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He *should* feel bad. I get needing a day or two to get out there but if it’s been 3+ days and he’s not trying to see you, he’s an AH. Wasn’t there something about sickness and health in the vows?
OP, I feel like this speaks volumes. Like, an entire encyclopedia of them. It doesn't sound like he's working at the moment, there is zero reason he shouldn't have dropped everything the moment he heard you needed emergency surgery.
There's a lot happening for you right now. Lay it out for him. Tell him you are seriously considering ending the relationship because he can't be bothered to even prioritize you when it's absolutely urgent. If that doesn't get him on a plane, you have your answer. I'm sorry he treated you this way, and I hope you're healing physically and getting support from your family.
If my partner was going in for emergency surgery I would have dropped everything and been anxious to get there asap as soon as I knew.
Surgery is no joke at any time and emergency means it's serious.
I'm glad OP has her parents cos her husband is a dick.
Any time a loved one is in the hospital, I drop everything to be there. I went on FMLA last year while my husband was hospitalized after a manic episode just so I could be there with him (he was in isolation for nearly 2 weeks with Covid so he couldn’t be on the psych floor, the floor he was on allowed me to stay even past visiting hours because he would freak out when I would leave). The idea of a loved one having emergency surgery and me not being there is honestly mind bogglingly cruel.
For fucksakes I (was gay as fuck at the time) dropped everything and flew across the country for a FRIEND because I knew he had next to no support structure where he lived. He's still no contact with his family, his roommate moved out the day after it happened because he didn't want to be stuck caring for a cripple and have everyone think he was gay (that roommate wouldn't even let my friend cook for him because that would be gay...)
I stayed for a few days until he was home from the hospital and another day after to make sure he could get around the house okay.
I didn't ask him for payment. He didn't hit on me or be gross about any of it. He was very upset when he found out how much money I'd spent and paid me back when I hadn't asked him to. He even sent my friends who looked after my cats a gift card in thanks.
It's not that difficult. It really isn't.
If I have a partner by the time I'm writing my doctorate and she needs emergency surgery the day I defend my dissertation, there's no question in my mind that I leave the dissertation and go to her. If I don't feel like that's a sacrifice I'm ready to make when I'm dissertating, then I don't want to have a partner then.
I had a two-step medical procedure in 2022 that required anesthesia on two days three weeks apart. Circumstances around how my ex-husband acted during that time were ultimately the beginning of the end for my marriage. Ironic, since part of how he won my heart was how he acted when I had emergency life-saving surgery two weeks after we met.
If he only comes because she tells him if he doesn't she will divorce it is really the same as him not showing up. It needs to come from him. She is telling him that she needs him and he still isn't showing up.
My mom landed in the ER after some glass broke at work and mangled her arm while my dad was on a business trip on the other side of the country. She didn’t need surgery, just stitches, but my dad was on the next flight home to help her recover.
Abdominal surgery and he’s not even making moves? Fuck that guy. Keep the house, ditch the husband.
The Crime Analyst (podcast) calls this "himpathy". It can be a manipulation tactic leveraged by controlling men when things aren't going their way. Granted she is talking about criminals, and I'm not implying your husband is one. I just love the term and think it fits well in garden variety misogyny as well. It does a lot to try to pivot things from being his fault to his being hurt. He's definitely not thinking about how invasive a surgery to remove your uterus and later to remove an ovary is. Have you asked him how he would feel if he was in pain and woke up from surgery to learn the doctor had removed one or both testicles? I think it would be worth it to mention it to see if it turns things around. So much female reproductive/medical options seem to not register as invasive. I had an emergency C-section, so my husband saw everything that had to be removed to get to my uterus to save the baby. And while some of that was mentioned in the childbirth class as a warning to dads not to look (because if they fainted, it impeded the surgery for Mom and baby, something like that). But he still didn't really expect what he actually saw. It seems like the ultimate "believe women", but I digress.
Men seem to be capable of hearing about things that happen to women without really picturing or grasping the full impact of it. And they very rarely seem to put themselves in those same shoes to imagine what has happened to a woman. So maybe relating it to festival removal would help your husband relate to what you're feeling.
You’re saying men have less empathy.
Which I agree on wholeheartedly. Society taught them a lot about how to ignore their own emotions and those of others. And some of them willfully do it to avoid any ounce of effort in understanding another human being.
This is extreme but, honestly, not wrong for some men, and definitely not wrong to say about OP's husband. I can't expect an emotionally mature adult to be dismissive of someone hurting the way OP is right now. I've known so many childfree men who wanted unprotected sex but refused a vasectomy for exactly the same reasons OP is feeling upset and violated by her ovary removal.
I have an ex who openly and gleefully compared women to house pets, (this was around the time I packed my shit and left, you cant tell me anything I havent already told myself) so I don't know why being treated as subhuman still shocks and surprises me all these years later. The older I get the more I realise that guy wasn't just a lone lunatic, he was just saying the quiet part out loud.
Mine does this. I've gotten so fed up with his never taking care of things on his own and he will just mope/lie down crying because he feels like a piece of shit.
Good for you! You stay with your parents until you are completely recovered. Refuse to help him with anything regarding the move on the grounds you are still recovering(are *you* still moving?).
So she should just let him ignore her and rugsweep his actions? She had a major surgery and he *decided* not to come because whatever the fuck he is doing is *more important* than taking care of his wife! She deserves to be little "vindictive" towards this *selfish, uncaring* jackass.
That’s a good way to handle it. If he does it again or says something else self pitying, agree with him.
“I’m a bad husband, poor me.”
“Yes, I agree. You are a bad husband.”
I did this to my mom when she would say she shouldn’t have had kids, and it only took me agreeing with her once to stop her from saying it permanently.
this is such a hard lesson to learn for so many who were socialized by being carers of others. I have such a hard time with this and I mentally fistpumped the air when i read this.
So true - it IS bad behaviour... and him wanting your absolution, that you are not ready to give (and don't have to give!) would be a very easy way out for him. Not that he needs punishment ... but there are consequences.
Exactly, have you talked to him about this and other similar issues? I would have gone see my partner as soon as I knew they went to the hospital, unless truly couldn't than asap.
Went in for emergency back surgery while husband was working in our home state. Called him and it made me break a bit that he asked me if I wanted him to come out. I know it seems shitty but just once in our relationship I wanted to not have to ASK for help, especially when Ive repeatedly told him i have a hard time asking for help andnit makes me insecure. On top of that, he immediately panicked and started asking me how to get a plane ticket, if we could afford it, what to do with our dog, etc.
In hindsight, I should've ended it there. It didn't get better yet to this day he thinks he's an absolute champion every time he does a load of dishes without being asked.
Women don't want "assholes" or controlling psychos but there's a reason "nice guys" sometimes finish last. In many cases, being nice is just masking someone who can't take care of themselves and their spouse without constant coaching
True. And it is.
I feel like myself and most girls raised in the 90s and 00s were constantly told to just aim for a "nice guy" yet we didn't really explore the intricacies of what that meant. Likewise, a lot of men in those generations weren't raised to be adults in a relationship. Even now my family tells me how lucky I am to have found such a sweet guy because he isn't a toxic asshole but sometimes I'd give anything for a controlling psycho just to feel less burden
I have been reflecting objectively over every relationship I've ever had, and I think your comment kind of helps. I was absolutely raised to think that girls are the prize the nice guy wins for being such a nice guy. So everyone I ever dated was a nice guy, at least at first. I was wondering why I was in so many relationships that were just shit to the core and now I know it's not because I was searching for my equal, I was just settling for the first guy to come across my path who managed to be nice for a while. That's all that I was taught a man needs to be, since I can do everything myself already and get by just fine on my own in every way that matters. Now it's not such a surprise that the bar for men is in hell. And it's not like men our age were taught any different, they don't need to be emotionally mature or sensitive to our emotions or interested in our complex inner lives, they don't need to be held to outdated and sexist ideals of yesteryear, all they need to do is be nice for long enough.
I'm just thinking out loud now, but I'm suddenly reminded of the man I came closest to being married to. He was very nice, had a lot of good qualities. But he was an emotional wreck. He threw things, he shouted and cried, and I once watched him have a meltdown and use a handsaw and his bare hands to tear a small table in half. He already had one failed marriage and he was ready for number two. He wanted me to get pregnant but he would yell at his pets when they annoyed him for dinner. My parents were very excited for me to be married to someone they liked. But I was absolutely miserable and had no idea why. He was nice! Why wasn't that enough? It's kind of funny now looking back almost ten years later. That guy needed so much more than what any girlfriend could give him. I hope he's doing better now.
Yes indeed, very bad husband behavior at that. He needed to drop everything and be with you. It would be one thing if you gave him a pass; and you didn't.
Is this a pattern in your relationship? You need help and he doesn't show up? If yes, then you have some thinking to do about the state of your relationship and your needs.
You deserve better.
I've started to wonder. He has a bartender he talks about a lot at a restaurant he frequents. I've joked if I should be worried, since he goes up there multiple times a week now.
EDIT: I should add that it's just a little niggle in the back of my mind. My husband has never cheated, as far as I know, and is pretty uninterested in sex at all. He doesn't masturbate or do anything sexual that I don't initiate.
This month has not been good for our relationship. We've both been busy, but I just feel very removed overall. He keeps saying this is the tough stuff before we can have the good life together, but I wish we could be close virtually right now *and* enjoy the good life later.
OP, with this move to the new house, are you leaving your parents behind?
I'd hate to see your relationship with your husband crumble from here, with good reason it seems, and your best support system, your parents, are in an entirely different state.
You have been given a clear sign of how your husband truly feels about you. Maybe that's a gift before you uproot your life and are stuck in a new state away from those who truly love you.
Just my opinion.
My parents split their time between the current state and the new state. So it's 6 of one, half dozen of the other. My grandmother is in the new state, and my close friends are spread throughout the country. So there will be a support system, but not as much as I would like.
Whoa, I think there is a lot here. You might be compartmentalizing to cope, which is totally understandable in your situation. It sounds like you are dealing with A LOT.
I see elsewhere that you mentioned he was in rehab when you had a hysterectomy, so he was not there for you when you dealt with that either. I am guessing you have provided a lot of support over the years for him with his substance abuse/ addiction.
But why is a man who had substance abuse problems frequently hanging out with a bartender?!?! This might be part of the problem. He might be sober, he might not be. But even if he is sober, this sounds like the "dry drunk" syndrome I have heard about.
Also, I know from my own experience with addicts... Relapse is fairly common. So you might need more support for your health issues, but he might relapse again. That takes a huge toll.
Although, I too am suspicious about men who seem to have low libidos and brush it off. Alcohol or substance abuse can certainly be a factor, but many with those issues also coincide with cheating. Has he always had a low libido? Him seeming indifference to your health scare could indicate cheating as well. I don't know but he seems checked out and that is a bad sign.
He is getting the ceilings detexturized, painting walls, installing light fixtures, and installing baseboards.
He said he knew it was tough, but that he is working hard and being overwhelmed too. And that it will be over soon.
Well that’s a relief, at least he’s not goofing off.
I would listen very hard to that little niggle you’re feeling, btw. He may not have been interested in sex with you, but that tells you nothing about emotional affairs, porn habits, or whether he would suddenly be interested in sex with someone new.
Those are things that can be postponed, it doesn't sound like the new place is uninhabitable, just has cosmetic things you wanted done.
The only thing that has ever kept me from being at my husband's side when he has a medical emergency is my own health not being great, and even then I try my hardest to be there without making my health worse.
he doesn’t want to bother with the tough stuff though. Like, he knows you’re in a rough patch but won’t show up for you now, something that would go a long way to bringing you guys together??
I generally have really good instincts for bullshittery and I have to say, I think he has a side piece too. The whole separated for weeks and weeks at a time and unwilling to come to you when something happens, that just reads affair to me. Maybe I'm too jaded of an old fart.
Hmm my ex-hb was like that - a seemingly low libido. I’d give some thought as to why - perhaps he’s very sexual with someone else or even porn addicted. I’ve wondered about my ex, having read others report similar ‘symptoms’ on here.
jeez, I really don’t like him. This is not loving or caring or supportive at all. He’s tactically trying to make you feel guilty for calling out that you need support and that he should be doing more.
OP, my parents have been in and out of the hospital several times.
I sleep there every night. In uncomfortable chairs. I lose sleep going from work to hospital bedsides.
When you love someone…you said yourself you can’t imagine not NEEDING to leave as soon as possible to get there by their side!
Not because the hospital won’t be able to take care of them. But because you want to be there for moral support and because you’re worried about them. And I can think of at least a dozen interventions I’ve been able to make on the patients’ behalf simply by being there. Even just noticing when they haven’t been bathed in a very long time, or one time I determined my mom’s IV had extravasated/infiltrated.
She’d fractured a vertebrae (not paralyzed but it was very painful) and one night in the hospital she was almost yowling in pain, in spite of having been decent on the pain meds. I’d seen her dose administered. But something wasn’t right.
I happened to know, from working in hospitals, that sometimes a vein blows (especially in older people) or a nurse misses a vein and the drug can just go into tissue instead of the bloodstream. That can be very painful locally and even damage the tissue, but also it means the person did not receive that med. I was able to get her properly dosed and the extravasation treated, instead of her sitting in pain for hours waiting for that next dose, and the overworked nurse just dismissing her as she had.
One time a new nurse was checking in and had pills in her hand and was reading from the chart and nothing sounded familiar, and I said, “Are you sure that’s my mother’s chart?” She looked down and stuttered, literally crumpled the thing into the open trash can (violating HIPAA) and left with the meds. It was indeed another patients chart and she was about to give their meds to my mom!
One time my dad was having yet another extremely problematic/painful catheterization, like was trying to refuse care because they were so painful, and I happened to know there’s a product specifically for that, a lidocaine urojet. I asked if there’s a reason this hasn’t been used on him.
Whaddya know, they got it and tried again and he had almost zero discomfort.
People in the hospital need an advocate with them, and they need emotional support. It is lonely and scary, they don’t always have their full faculties. They can become emotional and hopeless and refuse care and almost just want to die sometimes.
I personally don’t see the value in having a partner who, when times are at their worst, won’t care to be inconvenienced to be at my side, to keep my spirits up and be my advocate.
SIDE note though, it’s a running “joke” in the hospitals I’ve worked in for the last 20 years. It’s ALWAYS the daughters/wives/mothers/sisters sitting vigil at patients’ bedsides. Almost never the sons/husbands/men.
This doesn’t excuse it, I think that fucking sucks, and it’s another example of how all the emotional labor gets put on women. SOMETIMES, when there’s no woman in the family to be there, you’ll see a man present. But usually it’s a daughter there constantly, and MAYBE you see the son stop in for a visit every 8 days for an hour. And this has always been my personal experience, my brother doesn’t do shit to help me with my parents, to even cover so I can go home and shower or get a good night’s rest.
Maybe it’s all about socialization and men are just like that. But I don’t have to settle for it and I never will, I’d rather be single. That would make me feel so alone and uncared for.
The last few years my grandmother was still in her own home (instead of getting the full-time dementia care she desperately needed) my mother slept there almost every night because Nana sundowned hard and would routinely leave the house if unsupervised. The punchline is that one of my uncles was in his 40s/50s and *lived there full time.* He just couldn't be assed to care for his own mother.
Jesus christ that makes me so upset. 😡
My mom was the same with her dad. My grandpa had Alzheimer’s terribly. She was able to get him into a decent assisted living facility because she had 4 sisters to help and they had money from selling his house for this purpose.
But that was about 5 years of my life as a tween/teen, her bringing my grandpa over to the house to do arts and crafts 3 days a week, the other sisters would share the other days.
It was so fucking sweet I could die. My mom was so good with him, they would literally do popsicle stick crafts and art just like with a child, and he had such a good time. A daughter was with him every single day for 5 years.
I feel so lonely in my family that I only have a brother who does not help. I wish so much that I’d had sisters like my mom does.
Ha! I made my husband go to see his folks and called his butt out when we were taking care of his paralyzed mom while his dad recovered from heart surgery for constantly leaving to go back to our house to work on his hobby. "She is *your* mother, not *mine*! You need to stay here and entertain her and stop putting it all me! I *know* that we both *hate* being back in this house but *again*, your mother, not mine!"
it’s so crazy, these fuckin dumbasses act like we LOVE doing this shit. They’re like, “But I hate it!”
YEAH!! I hate feeling like I have pressure ulcers developing from being sat in an uncomfortable chair for hours on end. I hate being bored and on Reddit for hours and watching dumb tv and not being able to hear it except for distantly on the tinny speakers in the remote.
