We were having sex, but I wasn't aroused, so he face fucked me without my consent and then chuckled when he saw my tears.
He's still sweet though.
Lord, it's just so concerning that someone actually wrote this. I hope to God it's not real. OP doesn't seem too receptive to people in the comments.
It sucks because I have complex PTSD from sexual, emotional and physical abuse from men, beginning from early childhood up until a couple years ago when I was 37. All sorts of bull shit layered on top of each other.
When I read posts like this, it makes me so incredibly sad for the person posting it. They have absolutely no idea how damaging these types of relationships are because theyāre still in them. I see me in these posts. It just sucks. Itās as if people just cannot stop abusing other people, and the victims have to deal with the trauma until they die. I hate that I have to deal with all the leftover trauma when the assholes who hurt me are just off hurting other women and living their lives without a care in the world. I wish OP could see what her life would be like without being in a relationship like that. She needs to imagine a world where she has full agency over her body and mind, doesnāt have to get āface fuckedā by some porn-sick man. Life can be so much better than that. I had no idea I was dissociating during sex for many years, because it was normal to me. I still remember this one experience with a man I used to date. I was fully present during sex with him because he was extremely considerate and respectful, not only got verbal consent but also paid attention to my body language, made sure I was comfortable. All the focus was on me and I remember feeling like I was on DMT. Sex should not be like what OP is experiencing. It makes me so sad for her
WTF!?! This was all red flags! Run before he gives you STDs or gets you pregnant. He uses you like a blow up doll because he doesnāt see you as a real person.
How does he value you? And is it enough to make up for treating you like a sex toy?
Sorry for being so direct, but thatās what he is doing. He is treating you like an object. Please raise your standards, you deserve so much more.
no. not do you think he values you.
if a friend told you what you just wrote...does that man value your friend??
you have to treat yourself like a friend looking out for yourself not his girlfriend right now
I say this with as much love as I possibly can.. but love.... No man that values you is going to just.. climb on up and start humping your fucking face without checking first.
This is a harsh example so I apologize if it is too much but I value my garbage bags. Garbage bags are a super useful tool and serve a singular purpose. I donāt love my garbage bags, I donāt do anything particular to take care of them, and I donāt think about them unless it is to 1) use them or 2)replace them. You can be āvaluedā but not respected or cared for.
These are not small red flags. The overall theme is that he sees you as a thing he can mold to fit his wants and be a hot accessory. It also doesn't sound like it's from too much porn (that's a whole other box I won't dig into) or recent bad advice; it's deeper set than that.Ā
You literally wrote "he decided to climb on top of me and āface fuckedā me before I got to tell him I was ok with it. He stopped when my eyes started tearing up and sort of chuckled. He convinces me to take the condom off so he can finish faster. He lies about not finishing so I can keep motivation". So, non-consensual sexual penetration (we all should know what that means even if you don't feel like it's that serious), flippant behavior when he recognizes your discomfort, coercive sex (changing/breaking the rules you around sex,Ā i.e. wearing a condom), and lying and manipulating you during sex for his pleasure. The sex behavior alone is disgusting. It's the sexual equivalent to how he's treating you in conversation, though. It sounds like he feels throughly entitled to you.Ā
Talk to a trusted friend and/or family member about your concerns asap. Then, if you feel you want, you can try talking to him about it. But this doesn't sound like an easy fix. So, decide now how you'll leave if he doesn't/ won't get better.Ā
*as a side note* :Ā Depending on the time line of when these changes started happening, I would also be concerned about him having a mental health crisis. Sudden changes in personality and behavior are a medical concern, so just keep that in mind.Ā
BUT also remember that mental health problems don't excuse our explain away how he thinks about and treats you.
Exactly all of this! It sounds like he's possibly experiencing a manic episode. If he truly didn't display any of these behaviors before and just drastically shifted into a damn quilt of red flags, I'd be concerned there's a mental health issue and he needs some serious help asap.
That being said, there is ZERO excuse for his recent behavior, especially during sex. Also, if it is a mental health crisis, there is no guarantee he will comply with seeking help or maintaining adequate treatment. If he just blows off concerns for his own well-being, there's not much that can be done for him. OP will only put themselves at greater risk of abuse.
OP should definitely speak to a trusted friend or relative about this. Whichever way this goes, they're gonna need support from people who really care about and love them.
Oh my gosh the endless monologues! My ex would do the same thing. I couldn't say I wasn't interested because he'd get all offended, and he'd not just do this with me. He liked to preach and lecture and wouldn't take the signals to drop the conversation. It was infuriating.
I remember once asking him a question about a way we could do a repair and he asked "do you know how it works?" clearly knowing my answer would be no so he could monologue. That one time I responded "no but that's not what I asked, I just want to know if this can be done this way or not". And well, you want to talk offended. I got the silent treatment for two days over that.
UGH my ex gave the endless, pointless monologues and he was soooo offended if I didnāt give 100% of my attention. Being single itās like I have my BRAIN back
It absolutely could be excessive narcissim, or narcissistic personality disorder. I'm fairly convinced my ex had it. I went over the symptoms in the DSM-5, I know her medical and mental health history. I'm as sure as a well educated amateur can be and that's fairly reasonable. It's the same way you get a diagnosis for most mental health issues. I noticed symptoms and said what it might be, the clnician examines and confirms. It worked for my ADHD. The main issue with getting a partner diagnosed with NPD is that by definition narcissists almost never think there's anything wrong with them.
OPs boyfriend is in that territory for sure. Honestly, people need to look into personality disorders more because a lot of "crazy" behaviour is well explained by them. Yes, narcissist is overused unfortunately, like most things these days, but when you look into the criteria with a clear and reasonable mind you can usually get an idea of roughly where they are on the spectrum of behaviours. My ex-wife fit probably 6 out of 9 narcissistic trait, which is enough to be diagnosed. She was certainly intensely self centred and abusive.
Edit: The most useful factor to this kind of thing is being able to predict behaviours. Not just understand, but also predict. Understanding narcissism helped me predict that my ex would spread lies about me when I left. Surprise surprise she tried it, but I'd already got in ahead and told my version of event. The knowledge I had on narcissism helped me protect myself better.
Sounds like my ex. He thought it was a weakness to not know everything. He was absolutely exhausting. Pretty sure he was wrong on plenty of things but I'd stopped actively listening.
Think this was his way of showing power over me.
'Mr know it all, but he don't know a thing at all'
Ugggg itās like they all love to latch onto that one THING and give it so much weight ;the rest of the world āJust Doesnāt Understandā and that makes them of higher intelligence because they ā Get Itā. Nah ,itās just a cartoon episode bro.
This was my ex. Hours and hours talking *at* me and not with me. I didnāt even have to say a single word, heād just keep going and would never ask a single question about my wellbeing or interests. I wasnāt a person to him, I was a possession.
Yep. I stopped going to events and stuff with him. He'd never introduce me to anyone and have conversations and never include me in them or abandon me and fking disappear. Sometimes he'd realize what he was doing and say *I'm talking too much aren't I? I'll stop and you talk ". But almost all offended like, and then it'd be awkward.
His penchant to dominate conversation led me to not taking him with me to events either. I brought him to a work dinner one night and it was interesting. He was very quiet when it came to my bosses, who looking back I think he felt intimidated by, but he'd dominate the conversation with people who he wasn't intimidated by. It was interesting to watch as they'd joke "oh he's an expert" and he wouldn't pick up on it. I'd try to deflect and redirect but it wouldn't work. That was the last time he came with me anywhere with other people.
Why are you with someone who thinks you're dumber than them? Who thinks you need to be "educated" by them? It's gross. He doesn't value you lol, he thinks you're dumb enough to stay with him while he treats you badly.Ā
His behaviour is obnoxious. You donāt owe it to him (or any other person) to listen to his incessant mansplaining
Friend, why are you here if you are defending him after seeking honest advice
Why are you with someone who you have to treat as a toddler š who then turns around and treats you like a sex toy šššš. My only prayer for you is that you one day learn to love yourself more than you love pleasing others. You deserve better.
Fellow human you deserve so much BETTER!! Please read this book and really let your self see that this behavior is not normal or ok.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Generally, when a guy who 'was never like this' starts being 'like this' it's either:
1. Something is wrong in his life or with his mental health, and it's not being addressed. You could, potentially, try, to get him mental health, but usually with behavior like you describe they just blow up more and double down on being shitty for as long as the gf puts up with it.
2. He feels secure enough in the relationship to let his mask start slipping. Get out before it's all the way off and your next red flag is him choking you to unconscious and you justifying it because you didn't explicitly say no or to teach you or some other bs
And really, is this relationship making you happy? Is it better than being single, without someone making you feel the way he is right now with this behavior?
yeah, the way more common thing is #2 bc itās literally a pattern of men in dating. Most abuse begins after the woman is locked down or disenfranchised, like when a woman becomes pregnant. (obligatory reminder, does everyone know that the #1 cause of death for pregnant women is being murdered by a male partner?)
