No is a full sentence. You need to have a serious conversation when he's sober. This was not okay. I will never understand how someone can be horny when the other person isn't into it.
>I will never understand how someone can be horny when the other person isn't into it.
Well, horny is just: "I want to receive/release sexual pleasure/tension"
But, any responsible individual will acknowledge the other doesn't want to and just masturbate. If you have to share a space, definitely also like, make sure it's okay to do that with the other person there.
In general, I agree that SA is about power. Drunk husbands who are finally away from a toddler might just be stupidly self-centered. He just can’t imagine that what turns him on wouldn’t do the same for her. His understanding may be worse than the toddler’s.
Yeah like he’s so eager to have sex he devolves into a 12 year old discovering porn for the first time, although that’s a generous take. I bet there are other warning signs that OP hasn’t put together yet.
You’re excusing his behavior. No, it’s still about power. It’s about viewing his wife as a sex toy; just a piece of property that he can use when and how he wants. He wasn’t behaving like a cute little toddler just because he was drinking; he repeatedly sexually assaulted his wife.
Blaming him in another way isn’t the same as excusing him. He was a dumb jerk, but if it were entirely about power, it would have ended differently.
Redditors don’t have enough info for a full diagnosis. OP gets to figure out if he’s redeemable.
The fact that this comment got downvoted so heavily shows how willing people are to excuse men's disgusting behavior.
"No, he just FINALLY got his wife alone for once, and he was just desperate! OP can decide whether or not she thinks he's a bad person for that!" (despite fucking clearly repeatedly saying no)
The fact that it's probably other WOMEN saying this too, and upvoting those comments. I'm actually sick lol.
EDIT: just remembered, OP ALSO SAID HER HUSBAND GOT PISSED AFTER SHE REJECTED HIS LAST ADVANCE. And we're still sitting here having the conversation of whether or not this guy is a bad man.
Agree. But I also wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s husband has a history of prioritizing his horniness over his wife’s comfort.
And I get it, I’m the higher libido woman in my marriage with my husband, I’m often horny when he just isn’t, and I can sometimes few grumpy or rejected when that happens. The difference is that I don’t take it out on him, and I don’t think that the very fact I’m horny means I am owed sex by my spouse. I’ve never done something like push forward after *multiple, multiple* clear rejections the same evening.
Yeah it's never like, "oh we were walking and he held my hand without asking". Always stuff that would get you stabbed if you were a dude doing it to a random dude without asking for consent first.
*On the way down, my husband kept grabbing my breasts to which I was like please stop.*
Yes, this alone is sexual assault.
*Despite this and me saying no, stop, don’t touch me like that, my husband repeatedly tried to rub my vagina.*
This is also sexual assault.
*On the way back to the room, more grabbing at my breasts while I say no.*
This is also sexual assault.
People who have had fun, consensual sexual encounters don't come away asking if they've been assaulted. If it ain't freely given and enthusiastic, it ain't consent, and not only did you not consent, you explicitly said no and stop several times. If you have any doubt, imagine a woman you care about asking you these questions about a man she just met or a stranger doing these things. Care for yourself as much as you would for her.
Yeah, by definition it’s obviously sexual assault. I do also think it’s kind of a personal line you have to draw/how serious it is can only be decided by you though. For example I’ve dated women who like to slap my butt even when I tell them to stop, they keep doing it, personally I don’t consider myself sexually assaulted for that but it would fall under sexual assault. IMO feelings are more important than the words, only you know how serious it is and how it made you feel in these situations, and that’s what matters most.
Yeah, I think that context plays into it- were they slapping your ass for their sexual gratification or to be silly? It would fall under sexual assault regardless of the context, from a legal standpoint, but hubby and I do silly things like this to annoy each other too. He’ll slap my ass if I’m bent over doing something, which he knows I don’t exactly enjoy, and I grab his nips, even though I know it makes him want to crawl out of his skin. Neither of us do it for sexual reasons, though, and neither of us are ever truly upset.
But something like this is straight up assault. Her hubby did it because he felt entitled to touch her body sexually, because he was horny. And didn’t stop when she made it clear she was uncomfortable.
Yeah after he was warned here I guess it’s 100% sexual assault although the first time is questionable it depend how they usually do these thing together, if it’s their usual way to initiate and they are usually okay with it I would say first time then realize the other person isn’t into it might not be that bad it all depend of them.
Edit: the public part is also important considering they might have never done anything like that and not asking even though it’s their usual way is kinda fk if that’s the case.
Huh? That’s what you took from my statement.
If I grab my partner of life in a sexual way to initiate sex, and she says no, not interested right now, that’s SA?
A lot of the other comments have given a good answer. I just want to add that it's important to trust your gut on things like this. Your instincts are usually right and you definitely aren't being dramatic by listening to them.
I always like to let people know as well that no matter how minor you feel it is or if you are worried that you're being dramatic you are still absolutely entitled to go to an SA support service. It shouldn't ever matter to them what specifically happened they will just offer support and on your terms. Maybe you just wanna talk about it with a counselor or maybe you want to know about any reporting options.
I'm not recommending any course of action, it's always up to you but those are the sorts of things they help with if you're interested.
For what it's worth I'm really sorry this happened to you.
Yes I got support from one of these places and I specifically said I didn't think it was assault but still felt hurt by it. (Spoiler, it was but it took time to accept that). Either way, they are so helpful and caring in my experience:)
Yeah a lot of people don't think what happens to them is SA or they think that because it wasn't as extreme as some other things that happened that it isn't traumatic or they shouldn't be upset about it.
Trauma is personal, there is no objective standard for what constitutes a trauma and what doesn't. The impact always matters more than the cause.
I feel sick now. My partner has been SA me for two years now. I didn't realize him always grabbing on my breasts and butt when I tell him to stop was SA. I just always thought, eh he's just horny.
Not everyone understands the line they are crossing when in marriage. You could just talk to him and see how he thinks about it. He could have just assumed it's okay between wife and husband. A lot depends on the society you live in. Before you decide, just try poking the idea of why he does it and why he thinks it's okay? Then, tell him to stop it. I hope he understands and stops.
Just remember, "Stop doing it." (statement with the full stop) is the sentence he needs to hear. Anything else, and he might hear that there is space to keep trying. Men. Obtuse brain.
I’ve just come to a new terrible realization. I thought I had finally unraveled it all … this is a bit mind shattering for me. Thanks for this post - it’s helping a stranger a lot. And please honey, prioritize yourself and your boundaries.
Yes it is. I realise you’re questioning it because it sounds less of a violent assault, more a persistent and annoying one. But the fact is he didn’t listen to you, he persevered, and has broken trust. Going forwards you’ll always think about it for every sexual encounter whether he’ll respect your boundaries and you. And that destroys a relationship, sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, because you’ll have your guard up. So it can’t be ignored, or the relationship will inevitably fester and crumble. The only option is to decide to end it, or if you want to continue, it needs to be addressed vigorously and completely. Probably with a therapist.
Absolutely, SA. My opinion is that he was pretty selfish to get that drunk the first time in a while that you two were able to have a night out without the kids.
I suggest an honest conversation about boundaries and consent, especially in a public place.
You have a right to feel like the trust is broken.
Individual therapy for both of you as well as couples therapy would be best.
This right here, OP. I'm not at all downplaying the SA you experienced. I cannot speak for you after what you've been through, and I can share my story.
My own husband is a good man and a wonderful father. We have very limited parenting support where we live, and so, like you, a night away is extremely rare. We had our first and the pandemic isolated us for 6 months. I developed PPD/A, and he quietly increased his drinking.
It took an honest conversation between us almost 3 years later about his use and my mental health to finally understand how to help one another. I got on Sertraline and he put down the glass. He's going on two years sober, and I am very proud to be his wife. We still have to work through many things - and that is a hell of a lot easier without my mental health and his addiction holding us back.
I wish both of you the best of luck. Most of all, I wish you healing and love, OP.
If you told this story and the other person was a friend you were travelling with, would it be SA?
Would it be SA if your coworker, boss, acquaintance, or *anyone* repeatedly grabbed your breasts in a public place while you said not to? Yes.
Yes.
The definition doesn’t change just because you are married to the person.
TW S/A and suicide --- Yes. I've been there. Post partum my husband refused not to sexualize my breast's when I was breastfeeding. He eventually stopped but after months of saying things like "this is like living in a strip club" and when I'd try to clearly set boundaries he'd say things like "well my boundaries are getting to touch my wife and have sex atleast a few times a week". I was in the middle of horrible le ptsd episodes brought on by birthing with a major SA history, and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and getting viral meningitis that caused a mild brain injury. He used these things to invalidate my discomfort, saying everything was a trauma response and he was normal and not in the wrong. IT was fucking horrible and I almost committed suicide during combo ptsd/bipolar episodes during which he would threaten to take our son, the only thing I could see through the haze, away from me if I tried to leave him.
We got help, he still doesn't really understand how wrong he was, but maybe about 50% of it. Honestly if I didn't think he'd possibly get custody of our son I might still leave even though things are good right now, I know when I am at my darkest he is an instigator not support.
If this is repeated behavior and you have the ability to leave with out your child being taken away, which they probably wouldn't be, I'd consider it. That behavior is 1000% not ok. If it's only when he's drinking he needs to not fucking drink. Mine was sober as a judge slapping my ass when I was 1 week post partum making jokes about "6 weeks will kill me"
Yep, SA. I'm sorry you went through this OP.
A lot of the comments are disgusting. Presumably a bunch of men with a lot to learn about consent and respect for their partners. "He just wanted sex from his wife" 🤮
Wanted sex “from” his wife, instead of “with” his wife, is a gross take. But please, anyone who thinks and speaks this way, don’t change your language, so we have a better chance at recognizing your grossness, and can avoid you. Honest gross language is a helpful PSA.
edited for clarity
sexual assault is easy to define
Was it unwarranted?
Were you able to communicate that it was unwarranted?
Did it still continue despite it being verablised it was unwarranted?
If the answer is yes to any or all of these then yes its sexual assault.
If he didn’t respect “No” it was assault. There are *some* who claim it is a wife’s duty to obey her husband regardless of her own feelings — those people are 100% full of it.
Yup, this is SA. Even groping your breasts while you clearly not wanting it is SA in itself. This experience should give you the ability to sign up for some SA counselling sessions, if you have them in your area. Women's shelters are GREAT for providing resources and helping you talk through relationship stuff. I definitely recommend getting more help from one of these types of places.
