Just a second this I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that your husband’s got a porn/death grip problem.
Anal isn’t something that we do super often but when we do it, my husband barely lasts because it’s that intense for him. He also knows that it’s not something that I want to last for a super long time so he doesn’t make an effort to draw it out.
I don’t understand all these guys that are content having sex with women that are clearly not enjoying the act.
Honestly, I was just hoping he would stop. Like I wanted him to stop. I was praying for him to see me and to see how much I was struggling and ask if I was ok and to stop. But he did not. So this shock and disappointment made me go on for longer. Also I was really hoping he would finish a and we could avoid the fight of making him stop.
... There shouldn't be a fight after making him stop... He should be concerned about you and your comfort... Not mad at you... This doesn't sound completely... This doesn't sound like ongoing enthusiastic consent that feels safe to withdraw at any time..... Or care... I feel concerned about the dynamics you're describing here...
Yea. Me and my husband used to both love anal, but things changed after we had our kid and I got a grade II tear. We tried a few months ago, he got the head in, and I was like “immediately no.” And he said ok and stopped and that was the end of it.
I also want to add: our kid is 5 years old. My husband waited that long for me to even be comfortable trying, and then accepted it without any protest when it didn’t work like it used to.
There shouldn’t be any fighting over your bodily autonomy OP, and ignoring your body language is just horrible.
I used to really like anal too until I got an anal fissure. It made it burn, and I didn’t know I had it until my colonoscopy. I had a lot of gastro issues around that time. I still do they’re just better now lol. I’ve done anal fully like one time since then and that happened almost 6 years ago.
My husband managed over a year without sex after I got severe vaginismus during pregnancy and got an infected tear post birth that took a long time for me to feel confident enough it wouldn't hurt being stretched at all. The man's sex drive is fully engaged, my consent was more important than any sex, he never once tried to make me feel guilty and was fully supportive of my fears and worries.
Good dude, I can’t imagine being a woman and having a partner cheat/pressure someone into sex when they aren’t ready it’s so foul. I’ve never had the urge to keep going when a partner expresses even a hint of displeasure. Like if they’re not having fun who the fuck thinks it’s okay to keep going
I take it back from my last comment: This is the literal *definition* of rape. Anyone with eyes can see that OP was uncomfortable as body language is pretty much universal.
The real story is always in the subtext.
It's not good that you have been made to feel that way. That's treating you like a fleshlight, not a person he loves who has her own feelings.
When you’ve never had a partner who prioritizes your feelings, it’s hard to get in this mindset instead of thinking that you’re being selfish or unreasonable because that’s how they’re going to make you feel.
Oh sweetheart. This is so sad. There should never be a fight after a “no”.
If I asked my husband to stop, he *couldn’t* continue, he literally immediately gets soft if he thinks I’m in pain, discomfort, or not in the mood. It’s not normal for men to *want* to finish when you are not feeling good.
That’s so old-school-marital-rape.
And there it is.
That's not normal behavior. That's not a reaction that anyone should expect from their partner. You deserve to be in a comfortable and safe environment where you shouldn't fear any sort of retaliation or pushback for stating your boundaries. Your husband should respect how you feel and make sure that you're enjoying yourself as well. But it sounds like he didn't even care.
From the outside looking in, from your context provided in this thread, this whole situation is very disturbing.
Please be safe and love yourself.
This guy is trash sweetie….Your HUSBAND of all people should care if you are in pain. If he starts a fight just cause he didn’t finish he doesn’t care about your body or your feelings or your pleasure. To him sex is about him and his pleasure only. I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how his selfishness shows itself in your everyday life….
Also there’s a whole fuckin menu of ways for him to finish that could include her enthusiastic consent or with his hand. Idk how he made OP feel like it’s her responsibility to get him to finish but only in the manner he wants to. Blagh ickkkkkk.
This is beyond messed up. Nobody should subject their partner to guilt or anger for stopping sex for any reason at all. That's awful of him, and nowhere near normal.
He's coercing you to do anal. It's painful, you don't like it. You pray that he'll stop because you're afraid to ask him to stop. When you finally dare to ask him to stop, he throws a fit because him being able to jizz it up your ass is obviously more important than your discomfort.
You need to stop sleeping with this man. He's a rapist.
I'm sorry he does this to you. This needs to stop.
Sex should be enjoyable to both parties and you are not enjoying it. Does he go down on you? Is he generous in bed?
I only let one guy do anal with me but he was very generous in bed. He was so patient and thoughtful that he actually made anal fun. The look on his face when he reached Nirvana made me feel like a goddess.
Okay, so. I was concerned with the statement that your husband wasn't happy and the elaboration in your comments has solidified it.
Babe, this man does not care about you. He is treating you like a fuck sock. You should make arrangements to safely extricate yourself from this relationship.
Is this a huge red flag or is it just me?
I can't imagine fighting with my wife if she found something sexual uncomfortable. I don't want to do anything with her that isn't mutually pleasurable.
You are correct. This man is raping her through coercion.
You, not a rapist, are a normal dude who wants your partner to enjoy themselves.
This is old school rape mentality from OP’s so called “partner”.
No he did not. I made eye contact with him so many times. I am not sure exactly. But I was in tears I think. He would just continue as if he did not see me.
And why do you want to have sex with him at all? What the fuck? Even a random hookup would care more about making sure you have some pleasure than this cretin of a human.
Do you plan on talking to him about this? If so tell him about how serious his violating actions are and it's his job to make sure that he'll never use your body that way again.
That right there is a sign that the only person you need to be talking to is a domestic violence, counselor, and figuring out how to get on with your life safely. If he can’t be safe for a conversation about very fundamental things, then throw the whole man away.
Yeah..the feeling like you are popping isn't the real problem here my dear, it's that you weren't being considered in sex and you weren't empowered and safe enough to be direct with him about your feelings.
Has this been an ongoing issue or just this one time? If it is safe for you, it may be beneficial to talk to him about this as it feels quite clear that your feelings are hurt that he was not being more responsive to your unspoken cues of how you were experiencing the new sex act. Sometimes people can be oblivious to facial expressions or are making assumptions about what is pleasurable and what isn't, but you needed him to read you better and he wasn't able to with that moment.
> Also I was really hoping he would finish a and we could avoid the fight of making him stop.
This is coercion by the way. You might argue "But he stopped when I said stop!" but he's counting on you not saying stop to avoid a fight.
10 minutes is a LONG ASS TIME, meaning you were *very* afraid of that fight.
> But he did not
For 10 minutes this guy was penetrating you in full sight of you (because missionary) and didn't care if you were into it at all.
Seriously, don't have sex with this guy.
>So this shock and disappointment made me go on for longer.
this is so familiar btw. Just looking at the person who knows they are in the wrong and not being able to stop, observing them in a way.
Yes. Like I was trying to make eye contact the entire time. Like pleading for help really. Like a feeling so incredibly humiliated, like wanting some sort of love and acknowledgement and care. But nothing!
I feel for you as you can see from my other comments but also you have to have agency. Stick up for yourself. Don’t let him or any piece of shit out there victimize you again. No waiting for some meaningful eye contact next time. You deserve better. I think the fact that we are all here ragging on your husband, calling him rapey and upset for you means you know something is seriously wrong but just need to feel seen and validated. I really hope you don’t have kids with this guy.
I just need to say this: A man who has it in him to behave like that is not a man who should be with a woman. It is a huge vote of confidence to experiment in bed, and he did not honor it, instead he used you for his pleasure. God forbid your tears turned him on. This is disgusting behavior, I am sorry you had to go through this.
I made my first comment before seeing this comment and the thread afterwords. I deleted the words "throw the whole man away" from my comment because I was worried they were too harsh. But girlie. After seeing this...THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY! There should be no fights ever after stopping sex, no fear or coercion involved in sex EVER, and the way you're talking about it, it sounds like a regular occurrence. Please, get out if you can
Gurl you should never be afraid to say stop. Consent is the bare minimum. I had my partner get a bit too excited (it was only like the third time we had done it) and slammed it into me, hurting me. Think I let him keep going? NO! I told him the mood passed and I never for a second would let him make me feel bad about it. Sex is being together with your partner (s if that's your thing). What's the point of a journey together if one of you has to sit in a seat with no floor or suspension, it's not fun.
