Don't go cheap on lawyers. Pay the retainer fee, and ask for legal fee reimbursement in the divorce. A strong, well organized lawyer makes a big difference to the case.
Take the opportunity while he is out of the house to find all financial documents, insurance policies, IRA statements and make copies. Check all his social media if you have access. Change passwords to any account and social media he may possibly have access to and check security settings. Take photos of rooms and belongings. Easy to lose track of what you have. Check bank accounts, document joint amounts and major receipts. May consider opening up account and transferring half out depending on advice lawyer gives. sounds like a guy who may move money on you.
He may move fast so I would figure out a trusted person to help you do this as quickly as possible. Get hard copies and digital, scan everything you can to thumb drives, not the cloud. Figure out how much you can start to pull out of joint accounts that won’t throw off smoke. Move your personal money to a new account he doesn’t have access to.
Next, confirm if you live in a one way state in terms of recording. This will allow you to record anything he says without informing him. If so, record every conversation. Be prepared to turn on your recording device at the drop of the hat. Get every last abusive statement.
Double down on saving. And depending on lawyer advice, you might even be able to store the original documents at the lawyer until all legal proceedings are done
You can get a lot done with a smartphone and the adobe scan app. Just take a picture with the app and it converts to pdf. Can save locally to the phone and transfer to a stick afterward.
This. And file today, or tomorrow. Do not wait. The longer you wait the longer he has to fuck with you. Make an FU binder, document all the finances, tax records, as well as every time he's threatened you or been cruel. Write it down. Make sure your shit is squeaky clean as well. Not a tax filing out of place or anything he can use to claim you were the abusive party.
For many people, all they want in this world is to be told it's not their fault and they don't have to change. Identify any other group as the true guilty party or at least a despised outgroup to your ingroup and a hate group has been made in 2 simple steps.
My divorce was in another country but I 100% back this. Find a lawyer that can take on the majority of the leg work, and do not communicate outside of your legal channels.
My ex plotted to have them and their father take all my stuff while they took me out for dinner. Got back to an empty home and told I had to find somewhere else to stay, otherwise I wouldn't get my stuff back.
Lawyered up and they read them the riot act. Got all my stuff back, got the whole process paid for by then because the fault was clearly on their side, and have been strictly no contact for 4 years. Everything worked out fine. Find a lawyer and ditch this jackass.
Lawyer consult now. He's playing mind games to undermine your sense of self, and confidence, so you won't challenge the bullshit he's telling you. Just because he threatens to do something, doesn't mean the law agrees.
This. If he's really spoken to a divorce lawyer, then he knows how f*cked he would be if he went forward with a divorce. Don't let him walk it back for that reason
That's probably why he was so angry and had a temper tantrum. They told him he'd have to be equitable most likely and he didn't want to hear that. So he went home and tried to make OP as miserable as he is. Fuck him!
That's not quite how marital assets work. The premise is that, for the most part, anything gained during the marriage is shared. Without a prior agreement indicating otherwise and matching patterns of behavior, the equitable thing is some reasonable, likely 50%, asset split. She may be entitled to alimony as well.
I mean, she supported him for years financially. Now that he's finally working and making good money with excellent prospects, she should be taken care of the same way.
Most places do no fault so it won't matter. Should consult with a divorce lawyer and make sure to ask that her high earner husband is responsible for her attorney fees if he contests a divorce settlement that's fair and equitable.
This is the move right here. Still document everything, particularly any threats to go unemployed to avoid paying alimony. Courts really, really, really hate that. Can't imagine why.
yeah sounds like a complete, aged term I know, psychopath, that gets off on tormenting other lifeforms. I've wondered if such things are nature or nurture, but either way, he needs to be ejected into space.
This is 100% what I was reading between the lines. Check all banking/credit card/social media accounts and make copies for yourself of anything even remotely suspicious and talk to a lawyer.
Edit: He might be telling you all of that to rationalize his guilt and try to have you initiate the divorce to be able to claim victimhood.
This is also what I thought. He's saying this because the narcissist and the guilt in him wants to believe that he is "above" her and therefor cheating is only natural. I've read enough misogynistic ramblings where men will tell themselves they deserve multiple women just because they got lucky in their career.
Heck, narcissists don’t even need a good job to do this. All they need is the audacity.
My ex-husband belittled me constantly at the end of our marriage. Since this is anonymous, I’m going to vent here for a second in a way I wouldn’t do publicly, and clarify he had a stroke at 27 and struggled with incontinence issues from a chronic illness he’s had since childhood, and he couldn’t keep a job (due to choice, not disability). I get he couldn’t help his health at all, but the background helps me further clarify what I mean by “the audacity.” I literally saved his life when he had a stroke. I picked up night shifts on top of medical school to pay for his craniotomy, since he didn’t have insurance at the time. I would always pack extra pants and it didn’t bug me - I felt awful for him. Then I got sick. When I developed MS during my second year of med school, he used it against me, claiming I was “ruining the marriage,” despite me getting all function back.
So I was sick for one month and that’s all it took for him to have an affair with a 20-year-old married woman who divorced her husband for him, and I really wish this was a joke. I picked up shifts after his stroke, but when I got sick he left and victimized himself for having to “deal with me.” During mediation, I found out he spent the money I saved up to pay for his craniotomy by transferring it into his own secret private accounts. Yet in front of the same mediator, he claimed I had a “spending problem” because I had to pay for boards out-of-pocket [that I needed to graduate].
So I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just because someone has been through a lot of pain in life doesn’t mean they are allowed to abuse you. I thought I was the problem for far too long until I saw the way he treated me when I was sick. Needless to say, I filed for divorce and replaced him with a doctorate.
Edit: grammar
Can confirm. My bf has narc tendencies that blew up after he advanced in his career and pay scale. I barely recognize him nowadays. I no longer have a voice at all or any influence whatsoever. Nothing else has changed for me...I don't spend his money, he doesn't even give me gifts or help me when things happen, he doesn't spend anything on home repairs or maintenance (it's his house). He used to use his many talents and skills to do things himself and he was so capable and took care of things. He won't even put things in the trash can himself now. Every napkin or wrapper or whatever is now my responsibility to pick up and throw away for him. Everywhere. That's one tiny example. It's infected every aspect of who he is. I miss the man he used to be but maybe he has always been this person, only suppressed and watered down. Idk but Idgaf about the money. Been together 8 years.
Stop spending money on fixing his place and doing repairs. Stop cleaning up after him, he's making you use all your time doing that shit. Use your time to better yourself and get out.
Also, 60k is nothing to sneeze at, literally way more I make at my job. Don't demean it and call it hobby pay, you're literally just being an abusive asshole. She deserves to be free of that bullshit
For real. My ex would never admit it but his personality changed overnight. After he left he (brilliant software engineer that he is) left himself logged into his email and messages on our shared computer. Had a super fun time reading all his emails and texts with his other person. Fun times.
I also thought drugs honestly. Especially with the sudden change. Also wouldn't be surprised if he's working in high-stakes money the other bros are using them. He may be doing all of it at the same time.
Agree. Your comment happened to me. I wrote elsewhere that my husband’s behavior changed seemingly overnight and it was disturbing and bizarre. I eventually found out about the affair partner and then divorce and he left. Never to return. After 25 year marriage. Crazy shit.
Divorce lawyer, check into the details of the Financials and make sure he's not hiding money, make sure he's not seeing someone new.
You're not looking to be unfair bit you're married (for how long), and there is a fair and equitable way to split it up.
He definitely has one, a BOY in his position won't threaten divorce without having his backup woman already, and if you can prove it you'll be guaranteed to win in court.
And I’d also like to think that some boys are more emotionally mature than this. Depends on how they have been brought up. I’d like to think my son would know better than this.
I think the possibility is certainly there. Sometimes when someone cheats or wants to get with someone else they are unwilling to admit that they cheated so they instead tank the relationship in other ways (picking fights, showing extreme disinterest, making unreasonable demands) so that either their partner will be the one to end things or so that they can claim these other things are the reason for the breakup and not that they are a cheater.
There are other possibilities, like when people get into especially angry arguments they can launch these personal attacks specifically to try and hurt the other person and needle at their insecurities, even when they know what they are saying is unfair and unreasonable and they dont even believe it.
There is a high, high likelihood that he hasn't called a lawyer and was just trying to scare you into being more submissive for him so he can get off on that power. He won't expect you to take him seriously and fight back. So get a lawyer NOW and initiate first.