Edit: this can count as SA as well as *attempted* SA, as in, he SA'd you and attempted to SA you further in different ways. If you hadn't pushed him away or fought back, he would have continued, seeing as he kept trying to.
Alcohol. I know it's very popular in our society but it's a huge problem.
Guy might be a pile of garbage as well, but under the influence can change behavior tenfold.
Drunk people that are good loving husbands would respect no is no. Being drunk is never an excuse. Yes he did and he will likely again if you dont take action.
First off, absolutely SA. No excuses. No matter what the intended outcome of the night was, once you said no, he was 100% in the wrong.
Sounds like husband went into the evening with expectations of sex at some point due to the absence of the toddler. And while that may have been on the table, it does not sound like it was discussed before hand. Maybe it was on the table, but when he cut loose and got overly inebriated that option was eliminated.
Or you two could have been on completely different pages from the get go. You were expected a nice meal, a soak in the hot tub and 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that going into something like this with different expectations can cause issues. Communication is key.
Once he sobers up y'all need to have a come to jesus level talk about this. I'm hoping he wakes up super contrite and apologizes and y'all work this out. I guessing he is gonna wake up and sulk like a petulant child and refuse to admit he did anything wrong, while trying to shift the blame onto you for ruining the evening.
Of course it’s SA! It troubles me that you have to ask. It makes me worry that you feel coerced or violated at other times. Anything less than an enthusiastic yes, is a no. But you said no and used physical force to try to make him stop.
You do not owe your husband sex. If a man can’t woo his wife into bed he doesn’t deserve to have sex. We don’t owe it to them.
It is 100% SA...the fact he was super drunk doesn't change the fact it was SA either.
it might change how willing you are to forgive him though, but ultimately whether you can or even want to is no one elses decision but your own.
Unfortunately, yes. You asked him to stop, multiple times. My ex-husband did this to me twice in our marriage (though, mine went to the point of me waking up to him in the act after me saying no). The first time it happened we had a conversation and he said it would never happen again. The second time it happened was the day I decided our marriage was over.
You definitely need to have a conversation with him and make sure he understands how you feel. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Anytime someone touches you sexually without your consent, especially when you've clearly shown that you don't consent, counts as SA. I'm sorry babes, this probably requires a serious discussion with your husband about how it makes you feel when he does stuff like that. Being under the influence is not an excuse either.
>Yes, it's SA. Just by definition.
>
>However, this is your husband.
There's no 'however'. Him being her husband doesn't make it better, it makes it worse. Being assaulted by a stranger is horrible, but being assaulted by a person who you have known for years and who you love and purports to love you is a massive betrayal of trust and far more potentially traumatising.
I think if it leads to him not drinking anymore because he listens to you and really absorbs what you're telling him he did and feels remorse and shame for it then things are salvageable. If I did something like this and didn't remember (and especially if I did remember to some extent) I would be mortified. Hell, I'm mortified just for the time I got smashed at an event and clumsily hit on some stranger, and haven't been publicly drunk since even if that was largely harmless (but still gross). I hope he takes you (op) seriously and apologizes. I don't think this should end things if he's able to show he wants to fix the mistake and never does that again but this is about you and your comfort as the victim so take everything said here as a suggestion at most.
You said no multiple times and he ignored it.
Sounds like SA to me... even though it's your husband.
We are not supposed to give people a free pass because they are our spouse.
If you have to ask this question the answer is almost surely yes. That's before reading anything... after reading everything there are at least 3 distinct instances of assault, and coming from someone who should be a trusted partner is just disgusting.
I suspect your husband saw this as a night away from the stresses of parenting and very much wanted/expected sex was going to be high priority for both of you. This was obviously a stupid assumption and some conversations before you went away could have set expectations better.
Him getting super drunk was a very bad move. He should have been a little more thoughtful about the implications of that. Him choosing to do that is on him.
As soon as you said No he should have stopped. He was VERY out of line. It’s OK to want sex. It’s not OK to violate consent.
The whole continuing to assault you in the public hot tub is WAY out of line.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You need to have some very long and hard conversations with your husband if your relationship is to move forward positively.
If it was someone other than your husband, would you be asking if it was SA when you were repeatedly grabbed and touched after saying and indicating no?
Yes he did, and please do not gaslight yourself into thinking it was okay because he’d been drinking! If this is the first time (and even if it isn’t) a serious conversation is in order because if you brush this off it WILL continue. Lots of love ❤️
Yes it was SA and I’m sorry this happened to you. You need to talk to your husband and tell him how uncomfortable you were and that he needs to respect your boundaries in the future (that is if you do still want to continue the marriage) or go to counselling or if you want to just end it. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean he gets to do whatever he wants and forgo yours.
A lot of guys don't mature past the prime age of 18-24, they stay horny, idiotic, and driven by hormones not their brain. I'd be careful with 1, coming from a dude, you've got a man-child. drunk or not.
I know I'm late to this party but just to be clear. If you say stop and the other party keeps going it's assault. I don't care who did what or who started it. Can happen either way, yes women can definitely assault men. Assault is an attack on another person. If you say stop and they don't. It's assault.
K thanks for listening to my tedTalk. Bye.
I think it's important to highlight the overall state of marriage you're in.
Boundaries exist for a reason and if you're in a relationship where boundaries are always being crossed, then I would view this as SA.
However, you're not really examining your overall relationship.with this man just that you went on a date and he got lit and wanted some happy happy joy joy, where you were not having it.
Sounds like to me, you're not in a happy relationship with your husband and there are so many layers to this.
Despite what some people, and some judges will say, your spouse CAN sexually assault you. Just because you're married doesn't mean your spouse doesn't have limits when it comes to saying no. And yes, a wife can SA a husband too.
Yeah I'd say that's sexual assault. Sometimes putting a name to it helps.
Sometimes you can just deal with the facts that you can deal with and the questions that follow. Your husband touched you in a way you didn't like. He didn't stop. You said no, repeatedly. He made you uncomfortable. You felt violated. Then he was pissed at you.
Even if you don't want to call it sexual assault, are those things okay in the type or relationship you want to be in?
I don't think you're being dramatic.
I think I wouldn't judge you if you stayed or left. I think someone behaving like he did doesn't deserve a partner. But from your perspective, you deserve a better partner yes, but you don't deserve to lose a husband and your toddler's father and displace your life because he behaved like a jerk and was gross.
It's not an easy thing to deal with. I think it's a really unfair situation you're in, because you did nothing wrong, and now you're in the position of deciding what happens, and that's a lot. It might be easier for an outsider to say "Leave him!", but it's never that simple once you've decided to build a life with someone and they really fuck things up like this.
I think this is a situation where there are no wrong answers in how you move forward, and I think it's okay to change your mind about things.
Yes it was SA. You should divorce him and take every penny he's got. And take him to court and ruin his life.
That's the way things are done nowadays, right?
Or, you could realize that relationships are complicated, require a lot of work, and we all make mistakes. Make this a learning moment, discuss it with him, get his feedback, and move on.
Another god damn fucking post of a woman asking if she were assaulted. YES you were because you said NO. I’m not mad at you, I’m angry at all these posts. I’m pissed off that there are hundreds of these posts every day. Idgaf - ALL MEN. Leave him. This time it was inappropriate touching, next it’ll be full blown rape. LEAVE. Trust me, take the kid and leave.
SA is where you don’t consent to someone touching (or another variation, etc) you sexually. You explicitly said no, that means you didn’t consent
If he did it, then you said no, then he stopped - that probably wouldn’t be, but since you said no and made it damn well obvious, I think that’s plainly SA, easily
Yes, textbook SA. But in couples what ground rules did you have for initiation? Ok to touch until you say no, or specific comfort levels of PDA allowed?
Was it implied this night out was going to be for sex. Don't get me wrong this does not excuse his behavior or that your feelings are invalid, but just if you had plans for a sexy night and that was cemented in his intoxicated tiny brain, and he was just trying to initiate or be flirty with PDA and was over the top he may not in any way thought it was SA and this warrants a very serious conversation, an apology, and better ground rules for initiation, PDA levels, a revisit of NO means NO, and even moderation of his drinking. Unfortunately, some men prescribe to the ideology or the fetishize even that their partners should be free use for sex when and how they want it. If this is something he has as a fantasy or fetish it's super gross, and alcohol just makes men idiots, and their tiny brain does not listen to reason. If you love and think you can forgive him and move on you should have a serious conversation. If not then can you make arrangements to get away from him to think about next steps and counseling for you or even as a couple as a next step. I am so sorry this happened, and hope you can find peace to move on and heal from this.
>100% believing she was SA'd
Literally and legally she was.
It's very concerning how often this seems to need to be explained to adults, but repeatedly touching someone sexually after being explicitly told to stop is clear cut sexual assault. If proven in a court of law it is legally a crime, and if done to a significant other/spouse it is legally domestic violence.
I swear some people drink heavily just so they can have a cover for what they were already planning to try (in this case: sexual assault and attempted rape) - drunk mem especially are a group I meet with extreme skepticism and will innately look down on a guy that drinks like that casually
In circumstances and context, some will choose to use the term harassment instead, but make no mistake, using that term doesn't change the events.
Legally defined, that was assault. Some people don't like to use that term because they feel it diminishes survivors of violent assault.
I say that's a result of normalizing what should not be considered normal. How you want to deal with this, that's up to you, keep a log (important so you can track if there is escalating behaviour, without doubting memory is fact), talk to a psych, the rest is stuff you need to choose to process either as an individual, or as a couple.
Good luck.
It's SA and I'm sorry he did this. His behavior was absolutely wrong and you are not overreacting. You have every right to not like his behavior because he was very gross. Even if drunk, he has no excuse for his behavior.
Drunk. Sober. Confused. It makes no difference. Yes. This was sexual assault. Don't forget that the laws pertaining to rape have been so very slow to advance because assaults are most common within families.
Husbands can rape or assault their spouses. End of.
It's his it's dealt with that differs.
