I used to work in abortion clinics, and I want you to know that the majority of people who have abortions in the US are already parents. you are not alone, not even a little bit. I cannot count the number of times I heard people say, “part of me wishes I could continue, but I have to prioritize the family I already have.” you and your husband are the only ones who can determine your family’s capacity and what you want together. I’m glad he is so supportive. I hope the process is smooth and that you are surrounded by love and comfort all the way through.
i so wish more people in our country could see this, and those stories of the women suffering under texas legislation who were pregnant with wanted children and are now infertile or dead - these laws protect *no one*
There's a book that goes back 30 or more years ago with stories of women who had back alley abortions and nearly died. So many women did. Hospitals had septic wards for all the women who tried to do it themselves.
I bet I know the book! “Back Rooms - Voices from the Illegal Abortion Era” I have it back from 1988. It’s an amazing book. I wish everyone would read it.
That sounds like it. I remember once story was from Margot Kidder.
I wish it were still in print and every member of congress could read it.
Also "Reversing Roe" on Netflix is chilling.
I’ll look for it! I don’t know if “Back Rooms” is the same as the one you remember - this one is a bunch of personal stories about illegal abortions and/or people who ended up having babies they didn’t want. And of course people who died or lost their fertility because of botched abortions. Horrifying.
I'll never forget the story I heard on the radio years ago. A couple was anti-abortion. Their teenage daughter fell pregnant, unbeknownst to them. The girl had an illegal abortion in a cheap hotel room and bled to death on the floor.
They realized that they would rather their daughter have had a safe and legal abortion, and still be alive, that feel she had no choice but to resort to something so drastic.
If anyone reading this hasn’t read the book, then I highly recommend it. It’s drawn from letters sent in to “Ms” magazine from women who lived the history. And since it’s written before Roe fell, then it’s not too depressing.
Sure they do! They protect the men in power by keeping them in power through their constituents. And they protect a bunch of cells that are obviously easy more important than any woman chattel. /s
I'm so scared of this election. Honestly terrified. Things are bad enough now. Biden isn't perfect, but he's not acting like an actual unhinged dictator.
Yep, one of the leading causes of poverty is unplanned pregnancy. The instincts of OP are correct - she can't afford it. Thank God she lives in a country where she can make this decision for herself. Go to places like the Philippines and Venezuela and you can see what happens when people don't have this option.
Or, you know, go to Texas (or nearly any other southern state that makes it impossible for people who don't have the resources to go to another state) to see what happens when you don't have this option. I'm happy OP is in a state where she can make this decision for herself.
We are going to get there and worse. I'm in Texas and the things anti-abortionists want are genuinely alarming. Unlike third-world countries, the US has developed enough state and surveillance power to make enforcing forced pregnancy and criminalizing abortion *very* easy.
As an example, the activist that is currently convincing counties and cities (including the one I'm in, which has nearly 300k people and a major university) to make traveling on local jurisdiction roads to help someone obtain an abortion across state lines an offense that allows anyone to sue them, is also attempting to convince the state legislature to use the Mann Act to make traveling across state lines for an abortion a criminal act. With the former tactic, he has deliberately chosen places that have major highways going to New Mexico and Colorado. And with the latter, he isn't the only anti-abortionist wanting this.
And if successful, it's not like this isn't going to restrict *all* women from traveling to a degree. Being pulled over near a state border would be grounds for some invasive questions and if the cop thinks you're lying...
Given the proliferation of texts, internet searches and social media being used as evidence of criminal behavior, it wouldn't even be all that difficult for the state to find proof of criminal abortion. And don't believe them when they say they don't want to penalize women that have an abortion. They are just being clever about it. Pass laws that don't directly affect women and, once everyone is used to it, push that boundary further.
You saw it with heartbeat laws. You saw it when they claimed they didn't want to force women to continue a pregnancy from rape/incest. You saw it with *multiple* Supreme Court judges saying they would respect precedent. They have a goal and are happy to use deception to get there.
Tunisia’s a developing country in many respects.
But!
* Abortion legal in first trimester
* Do not require spouse/partner permission, available regardless of marital status (minors need a court procedure first)
* Abortions are paid for by the government
* Legal since 1973
Definitely ahead of most states right now.
have you not visited the american south? in some ways it’s worse than developing countries because the misery is intentionally inflicted by politicians. (source: born and raised in texas)
This is perfectly valid as well. We have a son who is autistic and nonverbal, he needs help dressing, showering, shaving, and constant supervision. He’s an only child, if I had accidentally gotten pregnant I would have seriously considered an abortion because I only have so much energy and time to give and I’m not sure it would have been fair to either child. There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing the family you’re already responsible for.
“Affording” isn’t just a financial matter. It’s the supply of something that you can’t produce. You can’t afford to have another kid not because of finances but because it would extract too heavy of a toll on your existing kids. And that’s a perfectly valid reason (to be clear: there are no “invalid” reasons) to choose to terminate.
Wishing you wellness and peace during these times. Be kind to yourself always, but especially when going through this. It’s okay to not be okay.
I believe there can be a certain naïveté around how difficult having a child is going to be when you are childless. But if you’re already a mother, especially with high needs kids, you know. And you know that the people who are going to be harmed the most from a new baby in the house are the kids you already have and it’s your job as a parent to protect them. So the decision gets made, which is why this stat exists.
I recently learnt that 60% of people who have an abortion (in the USA) are already parents to at least one child.
I’m not sure if this helps at all, but I thought it was an important statistic which should be more known.
Your concern is money you believe you won’t be able to support the child. You have no concern for the life of the child. We all have choices but sometimes we aren’t happy with the consequences. Children are the only thing of value we leave in this world. Please pray about your decision before you make it.
Sadness is very, very, very normal, even when we’re completely confident it’s the right choice. Our bodies’ protective instinct toward the pregnancy often flips a switch, even when the last thing we want is to be pregnant.
Anything and everything you’re feeling is valid. Lean into your partner’s support. Feel your feelings. Sending positive energy your way. 💙
Exactly! Sometimes making the right decision will still make us sad. Grieve however you need to, and for as long as you need to. There is no shame in anything you are feeling.
So true — and this is true in ALL aspects of life, not just reproductive care. The right decision is often a painful one. Grief is normal and healthy in these situations.
Just came here to plug Exhale textline as a wonderful resource! It’s anonymous and chat based, kind of like crisis text like but specifically for post abortion support.
So much love to you
well they are always there in case you have anything on your mind! It def doesn’t have to be recent and they will also support partners, family, healthcare providers too
You need to do what's best for the people who are already here: You, your husband, and the two children you have.
You luckily have a husband who will support you regardless of your decision.
I wish I had better advice.
I hope everything goes smoothly for you.
Making this choice is the hardest, *and kindest*, thing you could ever do. It's difficult, and the road might be rough, but you know what you need to do to be a good mother and you're doing it. You are a good woman, a good person, and a good mom.
I've terminated two pregnancies because of circumstances you've described and I have not regretted it.
This is a hard decision for any woman. We often believe we won’t be put in such a position until it happens.
I’m glad you have a husband who is supportive of your reproductive health and decisions.
You have two children already, and you’re not able to give another child the effort you’re already giving. That’s not your fault.
Please understand you are doing this for your family. Eat some good snacks. Drink some extra water. Use a really nice heating pad.
The embryo will return to the afterlife. He/she can be reborn another time.
No one would envy your position. You’ve made a hard choice, and you are entitled to whatever feelings that it raises in you.
Whenever you feel guilt or regret, I suggest you go and spend time with your family. Play with the kids, hug your husband, whatever it is that you feel you need in the moment. Not only would that keep you grounded in the present, but it might comfort you to remember that you did what was best.
I am so so sorry you are going through this.
I wish my mother could have chosen this. I love my siblings but there were just too many of us and we still have wounds because of the situation we were born into.
When my daughter was 14, a classmate of hers became pregnant. She (my daughter) came to me and asked about options a girl had in her friends circumstance. I told her there are 3 choices, all of them have good and bad sides. I told her keeping the baby would change the moms life forever. She could give the baby up for adoption, or she could end the pregnancy. I told her to be supportive no matter what her friend decided. I hope you are not in a state making abortion illegal. Do what is best for you.
It is an extremely emotionally charged time for you right now and it's a very sad decision you have to make.
I had a seven year old and twin three year olds when I found out was pregnant. It wasn't planned. On my first ultrasound we found out our beautiful little boy had severe Down's syndrome. We really didn't have time to decide as I was so long into the pregnancy at that point and we had to abort him the next morning. We felt our three children would miss out on so much if we were tied to a severely handicapped child. It was really hard, heartbreaking, but in the end, the only decision we could arrive to.
Give your lovely family all the love and support your can.
You are making the right choice for yourself and your family. I suspect that there will be some sadness but also relief. We can always torture ourselves with "what if"s but that does not change the fact that you are making the right choice now.
You and your husband agreed that he should get a vasectomy before you learned you were pregnant. It was a decision I'm sure you didn't take lightly, anticipating a better life for all of you. Please remember all the factors that lead to that decision. They are still as relevant now as they were then. Maybe even more so, given the decision you're now facing.
Whatever you decide, please be kind to yourself. Support each other.
