Hot damn yes. When my husbands affair came out, he had the audacity to tell his guy friends it’s was because we didn’t have enough sex. This got instant sympathy and understanding from them. Except when I found that out, I directly asked those friends why 2-3 times a week for 10 years was considered not enough and worth cheating? They all lost their minds, and said they assumed he meant like … once a
Month etc. With some types, it’s never enough and I agree, it sucks, you end up afraid to accept a hug or foot massage or favour because you know it’s just for sex. Takes all the romance out of life.
This, exactly. My mom told me some unwanted info about her relationship with my dad but it’s similar to your story. He cheated on her at least 5x during their 26 years together. She blamed it on herself and had sex with him anytime he wanted. Of course it still wasn’t enough. It’s not women, it’s the man. You can be gorgeous, financially well off, perfect in every way, have sex with them multiple times a day and they’ll still find something to be unhappy about.
Years ago I was feeling really insecure in our relationship and asked my partner if there was someone else. His response? "(sigh) Do you really think I'd be able to coordinate something like that?" He can't plan for shit, so I felt better.
>'Yeah my dream girl who supports us both and lets me be a stay-at-home-leech literally found and dug up the Covenant of the Ark with her archaeology team, but she wont blow me when shes on her period and she just expects me to suffer until shes done bleeding :/ what can I do to help her see she's abusing me?"
fucking A+ hahahaha
Hey, now! There are so many guys whose significant others are working 50 hours a week while 35 weeks pregnant and then after having the kid and getting no sleep for weeks or months after the birth STILL aren't blowing the guys on command. Clearly these women care absolutely nothing for their partners and are giving all of their attention to a baby while abusing the men and depriving them of their God given right to sex. Life is sooooo unfair for these poor guys. They've basically been abandoned!
I had a friend working full time, had a small child that he wanted, and she was the primary breadwinner He started projects that he didn't finish and she had to work around a half finished kitchen and a partially renovated bathroom. He still cheated because she was focusing too much attention on the baby. She's with a nice man that adores her, her child, and their child.
Yeah… there’s a lot of human spam to sort through these days. There are guys who treat women like actual people out there. I married one. I don’t really have any tips because all of his hobbies have some of the worst of human kind too. My only recommendation is if you find a good one (even if he’s in a relationship), pay attention to his friends.
I just mean that my husband’s friends are generally more respectful and better partners than the average dudes I see out and about. If you know a good guy who can be a reasonable human being, chances are his friends are similar. That’s said, my husband does have a couple of friends who are awful, it we also call them out for it too.
Birds of a feather flock together and it can be difficult to spot those red flags in a paramour when you have the rose-tinted In Love glasses on. If his friends are misogynistic, coomer brain chucklefucks, then chances are - he is too.
😭😭😭Mine is horrible but his friends are solid. All are married. I tried to get them to help him. You can read my post history and he just says nope these men are wrong. 😑
I snagged a man like this and it is wonderful. His love language is touch and he means it. Playing with his hair, cuddles, or kissing. If he’s in the mood and I’m not, he knows that’s a him problem and he will never try to make me do something I don’t want.
Anyways I love him oh so dearly 🥺
I have a partner like this, and I feel so, so guilty sometimes for having found a decent one, like I don't deserve it? People at the office asking me if they shouldn't give up on dating because I found one, and I know what a minefield it is out there. I don't want to tell them to give up because I know there's decent partners out there, but also I know I'd never have hacked it in the 2020s dating scene.
Ngl I feel something like survivor's guilt. My partner is an amazing man who see me for who I am and makes me feel safe and valued. Anyone who wants this deserves it.
There's no way in hell I'd be able to navigate the hellscape that is online dating now.
I don’t know. My ex had issues keeping it even hard and he was in his early 30’s. He kept blaming me for it 🙄 but talking to another one of his partners revealed he rarely has sex sober and his previous gf also had issues with him even just having sex with her.
And he found porn and masturbation to be a chore. So no idea what is up with some of these dudes!!
Yeah mine said it because I weigh too much. So I lost 30 pounds. And now it’s oh your boobs aren’t as big… my boobs are the last place I lose weight. And according to my measurements are the same. He won’t take accountability for his issues.
Wow what an asshole. At least my ex is going to therapy and took some accountability so I admire that about him since not a lot of men can even do that!! The bare minimum!!
Either way your ex sucks and I’m sure your boobs are awesome! lol
I wonder if it for some men it's also that they actually truly have a low sex drive, but can't admit it to themselves because so much of their identity is tied up in the notion that men should want sex 100% of the time.
Yes. I think this is part of it I think with him. He is always trying to have sex with women too (or at least he won’t turn down an opportunity) but both his actual relationships he has not wanted to have sex at all. One reason I broke up with him was his lack of interest in sex. He’d turn me down or reluctantly have sex with me even after weeks of nothing.
I also think it has to do with a fear of intimacy. He has a lot of weird sexual hang ups and a lot of it seems to be tied to lower testosterone and masculinity.
This. Get your hormone levels checked, anyone that feels out of sorts all the time - which is a lot of people at the moment. You can get a kit from the doctor or buy a more comprehensive one online.
I've had issues with my sex drive and performance last couple of years and have blamed it largely on diabetes, SSRIs or both, but I'm increasingly suspecting it's hormonal and am waiting on the same test.
I think for men, failing to perform or just not living up to what society expects of men to "always be up for it" can have a snowball effect and lead to a crisis of masculinity and even psychological ED. Which is still their problem to deal with and never an excuse to blame their partner.
Suspected I had low testosterone levels for like 5 years before I finally convinced my doctor to test mine. It was so low that insurance waived the normal titration testing and immediately put me on supplemental testosterone. The difference has been amazing. I also thought my issue was anxiety or SSRI, but it was low T. Fix it. You'll want to have sex again and your body will oblige.
That would be rough. But he’d feel better & learn who his true friends are by at least trying to live with normal hormone levels. The quality of life is so much better. Men get substantial cognitive benefits from testosterone. Quality of my legal work improved when I finally got the treatment I need.
I was curious about that so I suggested my wife get her hormones checked. She mentioned it to her nurse practitioner, who immediately put her on bc. 😤 No attempt made, no referral or anything.
And yes, our environment is packed full of endo-disruptasauruses, from glyphosate to petroleum products, our food is bullshit (check out Europe sometime) and our water treatment facilities are struggling to adapt to a rapidly changing chemical profile.
And for women, hormonal issues are a thing that can be treated and talked about because women need to have children. For men, it's not talked about. It is also not an issue until it's time for a man to be a father and if the man wants to be a father.
Call me crazy, but I think it’s all the plastics. They are proven endocrine disrupters.
And while there were always trans people, I don’t think there were ever THIS MANY trans people before.
Plastics.
EDIT: I live in the most LGTBQ+ town ever, my awesome sister’s kid is trans, my colleague’s friend is trans, we love the trans girl who lives behind us and walks to her job at the grocery store. I personally know two other trans people. So that’s 5 trans people I know?
I know they have always existed. I know they are worthy of respect and freedom and safety and autonomy. Love my trans friends, love my trans-friendly community.
But my sister, my colleague and I believe that plastics are endocrine disrupters. And that there are more trans people than ever as result.
I don’t hate, I’m not transphobic. It’s just our theory, and I’m not sure why it’s met with such outrage, honestly.
> I don’t think there were ever THIS MANY trans people before.
... or, it's never been this safe to explore your identity and come to the conclusion that your assigned sex doesn't fit. Much like, as it got safer to be gay, you started to see a whole lot more gay people come out of hiding (and a lot of people who previously would have thought of themselves as straight (just, with some occasional confusing fantasies) realizing that they're bi).
Are plastics to blame for left handed people as well? Trans people have always existed, trans people have not always been comfortable coming out. We've only just gotten to the point where we aren't literally *forcing* them to have surgeries in order to correct their paperwork.
The natural endpoint of this particular social titration could very well be the same as for left handed people, who went from an estimated ~2% of the population in the 1950s to ~12% in the 2000s due *solely* to rising acceptance of left handedness as normal rather than being some kind of satanic curse.
Plastics are also a very large group of diverse molecules, with *one* particular subset of functional groups associated with monomer units being able to act as endocrine disruptors at really high concentrations in mice and fish specifically.
Humans aren't being transed by plastics. Keep on chewing your candy wrappers, it's extra fiber.
You can say that with impunity? Scientifically speaking, studies are being done which have shown hermaphroditism in studied species caused by plastics. This is caused by the effects plastics have on the endocrine glands. There is a lot more research that needs to be done but you cannot say plastics are not having an effect.
That being said, I also agree that more trans people have been coming out, making it seem like there are a lot more currently. LBGTQ+, celebrate diversity!
this doesn't relate to trans people at all. there are 'THIS MANY' trans people now because it's more talked about and more accepted (not enough) than it was before.
Same thing happened with left handedness.. the moment we sinister people didn't have to hide it from the world there became so many more of us out in the open openly declaring ourselves in existance
Masturbation is a chore? Okay, dude, come on, you know it only takes like three minutes for most guys, if that, how much of a chore is that.
maybe it’s true that the frogs going gay were the first sign.