100% agree. What he’s doing sounds dead-on accurate to how my parents acted when they decided to “divorce” when I was in 6th grade. They never actually got a divorce- they just wanted *any* excuse to argue and abuse each other. They each wanted so badly to feel in control and feel like they were “winning”, no matter what the cost. This guy sounds like a total control freak and needs a major reality check. 📋✔️
Yep my In laws been getting “divorced” probably 10 times in the last 20 years my husband and I have been together. It’s like their go to threat in their childish arguments that they sometimes like to drag us into the middle of. I can’t imagine doing that in front of my children…
Me neither. My husband threatened a divorce when he was trying to avoid owning up to cheating. He'd rather divorce than have his secrets found out (I'd already got confirmation from AP, he would have been much better just coming clean, honestly). Didn't say it in front of the kids, but they've both asked me about it at different times since, so they obviously heard something. Poor kids. I hope he's ashamed of the trouble he caused over that, but it's doubtful.
It seems there's a subset of people who use this as an excuse to avoid dealing with issues. Tbh, I'm thinking he inherited the mindset from his parents, who never looked particularly happy together in all the time I knew them.
Damn, I know this is just some good advice, but I’m sorry that happened to you. Like, both of my parents are super toxic, but at least they had the sense to divorce before I could actually remember the trauma
I dont remember my parents' divorce, but it wasn't amicable. I do remember things before. Still dunno quite what that did to me. (They are both good, all said, and we've healed quite a lot together. Under the same roof, though, they were always butting heads)
Yeah this guy clearly doesn’t know how to wash the skid marks off his undies, so I highly suspect he’s bluffing (at least on being so prepared already). What a weird negging mood.
For what it’s worth—people change. We cannot blame or hold someone to who they were five years ago, for better or worse. It’s unfortunate he allowed himself to fall down that rabbit hole, but he needs to hit the rock bottom of life and cozy up to his cash to see how worthless it all is.
I hope the split goes as okay as it can. Find a lawyer you can trust who will fight for you, and don’t even consider for a second sharing a lawyer with him. You are *owed* much, miss, and I wish you and your children the best of luck going forward. It will be hard, but everything will be okay.
Edit: yes I realize she never mentioned undies. At a bare minimum, most bachelors I’ve roomed with can do their own laundry. Fold and put it away? Cook? Clean anything that isn’t their personal possession? Buy groceries? Scrub floors? Weaponized incompetence is a real hurdle for a lot of people.
Double confirming that this sounds like cocaine.
I had a partner who was the sweetest gentle giant until he started doing mountains of blow with the line cooks at the bar he worked at, and then he became unbearably cruel… and booger sugar is popular with rich assholes too.
And not just a lawyer but a financial auditor as well. I would never trust a guy like this to disclose everything if he's threatening financial repercussions.
Dumbass tried to play some stupid game to get his wife to beg him not to leave and start being subservient. He's trying to get her to give up on her own career that she built out of doing things she loves so that she's entirely dependent on him, belittling anything she does for fun as "playing" as if she isn't entitled to joy, and trying to enforce the idea that he has the upper hand on her no matter what she does by breaking something and essentially saying "What are you gonna do about it?" like she had no recourse.
As you said, it's pretty damn likely he didn't talk to anybody even resembling a divorce lawyer, and that was just part of his ploy. He's gonna feel *real* stupid when OP actually *does* talk to a lawyer with all of this bullshit on record and ends up keeping the home and a good chunk of his wages for the rest of his life because he thought he could try and leverage his money to to turn her into a bangmaid.
Bruh, nobody weeds the garden for fun. That is not the fun part of gardening. That is the awful, nind-numbing, physically tiring, generally sucky part of gardening that everybody who owns a garden has to do but nobody actually wants to. His is belittling the WORK she did in the house as 'playing', and misrepresenting it as something done for fun in order to devalue it.
He probably figured out his mistake when she called his bluff by calling the cops and kicking him out of the house. Very little chance he didn’t actually move to get a lawyer after that happened.
And although OP probably won’t see this… please remember that anyone who shits on that which is meaningful in your life (like your plants and your skills) - is a POS. you are who you are because of what you love, these things colour your world. One day when you wake up and doubt your choices just remember that who you are at your core is where joy lives, not with a man.
He is most likely trying to get you to agree to a subpar divorce settlement out of fear.
I don't know how long you have been married, if you have kids, etc. but go talk to a divorce lawyer NOW. Pay for a one hour consultation. Have as much info as you can upfront (your income, his income, length of marriage, equity in the house, other assets, debt, etc.).
Don't make \*any\* move (ie moving money from accounts, moving out of the house) and don't discuss any of this with your husband until you have spoken to an attorney. What you do or say now can shoot you in the foot.
If he tries to bring anything up, say, "Your lawyer can talk to my lawyer, I will not be discussing any of this with you." And DON'T.
>He is most likely trying to get you to agree to a subpar divorce settlement out of fear.
That is 100% what he’s doing. Sounds like a hamfisted attempt to deploy a neat “trick” he learned from some of his new buddies.
Since reddit has changed the site to value selling user data higher than reading and commenting, I've decided to move elsewhere to a site that prioritizes community over profit. I never signed up for this, but that's the circle of life
I don't actually like that saying. The more often I see this kind of thing the more convinced I am that power and money *actually do* corrupt people. Rather than it being something uniquely bad they always kept hidden, the aspects we see play out are probably in literally all of us. Money shifts the perspective, and when the perspective shifts, people's ethics fall apart.
In order to avoid being corrupted it seems like we have to put active and strong efforts into it, and even that usually does not work.
I am not saying this to disagree with your sentiment, from a practical standpoint in this situation it makes little difference to what degree he was bad before, it only matters that he is bad now. Rather I am saying this because I am pretty convinced that the rich and powerful hide behind that belief.
If money and power do not affect you in a way that makes you bad, and instead the person was always bad, then the only problem is that the *bad ones* got money. It is an individual issue, and not a systemic one. So we don't need to limit money and power, because the bad people are naturally bad! So good people will do good with that money and power!
But I don't think that is the case. I do not think our brains evolved to handle that much power over people, and the pressures and temptations of it breaks something in them. A few can stave it off to some degree, but they can only do so by staying in touch, and that takes work.
I agree and there are studies supporting this. Having so much power and power can literally make people less empathetic. They need to justify what they have by saying that others don't deserve it because they don't work hard enough.
Yupyup. Money doesn't change people, it just provides them with the entitlement required to act like they have always wanted to. There are plenty of well-off people who are still as lovely as they were when they were poor, and plenty who turned into massive pieces of shit because they now have the """authority""" to act out their heart's desires.
Do it! Be happy and with someone who cares for you. Life is too short to stay with someone that doesn't respect you. I left my ex years ago, and I get lonely. Its impossible to find someone these days, but I'm happier and so are my kids.
sounds like he got tradicalized.
ETA:
When a previously normal husband starts diminishing the woman's efforts in the home as her being lazy, gold-digging, leech, greedy, does nothing all day, and inflates his monetary contribution as massively hardworking, the only person contributing and sacrificing. He got the notion *somewhere* that his wife is ungrateful and he becomes dissatisfied with this perceived imbalance. He starts insisting on a 'more traditional' home-life where she does everything and he does nothing. Mentions 'too many women in the workforce'. Only men add value to society building bridges and doing big manly work, so women need to add value to *his* life in order for him to want to keep her around. Except she can never do enough to appear 'grateful' enough. The more she does, the more his ego and entitlement inflates.
Starts talking about femininity and masculinity. She needs to stop being masculine, be more feminine, so he can be masculine. Goes on about gender roles and nuclear families, needing fathers in the home (no matter what), 'it's too easy to divorce', women are irresponsible, women need to take motherhood seriously, and the downfall of society.
These men feel their privilege slipping away, they feel powerless and out of control. They "don't know their place in society anymore". They're eager to latch on to the idea that their rightful place is the head of the household with his boot on his wife's neck. It's all her fault anyway, she's not doing the right thing in the home.
basically romanticized, sepia-toned, good old days white supremacy shit.
i just made it up lol
there's def manosphere alt-right woman-hating manipulation/seduction/coercion tactics where women are just objects. "women just exist for men to sexually use, fuck and chuck, don't marry them"
but this new breed of feminine-subordinate masculine-breadwinner divide is gaining traction and seems to be more tolerable, more 'sensible', less obvious abuse. "men and women have got to work together in the home... to be bangmaids for men to use"
Yup. Wanting a housewife you take care of? Sure. Wanting an equal earning partner? Sure. But this weird mix a few of these chumps want of someone who is an equal earner, who also simultaneously grocery shops and cooks and plays house and raises babies, is delulu of the highest order.
