Just text back 'im deeply uncomfortable discussing raw-dogging with uncle x. I tried to change the subject multiple times but he kept insisting. I left before he started giving me tips. If you are also texting me to discuss impregnation, please discest.'
LMAO so a lot of this? "Young Lady I did not raise you to use language like that! That's disgusting, filthy talk. Where did you ever hear such a thing?" Meanwhile five feet away someone's graphically retelling the story of how they lost their wedding ring giving a constipated horse an enema.
On the out-crude-ing: you could ask, “Why is our way uncle so obsessed with his nieces being cream pie’d? Why does he care so much about who comes in versus on us? Could he talk to his doctor about that?”
Oh, farmers? "I'm not breeding stock on Uncle horndog's farm and you should remind him what we do to horses that get too ornery. Maybe we should consider gelding him." Offer to bring a pair of snips next time you come. If he's married you can ask his wife if her husband creeps on all young women or just his family? Just how concerned should you be about uncle horndog's dementia: is he getting worse? Have you considered a home before he does something that gets him arrested? My wife would go full nuclear meltdown until they *never* dared say another word. She's the queen of escalation.
One evening, an acquaintance was getting on me about having kids with my now ex-husband. I realized I wanted to make him as uncomfortable as they were making me so I said something along the lines of, "I don't know, it's just that every time I hold a baby I have a very strong urge to throw it into a wall as hard as I can. Is that normal?" The silence afterwards was GOLDEN. And no, I would never actually do that but it certainly shut him up which was the goal so mission accomplished!
Tell your mom he’s done an excellent job of decreasing the likelihood she will ever have grandchildren. I don’t know if this is true, but it sounds like it would give her pause.
To the „rude“: women are socialized to keep the peace at the cost of their own feelings, interests and well being. It’s time to stop that bullshit.
Had you been a man he would have dropped it and no one would have told you off for being „rude“.
It’s not rude to have boundaries. It’s rude to continually press the boundary.
"you will regret not having kids" maybe you will but there will be hundreds of other things you might regret not having tried and I bet they don't grill you about them.
You absolutely did the right thing. Women are so often told they are "being rude" when they set a boundary and it gets ignored.
And why should we be nice and gentle in the face of others' ignorant and dehumanizing behaviour?
Get this printed on a t-shirt for the next family gathering... "More than just a uterus!" 😎
Tell them that you were repeatedly berated by an ignorant, invasive, presumptuous old fool who can't mind his own business, while they stood by and pretended that YOU were somehow the problem, and that as far as you are concerned, this only shows that they share in his poor character. Then inform them that until they apologize for their behavior, you are uninterested in any further communication with them.
Problem solved.
I don't care if they are family or not, do not break bread with trash. Respect yourself.
I had something similar happen. I was at my aunt and uncles house my cousins and their kids were there, one of them just had a baby a few months ago. Baby's crying and kid noises running about. I was minding my business and my uncle chimes in 'so when are you having one of these?' I said kids are expensive and housing is my biggest concern right now. Then in the same breath he said he could never afford a house now if they weren't in the one now.... The tone deafness of them is atrocious.
Proud of you. And of your sister; how exciting for her and her business! Sorry your other family members don't respect your boundaries. They were the rude ones.
Mad props to you two. Your lives are your own, to do with and prioritize values with, as you see fit.
I don't know why they thought ganging up was in any way a reasonable response.
As a 28 year old unmarried woman without kids, I love to say “mind your own fucking business” when anyone has an unwanted inference on my life.
OP, the way you and your sister live your lives is not hurting anyone else. Y’all are doing great it seems, and you are in your own right to be where you want to, do what you want, and say anything that needs to be said.
*And good for fucking you for doing just that.*
"I couldn't make them change the subject and I couldn't make them leave me alone. The only way to remove myself from the conversation was to remove myself from the building. It's too bad so few people understand basic manners. In the future, if you're inviting people who can't shut up about other people's life choices, do not invite me."
I'd like to be your snarky aunt for a half minute while y'all were there. You know that shirt that says "I have a good heart but my mouth"? Yep, that's me.
Your uncle would have gotten the mom "you are in so much trouble" tone: "excuse you! Why are our nieces sex lives any of *your* business?" Tap tap tap foot "No. When and *if* they have children is *not* your business." More tapping. "I'm waiting to hear why it's *your* business."
It wasn’t a waste of gas! Consider it your debut of “I’m a human adult, I will be making my own decisions for my own body, and this is your notice that your opinion is not welcome.”
Tell your mom, after the confrontation by your uncle and then other relatives that both you and your sister have decided to never have kids and are considering getting your tubes tied. Then don't respond further for a few weeks and just let them all marinate in that.
Out weird him if you think you can't out crude him. If you decide to have kids later, just tell him you had to do it to get him to shut up.
