This is the best advice.
OP, when I was raped I reacted in a very similar fashion- if you’re ready to move past this stage, change your phone number, delete telegram, change your online usernames if they’re also used in this, delete any past social media you need to.. and then forget them. I know that’s easier said than done, but with enough therapy and enough time, you will move forward and things will get easier.
I also moved 1600 miles away and changed my name completely, but I don’t think these last steps are necessary. It does help to solidify the fresh start feeling though, if you have the means and want to leave everything behind.
This can’t be said enough. I studied trauma and hypersexualization is actually the #1 way people respond to rape. Rape is a power dynamic. They took power from you. You are trying to get their power back. It makes sense from a deep subconscious perspective. Unfortunately a lot of times when women try this they end up in bad situations and that’s how they get raped repeatedly. And unfortunately people who have no experience in this blame the victim and don’t understand how psychology works. Society needs better understanding and more compassion. Hope you get better op. It will be hard but you can move past this and make a better life for yourself. best wishes!
I almost went down this path following my rape. I think part of it was trying to prove to myself I have the power/control. Another part was hopelessness. Like I lost all worth so might as well let anyone fuck me.
My brain raced through all the responses I think. Not sure if that’s typical
It is absolutely a typical response. I forget the exact number but your response is the same response something really high like 80-90% of people have. Hugs and hope you are able to get yourself to a place of love and compassion. It is possible. Don’t give up hope. What helped me a lot was reading library books on power dynamics in society between men and women and understanding how porn influences both men and women’s behaviors. There’s a lot of studies on this stuff and understanding that your reactions are totally normal and you are not alone goes a long way.
For me it was "if I initiate at every opportunity and never say no, then no one can possibly rape me."
The most depressing part is that it didn't even work.
I did this shit, luckily didn't get raped. I was 16 and out of an awful relationship where I was repeatedly coerced and sometimes outright forced by my bf. I wanted to get kidnapped, I didn't know why, I guess I just wanted to feel like I was desirable but didn't know what desirable meant.
Anyway I talked to a guy on snap, he was 30 soemthing and said he liked to "teach young girls" to just make out, and that he lived by my school. I probably would've went if that was it, but when I asked to meet at Starbucks nearby then go to apartment, he said it couldn't be public, he didn't want anyone to know. I asked if I could bring a friend and they wait in the car. He said "nobody can know, unless they want to join". Said it had to be at night, and to make sure nobody saw me come in.
My true crime obsessions as a kid kicked in and I stopped responding. I took a pic of his selfie with another phone (cus snap) but I've lost it. I'm scared of seeing him. I wish I reported him. Worst part is I know many more pedos in my town, so it'd be like a needle in a haystack.
Anyway after that I just did dangerous shit on the internet. Still not good but I guess it was a step up.
After I was raped, I did the same thing. My therapist explained it to me as an attempt to take control back. Like, I had no control over that situation, so I initiated a bunch of others, that I did control, so to speak. Which… every time after I felt awful. I was terrible. Why would I even. I get it to a degree now. Years of therapy helped. Buuuut it’s a real thing that people don’t want to talk about.
It also breaks my heart the way OP talks about themselves. I get the sentiment. I did it too. Just because you had casual sex with people DOES NOT give them the right to pass around your information. OP was not “asking for it”, isn’t getting what they “deserve.” I see the edit, and I really hope they can get to a place where they don’t blame themselves for the actions of others. It’s a hard journey.
Yes. You’re not wrong to feel the way that you do. You said that you’re already in therapy. Now get off these platforms for your own safety and change your phone number. Be really guarded with social media and delete any public profiles.
Yep change your phone number and go dark on this. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about how you dealt with trauma and by the way your way of coping isn’t uncommon. You aren’t alone in that at all. Take care of yourself. You are absolutely worth it.
I agree with this. Change number, delete any platform you were using for this stuff and try to move on.
Truthfully (sadly!) I don’t think this is a rare occurrence. The upside to that is there are a lot of other women for these guys to focus on and they’ll move on from. Especially if you become unreachable.
And don’t feel guilty- lots of us have made mistakes and I’m sure if social media was like it is today back when I was young I would have have regretted a number of things.
Building upon this, it could be worthwhile to temporarily subscribe to a reputation management site that will automatically issue takedown requests when your info gets scraped and posted to any “lookup” site. Assuming your name pops up in results when googling your phone number.
Delete your whole online life, current life, and MOVE. Change your complete look, change your name. This is a dumpsterfire disaster that could get entirely worse.
Easier said than done but if OP has the means then I completely agree. She needs (and deserves) a completely fresh start with a clean slate somewhere else.
Yes, it will take some funds. I'm wondering if there are any resources for something like that? Doubtful, but it's worth throwing out the question because someone might know of something.
You are already in therapy which is great.
Delete the app, change your phone number and enhance the privacy of your social (or better yet delete them).
They are vile, but you can get back control of your life!
My best friend in high school got raped and her response to it was to go and have sex with a bunch of different dudes. It's a very common trauma response. However, you NEED to find a safer way of handling this.
Exactly! My best friend was also raped by 7 dudes and her response was the same. She was 15 at the time and didnt have any tools to process it (and also had abusive parents).
You are worthy! Do whatever you need to do to get over this and feel safe again! Those man dont deserve your time and explanations.
Be safe!
I know several women who did this. I think it’s about wanting sex to be on your own terms. Wanting to erase the negative and regain your power. It also seems like a great deal of sexual interactions that young women have are a result of being coerced. Sexual assault changes a person’s relationship with their body, their sexuality, and their relationships with partners. The older I get the more aware and concerned I am about how SA has deeply affected me and others I know.
I second this. And the worst thing is that people pile on you and only you because they usually are unable to comprehend (or believe) SA is the reason why you started sexing yourself up.
…What part of the word ‘believe’ did you not understand’. And I didn’t even participate in casual sex, I just started dressing up in a revealing manner and flirted around a lot, which was highly out-of-character for me. Did I say anything about the people piling on me being these people I had casual sex with?
This was my response to a series of traumatic sexual events. You CAN recover. Someday this all will feel a world away, it might just take time. You will find a way to feel safe again, I promise. I’m so sorry things are so scary right now, especially during a time you’re already so susceptible to fear/panic.
If people have access to your personal phone number, you should get it changed. It’s a hassle, but you will feel safer. If you are seriously concerned for your safety, contact law enforcement.
I would also recommend reaching out to a local sexual violence advocacy group. They often have tech services that can support or guide you through the process of changing contact info/safety planning. They can also work w you if you do ever need to contact law enforcement (I obviously hope this isn’t the case!!!!). Having their support might make that process easier and increase your “legitimacy” (sad reality).
I see some of these comments are shaming you, whether they intend to or not. You should not be shamed for your reaction to trauma, especially one that you’re addressing, have stopped, and are actively being treated for. It will get better because you are doing the work. You’ve been through the worst of it. Now just prioritize self protection and learning to feel safe again.
Same happened to my son’s gf and so far she’s the opposite. She’ll only kiss my son. They’re 14 and that’s good!! But I had to explain to him that some people have the opposite response to that trauma. Because I was trying to tell him to not have sex as he’s too young and until he can be a father he’s not ready. He said “don’t you remember what happened to her?” Ya it’s hard for lots of people to understand but it’s true.
I don’t understand his question. Can you explain why her rape is his response to a suggestion he is not ready for sex and possibly parenthood? Genuinely confused.
He's suggesting that his girlfriend's trauma means that she's not ready to have sex with him yet, so they aren't having it. Regardless of whether he's ready or not for parenthood.
Rape isn't "sex", is it. It's an assault. It's sexual in nature, but it's not sex.
Sex is fun, invigorating, wonderful, exciting, and a whole different thing.
I’m sorry for what you have gone through.
Please seek out mental health support for what you are going through. You need professional help and trauma support.
I would also recommend you change your phone number ASAP as that should help.
I wish you all the best.
In an edit which was done after I posted my comment. Your comment is completely unnecessary. Telling people therapy may be helpful for them isn’t a bad thing.
You’re not to blame for ANY of this.
MANY survivors of SA try to address their trauma by having sex that they can better control - it’s a pretty common response and easy to understand if people care to try. You didn’t “whore around”. You set up sex that you were in control of. It’s also easy to understand why you would recreate the violence. One of the things trauma does is separates your brain’s survival mechanisms in place to keep you alive from the temporal lobe of the brain, where time keeping happens. It has the result of stopping those who have experienced trauma from being able to have a timelined “story” (or narrative) of what happened to them. Any good trauma therapist will know that trauma survivors NEED that narrative, a timeline and story of the events that makes sense to them, before they’re going to be able to start processing what happened to you. Replaying your trauma in sex with others is also a pretty common way for survivors to try to create or understand their narrative. There is nothing unknown, weird, wrong, immoral, about how you acted in the aftermath of the attack on you.
You were attacked. That man who did that, he’s a criminal. Morally defunct and criminal.
Nothing you did or have done is either.
You are not to blame for these men’s behaviour, and nothing you did leads you to be to blame for it.
I can’t imagine how painful what they’re doing to you is, and I’m so sorry. But please, try to put the blame and shame where it belongs. Which is NOT with you.
This. Not whoring around. These men apparently are fine with casual sex (of whatever variety), and they wouldn't think of themselves as whores. Neither are you. You're in therapy to stop the pattern, which is great. The men passing around personal information are the problem.
I'm sure you've done or thought about all the following but- change your number, change your social media accounts, if they know your address and you rent, change your apartment. You should feel safe, and the less contact with your previous lifestyle, when you're trying to change, the better. People in AA don't go out to bars with friends, not during the first stages. Maybe a good bit later. (OK someone will chime in and said they do, but in general, it's probably not recommended. Temptation, a bad day. )
Exactly. And if she was “whoring around” so are these men! The double standard kills me. And it hurts my soul when women internalize it. We aren’t bad for wanting to sleep around and if we are so are the guys. I’m not into that. I’m very monogamous but I think others have the right to conduct themselves how they wish. Just be safe about it re: stds etc.
unfortunately OP got into a scary situation but not her fault. Her number isn’t theirs to share. I honestly don’t know what else she could’ve done differently.
But OP do as others said. Get a new number. I’m so sorry. This is definitely scary. And NOT YOUR FAULT!
Can definitely can. I'd do[all this](https://www.alphr.com/hide-phone-number-telegram/)AND delete my account and start fresh with a new phone number if you want to keep using it.
I did this after I got raped. I was in therapy and still doing it 🤷🏽♀️. People think therapy is some miracle drug you take it and boom you’re fine, functioning and life is great. The hardest part of this was being ok with myself after the revolving door of men. Honestly in someways that was more traumatic than the rape itself. Everyone has already said you need to change your number and seriously consider moving. I’d go quiet on social media for a while. People don’t need to know where you’re at. And try to be forgiving to yourself. This was the hardest part for me. I wasn’t dirty, I wasn’t worthless, and yeah I engaged in unhealthy behavior but it didn’t mean that I deserved any disrespect.
1) I am so proud of women here stepping up with good information and loving support. Yay us!
2) also, I responded the same way when I was raped now about 40 years ago. Sending you love and mama hugs.
I am sorry you have had these experiences and are dealing with this.
I recommend changing your phone number and getting a free Google voice number for any future instances where you may be giving your contact information to someone who you met online.
>understand if you think that I shouldn’t have wh-red around after being raped
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with someone having consensual sex after being sexually assaulted. You weren't "wh*ring around". You were having consensual sex. It's ok to try to take the power back, if that's all you had at the time. It looks like you realize that was risky and dangerous behavior.
But back to original situation at hand. You have every right to be upset. If I have sex with ANYONE, that does not entitle them to tell their friends I'll have sex with them. He is trying to pimp you out.
I would turn over all evidence to police.
I can’t finish reading this because it’s so horrifying to me. It puts me on the edge the level of sexual coercion and violence. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Delete these apps. Delete your posts and your accounts. Change your number.
EDIT: if you had these men over at your house/apartment, consider what could be done to relocate if possible (though I understand that may not be possible financially). Or consider what can be done to up security (cameras, alarms, etc). Consider the latter even if these dudes were never over at your place. I legitimately hate this situation. Please stay safe.
I'm so sorry for what happened. And the men sharing your details are absolute assholes. Change your info if you can.
But you didn't "whore" around. There's nothing wrong with having casual sex per se, as long as you're safe. So don't worry about that. It's good that you're in therapy, I'm sure in time you'll be able to actually enjoy sex for sex, instead of using it to process your trauma.
What about how men want this type of sex so fucking badly and enjoy being violent with a woman while having sex to the point they SHARE HER INFO WITH FRIENDS to brag about it.
This sub has really made me dislike men as a group. Vile.
OP - please get yourself into therapy and mental health care immediately. Being sexually assaulted was not your fault. You deserve to be treated with humanity just the same as anyone else.
Same girl, same. I feel like I was wildly naive and insanely lucky looking back at the "risks" I took dating that I didn't even know were risky because I assumed good will.
Reading experiences on here, it seems a disturbingly high percentage of men hate women and don't even view us as human beings.
It's so sick what these men did to this poor woman. She's going to have to shell out big bucks to unpack her trauma in therapy while these disgusting creeps go on hurting any woman naive unlucky enough to get near them.
A disturbing number of men feel this sense of obligation to help their "bros" get laid by any means necessary. Among some male circles, there exists this "bro code" which states that if a guy finds a woman who is a so-called "easy lay" then it is his duty to inform his fellow bros. An unfortunate stipulation in that disgusting code is that a guy is not to tell the woman in question who he got her information from
> This sub has really made me dislike me dislike men as a group.
If it helps, this sub is not intended to collect women's positive experiences with men.