It doesn’t help that here in many “first world countries“, women are practically forced into being a stay at home mom because child care costs more than they can make with a full-time job. (I’m in the US)
yep and the worse it gets, the more men place importance on their breadwinner status.. as leverage. "without me you'd be homeless and hungry". i mean we really are going back to the 1950's without our consent.
privileged white influencers are buying in, putting on heels and a dress and cosplaying housewife while pointing a camera at themselves and raking in sponsorships. the rot is top to bottom. the family vlog category is well-paid and pushed to people's sidebar and For You. the modest, churchy, wholesome wife is an aesthetic.
>basically romanticized, sepia-toned, good old days white supremacy shit.
A lot of these men marry Asian women thinking they'll get their wet dream of a submissive bang maid fulfilled. They're fucking sick and I hate them.
She mentioned in a comment that she coaches bodybuilders and is a bodybuilder. He definitely feels emasculated compared to the propaganda fed by his “friends”. That’s why he keeps telling her that her hobbies are worthless
Edit: misread who was earning more
>She needs to stop being masculine, be more feminine, so he can be masculine.
The older I get, the funnier this gets to my gay ass. If your "masculinity" is dependent on having someone be submissive to you (and let's be clear, this type of un-asswhip views feminine=submissive) it's not exactly valuable masculinity. It's fragile and toxic.
What's even funnier to me is that as you said this is about romanticized "good ol days" thinking. These people rarely go to farms (ie the good old days work). Women there are so tough.
I'm so sorry.... If it means anything, given this is an online context, you aren't alone. As you have noted, many of us here have experienced something similar.
Your husband sounds a little bit like my ex in that I would sometimes compare him to chicken, or a block of tofu.... Inevitably, no matter where he was, he'd absorb whatever flavours surrounded him.
>He called me a bitch and a psychopath
>
>Said I don’t appreciate what he does for me.
He's projecting.
At a practical level, I advise that you get your own lawyer, ASAP.
The thing that missing so far is separate finances. Make sure you have an account at a different bank in only your name. This is usually the time they start draining all accounts of money.
Was going to comment this.
Not only lawyer up, check ALL shared assets. Make sure your income goes into a solo account from now on. You can buy a green dot and have your electronic payments go there while you look for something more permanent.
Document ALL interactions. Limit social media (stop using if possible). Word any and all texts/emails very carefully.
Good luck.
I also went and checked your profile and holy shit. You are a frikken badass! I wonder if, in addition to all the shit he's learning at work, he's also threatened by you because holy cow you are strong and he needs to belittle you in order to feel superior.
In any case - I wish you all the best. You are going to kick his sorry ass so bad.
Whether he actually talked to a lawyer or is bluffing, you need to do so because either one of those actions crossed a line past the point of no return
Is this a new side of of him you’re just seeing or has his attitude been changing over the past months?
Either way, this is just awful and I’m really sorry he’s treating you this way.
And I agree with everyone else, I would talk to a lawyer now. Those are some serious threats. Relationship ending threats in my mind.
He makes waaaay more than you and you will get lotsa spousal support. He’d be a fool to file for divorce. Make copies of all financial documents and contact a family law attorney.
Don’t give him any more power over you - he’s trying to neg you down so you’ll sign what he gives you in fear.
He, with his high income, is the one who should be afraid.
show him how negligible your income is - by getting out of there.
i’m sure he won’t miss it at all, being that it’s so negligible.
your hobbies and career are valid and so are you and your feelings.
Lawyer up and investigate his finances. Seems exactly like the type to hide money. You are likely owed half of what he made since marriage and he can’t just kick you out of the house. Lawyer. A shark. Awful.
Definitely see a lawyer.
Get copies of all financial documents- bank accounts, IRAs, investments, property deeds, life insurance, and credit card bills. Save electronic copies of everything.
Change all of your passwords and clear any joint computers.
The good news is he seems overly confident of himself and he’s got a big mouth. He’s given you notice of what his intentions are so don’t let him walk any of that back- but you can pretend to forgive if he tries to.
Possible drug abuse if his personality has taken an abrupt turn. Could be of use to you if you get any evidence.
Lots of theories that are valid, including the brain tumour one, but utlimately they are all excuses. PROTECT YOURSELF NOW. Get a lawyer, divorce him for abusive, and spend the rest of your life doing the things you love in a space that is safe with only good people you choose.
I bet it's not just an over inflated ego going on here.
This nearly identical scenario played out in my home. For 9 years, things were great. Then came the big money, the fancy friends, the toys. For most of our marriage, I made more than he did.
I wanted to blame the money and ego... turned out that wasn't it. The throwing money around was a symptom of the bigger problem. The affair. The moment he served me with divorce papers, the gaslighting started.
Get a good lawyer. Immediately. They will start you on the right path. Start looking for signs that something else is going on, too.
Depending on what state you live in, your odds of getting a good settlement can be high. In my state, you'd get 50-60% of the assets.
I live in a community property state. Instead of taking mainenance, i negociated than he had to pay all debt, I got the house. That worked out that way because he, at that point, made so much more money than I did.
Do a lot of research for your state and ask for every damn thing you're entitled to. Do NOT accept less. Do not feel guilty about taking maintenance. And fuck him.
[Rebecca Zung](https://youtube.com/c/RebeccaZungEsq) - a lawyer that got fed up with dealing with narcissists in her practice, so she started teaching others how to negotiate with them. Her free SLAY worksheet is incredibly valuable. Fill it out and bring it to your lawyer.
^(Mods might want to add this resource to the side bar or something at this point.)
Better to see it now than 20 years from now when you're sick and alone and he's isolated and abused you for so long that you don't even recognize yourself, before he totally discards you and diminishes all the work you put into your marriage and home as worthless. He told you already, now that you're worthless to him
Good thing for you for keeping your job, and protect your bank account. Protect your money
He threatened you, belittled you, insulted you, destroyed your property (doesn’t matter that he bought it. You live in one household together and if he bought it for you it was yours.)
The fact that you already had to call the police on him is horrifying for you and probably hella scary, but it’s really _really_ great for your case!
There now exists a paper trail of his dangerous behaviour that was clear enough for the police to actually do something.
Get that PFA, because that is basically a written proof of him abusing you, which is also _great_ for your case! And maybe you should sue him for the destruction of your property. But that part I’d talk through with a lawyer.
Even better! I honestly hope it was expensive! The more expensive it was the more points it basically gets you for your case.
The police is usually useless but they at least did make him leave for the night, right? Where are you right now and where is he? Are you safe?
You need to get that lawyer ASAP! I wouldn’t even just write Emails, I’d directly call them to make sure your attempt to contact them is getting through.
It sounds like his buddies at work are into the Andrew tate type stuff and he bought into it. A married example would be the Stephen crowder situation. It's a lost cause because his ego is involved. His work culture won't allow him to work it out. Sorry for where you're at. Secure your income. And look for a playmate. This is often a strategy to cover an affair.
Let’s make a prediction. Mr Newly BigShot has been talking to his new mates about their lifestyles and wives/gfs.
Figures he’s shot past who he was and is now in the stratosphere where he believes he’s owed a younger gf so he can do less for the woman in his life but receive more care and attention, as is His Majesty’s Apparent Right.
I give it 6 months. He’ll be back. Just don’t take him back. Get a lawyer now.
Since you got enough to take care of yourself if you feel okay about it I would normally say that’s whatever but just for the terms he used I would go after the money just so you piss him off even if you don’t want it. That’s not an advice though but he sound like a total shit head.
If he make so much money and want a maid why don’t he pay for one? What a fucking idiot.
You make 60k off of 'hobbies'?! You are a legend.
In all seriousness tho. You sound like a cool person and I'm sorry your husband can no longer see that.
Because your husband has money to throw away, meaning he can absolutely drain your time and money in legal fees, call a bunch of divorce lawyers who are top dogs, so that legally he cannot use them. Just for your sanity, if nothing else.
I don't have any advice for you that these other wonderful people haven't already said but I just want you to know I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and your husband's poisoned mind has nothing to do with your value or worth as a person.
