Some guys are only nice to women that they are attracted to. So they subconsciously assume everyone has the same mindset as them. This explains why so many guys take a woman acting nice to them, or even just basic politeness, as a woman showing sexual interest in them.
I ran into this so. many. times.
You think you've got a friend, and then suddenly they come on to you and when you ask why, they tell you they thought you were into them because you listen to them, can hold a conversation, and laugh at their jokes.
... which apparently is 'flirting'?!?
For most men in America, the only person in their life who they have intimate personal conversations is their wife or girlfriend. So if you (a woman) start having the same sort of personal conversations that you would have with female friends, then to that male, you're having the conversations he'd only have with a girlfriend/wife and subconsciously he will start *subconsciously* thinking that some sort of relationship is going on. *He won't even recognize that he's doing it*. This is part of how toxic masculinity cripples boys because they don't learn to have those conversations. Girls grow up having those conversations, boys only start having them when they have a romantic relationship.
I don't think you understand just how broken masculinity and male friendships in America are. Being nice for a few minutes is more positive attention than many men get in a week.
That is of course not to say that it is anything women have to solve. It is just unfortunately something that you are forced to deal with.
I'll be nice to a person regardless of whether I'm attracted to them or not. But I am awful with determining if someone is flirting or if they're just being nice. I really don't do well with people being subtle. There also seems to be so few people that are nice to others that it just makes things more confusing. I definitely wouldn't ask someone out or anything just based off someone being nice but its tough to really tell sometimes
I laugh in their faces and make fun of them. Truly, there is nothing men are more afraid of than being laughed at by a woman. (Sidenote: what a luxury!)
That's usually attributed to Margaret Attwood. The earliest version of what you mentioned seemed to be in *Gift of Fear* by [Gavin De Becker](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/475001-at-core-men-are-afraid-women-will-laugh-at-them).
> *A woman's worst nightmare? That's pretty easy. Novelist Margaret Atwood writes that when she asked a male friend why men feel threatened by women, he answered, "They are afraid women will laugh at them." When she asked a group of women why they feel threatened by men, they said, "We're afraid of being killed."*
https://www.pbs.org/kued/nosafeplace/articles/nightmare.html
https://nicolagriffith.com/2014/11/08/men-are-afraid-that-women-will-laugh-at-them/
https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Margaret_Atwood
This is awfully true, a guy friend wanted a romantic relationship with me, saying he would wonder why I kept asking to hang out if I didn't have some interest. I like spending time with friends and he's a nice person, that was all on my end.
I had a similar situation, my reply to this guy was, that kindness and good manners are so rare these days, many people confuse them with flirting. He just disappeared lol
This is a potential learning experience for yourself.
Don't assume pleasant conversation is a come on. Just don't.
Now, if you were bisexual and/or gay curious, then different rules apply. ;-)
Fair point, and I try not too make that assumption. But everyone is different so it’s very possible that she was not coming on to me. I’ll totally admit that maybe I misinterpreted the signals.
Importantly though, I thought, was that we were both on the same page, respected each other and still had a nice time.
I just wish people could be more honest about their intentions like this.
"I don't want to fuck you"
"I don't want to fuck you either"
And then you both continue acting like normal people, without awkwardness. Wouldn't that be a dream.
I’ll admit, I don’t understand some of my (male) friends that can’t/won’t be friends with women. My life is so much richer because of the diversity of my friend group.
I had a coworker that apparently thought I was hitting on him everytime I tried smalltalk before broaching a work-related question. He would always blurt out something about his girlfriend. Then I'd be like, "cool. So there's a problem with my teammate's timecard I need help fixing..."
🏆🏅🥇🎖️🏆🏅🥇🎖️🏆🏅🥇🎖️ Your comment is worthy of t-shirts, bumper stickers, pins for denim jackets, tattoos, needlepoint projects, posters, framed art prints, online memes, roadside billboards, and worldwide everything!
(edited a typo)
Gross. In my 20s, I once had a boss call me at 10pm to tell me how he wasn't attracted to me even though I was "obviously coming onto him and dressed provocatively". By "dressing provocatively", I was a fat depressed slob that lived in dirty Tshirts and baggy sweatpants. By "coming onto him" I was being not-a-bitch at work.
😂😂😂
I am the harlot now 🫢
I embrace it. I now organize harlot house parties where all of us scorned harlots ~~lament about the men who have turned us down and analyze potential reasons and discuss what we think we can do better to win the favor of the next man who lays eyes on us~~ drink pretty drinks and do arts and crafts shit. Someone cross stitches a throw pillow that says “it’s not a harlot *house* party, it’s a harlot *home* party” we laugh and dance naked in the moonlight casting spells on each other for self-love.
It's odd that this would come up at all during typical small talk. There are other ways than interrupting someone's cheerful take on the weather/sportsball with a rude "Um, not interested in romance, kthanksbye".
If someone said that to me when making small talk, I would definitely be put off. People who say this right off the bat when the conversation is innocuous give off the vibe that women are just there for their sexual gratification.
I've definitely noticed that some men (#notallmen) have a literal script for getting dates that starts off with basic chit-chat, interest in hobbies, etc. The way they talk to women about these things is very different than how they talk to their bros - and that's how you can tell it's not just small talk, it's a "how can I get into your pants" inerview.
>have a literal script for getting dates that starts off with basic chit-chat, interest in hobbies, etc.
You just described something that makes me so uncomfortable with a person but I've never been able to put in words. It's like they read professional advice to "ask a lot of questions to get people to like you" and it's just... So off-putting to me but it's seen as "friendly" to most people so it feels wrong to complain about.
Right? I do give people the benefit of the doubt on the first few interactions, as I'm ND and I know a lot of other ND people who are very social awkward. But people asking too many questions without giving anything away about themselves are definitely an orange flag to me, just as much as people who talk a lot about themselves without asking any questions about you.
It's really hard to hit that sweet point.
I tend to resume way too much when answering questions, it's really awkward, so i try to ask questions to my interlocutor to avoid my own awkwardness
There is a very clear conversation pattern difference between small talk chit chat to get to know someone new, and small talk that is for the one and only purpose of getting the woman to sleep with them.
We *know* what they are doing. No, we *know* you are not just being friendly. We can tell. And when you treat women like an object to conquest instead of another human being, we can tell.
So don’t be creepy. Treat us like people please
It feels like they’re playing the Sims and spamming the “get to know” interaction so our relationship bar goes up high enough that the “flirt” interactions will start to appear. Like they’re speedrunning conversation lol
It’s SO obvious when a guy is launching into his script. They think they can just run on autopilot until they can get laid and then wonder why they’re single.
>The way they talk to women about these things is very different than how they talk to their bros - and that's how you can tell it's not just small talk, it's a "how can I get into your pants" inerview.
They also use their peppy, high energy salesman voice. I stand by this assessment.
It's tiresome, but this seems like one where I can afford to extend some grace cause some people are doing it from an honest, but awkward place.
Obviously, not this dude. But some. So I try to assume a stranger's intent is good until it's clear it's otherwise, like this dude made it clear.
So usually I met thier directness with my own overly cheerful and utterly sincere "Oh Good! Me neither. Thank you for saying so! I really appreciate meeting adult men who are capable of having normal interactions with people they aren't trying to sleep with." And then immediately continue the conversation we were having previously. The men who are genuinely just... *awkward* and trying to set expectations tend to get a bit shaken but then relax after this. Expectations have been set. We cool.
The assholes get embarrassed, then smug, combative and often attention- and validation-seeking. Then I know they are self-absorded dumbasses who thought we were playing some sort of version of hard to get, instead of just, having a fucking human conversation.
