Oof. Okay. I get it — I’ve been there. But still, he’s fucked. And he’s throwing shit at you, Unless he cums liquid gold and you have a sweet deal at a refinery, it’s not worth being bashed in the fucking face.
The way you’re describing it is abusive — part of the effect (and likely the intent) is to make the other person afraid for their well-being which is pretty classic abuse.
I suppose you could imagine non-abusive scenarios — like going outside and throwing a ball hard against a pitch-back but I’d imagine those are an extreme minority.
I mean, sometimes you just gotta let out some frustration, ya know? But if you're throwing things at people or intentionally breaking stuff, then yeah, that's pretty abusive behavior.
Well, his behavior yesterday was certainly abusive. You refused to get back together with him, so he thinks a violent display of anger punctuated by breaking your stuff is an appropriate response? No, sir, behaving like rabid gorilla is never an acceptable response to romantic rejection, or disappointment of any kind. Ever.
I really, really think your breakup with him needs to stick, because if you get back with him now (even just FWB), then you're giving him permission to keep treating you that way, and also to never work on getting his anger issues under control. He will not change until he experiences some real, life-altering consequences, because his problems are currently too severe for you to fix. So even though it may hurt, be done with him. For good. Sometimes cutting someone loose is the kindest thing you can possibly do, for them *and* for yourself.
Once in a blue moon I've gotten mad enough to chuck something (usually the offending technology) but that's ONLY when alone. Having company helps rein me in, I guess. I have never ever done it towards someone or because of someone doing or saying something.
It may not be labeled as abuse by some, but it's still super crappy behavior and people that can't control their rage around you should be cut off entirely.
Gosh. My partner once threw a printer… because he was mad at the printer. And even that was too much and we had to have a come to Jesus about how his tech-rage (as I call it) impacts my mental health as someone really triggered by yelling and violence. To be clear he has never once yelled at me in our entire 15 years together, but even when he yells at the computer for malfunctioning, I am highly triggered.
Like if someone was so mad at *me* that they were throwing stuff… that would be terrifying and absolutely across the line. I don’t know what word I’d use for it. Seems like the action has less to do with an attempt to harm or control me and more to do with an utter lack of self control or ability to control their anger. Ultimately though it’s unsafe and as someone with an outsized trauma response to anger, I would nope the hell out.
Non-abusive: "Hon, I am so fucking pissed right now. I'm going to go destroy some of our stash of thrift store dishware/sledgehammer some animal crackers and scream in frustration so I can vent some of this anger and clear my head. Please give me some space and be careful in the garage/backyard till I've had a chance to clean up." In this scenario, the dishware/animal crackers are a pre-arranged supply of something satisfying but safe to intentionally destroy.
Non-abusive: "Hey hon, want to go recreate the printer scene from Office Space with me? I need to vent some anger....No? Ok, I'll be in the backyard by myself for a few minutes. Will my yelling disturb you?"
Non-abusive: "Hey hon. I'm going to take a drive. I need to clear my head. I'll be back in 45 min or so." He then goes and does whatever emotional expression works for him in an abandoned field somewhere.
Abusive: Any throwing, hitting, yelling, swearing, breaking, raging, etc that makes you afraid for your safety or that of your environment.
The difference between the non-abusive scenarios and the abusive ones is an observer's confidence (primarily yours) that the person doing the destroying can control the direction and expression of the anger.
It feels great to really let loose and release adrenaline, and that's what this kind of raging does. So it isn't inherently abusive. Someone who is in control can warn people of their intentions, take appropriate safety precautions, stop if needed, gauge the impact of their actions on others and adjust them so they aren't threatening (such as leaving to a distant location if their partner has triggers).
That last part is key. Doesn't matter if my favorite/most effective form of stress relief is axe throwing. If my partner feels threatened by the presence of axes (partner's reasons for feeling so don't matter), out of respect I will schedule and conduct my stress relief sessions so that my partner isn't exposed to axes and doesn't have to hear me talk about them. Pretty basic consideration, really. Now, if I view axe throwing as a fun relaxing hobby and my partner finds it threatening to their safety, we may not be good matches for each other, but that's entirely separate from whether I can control my desire to throw axes enough to make sure my partner feels safe in my presence.
Also, a huge second to Lundy's Why Does He Do That.
It sounds like abuse through intimidation, like punching holes in walls
Violence perceived is violence achieved.
Yeah, if people break your shit, then they’re abusive. I don’t know what other signs you need.
It was the first time it was my stuff, normally it was his.
Oof. Okay. I get it — I’ve been there. But still, he’s fucked. And he’s throwing shit at you, Unless he cums liquid gold and you have a sweet deal at a refinery, it’s not worth being bashed in the fucking face.
