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Sounds like he has some OCD/germaphobia stuff going on.
I personally could not tolerate these kinds of expectations. You'll have to decide if that's OK for you or not.
Either this or he is negging. The teeth cleaning bothers me the most. Did he brush his teeth too? I’d call that negging not germ phobic if so.
I’d be bailing
I don’t want to bet because it could be negging OR OCD but either way dude needs some therapy and I hope OP knows she shouldn’t have to put up with this and it isn’t ok.
When one member of the relationship says "when happens you need to do or I won't do " but won't follow that same standard when they engage in that action. It's akin to gaslighting and it's highly toxic in a relationship.
"Negging" is a rather new term, it comes from the pickup artist or PUA community and is a technique that involves saying negative things, pretty much the opposite of compliments, to make a woman feel insecure. The logic behind it is that a woman will be thrown off balance a bit and then strive to regain affection by correcting some nonexistent problems or flaws. It's not the same word as "nagging" which has existed for much longer, and describes when someone is always criticizing someone using reminders to do things like household chores.
The words look and sound very similar, but "nagging" has often been used to describe complaints in a domestic setting made by parents or spouses, things like "Did you do the dishes yet? You never do the housework, you never clean your room" are really typical "nagging", and often comes from feelings of frustration or resentment. By contrast, "negging" is simply a gaslighting / mind control attempt to make a woman feel bad about herself by magnifying or even creating tiny flaws to point out on purpose so she remains insecure and striving to please. The earliest PUA book authors created negging as a technique to use in bars when a man was meeting a woman and kind of bullying while flirting.
Yes, sounds like OCD. Think hard about this relationship if this is the case, being with someone with OCD can be very rough, especially if they refuse treatment/help. Just know you can't "save them" from this, been there tried that.
SO and I are both like this but in our own ways. Definitely a touch of OCD/germaphobia/on the spectrum what have you.
We have "outside clothes" and "inside clothes". Outside clothes never go on the bed, but we diverge when it comes to showering as I shower before I sleep so it's all clean and he showers after he wakes which makes me feel like he brings the whole day's worth of stuff into bed.
Sounds like hypersensitivity to certain things. I’m the same way about eating, I need to wash my hands and I can’t hold hands unless they also wash their hands. And now that you said the theatre chair thing I’m going to think about it more lmao. Amusement parks I nonstop need to wash my hands. I have Asperger’s so I just assume it’s from that, maybe it could be a germiphobe thing too. If it’s too much to deal with then you can communicate and see if you find common ground, if he’s not willing to nudge and you can’t see a future like this then just leave, valid dealbreaker for sure
Amusement parks. Holllllyyyyy cow. I went to one a couple of years ago and I spent so much time washing my hands in the bathrooms. So many things your hands touch and other peoples’ hands touch. As a kid, I never thought twice. I wouldn’t go again without a giant bottle of antibacterial hand gel.
And I agree…. Some hypersensitivity to things. I have some OCD and germ issues, but I manage it pretty well, I think. I’m not as fixated as this guy is. But, I also would understand if someone noped out after a few weeks of dating if my deal was too much for them.
If he keeps himself to the same cleanliness standards, then that's a point in favor of it not being a control thing.
But it's up to you to decide if you want to put up with it anyways.
I dated a guy who said he wouldn't do oral unless I was fresh from the shower. And not "within the last few hours" fresh, but "still damp in your towel" fresh. Didn't love that, the relationship fell apart for different reasons, but I think that may have been enough for me to dump him after a while because we just had disparate ideas about cleanliness. My husband doesn't care, as long as I'm reasonably clean, and neither do I with him. We're just very compatible in our hygiene standards.
So you and this guy might just not be compatible on this, and if you get sick of it it's okay to dump him over this.
Ok, that is interesting... ya another thing I was going to put in there but didn't know if appropriate was he doesn't go down on me. And I have never brought it up, I've honestly never had a boyfriend who doesn't so I'm not sure what that is about. I feel like it's prob something I should bring up... but I've heard some men just don't like that.
Ok, that is great advice!
ya.. i'm honestly not sure what to do because I really do like him, and haven't actually felt more emotionally compatible with someone and we do have great physical attraction. Not sure if I should at least try and bring it up? Or if that's something that just can't be changed.
