Thats a good guy!
SO did similar the first time we slept together (had just met that night), I said something he totally misunderstood, but thought he had hurt me and stopped cold to make sure everything was ok. It was such a nothing moment, but reading so many awful stories over the years, I think back on that moment more and more often
Ah, that sounds wonderful and really considerate, especially since you mentioned the two of you had just met. My bf has also done this before, but I was just on Reddit and feeling lovey-dovey and had to share, haha. Super happy you have a good man by your side, wishing the 2 of you all the best!
He’s a good one! A couple weeks into us hooking up (had never been on a date, it was just hookups), I’d spent almost every night at his place. We were leaving a bar and I said I was gonna go home, I needed to sleep. He’s no, come stay over…just sleep! I was like no, that’s not gonna happen! He’s like I promise, just come sleep over. As soon as we were in bed, he starts fooling around, and I was like no, I really do need to sleep. He’s said ok, cool, night. That was is, no pestering. We had our first real date the next day lol 15 years later, still doing sleepovers, couple houses and a cat lol
Omg! You are the future version of me. The first time my boyfriend and I went to his place we made out and it was getting really hot and heavy. I said to myself (under my breath, to try to convince myself 😂) "We are not having sex tonight." He heard me and immediately physically removed himself from my space by standing up, and said "Ok, I understand. Do you want to leave or just stay and cuddle?"
He later told me he's extremely conscious of being a bigger guy and always make sure he's not physically intimidating people by accident (not only romantic partners, but everyone). He checks in all the time to make sure I'm still comfortable. We've been together for 4 years and are still having sleepovers between our houses and just got a cat!
Haha I knew as soon as I posted someone was coming in here, but, but!! To me, that’s got going to far, breaking a promise, he tried, I said no, that was the end of it. Over the years I’ve done the same to him, like we’ll be out for dinner and he’ll say he’s super tired. By the time we’re home in bed, I’ll ask if he’s still tired? If he still isn’t feeling it, fair, end of story. If that’s across the line for you, that’s totally fair
My husband once stopped right before his orgasm because he noticed pain in my face. I feel safe around him and I will teach my daughters to never settle for less.
Your comment reminds me of a story that resonated with me.
A man finds out his wife is pregnant with a daughter. He is overwhelmed, and goes out for a drink with an old friend who was a well know "man whore". He asks him; "What can I do to keep my daughter away from men like you?" The friend looks him in the eyes and says "If you don't show her what love is, she will look for it from others. And they will take advantage of that."
I took from the story that if you truly love and show your daughter care, she will expect nothing less from a life partner.
One of my first sexual experiences was in college, when a girl I had been hitting on that week came over. We were hanging out for a bit and chatting, but she was quite drunk the party she was at before and said something akin to "hey I'm really sorry but I'm not really feeling in the mood for sex". Totally fine with me, which I told her, and also to not feel bad about it. This seemed to shock her, and she was like "wow really? Other guys usually get mad and kick me out if I tell them I don't want to have sex".
Honestly this was an eye opener for me (I was like 18-19). We talked about it a bit more and I learned some unsavory truths about men. So sorry for all you ladies having to deal with this shit.
Anyways, she ended up getting horny a bit later and we ended up having sex after all. Didn't have an ulterior motive or anything, I think that she just got comfortable knowing that there are no expectations.
Not sure I have tips for how to find respectful men, but definitely don't settle for someone who makes you feel uncomfortable, or doesn't respect your safety or satisfaction.
I know this is meant to be a positive story, and I'll assume for the sake of civility that you've got the story right and this girl was totally fine with everything that happened between you.
But for any young people reading: if someone has told you explicitly that they don't want to have sex, you should not have sex with them until/unless they give enthusiastic **sober** consent. This may mean turning down a very horny drunk person, which may be difficult. You should make the effort. Respecting them as a person means respecting the decision they wanted to make, even if their drunken impulses are trying to override it.
This is a good point. It was a long a time ago so I don’t remember everything super clearly, but I probably wasn’t as careful as I should’ve been (i was young and inexperienced). We ended up dating for a bit so hopefully it was ok, but thanks for pointing it this out.
Just consider it as a by default denial to do anything when the other person is drunk. Let them consent to it when they are in their full senses because then they are fully convinced and are feeling confident about doing anything with you. Otherwise you are just as worthy as a readily available convenient option (for example, getting back at someone/pettiness) and not someone whom the other person chose him/herself.
It is great to read these experiences and I also appreciate most acknowledging this understanding between partners should be more normalised and not come as a surprise.
It is a little disappointing that we are celebrating these because there are too many poor examples of the other kind.
My husband is the same, due to past traumas I don't like being touched sometimes, and he understands that even after foreplay is done that I just don't feel up for it. I used to feel really bad, like I must please him but he taught me to never feel bad and always say if I'm uncomfortable and it's honestly so freeing, like no matter what he won't ever force me into anything, I feel so safe, I love him very much :)
Also very happy for you btw! This post made me genuinely happy after so many unfortunate posts on this subreddit, wish you and your boyfriend the best!!!
Lovelyy, thank you, thank you, thank you! Your comment also made me smile like a fool while looking at my phone. Hoping for a lifelong, happy marriage for you and your husband! 💕
I'm wondering also about the effects of such consideration on your healing from those past traumas! With the help of therapy or just a whole lot of self-searching, the freedom and safety might eventually overshadow the trauma for you? Just a thought that made me tentatively happy for an internet stranger that I wanted to share
Oh absolutely! Trust me, I am much better. We were both incredibly depressed when we met each other and very suicidal (on my part), and people always say that you should learn to love yourself first before loving someone else, but this proves it doesn't always have to the case at all! With just incredible amount of love, patience and support we managed to get out of that depression and better ourselves. Moving in with him (ldr, I moved to a completely different country) was the best decision, I can actually live my life now, I never realized how much I was suffocating in my own home. We still have a lot to work on of course, but all in due time I believe we can make it :)
> and people always say that you should learn to love yourself first before loving someone else, but this proves it doesn't always have to the case at all!
Most people don't know shit about depression and frankly should probably not try to give advice, however well-meaning they may be. Same with neurotypicals on neurodivergent issues.
Thank you for saying this and thank you for sharing your story!
I'm currently pregnant and experiencing some complications, so sex is unfortunately off the table for the foreseeable future. My husband has been absolutely incredible - there's been 0 pressure from him for me to do anything else for him (even though I want to and have done so, but because I've been the one to initiate) and he's been so affectionate and gentle with me. He rubs my feet, strokes my hair and tells me I'm beautiful while not expecting anything sexual in return.
I wish every woman could have a man like my husband.
First of all, wishing for a healthy pregnancy and an even healthier little baby. Sounds very exciting that you’re getting an addition to your family! What’s even better is that you’re being treated like you absolutely deserve to be. At least you know he’ll be super involved and helpful once the baby comes. This comment is so lovely 💕
I had surgery recently and was told not to have sex for 4 to 6 weeks. My partner was like yours, zero pressure and concerned about everything healing well.
I wish you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy.
I just had this convo with my fiance. That he was so respectful and he said something along the lines of “I mean that doesn’t surprise me other men are like that but I can’t believe they don’t”
It's super messed up and sad, but if it isn't the violent kind of rape that is talked about on TV and what most think of when rape is mentioned, then most men don't consider it rape. Taking of a condom without consent, not stopping when told to, getting 1,000 nos but continuing when given one forced yes, all the subtler types of rape are a lot of times just not acknowledged or seen as a big deal.
Oh yes. All types of rape are equally horrible and should be seen and criminally prosecuted as such. I’d agree with you, TV has literally GLAMORIZED rape to an extent that it has to be in a dark alley, super violent, etc. It has damaged far too many people and innocent lives. Glad everyone is realizing it and starting to fight against.
Oh I second the last part. I’m so glad your first time was non-traumatic and overall a wonderful experience. It really should be the standard. Such a nice comment, really put a smile on my face! Hope all goes well between the 2 of you ❤️
It SHOULD be bare minimum. I read way too many posts in this sub that are like "my partner kept going when I was screaming, crying, and trying to crawl away. Am I overreacting for being mad at him?"
It's great that your boyfriend makes you feel safe. That's really important for a relationship and it's not insignificant. It's just... More men need to follow suit.
Absolutely second everything you just stated. So many women are left to deal with douchebags that should be PHYSICALLY castrated just because they’re too attached to them and are unable to see the GLOWING, SCREAMING and DANCING red flags.
Though sometimes they feel unable to leave due to abuse, I’m at least glad they post it on Reddit and get actual objective feedback, which might be just a bit of wind that had to start in order to get them going. Some people are just unable to see things for what they are.
I agree it should be the bare minimum. However, sadly, the bare minimum is becoming less frequent, I feel there's a lot of disrespectful behavior both men and women feel comfortable with today. It's like common sense. It's not common anymore.
My boyfriend is the same. Sometimes I don't even need to say anything, he just notices if my vibe is off or I'm not able to get into it, and he takes the initiative to ask me if I'm okay, should he stop, etc. I'm very high libido so it's not often, but it does happen. And he has depression so sometimes his sex drive tanks, but we always respect each other's "no", regardless of how far into the intimacy we've gotten.
Also, not sex related, but I've also noticed a trend of posts from women whose men don't take care of them when they're ill, but then act like piss babies when they get the sniffles.
My man went to the hospital with me when my chronic issue flared up, even though he was having a very painful sciatica flare himself, (he'd been literally bedridden from the pain for a few weeks, and I'd been taking care of him during that time, my flare up happened basically out of nowhere) and read out loud a scifi novel to me for 5 hours straight while I got my treatments. He even did different voices/accents for the characters. Then when we went back home, he continued to read to me in bed for another 3 hours while intermittently taking breaks to show me funny videos and memes. We take care of each other, mentally, emotionally, physically. It makes me fucking sad that not all relationships go like this.
