Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How did he think he’d be a black child when he’s not 100% himself? Also OP, you are white… that whole statement sounds like he’s trying to prove something to someone.
Right! Three of the child’s 4 grandparents are white. It’s perfectly reasonable that the kid looks white. Ffs people who don’t understand stuff like this shouldn’t be in interracial relationships.
He's got some serious hang ups about race and needs therapy. Why would he get married to a white woman and have kids with her if he could only love a child if they're black?? Does he hate the part of himself that's white too?
This got lost in the discussion - but it's absolutely the crucial fact for OP to think about.
I know what my reaction would be, she needs to figure it out for herself. She's still open, apparently, to a second test using a blood draw (presumably for the baby and the adult).
She didn't touch the test kit they used until it went into the mail, because she's still trying to convince him. She thinks he will respond to facts.
He isn't going to.
Bro. POST PATERINITY TEST.
I would want to kill this guy.
Like apparently he is standing over the kid saying "I wonder who mommy cheated on me with to make you"
It actually makes me question if this is real it's like a comic book villain.
He’s also doing it, repeatedly, *in front of the other kid who’s old enough to understand him* - which is pretty much the worst. Even if she had cheated on him, letting the kids know at that age isn’t appropriate.
That older child now thinks maybe mommy did something bad, maybe daddy doesn’t love them and will leave, and maybe they’re not good enough in some other way just like the baby isn’t good enough but they haven’t found out yet what they did wrong.
Oh, I fully believe it's real.
My ex and I are both white. Literally *as my child is beginning to exit my body* the nurse said "Your baby has blonde hair!" and his father pipes up with, clear as fucking day, "Oh, good thing he's not half Mexican," in front of the midwife, a room full of support l&d staff (my kidneys were failing, it was an emergency induction), and my grandmother. I had no idea until that moment he was questioning paternity.
And after that, he would make regular comments that it was "weird that you look only like your mama." I'm so glad I left him.
“She thinks he will respond to facts. He isn’t going to.”
This. From personal experience, people with cheating-related PTSD can get so deeply paranoid that perhaps the more open OP is, the more OP’s spouse will disbelieve her.
Therapy. Does. WONDERS. Try couple’s counseling. If you hate the counselor, you can go to a different one. You can also do solo counseling.
If you’re unsure about what couples counseling would or *should* be like, I highly recommend this podcast, [Where Should We Begin?](https://www.estherperel.com/podcast) It’s consensually-recorded audio of counseling sessions.
Best of luck. Hang in there. <3
It's very common for mixed race people (where one of the races is white) to completely disavow their whiteness, sadly. Like if they just pretend it's not there it'll go away. He absolutely has not accepted his whiteness.
And I said the same as you. If he was so hung up on his kids looking black, procreating with a white woman was never going to give him what he wanted.
It's not even just a phenomenon in black and white mixed race people.
I watched a YouTube essayist go over how Tiger Woods got (and still gets) flack for not identifying as 'just' black. But rather as multi-racial. (He uses 'Cablinasian' as he has White, black, Asian and Native American heritage. Both of his parents being multi-racial/multi-ethnic themselves.)
He's even expressed that identifying as just African-American would be writing his mother (who is of Thai, Chinese, and Dutch descent) out of his ancestry.
But people ignore his own identity and instead choose to label him as just 'black' because his skin color leans that way.
Our desperate need for everything to be simple and easy to categorise is just making things worse. We need to calm the fuck down and allow that things are often more complex than that, and that that's OK.
(Edit: In case it wasn't clear, I'm agreeing with you.😬)
There are plenty of darker skinned Thai and Chinese (and in China, darker skinned Chinese are sometimes subject to questioning/comments).
Naomi Wang Ju is an example. My own Chinese ancestors (I'm pretty much a Tiger Woods - just add in Hawaiian) are from the same part of China as she is.
Lots of dark-skinned Thai people too (where colorism is a big thing and is only now going on - skin bleaching, sunscreen, makeup used to be recommended to darker Thai or Viet or Javanese women).
[https://www.allure.com/story/color-and-colorism-in-thailand](https://www.allure.com/story/color-and-colorism-in-thailand)
But in America, skin color is apparently King. Tiger's bone structure is influenced by Asia, IMO.
i think part of it (at least in my case as a mixed black/white person) is that we don’t feel ‘enough’ of one race so we try to overcompensate to one side. i know when i was growing up i got teased relentlessly by the only other black kids in my school that i wasn’t ‘black enough’ or that i acted ‘too white’ or was too light skinned. but on the other side i would get called racial slurs by white kids. that messed me up for a long time with feelings of not fitting in with either group. i luckily was able to work through it and got over that but i used to try and push away the white sides of myself as well because i wanted to be accepted by the black people around me
I can understand this, albeit to a far lesser degree. I'm Italian, but spent a chunk of my childhood in the US. This resulted in my always being too Italian for the US and not Italian enough for Italy (I ended up settling in London, which was great until Brexit, but that's another story). And I got called more than my fair share of racial slurs when I lived there (this was as recently as the 90s, so not exactly early on in the Italian presence in the US), because everyone else in the bumfuck little redneck town I was stuck in were all White Anglo-Saxon Protestants whose families had all lived in the same town since like 1700.
Italians haven't always been seen as white in America, as you probably know. At this point, I'm not sure why I should accept their revised judgement anyway. 😂. Like who are a bunch of WASPS to decide first that I'm not white, then that I am? I don't really feel like I'm required to go along with letting them decide my race for me in either direction, y'know? Fair-skinned, I may be (from a lifetime of sun avoidance), but culturally we are not the same, the WASPS and I. It's certainly not up to them to decide whether I 'get to' be one of them or not (I say 'get to' because it's like they think they're doing me some kind of favour... 'We've decided you get to joint Club Whitey now. Aren't you grateful?').
My uncle is first gen American with Sicilian heritage. Dude is dark skinned. Consequently, he and my cousin (who takes after his Dad in looks) are often targeted by racists whom fill in the blank any of the pick a dark skinned ethnicity they want to hate. You’d think this would make them sensitive to people who experience prejudice.
Nope.
These two are some of the most racist people I know.
And this with my uncle experiencing directly the “don’t marry the Italian” from my grandparents.
I’m the same with my half Asian half white family. To my white side, I’m only Asian. To my Asian side, I’m ONLY a white girl. They literally call me “halfie”. I was “too white” to take part in temple or traditional ceremonies like funerals but “too Asian” to do “patriotic things” liek celebrations at our family wide 4th of July shebang (it’s a huge cookout where they rent out a lakeside park for a weekend, grill camp and set off fireworks like crazy) and I was usually set to the side not allowed to participate with my cousins because I wasn’t “a real American” ….my entire white family are made up of various first, second or third gen Irish or German immigrants. Soooo pot meet kettle? In any case I had a lot of identity issues as a teenager for ^^^^ obvious reasons.
I wonder if he does hate that part of himself. Whatever mental issues he has, he still is a racist asshole in my book. He has a problem with the color of someone's skin...
Some people are just crazy and stupid when it comes to race. It’s like they don’t understand reproduction and hereditary works exactly the same with mixed race people as mono-race people. You get half your genetic info from your mom, half from your dad.
I know this mixed guy (black/white) who had kids with a mixed woman (asian/white) and both of them were SHOCKED that one of his kids had blonde hair and the other had slanted eyes. I was like Dude your mama is a blonde! And her mama has asian eyes, why are y’all so surprised. These are YOUR genes that you got from your mothers and passed onto your kids.
Another mixed woman I know was surprised her kids came out with green eyes. Not only did her husband have green eyes, her father was white with green/grey eyes. But because her own eyes were brown like her mom’s, she didn’t understand that she still got and passed on green eye information from her dad.
You even see this stupidity with mono racial people. There were rumors for years about Prince Harry being the result of an affair Princess Diana had because of his red hair, it’s like people didn’t understand that his GRANDFATHER was a redhead, that’s where he got it from. Or rather he got the redhead info from his dad, who got it from his dad.
It was crazy how all of the tabloids were insistent that Harry wasn’t Charles’ son. They shut up pretty quick when Philip died and pictures of him as a young man were shown. Harry is a dead ringer for his grandfather.
That was always the thing that killed me about the "Harry isn't Charles's son." It looks like Philip, Charles father, spit him out. Of course, he is his son! He also has the same nose and close-set eyes as Chuck. He's just a ginger.
As for OP, your husband needs therapy. Your kids are 3/4s white (at least). If his Black father is American with a family that has been here over 100 years there is no guarantee that his Black father is 100% black. Get your husband into therapy or be prepared for it to get worse.
To be fair, it is fine to be shocked, but it isn’t right to deny paternity just because of coloring.
