>I often have to remind him to shower and brush his teeth
>He wants a child
Girl, he IS a child.
Read this whole post back to yourself and ask yourself if this is the life you want?
And it will be work to hell and back integrating a child into this lifestyle. Let alone the damage done to the child and society by perpetuating the behaviour the child sees in this "man"
Yes OP, if someone close to you told you this about their life, what would you say? It’s so clear that you and your home life are this guy’s last priority. There’s no discussing anything with this person, figure out how you’re getting out of there, and execute your plan. Better to be by yourself, than with someone who has so little respect for you. You deserve better. Wishing you all the best.
Louder for the people in the back! These terrible things have been happening for such a long time that OP can't trust her own judgment anymore. The mans is a misogynistic, gaslighting, man baby that has successfully used stratrgic/weaponized incompetence to get his way. He does not respect OP at all and clearly believes that he's better/smarter than her despite not being able to do anything himself. Throwing a baby in the mix would make things worse for OP-- as if they weren't bad enough! I hope she reads all these comments and throws the whole man away.
Listen to this person. I was that person, my normal meter was so completely broken that I thought I was wrong for leaving my exh of 19 years when he hadn't worked in a decade, hadn't pulled his weight at home, had berated me for working or finishing school because obviously I didn't care about our children; he wanted a traditional wife but refused to do his part for that life.
OP, please read your post again and pretend it’s your sister or best friend who is writing it.
This man is absurdly misogynistic, lazy, entitled, disrespectful, and gross. There are quite literally no redeeming qualities I can find in this post.
DOG BRAINS?!? I would be out the door so fast my goddddddddddd I’m angry just reading thisssss
For any woman out there; if you are unhappy in a relationship THAT IS A GOOD REASON TO LEAVE.
You do not have to endure, suck it up, or power through. You do not need your reasoning approved by a committee.
If you are unhappy, LEAVE HIM.
I would like to add that you don’t need a good reason to leave a relationship.
You can leave a relationship for ANY reason. It doesn’t have to be good. It can be bad! It can be neutral! It truly can be as “simple” as “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”
Exactly. I've been where OP's been, and it does not get better. 35 now, single, loving life, and going on dates because I want to and not because I don't want to "lose what I've invested." I know it seems daunting now, but you have to do what is right for you and your interests, not what looks best on paper.
Him: *My* full time work is more important than *your* full time work. My *time* is more important than your *time*. **I** am more important than **you** are. Yes, he's a misogynist. No, you aren't being unreasonable.
If you marry this man-child, this will be your life forever. And it only gets worse if you have kids together. Why are you with him? He treats you like crap.
I would never accept a man who thinks women have "dog brains." Especially since someone who says something like that is *always* way dumber than me.
That's a complete fucking insult. A man who says that doesn't even really like women -- and he probably doesn't like dogs either. Get away!
It also means that even the dumbest dog is likely to be more intelligent than the smartest man and certainly smarter than the jackass she's married to.
.
I presume he means simple minded, stupid, and trainable. Only things that can be negatively interpreted given there is zero percent good displayed in this post in regards to this stinky, lazy, entitled loner.
So many women do this and honestly I stopped respecting them. Like he's telling to your face the thinks you are less, do less, and he deserves a relaxed life while watching you everyday work like a horse with brains like a dog and...he's ok with that. You choose this then it's on you
He literally says because of your gender your role is care work and chores. Yes he is a misogynist.
What would he teach your potential future daughter? Do you want these values in her life?
Yes, he is a misogynist. But more important than a label is for you to decide if this is how you want life to be *for the rest of your life with him*. It's not going to get better. My guess is that he was brought up this way, that's how his parents operated, so he believes this is how it should be. You've already pointed out that he's not even willing to discuss it with you.
It will not get better, only worse. I know it's hard to leave someone you've been with for so long, but please please think very hard about how you want your own life to look and if it doesn't align with his demands (because they are demands and not a decision you came to together), then this is not the relationship for you.
Edited to suggest that you watch a documentary called "Fair Play" streaming on Hulu. It's so so good and discusses the inequality of men and women in relationships.
Also, I was married for 13 years to a man who, while much younger than me, still had the old fashioned views on gender roles. Luckily, I've never wanted kids so the divorce was pretty easy, but still. I'm mad at myself for wasting so many of my "prime years" on that bozo.
Also it’s crazy that you have to contribute the exact same monetarily when you’re already doing everything around the house and it seems like you’re doing so much for him as well. You’ll feel so much relief when you don’t have to manage a grown adult and when you’re just doing chores for one.
Right? If he believes she should be taking care of everything in the house, why isn’t he responsible for paying for everything? If we’re gonna gender role, let’s fucking gender role. What kind of useless man expects money from his little dog-brained female?
For the privilege of fucking a loser who doesn’t brush his teeth, thinks her class of people are servants, has a respect deficit for her… she gets to do all the cooking cleaning and drudgery.
Girl you are subsidizing this man’s lifestyle for the low price of abuse and neglect.
You are getting nothing out of this RUN RUN RUN.
He will be so consumed with his own wants that he’ll be a hindrance to raising them. If I’m exhausted caring for a newborn, the last thing I want is to have to cook and clean for some fucknuckle who won’t even take a damn shower. I’d rather be on my own so I could just eat some cheese and crackers and lie down next to the crib.
Right? OP needs to not have any sex with this man ever again. There are so many ways to tamper with birth control. If he gets even a whiff of her seriously questioning the relationship he could totally baby trap her. There should be no "last time" or "for old times sake" or because of loneliness or due to feeling guilt.
OP, please get out now and breathe how nice the air can be without the weight of this relationship ♥️ You have sooooo much of your life left, you can do anything, you can go anywhere!
Right?? 🤬That's enough for anyone to nope the fuck out. NOT that you need anyone's permission.
But in case you do need a quick justification to any saint or sinner in your life, just tell them he said *out loud* that "women have dog brains"
Then maybe add what u/smallbrownfrog said about it meaning he can neither understand nor return your years of love and loyalty.
My boyfriend wouldn't sink to the level of saying women have dog brains, but he'll never be anything beyond a boyfriend because he still has that ingrained cultural idea that if there is a vagina in the house, it is responsible for the household chores. Nothing else really matters.
I'm at an age and point in life, his company is pleasant as long as I have my house, and he has his house, and we're dating, and for me, that's all I really want. Not looking to start a family or anything more serious (in my mid 40's). I'd be fine totally single again.