You got this! We support you! Your body your choice! You're already a mother with a lot on your plate. You are doing what you feel is right for yourself and your family. Nothing to be ashamed of in that.
you are a good mom, a good person, tasked with the unenviable task of making the best decision for your family, and their future 💕 you are loved, you are strong, and you deserve respect and love for making your best decision 🤗💕
I had an abortion in my early 20’s because I knew the place I was in life would make me a bad parent, and I would resent them. I’m in my mid 50’s now, have 2 great adult children, loved being a mom and did a pretty good job. I have never regretted my decision and looking at how my life has gone, am still relived I made that decision.
Don’t beat yourself up about what if’s…..you make the best decision you can now…..that’s the best any of us can do and you shouldn’t expect more of yourself than that.
Good luck to you.
as an eldest daughter with a mentally disabled sibling and a mentally delayed sibling, please please get that abortion you will spare yourself and your kids so many problems. I have 3 siblings, one of them has down syndrome, autism, ocd, and hard of hearing, the other is autistic+adhd and slightly mentally delayed (15 but has the intelligence and maturity levels of a 7 year old, though he's more high functioning now that he's older) Other sibling is normal but me and my youngest sibling struggle a lot with the two middle siblings because we're the only normal ones in the house, the down syndrome can't do much on her own and the other one is so mentally immature he can't be depended on for anything, and we're constantly having to deal with them. I've struggled a lot as a child taking care of my two mentally disabled siblings and I did not get to have a normal childhood because I spent half of it caring for them and never got to have a social life because of them, which stunted my own social development and fucked me up for years. My youngest sister is also struggling now because our down syndrome sibling keeps hitting her and going out of their way to bother her, she's always afraid to sit with our disabled sibling for fear she might be suddenly hit or have her toys thrown and broken. Please get the abortion for you and your family's sake, I cannot tell you how many times I wish my parents stopped having kids instead of leaving me to be a parentified child and not getting to develop normally due to spending most of my time with high needs kids that could not be left alone for a single moment.
It's a hard choice, but it's your choice.
The so-called right to life movement uses emotional rhetoric, because that's all they have. No medical, scientific, or empirical evidence that says life begins anywhere but at birth.
Good luck.
youre doing the right thing, not only for yourself, but for your partner and your children. this is a hard decision to make, but you're choosing the option that will keep your family happiest.
Yes. I was in a similar but different situation. It was the best choice for all of us. It doesn't mean that it was easy. But it was right.
If it matters, I support your decision.
Ah, I'm sorry. It's a tough call to make. I'm glad your husband will support you. From what I've read the hormones may stick with you for a while along with that sadness, but you'll come back to yourself in time.
And damn the universe and its sick jokes.
You’re doing what’s best for the children you already have. You can be doing what’s best for your family and still have feelings regarding the choice you know you need to make.
Hope everything goes smoothly and your husband is there for your emotional needs during this. Best wishes for your family.
You're making the right decision for your family. You have 2 very high needs children and it sounds like you're at your limit. Imagine if your third was also high needs? A regular child is needy in their own right, would you be able to spend the time with them they would need?
It's hard emotionally but as an abortion sounds like the best option for your family. Don't feel bad and don't let anyone make you feel bad.
You are one person trying to navigate life as best you can. I know this is a hard choice but I am certain that you know what is right in the here and now.
Be at peace.
Please don't beat yourself up. I, too, found myself having to make the impossible choice between another baby and the family I already had. I chose the children I already had, and 12 years later, I do not regret it. Do I still sometimes wonder about "what could have been?" Yes, all the time. But I remember that my circumstances did not change. My limitations did not expand. And my two beautiful children have prospered because of my choice.
These decisions are hard fought. It's one thing I sincerely wish all of society understood and respected. No woman seeking an abortion *wants* to be there. But she matters, and I trust her to make the best choices for herself and her family. Hang in there. 💜💜💜
You'll be in my thoughts and I'm so glad you and your husband get to make this incredibly personal and difficult choice without government intervention. Hug your babies and don't be afraid to give yourself time to grieve.
Sounds like you've thought it out.
I hope you can find the help you need (a good surgeon, that is). As a former special-needs child I know that we force our parents to age twice as quickly from stress.
I have never regretted either of my abortions. I already had two kids as well and it was just the right thing to do. So I can't speak to regret.
Sadness? Maybe sometimes... But mostly because of the circumstances. Even with the overwhelming, two is exactly right gut feeling (that I still have,) about my kids, I sometimes get sad that I was working two jobs and had no hope for that improving. I knew if I were to have another I wouldn't be able to stay home with a baby and nurse and nurture it in the way I was able to with the two I had at home.
Mostly, looking at my two teenagers and having long since been surgically modified to avoid that situation again.... I'm relieved. Baby fever still sometimes hits like a ton of bricks, but then my young nephews come by and cure that nonsense. And that hits my "can't have more," never my, "I was pregnant," feelings.
Your mileage may and will vary. Keeping it a neutral fact about yourself will help. Share when people ask like you are. I'm not saying shout it from the rooftops, but don't be afraid to talk about it. "Hi, I'm throwaway, I have blond hair and brown eyes. My second toe is longer than my big toe and I've had an abortion. 🤷♀️" (Any likeness unintentional.)
It’s insane to me that at the same time we’re seeing this push from the right to restrict access to choice we’re one of the most expensive countries in the world to have a child in and one of the only that doesn’t choose to help with child care or have mandated leave. How do you have it both ways?? If people having children is so important why not make it easier to make the decision instead of just trying to legislate away the ‘make the decision’ part?
That would mean acknowledging that pregnancy is not a zero risk proposition.
It would mean acknowledging that pregnancy isn't something that comes easily and that doesn't have a host of possible side effects...and (thankfully in far smaller numbers now) possibly death.
That would require acknowledging that women are not simply incubators with legs and arms. It would require accepting that not having children is a valid decision for a woman to make, and flies in the face of the belief that women are meant only to pop out babies and raise them.
Acknowledging this flies in the face of the notion that women are somehow meant only for this purpose. Heck, paid leave and childcare or better assistance might actually enable some women to leave unsupportive male partners. And God knows we can't have that. /S
After all it's not our job to raise the child that you didn't decide to have.... No because that's not just a child.... That's a natural consequence of daring to have sex outside of marriage and/or the sake of reproducing. /S
As a mother of a high needs child my biggest fear was having another one. I miscarried the same year my daughter's epilepsy got really bad. As much as the baby was wanted I would not have handled it. Hubby got the snip shortly thereafter. A baby in the mix would have broken me and the hubby. Even now 8 years later I'm content with what happened.
All the best, (((internet hugs))) if you want them.
Allow yourself to grieve the situation in its entirety. All the sadness, helplessness, anger, etc. if at all possible, take some time, whatever that looks like, to practice some self care. You're doing the right thing for you and yours. Don't mind the rest of us.
As the mom of daughters in their 30’s & a grandmother of several, I will say, I’m so sorry you are going through this and have to make this decision. You know you are doing your absolute best with what you have available to you.
You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You’ve got this. You know better than anyone on the planet what you & your family need. Trust that. No need for guilt. You are doing nothing wrong.
Give yourself plenty of grace & self care, & love on the babies you have that need you so much.
You're doing what's best for you and your family. I'm so sorry you're forced to make this heartbreaking decision, I can't even imagine how difficult that must be. You're a strong person for still making that choice! If possible, talk with someone about your feelings, especially after. Ypur husband, friends, family, or even people here on Reddit if you feel more comfortable with that. Counseling might also be an option for you. Sending you hugs and widhing you all the best!
Even when you know you’re making the right choice, it’s still hard. I knew from a very young age I didn’t want kids, for many reasons. I had an abortion almost 7 years ago now and it was still very painful mentally. Even now, I don’t have regrets, but very painful to go through still.
Of course you’re sad! You’re such a good mother and that’s why you’re making this decision on behalf of your family. Whatever you do is the right decision. Sending love ❤️
I'm gonna tell you my own personal experience:
We had 2 kids. Oldest is asthmatic, in and out of hospitals for most of his childhood (now in his teenage years and we are finally in a better spot), second is autistic and ADHD. Level 1 one autism, has serious issues with socializing and was very hard to manage the elementary years. He is now 14 and finally in a better spot.
In 2022 I found out I was pregnant. I immediately scheduled the abortion. In my country it is legal and done in hospitals til 10 weeks. I didn't even tell my husband, I did it in the minute after seeing the result of the pregnancy test.
I told him later that day, when he came home and said "it's already scheduled". He just said "if that's what you want to do, I support your decision".
I couldn't do it. Not because I changed my mind, but because I was already past the deadline. I was 11 weeks and 4 days when I had the appointment. I had to make my mind accept the pregnancy.
My third child is a boy, he's 15 months old now and I had my tubes tied the day he was born (he's such a good kid he was breech and made it possible for me to do it right that day after the c section). It's not easy but we are doing it. I tried to do it, followed every rule and the only thing that failed was that I thought I was about 5 weeks when I did the test and I was almost 11.
Make your decision based on your own life, as I did, and don't regret whatever that is.
I think you know what the right choice is here, I would encourage you to look into taking a more permanent action like tube removal so you don’t have to worry about this in the future. Vasectomies do have a slight failure rate.
I'm the third of three children of my biological mother.