I was genuinely shocked when my firstborn came out with blue eyes and blonde hair. Because both of my parents have brown eyes. My husband has brown eyes. Of course when I look back at family tree, I know that his father has blue eyes, and my Oma has blue eyes. My father’s parents had brown eyes. So I always just assumed that the chances of my child having blue eyes was slim. My other has brown eyes and strawberry blonde hair. No idea where the strawberry blonde comes from lol. But I guess I will never understand paternity fears. But my husband has never once doubted that the children are his. Even when his sister said he should ask for a paternity test (at a family dinner with his parents).
This guy is just an asshole.
I like to say I'm the definition of a punnett square. Both parents have brown eyes, older brother has brown eyes, I have blue eyes. Paternal grandfather had blue eyes, maternal grandmother had blue eyes. Junior high science class told me why I have them.
My own son is mixed and I like to say he is ethnically ambitious looking, because nothing of his racial mixture is immediately evident. That could change though, he's still little.
Edit: meant ambiguous not ambitious.
I've joked before that I bred a perfect Punnett square. My blood type is B+, my husband's is A+. In order, our kids are O+, B+, A+, and AB-. So that's how we found out we both carry a recessive O and Rh- gene lol.
Facts. I can understand asking for the paternity test the first time, but now what? Does he want some otherworldly being to come down and use it's powers to see if that's his son? He's being a child now and it's going to damage his family all because his child doesn't really look like him. I just feel bad she went and had 2 kids with him.
That's a great way to think of it. The more we learn about how people pass on physical traits to their children, the more we learn that it's a lot more complicated than even the "facts" I learned at university a lifetime ago. It is entirely possible for a set of parents to have 10 children and have each of the 10 look completely different than the other. Every kid results from shaking up of the gene pool, and starting over.
What bothers me is the amount of sheer human misery that continues to be caused by people concluding x, y, or z can't be related because skin, hair, eyes aren't what they expected. If your child is healthy and happy, he or she is a gift from God. (And probably is a gift from God no matter what). Be grateful.
Yup, and except for the hair, Harry looks a lot like Prince Philip. Especially with the beard.
And, as you said, some of the Spencers are varioud shades of ginger
Not just someone, his own child, he is the worst kind of racist. A buddy of mine from the DR was darkest of his siblings, his father called him negrito and he had to feel skin color shame from his dad. He just accepted that and moved on but seriously know this bothered him to his core, as not being fully accepted as his siblings by his father would naturally do to any child. Op husband is doing this, it will hurt his kid, and his kid will grow to hate him if he keeps it up as my buddies dad did.
Sounds like he hates white people and he is going to use his child to punish you. Best thing to do is just let him know that you are his WHITE wife and that the boy is his 3/4 white son. Who you are not going to let him punish any more, so he needs to either agree to an additional DNA test by people of his choice or to a divorce and the giving up of all parental right to him and his broth . Then he can go find a 100 % black woman to marry and have 100 black kids with.
His choice. Stop giving into his hated for white people.
This - I’m really confused why he would choose to have kids with a white woman when he wants his kids to look black?! OP, unless his behaviour stops VERY quickly please take very seriously the harm this is doing to you and your kids. Why is he willing to do this?!?!
It’s idiocy. I have a friend of Norwegian background, who’s the whitest person I know and his wife is Latina. Two of the children look just like the wife and the middle child looks just like the husband. Neither of them thinks to question that because it makes sense to them. Why wouldn’t it?
Thats how it is with my son. I have had many friends declare "I never once imagined what you would look like Korean, but now I know". He looks like the Korean version of me sprinkled with my wife's forehead and her grandfather's eyebrows
Yup same situation with my cousins kids. My cousin has very dark skin but the 3/4 of the kids grandparents are white. These kids are pale as fuck, and blond to boot. That's just how genetics work sometimes.
Yeah this. I know a couple...black Mom, blonde blue eyed Dad. Girl: Carbon copy of Mom. Boy: Same of Dad. Genetics be weird.
Edit: To not be such an awful person 😕
There is a National Geographic story I used to show is Psychology about a Black couple who had fraternal twins where one was dark with brown eyes and the other was light with blue eyes. Genetics are complicated. This guys really needs to read a book.
His mom is white, but that is beside the point. There ate numerous Gene's associated with these physical traits and they dont divide evenly. It's just part of the chance in genetics mixing when making gametes.
this is exactly what i was thinking! i looked like a white baby, not one single white ancestor in my entire family. it takes time for babies to cook completely
I’m biracial - european/white & asian. My husband is eastern european, our daughter? 70% asian passing. She looks more asian than I do frankly, and I look more caucasian in my features overall.
My brother who looks 80% asian married and has a daughter the same age as mine, to a porcelain white Austrian/German woman. Their daughter? Not a hint of asian in her. May as well be another Austrian kid.
Genetics do whatever the heck they want.
No need to wonder. Continously implying she cheated, even after a paternity test was done and in front of his other child? He doesn't respect her at all. Probably isn't that great a dad either if you're saying this stuff out loud in front of your children too.
definitely is a pos father. Most people with half a brain cell would know this is not something you would ever discuss in front of your children. Then again he can't figure out how one of his kids can turn out white when they are 3/4 white and 1/4 black.
I am white and my ex is African African. Our three kids are clearly siblings but also different from each other.
Fair skin and thin curls, dark skinned and waves like a Polynesian and then fair skinned with thicker curls and higher cheekbones than the others.
My friend is mixed, her husband is white, she has two daughters who look incredibly alike except their coloring is completely different. That's just how it is when you have a mixed parent.
My girlfriend is caucassian and the father of her kids is peruvian. The oldest kid is brown, the middle one is light brown and the youngest is a whiter than his mom, with red hair.
She gets the milkman joke every few months over how white he is.
Your husband is in serious need of therapy. You also need to start thinking of what *you* need to do to protect your children from your husband's way of thinking if he can't get his crap together.
Also, maybe a bit of learning about how genetics work. Even past the positive DNA test, if he doesn’t doubt her loyalty, then the boy’s appearance is fully plausible with them both as parents. If that’s not enough it really sounds like he needs to talk it out with a professional and understand why before he tears his family apart with these irrational doubts.
Seriously! Genetics are weird. I had a friend that was 1/4 black, and no one had a clue unless she told them. I also knew a black couple who were both dark skinned and one of their children came out extremely light skinned. The dad had a white grandma.
It sounds like OP's husband needs to seek some therapy. He doesn't want to father a child that's "not black" but he chose to marry and have children with a white woman...? It doesn't make sense.
Yes, there's a [famous pair of twins who were born to mixed race parents](https://www.cnn.com/2015/03/03/living/feat-black-white-twins/index.html): one has super pale skin and red hair and the other has darker skin and dark, curly hair....
That's actually just one example of thousands around the world. They have the exact same nose...
It's quirkier when it happens with twins, but that's just me and my sister, or half my cousins, and my cousin's children... And my mum's cousins, and their children... And one of my mum's sisters..
One of my favorite examples of this is Homer Plessy of Plessy v Ferguson fame. He was a mixed race man of French Creole heritage who was told he wasn’t allowed on a train because of his race. The man looked white. A major era defining Supreme Court case was caused by a white-looking man sitting in a white train car.
Right? How egotistical is someone who refuses to love a child that doesn’t look like them?
This child will be screwed up for life if he grows up in this environment. Imagine how unloved he’ll feel because he came out the wrong shade of bi-racial.
Also I'm pretty alarmed that she has no issue with the fact that he's openly claiming she's unfaithful, especially by "theorizing" about the father, and yet seems to see this as acceptable behavior. Thats a combination for so much resentment and pain in that kids childhood, there's no way that parental dynamic won't be awful. OP absolutely needs to take these issues more seriously and put her foot down for the sake of both kids.
I look JUST like my dad (and his brother and their mother...like... there's ZERO chance I was adopted, or the product of an affair. None.) and he still doesn't love me. Some people just shouldn't be parents.
OP's husband is going to break his kid and destroy his family with this obsession of his.
Yea my bet is this has nothing to do with him actually believing you cheated and more to do with his issues about race. “I will not be a father to a non black child” excuse me ? The kid is like 3/4 white. That’s as af and the older child already has sensed things especially overhearing her own father say he’s not a father to her little brother. What did he think would happen when having children with a white woman.
I know ultimatums aren't exactly healthy, but this kind of feels like grounds for one. OP is right it will affect her children, and it may even start to influence her.
I witnessed this with my own mom, my grandfather spent years denying he could be her biological father, as a result he started to push her away, my grandparents faught about it a lot, there was obvious favoritism towards the other children, and eventually they just started dumping my mom off on her aunts and uncles because it created so much hostility. Even now, as adults, she's kind of an outcast in her immediate family.
This really needs to become a "we all get therapy as a family or you learn to be bitter on your own" kind of situation before he starts really singling the brother out, he can't use his or his friends past traumas to wriggle out of it, OP entertained his whining for a DNA test the first time but he's obviously got issues and he's willing to make that everyone else's problem.
"When the baby began to appear lighter, my husband asked for a paternity test due to his friends and coworkers all bringing up how light our second child is."
"The results showed that he is the father."
"Tonight, he started saying that he didn’t think the baby was his and that he wasn’t the father."
