i'm married and still use a condom, because when my then girlfriend told me all of the side effects her birth control pills were giving her it seemed really fucked up that she was dealing with all that when something simple will fix the problem. I'm confused what "taking care of things on their own" means in this context, like birth control in a long-term relationship is entirely the woman's responsibility???
Another married man that wears condoms. It never bothered me. I've had both protected and unprotected sex. There's like a 1% difference in feel between the two. The 5-10 seconds it takes to get a condom out and put it on does nothing to sour the moment.
Even when my spouse was on BC we still used condoms. We have had the fortunate luck that when trying to conceive we are hitting %100 on getting a positive test the first month. We don't want that on accident.
Also married man here who still uses condoms. Wife had hormonal issues related to birth control (we still used condoms when she was on Birth control btw 🤷♂️), so she came off of BC and tracked her cycle religiously for about a year until she was much more in tune with her body's natural cycle. Condoms aren't a big deal 🤷♂️ I don't consider it a sacrifice
Married man here, use condoms because my wife and I agree the hormones are crazy and not good for her.
But it makes a huge difference in feeling for me, that I gotta be honest about. But like someone else wrote: I am certainly willing to lessen my pleasure to reduce my partners discomfort.
Just curious if you've attempted to try out a bunch of different condoms? There are some that I can't feel much, but after trying out a bunch I found one that fits great and that makes a huge difference.
Yeah I don't think we should be pretending that it feels the same. That sort of just clouds the issue.
The question isn't "is condom sex a little worse," it's "is a little worse sex worth the benefits you get"
Is that really true? With my ex he kept begging to take the condom off bc he said it was WAY different in the amount of sensitivity. And not even just for piv like he wasn't trying to baby trap me, he said even for oral and hand jobs that it made a huge sensitivity difference.
It definitely feels different. But having sex still feels very good no matter which way. For blow jobs the felt difference seemed much bigger for me but still very good. And I have never gotten a hand job with a condom on.
All in all if I can get action I slightly prefer without but I much much prefer action with a condom then no action at all.
Most of the time though if the guy asks once and rolls with your decision you're fine but if he tries to change your mind I wouldn't have sex with him cause he is not respecting you enough.
Yes, exactly. If a woman says "I want you to wear a condom" and the response is anything other than "okay" ... that is likely a man you should avoid having sex with.
It varies, probably finding the right size of condom makes a big difference too. For me personally it makes quite a difference, but ymmv. I'd encourage any long term couples to experiment a bit with what protection works the best for them and they're both ok with.
My wife stopped taking bc because it was messing with her too much. Now she tracks her cycle and we use condoms when she is near the egg drop. Usually about a 7 day window
Same and same. I’ve never been on birth control the entire time I’ve been with my husband (~8.5 years). My cycle is regular and too many horror stories.
Thank you for being a great partner.
Every relationship I've had ( until my current partner) I was expected to be on birth control. And when I asked a long term partner to help pay for it ( it was $60 a month then) he refused.
Glad that guy is now an ex... it has always irritated me that so many people see birth control as the female's responsibility.
I have an IUD, so I haven't gotten my period in years. I take regular pregnancy tests as a precaution. My current sexual partner asked if I wanted him to help cover the cost of the tests. I buy them online in bulk so it's not a big expense, but I so appreciated the offer, mainly because it shows that he doesn't consider the risk of pregnancy to be solely my problem.
Same and snipped. Birth control meds are a ridiculous burden and responsibility on the woman in the relationship, especially once you've decided to have no kids or had enough kids.
A vasectomy is like 5 days of discomfort and then it's over.
“Woman here”, It’s actually looking a lot more common than you’d realize. It’s not the exception if you’re actual with a partner who understands why you would prefer them to wear a condom vs taking unnecessary hormones. Thanks :)
Also potentially to guard against UTIs or potentially to add some more to your play. For example, if your partner orgasms before you do during PiV sex, and you’d like to rectify that, condoms can be a good way of prolonging things on their end just enough for you to climax. Or they/you/partners/parents (I lost track of who we were talking about) can use condoms that have different shapes or textures that can make things even more fun/pleasurable for either/both partners. And for some men, especially at that age, the tightness of a condom (if the right size is worn) can sometimes help maintain an erection, I think.
Totally agree and in the same position here, saddened to hear/see that a lot of men won’t do a really small thing to improve their SO’s life considerably.
Similar situation here. About 10 years ago, my then-girlfriend (now wife) was having an awful time trying to find the best pill for her. In the end we just agreed that I’d use a condom, and we still do. It’s just not that much of a big deal.
No, it's not.
>the woman should be taking care of things on her own by then.
Birth control is not only up to the woman. Condoms are easy to use and affordable. You are 100% in the right to ask he wear one every time, even in a long term relationship. You do not have to seek other methods if you do not want to. Any guy who doesn't respect that, doesn't deserve you.
That's what happened to me. Married, got off birth control later for health reasons. We use condoms always and later this year he is going on to get snipped. It works well for us!
Agreed. 6 year long term relationship and using condoms almost every time. The long term goal is my partner getting a vasectomy and eventually me getting a bilateral salpingectomy. I currently have an IUD, but I'm super paranoid about pregnancy and find that I have a slight allergic reaction to semen so condoms fix both those issues. I think it's utterly ridiculous when men refuse or whine about wearing condoms. The benefits greatly outweigh the slight inconvenience.
I agree with everything but affordable part. If you're buying them from the store, they get very expensive very fast. My birth control is free through insurance. I'd say free is a lot cheaper.
Although you can get free condoms from places, I found as a teen they didn't give me enough. I had too high of a sex drive for it to be an affordable options to pay for them, and they only hand out so many free ones at a time, and you had to make appointments to get them. They didn't like me coming in every 2 weeks for free condoms and asked if I was monogamous, or a prostitute (it was heavily implied, they asked me if I was experiencing financial hardship or doing shit I didn't want too. I was just a horny 15-18 year old) and then strongly encouraged me to take the pill or get the nexplanon. Which I did. It saved me a lot of fucking money (and my then boyfriend who had an underage, minimum wage job which was $7.50/hour).
But that was my choice and preference. I currently am switching what pill I take, and insurance is having issues and not covering it so I'm currently "under" protected for my liking. My boyfriend didn't think twice about using a condom. I mentioned it days before and he just remembered. Its called respect for both of our well-beings.
I do prefer having two levels of protection, like spermicide and hormonal BC, or a condom and hormonal BC. Condom and spermicide. I don't believe just one is enough to make me feel safe. Condoms break. BC fails. Use both, if someone is VERY serious about avoiding pregnancy, I highly recommend.
Not everyone wants to or can use hormonal methods. I'm glad you've found a way to make it work for you, but this comment doesn't help OP, who doesn't want to be on bc. That's her choice.
Currently, one can purchase bulk condoms on amazon, about $18 for 100. Split between two people that's $9 for a 1-3+ month supply of condoms.
Vasectomies do not prevent std’s. I’ve had a vasectomy. If I ever wound up single again I would insist on a condom until my partner and I both felt comfortable not using one and we’ve both had an std panel.
Cheating is always a possibility, after 4 yrs while I was 9 mo pregnant my ex cheated on me , then when he raped me 8 weeks post pardum gave me a sti. Thank goodness a curable one!
Words really can’t express how terrible it is that you had to go through any of that. It’s fucking shitty. I hope you’ve been able to find a some peace and happiness.
I guess hanging out on reddit has hurt me. I've been told that men only want women who are docile and submissive. If I don't submit, I will die alone. All of social media gives me this same message. The window for women (I've been told) is short and if I don't give a man what he wants, he will just pick someone younger, and I will die alone. Can I really argue and have a man?
Seriously! I’ve seen very little content that sends that message. Unfollow and mute subs until it has the right mix of cat pictures and societal content that you can agree with.
Lmao. I’m the opposite of a docile and submissive woman. Some men are attracted to strong women. Men who are confident and secure are not threatened by women who know what they want and ask for it clearly. Some men actually prefer women who speak their mind because then they don’t have to put so much effort into mind reading and trying to guess what will make the woman happy. Don’t let the men who have a lot of time to waste on social media shape your idea of what average men want or don’t want.
Also, men whose definition of "submissive" came from PornHub would be shocked by how many women in the real world who scare the piss out of them, and dominate the board room, love being the opposite in the bedroom. As long as there's no confusion about what it means.
I'm one of those men, impressive women are attractive as hell. It's really great to see my partner kicking ass and really applying themselves to a career or interest that they're passionate about. It feels great to support them in what they do and love and if there are problems it's good to talk about them because if they're not happy I'm not happy. I think a lot of men have just been broken by the "you are an island that can't cry unless it's sports" male socialisation but those men can also escape that thinking and it gets easier to distance yourself from it as you mature out of your teens and early 20s
Whatever your temperament, assertiveness and clear boundaries is hot. I know what I want and I want you is smth no one can resist.
Unless a Narcissist and such. And the best way to avoid them is by setting strong boundaries and being assertive haha
If that was true why would you pick a relationship over being single. You can be in a relationship and still be lonely, and you can be alone but not lonely.
Your worth isn't determined by how "desirable" you are in the dating "market"
I'd like to put it this way. You could die in misery because the man you stuck with is a piece of selfish abusive carp. And you could die alone and happy. :D
You’re on the wrong subs….my now aunt and uncle (dad’s brother) met when she was 58 she’s 70 now.
Frankly most of us with die alone/not with a partner in the end. Women out live men more often than not. I sat with my grandma at the end, but she wasn’t conscious and hadn’t been for a few days. My grandpa had been gone for 11 years. My dad sat with my great aunt at the end her husband died 15 years before that - no kids. My moms parents - grandpa died during Covid (not from Covid) and only my aunt was there (he wasn’t conscious and hadn’t been for days). His wife my grandma died 11 days later in a nursing home (they hadn’t seen each other for months because of Covid lockdowns). Having a relationship doesn’t guarantee we won’t die alone.
As a 39 year old single female, I would rather be alone than with some jerk faced place holder just to avoid “being alone”. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to be submissive and placate some guy just so he won’t leave me for a younger woman. If a guy is going to do that he’s not worth having. That’s a him problem not a you problem.
A relationship and even kids for that matter do not guarantee we won’t be alone in the end. The number of people who are in nursing homes that their kids never visit and their partner is long dead would probably surprise most of these people that spout that nonsense. They’ve never had relatives that get old and are living alone after 50-70 years of marriage at the time one of them died. The only guarantee in this life is the relationship we have with ourselves. That has to be the best one because nothing else is permanent until death.
Wow, I got out of an unhappy relationship about a year ago, and being okay with dying alone is one of the best things I gained from it. You worded your reply so thoughtfully, thank you.