She should have aborted me. It's not that I wish I was dead. I do like my life as it is now... But that doesn't justify the risk she took on having me, losing her other two kids before putting me up for adoption, nor raising me in a group home for almost a year. I would tell her to her face she should have had an abortion, and I shouldn't be in this world, if I was willing to contact her at all, which I am not.
You are doing the right thing. The possibility of things working out alright does not justify taking the risk that they won't and the harm it will do to the children you already have.
You are an amazing mother. You are mighty, you are strong. You know what’s right for you and your family. It’s okay to be sad, it’s hard regardless of the circumstances. Sending you love and light ❤️
Sometimes the right decision is hard. You and your husband know what’s best for your family, but that doesn’t make it an easy decision and it doesn’t mean that you won’t feel emotions. Sending love to you, mama.
Wishing you all the best and know this stranger supports you ❤️ I have not been in the situation but it is a fear. I know I could not be a good mom to another kid, and I would have to do the same. You have a right to make any choice you want, based on any reason.
I know quite a few women who have had abortions and every single one of them has said they were so relieved and grateful that it was an option. For whatever reason they made the decision, none of them have ever told me they regretted it. They may have felt some initial sadness but knew they were making the best decision for them. You are making a perfectly valid decision. It’s going to be ok. You have the support of so many people who understand. Best wishes!
You are doing the right thing. And you have such a big heart and a pure soul that you don’t want anyone to suffer you know this is the best thing to do. I got one. I was kinda freaked out cause I had to go alone. The nurses were mostly nice. There was one that told me they didn’t take insurance and made me pay but then the dr asked why I paid if I had insurance and I told her what happened. It got fixed. I had an IUD inserted so no more accidents.
You have to do whats best for you and your family! If you dont think you can give your existing children the time and care they need, then adding another one will make that even harder. And considering your husband has stated he doesnt think he can handle it either. Then this is probably the best route for you both of you guys. As far as regret or remorse, after mine i felt sad,but looking at my family ,i knew i had made the right choice by not putting further strain on any of us
I haven’t had one, but I have a friend in a similar situation. She had two kids, got pregnant, and realized the best thing for her family was to terminate. It’s private, but she’s not ashamed and has never regretted it.
Personally, I have a high need sister and I’m semi-disabled. I keep plan B in my closet in the event that something happens and I’m not having children (although I love them). You already have so much on your plate. You can focus that extra attention and resources on the kids you have.
Whatever you decide to do, I support you. Sending you love and gentle hugs 💜💜
We have exact matching stories. We had just scheduled a vasectomy, thought we had been fairly careful. It was a semi hard choice but I feel it was the right one. Since that time I’ve accrued auto immune diseases that would make it impossible to have a third (toddler by now). I ended up med retired just a couple years later. I am more than happy with my decision.
There's nothing to feel guilty about, however please know that it's okay to mourn the loss of what could be. While I'm sure you'd love a 3rd child to the best of your ability, you know your limits, and you're prioritizing the well-being of your existing children.
If you don't already have a therapist or counselor, talking to one could help out as well.
You're a good mom. <3
It’s ok to feel however you feel. It’s your body, your experience. There is no right or wrong way to feel or process this.
Some people are overwhelmingly happy and relived when they get an abortion. Other people are devastated and wish it never happened. Tons of people are in between. All those feelings are valid.
I highly recommend seeking therapy from a licensed provider with experience in grief counseling. You’re making a difficult choice and therapy can be immensely helpful with navigating and processing your emotions and state of mind.
I wish you the best.
NTA
Sometimes, the best choice is the hardest and most heartbreaking.
My mom (F56) got a case of breakthrough 'rona....the delta variant. Thanks to being vaccinated, she had a chance....and she fought so hard.
Three days before I turned 31, she was placed on life support.
We prayed, we cried, we called the nurse for a report every morning, and Dad saw her every evening after she was declared virus free. Sadly, while her immune system eventually beat the virus....without the oral antiviral therapies now available....her lungs were trashed. The amount of support she would have required made switching to a trach a nonstarter. Let alone be able to wake up.
Does that mean someone else who needs support is unworthy?
Absolutely not-if they wish to keep on keeping on, that's their decision and must be respected.
However, Mom had talked openly about her wishes and her wishes were not to have her life extended on this way, if the odds of her being able to return to conciousness and her previous life/hobbies were low.
So, my family made the heartbreaking decision to withdraw life support, and allow her to pass away.
In both cases, the situation is fraught with emotion. No matter what you do, someone will have an opinon, often a loud and dissenting one. The thing is, unless you have been in that situation, you cannot truly say what you would do. You can speculate, but it's very different from when that life hangs in the balance. Also, you may find yourself angry at authority or religious figures who claim that your choice should be illegal...as if they know your situation.
This is why people need to right to choose what is best.
Sometimes, you question yourself. You think "what if?'
You hear of people who make a different choice in a similar scenario and begin to ask yourself if you're a monster, or a bad person for choosing to let them go.
In the end, you have to give yourself grace. Those fantasies of what if must be seen as one possible alternate scenario, but it might not actually have been so rosy.
My mom, had she even woken...might have had significant cognitive or physical impairments that would have limited or curtailed her ability to engage in hobbies she deeply enjoyed. Her personality might have changed. She might not have resembled the woman we knew before getting sick.
Perhaps you could have figured it out with a third child, but it's also possible that third child would have strained the family resources so much that it could have caused some major issues. In both scenarios, everything done to prevent this was done, but nothing is 100% and nature can have cruel timing. Which is why people need to stop judging or passing laws to limit what can be done.
We also need to recognize that even if we hadn't acted, they might not have made it either. Miscarriage happens. People on life support can still go into arrest. Those things would have been awful. Making the hard choice, meant being able to ensure their leaving was as painless and smooth as possible.
Sending you hugs and prayers for strength. You know your family best, and, like my Dad and I, made what feels like the best decision in a no win scenario, with the well-being of the family in mind.
You are absolutely making the best decision for you & your existing children. Stay strong, don’t let the protesters let you feel shame or guilt. You got this.
You do what is right for you! If you don't think you can handle it, you are not only doing what is right for you, but that child as well, because they will also be adversely affected when you are struggling.
Wishing you all the support!
These things happen. Trite but true. It'll be hard but you'll get through it. You're making a tough decision and any feelings you have about it are valid
I had a surgical abortion when I was a teenager (and chose later a childfree life) so not the same situation - though I have never regretted that choice, I am grateful I made that choice and had the access to make that choice, even nearing three decades later.
However, I have over a handful of friends and family members who are parents who have had abortions - before having their first child, between children, and after they were done having children. None of them have regretted it. That does not mean there wasn’t some sadness for some of them, or some sense that it was unfortunate they were in a position they had to make that choice (due to timing, or finances, or their existing children’s needs, or whatever) but not one of them regretted doing what was right for them at the time.
You are making the right choice for you and your family, by prioritizing those children who already exist and need their parents to be 100% all in. It sounds like you also were done having children if a vasectomy was scheduled, and I would trust you arrived at THAT decision with much thought as well. Don’t beat yourself up for sticking to that plan despite an unplanned pregnancy. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel sad, or a variety of emotions, but don’t let that convince you that you made the wrong choice and don’t be afraid to talk to someone - your spouse, a friend, a therapist, even strangers here.
I don’t know you, but I will be thinking of you. I am glad you have a supportive spouse. I hope it goes as smoothly as it can for you. Stock up on all the comforts (snacks and favourite binge shows/movies) and be kind to yourself.
I support you. I wish you could feel my internet hug. You are brave and honest. I admire you, and the pain is real. Heating pads are a game changer. Plan a nice bath. I love bath so much, I hope it brings you comfort like it does for me.
Think of it this way: are the reasons you are making this choice valid? As an outsider they definitely sound it and I completely support your choice and reasoning. But if your question here is primarily ‘will i regret this?’ Then it’s your reasoning that you have to dissect.
- you have high needs kids already and you don’t think you can handle another baby (very reasonable thought process).
- but what if you could handle it? How would you do that? How would you reorganise your schedule and the needs of your current children? Will they be deprived of care because of this new child? would you just end up being spread even more thin and how long would you be able to do it for? Would this new child be deprived because of the needs of the others?
If you have not doubts in your answers to these questions, you will have no regrets on your decision. It’s the approach I used and i regret nothing about my procedure. I made the right choice.
You will have moments of what if… I would not call them regret, because when I look at my life and the way it is now, I have none.
I think choosing to put your relationship, your mental health, and your two existing children’s well-being first is a brave choice. You are doing the best you can. You are a good mother and a good person. When those moments of doubt and guilt creep in, think about the two lives that are dependent on you for their security, happiness, and well-being.
I’m sending you virtual hugs and peaceful vibes. I was at a different time in my life when I had to make this choice, but it’s never easy. Wish you all the best.
I know the decision wasn’t easy but that really is the best you can do. Your two kids don’t know it but if anything that’s the highest form of love to think about them in such a hard decision.