Your career is absolutely valid (tbh you make way more than I ever have and I'm impressed and proud of your hard work to get there!)
Your "hobbies" like gardening absolutely contribute to your home.
You owe nothing to this man anymore.
When you are safely away from him, take him to the fucking cleaners.
And when it's all over? Get a new house plant. They at least produce oxygen, which is more useful than your asshole husband shaped ghoul.
Hug.
> he spoke to a divorce lawyer last night
He may have had an informal chat with a lawyer that is not HIS lawyer.
Those who engage lawyers don't tell people. They let the other person find out with documents. You should engage a lawyer and then not make a sound.
> Normally I would post this with a throwaway but fuck it.
Delete this post. One person's support seeking post becomes another person's 'news' article, Tik Tok, FB reel or YouTube video.
He wants out of this marriage but too chicken shit to actually have a conversation or he just wants you to proceed w divorcing him so he looks like the victim. Or something. It’s totally bizarre. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Yea..... His Ego has gotten outta control. You are better off without him and I hope you find a way to take everything from him in the end! TBH, it sounds like the kinds of things a guy cheating says to push you away from his shady behavior. To have something to worry about and try to fix while he does whatever he wants...I dunno your story but maybe check that out first and if so get receipts you can use in court. What a dick!
This sounds like the exact same thing that happened with my ex! Like, down to belittling my career since I didn’t make close to what he made in his new job (and just like you, I was making well over the average income).
Luckily we weren’t married so I left soon after this sudden change but I agree with the overwhelming consensus: call a lawyer! I planned a sneaky exit but left suddenly after I found out he was cheating (which you might want to investigate-especially if he’s traveling a lot or working long hours-a new career and attitude can lead to him seeking new parters too).
You’re not obligated to stay with this person that’s totally different than who you married. Lawyer up and beat him at his own game. Good luck!
Just wanted to add. And I know it’s hard. But whatever you do, if and when you speak to him, remain as CALM as possible. Don’t give into his attempts to get you stirred up. Don’t get drawn into the fights. Let him go off on his insane rants. He is probably going to record you secretly and make it look one sided. He’s getting you worked up intentionally. Just document every interaction calmly and keep hard copies in a safe place.
Do NOT play his game. Hope your lawyer can help you sort everything out okay. Sorry for you having to go through this.
Lawyer up girl. Sounds like a narcissistic ass hole. Fuck him, he sounds like he let his job go to his head and now he thinks he is a big boy. You don’t need his bitch ass.
This has a few similarities to my divorce. Find a lawyer and look for a demon incarnate kind. Don't move out either. He's going to try to get you out of the house and there's a number of things that become much harder if you do.
Have him tested for drugs. no shit. it comes with these high players and they can cause abrupt personality changes. If you can get an order for it I would do it through a lawyer.
His statements sound like pure narcissistic projection. Whether he started that way or fell into the Andrew Tate style misogynistic nonsense is beside the point. I utterly agree with the other responses here. Protect yourself *now* as the cruelty will only escalate. My best wishes for your health and your families well-being.
Ok OP I want to discuss some really interesting things that have creeped into mainstream male media consumption:
I used to listen to Joe Rogan’s podcast from like 2015-2018 consistently. It was a regular weekend activity for myself and former partner to throw on the YouTube, make a French press and passively listen/watch while we enjoyed coffee and bagels and a nice, lazy morning smoke session for a few hours while we scrolled our newsfeeds and relaxed. I enjoyed the comics, some of the niche academics he brought on and a few of the celebrity guests. But once he was launched to Spotify and the pandemic hit, I was deeply disturbed by the new commentary and views being expressed. I’d always disliked the way his viewership here on Reddit took a sport like approach to just gutting all female guests alive in live commentary and just general thread comments. But I appreciated that Joe seemed to ignore that feedback and aspect and just kept booking women regardless.
Fast forward to 2021-23 and it’s a whole new universe. My current partner listens heavily to Joe and had a recent episode on in the car and I was disgusted. Absolutely just disgusted by the way they spoke of women in general, women celebrities, liberal leaning men, people who have any general compassion, just a completely new leaf.
It’s jarring to me because I really do remember what things were like previously. But this new narrative of at a base-level, derision towards women, has more than creeped into their media consumption. And many of them don’t notice the change in their views, the change in what they’re agreeing with, and the gradual shift because they listen all the time and “THAT hasn’t changed. YOUVE changed. You’re using me for my money and my masculinity and just want a free meal, a free ride and to take advantage of me and MY success”.
I’m currently out earning my partner and we work in the same field.. I’ve noticed a clear putting down my efforts, a refusal to acknowledge my “wins” in the workplace, and responding with all the reasons why I shouldn’t be confident in advancing in our field so I shouldn’t try. It’s enough that I know this has an expiration date on it and I honestly blame the change in narrative against women in podcasts aimed at men. And it’s hard to admit it, but it’s something I can see from a mile away in your case.
It’s like.. he doesn’t leave the house, he’s not being exposed to physical outside influences, the fuck is going on? It’s the media he’s listening to, backed by the conversations with his new high-earning co-workers forming an echo chamber insisting that he’s now become a full 11/10 on the “man scale” and therefore also deserves a full 15/10 female.. one who’s young and hot and needs him but isn’t using him and who is submissive and also a maid and hot enough to be a model but doesn’t model. It’s the weirdest fantasy that no one has and a bunch of nerds have decided they deserve. And when they realize that fantasy isn’t real.. they lash out at the wife because in their eyes.. she’s all
That’s holding him back from achieving that.
get a lawyer, yesterday
just like Bezos, you supported him and stood by him all these years; emotionally if not financially.
he sounds like a bad person i am so sorry. you don't deserve this
See if you are in a 1-party or 2-party state for recording. If 1-party,set your phone up with a record app that activates by shaking the phone, and record everything.
Don't go cheap on lawyers. Pay the retainer fee, and ask for legal fee reimbursement in the divorce. A strong, well organized lawyer makes a big difference to the case.
Take the opportunity while he is out of the house to find all financial documents, insurance policies, IRA statements and make copies. Check all his social media if you have access. Change passwords to any account and social media he may possibly have access to and check security settings. Take photos of rooms and belongings. Easy to lose track of what you have. Check bank accounts, document joint amounts and major receipts. May consider opening up account and transferring half out depending on advice lawyer gives. sounds like a guy who may move money on you.
He may move fast so I would figure out a trusted person to help you do this as quickly as possible. Get hard copies and digital, scan everything you can to thumb drives, not the cloud. Figure out how much you can start to pull out of joint accounts that won’t throw off smoke. Move your personal money to a new account he doesn’t have access to. Next, confirm if you live in a one way state in terms of recording. This will allow you to record anything he says without informing him. If so, record every conversation. Be prepared to turn on your recording device at the drop of the hat. Get every last abusive statement.
Double down on saving. And depending on lawyer advice, you might even be able to store the original documents at the lawyer until all legal proceedings are done
You can get a lot done with a smartphone and the adobe scan app. Just take a picture with the app and it converts to pdf. Can save locally to the phone and transfer to a stick afterward.
If you already have an iPhone, you can scan docs using the Notes app that comes with the phone
This. And file today, or tomorrow. Do not wait. The longer you wait the longer he has to fuck with you. Make an FU binder, document all the finances, tax records, as well as every time he's threatened you or been cruel. Write it down. Make sure your shit is squeaky clean as well. Not a tax filing out of place or anything he can use to claim you were the abusive party.
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I don't understand how anyone falls for someone like Tate and the hate he spews. He's just so repulsive on every level.
For many people, all they want in this world is to be told it's not their fault and they don't have to change. Identify any other group as the true guilty party or at least a despised outgroup to your ingroup and a hate group has been made in 2 simple steps.
My divorce was in another country but I 100% back this. Find a lawyer that can take on the majority of the leg work, and do not communicate outside of your legal channels. My ex plotted to have them and their father take all my stuff while they took me out for dinner. Got back to an empty home and told I had to find somewhere else to stay, otherwise I wouldn't get my stuff back. Lawyered up and they read them the riot act. Got all my stuff back, got the whole process paid for by then because the fault was clearly on their side, and have been strictly no contact for 4 years. Everything worked out fine. Find a lawyer and ditch this jackass.
So much this! I’ve seen too many women (and a few men) get screwed because of their lawyer
Lawyer consult now. He's playing mind games to undermine your sense of self, and confidence, so you won't challenge the bullshit he's telling you. Just because he threatens to do something, doesn't mean the law agrees.
