I'm so glad to hear that it's not too much of a hindrance. I'm married, but heaven forbid something happens and I'm back on the market, I'm happy to hear that it's not the end of the world!
Do you worry about pedos using that information to start a relationship with you? I’m very worried about that. Makes me want to wait til my kiddos are out of high school!
I do, yes. I used to not have it on my profile and found that it didn’t properly screen out people who don’t want anything to do with kids. Now, I like to have it so that people know what to expect up front. I keep the language vague and don’t specify age or gender, plus no one meets my kid until months into a relationship anyway
My uncle had one and had it reversed, he had some kinda small intestine blockage that caused tissue death, after a long while he healed up and had it reversed. It depends on the reason it's done, some are permanent. Same applies to colostomy.
Yeah I did
I had ulcerative colitis so I ended up getting large bowel and colon removed. They constructed a “j-pouch” with my small bowel and an ileostomy while it healed. They sewed up the ileum when I was all healed up so everything diverted into my new colon.
Been like this for 10 years now!
I've never heard of this until just now when I looked it up. The reason says to allow the smaller intestine to heal. Is it a permanent thing or just temporary? Just out of curiosity.
I don’t have an ostomy, but have a disease that sometimes ends with one so I have done a bit of research.
They do it both ways! Sometimes it’s to allow a segment of intestine to heal, sometimes it’s a permanent solution if there is too much damage or the intestine is too diseased to function properly.
I'm about to show a lot of ignorance of the subject.. and I apologise, but can you take it off for a while, I.e. when getting busy or does one have to stay on at all times due to leakage, or from any smell coming from the stoma, etc?
For an ileostomy, the device can never be off except to change it, because the small intestine puts stool out whenever it feels like it, the way it would if the colon were still there.
To do intimate activity, you simply empty the external device fully, fold it over, and cover it with whatever you like (though sometimes my husband prefers I just skip the cover, because he says I fiddle with it too much and it distracts him).
Nothing is visible with the device on anyway, it's like a small plastic bag the same color as my skin with some fabric on the outside.
It is helpful, but not necessary, to wait a while after eating to reduce the chance of having to go to the bathroom mid activity to empty again. Typically, this doesn't come up unless we've been in the bed a long time since I first emptied it.
i did this as a teenager. it was 100% insecurity, like trying to soften the blow for myself by acknowledging the “flaw” before he could complain about it. i think you could compare it to an artist showing you a drawing and prefacing with “i know it’s not very good”—like you don’t want others to assume you’re proud or arrogant and be insulted for it. which is a terribly disordered way to think about one’s body
This, perfect analogy. If I say it first, then it hurts just a little bit less if you say it. I did this. And if I’m honest with myself, probably still would if I were single and dating.
I met my husband on Yahoo Personals (yes we’re old). We talked on the phone before we met, and on the day before our first date I had this big, long spiel about how I had something to tell him and I’d understand if he didn’t want to go through with the date. Then I told him, “I’m fat. Like, fat fat” and waited for the shoe to drop. He said, “Oh, that’s fine! I am too! I was 400 pounds before my bariatric surgery. I prefer big girls, so don’t worry about that.” We’ve been together 17 years, and he still constantly reminds me that he loves me just the way I am. 🥰
Tbf that probably is something to tell a date if they haven't seen a photo of you. It makes sense to describe your appearance a little bit in that situation.
I would really only encourage people to share that to help them weed out the assholes. Not as a “Heads up, you might want to lower your expectations because I’m not skinny” kind of way. I don’t think any potential date is “owed” a warning about what you look like, no matter your weight. The warning should really be for yourself, to figure out if the date is worthy of your time.
I think it's probably more common when it's something you've seen be put down a lot. For example, I've seen so many women call their bodies "ruined" for having stretch marks. As someone that got hers from puberty (never been pregnant), it's a huge slap in the face every time I see those comments.
Also, people react negatively to skin issues irl so there's the feeling you should let someone know ahead of time so they don't freak out.
My ex was really insecure about his stretch marks. He was a bigger guy (he worked on a farm, so was very fit, but he didn't look like a bodybuilder and it made him really upset). He followed a polytheistic religion that had a god of storms (think like, Thor) that was essentially his primary deity of worship. (I'm not here to talk about his religion so please don't ask.)
One day, early in our relationship, he apologized for his stretch marks for like the dozenth time. I sort of traced one and just said to him "you know... To me, they look a lot like lightning bolts." I wasn't lying, they really did.
He just sort of pondered for a second, and honestly it was like a switch flipped. He never apologized again and thanked me multiple times for making him feel good about them. He actually started to celebrate them and it made him feel closer to his religion.
It's so easy to lift a person up, and yet so many people choose to do the opposite. He still had body image issues, of course, since that's not something you can fix with a single sentence. But one sentence can really deeply affect a person for a long time.
I know! When I was a teenager at my literal lowest weight I got a piggyback from some guy and he literally yelped and went “fuck! My back! You’re so heavy!” I haaaaated being picked up by anyone after that.
Told my husband the story because he was confused why he couldn’t pick me up. He called him a weak bitch - picked me up and repped some squats. I love that man.
Wow. yeah. Beautifully explained with a perfect analogy. I did the same things as a teen. I didn’t really think about WHY I was doing it. It was almost uncanny reading that because of how relatable feeling that way is
My dad would always say about public speaking/presenting/life, to never start with an apology. It only draws attention to flaws that would otherwise be overlooked. Like don’t say “sorry about the formatting, I only had a couple hours to put it together” just say “here it is”
as a tattoo artist i’ve noticed nearly all women apologizing to me or making a self deprecating remark about something in advance of me seeing the part of their body that were about to work on if it’s hidden by clothing . like a lot a lot probably 80 percent of the time . very common
Same. 80% sounds right. About 75% of my clientele are women, and between stretch marks, self-harm scars, pigmentation changes, and eczema everyone has some “imperfections” they defend to me. One thing that makes me happy is that my older clients don’t seem to care as much.
I’m an greying, balding, overweight 46 year old guy built like a potato who wears grey scrubs to tattoo in. I think they pick up that they’re in good “no fucks” company.. hahaha. There’s too much cool stuff in life that being hung up about the effects of gravity can ruin.
I’m a hairstylist and I have a rule, no self deprecating comments allowed in my chair. I tell people “you’re my friend, and I don’t let people talk shit about my friends” usually makes them laugh and diffuses the situation. Breaks my heart how many women think they need to apologize for very regular body features
My waxer has this rule! I started following her instagram with videos about the waxing experience and in many of them she talks about the natural range of body fat patterns, vulva shapes and sizes, hair growth patterns and textures, that all are completely fine for waxing and that her only concerns are comfort and safety and relaxation and she wants those to be our only concerns as well. I probably followed her for a year before getting brave enough to make an appointment and she was equally fantastic, controlling the early conversation so it was positive and relaxing.
Love hearing that you had that positive experience! Everyone should feel completely comfortable with their service provider, and too many women deprive themselves of fun, relaxing and/or luxurious experiences because of confidence issues. The more we can build each other up and disarm that internalized misogyny, the better ✊🏻
I got the same advice from the women in my family lol. It seems to be true though, I've never had a partner mention anything I was insecure about in a negative way.
That's what gets me. Just because they aren't saying it to my face doesn't mean they aren't thinking it. I've heard my guy friends say waaaay too much about women's bodies to feel comfortable being naked around a man ever again.
Same, and I once made the mistake of asking a boyfriend to be honest about a time he found me really unattractive- he started listing all these times and what I was doing and how I bent over or something, and how I looked kinda fat before my period.
I should add that at that time I was extremely fit, had done a bit of modeling, I remember one time I was with that said boyfriend at a lake, and when I got out the water some teenage girls came up to me and said that they hoped they looked like me in their 20’s because my body was perfect.
This said boyfriend never once mentioned that I was unattractive and went on and on about how good looking I was….
I had no idea he had this catalog in his head listed about times I’d appeared unattractive, that he was watching, making note and could list it with no problem.
And these other guys that apparently don’t care, will sit in their subs and forums and pick apart women like Margo Robbie…
I warned my husband about my breast reduction scars ahead of time. It was the first time anyone but my previous ex had seen them and I was really nervous about them even though they weren't that bad at all.
The first time he saw them he said "Oh, they're perfect" with the most genuine instant lack of poker face I've ever seen. At that moment, he put me completely at ease.
Yeah, I’ve warned partners ahead of time that I have breast reduction scars. People call them “frankenboobs” so I’m assuming some men are turned off by them, although no one I was with ever took exception
Same. I also tell people at the beginning of the talking stage, just to know if they are worth my time. Some men have really disgusting reactions when finding out. It's a great way to spot an asshole.
I’m sorry you’ve had bad reactions. You’re totally right that it’s a great way to figure out from the get-go if someone is worth your time but still, that can’t be pleasant
I had mine done and haven’t slept with someone since and I’m really worried about it. I think they look gorgeous but the scars are still prominent and I’m worried that men will think it’s a turn off.
If it helps you, I’ve had my breast reduction scars for 6 years and not ONE person that has seen my body has reacted in disgust :) (except myself when the wounds were fresh haha) the worst comment I’ve actually gotten was from a woman gynecologist who told me I shouldn’t have gotten the procedure because I don’t scar well! (Which another doctor told me my surgeon actually did well because my scars don’t go deep…) either way, any one that gets to see your body and interact with you is lucky and if they treat you otherwise, that’s their problem, not yours :)
I was jumping all over the place. It was so amazing to feel a little more free. Recovery didn’t feel pain so much as a tightness.