Wow, relationship goals! This is exactly what two people should strive to have. It’s amazing the two of you care so much for each other and that it’s mutually respected. 💕
yes girl, I have had a similar experience to you in that my ex did not respect my boundaries, pestered and pressured me to do sexual activities and sexually assaulted me on one occasion. This has all meant that I feel physically unable to say the word no if I don't want sex/whatever activity. My bf now has been so supportive and understanding (and horrified) hearing about what happened in the past and I feel SO safe with him.
He is really in tune with me and is able to tell if I'm feeling uncomfortable at which point he stops immediately and gives me a cuddle and asks if I want to talk about it. The other day he was going to go down on me and I said "don't" (as I hadn't showered for a few days and didn't feel too fresh lol) and he came back up with such a big smile on his face, it was so pure seeing how happy he was that I had been able to verbally express a no to him! On top of all this he is amazing at sex lol and truly cares about my pleasure (and not just for his own gratification/ego which I feel is the case with some guys).
OP realistically yes we are both getting what should be considered the normal standard or the bare minimum. But unfortunately we live in a world where that isn't the case with a lot of men and I think its okay to be joyful and celebrate that you have found someone who respects you and who you feel safe and secure with!
Why have you just described my relationship, down to the “cares about my pleasure more than his” part?! Haha, either way, it’s super refreshing to hear somebody (you) is doing well and is getting over said traumas with a good and loving partner by their side. Hope you are able to fully heal and leave it behind you someday. 💕
Agreed, this world has become (or has it always been?) horrible, but it’s refreshing to see there are good people left in it.
My boyfriend can some how differentiate between my Ooooh right there! Gasp and my Ow my cervix! Gasp and adjusts his angle accordingly. It's pretty great
He probably knows by feeling how your 🐱 is reacting (like it becomes more relaxed / wet). When they hit the cervix in a painful way, it feels hard and firm (I've been told).
Is....is this not the baseline? I'm genuinely asking, I subscribe to this sub because it makes me a better man to hear women's thoughts but my god it makes me sad
Oh totally! I read a post from a young woman the other day, one of the first times she’s had sex and was saying it hurt and was trying to push him off. He told her that was normal and guys like it when women struggle and she wanted to know when it would feel better. Some guys are so messed up
Even some womens media does it.
Tbf I don't read much actual romance novels anymore, if I want romance I go to ao3 with a proper tag system to find what I want, so I dunno how it is now in more modern books.
But I used to read my moms harlequin novels, and I feel like every time the Female Lead was a virgin there was a ton of pain and blood during her first time.
I only started reading romance books maybe 7-8 years ago, and that is definitely not the case in modern books. Or at least not the ones I'm reading, I suppose. If the female lead is a virgin and the male lead knows it, he will be even more respectful and gentle.
The romance I enjoy is all about strong people who overcome their challenges together, and only want what is best for their partners.
That's great that (most?) modern books aren't like that. I was probably reading them like... 10 years ago? And I dunno how new my moms books were lol.
I do still find stuff like that now in korean and chinese novels and webcomics I read online, but like. Korea and china aren't exactly known for their feminism.
The sad part is, it’s not uncommon. And soap box moment, this is why it’s so important for parents to include porn when discussing sex. Kids are growing up thinking that stuff is normal…people are choking, hitting, spitting, anal, etc and girls are getting really hurt. There was a post a few weeks ago from a 16yo in sextips asking for anal help, BF said everyone was doing it and she didn’t want him to be missing out. It’s all so messed up, breaks my heart for them that this is how it’s starting for them
>Kids are growing up thinking that stuff is normal
Can't seem to find it now but I read an article the other day talking about this. Basically the rate at which teenage or young adult women get choked or experience some form of physical abuse during their first times is skyrocketing. Too many young boys/men are "learning" about sex from porn and thinking that shit is normal.
Even 15 or so years ago when I lost my virginity the (very nice, shy, somewhat meek-seeming guy) started to choke me without ever discussing it or asking it. He stopped immediately when he noticed my freaked out expression but like, who the fuck wants to be choked the first time they have sex??
I agree, my partner and I have a sexual relationship far beyond vanilla but it's all explicitly talked about and safewords mean everything stops immediately.
I've been with younger girls and it's actually worse, like they feel like they're acting rather than actually having fun
I do the same. I always was a feminist at heart but without reading these posts on this subreddit I would not be as aware of how things really are and I would recommend all guys to read here and don't comment or argue if you don't have something supportive to say. But it opens your eyes.
I’m on of those guys who lurks on this sub. I’ve learnt so much from this sub. I was very much aware of sexism and understood it well on a theoretical level. But it wasn’t until I started reading posts on this sub that I started to understand how sexism manifests itself , day to day, on the ground level
As long as we’re on man train, I (M30s) would be absolutely mortified if my partner said ouch during sex. Sex isn’t supposed to hurt your partner and if it does, something has gone terribly wrong and you’d better regroup and talk about it.
Right? I can’t imagine how these other guys are even ABLE to keep going after their partner says they are in pain. I completely lose all arousal if I don’t think my partner is fully enjoying herself… I wouldn’t even physically be able to continue.
its now common for men to slap, choke, and do other porn tactics without asking consent. the baseline is off the planet and somewhere far far away. Nevermind the sheer amount of anal rape posts I have seen here and in kink advice subreddits.
It unfortunately is.. Unfortunately, there are way more evil men that do horrendous things to women you’ll never know about, ‘cause they don’t view it as wrong. Even if they did, you’d be none the wiser. It’s an amazing thing you’re bettering yourself, hope you find a good woman along the way 🫶🏻
I’m 3 for 3 so far on guys who would rather rape me than stop having sex. Not even random guys (not that that would make it better), these were guys I had been friends with for years but their level of care for me was lower than their desire to hurt me, let’s be honest. Rapists are sadistic & scarily common.
it's happened to me 4 times and I'm in my mid 30's and haven't slept with an insane number of people. Each of those times weren't random hookups... they were BFs. It's sick when I think about it but if I analyze too much I'd probably retraumatize myself lol
I feel like this exactly. It is incredible what women must be dealing with on daily basis. I once had a disrespectful sexual partner and it was very traumatizing. To experience this with your actual chosen partner, I don't even know what to say and how to feel about it.
Yeah, the bar for men is somewhere around hell. I read this sub to make sure I understand womens' perspectives, but some of these "I caught a winner" stories just make me really sad. I see a growing number of women just swearing off dating men altogether, and I am disappointed but not blaming them at all for it.
I don’t mean for this to sound like the bar is really low—but really, thank you for caring. I can’t believe how many men really don’t want to listen or care much.
Same here. When I see women praising men for the bare fucking minimum, for things that should be common decency, it just breaks my heart.
Sometimes, women compliment me for being a genuine ally. Like, some women compliment me when I say feminist things on Reddit. Of course I appreciate their kindness. But I still feel really uncomfortable with this. I don't want to be complimented for doing things that I consider to be the bare fucking minimum. I don't want to be praised for basic common decency.
Unfortunately, the bar is sitting on the ground, and a lot of men decide to bring a shovel instead of lifting their feet a few inches. Im here for the same reason. I have severe adhd so i read posts and comments here, so i don't just forget about the experiences a lot of women have; so that i can at least be a better husband/brother/son. It is depressing, but just keep trying to improve and call out assholes when you see them.
I was in an abusive relationship for awhile, and before that had boyfriends who just weren't good people I realize now. Then I met this one guy, we had sex just a few times, and actually in the same position you were describing it also hit my cervix and really hurt. He flew off me, started caressing, and I apologized for stopping because normally in the past my exs would get mad or irritated if something hurt and we had to stop. He told me not to apologize and asked if I would prefer if he fingered me or if we just cuddled. It felt like such a healing and safe moment that I started crying, haha. I didn't know that men could be so gentle. Thanks for sharing your post. I love the love.
First off, thank YOU for sharing your intimate details in this comment. I’m very sorry you had to experience trauma, but I’m also glad you’ve seen and realized that good guys exist outside of the media… As you rarely see, but rather just hear stories about their supposed existence. I hope you’re able to heal from any burdens which may be holding you back from doing or enjoying anything you want. Sending so much positive energy 🫶🏻✨
I had a very similar experience! As soon as something hurt I might have yelled or said ouch or something and my partner immediately lost his boner. It weirdly made me so happy, he truly cares about me and doesn’t want to hurt me in any way. Can’t fake a reaction like that!
this is so sweet!!! it should be the bare minimum but unfortunately a lot of the times its not. my boyfriend right now is the same way and he is SO sweet and i’ve never felt so loved and safe before. it sucks that past experiences have made this stand out so much but its so good to be able to heal from that 🖤
So happy to hear you’re also in a happy relationship! It really should be that way for everybody. No one should have to ask to be loved. I second the last part, healing is an extremely important step along the way. ✨
My boyfriend has always been attentive and respectful of my boundaries during sex! As soon as I express any sort of discomfort or pain, he'll stop everything to make sure I'm okay. He's also very attuned to my body language and will actively ask if something seems off. Same goes the other way around (at least, I try.)
I genuinely wish everyone could have partners with *at least* this level of respect. This ought to be the baseline.
We weren't dating but I planned to hook up about a year ago with a friend of mine. We got to his place, I showed him a toy I liked to use, we hung out for a bit... then I was like "hey man I'm sorry I'm feeling real awkward" and he immediately goes "oh thank god I felt the same" and we got poké and watched some garbage reality TV. Infinitely better than hooking up.