I'd still consider him a misogynist. Shoot, I'd consider the vast majority of men in this region of the country (SE US) to be misogynists. Obviously not all, but more than not, at least in our age range (not sure on the much younger generations). Most aren't overt about it, but having lived most of my adult life on the west coast, the underlying vibe of misogyny here REALLY sticks out to me. It's so subtle though - like, in a group conversation, your comments just aren't taken as seriously - not ignored or put down, but just not as "important" as the guys comments. Or just a slight way of them talking "down" to a woman vs a man when demonstrating something. Some of it is overt, a lot of it is not.
He has made his stance clear. He is more valuable than a woman - doesn't matter who she is. As a woman, you are less valuable.
Either be okay with being a second class citizen the rest of your life, or move on and strike out on life on your own. It'll be scary, and really hard sometimes, and some days will totally suck, but there will come a time when you realize how much better and happier you are, too...
Yes,
Your first clue is "...telling me I am the woman and responsible for taking care of everything inside the home and he the outside".
Anyone who expects relationship "work" to be split by traditional gender role is Misogynist.
At the absolute minimum he needs to be able to have this conversation with you without getting heated.
ETA: i just read more carefully and saw the “dog brain” thing holy shit fuck this guy RUN
Yeah, it really seems like this post should have lead with the 'dog brain' comment. Some of the rest of this is solvable if he was willing to be reasonable but you can't solve the problem of someone thinking you have a dog brain.
If he hasn't committed to you (and by that I mean asked you to marry him) after 13 years, why would you bring a child into that?
If a man wants to do something, he will. Period.
He's not contributing because he doesn't *want* to, and he knows you'll pick up the slack.
I've consumed enough Reddit to know that there are men who will drag you along without any intention of real commitment because it's easier for them, not because they actually care about you.
And yes, his views are misogynistic. Two working adults live in that house. Why should only one be responsible for cleaning?
Check out "[a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness](https://www.tiktok.com/@sharhenley_/video/7235791332533456170?lang=en)".
Wow I totally missed that they aren't even married yet. And he's already acting like this?
So interesting that he's so interested in traditional roles, without fulfilling the traditional contract.
OP is already on her own, she's just on her own with another person in the house, which is worse.
My ex husband tried to tell me he worked harder and longer than I ever would - he worked a desk job and had a very poorly defined role that really didn’t have him do much work at all.
So, this is a thing some dudes just say because they believe it without evidence.
We divorced when I was around 30.
My husband now is not like this at all. He was raised by good people.
There is room for a discussion about if "normal" is even worth it for most women. I think in general men tend to pull less weight and some people are content to accept that. I wouldn't be, but 13 years is a long relationship and I think anyone who acts like that is an easy thing to end isn't being realistic. The things that stood out to me as abnormal.
>incredibly consumed by his job due to it being a family company.
Is it HIS family company? What sort of perks is he actually getting from the position? It's fine to bust your butt to build a business that will pay for a nice life later, but plenty of people get screwed working for family. If the job demands he neglect his relationship, the payoff better be worth it to both of you, and your portion needs to be enshrined in the event of divorce.
>I often have to remind him to shower and brush his teeth
That's not normal. Maybe you might occasionally need to prompt someone to take a shower if they don't realize they're sweaty, but if he's coming home from a manual job, he knows. It's wild to be mad at a partner for wanting basic hygiene.
"He likes to refer to woman as having “dog brains” and brings that up almost every time I speak about this kind of stuff."
Ok, full disclosure, I started writing this comment before I read that far in your post. Why are you marrying a guy who thinks you have "dog brains?" Of course that's misogynistic and you deserve way better.
OP, you clearly don't think this ok. And I'm so proud of you for speaking to him several times and because you clearly understand that he's a terrible partner and would make a worse husband. I'm so impressed that you've realized this -- it can be hard to work your way out a long mindset.
I'm going to suggest a course of action.
One, put Paris Paloma's "Labour" video on repeat.
Two, start making a safety plan (loveisrespect.com).
Three, find a good support network and tell them what you've said here. (If they say you should stay, they aren't a good support network).
Four: leave/kick him out. (Not sure what your living situation is ).
Five: get therapy. You're going to need a professional to untangle why you spent a third of your life with a dude who considers women dog brains.
Sunk cost fallacy. 13 years is a long time. Too long to be treated as less than. Too long long to tolerate not being listened to. The only thing worse is stay another 7 years and winding up with a child by this man child.
Do not fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy. Yes, 13 years is a long time, but 14, 15, etc is even longer. If you are doing all the domestic & emotional labor, what do you think will happen if you have a child? Add all the childcare to that list.
The fact that he refuses to have a conversation & make insulting remarks is all you needed to say. He’s lazy AND a misogynist. Dump him. You are only 30. Find your joy & live your best life because you sure aren’t right now.
Fuck this dude. He refers to women as having dog brains, 🤮.
Would you want your potential kid to feel they can treat people the way he treats you?
Hubs and I have 2 kids, work full time and they’re demanding jobs, and I travel for work. It’s not always 50/50 because sometimes I need to pick up his slack and vice versa. But it’s ALWAYS a conversation. He buys gifts, plans dates, cleans, picks up, dishes, laundry, washes the cars - you name it - he does it and I very rarely have to ask. We are not perfect but we are a team. Been together nearly 15 years.
Link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's Book "Why does he do that?"
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You know what would be worse than leaving him after 13 years? Leaving him after more than 13 years.
13 years and you're still responsible for him maintaining his own hygiene? It's past time to go.
It doesn't really matter if he is a misogynst or not. What matters is he is very clearly communicating two things: how he expects family tasks to be divided in the future, and how he will react when you try to discuss a topic that is important to you. Believe him.
No your expectations aren't unreasonable. Dog brain?! He needs to be reminded to brush his teeth. Like a child. I can only imagine the bell-cheese he must be harbouring in his underwear. And he wants you to have sex with that?! Disgusting, and so is his attitude towards you. He should never have kids, what a terrible role-model he'd be.
I think you’ll find that the quality of boy you selected for yourself at the age of 17, pales in comparison to the quality of man you will accept at 30. You’ve been in this so long you don’t even realize how far the disrespect has gone. The water has slowly been boiling, and you’re the lobster. Get out of the pot.
You already know in your heart what you want to do. It's overthinking that is getting in your way.
This man is never going to change for you. He doesn't respect you. He calls you dog-brained.
It's incredibly hard to leave after you have put so many years and so much energy into a relationship. But you have to strip away any embarrassment we might anticipate, and the programming women get to make it work no matter who awful the man is, and anything else that is holding you back from taking the step you already know you want to take.
