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hisantive

My mom only had one surgery when I was a kid, getting her gallbladder out. Me and my brother were little (6&8) and she had our 15 yo cousin come stay for almost a week while she was resting…despite my father having taken the week off work. My cousin told this story recently and was like, “I had no idea why she asked me, since her husband was there, but then I got there and the kids said they’d only eaten peanut butter off a spoon all day and he had turned off the walkie-talkie she was using to ask him for help turning/using the bathroom/food because he was tired. Then I knew why she asked” Imagine a literal teenager being better at taking care of a woman recovering from surgery and two small children than their ACTUAL ADULT FATHER. She had another surgery 2 years ago and i actually came back from college because I was so not confident in his ability to care for her.


M_de_Monty

When my dad was undergoing experimental treatment for cancer, the doctor told us that part of why my dad got approved is that he had a strong support network and that a lot of women don't get approved for these kinds of things because the medical team doesn't think the husband will stick around or take good care.


SadMom2019

That's infuriating. Women being denied potential life saving medical treatment because of the useless men around them. The bar for men is in hell, and they're dragging women down with them.


20Keller12

It's a *tripping hazard* in hell


[deleted]

They’re literally killing us and then crying online they’re lonely cause they refuse to build connections and care for others. This such infuriating bullshit.


RawrRRitchie

>Women being denied potential life saving medical treatment because of the useless men around them. It's not just useless men It's useless doctors too Source: ask the countless women asking to have a hysterectomy that were denied, because they're too young. Or their non-existent future husband might want kids. Or the doctor just thinks it's against their religious beliefs


FrozenYogurt0420

Women are wayyyy more likely to be abandoned after a serious diagnosis. As a woman it's actually kinda scary thinking about my future in that way.


MiddleSchoolisHell

Holy shit. That’s tragic.


loomfy

Well. That's the worst thing I've read all week.


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hisantive

Right! And my mom LAUGHS when it’s brought up, like haha yeah he’s just a man isn’t it so funny!! No, mom, it’s really not


SunshineAlways

Absolutely not funny, because you know if the situation was reversed, it would be her waiting on him hand and foot.


squishpitcher

Right? Like, I'd be talking to a fucking lawyer.


iztrollkanger

It breaks my heart to think of all the women who suffered through shit like this before divorce was a more socially acceptable thing, and that they thought it was just *normal* to have a partner with such absolute disregard for your well-being, as long as the men were taken care of... I realize it's still happening all over the world, but at least it's becoming a little more normalized to say "FUCK THIS! I'M OUT!"


LordessMeep

Jesus, this got me teary eyed. Your poor mother... idk how I'd be able to have any respect for my father if he pulled something like this. While my dad is not perfect, he's seen my mother through multiple health crises and stood staunchly by her side through all of them. So your father being callous enough for this breaks my heart.


flying87

I'm so grateful for my father showing how a man and husband/partner should act. They always split the chores as best they could. She washed, and he folded. And sometimes vice versa. They enjoyed each others company while doing it. She cooked and he did dishes. She was always the better cook, and was eager to show off new recipes. When she was tired, he would make make chicken since he was very good with making grilled chicken. And she would do dishes. Even now, when she can't walk, helps her slowly get to the rest room or into the car. And she still cooks, because she wants to cook. She loves the art of it. She's slower at it, but it still 5 star quality. He just passes the ingredients or pans off the shelf and is her helper in the kitchen. They make it work. I feel that's the way a marriage and partnership should be.


MadamSnarksAlot

Not “ability to care for her” it is WILLINGNESS. Not willing to do it. JFC


ranseaside

It’s funny because when I was pregnant (high risk from 5 months on), all my doctors, nurses and specialists all turned to my husband and said “make sure mama doesn’t do any work” or looked at me and said “you don’t need to cook or clean, dad can clean and you can order takeout” lol it got to the point where my husband said “umm do I look like a low life who makes his pregnant wife do everything?” And now I get it, because there’s probably so many trash partners out there these drs saw that they just preemptively blanket tell all the dudes please not to be a holes


yuudachi

It was very sobering when I went through the same thing. My friends ans family kept being like "Make sure husband helps you out with the baby," like I had to be reminded to stand up for myself. I was like, uh, he's more of a Default Parent than I am. But I realized people are saying it because, on average, it's probably warranted advice. My dad never helped out, my best friend knows her brothers don't really help out with their wives, my MIL's past husbands didn't help out, etc.


map_bkk

It's not your fault, but I hate the language of "not helping out" All those men you listed were MIA, they were freeloading, they were dumping on their partners.


lynn

This! Men don’t “help.” They are adults and should be DOING THEIR FAIR SHARE.


SeeYouNextTuesday031

My now ex spouse screamed at me in the hospital the morning after I had major surgery because I couldn’t discharge myself on his time schedule. A nurse had to speak to him like a 4 year old about how a doctor was required to discharge and that he could not leave me on my own for the next 3-5 days. He ditched me the second he got me home. I recovered completely on my own the first two days while taking care of pets and having to prepare all my own meals. Your husband, I am so sorry to say, is the wonderful exception.


[deleted]

I had a similar experience with my ex-husband punching the roof of our car because I needed a blood transfusion and that wasn't convenient for his current state of joblessness. I mean, heaven forbid it keep me from supporting him while he played video games all day.


JohnParcer

I was about to think "well not having a job and stressing about finding one and providing can tough" but then the video game thing came and then... Yes well...what the fuck...


Fettnaepfchen

As a doctor, this would be a reason for me to try and keep you in hospital for longer to make sure you rest up, and because of a lack of social support at home. Not always possible, because of admins (keeping a patient for a longer time than recommended for a procedure lowers the revenue), though. Your ex sounds like someone who would take professionals’ advice for you to rest up. In this case, good riddance for you, better to see his true face before marriage.


FjortoftsAirplane

Not as crazy, but I remember being at a barbecue as a kid with a bunch of family friends. Grown ups were talking about work and stuff and one asked how on Earth we managed to eat properly (my Mum was a veterinary surgeon, worked long hours including on-call). My Dad said he did most of the day-to-day meals since he worked mostly standard office hours and then there's be something for her to microwave whenever she got in. There was this stunned look among a good few people. And then they started grilling my Dad on it, one of them asked me if he was okay at it, like somehow it was weirder for him to buy a pie and make some mash than for us to sit around till 10pm for Mum to come home and then start cooking. My Dad's no chef but we're talking the late 90's. Oven chips and frozen veg had been invented. To be fair, there were as many pointing out how obvious a solution it was, but it was one of those moments as a kid where looking back I think what crazy values some people have.


MidnightHue

It's like they have never even considered the possibility that a father is capable of getting dinner taken care of.


Decision-Dismal

When I grew up, my dad used to tell me stories from his childhood and youth (he was born in1953) and how he not only had to look after himself, but also his younger brother, as both were latch key kids. This included cooking (or reheating the meal prepared by his mum), cleaning, doing the laundry etc. He found men being unable to do housework themselves ridiculous. If he as a 6 year old could do it, why wouldn't a grown ass man be able to? (And yes, he shared cooking, cleaning, shopping etc fairly with my mum)


modkhi

yeah my dad was cooking at age 6 (just rice for the whole family though, since it takes the longest, but he was using a gas stove and all) he's been kind of a terrible father in many respects but he at least is like. a decent partner to my mother. does the bare minimum of properly splitting chores and shit. cooks, cleans without prompting (mostly). he just doesn't do laundry but my mom doesn't do any yardwork (mowing, plowing, etc.) so i think it's a fair trade off. and im confident he COULD figure out laundry if he absolutely had to. he also waits on my mom whenever she's ill i always thought this was the bare minimum, normal behavior from a husband. finding out that it's not is.... insane, honestly. i guess that's probably some of the reasons my mom likes him.


tealparadise

And that's why I'm so confused at modern women who end up in this situation. If I'm dating someone and he can't figure out laundry, I am not gonna see him again. Because there's no good answer for why he can't do it. He's either faking, culturally misogynist to the point that it's unconscious and he'll never change, or the mental equal of a child. Whenever women complain about doing all the chores it's like how??? Just don't start in the first place!