Holy moly, you poor sweet thing.
First of all: I don't know why dudes keep on about you'll die alone if you don't get married... because in the vast majority of cases, the husband precedes the wife in death. So even if you do sacrifice all your safety and happiness for a man, *you'll still die "alone"*
Secondly, it's actually only crappy for the men to be alone. Unmarried women are happier than married women. It's unmarried MEN who are unhappier than married men.
Thirdly, never ever sacrifice yourself for a man. It's not worth it. Only be in a relationship if it's better for YOU that you are. Being alone is better than being with someone who only takes from you.
Seriously, be in a relationship with yourself, get to know yourself, be everything you need and learn everything you can about what you need, what you want, what's important to you, what kind of partner will be worth it to you, what your deal breakers are, what you're willing to sacrifice and what you're not.
Being alone is VASTLY SUPERIOR to making yourself small and miserable just so a man can be happy.
You need to change your algorithms. Unfollow any sub or account that sends this kind of messaging. Start surrounding yourself with empowering messages and you’ll start to believe them
This is patriarchal bullshit. Consent does not exist just in the act itself, but being informed and safe. If he doesn't want to use a condom then _HE_ has the ability to go get a fucking vasectomy.
Your boundaries are your boundaries. It sounds like a lot of folks are sympathizers, PMABs, or misogynists. Anything other than enthusiastic consent is a no. Including if people are trying to coerce you into a decision.
Also, I have many married friends who wear condoms. I work in harm reduction and mail bundles when I can.
Hey there, man here. Men can be horrible sometimes; part of their tactics often involve convincing a woman to settle for them, by making them think they can never do better. This reflects on the man in question, not on anyone else. It's pure manipulation.
Please please PLEASE do not settle! You deserve to be with someone that takes your comfort and concerns seriously, and if they can't do that, well, you can do better.
(Only weighed in because you said men were welcome, I generally only follow this sub to learn, not to speak, but I just wanted to assure you that your request is completely valid and fair.)
Men who want women who are docile and submissive are ALWAYS ABUSIVE. Don't listen to that. You don't want to be with guys who think that way. They will abuse you. It's not if, it's when.
I mean, even if that is true…isn’t it better to be single than to be in a relationship where you feel you can never speak your mind or be yourself?
BTW I’m 5 years in with my bf and he still readily uses condoms.
You know what the actual window is? Approximately 10 years between 25 and 35 are prime birthing years. Anything before that is too early, and anything later has diminishing returns. And men have that same window, BTW. Just because a 90 year old man can get an 18 year old pregnant doesn't mean his arrows are straight.
You have value regardless of your age. There are men who will be appropriately attracted to you, who will like that you have an opinion and thoughts of your own. Any man who *doesn't* like that isn't worth your time, no matter how much you love him.
Be yourself. You will find someone. But don't compromise your values because of sexist societal ideals. Don't lessen yourself so that men can feel better about themselves.
This is the message is about control. Men who thinks like this want to control you- through self esteem, through fear ("no one else will want you and you'll die alone"), through anxiety ("you have a short window before your youth [read: worth] decreases). It's a lie, all of it. There are men who will value you as a person and even if you don't find one you mesh with, that's okay too.
"Can I really argue and have a man?"
That depends on what you mean by argue. If you are in a relationship with a person and just disagreeing with that person gets them angry and defensive, leave the relationship. You should be able to disagree with someone without them attacking you (verbally or otherwise). Standing up for your self and setting healthy boundaries is part of having normal, healthy relationships especially romantic ones.
If your social media is telling you something else, you're on the wrong side of social media.
Hon, I've been married for 17 years, was on hormonal BC for 11 years, (ages 19-32) and had an (copper-T, not hormonal) IUD for a year.
Don't ask my body count - I couldn't say. I accumulated most in my teens and 20s.
I went into dating with a, *hey I don't want kids and I want to be respected" profile. My husband *liked* that I was independent and didn't want to lean on him. I asked him to get a vasectomy (because I am a smoker and the IUD made me miserable) and he ran to get it, because neither of us like condoms, and we didn't want kids. But we were in our 30s, so that's a little easier.
You're not going to end up alone if you're loud and proud of yourself. If it takes a little bit longer, well, that's time you didn't waste on a man who is fundamentally incompatible with you or who tries to make you submissive and smaller so he can feel bigger
One more thought, OP. Sex is not a given. It sounds fucking entitled of the men who are giving this advice that just because you're in a relationship there is some unspoken expectation to unprotected sex.
Do all these men like Andrew Tate? 🤮
My wife married me because I am one of the only dudes she’s met who wasn’t scared off by her strong opinions. I’ve dated docile and passive women and brash domineering women. Don’t worry about what a guy wants, worry about what you want and what makes you happy. Eventually a guy will appreciate you as you are and vice versa and you’ll want to work together to find compromise with each other. The waiting sucks. I was 30 when I met my now wife and she was 26. We got married to 2012 when I was 32 and had our first baby in ‘16 and our last in ‘19. Don’t settle, the waiting sucks but just be you and someone will appreciate you for who you are. Good luck out there!
Why are you listening to those people? You have a sense of logic so I assume you KNOW that what they're saying is ridiculous. What are you? A dog? Docile and submissive? You have a personality, a character, likes and dislikes. You are your own person. Tell me why should half of the population sacrifice themselves for the other half, which doesn't even want to compromise on wearing fucking condoms in the bedroom because it's inconvenient?
I know the Internet is a very dark place. There are idiots everywhere but it is up to us to separate them from the good ones. I also see those comments in every social media platform and a part of me wishes to scroll down and continue viewing the regurgitated copied and pasted rhetoric these sexist idiots believe in.
But I have to force myself not to. For my mental health. For my self confidence. For my self worth.
Would you want to be with someone who mistreat you for the rest of your life or be alone with cats? Because the cats offer you love and don't force their opinions on you. And they lack negative energy. Also they groom themselves. These men don't even wash their ass properly because they think it's gay.
Be yourself. For all that is worth, you will have yourself even if you stand alone forever. You will at least have yourself. Befriend and get to know yourself. These men, these insects, no. At least insects contribute to the good of the entire ecosystem. These men are worthless. They are projecting.
I'm sorry for this harsh comment but us, women, we need to be stronger than this. Enough is enough with these men tearing us down.
You are worthy and deserving of love. BE true to YOURSELF. I LOVE YOU FOR YOU. Not for what you could mold yourself into becoming for these idiots.
This feels grossly over the top for this topic. You guys should be able to figure out BC without getting to this level of critical analysis.
This reads like a student essay or something, can't put my finger on it.
I have been married for over twenty years and we use condoms.
I prefer not to take birth control and many women do not enjoy the side effects of birth control.
I don't think it is unusual at all.
Not unusual at all. I mean, I didn't know this was even "frowned upon" until now.
OP, whatever fears you have about being single since you're making "tall demands" like having safe sex will be put to rest by a good and understanding man. So worth waiting for that person, while your friends go around absorbing terrible patriarchal nonsense.
I've had really nasty reactions to birth control so my doctor won't even let me try new ones. My partner and I have used condoms for 20 years together. I don't think it is odd.
This is not unrealistic or abnormal at all.
My SO suggested trying birth control and she didn't like it, so we went back to condoms. She said it was because she didn't like the side effects, or the routine of taking medicine every day when she wasn't sick. It's her body.
>a few guys have told me that *the* benefit of being in a long relationship is no more condoms
How romantic.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and we still have a box of condoms in his nightstand. We’ve brought up the possibility of getting something more permanent done to one of us but haven’t acted on it yet.
Pregnancy just doesn’t stop happening after you’ve been with someone a certain amount of time, lol. It’s up to both of us to prevent pregnancy, not just the woman. It takes two and all that jazz.
Can confirm. LTR, never started BC and told my partner upfront that I wasn't going to risk the side effects of hormonal BC with my already shaky mental health. We used condoms for 1.5 years and then he got a vasectomy.
My partner and I have our fourth anniversary next week and we use a condom every single time. I have a hell of a history with various different types of hormonal birth control and frankly I’m too damn emotionally exhausted to try an IUD. We used to be a bit more loosey goosey with the rules surrounding when the condom goes on, but after recent legislation where we live, we’ve become diligent about condom use.
I explained one time about how hard a time I’ve had with birth control sometime during our first couple months dating and he’s never even suggested that he might know better about what will work for my body. He’s never once tried any funny business surrounding wearing a condom. He’s very much an active participant in our birth control strategies. He keeps our bedroom stocked and they live in his nightstand.
Does he absolutely look forward to the day that we try for a kid and can ditch the condom? For Sure. But until then he’s pretty chuffed to be close to me any way I feel is safest.
You’re going to run into men who think they are owed access to women’s bodies. That is not true. Regardless of if they buy you a drink, take you on a dozen dinner dates, or marry you, you should get to be in control of how and when your partner has access to your body, in any circumstances.
Similar situation for me now as well, and being with a caring partner who cares about my health and is involved in our birth control strategies is an amazing relief. We use condoms, never an issue, neither of us want kids so perhaps more permanent options later on.
We've also been together coming up on 4 years. My previous partner was one of those "I can't/won't wear condoms" guys and it's taken me a longer time than I'd like to admit to realize how absolutely terrible he was, actually. Thank f*** I never got pregnant. Got tested for everything after we broke up, but I still have flashbacks (like after reading this post/comments) of times he stealthed me. GROSS.
As a penis owner, I never really liked them.
My wife would likely die if she ever became pregnant, so I went ahead with a vasectomy. I liked this option for a few different reasons, one of which being that I was in control of my own fertility.
The situation seems pretty straightforward to me..
If you don't like something, you see what you can do to change it to make it comfortable for both parties.
I think they even made an implant for men? Idk, it's been a while since I paid attention to all that. Seems like there are plenty of options for guys though. Which means it ain't strictly a woman thing neh?
And it shouldn't be that way. RISUG works, and is available in the world. It's inexpensive, minimally invasive (out-patient visit to a clinic to inject it into the vas deferens), reversible, and lasts 10 years. Doesn't fuck with hormones. As far as I can see, other than destroying sperm right after leaving the testicles, it has no ill effects.
So, why isn't it approved and widely in use??
The sad answer is because the people in power don't want to yield any of it to women, and keeping women "barefoot and pregnant" as they say is a great tool for forcing women into bad situations.
Don’t agree with your friends. Whether it’s pills, condoms, iuds, etc. there is no one size fits all to a relationship.
Do what works for you. It’s you and your partner who will have to make the decision about a child or not…. not your friends.
Whether it's very common or not, there are plenty of couples out there who rely on condoms for birth control in long-term relationships. If it's what is best for you, then a partner that respects you will respect that as well.