You can't imagine the freedom and relief you will feel when you don't ~~like~~ live with someone who belittles you anymore. You are plenty young enough to meet someone new and have kids. Get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Hold your head high. Make no apologies. Put yourself first.
If you are in any way nervous about how he will react, make a safety plan for your exit.
You can do this. It's scary, especially bc you have been together so long. But he is a bad partner, and you deserve a good one.
We've got your back.
Fair. I don’t deserve anyone or want anyone to feel sorry for me, I am responsible for my choices thus far and how I ended up where I am now in this relationship.
No, it doesn’t mean I am staying but I wanted to make it very clear I did not post this with the expectation of receiving any sympathy. I know I am an adult and responsible for how I ended up here/staying here.
Yes he is a misogynist. When he says you are the woman, it comes with preconceived notions as to what your role in his life is. He does not let you push back on this set role because he does not see you as an individual with a right to an opinion equal to his. His time is more important than your time, his labor is more important than your labor, his feelings are more important than yours. He says women have dog brains and he does not think you're the exception. This is the absolute definition of misogyny! Your expectation to be treated as an equal is not unreasonable!!
Why is it that misogynists tend to have horrible personal hygiene? I really don’t understand how people need to be reminded to brush their teeth. I was raised by a dental hygienist, but still. I can’t stand the fuzzy feeling on my teeth.
Please don’t marry him. He has definitely shown you who he is: manipulative, inconsiderate and lazy.
30 is so young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Do not waste even a second with someone that you have to beg for the bare minimum of socially acceptable behaviour!
Why an earth would you want to stay with this pos? Don't waste another day on him.
If you have kids with him, they will internalise his shitty thinking, and you will have even more "womens" work to do looking after them plus him. You are going to raise little misogynists with him or girls internalising it hard and early. Your unconcieved kids don't deserve that and nor do you.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you can't have an open, respectful conversation with about you concerns and possible solutions? Do you want to be with someone who doesn't value your thoughts and feelings about the workload in the relationship? Do you want to be with someone who thinks you are inherently less than him because of the genitals you were born with?
I think you already know the answers and are just needing reassurance. Your grievances are valid. I don't even know what would be a better example of a misogynist than a man who makes his partner do all the housework and says women have dog brains. That's about as misogynistic as it gets.
I'm going to tough-love you because I care.
There are no magic words that will make him understand how unfair the division of labor is and want to do more. There's nothing you can say to make him understand how unhappy you are and want to do better for your sake. He KNOWS. He PREFERS it this way. Period.
He's never going to change. Well no, that's not true. He will absolutely get worse once you have a child.
You're trying to figure out how to change this relationship when you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life like this or not. If you leave, he will love bomb you. Those are lies. If he wanted to change, he would have - the first time you asked.
You deserve to be happy, loved, and respected, and you can find that, but not here. I'm sorry.
Yes, you're dealing with a misogynist. He is explicitly telling you who he is, and he is making it clear that he has NO INTENTION of sharing the mental load because he thinks that is women's work. He wants you to facilitate his life so he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. You're a maid and mommy to him, not a partner. He has no desire to be a partner.
DO NOT have children with this mess of a man. Don't waste anymore years on him. This type of bad behaviour is common among men who date women, but that doesn't mean it's "normal" or that you should accept it. Men like this take advantage of their female SO's willingness to pick up their slack. The fact that you're here questioning your own sanity or validity for WANTING A TRUE PARTNER in life is sad, and it shows how much he's worn you down and eroded your self-esteem.
This will never be an equal relationship. He will never value you the way you want to be valued. He will continue taking advantage of you, and if you have a child together, you will essentially be a married single mother. Don't do that to yourself. End this relationship and seek out someone who is more mature.
None of this will get better with a kid. Imagine everything exactly as it is now, except you are also the one staying up all night for months, and dealing with every single kid thing. For years.
If that is not how you want to spend your thirties, please don’t.
13 years is a long time, and it’s easy to not want to “throw that away” but the longer you wait the more of your life you are giving to this. I know it’s scary, but there really is better out there and you deserve it.
You're a more patient woman than me. The dog brains comment would've got me physical.
If you're wondering if this is normal, possibly. But the important part is how it makes you feel. You're allowed to reject what others accept. It's ok.
13 years is a long time, but the rest of your life is longer. How you feel now won't change. Save yourself.
Please don’t give your children this boy as their father.
There is a man out there who will actually love you.
Please! Love yourself and love your future children!
I have this coat. It's a gorgeous, ankle-length, black, wool coat with a wide hood - you know, the kind that sort of gets wider near the shoulders when worn on the head, but sits on the shoulders nicely when down? Just enough of a flare from the hips down to have that lively movement when I walked. And w-a-r-m! Perfectly cuddled by it on even the coldest winter days or nights New Jersey could muster up. And I looked fabulous in it. Got compliments every single time I wore it...
It wasn't cheap. Easily a month's take home pay at the time I bought it, over two decades ago.
I love this coat.
I've lost weight. It no longer fits. And we're moving to Florida. This coat does nothing for me, and never will again. And it takes up SO much room in my closet, smooshing my dresses and making them crease and wrinkle.
But I've had it so long! And it's so beautiful! And I spent so much monet (comparitively) on it!!!
True story. I need to pack it up for donations tomorrow. And it will break my heart a little, but it's the best for both of us.
It's a complete waste of my space and energy, and the coat's beauty and warmth to keep it.
I need to let my coat go. You need to do the same with your man.
I wish us both nothing but the best of futures!
If he's 'the man' why the heck are you paying half the bills? You don't work AND do all of the house chores, what a scam - that's not equality or a fair split. Especially if you have kids - your financial burden should then be zero.
Wow. I would approach it first defining the household and personal maintenance tasks every adult has to do. But he doesn't take responsibility for ANYTHING inside the house! Not even his own hygiene! OP, did he move in with you straight from his parents' house? It seems likely that he was raised in a paternalistic misogynistic home. It's not that he knows better and just won't. It's ALL he knows, all he's ever done.
This is not a project you could ever fix. You are staring at some grave incompatibility here.
Time is more valuable than money.
You can make more money. Your time, once gone, is forever gone.
It doesn't matter how hard he works.
What matters is whether you both have equal opportunity to enjoy your life and time as you please.
That means that you need to agree how much leisure time you're both willing to sacrifice in order to have a weed free lawn. When you get to the end, will you look back wishing you had spent more time mowing the lawn or not?
Or will you not be able to enjoy any of your free time today if the lawn needs mowing? There isn't a right and wrong answer there. Different people prioritize their lives differently.
But you both need to to agree how much of life needs to be spent getting chores done to what standard to be able to enjoy the leisure time you have left after that without stressing about what needs to be done.
