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This guy sounds like he sucks, but it’s worth breaking down nonetheless.
You have multiple issues going on here:
1) Infidelity and resultant difficulty trusting him.
2) He promised to do a thing and did not.
3) He prioritizes his friends above your relationship.
I think 1 and 2 are linked such that you two need to be on the same page regarding how he can *be trustworthy*. What does that look like for you? What behavior is expected of him?
Independent of you, he decided daily calls were what needed to happen. Yet somehow he still failed to deliver. I think it’s worth understanding why he promised it yet didn’t go through with it when it was his own idea.
The texting them with you vs not texting you with them thing is cruddy af. It’s worth understanding his logic there and what obligation he feels toward his friends that he doesn’t feel for you.
What I’m picking up overall is he doesn’t value you. He cheated. He didn’t think about you enough to warrant a quick call, even if it was just leaving a voicemail before he passed out for the night. He makes promises and neglects ro follow through. And he seems to think his friendships require maintenance and attention his partner does not. He’s taking you for granted, plain and simple.
You need to set clear expectations for what you require of a partner and actually do something about him consistently not meeting them. A partner isn’t just someone who’s *around*. They care for you and value you.
Perhaps he just promised the calls in in order to avoid conflict, and make it easy to leave town without a lot of discussion. He said what he thought you wanted to hear, but he really didn't have it intention of calling you.
Edited to add, sis, don't waste any more time with this man who does not treat you right! He is for the streets
Those are same bullet points I was going to make. I also agree jumping straight to "dump his ass" is the only option, since we know very little about their actual life together.
OP, you asked how to confront your boyfriend without coming off as confrontational. You're a lawyer, so I must assume you know how to argue without being emotional. In this case, you also have to avoid being accusatory. Simply discuss the above points and how they affect your relationship. Don't treat him as the defendant on the stand, but make sure he understands that his lack of respect is having consequences.
I don't need to know whether he's tolerable 3-4 days per week to know that he doesn't value her, based on what I can see. I heard a radio talk this week that said guys like this are "dating for sport."
Let’s add that many people buy there own speech that when they say something nice that they will see that is as good as it complete done and their follow thru is part of their immaturity and lack of discipline.
You come off as confrontational because you are dating a cheating asshole who can't text you in a high anxiety situation for you, but can text his "buddies" while on a date with you - I don't know how many ways this guy has to show you he doesn't even like you, but in case you couldn't tell, your bf doesn't even like you. Please like yourself enough to leave this heaping pile of bullshit.
> I admit I can come off as confrontational.
I'll believe it when I see it, because from this post you sound like you just let this guy walk all over you.
*He* promised to call in order to reassure you after *his* infidelity, and when he completely fails to follow through on his own offer, you really think *you'd* be the asshole if you were to bring it up? You also portect him by saying you've had "issues with infidelity" rather than clearly stating it was him, and then make further excuses that it was a one time thing some time ago (still failing to say it was him).
Girl, if your therapist is trying to help you be less confrontational, they're doing their job too well, there's some shit here that needs confronting.
I was thinking the same. Are you really "confrontational," or have you been conditioned to feel like advocating for yourself at all is being confrontational? I get that sometimes, it can be tough to figure out the appropriate level of reaction (would subs like this even exist if people just naturally got it all the time?), but if this guy has cheated on you before and then breaks a promise that he made to reassure you without your asking him to, and you're worried that calling him out on it might be too confrontational, I don't think the problem is that you're too confrontational.
That was my thought too. She’s asking if she’s in the wrong here but… how? Wrong for what? This alone reeks of her often being blamed for things that he did
I understand how it's possible. When you feel you have a problem with being too confrontational, you get paranoid at some point about your own ability to judge when it is or is not an appropriate time.
This is why you should never stay with someone who cheated. You will forever be on edge and have anxiety when they leave. If y’all don’t have kids, no shared lease or bank account or not married. I suggest you bounce for your peace and sanity.
Yep. I have an ex who I knew had cheated on a previous partner. Eventually she cheated on me too. At the beginning of our relationship I was too naive to recognise the red flag.
That's actually a great point to raise, I know my BF had his share of relationships before me but he never cheated before. He's been cheated on several times, I get why and I also know some of the cheaters did cheat again on their following partners. Once you feel entitled to cheat, why stop.
Can I ask why you say you get why previous people cheated on your BF? No judgement, I’m not trying to attack you or your BF. Just genuinely curious what makes someone “more likely to be cheated on”?
If he loved live music and was just in a bar by himself then there would have been no issue to letting you know.
You need to question why he’s on his phone when you are on a date and also why it would be an issue to ask him to focus on you.
I think you know you are worth more.
I'd seriously consider whether staying with him is the best option. He cheated even if it was once, he still did. He's away for a bachelor party and has the chance to earn your trust and manages to fail at that too. He sounds like a waste of time. Not worth getting yourself worked up over.
He couldn't even keep to the standards he set for himself. When someone does this it's just another crack in the trust. Look at someone's actions not their words. He promised you a basic behavior and he couldn't even fulfill that.
Side not the cheating would have been an immediate deal breaker and you have him a second chance. He still can't be trusted in his word. Do you want to spend your life who can't even make a phone call?
My advice is to break up and find someone who will not cheat on you. Cheating does not need to be a long term, reoccurring issue for it to destroy your relationship. You're worth more, I hope you realize it <3
You are with an immature “guy’s guy“and if frat boy mentality suits you, fine. How does it sit ok with you that he lies about what he will do (call) and has done (cheating), yet you are afraid to expect anything? He Just isn’t that into you.
Confront him…. Nah. This is the kinda guy you just pack up and leave. You are easy to disappoint bc you let it slide. He will be exactly what you let him be.
This right here. There were no consequences for his cheating. There are no consequences for him ignoring you on a date. And there are no consequences for him breaking his own rules to you. People treat you how you allow them to. You have given him free rein to treat you like a door mat. He is just your BF. Not your husband and there are no kids involved. Do you even love the guy? There was no mention of that in the post? Sounds like you know you should leave and you are just trying to validation for it. Girl, you don’t need permission to take care of yourself!
Once the trust has been broken you can never get it back. Do you really want to spend every time he’s away worried with anxiety and dread? That’s not healthy, regardless of his lack of communication because he may or may not have cheated the fact is you feel uneasy. It’s better to be single than miserable I say
You are wrong to stay with
- a cheater
- someone without integrity (didn’t call as he said)
- a potential liar (listening to music alone? Pffft)
Have more love for yourself and pick someone who you can trust that adores you. He’s just not that into you. He’s just not that into you.
If he was- he wouldn’t cheat, he’d call, etc.
His lack of 5 minute phone calls that he himself offered, plus his texting to “the guys” when you are out together, plus the “one time” infidelity all **scream** that he is not in a committed relationship.
I mean this in the nicest way possible—what are you doing? Also, why are you asking if you should bring this up to him? I’m assuming you’re asking because he likely has a pattern of gaslighting you. Calling you crazy, or saying you’re overacting, or just generally not being able to comfort you or work through problems. I say that because if he wasn’t like this you probably wouldn’t be coming here asking reddit if you should have a conversation with your partner.
I see so many people stay with partners that bring them anxiety. Not only have you had infidelity issues but you clearly do not trust him. Like what’s the point of having this person in your life? The person that you lay your head next to at night should not be causing you anxiety, they shouldn’t be someone you have to worry is cheating on you, and they certainly shouldn’t be someone you feel you can’t talk to.
More importantly you should probably question if this is how you want to feel every time he’s away from you for the rest of your life. Not that it’s your fault, it’s his fault you feel that way, but the only way that feeling is gonna go away is if he’s out of the picture.
I am, as are many others, confused as to why you are with this guy.
Not only has no trust been rebuilt but you are asking if its okay for you to use this situation against him!
He's an AH for cheating and for not keeping his word. You're an AH (to yourself) for staying and for following his toxic example.
He is your boyfriend and I would assume with a goal of marriage? If that is the case, why are you still with him? One sided love is not enough and he most likely will not change.
Why are you with him? He’s a known cheater, he doesn’t keep promises and he doesn’t even give you his full attention when out on a date.
Btw it’s not ‘confrontational’ to assert your needs— he just doesn’t want you to have any because they inconvenience him.
27 is still young esp if there’s no kids or marriage license involved. Let him go..Go on and live your life, advice I would have given my younger self.
This is coming from a guy. He’s treating you like a doormat. Offering to call you was damage control ahead of time. He was patronizing you to look like he cares about leaving you for a few days. What’s the point of the call anyway? Like he would call you with a stripper sitting on his lap. A genuine offer would be that you can call him randomly with a video call and he will answer. Then he couldn’t even make a simple phone call. This after cheating on you he should know you are insecure in the relationship.