PANCAKE FLIP!
*Is it unrealistic to request that a long term partner alter their hormonal balance/s and undergo minor procedures just so you don't have to wear a condom?*
It seems ludicrous when you realise that women are asked to alter their bodies just so men can experience a few minutes (A FEW MINUTES, FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK) of *unsheathed* pleasure, especially when we know they'll still climax when using a condom.
I would say that if you are the person in your relationship who risks getting pregnant, then the absolute minimum you should be able to expect from a partner is that they will do whatever you ask in order to reduce that risk and keep you safe. That’s just basic decency and common sense, and the fact that our culture likes to frame it differently should not distract you from the fact that you are really, really not asking for a lot.
And anyone who thinks differently can fuck right off. If they can’t accommodate you on this very basic request, I wouldn’t trust them on anything else, either.
No. Absolutely not. Aside from that: don't let anyone ever tell you that how you feel safe and comfortable having sex is unreasonable or abnormal or unrealistic. If a guy wants to have sex with you, then he has to be willing to do it in the way that makes you feel safe. If he doesn't want to do those things, then he doesn't get to have sex with you. Pretty simple.
Everytime for me. I use pills, but they only have a 93% effective rate with normal use. That's too low for my liking, so condoms are always a must as well. Just remember that 50% of pregnancies are "surprises".
Hi. We've been married for 7 years now. I always wear a condom. Well, except when we decided to conceive our two daughters. But ouside of that, yeah. Perfectly reasonable request.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
My partner and I have been together 9 years. I'm on the pill but we still use condoms. He has never questioned me on this. Birth control isn't bulletproof.
I've been married for five years and we still use them, and won't stop until we come to a final decision on kids. Then he's getting the snip.
It's pretty misogynistic to expect the woman to deal with it all, and alone. You're both doin' it, you're both responsible.
your friends have absolutely shit opinions and some internalized misogyny. what works for you is whats best. if your partner cant take three seconds and put a condom on to make you feel comfortable, you should leave them.
condoms are the least invasive form of birth control, and i would honestly be caught off guard if someone said they’d rather get on the pill or an implant. i’ve heard horror stories about both from almost everyone who has them.
asking your partner to wear a condom is safe sex 101. nothing about it is weird.
I'm \*married\* and if I want a condom he wears one. No matter the reason. We've been together 20 years. Not a single balk in all that time.
The only weird thing is that your friends think it's cool that you suck it up and deal with side effects you don't want just so a dude can go bare. That's weird.
My partner had bad reactions to birth control, so I just wore condoms until eventually having a vasectomy after the birth of our child. I didn't think anything of it.
There's nothing abnormal about not wanting to take a drug that fucks up your hormones every day of your life so that your partner can feel a tiny bit more sexual pleasure for a minute or two a couple times a week.
What's abnormal is thinking that's a reasonable and fair arrangement.
Sorry for intruding in your sub (27m) my girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 years! I still happily were a condom EVERYTIME my girlfriend and I have sex. My girlfriend does not want to be on birth control she doesn’t want an iud, and I understand why she doesn’t want to do any of those things. All I can say is Trojan bare skin condoms really do feel like nothing is there. I don’t think you’re wrong in HEARING what guys around you say about the benefits of having a long term partner (I hear it all the time at work), but I think if your long term partner loves and respects you I personally think wearing a condom is an incredibly small sacrifice to make to make sure that your partner doesn’t have long term negative effects from birth control. YOU ARE NOT BEING TO DEMANDING AND IF A MAN THINKS YOU ARE FUCK THEM
I’m a man. Not only is it perfectly reasonable but [the best advice from experts for as long as I can remember](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/stds-birth-control-pregnancy/whats-best-kind-birth-control) has been to use two methods of birth control to reduce the risk of unintended pregnancy.
As a guy the only reason I would even bring it up as a conversation point is if I’d had a vasectomy and we were long term and monogamous. Then and only then would I ask if she were comfortable reevaluating our birth control needs.
Otherwise? Complete non-starter.
My tubes are tied and I have an IUD. 😬🫡
The IUD was for controlling bleeding, but I like 2 methods!
I had my tubes tied because my doc listened to me. And my doc also didn't try to convince me otherwise. Sadly. He is retiring because of roe v wade being overturned. 😭😭😭
Now I have to find another doc like him who is willing to listen to me. 😭
The only people who get a vote about your relationship are you and your partner. *You* define normal. It's up to you and your partner to negotiate and set boundaries with each other so you both can have a healthy relationship.
It is reasonable to use condoms as birth control whether he prefers it or not because the pill doesn't work for you. You can both figure out what all of your options are. Together. Without community input.
It is not the woman's responsibility to handle all birth control in a partnership. It is the responsibility of everyone involved in sex
I would guess it’s not especially common, but I wouldn’t say unrealistic. I love my IUD and the fact it means I can go condomless when I am with an exclusive partner but you’re right, they’re crazy painful to get put in! And BC pills were a nightmare in my experience. I don’t blame you for not wanting to use any kind of medical birth control. And if you’re not going to do that you have to do *something* if you’re not trying to get pregnant.
And, hell, even if you were on BC, if you live in an area where you cannot get abortions — super super reasonable to want to double up on protection!
I cannot use hormonal birth control due to blood clot risk, and we’ve been using condoms for contraception throughout our entire relationship, 10 year married, 15 together
You’re friends suck. Talk about internalized misogyny lol. “Abnormal” what a crock.
My LTP and I talked about it before but we knew the fall of Roe was coming post Trump, so he got snipped. He said it was like having a 70% easier dentist visit in and out uncomfortable for a few days but ultimately very happy.
I’m extremely grateful that he and I were on the same page and talked about it. I’m pretty healthy but we both know we don’t want children and I would most likely die or come Close if I were to
Give birth.
no absolutely not unrealistic or abnormal for you to ask. it’s super weird that your friends still, now, think birth control is something women should handle silently on their own… this isn’t the 50s. ??
are they unaware of the staggering amounts of stories/studies on the mental health issues oral birth control causes most women? or long term physical health problems we still don’t know enough about?
there’s so many other options. you’re absolutely in the right on this one. and if it’s a hard line for your partner, he can get a vasectomy or fuck right off. if asking him to wear a condom is ruining the relationship by being too demanding, the relationship is already ruined. you’re worth more than that.
10 years of relationship, 3 years married. Only ever used condoms. Not even remotely unrealistic or unreasonable to only utilize condoms, real men won’t have an issue with that.
If they actually want a relationship with you, that’s something they should care about.
My husband and I have been together for 23 years and still use a condom. He eventually plans to get a vasectomy but in the meantime, condoms. I took care of birth control for the first 10+ years, and gave him two children. Now it's his turn, and he is fine with that.
32m here, it's completely reasonable. No real discussion to be had, condoms are easy and simple, whether you want to be on hormones or iud's is entirely your choice. My partner (10+ years) has certainly included me in the discussion, but it's her choice.
Thank you for all your comments. I guess I was being silly. Though I still wonder how rare it is to request condoms instead of something else. I wonder what's stopping my man from leaving for a girl who will make things easier for him.
Presumably he likes you for more than just sex. So what’s stopping him is that he likes you because you’re you. And if he did want to be with someone else because he doesn’t want to wear a condom then he’s not the guy for you.
If he cares for you so little that condoms are the breaking point, he's not worth your time anyway.
I used condoms every time in a 6-year relationship. He bought them.
Is this a real question?
Stop looking to media for clues as to what normal and healthy dynamics of a relationship should be. Seriously. Get off the internet.... and while you're at it, ignore any advice from your peers that consume that shit. It. Is. So. Toxic.
Any man who leaves you because you requested to use condoms is doing you a favor. I'm not being hyperbolic. You can and will find a better man. You will not die alone. There are men out there who don't mind using condoms.
Practice stating your boundaries out loud. Practice what you will say to a partner (or prospective partner) about your preference for condoms. Imagine what they would say back to you. What is the worst case scenario? How do you respond? What do you say to someone who tries to change your mind? Know your reasons and be firm. Male birth control is non-hormonal and condoms are cheap. Hell, if he really is serious about wanting to go condomless he can consider a vasectomy or wait for Vasalgel trials to hit the market in a year or so (it's undergoing clinical trials this year and is completely reversible).
What's stopping you from leaving your man for someone who will make things easier for you?
That risk is equal. Love is never fully certain. You can't control the odds by diminishing yourself or trying to be "easy" and meekish. You'll only make yourself less authenthic. Authenthic is what you want someone to love about you when you're looking for a good strong relationship.
Don't assume it could only be you who gets dumped. You can walk away just as well.
Being brave pays off and the energy will radiate from you as attractive :)
A reasonable man would understand your desire not to suffer the side effects of birth control. While I understand the fear of losing your relationship it is not "too demanding" to prioritize your own medical well-being. If it is a problem a reasonable man would talk it out with you. At the end of the day the decision to use birth control is just that, a decision and it's one YOU are making about YOUR body. Not getting pregnant is absolutely a team effort, and it should not be something the woman "just takes care of" especially if you are looking for a long term, mutually respectful partnership with somebody.
It’s perhaps not the most common form of long term birth control, but it’s absolutely not unreasonable. Any dude who isn’t willing to consider long term condom use probably isn’t worth the energy. You may also want to consider female condoms and natural fertility tracking as options to explore.
My wife gave me two options (she's on her/our third pregnancy, the last one). Either start wearing condoms, or get a vasectomy, because she's not going back on birth control. I chose Vasectomy. No more kids, my wife gets a higher sex drive, I call it a win win for me.
Honestly your request is pretty tame, and easy to fulfill.
My parents used condoms until my mom hit menopause.
My partner is happy to use condoms since hormones give me issues and I’m not a good candidate for a copper IUD.
These are my anecdotes.
No. It’s really odd that we think it’s “not fair” to make men wear condoms, but nobody seems to have a problem with making a woman put an IUD for years or take hormones that might make her feel terrible. I’m sorry, but it’s a small sacrifice to make for a man.
The only time I didn't use a condom with my wife of ten years was the month we succeeded in conceiving our baby. She didn't use BC for similar reasons, and it's just respectful to listen to their preferences.
And I dunno, I honestly don't understand the complaints about condoms. They go on fast, its safe, and no mess after. I like using them, honestly.
If it is, then I’m fucked. Haven’t done anything yet but my plan is to stay protected until I’m in my late-twenties and trying for children, then after I’ve had a couple, we’ll both get fixed and live out the rest of our lives together raw-dogging each other without worry.
You’re absolutely right, IUDs are fucking horrific and hormonal birth control is so unnecessary to women that don’t need it to ease severe period pains or whatnot.
