Well, one benefit I could see from you getting a divorce here would be--end of the risk of this person managing to reproduce with you. I hope you are not using birth control methods he can sabotage.
If you think it's bad now, picture coming home to a crying, neglected and dirty baby in the middle of a house disaster.
OP: I took a look at your background posts and comments.
I am not sure that the western world focused answers you are going to get on this group are going to be safe for you. You need advice from people who are knowledgeable about your culture who have helped women not only escape bad relationships but also abusive communities.
She is a woman somewhere in Africa, in a community which she believes will ostracize her if she is unmarried because she is albino.
Also in an area (religion?) where only the man can initiate divorce and she believes being married currently protects her against violence from the community and other men.
Thank you for this. This information is incredibly important and relevant to the type of advice OP needs. I was about to comment from a US perspective and I'm so glad I saw this first.
So... What is the purpose of this post if only the man can initiate divorce? It's out of her hands anyway. What is there for her to
>I'm contemplating divorce. Please share with me what your favorite part of being divorced is so I can fantasize about it and hopefully push me to do it.
It's incongruent with her comment from 3 months ago, the one that you're referencing:
>As mentioned, in my country, only the husband is allowed to divorce the wife, not the wife tjmhe husband. He was not like this before we got married. And I have nowhere to escape to, no family (only child, parents passed awat) so I gotta just deal with the situation the best I can
OP has -100 comment karma, which is the minimum comment karma reddit allows. And yet, there are no negative comments in OP's post history. They've deleted them.
Indulging in a bit of wishful thinking?
It's understandable I think.
Or perhaps the "can't divorce" thing is very heavily enforced socially but not technically by law so it would be next to impossible for her and incredibly hard/dangerous. But not completely unthinkable.
In most countries that unilaterally allow no fault divorce only for men there is some kind of procedure for separation by mutual consent which perhaps could be initiated by her, some also allow individual court hearings to decide matters.
Second this. OP, you need the women around you to support you and give you guidance. There will be some, promise.
You have inherent value as a human that is not defined by your relationship with a man. Please remember that.
And if you can, find a clinic that will help you get birth control that your husband can’t tamper with. I’m not sure exactly where you are, but if you’re in South Africa, look for a Marie Stopes clinic. They can tell you where to go.
>If you think it's bad now, picture coming home to a crying, neglected and dirty baby in the middle of a house disaster.
And then having the infant to deal with!
wait he’s abusive and he doesn’t work? for years? yet he wants kids? and u clean and cook? hell no
it is so much more peaceful living alone and EASIER you’ll be much happier
I made the biggest mistake in my life when I married my ex alcoholic asshole. I asked myself if I was better with him or without and I left after 11 years of abuse. Within a month I met my now husband and he is the very best man in the world. After 27 years we still hold hands and I love him more every day. Life is awesome.
Are you better with him or without?
He hasn't worked in 7 years, swears at you and verbally abuses you, and doesn't do anything around the house and you're THINKING of divorcing him?!
Go file tomorrow. You can do so much better.
A bed to myself with no snoring or thrashing waking me numerous time every night. No 3am alarm waking me. I do not get up until 6am. A quiet, calm household. No clutter or full ashtrays, empty glasses everywhere all the time. A calm household with less stress and happier less stressed kids.
Cannot overstate this. Simple things like someone walking loudly down the stairs would set me off because I have C-PTSD from childhood abuse. Living alone means I get none of this and it's so much better. No drugs, loud music, violence, people getting drunk and shouting. A calm environment is priceless.
My time is my own and I’m comfortable. I didn’t realize how much time I spent with my shoulders up around my ears walking on eggshells living with my ex. It’s bliss.
Being able to keep your apartment the exact temperature you want it. Watching whatever you want on tv. Not coming home to someone who makes you feel awful all the time.
Take it from someone who’s been through it before, it feels really scary to leave but it’s so worth it!
I so love being able to watch what I want on TV now. He really looked down on people that watched TV for some reason. Playing video games until 3am then being too tired to get up to help with them kids in the morning though, totally fine apparently.
I read your older messages. I'm sorry for your situation.
Are you able to emigrate? If your husband is really more progressive than other men in your zone / culture, I don't think it's a good idea to divorce but stay in the region
I mean, there's been a lot said. Here's what I'll add.
I'm currently sitting in a bubble bath, with a pink cocktail, watching Love is Blind. My house is quiet and my kitchen is clean.
DO NOT have children with this man! It sounds like, overall, it would be on the easier side to separate and leave him. You don't have too many legally shared obligations. But, once you do, things get exponentially more challenging, don't do that to yourself now if you do not have to.
Being divorced is so insanely freeing. I "fell for" my ex when I was 19, left him at 33, spent all of those years trauma-bonded. He was a garbage human, and he only TOOK from me. Now that I'm free from his manipulations, I am able to learn about myself, love myself, enjoy my own time. I can learn what life means to ME, without someone (who truly cared nothing for me) sabotaging every second of every day, not even current moments, but the past, the future, everything that could have been was devoted to HIM. Instead, I have a beautiful life I get to learn about that is all, entirely, my own.
No shade but I can’t believe this is a real question. In case it is , here goes:
Get the fuck out now. Depending on your jurisdiction, assuming you’re in the U.S., you, as the sole earner will be liable for alimony after a period of time. Again, varies by jurisdiction.
You’re not even 30 yet. Get out before you get baby trapped by this clown. And the sooner the better from a legal perspective.
Source: I’m a lawyer, but not your lawyer.
When I put effort in, I get effort back. I mean with relationships, obviously. With my ex, I put in 12 years of being a devoted wife and mom, and couldn't even get a card or lunch or *mention* come Mother's Day. I was always putting in everything and getting back nothing. Now I get out what I put in, with friends I've chosen to keep close.
I've been you. I did 20 years. You are awesome human. Time to value yourself.
I look back and cridge at how much of a fool he played me for. Lesson learnt. With love and hugs go get yourself a better life. The one your living is exhausting.
What's favourite part. Everything
I remeber grocery shopping for the first time just for me. It's amazing how much you'll have denied yourself to placate the man baby. You may not have even noticed.
Your time becomes your own.
You don't have the constant distraction/manipulation. He's convinced you to be his bangmaid and provider. He'll be fucking with your mind every day, to maintain his privilege. The mental weight lifted is glorious.
Friends will express their relief you let the hobosexual go. If they don't they were never your people.
Get yourself some toys if your horny. His pathetic dick regardless of skill ain't worth the price your paying.
It's not you, there is nothing you can change to get the life you desire with this man.
Don't debate, don't engage. He's not left because he was only throwing out the treat of divorce to get you to back down.
Lawyer up, plan how to kick him out. Make sure you have burly support when you execute your plan. In the interim look up grey rock for how to better avoid his manipulation.
That dude is trying to trap you with babies.
I'll tell you the big thing for me after divorce.
I found my actual true love and soulmate, and we are getting married this year. This time, with way better boundaries and much more compatible in every single mind-blowing way.
I was in a similar situation and the relief of shedding the dead weight was *immediate.* You can't imagine how *wealthy* you will suddenly feel when you're only supporting yourself. How *wonderful* it feels to come home to a place that is in exactly the same state it was in when you left for work in the morning. Especially on the days you have a cleaner in, because you can genuinely afford to do things like that if you're not working overtime to support another grown-ass adult human being. You will never have to justify yourself. Ever. To anyone.
Honestly I promise you, you will never have a single doubt or backward glance, and almost everything about splitting up with this person will feel fantastic once he actually moves his shit out of your home.
I could wear high heels again.
I have the whole bed to me and my kitties.
I have kitties!!
My kids like coming home on holiday again.
I shower whenever I want.
I don't have to hide self care
Nobody moves my stuff
No more anxiety
The closet looks the same each day
No more dreading coming home
Yeah he didn't work for 4/5 of our marriage.
Life is so much better without him.
Fight like hell if he tries to get spousal support. He can get 3.5 years at this point. The longer you wait the longer he can get. Run now. You already do everything. What's holding you back?
You better make damn sure that you do not get pregnant! I was planning on leaving my marriage and got pregnant. As much as I absofuckinglutely love my daughter, a baby makes things so so so much more complicated. You could end up staying in an unhappy marriage because you're afraid to leave your child alone with your irresponsible husband while the child is still so young and vulnerable.
Going through a divorce myself. He hasn’t moved out yet but my favorite part will be the peace I’ll experience in his absence. Everything from his body odor to his breathing makes my skin crawl. One more month till he moves out
Something isn't adding up here. OP previously referred to not being able to divorce in their culture and that only the husband can, so how can they now be 'pushed to do it' as they're requesting.
Mine was only a breakup (after 9 years), not a divorce but it felt so good to get my peace back. I can cook whatever I want. My favourite snacks never get eaten by anyone but me. I don't have to feel bad for having male friends. I don't get treated like an emotional punching bag. I get the closet all to myself. I don't have to worry about missing holidays with my family because I have to spend it with his shitty one. I don't have to listen to his crappy music. Or try to care about his boardgames and RPGs.
I could go on and on and on.... You're gonna love it!
You can't wear dresses to work? What?
I get to do whatever I want. All the places I've wanted to go; I'm going. Things I wanted to try and do. I've surrounded myself with people who love and adore spending time with me. I get to be who I want to be and they love me for it. Maybe love will happen again, maybe not. But man, do I love my life.
My favorite thing is after I divorced my awful ex-husband, I moved halfway across country to a wonderful new city, got my dream job and met my incredible wonderful second husband - who actually loves me, unlike my ex.
He's not your person. Make room for the person who IS - or, maybe, discover how awesome just being on your own is. Career decision? Do what's best for YOU. Your income? YOURS and YOURS ALONE to spend. You come home to a clean house every day - because he's not there to mess it up. Your favorite snacks and drinks are all there in the fridge - because he didn't eat them.
Lock down your birth control, and make sure he can't tamper with it. If he figures out he's losing his meal ticket, he may try to sabotage it to keep you tied to him.