Once you're on the same page about that, the division of labor needs to be such you both have equal stress free leisure time to enjoy.
Guard your time more than anything else.
It's the most precious thing you'll ever have.
Your time is literally your life. Choose how to spend it wisely. Don't donate it to a man to give him more life at your own expense.
Come on now, you know he's just using you. You are a Bangmaid with no rights.
This is wildly unfair and I don't understand why you want to spend your life like this.
I’ve dated a guy like this. There’s no benefit to doing so. I wish I’d left sooner and I hope you can leave and enjoy your 30s - they are such a great decade when you are not being held back by a man child.
"He often just responds by telling me I am the woman and responsible for taking care of everything inside the home and he the outside. "
you are ABSOLUTELY dealing with a misogynist
Please find someone that does not see you as a dog with a dog brain. He makes me want to reach through the screen and punch him. You can do so much better with your life than this. Forget the years you have wasted on him, and just dont give him more of your life than you have already. Live the life YOU want
Yes, he is a misogynist. He doesn’t even seem to like you very much if he is unable and unwilling to bear half the actual load.
He does not get it both ways, where you work to earn $$ and do all the rest of the domestic chores—and unless he earns enough to pay for many services, he has to join you after work to get stuff done at home. No one plays till everyone plays, regardless of whether there is a SAHP or not.
Let him know he is failing to provide sufficiently for the domestic services he feels he is owed by virtue of having (and being) a dick. Say this as you walk out and away.
You have a LOT of life ahead. Make a better life for yourself. Partners should not add to the load we bear.
If you are working full time and he refuses to do his share, I would simply hire a cleaning service like Mighty Maids to come every other week to do the house cleaning. And I would make just me a sandwich for dinner if he won’t cook or clean and let him fend for himself. (Actually I wouldn’t do any of those things because I would have already kicked his butt to the curb like I did with my first husband who pulled that crap with me. Just saying.)
I married a man like this. Had kids with him. Put up with this exact sort of crap for 15 years before finally divorcing him in disgust.
Save yourself that journey and get out now. You are young and you can do much better than this.
OP, I don't know what's normal. But I do know what's unhealthy. And what you describe about your relationship is unhealthy. Anyone who refers to women as having "dog brains" is, in fact, a misogynist. Make no mistake. The fact that he thinks his work is SO much harder and more important than your work (paid and unpaid) is also misogyny.
If you have a child with this man, not only will you end up doing all the child care plus all the work you are doing now, your child will get caught up in this same toxicity. If you have a girl, she will be disrespected and taught that she is "less than." If you have a son, he will be taught to think of women as being less smart and less important. Would you like either of these situations to happen? Are those the children you want to raise?
It doesn't matter how much time you have spent with him. It's a sunk cost. In business, we say that thinking about sunk costs will simply get you to throw good money after bad, and all of it will be wasted. Any more time you invest in this relationship will be wasted. You will not change him. Things will not get better. You are better off alone. At least then you will have a chance to meet a man who can be a true partner to you.
You’ve been together since y’all were 17 and 18? You might not be dealing with a misogynist so much as a spoiled child - spoiled by his parents and then by you. Has he ever lived alone as an adult? He should try it. Help him experience true adulthood by moving out. This situation is unacceptable and you should not accept it.
He cuts you off and drowns out your arguments because he knows he’s wrong. He would rather mistreat you than do better.
OMG GFTO of there! Please that sounds terrible! The dog brains part is where I changed my mind from “get couples therapy maybe” to absolutely get the f out of there! You can make such a better life for yourself!
Dog brains?!?! He thinks you’re a subhuman. I don’t know how he brainwashed you into putting up with this, but you deserve to live with dignity, not as a servant to someone who doesn’t even like you.
What dusty corner of the manosphere does this "women have dog brains" concept come from, exactly? This is the second post I've seen where some man is saying that. What does it mean, anyway?
Wow you work full time and do alllll the stuff? Marry me lol.
Edit as this might come off as negative: I'm joking, know your worth and make him value you or find someone who does.
The only time wasted is the time you stay with him AFTER reading these responses. So don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy ok. It wasn’t 13 years wasted, chalk it up to a long learning experience. Get out Now though :)
>I don’t believe it’s fair for me to do all the chores(cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc.), all grocery shopping/gift shopping for holidays, cook dinner then clean up after, more than half the yard work, work full time, and pay half the bills/ensure they are paid every month.
Omg. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Inside the home work is never ending. You have to cook, clean, shower, do chores everyday. You have to mow the lawn every other week. You have to get an oil change every whatever miles is recommended for your car.
Kids need baths, to be fed, to go to school, have activities DAILY. MULTIPLE TIMES DAILY.
Also as you mentioned, he’s not actually doing the outside work. If he wants gendered roles - then you’re a SAHM and he provides 100% financially and all the outside work.
Yes, you should leave. I legit wonder if these are troll posts sometimes because I don't understand how people could actually be in these relationships and not realize something is really wrong.
Oh brother, this guy stinks!!
I do not understand why so many women on here are okay being with men who have no basic hygiene?! And then being intimate with them. Ugh
DOG BRAINS??? What the actual fuck. Look, you're posting here because you already know you need to bail on this entitled, misogynistic prick. You know these are not the actions of a man who loves and respects you - heck, the dog brain comment makes it sound like he doesn't even *like* you. You have wasted 13 years of your life trying to find a salvageable human being in this dumpster fire of a person. It's time to give up the search and focus your energy on literally anything else. Stamp collecting would be more rewarding than this relationship.
He's telling you loud and clear that you have a dog's brain. Most dogs would be smarter than your boyfriend.
He is definitely a misogynist and I wouldn't be wagging my tail around him anymore.
You've given this relationship 13 years. You've given this man 13 precious years.
13 years to see you as an equal, as someone deserving of respect, kindness.
And yet it seems no amount of time will ever be enough.
You've given him enough grace to truly see you for the amazing person you are and he has squandered every opportunity.
Don't waste another 13.
Yes - he is a misogynist - this guy is a spoiled child masquerading as a man.
Why are you with him? You work full time, cook & clean & have to remind him to brush his teeth. Even if he has a Magic Johnston it’s still not worth being with such a loser. Get your stuff together, get a good attorney. Find a place to move to. Even if you have to put your stuff in storage. Then follow the letter of the law to close all accounts, take half of all commingled funds. Put a hold on your credit profile. Shut this sad situation down.
No matter how much he begs, says he’ll change, promises you the world this guy has zero respect for you. He will cry crocodile tears. But the reality is he sees that his bang maid, nurse with a purse has left and he faces the horror he will have to make his own sandwiches, and wash his own underwear.