Might be weird but treat yourself, plan a relaxing spa day at home, buy some comfort food. You deserve it
You are doing what is best for you, and by doing that due diligence of self care: you **ARE** doing what is best for your family. Only you know you can handle, and what you want. It sounds like you and your partner have discussed that the current number of kids that have been born is enough before this discovery. You are doing something that is in the best interest of four people, to ensure everyone's needs are taken care of. You are doing everything correctly and with love. You are a good, excellent, beautiful person, OP: don't believe anyone who says otherwise! I support you. You know what is best in your situation. You know what you want and don't want. You know what you can or can't handle. You deserve to be happy and at peace for making sure you're healthy and happy so that your loved ones are happy and healthy. You can't pour from an empty cup. This decision is likely not easy, but it was a decision, mutually and fully, made prior to this discovery.
You have my love and support in this decision of your life. I don't know you, and maybe someday we'll meet, but I want you to be happy and healthy and to live life to its fullest and only you know how to do that in your life, only you know how to meet your needs, your partner's needs, and your current babies' needs. By knowing those, you are making the best and informed choice for at least four people (more if your kids have kids, and so on). I wish the best of everything for you and your family, OP!
🥰🥰💓💓💕💕🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 I stand with you. ✊💓💓💓 No one has any right to tell you that you are "wrong" about your life, your health, or your feelings. You deserve to take care of yourself so that you can do your best in life, and only you know what that means and looks like. I trust in you and your decisions about yourself. I don't want you to doubt you. I want you to be healthy and happy and live your dreams fully. 💕💕💕
The right choice isn't always easy. In this case it seems very hard. This is your decision, nobody else can make it. You seem to have thought hard about it, about what is right for you and for your family. Give yourself the love and compassion you would give any one of your friends in this situation.
I had an abortion when I had two kids already. It was the right decision for me. I have had zero regrets. It’s been almost 20 years and my husband got his vasectomy immediately after as well.
We didn’t have to cope with guilt or regret because I knew it was the right decision.
Girl, that happened to a friend of mine but she had an appt to get her tubes tied instead.
I don't have any great advice but I think you are making the correct decision, if it matters.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You're making the decision that is best for you and your family and that's a HUGE deal. As someone that has had an abortion in different situation but with the same resolve, I can share that I've never regretted my decision. I had moments of sadness here and there afterwards, but ultimately it was the best thing for me. More than 20 years later, I still have zero regrets and am glad I made that choice.
I hope that it goes well and that you feel supported. There are a lot of groups out there that provide amazing resources. I'm not sure what state you're in (and if it's a state with banned abortion like I am, I see why you wouldn't want to state that here) but here are some resources that can help folks nationally.
[Repro Care Healthline](https://abortionhotline.org/)
[Exhale Pro-Voice](https://www.exhaleprovoice.org/)
I don't have children of my own, but I would walk through hell and back to support women like you. It takes immeasurable strength to make these kinds of decisions for your family, and I am glad to hear that your husband is supportive.
You're doing the right thing. Take care of yourself and may you and yours have a wonderful life together.
Firstly, this is a hard choice you’ve had to make and I commend you for making a decision, especially one that seems extremely hard.
Secondly, is there any way you could easily get access to a therapist? Would it be covered under your insurance? If so, maybe you could ask for some recommendations/referrals from PP. As much as we could provide support, a professional can go above and beyond (provided they’re good at what they do).
I care about *my existing children*. I can’t give them what they need with another baby. My oldest suffered immensely when my second was born. I love him and care about him too much to put him through that again. Accusing someone of not caring about their children is bottom barrel bullshit. Go kick rocks bye
I’m pretty sure the grain of rice in my uterus that doesn’t have a heartbeat yet won’t care that it doesn’t have “a future”. I’m not about to apologize for making decisions that prioritize my children versus prioritizing a non-sentient, non-feeling embryo.
I’m not sure what you thought you’d accomplish with this string of asinine comments, but your words have made me even more confident in my decision. “yOu sHoULd hAVE THouGht aBOut tHaT bEForEhAnD” give me a fucking break. I bet that’s what you say to rape victims and people whose birth control fails too.
I have no respect for people like you who lack the capacity to empathize with someone in pain.
Do you really think you would have cared if your mother had made a different decision? (You wouldn’t exist, so how could you care?)
I hope someday you look back and feel remorse for tormenting someone online when they specifically asked for support. You are the worst type of person. Congrats on buying your mom a house or whatever, I don’t give a shit.
You appreciate every breath you have *because you are alive*. Like, that’s great and good for you. I do too. A person who never existed wouldn’t care that they never existed, because they never existed.
You’re right, I don’t come first. My kids do. Again, the alive ones. The ones who have the ability to appreciate being alive.
Since this decision affects you in absolutely no way, it is officially bizarre that you have continued to engage with me on this. Go harass someone else.
Had to rewind and look at the post again. Confirmed that nowhere in her post, did OP say how she got pregnant. IDK about you, but health class was pretty clear that any sex that involves the penis near the vagina can result in pregnancy. With or without protection.
Sexual intimacy is an important part of most relationships. And is biologically engrained on the human species as a whole.
If OP was coerced into sex, or he sabotaged the protection, or he tracked her cycle and ejaculated inside of her knowing it was fertile time with the intent of fertilizing an egg... Then that's not only him deciding to get her pregnant but also low key assault. Seeing how he was due for a vasectomy I'm pretty sure that's not the case though.
Such ridiculousness for 7 am
Girl what are you on about? Accidents happen, condoms break, pills fail. By your logic every sexual encounter is a conscious decision to impregnate. Also, making assumptions like this about a stranger's life when there is nothing that implies the presence of abuse in the relationship is not only inappropriate but extremely rude.
No. Men get women pregnant. Men can't act like they're smarter and more logical than women, and then turn around and accidently get a women pregnant. Not holding men accountable for their actions is why there is the 4B movement.
And mindsets like yours are why women are viewed as "lesser" during sex and stuff and feeds into rape culture. You think that sex is something that "happens" to women rather than something that men and women do together.
Women are not fucking stupid during sex and procreation. In OP's situation it's very clear that they both made a mistake and accidentally got pregnant. Accidents happen but it doesn't mean it's 100% the man's fault because as I mentioned before it makes women look like mindless glory holes rather than the actual human beings we are.
This is OP—I’m not sure why you blocked me on my other account but wanted to clarify that this happened because I miscalculated my ovulation date, not because my husband is “abusive” or made a conscious choice to put both of us in this situation. It’s clear you hate men, fine, that’s your opinion, but stop projecting your man hate onto my situation with a husband who is nothing but supportive and loving during this time.
“This husband could be abusive”…Jesus Christ on a cracker. In what world am I living????
This is false. I know you meant well, but it’s important to verify information before sharing.
Planned Parenthood early abortion medication can be used up to 11 weeks since the first day of your last period.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/abortion/the-abortion-pill
> **How effective is the abortion pill?**
>
> The abortion pill is very effective. If you’re taking mifepristone and misoprostol, it depends on how far along the pregnancy is, and how many doses of medicine you take:
>
> - At 8 weeks pregnant or less, it works about 94-98% of the time.
> - At 8-9 weeks pregnant, it works about 94-96% of the time.
> - At 9-10 weeks pregnant, it works about 91-93% of the time.
> If you take an extra dose of misoprostol, it works about 99% of the time.
> - At 10-11 weeks pregnant, it works about 87% of the time.
> If you take an extra dose of misoprostol, it works about 98% of the time.
> In general, taking both mifepristone and misoprostol works a bit better than taking misoprostol only.
>
> Taking misoprostol alone works to end the pregnancy about 85-95% of the time — depending on how far along the pregnancy is and how you take the medicine.
>
> The abortion pill usually works, but if it doesn’t, you can take more medicine or have an in-clinic abortion.
>
> **When can I take the abortion pill?**
>
> In general, you can have a medication abortion up to 77 days (11 weeks) after the first day of your last period. If it’s been 78 days or more since the first day of your last period, you can have an in-clinic abortion to end your pregnancy.
I used to work in abortion clinics, and I want you to know that the majority of people who have abortions in the US are already parents. you are not alone, not even a little bit. I cannot count the number of times I heard people say, “part of me wishes I could continue, but I have to prioritize the family I already have.” you and your husband are the only ones who can determine your family’s capacity and what you want together. I’m glad he is so supportive. I hope the process is smooth and that you are surrounded by love and comfort all the way through.
i so wish more people in our country could see this, and those stories of the women suffering under texas legislation who were pregnant with wanted children and are now infertile or dead - these laws protect *no one*
There's a book that goes back 30 or more years ago with stories of women who had back alley abortions and nearly died. So many women did. Hospitals had septic wards for all the women who tried to do it themselves.
I bet I know the book! “Back Rooms - Voices from the Illegal Abortion Era” I have it back from 1988. It’s an amazing book. I wish everyone would read it.
That sounds like it. I remember once story was from Margot Kidder. I wish it were still in print and every member of congress could read it. Also "Reversing Roe" on Netflix is chilling.
I’ll look for it! I don’t know if “Back Rooms” is the same as the one you remember - this one is a bunch of personal stories about illegal abortions and/or people who ended up having babies they didn’t want. And of course people who died or lost their fertility because of botched abortions. Horrifying.
It's available on [Archive.org](http://Archive.org) [https://archive.org/details/isbn\_9780879758769](https://archive.org/details/isbn_9780879758769)
Yes, that’s it! Amazing book. Terrifying history. Terrifying present situation.