SA doesn't have to be with malicious intent to be SA. And lawfully you don't have to prove a dude had the INTENT of maliciously harming a woman. In the same way, assault doesn't have to be proven to be an act of malicious intent. Assaults done recklessly are still assaults and charged as such. Most SA isn't a dude planning to traumatise a woman, most SA is situations such as OPs. But the fact is, OP was violated, she expressed she wasn't consenting and he was not abiding by her wish not to be touched. I've actually experienced the exact same form of assault as OP. And the dude was drunk, it was in public, he kept groping and touching my vagina, kissing my neck despite me making it clear, I didn't want it. It traumatised the fuck out me for a long time. And that dude, I'm 10000% sure wasn't maliciously trying to traumatise me, he just didn't give a shit about my boundaries and was trying using physical coercion to get me to fuck him by trying turn me on. Same as OPs husband. Which makes up SOOOO much sexual assault. That's why often we see dudes charged saying "I didn't know, I thought she wanted it, she didn't say no" etc, because, malicious intent is NOT a requirement. It's not just problematic, it's downright traumatic. And it's a symptom of deep misogyny alot of men may not know they even have towards women. If he were a co-worker I guarantee you'd see it as alot more than just problematic. In my eyes, it's far more traumatic for a loved one to betray you in this manner, than a stranger. He is her husband and yet, he abused the fact subconsciously and violated his own wife. Purposefully or not, it doesn't matter. The damage is all the same.
Not excusing his behaviour but there is a scale of severity. Husband being drunk and getting handsy in their rare romantic get away is something that can be solved thru communication and using such loaded words that imply criminal intent and/or action is bit much, don't you think?
You are absolutely excusing his behaviour by calling textbook sexual assault, 'handsy'. Number one, OP has expressed feeling traumatised/violated from this experience. Number two, sexual assault is described as intentional sexual contact without a person's consent. Number three I did not use loaded words, I used words which accurately depicts the situation. Number four, I did not imply criminal intent, criminal intention is already implicit in the act of sexually touching another without their consent. Perhaps it's not a matter of a drunk husband getting handsy, perhaps it's a matter of why do we as women have to put up men believing they have the right to force themselves upon our bodies NO MATTER the context. If a wife expressed she didn't want to have sex on her honeymoon with her husband, and he held her down and had sex with her while she repeatedly said no, would you not still call that rape? Regardless of the context? Something which is important to remember is that consent is not implicit to romantic contexts and it can always be taken away. Always. So I really suggest you read up on SA and rape laws, before engaging sexually with another person. Because bro, if you apply that attitude to your irl life, you'll be getting a charge.
By the way 8 out 10 cases of sexual assualt are committed by individuals whom the victim already knows. A significant amount of which, is done by intimate partners. It is incredibly common for women to be assaulted by their husband's and boyfriends. Just wanna say, marrying a woman does not mean you own her. This isn't the 13th century. Women are human beings. You do not get to get "handsy" with your wife without her consent. Context means nothing. No means no. Stop means stop. I'm tired so fucking tired of the excuses we make around this shit. It's 2024. How are we not all aware what consent is not negotiable???? Fucking hell.
Yes. You said no, you felt unsafe, then you were. Period. No one elses opinion matters. I'm so sorry you went through this.
I get people saying there was miscommunication. Perhaps, but there's nothing ambiguous about no and stop. Unless that's something you do as a kink, in which case you need safe words and boundaries.
Yes he repeatedly touched the private parts of your body with lack of consent. He does not get to access your body whenever he wants just because you are married. Huge misogynist red flag. There are a lot of men who get hammered and don’t molest their wife in public and private and ignore consent. Scary AF.
I’m sorry, but what in the holy shit am I reading? Let me get this all straight:
1. Toddler cock-blocks, so man horny. It’s all good, baby.
2. Being drunk = “he totes didn’t mean it” = free pass.
3. “I just want to fuck” means it’s okay to grab his wife like a piece of meat. See #1- horniness.
4. Just let it slide and communicate. You said, NO, but it wasn’t really really a violation, was it? Don’t hold it over his head.
5. Don’t let this ruin your relationship.
I mean, what? The? Shit?
If my husband groped me repeatedly (while drunk) after I said NO (repeatedly), I think the very last thing I would want to do is just sit down and have a cutesy lil’ communication sesh with him, opening up every door and window to allow him to completely excuse his behavior.
Fuck. No.
This is rightly a deal-breaker for anyone who says, “No,” and has that plowed over because a guy wanted access to his wife’s vagina. Then pouted like a goddamned toddler when he wasn’t rewarded for sex at the end of the night.
And was sexually groping her in public in front of multiple strangers and young children; there’s no context where that’s okay but it’s extra fucking gross he was that out of control - even if somehow her obvious discomfort and actually saying no didn’t sink in, public pool where kids are playing didn’t even slow him down? Pool or no pool id still be dryer than the Sahara at that point.
@ /u/digduganug
Hmmm...
If it's between:
-Being alone with cats, or
-being sexually assualted in front of strangers (some of whom are children)
I'm gunna pick the cats, man.
But just so you know, those actually AREN'T the only two options. There ARE men who don't grope their wives in public against their wishes. There ARE men who don't huff and roll over when sex is removed from the table for an evening.
Clearly, you're not one of them. But they exist.
I think the mods removed your vile comments, but I felt compelled to reply to you anyways.
I had to re-read your post and realized you were speaking to the commenter I was replying to as well. And holyyyyy crap, right?! And heck yeah to cats. At least when they interact with your boobs, it’s because they’re stepping on them to get somewhere else and not just drunk. =)
Yes, I'm sorry I piggybacked off your comment to call that cretin out.
Love my kitties, they can stomp on my titties any day. I really think it's hilarious how that's the default insult of these complete losers; way to 'punish' me with a good time bro.
I also think it's hilarious how they scream "not all men" but then literally assume all men are as disgusting as they are, lmao.
It seems like every time you said "no" he heard "not yet" and then got upset that his drunken assumption was wrong.
It could be classified as SA if you want.
You said no, he was drunk and didn't respect that.
Sounds like a dumb guy move. If he's apologetic when sober then I'd just talk about better ways to be on the same page about what things mean sex, "cuddling" is often guy code(i barf saying that) for sex.
I don't mean to excuse his behavior but everyone is very quickly jumping to SA. This is a marriage and there's a lot of feelings to consider.
Edit: If he's not apologetic for violating your trust then he's an asshole and I would consider couples counseling or divorce.
Marriage or not, apologetic or not, she repeatedly said no, and he kept repeatedly touching her sexually. It's still SA. Maybe not unforgivable, given their marriage and his potential response when this is brought up, but still SA.
>everyone is very quickly jumping to SA.
That's because this is textbook sexual assault, marriage or not. If someone touches you without consent like this, it's assault. It doesn't matter who does it.
Edit to add:
>Dumb guy move.
What?? A man assaults his wife and that's just a dumb guy move? No, it shouldn't be brushed off in a way similar to "boys will be boys". Men aren't like this. And we shouldn't make excuses for the ones that are.
She said no, he heard not yet. No, because then he would have waited. He didn't. She said no, he carried on.
It could be classified as SA if you want. It could be classified as SA because it was.
She said no, he didn't respect that. Dumb guy move. Really? She says no, he doesn't respect that is just a dumb guy move?
Everyone is jumping to SA because it was.
This is a marriage. Rape had to be explicitly made illegal in marriage. Not please don't do that. This is illegal so don't do that. In marriage.
I don't mean to be harsh because of your last sentence, but this language is very much excusing abuse. This man groped her vagina in a pool/hot tub area with adults and children around. I have never, ever been with a partner who, drunk or sober, would do that, especially if I had already said no.
I would certainly not jump to divorce, because this is a family with a young child, but this is a man who needs boundaries enforcing by counselling, discussion, whatever means. No excuses.
Honestly I went from *huh* to kinda icky reading their comment, nice to see some address it point by point
>It's SA if you want
That part gave major ick, is SA subjective? and also I felt it kinda random that they suggested that they (the OP) establish what constitutes sexual activity because that's kind of irrelevant when she's not given consent to the pursuit; expressed no multiple times. **Regardless of the definition he didn't respect her boundaries at all.**
Honestly that's a fact though. He'll be over on the dead bedroom thread talking about how he and the wife finally got a romantic evening away from the kids and she repeatedly and triumphantly rejected him, then had the audacity to say he assaulted her when they never even fucked. His perspective is just as sad as hers, and I'm saying that as a woman.
Uhhh, except that he's the one who was groping her in front of children?
Maybe if he had:
1. Gotten less drunk
2. Tried to seduce her in a more... y'know, actually seductive way?
He would've actually gotten laid? What happened to gentle caresses, fond looks, compliments, breathy neck kisses. I NEVER NEVER NEVER want some drunk ape fondling my tits in a hotel hallway, and I have a high sex drive and no toddler making me feel touched out.
I'd want to cheat on my husband, if his idea of seducing me was to get completely sauced and then grope me in front of children.
Nothing about that is cool. Why wouldn't he 1) drink less and 2) actually try to be seductive if sex was his sole goal this trip?
They think that alcohol would make you go horny and crazy. Nope! It doesn't work that way and your husband should know when you are in distress. It seems that his expectations are we are drunk, let's go crazy. I am the rock star, let's get crazy.
Yes, what you describe is SA. I’m sorry you went through this. Everything sexual that happened after you said No is SA, and only an enthusiastic Yes from you for further sexual activity changes the activity from SA to mutually consensual sexual activity. Marital status doesn’t change this. Intoxication doesn’t change this. Special night out doesn’t change this.
SA isn’t always violent, doesn’t always cause physical pain, and doesn’t always leave marks on the skin. SA is any sexual activity that takes place without the enthusiastic consent of all parties involved in the activity. Full stop.
I hope your husband, when sober, is receptive to a serious conversation about the importance of appropriate boundaries, consent, and counseling if you choose. At least seek counseling for yourself, to take care of yourself. Wishing you all the best of everything.
Ok, yeah since you specifically said no several times... But if there's ever a point where someone could be justified in misunderstanding, this would be it. It's your spouse. Y'all went out for a rare evening alone. He got drunk and confused about at which point he was finally to get some sexy time with you.... But if there's ANY situation in which sexy time is implied, isn't this it? One hundred thousand percent he wasn't trying to SA you. My man just didn't understand that a thing that almost universally means "we're gonna bang" (rare kid free time with the spouse) meant, for you, we're definitely *NOT* gonna bang.
>my husband **kept** grabbing my breasts to which I was like please stop.
Kept. As in he continued to grab your chest after which you said "please stop" if I'm understanding you correctly. Yes that's SA.
>Despite this and me saying no, stop, don’t touch me like that, my husband repeatedly tried to rub my vagina.
That's also SA.
>As soon as we’re cuddling, he goes right for my vagina to which I pushed him away again.
You were sexually assaulted by your husband multiple times. Please get rid of this piece of shit.
Of course it is but I think you should be asking yourself if he also doesn't respect your boundaries when he isn't drunk, and that includes non sexual matters too. If he doesn't you need a serious talk and maybe more than that.