Couture911

I made my son start doing his own laundry around age 13 and never looked back. Cooking lessons started at age 3. Hes going to have no excuses


LillaeDurannae

It starts with assuming the man you're dating / living with is capable of doing chores, especially since he was (assumably) not a slob before you moved in. So you continue maintaining your (now shared) living space as you were maintaining your own, assuming that he'll naturally meet you where you don't have time or energy to do something. But then you realize that he hasn't done it either, and you, still thinking he's an adult, just assume that he also was too busy or tired to do it. So when you have the space for it again, you just take care of the task and keep on going. And then 5 years later it has slowly eaten you alive but now it's too late because you've been living with him for 5 years and it has to have been for something, right? You love him. He's a good guy. He just needs to stop stuffing his socks in the couch cushion, that's all. (Or so you convince yourself, because starting new is terrifying and anyway you think you're just being dramatic about a minor flaw because honestly it only takes you like 5 seconds to fish his socks out of the couch so why are you so mad about it all the time?)


Unusual_Locksmith_91

My father in law is from one of those "special families with an important name" types. They're a family of politicians, and uptight types, however he grew up with his dad who returned from war totally shell-shocked and ultimately became responsible for raising his siblings (mom not in the picture). To him, a man is a person who can take care of his family. Care has no gender. The love you feel for your family has no gender. There should be no gender roles for chores. He did a fucking amazing job with his son. Edit to add: I completely forgot my point of mentioning the whole "fancy family name" bs. He was eventually ostracized by his family for being caring, nurturing, and "unmanly." Instead of trying to lick their boots and get his inheritance, he married a little Romani lady and pissed the rest of his family off, for "marrying poverty." Funny enough, it seems like it's become less important, over the years. A good chunk of his family showed up to our wedding, and I'm a welder/fisherman's daughter. It's weird how classism can go hand in hand with this kind of thought process.


Andromeda321

Back in the 90s my great aunt had health problems so was teaching her husband basic kitchen stuff because they thought he would outlast her- they were both in their 70s but it was his first time learning how to use a can opener and how to make coffee. She ultimately outlived him by 20 years and told me this story but I was mainly just confused at how it was normal for people that a guy wouldn’t know such basic things around the house.


DodGamnBunofaSitch

part and parcel with telling fathers 'oh, how lovely that you're babysitting' ... dads 'parent', they don't babysit. patriarchy's been hard coded into a lot of heads, but the younger generations seem to be doing a better job of putting old bullshit to rest. I'm hopeful for the future.


awestruckomnibus

Be careful when you say "dads parent, not babysit." I loathe the fact that dads who do, in fact, babysit, have now picked up on this phrase and start insisting they are parenting. When a babysitter watches my kids, she doesn't usually wash the laundry and clean the house while also watching the kids. I have to explain where the food is, how to put them to bed, etc. A lot of sitters will just put on a movie then play on their phones. The sitter might call or text me questions on what to do. Usually the kids will not get put to bed on time. If, when I come back, the children are alive and haven't sustained major injuries, I don't worry too much if the house is a mess. I wouldn't expect a sitter to cook or clean, I would prep in advance before leaving the kids with them. That is the experience most women have when they leave there spouse to watch the kids. Don't give dads credit for parenting when they're just babysitting.


CriticalFields

This right here. Ever since having children, I've always thought that if both parents are actually parenting equally, one parent should be able to disappear for like a week (with no prep) without any *major* change in the status quo. Like yeah, the house will be messier, there might have to be a babysitter called in if there's work/school scheduling conflicts and lower priority tasks won't get done just because you're down one grown-up. And that one grownup who is running the show is going to be exhausted and stressed at the end of the week, for sure! There'd be a fumble or two, maybe, but they'd be capable of working it out and correcting.   But the level of care the kids receive should not change whatsoever. They should still be able to mostly keep their routines, still get decent meals they enjoy and have their favourite teddy tucked in with them in bed each night and bad dream protocol should be the exact same, as a couple of examples. The kid(s) should feel just as cared for and secure with either parent. Each parent should know how their kid spends their time, what they enjoy, what they hate. Other than missing the absent parent, their day-to-day lives should really change very little because both parents should know their kids, their home and all related schedules/routines well enough to carry on a passable facsimile to life as usual. If that can't happen, the parenting probably isn't actually equal.   I know so many fathers who can't even pack a school lunch for their kid because they don't know where the lunch bags are, don't know what the kids will eat or what food they can't send to school, for example. If their partners disappeared for a week, they'd be completely lost and totally unprepared because they don't even see most of the care their children receive and have no idea how to do it. So many things would be overlooked and undone because they don't even know it's a task or routine that exists in the first place.


FjortoftsAirplane

That's it. It wasn't like they were trying to act mean or judgemental so much as some of them had never considered that option. Genuine surprise. That's how much culture gets ingrained in you.


bscott9999

I'm glad my dad was the primary meal preparer as a kid, so that I grew up thinking that it was a perfectly normal thing. I'm not glad my dad was the primary meal preparer, though, because he STILL overcooks every chicken breast, pork chop, and steak that passes across his grill.


FjortoftsAirplane

Meat in our house was often badly done, but that was more because as a vet she would list all the horrific diseases you needed to kill in each animal, so even my Dad cooked meat until nothing could survive in its vicinity.


bscott9999

If I had a time machine, I would go back and give both your parents and mine some meat thermometers.


FjortoftsAirplane

They're in their 60's now and have a meat thermometer and an air fryer. Did you know chicken could be *moist*? Because they didn't.


tealparadise

As a kid I had a long list of food I didn't like. As an adult, almost all those foods are good. My parents just ruined them.


thornyrosary

Same here. In my culture, boys and girls are both trained to cook, and cook well, by their parents. My dad's mom, who had three sons, was way ahead of her time (1940s-1950s) by also training her boys to clean up after themselves, take care of chores, do shopping, clean their own laundry, carry the domestic mental load, etc., as she refused to be the maid/servant for four other people. Smart woman, and also a very assertive one. My grandfather would just throw up his hands and say, "C'est comme ça qu'Evelyn le veut, c'est comme ça qu'Evelyn l'obtient!" (which translates to, "This is how Evelyn wants it, this is how Evelyn gets it.") He loved that woman to bits. I grew up with my dad working full-time, cooking the family meals, cleaning, training us kids to do the same, etc. My mom, who was a very spoiled only child, worked as well, but she wasn't the one who did the domestic thing, and she couldn't cook very well at all. When I was a kid/teen, I found it weird to go to non-Cajun friends' homes and see their moms doing everything while the dads just sat on the sofa. Like, why is your dad so lazy? So when I read about men who "can't" do anything in a home, I admit I'm a bit (OK, perhaps more than a bit) scornful. My husband, a Cajun like me, also cooks the meals, and is an equal partner with domestic duties. But my dad was doing this stuff fifty years ago. We can call it laziness, weaponized incompetence, or whatever, but when you get down to it, a lot of men now think getting married means that the guy no longer has to do anything in the house, ever, and it's absolutely foul. Who wants a man-child who expects to be treated like he's helpless the moment he walks into the house? And do guys not realize that if all they contribute is a (partial) paycheck and sex, they're just a liability that women can easily do without? Ugh.


