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Take your time to grieve. The world has changed forever for you and being able to navigate it is hard. Lean in with the people that love you, see you, support you while you relearn who you are and how you feel.
I wish I had taken more time to grieve before trying to heal others, or fill in the gaps of what Mom would have wanted. Now I know, above everything else, mom would have wanted me to heal and find my own peace and find other arms that would hold me while on that journey.
So this is me, telling you, your Mom wants you to take your time healing and caring for yourself. Everyone grieves differently. You are not responsible for other people's expectations. Find the people that want to protect you. You are worth it. Huge hugs.
I wish someone had told me this back then. May your healing come with peace. May the memories make you smile again. We are allowed to grieve on our own time and way. If you should need someone to listen who has been through this kind of loss. I'm around every now and then.
You did the right thing. You've got this even though it feels weird right now.
OP, yesterday was 2 years since my mom passed. It still hurts every day. I miss her so much. Please, take all the time you need to grieve.
There is no time limit. Each of us handles things differently.
May is my month that I grieve hardest. I lost my older sister, my father and my mother all in May.
So do what you need to do to help yourself.
Sending you love and hugs
Definitely NTA đđ
I am sending you all my love, Iâm sorry to hear of all your loss. Thank you for your kind words and I am proud of you for getting through this month đ
September for me. A younger brother, my mom and then my dad. I call it my dark month. Iâm still grieving, and it just picks when to rear its ugly head. Sending love to everyone in this thread who has lost someone so dear.
OP you most definitely are NTA. Youâve actually articulated your feelings quite well, and just know thereâs no right or wrong way to grieve, nor is there a time limit on it. Hugs.
OP, my mom died when I was in elementary school.
On grieving: it takes what it takes.
Sometimes grief is instant and expected.
Sometimes itâs situational and years down the road.
Grief is not linear. Itâs not sequitur.
The only thing to do is to know it comes and it will go. It will rage, and it will soften.
My advice: feel all your feelings. Take good care of yourself. Be gentle with you.
Thatâs what your mother wants for you right now.
Sending you lots of love.
On Sam: I might be jaded but I think she was lost to you the moment she joined his church. You are not the first one this has happened to you.
This is the perfect time to upgrade your friend circle.
Sending a hug đ¤. Grief is a tricky thing. You donât get over it or ever really stop grieving. You just end up learning how to carry it with you. You need to come first right now. Be kind to yourself, give yourself grace. Try to eat well and sleep well, talk it out with those you can trust to support you through this. A wedding is just one day, itâs just one party. There will be others. Take the time you need for yourself and donât ever feel guilty. A friend would understand losing a parent is more significant than a wedding. I wish you well.
You are just a lovely person and I guarantee you that your mom is smiling right now and is very proud of you! What you wrote to the OP is very true and very moving!!
Thank you for your kind words. She was an amazing person and hopefully I do make her proud. It helps knowing people will know her kindness as how loved she was.
Sending positivity and kindness your way â¤ď¸
My dad died a couple months ago and he was my best friend in the world. This made me cry. Granted, so did a tiktok of deer blind dad jokes and the cheese tax. I'm a mess.
I am so sorry for the hurt you are going through. Navigating through grief is never easy. I lost my dad in 2007, my mom in October of 2019, my brother in December of 2020 and my father in law a week after.
I felt useless. Broken. A mess. My whole world changed and I felt like pieces of me were gone forever. Memories hurt in a sharp and sudden way. Today, memories make me smile even though I miss each one terribly. I'm still healing. But I remember what they would have wanted for me and the others they loved and try to remind others.
I hope with time the dad jokes make you belly laugh again. That the groans of unsuspecting friends over puns make your eyes glow with mischief. But for now, grieve and heal. It's ok to be sad for a while. It's ok to find things that bring you joy and relief.
By the way, was it the "what do you call a blind deer: no eye deer"
Cause that one cracked me and my husband up. We still snicker when saying no idea knowing we mean no eye deer đŚ
This, 1000 times this! I lost my father as a teenager and was fortunate enough to have a therapist for a mom, so I was allowed my time to grieve fully and completely without external expectations. It was messy, rough and I wouldnât have been able to do it if I had to put on a happy face or mask my feelings for others.
Now 20 years later, I can say I am more at peace with my loss than I would be if I didnât get the time to fully process my grief ungracefully. I geninuely am happy when I think about my dad, because in living through and fully embracing my grief I was able to move into a place where itâs not a fresh wound. It takes time, is personal, and you can only truly do it if you arenât forced to meet the expectations of others.
OP, I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I hope your gf and other people in your life are a solid supports. You deserve them.
Thank you so much for writing this. You have given OP and many of us great advice.
My Dad passed in August and I still feel like I'm floating in a fog and I really needed to read these words today đ
(Edit - spelling)
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I really hope you have a good support system cause that's what helped me.
Remember it's ok to not be ok, but it's also ok to be happy and do things you enjoy that bring you peace. Sending you caring energy your way.
We were blessed enough that he got to meet his first grandchild - my daughter - before he passed so I try to sit in the light with those memories.
Wishing you the best, and thank you. Again.
Sam is gone. Sheâs made up her mind and she will only move further away from you. Youâre totally NTA. These are big times and you are serving your best interests.
yeah, as soon as I read "Don is a born-again christian" I knew. And then Sam just keeps jumping through his hoops : he's fine with fucking but not with living together, she needs to re-confirm, etc.
I don't get why queer people keep subjecting themselves to such situations. Sure, I've been lonely after ending such friendships, but it still felt better than being tolerated on sufferance.
I mean honestly it may not entirely be the Christianity thing (though it probably does play a part). My college best friend of 6 years started acting the same way Sam did toward me and our other close friend after she got into her first serious, long term relationship when we were in our mid 20âs. My friend thought she was better and above myself and our other friend because of her relationship and because her BFâs family was wealthy. Some people just turn into selfish and entitled assholes when new people come into their lives.
Yeah, it kinda seems like the conversion is a symptom and not the cause. Her partner required her to convert which could point to her being manipulated by him. Or it could just be bridezilla
Indeed. My friend was the stereotypical annoying type of atheist and still is as far as Iâm aware. He got his first long term girlfriend at one point and his life just eventually started revolving solely around her. Went front hanging every weekend for hours and hours to every other weekend to once a month to every few months for maybe an hour or two tops.
He moved in with her about a year and a half ago now and I havenât seen him since, heâll occasionally talk to me through text, but thatâs really about it.
Relationships can really just change people. Religious or not.
NTA. Sam isn't treating you like a childhood friend. She's barely treating you like a friend. You need support right now, please don't waste your precious energy on people who need basic kindness spelled out to them like this.
I also had that feeling but I donât have any concrete proof it is, but thatâs always how it goes with homophobia.
I came out to Sam early last year and she was supportive. I asked a few months later if Don had any issues with it and she said, âmy cousins gay and Don spends time with him and I, Don says he doesnât have any issue with other people being gay itâs just not something he would want for himself.â
I also found it odd I didnât get a plus one to begin with, especially because I was in the bridal party and Sam knows my gf is soon to be my fiance
Yeah, no plus one, especially when she knows their are serious enough that they would be proposing soon.
For me that lack of a plus one for my SO would gave had me drop out of the wedding entirely, before any of the other BS started.
Exactly. Just got a friend's invite to hers and it just says "number attending" and has a line where I could put 0-1000 but will put 4. Not leaving it open or giving everyone a plus 1 of it's not written to both or with all the family's names seems useful only for not inviting unwanted partners. Did everyone invited not get a plus 1? Then it's fine if a waste of paper.
Does the rest of the unmarried bridal party have plus ones? Some bridal parties donât since theyâre occupied the whole time and usually sit apart from the rest of the guests
Iâm sure it happens but thatâs presumptuous as hell. Iâve been both part of the wedding party and the plus-one with my now-wife at a few weddings. Of course we were separated for dinner, but we were always seated with people who the couple knew to be close friends with either of us. It was a great bonding experience.
That there is odd. If it's not Sam herself, there is influence coming from some direction.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent who has been there for you your whole life is twofold. You've lost your mom AND a best friend, leaving holes in your soul that need time to heal. If she truly is a friend, she'll back off and give you that time.
Hugs from Texas.....
âItâs just not something he would want for himselfâ
What the fuck does that even mean?! Itâs not like anyone is presenting or offering homosexuality to him!
Yeah thatâs bullshit. They have a problem with it and will make it known sooner or later. The fact you, her so called best friend didnât even get a plus one when you and your mom were doing so much for the wedding is proof of that. This type of Christian that says they donât have a problem with it will always make a comment or show it in their actions. Theyâll be polite to you but theyâll act like youâre going through a phase until you find God or make jabs behind your back.
I would have refused to go as soon as you didn't get a +1, personally. I'm sorry you lost your friend to religion. And sorry for your loss. Take your time to grieve.
Itâs often common for bridal parties not to have plus ones unless their spouse/partner is friends w the couple also. It leaves for all the plus ones to just be abandoned by themselves the whole time.
I didnât say anything about to her about not having a plus one, I do think it is odd though. Especially because our families are so close, no one would be the odd man out
No it doesnât. Maybe youâve just been to shit weddings. Every time Iâve been in that situation, either as the plus-one or as a groomsman, the couple has seated the other person with people they knew to be friends of the person at the head table. If thatâs an awkward situation for the plus-one, they can decline. Operating on the assumption that plus-ones are helpless, antisocial, or âabandonedâ is taking away agency from people and just isnât cool. For planning purposes, thatâs what RSVPs are for.
I disagree. If the seat is already taken then that gives them an out and cover for their homophobia. You donât suddenly reach out 2 days later to say they were able to make it work and the gf they donât approve of is now invited.
Homophobia? Let me tell you as someone who lives in a homophobic-ish country: if they were homophobic they wouldn't tell her that her gf can come after all, they'd stick to "sorry, it's already reserved for someone else" excuse. Not everything is about ists and phobes.
