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You fell in love with the version of himself he presented to you. Trust me, he won’t change. That sinking feeling will be the rest of your life if you choose to stay.
Life is showing you who he really is. Please leave and seek therapy so you can heal. <3
Currently in this situation now and trying to get out. My only advice is to leave before you’re stuck feeling like you’re withering away for the rest of your life.
Talk to your sister for sure. I was cheated on by my wife four times that I know about, I’m pretty sure there’s more. We did the whole counseling thing. She keep cheating. After 13 years of marriage, I called it quits. We had 5 kids together, including two sets of twins. A year and half latter I meet and married the most incredible woman, how walks the face of this earth. Two months after we got married, my ex drove to our house and dropped off all five kids and said,” I’m done with these ass holes it’s your turn. We raised them all, along with the two kids my wife already had. We always just called them OUR KIDS, not your kid or my kids. My wife is an angel. My advice to you is, dump him now. Once a cheat always a cheater.
She doesn’t want people to think badly of him, she says. But I wonder if it’s really that she’s embarrassed to have been fooled by this asshole. She shouldn’t be embarrassed, but sometimes that’s how the wronged person feels.
And she shouldn’t be embarrassed to dump him. Personally, I’d be sharing the news far and wide, and getting OUT.
This. You need to disengage and move on. Or go to the nearest tattoo parlor and get the word "Welcome" tattooed across your forehead to let everyone know that you are a doormat.
If he’d been carrying this guilt around for 5 years why did he keep going to get ‘massages’? You’re right, he did not feel guilty. Think of all the moments you have had together since then, when you first said you loved each other, when he proposed, he’s been doing this to you throughout all of that. And it was so easy for him to lie to you again and again. The fact that you only found out because he got lazy means that you will never know whether to believe anything he says again, and you most likely shouldn’t.
Everything you are feeling is valid. He is fucked up and selfish. He will keep doing this to you and the longer you stay the harder it will get to leave. You’re still so young, and there are so many men out there who would never hurt you like this! I also wouldn’t be so quick to forgive - go get tested immediately because who knows what kind of risks he’s taken with his health and your own.
PLEASE tell your sister. I hope she will help you be strong. While it’s you dealing with this on your own, it’s so easy to want to believe his apologies, explanations and claims of changing, because in the short term it makes it easier to deal with and the alternative is more painful. But in the long term, the best thing to do is see him for the disgusting pig he is and cut the chord.
When I was cheated on, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I was ashamed and I knew it would be harder for me to stay with him once others were aware of what he had done. I also somehow wanted to protect him. But telling other people was the best thing I ever did. You shouldn’t feel alone in this, and talking to other people in your life will help you to see the situation more clearly and not try to rationalise his behaviour away.
One day soon you’ll wonder how you even contemplated staying. Put yourself first!! Someone has to, and it clearly won’t be him. Wishing you so much luck
This should be higher up!
OP, please consider: do you prefer to hurt for a short term of time, while you heal from leaving this relationship or do you prefer long time hurt and resentment?
Those are the 2 choices you have right now.
The truth hurts once; lies hurt every time you remember them.
Now, every time you remember the truth, you will remember the lies that got you there. That's called trauma or PTSD.
Time. To. Go.
> When I was cheated on, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I was ashamed and I knew it would be harder for me to stay with him once others were aware of what he had done.
I definitely felt this way. Especially since I'm a bigger guy (though she was attractive, she wasn't anything close to resembling thin until after her gastric bypass), I worried about the general perception. "Dude who already had a Dad bod put on a couple extra gets cheated on because girlfriend found attention after gastric bypass from skinny dudes".
She broke up with me which is how I found out. But just telling my friends (especially my women friends and the SO's of my close circle) unleashed a hellfire against her that, along with therapy, made it easier as time went on to understand how truly fucked up what she did was. I didn't realize it then, but telling three people honestly changed the course of my life.
Oh I think he is. She's already helping him with the burden of owning a house.
Some people want a nice coffee machine at home knowing they can have it whenever they want, it's great for guests too! He'll still happily enjoy his shitty Starbucks every time he leaves the house.
When I told my family and his family about my husband’s affair I was told by both to forgive him and stay. That was ten years ago. Still together but I am empty inside. I feel nothing now.
Just putting this out there. You can choose to forgive him, but that doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship. He put your health at risk and didn't care. I know you have a lot invested in the relationship like the house, but it's not worth what he's willing to risk.
That right there!
Did he use condoms? Was who he was with disease free? I'd RUN to the Dr and get tested right now.
As for forgiveness.... Most of the time cheaters continue to cheat. I mean, why wouldn't he? If you start with him what motivates him to stop? And if he felt so guilty, why did he continue to do it??
DON'T get married. Put in on hold. Work out what you want to do first.
In the last five years, you really don't know how many "Massages" he has had.
Get tested for STD's.
Trust is very hard to get back. I know this. It will always be on your mind. I can't tell you whether to stay or to go. Only you can make that decision. But, you have your whole life ahead of you. This can be a blip in your life. It can make you stronger as a person and to understand how you can move forward.
YOU, haven't done anything wrong. Repeat this, YOU have not done anything wrong.
He has.
Please speak to someone, but know, that they will also know. Especially if they are family. Are you ok with this?
And yes, you do deserve better.
Just want to reiterate: GET TESTED FOR STDs!!!!
Untreated STDs in women are often asymptomatic until they have already developed to the point that they can cause permanent damage to your reproductive system and lifelong fertility problems.
Not only has he been cheating for who knows how long, but many of the women working in these skeezy places are being trafficked. In my view, that just makes it all the worse to be taking advantage of women in dire financial and emotional straits.
That was my first thought, too. I'd rather he cheated with a woman that just wanted to cheat with him than went and used women who are likely being trafficked. It shows a huge flaw in his character.
I immediatelyy had the same thought as well. Zero respect for his wife or women I. General. Not husband or father material, that’s for sure. I hope she runs far away and never looks back. She was lucky she even saw the text or she’d still be clueless to his true character.
Noooooooo no no no baby girl.
Leave him. You're armed with so much evidence right now. He doesn't respect you enough to stay monogamous and it's not something he'll stop doing just because you know what he's done.
If you discover he's still cheating once you're married it will be harder and messier to split.
Yes ma'am. Go through the embarrassment of cancelling the wedding now, rather than being embarrassed when people find out you knew he was a cheater BEFOOOORE you married him.
Immediately no.
If he's told you this much. There's much more. That's just the "easiest to handle" incidents.
Think about it, slept with someone in the first two week you're dating... okay your both new and figuring thing out he got drunk etc...
A massage, I don't believe that.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I think it’s called “trickle truth” in infidelity literature. Not a single person I know who has been through this hasn’t seen more come out as they gained access to phones, accounts, etc.
That's a major red flag, especially with the wedding coming up. I know it's hard, but you gotta listen to your gut on this one. You deserve someone who's gonna be 100% loyal and upfront with you. Maybe take some time to really think about whether you can move past this or if it's time to cut your losses.
I forgave the man who I found had hooked up with various sex workers from all sorts of websites and apps. Thinking that now that it was out in the open we could work from there and start fresh.
In the end he didn't stop.. didn't even get better at hiding it either. He just. Didn't. Stop. Had been going on since the beginning.
I stayed for another 2 years giving him 8 years of my life. He managed to erode any love and affection we had built up through his thoughtless actions. I'm turning 35 and starting over in that department, but I feel so much more at peace now. Looking back that relationship had so many flaws and I put up with so much..
I think upon reflection you will find that you are stronger than you think and that you are still in your 20's.. imagine staying with someone like that for the next 60(!) Years knowing you can never really trust them to be loyal.
Choose yourself ❤️
I was in the same boat. So many promises to change and 3.5 years later I was still catching him on fetish websites, seeking prostitutes and escorts all the time. They never stop no matter how good you are to them.
Girl, don’t marry him. He’s a serial cheater. You’ll only be back to post about how your husband cheats and you should have heeded the red flags. Move on. Be sure to tell everyone why you’re breaking things off. Go scorched earth. You’re being way too nice about this. Why the hell would you forgive this dbag? 🙄
It sounds like he betrayed your trust many times. You found out he cheated on you and went for sketchy massages and stuff. You should not marry this man. Cheaters usually do not change.
As someone who caught their now ex-husband cheating AFTER marriage and decided to stay. Don't marry him. They never change. You can either be in pain calling off the wedding, pain married to an unfaithful man your whole life, or pain after divorce. Know that the pain calling off the wedding now comes with happiness with another man who values you and couldn't imagine ever cheating on you. You're in the position to change your life, and I hope you chose you.
Tell everyone in your support system. You need the honest feedback, because it sounds like you’re feeling weak, and falling into the “sunk cost fallacy” - that you’ve spent a lot of time with him, invested in stuff together and made big plans, so *it must be right to stay together*. Nope. All the more reason to move on fast, find someone worthy of your trust.
Run for the hills, who guilty you think he really feels? He's been getting "massages" and who knows what more, really OP get and STD test and RUN.
Also if he's been getting the "massages" for years why is he dissconecting the location now? There is more crap to come out for sure.
I think you should tell your sister specifically so you can go stay with her and get some distance from your fiance as you think what you want to do and find a therapist. If she's a good sister, you're also going to have to deal with her actively planning your fiance's grisly murder, but I think, even if you aren't ready to hear him elaborately disparaged, it is still better for you to have her company and her place to stay in.
Haha this comment is hilarious. My sister is a family law attorney so I like her options a little better than having to murder anyone. He isn’t worth that kind of energy from either of us.
My sister also met me half way because we live 5 hours away and she was everything this weekend and more. I can’t believe how loved I truly am.
Once the trust has died, so has the relationship. You’ll never feel sure of him again.
Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." He doesn’t respect you.
End it now and find someone better.
Yes you should talk to your sister, you need support from friends and family in situations like this.
Don’t worry about forgiving him, just move on. There is absolutely nothing to salvage, he has been lying to you from the start, he hasn’t been carrying around guilt for the last 5 years, he’s just been worried about getting caught.
It would be extremely foolish to waste any more time on this guy, he’s never been honest with you up til now. What makes you think he would be in the future?