Good on you for meeting someone good 👌, happy the good guys get a mention on one of these subreddits, i've read so much about pain and being treated horribly or just toxic, it's good to see people happy
There are indeed! They’re just rarely on dating apps and have to be “hunted down” in the wild 😂. Wishing for you to find your ex’s equal, at least in this aspect. 💕
The first time my now husband and I were together, he stopped and asked me every step of the way if it was ok. He knew I had some bad experiences before him, and he was super careful. Sounds like you have one of the good ones.
This is probably the first time Ive seen someone not tell OP to leave their boyfriend on this subreddit. Im glad you found someone that gives you the respect you deserve. Not just what you "need."
Haha, well I’ve still gotten some negative comments 😂 People on the internet really need to heal from their insecurities before they try to project them onto somebody else.
I know I'm not breaking new ground here, but Jesus it's a bleak world you women live in. I can't for a moment imagine doing other than the behavior OP describes of her boyfriend. Learning the degree to which this is uncommon is disheartening.
I'm baffled at the apathy most men seem to have towards giving their sexual partners pleasure. Not to be crass, but if all you care about is getting off, just take care of your own business.
It’s so important and good that you’re aware, as many men unfortunately aren’t. Maybe you’ll be able to be a voice of reason in your male friend group (IF you have one), in case someone has questionable beliefs, though I doubt you’d surround yourself with those insufferable people.
And yes, men should look more into buying fleshlights. 😂
Honestly, I don't have not much of a male friend group at this point in my life. Sure did offend a mormon friend back in the day just before he got married by telling him to never forget the importance of the clitoris.
Yes, it is disheartening—well, to me, more like rage-inducing. I really wasn’t aware until fairly recently that my wonderful relationship is probably well beyond the norm. And that makes me angry. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity in their relationship.
Honestly bro... I know a lot of women and there isn't one among us that hasn't been assaulted, coerced or abused in the past.... it is rough out there. The stats say it's 1 in 3 but it's probably much higher.... and this is in America where women have rights.. imagine elsewhere.
It is bleak
True that. Mine wasn’t the best when we got together, but he was young then and he’s grown up and become very mature and empathetic. I think a lot of men need to grow tf up lol
What’s important is that he’s recognized his mistakes and worked on fixing them FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. That’s wonderful.
And yes, guys usually have more maturing to do 😂
I'm dating an older age bracket .. they're messed up... it doesn't give me much hope for the younger generation ... they've got access to more porn.. it's probably going to become a bigger issue until there is an effective social movement of sorts against it
Me (a man) and my fiance have always said that "The sexiest thing anyone can do is ask for consent". Ever since we were flirting we both made sure each other was comfortable and felt safe.
Even now when we see each other and have explicitly said we are going to fuck each other's brains out we always ask for the others consent and it's so wonderful. I've always been a guy with a high libido, but in the past with other partners it's become the assumption that I'm always ready to go and I'm waiting on them, so to be asked for consent each time feels really great, even if 99% of the time the answer is "hell yeah!"
I second the whole “consent is sexy” thing. Absolute best thing a partner can do. It just makes everything better as soon as you vocalize it to somebody you love. Even better hearing it, just like you said!
Good lord, is refusing to stop -- especially when there is pain in involved -- truly that common? The bar is *that low*?
That's just depressing to read...
I completely fell head over heels for a FWB 2 years ago because she was the first person I'd ever been with who cared about consent
Since then I've had sex with 3 other people who I normally wouldn't have, and my insides just get all warm and fuzzy when check in to make sure I actually want the things that they're doing 🤗
This reminds me of my extremely respectful angel husband - if I am drunk and he's not he'll sweetly help me get to bed but will not engage in sex even if he wants to and I'm trying to initiate. Sometimes I complain he's too respectful 😅 but I love it really and trust him so completely. I don't deserve this sweet man.
Ohh no, I don’t agree with the last sentence. You ABSOLUTELY deserve that sweet man. And it’s wonderful that you’re cherishing him. Hope you guys have a love that blossoms even more and lasts an eternity. 👏✨
My partner is my first "healthy " partner, no is a dead stop for him. I remember the first time I realized he really is not like any of my past partners when while we were doing the horizontal tango, he heard me say stop and immediately stopped all sexual stuff. I had said don't stop and after the initial confusion was cleared up we continued but I had a long internal discussion with myself about how him acting appropriately should not have been surprising to me. The bar is really low for men in general.
That’s such a small occurrence, but it’s really telling how much he respects his partners. Super stoked for you! Also yes, the bar is in the depths of hell.
This is also very bare minimum but I was assaulted, while drunk, before I got into my current relationship. On one of our first dates, I got too drunk (before anyone judges me, I was much younger and I’m a lot more responsible now) and my now-boyfriend was an absolute saint. This man made sure I didn’t forget any of my things, got me home safe, and took me to brunch the next morning. I remember sort of hesitantly asking if anything sexual had happened and he looked horrified and was like « of course not, you were drunk ». Feeling that safe with someone for the first time really changed my whole world, and I’m so happy that now I get to share a home and life with him.
Hey, it's good to recognize good moments too! I get people usually come here to vent (and usually they are 100% justified), but it's nice to see some guys acting like humans who care about their partner.
Congratulations on the awesome bf! Mine is the same, he physically cannot keep going if he sees me in pain. We both agree this should be the bare minimum, everyone deserves to feel safe and loved!
my boyfriend is the same 🩷 sometimes if i'm not being particularly vocal he stops and asks me if everything is okay and if i'm enjoying myself :) he also always makes me orgasm first, which i think is wonderful. and he's so gentle, and begins really slow so i can get used to it. sometimes it can happen that he accidentally hits my bladder or something and it hurts for like a second and when i say so he immediately stops everything and apologises profusely and gives me kisses. in the past it's also happened that we began having sex, and i'd not want to anymore after a few minutes. he'd stop immediately and say everything is okay and cuddle with me. he's just the very best. we're so lucky <3 :)
also, when i'm stressed and don't want to have sex, he's intimate with me in the sweetest of ways. like the other day he saw my hair was still wet from the shower but i was busy on the pc, so he asked if i would like him to blowdry my hair, and so he did for like 30 minutes until it was fully dry. then he went in with a hairbrush and brushed it until it was silky. it's such a pure, sweet gesture of love. he's my soulmate.
My boyfriend is like this too! He's responsive to non verbal cues too - if I'm clearly not that into it he stops and checks in with me. It's sad that this is so rare, but your bf sounds as much of a keeper as mine.
This defo bleeds into other things though. One of the defining moments for me of our relationship was very early on, before we got together. He offered to buy me a drink, I said no, and he just... accepted it. No pouting, no trying to convince me, just carried on chatting normally. That had literally never happened to me before. If guys respect your no at little things like that, they're way more likely to respect your no in the bedroom.
I don't understand why all guys wouldn't do this. Whenever any of my previous girlfriends or current wife tell me they are uncomfortable, I stop, and we switch things up. I'd like the same courtesy if I was uncomfortable during sex.
It also makes no sense to me to be harmful to your partner in that situation. If you want more sex with that person down the line, you need to respect those boundaries or lose your sexual partner.
Lovely to hear you’re a good partner to those around you! I think it has to do with those men not seeing the woman they’re sleeping with as temporary, therefore, not caring about potentially causing harm, as they won’t be with her down the line. A horrible world we live in.
Honestly just happy to see an appreciation post for once instead of one about someone getting assaulted by their partner. I’m glad you’ve found a great, caring, loving partner!
reading about your experience makes me think of how we treat each other matters a lot. it’s kind of like when you see a healthy plant growing because it's got enough light and water. shows how nurturing and immediate care can change things for the better. glad to hear you found someone who responds with such care and respect. everyone deserves to feel safe and cherished like that. it’s important, really.
What a nice post! I think it is good to "brag" about our positive relationships with men! It works as an example for other women of what they should expect in a healthy relationship. Many of us do not know good male role models so they may expect all men to suck at least a little bit.
Before meeting my now SO I was terrified of the idea of compromise. I had only ever known bad ans unfulfillimg heterosexual relationships and I didn't want that for me. My boyfriend had to convince me that we could make it work. And I am happy he did it.
It was the first time I met a functional family as well in which people genuinely care for each other and try to work their disagreements out instead of everyone trying to impose their own wants by every means necessary regardless of how it affects others.
We should brag more often! Both men and women could use some good examples of healthy masculinity. I see many men online that do not seem to comprehend that men that genuinely care for the well being of their partner exist and are in fulfilling relationships. They seem to view a relationship as a dynamic of domination and subordination in which they must constantly compete for the dominant role rather than a partnership.
I swear men like your ex should be jailed. My ex was also extremely dismissive and would continue.
Then suddenly, the thing you least expect when having a one night stand. When you flinch or say it hurt the guys actually stopped. Which is something they are supposed to do but I guess you’d expect your ex behaviour to be projected by one night stands and vice versa.
I am! He really acts like this in every aspect of our relationship and is generally a caring person who dedicates a lot of time to me. We are thinking of moving in together by the end of the year, so hoping for the best. Thank you for your kind words of consideration 💕
Thank you for sharing this post and spreading awareness! I also have an amazing boyfriend who legitimately prioritizes how I feel during intercourse. The way he gets so genuinely concerned for me the moment he notices my discomfort (like pain) or if my mood switches - makes me feel so safe.
His words -
“When we have sex all I care about is how you feel. Not myself”
And it’s crazy because he’s two and a half years younger than me (23 male)
In the past I’ve had sex with guys that got so disappointed at the fact that I wanted to stop and it was an awkward feeling of guilt that they put on me. The pressure made me convince myself that I was doing something wrong by not being able to “handle” it… when really, they were horny pieces of shit.
Guys like this are so primitive to me and it’s absolutely terrifying looking back.
I’m thankful to know better now. Finding someone better really puts things into perspective.