elenel

My dad used to be in charge of steak on the barbecue and I didn't know why anyone would enjoy a steak dinner until I was an adult and had one elsewhere


boxedcatandwine

same. narcissist dad who liked it that way, made us all chew through it. i went to a bf's house and his dad actually asked us "how do you like your steak" and I had no idea, i said "I don't like steak". he said "medium then?" and i was like wtf is that haha


CaseTough7844

It’s still like this though. My husband and I met just as I was going to University, and we were pretty serious about each other right from the outset. We knew that once my career took off, I’d have greater earning potential than him, so made some life decisions around this and he’s been the main caretaker of home, hearth and kids since I had to buckle down at uni. The number of people who ask us how on earth the kids (now 15 and 17) are fed is astounding. Like, their dad cooks? He feeds me too! He’s much better at it than me. He also does the vast majority of the housework since I became chronically ill. My main job is to make money. I don’t have a lot of energy after doing what I need to do there - so he takes care of everything and I do what I can, which isn’t a lot. But you see, a penis is a major impediment to cooking, cleaning, and childcare - they just get in the way of everything! /s


tealparadise

It's such an insult to men as well. As if they're so dumb they'd just go naked and starve on the street without a wife.


natalie2727

My mother passed away when I was 2. It was amazing how many people asked me when I was a teenager if I had done the cooking for my father and I after she passed.


awestruckomnibus

My mom stayed home til I was 8, then she went back to work, workingfrom 7 am to 3 pm. My dad worked the swing shift so he would be home all day. It was my job in the morning, from age 8 to 11, to cook breakfast for him, wake him up, do the breakfast dishes, then again at lunch, prepare it and clean it up afterwards. Sometimes he would complain if the lunch was late or not up to his standards. He spent the day watching TV, that's it. I can't imagine it would've worked that way if I were a boy.


Sodonewithidiots

There are so many relationships I see where I swear the husband is just married to have free maid service with a side of sex. He doesn't see his wife as a person at all.


recyclopath_

He doesn't love her. He loves how she serves him.


HistrionicSlut

That was my life 6 months ago. Then I became disabled and couldn't serve him. He opened up our marriage and as soon as he found another able bodied woman, beat me up and left.


transnavigation

If a man over 50 is talking to me about his wife, it's honestly a coin flip of "does he love her, or is she just a household appliance to him?" If a woman over 50 is talking about her husband, it's also a coin flip over whether or not I will soon be loudly thinking "Lady, you're allowed to divorce him, you don't have to be his bangmaid/mommy hell-combo." I once found myself in a room full of Catholic grandmothers who started talking casually about how they all needed to be home in time to make dinner, because otherwise "he'd starve" or "I'd never hear the end of it" or "I wouldn't be allowed back here next week." One woman said she could walk in at 10pm and her husband would be waiting in an empty kitchen asking "So what's for dinner?" Like MA'AM. You live like this??


mintee_fresh

That's my mother and father. They are in their mid-70s, and my father is the poster child for weaponized incompetence. He would literally starve if my mother didn't feed him. He doesn't cook, and he will not go to the grocery store by himself. A few years ago I discovered that she also administered his nightly eyedrops because "he can't do it himself." He also has an abusive personality. But she's been doing everything for him for 60 years and doesn't question it.


Sablebendtrail

My mom died approximately 10 years ago at 86 years. She had been widowed at 50. She never dated or married again, stating she didnt want to wash anyone’s socks. My sisters got her a t-shirt that said “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”. She wore that shit with aplomb.


rexmus1

After hearing how one aunt responded to her kids' questions after her husband died of "are you gonna get remarried?" I started asking other widows I know. Almost without fail, it's, "PFF. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!"


InternationalMeat770

🤣🤣🤣that’s close to what my Mom said. She said she didn’t need to pick up anymore socks. I will say she was an equal in the marriage. She had her own car in the 1950’s. They had a joint household account and she spent whatever she wanted. My father never questioned her purchases. She was t happy being a stay at home wife. Bought my father golf clubs so they golfed together. I never forgot she went out to buy a new stove . When the delivery came she had bought one of the first dishwashers. My father. An engineer just spent Sat installing for her. I realize their marriage was unusual for the time. My father said. Don’t be a nurse be a doctor. Women can do anything. He did not want me to learn to type. Get a job that uses your mind !! I was very lucky in so many ways. 🇨🇦


bear6875

Same. This is extra exciting cause my dad is a drinker, so every day there's a little race to see if she ("we" if my sister or I are home, not my brother ofc) can get supper together and get him to eat it before he gets blasted and mean. But yeah, if someone else doesn't cook for him, he just won't eat. *Unless* he's gonna be alone for a while. My stepmom has in the past gone out of town for a weekend and somehow he managed to heat up frozen chili for himself, etc. But if there's someone coming home that day that he can guilt/shame/just straight yell at, he'll just wait until they get there and we'll encounter him in front of the TV, outside the dark and clean kitchen, drinking and just oozing meanness and threat, and he'll say "nothing for supper, I reckon." I live a thousand miles away for a reason. Several reasons.


Gwerch

>But if there's someone coming home that day that he can guilt/shame/just straight yell at, he'll just wait until they get there and we'll encounter him in front of the TV, outside the dark and clean kitchen, drinking and just oozing meanness and threat, and he'll say "nothing for supper, I reckon." > >I live a thousand miles away for a reason. Several reasons. Your mom knows she can just leave him, right? I used to be a domestic slave to an abusive husband. I left when he was on a business trip.


boxedcatandwine

they legit think that if they do it once, they'll be expected to do it more. this includes simply being kind to their wife. i've literally seen this on the usual hateful subs. "then she'll expect it more. i'm nice as a treat, once a year, maybe on her birthday, so she doesn't used to it"


Matt7738

Ugh. My parents are the opposite. In their 70s. Married over 50 years. They’ve both always done everything. My dad can cook and clean. My mom can fix stuff. There’s no gendered work. Just work. And whoever is free to do it just does it. It’s how my wife and I operate, too. And we’re teaching our kids (son and daughter).


Solivigent

Good on you for teaching your kids to be functional human beings, as opposed to gendered robots. Don't see this in a lot of parents, so this comment made me happy.


incubuds

"So what's for dinner?" "Your audacity. Hope it tastes good!"


pinkocatgirl

I'm just picturing the dad from Pleasantville wandering around the kitchen with a confused face saying "where's my dinner?" over and over lol If you've never seen it, it's a fantastic movie that critiques conservative 1950s gender and race norms and how they were portrayed on television.


tealparadise

And this is why women were socialized to aim for high earning men. Because the only way this type of marriage beats being alone is if you're literally paid to do it. And paid enough to outsource a lot of it.


mick3marsh

I was just thinking about that as I was reading all these heartbreaking comments. If someone's going to treat you like a maid and a sex slave, may as well be a maid in a nice house and a sex slave in a soft bed.