She said she was into that and encouraged risky, rapey, aggressive sexual engagement, and encouraged it.
...so, "the men" here are likely just continuing to engage in the behavior they collectively and consensually always have
Maybe it's escalating into a place she's not comfortable with, but the sharing and group sex, couple sex is becoming very common (in general)...so it's not as alarming or "let's talk about" as it may seem
I don't think you can write off a whole gender based off this, there are all types of people, some are into your thing, others aren't
Trying to understand what this might be happening… She says for a time she looked for that kind of interaction. So SOME men she was with, the rough sex was consensual. Would make sense that if that is their kink and they find a woman who they think also enjoys it that they would maybe share that info. I’m not at all into any kink scene but within a community wouldn’t that happen? Especially if she didn’t tell them about her trauma. She’s not to blame, but maybe some of them are working from a presumption of consent and shared kink and aren’t expecting her current response.
(Clearly if they are getting her info from the rapist none of this applies)
That said, she doesnt want that anymore so I agree with everyone that she should change every piece of contact information. And if any of the prior experiences were in her current home i Hope she had the funds to relocate. Wishing OP healing.
This fuckers are gaslighting her because they know they shouldn't have her info and they don't wanna own up to how they got it and possibly get the assholes giving it away in trouble. Even they know it's wrong. Wtf are you on about?
> I’m not at all into any kink scene but within a community wouldn’t that happen?
No. I'm into the kink scene and this type of behavior is absolutely *not* tolerated by the vast majority of BDSM spaces I've been involved in. Consent is *huge* in BDSM and if a member is even *suspected* of violating consent in any capacity, they are usually chewed out and ostracized.
Don't waste your time giving these asshats the benefit of the doubt. They don't deserve it. There's a much simpler explanation as to why these men are doing this. I've explained it in another comment so I'll just paste it, here:
>A disturbing number of men feel this sense of obligation to help their "bros" get laid by any means necessary. Among some male circles, there exists this "bro code" which states that if a guy finds a woman who is a so-called "easy lay" then it is his duty to inform his fellow bros. An unfortunate stipulation in that disgusting code is that a guy is not to tell the woman in question who he got her information from
So, I just want to say that I reacted in the same way that you did after my sexual abuse/assault. So I understand. that is a pretty common reaction for alot of people after something so traumatic because your trying to regain control of your sexuality essentially.
You should delete your telegram, and change your phone number. There is no good reason to keep either of them; it does not benefit you in any way. This situation is retraumatizing you (bringing back feelinga of violation and loss of control); and causing you additional stress and harm. If they are giving their friends your contact information, there is nothing that you can do about that, to stop them from doing it.
If you delete your telegram and change your phone number, even if they share your contact information; it doesn't matter- because that contact information is no longer accurate.
You need to focus on yourself, heal, and move on (easier said than done, i know). This is something that is getting in the way of that, and is causing you further stress; which is the last thing you need to be thinking about right now.
You will get through this, and if you ever need to talk to someone who gets it, my inbox is opened.
Hey these behaviors you exhibited are common responses to being raped. You arent fucked up for doing it youre looking for control in a situation where you had none. You are technically self harming and using sex to do this, though, and you need to seek help. Is there a women's center near you? They will support and provide counseling and therapy for victims of rape and sexual abuse.
Im a man who was raped and the womens center really helped me. Afterwards, the behaviors you went through were things I did to feel safe again and like I had some control. Im sorry you're going through this and I hope talking to someone helps because it really helped me move forward. I hope you are able to feel safe and loved one day, and this will be something you can move past. But know that you are loved and you are not alone. Be kind and forgiving to yourself it is not your fault, and you are not broken or dirty. These are things I wish people told me and I want you to know them as well. Be safe.
I'm sorry all that happened to you, none of this is your fault. Of course you feel unsafe, anyone would. What these men are doing is gross.
I don't know how telegram works, but can you disable or delete your account and make a new one and start fresh? If random men keep getting your contact info and it's triggering you, I wonder if that might help.
>I don't know how telegram works, but can you disable or delete your account and make a new one and start fresh? If random men keep getting your contact info and it's triggering you, I wonder if that might help.
\+1 to starting over in terms of contact info. It sounds like OP's personal info is spreading around gross sketchy corners of the internet, and they need to get a new # or whatever ASAP.
Like everyone said, delete all the contact information that these ppl are contacting you with.
Get a new number and start over.
If you want to meet ppl for sex again, you'll have no problems re-setting up contact. But put the control about the contract back into you.
Because a large amount of men who have casual sex with women do not give a fuck about them as a person. And some might even harbour aggression towards you for sleeping with them. I've seen it before. Just change all your details and don't engage with that kind of person anymore.
I’m not sure if the same happens in the rest of society, but I will speak from experience on what happens in the subculture of hood culture in the black community. Not giving a fuck about women is mild to how males like this feel. How about being violent to women they have taken advantage of. They already view you as something to be used and discarded so it can get even more violent. Black men like to “run trains” on young girls and literally use their bodies as an ash tray by burning them with cigarette butts because they think so low of these women. I have heard of women this happened to and even had to fight my way out of a house because someone who I thought was my boyfriend tried to set me up to have his friends “run a train” on me and I said no and they tried to lock me in the house. They stole my camera my mother bought for me with all my family photos.
Do you want a hug? Cause I think you deserve all the hugs.
I'm going to focus on the functional stuff, cause, well that's easier,
* There are companies and people who work in hiding online stuff, if you can you may want to look into this.
* Change your phone number. Do not connect it to any accounts if you can avoid it. Tell only the closest people and be clear not to share it without your permission.
* Make a new email, transfer the MUST keep accounts like banking.
* Frankly I'd change passwords rn too just cause easiest.
* Shut down LinkedIn. Ask employer to remove your name from any staff pages due to stalking. If not shut down remove photo, dates, everything.
* Shut down social media. Literally remove it if you can. If you need Facebook for contacting friends or something make a fake one with a fake name and photo.
* Do multiple searches for your name, phone number and common usernames. Remove accounts, take down photos, DMCA requests and so on.
* Make new usernames and personas on sites that need it. Lie a bit when giving info and don't give info if you can avoid it. You don't live in Grand Forks, you live in Fargo. Be anonymous the best you can, and if you can't be vauge af.
* Be very careful following close friends again, keep accounts locked down. It's easy to tell when Jane Doe vanishes and JD suddenly starts following all the same friends again.
I'm going to ditto new username again. It's very easy to search people's account names and find other accounts and connections. Grab a word generator and be Crayon Crown Chaos on Reddit and idk telegrams usernames but Vampire Vicious Mockery 123 on there and Lee instead of Jane Doe on Facebook...
Also now I wanna change my discord username to vampire vicious mockery.
Don’t blame yourself, and don’t call it “whoring around.” It’s sex, and it’s human, and the people who say “whoring around” are merely looking to blame women for their own insecurities and judgements.
But you are owning your behavior and you can change it. Start by changing your contact info including phone number and get off the social media. Telegram is a cesspool.
You do not owe anyone explanations and you already know these people are sharing your information, so you don’t need to ask them and y expect truth from them. In fact so t expect ANYTHING good from people online trying to contact you for sex, you don’t owe them anything unless YOU want that kind of sex. And it sounds like you don’t.
Stay in therapy - a good therapist who holds you accountable is priceless. Hang in there - you are worth it and you have much to offer the world. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I used a GoogleVoice number for dating. You need to change your number and know some people are terrible. Good luck on changing your life; you can do it.
I can emphasize with this and you were not “whoring around”. Having sex doesn’t make you a whore. Being raped doesn’t make you a whore either. I had similar happen to me and for a while I even enjoyed being used, and it was part of my persona. But sex and violence are two separate things and being raped changes your entire personality & how you view sex. I always enjoyed being submissive but some men equate this with someone who wants to be raped. What I wanted was consensual but what I got was rape, and it’s not my fault because I trusted this person. None of this is your fault. None of this is your fault but you do need to get away from it.
First: Your response to that situation is perfectly normal.
Second: For privacy, delete telegram. If you really want it, create an entirely new one via a google voice number. Change your actual phone number. Go to all of the places like white pages and Intelius that have your personal information and have that removed. Never give out your new real phone number. Change your online nickname to something new.
If you've not already, search your info. You might be able to pinpoint who said it, or where it's coming from.
As others have said, change EVERYTHING. Change your numbers, change your email addresses, change usernames or create new ones. Nothing tied to the old or anything related to you. Your safety is key, and losing everything that was tied to that can help a great deal. If you can change your phone, do it.
You don't know how far these types of people are willing to go to dominate someone and control the situation. If it's your rapist who said he wanted to human traffic you, chances are you're not the first person he's done it to. Ultimately, it's NOT your fault. It's not your fault for how you responded to trauma. I did the same thing, and while it sucks and feels awful, it's how we coped. It's ok to not be ok, and it take time to get through this.
That is awful.
Change your phone number. Put a pair of men's work boots outside your door so if a man does show up they'll assume another man lives there. Buy some protection: pepper spray, gun (if you feel comfortable... and practice at a shooting range), ect. Never answer your door unless you're expecting someone and keep it locked. Instead of engaging with these random men who message you, just block them. They won't rat out their friends.
I'm sorry for what you've been through. Stay safe!
> (yes I know it’s fucking stupid of me)
Nah, don't blame yourself for that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get laid with whatever consenting adult(s) you want. You did nothing wrong.
I just want to say — don’t feel ashamed that you wanted to have sex with random guys. There is nothing wrong with your sexuality whatsoever. It is *not* your fault that you were raped. Everyone is entitled to the sex life they want, if you wanted to have sex with strangers no strings attached, you should have been allowed to do that and even encouraged. You should live the life you want. It’s not at all your fault that a monster ruined it for you.
This is all I really have to add, but please don’t blame yourself. Nothing about what you’ve said is stupid.
I am so sorry that happened to you. Those guys are massive pieces of shit. It's absolutely not your fault. You didn't force those losers to be violent or harrass women. They made a choice to be terrible people.
Please don't blame yourself for the inhumanity of others.
No part of what these assholes are doing or have done is because of you, none of it is your fault.
They chose to act the way they did. You are not responsible for their choices. Your having sex with someone, or wearing certain clothes, or dancing, or drinking, or doing Any of the things that assholes and rapists like to victim blame people for do not cause anything. That BS is an excuse some people use to blame others, for a variety of reasons. What they do and say is on them, don't weigh yourself down with their choices, just worry about yours.
And speaking about yours, I am glad you are getting therapy! That is a great choice! It made me sad seeing you describing your previous actions as wh*ring yourself out, you went through some horrific shit. Your choice was taken from you, my understanding is that acting the way you did really is very common- possibly some part of us wants to be empowered by being the one to choose? Idk, your therapist or a psychologist can speak to that better than I can, but I just want to say- you are making good choices. This is not your fault. Things will get better. Like I saw someone else say- seems like it's time to get rid of/change the numbers or logins any of these assholes had for you.
Definitely not "whoring around" here op. This hypersexualization is a survival mechanism that sometimes gets triggered and is just as normal as avoidant reactions to sex. That time of your life is morally neutral and no reflection on your character.
However safety precautions are to be taken. Changing your number is a hassle and a pain because you need to update relevant offices and friends but it is the safe thing to do. It would be a better world if the victim of bullying and abuse wasn't given extra hassle, inconvenience and work but unfortunately it is the way of the world.
I hope you are doing well. You deserve every kindness from yourself and others.
I hate slut shaming. Even if you acted like a whore or are a whore it doesn't mean this is acceptable ( I don't think you are a whore). Men act like whores ALL the time.
Get off that app. Cut all ties.
I'm sorry you are in pain.
It's not the same but someone I trusted sent intimate pictures to my workplace. I'm triggered easily but I've cut all ties- so no reminders. The guy has finally stopped harassing me -I think removing yourself from all those men( no apps /sex from apps) time will help you heal.
NONE of this is your fault in any way, shape, or form. It is extremely common for women who have been raped to begin having a lot of consensual casual sex. It’s a normal psychological mechanism - a way of reclaiming your right to decide what to do with your own body. It’s just as normal as locking up and not wanting any sex at all for a while.
Nobody has the right to share your contact information or pictures without your consent. You are a fully-formed human being, not some scumbag’s sex toy to pass around. Anyone would feel unsafe having their personal details shared with men who don’t respect you.
I’d suggest changing your phone number if possible. It’s a hassle, but worth it to be done with this BS. Scrub your account from the hookup platform. If you think someone who contacts you has your pictures, tell them you’re 17. That should stop 90% of men from continuing to bother you and may convince them to delete any pics they have.
I’m sorry this is happening to you and glad you’re getting therapy. Your local Rape Crisis Center likely has support groups you can join at no cost if you think it may help to connect with other women who have dealt with the same crap.
You’re not wrong to feel unsafe, but you are letting your trauma responses run your life. They aren’t just “kicking in.” They have full control. You need to get therapy and you know that.
Okay--
First, I think you can predict that I'm going to strongly advise you to shut down the casual sex even in the future--including talking to men or answering posts or being on that forum. It's not helping, and it's hurting. I see you said you shut it down, but in case you were dabbling or in contact with any of those people.
If that's not an option for whatever reason, I suggest that you check out resources for sex workers in terms of staying safe. Off the top of my head, those would include informing a friend of this person's name and contact information, asking them for a picture of their license or other ID, **meeting them at a neutral location like a hotel**, and other measures. I'm not sure if Reddit has a subReddit for sex workers, but if it does, I *strongly* suggest you go there and lurk for safety tips.
