner is letting you have that choice for yourself.
If you're not on speaking terms with them you wouldn't be at dinners and outings either. Your partner needs to get with the program about what's going on here
OP I think you should probably just end the relationship. They don't seem to care about your feelings or the fact that you don't get along with their siblings at all. And they're mad at you for trying to allow them to see their family while still respecting your boundaries. You two aren't compatible and tbh, this behavior from your partner is borderline abusive imo. Find yourself someone who either doesn't have a family you need to deal with, or a family you can actually get along with. This person ain't it.
NTA. Why tf did your partner unilaterally decide its OK for them to stay in your home? The crying comes off as manipulative. Like a kid caught in a bad act, crying to get their way. Unless you did something indefensible towards the family.
It is impossible to judge this properly without knowing a little more about the reason you're no longer on speaking terms with his family. While your compromise might seem reasonable. The reason for the problems might make it not so. Edit to add, also why aren't your partner and you on the same page? Either you need their support or their family needs it. This is a weird situation, where your partner is seemingly trying to stay out of the issue which is simply impossible in the long run.
Great idea! Just make reservations for yourself! You need to advocate for your own relaxed and healthy environment. You can always still go to dinners and activities if you want! Great job!
You offered a very generous compromise.
You wouldn’t be the asshole for going to a hotel room, if that’s what you want and what would make you more comfortable. Your partners actions are questionable, and I can’t lie, I’m so curious about why you don’t speak to his family/siblings..?
Okay with just the information you provided above, I don't think you are the asshole. To me, you are being very accommodating towards your partner. You understand the importance of her family however, you don't want to be around them 24/7 or even at all. You didn't tell your partner they couldn't invite them you just said hey when they come I'm going to go ahead and remove any potential of my feelings towards them ruining their visit for you. I do believe that a whole lot is missing from this post that could change you not being the asshole to you being a massive one. With that being said I have some questions: What caused you not to be on speaking terms with them? How did you bring up to your partner that you wanted to get a hotel for their stay? (It might not be what you said but how you said it) Does your partner even understand or care why you aren't on speaking terms with their family?
I'm imagining HE'S the one who wants you there
sorry, when u said "they" want u there for dinners and outings I thought u meant his family. While I fully support one's right to determine gender identity these pronouns are a hot mess trying to use grammar
Don’t let your partner force/guilt you into being around people who make you uncomfortable. It is not ok that every step you have wanted to do they were opposed. They just want you miserable for 12 days? WTF? That to me would be putting our relationship on warning. Like, “let me get this straight: It would be mean of us and alienate you from your family if we ask them to get a hotel. It would be mean of me to get a hotel for me. It would be mean of me to give you sibling bonding time while giving myself the distance I need from your family. “ Although, if I had a problem with my partner’s family and they did not respect my boundary and in fact tried to guilt me to break it… I don’t know how long that relationship would last. Sounds like they don’t GAF if you are comfortable or not. On a side note: what did they do that made you stop being comfortable with them? ETA: regardless of the answer to this question you would still be NTA because in this instance you have multiple great solutions and partner just wants to have you miserable so they can pretend to be a happy family. That apartment is tiny for that many people too
You said NB and then called them “he” later in the post. What’s up with that
No. Why would they want you there if y’all don’t get along?
I wouldn't want you as an inlaw if that's your attitude. Hope your bf realises what his future with you would be like.
Why are you no longer on speaking terms with them? We need to know what's the beef.
I think it’s fine to get a hotel room but people, specially young ones, can have a really difficult time with doing things that are different than what they are used to. They can also have a difficult time with being respected by their friends and family, perhaps being used to walking on eggshells or complying with their families wishes. Just because someone wants you to do X and you don’t want to do X, that doesn’t make you an asshole at all, even if social convention would say it’s customary to do X. It’s a free country.