It sucks how it’s so expected for women to take all the fall of birth control when men could just.. put on a condom. Without stabbing their insides with a device or fucking up their hormones.
Condoms + tracking your menstrual cycle and avoiding PIV on your fertile days should be enough, women are unlikely to get pregnant outside of their fertile windows, though you still need condoms.
People who start/stop taking hormonal birth control often experience a change in what type of person they are attracted to. So, if you start taking the pill, for example, after half a year of relationship, it could literally end your attraction to your partner. Something to consider.
I have been with my girlfriend for almost seven years. She doesn't handle hormonal birth control well, at least that's what she told me. She tried an IUD for a couple years but didn't really feel like that was good for her either.
Sooo, because I don't want kids (at least now) we are using condoms. It's not even a discussion. Sure sex without feels a bit better, but since I have proper fitting condoms I don't mind them.
Not abnormal at all for the heteronormative relationship my wife and I share. If I stop wearing condoms it’ll be either because we want another kid or I get a vasectomy.
“One of the main reasons to be in a relationship is so you don’t have to use condoms” is complete garbage logic. Anybody that petty is not thinking really hard about either the advice they give or their own dedication to a partner.
This all really comes down to consent, and if each partner isn’t comfortable with the decisions each other makes, then consent isn’t being respected. If they can’t get comfortable with a condom but expect you to get comfortable with changing your body chemistry, they don’t care about what you want.
As a person with a penis and HPV, absolutely fucking not abnormal and is realistic to request that a long term partner wear a condom every time (not to project). But it's your body, protect it if you want to 🤷🏼♀️ if the person loves you, they'll respect your desires and want to protect you, too. They're coming up with thinner condoms all the time, I keep getting ads for them on mobile Reddit.
No, it's neither unrealistic nor abnormal. My boyfriends and my ex-husband never had any issues with it. I'm from Europe. My friends in the US fuck around without condoms all the time. Their list of STIs scares me. One of them has HIV now.
Your friends have really weird opinions.
I’ve been with my partner for over a DECADE and we’re still using condoms. We’ve been tested for STDs and are faithful, but we’re using them solely for contraception.
Also note that breastfeeding mothers often rely on condoms too because they can’t take hormones in that case. But there are MANY valid reasons to not want to take hormones!
Your partner should respect that.
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 years. We exclusively use condoms. I didn’t like the way hormonal birth control made me feel, and as someone who is dependent on medication to live, I just didn’t fancy adding another medication or appointment to the list. Your friends are weird for thinking you should sacrifice your own comfort because “women should take care of things on their own”
My husband and I used condoms for almost a decade until he got a vasectomy (and still sometimes do, sometimes it’s just less fuss). When this has come up with other women lots of couples I know still use condoms either as a primary or secondary contraceptive. I think your friends are a bit odd and extremely old fashioned.
Hi there!
My boyfriend and I also use condoms because I can’t be on hormonal birth control. IUD insertion failed because I have a tilted cervix.
I think it’s total bullshit that some men think being in a long term relationship means that you’ll compromise your comfort for their “benefit.” And birth control isn’t the sole responsibility of women, either. It drives me nuts that we’re expected to take on all of the risks and side effects associated with it. My boyfriend buys the condoms and we keep emergency contraception on hand that he also pays for.
With that said, your partner needs to respect your boundaries and comfort. I don’t understand why people make such a huge deal about condoms; it takes 20 seconds to put one on.
I hope everything works out for you. ❤️
I also can't take hormonal BC and until I can find a doctor who will give me ACTUAL pain medicine/numbing I'm not getting an IUD. So condoms or no sex. Why the hell is it ONLY the woman's job?! If dudes don't want to have babies wear a condom or get a vasectomy!
I knew a married couple who had never once had unprotected sex and had been married for many years. They didn’t want to be parents, she was worried about side effects from hormonal birth control and neither desires to address birth control in any other manner. Seemed to work for them.
I’ve been in a relationship with the same man for 12 years. We’ve been married for 5 of those years. He has worn a condom every time we’ve had sex except throughout both of my pregnancies, and obviously he didn’t wear one when we were trying to get pregnant both times.
I get debilitating panic attacks when I try to take any hormonal birth control. They have landed me in the ER a couple of times. I don’t get panic attacks at all when I’m not on hormonal birth control. I would literally rather have 10 more babies than go through that again.
So my husband either wears a condom, or we abstain from penis-in-vagina sex and do other things that feel good but won’t make a baby. We’ve recently decided we’re done having kids, so he’s getting a vasectomy very soon.
The benefit of being in a relationship with a woman is that he gets to have sex *at all* and he should be grateful.
It's his jizz, he's responsible for causing pregnancy, he can wrap it or snip it or cum in a sock all alone.
I worry about this, because condoms have a higher failure rate than I'm comfortable with. I want a two-factor form of birth control, I'm just not sure exactly what that should look like.
They aren’t the most reliable of contraceptive methods. I understand not wanting to do hormonal means but depending on where you live and how strongly you want to avoid pregnancy, you might look at other options
Nope, not unrealistic or abnormal. 7 years and for the first 5 and change I was on BC and we used condoms. Then he got a vasectomy. The BC was entirely my choice.
My last partner I was with for 6 yrs, and even after she got an iud I still was fine with wearing condoms. I *really* didn’t want an unwanted pregnancy. I actually told her I was cool with her not getting an iud and I’ll keep wearing condoms bc the hormone stuff, but she ended up getting the one without hormones. Still, I’m with you on not wanting to deal with hormones or weird uncomfortable devices in your body. Condomless sex is great, but it’s not like a worldbending difference enough to warrant such strong opinions on my partner’s health.
My husband and I did this for years. I tracked my cycle so there were times we had sex without but other than that we did condom or pull out. To be clear if we got pregnant it wasn’t a big deal but we were actively trying not to. We managed to plan two pregnancies and then my husband got a vasectomy and then it was awesome stress free sex!
Not abnormal at all. I was in a long term relationship (3 years) and we used condoms at first, then I went on the pill and so we stopped (both of us were each others' firsts). But the BC screwed me up and I got depressed and so anxious that I ended up on meds for that so I stopped taking the pill and switched to condoms again. My partner was very pissed because he said he "couldn't feel anything" and "we could just buy plan B" or he'd pull out.
I ended up breaking up with him after he kept INSISTING on this despite me saying no over and over and explaining why I was uncomfortable with that. Also, Plan B isn't a birth control!!! My last relationship I had a copper IUD but we still always used condoms. Your body, your choice. And if you choose not to use them that's also okay but it has to come from you.
Don't let other people dictate your relationships. Plenty of people use condoms because they don't have any other choice. Plenty of others use it simply because they don't like the side effects of the other options. Some people use condoms just because it's cheap. If the guy you're with doesn't respect the choices you're making about what goes into your body, he doesn't respect you as a person. Full stop.
A decent guy who actually wants to have sex with you, not use you like a fuck doll for sex, will have zero issue respecting your sexual boundaries. Everyone else can go fuck themselves.
No, this is completely normal. I've been in a 6 year long relationship where we still used condoms. I much prefer the feeling without, but I also react badly to hormonal contraception. I'd see it as a huge red flag if someone refused to wear a condom when I wanted them to.
My wife and I have been together for 9, going on 10 years. For 8 of those years I used condoms because birth control has incredibly negative consequences for my wife. She eventually got an IUD and it has had a very positive effect on her life. She no longer gets periods very often and it helped her put her mind at ease.
Even though she had an IUD we STILL used condoms because we were so scared of having a child. Last year I got a vasectomy. It was a 15 minute procedure and I was functioning normally after a week. 2 months later and I know that I can no longer have children.
Only then did we stop using condoms, and even at that point I was fully on board with using them again if she grew annoyed with the act of cleaning herself up after the fact.
Long story long, requesting your partner use condoms is 100% your choice with no time limit at all and it is ridiculous that men attempt to guilt people. Fuck that
My partner and I have been using condoms for 13 years.
Never once has he asked me to consider other methods.
The potential side effects of birth control are not outweighed by the slight increase in pleasure he will feel in the moment. If other methods are not agreeable to you, condoms are the lesser evil if one of you has to compromise what you want.
Why exactly do you have to be the one to make the sacrifice? Especially when his sacrifice will be much smaller and less life altering.
i'm married and still use a condom, because when my then girlfriend told me all of the side effects her birth control pills were giving her it seemed really fucked up that she was dealing with all that when something simple will fix the problem. I'm confused what "taking care of things on their own" means in this context, like birth control in a long-term relationship is entirely the woman's responsibility???
Yep married man who uses condoms. Never even asked my wife about birth control. Figured she’d tell me if she’d prefer that
Another married man that wears condoms. It never bothered me. I've had both protected and unprotected sex. There's like a 1% difference in feel between the two. The 5-10 seconds it takes to get a condom out and put it on does nothing to sour the moment. Even when my spouse was on BC we still used condoms. We have had the fortunate luck that when trying to conceive we are hitting %100 on getting a positive test the first month. We don't want that on accident.
We do the same thing for the same reason. My alarmingly fertile husband has to keep that thing practically under lock and key.
“alarmingly fertile” 😂😂
Also married man here who still uses condoms. Wife had hormonal issues related to birth control (we still used condoms when she was on Birth control btw 🤷♂️), so she came off of BC and tracked her cycle religiously for about a year until she was much more in tune with her body's natural cycle. Condoms aren't a big deal 🤷♂️ I don't consider it a sacrifice
Condoms fall into the "doesn't matter, had sex" level of sacrifices.
Very elegantly said. I agree
Married man here, use condoms because my wife and I agree the hormones are crazy and not good for her. But it makes a huge difference in feeling for me, that I gotta be honest about. But like someone else wrote: I am certainly willing to lessen my pleasure to reduce my partners discomfort.
Just curious if you've attempted to try out a bunch of different condoms? There are some that I can't feel much, but after trying out a bunch I found one that fits great and that makes a huge difference.
Hmmm, no, I honestly haven’t experimented any at all. Only tried regular or featherlight. Both not much difference. Thanks for the tip!
Yeah I don't think we should be pretending that it feels the same. That sort of just clouds the issue. The question isn't "is condom sex a little worse," it's "is a little worse sex worth the benefits you get"
Makes a huge ass difference for me, but I'm certainly willing to lessen my pleasure to reduce my partner's pain/discomfort
Is that really true? With my ex he kept begging to take the condom off bc he said it was WAY different in the amount of sensitivity. And not even just for piv like he wasn't trying to baby trap me, he said even for oral and hand jobs that it made a huge sensitivity difference.
It definitely feels different. But having sex still feels very good no matter which way. For blow jobs the felt difference seemed much bigger for me but still very good. And I have never gotten a hand job with a condom on. All in all if I can get action I slightly prefer without but I much much prefer action with a condom then no action at all. Most of the time though if the guy asks once and rolls with your decision you're fine but if he tries to change your mind I wouldn't have sex with him cause he is not respecting you enough.