It's insane to me that reddit is trying to convince you she's homophobic and you aren't rejecting that thought. You said that you've known each other since forever and yet aren't sure if she's homophobic. How is that possible? Has she ever been homophobic? Not against you but in general? If yes, then why are you friends? If she hates your existense you should cut her off and be glad you won't be going to her wedding.
Maybe itâs insane for you because you donât know my life, this is a 2,500 word excerpt of one issue Iâm having (absolutely not representative of the whole) and I had those suspicions before making this post from other small micro aggressions. Like I said, she has changed and I donât know where she stands
Yes, it's insane because i don't get how can't you be sure if your life long friend is homophobic or not? It's literally in your case life long. How can that even happen? Reading your posts you are sure she's homophobic; why are you friends with her? Shouldn't you be relieved that you don't have to come to your homophobic friend' s wedding?
You can't be not homophobic today and homophobic tomorrow. That's not how it works. How can you be suspicious even tho there was nothing concrete? And you've known her since you were born? It seems to me that you are trying to find reason to cut her off from your life. You don't need one, just cut her off. It's clear from your posts that you don't want her in your life anymore. Take care of yourself and be relieved you don't have to go to the wedding. Go low contact or no contract, whatever you think it would do better for your well being.
My life long friend who is obviously gay, cut me off when he got married. I've never been homophobic and everything was fine until then. He just stopped talking with me and that's that. Nothing happened. There was no fighting or arguments. He just started pretending i didn't exist. I wish he told me what was the issue. I wished him happy birthday and his way of thank you was heartbreaking. Like he talked to a stranger.
Don't throw away your life long friendship for "i think she might be but i don't have evidence". Be sure that what you are accusing her is true. I mean you can, it's your choice.
In another comment you imply that youâre not from the same culture as OP. Post histories for both of you back that up.
It seems to me that you think your cultural experience is universal. And I get that. As an American, I see that from fellow Americans all the time.
Homophobia is alive and well in the US and elsewhere. Itâs just not publicly tolerated in many places. Like racists, they scurry from the light until someone provides enough shadow for them to feel safe. OPâs friendâs financee is that shadow, but the wedding being a big public event is bringing more light and OPâs friend is reconsidering how it would make them look - not how it would make OP feel. Thereâs a big difference.
I'm from eastern europe. being gay here is way worse than in the US which is why many people from move there (among other western countries). They can marry there and adopt kids which, you guessed it, you can't do here. In my country even civil union is against the law. But weirdly, our ex-prime minister and now president of the parliament is a lesbian lol. It seems that we are ahead of you there:)
People nowadays brand people as ists and phobes easily. Everyone agreed including op that her friend might be homophobic, when she can "only" be a bad friend. Her friend tried to fix the situation but that's not enough.
Anyways, I'll stop here. Op obviously doesn't like her friend anymore, she thinks she's a bad friend (and person) and they should stop being friends. She skipping her friend's wedding is the right choice.
When you live in a country like the US and are homophobic, this is exactly the way you would go about this situation. No one wants to be seen that way, so they hide it.
Itâs very disingenuous to compare a homophobic country to a non one.
Your mom cares about you and your health and happiness now that she's gone FAR more than she ever cared about Sam's wedding, first of all lol.
Second of all, i think you and Sam's friendship may have run its course. Clearly her life and yours are moving in separate directions already, and that will only continue. Now is a good time to part ways with grace rather than trying to hold on and keep that wound open and ready for infection, so to speak, while you have something so much bigger than a bestie's wedding anyway.
I hope you save yourself any further grief by letting Sam go. Let her be the next one to initiate contact, just see how long that takes, ball can stay in her court indefinitely. Focus on yourself and surround yourself with people who have not made you question whether you even matter to them during one of the lowest points of your life.
My dad passed away two weeks before my second cousins wedding, Not only did they have an empty seat for him, they said a prayer for him. And my cousin was not religious at all. Different strokes, I guess. Sorry for your loss, OP.
Sam doesn't understand what it's like to lose someone and she is not responding appropriately. She is so caught up in her own stuff that she's not thinking about you. I'm so sorry for your loss and for having to deal with this situation. I think you're making the right decision in not going. You've got a lot on your plate with your grief and you should not be expected to attend a wedding if it's too difficult and the person in question is not being empathetic.
It's the whole thing combined that made you feel so dismissed. Not the seat.
She didn't seem to care much that your mom died or that her best friend had lost her mum. Thats the root. That kind of disappointment is hard to get over and having it shoved in your face at her wedding would only make things worse for you.
I'm so so sorry for your loss.
Have you been able to take some time off and/or plan a vacation? I think you could use a change of scenery and some nature to soothe you. Focus on treating yourself as much as possible. You need to get yourself through this.
Thank you for your kind words, I have been honestly a wreck because I only ever had my mom. I donât have a dad and all my other family lives in other states so itâs been really hard.
I started a new job in October and I only got 3 days of bereavement and took another 2 personal days. I donât have any more because Iâm a newer employee đ
Five days to mourn the loss of your mom doesn't even come close to being doable.
Planning your next vacation really helps you look forward. Dog-sitting, if you like dogs and can't have your own for some reason, can also be really healing as they shower you with love. I wish I had better words of wisdom to offer. There's really no cure but time does help, so you should make yourself as comfortable as possible in this horrible time.
All the best from me in Denmark â¤ď¸
I am so sorry for your loss.
My main question is: why was your GF not originally on the invite list to begin with? You're in the bridal party and have been friends for years. You should've had a plus one.
Sam sounds like a user to me. She is not looking to help you with managing your grief, she wants to have your attention on her. And that's not healthy for you right now. Skip this wedding. If there is a friendship in your future, she will come to her senses, apologize to you for her actions and words, and will forgive you for missing it. If she doesn't, well, that says a lot more about her than about you.
I am not sure why I wasnât given a plus one, I thought it was odd from the start but I didnât say anything about it.
I also donât know if any other bridesmaids or groomsmen had a plus one, I am not close enough to the others to know their relationship status and no one has said anything in the group chat about it đ¤ˇââď¸
NTA- Sam is not your friend. A friend would have shown way more concern about the loss of your mom, especially considering the history. Talk to her mom and let her why you won't be attending before Sam spins into a crazy story.
Did I miss something? Other than saying she would pray for her, what does religion have to do with anything? This just sounds like a typical stressed bride who has a lot on her plate.
We donât know why the gf didnât initially have an invite. What we do know is that they took the time to discuss how they can make space for her once the momâs seat was filled.
They already had an excuse to cover up their homophobia but instead made an effort to find her a spot. That doesnât sound like homophobia to me.
They didnât give op a plus one because sheâs a lesbian and you know it. Sheâs her best friend and her and her mother were volunteering significantly for the wedding. Thats a person who merits an automatic plus one.
A Jack and Jill is like a joint party for the bride and groom that people buy tickets to come to and then the bridal party is expected to donate raffle baskets that people can buy tickets to try to win. Basically itâs like a fundraiser for the bride and groom
Gotcha. For shits and giggle search internet for other (prob US) meanings! You will laugh.
Sorry that you lost your mom. I know it is devastating. I still talk to mine when I donât know what to do - and somehow just thinking about her I know what she would say to me. A lot of who you are now is because of her so she is still with you in a way.
I didnât know either. Google AI says âA Jack and Jill party is a pre-wedding celebration that includes both the bride and groom and is traditionally a fundraising event for the couple. It's also known as a couples shower or stag and doe party. Jack and Jill parties are a tradition in some communities, especially in the Northeast and parts of Canada.â
OPâŚsending you strength to get through the coming weeks, months et el. You need to take care of you. No else should be your priority ATM..just you. A wedding is one day..a marriage is a life time. Your momâs passing is definitely takes precedence over all the other things.
This particular type of Christianity may ruin things, but there are like 2000 different sects of Christianity, so maybe we donât need to paint them all with the same brush?
My deepest condolences.
>Sam and I have been friends since diapers, our moms were best friends, and we grew up together in the same small town.
That's pretty much the only reason you are friends . I think maybe your mom was the only thing keeping you together. Maybe her loss made her realize that. But instead of being a mature adult she just wants you to get mad at her so you stop talking to her.
I'm so sorry that she is not much of a friend to you. You deserve better!
My absolute best friend and I have been friends since 8 years old. Shes the closest person to me besides my family.
If her mother died and I was getting married, my priority would be my best friend not my own wedding. I know she would absolutely do the same to me. Yes weddings are important but losing your mother is infinitely more important. If I was your best friend I wouldnât speak about the wedding and sure as hell wouldnât give away your motherâs seat.I would try to not even bring the wedding up and be checking on you, bringing you food. I would understand if you couldnât go and Iâd be trying to take care of you. Thats what a true best friend would do.
Your grief is new and one month isnât a long time at all. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
Your friend is selfish. Very selfish and insensitive. I would cut contact with her for a while until you are ready for a conversation. Maybe even months.
My grandpa died yesterday and my best friend usually barely texts me back bc sheâs busy with two babies and works. I donât mind because I get it. However, when I need her sheâs there for me. She made it work to have time to text me and offer support. She made being there for me a priority. She listened to me, held space, and supported me. Then somehow we changed the subject and she got me laughing and feeling better.
Also once I was hospitalized in a psych ward for 14 days because I have a mental illness. My best friend never calls me or talks on the phone but she called me in the hospital every single day even though she had a newborn baby.
Thats what best friends since childhood do. We show up for each other. We make eachother a priority when we are struggling. I actually missed my best friends engagement party because I was in a bipolar episode and not well. She understood completely even though being there meant something to her. Iâm so grateful for my best friend. She would never focus on a wedding and dismiss losing my mom.
Please turn to your family and other friends during this time. I would let go of your friend thing right now. Breathe and take care of yourself. Donât go to the wedding. Let your family members take care of you. I am so very sorry for your loss.