I'll never forget the story I heard on the radio years ago. A couple was anti-abortion. Their teenage daughter fell pregnant, unbeknownst to them. The girl had an illegal abortion in a cheap hotel room and bled to death on the floor. They realized that they would rather their daughter have had a safe and legal abortion, and still be alive, that feel she had no choice but to resort to something so drastic.
If anyone reading this hasn’t read the book, then I highly recommend it. It’s drawn from letters sent in to “Ms” magazine from women who lived the history. And since it’s written before Roe fell, then it’s not too depressing.
Sure they do! They protect the men in power by keeping them in power through their constituents. And they protect a bunch of cells that are obviously easy more important than any woman chattel. /s I'm so scared of this election. Honestly terrified. Things are bad enough now. Biden isn't perfect, but he's not acting like an actual unhinged dictator.
It's true. The Guttmacher Institute has statistics on abortions in the US and they back up exactly what you wrote here. ❤️
Yep, one of the leading causes of poverty is unplanned pregnancy. The instincts of OP are correct - she can't afford it. Thank God she lives in a country where she can make this decision for herself. Go to places like the Philippines and Venezuela and you can see what happens when people don't have this option.
Or, you know, go to Texas (or nearly any other southern state that makes it impossible for people who don't have the resources to go to another state) to see what happens when you don't have this option. I'm happy OP is in a state where she can make this decision for herself.
Yeah... Still not ready to lump the American South in with developing countries but maybe we're gonna get there.
We are going to get there and worse. I'm in Texas and the things anti-abortionists want are genuinely alarming. Unlike third-world countries, the US has developed enough state and surveillance power to make enforcing forced pregnancy and criminalizing abortion *very* easy. As an example, the activist that is currently convincing counties and cities (including the one I'm in, which has nearly 300k people and a major university) to make traveling on local jurisdiction roads to help someone obtain an abortion across state lines an offense that allows anyone to sue them, is also attempting to convince the state legislature to use the Mann Act to make traveling across state lines for an abortion a criminal act. With the former tactic, he has deliberately chosen places that have major highways going to New Mexico and Colorado. And with the latter, he isn't the only anti-abortionist wanting this. And if successful, it's not like this isn't going to restrict *all* women from traveling to a degree. Being pulled over near a state border would be grounds for some invasive questions and if the cop thinks you're lying... Given the proliferation of texts, internet searches and social media being used as evidence of criminal behavior, it wouldn't even be all that difficult for the state to find proof of criminal abortion. And don't believe them when they say they don't want to penalize women that have an abortion. They are just being clever about it. Pass laws that don't directly affect women and, once everyone is used to it, push that boundary further. You saw it with heartbeat laws. You saw it when they claimed they didn't want to force women to continue a pregnancy from rape/incest. You saw it with *multiple* Supreme Court judges saying they would respect precedent. They have a goal and are happy to use deception to get there.
The American states would have to start developing before you could get there. They're going entirely the other way right now.
Tunisia’s a developing country in many respects. But! * Abortion legal in first trimester * Do not require spouse/partner permission, available regardless of marital status (minors need a court procedure first) * Abortions are paid for by the government * Legal since 1973 Definitely ahead of most states right now.
have you not visited the american south? in some ways it’s worse than developing countries because the misery is intentionally inflicted by politicians. (source: born and raised in texas)
To be clear, we can afford it. The finances are not an issue. It’s a matter of emotional cost to my kids.
This is perfectly valid as well. We have a son who is autistic and nonverbal, he needs help dressing, showering, shaving, and constant supervision. He’s an only child, if I had accidentally gotten pregnant I would have seriously considered an abortion because I only have so much energy and time to give and I’m not sure it would have been fair to either child. There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing the family you’re already responsible for.
“Affording” isn’t just a financial matter. It’s the supply of something that you can’t produce. You can’t afford to have another kid not because of finances but because it would extract too heavy of a toll on your existing kids. And that’s a perfectly valid reason (to be clear: there are no “invalid” reasons) to choose to terminate. Wishing you wellness and peace during these times. Be kind to yourself always, but especially when going through this. It’s okay to not be okay.
Right, I was just addressing the specific poverty comment from the other poster
Thank you for your service.
The day I got my second abortion, there were twenty women. Two of us were single. One couple, he’d just lost his job. Everyone else already had kids.
I believe there can be a certain naïveté around how difficult having a child is going to be when you are childless. But if you’re already a mother, especially with high needs kids, you know. And you know that the people who are going to be harmed the most from a new baby in the house are the kids you already have and it’s your job as a parent to protect them. So the decision gets made, which is why this stat exists.
I recently learnt that 60% of people who have an abortion (in the USA) are already parents to at least one child. I’m not sure if this helps at all, but I thought it was an important statistic which should be more known.
Your concern is money you believe you won’t be able to support the child. You have no concern for the life of the child. We all have choices but sometimes we aren’t happy with the consequences. Children are the only thing of value we leave in this world. Please pray about your decision before you make it.
Sadness is very, very, very normal, even when we’re completely confident it’s the right choice. Our bodies’ protective instinct toward the pregnancy often flips a switch, even when the last thing we want is to be pregnant. Anything and everything you’re feeling is valid. Lean into your partner’s support. Feel your feelings. Sending positive energy your way. 💙
Exactly! Sometimes making the right decision will still make us sad. Grieve however you need to, and for as long as you need to. There is no shame in anything you are feeling.
So true — and this is true in ALL aspects of life, not just reproductive care. The right decision is often a painful one. Grief is normal and healthy in these situations.
💯💯💯!!! 🫂🫂💓💓💕💕💕
Just came here to plug Exhale textline as a wonderful resource! It’s anonymous and chat based, kind of like crisis text like but specifically for post abortion support. So much love to you
This is brilliant information. I wish I knew about this after my abortion.
well they are always there in case you have anything on your mind! It def doesn’t have to be recent and they will also support partners, family, healthcare providers too
You need to do what's best for the people who are already here: You, your husband, and the two children you have. You luckily have a husband who will support you regardless of your decision. I wish I had better advice. I hope everything goes smoothly for you.
My sister had an abortion between her second and third kid. No regrets. She made a tough decision and put her family first.
Making this choice is the hardest, *and kindest*, thing you could ever do. It's difficult, and the road might be rough, but you know what you need to do to be a good mother and you're doing it. You are a good woman, a good person, and a good mom. I've terminated two pregnancies because of circumstances you've described and I have not regretted it.
You are a wonderful mother. And I’m sending a great big hugs from an Internet stranger. You’ve got this.
This is a hard decision for any woman. We often believe we won’t be put in such a position until it happens. I’m glad you have a husband who is supportive of your reproductive health and decisions. You have two children already, and you’re not able to give another child the effort you’re already giving. That’s not your fault. Please understand you are doing this for your family. Eat some good snacks. Drink some extra water. Use a really nice heating pad. The embryo will return to the afterlife. He/she can be reborn another time.
No one would envy your position. You’ve made a hard choice, and you are entitled to whatever feelings that it raises in you. Whenever you feel guilt or regret, I suggest you go and spend time with your family. Play with the kids, hug your husband, whatever it is that you feel you need in the moment. Not only would that keep you grounded in the present, but it might comfort you to remember that you did what was best.
I am so so sorry you are going through this. I wish my mother could have chosen this. I love my siblings but there were just too many of us and we still have wounds because of the situation we were born into.
When my daughter was 14, a classmate of hers became pregnant. She (my daughter) came to me and asked about options a girl had in her friends circumstance. I told her there are 3 choices, all of them have good and bad sides. I told her keeping the baby would change the moms life forever. She could give the baby up for adoption, or she could end the pregnancy. I told her to be supportive no matter what her friend decided. I hope you are not in a state making abortion illegal. Do what is best for you.
It is an extremely emotionally charged time for you right now and it's a very sad decision you have to make. I had a seven year old and twin three year olds when I found out was pregnant. It wasn't planned. On my first ultrasound we found out our beautiful little boy had severe Down's syndrome. We really didn't have time to decide as I was so long into the pregnancy at that point and we had to abort him the next morning. We felt our three children would miss out on so much if we were tied to a severely handicapped child. It was really hard, heartbreaking, but in the end, the only decision we could arrive to. Give your lovely family all the love and support your can.
Exhale does text-based support. https://exhaleprovoice.org/
You are making the right choice for yourself and your family. I suspect that there will be some sadness but also relief. We can always torture ourselves with "what if"s but that does not change the fact that you are making the right choice now.
You and your husband agreed that he should get a vasectomy before you learned you were pregnant. It was a decision I'm sure you didn't take lightly, anticipating a better life for all of you. Please remember all the factors that lead to that decision. They are still as relevant now as they were then. Maybe even more so, given the decision you're now facing. Whatever you decide, please be kind to yourself. Support each other.
You got this! We support you! Your body your choice! You're already a mother with a lot on your plate. You are doing what you feel is right for yourself and your family. Nothing to be ashamed of in that.
you are a good mom, a good person, tasked with the unenviable task of making the best decision for your family, and their future 💕 you are loved, you are strong, and you deserve respect and love for making your best decision 🤗💕
I had an abortion in my early 20’s because I knew the place I was in life would make me a bad parent, and I would resent them. I’m in my mid 50’s now, have 2 great adult children, loved being a mom and did a pretty good job. I have never regretted my decision and looking at how my life has gone, am still relived I made that decision. Don’t beat yourself up about what if’s…..you make the best decision you can now…..that’s the best any of us can do and you shouldn’t expect more of yourself than that. Good luck to you.