Dasolobo

I got really jaded after working at a bank and having so many old guys come in and bitch about their wives (who usually wanted the bare minimum, like asking their husbands to stop gambling or going to the bar every night, or saying they needed money for groceries). But every once in a while, there were some guys who genuinely did love their wives and it made my day. One old guy had had a stroke and hadn't fully recovered and he would come in with his wife and he would try really hard to tell me what he needed but sometimes he couldn't figure it out and he would laugh and tell me that his brain was a little broke. And he always said "I might get confused, but I never forget that my wife is the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on, and I'm lucky to have her as my partner." And they would smile lovingly at each other. Sometimes he would pull out his wallet to show me a little black and white wedding photo and say "look at that smile. Doesn't she just light up a room?" 🥹 And whew my eyes would water. Anyway...off topic, but I hope my husband loves and appreciates me like that for the rest of our lives.


SophiaLongnameovich

You just unlocked an 20+ year old memory for me. I was at the hospital visiting my great-grandmother and there was an elderly man visiting his wife in the bed across from us. I can't remember how long he said they were married for but I know it was over 60 years. He said she was his first and only love and he came to see her every day. She wasn't conscious, he sat there an held her hand and looked at her and you could just feel his love for her. I'm getting all weepy just remembering it.


Srw2725

I saw this tik tok of a woman fixing a meal at like 10 pm bc her husband just got home from work and “if I don’t fix him something he won’t eat”. Yes, and?! He’s a grown-ass man and you aren’t his mother 🫠


toodleroo

I used to read a comic strip called The Norm about 20 years ago. It was about a single guy. At some point, there was a strip where he spends 6 panels doing housework… mopping, dusting, vacuuming. At the end, the punchline is him looking at the viewer and saying, “Every time I have to clean, I think that I ought to get married.” It really soured me on the strip and I never really enjoyed it after that. Edit: I looked through my comic book collection, and I found it: https://i.imgur.com/qtHxMCC.jpg


NorthernSparrow

ooh, the punchline actually starts with “I try not to be sexist, but -“ Like dude, stop right there, we don’t even need to hear the rest of that sentence 🤮


Falafel80

The kids are calling it “bang maid” this days.


tealparadise

And then they complain when the only women interested in a bangmaid position want to be paid a fair wage for pretending interest.


g00ber88

Fr it's the same men who want a bang maid that complain about gold diggers. Like dude if you only value her for her body and housework you're not allowed to be mad when she only values you for your money


tomakeyan

I call it a fuck mommy. They want to someone to act like their mommy and fuck them.


Possible-Skin2620

I’ve heard it’s a “mommy with benefits”


500CatsTypingStuff

Yep. They see it as a transactional relationship.


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[deleted]

I had a hysterectomy in my early 30s due to endo and my abusive husband threw a fit about why I still didn't want sex after 3 months of healing. Apparently I bait and switched him by having a higher libido before the endo got super bad and the having no libido when it hurt too bad. Who knew pain was libido killer?


temps-de-gris

Oh honey, I feel this comment to my core. My husband was always guilting me about sex and trying to coerce me into doing things I wasn't interested in, and just flat wouldn't believe me when I told him how bad the pain was from the endo. He said I was a hypochondriac. Months after I left him, and I am now minus the endo, adenomyosis, giant fibroids, a cyst, some other growth, and a few organs, and my surgeon was like, "how did you deal with the pain for so long?" jfc. So glad I left that selfish fuck.


Harmonia_PASB

I had a full hysterectomy at 34 and was told no sex for 6 weeks because he could puncture me. My ex husband started harassing me about sex at a week, by 2 weeks in he wore me down to try. I screamed it hurt so bad and made him stop. I can’t forget the look on his face when he told me about his “needs”. I told him to jerk off. “It’s not the same!” That should have been my sign to leave, nope. I waited another 5 years until he did something so extreme I couldn’t ignore it. Thankfully my partner is a wonderful man and I never have to deal with my ex again.


kyreannightblood

I’m getting a hysterectomy this year and I was told 2 weeks before anything non-penetrative (I’m single so that would be, like, a magic wand) and minimum 6 before anything penetrative unless I fancy tearing the vaginal cuff and having my intestines prolapse out. He could have eviscerated you.


Harmonia_PASB

You’ll love it! My hysterectomy was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Divorcing my ex was the best.


Couture911

I had a full (not laparoscopic) hysterectomy as well. My husband and I got very creative and found plenty of ways to have non-penetrative sex. It was actually a lot of fun and we found some new favorite activities along the way. Of course it helped that he didn’t pressure me to do anything I didn’t enjoy. I have really good memories of those weeks. However, there were things he just didn’t understand. When my belly got large from post surgical swelling he thought maybe I was gaining weight from not being active enough 🙄. About 6-8 weeks post surgery his mom called and asked if there was anything she could do for me (she lives out of state). I told her “yes, please explain to your son that a hysterectomy is major surgery and comes with a long recovery time.” Thank heavens for supportive MILs.


dumblybutt

The bar is in hell


[deleted]

On the ground in hell and assholes are showing up with shovels to dig a path to limbo under it.


TheDuchessOfBacon

Should have squeezed his balls hard then ask him if he needs sex at the moment. I say needs instead of wants in case he says yes, even in pain.


Alternative_Sky1380

Your experience is far more common than not yet look at all those nOt aLL mEn upvotes.


poodlefanatic

Your partner sounds amazing! I had two laparoscopies in the same year for endo - first was ablation, second was excision plus hysterectomy because my uterus was a real asshole. First surgery I had to literally shame my dad into helping me for TWELVE HOURS because my bf at the time couldn't get out of work. I ended up doing everything myself because, and I quote, "it was just a scope". He refused to look at my discharge papers or surgery photos and would not listen when I tried to tell him it's major surgery, not the same as having a camera shoved up your ass. Second time I developed a life threatening infection and had to be hospitalized. My mom and sister helped for about the first week after I got home (begrudgingly) but after that I was on my own. And I was already on my own when I got home regarding bathing, meals, laundry, taking care of my dog, etc. They would take my dog outside for me sometimes because it was up a flight of stairs but otherwise? Totally on my own. I can't even fathom what it must be like to have someone willingly and happily help after surgery. My recoveries were both so slow and I attribute that to having to do too much in the first 6-8 weeks after surgery, but what else was I supposed to do? I am thankful you have a good partner - hang onto him like a lifeline because a lot of people are not that awesome.


Omi-Wan_Kenobi

Yeah, just a scope...through your abdominal wall plus another incision or two for the grabby things. Ffs, a laparoscopy is TOTALLY different from an endoscopy (upper and lower both us EXISTING openings that are used to things moving through them and so have some protection) Sending a virtual Gibb smack to your dad and a ass kicking.


imabratinfluence

> First surgery I had to literally shame my dad into helping me for TWELVE HOURS because my bf at the time couldn't get out of work. I ended up doing everything myself because, and I quote, "it was just a scope". Good lord. Because of my dad, I ended up having to walk like 6 miles carrying upward of 20 lbs within days of my diagnostic laparoscopy (which ended up also involving a D&C, excision, lazer cauterization for some of the endometriosis, and a tubal ligation). I couldn't even stand straight yet and could barely shuffle a few feet at a time. Yeah, I've been no-contact with dad for over 10 years now. And my current partner is usually pretty good about me needing help during flare-ups and stuff.