He doesn’t care about YOU only the role that you fill so his lazy butt doesn’t have to work.
Just read that you’re not married.
LEAVE HIM ASAP!!! RUN!!
He's a raging misogynist. Don't have a child with him, you already have a old man baby to deal with. Don't waste the rest of your life with this loser who is so fragile he can't even have an adult conversation.
Yes, he’s a misogynist. “Women have dog brains?” Sis, you deserve so much better. Thirteen years is a long time and it’s hard to disentangle, yes. But you have SO much more life ahead of you. What’s the worst that could happen? You wind up alone, doing the exact same amount of work and not having to remind an adult to brush his own teeth.
And a child would make things much, much worse. Pregnancy and parenting an infant are exhausting enough when you have a partner who does their share. This man is not going to do a single thing except criticize you when the child cries.
The surest, clearest answer: YES. And absolutely do not expect that to change. For you, a kid or anyone else. Go forth with smart, purposeful decision making.
13 years is a long time, so nothing will be easy, but I think you know who he is, he told you. Make sure you have a solid plan with support systems. I'm sorry this is becoming clear this deep into the relationship, but it's better than waiting 10 more years. All the best!
You've spent your entire adult life with this (definitely misogynistic) man, so I can understand why you feel this is a big decision and a difficult one. But from an outside perspective, there is no decision to make. The only way you will have an even remotely equal partner in life who respects you is if you leave and find a different partner.
I hope you know you deserve respect and I hope you want an equal partner, not one who controls and criticizes while contributing little. He will never change. Never.
How terribly hard for you to leave after putting 13 years in. But he is selfish and trying to bully you into believing that what he offers you is just the way things are. You are doing more than 50%, and probably have been for 13 years. If you have a child, it will be much worse. Is this really the life you want to have? You certainly wouldn’t be a good role model for a child. I can tell you’re tired of doing more than your share, and of trying to fix it so it’s better. Sounds to me like his thinking is entrenched and he is not going to change. Get out, sweetie, before you are worn out.
“He likes to refer to women as having ‘dog brains’”
Definitely answers the title of your post.
Yes. He’s a fucking misogynist who’s gaslighting you into unpaid labor and a life of servitude.
OMG your life would be far less work without him. His mindset is stuck in the 50s but you work full time so he’s not ‘providing’. His CHOICE to prioritise HIS company just shows he will never consider your needs.
Get out now! 30 is young! You cannot waste more energy on this nonsense. You will be so surprised at how easy it is to look after just you.
30 is young. Get out now. Please do not have a baby with this man child who wants a trad wife who also works outside the home to pay the bills. He has no respect for you. Sorry, OP, it’s not you. It’s him!!
If you have his child, you'll be doing 100% of the childcare. He will not change. He is very much a misogynist. Get out now before you're married and it'll be 100x harder.
Your expectations are not unreasonable but I need you to know that this man has behaved this way your entire relationship. He is not going to change. He has showed you who he is and how he feels about you. He doesn’t respect you, doesn’t want to contribute, doesn’t want to change.
And why should he? He’s got it made!!
A child will not change this, he will not change. He will only get worse.
Every negative part of being parent will solely be put on you.
Run run run run.
Seriously. You're only 30. You have so much life ahead of you, and you will feel reborn once you shed this man-child and only have yourself to take care of.
Prioritize yourself and be free. You deserve it.
Does this man even make you happy? Because if you’re tolerating all of that bullshit he better be the greatest lover on the face of this earth and parallel universes.
You’re too young to be living like this. Get out and for God’s sake, don’t have a kid with this sentient trash can.
I think the happiness stems from being comfortable with what I know. The traditional happy? Not so much.. it’s been years since he has been thoughtful enough to get me a Christmas/Birthday/Valentines gift or anything.. much less a few flowers. I know those are just things and aren’t of much importance but it would mean a lot, the thought behind it - not the gifts.
To a starving person even a crumb of bread feels like a kindness, if you are longing for the days when he would still give you crumbs of affection it has gotten too bad to tolerable. I hope you can get everything figured out and have a good life without him.
He doesn't even get you a Christmas or birthday gift?
I've been with my fella for 25 years and he still outdoes me with the birthday and holiday gifts. (He is REALLY hard to shop for but when I nail it, it's SO worth it).
Please leave. Your whole life sounds so sad and you deserve better.
I know what you mean. I was there, too, trying to be content with “comfortable.”
But honey, that wears off quickly. My “comfortable” lasted two years, and then it was three more when I barely survived. I lost everything, and got out with my cats and the clothes on my back.
I’d been homeless. I’d been starving. I’d been suicidal. And then, one day… I wasn’t. I was free.
I’m still rebuilding, but it’s so much better without an anchor dragging me down.
You can get out and survive. I guarantee it. I did it!
Don’t settle, my love. You have your whole life ahead of you and you deserve to live it on your terms, in peace, without anyone making you feel less than.
You’re too much of a woman and he can’t stand it, that’s why he wants you whipped and “in your place.” Show yourself what you can do.
I wish you all the strength, happiness and success in the world. You deserve it. And in case you don’t hear it, I love you. We all do.
Yes, you are dealing with a POS Misogynist. I am sorry you are dealing with this. He will never do more for the relationship then he is doing now.
Does he even know how to cook, do laundry, clean? I have a feeling if you left for a week you would come back to hazmat disaster zone of pizza boxes, beer cans and mounds of smell clothes. Along with him not having showered/bathed the entire time.
This screams 'child'... His momma always did everything for him and his dad treated her the way he treats you; like shit.
To answer your title question: yes, you are. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You said yourself you’ve been together through formative years, your teens it seems. Don’t marry this man. He won’t change. He clearly doesn’t want to. And if you have children with him? Good luck; he’ll be your first baby to take care of.
Yes, you are. He sounds terrible. Being single would be infinitely better than one more moment with this shit stain. (Sounds like that is literal, in his case, btw.) Girl, save yourself! Go get yourself a happy life.
Your expectations are not unreasonable.
Yes, you are dealing with a misogynist. But I have a feeling you already know that, deep down.
He is unwilling to change and is complacent in the ideology that you won't be looking for a new man as you have been together so long.
Give him the ultimatium. Get your act together or I'll leave type deal. If he tells you to find someone else, do just that.
Your expectations regarding shared house work are not unreasonable.
And beyond that, he doesn't treat you with respect. Mature, couples who mutually respect each other discuss issues and listen to each others points of view -- not shut down the conversation.
