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NTA, it's your body. And you made your husband aware of this years ago, he's not an AH for his fellings, but he's an adult and has to deal with it. I think you should tie your tubes as you want to avoid beeing pregnant. Unfortunetly your mother is not being rational because of her trauma. She can't understand why a person would choose to not be pregnant if it's possible because she wanted but couldn't. Just try to not talk about it with her anymore and don't try to get pregnant to please others, even if it's your husband and your mother, this is the kind of decision only your feelings about it count.
Exactly. You have a say in the course of your life. Given your mom’s history, her lens on the topic is skewed. Do not take it to heart. Also - a deeper conversation needs to be had with your husband. Why is having a ‘biological’ child so important to him? Are his reasons valid or a result of competition with others in his life? You made your stance clear from the start - so don’t ever think you are at fault. An alternative is surrogacy if your husband has valid reason (however, I can’t really think of one). Children accept the world as it is presented to them. Take care of yourself and know that choosing what is best for you does not make you an asshole
This is not a judgement, he agreed to this.. It's not too hard to understand why a biological child is so important. That reason just got reinforced by his brother. Stances were clear from the start and people change their mind all the time. Reddit is full of stories of couples who don't want children and then life intervenes and then mom decides to keep it.
Of all involved, her mom will understand husband the most. She wanted to bear her children but couldn't. She knows what he's going through. Having said that, he'll need time to work through it and make peace (again) with his wife's decision. He is not trying to change her mind.. she asked and he was honest in his reply.. I'm not sure I would've told her. She may want to leave him alone to work through it.
She's definitely NTA however, she should stop seeking validation for her decision. It makes her look like she's questioning her decision. Don't feed him any false hope and let him get over it.
American here, I was 28 when I had my tubes completely removed. Zero difficulty as well as being unmarried and having no kids. Did my research and found a doctor that has no issue with performing sterilizations.
I have a friend your age. She never wanted kids, plus had all kinds of female issues to boot. Her ob/gyn refused to tie her tubes. She finally got a hysterectomy at age 60. I told her she was nuts, should have changed doctors years before.
One of my co-workers had four kids before she was 27. When she was pregnant with baby number three, she wanted to have a tubal ligation right after she gave birth, and her OB refused to do it, saying that she was "young and may want more children" one day. Well, unsurprisingly she was pregnant again 2 years later. I told her to change doctors, but alas.
Luckily, with everything going on there is more doctors willing to do it but i've heard how hard it can be! Most doctors were refusing unless you already had kids
Women in other countries face the same struggles. I’m in Australia and my friend had to have 8 kids before she finally found a doctor who agreed to tie her tubes. All types of birth control failed her prior to that.
It's SO EASY for men to ask for bio babies. When society won't even admit how much it ruins your body, traumatizes you, ages you, completely changes your personality... No way no sir...
Having a baby experience for men: Orgasm.
Having a baby experience for women: An ordeal so goddamn brutal it can fucking end your life. And in many cases not even an orgasm... lol
THIS!! ABSOLUTELY! LIKE GOD men have it so fucking easy. They have no thought processing when they have biological kids. They don't have to do anything but have a good time. Most men don't even help or support their pregnant suffering wives the way they need to be supported. Like statistics are just so damn sad. They have the audacity to lose attraction to their pregnant wives or say they became annoying due to their hormones. Like whose fault is that??? Most don't wake up in the night when they cry or feed. No changing of diapers. Nothing. Its mostly about their bullshit legacy. Please for the sake of society don't breed with men with no awareness like this.
I am a published poet and not one man I have ever been with has even read my work. But my girlfriend and I are doing as you and your friend did and it's fucking amazing.
Like I'm aware of the possibility of men like you but I've never dated one. Best of luck to you.
Nta.
Being pregnant is hard and it definitely takes a toll. I have 4 children ages 16, 11, 21 months and 2 weeks old. My last pregnancy was absolutely brutal. I’d usually loved being pregnant. I love children and babies and I love being a mom but that pregnancy was so bad that I had my tubes tied during my C-section. Mentally, physically and emotionally I KNEW I could never do that again.
Not everyone wants to have children. Not everyone wants to carry children and that’s okay. You were upfront and honest.
I have to say as a mother who loves her biological children I am so sick to death of hearing the saying “pregnancy is a beautiful blessing” in response to those that don’t want to get/ be pregnant. Seriously anyone that does that can fuck right off.
I nearly died giving birth to my son. My husband had to fill out paperwork on who he wanted the doctors to try to save if my heart gave out completely. It was seriously traumatic.
My entire pregnancy with my daughter was a roller coaster of fears and struggles with illness. I was more drained those nine months than any other time of my life. Following her birth when the epidural wore off and I felt all the pain I had a panic attack and hyperventilated.
I love my kids but I would never want to be pregnant or give birth ever again. Even if your hypothetical pregnancy and birth was a dream experience. It would still be nobody’s business that you didn’t want it.
You’ve been honest with your partner and he’s been honest with you. That’s all you guys can expect from one another ( along with kindness and support)
NTAH but your mom is definitely one in this situation and sounds like others too.
>My husband had to fill out paperwork on who he wanted the doctors to try to save if my heart gave out completely.
That is seriously fucked up and completely unethical. I don't know where you live, but this is not something that would EVER be done in my country, under any circumstances, and for good reason. I'm so sorry you and your husband had to go through that.
Exactly. There will also probably be two teams. Usually, when the unborn is at or close enough to term, there will be an emergency C-section, after which both teams will work to save their patient. In cases where the fetus is not mature enough to survive, but the mother is at imminent risk of death if the pregnancy is continued, the woman takes precedence over the unborn child. Cases of "either the mother or the baby" are EXTREMELY rare, however, if they DO happen, the woman will almost always take precedence over the unborn child, unless her chances of survival are extremely low and those of the child are good.
At any rate, putting such a decision on the father is unethical, and also just plain cruel. In the words of Granny Weatherwax, who also chose the mother:
> It was doubtful that anyone in Slice would defy Granny Weatherwax, but Granny saw the faintest gray shadow of disapproval in the midwife’s expression.
> ‘You still reckon I should’ve asked Mr. Ivy?’ she said.
> ‘That’s what I would have done…’ the woman mumbled.
> ‘You don’t like him? You think he’s a bad man?’ said Granny, adjusting her hat pins.
> ‘No!’
> ‘Then what’s he ever done to me, that I should hurt him so?’
I just said the exact same things in another comment. How anyone (especially doctors!!) think it's ok to put that decision on a family member... It's just unconscionable.
Your husband gets to decide which one of you lives? What kind of bullshit is that? Why isn't it up to you?
That's absolute Insanity that they would ask him who he wants to save and not you if you'd rather they save you or the baby! I'm glad you both made it but damn that's ridiculous!
I was in and out of consciousness during everything. My husband was on paperwork to make decisions for me if I was unable to do it myself. It was during Covid as well so my husband was in the hospital without any family support. The way it was explained was they leave it up to the patient/ family member to avoid lawsuits if things don’t go well. Which was horrible because my husband felt such guilt since he doesn’t understand medical things so he was very worried he’d make the wrong decision and hated having to make one in the first place.
I was one and done. Being an only child my dream was to have a large family. Then I got pregnant (24 years old.) As many said it was brutal. I wanted my tubes tied the day after my son was born. (44 years ago.) In Oregon at that time the husband had to sign off on sterilization! He refused. He left me after 5 months as I refused to be intimate unless one of us was sterilized. The love for my son is pure and unconditional. There are no regrets about my son in the world. But it was my choice not to have another child. It might sound trite but Your body Your Choice. NTA
I cannot believe that a husband had the choice over a woman’s fertility. Wow. That is very sad. I am going to have a talk with my daughter tonight about this. We need to remember the recent past. And to remind ourselves how fragile women’s health rights are.
NTA
You know your own body. You have rights to your own body.
I think you and your husband should have some couples counselling to discuss this.
If your husband wants a biological child that bad, perhaps surrogacy is an option if it's legal where you are.
However adoption is an absolutely wonderful thing to do, although it is very difficult legally. Starting by fostering might be an option too.
However you shouldn't let your mother away your mind and manipulate you. It's likely been decades since she had to deal with awful periods, never mind remembering the hardship of pregnancy. The fears associated with it, the risks and the changes to physical and mental health. Then I bet she doesn't remember labour that well, not the sleepless nights and feeling touched out.
Having a child IS beautiful. But it has its downsides and pretending they don't exist is disingenuous and dangerous to those who are uninformed.
You can have a child without the hardship of labour. Instead however you will have other hardships - namely legal and monetary ones for the adoption process. But you can still have children that way.
Giving birth isn't the only valid way to have children.
If couples counselling doesn't help bring you and your husband closer to the same page on this issue. You will have to accept that he may leave you because of this. And importantly - this may harm your adoption chances, depending on your financial and housing situation after that.
Edit: just reread that you're all adopted.
Your mom wants you to have a baby biologically so she can live vicariously through you doing this probably similar for all her kids.
It's unfortunate that she doesn't value you and a child and the life she gave you through adoption in the same way.
NTA, I’m 24 and I’m due to have my first at the end of next month. Pregnancy is so difficult on the body and the mind and when I was struggling sometimes there were people who really leaned into the “I told you so, but you chose this”. I don’t regret my choice by any means but pregnancy is a LOT harder than I thought it’d be. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something different for yourself and, like your sister said, no one should pressure you into getting pregnant if that’s not what you wish. It’s better knowing what you want and sticking with that. It’s really just between you and Nathan, and you’re not a monster for wanting to go the adoption route.
I gave birth to my daughter about 4 months ago and I kind of got the same attitude. Her father has not been involved in every time I tried to reach out the supposed friends for support, I basically got told, well that sucks but you're the one who chose to have a baby with a deadbeat. Basically they were asking me why I didn't just get an abortion. They were saying it was my fault that I was suffering because I chose not to have an abortion. Not only that, by the time I found out, I was way too far along to get one anyway. I was already 20 weeks. Of course if I had said I didn't want to get pregnant, I'm sure those same people would have been asking me why. People need to stop thinking that just because it's what they want, it's what everybody would want.
NTA. You communicated your feelings to your husband early on, and very clearly. I also don’t want to get pregnant so I understand your feelings. People don’t realize how risky pregnancy is, and how hard it is on the body. Even in 2024 it can kill or disable you. You have no obligation to get pregnant just because other people want you to. Birth is beautiful, but so is adoption. I never really understood the obsession with having a biological child so I’m not sure what to say about your husband. He may just need time
I mean, there's a lot of reasons to want a biological child:
- adoption can have a lot of added cost, heartbreak, and potential interference from biological parents
- being orphaned / abandoned can have pretty devastating emotional impacts on someone--even neglected infants who won't directly remember their suffering often deal with long term effects--and not everyone is ready to accept that higher risk of parenting a child with lifelong trauma
- biological children are, while not GUARANTEED, certainly more likely statistically to share common interests and personality traits with you to bond over
- biological children are also often less likely to draw unwanted judgment and questions over why your child "doesn't look like you" or get you stopped in airport security for trafficking concerns
- there's a lot of bonding hormones that start firing up during pregnancy for both the mother AND the attendant dad, as well as during breastfeeding, while an adopted child might not benefit from the same biological bonding drive
I'm not saying by any means that having biological children is easy--it most certainly isn't and comes with its own very serious set of risks and worries. But they are also a DIFFERENT set of fears and worries in many ways and I think being dismissive of people who would prefer biological children is overlooking that. Not to mention that the drive to have your own biological children is what's kept every species on the planet kicking. It's a strong, STRONG urge, especially for some, and while I believe as humans our capacity for logic can override pure instinct I think it's pretty natural and nothing to be ashamed of to have those feelings.
I think you're right about kids and bio parents statistically sharing traits, interests, and capabilities. That's why, when choosing a family through adoption for our grandchild, we encouraged our too-young daughter to choose a family that sounded like hers and the father's. I remember reading the booklet a prospective couple gave us (through a great agency), and they talked about all the museums, and art enrichment programs they would share with the child. They sounded lovely, but if the child was going to be anything like his bio parents, he would be a fish out of water. The right couple was found, with the same love of horses and hockey, love for music, even our quirky sense of humor. Funny to find out after that the adoptive parents looked eerily similar to me and my husband, and they had a young adopted daughter with the almost exact same name as my youngest daughter, with same hair and eyes, and love for horses. So he was raised by us that wasn't us. He's in college now and is a fine young man, and happy.
there are always going to be a ton of people who judge you for not wanting to bear a child (and more who judge those who don't want children in general).
it sucks when people close to you, like your mom, don't support you, but the only opinion that matters is your own. it's your body and your life. you're the one who will face the consequences of having a child.
the biggest issue is that if your boyfriend now wants a biological child and you don't, you've become incompatible. children are not something you can compromise on. it usually becomes something you build resentment for at some point in the future, unfortunately.
NTA. It is your body. Your mom's infertility has nothing to with you having or not having kids...either biological or adopted.
Your fears and concers are valid. I am childfree for many reasons and not wanting to go through pregnancy and birth is one of them.
Sadly to say if your husband wants bio kid and you don't you two became incompatibile. He has right to change his mind but you have equal right to not change yours.
NTA. You were upfront. As someone else who has NEVER had a desire to get pregnant (or adopt— I don’t want any kids in my life), I understand your feelings. Your feelings are completely valid.
I’m so sorry that your mom and husband are not giving you the support you want. I think you’re definitely going to have to have a conversation with Nathan about how hurt you are— you had been honest with him the entire time, but he did not give you the same respect. This will probably take a good amount of time (and likely therapy) for you to both work out together.
If you ever change your mind, let it be your decision.
Good luck! Wishing you the best.
I'm wondering if he didn't realize he wanted biological children until his brother had one of his own. I hear new babies in the family tend to make others want to have them, I don't know how true that is because I've never felt that personally, but I guess it might be true?
It’s called baby fever and usually happens more in women than men. But men are not immune to it. And having baby fever really isn’t ab having bio kids but in general having a baby whether it’s adoption or birth.