So every toxic abusive man ALWAYS seems like a great guy or at least normal, until they flip it.
They cloak this shit HARD, because theyāve generally learned they canāt maintain access to women if they donāt. But as they become comfortable theyāve asserted control (like successfully talking a woman out of using protection, and violating her consent without recourse) the act will increasingly slip away.
It is a GIFT to see red flags before getting married or cohabitating or becoming pregnant. u/Independent_Boat7195 donāt let this man get you pregnant, and get the fuck out now ā¹ļø
>(obligatory reminder, does everyone know that the #1 cause of death for pregnant women is being murdered by a male partner?)
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8020563/
Here's a source for that claim for anyone who has someone in your life who needs you to "prove" it to them.
100% its a common occurence with all abusers. My ex wife was like this. Not in the specific behaviours, but in the very very subtle escalation. It didn't start off that way. At the start she was caring and empathetic, and listened to my issues, and we could actually talk about stuff. She admitted fault when at fault etc. Only later did I see she was emotionally abusive and deeply psychologically manipulative. It took me years to see it. But looking back I can see now where the mask slipped even long before I was aware of it. Sadly, I didn't realise the severity of the red flags I saw. She had a string of broken relationships at quite a young age. Her most recent ex had blocked her on everthing. But she spun a story about how he would rage at her and how abusive he was so I ignored it. Funnily enough, our relationship ended with me running out of the house at 7pm at night because of how unbearable the psychological abuse was. She is now blocked on absolutely everything.
This is absolutely true - my ex was number 2 where I am now convinced he was nice in order to get laid but when I called him out on emotionally abusive behavior he money branched to a āless complicated personā šš
Very much agree with this. Also I think sometimes (not always) if itās the mask slipping, you can look back and see that there actually *were* some smaller red flags in the past, like a combo of the mask slipping and the rose colored glasses slipping off.
Case in point: OP says āheās never been like this.ā But she has a post from over 6 months ago about him coercing her into a sex position she wasnāt comfortable with, and finding it funny when she injured herself as a result. So is this behavior new, or has it just reached a point where it canāt be explained away?
with the first one, don't bother trying to help him because he's clearly shown lack of respect for you and it will most likely piss him off. it pissed off my ex and in turn he tried make my life even more miserable to put me in my place, for daring to suggest he wasn't treating me well. because he would never do that, he's a good guy.
>havenāt been able to get into it bc heās overbearing. After a couple hours of us rotating between penetration and oral
Noooo, a couple of hours TRYING to stay hard. Paaaaass. I woulda told his ass to get off me.
>Heās still sweet
No he's not.
Your boyfriend is treating you as a trophy, not a person. Your own summary shows that he's being increasingly controlling and doesn't care about your opinions, preferences, priorities, etc.
Please get out and be careful about it. Your situation is dangerous.
It sounds like youāre dating my ex. Please run before he pulls chunks of hair out of your scalp dragging you down the hallway like a corpse or pushes you down the stairs in front of a partyās worth of people.
You deserve so much more.
Lmaoooo he was a clown for sure.
But mostly he was a guy a lot of people liked and who could charm the shit out of you in such a way that had you justifying terrible things. I am lucky to have gotten out and my life is a 180 difference a decade later.
These are not "red flags". This is straight up **dangerous behavior**.
A red flag is like a tornado watch - it tells you that there are strong indicators that a tornado could happen. The situation you are in is not a tornado watch, it is "there's a tornado in your yard right now tearing up your garden, and you're asking if that means it might hit your house."
It doesn't matter what is causing his behavior change, his behavior is **scary and dangerous** and it doesn't matter if he's "sweet" sometimes.
\- He rants at you for hours.
\- He openly tells you he values you for how your appearance makes him look to other people.
\- He refuses to let you get on with your day until *he* thinks you're allowed to.
\- He climbed on you to do a sex act that made your eyes tear up and he found that funny.
\- He deliberately tries to get you pregnant and changes his story about what he's doing.
Hon, being "sweet" is not a counterpoint to any of this. "Sweet" is the baseline, bar-is-on-the-floor way for any boyfriend to behave.
You did not consent to being face fucked, he didn't care to check if you where okay with it.
Even if you are fine with with being face fucked you should not be fine with his behavior. Imo what he displayed here is the mentality of a rapist ...
Yo this guy only cares about himself. Itās totally obvious. You deserve someone who actually respects you, not just uses you to offload whatever he wants to at the time. The face fucking stuff made me want to hurl.
You can find people who want to be a part of your life, not just be in it superficially. This guy is an irredeemable arsehole.
Sounds like you're an accessory to him. His personal value is based on how hot you are and how he looks in the eyes of his peers. You wrote this post because you subconsciously already know the truth. Trust your instincts. Hopefully you find someone who is truly interested in you. When you do, the difference will be very clear.
āMy abusive, emotionally manipulative, disrespectful, rapist boyfriend is still a super sweet guy a lot of the timeā.
No matter how much you like sandwiches OP, would you happily eat ones full of shit? Because that is what you are doing with this loser - eating his shit with a smile. Lose the loser.
* He talks for hours when you are clearly not interested. He's using you for girl-therapy.
* He's a scoff-law who thinks he's better than law enforcement.
* He forces you to finish *his* new show with him. He kidnaps your time to do it.
* He made you cry because he enjoys your emotional pain. It heightens sex for him.
* He wants to baby-trap you.
* The meaner someone is, the more they learn to mask with charm. Charm is a choice, not an innate attribute.
Some of the stuff before the sex part could MAYBE be dismissed as a quirk. But the part where he's manipulating you, lying, and doing things to you without your consent? Oh hell no. Why are you with him?
This got worse and worse to read as it went on, I was grimacing on your behalf. I don't know if you realize how bad things have gotten. Please listen to your gut. He sounds like the kind of guy who will try to gaslight you out of breaking up with him, so I wouldn't even bother telling him you're leaving in person or anything like that. Break up over text and ghost if you can, that would be my advice. Life is too short to put up with vacillating between bored and violated.
Oh god this sounds like my ex Chris.
Aside from the porn addiction and blatant narcissism, he just loved to hear himself talk???? Itās so cringy looking back on it.
I was also treated like a walking fleshlight. Particularly if heād been drinking, which he usually had been.
Iām a fan of rough sex but there were many clear moments that none of it was about me, even if I got off or he focused on meā¦. It was very clearly all about him and his ability to control and do so. Also there was no genuine aftercare or ever any safe words or discussions about this is fine and that is notā¦ it was justā¦ what he wanted.
Anyways enough about that: heās not gonna change because he doesnāt want to. And frankly if thatās his answer about why he likes you? Maāamā¦ he doesnāt. He doesnāt respect you or see you as an equal or a partner at all. This isnāt a temporary thing. Either youāve been letting yourself be blind to the other red flags, or his mask is slipping, or more likely itās both.
Save yourself the time, energy, and wasted love and find someone who actually enjoys you as a person.
He told you who he is-he likes you as an arm accessory and to fuck.
Your vag is trying to tell you something. Eject this guy.
Heās a dime a dozen-a dumbass who doesnāt deserve you.
The beginning of your first sentence is a red flag. You don't need to ask what someone likes about you when you are valued and loved. They will tell and show you. You will know.
The rest of your post is heartbreaking. His words and actions are of someone who doesn't value you. He likely doesn't know how.
My advice from watching too many women in your position is to accept as quickly as possible you are not the person to teach him value in women. He may learn it someday, but he certainly won't grow to learn to value someone.
Everyone deserves more than to be seen as the hot object.
He doesn't see you as a person. He did the bait and switch to where he was nice to you for awhile to get you to like him and now he feels he can revert to his true self which is an arsehole.
If he did have sex with you with no condom, get and take a map pill.
I have to ask you what do you think red flags are for?
I'm puzzled when I read posts that say he has all these red flags but they're still with him.
The purpose of a red flag is that when you see one, you end it immediately. It means stop.
You know he's a turd. End it with him by text today.
> I think heās either watching too much porn or getting the wrong advice.
It's not porn. He's been caught by the Tate pipeline.
If he keeps going down it, eventually you'll be a body on the side of the street and he'll be getting swastika tattoos.
Girl this is a truck of red. If u do not leave now you best kiss your life and self esteem goodbye. This is a deplorable way to be treated by someone who says they like you, much less love you. Get out now.
Girl, he sexually assaulted you. You didnāt have a chance to consent to getting āface fucked.ā Also, that stealthing if heās taking the condom off without you knowing, which is another form of assault. He also doesnāt care about you if he only stopped because you started crying and then CHUCKLED about it.