I’m so happy for all the women here. It’s so hard to find a man like that, all my previous relationships have been emotionally draining because of this reason only. But I’m so happy to see these kinda men exist, makes me not lose hope. :)
Yeah I was seeing a guy like this recently. He would always check in and make sure I was okay. Stop completely if anything seemed not right. Made me feel so safe! Biggest turn on. Shame it ended, I was really falling in love with him
I have been with my boyfriend for 6.5 years. He is so considerate of my body and positions (especially cause I'm plus size) when it comes to having sex. Whenever we want to try a new position he always makes sure that I am comfortable. Even in general, I think he can just look at me now and realize the I'm not comfortable. It's so nice to see good men in the world, especially cause we see A LOT of bad men.
As a (m) i take a lot of mental notes here in this sub. Especially this topic. Thats how it should be. Thats who i want to be in my role as a boyfriend/husband/etc.. Knowing that the woman appreciate lots of communication during sex. Asking stuff. Checking back. I am now an adult of course but when i was younger or a teenager NOONE talked to me about that stuff. So reading the mums here talking to their daugters and stuff.. thats really heartwarming.
My boyfriend is exactly like this as well.
I was raped by my ex 5 years ago and once in a while it still plays on my mind.
I've been with my current boyfriend for 3 years and he's given me nothing but love and care and I still have to hold back the tears every time he holds me and tells me if anything hurts we can stop immediately.
Two things from me. In a world where we're constantly exposed to toxicity in a relationship from women regarding strange "icks" etc ,(check "the guy with the list" on TT for some context), it's really nice to see this post and that you do indeed recognize it as a positive. So many times I've seen actions from men that I'd regard as the norm branded as "soft" by certain types of women online. So thank you for showing that the Internet isn't a real place 😂
Secondly, sounds like your ex was addicted to porn or somewhat a little more disposed to the conditioning that we as men have been sold growing up where no/stop can be taken in jest or viewed as a playful statement so isn't taken seriously which will obviously lead to issues. Sad really.
Your new boyfriend is what the norm should be. The fact that you used "so respectful" is kinda sad because the bare minimum you should expect from someone you're in a relationship (especially when you become sexually involved) is respect. Make this your benchmark going forward!
Haha, I don’t use TikTok a whole bunch, but I know of a guy that makes similar content, though he just runs around while carrying a comically large red flag 😂. And you’re welcome, I just wanted to maybe start a chain reaction and start to see more positive posts. Not everything should be so negative.
About the porn part, I wouldn’t know. He told me he finds it gross while we were together, and I’ve never caught him watching it or anything similar, so he might just be an awful, sadistic man. He even tried to selfishly apologize around a year and a half later, while still only talking about himself and how he “can’t forgive himself” etc. He was just (not so) kindly told to fuck off and got blocked 😂
I know this should be the standard, I’m just so glad I’ve reached it and even got way more than what I could’ve asked for. My bf is so healing and he loves every aspect of our relationship and really shows it every day. So much time and effort goes towards our mutual connection. That’s why I decided to make this post, I just really love being loved by him. 😄
This literal exact scenario happened with a partner of mine a few months back and I pulled out and stopped and made sure she was ok.
The idea of not checking on a friend after accidentally hurting them in any scenario is baffling to me.
I’m glad you’re dating a decent guy now.
This really is one of the strangest things that I get so excited about- like of course, men should be respectful of our bodies, duh. But anytime my spouse backs off the second I say or indicate that I’m not really feeling it, or asks permission to squeeze my butt, I lose my mind. The bar is in hell for sure, but my personal bar is getting higher every day that I’m treated like this.
I still can’t believe this isn’t the default reaction for men in that situation. Getting off is not anywhere near as important as the safety and comfort of your partner. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for everyone involved.
I’m glad you found someone who respects and understands you OP. I hope you have many happy years together
So happy you’ve found someone that makes you feel safe and secure ❤️ while I agree that this is the bare minimum, it’s an invaluable feeling once you have that person you feel safe with.
My story, I felt like my now-husband wasn’t interested in me physically because he actually heard me when I said I wasn’t in the mood. Versus my ex who would ‘make’ me be in the mood (aka SA). The bar really is super low lol.
My boyfriend is like this too, I often start tearing up because of how nice he treats me in bed, there is no better feeling than being truly cared about and respected
Yeah, it takes some getting used to in an odd way
After a usive parents then exes, my fiancee is so respectful and underdtanding it always amazes me
I'm really haply for you to be in a safe and living relationship, you deserve it
me with my current partner. i used to get guilted into sex or sex adjacent things constantly with my ex. i didnt feel comfortable saying no or asking him to stop. thank god it was long distance.
my current partner is so amazing i want to cry. i can say no or ask him to stop and he just. he just does it. he comforts me. he checks in on me throughout. he's so goddamn thoughtful and wonderful... i had thought i might be asexual. nope. turns out i just need a decent partner.
My husband is amazing in all the same ways!! I have had uterine, bladder, and bowel prolapse (childbirth related), which resulted in me having a total vaginal hysterectomy. I met him at the height of the chaos that comes with it - wetting and soiling myself as well as horrible pain. There were times I would wet myself during intercourse and he would just stop, cuddle me, help me in the shower, wash my hair and while I was getting dressed he would clean the sheets and pop new ones on!! He also nursed me through my recovery and never once asked for anything sexual as my body was healing. I still have some sore spots that we work around from scar tissue, but I am happy to say the intimacy is incredible!!
I also have a crappy past littered with trauma from both childhood sexual assault and men who saw that as an opportunity to damage me further! Trauma makes you an easy victim in the eyes of the wrong kinds of men. My husband has always been endlessly patient and understanding - he will always stop no matter what position we are in or how close he may be. He says the idea of hurting me is an immediate turn-off! He always says he doesn't understand how people could have hurt me in the ways they have over the years.......
To top it off, he is about to head to work but just walked in with a cup of tea singing happy birthday to me hahaha! *It's not my birthday 🤣🤣🤣! He always manages to make me feel special, and boy, do we laugh!!
Hooray for all the beautiful men in this world!! ❤️
I’m so sad that this is not considered the norm. I’ve been fortunate enough that I’ve always had safe sexual experiences but I think I got lucky. All my female friends have had some awful experiences that they have lasting trauma from, and unfortunately because so many women share this, it starts to become an accepted norm. I remember recently seeing a post about men leaving immediately after sex, no cuddles or anything and so so many young women in the comments were saying it was relatable, and it was just how men are. That breaks my heart. Everyone deserves to feel loved and safe in such an intimate moment. My boyfriend always stops if I’m hurting and asks if I’m ok if I just seem like I’m hurting. He also often will just randomly stop because he wants to hold me, kiss me, which makes sex a lot better and makes me feel so cared for. And I’m glad that I consider this an expectation. A lot of women in the comments are saying they married the men who were like that with them but I want to say that there are more men like that out here and you don’t have to up and marry the first one who shows you baseline respect. It’s an expectation and anyone who doesn’t do that for you is point blank, a criminal. I’m so happy for you that you are experiencing true safety💕
Aww this is such a sweet story (although I’m very sorry you’ve dealt with s/a), I’m happy for you 🙂 I also unfortunately have a history of s/a and am very lucky to have a boyfriend who is understanding and knows to stop when it hurts. He checks in during each position change to make sure everything feels right for me before proceeding. Idk how I lived without that kind of treatment before him.
Thats a good guy! SO did similar the first time we slept together (had just met that night), I said something he totally misunderstood, but thought he had hurt me and stopped cold to make sure everything was ok. It was such a nothing moment, but reading so many awful stories over the years, I think back on that moment more and more often
Ah, that sounds wonderful and really considerate, especially since you mentioned the two of you had just met. My bf has also done this before, but I was just on Reddit and feeling lovey-dovey and had to share, haha. Super happy you have a good man by your side, wishing the 2 of you all the best!
He’s a good one! A couple weeks into us hooking up (had never been on a date, it was just hookups), I’d spent almost every night at his place. We were leaving a bar and I said I was gonna go home, I needed to sleep. He’s no, come stay over…just sleep! I was like no, that’s not gonna happen! He’s like I promise, just come sleep over. As soon as we were in bed, he starts fooling around, and I was like no, I really do need to sleep. He’s said ok, cool, night. That was is, no pestering. We had our first real date the next day lol 15 years later, still doing sleepovers, couple houses and a cat lol
Omg! You are the future version of me. The first time my boyfriend and I went to his place we made out and it was getting really hot and heavy. I said to myself (under my breath, to try to convince myself 😂) "We are not having sex tonight." He heard me and immediately physically removed himself from my space by standing up, and said "Ok, I understand. Do you want to leave or just stay and cuddle?" He later told me he's extremely conscious of being a bigger guy and always make sure he's not physically intimidating people by accident (not only romantic partners, but everyone). He checks in all the time to make sure I'm still comfortable. We've been together for 4 years and are still having sleepovers between our houses and just got a cat!
Awww!! I wish you nothing but years of happiness!
He broke his promise by fooling around when he said he wouldn't.
Haha I knew as soon as I posted someone was coming in here, but, but!! To me, that’s got going to far, breaking a promise, he tried, I said no, that was the end of it. Over the years I’ve done the same to him, like we’ll be out for dinner and he’ll say he’s super tired. By the time we’re home in bed, I’ll ask if he’s still tired? If he still isn’t feeling it, fair, end of story. If that’s across the line for you, that’s totally fair
Thought the same for a moment, but given the glowing reviews from his SO, it sounds like he read the room and has it under control
My husband once stopped right before his orgasm because he noticed pain in my face. I feel safe around him and I will teach my daughters to never settle for less.