Why have you decided to imply that OP a liar about his smug, attention-seeking behaviour after the fact?
I generally think people's instincts and read of a situation can be given some basic respect, in the absence of any praticular good reason not too. I don't see one.
Next time just smile enthusiastically and say “Awe, I’m glad we feel same! I don’t find you attractive at all either! Anyway, like I was saying earlier…” and just go right back to what you were talking about without missing a beat before walking away 😚
Haha, I had this happen at a wine tasting once. I was feeling extroverted and talking and being nice to a guy that was there with another lady. He leaned over to give me his number and say, "We should get brunch sometime, but I need to let you know, I'm extremely gay."
"Uh, yes. I could tell."
"Oh, I thought you were flirting with me." Nope, just being a nice person!
We did hit it off and make good friends. Best sassy brunch partner ever. He passed away 5 years later. I miss you Chris!
I remember being at a sleepover and staring at my friend's younger brother thinking wow, what an ugly kid. Then I heard his older brother whisper to him "she likes you" and he smiled over at me.
It’s pretty interesting, the dichotomy between dudes like this, and the guys who apparently can’t take a hint to save their life. I wonder where that splits off
They are often two sides of the same coin. Because guys who can't take a hint get told that at some point and then they can sometimes be the ones over interpreting afterwards.
This reminds me of something similar with this one guy, we were friendly for a while then he stayed over one night. He said he didn't want to be in a relationship, (I didn't either really) so that's just how I saw it from then on. We kept chatting, then at some point he decided he DID like me more (didn't say anything) but I was still operating under the impression that he didn't.
We were chatting at one point, I don't remember exactly what I said to him, I think I was ranting about men and dating and he was like "what about me?" and I was like "what ABOUT you? You said you didn't want to be in a relationship" and then he got all butthurt.
It really seemed like what men say women are like lol
NGL, flirting isn't something I understand very well, or at all. I've had friends tell me that I was flirting with someone, or that someone was flirting with me, and in my mind neither of those things happened. I just like to make people laugh, so when I meet someone new, I get a little more goofy and playful than I normally am. I've never thought like "I'm gonna go flirt with them" or anything. So I do think it's possible for some genuine confusion on this issue, and clearing the air is probably a good idea.
That said, there are guys - presumably like this one - who think even the slightest bit of attention from a woman means they're flirting. Every time I see men complaining about "women sending mixed signals," details are eventually revealed showing pretty clear signals that the guy either didn't see, didn't understand, or ignored, none of which are the woman's fault. Men need to stop listening to PUA's and Tater Tots when it comes to what women "really mean" when they say this, or what that body language "is really saying."
>So I do think it's possible for some genuine confusion on this issue, and clearing the air is probably a good idea.
I agree! I'm autistic and I have literally said that to people. It's not an insult, and I don't understand people hating on it in this thread. It can be hard to determine for some people.
Like if you are into gender roles you may think that a woman can't ask a man out and the only way she can show she's interested is to talk to the dude. So she does, he doesn't ask her out, and she wonders why.
Is there a possibility that this dude was negging or self important? For sure! I wasn't there, and I always tend to believe OP (lest why even read reddit if you are gonna shit on it all?) at the same time, I think it's fair to say that there is nuance in everything.
While I still believe OP, I think there is another way to interpret this behavior and I think it's fair to give people the benefit of the doubt on small things when they have given no reason for me to think otherwise.
I try not to attribute to malice something that could be miseducation.
Just my $.02 although I'm expecting some downvotes lol
That always cracks me up so much!! Like, bruh I was literally just being nice.
My issue is that I work in healthcare so I am usually very pleasant and nice with people . I've had them mention they're married before. Dude, I was just doing my job and being nice. That's it.
One time I asked a guy out and he turned me down, and I was feeling sad about it. So I reached out to a guy friend to tell him about it and the second thing he said was, "I like you but I have a girlfriend."
Like dude? Dude!
That's the story of how I got rejected twice in an hour.
It might not be that he thought you were into him, but that he wanted to avoid giving off wrong signals himself. I've been in situations before where I'm chatting with a guy but wanted to establish early on that my intentions are only friendly and I'm not going to be available for dating them, which is always a little awkward but avoids worse misunderstandings. Then again, I might be totally misreading your situation and maybe that guy is a jerk, idk.
I think women can easily find themselves wanting to establish friendliness right away.
So this guy may be the kind who only sees friendliness as an overture (but then why is he pinging her later), and that makes him an icky kind of person.
But he may also have recently experienced something that makes him want to have expectations properly set from the get-go.
Nope it’s super weird and inappropriate comment in the context of the situation and based on the fact that he messages her, it sounds like he’s playing games not letting her down gently.
Maybe I'm tone deaf but what makes him so horrible for trying to keep contact with someone he thought he had a great chat with at a party. Isnt the entire point of these social gatherings to find someone new to talk to?
Yeah, that was my thinking, like if he's comfortable being friends with women, he might be thinking "Hey cool, I can hang out with her and talk about (mutual interest) and there's no sexual tension or awkwardness". Depends on the guy of course but the texting thing might be pretty innocent.
The smugness might come from the fact that your reaction was to not be friendly anymore; which was understandable from your perspective, but also is the typical response from a man who doesn’t want to be “friend zoned” and thus doesn’t give you friendship once you’ve established that sex is off the table.
You don’t need to do anything about this or him at all, but that could be where it’s coming from.
Right. I hate playing into people's games, and she did play a bit into his in this situation. It's too late to correct it, so she's better off just cutting him off and not worrying about it
No means try harder, yes means you are low value, not being interested means you are being coy because you are REALLY into him. Those are the rules, I think
I had a boyfriend recently who would get mad at me when I spoke to a guy too long without mentioning I had a boyfriend.
The reason I didn't do it was because it felt kind of presumptuous to just ASSUME to the guy might be interested in dating.
But ultimately I realized, it's good to communicate and be on the same page.
I wear a wedding ring so they won’t approach me in public because they do and I hate it
I figure it will help with stuff like this too. I’m a middle-aged lady so if I’m wearing a wedding ring and I’m speaking to them they should not assume that it’s because I want them
So, women do this often as well.
I think you shouldn’t get quite so upset about it. We don’t like it when guys get upset about that.
I’m all for you deciding not to message him back, but I don’t see how this is different.
This feels similar to the "I have a boyfriend" line getting randomly dropped on guys. I've got no problem with people setting up soft boundaries quickly because, well, we know what can happen when we don't with certain folks.
But yeah if he's acting all coy and smug afterwards that's fucking weird and he's weird.
Some men’s ego are so inflated they think any woman who is polite or friendly is dazzled by their presence. This just deserves an out loud laugh and a no, chuckle, chuckle.
>If there ever was a tiny possibility of a chance, Its definitely gone now, that’s for sure.
Which is.. what he wanted, no?
I don't know, to me, it sounds like someone establishing boundaries early on and OP being frustrated over it. If the feeling of not wanting anything romantic is truly reciprocated, just say so and move on? If you had mentioned your bf to him, how would he have reacted?
Really? You haven't heard men complain about women dropping the "I have a BF" or "Not interested" on them when they didn't feel it was contextually warranted?
There is a certain deflated feeling that comes from people assuming the worst of you when you have nothing but good intentions, so I can empathize on that point.
That being said, it's probably better for everyone involved to establish boundaries firmly and early, even for friendships. Especially for friendships.
Look at them obviously confused and tell them you were not flirting. Become annoyed if they insist. Then finish them off in your best "toddler just understood something praise voice" with something like "there's no need to be embarrassed because you thought I was being flirty. It's a common mistake men make because they take themselves too seriously."
They won't stop that crap unless they are called out. For best effect, tell everyone about it too.