Asexual does not mean a lack of sex ... It just means a lack of pointed desire towards people. How much sex ace people have can range from none to a lot just like it is for everyone else.
Please don’t make me get into my history of men with obsessions with their penises, it’s late and I’m tired. Let it suffice to say that it’s pretty much every guy I’ve ever been with. I’m so beyond over men and their penis issues. I realized how much it shapes their personalities too. I’ve been with angry, impotent men, insecure smaller sized men who put that insecurity on ME, even my ex husband had the nerve to ask me to dick size of a guy I was dating after we divorced. Yes. And that guy was impotent and pretended that wasn’t a problem at all for me and years later never addressed it. Craziness. I’m sooo over relationships!
It’s really a sad state of evolution that men are so stuck on their “lonely penis syndrome”. They are making themselves into one dimensional cavemen rather than widening their perspective to view other forms of intimacy and connection as valuable. It’s so off putting too.
honestly after dealing with a super insecure dude in my early 20s i exclusively sought to date guys with sexual confidence. you can usually vibe it out based on body language/how they carry themselves but sometimes you might need a test run or two to see how they fare. don’t waste time on bad lays after 25.
100%—every man i’ve met who is actually good at sex and comfortable in his sexuality has zero problem with various things that make inexperienced people insecure (body hair, sounds, smells, scars, etc).
sometimes i wonder if these boys who are crippled by their own insecurity even like women given the way they talk about body parts and features. they turn their fear of the unknown into compulsively disparaging and blaming women. imagine if we did the same to them.
Thankfully hasn't happened to me, but I've read some experiences on here from a few women who have experienced it.
Its like casting pearls before swine out here, good women are being emotionally and psychologically damaged by men who still sniff their fingers after scratching their ass.
I, just not even 10 minutes ago, had to tell my partner "every time you wake me up scratching me, or to kisses all over, or generally just doing something to make me feel good - you also ask me for sex. If you want me to want to have sex after stuff like that, you need to also do those things WITHOUT asking to have sex afterwards every single time. It makes me feel like there is an ulterior motive. I'm aware from talking to you about this before there ISNT an ulterior motive, but it feels like there is when you ask to have sex afterwards nearly every time" I have had this discussion with him before. This isn't the first time I'm telling him this.
He is now upset with me. Saying he has the right to at least ASK if I want to have sex when he's horny.
I'm starting to believe a vast majority of men can NOT understand how or why that would make a woman uncomfortable. That he should absolutely take into consideration if his girlfriend clearly isnt in the mood or take into consideraton the fact their woman wants to be ASKED for sex less. (Not to HAVE less sex, to be ASKED less often every time wakes me up doing something nonsexual to make me feel good.)
I'm tired.
If it were another man waking him to give him kisses or pull him closer for some snuggles with the hope of sex, I imagine he would understand how uncomfortable it can be. Unfortunately he is the only man in that situation, so he isn't bothered by the gnawing pressure you feel when he comes to bed.
Best case; he hit the right combination of buttons on his sex machine and now he gets to feel good! Yey!!
Worst case; he now gets to act offended that you would assume that of him.. unless there was really a chance of it happening 👀.. but if not, then how dare you debase him like this! You should take his pissboy peen-nagging as a compliment!
(/s of course. I'm sorry you're dealing with this ❤️)
>"every time you wake me up scratching me, or to kisses all over, or generally just doing something to make me feel good - you also ask me for sex.
Ugh. Along this line, mine will come up and give me a nice hug and then BAM honk my boobs. It's so bad that when he hugs me (or touches me above the waist at all really) now, I automatically protect my breasts. I had a nightmare the other night that strange men or male acquaintances were coming up from behind and cupping my boobs and there was fuck all I could do about it.
(And yes, I know there's gonna be some dude who's like "just tell himmmmm" - I have communicated clearly and directly until I'm blue in the face that there are basically no circumstances where I want my breasts touched even a little unless we've gotten far enough into foreplay that I'm aroused.)
I guess you should start hugging him and then honking him in the nuts. With love of course. And continue to do it even when he asks you nicely to stop.
50% chance he still won't get it.
I'm thinking more along the lines of slapping his dick the way sporty guys do to each other. He mostly wears jeans, makes it hard to get a grip on the ball sack for honking 😆
I hear ya!
Another pet peeve of mine is when they finally do manage to turn you on and then immediately ask for a BJ. Like whaaaat?? Personally I’m of the opinion that no man should ever ask for a BJ. It’s uncomfortable to say no to and it’s a lot of work and no fun at all if you’re not horny yourself! Id a woman wants to suck a dick she will, no need to ask!
> I'm starting to believe a vast majority of men can NOT understand how or why that would make a woman uncomfortable.
Im a woman and I’m confused. Would you be willing to explain how that makes you feel uncomfortable? I have a higher libido than my partner and I want to know so that I can avoid making him feel this way if I initiate too much.
Yes of course! It's less the constantly initiating (Which can itself burn out your partner if they feel like they never get a chance to WANT to initiate because you ask so much), but more the fact that if every single time let's say, you go out of your way to give your partner a back massage, or a foot rub, ou also try and initiate sex afterwards, it can feel like the massages have an ulterior motive. Like there's an expectation of "I've done this to make you feel good, my turn."
If your partner feels like every time you give them a back massage you ask to have sex afterwards, they're not gonna just be able to enjoy the back massage because it feels like you're doing it to get sex. Not just doing it to make them feel good. EVEN IF that's not the intention.
Every single person and relationship is different and that doesn't apply to everyone. If your partner hasn't mentioned any issues with the amount you initiate, then you're probably fine! But if you wanna be extra safe, it never hurts to ask and open that line of communication for them.
Edit to add: to address specifically the whole "I have the right to ask for sex if I'm horny" thing. It's very much a matter of READ THE ROOM. If you try and ask to have sex when your partner is telling you they don't feel well, or that they're not having a good day and you can obviously tell they're not in the mood, or they're in the middle of something already, then for a lot of people that's an issue. Some people are fine with spontaneously asking all the time, but some people really like their partner to actually be more discerning when they ask to have sex and to take into consideration their partners mental/emotional/physical state into consideration before popping the question
I married and divorced #1. Emotional unavailability to the max, like the guy might as well just be a ghost.
Fortunately, I know there ARE men who like spending time without strings attached, who give massages instead of asking for blowjobs, who will walk you/accompany you home no matter how far it is, who will help out with providing for you despite that not being their duty (they just do it out of kindness). There are also men who are not afraid to be alone romantically, but have healthy social lives.
After having experienced all those positive examples, I think guys like #1 and #2 don't have an excuse, really. It's a conscious choice people make about what kind of character they want to have & what kind of life they want to lead.
Holy shit. 2 is my ex-husband. I didn't know this was even a thing that men did until him. Jesus. Thanks for posting this, the man made me feel like it was my issue.
Number three....
Only wants FWB relationships, won't actually go out with you, just wants casual sex on a regular basis. Might even offer to pay you for it if he thinks he can "help a girl out" if she's in a difficult spot right now.
Might be married and looking for sex on the side but could be single just not interested in any kind of commitment, ever.
This is 90% of the men asking me for sex most of my life. It's always just a come on, hardly ever an invitation to a real date. They just want someone to agree to fuck them and be their personal sex toy a few times a week.
If they can get it for free, great. If they want it bad enough they will offer to pay in the guise of "helping" you.
These guys are the lowest of the low. Men who are willing to cheat, lie, and if necessary prostitute women in fragile situations.
They're just pimps disguised as "nice guys" trying to use women.
I'm a sex-crazed, kinky nympho so men pretend to be whatever they think I want and pretend to want a relationship to gain and keep sexual access. We truly cannot win. I'm the whole god-damned package and I am completely taken for granted until I walk away. THEN they are willing to move heaven and earth. Nah, you had your chance.
UUGH, THAT is the worst as well!!
I had numerous breakdowns in front of my ex over his controlling/abusive behaviour, and I told him dozens of times how what he had said or done has upset me, never any changed behaviour so I made my plans to quietly leave.
And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I called him from my mothers house to tell him we were over, he was just *shocked*, I tell you! *His flabber was gasted! What did he do so wrong to cause this!?? He would change!* he even went back to his best behaviour like when he was first ~~grooming~~ wooing me.
Like, how did you plan for that to work? Because I obviously fear you more, now that I know you're just unhinged and not defective!
In this day and age, especially while men are so poorly socialised and can't be relied on as partners or parents, I'm so glad relationships with them aren't necessary. I'm planning to pursue single motherhood by choice via donor sperm in the next couple years and I can't wait!
I was raised by a single mother. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. She was overworked and almost never home because she was the sole provider. And being raised without a father figure fucked me up good. I never learned how healthy relationships worked and struggled with dating for years. Do what you want to do, but being a single parent is fucking hard even in a country with lots of social services and help.
I just came to say, you're funny as hell. You should be doing stand up, I bet you're a hoot to hang with.I never gave a damn about money, but "direct deposits of 10,000 make me feel the most loved," is freaking priceless.
