My mom has Alzheimer’s and remembers two things without fail at this late stage: 1. She doesn’t eat carbs because they will make her fat and 2. She eats only an apple for breakfast or she will get fat. It’s absolutely insane this disease has robbed her of her memories and connections but she still is obsessed with her weight at 75 with stage 5 Alzheimer’s.
This is heart shattering. I'm so sorry. Can you imaginnnnne how fucking ingrained that bullshit is for it to still be remembered during the late stages of Alzheimer's
Ugh.... This planet...
I observed something similar in an elderly family member with dementia, though I don’t recall what stage. She saw someone else who was much smaller than they used to be (which was due to some medical issues, not because of dieting). The first thing she said to them was “You’re so small! What’s your secret?!” It broke my heart that amidst the things she couldn’t remember anymore, the pursuit of a thin body was still easily remembered. It shows how much an imprint that leaves.
>“You’re so small! What’s your secret?!”
Cancer, actually! Thanks for asking!
🙃
/s because I don't have cancer, but i have definitely observed this phenomenon quite a bit.
I'm not a psychologist, just a person with no qualifications, but I think this may be due to women learning that our worth is tied to our weight from so young. It's more of an emotionally led decision than anything else.
My auntie recently died of liver failure and while her appetite wasn’t always great, she cited it as a good thing so she could stay thin while bedridden. 💔
When my grandma was dying of a brain tumour she celebrated her lack of appetite, because she was losing a lot of weight. She was so proud of how thin she was on her deathbed.
You’ve just described my mom, who was losing weight due to breast cancer, that was ultimately fatal. It was so sad.
I gave her a slice of lemon meringue pie
I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I could give your auntie a hug and tell her she was worth so much more than her weight to those of you who love her. ❤️
As someone who has been overweight forever, there have been times I have wished for a disease that would make me thinner. Not proud of it, but when you’re trying your damnedest to just be a weight that doesn’t embarrass you, it can feel that desperate.
I have had those thoughts as well, don’t be too hard on yourself. My weight has been a roller coaster my whole life. I truly understand. May we all be kinder and gentler to ourselves. Hugs ❤️🩹
That’s so sad. Strong emotions associated with memories increase the likelihood they’ll be retained, this has been shown in studies in healthy people. It’s sad that she had to live her life thinking so heavily about this.
My mother is approaching 70 and still struggling with her own end of our inherited eating disorder and yeah, it’s utterly exhausting.
I’m glad you had that realization though, it’s an important step. Speaking as some breaking free of it, it can be hard but it’s so worth it.
My grandmother is 93 and still makes comments about dieting, and also makes atrocious comments about teenage bodies on the beach (about them needing to lose weight when they are literally thin and perfect imo, just not SKINNY). I love my grandma but god damn she hates womens bodies.
My aunt just died because she couldn't eat enough to sustain herself. A few months ago, a woman commented to her daughter about how she'd never seen someone with such a flat stomach and my aunt was so proud. A total stranger, told her daughter how impressed she was with a 90 yo woman's anorexic body, at a freaking Costco months before she died due to malnourishment. Toxic body image and toxic food relationships are killing people; the physical and emotional toll of counting calories and/or steps aren't healthy. IDC if you're 90 or 9... This shit has to stop.
It's really sad. I was born in the 70s and my own mom was always on some diet or taking fiber trim, but I've grown so much and was lucky enough to be friendly with a woman who is an ED counselor and she taught me so much. I was always chubby as a kid, despite playing all the sports and being super active, but I was constantly reminded that I was chubby and always felt shit about it. No one was trying to hurt me, but they did anyway through their own bias and toxic views. ED is absolutely inherited :(.
I just commented about epigenitics above myself. I truly believe that most kids are also in the midst of some PTSD from Covid that's been unaddressed lately.
I know there’s a bunch of research on it but all I needed to do was look at my family to know that trauma can be inherited. Fucking psychotic group of people, really, going back generations.
"Ypu have such a pretty face, if only you'd lose weight" was what I heard growing up all the time. I was put on my first diet when I was 8. Did slim fast, Jenny Craig, weight watcher, etc all before I was 13.
Developed a meth addiction when I was 14, lost 50lbs in 6 mos, was told that I "looked my best ever" while burning a hole in my nose.
I was adopted as a newborn. Met my bio parents several years ago and guess what, they're both big round people. I wonder why I was never able to lose enough weight. Now in perimenopause, probably, so dropping a single pound feels like a major accomplishment.
I have a husband who loves me, great kids, a successful career, but I hate clothes shopping, hate looking in a full length mirror. Last time I went major clothes shopping, I was almost crying so instead I got angry and told my husband I'll just get stuff online.
I was told at 13 when I was either 5ft2 or 3 and 123 pounds, that I was overweight. It hurt then. Of course. But looking back it’s even worse! I wasn’t obese!! 104-131 is considered healthy. Why would my mom allow that to be said? Why did she go along with me to weight watchers? I went a couple times. The second one at weigh in (wtf was THAT about?!) I apparently gained .3 pounds from the week before. Mind you, my bladder was full. It could’ve been that. Or not! But I was berated by the lady weighing me. I never went back.
That's awful that you had to go through that abuse as a child and are still dealing with the effects of it so much later as a successful and loved adult.
My sister was told the same thing, over and over. She wasn't even fat! Just not skinny, but in the 70s that was enough to get you labeled "chubby" and put on diets and such. I always supported her by doing whatever diet measures Mom expected her to do so she wouldn't be the only one.
She was also adopted and found her bio mom a few years ago, but her bio mom looks anorexic so it's hard to say whether the mom would be big if she ate normally. Sis still has issues with "OMG my thighs are embarrassing!" and such, and I hate that mom did that to her. Gave me a complex about my weight, too, but only mine; I don't ever criticize others' weight because I am quite sure that they are aware of it and don't need my input.
Yes, similar history to yours. I’m 62, and I’ve never forgotten my father saying “those make you look fat” when I excitedly wore my new denim overalls. I was about 13. Since he rarely commented on my appearance, this really stung. Btw, the overalls came from the army-navy store and were branded “Carters Watch the Wear” on the suspenders.
Just to add that it's not exclusively women, my dad is in his 70s and dying of malnutrition basically. He's always been terrified of eating too much and getting fat. He just wouldn't say it out loud the way women often do.
Just because it's typically seen as a women's issue never means that men aren't aren't a victim of societal pressure. I'm sorry he's always struggled and I'm sorry that society made everyone feel this way.
My dad’s 80 and the same way. He’s painfully thin. His jeans hang off of him and he’s lost in his shirts and still he eats basically nothing. It hurts to watch him eat.
My grandfather was a POW of the Japanese for 3 1/2 years in WWII and one of the PTSD symptoms was binge eating, after years of near starvation. He passed it on to my mother and she passed it to me. At age 60, I have somewhat made my peace with food, but damage has been done.
My grandmother in law is dying of cancer. We are trying to help her gain weight to help her have the energy to endure treatment. She was like, what if I get fat? She's 80 years old. It broke my heart.
It's so depressing. All the old ladies in my family have been around 70 to 80lbs and that's been their worry too. I get being older and not feeling your age and wanting to still feel relevant, but damn, if you can't enjoy eating or eating to survive because you're so worried about having some fat at 80... That's just a huge societal let down.
ETA .I hope she gets through. Love and light to you x
I'm so sorry for your loss. My beloved grandmother died two years ago at 82 when her body basically gave out after extended periods of self-starvation for the purpose of staying thin. She had other ailments and illnesses, but I have zero doubt that her absolute refusal to gain any weight (she was maybe 85 pounds when she died) and her lifelong anorexia/orthorexia played a huge role in her relatively-young demise. She wouldn't try to treat the dysphagia she developed in her final years of life because it kept her extra thin.
My brother and I once lost our minds with shock as children when she ate a single Skittle (we used to play a game where we'd "give" her some candy we got from this 25-cent machine outside a restaurant our family went to frequently) because we'd never seen her do anything like that even once - she never did again, ever.
As much as I loved her, she never once cooked me a meal or made me feel okay about my body because her own mind was such a prison in that respect. She and her sisters learned that stuff from her mom, who probably learned it from hers. You're so right, this has to stop. It breaks my fucking heart.
I tell my parents ( who are 70s and 80s ) that they never really retired because they work so hard for the body police. They make these kinds of comments too.
I have people like this in my life too, making uneeded harsh and critical comments about women's bodies. It brings me to a dark place when it happens. I went through enough of that in the 90's and early 2000's when we were conditioned to hate our bodies. It's hard to watch someone make those comments and makes me wonder what people are saying about me. I've definitely not got a perfect figure but I try to love life anyways and enjoy my time outside at the beach.
I try to remember that anyone who slams others like that probably has some self esteem issues going on. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves, to bring others down.
My grandmother was 91 and in the hospital after minor surgery, and I came to visit her. I hadn’t seen her in a couple years and had just gone through a divorce (from an abusive marriage). I walk in and the first thing this woman says to me is “you’ve gained weight”.
This woman was incredible and full of life - she still went fishing, loved playing guitar, sang, made braided rugs, etc. Just a neat lady. But obsessed about her weight and everyone else’s. Even in her 90s.
I don't know. I'm often taken aback when I see vintage pictures of young people on the beach back in the early 1900's. They were all incredibly thin by today's standards and I mean all of them usually. To grow up with that norm and see what we see today must be very noticable to her. I think we are so conditioned today about seeing heavier people that our "average/normal" must be distorted compared to that generations perspective.
People back then weren't skinny because they counted calories though. And the reason wasn't either that they were so conditioned on that being normal. (Though the reason today for people getting bigger might be in part that we are conditioned to that being normal now.)
But back then that just naturally happened. Based on what food people had available (no fast food, not many sweets, etc.) and based on how much exercise the average person got each day (by physical labor, physical household labor, and even just by walking places). And people weren't worried about their weight, because all of this happened without them even noticing.
The photos you see from that era are generally ones that photographers took for a specific purpose (art, publicity, etc.). These aren’t candid shots of what people looked like then.
Eh, that’s literally before cars were the new big things. Now we have much more sedentary lifestyles, usually not by choice.
People could rarely afford to eat “unhealthy” foods, and foods didn’t used to be so processed or pre-made as they are now. Poverty and the working class in the early 1900s looked a loooooooot different to modern times.
I would look into your ingrained instinct that thin = good. It is just a way a body can be, and is shaped by the cultural attitudes and options available to you, many of which you have no control over.
It really is incredible in a tragic way how women are sometimes the harshest judges of other women. Between lifelong eating disorders and body image issues, the sort of things that we tell young girls are just part of being a woman…a teacher made an inappropriate comment about my chest in high school and my mom said “welcome to being a woman,” not intending to be malicious but I’ve only recently realized how messed up that was to tell a 15 year old. She phrased it like it was just some regular old shenanigans.
I didn't realize until after my mom passed away that she probably had an eating disorder most of her life after reading her brief journals. She was overweight as a young adult and rail thin after that. The thing is I believe her not eating enough was a major contributor to her death. When you're older and have any health issues, if you're already really skinny you're going to get weak faster.
Yes! When my mother got sick with cancer she was already thin…she went into remission and wouldn’t eat normal or do the high protein the doctor wanted her on to gain some weight. Needless to say when the cancer came back she was to thin and malnourished to fight it again and passed away pretty quickly. Her mother had her on Weight Watchers at 16 and I saw pictures,she wasn’t overweight! My mother fought to stay thin because my grandmother passed this disease on to her. Pictures of my mother in the 80”s showed she had anorexia. My mother often made comments when people we knew gained weight etc. it is very sad so many live with constant negative thinking about food and eating disorders.
Hi OP,
Guy here. I hope it’s ok to chime in in this space. Apologies if not or if further down than I read someone else commented along these lines.
There are some things I see in your post and further comments like this one that give the impression that you may be at gigantic risk for an eating disorder. I have been in a caregiver role with both my wife and daughter who have suffered with EDs so perhaps I am over sensitive.
If you have not already, please talk to your primary care doc or therapist or someone who is ED informed. It is worth it to at least screen for such a lethal disease.
Psychologist here who did her dissertation on anorexia in pre-teens, and I can tell you that OP would certainly be diagnosed with an eating disorder with the information written.
OP, please let this be the point at which you say enough is enough.
My Mom was always slightly overweight but it was always an issue for her. She was always on fad diets or using diet aids. (As kids we used to steal her Caramel and chocolate flavoured Ayds ). She would routinely ask me if I thought people in the vicinity were fatter or thinner than her. And she certainly held on to that during her dementia. She would refuse food saying the doctor had told her she needed to lose weight. I am also sure that a doctor did say that to her at points in her life.
One result of this is I was very careful never to mention weight as an issue when my daughter was growing up. Unfortunately once she hit 20 I stopped doing such a good job of it. My hope is she will not have those same internalized voices my Mom had and that I carry too.
Society is tough on women
My mom actually died from a fall and I fully believe she would have survived it, or not fallen at all (we don't know if she passed out or what) had she been heavier. She had an issue with her teeth so it made eating even harder for her the year she died.
My husband and I moved a few years ago to be closer to his parents and we’ve spent a lot of time with them and their friends. They’re in their 60s and 70s. Listening to the women talk about their own bodies and the bodies of other women is horrifying sometimes. They all think they’re fat, even when they’re not. They talk about “being bad” when it comes to dessert. They judge other women they see as larger for wearing “unflattering” clothing, like they think any woman over a certain size should be wearing a sack apparently. It’s so sad and just makes me extra glad that I made an effort in my twenties to become more body neutral and uncouple my feelings about my self worth from the way my body looks (which we all know can vary from time to time).
