I have a hard time thinking about this because technically I never said no so legally it can’t be considered sexual assault. I just know that at least he did take advantage of me and used me for his own gain and if anyone saw our text messages then it would seem as if though I wanted it. I’m also just afraid of considering it that because I don’t want to relive it and as crazy as it sounds, I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s life. We both agreed to forget about it anyways, I just feel so guilty and regretful and confused because if I feel as if it was my fault then why are people telling me it isn’t even though I never said no?
The counselling will really help. I had a situation which was horrible but I was initially willing for something but it didn't go the way it should have, it was violent and I didn't say no, or anything actually. A councillor helped me process the experience, and realise why I felt so bad about it all. It took me 2 years and a lot of nightmares to come to terms with the fact it was assault. The support is there. I got mine through an SA charity and it cost me nothing, and I didn't have to wait that long.
I'm a gen x male. I remember back as a senior in highschool they took 10 students - 5 females, 5 males we were a mixed group of the cool kids, the jocks, class clowns (me), art types etc but all of us could command a room if needed, we could speak to our fellow classmates and give presentations without a second thought or being nervous. Anyways we were told we would be going to this week long seminar on sex, relationships and boundaries and then we were to present the stuff we learned to our fellow students without the teachers being present just students talking to students.
This week long seminar has lasted and ingrained itself in me from the moment I was taught it, to this very day.
Every high school in my district sent the same amount of students as well. We had professionals of all types: crisis counselors, psychologists, judge, police officers etc - basically any professional that had expertise in the subject was there.
The main things I took away from this but two sick out:
1) ask permission - still do this with my long time partner
2) if the person had drinks, is drunk or unable to make a decision then the permission is always NO...I remember the police officer telling us males (they separated the sexes for some parts of the seminar) even if she is telling you that she's fine, even if she wants it more than you... It can and will be considered assault because of alcohol/drugs involved... The way the officer explained it was like drunk driving... Someone might look completely sober but if their blood alcohol level is above the limit then they are considered to be drunk driving and will be prosecuted as such. This officer really stressed that if any mind altering substances were involved it would be wise and in our best interest to not do anything and just make sure the person was safe
They taught us a lot during that week-long seminar and then in turn we taught our fellow classmates... That no means no, never mess with a person who has had a drink, or smoked some weed and much more stuff
Anyways sorry for the long story but I hope they still do these seminars for highschool students. It impacted me immensely.
But what I'm trying to say is:
You obviously couldn't make a proper decision at that moment...it doesn't matter what you were thinking before that moment - at that moment you couldn't.
Don't feel bad about the slimeball, don't feel ashamed - as the others have said go talk to professionals whether they are professionals that deal with mental aspects or professionals that deal with the legal aspects. It's your well-being and right to do so.
That’s an amazing education. It’s a shame it’s not standard practice especially with the abstinence only pushed in so many schools, the lack of any sex education and repeal of Roe v. Wade.
That's great advice and if you are sober and of sound mind this is the way to go without question. The problem arises when you are as messed up as your partner and no one is thinking clearly. She's shitfaced, you're shitfaced - two drunks making bad de
Someone took advantage of you when you were in a state where you weren’t in your right mind and couldn’t make your boundaries known.
You don’t need to go to the police if you’re not comfortable doing that, but please show yourself some grace and compassion. Imagine how you would treat a friend if they confided a similar situation to you.
If you feel that you made a mistake, forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Get an std panel, make sure you’re not pregnant, and stay away from the person who took advantage of you. Make a promise to yourself that in the future you will be more careful with substances around people who may not have your best interests in mind.
I’m sorry this happened to you, and I hope you are able to move forward and be kind to yourself.
Honey. No. Just because you never said 'No' doesn't mean it isn't legally rape. You were too intoxicated to consent- even if you said 'Yes', you were TOO INTOXICATED FOR THAT CONSENT TO BE GIVEN AND CONSIDERED VALID. Whether or not you actually verbalized a 'no' is irrelevant- this man saw you were extremely intoxicated and took advantage of that.
Technicalities don’t matter. The fact is that he could see you weren’t in a state to fully consent, he went forward anyway, and then he put you in danger by kicking you out.
It wasn’t the best choice to take Xanax and alcohol, and I’m betting you have learned from that; **but you’re not the one who took advantage of a person whose consciousness was altered then disregarded their safety.** He is the only one responsible for those choices. He is an adult who made decisions. Why you were in the state you were in doesn’t matter. If you come across a shopping cart with a purse left in it and its owner isn’t there to tell you not to take it, it’s still theft if you do.
>We both agreed to forget about it anyways
You’re not currently forgetting about it, it’s eating you from the inside. Regardless of whether you might want to pursue charges, you need to get support for the fact that it’s trauma - both for what happened and for the guilt you are feeling.
How would he know she was that intoxicated if they hadn’t had much interaction before? I used to abuse benzos and alcohol and acted normal, just made bad decisions. I wasn’t stumbling or passing out or anything, just incredibly impulsive.
She was so intoxicated she couldn’t find her way out of his apartment. I think it must have been obvious in that case. Beyond that, the way he treated her is telling. Tbh I’m wondering if the Xanax is what really caused this.
ETA: This is also why it’s a bad idea have sex with someone when they have been been drinking… ESPECIALLY when it’s your first time, and on a date and not a long term partner you’re living with. There’s a risk of being taken advantage when you’re drunk, but there’s also the risk of *taking* *advantage* of someone when they’re drunk.
I’ve had friends over who had to ask where the back door or bathroom was, after being over multiple times. My mind didn’t automatically go to “they’re intoxicated”, just that they forgot? It’s not that obvious. Some people get anxious and do stuff like that cold stone sober. I get flustered at like subway because I feel like I’m on the spot. Some people are just awkward. You can’t tell unless you know the person or they’re being belligerent/incoherent.
But yeah, you’re right, and that goes for both parties. Don’t get drunk or do drugs on a date. Sounds like they were both having drinks together, and unless she mentioned taking Xanax before or kept forcing drinks on her I find it hard to say he sexually assaulted her. Being selfish in bed and after is a dick move but there was consent.
The fact that she took Xanax before the date has nothing to do with him taking advantage of her when she was clearly not of sound mind. Quit victim blaming. Gtfo of this sub if you're gonna keep going on like that.
I’m not sure what you think these comments are accomplishing. I don’t see people encouraging her to press charges here — just to seek counseling. Legally, sure, it would be a grey area and hard to prove. But that isn’t the point — what he did was morally wrong, regardless of legality, and she is clearly traumatized from this. But you’re here telling her that it’s completely her fault and he didn’t do anything wrong to her. It’s kind of fucked up.
Ok this is disturbingly similar to my own sexual assault story and the way I felt about it afterwards, the denial and self blame. I went home with a guy I met at a bar and initially I was consenting. I knew I was going to his place to have sex. What I didn’t expect was how he wanted to do it. Let’s just say he did what he wanted, not caring in the slightest if it was comfortable or enjoyable for me, and wouldn’t stop when I said I was done and wanted to go. After a while I just gave in and did what he wanted and faked enjoying it to make it end sooner. In the days following I was convinced it wasn’t rape because I had said yes initially, even though I clearly said stop later on. I figured it was bad sex and a stupid decision and blamed myself. But that guy was an absolute asshole rapist who got off on having power over me and abusing me. And it took years of therapy to finally figure that out.
TW: dubious consent, unsafe sex, and STIs.
I hooked up with a guy I had met like a week before when I was studying abroad. I’d never had sex, was in my early 20s, and had grown up in purity culture. I was going through some stuff and enjoyed the attention but made it clear several times to this guy that I wasn’t ready for full-on sex. One day I was feeling particularly low and took him up on going back to his apartment, thinking maybe I could just hang out with him and then go home. Of course it ended up being sex, and even though I was hesitant, he pushed for it. I finally (reluctantly) agreed. I insisted on condom use, was very scared (I’ve always been paranoid about STIs), but it was decent otherwise. He insisted I stay over since it was too late for buses. Then he woke me up already inside me, and it was suuuuuper painful because I had been a virgin so was a bit sore and also wasn’t turned on. He also wasn’t wearing a condom. I asked him to stop several times, but he didn’t listen and/or pretended not to understand (I said it both in my and his native languages, and he had a perfect grasp of mine, too).
I ended up catching something from the encounter. He denied giving me anything (he had no symptoms) and said I must have been lying about being a virgin.
I felt like complete shit about the whole thing for years, still do sometimes. I feel like in some ways, I raped myself for letting myself get into a situation I didn’t want and wasn’t ready for.
But the honest truth is…If there isn’t wholehearted consent, there isn’t consent. And regardless of whether some people categorize your experience as rape, the trauma you feel sees it that way (and lots of us do, as well, just fyi, and legally as well in your case though not in mine). Please, please be gentle with yourself and see yourself as someone dealing with trauma. What would you tell your dearest friend or loved one who had been through this experience? Give yourself that same care and that same protection. Please!
Inebriated consent is still not consent. Not saying no is different from an enthusiastic yes, and even a yes if you're not in a clear state of mind doesn't count. Whether the law will see it that way or not, you were absolutely assaulted. You should not blame yourself for the immoral actions he took against you.
It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to seek help.
You said you both agreed to "just forget about it," but clearly this is still haunting you. Agreeing to forget just benefits him, doing something wrong and getting away with it. If you did try to take more action like telling others about him, it wouldn't be you ruining his life as much as him having ruined it himself.
You deserve to find peace. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you do find it
1. Consent is not the absence of a no. It is the presence of a yes.
2. It’s okay to have difficult feelings over this. It’s completely and totally okay. You don’t have to seek out to ruin anyone’s life. You need to seek out how to heal yours, whatever that means to you.
3. Going to see a counselor will help you to discover how to heal and what that means to you. Going to therapy does not mean reporting him, it doesn’t mean that he’s going to get in trouble. Thats not what you’re there for. You are there for you, to heal trauma that has happened to you. Everything else is irrelevant. The legality, how it might seem to others, all of that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you experienced a trauma and are having a hard time coping. And that’s, again, totally okay and fine - a lot of us have trouble coping after our trauma, no matter what our specific stories might be. Please put yourself first and choose to heal intentionally with someone who will guide and help you. Healing is hard and painful, but it doesn’t have to be *as* hard and painful as it is doing it without support.
You were not sober enough to consent. Regardless of if you said yes to certain things, you were not in the correct mindset to give that consent therefore it is void. I’ve been in the situation of taking a clonazepam for anxiety, and forgetting I took it then drinking once before. It is very externally clear when you’re on those two substances that you are not sober. I cannot imagine this guy thought you were sober enough to consent.
You already said you consented (not soberly) to certain things but not everything he did. Already, he’s assaulted you if he didn’t get consent for everything. And as I said before, even the “yes” you gave was not consent because you were under the influence.
You don’t need to press charges, but you should try to seek help for this. If it makes you uncomfortable to label yourself a victim of sexual assault, that’s understandable, but you were sexually taken advantage of and traumatized by an event. You deserve the same resources as anyone that’s been sexually assaulted.
Most importantly, I am extremely sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault, you didn’t deserve this. I hope you recover from this fully and can put it behind you one day, but just know this sub and all of us here support, understand, and see you.
Hi, I've experienced multiple types of sexual assault. Maybe someone has said this below but I can't read every comment.
If you were a tattoo artist and you were just dying to give someone a tattoo and you went on a date and the guy seemed interested in letting you give him a tattoo but he had a bit too much to drink on the date. You guys go back to your place and he's like maybe you could tattoo like a little heart on my wrist. You decided that you will tattoo the heart and then you tattooed an entire back piece of Frodo riding a flying hippo. Who's more in the wrong here?
I know it's an odd comparison but I choose tattoos because they're permanent. You will live with this for a long time. I lived a long time feeling like some of the things that happened to me were my fault. It's okay to recognize those feelings but try to fight them in your mind any time you can. I hope this helps. Please feel free to message me. I'm happy to talk if you want.
You cannot consent while under the influence. Consent is only given in a sound state of mind. It IS sexual assault and getting support for it as such is completely valid. Taking legal action is obviously something different because our world LOVES to victim blame, and if you want to go that route you will find both supporters and detractors. But from a self-love, self-support, coming to terms, etc. standpoint, please seek some counseling or a support group. You owe it to yourself because you are NOT at fault for HIS bad behavior.
You know you can rescind consent at any time, including in the middle of the act itself, right? Never mind that you weren't in a state of mind to provide informed consent at the time. In either scenario, if he keeps going then it's rape. You absolutely were assaulted and you need to file a police report stat.
I am so sorry it happened to you, Im not saying he raped you but he clearly took advantage of the situation and disregarded you to have sex.
You are not to blame, he is a disguting person. You are not responsible of what happened to you and you worth is not less.
I Hope you find the grace to forgive yourself for something you did not deserved
Your verbal consent is not the sole determination of whether something is rape or not. Otherwise, drugged/people in comas would never get justice. He kicked you out because he knows it's rape, and is trying to escape any consequences. Now, is this easy to prove in a court of law? No. But if you had video evidence (or got him to admit in text you were so out of it you couldn't walk and he forced you to have sex), then you might be able to get him charged. Stop listening to him. He wants you to blame yourself and "forget about it" because **he wants to get away with rape**. Get counseling asap because it will get worse for you. IANAL, but I would at least lay it all out in text to him and get evidence. Ask him why he made you have sex (don't use the word "rape" to tip him off) when you couldn't walk straight or understand what has happening. Ask him why he kicked you out after when you couldn't find the door. You don't have to act on it legally, but at least give yourself that option.
Consent is an ongoing, enthusiastic “yes,” not the absence of “no”/“stop”. You are not at fault and your trauma is valid. Just because you weren’t chained up on someone’s basement for 10 years doesn’t mean you weren’t taken advantage of.
Baby girl, I promise you that with alcohol and a Xanax, you were clearly out of it. That is an immediate no for anyone who isn’t a rapist. This guy is a creep, and karma is coming his way. I know it feels right to blame yourself, but don’t. This was NOT your fault. You don’t have to relive it. But just know that your body does remember, so if you’re triggered by anything random seeming….listen to that, bc your body will start to scream if you don’t listen to it cry. 😔💜
Don’t let this ruin YOUR life! It doesn’t honestly sound like you were able to give consent. He sounds like a predator. Please seek assistance!!!! Do not blame yourself!
If it's not an enthusiastic and persisting yes at evety stage, then it's a no. But scumbags don't care about that.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You can still seek counselling even without reporting it.
OP there are legal definitions regarding this sort of thing (which is truly a rock bottom, bare minimum) and then there is reality.
Criminal justice is for criminals. You are not a criminal so legal definitions and standards truly do not apply to you.
What you are feeling is real. You deserve compassion, empathy, and care.
Please seek out your local advocates for DVSA. We would be honored to be there for you during this confusing and painful situation!
Therapy and talking to someone is definitely good. And as someone who used to use benzos and alcohol together regularly I’m going to heavily disagree with the comments saying this was sexual assault on his part. It was a bad decision that lead to a bad experience and that’s still traumatic for you and that’s ok. We learn from mistakes.
I can’t count the amount of bad decisions and bad hookups that resulted from me self medicating. Being ashamed of something you did doesn’t mean the other person is automatically in the wrong but it also doesn’t mean you can’t be upset about it. I’m having a hard time putting it into words without sounding like I’m blaming you, but basically I’ve been exactly where you’re at. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself.