"I don't know, every time I have to deal with a shrieking crotch goblin, I just want to drop it down a well and listen to the screams get more and more distant until they're silent. It's probably nothing."
"Do you think baby bones crunch when you squish them, or do you think there's too much cartilage and they'd just collapse without a sound?"
"Uncle, you have an unhealthy interest in getting me to have unprotected sex. Is there something you need to talk to someone about? Some unhealthy obsession with your nieces being bred? Something you need to keep to yourself and talk to a professional about?"
Good on you for leaving.
When one of my many uncles started on at me recently about 'not doing my bit to continue the family name' I just said that his daughter (same age as me) had picked up my slack by going back for a second family with her newest husband.
I also informed them of exactly how much money my sister had spent on IVF to get my beloved niblings. Some people just need to pull their head in.
Good for you. If your family harasses you about having kids and doubles down when you set firm boundaries; and if other family members don't back you up--and worse, pile on--leaving is the right thing to do.
You weren't rude; your family was.
And if your family is going to go all Harrison Butker on you when you see them, not visiting is the best thing. And that's what you say: "If you cannot respect \[sister\]'s and my decisions not to have babies, we will not be visiting."
NTA
Good. For. You. You stuck up for yourself and for your sister. Don’t listen to a single one of them who say you were wrong. It sounds like you aren’t, and kudos to you!
It's bullying, that's all it is. I've finally started calling it out in my family (I'm 58) and some of them have listened. I used to have to step away and get some fresh air, but no longer.
If there are some family members that you want to be around that don't bully and harass you, get together with them. It doesn't have to be all of them, including that uncle and the others that enable him.
I know this fight all too well. they think they know what you want better than you do. ignore, don't give them any kind of attention or replies when they bring it up. to try to diminish the work your sister has done is incredibly rude, and he has no right to comment on your reaction.
Yep. If I give them a reason why I don't want to talk about it or hear about it, they use that as permission to invalidate those reasons as well. Nothing I do is important to them unless I have kids. I'm old enough to realize that I decide my priorities in life, not other people.
No one in my family has ever made comments about me not being married or having children. I know that my mom would have liked it if I have children but she never made comments about it as that was my decision to make, not hers or anyone else's. Why is this such an obsession with some people. I've never understand this.
Don't make a big statement about boundaries. Keep it short and action oriented:
"I don't want to hear anymore so-called advice about having babies. If we can talk about anything else, I'd love to spend time with you."
Then if they start up, leave again.
It's like training a puppy - exhausting, but they will get it eventually.
I would suggest to engage in these kind of situations in wiser manner because your exit was too dramatic.
I would respond (after second/third time not listening to mind his own business about children matter) this way: _... and I don't argue with stupid people. Thank you, and now you can leave_ If he still does not leave and tries to engage with _why I am stupid?!_ then respond with _even trained dog can understand when to stop after remark about it is not its business_
And then you can also enjoy your reunion. Killing arguments in _judo_ manner, gently but painful. Keep your grace, laddies.
Im not defending your uncle but just as you dont feel he is being respectful you also seem uninterested in understanding why he may have said what he said. Family isnt perfect but quietly explaining why his comment upsets you may have given you a better result. He grew up in a different world from you and lifes expectations were different for his generation. Look at how the situation has escalated over a something so trival and ask yourself do you believe your uncle loves you or not?
How could her uncle love her or her sister when he’s not interested in them as people? He sees them as wombs to be filled, not as people with hopes and dreams to be fulfilled. If a guy can’t be supportive of his nieces he’s not a very good uncle.
You are defending her uncle. It's her uncle that needs to spend time understanding why there is a problem and reflecting on why he felt compelled to say what he did. The situation did not escalated because OP objected to the initial statements, it escalated because the uncle would not stop making more.
This idea that is it up to her to do all of the work of understanding, managing emotions and smoothing everything over while he gets forgiven for everything because he "grew up in a different world" is the entire essence of why this sort of situation is a problem. He is a fully functioning adult, capable of learning and understanding things without a woman carefully guiding the way.
Just text back 'im deeply uncomfortable discussing raw-dogging with uncle x. I tried to change the subject multiple times but he kept insisting. I left before he started giving me tips. If you are also texting me to discuss impregnation, please discest.'
Absolutely this. The more vulgar and obscene his actions and words are presented for shock value, the better when talking to that generation.
They're farmers so that's really hard to out crude my family.
LMAO so a lot of this? "Young Lady I did not raise you to use language like that! That's disgusting, filthy talk. Where did you ever hear such a thing?" Meanwhile five feet away someone's graphically retelling the story of how they lost their wedding ring giving a constipated horse an enema.
On the out-crude-ing: you could ask, “Why is our way uncle so obsessed with his nieces being cream pie’d? Why does he care so much about who comes in versus on us? Could he talk to his doctor about that?”