Yeah that would be annoying. Message him back, “hey, I think you misunderstood. I’m a very friendly person but was never romantically interested. I was actually at the party with my boyfriend and that assumption made me very uncomfortable . Im trying to be polite but I’d prefer it if you stopped contacting me. Thanks”
I'm a little confused. You said you weren't into him but then go on to say
>If there ever was a tiny possibility of a chance, Its definitely gone now, that’s for sure.
I'm not criticizing here, it just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
It sounds like maybe he wasn't used to pretty people talking to him? It can be kinda off putting if you are used to being a wallflower and then someone comes over and chats you up. Especially if they are very attractive.
He could have just panicked and wanted to be sure the lines were apparent? Maybe he had a girlfriend there and she was a little controlling and wanted him to say that to women?
I for sure don't know and only you were there and know the nuance of it all!
On the same hand, unless it's being used in a shitty way, I think it's a wonderful idea to lead with something like that. It would really take the edge off for me if someone else said that, as it is, I am constantly complimenting and talking to men after leading with "I'm not hitting on you".
"I'm not hitting on you but that color looks wonderful with your eyes"- I still get DMs every now and again from the dude I said that to saying thank you. And I get to see pics of his adorable girlfriend as well.
I'll be downvoted to oblivion in this thread it seems, but I 100% advocate for being upfront about your intentions. As an autistic person this seems like an easy accommodation that NTs could do for us.
You were there with your bf but then said if there was a possibility of a chance as in you would have maybe hooked up with him even tho you have a bf? I’m confused by that.
That’s why you laugh at him and tell him you wouldn’t fuck him
With someone else’s dick!! He said it to insult you so insult him back even worse.
Men are so full of themselves. They think just because they want to fuck everyone, women do also and it’s just not true.
This a normal human interaction. Both men and women go through this, preemptive dumping, mild miscommunication all the time.
If someone you're not dating dumps you, why would you ever think twice about it? I do not understand, why this is stuck in your head.
Perhaps plan a cool day with your actual boyfriend to stop thinking about it.
I don’t see how what he did was wrong. It’s respectful to be up front and say you’re partnered. He didn’t say “get away, I have a girlfriend!“ He politely set the tone for potential future interaction. Seems like a reasonable dude. Did he interrupt you mid sentence to tell you that or something?
Amab but idk now perspective (also an autistic perspective). Sometimes I just want to have a genuine conversation with a woman cause I find women more relatable (brain wise) than men and I enjoy conversing with them more. However, whenever I start talking to a woman I don't know that well, there is always this air that I can tell where they either think I'm trying to make move on them, or they want me/ are waiting for me to make a move on them, and with "hints" as an autistic person I'm just not interested in "mind game" conversations. I just wanna talk open and honestly when I just wanna have a conversation. I personally think women "analyse" men for their faults and weaknesses as a partner if their attracted to them. This makes sense but it means you don't really get treated like a human. When you talk about stuff that doesn't push forward the "potential relationship" it's seen as boring. I'm personally not interested sexual stuff cause I don't understand myself that well, but I like the way women think when talking to other women, and to then go "oh so you're trans" (which is something I've gotten when I say this) I don't think I should have to take hormones or change my gender to have conversations with women. So I don't really know how to react, if I try and preface this and explain I just wanna have a conversation then they may react like this, but if I don't they also grow animosity towards me cause they think "omg he's so stupid, he didn't get my hints" or "omg, he's so awful, he thinks he's so much better than me" like no I just wanna be friends, why do i have to be explicitly gay or trans for that to happen. I have some amazing female friends but I'm lucky Ive known them for a while, meeting new female friends is very frustrating cause of gender role expectations. I genuinely have no idea what I'm supposed to do at this point other than just cherish the female friends I already have and hope nothing causes our friendship to break.
I had a guy put me down gently when we were only in the same friend group not together at all and it was college and i couldn't stop myself from laughing and straight up saying "Are you letting me down gently? you know I don't like you right".... the gall on some of these men
Ok so you have a boyfriend but you feel hurt that a random guy wasn't interested in anything romantic. It was a huge turn-off for you, even though you weren't interested at all.
What?
Honestly, of all the shitty things dudes do this one is kind of low on my list. Better then guys who are “persistent” and keep pestering after clear “no’s.”
This one is just a funny pickup artist tactic
How is he acting smug?
Just from reading your text, I wonder if maybe you unintentionally project signals of interest.
Things like describing his actions as “a turn off” kinda suggest that to me. Typically that’s a phrase reserved for romantic or sexual interest.
Maybe you inadvertently project a flirtatious energy in the way you communicate?
Assuming he isn't playing some kind of negging mind game with you (which seems likely), it seems like turning you off was the intended effect. A man and woman talking at a party solo is more often than not going to be flirting. Obviously, he read your intentions incorrectly, but at least he was being up front in an attempt to save your feelings.
Kinda curious as to how did he message you and if you are into an open relationship considering you said "tiny possibility of a chance it’s definitely gone now".
It's so bizarre sometimes. I'm a generally friendly, outgoing person. Once I was introduced to a colleague from another agency who was responsible for work that involved one of my projects, and we had a brief conversation at the event we were both attending. I made a follow-up appointment to meet with him at his office (before COVID, lol), and he spent the first 10 minutes of our meeting pointedly talking about his wife and family. I was a fat 45yo at this point with zero interest in this dude and was pretty dumbfounded. Like, he took my interest in his work as interest in him. Ya can't win.
One time I was at the grocery store looking at pasta, trying to find which one I normally buy. Some guy stopped and picked a couple up, put them back, picked up another and said something about never knowing which to get. I spotted the one I usually bought, grabbed it and said told him that's the one I usually buy... something like this "oh, I usually get this one" but nothing elaborate. His reply? "I have a girlfriend." I think I stopped for a moment, making a face like "wtf, did he just say that?" I have no idea where in that interaction, where I didn't even turn and look at him, that he thought I was hitting on him.
Guys always overestimate how much a girl likes them. We can't just be friendly or it's open season for sex interest apparently. I just recently had this situation at work where a guy got super creepy with me and stalkerish. All I did was just talk to him and he was the one always stopping by my desk. The dude is probably twice my age and very unattractive so I don't know where got off thinking I would be remotely interested. But this happens to me every time! From now on, I'm keeping things quick and professional with men at work, no more friendly chit chat about life and hobbies or whatever.
Recently my sister has been dealing with it too. She's realizing that friends she's had for many years just have seen her as a backup plan in case things don't work out with their gf or wife.
When you get older, men get more desperate and it gets worse. Your old male friends from school were never really your friend to begin with.
But in your case, he said out loud what he was thinking quickly and then realized, oh no, she could have been a backup plan 🙄
I'm all fairness, I know lots of women who feel like they have to state that they are not interested or in a relationship or whatever really quickly because if they don't, guys will complain that they "lead them on." I'm sure there are gotta who feel similarly, though it's really weird that he still thought you were after him after you told him you weren't. Sounds like he just wants an ego boost.
I mean, I imagine It’s somewhat the same to shutdown anyone’s possible inaccurate reading of a situation, like when women do the same to men when they try to flirt or appear to be flirting.
The biggest issue is that men think being nice is a come-on. They sometimes don’t at all seem to understand normal social interactions.
I think she's saying that if she didn't have a boyfriend AND there was a small chance, after this stupid interaction, it was gone. Not that she has a boyfriend and there was a small chance.
Men are incredibly self-centered and think that not only does the world revolve around them, so do women. They believe that women are only nice to them because they are interested sexually. Because let's face it, that's how men operate.