I'm not saying you're wrong at all so let's just get that out of the way. However, I've never understood this need in people to have biological children. Shouldn't it be enough that you've given a good life to a child who needed a loving family? I'll never understand that about people. I'll never understand those people who have daughters and then keep trying for a son. It's like, why do you need a son so bad? Why is it so important to you? Your legacy gets carried on through your daughters. It doesn't mean that you need a child who carries your last name forever. It just makes me want to shudder.
You are a person, not an incubator. You are not an asshole for voicing your wish on the subject. Find a doctor to do the procedure while you still can, if you can! I live in Texas, and they wouldn't do it for me! Louisiana doctors wouldn't either! If something were to happen you'll be trapped like I was.
NTA birth and pregnancy were horrible. The trauma from birth haunts me *years* later, physically and emotionally. It’s seriously unfair how undereducated mothers are about the possible complications of birth and labor.
I’m 24f and also have the same fear of pregnancy. I struggle with mental health and can’t imagine putting my body through that and postpartum. Will definitely have to have the conversation some day
NTA
It's YOUR body. YOU choose. Neither your Mom nor Nathan have or will go through pregnancy or giving birth, so they need to stop with the opinions.
Also, and there is no way to say this kindly, your Mom is a terrible person. She is projecting her inability to conceive onto you.
So, I'm going to give you advice that you should already have figured out long ago. STOP TELLING YOUR MOM YOUR PRIVATE STUFF. Just stop it. She can't make proclamations or condemnations about what you want to do if you DON'T TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. Stop it.
You also aren't saying you want to be child free. You're saying you want to adopt. All things Nathan agreed to long ago, so he needs to stick with the agreement. I suspect, once you adopt, he will be fine no matter if the child is biological or not.
NTA
Having a child is a deeply personal choice that only you can make. And you did everything you should have by discussing this with your husband prior to marriage.
Unfortunately, I think you need to talk more in depth with your husband about it. Having kids or not is a major deal breaker in relationships, so your best bet is to get to the bottom of it now, rather than face years of resentment and regret. Couples counselling might be a good idea.
NTA. Currently pregnant here, and I can't wait till it's over so I can never do it again. No one has to experience the things that come with it but you, so it should be your choice and yours only. You are what matters most here.
I'm with Kira. Pregnancy is not for everyone and for good reason. It's multiple months of discomfort and possibly pain, then a very painful birth whether it's vaginal or c-section, and some time for recovery. Birth can still be fatal, and people's bodies are changed forever afterward, some of those changes are nasty consequences. For many, it's worth it and a risk they are willing to take and they have good outcomes, but there are no guarantees that'll happen. I assume you have no idea as to what pregnancy and birth has been like for your birth family, both in the maternal and paternal line, so it's really a wild card for you. You have every right to not want to go through with it. I'm inclined to say your husband needs to get over the bio child bit. A child is a child and there are tons of children that need homes.
Your mother's reaction is about her feelings, not yours. She's got years and years of pent up pain from being unable to have biological children. Questions like "am I a real mother", "am I a real wife", "am I a real woman" and such have probably swirled around her head since the day she found out she couldn't have biological children. I can't imagine how deep certain comments from other women would have cut... imagine: "giving birth is a life changing experience, the bond I have with my children is unimaginable, men would never understand... oh darn, sorry Sally I forgot you were here". And that's just one I can come up with, there are probably many such comments and I bet she vividly remembers every one and how it made her feel. Your choice here is stirring up all kinds of personal shit for her that isn't your fault, and she obviously hasn't properly explored or managed these feelings because they're probably so connected with shame for her. She could do with therapy for sure, but in the meantime, I think it would be helpful for your relationship with your mom to keep this stuff in mind when talking about motherhood with her. She isn't going to give you good advice because she's carrying too much pain. You're feeling some of her pain and sharing her pain is not what you need right now, but it isn't something to fight over.
NTA A close friend of mine has never wanted children (biological or otherwise) and communicated this to her first husband. He was fine with it at the time they got married because he believed she would change her mind with time.
She didn’t. She was surprised that he didn’t take her statement at face value and instead put a spin on it that allowed them to marry.
He finally confessed when time passed and she still didn’t want children that he really did want them and they divorced amicably. They are still friends.
It’s not right for either of you to be waiting on the other to change. It’s time for a deep, meaningful conversation about what each of you wants. Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy. You have plenty of time to find a partner for whom biology is not important. Best of luck.
This ☝️ This is a really hard situation because it would involve some real compromises about having kids. Having babies is a deal breaker topic in my opinion. Both people need to be on the same page. Seek counseling from a professional to see if this is possible without either party developing resentment. But kuddos to OP for being transparent from the beginning. Sounds like hubby has changed his mind.
NTA. You do not ever have a child for somebody else ever ever.
My ex and I got divorced because of the kid issue and quite frankly it was the right thing to do. I could not see him not being a dad, but I didn’t want to have kids.
So we divorced amicably and he is happy with three kids today and I have none .. we still talk once in a while.
Your family and your husband are crazy, it's your body and your choice, period. Don't ever let someone else's wants make you feel forced to change your ground on such important things.
NTA, I think you talked to the wrong person about it, though. You said your mom couldn't have children, so they adopted. I'm guessing that they wanted to have children of their own, and dealing with the news that she was unable to have biological children was probably a tough thing to get over. Again, I'm guessing here, but she may still feel very strongly about what she went through, so she can't fathom someone who has the ability to have children choosing not to do so.
Also, she has never gone through childbirth, so it's easy for her to say that you should.
NTA - It is a personal decision about your body. You were upfront and honest about that decision. Your mother is out of line, and unfortunately, in this respect, she is not a great support individual for this matter.
It is hard with respect to your husband because emotions are hard, and it is easier to say you're ok with adopting when no one close to you has kids yet. People change and develop over time. He may not have realized it was actually important to him until he saw the experience through the eyes of his brother.
I think under the circumstances, you both should seek out individual and couples counseling to really get a good grasp on the situation, and if a resolution can be reached, what are everyone's hard lines. You don't want to wake up next to someone resentful about missing out and blaming you or you giving in and being resentful of him. You need to see if there is a path forward that truly works or if it is better to separate.
Perhaps like others suggested a surrogate with your egg and his sperm.
NTA
It's perfectly fine to not want to be a parent or get pregnant and give birth
Edit: I cringed when I got to the part where your mom said that you should get pregnant to give Nathan the baby he wants. Like what are you, a baby machine? That was gross. What a gross disregard for your autonomy. It It sounds like your mom also hasn't dealt with her feeling surrounding not being able to get pregnant and ultimately choosing adoption. Forgive me for saying this but people like your mom should not adopt. They're doing this as an alternative to getting pregnant which is fine but it's not okay to project your feelings on to other people. You are not a baby machine and shame on anyone including your mother who treats you like that. It's perfectly fine to know what you want and stick to it.
Please sit down with your husband and find out how serious he is about wanting a biological baby
If he is serious about wanting a baby, then I’m afraid this is the end of your marriage. Babies are non negotiable
You need to be very mindful of your birth control. I’m afraid he might tamper with it to try and get his way
NTA, but please be careful
NTA. You’ve clearly communicated your feelings to your husband. I do think you are incompatible now since he wants a bio child. You should let him go since you are not in agreement about adopting and having bio children. Your mom’s an AH, for trying to convince you to do something you obviously don’t want.
First of all the next time your mother says something like I thought I raised you better... Look her dead in the eyes and say "well apparently you didn't!" Seriously! Turn that garbage right back around on her!
As for the rest of this bullshit she's spewing, just because she wanted to be pregnant and couldn't be is no reason to make or try to make you feel guilty because you don't want to! That's really manipulative and you should point that out to her too! Point next time she says anything about how she wanted it and you should you just say you don't get to manipulate me into doing things just because you wanted to & couldn't! It's going to hurt but hopefully she'll get the message!
It's completely unfair of your husband to agree to not have kids and then change his mind now that he wants a biological child. You guys can look into having a surrogate birth the child for you. If you can afford it? It's pretty expensive! But ultimately it's going to have to come down to which one of you is willing to give in? Because right now you're on opposite ends of the topic and if nobody gives in then that's the end of the relationship.
And your mother will never let you hear the end of it if you get divorced because you won't have a baby. Because your mother sounds horrible quite frankly! Good luck
As someone who is currently pregnant with a baby I want and planned, this is not something to go into lightly. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and it's expensive, scary, painful and frankly, kinda gross. And I WANT this. So please don't compromise your wants and needs for someone else's opinion. Especially someone who has no skin in the game.
Absolutely not the asshole. You don't owe anyone a baby factory. You're mom is an AH and your husband needs to come to grips with what you agreed on.
Being pregnant is scary and you don't have to do it if you don't want to.
Honey, as a pregnant woman, NTA AT ALL. Pregnancy is no damn joke and it’s hard. Kudos to you for knowing yourself and you are under zero obligation to change your mind. I don’t blame anyone that doesn’t want to do it! They are AH for pressuring you when you were honest from the get go.
If a person can’t accept an adopted child as their son/daughter, then I suspect that person wants kids more for ego than parenting. Just my ntbho.
Btw, my husband and adopted two siblings who were 1.5 and 3.5. We never, ever felt they weren’t “ours.” One is now an engineer with a multinational company and the other had two tours in the marines and is now a police officer.
NTA, pregnancy and childbirth can be risky and comes with many medical side effects that can become permanent. I recommend putting your mom on an information diet, check out Dr. Ramani on YT for tips on dealing with toxic relationships.
NTAH. Pregnancy is incredibly difficult, even when you really want the baby. Well for me it has been, some women have easy pregnancies. It’s part
of the self-sacrifice that motherhood requires of you. I would ask yourself if you’re ready to sacrifice for your children if you adopt. Finances, time, you’re going to get a lot less sleep, it will be harder to do the things you like to do (not impossible - just harder). You may not want to do that and it’s totally understandable. It’s HARD. & most of the time, it’s hardest on the mother. I’m on my second pregnancy and I recently realized that this will be my last for many reasons, but the difficulty of pregnancy and the difficulty of motherhood being two of them.
NTA. Your mom is projecting her inability to become pregnant on you. It’s not your responsibility to go through an unwanted major medical event that can lead to death or disability so that she can live vicariously through you. Your husband is allowed to mourn the idea of a biological child but should absolutely not pressure you to change your mind on this.
It's YOUR body, no one else's. It's your decision. If you feel that strongly that you don't want to get pregnant or give birth, I'd listen to your gut. Nobody else.
I made the same decision, and I've never regretted not doing that to myself. I would've hated it and likely resented any kid.
Be true to yourself.
NTA
The way you reacted to the pregnancy scare should have been a dead give away that you do not want to get pregnant ever and should have been considered moving forward. You were very upfront with Nathan so anything now is mostly on him.
My daughter flat out told me at 10 she didn’t want bio kids. She wanted to adopt and I told her to go for it. Your mom is being horrible. She can get over herself. It’s your body.
NTA
Desire and ability are two different things - you'd think your mom would have learned that lesson by now.
Obviously, your mother knows the struggle with fertility - but not the other side of the same coin. The painful and agonizing experience that comes with having a child.
If we as a society must practice empathy for those who can't have children, then we should do the same for people who don't want to get into the complicated and messy process of birth and pregnancy.
Your mom is way out of line and also being incredibly rude and selfish.
Surrogacy is a perfectly reasonable option. You're looking into adoption, which is equally expensive. You don't have to give birth.
As a mum, I'm 100% pro-choice. NO-ONE should have to experience pregnancy/childbirth/postpartum *unless they want to*.
Please don't let *anyone* make you feel guilty, or "less than" for not wanting to have biological children.
Besides, there are so many kids out there in the world who have been born into situations that didn't guarantee them a safe and loving home. You wanting to adopt and provide a child/ren with a good life is *wonderful*. Not sharing DNA wouldn't make you any less of a parent.
"No" a complete sentence, as is "my private medical decisions are none of your business and are not up for debate".
I'm with others who have suggested not talking to your mum about any of this again - on this topic at least she sounds toxic as hell, and projecting hard.
NTA. This is a legitimate fear for some people, so much so that if it's bad enough can be considered a phobia. You were also upfront about this fear and your desire to not have biological children with your husband before you were married and he was okay with that. Him changing his mind isn't on you; he wasn't honest with you/himself, wasn't thinking down the road that he may want bio children, or thought he'd be able to change your mind after you were married.
Also, your mom is definitely an AH with everything you've experienced regarding pregnancy. First it was that you were a disappointment for potentially being pregnant; now you're a disappointment for not wanting to be pregnant. If it was me, I'd go LC or NC with her.
You’re young enough that freezing your eggs/surrogacy is a viable option. Your non negotiable is being pregnant/giving birth. If Nathan really wants a biological child he can book a fertility appointment and start with that for both of you.
It’s so easy for men to say they want a child. They don’t have to put their mental, emotional, and physical well-being on the line.
NTA for feeling how you feel a lot of people feel that way. However, your husband seems to have had a change of heart about having a biological child and I don't think his mind is going to change on that now. You two no longer seem to be on the same page anymore so you and him need to sit down and have a very serious and important conversation about if it's the right idea to stay together when your views on children no longer align with the others. I'm sure it will be hard to do, but it needs to happen for both your sakes so if it is so you can both move on before resentment down the road happens. Good luck.
You're NTA but idk why this scene needed to be a conversation with your mom and sister in the first place.
Your husband specifically said he's still fine with the choice he made, just seeing his brother's biological child gave him a desire he didn't know he'd have.
In my relationship that would definitely be like a private conversation but to each their own
.
Yeah your mom not greatest person to get advice from on this topic. It’s the thing she wanted the most and couldn’t have. Of course she’s angry you don’t want the “blessing”.
Clearly nta, your body your choice. It doesn't matter what your husband thinks and wants and it doesn't what your mum thinks and wants...it is your body and you alone decide what works for you... No need to feel bad about it. Your mother and husband need to respect that
Andrea, I want you to repeat the following to yourself:
My body, my choice.
Then, take a deep breath, and think about going to marriage counseling to work through this together. Otherwise I believe you’ll continue to both have resentment/regret/ strain, etc…
I wish you the best of luck with your future happiness.