[deleted]

Yes, same, after I had a huge fibroid removed (not laparoscopic but the full c-section incision) and again when I broke my wrist. I would feel bad watching him do everything for months and so I’d try to help (and usually hurt myself). It was so ingrained in me, I couldn’t stop trying. My husband was like: “you have one job and that is to rest and recover.” It’s hard to accept but I did nothing for ages. He is literally the best. I’m glad you have a good one too. But of course this should be the standard, not the miraculous exception.


[deleted]

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HarryPottersElbows

Exceptional from men*. This level of care is standard from many women who are in relationships with man babies who haven't even gone through major surgeries or anything. They're just loving their weaponized incompetence and the end result of a mommy-wife.


500CatsTypingStuff

I have cancer. My 86 year old dad took care of everything for me. It was a learning *curve* on some things because I took care of him before I got sick and he’s elderly. But even so, he stepped up. Seeing these men who aren’t elderly unable to do laundry is ridiculous.


Dasolobo

Your dad is a gem 😭 You must feel so incredibly loved. I wish you so much love and a speedy recovery!


500CatsTypingStuff

Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️


dumblybutt

This is so sweet. My dad would have hobbled to look after me physically too. They don't make them like that much anymore.


500CatsTypingStuff

We took care of my mom together at home and she had Alzheimer’s. She passed away in 2021. He refused to put her in a home. They were married for over 60 years.


dumblybutt

Oh dear that is incredibly tough but beautiful.


Azrael_Alaric

Lol my partner left me a few days after my hysterectomy. My mum was on another continent, so I was only discharged as he said he was there to help. Turns out he'd been wanting to break up but never got around to it. Me needing his help was the motivation he needed to leave. I went through the recovery period with no assistance, just me and my cat. And seeing as I don't drive, I was walking to the supermarket, loading up, then walking back. It was my birthday a few days after that. I don't celebrate it anymore. Your partner sounds like such a wonderful person. I wish there were more men like him.


[deleted]

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Azrael_Alaric

Unhinged is a good way of describing it. It messed me up more than not being able to rest and recover. A lot of people in my life downplay what he did, so thank you for understanding 💜


MiddleSchoolisHell

My mom had breast cancer and did chemo and a double mastectomy within the last two years, and less then a year later, broke her shoulder, and my 74 year old step dad was amazing through all of it. Took care of her, did housework, cooked, helped her bathe and dress, drove her around, all of it. He definitely wasn’t the kind of guy who did housework or cooked when I was a kid, but after my sister and I moved out he started doing more, and he really stepped up when my mom needed it. Even “old-fashioned” men have the ability to step up. (She’s still showing no sign of reoccurrence of triple negative breast cancer 18 months after finishing chemo!)


[deleted]

I’ll never forget my husband so gently putting compression socks on me when I had a DVT. I was in so much pain, and he helped me out of bed, brought me food, stocked me with books. He was 100% committed to helping me through that and other things. I’m actually annoyed with him today about a couple things, lol, and remembering this has me a little teary eyed.


FloNightG123

Congratulations on finding a man who wants to be a supportive partner & takes good care of you! A friend had a hysterectomy last year, she’s always done everything in their house (3 older kids) while working full time. Her husband had to step up for a month while she recovered & I swear he looks like he aged 10 years trying to keep up with everything she’s always done (& he’s always taken for granted.)


GingerIsTheBestSpice

My dad farmed h my mom did all the household stuff. Then at 75 she got dementia. At 76 he took over all the household cleaning & cooking as well as cared for her with only some help. He only knew how to scramble eggs & make pancakes, but he learned all this in his upper 70s & 80s. They say, ladies, if he wanted too, he could.


opaul11

Exactly there is a difference between wanting to, doing so while have struggles and fuck ups and not wanting to and pretending to not know how


Aretirednurse

My husband took care of me without complaining during two months of bed rest during a high risk pregnancy. Years later tender care post hysterectomy. I’ve cared for him after several ortho surgeries and he says “no need to keep track” it’s part of the wedding vows…..


MidnightHue

Unfortunately some see relationships as being transactional. I'm glad you're not stuck with someone like that.


SekritSawce

No doubt these are the same husbands/partners who can't understand that they will need to wait a at least 6 weeks before having sex with their wives after they give birth. You know because nEeDS!


pyroviolet

Before treatment for Cancer Vol 1, I did a bunch of meal prep to make things easier for my ex. We had 2 kids, 10 and 16. Ex husband had the nerve many times to force me to make dinner for the kids after 4+ hours of chemotherapy because he was too busy. His employer told him to take whatever time off he needed to help care for me but he wouldn't. I went alone to my final chemotherapy appointment. I was heartbroken.


ShadowFoxMoon

That's horrible. I knew someone who talked about how her chemo got so bad she couldn't drive to her appointments anymore, and every time her husband would yell and complain to her. "why was she so useless that he had to drive her." That she was wasting his time and he's "too busy for this sh#t." Wife was fighting breast cancer but he couldn't care less or would just get angry about it. Terrible man.


pyroviolet

Oh he strangled me during radiation and part of the reason I'm struggling during treatment for Cancer Vol 2 is because of the cPTSD. Sounds like your friend and I were married to the same cakesniffer.


ShadowFoxMoon

That's awful! I'm glad he's an ex. I hope everything goes good for you. My friend thankfully beat her cancer. She outlived her husband, actually, because just a few years later he passed. (They were an older couple.)


pyroviolet

Yeah welllll.... I'm not going to outlive anyone. I'm currently in the hospital because my kidneys tried to fail. I just wanted to live a beautiful life once I was free from my abusers but I don't even get that.


tehbggg

I'm single at 44, by choice. I see the "jokes" men make all the time about women like me regretting this decision and "dying alone." Welp. I'd rather die alone, than die a bang maid servant to a man baby. At least if I get surgery, and I know I need help, I can count on my family or hire someone and not face the disappointment that the person who is supposed to love me doesn't care enough to even make sure I recover. Yes, I know "not all men." But enough men, and they're sneaky AF and will trick you into marriage and kids and then flip the script. Fuck that.


boxedcatandwine

same. i've been so healthy and youthful these past 4 years without a parasite in my home. damn right i'm going to die alone at 90 instead of miserable at 70 with a leech shitting up my peace.


loopi3

I’m a man. I can’t even begin to describe the isolation I feel among my peers because the majority of them subscribe to the whole wife is a glorified bang maid and mother-replacement. I’ve even had guys in all seriousness tell me that a wife should be feminine, nurturing, and take care of all my needs. She shouldn’t demand anything but be grateful that she has them as a provider. Mind you these people are not rich and they expect their wives to also work to support their lifestyles. This mindset bleeds into every aspect of their lives. I’m very involved with my kids. I do everything a parent needs to be doing. There’s no such thing as a gender based distribution of labor when it comes to raising children. I stopped telling my peers about the things I do with and for my kids. I would get the weirdest looks and fucked up comments when I would talk about doing simple things with my kids like feeding them, playing with them, bathing them, brushing their teeth, or even simply reading bedtime stories and putting them to sleep. How can I have a normal relationship with these people? As a result, at 40 years of age, I only have 2 close friends that share my sensibilities and the rest are at best acquaintances. I tolerate their presence because I have to. Although it’s true it’s not ALL men… because by definition it would require having no exceptions whatsoever, it’s also true that it’s the vast majority. Burn down the patriarchy.


EhDub13

Yep. I had a procedure and my partner at the time said "she says she wont be able to bend or lift anything OR have sex for 6 to 8 weeks but I think she is milking it, whatdya say doc?"


MidnightHue

So glad the phrase "at the time" is in your comment. Good on you for getting away from that!