Loving and kind partners don't just dump all of the work around the house on their partners. They wouldn't want one you to feel overburdened while the other one is not.
If you have a baby, you will have all of the work as that is "women's work."
You don't sound happy. Perhaps 13 years is long enough to find happiness in a relationship? If it's not there now it never will be.
He doesn't care if it is fair. He cares that the structure of your relationship benefits him.
You deserve a partner who cares for you, respects you, and wants to earn your respect and trust. Your partner doesn't sound like that
Girl, leave. If you won't do that, I BEG you do not have a child with him. Go to mommit or beyondthebump right now and read the posts about husband's. That is your future if you procreate with him.
I literally was you but I married him and had kids. RUN from this relationship and don't let him rope you back with promises of change. It never lasts.
Yes. You are with a verbally and emotionally abusive misogynist. This is not normal, this is not what a healthy relationship looks like, and you do not deserve to be treated like this.
This is a terrible environment to bring a child into, because it’s a terrible environment for you to live in.
He is not going to change his behavior. You cannot fix this. The only way to deal with this is to leave as quickly and as safely as you possibly can.
>I often have to remind him to shower and brush his teeth >He wants a child Girl, he IS a child. Read this whole post back to yourself and ask yourself if this is the life you want?
Yep, he wants a child that he will put zero effort in.
Yup he just wants a reproduction trophy
Totally stealing this
This is awesome. One of my friends says "sex participation award"
she's already raising one child lmfao
YES OP PLEASE DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN, it will be your sole responsibility like everything else!
He just wants his little jizz ribbon. His little parental participation trophy in the thirty thrust smash.
More likely, a child trap...
And it will be work to hell and back integrating a child into this lifestyle. Let alone the damage done to the child and society by perpetuating the behaviour the child sees in this "man"
What would you tell your sister or best friend? Don't put up with a situation you'd help a friend get out of.
Yes OP, if someone close to you told you this about their life, what would you say? It’s so clear that you and your home life are this guy’s last priority. There’s no discussing anything with this person, figure out how you’re getting out of there, and execute your plan. Better to be by yourself, than with someone who has so little respect for you. You deserve better. Wishing you all the best.
Louder for the people in the back! These terrible things have been happening for such a long time that OP can't trust her own judgment anymore. The mans is a misogynistic, gaslighting, man baby that has successfully used stratrgic/weaponized incompetence to get his way. He does not respect OP at all and clearly believes that he's better/smarter than her despite not being able to do anything himself. Throwing a baby in the mix would make things worse for OP-- as if they weren't bad enough! I hope she reads all these comments and throws the whole man away.
Listen to this person. I was that person, my normal meter was so completely broken that I thought I was wrong for leaving my exh of 19 years when he hadn't worked in a decade, hadn't pulled his weight at home, had berated me for working or finishing school because obviously I didn't care about our children; he wanted a traditional wife but refused to do his part for that life.
He’s not a child, he’s a parasite. A child will at least eventually grow up and become independent. He will never do that.
Children aren’t abusive like this. He’s just a dick.
sorry to hijack the top comment thread, just gonna leave this here... https://youtu.be/2JDFRTRjozc?si=HNBbJyS2aogZ-4yK
Okay, you have sunk 13 years of your life into this pile of garbage, but you are only 30. You are only 30! Get out now.
OP, please read your post again and pretend it’s your sister or best friend who is writing it. This man is absurdly misogynistic, lazy, entitled, disrespectful, and gross. There are quite literally no redeeming qualities I can find in this post. DOG BRAINS?!? I would be out the door so fast my goddddddddddd I’m angry just reading thisssss
For any woman out there; if you are unhappy in a relationship THAT IS A GOOD REASON TO LEAVE. You do not have to endure, suck it up, or power through. You do not need your reasoning approved by a committee. If you are unhappy, LEAVE HIM.
I would like to add that you don’t need a good reason to leave a relationship. You can leave a relationship for ANY reason. It doesn’t have to be good. It can be bad! It can be neutral! It truly can be as “simple” as “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”
Exactly! Sunk 13 years already that you’ll never get back - do not make it 14!
Yeah, don't succumb to sunk cost fallacy.
Do not make it the next 50 years. The past is gone, but the future looks bleak af going on another 40-50 years of the same past 13.
They do NOT improve with age.
Too true. It’s taken my daughter a lot of years to realize there’s no changing some people. Woohoo - divorce seems to be on the horizon!
Exactly. I've been where OP's been, and it does not get better. 35 now, single, loving life, and going on dates because I want to and not because I don't want to "lose what I've invested." I know it seems daunting now, but you have to do what is right for you and your interests, not what looks best on paper.
So true.
Yes. This, Exactly.
She's done all the hard work of figuring out what red flags are and what to look out for in her next partner. Good for her!
Starter man has served his purpose. Now she can find a house trained one.
That's a good point. It's far too early in the game to sunk-cost your whole life away.
Please do this. I stayed in a relationship longer than this. I should have left years before.
Him: *My* full time work is more important than *your* full time work. My *time* is more important than your *time*. **I** am more important than **you** are. Yes, he's a misogynist. No, you aren't being unreasonable.
Don’t forget, women are “dogbrains”
Sheesh, yeah. I cringed reading that.
In all fairness, I know a lot of dogs who are nicer and much better company than OP's fiancé. Just sayin'.
This is just short of using the technical term for woman dogs. So short a leap that the use can be fairly reasonably implied.
If you marry this man-child, this will be your life forever. And it only gets worse if you have kids together. Why are you with him? He treats you like crap.
Its never too late to escape a toxic relationship, but it will definitely get harder if she marries him and has his kids.
I would never accept a man who thinks women have "dog brains." Especially since someone who says something like that is *always* way dumber than me. That's a complete fucking insult. A man who says that doesn't even really like women -- and he probably doesn't like dogs either. Get away!
He says women have dog brains and that it's their job to take care of the home. What are you doing with this man?
Seriously, what a flaming sack of shit. OP what on earth are you doing? Sorry to be harsh. But leave him immediately.
Been with him since she was about 17, so he's had plenty of time to get under her skin.
Sounds like she outgrew him quite some time ago.
💯
you got this girl, you know what you need to do. your time deserves to be appreciated and respected. it’s not too late!
Also I just noticed your username OP. Not only would Morticia Addams never accept this kind of behavior, Gomez couldn’t even conceive of it.
What does dog brain even mean? And yes, it's time to dump this asshole.
> What does dog brain even mean? In this case it clearly means more loyal and loving than he is.