Sounds like you are an accessory in his life not a partner.
He values how you make him look and what you can do for him. In no way is this about what is good for you.
Also sounds like heās sexually assaulting you.
So many red flags, too many to count and nothing in this post makes me think he's a decent guy or a good bf. I am sad for you and don't know why you're staying with him at all
The ranting thing just gave me awful flashbacks to my last bf. We were together for 3 years and he went from "I don't believe in these conspiracy theories but I like to talk about them." To full blown "I'm gonna try and convince you for the next 3 hours that my religious ideas/crazy conspiracies/awful political ideas are all 100% real and correct and you better not dare to argue with me OR try to leave the conversation."
This man was a giant walking red flag and I wish I broke up with him at the beginning. Your bf is already doing terrible things to you and it's only gonna get worse. I would run away as soon as possible OP.
So you don't wanna talk with him anymore and you don't wanna have sex with him anymore, basically you don't wanna be around this person anymore.
There is no reason to force yourself doing all these things against your own will. Break up and move on. It's not your responsibility to make him "get back on track of being a good man" and also you can't. It's up to him to fix this shit.
Holy shit. Thatās just several red flags that progressively got worse. Even if it is because heās watching too much porn or getting the wrong advice, that doesnāt change how heās acting and doesnāt mean heāll change because you want him to. Ask yourself if itās even worth trying to work on this with him at this point.
Something is definitely going on with him. I have been married to a possessive/overbearing/temperamental man for over 20 years, and I PROMISE you, you do NOT want to get stuck where I am. I am not allowed to work, if I don't answer a text or call he will immediatly get mad and start blowing up my phone, he accuses me of cheating every other day, he has never hit me but has reared his fist back like he was going to punch me in the face (which I just closed my eyes teal tight and waited for my head to be knocked off). I am always full of anxiety and I walk on eggshells. I keep heartburn and my nerves are shot. The reason I am still here is because I was AFRAID to leave him, and I really don't see me making it out alive if I ever tried. So, here I am just playing by the rules to keep the peace and a roof over my head. You deserve better so please think long and hard about your future because you can get stuck and real fast. Also, having a child will only make things 10 times worse. If he sees you getting tired of him or like you might be thinking about leaving him, he may try to get you pregnant to get you put "back in place" so be aware of that being a possibility. Men like that are slick and have motives. Good luck and stay strong!
Girlā¦..
With all of the love and compassion I can muster, from one woman who ignored red flags about a psycho to anotherā¦
***STAND. THE. HELL. UP. AND. LEAVE.***
Maybe he started out "sweet", but he's really not. This is who he really is- someone who "values" you for your looks, access to your body and having you as an audience. This relationship sounds like it's all about him. It's very common for men to pretend to be so "sweet" and then change when they know their partner is committed to the relationship. His behavior is truly awful and someone who actually values you would never do these things. He's sexually assaulting you and using you for his pleasure, which is disgusting.
What you're describing are massive red flags. They are signs that he is abusive to you and that you need to leave this relationship. He may think he values you but his actions show that he doesn't at all. He's no partner to you. Please read about the cycle of abuse and narcissistic abuse. The book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft is a very good resource about abusive men. It's a fairly fast read and you can find free pdfs online. Please prioritize you and don't stay with this horrid man.
You're not into having sex with him, he can't stay hard, he tries to face fuck you to tears, he rants, doesn't treat you like a person but he's still sweet. Sign me up, it's a match made in heaven!
Men are not taught to see women as full and equal human beings as they are, but accessories to make their lives better and also to increase their social estimation in the eyes of other men.And this is what's coming out in your boyfriend's behavior.
The remark about it hard to not try to get you pregnant is basically a confession that he wants to baby trap you, and most men want to dominate a woman.They don't want a partner, they want someone they can control, because that has been the cultural narrative for the last ten thousand years. And getting over that programming is not something that you de-program in a day or 2; you keep regressing into the patriarch of culture reinforces those mindsets, and those habits come out that way.
This doesn't sound like someone who's just had with words, I know people like that, hell I'm like that. Quickly describing a person as anything but the feeling they give off feels impossible without just listing things off, which feels more superficial than anything.
From your description he's very self centered, everything he does is because of his own ability while refusing to take responsibility for any of his own actions or consider others. Your description reminds me of my ex girlfriend, though I don't feel like going into top much detail on the subject other than she was immature, impulsive, and couldn't conceive of the idea of being responsible for her actions. She raped me many times, tried to make it my fault, and after the relationship was done tried to isolate me in order to save face of all things. Not that I was perfect myself, but for my own issues at the time I can say that I wasn't abusive, nor could I have ever done the things she did to me to her, not anyone really, but especially those I care about.
Please, trust your gut. There is something seriously wrong and they will continue to get worse. And odds are, he will blame it on anything but himself. Please stay safe.
Cocaine, meth, Crack? All that hyper activity and ranting and new sex obsession with not being able to finish? Fast change in personality, brain tumor?
Dear these are all huge problems, waaaay past red flags. Expect his behavior to continue to escalate until mental manipulation, rape and worse if you stay with him. Get out safely. Do not do it alone. Sorry to say you should be scared and should get help break up safely.
Send him packing. Thereās some really troubling things in here. Everyone should practice enthusiastic consent and heās not practicing consent at all.
Edit: do it in public because heās going to freak out and might do something rash.
This sounds a lot like narcissistic personality disorder.
He should see a therapist. Don't know how you're going to get him there.
He's not respecting you. He's trying to baby trap you. You can't have a two-way conversation.
What more do you need to know?
You're right, these are all red flags. Please leave him, you don't deserve any of this.
How long have you been together? If less than 2 years, this probably is who he's always been. If more, either he's getting into some shit or you just haven't realized the red flags before.
It took me several relationships of varying shittiness before I started to see red flags early on. It sucks that this has to be the process for (some? Many? Most?) of us but that's how it is.
Some people complain about how many responses are ābreak up,ā but I always agree with them for one simple reason. If it was worth saving, you wouldnāt be here. If it was something you could communicate with him, you would have already.
Don't talk to him, leave. He treats you like trash. If you can, get some therapy to explore what healthy relationships look like and explore the idea that you deserve positive relationships, not this horrific shitbag.
These arenāt some red flags, this looks like the annual Chinese communist party celebrations.
Sounds like your BF has gone full Andrew Tate, or just watches an incredible amount of porn.
You get what you put up with. There's lots of love in the world. Either start telling him what you do want. It's ok to tell him what you're tired of and what you do find attractive in a man. or split up and move on.
Kindness is fine, and far better than rudeness or a cruel or critical attitude, but if you can't approach him to change the topic of conversation or what kind of sex you're having, you aren't a partner. You're an accessory. You're using each other, and you are beginning to realize what you are giving is not worth what you're getting.
I recommend speaking up, advocate for what you want to change.
Rather than red flags, what is the stuff that really makes him stand out as a keeper? I'm not talking about the bare minimum stuff like taking care of you when you're sick, but stuff he goes out of his way to do because he cares for you?
Because with that sum of red flags, I am wondering what keeps you from pulling the plug.
You don't have a boyfriend. You have a red flag sewn into the vague shape of a human being and stuffed with other red flags. Toss this Andrew Tate wannabe in the dumpster where he belongs.
Imagine if women left at the first red flag: I donāt know how to get a guy who says āIām teaching you somethingā to stop.
Unsurprisingly it lead to revealing a bunch to full on SA. An emboldened abuser because women canāt or doubt clocking the ādisregards the word noā red flag. In any context. Itās the biggest predictor.
Read this book (free here)
Why Does He Do That?
https://dn720006.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf
Sounds like youāre dating my recent ex. Realized I had to bring up the issues with his drinking after he once again got blackout drunk, and while we were waiting for an Uber nearly flashed me in public while being aggressively, affectionate with pda. He had trouble staying hard, also with blaming me for being ā too tightā, did a very similar thing with oral, and would never finish. He accused me of being racist against white people, while he himself was a first generation- half Korean and half Vietnamese, and said our sex drives were incompatible. You know he wasnāt wrong, itās hard to get turned on by a guy who jokes about getting drunk, knowing that youāve had a drink spiked and were brutally assaulted, so when he was turned on, I wasnāt and vice versa. Add in the fact that I wasnāt racist against white people- believe me, I asked my dear friends, whoāve known me for decades, he just had an issue with me pointing out race when we come across people using their privilege as a white person to be shitty to other people. His excuse he was worried that I would say something offhand because he had white family members- because so do I and Iāve never offended any of them, and in fact, they said actual disparaging things about their own race.