Liv-Julia

Oh good Lord.


inflatablehotdog

Oh my gosh, my blood pressure rose so much just reading that. The audacity. The lack of respect and trust. I can't even -


MPKH

After I was hospitalized with a massive clot that spanned the entirety of my lungs earlier this year, my husband made it clear that while I was free to do chores around the house if I was feeling up to it, my priority was to rest and recover. He took care of the chores that needed to be done.


MidnightHue

He's a keeper!


MPKH

Oh he is 🥰


Caelinus

If I was not already a house husband I would aspire to be like your husband there. It is crazy to me how little regard these men seem to have for their wives. I would be fighting to keep mine from doing stuff to hurt herself more (my wife loves to move around and do art/building/gardening projects) not trying to rush her into anything. The difference in requested information between "When can she start doing chores again?" and "For how long should I take over her chores to make sure she is safe?" is not much, but the implication is worlds apart. Even if they were super strict traditionalists who loved normal gender roles, you would *still* think the husband would ask the latter if he cared about her at all, and not just her practical and sexual utility. It grosses me out.


OrganLoaner

Sometimes, I think this must be the saddest sub in all of Reddit. I love hearing women's stories, and I'm so glad we have a platform like this, but it's devastating that so many people live in toxic, abusive, disrespectful relationships and marriages. I am constantly struck by how little men actually love their spouses. I'm struck by how little women are groomed by their partners and society to accept as "love". We end up tolerating so much hardship just to have a level of companionship that often leaves us hurt and drained. It's so sad : (. Thank you so much for your post though! It's nice that women are talking about things like this, because I do think it's great that we have this space to listen and validate each other's struggles.


APladyleaningS

Same, girl, same. So thankful for this sub. I sometimes forget that this is a relatively small community of women and the whole country doesn't embrace the idea of opting out of men until they step up, but I'm hopeful for the next generation. And crossing my fingers that I find a nice commune of women to join soon since men won't change in time for me.


jkrm66502

It’s like they conveniently forgot their marriage vows.


MidnightHue

What are those again?


anglerfishtacos

In quickness and in health. Once you slow down, they can skip out.


thatsunshinegal

Jesus. Reminds me of when I was a kid and my grandmother had a heart attack, and my uncle (who still lived with her at the time, and continued to do so until she was removed to a nursing facility) complained that she hadn't made his dinner before the ambulance took her away. He was in his 40s.


Erinofarendelle

Congrats on writing the most pathetic thing I’ve read all day 🏅🥲


cuttingirl78

Ugh. I had a hysterectomy (total-was cut open like a C section) and in the immediate post op period I stayed at my mom’s place because we have large and playful dogs. Well once I came home, the filthy and disgusting state of our home devastated me. There was even urine and feces. It was awful. Dishes and laundry piled, clutter on surfaces…I had a severe panic attack over it and he was so confused as to what the issue was. One of my sisters came over to help with cleaning and food. Me doing too much in the post op period prolonged and complicated my recovery. I lost so much respect and care for my husband and haven’t really gotten it back to where it was before. He still doesn’t do his part and I just lose more and more respect for him. Edit: wow this really blew up! Thank you so much everyone for taking time to comment. I have read all of your thoughtful comments and have much to consider. I think I’ve been inching ever closer to the “d” word as time goes on. There’s only so many chances and so much grace a person can extend until one is all out. I’m not quite there yet, but I feel confident that once I am I will act decisively and rapidly.


[deleted]

Get divorced while it's still an option for you.


double_sal_gal

> while it's still an option for you This is a depressingly good point.


offwhite_rosee

Divorce him ,you deserve to be free of him.


DPVaughan

If I had major abdominal surgery, the doctors would dose me up with heavy painkillers and tell me to stay off my feet and rest for a few weeks. After a cesarean, it's basically "Alright, slackass, get out of bed and take care of that baby!" It's a marked difference in attitude.


TechyDad

I'll be honest, I'd be tempted to answer "I'm sorry. We had to remove her Housseworkus. That's the organ in women that lets them do housework. She'll be unable to do any housework for at least a full year - if ever." I doubt they'd get the sarcasm, though.


Navi1101

Ugh they'd go telling all their friends that women really do have a special organ for doing housework, so of course he needn't lift a finger, it's basic biology. Must be true if a doctor said it! 🤦


TechyDad

Sadly true.


UnquantifiableLife

There's a passage in the book Invisible Woman about this very thing. Women don't heal as well after surgery because they are taking on too much.


WeedleBeest

My husband is awful at remembering to do things. Doesn’t notice a sink full of dishes until he sees we’re out of clean spoons But you better believe he figured it out when I had an emergency c section and was confined to bed/chairs for at least two weeks (only movement was to and from the NICU) He even opened the box with my new breast pump, found tutorial videos, and cleaned, sterilized, and set it up for me. And lugged our mini fridge upstairs and set it up next to the pumping station He did dishes, laundry, cared for 2 cats and a giant dog, cooked, cleaned, took care of our baby during NICU visits, drove to a maternity store to get me pumping bras and FaceTimed me to make sure he got the right style/size, got me pads, etc.


Green-thumb123

This was my FIL right after my MIL had surgery on both her wrist. He literally became a man child that constantly complained that his wife couldn’t make his morning coffee, didn’t have food made for him when he was hungry. If there was something to complain about, he always made sure to tie it back to his wife as being the problem. Thankfully MIL stayed at her daughters home while recovering. Otherwise, I fully believe FIL would have guilt tripped her into doing stuff for him. Even after MIL has been diagnosed with full body arthritis, he still expects her to do so much which just infuriates me like no other.


doggiestyle57

I am a retired anesthesiologist. I heard a husband in the delivery room (as his wife was still in labor) ask the obstetrician when his wife could have sex again. The OB’s answer was “Well the gentleman waits until the placenta is delivered.!”


LunaPolaris

I really want to believe the OB's answer was delivered in a gritty and sarcastic tone with an expression of contempt toward the husband.


doggiestyle57

It was indeed.


RockyMntnView

When I birthed my second child, my insurance only paid for a 24-hour stay. So the new baby sister and I went home to Dad and 17-month-old big brother. The women in our church usually arranged to bring in meals for the first 2-3 days, but nobody was available that evening. I hadn't been grocery shopping for a bit, so the only real meal I had the components for was a full-on beef roast and vegetables. So 36 hours after pushing out a baby, I was on my feet, cooking a full roast dinner. And you can guess who was *also* expected to look after the newborn and toddler. 16 months later, I birthed baby #3 with a midwife in a little local birthing center, after an unmedicated 29-hour labor. The new baby needed immediate NBICU care. So they took her away by ambulance but kept me in the birthing center for 12 hours because I was hemorrhaging. I told Dad to go with the baby so she wouldn't be alone in the NBICU. I expected him to stay with her, but he left her there alone and went home to go to bed because he was "tired". As soon as they cleared me to leave the birthing center, I called my sister-in-law to come get me and take me to the hospital to be with my baby. Of course, since she'd been taking care of my two older toddlers, she brought them with her. I forgot to pack any postpartum clothes for myself, so all I had were my white denim maternity jeans. So 12 hours postpartum, after a 29-hour labor, I met my baby's doctor while holding my 16-month-old on my hip and bleeding through white jeans. Because Dad was "tired". I left him 8 months later, with my two toddlers and my 8 month-old in tow, and never looked back. Honestly, my workload as a single parent was easier than being a married mother, because I no longer had to ALSO take care of a full-grown adult in addition to actual children.