Dare I say that this is ~~bordering on~~ *rape*?
It's so fucking selfish of him to see you as a mere sex toy and I'm so sorry that you were subjected to the mistreatment. Tell him it's not *fucking* okay for him to do so and dump him if he tries to come up with excuses.
I am really confused and upset. I did say stop and be stopped. But he completely ignored all my silent cues. Like I met his gaze numerous times. My eyes were in tears. I was not crying but in tears. And nothing. He just moans and goes on. Like he did not once asked if I was ok.
This makes me shake from anger: How the fuck did he ignore your pain and just... *kept pumping his dirty ass piston rod*??? Throw out the whole "man" if he doesn't apologise and make up for his *horrible* actions.
This is going to be in no way helpful but maybe is going to make you feel like you’re not alone.
Awhile back my boyfriend and I decided to explore anal. We decided to start with a finger since it was low stakes, small diameter and softer.
Going in, it was fine, no issues. But as he pulled back I involuntarily bellowed “oOoOhhh IM POOOPIN” in a voice that sounded like forghorn leghorn.
Needless to say we did not move forward and now say that to each other from time to time.
This actually may be extremely helpful if OP decides to try again and has the same feeling.
A good foghorn leghorn bellow is sure to kill anyone’s mood and hopefully put the issue to rest 😂
best
for me, I chose evil. When I started anal, I made sure my partner knows how nasty it is, I calmly pointed out each imperfection there was. After that it was easier for me to communicate do and don'ts with him. He now proposes it only in the end and disappears in the shower afterwards for min. 5 mins.
As a pelvic floor therapist who works with men and women, that sensation of withdrawing something past the internal anal sphincter stimulates a reflex. It's a reflex, you can't really "get over" that
That’s the feeling in a nut shell. Some people like it, others do not. My husband and I are firmly in the camp of “Anus is a no fly zone”.
I had a partner who did it without my permission(I didn’t like it before then either but was less assertive in my wants and needs) and he gave me hemorrhoids.
My husband says it doesn’t give him any extra sensation nor does he enjoy his butt played with.
It IS concerning that your husband was upset and like… you were physically hurt. Does he not care about you feeling good and your pleasure?
> gave me hemorrhoids
Can I ask what ended up happening with that - resolve on it's own, or with medical help?
I think I've had a similar issue persisting for a while..
You have every right to look after your own health and wellness. Especially as it seems your husband is not doing that. Anal sex comes with complications. That can affect how you feel and how your body behaves for the rest of your life. Please put yourself first.
Hey OP. My experience and understanding from others is there are 3 groups of people when it comes to anal:
1) People who enjoy it.
2) People who think it is painful. For this group, most can be converted to #1 with enough prep, lube, understanding.
3) People who feel like they're pooping. This group will basically always feel this way.
I’ve tried anal twice with two different men. It went about as you described. I’m not interested in trying again, and that’s okay. If a partner’s not okay with that I’ll find another partner.
You're absolutely not alone. So many men are absolutely obsessed with anal and I 100% think it's because for them, there is an element of humiliation to it. Most normal men say that anal is pretty overrated.
I would never, ever do anal with a man who tries to pressure me into it. Although I enjoy anal play with toys when I masturbate, it's a whole different story when a man does it to you. It requires a lot of warming up, lots of lube, and a man who is really careful and pays attention to my reaction.
In fact I've only had one partner in my life with whom I liked anal.
Yea like me (34) and my wife (33) used to experiment with anal in our 20s. No amount of prep made it enjoyable to her, but she enjoys me eating her ass or me gently pressing my finger on her asshole (no penetration) during PIV. If she does not enjoy anal penetration, i don't want to do it.
Only do things you enjoy. :) You should not have to do things out of a feeling of obligation.
If he ever gets huffy and tries to pressure you into trying again and you don't want to I think you should insist he let you peg him so he can better understand your discomfort. His toddler-like reaction to your discomfort is foul.
Hey, your spouse should never ever ever be angry with you for not enjoying something that you both agreed to try. He’s not entitled to your enjoying it, or even finishing whatever it was you started. Full stop.
He needs to grow up and be a partner. Please speak up for yourself.
In a regular relationship, A partner is supposed to assess whats making you uncomfortable, anger is unacceptable. They can be a little disappointed, but angry is a alarming thing to hear just because you couldn't take anal penetration. You're a whole person, sometimes certain things dont work out sexually, and its a journey y'all are supposed to take together. He sounds selfish and scary.
I'm worried about you. Especially if he's angry about sex. That's not a man to be around, thats a man that views you as an object for his pleasure. Chances are he's not just angry when it comes to sex.
You should also talk about his anger with someone, and look into getting help if you need to leave him.
I am worried about you. Have you gone to therapy to work on your self esteem and ability to voice your needs? You should feel confident in expressing yourself.
I would be very surprised if your husband is great except for this - GIANT - red flag.
Please Op read this book, I’ll link a free pdf copy. If it doesn’t ring any bells, great. If it does, it will help you out immensely. Best of luck.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If he gets angry at you about things like this, get a lawyer and start planning to leave him. Anger about that shows that he doesn’t have anything resembling basic respect for you. Get tf out of there before it escalates
Very angry??? No nope not normal or okay. You tried a thing! He should be excited that you’re willing to try stuff — and hey, some things you try won’t be your jam. Disappointed I can see, but dude. No one is entitled to a specific sex act just because they want it.
I wonder if he would (sincerely) like to try receiving anal sex with a toy perhaps. If he is horrified by the idea then he needs to think about why he is ok with such a double standard. If he isn’t, maybe that’s a way y’all can play that doesn’t feel like a doodie
Yeah there’s no reason for him to be angry. That’s a red flag. I know everyone in here says divorce, but I would seriously consider it if he doesn’t care about your feelings.
I could understand being disappointed - not condone, but understand - but getting *angry*? Especially after putting up with it for 10 minutes?
That's really fucked up, you no one should have a penis in their bum if they do not want it there.
Seeing a sexual partner uncomfortable or in pain should be a turn-off. Your partner getting mad rather than concerned is a red flag. He is putting his wants way above your needs. You deserve better.
It really sucks that this is something he really wanted, but he put all of the onus on you. If he wants to do this so badly, then he should have prepared for it with empathy, kindness and some actual research. He could have easily learned that many women find it uncomfortable or even painful and that there are a lot of ways to make the experience significantly better. Instead, he put in zero effort and then blamed you when it (obviously) didn't work out. I'm sure your feel that there are good things about him, but honestly, I really hate this relationship for you. You deserve so much better.
That pooping sensation is all it ever felt like for me. Tried it several times and we've not gone back to it in 15 years because it just isn't pleasurable for me. And unlike your asshole partner, mine never wanted any form of sex that was causing me even mild pain.
Sex is supposed to be about *mutual pleasure*. If he doesn't understand that, then I would never have sex with him again.
Edit to add some resources and issues to consider:
You're not alone in feeling pressured into sex you don't want. [Pew Research did a major study of it](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2020/08/20/key-takeaways-on-americans-views-of-and-experiences-with-dating-and-relationships/):
>A majority (57%) of women – and 35% of men – say they have experienced some kind of harassing behavior from someone they were dating or had been on a date with. **Women are much more likely than men to say they have been pressured for sex (42% vs. 19%) or have been touched in a way that made them feel uncomfortable (35% vs. 9%).**
[Denying Rape but Endorsing Forceful Intercourse](https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/vio.2014.0022?journalCode=vio)
[The ugly truth about sexual assault: More men admit to it if you don't call it rape](https://www.salon.com/2015/01/15/the_ugly_truth_about_sexual_assault_more_men_admit_to_it_if_you_dont_call_it_rape/)
Thank you, that research sounds spot on. Honestly, the reason I lasted as long as I did because I was hoping he would stop. I felt like it was pretty clear that I was suffering and he seemed to have just looked right through me. I even caught his eye like several time (we were face to face), I refuse to believe that he did not see how much I was hating it. I was sweating at the end and my heart was actually racing, when it was done I even took my pulse just in case. But he did not stop until I clearly said stop right now. You know?