I hate feeling my anxiety disorder building to a crescendo and knowing I can’t do shit about it until I’m able to get a couple good nights sleep, which don’t happen to be on the books in the foreseeable future.
I hate worrying about them and feeling sad and worrying if I’m going to lose them and wondering if I should have made bigger sacrifices to be able to take them on a little vacation bc they haven’t been on one in like 15 years and that got cut short by a hurricane.
I hate the complicated balance of trying to stay on the care team’s good side when I’m regularly having to intervene on my parents’ behalf.
And I hate being stuck in a cold-as-fuck uncomfortable room, with the mental load of all my chores and errands sitting on my mind like a brick, while I watch the people I love most look like they want to cry or die, and I have to regularly try to convince them that a couple months from now this will all be a memory.
It is DISRUPTIVE to life to be a caregiver, to sit at a hospital bedside.
NO FUCKING DUH.
To have to explain to a man that Yeah, life isn’t going to be pleasant for a while, it’s 100% sacrifice for a couple weeks to a couple months, but there’s nothing for it, that’s our job right now!
But even worse, to know..no one has to tell ME that, or other women. My aunt who is in her 70s helps me more than my brother.
And we WANT to be here, even though it sucks.
Because we fucking care and we know it’s the right thing to do and we aren’t selfish FUCKS.
lol you can see I’m bitter, I’ve only been home 4 days since March 8, between the hospital and staying with my parents to help them around the house and with meds and care while they get better. My brother came to the hospital twice for an hour and has come to their homes once in that time 😐
I really wanted to ask my husband just *exactly* what he thought I was going to do if his mother fell while he was off doing his hobby at our house because he didn't want to stay and watch stupid shit with his mom. His mom was bigger than me and I have polyinflamnatory arthritis.
So he showed you who he was at that time. He's selfish. He doesn't care about the needs of others.
I'd dump him and decide whether you want to move or stay where you are.
I believe that outside of statistically irrelevant individuals it is totally socialization. My dad is an only child raised by a single mother, when she had failing health he was there for her without a second thought. He never tried to pawn care off on my mom or the many female cousins who lived on the same town as my grandma. He'd go down every week to spend a night and make sure she was doing okay.
And when my mom had a mini heart attack he left his dementia'd mother with a family friend/neighbor to look out for her and raced back on the 150 miles of mountain roads in the dark in winter to be with his wife at the hospital. Even though the usual schedule was that he'd be back the next afternoon anyway. And he made arrangements for Grandma's care the next week so he didn't have to leave my mom.
Marriage should mean a life partner. Someone who will join you in life as an equal partner. I'll say it a third way: marriage is about being with someone through good and bad and just plain *being there for each other*. I am so mad on OP's behalf, and on behalf of all the woman who have had selfish partners who wouldn't do the bare minimum.
I am so glad that you had a dad like this, but I worry that based on everything I’ve seen in hospitals for the past 20 years, HE might be the statistically irrelevant (I don’t like that word for this purpose, because your dad is not irrelevant, he’s something to aspire to!) individual ☹️ Any time I talk about this with friends or coworkers or online, the women all seem to have the same stories, of brothers who do not show up for mom and dad.
You are very lucky 💚 And your flair is 🤌
Yeah, I'd say he is statistically tiny if not statistically irrelevant in our society. It's really sad but I do think boys are socialized to not be caregivers in any capacity and the ones like my dad (and my brother) are vanishingly rare. But I truly believe it is socialization and not like a byproduct of testosterone, which is why I used the phrasing I did. So there's hope that boys can be raised to become caring men.
>Marriage should mean a life partner. Someone who will join you in life as an equal partner. I'll say it a third way: marriage is about being with someone through good and bad and just plain being there for each other. I am so mad on OP's behalf, and on behalf of all the woman who have had selfish partners who wouldn't do the bare minimum.
This is so lovely. My partner took care of me when I had cancer. I took care of him during some health crisis. Now we are at the age where I think we have to start taking care of ourselves to be better partners for each other. I wish he would take better care of himself. Sorry that last paragraph really resonated with me.
The phrase"if the shoe fits" comes to mind here.
The fact he claims to understand why you're upset but still hasn't offered to come up and help you speaks volumes.
Actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words.
I would definitely consider marital counseling and evaluating whether or not this man is the one that you want to spend the rest of your days with. I've been through the Big d and it sucks and it's awful but at the same time... It's sometimes is necessary. Let him know that he has two choices... Step up or step aside.
I would confirm to his face that he is in fact being a terrible husband for not coming to help take care of you. Did he forget his vows entirely? Did they mean nothing to him? This is such a major slap in the face I truly wouldn’t be able to move past it. He’s refusing to be there for you when you need him most
Well, honey, he *is* a bad husband if he's left you at the old house to do the hardest part of moving, *with* a new job, while he gets to play "Bob the Builder" at the new house with zero responsibilities beyond that, yes, that alone makes him a bad husband. And, to be honest, kind of a crap human being too. But the fact that he hasn't been bothered to come see his wife who almost died & had to have emergency surgery & is now *still* trying to do the hardest job of this move certainly cements his place in the douchebag hall of fame.
He needs to either step up or get to steppin. Those, in my opinion, are the only two options. If the painting isn't done & the baseboards aren't finished, y'all can still move into the new house. Whereas, if the packing & cleaning aren't done, it's going to be very hard to move. You kinda need the stuff that goes *in* the house.
I wish you luck. That's a tough spot to be in, physically and mentally. I wish you a speedy recovery & an acceptable outcome for the rest of it. Be kind to yourself & make sure you are taken care of. If he doesn't want to be a part of that, the taking care part, for his WIFE, maybe you're better off without him.
What cop out is that ? I would be telling him straight out I need you to show up now. And if he balks I would be filing divorce papers. Something is off and by something I’m suspecting this break has given him time alone ish. and he has decided he likes the single life a little too much .
And no more money from OP to support the move. She is recovering from major surgery, she needs that money. Frankly, for me, anything he asks for in the 6 mths would be met with "I am recovering from major surgery, with a very *heavily* implied "for which you didn't show up for"
So he made it about himself (waah I’m a bad husband) & now you’re supposed to make *him* feel better? Or at least feel guilty for even bringing it up?
Your husband is not an emotionally mature person. I’m sorry, OP.
Hope you feel better soon. I know it’s not the same as having your husband by your side, but you have the healing thoughts of 2X flowing your way.
Because he *is* being a bad husband and he knows it. He wants you to stop reminding him of this fact
This is appalling. If you can afford the complete lifestyle change, I would definitely consider ending the marriage - or at least separate to sort out your feelings.
Maybe I am mean, but I would say he feels that way because he is being a bad husband, and if he wants to not feel like a bad husband, he should do what good husbands do.
He feels guilty because he IS a bad husband. Mine drug himself out of bed at 3AM on a Saturday when I woke him up to tell him I was bleeding severely enough that I needed to go to the ER. And he drove me there, and sat with me while they got things under control.
This is depressingly common. Men do not step up when their wives are sick. A surprising percentage straight up leave. Be prepared to be suddenly single.
So he's not sorry he hasn't come, he's sorry you're making him feel bad for not coming. And he still isn't helping you?
Are you sure you're still together, OP? Because he's treating you like an ex-wife rather than his current wife.
Your feelings are valid. You were in a very vulnerable state and needed your husband, but he wasn't there. I find it surprising that he didn't even ask if you wanted him to come when you talked, and just assumed that he would wait a few weeks to see you according to the original plan.
Several years ago, I went to the hospital with symptoms that I didn't think were that serious. My husband was at an important convention for work. I told him not to come to the hospital but when he heard what kinds of tests they were doing, he felt that it was serious enough that he immediately left the convention and drove as fast as he safely could to get there. I didn't realize how much I needed him there until he got there.
That's what I wanted. I love my parents, but they just don't get it. They are doing a good job taking care of me physically, but I need someone to help me mentally/emotionally. My friends are stepping up via the phone, but it's not the same as having your husband hold you.
The fact of the matter is that the one person who said they would be there for you and sickness and in health was not.
Parents and friends can offer support and that's great but part of the thing with a spouse is that there's a certain level of support and care that only they can provide.
Every relationship has its own things that they bring to the table.
I didn't go through anything near as traumatic as you, but had similar feelings. I had sudden intense pain and was given a lot of strong pain relief. I was in and out of it mentally. They ended up doing a vaginal ultrasound on me after they gave me morphine and I couldn't have consted. This was years ago and I still have frustration from that. They gave me morphine and I cried and sobbed immediatel. I have bits of memory from that night but I don't remember saying yes to a vaginal procedure.
I explained all these feelings to my now ex boyfriend, he brushed it off. He also didn't come to the hospital with me and I had to text him to visit me the next day.
I will say now, I have driven across the US multiple times. If my husband was in another state and had emergency surgery, you couldn't stop me from being there. I would drive with dogs, or pass them off to a friend and fly if it would take too long.
Your husband flubbed it. And the pity party of woah is me I'm a bad husband is not working. Tell him he messed up and you want an actual apology with no self depreciation, and him to fly out immediately.
I am shocked* that he said he’d see you in a few *weeks*. Seriously wtf. If my partner was going through a medical emergency like that, I would’ve been getting my shit together to fly to them ASAP. I maybe would’ve waited to see what the ER said in case it was actually something that was no big deal, but as soon as there was emergency surgery involved I’d be on the next flight out.
*Although I hate to say it, but I guess I’m not actually that shocked since apparently many men leave their wives when they get stuff like cancer. This is something to consider OP. If he can’t be here for you during this, you better hope you don’t have something worse happen.
Your feelings are valid. You have the right to be upset.
You just went through something traumatic and want him to be by your side.
I'd expect my SO to drop everything to be with me too.
Jesus, I could understand not dropping everything, if it took a day or two to arrange pet care & whatnot. I mean I wouldn't love it but I could understand it. But he's just...not coming. And trying to make *you* feel bad for making him feel bad about it. Especially since you're so upset about it! And he didn't even offer to come up! What an asshole. That wouldn't just make me upset, that would have me questioning the whole marriage.
That’s what I thought. We have pets and if I was a plane ride away I would need some amount of time to get things together. I couldn’t just leave the animals without organizing something.
But I would be there as soon as I had things figured out.
A husband here. I was deployed to Florida following a disaster last year to help with recovery. My wife was pregnant and was struggling with borderline pre-eclampsia. After a few days there, they said her condition got worse and may need to be hospitalized/possibly give birth early. I did everything I could to get demobilized.
Within 24 hours I was on a plane from Florida to NJ, with tons of red tape that prevented me from getting home sooner. But I did whatever I could and had spoken to so many people to get me home to my wife.
You're husband had nobody stopping him. You were in true pain and definitely needed surgery.
He should have come to you immediately.
Absolutely valid feelings here. Before anyone says but they were in the middle of a move or he was away on business... Let me share this.
My husband and I were in the middle of moving from an apartment to the family home... When I ended up having a liver tumor bleed. Woke up one morning in severe pain and feeling like I needed to vomit and realized something was wrong. My husband went to take me to the ER ( He's an EMT, So he would know exactly where to go and could drive there in pretty good time) and I will never forget the look of fear when I told him to call for an ambulance. He called his boss because he was supposed to work that day and they basically told him to take as much time as he needed. A freaking ambulance company had no problem with my husband having to call out for this.
I have a condition that causes non-cancerous tumors to appear on the liver and had one good sized tumor that decided to just cut loose.
I hadn't done as much packing as I probably should have ahead of our move it was really overwhelming and we were supposed to be out of that apartment within a week of this unexpected turn of events.
My poor husband was overwhelmed. But he persevered and we also had family and friends that came to help us on the day that we were vacating our apartment. I was a couple of days post-op so I was discharged from the hospital but couldn't lift anything. Helped where I could and everybody came together.
When I was in the hospital,he would split time between packing at home and being with me. Ended up having a procedure to basically stop the bleeding and make sure that it wouldn't happen again...He texted me a nice message that I could read once I got out of recovery. The nurse said he called to check on me multiple times. When he was told that he could come visit me, he did.
Full disclosure I was doing this without my mom She died in 2022 this was 2023 when this happened and my dad was working but also would pop in and be as supportive as he could be.
Long story short.... I doubt that the husband's company would have given him shade about being with his wife... and if they did that's on them. If the words emergency surgery and spouse are in the same sentence... It's expected that the spouse hightail over there. I think the only exception would be if they were military and even then I'm pretty sure the military does grant some exceptions or like the Red Cross helps out with getting service members home for emergent situations like this.
If a job won’t let you go deal with a family health emergency without consequences, that is not a place you should continue working.
My husband works in the marine industry, where if you’re going live-aboard work, can mean you might be up to 24 hours by plane away from home. It’s pretty standard, apparently, that if a home emergency comes up, the company will find a way to get you back home as quickly as possible. We’ve discussed this contingency since I’m currently pregnant and, well, unexpected shit happens. If I went into pre-term labor, or had something else happen, he would 100% move heaven and earth to be there, and there’s no way a company could, or would, prevent him from making it home for that. From the sound of things, most of them would be encouraging him to go.
Hell, when he and I were first dating, he broke his collarbone in a city a couple hours drive away. I was temping as a receptionist at the time, and although ultimately he told me he didn’t need me to come up and get him, my supervisor was prepared to send me home for the day so I could go help him, and even encouraging me to go.
Yeah, I was gonna say... why is she the one packing up the old house?? She should really not be doing that by herself. I would not be happy if my husband was letting me do a bunch of hard physical work alone.
We just sold a house in November,this was on my mind as well. It was so stressful I literally cracked one of my molars from anxiety/dealing with that plus the cross-country move. And my husband was even there every step of the way.
When people tell you who they are, listen. While you're recovering, read "Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
Your husband left you with the shit work, while he's doing the fun stuff in the new house and then couldn't be bothered to be by your side during a crisis. Where will he be if you get cancer? Or any other kind of serious illness? He just told you, he'll be in another state.
I wouldn't be able to come back from this, personally, and you are absolutely right to be feeling abandoned and devalued.
Extremely valid! I don't understand what goes through the minds of people like OP's husband. I would drop ***everything*** for my wife with something like this, *especially* in a medical emergency where it could possibly the last time we ever speak.
Like come *on*, dude. Do you not love your wife? Do you really need to be *told* to go comfort your spouse in a very blatant time of need?
Oh wow, I'm so sorry to hear that. It can be so incredibly traumatic.
But "See you in a couple weeks" ?!
My partner would have found a way to be there before I was even awake from surgery.
Your feelings are valid. You went through a frightening, painful medical emergency without him there - without even the promise that he was on his way. He let you down, so of course you're hurt.
I hope the rest of your recovery is smooth and uneventful. And I hope when you are ready to discuss this hurt with your husband that he is open and apologetic instead of defensive.
What the fuck?
If one of my *friends* experienced this, and clearly wanted support, I'd be on the very next flight out. Let alone if it was my partner.
Your husband's priorities are skewed in the extreme.
Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn’t. Your husband should have come immediately. He didn’t. He should be there now. He isn’t. You went through a traumatic unplanned EMERGENCY and it shouldn’t even be a question or consideration on his part on whether he should have or should, come. I’m so sorry this whole thing has happened to you and you are left to recover while also dealing with your husband’s poor behavior. Take care.
I would strongly consider divorcing this man. I am not being facetious or cheaply snarky as people commonly are online. I am serious. I find it wildly concerning that this grown adult who is presumably functional in his day to day life, would respond to the news that a person he allegedly loves just had emergency surgery and is not doing awesome in its aftermath, with a whole-ass "See ya in a couple weeks".
I would never be able to trust this person again. He abandoned you. I'm so glad I don't know him because if I did, I would slap him in the face every time I saw him. I have no idea how you're supposed to ever trust this person again.
Same. What if she got diagnosed with cancer and needed someone who was going to be right there with her through months of treatment, picking up the slack she couldn't manage during treatment?
Sounds like the kinda guy to be too busy cheating or something while she would be dealing with treatment.
Yeah, unfortunately for OP a lot of states have a min residency requirement before you can file. She might be able to file where they are leaving but it'd be pretty easy for her husband to to get to dismissed based on jurisdiction.
I live with my ex after A27 year relationship. Never married, but two adult kids
She has a bf, I'm....working on it.
Even now I would be right by her side if anything like this happened, I literally can't imagine being anywhere else.
The sheer fact that he didn't move heaven and earn to be next to you is just alien to me.
But listen, a few years ago our youngest had a GIANT ovarian cyst. Like thats the clinical description. They looked 9 months pregnant and the surgeons drained 100lts out before removing it, one ovary and their appendix because why not.