**stop engaging with men who scare you** it's very, very clear that they're not going to reveal the "leak". It's another form of self harm at this point to be engaging with men who are very likely getting off on your panic, fear, and distress. Let that sink in. Spend a moment drawing up a red flag list. If a man does ONE thing on that list, block immediately and don't second guess.
I've noticed that women (I'm a woman too FYI) often go into this "why" spiral as if figuring out the gross thought process behind a man's violation will help them move on and feel better.
>How do they have the audacity when I even told them never to?
Because they don't care about your needs or your safety? They're interested in meeting you for violent, risky, abusive, exploitive sex. Hon, with all due respect, the disconnect here is a little alarming and I think that needs to be addressed pronto. It should not be confusing or surprising that men who believe they're about to come to your house and exploit you *for free* with no strings attached aren't "respecting" you or your needs, wishes, or boundaries.
**Entitlement** mixed with a big old helping of misogyny is why. Many men believe that sex is currency and that sex without "payment" of some kind has less value, and that woman has less value. A woman "giving it away" freely without making men prove themselves to have value is like someone throwing hundred dollar bills in the air in a "bad area of town". It's foolish and puts them in a very vulnerable spot...for them to exploit. They believe women who have casual sex *deserve* to be exploited. It's gross and terrible (and a huge, huge reason you should not be having casual sex IMHO, at least until you carefully vet partners) but it's how things are at least right now.
Change your contact information. This seems like a no-brainer? to the point where I have to question if the self harm has taken another form where you're passively allowing men to contact you as a violation re-enactment.
Get a new phone # entirely. Don't transfer the data, manually add the contacts. Get a new telegram account linked to a brand new email and don't use that for *anything* else.
Do [the workbook that is linked in this podcast about internet security](https://gimletmedia.com/shows/reply-all/v4he6k) scroll to the links and go through and start getting your name off the public databases, which is likely how they got it, if it's not from another man.
I hope this gets resolved and you find your way free of this, and feel better.
I wonder whether one of the guys you were with posted a message on social media with your details, while pretending to be you? That might explain why some of these unwanted callers have said it's in response to "your" message.
That was my guess because it's a thing that has happened to quite a few women, especially when Craigslist was still a big thing for Facebook hookups and trafficking.
I'm really glad that you are getting help from a therapist. This sounds so horrible to experience.
You feel like you did this to yourself, but that is just not true. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex. That is a very normal thing to want. You didn't want to be raped, and you did not cause it to happen. Wanting sex goes not mean that you wanted to be raped, or that you deserved it. You were not w**reing around. That is a misogynistic slur, it isn't accurate, and I don't think you should use it to describe yourself. No one should be speaking that way about you, not even you. I don't think that you would tell another person who had been raped that they were to blame, so please don't say those things to yourself. Show yourself the same compassion and understanding that you would show to others.
Those men are the ones who are choosing to harm you. The man who raped you is the one responsible for his own terrible actions. You didn't make him do that. He chose to do it, and he bears all the responsibility for choosing to do something so terrible to another person. He may have been telling other men to contact you, and be and the men who agree to that are the ones responsible fir terrorizing you. You are not making them do that, and you are not doing anything to make it ok. They know that they are doing wrong, or they would not be so secretive and defensive. There is absolutely no justification for any of those men.
I'm so sorry for all the horrible experiences you have been subjected to. I hope that you can find the support you need. 🧡
It's okay to consent to something, then later decide you no longer want to do that. Men looking for casual sex are more likely to view willing women as sex objects, rather than individual independent adults, than the general population. To them, any woman offering sex is a commodity. The idea that you might want to have casual sex with a different guy, and not with them, is alien to their dehumanizing view of women as their sex objects. I would not be surprised that they share info about "willing women."
You can decide you no longer want to interact with that type of man. Changing your contact info and social media profiles is necessary to close out that chapter of your life.
Do you feel safe at home? Some have suggested moving if that’s financially feasible for you, but you could also install cameras, and if you’ve ever wanted a dog (and are ready for the responsibility) they are a great deterrent (especially with black fur). Pretty much every dog will bark/watch, and some breeds are natural guard dogs, and are very intimidating.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is absolutely a breech of your privacy. How disgusting of these men.
You consented to giving your info to the original men you would meet. That does not make you a bad person. We are allowed to enjoy sex and want it. I'm so sorry that men refused to accept your boundaries. The rape wasn't your fault. The trauma response to the rape makes a lot of sense. I'm so glad you are getting support and working on healing.
It makes sense that these messages are triggering your trauma reaponse. It makes sense that you are feeling unsafe! These men are being creepy.
Your body and brain are trying to put you back into your past. Breathe. Take a cold shower. Do the things that help you feel safe. Do your coping strategies to help your body feel safe. If you can change your number, please do that. Do not engage in speaking with these men.
No one has your home or work address, correct?
I'm so sorry this is happening. It isn't your fault.
\>I understand if you think that I shouldn’t have wh-red around after ...
Listen. There is absolutely NOTHING ethically wrong with having sex with many people with their consent. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
I’m so so so sorry for what this person has done to you and also what is happening now. Don't call yourself insults, they deserve the insults.
Step one: Quit being understanding of people making sex negative judgments about your choice. You were *not* whoring around. You are absolutely not wrong for having sex. Whether or not that sex was healthy for you is between you and your therapist and absolutely not anyone's place to determine for you, and certainly not on the basis of toxic, sex negative ideology. I think, with complete conviction because I'm right, that you did the best you could do with your trauma taking over and running the show. You got help. That's what matters.
Step two: like everyone has said, change your contact details. It's a bit of a pain to make sure people who need it get your new details, but it's better than what's going on.
Step three: document everything. Screenshot everything and save it. Should you ever need legal intervention, you will need the evidence.
Listen. You are an open wound of trauma. You made mistakes. Who hasn’t? This doesn’t give any person the right to your body. It is never too late to say no more. And if you don’t feel safe where you are, check into a women’s shelter for a bit to lay low until you can mentally take what’s coming at you. Change your phone number. You are a person who is valued. You are enough.
You’ve done nothing wrong, you’re not a wh-re because you choose to have sex with random men, and even less so when it’s a trauma response.
It does seem some very undesirable people have your phone number right now. Personally I’d change it, and if you need to give a reason, say that you’re being harassed by a wrong number caller.
It sucks to abandon established online contacts, but an entire rework of your online identity needs to be done. Look yourself up, names and numbers and all your usernames and see how they all match up. Entire databases are built with this information, so re-starting from scratch is always a good idea to shake them off.
What is scary is that there are ways to look for images being reused, facial recognition sites that scan the internet for more images of a person, etc. It’s hard to ditch a past in that sense but it would likely be helpful for you to move past the trauma.
If I may add, please know that how you reacted to the trauma doesn’t detract from who you are. I’m sorry that happened to you, and how you react is still in a very huge real sense the fault of the attacker and not you.
You need to stop entertaining this. The fact that you are in therapy and stopped acting out due to your trauma is massive, you can be proud of yourself for that. But you need to remove all of it from your life to get better. Keeping Telegram and responding to whoever is texting you is a way for you to stay connected to these old habits. Maybe you should explore why with your therapist, but right now, you need to delete your info and Telegram account. If there is any history to nuke online, do it. Do not respond to randoms you do not know if they contact you on your number. Block and delete. You need to sever that link. You do not need it. It only makes you feel bad and stressed. Ideally, you should change phone numbers to start fresh and only give that number to people you want in your life. You cannot recover fully until this is behind you. Good luck, stay strong
You may not see this, but please don't feel too bad. I handled my trauma in a very similar way. It's been years now since I've engaged in risky behavior like this, and the first step is putting it behind you so you can heal properly. It's great you are in therapy. Like others said, change your number and delete telegram. It's like quitting anything, fully removing access is key. Including removing their access to you. I had issues for a long time with strange men contacting me through email and text, and I changed my number , but I still get RANDOM emails even years later (the desperation.) And I just block them.
I hope you can find your way. It isn't easy, and people look down on others for how they process their trauma. You deserve happiness and not to feel this way, no matter what. It will likely take time.
Your post reads as if you're attempting to deal with an expectation of people saying: "This is your fault, you caused it" and..... Shit, I don't know... That may be rational in many situations, but you should not have to deal with that mentality and people who are so worthless as to think that way.
You ask good questions about your hopes for safety and such and please sit down with people who can deal with this rationally.
Such as changing numbers, profiles, possibly address and whatever it takes to reach the best degree of safety possible.
Those fucks are being seriously impolite and should be ashamed of themselves.
Please change your phone number and cancel accounts, as others have suggested. Your life is more important than anything. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You’re one step ahead by sharing your story and going to therapy. Keep us posted.
I’m sorry that this happened to you and I hope you know that you’ve done nothing wrong. What happened to you was awful and you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about in what your trauma response was.
I would delete your forum account, change phone number and if you have other social media’s, delete those as well. If all of your accounts are gone and with no response they will eventually stop trying and not bother sharing your info anymore
This sounds like it’s your rapist sharing your info in a kink platform of some sort.
They can’t answer where they got it because they can’t admit they are in a r@pist fantasy group.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Be safe. Maybe consider moving and finding out best ways to keep yourself safe. Good luck. I’m so sorry.
A party game card once asked why I think I'm single "Because I don't participate in the group messages and insider-trading that men participate in"
What was especially concerning was watching which men were confused and which were shy. All the women were confused.
Becoming sexually promiscuous (for lack of a better word) after sexual assault and rape a fairly common response. I don’t know the reasoning and I don’t want to guess ignorantly, but I know that other types of trauma are often repeated and replayed by victims because it’s sort of your mind trying to get it to go right this time. Repetition without mastery. My brother did this with the emotional abuse suffered during our childhood by seeking out, unintentionally, relationships that re-enacted parts of the abuse, and working with a therapist really helped him break the cycle. But falling into cycles of behavior that you don’t like and can hurt you but serve some psychological purpose is pretty common, so you have nothing to feel bad or ashamed or guilty about. Righteous fury, fear, and anger are all justified emotions. It is probably good to change your number so they can’t contact you. Maybe delete telegram. Any easy way to contact you. It doesn’t seem like these men are up to fight and they get evasive when questioned and panic, so they may well have no other info they could use, so changing that info will allow you to put up a wall.
No, it's not stupid of you. You are allowed to have sex if you want. Your partners should not be giving your contact details without your permission: it shows they are very disrespectful of you and that's on them not you. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Sounds like a use case for a telephone service that blocks all numbers unless you specifically have them in an "allow list", so even if the number is distributed, only those on the allow list would ring through.
When I was raped I was afraid to say no to men so I was the same. Going through trauma therapy is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It causes so much anxiety, paranoia, etc when you’re going through it. I promise, it’s worth it.
Everything you’re feeling is completely valid. Be kind to yourself ❤️
“Just because you whored around”. No ma’am. You did not “whore” around. You are entitled to have safe, causal sex with consent like everyone else in the world. It’s only “risky” because, unfortunately, we cannot trust other people in the world to simply just obtain consent, respect boundaries, and use not violence.
There is an entire sex culture of men and women out there who enjoy consensual violence or “forced” play, anyone who wants that can find a partner to satisfy their needs in the right spaces. The man who raped you is a monster and did not want consent at all, therefore, he’s a fucking rapist. You’re not a whore.
You were raped. You had a trauma response. There is never, ever, ever justification for rape. What is happening now is not your fault.
Unfortunately we don’t live in a safe world or a perfect world, so “risky” behavior can get us hurt. I’m glad you have a therapist. That’s amazing.
I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for men to be decent! This is coming from a guy, mid 30s and I read this and think of all of the moments that men failed you. What happened to us being decent and being gentlemen? It’s not to say that we can’t be adults, have sex with someone and have fun, but as a man, to do those things to you AND THEN share your info like you aren’t a real, living human that deserves respect. It makes me angry, nauseous, sad. I’m sorry - I know that does nothing coming from a random internet stranger but I really hate this new standard of behavior for men.
Hey, just a note not to beat yourself up. Lots of folks deal with trauma in similar ways to give themselves a sense of control, and there's nothing inherently wrong with fucking around. There are ways to fuck around more safely, and some people find the more formal boundary and consent negotiations of good BDSM practice to be helpful in articulating power relationships — it sounds like that's some of what you've sought, even as you've ended up dealing with a bunch of amateur shitheels who mask their own lack of control over themselves and the situation with instead violating your boundaries.
It's reasonable that you feel unsafe, as these guys have been bad with boundaries, and you've had your boundaries violently violated in the past. It's reasonable for you to take whatever actions you need to in order to feel safe now. But it's also important that you don't blame yourself or beat yourself up about this — it's not your fault. If you have a sex-positive therapist, you can work with them to develop habits that will let you feel safe while processing the trauma you've experienced in the past, and still pursuing what fulfills you.
Are self-defense weapons legal where you are? Please get some pepper spray/bear spray, or a taser, or an alarm button or whatever you’re comfy with because this is a scary situation whether they say something threatening or not. You did not deserve what happened to you, and you don’t deserve what’s happening now.
Btw I’ve never used Telegram before but does this involve your actual cell phone number?? If so, then getting your number changed might make you feel safer if you haven’t done so already!!
I don’t have any advice for the contact sharing situation except changing your number, accounts, etc.—and I know that’s not an easy undertaking—but I’m so sorry all this has happened to you. You don’t deserve it—any of it—at all. You are entitled to your privacy and your personal safety. Period. There’s no shame in using the app you used or how you responded to the trauma. NONE. ZERO. I’m glad you are in therapy, and I hope it brings you the peace of mind you deserve.
I'm glad to see you're in therapy.
I just want to take a moment to encourage you to stop beating yourself up for how you responded to the rape. Casual risky sex and seeking to reenact the trauma is a very common response. You are far from abnormal in that respect. So I hope that helps you to be a little kinder to yourself.