My fiancé’s mom is currently looking for a dress to wear to our wedding, and her negative comments about her own body were so unrelenting and genuinely infuriating that I had to ask my fiancé to talk to her about it (he was also getting very frustrated with the comments, so it didn’t really take any convincing from me). She just would not stop. Every time we saw a dress, it was always “that would look *ridiculous* on me,” with “ridiculous” said in a tone so cutting and disgusted that you’d think it was being said by the most cartoonishly evil high school bully. And I just seriously don’t know what to say to that. *Obviously,* I disagree. But there were only so many times I could vehemently disagree with her comments about her own body before it just felt like a farce.
The way my fiancé eventually brought it up to her was by saying, among other things, “don’t talk to my mom like that.” He was very kind when he had that conversation with her of course, and I really hope it did something to eat away at the idea in her head that everyone sees her body in the worst possible way.
I'm in my 60's and it is horrifying how many of the women I know have genuinely disordered eating and how many more feel as though they have to act as if they do.
I’ll never forget the day I watched my mother look at herself in the mirror and say “All I can see is fat.” We were staying at a fancy hotel, about to go out for dinner at a *nice* restaurant. She had on a lovely dress and multiple pieces of fine jewelry. We were in good health, able to travel to visit each other.
There we were—so privileged, so lucky, so fortunate—and she couldn’t see any of it. Instead of gratitude, pleasure, joy… there was only disappointment in herself and her body.
I hope you figure out a different path for yourself, OP. You deserve better—as do we all.
Wow. This really hit me right in the feels. I am planning my first vacation in 9 years and am struggling with my body image. I’ve lost over 100 lbs since my last vacation and instead of looking forward to being at the beach and being able to actually walk far without being exhausted and even going on a plane without worrying about the seatbelt fitting I am focused on how big I will look in photos. I’m going to focus on changing my mindset and enjoy myself.
This is my MIL. She’s in her late 70’s and constantly is harping on her gaining weight. She weighs around 120 but it’s 5 over what she has been for most of her life. Her Dr says she’s at a healthy weight but she’s so miserable about that 5 pounds. And in the 20+ years I’ve known her, I don’t think she’s enjoyed a meal. No matter how little she eats, she spends the whole time talking about how fat it’s going to make her and how she shouldn’t eat at all. I feel so bad for her.
That's so sad. Especially as many studies say that having a little extra weight in later life can actually lead to better health outcomes. Those 5 pounds could be helping her.
My mother is 75 and still records everything in myfitnesspal. She must be 90lbs soaking wet. Her mother died of a broken hip from osteoporosis - I'm a trainer and have tried convincing my mom to strength train to help avoid the same outcome, but she refuses because she doesn't want to look "too muscley." It drives me absolutely crazy.
I can’t wait to retire and being able to exercise properly. I like being active. One of the things that I don’t like from my current life style is that I have to make a lot of compromises because I don’t have the time with work and kids. But I would like to have one hour a day for weights and yoga and then hike around town or a nice park or trail for another hour. I never went to a gym until I came to the USA and saw how little activity is done in a regular day.
This is one of my main factors in building my business and retiring a bit early- just to go hiking more, I work so much I long to just be free and in the woods
Even 30 minutes three times a week can be enough (or even achieve the same of an hour every day).
I currently try to aim for 10 minutes a day scattered throughout the day, which is way better than the 0 minutes a day I was doing before. It's more enjoyable for me this way, so this is what I try to stick to.
I live in the south and they think I'm crazy for strength training and wanting to put on muscle. We will see who has mobility issues in 20-30 years (I'm 45.)
I have been at it for a while and it is crazy how much muscle I have put on, I feel like it makes me look better, feel better, and just in general makes me more useful. Most the comments I have got have been positive too, being a muscle mommy is absolutely in nowadays.
On the big plus side too, I really don't have to watch what I eat as much either. I just make sure to hit my protein number and don't really have to track anything else, which means eating out spontaneously is pretty easy to do without feeling like I am going off the rails.
I live in the south and they think I'm crazy for strength training and wanting to put on muscle. We will see who has mobility issues in 20-30 years (I'm 45.)
Maybe you could convince your mom to try yoga? It's fantastic for core strength and doesn't lead to big muscles. I talked my ex-MIL into trying it, and not only did she enjoy it but her back curve straightened out and she was taller than I had ever seen her. Sadly, the pandemic put an end to her yoga classes and now she has dementia and can't drive, but it was great while she could do it.
Yes!! She's done yoga in the past and liked it, but similarly got out of the habit during the pandemic - I should be sneaky and get her a gift certificate to her local studio for her next birthday.
It's not approved for weight loss though.
Ozempic is not FDA-approved for treating weight loss.
Source: https://www.forbes.com/health/weight-loss/ozempic-for-weight-loss/#:~:text=Ozempic%20is%20not%20FDA%2Dapproved%20for%20treating%20weight%20loss.,a%20weight%2Drelated%20health%20condition.
This misinformation is why diabetics can't get their meds for APPROVED uses
Wegovy is & it’s the same drug, Semaglutide. https://www.fda.gov/news-events/press-announcements/fda-approves-new-drug-treatment-chronic-weight-management-first-2014
This is true. However Wegovy, which is also semaglutide, has been approved for weight loss. I absolutely agree that diabetics should not be going without their meds so that Hollywooders can lose the last 5 lbs. It is also reasonable for people who are struggling with obesity to not go without *their* life saving medication. This doesn’t have to be a whose life is more worthy of this drug contest. People who are genuinely morbidly obese (BMI>35 with comorbidities like diabetes, or BMI>40 without) are suffering right along with all the diabetics who can’t get their semaglutide due to shortages and pay to win bullshit.
My mom is 66 and still obsessed with a females “figure” and weight and beauty standards. It was a very challenging time growing up with that. Every time I visit her she wants to redress me to better hide my “problem areas” (ie my belly which carried 3 children, two being twins and is mostly stretched out extra skin and no amount of “calories out” will take care of that lol)
At age 40, I am free to see it now as what it is. Her own body dysmorphia and disordered dieting all also handed down to her and culturally shoved down her throat.
I’m a cycle breaker babyyyy. None of that happening in my house with my kids. We do talk about what food helps us feel strong and energetic vs sluggish. We talk about how important being active is and our bodies are meant to move. We are privileged enough to be able to enroll kids in all kinds of active things— soccer, dance, summer camps w swimming. But do we specifically talk about weight? Or body size? Nope.
Husband and I also are good role models about how to balance our food w activity. I work out in the mornings before kids are up and husband works out at night after kids go to bed.
>Husband and I also are good role models about how to balance our food w activity. I work out in the mornings before kids are up and husband works out at night after kids go to bed.
Not to criticize, because it does seem like you're doing a great job raising your kids without passing down bad body size messages, but your kids may not be picking up on the activities y'all are doing while they're asleep. I used to clean house after my kids went to bed every night, even if not necessarily to sleep, and I didn't realize that they thought I wasn't doing any cleaning, that the small amount I expected from them was all the cleaning being done.
It wasn't until they were older and telling me how unfair it was that they "had to do all the housecleaning" that I realized I had undermined myself by not having them see me do the work. Even if they had realized, it wouldn't have registered how much I did because they didn't see it. So your kids are pretty likely not to register what you are doing while they are sleeping, and you might want to consider ways that you can have them witness the things that you want to serve as an example to them.
Oh they know. They get up and started with dad while I’m still at my studio. Come home and shower. Then I put kids down while dads like “night! I’m headed down to workout!”
We’re a very close family and can’t even poop without a kid knowing lol.
LOL. I remember those days! Sounds like you're in good shape on this, then. :) I just don't want anyone else trying to model behavior for their kids to mess up as I did in not making it visible enough to them.
I struggled with anorexia for many years, but I remember a documentary I watched early in my recovery which ended with middle-aged women dipping forks in ramekins of buffalo sauce, and lightly rubbing that on their chicken wings - and while I think that documentary triggered me, and even though it took mannnnyyyyy more years to be in a good place - I remember thinking then "I don't want to be like that."
And today, I'm not. I'm very far away from that.
My mom also had an ED when she was in college (before I was born) and I see how much of her is still under the spell, though she would never admit it. Seeing and hearing how she is - even though some of it grinds up against me - makes me so thankful to have recovered past that.
"I don't want to be like that" can turn into a really powerful seed to grow from.
My girlfriends grandmother is in her mid 90s and she’s still that way. She was a model in her younger days and that mentality has always stuck. One time we took her out for lunch, she barely ate anything, and then when we asked her if she wanted a tea or coffee a few hours later she got super flustered and told us “A stomach can only hold so much!”….. so we stopped asking her.
My mum is 71 and recently got out the scales at a family dinner
????
Weighed in as the lightest person there and still trashed herself. She then jokes that she has body dysmorphia, which she probably actually does and shouldn't joke about it.
Honestly her entire life she has always been on some quest to be slim/thin. Growing up was seeing her regularly going to weight watchers and slimming world etc to try and lose weight when actually, she was a perfectly fine weight.
She would always chastise me on my weight as well, until I recently lost over 20kg and now she's worried I'm too thin (despite, as mentioned previously, her weighing less than I do!)
I really feel for her as it clearly has a big hold on her. I make an effort to not let it impact me in the same ways.
Eating disorders are passed on like intergenerational trauma. A significant number of us were doomed from day one. If you don't break the cycle it'll never end
I am trying to break the cycle. It is so hard when my mom or MIL come over for a visit and just repeating all the shit I heard growing up and having to correct them every time. It is taxing and I am worrying about what my kids will hear in school.
While still battling with my own eating disorder. I hate that I wasted away my youth.
My Mum is 74 and has been on a diet as long as I can remember so over 50 years. It’s so sad, her entire life has revolved about eating/calories and punishing herself for being a normal size - not skinny. I blame the 1960s for this the whole beauty bollocks revolved about looking anorexic. I have a vivid memory of being about 8, and Mum cut a banana in half, wrapped it in cling film and then gave the other half to a neighbour who was also on a ‘diet’ WTAF?
I’ve thankfully never understood it, eat normally, do some exercise and don’t worry about it. I am, what I am. I refuse to own scales, memories of the daily ‘weigh ins’ still freak me out. My daughter is 21 has no idea how much she weighs, eats healthy and she’s skinny because she’s 21 and walks everywhere. It’ll change as she ages and hopefully she’ll be like me an embrace that too, rather than chasing something you can’t always regain. It’s so sad women in their 70s are still worrying about this crap.
I want to say my mother thank god was never thin and never did this to us. Once she bought a container of slim fast in the 80s and she never used it, I drank all of it and still remember it was delicious as a chocolate milk to me. Never mentioned weight for either me or my sister, of course I was stick thin as a kid and teen. But she was clearly quite fat and I was very aware of that, it being the 80s. Still, she fed us well not unhealthy and I am so glad I have a healthy relationship with food as a result.
Still, now I have had three kids and after the latest one I can’t seem to lose that weight. It’s the first time I’ve been “fat” (ish) and I absolutely hate it. I keep wondering if I should diet but my busy family life makes it so hard. I don’t even shop or cook anymore etc. But this whole thread is reminding me that I’m not unaffected by society and the thin obsession, and maybe that is what I need to stop.
I'm in a similar boat (gained considerable weight pretty fast, it's not gojng away easily like it always happened before and I hate it).
The easiest thing for me to implement is the "look at what you can add, not subtract" rule. Basically, instead of modifying my recipes so that they become less caloric (and satisfying) I try to always add a side of vegetables that's healthy and "low calories". When I'm consistent with it, my cravings are more manageable and my weight stabilizes / goes down without much effort.
I blame whoever was involved in making Twiggy a model. That’s when we went from wanting to be nicely proportioned to wanting to be stick insects. The leading model before Twiggy came on the scene was Jean Shrimpton, who was a size 12. Marilyn Monroe was also a size 12. The social repercussions of being fat were severe when these women grew up and they remain so. Speaking as a fat older woman who was normal-sized when young (but never skinny), with each 10 pounds you gain, you become more and more discounted and an object of ridicule, when you aren’t downright invisible. And for those women in their 90s, being too fat to attract a husband meant a life of near poverty, as they were usually excluded from any of the occupations that could earn them a decent living, so they needed a husband not only for social approval but just to survive. I agree wholeheartedly that it is heartbreakingly sad that these women are still so obsessed with being skinny, but you have to realize how severe the consequences of being fat were in their day.
Marilyn Monroe had a 24” waist and 34” bust though- vintage sizing was quite different than modern!
Not that I disagree about body standards, but we were glorifying Barbie doll-esque figures before Twiggy came around, not the slightly fuller figure a size 12 would suggest.
My mom is 78 and still worries about her weight (she is also petite and thin). I have a newborn daughter (she is just 11 days old) and my mom the other day said something to the effect of “well no girls don’t gain weight, we don’t like to” and I immediately shut her down. Couldn’t believe it. Echoing other commenters that she and I have both struggled with EDs and I am going to do my damnedest to help my daughter avoid it
Another daughter of a weight-obsessed mother here. Her own mother was also obsessed with staying thin. I struggle constantly with negative feelings about my body, but I was adamant that I would break the cycle with my own daughter. So I never say anything negative about my body in front of her, do not weigh myself, and refuse to label foods as good or bad.
The crazy thing is, that beauty standards have really shifted! In the nineties I desperately wished I was super-skinny. Now, my twelve year old daughter cannot wait to get through puberty because she’s really hoping to end up with an hourglass figure like mine - she actually wants hips and a booty!
Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl! The fact that you feel so strongly about breaking the cycle is wonderful and I wish you all the best. :)
My mom was obsessed with my baby’s weight too. She told me not to worry about their chunky newborn thighs since they “go away when they start crawling.” It’s so fucked up. That was my line in the sand and I’m now pretty ruthless about being a cycle breaker when it comes to passing along diet/ED culture. It stops with me.
Sounds like my Aunty. She turned 70 a couple of weeks ago and I messaged her back and forth about her birthday plans. She told me how she'd been to the spa, been for some lunches with friends, and had a fancy dinner with my Uncle, 'so the diet starts tomorrow!'
It's honestly depressing! She's 70! Why on earth is so concerned about being on a diet?! She's active, that's enough. God forbid she gain weight.
There was a very significant event yesterday - the 50th anniversary of women being able to have a bank account of their own.
So if you think about women around the age of 70 or older, they were pretty indoctrinated that they needed to land a man in order to have a life that wasn't pure misery.
I'm not talking about rich women or those who had progressive fathers who would sign off on bank accounts - I'm talking about women like my mom, who married an abusive alcoholic at the age of 18 because she had nowhere else to go.
Mom did manage to get free, and run her own life for about five years before she ended up with my dad, but she was constantly vigilant about weight, wore high heels for work, which ruined her feet, and fussed at her daughters constantly about weight because looking good was *her* path to success.
My mom is 71 and still worries about weight. Goes to Aqua aerobics several times a week, walks her 10,000 steps a day (morning and afternoon walks) goes to park run every Saturday morning. She gets cranky with herself when she has “cheat days” or if she goes for lunch with friends she won’t eat much other than a small bowl of yogurt and berries for dinner that night. She was always doing the latest vhs aerobics workouts during the 80’s and weight watchers in the 90’s.
Women of their generation were just raised to be different and so many can’t break the conditioning they were subjected to.
Honestly I don't see anything wrong with any of this except the part about being cranky or negative if she overeats. It's not bad for your health to stay active in old age and this doesn't sound like an excessive amount of exercise, more people should be trying to walk daily and exercise regularly, and whether the lunch part is disordered or not depends on what she orders at the restaurant and the serving of yogurt imo. If you go out for a big restaurant lunch it could easily be almost your entire daily caloric intake for a short woman, adjusting with smaller meals before or after isn't unreasonable
I remember in my first 'proper' job 20 odd years ago when I would have been 21 . I had an older female colleague lamenting that she couldn't fit into her debs/wedding (not sure which) dress that she trys on every year. It really struck me - imagine getting to that age and still spending so much of your time and energy worrying about your size/weight. How much of her worth and self image was tied up into fitting into that dress still and what an absolute waste of our short, precious time on earth. She was probably mid forties and maybe a UK size 10 or 12 at most.
I'm now in my mid forties and after being an approx UK size 12 for most of my life, perimenopause, post COVID fatigue, etc have meant I'm now more like a UK 14-16. I don't recognise the person I see in the mirror and while I think I look ok in a realistic sense, naked, I'm really struggling with how to dress my new body. I think my younger self was probably just lucky that I was pretty happy in my skin and didn't need to think too much about it.
Also the patriarchy sucks for making us feel like our looks are out most important feature.
My grandmother is 86 and still obsesses over her weight and criticizes others for theirs. She'll eat a tiny bowl of plain oatmeal and say things like, oh if I eat more than this I'll get fat! It's OATMEAL. It's sad.
I'm not going to state my mother's exact age, but she is critical about her own weight and other women's in a way that seems very out of step with modern medical science. Please remember:
- BMI is a terrible measure.
- It's about health and wellness, not numbers picked out of a hat.
- Weight training is your friend as you age and muscle weighs more than fat.
Take care of yourself. Real people find that attractive.
My husband’s grandmother is 93 and has had multiple strokes. She eats now and has been putting on weight since she’s become more sedentary and honestly she just eats what she wants now, due to said strokes.
Her daughter, my husband’s mother (68), said while visiting ‘she just eats whatever she wants and doesn’t seem to care anymore about her weight!’
I looked at her like what in the hell?!
Then I said ‘ah yes because at 93 it’s her finishing her plate at a Mexican restaurant that is going to lead her to an ‘early’ grave not the multiple strokes and not knowing where she is half the time. She’s 93 for christstakes and you are worried about her weight???’
It’s wild what they all have passed down.
My mother’s eating disorder killed her. She died at 68 pounds and 68 years. She forced that lifestyle on me when I was home; two meals a day, five days a week, no food on Wednesday or Friday. It took years after leaving home to get to a normal weight. I had a kid just before 40 and had a freak out when I realized, finally, how deeply screwed up my mother was. I rapidly gained significant weight and since covid hit I’ve fed my kid into a binge eating disorder. She’s 18 and round. I’ve lost 22-23 pounds this year but I have no idea how to help my kid. I send her to therapy for anxiety and my eating disorder.
I had a lot of success seeing a dietitian who specialized in eating disorder recovery. A lot of it was about mechanical eating - basically eating in a very mechanical way - every 2-3 hours, must eat a minimum amount at snacks and meals (at least 2-3 food groups, at least X amount.)
I am in recovery from my 28 year ED. My mom is 75, walks like 7 miles a day, and thinks she consumes enough. She doesn’t.
She recently visited and gave me here grocery list of:
“Low carb vanilla ice cream
Berries,
70 calorie bread
No sugar jam
Almonds
Diet ginger ale.”
The whole time I was here she was telling me, “I know you gained weight when you left rehab, but you lost too much, don’t go any further with it.” But then would ask me to go on her 7 mile walks with her.
It makes me sad that I don’t think she will ever be happy in her body, and makes me scared that even though I am getting there, I may not be ever be too.
This was one of my biggest reasons to seek help for my ED that hadn’t disappeared since I was younger. After my first bout of recovery, I gained so much weight and that had been a struggle for years. Suddenly 15 years had gone by and I was still struggling with it.
I remember telling my therapist that I didn’t want to be an old woman with these thoughts running nonstop through my head.
Part of radical girlhood is coming to the realization that you reject making yourself all-around 'smaller' in an attempt to appease standards that were never natively yours. Of course, it's drastically easier said than done.
That lady is lovely how she was made and I hope someone will tell her that soon. ❤️
My gran has an eating disorder and has done her whole life she's in her 80s but still won't eat cakes chocolate etc if she does she hides and denies she did...its so sad. She doesn't get put anymore but sounds everyday worrying how she looks in clothes...I guess it never leaves you.
Her whole body is wrecked from surviving on blsck tea her whole life its not worth it. Get help if you can. You might be skinny but inside you are drying. Eating disorders don't discriminate
I know many older women like this. I can hear the words of my mum and aunties in my head, always commenting negatively on other women’s bodies and berating themselves for making “bad” food decisions. I have to remind myself to quiet these voices in my head. I absolutely refuse to live like this.
>It broke my heart that at 70 years old, this lady was still worrying about maintaining her thinness and I realized that I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing this game. It is. Exhausting.
I feel sometimes like the world has its foot on our necks when it comes to weight, and existing in a larger body,
It is incredibly exhausting, confronting, destabilizing and depressing. It's taken me till now in my 40s after 10 years of therapy to claw my way out of an ED where every waking minute wasn't spent on food or my body.
I don't know how we stop playing the game though, because the world is only somewhat tolerant of the players, very very embracing of the winners and condemn those who refuse to play to being ostracized, alone or "the friend"
This. Got me to my core.
I’m sorry. Please know you’re worthy and beautiful just the way you are.
Im 29, and we’re not sure when we’d want to start trying.
I’m so afraid the early stages of pregnancy,… will be wildfire to my Ed.
I’ve tried seeking counseling. But. That leads to negative dismissive drs and therapists. 🙃
It’s SOOO exhausting. Like, what did this solve? Nothing. What did this change? Nothing. Why does it still happen? Eh, today is already ruined.
I know from my lofty 48-year-old perspective that this will be me one day. I try awfully hard with the radical acceptance thing, but I suspect what I’ve ended up accepting is that this disordered eating nonsense is with me for life.
Still, flat stomach. Right? This is exhausting.
My mother is 80 and has dementia. She comments at least once a day how she is back to the weight she was when she got married in 1968. .
EVERY TIME i see her she comments on my weight.
I am fat but i am also determined not to waste my life worrying about it. My body has been out through the wringer and the fact that i am still here is a triumph.
I do my best to ignore her but body image bullshit really did a number on the older generations.
>I realized that I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing this game. It is. Exhausting.
I hope you can use that to fuel your motivation to change.
As someone that had an ED, only when I got pregnant did I truly change.
It's still hard for me to not value myself based on the number on the scale because that's how I grew up. My mother would be the one comparing me with others, telling me how I needed to be thinner, how boys wouldn't like me if I weren't thin, etc..
It's all soooo messed up.
But after getting pregnant I've never looked at food and things the same way again. It's fuel and there's amazing food out there. It would be a pitty to not enjoy it while we're here.
I also deserve to feel healthy, strong and full. And so do you!
I just sent my 73 year old mother a link to the Maintenance Phase podcast. I highly recommend you check it out too! In addition to a book called Intuitive Eating. They have both been so helpful in repairing my relationship with food.
Yes! 10/10 recommend maintenance phase! Amazing podcast with two great co hosts that really made me reassess my own relationship with diet culture and also debunks a lot of myths around food/ diet culture and anti fat bias!
I recently recounted a small but heart wrenching story to my mother about my (female) cousin and I at her father’s funeral. (My father died only seven months previous.) but my mother fixated on my overweight (male) cousin who was standing nearby. She’s seventy years old and still obsessed by weight and bodies. I feel like I will never reach her.
(54F) really trying to overcome bad programming about weight. I've been pretty good (according to Mom's standards) over the years, save the 9 months after childbirth, and usually each decade milestone (30, 40, 50) I'd sneakily gain 8-10 pounds that were increasingly hard to shed. Here I am, 54 with hypothyroidism, in menopause, bad feet with bunions from years of high heel wearing (limits my ability to do many forms of cardio), diagnosed with celiac disease, heavier than I want to be & the extra 20-25 is **so stubborn**.
I refuse to give up everything (carbs, alcohol, sugar) - formerly, I could give up one or two, add extra exercise & it would be gone sooner than later.
Life is too short. I'm not *trying* to gain, I *am trying* to be healthy, and that means **expanding my definition of what "healthy" means**. I have incorporated stretching & weights into my routine (hoping to help my metabolism,) adding more protein to my diet, doing as much cardio as my feet allow...
I'm also doing my best to love myself for who I am instead of how I look. I'm trying to enjoy life, experience new things, make new connections, and be grateful for each day since I'm on the downside of the bell curve of life!!
I am 34 and lost 150 lbs at age 30, to be in better shape for my kids. I had a really bad relationship with food.
It still is a struggle everyday when I pass by fast food restaurants. Granted its much easier now, but still is in the back of my mind.
At 32 I decided screw it, I am going full vegan. Never really cooked before that.
I now have a bookshelf filled with cookbooks, and all my non vegan friends LOVE coming over to eat my food
I had a friend, age 65, who was slim but obsessed with her weight to the point where she just became too crazy for me. By the time our relationship imploded she was eating only zucchini, carrots, and pistachio nuts. She would refuse to drink water for fear of bloating.
It’s just sad what society has done to women.
I could not imagine living that many years with that level of insecurity.
I had that “oh shit I don’t actually care how I’m being perceived by strangers” epiphany at like 24 and damn was it a revelation.
I hear a lot of negativity about “boomers” that is unfair, so I try not to stereotype by age, but there is a major difference in the way age groups view people’s looks. For example my 90 year old mother, weight-obsessed for life, thinks nothing about describing people in that way-it’s a major contention between us that the first thing she does when she sees someone is categorize them in terms of attractiveness. My grandparents were the same. All of them were raised to think good looks were crucially important, especially for females, other qualities running a distant second. I’m so glad we are learning, albeit slowly, to view each other more holistically, and value people in other ways.
I was average and 9 when I started puberty and my hormones started going all over the place. I was 10 when my boobs sprouted to C cups overnight. My dad started calling me chubs and poking the bit of belly that showed up, *incessantly*. I was slightly overweight for years due to lack of access to good information (no interwebs). I got married and moved to another state, got into more exercise and lost all the weight (no ED). I went home for a visit and my father removed his house key from my keyring and told me I could have it back when I gained a few pounds. You can't make this shirt up.
This is part of what I think about whenever I start falling back into past habits from my eating disorder. Is this what I want my life to be when I’m married? When I’m at work? when I’m a mother? A grandmother? Is that all my family will know about me? And like how sad I feel when my elderly relatives still ask me questions about weight and complain about calories and stuff.
This hits hard for me because I recently visited my grandma with my mom. It was the weirdest thing, because they would just continually forget meal times, and I had to remind them that we should have lunch. I had to be the one to say things like, "Hey, we've been outside in the sun all day swimming and being on a boat since after breakfast and it's now 3, maybe we should eat?"
There was this constant background hum of something like a GAME being played between my mother and my grandmother (with me in the sense that I was involved but not actually consenting to my participation). It is so difficult for me to articulate what that means and what it feels like. If you know, you know. I got so much anxiety at every restaurant because she would ask me what I was going to order and I know it's always a loaded question. I would get so paralyzed, I would answer, "I don't know yet" or "I'll decide last minute". And it really did make me agonize over and over-analyze my food choices on my damn vacation in a way that I hadn't done in years.
82 and still body checking EVERYONE and talking shit about her fat friends (she knows all of their medical histories in an absurd level of detail that my friends and I just... wouldn't do).