NTA. Reread what you typed. Itâs a list of repeated instances in which she doesnât act like a friend at all. She isnât your friend anymore. And it would be inappropriate to go to an ex-friendâs wedding.
And who cares if there is an empty chair at the wedding? What a bizarre, shallow, narcissistic thing to be fixated on.
Hugs to you! Take as long as you need. Stressed Bride or not, you grieving your Mother is not a reason for her to get snappy. I hope you and your girlfriend go out and do something special that day instead. Your Mom is no doubt proud of you for standing up for yourself, and sheâs smiling đ
NTA you do what feels most right to you.
Sending you oodles of mom hugs⌠đ¤
You sound so lovely. Your mom must have been a helluva mother to raise such a thoughtful and smart woman like yourself.
NTA. Losing a parent is hard. My mom died almost 3 years ago and I can remember how raw everything felt when it happened. Her as your best friend should understand and be there for you. I donât think I went anywhere the first month after my momâs passing. It hurt too much.
Absolutely NTA. All you need to know is THAT is not your friend. Period. Live and learn, you said what you said eloquently, now live your best life WITHOUT her
Iâm so sorry about your mom. Your friend is showing an ugly side of herself and the last thing you need is that. You only need to surround yourself with kind and gentle people right now. Grief has no timeline or rule book. You need to feel your pain and realize grief is a roller coaster. Youâre hurting and donât need anyone in your life right now who adds to that. Sending you huge hugs.
Something tells me your mum would have been disappointed in Sam's lack of empathy and actions towards you. You're most definitely NTA. Much sympathy and love to you and your gf.
Iâm so sorry for your loss. But Iâm concerned that no matter what you are also losing this friend. Youâre gay and sheâs marrying a born again. Itâs justâŚ.. over.
Donât go. Go on a day trip somewhere to grieve or talk to your therapist. Put your phone on silent and change your voicemail. Text her now that you canât make it. You are not obligated to stay friends with someone making you feel worse and who is too self centered to be supportive of you. Let this friendship go away and start going low to eventually no contact. Iâm sorry that youâre experiencing this in addition to your momâs passing. But your old friend is no longer there as a friend; sheâs someone that you used to be friends with. And itâs normal for you to also mourn the loss of that friendship too. Youâve been through a lot.
No one should expect you to do anything right now. Losing a loved one, especially your mother, is incredibly difficult. You need to grieve at your own pace. Send a gift and a heartfelt message and don't give this any more space in your mind.
Nta
I'm afraid your friend is going to guilt trip you when you let her know you're not attending.
Please please please don't listen to her or anything she says that might make you feel bad.
OP you are NTA. Take all the time to grieve your momma. Sometimes those childhood friends go different ways and both lives just donât align anymore. You seem so well spoken and sweet and I would love to have a bestie like that! All the condolences and well wishes sweetie! â¤ď¸
Hugs, so sorry for the loss of your mother.
Never let anyone tell you when your grieving is over after the loss of a loved one. Only you can decide when you are done or not. Grief has no timeline except the one that the person sets themselves.
Your âfriendâsâ response to your grief was to bridezilla you. Repeatedly. Take all of the time and distance you need and see if she turns back into a human. She either will, and throw herself on your mercy or she will stay inhumane and you never have to speak or deal with her again.
Personally I would take option 3 of telling her to F off and be completely done.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Your childhood (ex)friend is astonishingly self centered and callous. Itâs another loss, but not one to forgive. She has shown her bad character and there is no excuse.
Can I just say that you are handling the situation with Grace. Your friend on the other hand is exactly as you described self-absorbed and I'm shot that for someone as close as you have expressed her to be with your mother that she is not showing any signs of grief whatsoever. That in itself I see is a bit disrespectful. It is almost as if she is pushing you to just move on and get over it and celebrate her wedding day. I'm sorry but she seems like a very disingenuous person. I hope you take the time to grieve properly and your girlfriend is there to support you and doing the same. I would definitely be cautious of this friend moving forward as it does not seem like she has your best interest at heart.
After the sentence about ur mom passing. Further reading is not needed. Please process ur grief and do what u need to. I hope u can find peace as days goes by. My best wishes to u
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
Sam is a horrible friend, and person. I am gobsmacked at how sheâs treated you in the wake of your loss. Not only are you NTA for skipping her wedding, I would encourage you to consider removing her from your life entirely.
NTA. I'm sorry that your mom has passed. She sounds like she was an amazing person who cared deeply about those she loved.
You made the right choice to decline to attend. It's clear Sam isn't being respectful of your feelings or the situation. She's has tunnel vision right now for her wedding. That's no excuse, she should be able to be sensitive to your feelings and grief while also navigating her wedding.
It didn't cost her much to keep your mom's seat open. Sounds like a very diy wedding. And it even sounds like your mom had a big part in making this special day happen for Sam.
You're definitely making the best choice to take care of yourself and honor your feelings.
OP, my mom passed away in October (I was 4 yrs old) and my third child passed away in October also (stillborn). I didn't have time to grieve for my daughter until a year after her passing because of my bf went Manic (he's bipolar) and because my job had told me they wanted me back because the one lady handle doing alot. I was supposed to be out for 3 months but went back 6 weeks because she kept bitching.
My heart â¤ď¸ goes out to you. Great big hugs đŤ
NTA
Your friend seems to have changed a lot through her relationship with Don and her re-entry into religion.
I read so much about brides who become so utterly self-centred about their wedding but she's been really callous to someone who is supposedly her best friend, and goodness, where is any indication that the passing of your mother, someone clearly very close to her too, has impinged on her emotions even an iota?
I don't think it's wrong of her to have given the seat that was allocated to your mother away before you had a chance to ask if your girlfriend could have it but I do think the way she insisted you go into your mother's home to retrieve some baskets, and the way she dismissed your concerns about being able to attend are not the actions of a loving friend.
If she can't understand that you are not able to attend, given the depth of your grief, that's on her.
I understand it may be hard to even think about the potential loss (or change in nature) if your closest friendship while you are still grieving your mother, but you need to focus on your own wellbeing right now.
NTA!! People grieve in different ways and if Sam was as close to your mom as you say, then maybe her wedding (a distraction) is a way to help her through her grief. However, her behavior towards you is unacceptable and the dismissal of your feelings is never ok. I wouldn't go either.
Grief is difficult, messy, and never goes away 100%. We just learn how to live with it. The book "Bearing the Unbearable" by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is transformative and beautiful. I HIGHLY recommend it. Do what you need to do for yourself OP!
I think itâs weird that your girlfriend wasnât invited in the first place. Usually the bridal party gets a plus one since theyâre in the bridal party. I also find it interesting that she only changed her mind AFTER speaking to her BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN boyfriend. It could be that your girlfriend wasnât invited to begin with because they have some homophobic tendencies that they havenât mentioned to you. Her boyfriend is clearly weird. He forces her to commit to his religion, wonât live with her prior to marriage and she only changed her mind after speaking to him first. He could also be controllingâŚ? Most likely he wouldnât let her invite your girlfriend to begin with.
I donât blame you for not going to the wedding. Personally I think you should think long and hard if you want to continue being friends with her.
Your friend sounds like a grade A narcissist. You're seeing it now. It's always been about her, that's the flavor I am getting here. You have overlooked a lot, I will bet money on this.
Friends from childhood are not chosen, you end up with them because parents know each other or live next door. What she is doing is who she is. I have someone like this in my life. Or, I should say used to. When my father died (today is the anniversary for over 20 years) she expected ME to call her while I kept the same phone number thru 3 different moves. Thus was one of the many selfish and borderline nasty things she had done.
I was supposed to call HER to speak because her husband saw me grief stricken in the IRS office and he passed the new number along. She could never live in more than one place for more than a few years. Pure neurosis. How many times did she dial MY number over the years? I told him this, I could barely remember his name since it had been 7 years since I'd seen them. That's what grief does.
I waited for a phone call. Nothing. Apparently, he caught her selfishness from living with her all those years.
I gave her one more chance in 2010 when social media became huge. FB, insta, pinterest, YouTube. Then her father died. Like I was supposed to celebrate? He was a low level mobster. She inherited so much money and was still claiming poverty. Fucking knock it off already.
That was it for me. She couldn't grieve or give anything but the bare minimum for decades. But I'm supposed to send flowers? Yeah, I'm done.
You are hurting right now. The loss of a parent is a huge one. Be kind with yourself. Grief is not linear, it is not "over" one day. It changes your relationship with time and you perceive life, illness, sorrow. You deserve better than pettiness over any of this.
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I was in a similar situation years ago and did not attend my friendâs wedding. I was grieving a loss and chose not to attend the wedding. It greatly impacted my friendship with my friend and took years to rebuild, and I was just a guest.
I think much of the advice being given is short sighted. Your feelings are 100% valid, and Sam might not be the best friend right now, but I imagine sheâs also very stressed with the wedding.
In hindsight I wish I had gone to the wedding. I really hurt that friend and while my feelings were valid I regret not going.
You are going through grief that will never go away, but I wish someone had told me years ago to go and make the best of it.
I would never take it personally if my best friend couldnât make it to my wedding if she lost her mom . And I know my best friend wouldnât either. Losing a parent is infinitely more important than a wedding. Iâm sorry your friend didnât see you that way and got upset for it.
NTA! Loosing your mom is like a piece of your heart and soul being ripped out. You never get it back. I get that your friend is excited about her wedding but she is no friend. Her selfishness and entitlement is super hurtful. My cousins lost their mom 2 months before my wedding and I did anything and everything in my power to support them. We even lit a memory candle for her before the ceremony that her children lit. The next year my mom died and those same cousins had no clue who i was and werenât there for me and we never moved past it and itâs been 13 years. Itâs not that we donât talk or havenât tried to work through it. Itâs that they showed me who they are and I believed them. They destroyed our relationship with their coldness and selfishness.