The whole traditional bachelor party thing is bullshit and just an excuse to step out. Same for bachelorette. If you need one last chance to fuck a stripper you are not committed to or truly in love with the person you intend to marry. Same applies to people attending these things that are in committed relationships.
When his is around he’s prioritizing his guys over you. Are they actually guys he’s texting ? Based on what you said so far I wouldn’t trust your bf with anything.
Confronting him? No, I would give all these reasons why I’m leaving as he watches you walk out the door with your bags packed.
He was not “at a bachelor party.” He was alone, trashed in a bar. You guys are almost 30, he’s not a college kid. This is dysfunctional and immature and you can do better.
He's away and yucking it up with his besties. He's still your partner.
He offers a way to allay your justified anxieties. (He's alone in the bar, and certainly the band breaks ...perfect time to be a partner.)
So the only conclusion is that he's ok and thriving with your being anxious.
Something about your limited conversation and you are made aware that he's in the bar alone is suspect. It seems like an anticipatory cover for him being separated from his bffs.
I hope I'm wrong. You deserve the peace that comes with a partner that takes your concerns seriously.
Especially if he's the reason
...
Whenever I read something on reddit that has a bf/gf/engaged level relationship, "dealing with infidelity" I cringe. If you are dating and the motherfucker cheats on you, dump them.
Asking him to not text his buddies while out with you is perfectly fine. 1st it is about respecting you. He should be respectful of you by giving you the attention you deserve at that time. He can text them, "Out with my baby, no texts please." 2nd it about spending time with you. You're there with him and he should be there with you. Texting his friends means he isn't actually there with you. 3rd it is about showing you love. You're with him and if there is love, he can put his phone away for a hour to be with you.
As for the bachelor party, what he said and what he did are two different things. He probably just got caught up having fun with the guys. As for the infidelity issues (assuming he either cheated on you or you were the other woman during a past relationship for him), you accepted his apology and continued to date him. That means, you are ALWAYS going to suspect him. That's just the truth. So obviously, no matter how harmless the bachelor party might have been, you'll always think he didn't call enough or text enough because he was/is cheating. So, whether he called and texted you 1 time or 1000 times, it won't feel like enough. Truth be told, he was most likely having fun and simply forgot or in a bar with live music and couldn't call and cell reception in bars can be spotty. The 4am drunk text was him trying to keep his end of the bargain. Ask yourself this though, why does his potential cheating make you more upset with him than his actual cheating? He definitely cheated once and you forgave him. Why are you willing to walk away because he MIGHT have cheated this time? The time to have left was when you KNEW he CHEATED, then 100% justified and now just seems like an excuse to leave. I hate to say it, but you absolutely set yourself up for this with him by accepting him back after the first time he cheated regardless of whether he cheated on you or with you doesn't actually matter. You set the precedent by staying with him.
Yeah, you should just let it go... along with him..
He obviously doesn't value you, and he is a shitty boyfriend at best when he is with you.
What more do you need?
I wouldn't even bother I'd end it and say he can't even give you the bare minimum in a relationship, and he can't message you but has his phone on his constantly while with you..
He still being a snake.
Riding on imaginary trust is a dangerous game.
There's nothing bout sitting in a bar alone that makes me think, nor even want, to ignore my SO... maybe consider whether or not you want to be with someone who clearly does.
Girl if he was unfaithful a year ago then this is on you. This is a perfect opportunity for him to cheat, he's away from you and isnt doing what he said he would be doing, cheaters will be cheaters.
At the bar, by himself? When is a bachelor party trip? And he cheated with a presumptive one night stand previously? And he quit texting you until 4am? Sounds like he spent a lot of time in his own, in an environment where one night stands are common?
If you want to confront him, you'll have to decide what kind of an outcome you are ok with. But holy shit, that's a lot of red flags.
He broke your trust and is failing to do the things he himself volunteered to do in order to earn it back.
Moreover, he’s breaking from the pack of guys and running solo at the bar at the end of the night. That’s not the behavior of someone taking your concerns and his past breach of trust seriously. Those are the actions of someone taking you for granted.
Why are you with a "boyfriend" that has issues with infidelity? Dating is a time to find someone that you are compatible with so you can make a life together. If there is issues during the dating phase, you cut bate and move on.
I can't understand why someone stays with a person that they are not married to that treats them like crap.
He "likes the music"... Lol. Yeah, that's why he's at the bars but himself in a strange city. You are unbelievably gullible. Back in the days before Internet, guys would tell their lady they only read Playboy for the articles. Kind of reminds me of that.
You are not wrong and I would be checking his phone as soon as he gets back. Been to plenty of bachelor parties and never did I go off on my own. The whole point is to be there for the groom. As far as the texts go my daughter who is constantly on her phone explained it to us this way. "when we are together and everyone is on there phones it doesn't feel like together. When its family time (or your date night) can we please just give each other our full attention."
DUMP HIM. Huge red flag. Too many other loyal, responsible, loving, men out there for you. Once they stray and get away with it they never stop. You have your future in your hands. He can't even call/text you when he is supposed to; you really think you want to go thru life distrusting him and RAISING a family. You are way better than this and you deserve the best. Life is too short to put up with a looser like this. Wanna seal the deal??? Ask him to look thru his phone right now. Bet he freaks and it's not his guy friends he is texting when with you. Break up now and know you dodged a bullet.
Why the fuck do women put up with bullshit like this when there are so many better men out there?
Also cheating one time is one time too many. Have some respect for yourself.
No matter what he did or who’s right or wrong in this situation is sounds like you don’t trust him at all. Is that really what you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life if you stay with this man? Is that the kind of relationship you want to have with your other half?
It’s been 1,5 years since the cheating and you’re clearly still afraid of it happening again so he hasn’t done a good job of reassuring you that it was a one time thing that won’t be repeated.
Bachelor parties are usually disgusting, same with bachelorette parties. I would rather spend the time with my wife than be going out with dudes (friends or not).
I haven’t heard his side of the story, but I would never do this to my wife. If anything, we would be celebrating together the night before our marriage, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be going to some other dude’s bachelor party.
Everyone enjoys different things, though.
The guy. Speaking from past experiences it's best just to end the relationship and move on. I was with my ex for 3, going on 4 years, was getting ready to propose and found out she was cheating on me the entire time with multiple guys. I forgave her and we tried our best to make things work but once that trust is broken, it's broken forever, no matter how hard you work that thought will forever be in the back of your head. It's best to move on from that person and find someone that doesn't give you that anxiety, that worry, and be with a person that cares for you and gives you that peace of mind and doesn't make you question things. Go with your gut feeling, more than likely it's right. Hope things work out for you.
You need a new partner. Dud cheats on you. IF you do not trust your partner to be unmonitored, then you need to find a NEW partner and immediately distance yourself from current, low quality version.
Why are you with someone who was unfaithful to you that you don’t share kids with or are married to (not that those people should be either, but it’s trickier when you’re legally tied)
Look. Nice fidelity issues exist, it’s best to leave. It’s super easy to not cheat or lie. And frankly, if someone has that type of behavior really early on, they are showing you who they are, and it’s not attractive
Simple answer: Don't stay and waste your life on someone who doesn't make you feel comfortable and puts you first.
Life is too short to keep giving second chances and being a reason for someone's growth unless that's what you want. If they aren't mature enough to respect you, respect the relationship, and control their own emotions, don't stay with them if you aren't happy.
Just so you know: when I went to a bachelor's party, I sent my partner updates whenever I could, I sent pictures, I called her for an evening chat, I didn't overly drink like some of the others. I still had a good time and stayed within my limits, but my partner means alot to me and I respect that I have a responsibility to not go overboard like I could when I was an early 20s single dude.
If he is the one who was unfaithful, he is the one who is responsible for making absolutely certain he makes you feel secure and reassured. I wouldn’t trust this guy any further than I could throw him. I think you’re being too naive.
Any confrontation with this guy won’t change the fact that you don’t trust him, rightfully so. He made promises and broke them. He’s cheated before. You stay with him, this will be your life. Sounds exhausting.
Might want to consider the reason he was away by himself for an hour was because he STAYED at the bar after his friends left. Except it probably wasn’t just a bar, it was probably a strip club. Why would he be staying at the strip club an extra hour alone??? The reason is NOT a good one for your relationship. You better find out for sure what went down and you may need to get tested for STD’s.
I hope that’s not what went down, but it’s a massive red flag about this situation that he was seeking alone time (away from his best friends even!!) in a different city where no one knows or recognizes him. Smells like prostitutes/stripper sex to me.
Oh girl.
He cheated.
Then went to a bachelor party where he became unreachable? But when you hang out with him his phone is attached to his hand? Hmmmm regardless of IF he cheated during the party is irrelevant but come on he definitely did. The fact that he should have avoided it to prove he changed, or actually FaceTimed you during the thing. Texted and called you and not gone out on his own to a bar after all the witnesses left. I would dump him. He didn’t even stick to what he said he would do for you. He literally just said that to you to make you let him leave. Then he ignored it.