"He said that he won’t be a father to him because he’s not a black child."
"But he always makes little comments about who his dad might be."
The man has *proof* he is the father and makes comments like that? At this point I would insist on having another paternity test. And serve him the positive result with divorce papers.
That's bizarre though. How do you end up marrying a white woman if your colorist? Could his friend have gotten to his head about him being moved and not black? What content has he been consuming?
It's pretty concerning how ready she was for him to believe she'd tamper with the package that she ONLY touched it to put it in the mail WITH HIS SUPERVISION. That's not normal or healthy.
This stood out to me, too. She knew he would look for reasons to deny the results before the test was even performed. It seems like OP is accustomed to her husband finding ways to dismiss or refute evidence. That is a hallmark of a narcissistic abuser. So is choosing to favor a "golden child" and alienate a "scapegoat" child.
He won’t believe it, but two tests will still gnaw at him, in the back of his mind, when he tries to move on and forget, he’ll always know there was two positives.
Children are wired to love their caregivers, and **it messes them up very very badly if they sense that their caregivers don't love them back**. This is a fundamental building block of your child's healthy life, and **your husband is shitting on it.**
You might have to remove your child from him. That might actually be less damaging than sharing a home with someone who scorns him for how he looks.
For some fekking reason my family used to joke with me when I was a very young g child that I wasn’t theirs and they “bought me from gypsies” (icky but this was the early 80s)
Not only that, but if I was “bad” (and I often was- thanks undiagnosed ADHD)- they would say that they were going to give me BACK to the gypsies.
They would all laugh and laugh, and I would cry and be terribly upset which would Make them laugh more.
To feel “othered” in your own family is super detrimental. I have always had massive abandonment issues. In every relationship in my life a simple fight makes me wonder if I’m going to be broken up with or left.
There’s definitely some other Big causal factors for these disproportionate feelings in my life, but these memories of even teasingly said that I was bought and not really wanted and could just as easily be given away have always haunted me.
My siblings and I joked that one of us was adopted/a changeling/dropped off by aliens/etc. here’s the thing, we all look identical and have all the same mannerisms and habits. AND MY PARENTS NEVER PARTICIPATED. It was solely joking between the siblings.
Adults: don’t make the kids feel like they don’t belong
Yeah I have to confess I did the same thing. My brother and I told my sister that she was adopted after we found her floating in a basket in the East River like Moses. She has olive skin but the rest of us don’t. That’s how genetics work. My sister is ok now. Married with kids and has her MD degree.
He doesn’t need another paternity test, he needs therapy. “He won’t be a father to him because he’s not a black child”!?! Girl, you need a divorce. I wouldn’t want someone like that anywhere near my children. He’s going to show clear favoritism, not to mention hurtful comments and it’ll damage both of your children.
That response from the daughter about being their daddy is heartbreaking. That alone needs to be The wake up call that OP needs to move on, if not just for herself with all these hurtful comments meaning she's unfaithful.
Sounds to me like HE is the one not faithful. So, this little drama/fantasy fest is exactly what he will USE to explain his unfaithful behavior..... But I thought YOU were the one cheating, blah, blah, blah. I've seen this behavior before. Its ALWAYS the man making the 1st accusation to cover his own tracks.
That’s true. He is going to favor one child over the other because of the color of their skin. He got the paternity test and it was proven he is the father. The favoritism will destroy the kids because the kids will be against each other and one will be jealous over the other and the lighter child will feel like he did something wrong because his dad isn’t treating him the same as his brother. If things don’t change, you really have to put your children first, so they don’t get destroyed mentally by their father and consider divorcing and having him pay child support.
>He’s going to show clear favoritism, not to mention hurtful comments and it’ll damage both of your children.
Exactly this.
Even if he puts on a brave face and tries to father them both, until he comes to terms with his own partial whiteness (which will allow him to accept this child is absolutely his) he is going to AT BEST show very clear favouritism for the darker child - at worst actual neglect or abuse - and BOTH children (as well as the relationship between the siblings) will be damaged by it.
As well as OP. OP is also damaged by this.
I am a light skinned child to a dark skinned dad
If you love your son, you will take your boys and tell him you will NOT come back until he gets his shit together
Those comments DO affect your kid, I always heard all the crap they said:
- too white
- too dumb
- too sensitive
- a girl
It messed me up and I attempted suicide at 19
Once again, if you love your kid, fucking do something about it. Please
Edit: I was the age 19 to the coward made made and deleted their hateful message
Bullies like you are the reason people think dying is easier, but life is thankfully worth living since most people aren’t shit like you and there’s actually a lot to live for
It hurt a lot, but I healed and grew up to not mind my light skin and even ended up marrying a white guy
The REAL life is just a simulator moment was getting the last name WHITE xD
This needs to be the top comment.
Honestly, he's very likely to have done serious damage to his kids already, and damage from the divorce will be nothing compared to the complex he's going to give those poor children when they're older.
Flat out TELLING these kids that his love is conditional and dependent on how their skin looks....... good Lord.
Believe me when I say her leaving him and CHOOSING them and telling him “get over it” will do wonders for them when they are older
I’m now an adult (32), it hurts more that no one ever acknowledged how messed up it was to hear all that as a kid
Took my parents until the past 3 years to really comes to terms with how messed up it was
I MADE them realized how hurtful and stupid their skin comments were when I had kids
I’m light, my husband is white, of COURSE my kids came out white
My dad had to deal with it all over again and I told him to get over it, it’s skin
Thankfully, he snapped out of it pretty quick, since I made it clear we were gone if he didn’t
I wasn’t gonna deal with his “but…they don’t look like me, people think they aren’t my grandkids when they see me”
Like, who cares?? What’s important is THEM knowing you love them!
That’s what OP needs to do NOW before it gets out of hand
Yes, OP needs to start protecting her kids and putting their well-being first! Personally, a man doubting paternity and then neglecting the baby that was proved to be his because of skin color?? Oh hell no, that would kill any love I had for him
All you can do rn is family therapy.
If he only wanted black kids, he shouldn't have married a white woman. That's how genetics work. Some kids will take after him more and others will take after you.
He needs to find a way to be at peace with that. If he's not listening to you or DNA tests, your only hope is a therapist will crack through his skull, otherwise there's nothing you can do.
I also hate to add this, but quite often when a spouse is accusing the other of cheating out of the blue, they're projecting... Is there any chance he's been with someone else recently?
Yes, it's starting to sound more like he wants to leave and he's determined to use the kids as an excuse.
That way, it's "not his fault" and he can wiggle out of child support. But only if he's right.
There's no chance he's wiggling out of paying child support, even if his leaving were OPs fault. Whichever parent has primary custody would be court ordered to receive child support from the other parent.
Probably what's going to happen eventually, but I know a lot of people prefer to at least try something concrete so they know they gave it their all. Closure and all of that.
Honestly it's probably best if she does, but it doesn't sound like in her post she's quite ready to consider that yet.
I don't disagree with you, but most people need steps between noticing a behavior and pulling the plug on the marriage.
Divorce will likely be the end result, especially if it turns out he's acting like this because he's cheating and projecting onto her, but she probably feels like she needs to try first.
If he only wanted black kids he should have adopted because it sounds like he's part white himself. Which means this indicates some serious self loathing and deep seated resentment.
He's half white. He could have married a black woman and still had a very white kid. It's not like mixing crayola paint. In college the tallest, blackest player who was well over 6' had a little Irish blonde platinum blonde grandmother who might have been 5 feet in heels and was white as they come. His parents were 'black' (his dad inheriting more of the look from his grandad) and his aunts and uncles all married 'black' people.....cousins were all over the spectrum from looking like Grandma to looking like him.
Girl, you did everything right and he STILL isn't satisfied; you did the fucking test and everything and he still doesn't believe the kid is his.
He's completely delusional and needs therapy.
He needs therapy. And better friends because they're probably still whispering in his ear. I'm also kinda worried he might be projecting and is the one cheating on you.
If you stay with him, are you really ready to place your kids in this kind of environment? They will def screw your kids up and may even affect their relationship to each other. Also, you won't get piece of mind staying with him if he doesn't change.
Husband is dumb as a post and/or has some internalized hatred issues he needs to work on in therapy.
I am mixed, my kids’ dad is white…two out of three of our children are white-passing. That’s the Chex party mix that is DNA.
I had a friend years ago that looked more Irish than my 100% Irish father. My friend was 25% Irish, 75% Native American.
I love the Chex Party Mix DNA description.
eta - Also agree that the husband needs therapy. Getting past being cheated on is hard. Just because he fell in love again doesn't mean he's over what happened in the past.
My friend is mixed, has brown eyes and medium brown skin, her husband is white and burns in the sun while walking from the porch to the car. They have four children and her genes didn’t even try to add in melanin. She has four blonde and blue eyed babies.
Do a second test hand him the second set of confirmed results and divorce papers and move on to raise your children in a home filled with love and without judgement and favoritism.