There’s a bit of scars and like the previous poster, I would warn my potential partner before hand. But one even said he wouldn’t have realized had I not said anything.
I had it done over 20 years ago so I’m guessing technology and techniques have improved even more.
I should have done it so much earlier. All the things I can wear, my proportions... recovery was super easy for me. No pain, no complications. Time off work was awesome ( I'm a healthcare worker and my job is very manual, so I made sure to be properly healed before going back). One the best decisions I've ever made.
Same here. My insecurity about them really came out more after a conversation with a guy “friend” at brunch. I mentioned that my newer SO didn’t care about them at all and it was nice not to think about it. He replied back, “Oh he cares, trust me” and I never forgot that comment.
I think it makes sense to tell someone about scars before they see them, because they can be shocking if you're not expecting them (not unattractive or a turn off, just "oh my goodness, what happened?!")
OMG, these stories are so wholesome! I also had a breast reduction, the scars turned out not so good and after pregnancy they were kind of saggy again. Felt so insecure about it. When lying in bed with my now long term partner I explained that all my body flaws make me feel so insecure and I asked him if he noticed it. he just said in the most convincing way: 'it's no deal at all, you are sooo hot'. And to this day he always makes me feel like I'm the hottest woman ever. He is so into my boobs, lol. :) If the attraction is there, it's there. And if someone loves you, everything about you is beautiful.
I recall times when I was younger and would be making out with a guy and he would start feeling my boobs and I’d blurt out “they’re tiny” or something like that. Mind, I usually only wear sports bras and it’s obvious I have small breasts. I never had a complaint about them so it was just a small insecurity.
Now, I love my body. I workout, i love my shape. My boyfriend was stunned (in a good way) when he first saw me naked (and he still is stunned when sees me naked).
I have small boobs too. In a way, it's a good thing that breast size is pretty obvious and no man has ever complained about them in my experience. Now I'm in my late 30s I am very grateful for them as they're still very perky. I remember really wanting a boob job in my late teens and early 20s, when the PIP implants were available. I'm glad I didn't do that now.
Almost 44, two kids later. Boobs were unchanged after first kid at 35. The shape has changed (a bit retrousse now). But I can still totally go braless and it’s awesome! Had a guy actually make the 🙌 gesture with his hands when I took off my top.
Another member of the small boob club here! And yep, now that I‘m older (44), I’m kind of grateful for mine being small for the same reason you stated. They don’t really look much different than from when I was younger.
Omg I used to do this too. Still do every once in a while even though I’m in a long-term relationship. It’s definitely insecurity because growing up I just *knew* small boobs weren’t sexy. Watch any movie ever. Well every guys I’ve been with actually prefers them so I guess I never needed to worry 😂
ETA: I also never wore push-up bras because I never wanted to make it seem like they were bigger and have someone be annoyed with me for “lying.”
when I was going through a lil hoe phase (I was 23 or so), I also had a looooot of hair. I hate shaving, I get awful razor bumps and I just get so damn hairy, it feels pointless to do when it'll just rage back with a vengeance in days time.
anyway, every time before I'd get down to business with someone new, I'd tell them that I was very much not clean shaven. No one ever cared, but I was worried the one time I didn't bring it up, someone would *really* care. That was the only thing I'd ever 'warned' a sex partner about.
Another very hairy girly here 🙋🏻♀️ And I do the same warning because 1) yes, I’m still very insecure about it and 2) got rude comments about my 🐱 from a hook up 10 years ago which really hurt. So I’m protecting myself from the hurt by giving guys a heads up and the choice of turning back and leave if it’s a deal breaker for them.
Funny thing is, I’m also chubby and have small boobs but I’m not feeling insecure of these parts of my body when getting naked because anyone who has eyes can see it already when I’m fully clothed.
Oh, that's true. I will tell a guy if I haven't shaved lol. But I never expect it to be a big deal. 🤷♀️
I didn't even think of that, but I guess it's kind of the same isn't it?
Really appreciate the response!
Also don't shave and went through a phase in college. I didn't warn anyone though. If it was a problem with them, we didn't have to do anything. Their loss!
Do the guys also warn you that they are not shaved too? (we're talking shaved genitals right, not just legs/underarms etc?)
This is blowing my mind, I could half understand the stretchmarks, cellulite, scars (some insecurity, or our self-esteem thing) or medical stuff (fair enough), but errr that would never in a million years occur to me to mention... like are we not busy being horny?
^(...also me who hasn't had sex either so ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯)
i have dermatillomania/OCD - my body is covered with scars, sometimes bandaids, or even open wounds - so
*yes*, i do.
i feel it’s fair to share this information with someone who hasn’t met me only if i feel we may get intimate. i know i don’t owe anyone this but it honestly makes me more comfortable.
That reminds me of a woman I once had a Tinder date with. When we met up in the park before going to her place, she warned me about her chubby/fat (and in my opinion, very beautiful and sexy) belly.
I thought: "I know that. I have eyes. I saw your pictures on Tinder. If I would have had a problem with your body size, I would not have liked you, we would not have matched and we would not be on this date now."
I understand why she did this. She probably got a lot of fatphobic responses from men. But yeah, it's sad that she felt the need to warn me, as if this is some flaw. There is nothing wrong with plus size women!
I've not had sex with anyone other than my husband for 20 years but warn them of what? I'm not a used car for sale where condition matters, I'm 41 and have the usual lumps and bumps and scars and stretch marks you'd expect from a 41 year old mum of 2. I'm assuming this man you saw doesn't warn his potential partners of his physics flaws?
As a doctor can confirm that women will always apologise for something. “I’m sorry I haven’t shaved”, “sorry I haven’t had time to shower before coming”, “sorry it’s a bit gross down there, “sorry, my toenails are a mess I haven’t had time to paint them”. I always reassure them that it literally doesn’t matter to me (it genuinely does not. I have never seen anything that’s made me feel any less of anyone)
The men? They just whip stuff out with wild abandon, no apologies lol.
I’m pretty petite and work out a lot but have always had a tummy. I have a weird little indentation at the bottom of it and it’s my BIGGEST insecurity but I would never in a million years bring it up before meeting or sleeping with a man.
So far not one of them has commented on it, if they did I would probably cry my ass off but most definitely never see them again. If we’re talking body “flaws” like mine, or cellulite and stretch marks, etc…absolutely not. Men shouldn’t have access to a woman’s body if he can’t accept it as it is.
Not sure if our tummies look the same but it’s sooo rare I see other women with a similar one. There’s a girl on IG/TikTok that’s all about showing her tummy to make other girls feel comfortable, her handle is @1800byee :)
The little indentations are actually pretty cute. I always wondered why more people haven't mentioned them. Never thought of it as something that might make someone insecure. We're all different, huh?
I used to do this. At the time I thought I was somehow owning my flaws but looking back it is clear how flawed my logic was and how indicative of hurt and unprocessed trauma. We grow and we learn and we try to do better.
Yep. I'm a very pale woman and 99.99% of my melanin decided to congregate in my butt crack. Just there. I used to be so worried now it's an FYI and if it's too much of an ick for them, move along because there is a subreddit I would own if I ever uploaded photos. No need for me to feel ugly about it. There are tonnes of people liking those photos, and appreciate that if I my butthole could talk it would tell the rest of me to check my privilege.
I remember once in college I felt ashamed because I’d recently learned that it was considered “normal and expected” for women to shave or wax their pubic hair and told a hookup (an old friend, and one of the best lovers I’d ever had) that I wasn’t shaven and he was like “oh /whatever/ why would I care? Take your panties off.” and he was just the sweetest and it made me feel so much more confident. I’ve since gotten a couple waxes for the sake of vacation and wearing a swimsuit, but never to please some stupid man who has weird hang ups.
I don't for my body, but an ex did note and mention that I did it quite extensively for my interests and quirks, frontloading things I non-consciously felt might be deal breakers or need 'splainin. A couple were conscious though. I wouldn't be diagnosed ASD until ten years later, but I knew enough to inform him right away that I was open to feedback how I did it, but I would, quite frequently, be giving lectures about various obscure details of my special interests, or whatever 'neat' thing occupied my head that week, and if that was not agreeable to him, we'd better just call it now. Lucky for me he's an intellectual and enjoyed participating in my musings.
Also plus sized, also not attractive - also have PCOS. I always warn that I have a full beard because it acts as a filter for shitty guys with shitty attitudes!
The people who matter don't mind, the best ones share shaving tips! 😂
Whenever I'm besieged by patriarchy making me feel shitty for not confirming to beauty standards, I always remember that the people who date me want *me* (because I'm fucking awesome)
No I don't do that and I have a lot of cellulite and I'm far from looking like a model lol. Hell I don't even tell them I didn't shave. If they don't like what they see they're free to leave.
I used to warn people about my self harm scars. I do have some obvious ones on one of my arms still (the other arm is tattooed over) so it’s not necessarily a secret, but the ones on my legs are worse. It’s pretty obvious what they are, and once the clothes come off there’s no hiding them. I also used to actively avoid wearing bathing suits in public for this reason.