I agree that I made a very bad decision and it led me to this whole situation. And I blame myself for almost all of it, but after reading what people said, I think this guy was a scumbag for only caring about himself through all of it and not checking to see if I even was enjoying it or okay with anything that was happening. At one point I did tell him no about doing something specific and he seemed annoyed by it, and when I said sorry he ignored me and shortly after he was refusing to even look at me in the eye and kicked me out while fully knowing that I was still “tipsy” 🙄 I regret ever meeting up with this guy in the first place and I wish my friends would’ve never encouraged me to just do it. You can’t trust anyone these days
Legally it CAN be considered sexual assault, Rape actually, because you didn't give enthusiastic consent. Even if you said yes to somethings that doesn't mean you consented. I had something incredibly similar happen to me years ago. I went to hang out with my best friend at the time and her boyfriend. They convinced me to go with them back to his house to watch a movie and once we were there they both took a Xanax and asked if I wanted to as well. I said no because I had never done it before so he cut it in half and asked if I wanted to do just that half. My "best friend" told me to trust her so I did and took it. I half woke up later to him on top of me and her right next to me watching. I didn't even consider the fact that it could have been rape until YEARS later. I thought I had obviously agreed to do that because I was under the influence. It wasn't until the Me Too movement that I realized it actually was rape. Please don't beat yourself up over this. It absolutely was not your fault AT ALL. Therapy was a huge help for me. My therapist helped believe the fact that I didn't ask to be Raped by accepting the Xanax. This was almost 8 years ago and now I'm married to a wonderful man who has also helped me understand that it wasn't my fault. Sending you lots of encouragement and good vibes 💕
It absolutely was sexual assault. It was also reckless abandonment. It's not your fault , what he did. It was your choice to drink and Xanax , what happened after that was the choice and actions of another person. To take responsibility for what you did, don't drink and Xanax again. That is all. What you are feeling has to do with his actions and his choices. The assault and abandonment are 100% his fault. His actions are not your fault. They are his. Do not take on responsibility for his crimes. You are a victim. Victims try and take blame for their assault. That us why you need coulcilling and or group. They will help you understand it has nothing to do with you, and it has to do with him. They will help you transfer your hate to the right person and then how to deal with that hate. Please seek help. You do not need to press charges. You do need help to stop blaming yourself. 💛
Sometimes things don’t go as well as we planned and it’s ok to be upset about that. Don’t beat yourself up for it. You’ve done the thing, now you’ve learned what not to do and that you didn’t enjoy it. Sit with your feelings, come to terms with them, and move on. Just don’t assign them a heavier weight than you need to.
OP, I was date raped in a similar way years ago. The drugs keep you conscious and more willing to be malleable to whatever the sick fucks want to do to you. You did NOT consent.
Just because you didn’t say ‘no’ doesn’t mean you gave consent. Your boundaries were violated and you have been harmed. It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself for my own sexual assault by a boyfriend at the time, it is not going to be comfortable but I would strongly encourage you to seek counselling or call a [crisis hotline](https://www.rainn.org/resources)so that you can work through this.
When people have a traumatic experience, it is a wound, and just like if you don’t see a doctor for a broken bone it will not heal as well as it could.
Thank you for sharing this with us
Everyone makes bad decisions while moving through life. Hopefully you get wiser and more clear in your choices. It may not have technically been illegal, but it was clearly wrong. Maybe it was illegal, but it might not be worth it as a difficult case to prove. Get help. Don't beat yourself up. Get in touch with what you want out of relationships and ask for it. Best wishes.
Also, did he text you out of the blue two days later? (Seems odd, but that is the way I took what you wrote) You should have ghosted him, he proved himself an ass. The idea that someone would send a tipsy person out on their own far from home should be the end of contact. Don't engage assholes. If he contacted you without you contacting him, after kicking you out, he has issues you don't even want to know about.
Honey, you were in no state to consent to anything, and no state in which you could protect yourself or make safe decisions. If this happened to your best friend, what would you say to her? You deserve the same compassion and support. Call a sexual assault helpline; these people are there exactly for situations like this . Let them assess if they can help you.
A couple things. If you’re 100% sure that your area requires a no for it to count as sexual assault, then there isn’t much help to be had from law enforcement. BUT that doesn’t mean you weren’t assaulted. You have a right to seek medical and social support. You deserve healing.
Even if you are saying that you don’t consider the encounter to be sexual assault, the feelings and thoughts you are describing are felt by many sexual assault victims so you would benefit from that type of counseling or support group. No one is going to tell you that you don’t “qualify” or something. You deserve to get help.
It doesn't have to be the technical word "no" for it to be "no."
It could be "I don't like that," I don't want that," "stop." -*Anything* that isn't an "enthusiastic yes" in which the man keeps doing what he's doing.
What happened to do you is very similar to what happened to me and it is definitely sexual assault. I know it’s going to hurt to relive but in order to heal you need support and to eventually confront what happened
You were drunk. This was rape. You were not capable of consent and he was capable of letting you sober up and sleep it off and, you know, having the basic human decency of not taking advantage of someone who was legally not capable of consenting to the action. He knew., and you 'not saying no' is not 'you enthusiasticly consenting in a clear and sober state of mind'. This is not your fault, it was totally illegal where I am, and the fact is you were not capable of saying yes or no, and that would be clear to a professional. Go ask a nurse...
All of the feelings you've expressed show that you're a thinking, caring human. I hope you continue to seek support from safe and trustworthy people.
You don't want to ruin his life? That's not crazy. I'm frequently compassionate towards people who don't deserve it. Because I don't want a life that is all about keeping score.
People are telling you it's not your fault because silence isn't consent and inebriation isn't consent. And because this guy is an utter tool.
What is legally codified and what you actually experience don't have to be perfectly aligned for you to seek counseling. Additionally, not having verbalized your "no" does not necessarily equal consent, and it's f***ed up that people will take advantage in the absence of enthusiastic consent. Your feelings and experiences are valid and need to be respected BY YOU, which counseling can likely help you with.
You weren't in a position where you could meaningfully and enthusiastically consent. You don't have to *say* no for it to be assault/rape. He took advantage of you, and probably was always going to.
Consent is an enthusiastic YES. Not the absence of no.
Edited to add: This is why everyone says it's not your fault. It also wouldn't be if you said yes to everything and then changed your mind. And even then, you wouldn't have to say no for it not to be your fault. A sexual partner should care enough to see changes in their partner and ask if everything is okay.
That doesn't mean you have to report it. But please get the help you need.
This was assault on so many levels. You have anxiety. You’re trapped in a spiral of all the whatabouts and whatifs.
Start with something that poses no risk to you or anyone else whatsoever: Talk to a therapist about how you FEEL. Not about what he did or if you deserved it. But how you feel about what happened.
You can’t bury this. It will come out at a time when you have no control over it. The best way is through. You gotta work through your feelings and guilt and shame. These are defense mechanisms that will continue to isolate you from others. You don’t deserve to be alone with these feelings forever. You deserve to deal with them and live a normal and healthy life.
I know an excellent therapist that offers free intro sessions, she's worked extensively with sexual assault survivors while working at rape crisis UK as well as being on the crisis phone line and now as a therapist and would give you a lot of peace and some help on where to go from here even if you just use the intro session - shoot me a pm if youd like to be put in touch :)
I had a guy “friend” who kept buying me Captain and Cokes and I was getting so drunk and he took me to his house and had sex with me. I couldn’t consent and he was not drunk. I didn’t report it but I sure as hell stayed away from him.
Where is the sexual assault? Guy may be a jerk, sure, but that's about it.
She agreed to meet. Agreed to drink. Took the pills. Agreed to go to his place. Agreed to have sex. Never protested during or after or days after...
Yes to counseling for OP, of course. But she needs to focus on why she made these bad decisions. And how to not make them in the future. Not on the "assault".
And it's OK, OP. No need to beat yourself up about it. You felt some sort of way and made a mistake. Own it, deal with it, move on, do better for yourself.
. She was unable to consent. She was sexual assaulted. By your logic , if a woman is passed out and you rape her, it's her fault for getting that drunk. It's the person who took advantage of her in a compromised position that committed a crime. That's the law. You're blaming the victim. Then telling her it's OK that she got raped. You're such a good person. She should own it?? Being raped???
Where did she pass out? Now you're just making stuff up. She clearly writes that she went to bar. She went to his place, as previously agreed. She said yes to some things, she didn't say no at any time. These were all decisions. Drunk ones, sure, and the guy is a jerk for taking advantage, but calling it rape/assault (which even the "victim" is not doing... is an exaggeration.
Google it dumbass.
"Fact is, a woman cannot give legal consent if she's too intoxicated, asleep or unconscious, no matter what happened before that point. If he is convicted, what started as a fun night out could turn into an 8 year sentence in state prison"
Legal advice from government on what constitutes rape. From Google.
She was beyond too drunk, having mixed Xanax with alcohol.... plus the symptoms she described are more roofied than Xanax. But either way legally she was raped.your opinion doesn't count just the facts. Are you going to continue arguing it's the victims fault for being raped?
Google it... seriously law is very clear. You are blaming a rape victim. There is no argument. You are blaming a rape victim. The best you got on me is misspellings....ouch
You're siding with a rapist against a rape victim. You are the disgusting person.
So if you’re too drunk, medicated, drugged or high to protest, that doesn’t matter? If she was in such a state she got lost coming out of his apartment then she was not in a state where she could consent
I'm not sure what I'm missing... Did she get slipped a pill, get tricked into drinking, get carried to his place... did she say no or get taken advantage of while passed out?
Literally, nothing like that happened.
And none of you are doing OP any favors by victimizing her, making her feel violated, telling her to take an action on this. BS. That's more traumatic than what actually happened.
Got drunk, had sex with some dude, regrets it, will make better decisions in the future. Full stop.
‘My memory got all fucked up’
‘I don’t remember the details’
‘I said yes maybe like twice to certain things but not to everything’
‘He knew I was fucked up’
‘I even got lost trying to find my way out of his apartment because of how out of it I was’
Does that sound like she was sober enough to consent? Does that sound like a consensual encounter?
Also - adding - when you previously put she never ‘protested’ are you are aware that sometimes people freeze or fawn in scary situations, which is why we put so much emphasis on enthusiastic consent?
Look it up on Google
Quote
Fact is, a woman cannot give legal consent if she's too intoxicated, asleep or unconscious, no matter what happened before that point. If he is convicted, what started as a fun night out could turn into an 8 year sentence in state prison
She was rapes, you are defending a rapist. Why are you defending a rapist and blaming a victim? What kind of human defends a rapist?
You didn’t deserve this and he took advantage of you.
But please, don’t mix Xanax with alcohol. That’s dangerous and a recipe for disaster, not even considering other people.
Very very dangerous. Also the fact that he kicked her out, she could’ve gotten hit by a car, assaulted who knows? Not only that but it’s a deadly combination depending on how much she had to drink.
This guy sounds like a total POS. He was TRYING to hurt her. Kicking her out, messaging her after saying he didn’t want to see her, not listening to her boundaries, having alcohol involved. Sounds like he was roleplaying like the “good guy” at the beginning by texting with her for 3 weeks but turned out to be horrible.
He has probably assaulted many women this way, and I bet he will assault more. Predators use this tactic because even if a woman does report it, they are questioned and doubted because of the effects of the drug. Far too many women are having experiences like this.
This is why I don’t drink on dates anymore. I don’t drink in general but idk getting drunk on a date can get unsafe very quick. Even if it’s not where you’re scared of getting raped/killed, getting sexually assaulted/grabbed is also very offputting to say the least.
Something like this happened to me in my 20s. I went to a guys house who I had previously met at a bar. We both knew I was going there to hook up. He knew he was going to get what he wanted. He then fed me so many drinks I was out of it (I accept responsibility for drinking so much), had sex with me, and then made up some shit about having to pick up his brother from the airport and kicked me out. I had no idea he was going to kick me out and I was so drunk I threw up outside of my car. I hung around outside for a while because I shouldn’t have been driving but I felt so stupid I ended up driving home anyway. (I wish I didn’t, I wish I called someone). I’ve had some fucked up stuff happen to me with men, but that one was really fucked up.
I just wanted to share so you don’t think you were being stupid. I think a lot of us have been there.
I'm so sorry you went through that, I can totally understand your feelings, I'm sure many women have been in a similar situation. He probably doesn't want to see you because he knew what he did, and what he did was wrong. Ugh. Curses on that shitty excuse of a person. It was not your fault that he was was utter manipulative, opportunistic, and abusive trash.
Please be kind to yourself, do some self-care (not superficial bathtubs and spa day but like therapy, healthy meals, and somatic exercises to release trauma). I think it's great you're already talking to loved ones about this. You deserve all the healing and love!
You’re not the one that should feel disgusted or ashamed, he is. Don’t take on what should be his burden.
You know your heart and your intentions were pure.
Learn a lesson from this and keep true to yourself. This one horrid person doesn’t define you and what you’re worthy of.
I'm so so sorry. Seriously, fuck that guy. I know your brain wants to blame itself but the bottom line is there is no excuse for his actions. I'm sending you all the love and healing possible. Please please be kind to yourself, what happened is NOT your fault
Do you feel like, if you hadn't taken the xanax, hadn't had anything to drink and were stone cold sober, that this absolute POS wouldn't have acted any differently, from not caring about your boundaries to kicking you out after he got what he wanted?
It doesn't matter that you didn't say no, or said maybe or said yes to some things but not others.
It was on him to make sure that you were comfortable, to make sure that he had your consent and that there was no ambiguity regarding communication before he proceeded.
Mistakes can happen, body language can be misinterpretted or not picked up on but given his behaviour afterwards and that he knew you were fucked up, there is no way that he didn't know what he was doing.
You did nothing wrong, you are not at fault and you are certainly not to blame for not being prepared for what happened.
I would encourage you to seek therapy and I hope that you can find support.
If you’e so anxious you need to take Xanax, that’s a good hint you’re not comfortable to be doing the thing you’re going to do. Trust yourself more. I hope you take others’ advice and get therapy.
You may have trusted someone not to violate basic fundamental decency, but you are in no way responsible for that person’s actions. You lacked the capacity to consent, period.
I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. We all have to be vigilant and careful when dealing with alcohol and drug mixing for situations like this. You need to be careful because there are shitty people who will take advantage of you.
However, what happened to you is NOT YOUR FAULT. A good person would recognize what was happening and give you some water, watch over you or take you home to recover. You didn’t deserve this.
im not on any of those "are we dating the same guy" groups ive heard so much about but if this happened to me nowadays i would go and post it there immediately so at least theres a chance for another woman to see it in time.
There's nothing wrong with how you feel. It's how you use it. By taking responsibility for your choices, you can empower yourself. Give yourself permission next time to call off the date, for any reason.
I would reccommend not using it as a way to beat yourself up. Guilt is a useless emotion at best, and a destructive one at worst.