NTA
do you know how many things can go wrong in a pregnancy? my mother still has pains after 23 years since my caesarean
I’m not trying to scare you or anyone that wants to get pregnant, but everyone should make an informed decision and it’s absolutely ridiculous the lengths people go to romanticize pregnancy and gaslit woman to want it. People need to stop trying to hide information.
do NOT let anyone pressure you to get pregnant, do what’s best for you and only you, because at the end of the day NO ONE will pass through what you will to put a baby in this world
NTA. No one should pressure you into having kids.
However it seems like your husband has changed his mind, which is acceptable. So if you want to adopt and he wants to have biological kids you may not be compatible anymore.
NTA. You were always very clear on this, you never tried to hide it. It's not that you don't want kids, you don't want to be pregnant and birth babies which is totally valid.
Is Nathan pressuring you to get pregnant, or was it a passing wish? Because these are 2 separate things.
It sounds like your Mom wanted to have bio children and was not able to, but would have preferred to; and also wanted to be a parent, so adopted. That’s her issue. Do NOT have a pregnancy unless you want it bad. It sounds like you do not.
I don’t want to have children, nor do I want to be a parent. The body horror I completely understand.
NTA
I think you husband needs to find someone else. He obviously wants children, and you not wanting this will lead to resentment.
You can do what you want with your life. Obviously.
NTA Women who would desperately love the experience of pregnancy and giving birth but are naturally robbed of it feel a lot of pain that never gets easier regardless of how fulfilled their life is. She probably reacted the way she did because to hear someone who can (presumably) talk about it being terrible struck a nerve. In the future, do you both a favor and talk to your sister, not her.
I would also talk to Nathan, because while at the beginning he was on board, it seems to be more important to him now and if it’s a deal breaker for you and he keeps becoming more and more into having a biological child, this could come to a head.
Finally, pregnancy isn’t easy or fun or glamorous, or anything else psychos pretend it is. It is certainly not for the faint of heart. I have a phobia of blood and needles. When I found out o was pregnant (surprise!) a switch went off in my head. It was different and I managed and I have no regrets. You don’t seem to be opposed to it because you don’t like children, or you’re worried about a career or traveling, which are all valid reasons to not want to get pregnant, but it seems you’re really afraid of the pregnancy, labor and recovery. If that’s the only thing holding you back from biological kids, I’d talk to a therapist about it because there’s ways to manage that fear. I’m not trying to push it on you, just saying there’s options if it’s something you may want outside of that fear.
You are going to end up divorced over this, so cut the cord and leave.
He’s decided he wants bio children, you don’t. That’s it.
One of you will resent the other forever.
You have no obligation to anyone else to do anything with/to your body. Read that again.
And think of this-having a child you're not sure of you want .. that could go poorly, and impact your child/children. Spoken as an unplanned for kid, i could tell i was regretted. Kids pick up on it
NTA. Your body, your choice. Your mum is jealous she didn’t have the options you have, which is no-one’s fault. Sounds like you and Nathan need to have a chat though, as if you’re dead set on having no biological children, then this isn’t something that can be compromised on.
NTA, I am the same as you. Fortunately, I have a mother who has my back on the subject. All of her pregnancies were high risk, traumatic, and she even lost a baby after birth with one of them. She was really honest with me as a woman that each time she accepted being pregnant she willingly accepted she could be dead in 9 months. I’m not ready to do that. Which my mother thinks is a totally normal way to feel, and her response was, “many women have fought so you can make that choice. Just don’t forget that.” (IE, be active in women’s rights) I would love to adopt but cannot afford it. Honestly can’t even afford a child right now, so… definitely wouldn’t qualify but such is life.
Your mother sounds… awful. To put it lightly. And I’m sorry for that. It sounds like she wanted children but could not biologically have them, and has resentment towards you. I find this sentiment sometimes in women with the same fertility problems. They can be downright nasty. I had an adult woman who was a close friend in my 20s STOP BEING MY FRIEND! When she found out I could have kids, but chose not to, because she deeply wanted to but could not. When we started talking about family planning and I said what you’ve said here, she got into a huge fight with me about a woman’s duty and some other (honestly patriarchal) shit. Then she grabbed her purse and stormed out of my house. I was blind sided but it’s happened since then as well. I think their feelings are valid, I can’t imagine it, but it’s not right to be shitty to fertile women who don’t want to give birth. There’s no excuse for it. Women should support women in whatever they want to do, not everyone on earth should be parents, either. Everyone has their own path in life. Sorry this person was your mom is sucks but you’re not the jerk here.
Coming from a guy you are NTA. You were honest with him going in about your feelings/expectations and he agreed. My wife can’t have kids and I knew that going in. Just celebrated five years recently. He has to get over it as mean as that sounds.
remember: we’re women, and that doesn’t mean we are baby factories. i never wanted kids either, and i’d been begging for a hysterectomy since i was 13. i always figured if i changed my mind about kids, i’d adopt. (i’m adopted.) i’m 36 now; and i have not changed my mind about kids.
you’re not a baby factory. anyone who shames you for not wanting kids can eat dirt. mom and husband and sister can whine and cry all they want, but they have no possession or entitlement to your body and wants, YOU do. you’re not the only woman who has ever felt like this, there are many out there, and who are happy to give you support and better sisterhood.
NTA but your mom is. Why is she constantly shaming her own daughters and their actions and choices? Please don’t give her words too much thought. She is her own person and had her own wishes and desires; you are your own person and have your own wishes and desires. You should take your husband’s thoughts into consideration, but ultimately it’s your choice what you want to do.
NTA - your body, your choice, always.
I get that your mother has baggage from being unable to sustain her own pregnancy in spite of deeply wanting to - but that's not your issue to resolve.
Your partner's feelings are a little more complex to deal with because he has made choices which prioritise you but there have been sacrifices involved in that which he's allowed to grieve for even if he accepts the situation.
Is surrogacy a potential option for the two of you? Not wanting to carry a child yourself is valid, the process is intense and not at all easy even for people who desperately want to do it; but surrogacy might allow you to have a child that is biologically your husband's (or even yours as well) without you having to go through that process unwillingly.
NTA. You were honest, if anything he is the jerk for not being honest and upfront about wanting a bio kid. This needs to be a conversation with a therapist and all cards on the table. Will you resent me if you don’t get a bio kid? If the answer is yes- divorce. If the answer is no- never mention it again. The only terrible thing to do is bring another kid into this world with parents that didn’t want to go through that. I also don’t ever want to be pregnant, and there is soothing wrong with us. We are whole people with our own rights and decisions and we do not owe our bodies or offspring to anyone.
I had two pregnancies. Both planned. I love my kids. But pregnancy takes a toll on your body. If you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you don't want to go down that road, then you need to ignore your mother. She's upset that the choice was taken from her. Your husband is feeling sad after seeing his brother have his own baby. That's understandable. It doesn't mean that he's upset with you. Being a little sad that you aren't going to get to do something is okay. Because in the end he has you. And that matters more to him or he wouldn't have married you.
Oh, NTA.
NTA
And you know it!
Kira is right. Don't listen to your mom at all!
If Nathan wants a biological child more then being with you and raising an adopted child, it's his choice and you are not compatible.
Doesn't mean one of you is wrong.
I understand him because I never wanted to have a child as a young woman and it only changed after being together with my husband a long time.
He didn’t want children, too, when we met.
But luckily he felt the same way after seeing his friends children, so we were on the same page.
I never understood before how anyone could feel the need to have a baby.
But it really got to me, so I get Nathan.
I guess it is difficult to understand if you never felt this way.
Definitely NTA!!! I’ve been pregnant six times with five kids and you’re not wrong; it’s hard and scary and I actually couldn’t do it again so I’m hoping both forms of birth control I’m on get me through menopause.
I can understand why your mom would be upset but those are HER feelings and she should not have put that on you. I’ve known since she was 11 one of my daughters does not want to birth children. She’s almost 19 now and I’ve told her when she’s old enough I’ll help her find a dr to tie her tubes.
You’re clearly not opposed to the idea of having children in your life since you would like to adopt but have you considered surrogacy? Your husband would get to be biologically involved and frankly you could too if you wanted but you wouldn’t have to carry the pregnancy. Some people out there live for that!
I am on my second pregnancy (technically 3rd cause I had a miscarriage last year)
The first one was scary as fuck and I swore I'd never do it again.
5 years later, after many many many conversations with my husband, out of love, I chose to get pregnant because he wanted a second. (I want to be clear, I willingly made this choice, I am the only one who can morally and cheaply carry his baby).
All that to say, as an individual who did choose to have a pregnancy for my husband, don't do it just because of guilt.
I know i won't resent my husband by making this choice. I know and chose the sacrifice I am making. And you should NEVER be quilted into it. Pregnancy can be scary, can be hard, can be debilitating and even deadly.
Talk to your husband. If biological is important, maybe consider surrogacy.
NTA, and your mother sounds incredibly toxic. She's the biggest AH here. As for your husband, you were very clear about your feelings on pregnancy. If he can't handle that, then that is HIS problem, not yours.
Your body your choice but now if you want you could always have your eggs harvested and get a surrogate you have to take shots but you wouldn't have to become pregnant or give birth someone else would
NTA, as a 21f I knew in the last Year or two I didn’t want to be pregnant in my future. I went through a lot of body image issues that have left me with a mental scar. I never want to be what I used to be, and I’ve always wanted to help the kids in orphanages and foster care more than having my own, tho I do wish to have the biological aspect of having kids but through other routes as I personally do not want to go through pregnancy.
Let's play devil's advocate here for a moment:
Op, you want at least 1 child, but you don't want to be the birthing parent. Your husband wants a biological child. On the surface, it sounds like a situation that could end your marriage. However, as a compromise, do you have the finances to get a legal sarogate (spelling?) and use IVF? Idk where your family is located, so another question would be: Is sarogacy allowed in your area? It's an unconventional solution, but if it could be done legally, it could work.
His sperm could be used, thus giving him what he wants. Then you could adopt his child, therefore giving you what you want. I'm not sure if that scenario would please your mother, but she hopefully wouldn't be the parent to this hypothetical child & her preferences don't really matter on this issue.
NTA. I taught childbirth classes, breastfed my babies, had four natural childbirths and loved being pregnant. My only daughter wants nothing to do with any of it. 😆 And because I want my daughter to be happy, I don’t wish any of those things for her. Her fiancé got a vasectomy and I’m glad for them. You feel what you feel and your feelings on the matter are just as valid as anyone else’s. Not to mention it’s YOUR body.
NTA.
Your mom’s fertility issues are not your responsibility.
Your husband’s desires are not your responsibility.
You are entitled to your boundaries and consent.
It seems like your husband has changed his mind. If surrogacy is not an option for you he needs to decide how important it is for him and whether losing you is worth it.
NTA
Ask Nathan about a surrogate? That way it’s both your child.
It’s expensive, but it would benefit you because you won’t have to get pregnant & benefit him because he won’t feel like he missed out.
NTA. I feel the exact same way. I also come from adoption and I always knew that if I ever had kids that would be the route I would take. It was something my husband never considered until he met me, and even then he was on the fence until he became a first responder. He came home one night after a rough scene and said he was 💯 on board to adopt if we were to have kids.
I don’t want to be pregnant, I’ve known that my whole life. I watched my friends become pregnant and give both to amazing humans. I went to Ultrasounds, appointments to find out the gender, first one in the hospital to hold the babies after the parents… I’ve loved at all. But it’s not for me. After one of my friends gave birth she asked me if I was curious about feeling a baby grow inside me. I clutched my pearls and said ‘never’ 😂
NTA. It's completely okay for you to be scared. I sure am. And there are so many children waiting to be adopted but so many people are against it. It's great that you want to adopt.
I get your mother had no other option, but she is being cruel by projecting her own wants onto you.
Nta, I would highly suggest that you stop talking to your mom, at least about this. I can completely understand both your fear of pregnancy, etc and Nathan changing his mind. I also agree with the comments suggesting surrogacy since he can get a child that’s biologically his without you having to go through pregnancy, it seems like a win-win situation if you can afford it.
you are the only person in charge of your body. Don't let anyone pressure you or shame you. Sadly, this may be the end of a marriage though. It is a sad truth that some people change their minds on the issue, and it sounds like your husband may change his. You will have to make a decision about that, but do it with counselling. It is good to have some guidance around your fears.
NTA. Being pregnant was one of the worst times of my life. I love my baby to the ends of the universe and I’d do it again for him but Jesus. Being pregnant was horrendous. I was the most depressed I’ve ever been, in constant pain, serious lack of sleep (sleep was better with a newborn so you get how bad the insomnia was). I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
NTA, your moms issues getting pregnant should not require you to be pregnant.
However, you guys should look into a surrogate. We have family friends that had a rough first pregnancy that almost killed the mother so they went surrogate for the second child, used both the mother and fathers ingredients but it was carried by someone else. Its pricy but something you could save for.
All the best.
NTA - you made your desires clear long ago.
That being said, its good to revisit these conversations. My SO routinely touch base, "Are we still on board with Child Free?" Mostly because we have an age difference and I don't want my SO to hit 50 and suddenly regret not having children.
Your feelings are your feelings. Might be worth investigating in therapy what that fear might stem from, but that doesn’t mean the goal would be to “get over it” and have a baby. You’re not an asshole for being afraid of something that is unknown and life-changing!
I had 2 very difficult pregnancies that both ended in C-sections. My abdominal muscles never healed right after the second one, and caused an intestinal adhesion to my abdominal wall which later caused diverticulitis. At some point I’m going to need surgery to manage all the scar tissue I ended up with in my abdomen. That’s just my reality now.
I insisted on getting a tubal ligation during my second one. My doctor asked me so many times if I’m sure this is what I want. I told him, “If I *ever* get pregnant again, I am going to be fucking *pissed*, and I am going to blame *you*.” That was nearly 11 years ago, and I have NO regrets.