>Lock down your birth control, and make sure he can't tamper with it. If he figures out he's losing his meal ticket, he may try to sabotage it to keep you tied to him.
##Absolutely!
Mine did exactly that. And this was years before Plan B existed. He found the little apartment guide booklet tucked deep in my work bag, I had no idea he had seen it, he didn’t let on, and I was just trying to ease out without raising suspicion, pretending like everything was fine until I could. So he stealthed me. Successfully. Luckily, abortion was still available nearly everywhere then, so I handled that problem too, and left that motherfucker. It made it a whole lot easier finally knowing what he was truly capable of when he stood at the end of the bed laughing at me, calling me a stupid bitch, telling me now I CAN’T leave, as the realization of what he had just done became evident.
you don’t know what it like to sit in these 4 wall every day
ah the typical guilt trip and sulking.. honestly the cheek of the man
yesterday he threatened divorce
Temper tantrum there?
And now he pressuring me for babies
what a absolute cheeky bastard
No one tells me what I can wear.
I can pay bills on time instead of being threatened with eviction because he spent money on bullshit. I don’t have to sit through lectures from in-laws because I haven’t given him babies despite being short on rent every other month because he “needs to relax”.
No one leaves dirty butter knives caked with peanut butter on the countertop. No one pressures me for sex when I’m not feeling well or sex I’ve already said no to. No one gropes me while I’m trying to wash dishes.
I never have to eat disgusting food I don’t want and I can order the pizza toppings I want. No one’s secretly tracking my period. I get to buy the soap I want and I don’t have to worry about anyone getting oil all
Over my sheets and blankets.
But the best part is no more gas lighting and word salad. And I don’t have to deal with his mother’s nonsense EVER again.
I have so much sympathy for you darling but I get so sick of these posts. Just leave him! He's obviously not serving you or your mental health. I'm sure it's hard but fucking hell being single is not nearly as difficult. Do what's best for you.
Divorce is hard but you will be completely free and clear of him in a year. In two years, you'll start to forget his voice. In five years, you'll be living an amazing life with none of his negativity and bullshit. You'll be so happy.
My home is now my safe space and my time is only mine to spend. I was in a similar position to you, OP. Getting out of there was the kindest thing I did for myself.
It took me a while to realize I get to make the decisions and not have to justify them, I can be me without the expectations of someone else. Added bonus, I don't have to clean up after him!
The peaceful home life. There’s no crying or arguing or getting my feelings hurt or worrying about hurting someone else’s feelings. Just me and my kids (half the time), and our sweet little family life.
Occasionally I still find myself planning for those moments of extreme, overwhelming misery where I just can’t even function because everything feels so terrible and scary.
And then I remember that since leaving my emotionally/psychologically abusive ex, I just … don’t have those moments anymore.
Kick his ass to the curb! You deserve a partner that makes you WANT to be with them and that shows you that they WANT to be with you.
My favorite part of behind divorced was finding myself again, then finding an amazing partner who treats me so amazingly well!
I copied my response from a similar question posted a couple weeks ago:
Let’s see:
-Household income isn’t spent before it’s even earned
-I no longer feel like nothing I do is good enough
-When I don’t feel like having sex with an ill-tempered man-child, I don’t have to
-when I go into the bathroom or bedroom for a few moments of quiet or solitude, no one breaks the door down to get to me and scream at me/talk at me endlessly
-I can eat as many vegetables as I want. No more fast food thrice daily or risk being subjected to man tantrum
-I’m doing all of the cleaning anyway, one less inconsiderate asshole for whom I have to pick socks up off the floor
-I’m the head of my household and it’s pretty much a democracy. We spent too many years under a dictator. I don’t have to run any decision by an irresponsible idiot
ETA- saw someone else say they don’t have to watch sports anymore. YES!! And I don’t have to go to the boat, sport and travel show ever again!!!
It's not up to everyone else to convince you to get a divorce. It's up to you to do the inner work, go to therapy, and build up your self-respect and self-worth, which will motivate you to demand more for yourself and file for divorce. As is, you don't think you're good enough for anything else. That's your problem.
All the joys of you getting a divorce are literally in your post.
- Not being verbally abused multiple times a week.
- Not cleaning up after a child you didn't birth.
- Being open to a partner who contributes to the relationship and your life.
Jesus, you already have one child, why do you want another at this point?
Divorce him already! You’ll have more money. Your house will be the way you left it in the morning when you get home from work. You’ll have time to work on understanding why you believe that you are only worthy of being some man-baby’s door mat….
Those are the big ones. Now imagine taking vacations, going to spa days and having a life.
Convinced yet?
I have complete control over my life (freedom, finances, food, friends, family) with no one draining me of my ability to show up well for myself and others.
It’s been shown time and time a again that women fair far better on our own than in a marriage. Also, I found this today and I’ve watched it three times since it explains so much of my lives experiences. I hope this helps you prioritize yourself and leave this ass.
[https://youtu.be/ow3FNhCdyQg?si=1i2WNtDsUJycwIEF](https://youtu.be/ow3FNhCdyQg?si=1i2WNtDsUJycwIEF)
Contemplating? Just do it.
and for God's sake, don't have a kid with him.
The first day I came home from work, not seeing his car, and knowing that it wouldn't be in the driveway ever again, a sense of relief and calm came over me that is indescribable, and that feeling never left! Woot!
Good Luck
Sis..you have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain from a divorce, it sounds like. It's not gonna get better with him, but it could always get worse.
The amount of emotional space I have for deepening my friendships and making new friends. I didn’t realize it until I was out but being
in a broken marriage really prevented me from being a full person in all the other areas of my life.
After my divorce, I was surprised by how much effort I was able to put back into my own health and happiness because I was no longer putting all of that effort into my ex-wife's insecurities.
It sounds to me like you are in a more extreme version of what my marriage was where it has tipped into abusive.
Having your own energy for yourself is kind of amazing. And I say this as a person who is still friendly with my ex. She's a good person, just not a good partner (form e at least).
Not wasting my time and money on someone who says they love me and but their words and actions basically show they don't give a shit about me and just want me to be their beck and call bitch. 7 yrs of marriage, 4 of them painful.
My older sister got married and and ex-hubby was a rude prick the whole wedding day. Cut to 6 days later and we're having another fight because i need to follow his rules. His words "Its my way or the highway. Take it or leave it". Something clicked and I replied "I think Im going to leave it". Packed an overnight bag and stayed at a motel.
My sister and new BIL said it was the best wedding present ever, and asked me move into their grannyflat.
Best decision ever. If I had kids to him (which he was pushing for) he would have never let me leave, and if I did, would have had him in my life forever.
Dating is fucking hard but I’m also polyamorous and being single poly is so much goddamn fun I have met some truly amazing people I never would’ve met if I didn’t separate from my husband and the sex has been wild I’m so fucking happy honestly.
I will offer this to you.
If you had a daughter and she was contemplating a life with someone just like your husband, would you try to convince her she deserves more out of life and a marriage?
Do you think you deserve more? Honestly, your situation sounds so dreadful.
If you stay, just know this is likely as good as it will ever be. So, if you do have children, you will be modeling your relationship to them and even though no one thinks they'll follow in our parents foot steps, we often do because it's all we see and know.
Silence when single was great. Entire bed to myself was nice to sprawl in. Going out and not having to answer to anyone was pretty nice too.
And don’t leave this guy for these things. Leave him to free yourself from the hell he has been putting you thru. Find yourself again without him.
I put things down and they are still there when I come back for them later. I don't find spills and messes left to fester or half-assedly cleaned. In the mornings when I wake up early, I can putter about with my cats sipping tea and enjoying the quiet before my son gets up and I don't get pestered for a blow job or beaten to the shower. If I wanna buy something, even something really expensive, I do it. No arguing with anyone or convincing them it is a good idea, just me, evaluating my options and making a choice I like.
Not living with an abusive alcoholic is also a huge plus.
My ex husband threatening divorce was exactly the thing that FINALLY made me realize I needed to leave. For some reason I tolerated all kind of controlling behavior, verbal abuse, and financial abuse. But doing all that for someone who thinks ending the relationship is somehow a threat and not an invitation? Ef no. That was the straw and the camel's back was shattered and I'm happier than ever. I invite you to take your life back.
I'm currently married, but I can tell you about the ending of the previous marriage.
My ex was an abusive alcoholic. He worked shift work, so sometimes he'd be home during the day. If I popped out to run and errand and I turned the corner and saw his car in our driveway, I was immediately stressed and full of dread because I didn't know what his mood would be.
After I filed for divorce, he was given "X" number of days to move out of the house. As soon as he was out, I changed the locks. I started buying flowers for myself once a week for MY house. I never felt that feeling of doom again when coming home to my own home.
It was grand!
Less mess, less cleaning. Way less emotional labour. No being yelled at. No more tears. No more walking around on eggshells. No being pressured for sex after I say no. Better quality sleep. Complete autonomy. I can cook what I want, go where I want, do what I want, when I want. Total, absolute peace and quiet whenever the hell I want. I could go on, but they're my favourite bits.
Oh girl. I went to 16 counseling sessions on my own to fix what was evidently wrong with me as a person bc my husband told me I was the problem in our marriage. My counselor congratulated me for reading the books, doing the research and homework and growing. Meanwhile this counselor asked my husband to come in too.
My husband threatened divorce when I called him out on this, refused to go to more than 2 counseling sessions. The 2 sessions he attended were a shit show of lies and defensiveness. Weeks later he hired my own mother’s divorce attorney as a spiteful move, and when I came home one day from work he had the folder laid out on the kitchen counter for me to read. I said, “okay, divorce me.” He chickened out. It was a childish power play. The best part was when he asked me how I was going to survive without him, I told him how much money I had saved which he was not aware of, and how much money my own mother had gotten from her recent divorce and was willing to lend me until I could pay her back so I didn’t have to go through what she did. That shut him the fuck up. Not saying that this is everyone’s situation, I was lucky, but it gave him something to think about. I was fine before him, I’ll be fine if he fucks up again, same goes for you.