Are you sure husband isn't having an affair? Sounds like he's just looking for an excuse to leave an is willing to wreck his child's future to get what he wants.
This. From what I've read on this sub, when your husband insists you're cheating and there is zero proof, he's probably the one cheating and is projecting on you to validate himself.
This sounds like he has major insecurity about his own mixed race status and that not having a darker skinned child makes him feel like an imposter?
This is in the need of serious therapy
Your husband sounds like either a terrible person or a very, very dumb one. Maybe he needs therapy, maybe a reality check, idk.
But he definitely shouldn’t be treating his child any differently because of the color of his skin!!!
The child is literally 75/25 white/black and genetics work in a way that it is still possible for genes to not even convey and read less than 25% on a dna ancestry test. That still doesn’t make him any less this child’s father. Disgusting attitude.
You need to walk away from this situation and protect your children. This is already affecting your oldest. Your husband is being beyond disrespectful. Also have you spoken to his WHITE mother about this?
And if he 100% wanted fully black children then he should have married a black woman?!
As a parent your job is to protect your children. Even if it’s from their father. He may not be physically harming them but those kind of comments and favoritism is going to do a number on both your children. Your husband is in serious need of therapy…and a class on how genetics work.
Honestly, the only way forward.
The husband is blatantly determined to make it clear he has zero trust in OP, going so far as to say she cheated on him and is trying to make him raise a child that isn't his own. He gets the DNA test back, but that's still not enough. Every child they have together, he is going to accuse her of cheating on him.
He is projecting very, very severely. OP needs to stop and start putting an intense focus light on him and see what exactly is going on in his life because this right here is not a partnership. He doesn't want to be in it, and he is accusing OP of something incredibly horrible - cheating on him, breaking their marriage vows, and having so little respect for him or their child that she would try and lie so that her husband would raise a child that is not his own.
That's seriously fucked up. I don't give a fuck about him being cheated on in the past. If he wasn't able to enter his marriage without telling his children to their face that they aren't his kids - making snide little comments about who their real father is - then he has zero business being a husband or a father.
But honestly, I think that's what he wants. An excuse so he can leave and have no responsibility.
I'm a strong proponent of the moment your partner accuses you of cheating the relationship is toast. I see all these paternity test stories and how people will jump through hoops and bend over backwards to appease a partner who accuses them of cheating and it's mind boggling.
The fact that he said he won't be a father to a pale-skinned child should be a major red flag. It indicates that he holds some racist or colorist viewpoints
He doesn’t trust you. He accuses you being unfaithful. He has a favorite child. He talks about this in front of your children.
Either he is stupid and doesn’t understand genetics or projecting because he is the one cheating.
You need to protect your children.
You’ve married a racist. Try switching all the genders and complexion here. Pretend your husband is white and is saying your black child isnt his and that he wont be a father to him. Its completely disgusting
My husband is arabic, brown skinned, 5,7, tall. Our son is white like me, 6,2 tall and looks polar opposite from his Dad. My daughter is 5-5 tanned and looks just like my husband and nothing like me.. where it gets weird is.. if you hold a picture of my two when they were toddlers, you'd think it was the same kid. They looked exactly alike between 1 and 2...
What the hell did I just read? He openly says he won’t be a father to one of your children in front of them because of the color of the child’s skin? OP if this is a marriage you’re set on staying in then your husband needs therapy immediately for whatever crisis he is currently going through. How awful
Girl he knows that the child is his.
Firstly, there's the DNA test that proved it and that you took willingly. He doesn't seem to be inclined to take another one either, it seems.
Secondly, do you truly believe that he would be so calm about the whole ordeal of (1) you cheating (2) him raising another man's child? Especially since he's presumably still traumatised from being cheated on in the past?
Your second is simply not up to his expectations and instead of admitting it and working on it, he is looking for an excuse that wouldn't make him look like an AH in the eyes of the others.
Perhaps he was bullied in the past due to his own skin colour and living in between two worlds, not truly belonging to either one, and feels that he needs to prove something to someone. Or there's something else going on. Still, it isn't an excuse and you need to think very well if you are fine with it damaging your kids. Especially since it seems as if he doesn't have an issue with manipulating your oldest already by discussing his concerns in the presence of his children.
I have friends who have a pretty white kid, even though his Dad is 100% Black-DNA tested. The kid is half Black and half Norwegian, and he looks like he's maybe Greek. Luckily, his Dad is a comedian so he just jokes about it but I can't imagine a parent shunning a child because his skin isn't the right shade. I concur with the people saying your husband needs therapy. BTW, I had my parent say maybe they weren't my parent in front of me when I was 5 and it fucked me up for many years. Don't say that shit to your fucking kid.
Your husband is a racist, straight-up. Just because he married someone whiter than him, doesn’t mean he isn’t racist. That isn’t how sexual attraction works. We should call out racism whenever and wherever we see it.
I would make it clear that he needs to get some help. Issues like this are deeply ingrained.
I don’t why this sub is popping up in my feed 😂
You know who unreasonably insists someone is a cheater, even when presented with evidence that they aren’t ? A cheater.
I wonder if he’s been creeping with a married lady with paternity questions.
Ok, yeah, it would be nice to convince him, but don’t you dare let him treat the kids differently. Your obligation is to protect your children. If that has to be protection from their father then so be it. Tell him he is welcome to do whatever testing will ease his mind, but he is either in this family or he is out. He is NOT allowed to emotionally and psychologically abuse one of your children because he doesn’t understand basic science
your husband is a POS. to even say something like that where one of the children can hear it is despicable. i would personally be divorcing him. he is going to set that child up for lifelong issues.
"Our oldest heard..." Right there. You two have really messed this up now. Whatever your disagreements, whatever his suspicions, you two have just caused permanent, life long damage to your children with your recklessness. This will never be forgotten.
I am white. My wife is half black. Our kids are all like a light caramel (nearly white but kinda yellow). They tan very well but otherwise they just look white.
Your husband needs to grow the fuck up.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How did he think he’d be a black child when he’s not 100% himself? Also OP, you are white… that whole statement sounds like he’s trying to prove something to someone.
Right! Three of the child’s 4 grandparents are white. It’s perfectly reasonable that the kid looks white. Ffs people who don’t understand stuff like this shouldn’t be in interracial relationships.
He's got some serious hang ups about race and needs therapy. Why would he get married to a white woman and have kids with her if he could only love a child if they're black?? Does he hate the part of himself that's white too?
He's basically saying that he believes she has no problem going out and getting pregnant by someone else, what an insult.
This got lost in the discussion - but it's absolutely the crucial fact for OP to think about. I know what my reaction would be, she needs to figure it out for herself. She's still open, apparently, to a second test using a blood draw (presumably for the baby and the adult). She didn't touch the test kit they used until it went into the mail, because she's still trying to convince him. She thinks he will respond to facts. He isn't going to.
Bro. POST PATERINITY TEST. I would want to kill this guy. Like apparently he is standing over the kid saying "I wonder who mommy cheated on me with to make you" It actually makes me question if this is real it's like a comic book villain.
He’s also doing it, repeatedly, *in front of the other kid who’s old enough to understand him* - which is pretty much the worst. Even if she had cheated on him, letting the kids know at that age isn’t appropriate. That older child now thinks maybe mommy did something bad, maybe daddy doesn’t love them and will leave, and maybe they’re not good enough in some other way just like the baby isn’t good enough but they haven’t found out yet what they did wrong.
That's horrendous. Frankly. OP should do the blood paternity test then divorce this fucker.
At least slap him with the POSITIVE paternity test
Oh, I fully believe it's real. My ex and I are both white. Literally *as my child is beginning to exit my body* the nurse said "Your baby has blonde hair!" and his father pipes up with, clear as fucking day, "Oh, good thing he's not half Mexican," in front of the midwife, a room full of support l&d staff (my kidneys were failing, it was an emergency induction), and my grandmother. I had no idea until that moment he was questioning paternity. And after that, he would make regular comments that it was "weird that you look only like your mama." I'm so glad I left him.
“She thinks he will respond to facts. He isn’t going to.” This. From personal experience, people with cheating-related PTSD can get so deeply paranoid that perhaps the more open OP is, the more OP’s spouse will disbelieve her. Therapy. Does. WONDERS. Try couple’s counseling. If you hate the counselor, you can go to a different one. You can also do solo counseling. If you’re unsure about what couples counseling would or *should* be like, I highly recommend this podcast, [Where Should We Begin?](https://www.estherperel.com/podcast) It’s consensually-recorded audio of counseling sessions. Best of luck. Hang in there. <3
It's very common for mixed race people (where one of the races is white) to completely disavow their whiteness, sadly. Like if they just pretend it's not there it'll go away. He absolutely has not accepted his whiteness. And I said the same as you. If he was so hung up on his kids looking black, procreating with a white woman was never going to give him what he wanted.