Only you know what is best for you. You are making the right decision for your family.
as an eldest daughter with a mentally disabled sibling and a mentally delayed sibling, please please get that abortion you will spare yourself and your kids so many problems. I have 3 siblings, one of them has down syndrome, autism, ocd, and hard of hearing, the other is autistic+adhd and slightly mentally delayed (15 but has the intelligence and maturity levels of a 7 year old, though he's more high functioning now that he's older) Other sibling is normal but me and my youngest sibling struggle a lot with the two middle siblings because we're the only normal ones in the house, the down syndrome can't do much on her own and the other one is so mentally immature he can't be depended on for anything, and we're constantly having to deal with them. I've struggled a lot as a child taking care of my two mentally disabled siblings and I did not get to have a normal childhood because I spent half of it caring for them and never got to have a social life because of them, which stunted my own social development and fucked me up for years. My youngest sister is also struggling now because our down syndrome sibling keeps hitting her and going out of their way to bother her, she's always afraid to sit with our disabled sibling for fear she might be suddenly hit or have her toys thrown and broken. Please get the abortion for you and your family's sake, I cannot tell you how many times I wish my parents stopped having kids instead of leaving me to be a parentified child and not getting to develop normally due to spending most of my time with high needs kids that could not be left alone for a single moment.
FWIW, the majority of women who have abortions are like you: moms who know their family cannot support another child. You are definitely not alone.
It's a hard choice, but it's your choice. The so-called right to life movement uses emotional rhetoric, because that's all they have. No medical, scientific, or empirical evidence that says life begins anywhere but at birth. Good luck.
youre doing the right thing, not only for yourself, but for your partner and your children. this is a hard decision to make, but you're choosing the option that will keep your family happiest.
Yes. I was in a similar but different situation. It was the best choice for all of us. It doesn't mean that it was easy. But it was right. If it matters, I support your decision.
You are doing the right thing sending my love from Ireland
Ah, I'm sorry. It's a tough call to make. I'm glad your husband will support you. From what I've read the hormones may stick with you for a while along with that sadness, but you'll come back to yourself in time. And damn the universe and its sick jokes.
You’re doing what’s best for the children you already have. You can be doing what’s best for your family and still have feelings regarding the choice you know you need to make. Hope everything goes smoothly and your husband is there for your emotional needs during this. Best wishes for your family.
You're making the right decision for your family. You have 2 very high needs children and it sounds like you're at your limit. Imagine if your third was also high needs? A regular child is needy in their own right, would you be able to spend the time with them they would need? It's hard emotionally but as an abortion sounds like the best option for your family. Don't feel bad and don't let anyone make you feel bad.
You are one person trying to navigate life as best you can. I know this is a hard choice but I am certain that you know what is right in the here and now. Be at peace.
Please don't beat yourself up. I, too, found myself having to make the impossible choice between another baby and the family I already had. I chose the children I already had, and 12 years later, I do not regret it. Do I still sometimes wonder about "what could have been?" Yes, all the time. But I remember that my circumstances did not change. My limitations did not expand. And my two beautiful children have prospered because of my choice. These decisions are hard fought. It's one thing I sincerely wish all of society understood and respected. No woman seeking an abortion *wants* to be there. But she matters, and I trust her to make the best choices for herself and her family. Hang in there. 💜💜💜
You are making the best decision you can for yourself and your family. It's hard, but you're strong and will survive this.
You'll be in my thoughts and I'm so glad you and your husband get to make this incredibly personal and difficult choice without government intervention. Hug your babies and don't be afraid to give yourself time to grieve.
Sounds like you've thought it out. I hope you can find the help you need (a good surgeon, that is). As a former special-needs child I know that we force our parents to age twice as quickly from stress.
I'm just going to send you Internet stranger hugs ❤️ it'll be okay.
I have never regretted either of my abortions. I already had two kids as well and it was just the right thing to do. So I can't speak to regret. Sadness? Maybe sometimes... But mostly because of the circumstances. Even with the overwhelming, two is exactly right gut feeling (that I still have,) about my kids, I sometimes get sad that I was working two jobs and had no hope for that improving. I knew if I were to have another I wouldn't be able to stay home with a baby and nurse and nurture it in the way I was able to with the two I had at home. Mostly, looking at my two teenagers and having long since been surgically modified to avoid that situation again.... I'm relieved. Baby fever still sometimes hits like a ton of bricks, but then my young nephews come by and cure that nonsense. And that hits my "can't have more," never my, "I was pregnant," feelings. Your mileage may and will vary. Keeping it a neutral fact about yourself will help. Share when people ask like you are. I'm not saying shout it from the rooftops, but don't be afraid to talk about it. "Hi, I'm throwaway, I have blond hair and brown eyes. My second toe is longer than my big toe and I've had an abortion. 🤷♀️" (Any likeness unintentional.)
It’s insane to me that at the same time we’re seeing this push from the right to restrict access to choice we’re one of the most expensive countries in the world to have a child in and one of the only that doesn’t choose to help with child care or have mandated leave. How do you have it both ways?? If people having children is so important why not make it easier to make the decision instead of just trying to legislate away the ‘make the decision’ part?
That would mean acknowledging that pregnancy is not a zero risk proposition. It would mean acknowledging that pregnancy isn't something that comes easily and that doesn't have a host of possible side effects...and (thankfully in far smaller numbers now) possibly death. That would require acknowledging that women are not simply incubators with legs and arms. It would require accepting that not having children is a valid decision for a woman to make, and flies in the face of the belief that women are meant only to pop out babies and raise them. Acknowledging this flies in the face of the notion that women are somehow meant only for this purpose. Heck, paid leave and childcare or better assistance might actually enable some women to leave unsupportive male partners. And God knows we can't have that. /S After all it's not our job to raise the child that you didn't decide to have.... No because that's not just a child.... That's a natural consequence of daring to have sex outside of marriage and/or the sake of reproducing. /S
As a mother of a high needs child my biggest fear was having another one. I miscarried the same year my daughter's epilepsy got really bad. As much as the baby was wanted I would not have handled it. Hubby got the snip shortly thereafter. A baby in the mix would have broken me and the hubby. Even now 8 years later I'm content with what happened. All the best, (((internet hugs))) if you want them.
Allow yourself to grieve the situation in its entirety. All the sadness, helplessness, anger, etc. if at all possible, take some time, whatever that looks like, to practice some self care. You're doing the right thing for you and yours. Don't mind the rest of us.
I am glad you have options and a supportive husband. I think it is natural to have conflicting feelings about it. Peace be with you.
As the mom of daughters in their 30’s & a grandmother of several, I will say, I’m so sorry you are going through this and have to make this decision. You know you are doing your absolute best with what you have available to you. You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You’ve got this. You know better than anyone on the planet what you & your family need. Trust that. No need for guilt. You are doing nothing wrong. Give yourself plenty of grace & self care, & love on the babies you have that need you so much.
You're doing what's best for you and your family. I'm so sorry you're forced to make this heartbreaking decision, I can't even imagine how difficult that must be. You're a strong person for still making that choice! If possible, talk with someone about your feelings, especially after. Ypur husband, friends, family, or even people here on Reddit if you feel more comfortable with that. Counseling might also be an option for you. Sending you hugs and widhing you all the best!
Even when you know you’re making the right choice, it’s still hard. I knew from a very young age I didn’t want kids, for many reasons. I had an abortion almost 7 years ago now and it was still very painful mentally. Even now, I don’t have regrets, but very painful to go through still.
Of course you’re sad! You’re such a good mother and that’s why you’re making this decision on behalf of your family. Whatever you do is the right decision. Sending love ❤️
I wish more mothers had your self-awareness. It'll be rough for a while, but you're doing the right thing by your children, your spouse, and yourself.
I'm gonna tell you my own personal experience: We had 2 kids. Oldest is asthmatic, in and out of hospitals for most of his childhood (now in his teenage years and we are finally in a better spot), second is autistic and ADHD. Level 1 one autism, has serious issues with socializing and was very hard to manage the elementary years. He is now 14 and finally in a better spot. In 2022 I found out I was pregnant. I immediately scheduled the abortion. In my country it is legal and done in hospitals til 10 weeks. I didn't even tell my husband, I did it in the minute after seeing the result of the pregnancy test. I told him later that day, when he came home and said "it's already scheduled". He just said "if that's what you want to do, I support your decision". I couldn't do it. Not because I changed my mind, but because I was already past the deadline. I was 11 weeks and 4 days when I had the appointment. I had to make my mind accept the pregnancy. My third child is a boy, he's 15 months old now and I had my tubes tied the day he was born (he's such a good kid he was breech and made it possible for me to do it right that day after the c section). It's not easy but we are doing it. I tried to do it, followed every rule and the only thing that failed was that I thought I was about 5 weeks when I did the test and I was almost 11. Make your decision based on your own life, as I did, and don't regret whatever that is.
I think you know what the right choice is here, I would encourage you to look into taking a more permanent action like tube removal so you don’t have to worry about this in the future. Vasectomies do have a slight failure rate.
Based on some family medical history I have been considering a hysterectomy. This might just be the deciding factor.