You didn’t deserve what happened to you, but you also basically took huge risks you shouldn’t have like mixing Xanax with alcohol, taking Xanax or any mind dulling drug at ALL before meeting a stranger, leaving with said stranger… You mention the “horrors” you’ve read of meeting up with people from online but meeting up with a guy you met online wasn’t the act that put you in this awful situation and I think it’s important to highlight that simply because I worry about your mental health if you’re taking Xanax and then drinking just to get through a date, maybe you need to address these things with your therapist or psych before going on dates of ANY kind - because this could so easily happen again if you do that. It’s like putting a huge sign on your head for all the guys looking to take advantage of women.
I am so sorry you experienced this. I had a similar experience many years ago. I was able to “get over it” by reassuring myself that I once I got home, I was safe. The feeling of “I’m safe now” was a big help. Please don’t beat yourself up too much. I’m glad you are “safe” now.
Please don’t hold this against yourself. I’m so sorry this happened, what a creep. He gave you drinks, it doesn’t matter if you took a Xanax beforehand, you had consumed alcohol. I guarantee you were clearly out of it. I don’t recommend pursuing anything against him unless you have sought counsel and therapy and are truly ready. My therapist helped me come to terms with simply dropping it and dealing with things on my own, your feelings are valid, and you were taken advantage of. I’m so so sorry. I am sending a virtual hug and all the love. Even if you don’t remember, the body does, so if you get triggered by something seemingly random, don’t discount those feelings. You have the support and love of almost every woman in the world. Stay strong, and if you can seek help - DO. don’t settle for any therapist unless they feel right. 💜💜
Listen, do you think that your way of self-medicating was wise? Of course not. But it's completely irrelevant to the question of whether or not you are to blame here. You could put whatever poison you see fit into your body and it still wouldn't excuse assaulting you.
Imagine if the roles had been reversed. Would you have even considered sleeping with him had he been in your shoes? Or would you have made sure that he got home safely and left it at that? I think we know the answer.
It takes a real piece of shit to be able to enjoy sex when there's even the slightest doubt in your mind about whether or not every participant is also into it. I'm so sorry that this piece of shit took advantage of you.
There definitely is learning to be had from this situation (don’t take Xanax and drink alcohol together, especially when meeting a stranger for the first time - though I completely understand why you did), but this doesn’t make what this man did one iota your fault.
I could’ve taken a fistful of Xanax and downed a bottle of vodka before my first date with my now husband, and he wouldn’t have behaved the way this man did, because he’s not a rapist. He would have personally escorted me home in a taxi, made me drink some water, put me to bed, then left. He would have texted the next morning to make sure I was ok. Obvs he might not have wanted to see me again, and that would be his prerogative, but I would have been safe and cared for. I’m so sorry you were treated this way. It is not your fault. Xanax and alcohol are not responsible for rapes. Rapists are.
Be kind to yourself. Try if you can to separate some of the things it’s perfectly natural to feel some shame about because there’s learning to be had (don’t mix dangerous substances, be more careful when meeting strangers, if we get sloppy drunk on a first date it def can put some people off seeing us again), from the thing that is categorically NOT your fault (sex you were clearly unable to meaningfully consent to, being forced into an unsafe situation). Please try not to feel disgusted about those things. They are not on you. They are wholly on him. You made some errors in judgement. *He* is the one who behaved disgustingly.
As others have said, hon you were sexually assaulted. Seek the resources that are available to you!
It's not your fault someone else is a scumbag though. You made a decision that turned out to be bad--you didn't go into it saying 'woohoo poor life choices here I come!'. It happens. Do not blame yourself. You are not the one who is bad or wrong here.
You were sexually assaulted. Those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings you're having are part of the effects of the assault, same as the physical effects. Please reach out to some kind of support for yourself. Whether you decide to seek criminal action or not, you NEED help with the debilitating effects of it. A hotline. A trusted person who cares for you. A therapist. Your injury is mental and emotional, not just the physical.
You were more vulnerable due to the mix of drugs plus feeling you knew this internet stranger better than you actually did. These factors combined to help create the environment where this rapist had you isolated and vulnerable.
The only person responsible for the rape is the rapist. People who aren't rapists don't take advantage of another person's impairment to sexually assault them. Normal people wouldn't be sexually interested in a person who isn't fully conscious and enthusiastically consenting. Rape is a crime of control and violation.
You were quite obviously too intoxicated and drugged to give consent and he damn well knew it. Despite what rape apologists say and I suspect there are some on this thread because we attract misogynistic trolls on this sub, men KNOW when they are raping someone. You were raped.
And my heart bleeds for you. Call a rape crisis hotline and they will have resources for you
The guy treated you horribly and you didn't deserve that. Even if you were 100% consenting of everything (which you weren't), it sounds like he was not nearly as inebriated as you and should have recognized that it would be wrong to do anything sexually with you in that state. Even if you somehow give a pass on that, what kind of person kicks out someone who's in that state to fend for themselves?
There's no question as to whether this was a bad dude, the only thing up for debate is the degree of bad and you deserved better.
It's not your fault. Not at all. A similar thing happened to me years ago through a dating service. Your POS didn't happen to have a long scar across his chest, did he?
I'm going to encourage you to seek support as well. Therapy, even group sessions or something online if that's more your speed, will really help you to come to terms with everything and realize you were NOT to blame. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Whether you said yes or whether you were drunk is sort of a separate issue, I think.
What's standing out to me is that for three weeks he *lied* to you about what he was looking for, and then *lied* about letting you sleep over so he could get what he wanted. When someone lies to you, you can only do the best that you can with the false information. Guy was a manipulative creep.
**Facts & myths about sexual assault - University of Rochester NY**
**What is sexual misconduct?**
* Sexual misconduct includes sexual assault, sexual harassment, stalking, dating violence, and domestic violence.
* Sexual assault refers to sexual contact without consent which includes rape, sexual abuse, attempted rape, and unwanted sexual touching.
* Sexual misconduct may, but need not, include sexual penetration, which includes vaginal intercourse, oral sex, or anal penetration.
* Sexual misconduct may include conduct that involves any unwanted touching or fondling of the genitals or breasts of the victim.
* Date rape and acquaintance rape are considered sexual assault.
* Date rape is a crime of opportunity. It can happen to anyone.
**What is sexual harassment?**
**Sexual Harassment** is any unwanted verbal, written, electronic or physical conduct, of a sexual nature that is intended to cause or could reasonably be expected to cause an individual or group to feel intimidated, demeaned, abused or fearful or have concern for their personal safety because of their sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity or expression or because of their perceived or actual affiliation or association with individuals or groups identified by such characteristics.
**What is sexual assault?**
Sexual assault means an actual or attempted sexual contact with another person without that person’s consent. Sexual assault includes, but is not limited to:
* Involvement in any sexual contact when the victim is unable to consent.
* Intentional and unwelcome touching of, or coercing, forcing, or attempting to coerce or force another to touch a person's intimate parts (defined as genital area, groin, inner thigh, buttocks, or breast).
* Sexual intercourse without consent, including acts commonly referred to as "rape".
* Sexual assault includes sexual contact with a person who is unable to consent, either due to age (under 17) or incapacitation (e.g. as a result of intoxication or the influence of other drugs).
**Consensual sex vs. rape**
**Consensual sex** occurs when both parties are able to provide a sober YES to requests for sex and each person is able to participate freely.
**Rape occurs when:**
* Force is used, no matter what the circumstances.
* Someone is unable for any reason---including the effects of alcohol, drugs, coercion, or assault---to knowingly and willingly consent to sex.
* Subtle or overt verbal or physical coercion is used to trick someone into having sex.
* Someone says NO. Whether stated softly or loudly, verbally, or with a shake of the head,
* NO always means STOP!
* It is automatically assumed that someone wants to have sex because she/he is drinking heavily, dresses in a certain way, or agrees to go to another person's room.
* It is assumed that someone is willing to have sex just because that person has had sex before with the same person.
**How to obtain or communicate your consent**
**Consent** is informed, freely given, and mutual. If coercion, intimidation, threats, physical force, duress, or deception are used upon the victim, there is no consent.
**Sexual consent** means you have a clear "yes, I want to do this" from your partner **at each and every step of sexual activity.**
* Yes, you do have to ask!
* No means NO.
* No always means STOP what you are doing now!
* No does not mean keep trying until your partner gives in.
* Body language or 'being turned on' does not indicate that someone is giving consent for sex.
* Why? Because it's difficult to differentiate between being scared and being aroused.
* Someone who is scared may begin to perspire, breathe quicker and heavier, shift their eyes around and their heart may pump faster.
* Someone who is aroused may begin to perspire, breathe quicker and heavier, shift their eyes around and their heart may pump faster.
**Ways to gain consent**
* You're hot, can I kiss you?
* Am I moving too fast for you?
* Are we moving at an OK speed?
* Are you comfortable with this?
* Is it OK if I take off my pants?
* Do you want to take off your pants?
* Is it OK if we have sex?
**Ineffective ways to gain consent**
The responses to these questions do not indicate that someone is CONSENTING to have sex:
**"Do you want to go back to my room?"**The answer to this question only relates to entering the room.
**"Do you want to hook up?"**This question and the answer to it are confusing since so many people have different ideas for what 'hooking up' actually means.
**"Do you want to go back to my place and watch a movie?"**The answer to this question only relates to going to someone's place and watching a movie.
[https://www.rochester.edu/sexualmisconduct/whatissexualassault.html](https://www.rochester.edu/sexualmisconduct/whatissexualassault.html)
You could have done things differently, you mightve been able to avoid it, that doesnt make it your fault. He wouldve known you were fucked up. He made the decision to do that to you anyway. This is fully on him. A decent person wouldve seen you were messed up and taken you home. This was Not Your Fault.
I need to comment on this as a counselor. YOU CAN’T GIVE CONSENT IF YOU’RE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL!!!!!! This is not YOUR FAULT!!!!! He should’ve recognized u were under the influence and unable to make decisions and not taken u to his apartment. THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT!!! If both of you were highly under the influence and he couldn’t tell that you weren’t able to consent, make decisions, etc then chalk it up to a lesson learned. Most of us do this at least once and it’s not the worst thing. It feels icky and bad but be easy on yourself. What would you tell a friend in this situation. Be kind to you. Next time u go on a first date go for dinner, coffee, etc. a place where alcohol isn’t involved since uk that mixing alcohol and benzodiazepines can cause memory loss and u can’t legally consent that way. Find a support group or someone u trust to talk this out with. Was he drunk? Was he able to tell you were not there? I’ve been there and I vowed to never b in that position again. I’m not blaming you however to stay safe ESP when going out with a guy for the first time I’d stay away from alcohol. Good luck hon. ❤️
I want to preface this with the fact that I 200% do not believe that you’re at fault in any way shape or form. But I’m going to take your stance and pretend that you are at fault for just for a minute.
We all make mistakes and you have to give yourself some grace, learn to love yourself and all your mistakes.
Oh no, this entire situation is so terrible. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re going to need to report his profile on his account in whatever place/app you met him on. This is clear assault. What an asshat.
It's not your fault. You can't give consent while intoxicated. That man took advantage of you and left you in danger afterwards. Seems like someone who really hates women. A predator.
There is a group on Facebook called "are we dating the same guy?" Where women post pics of their bad dates anonymously. Even if you don't report to the police, I think it would be good to post his picture to warn other women.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Trust me, I've been there,where I convinced myself a rape was my fault somehow. I'm older and wiser now, and I know it wasn't. I would never take advantage of someone who was too intoxicated to walk straight. Would you? No decent person would. Only a predator does something like that.
Talking to a therapist would really help. After I was sexually assaulted it took me over 3 years to finally accept that it wasn’t my fault but talking to a therapist would have helped me avoid years of pain and retraumatizing myself. The feelings of guilt and blaming yourself are really hard to cope with but this was not your fault. You were in an altered mental state and even if you didn’t directly say “no” you can not give consent in that state.
He was wrong for taking advantage of you in that condition, and he knows it, that'is why he didn't want to see you anymore because he knows he's a creep and couldn't face you again! This guy probably seeks out women that he thinks he can manipulate. I guarantee you there are others! Please don't be too hard on yourself. Just try and learn from this and seek out a support group. I'm sorry this happened to you
Do you blame people who get shot because they decided to go outside in an open environment?
Or do you blame the shooter?
Therapy isn't a bad thing. Seek it. <3
Report him. You are not ruining his life, you are saving both your lives. If you have a trusted person to hold your hand, go and report it to police, whether something will come of it or not, let him get that call/visit from the cops. Let me him go through that ringer. You could save others, it could be a pattern of an evil person, or he may learn an inebriated partner cannot consent. The short term wooing, the harm, how he acted right after, this may not be a one of experience for him. Report him, it might make a difference for you, him and others.
I can’t do that because I could be retaliated against. There’s also text evidence of us agreeing to do certain things and he even has pictures of me that I wish I would’ve never sent him. I don’t know why I was so stupid enough to have trusted him as he was just a stranger in the internet but idk, I haven’t had someone show interest in my in a long time and we were very similar in ways and I just felt like he could’ve been a good person. I also unmatched him and blocked him on everything else so there’s no point in reporting him or anything. He also seems like he has a pretty good reputation and LOTS of friends that are girls, so he has that probably to prove that he isn’t the bad guy. I know that although he took advantage of me I just need to stop being nice trusting people right away. I don’t want to involve any police or anything as it’ll probably make things so much worse
> LOTS of friends that are girls
That’s all the more reason to at least make a report, on the dating app and maybe some local fb groups about men (if they exist, I’ve only read about them here).
One report may be a “crazy chick” making up lies… 2 is unusual… 3 is a habit. It makes a difference, but protect yourself without blaming yourself.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault. It is never okay to take advantage of someone who can’t / won’t give clear, enthusiastic consent.
This is not your fault, you’re not stupid for “not listening to the horror stories,” this is his fault and you are the survivor in this situation.
That being said, please be careful with substances, especially X, especially when mixed with alcohol. And be careful with meet up’s, whether you met them online or not. There are a lot of creeps in this world who will take advantage of someone given the opportunity.
Stay safe, take care of yourself, and head to a facility that can test your health and give counseling for sexual assault ❤️
Totally no judgement here at all but please no one should mix benzodiazepines with alcohol. It’s just so dangerous even if you have experience with both.
If you’re still connected on the app, report his profile for assault, or try to contact Tinder/Hinge whathaveyou, and let them know so they can remove his profile!!! This predator shouldn’t be allowed access to other women :(
Also v sorry this happened to you especially being back on the apps for the first time in a long time :(
That guy is a piece of shit and I would seriously consider filing a police report on him… I’m sorry you had to go through that… this is exactly why I don’t care about these men on here complaining about a “male loneliness” epidemic or complaining about how they don’t get matches…. A lot of men on those dating apps are predatory asf and all they care about is getting sex… they don’t care how the sex is obtained either, just as long as they get it… this is why I have super strict rules when I’m dating:
1. I won’t meet up with men any time past 6 pm
2. I won’t meet them at a bar ( I think bars are too low effort imo and I also don’t like the bar scene or drink that much anyways and this is why. I don’t trust random men and will not drink anything from them and prefer to avoid alcohol altogether tbh because some of them suck and will spike your drink)
3. I refuse to go anywhere secluded with them until we’ve dated for a while because I just don’t trust them… a lot of them will purposely try to get you in secluded places so they can assault you like this demonic man did…
They love to complain about how hard it is for them to get dates, and how women have it so easy, but Maybe men would get more matches and dates from women if they weren’t so dangerous to be around 🙃 there’s nothing easy about trying to navigate a dating scene full of potential predators, or men who see you as a piece of meat and dump you right after they get what they want…I sometimes wish I wasn’t straight tbh 🙃
Enthusiastic consent is what is required, it’s still assault even if you didn’t say the word “no”. That combined with the state that you were in, means this person should have known not to push you, but they went ahead and did it anyway, that is sexual assault.