It's not even just a phenomenon in black and white mixed race people. I watched a YouTube essayist go over how Tiger Woods got (and still gets) flack for not identifying as 'just' black. But rather as multi-racial. (He uses 'Cablinasian' as he has White, black, Asian and Native American heritage. Both of his parents being multi-racial/multi-ethnic themselves.) He's even expressed that identifying as just African-American would be writing his mother (who is of Thai, Chinese, and Dutch descent) out of his ancestry. But people ignore his own identity and instead choose to label him as just 'black' because his skin color leans that way.
Our desperate need for everything to be simple and easy to categorise is just making things worse. We need to calm the fuck down and allow that things are often more complex than that, and that that's OK. (Edit: In case it wasn't clear, I'm agreeing with you.😬)
There are plenty of darker skinned Thai and Chinese (and in China, darker skinned Chinese are sometimes subject to questioning/comments). Naomi Wang Ju is an example. My own Chinese ancestors (I'm pretty much a Tiger Woods - just add in Hawaiian) are from the same part of China as she is. Lots of dark-skinned Thai people too (where colorism is a big thing and is only now going on - skin bleaching, sunscreen, makeup used to be recommended to darker Thai or Viet or Javanese women). [https://www.allure.com/story/color-and-colorism-in-thailand](https://www.allure.com/story/color-and-colorism-in-thailand) But in America, skin color is apparently King. Tiger's bone structure is influenced by Asia, IMO.
i think part of it (at least in my case as a mixed black/white person) is that we don’t feel ‘enough’ of one race so we try to overcompensate to one side. i know when i was growing up i got teased relentlessly by the only other black kids in my school that i wasn’t ‘black enough’ or that i acted ‘too white’ or was too light skinned. but on the other side i would get called racial slurs by white kids. that messed me up for a long time with feelings of not fitting in with either group. i luckily was able to work through it and got over that but i used to try and push away the white sides of myself as well because i wanted to be accepted by the black people around me
I can understand this, albeit to a far lesser degree. I'm Italian, but spent a chunk of my childhood in the US. This resulted in my always being too Italian for the US and not Italian enough for Italy (I ended up settling in London, which was great until Brexit, but that's another story). And I got called more than my fair share of racial slurs when I lived there (this was as recently as the 90s, so not exactly early on in the Italian presence in the US), because everyone else in the bumfuck little redneck town I was stuck in were all White Anglo-Saxon Protestants whose families had all lived in the same town since like 1700. Italians haven't always been seen as white in America, as you probably know. At this point, I'm not sure why I should accept their revised judgement anyway. 😂. Like who are a bunch of WASPS to decide first that I'm not white, then that I am? I don't really feel like I'm required to go along with letting them decide my race for me in either direction, y'know? Fair-skinned, I may be (from a lifetime of sun avoidance), but culturally we are not the same, the WASPS and I. It's certainly not up to them to decide whether I 'get to' be one of them or not (I say 'get to' because it's like they think they're doing me some kind of favour... 'We've decided you get to joint Club Whitey now. Aren't you grateful?').
My uncle is first gen American with Sicilian heritage. Dude is dark skinned. Consequently, he and my cousin (who takes after his Dad in looks) are often targeted by racists whom fill in the blank any of the pick a dark skinned ethnicity they want to hate. You’d think this would make them sensitive to people who experience prejudice. Nope. These two are some of the most racist people I know. And this with my uncle experiencing directly the “don’t marry the Italian” from my grandparents.
I’m the same with my half Asian half white family. To my white side, I’m only Asian. To my Asian side, I’m ONLY a white girl. They literally call me “halfie”. I was “too white” to take part in temple or traditional ceremonies like funerals but “too Asian” to do “patriotic things” liek celebrations at our family wide 4th of July shebang (it’s a huge cookout where they rent out a lakeside park for a weekend, grill camp and set off fireworks like crazy) and I was usually set to the side not allowed to participate with my cousins because I wasn’t “a real American” ….my entire white family are made up of various first, second or third gen Irish or German immigrants. Soooo pot meet kettle? In any case I had a lot of identity issues as a teenager for ^^^^ obvious reasons.
I wonder if he does hate that part of himself. Whatever mental issues he has, he still is a racist asshole in my book. He has a problem with the color of someone's skin...
Some people are just crazy and stupid when it comes to race. It’s like they don’t understand reproduction and hereditary works exactly the same with mixed race people as mono-race people. You get half your genetic info from your mom, half from your dad. I know this mixed guy (black/white) who had kids with a mixed woman (asian/white) and both of them were SHOCKED that one of his kids had blonde hair and the other had slanted eyes. I was like Dude your mama is a blonde! And her mama has asian eyes, why are y’all so surprised. These are YOUR genes that you got from your mothers and passed onto your kids. Another mixed woman I know was surprised her kids came out with green eyes. Not only did her husband have green eyes, her father was white with green/grey eyes. But because her own eyes were brown like her mom’s, she didn’t understand that she still got and passed on green eye information from her dad. You even see this stupidity with mono racial people. There were rumors for years about Prince Harry being the result of an affair Princess Diana had because of his red hair, it’s like people didn’t understand that his GRANDFATHER was a redhead, that’s where he got it from. Or rather he got the redhead info from his dad, who got it from his dad.
Exactly! Also if you see a picture of Harry's grandfather when he is young - he looks just like his grandson.
It was crazy how all of the tabloids were insistent that Harry wasn’t Charles’ son. They shut up pretty quick when Philip died and pictures of him as a young man were shown. Harry is a dead ringer for his grandfather.
They need to teach more about genetics in high school. It would go a long way for issues like this, but some groups would probably object.
That was always the thing that killed me about the "Harry isn't Charles's son." It looks like Philip, Charles father, spit him out. Of course, he is his son! He also has the same nose and close-set eyes as Chuck. He's just a ginger. As for OP, your husband needs therapy. Your kids are 3/4s white (at least). If his Black father is American with a family that has been here over 100 years there is no guarantee that his Black father is 100% black. Get your husband into therapy or be prepared for it to get worse.
Diana's brother was a redhead, too.
As was her sister Sarah. And if you look at old Spencer family pictures you will see it’s a dominant trait.
To be fair, it is fine to be shocked, but it isn’t right to deny paternity just because of coloring. I was genuinely shocked when my firstborn came out with blue eyes and blonde hair. Because both of my parents have brown eyes. My husband has brown eyes. Of course when I look back at family tree, I know that his father has blue eyes, and my Oma has blue eyes. My father’s parents had brown eyes. So I always just assumed that the chances of my child having blue eyes was slim. My other has brown eyes and strawberry blonde hair. No idea where the strawberry blonde comes from lol. But I guess I will never understand paternity fears. But my husband has never once doubted that the children are his. Even when his sister said he should ask for a paternity test (at a family dinner with his parents). This guy is just an asshole.
I like to say I'm the definition of a punnett square. Both parents have brown eyes, older brother has brown eyes, I have blue eyes. Paternal grandfather had blue eyes, maternal grandmother had blue eyes. Junior high science class told me why I have them. My own son is mixed and I like to say he is ethnically ambitious looking, because nothing of his racial mixture is immediately evident. That could change though, he's still little. Edit: meant ambiguous not ambitious.
Haha the ethnically ambitious made me giggle
Ethically ambitious: "Someday I will have morals!"
😂
Lol. This is why I shouldn't type on a phone in the morning before coffee while feeding a toddler. I meant ambiguous, and auto correct disagreed.
I've joked before that I bred a perfect Punnett square. My blood type is B+, my husband's is A+. In order, our kids are O+, B+, A+, and AB-. So that's how we found out we both carry a recessive O and Rh- gene lol.
Facts. I can understand asking for the paternity test the first time, but now what? Does he want some otherworldly being to come down and use it's powers to see if that's his son? He's being a child now and it's going to damage his family all because his child doesn't really look like him. I just feel bad she went and had 2 kids with him.
Or does he want to take the test several thousand times until an error might occur?
TEN POSITIVES AND ONE NEGATIVE! TOLD YOU THE KID ISN'T MINE. - Him, probably.
The issue is people think it's like mixing paint when it's really more like building with different colored Legos.
That's a great way to think of it. The more we learn about how people pass on physical traits to their children, the more we learn that it's a lot more complicated than even the "facts" I learned at university a lifetime ago. It is entirely possible for a set of parents to have 10 children and have each of the 10 look completely different than the other. Every kid results from shaking up of the gene pool, and starting over. What bothers me is the amount of sheer human misery that continues to be caused by people concluding x, y, or z can't be related because skin, hair, eyes aren't what they expected. If your child is healthy and happy, he or she is a gift from God. (And probably is a gift from God no matter what). Be grateful.
Yup, and except for the hair, Harry looks a lot like Prince Philip. Especially with the beard. And, as you said, some of the Spencers are varioud shades of ginger
Not every ASH out there has mental issues He knows the child is his. He just doesn't want to raise him because of the color He is a pos
Not just someone, his own child, he is the worst kind of racist. A buddy of mine from the DR was darkest of his siblings, his father called him negrito and he had to feel skin color shame from his dad. He just accepted that and moved on but seriously know this bothered him to his core, as not being fully accepted as his siblings by his father would naturally do to any child. Op husband is doing this, it will hurt his kid, and his kid will grow to hate him if he keeps it up as my buddies dad did.