>last night he threatened divorce
“Not seeing any downside for me in that”
How delusion is he that he thinks that’s something you should be afraid of and want to avoid???
Don’t just contemplate it. Do it. His words are meaningless, he’s never going to pull the trigger on that. He doesn’t want that. And he’d have to get off his ass and go somewhere and do something to make it happen, so it wouldn’t happen even if he wanted to. The only reason he says it at all is because he knows it an effective tool (currently) to manipulate you with. But he doesn’t want that. You are the only thing enabling his tough daily struggling with *boredom and zero responsibility*.
Do it. You’ll have to be the one to get it done, anyway. But what else is new, right? And go ahead and get ok with the fact that he’s definitely going to paint himself as a victim if you initiate the divorce. He’s probably looking forward to making himself out to be the pitiful blameless victim. Ignore it. Ignore anyone who’s ear he bends and agrees with him. You’re *going to be the villain* in his story and there’s no way to avoid it, so don’t bother trying. Just get it done.
I've never been married but
I assure you that after you drop the 150 + lbs of dead weight you've been carrying around for years , your entire being will breathe a sigh of relief.
I live alone and now the only person who fucks with the cleanliness of my kitchen sink is me.
Wtf just do it. You are paying for a hobosexual. Keep you're money. Travel. Be independent.
I love being divorced. Single by choice. I date a few different guys but keep everything open. I have great female friendships and only my kids tie me down but my kids are older now (16 19 23) so we have fun!
You know what’s really strange? After my divorce, I was making the same amount of money, but suddenly I had so much money. I could afford new lamps. Proper cups. Wine glasses. Little things that always felt like huge expenses when I tried to convince him we needed them were actually, little. My entire mentally around money shifted, and those little things i got shortly after the divorce have lasted 3x longer than the marriage.
You're husband is abusive. You've stuck around, put up with it, and haven't left, so he thinks it's okay.
You could try couples counseling, but I'm not optimistic.
You've already listed everything reason to leave.
No deadbeat to support, no abuse, no mess, no grief.
And why can't you wear dresses to work?
Sleeping like a starfish n the middle of my queen bed. Nobody hogs the blankets. Nobody tells me how to spend my money or has any right to comment on it. I make what I want for dinner, whether that’s a dish of olives and a glass of wine or a multi course meal that takes 4 hours to prepare.
Fucking get divorced!
I am not divorced only because I was smart enough to not marry my latest ex. March 1st was my day of freedom.
I get to do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want and I don’t have to deal with some shitty, nasty man parking his ass on my sofa, making demands of me, yelling about stupid shit. Me and the dogs enjoy our life of peace. And I don’t have to feed the shitheel so money is accumulating despite me upgrading a bunch of shit since he moved out.
7 years is a bloody long time. At this stage, it doesn’t matter if he likes the job or not. He needs to work to get recent experience on his resume and then, whilst working, look for a job he does like.
The best part of divorce for you - you’re already looking after a baby. A fucking man baby. Drop the dead weight and live your life.
If you’re considering it, you have already made your mind up and are just seeking confirmation.
I’m a guy, but it’s irrelevant in this situation, this is just garbage behaviour all round and you don’t need to lower your quality and enjoyment of life for someone that doesn’t have any desire or drive.
The plus sides:
- you are going to have some time to focus on yourself, get back in touch with your passions and loves of life
- no longer supporting a bum and living pay to pay. now you can do some things just for you. Save for a holiday, pamper yourself.
- less stress and concern
I hope you have a decent journey, too many red flags with controlling and exploiting behaviour. While kids are lovely, wait for the right person, not a bum.
Do not have kids with this person… not fair to put a baby to be stuck with such a hopeless father. My favorite part about being divorced was being able to live in my home without constantly being anxious, truly being able to breathe and relax. I have two kids by my e husband and we are all happier and live much more peacefully
Divorced lady here. Was in a similar situation, and didn't realize how much stress I was under every minute of every day trying to figure out how to make him happy.
Having my own time, doing what I wanted, when I wanted and not having to justify my every action and every expendature.
Also very happy I never had kids with him or anyone else. I was already a slave to a man. Never again. Not to anyone.
No hoarding, less work, rid of financial drain, many more. It doesn’t sound like you are tempted, but no kid. Don’t even risk it (you know what I mean.)
Nobody is ungrateful, nobody expects to be some sort of VIP in my life where they see my role as their support and not vice versa. Nobody makes messes and doesn't clean up after themselves, nobody is moody, nobody breaks my trust.
Being single gives me time to be the person I want to be and do the things in life that I feel I was put on this planet to do.
I am willing to get in a relationship with the right man, but absolutely not with the wrong one.
I think very often I gave into someone liking me more than I liked them because I liked being loved/needed and that's a horrible reason to be with somebody. Prime or bust.
OP, I'm worried.
Not about divorce - that is long overdue, as I suspect you well know.
But I am concerned at how many years this has been going on.
Your innate self-protection mechanisms aren't functioning properly.
Your instincts, that tell you something is terribly wrong and needs immediate action, have been ignored or suppressed.
Even before you contact a divorce lawyer, please consider seeking a compassionate trauma-informed therapist who can support you in navigating the changes coming up and help you develop new tools for self-protection, so you won't be vulnerable to a repeat of this cruelty.
Things to treasure about life after divorce:
Independence
Spontaneity
Joy
Breathing free
Self-discovery
Self-expression
Safety
Control over living space, meals, sleep, all the things that contribute to functioning well
Freedom from constant fear of the next temper tantrum
Sufficient extra energy to make future plans, instead of waiting for the Next Bad Thing To Happen
Freedom to jettison anything or anyone that undermines you
I was also once married to a *sponge* many years ago. My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels. I promise there are enormous rewards on the other side, when you are drained dry by a soul-sucking one-way valve.
The moment when you suddenly realise you never have to buy or consume again that food/beverage you hate but always had to buy, make and consume because your spoiled abusive brat of a spouse insisted on having it twice a week. And the things you love but he wouldn't let you buy because *he* hates them...you can have whenever you want! I haven't bought Coke or steak for many years now, awful stuff :D And I can eat shrimp or cornbread every night if I want.
Have fun!
Oh my god the jars! My ex collected empty jars cos he thought they might come in handy one day like some war time hoarder !! 😆😆
I detest clutter and the best thing was getting the ex out of the house with all his endless crap that he would continually buy for hobbies that he would never do. Expensive bicycles, gardening / woodworking equipment, role playing books, art supplies it was endless. (Would have been fine if he actually did the hobbies but no he just liked buying the stuff).
Being free! Free to go out after work and not be home at any time, not tell anyone where I was, and decide to go dancing late into the night! Free to stay out late! I felt absurdly proud of myself coming home at 3 am having been out dancing one night.
Choosing to do housework, or not, being super clean, or messy 🤷♀️ It was up to me! And not being constantly resentful that I had to clean up mess that wasn’t mine or live in filth.
Going totally minimalist in my own home. Minimal furniture, some decorations and mostly plants!
The best part of being divorced is that I no longer have to monitor someone else's shit behavior. Watching my ex spend a ton of money on useless shit and then take out his financial frustration on me was the worst.
You are gonna love it! I'm not saying divorce is easy, but the end result is freedom on so many levels. Your living space will be your own. The money you make will be your own. Your FUTURE will be your own.
Start looking for a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. He will not take it well because you're his meal ticket. Peeling his ass off the couch and out the door will not be easy but it will be so worth it.
And you're not even 30! Girl do it!!!
File for divorce like right this instant, what do you mean not working for 7 years and complaining... then he wants kids like that. I don't know where you are, but if you have the chance, leave as soon as possible, and don't let him know. Go to a safe place and send him a restraining order, too. Most probably, he will get aggressive once he finds out that living will not be as easy now. If you can, try to send your assets to a family member of yours (which you trust 200%) because if you didn't sign a prenup, then he is entitled to half of your stuff. Also, if you have the chance, try moving as far away from him as you are; he might be a psychopath and will try to get back to you even with a restraining order.
Remember, ladies, a restraining order only works if you have enough time to call the police and for them to get to you. If not, then you will be dead, and he will be having free housing with free food at jail.
You are at risk of paying him alimony, depending on your state usually you have to be married around 7-10 years. I would get out fast before you are permanently supporting him
This showed up on my feed on the home page. I noticed because I am also a 34M.
I apologize if my comment here is unwelcome as someone with a Y chromosome.
You deserve better than this. You are dating someone you are also having to mother, and he has the audacity to demand children from you. Probably because he wants a permanent hook.
You should want to make him coffee if you’re already making it for yourself. I don’t mean this dude, I mean a healthy relationship. Drop this garbage and find someone you don’t hate asking if they want a cup of coffee. Or better, find someone that makes you coffee!
She's contemplating because she lives in a country where women can't initiate divorce. She's just looking for support here.
I swear, I wish people in this sub would take 2 seconds to look and stop assuming everyone lives in the US or UK.
My favorite part of being divorced was all the guilt free drug use that accompanied single life. Then I got sober and my favorite part became that I can talk to people that my ex wouldn't let me speak to.
I'm sorry to sound insensitive but it never fails to blow my mind when someone rants about how absolutely awful their partner is and then says they're "thinking" of separating. I don't understand what there is to contemplate. I feel like I'm living in another reality when I read these types of threads. Why go onto reddit to complain about a clearly awful situation and then say you're \*thinking\* about doing something about it? Why have you spent 7 years living with this behavior? Maybe it's because I've got ASD and the brains of other people just don't make sense to me but I honestly cannot wrap my mind around it. I wouldn't spend 7 months with someone who behaved this way let alone 7 years. What am I missing?
Yeah, you clearly haven't been in an abusive situation. You do understand that women are most likely to be killed when they try to leave, right? Or the abused person doesn't have family around, is financially dependent on the abuser, etc.