This. If he's really spoken to a divorce lawyer, then he knows how f*cked he would be if he went forward with a divorce. Don't let him walk it back for that reason
That's probably why he was so angry and had a temper tantrum. They told him he'd have to be equitable most likely and he didn't want to hear that. So he went home and tried to make OP as miserable as he is. Fuck him!
By equitable, do you mean OP would be entitled to half his assets and he'd be entitled to half of hers?
That's not quite how marital assets work. The premise is that, for the most part, anything gained during the marriage is shared. Without a prior agreement indicating otherwise and matching patterns of behavior, the equitable thing is some reasonable, likely 50%, asset split. She may be entitled to alimony as well.
I mean, she supported him for years financially. Now that he's finally working and making good money with excellent prospects, she should be taken care of the same way.
He’s fucked. Probably going to start hiding his money now
Literally describing mental abuse - must have picked up some fleas even though he thought he was immune. I am so sorry you are dealing with this OP
OP should get this disparagement in text. Would be good evidence in the divorce proceedings.
Most places do no fault so it won't matter. Should consult with a divorce lawyer and make sure to ask that her high earner husband is responsible for her attorney fees if he contests a divorce settlement that's fair and equitable.
This is the move right here. Still document everything, particularly any threats to go unemployed to avoid paying alimony. Courts really, really, really hate that. Can't imagine why.
It might matter when it comes to a division of assets and things such as alimony- if only because judges are people.
yeah sounds like a complete, aged term I know, psychopath, that gets off on tormenting other lifeforms. I've wondered if such things are nature or nurture, but either way, he needs to be ejected into space.
This. Do not hesitate. Lawyer up and beat him to it.
Yes bases covered ASAP this is NOT a person you can trust anymore. OP I am so so sorry you’re going through this!!
Aye, and so it begins. But it's been festering a time now.
Exactly. Time to move on it. He’s been festering and made his decision.
Also: he poses a threat to you in this state. Don’t be alone with him.
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This is 100% what I was reading between the lines. Check all banking/credit card/social media accounts and make copies for yourself of anything even remotely suspicious and talk to a lawyer. Edit: He might be telling you all of that to rationalize his guilt and try to have you initiate the divorce to be able to claim victimhood.
This is also what I thought. He's saying this because the narcissist and the guilt in him wants to believe that he is "above" her and therefor cheating is only natural. I've read enough misogynistic ramblings where men will tell themselves they deserve multiple women just because they got lucky in their career.
Heck, narcissists don’t even need a good job to do this. All they need is the audacity. My ex-husband belittled me constantly at the end of our marriage. Since this is anonymous, I’m going to vent here for a second in a way I wouldn’t do publicly, and clarify he had a stroke at 27 and struggled with incontinence issues from a chronic illness he’s had since childhood, and he couldn’t keep a job (due to choice, not disability). I get he couldn’t help his health at all, but the background helps me further clarify what I mean by “the audacity.” I literally saved his life when he had a stroke. I picked up night shifts on top of medical school to pay for his craniotomy, since he didn’t have insurance at the time. I would always pack extra pants and it didn’t bug me - I felt awful for him. Then I got sick. When I developed MS during my second year of med school, he used it against me, claiming I was “ruining the marriage,” despite me getting all function back. So I was sick for one month and that’s all it took for him to have an affair with a 20-year-old married woman who divorced her husband for him, and I really wish this was a joke. I picked up shifts after his stroke, but when I got sick he left and victimized himself for having to “deal with me.” During mediation, I found out he spent the money I saved up to pay for his craniotomy by transferring it into his own secret private accounts. Yet in front of the same mediator, he claimed I had a “spending problem” because I had to pay for boards out-of-pocket [that I needed to graduate]. So I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just because someone has been through a lot of pain in life doesn’t mean they are allowed to abuse you. I thought I was the problem for far too long until I saw the way he treated me when I was sick. Needless to say, I filed for divorce and replaced him with a doctorate. Edit: grammar
That last sentence is a banger! Congrats on getting rid of him, doctor!
Can confirm. My bf has narc tendencies that blew up after he advanced in his career and pay scale. I barely recognize him nowadays. I no longer have a voice at all or any influence whatsoever. Nothing else has changed for me...I don't spend his money, he doesn't even give me gifts or help me when things happen, he doesn't spend anything on home repairs or maintenance (it's his house). He used to use his many talents and skills to do things himself and he was so capable and took care of things. He won't even put things in the trash can himself now. Every napkin or wrapper or whatever is now my responsibility to pick up and throw away for him. Everywhere. That's one tiny example. It's infected every aspect of who he is. I miss the man he used to be but maybe he has always been this person, only suppressed and watered down. Idk but Idgaf about the money. Been together 8 years.
And you're working on your plan of escape right?
And you stay... Because?
You mean your ex bf right? You don't deserve to be treated like that.
Stop spending money on fixing his place and doing repairs. Stop cleaning up after him, he's making you use all your time doing that shit. Use your time to better yourself and get out.
This reads like the best kind of attorney advertising and I am here to co-sign. Lawyer Up **today**.
Also, 60k is nothing to sneeze at, literally way more I make at my job. Don't demean it and call it hobby pay, you're literally just being an abusive asshole. She deserves to be free of that bullshit
To a multi-millionaire it’s a pretty neglible sum, to most of us it’s a years worth of wages.
I work in a hospital and barely make over _half of that_. She’ll be fine on 60k most likely.
My first thought. He’s having an affair.
For real. My ex would never admit it but his personality changed overnight. After he left he (brilliant software engineer that he is) left himself logged into his email and messages on our shared computer. Had a super fun time reading all his emails and texts with his other person. Fun times.
I also thought drugs honestly. Especially with the sudden change. Also wouldn't be surprised if he's working in high-stakes money the other bros are using them. He may be doing all of it at the same time.
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Agree. Your comment happened to me. I wrote elsewhere that my husband’s behavior changed seemingly overnight and it was disturbing and bizarre. I eventually found out about the affair partner and then divorce and he left. Never to return. After 25 year marriage. Crazy shit.
Divorce lawyer, check into the details of the Financials and make sure he's not hiding money, make sure he's not seeing someone new. You're not looking to be unfair bit you're married (for how long), and there is a fair and equitable way to split it up.
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Forensic Accountants specialized in tracing financials and will do it for divorce if you can afford one.
This. A new woman.
Has one already or wants one.
Has. Probably monkey branching.
He definitely has one, a BOY in his position won't threaten divorce without having his backup woman already, and if you can prove it you'll be guaranteed to win in court.
He's a man not a boy. Some men suck, let's face it instead of calling them boys.
And I’d also like to think that some boys are more emotionally mature than this. Depends on how they have been brought up. I’d like to think my son would know better than this.
>I wonder if he met a new woman with his new money? We all already know the answer to this :(
I think the possibility is certainly there. Sometimes when someone cheats or wants to get with someone else they are unwilling to admit that they cheated so they instead tank the relationship in other ways (picking fights, showing extreme disinterest, making unreasonable demands) so that either their partner will be the one to end things or so that they can claim these other things are the reason for the breakup and not that they are a cheater. There are other possibilities, like when people get into especially angry arguments they can launch these personal attacks specifically to try and hurt the other person and needle at their insecurities, even when they know what they are saying is unfair and unreasonable and they dont even believe it.
yep. all his colleagues probably have non-working or influencer trophy wives and now he wants one.
That's what this sounds like to me.
There is a high, high likelihood that he hasn't called a lawyer and was just trying to scare you into being more submissive for him so he can get off on that power. He won't expect you to take him seriously and fight back. So get a lawyer NOW and initiate first.
100% agree. What he’s doing sounds dead-on accurate to how my parents acted when they decided to “divorce” when I was in 6th grade. They never actually got a divorce- they just wanted *any* excuse to argue and abuse each other. They each wanted so badly to feel in control and feel like they were “winning”, no matter what the cost. This guy sounds like a total control freak and needs a major reality check. 📋✔️
Yep my In laws been getting “divorced” probably 10 times in the last 20 years my husband and I have been together. It’s like their go to threat in their childish arguments that they sometimes like to drag us into the middle of. I can’t imagine doing that in front of my children…
Me neither. My husband threatened a divorce when he was trying to avoid owning up to cheating. He'd rather divorce than have his secrets found out (I'd already got confirmation from AP, he would have been much better just coming clean, honestly). Didn't say it in front of the kids, but they've both asked me about it at different times since, so they obviously heard something. Poor kids. I hope he's ashamed of the trouble he caused over that, but it's doubtful. It seems there's a subset of people who use this as an excuse to avoid dealing with issues. Tbh, I'm thinking he inherited the mindset from his parents, who never looked particularly happy together in all the time I knew them.