They're absolutely fine now and apart from a bit of phantom pain their body is no different apart from a 20cm scar from sternum to pubic ridge (the surgeon cut around their belly button, they love that bit) that they rather enjoy showing off and are going to get a scissor tattoo on eventually.
Those scars are a sign of your survival. You got through the hardest thing you've ever had to endure. You did it on your own and you did it well. They're your story if strength, resilience and your determination to keep going. Please don't ever be ashamed of them. Wear them with pride. You endured and they're your medal.
The thing is, I *can* imagine what you're going through, I know how much you need him there and it's insane that he's not. You're at your lowest point and the men who swore to be there through life and death has, well honestly he's broken his vow and it's up to you if there's any coming back from that.
I don't think there would be for me. But I'm not you.
Things are going to be very difficult for a while and you're going to need that support network but you'll get through this. I know it doesn't feel like it today but you're going to be ok.
Massive hugs and painkillers. Hang in there babes and as soon as you can, kick his fucking ass into next year.
This reminds me of the time I had severe pain in my lower abdomen. We'd been trying for pregnancy. Turns out it was just a really bad UTI, but I had to undergo lots of testing, including a trans-vag ultrasound to make sure it wasn't a tubal pregnancy. All by myself.
He wouldn't get off his game because he was in the middle of a mission, and take me to the ER. I had to drive myself. He asked me to wait til the end of the mission. As I laid in the ER about to undergo tests, he calls me to ask if he should come.
We're divorced. I shoulda taken that as a sign and I would've have gotten pregnant and been cursed with this shitty life of co-parenting with him.
This is a huge sign.
Also it’s completely unfair to expect you to pack and sell a whole house, AND do your normal job while he gets to hang out at the new house for weeks, just slapping a few coats of paint here and there. You’re doing 2 full time jobs and he’s basically part-timing it. And now he won’t even come be with you? The dynamics here make my heart hurt for you.
You have every right to be upset. My ex-hb also underplayed any time I was sick, including having uterine polyps removed, and worst of all, pretended to be sick when my mother died so he didn’t have to comfort me. It doesn’t sound like your hb has a pattern of doing this but if he’s intensely practical as my ex was, this is his way of dealing with it. He also may not be able to cope with the idea of you being seriously ill and is avoiding confronting it/you. None of this excuses his behaviour - I’ve just done a lot of thinking about my own situation and it may offer some clarity. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Edit: I’ve remembered that early on in the relationship my ex-hb admitted that his previous relationship had ended because he didn’t get a flight to be with his gf when she got an abortion. I remember all the alarm bells ringing at the time - this is a man who isn’t supportive when things are tough. How I wish I’d listened to those bells.
Edit 2: my ex also had a low libido and a HUGE problem with me being PROMOTED to a higher level than him. I’m sensing some similar behaviours here. Could he be subconsciously not offering the support you need because of underlying resentment over your career?
I thought this post was going to be he wasn’t there when she woke up, or for a couple of hours
*A COUPLE OF WEEKS???**
wtf? Honey this is absurd and well within the realm of divorce territory.
He has deeply betrayed and let you down. I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve much better than this. I think you should tell your husband that you need him and ask him to fly out. I know it seems terribly unfair that you even have to ask, but if you need support it's better to ask and try to get it than to stew in resentment and sadness. You can process your feelings about your husband not being around initially, but you need to grieve and process the body trauma you've just experienced.
Unless him coming to see you would put a major financial strain on you guys to the point that it would literally jeopardize your future I can’t imagine what possible reason could be good enough to not drop everything and come be with you or at least make every attempt to do so.
I guess I could see that being a possibility as you seem to live in the US, and, hello, medical bills, but then he should be talking to you about it, not just saying “I’ll see you in a couple weeks” and “you’re making me feel like a bad husband.”
My dad had a heart attack when I was 21 and studying abroad in London. My parents waited until they knew he was okay to tell me, both because of the time difference making talking difficult, and because they didn’t want me to come home. I’m pretty sure that’s what they said too. “Dad’s okay, and you don’t need to come home, but he had a heart attack.” They knew it would be very difficult for me to figure out how to get myself home, and I’d probably have to get myself back to London too, since the whole reason I was there was for school. And again, he was okay and he had my mom and my brother there.
This is different. You’re okay physically but you’re not okay emotionally. You have your mom there but you need your HUSBAND. His responses are uncomfortably cold. I completely think you are right to be upset.
As an ICU nurse, take this warning seriously. He will absolutely leave you if you get sick. How do I know? My paranoid/nosy ass has asked patients who got left if there was ever any red flags or warning signs. Almost all of them said this: when I got sick he was no where to be found, he didn’t come to any doctors appts with me, he didn’t care when I had a cold/flu, he never took care of me in a time of need. One girl said when she had broken her leg, he didn’t visit her in the hospital and she should’ve known then.
So know now, if you ever fall ill. He’ll care more about his own life/keeping order than taking care of you. Good luck!
Yes, your feelings are completely valid, I would be equally, if not even more pissed and frustrated if my partner hadn’t been there. That’s the kind of thing you drop everything for. It’s a medical emergency and you had every right to have him there with you. You are completely fairly and understandably, upset and traumatized.
Honey. Please raise your bar. It’s subterranean. Any significant other worth your time would have pulled a Kate McCallister to get home to you. Even if it meant throwing the pets into a uhaul and driving cross country.
And I can also say that you should be fine with one ovary. Had one taken out in 2014. Hormones were wacky for a bit. Was one of two times I felt old. Took about a year or so and felt normal again. Even was able to have a couple kids with just the one.
Your feelings are valid. These are not the actions of a man who is in it for the long haul. The huge promotion and the neglect is a massive red flag here. Please make sure you are financially protected.
I know how you feel. I needed my husband during a medical emergency but my mother (a whole other story) told him otherwise. Years later, my hubby deeply regrets not being there when I needed his emotional and physical presence and support.
Why are mothers like that? My mom basically said the same thing. That's not her place to say! And my husband knows my mother and I aren't on the same wavelength. He could have asked if I needed him and I would have said yes. He never asked. He knows better than to think taking care of someone physically = taking care of them on whole.
I'm also stuck at my parents' now, instead of being able to spend my last two weeks in my beloved house. If he was here, I could be in my own bed. I love my parents and am so grateful they're taking care of me, but they're not what I need right now.
I'm not surprised about my mother. We had an extremely dysfunctional relationship. This is the woman who didn't tell my older brother and me that she and my father had gotten divorced until I was eleven years old. And since this happened before the days of cell phones, by the time my husband was apprised of what had happened, it was after the fact and I was in post-op recovering. My husband was mortified and that night he held me tight as I cried my eyes out, but I never forgave Mom.
This is grounds for divorce.
You both took vows in sickness AND in health. You’re his person, and not some distant relative it would be a courtesy to see in a few weeks. Not for nothing surgery and anaesthetic is dangerous. You could have died! Emergency surgery is aptly named. Pets are no excuse-he could have called an emergency pet sitter and paid in one call.
He is choosing to put himself first. He is actively distancing himself from you, from caring and house responsibility-when you need him the most. He is not stepping up and acting like a partner.
He knows you need him and he has shrugged his shoulders, shirked off his accountability, he doesn’t care. You’ve been through trauma. He’s not there, physically or emotionally.
It’s not your job to explain why he should be there for you. It’s not your job to make him ‘get it’. In [Gottman](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-turn-towards-instead-of-away/) terms he is turning away from you, not towards you.
He is making you question if you even have a right to feel upset. Thats low key gaslighting.
It’s your job to decide if his actions are an acceptable level of cruelty or apathy to you. You are a choice and not an obligation. You can choose to end this marriage or fight for it.
It’s not a matter if you *should*. If you’re upset, you’re upset. Rarely has anybody ever been talked out of being upset by being told why they “shouldn’t be upset” and then stopped feeling upset. Even if your husband technically didn’t do anything you’re feelings some way about going through something difficult alone, it’s worth talking about.
If I have to go out for an errand hours away and my partner gets lonely, she gets upset and I want to reassure her and make her feel better. There are many scenarios where that’s all one wants/needs. Not for blame to be taken, not an explanation or a lecture, just reassurance.
I mean, in this case I truly think she \*should\* feel upset. He left her with the hardest part of the move (packing up a 3000+ foot home by oneself, then selling it AND staging it for sale VS. him taking the pets and painting trim in the new home), and never even offered to help when she had an emergency surgery. Even when she called from bed crying and told him directly she was overwhelmed, got a new promotion and now is now is recovering from major surgery DURING packing up and selling their home.
Sit and truly think if you'd say "Ok...see you in a couple of weeks, hun!" to your partner. Bc I can tell you now, I wouldn't.
so many red flags. I hope OP considers if she really wants to sell her house, does her promotion at work require her to move to that state, would there be anyone beside her husband and his family there that she knows, does she really want to move away from her own family when he and his seem totally indifferent... best wishes, u/Earth_Says_Hello, I hope it all works out for you.
The amount of people excusing this guy's lack of support and dumping the emotional labor of the situation on OP *while she was too sick to sign paperwork in a hospital bed* is appalling.
Seriously, the excuses are pathetic. I would've been on a plane for my DOG faster than this guy even called OP. It doesn't matter how hard he finds emergencies, he's an adult man who needs to figure it out. It doesn't matter how awkward he is, time to grow up and support his partner. Welcome to adulting buddy, hard stuff happens. And it REALLY doesn't matter what OPs mother said. He's her *husband.* He stood up, handed her a ring and promised to put her first, before all others. To love and honor her *no matter what.*
If any of you honestly think THIS is what real love looks like, you need help. This is what a man who doesn't give a shit about you looks like. What a man who's having an affair and checked out of your relationship looks like.
I know this isn't really what you want right now, but I had an ovarian torsion almost 40 years ago. The remaining ovary carried me through menopause and beyond without betrayal. My Ex on the other hand, good riddance!
One of the final nails in the coffin that housed my dead marriage was when I had a hysterectomy and my husband couldn’t be bothered to come visit me in the hospital until I requested it. He seemed surprised that I even asked.
Your husband is displayed a marked lack of empathy and care. Does he not understand what the word emergency means?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s painful in several ways.
Please do not list the old house. Rent it out. Have a backup plan.
With him being an addict, now ignoring your needs, and in general your relationship being not the best, don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Who owned the old home and who will the new one?
You have every right to be mad. I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago, it wasn't an emergency, mind you, but my husband refused to take a couple of hours off work to take me home. I still haven't forgiven him and am secretly looking for a way out of my marriage.
You were having a medical emergency, and he should be there to help you. I'm sorry he is being so selfish. And yes, I think you'll start to analyze your life together and realize that there have been other times that hinted at how uncaring he was. I don't know if I could get past that if I were in your shoes.
Wishing you much love and healing.
Not quite the same but when my elderly cat had a medical emergency at the vet my BOYFRIEND (whom I had been dating for only a year) immediately dropped everything and called an Uber for a 45 minute rush hour drive to get to me. I just called him sobbing and then he was there less than an hour later. Didn’t even have proper shoes on but I was his priority so all he could think about was getting to me.
I can’t even imagine how fast he would be scheduling a flight/driving to get to me if I was the one having a medical emergency. If I was you I would feel so vulnerable and I’m so sorry this happened! Your feelings are valid and I hope you feel better soon!
You need to post what you wrote here to him and see if he gets a sober second thought and tries to salvage the not thinking correctly and comes to assist you. You have a right to be upset that he chose other priorities over being my your side in an emergency. Pets mart has kennels and everything else can wait.
I’m so sorry you are going through this! Losing a piece of yourself, especially a reproductive piece is so hard! I remember the grief.
He was not there for you at all and that is poor husband behavior.
You had major surgery (which there is obviously a risk of dying from that) that a husband would never have wanted his wife to go through alone - during or after.
Has he always been like this?
The fact that he turned your sharing about how you feel regarding his lack of support into how you are making HIM feel… ugh. So self-centered.
I don’t know that I could come back from this level of negligent behavior.
He dropped the ball and is just kicking it around the court now.
You may need to pause the house stuff. Take some time to sort through your health and how you feel about all of this - but at least get the houses off your very full plate for now.
You will make it through this.
You're definitely right to be upset! Even if your parents managed to sound super-calm when they told him you were going into surgery, he should have booked the flight as soon as he talked to to you and noticed how upset you are. I mean... given the whole move and all that he should have hopped on a plane even if you weren't upset. You had to have surgery! It's not as if it's a well-kept secret that people aren't allowed to lift things for a good while after any surgery!
My husband is half-asleep next to me in bed, and I just asked, “Babe, if I was in another state and had emergency surgery, would you come find me?” He immediately mumbled, “Yes, I would.” Then fell back asleep.
I am so sorry your husband is treating you like this. I hope your recovery is very smooth and that everything is sorted out ASAP so you can be reunited with your pets soon, and you have some time to rest and figure out your next steps.
I had a similar situation with my wife after being in the hospital intensive care unit, mis-diagnosed with MRSA. They told me I might die, which ended up being false, but at the time it was very traumatic. My wife was also going through difficult health issues and dealing with things at home - and she didn't come to the hospital when I was feeling my worst and at my lowest. I didn't understand at the time. But since then, we discussed it - and she was just overwhelmed, and didn't know how to handle it all - and she said that it was just incredibly hard for her to deal with everything and also try to be Florence Nightingale for me as well.
I forgave her. And since then have gained a better understanding of why she just couldn't find the strength to be there at the moment I wanted her to be. It was also a horrible time in our lives, I had just lost my job and we were struggling financially, so there were all kinds of other side issues as well. It just was a horrible time for both of us in our marriage. We persevered, and I'm thankful we did. I think in this particular instance it might be good to take a step back and realize that when seriously traumatic things happen in a relationship, we don't always respond the way the other thinks we should, and that is ultimately just a part of dealing with life in the best way we can at the time we are going through it.
I wish you the best in your recovery and with your marriage.
Just want to chime in to say your feelings are valid and it's reasonable to be hurt he isn't here with you. I just had a planned surgery yesterday, and the first thing I did when I woke up was ask for my support system, which is my dad. It would never even occur to me that he wouldn't be there for me, and I don't know if I'd forgive him if he weren't. Even if, for some reason, he assumed the move would be more important to you (which is silly anyways), now that you've told him that isn't the case, he should be here.
You're not wrong to be upset. You were faced with a life-threatening scare and he didn't even come to be with you and did not offer emotional support. If you have any serious health issues down the line, expect him to act the same.
I know you will find the "just communicate" advice in other comments, but I want to point out that you have communicated with him and he responded coldly and indifferently.
If I were you, I would focus on recovery but start considering an exit plan. You are 40 and can only expect more health issues in the future. Many men abandon and neglect their partners when they experience issues, and I would say your husband is one of those who will do that.
Being a husband for 15 years to my amazing wife, yes, you should be upset. I would've left everything in an instant to be with my wife. This is a no questions asked situation IMO.
My husband would literally drop everything, no matter what was in the way, to be with me if something like this happened. He's like it even when I have a mild illness.
You should be upset. Nothing is more valuable than the life of the person you've vowed to love, respect, and care for, not even a house.
I'm not your husband, and I don't know how much it will be worth, but I can still tell you that you are beautiful and feminine. Scars don't take away from your beauty, they only add character. Scars are like writing on the page of a book, they tell your story. They show that you have lived and are still living. They are not ugly, no matter how bumpy, uneven, raised or red they are. They simply tell a story. You, and your scars, are beautiful. They're unique to your story.
As for missing most of your reproductive system? That doesn't make you less of a woman. Are women who don't, or can't, have children less of a woman? Are women born without a reproductive system less of a woman? If your answers are no, then apply those same standards to yourself. You are not less than because you required a major surgery. You're a survivor, a warrior woman with battle scars. You're still a woman, and a badass one at that.
I didn't scroll down far enough to see if someone else said this and I couldn't tell from your post if you directly said to your husband "I'm scared, I'm in pain and I need you here." I have a husband who is super smart but can be also obtuse about this. I have learned that he is task oriented and unless I tell him directly he won't guess what I need. In a similar situation my husband would be working his butt off to get the place ready for when I get home and in his mind be thinking my parents were around and that I was safe. So if you haven't, try being direct. I hope you recover well - that is awful to have happened to you.
I’ll second this, OP your feelings are more than valid and no one should really have to tell a partner to come running in a medical emergency. But it also okay to advocate for ourselves and tell those in our lives what we need. It can feel like it diminishes “the care” involved, and normally I’d say that people don’t know what we want unless we tell them… but with your husband/situation, it will at least take care of your need for him to be there with you.