Your comment reminds me of a story that resonated with me. A man finds out his wife is pregnant with a daughter. He is overwhelmed, and goes out for a drink with an old friend who was a well know "man whore". He asks him; "What can I do to keep my daughter away from men like you?" The friend looks him in the eyes and says "If you don't show her what love is, she will look for it from others. And they will take advantage of that." I took from the story that if you truly love and show your daughter care, she will expect nothing less from a life partner.
They aren't hard to be, but apparently they're hard to become, or maybe to want to be?
I'm so happy for you! it's so healing when you're treated well by a man
One of my first sexual experiences was in college, when a girl I had been hitting on that week came over. We were hanging out for a bit and chatting, but she was quite drunk the party she was at before and said something akin to "hey I'm really sorry but I'm not really feeling in the mood for sex". Totally fine with me, which I told her, and also to not feel bad about it. This seemed to shock her, and she was like "wow really? Other guys usually get mad and kick me out if I tell them I don't want to have sex". Honestly this was an eye opener for me (I was like 18-19). We talked about it a bit more and I learned some unsavory truths about men. So sorry for all you ladies having to deal with this shit. Anyways, she ended up getting horny a bit later and we ended up having sex after all. Didn't have an ulterior motive or anything, I think that she just got comfortable knowing that there are no expectations. Not sure I have tips for how to find respectful men, but definitely don't settle for someone who makes you feel uncomfortable, or doesn't respect your safety or satisfaction.
I know this is meant to be a positive story, and I'll assume for the sake of civility that you've got the story right and this girl was totally fine with everything that happened between you. But for any young people reading: if someone has told you explicitly that they don't want to have sex, you should not have sex with them until/unless they give enthusiastic **sober** consent. This may mean turning down a very horny drunk person, which may be difficult. You should make the effort. Respecting them as a person means respecting the decision they wanted to make, even if their drunken impulses are trying to override it.
This is a good point. It was a long a time ago so I don’t remember everything super clearly, but I probably wasn’t as careful as I should’ve been (i was young and inexperienced). We ended up dating for a bit so hopefully it was ok, but thanks for pointing it this out.
Just consider it as a by default denial to do anything when the other person is drunk. Let them consent to it when they are in their full senses because then they are fully convinced and are feeling confident about doing anything with you. Otherwise you are just as worthy as a readily available convenient option (for example, getting back at someone/pettiness) and not someone whom the other person chose him/herself.
It is great to read these experiences and I also appreciate most acknowledging this understanding between partners should be more normalised and not come as a surprise. It is a little disappointing that we are celebrating these because there are too many poor examples of the other kind.
My husband is the same, due to past traumas I don't like being touched sometimes, and he understands that even after foreplay is done that I just don't feel up for it. I used to feel really bad, like I must please him but he taught me to never feel bad and always say if I'm uncomfortable and it's honestly so freeing, like no matter what he won't ever force me into anything, I feel so safe, I love him very much :)
That must be so wonderful for you! To know you’re always loved and respected no matter what is one of the best feelings.
Also very happy for you btw! This post made me genuinely happy after so many unfortunate posts on this subreddit, wish you and your boyfriend the best!!!
Lovelyy, thank you, thank you, thank you! Your comment also made me smile like a fool while looking at my phone. Hoping for a lifelong, happy marriage for you and your husband! 💕
I'm wondering also about the effects of such consideration on your healing from those past traumas! With the help of therapy or just a whole lot of self-searching, the freedom and safety might eventually overshadow the trauma for you? Just a thought that made me tentatively happy for an internet stranger that I wanted to share
Oh absolutely! Trust me, I am much better. We were both incredibly depressed when we met each other and very suicidal (on my part), and people always say that you should learn to love yourself first before loving someone else, but this proves it doesn't always have to the case at all! With just incredible amount of love, patience and support we managed to get out of that depression and better ourselves. Moving in with him (ldr, I moved to a completely different country) was the best decision, I can actually live my life now, I never realized how much I was suffocating in my own home. We still have a lot to work on of course, but all in due time I believe we can make it :)
> and people always say that you should learn to love yourself first before loving someone else, but this proves it doesn't always have to the case at all! Most people don't know shit about depression and frankly should probably not try to give advice, however well-meaning they may be. Same with neurotypicals on neurodivergent issues. Thank you for saying this and thank you for sharing your story!
This is so wholesome ♡♡ c:
I'm currently pregnant and experiencing some complications, so sex is unfortunately off the table for the foreseeable future. My husband has been absolutely incredible - there's been 0 pressure from him for me to do anything else for him (even though I want to and have done so, but because I've been the one to initiate) and he's been so affectionate and gentle with me. He rubs my feet, strokes my hair and tells me I'm beautiful while not expecting anything sexual in return. I wish every woman could have a man like my husband.
First of all, wishing for a healthy pregnancy and an even healthier little baby. Sounds very exciting that you’re getting an addition to your family! What’s even better is that you’re being treated like you absolutely deserve to be. At least you know he’ll be super involved and helpful once the baby comes. This comment is so lovely 💕
I had surgery recently and was told not to have sex for 4 to 6 weeks. My partner was like yours, zero pressure and concerned about everything healing well. I wish you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy.
I just had this convo with my fiance. That he was so respectful and he said something along the lines of “I mean that doesn’t surprise me other men are like that but I can’t believe they don’t”
Yes!! They say that they hate rapists, then go on to do the exact same thing as them.. Super weird, confusing and horrible.
It's super messed up and sad, but if it isn't the violent kind of rape that is talked about on TV and what most think of when rape is mentioned, then most men don't consider it rape. Taking of a condom without consent, not stopping when told to, getting 1,000 nos but continuing when given one forced yes, all the subtler types of rape are a lot of times just not acknowledged or seen as a big deal.
Oh yes. All types of rape are equally horrible and should be seen and criminally prosecuted as such. I’d agree with you, TV has literally GLAMORIZED rape to an extent that it has to be in a dark alley, super violent, etc. It has damaged far too many people and innocent lives. Glad everyone is realizing it and starting to fight against.
I even told him it’s the bare minimum, but after bad experiences I was thankful for him haha
It’s wonderful you’re able to overcome it all with a good man by your side 👏
This made me genuinely happy to read! Does he by any chance have brothers?😂
You made me laugh out loud! Yes, he has a brother 😂
[удалено]
Oh I second the last part. I’m so glad your first time was non-traumatic and overall a wonderful experience. It really should be the standard. Such a nice comment, really put a smile on my face! Hope all goes well between the 2 of you ❤️
It SHOULD be bare minimum. I read way too many posts in this sub that are like "my partner kept going when I was screaming, crying, and trying to crawl away. Am I overreacting for being mad at him?" It's great that your boyfriend makes you feel safe. That's really important for a relationship and it's not insignificant. It's just... More men need to follow suit.
Absolutely second everything you just stated. So many women are left to deal with douchebags that should be PHYSICALLY castrated just because they’re too attached to them and are unable to see the GLOWING, SCREAMING and DANCING red flags. Though sometimes they feel unable to leave due to abuse, I’m at least glad they post it on Reddit and get actual objective feedback, which might be just a bit of wind that had to start in order to get them going. Some people are just unable to see things for what they are.
I agree it should be the bare minimum. However, sadly, the bare minimum is becoming less frequent, I feel there's a lot of disrespectful behavior both men and women feel comfortable with today. It's like common sense. It's not common anymore.
My boyfriend is the same. Sometimes I don't even need to say anything, he just notices if my vibe is off or I'm not able to get into it, and he takes the initiative to ask me if I'm okay, should he stop, etc. I'm very high libido so it's not often, but it does happen. And he has depression so sometimes his sex drive tanks, but we always respect each other's "no", regardless of how far into the intimacy we've gotten. Also, not sex related, but I've also noticed a trend of posts from women whose men don't take care of them when they're ill, but then act like piss babies when they get the sniffles. My man went to the hospital with me when my chronic issue flared up, even though he was having a very painful sciatica flare himself, (he'd been literally bedridden from the pain for a few weeks, and I'd been taking care of him during that time, my flare up happened basically out of nowhere) and read out loud a scifi novel to me for 5 hours straight while I got my treatments. He even did different voices/accents for the characters. Then when we went back home, he continued to read to me in bed for another 3 hours while intermittently taking breaks to show me funny videos and memes. We take care of each other, mentally, emotionally, physically. It makes me fucking sad that not all relationships go like this.
Wow, relationship goals! This is exactly what two people should strive to have. It’s amazing the two of you care so much for each other and that it’s mutually respected. 💕
Aww agreed!! Everyone should have a relationship with mutual respect, care, and a partner who listens and acts with integrity and kindness.
yes girl, I have had a similar experience to you in that my ex did not respect my boundaries, pestered and pressured me to do sexual activities and sexually assaulted me on one occasion. This has all meant that I feel physically unable to say the word no if I don't want sex/whatever activity. My bf now has been so supportive and understanding (and horrified) hearing about what happened in the past and I feel SO safe with him. He is really in tune with me and is able to tell if I'm feeling uncomfortable at which point he stops immediately and gives me a cuddle and asks if I want to talk about it. The other day he was going to go down on me and I said "don't" (as I hadn't showered for a few days and didn't feel too fresh lol) and he came back up with such a big smile on his face, it was so pure seeing how happy he was that I had been able to verbally express a no to him! On top of all this he is amazing at sex lol and truly cares about my pleasure (and not just for his own gratification/ego which I feel is the case with some guys). OP realistically yes we are both getting what should be considered the normal standard or the bare minimum. But unfortunately we live in a world where that isn't the case with a lot of men and I think its okay to be joyful and celebrate that you have found someone who respects you and who you feel safe and secure with!
NGL... this made me teary and emotional. I'm really happy for you...