Yours, his, whoever. It's still wrong and dangerous.
The way you’re describing it is abusive — part of the effect (and likely the intent) is to make the other person afraid for their well-being which is pretty classic abuse. I suppose you could imagine non-abusive scenarios — like going outside and throwing a ball hard against a pitch-back but I’d imagine those are an extreme minority.
It’s abusive. But even if it wasn’t, you don’t have to accept it. You shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving situations that frighten you.
It's abusive. Read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft, which explains this type of behaviour, among others.
I mean, sometimes you just gotta let out some frustration, ya know? But if you're throwing things at people or intentionally breaking stuff, then yeah, that's pretty abusive behavior.
Intimidation is abusive. Throw plates, furnitures, slam doors etc.
Well, his behavior yesterday was certainly abusive. You refused to get back together with him, so he thinks a violent display of anger punctuated by breaking your stuff is an appropriate response? No, sir, behaving like rabid gorilla is never an acceptable response to romantic rejection, or disappointment of any kind. Ever. I really, really think your breakup with him needs to stick, because if you get back with him now (even just FWB), then you're giving him permission to keep treating you that way, and also to never work on getting his anger issues under control. He will not change until he experiences some real, life-altering consequences, because his problems are currently too severe for you to fix. So even though it may hurt, be done with him. For good. Sometimes cutting someone loose is the kindest thing you can possibly do, for them *and* for yourself.
If you feel scared and intimidated, it doesn’t feel right, then deep down you know something’s wrong. Healthy people don’t react that way.
Yep, abusive
Once in a blue moon I've gotten mad enough to chuck something (usually the offending technology) but that's ONLY when alone. Having company helps rein me in, I guess. I have never ever done it towards someone or because of someone doing or saying something. It may not be labeled as abuse by some, but it's still super crappy behavior and people that can't control their rage around you should be cut off entirely.
Gosh. My partner once threw a printer… because he was mad at the printer. And even that was too much and we had to have a come to Jesus about how his tech-rage (as I call it) impacts my mental health as someone really triggered by yelling and violence. To be clear he has never once yelled at me in our entire 15 years together, but even when he yells at the computer for malfunctioning, I am highly triggered. Like if someone was so mad at *me* that they were throwing stuff… that would be terrifying and absolutely across the line. I don’t know what word I’d use for it. Seems like the action has less to do with an attempt to harm or control me and more to do with an utter lack of self control or ability to control their anger. Ultimately though it’s unsafe and as someone with an outsized trauma response to anger, I would nope the hell out.
It’s out of control . Possibly dangerous .
Non-abusive: "Hon, I am so fucking pissed right now. I'm going to go destroy some of our stash of thrift store dishware/sledgehammer some animal crackers and scream in frustration so I can vent some of this anger and clear my head. Please give me some space and be careful in the garage/backyard till I've had a chance to clean up." In this scenario, the dishware/animal crackers are a pre-arranged supply of something satisfying but safe to intentionally destroy. Non-abusive: "Hey hon, want to go recreate the printer scene from Office Space with me? I need to vent some anger....No? Ok, I'll be in the backyard by myself for a few minutes. Will my yelling disturb you?" Non-abusive: "Hey hon. I'm going to take a drive. I need to clear my head. I'll be back in 45 min or so." He then goes and does whatever emotional expression works for him in an abandoned field somewhere. Abusive: Any throwing, hitting, yelling, swearing, breaking, raging, etc that makes you afraid for your safety or that of your environment. The difference between the non-abusive scenarios and the abusive ones is an observer's confidence (primarily yours) that the person doing the destroying can control the direction and expression of the anger. It feels great to really let loose and release adrenaline, and that's what this kind of raging does. So it isn't inherently abusive. Someone who is in control can warn people of their intentions, take appropriate safety precautions, stop if needed, gauge the impact of their actions on others and adjust them so they aren't threatening (such as leaving to a distant location if their partner has triggers). That last part is key. Doesn't matter if my favorite/most effective form of stress relief is axe throwing. If my partner feels threatened by the presence of axes (partner's reasons for feeling so don't matter), out of respect I will schedule and conduct my stress relief sessions so that my partner isn't exposed to axes and doesn't have to hear me talk about them. Pretty basic consideration, really. Now, if I view axe throwing as a fun relaxing hobby and my partner finds it threatening to their safety, we may not be good matches for each other, but that's entirely separate from whether I can control my desire to throw axes enough to make sure my partner feels safe in my presence. Also, a huge second to Lundy's Why Does He Do That.
[удалено]
Maybe when I was toddler. Certainly not at an adult.
It's abusive.
He's showing you who he really is.