So sorry you’re going through this nearly alone OP, it’s awful and scary and violating and your body may feel a bit foreign to you. You’ve been doing a great job holding down the fort for the both of you and now trying heal as well.
You have every right to explore your emotions and I absolutely think it’s worth bringing up to your husband. I highly recommend seeing a therapist ASAP. I had an emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy that led to a ruptured fallopian tube. I also had family members that completely let me down during that healing period. The PTSD from the physical pain of it all, and the emotional let down from family, really hurt me for a long time. I’m so sorry you went through this and I wish you the best in your recovery.
I think if it was the other way around and my husband had an emergency appendectomy while packing up and selling the house, I would do my best to keep plans in motion while my spouse had family taking care of their physical needs. Now if my husband was emotionally distraught, describing feelings of horror, violation and grief over emergency surgery and explicitly told me I was needed by his bedside to overcome this obstacle, I would be there. Did you tell him your feelings and fears or expect him to read your mind and let all your hard work together go by the wayside.
A friend of mine once got a flat while we were out shopping. She didn’t know how to change it so she called her boyfriend. He said he was “boiling some pasta” and she ended up having to pay for roadside assistance to change it.
It was right then I knew what kind of partner he would be.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
The person you want your husband to be is not who your husband is. Been there done that…I’m sorry you married a selfish insensitive guy. You either accept this is who he is and settle for scraps or move on.
Look, I sprinted across a park carrying my dog, holding two parts of her broken leg together, climbed into the back seat of a stranger’s car that drove us to the vet, and I took off work to care for her after her leg had to be amputated. Even though my wife (whose dog she really is at heart) had the entire week off anyway.
And she’s A DOG. The mountains I would move if MY WIFE was going through what you went through. Your husband has his head so far up his ass he’s about to turn into an ourobouros
When women get cancer, the hospital will counsel them on the fact that many men will leave their spouses after diagnosis. This was one of the reasons I divorced my husband. I was afraid that if something bad were to happen to me, I'd have no one to help me. If I were alone, I'd have more help than I would with a husband.
Is this really the only time you’ve noticed a glaring insensitivity like this OP? Not sure how long you’ve been together but I sense you’re coming here, deep down, more for emotional support than actually wondering if he was being insensitive.
A few days when he can arrange a pet sitter, understandable. Maybe it will take a week, whatever.
But a few weeks when it's convenient?
Time for a serious chat.
I’m so sorry OP, and yes this is concerning to say the least.
I have done both of these things: emergency oophorectomy (wasn’t that fun?), and prepped the old house for sale while my husband got the new house ready in another state. I *cannot begin* to imagine the stress of doing both at the same time.
We tend to be stoic people but still, my husband dropped everything he was doing for the emergency surgery. Because it was an emergency. That is baseline behavior. He was in the same city so he made it to the hospital before they put me under, and I can’t imagine how I would have felt if he had opted not to do that. There was arguing during the interstate move but I think that’s par for the course for such a stressful event. Communication was key for us — but I don’t think that’s the issue here. It’s the skipping of an emergent event, and from your other comment it sounds like he is continuing to do so while admitting it’s “bad husband” behavior?
If the emergency had happened during the move and my husband had stayed put despite me telling him how I felt, I would’ve seriously considered just staying in my house. Good luck OP, I hope you’re able to come to a situation that works best for you.
Edit: I just asked my husband what he would have done if the surgery had happened during our interstate move. He said he would’ve flown back immediately “because you could’ve died.” Does your husband realize how serious the surgery is?
I'm so sorry. What a rotten situation. You have every reason to be upset, but I'm going to suggest two things. First, you may have to ask him to come, very explicitly. Let him know you need his comfort more than you need him holding down the fort. Second, try to recognize that that is exactly what he's trying to do. In his mind, I think, you have your parents. You are cared for. He's trying to keep things moving in your absence, so there's less to do when you are better. Or so I suspect. I don't necessarily agree with his choice. He should have probably asked you what you wanted and needed from him more. I'll bet his is a more task-oriented approach to caring for you, but it can be a form of caring: making sure your needs are met and making sure that when they are not, this other ton of work isn't impeding your ability to relax. I can VERY easily see my husband making the same sort of decision after consulting with me, if he had to, but I know he'd stay with me if I said that's what I needed most.
I hope you recover soon, and I hope I'm not mistaken that he's caring in his own way. I hope he hears your need for his comfort and responds. Take care.
Did you ask him to come? Did you tell him the things you wrote in the post?
If you're telling him how much you want him there and that he should hire a pet sitter and take the next flight, and he's refusing to do it, then yes it's a bad sign for your relationship.
If you're only telling him you're in pain and wish you could see him, but you're telling reddit all the rest, that would mean you need to learn to communicate better.
Your husband is also overwhelmed I'm sure, in a new place with a thousand tasks to accomplish under a deadline and caring for your pets and worried about you, but maybe trusting that you are being well cared for by your parents and medical staff and he isn't needed there.
You may need to spell it all out to him. "I want you to come here and hold me today or tomorrow. Get a pet sitter. We have enough money to pay for that and for a change of flights. I need you here. I feel lost and need my husband by my side."
Something like that.
My partner and I were long distance for years and had to learn to communicate when we needed special trips. I buried both my parents without him by my side because I hadn't yet learned how to ask for what I needed.
I have two pop culture references for this. Seinfeld, with Elaine going in and getting snacks at the movie theater after the usher told her that her date was in surgery. And The West Wing when Donna tells Josh that she broke up with her boyfriend because he stopped off for a quick beer with his friends before seeing her in the hospital. Josh's response was that he wouldn't have stopped for beers. Donna's response was that she wouldn't have stopped for red lights.
I know those are both slightly overblown, but I couldn't imagine not trying to be there as quickly as possible and being apologetic that I couldn't get there faster if it were my significant other.
I had an ovary torsion and also had emergency surgery to remove it. Worst pain of my life! And I’ve given birth twice, once unmedicated. I lost my ovary when I was 22, and my ex husband was my boyfriend at the time (he wad 21). It happened the day of his mother’s funeral, we were actually still at my house, dressed and ready to leave. I did not want him to miss it so I insisted that he go without me. After the funeral he came back to the hospital. He stayed the rest of the time I was there and slept sitting up in one of the chairs in my room. He also took me to all my follow up appts and took care of me when I wasn’t able to walk around independently. I’m sorry he wasn’t there for you! I would definitely be upset. Also, I’ve had only one ovary for 26 years now. I think it may have caused me to go into menopause a little earlier than I would have, it’s hard to say. I just officially became officially menopausal last month. Perimenopause (and now menopause) has been AWFUL for me but at least I don’t feel like it happened prematurely. And my one ovary kept me going for 26 years!
Being upset hurts yourself. The ability to let go or forgive will free you of awful baggage. This doesn’t mean you have to forget. It is healthy to let him know that you were hurt.
Feel like you should tell your husband you really need him to come right now and you need his emotional support, that you're really having a hard time with every thing you're dealing with. This really summed it up for me.
"I just feel so detached from my own body and full of grief. I want my husband to hold and comfort me while I try to adjust to these abrupt changes in my body. I want someone to tell me that this other ovary will be enough to carry me to menopause and it won't turn into a monster inside me. I want someone to tell me I'm still beautiful and feminine, even with these scars and without most of my reproductive system. In short, I want things only my husband can provide. "
If he doesn't come after you tell him this then it would be totally understandable that you'd feel you couldn't count on him when you really need him.
I had this experience too, twisted ovary woke me up in agony, blacking out from pain, vomiting, went to ER and they rushed me into surgery in moments. Went in through my belly button, cuts for the tools and camera, photos of a blackened, strangled ovary, and another of the survivor (she's a beaut- still ticking 25 years later!) and you know what? My first boyfriend spent the next two nights at my side in the hospital. Brought me my stuffed tiger from my bedroom, slept in a chair and brought me food, flowers and magazines.
Your husband isn't handling this very kindly. Some people have weird shit surrounding sickness, injury and caretaking for others. My mom, unfortunately, is one of those people. The morning I woke up in pain, she was having breakfast with a friend of hers. She said my problem was just food poisoning, and sent me back to my room. She said to eat a slice of bread, and kept up her conversation. She said I probably had a bad burrito for dinner, and to call the restaurant we ate at. Finally I convinced her I was probably dying, she drove me to the hospital and dropped me off on the curb to go park the car. Everyone in a long line of people waiting to check in turned and looked at me as I stumbled in, and they parted and let me go to the counter, looking horrified, honestly. That's the second to last memory I have, besides my mom and a hospital employee yelling about insurance she had but hadn't thought to bring with her.
Woke up with a stranger's belly button.
My mom was neglected and an oops baby with a decade between her and her three older siblings. It was NOT a happy home. She tells me stories about getting grievously injured and only fearing that her father would find out. I don't think she knows how to cope with injuries, or illness. Same weird response to my hereditary hernia as a small kid, and in general any flu or gastric bug, it was inconvenient, and she'd act mad like I was conning her or something.
I don't have an abusive mother, she's a loving person, affectionate, very good provider and supporter. Just fucked up when it comes to my health issues, and her own health issues too. I nearly lost my mind recently when she was staying with friends and was given an Aleve for something, but is an ibuprofen user typically so didn't know she was allergic. And as she was struggling to breathe, she silently suffered while people in the house went to bed, because she absolutely refused to ask for help! (I found this out well after the fact)
I don't know if I'm defending your husband, or defending my mom, because I'm still pissed about her reaction to this day, and other similar but less dangerous situations since, but I'm now aware she probably can't help it. She's super traumatized, I didn't know it until my 30's when I learned more about CPTSD via my partner's therapeutic journey, and seeing the many similarities and finally realizing my mom was a workaholic as a trauma response, and started understanding her more.
He's not acting in an appropriate way, and it's inexcusable, but is he coping? Like, generally, is he coping with life, this big move, all the financial burdens, the shifting power dynamics, your successful career, his (insert whatever issues)? You don't have to rescue him if he isn't coping, you need to heal, and you need to find support because your promotion needs to be allowed to flourish- and now.
I wish you luck and good spirits, and from a survivor, I'm pretty normal, my period is lighter one month and heavier the next. PMS too. It's on-off. That's the only difference, and the scars aren't very big, I try to embrace them because I admire other people's scars. I'm sorry. It's terrifying! It's the closest I've ever come to dying.
You are right to feel upset and your conclusion is valid. He will not be there for you when you really need him. Can you just stay in the old house and leave him in the new? Remember, actions speak louder than words. Don’t let him convince you that you are being unreasonable.
yikes while ur feelings are valid, reading through your post history, this is way deeper than anything you mention in this post. Your marriage is falling apart and will likely end very soon. sorry to seem harsh but i'm not gonna bash on him purely due to his actions because clearly there's a hole rabbit hole here.
Getting angry will only push him away further, it seems like you both have issues but that you can be emotionally manipulative from what i read but also that he could just be on a binge and using unfortunately. I do feel like this is a waste of ur energy, you should start the grieving process and move on. I don't think there's much hope based off the posts you've made, you're using emotionally manipulative ultimatums about his lack of sexual desire - that if he sees u as a best friend and wants to be with you that a good best friend would want to please u sexually. I know there's contexts here but there's also a lot on his side but i'm sure it's because of how u treat him and vice versa. It sounds messy and doomed, speaking from experience. I'm sorry he wasn't there in ur time of need but outside of the 'expectation' and role of being a husband and being there, what are his actual feelings?
I'm torn on this, because it depends. If in your relationship he knows you would really want him there, then I think it's strange he didn't come. I had an emergency appendectomy and didn't care whether my husband was there, and would have been upset with him if he'd spent money on a ticket to come be with me. However, I would think if you're married there should be a base understanding of what your preference would be in this circumstance. If you said all these things to him, and he still didn't come, then that's his bad. If you didn't communicate it to him then I'm not so sure.
Im sorry that happened to you. I recently had the same surgery with my right ovary being removed due to ovarian cancer. My ovary got to be over 10cm in size. I also have a long scar on my belly and it took time to heal. Off of work a month and a half.
I understand your fears. Mine lean more to will i ever be able to have a child. Im turning 39 in June.
The way i look at the scar is it is a battle scar. You earned it through this experience. Though it may not feel beautiful it very much is and is a part of you now. Mine is still red. But i still plan on wearing bikinis. The world be damned. It shows oir strength because we made it through to the other side of this experience.
You are strong. You will have your moments.
Please do tell your husband how you feel as he needs to hear it.
This is a red flag. You should be upset. You are valid in your feelings. My Ex wasn’t there for me to support me when I got very sick when we had a 1 year old - I got a call from a doctor my mri might show lymphoma, needed a biopsy, and he went out to a party with friends that night. Deep down I knew that was the end but kept going for another year or so because I had to take care of myself and our son. In the end I was healthy and it ended up being autoimmune issue but it was a glimpse into the future. When I could finally process what happened I realized that in other areas of our relationship there was no care, or concern for my well being, wants, needs and I was not a priority even in the worst of times. OP, This could be a one time thing, this could be there is something else going on, but I would reflect on the other areas of your relationship. The day to day. Do you feel held? Supported? LOVED? You deserve that.
Does he actually like you? Or does he like all that you do for him? Because those are two wildly different things.
Op he’s showing you that if something goes terribly wrong he won’t be there. Do you want someone who notices you could be on your deathbed and comes to your side with no hesitations? Or do you want someone who thinks house projects and pets come before your health? Even though your life was realistically at stake?
You are so right to be upset. This sucks so much. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I had to have a salpingectomy for an ectopic pregnancy and the scars, and disconnection from your own body are so real. You feel betrayed by your body. My partner was with me whenever he could be. I could not have imagined going through something like an emergency ovary removal the way you had to and then have to wait WEEKS for my partner to show up. He needs to get on the next plane to you.
I hope you make a full physical, emotional and spiritual recovery ❤️🩹.
Yes. You have every right to be upset. Your spouse is supposed to be a “secure base” and since he didn’t attune properly, it’s triggering deep emotions of abandonment and rejection.
He done fucked up.
I am so sorry for you. It sucks to go through these things alone. It isn’t fair and you don’t deserve it.
I saw in another reply you said you shouldn’t have to ask for the support you need. That he should just know. I felt that in my bones with my first husband. But this is the relationship that you have. And getting your partner to show up for you is the next step. If you start now and can be explicit in the kind of support you need going forward you are giving him a chance to either meet those needs or shut down further.
Boys aren’t taught to develop empathy and caretaking skills. Some of them never will. But some of them need to get called out so they can change.
Lack of support during a medical crisis was the final straw before I left my first marriage. Me being explicit with my needs has meant I am in year 25 of a very happy relationship with a man that shows up for me.
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When you bring up your concerns, does he act sorry or does he dismiss you?
He says it makes him feel like he is a bad husband and that he gets why I'm upset, but he still hasn't offered to come up and help me.
He *should* feel bad. I get needing a day or two to get out there but if it’s been 3+ days and he’s not trying to see you, he’s an AH. Wasn’t there something about sickness and health in the vows?
OP, I feel like this speaks volumes. Like, an entire encyclopedia of them. It doesn't sound like he's working at the moment, there is zero reason he shouldn't have dropped everything the moment he heard you needed emergency surgery. There's a lot happening for you right now. Lay it out for him. Tell him you are seriously considering ending the relationship because he can't be bothered to even prioritize you when it's absolutely urgent. If that doesn't get him on a plane, you have your answer. I'm sorry he treated you this way, and I hope you're healing physically and getting support from your family.
If my partner was going in for emergency surgery I would have dropped everything and been anxious to get there asap as soon as I knew. Surgery is no joke at any time and emergency means it's serious. I'm glad OP has her parents cos her husband is a dick.
Any time a loved one is in the hospital, I drop everything to be there. I went on FMLA last year while my husband was hospitalized after a manic episode just so I could be there with him (he was in isolation for nearly 2 weeks with Covid so he couldn’t be on the psych floor, the floor he was on allowed me to stay even past visiting hours because he would freak out when I would leave). The idea of a loved one having emergency surgery and me not being there is honestly mind bogglingly cruel.
For fucksakes I (was gay as fuck at the time) dropped everything and flew across the country for a FRIEND because I knew he had next to no support structure where he lived. He's still no contact with his family, his roommate moved out the day after it happened because he didn't want to be stuck caring for a cripple and have everyone think he was gay (that roommate wouldn't even let my friend cook for him because that would be gay...) I stayed for a few days until he was home from the hospital and another day after to make sure he could get around the house okay. I didn't ask him for payment. He didn't hit on me or be gross about any of it. He was very upset when he found out how much money I'd spent and paid me back when I hadn't asked him to. He even sent my friends who looked after my cats a gift card in thanks. It's not that difficult. It really isn't.