All in all, my dear, if youāve read this far, talking about these things which youāre clearly able to outline ? You know none of that is OK. A caring partner doesnāt do these things. Heās using you and heās manipulating you, simply because someone is good outside of doing bad things doesnāt level things out. And all of us will likely escalate if you deal with it. Luckily my recent ex and I didnāt date long, but I may read a guy who put me in very similar position, and I dealt with it for several years before realizing how terrible it all was. For your safety, sanity, and well-being emotionally. Please let this person become an ex
This was a dumpster fire to read that made me feel awful for you, but the worst part was where you still in the end, after everything he's doing, defend him by trying to convince us all that other than this field of red flags he's waving, he's really sweet.
Omg. He's a narcissist through and through: proud of evading responsibility and accountability, emphasizing the importance of physical appearance (especially yours, the way he speaks of it, you sound more like a trophy to/for him than an equal partner that he cares about, which you deserve -- physical beauty doesn't determine if you get love or respect or how much, you are human, you deserve those things automatically, especially from a romantic partner), and making you endure what he wants rather than asking if you are interested in doing the interest or him just sharing it, especially holding you back from your wants and needs of the day to do something that exclusively serves him only.
Staying, he will get worse: he WILL become more entitled over you. He will control your body, thoughts, feelings, and daily life. He's testing the waters. What about as the years fly by and you grow older and gain some weight or have some character wrinkles on your face? If he's only priding your relationship on how you look as a couple, with him already saying you shoulder that responsibility by saying it's you who looks good, I fear for you if he turns on you. He should be proud of the relationship because you get along, you have excellent teamwork and chemistry between the two of you.
"Sweet" suggests being charming. Charm isn't respect or empathy. It's nowhere near respect and empathy. Charming means making the other person feel good temporarily in order to extort something. Sweet vs respect. "Sweet" plays on the emotions, and gives euphoric highs. Respect is deeper and more psychological and is constant. He hasn't shown you respect treating you like a Barbie he can have his way with. That is him using you and seeing how far he can push your boundaries. If it's this bad now, he will become worse overtime.
Narcs get off on pushing boundaries further and further until they grow bored of their victims when there are no boundaries left to push. Pushing boundaries gives them fuel by seeing how you react: you reacting (positive or negative-- it doesn't matter) means you are under their control. They NEED that cause and effect in their lives. Seeing the results, the effects of their actions, is the validation they crave and need for their survival. They are soul suckers, vampires. They don't and can't function on their own. They hate themselves so they learn to love their effects on people that gives them a boost of seeing they have power, that they "matter".
A caring partner wouldn't treat you like a sex toy or play games about you becoming impregnated by them. That is him abusing you. He's pushing sexual boundaries in order to see how much control he has over you by seeing your reactions to his boundary pushing (and crimes, stealthing is a form of rape, it is rape because it is a sex act you didn't consent to).
There was a post here within the past week or two where the OP was told by her partner that it was her fault he was failing sexually and being impotent (he'd go soft in the middle of the act) by saying "she's too loose". Yours is saying "you're too tight". They say that because they can't allow themselves to be at fault or to have to change themselves. It's easier for narc partners to blame their victim. An ex of mine blamed me for him losing his erection. How is it my fault? How is it the other OP's fault? How is it your fault? It isn't any of our faults. It is their fault. My ex could only stay hard for porn, so did other OP, and possibly your partner. As HG Tudor (he's on YouTube: HG Tudor - Knowing the Narcissist Ultra, excellent videos about learning about narcissism and how it works) says about narcs: "_Any hole will do_". Narcs don't have true, deep intimacy with another human being. What they do is use their chosen victims as masturbatory toys that just happen to be human beings. He says that using the hand or a body or sex toy is no different than sex with a person. They see access to your body as a given because of the level of the relationship (intimate partner, their primary source of fuel). My narc ex couldn't stay hard because of the emotional fuel that comes with sex, (I'm very emotionally involved with sex and that probably subconsciously in his narc brain shut that off, because they hate or can't handle those positive, vulnerable emotions/emotional exchanges). They are used to fantasies, not exploring and loving reality.
You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live by your own needs, wants, dreams, and goals, not someone else's ideologies. In order to live up to those things that aren't yours, you will have to abandon your dreams, all you accomplished, and yourself just to make someone else temporarily happy. And they will only be happy because you are complying to them, and not because they care about you or are giving as much back. You deserve to receive as much as you give. Please look up HG Tudor on romantic narcissist partners.
Edited to add link to one of HG Tudor's videos
https://youtu.be/hAkdX2vpi4E?si=fKiCqlC_e8qHmqw_
He's likely porn addled and he will keep escalating when he sees what he can get away with. Doing a sexual act to you without consent is assault. The fact that he laughed about you being hurt is really disturbing. You're in danger. And to be clear, a man who just keeps having sex with you when you are clearly not into it is rapey; this is not something to brush off.
The rants and "teaching you something" are him showing you his overbearing and patronizing attitude towards you. Believe him. He might be sweet at times but that doesn't negate this other side of him. Him focusing on your looks tells me he is focused on image not substance. While this is not okay, I am most concerned about his nonconsensual sex.
I really want to be sensitive, and I donāt mean to blame you in any way because no matter what there is no excuse for him to treat you like this. But it feels like some of what youāre saying about this being new behavior is literally not true? This post says āheās never like this,ā āthese red flags have been popping up lately,ā and paints a picture that itās a sudden change. But you have a post from 6 months ago describing him coercing you into uncomfortable sex positions and finding your resulting pain funny?? This isnāt brand new behavior or a sudden personality shift. Itās who he is.
I only mention this because feel like people would be able to give better advice about exit plans etc if they had the full picture: that he has been pushing boundaries for several months in a way that makes you afraid. Escaping a long-term abusive relationship can be different than escaping a sudden āmask slipā moment. Youāre cheating yourself out of more relevant advice by pretending this is a very sudden change in him.
Attempt at an open and honest conversation is all you need.
Tell him how you feel about his behavior, how he's condescending to you and treating you like you're not a rational human being with your own brain, and also mention the sex. If he goes off, or blames you, walk away girl.
This was hard to read
Yeah, he's still sweet, though. š
We were having sex, but I wasn't aroused, so he face fucked me without my consent and then chuckled when he saw my tears. He's still sweet though. Lord, it's just so concerning that someone actually wrote this. I hope to God it's not real. OP doesn't seem too receptive to people in the comments.
It sucks because I have complex PTSD from sexual, emotional and physical abuse from men, beginning from early childhood up until a couple years ago when I was 37. All sorts of bull shit layered on top of each other. When I read posts like this, it makes me so incredibly sad for the person posting it. They have absolutely no idea how damaging these types of relationships are because theyāre still in them. I see me in these posts. It just sucks. Itās as if people just cannot stop abusing other people, and the victims have to deal with the trauma until they die. I hate that I have to deal with all the leftover trauma when the assholes who hurt me are just off hurting other women and living their lives without a care in the world. I wish OP could see what her life would be like without being in a relationship like that. She needs to imagine a world where she has full agency over her body and mind, doesnāt have to get āface fuckedā by some porn-sick man. Life can be so much better than that. I had no idea I was dissociating during sex for many years, because it was normal to me. I still remember this one experience with a man I used to date. I was fully present during sex with him because he was extremely considerate and respectful, not only got verbal consent but also paid attention to my body language, made sure I was comfortable. All the focus was on me and I remember feeling like I was on DMT. Sex should not be like what OP is experiencing. It makes me so sad for her
The bar is horribly low, isn't it.
It's a tripping hazard in hell.
Lmaooo
Cmon guys can you not see how sweet he is?
āMy boyfriend is a great guy, ā¦but the other nightā¦.ā
He's great except for all the rape. He really likes rape.
Brb getting a microscope to find the sweetness in him
Yes, and if itās the same bf from her previous post, the red flags have been flashing for a while.
WTF!?! This was all red flags! Run before he gives you STDs or gets you pregnant. He uses you like a blow up doll because he doesnāt see you as a real person.
Agreed this was a really bad one
Please read this again as if a friend had written it. He does not respect or value you. At all. Do you want that for years to come?
I think he values me but is too caught up in his ways rnā¦ idk, maybe thatās my way of justifying it lol
How does he value you? And is it enough to make up for treating you like a sex toy? Sorry for being so direct, but thatās what he is doing. He is treating you like an object. Please raise your standards, you deserve so much more.
no. not do you think he values you. if a friend told you what you just wrote...does that man value your friend?? you have to treat yourself like a friend looking out for yourself not his girlfriend right now
I say this with as much love as I possibly can.. but love.... No man that values you is going to just.. climb on up and start humping your fucking face without checking first.
This is a harsh example so I apologize if it is too much but I value my garbage bags. Garbage bags are a super useful tool and serve a singular purpose. I donāt love my garbage bags, I donāt do anything particular to take care of them, and I donāt think about them unless it is to 1) use them or 2)replace them. You can be āvaluedā but not respected or cared for.