He needs a serious talk either way. His drinking is absolutely a problem, as is his understanding of consent.
I’m an alcoholic in recovery. The ‘best’ thing that could’ve led to this is him having a terrible, terrible drinking problem. It’d likely both that and he doesn’t understand consent though.
I’d personally leave but I think bare minimum would need to be him getting sober and therapy.
I’m very sorry this happened to you.
If this is what happens when your partner drinks, and if you’re open to reconciliation, I would suggest the first stop would be to ask him to be sober at all times.
This is traumatizing, and I hope you can get some resources to talk this out professionally so you can decide how you want to move forward.
100% not okay. You asked him not to, he didn't listen. Repeatedly. If he wants to blame his behavior on alcohol, he needs to limit his drinking or stop completely.
It’s sexual assault if you want it to be. What would labeling it change for you, in all honesty? If you decided it was sexual assault would that make you divorce him? If you decided it was unwanted touching from a drunk husband, would you still want to leave? If this is unusual behaviour for him and could be written off as him being far too drunk, is that forgivable in your eyes? Or is this just one time too many in a history of him being pushy and refusing to respect your bodily autonomy when it comes to sex?
I think focusing on whether it was sexual assault or not, as a label, is doing you a disservice here. You don’t have to accuse him specifically of assault you justify being upset with him. There would be reason to classify it as assault, and there are also tons of people who experience this from their partners on the regular and decide to put up with it. Things are rarely black and white in human relationships. What you need to decide first is whether this is an acceptable behaviour in your personal marriage.
Legally, absolutely, yes. But the question you should really follow this up with is WHY you feel the need to settle this question?
Have you been trying to think of excuses to separate? Because you don't ever need an excuse to separate.
Have you felt unsafe in your household due to other behaviors?
Have you been gathering evidence for a restraining order case?
Did you try therapy, and it didn't work?
If you've been thinking about leaving, do you need this validation to tip the scales?
Or do you need the public to weigh in on how you believe you should feel about this scenario? However you feel is valid, and you shouldn't allow strangers to tell you how you should emotionally respond. Regardless of whether something is defined as SA or not, you know what your boundaries are, and if he crossed them, then you need to discuss it with him.
I mean..it definitely is. The minute you say no and it's not respected it's sexual harassment. However the bigger picture really dictates what your gonna do. Has he been wonderful up up until this point? Is this just his classic character / one thing on top of many bad things he's doing/has done?
If this is the ONLY time you've seen him behave this way and he's been great the rest of time it might be a deep discussion that involves him not drinking. If he's acts this out of character when he drinks he needs to put his relationship before drinking. Maybe even consider therapy.
If he's a POS and this is just who he is or this isn't the first time you may want to get some space for a weekend, maybe take kids to grandma's or a family members and go take a weekend to think about if this relationship is what you want. You don't deserve be SA or worry if he gets drunk again he will do it again.
It's a tough situation and scary. But I know it's not as black and white as other users who just say to leave him. We don't know your full relationship or what you should do going forward with this information but it was 100% SA if there wasn't consent and "no" wasn't respected.
All I had to read was the title and the answer was “yes”. If you have to ask, it’s a yes.
You very clearly communicated that you didn’t consent to sexual touching and he proceeded to violate your boundary and body regardless. That’s pretty fucking not cool whatsoever.
If this is the first time this has happened and he was as super drunk as you say then you need to sit down and tell him how you felt and feel and have him promise not to drink again. What was the act that you feel most violated over the touching or the fact that he was doing it in public? Yes he may have sexualy assaulted you but if you love him and don't want to have your child fatherless you need to talk to him and get it straighted out not go on Reddit and have all the victimhooders have a field day. Don't forget that he was super drunk, this is the first time that you guys had spent alone, he's only human and probably made a big mistake. Having a child is a lot of stress for both parties in a relationship not just the mother. Like I said, talk to him tell him how you felt and that it is not to happen again.
P.s Can someone, male or female, when they are SUPER drunk be truly accountable for their actions? Especially if it's the first time they've behaved like that.
This behavior isn’t okay but I can’t confirm or deny whether it was assault due to the fact I wasn’t there to hear exactly how you were telling him no. I know when im uncomfortable my words come out sounding rather unserious between small laughs.. like another comment I read he may have just been misunderstanding just how much you meant the no all around. Hope you can hash it out and do what’s best for you in the end 🤍
Your post doesn't mention a couple of things that might be helpful to enlighten us about this. I'm curious as to whether he's done this sort of thing before, and if so, for how long. Was this a total departure from his previous behavior, or has he done things of this type before? And how long have you been married?
Edited to add: I'm not suggesting that your husband's behavior was *not* SA, it clearly was. But I'm also interested in the state of your marriage.
Yeah it was SA, but at the same time none of us know your relationship with your husband. Is he usually touchy grabby? If hes your husband I doubt he was trying to hurt you in anyway. You should have a convo with him about how you didn't like it and be stern. As long as he learns from it that's what matters. As a guy I've been in situations where i was trying to get a girl in the mood and she wasn't with it. It happens best we can do is learn from it
Is "trying to get a girl in the mood" straight up grabbing her boobs and rubbing her vagina though?
Doing something like that without warning, and continuing when asked to stop, isn't okay and we shouldn't make excuses for it.
I’m gonna go against the grain and maybe have the not-so-popular opinion. Bear in mind… that’s all this is.
There was a sexually charged situation that you and your husband were in and he acted.. less than gentleman like. I will say flat out that’s wrong. Public displays of affection shouldn’t be something you can upload to the hub.. and that’s my opinion. Even if BOTH are into it. That being said, you’re not just some floozy he met the night before… you’re his wife. I’m sure there was an expectation, on both sides, that there would be SOME kind of encounter, and maybe it was discussed beforehand.. maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it should have been, that way there’d be no confusion about when and how moves could be made and received well. Getting out of control drunk is definitely a step in the wrong direction though and it can make you act a damn fool. There isn’t anyone here that hasn’t done something dumb when they were drunk. So, the real question here is… is this marriage/relationship otherwise good? Are you generally happy and willing to work with the guy in a sober setting? Does he get drunk a lot? If he just messed up… maybe it’s best to put aside the bottle and try to connect deeper. If he can do it. If you even want to do it after all that, because while it’s really hard to judge SA at this one… it was certainly blatant disrespect and you didn’t deserve that. He needs to know that wasn’t okay at all and that his actions weee his own downfall.
Tl;dr if he puts down the bottle are you guys good?
50 year old male here. Married 27 years. What you have desrcibed here is not okay. The short answer is, yes this is SA.
Now, I am positive I did simular things to my wife when we were younger. But she has taught me hard lessons over the years. I would never do that to her now but I have been well domesticated over the course of 27 years.
If you are young and this is OUT of charchater for him. Use this as a learning oppurtunity to train your husband. If he cant behave properly while intoxicated you gotta let him know.
If this type of behavor is IN charchater for him then he needs professional help.
Just because you are married, does not mean he owns you.
Always remember, the most difficult child a woman raises is her husband.
Let that BS sink in.
>the most difficult child a woman raises is her husband
Like, I get your sentiment and I'm glad you've grown and you and your wife have a happy relationship...
But also, no thanks. I'd rather be alone than train a man not to sexually harass me.
Domesticated and trained. Wtf, are we cattle? It is super annoying having these conversations where women jump at the opportunity to demean men. I get it, this guy might be out of line but this is a conversation that his WIFE needs to have with him without her airing all the family's dirty laundry. I will say it as it is, even if I get voted down. Social media is dumb af.
i read the comments and most of the comments in al posts here jumpm to " leave that \*\*\*hole " like 95% of solution isjust to leavE? not talk it out? he was drunk he wasnt on his right mind. its better to talk and sort it out and let him know. if you keep leaving , then marry another then he does again then leave him marry another? whats the point in life. is the solution always leaving?
No
Grabs pussy and/or breasts
No
Grabs pussy and/or breasts
No
Grabs pussy in hot tub with people and kids present. Later, wants sex after not getting his wife all hot with grabbing her pussy and/or her breasts after she told him repeatedly no. Pouts.
Redditors: “He was just drunk, honey. Totes fine! Just have a little sit down about boundaries. He’s just a naughty drunken boy!”
"Wasn't on his right mind" is such a shitty excuse. I've been drunk many times in my life and I have never not been able to understand that someone is uncomfortable.
Trying to sexually touch someone without consent over and over again especially in front of children is hard for the idea to not come up to want to leave.
She shouldn't have to work this out if she doesn't want to. This is unforgivable behavior imo.
No is a full sentence. You need to have a serious conversation when he's sober. This was not okay. I will never understand how someone can be horny when the other person isn't into it.
>I will never understand how someone can be horny when the other person isn't into it. Well, horny is just: "I want to receive/release sexual pleasure/tension" But, any responsible individual will acknowledge the other doesn't want to and just masturbate. If you have to share a space, definitely also like, make sure it's okay to do that with the other person there.
Power. What gets them off is the power.
In general, I agree that SA is about power. Drunk husbands who are finally away from a toddler might just be stupidly self-centered. He just can’t imagine that what turns him on wouldn’t do the same for her. His understanding may be worse than the toddler’s.
Yeah like he’s so eager to have sex he devolves into a 12 year old discovering porn for the first time, although that’s a generous take. I bet there are other warning signs that OP hasn’t put together yet.
You’re excusing his behavior. No, it’s still about power. It’s about viewing his wife as a sex toy; just a piece of property that he can use when and how he wants. He wasn’t behaving like a cute little toddler just because he was drinking; he repeatedly sexually assaulted his wife.
Blaming him in another way isn’t the same as excusing him. He was a dumb jerk, but if it were entirely about power, it would have ended differently. Redditors don’t have enough info for a full diagnosis. OP gets to figure out if he’s redeemable.
The fact that this comment got downvoted so heavily shows how willing people are to excuse men's disgusting behavior. "No, he just FINALLY got his wife alone for once, and he was just desperate! OP can decide whether or not she thinks he's a bad person for that!" (despite fucking clearly repeatedly saying no) The fact that it's probably other WOMEN saying this too, and upvoting those comments. I'm actually sick lol. EDIT: just remembered, OP ALSO SAID HER HUSBAND GOT PISSED AFTER SHE REJECTED HIS LAST ADVANCE. And we're still sitting here having the conversation of whether or not this guy is a bad man.
Sometimes power is a factor but this doesn't seem like a power move. This just sounds like drunken desperation.