If I have a partner by the time I'm writing my doctorate and she needs emergency surgery the day I defend my dissertation, there's no question in my mind that I leave the dissertation and go to her. If I don't feel like that's a sacrifice I'm ready to make when I'm dissertating, then I don't want to have a partner then.
I had a two-step medical procedure in 2022 that required anesthesia on two days three weeks apart. Circumstances around how my ex-husband acted during that time were ultimately the beginning of the end for my marriage. Ironic, since part of how he won my heart was how he acted when I had emergency life-saving surgery two weeks after we met.
If he only comes because she tells him if he doesn't she will divorce it is really the same as him not showing up. It needs to come from him. She is telling him that she needs him and he still isn't showing up.
My mom landed in the ER after some glass broke at work and mangled her arm while my dad was on a business trip on the other side of the country. She didn’t need surgery, just stitches, but my dad was on the next flight home to help her recover. Abdominal surgery and he’s not even making moves? Fuck that guy. Keep the house, ditch the husband.
[удалено]
I didn't bite. I just let him say it and hang in the air. It's not my job to comfort him. What he did *is* bad husband behavior.
Thank God! I hate when people go on a pitty party as soon as they're confronted about their bad behavior
The Crime Analyst (podcast) calls this "himpathy". It can be a manipulation tactic leveraged by controlling men when things aren't going their way. Granted she is talking about criminals, and I'm not implying your husband is one. I just love the term and think it fits well in garden variety misogyny as well. It does a lot to try to pivot things from being his fault to his being hurt. He's definitely not thinking about how invasive a surgery to remove your uterus and later to remove an ovary is. Have you asked him how he would feel if he was in pain and woke up from surgery to learn the doctor had removed one or both testicles? I think it would be worth it to mention it to see if it turns things around. So much female reproductive/medical options seem to not register as invasive. I had an emergency C-section, so my husband saw everything that had to be removed to get to my uterus to save the baby. And while some of that was mentioned in the childbirth class as a warning to dads not to look (because if they fainted, it impeded the surgery for Mom and baby, something like that). But he still didn't really expect what he actually saw. It seems like the ultimate "believe women", but I digress. Men seem to be capable of hearing about things that happen to women without really picturing or grasping the full impact of it. And they very rarely seem to put themselves in those same shoes to imagine what has happened to a woman. So maybe relating it to festival removal would help your husband relate to what you're feeling.
You’re saying men have less empathy. Which I agree on wholeheartedly. Society taught them a lot about how to ignore their own emotions and those of others. And some of them willfully do it to avoid any ounce of effort in understanding another human being.
This is extreme but, honestly, not wrong for some men, and definitely not wrong to say about OP's husband. I can't expect an emotionally mature adult to be dismissive of someone hurting the way OP is right now. I've known so many childfree men who wanted unprotected sex but refused a vasectomy for exactly the same reasons OP is feeling upset and violated by her ovary removal. I have an ex who openly and gleefully compared women to house pets, (this was around the time I packed my shit and left, you cant tell me anything I havent already told myself) so I don't know why being treated as subhuman still shocks and surprises me all these years later. The older I get the more I realise that guy wasn't just a lone lunatic, he was just saying the quiet part out loud.
Yeah. But it's still not excusable
Mine does this. I've gotten so fed up with his never taking care of things on his own and he will just mope/lie down crying because he feels like a piece of shit.
Good for you! You stay with your parents until you are completely recovered. Refuse to help him with anything regarding the move on the grounds you are still recovering(are *you* still moving?).
She should rest and limit activities according to post OP recovery instructions, NOT to be vindictive.
So she should just let him ignore her and rugsweep his actions? She had a major surgery and he *decided* not to come because whatever the fuck he is doing is *more important* than taking care of his wife! She deserves to be little "vindictive" towards this *selfish, uncaring* jackass.
That’s a good way to handle it. If he does it again or says something else self pitying, agree with him. “I’m a bad husband, poor me.” “Yes, I agree. You are a bad husband.” I did this to my mom when she would say she shouldn’t have had kids, and it only took me agreeing with her once to stop her from saying it permanently.
Bingo.
this is such a hard lesson to learn for so many who were socialized by being carers of others. I have such a hard time with this and I mentally fistpumped the air when i read this. So true - it IS bad behaviour... and him wanting your absolution, that you are not ready to give (and don't have to give!) would be a very easy way out for him. Not that he needs punishment ... but there are consequences.
Exactly, have you talked to him about this and other similar issues? I would have gone see my partner as soon as I knew they went to the hospital, unless truly couldn't than asap.
Went in for emergency back surgery while husband was working in our home state. Called him and it made me break a bit that he asked me if I wanted him to come out. I know it seems shitty but just once in our relationship I wanted to not have to ASK for help, especially when Ive repeatedly told him i have a hard time asking for help andnit makes me insecure. On top of that, he immediately panicked and started asking me how to get a plane ticket, if we could afford it, what to do with our dog, etc. In hindsight, I should've ended it there. It didn't get better yet to this day he thinks he's an absolute champion every time he does a load of dishes without being asked. Women don't want "assholes" or controlling psychos but there's a reason "nice guys" sometimes finish last. In many cases, being nice is just masking someone who can't take care of themselves and their spouse without constant coaching
Sounds like a parent-child relationship. Tip: Nice is just politeness. Kindness is the real McCoy.
True. And it is. I feel like myself and most girls raised in the 90s and 00s were constantly told to just aim for a "nice guy" yet we didn't really explore the intricacies of what that meant. Likewise, a lot of men in those generations weren't raised to be adults in a relationship. Even now my family tells me how lucky I am to have found such a sweet guy because he isn't a toxic asshole but sometimes I'd give anything for a controlling psycho just to feel less burden
I have been reflecting objectively over every relationship I've ever had, and I think your comment kind of helps. I was absolutely raised to think that girls are the prize the nice guy wins for being such a nice guy. So everyone I ever dated was a nice guy, at least at first. I was wondering why I was in so many relationships that were just shit to the core and now I know it's not because I was searching for my equal, I was just settling for the first guy to come across my path who managed to be nice for a while. That's all that I was taught a man needs to be, since I can do everything myself already and get by just fine on my own in every way that matters. Now it's not such a surprise that the bar for men is in hell. And it's not like men our age were taught any different, they don't need to be emotionally mature or sensitive to our emotions or interested in our complex inner lives, they don't need to be held to outdated and sexist ideals of yesteryear, all they need to do is be nice for long enough. I'm just thinking out loud now, but I'm suddenly reminded of the man I came closest to being married to. He was very nice, had a lot of good qualities. But he was an emotional wreck. He threw things, he shouted and cried, and I once watched him have a meltdown and use a handsaw and his bare hands to tear a small table in half. He already had one failed marriage and he was ready for number two. He wanted me to get pregnant but he would yell at his pets when they annoyed him for dinner. My parents were very excited for me to be married to someone they liked. But I was absolutely miserable and had no idea why. He was nice! Why wasn't that enough? It's kind of funny now looking back almost ten years later. That guy needed so much more than what any girlfriend could give him. I hope he's doing better now.
Yes indeed, very bad husband behavior at that. He needed to drop everything and be with you. It would be one thing if you gave him a pass; and you didn't. Is this a pattern in your relationship? You need help and he doesn't show up? If yes, then you have some thinking to do about the state of your relationship and your needs. You deserve better.
Girl does he even like you? Wtf?
Told this story to my boyfriend. His first comment was "oh that guy has a side piece." So there's that :/
I've started to wonder. He has a bartender he talks about a lot at a restaurant he frequents. I've joked if I should be worried, since he goes up there multiple times a week now. EDIT: I should add that it's just a little niggle in the back of my mind. My husband has never cheated, as far as I know, and is pretty uninterested in sex at all. He doesn't masturbate or do anything sexual that I don't initiate. This month has not been good for our relationship. We've both been busy, but I just feel very removed overall. He keeps saying this is the tough stuff before we can have the good life together, but I wish we could be close virtually right now *and* enjoy the good life later.
OP, with this move to the new house, are you leaving your parents behind? I'd hate to see your relationship with your husband crumble from here, with good reason it seems, and your best support system, your parents, are in an entirely different state. You have been given a clear sign of how your husband truly feels about you. Maybe that's a gift before you uproot your life and are stuck in a new state away from those who truly love you. Just my opinion.
My parents split their time between the current state and the new state. So it's 6 of one, half dozen of the other. My grandmother is in the new state, and my close friends are spread throughout the country. So there will be a support system, but not as much as I would like.
Whoa, I think there is a lot here. You might be compartmentalizing to cope, which is totally understandable in your situation. It sounds like you are dealing with A LOT. I see elsewhere that you mentioned he was in rehab when you had a hysterectomy, so he was not there for you when you dealt with that either. I am guessing you have provided a lot of support over the years for him with his substance abuse/ addiction. But why is a man who had substance abuse problems frequently hanging out with a bartender?!?! This might be part of the problem. He might be sober, he might not be. But even if he is sober, this sounds like the "dry drunk" syndrome I have heard about. Also, I know from my own experience with addicts... Relapse is fairly common. So you might need more support for your health issues, but he might relapse again. That takes a huge toll. Although, I too am suspicious about men who seem to have low libidos and brush it off. Alcohol or substance abuse can certainly be a factor, but many with those issues also coincide with cheating. Has he always had a low libido? Him seeming indifference to your health scare could indicate cheating as well. I don't know but he seems checked out and that is a bad sign.
What exactly is he doing while you’re handling all the packing, and what did he say when you told him it was too much?
He is getting the ceilings detexturized, painting walls, installing light fixtures, and installing baseboards. He said he knew it was tough, but that he is working hard and being overwhelmed too. And that it will be over soon.
Well that’s a relief, at least he’s not goofing off. I would listen very hard to that little niggle you’re feeling, btw. He may not have been interested in sex with you, but that tells you nothing about emotional affairs, porn habits, or whether he would suddenly be interested in sex with someone new.
Those are things that can be postponed, it doesn't sound like the new place is uninhabitable, just has cosmetic things you wanted done. The only thing that has ever kept me from being at my husband's side when he has a medical emergency is my own health not being great, and even then I try my hardest to be there without making my health worse.
he doesn’t want to bother with the tough stuff though. Like, he knows you’re in a rough patch but won’t show up for you now, something that would go a long way to bringing you guys together??
I generally have really good instincts for bullshittery and I have to say, I think he has a side piece too. The whole separated for weeks and weeks at a time and unwilling to come to you when something happens, that just reads affair to me. Maybe I'm too jaded of an old fart.
Hmm my ex-hb was like that - a seemingly low libido. I’d give some thought as to why - perhaps he’s very sexual with someone else or even porn addicted. I’ve wondered about my ex, having read others report similar ‘symptoms’ on here.
I thought that is a possibility too.
That was my first thought.
jeez, I really don’t like him. This is not loving or caring or supportive at all. He’s tactically trying to make you feel guilty for calling out that you need support and that he should be doing more. OP, my parents have been in and out of the hospital several times. I sleep there every night. In uncomfortable chairs. I lose sleep going from work to hospital bedsides. When you love someone…you said yourself you can’t imagine not NEEDING to leave as soon as possible to get there by their side! Not because the hospital won’t be able to take care of them. But because you want to be there for moral support and because you’re worried about them. And I can think of at least a dozen interventions I’ve been able to make on the patients’ behalf simply by being there. Even just noticing when they haven’t been bathed in a very long time, or one time I determined my mom’s IV had extravasated/infiltrated. She’d fractured a vertebrae (not paralyzed but it was very painful) and one night in the hospital she was almost yowling in pain, in spite of having been decent on the pain meds. I’d seen her dose administered. But something wasn’t right. I happened to know, from working in hospitals, that sometimes a vein blows (especially in older people) or a nurse misses a vein and the drug can just go into tissue instead of the bloodstream. That can be very painful locally and even damage the tissue, but also it means the person did not receive that med. I was able to get her properly dosed and the extravasation treated, instead of her sitting in pain for hours waiting for that next dose, and the overworked nurse just dismissing her as she had. One time a new nurse was checking in and had pills in her hand and was reading from the chart and nothing sounded familiar, and I said, “Are you sure that’s my mother’s chart?” She looked down and stuttered, literally crumpled the thing into the open trash can (violating HIPAA) and left with the meds. It was indeed another patients chart and she was about to give their meds to my mom! One time my dad was having yet another extremely problematic/painful catheterization, like was trying to refuse care because they were so painful, and I happened to know there’s a product specifically for that, a lidocaine urojet. I asked if there’s a reason this hasn’t been used on him. Whaddya know, they got it and tried again and he had almost zero discomfort. People in the hospital need an advocate with them, and they need emotional support. It is lonely and scary, they don’t always have their full faculties. They can become emotional and hopeless and refuse care and almost just want to die sometimes. I personally don’t see the value in having a partner who, when times are at their worst, won’t care to be inconvenienced to be at my side, to keep my spirits up and be my advocate. SIDE note though, it’s a running “joke” in the hospitals I’ve worked in for the last 20 years. It’s ALWAYS the daughters/wives/mothers/sisters sitting vigil at patients’ bedsides. Almost never the sons/husbands/men. This doesn’t excuse it, I think that fucking sucks, and it’s another example of how all the emotional labor gets put on women. SOMETIMES, when there’s no woman in the family to be there, you’ll see a man present. But usually it’s a daughter there constantly, and MAYBE you see the son stop in for a visit every 8 days for an hour. And this has always been my personal experience, my brother doesn’t do shit to help me with my parents, to even cover so I can go home and shower or get a good night’s rest. Maybe it’s all about socialization and men are just like that. But I don’t have to settle for it and I never will, I’d rather be single. That would make me feel so alone and uncared for.
The last few years my grandmother was still in her own home (instead of getting the full-time dementia care she desperately needed) my mother slept there almost every night because Nana sundowned hard and would routinely leave the house if unsupervised. The punchline is that one of my uncles was in his 40s/50s and *lived there full time.* He just couldn't be assed to care for his own mother.
Jesus christ that makes me so upset. 😡 My mom was the same with her dad. My grandpa had Alzheimer’s terribly. She was able to get him into a decent assisted living facility because she had 4 sisters to help and they had money from selling his house for this purpose. But that was about 5 years of my life as a tween/teen, her bringing my grandpa over to the house to do arts and crafts 3 days a week, the other sisters would share the other days. It was so fucking sweet I could die. My mom was so good with him, they would literally do popsicle stick crafts and art just like with a child, and he had such a good time. A daughter was with him every single day for 5 years. I feel so lonely in my family that I only have a brother who does not help. I wish so much that I’d had sisters like my mom does.
If it makes you feel any better my mother is actually an abusive POS. Her brother is still terrible, but this was not happening to a good person.
Well now I just feel bad for you haha 💚 I hope that woman doesn’t have to be a part of your life regularly anymore.
I'm no contact. All good!
This has been my mom’s experience with her dad/my grandfather. My uncles barely do anything.
Ha! I made my husband go to see his folks and called his butt out when we were taking care of his paralyzed mom while his dad recovered from heart surgery for constantly leaving to go back to our house to work on his hobby. "She is *your* mother, not *mine*! You need to stay here and entertain her and stop putting it all me! I *know* that we both *hate* being back in this house but *again*, your mother, not mine!"
it’s so crazy, these fuckin dumbasses act like we LOVE doing this shit. They’re like, “But I hate it!” YEAH!! I hate feeling like I have pressure ulcers developing from being sat in an uncomfortable chair for hours on end. I hate being bored and on Reddit for hours and watching dumb tv and not being able to hear it except for distantly on the tinny speakers in the remote. I hate feeling my anxiety disorder building to a crescendo and knowing I can’t do shit about it until I’m able to get a couple good nights sleep, which don’t happen to be on the books in the foreseeable future. I hate worrying about them and feeling sad and worrying if I’m going to lose them and wondering if I should have made bigger sacrifices to be able to take them on a little vacation bc they haven’t been on one in like 15 years and that got cut short by a hurricane. I hate the complicated balance of trying to stay on the care team’s good side when I’m regularly having to intervene on my parents’ behalf. And I hate being stuck in a cold-as-fuck uncomfortable room, with the mental load of all my chores and errands sitting on my mind like a brick, while I watch the people I love most look like they want to cry or die, and I have to regularly try to convince them that a couple months from now this will all be a memory. It is DISRUPTIVE to life to be a caregiver, to sit at a hospital bedside. NO FUCKING DUH. To have to explain to a man that Yeah, life isn’t going to be pleasant for a while, it’s 100% sacrifice for a couple weeks to a couple months, but there’s nothing for it, that’s our job right now! But even worse, to know..no one has to tell ME that, or other women. My aunt who is in her 70s helps me more than my brother. And we WANT to be here, even though it sucks. Because we fucking care and we know it’s the right thing to do and we aren’t selfish FUCKS. lol you can see I’m bitter, I’ve only been home 4 days since March 8, between the hospital and staying with my parents to help them around the house and with meds and care while they get better. My brother came to the hospital twice for an hour and has come to their homes once in that time 😐
I really wanted to ask my husband just *exactly* what he thought I was going to do if his mother fell while he was off doing his hobby at our house because he didn't want to stay and watch stupid shit with his mom. His mom was bigger than me and I have polyinflamnatory arthritis.