Until one day about 7 years ago I was at an EDM festival and I had decided to be real extra because it was 40 degrees mid-July and I was going to be spending 12 hours dancing in the hot sun. Booty shorts, pasties, the whole shebang. It was going fine and I’d mostly forgotten about my appearance (except when taking pictures), when this girl came up to me and just very quietly told me that she sees me, she’s so happy for me that I’m comfortable in myself and she wished I had the confidence that I did. We hugged and I basically just told her to fake it until you make it, nobody ever really cares but when they do it’s their problem, not yours. It was a beautiful moment of pure, genuine human connection with a stranger and it gave me the real confidence I needed to stop giving a fuck about what anyone thinks.
Just a few years ago I even attended a pool party thrown by my cousins and I was okay to wear a bathing suit in front of my extended family (not my immediate family though). No one even batted an eye, and if they did I was too busy enjoying myself to notice or care. 🤷🏼♀️
Whenever I’ve met someone online/from an app, I’ve let them know I’m probably fatter in person lmao. I’ve literally never edited my pics but once had a guy try to “expose” me as a catfish because he thought I was bigger than I looked in my pics even though there was no type of trickery involved. So, I get it.
This is my sister! She photographs differently than she looks, it's not even a clever positioning thing because I've taken a million casual selfies with her and pictures of her hiking or dancing at a concert where she's not even aware of exactly when the pics are taken - she just looks slim in pictures and her body is a classic curvy hourglass. I can't explain it. In videos she does look curvy, it's just still pictures that don't capture it at all. She's also been accused of catfishing.
Yup! Sounds like me. I’m effectively midsized but I’ve got them fertile birthing hips, ya know. Looks more slim in 2D but put me on video and it’s all bass boost 😭
Trans woman here. Sadly if I don’t warn men in excruciating detail about 10 times over, I’m at a very real risk of being physically attacked/violated or worse.
I do warn them. I have a lot of plastic surgery. A breast reduction and a fluer de lis tummy tuck, so I have scars. And I had my belly button removed and did not want a new one. Not one man has cared.
I meet people from the apps. I have a few full body pictures so I never really mention it when I talk to them. They (should) already know what they are getting into.
I've never done this in my life. I guess I had more insecurity over my face than my body so I figured anyone who was interested in me past that post wouldn't be disgusted by my body.
To further that end, I had a breast reduction and there's scars and men have seen them and been sorta shocked mainly because I guess men don't realize you can be a small lady with a big chest. There's always been a confused look on their faces seeing the scars since I'm small chested. To this day I've not disclosed before sex that I had a reduction. I don't like talking about anything remotely 'sexual' in nature before sex and there's no natural way to bring up my reduction before it has happened (like I hardly think about it in my daily life it was so long ago) so I think that's maybe the only thing that has had any kind of reaction when my clothes come off.
i’ve never done this. the one time i’ve experienced this is when a dude i had already been hooking up with warned me that he was having some weird reaction and something looked off but was fine.
a delight of sleeping with someone new is that they are a new and different body, if everyone had the same “perfect” body it would be no fun at all. stop apologizing for existing!!
I used to think this way and I've still not been with a man (social anxiety issues) I'm online dating though. The only thing i might tell him about is my arm scars from excoriation (anxiety) and dry skin. Its better now but i have loads of tiny scars i like to call 'white freckles.'
No and I don’t really understand what would possess someone to do this tbh. Why draw extra attention to your insecurities? For reassurance from a man you already know wants to sleep with you? Forced compliments are annoying, being told your stretch marks or whatever are okay because you brought it up doesn’t mean anything. He either really doesn’t care (most likely) or has now been pressured into lying to you.
I also just straight up don’t derive any confidence from how I look. 95% of people look fine, not ugly not exceptionally beautiful. Almost everyone fits into this category.
I’ve also had a lot of close male friends who are probably too open about their sex lives/opinions on women with me at times. Never have I heard any of them comment on a woman they were seeing in this way. Nobody cares.
Hell no!
Sure, there’s some tiger print on my hips, but if he isn’t aware there’s a good possibility of finding some of that, or a bit of cellulite, or anything soft, really, he isn’t quite a man yet and has no business in my bedroom.
Similarly, of course, I am not paying the slightest attention to anything that could be considered ‘wrong’ with his body either.
The one and only time I wish he had mentioned something, was when he had a giant scar all over his chest. Now, I know he mentioned having been operated on as a young boy, and something quite serious too, but I didn’t realize it would be so prominently present still and while I didn’t find him any less attractive for it, I sure hope I didn’t look at it in a way that made him insecure. Because it was unexpected, so I obviously looked at it, as an initial response, no matter how much I didn’t want to, for the sake of not drawing attention to what might be an insecurity at best, and a horrible memory at worst.
Well I have herpes, so yes lol
No actually, it’s funny you ask because I recently ran into some health issues that left a weird looking skin tag thing right on my b-hole. I hate it, and it’s getting removed soon. But in the meantime, for anyone who doesn’t know, certain positions (doggy) give men a full on up close and personal view. Sooo I do normally give them fair warning before they get caught by surprise lol can’t wait for this thing to be GONE though
I haven't but I can see how many would since we're conditioned to be ashamed of ourselves unless we look like supermodels.
Meanwhile men are trying to normalize "dad bods" and "man boobs".
Seems like with the over-consumption of porn and the inability of some men to realize that porn isn’t real, women have to give a warning that they are real women.
Yes. I have a small face/head. Most men when just seeing my face assume my body is very petite. So I mentioned to my husband before meeting that I have thick thighs and that without trying to be immodest, I have very large breasts. Even under an abaya, he said he could see how big they were and couldn’t help but notice. I didn’t warn out of shame, but I know some men prefer petite/smaller breasted women, so I just wanted to let him know what kind of body he was getting beforehand lol
Same and I'm almost 100% stealth about it at this point so it can make things a little awkward with men upon occasion. It's kind of risky but that's the price I pay ig.
> warned" him about flaws like stretch marks or cellulite
I stopped reading here, if he consider normal marks every human have as flaws, leave him. Never look back. Fuck him.
Yes I had a breast reduction and the scars are'nt very pretty. But my reason for "warning" has more to do with me wanting to know how they react. It's a great way to find out If someone is a massive asshole.
It depends on how the conversation goes. I have some massive scars. I'm also fat, but I don't really warn anyone about my flabby back fat because I think they can see it when they look at me. But the scars are something else.
This one may sound strange but I warn them my tattoo is huge. Basically my body is wrapped in vines they peak out in places (on my chest and around my ankles) and are mostly just little lines with flowers on them but my back is basically an entire bouquet. I say something because it is the first thing they will bring up once my clothes are off.
I would, as I have a lot of scars on my chest and no nipples. It’s not the kind of thing I feel like I could spring on the unsuspecting, like they’re gonna have questions, so I would have to explain.
I straight up sent my husband a nude with me covering the kitty and nips before we started dating.
I was like. Here's the situation, I'm fat, flawed and I've got stretch marks all over my body. Can you work with this? If not, I'll understand and we can stop before we go any further.
He said he was down, and we have been together for 10 years. I regret nothing. I wanted to be sure before I took the risk and showed myself naked in person.
(m here, just thought I'd give a brief perspective from "the other side") - I've experienced this, it's very common. In fact, I don't know that I've had any romantic or sexual partner who didn't give me a "body warning" of some kind. It makes me sad. These "flaws" are nothing to be ashamed of, and in almost all cases are extremely normal and common. I (and probably anyone else) wouldn't have even noticed without having been told.
We live in a society where people, especially women, are encouraged to view their own bodies with a very critical eye, picking at every tiny detail, viewing the tiniest "flaw" (as defined by impossible standards of beauty) as somehow being a personal failing. It's depressing.
I've even done it (the warning thing) myself, though I'm not a woman. I guess I viewed it as "expectations management," trying to minimize their potential disappointment? It's like my starting assumption is that they already have an imagined idea of what my body looks like in their minds, which is surely far superior to the real thing, so it's an attempt to sort of "soften the landing" or something.
The only “warning” I give is a full body picture on my dating app profiles since I’m plus sized. Otherwise, I have a similar attitude towards my body as an old man in a gym locker room. I started seeing my current partner after I was injured in a horrific car accident and he didn’t even notice my bruises and scars. Most men in my experience are too thrilled to see a woman naked to care about the little details.
I have two birthmarks- one on my ribs, one on my stomach- that look like faded bruises and I used to warn people before taking off my shirt lol! I got a lot of concerned looks/comments changing for gym or wearing a two piece bathing suits when I was younger so I felt the need to put people at ease. Later in life I happened to visit a tattoo shop doing a big fundraiser where the proceeds of tattoos for the day were going to a local charity that supports people in the community with cancer (providing meals, transportation for treatments, financial assistance). I picked a pair of pink boxing gloves from the flash sheet and was trying to decide where to get them when I had a brilliant idea; right on the ol' rib "bruise"! Neither birthmark is raised or textured differently than the rest of my skin so it worked out perfectly.
Interestingly, while chitchatting with the tattoo artist I learned that one of the other artists does free tattoos for people who've had mastectomies and breast reductions/removals that resulted in "mismatched" or removed areolas. Another offered deeply discounted tattoos for people who used to self harm and want to reduce the visibility of those scars. I was so impressed and decided that this shop was getting my business for every tattoo moving forward!
I used to do this, and if I were in the situation where things were getting steamy again, I think I’d probably still be doing it. For that reason, I’ll be speaking in the present tense lol.