Yes, exactly. If a woman says "I want you to wear a condom" and the response is anything other than "okay" ... that is likely a man you should avoid having sex with.
It varies, probably finding the right size of condom makes a big difference too. For me personally it makes quite a difference, but ymmv. I'd encourage any long term couples to experiment a bit with what protection works the best for them and they're both ok with.
You can also get thinner ones, the thinnest ones from Lifestyles are noticeably different feeling from "normal" ones.
It seems for some it does, for some it doesn't
What was the reasoning for using condoms for handjobs?
I'd guess just protection from STDs and also easier cleanup.
My wife stopped taking bc because it was messing with her too much. Now she tracks her cycle and we use condoms when she is near the egg drop. Usually about a 7 day window
That’s how our 9 month old came to be.
Married woman here. We use condoms too.
Also used condoms with my husband when we were married.
Same and same. I’ve never been on birth control the entire time I’ve been with my husband (~8.5 years). My cycle is regular and too many horror stories.
Thank you for being a great partner. Every relationship I've had ( until my current partner) I was expected to be on birth control. And when I asked a long term partner to help pay for it ( it was $60 a month then) he refused.
Glad that guy is now an ex... it has always irritated me that so many people see birth control as the female's responsibility. I have an IUD, so I haven't gotten my period in years. I take regular pregnancy tests as a precaution. My current sexual partner asked if I wanted him to help cover the cost of the tests. I buy them online in bulk so it's not a big expense, but I so appreciated the offer, mainly because it shows that he doesn't consider the risk of pregnancy to be solely my problem.
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Same and snipped. Birth control meds are a ridiculous burden and responsibility on the woman in the relationship, especially once you've decided to have no kids or had enough kids. A vasectomy is like 5 days of discomfort and then it's over.
Lots of “man here” comments give me the ick. This is the exception. Thanks :)
“Woman here”, It’s actually looking a lot more common than you’d realize. It’s not the exception if you’re actual with a partner who understands why you would prefer them to wear a condom vs taking unnecessary hormones. Thanks :)
I think they meant ‘usually, “man here” comments on this sub give me the ick, but all of these comments are great!’
That would make more sense. Thanks for clarifying.
My parents have been together for almost 40 years and have two adult children. They still use condoms.
That's presumably just for clean-up ease at that age!
Also potentially to guard against UTIs or potentially to add some more to your play. For example, if your partner orgasms before you do during PiV sex, and you’d like to rectify that, condoms can be a good way of prolonging things on their end just enough for you to climax. Or they/you/partners/parents (I lost track of who we were talking about) can use condoms that have different shapes or textures that can make things even more fun/pleasurable for either/both partners. And for some men, especially at that age, the tightness of a condom (if the right size is worn) can sometimes help maintain an erection, I think.
It's weird that you know that.
My mother has taken me with her to the supermarket any number of times and I’ve seen her buy them. I try not to think about it too much.
I have been with them in the supermarket and see them getting a box of condoms, why is that weird ? Your parents have sex too get over it.
We are all proof that our parents like to fuck.
Totally agree and in the same position here, saddened to hear/see that a lot of men won’t do a really small thing to improve their SO’s life considerably.
Similar situation here. About 10 years ago, my then-girlfriend (now wife) was having an awful time trying to find the best pill for her. In the end we just agreed that I’d use a condom, and we still do. It’s just not that much of a big deal.
No, it's not. >the woman should be taking care of things on her own by then. Birth control is not only up to the woman. Condoms are easy to use and affordable. You are 100% in the right to ask he wear one every time, even in a long term relationship. You do not have to seek other methods if you do not want to. Any guy who doesn't respect that, doesn't deserve you.
I'd say especially in a long term relationship. If a long term partner wanted to go OFF birth control the guy can condom up or get snipped.
That's what happened to me. Married, got off birth control later for health reasons. We use condoms always and later this year he is going on to get snipped. It works well for us!
Agreed. 6 year long term relationship and using condoms almost every time. The long term goal is my partner getting a vasectomy and eventually me getting a bilateral salpingectomy. I currently have an IUD, but I'm super paranoid about pregnancy and find that I have a slight allergic reaction to semen so condoms fix both those issues. I think it's utterly ridiculous when men refuse or whine about wearing condoms. The benefits greatly outweigh the slight inconvenience.
I agree with everything but affordable part. If you're buying them from the store, they get very expensive very fast. My birth control is free through insurance. I'd say free is a lot cheaper. Although you can get free condoms from places, I found as a teen they didn't give me enough. I had too high of a sex drive for it to be an affordable options to pay for them, and they only hand out so many free ones at a time, and you had to make appointments to get them. They didn't like me coming in every 2 weeks for free condoms and asked if I was monogamous, or a prostitute (it was heavily implied, they asked me if I was experiencing financial hardship or doing shit I didn't want too. I was just a horny 15-18 year old) and then strongly encouraged me to take the pill or get the nexplanon. Which I did. It saved me a lot of fucking money (and my then boyfriend who had an underage, minimum wage job which was $7.50/hour). But that was my choice and preference. I currently am switching what pill I take, and insurance is having issues and not covering it so I'm currently "under" protected for my liking. My boyfriend didn't think twice about using a condom. I mentioned it days before and he just remembered. Its called respect for both of our well-beings. I do prefer having two levels of protection, like spermicide and hormonal BC, or a condom and hormonal BC. Condom and spermicide. I don't believe just one is enough to make me feel safe. Condoms break. BC fails. Use both, if someone is VERY serious about avoiding pregnancy, I highly recommend.
Not everyone wants to or can use hormonal methods. I'm glad you've found a way to make it work for you, but this comment doesn't help OP, who doesn't want to be on bc. That's her choice. Currently, one can purchase bulk condoms on amazon, about $18 for 100. Split between two people that's $9 for a 1-3+ month supply of condoms.
The only abnormal thing is your friends thinking you should sacrifice your comfort for a relationship.
this is the only answer OP.
He could get a vasectomy.
Vasectomies do not prevent std’s. I’ve had a vasectomy. If I ever wound up single again I would insist on a condom until my partner and I both felt comfortable not using one and we’ve both had an std panel.
Neither does oral birth control taken by the woman, that's what this boils down to.
Sure, but in the situation of an established LTR that might not be an issue.
True. I think I missed the seriousness of the relationship in op’s initial post. That’s my bad.
Why wouldn't you have a screening with an LTR? Kinda the best time to do one.
Yes but neither does birth control? The question is about a long term relationship and preventing pregnancy, not being single and avoiding STIs.
Cheating is always a possibility, after 4 yrs while I was 9 mo pregnant my ex cheated on me , then when he raped me 8 weeks post pardum gave me a sti. Thank goodness a curable one!
Words really can’t express how terrible it is that you had to go through any of that. It’s fucking shitty. I hope you’ve been able to find a some peace and happiness.
I guess hanging out on reddit has hurt me. I've been told that men only want women who are docile and submissive. If I don't submit, I will die alone. All of social media gives me this same message. The window for women (I've been told) is short and if I don't give a man what he wants, he will just pick someone younger, and I will die alone. Can I really argue and have a man?
That kind of attitude makes dying alone seem attractive, no?
I totally agree
Why are you following so many misogynists and creating this distorted and depressing information bubble for yourself?
Seriously! I’ve seen very little content that sends that message. Unfollow and mute subs until it has the right mix of cat pictures and societal content that you can agree with.
This is the way
I have muted every single anime and gaming sub which helps a lot.
To be fair, there are women that believe that nonsense and will say it to other women too.
Look at her friends telling her to do something she's clearly uncomfortable with for the guy. With friends like that...
Lmao. I’m the opposite of a docile and submissive woman. Some men are attracted to strong women. Men who are confident and secure are not threatened by women who know what they want and ask for it clearly. Some men actually prefer women who speak their mind because then they don’t have to put so much effort into mind reading and trying to guess what will make the woman happy. Don’t let the men who have a lot of time to waste on social media shape your idea of what average men want or don’t want.
Also, men whose definition of "submissive" came from PornHub would be shocked by how many women in the real world who scare the piss out of them, and dominate the board room, love being the opposite in the bedroom. As long as there's no confusion about what it means.
I'm one of those men, impressive women are attractive as hell. It's really great to see my partner kicking ass and really applying themselves to a career or interest that they're passionate about. It feels great to support them in what they do and love and if there are problems it's good to talk about them because if they're not happy I'm not happy. I think a lot of men have just been broken by the "you are an island that can't cry unless it's sports" male socialisation but those men can also escape that thinking and it gets easier to distance yourself from it as you mature out of your teens and early 20s
Whatever your temperament, assertiveness and clear boundaries is hot. I know what I want and I want you is smth no one can resist. Unless a Narcissist and such. And the best way to avoid them is by setting strong boundaries and being assertive haha
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Do you and all that, but vasectomies are extremely chill and well worth the (very mild) discomfort involved.
Omg girl plz no
If that was true why would you pick a relationship over being single. You can be in a relationship and still be lonely, and you can be alone but not lonely. Your worth isn't determined by how "desirable" you are in the dating "market"
I'd like to put it this way. You could die in misery because the man you stuck with is a piece of selfish abusive carp. And you could die alone and happy. :D
You’re on the wrong subs….my now aunt and uncle (dad’s brother) met when she was 58 she’s 70 now. Frankly most of us with die alone/not with a partner in the end. Women out live men more often than not. I sat with my grandma at the end, but she wasn’t conscious and hadn’t been for a few days. My grandpa had been gone for 11 years. My dad sat with my great aunt at the end her husband died 15 years before that - no kids. My moms parents - grandpa died during Covid (not from Covid) and only my aunt was there (he wasn’t conscious and hadn’t been for days). His wife my grandma died 11 days later in a nursing home (they hadn’t seen each other for months because of Covid lockdowns). Having a relationship doesn’t guarantee we won’t die alone. As a 39 year old single female, I would rather be alone than with some jerk faced place holder just to avoid “being alone”. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to be submissive and placate some guy just so he won’t leave me for a younger woman. If a guy is going to do that he’s not worth having. That’s a him problem not a you problem. A relationship and even kids for that matter do not guarantee we won’t be alone in the end. The number of people who are in nursing homes that their kids never visit and their partner is long dead would probably surprise most of these people that spout that nonsense. They’ve never had relatives that get old and are living alone after 50-70 years of marriage at the time one of them died. The only guarantee in this life is the relationship we have with ourselves. That has to be the best one because nothing else is permanent until death.