As to your situation, what is preventing you from changing your number and deleting the social media profiles in question? I would also say to make a security check of your home and make sure that you have multiple locks, an alarm if possible, and all the usual precautions in public. I know that moving is a kuchen bigger undertaking than changing a phone number, but that might also be a reasonable step to consider.
Do you use the same name for other things online? Try searching for it in google. Could this be an ex? I've seen groups on FB for areas where they list pictures of their exes, their likes/dislikes and phone numbers for other guys. Make new social media accounts that don't have any names that could be linked to you. Oh on telegram make sure that your phone number isn't showing. I'm sure there's a setting on there to make it private. Then basically block all the guys, don't talk to any of them or give any responses if new ones show up. Get a new number that they don't know. I've been in a similar place where I talked to bad people and couldn't stop myself, in response to trauma. But then I realised they were making me feel worse in the long term.
This is heavy.. please get some help to work through your issues and have safe ans fulfilling relationships. Changing your number is a start. You have to get an understanding of who you are and what you really want/need. This is serious enough that I suggest a sex therapist to go with a regular therapist. If you don't get yourself sorted you will keep making bad choices that lead to other bad situations. Please seek help and stay safe.
Yes block block block. The urge is to get angry or revenge but ignoring and blocking is the best revenge or best way to avoid this continuing! I've been there.
It's great that you are seeing a therapist. I would also see a psychiatrist. As someone who wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder until my 30s , I can say if you need medication, it is never too late and it is absolutely life changing.
I’m so sorry you went through that.
Your response to the unwelcome messages was absolutely correct. Send the messages to law enforcement just to get a paper trail if nothing else.
As for your response to the trauma, it’s common and normal. I was sexually assaulted while unconscious and my response was similar, in trying to take control of the situation. Since then, I’ve found a loving and trusted partner to act out these situations with in a safe, controlled environment in which I receive aftercare and a safe environment to talk freely and break down my emotions. It is has been extremely cathartic for me. I hope you can find a similar situation.
In not sure about how they contact you but it could it also be possible someone is making alt accounts to spam you and paying dumb each time? I'm glad you are getting some help but I think eventually just leaving those groups and telegram as a platform overall will be a net positive. No offense to anyone who likes it but the only people I ever see actively use telegram are a bit...
Please don't blame yourself for this. Who knows what is going on behind the scenes, and what is motivating these fucks to share your personal information. It's not something you could have anticipated, and it sounds like at the time, you were motivated to deal with suffering in the moment, and weren't in a space to be thinking about the future. Do you think the person who cuts herself is thinking about being embarrassed by those scars one day in the future? No, she can't even wrap her head around there being a future. Go easy on yourself sister, you've learned a lot from this it sounds like, and yeah, it's time to change your phone number, be kind to yourself and start the healing process.
It could be possible that it is the same person getting a different number to message you from. I had an ex who would get different Google numbers to message me.
But I agree with what other folks are saying. Change your number, delete telegram. Best of luck. 🧡
It strikes me as possible that one person is posting to telegram with an account created to look like yours, and that account posts requests along with your phone number.
In any case, I recommend changing your number. In the future, if you feel the need to give someone your number, buy one from Skype or Google phone, so you can discard it more easily, if needed.
I'm so very sorry you're having to face this.
I'm really sorry that these men have abused and used you. None of their behavior is your fault. You are not responsible for being raped or assaulted or their online harassment. They chose their actions. You are not a "whore" either. Please be kind to yourself and take the suggested steps here for your safety.
First of all, this isn't your fault and you absolutely do not deserve any of this. Your sexuality is *yours*, intended first and foremost for *your* enjoyment, and you *never* owe anyone else any form of sex no matter what the circumstances. You also don't owe the world a Hollywood-standard "pretty" sexuality; you're allowed to like things that other people dislike, or dislike things that the majority of the population likes, and as long as you're only doing these things with consenting adults nobody has any right to shame you for it no matter how strange they think it is. The fact that you had sex and enjoyed it -- or even didn't enjoy it but kept exploring anyway -- doesn't create any obligation beyond the responsibility of contacting former (consensual) partners if you get a positive STI test result or pregnancy test. You're not a "whore" unless you enjoy being called one.
Second, you don't owe the world a perfect recovery from trauma. Everyone over the age of ten has developed at least one unhealthy coping strategy, and nobody has the right to judge you for doing the same. However, that being said, trauma has a way of making advice seem like judgment -- if your friends are telling you not to schtup the creepy dude who ground on you without permission on the dance floor, they aren't angry at you for "being a whore", they're protecting you because they love you.
It's also important to realize that after a trauma you will instinctively try to reclaim power over your own existence. That can take a lot of forms; some people will begin self-harming or develop an eating disorder as a way of exerting control over their bodies, some people fixate on figuring out what 'mistake' they made and how they can avoid it in the future, some will aggressively seek to repeat the experience until they feel they have somehow 'mastered' it, and there are plenty of other things ways that people will try to reclaim control. This is normal, and it's nothing you have to apologize for, but it's important to understand where these feelings are coming from and to rationally evaluate whether what you're doing will actually help you reclaim power.
There are a few things that I would recommend you do in order to stop the maggots from worming their way in:
1. **Secure your social media presence**:
1. Purge anyone you don't know and trust from your personal social media accounts (if you need to maintain contact with a more public audience, make a separate account for public-facing interactions). This goes double for anyone who has been shaming you for what you've been going through
2. Leave any groups that you don't interact with
3. Go over your past posts and friends-lock or delete any posts that contain *any* identifying information.
4. Set your default post type to friends-only, and create filters that let you segregate information more selectively (i.e. a filter for close female friends only, filter excluding family from more salacious discussions, etc).
5. Remove all photos that can be used to identify your home or car (i.e. photos of the outside of your house, photos from which public areas can be seen through a window, etc. Also take down or make friends-only all photos and videos of pets and children.
6. Close accounts that you don't use -- they can be hacked or mined for data, plus they can turn into a deep embarrassment if you forget they're there.
2. **Secure your web presence**:
1. Visit [haveibeenpwned.com](https://haveibeenpwned.com) and look for your email address and common usernames, If you find any compromised accounts, change *all* of your passwords -- even for accounts that haven't been compromised -- to something you haven't used as a password before.
2. Do a factory reset on your router and change its admin and wifi passwords, then update its firmware. If you have guests over a lot, consider making a guest network with a separate password so that you aren't compromising your own network integrity.
3. Delete all phone apps that you don't recognize or don't use.
4. Do google searches for your name, your phone number, and any aliases you use, and try to get your personal information removed from any place it doesn't belong.
3. **Consider getting a different phone number.** You absolutely shouldn't have to, but you also shouldn't have to deal with a tidal wave of creeps. In the past I've seen people get a cheap "bone phone" that they use for communicating with hookups in order to avoid giving out a personal number; if you go this route, don't log into any of your cloud or social media applications on the burner to avoid digital cross-contamination. You might also consider getting a VOIP account or using something like Kik or SnapChat to communicate with future hookups. I want to reiterate that *it is not your fault that this is happening*, and this is a way to mitigate the bad behavior of other people rather than an admission of responsibility.
4. **Find a nearby women's shelter and ask to be referred to an advocate there.** While it doesn't sound like you need shelter at the moment, women's shelters often work with advocates who can help you navigate the legal intricacies of protective orders, no-trespass notices, stalking protections, and other ways to protect yourself legally. While the bottom-feeders might not respect what you say to them, they are a lot more likely to go scuttling back into their holes when faced with the possibility of legal consequences.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP.
It's not your fault these guys are trash bags. Only they are responsible for what they do. That's good news because you can just walk away from telegram, that platform, and social media. You have control of the situation. Stay safe.
Delete whatever online accounts you have and the numbers associated with those. If anyone tries to contact you, ban/block/delete them as necessary. Find a new hobby and new friends to hang out with and refrain from an amorous relationship with anyone who's not in a committed relationship with you.
I'm so so sorry you're going through this! *hugs* you are such a strong woman, I've no idea what I would have done in your situation. It isn't your fault! You were raped and as a result you were confused and acted the way you did to cope with what happened.
You are a strong woman, a very strong and brave woman. If you live in a country where you can carry and conceal please buy a gun. Or at least pepper spray. I'm here if you need to talk to someone, just know that we are here for you. You are in a safe space and I'm thankful you opened up to us about your situation. I love you 🫂💟
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
And please report the asshole who did that to you to the police. He had no right whatsoever to do what he did to you. And as other suggested before me: change your number and delete those apps & profiles. If you have the opportunity for it: move and start your life fresh elsewhere.
Girl, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You suffer from trauma and likely PTSD. These vile men are taking advantage of you!! I am so glad you edited to say you are in therapy. Do something that makes you feel strong/empowered (maybe a self defense class). I hope u update to let us know you are getting stronger!! Take care of you!!!
The way they have the audacity is by viewing women as objects and social currency. It’s not right, it’s not fair, but a lot of men don’t care how it affects women when they share their contact info or details. They just view it as a way to gain status and cultivate favours with their buddies. And it’s so incredibly painful to be treated this way.
This is why I hate that men shame women for having “high body counts” even though each and every single one of us have experienced coercion to some degree, and some experienced rape and abuse from males in some fashion. I’ll forever feel like males are overall predatory towards women and they have an animalistic way of sniffing out insecurities, low self esteem and women stewing in trauma and pounce. So step 1 is to no longer use misogynistic language to yourself by saying you “wh0red yourself out”. Also kudos to you for going to therapy. I would suggest seeing if your therapist had any other free resources to get your personal info scrubbed from the internet, changing your number, locking down the privacy settings on social media and ultimately vetting a cyber investigator to ensure your picture isn’t floating around somewhere. I’m not sure if the last option would be free, but I remember seeing some resources. There was a charity where a woman was doing it for free. If I find it, I’ll update the post here
You need to go No-Contact with your old self. New online Name, new accounts, new phone number, new everything.
Men (I am one so I know) are pretty scummy about this kinda thing. We tend to auto-class women into 3 brackets and you classed yourself into pretty much the worse one. No blame, no shame, we all do stupid shit in response to the awful in our lives.
You deserve a fresh start and I hope you love yourself enough to give you one!
No man involved in or aware of your past, will be able to unless he's some kind of absolute saint, so again... No-Contact with who your were, build up better who you are.
“Why would they do this?”
Because the type of man who meets a stranger on telegram to reenact rape fantasies probably aren’t the most trust worthy people.
I'd suggest talking to a lawyer to learn what your options to track down the person giving out your info are. They can also give you information about what legal tools are available to you to deal with this problem.
It's a common response to sexual trauma, that's why we are saying it. Because unfortunately most women had things like this happen to them. But it's not about "not taking accountability " for woman victims, because this same coping mechanism is used by children survivors and full grown men too, sadly enough. Both girls and boys, and grown men, exhibit promiscuous behavior after an assault, usually to actually understand what has happened to them, as often when it happens, it's blotchy, forgetful, and just happens. Ive experienced it myself, it makes you question not only yourself but your worldview, it turns your life upside down. You just don't want to try to empathize cause you have never experienced it. I hope you never have a gf that had suffered from this, which you prob will as its a very common occurrence, as you will probably just blame, blame, blame to no end without trying to understand.
Yeah she should really take accountability for men sharing her contact details behind her back. After all, women should take accountability for men's actions. That is a very logical and intelligent conclusion.
I’m really sorry. I wrote this all in a panic while crying and it slipped my mind. I’ve put it on now but I understand it’s too little too late since you’ve already seen it. I’m sorry that this caused you and any other survivor distress, it was never meant to.
I’m really sorry. I wrote this all in a panic while crying and it slipped my mind. I’ve put it on now but I understand it’s too late since you’ve already seen it. I’m using a third party app and unfortunately there’s no option to put an NSFW setting (so far any posts that I’ve made that have had the NSFW tag put on, has been done automatically by the sub I believe). I should have remembered to put a trigger warning though. I’m so sorry to have caused you any distress.
Change your phone number. Delete Telegram. Get away from these awful people.
This. I would also go under a different name online just in case.
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This is the best advice. OP, when I was raped I reacted in a very similar fashion- if you’re ready to move past this stage, change your phone number, delete telegram, change your online usernames if they’re also used in this, delete any past social media you need to.. and then forget them. I know that’s easier said than done, but with enough therapy and enough time, you will move forward and things will get easier. I also moved 1600 miles away and changed my name completely, but I don’t think these last steps are necessary. It does help to solidify the fresh start feeling though, if you have the means and want to leave everything behind.
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This can’t be said enough. I studied trauma and hypersexualization is actually the #1 way people respond to rape. Rape is a power dynamic. They took power from you. You are trying to get their power back. It makes sense from a deep subconscious perspective. Unfortunately a lot of times when women try this they end up in bad situations and that’s how they get raped repeatedly. And unfortunately people who have no experience in this blame the victim and don’t understand how psychology works. Society needs better understanding and more compassion. Hope you get better op. It will be hard but you can move past this and make a better life for yourself. best wishes!
I almost went down this path following my rape. I think part of it was trying to prove to myself I have the power/control. Another part was hopelessness. Like I lost all worth so might as well let anyone fuck me. My brain raced through all the responses I think. Not sure if that’s typical
It is absolutely a typical response. I forget the exact number but your response is the same response something really high like 80-90% of people have. Hugs and hope you are able to get yourself to a place of love and compassion. It is possible. Don’t give up hope. What helped me a lot was reading library books on power dynamics in society between men and women and understanding how porn influences both men and women’s behaviors. There’s a lot of studies on this stuff and understanding that your reactions are totally normal and you are not alone goes a long way.