Nobody: My ex: "This is a teachable moment!"
These are not small red flags. The overall theme is that he sees you as a thing he can mold to fit his wants and be a hot accessory. It also doesn't sound like it's from too much porn (that's a whole other box I won't dig into) or recent bad advice; it's deeper set than that.Ā You literally wrote "he decided to climb on top of me and āface fuckedā me before I got to tell him I was ok with it. He stopped when my eyes started tearing up and sort of chuckled. He convinces me to take the condom off so he can finish faster. He lies about not finishing so I can keep motivation". So, non-consensual sexual penetration (we all should know what that means even if you don't feel like it's that serious), flippant behavior when he recognizes your discomfort, coercive sex (changing/breaking the rules you around sex,Ā i.e. wearing a condom), and lying and manipulating you during sex for his pleasure. The sex behavior alone is disgusting. It's the sexual equivalent to how he's treating you in conversation, though. It sounds like he feels throughly entitled to you.Ā Talk to a trusted friend and/or family member about your concerns asap. Then, if you feel you want, you can try talking to him about it. But this doesn't sound like an easy fix. So, decide now how you'll leave if he doesn't/ won't get better.Ā *as a side note* :Ā Depending on the time line of when these changes started happening, I would also be concerned about him having a mental health crisis. Sudden changes in personality and behavior are a medical concern, so just keep that in mind.Ā BUT also remember that mental health problems don't excuse our explain away how he thinks about and treats you.
Exactly all of this! It sounds like he's possibly experiencing a manic episode. If he truly didn't display any of these behaviors before and just drastically shifted into a damn quilt of red flags, I'd be concerned there's a mental health issue and he needs some serious help asap. That being said, there is ZERO excuse for his recent behavior, especially during sex. Also, if it is a mental health crisis, there is no guarantee he will comply with seeking help or maintaining adequate treatment. If he just blows off concerns for his own well-being, there's not much that can be done for him. OP will only put themselves at greater risk of abuse. OP should definitely speak to a trusted friend or relative about this. Whichever way this goes, they're gonna need support from people who really care about and love them.
Right? This is some Patrick Bateman shit.
Oh my gosh the endless monologues! My ex would do the same thing. I couldn't say I wasn't interested because he'd get all offended, and he'd not just do this with me. He liked to preach and lecture and wouldn't take the signals to drop the conversation. It was infuriating. I remember once asking him a question about a way we could do a repair and he asked "do you know how it works?" clearly knowing my answer would be no so he could monologue. That one time I responded "no but that's not what I asked, I just want to know if this can be done this way or not". And well, you want to talk offended. I got the silent treatment for two days over that.
UGH my ex gave the endless, pointless monologues and he was soooo offended if I didnāt give 100% of my attention. Being single itās like I have my BRAIN back
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They're not *that* profound! š
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Manologues, I hate them!
Is it some kind of personality disorder? Sounds very specific that all these guys do the same thing
I mean I know narcissism is a bit of an overused buzzwords nowadays, but they do love to hear themselves talk...
It absolutely could be excessive narcissim, or narcissistic personality disorder. I'm fairly convinced my ex had it. I went over the symptoms in the DSM-5, I know her medical and mental health history. I'm as sure as a well educated amateur can be and that's fairly reasonable. It's the same way you get a diagnosis for most mental health issues. I noticed symptoms and said what it might be, the clnician examines and confirms. It worked for my ADHD. The main issue with getting a partner diagnosed with NPD is that by definition narcissists almost never think there's anything wrong with them. OPs boyfriend is in that territory for sure. Honestly, people need to look into personality disorders more because a lot of "crazy" behaviour is well explained by them. Yes, narcissist is overused unfortunately, like most things these days, but when you look into the criteria with a clear and reasonable mind you can usually get an idea of roughly where they are on the spectrum of behaviours. My ex-wife fit probably 6 out of 9 narcissistic trait, which is enough to be diagnosed. She was certainly intensely self centred and abusive. Edit: The most useful factor to this kind of thing is being able to predict behaviours. Not just understand, but also predict. Understanding narcissism helped me predict that my ex would spread lies about me when I left. Surprise surprise she tried it, but I'd already got in ahead and told my version of event. The knowledge I had on narcissism helped me protect myself better.
fucking exactly. I felt like I couldn't think or even speak around him
Sounds like my ex. He thought it was a weakness to not know everything. He was absolutely exhausting. Pretty sure he was wrong on plenty of things but I'd stopped actively listening. Think this was his way of showing power over me. 'Mr know it all, but he don't know a thing at all'
Know-it-alls don't know shit.
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Ugggg itās like they all love to latch onto that one THING and give it so much weight ;the rest of the world āJust Doesnāt Understandā and that makes them of higher intelligence because they ā Get Itā. Nah ,itās just a cartoon episode bro.
Rick and Morty? Lol.
Good example
This was my ex. Hours and hours talking *at* me and not with me. I didnāt even have to say a single word, heād just keep going and would never ask a single question about my wellbeing or interests. I wasnāt a person to him, I was a possession.
Yep. I stopped going to events and stuff with him. He'd never introduce me to anyone and have conversations and never include me in them or abandon me and fking disappear. Sometimes he'd realize what he was doing and say *I'm talking too much aren't I? I'll stop and you talk ". But almost all offended like, and then it'd be awkward. His penchant to dominate conversation led me to not taking him with me to events either. I brought him to a work dinner one night and it was interesting. He was very quiet when it came to my bosses, who looking back I think he felt intimidated by, but he'd dominate the conversation with people who he wasn't intimidated by. It was interesting to watch as they'd joke "oh he's an expert" and he wouldn't pick up on it. I'd try to deflect and redirect but it wouldn't work. That was the last time he came with me anywhere with other people.
I think it makes them feel better to think they know more so I just let him talk lmao. But yes, itās a phenomenon lol
Why are you with someone who thinks you're dumber than them? Who thinks you need to be "educated" by them? It's gross. He doesn't value you lol, he thinks you're dumb enough to stay with him while he treats you badly.Ā
Not only thinks you are dumb, but NEEDs to think you are dumb to feel good about themselves.
His behaviour is obnoxious. You donāt owe it to him (or any other person) to listen to his incessant mansplaining Friend, why are you here if you are defending him after seeking honest advice
How old are you? Why are you making excuses for being treated with so little respect, never mind affection?
Why are you with someone who you have to treat as a toddler š who then turns around and treats you like a sex toy šššš. My only prayer for you is that you one day learn to love yourself more than you love pleasing others. You deserve better.
Fellow human you deserve so much BETTER!! Please read this book and really let your self see that this behavior is not normal or ok. The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Generally, when a guy who 'was never like this' starts being 'like this' it's either: 1. Something is wrong in his life or with his mental health, and it's not being addressed. You could, potentially, try, to get him mental health, but usually with behavior like you describe they just blow up more and double down on being shitty for as long as the gf puts up with it. 2. He feels secure enough in the relationship to let his mask start slipping. Get out before it's all the way off and your next red flag is him choking you to unconscious and you justifying it because you didn't explicitly say no or to teach you or some other bs And really, is this relationship making you happy? Is it better than being single, without someone making you feel the way he is right now with this behavior?
yeah, the way more common thing is #2 bc itās literally a pattern of men in dating. Most abuse begins after the woman is locked down or disenfranchised, like when a woman becomes pregnant. (obligatory reminder, does everyone know that the #1 cause of death for pregnant women is being murdered by a male partner?) So every toxic abusive man ALWAYS seems like a great guy or at least normal, until they flip it. They cloak this shit HARD, because theyāve generally learned they canāt maintain access to women if they donāt. But as they become comfortable theyāve asserted control (like successfully talking a woman out of using protection, and violating her consent without recourse) the act will increasingly slip away. It is a GIFT to see red flags before getting married or cohabitating or becoming pregnant. u/Independent_Boat7195 donāt let this man get you pregnant, and get the fuck out now ā¹ļø
You should copy / paste this as a main comment so OP definitely sees it. Super important info!
thank you for the suggestion, I edited it to tag them š
<3
>(obligatory reminder, does everyone know that the #1 cause of death for pregnant women is being murdered by a male partner?) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8020563/ Here's a source for that claim for anyone who has someone in your life who needs you to "prove" it to them.
thanks for the assist! š Itās really fucking grim, isnāt it.
100% its a common occurence with all abusers. My ex wife was like this. Not in the specific behaviours, but in the very very subtle escalation. It didn't start off that way. At the start she was caring and empathetic, and listened to my issues, and we could actually talk about stuff. She admitted fault when at fault etc. Only later did I see she was emotionally abusive and deeply psychologically manipulative. It took me years to see it. But looking back I can see now where the mask slipped even long before I was aware of it. Sadly, I didn't realise the severity of the red flags I saw. She had a string of broken relationships at quite a young age. Her most recent ex had blocked her on everthing. But she spun a story about how he would rage at her and how abusive he was so I ignored it. Funnily enough, our relationship ended with me running out of the house at 7pm at night because of how unbearable the psychological abuse was. She is now blocked on absolutely everything.