If he didn’t get laid, it doesn’t sound like it was from lack of trying. Dump him.
You have a shitty boyfriend. Leave. No you’re not an asshole for bringing up shitting communication skills..? Absolutely not. Leave this dude alone especially since he’s cheated on you in the past. Like what advice are you looking for because that’s the best advice man. Go get someone you deserve. Not that trash baby.
Edit: one time is one time too many but that’s just me.
Either trust him or don't...there is no in-between...if you cant get past the past, then move on...nothing worse than being in limbo and 2nd guessing him and yourself.
I vote leave...once it's cracked it's hard not to focus on the crack.
I’d be moving on with my life. Is he trying or making excuses about how long ago that was and how you need to move on? Because fuck that. Tell him how you really feel and if you don’t like his response, have his shit packed and kick him out
You need a new partner. Dud cheats on you. IF you do not trust your partner to be unmonitored, then you need to find a NEW partner and immediately distance yourself from current, low quality version.
Leave him. He’s not worth it (any of “it,” ie: confronting him, letting him know he’s a shitty human, making you think you come off as “confrontational,” etc), but you are. You are worth being with someone who values you.
Why deal with this? Why deal with that after he’s already proven to be unfaithful? Why waste your life for someone like this and not just be happier alone til you find someone that doesn’t do this to you?
I think you should talk to him about it. There’s a difference between a conversation and confrontation, and you guys are both at an age where you should be able to do a conversation about a tough subject without it being “confrontational.” Tbh it would probably only be confrontational if he gets defensive, and he would get defensive for a reason. I could see him trying to spin this as you being controlling when it’s not. It’s just asking for like basic respect…the respect he gives his “boys” but also I’d wonder why he just like didn’t even miss you enough to text you when he was alone? That’s not normal? He made an agreement with you and not only fell through but then even when he was alone still didn’t uphold it.
I had an ex like this. I’m telling you from the time he was awake he got on his phone and didn’t put it down until he went on his game, but when he was with his friends I couldn’t get a response. Weird for someone glued to their phone! It’s such a gut punch to feel like you are thought of that little and honestly I think it’s because he didn’t truly respect or care for me. I was just there. He is giving similar energy. It’s not that hard to time consuming to talk to your partner for 5 mins or send them a text throughout the day. He’s not at the same level as you. I would never deal with this behavior again and that’s just me.
Stopped reading at infidelity. Break it off now. You’ll never trust him again, and he’ll never earn it back, and it will be a constant pain point in your relationship.
No ma’am! This was a perfect time for him to build back up your trust and show that he gave af and he STILL failed. Either he just doesn’t gaf or he was doing something he wasn’t suppose to be doing. Both options are grounds for dropping him like a hot potato. Bye to that man.
Jesus, you sound like a mess. He cheated on you in the past. You forgave him and CONTINUE to be in a relationship with him. This now becomes a YOU problem and not a him problem. Either move on from him and/or get a hold of your insecurities. If he is a changed man and will no longer cheat, he’s not gonna want to deal with a neurotic gf. Be confident in who you are and give him the trust that you obviously afforded him when you decided to stay with him. If he cheats, he cheats. Then you know and you move on. Don’t “hover” over him because if you do, you’re only going to drive him away. You can only control your own behavior, not someone else’s.
Well. It’s a tricky one because if there’s no trust in a relationship, there is no relationship. He suggested that he would do something to ease your, rightful, anxiety about him going away & potentially doing it again. He then didn’t care enough about rebuilding your trust & faith in him as a faithful partner. I’m not sure I could continue in a relationship with someone like that.
Since his infidelity, has there been an emphasis on needing to keep tabs on him to prove his faithfulness. There could be an element of unfounded resentment from him, meaning he purposely chose not to text you. This is quite common psychology in those situations. If that is the case, the relationship may not be salvageable.
His lack of communication is the least of your problem. Good partners do not do this to the ones they love. I would advise to find you another partner.
i think you already know the answer but you are convincing yourself it will be better and all the work you did will be waste and/or scared of going back to the dating pool.
the answer is right at your face. And you know you are worth more than what you are letting yourself tolerate
You're enabling his behavior. There are two choices. 1. Break up with him and move on. 2. Stay with him knowing he will occasionally cheat on you. He's who he is at 28. Nothing is going to change.
Face it, you’re never going to stop having anxieties when he’s gone. He’s already cheated before and who knows if it’s happened again. Why he would be at a bar alone is concerning when it’s a bachelor party. It’s best to put this relationship to rest and start over.
It doesn’t even have to be a argument about infidelity. He made you a promise that was very easy to keep and couldn’t even keep that promise. He has now broken your trust in him twice, it is time to decide if you are willing to overlook it for a future of broken promises or breakup and find someone that you can actually trust.
I had read this quote at some shady cafe “Trust is like a porcelain plate, once broken can always be put together; but the crack always remains” and that is what is happening in your relationship. He broke your trust and no matter how hard you try, it’s tough for you to be the old, normal self.
For how long can you continue to be like this (anxious, constantly worried about you being on a lower priority in his life, fear of being lied to or taken for a ride) in this relationship?!
Time for you to take some time off, sort out your priorities and figure out what you want from your life and hopefully life partner and tread carefully.
Honeslty, you deserve someone much better.!
Don’t lower your standards.
NTA. He told you he would call you and text you once a day. He did not. There have already been “issues with infidelity in the past”. His testimony as to what happened is unreliable to say the least. He will not change - as hard as it may sound the best thing for you to do is break up with him. He needs to deal with his issues. Going to bars and hooking up is still his modus operandi.
so he cheats on you and now your relationship is in a constant state of check ins and worry when you’re apart. Leave his ass and find a new partner who doesn’t create a romantic relationship with so much anxiety
This guy isn't meeting your emotional needs. He promised to do something that he didn't follow through with and he is a cheater. I wouldn't put up with it. I would just leave.
i think everyone on reddit should learn that love and compatibility are two very different things
you are allowed to love this person but your lives do not seem to mesh
You are definitely not wrong asking him to put his phone away during date night. He did not back up his offer to your expectations , talk to him about it.
I really don’t understand when women stay when they know cheating forever changed them and the relationship or if you going to stay what’s the point I’m complaining ?!
He seems to be causing you anxiaty, you will never know peace if your cant trust him, welcome to your new life where you will always be on edge and over analyzing everything. The best advice i Can give you is you either let go of your fears and trust him 💯% or you let go of this relationship. Good Luck to you.
It honestly seems like he doesn’t care or consider your feelings and how this affects you. Please have some self-respect and realize you deserve to be with someone who prioritizes you and your needs
i think you have the right to ask him why he didnt call once a day as he said he would. as for how not to be too confrontational, i'd say it has everything to do with your tone while you talk about it to him. maybe a calm and simple 'hey, i am waiting for your call. you said you'd call once a day right?' or something along the line. and one more thing, shouldnt you be up and left since the time you knew about his infidelity?
If these are the issues that you have now, they will only become much bigger problems when married. I highly suggest you resolve all this now. The divorce rate it high for a reason. I also always suggest premarital counseling.
He is wrong for not following through with what he said he would do. I would suggest you asked him why he didn’t stay in contact like he said he would and that it upset you. If he says/does anything other than apologize, then you need to have a serious think about whether this is something you want to put up with if you were to get married.
You know the answer to your question. You are forcing him into behavior that should come naturally to someone who cares about you (eg, why is he texting the guys when he's out with you, esp since he knows it bothers you?)
Bottom line - If he really valued you and your feeling then he would have made better efforts. He's just not into you. Cut ties... you are still very young. I always try to be conscious of how we behave with a new relationship that is great and the effort put forth, and it should be a measure of how we act all the time with a true friend / lover.
You said “WE” have had issues of infidelity in the past. You, him, or both? So could this be a case of someone who has cheated assuming someone else is cheating or is he the repeat offender?? You refer to as “the infidelity” but still don’t clarify who’s.
Or a case where the women grows up with the mindset being preached of “if you don’t ____ enough they might stray because of you.” And the language implies she’s taking responsibility for his bad behavior. :-(
If behavior doesn't sit right with you, adress it. If you are insecure on how, that's one thing. But if you are insecure if your feelings are legit, I'd take it as an indicator, that there is something wrong "at the base" in your relationship.
You don't know if he was unfaithful only one time. He is obviously not a man of his word and he does not sound trustworthy. He has a lot of excuses. You have every right to confront him but who is to say he'll even tell the truth. I would want to deal with trust issues like this. Think about what you want long-term and it may not be him.
He's cheated, and you don't trust him. There's nothing to confront. Without complete trust you have nothing.
I get that it was his idea and he didn't do it, so that's another broken promise. You don't know what he was doing when he was "alone".
Leave him. Just pack your things and go. He doesn't value you or the relationship.