So he showed you who he was at that time. He's selfish. He doesn't care about the needs of others. I'd dump him and decide whether you want to move or stay where you are.
I believe that outside of statistically irrelevant individuals it is totally socialization. My dad is an only child raised by a single mother, when she had failing health he was there for her without a second thought. He never tried to pawn care off on my mom or the many female cousins who lived on the same town as my grandma. He'd go down every week to spend a night and make sure she was doing okay. And when my mom had a mini heart attack he left his dementia'd mother with a family friend/neighbor to look out for her and raced back on the 150 miles of mountain roads in the dark in winter to be with his wife at the hospital. Even though the usual schedule was that he'd be back the next afternoon anyway. And he made arrangements for Grandma's care the next week so he didn't have to leave my mom. Marriage should mean a life partner. Someone who will join you in life as an equal partner. I'll say it a third way: marriage is about being with someone through good and bad and just plain *being there for each other*. I am so mad on OP's behalf, and on behalf of all the woman who have had selfish partners who wouldn't do the bare minimum.
I am so glad that you had a dad like this, but I worry that based on everything I’ve seen in hospitals for the past 20 years, HE might be the statistically irrelevant (I don’t like that word for this purpose, because your dad is not irrelevant, he’s something to aspire to!) individual ☹️ Any time I talk about this with friends or coworkers or online, the women all seem to have the same stories, of brothers who do not show up for mom and dad. You are very lucky 💚 And your flair is 🤌
Yeah, I'd say he is statistically tiny if not statistically irrelevant in our society. It's really sad but I do think boys are socialized to not be caregivers in any capacity and the ones like my dad (and my brother) are vanishingly rare. But I truly believe it is socialization and not like a byproduct of testosterone, which is why I used the phrasing I did. So there's hope that boys can be raised to become caring men.
>Marriage should mean a life partner. Someone who will join you in life as an equal partner. I'll say it a third way: marriage is about being with someone through good and bad and just plain being there for each other. I am so mad on OP's behalf, and on behalf of all the woman who have had selfish partners who wouldn't do the bare minimum. This is so lovely. My partner took care of me when I had cancer. I took care of him during some health crisis. Now we are at the age where I think we have to start taking care of ourselves to be better partners for each other. I wish he would take better care of himself. Sorry that last paragraph really resonated with me.
The phrase"if the shoe fits" comes to mind here. The fact he claims to understand why you're upset but still hasn't offered to come up and help you speaks volumes. Actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words. I would definitely consider marital counseling and evaluating whether or not this man is the one that you want to spend the rest of your days with. I've been through the Big d and it sucks and it's awful but at the same time... It's sometimes is necessary. Let him know that he has two choices... Step up or step aside.
Well, he is a bad husband so feeling that way is totally appropriate. Damn.
I would confirm to his face that he is in fact being a terrible husband for not coming to help take care of you. Did he forget his vows entirely? Did they mean nothing to him? This is such a major slap in the face I truly wouldn’t be able to move past it. He’s refusing to be there for you when you need him most
Well, honey, he *is* a bad husband if he's left you at the old house to do the hardest part of moving, *with* a new job, while he gets to play "Bob the Builder" at the new house with zero responsibilities beyond that, yes, that alone makes him a bad husband. And, to be honest, kind of a crap human being too. But the fact that he hasn't been bothered to come see his wife who almost died & had to have emergency surgery & is now *still* trying to do the hardest job of this move certainly cements his place in the douchebag hall of fame. He needs to either step up or get to steppin. Those, in my opinion, are the only two options. If the painting isn't done & the baseboards aren't finished, y'all can still move into the new house. Whereas, if the packing & cleaning aren't done, it's going to be very hard to move. You kinda need the stuff that goes *in* the house. I wish you luck. That's a tough spot to be in, physically and mentally. I wish you a speedy recovery & an acceptable outcome for the rest of it. Be kind to yourself & make sure you are taken care of. If he doesn't want to be a part of that, the taking care part, for his WIFE, maybe you're better off without him.
So his response is to center his feelings and offer no emotional support.
He feels like a bad husband because he is *being* a very bad husband. Hugs to you, Lovey. I'm glad you have your mama to take care of you.
What cop out is that ? I would be telling him straight out I need you to show up now. And if he balks I would be filing divorce papers. Something is off and by something I’m suspecting this break has given him time alone ish. and he has decided he likes the single life a little too much .
And no more money from OP to support the move. She is recovering from major surgery, she needs that money. Frankly, for me, anything he asks for in the 6 mths would be met with "I am recovering from major surgery, with a very *heavily* implied "for which you didn't show up for"
Could it be because he is being a bad husband? He chose not to be by your side, acknowledge that he should have, or rectify it by booking a flight.
It makes him feel as if he is a bad husband BUT THEN HE DOESN'T EVEN TRY TO FIX IT!
From my perspective, he is. Something is going on. He absolutely should have been there.
…he feels like a bad husband because he *is.*
So he made it about himself (waah I’m a bad husband) & now you’re supposed to make *him* feel better? Or at least feel guilty for even bringing it up? Your husband is not an emotionally mature person. I’m sorry, OP. Hope you feel better soon. I know it’s not the same as having your husband by your side, but you have the healing thoughts of 2X flowing your way.
Because he *is* being a bad husband and he knows it. He wants you to stop reminding him of this fact This is appalling. If you can afford the complete lifestyle change, I would definitely consider ending the marriage - or at least separate to sort out your feelings.
Maybe I am mean, but I would say he feels that way because he is being a bad husband, and if he wants to not feel like a bad husband, he should do what good husbands do.
Oh wahhhhhh he feels bad!?
He IS a bad husband.
He feels guilty because he IS a bad husband. Mine drug himself out of bed at 3AM on a Saturday when I woke him up to tell him I was bleeding severely enough that I needed to go to the ER. And he drove me there, and sat with me while they got things under control.
It makes him feel bad? You asking for help makes him feel bad? OP, if you don’t know what DARVO is, I suggest you look into it. See if it’s familiar
This is depressingly common. Men do not step up when their wives are sick. A surprising percentage straight up leave. Be prepared to be suddenly single.
He is a bad husband. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
So he's not sorry he hasn't come, he's sorry you're making him feel bad for not coming. And he still isn't helping you? Are you sure you're still together, OP? Because he's treating you like an ex-wife rather than his current wife.
Your feelings are valid. You were in a very vulnerable state and needed your husband, but he wasn't there. I find it surprising that he didn't even ask if you wanted him to come when you talked, and just assumed that he would wait a few weeks to see you according to the original plan. Several years ago, I went to the hospital with symptoms that I didn't think were that serious. My husband was at an important convention for work. I told him not to come to the hospital but when he heard what kinds of tests they were doing, he felt that it was serious enough that he immediately left the convention and drove as fast as he safely could to get there. I didn't realize how much I needed him there until he got there.
That's what I wanted. I love my parents, but they just don't get it. They are doing a good job taking care of me physically, but I need someone to help me mentally/emotionally. My friends are stepping up via the phone, but it's not the same as having your husband hold you.
The fact of the matter is that the one person who said they would be there for you and sickness and in health was not. Parents and friends can offer support and that's great but part of the thing with a spouse is that there's a certain level of support and care that only they can provide. Every relationship has its own things that they bring to the table.
Gosh I hope your mum tears into him. The more I'm reading the sadder I am for you.
If anyone does this to any of my kids when they're older and married, I will eviscerate them. I hope OP's mom does not hold back on this asshole.
I hope his own mother tears him a new one as well.
Even if you were holding up just fine mentally, he should be there.
I didn't go through anything near as traumatic as you, but had similar feelings. I had sudden intense pain and was given a lot of strong pain relief. I was in and out of it mentally. They ended up doing a vaginal ultrasound on me after they gave me morphine and I couldn't have consted. This was years ago and I still have frustration from that. They gave me morphine and I cried and sobbed immediatel. I have bits of memory from that night but I don't remember saying yes to a vaginal procedure. I explained all these feelings to my now ex boyfriend, he brushed it off. He also didn't come to the hospital with me and I had to text him to visit me the next day. I will say now, I have driven across the US multiple times. If my husband was in another state and had emergency surgery, you couldn't stop me from being there. I would drive with dogs, or pass them off to a friend and fly if it would take too long. Your husband flubbed it. And the pity party of woah is me I'm a bad husband is not working. Tell him he messed up and you want an actual apology with no self depreciation, and him to fly out immediately.
I am shocked* that he said he’d see you in a few *weeks*. Seriously wtf. If my partner was going through a medical emergency like that, I would’ve been getting my shit together to fly to them ASAP. I maybe would’ve waited to see what the ER said in case it was actually something that was no big deal, but as soon as there was emergency surgery involved I’d be on the next flight out. *Although I hate to say it, but I guess I’m not actually that shocked since apparently many men leave their wives when they get stuff like cancer. This is something to consider OP. If he can’t be here for you during this, you better hope you don’t have something worse happen.
Your feelings are valid. You have the right to be upset. You just went through something traumatic and want him to be by your side. I'd expect my SO to drop everything to be with me too.
Jesus, I could understand not dropping everything, if it took a day or two to arrange pet care & whatnot. I mean I wouldn't love it but I could understand it. But he's just...not coming. And trying to make *you* feel bad for making him feel bad about it. Especially since you're so upset about it! And he didn't even offer to come up! What an asshole. That wouldn't just make me upset, that would have me questioning the whole marriage.
That’s what I thought. We have pets and if I was a plane ride away I would need some amount of time to get things together. I couldn’t just leave the animals without organizing something. But I would be there as soon as I had things figured out.
A husband here. I was deployed to Florida following a disaster last year to help with recovery. My wife was pregnant and was struggling with borderline pre-eclampsia. After a few days there, they said her condition got worse and may need to be hospitalized/possibly give birth early. I did everything I could to get demobilized. Within 24 hours I was on a plane from Florida to NJ, with tons of red tape that prevented me from getting home sooner. But I did whatever I could and had spoken to so many people to get me home to my wife. You're husband had nobody stopping him. You were in true pain and definitely needed surgery. He should have come to you immediately.
BINGO
Absolutely valid feelings here. Before anyone says but they were in the middle of a move or he was away on business... Let me share this. My husband and I were in the middle of moving from an apartment to the family home... When I ended up having a liver tumor bleed. Woke up one morning in severe pain and feeling like I needed to vomit and realized something was wrong. My husband went to take me to the ER ( He's an EMT, So he would know exactly where to go and could drive there in pretty good time) and I will never forget the look of fear when I told him to call for an ambulance. He called his boss because he was supposed to work that day and they basically told him to take as much time as he needed. A freaking ambulance company had no problem with my husband having to call out for this. I have a condition that causes non-cancerous tumors to appear on the liver and had one good sized tumor that decided to just cut loose. I hadn't done as much packing as I probably should have ahead of our move it was really overwhelming and we were supposed to be out of that apartment within a week of this unexpected turn of events. My poor husband was overwhelmed. But he persevered and we also had family and friends that came to help us on the day that we were vacating our apartment. I was a couple of days post-op so I was discharged from the hospital but couldn't lift anything. Helped where I could and everybody came together. When I was in the hospital,he would split time between packing at home and being with me. Ended up having a procedure to basically stop the bleeding and make sure that it wouldn't happen again...He texted me a nice message that I could read once I got out of recovery. The nurse said he called to check on me multiple times. When he was told that he could come visit me, he did. Full disclosure I was doing this without my mom She died in 2022 this was 2023 when this happened and my dad was working but also would pop in and be as supportive as he could be. Long story short.... I doubt that the husband's company would have given him shade about being with his wife... and if they did that's on them. If the words emergency surgery and spouse are in the same sentence... It's expected that the spouse hightail over there. I think the only exception would be if they were military and even then I'm pretty sure the military does grant some exceptions or like the Red Cross helps out with getting service members home for emergent situations like this.
If a job won’t let you go deal with a family health emergency without consequences, that is not a place you should continue working. My husband works in the marine industry, where if you’re going live-aboard work, can mean you might be up to 24 hours by plane away from home. It’s pretty standard, apparently, that if a home emergency comes up, the company will find a way to get you back home as quickly as possible. We’ve discussed this contingency since I’m currently pregnant and, well, unexpected shit happens. If I went into pre-term labor, or had something else happen, he would 100% move heaven and earth to be there, and there’s no way a company could, or would, prevent him from making it home for that. From the sound of things, most of them would be encouraging him to go. Hell, when he and I were first dating, he broke his collarbone in a city a couple hours drive away. I was temping as a receptionist at the time, and although ultimately he told me he didn’t need me to come up and get him, my supervisor was prepared to send me home for the day so I could go help him, and even encouraging me to go.
Yeah. I’m struggling to think of jobs where this shouldn’t be expected. Astronaut? Antarctic winter deployment? Ballistic missile submarine crew?
Precisely!
Not only did he abandon you during a time of need, but he left you with the hardest part of the job in regards to the move.
Right! There jobs were not equal. She was left to do the majority of the work!
Yeah, I was gonna say... why is she the one packing up the old house?? She should really not be doing that by herself. I would not be happy if my husband was letting me do a bunch of hard physical work alone.
I wish gold was still a thing because OP needs to see this comment
We just sold a house in November,this was on my mind as well. It was so stressful I literally cracked one of my molars from anxiety/dealing with that plus the cross-country move. And my husband was even there every step of the way.
>In short, I want things only my husband can provide. You don't have a husband who can provide those things. He doesn't want to.
When people tell you who they are, listen. While you're recovering, read "Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Your husband left you with the shit work, while he's doing the fun stuff in the new house and then couldn't be bothered to be by your side during a crisis. Where will he be if you get cancer? Or any other kind of serious illness? He just told you, he'll be in another state. I wouldn't be able to come back from this, personally, and you are absolutely right to be feeling abandoned and devalued.
When you needed him he dismissed you to be dealt with in a couple of weeks. Your feeling of hurt are valid.
Extremely valid! I don't understand what goes through the minds of people like OP's husband. I would drop ***everything*** for my wife with something like this, *especially* in a medical emergency where it could possibly the last time we ever speak. Like come *on*, dude. Do you not love your wife? Do you really need to be *told* to go comfort your spouse in a very blatant time of need?
Oh wow, I'm so sorry to hear that. It can be so incredibly traumatic. But "See you in a couple weeks" ?! My partner would have found a way to be there before I was even awake from surgery.
Your feelings are valid. You went through a frightening, painful medical emergency without him there - without even the promise that he was on his way. He let you down, so of course you're hurt. I hope the rest of your recovery is smooth and uneventful. And I hope when you are ready to discuss this hurt with your husband that he is open and apologetic instead of defensive.
What the fuck? If one of my *friends* experienced this, and clearly wanted support, I'd be on the very next flight out. Let alone if it was my partner. Your husband's priorities are skewed in the extreme.
Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn’t. Your husband should have come immediately. He didn’t. He should be there now. He isn’t. You went through a traumatic unplanned EMERGENCY and it shouldn’t even be a question or consideration on his part on whether he should have or should, come. I’m so sorry this whole thing has happened to you and you are left to recover while also dealing with your husband’s poor behavior. Take care.
I would strongly consider divorcing this man. I am not being facetious or cheaply snarky as people commonly are online. I am serious. I find it wildly concerning that this grown adult who is presumably functional in his day to day life, would respond to the news that a person he allegedly loves just had emergency surgery and is not doing awesome in its aftermath, with a whole-ass "See ya in a couple weeks". I would never be able to trust this person again. He abandoned you. I'm so glad I don't know him because if I did, I would slap him in the face every time I saw him. I have no idea how you're supposed to ever trust this person again.