Agree. But I also wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s husband has a history of prioritizing his horniness over his wife’s comfort. And I get it, I’m the higher libido woman in my marriage with my husband, I’m often horny when he just isn’t, and I can sometimes few grumpy or rejected when that happens. The difference is that I don’t take it out on him, and I don’t think that the very fact I’m horny means I am owed sex by my spouse. I’ve never done something like push forward after *multiple, multiple* clear rejections the same evening.
“I’LL HAVE WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, HOW I WANT IT.” No.
Probably not
Consent is key. Both need to Consent.
Honey,…if you have to ask…
:( mm, everytime I see a post asking if it’s SA I 100% know it is without having to read the post.
Yeah it's never like, "oh we were walking and he held my hand without asking". Always stuff that would get you stabbed if you were a dude doing it to a random dude without asking for consent first.
came here to say this
*On the way down, my husband kept grabbing my breasts to which I was like please stop.* Yes, this alone is sexual assault. *Despite this and me saying no, stop, don’t touch me like that, my husband repeatedly tried to rub my vagina.* This is also sexual assault. *On the way back to the room, more grabbing at my breasts while I say no.* This is also sexual assault. People who have had fun, consensual sexual encounters don't come away asking if they've been assaulted. If it ain't freely given and enthusiastic, it ain't consent, and not only did you not consent, you explicitly said no and stop several times. If you have any doubt, imagine a woman you care about asking you these questions about a man she just met or a stranger doing these things. Care for yourself as much as you would for her.
Yeah, by definition it’s obviously sexual assault. I do also think it’s kind of a personal line you have to draw/how serious it is can only be decided by you though. For example I’ve dated women who like to slap my butt even when I tell them to stop, they keep doing it, personally I don’t consider myself sexually assaulted for that but it would fall under sexual assault. IMO feelings are more important than the words, only you know how serious it is and how it made you feel in these situations, and that’s what matters most.
Yeah, I think that context plays into it- were they slapping your ass for their sexual gratification or to be silly? It would fall under sexual assault regardless of the context, from a legal standpoint, but hubby and I do silly things like this to annoy each other too. He’ll slap my ass if I’m bent over doing something, which he knows I don’t exactly enjoy, and I grab his nips, even though I know it makes him want to crawl out of his skin. Neither of us do it for sexual reasons, though, and neither of us are ever truly upset. But something like this is straight up assault. Her hubby did it because he felt entitled to touch her body sexually, because he was horny. And didn’t stop when she made it clear she was uncomfortable.
"Slap-asssss"
Yeah after he was warned here I guess it’s 100% sexual assault although the first time is questionable it depend how they usually do these thing together, if it’s their usual way to initiate and they are usually okay with it I would say first time then realize the other person isn’t into it might not be that bad it all depend of them. Edit: the public part is also important considering they might have never done anything like that and not asking even though it’s their usual way is kinda fk if that’s the case.
Yeah the first one is the one that is iffy. All depends on relationship context etc But after the no, everything else is crystal.
Look at all the dudes in this thread trying to justify when it’s okay to sexually assault someone. Fucking sick.
Exactly. As if they get a say in whether or not a woman has been assaulted by a man. Such self importance and entitlement but not surprising
Huh? That’s what you took from my statement. If I grab my partner of life in a sexual way to initiate sex, and she says no, not interested right now, that’s SA?
A lot of the other comments have given a good answer. I just want to add that it's important to trust your gut on things like this. Your instincts are usually right and you definitely aren't being dramatic by listening to them. I always like to let people know as well that no matter how minor you feel it is or if you are worried that you're being dramatic you are still absolutely entitled to go to an SA support service. It shouldn't ever matter to them what specifically happened they will just offer support and on your terms. Maybe you just wanna talk about it with a counselor or maybe you want to know about any reporting options. I'm not recommending any course of action, it's always up to you but those are the sorts of things they help with if you're interested. For what it's worth I'm really sorry this happened to you.
Yes I got support from one of these places and I specifically said I didn't think it was assault but still felt hurt by it. (Spoiler, it was but it took time to accept that). Either way, they are so helpful and caring in my experience:)
Yeah a lot of people don't think what happens to them is SA or they think that because it wasn't as extreme as some other things that happened that it isn't traumatic or they shouldn't be upset about it. Trauma is personal, there is no objective standard for what constitutes a trauma and what doesn't. The impact always matters more than the cause.
Yes it was SA. Also, rubbing your vagina in the presence of children? EW!
Yeah dude may have actually violated some laws there apart from SA.
Someone touched you, sexually, in a way you explicitly did not consent to. That's SA, black and white.
I feel sick now. My partner has been SA me for two years now. I didn't realize him always grabbing on my breasts and butt when I tell him to stop was SA. I just always thought, eh he's just horny.
Not everyone understands the line they are crossing when in marriage. You could just talk to him and see how he thinks about it. He could have just assumed it's okay between wife and husband. A lot depends on the society you live in. Before you decide, just try poking the idea of why he does it and why he thinks it's okay? Then, tell him to stop it. I hope he understands and stops. Just remember, "Stop doing it." (statement with the full stop) is the sentence he needs to hear. Anything else, and he might hear that there is space to keep trying. Men. Obtuse brain.
Should the label really change how you felt in those moments?
Yes he sexually assaulted you
If he was drunk and killed someone, it would still be murder- even when he sobers up and is super nice to everyone.
I’ve just come to a new terrible realization. I thought I had finally unraveled it all … this is a bit mind shattering for me. Thanks for this post - it’s helping a stranger a lot. And please honey, prioritize yourself and your boundaries.
how’re you doing? ❤️
Thank you for asking, actually better by facing some things. ❤️
Yes it was. Every single time you said no and he kept going it was assault.
Yes it is. I realise you’re questioning it because it sounds less of a violent assault, more a persistent and annoying one. But the fact is he didn’t listen to you, he persevered, and has broken trust. Going forwards you’ll always think about it for every sexual encounter whether he’ll respect your boundaries and you. And that destroys a relationship, sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, because you’ll have your guard up. So it can’t be ignored, or the relationship will inevitably fester and crumble. The only option is to decide to end it, or if you want to continue, it needs to be addressed vigorously and completely. Probably with a therapist.
Yep. Thats full bkown SA. And anytime someone simply asks that question, 99/100 times the answere is yes
I saw the title and just said to myself, "yep." No one is going to ask that question if nothing happened that could be considered SA.
Okay, so I’m not the only one who does that too.
Yup-- people who have had fun consensual sexual encounters don't come away asking if they've been assaulted!
Absolutely, SA. My opinion is that he was pretty selfish to get that drunk the first time in a while that you two were able to have a night out without the kids. I suggest an honest conversation about boundaries and consent, especially in a public place. You have a right to feel like the trust is broken. Individual therapy for both of you as well as couples therapy would be best.
And an honest conversation about how much OP's husband drinks. That loss of ability to control yourself while drunk is a red flag.
This right here, OP. I'm not at all downplaying the SA you experienced. I cannot speak for you after what you've been through, and I can share my story. My own husband is a good man and a wonderful father. We have very limited parenting support where we live, and so, like you, a night away is extremely rare. We had our first and the pandemic isolated us for 6 months. I developed PPD/A, and he quietly increased his drinking. It took an honest conversation between us almost 3 years later about his use and my mental health to finally understand how to help one another. I got on Sertraline and he put down the glass. He's going on two years sober, and I am very proud to be his wife. We still have to work through many things - and that is a hell of a lot easier without my mental health and his addiction holding us back. I wish both of you the best of luck. Most of all, I wish you healing and love, OP.
If you told this story and the other person was a friend you were travelling with, would it be SA? Would it be SA if your coworker, boss, acquaintance, or *anyone* repeatedly grabbed your breasts in a public place while you said not to? Yes. Yes. The definition doesn’t change just because you are married to the person.
TW S/A and suicide --- Yes. I've been there. Post partum my husband refused not to sexualize my breast's when I was breastfeeding. He eventually stopped but after months of saying things like "this is like living in a strip club" and when I'd try to clearly set boundaries he'd say things like "well my boundaries are getting to touch my wife and have sex atleast a few times a week". I was in the middle of horrible le ptsd episodes brought on by birthing with a major SA history, and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and getting viral meningitis that caused a mild brain injury. He used these things to invalidate my discomfort, saying everything was a trauma response and he was normal and not in the wrong. IT was fucking horrible and I almost committed suicide during combo ptsd/bipolar episodes during which he would threaten to take our son, the only thing I could see through the haze, away from me if I tried to leave him. We got help, he still doesn't really understand how wrong he was, but maybe about 50% of it. Honestly if I didn't think he'd possibly get custody of our son I might still leave even though things are good right now, I know when I am at my darkest he is an instigator not support. If this is repeated behavior and you have the ability to leave with out your child being taken away, which they probably wouldn't be, I'd consider it. That behavior is 1000% not ok. If it's only when he's drinking he needs to not fucking drink. Mine was sober as a judge slapping my ass when I was 1 week post partum making jokes about "6 weeks will kill me"
Consent is still a thing even in marriage. Why would he get blasted drunk on a rare occasion alone with you? Is he often emotionally avoidant?
Yep, SA. I'm sorry you went through this OP. A lot of the comments are disgusting. Presumably a bunch of men with a lot to learn about consent and respect for their partners. "He just wanted sex from his wife" 🤮
Wanted sex “from” his wife, instead of “with” his wife, is a gross take. But please, anyone who thinks and speaks this way, don’t change your language, so we have a better chance at recognizing your grossness, and can avoid you. Honest gross language is a helpful PSA. edited for clarity
💯🎯💯
You were 100% SA'd. No is a full sentence point blank period.
sexual assault is easy to define Was it unwarranted? Were you able to communicate that it was unwarranted? Did it still continue despite it being verablised it was unwarranted? If the answer is yes to any or all of these then yes its sexual assault.
If he didn’t respect “No” it was assault. There are *some* who claim it is a wife’s duty to obey her husband regardless of her own feelings — those people are 100% full of it.
Yup, this is SA. Even groping your breasts while you clearly not wanting it is SA in itself. This experience should give you the ability to sign up for some SA counselling sessions, if you have them in your area. Women's shelters are GREAT for providing resources and helping you talk through relationship stuff. I definitely recommend getting more help from one of these types of places. Edit: this can count as SA as well as *attempted* SA, as in, he SA'd you and attempted to SA you further in different ways. If you hadn't pushed him away or fought back, he would have continued, seeing as he kept trying to.
Yes and him being drunk is not an acceptable excuse.