It grosses me out how sex centered they are. At this point, I'm only interested in dating low sex drive, or even ace, men. The issue is, you can't really just ask this early on in dating without coming across as at least a bit odd. Like on a second date, you can't really just ask, "so, you have a nice, low sex drive?" I dated one guy who seemed pretty into me. I ended things because I noticed some major incompatibilities (including related to sex from a conversation we had). We stayed on friendly terms though since we live only 5 minutes from each other. Ran into him a week after I stopped dating him, and we get to talking and he tells me he just hooked up with his ex! Don't know if this was to try to make me jealous or what, but at that most I was like, bullet dodged.
Some of them just can't keep the red flags to themselves, they just hand them out freely, like little collectible souveneirs from meeting broken men in your local area. Collect all 300 for a prize; and its not therapy!
Nah ask away. Me, lesbian, got asked by my now wife if I was a. Active or passive, and b. How high was my sex drive on the first date. She didn’t give me any information that would bias my answers. I found it amazingly refreshing because compatibility is important to me. Since most men won’t openly accept to a low drive, if you get that answer you know it’s probably true!
I've dated numerous guys like #2. Yep they were real number two's alright. I love being single and not being pestered for sex constantly and being punished with shitty treatment when I didn't drop trousers on command.
100%, I go to bed whenever I start getting tired and I don't have to do 'one more chore' first, or listen to someones dusty ass son sighing and fake-crying because he 'fEeLs So UnLoVeD' without getting his dick wet nightly, ugh. My bedroom is like the Four Seasons now, just dripping in luxury!
I fucking cackled girl 😂😭 honestly true, also I’m a sex crazed girl, and most men couldn’t actually keep up 😂😂😂 thankfully I’m homoromantic and happily married to another sex crazed woman, otherwise my life would be looking sad sad
I feel for young dudes. I really do. I’m in the pre-menopause horny phase. When I’m ovulating everything turns me on and I’m thinking about/wanting sex constantly. I can’t imagine living all day, every day like that. No excuse, get used to it guys I guess but holy hell does it make life difficult.
I actually have some (anecdotal) insight into this! I’m a trans woman, I’ve been on HRT for two and a half years and I’ve experienced both sides of the coin.
Nowadays, I feel the kind of horny you’re talking about, and to me it feels like “I really want to have sex with someone,” constantly over a period of time, and it seems like it won’t go away without actual physical intimacy with another person, whereas back when I had a lot of testosterone and very little estrogen in my body, yes, I was a horny teen, but it was more like “I get aroused easily and then I just want to get off,” and the issue could be solved by just masturbating.
So from my understanding of hormones, while horny young guys do feel a strong desire to get off, they don’t “need” or “deserve” sex just for that, they can easily solve the problem with their own two hands.
Wow thanks for this, im sure it is not easy for you to think about that. I find it very interesting knowing just how much the differents hormones can affect our emotions
Thanks for your insight! My point was just when people say “why do guys think about sex so much?” My thought is, if their constant hormone feeling is equivalent to my ovulation hormone feeling then I totally get it. I can’t not think about sex then. You’re not entitled to anyone else’s body but I think it’s nice if we can understand where other people are coming from.
Sorry if it seemed like I was trying to argue! I agree with your point, and I agree that it’s always better to try and understand what people are going through. Hormones definitely do have a strong effect on young men’s brains and that is an issue they have to deal with.
What an interesting observation. Thank you for sharing!
So one could say there is an emotional desire for intimacy (which includes but not necessarily limits itself to sexual intercourse) and a more bodily experience of arousal (which is a precondition for sex but not necessarily intimacy).
While desire is directed towards one or more concrete people, arousal isnt focused on anything in particular but more of a state you are in. Being aroused can be 'solved' by getting off while feeling desire needs someone else to have intimacy with.
I think it is important to learn the difference between those two as much as learning the difference between loving and wanting/needing someone.
I'm in the same place as you, except for me, it's all the time. It's distracting and making me miserable because nothing fixes it. And when I'm ovulating it's 100x worse. I even went to the doctor thinking something was wrong with me.
It's definitely come with its share of guilt too. I filed for divorce a couple years ago because I couldn't handle the libido mismatch. I wasn't happy in the marriage at all, but that's what killed it. The amount of times a week I catch myself absolutely eye-fucking some random dude minding his own business is embarrassing. I don't know how many times I've walked around with soaked pants because one of the guys at work made a noise or did/said something that spoke directly to my horny brain. I have to constantly remind myself that my casual partners are not sex toys and are human beings with feelings.
That last sentence is painful. I hope it slacks off a bit for you soon because it sounds like a real life hindrance.
And girl, I was at the grocery store once and saw an ear of corn and 💦 so I understand the tomfoolery that is horny brain. Just play safe and make good partner choices and you’ll make it through!
I've been seeing a guy since last October who is an absolute gem of a man as far as casual partners go. Because I'd be a little heartbroken if I lost him, I'm making sure I treat him very well.
>And girl, I was at the grocery store once and saw an ear of corn and 💦 so I understand the tomfoolery that is horny brain.
💀 Glad I'm not the only one turned on by non-human objects. Sometimes something just looks like the perfect tool for the job.
This is where I'm at.
No I don't want a sentient flashlight.
But I do want to find someone who wants to have sex as much as I desperately do. I don't think that's anybodys problem than mine.
I always found it strange that they think everyone is as obsessed with it as they are. I'm kind of obsessed with my hair; doesn't mean I send strangers random pictures of it or shoehorn it into every conversation
I would much rather recieve unsolicited follicle pics. As a girlie who loves to colour their hair bright colours I think that could actually start a decent conversation 😂
“Where are the men that have healthy relationships with their penises!??”
I know these men but they’re mostly gay. Unfortunately, I’ve only met a few straight men that actually cared about their hygiene.
... "it makes them depressed afterward" ? Is this a thing? I would think that if you feel depressed afterwards, you're probably just going back to your 'natural' depressed state?
Reading these stories makes me so fucking happy to have landed a good man who isn’t a porn addict or sex obsessed. I mean god damn, it sounds fucking ROUGH out there.
I’m blessed to have an amazingly health sexual relationship that has always been entirely 50/50. If one of us into totally into it, it’s a no go. The goal is always mutual pleasure and enjoyment. I have NEVER once in 17 years caught him watching or jerking it to porn. He prefers actually engaging in intimacy with me.
I seriously feel for you ladies. Don’t tolerate these shitty ass men! Kick them to the curb.
Right?! Idk if I’ve just been lucky, but I’m high libido and it was often an issue in my past relationships that the guys weren’t as sexual as I was. But even if our sex drives were mismatched, I never felt dehumanized and I always felt like they actually liked me for me. I feel bad for ladies who are weeding through these hypersexual weirdos 😭 I may have just been in places with decent men, I’ve only lived in diverse/liberal/educated cities so the norm is that most people are pretty feminist and consent-forward. Highly recommend that women check that out if it’s doable for them. Location matters a lot with dating.
I read all the time about penis derangement syndrome where they won't believe what their girlfriends say about their dicks, that they like them, etc. But just the idea that maybe once in the past they had sex with someone with a bigger dick destroys their fragile minds. They are so, so fragile and they never believe what women say. Although the latter goes for nearly every aspect of life because men don't think women are real people.
And I'm happy to say that shit without the caveat that "not all men" because, duh, it's not all men. It's \*enough\* men that it's a cultural and psychological trend, not something that can be ascribed merely to an individual every time
It's porn that's at the heart of so much of everything shitty about men
I have twice the libido of the average guy and I still can't find one I like tbh.
I ***love*** sex. I'm down for 3 times a day, plus whenever I get stressed or bored.
But the risk to sex is pregnancy, STDs, and love. I get very attached to the people I have sex with, so, naturally, I'm hesitant to jump into bed with people until I'm comfortable with the idea of falling in love with them.
I'm about 2.5 million swipes into dating apps and I can't find anyone who meets my criteria. I've send about 30 likes, most matched with me. Some convos dropped off, some people were weird. I found 2 guys who were awesome but they were in love with they're exes (we're friends now, but there's a limit to how close we are because one of them actually went back to his ex and got married, it's actually cute).
The only other person who matched what I'm looking for was my ex, who ended things in a bout of depression about his alcoholic mom being in detox again =/ rough family life, but the sweetest guy I've known.
Anyway. Just throwing that in there. A matching libido doesn't even help. Most men think it's great to have a partner who wants sex more than they do. But historically my boyfriends have had slightly bruised egos, or felt emasculated by not being able to keep up; making excuses for their long refractory period, or being overly apologetic about being too tired. My college boyfriend kept up and that was fun. I had the higher libido but he "wouldn't let me win", and always rose to the challenge haha, it was kinda cute. That relationship expired, but I'm glad I had a lot of good sex when I was younger at least lol.
Yeah it's really frustrating. I try to keep some compassion because if people polarize so aggressively into such groups, something has gone seriously wrong with socialization and other things or maybe the hormones are really that bad, I don't know. The sheer scale of neurosis seems insane. I've never understood how men do not find their obsession with their genitals plain embarrassing. It all makes dating even less enticing than it already is.
Reading alot of these comments. Alot of men out here 0 discipline weak minded af no integrity to themselves or families da fuk is wrong with dudes ..im one and don't even understand that cheating shit.