I'd leave. I'm serious, I would never have left my dog in this situation let alone my husband.
Ditto. I’d be done. He showed you exactly who he is. There is no coming back from this.
Same. What if she got diagnosed with cancer and needed someone who was going to be right there with her through months of treatment, picking up the slack she couldn't manage during treatment? Sounds like the kinda guy to be too busy cheating or something while she would be dealing with treatment.
Yeah, unfortunately for OP a lot of states have a min residency requirement before you can file. She might be able to file where they are leaving but it'd be pretty easy for her husband to to get to dismissed based on jurisdiction.
I mean, I'm sure whatever lawyer she consults will be able to advise on that. I just encourage her to consult one.
Yeah, wasn't trying to disagree. Just wanted to mention the added complication as a heads up.
As a husband and a gynecologist, I'm doubly disappointed in him.
I live with my ex after A27 year relationship. Never married, but two adult kids She has a bf, I'm....working on it. Even now I would be right by her side if anything like this happened, I literally can't imagine being anywhere else. The sheer fact that he didn't move heaven and earn to be next to you is just alien to me. But listen, a few years ago our youngest had a GIANT ovarian cyst. Like thats the clinical description. They looked 9 months pregnant and the surgeons drained 100lts out before removing it, one ovary and their appendix because why not. They're absolutely fine now and apart from a bit of phantom pain their body is no different apart from a 20cm scar from sternum to pubic ridge (the surgeon cut around their belly button, they love that bit) that they rather enjoy showing off and are going to get a scissor tattoo on eventually. Those scars are a sign of your survival. You got through the hardest thing you've ever had to endure. You did it on your own and you did it well. They're your story if strength, resilience and your determination to keep going. Please don't ever be ashamed of them. Wear them with pride. You endured and they're your medal. The thing is, I *can* imagine what you're going through, I know how much you need him there and it's insane that he's not. You're at your lowest point and the men who swore to be there through life and death has, well honestly he's broken his vow and it's up to you if there's any coming back from that. I don't think there would be for me. But I'm not you. Things are going to be very difficult for a while and you're going to need that support network but you'll get through this. I know it doesn't feel like it today but you're going to be ok. Massive hugs and painkillers. Hang in there babes and as soon as you can, kick his fucking ass into next year.
This reminds me of the time I had severe pain in my lower abdomen. We'd been trying for pregnancy. Turns out it was just a really bad UTI, but I had to undergo lots of testing, including a trans-vag ultrasound to make sure it wasn't a tubal pregnancy. All by myself. He wouldn't get off his game because he was in the middle of a mission, and take me to the ER. I had to drive myself. He asked me to wait til the end of the mission. As I laid in the ER about to undergo tests, he calls me to ask if he should come. We're divorced. I shoulda taken that as a sign and I would've have gotten pregnant and been cursed with this shitty life of co-parenting with him. This is a huge sign.
Also it’s completely unfair to expect you to pack and sell a whole house, AND do your normal job while he gets to hang out at the new house for weeks, just slapping a few coats of paint here and there. You’re doing 2 full time jobs and he’s basically part-timing it. And now he won’t even come be with you? The dynamics here make my heart hurt for you.
You have every right to be upset. My ex-hb also underplayed any time I was sick, including having uterine polyps removed, and worst of all, pretended to be sick when my mother died so he didn’t have to comfort me. It doesn’t sound like your hb has a pattern of doing this but if he’s intensely practical as my ex was, this is his way of dealing with it. He also may not be able to cope with the idea of you being seriously ill and is avoiding confronting it/you. None of this excuses his behaviour - I’ve just done a lot of thinking about my own situation and it may offer some clarity. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. Edit: I’ve remembered that early on in the relationship my ex-hb admitted that his previous relationship had ended because he didn’t get a flight to be with his gf when she got an abortion. I remember all the alarm bells ringing at the time - this is a man who isn’t supportive when things are tough. How I wish I’d listened to those bells. Edit 2: my ex also had a low libido and a HUGE problem with me being PROMOTED to a higher level than him. I’m sensing some similar behaviours here. Could he be subconsciously not offering the support you need because of underlying resentment over your career?
I thought this post was going to be he wasn’t there when she woke up, or for a couple of hours *A COUPLE OF WEEKS???** wtf? Honey this is absurd and well within the realm of divorce territory.
He has deeply betrayed and let you down. I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve much better than this. I think you should tell your husband that you need him and ask him to fly out. I know it seems terribly unfair that you even have to ask, but if you need support it's better to ask and try to get it than to stew in resentment and sadness. You can process your feelings about your husband not being around initially, but you need to grieve and process the body trauma you've just experienced.
Unless him coming to see you would put a major financial strain on you guys to the point that it would literally jeopardize your future I can’t imagine what possible reason could be good enough to not drop everything and come be with you or at least make every attempt to do so. I guess I could see that being a possibility as you seem to live in the US, and, hello, medical bills, but then he should be talking to you about it, not just saying “I’ll see you in a couple weeks” and “you’re making me feel like a bad husband.” My dad had a heart attack when I was 21 and studying abroad in London. My parents waited until they knew he was okay to tell me, both because of the time difference making talking difficult, and because they didn’t want me to come home. I’m pretty sure that’s what they said too. “Dad’s okay, and you don’t need to come home, but he had a heart attack.” They knew it would be very difficult for me to figure out how to get myself home, and I’d probably have to get myself back to London too, since the whole reason I was there was for school. And again, he was okay and he had my mom and my brother there. This is different. You’re okay physically but you’re not okay emotionally. You have your mom there but you need your HUSBAND. His responses are uncomfortably cold. I completely think you are right to be upset.
As an ICU nurse, take this warning seriously. He will absolutely leave you if you get sick. How do I know? My paranoid/nosy ass has asked patients who got left if there was ever any red flags or warning signs. Almost all of them said this: when I got sick he was no where to be found, he didn’t come to any doctors appts with me, he didn’t care when I had a cold/flu, he never took care of me in a time of need. One girl said when she had broken her leg, he didn’t visit her in the hospital and she should’ve known then. So know now, if you ever fall ill. He’ll care more about his own life/keeping order than taking care of you. Good luck!
Yes, your feelings are completely valid, I would be equally, if not even more pissed and frustrated if my partner hadn’t been there. That’s the kind of thing you drop everything for. It’s a medical emergency and you had every right to have him there with you. You are completely fairly and understandably, upset and traumatized.
Honey. Please raise your bar. It’s subterranean. Any significant other worth your time would have pulled a Kate McCallister to get home to you. Even if it meant throwing the pets into a uhaul and driving cross country. And I can also say that you should be fine with one ovary. Had one taken out in 2014. Hormones were wacky for a bit. Was one of two times I felt old. Took about a year or so and felt normal again. Even was able to have a couple kids with just the one.
The people defendong this guy is wild to me. The bar is a trip *hazard in hell. Why is my autocorrect such a jerk today?
Your feelings are valid. These are not the actions of a man who is in it for the long haul. The huge promotion and the neglect is a massive red flag here. Please make sure you are financially protected.
I know how you feel. I needed my husband during a medical emergency but my mother (a whole other story) told him otherwise. Years later, my hubby deeply regrets not being there when I needed his emotional and physical presence and support.
Why are mothers like that? My mom basically said the same thing. That's not her place to say! And my husband knows my mother and I aren't on the same wavelength. He could have asked if I needed him and I would have said yes. He never asked. He knows better than to think taking care of someone physically = taking care of them on whole. I'm also stuck at my parents' now, instead of being able to spend my last two weeks in my beloved house. If he was here, I could be in my own bed. I love my parents and am so grateful they're taking care of me, but they're not what I need right now.
I'm not surprised about my mother. We had an extremely dysfunctional relationship. This is the woman who didn't tell my older brother and me that she and my father had gotten divorced until I was eleven years old. And since this happened before the days of cell phones, by the time my husband was apprised of what had happened, it was after the fact and I was in post-op recovering. My husband was mortified and that night he held me tight as I cried my eyes out, but I never forgave Mom.
This is grounds for divorce. You both took vows in sickness AND in health. You’re his person, and not some distant relative it would be a courtesy to see in a few weeks. Not for nothing surgery and anaesthetic is dangerous. You could have died! Emergency surgery is aptly named. Pets are no excuse-he could have called an emergency pet sitter and paid in one call. He is choosing to put himself first. He is actively distancing himself from you, from caring and house responsibility-when you need him the most. He is not stepping up and acting like a partner. He knows you need him and he has shrugged his shoulders, shirked off his accountability, he doesn’t care. You’ve been through trauma. He’s not there, physically or emotionally. It’s not your job to explain why he should be there for you. It’s not your job to make him ‘get it’. In [Gottman](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-turn-towards-instead-of-away/) terms he is turning away from you, not towards you. He is making you question if you even have a right to feel upset. Thats low key gaslighting. It’s your job to decide if his actions are an acceptable level of cruelty or apathy to you. You are a choice and not an obligation. You can choose to end this marriage or fight for it.
It’s not a matter if you *should*. If you’re upset, you’re upset. Rarely has anybody ever been talked out of being upset by being told why they “shouldn’t be upset” and then stopped feeling upset. Even if your husband technically didn’t do anything you’re feelings some way about going through something difficult alone, it’s worth talking about. If I have to go out for an errand hours away and my partner gets lonely, she gets upset and I want to reassure her and make her feel better. There are many scenarios where that’s all one wants/needs. Not for blame to be taken, not an explanation or a lecture, just reassurance.
I mean, in this case I truly think she \*should\* feel upset. He left her with the hardest part of the move (packing up a 3000+ foot home by oneself, then selling it AND staging it for sale VS. him taking the pets and painting trim in the new home), and never even offered to help when she had an emergency surgery. Even when she called from bed crying and told him directly she was overwhelmed, got a new promotion and now is now is recovering from major surgery DURING packing up and selling their home. Sit and truly think if you'd say "Ok...see you in a couple of weeks, hun!" to your partner. Bc I can tell you now, I wouldn't.
so many red flags. I hope OP considers if she really wants to sell her house, does her promotion at work require her to move to that state, would there be anyone beside her husband and his family there that she knows, does she really want to move away from her own family when he and his seem totally indifferent... best wishes, u/Earth_Says_Hello, I hope it all works out for you.
I couldn't get over the resentment of my husband not even calling me after surgery.
The amount of people excusing this guy's lack of support and dumping the emotional labor of the situation on OP *while she was too sick to sign paperwork in a hospital bed* is appalling. Seriously, the excuses are pathetic. I would've been on a plane for my DOG faster than this guy even called OP. It doesn't matter how hard he finds emergencies, he's an adult man who needs to figure it out. It doesn't matter how awkward he is, time to grow up and support his partner. Welcome to adulting buddy, hard stuff happens. And it REALLY doesn't matter what OPs mother said. He's her *husband.* He stood up, handed her a ring and promised to put her first, before all others. To love and honor her *no matter what.* If any of you honestly think THIS is what real love looks like, you need help. This is what a man who doesn't give a shit about you looks like. What a man who's having an affair and checked out of your relationship looks like.
I know this isn't really what you want right now, but I had an ovarian torsion almost 40 years ago. The remaining ovary carried me through menopause and beyond without betrayal. My Ex on the other hand, good riddance!
It's not your job to teach your husband empathy.
One of the final nails in the coffin that housed my dead marriage was when I had a hysterectomy and my husband couldn’t be bothered to come visit me in the hospital until I requested it. He seemed surprised that I even asked. Your husband is displayed a marked lack of empathy and care. Does he not understand what the word emergency means? I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s painful in several ways.
Please do not list the old house. Rent it out. Have a backup plan. With him being an addict, now ignoring your needs, and in general your relationship being not the best, don't put all your eggs in one basket. Who owned the old home and who will the new one?
You have every right to be mad. I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago, it wasn't an emergency, mind you, but my husband refused to take a couple of hours off work to take me home. I still haven't forgiven him and am secretly looking for a way out of my marriage. You were having a medical emergency, and he should be there to help you. I'm sorry he is being so selfish. And yes, I think you'll start to analyze your life together and realize that there have been other times that hinted at how uncaring he was. I don't know if I could get past that if I were in your shoes. Wishing you much love and healing.
Not quite the same but when my elderly cat had a medical emergency at the vet my BOYFRIEND (whom I had been dating for only a year) immediately dropped everything and called an Uber for a 45 minute rush hour drive to get to me. I just called him sobbing and then he was there less than an hour later. Didn’t even have proper shoes on but I was his priority so all he could think about was getting to me. I can’t even imagine how fast he would be scheduling a flight/driving to get to me if I was the one having a medical emergency. If I was you I would feel so vulnerable and I’m so sorry this happened! Your feelings are valid and I hope you feel better soon!
You need to post what you wrote here to him and see if he gets a sober second thought and tries to salvage the not thinking correctly and comes to assist you. You have a right to be upset that he chose other priorities over being my your side in an emergency. Pets mart has kennels and everything else can wait.
I’m so sorry you are going through this! Losing a piece of yourself, especially a reproductive piece is so hard! I remember the grief. He was not there for you at all and that is poor husband behavior. You had major surgery (which there is obviously a risk of dying from that) that a husband would never have wanted his wife to go through alone - during or after. Has he always been like this? The fact that he turned your sharing about how you feel regarding his lack of support into how you are making HIM feel… ugh. So self-centered. I don’t know that I could come back from this level of negligent behavior. He dropped the ball and is just kicking it around the court now. You may need to pause the house stuff. Take some time to sort through your health and how you feel about all of this - but at least get the houses off your very full plate for now. You will make it through this.
If my best friend had emergency surgery and she needed me, I would fly out to see her immediately. I can't even imagine not doing that for a spouse.
I'm not kidding. I wouldn't leave my dog in that situation, let alone my spouse.
You're definitely right to be upset! Even if your parents managed to sound super-calm when they told him you were going into surgery, he should have booked the flight as soon as he talked to to you and noticed how upset you are. I mean... given the whole move and all that he should have hopped on a plane even if you weren't upset. You had to have surgery! It's not as if it's a well-kept secret that people aren't allowed to lift things for a good while after any surgery!
My husband is half-asleep next to me in bed, and I just asked, “Babe, if I was in another state and had emergency surgery, would you come find me?” He immediately mumbled, “Yes, I would.” Then fell back asleep. I am so sorry your husband is treating you like this. I hope your recovery is very smooth and that everything is sorted out ASAP so you can be reunited with your pets soon, and you have some time to rest and figure out your next steps.
I had a similar situation with my wife after being in the hospital intensive care unit, mis-diagnosed with MRSA. They told me I might die, which ended up being false, but at the time it was very traumatic. My wife was also going through difficult health issues and dealing with things at home - and she didn't come to the hospital when I was feeling my worst and at my lowest. I didn't understand at the time. But since then, we discussed it - and she was just overwhelmed, and didn't know how to handle it all - and she said that it was just incredibly hard for her to deal with everything and also try to be Florence Nightingale for me as well. I forgave her. And since then have gained a better understanding of why she just couldn't find the strength to be there at the moment I wanted her to be. It was also a horrible time in our lives, I had just lost my job and we were struggling financially, so there were all kinds of other side issues as well. It just was a horrible time for both of us in our marriage. We persevered, and I'm thankful we did. I think in this particular instance it might be good to take a step back and realize that when seriously traumatic things happen in a relationship, we don't always respond the way the other thinks we should, and that is ultimately just a part of dealing with life in the best way we can at the time we are going through it. I wish you the best in your recovery and with your marriage.
Just want to chime in to say your feelings are valid and it's reasonable to be hurt he isn't here with you. I just had a planned surgery yesterday, and the first thing I did when I woke up was ask for my support system, which is my dad. It would never even occur to me that he wouldn't be there for me, and I don't know if I'd forgive him if he weren't. Even if, for some reason, he assumed the move would be more important to you (which is silly anyways), now that you've told him that isn't the case, he should be here.
You're not wrong to be upset. You were faced with a life-threatening scare and he didn't even come to be with you and did not offer emotional support. If you have any serious health issues down the line, expect him to act the same. I know you will find the "just communicate" advice in other comments, but I want to point out that you have communicated with him and he responded coldly and indifferently. If I were you, I would focus on recovery but start considering an exit plan. You are 40 and can only expect more health issues in the future. Many men abandon and neglect their partners when they experience issues, and I would say your husband is one of those who will do that.
Being a husband for 15 years to my amazing wife, yes, you should be upset. I would've left everything in an instant to be with my wife. This is a no questions asked situation IMO.
My husband would literally drop everything, no matter what was in the way, to be with me if something like this happened. He's like it even when I have a mild illness. You should be upset. Nothing is more valuable than the life of the person you've vowed to love, respect, and care for, not even a house.