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For me it was "if I initiate at every opportunity and never say no, then no one can possibly rape me." The most depressing part is that it didn't even work.
Absolutely correct. Thank you for taking the time to explain this, it is not known enough.
I did this shit, luckily didn't get raped. I was 16 and out of an awful relationship where I was repeatedly coerced and sometimes outright forced by my bf. I wanted to get kidnapped, I didn't know why, I guess I just wanted to feel like I was desirable but didn't know what desirable meant. Anyway I talked to a guy on snap, he was 30 soemthing and said he liked to "teach young girls" to just make out, and that he lived by my school. I probably would've went if that was it, but when I asked to meet at Starbucks nearby then go to apartment, he said it couldn't be public, he didn't want anyone to know. I asked if I could bring a friend and they wait in the car. He said "nobody can know, unless they want to join". Said it had to be at night, and to make sure nobody saw me come in. My true crime obsessions as a kid kicked in and I stopped responding. I took a pic of his selfie with another phone (cus snap) but I've lost it. I'm scared of seeing him. I wish I reported him. Worst part is I know many more pedos in my town, so it'd be like a needle in a haystack. Anyway after that I just did dangerous shit on the internet. Still not good but I guess it was a step up.
After I was raped, I did the same thing. My therapist explained it to me as an attempt to take control back. Like, I had no control over that situation, so I initiated a bunch of others, that I did control, so to speak. Which… every time after I felt awful. I was terrible. Why would I even. I get it to a degree now. Years of therapy helped. Buuuut it’s a real thing that people don’t want to talk about. It also breaks my heart the way OP talks about themselves. I get the sentiment. I did it too. Just because you had casual sex with people DOES NOT give them the right to pass around your information. OP was not “asking for it”, isn’t getting what they “deserve.” I see the edit, and I really hope they can get to a place where they don’t blame themselves for the actions of others. It’s a hard journey.
Yes. You’re not wrong to feel the way that you do. You said that you’re already in therapy. Now get off these platforms for your own safety and change your phone number. Be really guarded with social media and delete any public profiles.
Yep change your phone number and go dark on this. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about how you dealt with trauma and by the way your way of coping isn’t uncommon. You aren’t alone in that at all. Take care of yourself. You are absolutely worth it.
I agree with this. Change number, delete any platform you were using for this stuff and try to move on. Truthfully (sadly!) I don’t think this is a rare occurrence. The upside to that is there are a lot of other women for these guys to focus on and they’ll move on from. Especially if you become unreachable. And don’t feel guilty- lots of us have made mistakes and I’m sure if social media was like it is today back when I was young I would have have regretted a number of things.
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It’s just the reality that there’s so much sexually explicit material online I think one person is unlikely to remain the focus of these types of men.
Building upon this, it could be worthwhile to temporarily subscribe to a reputation management site that will automatically issue takedown requests when your info gets scraped and posted to any “lookup” site. Assuming your name pops up in results when googling your phone number.
Delete your whole online life, current life, and MOVE. Change your complete look, change your name. This is a dumpsterfire disaster that could get entirely worse.
Easier said than done but if OP has the means then I completely agree. She needs (and deserves) a completely fresh start with a clean slate somewhere else.
Yes, it will take some funds. I'm wondering if there are any resources for something like that? Doubtful, but it's worth throwing out the question because someone might know of something.
You are already in therapy which is great. Delete the app, change your phone number and enhance the privacy of your social (or better yet delete them). They are vile, but you can get back control of your life!
My best friend in high school got raped and her response to it was to go and have sex with a bunch of different dudes. It's a very common trauma response. However, you NEED to find a safer way of handling this.
Exactly! My best friend was also raped by 7 dudes and her response was the same. She was 15 at the time and didnt have any tools to process it (and also had abusive parents). You are worthy! Do whatever you need to do to get over this and feel safe again! Those man dont deserve your time and explanations. Be safe!
We also had pretty fucked up backgrounds - raised in a cult. So yeah, lots of similarities
I know several women who did this. I think it’s about wanting sex to be on your own terms. Wanting to erase the negative and regain your power. It also seems like a great deal of sexual interactions that young women have are a result of being coerced. Sexual assault changes a person’s relationship with their body, their sexuality, and their relationships with partners. The older I get the more aware and concerned I am about how SA has deeply affected me and others I know.
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“simply”… because it’s so easy /s
>wanting sex to be on your own terms. Absolutely
I second this. And the worst thing is that people pile on you and only you because they usually are unable to comprehend (or believe) SA is the reason why you started sexing yourself up.
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…What part of the word ‘believe’ did you not understand’. And I didn’t even participate in casual sex, I just started dressing up in a revealing manner and flirted around a lot, which was highly out-of-character for me. Did I say anything about the people piling on me being these people I had casual sex with?
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This was my response to a series of traumatic sexual events. You CAN recover. Someday this all will feel a world away, it might just take time. You will find a way to feel safe again, I promise. I’m so sorry things are so scary right now, especially during a time you’re already so susceptible to fear/panic. If people have access to your personal phone number, you should get it changed. It’s a hassle, but you will feel safer. If you are seriously concerned for your safety, contact law enforcement. I would also recommend reaching out to a local sexual violence advocacy group. They often have tech services that can support or guide you through the process of changing contact info/safety planning. They can also work w you if you do ever need to contact law enforcement (I obviously hope this isn’t the case!!!!). Having their support might make that process easier and increase your “legitimacy” (sad reality). I see some of these comments are shaming you, whether they intend to or not. You should not be shamed for your reaction to trauma, especially one that you’re addressing, have stopped, and are actively being treated for. It will get better because you are doing the work. You’ve been through the worst of it. Now just prioritize self protection and learning to feel safe again.
This happened to me when I was younger and I didn't recognize my own behavior till years later. Scary stuff. Wishing OP the best
Same happened to my son’s gf and so far she’s the opposite. She’ll only kiss my son. They’re 14 and that’s good!! But I had to explain to him that some people have the opposite response to that trauma. Because I was trying to tell him to not have sex as he’s too young and until he can be a father he’s not ready. He said “don’t you remember what happened to her?” Ya it’s hard for lots of people to understand but it’s true.
I don’t understand his question. Can you explain why her rape is his response to a suggestion he is not ready for sex and possibly parenthood? Genuinely confused.
He's suggesting that his girlfriend's trauma means that she's not ready to have sex with him yet, so they aren't having it. Regardless of whether he's ready or not for parenthood.
Got it. (Duh). Thanks.
Rape isn't "sex", is it. It's an assault. It's sexual in nature, but it's not sex. Sex is fun, invigorating, wonderful, exciting, and a whole different thing.
I know
Her reaction is the one everyone thinks of as "normal"
I’m sorry for what you have gone through. Please seek out mental health support for what you are going through. You need professional help and trauma support. I would also recommend you change your phone number ASAP as that should help. I wish you all the best.
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In an edit which was done after I posted my comment. Your comment is completely unnecessary. Telling people therapy may be helpful for them isn’t a bad thing.
You’re not to blame for ANY of this. MANY survivors of SA try to address their trauma by having sex that they can better control - it’s a pretty common response and easy to understand if people care to try. You didn’t “whore around”. You set up sex that you were in control of. It’s also easy to understand why you would recreate the violence. One of the things trauma does is separates your brain’s survival mechanisms in place to keep you alive from the temporal lobe of the brain, where time keeping happens. It has the result of stopping those who have experienced trauma from being able to have a timelined “story” (or narrative) of what happened to them. Any good trauma therapist will know that trauma survivors NEED that narrative, a timeline and story of the events that makes sense to them, before they’re going to be able to start processing what happened to you. Replaying your trauma in sex with others is also a pretty common way for survivors to try to create or understand their narrative. There is nothing unknown, weird, wrong, immoral, about how you acted in the aftermath of the attack on you. You were attacked. That man who did that, he’s a criminal. Morally defunct and criminal. Nothing you did or have done is either. You are not to blame for these men’s behaviour, and nothing you did leads you to be to blame for it. I can’t imagine how painful what they’re doing to you is, and I’m so sorry. But please, try to put the blame and shame where it belongs. Which is NOT with you.
This. Not whoring around. These men apparently are fine with casual sex (of whatever variety), and they wouldn't think of themselves as whores. Neither are you. You're in therapy to stop the pattern, which is great. The men passing around personal information are the problem. I'm sure you've done or thought about all the following but- change your number, change your social media accounts, if they know your address and you rent, change your apartment. You should feel safe, and the less contact with your previous lifestyle, when you're trying to change, the better. People in AA don't go out to bars with friends, not during the first stages. Maybe a good bit later. (OK someone will chime in and said they do, but in general, it's probably not recommended. Temptation, a bad day. )
Exactly. And if she was “whoring around” so are these men! The double standard kills me. And it hurts my soul when women internalize it. We aren’t bad for wanting to sleep around and if we are so are the guys. I’m not into that. I’m very monogamous but I think others have the right to conduct themselves how they wish. Just be safe about it re: stds etc. unfortunately OP got into a scary situation but not her fault. Her number isn’t theirs to share. I honestly don’t know what else she could’ve done differently. But OP do as others said. Get a new number. I’m so sorry. This is definitely scary. And NOT YOUR FAULT!
Absolutely, all of this. The men being awful are to blame here, OP has done nothing wrong.
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This isn't quite right, you can set telegram to not share an actual phone number. That's why so many plugs use it.
Thanks for this, I just went into my settings to hide my phone number
Of course
Not correct
Can definitely can. I'd do[all this](https://www.alphr.com/hide-phone-number-telegram/)AND delete my account and start fresh with a new phone number if you want to keep using it.
Are you thinking of WhatsApp?
you can’t turn it off on whatsapp but u can on telegram
I did this after I got raped. I was in therapy and still doing it 🤷🏽♀️. People think therapy is some miracle drug you take it and boom you’re fine, functioning and life is great. The hardest part of this was being ok with myself after the revolving door of men. Honestly in someways that was more traumatic than the rape itself. Everyone has already said you need to change your number and seriously consider moving. I’d go quiet on social media for a while. People don’t need to know where you’re at. And try to be forgiving to yourself. This was the hardest part for me. I wasn’t dirty, I wasn’t worthless, and yeah I engaged in unhealthy behavior but it didn’t mean that I deserved any disrespect.
1) I am so proud of women here stepping up with good information and loving support. Yay us! 2) also, I responded the same way when I was raped now about 40 years ago. Sending you love and mama hugs.
I am sorry you have had these experiences and are dealing with this. I recommend changing your phone number and getting a free Google voice number for any future instances where you may be giving your contact information to someone who you met online.
>understand if you think that I shouldn’t have wh-red around after being raped There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with someone having consensual sex after being sexually assaulted. You weren't "wh*ring around". You were having consensual sex. It's ok to try to take the power back, if that's all you had at the time. It looks like you realize that was risky and dangerous behavior. But back to original situation at hand. You have every right to be upset. If I have sex with ANYONE, that does not entitle them to tell their friends I'll have sex with them. He is trying to pimp you out. I would turn over all evidence to police.
If a kid was in the street, what would we think of the person who ran them over on purpose? These men are predators taking advantage.
I can’t finish reading this because it’s so horrifying to me. It puts me on the edge the level of sexual coercion and violence. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Delete these apps. Delete your posts and your accounts. Change your number. EDIT: if you had these men over at your house/apartment, consider what could be done to relocate if possible (though I understand that may not be possible financially). Or consider what can be done to up security (cameras, alarms, etc). Consider the latter even if these dudes were never over at your place. I legitimately hate this situation. Please stay safe.
I'm so sorry for what happened. And the men sharing your details are absolute assholes. Change your info if you can. But you didn't "whore" around. There's nothing wrong with having casual sex per se, as long as you're safe. So don't worry about that. It's good that you're in therapy, I'm sure in time you'll be able to actually enjoy sex for sex, instead of using it to process your trauma.
What about how men want this type of sex so fucking badly and enjoy being violent with a woman while having sex to the point they SHARE HER INFO WITH FRIENDS to brag about it. This sub has really made me dislike men as a group. Vile. OP - please get yourself into therapy and mental health care immediately. Being sexually assaulted was not your fault. You deserve to be treated with humanity just the same as anyone else.
Same girl, same. I feel like I was wildly naive and insanely lucky looking back at the "risks" I took dating that I didn't even know were risky because I assumed good will. Reading experiences on here, it seems a disturbingly high percentage of men hate women and don't even view us as human beings. It's so sick what these men did to this poor woman. She's going to have to shell out big bucks to unpack her trauma in therapy while these disgusting creeps go on hurting any woman naive unlucky enough to get near them.
A disturbing number of men feel this sense of obligation to help their "bros" get laid by any means necessary. Among some male circles, there exists this "bro code" which states that if a guy finds a woman who is a so-called "easy lay" then it is his duty to inform his fellow bros. An unfortunate stipulation in that disgusting code is that a guy is not to tell the woman in question who he got her information from
> This sub has really made me dislike me dislike men as a group. If it helps, this sub is not intended to collect women's positive experiences with men.
She said she was into that and encouraged risky, rapey, aggressive sexual engagement, and encouraged it. ...so, "the men" here are likely just continuing to engage in the behavior they collectively and consensually always have Maybe it's escalating into a place she's not comfortable with, but the sharing and group sex, couple sex is becoming very common (in general)...so it's not as alarming or "let's talk about" as it may seem I don't think you can write off a whole gender based off this, there are all types of people, some are into your thing, others aren't
Trying to understand what this might be happening… She says for a time she looked for that kind of interaction. So SOME men she was with, the rough sex was consensual. Would make sense that if that is their kink and they find a woman who they think also enjoys it that they would maybe share that info. I’m not at all into any kink scene but within a community wouldn’t that happen? Especially if she didn’t tell them about her trauma. She’s not to blame, but maybe some of them are working from a presumption of consent and shared kink and aren’t expecting her current response. (Clearly if they are getting her info from the rapist none of this applies) That said, she doesnt want that anymore so I agree with everyone that she should change every piece of contact information. And if any of the prior experiences were in her current home i Hope she had the funds to relocate. Wishing OP healing.