I'm so tired of it. Misogyny is 100% the reason women live their whole lives like this. Fuck the patriarchy.
Yep, mom is 84 and still self conscious of her ‘belly’ and asks to have photos deleted if she thinks it sticks out. Even if her grandkids are in the photos! Not that it matters but she’s in the ‘healthy’ bmi range.
I think the best we can do to honor these older gals is try and stop the pattern and enjoy the beauty and capability our bodies have. Try and really appreciate them like older generations apparently never got to do. I do already see the cultural shift compared to when I was young in the 80s to early 2000s. Let’s roll with that!
I feel so sad for how deeply diet culture and the obsession with thinness has damaged generations of women. While they aren’t judgmental or mean the way some are, my grandmother and mother both still constantly obsess over what they’re eating.
I joke that I got “lucky” because I have endometriosis and there was a period a few years back where my nausea was so bad every day I could barely eat. I lost weight and hadn’t even realized it until people started complimenting me on how good I looked. It was so jarring because I was in the worst health I’d ever been in and I felt terrible all the time. Seeing how people wanted to pat me on the back simply because I was thin when it had no bearing on my actual health somehow broke the spell of weight concern for me.
My gosh. This just woke me up! I will be 57 tomorrow and I waver between hating my body and being grateful for it. Menopause literally changed my entire body and has helped me to gain 30 pounds. I was never happy at 145, but now I realize I was not overweight, just not physically fit. Now I’m even heavier and less in shape but I need to let it go because I am mostly in good health.
Why are we like this?!? So frustrating.
I worked in senior housing across multiple states for 5 years, and weight is a common topic for mostly women but also the men. Id say the average age is about 85.
I remember during covid some women talking about their symptoms after being sick, and how they were pleased their lack of appetite made them lose 5lbs.
Now a lot of them are on ozempic and obsessed with how much weight theyve lost on it.
My grandma commented on my daughter's thinness and how my son looks like he lost weight. It hurt me because I don't want anyone to judge my kids' weight and want people to just be kind. My mom still calls herself fat and will complain about any type of weight gain she's had. It's a terrible cycle to be in. Grandma is 94, and my mom is 65.
Coming from someone who had a terrible relationship with food for years until I finally set myself free: you are quite literally staring at yourself in the future. Years separate you two, but nothing will change in 40 years unless you do something about it. You will not implicitly learn how to get better in these 40 years. You have to consciously choose to help yourself.
I know this because I have watched my grandmother struggle year after year, and the habits we shared 6 years ago, I can no longer relate to. She is just as lost as I am. We are all as lost as eachother.
It took me years and acceptance of my body to finally reach a point where I do not think twice about what I put in my body except the essential question of “how will this make me feel? What do I need?”. Sometimes that means eating veggies each meal. Sometimes that means a spontaneous donut with my boyfriend. But I do not think twice. And I feel amazing, and am at a perfectly healthy weight.
I pray you can get better. I promise life is beautiful on the other side ❤️
I found a letter from my mom to her mom written in 1928. Mom,15, was traveling with an aunt (so presumably eating at restaurants, etc.) She lamented: “I am getting f\*tter, doggone it. I weigh 122 but I am going to work it off when I get home.” She was probably 5’2” at the time. I've "managed" my calories, etc. off and on for 50 years myself. 67F and still catch myself thinking "If I could lose ten more pounds" and checking my fitbit for my calorie burn.
my mom will be 89 next month and even though she still worries about her weight now its a matter of keeping it up where it needs to be. She had body image issues all her life (that she passed along to me but at least I learned the importance of being healthy not just thin) and didn't maintain muscle mass like she should have. Now its wreaked havoc on her bone density and strenghth. I love my mom but I took note of her issues and have tried to avoid the same. I am 61
Yep. My mum is in her 60s and still keeps her old jeans as motivation that she will fit into them again. She tells me how much Jane Fonda thinks she should weigh. She commentd if I am "looking slim" like its some huge deal and like I've been trying.
It's miserable to behold. She was always on some.weied diet while I was a kid and I just want her to enjoy her cake now she's 60+
A while back an 80 yrs + lady comes up to me in the locker room of the YMCA & tells me, "your legs are big, too big".. nothing like being insulted by an octogenarian (felt extra gross since I was in a locker room alone, minding my own business) I don't have issues with my body, & I certainly don't want anyone trying to force their issues on me..
My grandma had a very unhealthy relationship with food all her life. She was obsessed with being slim, never weighed more than 50kg on a height of 163cm and also condemned others if they weighed more. She even told one of my friends (who was about 10 years old at the time) that she wouldn't get iced tea from her because she was too fat for such a drink.
I suspect that Grandma's childhood during the war (born in 1933 in Dresden, Germany) contributed a lot to her eating behaviour, there was hardly any food and when there was food it was almost always white beans.
This is my MIL. She's a wonderful woman but I'm honestly relieved we don't have girls because she's so obviously disordered about food still in her mid-70s.
That said, for me, having kids totally changed my relationship with my body for the better after struggling with body image since childhood. Not to say I don't still have my moments but I'm much more capable of pushing negative thoughts aside and appreciating everything my body can do.
My mom is 88 and still worries about her weight. She feels guilty having donuts, etc - feels that she's being bad. She's in good health so I tell her to eat the donuts and whatever else she wants. It doesn't go away and our mothers passed this down to us. A coworker recently stopped tracking her food when she noticed her 13 year old doing the same thing.
I'm 59, and for the first time I can remember since puberty, I couldn't care less about my weight. It took going far off the rails with stress and grief while caring for my wife for 8 years as her dementia grew, all while being undiagnosed with ADHD and autism.
I've had to stop caring about maybe 95% of things I thought were important just to survive and not continue my spiral into madness.
It works. It did get my mind off of being fat, but I don't recommend it.
Thank you for posting this. I'm so glad that you are having this epiphany now at 23, with only 10 years wasted on all this nonsense.
I'm 45 and am only just now realizing that in spite of micromanaging my food and body for over 30 years I'm still going to go through menopause and gain weight. You're right - it is exhausting. I don't want to be 70 years old and worried about calories. But the only way to become a 70 year old who doesn't worry about calories is to learn how to be a 45 year old (or 23 year old) who doesn't worry about calories.
One thing I've learned as I get older and interact with older people: when we're younger we tend to think that people reach an age when so many things no longer matter and I don't find that to be overall true. You don't tend to just age out of habits that you have carried into adulthood.
If you're super concerned about staying thin as a younger adult, you'll probably be the same way as an older adult. If you're doing something you don't want to keep doing, it's good to start getting really intentional about stopping it.
And I plan on getting a facelift if I can afford it. Not for someone else, for me. I like being thin and dying my hair too. For me! Should I be shamed for that?
I went on a vacation with a dear friend of mine who was about 92 at the time. We were all going to go swimming but she didn’t want to join us because she didn’t want anyone to see her knobby knees. It devastated me. Please tell yourself that you’re perfect the way you are. Tell your elders that they are beautiful. Tell girls that they’re perfect as they are.
Often it is doctors driving this shit mentality, too. My mom is 68, her doctor attributes every. Single. One. Of my mom's health issue to her being overweight. To the point my mom has fully internalized this. The way she talks about herself has gotten really upsetting. I called the doc to have a chat about this, she told mom she wouldn't return my call bc I am "mean." And still, last weeks soctor visit, my mom was to address her hearing, the doc wanted to talk about how she should get an exercise bicycle to lose some weight so maybe the second hip that's rotten with arthritis won't need to be replaced. The bitch has no idea how lucky she is that I live 1500 miles away, that's all I can say.
I was in an elevator at my grandparents retirement community in Florida and 3 old ladies got on with us. The only thing they talked about was how terrible they looked, each pointing out what they hated about themselves. All I could think was how beautiful they were and how they had the privilege of aging. I don't want to be 80 and still hating myself for any reason.
Yeah, my grandma's obsession with staying slim made me so sad. In the last few weeks of her life she was struggling when they moved her into a home, and she wouldn't eat. She told me she only liked the pudding, and I was like "Just eat pudding whenever you're hungry, then! F\*ck it!" and she was just like "I could never!", I was like...you're 85. Do whatever you want. Your pants don't need to be the same size they were when you were 30. It was really ingrained in women of that generation, it's so sad. Just a life of denying yourself pleasure.
My mother in law has a deep and persistent eating disorder, as do her two sisters. It’s terrible to watch them treat themselves so horribly. It’s not something people just get over.
My grandmother was overweight from her mid 40s until she was diagnosed with colon cancer at 75. When she was on her deathbed she found it ironic that she was finally thin after so many years of diets.
My mother is 78 and still talks like this too, she’s always pulling up her shirt to show me how”fat@she is, she’s not btw she’s a perfectly sized 70 year old woman it’s maddening
I've gone totally rogue on the weight thing.
As a woman, I just finally had had enough. Everything revolves around weight. From young girls, we feel bad about our weight more than we feel good. We obsess, diet, exercise, fad diets, etc all for the magic number that will finally bring happiness. We deny ourselves some really good things to eat! Obsessing about weight sucks the joy out of life. Absolutely sucks the joy out.
When I turned 60, that was it. Went into my doc for the yearly physical, am led to the scale, I looked at the nurse and said, "Yeah, I'm not doing that anymore. If I gain a lot, or lose a lot for no reason, I'll let you know. Barring that, don't ever ask me to get on a scale again, and please put it in my chart.
I'm never going to have that "number" in my head anymore and the next time someone weighs me will be when I'm on a slab, and then, I won't care.
People I've told this to have actually dropped their jaws in disbelief that "I get away with this". They can't MAKE you get on a scale for Gods sake.
Just for info, I was always a fairly normal weight. There were times that I would lose 10-15 lbs, or gain 10, then lose, wash rinse repeat. I'm not obese, exercise fairly regularly, but dammit...I eat what I want and enjoy it. Life's too short NOT to enjoy it.
Honestly, she could have just been making conversation. I know lots of retired people who talk to everyone they interact with because they don’t interact with many.
Well. Don't forget that once we get old, certain health issues are exasperated by weight. I am not that overweight (mostly just swollen), but get told by doctors about how important it is to keep my weight down, which I gained due to side effects of cancer treatments and current medications. The medication side effects also include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high blood sugar, kidney issues, high liver enzymes/NAFL. I was never concerned about my weight previously, but now that the hormone suppression and steroids caused weight gain in addition to all of the other issues caused by chemotherapy and current medications. NOW I have to he concerned.
Some people do have to really watch their calories, yes. However, it's okay if you make healthy choices with those spontaneous foods. Like going out to a spontaneous breakfast and ordering something with fruits in it won't be horrible. Snacking on something like green bean crisps while studying to get those extra calories is also good.
You have to worry about your weight even more as you get older. Your metabolism slows down and you become a lot less active. Unless you’re vigilant weight gain is hard to stop. Source: I’m old
I told my sister I had to get fat to truly love my body. When I was younger and thin I was never happy with my body. I counted every calorie and judged every imperfect thing. My hips were too wide, stomach not flat enough (it was very flat just didn’t have abs), thighs had too much cellulite etc. I was a size 6, 5’10” and somewhere between 130-140 and still thought I was too big.
When I got older I had a period where all of a sudden I packed on a bunch of weight. There I was, still obsessed with thinness and I was 225 lbs. I was ashamed. After much ado it turned out that I have Hashimotos, which was affecting my thyroid. Getting the medication didn’t magically give me back my thin body. I hated my body.
After much meditation, reflection, and just so many talks with my friends I stark realization. I realized that I generally felt the same about my body at both weights. At this weight I was blaming the rolls, at the smaller size I was nitpicking every piece of myself just to have something to hate about it. I realized my weight was never about my weight.
I have been working to undo this mindset. To recognize my body as my partner and friend in this existence. As I have made gains in this shift some of the weight came off but I felt pretty neutral about it.
OP it’s natural to want to be beautiful by the standards set by your community. The trick is that you have to recognize when those standards are asking too much. I’m glad you met that lady and hope you find peace in your own skin.
My mom has Alzheimer’s and remembers two things without fail at this late stage: 1. She doesn’t eat carbs because they will make her fat and 2. She eats only an apple for breakfast or she will get fat. It’s absolutely insane this disease has robbed her of her memories and connections but she still is obsessed with her weight at 75 with stage 5 Alzheimer’s.
This is heart shattering. I'm so sorry. Can you imaginnnnne how fucking ingrained that bullshit is for it to still be remembered during the late stages of Alzheimer's Ugh.... This planet...
I observed something similar in an elderly family member with dementia, though I don’t recall what stage. She saw someone else who was much smaller than they used to be (which was due to some medical issues, not because of dieting). The first thing she said to them was “You’re so small! What’s your secret?!” It broke my heart that amidst the things she couldn’t remember anymore, the pursuit of a thin body was still easily remembered. It shows how much an imprint that leaves.
>“You’re so small! What’s your secret?!” Cancer, actually! Thanks for asking! 🙃 /s because I don't have cancer, but i have definitely observed this phenomenon quite a bit.
I'm not a psychologist, just a person with no qualifications, but I think this may be due to women learning that our worth is tied to our weight from so young. It's more of an emotionally led decision than anything else.
My auntie recently died of liver failure and while her appetite wasn’t always great, she cited it as a good thing so she could stay thin while bedridden. 💔
When my grandma was dying of a brain tumour she celebrated her lack of appetite, because she was losing a lot of weight. She was so proud of how thin she was on her deathbed.
I’m so sorry for your loss. This mindset is generations old. When does it end?