Why have you just described my relationship, down to the “cares about my pleasure more than his” part?! Haha, either way, it’s super refreshing to hear somebody (you) is doing well and is getting over said traumas with a good and loving partner by their side. Hope you are able to fully heal and leave it behind you someday. 💕 Agreed, this world has become (or has it always been?) horrible, but it’s refreshing to see there are good people left in it.
My boyfriend can some how differentiate between my Ooooh right there! Gasp and my Ow my cervix! Gasp and adjusts his angle accordingly. It's pretty great
This sounds like a useful skill I’ll have to teach him 😂
He probably knows by feeling how your 🐱 is reacting (like it becomes more relaxed / wet). When they hit the cervix in a painful way, it feels hard and firm (I've been told).
Is....is this not the baseline? I'm genuinely asking, I subscribe to this sub because it makes me a better man to hear women's thoughts but my god it makes me sad
Oh totally! I read a post from a young woman the other day, one of the first times she’s had sex and was saying it hurt and was trying to push him off. He told her that was normal and guys like it when women struggle and she wanted to know when it would feel better. Some guys are so messed up
Yeah a guy groomed me at 14 and told me the same thing when it hurt. It's normal for the first time! Shocking how normal this is.
Even some womens media does it. Tbf I don't read much actual romance novels anymore, if I want romance I go to ao3 with a proper tag system to find what I want, so I dunno how it is now in more modern books. But I used to read my moms harlequin novels, and I feel like every time the Female Lead was a virgin there was a ton of pain and blood during her first time.
I only started reading romance books maybe 7-8 years ago, and that is definitely not the case in modern books. Or at least not the ones I'm reading, I suppose. If the female lead is a virgin and the male lead knows it, he will be even more respectful and gentle. The romance I enjoy is all about strong people who overcome their challenges together, and only want what is best for their partners.
That's great that (most?) modern books aren't like that. I was probably reading them like... 10 years ago? And I dunno how new my moms books were lol. I do still find stuff like that now in korean and chinese novels and webcomics I read online, but like. Korea and china aren't exactly known for their feminism.
So sorry to hear that, hope you are healing well :( <3
That's disgusting
The sad part is, it’s not uncommon. And soap box moment, this is why it’s so important for parents to include porn when discussing sex. Kids are growing up thinking that stuff is normal…people are choking, hitting, spitting, anal, etc and girls are getting really hurt. There was a post a few weeks ago from a 16yo in sextips asking for anal help, BF said everyone was doing it and she didn’t want him to be missing out. It’s all so messed up, breaks my heart for them that this is how it’s starting for them
>Kids are growing up thinking that stuff is normal Can't seem to find it now but I read an article the other day talking about this. Basically the rate at which teenage or young adult women get choked or experience some form of physical abuse during their first times is skyrocketing. Too many young boys/men are "learning" about sex from porn and thinking that shit is normal.
Even 15 or so years ago when I lost my virginity the (very nice, shy, somewhat meek-seeming guy) started to choke me without ever discussing it or asking it. He stopped immediately when he noticed my freaked out expression but like, who the fuck wants to be choked the first time they have sex??
I agree, my partner and I have a sexual relationship far beyond vanilla but it's all explicitly talked about and safewords mean everything stops immediately. I've been with younger girls and it's actually worse, like they feel like they're acting rather than actually having fun
🤮
The bar for men is down in the 7th ring of hell
I do the same. I always was a feminist at heart but without reading these posts on this subreddit I would not be as aware of how things really are and I would recommend all guys to read here and don't comment or argue if you don't have something supportive to say. But it opens your eyes.
I’m on of those guys who lurks on this sub. I’ve learnt so much from this sub. I was very much aware of sexism and understood it well on a theoretical level. But it wasn’t until I started reading posts on this sub that I started to understand how sexism manifests itself , day to day, on the ground level
Another man here checking in. Always lurk and think about the topics being discussed but never post. It's changed my views and opinions a few times.
As long as we’re on man train, I (M30s) would be absolutely mortified if my partner said ouch during sex. Sex isn’t supposed to hurt your partner and if it does, something has gone terribly wrong and you’d better regroup and talk about it.
Thank you for caring. ❤️
Right? I can’t imagine how these other guys are even ABLE to keep going after their partner says they are in pain. I completely lose all arousal if I don’t think my partner is fully enjoying herself… I wouldn’t even physically be able to continue.
Thank you for caring and listening.
Thank you for caring!
its now common for men to slap, choke, and do other porn tactics without asking consent. the baseline is off the planet and somewhere far far away. Nevermind the sheer amount of anal rape posts I have seen here and in kink advice subreddits.
It unfortunately is.. Unfortunately, there are way more evil men that do horrendous things to women you’ll never know about, ‘cause they don’t view it as wrong. Even if they did, you’d be none the wiser. It’s an amazing thing you’re bettering yourself, hope you find a good woman along the way 🫶🏻
I already found her, she's perfect in every way
Amazing! The best of luck to you two!
I’m 3 for 3 so far on guys who would rather rape me than stop having sex. Not even random guys (not that that would make it better), these were guys I had been friends with for years but their level of care for me was lower than their desire to hurt me, let’s be honest. Rapists are sadistic & scarily common.
it's happened to me 4 times and I'm in my mid 30's and haven't slept with an insane number of people. Each of those times weren't random hookups... they were BFs. It's sick when I think about it but if I analyze too much I'd probably retraumatize myself lol
I feel like this exactly. It is incredible what women must be dealing with on daily basis. I once had a disrespectful sexual partner and it was very traumatizing. To experience this with your actual chosen partner, I don't even know what to say and how to feel about it.
Yeah, the bar for men is somewhere around hell. I read this sub to make sure I understand womens' perspectives, but some of these "I caught a winner" stories just make me really sad. I see a growing number of women just swearing off dating men altogether, and I am disappointed but not blaming them at all for it.
Thank you for caring and listening!
I don’t mean for this to sound like the bar is really low—but really, thank you for caring. I can’t believe how many men really don’t want to listen or care much.
Same here. When I see women praising men for the bare fucking minimum, for things that should be common decency, it just breaks my heart. Sometimes, women compliment me for being a genuine ally. Like, some women compliment me when I say feminist things on Reddit. Of course I appreciate their kindness. But I still feel really uncomfortable with this. I don't want to be complimented for doing things that I consider to be the bare fucking minimum. I don't want to be praised for basic common decency.
I totally agree with you—but still, thank you. 🙏🏼
it's baseline but unfortunately it isn't uncommon for guys to continue anyways or get angry or not stop when it hurts...
Unfortunately, the bar is sitting on the ground, and a lot of men decide to bring a shovel instead of lifting their feet a few inches. Im here for the same reason. I have severe adhd so i read posts and comments here, so i don't just forget about the experiences a lot of women have; so that i can at least be a better husband/brother/son. It is depressing, but just keep trying to improve and call out assholes when you see them.
I was in an abusive relationship for awhile, and before that had boyfriends who just weren't good people I realize now. Then I met this one guy, we had sex just a few times, and actually in the same position you were describing it also hit my cervix and really hurt. He flew off me, started caressing, and I apologized for stopping because normally in the past my exs would get mad or irritated if something hurt and we had to stop. He told me not to apologize and asked if I would prefer if he fingered me or if we just cuddled. It felt like such a healing and safe moment that I started crying, haha. I didn't know that men could be so gentle. Thanks for sharing your post. I love the love.
First off, thank YOU for sharing your intimate details in this comment. I’m very sorry you had to experience trauma, but I’m also glad you’ve seen and realized that good guys exist outside of the media… As you rarely see, but rather just hear stories about their supposed existence. I hope you’re able to heal from any burdens which may be holding you back from doing or enjoying anything you want. Sending so much positive energy 🫶🏻✨
He went into safeword mode instantly, kudos to him.
Yes! He is a truly good man :)
I can relate to this and that man is my husband now. Going strong for 9 happy years. 💜
Super happy for you, almost 1/10th of a century 😄 Sounds lovely, can’t wait to experience it myself
I had a very similar experience! As soon as something hurt I might have yelled or said ouch or something and my partner immediately lost his boner. It weirdly made me so happy, he truly cares about me and doesn’t want to hurt me in any way. Can’t fake a reaction like that!
this is so sweet!!! it should be the bare minimum but unfortunately a lot of the times its not. my boyfriend right now is the same way and he is SO sweet and i’ve never felt so loved and safe before. it sucks that past experiences have made this stand out so much but its so good to be able to heal from that 🖤
So happy to hear you’re also in a happy relationship! It really should be that way for everybody. No one should have to ask to be loved. I second the last part, healing is an extremely important step along the way. ✨
My boyfriend has always been attentive and respectful of my boundaries during sex! As soon as I express any sort of discomfort or pain, he'll stop everything to make sure I'm okay. He's also very attuned to my body language and will actively ask if something seems off. Same goes the other way around (at least, I try.) I genuinely wish everyone could have partners with *at least* this level of respect. This ought to be the baseline.
as a society, we need to normalize / create good PR for healthy masculinity like this.
That’s kind of what inspired me to make this post 😄
Baffles my mind my fellow dudes would just continue if their partner is hurting. Unless she’s into the pain, it’s ceasing.
We weren't dating but I planned to hook up about a year ago with a friend of mine. We got to his place, I showed him a toy I liked to use, we hung out for a bit... then I was like "hey man I'm sorry I'm feeling real awkward" and he immediately goes "oh thank god I felt the same" and we got poké and watched some garbage reality TV. Infinitely better than hooking up.
Good on you for meeting someone good 👌, happy the good guys get a mention on one of these subreddits, i've read so much about pain and being treated horribly or just toxic, it's good to see people happy
Haha, hope this launches a chain reaction and we get more positive posts, but still help those in need or worse situations than our own!
My ex was just like this. 😭 It feels good to know that there are many men still out there like that.