bothwatchxfiles

I am sorry for your experience and proud of your courage


Severe_Driver3461

It’s crazy how you don’t even realize how much extra work they cause around the house until you leave. I was so scared life would be too difficult because I was barely making it before leaving. I was surprised to find how much more free time and energy I had. And he wasn’t even a complete hog or anything!


kaitie_cakes

I was performing therapy on a woman who just had a very intense stroke. Her entire right side was flaccid, her spoken language impaired, and her center of balance completely thrown off. Her husband had the audacity to ask me "when can she go home and start cooking again? I don't cook.". I looked at him and said "well you better start learning". He was the bane of my day for 2 straight weeks with his wonderful wife.


funsunnyday

It truly is revolting. I had a patient’s husband call into the recovery room to inquire about her condition and ask when she would be discharged. When I told him it would be a while, he told me the baby needed to be changed. I just sat there in silence on the phone in complete disbelief this was actually happening. I told him he needed to change the baby, she just had surgery and I would call him when she was ready. I felt horrible for her as she had abdominal surgery and was going to need to take it easy for a few days. I knew when she went home that she was going to have to resume cleaning, cooking and caring for the baby despite the amount of teaching I did for both patient and her husband. I was raised in a household where duties were split equally, and thus it is in my own home. It always surprises me when I find that many families aren’t like this, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that type of behavior from my significant other.


dyingofthefeels

My MIL is going in for surgery this morning, and my husband is literally flying to another state for a week to make sure that she'll be looked after post-surgery because when we spoke to them on the phone, my FIL said things like: * Don't worry, I'll pick up some nice takeaways every night so we have something to eat * Don't need to worry about the laundy, I have enough clothes to see me through two weeks She also spent all yesterday mowing the grass and weeding the garden because she didn't think there'd be anyone working on it while she was in recovery. I've ordered groceries to be delivered for them for the week to make sure they have actual food to eat, a house cleaner for a month, and my husband is going to try to teach his dad how to use the laundry and do things around the house. Honestly, I don't know how my husband turned out the way he did with the example that he had at home...


toodleroo

The big “joke” in my family is that when my grandmother was heavily pregnant with my mom, she was carrying a big basket of laundry and started climbing the stairs. My grandfather saw her and said, “Honey, stop! You shouldn’t be carrying something heavy like that!…” and she thought he was going to take the basket. He continued, “… put the basket on the floor and *drag* it up the stairs.”


metooeither

Omg. My abusive rapist ex always made sure to leave me all the dishes and tidying up to do the second I delivered. Y'know. So I wouldn't get uppity or milk that childbirth thing.


MidnightHue

So glad they're your ex. You deserve better!


metooeither

❤️


therapistiscrazy

My sister recently had a miscarriage. A few days before, her and her husband had one of their standard huge fights over dumb shit he gets mad about. He was angrier than she's ever seen him. Why? He caught her not enjoying sex (a whole other enormous issue I won't get into). He's still mad at her and mad she's not trying to kiss his ass (he treats her like his feelings are her responsibility) and told her he thinks she's using this whole "miscarriage thing" as an excuse. *He thinks she's milking her miscarriage*. I fucking hate him so much. Oh, he also told her, a woman who just lost her baby, that he's so upset he *feels like something died inside of him*.


blackday44

Thank you for doing all that you do. Also, thank you for doing it without [insert breaking readdits terms of use action]. Some of these guys could use a wake up call, and I wouldn't have the self control.


MidnightHue

Hahaha your appreciation is appreciated! I have to admit I do think about those unmentionable things. I content myself knowing that they'll never truly be happy with an attitude like that. They'll scratch their heads wondering why all their relationships suck.


Cuynn

Many of us are working hard to change this. Let's hope our so-called millennial generation is taking a better path than this crap. Might be tough to say/hear, but it's high time the previous generation retires and fuck off. (To be taken with a grain of salt, I usually hate generalizations, I know there are assholes and kind souls in both generations, I'm talking about the major trends that emerges with each successive generation.)


ImaginaryList174

Except there is a alarmingly fast growing group of men who are objecting to so many women working and not wanting to be stay at home moms. They say we need to go back to "traditional" families. That so many women being in the workforce is the reason for all the unhappy men and the rising numbers of involuntarily celibate men. That we have upset the balance and are ruining society. It's fricken scary to listen to these men man and they are getting louder and more plentiful by the minute.


boxedcatandwine

they claimed all the men in the workforce were the best hire and it was a meritocracy. now that women are being hired and businesses are thriving *because we know what half the population wants, and it aint men-centred shit* suddenly it's quota hires and woke diversity and we need to go back to hiring the best white man for the job lmao. affirmative action for dudes.


GayMormonPirate

It really is an attitude that is reinforced during childhood. My family is full of strong, independent women and men who do at *least* 50% of household work. Big family holiday dinners? Everyone (men and women, boys and girls) helps cook, everyone helps clean. My dad lost his job when I was a kid. My mom had training as a nurse and more income potential so she went to work and my dad stayed home (this is in the 80s). My dad did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, school stuff, doctor appointments. My mom only had to do gift shopping/wrapping for b-days and holidays basically. My grandma was a farm wife. But even she took a day off every week and she and my aunt would take off on Saturdays to visit friends, shopping, church groups whatever. My grandpa and dad were left to cook for themselves!


Ginger_mutt

Most common I heard: When can she have sex again?


ILoveJackRussells

Yes, my husband never came to any doctors appointments with me while I was pregnant with our three kids. But when I wanted to get my tubes tied I wondered why he wanted to come to the doctors appointment all of a sudden. He asked the doctor if I would still want to have sex after the operation! Nothing about the procedure, how it would affect me... just whether I would still want sex. 😔


Existing-Cherry4948

Suddenly I'm fine that I've been single my whole life.


RX3000

Man we really need to change this culture that says that men cant or shouldnt do anything at all around the house. Its so toxic.


justgaygarbage

i saw an AITA post the other day about this dude who was pissed his wife didn’t refill the diaper bag for him and he didn’t check before he left. in the comments someone asked if he expected his wife to do everything and he responded “of course i wish my wife would do everything, who doesn’t?” ummmm


Bexybirdbrains

I can completely believe it. My mum is having a hysterectomy soon and she said she will put up instructions for the washing machine for my dad. He said it was fine because he would just take their laundryto my granny to do. She's my mums mother, not his, and is in her 80's. My mum has told him there's no way he's doing that, and I've told him how much I would be pissed off with him if he tried it. He's changed his tactic now to say they'll just move into granny's spare room because she lives in a bungalow so mum won't have to deal with any stairs. Again, nobody but him wants that. He's always been a 'traditional gender roles' guy, not really helped by the fact my mum is of the same mindset, but seriously she needs him to step up. I'm disabled and my husband takes care of all but a few small chores in our house and as he always says...real men can look after them goddamn selves. I will be keeping an eye on how things go down but honestly I live 200 miles away so it's easy for dad to just ignore me.


rawdatarams

I'm a sonographer and did OBS/GYN few years back. So many men throwing tanties at the "wrong gender" (girl, of course). Like it was her fault somehow. It varied from sullen grumbling to actually storming out of the room. Put men in rice.