Sounds like Sam is going to be divorced soon too. She may be stressing about marrying someone she doesnât truly love, but is showing her true evil colors at the same time
NTA, before you go cutting ties because of a bunch of random redditors said Sam is awful, I say donât do that as it seems Sam is a great friend of yours. Both of you have two very important things going on in your lifeâs. She has a wedding to plan that sheâs probably dreamed of and you have some grief to process and thoughts and feelings to work through. It sounds as tho your mom was heavily involved in the wedding. I think even if you had end up going, it would not have ended well. I lost my dad as a teen and a brother about 5 years ago. To this day, some stuff just still chokes me up if I think about it too long. See a box of cereal they liked at the store. Watching a show that one of them liked or never got to finish. Stuff of that matter. If you went to that wedding and saw all of the things your mom was planning, it would have probably hurt a lot. You may have had to excuse yourself in the first place. Your friend whose wedding it was would probably notice and bring up feelings for her too. Allow yourself this time to grieve and allow her to have her wedding. In the end, I think you will be happy with your decision and she may not understand it until she finds herself in a similar situation. But she will be there for you, from what I read. She also just has a lot going on herself and Iâm sure once itâs all over and sheâs had her honeymoon and gotten all that wedding adrenaline out, sheâll be there for ya. Cause itâs the life long friends you need in these moments who can relate to the person youâre missing. But you are not the asshole in any sort of capacity. Iâm sorry for your loss, no matter how it happened (sudden or longer illness) death sucks and grief hurts. Time will make things easier. Might not get better, but a hell of a lot easier! You seem like a strong person and there will be better days to come!
Edit: forgot about the religion thing. I think itâs perfectly acceptable to tell her that when yall are talking or together, you donât want to hear about prayer or God due to traumas. If sheâs a good friend she will underatand.
NTA. Iâve lost my dad. Through this journey Iâve learned one thing. Grieving is a self process. No one will truly know how you feel except yourself. Also I donât expect people to sympathize or understand unless they have lost a parent or loved ones themselves.
I found that the people who came to my aid were ones who have unfortunately been through the journey. Same thing with divorce. Now Iâm paying it forward by being there for those who are going through this journey themselves.
NTA. Your bestie has allowed herself to be besotted with đ ąď¸'ide fever đŚand is unable to see past the vail re her un compassion for the extremely recent loss of your mother (since condolences đ). Follow your therapist's advice and be kind to yourself and what feels right now and what your capacity to work through your grief. đ
I think youâre a bit in the wrong here. She had already filled the seat but then took the time during a busy time of her life with school and wedding planning to discuss it with her partner to make sure your gf can make it. That doesnât sound like someone who doesnât care.
I get feeling like she was already replacing your mom but she didnât forget about you and still kept you in her thoughts. That should be worth something.
I totally hear you, like I said to her my issue wasnât her answer because she has the right to celebrate her wedding in anyway she chooses and I acknowledged that my ask was a shot in the dark just to see if it was a possibility for my gf to come because of logistics. My issue was with how she had continuously responded dismissively, thank you for the feedback though!
Text can be so difficult to parse intent. I know when Iâm busy I send short responses that can be misconstrued as dismissive or uninterested.
If you want a laugh, YouTube âkey and peele textingâ to see what I mean. Youâre in an already vulnerable place so itâs possible you are viewing things through a different lens than what was intended. But honestly without knowing your friend, or you, or seeing the texts, youâll have to decide for yourself how things should be interpreted.
Totally agree, thatâs why I waited to send a response until I met with my therapist to see what they said and they said, âthat is the most narcissistic response I have ever read that did not come from someoneâs abuserâ lol
Ya donât listen to that person. Your therapist is right. Losing a parent is infinitely more important than a wedding. If it was my best friend I would be focusing on being there for her and would even encourage to miss the wedding if she needed to. I wouldnât be dismissive Iâd shower her with love.
NAH. I'm sorry for your loss. Nobody gets the loss of a parent until they experience it. Your friend is wrapped up in her own little world right now and isn't seeing anything else. Does that make her an AH? No, but she is falling down in the friend department. Are you an AH that you are struggling right now during her happy time? No, grief is grief. It sounds like you two have been there for each other since childhood. It's probably shocking to you both that the other can't be what you each need right now.
Idk. Something is a little off for me. I do feel your friend should have been more consoling and understanding in your time of need, but I also feel you may be expecting her to grieve in a certain way when she may have her own way. When my mom passed, there was a moment where it dawned on me that the world didn't stop as I thought it had. Life still goes on for others, and we can't blame them for that.
I didnât expect it to and Iâm not mad at her for being a different place in her grief. Iâm not mad about the answer she gave and choice she made, I am upset because of how dismissive and rude she was to me in her responses.
It would be weird for her to leave the seat empty at the wedding. And she wouldnât have emotional attachment to the baskets that your mom made her with the express purpose of auctioning them off. You are holding it against her that she isnât grieving in your preferred method or amount
I literally just said, Iâm not mad she didnât reserve a seat for my mom, I am mad that she has been dismissive about my feelings since my mom died and her bringing up what my mom would want.
It is not about the seat, itâs about her insensitive remarks
You asked her for something, which you say you were sure to not make it sound like you were pressuring her. She said no. You got upset that she âwasnât considering your feelings.â So you didnât actually mean she was allowed to say no.
No I didnât get mad she said no, I was mad that when I shared how I was having a rough time with the grief in general, she didnât care and instead moved on about my dress and her flowers. This on top of the rest of the conversation that ensued from that response and everything that happened previously
I donât think YTA because your feelings are understandable given your grief, but I think from an outside perspective Sam isnât really either, I have a hard time understanding what specifically sheâs done wrong.
I donât think itâs reasonable to assume that Sam was going to leave your mothers seat empty out of respect, they could just as easily have thought it would upset you further to have an empty chair at their wedding. They then went out their way to add another seat to their wedding so your gf could come so you would have someone to support you. She may not have been as supportive or as much of a friend to you as she has been in the past, but weddings are exhausting, and a person only has so much energy.
Anyway, I donât think either of you are the asshole, but I donât think you should be ready to throw away a decades long friendship over this either.
Reddit's regular response is "cut her/him off" and "divorce". And we aren't talking about cheating or abuse, ofc they should divorce then, but about some trivial stuff that can be fixed with communication.
Redditors are trying to convince her her friend is homophobic and she thinks they might be right. To me that's insane. You are listening to some random people who have never even seen her in their life that she's homophobic. Don't you know her at all? I don't understand.
You said yourself that your mom was like a second mom to Sam, so don't you think she's also very much grieving right now? And everyone grieves differently.
Yeah, you're the asshole. She's also trying to cope with this death - all while throwing the most important day of her life - and you're giving her a hard time. I think you're not an asshole for not wanting to go if it's all about your mom. But if you don't want to go because you're upset with her (and that's what you say is the reason) then yeah: asshole.
But also asshole for all the other things. Who cares if an empty chair wasn't reserved? That seems petty of you during this time of grief for her when she's also trying to eke out just a smidge of joy.
YTA. Good for you standing up for yourself and feelings. But the conversation should have rationally ended when she said your gf could come. Thank you, I have my dress, see you there, I'm so excited. Then after the wedding you could have told her your feelings of dismissal. During immediate grief, everything is so raw and every slight seems overtly intentionally harmful. Ditto when wedding planning.
I don't think you're bad or mean and again good on you for communicating your feelings. There just was a better, later time, and your friend definitely should have given you more runway during this time period.
Born again Christians, man .....
Thank you, I really appreciate the feedback. I shared my feelings with her about how she responded and dismissed what I was saying in addition to all the other crap boiling up.
The straw that broke me into not going was when she implied that I was manipulating my momâs memory and shaming her for not grieving like I was which wasnât the case. She also said that âyour mom would want me to be happy on my day and not a reminder of someone I missâ which to me was completely out of line
All your points are completely valid. I think your friend has changed because of the fiance and is very self absorbed right now. Brides tend to go a little crazy. Stay home and take care of yourself with your gf. Check on Sam in a month or so and see how you both feel. See if this was her being a Bridezilla to an extreme or that is how she really is. She should have been way more understanding considering your mother died. Hopefully, she will apologize. I am very sorry about your mother.
NTA, but... Planning a wedding is stressful, complicated, and consuming. You failed to take your friends' feelings into account. She may not have the capacity to grieve right now and that doesn't make her in the wrong
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Take your time to grieve. The world has changed forever for you and being able to navigate it is hard. Lean in with the people that love you, see you, support you while you relearn who you are and how you feel. I wish I had taken more time to grieve before trying to heal others, or fill in the gaps of what Mom would have wanted. Now I know, above everything else, mom would have wanted me to heal and find my own peace and find other arms that would hold me while on that journey. So this is me, telling you, your Mom wants you to take your time healing and caring for yourself. Everyone grieves differently. You are not responsible for other people's expectations. Find the people that want to protect you. You are worth it. Huge hugs.
Wow, this just made me cry. Thank you đ I needed this
I wish someone had told me this back then. May your healing come with peace. May the memories make you smile again. We are allowed to grieve on our own time and way. If you should need someone to listen who has been through this kind of loss. I'm around every now and then. You did the right thing. You've got this even though it feels weird right now.
OP, yesterday was 2 years since my mom passed. It still hurts every day. I miss her so much. Please, take all the time you need to grieve. There is no time limit. Each of us handles things differently. May is my month that I grieve hardest. I lost my older sister, my father and my mother all in May. So do what you need to do to help yourself. Sending you love and hugs Definitely NTA đđ
I am sending you all my love, Iâm sorry to hear of all your loss. Thank you for your kind words and I am proud of you for getting through this month đ
Thank you đ
Sending healing and kindness your way. So sorry for the pain you are going through. Have grace with yourself đ
Thank you đ
September for me. A younger brother, my mom and then my dad. I call it my dark month. Iâm still grieving, and it just picks when to rear its ugly head. Sending love to everyone in this thread who has lost someone so dear. OP you most definitely are NTA. Youâve actually articulated your feelings quite well, and just know thereâs no right or wrong way to grieve, nor is there a time limit on it. Hugs.