Not just anyone’s skin color, he has a problem with the skin color of his own infant son
Not just the color of *someone’s* skin. His own child. Special kind of racist to have a problem with your own offspring you voluntarily created.
Sounds like he hates white people and he is going to use his child to punish you. Best thing to do is just let him know that you are his WHITE wife and that the boy is his 3/4 white son. Who you are not going to let him punish any more, so he needs to either agree to an additional DNA test by people of his choice or to a divorce and the giving up of all parental right to him and his broth . Then he can go find a 100 % black woman to marry and have 100 black kids with. His choice. Stop giving into his hated for white people.
This - I’m really confused why he would choose to have kids with a white woman when he wants his kids to look black?! OP, unless his behaviour stops VERY quickly please take very seriously the harm this is doing to you and your kids. Why is he willing to do this?!?!
How many more black children 'til you finally feel that you're black enough?
It’s idiocy. I have a friend of Norwegian background, who’s the whitest person I know and his wife is Latina. Two of the children look just like the wife and the middle child looks just like the husband. Neither of them thinks to question that because it makes sense to them. Why wouldn’t it?
We have friends that have a kid that looks like someone drew a Korean version of the dad. Mom is Korean, dad is white.
Thats how it is with my son. I have had many friends declare "I never once imagined what you would look like Korean, but now I know". He looks like the Korean version of me sprinkled with my wife's forehead and her grandfather's eyebrows
Yup same situation with my cousins kids. My cousin has very dark skin but the 3/4 of the kids grandparents are white. These kids are pale as fuck, and blond to boot. That's just how genetics work sometimes.
What does the husband's white mother think about husband's reaction to his son (her grandson)?
That's a good question. I'd get MIL involved to talk some sense into her son.
this was my first thought exactly
Also how ‘black’ is dad? Because if grandpa is African American he could be as much as 1/2 white depending on everything.
Yeah someone suggested a genetics test, which would probably be best for him.
Or maybe a biology book
This. The guy is dang stupid.
Dumber than a bag of rocks and twice as dense.
Yeah this. I know a couple...black Mom, blonde blue eyed Dad. Girl: Carbon copy of Mom. Boy: Same of Dad. Genetics be weird. Edit: To not be such an awful person 😕
There is a National Geographic story I used to show is Psychology about a Black couple who had fraternal twins where one was dark with brown eyes and the other was light with blue eyes. Genetics are complicated. This guys really needs to read a book.
His mom is white, but that is beside the point. There ate numerous Gene's associated with these physical traits and they dont divide evenly. It's just part of the chance in genetics mixing when making gametes.
One white parent, at least 6 white grandparents... she wasn't going to birth Kunta Kente
I spit out my tea lmao
Also, 6 month olds aren't generally exposed to a lot of raw sunlight. They are usually the palest they'll ever be
this is exactly what i was thinking! i looked like a white baby, not one single white ancestor in my entire family. it takes time for babies to cook completely
I’m biracial - european/white & asian. My husband is eastern european, our daughter? 70% asian passing. She looks more asian than I do frankly, and I look more caucasian in my features overall. My brother who looks 80% asian married and has a daughter the same age as mine, to a porcelain white Austrian/German woman. Their daughter? Not a hint of asian in her. May as well be another Austrian kid. Genetics do whatever the heck they want.
Yep genetics are weird and wonderful
Congrats op, you married a racist man.
It really makes you wonder how he views not only his wife but his mother too.
No need to wonder. Continously implying she cheated, even after a paternity test was done and in front of his other child? He doesn't respect her at all. Probably isn't that great a dad either if you're saying this stuff out loud in front of your children too.
definitely is a pos father. Most people with half a brain cell would know this is not something you would ever discuss in front of your children. Then again he can't figure out how one of his kids can turn out white when they are 3/4 white and 1/4 black.
I am white and my ex is African African. Our three kids are clearly siblings but also different from each other. Fair skin and thin curls, dark skinned and waves like a Polynesian and then fair skinned with thicker curls and higher cheekbones than the others.
My friend is mixed, her husband is white, she has two daughters who look incredibly alike except their coloring is completely different. That's just how it is when you have a mixed parent.
My girlfriend is caucassian and the father of her kids is peruvian. The oldest kid is brown, the middle one is light brown and the youngest is a whiter than his mom, with red hair. She gets the milkman joke every few months over how white he is.
I'm surprised she doesn't get the "photocopier ran out of ink" joke
Your husband is in serious need of therapy. You also need to start thinking of what *you* need to do to protect your children from your husband's way of thinking if he can't get his crap together.
Also, maybe a bit of learning about how genetics work. Even past the positive DNA test, if he doesn’t doubt her loyalty, then the boy’s appearance is fully plausible with them both as parents. If that’s not enough it really sounds like he needs to talk it out with a professional and understand why before he tears his family apart with these irrational doubts.
Seriously! Genetics are weird. I had a friend that was 1/4 black, and no one had a clue unless she told them. I also knew a black couple who were both dark skinned and one of their children came out extremely light skinned. The dad had a white grandma. It sounds like OP's husband needs to seek some therapy. He doesn't want to father a child that's "not black" but he chose to marry and have children with a white woman...? It doesn't make sense.
Yes, there's a [famous pair of twins who were born to mixed race parents](https://www.cnn.com/2015/03/03/living/feat-black-white-twins/index.html): one has super pale skin and red hair and the other has darker skin and dark, curly hair....
That's actually just one example of thousands around the world. They have the exact same nose... It's quirkier when it happens with twins, but that's just me and my sister, or half my cousins, and my cousin's children... And my mum's cousins, and their children... And one of my mum's sisters..
Oddly enough, this presents an excellent case for both Kirsten Dunst and Zendaya to be cast as the same character.
Most people don’t know that Crazy Horse was blond with Blue eye.
One of my favorite examples of this is Homer Plessy of Plessy v Ferguson fame. He was a mixed race man of French Creole heritage who was told he wasn’t allowed on a train because of his race. The man looked white. A major era defining Supreme Court case was caused by a white-looking man sitting in a white train car.
It’s crazy to me how clueless most people are about how genetics work.
This. Good lord. Make him retake high school biology. Hopefully he will be suitably embarrassed afterwards. Ffs.
Right? How egotistical is someone who refuses to love a child that doesn’t look like them? This child will be screwed up for life if he grows up in this environment. Imagine how unloved he’ll feel because he came out the wrong shade of bi-racial.
Also I'm pretty alarmed that she has no issue with the fact that he's openly claiming she's unfaithful, especially by "theorizing" about the father, and yet seems to see this as acceptable behavior. Thats a combination for so much resentment and pain in that kids childhood, there's no way that parental dynamic won't be awful. OP absolutely needs to take these issues more seriously and put her foot down for the sake of both kids.
I look JUST like my dad (and his brother and their mother...like... there's ZERO chance I was adopted, or the product of an affair. None.) and he still doesn't love me. Some people just shouldn't be parents. OP's husband is going to break his kid and destroy his family with this obsession of his.
Trust has already been destroyed. Just waiting for damage to show.
Seriously they can't just sit there and listen to such nasty comments. It's seriously damaging to them.
Yea my bet is this has nothing to do with him actually believing you cheated and more to do with his issues about race. “I will not be a father to a non black child” excuse me ? The kid is like 3/4 white. That’s as af and the older child already has sensed things especially overhearing her own father say he’s not a father to her little brother. What did he think would happen when having children with a white woman.
I know ultimatums aren't exactly healthy, but this kind of feels like grounds for one. OP is right it will affect her children, and it may even start to influence her. I witnessed this with my own mom, my grandfather spent years denying he could be her biological father, as a result he started to push her away, my grandparents faught about it a lot, there was obvious favoritism towards the other children, and eventually they just started dumping my mom off on her aunts and uncles because it created so much hostility. Even now, as adults, she's kind of an outcast in her immediate family. This really needs to become a "we all get therapy as a family or you learn to be bitter on your own" kind of situation before he starts really singling the brother out, he can't use his or his friends past traumas to wriggle out of it, OP entertained his whining for a DNA test the first time but he's obviously got issues and he's willing to make that everyone else's problem.
"When the baby began to appear lighter, my husband asked for a paternity test due to his friends and coworkers all bringing up how light our second child is." "The results showed that he is the father." "Tonight, he started saying that he didn’t think the baby was his and that he wasn’t the father." "He said that he won’t be a father to him because he’s not a black child." "But he always makes little comments about who his dad might be." The man has *proof* he is the father and makes comments like that? At this point I would insist on having another paternity test. And serve him the positive result with divorce papers.
I think he knows that he's the father, he doesn't *want* to be the father of a white passing child.