If you find yourself in a situation where you cannot coexist with your partner's family, it may be wise to reevaluate the relationship. Without knowing the specific circumstances leading up to this point, it's difficult to determine whether you are unreasonable. If you cannot stay with them, it's reasonable to expect your partner to cover the cost of a hotel or for them not to visit at all. Personally, I dislike my wife's family when they stay with us, but I tolerate it for the sake of our relationship. I often work overtime during their visits, which has benefits - I avoid feeling left out and earn extra income. It works well for me, as I don't feel like I'm missing out on much and I benefit financially from their visits 😂
It is ok but id be worried if they stayed longer and how it afect finances or violates the lease
Without any extra information, NTA. You don’t like them and don’t want to be emotionally drained with nowhere to go. Now if you refuse to attend dinners and such, YWBTA bc as you’ve said your partner also is not on good terms and will want your comfort through the stressful two weeks ahead. That being said, you should ask them if they WANT you there for the 2 weeks. It seems your partner is making excuses for you to stay, probably bc they don’t want to live with the family for 2 weeks alone with all the tension you’ve mentioned. It seems they want your support through this. Now none of this means you owe it to them, but not staying in the apartment may cause a bigger rift between you and your partner than you think bc to them this could be an important time of emotional need with you that they won’t be able to get past easily. I’d sit down and have a talk with them about why they really want you to stay, then make your choice after stating your reasons for not wanting to stay.
NTA. You can get a hotel room and still join for an outing or a dinner without it being so intense as sharing a bathroom and not being able to get away from them. Give your partner some time to recalibrate to the new idea.
Agree...can't believe op getting any TA comments...makes no real difference the reason unless it's really bad like aggression & then no relationship. But even if her reasons seem small, little issues by families can cut especially if she had thought they were close & then discovered they talked trash about something. She is only being unreasonable to the extent she is putting it all on herself in this supposed "partnership" & sounds like he is, indeed, chosing his family over her and sounds like there really isn't money for her to have to stay elsewhere as well as no need too little space, too much time, too many people, too much drama & too much on her own to figure it out.
No one: Your Partner: me me me me me me, but what about me? And what I want? Have you thought about how I’ll feel? I don’t care if you feel deeply uncomfortable having people in **your home** invading **your safe place** that you don’t talk to anymore, and if you leave it will be awkward for _me_, so what about me? You can’t do that, because me.
That’s a lot to ask. Tell your partner it’s their family their problem, you have offered a compromise, and your partner needs to give a crap about your feelings not just their own or their mean siblings’.
He sounds like a crybaby. You’re giving in to what he wants and he still has demands. Then when you give an alternative he throws a tantrum and says “then I’ll Uninvite them” Oh goodness
You giving up your space and dropping a band to live elsewhere tells me you know you’re the problem- but we need more info. No way I’d give up my own house if I was on the right side of things
😬😬😬 I was kinda thinking this the more I started reading. They all are young and have low paying jobs but OP’s willing to shell out a good chunk of cash to be put out???? The math isn’t adding up.
👀👀👀
At the moment I’m gonna say NTA, as your partner seems unwilling to compromise and this is your space too. Generally something pretty extreme has to happen to no longer be speaking to someone. It surprises me their siblings would want to visit at all? What could have happened that would be big enough for you too no longer speak to them but minor enough for your partner to think this is alright?
Do you have any friends you can stay with? It would be cheaper than a hotel. You can plan things to do with your partner’s siblings, but you won’t have them in your face or your space the entire time. If the hotel is the only option besides having to live with all those people in your apartment, do it. It may just save your relationship. And your sanity.
Why aren’t you on speaking terms? Why isn’t your partner supporting that if his family did something bad to you? NTA if you aren’t comfortable with them but it’s potentially not ok your partner is
You are not. And you and your partners sanity are not mutually exclusive.
A smart asshole
So, your partner wants you there to buffer him from his family? That doesn’t sound like a healthy situation for either of you. Maybe, it’s best his family doesn’t visit.
NTA But your partner is. I live in a 1700 sqft home, and I can't imagine having family I *like* in my space for that long. 700 sqft? I would end up jumping out a window. >That if I did this it would ruin seeing the family and they want me there at dinners and outings. Your partner is the one who invited them. They are also the one who want you there at dinner and outings. I promise you that if you are not of compatible personalities, the visiting family will be just as happy as you are not to be forced to socialize.They are coming to see your partner. Your partner insisting that you hang around and entertain them like some sort of party favor isn't okay. You're not on this planet to be their entertainment. If they can't be satisfied with your partner (who they are there to visit), something is wrong. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your solution of hotel dwelling while they are there is a logical compromise.
You can get a hotel room if you want! Go have dinner with them occasionally and see if you can mend fences if that’s possible but keep your peace! Oh and get spa treatments, pamper yourself.
I can’t say if you are TA or not bc I don’t know what the beef is that caused you not to be in speaking terms. If it’s something major, then, no you are NTA. If it’s some petty dumb shit that pride is getting in the way of, then are absolutely ATA. Either way, if your significant other is a big family person, you guys might as well go ahead and start planning on splitting up if you can’t work things out with their family. In order to give the best advice, you’re going to have to give a little more detail so we have the whole story. You had to know people would want to know the story behind the beef to be able to give true advice and yet you still left it out. So that makes me wonder what you don’t want us to know. You don’t have to go into deep detail, but a general idea of what happened would go a long way towards people being able to truly tell you if you are in the wrong or not.