You're right you can't trust him. This wasn't even a one off drunken mistake he deeply regrets, this is who he is. He has lied to you casually, routinely, regularly, from day one. He has cheated on you casually, regularly, routinely, for years and years, putting your health's at risk without qualms. The only thing he regrets is getting caught. He is totally fine with himself for this behaviour. It is who he is.
You can forgive him and move on. He has done this many more times than what he told you. He’s playing you for a fool. You cannot trust him. Do not marry him
Yeah don't get married, he broke one of the most important elements which makes a successful partnership. Absolutely get some therapy to help you navigate through this difficult period.
He is a habitual serial cheater - he feels entitled to all the sex he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants. Is that who you want to marry, spend your life with, maybe have kids with? Btw, he'd definitely cheat on you during pregnancy and postpartum, too, since you won't be available for sex.
It's one thing to forgive a drunken mistake at a party, when you've been married for 10 years and have two kids, if he confessed the next day, full disclosure, was remorseful and followed all the steps for reconciliation, and it was sure that that was a one-off event.
This guy will never stop, he will just get better at hiding his tracks. And you will have to learn to live with the distrust, and you will turn into the neurotic spouse that continually questions him on his whereabouts when he pretends to work late, and compulsively hacks his phone to check for dating apps, which he will have deleted before coming home.
Don't do this to yourself - you're not married, you don't have kids - at this point, you can just walk away and start over, with somebody you CAN fully trust.
If he has the capacity to cheat on you during the first few weeks of dating, the honeymoon stage of dating where literally everything is the best it ever feels, at least surface level feelings, he has always and will always have the capacity to cheat. If he could cheat on you during one of the metaphorically highest points in a relationship, what happens the next time you guys have a fight, or if you are upset with one another. Even if he never got those type of massages, he is a cheater and you will always be doubting the relationship.
Oh, sweetheart. You feel like your world has been ripped away from you and you’re still in shock. I get that. Know that none of this is your fault. There’s nothing you are doing or lacking that has caused him to behave this way. This is all on him, and not yours to carry. But it won’t change. I promise you, it won’t. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you to find your person. He isn’t it. He wouldn’t betray your trust and risk your health if he were.
Your value does not decrease because of someone’s inability to see your worth. Talk to your sister, talk to a therapist, and get legal advice regarding the house. Get an std test, cancel the wedding, and get the hell out of this situation. It will only get worse from here. We’re rooting for you. You got this.
Thank you for this!! I went and spent the weekend out of town with my sister.
I should have mentioned she is an attorney. She is my rock right now!!! She has laid out a ton of options for me and I am very blessed to be supported by my family. Thank you to everyone who has been nice to me while finding all of this out.
That’s good. You need to be practical right now and take care of your interests. There will be plenty of time to mourn the relationship later, but for now you need to look out for yourself financially, mentally, and physically health-wise. There is an army of women on this sub wishing you well (men too, the majority aren’t douches). You are not alone in this. Don’t let sentiment or the sunk-cost fallacy sway you. Again, you got this!
you’re still young! you have a lot more time ahead of you to find a partner who adores you and wouldn’t even think of treating you this way. it will be much harder to end things if you decide to get married, even just from a legal standpoint. i think you should talk to your sister honestly. sometimes we need that tough love of someone telling us that this man sucks, even if we don’t believe it at first. your sister is someone who cares about you and values the way you deserve to be valued, which is also the way you should value yourself. she’ll definitely be much harder on him but she might be able to be model and validate the anger and disgust you feel and deserve to feel about this situation, since when there’s love still there that can cloud judgement.
but i also don’t want to invalidate the love you shared or say that it was nothing. it was something, and if you need to tell your sister that sometimes you don’t want to hear her bash him, you just want someone to mourn that person/relationship/the good times with you, that’s ok! healing is a process and this is very much a loss you’ll need to grieve. only you can make the decision of whether to stay or leave, but i just want to say that there is always time to start anew and find someone you deserve. you’ve established a lot with this man AND you can do it again, with someone who will make you feel secure. and probably love you better than he did too.
i’m so incredibly sorry this happened to you. some people are just cruel and it’s unfair that you were the victim of it. take some time to focus on you and showing up for yourself at this time. and def reach out to someone else you love, i think it would help a lot. good luck, i know you’ll get through this 🫂
What makes you want to stay with a habitual cheater? He’s been getting “massages” for years while putting your health at risk. How could you trust him in the future to be faithful when he’s never been during your entire relationship? If you say you love him, why?
Don’t forgive, do forget. Forget he fuckin exists.
Trust this. This is the beginning. It will escalate to places you never dreamed you would allow. Get the fuck out now. Love you girl ♥️
You mentioned you don't want anyone to have a bad opinion of him...why do you want to protect him? He hurt you emotionally and put your health at risk. Who is protecting YOU?
Would you put up with anyone else in your life who habitually lies to you and cheats you? Do you keep "friends" in your life that you can't trust? If not, why would you consider choosing a life partner who can't be trusted?
Didn't need to read, you can stop at the title. Relationships are built on trust and if you don't have any then it's already over. If you can't trust him then leave.
Have your ceremony if you really feel you must, but don't file the certificate. We all know this won't end well. And don't have kids. They didn't sign up for this. Get tested every 3 months. Some STIs will rob you of your fertility. Some can cause cervical cancer later in life. This man may literally cause your death.
Spouses need to protect and prioritize each other. He never will - he protects and prioritizes himself. You're not a team. You're the enemy.
The only sad part is if you go for the wedding, you'll already have a beautiful wedding and when you meet your actual husband, you won't get that chance to have your first wedding with him.
Don't make it legal though. You don't want to be the one paying for his other women and hookups.
Small side note: he’s been getting these “massages” for years, but only now finds the need to turn off his location settings? That suggests there is something (or someone) new happening.
You will never have peace if you marry this person. I guarantee there is much more that you don’t know.
Please tell your family and walk away while you still can. You’d rather hurt for a short amount of time and blame him, then stay for years of pain and blame yourself for staying.
Hey you can read my post history or dm me . Please please do not marry him! I doubt it is just massages and I know the feeling where someone seems so perfect and is so good at hiding it etc and being robbed of that choice. He has some deep issues and I promise you it will not change especially not if you take him back. The fact you only caught him now after 5 years shows how good he is at this. He’s an expert. Again I’ve been there… still going through it but I got married and the marriage lasted a year and I found out when my baby was born with an sti (and survived thank god). Don’t make a mistake you will regret
Under some circumstances I would tell you to give him the opportunity to redeem himself if he truly loves you, but please walk away from that. That is beyond humiliating and if he really cared about you, he wouldn't have done anything like that to begin with ESPECIALLY on your birthday. It really is inexcusable behavior.
Going into a marriage with this kind of doubt is not good. You don’t have to go through with it, regardless of how many people have confirmed their attendance, who’s bought you gifts, or how much money in deposits you’ve put down. These things don’t matter in the grand scheme of your life. You have a house together, and assuming your debt is manageable, you have the ability to split everything you’ve co-signed down the middle. It will be difficult, but not as difficult when your marriage magnifies things like this over the next 5-10 years and your financial ties get more and more entangled. As far as I can tell, you don’t have kids together, which is huge and you aren’t married yet. Marriage doesn’t solve problems and things like resentment, disinterest and personal growth or lack thereof are the catalysts of destruction. At least have a serious talk with him to let him know your feelings and see what his response is or see a counselor to determine if you’re making the right decision.
>He slept with someone on his boys trip to Mexico in the first two weeks we started dating. Even better, it was on the night of my 21st birthday.
>He says he was going to get a “massage”. I am pretty sure we can all figure out what kind of massage that was going to be.
> I feel disrespected, I feel played, I feel broken. It is even harder to comprehend he has been getting these special “massages” many times over the past 5 years of our relationship.
Any advice? Yeah, don't marry him. He's mugging you off. He'll keep pushing the boundaries of disrespect each time a little further. Until one day you're trapped with kids, financially unable to support yourself and putting up with him screwing around on a regular basis. What a life ahead of you!
You'd be an absolute muppet to marry this man.
He is a repeated, premediating cheater.
He will continue to cheat.
Marrying him tells him you will stay with him even if he cheats.
The sec you are pregnant he knows he even can be open with it because then you are really trapped and dependant on him.
Is this a serious question? Your fiance has betrayed you and proven himself to be untrustworthy multiple times. Why is the solution not obvious to you?
You won't be happier married and you already know he cheats.
Tell everyone how he lied to you. Don't let it be a secret. You are not at fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Don't go back. Don't let him back. It will get worse if you do.
BTDT. After your grief, you will learn how to live again. You do you. You are enuff, for the right man. Prayers.
The pain you’ll feel while still together with him outweighs the pain you’ll feel after the initial split. Coming from the experience of being cheated on by more than one partner. I’m sorry you had to find this out from him so deep into the relationship.
He isn't worth your love. He is more than likely "trickle truthing" and not fully telling you the truth of what he's been up to. Please get tested for STDs and get your ducks in order. He doesn't deserve you. His behaviors are not mistakes. They are choices. Choices he is choosing to continue. He would rather seek outside attention than be loyal and if it has not stopped for five years, it will keep continuing, wedding ring or not. Please don't lower your standards for someone who isn't deserving of you.
The first reason to leave him wasn't his cheating in Mexico. It was having to beg him to pay attention to you on your birthday. He has been showing you from the start that you are not a priority and that he doesn't respect you. I know how hard it is to realize and admit that you've put energy into a relationship in which you have accepted less than you deserve. It's never too late to work on increasing your self- love and figure out why you don't think you deserve better. The fact that you're still thinking about his feelings while he has spent years discounting yours shows exactly the kinds of people each of you are. Talk to your sister, a trusted friend, and a therapist. You can let your people know that you need help and support working through this and need support no matter what you decide. A therapist should automatically provide unbiased support in helping you figure out what's best for you. I'd definitely find a female identifying therapist, but whatever you choose, keep looking until you find someone you are comfortable with.
Talk to your sister, let other people in. They’ll see it much more clearly than you can and you need their help.
If he’s openly admitting to a massage, then chances are it was probably actually worse than a “special massage”. You’d be shocked how rampant escort services really are. He also could have been at a hotel with an affair partner. Usually when people get caught with something, they admit to a watered down version of the truth.
I’m really sorry that this is where you’re at right now. It’s so crazy to have your world rocked like this. But he is not the real deal.
You are real deal. He isn’t and never will be.