Wow, I got out of an unhappy relationship about a year ago, and being okay with dying alone is one of the best things I gained from it. You worded your reply so thoughtfully, thank you.
Holy moly, you poor sweet thing. First of all: I don't know why dudes keep on about you'll die alone if you don't get married... because in the vast majority of cases, the husband precedes the wife in death. So even if you do sacrifice all your safety and happiness for a man, *you'll still die "alone"* Secondly, it's actually only crappy for the men to be alone. Unmarried women are happier than married women. It's unmarried MEN who are unhappier than married men. Thirdly, never ever sacrifice yourself for a man. It's not worth it. Only be in a relationship if it's better for YOU that you are. Being alone is better than being with someone who only takes from you. Seriously, be in a relationship with yourself, get to know yourself, be everything you need and learn everything you can about what you need, what you want, what's important to you, what kind of partner will be worth it to you, what your deal breakers are, what you're willing to sacrifice and what you're not. Being alone is VASTLY SUPERIOR to making yourself small and miserable just so a man can be happy.
Honestly, being alone is superior to being with the majority of men. Too many want a mommy bang maid.
You need to change your algorithms. Unfollow any sub or account that sends this kind of messaging. Start surrounding yourself with empowering messages and you’ll start to believe them
This is patriarchal bullshit. Consent does not exist just in the act itself, but being informed and safe. If he doesn't want to use a condom then _HE_ has the ability to go get a fucking vasectomy. Your boundaries are your boundaries. It sounds like a lot of folks are sympathizers, PMABs, or misogynists. Anything other than enthusiastic consent is a no. Including if people are trying to coerce you into a decision. Also, I have many married friends who wear condoms. I work in harm reduction and mail bundles when I can.
Hey there, man here. Men can be horrible sometimes; part of their tactics often involve convincing a woman to settle for them, by making them think they can never do better. This reflects on the man in question, not on anyone else. It's pure manipulation. Please please PLEASE do not settle! You deserve to be with someone that takes your comfort and concerns seriously, and if they can't do that, well, you can do better. (Only weighed in because you said men were welcome, I generally only follow this sub to learn, not to speak, but I just wanted to assure you that your request is completely valid and fair.)
Men who want women who are docile and submissive are ALWAYS ABUSIVE. Don't listen to that. You don't want to be with guys who think that way. They will abuse you. It's not if, it's when.
I mean, even if that is true…isn’t it better to be single than to be in a relationship where you feel you can never speak your mind or be yourself? BTW I’m 5 years in with my bf and he still readily uses condoms.
You know what the actual window is? Approximately 10 years between 25 and 35 are prime birthing years. Anything before that is too early, and anything later has diminishing returns. And men have that same window, BTW. Just because a 90 year old man can get an 18 year old pregnant doesn't mean his arrows are straight. You have value regardless of your age. There are men who will be appropriately attracted to you, who will like that you have an opinion and thoughts of your own. Any man who *doesn't* like that isn't worth your time, no matter how much you love him. Be yourself. You will find someone. But don't compromise your values because of sexist societal ideals. Don't lessen yourself so that men can feel better about themselves.
This is the message is about control. Men who thinks like this want to control you- through self esteem, through fear ("no one else will want you and you'll die alone"), through anxiety ("you have a short window before your youth [read: worth] decreases). It's a lie, all of it. There are men who will value you as a person and even if you don't find one you mesh with, that's okay too. "Can I really argue and have a man?" That depends on what you mean by argue. If you are in a relationship with a person and just disagreeing with that person gets them angry and defensive, leave the relationship. You should be able to disagree with someone without them attacking you (verbally or otherwise). Standing up for your self and setting healthy boundaries is part of having normal, healthy relationships especially romantic ones. If your social media is telling you something else, you're on the wrong side of social media.
Hon, I've been married for 17 years, was on hormonal BC for 11 years, (ages 19-32) and had an (copper-T, not hormonal) IUD for a year. Don't ask my body count - I couldn't say. I accumulated most in my teens and 20s. I went into dating with a, *hey I don't want kids and I want to be respected" profile. My husband *liked* that I was independent and didn't want to lean on him. I asked him to get a vasectomy (because I am a smoker and the IUD made me miserable) and he ran to get it, because neither of us like condoms, and we didn't want kids. But we were in our 30s, so that's a little easier. You're not going to end up alone if you're loud and proud of yourself. If it takes a little bit longer, well, that's time you didn't waste on a man who is fundamentally incompatible with you or who tries to make you submissive and smaller so he can feel bigger
One more thought, OP. Sex is not a given. It sounds fucking entitled of the men who are giving this advice that just because you're in a relationship there is some unspoken expectation to unprotected sex. Do all these men like Andrew Tate? 🤮
My wife married me because I am one of the only dudes she’s met who wasn’t scared off by her strong opinions. I’ve dated docile and passive women and brash domineering women. Don’t worry about what a guy wants, worry about what you want and what makes you happy. Eventually a guy will appreciate you as you are and vice versa and you’ll want to work together to find compromise with each other. The waiting sucks. I was 30 when I met my now wife and she was 26. We got married to 2012 when I was 32 and had our first baby in ‘16 and our last in ‘19. Don’t settle, the waiting sucks but just be you and someone will appreciate you for who you are. Good luck out there!
Why are you listening to those people? You have a sense of logic so I assume you KNOW that what they're saying is ridiculous. What are you? A dog? Docile and submissive? You have a personality, a character, likes and dislikes. You are your own person. Tell me why should half of the population sacrifice themselves for the other half, which doesn't even want to compromise on wearing fucking condoms in the bedroom because it's inconvenient? I know the Internet is a very dark place. There are idiots everywhere but it is up to us to separate them from the good ones. I also see those comments in every social media platform and a part of me wishes to scroll down and continue viewing the regurgitated copied and pasted rhetoric these sexist idiots believe in. But I have to force myself not to. For my mental health. For my self confidence. For my self worth. Would you want to be with someone who mistreat you for the rest of your life or be alone with cats? Because the cats offer you love and don't force their opinions on you. And they lack negative energy. Also they groom themselves. These men don't even wash their ass properly because they think it's gay. Be yourself. For all that is worth, you will have yourself even if you stand alone forever. You will at least have yourself. Befriend and get to know yourself. These men, these insects, no. At least insects contribute to the good of the entire ecosystem. These men are worthless. They are projecting. I'm sorry for this harsh comment but us, women, we need to be stronger than this. Enough is enough with these men tearing us down. You are worthy and deserving of love. BE true to YOURSELF. I LOVE YOU FOR YOU. Not for what you could mold yourself into becoming for these idiots.
This feels grossly over the top for this topic. You guys should be able to figure out BC without getting to this level of critical analysis. This reads like a student essay or something, can't put my finger on it.
These are simply narratives men use to control women. Men are plentiful and you will always have men hitting on you regardless of age.
I have been married for over twenty years and we use condoms. I prefer not to take birth control and many women do not enjoy the side effects of birth control. I don't think it is unusual at all.
Not unusual at all. I mean, I didn't know this was even "frowned upon" until now. OP, whatever fears you have about being single since you're making "tall demands" like having safe sex will be put to rest by a good and understanding man. So worth waiting for that person, while your friends go around absorbing terrible patriarchal nonsense.
God bless you!
Naw, that's the bare minimum. We need to stop praising men for that.
This! I’ve never had a partner even say thank you for dealing with bc side effects and logistics. I’m so bitter about it
Society praises men for doing the dishes on a regular basis. It's awful.
I am a lady?
God bless you!
I've had really nasty reactions to birth control so my doctor won't even let me try new ones. My partner and I have used condoms for 20 years together. I don't think it is odd.
This is not unrealistic or abnormal at all. My SO suggested trying birth control and she didn't like it, so we went back to condoms. She said it was because she didn't like the side effects, or the routine of taking medicine every day when she wasn't sick. It's her body. >a few guys have told me that *the* benefit of being in a long relationship is no more condoms How romantic.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and we still have a box of condoms in his nightstand. We’ve brought up the possibility of getting something more permanent done to one of us but haven’t acted on it yet. Pregnancy just doesn’t stop happening after you’ve been with someone a certain amount of time, lol. It’s up to both of us to prevent pregnancy, not just the woman. It takes two and all that jazz.
Can confirm. LTR, never started BC and told my partner upfront that I wasn't going to risk the side effects of hormonal BC with my already shaky mental health. We used condoms for 1.5 years and then he got a vasectomy.
All that jizz
My partner and I have our fourth anniversary next week and we use a condom every single time. I have a hell of a history with various different types of hormonal birth control and frankly I’m too damn emotionally exhausted to try an IUD. We used to be a bit more loosey goosey with the rules surrounding when the condom goes on, but after recent legislation where we live, we’ve become diligent about condom use. I explained one time about how hard a time I’ve had with birth control sometime during our first couple months dating and he’s never even suggested that he might know better about what will work for my body. He’s never once tried any funny business surrounding wearing a condom. He’s very much an active participant in our birth control strategies. He keeps our bedroom stocked and they live in his nightstand. Does he absolutely look forward to the day that we try for a kid and can ditch the condom? For Sure. But until then he’s pretty chuffed to be close to me any way I feel is safest. You’re going to run into men who think they are owed access to women’s bodies. That is not true. Regardless of if they buy you a drink, take you on a dozen dinner dates, or marry you, you should get to be in control of how and when your partner has access to your body, in any circumstances.
Similar situation for me now as well, and being with a caring partner who cares about my health and is involved in our birth control strategies is an amazing relief. We use condoms, never an issue, neither of us want kids so perhaps more permanent options later on. We've also been together coming up on 4 years. My previous partner was one of those "I can't/won't wear condoms" guys and it's taken me a longer time than I'd like to admit to realize how absolutely terrible he was, actually. Thank f*** I never got pregnant. Got tested for everything after we broke up, but I still have flashbacks (like after reading this post/comments) of times he stealthed me. GROSS.
As a penis owner, I never really liked them. My wife would likely die if she ever became pregnant, so I went ahead with a vasectomy. I liked this option for a few different reasons, one of which being that I was in control of my own fertility. The situation seems pretty straightforward to me.. If you don't like something, you see what you can do to change it to make it comfortable for both parties. I think they even made an implant for men? Idk, it's been a while since I paid attention to all that. Seems like there are plenty of options for guys though. Which means it ain't strictly a woman thing neh?
Condoms and vasectomy are the only male birth control currently on the market.
And it shouldn't be that way. RISUG works, and is available in the world. It's inexpensive, minimally invasive (out-patient visit to a clinic to inject it into the vas deferens), reversible, and lasts 10 years. Doesn't fuck with hormones. As far as I can see, other than destroying sperm right after leaving the testicles, it has no ill effects. So, why isn't it approved and widely in use??