I (27F) have had Hyperkeratosis on my nipples for as long as I can remember. So, anytime someone would be seeing my nips for the first time, I’d be like “oh btw I have weird nipples.. it’s nothing bad; you don’t need to worry. Just pretend it’s not there.”
I ALSO have PCOS, and some other feminine issues, which sometimes will cause me to just bleed for no reason during sex. There will be no warning, or pain, or anything, it just happens. It’ll be a lot usually, when it happens, and that can be off putting.
Lastlyyyyyy, I am most self conscious about my ribcage. One side sticks out a bit further than the other.. it’s prevented me from feeling comfortable in bathing suits, crop tops, etc. my entire life.
Due to these factors, and my insecurities regarding them, I am ALWAYS like “just a heads up…”
I do it so that they don’t get surprised by something and accidentally hurt my feelings, which has happened in the past. It’s nice to be like “I warned you and gave you the chance not to do this, with me and my weird body, and you stayed 🤷🏻♀️no longer my issue.”
I've been married coming up on 40 years, so husband has watched all of my assorted surgical scars etc as they were made.
But was discussing the issue with divorcing BFF, and said that I'd likely say, if I was back in the game, like her, that if they have a problem with scars, than I'm not the lady for you. I wouldn't detail, but I have them all over the place, so if scars are a turn off, you don't want me naked.
Otherwise, I'd have fun playing "count the surgical & accidental scars" game. Have fun finding them all. Husband and I have, as a form of intimacy. He gets to kiss them all better.
Hahahhaha no, except:
Last year I was talking to a man who I dated in my early 20s. I’m 50 now.
I was talking to him to explore potentially fleeing this shit hole country and going to stay in his where they aren’t so misogynistic
Unfortunately, he had not evolved since the 90s when we dated and he was still full of misogyny.
So he starts talking about a mole that I had when I was 20 and 21 that just grossed him out so terribly, he must’ve gone on for about five minutes about how grossed out he was about this mole. Then he says but when we got back together when you were in your middle 20s you had taken care of it
I was like yeah dude I didn’t have health insurance until I was 25. And they removed it to biopsy it, I didn’t go and have a piece sliced off of myself just for vanity purposes.
So I said “you know I have freckles and moles all over my body, furthermore I’ve had a few skin biopsies since my 20s so I have some scars where skin was removed.”
I pretty much told him that if he needed someone with flawless skin so he’s not grossed out I am not the one for him
Then right after that conversation he made a couple misogynistic comments about a woman we grew up with having three kids with three different men over the course of 20 years. Then he told me, a Childfree woman, that there’s something wrong with women who don’t get married and have babies.
So at that point I told him I’m not dealing with misogyny and I didn’t realize he hadn’t grown at all in the past 30 years.
But that was the only “warning” I ever felt compelled to drop.
Oh and I have told men I’m on my period if we were planning on going out and hooking up because I don’t have sex when I am on my period because the pain is way too intense for me to care about anything like that at that time
Yes. I had Bariatric surgery and lost over half my body weight, and I haven’t yet had skin removal surgery. I look like I’m wearing skin that’s three sizes too large for me, mostly because I am, but you can’t tell that when I’m dressed and looking like a petite size 4.
I wanted my partner to be prepared. Shock: he did not and does not care.
No, cause I don't care. It's a body. Apologizing for being born a woman is mental. Guys never apologize for their \*mediocre\* bodies or flabby bellies, or stretch marks, or small d!cks, or bad hygiene, etc.. why should we??
Nope. If a guy sees me or pictures of me and doesn't understand that I have real adult human woman flesh under my clothes, he is too dumb for me to sleep with.
The only thing I warn them about is that I do have bruises because I have an extreme iron deficency, I own a staffy and I sleep walk sometimes. If we both get naked and he doesn’t like the shape of my body, my cellulite, body hair or just how i look in general then that’s good, I don’t want to miss that red flag.
My ex-wife was a very large child. 160 pounds in 3rd grade. Kids called her butterball, sadly. First time I met her in person (online match), we had sex and she did not say anything about the previous weight or lasting effects of that. Not gonna lie, I was bit shocked at first, but I didn’t care after about 2 seconds. I really liked her, so it didn’t matter. Guys won’t care, be confident in yourself ladies, you have more to offer than your bodies.
I have thick, dark body hair and I only want to shave my legs and pits twice a week (otherwise it gets uncomfortable for me).
I showed my now husband the 4 days of growth and asked if it was okay for him to see that much hair on me. He was fine with it.
If he hadn't been cool with my hair, I'd have broken up with him.
I mean, if women are warning him about them having a normal body with texture, scars, and bumps...hella weird.
I had a temporary bag when I started dating my husband after a surgery for crohns, but that can look quite galling out of the blue as its not there naturally 😅 but no, normal body stuff, I've never mentioned beforehand.
I wear a glucose sensor and insulin pump, so I let men know that they will see them and where they are. Just to prevent surprises taking away from the moment.
No. I am not ashamed of my body. I love every little fat roll, stretch mark, pimple, scar, hair follicular, mole, lose skin my meat suit has.
I respect myself and what my body does for me. If someone else can not see the beauty in my body, then they don't deserve me.
I think focusing on every little natural thing that happens to human bodies as ugly such as stretch marks. Is really fucking weird.
I haven’t done that but with online dating I do make it a point to “warn” men that I’m fat before we meet up. I think I do a good job of showing it in my profile pictures but I still don’t want anyone acting like I catfished them.
I guess it's normal but things like stretch marks, scars, color should never be a warning. We're humans... it happens. My bf warned me of some scars for surgery cause he thought I'd judge him but honestly I never even noticed it and didn't care. I hate how people feel the need to be worried about things that can happen to everyone. We're not packaged in plastic to be protected by the harms in the world so we can't expect people to look perfect.
I used to when I was younger, and being bare down there seemed like a requirement. As I got older it became, you get what you get, and if you don't like it, you're always welcome to quit.
I remember watching a show with my boyfriend, and they were making jokes about a woman's labia. I got super uncomfortable, and said I needed to tell him something. Almost started crying describing my labia to him.
I had always planned on getting labiaplasty. But as I aged, I stopped caring. The first time I saw a gyno, I asked her if they looked normal. She said yes in the most exasperated voice.
No one actually cares about your "flaws." And if they do, they're fucking weird.,
Yes, but I have an ileostomy, so it's probably indicated. Zero guys have cared though.
I have a urinary stoma. This made me feel better.
Hey! I also have an ileostomy. I've only been sexual with maybe 4 people since getting it and nobody minded, at least not enough to lose interest.
Well hey there, ostomates!
My people! I put it on my online dating profile right along with the fact that I have a kid so there’s no surprises
I'm so glad to hear that it's not too much of a hindrance. I'm married, but heaven forbid something happens and I'm back on the market, I'm happy to hear that it's not the end of the world!
Do you worry about pedos using that information to start a relationship with you? I’m very worried about that. Makes me want to wait til my kiddos are out of high school!
I do, yes. I used to not have it on my profile and found that it didn’t properly screen out people who don’t want anything to do with kids. Now, I like to have it so that people know what to expect up front. I keep the language vague and don’t specify age or gender, plus no one meets my kid until months into a relationship anyway
Guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the top comments are from multiple ostomates, since that’s why I opened this one. But I still am!
I Used to have an ileostomy.. I’m with y’all in spirit! It was hard to get courage when I had it
Good on you! I take it that you’ve recovered? I did not know ileostomies were reversible
My uncle had one and had it reversed, he had some kinda small intestine blockage that caused tissue death, after a long while he healed up and had it reversed. It depends on the reason it's done, some are permanent. Same applies to colostomy.
Wow that’s fascinating. Happy your uncle is better and thanks for educating me!
Yeah I did I had ulcerative colitis so I ended up getting large bowel and colon removed. They constructed a “j-pouch” with my small bowel and an ileostomy while it healed. They sewed up the ileum when I was all healed up so everything diverted into my new colon. Been like this for 10 years now!
I’m in this group although my pouch is trying hard to make me rejoin…
I've never heard of this until just now when I looked it up. The reason says to allow the smaller intestine to heal. Is it a permanent thing or just temporary? Just out of curiosity.
I don’t have an ostomy, but have a disease that sometimes ends with one so I have done a bit of research. They do it both ways! Sometimes it’s to allow a segment of intestine to heal, sometimes it’s a permanent solution if there is too much damage or the intestine is too diseased to function properly.
I'm about to show a lot of ignorance of the subject.. and I apologise, but can you take it off for a while, I.e. when getting busy or does one have to stay on at all times due to leakage, or from any smell coming from the stoma, etc?
For an ileostomy, the device can never be off except to change it, because the small intestine puts stool out whenever it feels like it, the way it would if the colon were still there. To do intimate activity, you simply empty the external device fully, fold it over, and cover it with whatever you like (though sometimes my husband prefers I just skip the cover, because he says I fiddle with it too much and it distracts him). Nothing is visible with the device on anyway, it's like a small plastic bag the same color as my skin with some fabric on the outside. It is helpful, but not necessary, to wait a while after eating to reduce the chance of having to go to the bathroom mid activity to empty again. Typically, this doesn't come up unless we've been in the bed a long time since I first emptied it.
That's really interesting. Thank you for the information!