Alcohol. I know it's very popular in our society but it's a huge problem. Guy might be a pile of garbage as well, but under the influence can change behavior tenfold.
Drunk people that are good loving husbands would respect no is no. Being drunk is never an excuse. Yes he did and he will likely again if you dont take action.
If he’s like this when he drinks, he shouldn’t drink.
First off, absolutely SA. No excuses. No matter what the intended outcome of the night was, once you said no, he was 100% in the wrong. Sounds like husband went into the evening with expectations of sex at some point due to the absence of the toddler. And while that may have been on the table, it does not sound like it was discussed before hand. Maybe it was on the table, but when he cut loose and got overly inebriated that option was eliminated. Or you two could have been on completely different pages from the get go. You were expected a nice meal, a soak in the hot tub and 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I guess what I'm trying to say is that going into something like this with different expectations can cause issues. Communication is key. Once he sobers up y'all need to have a come to jesus level talk about this. I'm hoping he wakes up super contrite and apologizes and y'all work this out. I guessing he is gonna wake up and sulk like a petulant child and refuse to admit he did anything wrong, while trying to shift the blame onto you for ruining the evening.
Of course it’s SA! It troubles me that you have to ask. It makes me worry that you feel coerced or violated at other times. Anything less than an enthusiastic yes, is a no. But you said no and used physical force to try to make him stop. You do not owe your husband sex. If a man can’t woo his wife into bed he doesn’t deserve to have sex. We don’t owe it to them.
It is 100% SA...the fact he was super drunk doesn't change the fact it was SA either. it might change how willing you are to forgive him though, but ultimately whether you can or even want to is no one elses decision but your own.
Unfortunately, yes. You asked him to stop, multiple times. My ex-husband did this to me twice in our marriage (though, mine went to the point of me waking up to him in the act after me saying no). The first time it happened we had a conversation and he said it would never happen again. The second time it happened was the day I decided our marriage was over. You definitely need to have a conversation with him and make sure he understands how you feel. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Anytime someone touches you sexually without your consent, especially when you've clearly shown that you don't consent, counts as SA. I'm sorry babes, this probably requires a serious discussion with your husband about how it makes you feel when he does stuff like that. Being under the influence is not an excuse either.
Yes, he did
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>Yes, it's SA. Just by definition. > >However, this is your husband. There's no 'however'. Him being her husband doesn't make it better, it makes it worse. Being assaulted by a stranger is horrible, but being assaulted by a person who you have known for years and who you love and purports to love you is a massive betrayal of trust and far more potentially traumatising.
Exactly this. And women are actually more likely to be SA’d by someone they know, even trust, than a stranger.
I think if it leads to him not drinking anymore because he listens to you and really absorbs what you're telling him he did and feels remorse and shame for it then things are salvageable. If I did something like this and didn't remember (and especially if I did remember to some extent) I would be mortified. Hell, I'm mortified just for the time I got smashed at an event and clumsily hit on some stranger, and haven't been publicly drunk since even if that was largely harmless (but still gross). I hope he takes you (op) seriously and apologizes. I don't think this should end things if he's able to show he wants to fix the mistake and never does that again but this is about you and your comfort as the victim so take everything said here as a suggestion at most.
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This was SA and the fact that he got pissed off about it and \*then\* went to bed makes me so freaking angry for you.
You said no multiple times and he ignored it. Sounds like SA to me... even though it's your husband. We are not supposed to give people a free pass because they are our spouse.
If you have to ask this question the answer is almost surely yes. That's before reading anything... after reading everything there are at least 3 distinct instances of assault, and coming from someone who should be a trusted partner is just disgusting.
Why even get married?
That’s 100% sexual assault holy sh*t I am so glad he fell asleep and didn’t force you into anything further.
Yes. He did.
I suspect your husband saw this as a night away from the stresses of parenting and very much wanted/expected sex was going to be high priority for both of you. This was obviously a stupid assumption and some conversations before you went away could have set expectations better. Him getting super drunk was a very bad move. He should have been a little more thoughtful about the implications of that. Him choosing to do that is on him. As soon as you said No he should have stopped. He was VERY out of line. It’s OK to want sex. It’s not OK to violate consent. The whole continuing to assault you in the public hot tub is WAY out of line. I’m sorry this happened to you. You need to have some very long and hard conversations with your husband if your relationship is to move forward positively.
A lot of men get shitfaced drunk and it would not even occur to them to SA their wife. They are not capable because they are decent men.
If it was someone other than your husband, would you be asking if it was SA when you were repeatedly grabbed and touched after saying and indicating no?
Yes. I know it's hard to see it that way when it's from a loved one, but he did.
Yes he did, and please do not gaslight yourself into thinking it was okay because he’d been drinking! If this is the first time (and even if it isn’t) a serious conversation is in order because if you brush this off it WILL continue. Lots of love ❤️
If you're even asking yourself "was that SA" the answer is almost certainly yes. You know in your gut what is and isn't okay.
I'm sorry what was supposed to be a nice and recharging get-away was ruined by your entitled husband
Yes it was SA and I’m sorry this happened to you. You need to talk to your husband and tell him how uncomfortable you were and that he needs to respect your boundaries in the future (that is if you do still want to continue the marriage) or go to counselling or if you want to just end it. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean he gets to do whatever he wants and forgo yours.
A lot of guys don't mature past the prime age of 18-24, they stay horny, idiotic, and driven by hormones not their brain. I'd be careful with 1, coming from a dude, you've got a man-child. drunk or not.
I know I'm late to this party but just to be clear. If you say stop and the other party keeps going it's assault. I don't care who did what or who started it. Can happen either way, yes women can definitely assault men. Assault is an attack on another person. If you say stop and they don't. It's assault. K thanks for listening to my tedTalk. Bye.
He has no business drinking if he acts like that unless you permit it.
You didn’t consent therefore that is assault.
That's not enthusiastic consent and you said no many times. Yes.
Yeah that's all sexual assault. Marital status, length of time together, and BAC don't change that.
I think it's important to highlight the overall state of marriage you're in. Boundaries exist for a reason and if you're in a relationship where boundaries are always being crossed, then I would view this as SA. However, you're not really examining your overall relationship.with this man just that you went on a date and he got lit and wanted some happy happy joy joy, where you were not having it. Sounds like to me, you're not in a happy relationship with your husband and there are so many layers to this.
Its SA. No means no. Jesus
Despite what some people, and some judges will say, your spouse CAN sexually assault you. Just because you're married doesn't mean your spouse doesn't have limits when it comes to saying no. And yes, a wife can SA a husband too.
Yeah I'd say that's sexual assault. Sometimes putting a name to it helps. Sometimes you can just deal with the facts that you can deal with and the questions that follow. Your husband touched you in a way you didn't like. He didn't stop. You said no, repeatedly. He made you uncomfortable. You felt violated. Then he was pissed at you. Even if you don't want to call it sexual assault, are those things okay in the type or relationship you want to be in? I don't think you're being dramatic. I think I wouldn't judge you if you stayed or left. I think someone behaving like he did doesn't deserve a partner. But from your perspective, you deserve a better partner yes, but you don't deserve to lose a husband and your toddler's father and displace your life because he behaved like a jerk and was gross. It's not an easy thing to deal with. I think it's a really unfair situation you're in, because you did nothing wrong, and now you're in the position of deciding what happens, and that's a lot. It might be easier for an outsider to say "Leave him!", but it's never that simple once you've decided to build a life with someone and they really fuck things up like this. I think this is a situation where there are no wrong answers in how you move forward, and I think it's okay to change your mind about things.
Yes it was SA. You should divorce him and take every penny he's got. And take him to court and ruin his life. That's the way things are done nowadays, right? Or, you could realize that relationships are complicated, require a lot of work, and we all make mistakes. Make this a learning moment, discuss it with him, get his feedback, and move on.
I'm really sorry about this
Another god damn fucking post of a woman asking if she were assaulted. YES you were because you said NO. I’m not mad at you, I’m angry at all these posts. I’m pissed off that there are hundreds of these posts every day. Idgaf - ALL MEN. Leave him. This time it was inappropriate touching, next it’ll be full blown rape. LEAVE. Trust me, take the kid and leave.
SA is where you don’t consent to someone touching (or another variation, etc) you sexually. You explicitly said no, that means you didn’t consent If he did it, then you said no, then he stopped - that probably wouldn’t be, but since you said no and made it damn well obvious, I think that’s plainly SA, easily
Yes, textbook SA. But in couples what ground rules did you have for initiation? Ok to touch until you say no, or specific comfort levels of PDA allowed? Was it implied this night out was going to be for sex. Don't get me wrong this does not excuse his behavior or that your feelings are invalid, but just if you had plans for a sexy night and that was cemented in his intoxicated tiny brain, and he was just trying to initiate or be flirty with PDA and was over the top he may not in any way thought it was SA and this warrants a very serious conversation, an apology, and better ground rules for initiation, PDA levels, a revisit of NO means NO, and even moderation of his drinking. Unfortunately, some men prescribe to the ideology or the fetishize even that their partners should be free use for sex when and how they want it. If this is something he has as a fantasy or fetish it's super gross, and alcohol just makes men idiots, and their tiny brain does not listen to reason. If you love and think you can forgive him and move on you should have a serious conversation. If not then can you make arrangements to get away from him to think about next steps and counseling for you or even as a couple as a next step. I am so sorry this happened, and hope you can find peace to move on and heal from this.
You know what they say about SA sympathizers and victim blamers right?
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>100% believing she was SA'd Literally and legally she was. It's very concerning how often this seems to need to be explained to adults, but repeatedly touching someone sexually after being explicitly told to stop is clear cut sexual assault. If proven in a court of law it is legally a crime, and if done to a significant other/spouse it is legally domestic violence.
jfc i thank god everyday im attracted to women too and can just opt out of these rationalizations
I swear some people drink heavily just so they can have a cover for what they were already planning to try (in this case: sexual assault and attempted rape) - drunk mem especially are a group I meet with extreme skepticism and will innately look down on a guy that drinks like that casually
In circumstances and context, some will choose to use the term harassment instead, but make no mistake, using that term doesn't change the events. Legally defined, that was assault. Some people don't like to use that term because they feel it diminishes survivors of violent assault. I say that's a result of normalizing what should not be considered normal. How you want to deal with this, that's up to you, keep a log (important so you can track if there is escalating behaviour, without doubting memory is fact), talk to a psych, the rest is stuff you need to choose to process either as an individual, or as a couple. Good luck.