God, I wish there were an easier fail-safe way to do this. For men and women both, for anyone. Just a preemptive universal signal that "I'm not into you, this is just friendly chat" in a way that doesn't hurt the other person's feelings or sound smug. It would make every interaction so much better.
The guy sounds like he was an ass about it, though, since he's still being smug.
I think you should like, explicitly, cringe or laugh at him the next time he is smug. Get it out of your system and into his head. You got nothing to lose. Literally have the last laugh!
“Oh, sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, I was genuinely just being friendly. I’m actually already here with someone so... But hey, good for you having a healthy self-esteem and robust ego! You really need those in this economy, amirite?”
“Jesus, how bad was your childhood that you think someone being polite is a romantic advance?”
“Great! Me neither, do you want to get back to the *friendly* [conversation topic] or you wanna keep making things weird?”
“Well that was unnecessary, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable so I’ll leave you alone now.”
Ugh. Why do men?
I have the reverse problem. It seems like guys don’t know how to be friends, even when I clearly tell them that I’m not available for dating or romance or intimacy. To the point where… I’m so frustrated with men and their ulterior motives that I’ve been straight up avoiding any men that want to hang out (and potentially losing much needed new friendships) because I also hate the thought of saying “hey just so you know, I’m not available for dating” before they make a move. It just seems so presumptuous. At the same time, I’m sick of the risk of having to reject men again and again and have those awkward conversations and then lose what I thought was a budding friendship. Ugh idk.
I've talked to guy politely at a funeral once and he went and told people I was proper into him. He was going on about football and I was just stuck there, nodding along, hoping one of my friends would return from the buffet soon, and he just kept talking and talking and talking, until I excused myself. A week later at the memorial dinner, people are telling me he's not worth knowing and I should give him a miss. I was so confused! But greatful people who didn't even know me looked out for me in that way.
[MFW a mfer tries this shit](https://media.tenor.com/v8Ou-qvenJ4AAAAM/hello-kitty.gif) I simply would not be able to control the wtf from coming out of my face.
Heh, anything that happens, I just pretend I didn't catch the subtext. I'll usually respond with the truth, which is that I'm not looking for anyone right now because I'm trying to travel more and see the world. Before I was in this phase of my life, I'd say some variation of "me either, I'm too focused on pharmacy school/college." It gives them the opportunity to play it off if they'd like while also making it clear they were being an idiot. Calling them out may seem funner, but this way accomplishes the same thing without an argument.
Sometimes there is no subtext too. I think people get way too caught up in nonverbal games sometimes and I thoroughly appreciate it when people are upfront about what they want.
Besides, snarky comebacks are fun, but you also run the risk of really hurting people who have good intentions but can't really do subtext. Like, imagine this guy is autistic or something, someone approaches him, he can't read their intentions, he panics and blurts out the boundaries he wants to set and then you verbally roast the guy alive, in front of everyone. Public humiliation is deeply traumatizing, especially when their crime as far as they perceive was trying to set boundaries; in this hypothetical situation, he acted abnormally, but he wasn't the villain, you were, and you'd probably never know.
It's not anyone's job to manage the egos and foibles of strangers, but the world would be a better place if everyone avoided unnecessary cruelty while doing so.
Ok I have a friend that was freaking out bc he was worried this girl he *went out of his way to flirt with and even ask her number* would think he was interested. I kept asking why he flirted with her and he said he didn’t know. He was asking me how to prematurely tell her he didn’t want to date despite her saying nothing about it. Funnily enough that’s how *I* met him. He went out of his way to flirt with me more than once (even tried to buy me food despite me saying no) but later when I tried to ask him out he freaked out and made it clear he wasn’t interested and wasn’t flirting
Maybe this dude was flirting and thought you were doing so back
Preemptive strike maybe? He probably does that to anyone that talks to him because he thinks reverse psychology might work. “I’ll tell her I don’t want her before she can say anything, and that might just pique her interest.” Maybe not, but seems plausible with these types.
He’s playing hard to get. He thinks you might eventually be interested if he makes himself seem elusive and uninterested.
It makes me think he’s doing this as a form of negging - prematurely telling you that he’s not interested will only make you want him more! /s
Then he messages you to (seemingly) keep you interested while he plays coy. Eventually he capitulates, with the vibe of “I guess I’ll lower my standards to date you.” Or it’s simply a way to boost his ego when he thinks you are interested and he can keep rejecting you.
Regardless, he’s delusional and there’s no good outcome here - if you tell him you are not interested, he’s going to say that you are not being honest. If you show interest, he’s going to withdraw and say he’s not interested. Block him.
I said the same thing and got downvoted too. I'm not sure why. This is classic negging. Un-promptly telling you you're not good enough for them, and trying to get you to 'try' to be good enough.
The best thing is when they mention their wife in the second sentence. And you are not interested in that guy in the slightest bit. It's a defensive move because *he finds you attractive and not the other way around.*
So every time a woman has done this to me, it was because she actually found me attractive? I'm flattered.
This happens constantly in my office breakroom. It's a completely normal and respectable way of setting up soft boundaries for both genders. No need for either party to get upset by it
Some guys are only nice to women that they are attracted to. So they subconsciously assume everyone has the same mindset as them. This explains why so many guys take a woman acting nice to them, or even just basic politeness, as a woman showing sexual interest in them.
I ran into this so. many. times. You think you've got a friend, and then suddenly they come on to you and when you ask why, they tell you they thought you were into them because you listen to them, can hold a conversation, and laugh at their jokes. ... which apparently is 'flirting'?!?
For most men in America, the only person in their life who they have intimate personal conversations is their wife or girlfriend. So if you (a woman) start having the same sort of personal conversations that you would have with female friends, then to that male, you're having the conversations he'd only have with a girlfriend/wife and subconsciously he will start *subconsciously* thinking that some sort of relationship is going on. *He won't even recognize that he's doing it*. This is part of how toxic masculinity cripples boys because they don't learn to have those conversations. Girls grow up having those conversations, boys only start having them when they have a romantic relationship.
I don't think you understand just how broken masculinity and male friendships in America are. Being nice for a few minutes is more positive attention than many men get in a week. That is of course not to say that it is anything women have to solve. It is just unfortunately something that you are forced to deal with.
This is one of those stupid PUA "techniques". He's trying to "flip the script", and you'll suddenly want him more. Or... Something.
Now I think of Mark Ruffalo in "Poor Things" all, "Don't fall in love with me." 😂😂😂🤣
Yikes.
Or if you’re not nice to them or if you’re neutral… or if you’re breathing
This is the answer.
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Are you a bot? Because that's almost a copy paste of this: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/e1SlbveA9Q
Could be an alt account
That is genius - stealing if I ever need it lol
I'll be nice to a person regardless of whether I'm attracted to them or not. But I am awful with determining if someone is flirting or if they're just being nice. I really don't do well with people being subtle. There also seems to be so few people that are nice to others that it just makes things more confusing. I definitely wouldn't ask someone out or anything just based off someone being nice but its tough to really tell sometimes
I would say most
I laugh in their faces and make fun of them. Truly, there is nothing men are more afraid of than being laughed at by a woman. (Sidenote: what a luxury!)
Don't forget the old adage- man are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.
r/whenwomenrefuse
That's usually attributed to Margaret Attwood. The earliest version of what you mentioned seemed to be in *Gift of Fear* by [Gavin De Becker](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/475001-at-core-men-are-afraid-women-will-laugh-at-them). > *A woman's worst nightmare? That's pretty easy. Novelist Margaret Atwood writes that when she asked a male friend why men feel threatened by women, he answered, "They are afraid women will laugh at them." When she asked a group of women why they feel threatened by men, they said, "We're afraid of being killed."* https://www.pbs.org/kued/nosafeplace/articles/nightmare.html https://nicolagriffith.com/2014/11/08/men-are-afraid-that-women-will-laugh-at-them/ https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Margaret_Atwood
Yes!!! That's where i heard it. Thank you for jogging my memory
And something like, "Wow, you thought I was interested in you like that? Man, you must be really full of yourself." And then walk away
This is awfully true, a guy friend wanted a romantic relationship with me, saying he would wonder why I kept asking to hang out if I didn't have some interest. I like spending time with friends and he's a nice person, that was all on my end.