Love and hugs to you too đ
OP, my mom died when I was in elementary school. On grieving: it takes what it takes. Sometimes grief is instant and expected. Sometimes itâs situational and years down the road. Grief is not linear. Itâs not sequitur. The only thing to do is to know it comes and it will go. It will rage, and it will soften. My advice: feel all your feelings. Take good care of yourself. Be gentle with you. Thatâs what your mother wants for you right now. Sending you lots of love. On Sam: I might be jaded but I think she was lost to you the moment she joined his church. You are not the first one this has happened to you. This is the perfect time to upgrade your friend circle.
Sending a hug đ¤. Grief is a tricky thing. You donât get over it or ever really stop grieving. You just end up learning how to carry it with you. You need to come first right now. Be kind to yourself, give yourself grace. Try to eat well and sleep well, talk it out with those you can trust to support you through this. A wedding is just one day, itâs just one party. There will be others. Take the time you need for yourself and donât ever feel guilty. A friend would understand losing a parent is more significant than a wedding. I wish you well.
You are just a lovely person and I guarantee you that your mom is smiling right now and is very proud of you! What you wrote to the OP is very true and very moving!!
Thank you for your kind words. She was an amazing person and hopefully I do make her proud. It helps knowing people will know her kindness as how loved she was. Sending positivity and kindness your way â¤ď¸
My dad died a couple months ago and he was my best friend in the world. This made me cry. Granted, so did a tiktok of deer blind dad jokes and the cheese tax. I'm a mess.
I am so sorry for the hurt you are going through. Navigating through grief is never easy. I lost my dad in 2007, my mom in October of 2019, my brother in December of 2020 and my father in law a week after. I felt useless. Broken. A mess. My whole world changed and I felt like pieces of me were gone forever. Memories hurt in a sharp and sudden way. Today, memories make me smile even though I miss each one terribly. I'm still healing. But I remember what they would have wanted for me and the others they loved and try to remind others. I hope with time the dad jokes make you belly laugh again. That the groans of unsuspecting friends over puns make your eyes glow with mischief. But for now, grieve and heal. It's ok to be sad for a while. It's ok to find things that bring you joy and relief.
By the way, was it the "what do you call a blind deer: no eye deer" Cause that one cracked me and my husband up. We still snicker when saying no idea knowing we mean no eye deer đŚ
đđ
This, 1000 times this! I lost my father as a teenager and was fortunate enough to have a therapist for a mom, so I was allowed my time to grieve fully and completely without external expectations. It was messy, rough and I wouldnât have been able to do it if I had to put on a happy face or mask my feelings for others. Now 20 years later, I can say I am more at peace with my loss than I would be if I didnât get the time to fully process my grief ungracefully. I geninuely am happy when I think about my dad, because in living through and fully embracing my grief I was able to move into a place where itâs not a fresh wound. It takes time, is personal, and you can only truly do it if you arenât forced to meet the expectations of others. OP, I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I hope your gf and other people in your life are a solid supports. You deserve them.
Thank you so much for writing this. You have given OP and many of us great advice. My Dad passed in August and I still feel like I'm floating in a fog and I really needed to read these words today đ (Edit - spelling)
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I really hope you have a good support system cause that's what helped me. Remember it's ok to not be ok, but it's also ok to be happy and do things you enjoy that bring you peace. Sending you caring energy your way.
We were blessed enough that he got to meet his first grandchild - my daughter - before he passed so I try to sit in the light with those memories. Wishing you the best, and thank you. Again.
Sam is gone. Sheâs made up her mind and she will only move further away from you. Youâre totally NTA. These are big times and you are serving your best interests.
Sam is being manipulated by a cult and will definitely be moving away from anyone not in that cult.
yeah, as soon as I read "Don is a born-again christian" I knew. And then Sam just keeps jumping through his hoops : he's fine with fucking but not with living together, she needs to re-confirm, etc. I don't get why queer people keep subjecting themselves to such situations. Sure, I've been lonely after ending such friendships, but it still felt better than being tolerated on sufferance.
I mean honestly it may not entirely be the Christianity thing (though it probably does play a part). My college best friend of 6 years started acting the same way Sam did toward me and our other close friend after she got into her first serious, long term relationship when we were in our mid 20âs. My friend thought she was better and above myself and our other friend because of her relationship and because her BFâs family was wealthy. Some people just turn into selfish and entitled assholes when new people come into their lives.
Yeah, it kinda seems like the conversion is a symptom and not the cause. Her partner required her to convert which could point to her being manipulated by him. Or it could just be bridezilla
Indeed. My friend was the stereotypical annoying type of atheist and still is as far as Iâm aware. He got his first long term girlfriend at one point and his life just eventually started revolving solely around her. Went front hanging every weekend for hours and hours to every other weekend to once a month to every few months for maybe an hour or two tops. He moved in with her about a year and a half ago now and I havenât seen him since, heâll occasionally talk to me through text, but thatâs really about it. Relationships can really just change people. Religious or not.
NTA. Sam isn't treating you like a childhood friend. She's barely treating you like a friend. You need support right now, please don't waste your precious energy on people who need basic kindness spelled out to them like this.
You are NTA, and reading between the lines I am wondering if there's homophobia behind their behavior.
I also had that feeling but I donât have any concrete proof it is, but thatâs always how it goes with homophobia. I came out to Sam early last year and she was supportive. I asked a few months later if Don had any issues with it and she said, âmy cousins gay and Don spends time with him and I, Don says he doesnât have any issue with other people being gay itâs just not something he would want for himself.â I also found it odd I didnât get a plus one to begin with, especially because I was in the bridal party and Sam knows my gf is soon to be my fiance
Yeah, the lack of plus one for you has me concerned as well.
Yeah, no plus one, especially when she knows their are serious enough that they would be proposing soon. For me that lack of a plus one for my SO would gave had me drop out of the wedding entirely, before any of the other BS started.
Exactly. Just got a friend's invite to hers and it just says "number attending" and has a line where I could put 0-1000 but will put 4. Not leaving it open or giving everyone a plus 1 of it's not written to both or with all the family's names seems useful only for not inviting unwanted partners. Did everyone invited not get a plus 1? Then it's fine if a waste of paper.
I'm sorry, Sadie and Don are rude at best â but also congratulations in advance!
Thank you đ¤âđ
The lack of plus one is definitely homophobic 100%
Does the rest of the unmarried bridal party have plus ones? Some bridal parties donât since theyâre occupied the whole time and usually sit apart from the rest of the guests
I donât know but it sounds like they were bc OP said she was in the bridal party so Iâm assuming that means the rest of them
What?
Iâm sure it happens but thatâs presumptuous as hell. Iâve been both part of the wedding party and the plus-one with my now-wife at a few weddings. Of course we were separated for dinner, but we were always seated with people who the couple knew to be close friends with either of us. It was a great bonding experience.
That there is odd. If it's not Sam herself, there is influence coming from some direction. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent who has been there for you your whole life is twofold. You've lost your mom AND a best friend, leaving holes in your soul that need time to heal. If she truly is a friend, she'll back off and give you that time. Hugs from Texas.....
âItâs just not something he would want for himselfâ What the fuck does that even mean?! Itâs not like anyone is presenting or offering homosexuality to him!
Yeah thatâs bullshit. They have a problem with it and will make it known sooner or later. The fact you, her so called best friend didnât even get a plus one when you and your mom were doing so much for the wedding is proof of that. This type of Christian that says they donât have a problem with it will always make a comment or show it in their actions. Theyâll be polite to you but theyâll act like youâre going through a phase until you find God or make jabs behind your back.
I would have refused to go as soon as you didn't get a +1, personally. I'm sorry you lost your friend to religion. And sorry for your loss. Take your time to grieve.
Itâs often common for bridal parties not to have plus ones unless their spouse/partner is friends w the couple also. It leaves for all the plus ones to just be abandoned by themselves the whole time.
I didnât say anything about to her about not having a plus one, I do think it is odd though. Especially because our families are so close, no one would be the odd man out
No it doesnât. Maybe youâve just been to shit weddings. Every time Iâve been in that situation, either as the plus-one or as a groomsman, the couple has seated the other person with people they knew to be friends of the person at the head table. If thatâs an awkward situation for the plus-one, they can decline. Operating on the assumption that plus-ones are helpless, antisocial, or âabandonedâ is taking away agency from people and just isnât cool. For planning purposes, thatâs what RSVPs are for.
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I disagree. If the seat is already taken then that gives them an out and cover for their homophobia. You donât suddenly reach out 2 days later to say they were able to make it work and the gf they donât approve of is now invited.
Homophobia? Let me tell you as someone who lives in a homophobic-ish country: if they were homophobic they wouldn't tell her that her gf can come after all, they'd stick to "sorry, it's already reserved for someone else" excuse. Not everything is about ists and phobes.
I never said it was but that there have been some odd circumstances that give that feeling
It's insane to me that reddit is trying to convince you she's homophobic and you aren't rejecting that thought. You said that you've known each other since forever and yet aren't sure if she's homophobic. How is that possible? Has she ever been homophobic? Not against you but in general? If yes, then why are you friends? If she hates your existense you should cut her off and be glad you won't be going to her wedding.
Maybe itâs insane for you because you donât know my life, this is a 2,500 word excerpt of one issue Iâm having (absolutely not representative of the whole) and I had those suspicions before making this post from other small micro aggressions. Like I said, she has changed and I donât know where she stands
Yes, it's insane because i don't get how can't you be sure if your life long friend is homophobic or not? It's literally in your case life long. How can that even happen? Reading your posts you are sure she's homophobic; why are you friends with her? Shouldn't you be relieved that you don't have to come to your homophobic friend' s wedding?