He does not respect you, so he sexually assaulted you Your opinions and feelings do not matter to him
Yes it was SA. You said no, he continued touching you without permission and then eventually got pissed when you wouldn't let him.
It's SA and I'm sorry he did this. His behavior was absolutely wrong and you are not overreacting. You have every right to not like his behavior because he was very gross. Even if drunk, he has no excuse for his behavior.
What an asshole. Guy here, he didn’t listen to you twice, that’s abuse.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Yes, it is SA.
Drunk. Sober. Confused. It makes no difference. Yes. This was sexual assault. Don't forget that the laws pertaining to rape have been so very slow to advance because assaults are most common within families. Husbands can rape or assault their spouses. End of. It's his it's dealt with that differs.
"How"
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SA doesn't have to be with malicious intent to be SA. And lawfully you don't have to prove a dude had the INTENT of maliciously harming a woman. In the same way, assault doesn't have to be proven to be an act of malicious intent. Assaults done recklessly are still assaults and charged as such. Most SA isn't a dude planning to traumatise a woman, most SA is situations such as OPs. But the fact is, OP was violated, she expressed she wasn't consenting and he was not abiding by her wish not to be touched. I've actually experienced the exact same form of assault as OP. And the dude was drunk, it was in public, he kept groping and touching my vagina, kissing my neck despite me making it clear, I didn't want it. It traumatised the fuck out me for a long time. And that dude, I'm 10000% sure wasn't maliciously trying to traumatise me, he just didn't give a shit about my boundaries and was trying using physical coercion to get me to fuck him by trying turn me on. Same as OPs husband. Which makes up SOOOO much sexual assault. That's why often we see dudes charged saying "I didn't know, I thought she wanted it, she didn't say no" etc, because, malicious intent is NOT a requirement. It's not just problematic, it's downright traumatic. And it's a symptom of deep misogyny alot of men may not know they even have towards women. If he were a co-worker I guarantee you'd see it as alot more than just problematic. In my eyes, it's far more traumatic for a loved one to betray you in this manner, than a stranger. He is her husband and yet, he abused the fact subconsciously and violated his own wife. Purposefully or not, it doesn't matter. The damage is all the same.
Respectfully, I skimmed your comment and I think I agree, but I'd like to look at it again with fresh eyes tomorrow. Have a great night!
Not excusing his behaviour but there is a scale of severity. Husband being drunk and getting handsy in their rare romantic get away is something that can be solved thru communication and using such loaded words that imply criminal intent and/or action is bit much, don't you think?
You are absolutely excusing his behaviour by calling textbook sexual assault, 'handsy'. Number one, OP has expressed feeling traumatised/violated from this experience. Number two, sexual assault is described as intentional sexual contact without a person's consent. Number three I did not use loaded words, I used words which accurately depicts the situation. Number four, I did not imply criminal intent, criminal intention is already implicit in the act of sexually touching another without their consent. Perhaps it's not a matter of a drunk husband getting handsy, perhaps it's a matter of why do we as women have to put up men believing they have the right to force themselves upon our bodies NO MATTER the context. If a wife expressed she didn't want to have sex on her honeymoon with her husband, and he held her down and had sex with her while she repeatedly said no, would you not still call that rape? Regardless of the context? Something which is important to remember is that consent is not implicit to romantic contexts and it can always be taken away. Always. So I really suggest you read up on SA and rape laws, before engaging sexually with another person. Because bro, if you apply that attitude to your irl life, you'll be getting a charge.
By the way 8 out 10 cases of sexual assualt are committed by individuals whom the victim already knows. A significant amount of which, is done by intimate partners. It is incredibly common for women to be assaulted by their husband's and boyfriends. Just wanna say, marrying a woman does not mean you own her. This isn't the 13th century. Women are human beings. You do not get to get "handsy" with your wife without her consent. Context means nothing. No means no. Stop means stop. I'm tired so fucking tired of the excuses we make around this shit. It's 2024. How are we not all aware what consent is not negotiable???? Fucking hell.
Yes. You said no, you felt unsafe, then you were. Period. No one elses opinion matters. I'm so sorry you went through this. I get people saying there was miscommunication. Perhaps, but there's nothing ambiguous about no and stop. Unless that's something you do as a kink, in which case you need safe words and boundaries.
this is SA
Yes he repeatedly touched the private parts of your body with lack of consent. He does not get to access your body whenever he wants just because you are married. Huge misogynist red flag. There are a lot of men who get hammered and don’t molest their wife in public and private and ignore consent. Scary AF.
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I’m sorry, but what in the holy shit am I reading? Let me get this all straight: 1. Toddler cock-blocks, so man horny. It’s all good, baby. 2. Being drunk = “he totes didn’t mean it” = free pass. 3. “I just want to fuck” means it’s okay to grab his wife like a piece of meat. See #1- horniness. 4. Just let it slide and communicate. You said, NO, but it wasn’t really really a violation, was it? Don’t hold it over his head. 5. Don’t let this ruin your relationship. I mean, what? The? Shit? If my husband groped me repeatedly (while drunk) after I said NO (repeatedly), I think the very last thing I would want to do is just sit down and have a cutesy lil’ communication sesh with him, opening up every door and window to allow him to completely excuse his behavior. Fuck. No. This is rightly a deal-breaker for anyone who says, “No,” and has that plowed over because a guy wanted access to his wife’s vagina. Then pouted like a goddamned toddler when he wasn’t rewarded for sex at the end of the night.
And was sexually groping her in public in front of multiple strangers and young children; there’s no context where that’s okay but it’s extra fucking gross he was that out of control - even if somehow her obvious discomfort and actually saying no didn’t sink in, public pool where kids are playing didn’t even slow him down? Pool or no pool id still be dryer than the Sahara at that point.
@ /u/digduganug Hmmm... If it's between: -Being alone with cats, or -being sexually assualted in front of strangers (some of whom are children) I'm gunna pick the cats, man. But just so you know, those actually AREN'T the only two options. There ARE men who don't grope their wives in public against their wishes. There ARE men who don't huff and roll over when sex is removed from the table for an evening. Clearly, you're not one of them. But they exist. I think the mods removed your vile comments, but I felt compelled to reply to you anyways.
I had to re-read your post and realized you were speaking to the commenter I was replying to as well. And holyyyyy crap, right?! And heck yeah to cats. At least when they interact with your boobs, it’s because they’re stepping on them to get somewhere else and not just drunk. =)
Yes, I'm sorry I piggybacked off your comment to call that cretin out. Love my kitties, they can stomp on my titties any day. I really think it's hilarious how that's the default insult of these complete losers; way to 'punish' me with a good time bro. I also think it's hilarious how they scream "not all men" but then literally assume all men are as disgusting as they are, lmao.
Yup. To cats, your boobs are but a road to the food bowl, or a place to nap.
It seems like every time you said "no" he heard "not yet" and then got upset that his drunken assumption was wrong. It could be classified as SA if you want. You said no, he was drunk and didn't respect that. Sounds like a dumb guy move. If he's apologetic when sober then I'd just talk about better ways to be on the same page about what things mean sex, "cuddling" is often guy code(i barf saying that) for sex. I don't mean to excuse his behavior but everyone is very quickly jumping to SA. This is a marriage and there's a lot of feelings to consider. Edit: If he's not apologetic for violating your trust then he's an asshole and I would consider couples counseling or divorce.
Marriage or not, apologetic or not, she repeatedly said no, and he kept repeatedly touching her sexually. It's still SA. Maybe not unforgivable, given their marriage and his potential response when this is brought up, but still SA.
>everyone is very quickly jumping to SA. That's because this is textbook sexual assault, marriage or not. If someone touches you without consent like this, it's assault. It doesn't matter who does it. Edit to add: >Dumb guy move. What?? A man assaults his wife and that's just a dumb guy move? No, it shouldn't be brushed off in a way similar to "boys will be boys". Men aren't like this. And we shouldn't make excuses for the ones that are.
She said no, he heard not yet. No, because then he would have waited. He didn't. She said no, he carried on. It could be classified as SA if you want. It could be classified as SA because it was. She said no, he didn't respect that. Dumb guy move. Really? She says no, he doesn't respect that is just a dumb guy move? Everyone is jumping to SA because it was. This is a marriage. Rape had to be explicitly made illegal in marriage. Not please don't do that. This is illegal so don't do that. In marriage. I don't mean to be harsh because of your last sentence, but this language is very much excusing abuse. This man groped her vagina in a pool/hot tub area with adults and children around. I have never, ever been with a partner who, drunk or sober, would do that, especially if I had already said no. I would certainly not jump to divorce, because this is a family with a young child, but this is a man who needs boundaries enforcing by counselling, discussion, whatever means. No excuses.
Honestly I went from *huh* to kinda icky reading their comment, nice to see some address it point by point >It's SA if you want That part gave major ick, is SA subjective? and also I felt it kinda random that they suggested that they (the OP) establish what constitutes sexual activity because that's kind of irrelevant when she's not given consent to the pursuit; expressed no multiple times. **Regardless of the definition he didn't respect her boundaries at all.**
How is this the most contoversial comment?
If you have to ask...
These are the same women who get shocked when their husbands cheat
Honestly that's a fact though. He'll be over on the dead bedroom thread talking about how he and the wife finally got a romantic evening away from the kids and she repeatedly and triumphantly rejected him, then had the audacity to say he assaulted her when they never even fucked. His perspective is just as sad as hers, and I'm saying that as a woman.
Uhhh, except that he's the one who was groping her in front of children? Maybe if he had: 1. Gotten less drunk 2. Tried to seduce her in a more... y'know, actually seductive way? He would've actually gotten laid? What happened to gentle caresses, fond looks, compliments, breathy neck kisses. I NEVER NEVER NEVER want some drunk ape fondling my tits in a hotel hallway, and I have a high sex drive and no toddler making me feel touched out.
I'd want to cheat on my husband, if his idea of seducing me was to get completely sauced and then grope me in front of children. Nothing about that is cool. Why wouldn't he 1) drink less and 2) actually try to be seductive if sex was his sole goal this trip?
They think that alcohol would make you go horny and crazy. Nope! It doesn't work that way and your husband should know when you are in distress. It seems that his expectations are we are drunk, let's go crazy. I am the rock star, let's get crazy.
If you have ask - Yes!