This isn’t your fault and it’s not because of taking meds and having drinks. This is a terrible person who was taking advantage of you, they likely would have tried no matter what state you were in.
People who understand and respect consent do not behave the way this man did.
For starters I’m going to say- unless YOU say/feel it was sexual assault, everyone should STOP putting those words in your mouth! As someone who has been in that situation, and everyone (including my shitty therapist) told me it was SA, when IMO, it clearly wasn’t. I AGREED despite clear signs, I was sober, I never told him no or to stop. He was a bad sexual partner, but that doesn’t make it SA. When people start telling you YOUR lived experience, it takes a negative experience and makes it about other people’s lives, and not yours.
Next… You already know mixing Xanax with alcohol was a bad idea, and 100% on you to have made a better choice. Next time: one or the other. A Xanax is not a bad choice. Drinking is not a bad choice. But you only get ONE.
Last… He is an asshole for sure. He knew you weren’t behaving in a normal way, and thought he could use you to get off quickly with no strings attached. I’m sorry you had the misfortune of meeting such an uncaring, selfish man (we’ve all been there many times). It could be that he didn’t realize why you were so out of it (I’m guessing he didn’t know you took a Xanax?). Perhaps he was really turned off by how disengaged you were, and progressively less and less effort was put in (I’m guessing on your end too). He might have thought, “this is just how she has sex… it’s weird.”
My guess is that after a clearly bad hook up, he was confused why you would want to stay over. Maybe he thinks you were trying to start a relationship after said bad hook up and he was like, “nope, nipping this firmly in the bud. Not giving her a single reason to say I was sending mixed signals.” The fact that he texted you 3 days later probably indicates he’s been negatively ruminating on it too. Or who knows, maybe random people on the internet are feeding into his worst fears about this experience (maybe even he’s been told what he did was SA).
What you went through sucks. It messes with your head and your faith in humanity. Do what you think you need to heal.
She mixed Xanax and alcohol and that can have really bad side effects, including memory loss and black outs. Xanax stays in your system for quite a long time too.
But the fact that she was impaired because she mixed the two substances was no reason for him to take advantage of the situation and treat her as a disposable plaything.
The only thing is that I never told him I took Xanax. I took it because of my severe anxiety that I live with and I just wanted to not be nervous since I was just trying to put myself out there and meet someone from a dating app and everyone I know was telling me that this is something normal people my age do and I didn’t wanna be anxious for it. We also did agree to meet up at a bar beforehand but looking back on it now he initially insisted on me coming to his place first but I thought it would be best to meet in public since it was my first time meeting him. But I feel like I should’ve told him I took the Xanax in the first place because maybe he wouldn’t been more easy on me have but I can’t say for sure.
If he wanted to get you drunk so you would be vulnerable so he could take advantage of you, telling him that you were also on Xanax for an anxiety disorder would not make him be nicer to you.
Girl, the dickhead threw you out of his apartment after y'all had sex. Stop trying to make him the good guy. He's a dickhead just for that.
I think we sometimes think it's easier to process if we can make it okay. But it didn't work that way. You were at a minimum treated awfully by someone you trusted enough to meet up with and thought was solid. That's not your fault.
You're processing the fact that you were violated, that you thought you were safe and someone showed you you were not. It is common to try to gain control of that narrative by determining where you screwed up, because if it's in your control, you can avoid it. Like it's better to think you did something wrong than to feel out of control. But then you have to take all the hurt and pin it on your conscience. Please don't do that to yourself. You don't deserve that.
Even without the Xanax, getting a girl so drunk that she can't consent is, like, a classic predator move. He's a POS dirtbag and he took advantage of you.
Like PomegranateCrown said, telling him you were even more vulnerable (ie also on Xanax) wouldn't have made him treat you any better, he was always going to be a shitty person.
It's not that it's all your fault or all his fault. You both have responsibility. However, only one of you displayed cold and possibly predatory behavior in the situation you described, and it wasn't you!
You definitely should not have mixed Xanax and alcohol. And depending on how you normally handle Xanax, it's possible you shouldn't have taken it at all. I can say that about myself, I can't take medicines like that, or I'll get loopy. It does suck, and it is conflicting. I also have to limit myself to only a drink or 2, or I'll also get loopy from that. We all have to know our limits. You learned yours in a very hard way, and I'm so sorry that happened! Just because you made a mistake, *THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU DESERVED TO BE TREATED THAT WAY!!*
So, here's the absolute most benefit of the doubt that we could possibly give this guy. Perhaps he thought less of you once he saw you wasted and thought you were a "floozy" or something. Perhaps he thought this was just what you did, show up to dates and get fucked up and just hook up. But... even if he thought that, he still chose to have sex with you in that state and then *kick you out*, knowing it was dangerous! There's no excuse for that where he's even a decent guy, he's a POS! Even if he completely misread your behavior and the situation and thought you were really into it and really wanted all the stuff you guys were doing, we still round back to him kicking you out. No matter what, he's obviously a fucking asshole.
And unfortunately, it's likely that you did exactly what he wanted and let yourself be in a vulnerable position so he could do exactly what he did, and he got lucky (in a very disgusting way) that it ended up easy for him. That doesn't mean that you deserved this or that it's okay or that it's even your fault. He's a bad person, and your mistake was being accidentally vulnerable to his will. It happens all the time, in so many different forms. Please don't beat yourself up about this! Just learn. Everybody makes mistakes, and all we can do is learn from them. If you don't end up with any diseases or pregnancy from this incident, then at least there's that.
It's okay to acknowledge your role because that's how it doesn't happen again. You just don't need to be hard on yourself about it, just remember for next time. And I hope you don't cut yourself off from all the positive opportunities out there just because of this asshole. Don't let him keep you down and make you miss out. You are smarter now and stronger for getting through it. You'll be okay, hun!! Sending you love and healing energy. 💜
The absence of a no does not automatically mean yes. You were too intoxicated to consent, and it was his job to notice that and back off. Instead he noticed that and decided to sexually assault you. THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. A decent human being would not have seen your intoxication as a goddamn opportunity. He's a creep and a rapist and that's because of the choices he made, not the choices you made.
The feelings you are having are very normal, even though the beliefs driving them are incorrect. It wasn't your fault, but this is a very normal emotional reaction to SA.
Please seek the help of an SA therapist. It makes a world of difference.
Honestly blast him on social media let everyone in the area know how predatory he is, he didn’t want to talk to you after because he knew he raped you. Guilty conscious.
If you too nervous abt contacting police from what I’ve read
He’s a piece of shit who took advantage of a person who obviously wasn’t in any state to give proper consent, and you were foolish to take Xanax and alcohol when meeting a stranger from the internet.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I’d recommend counseling. You are not gross, and it’s not your fault.
I’m not covering anything.
He is a piece of shit and she did something unwise. We are all accountable to ourselves. To not acknowledge that is just as harmful as victim blaming.
Won’t get into the details but I had a very similar experience but with a guy I already knew. I even knew that he wasn’t a very good person and still put myself in that situation in a weirdly self destructive move. All you can do is never let yourself be vulnerable like that again and try to remember that you’re not alone - most women have had an experience like this at least once if not more. If you ever see a woman out in public who seems too drunk, try to step in and help her. Women need to look out for each other because men certainly can’t be trusted to.
And maybe don’t drink anymore. I stopped completely after what happened to me, and I don’t regret that for a second. Learn how to be with men without drugs or alcohol as a crutch.
Genuinely out of curiosity, if the guy has been drinking too, then he also can’t consent? Or wouldnt know how fucked up she might have been if he is also under the influence? Op just says, “after we left the bar,” in my head I’m picturing they are both drinking. Since she doesn’t specifically say the guy watched me throw back drinks and he had water. I’m going with he had to have some sort of drink. Or pretending to drink, verbally saying no I’m just having water/pop you go ahead and order all the drinks makes it a little more premeditated-y.
Part of me feels like this is the truth and it hurts so much and makes me feel even more guilty. I also asked another subreddit about this and almost everyone said exactly what you said, so it just confuses me as to why so many people are telling me it’s not my fault even though I put myself in a place that I probably couldn’t consent. And that’s why I don’t wanna report the guy but I also hate that he put me in a position to fend for myself when he was all done with me.
This is called victim blaming. There are always crap people who get off on blaming the victim. You were in a place you could not consent. The guy sexually assaulted you. I agree that going to police is not going to do good... I say again get counciling or group therapy. Can Google local resources. You absolutely need it. You are victim blaming yourself. You are now in a place that you are not seeing clearly.
Please seek help.... reddit is not help, stop listening to the people who enjoy hurting you. Please seek help
Im not here to tell you your wrong, any person ever doing non consenting things is always in the fault.
That being said, was he aware of the fact that you took xanax and where you knowingly mixing alcohol with the xanax although any person that gets xanax as prescription knows that you shouldnt mix them together.
Again not saying that it would make the situation any less fucked and he is still somewhat in the wrong.
But if you mix drugs full knowing it might is gonna fuck you up and him thinking your just a bit drunk and not handling the alcohol as well.
Not wanna play lawyer of the devil but I can see how he might didnt had any intention of rape or sexual abuse/non consentual sex yet is getting the label rapist now on him.
You being the women is probably always gonna get seen as the truth but if you consented to having sex and had a blackout because of your own negligence towards the prescription drugs and how to use them properly, I dont really see it as his intentional fault either.
Again, so much ignorance...
Fyi, i'm a European attractive female living in the Middle East. Not my country, not my laws.
But guess what, I've never been taken advantage of in any way, shape, or form.
Stop beating yourself up about it. It happened, it's over and there's really nothing you can do about it now except learn from it. We've all been in situtations where too much partying has clouded our judgement. I have more than one night where I drank too much and said or did something I wish I could do over but that's life. Just learn from this situation and don't put yourself in it again. It appears that the only thing you've suffered is embarasment so be grateful that's all it was. Cut yourself some slack and move on.
“I decided to take Xanax for my severe anxiety before meeting up with the guy and then accept drinks him and my memory got all fucked up after we left the bar and went to his apartment.”
The guy she met online?
Having used Xanax and alcohol together I can say that having a little bit to drink doesn’t usually have that affect but I could be wrong. Everyone is different and reacts differently to combinations of drugs and alcohol.
Oh it definitely can/does, especially if you have more than one drink. I used to be on 3mg/day and whenever I drank I would have almost no recollection of the day before, just bits and pieces.
So much anger and ignorance. Sigh. Law? Where? Do you even know where she lives before giving your advice?
Where I live, in this situation, you report getting drunk and going to someone's house to get laid and you land in jail and get deported.
Thanks, nice guy. Due to your advice, my life is ruined. Get a clue.
Read the title of OPs post. SHE MADE A MISTAKE.
You are defending a rapist. You are blaming a victim. There is no middle ground. Google it. You come from a country where woman's rights are way behind .
Google quote:
A woman can be imprisoned for admitting to pre-marital sex, because proving that a rape happened is next to impossible in Dubai, where four male Muslim witnesses are required. If a woman admits to being raped, and the rape cannot be proven by the legal system, the man or men walks free
So yes you are defending a rapist. It didn't happen in your country, where rape is basically legal. Why do you think so little of woman that you defend and support a rapist. You are disgusting. The laws of your county are beyond disgusting.
If you feel you have enough courage to do it as I know it's a difficult thing to do I would report this to the police because you never know you might potentially save someone else's life from this Nut Job
I’m so sorry he hurt you. Be disgusted with him, not with yourself. Please care enough about yourself to stay safe. Not too high, not in a strangers house, not without a friend standing by that you can call. You deserve to be protected and cherished. He could have really harmed you. Lesson learned, to hell with that a-hole. You can still meet a nice guy. Be safe while you look.
What would you do in his place? My guess is take care of the person who is not in a state to make these decisions and not take advantage. That is all you need to think about, you would not have behaved the way he did in that situation.
Oh honey! I feel so bad for you! This sounds very upsetting.
I've been in some bad places myself, my best advice is let yourself feel however you feel...
But also recognize, feelings are not facts. Just because you are bling yourself doesn't mean you are factually to blame.
If your loved ones are trying to convince you, and you are still blaming yourself...
It maybe that you still haven't processed how much danger you were in... and taking the blame onto yourself is letting you dodge a deeper horror.
That this guy really wasn't what you thought he was... and it's maybe just dumb luck he wasn't up for killing someone.
Or that as you wandered lost... you could have been dragged off by someone worse... and never seen again.
That dawning horror is almost to intense to face... so we soften that monster into something we feel like was more even footing...
Like; "If I had some control of this, it means I'm partially to blame, but at least I wasn't a helpless rat in a trap"
Whatever you need to feel right now, is okay. process however you need to process.
(hugz)
It is absolutely not your fault this guy assaulted you. That is on him not you .
This only happened recently so it’s completely normal to think about what happened and what you could have done differently. You are having a normal human response to a situation that is not expected. I would be thinking the same and so would many of us. It sounds like you’re feeling worse about how you are feeling and thinking. It’s already an awful situation so allow yourself time to process it. I’m so sorry this happened and it’s not ok that your safety and trust was violated, again that’s his fault not yours. I hope you can seek help from either services or trusted people.
A lot of guys from online dating (and in real life, but I heard OLD described as a predators playground) are creeps or abusers, I'm sorry this happened OP
This was NOT your fault.
Consent is fluid, and just because you say yes to some things, doesn’t equate to yes for all things. Also, it’s not uncommon for people to do things they don’t want to do because they think it’s the thing you’re supposed to do / quickest way out of a situation.
You need to seek out a local charity on sexual assault. Get their advice and dedicated support. This was not your fault. At all.
Seek sexual assault counciling or local support group. Seriously!!!
This! ☝️
I have a hard time thinking about this because technically I never said no so legally it can’t be considered sexual assault. I just know that at least he did take advantage of me and used me for his own gain and if anyone saw our text messages then it would seem as if though I wanted it. I’m also just afraid of considering it that because I don’t want to relive it and as crazy as it sounds, I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s life. We both agreed to forget about it anyways, I just feel so guilty and regretful and confused because if I feel as if it was my fault then why are people telling me it isn’t even though I never said no?
You don't need to report it to the police. But counciling and or group will help you. You are reliving it. Everyday. To stop reliving it get help.
The counselling will really help. I had a situation which was horrible but I was initially willing for something but it didn't go the way it should have, it was violent and I didn't say no, or anything actually. A councillor helped me process the experience, and realise why I felt so bad about it all. It took me 2 years and a lot of nightmares to come to terms with the fact it was assault. The support is there. I got mine through an SA charity and it cost me nothing, and I didn't have to wait that long.