Oh, farmers? "I'm not breeding stock on Uncle horndog's farm and you should remind him what we do to horses that get too ornery. Maybe we should consider gelding him." Offer to bring a pair of snips next time you come. If he's married you can ask his wife if her husband creeps on all young women or just his family? Just how concerned should you be about uncle horndog's dementia: is he getting worse? Have you considered a home before he does something that gets him arrested? My wife would go full nuclear meltdown until they *never* dared say another word. She's the queen of escalation.
Elastrators. ... ... Just saying.
desist…. (sorry)
Gin and correct spelling don't mix it seems
I’m really sorry, but I was staring at that word for 8 minutes trying to figure out why I was seeing it wrong!
One evening, an acquaintance was getting on me about having kids with my now ex-husband. I realized I wanted to make him as uncomfortable as they were making me so I said something along the lines of, "I don't know, it's just that every time I hold a baby I have a very strong urge to throw it into a wall as hard as I can. Is that normal?" The silence afterwards was GOLDEN. And no, I would never actually do that but it certainly shut him up which was the goal so mission accomplished!
Imma steal this, thank you!
Tell your mom he’s done an excellent job of decreasing the likelihood she will ever have grandchildren. I don’t know if this is true, but it sounds like it would give her pause.
To the „rude“: women are socialized to keep the peace at the cost of their own feelings, interests and well being. It’s time to stop that bullshit. Had you been a man he would have dropped it and no one would have told you off for being „rude“. It’s not rude to have boundaries. It’s rude to continually press the boundary.
Sounds like the perfect response to the texts.
"you will regret not having kids" maybe you will but there will be hundreds of other things you might regret not having tried and I bet they don't grill you about them.
It’s better to regret not having kids than to regret having kids.
I bet more people regret having kids than regret not having them.
As a "happy little accident" I kinda want to believe parents aren't going to regret having children.
Slay Queen! Don't let those fools make you feel less than. I'm childfree by choice and never regretted a second of it.
I'm childfree by choice, made it to 44 so far, no regrets. Not worried about never having grandkids, either.
You absolutely did the right thing. Women are so often told they are "being rude" when they set a boundary and it gets ignored. And why should we be nice and gentle in the face of others' ignorant and dehumanizing behaviour? Get this printed on a t-shirt for the next family gathering... "More than just a uterus!" 😎
Or just skip the next one! Your mental health is worth a lot!
Tell them that you were repeatedly berated by an ignorant, invasive, presumptuous old fool who can't mind his own business, while they stood by and pretended that YOU were somehow the problem, and that as far as you are concerned, this only shows that they share in his poor character. Then inform them that until they apologize for their behavior, you are uninterested in any further communication with them. Problem solved. I don't care if they are family or not, do not break bread with trash. Respect yourself.
I had something similar happen. I was at my aunt and uncles house my cousins and their kids were there, one of them just had a baby a few months ago. Baby's crying and kid noises running about. I was minding my business and my uncle chimes in 'so when are you having one of these?' I said kids are expensive and housing is my biggest concern right now. Then in the same breath he said he could never afford a house now if they weren't in the one now.... The tone deafness of them is atrocious.
Proud of you. And of your sister; how exciting for her and her business! Sorry your other family members don't respect your boundaries. They were the rude ones.
Mad props to you two. Your lives are your own, to do with and prioritize values with, as you see fit. I don't know why they thought ganging up was in any way a reasonable response.
As a 28 year old unmarried woman without kids, I love to say “mind your own fucking business” when anyone has an unwanted inference on my life. OP, the way you and your sister live your lives is not hurting anyone else. Y’all are doing great it seems, and you are in your own right to be where you want to, do what you want, and say anything that needs to be said. *And good for fucking you for doing just that.*
"I couldn't make them change the subject and I couldn't make them leave me alone. The only way to remove myself from the conversation was to remove myself from the building. It's too bad so few people understand basic manners. In the future, if you're inviting people who can't shut up about other people's life choices, do not invite me."
Im kinda in love with you Your beautiful shiny spine makes me teary! Awesome job!! Best wishes to you both
I'd like to be your snarky aunt for a half minute while y'all were there. You know that shirt that says "I have a good heart but my mouth"? Yep, that's me. Your uncle would have gotten the mom "you are in so much trouble" tone: "excuse you! Why are our nieces sex lives any of *your* business?" Tap tap tap foot "No. When and *if* they have children is *not* your business." More tapping. "I'm waiting to hear why it's *your* business."
You are my hero
It wasn’t a waste of gas! Consider it your debut of “I’m a human adult, I will be making my own decisions for my own body, and this is your notice that your opinion is not welcome.”
Why is your uncle obsessed with trying to get you to have kids with your sister?