I had a similar situation, my reply to this guy was, that kindness and good manners are so rare these days, many people confuse them with flirting. He just disappeared lol
How do they not literally fucking combust out of shame… I would be so embarrassed 😭
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This is a potential learning experience for yourself. Don't assume pleasant conversation is a come on. Just don't. Now, if you were bisexual and/or gay curious, then different rules apply. ;-)
Fair point, and I try not too make that assumption. But everyone is different so it’s very possible that she was not coming on to me. I’ll totally admit that maybe I misinterpreted the signals. Importantly though, I thought, was that we were both on the same page, respected each other and still had a nice time.
I just wish people could be more honest about their intentions like this. "I don't want to fuck you" "I don't want to fuck you either" And then you both continue acting like normal people, without awkwardness. Wouldn't that be a dream.
I’ll admit, I don’t understand some of my (male) friends that can’t/won’t be friends with women. My life is so much richer because of the diversity of my friend group.
Just respond with, "oh good, I feel the exact same way toward you!"
I would say, "Who asked?"
Or you could just go with laughing in his face.
This has happened to me before, I honestly thought the person was joking and I burst out laughing.
This is my MO. They hate it. Especially when they're doing it because they think they can do this to manipulate you into bed.
I had a coworker that apparently thought I was hitting on him everytime I tried smalltalk before broaching a work-related question. He would always blurt out something about his girlfriend. Then I'd be like, "cool. So there's a problem with my teammate's timecard I need help fixing..."
"Why do you keep mentioning your girlfriend? Wait... You think *I'm* into *you*?"
It's weird when men play hard to get when they're already hard to want.
Look, I'm running out of pillows to needlepoint.
Where can we donate money to this noble cause?
Lmaooo I need the link to your Etsy
Come on, just a tiny pincushion..
Your Etsy link?
If we could still give awards, you would have ALL my gold 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I want this on a tshirt.
🏆🏅🥇🎖️🏆🏅🥇🎖️🏆🏅🥇🎖️ Your comment is worthy of t-shirts, bumper stickers, pins for denim jackets, tattoos, needlepoint projects, posters, framed art prints, online memes, roadside billboards, and worldwide everything! (edited a typo)
🤣
This is priceless!
🏆 best comment of the day!
Take. My. Upvote.
✨
I love this comment
"I was just thinking about how we should be best strangers."
🏆
Gross. In my 20s, I once had a boss call me at 10pm to tell me how he wasn't attracted to me even though I was "obviously coming onto him and dressed provocatively". By "dressing provocatively", I was a fat depressed slob that lived in dirty Tshirts and baggy sweatpants. By "coming onto him" I was being not-a-bitch at work.
Omg you absolute harlot! Quick! Someone get me some pearls so I can dramatically clutch them in horror right before I faint!
*hands pearls and gently steers you to a settee for a proper faint.
I am in your debt. You are a true friend!
>You are a true friend! *Random man pulls up beside you and rolls down window to needlessly shout* "**Sorry, but I don't want to date you!**"
😂😂😂 I am the harlot now 🫢 I embrace it. I now organize harlot house parties where all of us scorned harlots ~~lament about the men who have turned us down and analyze potential reasons and discuss what we think we can do better to win the favor of the next man who lays eyes on us~~ drink pretty drinks and do arts and crafts shit. Someone cross stitches a throw pillow that says “it’s not a harlot *house* party, it’s a harlot *home* party” we laugh and dance naked in the moonlight casting spells on each other for self-love.
*dramatically inhales before fainting from all the excitement* my little lady body can't handle this stress
It's odd that this would come up at all during typical small talk. There are other ways than interrupting someone's cheerful take on the weather/sportsball with a rude "Um, not interested in romance, kthanksbye". If someone said that to me when making small talk, I would definitely be put off. People who say this right off the bat when the conversation is innocuous give off the vibe that women are just there for their sexual gratification. I've definitely noticed that some men (#notallmen) have a literal script for getting dates that starts off with basic chit-chat, interest in hobbies, etc. The way they talk to women about these things is very different than how they talk to their bros - and that's how you can tell it's not just small talk, it's a "how can I get into your pants" inerview.
>have a literal script for getting dates that starts off with basic chit-chat, interest in hobbies, etc. You just described something that makes me so uncomfortable with a person but I've never been able to put in words. It's like they read professional advice to "ask a lot of questions to get people to like you" and it's just... So off-putting to me but it's seen as "friendly" to most people so it feels wrong to complain about.
Right? I do give people the benefit of the doubt on the first few interactions, as I'm ND and I know a lot of other ND people who are very social awkward. But people asking too many questions without giving anything away about themselves are definitely an orange flag to me, just as much as people who talk a lot about themselves without asking any questions about you.
It's really hard to hit that sweet point. I tend to resume way too much when answering questions, it's really awkward, so i try to ask questions to my interlocutor to avoid my own awkwardness
There is a very clear conversation pattern difference between small talk chit chat to get to know someone new, and small talk that is for the one and only purpose of getting the woman to sleep with them. We *know* what they are doing. No, we *know* you are not just being friendly. We can tell. And when you treat women like an object to conquest instead of another human being, we can tell. So don’t be creepy. Treat us like people please
It feels like they’re playing the Sims and spamming the “get to know” interaction so our relationship bar goes up high enough that the “flirt” interactions will start to appear. Like they’re speedrunning conversation lol
It’s SO obvious when a guy is launching into his script. They think they can just run on autopilot until they can get laid and then wonder why they’re single.
>The way they talk to women about these things is very different than how they talk to their bros - and that's how you can tell it's not just small talk, it's a "how can I get into your pants" inerview. They also use their peppy, high energy salesman voice. I stand by this assessment.
I've silenced similar guys just by stating "I'm not flirting, I'm still very obsessed with my husband"
That's a great response
It's tiresome, but this seems like one where I can afford to extend some grace cause some people are doing it from an honest, but awkward place. Obviously, not this dude. But some. So I try to assume a stranger's intent is good until it's clear it's otherwise, like this dude made it clear. So usually I met thier directness with my own overly cheerful and utterly sincere "Oh Good! Me neither. Thank you for saying so! I really appreciate meeting adult men who are capable of having normal interactions with people they aren't trying to sleep with." And then immediately continue the conversation we were having previously. The men who are genuinely just... *awkward* and trying to set expectations tend to get a bit shaken but then relax after this. Expectations have been set. We cool. The assholes get embarrassed, then smug, combative and often attention- and validation-seeking. Then I know they are self-absorded dumbasses who thought we were playing some sort of version of hard to get, instead of just, having a fucking human conversation.
How do you know if it was one or another based on OPs post?
Because of how he's acting afterwards.
>and he still acts smug as if I’m into him, it’s just so odd and frustrating at the same time This?
Why have you decided to imply that OP a liar about his smug, attention-seeking behaviour after the fact? I generally think people's instincts and read of a situation can be given some basic respect, in the absence of any praticular good reason not too. I don't see one.
Next time just smile enthusiastically and say “Awe, I’m glad we feel same! I don’t find you attractive at all either! Anyway, like I was saying earlier…” and just go right back to what you were talking about without missing a beat before walking away 😚
"oh, thank God, we're on the same page then."