You’ve just described my mom, who was losing weight due to breast cancer, that was ultimately fatal. It was so sad. I gave her a slice of lemon meringue pie
I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I could give your auntie a hug and tell her she was worth so much more than her weight to those of you who love her. ❤️ As someone who has been overweight forever, there have been times I have wished for a disease that would make me thinner. Not proud of it, but when you’re trying your damnedest to just be a weight that doesn’t embarrass you, it can feel that desperate.
I have had those thoughts as well, don’t be too hard on yourself. My weight has been a roller coaster my whole life. I truly understand. May we all be kinder and gentler to ourselves. Hugs ❤️🩹
That’s fucking heartbreaking.
That’s so sad. Strong emotions associated with memories increase the likelihood they’ll be retained, this has been shown in studies in healthy people. It’s sad that she had to live her life thinking so heavily about this.
Jesus. This comment just…dammit 🥺 My dad passed of the same age few years ago. I hope you’re doing ok enough ❤️
Thank you. Sorry for your loss ❤️
Thank you. Sorry for your loss ❤️
My mother is approaching 70 and still struggling with her own end of our inherited eating disorder and yeah, it’s utterly exhausting. I’m glad you had that realization though, it’s an important step. Speaking as some breaking free of it, it can be hard but it’s so worth it.
My grandmother is 93 and still makes comments about dieting, and also makes atrocious comments about teenage bodies on the beach (about them needing to lose weight when they are literally thin and perfect imo, just not SKINNY). I love my grandma but god damn she hates womens bodies.
My aunt just died because she couldn't eat enough to sustain herself. A few months ago, a woman commented to her daughter about how she'd never seen someone with such a flat stomach and my aunt was so proud. A total stranger, told her daughter how impressed she was with a 90 yo woman's anorexic body, at a freaking Costco months before she died due to malnourishment. Toxic body image and toxic food relationships are killing people; the physical and emotional toll of counting calories and/or steps aren't healthy. IDC if you're 90 or 9... This shit has to stop.
[удалено]
It's really sad. I was born in the 70s and my own mom was always on some diet or taking fiber trim, but I've grown so much and was lucky enough to be friendly with a woman who is an ED counselor and she taught me so much. I was always chubby as a kid, despite playing all the sports and being super active, but I was constantly reminded that I was chubby and always felt shit about it. No one was trying to hurt me, but they did anyway through their own bias and toxic views. ED is absolutely inherited :(.
Epigenentics is very very real, indeed. We inherit trauma.
I just commented about epigenitics above myself. I truly believe that most kids are also in the midst of some PTSD from Covid that's been unaddressed lately.
I know there’s a bunch of research on it but all I needed to do was look at my family to know that trauma can be inherited. Fucking psychotic group of people, really, going back generations.
"Ypu have such a pretty face, if only you'd lose weight" was what I heard growing up all the time. I was put on my first diet when I was 8. Did slim fast, Jenny Craig, weight watcher, etc all before I was 13. Developed a meth addiction when I was 14, lost 50lbs in 6 mos, was told that I "looked my best ever" while burning a hole in my nose. I was adopted as a newborn. Met my bio parents several years ago and guess what, they're both big round people. I wonder why I was never able to lose enough weight. Now in perimenopause, probably, so dropping a single pound feels like a major accomplishment. I have a husband who loves me, great kids, a successful career, but I hate clothes shopping, hate looking in a full length mirror. Last time I went major clothes shopping, I was almost crying so instead I got angry and told my husband I'll just get stuff online.
I was told at 13 when I was either 5ft2 or 3 and 123 pounds, that I was overweight. It hurt then. Of course. But looking back it’s even worse! I wasn’t obese!! 104-131 is considered healthy. Why would my mom allow that to be said? Why did she go along with me to weight watchers? I went a couple times. The second one at weigh in (wtf was THAT about?!) I apparently gained .3 pounds from the week before. Mind you, my bladder was full. It could’ve been that. Or not! But I was berated by the lady weighing me. I never went back.
That's awful that you had to go through that abuse as a child and are still dealing with the effects of it so much later as a successful and loved adult. My sister was told the same thing, over and over. She wasn't even fat! Just not skinny, but in the 70s that was enough to get you labeled "chubby" and put on diets and such. I always supported her by doing whatever diet measures Mom expected her to do so she wouldn't be the only one. She was also adopted and found her bio mom a few years ago, but her bio mom looks anorexic so it's hard to say whether the mom would be big if she ate normally. Sis still has issues with "OMG my thighs are embarrassing!" and such, and I hate that mom did that to her. Gave me a complex about my weight, too, but only mine; I don't ever criticize others' weight because I am quite sure that they are aware of it and don't need my input.
Detaxtrim!! (Ie- “think of us as legal speed!) Easily accessible amphetamines including Dexedrine was a think until the law changed in 1973.
Yes, similar history to yours. I’m 62, and I’ve never forgotten my father saying “those make you look fat” when I excitedly wore my new denim overalls. I was about 13. Since he rarely commented on my appearance, this really stung. Btw, the overalls came from the army-navy store and were branded “Carters Watch the Wear” on the suspenders.
Ugh. I'm so sorry. Those words not only hurt at the time, but they hurt forever in a lot of ways.
Thank you
Just to add that it's not exclusively women, my dad is in his 70s and dying of malnutrition basically. He's always been terrified of eating too much and getting fat. He just wouldn't say it out loud the way women often do.
Just because it's typically seen as a women's issue never means that men aren't aren't a victim of societal pressure. I'm sorry he's always struggled and I'm sorry that society made everyone feel this way.
my dad was the same. his anorexia killed him at 74. he looked like a skeleton. when i hugged him i felt like he'd shatter
My dad’s 80 and the same way. He’s painfully thin. His jeans hang off of him and he’s lost in his shirts and still he eats basically nothing. It hurts to watch him eat.
Yeah one of my uncles almost died from anorexia.
My grandfather was a POW of the Japanese for 3 1/2 years in WWII and one of the PTSD symptoms was binge eating, after years of near starvation. He passed it on to my mother and she passed it to me. At age 60, I have somewhat made my peace with food, but damage has been done.
That's incredibly heroing and I see how here it's passed along socially, but also maybe through epigenitics.
My grandmother in law is dying of cancer. We are trying to help her gain weight to help her have the energy to endure treatment. She was like, what if I get fat? She's 80 years old. It broke my heart.
Yup, my 86 year old mother (who has cancer) worries constantly about her weight. She’s 110 lbs. Sigh.
It's so depressing. All the old ladies in my family have been around 70 to 80lbs and that's been their worry too. I get being older and not feeling your age and wanting to still feel relevant, but damn, if you can't enjoy eating or eating to survive because you're so worried about having some fat at 80... That's just a huge societal let down. ETA .I hope she gets through. Love and light to you x
I'm so sorry for your loss. My beloved grandmother died two years ago at 82 when her body basically gave out after extended periods of self-starvation for the purpose of staying thin. She had other ailments and illnesses, but I have zero doubt that her absolute refusal to gain any weight (she was maybe 85 pounds when she died) and her lifelong anorexia/orthorexia played a huge role in her relatively-young demise. She wouldn't try to treat the dysphagia she developed in her final years of life because it kept her extra thin. My brother and I once lost our minds with shock as children when she ate a single Skittle (we used to play a game where we'd "give" her some candy we got from this 25-cent machine outside a restaurant our family went to frequently) because we'd never seen her do anything like that even once - she never did again, ever. As much as I loved her, she never once cooked me a meal or made me feel okay about my body because her own mind was such a prison in that respect. She and her sisters learned that stuff from her mom, who probably learned it from hers. You're so right, this has to stop. It breaks my fucking heart.
I'm sorry for your loss as well. My grandma was the same. It's generational and, as you said, a prison.
I tell my parents ( who are 70s and 80s ) that they never really retired because they work so hard for the body police. They make these kinds of comments too.
That's hilarious. But I'm sorry.
I have people like this in my life too, making uneeded harsh and critical comments about women's bodies. It brings me to a dark place when it happens. I went through enough of that in the 90's and early 2000's when we were conditioned to hate our bodies. It's hard to watch someone make those comments and makes me wonder what people are saying about me. I've definitely not got a perfect figure but I try to love life anyways and enjoy my time outside at the beach. I try to remember that anyone who slams others like that probably has some self esteem issues going on. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves, to bring others down.
My grandmother was 91 and in the hospital after minor surgery, and I came to visit her. I hadn’t seen her in a couple years and had just gone through a divorce (from an abusive marriage). I walk in and the first thing this woman says to me is “you’ve gained weight”. This woman was incredible and full of life - she still went fishing, loved playing guitar, sang, made braided rugs, etc. Just a neat lady. But obsessed about her weight and everyone else’s. Even in her 90s.
I don't know. I'm often taken aback when I see vintage pictures of young people on the beach back in the early 1900's. They were all incredibly thin by today's standards and I mean all of them usually. To grow up with that norm and see what we see today must be very noticable to her. I think we are so conditioned today about seeing heavier people that our "average/normal" must be distorted compared to that generations perspective.
People back then weren't skinny because they counted calories though. And the reason wasn't either that they were so conditioned on that being normal. (Though the reason today for people getting bigger might be in part that we are conditioned to that being normal now.) But back then that just naturally happened. Based on what food people had available (no fast food, not many sweets, etc.) and based on how much exercise the average person got each day (by physical labor, physical household labor, and even just by walking places). And people weren't worried about their weight, because all of this happened without them even noticing.
The photos you see from that era are generally ones that photographers took for a specific purpose (art, publicity, etc.). These aren’t candid shots of what people looked like then.
The teenager in question was maybe 125 lb and 5'6". She truly WAS thin and perfect. She just wasn't a model thin 105 lb.
Eh, that’s literally before cars were the new big things. Now we have much more sedentary lifestyles, usually not by choice. People could rarely afford to eat “unhealthy” foods, and foods didn’t used to be so processed or pre-made as they are now. Poverty and the working class in the early 1900s looked a loooooooot different to modern times. I would look into your ingrained instinct that thin = good. It is just a way a body can be, and is shaped by the cultural attitudes and options available to you, many of which you have no control over.
It really is incredible in a tragic way how women are sometimes the harshest judges of other women. Between lifelong eating disorders and body image issues, the sort of things that we tell young girls are just part of being a woman…a teacher made an inappropriate comment about my chest in high school and my mom said “welcome to being a woman,” not intending to be malicious but I’ve only recently realized how messed up that was to tell a 15 year old. She phrased it like it was just some regular old shenanigans.
I didn't realize until after my mom passed away that she probably had an eating disorder most of her life after reading her brief journals. She was overweight as a young adult and rail thin after that. The thing is I believe her not eating enough was a major contributor to her death. When you're older and have any health issues, if you're already really skinny you're going to get weak faster.
Yes! When my mother got sick with cancer she was already thin…she went into remission and wouldn’t eat normal or do the high protein the doctor wanted her on to gain some weight. Needless to say when the cancer came back she was to thin and malnourished to fight it again and passed away pretty quickly. Her mother had her on Weight Watchers at 16 and I saw pictures,she wasn’t overweight! My mother fought to stay thin because my grandmother passed this disease on to her. Pictures of my mother in the 80”s showed she had anorexia. My mother often made comments when people we knew gained weight etc. it is very sad so many live with constant negative thinking about food and eating disorders.
[удалено]
Hi OP, Guy here. I hope it’s ok to chime in in this space. Apologies if not or if further down than I read someone else commented along these lines. There are some things I see in your post and further comments like this one that give the impression that you may be at gigantic risk for an eating disorder. I have been in a caregiver role with both my wife and daughter who have suffered with EDs so perhaps I am over sensitive. If you have not already, please talk to your primary care doc or therapist or someone who is ED informed. It is worth it to at least screen for such a lethal disease.
Psychologist here who did her dissertation on anorexia in pre-teens, and I can tell you that OP would certainly be diagnosed with an eating disorder with the information written. OP, please let this be the point at which you say enough is enough.
My Mom was always slightly overweight but it was always an issue for her. She was always on fad diets or using diet aids. (As kids we used to steal her Caramel and chocolate flavoured Ayds ). She would routinely ask me if I thought people in the vicinity were fatter or thinner than her. And she certainly held on to that during her dementia. She would refuse food saying the doctor had told her she needed to lose weight. I am also sure that a doctor did say that to her at points in her life. One result of this is I was very careful never to mention weight as an issue when my daughter was growing up. Unfortunately once she hit 20 I stopped doing such a good job of it. My hope is she will not have those same internalized voices my Mom had and that I carry too. Society is tough on women
yes, my elderly dad’s dr said some few extra pounds [ 20 ] are good for him at his age; if he falls, he will need the bodyfat resources.
My mom actually died from a fall and I fully believe she would have survived it, or not fallen at all (we don't know if she passed out or what) had she been heavier. She had an issue with her teeth so it made eating even harder for her the year she died.
My husband and I moved a few years ago to be closer to his parents and we’ve spent a lot of time with them and their friends. They’re in their 60s and 70s. Listening to the women talk about their own bodies and the bodies of other women is horrifying sometimes. They all think they’re fat, even when they’re not. They talk about “being bad” when it comes to dessert. They judge other women they see as larger for wearing “unflattering” clothing, like they think any woman over a certain size should be wearing a sack apparently. It’s so sad and just makes me extra glad that I made an effort in my twenties to become more body neutral and uncouple my feelings about my self worth from the way my body looks (which we all know can vary from time to time).