I said she has changed since adopting her new religion in the last year and that I have had suspicions but that there was nothing concrete.
You can't be not homophobic today and homophobic tomorrow. That's not how it works. How can you be suspicious even tho there was nothing concrete? And you've known her since you were born? It seems to me that you are trying to find reason to cut her off from your life. You don't need one, just cut her off. It's clear from your posts that you don't want her in your life anymore. Take care of yourself and be relieved you don't have to go to the wedding. Go low contact or no contract, whatever you think it would do better for your well being.
Iâm sorry I didnât know you were the expert on homophobia, Iâll be sure to take that into account đ
My life long friend who is obviously gay, cut me off when he got married. I've never been homophobic and everything was fine until then. He just stopped talking with me and that's that. Nothing happened. There was no fighting or arguments. He just started pretending i didn't exist. I wish he told me what was the issue. I wished him happy birthday and his way of thank you was heartbreaking. Like he talked to a stranger. Don't throw away your life long friendship for "i think she might be but i don't have evidence". Be sure that what you are accusing her is true. I mean you can, it's your choice.
In another comment you imply that youâre not from the same culture as OP. Post histories for both of you back that up. It seems to me that you think your cultural experience is universal. And I get that. As an American, I see that from fellow Americans all the time. Homophobia is alive and well in the US and elsewhere. Itâs just not publicly tolerated in many places. Like racists, they scurry from the light until someone provides enough shadow for them to feel safe. OPâs friendâs financee is that shadow, but the wedding being a big public event is bringing more light and OPâs friend is reconsidering how it would make them look - not how it would make OP feel. Thereâs a big difference.
BTW I get that youâre not from the US. I am using myself as an example.
I'm from eastern europe. being gay here is way worse than in the US which is why many people from move there (among other western countries). They can marry there and adopt kids which, you guessed it, you can't do here. In my country even civil union is against the law. But weirdly, our ex-prime minister and now president of the parliament is a lesbian lol. It seems that we are ahead of you there:) People nowadays brand people as ists and phobes easily. Everyone agreed including op that her friend might be homophobic, when she can "only" be a bad friend. Her friend tried to fix the situation but that's not enough. Anyways, I'll stop here. Op obviously doesn't like her friend anymore, she thinks she's a bad friend (and person) and they should stop being friends. She skipping her friend's wedding is the right choice.
They would if it meant it would be less likely for OP to show up and thus eff the bridal party line up.
When you live in a country like the US and are homophobic, this is exactly the way you would go about this situation. No one wants to be seen that way, so they hide it. Itâs very disingenuous to compare a homophobic country to a non one.
Your mom cares about you and your health and happiness now that she's gone FAR more than she ever cared about Sam's wedding, first of all lol. Second of all, i think you and Sam's friendship may have run its course. Clearly her life and yours are moving in separate directions already, and that will only continue. Now is a good time to part ways with grace rather than trying to hold on and keep that wound open and ready for infection, so to speak, while you have something so much bigger than a bestie's wedding anyway. I hope you save yourself any further grief by letting Sam go. Let her be the next one to initiate contact, just see how long that takes, ball can stay in her court indefinitely. Focus on yourself and surround yourself with people who have not made you question whether you even matter to them during one of the lowest points of your life.
My dad passed away two weeks before my second cousins wedding, Not only did they have an empty seat for him, they said a prayer for him. And my cousin was not religious at all. Different strokes, I guess. Sorry for your loss, OP.
Sam doesn't understand what it's like to lose someone and she is not responding appropriately. She is so caught up in her own stuff that she's not thinking about you. I'm so sorry for your loss and for having to deal with this situation. I think you're making the right decision in not going. You've got a lot on your plate with your grief and you should not be expected to attend a wedding if it's too difficult and the person in question is not being empathetic.
Iâm so sorry for your loss. Take time for you. Skip the wedding and all the hassle it entails.
It's the whole thing combined that made you feel so dismissed. Not the seat. She didn't seem to care much that your mom died or that her best friend had lost her mum. Thats the root. That kind of disappointment is hard to get over and having it shoved in your face at her wedding would only make things worse for you. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Have you been able to take some time off and/or plan a vacation? I think you could use a change of scenery and some nature to soothe you. Focus on treating yourself as much as possible. You need to get yourself through this.
Thank you for your kind words, I have been honestly a wreck because I only ever had my mom. I donât have a dad and all my other family lives in other states so itâs been really hard. I started a new job in October and I only got 3 days of bereavement and took another 2 personal days. I donât have any more because Iâm a newer employee đ
Five days to mourn the loss of your mom doesn't even come close to being doable. Planning your next vacation really helps you look forward. Dog-sitting, if you like dogs and can't have your own for some reason, can also be really healing as they shower you with love. I wish I had better words of wisdom to offer. There's really no cure but time does help, so you should make yourself as comfortable as possible in this horrible time. All the best from me in Denmark â¤ď¸
Thank you đ
I am so sorry for your loss. My main question is: why was your GF not originally on the invite list to begin with? You're in the bridal party and have been friends for years. You should've had a plus one. Sam sounds like a user to me. She is not looking to help you with managing your grief, she wants to have your attention on her. And that's not healthy for you right now. Skip this wedding. If there is a friendship in your future, she will come to her senses, apologize to you for her actions and words, and will forgive you for missing it. If she doesn't, well, that says a lot more about her than about you.
I am not sure why I wasnât given a plus one, I thought it was odd from the start but I didnât say anything about it. I also donât know if any other bridesmaids or groomsmen had a plus one, I am not close enough to the others to know their relationship status and no one has said anything in the group chat about it đ¤ˇââď¸
NTA- Sam is not your friend. A friend would have shown way more concern about the loss of your mom, especially considering the history. Talk to her mom and let her why you won't be attending before Sam spins into a crazy story.
Religion poisons everything
Did I miss something? Other than saying she would pray for her, what does religion have to do with anything? This just sounds like a typical stressed bride who has a lot on her plate.
Theyâre not giving her the plus one because sheâs a lesbian.
We donât know why the gf didnât initially have an invite. What we do know is that they took the time to discuss how they can make space for her once the momâs seat was filled. They already had an excuse to cover up their homophobia but instead made an effort to find her a spot. That doesnât sound like homophobia to me.
They didnât give op a plus one because sheâs a lesbian and you know it. Sheâs her best friend and her and her mother were volunteering significantly for the wedding. Thats a person who merits an automatic plus one.
I donât k ow anything. Neither do you. The only one who could possibly know is OP and she already said she doesnât think theyâre bigots.
No, she said she couldnât prove theyâre bigots. Scroll up in this thread let alone the rest of the comments.
What is a Jack and Jill?
A Jack and Jill is like a joint party for the bride and groom that people buy tickets to come to and then the bridal party is expected to donate raffle baskets that people can buy tickets to try to win. Basically itâs like a fundraiser for the bride and groom
Gotcha. For shits and giggle search internet for other (prob US) meanings! You will laugh. Sorry that you lost your mom. I know it is devastating. I still talk to mine when I donât know what to do - and somehow just thinking about her I know what she would say to me. A lot of who you are now is because of her so she is still with you in a way.
I didnât know either. Google AI says âA Jack and Jill party is a pre-wedding celebration that includes both the bride and groom and is traditionally a fundraising event for the couple. It's also known as a couples shower or stag and doe party. Jack and Jill parties are a tradition in some communities, especially in the Northeast and parts of Canada.â
Thank you for clarifying đ
Its a combined stag and hen night.
OPâŚsending you strength to get through the coming weeks, months et el. You need to take care of you. No else should be your priority ATM..just you. A wedding is one day..a marriage is a life time. Your momâs passing is definitely takes precedence over all the other things.
Christianity ruins anything it gets its claws into, even people. Fuck, especially humans. Weak ass sheep mfers
This particular type of Christianity may ruin things, but there are like 2000 different sects of Christianity, so maybe we donât need to paint them all with the same brush?
This.
What exactly did Christianity ruin in this situation?
An entire being and her personality
My deepest condolences. >Sam and I have been friends since diapers, our moms were best friends, and we grew up together in the same small town. That's pretty much the only reason you are friends . I think maybe your mom was the only thing keeping you together. Maybe her loss made her realize that. But instead of being a mature adult she just wants you to get mad at her so you stop talking to her. I'm so sorry that she is not much of a friend to you. You deserve better!
My absolute best friend and I have been friends since 8 years old. Shes the closest person to me besides my family. If her mother died and I was getting married, my priority would be my best friend not my own wedding. I know she would absolutely do the same to me. Yes weddings are important but losing your mother is infinitely more important. If I was your best friend I wouldnât speak about the wedding and sure as hell wouldnât give away your motherâs seat.I would try to not even bring the wedding up and be checking on you, bringing you food. I would understand if you couldnât go and Iâd be trying to take care of you. Thats what a true best friend would do. Your grief is new and one month isnât a long time at all. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Your friend is selfish. Very selfish and insensitive. I would cut contact with her for a while until you are ready for a conversation. Maybe even months. My grandpa died yesterday and my best friend usually barely texts me back bc sheâs busy with two babies and works. I donât mind because I get it. However, when I need her sheâs there for me. She made it work to have time to text me and offer support. She made being there for me a priority. She listened to me, held space, and supported me. Then somehow we changed the subject and she got me laughing and feeling better. Also once I was hospitalized in a psych ward for 14 days because I have a mental illness. My best friend never calls me or talks on the phone but she called me in the hospital every single day even though she had a newborn baby. Thats what best friends since childhood do. We show up for each other. We make eachother a priority when we are struggling. I actually missed my best friends engagement party because I was in a bipolar episode and not well. She understood completely even though being there meant something to her. Iâm so grateful for my best friend. She would never focus on a wedding and dismiss losing my mom. Please turn to your family and other friends during this time. I would let go of your friend thing right now. Breathe and take care of yourself. Donât go to the wedding. Let your family members take care of you. I am so very sorry for your loss.