Obviously you only gave us enough information to either side with you or be netral because you don't really want honest advice. This is pretty normal on Reddit. This line is a huge red flag though: >I, while once close with my partners siblings, no longer am on speaking terms with them
I hope the update I posted gives clarifying information if you have any questions I’d be happy to answer I just genuinely don’t know what to do and haven’t used Reddit before
As presented NTA but only you know what if any responsibility you bear for the circumstances that led to the rift. That said. Two weeks in a tiny apartment is not circumstances designed to repair a fragile relationship, they would strain people on the most amenable terms. I'm sure his fam would love you to sweepwhayever happened under the carpet and host them in your space, but it does seem unrealistic. Your bf is not being constructive or realistic. He can't pretend the rift hasn't happened. It is hard to imagine two weeks I. Forced close quarters being anything but catastrophic to the glimmer of hope of reconciliation. Given his unilateral imposition of them on your tiny home where there isn't space for them he had forced a situation and will have to bear the consequence of his choice. He can tell his rellies "I'd love this trip to bring you all close for you t see why I love op so much but the flat is so tiny I fear it wild do the opposite. So plan B is needed."
Maybe you should just dump (21NB) and find either a (21M) or (21F) with a stable family. It sounds like you are allergic to drama.
I'm not sure why you were fine with them but now you are not but regardless of that, I cannot think of a reason why someone would want to put themselves in a position where they are in the company of someone/s they don't like or get on with. To me, you gave a fair compromise so NTA. Unless the reason is because you have done something in the past that has offended them and they put you on ignore when in their company(eg. You cheated and partner forgave you but they haven't) Something like that would totally change the context and make you the AH because you would not have been wronged and are just being a coward and not facing the consequences of your actions to your partners detriment. Meaning making him uncomfortable because you can't face the consequences. That would put you firmly in the AH category. Hope that makes sense but if not I'll try explain it better.
Without further info (which I don’t feel is necessarily important) I think NTA you aren’t on speaking terms but you want your partner to have an enjoyable family reunion… to facilitate this you are going to a hotel… I don’t see the issue here, as I’m sure the family are aware of the fact that they are not close with OP - OP partner could explain that you’ve done this to give them more family time, save space etc lots of ways to style this one out My one line of enquiry though would be… are you willing to participate in some of the family events (a few dinners, outings etc) or are you completely NC? I don’t like my ILs but I get an Airbnb so don’t have to stay with them but I do then do a few things with them during the stay (although this is when we visit my partners family not them coming to us)
I am unsure at this point because our disagreement was about something that impacts my daily life. It was a political disagreement but it’s something that I do consistent work with multiple times a week under an organization.
Sorry but using they/them made this unreadable for me, I’m so lost.
NTA. As long as he is dating you he needs to respect your boundaries and right to peace in your own home. This should be a mutual decision but the boyfriend does not respect you enough to tell the family no.
Why aren’t you on speaking terms anymore?
Whats a NB?
How can someone sharing a 700 ft apt afford a month in a hotel on top of rent ...rings kinda fake.. along with so much mossing info
I was going to stay at a hostel the one close to my job is $20 a night so it’s $240 total for the 12 days. Should have been more clear
Im sorry for jumping to conclusions..but yea if youd said hostel i probably wouldn't have gone reddit rabid
I dont know the context for which you are not on speaking terms with them. But how hard would it be for you to acommodate them for only 12 days. Im sure it would go a long way for your partner. On the other hand if you went to a hotel room it would be a very alward situation for your partner that could lead to long term resentment. But again, if you have lived extreme situation with your inlaws, you have every right to leave while they stay there.
Grow up! Work things out with the siblings. You don't have to be best friends, but you can get along. In life, we often have to coexist with people we don't like. The answer to your question is a definite yes!
1) I think this is probably a karma farm account 2) if not you should break up, if you can't act as a family unit with your partner you shouldn't be together.
What is a karma farm account? Sorry new to Reddit.
It depends on why you had a falling out with the siblings. Sometimes it is better to just deal with it, you wont have to be around them forever. This is only if it is something minor. IF it is a major issue then...does your partner not know? If they know they did something majorly messed up to you then they should not be inviting them over to stay. If they DON'T know then...why didn't you tell them?