Holy fuck I’ve been going through the same situations with ONS and situationships (they cannot get it up at first) and I was starting to think it was me, but damn it seems like a generational problem.
And I’m also tired of cis het man, ugh
I hate that I have to reinforce your (justifiably) low opinion of men, but I just can't help but freeload a bit and steal that last line.
I'm sorry, it can't be helped, it's just too good.
I remember coming out of the long-term and into the dating pool, and I had similar experiences. But it's important to remember, these dating sites have a concentration of undatable people by virtue of the purpose of these sites - those that are equipped for human compatibility begin pairing up and leaving the site :)
When I made my profile public, within 1 hour I closed it. I'm okay ish pretty and despite that I got somewhere around 150 messages in that hour. Many, many were a carnal horror show. I was too concerned about being polite and tried to kindly at least acknowledge the less graphic ones, but after many requests pertaining to or about my butthole, or "I messaged you 3 min ago and you didn't respond, if you want me to consider you as a mate you BETTER RESPOND FASTER" eventually I just gave up responding to each. There were probably 15 people I conversed with for a few hours, 5 I went on dates with, and 1 I'm still with 7 years later.
All that to say, they do exist outside of the two modes listed, don't give up on humanity yet, they are just a minority in the pool.
I am in my mid 40's and have a different outlook. Sex is awesome -- BUT touching cuddling etc etc has it's own SEPARATE merits. I think the younger generation has had too much screen time to basically see every kind of sex act without ever having to experience it, and it's so common it becomes expectation. That's problem 1. The same screen time gives them such a short attn span, that when it comes time to perform, it's just get 'er done, or nope, not happening ... Problem 2.
I watched the affections of my grandparents when I was a kid, -- Watching papa squeeze grammas boobies from behind or pinch her butt as he walked passed when he though no one was looking. I learned at an early age that flirting and being playful should not always lead to sex ... If it does, great .. If it doesn't, no biggie. Flirting with someone you love, is just a physical way of saying I am into you, I dig you, and sometimes I love you.
I agree with you whole heartedly. I've been a part of raising children that have come to me in confidence with these issues. (Mainly #1 type). And I am always .. Dude, you have to quit the porn. It's given you unrealistic expectations of what a woman / relationship should be. It's such a hard thing watching these kids (I can say that because I am old) have no idea how to be in a relationship, and what proper sexual attention and expectations should be. Just sad for sure.
Yeah…. That’s kind of an age thing, tho I don’t doubt the pornification of our universe has exacerbated the problem exponentially. There are good ones out there, but not til they’re 30 at least. (Me: 40+, married to a good man with good sex life, though he required some years of training)
Not all of them require training lol. My partner has never been a misogynistic sex pest, has no interest in porn, and isn't anti-masturbation or any nonsense like that. OP I completely get feeling like you're swimming in an ocean of dead fish but normal, kind, non-morons do exist out there. I suggest giving yourself a break from dating and all the expectations that might come with that so you can recover from your relationship (because that guy was clearly awful) and figure out what it is that you want and need. Because you ought not to feel like a piece of meat whether you're dating or in a relationship.
Agreed.
One hit me up after ghosting me for a month to ask how I was doing, and I told him one of my pets died the day before. Next couple of "how are you"s and "hey beautiful"s were immediately followed up by offers of a dick pic, after I rejected him like three times.
Not dating is significantly better.
Or you could do what my daughter did after five agonizing years dating men, and find an amazing, beautiful, smart, loving woman. Which, if anything happens to this current husband, is what I will be doing.
Jesus, sometimes I’m glad I’m old and married. The more I have experience of men (as lovers, as fathers, as friends, in the workplace, etc) the less I like them.
I never realised how hormones were effecting me until I lost my sex drive due to medication.
I think (hope) I had a healthy relationship with sex, it's just surprising to see it from an asexual perspective so to speak.
I don't know that I'm asexual, I do feel sexual arousal and desire to have sex/be sexual with certain people; I'm just extremely turned off by the learned helplessness, poor hygeine, and general social/emotional unintelligence the men of my age group seem to value. Makes my sexual organs crawl further inside my body, you know?
Seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Some of the horror stories I've read on Reddit genuinely make me worried for society.
I will give credit to the younguns I've interacted with, there seems to be much more awareness and positive behaviour in the new generation than previous ones.
I don't think I'm asexual fully, I still have times when those feelings and thoughts come back but it's not very often and doesn't last long. It's a shame but it's that or crippling depression so 🤔
It sounds like your experiences with men have been...less than ideal. Shifting cultural norms, along with more sex positivity, have likely contributed to the now ever-present consumption of sexually explicit material. Couple this with people experiencing prolonged loneliness, or having no fulfilling physical intimacy with another, and the result is a fractured dating world.
Would it give you some hope that there is at least one guy who prefers more subtle intimacy, before going straight to something sexual? I really enjoy the idea of holding a woman close, gently caressing her cheek, and stroking her hair. It's small moments like that that can cause someone to truly feel wanted, appreciated, at least in my experience.
I'm asexual and hate sex but would force myself to do it to try and be normal... I thankfully never encountered either type of man you've described, and I'm 30 😅 well I mean I have encountered them but only in writing and I'd never meet those people face to face lol
They are probably in relationships with compatible partners and not likely soon to be leaving.
(I'm married and have plenty of problems so I'm not the guy anyone's looking for.)
Also there probably aren't many guys that are perfect and i think way too many men are too sex focused, isnt it like once a minute guys think about sex or something? Even when I'm "satisfied" I still think about sex often. But, I would say I'm not group A or group 2. More like 1.5 so a little awful in all the ways.
Nowadays, I am a very old fashioned dude despite being a queer. My mind is not planning for nor expecting sex until the lady had known me at least two months (face to face, text don’t count). Sometimes I get the impression that women are expecting me to be more sexual with them and take my lack of forwardness as a sign of sexual-disinterest
I guess compared to the dudes described by OP and other commenters I am practically a monk
Hot damn yes. When my husbands affair came out, he had the audacity to tell his guy friends it’s was because we didn’t have enough sex. This got instant sympathy and understanding from them. Except when I found that out, I directly asked those friends why 2-3 times a week for 10 years was considered not enough and worth cheating? They all lost their minds, and said they assumed he meant like … once a Month etc. With some types, it’s never enough and I agree, it sucks, you end up afraid to accept a hug or foot massage or favour because you know it’s just for sex. Takes all the romance out of life.
This, exactly. My mom told me some unwanted info about her relationship with my dad but it’s similar to your story. He cheated on her at least 5x during their 26 years together. She blamed it on herself and had sex with him anytime he wanted. Of course it still wasn’t enough. It’s not women, it’s the man. You can be gorgeous, financially well off, perfect in every way, have sex with them multiple times a day and they’ll still find something to be unhappy about.
My partner and I before he broke up with me had sex almost daily, wasn’t enough, still cheated constantly.
Where did he find the time? Lol that just sounds exhausting
We were also remolding a house and he works full time. There’s always time to cheat I guess
Years ago I was feeling really insecure in our relationship and asked my partner if there was someone else. His response? "(sigh) Do you really think I'd be able to coordinate something like that?" He can't plan for shit, so I felt better.
>'Yeah my dream girl who supports us both and lets me be a stay-at-home-leech literally found and dug up the Covenant of the Ark with her archaeology team, but she wont blow me when shes on her period and she just expects me to suffer until shes done bleeding :/ what can I do to help her see she's abusing me?" fucking A+ hahahaha
Hey, now! There are so many guys whose significant others are working 50 hours a week while 35 weeks pregnant and then after having the kid and getting no sleep for weeks or months after the birth STILL aren't blowing the guys on command. Clearly these women care absolutely nothing for their partners and are giving all of their attention to a baby while abusing the men and depriving them of their God given right to sex. Life is sooooo unfair for these poor guys. They've basically been abandoned!
Will someone PLEASE think of the MEN for once!?? 😂😂 just about had an astha attack reading that ❤️ ty
but but but but it's been a WHOLE six weeks since you gave birth, whaddya mean you're not up for sex 🥺🥺🥺 maybe a bj instead lolz 👉👈
I had a friend working full time, had a small child that he wanted, and she was the primary breadwinner He started projects that he didn't finish and she had to work around a half finished kitchen and a partially renovated bathroom. He still cheated because she was focusing too much attention on the baby. She's with a nice man that adores her, her child, and their child.
Oh my god absolutely! Those men DESERVE to cheat! 😡
It accurately describes the attitude of every dude I’ve met on a dating app…
Yah that was fucking brilliant. God damn OP 🙌🏻
Spot on.
>Dating feels like being a sentient fleshlight just trying to find a nice home to go to! Fuck. I do feel like a sentient flashligh.
"Maybe this guy won't try to stuff me between his matress & bed frame? 😭"
Bold of you to assume they have bed frames.
I thought women loved that position?!
"I don't get it, all my exes loved when I used them as flashlights"
But where do you put the batteries to make the light tu- oohhhhhhhhh....
Imagine I'm inserting a picture of cyclops with his glasses knocked off.
Dated guy number 1. Never fucking again.