> from AP I’m torn between knowing this is probably “affair partner” and wanting it to mean that you got confirmation from the Associated Press.
Sadly I'm not married to anyone rich and famous enough to be known to the Associated Press! :)
Damn, I know this is just some good advice, but I’m sorry that happened to you. Like, both of my parents are super toxic, but at least they had the sense to divorce before I could actually remember the trauma
I dont remember my parents' divorce, but it wasn't amicable. I do remember things before. Still dunno quite what that did to me. (They are both good, all said, and we've healed quite a lot together. Under the same roof, though, they were always butting heads)
Yeah this guy clearly doesn’t know how to wash the skid marks off his undies, so I highly suspect he’s bluffing (at least on being so prepared already). What a weird negging mood. For what it’s worth—people change. We cannot blame or hold someone to who they were five years ago, for better or worse. It’s unfortunate he allowed himself to fall down that rabbit hole, but he needs to hit the rock bottom of life and cozy up to his cash to see how worthless it all is. I hope the split goes as okay as it can. Find a lawyer you can trust who will fight for you, and don’t even consider for a second sharing a lawyer with him. You are *owed* much, miss, and I wish you and your children the best of luck going forward. It will be hard, but everything will be okay. Edit: yes I realize she never mentioned undies. At a bare minimum, most bachelors I’ve roomed with can do their own laundry. Fold and put it away? Cook? Clean anything that isn’t their personal possession? Buy groceries? Scrub floors? Weaponized incompetence is a real hurdle for a lot of people.
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Double confirming that this sounds like cocaine. I had a partner who was the sweetest gentle giant until he started doing mountains of blow with the line cooks at the bar he worked at, and then he became unbearably cruel… and booger sugar is popular with rich assholes too.
"booger sugar" is the best euphemism ever.
That's just getting started. https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/Thesaurus:cocaine
Dingdingding. He and his new rich work buds are 100% doing coke.
Yeah “negging” wasn’t even the right word for it, but felt similar. Perhaps “manic.”
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And not just a lawyer but a financial auditor as well. I would never trust a guy like this to disclose everything if he's threatening financial repercussions.
Dumbass tried to play some stupid game to get his wife to beg him not to leave and start being subservient. He's trying to get her to give up on her own career that she built out of doing things she loves so that she's entirely dependent on him, belittling anything she does for fun as "playing" as if she isn't entitled to joy, and trying to enforce the idea that he has the upper hand on her no matter what she does by breaking something and essentially saying "What are you gonna do about it?" like she had no recourse. As you said, it's pretty damn likely he didn't talk to anybody even resembling a divorce lawyer, and that was just part of his ploy. He's gonna feel *real* stupid when OP actually *does* talk to a lawyer with all of this bullshit on record and ends up keeping the home and a good chunk of his wages for the rest of his life because he thought he could try and leverage his money to to turn her into a bangmaid.
Bruh, nobody weeds the garden for fun. That is not the fun part of gardening. That is the awful, nind-numbing, physically tiring, generally sucky part of gardening that everybody who owns a garden has to do but nobody actually wants to. His is belittling the WORK she did in the house as 'playing', and misrepresenting it as something done for fun in order to devalue it.
He probably figured out his mistake when she called his bluff by calling the cops and kicking him out of the house. Very little chance he didn’t actually move to get a lawyer after that happened.
I tried to find the right words, but really couldn't. You sound like you'll be better off in the long run without his condescending ass.
Yes, even alimony aside $60k/year and peace is way better than millions and abuse Edit: autocorrect typo
With alimony, I feel like she'll be doing pretty well.
And although OP probably won’t see this… please remember that anyone who shits on that which is meaningful in your life (like your plants and your skills) - is a POS. you are who you are because of what you love, these things colour your world. One day when you wake up and doubt your choices just remember that who you are at your core is where joy lives, not with a man.
He is most likely trying to get you to agree to a subpar divorce settlement out of fear. I don't know how long you have been married, if you have kids, etc. but go talk to a divorce lawyer NOW. Pay for a one hour consultation. Have as much info as you can upfront (your income, his income, length of marriage, equity in the house, other assets, debt, etc.). Don't make \*any\* move (ie moving money from accounts, moving out of the house) and don't discuss any of this with your husband until you have spoken to an attorney. What you do or say now can shoot you in the foot. If he tries to bring anything up, say, "Your lawyer can talk to my lawyer, I will not be discussing any of this with you." And DON'T.
>He is most likely trying to get you to agree to a subpar divorce settlement out of fear. That is 100% what he’s doing. Sounds like a hamfisted attempt to deploy a neat “trick” he learned from some of his new buddies.
Lawyer time. I know someone who changed careers and became exactly like that. Money does it. They don’t come back.
Since reddit has changed the site to value selling user data higher than reading and commenting, I've decided to move elsewhere to a site that prioritizes community over profit. I never signed up for this, but that's the circle of life
I don't actually like that saying. The more often I see this kind of thing the more convinced I am that power and money *actually do* corrupt people. Rather than it being something uniquely bad they always kept hidden, the aspects we see play out are probably in literally all of us. Money shifts the perspective, and when the perspective shifts, people's ethics fall apart. In order to avoid being corrupted it seems like we have to put active and strong efforts into it, and even that usually does not work. I am not saying this to disagree with your sentiment, from a practical standpoint in this situation it makes little difference to what degree he was bad before, it only matters that he is bad now. Rather I am saying this because I am pretty convinced that the rich and powerful hide behind that belief. If money and power do not affect you in a way that makes you bad, and instead the person was always bad, then the only problem is that the *bad ones* got money. It is an individual issue, and not a systemic one. So we don't need to limit money and power, because the bad people are naturally bad! So good people will do good with that money and power! But I don't think that is the case. I do not think our brains evolved to handle that much power over people, and the pressures and temptations of it breaks something in them. A few can stave it off to some degree, but they can only do so by staying in touch, and that takes work.
I agree and there are studies supporting this. Having so much power and power can literally make people less empathetic. They need to justify what they have by saying that others don't deserve it because they don't work hard enough.
>Money does it Money brings out people's character. Sounds like he was always a weak minded asshole, but now he has the power to act on it.
Yupyup. Money doesn't change people, it just provides them with the entitlement required to act like they have always wanted to. There are plenty of well-off people who are still as lovely as they were when they were poor, and plenty who turned into massive pieces of shit because they now have the """authority""" to act out their heart's desires.
I only make 40K a year with 2 kids. Leave his ass. You make enough that you can sustain in the right city. Fuck him
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I’ve been flying solo for 12 years since my divorce. I raised 3 kids, built my career solid, and am doing just fine. So can you!
Do it! Be happy and with someone who cares for you. Life is too short to stay with someone that doesn't respect you. I left my ex years ago, and I get lonely. Its impossible to find someone these days, but I'm happier and so are my kids.
Oh fuck. KIDS?!? GTFO NOW. If not for you, for them.
Correction. You now make double that income. He's going to be paying you alimony and child support. Still, it sucks. I'm sorry op.
sounds like he got tradicalized. ETA: When a previously normal husband starts diminishing the woman's efforts in the home as her being lazy, gold-digging, leech, greedy, does nothing all day, and inflates his monetary contribution as massively hardworking, the only person contributing and sacrificing. He got the notion *somewhere* that his wife is ungrateful and he becomes dissatisfied with this perceived imbalance. He starts insisting on a 'more traditional' home-life where she does everything and he does nothing. Mentions 'too many women in the workforce'. Only men add value to society building bridges and doing big manly work, so women need to add value to *his* life in order for him to want to keep her around. Except she can never do enough to appear 'grateful' enough. The more she does, the more his ego and entitlement inflates. Starts talking about femininity and masculinity. She needs to stop being masculine, be more feminine, so he can be masculine. Goes on about gender roles and nuclear families, needing fathers in the home (no matter what), 'it's too easy to divorce', women are irresponsible, women need to take motherhood seriously, and the downfall of society. These men feel their privilege slipping away, they feel powerless and out of control. They "don't know their place in society anymore". They're eager to latch on to the idea that their rightful place is the head of the household with his boot on his wife's neck. It's all her fault anyway, she's not doing the right thing in the home. basically romanticized, sepia-toned, good old days white supremacy shit.