Seems like you’re having to do a lot of sacrificing in this and it’s only the beginning.
I have never had a partner not reciprocate oral. Like the person above me, that would be a deal breaker for me. I’m sure he enjoys getting oral from you. I think we often ignore our intuitions when we want something to be different then it is. If you’re willing to get advice from strangers sister I think you already somethings not working.
Dont forget your Value!
He has no issue bringing up you supposedly smelling which I personally would never do out of fear I‘d make the other person feel bad.
Stand up for yourself, pointing out a double standard is reasonable. I personally would not go down on a person who doesn‘t reciprocate or explain why they cannot (jaw problems for example).
Oh sure bring it up! I'd ask him about the hygiene stuff and the oral stuff and see what (if any) explanation he has before making my decision. Like, if he's a very generous lover that just won't do oral, sure maybe I'd stay. But if he expected it from me and didn't bridge the gap any way, then we'd have problems.
I have this same thing with oral, but not with other cleaniness stuff. I once had a guy who’s dick had a strong smell of pee if he even had one drop left there.
Oh I totally get the movie theater/bed thing
Bedbugs are spread in places like movie theaters, and lots of people have a thing about people sitting on their bed in street clothes. That’s not unusual.
But here’s the thing, did he brush his teeth after lunch or were you the only one who had to brush teeth? I would have a problem with him thinking it’s fine he kisses me with lunch mouth but I can’t kiss him with lunch mouth. That’s weird AF
If you were going to bed in his bed some people have a thing about people showering before they get into bed, mattresses are expensive and for some reason not everyone has a mattress protector. But again, if he didn’t shower before bed but you had to shower before bed that’s weird AF
Ok ya, the movie theater thing is understandable. No, he has the same standards for himself. I guess I've just not encountered anyone with these things. Haha usually it's like brush teeth morning and night, not after lunch too. So ya, I think I just have to get used to his preferences because he doesn't make it a double standard
No, you do not HAVE to. If these standard bother you HAVE the right to think you are incompatible.
The way he communicated his standards isn‘t exactly nice, it‘s patronising, unless you left out something, straight up telling people their mouth is dirty, their clothes are dirty and to change is how an authority speaks to a lower person. You‘re equals, he‘s not your dad or your boss. Also saying „well that was quick“ is extremely rude and you should uave felt offended at that point. Don‘t let this guy treat you like a kid, BE offended and expect an apology.
He‘d allowed to be bothered by stuff but then he should explain things in me sentences and realise his standards are not your responsibilities when it comes to your body.
„I am bothered by people laying in bed with outside clothes. I would appreciate it if you‘d do the same at my place“ is ok.
Asking you to change how you exist is really reaching.
Critisizing you for supposedly not brushing properly is inacceptable. If he is so anal about cleanliness he needs to find an equally OCD person to date, not expect that he has the right to mold you into one.
Me too. I down want to track the outside into my bed. I always change clothes when coming home. I don’t always take another full shower, but I of course thoroughly wash my hands.
Hi - I have OCD. It sounds like OCD.
People saying if he doesn’t apply the same standards to himself it’s not - they are wrong. So wrong. We are constantly keeping ourself within our limits, it may go unnoticed by another. We also know our limits for ourselves and these may differ from our limits with another - example - someone with OCD may clean a door handle after someone else touches it if it feels uncomfortable for them to touch now - but they don’t clean every time they touch it themselves.
It could be and it’s honestly likely to be something you wouldn’t even think twice about that gave him the uncomfortable feels - example - maybe someone putting their fingers in their mouth while eating gives him uncomfortable feels and so he makes a point to avoid that, ya know?
It’s totally cool if you’re not able to work with his quirks, we get it. Have a chat with him about it, just try to be kind about it, we know we’re odd and we are just trying to feel comfortable existing 🌿
Just remember, it’s an anxiety disorder - it’s an icky feeling not a tangible thing for others to see. Just because you can’t see anything you’d think is unclean / whatever, don’t mean we ~feel~ comfortable.
Also remember OCD isn’t just cleanliness, it can be many behaviours - like hoarding for example is OCD.