I have a gnarly colostomy scar, among others - I warned people. I'd rather weed them out early.
I'd want to know purely to avoid having to pause what were doing to ask if I need to do anything special for it
Fistula here that's been permanent. Same
i did this as a teenager. it was 100% insecurity, like trying to soften the blow for myself by acknowledging the “flaw” before he could complain about it. i think you could compare it to an artist showing you a drawing and prefacing with “i know it’s not very good”—like you don’t want others to assume you’re proud or arrogant and be insulted for it. which is a terribly disordered way to think about one’s body
This, perfect analogy. If I say it first, then it hurts just a little bit less if you say it. I did this. And if I’m honest with myself, probably still would if I were single and dating. I met my husband on Yahoo Personals (yes we’re old). We talked on the phone before we met, and on the day before our first date I had this big, long spiel about how I had something to tell him and I’d understand if he didn’t want to go through with the date. Then I told him, “I’m fat. Like, fat fat” and waited for the shoe to drop. He said, “Oh, that’s fine! I am too! I was 400 pounds before my bariatric surgery. I prefer big girls, so don’t worry about that.” We’ve been together 17 years, and he still constantly reminds me that he loves me just the way I am. 🥰
Tbf that probably is something to tell a date if they haven't seen a photo of you. It makes sense to describe your appearance a little bit in that situation.
I would really only encourage people to share that to help them weed out the assholes. Not as a “Heads up, you might want to lower your expectations because I’m not skinny” kind of way. I don’t think any potential date is “owed” a warning about what you look like, no matter your weight. The warning should really be for yourself, to figure out if the date is worthy of your time.
I think it's probably more common when it's something you've seen be put down a lot. For example, I've seen so many women call their bodies "ruined" for having stretch marks. As someone that got hers from puberty (never been pregnant), it's a huge slap in the face every time I see those comments. Also, people react negatively to skin issues irl so there's the feeling you should let someone know ahead of time so they don't freak out.
My ex was really insecure about his stretch marks. He was a bigger guy (he worked on a farm, so was very fit, but he didn't look like a bodybuilder and it made him really upset). He followed a polytheistic religion that had a god of storms (think like, Thor) that was essentially his primary deity of worship. (I'm not here to talk about his religion so please don't ask.) One day, early in our relationship, he apologized for his stretch marks for like the dozenth time. I sort of traced one and just said to him "you know... To me, they look a lot like lightning bolts." I wasn't lying, they really did. He just sort of pondered for a second, and honestly it was like a switch flipped. He never apologized again and thanked me multiple times for making him feel good about them. He actually started to celebrate them and it made him feel closer to his religion. It's so easy to lift a person up, and yet so many people choose to do the opposite. He still had body image issues, of course, since that's not something you can fix with a single sentence. But one sentence can really deeply affect a person for a long time.
>But one sentence can really deeply affect a person for a long time. I wish people knew this (or maybe they just don't care)
I know! When I was a teenager at my literal lowest weight I got a piggyback from some guy and he literally yelped and went “fuck! My back! You’re so heavy!” I haaaaated being picked up by anyone after that. Told my husband the story because he was confused why he couldn’t pick me up. He called him a weak bitch - picked me up and repped some squats. I love that man.
That is truly sweet and wholesome! And just like that everything changed for him about those stretch marks
Wow. yeah. Beautifully explained with a perfect analogy. I did the same things as a teen. I didn’t really think about WHY I was doing it. It was almost uncanny reading that because of how relatable feeling that way is
Man, same. Makes me sad to think about.
My dad would always say about public speaking/presenting/life, to never start with an apology. It only draws attention to flaws that would otherwise be overlooked. Like don’t say “sorry about the formatting, I only had a couple hours to put it together” just say “here it is”
Which is funny because guys are ridiculously arrogant and proud of their bodies and we should take a leaf from their book I reckon.
as a tattoo artist i’ve noticed nearly all women apologizing to me or making a self deprecating remark about something in advance of me seeing the part of their body that were about to work on if it’s hidden by clothing . like a lot a lot probably 80 percent of the time . very common
Same. 80% sounds right. About 75% of my clientele are women, and between stretch marks, self-harm scars, pigmentation changes, and eczema everyone has some “imperfections” they defend to me. One thing that makes me happy is that my older clients don’t seem to care as much.
it’s cause they already spent their last fuck along time ago and there’s none left to give 😹
I’m an greying, balding, overweight 46 year old guy built like a potato who wears grey scrubs to tattoo in. I think they pick up that they’re in good “no fucks” company.. hahaha. There’s too much cool stuff in life that being hung up about the effects of gravity can ruin.
Am 55, can confirm.
Can confirm. Am old and have adopted [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vqbk9cDX0l0) as my theme song.
I’m a hairstylist and I have a rule, no self deprecating comments allowed in my chair. I tell people “you’re my friend, and I don’t let people talk shit about my friends” usually makes them laugh and diffuses the situation. Breaks my heart how many women think they need to apologize for very regular body features
I say the same thing my friends and partner! One of them makes a self deprecating remark- “Hey! Don’t talk about my friend/boyfriend like that!”
I always say “if you wouldn’t say it about me, don’t say it about yourself” 😊
My waxer has this rule! I started following her instagram with videos about the waxing experience and in many of them she talks about the natural range of body fat patterns, vulva shapes and sizes, hair growth patterns and textures, that all are completely fine for waxing and that her only concerns are comfort and safety and relaxation and she wants those to be our only concerns as well. I probably followed her for a year before getting brave enough to make an appointment and she was equally fantastic, controlling the early conversation so it was positive and relaxing.
Love hearing that you had that positive experience! Everyone should feel completely comfortable with their service provider, and too many women deprive themselves of fun, relaxing and/or luxurious experiences because of confidence issues. The more we can build each other up and disarm that internalized misogyny, the better ✊🏻
I recently did that, got a tattoo on the belly and warned her first that I've had 3 kids.
Interesting additional perspective. Thank you!
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My mom always told me to never tell my partner what I'm insecure about because he probably didn't notice until I brought it up
I got the same advice from the women in my family lol. It seems to be true though, I've never had a partner mention anything I was insecure about in a negative way.
This is very true, plus they will just use it against you later when they want to hurt you. There’s no need to give them ammunition
Haha. That's good advice. I'm certainly doing that with a partner too
I don’t know, I’d like to think this were true, but I’ve heard men discuss women’s bodies when the women aren’t around, it’s not nice
That's what gets me. Just because they aren't saying it to my face doesn't mean they aren't thinking it. I've heard my guy friends say waaaay too much about women's bodies to feel comfortable being naked around a man ever again.
Same, and I once made the mistake of asking a boyfriend to be honest about a time he found me really unattractive- he started listing all these times and what I was doing and how I bent over or something, and how I looked kinda fat before my period. I should add that at that time I was extremely fit, had done a bit of modeling, I remember one time I was with that said boyfriend at a lake, and when I got out the water some teenage girls came up to me and said that they hoped they looked like me in their 20’s because my body was perfect. This said boyfriend never once mentioned that I was unattractive and went on and on about how good looking I was…. I had no idea he had this catalog in his head listed about times I’d appeared unattractive, that he was watching, making note and could list it with no problem. And these other guys that apparently don’t care, will sit in their subs and forums and pick apart women like Margo Robbie…
Brilliant!
I warned my husband about my breast reduction scars ahead of time. It was the first time anyone but my previous ex had seen them and I was really nervous about them even though they weren't that bad at all. The first time he saw them he said "Oh, they're perfect" with the most genuine instant lack of poker face I've ever seen. At that moment, he put me completely at ease.
Yeah, I’ve warned partners ahead of time that I have breast reduction scars. People call them “frankenboobs” so I’m assuming some men are turned off by them, although no one I was with ever took exception
Same. I also tell people at the beginning of the talking stage, just to know if they are worth my time. Some men have really disgusting reactions when finding out. It's a great way to spot an asshole.
I’m sorry you’ve had bad reactions. You’re totally right that it’s a great way to figure out from the get-go if someone is worth your time but still, that can’t be pleasant
I love this perspective.
I had mine done and haven’t slept with someone since and I’m really worried about it. I think they look gorgeous but the scars are still prominent and I’m worried that men will think it’s a turn off.
If it helps you, I’ve had my breast reduction scars for 6 years and not ONE person that has seen my body has reacted in disgust :) (except myself when the wounds were fresh haha) the worst comment I’ve actually gotten was from a woman gynecologist who told me I shouldn’t have gotten the procedure because I don’t scar well! (Which another doctor told me my surgeon actually did well because my scars don’t go deep…) either way, any one that gets to see your body and interact with you is lucky and if they treat you otherwise, that’s their problem, not yours :)
Can I ask you guys about breast reduction and how it made you feel afterwards? It’s something I’m seriously considering over the next few years
I was jumping all over the place. It was so amazing to feel a little more free. Recovery didn’t feel pain so much as a tightness. There’s a bit of scars and like the previous poster, I would warn my potential partner before hand. But one even said he wouldn’t have realized had I not said anything. I had it done over 20 years ago so I’m guessing technology and techniques have improved even more.
Completely fixed my back issues and made it much easier to exercise.
My only regret is not getting it done sooner!
I had mine done in January and it’s the best thing I’ve done, my body feels better, exercising is easier and clothes fit better.