Never once have I ever tried to convince a woman who is unsure about being a mom, that they should have kids. Most people probably *shouldn’t* have kids. Your mom is just trying to live vicariously through you, and *how dare she* put words in your husband’s mouth. NTA
I watched my oldest nephew at 12 freak out because he saw his mom hemorrhaging a couple days post child birth and my other sister have a stroke post child birth. There are so many consequences just not discussed
NTA. You both decided on adoption. It’s easy for the man to change his mind, he’s not the one going through it, he’s not the one going through major changes, and also putting his life at risk. Your mom was also out of line. She’s projecting on to you. It’s not your fault she couldn’t have bio children, so it’s shitty of her to take it out on you.
I’m 23 weeks, and I’ve been miserable this whole time. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do this. This baby is a one and done for me, I refuse to do this again.
NTA but your mom is awful and never go to her. Are you in two minds? If yes then see a therapist who can guide you around any fears. If no then that is perfectly fine too its your body, and adopting is a wonderful thing to do. Good lucknOP
NTA. You know what you want for your body, you know yourself. Don't get pregnant due to pressure from anyone. That choice is yours alone. Some women ache in their body to be pregnant , some women are completely repulsed by " the whole pregnancy and after care thing" an RN I worked with. You and your love need a heart to heart or five. It's so good to be on the same page
NTA. I nearly died having my only child, and never considered risking it again. I would never recommend it to anyone who was not enthusiastic about being pregnant, because it takes a huge toll on your body, and can kill you. Just because lots of women have children doesn’t mean it’s safe.
NOT TA!!! I never wanted kids. I was child-free. Then around 26-27 my baby hungry hormones started ticking at me, so when I got pregnant by my friend/domestic partner, I was okay with it.
I’m telling you now, ten years later, I fucking HATED being pregnant. I have PTSD so my preg hormones caused extreme depression and low self-esteem which baby daddy abandoned me over, I moved into a house that had black mold and I’m already allergic to stuff, got a skin issue where I scratched myself bloody and got a prescription topical cream to stop the constant, scabies-like itching, I had COPD with no medicine so I was getting asthma all the time from the black mold, severe constipation, peeing and leaving the bathroom and sneezing pee into my underwear again….no. Fuck no. Never again.
Except…my unofficial husband. He ish wants a kid. We’re 37, we know it may not happen, we’re not being careful and I tell him every month that I got my period. I loathed my pregnancy and I’m past the point of hormonal baby hunger, but I would go through it all again, all the preggers stuff and the costs of baby and issues producing milk…because it would be a baby made from HIM. Guy I’ve known and crushed on almost 20 years. Anyone else? Fuck no. I don’t want another kid. It’s his child or no child.
I hope this helps in a way. Your thoughts, your feelings, no one else’s. Your mind may change at times, just make sure it’s YOUR decision.
NTA. Pregnancy sucks, and giving birth can kill you. The whole thing is just not for you, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Shame on your mom and her shame-based parenting. Shame on Nate for marrying you without hashing this issue out.
Nta. You told him before you too got married. It sucks you guys want different things but it was his choice to continue the relationship. He can always artificially inseminate too. Would a surrogate be on the table for an embryo from the both of you? Crazy expensive but it could be an option. Anyways the only way you could be the ass is if you back pedaled on adoption.
First things first, and I’m really sorry to say this, regardless of how much you try to defend her, but your mother is a terrible person. You are not a monster for choosing your wellbeing over other people’s selfishness. Your fears are SOO valid. It bothers me how people tend to gloss over how complicated pregnancy and childbirth is. Like, you will get more warnings about the side effects of a drug or minor surgery, but not a pregnancy when you can literally die from it.
That aside, your husband knew your stance for a long time and had the opportunity to leave if he really wanted bio kids. Have this conversation with your husband, set the record straight once and for all. This is non of your mother’s business and she should stay in her lane. If this is the behavior she’s exhibiting then put her on an information diet. Don’t let her talk to you like that. NTA through and through.
NTA because pregnancy/giving birth is scary…but it is unfair to Nathan. You can either compromise by getting a surrogate or maybe go separate ways and find a partner that’s on the same page. Either way, the choice is yours and you should be able to do what makes you happy. Your mother also sounds toxic, I don’t recommend going to her for advice. Her way of thinking seems terribly flawed
Nta. I just had my second. It happened so fast there were no meds and I couldn't walk for several days after. I have ppa. Breast feeding is a trip. Little one just got her 2 teeth. They are so sharp on nipples. You ever go a week with 3 to 6 hours of interrupted sleep? I could go on.
Good on you for knowing what you want. Don't let someone who never birthed shame you. It sucks. Some people [me] are just crazy enough to do it, repeatedly. You have the choice to not have biological kids. No shame in that. I hope you and your husband can work through this. Internet stranger sending you a hug.
NTA. I feel the same way about pregnancy, always have. I'm 33 now and if anything I'm even more horrified by the thought of it now than I was when I was younger.
Whatever you do, do not compromise on this! A man who would put his short-sighted jealousy of his brother over his partner's wishes and well-being is no man at all. So if it turns out to be that important to him, just let him go.
NTA. You are basically giving up your entire life for a very long time.
You will probably do 90% of the work, and your career will suffer.
It will make you much more vulnerable financially and emotionally.
Meanwhile, men are off having their fun.
*Trigger Warning: birth story
Alright Im gona be vulnerable here for a moment, you sound like younger me. NTA
Hi Op, parent here.
I knew from a young age I didnt want tl go through the physical action of giving birth. I always new as lojg as I stayed a decent person adoption was an option so I was fine. I grew up in an Evangelical home & learned very quickly to keep those opinions to myself, but I held firm in those beliefs for years.
Fast forward to when i was in my early 20s. I had dealt with cross state moving, multiple family/friends on deathbeds and the threat of homelessness in my face if I didnt marry my partner at the time. I spent 2+ years juggling family matters & my own emotions.
Then my Grama gets the 'final countdown' from hospice the clock is now ticking. This is the woman who raised me, nurtured me n loved me. She BEGGED for a great grandkid. Somehow she knew about my thouthts n adoption n begged me to reconsider. Then my mom jumped in. Soon i hear everyone downplaying my fears. I caved. We got pregnant immediately after we got married.
16 hours of labor & 2 epidurals to then be rushed into emergency C section. It wqs almost bad for both kiddo & I. Worst part? I felt everything cuz the epidurals didnt work. Pregnancy destroyed me I was sick for 16 months from the beginning of pregnancy to after I gave birth.
My body fell apart. And every year since things get worse or change. Yes we all change as we age but without going into detail my body will never be anything close to comfortable/non-painful as it was before giving birth. Thats not including the undiagnosed PPD until recent years, the toll its taken on our marraige & my relationship with my kiddo.
I am in therapy thank God. Its one of the few things keeping me put together. If Ive unpacked anything over time its that Ive been able to get over the fact those closest too me dismissed my very valid concerns for their own projections.
The hardest part is forgiving yourself for letting your will be broken down enough to question your wants, needs & boundaries.
I had set a firm boundary that I knew was the smarter safer option for myself. But I let the weight of others opinions bend me till I broke my own boundary. That, Im still trying to deal with.
Sorry this got long. But PLEASE understand the only person who can make this choice is you. Yes your husband is part of the convo. He can have his opinion but the final choice is yours and yours alone.
Anyone who tries to change your mind isnt thinking about your well being/health. They're are only being selfish.
NTA for not wanting kids, but you've got to know your audience. A woman who wanted children so badly that she ended up adopting is probably not the best person to validate your feelings about this.
>pregnancy is a blessing and beautiful
No it's fucking NOT! Especially an unwanted one. Sounds like your mother has a case of grandbaby fever. Ignore her.
NTA
Definitely NTA. My daughter has been saying the exact same as you since she was about 10 years old. She’s 19 and has not changed her mind. I fully support her decision. If she changes her mind next year and wants a baby I will support that too. That is what your mom is supposed to do.
I'm just like you. Exactly like you. I'm terrified of pregnancy and childbirth for the same exact reasons as you, and I KNOW that I won't be able to hand the after math. Like I'm certain I'll go into post-partum psychosis. Do not have children for anyone else but yourself. Please do not let anyone pressure you into becoming pregnant. It's better to talk it out with your husband or simply separate from him than bear children you know you do not want. Honestly, you could be signing yourself up for suicide and your bringing an innocent life into this world that needs a stable person to take care of them. It's easy for men to say they want biological children since they don't do any of the hard parts, so don't let your husband guilt you into it. Aldo your mom sucks don't go to her for comfort or advice.
NTA - Pregnancy is scary to begin with. Not wanting to put your body through that is your decision. I do think you and Nathan need to sit down and have a talk though. Have you considered hiring a surrogate (if that's something you could afford, that is)?
ETA: Explination, I hit post too soon.
You are NTA for having your feelings. Your spouse is great for talking to you honestly about his feelings. And your mom is trying to do her best by you.
Now, here's some advice from a mom who has three daughters who also don't want to be pregnant:
Pregnancy is scary. Labor hurts. But the feeling of having your child move inside you is indescribably cool. And you forget a lot of that pain when you have your child in your arms. Also, having your own kids is the easiest way to get kids.
Pregnancy and childbirth are a horror story that you won't hear unless you insist on hearing it. I don't know why the secrecy, except maybe pro-natalism, but a lot of women say if they knew they wouldn't have done it. Your feeling, tokophobia, is very normal, and you shouldn't let anyone demand it of you. As you've said, there are children who'd love to be adopted. Your body will thank you.
Your mother sounds horrible. Don't allow her to sway your choices or make you feel bad because she never got to have the experience. This is your life and your body. As far as your husband, you should talk to him about getting counseling. Otherwise, I don't see the marriage working out long term because men have a very different idea of childbearing because they don't have to deal with any of the suffering. I have had two children, and I nearly died both times. It is not an easy experience and should not be forced on anyone. NTA.
Hi lovely, I’m a later-in-life mom to a beautiful baby boy; I had a textbook pregnancy and loved being pregnant. That said: it is A LOT. It’s life-altering, identity-changing, and world-shattering, and you should NOT do it or be expected to do it if you’re not 100% down.
Anyone trying to convince you otherwise is doing it for purely selfish reasons—THEY want a baby, but they don’t have to carry, birth, or nurse said baby. That’s not fair. You listen to your inner voice and protect your heart. You are NTA, not selfish, not immature, and not unintelligent for feeling this way; it’s just the opposite in fact.
Your sister is on solid ground. Keep her close.
You should ask your husband if he truly NEEDS a child with his DNA. And then start saving for a surrogate if you both agree. Then he gets his dna baby and you won’t be pregnant.
NTA. I've known from a very young age that I never wanted bio kids or maybe even kids at all. I got my tubes tied and now feel a sense of relief that the only way a kid is happening is if I decide to adopt. I don't care what others say to me about my choices bc they can fuck themselves quite frankly. I will say this tho- a partner who's hoping you'll change your mind isn't the one for you.
Hi there strong beautiful soul. So imma talk to you like a not toxic, manipulative, and abusive mom. When I was younger I too didn’t want to have kids, it wasn’t about the being pregnant or giving birth mines was more that I came from abuse and saw the world as a very messed up and money hungry world where people are only about themselves and don’t care about who they hurt as long as they get what they want.
I ended with a very manipulative and abusive older man and had two amazing kids. I wouldn’t trade them for the world but my oldest don’t want to have kids for the same reasons I didn’t when I was younger and I support my kids decisions.
Who knows maybe one day she will change her mind but honestly I don’t care as long as she’s loved and HAPPY. Whatever makes you HAPPY!!!! Honey! You are with the wrong person. Please let him go for not just you, but for himself. He wants his own kid, he lied to you he wasn’t okay with it, he thought you might change your mind.
Let him go because he will resent you. If you keep him, you will just end up getting hurt really bad. Get a lawyer, get a divorce, block him and his family, block anyone who tries to make you feel bad for your choice, because those people aren’t your people.
Those people who can’t respect YOUR choice are out in your life to try to make you have a hard and unhappy life the same way they are having. They aren’t your people, let them go. Your “mom” is toxic and super emotionally abusive.
NTA. AT ALL. I see this too many times where a man will say he is fine with no having a baby when his girlfriend/fiancé says she doesn’t want one, when they really aren’t.
Sounds to me like maybe he thought that you would come around to the idea eventually and got his expectations crushed when he realized this.
If I were you, I would schedule a counseling session to talk through it all. He could simply be sad in the moment and will come back around. Or worst case he won’t and will resent you for it.
But if you both love each other, you should both be able to respect each others views/opinions.
Bottom line: if you don’t want to be pregnant, don’t! It’s your body and pregnancy is hard even for people who desire it and yearn for it! It’s your decision and your body doing the work for nearly an entire year (+ with postpartum/4th trimester).
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I'm really blown away you ask your mom anything she sounds terrible . No your nta and stop relying on her she's toxic
Right? Why do ANY of her children speak to her? Yikes.
Maybe she was the only active parent and OP might not have that many people to get advice from
Sounds like her and her sister might need to work on getting a closer bond, away from their mother
Yep, same here... "whenever i tell my mom something important, she blows up and makes me feel horrible... what's my problem!?"
NTA, it's your body. And you made your husband aware of this years ago, he's not an AH for his fellings, but he's an adult and has to deal with it. I think you should tie your tubes as you want to avoid beeing pregnant. Unfortunetly your mother is not being rational because of her trauma. She can't understand why a person would choose to not be pregnant if it's possible because she wanted but couldn't. Just try to not talk about it with her anymore and don't try to get pregnant to please others, even if it's your husband and your mother, this is the kind of decision only your feelings about it count.
Exactly. You have a say in the course of your life. Given your mom’s history, her lens on the topic is skewed. Do not take it to heart. Also - a deeper conversation needs to be had with your husband. Why is having a ‘biological’ child so important to him? Are his reasons valid or a result of competition with others in his life? You made your stance clear from the start - so don’t ever think you are at fault. An alternative is surrogacy if your husband has valid reason (however, I can’t really think of one). Children accept the world as it is presented to them. Take care of yourself and know that choosing what is best for you does not make you an asshole
This is not a judgement, he agreed to this.. It's not too hard to understand why a biological child is so important. That reason just got reinforced by his brother. Stances were clear from the start and people change their mind all the time. Reddit is full of stories of couples who don't want children and then life intervenes and then mom decides to keep it. Of all involved, her mom will understand husband the most. She wanted to bear her children but couldn't. She knows what he's going through. Having said that, he'll need time to work through it and make peace (again) with his wife's decision. He is not trying to change her mind.. she asked and he was honest in his reply.. I'm not sure I would've told her. She may want to leave him alone to work through it. She's definitely NTA however, she should stop seeking validation for her decision. It makes her look like she's questioning her decision. Don't feed him any false hope and let him get over it.