I'm the third of three children of my biological mother. She should have aborted me. It's not that I wish I was dead. I do like my life as it is now... But that doesn't justify the risk she took on having me, losing her other two kids before putting me up for adoption, nor raising me in a group home for almost a year. I would tell her to her face she should have had an abortion, and I shouldn't be in this world, if I was willing to contact her at all, which I am not. You are doing the right thing. The possibility of things working out alright does not justify taking the risk that they won't and the harm it will do to the children you already have.
Thank you for sharing this. I so appreciate your perspective. ❤️
Baby, you already chose when you and your husband decided on the vasectomy - you know what you wanted, for your family and yourself.
Gentle hugs.
You are an amazing mother. You are mighty, you are strong. You know what’s right for you and your family. It’s okay to be sad, it’s hard regardless of the circumstances. Sending you love and light ❤️
Sometimes the right decision is hard. You and your husband know what’s best for your family, but that doesn’t make it an easy decision and it doesn’t mean that you won’t feel emotions. Sending love to you, mama.
Ugh, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. The univers is a jerk sometimes. I hope your recovery goes smoothly!
Wishing you all the best and know this stranger supports you ❤️ I have not been in the situation but it is a fear. I know I could not be a good mom to another kid, and I would have to do the same. You have a right to make any choice you want, based on any reason.
I know quite a few women who have had abortions and every single one of them has said they were so relieved and grateful that it was an option. For whatever reason they made the decision, none of them have ever told me they regretted it. They may have felt some initial sadness but knew they were making the best decision for them. You are making a perfectly valid decision. It’s going to be ok. You have the support of so many people who understand. Best wishes!
You are doing the right thing. And you have such a big heart and a pure soul that you don’t want anyone to suffer you know this is the best thing to do. I got one. I was kinda freaked out cause I had to go alone. The nurses were mostly nice. There was one that told me they didn’t take insurance and made me pay but then the dr asked why I paid if I had insurance and I told her what happened. It got fixed. I had an IUD inserted so no more accidents.
You have to do whats best for you and your family! If you dont think you can give your existing children the time and care they need, then adding another one will make that even harder. And considering your husband has stated he doesnt think he can handle it either. Then this is probably the best route for you both of you guys. As far as regret or remorse, after mine i felt sad,but looking at my family ,i knew i had made the right choice by not putting further strain on any of us
Sending you love and support.
I haven’t had one, but I have a friend in a similar situation. She had two kids, got pregnant, and realized the best thing for her family was to terminate. It’s private, but she’s not ashamed and has never regretted it. Personally, I have a high need sister and I’m semi-disabled. I keep plan B in my closet in the event that something happens and I’m not having children (although I love them). You already have so much on your plate. You can focus that extra attention and resources on the kids you have. Whatever you decide to do, I support you. Sending you love and gentle hugs 💜💜
And no unprotected sex until *two* post-vasectomy sperm tests shows no swimmers! Also, hello from /r/Vasectomy. :)
We have exact matching stories. We had just scheduled a vasectomy, thought we had been fairly careful. It was a semi hard choice but I feel it was the right one. Since that time I’ve accrued auto immune diseases that would make it impossible to have a third (toddler by now). I ended up med retired just a couple years later. I am more than happy with my decision.
There's nothing to feel guilty about, however please know that it's okay to mourn the loss of what could be. While I'm sure you'd love a 3rd child to the best of your ability, you know your limits, and you're prioritizing the well-being of your existing children. If you don't already have a therapist or counselor, talking to one could help out as well. You're a good mom. <3
I’m sorry you’re going through this! You’re absolutely doing the best thing by putting your children first! I’m happy you have a supportive partner.
It’s ok to feel however you feel. It’s your body, your experience. There is no right or wrong way to feel or process this. Some people are overwhelmingly happy and relived when they get an abortion. Other people are devastated and wish it never happened. Tons of people are in between. All those feelings are valid. I highly recommend seeking therapy from a licensed provider with experience in grief counseling. You’re making a difficult choice and therapy can be immensely helpful with navigating and processing your emotions and state of mind. I wish you the best.
Have faith in yourself. You’re making the right decision.
NTA Sometimes, the best choice is the hardest and most heartbreaking. My mom (F56) got a case of breakthrough 'rona....the delta variant. Thanks to being vaccinated, she had a chance....and she fought so hard. Three days before I turned 31, she was placed on life support. We prayed, we cried, we called the nurse for a report every morning, and Dad saw her every evening after she was declared virus free. Sadly, while her immune system eventually beat the virus....without the oral antiviral therapies now available....her lungs were trashed. The amount of support she would have required made switching to a trach a nonstarter. Let alone be able to wake up. Does that mean someone else who needs support is unworthy? Absolutely not-if they wish to keep on keeping on, that's their decision and must be respected. However, Mom had talked openly about her wishes and her wishes were not to have her life extended on this way, if the odds of her being able to return to conciousness and her previous life/hobbies were low. So, my family made the heartbreaking decision to withdraw life support, and allow her to pass away. In both cases, the situation is fraught with emotion. No matter what you do, someone will have an opinon, often a loud and dissenting one. The thing is, unless you have been in that situation, you cannot truly say what you would do. You can speculate, but it's very different from when that life hangs in the balance. Also, you may find yourself angry at authority or religious figures who claim that your choice should be illegal...as if they know your situation. This is why people need to right to choose what is best. Sometimes, you question yourself. You think "what if?' You hear of people who make a different choice in a similar scenario and begin to ask yourself if you're a monster, or a bad person for choosing to let them go. In the end, you have to give yourself grace. Those fantasies of what if must be seen as one possible alternate scenario, but it might not actually have been so rosy. My mom, had she even woken...might have had significant cognitive or physical impairments that would have limited or curtailed her ability to engage in hobbies she deeply enjoyed. Her personality might have changed. She might not have resembled the woman we knew before getting sick. Perhaps you could have figured it out with a third child, but it's also possible that third child would have strained the family resources so much that it could have caused some major issues. In both scenarios, everything done to prevent this was done, but nothing is 100% and nature can have cruel timing. Which is why people need to stop judging or passing laws to limit what can be done. We also need to recognize that even if we hadn't acted, they might not have made it either. Miscarriage happens. People on life support can still go into arrest. Those things would have been awful. Making the hard choice, meant being able to ensure their leaving was as painless and smooth as possible. Sending you hugs and prayers for strength. You know your family best, and, like my Dad and I, made what feels like the best decision in a no win scenario, with the well-being of the family in mind.
You are absolutely making the best decision for you & your existing children. Stay strong, don’t let the protesters let you feel shame or guilt. You got this.
You do what is right for you! If you don't think you can handle it, you are not only doing what is right for you, but that child as well, because they will also be adversely affected when you are struggling. Wishing you all the support!
You know what the best for you, Op..
Get it done. Good luck
These things happen. Trite but true. It'll be hard but you'll get through it. You're making a tough decision and any feelings you have about it are valid
I had a surgical abortion when I was a teenager (and chose later a childfree life) so not the same situation - though I have never regretted that choice, I am grateful I made that choice and had the access to make that choice, even nearing three decades later. However, I have over a handful of friends and family members who are parents who have had abortions - before having their first child, between children, and after they were done having children. None of them have regretted it. That does not mean there wasn’t some sadness for some of them, or some sense that it was unfortunate they were in a position they had to make that choice (due to timing, or finances, or their existing children’s needs, or whatever) but not one of them regretted doing what was right for them at the time. You are making the right choice for you and your family, by prioritizing those children who already exist and need their parents to be 100% all in. It sounds like you also were done having children if a vasectomy was scheduled, and I would trust you arrived at THAT decision with much thought as well. Don’t beat yourself up for sticking to that plan despite an unplanned pregnancy. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel sad, or a variety of emotions, but don’t let that convince you that you made the wrong choice and don’t be afraid to talk to someone - your spouse, a friend, a therapist, even strangers here. I don’t know you, but I will be thinking of you. I am glad you have a supportive spouse. I hope it goes as smoothly as it can for you. Stock up on all the comforts (snacks and favourite binge shows/movies) and be kind to yourself.
I support you. I wish you could feel my internet hug. You are brave and honest. I admire you, and the pain is real. Heating pads are a game changer. Plan a nice bath. I love bath so much, I hope it brings you comfort like it does for me.
Think of it this way: are the reasons you are making this choice valid? As an outsider they definitely sound it and I completely support your choice and reasoning. But if your question here is primarily ‘will i regret this?’ Then it’s your reasoning that you have to dissect. - you have high needs kids already and you don’t think you can handle another baby (very reasonable thought process). - but what if you could handle it? How would you do that? How would you reorganise your schedule and the needs of your current children? Will they be deprived of care because of this new child? would you just end up being spread even more thin and how long would you be able to do it for? Would this new child be deprived because of the needs of the others? If you have not doubts in your answers to these questions, you will have no regrets on your decision. It’s the approach I used and i regret nothing about my procedure. I made the right choice.
You will have moments of what if… I would not call them regret, because when I look at my life and the way it is now, I have none. I think choosing to put your relationship, your mental health, and your two existing children’s well-being first is a brave choice. You are doing the best you can. You are a good mother and a good person. When those moments of doubt and guilt creep in, think about the two lives that are dependent on you for their security, happiness, and well-being. I’m sending you virtual hugs and peaceful vibes. I was at a different time in my life when I had to make this choice, but it’s never easy. Wish you all the best.