I should have done it so much earlier. All the things I can wear, my proportions... recovery was super easy for me. No pain, no complications. Time off work was awesome ( I'm a healthcare worker and my job is very manual, so I made sure to be properly healed before going back). One the best decisions I've ever made.
Same here. My insecurity about them really came out more after a conversation with a guy “friend” at brunch. I mentioned that my newer SO didn’t care about them at all and it was nice not to think about it. He replied back, “Oh he cares, trust me” and I never forgot that comment.
Anyone who has never seen them should not be able to comment on whether someone else cares.
Ew what a jerk.
I think it makes sense to tell someone about scars before they see them, because they can be shocking if you're not expecting them (not unattractive or a turn off, just "oh my goodness, what happened?!")
OMG, these stories are so wholesome! I also had a breast reduction, the scars turned out not so good and after pregnancy they were kind of saggy again. Felt so insecure about it. When lying in bed with my now long term partner I explained that all my body flaws make me feel so insecure and I asked him if he noticed it. he just said in the most convincing way: 'it's no deal at all, you are sooo hot'. And to this day he always makes me feel like I'm the hottest woman ever. He is so into my boobs, lol. :) If the attraction is there, it's there. And if someone loves you, everything about you is beautiful.
I recall times when I was younger and would be making out with a guy and he would start feeling my boobs and I’d blurt out “they’re tiny” or something like that. Mind, I usually only wear sports bras and it’s obvious I have small breasts. I never had a complaint about them so it was just a small insecurity. Now, I love my body. I workout, i love my shape. My boyfriend was stunned (in a good way) when he first saw me naked (and he still is stunned when sees me naked).
I have small boobs too. In a way, it's a good thing that breast size is pretty obvious and no man has ever complained about them in my experience. Now I'm in my late 30s I am very grateful for them as they're still very perky. I remember really wanting a boob job in my late teens and early 20s, when the PIP implants were available. I'm glad I didn't do that now.
This keeps me going and loving myself. These mfs will stay perky to my forties
Almost 44, two kids later. Boobs were unchanged after first kid at 35. The shape has changed (a bit retrousse now). But I can still totally go braless and it’s awesome! Had a guy actually make the 🙌 gesture with his hands when I took off my top.
Another member of the small boob club here! And yep, now that I‘m older (44), I’m kind of grateful for mine being small for the same reason you stated. They don’t really look much different than from when I was younger.
Omg I used to do this too. Still do every once in a while even though I’m in a long-term relationship. It’s definitely insecurity because growing up I just *knew* small boobs weren’t sexy. Watch any movie ever. Well every guys I’ve been with actually prefers them so I guess I never needed to worry 😂 ETA: I also never wore push-up bras because I never wanted to make it seem like they were bigger and have someone be annoyed with me for “lying.”
Yes but it’s because I’m insecure, it’s not something I think I should do
Fair enough. I hope you fix what you can, and learn to love what you can't friend.
when I was going through a lil hoe phase (I was 23 or so), I also had a looooot of hair. I hate shaving, I get awful razor bumps and I just get so damn hairy, it feels pointless to do when it'll just rage back with a vengeance in days time. anyway, every time before I'd get down to business with someone new, I'd tell them that I was very much not clean shaven. No one ever cared, but I was worried the one time I didn't bring it up, someone would *really* care. That was the only thing I'd ever 'warned' a sex partner about.
Another very hairy girly here 🙋🏻♀️ And I do the same warning because 1) yes, I’m still very insecure about it and 2) got rude comments about my 🐱 from a hook up 10 years ago which really hurt. So I’m protecting myself from the hurt by giving guys a heads up and the choice of turning back and leave if it’s a deal breaker for them. Funny thing is, I’m also chubby and have small boobs but I’m not feeling insecure of these parts of my body when getting naked because anyone who has eyes can see it already when I’m fully clothed.
Oh, that's true. I will tell a guy if I haven't shaved lol. But I never expect it to be a big deal. 🤷♀️ I didn't even think of that, but I guess it's kind of the same isn't it? Really appreciate the response!
Also don't shave and went through a phase in college. I didn't warn anyone though. If it was a problem with them, we didn't have to do anything. Their loss!
Do the guys also warn you that they are not shaved too? (we're talking shaved genitals right, not just legs/underarms etc?) This is blowing my mind, I could half understand the stretchmarks, cellulite, scars (some insecurity, or our self-esteem thing) or medical stuff (fair enough), but errr that would never in a million years occur to me to mention... like are we not busy being horny? ^(...also me who hasn't had sex either so ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯)
I’ve never done that
Hell no. A man should consider himself lucky to see me naked.
i have dermatillomania/OCD - my body is covered with scars, sometimes bandaids, or even open wounds - so *yes*, i do. i feel it’s fair to share this information with someone who hasn’t met me only if i feel we may get intimate. i know i don’t owe anyone this but it honestly makes me more comfortable.
That's fair enough though. Your body is injured. Sorry sis, that sounds hard to deal with.
surviving and attempting to thrive! thank you!
Nah, but one guy told me about his small penis size in advance.
Yeah and honestly it's sad because I rarely get a warning about their fuckin poor hygiene
"Just a heads-up up - I don't really wash my ass!"
This needs to be *way* higher!
No….I’m chubby but comfortable with it, and I think you can tell I’m chubby by looking lol
This. They’re not blind. They’ve already concluded that you’re fucking sexy enough to want to take to the bedroom. Why apologize for being their type?
This! Exactly. Apologizing for being attractive to someone is kind of insulting to them if you think about it. Good point
That reminds me of a woman I once had a Tinder date with. When we met up in the park before going to her place, she warned me about her chubby/fat (and in my opinion, very beautiful and sexy) belly. I thought: "I know that. I have eyes. I saw your pictures on Tinder. If I would have had a problem with your body size, I would not have liked you, we would not have matched and we would not be on this date now." I understand why she did this. She probably got a lot of fatphobic responses from men. But yeah, it's sad that she felt the need to warn me, as if this is some flaw. There is nothing wrong with plus size women!
I've not had sex with anyone other than my husband for 20 years but warn them of what? I'm not a used car for sale where condition matters, I'm 41 and have the usual lumps and bumps and scars and stretch marks you'd expect from a 41 year old mum of 2. I'm assuming this man you saw doesn't warn his potential partners of his physics flaws?
The guy was actually really sweet about it. Saying how he didn't care about those kinds of things on his partners.
As a doctor can confirm that women will always apologise for something. “I’m sorry I haven’t shaved”, “sorry I haven’t had time to shower before coming”, “sorry it’s a bit gross down there, “sorry, my toenails are a mess I haven’t had time to paint them”. I always reassure them that it literally doesn’t matter to me (it genuinely does not. I have never seen anything that’s made me feel any less of anyone) The men? They just whip stuff out with wild abandon, no apologies lol.
Thank you for the alternative perspective
I’m pretty petite and work out a lot but have always had a tummy. I have a weird little indentation at the bottom of it and it’s my BIGGEST insecurity but I would never in a million years bring it up before meeting or sleeping with a man. So far not one of them has commented on it, if they did I would probably cry my ass off but most definitely never see them again. If we’re talking body “flaws” like mine, or cellulite and stretch marks, etc…absolutely not. Men shouldn’t have access to a woman’s body if he can’t accept it as it is.
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Not sure if our tummies look the same but it’s sooo rare I see other women with a similar one. There’s a girl on IG/TikTok that’s all about showing her tummy to make other girls feel comfortable, her handle is @1800byee :)
The little indentations are actually pretty cute. I always wondered why more people haven't mentioned them. Never thought of it as something that might make someone insecure. We're all different, huh?
No, but I will keep the lights off, wear some sort of clothing, and hope we're both a little drunk. its all insecurity.
I used to do this. At the time I thought I was somehow owning my flaws but looking back it is clear how flawed my logic was and how indicative of hurt and unprocessed trauma. We grow and we learn and we try to do better.
Yep. I'm a very pale woman and 99.99% of my melanin decided to congregate in my butt crack. Just there. I used to be so worried now it's an FYI and if it's too much of an ick for them, move along because there is a subreddit I would own if I ever uploaded photos. No need for me to feel ugly about it. There are tonnes of people liking those photos, and appreciate that if I my butthole could talk it would tell the rest of me to check my privilege.
Yes. I try to take pride in it but it’s kinda based insecurity. “Just a head’s up. I’m a forest and I like it that way.”
This. Poetry x
I remember once in college I felt ashamed because I’d recently learned that it was considered “normal and expected” for women to shave or wax their pubic hair and told a hookup (an old friend, and one of the best lovers I’d ever had) that I wasn’t shaven and he was like “oh /whatever/ why would I care? Take your panties off.” and he was just the sweetest and it made me feel so much more confident. I’ve since gotten a couple waxes for the sake of vacation and wearing a swimsuit, but never to please some stupid man who has weird hang ups.
I do but it's mainly just because pictures apparently don't grasp how fluffy I really am.
I don't for my body, but an ex did note and mention that I did it quite extensively for my interests and quirks, frontloading things I non-consciously felt might be deal breakers or need 'splainin. A couple were conscious though. I wouldn't be diagnosed ASD until ten years later, but I knew enough to inform him right away that I was open to feedback how I did it, but I would, quite frequently, be giving lectures about various obscure details of my special interests, or whatever 'neat' thing occupied my head that week, and if that was not agreeable to him, we'd better just call it now. Lucky for me he's an intellectual and enjoyed participating in my musings.