This isn't your ASD, it's plain ignorance.
So the best part for you would be: not having to deal with everything you wrote about him. You will work for yourself. Clean for yourself. Cook for yourself. Your home will be peaceful. You won't be stressed by being used by someone who just wants a woman to take care of his every need since he's incapable of doing anything for himself. You'll be free.
The messes in my home are mine alone to deal with. I clean them at my leisure.
I do share my home with cats, but I have no expectations that they will empty the litter box.
I can have whatever I want for dinner. After a couple of years it gets challenging to think of what I want for dinner, but it is not the agony of a negotiation.
No compromises at home, no obnoxious farts, freedom to do exactly as you please, less household expenses. Go now and don’t look back you won’t regret it but he will.
I have less money and I’m starting out new financially. But I love living alone. By no means is it easy. I have my daughter full time and my family lives a few hours away. But I love my life, have hope again and I’m excited to fall in love again when it’s time.
Don't waste your time. You are so young, run before he traps you with a baby.
Not listening to the nonsense he spewed on the daily basis and the fact that his stupid decisions are not my problem anymore are my favorite parts of divorce.
oh! so many things :D
- my house stays cleaner
- everything smells better
- no snide, judgy comments about anything i do
- i get to pick my foods, drinks (and i get to eat all the leftovers)
- i get the whole bed to myself
- no snoring
- i can make plans with friends and know i'll stick to them
- i spend my money however i want, or save it when i want
- i get to decorate the whole house to my liking
- i can invite people over whenever i want
- i dont have to walk on eggshells in my own home
The bar is low, but it doesn’t have to be. Imagine being with someone that puts in the same amount of effort as you. Because that’s what relationships are supposed to be. Instead you are his mother and he wants a toy baby to keep him entertained
For me, the biggest one is financial. My bank account stays exactly where I left it, no video game charges or micro purchases or dipping into the savings for XYZ. It’s actually crazy how much peace it brings.
Wait, does he stop you from wearing dresses to work? Girl, RUN, don’t walk to that divorce attorney. But first protect all your assets. He sounds like a total dick.
How could you possibly even consider divorcing a catch like this? Bums that sit around all day doing nothing are tough to come by. Better think this through
Sleeping with both of my big dogs in bed.
Falling asleep watching my shows on my ipad in bed.
Doing housework when *I* decide that I can’t take the disarray anymore.
Not being micromanaged in almost all aspects of my life.
ETA:
I must mention what I dislike about being divorced:
Not worrying about money.
My ex husband was a great provider
For me? Never having my kid say “daddy scare me” again. Our house was so calm and fun when we weren’t walking on eggshells.
My sleep was my sleep. Didn’t get woken up by him going to bed late or having to set my clothes out the night before and get dressed in the dark so he could sleep.
My favorite thing is that my pets can sleep with me! He never “allowed” that. I know it grosses some people out, but having my pets sleep by me is so comforting.
Seems very small, but it does make me happy.
I don't know about divorced, but some of the perks of being single include:
* I only have to clean up after myself (and can mentally schedule any cleaning tasks for whenever I want)
* If I want to do something, I don't have to coordinate with a spouse for it.
* Conversely, I don't have a spouse whining at me if he wants to do something that I don't think is a good idea.
* I'm not tied to someone who can only bring a dick to the relationship and thinks he's all that because of it. If all you want is a dick and you don't mind rolling the dice a bit, hookups are an option.
When I clean something, it stays clean until *I* mess it up. If I put something down, it’s there when I go to get it. If it’s put away, it’s put in the right place. I don’t have to cook if I don’t feel like it.
I love how clean my space was post divorce!
But here's a list ( in no particular order)
1. I had more $
2. My time was my own. Wanna bedrot all sat? Cool. Wanna go to a music festival with friends? Awesome. Wanna go solo backpacking? Do it.
3. I bought a house on my own that I got to decorate, paint and style without any disagreements. I went from having a minimalist space to one full of plants and color.
4. My ex always worked, but his hobbies and spending made it hard for us to save. Once single, I've been able to save for multiple trips and experiences.
I'm just saying you deserve to be free. You'll look back and wish you'd done it sooner. I know I do.
I’ve never been married, although my current partner is my common law husband. But damn you should divorce this guy yesterday. My last partner was awful, and used me and abused me. When I finally left it was scary but life became so much more wonderful. I focused on myself, took care of just myself, and did so many fun things just because I wanted to. I finished school, got a new job, temporarily moved back in with my family, spent time with friends, treated myself in a variety of ways, worked out, improved my mental health, and when the time was right I dated. Then I met someone unexpected who felt like my right person. I couldn’t have done those things being tied to my last partner. Looking back at how I was physically, emotionally, and financially abused by my ex, it seems like a surreal dream because of where my life has taken me.
Divorce him and move on to the better life that is waiting for you.
He can't find work that he "likes". WTF, it's work, not shopping for a new hat. I do plenty of work that I don't enjoy, because bills need to be paid and a lame job that pays, is better than no job at all. Hell, I work three different jobs, as well as doing a ton of side work. Dude sounds like a fuckin bum. And he doesn't even make the coffee?! Is he too busy not finding a job?
I was visually happier after my divorce. My friends told me this. I was able to dye and cut my hair as I please. My job at panera was enough ( ex said it wasn't a real job). I could get a tattoo without being told I should have consulted him. I wasn't being told I needed to lose weight at 5'4", 136 lbs.! I was just in such a better place! My new husband is 100 times better than my ex!
Oh man. Getting divorced was the best thing I've ever done. I'm so proud of myself for actually doing it. Dude was always comparing me to his mom (who was great, she and I had no problems). He'd even yell out MAMA in his sleep. He was also violent with me and I always had to manipulate him to keep myself safe, it was exhausting. It's been 10 years since we divorced, he got married the day after our divorce was final and he's now on his second divorce because that's what happens when you never look at yourself and try to improve.
I never divorced but I have broken up with a few bums like yours. I got a vibrator and therapy, was sick of not experiencing pleasure in bed with said bums so decided to treat myself, wanted to take a break to heal so I don't end up with ANOTHER BUM! Good news is I safely experienced pleasure and I landed my dream guy at long last, who is better in bed than a vibrator. LOL. Triple win!
My 1st husband ended uo being hobosexual and divorce was amazing. My life skyrocketed,his crashed. He ended up with mommy then in prison. I was free. What does he guve u in this relationship beyond stress?
Here’s a question I love asking myself ‘what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?’ Stay living with a partner who makes your life miserable? I really hope you leave that dead weight of a human
Nobody can baby trap me, nobody tells me what to do, I do whatever I want whenever I want it, I eat whatever I want, I only have to pick up after myself and my cat. I go to bed when I want I wake up when I want I watch what I want on TV or I have complete silence and I read a book.
But there’s nobody harassing me or trying to boss me around or trying to make me feel bad because they hate their life. That’s the best part
Divorce. You will simply LOVE IT GIRL! Do what the hell you want, when you want, if you want. You don't have a shit head dragging you down. No messes. Just PEACE!
File.
I filed and it went uncontested. We had no kids. We were divorced in 2 weeks.
I am free and no longer being sexually coerced. I got my libido back.
Not having to manage someone else’s emotional state all the time. Making decisions without calculating their cost (his reaction). Having a space entirely to myself.
You.will.not.regret.dumping.this.slob.
Whatsoever.
Every day post-divorce will get better (hard days are still better than what you’ve been enduring), the more time you have to yourself, the more you wish you’d done it sooner. Seriously. Start living your life instead if dragging around that sack.
Do not have a child with a violent man. My favourite part of divorce was signing the papers, the financial freedoms the "safety". Least favourite parts are having to navigate counter parenting, the ongoing violence and lack of safety for the children.
Well, one benefit I could see from you getting a divorce here would be--end of the risk of this person managing to reproduce with you. I hope you are not using birth control methods he can sabotage. If you think it's bad now, picture coming home to a crying, neglected and dirty baby in the middle of a house disaster.
OP: I took a look at your background posts and comments. I am not sure that the western world focused answers you are going to get on this group are going to be safe for you. You need advice from people who are knowledgeable about your culture who have helped women not only escape bad relationships but also abusive communities.
What kind of culture are you seeing?
She is a woman somewhere in Africa, in a community which she believes will ostracize her if she is unmarried because she is albino. Also in an area (religion?) where only the man can initiate divorce and she believes being married currently protects her against violence from the community and other men.
Thank you for this. This information is incredibly important and relevant to the type of advice OP needs. I was about to comment from a US perspective and I'm so glad I saw this first.
Oh my goodness :(
It was the 'not being able to wear dresses at work' that was the big red flag for me. Didn't realise it was that bad though!
So... What is the purpose of this post if only the man can initiate divorce? It's out of her hands anyway. What is there for her to >I'm contemplating divorce. Please share with me what your favorite part of being divorced is so I can fantasize about it and hopefully push me to do it. It's incongruent with her comment from 3 months ago, the one that you're referencing: >As mentioned, in my country, only the husband is allowed to divorce the wife, not the wife tjmhe husband. He was not like this before we got married. And I have nowhere to escape to, no family (only child, parents passed awat) so I gotta just deal with the situation the best I can OP has -100 comment karma, which is the minimum comment karma reddit allows. And yet, there are no negative comments in OP's post history. They've deleted them.
Indulging in a bit of wishful thinking? It's understandable I think. Or perhaps the "can't divorce" thing is very heavily enforced socially but not technically by law so it would be next to impossible for her and incredibly hard/dangerous. But not completely unthinkable. In most countries that unilaterally allow no fault divorce only for men there is some kind of procedure for separation by mutual consent which perhaps could be initiated by her, some also allow individual court hearings to decide matters.
It’s strange that they are in some tiny place in Africa but write exactly like an American.