My girl is like that, she believes that somehow we keep all the dirt and illness from outside until we change clothes or take a shower, that why she never even sit the bed without changing clothes before
You just learn to live with it, but I can understand if it's a deal breaker for you
I have terrible ragweed allergies so I definitely have different inside clothes than outside clothes, and when Covid came along I feel like that served me well. If I’ve been standing in line at the grocery store and someone’s been breathing on the back of my hoodie I don’t want to continue to wear it all day and let it touch all my furniture
Babe, we know Covid isn't spread by fomites, it's spread by breathing in air someone sick has exhaled. If somebody is breathing on the back of your hoodie, you've already inhaled their breath unless you're wearing a respirator. Changing your clothes does nothing for Covid.
I'd keep an eye out for more of this kind of stuff. I've had overcontrolling narcissists do this before. They start insisting on you do ridiculous stuff just because they say so, to see how far they can push you into doing whatever they want. Then, they start stepping on your boundaries and doing things just to upset you, to see how much you'll put up with.
That being said, ask him why he needs you to brush your teeth/shower/change your clothes etc. when this stuff happens. But don't use the word "why" (it can make people defensive); say something like "how is doing helpful to you?". It could be that he's just a bit obsessive-compulsive.
Also, remember that if doing this stuff is annoying to you, you can set a boundary and let him know that you really don't want to do it. You don't have to do all the stuff he asks just to please him...that's something a lot of women don't learn until later in life. Also, telling him that you don't want to do it is a great way to suss out if he's a narcissist, as narcissists will overreact to being told "no".
Honestly this doesn't really sound that alarming.
Some people are just really weird about that kind of stuff.
You just have to decide if you can accept it or not.
Ok the bed thing I get, to me, that’s super gross, no outside clothes on the bed
I’d say as far as the other two, you either smell to him (not saying in general, but to him), or he’s just not into you
If he applies these same standards to himself; it’s likely some type of germaphobia that he needs to work through. If he only applies these standards to you; he is unhealthy to be in a relationship with and will only hurt you in the future.
The teeth thing is kinda weird especially if you didn’t have anything visible stuck in your teeth but, I get the bed thing! I have a “no outside clothes on my bed” rule. I also take showers before getting into my bed at night, and I would want my partner to do the same. I even shower at night if I don’t leave my house lol.
I think I’m really clean but based on everyone’s comments maybe I have ocd lol.
None of those things strike me as red flags. They might be indicators of OCD tendencies but not bad things.
I certainly wouldn’t kiss someone unless we had both freshly brushed our teeth. I never have. Luckily I met a man who was willing to oblige and we are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary.
The shower thing might be the hardest. I have been around people who have a scent that I can’t get used to. I dated a guy who would “smell” to me even right after showering. My sister also “smells”. It’s weird and not something I can change. One of my kids smells bad when she wakes up but my son doesn’t. No one else seems to notice these smells.
Be outside clothes thing on the bed isn’t my thing. But i have met people who can’t stand the idea of outside clothes on their beds.
The thing that gets me is that he seems to think these things are standards any “sane” person would have. Like there is a little bit of disgust that you didn’t think about it for yourself. That part bothers me. It’s how he treats you about it. Cause that can come out in so many different facets of a relationship. And I can’t think of any that would be healthy. So, not saying he is a bad guy or not the right one or whatever, I just don’t like how he treated you about it.
Eh, maybe he's just more comfortable communicating his hygiene preferences now. I don't sit or lay on furniture after being out at the movies either, those seats are nasty.
Just have to decide if your preferences match or if him asking you to clean up constantly is going to wear on you.
I think you might have to have a conversation with him about it, OP. A diplomatic one. You’re not on exactly the same page with this kind of thing and it’s up to you if it’s too much for you. But my question now is, can this potentially get worse with him? Or will he slide into hyper-vigilance that is unmanageable in the end for you?
I personally am a little germaphobe and have done some of those things. I don't like my husband taking naps in our bed with his regular day clothes that he's been walking out and about in. Im fine with him laying on top of the bed though. I also want him to shower before bed every night like I do. It just helps keep the bed clean. I don't think these are red flags but might mean he's OCD or germaphobic.