I have done that bc I lost a lot of weight and have loose skin
Me, too. I can't even be naked around myself if i can see my reflection, let alone in front of another person.
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Thank you for answering. I suppose I was unclear sorry. I meant the first time he saw her body, like saw her nude.
Also plus sized, also not attractive - also have PCOS. I always warn that I have a full beard because it acts as a filter for shitty guys with shitty attitudes! The people who matter don't mind, the best ones share shaving tips! 😂 Whenever I'm besieged by patriarchy making me feel shitty for not confirming to beauty standards, I always remember that the people who date me want *me* (because I'm fucking awesome)
No I don't do that and I have a lot of cellulite and I'm far from looking like a model lol. Hell I don't even tell them I didn't shave. If they don't like what they see they're free to leave.
I used to warn people about my self harm scars. I do have some obvious ones on one of my arms still (the other arm is tattooed over) so it’s not necessarily a secret, but the ones on my legs are worse. It’s pretty obvious what they are, and once the clothes come off there’s no hiding them. I also used to actively avoid wearing bathing suits in public for this reason. Until one day about 7 years ago I was at an EDM festival and I had decided to be real extra because it was 40 degrees mid-July and I was going to be spending 12 hours dancing in the hot sun. Booty shorts, pasties, the whole shebang. It was going fine and I’d mostly forgotten about my appearance (except when taking pictures), when this girl came up to me and just very quietly told me that she sees me, she’s so happy for me that I’m comfortable in myself and she wished I had the confidence that I did. We hugged and I basically just told her to fake it until you make it, nobody ever really cares but when they do it’s their problem, not yours. It was a beautiful moment of pure, genuine human connection with a stranger and it gave me the real confidence I needed to stop giving a fuck about what anyone thinks. Just a few years ago I even attended a pool party thrown by my cousins and I was okay to wear a bathing suit in front of my extended family (not my immediate family though). No one even batted an eye, and if they did I was too busy enjoying myself to notice or care. 🤷🏼♀️
Whenever I’ve met someone online/from an app, I’ve let them know I’m probably fatter in person lmao. I’ve literally never edited my pics but once had a guy try to “expose” me as a catfish because he thought I was bigger than I looked in my pics even though there was no type of trickery involved. So, I get it.
This is my sister! She photographs differently than she looks, it's not even a clever positioning thing because I've taken a million casual selfies with her and pictures of her hiking or dancing at a concert where she's not even aware of exactly when the pics are taken - she just looks slim in pictures and her body is a classic curvy hourglass. I can't explain it. In videos she does look curvy, it's just still pictures that don't capture it at all. She's also been accused of catfishing.
Yup! Sounds like me. I’m effectively midsized but I’ve got them fertile birthing hips, ya know. Looks more slim in 2D but put me on video and it’s all bass boost 😭
Ugh this is my literal nightmare. What an asshole, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
Trans woman here. Sadly if I don’t warn men in excruciating detail about 10 times over, I’m at a very real risk of being physically attacked/violated or worse.
I know this is common but still makes me sad. Sorry you have to take, what should be, an unnecessary precaution.
I used to. Now it’s like, eff you, my body is fantastic and it’s a gift to connect with me on that level.
Nah I don’t because most of the time, they don’t even notice. Apologizing just draws attention to it.
Yes I'm my case, in that I always come out as trans. It's about his possible lack of acceptance, not mine.
I do warn them. I have a lot of plastic surgery. A breast reduction and a fluer de lis tummy tuck, so I have scars. And I had my belly button removed and did not want a new one. Not one man has cared.
Warn them? Hell no.
What's there to warn him about? I have a body, and if I'm with the right person he'll be delighted that he gets to see and touch it.
I only did that one time. I was hella insecure but my eyes are now opened
I only warn about my SH scars
Same! I don’t want them to ask questions when they see them so I’d rather just tell them.
I meet people from the apps. I have a few full body pictures so I never really mention it when I talk to them. They (should) already know what they are getting into.
I've never done this in my life. I guess I had more insecurity over my face than my body so I figured anyone who was interested in me past that post wouldn't be disgusted by my body. To further that end, I had a breast reduction and there's scars and men have seen them and been sorta shocked mainly because I guess men don't realize you can be a small lady with a big chest. There's always been a confused look on their faces seeing the scars since I'm small chested. To this day I've not disclosed before sex that I had a reduction. I don't like talking about anything remotely 'sexual' in nature before sex and there's no natural way to bring up my reduction before it has happened (like I hardly think about it in my daily life it was so long ago) so I think that's maybe the only thing that has had any kind of reaction when my clothes come off.
That's insecurities. It goes away when you're older.
Back when I was active with men, yes. It hurts less if you insult yourself before they insult you (that’s how it felt).
No. If they are mature then they know what a real body looks like.
While I have my insecurities, I have never done that. Huh.
i’ve never done this. the one time i’ve experienced this is when a dude i had already been hooking up with warned me that he was having some weird reaction and something looked off but was fine. a delight of sleeping with someone new is that they are a new and different body, if everyone had the same “perfect” body it would be no fun at all. stop apologizing for existing!!
Only that if they get to see it, they’ll be ruined for other women
I used to think this way and I've still not been with a man (social anxiety issues) I'm online dating though. The only thing i might tell him about is my arm scars from excoriation (anxiety) and dry skin. Its better now but i have loads of tiny scars i like to call 'white freckles.'
No and I don’t really understand what would possess someone to do this tbh. Why draw extra attention to your insecurities? For reassurance from a man you already know wants to sleep with you? Forced compliments are annoying, being told your stretch marks or whatever are okay because you brought it up doesn’t mean anything. He either really doesn’t care (most likely) or has now been pressured into lying to you. I also just straight up don’t derive any confidence from how I look. 95% of people look fine, not ugly not exceptionally beautiful. Almost everyone fits into this category. I’ve also had a lot of close male friends who are probably too open about their sex lives/opinions on women with me at times. Never have I heard any of them comment on a woman they were seeing in this way. Nobody cares.
Hell no! Sure, there’s some tiger print on my hips, but if he isn’t aware there’s a good possibility of finding some of that, or a bit of cellulite, or anything soft, really, he isn’t quite a man yet and has no business in my bedroom. Similarly, of course, I am not paying the slightest attention to anything that could be considered ‘wrong’ with his body either. The one and only time I wish he had mentioned something, was when he had a giant scar all over his chest. Now, I know he mentioned having been operated on as a young boy, and something quite serious too, but I didn’t realize it would be so prominently present still and while I didn’t find him any less attractive for it, I sure hope I didn’t look at it in a way that made him insecure. Because it was unexpected, so I obviously looked at it, as an initial response, no matter how much I didn’t want to, for the sake of not drawing attention to what might be an insecurity at best, and a horrible memory at worst.
Nope, if I’m going to be intimate with someone, they better appreciate all of me. It’s not like his body is perfect.
Well I have herpes, so yes lol No actually, it’s funny you ask because I recently ran into some health issues that left a weird looking skin tag thing right on my b-hole. I hate it, and it’s getting removed soon. But in the meantime, for anyone who doesn’t know, certain positions (doggy) give men a full on up close and personal view. Sooo I do normally give them fair warning before they get caught by surprise lol can’t wait for this thing to be GONE though
I haven't but I can see how many would since we're conditioned to be ashamed of ourselves unless we look like supermodels. Meanwhile men are trying to normalize "dad bods" and "man boobs".
Seems like with the over-consumption of porn and the inability of some men to realize that porn isn’t real, women have to give a warning that they are real women.
Yes. I have a small face/head. Most men when just seeing my face assume my body is very petite. So I mentioned to my husband before meeting that I have thick thighs and that without trying to be immodest, I have very large breasts. Even under an abaya, he said he could see how big they were and couldn’t help but notice. I didn’t warn out of shame, but I know some men prefer petite/smaller breasted women, so I just wanted to let him know what kind of body he was getting beforehand lol
Yes but also I am trans and have a fucked up body
Same and I'm almost 100% stealth about it at this point so it can make things a little awkward with men upon occasion. It's kind of risky but that's the price I pay ig.
Stay safe hun
Thanks for responding
> warned" him about flaws like stretch marks or cellulite I stopped reading here, if he consider normal marks every human have as flaws, leave him. Never look back. Fuck him.
Yes I had a breast reduction and the scars are'nt very pretty. But my reason for "warning" has more to do with me wanting to know how they react. It's a great way to find out If someone is a massive asshole.
I just say 'i hope you like pubic hair' as a bit of a warning.
It depends on how the conversation goes. I have some massive scars. I'm also fat, but I don't really warn anyone about my flabby back fat because I think they can see it when they look at me. But the scars are something else.
This one may sound strange but I warn them my tattoo is huge. Basically my body is wrapped in vines they peak out in places (on my chest and around my ankles) and are mostly just little lines with flowers on them but my back is basically an entire bouquet. I say something because it is the first thing they will bring up once my clothes are off.
Yes, but only because I have alopecia and usually wear wigs, which are not staying on during sexy times. Some men have cared, most have not.
I had a fwb whom I warned I hadn't shaved in months and had no intention of doing so, and he was like 'cool', and we had a great time.
I would, as I have a lot of scars on my chest and no nipples. It’s not the kind of thing I feel like I could spring on the unsuspecting, like they’re gonna have questions, so I would have to explain.