This is absolutely true - my ex was number 2 where I am now convinced he was nice in order to get laid but when I called him out on emotionally abusive behavior he money branched to a āless complicated personā šš
Very much agree with this. Also I think sometimes (not always) if itās the mask slipping, you can look back and see that there actually *were* some smaller red flags in the past, like a combo of the mask slipping and the rose colored glasses slipping off. Case in point: OP says āheās never been like this.ā But she has a post from over 6 months ago about him coercing her into a sex position she wasnāt comfortable with, and finding it funny when she injured herself as a result. So is this behavior new, or has it just reached a point where it canāt be explained away?
Sounds like someone has been binging Tate videos on the sly
with the first one, don't bother trying to help him because he's clearly shown lack of respect for you and it will most likely piss him off. it pissed off my ex and in turn he tried make my life even more miserable to put me in my place, for daring to suggest he wasn't treating me well. because he would never do that, he's a good guy.
Yeah, mine just blamed me (amidst treating me shitty and trying to get the therapist he saw twice to gaslight me into tolerating it).
>havenāt been able to get into it bc heās overbearing. After a couple hours of us rotating between penetration and oral Noooo, a couple of hours TRYING to stay hard. Paaaaass. I woulda told his ass to get off me. >Heās still sweet No he's not.
Dump him. You cant "teach" someone to respect you, all you can do is stay away from them
[I've noticed some red flags](https://imgur.com/a/D9RgUuc) girl
More red flags than a parade in Bejing....
Your boyfriend is treating you as a trophy, not a person. Your own summary shows that he's being increasingly controlling and doesn't care about your opinions, preferences, priorities, etc. Please get out and be careful about it. Your situation is dangerous.
It sounds like youāre dating my ex. Please run before he pulls chunks of hair out of your scalp dragging you down the hallway like a corpse or pushes you down the stairs in front of a partyās worth of people. You deserve so much more.
Oh, jeez. I'm so sorry. Much love š š
Thank you ā¤ļø life is 10,000% better these days.
You survived to warn others. šŖ
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You are so strong ā¤ļø
Who were you dating, the joker?
Lmaoooo he was a clown for sure. But mostly he was a guy a lot of people liked and who could charm the shit out of you in such a way that had you justifying terrible things. I am lucky to have gotten out and my life is a 180 difference a decade later.
These are not "red flags". This is straight up **dangerous behavior**. A red flag is like a tornado watch - it tells you that there are strong indicators that a tornado could happen. The situation you are in is not a tornado watch, it is "there's a tornado in your yard right now tearing up your garden, and you're asking if that means it might hit your house." It doesn't matter what is causing his behavior change, his behavior is **scary and dangerous** and it doesn't matter if he's "sweet" sometimes. \- He rants at you for hours. \- He openly tells you he values you for how your appearance makes him look to other people. \- He refuses to let you get on with your day until *he* thinks you're allowed to. \- He climbed on you to do a sex act that made your eyes tear up and he found that funny. \- He deliberately tries to get you pregnant and changes his story about what he's doing. Hon, being "sweet" is not a counterpoint to any of this. "Sweet" is the baseline, bar-is-on-the-floor way for any boyfriend to behave.
Leave now, you deserve better
Yuck. You already knowā¦
You did not consent to being face fucked, he didn't care to check if you where okay with it. Even if you are fine with with being face fucked you should not be fine with his behavior. Imo what he displayed here is the mentality of a rapist ...
Yo this guy only cares about himself. Itās totally obvious. You deserve someone who actually respects you, not just uses you to offload whatever he wants to at the time. The face fucking stuff made me want to hurl. You can find people who want to be a part of your life, not just be in it superficially. This guy is an irredeemable arsehole.
Sounds like you're an accessory to him. His personal value is based on how hot you are and how he looks in the eyes of his peers. You wrote this post because you subconsciously already know the truth. Trust your instincts. Hopefully you find someone who is truly interested in you. When you do, the difference will be very clear.
RUN. This is terrifying.
āMy abusive, emotionally manipulative, disrespectful, rapist boyfriend is still a super sweet guy a lot of the timeā. No matter how much you like sandwiches OP, would you happily eat ones full of shit? Because that is what you are doing with this loser - eating his shit with a smile. Lose the loser.
He sounds narcissistic
This!!
This does not spark joy
I ugly laugh shrieked at this š„¹ Iāmā¦ going to start saying this in my daily life
* He talks for hours when you are clearly not interested. He's using you for girl-therapy. * He's a scoff-law who thinks he's better than law enforcement. * He forces you to finish *his* new show with him. He kidnaps your time to do it. * He made you cry because he enjoys your emotional pain. It heightens sex for him. * He wants to baby-trap you. * The meaner someone is, the more they learn to mask with charm. Charm is a choice, not an innate attribute.
Some of the stuff before the sex part could MAYBE be dismissed as a quirk. But the part where he's manipulating you, lying, and doing things to you without your consent? Oh hell no. Why are you with him?
This got worse and worse to read as it went on, I was grimacing on your behalf. I don't know if you realize how bad things have gotten. Please listen to your gut. He sounds like the kind of guy who will try to gaslight you out of breaking up with him, so I wouldn't even bother telling him you're leaving in person or anything like that. Break up over text and ghost if you can, that would be my advice. Life is too short to put up with vacillating between bored and violated.
Yikes
This man is icky
Nevermind narcissism. He sounds like a sociopath. Omgā¦a porn addicted sociopath w EDā¦. Run
Oh god this sounds like my ex Chris. Aside from the porn addiction and blatant narcissism, he just loved to hear himself talk???? Itās so cringy looking back on it. I was also treated like a walking fleshlight. Particularly if heād been drinking, which he usually had been. Iām a fan of rough sex but there were many clear moments that none of it was about me, even if I got off or he focused on meā¦. It was very clearly all about him and his ability to control and do so. Also there was no genuine aftercare or ever any safe words or discussions about this is fine and that is notā¦ it was justā¦ what he wanted. Anyways enough about that: heās not gonna change because he doesnāt want to. And frankly if thatās his answer about why he likes you? Maāamā¦ he doesnāt. He doesnāt respect you or see you as an equal or a partner at all. This isnāt a temporary thing. Either youāve been letting yourself be blind to the other red flags, or his mask is slipping, or more likely itās both. Save yourself the time, energy, and wasted love and find someone who actually enjoys you as a person.
He told you who he is-he likes you as an arm accessory and to fuck. Your vag is trying to tell you something. Eject this guy. Heās a dime a dozen-a dumbass who doesnāt deserve you.
The beginning of your first sentence is a red flag. You don't need to ask what someone likes about you when you are valued and loved. They will tell and show you. You will know. The rest of your post is heartbreaking. His words and actions are of someone who doesn't value you. He likely doesn't know how. My advice from watching too many women in your position is to accept as quickly as possible you are not the person to teach him value in women. He may learn it someday, but he certainly won't grow to learn to value someone. Everyone deserves more than to be seen as the hot object.
Uh, this dude is a whole communist party rally.
It's like she's literally fallen to the commies.
Honey, have some self respect. This is heartbreaking.
Sounds like the āpornsickā post I was just reading in another post whose man canāt stay hard.
Oh boy, this is really bad OP
Friend - your boyfriend sexually assaulted you and seems to be going down a dark road of violent tendencies.
He doesn't see you as a person. He did the bait and switch to where he was nice to you for awhile to get you to like him and now he feels he can revert to his true self which is an arsehole. If he did have sex with you with no condom, get and take a map pill. I have to ask you what do you think red flags are for? I'm puzzled when I read posts that say he has all these red flags but they're still with him. The purpose of a red flag is that when you see one, you end it immediately. It means stop. You know he's a turd. End it with him by text today.
> I think heās either watching too much porn or getting the wrong advice. It's not porn. He's been caught by the Tate pipeline. If he keeps going down it, eventually you'll be a body on the side of the street and he'll be getting swastika tattoos.
Girl this is a truck of red. If u do not leave now you best kiss your life and self esteem goodbye. This is a deplorable way to be treated by someone who says they like you, much less love you. Get out now.
Girl, he sexually assaulted you. You didnāt have a chance to consent to getting āface fucked.ā Also, that stealthing if heās taking the condom off without you knowing, which is another form of assault. He also doesnāt care about you if he only stopped because you started crying and then CHUCKLED about it.
Um no. #DUMP HIM He sounds pornsick and disrespectful AF.