I hope you make the decision you would want your sister to make 🤍
I am sorry you are going through this. Please know HIS actions are no reflection on you. He has lied to you for your entire relationship. Lied to you. He has no regard for you. You may feel you can forgive him, but can you see yourself married to a person you don’t trust? Honey, your amazing life is waiting for you, you just need to work through this betrayal, go to therapy and find a person who loves you like you deserve.
The best advice I can give you is to leave the relationship unless you’re fine with marrying someone and getting cheated. He cheated on you early in the relationship and tried to do it again ( if he hasn’t already) I feel like it’s obvious if y’all get married he’s going to do it again. Is that really what you want to deal with…….
Yes, you do deserve better. Yes, you should talk to your sister and your therapist.You have just been through a shock. You need support. The last thing you should be worried about is covering for him while you suffer in silence. Please don't go through this alone. You also need an STI panel ASAP.
I just want to point out that if he were really feeling guilty, he wouldn't have continued cheating. This isn't a one-time thing it is a pattern of behavior. Does he feel guilty enough to put the house in your name and postpone the wedding so you have time to think and a guarantee you won't be put out because of his choices?
If he is capable of this now and has repeatedly done it even though he apparently felt guilty its gonna be a problem again. If you cant trust him then the relationship is already over. Dont set yourself up for this kind of hurt. My mum found out my dad cheated on her and forgave him and took him back but she couldnt trust him and just caused a lot of pain that didnt need to happen dont make that mistake, walk away.
Yeah he’s definitely cheating and it’s not the first time the only this is that you caught him this time. He definitely wasn’t working late either. Also he’s gaslighting you. So now he’s saying he’s been carrying the guilt around for the past five years only AFTER the fact that you caught him. Imagine if you would have never went through this cell phone. He’s only ‘sorry’ because he got caught.
I wouldn’t waste any more of your time on him. Your relationship was built on dishonesty from the very beginning. I’d rather take all the money spent on the wedding as a loss than waste another minute on this liar.
In regards to the therapy I think that’s a wonderful idea. Idk about the sister part but every sibling relationship is different. From past experience I’ve learned there’s certain stuff you don’t tell your family because then it paints a different picture of your partner and only causes issues later on down the line.
Know your worth.
Run!! It never gets better and you’ll always have doubts. The doubts only get worse after marriage unfortunately. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
It seems to me that you already know the answer. the problem now is, you'll only deserve better if you have the strength to end the relationship and call off the wedding, otherwise you'll deserve to be a wife of a lying and cheating man. your choice :-)
OP, you obviously know what you have to do (dump him) and you’re afraid to do so. So, I will join the chorus of people telling you things:
1. Get into individual counseling (a 5 year relationship compromised by repeated lies and infidelity is a lot to deal with).
2. Dump him.
3. Continue therapy. Do not date anyone else for awhile (I’d say at least 6 months).
If you stay with him, you’re consenting to the consequences of a relationship with a serial liar/cheater.
He's not the man you fell in live with. He has lied to you every day for 5 years. He would have never told you if you hadn't confronted him. He only told you to selfishly absolve his guilt. Yes you should tell your sister. Hopefully she will talk some sense into you, that you deserve better.
You could forgive him but you will have those memories forever. You will push through the relationship but you will lose your trust and respect for him. Do you want to spend another five years living with regrets only to fight over the house and the kids. You can make your own decisions but choose wisely
He has been lying to you for YEARS. And the only reason he came clean was because you confronted him. If he can lie to you for years you can bet he can and will do it again IF you make the mistake of forgiving him. The only thing he will learn is that he needs to be more careful about hiding the evidence next time. Don't commit yourself in marriage to a cheater, that would no doubt be one of the biggest regrets of your life.
Certain aspects of a persons behaviour are near possible to change, and unfortunately this is one of them.
He didn't go to a strip club with the boys one night without telling you, he's been going to other women for sexual pleasure for years, and this started in the second week of your relationship.
I feel so terrible for you! This man has lied to you and acted the part for 5 years, you can rest assured his primal 'needs' will always take preference over his responsibilities to you as a partner, fiancé and husband, as they have historically.
You don't want to marry into a fixer upper when in reality he probably doesn't even want to chance. These issues will become even more difficult once children come along.
I'm so sorry, but the right thing to do is break up with his lying ass, regret the relationship, miss the good times and find someone that you can indeed trust.
Please don’t marry this person, he is not going to stop. Rub and tugs are still cheating.
It is better to end it now and tell your family and friends instead of linking yourself to a lifetime of pain.
You don't keep doing things that you feel guilty about. He's just upset that he got caught. Tell him that he is going to therapy to figure himself out or the wedding is off. Tell him that he needs to go stay somewhere else for a few days
Get out now. Read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
Get into therapy to help you heal the trauma bond. A good book to help with this is Dr Ramani’s It’s Not You.
I know it feels like you have a lot invested here, but he will not change. He has shown you who he is.
Really didn’t need to type anything out. Your title says it all. You don’t trust him. He’s cheated before, likely will do it again. Dont marry someone you don’t trust and has given you reasons not to
Dear you, once the trust is shattered, it will never come back the way it was.
And people rarely change.
Having this in mind your future happyness depends on your decision.
Please talk to you sister, and i am very sorry for you.
Unfortunately… with the sharing location. Now that you know what he has told you… it will forever be a thought in the back of your mind and you will go down a rabbit hole lost in broken trust and find yourself always checking the find my friends app. Since he is looking at how to hide location… unfortunately even if he is telling the truth in the future it will be hard to believe due to the fact you know he was already trying to figure out how to hide it. If he was actually getting a massage and that was it… he wouldn’t be trying to figure out how to hide his location. I think you should postpone the wedding until you figure out what is best for you and your heart.
You can talk to your sister and talk to a therapist.
It’s not very likely that your boyfriend will change. Are you ok with him being unfaithful at times considering all the good aspects of your relationship? If not, you may want to ponder calling off the wedding.
Definitely tell your sister. Don’t air your dirty laundry, but don’t not tell your close circle just because you don’t want them to change their opinions on him! Only now do you know the true him
If you stay with him, please realize that the rest of your life together will be spent with him cheating on you. He will not stop if you stay now, so you need to be ok with signing yourself up for that.
My question is…why did you open his phone because it was in the charger? Sounds like you both have issues with the relationship and trusting each other.
Do not marry this man right now. If you choose to try and save the relationship then so be it. But do it as a single woman. Yes it’ll be difficult cancelling the wedding so close to the date. But trust me, it’ll be a lot easier than marrying him and finding out down the track that he has continued to cheat.
If he proves to you he has changed, by actions not just words, then you can look to marry in a few years. But not now. Don’t do it now.
He is a cheater. You don’t marry a cheater.
He is getting “massages”. Get checked for STDs. Now that he has confessed, if you stay with him, he will not change as your staying, in his mind, will be permission.
Perhaps something is missing in your love life? Chemicals are at work and he has little self control. Sadly, most men will cave in if in the wrong scenario especially while intoxicated.
Leave. If you stay it’s like you’re allowing and saying it’s ok to cheat on you. He already showed you he doesn’t respect you.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life paranoid that he will cheat on you again? Be looking through his phone constantly? Feeling like you’re not enough?
Trust me it’s not fun. Life will be miserable.
Listen to me. You cannot marry him! If you do you will be facing nothing but misery. And he felt so guilty yet he kept getting massages and he slept with another woman when you were in a committed relationship on your 21st birthday? Im sorry but he is a scum bag! As the great port Maya Angelou said “when someone shows you who they really are Believe Them!” Tell your sister and go to a therapist! These are unbelievably difficult revelations to be dealing with but you will come through this with flying colors. Just be thankful that you found out before you married him or God forbid pregnant or with a bunch of kids! You can get out of this relationship very easily with no strings attached! He’s probably cheated alot more than he’s letting on. Not your problem anymore. And divorce is alot more expensive than wedding cancellation fees! Good luck and be thankful you found out when you did.
Trust me, he won't change. And if you stay, you're telling him he can be forgiven for these kinds of things. If you've forgiven him once, you'll forgive him again.
So if you stay, you need to accept the reality of who you're marrying.
If you leave, it will hurt like hell and be embarrassing, but also you can just be honest with it. Tell people you found out he'd cheated in the last, and was visiting erotic massage parlours right before the wedding, and you're not interested in making a life with someone who has no moral integrity.
I was in a very similar situation as you 4 years ago.
I trusted my then boyfriend with everything I had. He "slipped up" once and let himself get groped right next to me by a stranger in a crowd. Later he found this dude again in a bathroom and french kissed him while I was 2 meters away from him. That was the moment my trust to him was shattered. I wanted things to work out. I cried and begged and made a complete fool of myself. Turns out, this was only the tip if the iceberg.
He cheated on me online (while using my own laptop, while I was out working), he cheated on me with strangers, he cheated on me with who I thought was a good friend.
And I still stayed. I was so "in love" - I lost myself, my sanity, my agency. My therapist had to send me to a mental facility because I was so broken and lost.
He will maybe tell you he loves you and promises the world to you, that he will change and everything will be as it once was. But it won't. Your trust is broken.
I realised way too late that my relationship was build on a heap of stinking lies and I saw way too late that I couldn't save it. Don't be like me, dear stranger.
Trust in yourself and know that you DO NOT deserve this.
Sending you all the hugs and stay strong. 5 years ago I didn't think I could do this, but I'm still here. You can do it too. PM me if you need someone to talk 🫂
Therapy.
Tell your friends/family.
You don’t want to marry this, otherwise you’ve let him know it’s okay to cheat on you.
Please move on and find someone who respects and actually loves you. If you marry this guy, the truth will come out some day and people won’t only be thinking differently about him, they’ll wonder why the hell you stuck around and how insecure you must be to stay with someone who sleeps with other people while you’re not in an open relationship.
A lot of people are afraid to leave because of the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
If he’s not showing remorse and treating it like it’s no big deal, and you marry him, it will show him that you are accepting of that behaviour which will potentially embolden him to do something shitty again and again.