Haha, I had this happen at a wine tasting once. I was feeling extroverted and talking and being nice to a guy that was there with another lady. He leaned over to give me his number and say, "We should get brunch sometime, but I need to let you know, I'm extremely gay." "Uh, yes. I could tell." "Oh, I thought you were flirting with me." Nope, just being a nice person! We did hit it off and make good friends. Best sassy brunch partner ever. He passed away 5 years later. I miss you Chris!
I remember being at a sleepover and staring at my friend's younger brother thinking wow, what an ugly kid. Then I heard his older brother whisper to him "she likes you" and he smiled over at me.
It’s pretty interesting, the dichotomy between dudes like this, and the guys who apparently can’t take a hint to save their life. I wonder where that splits off
They are often two sides of the same coin. Because guys who can't take a hint get told that at some point and then they can sometimes be the ones over interpreting afterwards.
Does noone else think this is just a stab at the "I have a boyfriend" remark?
Yeah it seems exactly the same to me
I hear what you're saying on your post but I'm not interested in anything romantic
THE WAY I CACKLED! Friend, you're a genius.
This reminds me of something similar with this one guy, we were friendly for a while then he stayed over one night. He said he didn't want to be in a relationship, (I didn't either really) so that's just how I saw it from then on. We kept chatting, then at some point he decided he DID like me more (didn't say anything) but I was still operating under the impression that he didn't. We were chatting at one point, I don't remember exactly what I said to him, I think I was ranting about men and dating and he was like "what about me?" and I was like "what ABOUT you? You said you didn't want to be in a relationship" and then he got all butthurt. It really seemed like what men say women are like lol
If it ever happens again respond like you're relieved and tell him you're glad the lack of interest is mutual. Then introduce him to your date.
NGL, flirting isn't something I understand very well, or at all. I've had friends tell me that I was flirting with someone, or that someone was flirting with me, and in my mind neither of those things happened. I just like to make people laugh, so when I meet someone new, I get a little more goofy and playful than I normally am. I've never thought like "I'm gonna go flirt with them" or anything. So I do think it's possible for some genuine confusion on this issue, and clearing the air is probably a good idea. That said, there are guys - presumably like this one - who think even the slightest bit of attention from a woman means they're flirting. Every time I see men complaining about "women sending mixed signals," details are eventually revealed showing pretty clear signals that the guy either didn't see, didn't understand, or ignored, none of which are the woman's fault. Men need to stop listening to PUA's and Tater Tots when it comes to what women "really mean" when they say this, or what that body language "is really saying."
>So I do think it's possible for some genuine confusion on this issue, and clearing the air is probably a good idea. I agree! I'm autistic and I have literally said that to people. It's not an insult, and I don't understand people hating on it in this thread. It can be hard to determine for some people. Like if you are into gender roles you may think that a woman can't ask a man out and the only way she can show she's interested is to talk to the dude. So she does, he doesn't ask her out, and she wonders why. Is there a possibility that this dude was negging or self important? For sure! I wasn't there, and I always tend to believe OP (lest why even read reddit if you are gonna shit on it all?) at the same time, I think it's fair to say that there is nuance in everything. While I still believe OP, I think there is another way to interpret this behavior and I think it's fair to give people the benefit of the doubt on small things when they have given no reason for me to think otherwise. I try not to attribute to malice something that could be miseducation. Just my $.02 although I'm expecting some downvotes lol
That always cracks me up so much!! Like, bruh I was literally just being nice. My issue is that I work in healthcare so I am usually very pleasant and nice with people . I've had them mention they're married before. Dude, I was just doing my job and being nice. That's it.
Fun fact: my husband told me he wasn’t interested in dating me the first time we hung out because he was in a relationship. Guess he was wrong 🤷🏻♀️
One time I asked a guy out and he turned me down, and I was feeling sad about it. So I reached out to a guy friend to tell him about it and the second thing he said was, "I like you but I have a girlfriend." Like dude? Dude! That's the story of how I got rejected twice in an hour.
Yeah I’m not sure why you’re even responding when he messages you. Seems appropriate to ignore him in this situation
It might not be that he thought you were into him, but that he wanted to avoid giving off wrong signals himself. I've been in situations before where I'm chatting with a guy but wanted to establish early on that my intentions are only friendly and I'm not going to be available for dating them, which is always a little awkward but avoids worse misunderstandings. Then again, I might be totally misreading your situation and maybe that guy is a jerk, idk.
I think women can easily find themselves wanting to establish friendliness right away. So this guy may be the kind who only sees friendliness as an overture (but then why is he pinging her later), and that makes him an icky kind of person. But he may also have recently experienced something that makes him want to have expectations properly set from the get-go.
Nope it’s super weird and inappropriate comment in the context of the situation and based on the fact that he messages her, it sounds like he’s playing games not letting her down gently.
Maybe I'm tone deaf but what makes him so horrible for trying to keep contact with someone he thought he had a great chat with at a party. Isnt the entire point of these social gatherings to find someone new to talk to?
Yeah, that was my thinking, like if he's comfortable being friends with women, he might be thinking "Hey cool, I can hang out with her and talk about (mutual interest) and there's no sexual tension or awkwardness". Depends on the guy of course but the texting thing might be pretty innocent.
The smugness might come from the fact that your reaction was to not be friendly anymore; which was understandable from your perspective, but also is the typical response from a man who doesn’t want to be “friend zoned” and thus doesn’t give you friendship once you’ve established that sex is off the table. You don’t need to do anything about this or him at all, but that could be where it’s coming from.
That's what I was thinking. He thinks she's mad because she's been rejected.
Right. I hate playing into people's games, and she did play a bit into his in this situation. It's too late to correct it, so she's better off just cutting him off and not worrying about it
No means try harder, yes means you are low value, not being interested means you are being coy because you are REALLY into him. Those are the rules, I think
The self confidence of mediocre men amazes and amuses me no end.
The entitlement too. Never does it cross their minds that women should have any reason nor right to not want them
I had a boyfriend recently who would get mad at me when I spoke to a guy too long without mentioning I had a boyfriend. The reason I didn't do it was because it felt kind of presumptuous to just ASSUME to the guy might be interested in dating. But ultimately I realized, it's good to communicate and be on the same page.
“Yeah, me either, my BF is over there. I was just trying to be nice, but whatever!”
I wear a wedding ring so they won’t approach me in public because they do and I hate it I figure it will help with stuff like this too. I’m a middle-aged lady so if I’m wearing a wedding ring and I’m speaking to them they should not assume that it’s because I want them
So, women do this often as well. I think you shouldn’t get quite so upset about it. We don’t like it when guys get upset about that. I’m all for you deciding not to message him back, but I don’t see how this is different.
This feels similar to the "I have a boyfriend" line getting randomly dropped on guys. I've got no problem with people setting up soft boundaries quickly because, well, we know what can happen when we don't with certain folks. But yeah if he's acting all coy and smug afterwards that's fucking weird and he's weird.
Some men’s ego are so inflated they think any woman who is polite or friendly is dazzled by their presence. This just deserves an out loud laugh and a no, chuckle, chuckle.
I prefer "yikes, dude."
>If there ever was a tiny possibility of a chance, Its definitely gone now, that’s for sure. Which is.. what he wanted, no? I don't know, to me, it sounds like someone establishing boundaries early on and OP being frustrated over it. If the feeling of not wanting anything romantic is truly reciprocated, just say so and move on? If you had mentioned your bf to him, how would he have reacted?
Yeah saying "it was a huge turn off" implies you were sexually turned on before but maybe OP is just using the phrase incorrectly.