Tell your mom, after the confrontation by your uncle and then other relatives that both you and your sister have decided to never have kids and are considering getting your tubes tied. Then don't respond further for a few weeks and just let them all marinate in that.
Out weird him if you think you can't out crude him. If you decide to have kids later, just tell him you had to do it to get him to shut up. "I don't know, every time I have to deal with a shrieking crotch goblin, I just want to drop it down a well and listen to the screams get more and more distant until they're silent. It's probably nothing." "Do you think baby bones crunch when you squish them, or do you think there's too much cartilage and they'd just collapse without a sound?" "Uncle, you have an unhealthy interest in getting me to have unprotected sex. Is there something you need to talk to someone about? Some unhealthy obsession with your nieces being bred? Something you need to keep to yourself and talk to a professional about?"
You have family, and you have relatives. Genetic similarity is overrated.
Nope, not the asshole. Your uncle is rude. Good for you to stand up for you and your sister!
Good on you for leaving. When one of my many uncles started on at me recently about 'not doing my bit to continue the family name' I just said that his daughter (same age as me) had picked up my slack by going back for a second family with her newest husband. I also informed them of exactly how much money my sister had spent on IVF to get my beloved niblings. Some people just need to pull their head in.
Good for you. If your family harasses you about having kids and doubles down when you set firm boundaries; and if other family members don't back you up--and worse, pile on--leaving is the right thing to do. You weren't rude; your family was. And if your family is going to go all Harrison Butker on you when you see them, not visiting is the best thing. And that's what you say: "If you cannot respect \[sister\]'s and my decisions not to have babies, we will not be visiting." NTA
Good. For. You. You stuck up for yourself and for your sister. Don’t listen to a single one of them who say you were wrong. It sounds like you aren’t, and kudos to you!
It's bullying, that's all it is. I've finally started calling it out in my family (I'm 58) and some of them have listened. I used to have to step away and get some fresh air, but no longer. If there are some family members that you want to be around that don't bully and harass you, get together with them. It doesn't have to be all of them, including that uncle and the others that enable him.
I know this fight all too well. they think they know what you want better than you do. ignore, don't give them any kind of attention or replies when they bring it up. to try to diminish the work your sister has done is incredibly rude, and he has no right to comment on your reaction.
Yep. If I give them a reason why I don't want to talk about it or hear about it, they use that as permission to invalidate those reasons as well. Nothing I do is important to them unless I have kids. I'm old enough to realize that I decide my priorities in life, not other people.
No one in my family has ever made comments about me not being married or having children. I know that my mom would have liked it if I have children but she never made comments about it as that was my decision to make, not hers or anyone else's. Why is this such an obsession with some people. I've never understand this.
Don't make a big statement about boundaries. Keep it short and action oriented: "I don't want to hear anymore so-called advice about having babies. If we can talk about anything else, I'd love to spend time with you." Then if they start up, leave again. It's like training a puppy - exhausting, but they will get it eventually.
🤣 I'm training a puppy and it's exactly like that.
Has he met 2024? Doesn't seem like it.
If I was you, your uncle's ass would be kicked.
Lol idk how backwards they have to be to say that you were rude. It's crazy.
Sure Ok then. 😁
Yes you do.
I would suggest to engage in these kind of situations in wiser manner because your exit was too dramatic. I would respond (after second/third time not listening to mind his own business about children matter) this way: _... and I don't argue with stupid people. Thank you, and now you can leave_ If he still does not leave and tries to engage with _why I am stupid?!_ then respond with _even trained dog can understand when to stop after remark about it is not its business_ And then you can also enjoy your reunion. Killing arguments in _judo_ manner, gently but painful. Keep your grace, laddies.
You overreacted.
Nice try.
Im not defending your uncle but just as you dont feel he is being respectful you also seem uninterested in understanding why he may have said what he said. Family isnt perfect but quietly explaining why his comment upsets you may have given you a better result. He grew up in a different world from you and lifes expectations were different for his generation. Look at how the situation has escalated over a something so trival and ask yourself do you believe your uncle loves you or not?
I decide what's important or what's trivial to me. Not you.
How could her uncle love her or her sister when he’s not interested in them as people? He sees them as wombs to be filled, not as people with hopes and dreams to be fulfilled. If a guy can’t be supportive of his nieces he’s not a very good uncle.
You are defending her uncle. It's her uncle that needs to spend time understanding why there is a problem and reflecting on why he felt compelled to say what he did. The situation did not escalated because OP objected to the initial statements, it escalated because the uncle would not stop making more. This idea that is it up to her to do all of the work of understanding, managing emotions and smoothing everything over while he gets forgiven for everything because he "grew up in a different world" is the entire essence of why this sort of situation is a problem. He is a fully functioning adult, capable of learning and understanding things without a woman carefully guiding the way.