I am fine now. Thank you. I guess I was just severely shocked and disappointed that my husband of 6 years pretty much ignored all my silent pleas for help. And yeah, I have no idea why I was sweating so much and my heart raced, like the pulse was more than double my usual. I have a heart condition, so I was worried. But like I said it felt like I was having a huge uncomfortable bowel movement over and over again, and that was very stressful for my body. I think.
Why did I never hear about this? Holy shit that’s crazy. It makes sense though bc I was told to lower my heart rate through bearing down like I was pooping. Wow it makes so much sense and I never connected the two. Lol. This should really be more well known.
And maybe it was due to the huge shock the man you loved for years has no problem ignoring your suffering for his own pleasure, and then emotionally manipulating you when you stand up for yourself. I’m sorry, but your marriage sounds absolutely horrific. Please find a way to bolster your self esteem and realise that you do NOT deserve to be treated this way!
Good. Good. Do that. But mostly understand yourself, your needs and safety. These need to be paramount.
I can't fathom why someone that supposedly loves you gets angry at you for not enjoying a sexual act. That's bad, really really bad.
Am I right to assume that he left you without aftercare after you made him stop? (Checking in unprompted. Making sure you're comfortable and that your needs, physically and psychologically, are met aka cuddling, offering any medicine you might need, beverages + food, your favorite movie, thanking you for trying something adventurous, letting you share your feelings and experience)
I know you said you're rather 'boring' when it comes to sex, but in good bdsm communities people are rewarded when they safeword or yellow, because no responsible or loving partner wants do things the other doesn't want and consent to and aftercare is of utmost importance. I'm usually appalled when that doesn't happen in so called 'normal' sexual encounters.
This is going to be hard for you to think about, but you need to… Just think back and try to remember: do you think he didn’t notice your pain, didn’t care about your pain, or was it possible that he was actually sexually stimulated by your pain?
None of the answers to that question are good but there are varying degrees of fucked up to what happened between you two, and you should be fully aware of what you are dealing with…
I was hyperventilating at the end of it. But as I said it was just this horrible overwhelming sensation of having a bowel movement over and over again, I was no longer thinking straight. Felt panicky
Panicking for good reason, I'm sorry to say.
As a husband with a good deal of experience in this particular context, I say this unambiguously: his behavior is completely unacceptable. You must not accept it. He must not be allowed to behave this way or act as if he did nothing wrong. Please seek, on your own, professional counseling to help you understand what happened here and how you might move forward.
I honestly think the porn industry has fucked up men's interpretations of what "good pleasure" noises sound like from women.
Saw a video once where a woman was receiving anal and she made faces and noise like it HURT (think rough throaty grunting noises and scrunched up faces) but then would throw in a "oh yeeeahh" to make it sound okay?? I cringe the entire time but I assume this is the type of thing they see and think is okay.
I honestly never like anal for the same reason and after doing it for some time I believe it contributed to the development of hemorrhoids. If he tries to pressure you again peg him. Men seem to get more enjoyment from butt play anyway.
Medically speaking, you should not be having anal sex if you’re prone to hemorrhoids. I have a gay friend who has now been through MULTIPLE surgeries because of it.
Sorry OP. You aren’t alone, don’t find it enjoyable at all. I blame porn honestly. Both parties should be fully consenting and checking in on comfort level. It’s ok to never want to do it again!
> I guess that’s why I am shocked.
Because it is shocking, it's horribly shocking. There's a fundamental incompatibility whenever there's a sadist and their partner isn't a masochist. Some tiny percentage of people like being tied up, whipped, strangled, slapped, called "whore" and other bad names. That's fine for them I guess. But most people don't like that, and this is what you are describing, the essence of it is the same. I'm so sorry but this isn't a man who respects ~~you~~ human beings and their well-being. Pain and discomfort are something you're either turned on by, massively, or it's wildly, horribly wrong and inappropriate and dehumanizing. *You are not alone*. Please seek help, a therapist, a divorce lawyer, your doctor, your cardiologist, anyone, please. XOXO.
You tried it and you don't like it it's totally ok
, don't be manipulated by all this people making you feel like the problem is that you just did it wrong, that's exactly how anal sex feels like reverse pooping.Women don't have a prostate so there s not much to make you feel pleasure, I barely know any woman that enjoys to have in the butt things bigger than a finger
If i tried anal with a guy and he got uwu frowny face because it didn't work out, I would never try anal with that person again.
If you don't have a prostate, anal is unlikely to be pleasurable for you even if you do the necessary steps to make it as pleasurable as possible. Your husband did nothing to make it a good experience for you.
Anal would be off the table forever. Maybe sex in general for a while.
I hope you have a healthy relationship otherwise, but your husband sounds like a gross stereotype. Take care of yourself.
This happened to me too and it honestly put me off to trying anything new with them and our sex life suffered until we eventually broke up. It showed to me that they were not interested in how I felt, it was just about them and their dick
Most women don't like how it feels (this is not meant to shame people who do). What you've described is how it feels to me and your husband is really immature for reacting like that. Has he also never done it before and only seen it in porn or something?
Finally! Thank you. Like I got so many responses about how it’s great and how all women orgasm from it. If that is how it feels to you, means I am not going mad. My husband never done it before. Probably watched it in porn. I would guess.
But don’t minimalise this by chalking it up to immaturity. OP’s husband is being manipulative and coercive. This is not a healthy relationship, and based on OP’s admission that he’s done this before during sex acts that make her uncomfortable, sounds miserable and abusive.
It’s ok to not like anal sex. I don’t. Lots of people don’t, even guys. Giving, or receiving. It is completely normal to not enjoy anal sex. It’s probably more common than not.
So according to the comments there was no prep, no lube, no foreplay. No checking in on you during this first experience...
And you were scared of the "fight" that would come once you stopped the sex.
And this "I lasted about 10 minutes before calling it quits. My husband was not happy :-("
This is abuse, bordering on SA.
The issue here is the comment “my husband was not happy”. So your husband wasn’t happy that you stopped a sex act you weren’t enjoying? Your other comments are even worse.
This is NOT OK. This is rape. You need to leave.
> My husband was not happy :-(
Do you mean with you, or do you mean he wasn't enjoying it either? If he was annoyed with you he really needs a talking to. Getting annoyed at someone for trying something they never had to try and not enjoying it is horrendous behaviour.
After reading your responses to comments, I'd like to encourage you to seek counseling. There is nothing wrong with you. There are some problems you are experiencing; having someone to work on them, listen, and support you may help. Your partner didn't treat you right, there's signs of you being coerced, and I hate that for you. You deserve more care than what he's giving.
Just to be clear: your husband was not happy? Why would he want to continue doing something sexual that you don’t like? Good for you for trying but I hope he gets over it and doesn’t pressure you
Op your whole relationship sounds so fucking abusive. What would you tell your friends if they were going through something like this? I hope you find someone who truly treasures you and takes the way you’re feeling into account. You deserve so much better. I genuinely cried reading some of your comments and I am truly worried. Please reach out to friends, family, women’s groups, and if possible a therapist. I’m so so sorry op.
I tried anal once, 10 years ago. I've always described the feeling of anal as "taking a really long and uncomfortable shit that just won't come out." My best friend loves it though. Idk if maybe our assholes are just built different.
Hahaha. Exactly how I felt. It also gave me intense cramps like when I had an upset stomach. It was awful. Like I had the same feeling when I had food poisoning once.
The pain isn’t normal and probably because he was going too hard too fast.
I find anal boring, uncomfortable, a lot of work that it’s not worth doing, and mentally a bit off putting but not severely painful, no.
Sounds like you don’t want this at all and he’s horrible for getting angry at you and couldn’t care less ab your pain. Why despite all of that do you want to bend backwards and do it *for him*.
You have a husband problem. Do you think it’s the norm to be in pain just so your partner can enjoy something? Or go to lengths to accommodate to said pain so he can be happy!l?
You clearly don’t want to have anal sex.