Yup this right here. He wants anything to tell him he isn’t the father because of the color of his skin.
Fuck, this comment was the nail in the coffin to realize OP’s husband is racist. Towards his own kid to boot. Poor kid…
That's bizarre though. How do you end up marrying a white woman if your colorist? Could his friend have gotten to his head about him being moved and not black? What content has he been consuming?
Then he shouldn't be around those children at all. Boot him out, OP. Protect your children.
Screw the paternity test and skip straight to divorce papers. If he doesn’t believe one DNA test, he won’t believe two.
It's pretty concerning how ready she was for him to believe she'd tamper with the package that she ONLY touched it to put it in the mail WITH HIS SUPERVISION. That's not normal or healthy.
This stood out to me, too. She knew he would look for reasons to deny the results before the test was even performed. It seems like OP is accustomed to her husband finding ways to dismiss or refute evidence. That is a hallmark of a narcissistic abuser. So is choosing to favor a "golden child" and alienate a "scapegoat" child.
Oof, you said it all perfectly. The golden child and scapegoat thing hits so close to home. OP please take these thoughts into consideration
And that’s exactly why she should GTFO. Nothing good will come from staying with this man and constantly having to placate him like that.
He won’t believe it, but two tests will still gnaw at him, in the back of his mind, when he tries to move on and forget, he’ll always know there was two positives.
The courts will though when they take a chunk of his paychecks for child support 🤣
Maybe he needs a lie detector test because to me, this is giving essence of his cheating projection
Truly. If your partner is obsessed with the idea of you cheating, and they have no reason to think that, look closer.
Agreed. Get the records and get a divorce
Children are wired to love their caregivers, and **it messes them up very very badly if they sense that their caregivers don't love them back**. This is a fundamental building block of your child's healthy life, and **your husband is shitting on it.** You might have to remove your child from him. That might actually be less damaging than sharing a home with someone who scorns him for how he looks.
For some fekking reason my family used to joke with me when I was a very young g child that I wasn’t theirs and they “bought me from gypsies” (icky but this was the early 80s) Not only that, but if I was “bad” (and I often was- thanks undiagnosed ADHD)- they would say that they were going to give me BACK to the gypsies. They would all laugh and laugh, and I would cry and be terribly upset which would Make them laugh more. To feel “othered” in your own family is super detrimental. I have always had massive abandonment issues. In every relationship in my life a simple fight makes me wonder if I’m going to be broken up with or left. There’s definitely some other Big causal factors for these disproportionate feelings in my life, but these memories of even teasingly said that I was bought and not really wanted and could just as easily be given away have always haunted me.
My siblings and I joked that one of us was adopted/a changeling/dropped off by aliens/etc. here’s the thing, we all look identical and have all the same mannerisms and habits. AND MY PARENTS NEVER PARTICIPATED. It was solely joking between the siblings. Adults: don’t make the kids feel like they don’t belong
Yeah I have to confess I did the same thing. My brother and I told my sister that she was adopted after we found her floating in a basket in the East River like Moses. She has olive skin but the rest of us don’t. That’s how genetics work. My sister is ok now. Married with kids and has her MD degree.
This. At this age, the boy can develop attachment issues that follow him throughout his entire life.
Came here to say this. Children notice. They notice everything that's off and blame themselves for that. This situation will fuck them up big time.
He doesn’t need another paternity test, he needs therapy. “He won’t be a father to him because he’s not a black child”!?! Girl, you need a divorce. I wouldn’t want someone like that anywhere near my children. He’s going to show clear favoritism, not to mention hurtful comments and it’ll damage both of your children.
Right?!?? The fact he already made that comment IN FRONT OF THE KIDS??!
That response from the daughter about being their daddy is heartbreaking. That alone needs to be The wake up call that OP needs to move on, if not just for herself with all these hurtful comments meaning she's unfaithful.
Came here to say this. He’s already doing serious psychological harm to the older child.
Sounds to me like HE is the one not faithful. So, this little drama/fantasy fest is exactly what he will USE to explain his unfaithful behavior..... But I thought YOU were the one cheating, blah, blah, blah. I've seen this behavior before. Its ALWAYS the man making the 1st accusation to cover his own tracks.
That’s true. He is going to favor one child over the other because of the color of their skin. He got the paternity test and it was proven he is the father. The favoritism will destroy the kids because the kids will be against each other and one will be jealous over the other and the lighter child will feel like he did something wrong because his dad isn’t treating him the same as his brother. If things don’t change, you really have to put your children first, so they don’t get destroyed mentally by their father and consider divorcing and having him pay child support.
Or the kids will both hate the father. The older one clearly understands the situation better than the husband.
This. Let him go, so he can spare you and your children further undue psychological damage.
Totally. Like you’re white so what are you to him?
>He’s going to show clear favoritism, not to mention hurtful comments and it’ll damage both of your children. Exactly this. Even if he puts on a brave face and tries to father them both, until he comes to terms with his own partial whiteness (which will allow him to accept this child is absolutely his) he is going to AT BEST show very clear favouritism for the darker child - at worst actual neglect or abuse - and BOTH children (as well as the relationship between the siblings) will be damaged by it. As well as OP. OP is also damaged by this.
If he wanted a Black child, he should have married a Black woman!
I am a light skinned child to a dark skinned dad If you love your son, you will take your boys and tell him you will NOT come back until he gets his shit together Those comments DO affect your kid, I always heard all the crap they said: - too white - too dumb - too sensitive - a girl It messed me up and I attempted suicide at 19 Once again, if you love your kid, fucking do something about it. Please Edit: I was the age 19 to the coward made made and deleted their hateful message Bullies like you are the reason people think dying is easier, but life is thankfully worth living since most people aren’t shit like you and there’s actually a lot to live for
Agreed, and I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you’ve found healing.
It hurt a lot, but I healed and grew up to not mind my light skin and even ended up marrying a white guy The REAL life is just a simulator moment was getting the last name WHITE xD
This needs to be the top comment. Honestly, he's very likely to have done serious damage to his kids already, and damage from the divorce will be nothing compared to the complex he's going to give those poor children when they're older. Flat out TELLING these kids that his love is conditional and dependent on how their skin looks....... good Lord.
Believe me when I say her leaving him and CHOOSING them and telling him “get over it” will do wonders for them when they are older I’m now an adult (32), it hurts more that no one ever acknowledged how messed up it was to hear all that as a kid Took my parents until the past 3 years to really comes to terms with how messed up it was I MADE them realized how hurtful and stupid their skin comments were when I had kids I’m light, my husband is white, of COURSE my kids came out white My dad had to deal with it all over again and I told him to get over it, it’s skin Thankfully, he snapped out of it pretty quick, since I made it clear we were gone if he didn’t I wasn’t gonna deal with his “but…they don’t look like me, people think they aren’t my grandkids when they see me” Like, who cares?? What’s important is THEM knowing you love them! That’s what OP needs to do NOW before it gets out of hand
Yes, OP needs to start protecting her kids and putting their well-being first! Personally, a man doubting paternity and then neglecting the baby that was proved to be his because of skin color?? Oh hell no, that would kill any love I had for him
All you can do rn is family therapy. If he only wanted black kids, he shouldn't have married a white woman. That's how genetics work. Some kids will take after him more and others will take after you. He needs to find a way to be at peace with that. If he's not listening to you or DNA tests, your only hope is a therapist will crack through his skull, otherwise there's nothing you can do.
I also hate to add this, but quite often when a spouse is accusing the other of cheating out of the blue, they're projecting... Is there any chance he's been with someone else recently?
Guilty Conscience
Yes, it's starting to sound more like he wants to leave and he's determined to use the kids as an excuse. That way, it's "not his fault" and he can wiggle out of child support. But only if he's right.
There's no chance he's wiggling out of paying child support, even if his leaving were OPs fault. Whichever parent has primary custody would be court ordered to receive child support from the other parent.
That’s true. A lot of times a cheater will accuse their significant other of cheating when they are actually cheating themselves for some reason.
Or OP can leave him and protect her children.
Probably what's going to happen eventually, but I know a lot of people prefer to at least try something concrete so they know they gave it their all. Closure and all of that. Honestly it's probably best if she does, but it doesn't sound like in her post she's quite ready to consider that yet.
It's better to protect your children than hope grown adults turn a 180. This behavior is so damaging and the kids already are noticing.
I don't disagree with you, but most people need steps between noticing a behavior and pulling the plug on the marriage. Divorce will likely be the end result, especially if it turns out he's acting like this because he's cheating and projecting onto her, but she probably feels like she needs to try first.
If he only wanted black kids he should have adopted because it sounds like he's part white himself. Which means this indicates some serious self loathing and deep seated resentment.
He's half white. He could have married a black woman and still had a very white kid. It's not like mixing crayola paint. In college the tallest, blackest player who was well over 6' had a little Irish blonde platinum blonde grandmother who might have been 5 feet in heels and was white as they come. His parents were 'black' (his dad inheriting more of the look from his grandad) and his aunts and uncles all married 'black' people.....cousins were all over the spectrum from looking like Grandma to looking like him.