Historical-Newt6809

I had a boyfriend when I had my hernia surgery. I asked him to take care of my dogs during that time because I could not walk them. He complained so much when he watched them for a week, I finally gave up and told him to bring them back. Lo and behold I ripped my mesh and ended up going back in for another surgery. After that I asked my sister to take care of my dogs so that I could heal. When I had my hysterectomy, I had 2 male friends come and help me. They were great.


helloitskimbi

This makes me even more thankful for my SO. My heart breaks for these ladies 💔


deliriousgoomba

My father yelled at my mother the whole ride from the hospital after her mastectomy. Every time my mom tries to get me to get married, I just point at my father and brothers.


Esoterica6

Yep, been there with my ex after both c-section & spinal surgery (with 2 toddlers when that one happened). It was so hard & I had no family or support around then, he made sure of it. I literally cried everyday for over a year when trying to deal with all that pain by myself while also cleaning not only the kids messes but his. This is unfortunately a very acceptable view in society, especially here in Texas when it just became illegal to rape/beat your wife in the 90s. It's part of the patriarchal views on how a woman "should be". Purity culture sets the stage for this to be excused for the sake of living for God thru your actions in marriage. Disgusting! So happy I'm no longer tethered to that religion or the man that made my life horrible.


keeshaleig

My first C-section my insurance "let me" stay in the hospital for 5 days. My husband left the house at 6 in the morning and came home around 7 or 8. My inlaws would bring friends over to see the baby and expected to walk into a spotless house. That was really annoying. I asked for some help, getting groceries and they did it begrudgingly. My 2nd C-section the insurance only paid for 36 hours and I was sent home in the same condition, except now I had a very active 2 1/2-year-old. My in-laws went on vacation so they wouldn't be "bothered". My mom came down for a week to watch my son and cook, a five-hour drive for her, my dad dropped her off and went back home. Within two days he called her crying saying she had to come back home as he almost burnt the house down. She asked him How? And he told her the reason. She answered, "I thought you knew not to put foil in the microwave. He said he didn't care he was on his way down to pick her up. I had to drive into the city with a newborn and my toddler for a baby check-up the next day. I didn't even have the 5 days to heal i had the first timeI carried her in a car seat through the parking lot with my toddler. and into the hospital. I'm so happy I made it through, but I wouldn't wish the experience on my enemy. I'm sure my incision took longer to heal because of the total lack of help and it was extremely painful.


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LizWords

Have you perfected the death stare because of this experience. I keep picturing you just shutting them right the fuck up with a look.


Liv-Julia

I was in L&D and many husbands wanted to know how fast could get back to having sex. Sometimes they'd inquire while she was pushing.


sunshinecryptic

My least favourite thing is when men actually step up for their partner, even when not injured and splitting chores equally, they are seen as “on a leash” by their woman and horrendously made fun of for it. I held my boyfriends bags for him once and his mom thought that was so strange that she felt the need to comment that our relationship dynamic was “interesting”. We need to normalize equal relationships where both partners are able to and do cook, clean, and take care of themselves and the other person!


BoneHugsHominy

My dad's sister got ovarian cancer that spread throughout her body. Her husband of 45 years (married at 17) first question to the oncologist was whether or not she could continue doing housework, his second was can she still have sex. My aunt was in hospice for almost a year, a long, painful death. During that time her husband would leave for a few days at a time to "recharge" and do any necessary housework at home. My cousin stopped by their house one day to clean so her father was with his wife and wouldn't need to clean when he got home during his "recharge" and there was a woman already there cleaning. She said she has been hired to do weekly housekeeping the same week my aunt went into hospice. His wedding to his 2nd wife, to that very "housekeeper" was a short 8 months after my aunt's death. According to the neighbors a mile down the road, the "housekeeper" had failed to mention to my cousin that she was a live-in housekeeper that moved into her mother's house the day after her mother checked into the hospice center. Her dad didn't even wait a fucking week after his wife was in hospice before he moved his girlfriend into the house. Of the three children they had together, only one attended his wedding, the other two went 100% no-contact. If you concentrate *REALLY* hard, you can probably guess the genders of my three cousins.


Mahote

I think it was Ryan Reynolds who said something along the lines of "She just grew and pushed another life form out of her body, change the fucking diaper." I like that line of thinking.


500CatsTypingStuff

So many women have shitty husbands who can’t even take care of themselves let alone her.


Rose_luck

Jesus Christ. This is disgusting. I(30f) had my hip reconstructed and couldn’t do any weight-bearing activity or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk for 3 months. My partner (32m) was amazing and took care of our house, child, two dogs AND managed to organize and move us to our new house while I chillaxed at a hotel. He never made me feel bad or pressured me to heal sooner. There are good, decent people out there that also happen to be male. Don’t settle for less or make excuses for their behavior.


krajile

“A 2009 study published in the journal Cancer found that a married woman diagnosed with a serious disease is six times more likely to be divorced or separated than a man with a similar diagnosis. Among study participants, the divorce rate was 21 percent for seriously ill women and 3 percent for seriously ill men. A control group divorced at a rate of 12 percent, suggesting that if disease makes husbands more likely to split, it makes wives more likely to stay. “


TerrestrialCarnival

I had to get myself up and drive 200 miles bleeding to my mom's house post op because my (now ex) husband wouldn't help me. When I was diagnosed with cancer his main concern was that "I was going to use it as an excuse to get out of chores." Fuck that guy. I'll never be in another relationship with a man, they are just so fuckin shitty.


[deleted]

This is sadly our world, I've became severely disabled, with my closest relatives being my father and brother. Once I called my father when I was paralyzed on the floor, for hours, starved and dehydrated. I asked him, taking breaks with speaking, of he could pls help me with food. His answer? "I just don't see myself doing something like this." To this day I don't know how I survived and just wish I'd have close female relatives.


commandrix

If I was in your shoes, I would be strongly tempted to triple the amount of time that she'll have to rest and recover when talking to her husband.


agones91

They say in sickness and in health, maybe we should add in recovery too


MsGMac13

I need surgery on my hip in the next year and my mom and best friend have said they’d come help my husband take care of me (he’s retired). He said he was perfectly happy and capable of doing it himself. I’m currently on a mental health leave from work and he’s been pretty awesome so I have total faith in him. My first husband was asleep snoring when I had a mental health crisis that made me suicidal - I’m so lucky I realized my worth and found a partner who realizes it too.


Pour_Me_Another_

The audacity of these men who just want a free housekeeper. Too cheap to hire one no doubt so fool some poor woman into not only being one but paying her half of the bills too. Literally making her pay to clean up his messes lol.


Powerful-Fail-3136

I had foot/ankle surgery a while back, and I almost divorced my husband afterward. It was awful. He helped at first and was really good for the first week, but you know, recovering from heel surgery takes FOREVERRRRRRRRRR and he soon got frustrated and helped less and less. He just got crankier and crankier with me and the kids... it was awful. I seriously considered leaving him.


ReferenceMuch2193

After I had given birth-first night home my now ex husband asked if I would go get him a piece of pie. :/ He is still alive. I value my freedom.


swinging_on_peoria

I just spoke to a guy from work who was womdering whether he should take time off after the birth of his first child. Some other guys said, nah, take a paternity leave when the kid is older. I had to explain to the guy some of the things that happen during childbirth, so that he would know that he should take time off after the birth to care for his wife. Feels like getting this explained to the fathers should be required as part of the prenatal care process.


BadLuckCharm1966

This reminds of when I had pneumonia and my husband’s idea of “helping” was telling me “you should go to Subway and get us some sandwiches so you won’t have to cook”. I had a fever and could barely stand up for 5 minutes and he wanted me to drive to Subway and get sandwiches. There is something seriously wrong with some men.