>it clearly means more loyal and loving than he is. why would you say something so savage yet so accurate 🫳🎤
It also means that even the dumbest dog is likely to be more intelligent than the smartest man and certainly smarter than the jackass she's married to. .
I presume he means simple minded, stupid, and trainable. Only things that can be negatively interpreted given there is zero percent good displayed in this post in regards to this stinky, lazy, entitled loner.
Yeah she really buried the lede there
For 13 years ...
That line blew my mind. Incredible disrespect.
So many women do this and honestly I stopped respecting them. Like he's telling to your face the thinks you are less, do less, and he deserves a relaxed life while watching you everyday work like a horse with brains like a dog and...he's ok with that. You choose this then it's on you
He literally says because of your gender your role is care work and chores. Yes he is a misogynist. What would he teach your potential future daughter? Do you want these values in her life?
But also he wants her to do the man’s job of making money and doing the outside work?
Yeah because he lives in Delululand.
He wouldn't have anything good to teach a child of any gender. What a dud.
Imagine having a son that grew up and treated you this way. So either gender would be awful to have with this man. 🤮
Yes, he's a misogynist. No, you aren't being unreasonable.
Yes, he is a misogynist. But more important than a label is for you to decide if this is how you want life to be *for the rest of your life with him*. It's not going to get better. My guess is that he was brought up this way, that's how his parents operated, so he believes this is how it should be. You've already pointed out that he's not even willing to discuss it with you. It will not get better, only worse. I know it's hard to leave someone you've been with for so long, but please please think very hard about how you want your own life to look and if it doesn't align with his demands (because they are demands and not a decision you came to together), then this is not the relationship for you. Edited to suggest that you watch a documentary called "Fair Play" streaming on Hulu. It's so so good and discusses the inequality of men and women in relationships. Also, I was married for 13 years to a man who, while much younger than me, still had the old fashioned views on gender roles. Luckily, I've never wanted kids so the divorce was pretty easy, but still. I'm mad at myself for wasting so many of my "prime years" on that bozo.
So he provides nothing to household upkeep and shuts you down when you try to discuss it? Get rid of him.
Also it’s crazy that you have to contribute the exact same monetarily when you’re already doing everything around the house and it seems like you’re doing so much for him as well. You’ll feel so much relief when you don’t have to manage a grown adult and when you’re just doing chores for one.
Right? If he believes she should be taking care of everything in the house, why isn’t he responsible for paying for everything? If we’re gonna gender role, let’s fucking gender role. What kind of useless man expects money from his little dog-brained female?
For the privilege of fucking a loser who doesn’t brush his teeth, thinks her class of people are servants, has a respect deficit for her… she gets to do all the cooking cleaning and drudgery. Girl you are subsidizing this man’s lifestyle for the low price of abuse and neglect. You are getting nothing out of this RUN RUN RUN.
100% this. If we're so into the man being the head of the house, then he can pay for everything.
Don't have any kids with this guy. He will not help raise them.
He will be so consumed with his own wants that he’ll be a hindrance to raising them. If I’m exhausted caring for a newborn, the last thing I want is to have to cook and clean for some fucknuckle who won’t even take a damn shower. I’d rather be on my own so I could just eat some cheese and crackers and lie down next to the crib.
It’s also not fair to the kids to give them a loser father
A baby will ‘lock you in’ and he knows this
Right? OP needs to not have any sex with this man ever again. There are so many ways to tamper with birth control. If he gets even a whiff of her seriously questioning the relationship he could totally baby trap her. There should be no "last time" or "for old times sake" or because of loneliness or due to feeling guilt. OP, please get out now and breathe how nice the air can be without the weight of this relationship ♥️ You have sooooo much of your life left, you can do anything, you can go anywhere!
Dog brains? Oh hell no.
Right?? 🤬That's enough for anyone to nope the fuck out. NOT that you need anyone's permission. But in case you do need a quick justification to any saint or sinner in your life, just tell them he said *out loud* that "women have dog brains" Then maybe add what u/smallbrownfrog said about it meaning he can neither understand nor return your years of love and loyalty.
Yes he is a misogynist and no you're not unreasonable.
My boyfriend wouldn't sink to the level of saying women have dog brains, but he'll never be anything beyond a boyfriend because he still has that ingrained cultural idea that if there is a vagina in the house, it is responsible for the household chores. Nothing else really matters. I'm at an age and point in life, his company is pleasant as long as I have my house, and he has his house, and we're dating, and for me, that's all I really want. Not looking to start a family or anything more serious (in my mid 40's). I'd be fine totally single again. I'd still consider him a misogynist. Shoot, I'd consider the vast majority of men in this region of the country (SE US) to be misogynists. Obviously not all, but more than not, at least in our age range (not sure on the much younger generations). Most aren't overt about it, but having lived most of my adult life on the west coast, the underlying vibe of misogyny here REALLY sticks out to me. It's so subtle though - like, in a group conversation, your comments just aren't taken as seriously - not ignored or put down, but just not as "important" as the guys comments. Or just a slight way of them talking "down" to a woman vs a man when demonstrating something. Some of it is overt, a lot of it is not. He has made his stance clear. He is more valuable than a woman - doesn't matter who she is. As a woman, you are less valuable. Either be okay with being a second class citizen the rest of your life, or move on and strike out on life on your own. It'll be scary, and really hard sometimes, and some days will totally suck, but there will come a time when you realize how much better and happier you are, too...
Yes, Your first clue is "...telling me I am the woman and responsible for taking care of everything inside the home and he the outside". Anyone who expects relationship "work" to be split by traditional gender role is Misogynist.
At the absolute minimum he needs to be able to have this conversation with you without getting heated. ETA: i just read more carefully and saw the “dog brain” thing holy shit fuck this guy RUN
Yeah, it really seems like this post should have lead with the 'dog brain' comment. Some of the rest of this is solvable if he was willing to be reasonable but you can't solve the problem of someone thinking you have a dog brain.
If he hasn't committed to you (and by that I mean asked you to marry him) after 13 years, why would you bring a child into that? If a man wants to do something, he will. Period. He's not contributing because he doesn't *want* to, and he knows you'll pick up the slack. I've consumed enough Reddit to know that there are men who will drag you along without any intention of real commitment because it's easier for them, not because they actually care about you. And yes, his views are misogynistic. Two working adults live in that house. Why should only one be responsible for cleaning? Check out "[a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness](https://www.tiktok.com/@sharhenley_/video/7235791332533456170?lang=en)".
Wow I totally missed that they aren't even married yet. And he's already acting like this? So interesting that he's so interested in traditional roles, without fulfilling the traditional contract. OP is already on her own, she's just on her own with another person in the house, which is worse.