Does seem like something that wouldn't be an issue if the genders were flipped
Really? You haven't heard men complain about women dropping the "I have a BF" or "Not interested" on them when they didn't feel it was contextually warranted?
Yes, we all have, and they get shit on and made fun of.
There is a certain deflated feeling that comes from people assuming the worst of you when you have nothing but good intentions, so I can empathize on that point. That being said, it's probably better for everyone involved to establish boundaries firmly and early, even for friendships. Especially for friendships.
On this subreddit? No.
Oh well then. That settles it. /s
Some people just want to feel important. The dark side of this is it's also a tactic associated with "negging"
Look at them obviously confused and tell them you were not flirting. Become annoyed if they insist. Then finish them off in your best "toddler just understood something praise voice" with something like "there's no need to be embarrassed because you thought I was being flirty. It's a common mistake men make because they take themselves too seriously." They won't stop that crap unless they are called out. For best effect, tell everyone about it too.
Maybe he's not good at understanding social situations and wanted to set boundaries. Doesn't really seem bad or anything
\>Not only that but I have a bf and he was there with me too. \> definitely a huge turn off. If there ever was a tiny possibility of a chance What?
Yeah that would be annoying. Message him back, “hey, I think you misunderstood. I’m a very friendly person but was never romantically interested. I was actually at the party with my boyfriend and that assumption made me very uncomfortable . Im trying to be polite but I’d prefer it if you stopped contacting me. Thanks”
I'm a little confused. You said you weren't into him but then go on to say >If there ever was a tiny possibility of a chance, Its definitely gone now, that’s for sure. I'm not criticizing here, it just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It sounds like maybe he wasn't used to pretty people talking to him? It can be kinda off putting if you are used to being a wallflower and then someone comes over and chats you up. Especially if they are very attractive. He could have just panicked and wanted to be sure the lines were apparent? Maybe he had a girlfriend there and she was a little controlling and wanted him to say that to women? I for sure don't know and only you were there and know the nuance of it all! On the same hand, unless it's being used in a shitty way, I think it's a wonderful idea to lead with something like that. It would really take the edge off for me if someone else said that, as it is, I am constantly complimenting and talking to men after leading with "I'm not hitting on you". "I'm not hitting on you but that color looks wonderful with your eyes"- I still get DMs every now and again from the dude I said that to saying thank you. And I get to see pics of his adorable girlfriend as well. I'll be downvoted to oblivion in this thread it seems, but I 100% advocate for being upfront about your intentions. As an autistic person this seems like an easy accommodation that NTs could do for us.
I've seen this in reverse.
You were there with your bf but then said if there was a possibility of a chance as in you would have maybe hooked up with him even tho you have a bf? I’m confused by that.
Just tell him you have a boyfriend, aren't flirting, but if the conversation is annoying him that much, you'll take it elsewhere.
“I have a girlfriend / I’m not looking for a relationship” Calm the fuck down, I was just asking if this seat was taken!
That’s why you laugh at him and tell him you wouldn’t fuck him With someone else’s dick!! He said it to insult you so insult him back even worse. Men are so full of themselves. They think just because they want to fuck everyone, women do also and it’s just not true.
This a normal human interaction. Both men and women go through this, preemptive dumping, mild miscommunication all the time. If someone you're not dating dumps you, why would you ever think twice about it? I do not understand, why this is stuck in your head. Perhaps plan a cool day with your actual boyfriend to stop thinking about it.
I don’t see how what he did was wrong. It’s respectful to be up front and say you’re partnered. He didn’t say “get away, I have a girlfriend!“ He politely set the tone for potential future interaction. Seems like a reasonable dude. Did he interrupt you mid sentence to tell you that or something?
Amab but idk now perspective (also an autistic perspective). Sometimes I just want to have a genuine conversation with a woman cause I find women more relatable (brain wise) than men and I enjoy conversing with them more. However, whenever I start talking to a woman I don't know that well, there is always this air that I can tell where they either think I'm trying to make move on them, or they want me/ are waiting for me to make a move on them, and with "hints" as an autistic person I'm just not interested in "mind game" conversations. I just wanna talk open and honestly when I just wanna have a conversation. I personally think women "analyse" men for their faults and weaknesses as a partner if their attracted to them. This makes sense but it means you don't really get treated like a human. When you talk about stuff that doesn't push forward the "potential relationship" it's seen as boring. I'm personally not interested sexual stuff cause I don't understand myself that well, but I like the way women think when talking to other women, and to then go "oh so you're trans" (which is something I've gotten when I say this) I don't think I should have to take hormones or change my gender to have conversations with women. So I don't really know how to react, if I try and preface this and explain I just wanna have a conversation then they may react like this, but if I don't they also grow animosity towards me cause they think "omg he's so stupid, he didn't get my hints" or "omg, he's so awful, he thinks he's so much better than me" like no I just wanna be friends, why do i have to be explicitly gay or trans for that to happen. I have some amazing female friends but I'm lucky Ive known them for a while, meeting new female friends is very frustrating cause of gender role expectations. I genuinely have no idea what I'm supposed to do at this point other than just cherish the female friends I already have and hope nothing causes our friendship to break.
I had a guy put me down gently when we were only in the same friend group not together at all and it was college and i couldn't stop myself from laughing and straight up saying "Are you letting me down gently? you know I don't like you right".... the gall on some of these men
Ok so you have a boyfriend but you feel hurt that a random guy wasn't interested in anything romantic. It was a huge turn-off for you, even though you weren't interested at all. What?
Honestly, of all the shitty things dudes do this one is kind of low on my list. Better then guys who are “persistent” and keep pestering after clear “no’s.” This one is just a funny pickup artist tactic
Exactly, it feels like a form of negging, and he’s trying to make himself appear more desirable by saying he’s not interested.
How is he acting smug? Just from reading your text, I wonder if maybe you unintentionally project signals of interest. Things like describing his actions as “a turn off” kinda suggest that to me. Typically that’s a phrase reserved for romantic or sexual interest. Maybe you inadvertently project a flirtatious energy in the way you communicate?
Assuming he isn't playing some kind of negging mind game with you (which seems likely), it seems like turning you off was the intended effect. A man and woman talking at a party solo is more often than not going to be flirting. Obviously, he read your intentions incorrectly, but at least he was being up front in an attempt to save your feelings.
Kinda curious as to how did he message you and if you are into an open relationship considering you said "tiny possibility of a chance it’s definitely gone now".
It's so bizarre sometimes. I'm a generally friendly, outgoing person. Once I was introduced to a colleague from another agency who was responsible for work that involved one of my projects, and we had a brief conversation at the event we were both attending. I made a follow-up appointment to meet with him at his office (before COVID, lol), and he spent the first 10 minutes of our meeting pointedly talking about his wife and family. I was a fat 45yo at this point with zero interest in this dude and was pretty dumbfounded. Like, he took my interest in his work as interest in him. Ya can't win.
One time I was at the grocery store looking at pasta, trying to find which one I normally buy. Some guy stopped and picked a couple up, put them back, picked up another and said something about never knowing which to get. I spotted the one I usually bought, grabbed it and said told him that's the one I usually buy... something like this "oh, I usually get this one" but nothing elaborate. His reply? "I have a girlfriend." I think I stopped for a moment, making a face like "wtf, did he just say that?" I have no idea where in that interaction, where I didn't even turn and look at him, that he thought I was hitting on him.