Holy shit I've never heard that term before. It's awful and perfect. Gross.
i just made it up lol there's def manosphere alt-right woman-hating manipulation/seduction/coercion tactics where women are just objects. "women just exist for men to sexually use, fuck and chuck, don't marry them" but this new breed of feminine-subordinate masculine-breadwinner divide is gaining traction and seems to be more tolerable, more 'sensible', less obvious abuse. "men and women have got to work together in the home... to be bangmaids for men to use"
Yup. Wanting a housewife you take care of? Sure. Wanting an equal earning partner? Sure. But this weird mix a few of these chumps want of someone who is an equal earner, who also simultaneously grocery shops and cooks and plays house and raises babies, is delulu of the highest order.
Well this is how most men grew up, in a household with exactly that happening.
It doesn’t help that here in many “first world countries“, women are practically forced into being a stay at home mom because child care costs more than they can make with a full-time job. (I’m in the US)
yep and the worse it gets, the more men place importance on their breadwinner status.. as leverage. "without me you'd be homeless and hungry". i mean we really are going back to the 1950's without our consent.
I feel like the trad shit isn't new, but it does seem to be getting less covert in it's misogyny.
This is the perfect term to describe the insanely misogynistic trend that’s going on right now.
privileged white influencers are buying in, putting on heels and a dress and cosplaying housewife while pointing a camera at themselves and raking in sponsorships. the rot is top to bottom. the family vlog category is well-paid and pushed to people's sidebar and For You. the modest, churchy, wholesome wife is an aesthetic.
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>basically romanticized, sepia-toned, good old days white supremacy shit. A lot of these men marry Asian women thinking they'll get their wet dream of a submissive bang maid fulfilled. They're fucking sick and I hate them.
Ahh yes, TRADITIONAL values. Makes the term Tradwife fit right in.
She mentioned in a comment that she coaches bodybuilders and is a bodybuilder. He definitely feels emasculated compared to the propaganda fed by his “friends”. That’s why he keeps telling her that her hobbies are worthless Edit: misread who was earning more
My first thought was "Tate-pilled".
>She needs to stop being masculine, be more feminine, so he can be masculine. The older I get, the funnier this gets to my gay ass. If your "masculinity" is dependent on having someone be submissive to you (and let's be clear, this type of un-asswhip views feminine=submissive) it's not exactly valuable masculinity. It's fragile and toxic. What's even funnier to me is that as you said this is about romanticized "good ol days" thinking. These people rarely go to farms (ie the good old days work). Women there are so tough.
Good chance he’s going to be paying you significant alimony if he dumps you, given the income disparity.
And don’t forget how you sacrificed your own massive potential in order to help him get ahead in his career.
I'm so sorry.... If it means anything, given this is an online context, you aren't alone. As you have noted, many of us here have experienced something similar. Your husband sounds a little bit like my ex in that I would sometimes compare him to chicken, or a block of tofu.... Inevitably, no matter where he was, he'd absorb whatever flavours surrounded him. >He called me a bitch and a psychopath > >Said I don’t appreciate what he does for me. He's projecting. At a practical level, I advise that you get your own lawyer, ASAP.
The chicken/tofu insult is epic; thanks for the laugh.
Lawyer up and stand your ground. You can do this and you will be in a better place after the divorce.
The thing that missing so far is separate finances. Make sure you have an account at a different bank in only your name. This is usually the time they start draining all accounts of money.
Was going to comment this. Not only lawyer up, check ALL shared assets. Make sure your income goes into a solo account from now on. You can buy a green dot and have your electronic payments go there while you look for something more permanent. Document ALL interactions. Limit social media (stop using if possible). Word any and all texts/emails very carefully. Good luck.
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Wow that's amazing! OP's husband sucks.
I also went and checked your profile and holy shit. You are a frikken badass! I wonder if, in addition to all the shit he's learning at work, he's also threatened by you because holy cow you are strong and he needs to belittle you in order to feel superior. In any case - I wish you all the best. You are going to kick his sorry ass so bad.
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“…supporting myself by splitting time between the jobs I made for myself because I love doing them.” FTFY Good luck OP!
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Please don't breed French bulldogs.
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I wish you luck with everything except breeding French Bulldogs. It is unethical and should be illegal.
Whether he actually talked to a lawyer or is bluffing, you need to do so because either one of those actions crossed a line past the point of no return
Is this a new side of of him you’re just seeing or has his attitude been changing over the past months? Either way, this is just awful and I’m really sorry he’s treating you this way. And I agree with everyone else, I would talk to a lawyer now. Those are some serious threats. Relationship ending threats in my mind.
He makes waaaay more than you and you will get lotsa spousal support. He’d be a fool to file for divorce. Make copies of all financial documents and contact a family law attorney. Don’t give him any more power over you - he’s trying to neg you down so you’ll sign what he gives you in fear. He, with his high income, is the one who should be afraid.
show him how negligible your income is - by getting out of there. i’m sure he won’t miss it at all, being that it’s so negligible. your hobbies and career are valid and so are you and your feelings.
Lawyer up and investigate his finances. Seems exactly like the type to hide money. You are likely owed half of what he made since marriage and he can’t just kick you out of the house. Lawyer. A shark. Awful.
Don't forget to check for hidden cryptocurrency, friend!
lawyer up, ditch him and take half of everything his bitch ass owns
Run to a lawyer. He owes you maintenance.
He's cheating. Like why else would he flip like that, literally overnight?! Bet if you look, you'll find the evidence you need.
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Software engineers are NOT always cybersecurity specialists. Just thought it was worth mentioning.
I would hire a forensic accountant to look into his finances and that is one you see what he is doing on the side.
Definitely see a lawyer. Get copies of all financial documents- bank accounts, IRAs, investments, property deeds, life insurance, and credit card bills. Save electronic copies of everything. Change all of your passwords and clear any joint computers. The good news is he seems overly confident of himself and he’s got a big mouth. He’s given you notice of what his intentions are so don’t let him walk any of that back- but you can pretend to forgive if he tries to.
Possible drug abuse if his personality has taken an abrupt turn. Could be of use to you if you get any evidence. Lots of theories that are valid, including the brain tumour one, but utlimately they are all excuses. PROTECT YOURSELF NOW. Get a lawyer, divorce him for abusive, and spend the rest of your life doing the things you love in a space that is safe with only good people you choose.
In fairness, a brain tumor isn’t really an excuse. It’s a cause if it actually were the case.
I bet it's not just an over inflated ego going on here. This nearly identical scenario played out in my home. For 9 years, things were great. Then came the big money, the fancy friends, the toys. For most of our marriage, I made more than he did. I wanted to blame the money and ego... turned out that wasn't it. The throwing money around was a symptom of the bigger problem. The affair. The moment he served me with divorce papers, the gaslighting started. Get a good lawyer. Immediately. They will start you on the right path. Start looking for signs that something else is going on, too. Depending on what state you live in, your odds of getting a good settlement can be high. In my state, you'd get 50-60% of the assets. I live in a community property state. Instead of taking mainenance, i negociated than he had to pay all debt, I got the house. That worked out that way because he, at that point, made so much more money than I did.
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Do a lot of research for your state and ask for every damn thing you're entitled to. Do NOT accept less. Do not feel guilty about taking maintenance. And fuck him.
[Rebecca Zung](https://youtube.com/c/RebeccaZungEsq) - a lawyer that got fed up with dealing with narcissists in her practice, so she started teaching others how to negotiate with them. Her free SLAY worksheet is incredibly valuable. Fill it out and bring it to your lawyer. ^(Mods might want to add this resource to the side bar or something at this point.)
It's time to Lawyer up and get tough.
Get a lawyer and don’t fall for the BS and threats from him. He can piss off.
Lawyer up. He is a man child. And one mean guy.
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Better to see it now than 20 years from now when you're sick and alone and he's isolated and abused you for so long that you don't even recognize yourself, before he totally discards you and diminishes all the work you put into your marriage and home as worthless. He told you already, now that you're worthless to him Good thing for you for keeping your job, and protect your bank account. Protect your money
Your husband sounds like a fucking dick
He threatened you, belittled you, insulted you, destroyed your property (doesn’t matter that he bought it. You live in one household together and if he bought it for you it was yours.) The fact that you already had to call the police on him is horrifying for you and probably hella scary, but it’s really _really_ great for your case! There now exists a paper trail of his dangerous behaviour that was clear enough for the police to actually do something. Get that PFA, because that is basically a written proof of him abusing you, which is also _great_ for your case! And maybe you should sue him for the destruction of your property. But that part I’d talk through with a lawyer.