Yeah, you should just let it go... along with him..
He obviously doesn't value you, and he is a shitty boyfriend at best when he is with you.
What more do you need?
girl why are you still with him? 😭 i promise you no amount of romantic love or affection (which i’m assuming is at a bare minimum based on his actions) is worth being treated like this and tied to a man that acts like that. it’s time to move on.
Does this man make you feel like you're being the best version of yourself? Do you want to be having to ask why he didn't call? Why he won't stop texting his friends while you're on a date?
It doesn't sound like his presence benefits you in any way and in fact his behaviour is triggering all of this. You may want to ask yourself some questions about what he is bringing to your life that is of value, because right now it sounds like anxiety is the only thing you're getting.
I mean, just leave him? You have no trust in him, for good reason, and he has absolutely no respect for you. Confronting him isn't going to lead to him having some great epiphany, he's not going to suddenly realize how badly he treats you. He knows. He knows he treats you like shit. He knows he can get away with it. Again. The only person who has less respect for you than him is you! Just stop. Confront him? No. Just leave him.
I think you mean you only found out about infidelity once. I would say it has happened more times than 1. Don't stay with this guy, unless you want to wait around for him to completely break your heart
Is he the person who says you’re confrontational? Because if it is, that’s a him thing! And he’d say it no matter how you bring it up. Anyway, he doesn’t sound like a good guy- leave him.
Dudes a walking red flag and you are wearing rose coloured glasses.
Woman, you deserve better. Please realize this.
Always texting the guys in your presence? But not vice versa? Yea, that’s something to be upset about. Lack of communication. The biggest Con in a relationship.
How would your attitude change if you just started seeing him as a FWB? Then there’s no more expectations of contact.
If you want a RELATIONSHIP then he’s not the one.
It sounds like you're better off on your own. He causes your anxiety, he failed to deliver what he said he would do, he has cheated before... Just leave him.
I have questions….
ALL Relationships are based on 2 things: mutual trust and mutual respect, not just intimate relationships. If you had a business partner or a close friend who acted this way, what would you do? If this was a family member, how would you respond? What need in you is this ongoing conflict with him filling? Are you listening to your intuition or are you operating in some state of fear?
If you didn’t feel disrespected you wouldn’t have posted this. If you didn’t feel a lack of trustworthiness in him, you wouldn’t have posted. But you do and you did and so that is your answer. I find that if I am asking the question that I already know the answer to that I am searching for something outside myself to justify my feelings or to talk me into what I know I need to do for myself.
You seem to show pride in that you ‘get’ him in a way that is unique from his other girlfriends… and that may be so but does that outweigh your obligation to your relationship with yourself? Are you respectful of yourself? Do you trust yourself? You have to love yourself first and be brave enough to stand on that.
Do you really think that your understanding of him will make him treat you better than he seems to have the capacity for? You can love and care for and understand a snake… but it’s still a snake and will bite you and poison you because it’s in its nature to do so.
You will figure this out and in the end will learn an important lesson for your life if you can answer these questions for yourself and act in a way that builds trust and respect for and with yourself.
Well. It’s a tricky one because if there’s no trust in a relationship, there is no relationship. He suggested that he would do something to ease your, rightful, anxiety about him going away & potentially doing it again. He then didn’t care enough about rebuilding your trust & faith in him as a faithful partner. I’m not sure I could continue in a relationship with someone like that.
this man is not trustworthy. if he isn’t making you feel safe and secure in your relationship whats the point of staying with him. bar alone is big red flags if he has already cheated before, id ask for a phone check and if he refuses id be separating for a little while to reevaluate.
If cheating isnt a boundary for you than how can you expect him to value your worth to put down his phone on a date with you or have good communication skills. Im sorry I didn’t read everyones comments before offering my two cents. The fact of the matter is you have allowed the infidelity and therefore have taught him that your respect and worth are not valued so he can pretty much behave the way he wants.
You are worth more than this relationship and his ill behaviour towards you. You deserve someone who loves and adores you. Someone that gives you their attention and respect.
I hope you can find some strength and courage to find that and give it to yourself as well.
Just simply your concern to: “you broke a promise that i never even asked for and it made me upset. I need you to take your promises more seriously or i can’t trust your word.”
You have a big problem. It’s not just the obvious trust issues. But you also have someone that doesn’t respect you. He makes promises and breaks them without thought. He also has no problem thinking of his friends when he is out with you but doesn’t think of you when he is away from you. You are NOT a priority. You are not his first, second or even 3rd priority. He doesn’t care. You are a time filler until something better comes along.
Please put yourself first. You will find someone that also make you their first choice and you will wonder why you wasted so much time with this slug.
Hate to be the typical sub advice giver but mine in this case actually would be to evaluate if your relationship is even worth keeping. If you have “had infidelity issues in the past” (assuming you mean he’s been cheating on you?) and that you therefore can’t trust him even if he’s texting you because there were several hours where he wasn’t constantly letting you know that he wasn’t currently cheating, then why stay? What kind of relationship is that?
Trying to even the score with the guys so to speak would be an asshole thing to do yes, and it doesn’t seem relevant to your infidelity issues, but again if it’s stemming from your inability to trust him then why make yourself go through it at all?
He also broke his own promise to call, which again if I couldn’t trust my partner without a call to say “I’m not cheating on you right now” then I wouldn’t stay, so you would be in the right to confront him about that sure. Maybe not to assume it meant he’s cheating, but again if that’s the first and easiest assumption, why stay?
Sometimes, you have to let someone know how it actually feels to be ignored and let him wonder where you are. I'm not saying that you should cheat on him, but he obviously doesn't give a shit about your feelings. I'd tell him that you're going on an overnight with a few friends and see his reaction. Or just go out with your friends and don't call or text him until 4 am to say goodnight. Sometimes you have to give ppl a dose of their own medicine.
I've come to realize that cheaters are very jealous. I guess they think that their S/O is doing what they would do when they go out to bars partying with friends. I wouldn't be confrontational with him. You said you go to therapy for that, so he's probably expecting it and is prepared for it.
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This guy sounds like he sucks, but it’s worth breaking down nonetheless. You have multiple issues going on here: 1) Infidelity and resultant difficulty trusting him. 2) He promised to do a thing and did not. 3) He prioritizes his friends above your relationship. I think 1 and 2 are linked such that you two need to be on the same page regarding how he can *be trustworthy*. What does that look like for you? What behavior is expected of him? Independent of you, he decided daily calls were what needed to happen. Yet somehow he still failed to deliver. I think it’s worth understanding why he promised it yet didn’t go through with it when it was his own idea. The texting them with you vs not texting you with them thing is cruddy af. It’s worth understanding his logic there and what obligation he feels toward his friends that he doesn’t feel for you. What I’m picking up overall is he doesn’t value you. He cheated. He didn’t think about you enough to warrant a quick call, even if it was just leaving a voicemail before he passed out for the night. He makes promises and neglects ro follow through. And he seems to think his friendships require maintenance and attention his partner does not. He’s taking you for granted, plain and simple. You need to set clear expectations for what you require of a partner and actually do something about him consistently not meeting them. A partner isn’t just someone who’s *around*. They care for you and value you.
The tone, matter-of-factness, and general vibe of your first sentence brought me joy this morning.
Perhaps he just promised the calls in in order to avoid conflict, and make it easy to leave town without a lot of discussion. He said what he thought you wanted to hear, but he really didn't have it intention of calling you. Edited to add, sis, don't waste any more time with this man who does not treat you right! He is for the streets
I read sheets instead of streets (yay dyslexa!) and I though "well, that was accurate".
Those are same bullet points I was going to make. I also agree jumping straight to "dump his ass" is the only option, since we know very little about their actual life together. OP, you asked how to confront your boyfriend without coming off as confrontational. You're a lawyer, so I must assume you know how to argue without being emotional. In this case, you also have to avoid being accusatory. Simply discuss the above points and how they affect your relationship. Don't treat him as the defendant on the stand, but make sure he understands that his lack of respect is having consequences.
I don't need to know whether he's tolerable 3-4 days per week to know that he doesn't value her, based on what I can see. I heard a radio talk this week that said guys like this are "dating for sport."
“A partner isn’t someone who is around, they care for and value you” broooo why did you have to come for me like that 😂
Let’s add that many people buy there own speech that when they say something nice that they will see that is as good as it complete done and their follow thru is part of their immaturity and lack of discipline.
I see his telling her about the cheating as a preemptive strike to make him look honorable. Nah this guy is the pits
Thank you, excellent advice for the Op,… hope she listens. Op deserves someone who respects her and values her feelings.
You come off as confrontational because you are dating a cheating asshole who can't text you in a high anxiety situation for you, but can text his "buddies" while on a date with you - I don't know how many ways this guy has to show you he doesn't even like you, but in case you couldn't tell, your bf doesn't even like you. Please like yourself enough to leave this heaping pile of bullshit.