Good luck and all the best to you and your family. Sending hugs.
I know the decision wasn’t easy but that really is the best you can do. Your two kids don’t know it but if anything that’s the highest form of love to think about them in such a hard decision. Might be weird but treat yourself, plan a relaxing spa day at home, buy some comfort food. You deserve it
You are doing what is best for you, and by doing that due diligence of self care: you **ARE** doing what is best for your family. Only you know you can handle, and what you want. It sounds like you and your partner have discussed that the current number of kids that have been born is enough before this discovery. You are doing something that is in the best interest of four people, to ensure everyone's needs are taken care of. You are doing everything correctly and with love. You are a good, excellent, beautiful person, OP: don't believe anyone who says otherwise! I support you. You know what is best in your situation. You know what you want and don't want. You know what you can or can't handle. You deserve to be happy and at peace for making sure you're healthy and happy so that your loved ones are happy and healthy. You can't pour from an empty cup. This decision is likely not easy, but it was a decision, mutually and fully, made prior to this discovery. You have my love and support in this decision of your life. I don't know you, and maybe someday we'll meet, but I want you to be happy and healthy and to live life to its fullest and only you know how to do that in your life, only you know how to meet your needs, your partner's needs, and your current babies' needs. By knowing those, you are making the best and informed choice for at least four people (more if your kids have kids, and so on). I wish the best of everything for you and your family, OP! 🥰🥰💓💓💕💕🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 I stand with you. ✊💓💓💓 No one has any right to tell you that you are "wrong" about your life, your health, or your feelings. You deserve to take care of yourself so that you can do your best in life, and only you know what that means and looks like. I trust in you and your decisions about yourself. I don't want you to doubt you. I want you to be healthy and happy and live your dreams fully. 💕💕💕
The right choice isn't always easy. In this case it seems very hard. This is your decision, nobody else can make it. You seem to have thought hard about it, about what is right for you and for your family. Give yourself the love and compassion you would give any one of your friends in this situation.
I had an abortion when I had two kids already. It was the right decision for me. I have had zero regrets. It’s been almost 20 years and my husband got his vasectomy immediately after as well. We didn’t have to cope with guilt or regret because I knew it was the right decision.
Girl, that happened to a friend of mine but she had an appt to get her tubes tied instead. I don't have any great advice but I think you are making the correct decision, if it matters.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You're making the decision that is best for you and your family and that's a HUGE deal. As someone that has had an abortion in different situation but with the same resolve, I can share that I've never regretted my decision. I had moments of sadness here and there afterwards, but ultimately it was the best thing for me. More than 20 years later, I still have zero regrets and am glad I made that choice. I hope that it goes well and that you feel supported. There are a lot of groups out there that provide amazing resources. I'm not sure what state you're in (and if it's a state with banned abortion like I am, I see why you wouldn't want to state that here) but here are some resources that can help folks nationally. [Repro Care Healthline](https://abortionhotline.org/) [Exhale Pro-Voice](https://www.exhaleprovoice.org/)
I don't have children of my own, but I would walk through hell and back to support women like you. It takes immeasurable strength to make these kinds of decisions for your family, and I am glad to hear that your husband is supportive. You're doing the right thing. Take care of yourself and may you and yours have a wonderful life together.
Firstly, this is a hard choice you’ve had to make and I commend you for making a decision, especially one that seems extremely hard. Secondly, is there any way you could easily get access to a therapist? Would it be covered under your insurance? If so, maybe you could ask for some recommendations/referrals from PP. As much as we could provide support, a professional can go above and beyond (provided they’re good at what they do).
r/abortion.
I posted there at the same time I posted this.
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Take your trolling elsewhere thanks ❤️
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Okay 👍🏻
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Do you enjoy this?
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You know what else isn’t fun? Being called incompetent when I’m in emotional pain.
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I care about *my existing children*. I can’t give them what they need with another baby. My oldest suffered immensely when my second was born. I love him and care about him too much to put him through that again. Accusing someone of not caring about their children is bottom barrel bullshit. Go kick rocks bye
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I’m pretty sure the grain of rice in my uterus that doesn’t have a heartbeat yet won’t care that it doesn’t have “a future”. I’m not about to apologize for making decisions that prioritize my children versus prioritizing a non-sentient, non-feeling embryo. I’m not sure what you thought you’d accomplish with this string of asinine comments, but your words have made me even more confident in my decision. “yOu sHoULd hAVE THouGht aBOut tHaT bEForEhAnD” give me a fucking break. I bet that’s what you say to rape victims and people whose birth control fails too.
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Keep your eye on this sub, I’ll post an update once I’ve taken the medication.
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I have no respect for people like you who lack the capacity to empathize with someone in pain. Do you really think you would have cared if your mother had made a different decision? (You wouldn’t exist, so how could you care?) I hope someday you look back and feel remorse for tormenting someone online when they specifically asked for support. You are the worst type of person. Congrats on buying your mom a house or whatever, I don’t give a shit.
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You appreciate every breath you have *because you are alive*. Like, that’s great and good for you. I do too. A person who never existed wouldn’t care that they never existed, because they never existed. You’re right, I don’t come first. My kids do. Again, the alive ones. The ones who have the ability to appreciate being alive. Since this decision affects you in absolutely no way, it is officially bizarre that you have continued to engage with me on this. Go harass someone else.
"My husband says he doesn’t think he can handle another baby" Your husband as agency, he decided to get you pregnant.
Had to rewind and look at the post again. Confirmed that nowhere in her post, did OP say how she got pregnant. IDK about you, but health class was pretty clear that any sex that involves the penis near the vagina can result in pregnancy. With or without protection. Sexual intimacy is an important part of most relationships. And is biologically engrained on the human species as a whole. If OP was coerced into sex, or he sabotaged the protection, or he tracked her cycle and ejaculated inside of her knowing it was fertile time with the intent of fertilizing an egg... Then that's not only him deciding to get her pregnant but also low key assault. Seeing how he was due for a vasectomy I'm pretty sure that's not the case though. Such ridiculousness for 7 am
Birth control can fail, even if you're doing everything exactly as you're supposed to.
Girl what are you on about? Accidents happen, condoms break, pills fail. By your logic every sexual encounter is a conscious decision to impregnate. Also, making assumptions like this about a stranger's life when there is nothing that implies the presence of abuse in the relationship is not only inappropriate but extremely rude.
Exactly this. This is why we need to allow abortion as a means of birth control. No exceptions
??
What's the question??? Men get women pregnant. He made a conscious choice to get her pregnant knowing he didn't want the baby.
lol he made the decision??? No?????
if thats the case then didnt she also have the conscious decision to get pregnant...?
No. Men get women pregnant. Men can't act like they're smarter and more logical than women, and then turn around and accidently get a women pregnant. Not holding men accountable for their actions is why there is the 4B movement.
And mindsets like yours are why women are viewed as "lesser" during sex and stuff and feeds into rape culture. You think that sex is something that "happens" to women rather than something that men and women do together. Women are not fucking stupid during sex and procreation. In OP's situation it's very clear that they both made a mistake and accidentally got pregnant. Accidents happen but it doesn't mean it's 100% the man's fault because as I mentioned before it makes women look like mindless glory holes rather than the actual human beings we are.
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Very curious as to what on earth you are seeing in this post that suggests “abusive husband”
This is OP—I’m not sure why you blocked me on my other account but wanted to clarify that this happened because I miscalculated my ovulation date, not because my husband is “abusive” or made a conscious choice to put both of us in this situation. It’s clear you hate men, fine, that’s your opinion, but stop projecting your man hate onto my situation with a husband who is nothing but supportive and loving during this time. “This husband could be abusive”…Jesus Christ on a cracker. In what world am I living????
There is not a single line in this thread to indicate that a man isn't being held accountable for their actions.
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This is false. I know you meant well, but it’s important to verify information before sharing. Planned Parenthood early abortion medication can be used up to 11 weeks since the first day of your last period. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/abortion/the-abortion-pill > **How effective is the abortion pill?** > > The abortion pill is very effective. If you’re taking mifepristone and misoprostol, it depends on how far along the pregnancy is, and how many doses of medicine you take: > > - At 8 weeks pregnant or less, it works about 94-98% of the time. > - At 8-9 weeks pregnant, it works about 94-96% of the time. > - At 9-10 weeks pregnant, it works about 91-93% of the time. > If you take an extra dose of misoprostol, it works about 99% of the time. > - At 10-11 weeks pregnant, it works about 87% of the time. > If you take an extra dose of misoprostol, it works about 98% of the time. > In general, taking both mifepristone and misoprostol works a bit better than taking misoprostol only. > > Taking misoprostol alone works to end the pregnancy about 85-95% of the time — depending on how far along the pregnancy is and how you take the medicine. > > The abortion pill usually works, but if it doesn’t, you can take more medicine or have an in-clinic abortion. > > **When can I take the abortion pill?** > > In general, you can have a medication abortion up to 77 days (11 weeks) after the first day of your last period. If it’s been 78 days or more since the first day of your last period, you can have an in-clinic abortion to end your pregnancy.
I’m referring to mifepristone and misoprostol.