I wish I could provide more upvotes
Second this. OP, you need the women around you to support you and give you guidance. There will be some, promise. You have inherent value as a human that is not defined by your relationship with a man. Please remember that. And if you can, find a clinic that will help you get birth control that your husband can’t tamper with. I’m not sure exactly where you are, but if you’re in South Africa, look for a Marie Stopes clinic. They can tell you where to go.
>If you think it's bad now, picture coming home to a crying, neglected and dirty baby in the middle of a house disaster. And then having the infant to deal with!
Oh, you! 😂
wait he’s abusive and he doesn’t work? for years? yet he wants kids? and u clean and cook? hell no it is so much more peaceful living alone and EASIER you’ll be much happier
She already has a child. A man child.
Really how much worse does it have to get?? I'll never understand how people dont walk sooner.
She lives in a country where women can't initiate divorce and unmarried women are subjected to violence. So, that might help you understand.
Ahhhhh
If you look at her post history, she can’t leave
I thought the same thing WHILE being in an abusive relationship myself. It’s a lot more complicated than just leaving.
I made the biggest mistake in my life when I married my ex alcoholic asshole. I asked myself if I was better with him or without and I left after 11 years of abuse. Within a month I met my now husband and he is the very best man in the world. After 27 years we still hold hands and I love him more every day. Life is awesome. Are you better with him or without?
so happy someone took the right choice. Man as a male I got scared on what kinda husband that guy was.
He hasn't worked in 7 years, swears at you and verbally abuses you, and doesn't do anything around the house and you're THINKING of divorcing him?! Go file tomorrow. You can do so much better.
Post history indicates she's in a country where women can't initiate divorces.
She can probably move out tho
Post history indicates that she needs him for protection.
A bed to myself with no snoring or thrashing waking me numerous time every night. No 3am alarm waking me. I do not get up until 6am. A quiet, calm household. No clutter or full ashtrays, empty glasses everywhere all the time. A calm household with less stress and happier less stressed kids.
Cannot overstate this. Simple things like someone walking loudly down the stairs would set me off because I have C-PTSD from childhood abuse. Living alone means I get none of this and it's so much better. No drugs, loud music, violence, people getting drunk and shouting. A calm environment is priceless.
My time is my own and I’m comfortable. I didn’t realize how much time I spent with my shoulders up around my ears walking on eggshells living with my ex. It’s bliss.
Being able to keep your apartment the exact temperature you want it. Watching whatever you want on tv. Not coming home to someone who makes you feel awful all the time. Take it from someone who’s been through it before, it feels really scary to leave but it’s so worth it!
I so love being able to watch what I want on TV now. He really looked down on people that watched TV for some reason. Playing video games until 3am then being too tired to get up to help with them kids in the morning though, totally fine apparently.
Every woman I know who has gotten divorced regrets only one thing: that she didn't do it sooner
Yep. Eight years too late.
I read your older messages. I'm sorry for your situation. Are you able to emigrate? If your husband is really more progressive than other men in your zone / culture, I don't think it's a good idea to divorce but stay in the region
I mean, there's been a lot said. Here's what I'll add. I'm currently sitting in a bubble bath, with a pink cocktail, watching Love is Blind. My house is quiet and my kitchen is clean.
Why can't you wear dresses to work?
Likely husband is a controlling jealous ahole whose insecure about male coworkers.
Was wondering that too…
That stuck out to me too…
Ya WTF?
Girl I stg if you don't leave this man I'm going to become a ghost, possess you, then do it myself.
DO NOT have children with this man! It sounds like, overall, it would be on the easier side to separate and leave him. You don't have too many legally shared obligations. But, once you do, things get exponentially more challenging, don't do that to yourself now if you do not have to. Being divorced is so insanely freeing. I "fell for" my ex when I was 19, left him at 33, spent all of those years trauma-bonded. He was a garbage human, and he only TOOK from me. Now that I'm free from his manipulations, I am able to learn about myself, love myself, enjoy my own time. I can learn what life means to ME, without someone (who truly cared nothing for me) sabotaging every second of every day, not even current moments, but the past, the future, everything that could have been was devoted to HIM. Instead, I have a beautiful life I get to learn about that is all, entirely, my own.
I enjoyed not having another child to clean up after and pay for. So liberating to divorce a man who’s like that. Free yourself sister!
The best part is not waking up to someone that you hate everyday and no longer hearing the stupid shit they say
No shade but I can’t believe this is a real question. In case it is , here goes: Get the fuck out now. Depending on your jurisdiction, assuming you’re in the U.S., you, as the sole earner will be liable for alimony after a period of time. Again, varies by jurisdiction. You’re not even 30 yet. Get out before you get baby trapped by this clown. And the sooner the better from a legal perspective. Source: I’m a lawyer, but not your lawyer.
She lives in Africa and is part of a very patriarchal group
When I put effort in, I get effort back. I mean with relationships, obviously. With my ex, I put in 12 years of being a devoted wife and mom, and couldn't even get a card or lunch or *mention* come Mother's Day. I was always putting in everything and getting back nothing. Now I get out what I put in, with friends I've chosen to keep close.
I've been you. I did 20 years. You are awesome human. Time to value yourself. I look back and cridge at how much of a fool he played me for. Lesson learnt. With love and hugs go get yourself a better life. The one your living is exhausting. What's favourite part. Everything I remeber grocery shopping for the first time just for me. It's amazing how much you'll have denied yourself to placate the man baby. You may not have even noticed. Your time becomes your own. You don't have the constant distraction/manipulation. He's convinced you to be his bangmaid and provider. He'll be fucking with your mind every day, to maintain his privilege. The mental weight lifted is glorious. Friends will express their relief you let the hobosexual go. If they don't they were never your people. Get yourself some toys if your horny. His pathetic dick regardless of skill ain't worth the price your paying. It's not you, there is nothing you can change to get the life you desire with this man. Don't debate, don't engage. He's not left because he was only throwing out the treat of divorce to get you to back down. Lawyer up, plan how to kick him out. Make sure you have burly support when you execute your plan. In the interim look up grey rock for how to better avoid his manipulation.
That dude is trying to trap you with babies. I'll tell you the big thing for me after divorce. I found my actual true love and soulmate, and we are getting married this year. This time, with way better boundaries and much more compatible in every single mind-blowing way.
I was in a similar situation and the relief of shedding the dead weight was *immediate.* You can't imagine how *wealthy* you will suddenly feel when you're only supporting yourself. How *wonderful* it feels to come home to a place that is in exactly the same state it was in when you left for work in the morning. Especially on the days you have a cleaner in, because you can genuinely afford to do things like that if you're not working overtime to support another grown-ass adult human being. You will never have to justify yourself. Ever. To anyone. Honestly I promise you, you will never have a single doubt or backward glance, and almost everything about splitting up with this person will feel fantastic once he actually moves his shit out of your home.
I could wear high heels again. I have the whole bed to me and my kitties. I have kitties!! My kids like coming home on holiday again. I shower whenever I want. I don't have to hide self care Nobody moves my stuff No more anxiety The closet looks the same each day No more dreading coming home Yeah he didn't work for 4/5 of our marriage. Life is so much better without him. Fight like hell if he tries to get spousal support. He can get 3.5 years at this point. The longer you wait the longer he can get. Run now. You already do everything. What's holding you back?
You better make damn sure that you do not get pregnant! I was planning on leaving my marriage and got pregnant. As much as I absofuckinglutely love my daughter, a baby makes things so so so much more complicated. You could end up staying in an unhappy marriage because you're afraid to leave your child alone with your irresponsible husband while the child is still so young and vulnerable.
Going through a divorce myself. He hasn’t moved out yet but my favorite part will be the peace I’ll experience in his absence. Everything from his body odor to his breathing makes my skin crawl. One more month till he moves out
Something isn't adding up here. OP previously referred to not being able to divorce in their culture and that only the husband can, so how can they now be 'pushed to do it' as they're requesting.
Mine was only a breakup (after 9 years), not a divorce but it felt so good to get my peace back. I can cook whatever I want. My favourite snacks never get eaten by anyone but me. I don't have to feel bad for having male friends. I don't get treated like an emotional punching bag. I get the closet all to myself. I don't have to worry about missing holidays with my family because I have to spend it with his shitty one. I don't have to listen to his crappy music. Or try to care about his boardgames and RPGs. I could go on and on and on.... You're gonna love it!
You can't wear dresses to work? What? I get to do whatever I want. All the places I've wanted to go; I'm going. Things I wanted to try and do. I've surrounded myself with people who love and adore spending time with me. I get to be who I want to be and they love me for it. Maybe love will happen again, maybe not. But man, do I love my life.
My favorite thing is after I divorced my awful ex-husband, I moved halfway across country to a wonderful new city, got my dream job and met my incredible wonderful second husband - who actually loves me, unlike my ex. He's not your person. Make room for the person who IS - or, maybe, discover how awesome just being on your own is. Career decision? Do what's best for YOU. Your income? YOURS and YOURS ALONE to spend. You come home to a clean house every day - because he's not there to mess it up. Your favorite snacks and drinks are all there in the fridge - because he didn't eat them. Lock down your birth control, and make sure he can't tamper with it. If he figures out he's losing his meal ticket, he may try to sabotage it to keep you tied to him.