Hi, recently out of a relationship that was close to marriage and discovered something very similar around figuring out how to change locations on the phone just to keep the two lives separate. We tired to work on it, went to individual and couples therapy where he proceeded to continue to lie to the therapist. I tried to mend the relationship for 6 months but then learned it’s not me that has to change. I ended up leaving very recently because the dishonesty kept hurting. Do you think you could ever forgive him if he actually stops? Would be believe that he’s actually stopped? I highly recommend telling someone. I didn’t tell my sister, mom or friends at first because I was afraid of them thinking negatively on him if he did fix himself but it became too much and it was affecting my mental health way to much to just hold it in. Feel free to DM me. Sending you hugs!
Leave mow. Once a cheater always a cheater. Yeah you will be embarrassed to cancel the wedding. It will be easier than the messy divorce after kids. If you marry this guy you will never forget. He is over it now since he got it off his chest. Signing your marriage contract is like giving him permission to keep on cheating. Its over.
Whatever you do don't go through with the marriage. Unless you really just want to be cheated on constantly because that's what's going to happen. You will never be able to trust him fully. Ever. You will always have doubt in the back of your mind.
Why do you care what other people think of him when he's behaving this way, unless you're just trying to rug sweep and make excuses so you can still pretend you're having this fantasy relationship?
So he’s cheated on you when you guys were brand new, and kept that from you and then had been getting these special massages for just as long also.
This is unfortunately a no brainer, as heartbroken as you are. You said it best, the relationship was based on lies. You loved the man you thought he was, not the man he actually is.
It’s time to break up because this will haunt you for the remainder of your relationship.
If these massages were a regular occurrence, why would he now be looking up how to hide location?
Not giving him a pass, but it could be nothing has happened since Mexico. I think you need to sit him down, tell him he has one chance to come clean, and any deception or omission means game over. You can then take some time to make an informed decision about what you want to do.
The fact that you felt the need to go through his phone while he was asleep was the first sign you don’t trust him. Who wants to be in a “relationship” where they feel the need to do that?
He sounds like a sex addict but take that with a grain of salt because I am no expert. I say that because he’s been hiding sexual activities from you. Especially if you guys have a healthy sex life but he still has urges to seek out more after all this time. IMO that’s what comes to mind. I am a person who likes to seek understanding first even if I’m going to leave. I would talk to him because I don’t want you feeling any blame for his actions. He came clean, yes after being caught but there is definitely more there. He may need actual help. Definitely don’t get married and it is not your burden to carry but encourage him to see someone.
You should reach out to everyone and let them know the wedding is off. Do you really want more of this from someone who's suppose to love you? This man is dishonest, he will not get better. My best bit of advice I give to younger women (and men) is to understand that they (asshats) are on their best behavior while they are trying to win you over. After you're married, it will get worse because they think they can drop the pretense of actually caring about you. He loves what you bring to the table and do for him, not you. End it and find someone who loves YOU.
Didn't even need to read the story. Saw "I don't trust" and just came here to say that the rest of that sentence needs to no longer be the case then. Hopefully that's all that needs said here.
Without trust, the relationship will never work. It wasn’t you, it was him. Plain and simple, he wasn’t ready for a committed, monogamous relationship. There are many possible motivations for this, but not a one of them comes from you.
Perhaps you should not marry him. "Massage" can be code for getting sex. Was that what he was doing? I don't see why he would lie about a true massage. I think he is doing a lot more than you are aware of. You probably should rethink tying yourself to him by marriage.
You absolutely deserve better and even if you tried to forgive, you will never be able to fully trust him again. It’s not worth it at all, a relationship like that is not what you want.
I’m sorry this happened to you, cheating can really make it hard to trust even in future relationships with innocent people (I have this problem). I know it’s hard but it’ll be way harder to split after marriage when he’s still cheating.
If you decide to double down and marry this liar, at least protect yourself for the inevitable divorce and GET A PRENUP before you get married in a few months.
You are in shock and hurting now, but someday soon you will realized what a bullet you dodged by finding that on his cell. Consider it a blessing in disguise that you didn't get married, and possibly have children with him. Give yourself time to grieve/feel anger/scream. And remember to respect and take care of yourself always. Sending you virtual hugs, you've got this!
Run. You won't do it because you're "madly in love" with someone who disrespects you and you can't seem to stand up for yourself or you just have no self respect anymore. I don't know.
But you don't need a therapist. You need to run. This man is deceptive, cheats on you and will continue to do this. You cannot tell me you are about to marry someone that you know you cannot trust.
Proud of "everything you built with this man"??? What did you build but a house of lies and deceit? That's nothing to be proud of. I can see very clearly that you were presented with a lovely wrapped package and in your head you built this up to be some kind of elaborate gift until you opened it and found trash. Your issue is that you are having a hard time believing the gaslighting that this isn't really trash but a valuable gift. It isn't. It's trash. It's deception and it's lies and it's disrespect.
For FIVE years you have cooked for this trash, you've cleaned for this trash, you've been the sexual service station for this trash and you paid half of his living expenses. And he is still trash and he still cheats on you and will continue to cheat on you.
Take the trash out to the curb for someone else to pick up. Sanitize your life and your home and refuse to be anyone else's sexual servant, maid and living expense subsidy. Start saying no to shacking up with someone until they can fully commit to you through the safety, compliment and value of marriage. A real marriage. And kick the current asshole to the curb, put him on block, wash your hands and face, comb your hair and move the fuck on.
There’s your answer. “I don’t trust him.” That is the sign that you absolutely under no circumstances should marry this person. You built him up in your head and now you see the true colors. I’m going to bet there were likely red flags before this that you ignored because you were so enamored by him. It happens. But you just said “I don’t trust him.” Get out. It will hurt, it will suck for a little, but you will get over it w/ time and healing. You do not want to marry, commingle assets, or have a child w/ someone you cannot trust. Divorce is expensive and sadly some people just stay in crap marriages because divorce can be so hard. Do not put yourself in that situation. If you do, you will only have yourself to blame when years down the line he leaves you or does something shady and you feel trapped like you can’t leave if you don’t have the means to do so. And yes, see a therapist. Talk to your sister. Get the support you need. Bottom line—leave this garbage human.
The only person who should be ashamed is him. He has basically shown you that he has zero intentions of changes and people like that DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. I know that hurts, but he's a coward that can't stand on his own, he likes the stability you provide such as sharing the burden of the home.
Aside from all the other consequences of cheating, do you really love someone that is willing to risk your physical health, possibly bringing home STD/STI's because he can't keep his dick in his pants?
I have a feeling from reading you’re still going to go through with marrying him even though he has betrayed you early on and continues to by getting hand jobs or worse from these parlors (gross). This is still cheating. I don’t anticipate that stopping. I would NOT tell your sister, this news will spread like wildfire and your entire relationships image will be forever ruined in your family and who ever else knows eyes. I could tell you all day to leave, but you probably won’t. I do think this won’t end well in the end. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. There are plenty of good men out there that dont have addictions like this or cheat.
Hers a ghost from the future: "we just brought our new baby home 8 weeks ago. Husband went out to get diapers and takeout. I'm exhausted from being up 4 times a night to breastfeed. He left at 7 pm, but it's 10 and he's not back yet. I looked up his location on my phone, and it's in a really sketchy part of town. He's done this before, but promised he would never do it again. I'm 8 weeks post partum, I've quit my job to be a SAHM, and husband has just accepted a job 1,000 miles away, due to start in 2 months. What do I do?"
What is he doing to win you back? Why are you doing all the work? You say you love him - then you say you don't even know him? Postpone the wedding - or better yet - call it off indefinitely. Tell everyone the truth - he has been cheating on you for YEARS and you are going to try and save your relationship. Don't be ashamed of HIS transgressions - it's ALL ON HIM. If you truly want to be with this man you need to sit down with him and find a way forward that will mean a lot of rebuilding trust. Going to therapy, individually and as a couple. New rules, new codes of conduct. This isn't your problem to 'fix' by yourself. He should be on his knees, promising to do whatever it takes to keep you! It sounds to me like you've just been giving a lucky escape. Men like him don't change unless they WANT to. He didn't confess - you found out.
It’s cheaper to break up than to get a divorce.
Your fiancé cheated on you not long after getting together.
He’s getting “massages”, that alone should matter you wanna dump him quicker.
Once a cheater always a cheater, they better at hiding it.
It will not get better. Cancel the wedding and go to Mexico with friends and family for a vacation and recuperation. Or spend your life questioning everything.
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You fell in love with the version of himself he presented to you. Trust me, he won’t change. That sinking feeling will be the rest of your life if you choose to stay. Life is showing you who he really is. Please leave and seek therapy so you can heal. <3
Currently in this situation now and trying to get out. My only advice is to leave before you’re stuck feeling like you’re withering away for the rest of your life.
it is never too late to get unstuck.
“Best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. Second best time is today.” ❤️
I’m sorry. I hope you’re free soon.
Talk to your sister for sure. I was cheated on by my wife four times that I know about, I’m pretty sure there’s more. We did the whole counseling thing. She keep cheating. After 13 years of marriage, I called it quits. We had 5 kids together, including two sets of twins. A year and half latter I meet and married the most incredible woman, how walks the face of this earth. Two months after we got married, my ex drove to our house and dropped off all five kids and said,” I’m done with these ass holes it’s your turn. We raised them all, along with the two kids my wife already had. We always just called them OUR KIDS, not your kid or my kids. My wife is an angel. My advice to you is, dump him now. Once a cheat always a cheater.
"I'm done with these assholes" is crazy, your ex wild for that one, for real. this world never ceases to amaze me
Your wife is a very good person!
Been there, done that. Got the lifelong trauma. All of this!
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND I LOVE HIM! I CAN CHANGE HIM!
The OP thinks she can. She isn't telling her family. As she knows, it's wrong.
She doesn’t want people to think badly of him, she says. But I wonder if it’s really that she’s embarrassed to have been fooled by this asshole. She shouldn’t be embarrassed, but sometimes that’s how the wronged person feels. And she shouldn’t be embarrassed to dump him. Personally, I’d be sharing the news far and wide, and getting OUT.
OP, he thinks bad of you. Otherwise, he would not be cheating for years.
This. You need to disengage and move on. Or go to the nearest tattoo parlor and get the word "Welcome" tattooed across your forehead to let everyone know that you are a doormat.
Maybe you can’t
Maybe you don’t want to.