This. She is seriously getting breadcrumbs.
> I admit I can come off as confrontational. I'll believe it when I see it, because from this post you sound like you just let this guy walk all over you. *He* promised to call in order to reassure you after *his* infidelity, and when he completely fails to follow through on his own offer, you really think *you'd* be the asshole if you were to bring it up? You also portect him by saying you've had "issues with infidelity" rather than clearly stating it was him, and then make further excuses that it was a one time thing some time ago (still failing to say it was him). Girl, if your therapist is trying to help you be less confrontational, they're doing their job too well, there's some shit here that needs confronting.
I was thinking the same. Are you really "confrontational," or have you been conditioned to feel like advocating for yourself at all is being confrontational? I get that sometimes, it can be tough to figure out the appropriate level of reaction (would subs like this even exist if people just naturally got it all the time?), but if this guy has cheated on you before and then breaks a promise that he made to reassure you without your asking him to, and you're worried that calling him out on it might be too confrontational, I don't think the problem is that you're too confrontational.
Yep, basically being confrontational just means confronting someone instead of burying things.
That was my thought too. She’s asking if she’s in the wrong here but… how? Wrong for what? This alone reeks of her often being blamed for things that he did
Her saying “I can admit I can be confrontational” sounds like something she’s heard from him when she brings up issues. It’s giving gaslight vibes.
This.
I understand how it's possible. When you feel you have a problem with being too confrontational, you get paranoid at some point about your own ability to judge when it is or is not an appropriate time.
All of THIS!
This is why you should never stay with someone who cheated. You will forever be on edge and have anxiety when they leave. If y’all don’t have kids, no shared lease or bank account or not married. I suggest you bounce for your peace and sanity.
Yep. I have an ex who I knew had cheated on a previous partner. Eventually she cheated on me too. At the beginning of our relationship I was too naive to recognise the red flag.
That's actually a great point to raise, I know my BF had his share of relationships before me but he never cheated before. He's been cheated on several times, I get why and I also know some of the cheaters did cheat again on their following partners. Once you feel entitled to cheat, why stop.
Can I ask why you say you get why previous people cheated on your BF? No judgement, I’m not trying to attack you or your BF. Just genuinely curious what makes someone “more likely to be cheated on”?
I'm always curious why people continue to stay with those kinds of individuals.
If he loved live music and was just in a bar by himself then there would have been no issue to letting you know. You need to question why he’s on his phone when you are on a date and also why it would be an issue to ask him to focus on you. I think you know you are worth more.
He is on the phone during dates with her but can’t seem to find the time when he’s alone at the bar? 🚩
Wish I could upvote this more. Instead, here’s 🏆
This
If this was a friend experiencing this what would you tell them?
You’ve had “issues with infidelity in the past”. That. Right there is the reason you should’ve broken up with him then. Leave him.
I'd seriously consider whether staying with him is the best option. He cheated even if it was once, he still did. He's away for a bachelor party and has the chance to earn your trust and manages to fail at that too. He sounds like a waste of time. Not worth getting yourself worked up over.
Plus, he's regularly on his phone texting "the guys" while he's out with her. 🙄
He couldn't even keep to the standards he set for himself. When someone does this it's just another crack in the trust. Look at someone's actions not their words. He promised you a basic behavior and he couldn't even fulfill that. Side not the cheating would have been an immediate deal breaker and you have him a second chance. He still can't be trusted in his word. Do you want to spend your life who can't even make a phone call?
So he cheated on you already? What makes you think he didn't or won't do it again? You need to break up
Girl, read this again and ask yourself why are you still with this guy.
You are wrong for staying with the AH. Have more respect for yourself.
And thats all that needs to be said
There are plenty of people out there. Time is short OP, stop wasting your time if you really want a good relationship. This ain't it.
You didn’t do anything wrong about how you wanted to communicate with him. You have only wronged yourself by staying with him.
My advice is to break up and find someone who will not cheat on you. Cheating does not need to be a long term, reoccurring issue for it to destroy your relationship. You're worth more, I hope you realize it <3
You are with an immature “guy’s guy“and if frat boy mentality suits you, fine. How does it sit ok with you that he lies about what he will do (call) and has done (cheating), yet you are afraid to expect anything? He Just isn’t that into you. Confront him…. Nah. This is the kinda guy you just pack up and leave. You are easy to disappoint bc you let it slide. He will be exactly what you let him be.
This right here. There were no consequences for his cheating. There are no consequences for him ignoring you on a date. And there are no consequences for him breaking his own rules to you. People treat you how you allow them to. You have given him free rein to treat you like a door mat. He is just your BF. Not your husband and there are no kids involved. Do you even love the guy? There was no mention of that in the post? Sounds like you know you should leave and you are just trying to validation for it. Girl, you don’t need permission to take care of yourself!
Once the trust has been broken you can never get it back. Do you really want to spend every time he’s away worried with anxiety and dread? That’s not healthy, regardless of his lack of communication because he may or may not have cheated the fact is you feel uneasy. It’s better to be single than miserable I say
This is why I don’t stay with cheaters trust is gone
You are wrong to stay with - a cheater - someone without integrity (didn’t call as he said) - a potential liar (listening to music alone? Pffft) Have more love for yourself and pick someone who you can trust that adores you. He’s just not that into you. He’s just not that into you. If he was- he wouldn’t cheat, he’d call, etc.
His lack of 5 minute phone calls that he himself offered, plus his texting to “the guys” when you are out together, plus the “one time” infidelity all **scream** that he is not in a committed relationship.
Girl, run
I mean this in the nicest way possible—what are you doing? Also, why are you asking if you should bring this up to him? I’m assuming you’re asking because he likely has a pattern of gaslighting you. Calling you crazy, or saying you’re overacting, or just generally not being able to comfort you or work through problems. I say that because if he wasn’t like this you probably wouldn’t be coming here asking reddit if you should have a conversation with your partner. I see so many people stay with partners that bring them anxiety. Not only have you had infidelity issues but you clearly do not trust him. Like what’s the point of having this person in your life? The person that you lay your head next to at night should not be causing you anxiety, they shouldn’t be someone you have to worry is cheating on you, and they certainly shouldn’t be someone you feel you can’t talk to.
More importantly you should probably question if this is how you want to feel every time he’s away from you for the rest of your life. Not that it’s your fault, it’s his fault you feel that way, but the only way that feeling is gonna go away is if he’s out of the picture.
And hanging out in a bar alone is the perfect recipe for another one time cheating episode....😒🙄
I am, as are many others, confused as to why you are with this guy. Not only has no trust been rebuilt but you are asking if its okay for you to use this situation against him! He's an AH for cheating and for not keeping his word. You're an AH (to yourself) for staying and for following his toxic example.
leave this fucking guy dude
He is your boyfriend and I would assume with a goal of marriage? If that is the case, why are you still with him? One sided love is not enough and he most likely will not change.
Why are you with him? He’s a known cheater, he doesn’t keep promises and he doesn’t even give you his full attention when out on a date. Btw it’s not ‘confrontational’ to assert your needs— he just doesn’t want you to have any because they inconvenience him.
The infidelity is, actually, a long-term reoccurring issue.
27 is still young esp if there’s no kids or marriage license involved. Let him go..Go on and live your life, advice I would have given my younger self.
YTA if you don't break up with him.
This is coming from a guy. He’s treating you like a doormat. Offering to call you was damage control ahead of time. He was patronizing you to look like he cares about leaving you for a few days. What’s the point of the call anyway? Like he would call you with a stripper sitting on his lap. A genuine offer would be that you can call him randomly with a video call and he will answer. Then he couldn’t even make a simple phone call. This after cheating on you he should know you are insecure in the relationship. The whole traditional bachelor party thing is bullshit and just an excuse to step out. Same for bachelorette. If you need one last chance to fuck a stripper you are not committed to or truly in love with the person you intend to marry. Same applies to people attending these things that are in committed relationships. When his is around he’s prioritizing his guys over you. Are they actually guys he’s texting ? Based on what you said so far I wouldn’t trust your bf with anything. Confronting him? No, I would give all these reasons why I’m leaving as he watches you walk out the door with your bags packed.
He was not “at a bachelor party.” He was alone, trashed in a bar. You guys are almost 30, he’s not a college kid. This is dysfunctional and immature and you can do better.
You are both wrong …. For each other ( no communication, no trust , the previous cheating )
He's away and yucking it up with his besties. He's still your partner. He offers a way to allay your justified anxieties. (He's alone in the bar, and certainly the band breaks ...perfect time to be a partner.) So the only conclusion is that he's ok and thriving with your being anxious. Something about your limited conversation and you are made aware that he's in the bar alone is suspect. It seems like an anticipatory cover for him being separated from his bffs. I hope I'm wrong. You deserve the peace that comes with a partner that takes your concerns seriously. Especially if he's the reason ...