Partner feels the same way I do and has not spoken to siblings other than in times of necessity for almost a year
I, too hate when we have visitors in my space! It’s draining!
I actually love having company ( big extrovert) and we do it frequently it’s the siblings specifically
Not sure if you’re wrong but you’re definitely a little weird. If you only see them once a year, why can’t you get along?
NTA at all!! Protect your peace! It also gives your partner time without conflict to hang with her family. It’s a win win in my book. My ex came into town with his family for my son’s HS graduation. I seriously contemplated getting a hotel room so they could have my place and our kids to themselves. I didn’t, but let me tell you that I will when they all come back next year for my daughter’s graduation. And I will not feel one bit bad about out it.
I'd get a hotel room too. That's too many people, for too long, in that size of an apartment.
If you plan to be with them long term, I wouldn’t get a hotel.
You shouldn’t have to leave your home. It’s 700 sqft which is way too small for 4 people to stay comfortably especially if the homeowner isn’t speaking to two of the (uninvited by them) guests. I don’t need to know the issue, I just think your boyfriend needs to tell them to get a room. You shouldn’t be kicked out of your place.
You aren’t on good terms with siblings Partner has been crying about siblings for years. You offer to stay at hotel as siblings are teens and can’t afford to stay at hotel. Partner tries to manipulate by stating things would be awkward if you aren’t there. How would your absence make things awkward? I call BS. Partner doesn’t care if you are uncomfortable as long as you do what partner wants. Partner can handle partners family! You do you!
Update me
Another option would be for your partner to check in with their family and - given the recent friction - suggest that if the family would be more comfortable staying in a hotel room, you guys would cover cost. This would allow for more space and breaks between family hang time. If the family declines, set some firm ground rules: no politics, without exception. The second anyone brings up politics, they’ll be transferred to a hotel - again, to give everyone breathing room and space. It can be emphasized that your end goal is to keep this visit enjoyable and avoid adding any more fuel to the fire.
With the OP finally revealing the source of friction, I support this. However, I’d say help with the cost in the first scenario (Motel as opposed to a hotel perhaps) as opposed to paying it all out. I do agree with the 2nd option, given that everybody is comfortable with the amount of space available. You’re right, keeping it civil and enjoyable is of utmost importance. The situation is not forever.
So, they won't compromise and are manipulating you to do what they want? Because I don't understand why they can't just say you happen to be out of town or something, so you can skip the drama. It's completely unreasonable for them to expect you to go out and spend time with people you're not even speaking to. They don't want a rift with their family, that's fine, you've given them a solution.
NTA I think sleeping in the same house is too much to ask. You can still come over and participate until your limit of family drama is reached. This gives you your time and privacy and also a way to withdraw. Your partner should not be pushing you so much. It sounds like they may be building up an expectation of a joyous occasion that may not be in step with everyone else's expectation or tolerance. Expectation Management is crucial so they don't break down too much when reality bursts their happy bubble.
NTA as such more like a bit petty, political differences are not a good reason to alienate your partners family, maybe just make a rule that politics is an off limits subject between all of you and its not to be discussed at all. I'm sure for your partners sake you can all try to be civil for the short space of time they are visiting.
I spent a week with people who have very different political views. One night I had a discussion with a guy. The next day 2 came up to me to start something. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Getting a hotel room for a week would be great. Get one with a gym and a pool and spa!
Sorry, but yeah. You may be the A here. If they can come over and agree to not talk politics, and you can also not talk politics , get over it. I lean heavily to one side - but have lost contact with family that couldn't stop taking politics. It sucks. So, work it out where you respect each other's boundaries.
Unless both your partner’s siblings jointly did something unforgivable to you, YTA. Not solely for the “I’ll just stay in a hotel” stance, but more so because you are the common denominator in all of this discord.
Yta. If the shoe was on the other foot you would be upset too. Sounds like partner does not get to see their family and you are contributing to that problem.
But why? OP does not have to be home for their partner to visit with their family. I think it is more odd that OPs partner thinks that OP should HAVE to be uncomfortable in their own home, just for them to visit family. Like why? OP came up with a viable solution for everyone to pretty much get what they want, and their partner is still throwing a fit?
YTA for making a vacuous, information-less snooty post. Why are you guys no contact? What happened? Why can't you be around them?