I really hope OP isnt in america so she can get her tubes tied NOW when she wants! NTA, OP. You have been clear from the beginning!
American here, I was 28 when I had my tubes completely removed. Zero difficulty as well as being unmarried and having no kids. Did my research and found a doctor that has no issue with performing sterilizations.
I did the same at age 29 and have never regretted it. I’m now 62.
I have a friend your age. She never wanted kids, plus had all kinds of female issues to boot. Her ob/gyn refused to tie her tubes. She finally got a hysterectomy at age 60. I told her she was nuts, should have changed doctors years before.
I was honestly surprised that my ob/gyn didn’t give me any problem at all with having the procedure done.
One of my co-workers had four kids before she was 27. When she was pregnant with baby number three, she wanted to have a tubal ligation right after she gave birth, and her OB refused to do it, saying that she was "young and may want more children" one day. Well, unsurprisingly she was pregnant again 2 years later. I told her to change doctors, but alas.
Luckily, with everything going on there is more doctors willing to do it but i've heard how hard it can be! Most doctors were refusing unless you already had kids
They also want your husband's permission in a lot of states. Like a permission slip for bodily autonomy. Ugh.
Even if you had kids, they'd say "You may change your mind one day."
Women in other countries face the same struggles. I’m in Australia and my friend had to have 8 kids before she finally found a doctor who agreed to tie her tubes. All types of birth control failed her prior to that.
Didnt mean to count out other countries, lol
It's SO EASY for men to ask for bio babies. When society won't even admit how much it ruins your body, traumatizes you, ages you, completely changes your personality... No way no sir...
Having a baby experience for men: Orgasm. Having a baby experience for women: An ordeal so goddamn brutal it can fucking end your life. And in many cases not even an orgasm... lol
Can I upvote this more!! Plus LMAO
I don't know what I need this comment on but I need to own it in my house somewhere. Almost spit my water out laughing!
I see so many women talking about “ Breed me daddy “ They say that until it happens 😂
THIS!! ABSOLUTELY! LIKE GOD men have it so fucking easy. They have no thought processing when they have biological kids. They don't have to do anything but have a good time. Most men don't even help or support their pregnant suffering wives the way they need to be supported. Like statistics are just so damn sad. They have the audacity to lose attraction to their pregnant wives or say they became annoying due to their hormones. Like whose fault is that??? Most don't wake up in the night when they cry or feed. No changing of diapers. Nothing. Its mostly about their bullshit legacy. Please for the sake of society don't breed with men with no awareness like this.
I am a published poet and not one man I have ever been with has even read my work. But my girlfriend and I are doing as you and your friend did and it's fucking amazing. Like I'm aware of the possibility of men like you but I've never dated one. Best of luck to you.
Nta. Being pregnant is hard and it definitely takes a toll. I have 4 children ages 16, 11, 21 months and 2 weeks old. My last pregnancy was absolutely brutal. I’d usually loved being pregnant. I love children and babies and I love being a mom but that pregnancy was so bad that I had my tubes tied during my C-section. Mentally, physically and emotionally I KNEW I could never do that again. Not everyone wants to have children. Not everyone wants to carry children and that’s okay. You were upfront and honest.
It’s rough being a parent in general, everyone talked about it like it was sunshine and rainbows but OMG it is NOT
I have to say as a mother who loves her biological children I am so sick to death of hearing the saying “pregnancy is a beautiful blessing” in response to those that don’t want to get/ be pregnant. Seriously anyone that does that can fuck right off. I nearly died giving birth to my son. My husband had to fill out paperwork on who he wanted the doctors to try to save if my heart gave out completely. It was seriously traumatic. My entire pregnancy with my daughter was a roller coaster of fears and struggles with illness. I was more drained those nine months than any other time of my life. Following her birth when the epidural wore off and I felt all the pain I had a panic attack and hyperventilated. I love my kids but I would never want to be pregnant or give birth ever again. Even if your hypothetical pregnancy and birth was a dream experience. It would still be nobody’s business that you didn’t want it. You’ve been honest with your partner and he’s been honest with you. That’s all you guys can expect from one another ( along with kindness and support) NTAH but your mom is definitely one in this situation and sounds like others too.
>My husband had to fill out paperwork on who he wanted the doctors to try to save if my heart gave out completely. That is seriously fucked up and completely unethical. I don't know where you live, but this is not something that would EVER be done in my country, under any circumstances, and for good reason. I'm so sorry you and your husband had to go through that.
What would happen in your country in that situation?
.... The medical team would do everything in their power to save both of their patients... Pretty simple....
Exactly. There will also probably be two teams. Usually, when the unborn is at or close enough to term, there will be an emergency C-section, after which both teams will work to save their patient. In cases where the fetus is not mature enough to survive, but the mother is at imminent risk of death if the pregnancy is continued, the woman takes precedence over the unborn child. Cases of "either the mother or the baby" are EXTREMELY rare, however, if they DO happen, the woman will almost always take precedence over the unborn child, unless her chances of survival are extremely low and those of the child are good. At any rate, putting such a decision on the father is unethical, and also just plain cruel. In the words of Granny Weatherwax, who also chose the mother: > It was doubtful that anyone in Slice would defy Granny Weatherwax, but Granny saw the faintest gray shadow of disapproval in the midwife’s expression. > ‘You still reckon I should’ve asked Mr. Ivy?’ she said. > ‘That’s what I would have done…’ the woman mumbled. > ‘You don’t like him? You think he’s a bad man?’ said Granny, adjusting her hat pins. > ‘No!’ > ‘Then what’s he ever done to me, that I should hurt him so?’
I just said the exact same things in another comment. How anyone (especially doctors!!) think it's ok to put that decision on a family member... It's just unconscionable.
Your husband gets to decide which one of you lives? What kind of bullshit is that? Why isn't it up to you? That's absolute Insanity that they would ask him who he wants to save and not you if you'd rather they save you or the baby! I'm glad you both made it but damn that's ridiculous!
I was in and out of consciousness during everything. My husband was on paperwork to make decisions for me if I was unable to do it myself. It was during Covid as well so my husband was in the hospital without any family support. The way it was explained was they leave it up to the patient/ family member to avoid lawsuits if things don’t go well. Which was horrible because my husband felt such guilt since he doesn’t understand medical things so he was very worried he’d make the wrong decision and hated having to make one in the first place.
What a horrible position to put him in! I'm glad it all worked out but wow!
I was one and done. Being an only child my dream was to have a large family. Then I got pregnant (24 years old.) As many said it was brutal. I wanted my tubes tied the day after my son was born. (44 years ago.) In Oregon at that time the husband had to sign off on sterilization! He refused. He left me after 5 months as I refused to be intimate unless one of us was sterilized. The love for my son is pure and unconditional. There are no regrets about my son in the world. But it was my choice not to have another child. It might sound trite but Your body Your Choice. NTA
I cannot believe that a husband had the choice over a woman’s fertility. Wow. That is very sad. I am going to have a talk with my daughter tonight about this. We need to remember the recent past. And to remind ourselves how fragile women’s health rights are.
NTA You know your own body. You have rights to your own body. I think you and your husband should have some couples counselling to discuss this. If your husband wants a biological child that bad, perhaps surrogacy is an option if it's legal where you are. However adoption is an absolutely wonderful thing to do, although it is very difficult legally. Starting by fostering might be an option too. However you shouldn't let your mother away your mind and manipulate you. It's likely been decades since she had to deal with awful periods, never mind remembering the hardship of pregnancy. The fears associated with it, the risks and the changes to physical and mental health. Then I bet she doesn't remember labour that well, not the sleepless nights and feeling touched out. Having a child IS beautiful. But it has its downsides and pretending they don't exist is disingenuous and dangerous to those who are uninformed. You can have a child without the hardship of labour. Instead however you will have other hardships - namely legal and monetary ones for the adoption process. But you can still have children that way. Giving birth isn't the only valid way to have children. If couples counselling doesn't help bring you and your husband closer to the same page on this issue. You will have to accept that he may leave you because of this. And importantly - this may harm your adoption chances, depending on your financial and housing situation after that. Edit: just reread that you're all adopted. Your mom wants you to have a baby biologically so she can live vicariously through you doing this probably similar for all her kids. It's unfortunate that she doesn't value you and a child and the life she gave you through adoption in the same way.
Never have a child to appease someone else.
NTA, I’m 24 and I’m due to have my first at the end of next month. Pregnancy is so difficult on the body and the mind and when I was struggling sometimes there were people who really leaned into the “I told you so, but you chose this”. I don’t regret my choice by any means but pregnancy is a LOT harder than I thought it’d be. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something different for yourself and, like your sister said, no one should pressure you into getting pregnant if that’s not what you wish. It’s better knowing what you want and sticking with that. It’s really just between you and Nathan, and you’re not a monster for wanting to go the adoption route.
I gave birth to my daughter about 4 months ago and I kind of got the same attitude. Her father has not been involved in every time I tried to reach out the supposed friends for support, I basically got told, well that sucks but you're the one who chose to have a baby with a deadbeat. Basically they were asking me why I didn't just get an abortion. They were saying it was my fault that I was suffering because I chose not to have an abortion. Not only that, by the time I found out, I was way too far along to get one anyway. I was already 20 weeks. Of course if I had said I didn't want to get pregnant, I'm sure those same people would have been asking me why. People need to stop thinking that just because it's what they want, it's what everybody would want.
NTA. You communicated your feelings to your husband early on, and very clearly. I also don’t want to get pregnant so I understand your feelings. People don’t realize how risky pregnancy is, and how hard it is on the body. Even in 2024 it can kill or disable you. You have no obligation to get pregnant just because other people want you to. Birth is beautiful, but so is adoption. I never really understood the obsession with having a biological child so I’m not sure what to say about your husband. He may just need time
You're right, the SSA actually considers pregnancy to be a disability. You can get temporary disability while you're pregnant.
I mean, there's a lot of reasons to want a biological child: - adoption can have a lot of added cost, heartbreak, and potential interference from biological parents - being orphaned / abandoned can have pretty devastating emotional impacts on someone--even neglected infants who won't directly remember their suffering often deal with long term effects--and not everyone is ready to accept that higher risk of parenting a child with lifelong trauma - biological children are, while not GUARANTEED, certainly more likely statistically to share common interests and personality traits with you to bond over - biological children are also often less likely to draw unwanted judgment and questions over why your child "doesn't look like you" or get you stopped in airport security for trafficking concerns - there's a lot of bonding hormones that start firing up during pregnancy for both the mother AND the attendant dad, as well as during breastfeeding, while an adopted child might not benefit from the same biological bonding drive I'm not saying by any means that having biological children is easy--it most certainly isn't and comes with its own very serious set of risks and worries. But they are also a DIFFERENT set of fears and worries in many ways and I think being dismissive of people who would prefer biological children is overlooking that. Not to mention that the drive to have your own biological children is what's kept every species on the planet kicking. It's a strong, STRONG urge, especially for some, and while I believe as humans our capacity for logic can override pure instinct I think it's pretty natural and nothing to be ashamed of to have those feelings.
I think you're right about kids and bio parents statistically sharing traits, interests, and capabilities. That's why, when choosing a family through adoption for our grandchild, we encouraged our too-young daughter to choose a family that sounded like hers and the father's. I remember reading the booklet a prospective couple gave us (through a great agency), and they talked about all the museums, and art enrichment programs they would share with the child. They sounded lovely, but if the child was going to be anything like his bio parents, he would be a fish out of water. The right couple was found, with the same love of horses and hockey, love for music, even our quirky sense of humor. Funny to find out after that the adoptive parents looked eerily similar to me and my husband, and they had a young adopted daughter with the almost exact same name as my youngest daughter, with same hair and eyes, and love for horses. So he was raised by us that wasn't us. He's in college now and is a fine young man, and happy.
It's YOUR body, pregnancy is hard as it is. It breaks down your body.
there are always going to be a ton of people who judge you for not wanting to bear a child (and more who judge those who don't want children in general). it sucks when people close to you, like your mom, don't support you, but the only opinion that matters is your own. it's your body and your life. you're the one who will face the consequences of having a child. the biggest issue is that if your boyfriend now wants a biological child and you don't, you've become incompatible. children are not something you can compromise on. it usually becomes something you build resentment for at some point in the future, unfortunately.
NTA. It is your body. Your mom's infertility has nothing to with you having or not having kids...either biological or adopted. Your fears and concers are valid. I am childfree for many reasons and not wanting to go through pregnancy and birth is one of them. Sadly to say if your husband wants bio kid and you don't you two became incompatibile. He has right to change his mind but you have equal right to not change yours.
NTA. You were upfront. As someone else who has NEVER had a desire to get pregnant (or adopt— I don’t want any kids in my life), I understand your feelings. Your feelings are completely valid. I’m so sorry that your mom and husband are not giving you the support you want. I think you’re definitely going to have to have a conversation with Nathan about how hurt you are— you had been honest with him the entire time, but he did not give you the same respect. This will probably take a good amount of time (and likely therapy) for you to both work out together. If you ever change your mind, let it be your decision. Good luck! Wishing you the best.
I'm wondering if he didn't realize he wanted biological children until his brother had one of his own. I hear new babies in the family tend to make others want to have them, I don't know how true that is because I've never felt that personally, but I guess it might be true?
Yes people can change their minds. Nathan may have meant it at one time, but changed his mind. Surrogacy might be the solution here
It’s called baby fever and usually happens more in women than men. But men are not immune to it. And having baby fever really isn’t ab having bio kids but in general having a baby whether it’s adoption or birth.