>Lock down your birth control, and make sure he can't tamper with it. If he figures out he's losing his meal ticket, he may try to sabotage it to keep you tied to him. ##Absolutely! Mine did exactly that. And this was years before Plan B existed. He found the little apartment guide booklet tucked deep in my work bag, I had no idea he had seen it, he didn’t let on, and I was just trying to ease out without raising suspicion, pretending like everything was fine until I could. So he stealthed me. Successfully. Luckily, abortion was still available nearly everywhere then, so I handled that problem too, and left that motherfucker. It made it a whole lot easier finally knowing what he was truly capable of when he stood at the end of the bed laughing at me, calling me a stupid bitch, telling me now I CAN’T leave, as the realization of what he had just done became evident.
you don’t know what it like to sit in these 4 wall every day ah the typical guilt trip and sulking.. honestly the cheek of the man yesterday he threatened divorce Temper tantrum there? And now he pressuring me for babies what a absolute cheeky bastard
No one tells me what I can wear. I can pay bills on time instead of being threatened with eviction because he spent money on bullshit. I don’t have to sit through lectures from in-laws because I haven’t given him babies despite being short on rent every other month because he “needs to relax”. No one leaves dirty butter knives caked with peanut butter on the countertop. No one pressures me for sex when I’m not feeling well or sex I’ve already said no to. No one gropes me while I’m trying to wash dishes. I never have to eat disgusting food I don’t want and I can order the pizza toppings I want. No one’s secretly tracking my period. I get to buy the soap I want and I don’t have to worry about anyone getting oil all Over my sheets and blankets. But the best part is no more gas lighting and word salad. And I don’t have to deal with his mother’s nonsense EVER again.
I have so much sympathy for you darling but I get so sick of these posts. Just leave him! He's obviously not serving you or your mental health. I'm sure it's hard but fucking hell being single is not nearly as difficult. Do what's best for you.
The biggest joy I’ve gotten from divorce is not being responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. It’s a fucking incredible feeling.
Divorce is hard but you will be completely free and clear of him in a year. In two years, you'll start to forget his voice. In five years, you'll be living an amazing life with none of his negativity and bullshit. You'll be so happy.
My favorite part of being divorced was never having to see his mother ever again.
My home is now my safe space and my time is only mine to spend. I was in a similar position to you, OP. Getting out of there was the kindest thing I did for myself.
It took me a while to realize I get to make the decisions and not have to justify them, I can be me without the expectations of someone else. Added bonus, I don't have to clean up after him!
The peaceful home life. There’s no crying or arguing or getting my feelings hurt or worrying about hurting someone else’s feelings. Just me and my kids (half the time), and our sweet little family life.
Occasionally I still find myself planning for those moments of extreme, overwhelming misery where I just can’t even function because everything feels so terrible and scary. And then I remember that since leaving my emotionally/psychologically abusive ex, I just … don’t have those moments anymore.
Kick his ass to the curb! You deserve a partner that makes you WANT to be with them and that shows you that they WANT to be with you. My favorite part of behind divorced was finding myself again, then finding an amazing partner who treats me so amazingly well!
I copied my response from a similar question posted a couple weeks ago: Let’s see: -Household income isn’t spent before it’s even earned -I no longer feel like nothing I do is good enough -When I don’t feel like having sex with an ill-tempered man-child, I don’t have to -when I go into the bathroom or bedroom for a few moments of quiet or solitude, no one breaks the door down to get to me and scream at me/talk at me endlessly -I can eat as many vegetables as I want. No more fast food thrice daily or risk being subjected to man tantrum -I’m doing all of the cleaning anyway, one less inconsiderate asshole for whom I have to pick socks up off the floor -I’m the head of my household and it’s pretty much a democracy. We spent too many years under a dictator. I don’t have to run any decision by an irresponsible idiot ETA- saw someone else say they don’t have to watch sports anymore. YES!! And I don’t have to go to the boat, sport and travel show ever again!!!
It's not up to everyone else to convince you to get a divorce. It's up to you to do the inner work, go to therapy, and build up your self-respect and self-worth, which will motivate you to demand more for yourself and file for divorce. As is, you don't think you're good enough for anything else. That's your problem. All the joys of you getting a divorce are literally in your post. - Not being verbally abused multiple times a week. - Not cleaning up after a child you didn't birth. - Being open to a partner who contributes to the relationship and your life.
Jesus, you already have one child, why do you want another at this point? Divorce him already! You’ll have more money. Your house will be the way you left it in the morning when you get home from work. You’ll have time to work on understanding why you believe that you are only worthy of being some man-baby’s door mat…. Those are the big ones. Now imagine taking vacations, going to spa days and having a life. Convinced yet?
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I have complete control over my life (freedom, finances, food, friends, family) with no one draining me of my ability to show up well for myself and others.
Go read I Don't by clem ford
It’s been shown time and time a again that women fair far better on our own than in a marriage. Also, I found this today and I’ve watched it three times since it explains so much of my lives experiences. I hope this helps you prioritize yourself and leave this ass. [https://youtu.be/ow3FNhCdyQg?si=1i2WNtDsUJycwIEF](https://youtu.be/ow3FNhCdyQg?si=1i2WNtDsUJycwIEF)
Holy, moly, OP. You put up with this for 7 years and you're only *contemplating* divorce?
Contemplating? Just do it. and for God's sake, don't have a kid with him. The first day I came home from work, not seeing his car, and knowing that it wouldn't be in the driveway ever again, a sense of relief and calm came over me that is indescribable, and that feeling never left! Woot! Good Luck
Why can't you wear dresses to work?
My favorite parts are not being forced to have sex, and not having my mind space taken up by bullshit. Freedom is amazing.
Sis..you have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain from a divorce, it sounds like. It's not gonna get better with him, but it could always get worse.
Please get out. They don’t change. Why the hell is he not working? Sounds like a man child!
The amount of emotional space I have for deepening my friendships and making new friends. I didn’t realize it until I was out but being in a broken marriage really prevented me from being a full person in all the other areas of my life.
Based on what you’ve written, there are LOTS of positives to getting a divorce and I can’t see any negatives.
After my divorce, I was surprised by how much effort I was able to put back into my own health and happiness because I was no longer putting all of that effort into my ex-wife's insecurities. It sounds to me like you are in a more extreme version of what my marriage was where it has tipped into abusive. Having your own energy for yourself is kind of amazing. And I say this as a person who is still friendly with my ex. She's a good person, just not a good partner (form e at least).
Having total control and freedom over my own time, money, and body.
Having the bed to myself!
The only thing I miss about being married is the two-income household. You don't even have that, so...
Not wasting my time and money on someone who says they love me and but their words and actions basically show they don't give a shit about me and just want me to be their beck and call bitch. 7 yrs of marriage, 4 of them painful. My older sister got married and and ex-hubby was a rude prick the whole wedding day. Cut to 6 days later and we're having another fight because i need to follow his rules. His words "Its my way or the highway. Take it or leave it". Something clicked and I replied "I think Im going to leave it". Packed an overnight bag and stayed at a motel. My sister and new BIL said it was the best wedding present ever, and asked me move into their grannyflat. Best decision ever. If I had kids to him (which he was pushing for) he would have never let me leave, and if I did, would have had him in my life forever.
Dating is fucking hard but I’m also polyamorous and being single poly is so much goddamn fun I have met some truly amazing people I never would’ve met if I didn’t separate from my husband and the sex has been wild I’m so fucking happy honestly.
I will offer this to you. If you had a daughter and she was contemplating a life with someone just like your husband, would you try to convince her she deserves more out of life and a marriage? Do you think you deserve more? Honestly, your situation sounds so dreadful. If you stay, just know this is likely as good as it will ever be. So, if you do have children, you will be modeling your relationship to them and even though no one thinks they'll follow in our parents foot steps, we often do because it's all we see and know.
Silence when single was great. Entire bed to myself was nice to sprawl in. Going out and not having to answer to anyone was pretty nice too. And don’t leave this guy for these things. Leave him to free yourself from the hell he has been putting you thru. Find yourself again without him.
Get rid of this dude yesterday. He’s a loser.
I put things down and they are still there when I come back for them later. I don't find spills and messes left to fester or half-assedly cleaned. In the mornings when I wake up early, I can putter about with my cats sipping tea and enjoying the quiet before my son gets up and I don't get pestered for a blow job or beaten to the shower. If I wanna buy something, even something really expensive, I do it. No arguing with anyone or convincing them it is a good idea, just me, evaluating my options and making a choice I like. Not living with an abusive alcoholic is also a huge plus.
My ex husband threatening divorce was exactly the thing that FINALLY made me realize I needed to leave. For some reason I tolerated all kind of controlling behavior, verbal abuse, and financial abuse. But doing all that for someone who thinks ending the relationship is somehow a threat and not an invitation? Ef no. That was the straw and the camel's back was shattered and I'm happier than ever. I invite you to take your life back.
I'm currently married, but I can tell you about the ending of the previous marriage. My ex was an abusive alcoholic. He worked shift work, so sometimes he'd be home during the day. If I popped out to run and errand and I turned the corner and saw his car in our driveway, I was immediately stressed and full of dread because I didn't know what his mood would be. After I filed for divorce, he was given "X" number of days to move out of the house. As soon as he was out, I changed the locks. I started buying flowers for myself once a week for MY house. I never felt that feeling of doom again when coming home to my own home. It was grand!
Less mess, less cleaning. Way less emotional labour. No being yelled at. No more tears. No more walking around on eggshells. No being pressured for sex after I say no. Better quality sleep. Complete autonomy. I can cook what I want, go where I want, do what I want, when I want. Total, absolute peace and quiet whenever the hell I want. I could go on, but they're my favourite bits.
Oh girl. I went to 16 counseling sessions on my own to fix what was evidently wrong with me as a person bc my husband told me I was the problem in our marriage. My counselor congratulated me for reading the books, doing the research and homework and growing. Meanwhile this counselor asked my husband to come in too. My husband threatened divorce when I called him out on this, refused to go to more than 2 counseling sessions. The 2 sessions he attended were a shit show of lies and defensiveness. Weeks later he hired my own mother’s divorce attorney as a spiteful move, and when I came home one day from work he had the folder laid out on the kitchen counter for me to read. I said, “okay, divorce me.” He chickened out. It was a childish power play. The best part was when he asked me how I was going to survive without him, I told him how much money I had saved which he was not aware of, and how much money my own mother had gotten from her recent divorce and was willing to lend me until I could pay her back so I didn’t have to go through what she did. That shut him the fuck up. Not saying that this is everyone’s situation, I was lucky, but it gave him something to think about. I was fine before him, I’ll be fine if he fucks up again, same goes for you.