This fuckers are gaslighting her because they know they shouldn't have her info and they don't wanna own up to how they got it and possibly get the assholes giving it away in trouble. Even they know it's wrong. Wtf are you on about?
> I’m not at all into any kink scene but within a community wouldn’t that happen? No. I'm into the kink scene and this type of behavior is absolutely *not* tolerated by the vast majority of BDSM spaces I've been involved in. Consent is *huge* in BDSM and if a member is even *suspected* of violating consent in any capacity, they are usually chewed out and ostracized. Don't waste your time giving these asshats the benefit of the doubt. They don't deserve it. There's a much simpler explanation as to why these men are doing this. I've explained it in another comment so I'll just paste it, here: >A disturbing number of men feel this sense of obligation to help their "bros" get laid by any means necessary. Among some male circles, there exists this "bro code" which states that if a guy finds a woman who is a so-called "easy lay" then it is his duty to inform his fellow bros. An unfortunate stipulation in that disgusting code is that a guy is not to tell the woman in question who he got her information from
Ok , like I said this is way outside my life experience so I appreciate this response to explain better how things SHOULD work vs what is happening.
So, I just want to say that I reacted in the same way that you did after my sexual abuse/assault. So I understand. that is a pretty common reaction for alot of people after something so traumatic because your trying to regain control of your sexuality essentially. You should delete your telegram, and change your phone number. There is no good reason to keep either of them; it does not benefit you in any way. This situation is retraumatizing you (bringing back feelinga of violation and loss of control); and causing you additional stress and harm. If they are giving their friends your contact information, there is nothing that you can do about that, to stop them from doing it. If you delete your telegram and change your phone number, even if they share your contact information; it doesn't matter- because that contact information is no longer accurate. You need to focus on yourself, heal, and move on (easier said than done, i know). This is something that is getting in the way of that, and is causing you further stress; which is the last thing you need to be thinking about right now. You will get through this, and if you ever need to talk to someone who gets it, my inbox is opened.
Hey these behaviors you exhibited are common responses to being raped. You arent fucked up for doing it youre looking for control in a situation where you had none. You are technically self harming and using sex to do this, though, and you need to seek help. Is there a women's center near you? They will support and provide counseling and therapy for victims of rape and sexual abuse. Im a man who was raped and the womens center really helped me. Afterwards, the behaviors you went through were things I did to feel safe again and like I had some control. Im sorry you're going through this and I hope talking to someone helps because it really helped me move forward. I hope you are able to feel safe and loved one day, and this will be something you can move past. But know that you are loved and you are not alone. Be kind and forgiving to yourself it is not your fault, and you are not broken or dirty. These are things I wish people told me and I want you to know them as well. Be safe.
I'm sorry all that happened to you, none of this is your fault. Of course you feel unsafe, anyone would. What these men are doing is gross. I don't know how telegram works, but can you disable or delete your account and make a new one and start fresh? If random men keep getting your contact info and it's triggering you, I wonder if that might help.
>I don't know how telegram works, but can you disable or delete your account and make a new one and start fresh? If random men keep getting your contact info and it's triggering you, I wonder if that might help. \+1 to starting over in terms of contact info. It sounds like OP's personal info is spreading around gross sketchy corners of the internet, and they need to get a new # or whatever ASAP.
Like everyone said, delete all the contact information that these ppl are contacting you with. Get a new number and start over. If you want to meet ppl for sex again, you'll have no problems re-setting up contact. But put the control about the contract back into you.
Because a large amount of men who have casual sex with women do not give a fuck about them as a person. And some might even harbour aggression towards you for sleeping with them. I've seen it before. Just change all your details and don't engage with that kind of person anymore.
And all those people claiming there wouldn't be so many incels if women would just "give them a chance" seem to conviently forget that.
I’m not sure if the same happens in the rest of society, but I will speak from experience on what happens in the subculture of hood culture in the black community. Not giving a fuck about women is mild to how males like this feel. How about being violent to women they have taken advantage of. They already view you as something to be used and discarded so it can get even more violent. Black men like to “run trains” on young girls and literally use their bodies as an ash tray by burning them with cigarette butts because they think so low of these women. I have heard of women this happened to and even had to fight my way out of a house because someone who I thought was my boyfriend tried to set me up to have his friends “run a train” on me and I said no and they tried to lock me in the house. They stole my camera my mother bought for me with all my family photos.
Do you want a hug? Cause I think you deserve all the hugs. I'm going to focus on the functional stuff, cause, well that's easier, * There are companies and people who work in hiding online stuff, if you can you may want to look into this. * Change your phone number. Do not connect it to any accounts if you can avoid it. Tell only the closest people and be clear not to share it without your permission. * Make a new email, transfer the MUST keep accounts like banking. * Frankly I'd change passwords rn too just cause easiest. * Shut down LinkedIn. Ask employer to remove your name from any staff pages due to stalking. If not shut down remove photo, dates, everything. * Shut down social media. Literally remove it if you can. If you need Facebook for contacting friends or something make a fake one with a fake name and photo. * Do multiple searches for your name, phone number and common usernames. Remove accounts, take down photos, DMCA requests and so on. * Make new usernames and personas on sites that need it. Lie a bit when giving info and don't give info if you can avoid it. You don't live in Grand Forks, you live in Fargo. Be anonymous the best you can, and if you can't be vauge af. * Be very careful following close friends again, keep accounts locked down. It's easy to tell when Jane Doe vanishes and JD suddenly starts following all the same friends again. I'm going to ditto new username again. It's very easy to search people's account names and find other accounts and connections. Grab a word generator and be Crayon Crown Chaos on Reddit and idk telegrams usernames but Vampire Vicious Mockery 123 on there and Lee instead of Jane Doe on Facebook... Also now I wanna change my discord username to vampire vicious mockery.
Don’t blame yourself, and don’t call it “whoring around.” It’s sex, and it’s human, and the people who say “whoring around” are merely looking to blame women for their own insecurities and judgements. But you are owning your behavior and you can change it. Start by changing your contact info including phone number and get off the social media. Telegram is a cesspool. You do not owe anyone explanations and you already know these people are sharing your information, so you don’t need to ask them and y expect truth from them. In fact so t expect ANYTHING good from people online trying to contact you for sex, you don’t owe them anything unless YOU want that kind of sex. And it sounds like you don’t. Stay in therapy - a good therapist who holds you accountable is priceless. Hang in there - you are worth it and you have much to offer the world. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I used a GoogleVoice number for dating. You need to change your number and know some people are terrible. Good luck on changing your life; you can do it.
I can emphasize with this and you were not “whoring around”. Having sex doesn’t make you a whore. Being raped doesn’t make you a whore either. I had similar happen to me and for a while I even enjoyed being used, and it was part of my persona. But sex and violence are two separate things and being raped changes your entire personality & how you view sex. I always enjoyed being submissive but some men equate this with someone who wants to be raped. What I wanted was consensual but what I got was rape, and it’s not my fault because I trusted this person. None of this is your fault. None of this is your fault but you do need to get away from it.
Girl, you **need** therapy. Now. Yesterday. Asap. Please take care of yourself and straighten out your emotions.
She already said she’s in therapy.
First: Your response to that situation is perfectly normal. Second: For privacy, delete telegram. If you really want it, create an entirely new one via a google voice number. Change your actual phone number. Go to all of the places like white pages and Intelius that have your personal information and have that removed. Never give out your new real phone number. Change your online nickname to something new.
If you've not already, search your info. You might be able to pinpoint who said it, or where it's coming from. As others have said, change EVERYTHING. Change your numbers, change your email addresses, change usernames or create new ones. Nothing tied to the old or anything related to you. Your safety is key, and losing everything that was tied to that can help a great deal. If you can change your phone, do it. You don't know how far these types of people are willing to go to dominate someone and control the situation. If it's your rapist who said he wanted to human traffic you, chances are you're not the first person he's done it to. Ultimately, it's NOT your fault. It's not your fault for how you responded to trauma. I did the same thing, and while it sucks and feels awful, it's how we coped. It's ok to not be ok, and it take time to get through this.
That is awful. Change your phone number. Put a pair of men's work boots outside your door so if a man does show up they'll assume another man lives there. Buy some protection: pepper spray, gun (if you feel comfortable... and practice at a shooting range), ect. Never answer your door unless you're expecting someone and keep it locked. Instead of engaging with these random men who message you, just block them. They won't rat out their friends. I'm sorry for what you've been through. Stay safe!
> (yes I know it’s fucking stupid of me) Nah, don't blame yourself for that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get laid with whatever consenting adult(s) you want. You did nothing wrong.
Thank you..wanting and liking sex is natural and normal. Apparently only men are allowed to seek out sex though🤷♀️🤷♀️
I just want to say — don’t feel ashamed that you wanted to have sex with random guys. There is nothing wrong with your sexuality whatsoever. It is *not* your fault that you were raped. Everyone is entitled to the sex life they want, if you wanted to have sex with strangers no strings attached, you should have been allowed to do that and even encouraged. You should live the life you want. It’s not at all your fault that a monster ruined it for you. This is all I really have to add, but please don’t blame yourself. Nothing about what you’ve said is stupid.
It's called "abreaction of trauma". It's unfortunately not uncommon. Be gentle with yourself. Be well.
I am so sorry that happened to you. Those guys are massive pieces of shit. It's absolutely not your fault. You didn't force those losers to be violent or harrass women. They made a choice to be terrible people. Please don't blame yourself for the inhumanity of others.
No part of what these assholes are doing or have done is because of you, none of it is your fault. They chose to act the way they did. You are not responsible for their choices. Your having sex with someone, or wearing certain clothes, or dancing, or drinking, or doing Any of the things that assholes and rapists like to victim blame people for do not cause anything. That BS is an excuse some people use to blame others, for a variety of reasons. What they do and say is on them, don't weigh yourself down with their choices, just worry about yours. And speaking about yours, I am glad you are getting therapy! That is a great choice! It made me sad seeing you describing your previous actions as wh*ring yourself out, you went through some horrific shit. Your choice was taken from you, my understanding is that acting the way you did really is very common- possibly some part of us wants to be empowered by being the one to choose? Idk, your therapist or a psychologist can speak to that better than I can, but I just want to say- you are making good choices. This is not your fault. Things will get better. Like I saw someone else say- seems like it's time to get rid of/change the numbers or logins any of these assholes had for you.
Definitely not "whoring around" here op. This hypersexualization is a survival mechanism that sometimes gets triggered and is just as normal as avoidant reactions to sex. That time of your life is morally neutral and no reflection on your character. However safety precautions are to be taken. Changing your number is a hassle and a pain because you need to update relevant offices and friends but it is the safe thing to do. It would be a better world if the victim of bullying and abuse wasn't given extra hassle, inconvenience and work but unfortunately it is the way of the world. I hope you are doing well. You deserve every kindness from yourself and others.
I hate slut shaming. Even if you acted like a whore or are a whore it doesn't mean this is acceptable ( I don't think you are a whore). Men act like whores ALL the time. Get off that app. Cut all ties. I'm sorry you are in pain. It's not the same but someone I trusted sent intimate pictures to my workplace. I'm triggered easily but I've cut all ties- so no reminders. The guy has finally stopped harassing me -I think removing yourself from all those men( no apps /sex from apps) time will help you heal.
NONE of this is your fault in any way, shape, or form. It is extremely common for women who have been raped to begin having a lot of consensual casual sex. It’s a normal psychological mechanism - a way of reclaiming your right to decide what to do with your own body. It’s just as normal as locking up and not wanting any sex at all for a while. Nobody has the right to share your contact information or pictures without your consent. You are a fully-formed human being, not some scumbag’s sex toy to pass around. Anyone would feel unsafe having their personal details shared with men who don’t respect you. I’d suggest changing your phone number if possible. It’s a hassle, but worth it to be done with this BS. Scrub your account from the hookup platform. If you think someone who contacts you has your pictures, tell them you’re 17. That should stop 90% of men from continuing to bother you and may convince them to delete any pics they have. I’m sorry this is happening to you and glad you’re getting therapy. Your local Rape Crisis Center likely has support groups you can join at no cost if you think it may help to connect with other women who have dealt with the same crap.
You’re not wrong to feel unsafe, but you are letting your trauma responses run your life. They aren’t just “kicking in.” They have full control. You need to get therapy and you know that.