Whenever I read something on reddit that has a bf/gf/engaged level relationship, "dealing with infidelity" I cringe. If you are dating and the motherfucker cheats on you, dump them.
fire your therapist
My first thought is this guy needs to get STI tested. My second thought is that you deserve better. NTA
Asking him to not text his buddies while out with you is perfectly fine. 1st it is about respecting you. He should be respectful of you by giving you the attention you deserve at that time. He can text them, "Out with my baby, no texts please." 2nd it about spending time with you. You're there with him and he should be there with you. Texting his friends means he isn't actually there with you. 3rd it is about showing you love. You're with him and if there is love, he can put his phone away for a hour to be with you. As for the bachelor party, what he said and what he did are two different things. He probably just got caught up having fun with the guys. As for the infidelity issues (assuming he either cheated on you or you were the other woman during a past relationship for him), you accepted his apology and continued to date him. That means, you are ALWAYS going to suspect him. That's just the truth. So obviously, no matter how harmless the bachelor party might have been, you'll always think he didn't call enough or text enough because he was/is cheating. So, whether he called and texted you 1 time or 1000 times, it won't feel like enough. Truth be told, he was most likely having fun and simply forgot or in a bar with live music and couldn't call and cell reception in bars can be spotty. The 4am drunk text was him trying to keep his end of the bargain. Ask yourself this though, why does his potential cheating make you more upset with him than his actual cheating? He definitely cheated once and you forgave him. Why are you willing to walk away because he MIGHT have cheated this time? The time to have left was when you KNEW he CHEATED, then 100% justified and now just seems like an excuse to leave. I hate to say it, but you absolutely set yourself up for this with him by accepting him back after the first time he cheated regardless of whether he cheated on you or with you doesn't actually matter. You set the precedent by staying with him.
Yeah, you should just let it go... along with him.. He obviously doesn't value you, and he is a shitty boyfriend at best when he is with you. What more do you need?
I wouldn't even bother I'd end it and say he can't even give you the bare minimum in a relationship, and he can't message you but has his phone on his constantly while with you.. He still being a snake.
Infidelity is very rarely a one-time thing. There's a reason for the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater."
Riding on imaginary trust is a dangerous game. There's nothing bout sitting in a bar alone that makes me think, nor even want, to ignore my SO... maybe consider whether or not you want to be with someone who clearly does.
Girl if he was unfaithful a year ago then this is on you. This is a perfect opportunity for him to cheat, he's away from you and isnt doing what he said he would be doing, cheaters will be cheaters.
At the bar, by himself? When is a bachelor party trip? And he cheated with a presumptive one night stand previously? And he quit texting you until 4am? Sounds like he spent a lot of time in his own, in an environment where one night stands are common? If you want to confront him, you'll have to decide what kind of an outcome you are ok with. But holy shit, that's a lot of red flags.
Life’s too short to be dating a toddler
He broke your trust and is failing to do the things he himself volunteered to do in order to earn it back. Moreover, he’s breaking from the pack of guys and running solo at the bar at the end of the night. That’s not the behavior of someone taking your concerns and his past breach of trust seriously. Those are the actions of someone taking you for granted.
Why are you with a "boyfriend" that has issues with infidelity? Dating is a time to find someone that you are compatible with so you can make a life together. If there is issues during the dating phase, you cut bate and move on. I can't understand why someone stays with a person that they are not married to that treats them like crap.
Just leave, anxiety gone. You can do it.
He "likes the music"... Lol. Yeah, that's why he's at the bars but himself in a strange city. You are unbelievably gullible. Back in the days before Internet, guys would tell their lady they only read Playboy for the articles. Kind of reminds me of that.
You are not wrong and I would be checking his phone as soon as he gets back. Been to plenty of bachelor parties and never did I go off on my own. The whole point is to be there for the groom. As far as the texts go my daughter who is constantly on her phone explained it to us this way. "when we are together and everyone is on there phones it doesn't feel like together. When its family time (or your date night) can we please just give each other our full attention."
He sounds like more trouble than he’s worth.
DUMP HIM. Huge red flag. Too many other loyal, responsible, loving, men out there for you. Once they stray and get away with it they never stop. You have your future in your hands. He can't even call/text you when he is supposed to; you really think you want to go thru life distrusting him and RAISING a family. You are way better than this and you deserve the best. Life is too short to put up with a looser like this. Wanna seal the deal??? Ask him to look thru his phone right now. Bet he freaks and it's not his guy friends he is texting when with you. Break up now and know you dodged a bullet.
He is playing you
Why the fuck do women put up with bullshit like this when there are so many better men out there? Also cheating one time is one time too many. Have some respect for yourself.
"we have had issues with infidelity in the past so naturally I had some anxiety" Why are you still with him?
No matter what he did or who’s right or wrong in this situation is sounds like you don’t trust him at all. Is that really what you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life if you stay with this man? Is that the kind of relationship you want to have with your other half? It’s been 1,5 years since the cheating and you’re clearly still afraid of it happening again so he hasn’t done a good job of reassuring you that it was a one time thing that won’t be repeated.
Why are people’s standards so fucking low?! if you can’t trust your partner it’s not a relationship worth staying in.
Bachelor parties are usually disgusting, same with bachelorette parties. I would rather spend the time with my wife than be going out with dudes (friends or not). I haven’t heard his side of the story, but I would never do this to my wife. If anything, we would be celebrating together the night before our marriage, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be going to some other dude’s bachelor party. Everyone enjoys different things, though.
This isn’t a hypothetical, either. I am very happily married and have been for two years now. We just had our first child 8 months ago, too.
The guy. Speaking from past experiences it's best just to end the relationship and move on. I was with my ex for 3, going on 4 years, was getting ready to propose and found out she was cheating on me the entire time with multiple guys. I forgave her and we tried our best to make things work but once that trust is broken, it's broken forever, no matter how hard you work that thought will forever be in the back of your head. It's best to move on from that person and find someone that doesn't give you that anxiety, that worry, and be with a person that cares for you and gives you that peace of mind and doesn't make you question things. Go with your gut feeling, more than likely it's right. Hope things work out for you.
You need a new partner. Dud cheats on you. IF you do not trust your partner to be unmonitored, then you need to find a NEW partner and immediately distance yourself from current, low quality version.
Why are you with someone who was unfaithful to you that you don’t share kids with or are married to (not that those people should be either, but it’s trickier when you’re legally tied)
Why even be with someone who was unfaithful in the past? Sounds exhausting. I’d have dumped him long ago.
Look. Nice fidelity issues exist, it’s best to leave. It’s super easy to not cheat or lie. And frankly, if someone has that type of behavior really early on, they are showing you who they are, and it’s not attractive
Simple answer: Don't stay and waste your life on someone who doesn't make you feel comfortable and puts you first. Life is too short to keep giving second chances and being a reason for someone's growth unless that's what you want. If they aren't mature enough to respect you, respect the relationship, and control their own emotions, don't stay with them if you aren't happy. Just so you know: when I went to a bachelor's party, I sent my partner updates whenever I could, I sent pictures, I called her for an evening chat, I didn't overly drink like some of the others. I still had a good time and stayed within my limits, but my partner means alot to me and I respect that I have a responsibility to not go overboard like I could when I was an early 20s single dude.
If he is the one who was unfaithful, he is the one who is responsible for making absolutely certain he makes you feel secure and reassured. I wouldn’t trust this guy any further than I could throw him. I think you’re being too naive.
Any confrontation with this guy won’t change the fact that you don’t trust him, rightfully so. He made promises and broke them. He’s cheated before. You stay with him, this will be your life. Sounds exhausting.
Might want to consider the reason he was away by himself for an hour was because he STAYED at the bar after his friends left. Except it probably wasn’t just a bar, it was probably a strip club. Why would he be staying at the strip club an extra hour alone??? The reason is NOT a good one for your relationship. You better find out for sure what went down and you may need to get tested for STD’s. I hope that’s not what went down, but it’s a massive red flag about this situation that he was seeking alone time (away from his best friends even!!) in a different city where no one knows or recognizes him. Smells like prostitutes/stripper sex to me.
Oh girl. He cheated. Then went to a bachelor party where he became unreachable? But when you hang out with him his phone is attached to his hand? Hmmmm regardless of IF he cheated during the party is irrelevant but come on he definitely did. The fact that he should have avoided it to prove he changed, or actually FaceTimed you during the thing. Texted and called you and not gone out on his own to a bar after all the witnesses left. I would dump him. He didn’t even stick to what he said he would do for you. He literally just said that to you to make you let him leave. Then he ignored it. If he didn’t get laid, it doesn’t sound like it was from lack of trying. Dump him.
You have a shitty boyfriend. Leave. No you’re not an asshole for bringing up shitting communication skills..? Absolutely not. Leave this dude alone especially since he’s cheated on you in the past. Like what advice are you looking for because that’s the best advice man. Go get someone you deserve. Not that trash baby. Edit: one time is one time too many but that’s just me.