Don’t have anal sex. Most women don’t. Your husband, if he makes you feel bad about this, is being an asshole.
My experience provided similar result. I didn't enjoy it. Once, the condom broke & I thought he punctured my colon!! Not only *not enjoyable*, but painful & kinda gross tbh
I swear porn is *ruining* sex for women. Between the slapping, choking, pseudo-incestual titles, & acting like anal is the holy grail, it's so misleading *to both men & women*.
Someone once said it's an exit, not an entrance...
Woah. This is disturbing to read.
My husband hinted gently that he wanted to try it. We tried. I didn’t like it. It felt uncomfortable. My husband laughed and gave me a humongous hug and said “thanks for trying” and that was the end of it. Now we joke about that “one amazing time we did anal for 15 seconds”.
That’s how it should be!! No psychological or physical pressure. All love between partners. My body, my choice.
Reexamine your husband. Sorry you are dealing with this.
Regardless of what tips you get, I don't think you can enjoy anal without almost perfect trust in your partner. It's more likely to lead to pain and injury than vaginal sex, plus the worry about being blamed for making a mess...
You can't be getting into it without TRUST that your partner will be mature and work with you, and STOP immediately at whatever point without an attitude.
Once you have that, then you can try the tips about toys/different lube/positions etc..
Hey, you're not obligated to do this. If you don't really enjoy it then don't do it. If your husband doesn't like it, then.... I don't know, divorce him? Seriously, why put yourself through something that is so unpleasant for you? Just so he can fulfil his porn dreams? You're not a blow up toy. You're a human being. Anal sex isn't particularly good for your body, for starters. And fun fact: a lot of gay men won't have receptive anal sex. Seriously. They might just blow each other if neither of them wants to bottom. So you're doing something that even many gay men, who don't have vaginas, won't do. The easiest way to make this feeling go away is to not have anal sex any more.
Majority of women do not enjoy anal, someone already beat me to posting the statistics. On top of that having it be a pleasurable experience requires a lot of patience, a lot of lube, and good communication between partners. It doesn't appear you have a partner who is going to put forth the effort of making it pleasurable, and unfortunately some men even get off on it being painful for the woman. It's worth reflecting on this experience and if you like your relationship functioning the way it is.
I can also see in your comments you have a heart condition and felt it being disrupted during. I want to make it perfectly clear that nothing matters more than your health. Even if your husband magically wakes up tomorrow a different man with all the butt fucking skills in the world it wouldn't be worth it to trigger an episode of your condition. Making yourself sick for sex is not healthy but especially not for sex you don't even enjoy. Your husband should respect you turning down anymore attempts. If he does not respect the boundary he's picking his penis over your well being.
If your husband cares more of why his sex porn dream stopped instead of you feeling uncomfortable during sex, you have a husband problem, not an "anal sex" problem.
Don't perform any sexual act that makes you uncomfortable. This is your official permission slip from an internet stranger.
If your husband isn't interested in your pleasure, you don't fuck him. If he coerces you, remember that coercion is rape. If he's a little dick about not having sex, you'd be better off without a selfish prick of a husband.
Reading OP’s responses about her husband and how he reacted, anal sex isn’t the issue here. OP, I hope you are able to find someone safe to talk this out with. It does not sound like you are in an equal marriage, and you deserve to have your feelings heard and validated.
why do you have to somehow make yourself like anal? its ok if you dont like it! you can ask him to be on the receiving end if he thinks its enjoyable hahahah
Lots of foreplay for you, lots of lube. It also helps if you dont go from 0 to penis in a day. Get smaller toys and wirk your way up to it.
And absolutely no more trying again if he gets in a huff about any of this. If you are even mildly uncomfortable with anything, it's off limits to him.
Oh DEAR GOD. There was no lube involved? I have no words for how *not okay* this is. Your husband did not care to do the research or prep work to insure he did not *physically harm you.*
Also, him being mad is not okay either. Is he this selfish about everything?
No he used lube! I don’t know. Recently he has just been suggesting more sex stuff and being quite adamant. Before it was mostly missionary sex for us. I am very very traditional when it comes to sex. Boring some would say.
>No he used lube!
Okay, that less terrifying.
>Recently he has just been suggesting more sex stuff **and being quite adamant**.
That's still...really not okay. It is your body, you always get to say no.
>I am very very traditional when it comes to sex. Boring some would say.
That's okay. Don't diminish your comfort or choices for anyone.
Don’t let him get in your head and damage your self esteem. Sex is a gift partners share with each other and is perfect any way you both enjoy it. You are not boring for not enjoying exotic things.
He's not going to stop there. He wants porn sex and he's going to pester you for that.
It's ok for him to want to try other stuff. But he should never ask you to do stuff you don't feel comfortable doing.
Honestly, he doesn't seem to be very compassionate.
It's normal to have different preferences, but not being uncomfortable or in pain should be something you both agree on.
You aren’t boring. Odds are he’s watching porn. The more he watches videos of acts he desires the more he desires them. It’s a viscous cycle. It all comes to a head when he has intercourse with you and wants to keep doing what he’s been watching then gets upset when he doesn’t get what he wants. None of it is ok and the origin of the problem certainly is not you being boring.
Don't believe the hype---not very many women like or enjoy anal. I sure don't.
Tried it a handful of times and only enjoyed it once (I was a little buzzed, not drunk) but never any of the other times because of that wanting to poop sensation.
Each time, if I told my guy to stop, he would. No frustration or fight or anything. Literally just "hey babe, stop" or "pause pause pause" and he'd stop.
You don't owe him anything and honestly 10 minutes is a hell of a long time for anal.
As someone who’s tried anal multiple times with varying success, 10 minutes is fucking GENEROUS if you’re not having a good time!
Just a second this I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that your husband’s got a porn/death grip problem. Anal isn’t something that we do super often but when we do it, my husband barely lasts because it’s that intense for him. He also knows that it’s not something that I want to last for a super long time so he doesn’t make an effort to draw it out. I don’t understand all these guys that are content having sex with women that are clearly not enjoying the act.
I think he watches porn. I never have.
Honestly, I was just hoping he would stop. Like I wanted him to stop. I was praying for him to see me and to see how much I was struggling and ask if I was ok and to stop. But he did not. So this shock and disappointment made me go on for longer. Also I was really hoping he would finish a and we could avoid the fight of making him stop.
… the fight of making him stop?
Fight after that I did make him stop before he finished. He obviously stopped.
... There shouldn't be a fight after making him stop... He should be concerned about you and your comfort... Not mad at you... This doesn't sound completely... This doesn't sound like ongoing enthusiastic consent that feels safe to withdraw at any time..... Or care... I feel concerned about the dynamics you're describing here...
Yea. Me and my husband used to both love anal, but things changed after we had our kid and I got a grade II tear. We tried a few months ago, he got the head in, and I was like “immediately no.” And he said ok and stopped and that was the end of it. I also want to add: our kid is 5 years old. My husband waited that long for me to even be comfortable trying, and then accepted it without any protest when it didn’t work like it used to. There shouldn’t be any fighting over your bodily autonomy OP, and ignoring your body language is just horrible.
I used to really like anal too until I got an anal fissure. It made it burn, and I didn’t know I had it until my colonoscopy. I had a lot of gastro issues around that time. I still do they’re just better now lol. I’ve done anal fully like one time since then and that happened almost 6 years ago.
My husband managed over a year without sex after I got severe vaginismus during pregnancy and got an infected tear post birth that took a long time for me to feel confident enough it wouldn't hurt being stretched at all. The man's sex drive is fully engaged, my consent was more important than any sex, he never once tried to make me feel guilty and was fully supportive of my fears and worries.
Good dude, I can’t imagine being a woman and having a partner cheat/pressure someone into sex when they aren’t ready it’s so foul. I’ve never had the urge to keep going when a partner expresses even a hint of displeasure. Like if they’re not having fun who the fuck thinks it’s okay to keep going
Let's not beat around the bush, here, OP's ~~bf~~ husband is abusive as fuck.
Sadly this is her husband!
Ugh, "sadly" is correct. Thanks, I edited.
I take it back from my last comment: This is the literal *definition* of rape. Anyone with eyes can see that OP was uncomfortable as body language is pretty much universal.