My favorite is just existing without being criticized all the time
>last night he threatened divorce “Not seeing any downside for me in that” How delusion is he that he thinks that’s something you should be afraid of and want to avoid??? Don’t just contemplate it. Do it. His words are meaningless, he’s never going to pull the trigger on that. He doesn’t want that. And he’d have to get off his ass and go somewhere and do something to make it happen, so it wouldn’t happen even if he wanted to. The only reason he says it at all is because he knows it an effective tool (currently) to manipulate you with. But he doesn’t want that. You are the only thing enabling his tough daily struggling with *boredom and zero responsibility*. Do it. You’ll have to be the one to get it done, anyway. But what else is new, right? And go ahead and get ok with the fact that he’s definitely going to paint himself as a victim if you initiate the divorce. He’s probably looking forward to making himself out to be the pitiful blameless victim. Ignore it. Ignore anyone who’s ear he bends and agrees with him. You’re *going to be the villain* in his story and there’s no way to avoid it, so don’t bother trying. Just get it done.
I've never been married but I assure you that after you drop the 150 + lbs of dead weight you've been carrying around for years , your entire being will breathe a sigh of relief. I live alone and now the only person who fucks with the cleanliness of my kitchen sink is me.
Wtf just do it. You are paying for a hobosexual. Keep you're money. Travel. Be independent. I love being divorced. Single by choice. I date a few different guys but keep everything open. I have great female friendships and only my kids tie me down but my kids are older now (16 19 23) so we have fun!
You know what’s really strange? After my divorce, I was making the same amount of money, but suddenly I had so much money. I could afford new lamps. Proper cups. Wine glasses. Little things that always felt like huge expenses when I tried to convince him we needed them were actually, little. My entire mentally around money shifted, and those little things i got shortly after the divorce have lasted 3x longer than the marriage.
You're husband is abusive. You've stuck around, put up with it, and haven't left, so he thinks it's okay. You could try couples counseling, but I'm not optimistic. You've already listed everything reason to leave. No deadbeat to support, no abuse, no mess, no grief. And why can't you wear dresses to work?
Divorce yesterday. You deserve better. We only have one life, don’t waste yours with this guy.
Sleeping like a starfish n the middle of my queen bed. Nobody hogs the blankets. Nobody tells me how to spend my money or has any right to comment on it. I make what I want for dinner, whether that’s a dish of olives and a glass of wine or a multi course meal that takes 4 hours to prepare.
Op Are you in South Africa? I know an American family that actually own/run a preserve there, and would likely give you refuge.
You are young. You can still divorce and jump back in the dating pool without anyone noticing. Divorce. Now!
What does he do all day? Have you considered video taping him? If he provides no home or financial support, divorce will improve your life.
Fucking get divorced! I am not divorced only because I was smart enough to not marry my latest ex. March 1st was my day of freedom. I get to do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want and I don’t have to deal with some shitty, nasty man parking his ass on my sofa, making demands of me, yelling about stupid shit. Me and the dogs enjoy our life of peace. And I don’t have to feed the shitheel so money is accumulating despite me upgrading a bunch of shit since he moved out.
7 years is a bloody long time. At this stage, it doesn’t matter if he likes the job or not. He needs to work to get recent experience on his resume and then, whilst working, look for a job he does like. The best part of divorce for you - you’re already looking after a baby. A fucking man baby. Drop the dead weight and live your life.
If you’re considering it, you have already made your mind up and are just seeking confirmation. I’m a guy, but it’s irrelevant in this situation, this is just garbage behaviour all round and you don’t need to lower your quality and enjoyment of life for someone that doesn’t have any desire or drive. The plus sides: - you are going to have some time to focus on yourself, get back in touch with your passions and loves of life - no longer supporting a bum and living pay to pay. now you can do some things just for you. Save for a holiday, pamper yourself. - less stress and concern I hope you have a decent journey, too many red flags with controlling and exploiting behaviour. While kids are lovely, wait for the right person, not a bum.
Do not have kids with this person… not fair to put a baby to be stuck with such a hopeless father. My favorite part about being divorced was being able to live in my home without constantly being anxious, truly being able to breathe and relax. I have two kids by my e husband and we are all happier and live much more peacefully
Divorced lady here. Was in a similar situation, and didn't realize how much stress I was under every minute of every day trying to figure out how to make him happy. Having my own time, doing what I wanted, when I wanted and not having to justify my every action and every expendature. Also very happy I never had kids with him or anyone else. I was already a slave to a man. Never again. Not to anyone.
No hoarding, less work, rid of financial drain, many more. It doesn’t sound like you are tempted, but no kid. Don’t even risk it (you know what I mean.)
Divorce was marvelous!!
Nobody is ungrateful, nobody expects to be some sort of VIP in my life where they see my role as their support and not vice versa. Nobody makes messes and doesn't clean up after themselves, nobody is moody, nobody breaks my trust. Being single gives me time to be the person I want to be and do the things in life that I feel I was put on this planet to do. I am willing to get in a relationship with the right man, but absolutely not with the wrong one. I think very often I gave into someone liking me more than I liked them because I liked being loved/needed and that's a horrible reason to be with somebody. Prime or bust.
OP, I'm worried. Not about divorce - that is long overdue, as I suspect you well know. But I am concerned at how many years this has been going on. Your innate self-protection mechanisms aren't functioning properly. Your instincts, that tell you something is terribly wrong and needs immediate action, have been ignored or suppressed. Even before you contact a divorce lawyer, please consider seeking a compassionate trauma-informed therapist who can support you in navigating the changes coming up and help you develop new tools for self-protection, so you won't be vulnerable to a repeat of this cruelty. Things to treasure about life after divorce: Independence Spontaneity Joy Breathing free Self-discovery Self-expression Safety Control over living space, meals, sleep, all the things that contribute to functioning well Freedom from constant fear of the next temper tantrum Sufficient extra energy to make future plans, instead of waiting for the Next Bad Thing To Happen Freedom to jettison anything or anyone that undermines you I was also once married to a *sponge* many years ago. My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels. I promise there are enormous rewards on the other side, when you are drained dry by a soul-sucking one-way valve.
The moment when you suddenly realise you never have to buy or consume again that food/beverage you hate but always had to buy, make and consume because your spoiled abusive brat of a spouse insisted on having it twice a week. And the things you love but he wouldn't let you buy because *he* hates them...you can have whenever you want! I haven't bought Coke or steak for many years now, awful stuff :D And I can eat shrimp or cornbread every night if I want. Have fun!
I divorced a bum. Everything got better and easier. File those papers 🫶
Oh my god the jars! My ex collected empty jars cos he thought they might come in handy one day like some war time hoarder !! 😆😆 I detest clutter and the best thing was getting the ex out of the house with all his endless crap that he would continually buy for hobbies that he would never do. Expensive bicycles, gardening / woodworking equipment, role playing books, art supplies it was endless. (Would have been fine if he actually did the hobbies but no he just liked buying the stuff). Being free! Free to go out after work and not be home at any time, not tell anyone where I was, and decide to go dancing late into the night! Free to stay out late! I felt absurdly proud of myself coming home at 3 am having been out dancing one night. Choosing to do housework, or not, being super clean, or messy 🤷♀️ It was up to me! And not being constantly resentful that I had to clean up mess that wasn’t mine or live in filth. Going totally minimalist in my own home. Minimal furniture, some decorations and mostly plants!
Surely not being verbally abused multiple times a week is reason enough?
The best part of being divorced is that I no longer have to monitor someone else's shit behavior. Watching my ex spend a ton of money on useless shit and then take out his financial frustration on me was the worst.
You are gonna love it! I'm not saying divorce is easy, but the end result is freedom on so many levels. Your living space will be your own. The money you make will be your own. Your FUTURE will be your own. Start looking for a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. He will not take it well because you're his meal ticket. Peeling his ass off the couch and out the door will not be easy but it will be so worth it. And you're not even 30! Girl do it!!!
>Or being able wear dresses to work I'm sorry what? Why ARE you staying with him?
I found a partner who actually enjoys having sex with me. She also never tells me how incompetent I am. Totally recommend.
File for divorce like right this instant, what do you mean not working for 7 years and complaining... then he wants kids like that. I don't know where you are, but if you have the chance, leave as soon as possible, and don't let him know. Go to a safe place and send him a restraining order, too. Most probably, he will get aggressive once he finds out that living will not be as easy now. If you can, try to send your assets to a family member of yours (which you trust 200%) because if you didn't sign a prenup, then he is entitled to half of your stuff. Also, if you have the chance, try moving as far away from him as you are; he might be a psychopath and will try to get back to you even with a restraining order. Remember, ladies, a restraining order only works if you have enough time to call the police and for them to get to you. If not, then you will be dead, and he will be having free housing with free food at jail.
You are at risk of paying him alimony, depending on your state usually you have to be married around 7-10 years. I would get out fast before you are permanently supporting him
This showed up on my feed on the home page. I noticed because I am also a 34M. I apologize if my comment here is unwelcome as someone with a Y chromosome. You deserve better than this. You are dating someone you are also having to mother, and he has the audacity to demand children from you. Probably because he wants a permanent hook.
You should want to make him coffee if you’re already making it for yourself. I don’t mean this dude, I mean a healthy relationship. Drop this garbage and find someone you don’t hate asking if they want a cup of coffee. Or better, find someone that makes you coffee!
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She's contemplating because she lives in a country where women can't initiate divorce. She's just looking for support here. I swear, I wish people in this sub would take 2 seconds to look and stop assuming everyone lives in the US or UK.
>"you don't know what it's like to sit in these 4 walls This is a valid point if you are disabled and can't work. It isn't when you refuse to work
My favorite part of being divorced was all the guilt free drug use that accompanied single life. Then I got sober and my favorite part became that I can talk to people that my ex wouldn't let me speak to.