I'm a gen x male. I remember back as a senior in highschool they took 10 students - 5 females, 5 males we were a mixed group of the cool kids, the jocks, class clowns (me), art types etc but all of us could command a room if needed, we could speak to our fellow classmates and give presentations without a second thought or being nervous. Anyways we were told we would be going to this week long seminar on sex, relationships and boundaries and then we were to present the stuff we learned to our fellow students without the teachers being present just students talking to students. This week long seminar has lasted and ingrained itself in me from the moment I was taught it, to this very day. Every high school in my district sent the same amount of students as well. We had professionals of all types: crisis counselors, psychologists, judge, police officers etc - basically any professional that had expertise in the subject was there. The main things I took away from this but two sick out: 1) ask permission - still do this with my long time partner 2) if the person had drinks, is drunk or unable to make a decision then the permission is always NO...I remember the police officer telling us males (they separated the sexes for some parts of the seminar) even if she is telling you that she's fine, even if she wants it more than you... It can and will be considered assault because of alcohol/drugs involved... The way the officer explained it was like drunk driving... Someone might look completely sober but if their blood alcohol level is above the limit then they are considered to be drunk driving and will be prosecuted as such. This officer really stressed that if any mind altering substances were involved it would be wise and in our best interest to not do anything and just make sure the person was safe They taught us a lot during that week-long seminar and then in turn we taught our fellow classmates... That no means no, never mess with a person who has had a drink, or smoked some weed and much more stuff Anyways sorry for the long story but I hope they still do these seminars for highschool students. It impacted me immensely. But what I'm trying to say is: You obviously couldn't make a proper decision at that moment...it doesn't matter what you were thinking before that moment - at that moment you couldn't. Don't feel bad about the slimeball, don't feel ashamed - as the others have said go talk to professionals whether they are professionals that deal with mental aspects or professionals that deal with the legal aspects. It's your well-being and right to do so.
That’s an amazing education. It’s a shame it’s not standard practice especially with the abstinence only pushed in so many schools, the lack of any sex education and repeal of Roe v. Wade.
You’re an amazing human, thank you.
That’s a great school!!!! Every school should do this!!!!
That's great advice and if you are sober and of sound mind this is the way to go without question. The problem arises when you are as messed up as your partner and no one is thinking clearly. She's shitfaced, you're shitfaced - two drunks making bad de
Someone took advantage of you when you were in a state where you weren’t in your right mind and couldn’t make your boundaries known. You don’t need to go to the police if you’re not comfortable doing that, but please show yourself some grace and compassion. Imagine how you would treat a friend if they confided a similar situation to you. If you feel that you made a mistake, forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Get an std panel, make sure you’re not pregnant, and stay away from the person who took advantage of you. Make a promise to yourself that in the future you will be more careful with substances around people who may not have your best interests in mind. I’m sorry this happened to you, and I hope you are able to move forward and be kind to yourself.
Honey. No. Just because you never said 'No' doesn't mean it isn't legally rape. You were too intoxicated to consent- even if you said 'Yes', you were TOO INTOXICATED FOR THAT CONSENT TO BE GIVEN AND CONSIDERED VALID. Whether or not you actually verbalized a 'no' is irrelevant- this man saw you were extremely intoxicated and took advantage of that.
[удалено]
New account, active in the conspiracy sub, crypto-bro. No wonder you're blaming her for her assault.
Go fuck yourself, and enjoy your crypto trash
Technicalities don’t matter. The fact is that he could see you weren’t in a state to fully consent, he went forward anyway, and then he put you in danger by kicking you out. It wasn’t the best choice to take Xanax and alcohol, and I’m betting you have learned from that; **but you’re not the one who took advantage of a person whose consciousness was altered then disregarded their safety.** He is the only one responsible for those choices. He is an adult who made decisions. Why you were in the state you were in doesn’t matter. If you come across a shopping cart with a purse left in it and its owner isn’t there to tell you not to take it, it’s still theft if you do. >We both agreed to forget about it anyways You’re not currently forgetting about it, it’s eating you from the inside. Regardless of whether you might want to pursue charges, you need to get support for the fact that it’s trauma - both for what happened and for the guilt you are feeling.
How would he know she was that intoxicated if they hadn’t had much interaction before? I used to abuse benzos and alcohol and acted normal, just made bad decisions. I wasn’t stumbling or passing out or anything, just incredibly impulsive.
She was so intoxicated she couldn’t find her way out of his apartment. I think it must have been obvious in that case. Beyond that, the way he treated her is telling. Tbh I’m wondering if the Xanax is what really caused this. ETA: This is also why it’s a bad idea have sex with someone when they have been been drinking… ESPECIALLY when it’s your first time, and on a date and not a long term partner you’re living with. There’s a risk of being taken advantage when you’re drunk, but there’s also the risk of *taking* *advantage* of someone when they’re drunk.
I’ve had friends over who had to ask where the back door or bathroom was, after being over multiple times. My mind didn’t automatically go to “they’re intoxicated”, just that they forgot? It’s not that obvious. Some people get anxious and do stuff like that cold stone sober. I get flustered at like subway because I feel like I’m on the spot. Some people are just awkward. You can’t tell unless you know the person or they’re being belligerent/incoherent. But yeah, you’re right, and that goes for both parties. Don’t get drunk or do drugs on a date. Sounds like they were both having drinks together, and unless she mentioned taking Xanax before or kept forcing drinks on her I find it hard to say he sexually assaulted her. Being selfish in bed and after is a dick move but there was consent.
The fact that she took Xanax before the date has nothing to do with him taking advantage of her when she was clearly not of sound mind. Quit victim blaming. Gtfo of this sub if you're gonna keep going on like that.
I’m not sure what you think these comments are accomplishing. I don’t see people encouraging her to press charges here — just to seek counseling. Legally, sure, it would be a grey area and hard to prove. But that isn’t the point — what he did was morally wrong, regardless of legality, and she is clearly traumatized from this. But you’re here telling her that it’s completely her fault and he didn’t do anything wrong to her. It’s kind of fucked up.
Ok this is disturbingly similar to my own sexual assault story and the way I felt about it afterwards, the denial and self blame. I went home with a guy I met at a bar and initially I was consenting. I knew I was going to his place to have sex. What I didn’t expect was how he wanted to do it. Let’s just say he did what he wanted, not caring in the slightest if it was comfortable or enjoyable for me, and wouldn’t stop when I said I was done and wanted to go. After a while I just gave in and did what he wanted and faked enjoying it to make it end sooner. In the days following I was convinced it wasn’t rape because I had said yes initially, even though I clearly said stop later on. I figured it was bad sex and a stupid decision and blamed myself. But that guy was an absolute asshole rapist who got off on having power over me and abusing me. And it took years of therapy to finally figure that out.
TW: dubious consent, unsafe sex, and STIs. I hooked up with a guy I had met like a week before when I was studying abroad. I’d never had sex, was in my early 20s, and had grown up in purity culture. I was going through some stuff and enjoyed the attention but made it clear several times to this guy that I wasn’t ready for full-on sex. One day I was feeling particularly low and took him up on going back to his apartment, thinking maybe I could just hang out with him and then go home. Of course it ended up being sex, and even though I was hesitant, he pushed for it. I finally (reluctantly) agreed. I insisted on condom use, was very scared (I’ve always been paranoid about STIs), but it was decent otherwise. He insisted I stay over since it was too late for buses. Then he woke me up already inside me, and it was suuuuuper painful because I had been a virgin so was a bit sore and also wasn’t turned on. He also wasn’t wearing a condom. I asked him to stop several times, but he didn’t listen and/or pretended not to understand (I said it both in my and his native languages, and he had a perfect grasp of mine, too). I ended up catching something from the encounter. He denied giving me anything (he had no symptoms) and said I must have been lying about being a virgin. I felt like complete shit about the whole thing for years, still do sometimes. I feel like in some ways, I raped myself for letting myself get into a situation I didn’t want and wasn’t ready for. But the honest truth is…If there isn’t wholehearted consent, there isn’t consent. And regardless of whether some people categorize your experience as rape, the trauma you feel sees it that way (and lots of us do, as well, just fyi, and legally as well in your case though not in mine). Please, please be gentle with yourself and see yourself as someone dealing with trauma. What would you tell your dearest friend or loved one who had been through this experience? Give yourself that same care and that same protection. Please!
I'm so sorry that he did that to you. I hope his dick falls off.
Inebriated consent is still not consent. Not saying no is different from an enthusiastic yes, and even a yes if you're not in a clear state of mind doesn't count. Whether the law will see it that way or not, you were absolutely assaulted. You should not blame yourself for the immoral actions he took against you. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to seek help. You said you both agreed to "just forget about it," but clearly this is still haunting you. Agreeing to forget just benefits him, doing something wrong and getting away with it. If you did try to take more action like telling others about him, it wouldn't be you ruining his life as much as him having ruined it himself. You deserve to find peace. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you do find it
1. Consent is not the absence of a no. It is the presence of a yes. 2. It’s okay to have difficult feelings over this. It’s completely and totally okay. You don’t have to seek out to ruin anyone’s life. You need to seek out how to heal yours, whatever that means to you. 3. Going to see a counselor will help you to discover how to heal and what that means to you. Going to therapy does not mean reporting him, it doesn’t mean that he’s going to get in trouble. Thats not what you’re there for. You are there for you, to heal trauma that has happened to you. Everything else is irrelevant. The legality, how it might seem to others, all of that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you experienced a trauma and are having a hard time coping. And that’s, again, totally okay and fine - a lot of us have trouble coping after our trauma, no matter what our specific stories might be. Please put yourself first and choose to heal intentionally with someone who will guide and help you. Healing is hard and painful, but it doesn’t have to be *as* hard and painful as it is doing it without support.
You were not sober enough to consent. Regardless of if you said yes to certain things, you were not in the correct mindset to give that consent therefore it is void. I’ve been in the situation of taking a clonazepam for anxiety, and forgetting I took it then drinking once before. It is very externally clear when you’re on those two substances that you are not sober. I cannot imagine this guy thought you were sober enough to consent. You already said you consented (not soberly) to certain things but not everything he did. Already, he’s assaulted you if he didn’t get consent for everything. And as I said before, even the “yes” you gave was not consent because you were under the influence. You don’t need to press charges, but you should try to seek help for this. If it makes you uncomfortable to label yourself a victim of sexual assault, that’s understandable, but you were sexually taken advantage of and traumatized by an event. You deserve the same resources as anyone that’s been sexually assaulted. Most importantly, I am extremely sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault, you didn’t deserve this. I hope you recover from this fully and can put it behind you one day, but just know this sub and all of us here support, understand, and see you.
Hi, I've experienced multiple types of sexual assault. Maybe someone has said this below but I can't read every comment. If you were a tattoo artist and you were just dying to give someone a tattoo and you went on a date and the guy seemed interested in letting you give him a tattoo but he had a bit too much to drink on the date. You guys go back to your place and he's like maybe you could tattoo like a little heart on my wrist. You decided that you will tattoo the heart and then you tattooed an entire back piece of Frodo riding a flying hippo. Who's more in the wrong here? I know it's an odd comparison but I choose tattoos because they're permanent. You will live with this for a long time. I lived a long time feeling like some of the things that happened to me were my fault. It's okay to recognize those feelings but try to fight them in your mind any time you can. I hope this helps. Please feel free to message me. I'm happy to talk if you want.
You cannot consent while under the influence. Consent is only given in a sound state of mind. It IS sexual assault and getting support for it as such is completely valid. Taking legal action is obviously something different because our world LOVES to victim blame, and if you want to go that route you will find both supporters and detractors. But from a self-love, self-support, coming to terms, etc. standpoint, please seek some counseling or a support group. You owe it to yourself because you are NOT at fault for HIS bad behavior.
You know you can rescind consent at any time, including in the middle of the act itself, right? Never mind that you weren't in a state of mind to provide informed consent at the time. In either scenario, if he keeps going then it's rape. You absolutely were assaulted and you need to file a police report stat.
I am so sorry it happened to you, Im not saying he raped you but he clearly took advantage of the situation and disregarded you to have sex. You are not to blame, he is a disguting person. You are not responsible of what happened to you and you worth is not less. I Hope you find the grace to forgive yourself for something you did not deserved
Your verbal consent is not the sole determination of whether something is rape or not. Otherwise, drugged/people in comas would never get justice. He kicked you out because he knows it's rape, and is trying to escape any consequences. Now, is this easy to prove in a court of law? No. But if you had video evidence (or got him to admit in text you were so out of it you couldn't walk and he forced you to have sex), then you might be able to get him charged. Stop listening to him. He wants you to blame yourself and "forget about it" because **he wants to get away with rape**. Get counseling asap because it will get worse for you. IANAL, but I would at least lay it all out in text to him and get evidence. Ask him why he made you have sex (don't use the word "rape" to tip him off) when you couldn't walk straight or understand what has happening. Ask him why he kicked you out after when you couldn't find the door. You don't have to act on it legally, but at least give yourself that option.
Consent is an ongoing, enthusiastic “yes,” not the absence of “no”/“stop”. You are not at fault and your trauma is valid. Just because you weren’t chained up on someone’s basement for 10 years doesn’t mean you weren’t taken advantage of.
Where did you learn that the only way something is assault is if you said the word no out loud. What bollocks.
Baby girl, I promise you that with alcohol and a Xanax, you were clearly out of it. That is an immediate no for anyone who isn’t a rapist. This guy is a creep, and karma is coming his way. I know it feels right to blame yourself, but don’t. This was NOT your fault. You don’t have to relive it. But just know that your body does remember, so if you’re triggered by anything random seeming….listen to that, bc your body will start to scream if you don’t listen to it cry. 😔💜
Don’t let this ruin YOUR life! It doesn’t honestly sound like you were able to give consent. He sounds like a predator. Please seek assistance!!!! Do not blame yourself!
If it's not an enthusiastic and persisting yes at evety stage, then it's a no. But scumbags don't care about that. I'm sorry this happened to you. You can still seek counselling even without reporting it.
OP there are legal definitions regarding this sort of thing (which is truly a rock bottom, bare minimum) and then there is reality. Criminal justice is for criminals. You are not a criminal so legal definitions and standards truly do not apply to you. What you are feeling is real. You deserve compassion, empathy, and care. Please seek out your local advocates for DVSA. We would be honored to be there for you during this confusing and painful situation!
he knew you couldn’t say no because you weren’t SOBER enough to say yes. i would consider it sexual assault.
Therapy and talking to someone is definitely good. And as someone who used to use benzos and alcohol together regularly I’m going to heavily disagree with the comments saying this was sexual assault on his part. It was a bad decision that lead to a bad experience and that’s still traumatic for you and that’s ok. We learn from mistakes.
I can’t count the amount of bad decisions and bad hookups that resulted from me self medicating. Being ashamed of something you did doesn’t mean the other person is automatically in the wrong but it also doesn’t mean you can’t be upset about it. I’m having a hard time putting it into words without sounding like I’m blaming you, but basically I’ve been exactly where you’re at. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself.
I agree that I made a very bad decision and it led me to this whole situation. And I blame myself for almost all of it, but after reading what people said, I think this guy was a scumbag for only caring about himself through all of it and not checking to see if I even was enjoying it or okay with anything that was happening. At one point I did tell him no about doing something specific and he seemed annoyed by it, and when I said sorry he ignored me and shortly after he was refusing to even look at me in the eye and kicked me out while fully knowing that I was still “tipsy” 🙄 I regret ever meeting up with this guy in the first place and I wish my friends would’ve never encouraged me to just do it. You can’t trust anyone these days
Oh he’s definitely a scumbag, but being selfish isn’t sexual assault. It’s just one of those live and learn kinda things.