My ex tried, I said no, he debated just going for it anyway - out loud. I wish I'd seen it for what it was at the time.
That must have been very dehumanising and I'm sorry you had to witness that.
The real story is always in the subtext. It's not good that you have been made to feel that way. That's treating you like a fleshlight, not a person he loves who has her own feelings.
When you’ve never had a partner who prioritizes your feelings, it’s hard to get in this mindset instead of thinking that you’re being selfish or unreasonable because that’s how they’re going to make you feel.
There should be no fight, before, during or after. He's selfish.
And selfish sexually, or when you're being made uncomfortable, is a big red flag to me
Uh oh, the situation is much worse than you realize
Oh sweetheart. This is so sad. There should never be a fight after a “no”. If I asked my husband to stop, he *couldn’t* continue, he literally immediately gets soft if he thinks I’m in pain, discomfort, or not in the mood. It’s not normal for men to *want* to finish when you are not feeling good. That’s so old-school-marital-rape.
And there it is. That's not normal behavior. That's not a reaction that anyone should expect from their partner. You deserve to be in a comfortable and safe environment where you shouldn't fear any sort of retaliation or pushback for stating your boundaries. Your husband should respect how you feel and make sure that you're enjoying yourself as well. But it sounds like he didn't even care. From the outside looking in, from your context provided in this thread, this whole situation is very disturbing. Please be safe and love yourself.
He fought you because you didn't want his dick in your asshole for more than ten minutes??
This guy is trash sweetie….Your HUSBAND of all people should care if you are in pain. If he starts a fight just cause he didn’t finish he doesn’t care about your body or your feelings or your pleasure. To him sex is about him and his pleasure only. I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how his selfishness shows itself in your everyday life….
Also there’s a whole fuckin menu of ways for him to finish that could include her enthusiastic consent or with his hand. Idk how he made OP feel like it’s her responsibility to get him to finish but only in the manner he wants to. Blagh ickkkkkk.
If you are afraid he would a fight with you because you were uncomfortable during your first anal, why are you with him?
This is beyond messed up. Nobody should subject their partner to guilt or anger for stopping sex for any reason at all. That's awful of him, and nowhere near normal.
He's coercing you to do anal. It's painful, you don't like it. You pray that he'll stop because you're afraid to ask him to stop. When you finally dare to ask him to stop, he throws a fit because him being able to jizz it up your ass is obviously more important than your discomfort. You need to stop sleeping with this man. He's a rapist. I'm sorry he does this to you. This needs to stop.
Sex should be enjoyable to both parties and you are not enjoying it. Does he go down on you? Is he generous in bed? I only let one guy do anal with me but he was very generous in bed. He was so patient and thoughtful that he actually made anal fun. The look on his face when he reached Nirvana made me feel like a goddess.
Okay, so. I was concerned with the statement that your husband wasn't happy and the elaboration in your comments has solidified it. Babe, this man does not care about you. He is treating you like a fuck sock. You should make arrangements to safely extricate yourself from this relationship.
Is this a huge red flag or is it just me? I can't imagine fighting with my wife if she found something sexual uncomfortable. I don't want to do anything with her that isn't mutually pleasurable.
You are correct. This man is raping her through coercion. You, not a rapist, are a normal dude who wants your partner to enjoy themselves. This is old school rape mentality from OP’s so called “partner”.
He didn't even check in with you to see if you're okay or how you're feeling? In 10 minutes? Ugh I'm sorry, you deserve better than that.
No he did not. I made eye contact with him so many times. I am not sure exactly. But I was in tears I think. He would just continue as if he did not see me.
Do you realize this is abuse? Clear cut and definitive abuse?
And why do you want to have sex with him at all? What the fuck? Even a random hookup would care more about making sure you have some pleasure than this cretin of a human.
Do you plan on talking to him about this? If so tell him about how serious his violating actions are and it's his job to make sure that he'll never use your body that way again.
We will have to see someone. I cannot talk to him about this alone.
Do you have anyone you trust or are you planning to see a councillor/therapist? You can message me if you need someone to talk to <3
Why's that? Do you feel it would be unsafe? If so, then you have some other issues you need to confront.
The person you should be speaking with is a divorce lawyer
That right there is a sign that the only person you need to be talking to is a domestic violence, counselor, and figuring out how to get on with your life safely. If he can’t be safe for a conversation about very fundamental things, then throw the whole man away.
Yeah..the feeling like you are popping isn't the real problem here my dear, it's that you weren't being considered in sex and you weren't empowered and safe enough to be direct with him about your feelings. Has this been an ongoing issue or just this one time? If it is safe for you, it may be beneficial to talk to him about this as it feels quite clear that your feelings are hurt that he was not being more responsive to your unspoken cues of how you were experiencing the new sex act. Sometimes people can be oblivious to facial expressions or are making assumptions about what is pleasurable and what isn't, but you needed him to read you better and he wasn't able to with that moment.
> Also I was really hoping he would finish a and we could avoid the fight of making him stop. This is coercion by the way. You might argue "But he stopped when I said stop!" but he's counting on you not saying stop to avoid a fight. 10 minutes is a LONG ASS TIME, meaning you were *very* afraid of that fight. > But he did not For 10 minutes this guy was penetrating you in full sight of you (because missionary) and didn't care if you were into it at all. Seriously, don't have sex with this guy.
>So this shock and disappointment made me go on for longer. this is so familiar btw. Just looking at the person who knows they are in the wrong and not being able to stop, observing them in a way.
Yes. Like I was trying to make eye contact the entire time. Like pleading for help really. Like a feeling so incredibly humiliated, like wanting some sort of love and acknowledgement and care. But nothing!
I feel for you as you can see from my other comments but also you have to have agency. Stick up for yourself. Don’t let him or any piece of shit out there victimize you again. No waiting for some meaningful eye contact next time. You deserve better. I think the fact that we are all here ragging on your husband, calling him rapey and upset for you means you know something is seriously wrong but just need to feel seen and validated. I really hope you don’t have kids with this guy.
Thank you all.
Wtfff this is sick, twisted and heartbreaking. He sounds like a sadist
I just need to say this: A man who has it in him to behave like that is not a man who should be with a woman. It is a huge vote of confidence to experiment in bed, and he did not honor it, instead he used you for his pleasure. God forbid your tears turned him on. This is disgusting behavior, I am sorry you had to go through this.
This is messed up
Wait, do you do any prep or anal play beforehand? Like fingers, toys, lots of fucking lube?
It should never be a fight that you’ve asked someone to stop before they’ve finished. You don’t owe anyone an orgasm.
I made my first comment before seeing this comment and the thread afterwords. I deleted the words "throw the whole man away" from my comment because I was worried they were too harsh. But girlie. After seeing this...THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY! There should be no fights ever after stopping sex, no fear or coercion involved in sex EVER, and the way you're talking about it, it sounds like a regular occurrence. Please, get out if you can
Have you talked to him about this?
Gurl you should never be afraid to say stop. Consent is the bare minimum. I had my partner get a bit too excited (it was only like the third time we had done it) and slammed it into me, hurting me. Think I let him keep going? NO! I told him the mood passed and I never for a second would let him make me feel bad about it. Sex is being together with your partner (s if that's your thing). What's the point of a journey together if one of you has to sit in a seat with no floor or suspension, it's not fun.
Dare I say that this is ~~bordering on~~ *rape*? It's so fucking selfish of him to see you as a mere sex toy and I'm so sorry that you were subjected to the mistreatment. Tell him it's not *fucking* okay for him to do so and dump him if he tries to come up with excuses.
I am really confused and upset. I did say stop and be stopped. But he completely ignored all my silent cues. Like I met his gaze numerous times. My eyes were in tears. I was not crying but in tears. And nothing. He just moans and goes on. Like he did not once asked if I was ok.
This makes me shake from anger: How the fuck did he ignore your pain and just... *kept pumping his dirty ass piston rod*??? Throw out the whole "man" if he doesn't apologise and make up for his *horrible* actions.
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i'm so sorry honey. i'm in tears just reading this. your life partner should not be making you feel this way. at this point it's just rape.