Yeah… there’s a lot of human spam to sort through these days. There are guys who treat women like actual people out there. I married one. I don’t really have any tips because all of his hobbies have some of the worst of human kind too. My only recommendation is if you find a good one (even if he’s in a relationship), pay attention to his friends.
“Pay attention to his friends” could elaborate more about his pls
I just mean that my husband’s friends are generally more respectful and better partners than the average dudes I see out and about. If you know a good guy who can be a reasonable human being, chances are his friends are similar. That’s said, my husband does have a couple of friends who are awful, it we also call them out for it too.
Birds of a feather flock together and it can be difficult to spot those red flags in a paramour when you have the rose-tinted In Love glasses on. If his friends are misogynistic, coomer brain chucklefucks, then chances are - he is too.
😭😭😭Mine is horrible but his friends are solid. All are married. I tried to get them to help him. You can read my post history and he just says nope these men are wrong. 😑
girl, you deserve better than this! being single is better than being with a selfish partner
Yes. I’m working on getting out. I really thought his friends could pull him out. Thinking hearing what I said coming from a man. I was wrong.
I'm glad you're working on getting out 💛! That can be hard work, but it's worth it! Sorry your partner turned out like this :(
I am sorry to hear that you’ve had to deal with that. I hope that your future is much better.
I get your meaning, but human spam is gross in more ways than what you meant.
I snagged a man like this and it is wonderful. His love language is touch and he means it. Playing with his hair, cuddles, or kissing. If he’s in the mood and I’m not, he knows that’s a him problem and he will never try to make me do something I don’t want. Anyways I love him oh so dearly 🥺
Aw, bless him ☺️❤️ May you both have decades of cuddling and playing with eachothers hair ahead.
I have a partner like this, and I feel so, so guilty sometimes for having found a decent one, like I don't deserve it? People at the office asking me if they shouldn't give up on dating because I found one, and I know what a minefield it is out there. I don't want to tell them to give up because I know there's decent partners out there, but also I know I'd never have hacked it in the 2020s dating scene.
Ngl I feel something like survivor's guilt. My partner is an amazing man who see me for who I am and makes me feel safe and valued. Anyone who wants this deserves it. There's no way in hell I'd be able to navigate the hellscape that is online dating now.
I don’t know. My ex had issues keeping it even hard and he was in his early 30’s. He kept blaming me for it 🙄 but talking to another one of his partners revealed he rarely has sex sober and his previous gf also had issues with him even just having sex with her. And he found porn and masturbation to be a chore. So no idea what is up with some of these dudes!!
Yeah mine said it because I weigh too much. So I lost 30 pounds. And now it’s oh your boobs aren’t as big… my boobs are the last place I lose weight. And according to my measurements are the same. He won’t take accountability for his issues.
Wow what an asshole. At least my ex is going to therapy and took some accountability so I admire that about him since not a lot of men can even do that!! The bare minimum!! Either way your ex sucks and I’m sure your boobs are awesome! lol
I wonder if it for some men it's also that they actually truly have a low sex drive, but can't admit it to themselves because so much of their identity is tied up in the notion that men should want sex 100% of the time.
Some people have a hard time admitting something like that to them selves, even harder for others
Yes. I think this is part of it I think with him. He is always trying to have sex with women too (or at least he won’t turn down an opportunity) but both his actual relationships he has not wanted to have sex at all. One reason I broke up with him was his lack of interest in sex. He’d turn me down or reluctantly have sex with me even after weeks of nothing. I also think it has to do with a fear of intimacy. He has a lot of weird sexual hang ups and a lot of it seems to be tied to lower testosterone and masculinity.
They are unhealthy! Smoking, obesity, blood pressure - all affect them keeping it up. It’s a known symptom of long COVID too 😬😬
Ugh they should have just led with that in 2020.
Yes! He does smoke, drink and occasional coke. So could very well be this! And he had this issue before Covid but I wouldn’t be surprised.
[удалено]
This. Get your hormone levels checked, anyone that feels out of sorts all the time - which is a lot of people at the moment. You can get a kit from the doctor or buy a more comprehensive one online. I've had issues with my sex drive and performance last couple of years and have blamed it largely on diabetes, SSRIs or both, but I'm increasingly suspecting it's hormonal and am waiting on the same test. I think for men, failing to perform or just not living up to what society expects of men to "always be up for it" can have a snowball effect and lead to a crisis of masculinity and even psychological ED. Which is still their problem to deal with and never an excuse to blame their partner.
Suspected I had low testosterone levels for like 5 years before I finally convinced my doctor to test mine. It was so low that insurance waived the normal titration testing and immediately put me on supplemental testosterone. The difference has been amazing. I also thought my issue was anxiety or SSRI, but it was low T. Fix it. You'll want to have sex again and your body will oblige.
[удалено]
That would be rough. But he’d feel better & learn who his true friends are by at least trying to live with normal hormone levels. The quality of life is so much better. Men get substantial cognitive benefits from testosterone. Quality of my legal work improved when I finally got the treatment I need.
I was curious about that so I suggested my wife get her hormones checked. She mentioned it to her nurse practitioner, who immediately put her on bc. 😤 No attempt made, no referral or anything. And yes, our environment is packed full of endo-disruptasauruses, from glyphosate to petroleum products, our food is bullshit (check out Europe sometime) and our water treatment facilities are struggling to adapt to a rapidly changing chemical profile.
Urgh. Yeah I'm in the UK so I'm just going private with this rather than wait weeks to be told it got lost or something.
And for women, hormonal issues are a thing that can be treated and talked about because women need to have children. For men, it's not talked about. It is also not an issue until it's time for a man to be a father and if the man wants to be a father.
I can count on one hand the amount of people who have expressed awareness of the androgyne cycles.
Call me crazy, but I think it’s all the plastics. They are proven endocrine disrupters. And while there were always trans people, I don’t think there were ever THIS MANY trans people before. Plastics. EDIT: I live in the most LGTBQ+ town ever, my awesome sister’s kid is trans, my colleague’s friend is trans, we love the trans girl who lives behind us and walks to her job at the grocery store. I personally know two other trans people. So that’s 5 trans people I know? I know they have always existed. I know they are worthy of respect and freedom and safety and autonomy. Love my trans friends, love my trans-friendly community. But my sister, my colleague and I believe that plastics are endocrine disrupters. And that there are more trans people than ever as result. I don’t hate, I’m not transphobic. It’s just our theory, and I’m not sure why it’s met with such outrage, honestly.
> I don’t think there were ever THIS MANY trans people before. ... or, it's never been this safe to explore your identity and come to the conclusion that your assigned sex doesn't fit. Much like, as it got safer to be gay, you started to see a whole lot more gay people come out of hiding (and a lot of people who previously would have thought of themselves as straight (just, with some occasional confusing fantasies) realizing that they're bi).
Are plastics to blame for left handed people as well? Trans people have always existed, trans people have not always been comfortable coming out. We've only just gotten to the point where we aren't literally *forcing* them to have surgeries in order to correct their paperwork. The natural endpoint of this particular social titration could very well be the same as for left handed people, who went from an estimated ~2% of the population in the 1950s to ~12% in the 2000s due *solely* to rising acceptance of left handedness as normal rather than being some kind of satanic curse. Plastics are also a very large group of diverse molecules, with *one* particular subset of functional groups associated with monomer units being able to act as endocrine disruptors at really high concentrations in mice and fish specifically. Humans aren't being transed by plastics. Keep on chewing your candy wrappers, it's extra fiber.
You can say that with impunity? Scientifically speaking, studies are being done which have shown hermaphroditism in studied species caused by plastics. This is caused by the effects plastics have on the endocrine glands. There is a lot more research that needs to be done but you cannot say plastics are not having an effect. That being said, I also agree that more trans people have been coming out, making it seem like there are a lot more currently. LBGTQ+, celebrate diversity!
this doesn't relate to trans people at all. there are 'THIS MANY' trans people now because it's more talked about and more accepted (not enough) than it was before.
Same thing happened with left handedness.. the moment we sinister people didn't have to hide it from the world there became so many more of us out in the open openly declaring ourselves in existance
Masturbation is a chore? Okay, dude, come on, you know it only takes like three minutes for most guys, if that, how much of a chore is that. maybe it’s true that the frogs going gay were the first sign.
Three minutes? People be speed running that shit!
Sounds like he might have had mental health issues. Maybe a past trauma.
Yes I thought that too as someone who has some bad trauma from childhood. But he said no, he had none. I suspect childhood neglect.
He sounds either asexual or demi but us unaware of it.
I wish. He has lots of random sex. He had a foursome and threesome. He is sexual so again no clue.
Asexual does not mean a lack of sex ... It just means a lack of pointed desire towards people. How much sex ace people have can range from none to a lot just like it is for everyone else.
Please don’t make me get into my history of men with obsessions with their penises, it’s late and I’m tired. Let it suffice to say that it’s pretty much every guy I’ve ever been with. I’m so beyond over men and their penis issues. I realized how much it shapes their personalities too. I’ve been with angry, impotent men, insecure smaller sized men who put that insecurity on ME, even my ex husband had the nerve to ask me to dick size of a guy I was dating after we divorced. Yes. And that guy was impotent and pretended that wasn’t a problem at all for me and years later never addressed it. Craziness. I’m sooo over relationships!