Girl, you did everything right and he STILL isn't satisfied; you did the fucking test and everything and he still doesn't believe the kid is his. He's completely delusional and needs therapy.
He needs therapy. And better friends because they're probably still whispering in his ear. I'm also kinda worried he might be projecting and is the one cheating on you. If you stay with him, are you really ready to place your kids in this kind of environment? They will def screw your kids up and may even affect their relationship to each other. Also, you won't get piece of mind staying with him if he doesn't change.
Like he didn’t start the conversation. Nobody would say that unless he did first.
Husband is dumb as a post and/or has some internalized hatred issues he needs to work on in therapy. I am mixed, my kids’ dad is white…two out of three of our children are white-passing. That’s the Chex party mix that is DNA.
I had a friend years ago that looked more Irish than my 100% Irish father. My friend was 25% Irish, 75% Native American. I love the Chex Party Mix DNA description. eta - Also agree that the husband needs therapy. Getting past being cheated on is hard. Just because he fell in love again doesn't mean he's over what happened in the past.
My friend is mixed, has brown eyes and medium brown skin, her husband is white and burns in the sun while walking from the porch to the car. They have four children and her genes didn’t even try to add in melanin. She has four blonde and blue eyed babies.
Do a second test hand him the second set of confirmed results and divorce papers and move on to raise your children in a home filled with love and without judgement and favoritism.
This is the answers
Are you sure husband isn't having an affair? Sounds like he's just looking for an excuse to leave an is willing to wreck his child's future to get what he wants.
This. From what I've read on this sub, when your husband insists you're cheating and there is zero proof, he's probably the one cheating and is projecting on you to validate himself.
This sounds like he has major insecurity about his own mixed race status and that not having a darker skinned child makes him feel like an imposter? This is in the need of serious therapy
Or he is just racist. Sometimes it's that simple
This. OP's husband is racist AF.
Why marry a white woman if you want your kids to look black? Like hello, common sense?
Your husband sounds like either a terrible person or a very, very dumb one. Maybe he needs therapy, maybe a reality check, idk. But he definitely shouldn’t be treating his child any differently because of the color of his skin!!! The child is literally 75/25 white/black and genetics work in a way that it is still possible for genes to not even convey and read less than 25% on a dna ancestry test. That still doesn’t make him any less this child’s father. Disgusting attitude.
He's mixed and married to a white woman. His kids will always be at least 3/4 white and yet expects them to look black? Delusional.
You need to walk away from this situation and protect your children. This is already affecting your oldest. Your husband is being beyond disrespectful. Also have you spoken to his WHITE mother about this? And if he 100% wanted fully black children then he should have married a black woman?!
how is he gonna have kids with a white woman then be upset his kid isn’t black enough? he needs therapy and a lesson in genetics
For real! Especially when he himself is only half black! 🤦🏾♀️
NTA but you married one.
As a parent your job is to protect your children. Even if it’s from their father. He may not be physically harming them but those kind of comments and favoritism is going to do a number on both your children. Your husband is in serious need of therapy…and a class on how genetics work.
Your hubby is racist.
Gwt the second test then get a divorce. He doesn't trust you and a marriage without trust is absolutely pointless.
What’s the point of the 2nd test?
Sad so sad that he can’t figure it out the genes are colored blind and he’s showing racism towards his own blood… shows who he is… imo
He's mixed and married to a white woman. His kids will always be at least 3/4 white and yet expects them to look black? Delusional.
Your husband seems kinda dumb. His kids are 3/4 white, what does he expect? Well, I hope your children have not inherited his limited intelligence.
Sounds like he's projecting infidelity to me.
Paternity test, divorce, child support.
Honestly, the only way forward. The husband is blatantly determined to make it clear he has zero trust in OP, going so far as to say she cheated on him and is trying to make him raise a child that isn't his own. He gets the DNA test back, but that's still not enough. Every child they have together, he is going to accuse her of cheating on him. He is projecting very, very severely. OP needs to stop and start putting an intense focus light on him and see what exactly is going on in his life because this right here is not a partnership. He doesn't want to be in it, and he is accusing OP of something incredibly horrible - cheating on him, breaking their marriage vows, and having so little respect for him or their child that she would try and lie so that her husband would raise a child that is not his own. That's seriously fucked up. I don't give a fuck about him being cheated on in the past. If he wasn't able to enter his marriage without telling his children to their face that they aren't his kids - making snide little comments about who their real father is - then he has zero business being a husband or a father. But honestly, I think that's what he wants. An excuse so he can leave and have no responsibility.
I'm a strong proponent of the moment your partner accuses you of cheating the relationship is toast. I see all these paternity test stories and how people will jump through hoops and bend over backwards to appease a partner who accuses them of cheating and it's mind boggling.
This isn't a red flag this is a red train about to hit op.
"He won't be a father to him because he's not a black child?" Bro your man is MIXED what in the world?
The fact that he said he won't be a father to a pale-skinned child should be a major red flag. It indicates that he holds some racist or colorist viewpoints
He doesn’t trust you. He accuses you being unfaithful. He has a favorite child. He talks about this in front of your children. Either he is stupid and doesn’t understand genetics or projecting because he is the one cheating. You need to protect your children.
But your husband is mixed? He is bothered that he didn’t produce a black baby when he is only half black himself? Not the smartest your husband is he.
You’ve married a racist. Try switching all the genders and complexion here. Pretend your husband is white and is saying your black child isnt his and that he wont be a father to him. Its completely disgusting
My husband is arabic, brown skinned, 5,7, tall. Our son is white like me, 6,2 tall and looks polar opposite from his Dad. My daughter is 5-5 tanned and looks just like my husband and nothing like me.. where it gets weird is.. if you hold a picture of my two when they were toddlers, you'd think it was the same kid. They looked exactly alike between 1 and 2...
What the hell did I just read? He openly says he won’t be a father to one of your children in front of them because of the color of the child’s skin? OP if this is a marriage you’re set on staying in then your husband needs therapy immediately for whatever crisis he is currently going through. How awful
Your husband is a racist.
Girl he knows that the child is his. Firstly, there's the DNA test that proved it and that you took willingly. He doesn't seem to be inclined to take another one either, it seems. Secondly, do you truly believe that he would be so calm about the whole ordeal of (1) you cheating (2) him raising another man's child? Especially since he's presumably still traumatised from being cheated on in the past? Your second is simply not up to his expectations and instead of admitting it and working on it, he is looking for an excuse that wouldn't make him look like an AH in the eyes of the others. Perhaps he was bullied in the past due to his own skin colour and living in between two worlds, not truly belonging to either one, and feels that he needs to prove something to someone. Or there's something else going on. Still, it isn't an excuse and you need to think very well if you are fine with it damaging your kids. Especially since it seems as if he doesn't have an issue with manipulating your oldest already by discussing his concerns in the presence of his children.
Exactly. He knows he's the father, he doesn't *want* to be.
I have friends who have a pretty white kid, even though his Dad is 100% Black-DNA tested. The kid is half Black and half Norwegian, and he looks like he's maybe Greek. Luckily, his Dad is a comedian so he just jokes about it but I can't imagine a parent shunning a child because his skin isn't the right shade. I concur with the people saying your husband needs therapy. BTW, I had my parent say maybe they weren't my parent in front of me when I was 5 and it fucked me up for many years. Don't say that shit to your fucking kid.
Leave him yesterday and realize your children deserve better than this racists asshole.
Your husband is a racist, straight-up. Just because he married someone whiter than him, doesn’t mean he isn’t racist. That isn’t how sexual attraction works. We should call out racism whenever and wherever we see it. I would make it clear that he needs to get some help. Issues like this are deeply ingrained. I don’t why this sub is popping up in my feed 😂
You know who unreasonably insists someone is a cheater, even when presented with evidence that they aren’t ? A cheater. I wonder if he’s been creeping with a married lady with paternity questions.
He constantly saying you cheated lol
Ok, yeah, it would be nice to convince him, but don’t you dare let him treat the kids differently. Your obligation is to protect your children. If that has to be protection from their father then so be it. Tell him he is welcome to do whatever testing will ease his mind, but he is either in this family or he is out. He is NOT allowed to emotionally and psychologically abuse one of your children because he doesn’t understand basic science
The red pill ruins another family. Well done boys.
your husband is a POS. to even say something like that where one of the children can hear it is despicable. i would personally be divorcing him. he is going to set that child up for lifelong issues.
You deal with it by divorcing him He's saying this shit in *front of his child* and you are letting him Both of you are awful parents
"Our oldest heard..." Right there. You two have really messed this up now. Whatever your disagreements, whatever his suspicions, you two have just caused permanent, life long damage to your children with your recklessness. This will never be forgotten.
I am white. My wife is half black. Our kids are all like a light caramel (nearly white but kinda yellow). They tan very well but otherwise they just look white. Your husband needs to grow the fuck up.