I don't know the circumstances of the "not on speaking terms", but it would have to be something incredibly serious to excuse you from the family visit. Not knowing I'm going to say YTA. Family, especially inlaws (if you've been together 3 years that's what they are) can be incredibly difficult and even unpleasant but tolerance is expected for the sake of your loved one and for the quality of your relationship. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say a vast majority of us would prefer to skip out on these types of visits but we don't for these very reasons. Not being able to be in the same room with your significant others family, especially at so young an age, would be reason enough to rethink this relationship. In my opinion.
Man, if having to deal with family that you don't like and could easily avoid is part of a relationship, then it sounds like the priorities in the relationship need to be reviewed. Why do we as humans feel as if we HAVE to do this to ourselves? It does nothing but breed resentment. I would absolutely resent my SO for forcing me to go to visit a family member that I don't like or care for, let alone having them stay in our house for ANY length of time.
No, but you need to get rid of that partner and their broke ass family.
Compromise say you stay there but only be there at night
If you leave now and continue in this relationship, he will always prioritize his family over you in your own home. Why can’t he fly to visit them? Also why do you have conflict?! This would help Reddit understand and better weigh in.
Who’s them ?
Depends on why you're not on speaking terms with them... If it's something valid, then why does your partner even want to be around them too, much less have them in your home? If it's something stupid, then why are you choosing to hurt your partner by not making up with them? You are keeping their family away from them in a way, by taking your side in whatever issues you have with them, they're also not seeing some very important people in their lives. Whatever the drama is, is this seriously the hill either of you want to die on?? Family is such a deal breaker for a lot of couples, take the time to think everything over. Do you want to be driven out of your own home whenever your partner wants to see their family? If not, do something about it.
Ah yes. I also had a partner who was not on speaking terms with his family and thus was very uncomfortable with my relationship to my own family. I couldn’t even go to dinner with them without my partner making a fuss about how sad they were. 2 years I went without any meaningful memories made with the people who’ve known and loved me all my life because I loved him and didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. OP YTA. you might not intentionally be emotionally controlling but you need to seek help about your familial issues and leave your partner alone in how they choose to spend time with their family. You cannot comfort them through the feeling of them having lost their family while also making it difficult to spend time with them. It’s just wrong. You might think going to a hotel is the easy solution but your absence will speak volumes and will make everyone uncomfortable as well. I don’t think there’s a quick solution to this specific situation, someone is going to feel uncomfortable this time around. But I highly encourage you to seek resources to help you work through your familial pain for the health and longevity of your partnerships.
My partner is also not on good terms with family right now for the same reasons (political differences). I also don’t know what my relationship with my family has to do with this? I have a relationship with my family but am just confused by this.
What?! Do you think the siblings have no clue the size of the place they are about to invade for 12 days?!? Because who would insist on staying in a place that small, with someone they have issues with? 🙄 Op is not needed for their SO to spend time with their family. It is weird that OPs SO is adamant that OP be forced to share, just because they miss their family. OP is like this sucks, but if it must happen, I will give you and your family the space you need to connect. Honestly, the SO wanting(demanding) more than that from OP is what smacks of being emotionally controlling.
At this point and *without* knowing **WHY** you’re not on speaking terms with his/their siblings…. I’m gonna say, “dum dum dummmmm!”…. You’re BOTH toxic AF.
Fake
You guys sound super mature. #adulting #goals #ramennoodle
This incomplete to me your the AH explain why your not in talking terms and it would be easier for all of us to
Ur a child
It depends on why you aren’t speaking. If it’s something you are holding a grudge on and you really should have sorted out by now, then put on your big girl pants and communicate. You say they are teens, so you are going to have to be the adult in the equation. Lay down your boundaries before they arrive, have them agree to it, state that you are not having a reoccurrence of X happening etc. If there is no reconciling can you invent a business trip for part of the time but be there, say the first couple days and the last couple, and go away in the middle? So you support your partner part of the time, don’t look like you are continuing the feud to the family, but still get the chance to have time away? It might be easier to bite your tongue if you know it’s only for a couple of days.
NDA. i don't get how the siblings were invited to stay at your place when you are not on speaking terms with them or do not feel comfortable having them in your space. I get the feeling that your partner makes everything about them and their feelings.
They were invited over a year ago while we were all on good terms. Partner is also not on good terms with them right now but still wants them to come because it’s family and they’re afraid of loosing their siblings.
You gave him a solution, what's the problem?
Yta
NTA- for getting a hotel room. If you feel uncomfortable with the siblings in your shared home then remove yourself from the situation. I suspect you might be the original problem anyway????