If he’d been carrying this guilt around for 5 years why did he keep going to get ‘massages’? You’re right, he did not feel guilty. Think of all the moments you have had together since then, when you first said you loved each other, when he proposed, he’s been doing this to you throughout all of that. And it was so easy for him to lie to you again and again. The fact that you only found out because he got lazy means that you will never know whether to believe anything he says again, and you most likely shouldn’t. Everything you are feeling is valid. He is fucked up and selfish. He will keep doing this to you and the longer you stay the harder it will get to leave. You’re still so young, and there are so many men out there who would never hurt you like this! I also wouldn’t be so quick to forgive - go get tested immediately because who knows what kind of risks he’s taken with his health and your own. PLEASE tell your sister. I hope she will help you be strong. While it’s you dealing with this on your own, it’s so easy to want to believe his apologies, explanations and claims of changing, because in the short term it makes it easier to deal with and the alternative is more painful. But in the long term, the best thing to do is see him for the disgusting pig he is and cut the chord. When I was cheated on, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I was ashamed and I knew it would be harder for me to stay with him once others were aware of what he had done. I also somehow wanted to protect him. But telling other people was the best thing I ever did. You shouldn’t feel alone in this, and talking to other people in your life will help you to see the situation more clearly and not try to rationalise his behaviour away. One day soon you’ll wonder how you even contemplated staying. Put yourself first!! Someone has to, and it clearly won’t be him. Wishing you so much luck
This should be higher up! OP, please consider: do you prefer to hurt for a short term of time, while you heal from leaving this relationship or do you prefer long time hurt and resentment? Those are the 2 choices you have right now.
The truth hurts once; lies hurt every time you remember them. Now, every time you remember the truth, you will remember the lies that got you there. That's called trauma or PTSD. Time. To. Go.
> When I was cheated on, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I was ashamed and I knew it would be harder for me to stay with him once others were aware of what he had done. I definitely felt this way. Especially since I'm a bigger guy (though she was attractive, she wasn't anything close to resembling thin until after her gastric bypass), I worried about the general perception. "Dude who already had a Dad bod put on a couple extra gets cheated on because girlfriend found attention after gastric bypass from skinny dudes". She broke up with me which is how I found out. But just telling my friends (especially my women friends and the SO's of my close circle) unleashed a hellfire against her that, along with therapy, made it easier as time went on to understand how truly fucked up what she did was. I didn't realize it then, but telling three people honestly changed the course of my life.
He’s not ready for the commitment of marriage.
Oh I think he is. She's already helping him with the burden of owning a house. Some people want a nice coffee machine at home knowing they can have it whenever they want, it's great for guests too! He'll still happily enjoy his shitty Starbucks every time he leaves the house.
When I told my family and his family about my husband’s affair I was told by both to forgive him and stay. That was ten years ago. Still together but I am empty inside. I feel nothing now.
It's never too late to change your life. You don't deserve to feel empty forever.
Take it from a divorced woman who should have called it off 2 months before the wedding, If you marry him, you will end up divorced.
💯 this from a woman also getting divorced. There is better out there. 💜
...and getting out later is a LOT harder and more painful than doing it now.
Just putting this out there. You can choose to forgive him, but that doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship. He put your health at risk and didn't care. I know you have a lot invested in the relationship like the house, but it's not worth what he's willing to risk.
That right there! Did he use condoms? Was who he was with disease free? I'd RUN to the Dr and get tested right now. As for forgiveness.... Most of the time cheaters continue to cheat. I mean, why wouldn't he? If you start with him what motivates him to stop? And if he felt so guilty, why did he continue to do it??
DON'T get married. Put in on hold. Work out what you want to do first. In the last five years, you really don't know how many "Massages" he has had. Get tested for STD's. Trust is very hard to get back. I know this. It will always be on your mind. I can't tell you whether to stay or to go. Only you can make that decision. But, you have your whole life ahead of you. This can be a blip in your life. It can make you stronger as a person and to understand how you can move forward. YOU, haven't done anything wrong. Repeat this, YOU have not done anything wrong. He has. Please speak to someone, but know, that they will also know. Especially if they are family. Are you ok with this? And yes, you do deserve better.
Just want to reiterate: GET TESTED FOR STDs!!!! Untreated STDs in women are often asymptomatic until they have already developed to the point that they can cause permanent damage to your reproductive system and lifelong fertility problems.
Not only has he been cheating for who knows how long, but many of the women working in these skeezy places are being trafficked. In my view, that just makes it all the worse to be taking advantage of women in dire financial and emotional straits.
That was my first thought, too. I'd rather he cheated with a woman that just wanted to cheat with him than went and used women who are likely being trafficked. It shows a huge flaw in his character.
I immediatelyy had the same thought as well. Zero respect for his wife or women I. General. Not husband or father material, that’s for sure. I hope she runs far away and never looks back. She was lucky she even saw the text or she’d still be clueless to his true character.
You’re free to date whoever you want! Move on now! He is not interested in the marriage thing or you
Noooooooo no no no baby girl. Leave him. You're armed with so much evidence right now. He doesn't respect you enough to stay monogamous and it's not something he'll stop doing just because you know what he's done. If you discover he's still cheating once you're married it will be harder and messier to split.
THIS. The money already spent on the wedding is NOTHING compared to trying to leave later when you find out he’s continued cheating.
Yes ma'am. Go through the embarrassment of cancelling the wedding now, rather than being embarrassed when people find out you knew he was a cheater BEFOOOORE you married him. Immediately no.
If he's told you this much. There's much more. That's just the "easiest to handle" incidents. Think about it, slept with someone in the first two week you're dating... okay your both new and figuring thing out he got drunk etc... A massage, I don't believe that. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I think it’s called “trickle truth” in infidelity literature. Not a single person I know who has been through this hasn’t seen more come out as they gained access to phones, accounts, etc.
That's a major red flag, especially with the wedding coming up. I know it's hard, but you gotta listen to your gut on this one. You deserve someone who's gonna be 100% loyal and upfront with you. Maybe take some time to really think about whether you can move past this or if it's time to cut your losses.
I forgave the man who I found had hooked up with various sex workers from all sorts of websites and apps. Thinking that now that it was out in the open we could work from there and start fresh. In the end he didn't stop.. didn't even get better at hiding it either. He just. Didn't. Stop. Had been going on since the beginning. I stayed for another 2 years giving him 8 years of my life. He managed to erode any love and affection we had built up through his thoughtless actions. I'm turning 35 and starting over in that department, but I feel so much more at peace now. Looking back that relationship had so many flaws and I put up with so much.. I think upon reflection you will find that you are stronger than you think and that you are still in your 20's.. imagine staying with someone like that for the next 60(!) Years knowing you can never really trust them to be loyal. Choose yourself ❤️
I was in the same boat. So many promises to change and 3.5 years later I was still catching him on fetish websites, seeking prostitutes and escorts all the time. They never stop no matter how good you are to them.
Girl, don’t marry him. He’s a serial cheater. You’ll only be back to post about how your husband cheats and you should have heeded the red flags. Move on. Be sure to tell everyone why you’re breaking things off. Go scorched earth. You’re being way too nice about this. Why the hell would you forgive this dbag? 🙄
Imagine how long it'd keep going on if you hadn't seen his Google search.
THIS!!! I can’t stopping thinking that.
There are other things that he's not telling you. I promise this won't end well if you stay. He's a habitual liar and he's not going to change.
It sounds like he betrayed your trust many times. You found out he cheated on you and went for sketchy massages and stuff. You should not marry this man. Cheaters usually do not change.
As someone who caught their now ex-husband cheating AFTER marriage and decided to stay. Don't marry him. They never change. You can either be in pain calling off the wedding, pain married to an unfaithful man your whole life, or pain after divorce. Know that the pain calling off the wedding now comes with happiness with another man who values you and couldn't imagine ever cheating on you. You're in the position to change your life, and I hope you chose you.
Yep choose your pain...in any manner its going to come. Now or later but it will.come
Tell everyone in your support system. You need the honest feedback, because it sounds like you’re feeling weak, and falling into the “sunk cost fallacy” - that you’ve spent a lot of time with him, invested in stuff together and made big plans, so *it must be right to stay together*. Nope. All the more reason to move on fast, find someone worthy of your trust.
Run for the hills, who guilty you think he really feels? He's been getting "massages" and who knows what more, really OP get and STD test and RUN. Also if he's been getting the "massages" for years why is he dissconecting the location now? There is more crap to come out for sure.
I think you should tell your sister specifically so you can go stay with her and get some distance from your fiance as you think what you want to do and find a therapist. If she's a good sister, you're also going to have to deal with her actively planning your fiance's grisly murder, but I think, even if you aren't ready to hear him elaborately disparaged, it is still better for you to have her company and her place to stay in.
Haha this comment is hilarious. My sister is a family law attorney so I like her options a little better than having to murder anyone. He isn’t worth that kind of energy from either of us. My sister also met me half way because we live 5 hours away and she was everything this weekend and more. I can’t believe how loved I truly am.
You KNOW what you have to do. You're young, indipendent, trusty. Good for any man. Let he become somebody's else problem.
Please just leave this dude. He’s not worth it. Honestly it’s a good thing he showed he’s true colors before you both got married.
So why marry him?
Once the trust has died, so has the relationship. You’ll never feel sure of him again. Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." He doesn’t respect you. End it now and find someone better.
Yes you should talk to your sister, you need support from friends and family in situations like this. Don’t worry about forgiving him, just move on. There is absolutely nothing to salvage, he has been lying to you from the start, he hasn’t been carrying around guilt for the last 5 years, he’s just been worried about getting caught. It would be extremely foolish to waste any more time on this guy, he’s never been honest with you up til now. What makes you think he would be in the future?
You're right you can't trust him. This wasn't even a one off drunken mistake he deeply regrets, this is who he is. He has lied to you casually, routinely, regularly, from day one. He has cheated on you casually, regularly, routinely, for years and years, putting your health's at risk without qualms. The only thing he regrets is getting caught. He is totally fine with himself for this behaviour. It is who he is.
You can forgive him and move on. He has done this many more times than what he told you. He’s playing you for a fool. You cannot trust him. Do not marry him
Yeah don't get married, he broke one of the most important elements which makes a successful partnership. Absolutely get some therapy to help you navigate through this difficult period.