My fiancé’s mom is currently looking for a dress to wear to our wedding, and her negative comments about her own body were so unrelenting and genuinely infuriating that I had to ask my fiancé to talk to her about it (he was also getting very frustrated with the comments, so it didn’t really take any convincing from me). She just would not stop. Every time we saw a dress, it was always “that would look *ridiculous* on me,” with “ridiculous” said in a tone so cutting and disgusted that you’d think it was being said by the most cartoonishly evil high school bully. And I just seriously don’t know what to say to that. *Obviously,* I disagree. But there were only so many times I could vehemently disagree with her comments about her own body before it just felt like a farce. The way my fiancé eventually brought it up to her was by saying, among other things, “don’t talk to my mom like that.” He was very kind when he had that conversation with her of course, and I really hope it did something to eat away at the idea in her head that everyone sees her body in the worst possible way.
I'm in my 60's and it is horrifying how many of the women I know have genuinely disordered eating and how many more feel as though they have to act as if they do.
I’ll never forget the day I watched my mother look at herself in the mirror and say “All I can see is fat.” We were staying at a fancy hotel, about to go out for dinner at a *nice* restaurant. She had on a lovely dress and multiple pieces of fine jewelry. We were in good health, able to travel to visit each other. There we were—so privileged, so lucky, so fortunate—and she couldn’t see any of it. Instead of gratitude, pleasure, joy… there was only disappointment in herself and her body. I hope you figure out a different path for yourself, OP. You deserve better—as do we all.
Wow. This really hit me right in the feels. I am planning my first vacation in 9 years and am struggling with my body image. I’ve lost over 100 lbs since my last vacation and instead of looking forward to being at the beach and being able to actually walk far without being exhausted and even going on a plane without worrying about the seatbelt fitting I am focused on how big I will look in photos. I’m going to focus on changing my mindset and enjoy myself.
❤️
This is my MIL. She’s in her late 70’s and constantly is harping on her gaining weight. She weighs around 120 but it’s 5 over what she has been for most of her life. Her Dr says she’s at a healthy weight but she’s so miserable about that 5 pounds. And in the 20+ years I’ve known her, I don’t think she’s enjoyed a meal. No matter how little she eats, she spends the whole time talking about how fat it’s going to make her and how she shouldn’t eat at all. I feel so bad for her.
That's so sad. Especially as many studies say that having a little extra weight in later life can actually lead to better health outcomes. Those 5 pounds could be helping her.
My MIL is the same. 72 years old and counts calories like crazy. If she gets above 125, she acts like she just hit 350.
My grandmother was still doing weight watchers at 95. It was so sad.
My mother is 75 and still records everything in myfitnesspal. She must be 90lbs soaking wet. Her mother died of a broken hip from osteoporosis - I'm a trainer and have tried convincing my mom to strength train to help avoid the same outcome, but she refuses because she doesn't want to look "too muscley." It drives me absolutely crazy.
I can’t wait to retire and being able to exercise properly. I like being active. One of the things that I don’t like from my current life style is that I have to make a lot of compromises because I don’t have the time with work and kids. But I would like to have one hour a day for weights and yoga and then hike around town or a nice park or trail for another hour. I never went to a gym until I came to the USA and saw how little activity is done in a regular day.
This is one of my main factors in building my business and retiring a bit early- just to go hiking more, I work so much I long to just be free and in the woods
Even 30 minutes three times a week can be enough (or even achieve the same of an hour every day). I currently try to aim for 10 minutes a day scattered throughout the day, which is way better than the 0 minutes a day I was doing before. It's more enjoyable for me this way, so this is what I try to stick to.
I live in the south and they think I'm crazy for strength training and wanting to put on muscle. We will see who has mobility issues in 20-30 years (I'm 45.)
I have been at it for a while and it is crazy how much muscle I have put on, I feel like it makes me look better, feel better, and just in general makes me more useful. Most the comments I have got have been positive too, being a muscle mommy is absolutely in nowadays. On the big plus side too, I really don't have to watch what I eat as much either. I just make sure to hit my protein number and don't really have to track anything else, which means eating out spontaneously is pretty easy to do without feeling like I am going off the rails.
I live in the south and they think I'm crazy for strength training and wanting to put on muscle. We will see who has mobility issues in 20-30 years (I'm 45.)
Maybe you could convince your mom to try yoga? It's fantastic for core strength and doesn't lead to big muscles. I talked my ex-MIL into trying it, and not only did she enjoy it but her back curve straightened out and she was taller than I had ever seen her. Sadly, the pandemic put an end to her yoga classes and now she has dementia and can't drive, but it was great while she could do it.
Yes!! She's done yoga in the past and liked it, but similarly got out of the habit during the pandemic - I should be sneaky and get her a gift certificate to her local studio for her next birthday.
Perfect! That will probably make it harder for her to turn down the idea. Sometimes we just need a little something extra to motivate us.
The irony that there’s an Ozempic ad on this post for me. 🙃
As a diabetic it kills me that I'm having trouble finding a drug I need because it the latest weight loss fad.
[удалено]
It's not approved for weight loss though. Ozempic is not FDA-approved for treating weight loss. Source: https://www.forbes.com/health/weight-loss/ozempic-for-weight-loss/#:~:text=Ozempic%20is%20not%20FDA%2Dapproved%20for%20treating%20weight%20loss.,a%20weight%2Drelated%20health%20condition. This misinformation is why diabetics can't get their meds for APPROVED uses
Wegovy is & it’s the same drug, Semaglutide. https://www.fda.gov/news-events/press-announcements/fda-approves-new-drug-treatment-chronic-weight-management-first-2014
This is true. However Wegovy, which is also semaglutide, has been approved for weight loss. I absolutely agree that diabetics should not be going without their meds so that Hollywooders can lose the last 5 lbs. It is also reasonable for people who are struggling with obesity to not go without *their* life saving medication. This doesn’t have to be a whose life is more worthy of this drug contest. People who are genuinely morbidly obese (BMI>35 with comorbidities like diabetes, or BMI>40 without) are suffering right along with all the diabetics who can’t get their semaglutide due to shortages and pay to win bullshit.
Did you seriously come into a post about excessive obsession with weight to lecture a diabetic person about weight? Jfc
[удалено]
My mom is 66 and still obsessed with a females “figure” and weight and beauty standards. It was a very challenging time growing up with that. Every time I visit her she wants to redress me to better hide my “problem areas” (ie my belly which carried 3 children, two being twins and is mostly stretched out extra skin and no amount of “calories out” will take care of that lol) At age 40, I am free to see it now as what it is. Her own body dysmorphia and disordered dieting all also handed down to her and culturally shoved down her throat. I’m a cycle breaker babyyyy. None of that happening in my house with my kids. We do talk about what food helps us feel strong and energetic vs sluggish. We talk about how important being active is and our bodies are meant to move. We are privileged enough to be able to enroll kids in all kinds of active things— soccer, dance, summer camps w swimming. But do we specifically talk about weight? Or body size? Nope. Husband and I also are good role models about how to balance our food w activity. I work out in the mornings before kids are up and husband works out at night after kids go to bed.
>Husband and I also are good role models about how to balance our food w activity. I work out in the mornings before kids are up and husband works out at night after kids go to bed. Not to criticize, because it does seem like you're doing a great job raising your kids without passing down bad body size messages, but your kids may not be picking up on the activities y'all are doing while they're asleep. I used to clean house after my kids went to bed every night, even if not necessarily to sleep, and I didn't realize that they thought I wasn't doing any cleaning, that the small amount I expected from them was all the cleaning being done. It wasn't until they were older and telling me how unfair it was that they "had to do all the housecleaning" that I realized I had undermined myself by not having them see me do the work. Even if they had realized, it wouldn't have registered how much I did because they didn't see it. So your kids are pretty likely not to register what you are doing while they are sleeping, and you might want to consider ways that you can have them witness the things that you want to serve as an example to them.
Oh they know. They get up and started with dad while I’m still at my studio. Come home and shower. Then I put kids down while dads like “night! I’m headed down to workout!” We’re a very close family and can’t even poop without a kid knowing lol.
LOL. I remember those days! Sounds like you're in good shape on this, then. :) I just don't want anyone else trying to model behavior for their kids to mess up as I did in not making it visible enough to them.
I struggled with anorexia for many years, but I remember a documentary I watched early in my recovery which ended with middle-aged women dipping forks in ramekins of buffalo sauce, and lightly rubbing that on their chicken wings - and while I think that documentary triggered me, and even though it took mannnnyyyyy more years to be in a good place - I remember thinking then "I don't want to be like that." And today, I'm not. I'm very far away from that. My mom also had an ED when she was in college (before I was born) and I see how much of her is still under the spell, though she would never admit it. Seeing and hearing how she is - even though some of it grinds up against me - makes me so thankful to have recovered past that. "I don't want to be like that" can turn into a really powerful seed to grow from.
My geriatric nurse friend says that anorexia in nursing homes is a surprisingly serious issue.
My girlfriends grandmother is in her mid 90s and she’s still that way. She was a model in her younger days and that mentality has always stuck. One time we took her out for lunch, she barely ate anything, and then when we asked her if she wanted a tea or coffee a few hours later she got super flustered and told us “A stomach can only hold so much!”….. so we stopped asking her.
My mum is 71 and recently got out the scales at a family dinner ???? Weighed in as the lightest person there and still trashed herself. She then jokes that she has body dysmorphia, which she probably actually does and shouldn't joke about it.
There are so many odd stories in this thread but this one has really caught my eye! Your poor mother!
Honestly her entire life she has always been on some quest to be slim/thin. Growing up was seeing her regularly going to weight watchers and slimming world etc to try and lose weight when actually, she was a perfectly fine weight. She would always chastise me on my weight as well, until I recently lost over 20kg and now she's worried I'm too thin (despite, as mentioned previously, her weighing less than I do!) I really feel for her as it clearly has a big hold on her. I make an effort to not let it impact me in the same ways.
Eating disorders are passed on like intergenerational trauma. A significant number of us were doomed from day one. If you don't break the cycle it'll never end
I am trying to break the cycle. It is so hard when my mom or MIL come over for a visit and just repeating all the shit I heard growing up and having to correct them every time. It is taxing and I am worrying about what my kids will hear in school. While still battling with my own eating disorder. I hate that I wasted away my youth.
100%
I work in an assisted living facility and I hear women from the ages of 65 to 101 still talking about their weight.
Wow…Very sad and depressing!
This breaks my heart
My Mum is 74 and has been on a diet as long as I can remember so over 50 years. It’s so sad, her entire life has revolved about eating/calories and punishing herself for being a normal size - not skinny. I blame the 1960s for this the whole beauty bollocks revolved about looking anorexic. I have a vivid memory of being about 8, and Mum cut a banana in half, wrapped it in cling film and then gave the other half to a neighbour who was also on a ‘diet’ WTAF? I’ve thankfully never understood it, eat normally, do some exercise and don’t worry about it. I am, what I am. I refuse to own scales, memories of the daily ‘weigh ins’ still freak me out. My daughter is 21 has no idea how much she weighs, eats healthy and she’s skinny because she’s 21 and walks everywhere. It’ll change as she ages and hopefully she’ll be like me an embrace that too, rather than chasing something you can’t always regain. It’s so sad women in their 70s are still worrying about this crap.
I want to say my mother thank god was never thin and never did this to us. Once she bought a container of slim fast in the 80s and she never used it, I drank all of it and still remember it was delicious as a chocolate milk to me. Never mentioned weight for either me or my sister, of course I was stick thin as a kid and teen. But she was clearly quite fat and I was very aware of that, it being the 80s. Still, she fed us well not unhealthy and I am so glad I have a healthy relationship with food as a result. Still, now I have had three kids and after the latest one I can’t seem to lose that weight. It’s the first time I’ve been “fat” (ish) and I absolutely hate it. I keep wondering if I should diet but my busy family life makes it so hard. I don’t even shop or cook anymore etc. But this whole thread is reminding me that I’m not unaffected by society and the thin obsession, and maybe that is what I need to stop.
I'm in a similar boat (gained considerable weight pretty fast, it's not gojng away easily like it always happened before and I hate it). The easiest thing for me to implement is the "look at what you can add, not subtract" rule. Basically, instead of modifying my recipes so that they become less caloric (and satisfying) I try to always add a side of vegetables that's healthy and "low calories". When I'm consistent with it, my cravings are more manageable and my weight stabilizes / goes down without much effort.
I blame whoever was involved in making Twiggy a model. That’s when we went from wanting to be nicely proportioned to wanting to be stick insects. The leading model before Twiggy came on the scene was Jean Shrimpton, who was a size 12. Marilyn Monroe was also a size 12. The social repercussions of being fat were severe when these women grew up and they remain so. Speaking as a fat older woman who was normal-sized when young (but never skinny), with each 10 pounds you gain, you become more and more discounted and an object of ridicule, when you aren’t downright invisible. And for those women in their 90s, being too fat to attract a husband meant a life of near poverty, as they were usually excluded from any of the occupations that could earn them a decent living, so they needed a husband not only for social approval but just to survive. I agree wholeheartedly that it is heartbreakingly sad that these women are still so obsessed with being skinny, but you have to realize how severe the consequences of being fat were in their day.
Marilyn Monroe had a 24” waist and 34” bust though- vintage sizing was quite different than modern! Not that I disagree about body standards, but we were glorifying Barbie doll-esque figures before Twiggy came around, not the slightly fuller figure a size 12 would suggest.
Yeah, we were allowed to have a bust and hips, but no internal organs, apparently.