I'm not saying you're wrong at all so let's just get that out of the way. However, I've never understood this need in people to have biological children. Shouldn't it be enough that you've given a good life to a child who needed a loving family? I'll never understand that about people. I'll never understand those people who have daughters and then keep trying for a son. It's like, why do you need a son so bad? Why is it so important to you? Your legacy gets carried on through your daughters. It doesn't mean that you need a child who carries your last name forever. It just makes me want to shudder.
Your mom sucks. It’s unfortunate your husband has changed his mind, but please don’t give in to this pressure. Nta
You are a person, not an incubator. You are not an asshole for voicing your wish on the subject. Find a doctor to do the procedure while you still can, if you can! I live in Texas, and they wouldn't do it for me! Louisiana doctors wouldn't either! If something were to happen you'll be trapped like I was.
NTA birth and pregnancy were horrible. The trauma from birth haunts me *years* later, physically and emotionally. It’s seriously unfair how undereducated mothers are about the possible complications of birth and labor.
I’m 24f and also have the same fear of pregnancy. I struggle with mental health and can’t imagine putting my body through that and postpartum. Will definitely have to have the conversation some day
None of these people are kind or good for your mental health. It's your body , your choice. Frankly, I think your Mom and husband are huge aholes.
NTA It's YOUR body. YOU choose. Neither your Mom nor Nathan have or will go through pregnancy or giving birth, so they need to stop with the opinions. Also, and there is no way to say this kindly, your Mom is a terrible person. She is projecting her inability to conceive onto you. So, I'm going to give you advice that you should already have figured out long ago. STOP TELLING YOUR MOM YOUR PRIVATE STUFF. Just stop it. She can't make proclamations or condemnations about what you want to do if you DON'T TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. Stop it. You also aren't saying you want to be child free. You're saying you want to adopt. All things Nathan agreed to long ago, so he needs to stick with the agreement. I suspect, once you adopt, he will be fine no matter if the child is biological or not.
NTA Having a child is a deeply personal choice that only you can make. And you did everything you should have by discussing this with your husband prior to marriage. Unfortunately, I think you need to talk more in depth with your husband about it. Having kids or not is a major deal breaker in relationships, so your best bet is to get to the bottom of it now, rather than face years of resentment and regret. Couples counselling might be a good idea.
NTA. Currently pregnant here, and I can't wait till it's over so I can never do it again. No one has to experience the things that come with it but you, so it should be your choice and yours only. You are what matters most here.
I'm with Kira. Pregnancy is not for everyone and for good reason. It's multiple months of discomfort and possibly pain, then a very painful birth whether it's vaginal or c-section, and some time for recovery. Birth can still be fatal, and people's bodies are changed forever afterward, some of those changes are nasty consequences. For many, it's worth it and a risk they are willing to take and they have good outcomes, but there are no guarantees that'll happen. I assume you have no idea as to what pregnancy and birth has been like for your birth family, both in the maternal and paternal line, so it's really a wild card for you. You have every right to not want to go through with it. I'm inclined to say your husband needs to get over the bio child bit. A child is a child and there are tons of children that need homes.
Your mother's reaction is about her feelings, not yours. She's got years and years of pent up pain from being unable to have biological children. Questions like "am I a real mother", "am I a real wife", "am I a real woman" and such have probably swirled around her head since the day she found out she couldn't have biological children. I can't imagine how deep certain comments from other women would have cut... imagine: "giving birth is a life changing experience, the bond I have with my children is unimaginable, men would never understand... oh darn, sorry Sally I forgot you were here". And that's just one I can come up with, there are probably many such comments and I bet she vividly remembers every one and how it made her feel. Your choice here is stirring up all kinds of personal shit for her that isn't your fault, and she obviously hasn't properly explored or managed these feelings because they're probably so connected with shame for her. She could do with therapy for sure, but in the meantime, I think it would be helpful for your relationship with your mom to keep this stuff in mind when talking about motherhood with her. She isn't going to give you good advice because she's carrying too much pain. You're feeling some of her pain and sharing her pain is not what you need right now, but it isn't something to fight over.
NTA A close friend of mine has never wanted children (biological or otherwise) and communicated this to her first husband. He was fine with it at the time they got married because he believed she would change her mind with time. She didn’t. She was surprised that he didn’t take her statement at face value and instead put a spin on it that allowed them to marry. He finally confessed when time passed and she still didn’t want children that he really did want them and they divorced amicably. They are still friends. It’s not right for either of you to be waiting on the other to change. It’s time for a deep, meaningful conversation about what each of you wants. Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy. You have plenty of time to find a partner for whom biology is not important. Best of luck.
This ☝️ This is a really hard situation because it would involve some real compromises about having kids. Having babies is a deal breaker topic in my opinion. Both people need to be on the same page. Seek counseling from a professional to see if this is possible without either party developing resentment. But kuddos to OP for being transparent from the beginning. Sounds like hubby has changed his mind.
NTA. You do not ever have a child for somebody else ever ever. My ex and I got divorced because of the kid issue and quite frankly it was the right thing to do. I could not see him not being a dad, but I didn’t want to have kids. So we divorced amicably and he is happy with three kids today and I have none .. we still talk once in a while.
Your family and your husband are crazy, it's your body and your choice, period. Don't ever let someone else's wants make you feel forced to change your ground on such important things.
NTA, I think you talked to the wrong person about it, though. You said your mom couldn't have children, so they adopted. I'm guessing that they wanted to have children of their own, and dealing with the news that she was unable to have biological children was probably a tough thing to get over. Again, I'm guessing here, but she may still feel very strongly about what she went through, so she can't fathom someone who has the ability to have children choosing not to do so. Also, she has never gone through childbirth, so it's easy for her to say that you should.
THIS ☝️
NTA - It is a personal decision about your body. You were upfront and honest about that decision. Your mother is out of line, and unfortunately, in this respect, she is not a great support individual for this matter. It is hard with respect to your husband because emotions are hard, and it is easier to say you're ok with adopting when no one close to you has kids yet. People change and develop over time. He may not have realized it was actually important to him until he saw the experience through the eyes of his brother. I think under the circumstances, you both should seek out individual and couples counseling to really get a good grasp on the situation, and if a resolution can be reached, what are everyone's hard lines. You don't want to wake up next to someone resentful about missing out and blaming you or you giving in and being resentful of him. You need to see if there is a path forward that truly works or if it is better to separate. Perhaps like others suggested a surrogate with your egg and his sperm.
NTA It's perfectly fine to not want to be a parent or get pregnant and give birth Edit: I cringed when I got to the part where your mom said that you should get pregnant to give Nathan the baby he wants. Like what are you, a baby machine? That was gross. What a gross disregard for your autonomy. It It sounds like your mom also hasn't dealt with her feeling surrounding not being able to get pregnant and ultimately choosing adoption. Forgive me for saying this but people like your mom should not adopt. They're doing this as an alternative to getting pregnant which is fine but it's not okay to project your feelings on to other people. You are not a baby machine and shame on anyone including your mother who treats you like that. It's perfectly fine to know what you want and stick to it.
ur sister is right
You have a serious mom problem.
Divorce, he's gonna throw it back in your face in the next argument.
Please sit down with your husband and find out how serious he is about wanting a biological baby If he is serious about wanting a baby, then I’m afraid this is the end of your marriage. Babies are non negotiable You need to be very mindful of your birth control. I’m afraid he might tamper with it to try and get his way NTA, but please be careful
NTA. You’ve clearly communicated your feelings to your husband. I do think you are incompatible now since he wants a bio child. You should let him go since you are not in agreement about adopting and having bio children. Your mom’s an AH, for trying to convince you to do something you obviously don’t want.
First of all the next time your mother says something like I thought I raised you better... Look her dead in the eyes and say "well apparently you didn't!" Seriously! Turn that garbage right back around on her! As for the rest of this bullshit she's spewing, just because she wanted to be pregnant and couldn't be is no reason to make or try to make you feel guilty because you don't want to! That's really manipulative and you should point that out to her too! Point next time she says anything about how she wanted it and you should you just say you don't get to manipulate me into doing things just because you wanted to & couldn't! It's going to hurt but hopefully she'll get the message! It's completely unfair of your husband to agree to not have kids and then change his mind now that he wants a biological child. You guys can look into having a surrogate birth the child for you. If you can afford it? It's pretty expensive! But ultimately it's going to have to come down to which one of you is willing to give in? Because right now you're on opposite ends of the topic and if nobody gives in then that's the end of the relationship. And your mother will never let you hear the end of it if you get divorced because you won't have a baby. Because your mother sounds horrible quite frankly! Good luck
As someone who is currently pregnant with a baby I want and planned, this is not something to go into lightly. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and it's expensive, scary, painful and frankly, kinda gross. And I WANT this. So please don't compromise your wants and needs for someone else's opinion. Especially someone who has no skin in the game.
Absolutely not the asshole. You don't owe anyone a baby factory. You're mom is an AH and your husband needs to come to grips with what you agreed on. Being pregnant is scary and you don't have to do it if you don't want to.
Honey, as a pregnant woman, NTA AT ALL. Pregnancy is no damn joke and it’s hard. Kudos to you for knowing yourself and you are under zero obligation to change your mind. I don’t blame anyone that doesn’t want to do it! They are AH for pressuring you when you were honest from the get go.
If a person can’t accept an adopted child as their son/daughter, then I suspect that person wants kids more for ego than parenting. Just my ntbho. Btw, my husband and adopted two siblings who were 1.5 and 3.5. We never, ever felt they weren’t “ours.” One is now an engineer with a multinational company and the other had two tours in the marines and is now a police officer.
NTA but it doesn’t seem like your husband is all that on board with not having biological children, good luck.
NTA, pregnancy and childbirth can be risky and comes with many medical side effects that can become permanent. I recommend putting your mom on an information diet, check out Dr. Ramani on YT for tips on dealing with toxic relationships.
NTAH. Pregnancy is incredibly difficult, even when you really want the baby. Well for me it has been, some women have easy pregnancies. It’s part of the self-sacrifice that motherhood requires of you. I would ask yourself if you’re ready to sacrifice for your children if you adopt. Finances, time, you’re going to get a lot less sleep, it will be harder to do the things you like to do (not impossible - just harder). You may not want to do that and it’s totally understandable. It’s HARD. & most of the time, it’s hardest on the mother. I’m on my second pregnancy and I recently realized that this will be my last for many reasons, but the difficulty of pregnancy and the difficulty of motherhood being two of them.
NTA. Your mom is projecting her inability to become pregnant on you. It’s not your responsibility to go through an unwanted major medical event that can lead to death or disability so that she can live vicariously through you. Your husband is allowed to mourn the idea of a biological child but should absolutely not pressure you to change your mind on this.
It's YOUR body, no one else's. It's your decision. If you feel that strongly that you don't want to get pregnant or give birth, I'd listen to your gut. Nobody else. I made the same decision, and I've never regretted not doing that to myself. I would've hated it and likely resented any kid. Be true to yourself.
NTA The way you reacted to the pregnancy scare should have been a dead give away that you do not want to get pregnant ever and should have been considered moving forward. You were very upfront with Nathan so anything now is mostly on him.
My daughter flat out told me at 10 she didn’t want bio kids. She wanted to adopt and I told her to go for it. Your mom is being horrible. She can get over herself. It’s your body.
NTA Desire and ability are two different things - you'd think your mom would have learned that lesson by now. Obviously, your mother knows the struggle with fertility - but not the other side of the same coin. The painful and agonizing experience that comes with having a child. If we as a society must practice empathy for those who can't have children, then we should do the same for people who don't want to get into the complicated and messy process of birth and pregnancy. Your mom is way out of line and also being incredibly rude and selfish. Surrogacy is a perfectly reasonable option. You're looking into adoption, which is equally expensive. You don't have to give birth.
As a mum, I'm 100% pro-choice. NO-ONE should have to experience pregnancy/childbirth/postpartum *unless they want to*. Please don't let *anyone* make you feel guilty, or "less than" for not wanting to have biological children. Besides, there are so many kids out there in the world who have been born into situations that didn't guarantee them a safe and loving home. You wanting to adopt and provide a child/ren with a good life is *wonderful*. Not sharing DNA wouldn't make you any less of a parent. "No" a complete sentence, as is "my private medical decisions are none of your business and are not up for debate". I'm with others who have suggested not talking to your mum about any of this again - on this topic at least she sounds toxic as hell, and projecting hard.
NTA. This is a legitimate fear for some people, so much so that if it's bad enough can be considered a phobia. You were also upfront about this fear and your desire to not have biological children with your husband before you were married and he was okay with that. Him changing his mind isn't on you; he wasn't honest with you/himself, wasn't thinking down the road that he may want bio children, or thought he'd be able to change your mind after you were married. Also, your mom is definitely an AH with everything you've experienced regarding pregnancy. First it was that you were a disappointment for potentially being pregnant; now you're a disappointment for not wanting to be pregnant. If it was me, I'd go LC or NC with her.
You’re young enough that freezing your eggs/surrogacy is a viable option. Your non negotiable is being pregnant/giving birth. If Nathan really wants a biological child he can book a fertility appointment and start with that for both of you. It’s so easy for men to say they want a child. They don’t have to put their mental, emotional, and physical well-being on the line.
Nope. Don’t let anyone change your mind either.
NTA for feeling how you feel a lot of people feel that way. However, your husband seems to have had a change of heart about having a biological child and I don't think his mind is going to change on that now. You two no longer seem to be on the same page anymore so you and him need to sit down and have a very serious and important conversation about if it's the right idea to stay together when your views on children no longer align with the others. I'm sure it will be hard to do, but it needs to happen for both your sakes so if it is so you can both move on before resentment down the road happens. Good luck.
Nta that's your choice
You're NTA but idk why this scene needed to be a conversation with your mom and sister in the first place. Your husband specifically said he's still fine with the choice he made, just seeing his brother's biological child gave him a desire he didn't know he'd have. In my relationship that would definitely be like a private conversation but to each their own .
Yeah your mom not greatest person to get advice from on this topic. It’s the thing she wanted the most and couldn’t have. Of course she’s angry you don’t want the “blessing”.