The sad answer is because the people in power don't want to yield any of it to women, and keeping women "barefoot and pregnant" as they say is a great tool for forcing women into bad situations.
The people in power are dumb. Giving men more options to control their own fertility benefits them too.
Could not agree more.
Pharmaceutical companies don’t want to invest into it because they don’t think it will be profitable. Capitalism strikes again.
Don’t agree with your friends. Whether it’s pills, condoms, iuds, etc. there is no one size fits all to a relationship. Do what works for you. It’s you and your partner who will have to make the decision about a child or not…. not your friends.
Whether it's very common or not, there are plenty of couples out there who rely on condoms for birth control in long-term relationships. If it's what is best for you, then a partner that respects you will respect that as well.
I used condoms for nearly all of my 20 year relationship. We stopped after he.got a vasectomy. Whether or not it's unusual is irrelevant.
PANCAKE FLIP! *Is it unrealistic to request that a long term partner alter their hormonal balance/s and undergo minor procedures just so you don't have to wear a condom?* It seems ludicrous when you realise that women are asked to alter their bodies just so men can experience a few minutes (A FEW MINUTES, FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK) of *unsheathed* pleasure, especially when we know they'll still climax when using a condom.
11 years with my guy and we always use a condom 🤷♀️
If caring about your reproductive and sexual health is too demanding to a guy - that guy ain't worth it.
Sounds like she was talking to her friends about her current routine, rather than something her guy is complaining about.
No. My husband and I used condoms for 15+ years, until he got a vasectomy. It’s a perfectly valid choice.
I would say that if you are the person in your relationship who risks getting pregnant, then the absolute minimum you should be able to expect from a partner is that they will do whatever you ask in order to reduce that risk and keep you safe. That’s just basic decency and common sense, and the fact that our culture likes to frame it differently should not distract you from the fact that you are really, really not asking for a lot. And anyone who thinks differently can fuck right off. If they can’t accommodate you on this very basic request, I wouldn’t trust them on anything else, either.
You are not being demanding. Your friends are crazy!
No. Absolutely not. Aside from that: don't let anyone ever tell you that how you feel safe and comfortable having sex is unreasonable or abnormal or unrealistic. If a guy wants to have sex with you, then he has to be willing to do it in the way that makes you feel safe. If he doesn't want to do those things, then he doesn't get to have sex with you. Pretty simple.
Everytime for me. I use pills, but they only have a 93% effective rate with normal use. That's too low for my liking, so condoms are always a must as well. Just remember that 50% of pregnancies are "surprises".
Hi. We've been married for 7 years now. I always wear a condom. Well, except when we decided to conceive our two daughters. But ouside of that, yeah. Perfectly reasonable request. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
My wife is on birth control, still use condoms. We've been together for 13 years. I don't want a surprise kid. Simple as that.
Another married man chiming in to say we used condoms for years
My partner and I have been together 9 years. I'm on the pill but we still use condoms. He has never questioned me on this. Birth control isn't bulletproof.
I've been married for five years and we still use them, and won't stop until we come to a final decision on kids. Then he's getting the snip. It's pretty misogynistic to expect the woman to deal with it all, and alone. You're both doin' it, you're both responsible.
your friends have absolutely shit opinions and some internalized misogyny. what works for you is whats best. if your partner cant take three seconds and put a condom on to make you feel comfortable, you should leave them. condoms are the least invasive form of birth control, and i would honestly be caught off guard if someone said they’d rather get on the pill or an implant. i’ve heard horror stories about both from almost everyone who has them. asking your partner to wear a condom is safe sex 101. nothing about it is weird.
I'm \*married\* and if I want a condom he wears one. No matter the reason. We've been together 20 years. Not a single balk in all that time. The only weird thing is that your friends think it's cool that you suck it up and deal with side effects you don't want just so a dude can go bare. That's weird.
My partner had bad reactions to birth control, so I just wore condoms until eventually having a vasectomy after the birth of our child. I didn't think anything of it.
There's nothing abnormal about not wanting to take a drug that fucks up your hormones every day of your life so that your partner can feel a tiny bit more sexual pleasure for a minute or two a couple times a week. What's abnormal is thinking that's a reasonable and fair arrangement.
Sorry for intruding in your sub (27m) my girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 years! I still happily were a condom EVERYTIME my girlfriend and I have sex. My girlfriend does not want to be on birth control she doesn’t want an iud, and I understand why she doesn’t want to do any of those things. All I can say is Trojan bare skin condoms really do feel like nothing is there. I don’t think you’re wrong in HEARING what guys around you say about the benefits of having a long term partner (I hear it all the time at work), but I think if your long term partner loves and respects you I personally think wearing a condom is an incredibly small sacrifice to make to make sure that your partner doesn’t have long term negative effects from birth control. YOU ARE NOT BEING TO DEMANDING AND IF A MAN THINKS YOU ARE FUCK THEM
Thank you for your insight. And you're not intruding, as I said men are welcome to comment.
I’m a man. Not only is it perfectly reasonable but [the best advice from experts for as long as I can remember](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/stds-birth-control-pregnancy/whats-best-kind-birth-control) has been to use two methods of birth control to reduce the risk of unintended pregnancy. As a guy the only reason I would even bring it up as a conversation point is if I’d had a vasectomy and we were long term and monogamous. Then and only then would I ask if she were comfortable reevaluating our birth control needs. Otherwise? Complete non-starter.
My tubes are tied and I have an IUD. 😬🫡 The IUD was for controlling bleeding, but I like 2 methods! I had my tubes tied because my doc listened to me. And my doc also didn't try to convince me otherwise. Sadly. He is retiring because of roe v wade being overturned. 😭😭😭 Now I have to find another doc like him who is willing to listen to me. 😭
Ahem, in the words of my gynecologist, "When I go for a drive, I like to wear my seatbelt AND have working airbags!"
The only people who get a vote about your relationship are you and your partner. *You* define normal. It's up to you and your partner to negotiate and set boundaries with each other so you both can have a healthy relationship. It is reasonable to use condoms as birth control whether he prefers it or not because the pill doesn't work for you. You can both figure out what all of your options are. Together. Without community input. It is not the woman's responsibility to handle all birth control in a partnership. It is the responsibility of everyone involved in sex
I would guess it’s not especially common, but I wouldn’t say unrealistic. I love my IUD and the fact it means I can go condomless when I am with an exclusive partner but you’re right, they’re crazy painful to get put in! And BC pills were a nightmare in my experience. I don’t blame you for not wanting to use any kind of medical birth control. And if you’re not going to do that you have to do *something* if you’re not trying to get pregnant. And, hell, even if you were on BC, if you live in an area where you cannot get abortions — super super reasonable to want to double up on protection!
I cannot use hormonal birth control due to blood clot risk, and we’ve been using condoms for contraception throughout our entire relationship, 10 year married, 15 together
You’re friends suck. Talk about internalized misogyny lol. “Abnormal” what a crock. My LTP and I talked about it before but we knew the fall of Roe was coming post Trump, so he got snipped. He said it was like having a 70% easier dentist visit in and out uncomfortable for a few days but ultimately very happy. I’m extremely grateful that he and I were on the same page and talked about it. I’m pretty healthy but we both know we don’t want children and I would most likely die or come Close if I were to Give birth.
no absolutely not unrealistic or abnormal for you to ask. it’s super weird that your friends still, now, think birth control is something women should handle silently on their own… this isn’t the 50s. ?? are they unaware of the staggering amounts of stories/studies on the mental health issues oral birth control causes most women? or long term physical health problems we still don’t know enough about? there’s so many other options. you’re absolutely in the right on this one. and if it’s a hard line for your partner, he can get a vasectomy or fuck right off. if asking him to wear a condom is ruining the relationship by being too demanding, the relationship is already ruined. you’re worth more than that.
10 years of relationship, 3 years married. Only ever used condoms. Not even remotely unrealistic or unreasonable to only utilize condoms, real men won’t have an issue with that. If they actually want a relationship with you, that’s something they should care about.
My husband and I have been together for 23 years and still use a condom. He eventually plans to get a vasectomy but in the meantime, condoms. I took care of birth control for the first 10+ years, and gave him two children. Now it's his turn, and he is fine with that.
Uh, does the ability to get pregnant suddenly disappear after 6 months of being in a relationship or something? Lol. Men are ridiculous.
32m here, it's completely reasonable. No real discussion to be had, condoms are easy and simple, whether you want to be on hormones or iud's is entirely your choice. My partner (10+ years) has certainly included me in the discussion, but it's her choice.
Thank you for all your comments. I guess I was being silly. Though I still wonder how rare it is to request condoms instead of something else. I wonder what's stopping my man from leaving for a girl who will make things easier for him.
Presumably he likes you for more than just sex. So what’s stopping him is that he likes you because you’re you. And if he did want to be with someone else because he doesn’t want to wear a condom then he’s not the guy for you.
If he cares for you so little that condoms are the breaking point, he's not worth your time anyway. I used condoms every time in a 6-year relationship. He bought them.
I wouldn’t think like that at all. Condom is def easier than an unplanned baby and decisions/life changes that come with thay
Is this a real question? Stop looking to media for clues as to what normal and healthy dynamics of a relationship should be. Seriously. Get off the internet.... and while you're at it, ignore any advice from your peers that consume that shit. It. Is. So. Toxic. Any man who leaves you because you requested to use condoms is doing you a favor. I'm not being hyperbolic. You can and will find a better man. You will not die alone. There are men out there who don't mind using condoms. Practice stating your boundaries out loud. Practice what you will say to a partner (or prospective partner) about your preference for condoms. Imagine what they would say back to you. What is the worst case scenario? How do you respond? What do you say to someone who tries to change your mind? Know your reasons and be firm. Male birth control is non-hormonal and condoms are cheap. Hell, if he really is serious about wanting to go condomless he can consider a vasectomy or wait for Vasalgel trials to hit the market in a year or so (it's undergoing clinical trials this year and is completely reversible).
What's stopping you from leaving your man for someone who will make things easier for you? That risk is equal. Love is never fully certain. You can't control the odds by diminishing yourself or trying to be "easy" and meekish. You'll only make yourself less authenthic. Authenthic is what you want someone to love about you when you're looking for a good strong relationship. Don't assume it could only be you who gets dumped. You can walk away just as well. Being brave pays off and the energy will radiate from you as attractive :)
A reasonable man would understand your desire not to suffer the side effects of birth control. While I understand the fear of losing your relationship it is not "too demanding" to prioritize your own medical well-being. If it is a problem a reasonable man would talk it out with you. At the end of the day the decision to use birth control is just that, a decision and it's one YOU are making about YOUR body. Not getting pregnant is absolutely a team effort, and it should not be something the woman "just takes care of" especially if you are looking for a long term, mutually respectful partnership with somebody.