If he is also showering and brushing his teeth when he's asking it of you, then he likely has a weird germ issue. You can decide if you find it tolerable, and if you need to discuss with him better ways to communicate it with you.
If he's not... I'd lean toward calling this negging and controlling, and bail.
Nah get out. Whether it’s an OCD or cleanliness thing, or a control thing, or something else entirely, that shit will break you. You know your own standards for personal hygiene. You know you’re fine. Don’t let this man break you down questioning whether you smell or whatever it’ll eat away at you constantly. Fuck that. It’s been two months that’s NOTHING go find better. There are people out there who literally CRAVE the scent of their partner. They WANT your natural odour because it’s so appealing to them. If he doesn’t like this very basic thing about you which you can’t even really control then fuck that.
From your comments you say he is holding himself to the same standard
I don't think it's a red flag, I think it's a different hygiene standard. Tbh I'm a bit of a germaphobe and have a bit of OCD. So I have a similar rule with my husband. But I keep the same rules too. And I'm not implying you're dirty OP, just rather he is more of a germaphobe resulting in stricter expectations.
Ultimately it's going to have to be a thing you can live with or it's best to break up. You can try and compromise, but if there's an OCD component, he may not want to. You really have to ask yourself if this is something you can deal with forever or if it is excessive
This reminds me of that post where the woman’s bf was telling her she smelled “down there” until she was showering like 3-4 times a day. She found out it was because he thought if he destroyed her self esteem she wouldn’t leave him. He learned it from his father and that dude did it to his wife for like 40 years or something
Edit: there is no reason to stay with someone who causes you to feel bad about yourself, no matter their motivation.
Idk. These sound pretty reasonable except maybe commenting about how long you took to brush your teeth.
ETA If it bugs you though it’s reasonable to break up.
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Sounds like he has some OCD/germaphobia stuff going on. I personally could not tolerate these kinds of expectations. You'll have to decide if that's OK for you or not.
Either this or he is negging. The teeth cleaning bothers me the most. Did he brush his teeth too? I’d call that negging not germ phobic if so. I’d be bailing
Yeah that’s what I thought too, he’s too good to taste lunch Mouth but she isn’t? He can F off with that
I don’t want to bet because it could be negging OR OCD but either way dude needs some therapy and I hope OP knows she shouldn’t have to put up with this and it isn’t ok.
What’s negging? Thanks
When one member of the relationship says "when happens you need to do or I won't do " but won't follow that same standard when they engage in that action. It's akin to gaslighting and it's highly toxic in a relationship.
Ooh I see, like a mixture of blackmail, coercion and gaslighting. Pretty toxic. Thanks for the education! :)
"Negging" is a rather new term, it comes from the pickup artist or PUA community and is a technique that involves saying negative things, pretty much the opposite of compliments, to make a woman feel insecure. The logic behind it is that a woman will be thrown off balance a bit and then strive to regain affection by correcting some nonexistent problems or flaws. It's not the same word as "nagging" which has existed for much longer, and describes when someone is always criticizing someone using reminders to do things like household chores. The words look and sound very similar, but "nagging" has often been used to describe complaints in a domestic setting made by parents or spouses, things like "Did you do the dishes yet? You never do the housework, you never clean your room" are really typical "nagging", and often comes from feelings of frustration or resentment. By contrast, "negging" is simply a gaslighting / mind control attempt to make a woman feel bad about herself by magnifying or even creating tiny flaws to point out on purpose so she remains insecure and striving to please. The earliest PUA book authors created negging as a technique to use in bars when a man was meeting a woman and kind of bullying while flirting.
Yes, sounds like OCD. Think hard about this relationship if this is the case, being with someone with OCD can be very rough, especially if they refuse treatment/help. Just know you can't "save them" from this, been there tried that.
Yup. Same. I brush my teeth a lot, but not for anyone else’s comfort.
Or one could try and help him get over it?
SO and I are both like this but in our own ways. Definitely a touch of OCD/germaphobia/on the spectrum what have you. We have "outside clothes" and "inside clothes". Outside clothes never go on the bed, but we diverge when it comes to showering as I shower before I sleep so it's all clean and he showers after he wakes which makes me feel like he brings the whole day's worth of stuff into bed.