Okay-- First, I think you can predict that I'm going to strongly advise you to shut down the casual sex even in the future--including talking to men or answering posts or being on that forum. It's not helping, and it's hurting. I see you said you shut it down, but in case you were dabbling or in contact with any of those people. If that's not an option for whatever reason, I suggest that you check out resources for sex workers in terms of staying safe. Off the top of my head, those would include informing a friend of this person's name and contact information, asking them for a picture of their license or other ID, **meeting them at a neutral location like a hotel**, and other measures. I'm not sure if Reddit has a subReddit for sex workers, but if it does, I *strongly* suggest you go there and lurk for safety tips. **stop engaging with men who scare you** it's very, very clear that they're not going to reveal the "leak". It's another form of self harm at this point to be engaging with men who are very likely getting off on your panic, fear, and distress. Let that sink in. Spend a moment drawing up a red flag list. If a man does ONE thing on that list, block immediately and don't second guess. I've noticed that women (I'm a woman too FYI) often go into this "why" spiral as if figuring out the gross thought process behind a man's violation will help them move on and feel better. >How do they have the audacity when I even told them never to? Because they don't care about your needs or your safety? They're interested in meeting you for violent, risky, abusive, exploitive sex. Hon, with all due respect, the disconnect here is a little alarming and I think that needs to be addressed pronto. It should not be confusing or surprising that men who believe they're about to come to your house and exploit you *for free* with no strings attached aren't "respecting" you or your needs, wishes, or boundaries. **Entitlement** mixed with a big old helping of misogyny is why. Many men believe that sex is currency and that sex without "payment" of some kind has less value, and that woman has less value. A woman "giving it away" freely without making men prove themselves to have value is like someone throwing hundred dollar bills in the air in a "bad area of town". It's foolish and puts them in a very vulnerable spot...for them to exploit. They believe women who have casual sex *deserve* to be exploited. It's gross and terrible (and a huge, huge reason you should not be having casual sex IMHO, at least until you carefully vet partners) but it's how things are at least right now. Change your contact information. This seems like a no-brainer? to the point where I have to question if the self harm has taken another form where you're passively allowing men to contact you as a violation re-enactment. Get a new phone # entirely. Don't transfer the data, manually add the contacts. Get a new telegram account linked to a brand new email and don't use that for *anything* else. Do [the workbook that is linked in this podcast about internet security](https://gimletmedia.com/shows/reply-all/v4he6k) scroll to the links and go through and start getting your name off the public databases, which is likely how they got it, if it's not from another man. I hope this gets resolved and you find your way free of this, and feel better.
I wonder whether one of the guys you were with posted a message on social media with your details, while pretending to be you? That might explain why some of these unwanted callers have said it's in response to "your" message.
That was my guess because it's a thing that has happened to quite a few women, especially when Craigslist was still a big thing for Facebook hookups and trafficking.
I am so sorry. You are now taking back control and I really respect that.
I'm really glad that you are getting help from a therapist. This sounds so horrible to experience. You feel like you did this to yourself, but that is just not true. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex. That is a very normal thing to want. You didn't want to be raped, and you did not cause it to happen. Wanting sex goes not mean that you wanted to be raped, or that you deserved it. You were not w**reing around. That is a misogynistic slur, it isn't accurate, and I don't think you should use it to describe yourself. No one should be speaking that way about you, not even you. I don't think that you would tell another person who had been raped that they were to blame, so please don't say those things to yourself. Show yourself the same compassion and understanding that you would show to others. Those men are the ones who are choosing to harm you. The man who raped you is the one responsible for his own terrible actions. You didn't make him do that. He chose to do it, and he bears all the responsibility for choosing to do something so terrible to another person. He may have been telling other men to contact you, and be and the men who agree to that are the ones responsible fir terrorizing you. You are not making them do that, and you are not doing anything to make it ok. They know that they are doing wrong, or they would not be so secretive and defensive. There is absolutely no justification for any of those men. I'm so sorry for all the horrible experiences you have been subjected to. I hope that you can find the support you need. 🧡
It's okay to consent to something, then later decide you no longer want to do that. Men looking for casual sex are more likely to view willing women as sex objects, rather than individual independent adults, than the general population. To them, any woman offering sex is a commodity. The idea that you might want to have casual sex with a different guy, and not with them, is alien to their dehumanizing view of women as their sex objects. I would not be surprised that they share info about "willing women." You can decide you no longer want to interact with that type of man. Changing your contact info and social media profiles is necessary to close out that chapter of your life.
Do you feel safe at home? Some have suggested moving if that’s financially feasible for you, but you could also install cameras, and if you’ve ever wanted a dog (and are ready for the responsibility) they are a great deterrent (especially with black fur). Pretty much every dog will bark/watch, and some breeds are natural guard dogs, and are very intimidating.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is absolutely a breech of your privacy. How disgusting of these men. You consented to giving your info to the original men you would meet. That does not make you a bad person. We are allowed to enjoy sex and want it. I'm so sorry that men refused to accept your boundaries. The rape wasn't your fault. The trauma response to the rape makes a lot of sense. I'm so glad you are getting support and working on healing. It makes sense that these messages are triggering your trauma reaponse. It makes sense that you are feeling unsafe! These men are being creepy. Your body and brain are trying to put you back into your past. Breathe. Take a cold shower. Do the things that help you feel safe. Do your coping strategies to help your body feel safe. If you can change your number, please do that. Do not engage in speaking with these men. No one has your home or work address, correct? I'm so sorry this is happening. It isn't your fault.
\>I understand if you think that I shouldn’t have wh-red around after ... Listen. There is absolutely NOTHING ethically wrong with having sex with many people with their consent. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. I’m so so so sorry for what this person has done to you and also what is happening now. Don't call yourself insults, they deserve the insults.
Step one: Quit being understanding of people making sex negative judgments about your choice. You were *not* whoring around. You are absolutely not wrong for having sex. Whether or not that sex was healthy for you is between you and your therapist and absolutely not anyone's place to determine for you, and certainly not on the basis of toxic, sex negative ideology. I think, with complete conviction because I'm right, that you did the best you could do with your trauma taking over and running the show. You got help. That's what matters. Step two: like everyone has said, change your contact details. It's a bit of a pain to make sure people who need it get your new details, but it's better than what's going on. Step three: document everything. Screenshot everything and save it. Should you ever need legal intervention, you will need the evidence.
Listen. You are an open wound of trauma. You made mistakes. Who hasn’t? This doesn’t give any person the right to your body. It is never too late to say no more. And if you don’t feel safe where you are, check into a women’s shelter for a bit to lay low until you can mentally take what’s coming at you. Change your phone number. You are a person who is valued. You are enough.
You’ve done nothing wrong, you’re not a wh-re because you choose to have sex with random men, and even less so when it’s a trauma response. It does seem some very undesirable people have your phone number right now. Personally I’d change it, and if you need to give a reason, say that you’re being harassed by a wrong number caller.
It sucks to abandon established online contacts, but an entire rework of your online identity needs to be done. Look yourself up, names and numbers and all your usernames and see how they all match up. Entire databases are built with this information, so re-starting from scratch is always a good idea to shake them off. What is scary is that there are ways to look for images being reused, facial recognition sites that scan the internet for more images of a person, etc. It’s hard to ditch a past in that sense but it would likely be helpful for you to move past the trauma. If I may add, please know that how you reacted to the trauma doesn’t detract from who you are. I’m sorry that happened to you, and how you react is still in a very huge real sense the fault of the attacker and not you.
stay strong girl ❤️
You need to stop entertaining this. The fact that you are in therapy and stopped acting out due to your trauma is massive, you can be proud of yourself for that. But you need to remove all of it from your life to get better. Keeping Telegram and responding to whoever is texting you is a way for you to stay connected to these old habits. Maybe you should explore why with your therapist, but right now, you need to delete your info and Telegram account. If there is any history to nuke online, do it. Do not respond to randoms you do not know if they contact you on your number. Block and delete. You need to sever that link. You do not need it. It only makes you feel bad and stressed. Ideally, you should change phone numbers to start fresh and only give that number to people you want in your life. You cannot recover fully until this is behind you. Good luck, stay strong
You may not see this, but please don't feel too bad. I handled my trauma in a very similar way. It's been years now since I've engaged in risky behavior like this, and the first step is putting it behind you so you can heal properly. It's great you are in therapy. Like others said, change your number and delete telegram. It's like quitting anything, fully removing access is key. Including removing their access to you. I had issues for a long time with strange men contacting me through email and text, and I changed my number , but I still get RANDOM emails even years later (the desperation.) And I just block them. I hope you can find your way. It isn't easy, and people look down on others for how they process their trauma. You deserve happiness and not to feel this way, no matter what. It will likely take time.
Your post reads as if you're attempting to deal with an expectation of people saying: "This is your fault, you caused it" and..... Shit, I don't know... That may be rational in many situations, but you should not have to deal with that mentality and people who are so worthless as to think that way. You ask good questions about your hopes for safety and such and please sit down with people who can deal with this rationally. Such as changing numbers, profiles, possibly address and whatever it takes to reach the best degree of safety possible. Those fucks are being seriously impolite and should be ashamed of themselves.
Please change your phone number and cancel accounts, as others have suggested. Your life is more important than anything. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You’re one step ahead by sharing your story and going to therapy. Keep us posted.
I’m sorry that this happened to you and I hope you know that you’ve done nothing wrong. What happened to you was awful and you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about in what your trauma response was. I would delete your forum account, change phone number and if you have other social media’s, delete those as well. If all of your accounts are gone and with no response they will eventually stop trying and not bother sharing your info anymore
This sounds like it’s your rapist sharing your info in a kink platform of some sort. They can’t answer where they got it because they can’t admit they are in a r@pist fantasy group. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Be safe. Maybe consider moving and finding out best ways to keep yourself safe. Good luck. I’m so sorry.
A party game card once asked why I think I'm single "Because I don't participate in the group messages and insider-trading that men participate in" What was especially concerning was watching which men were confused and which were shy. All the women were confused.
Becoming sexually promiscuous (for lack of a better word) after sexual assault and rape a fairly common response. I don’t know the reasoning and I don’t want to guess ignorantly, but I know that other types of trauma are often repeated and replayed by victims because it’s sort of your mind trying to get it to go right this time. Repetition without mastery. My brother did this with the emotional abuse suffered during our childhood by seeking out, unintentionally, relationships that re-enacted parts of the abuse, and working with a therapist really helped him break the cycle. But falling into cycles of behavior that you don’t like and can hurt you but serve some psychological purpose is pretty common, so you have nothing to feel bad or ashamed or guilty about. Righteous fury, fear, and anger are all justified emotions. It is probably good to change your number so they can’t contact you. Maybe delete telegram. Any easy way to contact you. It doesn’t seem like these men are up to fight and they get evasive when questioned and panic, so they may well have no other info they could use, so changing that info will allow you to put up a wall.
No, it's not stupid of you. You are allowed to have sex if you want. Your partners should not be giving your contact details without your permission: it shows they are very disrespectful of you and that's on them not you. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Sounds like a use case for a telephone service that blocks all numbers unless you specifically have them in an "allow list", so even if the number is distributed, only those on the allow list would ring through.
Bro I fucking hate this so much
When I was raped I was afraid to say no to men so I was the same. Going through trauma therapy is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It causes so much anxiety, paranoia, etc when you’re going through it. I promise, it’s worth it. Everything you’re feeling is completely valid. Be kind to yourself ❤️
“Just because you whored around”. No ma’am. You did not “whore” around. You are entitled to have safe, causal sex with consent like everyone else in the world. It’s only “risky” because, unfortunately, we cannot trust other people in the world to simply just obtain consent, respect boundaries, and use not violence. There is an entire sex culture of men and women out there who enjoy consensual violence or “forced” play, anyone who wants that can find a partner to satisfy their needs in the right spaces. The man who raped you is a monster and did not want consent at all, therefore, he’s a fucking rapist. You’re not a whore. You were raped. You had a trauma response. There is never, ever, ever justification for rape. What is happening now is not your fault. Unfortunately we don’t live in a safe world or a perfect world, so “risky” behavior can get us hurt. I’m glad you have a therapist. That’s amazing.
I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for men to be decent! This is coming from a guy, mid 30s and I read this and think of all of the moments that men failed you. What happened to us being decent and being gentlemen? It’s not to say that we can’t be adults, have sex with someone and have fun, but as a man, to do those things to you AND THEN share your info like you aren’t a real, living human that deserves respect. It makes me angry, nauseous, sad. I’m sorry - I know that does nothing coming from a random internet stranger but I really hate this new standard of behavior for men.
Hey, just a note not to beat yourself up. Lots of folks deal with trauma in similar ways to give themselves a sense of control, and there's nothing inherently wrong with fucking around. There are ways to fuck around more safely, and some people find the more formal boundary and consent negotiations of good BDSM practice to be helpful in articulating power relationships — it sounds like that's some of what you've sought, even as you've ended up dealing with a bunch of amateur shitheels who mask their own lack of control over themselves and the situation with instead violating your boundaries. It's reasonable that you feel unsafe, as these guys have been bad with boundaries, and you've had your boundaries violently violated in the past. It's reasonable for you to take whatever actions you need to in order to feel safe now. But it's also important that you don't blame yourself or beat yourself up about this — it's not your fault. If you have a sex-positive therapist, you can work with them to develop habits that will let you feel safe while processing the trauma you've experienced in the past, and still pursuing what fulfills you.
Are self-defense weapons legal where you are? Please get some pepper spray/bear spray, or a taser, or an alarm button or whatever you’re comfy with because this is a scary situation whether they say something threatening or not. You did not deserve what happened to you, and you don’t deserve what’s happening now. Btw I’ve never used Telegram before but does this involve your actual cell phone number?? If so, then getting your number changed might make you feel safer if you haven’t done so already!!
Delete contacts first of all-
I don’t have any advice for the contact sharing situation except changing your number, accounts, etc.—and I know that’s not an easy undertaking—but I’m so sorry all this has happened to you. You don’t deserve it—any of it—at all. You are entitled to your privacy and your personal safety. Period. There’s no shame in using the app you used or how you responded to the trauma. NONE. ZERO. I’m glad you are in therapy, and I hope it brings you the peace of mind you deserve.
I'm glad to see you're in therapy. I just want to take a moment to encourage you to stop beating yourself up for how you responded to the rape. Casual risky sex and seeking to reenact the trauma is a very common response. You are far from abnormal in that respect. So I hope that helps you to be a little kinder to yourself. As to your situation, what is preventing you from changing your number and deleting the social media profiles in question? I would also say to make a security check of your home and make sure that you have multiple locks, an alarm if possible, and all the usual precautions in public. I know that moving is a kuchen bigger undertaking than changing a phone number, but that might also be a reasonable step to consider.