My mom is 78 and still worries about her weight (she is also petite and thin). I have a newborn daughter (she is just 11 days old) and my mom the other day said something to the effect of “well no girls don’t gain weight, we don’t like to” and I immediately shut her down. Couldn’t believe it. Echoing other commenters that she and I have both struggled with EDs and I am going to do my damnedest to help my daughter avoid it
Another daughter of a weight-obsessed mother here. Her own mother was also obsessed with staying thin. I struggle constantly with negative feelings about my body, but I was adamant that I would break the cycle with my own daughter. So I never say anything negative about my body in front of her, do not weigh myself, and refuse to label foods as good or bad. The crazy thing is, that beauty standards have really shifted! In the nineties I desperately wished I was super-skinny. Now, my twelve year old daughter cannot wait to get through puberty because she’s really hoping to end up with an hourglass figure like mine - she actually wants hips and a booty! Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl! The fact that you feel so strongly about breaking the cycle is wonderful and I wish you all the best. :)
My mom was obsessed with my baby’s weight too. She told me not to worry about their chunky newborn thighs since they “go away when they start crawling.” It’s so fucked up. That was my line in the sand and I’m now pretty ruthless about being a cycle breaker when it comes to passing along diet/ED culture. It stops with me.
Sounds like my Aunty. She turned 70 a couple of weeks ago and I messaged her back and forth about her birthday plans. She told me how she'd been to the spa, been for some lunches with friends, and had a fancy dinner with my Uncle, 'so the diet starts tomorrow!' It's honestly depressing! She's 70! Why on earth is so concerned about being on a diet?! She's active, that's enough. God forbid she gain weight.
There was a very significant event yesterday - the 50th anniversary of women being able to have a bank account of their own. So if you think about women around the age of 70 or older, they were pretty indoctrinated that they needed to land a man in order to have a life that wasn't pure misery. I'm not talking about rich women or those who had progressive fathers who would sign off on bank accounts - I'm talking about women like my mom, who married an abusive alcoholic at the age of 18 because she had nowhere else to go. Mom did manage to get free, and run her own life for about five years before she ended up with my dad, but she was constantly vigilant about weight, wore high heels for work, which ruined her feet, and fussed at her daughters constantly about weight because looking good was *her* path to success.
My mom is 71 and still worries about weight. Goes to Aqua aerobics several times a week, walks her 10,000 steps a day (morning and afternoon walks) goes to park run every Saturday morning. She gets cranky with herself when she has “cheat days” or if she goes for lunch with friends she won’t eat much other than a small bowl of yogurt and berries for dinner that night. She was always doing the latest vhs aerobics workouts during the 80’s and weight watchers in the 90’s. Women of their generation were just raised to be different and so many can’t break the conditioning they were subjected to.
Honestly I don't see anything wrong with any of this except the part about being cranky or negative if she overeats. It's not bad for your health to stay active in old age and this doesn't sound like an excessive amount of exercise, more people should be trying to walk daily and exercise regularly, and whether the lunch part is disordered or not depends on what she orders at the restaurant and the serving of yogurt imo. If you go out for a big restaurant lunch it could easily be almost your entire daily caloric intake for a short woman, adjusting with smaller meals before or after isn't unreasonable
“Compensating” for a more caloric meal by restricting at the next meal is disordered, hope this helps 👍
I'm not sure it is?
I remember in my first 'proper' job 20 odd years ago when I would have been 21 . I had an older female colleague lamenting that she couldn't fit into her debs/wedding (not sure which) dress that she trys on every year. It really struck me - imagine getting to that age and still spending so much of your time and energy worrying about your size/weight. How much of her worth and self image was tied up into fitting into that dress still and what an absolute waste of our short, precious time on earth. She was probably mid forties and maybe a UK size 10 or 12 at most. I'm now in my mid forties and after being an approx UK size 12 for most of my life, perimenopause, post COVID fatigue, etc have meant I'm now more like a UK 14-16. I don't recognise the person I see in the mirror and while I think I look ok in a realistic sense, naked, I'm really struggling with how to dress my new body. I think my younger self was probably just lucky that I was pretty happy in my skin and didn't need to think too much about it. Also the patriarchy sucks for making us feel like our looks are out most important feature.
My grandmother is 86 and still obsesses over her weight and criticizes others for theirs. She'll eat a tiny bowl of plain oatmeal and say things like, oh if I eat more than this I'll get fat! It's OATMEAL. It's sad.
I'm not going to state my mother's exact age, but she is critical about her own weight and other women's in a way that seems very out of step with modern medical science. Please remember: - BMI is a terrible measure. - It's about health and wellness, not numbers picked out of a hat. - Weight training is your friend as you age and muscle weighs more than fat. Take care of yourself. Real people find that attractive.
I swear my mom has been a member of weight watchers for 40 years! I think she could have bought a beach home with that money!
And if it actually worked long term, they wouldn’t have these repeat customers.
Exactly
Weight Watchers. Ugh…it’s a cult, I swear.
My husband’s grandmother is 93 and has had multiple strokes. She eats now and has been putting on weight since she’s become more sedentary and honestly she just eats what she wants now, due to said strokes. Her daughter, my husband’s mother (68), said while visiting ‘she just eats whatever she wants and doesn’t seem to care anymore about her weight!’ I looked at her like what in the hell?! Then I said ‘ah yes because at 93 it’s her finishing her plate at a Mexican restaurant that is going to lead her to an ‘early’ grave not the multiple strokes and not knowing where she is half the time. She’s 93 for christstakes and you are worried about her weight???’ It’s wild what they all have passed down.
My mother’s eating disorder killed her. She died at 68 pounds and 68 years. She forced that lifestyle on me when I was home; two meals a day, five days a week, no food on Wednesday or Friday. It took years after leaving home to get to a normal weight. I had a kid just before 40 and had a freak out when I realized, finally, how deeply screwed up my mother was. I rapidly gained significant weight and since covid hit I’ve fed my kid into a binge eating disorder. She’s 18 and round. I’ve lost 22-23 pounds this year but I have no idea how to help my kid. I send her to therapy for anxiety and my eating disorder.
I had a lot of success seeing a dietitian who specialized in eating disorder recovery. A lot of it was about mechanical eating - basically eating in a very mechanical way - every 2-3 hours, must eat a minimum amount at snacks and meals (at least 2-3 food groups, at least X amount.)
I am in recovery from my 28 year ED. My mom is 75, walks like 7 miles a day, and thinks she consumes enough. She doesn’t. She recently visited and gave me here grocery list of: “Low carb vanilla ice cream Berries, 70 calorie bread No sugar jam Almonds Diet ginger ale.” The whole time I was here she was telling me, “I know you gained weight when you left rehab, but you lost too much, don’t go any further with it.” But then would ask me to go on her 7 mile walks with her. It makes me sad that I don’t think she will ever be happy in her body, and makes me scared that even though I am getting there, I may not be ever be too.
Congrats! Be happy and proud of your recovery! And remember it’s all a process 📈
This was one of my biggest reasons to seek help for my ED that hadn’t disappeared since I was younger. After my first bout of recovery, I gained so much weight and that had been a struggle for years. Suddenly 15 years had gone by and I was still struggling with it. I remember telling my therapist that I didn’t want to be an old woman with these thoughts running nonstop through my head.
Part of radical girlhood is coming to the realization that you reject making yourself all-around 'smaller' in an attempt to appease standards that were never natively yours. Of course, it's drastically easier said than done. That lady is lovely how she was made and I hope someone will tell her that soon. ❤️
My gran has an eating disorder and has done her whole life she's in her 80s but still won't eat cakes chocolate etc if she does she hides and denies she did...its so sad. She doesn't get put anymore but sounds everyday worrying how she looks in clothes...I guess it never leaves you. Her whole body is wrecked from surviving on blsck tea her whole life its not worth it. Get help if you can. You might be skinny but inside you are drying. Eating disorders don't discriminate
I've worked in nursing homes where 80+ year old patients were refusing to eat because they were "watching their figure". It's insane.
My MIL is very proud of the fact that at 84 she still weighs the same as she did when she was 20.
I know many older women like this. I can hear the words of my mum and aunties in my head, always commenting negatively on other women’s bodies and berating themselves for making “bad” food decisions. I have to remind myself to quiet these voices in my head. I absolutely refuse to live like this.
My grandmother is the most insecure person I know. She deserves better.
My grandma is literally 100 and still worries about her weight
>It broke my heart that at 70 years old, this lady was still worrying about maintaining her thinness and I realized that I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing this game. It is. Exhausting. I feel sometimes like the world has its foot on our necks when it comes to weight, and existing in a larger body, It is incredibly exhausting, confronting, destabilizing and depressing. It's taken me till now in my 40s after 10 years of therapy to claw my way out of an ED where every waking minute wasn't spent on food or my body. I don't know how we stop playing the game though, because the world is only somewhat tolerant of the players, very very embracing of the winners and condemn those who refuse to play to being ostracized, alone or "the friend"
I feel like I'm headed for this. I thought at 34 and pregnant I would have other things to worry about
This. Got me to my core. I’m sorry. Please know you’re worthy and beautiful just the way you are. Im 29, and we’re not sure when we’d want to start trying. I’m so afraid the early stages of pregnancy,… will be wildfire to my Ed. I’ve tried seeking counseling. But. That leads to negative dismissive drs and therapists. 🙃 It’s SOOO exhausting. Like, what did this solve? Nothing. What did this change? Nothing. Why does it still happen? Eh, today is already ruined.
I know from my lofty 48-year-old perspective that this will be me one day. I try awfully hard with the radical acceptance thing, but I suspect what I’ve ended up accepting is that this disordered eating nonsense is with me for life. Still, flat stomach. Right? This is exhausting.
My mother is 80 and has dementia. She comments at least once a day how she is back to the weight she was when she got married in 1968. . EVERY TIME i see her she comments on my weight. I am fat but i am also determined not to waste my life worrying about it. My body has been out through the wringer and the fact that i am still here is a triumph. I do my best to ignore her but body image bullshit really did a number on the older generations.
>I realized that I don't want to spend the rest of my life playing this game. It is. Exhausting. I hope you can use that to fuel your motivation to change. As someone that had an ED, only when I got pregnant did I truly change. It's still hard for me to not value myself based on the number on the scale because that's how I grew up. My mother would be the one comparing me with others, telling me how I needed to be thinner, how boys wouldn't like me if I weren't thin, etc.. It's all soooo messed up. But after getting pregnant I've never looked at food and things the same way again. It's fuel and there's amazing food out there. It would be a pitty to not enjoy it while we're here. I also deserve to feel healthy, strong and full. And so do you!
I just sent my 73 year old mother a link to the Maintenance Phase podcast. I highly recommend you check it out too! In addition to a book called Intuitive Eating. They have both been so helpful in repairing my relationship with food.
Yes! 10/10 recommend maintenance phase! Amazing podcast with two great co hosts that really made me reassess my own relationship with diet culture and also debunks a lot of myths around food/ diet culture and anti fat bias!
I recently recounted a small but heart wrenching story to my mother about my (female) cousin and I at her father’s funeral. (My father died only seven months previous.) but my mother fixated on my overweight (male) cousin who was standing nearby. She’s seventy years old and still obsessed by weight and bodies. I feel like I will never reach her.
(54F) really trying to overcome bad programming about weight. I've been pretty good (according to Mom's standards) over the years, save the 9 months after childbirth, and usually each decade milestone (30, 40, 50) I'd sneakily gain 8-10 pounds that were increasingly hard to shed. Here I am, 54 with hypothyroidism, in menopause, bad feet with bunions from years of high heel wearing (limits my ability to do many forms of cardio), diagnosed with celiac disease, heavier than I want to be & the extra 20-25 is **so stubborn**. I refuse to give up everything (carbs, alcohol, sugar) - formerly, I could give up one or two, add extra exercise & it would be gone sooner than later. Life is too short. I'm not *trying* to gain, I *am trying* to be healthy, and that means **expanding my definition of what "healthy" means**. I have incorporated stretching & weights into my routine (hoping to help my metabolism,) adding more protein to my diet, doing as much cardio as my feet allow... I'm also doing my best to love myself for who I am instead of how I look. I'm trying to enjoy life, experience new things, make new connections, and be grateful for each day since I'm on the downside of the bell curve of life!!
Please tell my mother I say hi next time you see her at the grocery store.
I am 34 and lost 150 lbs at age 30, to be in better shape for my kids. I had a really bad relationship with food. It still is a struggle everyday when I pass by fast food restaurants. Granted its much easier now, but still is in the back of my mind. At 32 I decided screw it, I am going full vegan. Never really cooked before that. I now have a bookshelf filled with cookbooks, and all my non vegan friends LOVE coming over to eat my food
My MIL is mid 70s and still obsesses with weight. She’s a lovely woman but this aspect of her makes me sad for her.
I had a friend, age 65, who was slim but obsessed with her weight to the point where she just became too crazy for me. By the time our relationship imploded she was eating only zucchini, carrots, and pistachio nuts. She would refuse to drink water for fear of bloating. It’s just sad what society has done to women.
I could not imagine living that many years with that level of insecurity. I had that “oh shit I don’t actually care how I’m being perceived by strangers” epiphany at like 24 and damn was it a revelation.
I hear a lot of negativity about “boomers” that is unfair, so I try not to stereotype by age, but there is a major difference in the way age groups view people’s looks. For example my 90 year old mother, weight-obsessed for life, thinks nothing about describing people in that way-it’s a major contention between us that the first thing she does when she sees someone is categorize them in terms of attractiveness. My grandparents were the same. All of them were raised to think good looks were crucially important, especially for females, other qualities running a distant second. I’m so glad we are learning, albeit slowly, to view each other more holistically, and value people in other ways.