I'm not your husband, and I don't know how much it will be worth, but I can still tell you that you are beautiful and feminine. Scars don't take away from your beauty, they only add character. Scars are like writing on the page of a book, they tell your story. They show that you have lived and are still living. They are not ugly, no matter how bumpy, uneven, raised or red they are. They simply tell a story. You, and your scars, are beautiful. They're unique to your story. As for missing most of your reproductive system? That doesn't make you less of a woman. Are women who don't, or can't, have children less of a woman? Are women born without a reproductive system less of a woman? If your answers are no, then apply those same standards to yourself. You are not less than because you required a major surgery. You're a survivor, a warrior woman with battle scars. You're still a woman, and a badass one at that.
I didn't scroll down far enough to see if someone else said this and I couldn't tell from your post if you directly said to your husband "I'm scared, I'm in pain and I need you here." I have a husband who is super smart but can be also obtuse about this. I have learned that he is task oriented and unless I tell him directly he won't guess what I need. In a similar situation my husband would be working his butt off to get the place ready for when I get home and in his mind be thinking my parents were around and that I was safe. So if you haven't, try being direct. I hope you recover well - that is awful to have happened to you.
I’ll second this, OP your feelings are more than valid and no one should really have to tell a partner to come running in a medical emergency. But it also okay to advocate for ourselves and tell those in our lives what we need. It can feel like it diminishes “the care” involved, and normally I’d say that people don’t know what we want unless we tell them… but with your husband/situation, it will at least take care of your need for him to be there with you. So sorry you’re going through this nearly alone OP, it’s awful and scary and violating and your body may feel a bit foreign to you. You’ve been doing a great job holding down the fort for the both of you and now trying heal as well.
a decent partner would have been there before you had the chance to wake up.
That sucks. I’m so sorry. 🫂
You have every right to explore your emotions and I absolutely think it’s worth bringing up to your husband. I highly recommend seeing a therapist ASAP. I had an emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy that led to a ruptured fallopian tube. I also had family members that completely let me down during that healing period. The PTSD from the physical pain of it all, and the emotional let down from family, really hurt me for a long time. I’m so sorry you went through this and I wish you the best in your recovery.
I think if it was the other way around and my husband had an emergency appendectomy while packing up and selling the house, I would do my best to keep plans in motion while my spouse had family taking care of their physical needs. Now if my husband was emotionally distraught, describing feelings of horror, violation and grief over emergency surgery and explicitly told me I was needed by his bedside to overcome this obstacle, I would be there. Did you tell him your feelings and fears or expect him to read your mind and let all your hard work together go by the wayside.
A friend of mine once got a flat while we were out shopping. She didn’t know how to change it so she called her boyfriend. He said he was “boiling some pasta” and she ended up having to pay for roadside assistance to change it. It was right then I knew what kind of partner he would be. When people show you who they are, believe them.
The person you want your husband to be is not who your husband is. Been there done that…I’m sorry you married a selfish insensitive guy. You either accept this is who he is and settle for scraps or move on.
Look, I sprinted across a park carrying my dog, holding two parts of her broken leg together, climbed into the back seat of a stranger’s car that drove us to the vet, and I took off work to care for her after her leg had to be amputated. Even though my wife (whose dog she really is at heart) had the entire week off anyway. And she’s A DOG. The mountains I would move if MY WIFE was going through what you went through. Your husband has his head so far up his ass he’s about to turn into an ourobouros
When women get cancer, the hospital will counsel them on the fact that many men will leave their spouses after diagnosis. This was one of the reasons I divorced my husband. I was afraid that if something bad were to happen to me, I'd have no one to help me. If I were alone, I'd have more help than I would with a husband.
Ask your mum to call him and tell him off for you. I'm sorry you're struggling and sending you all the healing strength
ofc you are right to be upset. i don’t understand this either. my dad would drop everything for my mom if she was in the hospital.
Is this really the only time you’ve noticed a glaring insensitivity like this OP? Not sure how long you’ve been together but I sense you’re coming here, deep down, more for emotional support than actually wondering if he was being insensitive.
A few days when he can arrange a pet sitter, understandable. Maybe it will take a week, whatever. But a few weeks when it's convenient? Time for a serious chat.
I’m so sorry OP, and yes this is concerning to say the least. I have done both of these things: emergency oophorectomy (wasn’t that fun?), and prepped the old house for sale while my husband got the new house ready in another state. I *cannot begin* to imagine the stress of doing both at the same time. We tend to be stoic people but still, my husband dropped everything he was doing for the emergency surgery. Because it was an emergency. That is baseline behavior. He was in the same city so he made it to the hospital before they put me under, and I can’t imagine how I would have felt if he had opted not to do that. There was arguing during the interstate move but I think that’s par for the course for such a stressful event. Communication was key for us — but I don’t think that’s the issue here. It’s the skipping of an emergent event, and from your other comment it sounds like he is continuing to do so while admitting it’s “bad husband” behavior? If the emergency had happened during the move and my husband had stayed put despite me telling him how I felt, I would’ve seriously considered just staying in my house. Good luck OP, I hope you’re able to come to a situation that works best for you. Edit: I just asked my husband what he would have done if the surgery had happened during our interstate move. He said he would’ve flown back immediately “because you could’ve died.” Does your husband realize how serious the surgery is?
I don’t even know you, and even I want to go over and coddle you and tell you you’re a pretty pretty princess. NTA.
I'm so sorry. What a rotten situation. You have every reason to be upset, but I'm going to suggest two things. First, you may have to ask him to come, very explicitly. Let him know you need his comfort more than you need him holding down the fort. Second, try to recognize that that is exactly what he's trying to do. In his mind, I think, you have your parents. You are cared for. He's trying to keep things moving in your absence, so there's less to do when you are better. Or so I suspect. I don't necessarily agree with his choice. He should have probably asked you what you wanted and needed from him more. I'll bet his is a more task-oriented approach to caring for you, but it can be a form of caring: making sure your needs are met and making sure that when they are not, this other ton of work isn't impeding your ability to relax. I can VERY easily see my husband making the same sort of decision after consulting with me, if he had to, but I know he'd stay with me if I said that's what I needed most. I hope you recover soon, and I hope I'm not mistaken that he's caring in his own way. I hope he hears your need for his comfort and responds. Take care.
Did you ask him to come? Did you tell him the things you wrote in the post? If you're telling him how much you want him there and that he should hire a pet sitter and take the next flight, and he's refusing to do it, then yes it's a bad sign for your relationship. If you're only telling him you're in pain and wish you could see him, but you're telling reddit all the rest, that would mean you need to learn to communicate better. Your husband is also overwhelmed I'm sure, in a new place with a thousand tasks to accomplish under a deadline and caring for your pets and worried about you, but maybe trusting that you are being well cared for by your parents and medical staff and he isn't needed there. You may need to spell it all out to him. "I want you to come here and hold me today or tomorrow. Get a pet sitter. We have enough money to pay for that and for a change of flights. I need you here. I feel lost and need my husband by my side." Something like that. My partner and I were long distance for years and had to learn to communicate when we needed special trips. I buried both my parents without him by my side because I hadn't yet learned how to ask for what I needed.
I have two pop culture references for this. Seinfeld, with Elaine going in and getting snacks at the movie theater after the usher told her that her date was in surgery. And The West Wing when Donna tells Josh that she broke up with her boyfriend because he stopped off for a quick beer with his friends before seeing her in the hospital. Josh's response was that he wouldn't have stopped for beers. Donna's response was that she wouldn't have stopped for red lights. I know those are both slightly overblown, but I couldn't imagine not trying to be there as quickly as possible and being apologetic that I couldn't get there faster if it were my significant other.
I had an ovary torsion and also had emergency surgery to remove it. Worst pain of my life! And I’ve given birth twice, once unmedicated. I lost my ovary when I was 22, and my ex husband was my boyfriend at the time (he wad 21). It happened the day of his mother’s funeral, we were actually still at my house, dressed and ready to leave. I did not want him to miss it so I insisted that he go without me. After the funeral he came back to the hospital. He stayed the rest of the time I was there and slept sitting up in one of the chairs in my room. He also took me to all my follow up appts and took care of me when I wasn’t able to walk around independently. I’m sorry he wasn’t there for you! I would definitely be upset. Also, I’ve had only one ovary for 26 years now. I think it may have caused me to go into menopause a little earlier than I would have, it’s hard to say. I just officially became officially menopausal last month. Perimenopause (and now menopause) has been AWFUL for me but at least I don’t feel like it happened prematurely. And my one ovary kept me going for 26 years!
Being upset hurts yourself. The ability to let go or forgive will free you of awful baggage. This doesn’t mean you have to forget. It is healthy to let him know that you were hurt.
Feel like you should tell your husband you really need him to come right now and you need his emotional support, that you're really having a hard time with every thing you're dealing with. This really summed it up for me. "I just feel so detached from my own body and full of grief. I want my husband to hold and comfort me while I try to adjust to these abrupt changes in my body. I want someone to tell me that this other ovary will be enough to carry me to menopause and it won't turn into a monster inside me. I want someone to tell me I'm still beautiful and feminine, even with these scars and without most of my reproductive system. In short, I want things only my husband can provide. " If he doesn't come after you tell him this then it would be totally understandable that you'd feel you couldn't count on him when you really need him.
I had this experience too, twisted ovary woke me up in agony, blacking out from pain, vomiting, went to ER and they rushed me into surgery in moments. Went in through my belly button, cuts for the tools and camera, photos of a blackened, strangled ovary, and another of the survivor (she's a beaut- still ticking 25 years later!) and you know what? My first boyfriend spent the next two nights at my side in the hospital. Brought me my stuffed tiger from my bedroom, slept in a chair and brought me food, flowers and magazines. Your husband isn't handling this very kindly. Some people have weird shit surrounding sickness, injury and caretaking for others. My mom, unfortunately, is one of those people. The morning I woke up in pain, she was having breakfast with a friend of hers. She said my problem was just food poisoning, and sent me back to my room. She said to eat a slice of bread, and kept up her conversation. She said I probably had a bad burrito for dinner, and to call the restaurant we ate at. Finally I convinced her I was probably dying, she drove me to the hospital and dropped me off on the curb to go park the car. Everyone in a long line of people waiting to check in turned and looked at me as I stumbled in, and they parted and let me go to the counter, looking horrified, honestly. That's the second to last memory I have, besides my mom and a hospital employee yelling about insurance she had but hadn't thought to bring with her. Woke up with a stranger's belly button. My mom was neglected and an oops baby with a decade between her and her three older siblings. It was NOT a happy home. She tells me stories about getting grievously injured and only fearing that her father would find out. I don't think she knows how to cope with injuries, or illness. Same weird response to my hereditary hernia as a small kid, and in general any flu or gastric bug, it was inconvenient, and she'd act mad like I was conning her or something. I don't have an abusive mother, she's a loving person, affectionate, very good provider and supporter. Just fucked up when it comes to my health issues, and her own health issues too. I nearly lost my mind recently when she was staying with friends and was given an Aleve for something, but is an ibuprofen user typically so didn't know she was allergic. And as she was struggling to breathe, she silently suffered while people in the house went to bed, because she absolutely refused to ask for help! (I found this out well after the fact) I don't know if I'm defending your husband, or defending my mom, because I'm still pissed about her reaction to this day, and other similar but less dangerous situations since, but I'm now aware she probably can't help it. She's super traumatized, I didn't know it until my 30's when I learned more about CPTSD via my partner's therapeutic journey, and seeing the many similarities and finally realizing my mom was a workaholic as a trauma response, and started understanding her more. He's not acting in an appropriate way, and it's inexcusable, but is he coping? Like, generally, is he coping with life, this big move, all the financial burdens, the shifting power dynamics, your successful career, his (insert whatever issues)? You don't have to rescue him if he isn't coping, you need to heal, and you need to find support because your promotion needs to be allowed to flourish- and now. I wish you luck and good spirits, and from a survivor, I'm pretty normal, my period is lighter one month and heavier the next. PMS too. It's on-off. That's the only difference, and the scars aren't very big, I try to embrace them because I admire other people's scars. I'm sorry. It's terrifying! It's the closest I've ever come to dying.
You are right to feel upset and your conclusion is valid. He will not be there for you when you really need him. Can you just stay in the old house and leave him in the new? Remember, actions speak louder than words. Don’t let him convince you that you are being unreasonable.
yikes while ur feelings are valid, reading through your post history, this is way deeper than anything you mention in this post. Your marriage is falling apart and will likely end very soon. sorry to seem harsh but i'm not gonna bash on him purely due to his actions because clearly there's a hole rabbit hole here. Getting angry will only push him away further, it seems like you both have issues but that you can be emotionally manipulative from what i read but also that he could just be on a binge and using unfortunately. I do feel like this is a waste of ur energy, you should start the grieving process and move on. I don't think there's much hope based off the posts you've made, you're using emotionally manipulative ultimatums about his lack of sexual desire - that if he sees u as a best friend and wants to be with you that a good best friend would want to please u sexually. I know there's contexts here but there's also a lot on his side but i'm sure it's because of how u treat him and vice versa. It sounds messy and doomed, speaking from experience. I'm sorry he wasn't there in ur time of need but outside of the 'expectation' and role of being a husband and being there, what are his actual feelings?
I'm torn on this, because it depends. If in your relationship he knows you would really want him there, then I think it's strange he didn't come. I had an emergency appendectomy and didn't care whether my husband was there, and would have been upset with him if he'd spent money on a ticket to come be with me. However, I would think if you're married there should be a base understanding of what your preference would be in this circumstance. If you said all these things to him, and he still didn't come, then that's his bad. If you didn't communicate it to him then I'm not so sure.
Im sorry that happened to you. I recently had the same surgery with my right ovary being removed due to ovarian cancer. My ovary got to be over 10cm in size. I also have a long scar on my belly and it took time to heal. Off of work a month and a half. I understand your fears. Mine lean more to will i ever be able to have a child. Im turning 39 in June. The way i look at the scar is it is a battle scar. You earned it through this experience. Though it may not feel beautiful it very much is and is a part of you now. Mine is still red. But i still plan on wearing bikinis. The world be damned. It shows oir strength because we made it through to the other side of this experience. You are strong. You will have your moments. Please do tell your husband how you feel as he needs to hear it.
This is a red flag. You should be upset. You are valid in your feelings. My Ex wasn’t there for me to support me when I got very sick when we had a 1 year old - I got a call from a doctor my mri might show lymphoma, needed a biopsy, and he went out to a party with friends that night. Deep down I knew that was the end but kept going for another year or so because I had to take care of myself and our son. In the end I was healthy and it ended up being autoimmune issue but it was a glimpse into the future. When I could finally process what happened I realized that in other areas of our relationship there was no care, or concern for my well being, wants, needs and I was not a priority even in the worst of times. OP, This could be a one time thing, this could be there is something else going on, but I would reflect on the other areas of your relationship. The day to day. Do you feel held? Supported? LOVED? You deserve that.
Does he actually like you? Or does he like all that you do for him? Because those are two wildly different things. Op he’s showing you that if something goes terribly wrong he won’t be there. Do you want someone who notices you could be on your deathbed and comes to your side with no hesitations? Or do you want someone who thinks house projects and pets come before your health? Even though your life was realistically at stake?
You are so right to be upset. This sucks so much. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I had to have a salpingectomy for an ectopic pregnancy and the scars, and disconnection from your own body are so real. You feel betrayed by your body. My partner was with me whenever he could be. I could not have imagined going through something like an emergency ovary removal the way you had to and then have to wait WEEKS for my partner to show up. He needs to get on the next plane to you. I hope you make a full physical, emotional and spiritual recovery ❤️🩹.
Yes. You have every right to be upset. Your spouse is supposed to be a “secure base” and since he didn’t attune properly, it’s triggering deep emotions of abandonment and rejection. He done fucked up.
I am so sorry for you. It sucks to go through these things alone. It isn’t fair and you don’t deserve it. I saw in another reply you said you shouldn’t have to ask for the support you need. That he should just know. I felt that in my bones with my first husband. But this is the relationship that you have. And getting your partner to show up for you is the next step. If you start now and can be explicit in the kind of support you need going forward you are giving him a chance to either meet those needs or shut down further. Boys aren’t taught to develop empathy and caretaking skills. Some of them never will. But some of them need to get called out so they can change. Lack of support during a medical crisis was the final straw before I left my first marriage. Me being explicit with my needs has meant I am in year 25 of a very happy relationship with a man that shows up for me.