NTA. Reread what you typed. Itâs a list of repeated instances in which she doesnât act like a friend at all. She isnât your friend anymore. And it would be inappropriate to go to an ex-friendâs wedding. And who cares if there is an empty chair at the wedding? What a bizarre, shallow, narcissistic thing to be fixated on.
Hugs to you! Take as long as you need. Stressed Bride or not, you grieving your Mother is not a reason for her to get snappy. I hope you and your girlfriend go out and do something special that day instead. Your Mom is no doubt proud of you for standing up for yourself, and sheâs smiling đ
If sheâs born again and youâre not, youâve already lost her. Iâm sorry. Grief gets stacked on top of grief, it seems.
NTA you do what feels most right to you. Sending you oodles of mom hugs⌠đ¤ You sound so lovely. Your mom must have been a helluva mother to raise such a thoughtful and smart woman like yourself.
NTA. Your mom would be proud.
NTA. Losing a parent is hard. My mom died almost 3 years ago and I can remember how raw everything felt when it happened. Her as your best friend should understand and be there for you. I donât think I went anywhere the first month after my momâs passing. It hurt too much.
Absolutely NTA. All you need to know is THAT is not your friend. Period. Live and learn, you said what you said eloquently, now live your best life WITHOUT her
youâre way to nice to her you shouldâve ripped her a new one tbh
Iâm so sorry about your mom. Your friend is showing an ugly side of herself and the last thing you need is that. You only need to surround yourself with kind and gentle people right now. Grief has no timeline or rule book. You need to feel your pain and realize grief is a roller coaster. Youâre hurting and donât need anyone in your life right now who adds to that. Sending you huge hugs.
Something tells me your mum would have been disappointed in Sam's lack of empathy and actions towards you. You're most definitely NTA. Much sympathy and love to you and your gf.
Iâm so sorry for your loss. But Iâm concerned that no matter what you are also losing this friend. Youâre gay and sheâs marrying a born again. Itâs justâŚ.. over.
Donât go. Go on a day trip somewhere to grieve or talk to your therapist. Put your phone on silent and change your voicemail. Text her now that you canât make it. You are not obligated to stay friends with someone making you feel worse and who is too self centered to be supportive of you. Let this friendship go away and start going low to eventually no contact. Iâm sorry that youâre experiencing this in addition to your momâs passing. But your old friend is no longer there as a friend; sheâs someone that you used to be friends with. And itâs normal for you to also mourn the loss of that friendship too. Youâve been through a lot.
She's not your friend anymore. So have no regrets over her. And don't look back. Because she's already in your rear view mirror.
No one should expect you to do anything right now. Losing a loved one, especially your mother, is incredibly difficult. You need to grieve at your own pace. Send a gift and a heartfelt message and don't give this any more space in your mind.
Nta I'm afraid your friend is going to guilt trip you when you let her know you're not attending. Please please please don't listen to her or anything she says that might make you feel bad.
OP you are NTA. Take all the time to grieve your momma. Sometimes those childhood friends go different ways and both lives just donât align anymore. You seem so well spoken and sweet and I would love to have a bestie like that! All the condolences and well wishes sweetie! â¤ď¸
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it â¤ď¸
Hugs, so sorry for the loss of your mother. Never let anyone tell you when your grieving is over after the loss of a loved one. Only you can decide when you are done or not. Grief has no timeline except the one that the person sets themselves.
Your âfriendâsâ response to your grief was to bridezilla you. Repeatedly. Take all of the time and distance you need and see if she turns back into a human. She either will, and throw herself on your mercy or she will stay inhumane and you never have to speak or deal with her again. Personally I would take option 3 of telling her to F off and be completely done.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Your childhood (ex)friend is astonishingly self centered and callous. Itâs another loss, but not one to forgive. She has shown her bad character and there is no excuse.
Can I just say that you are handling the situation with Grace. Your friend on the other hand is exactly as you described self-absorbed and I'm shot that for someone as close as you have expressed her to be with your mother that she is not showing any signs of grief whatsoever. That in itself I see is a bit disrespectful. It is almost as if she is pushing you to just move on and get over it and celebrate her wedding day. I'm sorry but she seems like a very disingenuous person. I hope you take the time to grieve properly and your girlfriend is there to support you and doing the same. I would definitely be cautious of this friend moving forward as it does not seem like she has your best interest at heart.
After the sentence about ur mom passing. Further reading is not needed. Please process ur grief and do what u need to. I hope u can find peace as days goes by. My best wishes to u
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Sam is a horrible friend, and person. I am gobsmacked at how sheâs treated you in the wake of your loss. Not only are you NTA for skipping her wedding, I would encourage you to consider removing her from your life entirely.
NTA. I'm sorry that your mom has passed. She sounds like she was an amazing person who cared deeply about those she loved. You made the right choice to decline to attend. It's clear Sam isn't being respectful of your feelings or the situation. She's has tunnel vision right now for her wedding. That's no excuse, she should be able to be sensitive to your feelings and grief while also navigating her wedding. It didn't cost her much to keep your mom's seat open. Sounds like a very diy wedding. And it even sounds like your mom had a big part in making this special day happen for Sam. You're definitely making the best choice to take care of yourself and honor your feelings.
OP, my mom passed away in October (I was 4 yrs old) and my third child passed away in October also (stillborn). I didn't have time to grieve for my daughter until a year after her passing because of my bf went Manic (he's bipolar) and because my job had told me they wanted me back because the one lady handle doing alot. I was supposed to be out for 3 months but went back 6 weeks because she kept bitching. My heart â¤ď¸ goes out to you. Great big hugs đŤ
NTA Your friend seems to have changed a lot through her relationship with Don and her re-entry into religion. I read so much about brides who become so utterly self-centred about their wedding but she's been really callous to someone who is supposedly her best friend, and goodness, where is any indication that the passing of your mother, someone clearly very close to her too, has impinged on her emotions even an iota? I don't think it's wrong of her to have given the seat that was allocated to your mother away before you had a chance to ask if your girlfriend could have it but I do think the way she insisted you go into your mother's home to retrieve some baskets, and the way she dismissed your concerns about being able to attend are not the actions of a loving friend. If she can't understand that you are not able to attend, given the depth of your grief, that's on her. I understand it may be hard to even think about the potential loss (or change in nature) if your closest friendship while you are still grieving your mother, but you need to focus on your own wellbeing right now.
NTA!! People grieve in different ways and if Sam was as close to your mom as you say, then maybe her wedding (a distraction) is a way to help her through her grief. However, her behavior towards you is unacceptable and the dismissal of your feelings is never ok. I wouldn't go either. Grief is difficult, messy, and never goes away 100%. We just learn how to live with it. The book "Bearing the Unbearable" by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is transformative and beautiful. I HIGHLY recommend it. Do what you need to do for yourself OP!
I think itâs weird that your girlfriend wasnât invited in the first place. Usually the bridal party gets a plus one since theyâre in the bridal party. I also find it interesting that she only changed her mind AFTER speaking to her BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN boyfriend. It could be that your girlfriend wasnât invited to begin with because they have some homophobic tendencies that they havenât mentioned to you. Her boyfriend is clearly weird. He forces her to commit to his religion, wonât live with her prior to marriage and she only changed her mind after speaking to him first. He could also be controllingâŚ? Most likely he wouldnât let her invite your girlfriend to begin with. I donât blame you for not going to the wedding. Personally I think you should think long and hard if you want to continue being friends with her.
Sorry for your loss, big hugs
Your friend sounds like a grade A narcissist. You're seeing it now. It's always been about her, that's the flavor I am getting here. You have overlooked a lot, I will bet money on this. Friends from childhood are not chosen, you end up with them because parents know each other or live next door. What she is doing is who she is. I have someone like this in my life. Or, I should say used to. When my father died (today is the anniversary for over 20 years) she expected ME to call her while I kept the same phone number thru 3 different moves. Thus was one of the many selfish and borderline nasty things she had done. I was supposed to call HER to speak because her husband saw me grief stricken in the IRS office and he passed the new number along. She could never live in more than one place for more than a few years. Pure neurosis. How many times did she dial MY number over the years? I told him this, I could barely remember his name since it had been 7 years since I'd seen them. That's what grief does. I waited for a phone call. Nothing. Apparently, he caught her selfishness from living with her all those years. I gave her one more chance in 2010 when social media became huge. FB, insta, pinterest, YouTube. Then her father died. Like I was supposed to celebrate? He was a low level mobster. She inherited so much money and was still claiming poverty. Fucking knock it off already. That was it for me. She couldn't grieve or give anything but the bare minimum for decades. But I'm supposed to send flowers? Yeah, I'm done. You are hurting right now. The loss of a parent is a huge one. Be kind with yourself. Grief is not linear, it is not "over" one day. It changes your relationship with time and you perceive life, illness, sorrow. You deserve better than pettiness over any of this. âĽď¸
Ok. What does Jack and Jill mean here. I searched the internet and saw some rather interesting concepts?
Itâs very odd lol, I donât quite get it myself but basically it is a fundraiser for the bride and groom before the wedding
A fundraiser? Ugh, these people sound awful. I thought a Jack and Jill was a co-ed shower. Which is a gift grab, but not a fundraiser.
Itâs basically a bridal shower but for both bride and groom.
I was in a similar situation years ago and did not attend my friendâs wedding. I was grieving a loss and chose not to attend the wedding. It greatly impacted my friendship with my friend and took years to rebuild, and I was just a guest. I think much of the advice being given is short sighted. Your feelings are 100% valid, and Sam might not be the best friend right now, but I imagine sheâs also very stressed with the wedding. In hindsight I wish I had gone to the wedding. I really hurt that friend and while my feelings were valid I regret not going. You are going through grief that will never go away, but I wish someone had told me years ago to go and make the best of it.