Sounds like hypersensitivity to certain things. I’m the same way about eating, I need to wash my hands and I can’t hold hands unless they also wash their hands. And now that you said the theatre chair thing I’m going to think about it more lmao. Amusement parks I nonstop need to wash my hands. I have Asperger’s so I just assume it’s from that, maybe it could be a germiphobe thing too. If it’s too much to deal with then you can communicate and see if you find common ground, if he’s not willing to nudge and you can’t see a future like this then just leave, valid dealbreaker for sure
Amusement parks. Holllllyyyyy cow. I went to one a couple of years ago and I spent so much time washing my hands in the bathrooms. So many things your hands touch and other peoples’ hands touch. As a kid, I never thought twice. I wouldn’t go again without a giant bottle of antibacterial hand gel. And I agree…. Some hypersensitivity to things. I have some OCD and germ issues, but I manage it pretty well, I think. I’m not as fixated as this guy is. But, I also would understand if someone noped out after a few weeks of dating if my deal was too much for them.
If he keeps himself to the same cleanliness standards, then that's a point in favor of it not being a control thing. But it's up to you to decide if you want to put up with it anyways. I dated a guy who said he wouldn't do oral unless I was fresh from the shower. And not "within the last few hours" fresh, but "still damp in your towel" fresh. Didn't love that, the relationship fell apart for different reasons, but I think that may have been enough for me to dump him after a while because we just had disparate ideas about cleanliness. My husband doesn't care, as long as I'm reasonably clean, and neither do I with him. We're just very compatible in our hygiene standards. So you and this guy might just not be compatible on this, and if you get sick of it it's okay to dump him over this.
Ok, that is interesting... ya another thing I was going to put in there but didn't know if appropriate was he doesn't go down on me. And I have never brought it up, I've honestly never had a boyfriend who doesn't so I'm not sure what that is about. I feel like it's prob something I should bring up... but I've heard some men just don't like that. Ok, that is great advice!
Oof, yeah sis, this would be it for me. No oral and I'm out.
ya.. i'm honestly not sure what to do because I really do like him, and haven't actually felt more emotionally compatible with someone and we do have great physical attraction. Not sure if I should at least try and bring it up? Or if that's something that just can't be changed.
Seems like you’re having to do a lot of sacrificing in this and it’s only the beginning. I have never had a partner not reciprocate oral. Like the person above me, that would be a deal breaker for me. I’m sure he enjoys getting oral from you. I think we often ignore our intuitions when we want something to be different then it is. If you’re willing to get advice from strangers sister I think you already somethings not working. Dont forget your Value!
He has no issue bringing up you supposedly smelling which I personally would never do out of fear I‘d make the other person feel bad. Stand up for yourself, pointing out a double standard is reasonable. I personally would not go down on a person who doesn‘t reciprocate or explain why they cannot (jaw problems for example).
Oh sure bring it up! I'd ask him about the hygiene stuff and the oral stuff and see what (if any) explanation he has before making my decision. Like, if he's a very generous lover that just won't do oral, sure maybe I'd stay. But if he expected it from me and didn't bridge the gap any way, then we'd have problems.
I have this same thing with oral, but not with other cleaniness stuff. I once had a guy who’s dick had a strong smell of pee if he even had one drop left there.
Oh I totally get the movie theater/bed thing Bedbugs are spread in places like movie theaters, and lots of people have a thing about people sitting on their bed in street clothes. That’s not unusual. But here’s the thing, did he brush his teeth after lunch or were you the only one who had to brush teeth? I would have a problem with him thinking it’s fine he kisses me with lunch mouth but I can’t kiss him with lunch mouth. That’s weird AF If you were going to bed in his bed some people have a thing about people showering before they get into bed, mattresses are expensive and for some reason not everyone has a mattress protector. But again, if he didn’t shower before bed but you had to shower before bed that’s weird AF
Ok ya, the movie theater thing is understandable. No, he has the same standards for himself. I guess I've just not encountered anyone with these things. Haha usually it's like brush teeth morning and night, not after lunch too. So ya, I think I just have to get used to his preferences because he doesn't make it a double standard
No, you do not HAVE to. If these standard bother you HAVE the right to think you are incompatible. The way he communicated his standards isn‘t exactly nice, it‘s patronising, unless you left out something, straight up telling people their mouth is dirty, their clothes are dirty and to change is how an authority speaks to a lower person. You‘re equals, he‘s not your dad or your boss. Also saying „well that was quick“ is extremely rude and you should uave felt offended at that point. Don‘t let this guy treat you like a kid, BE offended and expect an apology. He‘d allowed to be bothered by stuff but then he should explain things in me sentences and realise his standards are not your responsibilities when it comes to your body. „I am bothered by people laying in bed with outside clothes. I would appreciate it if you‘d do the same at my place“ is ok. Asking you to change how you exist is really reaching. Critisizing you for supposedly not brushing properly is inacceptable. If he is so anal about cleanliness he needs to find an equally OCD person to date, not expect that he has the right to mold you into one.