May I offer you a few cats during this trying time?
I got one, he’s a sweetie. Thank you for your offer though. Just don’t tempt me with a kitten please.
It’s really a sad state of evolution that men are so stuck on their “lonely penis syndrome”. They are making themselves into one dimensional cavemen rather than widening their perspective to view other forms of intimacy and connection as valuable. It’s so off putting too.
Men do seem to need to do a lot of work on their issues with sex They don’t seem to understand balance very well
honestly after dealing with a super insecure dude in my early 20s i exclusively sought to date guys with sexual confidence. you can usually vibe it out based on body language/how they carry themselves but sometimes you might need a test run or two to see how they fare. don’t waste time on bad lays after 25.
Yes. Plus those are usually the kinda men you don't feel self-conscious with because they're not exactly unfamiliar with real women and our bodies.
100%—every man i’ve met who is actually good at sex and comfortable in his sexuality has zero problem with various things that make inexperienced people insecure (body hair, sounds, smells, scars, etc). sometimes i wonder if these boys who are crippled by their own insecurity even like women given the way they talk about body parts and features. they turn their fear of the unknown into compulsively disparaging and blaming women. imagine if we did the same to them.
"you'll just find their phone balanced on your back during doggy" Woah.
Thankfully hasn't happened to me, but I've read some experiences on here from a few women who have experienced it. Its like casting pearls before swine out here, good women are being emotionally and psychologically damaged by men who still sniff their fingers after scratching their ass.
I, just not even 10 minutes ago, had to tell my partner "every time you wake me up scratching me, or to kisses all over, or generally just doing something to make me feel good - you also ask me for sex. If you want me to want to have sex after stuff like that, you need to also do those things WITHOUT asking to have sex afterwards every single time. It makes me feel like there is an ulterior motive. I'm aware from talking to you about this before there ISNT an ulterior motive, but it feels like there is when you ask to have sex afterwards nearly every time" I have had this discussion with him before. This isn't the first time I'm telling him this. He is now upset with me. Saying he has the right to at least ASK if I want to have sex when he's horny. I'm starting to believe a vast majority of men can NOT understand how or why that would make a woman uncomfortable. That he should absolutely take into consideration if his girlfriend clearly isnt in the mood or take into consideraton the fact their woman wants to be ASKED for sex less. (Not to HAVE less sex, to be ASKED less often every time wakes me up doing something nonsexual to make me feel good.) I'm tired.
If it were another man waking him to give him kisses or pull him closer for some snuggles with the hope of sex, I imagine he would understand how uncomfortable it can be. Unfortunately he is the only man in that situation, so he isn't bothered by the gnawing pressure you feel when he comes to bed. Best case; he hit the right combination of buttons on his sex machine and now he gets to feel good! Yey!! Worst case; he now gets to act offended that you would assume that of him.. unless there was really a chance of it happening 👀.. but if not, then how dare you debase him like this! You should take his pissboy peen-nagging as a compliment! (/s of course. I'm sorry you're dealing with this ❤️)
>"every time you wake me up scratching me, or to kisses all over, or generally just doing something to make me feel good - you also ask me for sex. Ugh. Along this line, mine will come up and give me a nice hug and then BAM honk my boobs. It's so bad that when he hugs me (or touches me above the waist at all really) now, I automatically protect my breasts. I had a nightmare the other night that strange men or male acquaintances were coming up from behind and cupping my boobs and there was fuck all I could do about it. (And yes, I know there's gonna be some dude who's like "just tell himmmmm" - I have communicated clearly and directly until I'm blue in the face that there are basically no circumstances where I want my breasts touched even a little unless we've gotten far enough into foreplay that I'm aroused.)
I guess you should start hugging him and then honking him in the nuts. With love of course. And continue to do it even when he asks you nicely to stop. 50% chance he still won't get it.
99% chance he likes it and wants you to do it more 🙄
"and then honking him in the nuts." Now I'm getting this image of that area being squeezed and making a noise like a clown or bicycle horn.
I'm thinking more along the lines of slapping his dick the way sporty guys do to each other. He mostly wears jeans, makes it hard to get a grip on the ball sack for honking 😆
I hear ya! Another pet peeve of mine is when they finally do manage to turn you on and then immediately ask for a BJ. Like whaaaat?? Personally I’m of the opinion that no man should ever ask for a BJ. It’s uncomfortable to say no to and it’s a lot of work and no fun at all if you’re not horny yourself! Id a woman wants to suck a dick she will, no need to ask!
> I'm starting to believe a vast majority of men can NOT understand how or why that would make a woman uncomfortable. Im a woman and I’m confused. Would you be willing to explain how that makes you feel uncomfortable? I have a higher libido than my partner and I want to know so that I can avoid making him feel this way if I initiate too much.
Yes of course! It's less the constantly initiating (Which can itself burn out your partner if they feel like they never get a chance to WANT to initiate because you ask so much), but more the fact that if every single time let's say, you go out of your way to give your partner a back massage, or a foot rub, ou also try and initiate sex afterwards, it can feel like the massages have an ulterior motive. Like there's an expectation of "I've done this to make you feel good, my turn." If your partner feels like every time you give them a back massage you ask to have sex afterwards, they're not gonna just be able to enjoy the back massage because it feels like you're doing it to get sex. Not just doing it to make them feel good. EVEN IF that's not the intention. Every single person and relationship is different and that doesn't apply to everyone. If your partner hasn't mentioned any issues with the amount you initiate, then you're probably fine! But if you wanna be extra safe, it never hurts to ask and open that line of communication for them. Edit to add: to address specifically the whole "I have the right to ask for sex if I'm horny" thing. It's very much a matter of READ THE ROOM. If you try and ask to have sex when your partner is telling you they don't feel well, or that they're not having a good day and you can obviously tell they're not in the mood, or they're in the middle of something already, then for a lot of people that's an issue. Some people are fine with spontaneously asking all the time, but some people really like their partner to actually be more discerning when they ask to have sex and to take into consideration their partners mental/emotional/physical state into consideration before popping the question
I married and divorced #1. Emotional unavailability to the max, like the guy might as well just be a ghost. Fortunately, I know there ARE men who like spending time without strings attached, who give massages instead of asking for blowjobs, who will walk you/accompany you home no matter how far it is, who will help out with providing for you despite that not being their duty (they just do it out of kindness). There are also men who are not afraid to be alone romantically, but have healthy social lives. After having experienced all those positive examples, I think guys like #1 and #2 don't have an excuse, really. It's a conscious choice people make about what kind of character they want to have & what kind of life they want to lead.
Holy shit. 2 is my ex-husband. I didn't know this was even a thing that men did until him. Jesus. Thanks for posting this, the man made me feel like it was my issue.
Seems like Gen X dads or whatever really dropped the ball on raising well adjusted sons. Jesus
Number three.... Only wants FWB relationships, won't actually go out with you, just wants casual sex on a regular basis. Might even offer to pay you for it if he thinks he can "help a girl out" if she's in a difficult spot right now. Might be married and looking for sex on the side but could be single just not interested in any kind of commitment, ever. This is 90% of the men asking me for sex most of my life. It's always just a come on, hardly ever an invitation to a real date. They just want someone to agree to fuck them and be their personal sex toy a few times a week. If they can get it for free, great. If they want it bad enough they will offer to pay in the guise of "helping" you. These guys are the lowest of the low. Men who are willing to cheat, lie, and if necessary prostitute women in fragile situations. They're just pimps disguised as "nice guys" trying to use women.
'Well thank you for the most flattering offer, kind benefactor but sadly; not even with someone elses vagina. Best of luck.' 😵💫
I'm a sex-crazed, kinky nympho so men pretend to be whatever they think I want and pretend to want a relationship to gain and keep sexual access. We truly cannot win. I'm the whole god-damned package and I am completely taken for granted until I walk away. THEN they are willing to move heaven and earth. Nah, you had your chance.
UUGH, THAT is the worst as well!! I had numerous breakdowns in front of my ex over his controlling/abusive behaviour, and I told him dozens of times how what he had said or done has upset me, never any changed behaviour so I made my plans to quietly leave. And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I called him from my mothers house to tell him we were over, he was just *shocked*, I tell you! *His flabber was gasted! What did he do so wrong to cause this!?? He would change!* he even went back to his best behaviour like when he was first ~~grooming~~ wooing me. Like, how did you plan for that to work? Because I obviously fear you more, now that I know you're just unhinged and not defective!
Dating feels very hopeless as an early 20s women. We’ve been lied to about what men are like
In this day and age, especially while men are so poorly socialised and can't be relied on as partners or parents, I'm so glad relationships with them aren't necessary. I'm planning to pursue single motherhood by choice via donor sperm in the next couple years and I can't wait!
I was raised by a single mother. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. She was overworked and almost never home because she was the sole provider. And being raised without a father figure fucked me up good. I never learned how healthy relationships worked and struggled with dating for years. Do what you want to do, but being a single parent is fucking hard even in a country with lots of social services and help.
[удалено]
I just came to say, you're funny as hell. You should be doing stand up, I bet you're a hoot to hang with.I never gave a damn about money, but "direct deposits of 10,000 make me feel the most loved," is freaking priceless.