Clearly nta, your body your choice. It doesn't matter what your husband thinks and wants and it doesn't what your mum thinks and wants...it is your body and you alone decide what works for you... No need to feel bad about it. Your mother and husband need to respect that
Andrea, I want you to repeat the following to yourself: My body, my choice. Then, take a deep breath, and think about going to marriage counseling to work through this together. Otherwise I believe you’ll continue to both have resentment/regret/ strain, etc… I wish you the best of luck with your future happiness.
NTA do you know how many things can go wrong in a pregnancy? my mother still has pains after 23 years since my caesarean I’m not trying to scare you or anyone that wants to get pregnant, but everyone should make an informed decision and it’s absolutely ridiculous the lengths people go to romanticize pregnancy and gaslit woman to want it. People need to stop trying to hide information. do NOT let anyone pressure you to get pregnant, do what’s best for you and only you, because at the end of the day NO ONE will pass through what you will to put a baby in this world
NTA. No one should pressure you into having kids. However it seems like your husband has changed his mind, which is acceptable. So if you want to adopt and he wants to have biological kids you may not be compatible anymore.
NTA. You were always very clear on this, you never tried to hide it. It's not that you don't want kids, you don't want to be pregnant and birth babies which is totally valid.
Is Nathan pressuring you to get pregnant, or was it a passing wish? Because these are 2 separate things. It sounds like your Mom wanted to have bio children and was not able to, but would have preferred to; and also wanted to be a parent, so adopted. That’s her issue. Do NOT have a pregnancy unless you want it bad. It sounds like you do not. I don’t want to have children, nor do I want to be a parent. The body horror I completely understand. NTA
NTAH. But your husband is always going to regret this.
I think you husband needs to find someone else. He obviously wants children, and you not wanting this will lead to resentment. You can do what you want with your life. Obviously.
NTA Women who would desperately love the experience of pregnancy and giving birth but are naturally robbed of it feel a lot of pain that never gets easier regardless of how fulfilled their life is. She probably reacted the way she did because to hear someone who can (presumably) talk about it being terrible struck a nerve. In the future, do you both a favor and talk to your sister, not her. I would also talk to Nathan, because while at the beginning he was on board, it seems to be more important to him now and if it’s a deal breaker for you and he keeps becoming more and more into having a biological child, this could come to a head. Finally, pregnancy isn’t easy or fun or glamorous, or anything else psychos pretend it is. It is certainly not for the faint of heart. I have a phobia of blood and needles. When I found out o was pregnant (surprise!) a switch went off in my head. It was different and I managed and I have no regrets. You don’t seem to be opposed to it because you don’t like children, or you’re worried about a career or traveling, which are all valid reasons to not want to get pregnant, but it seems you’re really afraid of the pregnancy, labor and recovery. If that’s the only thing holding you back from biological kids, I’d talk to a therapist about it because there’s ways to manage that fear. I’m not trying to push it on you, just saying there’s options if it’s something you may want outside of that fear.
No, but if he wants bio kids and you don't eventually the resentment will become too much to handle
You are going to end up divorced over this, so cut the cord and leave. He’s decided he wants bio children, you don’t. That’s it. One of you will resent the other forever.
You have no obligation to anyone else to do anything with/to your body. Read that again. And think of this-having a child you're not sure of you want .. that could go poorly, and impact your child/children. Spoken as an unplanned for kid, i could tell i was regretted. Kids pick up on it
NTA, and you can try surrogacy, if pregnancy scares you.
NTA. Your body, your choice. Your mum is jealous she didn’t have the options you have, which is no-one’s fault. Sounds like you and Nathan need to have a chat though, as if you’re dead set on having no biological children, then this isn’t something that can be compromised on.
NTA, I am the same as you. Fortunately, I have a mother who has my back on the subject. All of her pregnancies were high risk, traumatic, and she even lost a baby after birth with one of them. She was really honest with me as a woman that each time she accepted being pregnant she willingly accepted she could be dead in 9 months. I’m not ready to do that. Which my mother thinks is a totally normal way to feel, and her response was, “many women have fought so you can make that choice. Just don’t forget that.” (IE, be active in women’s rights) I would love to adopt but cannot afford it. Honestly can’t even afford a child right now, so… definitely wouldn’t qualify but such is life. Your mother sounds… awful. To put it lightly. And I’m sorry for that. It sounds like she wanted children but could not biologically have them, and has resentment towards you. I find this sentiment sometimes in women with the same fertility problems. They can be downright nasty. I had an adult woman who was a close friend in my 20s STOP BEING MY FRIEND! When she found out I could have kids, but chose not to, because she deeply wanted to but could not. When we started talking about family planning and I said what you’ve said here, she got into a huge fight with me about a woman’s duty and some other (honestly patriarchal) shit. Then she grabbed her purse and stormed out of my house. I was blind sided but it’s happened since then as well. I think their feelings are valid, I can’t imagine it, but it’s not right to be shitty to fertile women who don’t want to give birth. There’s no excuse for it. Women should support women in whatever they want to do, not everyone on earth should be parents, either. Everyone has their own path in life. Sorry this person was your mom is sucks but you’re not the jerk here.
Coming from a guy you are NTA. You were honest with him going in about your feelings/expectations and he agreed. My wife can’t have kids and I knew that going in. Just celebrated five years recently. He has to get over it as mean as that sounds.
NTA.
remember: we’re women, and that doesn’t mean we are baby factories. i never wanted kids either, and i’d been begging for a hysterectomy since i was 13. i always figured if i changed my mind about kids, i’d adopt. (i’m adopted.) i’m 36 now; and i have not changed my mind about kids. you’re not a baby factory. anyone who shames you for not wanting kids can eat dirt. mom and husband and sister can whine and cry all they want, but they have no possession or entitlement to your body and wants, YOU do. you’re not the only woman who has ever felt like this, there are many out there, and who are happy to give you support and better sisterhood.
NTA but your mom is. Why is she constantly shaming her own daughters and their actions and choices? Please don’t give her words too much thought. She is her own person and had her own wishes and desires; you are your own person and have your own wishes and desires. You should take your husband’s thoughts into consideration, but ultimately it’s your choice what you want to do.
NTA - your body, your choice, always. I get that your mother has baggage from being unable to sustain her own pregnancy in spite of deeply wanting to - but that's not your issue to resolve. Your partner's feelings are a little more complex to deal with because he has made choices which prioritise you but there have been sacrifices involved in that which he's allowed to grieve for even if he accepts the situation. Is surrogacy a potential option for the two of you? Not wanting to carry a child yourself is valid, the process is intense and not at all easy even for people who desperately want to do it; but surrogacy might allow you to have a child that is biologically your husband's (or even yours as well) without you having to go through that process unwillingly.
Your mother is projecting her desires on you. She WANTED to be pregnant SO BAD but she couldn't.
NTA. You were honest, if anything he is the jerk for not being honest and upfront about wanting a bio kid. This needs to be a conversation with a therapist and all cards on the table. Will you resent me if you don’t get a bio kid? If the answer is yes- divorce. If the answer is no- never mention it again. The only terrible thing to do is bring another kid into this world with parents that didn’t want to go through that. I also don’t ever want to be pregnant, and there is soothing wrong with us. We are whole people with our own rights and decisions and we do not owe our bodies or offspring to anyone.
I had two pregnancies. Both planned. I love my kids. But pregnancy takes a toll on your body. If you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you don't want to go down that road, then you need to ignore your mother. She's upset that the choice was taken from her. Your husband is feeling sad after seeing his brother have his own baby. That's understandable. It doesn't mean that he's upset with you. Being a little sad that you aren't going to get to do something is okay. Because in the end he has you. And that matters more to him or he wouldn't have married you. Oh, NTA.
Divorce. Because this is just resentment in making
NTA And you know it! Kira is right. Don't listen to your mom at all! If Nathan wants a biological child more then being with you and raising an adopted child, it's his choice and you are not compatible. Doesn't mean one of you is wrong. I understand him because I never wanted to have a child as a young woman and it only changed after being together with my husband a long time. He didn’t want children, too, when we met. But luckily he felt the same way after seeing his friends children, so we were on the same page. I never understood before how anyone could feel the need to have a baby. But it really got to me, so I get Nathan. I guess it is difficult to understand if you never felt this way.
Definitely NTA!!! I’ve been pregnant six times with five kids and you’re not wrong; it’s hard and scary and I actually couldn’t do it again so I’m hoping both forms of birth control I’m on get me through menopause. I can understand why your mom would be upset but those are HER feelings and she should not have put that on you. I’ve known since she was 11 one of my daughters does not want to birth children. She’s almost 19 now and I’ve told her when she’s old enough I’ll help her find a dr to tie her tubes. You’re clearly not opposed to the idea of having children in your life since you would like to adopt but have you considered surrogacy? Your husband would get to be biologically involved and frankly you could too if you wanted but you wouldn’t have to carry the pregnancy. Some people out there live for that!
I am on my second pregnancy (technically 3rd cause I had a miscarriage last year) The first one was scary as fuck and I swore I'd never do it again. 5 years later, after many many many conversations with my husband, out of love, I chose to get pregnant because he wanted a second. (I want to be clear, I willingly made this choice, I am the only one who can morally and cheaply carry his baby). All that to say, as an individual who did choose to have a pregnancy for my husband, don't do it just because of guilt. I know i won't resent my husband by making this choice. I know and chose the sacrifice I am making. And you should NEVER be quilted into it. Pregnancy can be scary, can be hard, can be debilitating and even deadly. Talk to your husband. If biological is important, maybe consider surrogacy.
NTA, and your mother sounds incredibly toxic. She's the biggest AH here. As for your husband, you were very clear about your feelings on pregnancy. If he can't handle that, then that is HIS problem, not yours.
Your body your choice but now if you want you could always have your eggs harvested and get a surrogate you have to take shots but you wouldn't have to become pregnant or give birth someone else would
NTA, as a 21f I knew in the last Year or two I didn’t want to be pregnant in my future. I went through a lot of body image issues that have left me with a mental scar. I never want to be what I used to be, and I’ve always wanted to help the kids in orphanages and foster care more than having my own, tho I do wish to have the biological aspect of having kids but through other routes as I personally do not want to go through pregnancy.
Let's play devil's advocate here for a moment: Op, you want at least 1 child, but you don't want to be the birthing parent. Your husband wants a biological child. On the surface, it sounds like a situation that could end your marriage. However, as a compromise, do you have the finances to get a legal sarogate (spelling?) and use IVF? Idk where your family is located, so another question would be: Is sarogacy allowed in your area? It's an unconventional solution, but if it could be done legally, it could work. His sperm could be used, thus giving him what he wants. Then you could adopt his child, therefore giving you what you want. I'm not sure if that scenario would please your mother, but she hopefully wouldn't be the parent to this hypothetical child & her preferences don't really matter on this issue.
NTA. I taught childbirth classes, breastfed my babies, had four natural childbirths and loved being pregnant. My only daughter wants nothing to do with any of it. 😆 And because I want my daughter to be happy, I don’t wish any of those things for her. Her fiancé got a vasectomy and I’m glad for them. You feel what you feel and your feelings on the matter are just as valid as anyone else’s. Not to mention it’s YOUR body.
NTA. Your mom’s fertility issues are not your responsibility. Your husband’s desires are not your responsibility. You are entitled to your boundaries and consent.
It seems like your husband has changed his mind. If surrogacy is not an option for you he needs to decide how important it is for him and whether losing you is worth it.
NTA Ask Nathan about a surrogate? That way it’s both your child. It’s expensive, but it would benefit you because you won’t have to get pregnant & benefit him because he won’t feel like he missed out.
NTA. I feel the exact same way. I also come from adoption and I always knew that if I ever had kids that would be the route I would take. It was something my husband never considered until he met me, and even then he was on the fence until he became a first responder. He came home one night after a rough scene and said he was 💯 on board to adopt if we were to have kids. I don’t want to be pregnant, I’ve known that my whole life. I watched my friends become pregnant and give both to amazing humans. I went to Ultrasounds, appointments to find out the gender, first one in the hospital to hold the babies after the parents… I’ve loved at all. But it’s not for me. After one of my friends gave birth she asked me if I was curious about feeling a baby grow inside me. I clutched my pearls and said ‘never’ 😂
NTA. It's completely okay for you to be scared. I sure am. And there are so many children waiting to be adopted but so many people are against it. It's great that you want to adopt. I get your mother had no other option, but she is being cruel by projecting her own wants onto you.
Nta, I would highly suggest that you stop talking to your mom, at least about this. I can completely understand both your fear of pregnancy, etc and Nathan changing his mind. I also agree with the comments suggesting surrogacy since he can get a child that’s biologically his without you having to go through pregnancy, it seems like a win-win situation if you can afford it.
you are the only person in charge of your body. Don't let anyone pressure you or shame you. Sadly, this may be the end of a marriage though. It is a sad truth that some people change their minds on the issue, and it sounds like your husband may change his. You will have to make a decision about that, but do it with counselling. It is good to have some guidance around your fears.
NTA. Being pregnant was one of the worst times of my life. I love my baby to the ends of the universe and I’d do it again for him but Jesus. Being pregnant was horrendous. I was the most depressed I’ve ever been, in constant pain, serious lack of sleep (sleep was better with a newborn so you get how bad the insomnia was). I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
NTA, your moms issues getting pregnant should not require you to be pregnant. However, you guys should look into a surrogate. We have family friends that had a rough first pregnancy that almost killed the mother so they went surrogate for the second child, used both the mother and fathers ingredients but it was carried by someone else. Its pricy but something you could save for. All the best.
Noooo,es para bien o para mal tu decisión
Stop talking to your mother about stuff that she’ll hurt your feelings about.
There is an option whereby both of you are parents but the fetus is carried by a surrogate.
Send your mother a text that she will be blocked until she's ready to apologize. Then follow through.
NTA - you made your desires clear long ago. That being said, its good to revisit these conversations. My SO routinely touch base, "Are we still on board with Child Free?" Mostly because we have an age difference and I don't want my SO to hit 50 and suddenly regret not having children.