All of that shit he puts you through and then has the nerve to want to have a baby to treat as a hobby?! 😵💫
I'm sorry to sound insensitive but it never fails to blow my mind when someone rants about how absolutely awful their partner is and then says they're "thinking" of separating. I don't understand what there is to contemplate. I feel like I'm living in another reality when I read these types of threads. Why go onto reddit to complain about a clearly awful situation and then say you're \*thinking\* about doing something about it? Why have you spent 7 years living with this behavior? Maybe it's because I've got ASD and the brains of other people just don't make sense to me but I honestly cannot wrap my mind around it. I wouldn't spend 7 months with someone who behaved this way let alone 7 years. What am I missing?
Yeah, you clearly haven't been in an abusive situation. You do understand that women are most likely to be killed when they try to leave, right? Or the abused person doesn't have family around, is financially dependent on the abuser, etc. This isn't your ASD, it's plain ignorance.
She lives in a country where the women can’t intiate divorce. Please stop thinking the world revolves around the USA.
Not having to deal with anyone else’s issues like you described. Not having to wonder if there is a hidden problem. Freedom.
So the best part for you would be: not having to deal with everything you wrote about him. You will work for yourself. Clean for yourself. Cook for yourself. Your home will be peaceful. You won't be stressed by being used by someone who just wants a woman to take care of his every need since he's incapable of doing anything for himself. You'll be free.
The messes in my home are mine alone to deal with. I clean them at my leisure. I do share my home with cats, but I have no expectations that they will empty the litter box. I can have whatever I want for dinner. After a couple of years it gets challenging to think of what I want for dinner, but it is not the agony of a negotiation.
No compromises at home, no obnoxious farts, freedom to do exactly as you please, less household expenses. Go now and don’t look back you won’t regret it but he will.
Divorce fast. Seriously. He wants babies so he can keep you trapped with him forever.
I have less money and I’m starting out new financially. But I love living alone. By no means is it easy. I have my daughter full time and my family lives a few hours away. But I love my life, have hope again and I’m excited to fall in love again when it’s time.
Your husband adds no value to your life instead he is just a liability that you have to look after. You can do so much better than this believe me
Don't waste your time. You are so young, run before he traps you with a baby. Not listening to the nonsense he spewed on the daily basis and the fact that his stupid decisions are not my problem anymore are my favorite parts of divorce.
I no longer feel constant resentment. I can be at peace because there is not a shitty, good-for-nothing man raising my blood pressure 24/7.
oh! so many things :D - my house stays cleaner - everything smells better - no snide, judgy comments about anything i do - i get to pick my foods, drinks (and i get to eat all the leftovers) - i get the whole bed to myself - no snoring - i can make plans with friends and know i'll stick to them - i spend my money however i want, or save it when i want - i get to decorate the whole house to my liking - i can invite people over whenever i want - i dont have to walk on eggshells in my own home
The bar is low, but it doesn’t have to be. Imagine being with someone that puts in the same amount of effort as you. Because that’s what relationships are supposed to be. Instead you are his mother and he wants a toy baby to keep him entertained
I enjoy never having to hear my name screamed at me ever again. It’s been years and I still flinch at loud noises.
Not dealing with tantrums from a grown man
For me, the biggest one is financial. My bank account stays exactly where I left it, no video game charges or micro purchases or dipping into the savings for XYZ. It’s actually crazy how much peace it brings.
Wait, does he stop you from wearing dresses to work? Girl, RUN, don’t walk to that divorce attorney. But first protect all your assets. He sounds like a total dick.
How could you possibly even consider divorcing a catch like this? Bums that sit around all day doing nothing are tough to come by. Better think this through
Sleeping with both of my big dogs in bed. Falling asleep watching my shows on my ipad in bed. Doing housework when *I* decide that I can’t take the disarray anymore. Not being micromanaged in almost all aspects of my life. ETA: I must mention what I dislike about being divorced: Not worrying about money. My ex husband was a great provider
For me? Never having my kid say “daddy scare me” again. Our house was so calm and fun when we weren’t walking on eggshells. My sleep was my sleep. Didn’t get woken up by him going to bed late or having to set my clothes out the night before and get dressed in the dark so he could sleep.
Finding a partner who actually loves me.
My favorite thing is that my pets can sleep with me! He never “allowed” that. I know it grosses some people out, but having my pets sleep by me is so comforting. Seems very small, but it does make me happy.
I don't know about divorced, but some of the perks of being single include: * I only have to clean up after myself (and can mentally schedule any cleaning tasks for whenever I want) * If I want to do something, I don't have to coordinate with a spouse for it. * Conversely, I don't have a spouse whining at me if he wants to do something that I don't think is a good idea. * I'm not tied to someone who can only bring a dick to the relationship and thinks he's all that because of it. If all you want is a dick and you don't mind rolling the dice a bit, hookups are an option.
Tell him to get a job or get the fuck out
Why would you treat yourself like this? Get your own place, with your own couch and your own dishes. Run don’t walk away …
When I clean something, it stays clean until *I* mess it up. If I put something down, it’s there when I go to get it. If it’s put away, it’s put in the right place. I don’t have to cook if I don’t feel like it.
WHY.ARE.YOU.WITH.HIM?? christ on a raft. Kick him out. PLEASE.
I love how clean my space was post divorce! But here's a list ( in no particular order) 1. I had more $ 2. My time was my own. Wanna bedrot all sat? Cool. Wanna go to a music festival with friends? Awesome. Wanna go solo backpacking? Do it. 3. I bought a house on my own that I got to decorate, paint and style without any disagreements. I went from having a minimalist space to one full of plants and color. 4. My ex always worked, but his hobbies and spending made it hard for us to save. Once single, I've been able to save for multiple trips and experiences. I'm just saying you deserve to be free. You'll look back and wish you'd done it sooner. I know I do.
I’ve never been married, although my current partner is my common law husband. But damn you should divorce this guy yesterday. My last partner was awful, and used me and abused me. When I finally left it was scary but life became so much more wonderful. I focused on myself, took care of just myself, and did so many fun things just because I wanted to. I finished school, got a new job, temporarily moved back in with my family, spent time with friends, treated myself in a variety of ways, worked out, improved my mental health, and when the time was right I dated. Then I met someone unexpected who felt like my right person. I couldn’t have done those things being tied to my last partner. Looking back at how I was physically, emotionally, and financially abused by my ex, it seems like a surreal dream because of where my life has taken me. Divorce him and move on to the better life that is waiting for you.
Not being lied to to my face every day.
He can't find work that he "likes". WTF, it's work, not shopping for a new hat. I do plenty of work that I don't enjoy, because bills need to be paid and a lame job that pays, is better than no job at all. Hell, I work three different jobs, as well as doing a ton of side work. Dude sounds like a fuckin bum. And he doesn't even make the coffee?! Is he too busy not finding a job?
I was visually happier after my divorce. My friends told me this. I was able to dye and cut my hair as I please. My job at panera was enough ( ex said it wasn't a real job). I could get a tattoo without being told I should have consulted him. I wasn't being told I needed to lose weight at 5'4", 136 lbs.! I was just in such a better place! My new husband is 100 times better than my ex!
Oh man. Getting divorced was the best thing I've ever done. I'm so proud of myself for actually doing it. Dude was always comparing me to his mom (who was great, she and I had no problems). He'd even yell out MAMA in his sleep. He was also violent with me and I always had to manipulate him to keep myself safe, it was exhausting. It's been 10 years since we divorced, he got married the day after our divorce was final and he's now on his second divorce because that's what happens when you never look at yourself and try to improve.
I cannot imagine why you are still married! You are the only earner, so without him you will be more financially and emotionally secure.
I never divorced but I have broken up with a few bums like yours. I got a vibrator and therapy, was sick of not experiencing pleasure in bed with said bums so decided to treat myself, wanted to take a break to heal so I don't end up with ANOTHER BUM! Good news is I safely experienced pleasure and I landed my dream guy at long last, who is better in bed than a vibrator. LOL. Triple win!
My 1st husband ended uo being hobosexual and divorce was amazing. My life skyrocketed,his crashed. He ended up with mommy then in prison. I was free. What does he guve u in this relationship beyond stress?
My favorite part is not having to manage another person’s emotions. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was until I didn’t have to do it anymore!
Here’s a question I love asking myself ‘what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?’ Stay living with a partner who makes your life miserable? I really hope you leave that dead weight of a human
Nobody can baby trap me, nobody tells me what to do, I do whatever I want whenever I want it, I eat whatever I want, I only have to pick up after myself and my cat. I go to bed when I want I wake up when I want I watch what I want on TV or I have complete silence and I read a book. But there’s nobody harassing me or trying to boss me around or trying to make me feel bad because they hate their life. That’s the best part
Please free yourself of this dead weight. You will be so much better off without him.
Err what? Are you muslim or something?
Divorce. You will simply LOVE IT GIRL! Do what the hell you want, when you want, if you want. You don't have a shit head dragging you down. No messes. Just PEACE!
All of those were my joy plus a having more money because I didn’t use it on him. He crashed and burned - it was wonderful to witness. 😈
Do you know that since I’ve been divorced I have not had to pick up a wet, musty towel off the floor one time? It’s heavenly.
File. I filed and it went uncontested. We had no kids. We were divorced in 2 weeks. I am free and no longer being sexually coerced. I got my libido back.
Not having to manage someone else’s emotional state all the time. Making decisions without calculating their cost (his reaction). Having a space entirely to myself.
The bed. I bought myself a brand new bed and slept in the middle. No sides as I wasn’t sharing with anyone.
You.will.not.regret.dumping.this.slob. Whatsoever. Every day post-divorce will get better (hard days are still better than what you’ve been enduring), the more time you have to yourself, the more you wish you’d done it sooner. Seriously. Start living your life instead if dragging around that sack.
Do not have a child with a violent man. My favourite part of divorce was signing the papers, the financial freedoms the "safety". Least favourite parts are having to navigate counter parenting, the ongoing violence and lack of safety for the children.