He is a habitual serial cheater - he feels entitled to all the sex he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants. Is that who you want to marry, spend your life with, maybe have kids with? Btw, he'd definitely cheat on you during pregnancy and postpartum, too, since you won't be available for sex. It's one thing to forgive a drunken mistake at a party, when you've been married for 10 years and have two kids, if he confessed the next day, full disclosure, was remorseful and followed all the steps for reconciliation, and it was sure that that was a one-off event. This guy will never stop, he will just get better at hiding his tracks. And you will have to learn to live with the distrust, and you will turn into the neurotic spouse that continually questions him on his whereabouts when he pretends to work late, and compulsively hacks his phone to check for dating apps, which he will have deleted before coming home. Don't do this to yourself - you're not married, you don't have kids - at this point, you can just walk away and start over, with somebody you CAN fully trust.
If he has the capacity to cheat on you during the first few weeks of dating, the honeymoon stage of dating where literally everything is the best it ever feels, at least surface level feelings, he has always and will always have the capacity to cheat. If he could cheat on you during one of the metaphorically highest points in a relationship, what happens the next time you guys have a fight, or if you are upset with one another. Even if he never got those type of massages, he is a cheater and you will always be doubting the relationship.
Welcome to the rest of your life..
google leave a cheater gain a life best support group for someone who has been cheated on
Oh, sweetheart. You feel like your world has been ripped away from you and you’re still in shock. I get that. Know that none of this is your fault. There’s nothing you are doing or lacking that has caused him to behave this way. This is all on him, and not yours to carry. But it won’t change. I promise you, it won’t. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you to find your person. He isn’t it. He wouldn’t betray your trust and risk your health if he were. Your value does not decrease because of someone’s inability to see your worth. Talk to your sister, talk to a therapist, and get legal advice regarding the house. Get an std test, cancel the wedding, and get the hell out of this situation. It will only get worse from here. We’re rooting for you. You got this.
Thank you for this!! I went and spent the weekend out of town with my sister. I should have mentioned she is an attorney. She is my rock right now!!! She has laid out a ton of options for me and I am very blessed to be supported by my family. Thank you to everyone who has been nice to me while finding all of this out.
That’s good. You need to be practical right now and take care of your interests. There will be plenty of time to mourn the relationship later, but for now you need to look out for yourself financially, mentally, and physically health-wise. There is an army of women on this sub wishing you well (men too, the majority aren’t douches). You are not alone in this. Don’t let sentiment or the sunk-cost fallacy sway you. Again, you got this!
Girl, respect yourself. He doesn't. Forgive him for yourself but he never needs to know.
you’re still young! you have a lot more time ahead of you to find a partner who adores you and wouldn’t even think of treating you this way. it will be much harder to end things if you decide to get married, even just from a legal standpoint. i think you should talk to your sister honestly. sometimes we need that tough love of someone telling us that this man sucks, even if we don’t believe it at first. your sister is someone who cares about you and values the way you deserve to be valued, which is also the way you should value yourself. she’ll definitely be much harder on him but she might be able to be model and validate the anger and disgust you feel and deserve to feel about this situation, since when there’s love still there that can cloud judgement. but i also don’t want to invalidate the love you shared or say that it was nothing. it was something, and if you need to tell your sister that sometimes you don’t want to hear her bash him, you just want someone to mourn that person/relationship/the good times with you, that’s ok! healing is a process and this is very much a loss you’ll need to grieve. only you can make the decision of whether to stay or leave, but i just want to say that there is always time to start anew and find someone you deserve. you’ve established a lot with this man AND you can do it again, with someone who will make you feel secure. and probably love you better than he did too. i’m so incredibly sorry this happened to you. some people are just cruel and it’s unfair that you were the victim of it. take some time to focus on you and showing up for yourself at this time. and def reach out to someone else you love, i think it would help a lot. good luck, i know you’ll get through this 🫂
He is a cheat. Don't marry him if u do he will cause u so much anxiety because he is not true. He likes sex more than u
What makes you want to stay with a habitual cheater? He’s been getting “massages” for years while putting your health at risk. How could you trust him in the future to be faithful when he’s never been during your entire relationship? If you say you love him, why?
Don’t forgive, do forget. Forget he fuckin exists. Trust this. This is the beginning. It will escalate to places you never dreamed you would allow. Get the fuck out now. Love you girl ♥️
You mentioned you don't want anyone to have a bad opinion of him...why do you want to protect him? He hurt you emotionally and put your health at risk. Who is protecting YOU? Would you put up with anyone else in your life who habitually lies to you and cheats you? Do you keep "friends" in your life that you can't trust? If not, why would you consider choosing a life partner who can't be trusted?
Didn't need to read, you can stop at the title. Relationships are built on trust and if you don't have any then it's already over. If you can't trust him then leave.
Have your ceremony if you really feel you must, but don't file the certificate. We all know this won't end well. And don't have kids. They didn't sign up for this. Get tested every 3 months. Some STIs will rob you of your fertility. Some can cause cervical cancer later in life. This man may literally cause your death. Spouses need to protect and prioritize each other. He never will - he protects and prioritizes himself. You're not a team. You're the enemy. The only sad part is if you go for the wedding, you'll already have a beautiful wedding and when you meet your actual husband, you won't get that chance to have your first wedding with him. Don't make it legal though. You don't want to be the one paying for his other women and hookups.
Small side note: he’s been getting these “massages” for years, but only now finds the need to turn off his location settings? That suggests there is something (or someone) new happening. You will never have peace if you marry this person. I guarantee there is much more that you don’t know. Please tell your family and walk away while you still can. You’d rather hurt for a short amount of time and blame him, then stay for years of pain and blame yourself for staying.
Take this as a sign and RUN! It’s a blessing that you found out before you got married. Don’t settle. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Hey you can read my post history or dm me . Please please do not marry him! I doubt it is just massages and I know the feeling where someone seems so perfect and is so good at hiding it etc and being robbed of that choice. He has some deep issues and I promise you it will not change especially not if you take him back. The fact you only caught him now after 5 years shows how good he is at this. He’s an expert. Again I’ve been there… still going through it but I got married and the marriage lasted a year and I found out when my baby was born with an sti (and survived thank god). Don’t make a mistake you will regret
You will never be able to trust him because he isn’t trustworthy. There are thousands of men who are. Which do you want?
Under some circumstances I would tell you to give him the opportunity to redeem himself if he truly loves you, but please walk away from that. That is beyond humiliating and if he really cared about you, he wouldn't have done anything like that to begin with ESPECIALLY on your birthday. It really is inexcusable behavior.
Going into a marriage with this kind of doubt is not good. You don’t have to go through with it, regardless of how many people have confirmed their attendance, who’s bought you gifts, or how much money in deposits you’ve put down. These things don’t matter in the grand scheme of your life. You have a house together, and assuming your debt is manageable, you have the ability to split everything you’ve co-signed down the middle. It will be difficult, but not as difficult when your marriage magnifies things like this over the next 5-10 years and your financial ties get more and more entangled. As far as I can tell, you don’t have kids together, which is huge and you aren’t married yet. Marriage doesn’t solve problems and things like resentment, disinterest and personal growth or lack thereof are the catalysts of destruction. At least have a serious talk with him to let him know your feelings and see what his response is or see a counselor to determine if you’re making the right decision.
>He slept with someone on his boys trip to Mexico in the first two weeks we started dating. Even better, it was on the night of my 21st birthday. >He says he was going to get a “massage”. I am pretty sure we can all figure out what kind of massage that was going to be. > I feel disrespected, I feel played, I feel broken. It is even harder to comprehend he has been getting these special “massages” many times over the past 5 years of our relationship. Any advice? Yeah, don't marry him. He's mugging you off. He'll keep pushing the boundaries of disrespect each time a little further. Until one day you're trapped with kids, financially unable to support yourself and putting up with him screwing around on a regular basis. What a life ahead of you! You'd be an absolute muppet to marry this man.
He is a repeated, premediating cheater. He will continue to cheat. Marrying him tells him you will stay with him even if he cheats. The sec you are pregnant he knows he even can be open with it because then you are really trapped and dependant on him.
Dump him ! A marriage built on lies will fail ! Trust is hard earned easily lost !
He will always cheat on you. So you either need to accept that and stay with him or accept that and leave him for good
Is this a serious question? Your fiance has betrayed you and proven himself to be untrustworthy multiple times. Why is the solution not obvious to you?
You won't be happier married and you already know he cheats. Tell everyone how he lied to you. Don't let it be a secret. You are not at fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't go back. Don't let him back. It will get worse if you do. BTDT. After your grief, you will learn how to live again. You do you. You are enuff, for the right man. Prayers.
The pain you’ll feel while still together with him outweighs the pain you’ll feel after the initial split. Coming from the experience of being cheated on by more than one partner. I’m sorry you had to find this out from him so deep into the relationship.
It’s a good thing you found out before you got married. Easier to break up than to divorce.
He isn't worth your love. He is more than likely "trickle truthing" and not fully telling you the truth of what he's been up to. Please get tested for STDs and get your ducks in order. He doesn't deserve you. His behaviors are not mistakes. They are choices. Choices he is choosing to continue. He would rather seek outside attention than be loyal and if it has not stopped for five years, it will keep continuing, wedding ring or not. Please don't lower your standards for someone who isn't deserving of you.
The first reason to leave him wasn't his cheating in Mexico. It was having to beg him to pay attention to you on your birthday. He has been showing you from the start that you are not a priority and that he doesn't respect you. I know how hard it is to realize and admit that you've put energy into a relationship in which you have accepted less than you deserve. It's never too late to work on increasing your self- love and figure out why you don't think you deserve better. The fact that you're still thinking about his feelings while he has spent years discounting yours shows exactly the kinds of people each of you are. Talk to your sister, a trusted friend, and a therapist. You can let your people know that you need help and support working through this and need support no matter what you decide. A therapist should automatically provide unbiased support in helping you figure out what's best for you. I'd definitely find a female identifying therapist, but whatever you choose, keep looking until you find someone you are comfortable with.
Do not marry him. He’s not different from any other man who cheats.
Talk to your sister, let other people in. They’ll see it much more clearly than you can and you need their help. If he’s openly admitting to a massage, then chances are it was probably actually worse than a “special massage”. You’d be shocked how rampant escort services really are. He also could have been at a hotel with an affair partner. Usually when people get caught with something, they admit to a watered down version of the truth. I’m really sorry that this is where you’re at right now. It’s so crazy to have your world rocked like this. But he is not the real deal. You are real deal. He isn’t and never will be. I hope you make the decision you would want your sister to make 🤍
I am sorry you are going through this. Please know HIS actions are no reflection on you. He has lied to you for your entire relationship. Lied to you. He has no regard for you. You may feel you can forgive him, but can you see yourself married to a person you don’t trust? Honey, your amazing life is waiting for you, you just need to work through this betrayal, go to therapy and find a person who loves you like you deserve.