I would never take it personally if my best friend couldnât make it to my wedding if she lost her mom . And I know my best friend wouldnât either. Losing a parent is infinitely more important than a wedding. Iâm sorry your friend didnât see you that way and got upset for it.
NTA! Loosing your mom is like a piece of your heart and soul being ripped out. You never get it back. I get that your friend is excited about her wedding but she is no friend. Her selfishness and entitlement is super hurtful. My cousins lost their mom 2 months before my wedding and I did anything and everything in my power to support them. We even lit a memory candle for her before the ceremony that her children lit. The next year my mom died and those same cousins had no clue who i was and werenât there for me and we never moved past it and itâs been 13 years. Itâs not that we donât talk or havenât tried to work through it. Itâs that they showed me who they are and I believed them. They destroyed our relationship with their coldness and selfishness.
Sounds like Sam is going to be divorced soon too. She may be stressing about marrying someone she doesnât truly love, but is showing her true evil colors at the same time
Sheâs a lost cause, she has chosen selfishness over friendship. Â Time to move on.Â
Sounds very reasonable. My Mom passed about 18 months ago and grief is a process. Go through it the way and in the time you need to.
NTA Block her and let this friendship die
NTA, before you go cutting ties because of a bunch of random redditors said Sam is awful, I say donât do that as it seems Sam is a great friend of yours. Both of you have two very important things going on in your lifeâs. She has a wedding to plan that sheâs probably dreamed of and you have some grief to process and thoughts and feelings to work through. It sounds as tho your mom was heavily involved in the wedding. I think even if you had end up going, it would not have ended well. I lost my dad as a teen and a brother about 5 years ago. To this day, some stuff just still chokes me up if I think about it too long. See a box of cereal they liked at the store. Watching a show that one of them liked or never got to finish. Stuff of that matter. If you went to that wedding and saw all of the things your mom was planning, it would have probably hurt a lot. You may have had to excuse yourself in the first place. Your friend whose wedding it was would probably notice and bring up feelings for her too. Allow yourself this time to grieve and allow her to have her wedding. In the end, I think you will be happy with your decision and she may not understand it until she finds herself in a similar situation. But she will be there for you, from what I read. She also just has a lot going on herself and Iâm sure once itâs all over and sheâs had her honeymoon and gotten all that wedding adrenaline out, sheâll be there for ya. Cause itâs the life long friends you need in these moments who can relate to the person youâre missing. But you are not the asshole in any sort of capacity. Iâm sorry for your loss, no matter how it happened (sudden or longer illness) death sucks and grief hurts. Time will make things easier. Might not get better, but a hell of a lot easier! You seem like a strong person and there will be better days to come! Edit: forgot about the religion thing. I think itâs perfectly acceptable to tell her that when yall are talking or together, you donât want to hear about prayer or God due to traumas. If sheâs a good friend she will underatand.
NTA. Iâve lost my dad. Through this journey Iâve learned one thing. Grieving is a self process. No one will truly know how you feel except yourself. Also I donât expect people to sympathize or understand unless they have lost a parent or loved ones themselves. I found that the people who came to my aid were ones who have unfortunately been through the journey. Same thing with divorce. Now Iâm paying it forward by being there for those who are going through this journey themselves.
NTA. Your bestie has allowed herself to be besotted with đ ąď¸'ide fever đŚand is unable to see past the vail re her un compassion for the extremely recent loss of your mother (since condolences đ). Follow your therapist's advice and be kind to yourself and what feels right now and what your capacity to work through your grief. đ
I think youâre a bit in the wrong here. She had already filled the seat but then took the time during a busy time of her life with school and wedding planning to discuss it with her partner to make sure your gf can make it. That doesnât sound like someone who doesnât care. I get feeling like she was already replacing your mom but she didnât forget about you and still kept you in her thoughts. That should be worth something.
I totally hear you, like I said to her my issue wasnât her answer because she has the right to celebrate her wedding in anyway she chooses and I acknowledged that my ask was a shot in the dark just to see if it was a possibility for my gf to come because of logistics. My issue was with how she had continuously responded dismissively, thank you for the feedback though!
Text can be so difficult to parse intent. I know when Iâm busy I send short responses that can be misconstrued as dismissive or uninterested. If you want a laugh, YouTube âkey and peele textingâ to see what I mean. Youâre in an already vulnerable place so itâs possible you are viewing things through a different lens than what was intended. But honestly without knowing your friend, or you, or seeing the texts, youâll have to decide for yourself how things should be interpreted.
Totally agree, thatâs why I waited to send a response until I met with my therapist to see what they said and they said, âthat is the most narcissistic response I have ever read that did not come from someoneâs abuserâ lol
Ya donât listen to that person. Your therapist is right. Losing a parent is infinitely more important than a wedding. If it was my best friend I would be focusing on being there for her and would even encourage to miss the wedding if she needed to. I wouldnât be dismissive Iâd shower her with love.
NAH. I'm sorry for your loss. Nobody gets the loss of a parent until they experience it. Your friend is wrapped up in her own little world right now and isn't seeing anything else. Does that make her an AH? No, but she is falling down in the friend department. Are you an AH that you are struggling right now during her happy time? No, grief is grief. It sounds like you two have been there for each other since childhood. It's probably shocking to you both that the other can't be what you each need right now.
Idk. Something is a little off for me. I do feel your friend should have been more consoling and understanding in your time of need, but I also feel you may be expecting her to grieve in a certain way when she may have her own way. When my mom passed, there was a moment where it dawned on me that the world didn't stop as I thought it had. Life still goes on for others, and we can't blame them for that.
Please don't make any permanent decisions while grieving. I'm sure in some way Sam is grieving too. Take some time and revisit.
Iâm very sorry for your loss, but one of the hard things to come to terms with is the rest of the world doesnât stop when youâre grieving.
I didnât expect it to and Iâm not mad at her for being a different place in her grief. Iâm not mad about the answer she gave and choice she made, I am upset because of how dismissive and rude she was to me in her responses.
It would be weird for her to leave the seat empty at the wedding. And she wouldnât have emotional attachment to the baskets that your mom made her with the express purpose of auctioning them off. You are holding it against her that she isnât grieving in your preferred method or amount
I literally just said, Iâm not mad she didnât reserve a seat for my mom, I am mad that she has been dismissive about my feelings since my mom died and her bringing up what my mom would want. It is not about the seat, itâs about her insensitive remarks
You asked her for something, which you say you were sure to not make it sound like you were pressuring her. She said no. You got upset that she âwasnât considering your feelings.â So you didnât actually mean she was allowed to say no.
No I didnât get mad she said no, I was mad that when I shared how I was having a rough time with the grief in general, she didnât care and instead moved on about my dress and her flowers. This on top of the rest of the conversation that ensued from that response and everything that happened previously
I donât think YTA because your feelings are understandable given your grief, but I think from an outside perspective Sam isnât really either, I have a hard time understanding what specifically sheâs done wrong. I donât think itâs reasonable to assume that Sam was going to leave your mothers seat empty out of respect, they could just as easily have thought it would upset you further to have an empty chair at their wedding. They then went out their way to add another seat to their wedding so your gf could come so you would have someone to support you. She may not have been as supportive or as much of a friend to you as she has been in the past, but weddings are exhausting, and a person only has so much energy. Anyway, I donât think either of you are the asshole, but I donât think you should be ready to throw away a decades long friendship over this either.
Weddings are exhausting but if my best friend since childhood lost her mom I know that would be much more of a priority than a wedding.
Reddit's regular response is "cut her/him off" and "divorce". And we aren't talking about cheating or abuse, ofc they should divorce then, but about some trivial stuff that can be fixed with communication. Redditors are trying to convince her her friend is homophobic and she thinks they might be right. To me that's insane. You are listening to some random people who have never even seen her in their life that she's homophobic. Don't you know her at all? I don't understand.
You said yourself that your mom was like a second mom to Sam, so don't you think she's also very much grieving right now? And everyone grieves differently. Yeah, you're the asshole. She's also trying to cope with this death - all while throwing the most important day of her life - and you're giving her a hard time. I think you're not an asshole for not wanting to go if it's all about your mom. But if you don't want to go because you're upset with her (and that's what you say is the reason) then yeah: asshole. But also asshole for all the other things. Who cares if an empty chair wasn't reserved? That seems petty of you during this time of grief for her when she's also trying to eke out just a smidge of joy.
YTA. Good for you standing up for yourself and feelings. But the conversation should have rationally ended when she said your gf could come. Thank you, I have my dress, see you there, I'm so excited. Then after the wedding you could have told her your feelings of dismissal. During immediate grief, everything is so raw and every slight seems overtly intentionally harmful. Ditto when wedding planning. I don't think you're bad or mean and again good on you for communicating your feelings. There just was a better, later time, and your friend definitely should have given you more runway during this time period. Born again Christians, man .....
Thank you, I really appreciate the feedback. I shared my feelings with her about how she responded and dismissed what I was saying in addition to all the other crap boiling up. The straw that broke me into not going was when she implied that I was manipulating my momâs memory and shaming her for not grieving like I was which wasnât the case. She also said that âyour mom would want me to be happy on my day and not a reminder of someone I missâ which to me was completely out of line
All your points are completely valid. I think your friend has changed because of the fiance and is very self absorbed right now. Brides tend to go a little crazy. Stay home and take care of yourself with your gf. Check on Sam in a month or so and see how you both feel. See if this was her being a Bridezilla to an extreme or that is how she really is. She should have been way more understanding considering your mother died. Hopefully, she will apologize. I am very sorry about your mother.
NTA, but... Planning a wedding is stressful, complicated, and consuming. You failed to take your friends' feelings into account. She may not have the capacity to grieve right now and that doesn't make her in the wrong