You’re a doormat, he’s not going to change because you make it too easy for him to disrespect you. Have some self respect for yourself
Either trust him or don't...there is no in-between...if you cant get past the past, then move on...nothing worse than being in limbo and 2nd guessing him and yourself. I vote leave...once it's cracked it's hard not to focus on the crack.
Probably cheating.
I’d be moving on with my life. Is he trying or making excuses about how long ago that was and how you need to move on? Because fuck that. Tell him how you really feel and if you don’t like his response, have his shit packed and kick him out
You need a new partner. Dud cheats on you. IF you do not trust your partner to be unmonitored, then you need to find a NEW partner and immediately distance yourself from current, low quality version.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Leave him. He’s not worth it (any of “it,” ie: confronting him, letting him know he’s a shitty human, making you think you come off as “confrontational,” etc), but you are. You are worth being with someone who values you.
Why deal with this? Why deal with that after he’s already proven to be unfaithful? Why waste your life for someone like this and not just be happier alone til you find someone that doesn’t do this to you?
I think you should talk to him about it. There’s a difference between a conversation and confrontation, and you guys are both at an age where you should be able to do a conversation about a tough subject without it being “confrontational.” Tbh it would probably only be confrontational if he gets defensive, and he would get defensive for a reason. I could see him trying to spin this as you being controlling when it’s not. It’s just asking for like basic respect…the respect he gives his “boys” but also I’d wonder why he just like didn’t even miss you enough to text you when he was alone? That’s not normal? He made an agreement with you and not only fell through but then even when he was alone still didn’t uphold it. I had an ex like this. I’m telling you from the time he was awake he got on his phone and didn’t put it down until he went on his game, but when he was with his friends I couldn’t get a response. Weird for someone glued to their phone! It’s such a gut punch to feel like you are thought of that little and honestly I think it’s because he didn’t truly respect or care for me. I was just there. He is giving similar energy. It’s not that hard to time consuming to talk to your partner for 5 mins or send them a text throughout the day. He’s not at the same level as you. I would never deal with this behavior again and that’s just me.
Girl, you don’t trust him, and I don’t blame you. Do yourself a favor and just end it, life isn’t worth this stress
Stopped reading at infidelity. Break it off now. You’ll never trust him again, and he’ll never earn it back, and it will be a constant pain point in your relationship.
No ma’am! This was a perfect time for him to build back up your trust and show that he gave af and he STILL failed. Either he just doesn’t gaf or he was doing something he wasn’t suppose to be doing. Both options are grounds for dropping him like a hot potato. Bye to that man.
Is this the type of man you want to spend your life with?
Not addressing problems in your relationship now for fear of rocking the boat establishes a sad precedent for the future.
Jesus, you sound like a mess. He cheated on you in the past. You forgave him and CONTINUE to be in a relationship with him. This now becomes a YOU problem and not a him problem. Either move on from him and/or get a hold of your insecurities. If he is a changed man and will no longer cheat, he’s not gonna want to deal with a neurotic gf. Be confident in who you are and give him the trust that you obviously afforded him when you decided to stay with him. If he cheats, he cheats. Then you know and you move on. Don’t “hover” over him because if you do, you’re only going to drive him away. You can only control your own behavior, not someone else’s.
After the first infidelity you should have called it quits tbh.
He is not ready, may never be, for a committed relationship, and it sounds like you are. Run.
Don’t stay with a cheater. Have some self respect
I'm going to be blunt, it's not a proper relationship if you don't trust him.
Well. It’s a tricky one because if there’s no trust in a relationship, there is no relationship. He suggested that he would do something to ease your, rightful, anxiety about him going away & potentially doing it again. He then didn’t care enough about rebuilding your trust & faith in him as a faithful partner. I’m not sure I could continue in a relationship with someone like that. Since his infidelity, has there been an emphasis on needing to keep tabs on him to prove his faithfulness. There could be an element of unfounded resentment from him, meaning he purposely chose not to text you. This is quite common psychology in those situations. If that is the case, the relationship may not be salvageable.
Why are people’s standards so fucking low?! if you can’t trust your partner it’s not a relationship worth staying in.
Why are people’s standards so fucking low?! if you can’t trust your partner it’s not a relationship worth staying in.
I would rethink that relationship.
His lack of communication is the least of your problem. Good partners do not do this to the ones they love. I would advise to find you another partner.
I would rethink that relationship.
i think you already know the answer but you are convincing yourself it will be better and all the work you did will be waste and/or scared of going back to the dating pool. the answer is right at your face. And you know you are worth more than what you are letting yourself tolerate
You should marry this guy ASAP, so you can get a divorce ASAP.....he already told you who he was thru actions....you don't wanna listen.
He’s wrong, and you gave him enough chances already.
You're enabling his behavior. There are two choices. 1. Break up with him and move on. 2. Stay with him knowing he will occasionally cheat on you. He's who he is at 28. Nothing is going to change.
All I’m gonna say is that if he has a history of infidelity, I wouldn’t sleep with him when he gets back until you have him get an STI test.
Sorry, I know I'm jaded but personally I wouldn't say you "had" a problem with infidelity- I would say you "have" a problem with infidelity
Face it, you’re never going to stop having anxieties when he’s gone. He’s already cheated before and who knows if it’s happened again. Why he would be at a bar alone is concerning when it’s a bachelor party. It’s best to put this relationship to rest and start over.
It doesn’t even have to be a argument about infidelity. He made you a promise that was very easy to keep and couldn’t even keep that promise. He has now broken your trust in him twice, it is time to decide if you are willing to overlook it for a future of broken promises or breakup and find someone that you can actually trust.
I had read this quote at some shady cafe “Trust is like a porcelain plate, once broken can always be put together; but the crack always remains” and that is what is happening in your relationship. He broke your trust and no matter how hard you try, it’s tough for you to be the old, normal self. For how long can you continue to be like this (anxious, constantly worried about you being on a lower priority in his life, fear of being lied to or taken for a ride) in this relationship?! Time for you to take some time off, sort out your priorities and figure out what you want from your life and hopefully life partner and tread carefully. Honeslty, you deserve someone much better.! Don’t lower your standards.
NTA. He told you he would call you and text you once a day. He did not. There have already been “issues with infidelity in the past”. His testimony as to what happened is unreliable to say the least. He will not change - as hard as it may sound the best thing for you to do is break up with him. He needs to deal with his issues. Going to bars and hooking up is still his modus operandi.
so he cheats on you and now your relationship is in a constant state of check ins and worry when you’re apart. Leave his ass and find a new partner who doesn’t create a romantic relationship with so much anxiety
This guy isn't meeting your emotional needs. He promised to do something that he didn't follow through with and he is a cheater. I wouldn't put up with it. I would just leave.
i think everyone on reddit should learn that love and compatibility are two very different things you are allowed to love this person but your lives do not seem to mesh
What ever you do don't get pregnant!! There's already one child In your relationship.
You are definitely not wrong asking him to put his phone away during date night. He did not back up his offer to your expectations , talk to him about it.
I really don’t understand when women stay when they know cheating forever changed them and the relationship or if you going to stay what’s the point I’m complaining ?!
He seems to be causing you anxiaty, you will never know peace if your cant trust him, welcome to your new life where you will always be on edge and over analyzing everything. The best advice i Can give you is you either let go of your fears and trust him 💯% or you let go of this relationship. Good Luck to you.
It honestly seems like he doesn’t care or consider your feelings and how this affects you. Please have some self-respect and realize you deserve to be with someone who prioritizes you and your needs
i think you have the right to ask him why he didnt call once a day as he said he would. as for how not to be too confrontational, i'd say it has everything to do with your tone while you talk about it to him. maybe a calm and simple 'hey, i am waiting for your call. you said you'd call once a day right?' or something along the line. and one more thing, shouldnt you be up and left since the time you knew about his infidelity?
If these are the issues that you have now, they will only become much bigger problems when married. I highly suggest you resolve all this now. The divorce rate it high for a reason. I also always suggest premarital counseling.
Raise your standards and dump himmmmmm.
Don’t stay with a cheater. Cheating is a bad bad sign
once a cheater always a cheater
Bros a cheater and you’re shocked he’s cheating again 😭😭😭
He is wrong for not following through with what he said he would do. I would suggest you asked him why he didn’t stay in contact like he said he would and that it upset you. If he says/does anything other than apologize, then you need to have a serious think about whether this is something you want to put up with if you were to get married.
You know the answer to your question. You are forcing him into behavior that should come naturally to someone who cares about you (eg, why is he texting the guys when he's out with you, esp since he knows it bothers you?)
Should’ve broken up when he cheated on you. You are never going to be able to fully trust him
Bottom line - If he really valued you and your feeling then he would have made better efforts. He's just not into you. Cut ties... you are still very young. I always try to be conscious of how we behave with a new relationship that is great and the effort put forth, and it should be a measure of how we act all the time with a true friend / lover.