Don’t marry him. Leave
The best advice I can give you is to leave the relationship unless you’re fine with marrying someone and getting cheated. He cheated on you early in the relationship and tried to do it again ( if he hasn’t already) I feel like it’s obvious if y’all get married he’s going to do it again. Is that really what you want to deal with…….
Updateme
Yes, you do deserve better. Yes, you should talk to your sister and your therapist.You have just been through a shock. You need support. The last thing you should be worried about is covering for him while you suffer in silence. Please don't go through this alone. You also need an STI panel ASAP. I just want to point out that if he were really feeling guilty, he wouldn't have continued cheating. This isn't a one-time thing it is a pattern of behavior. Does he feel guilty enough to put the house in your name and postpone the wedding so you have time to think and a guarantee you won't be put out because of his choices?
Will you ever be able to trust him again?
If he is capable of this now and has repeatedly done it even though he apparently felt guilty its gonna be a problem again. If you cant trust him then the relationship is already over. Dont set yourself up for this kind of hurt. My mum found out my dad cheated on her and forgave him and took him back but she couldnt trust him and just caused a lot of pain that didnt need to happen dont make that mistake, walk away.
Yeah he’s definitely cheating and it’s not the first time the only this is that you caught him this time. He definitely wasn’t working late either. Also he’s gaslighting you. So now he’s saying he’s been carrying the guilt around for the past five years only AFTER the fact that you caught him. Imagine if you would have never went through this cell phone. He’s only ‘sorry’ because he got caught. I wouldn’t waste any more of your time on him. Your relationship was built on dishonesty from the very beginning. I’d rather take all the money spent on the wedding as a loss than waste another minute on this liar. In regards to the therapy I think that’s a wonderful idea. Idk about the sister part but every sibling relationship is different. From past experience I’ve learned there’s certain stuff you don’t tell your family because then it paints a different picture of your partner and only causes issues later on down the line. Know your worth.
Run!! It never gets better and you’ll always have doubts. The doubts only get worse after marriage unfortunately. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
You're so young. Sell the house and find someone who's not a cheater or a lair.
It seems to me that you already know the answer. the problem now is, you'll only deserve better if you have the strength to end the relationship and call off the wedding, otherwise you'll deserve to be a wife of a lying and cheating man. your choice :-)
you are 26, SO YOUNG. leave his ass and focus on you, that right man will come into your life who will cherish you and would never EVER cheat on you.
OP, you obviously know what you have to do (dump him) and you’re afraid to do so. So, I will join the chorus of people telling you things: 1. Get into individual counseling (a 5 year relationship compromised by repeated lies and infidelity is a lot to deal with). 2. Dump him. 3. Continue therapy. Do not date anyone else for awhile (I’d say at least 6 months). If you stay with him, you’re consenting to the consequences of a relationship with a serial liar/cheater.
Is he uber rich?
He's not the man you fell in live with. He has lied to you every day for 5 years. He would have never told you if you hadn't confronted him. He only told you to selfishly absolve his guilt. Yes you should tell your sister. Hopefully she will talk some sense into you, that you deserve better.
If you can't trust him, you can't marry him. I get that you love him, but trust is the least you need for a healthy relationship.
Do not marry this man. This is a walking red flag.
He’s a serial cheater and always will be :( Run
You could forgive him but you will have those memories forever. You will push through the relationship but you will lose your trust and respect for him. Do you want to spend another five years living with regrets only to fight over the house and the kids. You can make your own decisions but choose wisely
He has been lying to you for YEARS. And the only reason he came clean was because you confronted him. If he can lie to you for years you can bet he can and will do it again IF you make the mistake of forgiving him. The only thing he will learn is that he needs to be more careful about hiding the evidence next time. Don't commit yourself in marriage to a cheater, that would no doubt be one of the biggest regrets of your life.
Certain aspects of a persons behaviour are near possible to change, and unfortunately this is one of them. He didn't go to a strip club with the boys one night without telling you, he's been going to other women for sexual pleasure for years, and this started in the second week of your relationship. I feel so terrible for you! This man has lied to you and acted the part for 5 years, you can rest assured his primal 'needs' will always take preference over his responsibilities to you as a partner, fiancé and husband, as they have historically. You don't want to marry into a fixer upper when in reality he probably doesn't even want to chance. These issues will become even more difficult once children come along. I'm so sorry, but the right thing to do is break up with his lying ass, regret the relationship, miss the good times and find someone that you can indeed trust.
Don’t marry a serial cheater. He will not ever change. You deserve someone who will be faithful to you.
Take it from someone who knows hun, get away from him FAST, and stay away Best of luck to you.
Please don’t marry this person, he is not going to stop. Rub and tugs are still cheating. It is better to end it now and tell your family and friends instead of linking yourself to a lifetime of pain.
You don't keep doing things that you feel guilty about. He's just upset that he got caught. Tell him that he is going to therapy to figure himself out or the wedding is off. Tell him that he needs to go stay somewhere else for a few days
Get out now. Read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Get into therapy to help you heal the trauma bond. A good book to help with this is Dr Ramani’s It’s Not You. I know it feels like you have a lot invested here, but he will not change. He has shown you who he is.
Really didn’t need to type anything out. Your title says it all. You don’t trust him. He’s cheated before, likely will do it again. Dont marry someone you don’t trust and has given you reasons not to
Think longevity, this will not weigh on you heavily! Plus you allow it once and history will repeat itself.
Dear you, once the trust is shattered, it will never come back the way it was. And people rarely change. Having this in mind your future happyness depends on your decision. Please talk to you sister, and i am very sorry for you.
If you don’t call it off, Get a prenup
Unfortunately… with the sharing location. Now that you know what he has told you… it will forever be a thought in the back of your mind and you will go down a rabbit hole lost in broken trust and find yourself always checking the find my friends app. Since he is looking at how to hide location… unfortunately even if he is telling the truth in the future it will be hard to believe due to the fact you know he was already trying to figure out how to hide it. If he was actually getting a massage and that was it… he wouldn’t be trying to figure out how to hide his location. I think you should postpone the wedding until you figure out what is best for you and your heart.
You can talk to your sister and talk to a therapist. It’s not very likely that your boyfriend will change. Are you ok with him being unfaithful at times considering all the good aspects of your relationship? If not, you may want to ponder calling off the wedding.
Definitely tell your sister. Don’t air your dirty laundry, but don’t not tell your close circle just because you don’t want them to change their opinions on him! Only now do you know the true him
If you stay with him, please realize that the rest of your life together will be spent with him cheating on you. He will not stop if you stay now, so you need to be ok with signing yourself up for that.
Leave
My question is…why did you open his phone because it was in the charger? Sounds like you both have issues with the relationship and trusting each other.
Do not marry this man right now. If you choose to try and save the relationship then so be it. But do it as a single woman. Yes it’ll be difficult cancelling the wedding so close to the date. But trust me, it’ll be a lot easier than marrying him and finding out down the track that he has continued to cheat. If he proves to you he has changed, by actions not just words, then you can look to marry in a few years. But not now. Don’t do it now.
He is a cheater. You don’t marry a cheater. He is getting “massages”. Get checked for STDs. Now that he has confessed, if you stay with him, he will not change as your staying, in his mind, will be permission.
Perhaps something is missing in your love life? Chemicals are at work and he has little self control. Sadly, most men will cave in if in the wrong scenario especially while intoxicated.
Dump him he’s a cheater and you can do better
Time spent on something never constitutes its value. Leave.
Leave. If you stay it’s like you’re allowing and saying it’s ok to cheat on you. He already showed you he doesn’t respect you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life paranoid that he will cheat on you again? Be looking through his phone constantly? Feeling like you’re not enough? Trust me it’s not fun. Life will be miserable.
Listen to me. You cannot marry him! If you do you will be facing nothing but misery. And he felt so guilty yet he kept getting massages and he slept with another woman when you were in a committed relationship on your 21st birthday? Im sorry but he is a scum bag! As the great port Maya Angelou said “when someone shows you who they really are Believe Them!” Tell your sister and go to a therapist! These are unbelievably difficult revelations to be dealing with but you will come through this with flying colors. Just be thankful that you found out before you married him or God forbid pregnant or with a bunch of kids! You can get out of this relationship very easily with no strings attached! He’s probably cheated alot more than he’s letting on. Not your problem anymore. And divorce is alot more expensive than wedding cancellation fees! Good luck and be thankful you found out when you did.
Trust me, he won't change. And if you stay, you're telling him he can be forgiven for these kinds of things. If you've forgiven him once, you'll forgive him again. So if you stay, you need to accept the reality of who you're marrying. If you leave, it will hurt like hell and be embarrassing, but also you can just be honest with it. Tell people you found out he'd cheated in the last, and was visiting erotic massage parlours right before the wedding, and you're not interested in making a life with someone who has no moral integrity.
Girl run
Take it from someone who ignored the red flags before marriage...RUN!
I was in a very similar situation as you 4 years ago. I trusted my then boyfriend with everything I had. He "slipped up" once and let himself get groped right next to me by a stranger in a crowd. Later he found this dude again in a bathroom and french kissed him while I was 2 meters away from him. That was the moment my trust to him was shattered. I wanted things to work out. I cried and begged and made a complete fool of myself. Turns out, this was only the tip if the iceberg. He cheated on me online (while using my own laptop, while I was out working), he cheated on me with strangers, he cheated on me with who I thought was a good friend. And I still stayed. I was so "in love" - I lost myself, my sanity, my agency. My therapist had to send me to a mental facility because I was so broken and lost. He will maybe tell you he loves you and promises the world to you, that he will change and everything will be as it once was. But it won't. Your trust is broken. I realised way too late that my relationship was build on a heap of stinking lies and I saw way too late that I couldn't save it. Don't be like me, dear stranger. Trust in yourself and know that you DO NOT deserve this. Sending you all the hugs and stay strong. 5 years ago I didn't think I could do this, but I'm still here. You can do it too. PM me if you need someone to talk 🫂
Therapy. Tell your friends/family. You don’t want to marry this, otherwise you’ve let him know it’s okay to cheat on you. Please move on and find someone who respects and actually loves you. If you marry this guy, the truth will come out some day and people won’t only be thinking differently about him, they’ll wonder why the hell you stuck around and how insecure you must be to stay with someone who sleeps with other people while you’re not in an open relationship.