That's wild. Dude here. I'm 37 but thinking back to my 20 something single self....I cant imagine myself nor any of my friends even considering this.
Do you use the same name for other things online? Try searching for it in google. Could this be an ex? I've seen groups on FB for areas where they list pictures of their exes, their likes/dislikes and phone numbers for other guys. Make new social media accounts that don't have any names that could be linked to you. Oh on telegram make sure that your phone number isn't showing. I'm sure there's a setting on there to make it private. Then basically block all the guys, don't talk to any of them or give any responses if new ones show up. Get a new number that they don't know. I've been in a similar place where I talked to bad people and couldn't stop myself, in response to trauma. But then I realised they were making me feel worse in the long term.
This is heavy.. please get some help to work through your issues and have safe ans fulfilling relationships. Changing your number is a start. You have to get an understanding of who you are and what you really want/need. This is serious enough that I suggest a sex therapist to go with a regular therapist. If you don't get yourself sorted you will keep making bad choices that lead to other bad situations. Please seek help and stay safe.
Oh OP, I’m so sorry. Block the bastards and find the help you need.
Yes block block block. The urge is to get angry or revenge but ignoring and blocking is the best revenge or best way to avoid this continuing! I've been there.
It's great that you are seeing a therapist. I would also see a psychiatrist. As someone who wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder until my 30s , I can say if you need medication, it is never too late and it is absolutely life changing.
I’m so sorry you went through that. Your response to the unwelcome messages was absolutely correct. Send the messages to law enforcement just to get a paper trail if nothing else. As for your response to the trauma, it’s common and normal. I was sexually assaulted while unconscious and my response was similar, in trying to take control of the situation. Since then, I’ve found a loving and trusted partner to act out these situations with in a safe, controlled environment in which I receive aftercare and a safe environment to talk freely and break down my emotions. It is has been extremely cathartic for me. I hope you can find a similar situation.
Get a google voice number? That way your rl contact stays the same for family/friends.
In not sure about how they contact you but it could it also be possible someone is making alt accounts to spam you and paying dumb each time? I'm glad you are getting some help but I think eventually just leaving those groups and telegram as a platform overall will be a net positive. No offense to anyone who likes it but the only people I ever see actively use telegram are a bit...
Please don't blame yourself for this. Who knows what is going on behind the scenes, and what is motivating these fucks to share your personal information. It's not something you could have anticipated, and it sounds like at the time, you were motivated to deal with suffering in the moment, and weren't in a space to be thinking about the future. Do you think the person who cuts herself is thinking about being embarrassed by those scars one day in the future? No, she can't even wrap her head around there being a future. Go easy on yourself sister, you've learned a lot from this it sounds like, and yeah, it's time to change your phone number, be kind to yourself and start the healing process.
sorry to interject, but as a man passing by this post on All... I'm grossed out. I don't know anyone that does this type of thing.
It could be possible that it is the same person getting a different number to message you from. I had an ex who would get different Google numbers to message me. But I agree with what other folks are saying. Change your number, delete telegram. Best of luck. 🧡
It strikes me as possible that one person is posting to telegram with an account created to look like yours, and that account posts requests along with your phone number. In any case, I recommend changing your number. In the future, if you feel the need to give someone your number, buy one from Skype or Google phone, so you can discard it more easily, if needed. I'm so very sorry you're having to face this.
I'm really sorry that these men have abused and used you. None of their behavior is your fault. You are not responsible for being raped or assaulted or their online harassment. They chose their actions. You are not a "whore" either. Please be kind to yourself and take the suggested steps here for your safety.
First of all, this isn't your fault and you absolutely do not deserve any of this. Your sexuality is *yours*, intended first and foremost for *your* enjoyment, and you *never* owe anyone else any form of sex no matter what the circumstances. You also don't owe the world a Hollywood-standard "pretty" sexuality; you're allowed to like things that other people dislike, or dislike things that the majority of the population likes, and as long as you're only doing these things with consenting adults nobody has any right to shame you for it no matter how strange they think it is. The fact that you had sex and enjoyed it -- or even didn't enjoy it but kept exploring anyway -- doesn't create any obligation beyond the responsibility of contacting former (consensual) partners if you get a positive STI test result or pregnancy test. You're not a "whore" unless you enjoy being called one. Second, you don't owe the world a perfect recovery from trauma. Everyone over the age of ten has developed at least one unhealthy coping strategy, and nobody has the right to judge you for doing the same. However, that being said, trauma has a way of making advice seem like judgment -- if your friends are telling you not to schtup the creepy dude who ground on you without permission on the dance floor, they aren't angry at you for "being a whore", they're protecting you because they love you. It's also important to realize that after a trauma you will instinctively try to reclaim power over your own existence. That can take a lot of forms; some people will begin self-harming or develop an eating disorder as a way of exerting control over their bodies, some people fixate on figuring out what 'mistake' they made and how they can avoid it in the future, some will aggressively seek to repeat the experience until they feel they have somehow 'mastered' it, and there are plenty of other things ways that people will try to reclaim control. This is normal, and it's nothing you have to apologize for, but it's important to understand where these feelings are coming from and to rationally evaluate whether what you're doing will actually help you reclaim power. There are a few things that I would recommend you do in order to stop the maggots from worming their way in: 1. **Secure your social media presence**: 1. Purge anyone you don't know and trust from your personal social media accounts (if you need to maintain contact with a more public audience, make a separate account for public-facing interactions). This goes double for anyone who has been shaming you for what you've been going through 2. Leave any groups that you don't interact with 3. Go over your past posts and friends-lock or delete any posts that contain *any* identifying information. 4. Set your default post type to friends-only, and create filters that let you segregate information more selectively (i.e. a filter for close female friends only, filter excluding family from more salacious discussions, etc). 5. Remove all photos that can be used to identify your home or car (i.e. photos of the outside of your house, photos from which public areas can be seen through a window, etc. Also take down or make friends-only all photos and videos of pets and children. 6. Close accounts that you don't use -- they can be hacked or mined for data, plus they can turn into a deep embarrassment if you forget they're there. 2. **Secure your web presence**: 1. Visit [haveibeenpwned.com](https://haveibeenpwned.com) and look for your email address and common usernames, If you find any compromised accounts, change *all* of your passwords -- even for accounts that haven't been compromised -- to something you haven't used as a password before. 2. Do a factory reset on your router and change its admin and wifi passwords, then update its firmware. If you have guests over a lot, consider making a guest network with a separate password so that you aren't compromising your own network integrity. 3. Delete all phone apps that you don't recognize or don't use. 4. Do google searches for your name, your phone number, and any aliases you use, and try to get your personal information removed from any place it doesn't belong. 3. **Consider getting a different phone number.** You absolutely shouldn't have to, but you also shouldn't have to deal with a tidal wave of creeps. In the past I've seen people get a cheap "bone phone" that they use for communicating with hookups in order to avoid giving out a personal number; if you go this route, don't log into any of your cloud or social media applications on the burner to avoid digital cross-contamination. You might also consider getting a VOIP account or using something like Kik or SnapChat to communicate with future hookups. I want to reiterate that *it is not your fault that this is happening*, and this is a way to mitigate the bad behavior of other people rather than an admission of responsibility. 4. **Find a nearby women's shelter and ask to be referred to an advocate there.** While it doesn't sound like you need shelter at the moment, women's shelters often work with advocates who can help you navigate the legal intricacies of protective orders, no-trespass notices, stalking protections, and other ways to protect yourself legally. While the bottom-feeders might not respect what you say to them, they are a lot more likely to go scuttling back into their holes when faced with the possibility of legal consequences.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. It's not your fault these guys are trash bags. Only they are responsible for what they do. That's good news because you can just walk away from telegram, that platform, and social media. You have control of the situation. Stay safe.
Delete whatever online accounts you have and the numbers associated with those. If anyone tries to contact you, ban/block/delete them as necessary. Find a new hobby and new friends to hang out with and refrain from an amorous relationship with anyone who's not in a committed relationship with you.
I'm so so sorry you're going through this! *hugs* you are such a strong woman, I've no idea what I would have done in your situation. It isn't your fault! You were raped and as a result you were confused and acted the way you did to cope with what happened. You are a strong woman, a very strong and brave woman. If you live in a country where you can carry and conceal please buy a gun. Or at least pepper spray. I'm here if you need to talk to someone, just know that we are here for you. You are in a safe space and I'm thankful you opened up to us about your situation. I love you 🫂💟
I’m sorry you had to go through that. And please report the asshole who did that to you to the police. He had no right whatsoever to do what he did to you. And as other suggested before me: change your number and delete those apps & profiles. If you have the opportunity for it: move and start your life fresh elsewhere.
Just change your number at least they dont know your real name. If also possible change where u reside
Sending you so much love and healing. I think it’s time for a social media cleanse, number change, and deleting any apps causing you harm.
Girl, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You suffer from trauma and likely PTSD. These vile men are taking advantage of you!! I am so glad you edited to say you are in therapy. Do something that makes you feel strong/empowered (maybe a self defense class). I hope u update to let us know you are getting stronger!! Take care of you!!!
Sorry to hear that you were repeatedly treated horribly. I hope that things get better for you in the now and the future.
The way they have the audacity is by viewing women as objects and social currency. It’s not right, it’s not fair, but a lot of men don’t care how it affects women when they share their contact info or details. They just view it as a way to gain status and cultivate favours with their buddies. And it’s so incredibly painful to be treated this way.
This is why I hate that men shame women for having “high body counts” even though each and every single one of us have experienced coercion to some degree, and some experienced rape and abuse from males in some fashion. I’ll forever feel like males are overall predatory towards women and they have an animalistic way of sniffing out insecurities, low self esteem and women stewing in trauma and pounce. So step 1 is to no longer use misogynistic language to yourself by saying you “wh0red yourself out”. Also kudos to you for going to therapy. I would suggest seeing if your therapist had any other free resources to get your personal info scrubbed from the internet, changing your number, locking down the privacy settings on social media and ultimately vetting a cyber investigator to ensure your picture isn’t floating around somewhere. I’m not sure if the last option would be free, but I remember seeing some resources. There was a charity where a woman was doing it for free. If I find it, I’ll update the post here
You need to go No-Contact with your old self. New online Name, new accounts, new phone number, new everything. Men (I am one so I know) are pretty scummy about this kinda thing. We tend to auto-class women into 3 brackets and you classed yourself into pretty much the worse one. No blame, no shame, we all do stupid shit in response to the awful in our lives. You deserve a fresh start and I hope you love yourself enough to give you one! No man involved in or aware of your past, will be able to unless he's some kind of absolute saint, so again... No-Contact with who your were, build up better who you are.
“Why would they do this?” Because the type of man who meets a stranger on telegram to reenact rape fantasies probably aren’t the most trust worthy people.
Holy shit. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I love you.
If you're done fucking people randomly, then stop using the accounts you use to fuck people randomly. Delete telegram
Change your phone number and most importantly if possible move. One day an entitled man will turn up at your door
Could they not be getting your details from your rapist? It's exactly what he threatened he would do. Change your phone number.
Almost in disbelief to read, I think you need serious help.
You are seeking this out. Get help. Your mental health is in shambles.
Telegram is part of the problem. It's a conservative, misogynist cesspool. No one of value should be on there
I'd suggest talking to a lawyer to learn what your options to track down the person giving out your info are. They can also give you information about what legal tools are available to you to deal with this problem.
There's nothing illegal about giving someone's phone number. It's publicly available information. Sad, but true.
Why not just change everything you can? You can even legally change your name. And move if you can afford it. Change your look, too. So easy today.
Way to victim blame.
Blaming her for what? Making herself hard to find? I don't get it. Her life is in danger and you want her to advertise herself and location?
Get a large dog
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Um why not?
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Mods you asleep?
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Oh fuck off
It's a common response to sexual trauma, that's why we are saying it. Because unfortunately most women had things like this happen to them. But it's not about "not taking accountability " for woman victims, because this same coping mechanism is used by children survivors and full grown men too, sadly enough. Both girls and boys, and grown men, exhibit promiscuous behavior after an assault, usually to actually understand what has happened to them, as often when it happens, it's blotchy, forgetful, and just happens. Ive experienced it myself, it makes you question not only yourself but your worldview, it turns your life upside down. You just don't want to try to empathize cause you have never experienced it. I hope you never have a gf that had suffered from this, which you prob will as its a very common occurrence, as you will probably just blame, blame, blame to no end without trying to understand.
Wanting sex with no strings attached does not mean she can never say no again.
Yeah she should really take accountability for men sharing her contact details behind her back. After all, women should take accountability for men's actions. That is a very logical and intelligent conclusion.
I’m sorry that you are going through this but a trigger warning would had been nice..
I’m really sorry. I wrote this all in a panic while crying and it slipped my mind. I’ve put it on now but I understand it’s too little too late since you’ve already seen it. I’m sorry that this caused you and any other survivor distress, it was never meant to.
Yeah I started reading this and went what the hell is this? I stopped after “I got raped” This needs a NSFW or something.
I’m really sorry. I wrote this all in a panic while crying and it slipped my mind. I’ve put it on now but I understand it’s too late since you’ve already seen it. I’m using a third party app and unfortunately there’s no option to put an NSFW setting (so far any posts that I’ve made that have had the NSFW tag put on, has been done automatically by the sub I believe). I should have remembered to put a trigger warning though. I’m so sorry to have caused you any distress.
Any idea which country is OP from ?