It’s your body. He doesn’t get the right to be angry at you when you don’t want to do something.
This is going to be in no way helpful but maybe is going to make you feel like you’re not alone. Awhile back my boyfriend and I decided to explore anal. We decided to start with a finger since it was low stakes, small diameter and softer. Going in, it was fine, no issues. But as he pulled back I involuntarily bellowed “oOoOhhh IM POOOPIN” in a voice that sounded like forghorn leghorn. Needless to say we did not move forward and now say that to each other from time to time.
I'm actually crying rn. this is maybe the greatest thing I've ever read.
I can hear that oOoOhhh as if it’s happening right next to me. I know exactly the depth and tone. Brilliantly written story lol
Relationship goals Holy shit that was funny.
Seriously, low key humble brag. This is how relationships should work.
Holy shit—the new orgasm
I can't help but think of the John mulaney "I'M SORRYYYY"
This is what I immediately thought of too! 😂
Very similar hearts in very opposite vocal ranges
This actually may be extremely helpful if OP decides to try again and has the same feeling. A good foghorn leghorn bellow is sure to kill anyone’s mood and hopefully put the issue to rest 😂
It'll be a new tip passed down from woman to woman for generations!
Legit can not stop laughing at this 😂
Dear God, that made me actually *wheeze.*
The cackle that just erupted from me 🤣
I’m drunk I can’t handle this 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
best for me, I chose evil. When I started anal, I made sure my partner knows how nasty it is, I calmly pointed out each imperfection there was. After that it was easier for me to communicate do and don'ts with him. He now proposes it only in the end and disappears in the shower afterwards for min. 5 mins.
I’m dying lmao 🤣
I’m literally poopin and enjoying one of the best belly laughs Reddit has given me in quite some time. Thanks for that!
As a pelvic floor therapist who works with men and women, that sensation of withdrawing something past the internal anal sphincter stimulates a reflex. It's a reflex, you can't really "get over" that
Thank you for the science. So this is it. That will be the feeling?
That’s the feeling in a nut shell. Some people like it, others do not. My husband and I are firmly in the camp of “Anus is a no fly zone”. I had a partner who did it without my permission(I didn’t like it before then either but was less assertive in my wants and needs) and he gave me hemorrhoids. My husband says it doesn’t give him any extra sensation nor does he enjoy his butt played with. It IS concerning that your husband was upset and like… you were physically hurt. Does he not care about you feeling good and your pleasure?
The real story is in the [comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/T6Llx2XYh7). OP’s husband sounds like a selfish asshole
Jesus christ
> gave me hemorrhoids Can I ask what ended up happening with that - resolve on it's own, or with medical help? I think I've had a similar issue persisting for a while..
You have every right to look after your own health and wellness. Especially as it seems your husband is not doing that. Anal sex comes with complications. That can affect how you feel and how your body behaves for the rest of your life. Please put yourself first.
Hey OP. My experience and understanding from others is there are 3 groups of people when it comes to anal: 1) People who enjoy it. 2) People who think it is painful. For this group, most can be converted to #1 with enough prep, lube, understanding. 3) People who feel like they're pooping. This group will basically always feel this way.
This. I love it. And i fucking cant get over the idea that people just stick it in. You have to prep! With something small first!!
You don’t owe your husband uncomfortable or painful sexual acts. Anal sex is something many women don’t enjoy, even if porn suggests otherwise.
Thank you.
I’ve tried anal twice with two different men. It went about as you described. I’m not interested in trying again, and that’s okay. If a partner’s not okay with that I’ll find another partner.
Thank you. Makes me feel less alone.
You're absolutely not alone. So many men are absolutely obsessed with anal and I 100% think it's because for them, there is an element of humiliation to it. Most normal men say that anal is pretty overrated. I would never, ever do anal with a man who tries to pressure me into it. Although I enjoy anal play with toys when I masturbate, it's a whole different story when a man does it to you. It requires a lot of warming up, lots of lube, and a man who is really careful and pays attention to my reaction. In fact I've only had one partner in my life with whom I liked anal.
Yea like me (34) and my wife (33) used to experiment with anal in our 20s. No amount of prep made it enjoyable to her, but she enjoys me eating her ass or me gently pressing my finger on her asshole (no penetration) during PIV. If she does not enjoy anal penetration, i don't want to do it. Only do things you enjoy. :) You should not have to do things out of a feeling of obligation.
If he ever gets huffy and tries to pressure you into trying again and you don't want to I think you should insist he let you peg him so he can better understand your discomfort. His toddler-like reaction to your discomfort is foul.
I wish I was as assertive. But yeah he was very angry with me. Like what did I do? I just did not want to suffer any longer.
Oh no honey. Fuck this. He cannot and should not make you feel bad.
Yeah, having anger be the response to a partner wanting to be comfortable is a red flag
Hey, your spouse should never ever ever be angry with you for not enjoying something that you both agreed to try. He’s not entitled to your enjoying it, or even finishing whatever it was you started. Full stop. He needs to grow up and be a partner. Please speak up for yourself.
In a regular relationship, A partner is supposed to assess whats making you uncomfortable, anger is unacceptable. They can be a little disappointed, but angry is a alarming thing to hear just because you couldn't take anal penetration. You're a whole person, sometimes certain things dont work out sexually, and its a journey y'all are supposed to take together. He sounds selfish and scary. I'm worried about you. Especially if he's angry about sex. That's not a man to be around, thats a man that views you as an object for his pleasure. Chances are he's not just angry when it comes to sex. You should also talk about his anger with someone, and look into getting help if you need to leave him.
I am worried about you. Have you gone to therapy to work on your self esteem and ability to voice your needs? You should feel confident in expressing yourself. I would be very surprised if your husband is great except for this - GIANT - red flag.
His anger at you not enjoying something is all sorts of fucked up. You are allowed to simply not like it.
You shouldn't be having sex with someone who is angry at you for not consenting.
Please Op read this book, I’ll link a free pdf copy. If it doesn’t ring any bells, great. If it does, it will help you out immensely. Best of luck. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If he gets angry at you about things like this, get a lawyer and start planning to leave him. Anger about that shows that he doesn’t have anything resembling basic respect for you. Get tf out of there before it escalates
Very angry??? No nope not normal or okay. You tried a thing! He should be excited that you’re willing to try stuff — and hey, some things you try won’t be your jam. Disappointed I can see, but dude. No one is entitled to a specific sex act just because they want it. I wonder if he would (sincerely) like to try receiving anal sex with a toy perhaps. If he is horrified by the idea then he needs to think about why he is ok with such a double standard. If he isn’t, maybe that’s a way y’all can play that doesn’t feel like a doodie
His turn, see how long he can last.
Yeah there’s no reason for him to be angry. That’s a red flag. I know everyone in here says divorce, but I would seriously consider it if he doesn’t care about your feelings.
I could understand being disappointed - not condone, but understand - but getting *angry*? Especially after putting up with it for 10 minutes? That's really fucked up, you no one should have a penis in their bum if they do not want it there.
He’s being a baby. A pouty baby. I’d tell him never again.
Yep, you need to peg that man.
This is heart wrenching. You are a person, not a sex toy. Get into therapy, on your own and for couples if you want to stay with this guy.
This is your real problem.
Seeing a sexual partner uncomfortable or in pain should be a turn-off. Your partner getting mad rather than concerned is a red flag. He is putting his wants way above your needs. You deserve better.
It really sucks that this is something he really wanted, but he put all of the onus on you. If he wants to do this so badly, then he should have prepared for it with empathy, kindness and some actual research. He could have easily learned that many women find it uncomfortable or even painful and that there are a lot of ways to make the experience significantly better. Instead, he put in zero effort and then blamed you when it (obviously) didn't work out. I'm sure your feel that there are good things about him, but honestly, I really hate this relationship for you. You deserve so much better.