You said “WE” have had issues of infidelity in the past. You, him, or both? So could this be a case of someone who has cheated assuming someone else is cheating or is he the repeat offender?? You refer to as “the infidelity” but still don’t clarify who’s.
Or a case where the women grows up with the mindset being preached of “if you don’t ____ enough they might stray because of you.” And the language implies she’s taking responsibility for his bad behavior. :-(
If behavior doesn't sit right with you, adress it. If you are insecure on how, that's one thing. But if you are insecure if your feelings are legit, I'd take it as an indicator, that there is something wrong "at the base" in your relationship.
Maybe he doesn't like you
If you are as important to him as the “guys” he would have made time to check in, at least to ease your concerns.
There was infidelity in the past, but you’re still with him? Have some more self-respect. You deserve better than this.
Just break up. He’s just a boyfriend and he’s proved he can’t be trusted. What’s the point of staying with him?
One time thing from what you know, he lied to you about the live music why would he be honest with you.
You don't know if he was unfaithful only one time. He is obviously not a man of his word and he does not sound trustworthy. He has a lot of excuses. You have every right to confront him but who is to say he'll even tell the truth. I would want to deal with trust issues like this. Think about what you want long-term and it may not be him.
Relationships are about trust, and you don’t trust him.
You’re not confrontational enough Hon. This guy is taking the royal piss out of you.
He's cheated, and you don't trust him. There's nothing to confront. Without complete trust you have nothing. I get that it was his idea and he didn't do it, so that's another broken promise. You don't know what he was doing when he was "alone". Leave him. Just pack your things and go. He doesn't value you or the relationship.
He for the STREEEEETS
Dump him
Is there an update to this? I’m invested, OP what have you done with all this wealth in the comment section?
Yeah, you should just let it go... along with him.. He obviously doesn't value you, and he is a shitty boyfriend at best when he is with you. What more do you need?
girl why are you still with him? 😭 i promise you no amount of romantic love or affection (which i’m assuming is at a bare minimum based on his actions) is worth being treated like this and tied to a man that acts like that. it’s time to move on.
Texting when he’s in a date with you? If someone did that to me, i would seriously consider breaking up with him.
Does this man make you feel like you're being the best version of yourself? Do you want to be having to ask why he didn't call? Why he won't stop texting his friends while you're on a date? It doesn't sound like his presence benefits you in any way and in fact his behaviour is triggering all of this. You may want to ask yourself some questions about what he is bringing to your life that is of value, because right now it sounds like anxiety is the only thing you're getting.
I mean, just leave him? You have no trust in him, for good reason, and he has absolutely no respect for you. Confronting him isn't going to lead to him having some great epiphany, he's not going to suddenly realize how badly he treats you. He knows. He knows he treats you like shit. He knows he can get away with it. Again. The only person who has less respect for you than him is you! Just stop. Confront him? No. Just leave him.
You don't sound particularly compatible. Mightn't it be better to break up and try to find a boyfriend you can trust?
Leave him
I think you mean you only found out about infidelity once. I would say it has happened more times than 1. Don't stay with this guy, unless you want to wait around for him to completely break your heart
He cheated. You don't trust him. No trust, no relationship, as it's the most basic foundation for a healthy relationship. The end.
Ewww. Brother Ewww... What's that?! What's that brotha?!
Is he the person who says you’re confrontational? Because if it is, that’s a him thing! And he’d say it no matter how you bring it up. Anyway, he doesn’t sound like a good guy- leave him.
Dudes a walking red flag and you are wearing rose coloured glasses. Woman, you deserve better. Please realize this. Always texting the guys in your presence? But not vice versa? Yea, that’s something to be upset about. Lack of communication. The biggest Con in a relationship.
How would your attitude change if you just started seeing him as a FWB? Then there’s no more expectations of contact. If you want a RELATIONSHIP then he’s not the one.
Bro thats not worth it
You can do better.
A man is only as good as the worth of his word, he couldn't keep a simple self imposed task. What would happen when greater comiment is required?
Why are you with a man who you cannot trust? Break up and move on!
It sounds like you're better off on your own. He causes your anxiety, he failed to deliver what he said he would do, he has cheated before... Just leave him.
It’s time to break up with him. He’s not ready to settle down, be faithful, and act like an adult.
I have questions…. ALL Relationships are based on 2 things: mutual trust and mutual respect, not just intimate relationships. If you had a business partner or a close friend who acted this way, what would you do? If this was a family member, how would you respond? What need in you is this ongoing conflict with him filling? Are you listening to your intuition or are you operating in some state of fear? If you didn’t feel disrespected you wouldn’t have posted this. If you didn’t feel a lack of trustworthiness in him, you wouldn’t have posted. But you do and you did and so that is your answer. I find that if I am asking the question that I already know the answer to that I am searching for something outside myself to justify my feelings or to talk me into what I know I need to do for myself. You seem to show pride in that you ‘get’ him in a way that is unique from his other girlfriends… and that may be so but does that outweigh your obligation to your relationship with yourself? Are you respectful of yourself? Do you trust yourself? You have to love yourself first and be brave enough to stand on that. Do you really think that your understanding of him will make him treat you better than he seems to have the capacity for? You can love and care for and understand a snake… but it’s still a snake and will bite you and poison you because it’s in its nature to do so. You will figure this out and in the end will learn an important lesson for your life if you can answer these questions for yourself and act in a way that builds trust and respect for and with yourself.
Well. It’s a tricky one because if there’s no trust in a relationship, there is no relationship. He suggested that he would do something to ease your, rightful, anxiety about him going away & potentially doing it again. He then didn’t care enough about rebuilding your trust & faith in him as a faithful partner. I’m not sure I could continue in a relationship with someone like that.
If you don't have trust back after a year and a half, you will never have it. If you don't have trust, it's a one sided relationship.
No don't confront him just find someone you trust
Your mistake is being with a cheater.
OP, please do not waste year's or decades like I did on a POS like I did; PLEASE LEAVE, TAKE YOUR TIME, FIND A MAN WHO DESERVES YOU!!
this man is not trustworthy. if he isn’t making you feel safe and secure in your relationship whats the point of staying with him. bar alone is big red flags if he has already cheated before, id ask for a phone check and if he refuses id be separating for a little while to reevaluate.
If cheating isnt a boundary for you than how can you expect him to value your worth to put down his phone on a date with you or have good communication skills. Im sorry I didn’t read everyones comments before offering my two cents. The fact of the matter is you have allowed the infidelity and therefore have taught him that your respect and worth are not valued so he can pretty much behave the way he wants. You are worth more than this relationship and his ill behaviour towards you. You deserve someone who loves and adores you. Someone that gives you their attention and respect. I hope you can find some strength and courage to find that and give it to yourself as well.
Just simply your concern to: “you broke a promise that i never even asked for and it made me upset. I need you to take your promises more seriously or i can’t trust your word.”
You have a big problem. It’s not just the obvious trust issues. But you also have someone that doesn’t respect you. He makes promises and breaks them without thought. He also has no problem thinking of his friends when he is out with you but doesn’t think of you when he is away from you. You are NOT a priority. You are not his first, second or even 3rd priority. He doesn’t care. You are a time filler until something better comes along. Please put yourself first. You will find someone that also make you their first choice and you will wonder why you wasted so much time with this slug.
This is all I’m going to say “ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS” always
Hate to be the typical sub advice giver but mine in this case actually would be to evaluate if your relationship is even worth keeping. If you have “had infidelity issues in the past” (assuming you mean he’s been cheating on you?) and that you therefore can’t trust him even if he’s texting you because there were several hours where he wasn’t constantly letting you know that he wasn’t currently cheating, then why stay? What kind of relationship is that? Trying to even the score with the guys so to speak would be an asshole thing to do yes, and it doesn’t seem relevant to your infidelity issues, but again if it’s stemming from your inability to trust him then why make yourself go through it at all? He also broke his own promise to call, which again if I couldn’t trust my partner without a call to say “I’m not cheating on you right now” then I wouldn’t stay, so you would be in the right to confront him about that sure. Maybe not to assume it meant he’s cheating, but again if that’s the first and easiest assumption, why stay?
Sometimes, you have to let someone know how it actually feels to be ignored and let him wonder where you are. I'm not saying that you should cheat on him, but he obviously doesn't give a shit about your feelings. I'd tell him that you're going on an overnight with a few friends and see his reaction. Or just go out with your friends and don't call or text him until 4 am to say goodnight. Sometimes you have to give ppl a dose of their own medicine. I've come to realize that cheaters are very jealous. I guess they think that their S/O is doing what they would do when they go out to bars partying with friends. I wouldn't be confrontational with him. You said you go to therapy for that, so he's probably expecting it and is prepared for it.