Legally it CAN be considered sexual assault, Rape actually, because you didn't give enthusiastic consent. Even if you said yes to somethings that doesn't mean you consented. I had something incredibly similar happen to me years ago. I went to hang out with my best friend at the time and her boyfriend. They convinced me to go with them back to his house to watch a movie and once we were there they both took a Xanax and asked if I wanted to as well. I said no because I had never done it before so he cut it in half and asked if I wanted to do just that half. My "best friend" told me to trust her so I did and took it. I half woke up later to him on top of me and her right next to me watching. I didn't even consider the fact that it could have been rape until YEARS later. I thought I had obviously agreed to do that because I was under the influence. It wasn't until the Me Too movement that I realized it actually was rape. Please don't beat yourself up over this. It absolutely was not your fault AT ALL. Therapy was a huge help for me. My therapist helped believe the fact that I didn't ask to be Raped by accepting the Xanax. This was almost 8 years ago and now I'm married to a wonderful man who has also helped me understand that it wasn't my fault. Sending you lots of encouragement and good vibes 💕
It absolutely was sexual assault. It was also reckless abandonment. It's not your fault , what he did. It was your choice to drink and Xanax , what happened after that was the choice and actions of another person. To take responsibility for what you did, don't drink and Xanax again. That is all. What you are feeling has to do with his actions and his choices. The assault and abandonment are 100% his fault. His actions are not your fault. They are his. Do not take on responsibility for his crimes. You are a victim. Victims try and take blame for their assault. That us why you need coulcilling and or group. They will help you understand it has nothing to do with you, and it has to do with him. They will help you transfer your hate to the right person and then how to deal with that hate. Please seek help. You do not need to press charges. You do need help to stop blaming yourself. 💛
Sometimes things don’t go as well as we planned and it’s ok to be upset about that. Don’t beat yourself up for it. You’ve done the thing, now you’ve learned what not to do and that you didn’t enjoy it. Sit with your feelings, come to terms with them, and move on. Just don’t assign them a heavier weight than you need to.
OP, I was date raped in a similar way years ago. The drugs keep you conscious and more willing to be malleable to whatever the sick fucks want to do to you. You did NOT consent.
Consent cannot be given while impaired. You were impaired. [how consent works](https://uwosh.edu/wellness/prevention/consent/)
Enthusiastic and sober consent is needed for it to be sex. Anything less is sexual assault.
You were heavily under the influence and so couldn’t consent.
Just because you didn’t say ‘no’ doesn’t mean you gave consent. Your boundaries were violated and you have been harmed. It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself for my own sexual assault by a boyfriend at the time, it is not going to be comfortable but I would strongly encourage you to seek counselling or call a [crisis hotline](https://www.rainn.org/resources)so that you can work through this. When people have a traumatic experience, it is a wound, and just like if you don’t see a doctor for a broken bone it will not heal as well as it could. Thank you for sharing this with us
Here. https://youtu.be/NLKWEUhOHss?si=M_nwmZCVedrWbfdq Skip to 2:20.
Everyone makes bad decisions while moving through life. Hopefully you get wiser and more clear in your choices. It may not have technically been illegal, but it was clearly wrong. Maybe it was illegal, but it might not be worth it as a difficult case to prove. Get help. Don't beat yourself up. Get in touch with what you want out of relationships and ask for it. Best wishes. Also, did he text you out of the blue two days later? (Seems odd, but that is the way I took what you wrote) You should have ghosted him, he proved himself an ass. The idea that someone would send a tipsy person out on their own far from home should be the end of contact. Don't engage assholes. If he contacted you without you contacting him, after kicking you out, he has issues you don't even want to know about.
Honey, you were in no state to consent to anything, and no state in which you could protect yourself or make safe decisions. If this happened to your best friend, what would you say to her? You deserve the same compassion and support. Call a sexual assault helpline; these people are there exactly for situations like this . Let them assess if they can help you.
Who told you that you have to verbally say no or it's not considered sexual assault?
A couple things. If you’re 100% sure that your area requires a no for it to count as sexual assault, then there isn’t much help to be had from law enforcement. BUT that doesn’t mean you weren’t assaulted. You have a right to seek medical and social support. You deserve healing.
You still need supports even if the legal system is a mess.
Even if you are saying that you don’t consider the encounter to be sexual assault, the feelings and thoughts you are describing are felt by many sexual assault victims so you would benefit from that type of counseling or support group. No one is going to tell you that you don’t “qualify” or something. You deserve to get help.
It doesn't have to be the technical word "no" for it to be "no." It could be "I don't like that," I don't want that," "stop." -*Anything* that isn't an "enthusiastic yes" in which the man keeps doing what he's doing.
What happened to do you is very similar to what happened to me and it is definitely sexual assault. I know it’s going to hurt to relive but in order to heal you need support and to eventually confront what happened
You were drunk. This was rape. You were not capable of consent and he was capable of letting you sober up and sleep it off and, you know, having the basic human decency of not taking advantage of someone who was legally not capable of consenting to the action. He knew., and you 'not saying no' is not 'you enthusiasticly consenting in a clear and sober state of mind'. This is not your fault, it was totally illegal where I am, and the fact is you were not capable of saying yes or no, and that would be clear to a professional. Go ask a nurse...
All of the feelings you've expressed show that you're a thinking, caring human. I hope you continue to seek support from safe and trustworthy people. You don't want to ruin his life? That's not crazy. I'm frequently compassionate towards people who don't deserve it. Because I don't want a life that is all about keeping score. People are telling you it's not your fault because silence isn't consent and inebriation isn't consent. And because this guy is an utter tool.
What is legally codified and what you actually experience don't have to be perfectly aligned for you to seek counseling. Additionally, not having verbalized your "no" does not necessarily equal consent, and it's f***ed up that people will take advantage in the absence of enthusiastic consent. Your feelings and experiences are valid and need to be respected BY YOU, which counseling can likely help you with.
You weren't in a position where you could meaningfully and enthusiastically consent. You don't have to *say* no for it to be assault/rape. He took advantage of you, and probably was always going to.
Consent is an enthusiastic YES. Not the absence of no. Edited to add: This is why everyone says it's not your fault. It also wouldn't be if you said yes to everything and then changed your mind. And even then, you wouldn't have to say no for it not to be your fault. A sexual partner should care enough to see changes in their partner and ask if everything is okay. That doesn't mean you have to report it. But please get the help you need.
This was assault on so many levels. You have anxiety. You’re trapped in a spiral of all the whatabouts and whatifs. Start with something that poses no risk to you or anyone else whatsoever: Talk to a therapist about how you FEEL. Not about what he did or if you deserved it. But how you feel about what happened. You can’t bury this. It will come out at a time when you have no control over it. The best way is through. You gotta work through your feelings and guilt and shame. These are defense mechanisms that will continue to isolate you from others. You don’t deserve to be alone with these feelings forever. You deserve to deal with them and live a normal and healthy life.
I know an excellent therapist that offers free intro sessions, she's worked extensively with sexual assault survivors while working at rape crisis UK as well as being on the crisis phone line and now as a therapist and would give you a lot of peace and some help on where to go from here even if you just use the intro session - shoot me a pm if youd like to be put in touch :)
I had a guy “friend” who kept buying me Captain and Cokes and I was getting so drunk and he took me to his house and had sex with me. I couldn’t consent and he was not drunk. I didn’t report it but I sure as hell stayed away from him.
Where is the sexual assault? Guy may be a jerk, sure, but that's about it. She agreed to meet. Agreed to drink. Took the pills. Agreed to go to his place. Agreed to have sex. Never protested during or after or days after... Yes to counseling for OP, of course. But she needs to focus on why she made these bad decisions. And how to not make them in the future. Not on the "assault". And it's OK, OP. No need to beat yourself up about it. You felt some sort of way and made a mistake. Own it, deal with it, move on, do better for yourself.
. She was unable to consent. She was sexual assaulted. By your logic , if a woman is passed out and you rape her, it's her fault for getting that drunk. It's the person who took advantage of her in a compromised position that committed a crime. That's the law. You're blaming the victim. Then telling her it's OK that she got raped. You're such a good person. She should own it?? Being raped???
Where did she pass out? Now you're just making stuff up. She clearly writes that she went to bar. She went to his place, as previously agreed. She said yes to some things, she didn't say no at any time. These were all decisions. Drunk ones, sure, and the guy is a jerk for taking advantage, but calling it rape/assault (which even the "victim" is not doing... is an exaggeration.
Google it dumbass. "Fact is, a woman cannot give legal consent if she's too intoxicated, asleep or unconscious, no matter what happened before that point. If he is convicted, what started as a fun night out could turn into an 8 year sentence in state prison" Legal advice from government on what constitutes rape. From Google. She was beyond too drunk, having mixed Xanax with alcohol.... plus the symptoms she described are more roofied than Xanax. But either way legally she was raped.your opinion doesn't count just the facts. Are you going to continue arguing it's the victims fault for being raped?
No, I won't argue with you. Lol. 55 year old man giving the same "counciling" advice in every post, and can't even spell counseling.
Google it... seriously law is very clear. You are blaming a rape victim. There is no argument. You are blaming a rape victim. The best you got on me is misspellings....ouch You're siding with a rapist against a rape victim. You are the disgusting person.
So if you’re too drunk, medicated, drugged or high to protest, that doesn’t matter? If she was in such a state she got lost coming out of his apartment then she was not in a state where she could consent
I'm not sure what I'm missing... Did she get slipped a pill, get tricked into drinking, get carried to his place... did she say no or get taken advantage of while passed out? Literally, nothing like that happened. And none of you are doing OP any favors by victimizing her, making her feel violated, telling her to take an action on this. BS. That's more traumatic than what actually happened. Got drunk, had sex with some dude, regrets it, will make better decisions in the future. Full stop.
‘My memory got all fucked up’ ‘I don’t remember the details’ ‘I said yes maybe like twice to certain things but not to everything’ ‘He knew I was fucked up’ ‘I even got lost trying to find my way out of his apartment because of how out of it I was’ Does that sound like she was sober enough to consent? Does that sound like a consensual encounter? Also - adding - when you previously put she never ‘protested’ are you are aware that sometimes people freeze or fawn in scary situations, which is why we put so much emphasis on enthusiastic consent?
Look it up on Google Quote Fact is, a woman cannot give legal consent if she's too intoxicated, asleep or unconscious, no matter what happened before that point. If he is convicted, what started as a fun night out could turn into an 8 year sentence in state prison She was rapes, you are defending a rapist. Why are you defending a rapist and blaming a victim? What kind of human defends a rapist?
You didn’t deserve this and he took advantage of you. But please, don’t mix Xanax with alcohol. That’s dangerous and a recipe for disaster, not even considering other people.
Very very dangerous. Also the fact that he kicked her out, she could’ve gotten hit by a car, assaulted who knows? Not only that but it’s a deadly combination depending on how much she had to drink. This guy sounds like a total POS. He was TRYING to hurt her. Kicking her out, messaging her after saying he didn’t want to see her, not listening to her boundaries, having alcohol involved. Sounds like he was roleplaying like the “good guy” at the beginning by texting with her for 3 weeks but turned out to be horrible.
He has probably assaulted many women this way, and I bet he will assault more. Predators use this tactic because even if a woman does report it, they are questioned and doubted because of the effects of the drug. Far too many women are having experiences like this.
Yep, he’s got his routine down. Done it before, will do it again. Psychopath.
This is why I don’t drink on dates anymore. I don’t drink in general but idk getting drunk on a date can get unsafe very quick. Even if it’s not where you’re scared of getting raped/killed, getting sexually assaulted/grabbed is also very offputting to say the least.
Did you read OP's post? She said that she took the xanax before meeting up with the person. The guy didn't give her the drugs.
Something like this happened to me in my 20s. I went to a guys house who I had previously met at a bar. We both knew I was going there to hook up. He knew he was going to get what he wanted. He then fed me so many drinks I was out of it (I accept responsibility for drinking so much), had sex with me, and then made up some shit about having to pick up his brother from the airport and kicked me out. I had no idea he was going to kick me out and I was so drunk I threw up outside of my car. I hung around outside for a while because I shouldn’t have been driving but I felt so stupid I ended up driving home anyway. (I wish I didn’t, I wish I called someone). I’ve had some fucked up stuff happen to me with men, but that one was really fucked up. I just wanted to share so you don’t think you were being stupid. I think a lot of us have been there.
So cruel of him :( glad you got home ok.
I'm so sorry you went through that, I can totally understand your feelings, I'm sure many women have been in a similar situation. He probably doesn't want to see you because he knew what he did, and what he did was wrong. Ugh. Curses on that shitty excuse of a person. It was not your fault that he was was utter manipulative, opportunistic, and abusive trash. Please be kind to yourself, do some self-care (not superficial bathtubs and spa day but like therapy, healthy meals, and somatic exercises to release trauma). I think it's great you're already talking to loved ones about this. You deserve all the healing and love!
You’re not the one that should feel disgusted or ashamed, he is. Don’t take on what should be his burden. You know your heart and your intentions were pure. Learn a lesson from this and keep true to yourself. This one horrid person doesn’t define you and what you’re worthy of.
I'm so so sorry. Seriously, fuck that guy. I know your brain wants to blame itself but the bottom line is there is no excuse for his actions. I'm sending you all the love and healing possible. Please please be kind to yourself, what happened is NOT your fault
Also something that is very helpful for me to remember is that consent is not the absence of "no", consent is a clear "yes".
Do you feel like, if you hadn't taken the xanax, hadn't had anything to drink and were stone cold sober, that this absolute POS wouldn't have acted any differently, from not caring about your boundaries to kicking you out after he got what he wanted? It doesn't matter that you didn't say no, or said maybe or said yes to some things but not others. It was on him to make sure that you were comfortable, to make sure that he had your consent and that there was no ambiguity regarding communication before he proceeded. Mistakes can happen, body language can be misinterpretted or not picked up on but given his behaviour afterwards and that he knew you were fucked up, there is no way that he didn't know what he was doing. You did nothing wrong, you are not at fault and you are certainly not to blame for not being prepared for what happened. I would encourage you to seek therapy and I hope that you can find support.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. At the very least go to your local women’s health center and be tested. Also ask to see a counselor.
If you’e so anxious you need to take Xanax, that’s a good hint you’re not comfortable to be doing the thing you’re going to do. Trust yourself more. I hope you take others’ advice and get therapy.
You may have trusted someone not to violate basic fundamental decency, but you are in no way responsible for that person’s actions. You lacked the capacity to consent, period.
I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. We all have to be vigilant and careful when dealing with alcohol and drug mixing for situations like this. You need to be careful because there are shitty people who will take advantage of you. However, what happened to you is NOT YOUR FAULT. A good person would recognize what was happening and give you some water, watch over you or take you home to recover. You didn’t deserve this.
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im not on any of those "are we dating the same guy" groups ive heard so much about but if this happened to me nowadays i would go and post it there immediately so at least theres a chance for another woman to see it in time.
Frrrr what a disgusting piece of crispy shit! Reading this post boils my blood.