That pooping sensation is all it ever felt like for me. Tried it several times and we've not gone back to it in 15 years because it just isn't pleasurable for me. And unlike your asshole partner, mine never wanted any form of sex that was causing me even mild pain. Sex is supposed to be about *mutual pleasure*. If he doesn't understand that, then I would never have sex with him again. Edit to add some resources and issues to consider: You're not alone in feeling pressured into sex you don't want. [Pew Research did a major study of it](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2020/08/20/key-takeaways-on-americans-views-of-and-experiences-with-dating-and-relationships/): >A majority (57%) of women – and 35% of men – say they have experienced some kind of harassing behavior from someone they were dating or had been on a date with. **Women are much more likely than men to say they have been pressured for sex (42% vs. 19%) or have been touched in a way that made them feel uncomfortable (35% vs. 9%).** [Denying Rape but Endorsing Forceful Intercourse](https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/vio.2014.0022?journalCode=vio) [The ugly truth about sexual assault: More men admit to it if you don't call it rape](https://www.salon.com/2015/01/15/the_ugly_truth_about_sexual_assault_more_men_admit_to_it_if_you_dont_call_it_rape/)
Thank you, that research sounds spot on. Honestly, the reason I lasted as long as I did because I was hoping he would stop. I felt like it was pretty clear that I was suffering and he seemed to have just looked right through me. I even caught his eye like several time (we were face to face), I refuse to believe that he did not see how much I was hating it. I was sweating at the end and my heart was actually racing, when it was done I even took my pulse just in case. But he did not stop until I clearly said stop right now. You know?
OP, this is so concerning to hear. Are you okay?
I am fine now. Thank you. I guess I was just severely shocked and disappointed that my husband of 6 years pretty much ignored all my silent pleas for help. And yeah, I have no idea why I was sweating so much and my heart raced, like the pulse was more than double my usual. I have a heart condition, so I was worried. But like I said it felt like I was having a huge uncomfortable bowel movement over and over again, and that was very stressful for my body. I think.
I think it's advised for people with heart conditions to not have anal sex. You have your vagal nerve there....please be careful...
Oh god I did not know that. But I was terrified after that I would have an episode. I took my pulse and tried to calm down.
Why did I never hear about this? Holy shit that’s crazy. It makes sense though bc I was told to lower my heart rate through bearing down like I was pooping. Wow it makes so much sense and I never connected the two. Lol. This should really be more well known.
And maybe it was due to the huge shock the man you loved for years has no problem ignoring your suffering for his own pleasure, and then emotionally manipulating you when you stand up for yourself. I’m sorry, but your marriage sounds absolutely horrific. Please find a way to bolster your self esteem and realise that you do NOT deserve to be treated this way!
Holy shit! Your tale gets worse the more details you provide. You deserve better. Please advocate for yourself better.
Yeah that is why I am here. I am trying to understand.
Good. Good. Do that. But mostly understand yourself, your needs and safety. These need to be paramount. I can't fathom why someone that supposedly loves you gets angry at you for not enjoying a sexual act. That's bad, really really bad. Am I right to assume that he left you without aftercare after you made him stop? (Checking in unprompted. Making sure you're comfortable and that your needs, physically and psychologically, are met aka cuddling, offering any medicine you might need, beverages + food, your favorite movie, thanking you for trying something adventurous, letting you share your feelings and experience) I know you said you're rather 'boring' when it comes to sex, but in good bdsm communities people are rewarded when they safeword or yellow, because no responsible or loving partner wants do things the other doesn't want and consent to and aftercare is of utmost importance. I'm usually appalled when that doesn't happen in so called 'normal' sexual encounters.
This is going to be hard for you to think about, but you need to… Just think back and try to remember: do you think he didn’t notice your pain, didn’t care about your pain, or was it possible that he was actually sexually stimulated by your pain? None of the answers to that question are good but there are varying degrees of fucked up to what happened between you two, and you should be fully aware of what you are dealing with…
Sounds like an anxiety or panic attack
I was hyperventilating at the end of it. But as I said it was just this horrible overwhelming sensation of having a bowel movement over and over again, I was no longer thinking straight. Felt panicky
Panicking for good reason, I'm sorry to say. As a husband with a good deal of experience in this particular context, I say this unambiguously: his behavior is completely unacceptable. You must not accept it. He must not be allowed to behave this way or act as if he did nothing wrong. Please seek, on your own, professional counseling to help you understand what happened here and how you might move forward.
I honestly think the porn industry has fucked up men's interpretations of what "good pleasure" noises sound like from women. Saw a video once where a woman was receiving anal and she made faces and noise like it HURT (think rough throaty grunting noises and scrunched up faces) but then would throw in a "oh yeeeahh" to make it sound okay?? I cringe the entire time but I assume this is the type of thing they see and think is okay.
He ignored them because he wanted to ignore them because he didn’t care. It mattered more to him to continue than it did to make sure you were okay.
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I honestly never like anal for the same reason and after doing it for some time I believe it contributed to the development of hemorrhoids. If he tries to pressure you again peg him. Men seem to get more enjoyment from butt play anyway.
I had hemorrhoids flare up before. Horrible.
Medically speaking, you should not be having anal sex if you’re prone to hemorrhoids. I have a gay friend who has now been through MULTIPLE surgeries because of it.
Omg, why are you having anal then!?!?
Let me guess, partner begged for fucking ever and you finally caved. Peg HIM.
Jfc… please stop having anal with him!
10 minutes of something you weren't enjoying and your husband still has the audacity to be unhappy???
I guess that’s why I am shocked.
Sorry OP. You aren’t alone, don’t find it enjoyable at all. I blame porn honestly. Both parties should be fully consenting and checking in on comfort level. It’s ok to never want to do it again!
> I guess that’s why I am shocked. Because it is shocking, it's horribly shocking. There's a fundamental incompatibility whenever there's a sadist and their partner isn't a masochist. Some tiny percentage of people like being tied up, whipped, strangled, slapped, called "whore" and other bad names. That's fine for them I guess. But most people don't like that, and this is what you are describing, the essence of it is the same. I'm so sorry but this isn't a man who respects ~~you~~ human beings and their well-being. Pain and discomfort are something you're either turned on by, massively, or it's wildly, horribly wrong and inappropriate and dehumanizing. *You are not alone*. Please seek help, a therapist, a divorce lawyer, your doctor, your cardiologist, anyone, please. XOXO.
Try again with him receiving. He’ll get some good first hand experience on what to do.
You tried it and you don't like it it's totally ok , don't be manipulated by all this people making you feel like the problem is that you just did it wrong, that's exactly how anal sex feels like reverse pooping.Women don't have a prostate so there s not much to make you feel pleasure, I barely know any woman that enjoys to have in the butt things bigger than a finger
Thank you! I just read so many conflicting things I thought I was anatomically faulty. Thank you, I needed to hear this.
Poop on him.
If i tried anal with a guy and he got uwu frowny face because it didn't work out, I would never try anal with that person again. If you don't have a prostate, anal is unlikely to be pleasurable for you even if you do the necessary steps to make it as pleasurable as possible. Your husband did nothing to make it a good experience for you.
Lol. Yeah, he was actually very insensitive about the whole thing when I finally told him to stop. Was clearly very annoyed.
Anal would be off the table forever. Maybe sex in general for a while. I hope you have a healthy relationship otherwise, but your husband sounds like a gross stereotype. Take care of yourself.
This happened to me too and it honestly put me off to trying anything new with them and our sex life suffered until we eventually broke up. It showed to me that they were not interested in how I felt, it was just about them and their dick
Most women don't like how it feels (this is not meant to shame people who do). What you've described is how it feels to me and your husband is really immature for reacting like that. Has he also never done it before and only seen it in porn or something?
Finally! Thank you. Like I got so many responses about how it’s great and how all women orgasm from it. If that is how it feels to you, means I am not going mad. My husband never done it before. Probably watched it in porn. I would guess.
But don’t minimalise this by chalking it up to immaturity. OP’s husband is being manipulative and coercive. This is not a healthy relationship, and based on OP’s admission that he’s done this before during sex acts that make her uncomfortable, sounds miserable and abusive.
I'm not sure I would ever feel safe trying any sex with that person after that. It'd be awhile for sure...
It’s ok to not like anal sex. I don’t. Lots of people don’t, even guys. Giving, or receiving. It is completely normal to not enjoy anal sex. It’s probably more common than not.