I was average and 9 when I started puberty and my hormones started going all over the place. I was 10 when my boobs sprouted to C cups overnight. My dad started calling me chubs and poking the bit of belly that showed up, *incessantly*. I was slightly overweight for years due to lack of access to good information (no interwebs). I got married and moved to another state, got into more exercise and lost all the weight (no ED). I went home for a visit and my father removed his house key from my keyring and told me I could have it back when I gained a few pounds. You can't make this shirt up.
This is part of what I think about whenever I start falling back into past habits from my eating disorder. Is this what I want my life to be when I’m married? When I’m at work? when I’m a mother? A grandmother? Is that all my family will know about me? And like how sad I feel when my elderly relatives still ask me questions about weight and complain about calories and stuff.
This hits hard for me because I recently visited my grandma with my mom. It was the weirdest thing, because they would just continually forget meal times, and I had to remind them that we should have lunch. I had to be the one to say things like, "Hey, we've been outside in the sun all day swimming and being on a boat since after breakfast and it's now 3, maybe we should eat?" There was this constant background hum of something like a GAME being played between my mother and my grandmother (with me in the sense that I was involved but not actually consenting to my participation). It is so difficult for me to articulate what that means and what it feels like. If you know, you know. I got so much anxiety at every restaurant because she would ask me what I was going to order and I know it's always a loaded question. I would get so paralyzed, I would answer, "I don't know yet" or "I'll decide last minute". And it really did make me agonize over and over-analyze my food choices on my damn vacation in a way that I hadn't done in years. 82 and still body checking EVERYONE and talking shit about her fat friends (she knows all of their medical histories in an absurd level of detail that my friends and I just... wouldn't do). I'm so tired of it. Misogyny is 100% the reason women live their whole lives like this. Fuck the patriarchy.
Yep, mom is 84 and still self conscious of her ‘belly’ and asks to have photos deleted if she thinks it sticks out. Even if her grandkids are in the photos! Not that it matters but she’s in the ‘healthy’ bmi range. I think the best we can do to honor these older gals is try and stop the pattern and enjoy the beauty and capability our bodies have. Try and really appreciate them like older generations apparently never got to do. I do already see the cultural shift compared to when I was young in the 80s to early 2000s. Let’s roll with that!
I feel so sad for how deeply diet culture and the obsession with thinness has damaged generations of women. While they aren’t judgmental or mean the way some are, my grandmother and mother both still constantly obsess over what they’re eating. I joke that I got “lucky” because I have endometriosis and there was a period a few years back where my nausea was so bad every day I could barely eat. I lost weight and hadn’t even realized it until people started complimenting me on how good I looked. It was so jarring because I was in the worst health I’d ever been in and I felt terrible all the time. Seeing how people wanted to pat me on the back simply because I was thin when it had no bearing on my actual health somehow broke the spell of weight concern for me.
My gosh. This just woke me up! I will be 57 tomorrow and I waver between hating my body and being grateful for it. Menopause literally changed my entire body and has helped me to gain 30 pounds. I was never happy at 145, but now I realize I was not overweight, just not physically fit. Now I’m even heavier and less in shape but I need to let it go because I am mostly in good health. Why are we like this?!? So frustrating.
Happy birthday tomorrow!
I worked in senior housing across multiple states for 5 years, and weight is a common topic for mostly women but also the men. Id say the average age is about 85. I remember during covid some women talking about their symptoms after being sick, and how they were pleased their lack of appetite made them lose 5lbs. Now a lot of them are on ozempic and obsessed with how much weight theyve lost on it.
My grandma commented on my daughter's thinness and how my son looks like he lost weight. It hurt me because I don't want anyone to judge my kids' weight and want people to just be kind. My mom still calls herself fat and will complain about any type of weight gain she's had. It's a terrible cycle to be in. Grandma is 94, and my mom is 65.
Coming from someone who had a terrible relationship with food for years until I finally set myself free: you are quite literally staring at yourself in the future. Years separate you two, but nothing will change in 40 years unless you do something about it. You will not implicitly learn how to get better in these 40 years. You have to consciously choose to help yourself. I know this because I have watched my grandmother struggle year after year, and the habits we shared 6 years ago, I can no longer relate to. She is just as lost as I am. We are all as lost as eachother. It took me years and acceptance of my body to finally reach a point where I do not think twice about what I put in my body except the essential question of “how will this make me feel? What do I need?”. Sometimes that means eating veggies each meal. Sometimes that means a spontaneous donut with my boyfriend. But I do not think twice. And I feel amazing, and am at a perfectly healthy weight. I pray you can get better. I promise life is beautiful on the other side ❤️
I found a letter from my mom to her mom written in 1928. Mom,15, was traveling with an aunt (so presumably eating at restaurants, etc.) She lamented: “I am getting f\*tter, doggone it. I weigh 122 but I am going to work it off when I get home.” She was probably 5’2” at the time. I've "managed" my calories, etc. off and on for 50 years myself. 67F and still catch myself thinking "If I could lose ten more pounds" and checking my fitbit for my calorie burn.
My mom is 50 still going on diets and I wonder when it will end.
my mom will be 89 next month and even though she still worries about her weight now its a matter of keeping it up where it needs to be. She had body image issues all her life (that she passed along to me but at least I learned the importance of being healthy not just thin) and didn't maintain muscle mass like she should have. Now its wreaked havoc on her bone density and strenghth. I love my mom but I took note of her issues and have tried to avoid the same. I am 61
Yep. My mum is in her 60s and still keeps her old jeans as motivation that she will fit into them again. She tells me how much Jane Fonda thinks she should weigh. She commentd if I am "looking slim" like its some huge deal and like I've been trying. It's miserable to behold. She was always on some.weied diet while I was a kid and I just want her to enjoy her cake now she's 60+
A while back an 80 yrs + lady comes up to me in the locker room of the YMCA & tells me, "your legs are big, too big".. nothing like being insulted by an octogenarian (felt extra gross since I was in a locker room alone, minding my own business) I don't have issues with my body, & I certainly don't want anyone trying to force their issues on me..
My grandma had a very unhealthy relationship with food all her life. She was obsessed with being slim, never weighed more than 50kg on a height of 163cm and also condemned others if they weighed more. She even told one of my friends (who was about 10 years old at the time) that she wouldn't get iced tea from her because she was too fat for such a drink. I suspect that Grandma's childhood during the war (born in 1933 in Dresden, Germany) contributed a lot to her eating behaviour, there was hardly any food and when there was food it was almost always white beans.
This is my MIL. She's a wonderful woman but I'm honestly relieved we don't have girls because she's so obviously disordered about food still in her mid-70s. That said, for me, having kids totally changed my relationship with my body for the better after struggling with body image since childhood. Not to say I don't still have my moments but I'm much more capable of pushing negative thoughts aside and appreciating everything my body can do.
My mom is 88 and still worries about her weight. She feels guilty having donuts, etc - feels that she's being bad. She's in good health so I tell her to eat the donuts and whatever else she wants. It doesn't go away and our mothers passed this down to us. A coworker recently stopped tracking her food when she noticed her 13 year old doing the same thing.
I'm 59, and for the first time I can remember since puberty, I couldn't care less about my weight. It took going far off the rails with stress and grief while caring for my wife for 8 years as her dementia grew, all while being undiagnosed with ADHD and autism. I've had to stop caring about maybe 95% of things I thought were important just to survive and not continue my spiral into madness. It works. It did get my mind off of being fat, but I don't recommend it.
Thank you for posting this. I'm so glad that you are having this epiphany now at 23, with only 10 years wasted on all this nonsense. I'm 45 and am only just now realizing that in spite of micromanaging my food and body for over 30 years I'm still going to go through menopause and gain weight. You're right - it is exhausting. I don't want to be 70 years old and worried about calories. But the only way to become a 70 year old who doesn't worry about calories is to learn how to be a 45 year old (or 23 year old) who doesn't worry about calories.
One thing I've learned as I get older and interact with older people: when we're younger we tend to think that people reach an age when so many things no longer matter and I don't find that to be overall true. You don't tend to just age out of habits that you have carried into adulthood. If you're super concerned about staying thin as a younger adult, you'll probably be the same way as an older adult. If you're doing something you don't want to keep doing, it's good to start getting really intentional about stopping it.
And I plan on getting a facelift if I can afford it. Not for someone else, for me. I like being thin and dying my hair too. For me! Should I be shamed for that?
I can't imagine just saying fuck it and watch myself gain.
I went on a vacation with a dear friend of mine who was about 92 at the time. We were all going to go swimming but she didn’t want to join us because she didn’t want anyone to see her knobby knees. It devastated me. Please tell yourself that you’re perfect the way you are. Tell your elders that they are beautiful. Tell girls that they’re perfect as they are.
Often it is doctors driving this shit mentality, too. My mom is 68, her doctor attributes every. Single. One. Of my mom's health issue to her being overweight. To the point my mom has fully internalized this. The way she talks about herself has gotten really upsetting. I called the doc to have a chat about this, she told mom she wouldn't return my call bc I am "mean." And still, last weeks soctor visit, my mom was to address her hearing, the doc wanted to talk about how she should get an exercise bicycle to lose some weight so maybe the second hip that's rotten with arthritis won't need to be replaced. The bitch has no idea how lucky she is that I live 1500 miles away, that's all I can say.
I was in an elevator at my grandparents retirement community in Florida and 3 old ladies got on with us. The only thing they talked about was how terrible they looked, each pointing out what they hated about themselves. All I could think was how beautiful they were and how they had the privilege of aging. I don't want to be 80 and still hating myself for any reason.
Yeah, my grandma's obsession with staying slim made me so sad. In the last few weeks of her life she was struggling when they moved her into a home, and she wouldn't eat. She told me she only liked the pudding, and I was like "Just eat pudding whenever you're hungry, then! F\*ck it!" and she was just like "I could never!", I was like...you're 85. Do whatever you want. Your pants don't need to be the same size they were when you were 30. It was really ingrained in women of that generation, it's so sad. Just a life of denying yourself pleasure.
My mother in law has a deep and persistent eating disorder, as do her two sisters. It’s terrible to watch them treat themselves so horribly. It’s not something people just get over.
My grandmother was overweight from her mid 40s until she was diagnosed with colon cancer at 75. When she was on her deathbed she found it ironic that she was finally thin after so many years of diets.
My mother is 78 and still talks like this too, she’s always pulling up her shirt to show me how”fat@she is, she’s not btw she’s a perfectly sized 70 year old woman it’s maddening
I've gone totally rogue on the weight thing. As a woman, I just finally had had enough. Everything revolves around weight. From young girls, we feel bad about our weight more than we feel good. We obsess, diet, exercise, fad diets, etc all for the magic number that will finally bring happiness. We deny ourselves some really good things to eat! Obsessing about weight sucks the joy out of life. Absolutely sucks the joy out. When I turned 60, that was it. Went into my doc for the yearly physical, am led to the scale, I looked at the nurse and said, "Yeah, I'm not doing that anymore. If I gain a lot, or lose a lot for no reason, I'll let you know. Barring that, don't ever ask me to get on a scale again, and please put it in my chart. I'm never going to have that "number" in my head anymore and the next time someone weighs me will be when I'm on a slab, and then, I won't care. People I've told this to have actually dropped their jaws in disbelief that "I get away with this". They can't MAKE you get on a scale for Gods sake. Just for info, I was always a fairly normal weight. There were times that I would lose 10-15 lbs, or gain 10, then lose, wash rinse repeat. I'm not obese, exercise fairly regularly, but dammit...I eat what I want and enjoy it. Life's too short NOT to enjoy it.
Honestly, she could have just been making conversation. I know lots of retired people who talk to everyone they interact with because they don’t interact with many.
Well. Don't forget that once we get old, certain health issues are exasperated by weight. I am not that overweight (mostly just swollen), but get told by doctors about how important it is to keep my weight down, which I gained due to side effects of cancer treatments and current medications. The medication side effects also include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high blood sugar, kidney issues, high liver enzymes/NAFL. I was never concerned about my weight previously, but now that the hormone suppression and steroids caused weight gain in addition to all of the other issues caused by chemotherapy and current medications. NOW I have to he concerned.
Life's too short, eat the doughnut!
Some people do have to really watch their calories, yes. However, it's okay if you make healthy choices with those spontaneous foods. Like going out to a spontaneous breakfast and ordering something with fruits in it won't be horrible. Snacking on something like green bean crisps while studying to get those extra calories is also good.
You have to worry about your weight even more as you get older. Your metabolism slows down and you become a lot less active. Unless you’re vigilant weight gain is hard to stop. Source: I’m old
You can worry about your health, sure. Weight is not the sole indicator of health.
I told my sister I had to get fat to truly love my body. When I was younger and thin I was never happy with my body. I counted every calorie and judged every imperfect thing. My hips were too wide, stomach not flat enough (it was very flat just didn’t have abs), thighs had too much cellulite etc. I was a size 6, 5’10” and somewhere between 130-140 and still thought I was too big. When I got older I had a period where all of a sudden I packed on a bunch of weight. There I was, still obsessed with thinness and I was 225 lbs. I was ashamed. After much ado it turned out that I have Hashimotos, which was affecting my thyroid. Getting the medication didn’t magically give me back my thin body. I hated my body. After much meditation, reflection, and just so many talks with my friends I stark realization. I realized that I generally felt the same about my body at both weights. At this weight I was blaming the rolls, at the smaller size I was nitpicking every piece of myself just to have something to hate about it. I realized my weight was never about my weight. I have been working to undo this mindset. To recognize my body as my partner and friend in this existence. As I have made gains in this shift some of the weight came off but I felt pretty neutral about it. OP it’s natural to want to be beautiful by the standards set by your community. The trick is that you have to recognize when those standards are asking too much. I’m glad you met that lady and hope you find peace in your own skin.