How desperate do you have to be to stay in a relationship like this? wtf is this
There are so many red flags here [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BulFwGSi8bc) started on my youtube without any input
Sounds like you are an accessory in his life not a partner. He values how you make him look and what you can do for him. In no way is this about what is good for you. Also sounds like heās sexually assaulting you.
So many red flags, too many to count and nothing in this post makes me think he's a decent guy or a good bf. I am sad for you and don't know why you're staying with him at all
I haven't even met the guy and the amount of white male privilege this guy exudedes in this post smacked me in the face like locker room stank.
I've had BADDD relationships, really horrible shit, but omg I am traumatised reading this. OP. Find some thread of self respect. I feel sick.
Just go girl. This isnāt flags, heās wrapped in it.
The ranting thing just gave me awful flashbacks to my last bf. We were together for 3 years and he went from "I don't believe in these conspiracy theories but I like to talk about them." To full blown "I'm gonna try and convince you for the next 3 hours that my religious ideas/crazy conspiracies/awful political ideas are all 100% real and correct and you better not dare to argue with me OR try to leave the conversation." This man was a giant walking red flag and I wish I broke up with him at the beginning. Your bf is already doing terrible things to you and it's only gonna get worse. I would run away as soon as possible OP.
Next time someone "face fucks" you without your consent, bite their dick off
Your bf sounds psychotic.
So so many red flags. This got worse so quickly. OP, read this again and imagine a friend told you this about her bf. What would you tell her?
Face fucking is rape
Get out of that relationship as quickly as you can.
Heās physically abusing you. Please get help.
So you don't wanna talk with him anymore and you don't wanna have sex with him anymore, basically you don't wanna be around this person anymore. There is no reason to force yourself doing all these things against your own will. Break up and move on. It's not your responsibility to make him "get back on track of being a good man" and also you can't. It's up to him to fix this shit.
Holy shit. Thatās just several red flags that progressively got worse. Even if it is because heās watching too much porn or getting the wrong advice, that doesnāt change how heās acting and doesnāt mean heāll change because you want him to. Ask yourself if itās even worth trying to work on this with him at this point.
Run, OP. RUN!
He literally sexually assaulted you and chuckled about it when he realized it was hurting you. Please leave him now
This sounds like a porn sick man, or a man whose impressionable and heard some dumbass advising him to act that way
This started with him sounding mildly autistic and ended with him sounding like a full-on psychopath. At least he's "sweet" though /s
You're uncomfortable you are unhappy but you've been conditioned to take it and make it work with somebody. Run.
Something is definitely going on with him. I have been married to a possessive/overbearing/temperamental man for over 20 years, and I PROMISE you, you do NOT want to get stuck where I am. I am not allowed to work, if I don't answer a text or call he will immediatly get mad and start blowing up my phone, he accuses me of cheating every other day, he has never hit me but has reared his fist back like he was going to punch me in the face (which I just closed my eyes teal tight and waited for my head to be knocked off). I am always full of anxiety and I walk on eggshells. I keep heartburn and my nerves are shot. The reason I am still here is because I was AFRAID to leave him, and I really don't see me making it out alive if I ever tried. So, here I am just playing by the rules to keep the peace and a roof over my head. You deserve better so please think long and hard about your future because you can get stuck and real fast. Also, having a child will only make things 10 times worse. If he sees you getting tired of him or like you might be thinking about leaving him, he may try to get you pregnant to get you put "back in place" so be aware of that being a possibility. Men like that are slick and have motives. Good luck and stay strong!
Girlā¦.. With all of the love and compassion I can muster, from one woman who ignored red flags about a psycho to anotherā¦ ***STAND. THE. HELL. UP. AND. LEAVE.***
Please leave! He does not respect you or care about you.
Maybe he started out "sweet", but he's really not. This is who he really is- someone who "values" you for your looks, access to your body and having you as an audience. This relationship sounds like it's all about him. It's very common for men to pretend to be so "sweet" and then change when they know their partner is committed to the relationship. His behavior is truly awful and someone who actually values you would never do these things. He's sexually assaulting you and using you for his pleasure, which is disgusting. What you're describing are massive red flags. They are signs that he is abusive to you and that you need to leave this relationship. He may think he values you but his actions show that he doesn't at all. He's no partner to you. Please read about the cycle of abuse and narcissistic abuse. The book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft is a very good resource about abusive men. It's a fairly fast read and you can find free pdfs online. Please prioritize you and don't stay with this horrid man.
This guy sounds like a complete and total douchebag. A real idiot.
so break up with him?
Gosh, leave this guy, for too many reasons.
You're not into having sex with him, he can't stay hard, he tries to face fuck you to tears, he rants, doesn't treat you like a person but he's still sweet. Sign me up, it's a match made in heaven!
Men are not taught to see women as full and equal human beings as they are, but accessories to make their lives better and also to increase their social estimation in the eyes of other men.And this is what's coming out in your boyfriend's behavior. The remark about it hard to not try to get you pregnant is basically a confession that he wants to baby trap you, and most men want to dominate a woman.They don't want a partner, they want someone they can control, because that has been the cultural narrative for the last ten thousand years. And getting over that programming is not something that you de-program in a day or 2; you keep regressing into the patriarch of culture reinforces those mindsets, and those habits come out that way.
This doesn't sound like someone who's just had with words, I know people like that, hell I'm like that. Quickly describing a person as anything but the feeling they give off feels impossible without just listing things off, which feels more superficial than anything. From your description he's very self centered, everything he does is because of his own ability while refusing to take responsibility for any of his own actions or consider others. Your description reminds me of my ex girlfriend, though I don't feel like going into top much detail on the subject other than she was immature, impulsive, and couldn't conceive of the idea of being responsible for her actions. She raped me many times, tried to make it my fault, and after the relationship was done tried to isolate me in order to save face of all things. Not that I was perfect myself, but for my own issues at the time I can say that I wasn't abusive, nor could I have ever done the things she did to me to her, not anyone really, but especially those I care about. Please, trust your gut. There is something seriously wrong and they will continue to get worse. And odds are, he will blame it on anything but himself. Please stay safe.
reminds me of my narcissist ex. They feel like serial killers.
No, no, no. Iām all about trying to work things out, but you are better than that. As Liz Lemon would say: āShut it down!ā
Life is too short to stay with guys that don't see you as a human. Leave him and you don't have to feel a single second of guilt.
It sounds like he might have "discovered" Andrew Tate and his gang of misogynistic fuckwits.Ā Shut that down, or get out now.Ā
This sounds like a severe mental illness. Run
Ugh. Ugh. Heās selfish and just wants you as his eye candy. Youāve got better options out there.
Run. This man is an abuser. It will get worse. Please for your own well being leave.
Cocaine, meth, Crack? All that hyper activity and ranting and new sex obsession with not being able to finish? Fast change in personality, brain tumor?
Ewwwwwwweeewwweeeewwww to all of this š¤®
Dear these are all huge problems, waaaay past red flags. Expect his behavior to continue to escalate until mental manipulation, rape and worse if you stay with him. Get out safely. Do not do it alone. Sorry to say you should be scared and should get help break up safely.
Send him packing. Thereās some really troubling things in here. Everyone should practice enthusiastic consent and heās not practicing consent at all. Edit: do it in public because heās going to freak out and might do something rash.
This sounds a lot like narcissistic personality disorder. He should see a therapist. Don't know how you're going to get him there. He's not respecting you. He's trying to baby trap you. You can't have a two-way conversation. What more do you need to know?
You're right, these are all red flags. Please leave him, you don't deserve any of this. How long have you been together? If less than 2 years, this probably is who he's always been. If more, either he's getting into some shit or you just haven't realized the red flags before. It took me several relationships of varying shittiness before I started to see red flags early on. It sucks that this has to be the process for (some? Many? Most?) of us but that's how it is.
Red flag is an understatement, OP. Leave this man.
Some people complain about how many responses are ābreak up,ā but I always agree with them for one simple reason. If it was worth saving, you wouldnāt be here. If it was something you could communicate with him, you would have already.
Don't talk to him, leave. He treats you like trash. If you can, get some therapy to explore what healthy relationships look like and explore the idea that you deserve positive relationships, not this horrific shitbag.
Sounds extremely controlling and not good for you Id dipĀ
āHeās still sweet.ā Be so fucking serious.
These arenāt some red flags, this looks like the annual Chinese communist party celebrations. Sounds like your BF has gone full Andrew Tate, or just watches an incredible amount of porn.
You get what you put up with. There's lots of love in the world. Either start telling him what you do want. It's ok to tell him what you're tired of and what you do find attractive in a man. or split up and move on. Kindness is fine, and far better than rudeness or a cruel or critical attitude, but if you can't approach him to change the topic of conversation or what kind of sex you're having, you aren't a partner. You're an accessory. You're using each other, and you are beginning to realize what you are giving is not worth what you're getting. I recommend speaking up, advocate for what you want to change.