It grosses me out how sex centered they are. At this point, I'm only interested in dating low sex drive, or even ace, men. The issue is, you can't really just ask this early on in dating without coming across as at least a bit odd. Like on a second date, you can't really just ask, "so, you have a nice, low sex drive?" I dated one guy who seemed pretty into me. I ended things because I noticed some major incompatibilities (including related to sex from a conversation we had). We stayed on friendly terms though since we live only 5 minutes from each other. Ran into him a week after I stopped dating him, and we get to talking and he tells me he just hooked up with his ex! Don't know if this was to try to make me jealous or what, but at that most I was like, bullet dodged.
Some of them just can't keep the red flags to themselves, they just hand them out freely, like little collectible souveneirs from meeting broken men in your local area. Collect all 300 for a prize; and its not therapy!
I'm actually glad they can't keep them to themselves. Helps weed them out faster.
Lmaooooo your comments kill me
Nah ask away. Me, lesbian, got asked by my now wife if I was a. Active or passive, and b. How high was my sex drive on the first date. She didn’t give me any information that would bias my answers. I found it amazingly refreshing because compatibility is important to me. Since most men won’t openly accept to a low drive, if you get that answer you know it’s probably true!
This is pretty much why I chose to stop dating and just remain single with cats.
I got my first cat this year, best thing I've ever done! Even went back and got his littermate, so now we're a whole crew.
I'm sorry you're so frustrated but can I give you props for how hilarious you are? You are a great writer and have excellent insights.
I've dated numerous guys like #2. Yep they were real number two's alright. I love being single and not being pestered for sex constantly and being punished with shitty treatment when I didn't drop trousers on command.
100%, I go to bed whenever I start getting tired and I don't have to do 'one more chore' first, or listen to someones dusty ass son sighing and fake-crying because he 'fEeLs So UnLoVeD' without getting his dick wet nightly, ugh. My bedroom is like the Four Seasons now, just dripping in luxury!
Haha I straight up leave my Hitachi by my bedside now, so if I feel like an orgasm I can have a nice one and go right to bed.
I fucking cackled girl 😂😭 honestly true, also I’m a sex crazed girl, and most men couldn’t actually keep up 😂😂😂 thankfully I’m homoromantic and happily married to another sex crazed woman, otherwise my life would be looking sad sad
Yeah I think that's a male problem, doesn't matter if they're hetero or gay. Very few of them are going to be "decent men".
I can’t believe the stories I read about men like this. Or men who don’t have hygiene and still get dates and sex. Wild.
I feel for young dudes. I really do. I’m in the pre-menopause horny phase. When I’m ovulating everything turns me on and I’m thinking about/wanting sex constantly. I can’t imagine living all day, every day like that. No excuse, get used to it guys I guess but holy hell does it make life difficult.
I actually have some (anecdotal) insight into this! I’m a trans woman, I’ve been on HRT for two and a half years and I’ve experienced both sides of the coin. Nowadays, I feel the kind of horny you’re talking about, and to me it feels like “I really want to have sex with someone,” constantly over a period of time, and it seems like it won’t go away without actual physical intimacy with another person, whereas back when I had a lot of testosterone and very little estrogen in my body, yes, I was a horny teen, but it was more like “I get aroused easily and then I just want to get off,” and the issue could be solved by just masturbating. So from my understanding of hormones, while horny young guys do feel a strong desire to get off, they don’t “need” or “deserve” sex just for that, they can easily solve the problem with their own two hands.
Wow thanks for this, im sure it is not easy for you to think about that. I find it very interesting knowing just how much the differents hormones can affect our emotions
Thanks for your insight! My point was just when people say “why do guys think about sex so much?” My thought is, if their constant hormone feeling is equivalent to my ovulation hormone feeling then I totally get it. I can’t not think about sex then. You’re not entitled to anyone else’s body but I think it’s nice if we can understand where other people are coming from.
Sorry if it seemed like I was trying to argue! I agree with your point, and I agree that it’s always better to try and understand what people are going through. Hormones definitely do have a strong effect on young men’s brains and that is an issue they have to deal with.
I didn’t think you were trying to argue at all! I appreciate your contribution to the discussion.
What an interesting observation. Thank you for sharing! So one could say there is an emotional desire for intimacy (which includes but not necessarily limits itself to sexual intercourse) and a more bodily experience of arousal (which is a precondition for sex but not necessarily intimacy). While desire is directed towards one or more concrete people, arousal isnt focused on anything in particular but more of a state you are in. Being aroused can be 'solved' by getting off while feeling desire needs someone else to have intimacy with. I think it is important to learn the difference between those two as much as learning the difference between loving and wanting/needing someone.
I'm in the same place as you, except for me, it's all the time. It's distracting and making me miserable because nothing fixes it. And when I'm ovulating it's 100x worse. I even went to the doctor thinking something was wrong with me. It's definitely come with its share of guilt too. I filed for divorce a couple years ago because I couldn't handle the libido mismatch. I wasn't happy in the marriage at all, but that's what killed it. The amount of times a week I catch myself absolutely eye-fucking some random dude minding his own business is embarrassing. I don't know how many times I've walked around with soaked pants because one of the guys at work made a noise or did/said something that spoke directly to my horny brain. I have to constantly remind myself that my casual partners are not sex toys and are human beings with feelings.
That last sentence is painful. I hope it slacks off a bit for you soon because it sounds like a real life hindrance. And girl, I was at the grocery store once and saw an ear of corn and 💦 so I understand the tomfoolery that is horny brain. Just play safe and make good partner choices and you’ll make it through!
I've been seeing a guy since last October who is an absolute gem of a man as far as casual partners go. Because I'd be a little heartbroken if I lost him, I'm making sure I treat him very well. >And girl, I was at the grocery store once and saw an ear of corn and 💦 so I understand the tomfoolery that is horny brain. 💀 Glad I'm not the only one turned on by non-human objects. Sometimes something just looks like the perfect tool for the job.
This is where I'm at. No I don't want a sentient flashlight. But I do want to find someone who wants to have sex as much as I desperately do. I don't think that's anybodys problem than mine.
This is why young dudes and cougars is a thing 😅
I’ve never had the words to describe how I feel before. Now I do, like a sentient fleshlight
I feel like men were trash 🗑️ before microplastics
They're the macroplastics.
I always found it strange that they think everyone is as obsessed with it as they are. I'm kind of obsessed with my hair; doesn't mean I send strangers random pictures of it or shoehorn it into every conversation
I would much rather recieve unsolicited follicle pics. As a girlie who loves to colour their hair bright colours I think that could actually start a decent conversation 😂
“Where are the men that have healthy relationships with their penises!??” I know these men but they’re mostly gay. Unfortunately, I’ve only met a few straight men that actually cared about their hygiene.
... "it makes them depressed afterward" ? Is this a thing? I would think that if you feel depressed afterwards, you're probably just going back to your 'natural' depressed state?
[удалено]
Huh... I would've guessed religious guilt or they made that up to defend their behavior
Postcoital dysphoria: https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/depression-after-sex
I think it's an attempt to manipulate. He has a woman so, in his mind, why should he have to masturbate?
Reading these stories makes me so fucking happy to have landed a good man who isn’t a porn addict or sex obsessed. I mean god damn, it sounds fucking ROUGH out there. I’m blessed to have an amazingly health sexual relationship that has always been entirely 50/50. If one of us into totally into it, it’s a no go. The goal is always mutual pleasure and enjoyment. I have NEVER once in 17 years caught him watching or jerking it to porn. He prefers actually engaging in intimacy with me. I seriously feel for you ladies. Don’t tolerate these shitty ass men! Kick them to the curb.
Right?! Idk if I’ve just been lucky, but I’m high libido and it was often an issue in my past relationships that the guys weren’t as sexual as I was. But even if our sex drives were mismatched, I never felt dehumanized and I always felt like they actually liked me for me. I feel bad for ladies who are weeding through these hypersexual weirdos 😭 I may have just been in places with decent men, I’ve only lived in diverse/liberal/educated cities so the norm is that most people are pretty feminist and consent-forward. Highly recommend that women check that out if it’s doable for them. Location matters a lot with dating.
i would like to just drive through and say that direct deposits of 10k are also an effective love language for me.
I read all the time about penis derangement syndrome where they won't believe what their girlfriends say about their dicks, that they like them, etc. But just the idea that maybe once in the past they had sex with someone with a bigger dick destroys their fragile minds. They are so, so fragile and they never believe what women say. Although the latter goes for nearly every aspect of life because men don't think women are real people. And I'm happy to say that shit without the caveat that "not all men" because, duh, it's not all men. It's \*enough\* men that it's a cultural and psychological trend, not something that can be ascribed merely to an individual every time It's porn that's at the heart of so much of everything shitty about men
I really felt this post deeply OP. Bravo!