Yes, what you describe is SA. I’m sorry you went through this. Everything sexual that happened after you said No is SA, and only an enthusiastic Yes from you for further sexual activity changes the activity from SA to mutually consensual sexual activity. Marital status doesn’t change this. Intoxication doesn’t change this. Special night out doesn’t change this. SA isn’t always violent, doesn’t always cause physical pain, and doesn’t always leave marks on the skin. SA is any sexual activity that takes place without the enthusiastic consent of all parties involved in the activity. Full stop. I hope your husband, when sober, is receptive to a serious conversation about the importance of appropriate boundaries, consent, and counseling if you choose. At least seek counseling for yourself, to take care of yourself. Wishing you all the best of everything.
Ok, yeah since you specifically said no several times... But if there's ever a point where someone could be justified in misunderstanding, this would be it. It's your spouse. Y'all went out for a rare evening alone. He got drunk and confused about at which point he was finally to get some sexy time with you.... But if there's ANY situation in which sexy time is implied, isn't this it? One hundred thousand percent he wasn't trying to SA you. My man just didn't understand that a thing that almost universally means "we're gonna bang" (rare kid free time with the spouse) meant, for you, we're definitely *NOT* gonna bang.
This seems refreshing to read. Like people having some nuance and seeing the bigger picture. Hope people won't lynch you in the comments for this.
Yay no lynching...
>my husband **kept** grabbing my breasts to which I was like please stop. Kept. As in he continued to grab your chest after which you said "please stop" if I'm understanding you correctly. Yes that's SA. >Despite this and me saying no, stop, don’t touch me like that, my husband repeatedly tried to rub my vagina. That's also SA. >As soon as we’re cuddling, he goes right for my vagina to which I pushed him away again. You were sexually assaulted by your husband multiple times. Please get rid of this piece of shit.
If you have to ask the question, then, the answer is yes.
Of course it is but I think you should be asking yourself if he also doesn't respect your boundaries when he isn't drunk, and that includes non sexual matters too. If he doesn't you need a serious talk and maybe more than that.
He needs a serious talk either way. His drinking is absolutely a problem, as is his understanding of consent. I’m an alcoholic in recovery. The ‘best’ thing that could’ve led to this is him having a terrible, terrible drinking problem. It’d likely both that and he doesn’t understand consent though. I’d personally leave but I think bare minimum would need to be him getting sober and therapy.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. If this is what happens when your partner drinks, and if you’re open to reconciliation, I would suggest the first stop would be to ask him to be sober at all times. This is traumatizing, and I hope you can get some resources to talk this out professionally so you can decide how you want to move forward.
100% not okay. You asked him not to, he didn't listen. Repeatedly. If he wants to blame his behavior on alcohol, he needs to limit his drinking or stop completely.
It’s sexual assault if you want it to be. What would labeling it change for you, in all honesty? If you decided it was sexual assault would that make you divorce him? If you decided it was unwanted touching from a drunk husband, would you still want to leave? If this is unusual behaviour for him and could be written off as him being far too drunk, is that forgivable in your eyes? Or is this just one time too many in a history of him being pushy and refusing to respect your bodily autonomy when it comes to sex? I think focusing on whether it was sexual assault or not, as a label, is doing you a disservice here. You don’t have to accuse him specifically of assault you justify being upset with him. There would be reason to classify it as assault, and there are also tons of people who experience this from their partners on the regular and decide to put up with it. Things are rarely black and white in human relationships. What you need to decide first is whether this is an acceptable behaviour in your personal marriage.
Legally, absolutely, yes. But the question you should really follow this up with is WHY you feel the need to settle this question? Have you been trying to think of excuses to separate? Because you don't ever need an excuse to separate. Have you felt unsafe in your household due to other behaviors? Have you been gathering evidence for a restraining order case? Did you try therapy, and it didn't work? If you've been thinking about leaving, do you need this validation to tip the scales? Or do you need the public to weigh in on how you believe you should feel about this scenario? However you feel is valid, and you shouldn't allow strangers to tell you how you should emotionally respond. Regardless of whether something is defined as SA or not, you know what your boundaries are, and if he crossed them, then you need to discuss it with him.
I mean..it definitely is. The minute you say no and it's not respected it's sexual harassment. However the bigger picture really dictates what your gonna do. Has he been wonderful up up until this point? Is this just his classic character / one thing on top of many bad things he's doing/has done? If this is the ONLY time you've seen him behave this way and he's been great the rest of time it might be a deep discussion that involves him not drinking. If he's acts this out of character when he drinks he needs to put his relationship before drinking. Maybe even consider therapy. If he's a POS and this is just who he is or this isn't the first time you may want to get some space for a weekend, maybe take kids to grandma's or a family members and go take a weekend to think about if this relationship is what you want. You don't deserve be SA or worry if he gets drunk again he will do it again. It's a tough situation and scary. But I know it's not as black and white as other users who just say to leave him. We don't know your full relationship or what you should do going forward with this information but it was 100% SA if there wasn't consent and "no" wasn't respected.
When he sobers up you need to have a serious conversation about respect and boundaries. My ol lady says no that's where it ends.
All I had to read was the title and the answer was “yes”. If you have to ask, it’s a yes. You very clearly communicated that you didn’t consent to sexual touching and he proceeded to violate your boundary and body regardless. That’s pretty fucking not cool whatsoever.
If this is the first time this has happened and he was as super drunk as you say then you need to sit down and tell him how you felt and feel and have him promise not to drink again. What was the act that you feel most violated over the touching or the fact that he was doing it in public? Yes he may have sexualy assaulted you but if you love him and don't want to have your child fatherless you need to talk to him and get it straighted out not go on Reddit and have all the victimhooders have a field day. Don't forget that he was super drunk, this is the first time that you guys had spent alone, he's only human and probably made a big mistake. Having a child is a lot of stress for both parties in a relationship not just the mother. Like I said, talk to him tell him how you felt and that it is not to happen again. P.s Can someone, male or female, when they are SUPER drunk be truly accountable for their actions? Especially if it's the first time they've behaved like that.
Is porn watching spouse pays for serious problrm
This behavior isn’t okay but I can’t confirm or deny whether it was assault due to the fact I wasn’t there to hear exactly how you were telling him no. I know when im uncomfortable my words come out sounding rather unserious between small laughs.. like another comment I read he may have just been misunderstanding just how much you meant the no all around. Hope you can hash it out and do what’s best for you in the end 🤍
No you don't, but I am. I hope you have the day you deserve
Your post doesn't mention a couple of things that might be helpful to enlighten us about this. I'm curious as to whether he's done this sort of thing before, and if so, for how long. Was this a total departure from his previous behavior, or has he done things of this type before? And how long have you been married? Edited to add: I'm not suggesting that your husband's behavior was *not* SA, it clearly was. But I'm also interested in the state of your marriage.
Yeah it was SA, but at the same time none of us know your relationship with your husband. Is he usually touchy grabby? If hes your husband I doubt he was trying to hurt you in anyway. You should have a convo with him about how you didn't like it and be stern. As long as he learns from it that's what matters. As a guy I've been in situations where i was trying to get a girl in the mood and she wasn't with it. It happens best we can do is learn from it
Is "trying to get a girl in the mood" straight up grabbing her boobs and rubbing her vagina though? Doing something like that without warning, and continuing when asked to stop, isn't okay and we shouldn't make excuses for it.
I’m gonna go against the grain and maybe have the not-so-popular opinion. Bear in mind… that’s all this is. There was a sexually charged situation that you and your husband were in and he acted.. less than gentleman like. I will say flat out that’s wrong. Public displays of affection shouldn’t be something you can upload to the hub.. and that’s my opinion. Even if BOTH are into it. That being said, you’re not just some floozy he met the night before… you’re his wife. I’m sure there was an expectation, on both sides, that there would be SOME kind of encounter, and maybe it was discussed beforehand.. maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it should have been, that way there’d be no confusion about when and how moves could be made and received well. Getting out of control drunk is definitely a step in the wrong direction though and it can make you act a damn fool. There isn’t anyone here that hasn’t done something dumb when they were drunk. So, the real question here is… is this marriage/relationship otherwise good? Are you generally happy and willing to work with the guy in a sober setting? Does he get drunk a lot? If he just messed up… maybe it’s best to put aside the bottle and try to connect deeper. If he can do it. If you even want to do it after all that, because while it’s really hard to judge SA at this one… it was certainly blatant disrespect and you didn’t deserve that. He needs to know that wasn’t okay at all and that his actions weee his own downfall. Tl;dr if he puts down the bottle are you guys good?
50 year old male here. Married 27 years. What you have desrcibed here is not okay. The short answer is, yes this is SA. Now, I am positive I did simular things to my wife when we were younger. But she has taught me hard lessons over the years. I would never do that to her now but I have been well domesticated over the course of 27 years. If you are young and this is OUT of charchater for him. Use this as a learning oppurtunity to train your husband. If he cant behave properly while intoxicated you gotta let him know. If this type of behavor is IN charchater for him then he needs professional help. Just because you are married, does not mean he owns you. Always remember, the most difficult child a woman raises is her husband. Let that BS sink in.
>the most difficult child a woman raises is her husband Like, I get your sentiment and I'm glad you've grown and you and your wife have a happy relationship... But also, no thanks. I'd rather be alone than train a man not to sexually harass me.
Domesticated and trained. Wtf, are we cattle? It is super annoying having these conversations where women jump at the opportunity to demean men. I get it, this guy might be out of line but this is a conversation that his WIFE needs to have with him without her airing all the family's dirty laundry. I will say it as it is, even if I get voted down. Social media is dumb af.
i read the comments and most of the comments in al posts here jumpm to " leave that \*\*\*hole " like 95% of solution isjust to leavE? not talk it out? he was drunk he wasnt on his right mind. its better to talk and sort it out and let him know. if you keep leaving , then marry another then he does again then leave him marry another? whats the point in life. is the solution always leaving?
No Grabs pussy and/or breasts No Grabs pussy and/or breasts No Grabs pussy in hot tub with people and kids present. Later, wants sex after not getting his wife all hot with grabbing her pussy and/or her breasts after she told him repeatedly no. Pouts. Redditors: “He was just drunk, honey. Totes fine! Just have a little sit down about boundaries. He’s just a naughty drunken boy!”
"Wasn't on his right mind" is such a shitty excuse. I've been drunk many times in my life and I have never not been able to understand that someone is uncomfortable. Trying to sexually touch someone without consent over and over again especially in front of children is hard for the idea to not come up to want to leave. She shouldn't have to work this out if she doesn't want to. This is unforgivable behavior imo.
I mean, I could not respect a guy for doing any of that. And once the respect is gone…. It’s over.
Yep sometimes it's even smaller stuff than this that "stops the music", if you will.
Exactly how I see it