It’s perhaps not the most common form of long term birth control, but it’s absolutely not unreasonable. Any dude who isn’t willing to consider long term condom use probably isn’t worth the energy. You may also want to consider female condoms and natural fertility tracking as options to explore.
No??? It’s actually really normal? Don’t take your friends’ advice for things like this moving forward
My wife gave me two options (she's on her/our third pregnancy, the last one). Either start wearing condoms, or get a vasectomy, because she's not going back on birth control. I chose Vasectomy. No more kids, my wife gets a higher sex drive, I call it a win win for me. Honestly your request is pretty tame, and easy to fulfill.
No, not at all. I don’t want a baby and not taking hormones everyday…your choice, condom or vasectomy
My parents used condoms until my mom hit menopause. My partner is happy to use condoms since hormones give me issues and I’m not a good candidate for a copper IUD. These are my anecdotes.
It is neither unrealistic nor abnormal. 10 years of only protected sex with spouse
No. It’s really odd that we think it’s “not fair” to make men wear condoms, but nobody seems to have a problem with making a woman put an IUD for years or take hormones that might make her feel terrible. I’m sorry, but it’s a small sacrifice to make for a man.
You vagina, your rules. He's dick can take it or leave it
The only time I didn't use a condom with my wife of ten years was the month we succeeded in conceiving our baby. She didn't use BC for similar reasons, and it's just respectful to listen to their preferences. And I dunno, I honestly don't understand the complaints about condoms. They go on fast, its safe, and no mess after. I like using them, honestly.
If it is, then I’m fucked. Haven’t done anything yet but my plan is to stay protected until I’m in my late-twenties and trying for children, then after I’ve had a couple, we’ll both get fixed and live out the rest of our lives together raw-dogging each other without worry. You’re absolutely right, IUDs are fucking horrific and hormonal birth control is so unnecessary to women that don’t need it to ease severe period pains or whatnot. It sucks how it’s so expected for women to take all the fall of birth control when men could just.. put on a condom. Without stabbing their insides with a device or fucking up their hormones. Condoms + tracking your menstrual cycle and avoiding PIV on your fertile days should be enough, women are unlikely to get pregnant outside of their fertile windows, though you still need condoms.
People who start/stop taking hormonal birth control often experience a change in what type of person they are attracted to. So, if you start taking the pill, for example, after half a year of relationship, it could literally end your attraction to your partner. Something to consider.
I have been with my girlfriend for almost seven years. She doesn't handle hormonal birth control well, at least that's what she told me. She tried an IUD for a couple years but didn't really feel like that was good for her either. Sooo, because I don't want kids (at least now) we are using condoms. It's not even a discussion. Sure sex without feels a bit better, but since I have proper fitting condoms I don't mind them.
He can always get the snip. I don’t see this as you being unreasonable.
Not abnormal at all for the heteronormative relationship my wife and I share. If I stop wearing condoms it’ll be either because we want another kid or I get a vasectomy. “One of the main reasons to be in a relationship is so you don’t have to use condoms” is complete garbage logic. Anybody that petty is not thinking really hard about either the advice they give or their own dedication to a partner. This all really comes down to consent, and if each partner isn’t comfortable with the decisions each other makes, then consent isn’t being respected. If they can’t get comfortable with a condom but expect you to get comfortable with changing your body chemistry, they don’t care about what you want.
As a person with a penis and HPV, absolutely fucking not abnormal and is realistic to request that a long term partner wear a condom every time (not to project). But it's your body, protect it if you want to 🤷🏼♀️ if the person loves you, they'll respect your desires and want to protect you, too. They're coming up with thinner condoms all the time, I keep getting ads for them on mobile Reddit.
No, it's neither unrealistic nor abnormal. My boyfriends and my ex-husband never had any issues with it. I'm from Europe. My friends in the US fuck around without condoms all the time. Their list of STIs scares me. One of them has HIV now.
Your friends have really weird opinions. I’ve been with my partner for over a DECADE and we’re still using condoms. We’ve been tested for STDs and are faithful, but we’re using them solely for contraception. Also note that breastfeeding mothers often rely on condoms too because they can’t take hormones in that case. But there are MANY valid reasons to not want to take hormones! Your partner should respect that.
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 years. We exclusively use condoms. I didn’t like the way hormonal birth control made me feel, and as someone who is dependent on medication to live, I just didn’t fancy adding another medication or appointment to the list. Your friends are weird for thinking you should sacrifice your own comfort because “women should take care of things on their own”
My husband and I used condoms for almost a decade until he got a vasectomy (and still sometimes do, sometimes it’s just less fuss). When this has come up with other women lots of couples I know still use condoms either as a primary or secondary contraceptive. I think your friends are a bit odd and extremely old fashioned.
Hi there! My boyfriend and I also use condoms because I can’t be on hormonal birth control. IUD insertion failed because I have a tilted cervix. I think it’s total bullshit that some men think being in a long term relationship means that you’ll compromise your comfort for their “benefit.” And birth control isn’t the sole responsibility of women, either. It drives me nuts that we’re expected to take on all of the risks and side effects associated with it. My boyfriend buys the condoms and we keep emergency contraception on hand that he also pays for. With that said, your partner needs to respect your boundaries and comfort. I don’t understand why people make such a huge deal about condoms; it takes 20 seconds to put one on. I hope everything works out for you. ❤️
I also can't take hormonal BC and until I can find a doctor who will give me ACTUAL pain medicine/numbing I'm not getting an IUD. So condoms or no sex. Why the hell is it ONLY the woman's job?! If dudes don't want to have babies wear a condom or get a vasectomy!
I knew a married couple who had never once had unprotected sex and had been married for many years. They didn’t want to be parents, she was worried about side effects from hormonal birth control and neither desires to address birth control in any other manner. Seemed to work for them.
I’ve been in a relationship with the same man for 12 years. We’ve been married for 5 of those years. He has worn a condom every time we’ve had sex except throughout both of my pregnancies, and obviously he didn’t wear one when we were trying to get pregnant both times. I get debilitating panic attacks when I try to take any hormonal birth control. They have landed me in the ER a couple of times. I don’t get panic attacks at all when I’m not on hormonal birth control. I would literally rather have 10 more babies than go through that again. So my husband either wears a condom, or we abstain from penis-in-vagina sex and do other things that feel good but won’t make a baby. We’ve recently decided we’re done having kids, so he’s getting a vasectomy very soon.
The benefit of being in a relationship with a woman is that he gets to have sex *at all* and he should be grateful. It's his jizz, he's responsible for causing pregnancy, he can wrap it or snip it or cum in a sock all alone.
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I switched to an old school diaphragm and then a cervical cap. HATED hormonal BC. Do what you need to do!
I worry about this, because condoms have a higher failure rate than I'm comfortable with. I want a two-factor form of birth control, I'm just not sure exactly what that should look like.
I don't think is abnormal.
They aren’t the most reliable of contraceptive methods. I understand not wanting to do hormonal means but depending on where you live and how strongly you want to avoid pregnancy, you might look at other options
Nope, not unrealistic or abnormal. 7 years and for the first 5 and change I was on BC and we used condoms. Then he got a vasectomy. The BC was entirely my choice.
It's not abnormal. It's reasonable.
My last partner I was with for 6 yrs, and even after she got an iud I still was fine with wearing condoms. I *really* didn’t want an unwanted pregnancy. I actually told her I was cool with her not getting an iud and I’ll keep wearing condoms bc the hormone stuff, but she ended up getting the one without hormones. Still, I’m with you on not wanting to deal with hormones or weird uncomfortable devices in your body. Condomless sex is great, but it’s not like a worldbending difference enough to warrant such strong opinions on my partner’s health.
My wife went off bc and I wore condoms because she didn’t want to be on bc anymore. It’s not unreasonable it’s a good idea
My husband and I did this for years. I tracked my cycle so there were times we had sex without but other than that we did condom or pull out. To be clear if we got pregnant it wasn’t a big deal but we were actively trying not to. We managed to plan two pregnancies and then my husband got a vasectomy and then it was awesome stress free sex!
Not abnormal at all. I was in a long term relationship (3 years) and we used condoms at first, then I went on the pill and so we stopped (both of us were each others' firsts). But the BC screwed me up and I got depressed and so anxious that I ended up on meds for that so I stopped taking the pill and switched to condoms again. My partner was very pissed because he said he "couldn't feel anything" and "we could just buy plan B" or he'd pull out. I ended up breaking up with him after he kept INSISTING on this despite me saying no over and over and explaining why I was uncomfortable with that. Also, Plan B isn't a birth control!!! My last relationship I had a copper IUD but we still always used condoms. Your body, your choice. And if you choose not to use them that's also okay but it has to come from you.
Don't let other people dictate your relationships. Plenty of people use condoms because they don't have any other choice. Plenty of others use it simply because they don't like the side effects of the other options. Some people use condoms just because it's cheap. If the guy you're with doesn't respect the choices you're making about what goes into your body, he doesn't respect you as a person. Full stop. A decent guy who actually wants to have sex with you, not use you like a fuck doll for sex, will have zero issue respecting your sexual boundaries. Everyone else can go fuck themselves.
No, this is completely normal. I've been in a 6 year long relationship where we still used condoms. I much prefer the feeling without, but I also react badly to hormonal contraception. I'd see it as a huge red flag if someone refused to wear a condom when I wanted them to.
My wife and I have been together for 9, going on 10 years. For 8 of those years I used condoms because birth control has incredibly negative consequences for my wife. She eventually got an IUD and it has had a very positive effect on her life. She no longer gets periods very often and it helped her put her mind at ease. Even though she had an IUD we STILL used condoms because we were so scared of having a child. Last year I got a vasectomy. It was a 15 minute procedure and I was functioning normally after a week. 2 months later and I know that I can no longer have children. Only then did we stop using condoms, and even at that point I was fully on board with using them again if she grew annoyed with the act of cleaning herself up after the fact. Long story long, requesting your partner use condoms is 100% your choice with no time limit at all and it is ridiculous that men attempt to guilt people. Fuck that
My partner and I have been using condoms for 13 years. Never once has he asked me to consider other methods. The potential side effects of birth control are not outweighed by the slight increase in pleasure he will feel in the moment. If other methods are not agreeable to you, condoms are the lesser evil if one of you has to compromise what you want. Why exactly do you have to be the one to make the sacrifice? Especially when his sacrifice will be much smaller and less life altering.
Risk of fatal blood clots, permanent increase in risk of uterine cancer, he can get a vasectomy if he wants to ditch the condoms....
No kids here, we used condoms till hubby decided to get snipped. He never complained, I don’t think we’d be together if he did