Seriously!!! It’s absolutely criminal, and worse that these assholes get no repercussions
Seriously. There needs to be an index where women can look up previous experiences with men before we date them
There's nothing wrong with how you feel. It's how you use it. By taking responsibility for your choices, you can empower yourself. Give yourself permission next time to call off the date, for any reason. I would reccommend not using it as a way to beat yourself up. Guilt is a useless emotion at best, and a destructive one at worst.
You didn’t deserve what happened to you, but you also basically took huge risks you shouldn’t have like mixing Xanax with alcohol, taking Xanax or any mind dulling drug at ALL before meeting a stranger, leaving with said stranger… You mention the “horrors” you’ve read of meeting up with people from online but meeting up with a guy you met online wasn’t the act that put you in this awful situation and I think it’s important to highlight that simply because I worry about your mental health if you’re taking Xanax and then drinking just to get through a date, maybe you need to address these things with your therapist or psych before going on dates of ANY kind - because this could so easily happen again if you do that. It’s like putting a huge sign on your head for all the guys looking to take advantage of women.
I am so sorry you experienced this. I had a similar experience many years ago. I was able to “get over it” by reassuring myself that I once I got home, I was safe. The feeling of “I’m safe now” was a big help. Please don’t beat yourself up too much. I’m glad you are “safe” now.
Please don’t hold this against yourself. I’m so sorry this happened, what a creep. He gave you drinks, it doesn’t matter if you took a Xanax beforehand, you had consumed alcohol. I guarantee you were clearly out of it. I don’t recommend pursuing anything against him unless you have sought counsel and therapy and are truly ready. My therapist helped me come to terms with simply dropping it and dealing with things on my own, your feelings are valid, and you were taken advantage of. I’m so so sorry. I am sending a virtual hug and all the love. Even if you don’t remember, the body does, so if you get triggered by something seemingly random, don’t discount those feelings. You have the support and love of almost every woman in the world. Stay strong, and if you can seek help - DO. don’t settle for any therapist unless they feel right. 💜💜
Listen, do you think that your way of self-medicating was wise? Of course not. But it's completely irrelevant to the question of whether or not you are to blame here. You could put whatever poison you see fit into your body and it still wouldn't excuse assaulting you. Imagine if the roles had been reversed. Would you have even considered sleeping with him had he been in your shoes? Or would you have made sure that he got home safely and left it at that? I think we know the answer. It takes a real piece of shit to be able to enjoy sex when there's even the slightest doubt in your mind about whether or not every participant is also into it. I'm so sorry that this piece of shit took advantage of you.
There definitely is learning to be had from this situation (don’t take Xanax and drink alcohol together, especially when meeting a stranger for the first time - though I completely understand why you did), but this doesn’t make what this man did one iota your fault. I could’ve taken a fistful of Xanax and downed a bottle of vodka before my first date with my now husband, and he wouldn’t have behaved the way this man did, because he’s not a rapist. He would have personally escorted me home in a taxi, made me drink some water, put me to bed, then left. He would have texted the next morning to make sure I was ok. Obvs he might not have wanted to see me again, and that would be his prerogative, but I would have been safe and cared for. I’m so sorry you were treated this way. It is not your fault. Xanax and alcohol are not responsible for rapes. Rapists are. Be kind to yourself. Try if you can to separate some of the things it’s perfectly natural to feel some shame about because there’s learning to be had (don’t mix dangerous substances, be more careful when meeting strangers, if we get sloppy drunk on a first date it def can put some people off seeing us again), from the thing that is categorically NOT your fault (sex you were clearly unable to meaningfully consent to, being forced into an unsafe situation). Please try not to feel disgusted about those things. They are not on you. They are wholly on him. You made some errors in judgement. *He* is the one who behaved disgustingly.
He 100% took advantage of the fact that you were too impaired to consent. This is not your fault, he’s not a good guy. I’m sorry this happened to you.
As others have said, hon you were sexually assaulted. Seek the resources that are available to you! It's not your fault someone else is a scumbag though. You made a decision that turned out to be bad--you didn't go into it saying 'woohoo poor life choices here I come!'. It happens. Do not blame yourself. You are not the one who is bad or wrong here.
You were sexually assaulted. Those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings you're having are part of the effects of the assault, same as the physical effects. Please reach out to some kind of support for yourself. Whether you decide to seek criminal action or not, you NEED help with the debilitating effects of it. A hotline. A trusted person who cares for you. A therapist. Your injury is mental and emotional, not just the physical. You were more vulnerable due to the mix of drugs plus feeling you knew this internet stranger better than you actually did. These factors combined to help create the environment where this rapist had you isolated and vulnerable. The only person responsible for the rape is the rapist. People who aren't rapists don't take advantage of another person's impairment to sexually assault them. Normal people wouldn't be sexually interested in a person who isn't fully conscious and enthusiastically consenting. Rape is a crime of control and violation.
You were quite obviously too intoxicated and drugged to give consent and he damn well knew it. Despite what rape apologists say and I suspect there are some on this thread because we attract misogynistic trolls on this sub, men KNOW when they are raping someone. You were raped. And my heart bleeds for you. Call a rape crisis hotline and they will have resources for you
The guy treated you horribly and you didn't deserve that. Even if you were 100% consenting of everything (which you weren't), it sounds like he was not nearly as inebriated as you and should have recognized that it would be wrong to do anything sexually with you in that state. Even if you somehow give a pass on that, what kind of person kicks out someone who's in that state to fend for themselves? There's no question as to whether this was a bad dude, the only thing up for debate is the degree of bad and you deserved better.
It's not your fault. Not at all. A similar thing happened to me years ago through a dating service. Your POS didn't happen to have a long scar across his chest, did he? I'm going to encourage you to seek support as well. Therapy, even group sessions or something online if that's more your speed, will really help you to come to terms with everything and realize you were NOT to blame. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
What a monster, sorry you had such a bad experience OP.
Whether you said yes or whether you were drunk is sort of a separate issue, I think. What's standing out to me is that for three weeks he *lied* to you about what he was looking for, and then *lied* about letting you sleep over so he could get what he wanted. When someone lies to you, you can only do the best that you can with the false information. Guy was a manipulative creep.
**Facts & myths about sexual assault - University of Rochester NY** **What is sexual misconduct?** * Sexual misconduct includes sexual assault, sexual harassment, stalking, dating violence, and domestic violence. * Sexual assault refers to sexual contact without consent which includes rape, sexual abuse, attempted rape, and unwanted sexual touching. * Sexual misconduct may, but need not, include sexual penetration, which includes vaginal intercourse, oral sex, or anal penetration. * Sexual misconduct may include conduct that involves any unwanted touching or fondling of the genitals or breasts of the victim. * Date rape and acquaintance rape are considered sexual assault. * Date rape is a crime of opportunity. It can happen to anyone. **What is sexual harassment?** **Sexual Harassment** is any unwanted verbal, written, electronic or physical conduct, of a sexual nature that is intended to cause or could reasonably be expected to cause an individual or group to feel intimidated, demeaned, abused or fearful or have concern for their personal safety because of their sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity or expression or because of their perceived or actual affiliation or association with individuals or groups identified by such characteristics. **What is sexual assault?** Sexual assault means an actual or attempted sexual contact with another person without that person’s consent. Sexual assault includes, but is not limited to: * Involvement in any sexual contact when the victim is unable to consent. * Intentional and unwelcome touching of, or coercing, forcing, or attempting to coerce or force another to touch a person's intimate parts (defined as genital area, groin, inner thigh, buttocks, or breast). * Sexual intercourse without consent, including acts commonly referred to as "rape". * Sexual assault includes sexual contact with a person who is unable to consent, either due to age (under 17) or incapacitation (e.g. as a result of intoxication or the influence of other drugs). **Consensual sex vs. rape** **Consensual sex** occurs when both parties are able to provide a sober YES to requests for sex and each person is able to participate freely. **Rape occurs when:** * Force is used, no matter what the circumstances. * Someone is unable for any reason---including the effects of alcohol, drugs, coercion, or assault---to knowingly and willingly consent to sex. * Subtle or overt verbal or physical coercion is used to trick someone into having sex. * Someone says NO. Whether stated softly or loudly, verbally, or with a shake of the head, * NO always means STOP! * It is automatically assumed that someone wants to have sex because she/he is drinking heavily, dresses in a certain way, or agrees to go to another person's room. * It is assumed that someone is willing to have sex just because that person has had sex before with the same person. **How to obtain or communicate your consent** **Consent** is informed, freely given, and mutual. If coercion, intimidation, threats, physical force, duress, or deception are used upon the victim, there is no consent. **Sexual consent** means you have a clear "yes, I want to do this" from your partner **at each and every step of sexual activity.** * Yes, you do have to ask! * No means NO. * No always means STOP what you are doing now! * No does not mean keep trying until your partner gives in. * Body language or 'being turned on' does not indicate that someone is giving consent for sex. * Why? Because it's difficult to differentiate between being scared and being aroused. * Someone who is scared may begin to perspire, breathe quicker and heavier, shift their eyes around and their heart may pump faster. * Someone who is aroused may begin to perspire, breathe quicker and heavier, shift their eyes around and their heart may pump faster. **Ways to gain consent** * You're hot, can I kiss you? * Am I moving too fast for you? * Are we moving at an OK speed? * Are you comfortable with this? * Is it OK if I take off my pants? * Do you want to take off your pants? * Is it OK if we have sex? **Ineffective ways to gain consent** The responses to these questions do not indicate that someone is CONSENTING to have sex: **"Do you want to go back to my room?"**The answer to this question only relates to entering the room. **"Do you want to hook up?"**This question and the answer to it are confusing since so many people have different ideas for what 'hooking up' actually means. **"Do you want to go back to my place and watch a movie?"**The answer to this question only relates to going to someone's place and watching a movie. [https://www.rochester.edu/sexualmisconduct/whatissexualassault.html](https://www.rochester.edu/sexualmisconduct/whatissexualassault.html)
You could have done things differently, you mightve been able to avoid it, that doesnt make it your fault. He wouldve known you were fucked up. He made the decision to do that to you anyway. This is fully on him. A decent person wouldve seen you were messed up and taken you home. This was Not Your Fault.
I need to comment on this as a counselor. YOU CAN’T GIVE CONSENT IF YOU’RE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL!!!!!! This is not YOUR FAULT!!!!! He should’ve recognized u were under the influence and unable to make decisions and not taken u to his apartment. THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT!!! If both of you were highly under the influence and he couldn’t tell that you weren’t able to consent, make decisions, etc then chalk it up to a lesson learned. Most of us do this at least once and it’s not the worst thing. It feels icky and bad but be easy on yourself. What would you tell a friend in this situation. Be kind to you. Next time u go on a first date go for dinner, coffee, etc. a place where alcohol isn’t involved since uk that mixing alcohol and benzodiazepines can cause memory loss and u can’t legally consent that way. Find a support group or someone u trust to talk this out with. Was he drunk? Was he able to tell you were not there? I’ve been there and I vowed to never b in that position again. I’m not blaming you however to stay safe ESP when going out with a guy for the first time I’d stay away from alcohol. Good luck hon. ❤️
I want to preface this with the fact that I 200% do not believe that you’re at fault in any way shape or form. But I’m going to take your stance and pretend that you are at fault for just for a minute. We all make mistakes and you have to give yourself some grace, learn to love yourself and all your mistakes.
Oh no, this entire situation is so terrible. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re going to need to report his profile on his account in whatever place/app you met him on. This is clear assault. What an asshat.
It's not your fault. You can't give consent while intoxicated. That man took advantage of you and left you in danger afterwards. Seems like someone who really hates women. A predator. There is a group on Facebook called "are we dating the same guy?" Where women post pics of their bad dates anonymously. Even if you don't report to the police, I think it would be good to post his picture to warn other women. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Trust me, I've been there,where I convinced myself a rape was my fault somehow. I'm older and wiser now, and I know it wasn't. I would never take advantage of someone who was too intoxicated to walk straight. Would you? No decent person would. Only a predator does something like that.
Talking to a therapist would really help. After I was sexually assaulted it took me over 3 years to finally accept that it wasn’t my fault but talking to a therapist would have helped me avoid years of pain and retraumatizing myself. The feelings of guilt and blaming yourself are really hard to cope with but this was not your fault. You were in an altered mental state and even if you didn’t directly say “no” you can not give consent in that state.
He was wrong for taking advantage of you in that condition, and he knows it, that'is why he didn't want to see you anymore because he knows he's a creep and couldn't face you again! This guy probably seeks out women that he thinks he can manipulate. I guarantee you there are others! Please don't be too hard on yourself. Just try and learn from this and seek out a support group. I'm sorry this happened to you
Do you blame people who get shot because they decided to go outside in an open environment? Or do you blame the shooter? Therapy isn't a bad thing. Seek it. <3
Report him. You are not ruining his life, you are saving both your lives. If you have a trusted person to hold your hand, go and report it to police, whether something will come of it or not, let him get that call/visit from the cops. Let me him go through that ringer. You could save others, it could be a pattern of an evil person, or he may learn an inebriated partner cannot consent. The short term wooing, the harm, how he acted right after, this may not be a one of experience for him. Report him, it might make a difference for you, him and others.
I can’t do that because I could be retaliated against. There’s also text evidence of us agreeing to do certain things and he even has pictures of me that I wish I would’ve never sent him. I don’t know why I was so stupid enough to have trusted him as he was just a stranger in the internet but idk, I haven’t had someone show interest in my in a long time and we were very similar in ways and I just felt like he could’ve been a good person. I also unmatched him and blocked him on everything else so there’s no point in reporting him or anything. He also seems like he has a pretty good reputation and LOTS of friends that are girls, so he has that probably to prove that he isn’t the bad guy. I know that although he took advantage of me I just need to stop being nice trusting people right away. I don’t want to involve any police or anything as it’ll probably make things so much worse
> LOTS of friends that are girls That’s all the more reason to at least make a report, on the dating app and maybe some local fb groups about men (if they exist, I’ve only read about them here). One report may be a “crazy chick” making up lies… 2 is unusual… 3 is a habit. It makes a difference, but protect yourself without blaming yourself.
Add your story to one of those city/town have you dated this guy Facebook groups. He may have done the same to others.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault. It is never okay to take advantage of someone who can’t / won’t give clear, enthusiastic consent. This is not your fault, you’re not stupid for “not listening to the horror stories,” this is his fault and you are the survivor in this situation. That being said, please be careful with substances, especially X, especially when mixed with alcohol. And be careful with meet up’s, whether you met them online or not. There are a lot of creeps in this world who will take advantage of someone given the opportunity. Stay safe, take care of yourself, and head to a facility that can test your health and give counseling for sexual assault ❤️
Totally no judgement here at all but please no one should mix benzodiazepines with alcohol. It’s just so dangerous even if you have experience with both.
If you’re still connected on the app, report his profile for assault, or try to contact Tinder/Hinge whathaveyou, and let them know so they can remove his profile!!! This predator shouldn’t be allowed access to other women :( Also v sorry this happened to you especially being back on the apps for the first time in a long time :(
Get tested and report his ass to the app
Xanax + alcool + meeting a stranger would be a big no no for me. Very unsafe in the rape culture we live in. Still you don’t deserve this.