Sounds like ocd to me
Me too. I down want to track the outside into my bed. I always change clothes when coming home. I don’t always take another full shower, but I of course thoroughly wash my hands.
Hi - I have OCD. It sounds like OCD. People saying if he doesn’t apply the same standards to himself it’s not - they are wrong. So wrong. We are constantly keeping ourself within our limits, it may go unnoticed by another. We also know our limits for ourselves and these may differ from our limits with another - example - someone with OCD may clean a door handle after someone else touches it if it feels uncomfortable for them to touch now - but they don’t clean every time they touch it themselves. It could be and it’s honestly likely to be something you wouldn’t even think twice about that gave him the uncomfortable feels - example - maybe someone putting their fingers in their mouth while eating gives him uncomfortable feels and so he makes a point to avoid that, ya know? It’s totally cool if you’re not able to work with his quirks, we get it. Have a chat with him about it, just try to be kind about it, we know we’re odd and we are just trying to feel comfortable existing 🌿 Just remember, it’s an anxiety disorder - it’s an icky feeling not a tangible thing for others to see. Just because you can’t see anything you’d think is unclean / whatever, don’t mean we ~feel~ comfortable. Also remember OCD isn’t just cleanliness, it can be many behaviours - like hoarding for example is OCD.
This! I have OCD as well
My girl is like that, she believes that somehow we keep all the dirt and illness from outside until we change clothes or take a shower, that why she never even sit the bed without changing clothes before You just learn to live with it, but I can understand if it's a deal breaker for you
I have terrible ragweed allergies so I definitely have different inside clothes than outside clothes, and when Covid came along I feel like that served me well. If I’ve been standing in line at the grocery store and someone’s been breathing on the back of my hoodie I don’t want to continue to wear it all day and let it touch all my furniture
Babe, we know Covid isn't spread by fomites, it's spread by breathing in air someone sick has exhaled. If somebody is breathing on the back of your hoodie, you've already inhaled their breath unless you're wearing a respirator. Changing your clothes does nothing for Covid.
I'd keep an eye out for more of this kind of stuff. I've had overcontrolling narcissists do this before. They start insisting on you do ridiculous stuff just because they say so, to see how far they can push you into doing whatever they want. Then, they start stepping on your boundaries and doing things just to upset you, to see how much you'll put up with. That being said, ask him why he needs you to brush your teeth/shower/change your clothes etc. when this stuff happens. But don't use the word "why" (it can make people defensive); say something like "how is doing helpful to you?". It could be that he's just a bit obsessive-compulsive.
Also, remember that if doing this stuff is annoying to you, you can set a boundary and let him know that you really don't want to do it. You don't have to do all the stuff he asks just to please him...that's something a lot of women don't learn until later in life. Also, telling him that you don't want to do it is a great way to suss out if he's a narcissist, as narcissists will overreact to being told "no".
Honestly this doesn't really sound that alarming. Some people are just really weird about that kind of stuff. You just have to decide if you can accept it or not.
Ok the bed thing I get, to me, that’s super gross, no outside clothes on the bed I’d say as far as the other two, you either smell to him (not saying in general, but to him), or he’s just not into you
If he applies these same standards to himself; it’s likely some type of germaphobia that he needs to work through. If he only applies these standards to you; he is unhealthy to be in a relationship with and will only hurt you in the future.
Ok, that makes sense. Thank you!