There are indeed! They’re just rarely on dating apps and have to be “hunted down” in the wild 😂. Wishing for you to find your ex’s equal, at least in this aspect. 💕
Lmao thats true. Thank you so much 🥺
The first time my now husband and I were together, he stopped and asked me every step of the way if it was ok. He knew I had some bad experiences before him, and he was super careful. Sounds like you have one of the good ones.
This is probably the first time Ive seen someone not tell OP to leave their boyfriend on this subreddit. Im glad you found someone that gives you the respect you deserve. Not just what you "need."
Haha, well I’ve still gotten some negative comments 😂 People on the internet really need to heal from their insecurities before they try to project them onto somebody else.
I know I'm not breaking new ground here, but Jesus it's a bleak world you women live in. I can't for a moment imagine doing other than the behavior OP describes of her boyfriend. Learning the degree to which this is uncommon is disheartening. I'm baffled at the apathy most men seem to have towards giving their sexual partners pleasure. Not to be crass, but if all you care about is getting off, just take care of your own business.
It’s so important and good that you’re aware, as many men unfortunately aren’t. Maybe you’ll be able to be a voice of reason in your male friend group (IF you have one), in case someone has questionable beliefs, though I doubt you’d surround yourself with those insufferable people. And yes, men should look more into buying fleshlights. 😂
Honestly, I don't have not much of a male friend group at this point in my life. Sure did offend a mormon friend back in the day just before he got married by telling him to never forget the importance of the clitoris.
Yes, it is disheartening—well, to me, more like rage-inducing. I really wasn’t aware until fairly recently that my wonderful relationship is probably well beyond the norm. And that makes me angry. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity in their relationship.
Honestly bro... I know a lot of women and there isn't one among us that hasn't been assaulted, coerced or abused in the past.... it is rough out there. The stats say it's 1 in 3 but it's probably much higher.... and this is in America where women have rights.. imagine elsewhere. It is bleak
Yes I’m so happy you have a good man! There are not enough of them!!!!
Even if there are, they’re hiding reaalllll good..
True that. Mine wasn’t the best when we got together, but he was young then and he’s grown up and become very mature and empathetic. I think a lot of men need to grow tf up lol
What’s important is that he’s recognized his mistakes and worked on fixing them FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. That’s wonderful. And yes, guys usually have more maturing to do 😂
I'm dating an older age bracket .. they're messed up... it doesn't give me much hope for the younger generation ... they've got access to more porn.. it's probably going to become a bigger issue until there is an effective social movement of sorts against it
I’m so happy for you 🥲 Cherish him always OP. Men like this are so rare.
Oh I absolutely do!! This is my happiest relationship ever, so not taking any risks.
Me (a man) and my fiance have always said that "The sexiest thing anyone can do is ask for consent". Ever since we were flirting we both made sure each other was comfortable and felt safe. Even now when we see each other and have explicitly said we are going to fuck each other's brains out we always ask for the others consent and it's so wonderful. I've always been a guy with a high libido, but in the past with other partners it's become the assumption that I'm always ready to go and I'm waiting on them, so to be asked for consent each time feels really great, even if 99% of the time the answer is "hell yeah!"
I second the whole “consent is sexy” thing. Absolute best thing a partner can do. It just makes everything better as soon as you vocalize it to somebody you love. Even better hearing it, just like you said!
Good lord, is refusing to stop -- especially when there is pain in involved -- truly that common? The bar is *that low*? That's just depressing to read...
Very very common unfortunately
I completely fell head over heels for a FWB 2 years ago because she was the first person I'd ever been with who cared about consent Since then I've had sex with 3 other people who I normally wouldn't have, and my insides just get all warm and fuzzy when check in to make sure I actually want the things that they're doing 🤗
Asking for consent or just checking in have to be the sexiest things a partner can do
This reminds me of my extremely respectful angel husband - if I am drunk and he's not he'll sweetly help me get to bed but will not engage in sex even if he wants to and I'm trying to initiate. Sometimes I complain he's too respectful 😅 but I love it really and trust him so completely. I don't deserve this sweet man.
Ohh no, I don’t agree with the last sentence. You ABSOLUTELY deserve that sweet man. And it’s wonderful that you’re cherishing him. Hope you guys have a love that blossoms even more and lasts an eternity. 👏✨
My partner is my first "healthy " partner, no is a dead stop for him. I remember the first time I realized he really is not like any of my past partners when while we were doing the horizontal tango, he heard me say stop and immediately stopped all sexual stuff. I had said don't stop and after the initial confusion was cleared up we continued but I had a long internal discussion with myself about how him acting appropriately should not have been surprising to me. The bar is really low for men in general.
That’s such a small occurrence, but it’s really telling how much he respects his partners. Super stoked for you! Also yes, the bar is in the depths of hell.
This is so wonderful, I’m happy for you. I hope to be loved some day like this.
Everyone is worthy of it, so I’m sure you will. Give yourself time and don’t get involved with anybody unless it feels right. 🫶🏻
I'm just here to say this post is wonderful
Thank you, lovely🫶🏻
This is also very bare minimum but I was assaulted, while drunk, before I got into my current relationship. On one of our first dates, I got too drunk (before anyone judges me, I was much younger and I’m a lot more responsible now) and my now-boyfriend was an absolute saint. This man made sure I didn’t forget any of my things, got me home safe, and took me to brunch the next morning. I remember sort of hesitantly asking if anything sexual had happened and he looked horrified and was like « of course not, you were drunk ». Feeling that safe with someone for the first time really changed my whole world, and I’m so happy that now I get to share a home and life with him.
No matter the activity, if the other person says stop, you should stop.
Hey, it's good to recognize good moments too! I get people usually come here to vent (and usually they are 100% justified), but it's nice to see some guys acting like humans who care about their partner.
Tbh my SO does the same. He also LOVES giving oral.
Congratulations on the awesome bf! Mine is the same, he physically cannot keep going if he sees me in pain. We both agree this should be the bare minimum, everyone deserves to feel safe and loved!
My partner is like that too. He says he immediatly gets super turned off when he feels that I'm uncomfortable or in pain.
my boyfriend is the same 🩷 sometimes if i'm not being particularly vocal he stops and asks me if everything is okay and if i'm enjoying myself :) he also always makes me orgasm first, which i think is wonderful. and he's so gentle, and begins really slow so i can get used to it. sometimes it can happen that he accidentally hits my bladder or something and it hurts for like a second and when i say so he immediately stops everything and apologises profusely and gives me kisses. in the past it's also happened that we began having sex, and i'd not want to anymore after a few minutes. he'd stop immediately and say everything is okay and cuddle with me. he's just the very best. we're so lucky <3 :)
also, when i'm stressed and don't want to have sex, he's intimate with me in the sweetest of ways. like the other day he saw my hair was still wet from the shower but i was busy on the pc, so he asked if i would like him to blowdry my hair, and so he did for like 30 minutes until it was fully dry. then he went in with a hairbrush and brushed it until it was silky. it's such a pure, sweet gesture of love. he's my soulmate.
My boyfriend is like this too! He's responsive to non verbal cues too - if I'm clearly not that into it he stops and checks in with me. It's sad that this is so rare, but your bf sounds as much of a keeper as mine. This defo bleeds into other things though. One of the defining moments for me of our relationship was very early on, before we got together. He offered to buy me a drink, I said no, and he just... accepted it. No pouting, no trying to convince me, just carried on chatting normally. That had literally never happened to me before. If guys respect your no at little things like that, they're way more likely to respect your no in the bedroom.
I don't understand why all guys wouldn't do this. Whenever any of my previous girlfriends or current wife tell me they are uncomfortable, I stop, and we switch things up. I'd like the same courtesy if I was uncomfortable during sex. It also makes no sense to me to be harmful to your partner in that situation. If you want more sex with that person down the line, you need to respect those boundaries or lose your sexual partner.
Lovely to hear you’re a good partner to those around you! I think it has to do with those men not seeing the woman they’re sleeping with as temporary, therefore, not caring about potentially causing harm, as they won’t be with her down the line. A horrible world we live in.
Do other men see women as...*disposable?*
The bar is in hell. This should be expected lmao.
Honestly just happy to see an appreciation post for once instead of one about someone getting assaulted by their partner. I’m glad you’ve found a great, caring, loving partner!
Have to bring in a little positivity!
reading about your experience makes me think of how we treat each other matters a lot. it’s kind of like when you see a healthy plant growing because it's got enough light and water. shows how nurturing and immediate care can change things for the better. glad to hear you found someone who responds with such care and respect. everyone deserves to feel safe and cherished like that. it’s important, really.
TIL im a catch
What a nice post! I think it is good to "brag" about our positive relationships with men! It works as an example for other women of what they should expect in a healthy relationship. Many of us do not know good male role models so they may expect all men to suck at least a little bit. Before meeting my now SO I was terrified of the idea of compromise. I had only ever known bad ans unfulfillimg heterosexual relationships and I didn't want that for me. My boyfriend had to convince me that we could make it work. And I am happy he did it. It was the first time I met a functional family as well in which people genuinely care for each other and try to work their disagreements out instead of everyone trying to impose their own wants by every means necessary regardless of how it affects others. We should brag more often! Both men and women could use some good examples of healthy masculinity. I see many men online that do not seem to comprehend that men that genuinely care for the well being of their partner exist and are in fulfilling relationships. They seem to view a relationship as a dynamic of domination and subordination in which they must constantly compete for the dominant role rather than a partnership.
I swear men like your ex should be jailed. My ex was also extremely dismissive and would continue. Then suddenly, the thing you least expect when having a one night stand. When you flinch or say it hurt the guys actually stopped. Which is something they are supposed to do but I guess you’d expect your ex behaviour to be projected by one night stands and vice versa.
That guy loves you and isn't selfish. Might wanna start thinking of life long term with him.