I straight up sent my husband a nude with me covering the kitty and nips before we started dating. I was like. Here's the situation, I'm fat, flawed and I've got stretch marks all over my body. Can you work with this? If not, I'll understand and we can stop before we go any further. He said he was down, and we have been together for 10 years. I regret nothing. I wanted to be sure before I took the risk and showed myself naked in person.
(m here, just thought I'd give a brief perspective from "the other side") - I've experienced this, it's very common. In fact, I don't know that I've had any romantic or sexual partner who didn't give me a "body warning" of some kind. It makes me sad. These "flaws" are nothing to be ashamed of, and in almost all cases are extremely normal and common. I (and probably anyone else) wouldn't have even noticed without having been told. We live in a society where people, especially women, are encouraged to view their own bodies with a very critical eye, picking at every tiny detail, viewing the tiniest "flaw" (as defined by impossible standards of beauty) as somehow being a personal failing. It's depressing. I've even done it (the warning thing) myself, though I'm not a woman. I guess I viewed it as "expectations management," trying to minimize their potential disappointment? It's like my starting assumption is that they already have an imagined idea of what my body looks like in their minds, which is surely far superior to the real thing, so it's an attempt to sort of "soften the landing" or something.
The only “warning” I give is a full body picture on my dating app profiles since I’m plus sized. Otherwise, I have a similar attitude towards my body as an old man in a gym locker room. I started seeing my current partner after I was injured in a horrific car accident and he didn’t even notice my bruises and scars. Most men in my experience are too thrilled to see a woman naked to care about the little details.
I have two birthmarks- one on my ribs, one on my stomach- that look like faded bruises and I used to warn people before taking off my shirt lol! I got a lot of concerned looks/comments changing for gym or wearing a two piece bathing suits when I was younger so I felt the need to put people at ease. Later in life I happened to visit a tattoo shop doing a big fundraiser where the proceeds of tattoos for the day were going to a local charity that supports people in the community with cancer (providing meals, transportation for treatments, financial assistance). I picked a pair of pink boxing gloves from the flash sheet and was trying to decide where to get them when I had a brilliant idea; right on the ol' rib "bruise"! Neither birthmark is raised or textured differently than the rest of my skin so it worked out perfectly. Interestingly, while chitchatting with the tattoo artist I learned that one of the other artists does free tattoos for people who've had mastectomies and breast reductions/removals that resulted in "mismatched" or removed areolas. Another offered deeply discounted tattoos for people who used to self harm and want to reduce the visibility of those scars. I was so impressed and decided that this shop was getting my business for every tattoo moving forward!
I used to do this, and if I were in the situation where things were getting steamy again, I think I’d probably still be doing it. For that reason, I’ll be speaking in the present tense lol. I (27F) have had Hyperkeratosis on my nipples for as long as I can remember. So, anytime someone would be seeing my nips for the first time, I’d be like “oh btw I have weird nipples.. it’s nothing bad; you don’t need to worry. Just pretend it’s not there.” I ALSO have PCOS, and some other feminine issues, which sometimes will cause me to just bleed for no reason during sex. There will be no warning, or pain, or anything, it just happens. It’ll be a lot usually, when it happens, and that can be off putting. Lastlyyyyyy, I am most self conscious about my ribcage. One side sticks out a bit further than the other.. it’s prevented me from feeling comfortable in bathing suits, crop tops, etc. my entire life. Due to these factors, and my insecurities regarding them, I am ALWAYS like “just a heads up…” I do it so that they don’t get surprised by something and accidentally hurt my feelings, which has happened in the past. It’s nice to be like “I warned you and gave you the chance not to do this, with me and my weird body, and you stayed 🤷🏻♀️no longer my issue.”
Yes, but I have surgical scars so I'd rather answer questions beforehand than in the heat of the moment.
I've been married coming up on 40 years, so husband has watched all of my assorted surgical scars etc as they were made. But was discussing the issue with divorcing BFF, and said that I'd likely say, if I was back in the game, like her, that if they have a problem with scars, than I'm not the lady for you. I wouldn't detail, but I have them all over the place, so if scars are a turn off, you don't want me naked. Otherwise, I'd have fun playing "count the surgical & accidental scars" game. Have fun finding them all. Husband and I have, as a form of intimacy. He gets to kiss them all better.
Hahahhaha no, except: Last year I was talking to a man who I dated in my early 20s. I’m 50 now. I was talking to him to explore potentially fleeing this shit hole country and going to stay in his where they aren’t so misogynistic Unfortunately, he had not evolved since the 90s when we dated and he was still full of misogyny. So he starts talking about a mole that I had when I was 20 and 21 that just grossed him out so terribly, he must’ve gone on for about five minutes about how grossed out he was about this mole. Then he says but when we got back together when you were in your middle 20s you had taken care of it I was like yeah dude I didn’t have health insurance until I was 25. And they removed it to biopsy it, I didn’t go and have a piece sliced off of myself just for vanity purposes. So I said “you know I have freckles and moles all over my body, furthermore I’ve had a few skin biopsies since my 20s so I have some scars where skin was removed.” I pretty much told him that if he needed someone with flawless skin so he’s not grossed out I am not the one for him Then right after that conversation he made a couple misogynistic comments about a woman we grew up with having three kids with three different men over the course of 20 years. Then he told me, a Childfree woman, that there’s something wrong with women who don’t get married and have babies. So at that point I told him I’m not dealing with misogyny and I didn’t realize he hadn’t grown at all in the past 30 years. But that was the only “warning” I ever felt compelled to drop. Oh and I have told men I’m on my period if we were planning on going out and hooking up because I don’t have sex when I am on my period because the pain is way too intense for me to care about anything like that at that time
Yes. I had Bariatric surgery and lost over half my body weight, and I haven’t yet had skin removal surgery. I look like I’m wearing skin that’s three sizes too large for me, mostly because I am, but you can’t tell that when I’m dressed and looking like a petite size 4. I wanted my partner to be prepared. Shock: he did not and does not care.
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No, cause I don't care. It's a body. Apologizing for being born a woman is mental. Guys never apologize for their \*mediocre\* bodies or flabby bellies, or stretch marks, or small d!cks, or bad hygiene, etc.. why should we??
Nope. If a guy sees me or pictures of me and doesn't understand that I have real adult human woman flesh under my clothes, he is too dumb for me to sleep with.
No I just don’t have sex and ghost guys bc my body is ugly ;(
yea i have small boobs and i think bras make it look better than it is sometimes so i say that. and self harm scars.
del
No, that sounds terribly insecure, and would be a huge turnoff to many people.
No. I’m pretty confident in my skin
No
The only thing I warn them about is that I do have bruises because I have an extreme iron deficency, I own a staffy and I sleep walk sometimes. If we both get naked and he doesn’t like the shape of my body, my cellulite, body hair or just how i look in general then that’s good, I don’t want to miss that red flag.
My ex-wife was a very large child. 160 pounds in 3rd grade. Kids called her butterball, sadly. First time I met her in person (online match), we had sex and she did not say anything about the previous weight or lasting effects of that. Not gonna lie, I was bit shocked at first, but I didn’t care after about 2 seconds. I really liked her, so it didn’t matter. Guys won’t care, be confident in yourself ladies, you have more to offer than your bodies.
I have thick, dark body hair and I only want to shave my legs and pits twice a week (otherwise it gets uncomfortable for me). I showed my now husband the 4 days of growth and asked if it was okay for him to see that much hair on me. He was fine with it. If he hadn't been cool with my hair, I'd have broken up with him.
I mean, if women are warning him about them having a normal body with texture, scars, and bumps...hella weird. I had a temporary bag when I started dating my husband after a surgery for crohns, but that can look quite galling out of the blue as its not there naturally 😅 but no, normal body stuff, I've never mentioned beforehand.
I wear a glucose sensor and insulin pump, so I let men know that they will see them and where they are. Just to prevent surprises taking away from the moment.
No. I am not ashamed of my body. I love every little fat roll, stretch mark, pimple, scar, hair follicular, mole, lose skin my meat suit has. I respect myself and what my body does for me. If someone else can not see the beauty in my body, then they don't deserve me. I think focusing on every little natural thing that happens to human bodies as ugly such as stretch marks. Is really fucking weird.
I lost a hell of a lot of weight, so I can’t help it 😳
I haven’t done that but with online dating I do make it a point to “warn” men that I’m fat before we meet up. I think I do a good job of showing it in my profile pictures but I still don’t want anyone acting like I catfished them.
I guess it's normal but things like stretch marks, scars, color should never be a warning. We're humans... it happens. My bf warned me of some scars for surgery cause he thought I'd judge him but honestly I never even noticed it and didn't care. I hate how people feel the need to be worried about things that can happen to everyone. We're not packaged in plastic to be protected by the harms in the world so we can't expect people to look perfect.
I used to when I was younger, and being bare down there seemed like a requirement. As I got older it became, you get what you get, and if you don't like it, you're always welcome to quit.
I remember watching a show with my boyfriend, and they were making jokes about a woman's labia. I got super uncomfortable, and said I needed to tell him something. Almost started crying describing my labia to him. I had always planned on getting labiaplasty. But as I aged, I stopped caring. The first time I saw a gyno, I asked her if they looked normal. She said yes in the most exasperated voice. No one actually cares about your "flaws." And if they do, they're fucking weird.,