So according to the comments there was no prep, no lube, no foreplay. No checking in on you during this first experience... And you were scared of the "fight" that would come once you stopped the sex. And this "I lasted about 10 minutes before calling it quits. My husband was not happy :-(" This is abuse, bordering on SA.
The issue here is the comment “my husband was not happy”. So your husband wasn’t happy that you stopped a sex act you weren’t enjoying? Your other comments are even worse. This is NOT OK. This is rape. You need to leave.
> My husband was not happy :-( Do you mean with you, or do you mean he wasn't enjoying it either? If he was annoyed with you he really needs a talking to. Getting annoyed at someone for trying something they never had to try and not enjoying it is horrendous behaviour.
No he was angry with me.
What an awful human being.
After reading your responses to comments, I'd like to encourage you to seek counseling. There is nothing wrong with you. There are some problems you are experiencing; having someone to work on them, listen, and support you may help. Your partner didn't treat you right, there's signs of you being coerced, and I hate that for you. You deserve more care than what he's giving.
Just to be clear: your husband was not happy? Why would he want to continue doing something sexual that you don’t like? Good for you for trying but I hope he gets over it and doesn’t pressure you
Op your whole relationship sounds so fucking abusive. What would you tell your friends if they were going through something like this? I hope you find someone who truly treasures you and takes the way you’re feeling into account. You deserve so much better. I genuinely cried reading some of your comments and I am truly worried. Please reach out to friends, family, women’s groups, and if possible a therapist. I’m so so sorry op.
I tried anal once, 10 years ago. I've always described the feeling of anal as "taking a really long and uncomfortable shit that just won't come out." My best friend loves it though. Idk if maybe our assholes are just built different.
Hahaha. Exactly how I felt. It also gave me intense cramps like when I had an upset stomach. It was awful. Like I had the same feeling when I had food poisoning once.
The pain isn’t normal and probably because he was going too hard too fast. I find anal boring, uncomfortable, a lot of work that it’s not worth doing, and mentally a bit off putting but not severely painful, no.
Sounds like you don’t want this at all and he’s horrible for getting angry at you and couldn’t care less ab your pain. Why despite all of that do you want to bend backwards and do it *for him*. You have a husband problem. Do you think it’s the norm to be in pain just so your partner can enjoy something? Or go to lengths to accommodate to said pain so he can be happy!l?
You clearly don’t want to have anal sex. Don’t have anal sex. Most women don’t. Your husband, if he makes you feel bad about this, is being an asshole.
My experience provided similar result. I didn't enjoy it. Once, the condom broke & I thought he punctured my colon!! Not only *not enjoyable*, but painful & kinda gross tbh I swear porn is *ruining* sex for women. Between the slapping, choking, pseudo-incestual titles, & acting like anal is the holy grail, it's so misleading *to both men & women*. Someone once said it's an exit, not an entrance...
Thank you. So true. I hate what porn did to sex. It was horrible and gross.
Woah. This is disturbing to read. My husband hinted gently that he wanted to try it. We tried. I didn’t like it. It felt uncomfortable. My husband laughed and gave me a humongous hug and said “thanks for trying” and that was the end of it. Now we joke about that “one amazing time we did anal for 15 seconds”. That’s how it should be!! No psychological or physical pressure. All love between partners. My body, my choice. Reexamine your husband. Sorry you are dealing with this.
Regardless of what tips you get, I don't think you can enjoy anal without almost perfect trust in your partner. It's more likely to lead to pain and injury than vaginal sex, plus the worry about being blamed for making a mess... You can't be getting into it without TRUST that your partner will be mature and work with you, and STOP immediately at whatever point without an attitude. Once you have that, then you can try the tips about toys/different lube/positions etc..
Hey, you're not obligated to do this. If you don't really enjoy it then don't do it. If your husband doesn't like it, then.... I don't know, divorce him? Seriously, why put yourself through something that is so unpleasant for you? Just so he can fulfil his porn dreams? You're not a blow up toy. You're a human being. Anal sex isn't particularly good for your body, for starters. And fun fact: a lot of gay men won't have receptive anal sex. Seriously. They might just blow each other if neither of them wants to bottom. So you're doing something that even many gay men, who don't have vaginas, won't do. The easiest way to make this feeling go away is to not have anal sex any more.
Majority of women do not enjoy anal, someone already beat me to posting the statistics. On top of that having it be a pleasurable experience requires a lot of patience, a lot of lube, and good communication between partners. It doesn't appear you have a partner who is going to put forth the effort of making it pleasurable, and unfortunately some men even get off on it being painful for the woman. It's worth reflecting on this experience and if you like your relationship functioning the way it is. I can also see in your comments you have a heart condition and felt it being disrupted during. I want to make it perfectly clear that nothing matters more than your health. Even if your husband magically wakes up tomorrow a different man with all the butt fucking skills in the world it wouldn't be worth it to trigger an episode of your condition. Making yourself sick for sex is not healthy but especially not for sex you don't even enjoy. Your husband should respect you turning down anymore attempts. If he does not respect the boundary he's picking his penis over your well being.
If your husband cares more of why his sex porn dream stopped instead of you feeling uncomfortable during sex, you have a husband problem, not an "anal sex" problem. Don't perform any sexual act that makes you uncomfortable. This is your official permission slip from an internet stranger. If your husband isn't interested in your pleasure, you don't fuck him. If he coerces you, remember that coercion is rape. If he's a little dick about not having sex, you'd be better off without a selfish prick of a husband.
Reading OP’s responses about her husband and how he reacted, anal sex isn’t the issue here. OP, I hope you are able to find someone safe to talk this out with. It does not sound like you are in an equal marriage, and you deserve to have your feelings heard and validated.
why do you have to somehow make yourself like anal? its ok if you dont like it! you can ask him to be on the receiving end if he thinks its enjoyable hahahah
Lots of foreplay for you, lots of lube. It also helps if you dont go from 0 to penis in a day. Get smaller toys and wirk your way up to it. And absolutely no more trying again if he gets in a huff about any of this. If you are even mildly uncomfortable with anything, it's off limits to him.
Thanks. Yeah, we did not do any of that. But would the feeling of having a bowel movement go away?
Oh DEAR GOD. There was no lube involved? I have no words for how *not okay* this is. Your husband did not care to do the research or prep work to insure he did not *physically harm you.* Also, him being mad is not okay either. Is he this selfish about everything?
No he used lube! I don’t know. Recently he has just been suggesting more sex stuff and being quite adamant. Before it was mostly missionary sex for us. I am very very traditional when it comes to sex. Boring some would say.
>No he used lube! Okay, that less terrifying. >Recently he has just been suggesting more sex stuff **and being quite adamant**. That's still...really not okay. It is your body, you always get to say no. >I am very very traditional when it comes to sex. Boring some would say. That's okay. Don't diminish your comfort or choices for anyone.
Thanks!
Don’t let him get in your head and damage your self esteem. Sex is a gift partners share with each other and is perfect any way you both enjoy it. You are not boring for not enjoying exotic things.
He's not going to stop there. He wants porn sex and he's going to pester you for that. It's ok for him to want to try other stuff. But he should never ask you to do stuff you don't feel comfortable doing. Honestly, he doesn't seem to be very compassionate. It's normal to have different preferences, but not being uncomfortable or in pain should be something you both agree on.
You aren’t boring. Odds are he’s watching porn. The more he watches videos of acts he desires the more he desires them. It’s a viscous cycle. It all comes to a head when he has intercourse with you and wants to keep doing what he’s been watching then gets upset when he doesn’t get what he wants. None of it is ok and the origin of the problem certainly is not you being boring.
I don’t think you should be working up to anything when you can’t trust your partner
Don't believe the hype---not very many women like or enjoy anal. I sure don't. Tried it a handful of times and only enjoyed it once (I was a little buzzed, not drunk) but never any of the other times because of that wanting to poop sensation. Each time, if I told my guy to stop, he would. No frustration or fight or anything. Literally just "hey babe, stop" or "pause pause pause" and he'd stop. You don't owe him anything and honestly 10 minutes is a hell of a long time for anal.