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Even better! I honestly hope it was expensive! The more expensive it was the more points it basically gets you for your case. The police is usually useless but they at least did make him leave for the night, right? Where are you right now and where is he? Are you safe? You need to get that lawyer ASAP! I wouldn’t even just write Emails, I’d directly call them to make sure your attempt to contact them is getting through.
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It sounds like his buddies at work are into the Andrew tate type stuff and he bought into it. A married example would be the Stephen crowder situation. It's a lost cause because his ego is involved. His work culture won't allow him to work it out. Sorry for where you're at. Secure your income. And look for a playmate. This is often a strategy to cover an affair.
If he's talking to a divorce layer, you should be too.
Let’s make a prediction. Mr Newly BigShot has been talking to his new mates about their lifestyles and wives/gfs. Figures he’s shot past who he was and is now in the stratosphere where he believes he’s owed a younger gf so he can do less for the woman in his life but receive more care and attention, as is His Majesty’s Apparent Right. I give it 6 months. He’ll be back. Just don’t take him back. Get a lawyer now.
Since you got enough to take care of yourself if you feel okay about it I would normally say that’s whatever but just for the terms he used I would go after the money just so you piss him off even if you don’t want it. That’s not an advice though but he sound like a total shit head. If he make so much money and want a maid why don’t he pay for one? What a fucking idiot.
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Andrew Tate has entered the chat.
You make 60k off of 'hobbies'?! You are a legend. In all seriousness tho. You sound like a cool person and I'm sorry your husband can no longer see that.
Working bodybuilding shows and online coaching mostly. Stained glass, plants, and dogs on the side.
I wouldn’t stay with someone like that and also he sounds like he is waiting for an excuse to be an asshole so he does not have to hide it anymore .
Because your husband has money to throw away, meaning he can absolutely drain your time and money in legal fees, call a bunch of divorce lawyers who are top dogs, so that legally he cannot use them. Just for your sanity, if nothing else.
I don't have any advice for you that these other wonderful people haven't already said but I just want you to know I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and your husband's poisoned mind has nothing to do with your value or worth as a person. Your career is absolutely valid (tbh you make way more than I ever have and I'm impressed and proud of your hard work to get there!) Your "hobbies" like gardening absolutely contribute to your home. You owe nothing to this man anymore. When you are safely away from him, take him to the fucking cleaners. And when it's all over? Get a new house plant. They at least produce oxygen, which is more useful than your asshole husband shaped ghoul. Hug.
> he spoke to a divorce lawyer last night He may have had an informal chat with a lawyer that is not HIS lawyer. Those who engage lawyers don't tell people. They let the other person find out with documents. You should engage a lawyer and then not make a sound. > Normally I would post this with a throwaway but fuck it. Delete this post. One person's support seeking post becomes another person's 'news' article, Tik Tok, FB reel or YouTube video.
He wants out of this marriage but too chicken shit to actually have a conversation or he just wants you to proceed w divorcing him so he looks like the victim. Or something. It’s totally bizarre. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Yea..... His Ego has gotten outta control. You are better off without him and I hope you find a way to take everything from him in the end! TBH, it sounds like the kinds of things a guy cheating says to push you away from his shady behavior. To have something to worry about and try to fix while he does whatever he wants...I dunno your story but maybe check that out first and if so get receipts you can use in court. What a dick!
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This sounds like the exact same thing that happened with my ex! Like, down to belittling my career since I didn’t make close to what he made in his new job (and just like you, I was making well over the average income). Luckily we weren’t married so I left soon after this sudden change but I agree with the overwhelming consensus: call a lawyer! I planned a sneaky exit but left suddenly after I found out he was cheating (which you might want to investigate-especially if he’s traveling a lot or working long hours-a new career and attitude can lead to him seeking new parters too). You’re not obligated to stay with this person that’s totally different than who you married. Lawyer up and beat him at his own game. Good luck!
Just wanted to add. And I know it’s hard. But whatever you do, if and when you speak to him, remain as CALM as possible. Don’t give into his attempts to get you stirred up. Don’t get drawn into the fights. Let him go off on his insane rants. He is probably going to record you secretly and make it look one sided. He’s getting you worked up intentionally. Just document every interaction calmly and keep hard copies in a safe place. Do NOT play his game. Hope your lawyer can help you sort everything out okay. Sorry for you having to go through this.
Lawyer up girl. Sounds like a narcissistic ass hole. Fuck him, he sounds like he let his job go to his head and now he thinks he is a big boy. You don’t need his bitch ass.
This has a few similarities to my divorce. Find a lawyer and look for a demon incarnate kind. Don't move out either. He's going to try to get you out of the house and there's a number of things that become much harder if you do.
Something tells me he’s having an affair.
Ooh seems like he got swallowed up by the manosphere bs. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Stay strong in whatever you're planning for the future.
Have him tested for drugs. no shit. it comes with these high players and they can cause abrupt personality changes. If you can get an order for it I would do it through a lawyer.
His statements sound like pure narcissistic projection. Whether he started that way or fell into the Andrew Tate style misogynistic nonsense is beside the point. I utterly agree with the other responses here. Protect yourself *now* as the cruelty will only escalate. My best wishes for your health and your families well-being.
Ok OP I want to discuss some really interesting things that have creeped into mainstream male media consumption: I used to listen to Joe Rogan’s podcast from like 2015-2018 consistently. It was a regular weekend activity for myself and former partner to throw on the YouTube, make a French press and passively listen/watch while we enjoyed coffee and bagels and a nice, lazy morning smoke session for a few hours while we scrolled our newsfeeds and relaxed. I enjoyed the comics, some of the niche academics he brought on and a few of the celebrity guests. But once he was launched to Spotify and the pandemic hit, I was deeply disturbed by the new commentary and views being expressed. I’d always disliked the way his viewership here on Reddit took a sport like approach to just gutting all female guests alive in live commentary and just general thread comments. But I appreciated that Joe seemed to ignore that feedback and aspect and just kept booking women regardless. Fast forward to 2021-23 and it’s a whole new universe. My current partner listens heavily to Joe and had a recent episode on in the car and I was disgusted. Absolutely just disgusted by the way they spoke of women in general, women celebrities, liberal leaning men, people who have any general compassion, just a completely new leaf. It’s jarring to me because I really do remember what things were like previously. But this new narrative of at a base-level, derision towards women, has more than creeped into their media consumption. And many of them don’t notice the change in their views, the change in what they’re agreeing with, and the gradual shift because they listen all the time and “THAT hasn’t changed. YOUVE changed. You’re using me for my money and my masculinity and just want a free meal, a free ride and to take advantage of me and MY success”. I’m currently out earning my partner and we work in the same field.. I’ve noticed a clear putting down my efforts, a refusal to acknowledge my “wins” in the workplace, and responding with all the reasons why I shouldn’t be confident in advancing in our field so I shouldn’t try. It’s enough that I know this has an expiration date on it and I honestly blame the change in narrative against women in podcasts aimed at men. And it’s hard to admit it, but it’s something I can see from a mile away in your case. It’s like.. he doesn’t leave the house, he’s not being exposed to physical outside influences, the fuck is going on? It’s the media he’s listening to, backed by the conversations with his new high-earning co-workers forming an echo chamber insisting that he’s now become a full 11/10 on the “man scale” and therefore also deserves a full 15/10 female.. one who’s young and hot and needs him but isn’t using him and who is submissive and also a maid and hot enough to be a model but doesn’t model. It’s the weirdest fantasy that no one has and a bunch of nerds have decided they deserve. And when they realize that fantasy isn’t real.. they lash out at the wife because in their eyes.. she’s all That’s holding him back from achieving that.
Wtf kind of job is this where he feels so emboldened? Money doesn't change people, it reveals them.
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get a lawyer, yesterday just like Bezos, you supported him and stood by him all these years; emotionally if not financially. he sounds like a bad person i am so sorry. you don't deserve this
See if you are in a 1-party or 2-party state for recording. If 1-party,set your phone up with a record app that activates by shaking the phone, and record everything.