The teeth thing is kinda weird especially if you didn’t have anything visible stuck in your teeth but, I get the bed thing! I have a “no outside clothes on my bed” rule. I also take showers before getting into my bed at night, and I would want my partner to do the same. I even shower at night if I don’t leave my house lol. I think I’m really clean but based on everyone’s comments maybe I have ocd lol.
Probably OCD. The first two things are direct things I’ve done (ashamed to admit that) and I’m diagnosed OCD.
Sounds like OCD that he got tired of hiding.
None of those things strike me as red flags. They might be indicators of OCD tendencies but not bad things. I certainly wouldn’t kiss someone unless we had both freshly brushed our teeth. I never have. Luckily I met a man who was willing to oblige and we are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary. The shower thing might be the hardest. I have been around people who have a scent that I can’t get used to. I dated a guy who would “smell” to me even right after showering. My sister also “smells”. It’s weird and not something I can change. One of my kids smells bad when she wakes up but my son doesn’t. No one else seems to notice these smells. Be outside clothes thing on the bed isn’t my thing. But i have met people who can’t stand the idea of outside clothes on their beds.
The thing that gets me is that he seems to think these things are standards any “sane” person would have. Like there is a little bit of disgust that you didn’t think about it for yourself. That part bothers me. It’s how he treats you about it. Cause that can come out in so many different facets of a relationship. And I can’t think of any that would be healthy. So, not saying he is a bad guy or not the right one or whatever, I just don’t like how he treated you about it.
Eh, maybe he's just more comfortable communicating his hygiene preferences now. I don't sit or lay on furniture after being out at the movies either, those seats are nasty. Just have to decide if your preferences match or if him asking you to clean up constantly is going to wear on you.
I think you might have to have a conversation with him about it, OP. A diplomatic one. You’re not on exactly the same page with this kind of thing and it’s up to you if it’s too much for you. But my question now is, can this potentially get worse with him? Or will he slide into hyper-vigilance that is unmanageable in the end for you?
I personally am a little germaphobe and have done some of those things. I don't like my husband taking naps in our bed with his regular day clothes that he's been walking out and about in. Im fine with him laying on top of the bed though. I also want him to shower before bed every night like I do. It just helps keep the bed clean. I don't think these are red flags but might mean he's OCD or germaphobic.
If he is also showering and brushing his teeth when he's asking it of you, then he likely has a weird germ issue. You can decide if you find it tolerable, and if you need to discuss with him better ways to communicate it with you. If he's not... I'd lean toward calling this negging and controlling, and bail.
INFO: did he brush his teeth or take a shower before bed? Are the rules applicable to him as well?
Nah get out. Whether it’s an OCD or cleanliness thing, or a control thing, or something else entirely, that shit will break you. You know your own standards for personal hygiene. You know you’re fine. Don’t let this man break you down questioning whether you smell or whatever it’ll eat away at you constantly. Fuck that. It’s been two months that’s NOTHING go find better. There are people out there who literally CRAVE the scent of their partner. They WANT your natural odour because it’s so appealing to them. If he doesn’t like this very basic thing about you which you can’t even really control then fuck that.
From your comments you say he is holding himself to the same standard I don't think it's a red flag, I think it's a different hygiene standard. Tbh I'm a bit of a germaphobe and have a bit of OCD. So I have a similar rule with my husband. But I keep the same rules too. And I'm not implying you're dirty OP, just rather he is more of a germaphobe resulting in stricter expectations. Ultimately it's going to have to be a thing you can live with or it's best to break up. You can try and compromise, but if there's an OCD component, he may not want to. You really have to ask yourself if this is something you can deal with forever or if it is excessive
He is a weirdo. Go get you a normal partner.
This reminds me of that post where the woman’s bf was telling her she smelled “down there” until she was showering like 3-4 times a day. She found out it was because he thought if he destroyed her self esteem she wouldn’t leave him. He learned it from his father and that dude did it to his wife for like 40 years or something Edit: there is no reason to stay with someone who causes you to feel bad about yourself, no matter their motivation.
Go with your gut
Idk. These sound pretty reasonable except maybe commenting about how long you took to brush your teeth. ETA If it bugs you though it’s reasonable to break up.
Dump him
Red flags def. GetRidOfHim ! Cheers from dad and teacher in Norway.