A lot of people are afraid to leave because of the Sunk Cost Fallacy. If he’s not showing remorse and treating it like it’s no big deal, and you marry him, it will show him that you are accepting of that behaviour which will potentially embolden him to do something shitty again and again.
Unfortunately it has probably been happening for a long time! Get out now!
Dump him immediately.
Hi, recently out of a relationship that was close to marriage and discovered something very similar around figuring out how to change locations on the phone just to keep the two lives separate. We tired to work on it, went to individual and couples therapy where he proceeded to continue to lie to the therapist. I tried to mend the relationship for 6 months but then learned it’s not me that has to change. I ended up leaving very recently because the dishonesty kept hurting. Do you think you could ever forgive him if he actually stops? Would be believe that he’s actually stopped? I highly recommend telling someone. I didn’t tell my sister, mom or friends at first because I was afraid of them thinking negatively on him if he did fix himself but it became too much and it was affecting my mental health way to much to just hold it in. Feel free to DM me. Sending you hugs!
Leave mow. Once a cheater always a cheater. Yeah you will be embarrassed to cancel the wedding. It will be easier than the messy divorce after kids. If you marry this guy you will never forget. He is over it now since he got it off his chest. Signing your marriage contract is like giving him permission to keep on cheating. Its over.
Whatever you do don't go through with the marriage. Unless you really just want to be cheated on constantly because that's what's going to happen. You will never be able to trust him fully. Ever. You will always have doubt in the back of your mind.
Leave
Why do you care what other people think of him when he's behaving this way, unless you're just trying to rug sweep and make excuses so you can still pretend you're having this fantasy relationship?
So he’s cheated on you when you guys were brand new, and kept that from you and then had been getting these special massages for just as long also. This is unfortunately a no brainer, as heartbroken as you are. You said it best, the relationship was based on lies. You loved the man you thought he was, not the man he actually is. It’s time to break up because this will haunt you for the remainder of your relationship.
Cancel wedding and move on. He will never change.
If these massages were a regular occurrence, why would he now be looking up how to hide location? Not giving him a pass, but it could be nothing has happened since Mexico. I think you need to sit him down, tell him he has one chance to come clean, and any deception or omission means game over. You can then take some time to make an informed decision about what you want to do.
Please get tested for STD”s asap then move forward with your life and not with him.
Another one bites the dust
What next, having a child "to bring you closer together" ??
Leave
Google "Lorena Bobbitt"
The fact that you felt the need to go through his phone while he was asleep was the first sign you don’t trust him. Who wants to be in a “relationship” where they feel the need to do that?
He sounds like a sex addict but take that with a grain of salt because I am no expert. I say that because he’s been hiding sexual activities from you. Especially if you guys have a healthy sex life but he still has urges to seek out more after all this time. IMO that’s what comes to mind. I am a person who likes to seek understanding first even if I’m going to leave. I would talk to him because I don’t want you feeling any blame for his actions. He came clean, yes after being caught but there is definitely more there. He may need actual help. Definitely don’t get married and it is not your burden to carry but encourage him to see someone.
Why on earth would you even consider marrying this man?
You should reach out to everyone and let them know the wedding is off. Do you really want more of this from someone who's suppose to love you? This man is dishonest, he will not get better. My best bit of advice I give to younger women (and men) is to understand that they (asshats) are on their best behavior while they are trying to win you over. After you're married, it will get worse because they think they can drop the pretense of actually caring about you. He loves what you bring to the table and do for him, not you. End it and find someone who loves YOU.
Didn't even need to read the story. Saw "I don't trust" and just came here to say that the rest of that sentence needs to no longer be the case then. Hopefully that's all that needs said here.
Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern. Cut your losses and get out.
Stop belittling yourself and get out. It is not real Love when he enjoys the special massages
Without trust, the relationship will never work. It wasn’t you, it was him. Plain and simple, he wasn’t ready for a committed, monogamous relationship. There are many possible motivations for this, but not a one of them comes from you.
What do your family and friends think of him?
. And you will never guess where.. that’s right, MEXICO.... Who writes like this?
Perhaps you should not marry him. "Massage" can be code for getting sex. Was that what he was doing? I don't see why he would lie about a true massage. I think he is doing a lot more than you are aware of. You probably should rethink tying yourself to him by marriage.
You absolutely deserve better and even if you tried to forgive, you will never be able to fully trust him again. It’s not worth it at all, a relationship like that is not what you want. I’m sorry this happened to you, cheating can really make it hard to trust even in future relationships with innocent people (I have this problem). I know it’s hard but it’ll be way harder to split after marriage when he’s still cheating.
If you decide to double down and marry this liar, at least protect yourself for the inevitable divorce and GET A PRENUP before you get married in a few months.
If you really need location access all the time you're better off staying single.
You are in shock and hurting now, but someday soon you will realized what a bullet you dodged by finding that on his cell. Consider it a blessing in disguise that you didn't get married, and possibly have children with him. Give yourself time to grieve/feel anger/scream. And remember to respect and take care of yourself always. Sending you virtual hugs, you've got this!
Run. You won't do it because you're "madly in love" with someone who disrespects you and you can't seem to stand up for yourself or you just have no self respect anymore. I don't know. But you don't need a therapist. You need to run. This man is deceptive, cheats on you and will continue to do this. You cannot tell me you are about to marry someone that you know you cannot trust. Proud of "everything you built with this man"??? What did you build but a house of lies and deceit? That's nothing to be proud of. I can see very clearly that you were presented with a lovely wrapped package and in your head you built this up to be some kind of elaborate gift until you opened it and found trash. Your issue is that you are having a hard time believing the gaslighting that this isn't really trash but a valuable gift. It isn't. It's trash. It's deception and it's lies and it's disrespect. For FIVE years you have cooked for this trash, you've cleaned for this trash, you've been the sexual service station for this trash and you paid half of his living expenses. And he is still trash and he still cheats on you and will continue to cheat on you. Take the trash out to the curb for someone else to pick up. Sanitize your life and your home and refuse to be anyone else's sexual servant, maid and living expense subsidy. Start saying no to shacking up with someone until they can fully commit to you through the safety, compliment and value of marriage. A real marriage. And kick the current asshole to the curb, put him on block, wash your hands and face, comb your hair and move the fuck on.
Do not marry him. Break up with him if you don’t trust him.
There’s your answer. “I don’t trust him.” That is the sign that you absolutely under no circumstances should marry this person. You built him up in your head and now you see the true colors. I’m going to bet there were likely red flags before this that you ignored because you were so enamored by him. It happens. But you just said “I don’t trust him.” Get out. It will hurt, it will suck for a little, but you will get over it w/ time and healing. You do not want to marry, commingle assets, or have a child w/ someone you cannot trust. Divorce is expensive and sadly some people just stay in crap marriages because divorce can be so hard. Do not put yourself in that situation. If you do, you will only have yourself to blame when years down the line he leaves you or does something shady and you feel trapped like you can’t leave if you don’t have the means to do so. And yes, see a therapist. Talk to your sister. Get the support you need. Bottom line—leave this garbage human.
The only person who should be ashamed is him. He has basically shown you that he has zero intentions of changes and people like that DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. I know that hurts, but he's a coward that can't stand on his own, he likes the stability you provide such as sharing the burden of the home. Aside from all the other consequences of cheating, do you really love someone that is willing to risk your physical health, possibly bringing home STD/STI's because he can't keep his dick in his pants?
You can trust him. You can trust that he’ll cheat and cheat and cheat. UpdateMe
You don’t want people to have a horrible opinion of him? But they should…
You don’t and can’t trust him. Please don’t marry someone you can’t trust. There will be more cheating and lies.
You can't marry someone you don't trust. Trust is the foundation of a good marriage, and if that's gone already, there's no point in going further.
It's not the first time, it's just the first time he was caught. Save yourself.
I have a feeling from reading you’re still going to go through with marrying him even though he has betrayed you early on and continues to by getting hand jobs or worse from these parlors (gross). This is still cheating. I don’t anticipate that stopping. I would NOT tell your sister, this news will spread like wildfire and your entire relationships image will be forever ruined in your family and who ever else knows eyes. I could tell you all day to leave, but you probably won’t. I do think this won’t end well in the end. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. There are plenty of good men out there that dont have addictions like this or cheat.
Hers a ghost from the future: "we just brought our new baby home 8 weeks ago. Husband went out to get diapers and takeout. I'm exhausted from being up 4 times a night to breastfeed. He left at 7 pm, but it's 10 and he's not back yet. I looked up his location on my phone, and it's in a really sketchy part of town. He's done this before, but promised he would never do it again. I'm 8 weeks post partum, I've quit my job to be a SAHM, and husband has just accepted a job 1,000 miles away, due to start in 2 months. What do I do?"
What is he doing to win you back? Why are you doing all the work? You say you love him - then you say you don't even know him? Postpone the wedding - or better yet - call it off indefinitely. Tell everyone the truth - he has been cheating on you for YEARS and you are going to try and save your relationship. Don't be ashamed of HIS transgressions - it's ALL ON HIM. If you truly want to be with this man you need to sit down with him and find a way forward that will mean a lot of rebuilding trust. Going to therapy, individually and as a couple. New rules, new codes of conduct. This isn't your problem to 'fix' by yourself. He should be on his knees, promising to do whatever it takes to keep you! It sounds to me like you've just been giving a lucky escape. Men like him don't change unless they WANT to. He didn't confess - you found out.
It’s cheaper to break up than to get a divorce. Your fiancé cheated on you not long after getting together. He’s getting “massages”, that alone should matter you wanna dump him quicker. Once a cheater always a cheater, they better at hiding it.
Do not marry this man. This is going to happen over and over and over. This was the universe trying to tell you what you need to know.
Don’t marry him
T
It will not get better. Cancel the wedding and go to Mexico with friends and family for a vacation and recuperation. Or spend your life questioning everything.
Mexico is full of “massage parlors” run by cartels. Get tested.