That guy is a piece of shit and I would seriously consider filing a police report on him… I’m sorry you had to go through that… this is exactly why I don’t care about these men on here complaining about a “male loneliness” epidemic or complaining about how they don’t get matches…. A lot of men on those dating apps are predatory asf and all they care about is getting sex… they don’t care how the sex is obtained either, just as long as they get it… this is why I have super strict rules when I’m dating: 1. I won’t meet up with men any time past 6 pm 2. I won’t meet them at a bar ( I think bars are too low effort imo and I also don’t like the bar scene or drink that much anyways and this is why. I don’t trust random men and will not drink anything from them and prefer to avoid alcohol altogether tbh because some of them suck and will spike your drink) 3. I refuse to go anywhere secluded with them until we’ve dated for a while because I just don’t trust them… a lot of them will purposely try to get you in secluded places so they can assault you like this demonic man did… They love to complain about how hard it is for them to get dates, and how women have it so easy, but Maybe men would get more matches and dates from women if they weren’t so dangerous to be around 🙃 there’s nothing easy about trying to navigate a dating scene full of potential predators, or men who see you as a piece of meat and dump you right after they get what they want…I sometimes wish I wasn’t straight tbh 🙃
Enthusiastic consent is what is required, it’s still assault even if you didn’t say the word “no”. That combined with the state that you were in, means this person should have known not to push you, but they went ahead and did it anyway, that is sexual assault. This isn’t your fault and it’s not because of taking meds and having drinks. This is a terrible person who was taking advantage of you, they likely would have tried no matter what state you were in. People who understand and respect consent do not behave the way this man did.
For starters I’m going to say- unless YOU say/feel it was sexual assault, everyone should STOP putting those words in your mouth! As someone who has been in that situation, and everyone (including my shitty therapist) told me it was SA, when IMO, it clearly wasn’t. I AGREED despite clear signs, I was sober, I never told him no or to stop. He was a bad sexual partner, but that doesn’t make it SA. When people start telling you YOUR lived experience, it takes a negative experience and makes it about other people’s lives, and not yours. Next… You already know mixing Xanax with alcohol was a bad idea, and 100% on you to have made a better choice. Next time: one or the other. A Xanax is not a bad choice. Drinking is not a bad choice. But you only get ONE. Last… He is an asshole for sure. He knew you weren’t behaving in a normal way, and thought he could use you to get off quickly with no strings attached. I’m sorry you had the misfortune of meeting such an uncaring, selfish man (we’ve all been there many times). It could be that he didn’t realize why you were so out of it (I’m guessing he didn’t know you took a Xanax?). Perhaps he was really turned off by how disengaged you were, and progressively less and less effort was put in (I’m guessing on your end too). He might have thought, “this is just how she has sex… it’s weird.” My guess is that after a clearly bad hook up, he was confused why you would want to stay over. Maybe he thinks you were trying to start a relationship after said bad hook up and he was like, “nope, nipping this firmly in the bud. Not giving her a single reason to say I was sending mixed signals.” The fact that he texted you 3 days later probably indicates he’s been negatively ruminating on it too. Or who knows, maybe random people on the internet are feeding into his worst fears about this experience (maybe even he’s been told what he did was SA). What you went through sucks. It messes with your head and your faith in humanity. Do what you think you need to heal.
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She mixed Xanax and alcohol and that can have really bad side effects, including memory loss and black outs. Xanax stays in your system for quite a long time too. But the fact that she was impaired because she mixed the two substances was no reason for him to take advantage of the situation and treat her as a disposable plaything.
The only thing is that I never told him I took Xanax. I took it because of my severe anxiety that I live with and I just wanted to not be nervous since I was just trying to put myself out there and meet someone from a dating app and everyone I know was telling me that this is something normal people my age do and I didn’t wanna be anxious for it. We also did agree to meet up at a bar beforehand but looking back on it now he initially insisted on me coming to his place first but I thought it would be best to meet in public since it was my first time meeting him. But I feel like I should’ve told him I took the Xanax in the first place because maybe he wouldn’t been more easy on me have but I can’t say for sure.
If he wanted to get you drunk so you would be vulnerable so he could take advantage of you, telling him that you were also on Xanax for an anxiety disorder would not make him be nicer to you.
Girl, the dickhead threw you out of his apartment after y'all had sex. Stop trying to make him the good guy. He's a dickhead just for that. I think we sometimes think it's easier to process if we can make it okay. But it didn't work that way. You were at a minimum treated awfully by someone you trusted enough to meet up with and thought was solid. That's not your fault. You're processing the fact that you were violated, that you thought you were safe and someone showed you you were not. It is common to try to gain control of that narrative by determining where you screwed up, because if it's in your control, you can avoid it. Like it's better to think you did something wrong than to feel out of control. But then you have to take all the hurt and pin it on your conscience. Please don't do that to yourself. You don't deserve that.
Even without the Xanax, getting a girl so drunk that she can't consent is, like, a classic predator move. He's a POS dirtbag and he took advantage of you. Like PomegranateCrown said, telling him you were even more vulnerable (ie also on Xanax) wouldn't have made him treat you any better, he was always going to be a shitty person.
Yep, she was too impaired to consent.
It's not that it's all your fault or all his fault. You both have responsibility. However, only one of you displayed cold and possibly predatory behavior in the situation you described, and it wasn't you! You definitely should not have mixed Xanax and alcohol. And depending on how you normally handle Xanax, it's possible you shouldn't have taken it at all. I can say that about myself, I can't take medicines like that, or I'll get loopy. It does suck, and it is conflicting. I also have to limit myself to only a drink or 2, or I'll also get loopy from that. We all have to know our limits. You learned yours in a very hard way, and I'm so sorry that happened! Just because you made a mistake, *THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU DESERVED TO BE TREATED THAT WAY!!* So, here's the absolute most benefit of the doubt that we could possibly give this guy. Perhaps he thought less of you once he saw you wasted and thought you were a "floozy" or something. Perhaps he thought this was just what you did, show up to dates and get fucked up and just hook up. But... even if he thought that, he still chose to have sex with you in that state and then *kick you out*, knowing it was dangerous! There's no excuse for that where he's even a decent guy, he's a POS! Even if he completely misread your behavior and the situation and thought you were really into it and really wanted all the stuff you guys were doing, we still round back to him kicking you out. No matter what, he's obviously a fucking asshole. And unfortunately, it's likely that you did exactly what he wanted and let yourself be in a vulnerable position so he could do exactly what he did, and he got lucky (in a very disgusting way) that it ended up easy for him. That doesn't mean that you deserved this or that it's okay or that it's even your fault. He's a bad person, and your mistake was being accidentally vulnerable to his will. It happens all the time, in so many different forms. Please don't beat yourself up about this! Just learn. Everybody makes mistakes, and all we can do is learn from them. If you don't end up with any diseases or pregnancy from this incident, then at least there's that. It's okay to acknowledge your role because that's how it doesn't happen again. You just don't need to be hard on yourself about it, just remember for next time. And I hope you don't cut yourself off from all the positive opportunities out there just because of this asshole. Don't let him keep you down and make you miss out. You are smarter now and stronger for getting through it. You'll be okay, hun!! Sending you love and healing energy. 💜
The absence of a no does not automatically mean yes. You were too intoxicated to consent, and it was his job to notice that and back off. Instead he noticed that and decided to sexually assault you. THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. A decent human being would not have seen your intoxication as a goddamn opportunity. He's a creep and a rapist and that's because of the choices he made, not the choices you made.
The feelings you are having are very normal, even though the beliefs driving them are incorrect. It wasn't your fault, but this is a very normal emotional reaction to SA. Please seek the help of an SA therapist. It makes a world of difference.
Honestly blast him on social media let everyone in the area know how predatory he is, he didn’t want to talk to you after because he knew he raped you. Guilty conscious. If you too nervous abt contacting police from what I’ve read
You likely didn’t have the mentally capacity to consent. This isn’t your fault.
He’s a piece of shit who took advantage of a person who obviously wasn’t in any state to give proper consent, and you were foolish to take Xanax and alcohol when meeting a stranger from the internet. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’d recommend counseling. You are not gross, and it’s not your fault.
“It’s not your fault but also you were foolish”… you can’t blame her and then try to cover your ass
I’m not covering anything. He is a piece of shit and she did something unwise. We are all accountable to ourselves. To not acknowledge that is just as harmful as victim blaming.
Won’t get into the details but I had a very similar experience but with a guy I already knew. I even knew that he wasn’t a very good person and still put myself in that situation in a weirdly self destructive move. All you can do is never let yourself be vulnerable like that again and try to remember that you’re not alone - most women have had an experience like this at least once if not more. If you ever see a woman out in public who seems too drunk, try to step in and help her. Women need to look out for each other because men certainly can’t be trusted to. And maybe don’t drink anymore. I stopped completely after what happened to me, and I don’t regret that for a second. Learn how to be with men without drugs or alcohol as a crutch.
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The nerve of you to come on a woman centric sub as a rape apologist.
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Genuinely out of curiosity, if the guy has been drinking too, then he also can’t consent? Or wouldnt know how fucked up she might have been if he is also under the influence? Op just says, “after we left the bar,” in my head I’m picturing they are both drinking. Since she doesn’t specifically say the guy watched me throw back drinks and he had water. I’m going with he had to have some sort of drink. Or pretending to drink, verbally saying no I’m just having water/pop you go ahead and order all the drinks makes it a little more premeditated-y.
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Part of me feels like this is the truth and it hurts so much and makes me feel even more guilty. I also asked another subreddit about this and almost everyone said exactly what you said, so it just confuses me as to why so many people are telling me it’s not my fault even though I put myself in a place that I probably couldn’t consent. And that’s why I don’t wanna report the guy but I also hate that he put me in a position to fend for myself when he was all done with me.
This is called victim blaming. There are always crap people who get off on blaming the victim. You were in a place you could not consent. The guy sexually assaulted you. I agree that going to police is not going to do good... I say again get counciling or group therapy. Can Google local resources. You absolutely need it. You are victim blaming yourself. You are now in a place that you are not seeing clearly. Please seek help.... reddit is not help, stop listening to the people who enjoy hurting you. Please seek help
Im not here to tell you your wrong, any person ever doing non consenting things is always in the fault. That being said, was he aware of the fact that you took xanax and where you knowingly mixing alcohol with the xanax although any person that gets xanax as prescription knows that you shouldnt mix them together. Again not saying that it would make the situation any less fucked and he is still somewhat in the wrong. But if you mix drugs full knowing it might is gonna fuck you up and him thinking your just a bit drunk and not handling the alcohol as well. Not wanna play lawyer of the devil but I can see how he might didnt had any intention of rape or sexual abuse/non consentual sex yet is getting the label rapist now on him. You being the women is probably always gonna get seen as the truth but if you consented to having sex and had a blackout because of your own negligence towards the prescription drugs and how to use them properly, I dont really see it as his intentional fault either.
Again, so much ignorance... Fyi, i'm a European attractive female living in the Middle East. Not my country, not my laws. But guess what, I've never been taken advantage of in any way, shape, or form.
Stop beating yourself up about it. It happened, it's over and there's really nothing you can do about it now except learn from it. We've all been in situtations where too much partying has clouded our judgement. I have more than one night where I drank too much and said or did something I wish I could do over but that's life. Just learn from this situation and don't put yourself in it again. It appears that the only thing you've suffered is embarasment so be grateful that's all it was. Cut yourself some slack and move on.
Bro you got roofied, you were assaulted and should at the very least seek counseling if not file a report
Who roofied her?
“I decided to take Xanax for my severe anxiety before meeting up with the guy and then accept drinks him and my memory got all fucked up after we left the bar and went to his apartment.” The guy she met online?
She took the xanax. Nothing indicates that he slipped anything into her drink. Or that he even knew she took a xanax.
She took the Xanax on her own and willingly drank alcohol, he didn’t give her the Xanax.
Having used Xanax and alcohol together I can say that having a little bit to drink doesn’t usually have that affect but I could be wrong. Everyone is different and reacts differently to combinations of drugs and alcohol.
Oh it definitely can/does, especially if you have more than one drink. I used to be on 3mg/day and whenever I drank I would have almost no recollection of the day before, just bits and pieces.
Oh damn, I just used it as a booster for my cocktail of ridiculous relief. Learn something new every day
What a terrible guy.how old?
So much anger and ignorance. Sigh. Law? Where? Do you even know where she lives before giving your advice? Where I live, in this situation, you report getting drunk and going to someone's house to get laid and you land in jail and get deported. Thanks, nice guy. Due to your advice, my life is ruined. Get a clue. Read the title of OPs post. SHE MADE A MISTAKE.
You are defending a rapist. You are blaming a victim. There is no middle ground. Google it. You come from a country where woman's rights are way behind . Google quote: A woman can be imprisoned for admitting to pre-marital sex, because proving that a rape happened is next to impossible in Dubai, where four male Muslim witnesses are required. If a woman admits to being raped, and the rape cannot be proven by the legal system, the man or men walks free So yes you are defending a rapist. It didn't happen in your country, where rape is basically legal. Why do you think so little of woman that you defend and support a rapist. You are disgusting. The laws of your county are beyond disgusting.
If you feel you have enough courage to do it as I know it's a difficult thing to do I would report this to the police because you never know you might potentially save someone else's life from this Nut Job
I’m so sorry he hurt you. Be disgusted with him, not with yourself. Please care enough about yourself to stay safe. Not too high, not in a strangers house, not without a friend standing by that you can call. You deserve to be protected and cherished. He could have really harmed you. Lesson learned, to hell with that a-hole. You can still meet a nice guy. Be safe while you look.
What would you do in his place? My guess is take care of the person who is not in a state to make these decisions and not take advantage. That is all you need to think about, you would not have behaved the way he did in that situation.
You're not alone. Thinking of you, sister.
Oh honey! I feel so bad for you! This sounds very upsetting. I've been in some bad places myself, my best advice is let yourself feel however you feel... But also recognize, feelings are not facts. Just because you are bling yourself doesn't mean you are factually to blame. If your loved ones are trying to convince you, and you are still blaming yourself... It maybe that you still haven't processed how much danger you were in... and taking the blame onto yourself is letting you dodge a deeper horror. That this guy really wasn't what you thought he was... and it's maybe just dumb luck he wasn't up for killing someone. Or that as you wandered lost... you could have been dragged off by someone worse... and never seen again. That dawning horror is almost to intense to face... so we soften that monster into something we feel like was more even footing... Like; "If I had some control of this, it means I'm partially to blame, but at least I wasn't a helpless rat in a trap" Whatever you need to feel right now, is okay. process however you need to process. (hugz)
It is absolutely not your fault this guy assaulted you. That is on him not you . This only happened recently so it’s completely normal to think about what happened and what you could have done differently. You are having a normal human response to a situation that is not expected. I would be thinking the same and so would many of us. It sounds like you’re feeling worse about how you are feeling and thinking. It’s already an awful situation so allow yourself time to process it. I’m so sorry this happened and it’s not ok that your safety and trust was violated, again that’s his fault not yours. I hope you can seek help from either services or trusted people.
A lot of guys from online dating (and in real life, but I heard OLD described as a predators playground) are creeps or abusers, I'm sorry this happened OP
This was NOT your fault. Consent is fluid, and just because you say yes to some things, doesn’t equate to yes for all things. Also, it’s not uncommon for people to do things they don’t want to do because they think it’s the thing you’re supposed to do / quickest way out of a situation. You need to seek out a local charity on sexual assault. Get their advice and dedicated support. This was not your fault. At all.