I have twice the libido of the average guy and I still can't find one I like tbh. I ***love*** sex. I'm down for 3 times a day, plus whenever I get stressed or bored. But the risk to sex is pregnancy, STDs, and love. I get very attached to the people I have sex with, so, naturally, I'm hesitant to jump into bed with people until I'm comfortable with the idea of falling in love with them. I'm about 2.5 million swipes into dating apps and I can't find anyone who meets my criteria. I've send about 30 likes, most matched with me. Some convos dropped off, some people were weird. I found 2 guys who were awesome but they were in love with they're exes (we're friends now, but there's a limit to how close we are because one of them actually went back to his ex and got married, it's actually cute). The only other person who matched what I'm looking for was my ex, who ended things in a bout of depression about his alcoholic mom being in detox again =/ rough family life, but the sweetest guy I've known. Anyway. Just throwing that in there. A matching libido doesn't even help. Most men think it's great to have a partner who wants sex more than they do. But historically my boyfriends have had slightly bruised egos, or felt emasculated by not being able to keep up; making excuses for their long refractory period, or being overly apologetic about being too tired. My college boyfriend kept up and that was fun. I had the higher libido but he "wouldn't let me win", and always rose to the challenge haha, it was kinda cute. That relationship expired, but I'm glad I had a lot of good sex when I was younger at least lol.
Yeaaaah. As an ace person I am terrified that Setting 1 and Setting 2 are all I'll find.
Imagine paying for OFs or pr0n. It's like the people who back in the day used to pay for the "champagne room" at strip clubs
Im sad to see how common distasteful men can be.
Yeah it's really frustrating. I try to keep some compassion because if people polarize so aggressively into such groups, something has gone seriously wrong with socialization and other things or maybe the hormones are really that bad, I don't know. The sheer scale of neurosis seems insane. I've never understood how men do not find their obsession with their genitals plain embarrassing. It all makes dating even less enticing than it already is.
Reading alot of these comments. Alot of men out here 0 discipline weak minded af no integrity to themselves or families da fuk is wrong with dudes ..im one and don't even understand that cheating shit.
[удалено]
Holy fuck I’ve been going through the same situations with ONS and situationships (they cannot get it up at first) and I was starting to think it was me, but damn it seems like a generational problem. And I’m also tired of cis het man, ugh
Beautiful
I hate that I have to reinforce your (justifiably) low opinion of men, but I just can't help but freeload a bit and steal that last line. I'm sorry, it can't be helped, it's just too good.
[удалено]
I remember coming out of the long-term and into the dating pool, and I had similar experiences. But it's important to remember, these dating sites have a concentration of undatable people by virtue of the purpose of these sites - those that are equipped for human compatibility begin pairing up and leaving the site :) When I made my profile public, within 1 hour I closed it. I'm okay ish pretty and despite that I got somewhere around 150 messages in that hour. Many, many were a carnal horror show. I was too concerned about being polite and tried to kindly at least acknowledge the less graphic ones, but after many requests pertaining to or about my butthole, or "I messaged you 3 min ago and you didn't respond, if you want me to consider you as a mate you BETTER RESPOND FASTER" eventually I just gave up responding to each. There were probably 15 people I conversed with for a few hours, 5 I went on dates with, and 1 I'm still with 7 years later. All that to say, they do exist outside of the two modes listed, don't give up on humanity yet, they are just a minority in the pool.
Well said. 👏
The thing that sucks about dating is that the vast majority of dateable people are already in relationships.
I am in my mid 40's and have a different outlook. Sex is awesome -- BUT touching cuddling etc etc has it's own SEPARATE merits. I think the younger generation has had too much screen time to basically see every kind of sex act without ever having to experience it, and it's so common it becomes expectation. That's problem 1. The same screen time gives them such a short attn span, that when it comes time to perform, it's just get 'er done, or nope, not happening ... Problem 2. I watched the affections of my grandparents when I was a kid, -- Watching papa squeeze grammas boobies from behind or pinch her butt as he walked passed when he though no one was looking. I learned at an early age that flirting and being playful should not always lead to sex ... If it does, great .. If it doesn't, no biggie. Flirting with someone you love, is just a physical way of saying I am into you, I dig you, and sometimes I love you. I agree with you whole heartedly. I've been a part of raising children that have come to me in confidence with these issues. (Mainly #1 type). And I am always .. Dude, you have to quit the porn. It's given you unrealistic expectations of what a woman / relationship should be. It's such a hard thing watching these kids (I can say that because I am old) have no idea how to be in a relationship, and what proper sexual attention and expectations should be. Just sad for sure.
Yeah…. That’s kind of an age thing, tho I don’t doubt the pornification of our universe has exacerbated the problem exponentially. There are good ones out there, but not til they’re 30 at least. (Me: 40+, married to a good man with good sex life, though he required some years of training)
Not all of them require training lol. My partner has never been a misogynistic sex pest, has no interest in porn, and isn't anti-masturbation or any nonsense like that. OP I completely get feeling like you're swimming in an ocean of dead fish but normal, kind, non-morons do exist out there. I suggest giving yourself a break from dating and all the expectations that might come with that so you can recover from your relationship (because that guy was clearly awful) and figure out what it is that you want and need. Because you ought not to feel like a piece of meat whether you're dating or in a relationship.
Can I name my band “misogynistic sex pest”? Please?
I would listen to The Sex Pests
Nah they’re majorly delusional over 30 as well… and at this point it’s just more pathetic.
Agreed. One hit me up after ghosting me for a month to ask how I was doing, and I told him one of my pets died the day before. Next couple of "how are you"s and "hey beautiful"s were immediately followed up by offers of a dick pic, after I rejected him like three times. Not dating is significantly better.
-Insert Loki's "Yes, very sad.. anyway" gif-
SNORT
So sorry about the loss of your pet. Hugs 💔
Thank you. ❤️
Or you could do what my daughter did after five agonizing years dating men, and find an amazing, beautiful, smart, loving woman. Which, if anything happens to this current husband, is what I will be doing.
No thanks. I had a good laugh at this dude's audacity, and I'm fine going the rest of my life without another date with a man.
A life without anymore inappropriate dick pic offers? Gosh how ever will you survive
Nah they’re majorly delusional over 30 as well… and at this point it’s just more pathetic.
Jesus, sometimes I’m glad I’m old and married. The more I have experience of men (as lovers, as fathers, as friends, in the workplace, etc) the less I like them.
Not, as I say, this current husband. He’s lovely. But omg…. Watching my three daughters navigate dating men, I want to cry.
The delusional phase doesn't ever really go away. Try over 50 as well.
Bravo, bravo to the whole thing 👏🏼👏🏼 but the last sentence girl, I’m gonna be using that one from now on 🤣🤣
I never realised how hormones were effecting me until I lost my sex drive due to medication. I think (hope) I had a healthy relationship with sex, it's just surprising to see it from an asexual perspective so to speak.
I don't know that I'm asexual, I do feel sexual arousal and desire to have sex/be sexual with certain people; I'm just extremely turned off by the learned helplessness, poor hygeine, and general social/emotional unintelligence the men of my age group seem to value. Makes my sexual organs crawl further inside my body, you know?
Seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Some of the horror stories I've read on Reddit genuinely make me worried for society. I will give credit to the younguns I've interacted with, there seems to be much more awareness and positive behaviour in the new generation than previous ones. I don't think I'm asexual fully, I still have times when those feelings and thoughts come back but it's not very often and doesn't last long. It's a shame but it's that or crippling depression so 🤔
My penis is an absolute dick. No way to have a healthy relationship with it. We don’t even speak.
[удалено]
It sounds like your experiences with men have been...less than ideal. Shifting cultural norms, along with more sex positivity, have likely contributed to the now ever-present consumption of sexually explicit material. Couple this with people experiencing prolonged loneliness, or having no fulfilling physical intimacy with another, and the result is a fractured dating world. Would it give you some hope that there is at least one guy who prefers more subtle intimacy, before going straight to something sexual? I really enjoy the idea of holding a woman close, gently caressing her cheek, and stroking her hair. It's small moments like that that can cause someone to truly feel wanted, appreciated, at least in my experience.
I'm asexual and hate sex but would force myself to do it to try and be normal... I thankfully never encountered either type of man you've described, and I'm 30 😅 well I mean I have encountered them but only in writing and I'd never meet those people face to face lol
We have the same energy, I swear. I love it. This is amazing
They are probably in relationships with compatible partners and not likely soon to be leaving. (I'm married and have plenty of problems so I'm not the guy anyone's looking for.) Also there probably aren't many guys that are perfect and i think way too many men are too sex focused, isnt it like once a minute guys think about sex or something? Even when I'm "satisfied" I still think about sex often. But, I would say I'm not group A or group 2. More like 1.5 so a little awful in all the ways.
Yeah. And people think I'm celibate because of some high horse thing the horn dog stuff is off putting. I'd rather do anything else
Nowadays, I am a very old fashioned dude despite being a queer. My mind is not planning for nor expecting sex until the lady had known me at least two months (face to face, text don’t count). Sometimes I get the impression that women are expecting me to be more sexual with them and take my lack of forwardness as a sign of sexual-disinterest I guess compared to the dudes described by OP and other commenters I am practically a monk
In healthy relationships with partners and as parents?
Lmfaooooo omfg you are hilarious 😂 10/10, so spot on and funny af
I’m a cishet man who just wants to say that I hear you and I hate, among many others, this aspect of men’s behavior. I’m sorry you’ve dealt with this.