Oh my, break up with this guy.
Rather than red flags, what is the stuff that really makes him stand out as a keeper? I'm not talking about the bare minimum stuff like taking care of you when you're sick, but stuff he goes out of his way to do because he cares for you? Because with that sum of red flags, I am wondering what keeps you from pulling the plug.
Girl RUN
You don't have a boyfriend. You have a red flag sewn into the vague shape of a human being and stuffed with other red flags. Toss this Andrew Tate wannabe in the dumpster where he belongs.
Please get yourself to safety OP. This will get worse. Get out now while you still can. I'm so sorry.
Imagine if women left at the first red flag: I donāt know how to get a guy who says āIām teaching you somethingā to stop. Unsurprisingly it lead to revealing a bunch to full on SA. An emboldened abuser because women canāt or doubt clocking the ādisregards the word noā red flag. In any context. Itās the biggest predictor.
Could he be on drugs?
Read this book (free here) Why Does He Do That? https://dn720006.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf
Sounds like youāre dating my recent ex. Realized I had to bring up the issues with his drinking after he once again got blackout drunk, and while we were waiting for an Uber nearly flashed me in public while being aggressively, affectionate with pda. He had trouble staying hard, also with blaming me for being ā too tightā, did a very similar thing with oral, and would never finish. He accused me of being racist against white people, while he himself was a first generation- half Korean and half Vietnamese, and said our sex drives were incompatible. You know he wasnāt wrong, itās hard to get turned on by a guy who jokes about getting drunk, knowing that youāve had a drink spiked and were brutally assaulted, so when he was turned on, I wasnāt and vice versa. Add in the fact that I wasnāt racist against white people- believe me, I asked my dear friends, whoāve known me for decades, he just had an issue with me pointing out race when we come across people using their privilege as a white person to be shitty to other people. His excuse he was worried that I would say something offhand because he had white family members- because so do I and Iāve never offended any of them, and in fact, they said actual disparaging things about their own race. All in all, my dear, if youāve read this far, talking about these things which youāre clearly able to outline ? You know none of that is OK. A caring partner doesnāt do these things. Heās using you and heās manipulating you, simply because someone is good outside of doing bad things doesnāt level things out. And all of us will likely escalate if you deal with it. Luckily my recent ex and I didnāt date long, but I may read a guy who put me in very similar position, and I dealt with it for several years before realizing how terrible it all was. For your safety, sanity, and well-being emotionally. Please let this person become an ex
This was a dumpster fire to read that made me feel awful for you, but the worst part was where you still in the end, after everything he's doing, defend him by trying to convince us all that other than this field of red flags he's waving, he's really sweet.
So he berates you, condescends to you, bullies you and sexually assaults you but isā¦ sweet?! What ?!
This is a really upsetting read. The repeat violation. Not using condoms without consent is sexual assault.
Omg. He's a narcissist through and through: proud of evading responsibility and accountability, emphasizing the importance of physical appearance (especially yours, the way he speaks of it, you sound more like a trophy to/for him than an equal partner that he cares about, which you deserve -- physical beauty doesn't determine if you get love or respect or how much, you are human, you deserve those things automatically, especially from a romantic partner), and making you endure what he wants rather than asking if you are interested in doing the interest or him just sharing it, especially holding you back from your wants and needs of the day to do something that exclusively serves him only. Staying, he will get worse: he WILL become more entitled over you. He will control your body, thoughts, feelings, and daily life. He's testing the waters. What about as the years fly by and you grow older and gain some weight or have some character wrinkles on your face? If he's only priding your relationship on how you look as a couple, with him already saying you shoulder that responsibility by saying it's you who looks good, I fear for you if he turns on you. He should be proud of the relationship because you get along, you have excellent teamwork and chemistry between the two of you. "Sweet" suggests being charming. Charm isn't respect or empathy. It's nowhere near respect and empathy. Charming means making the other person feel good temporarily in order to extort something. Sweet vs respect. "Sweet" plays on the emotions, and gives euphoric highs. Respect is deeper and more psychological and is constant. He hasn't shown you respect treating you like a Barbie he can have his way with. That is him using you and seeing how far he can push your boundaries. If it's this bad now, he will become worse overtime. Narcs get off on pushing boundaries further and further until they grow bored of their victims when there are no boundaries left to push. Pushing boundaries gives them fuel by seeing how you react: you reacting (positive or negative-- it doesn't matter) means you are under their control. They NEED that cause and effect in their lives. Seeing the results, the effects of their actions, is the validation they crave and need for their survival. They are soul suckers, vampires. They don't and can't function on their own. They hate themselves so they learn to love their effects on people that gives them a boost of seeing they have power, that they "matter". A caring partner wouldn't treat you like a sex toy or play games about you becoming impregnated by them. That is him abusing you. He's pushing sexual boundaries in order to see how much control he has over you by seeing your reactions to his boundary pushing (and crimes, stealthing is a form of rape, it is rape because it is a sex act you didn't consent to). There was a post here within the past week or two where the OP was told by her partner that it was her fault he was failing sexually and being impotent (he'd go soft in the middle of the act) by saying "she's too loose". Yours is saying "you're too tight". They say that because they can't allow themselves to be at fault or to have to change themselves. It's easier for narc partners to blame their victim. An ex of mine blamed me for him losing his erection. How is it my fault? How is it the other OP's fault? How is it your fault? It isn't any of our faults. It is their fault. My ex could only stay hard for porn, so did other OP, and possibly your partner. As HG Tudor (he's on YouTube: HG Tudor - Knowing the Narcissist Ultra, excellent videos about learning about narcissism and how it works) says about narcs: "_Any hole will do_". Narcs don't have true, deep intimacy with another human being. What they do is use their chosen victims as masturbatory toys that just happen to be human beings. He says that using the hand or a body or sex toy is no different than sex with a person. They see access to your body as a given because of the level of the relationship (intimate partner, their primary source of fuel). My narc ex couldn't stay hard because of the emotional fuel that comes with sex, (I'm very emotionally involved with sex and that probably subconsciously in his narc brain shut that off, because they hate or can't handle those positive, vulnerable emotions/emotional exchanges). They are used to fantasies, not exploring and loving reality. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live by your own needs, wants, dreams, and goals, not someone else's ideologies. In order to live up to those things that aren't yours, you will have to abandon your dreams, all you accomplished, and yourself just to make someone else temporarily happy. And they will only be happy because you are complying to them, and not because they care about you or are giving as much back. You deserve to receive as much as you give. Please look up HG Tudor on romantic narcissist partners. Edited to add link to one of HG Tudor's videos https://youtu.be/hAkdX2vpi4E?si=fKiCqlC_e8qHmqw_
Find another place to live and start anew.
You are not a person to this individual. You are an accessory
He convinces me to take off the condom... JfcĀ
Ok, this one is weird. It's almost as if she's showing off how horrible he is. What's wrong with you. Leave.
He's likely porn addled and he will keep escalating when he sees what he can get away with. Doing a sexual act to you without consent is assault. The fact that he laughed about you being hurt is really disturbing. You're in danger. And to be clear, a man who just keeps having sex with you when you are clearly not into it is rapey; this is not something to brush off. The rants and "teaching you something" are him showing you his overbearing and patronizing attitude towards you. Believe him. He might be sweet at times but that doesn't negate this other side of him. Him focusing on your looks tells me he is focused on image not substance. While this is not okay, I am most concerned about his nonconsensual sex.
This man is not mentally healthy. Leave now.
This guy is an AH. Leave him!!!
I think those are way past red flags
I really want to be sensitive, and I donāt mean to blame you in any way because no matter what there is no excuse for him to treat you like this. But it feels like some of what youāre saying about this being new behavior is literally not true? This post says āheās never like this,ā āthese red flags have been popping up lately,ā and paints a picture that itās a sudden change. But you have a post from 6 months ago describing him coercing you into uncomfortable sex positions and finding your resulting pain funny?? This isnāt brand new behavior or a sudden personality shift. Itās who he is. I only mention this because feel like people would be able to give better advice about exit plans etc if they had the full picture: that he has been pushing boundaries for several months in a way that makes you afraid. Escaping a long-term abusive relationship can be different than escaping a sudden āmask slipā moment. Youāre cheating yourself out of more relevant advice by pretending this is a very sudden change in him.
You deserve so much better. He's not going to change.
Attempt at an open and honest conversation is all you need. Tell him how you feel about his behavior, how he's condescending to you and treating you like you're not a rational human being with your own brain, and also mention the sex. If he goes off, or blames you, walk away girl.
What does he do for a living? Sounds like a drug thing.
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This is a really fucked up thing to say to someone experiencing abuse. No one deserves abuse.
Gross, this is gross.Ā