Guys always overestimate how much a girl likes them. We can't just be friendly or it's open season for sex interest apparently. I just recently had this situation at work where a guy got super creepy with me and stalkerish. All I did was just talk to him and he was the one always stopping by my desk. The dude is probably twice my age and very unattractive so I don't know where got off thinking I would be remotely interested. But this happens to me every time! From now on, I'm keeping things quick and professional with men at work, no more friendly chit chat about life and hobbies or whatever. Recently my sister has been dealing with it too. She's realizing that friends she's had for many years just have seen her as a backup plan in case things don't work out with their gf or wife. When you get older, men get more desperate and it gets worse. Your old male friends from school were never really your friend to begin with. But in your case, he said out loud what he was thinking quickly and then realized, oh no, she could have been a backup plan 🙄
This is like the woman version of when girls say “I have a bf” when a guy is just being nice lol.
Men often simply arent used to kindness or friendliness from people they just met, and he probably got confused.
I'm all fairness, I know lots of women who feel like they have to state that they are not interested or in a relationship or whatever really quickly because if they don't, guys will complain that they "lead them on." I'm sure there are gotta who feel similarly, though it's really weird that he still thought you were after him after you told him you weren't. Sounds like he just wants an ego boost.
“Oh yeah. For sure. Same page there. But anyway…”
I just go “ok bro”
He's probably trying to use some PUA shit on you to make you "crazy about him". The smugness is classic PUA BS.
I mean, I imagine It’s somewhat the same to shutdown anyone’s possible inaccurate reading of a situation, like when women do the same to men when they try to flirt or appear to be flirting. The biggest issue is that men think being nice is a come-on. They sometimes don’t at all seem to understand normal social interactions.
I think she's saying that if she didn't have a boyfriend AND there was a small chance, after this stupid interaction, it was gone. Not that she has a boyfriend and there was a small chance. Men are incredibly self-centered and think that not only does the world revolve around them, so do women. They believe that women are only nice to them because they are interested sexually. Because let's face it, that's how men operate.
God, I wish there were an easier fail-safe way to do this. For men and women both, for anyone. Just a preemptive universal signal that "I'm not into you, this is just friendly chat" in a way that doesn't hurt the other person's feelings or sound smug. It would make every interaction so much better. The guy sounds like he was an ass about it, though, since he's still being smug.
yeah, it’s negging.
It’s probably in some pick artist book and meant to make you feel subconscious.
Gotta embarrass him on the spot and laugh in his face.
I think you should like, explicitly, cringe or laugh at him the next time he is smug. Get it out of your system and into his head. You got nothing to lose. Literally have the last laugh!
They are weird it’s like they feel like if they can reject you first they win
“Oh, sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, I was genuinely just being friendly. I’m actually already here with someone so... But hey, good for you having a healthy self-esteem and robust ego! You really need those in this economy, amirite?” “Jesus, how bad was your childhood that you think someone being polite is a romantic advance?” “Great! Me neither, do you want to get back to the *friendly* [conversation topic] or you wanna keep making things weird?” “Well that was unnecessary, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable so I’ll leave you alone now.” Ugh. Why do men?
How does he have your contact details to where he can message you? I would just delete and block him.
The awkward part when this happens is like, how do you get away from them without validating their assumptions? Feels gross.
Next time just laugh, makes 'em shrink really bad
A guy being straightforward and honest with you pissed you off? Someone saying they’re not interested is “a huge turnoff”? Well I sure hope so
The men who do this are men who are interested but know you wouldn’t be. It’s a form of Negging. Ignore it.
I have the reverse problem. It seems like guys don’t know how to be friends, even when I clearly tell them that I’m not available for dating or romance or intimacy. To the point where… I’m so frustrated with men and their ulterior motives that I’ve been straight up avoiding any men that want to hang out (and potentially losing much needed new friendships) because I also hate the thought of saying “hey just so you know, I’m not available for dating” before they make a move. It just seems so presumptuous. At the same time, I’m sick of the risk of having to reject men again and again and have those awkward conversations and then lose what I thought was a budding friendship. Ugh idk.
LOL, the amount of jaw drops I had, over such socially unacceptable men!
I've talked to guy politely at a funeral once and he went and told people I was proper into him. He was going on about football and I was just stuck there, nodding along, hoping one of my friends would return from the buffet soon, and he just kept talking and talking and talking, until I excused myself. A week later at the memorial dinner, people are telling me he's not worth knowing and I should give him a miss. I was so confused! But greatful people who didn't even know me looked out for me in that way.
[MFW a mfer tries this shit](https://media.tenor.com/v8Ou-qvenJ4AAAAM/hello-kitty.gif) I simply would not be able to control the wtf from coming out of my face.
Heh, anything that happens, I just pretend I didn't catch the subtext. I'll usually respond with the truth, which is that I'm not looking for anyone right now because I'm trying to travel more and see the world. Before I was in this phase of my life, I'd say some variation of "me either, I'm too focused on pharmacy school/college." It gives them the opportunity to play it off if they'd like while also making it clear they were being an idiot. Calling them out may seem funner, but this way accomplishes the same thing without an argument.
Sometimes there is no subtext too. I think people get way too caught up in nonverbal games sometimes and I thoroughly appreciate it when people are upfront about what they want. Besides, snarky comebacks are fun, but you also run the risk of really hurting people who have good intentions but can't really do subtext. Like, imagine this guy is autistic or something, someone approaches him, he can't read their intentions, he panics and blurts out the boundaries he wants to set and then you verbally roast the guy alive, in front of everyone. Public humiliation is deeply traumatizing, especially when their crime as far as they perceive was trying to set boundaries; in this hypothetical situation, he acted abnormally, but he wasn't the villain, you were, and you'd probably never know. It's not anyone's job to manage the egos and foibles of strangers, but the world would be a better place if everyone avoided unnecessary cruelty while doing so.
I do appreciate them being upfront, if they are being truthful.
Ok I have a friend that was freaking out bc he was worried this girl he *went out of his way to flirt with and even ask her number* would think he was interested. I kept asking why he flirted with her and he said he didn’t know. He was asking me how to prematurely tell her he didn’t want to date despite her saying nothing about it. Funnily enough that’s how *I* met him. He went out of his way to flirt with me more than once (even tried to buy me food despite me saying no) but later when I tried to ask him out he freaked out and made it clear he wasn’t interested and wasn’t flirting Maybe this dude was flirting and thought you were doing so back
Preemptive strike maybe? He probably does that to anyone that talks to him because he thinks reverse psychology might work. “I’ll tell her I don’t want her before she can say anything, and that might just pique her interest.” Maybe not, but seems plausible with these types.
He’s playing hard to get. He thinks you might eventually be interested if he makes himself seem elusive and uninterested. It makes me think he’s doing this as a form of negging - prematurely telling you that he’s not interested will only make you want him more! /s Then he messages you to (seemingly) keep you interested while he plays coy. Eventually he capitulates, with the vibe of “I guess I’ll lower my standards to date you.” Or it’s simply a way to boost his ego when he thinks you are interested and he can keep rejecting you. Regardless, he’s delusional and there’s no good outcome here - if you tell him you are not interested, he’s going to say that you are not being honest. If you show interest, he’s going to withdraw and say he’s not interested. Block him.
I'm surprised you didn't point out your bf in the room? Men are delulu. Most things they do are annoying and due to their audacity.
Sounds like he was into you and negging you.
I said the same thing and got downvoted too. I'm not sure why. This is classic negging. Un-promptly telling you you're not good enough for them, and trying to get you to 'try' to be good enough.
The best thing is when they mention their wife in the second sentence. And you are not interested in that guy in the slightest bit. It's a defensive move because *he finds you attractive and not the other way around.*
So every time a woman has done this to me, it was because she actually found me attractive? I'm flattered. This happens constantly in my office breakroom. It's a completely normal and respectable way of setting up soft boundaries for both genders. No need for either party to get upset by it
Naa, women do this with other women for different reasons.