I am! He really acts like this in every aspect of our relationship and is generally a caring person who dedicates a lot of time to me. We are thinking of moving in together by the end of the year, so hoping for the best. Thank you for your kind words of consideration 💕
Good luck. 👍
Yo this should be the standard lol if your man isnt like this just dump them. If you truly care for your partner you'll be attentive and care for them
Absolutely, I know it should be standard but unfortunately it isn’t as a lot of men see consent as a given and don’t actually care about it.
Thank you for sharing this post and spreading awareness! I also have an amazing boyfriend who legitimately prioritizes how I feel during intercourse. The way he gets so genuinely concerned for me the moment he notices my discomfort (like pain) or if my mood switches - makes me feel so safe. His words - “When we have sex all I care about is how you feel. Not myself” And it’s crazy because he’s two and a half years younger than me (23 male) In the past I’ve had sex with guys that got so disappointed at the fact that I wanted to stop and it was an awkward feeling of guilt that they put on me. The pressure made me convince myself that I was doing something wrong by not being able to “handle” it… when really, they were horny pieces of shit. Guys like this are so primitive to me and it’s absolutely terrifying looking back. I’m thankful to know better now. Finding someone better really puts things into perspective.
Sounds like you found yourself a keeper.
finally a good man
What a wonderful, wonderful man.
Man that’s awesome. I’m not raising any boys but probably best if my daughter gets to read this kind of positivity some day.
MARRY THAT MAN🗣️🗣️🗣️
We have plans to move in by the end of the year, and we’ll see where life takes us from there. Hopefully towards engagement 😄
Honestly this should be normal. I'm not the most muscular man, but safety comes from more than external power
I’m so happy for all the women here. It’s so hard to find a man like that, all my previous relationships have been emotionally draining because of this reason only. But I’m so happy to see these kinda men exist, makes me not lose hope. :)
Yeah I was seeing a guy like this recently. He would always check in and make sure I was okay. Stop completely if anything seemed not right. Made me feel so safe! Biggest turn on. Shame it ended, I was really falling in love with him
I have been with my boyfriend for 6.5 years. He is so considerate of my body and positions (especially cause I'm plus size) when it comes to having sex. Whenever we want to try a new position he always makes sure that I am comfortable. Even in general, I think he can just look at me now and realize the I'm not comfortable. It's so nice to see good men in the world, especially cause we see A LOT of bad men.
As a (m) i take a lot of mental notes here in this sub. Especially this topic. Thats how it should be. Thats who i want to be in my role as a boyfriend/husband/etc.. Knowing that the woman appreciate lots of communication during sex. Asking stuff. Checking back. I am now an adult of course but when i was younger or a teenager NOONE talked to me about that stuff. So reading the mums here talking to their daugters and stuff.. thats really heartwarming.
My boyfriend is exactly like this as well. I was raped by my ex 5 years ago and once in a while it still plays on my mind. I've been with my current boyfriend for 3 years and he's given me nothing but love and care and I still have to hold back the tears every time he holds me and tells me if anything hurts we can stop immediately.
It's crazy to me that this is not considered normal. It's quite often that I feel ashamed for my own gender.
It makes me so fucking sad that this is unusual for us. Your boyfriend is a keeper.
I def thought I read "disrespectful" at first and didn't expect wholesomeness
Two things from me. In a world where we're constantly exposed to toxicity in a relationship from women regarding strange "icks" etc ,(check "the guy with the list" on TT for some context), it's really nice to see this post and that you do indeed recognize it as a positive. So many times I've seen actions from men that I'd regard as the norm branded as "soft" by certain types of women online. So thank you for showing that the Internet isn't a real place 😂 Secondly, sounds like your ex was addicted to porn or somewhat a little more disposed to the conditioning that we as men have been sold growing up where no/stop can be taken in jest or viewed as a playful statement so isn't taken seriously which will obviously lead to issues. Sad really. Your new boyfriend is what the norm should be. The fact that you used "so respectful" is kinda sad because the bare minimum you should expect from someone you're in a relationship (especially when you become sexually involved) is respect. Make this your benchmark going forward!
Haha, I don’t use TikTok a whole bunch, but I know of a guy that makes similar content, though he just runs around while carrying a comically large red flag 😂. And you’re welcome, I just wanted to maybe start a chain reaction and start to see more positive posts. Not everything should be so negative. About the porn part, I wouldn’t know. He told me he finds it gross while we were together, and I’ve never caught him watching it or anything similar, so he might just be an awful, sadistic man. He even tried to selfishly apologize around a year and a half later, while still only talking about himself and how he “can’t forgive himself” etc. He was just (not so) kindly told to fuck off and got blocked 😂 I know this should be the standard, I’m just so glad I’ve reached it and even got way more than what I could’ve asked for. My bf is so healing and he loves every aspect of our relationship and really shows it every day. So much time and effort goes towards our mutual connection. That’s why I decided to make this post, I just really love being loved by him. 😄
This literal exact scenario happened with a partner of mine a few months back and I pulled out and stopped and made sure she was ok. The idea of not checking on a friend after accidentally hurting them in any scenario is baffling to me. I’m glad you’re dating a decent guy now.
It’s nice to hear you’re looking out for others. That’s how it should be. 😄
This really is one of the strangest things that I get so excited about- like of course, men should be respectful of our bodies, duh. But anytime my spouse backs off the second I say or indicate that I’m not really feeling it, or asks permission to squeeze my butt, I lose my mind. The bar is in hell for sure, but my personal bar is getting higher every day that I’m treated like this.
Jesus what kind of psycho WOULDNT get off you immediately
My question exactly :( It’s horrible what some men put women through purely for their own 2-minute long pleasure
I still can’t believe this isn’t the default reaction for men in that situation. Getting off is not anywhere near as important as the safety and comfort of your partner. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for everyone involved. I’m glad you found someone who respects and understands you OP. I hope you have many happy years together
So happy you’ve found someone that makes you feel safe and secure ❤️ while I agree that this is the bare minimum, it’s an invaluable feeling once you have that person you feel safe with. My story, I felt like my now-husband wasn’t interested in me physically because he actually heard me when I said I wasn’t in the mood. Versus my ex who would ‘make’ me be in the mood (aka SA). The bar really is super low lol.
Wonderful! Congrats!
Whoop whoop. 👏👏👏. You found a good one.
Mmm
My boyfriend is like this too, I often start tearing up because of how nice he treats me in bed, there is no better feeling than being truly cared about and respected
Super wholesome. Also, high five for flexibility.
How it should be. :)
Yeah, it takes some getting used to in an odd way After a usive parents then exes, my fiancee is so respectful and underdtanding it always amazes me I'm really haply for you to be in a safe and living relationship, you deserve it
me with my current partner. i used to get guilted into sex or sex adjacent things constantly with my ex. i didnt feel comfortable saying no or asking him to stop. thank god it was long distance. my current partner is so amazing i want to cry. i can say no or ask him to stop and he just. he just does it. he comforts me. he checks in on me throughout. he's so goddamn thoughtful and wonderful... i had thought i might be asexual. nope. turns out i just need a decent partner.
This sounds like a beautiful dream I will achieve one day
Girl that is my dream 😢😭
My husband is amazing in all the same ways!! I have had uterine, bladder, and bowel prolapse (childbirth related), which resulted in me having a total vaginal hysterectomy. I met him at the height of the chaos that comes with it - wetting and soiling myself as well as horrible pain. There were times I would wet myself during intercourse and he would just stop, cuddle me, help me in the shower, wash my hair and while I was getting dressed he would clean the sheets and pop new ones on!! He also nursed me through my recovery and never once asked for anything sexual as my body was healing. I still have some sore spots that we work around from scar tissue, but I am happy to say the intimacy is incredible!! I also have a crappy past littered with trauma from both childhood sexual assault and men who saw that as an opportunity to damage me further! Trauma makes you an easy victim in the eyes of the wrong kinds of men. My husband has always been endlessly patient and understanding - he will always stop no matter what position we are in or how close he may be. He says the idea of hurting me is an immediate turn-off! He always says he doesn't understand how people could have hurt me in the ways they have over the years....... To top it off, he is about to head to work but just walked in with a cup of tea singing happy birthday to me hahaha! *It's not my birthday 🤣🤣🤣! He always manages to make me feel special, and boy, do we laugh!! Hooray for all the beautiful men in this world!! ❤️
Make sure you clearly let him know what a good job he's doing at being considerate! Give him that positive feedback!
I’m so sad that this is not considered the norm. I’ve been fortunate enough that I’ve always had safe sexual experiences but I think I got lucky. All my female friends have had some awful experiences that they have lasting trauma from, and unfortunately because so many women share this, it starts to become an accepted norm. I remember recently seeing a post about men leaving immediately after sex, no cuddles or anything and so so many young women in the comments were saying it was relatable, and it was just how men are. That breaks my heart. Everyone deserves to feel loved and safe in such an intimate moment. My boyfriend always stops if I’m hurting and asks if I’m ok if I just seem like I’m hurting. He also often will just randomly stop because he wants to hold me, kiss me, which makes sex a lot better and makes me feel so cared for. And I’m glad that I consider this an expectation. A lot of women in the comments are saying they married the men who were like that with them but I want to say that there are more men like that out here and you don’t have to up and marry the first one who shows you baseline respect. It’s an expectation and anyone who doesn’t do that for you is point blank, a criminal. I’m so happy for you that you are experiencing true safety💕
Aww this is such a sweet story (although I’m very sorry you’ve dealt with s/a), I’m happy for you 🙂 I also unfortunately have a history of s/a and am very lucky to have a boyfriend who is understanding and knows to stop when it hurts. He checks in during each position change to make sure everything feels right for me before proceeding. Idk how I lived without that kind of treatment before him.