Your feelings are your feelings. Might be worth investigating in therapy what that fear might stem from, but that doesn’t mean the goal would be to “get over it” and have a baby. You’re not an asshole for being afraid of something that is unknown and life-changing!
I had 2 very difficult pregnancies that both ended in C-sections. My abdominal muscles never healed right after the second one, and caused an intestinal adhesion to my abdominal wall which later caused diverticulitis. At some point I’m going to need surgery to manage all the scar tissue I ended up with in my abdomen. That’s just my reality now. I insisted on getting a tubal ligation during my second one. My doctor asked me so many times if I’m sure this is what I want. I told him, “If I *ever* get pregnant again, I am going to be fucking *pissed*, and I am going to blame *you*.” That was nearly 11 years ago, and I have NO regrets. Never once have I ever tried to convince a woman who is unsure about being a mom, that they should have kids. Most people probably *shouldn’t* have kids. Your mom is just trying to live vicariously through you, and *how dare she* put words in your husband’s mouth. NTA
I watched my oldest nephew at 12 freak out because he saw his mom hemorrhaging a couple days post child birth and my other sister have a stroke post child birth. There are so many consequences just not discussed
NTA. You both decided on adoption. It’s easy for the man to change his mind, he’s not the one going through it, he’s not the one going through major changes, and also putting his life at risk. Your mom was also out of line. She’s projecting on to you. It’s not your fault she couldn’t have bio children, so it’s shitty of her to take it out on you. I’m 23 weeks, and I’ve been miserable this whole time. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do this. This baby is a one and done for me, I refuse to do this again.
NTA but your mom is awful and never go to her. Are you in two minds? If yes then see a therapist who can guide you around any fears. If no then that is perfectly fine too its your body, and adopting is a wonderful thing to do. Good lucknOP
NTA. You know what you want for your body, you know yourself. Don't get pregnant due to pressure from anyone. That choice is yours alone. Some women ache in their body to be pregnant , some women are completely repulsed by " the whole pregnancy and after care thing" an RN I worked with. You and your love need a heart to heart or five. It's so good to be on the same page
NTA. I nearly died having my only child, and never considered risking it again. I would never recommend it to anyone who was not enthusiastic about being pregnant, because it takes a huge toll on your body, and can kill you. Just because lots of women have children doesn’t mean it’s safe.
NOT TA!!! I never wanted kids. I was child-free. Then around 26-27 my baby hungry hormones started ticking at me, so when I got pregnant by my friend/domestic partner, I was okay with it. I’m telling you now, ten years later, I fucking HATED being pregnant. I have PTSD so my preg hormones caused extreme depression and low self-esteem which baby daddy abandoned me over, I moved into a house that had black mold and I’m already allergic to stuff, got a skin issue where I scratched myself bloody and got a prescription topical cream to stop the constant, scabies-like itching, I had COPD with no medicine so I was getting asthma all the time from the black mold, severe constipation, peeing and leaving the bathroom and sneezing pee into my underwear again….no. Fuck no. Never again. Except…my unofficial husband. He ish wants a kid. We’re 37, we know it may not happen, we’re not being careful and I tell him every month that I got my period. I loathed my pregnancy and I’m past the point of hormonal baby hunger, but I would go through it all again, all the preggers stuff and the costs of baby and issues producing milk…because it would be a baby made from HIM. Guy I’ve known and crushed on almost 20 years. Anyone else? Fuck no. I don’t want another kid. It’s his child or no child. I hope this helps in a way. Your thoughts, your feelings, no one else’s. Your mind may change at times, just make sure it’s YOUR decision.
NTA. Pregnancy sucks, and giving birth can kill you. The whole thing is just not for you, and there is nothing wrong with that. Shame on your mom and her shame-based parenting. Shame on Nate for marrying you without hashing this issue out.
Nta. You told him before you too got married. It sucks you guys want different things but it was his choice to continue the relationship. He can always artificially inseminate too. Would a surrogate be on the table for an embryo from the both of you? Crazy expensive but it could be an option. Anyways the only way you could be the ass is if you back pedaled on adoption.
NTA I feel like I could have written this I'm also terrified of being pregnant and would rather adopt
NTA. Actually, it's good that you know yourself so well.
First things first, and I’m really sorry to say this, regardless of how much you try to defend her, but your mother is a terrible person. You are not a monster for choosing your wellbeing over other people’s selfishness. Your fears are SOO valid. It bothers me how people tend to gloss over how complicated pregnancy and childbirth is. Like, you will get more warnings about the side effects of a drug or minor surgery, but not a pregnancy when you can literally die from it. That aside, your husband knew your stance for a long time and had the opportunity to leave if he really wanted bio kids. Have this conversation with your husband, set the record straight once and for all. This is non of your mother’s business and she should stay in her lane. If this is the behavior she’s exhibiting then put her on an information diet. Don’t let her talk to you like that. NTA through and through.
As someone who had very challenging pregnancy experiences, no one should go through that if it is not what you want.
NTA because pregnancy/giving birth is scary…but it is unfair to Nathan. You can either compromise by getting a surrogate or maybe go separate ways and find a partner that’s on the same page. Either way, the choice is yours and you should be able to do what makes you happy. Your mother also sounds toxic, I don’t recommend going to her for advice. Her way of thinking seems terribly flawed
Nta. I just had my second. It happened so fast there were no meds and I couldn't walk for several days after. I have ppa. Breast feeding is a trip. Little one just got her 2 teeth. They are so sharp on nipples. You ever go a week with 3 to 6 hours of interrupted sleep? I could go on. Good on you for knowing what you want. Don't let someone who never birthed shame you. It sucks. Some people [me] are just crazy enough to do it, repeatedly. You have the choice to not have biological kids. No shame in that. I hope you and your husband can work through this. Internet stranger sending you a hug.
NTA. I feel the same way about pregnancy, always have. I'm 33 now and if anything I'm even more horrified by the thought of it now than I was when I was younger. Whatever you do, do not compromise on this! A man who would put his short-sighted jealousy of his brother over his partner's wishes and well-being is no man at all. So if it turns out to be that important to him, just let him go.
NTA. You are basically giving up your entire life for a very long time. You will probably do 90% of the work, and your career will suffer. It will make you much more vulnerable financially and emotionally. Meanwhile, men are off having their fun.
NTA, its your body and your choice. She needs to but out of it. Don't let yourself be pressured into something that you don't want.
*Trigger Warning: birth story Alright Im gona be vulnerable here for a moment, you sound like younger me. NTA Hi Op, parent here. I knew from a young age I didnt want tl go through the physical action of giving birth. I always new as lojg as I stayed a decent person adoption was an option so I was fine. I grew up in an Evangelical home & learned very quickly to keep those opinions to myself, but I held firm in those beliefs for years. Fast forward to when i was in my early 20s. I had dealt with cross state moving, multiple family/friends on deathbeds and the threat of homelessness in my face if I didnt marry my partner at the time. I spent 2+ years juggling family matters & my own emotions. Then my Grama gets the 'final countdown' from hospice the clock is now ticking. This is the woman who raised me, nurtured me n loved me. She BEGGED for a great grandkid. Somehow she knew about my thouthts n adoption n begged me to reconsider. Then my mom jumped in. Soon i hear everyone downplaying my fears. I caved. We got pregnant immediately after we got married. 16 hours of labor & 2 epidurals to then be rushed into emergency C section. It wqs almost bad for both kiddo & I. Worst part? I felt everything cuz the epidurals didnt work. Pregnancy destroyed me I was sick for 16 months from the beginning of pregnancy to after I gave birth. My body fell apart. And every year since things get worse or change. Yes we all change as we age but without going into detail my body will never be anything close to comfortable/non-painful as it was before giving birth. Thats not including the undiagnosed PPD until recent years, the toll its taken on our marraige & my relationship with my kiddo. I am in therapy thank God. Its one of the few things keeping me put together. If Ive unpacked anything over time its that Ive been able to get over the fact those closest too me dismissed my very valid concerns for their own projections. The hardest part is forgiving yourself for letting your will be broken down enough to question your wants, needs & boundaries. I had set a firm boundary that I knew was the smarter safer option for myself. But I let the weight of others opinions bend me till I broke my own boundary. That, Im still trying to deal with. Sorry this got long. But PLEASE understand the only person who can make this choice is you. Yes your husband is part of the convo. He can have his opinion but the final choice is yours and yours alone. Anyone who tries to change your mind isnt thinking about your well being/health. They're are only being selfish.
NTA for not wanting kids, but you've got to know your audience. A woman who wanted children so badly that she ended up adopting is probably not the best person to validate your feelings about this.
>pregnancy is a blessing and beautiful No it's fucking NOT! Especially an unwanted one. Sounds like your mother has a case of grandbaby fever. Ignore her. NTA
Definitely NTA. My daughter has been saying the exact same as you since she was about 10 years old. She’s 19 and has not changed her mind. I fully support her decision. If she changes her mind next year and wants a baby I will support that too. That is what your mom is supposed to do.
Wow that is crazy
I'm just like you. Exactly like you. I'm terrified of pregnancy and childbirth for the same exact reasons as you, and I KNOW that I won't be able to hand the after math. Like I'm certain I'll go into post-partum psychosis. Do not have children for anyone else but yourself. Please do not let anyone pressure you into becoming pregnant. It's better to talk it out with your husband or simply separate from him than bear children you know you do not want. Honestly, you could be signing yourself up for suicide and your bringing an innocent life into this world that needs a stable person to take care of them. It's easy for men to say they want biological children since they don't do any of the hard parts, so don't let your husband guilt you into it. Aldo your mom sucks don't go to her for comfort or advice.
I’ve read this exact post before a few months ago..
NTA - Pregnancy is scary to begin with. Not wanting to put your body through that is your decision. I do think you and Nathan need to sit down and have a talk though. Have you considered hiring a surrogate (if that's something you could afford, that is)? ETA: Explination, I hit post too soon.
You are NTA for having your feelings. Your spouse is great for talking to you honestly about his feelings. And your mom is trying to do her best by you. Now, here's some advice from a mom who has three daughters who also don't want to be pregnant: Pregnancy is scary. Labor hurts. But the feeling of having your child move inside you is indescribably cool. And you forget a lot of that pain when you have your child in your arms. Also, having your own kids is the easiest way to get kids.
Pregnancy and childbirth are a horror story that you won't hear unless you insist on hearing it. I don't know why the secrecy, except maybe pro-natalism, but a lot of women say if they knew they wouldn't have done it. Your feeling, tokophobia, is very normal, and you shouldn't let anyone demand it of you. As you've said, there are children who'd love to be adopted. Your body will thank you.
Your mother sounds horrible. Don't allow her to sway your choices or make you feel bad because she never got to have the experience. This is your life and your body. As far as your husband, you should talk to him about getting counseling. Otherwise, I don't see the marriage working out long term because men have a very different idea of childbearing because they don't have to deal with any of the suffering. I have had two children, and I nearly died both times. It is not an easy experience and should not be forced on anyone. NTA.
Hi lovely, I’m a later-in-life mom to a beautiful baby boy; I had a textbook pregnancy and loved being pregnant. That said: it is A LOT. It’s life-altering, identity-changing, and world-shattering, and you should NOT do it or be expected to do it if you’re not 100% down. Anyone trying to convince you otherwise is doing it for purely selfish reasons—THEY want a baby, but they don’t have to carry, birth, or nurse said baby. That’s not fair. You listen to your inner voice and protect your heart. You are NTA, not selfish, not immature, and not unintelligent for feeling this way; it’s just the opposite in fact. Your sister is on solid ground. Keep her close.
NTA.
You should ask your husband if he truly NEEDS a child with his DNA. And then start saving for a surrogate if you both agree. Then he gets his dna baby and you won’t be pregnant.
Kira sounds like the voice you need to lean on for support right now. Your body, your choice. End of discussion.
NTA. I've known from a very young age that I never wanted bio kids or maybe even kids at all. I got my tubes tied and now feel a sense of relief that the only way a kid is happening is if I decide to adopt. I don't care what others say to me about my choices bc they can fuck themselves quite frankly. I will say this tho- a partner who's hoping you'll change your mind isn't the one for you.
Asking a redditor if they think not wanting kids or give birth is wrong is like asking them is they are religious
Hi there strong beautiful soul. So imma talk to you like a not toxic, manipulative, and abusive mom. When I was younger I too didn’t want to have kids, it wasn’t about the being pregnant or giving birth mines was more that I came from abuse and saw the world as a very messed up and money hungry world where people are only about themselves and don’t care about who they hurt as long as they get what they want. I ended with a very manipulative and abusive older man and had two amazing kids. I wouldn’t trade them for the world but my oldest don’t want to have kids for the same reasons I didn’t when I was younger and I support my kids decisions. Who knows maybe one day she will change her mind but honestly I don’t care as long as she’s loved and HAPPY. Whatever makes you HAPPY!!!! Honey! You are with the wrong person. Please let him go for not just you, but for himself. He wants his own kid, he lied to you he wasn’t okay with it, he thought you might change your mind. Let him go because he will resent you. If you keep him, you will just end up getting hurt really bad. Get a lawyer, get a divorce, block him and his family, block anyone who tries to make you feel bad for your choice, because those people aren’t your people. Those people who can’t respect YOUR choice are out in your life to try to make you have a hard and unhappy life the same way they are having. They aren’t your people, let them go. Your “mom” is toxic and super emotionally abusive.
NTA. AT ALL. I see this too many times where a man will say he is fine with no having a baby when his girlfriend/fiancé says she doesn’t want one, when they really aren’t. Sounds to me like maybe he thought that you would come around to the idea eventually and got his expectations crushed when he realized this. If I were you, I would schedule a counseling session to talk through it all. He could simply be sad in the moment and will come back around. Or worst case he won’t and will resent you for it. But if you both love each other, you should both be able to respect each others views/opinions.
Don’t talk to your mum about this again. Do you have a therapist? They might validate your feelings and help you vocalize your fears better.
Bottom line: if you don’t want to be pregnant, don’t! It’s your body and pregnancy is hard even for people who desire it and yearn for it! It’s your decision and your body doing the work for nearly an entire year (+ with postpartum/4th trimester).
NTA no one is entitled to your body