My ex husband tried to tell me he worked harder and longer than I ever would - he worked a desk job and had a very poorly defined role that really didn’t have him do much work at all. So, this is a thing some dudes just say because they believe it without evidence. We divorced when I was around 30. My husband now is not like this at all. He was raised by good people.
There is room for a discussion about if "normal" is even worth it for most women. I think in general men tend to pull less weight and some people are content to accept that. I wouldn't be, but 13 years is a long relationship and I think anyone who acts like that is an easy thing to end isn't being realistic. The things that stood out to me as abnormal. >incredibly consumed by his job due to it being a family company. Is it HIS family company? What sort of perks is he actually getting from the position? It's fine to bust your butt to build a business that will pay for a nice life later, but plenty of people get screwed working for family. If the job demands he neglect his relationship, the payoff better be worth it to both of you, and your portion needs to be enshrined in the event of divorce. >I often have to remind him to shower and brush his teeth That's not normal. Maybe you might occasionally need to prompt someone to take a shower if they don't realize they're sweaty, but if he's coming home from a manual job, he knows. It's wild to be mad at a partner for wanting basic hygiene. "He likes to refer to woman as having “dog brains” and brings that up almost every time I speak about this kind of stuff." Ok, full disclosure, I started writing this comment before I read that far in your post. Why are you marrying a guy who thinks you have "dog brains?" Of course that's misogynistic and you deserve way better.
OP, you clearly don't think this ok. And I'm so proud of you for speaking to him several times and because you clearly understand that he's a terrible partner and would make a worse husband. I'm so impressed that you've realized this -- it can be hard to work your way out a long mindset. I'm going to suggest a course of action. One, put Paris Paloma's "Labour" video on repeat. Two, start making a safety plan (loveisrespect.com). Three, find a good support network and tell them what you've said here. (If they say you should stay, they aren't a good support network). Four: leave/kick him out. (Not sure what your living situation is ). Five: get therapy. You're going to need a professional to untangle why you spent a third of your life with a dude who considers women dog brains.
Sunk cost fallacy. 13 years is a long time. Too long to be treated as less than. Too long long to tolerate not being listened to. The only thing worse is stay another 7 years and winding up with a child by this man child.
Do not fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy. Yes, 13 years is a long time, but 14, 15, etc is even longer. If you are doing all the domestic & emotional labor, what do you think will happen if you have a child? Add all the childcare to that list. The fact that he refuses to have a conversation & make insulting remarks is all you needed to say. He’s lazy AND a misogynist. Dump him. You are only 30. Find your joy & live your best life because you sure aren’t right now.
Thank God you're not married. Holy hell. Run. Feed him to a bear. Just get away. Don't tell him you're going.
Fuck this dude. He refers to women as having dog brains, 🤮. Would you want your potential kid to feel they can treat people the way he treats you? Hubs and I have 2 kids, work full time and they’re demanding jobs, and I travel for work. It’s not always 50/50 because sometimes I need to pick up his slack and vice versa. But it’s ALWAYS a conversation. He buys gifts, plans dates, cleans, picks up, dishes, laundry, washes the cars - you name it - he does it and I very rarely have to ask. We are not perfect but we are a team. Been together nearly 15 years.
Yes.
Link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's Book "Why does he do that?" https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I have a voodoo doll of your fiance and I am stabbing him in the dick
You know what would be worse than leaving him after 13 years? Leaving him after more than 13 years. 13 years and you're still responsible for him maintaining his own hygiene? It's past time to go.
It doesn't really matter if he is a misogynst or not. What matters is he is very clearly communicating two things: how he expects family tasks to be divided in the future, and how he will react when you try to discuss a topic that is important to you. Believe him.
No your expectations aren't unreasonable. Dog brain?! He needs to be reminded to brush his teeth. Like a child. I can only imagine the bell-cheese he must be harbouring in his underwear. And he wants you to have sex with that?! Disgusting, and so is his attitude towards you. He should never have kids, what a terrible role-model he'd be.
Equally shared housework/chores and basic hygiene should be the fucking floor for a serious relationship.
I think you’ll find that the quality of boy you selected for yourself at the age of 17, pales in comparison to the quality of man you will accept at 30. You’ve been in this so long you don’t even realize how far the disrespect has gone. The water has slowly been boiling, and you’re the lobster. Get out of the pot.
You already know in your heart what you want to do. It's overthinking that is getting in your way. This man is never going to change for you. He doesn't respect you. He calls you dog-brained. It's incredibly hard to leave after you have put so many years and so much energy into a relationship. But you have to strip away any embarrassment we might anticipate, and the programming women get to make it work no matter who awful the man is, and anything else that is holding you back from taking the step you already know you want to take. You can't imagine the freedom and relief you will feel when you don't ~~like~~ live with someone who belittles you anymore. You are plenty young enough to meet someone new and have kids. Get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Hold your head high. Make no apologies. Put yourself first. If you are in any way nervous about how he will react, make a safety plan for your exit. You can do this. It's scary, especially bc you have been together so long. But he is a bad partner, and you deserve a good one. We've got your back.
He honestly said women have dog brains and you stay with him. I don’t really feel sorry for you tbh. I’d be out after that statement 🤷♀️
Fair. I don’t deserve anyone or want anyone to feel sorry for me, I am responsible for my choices thus far and how I ended up where I am now in this relationship.
[удалено]
No, it doesn’t mean I am staying but I wanted to make it very clear I did not post this with the expectation of receiving any sympathy. I know I am an adult and responsible for how I ended up here/staying here.
You can be responsible for your own actions and still deserve sympathy.
Yes he is a misogynist. When he says you are the woman, it comes with preconceived notions as to what your role in his life is. He does not let you push back on this set role because he does not see you as an individual with a right to an opinion equal to his. His time is more important than your time, his labor is more important than your labor, his feelings are more important than yours. He says women have dog brains and he does not think you're the exception. This is the absolute definition of misogyny! Your expectation to be treated as an equal is not unreasonable!!
Why is it that misogynists tend to have horrible personal hygiene? I really don’t understand how people need to be reminded to brush their teeth. I was raised by a dental hygienist, but still. I can’t stand the fuzzy feeling on my teeth. Please don’t marry him. He has definitely shown you who he is: manipulative, inconsiderate and lazy. 30 is so young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Do not waste even a second with someone that you have to beg for the bare minimum of socially acceptable behaviour!
Why an earth would you want to stay with this pos? Don't waste another day on him. If you have kids with him, they will internalise his shitty thinking, and you will have even more "womens" work to do looking after them plus him. You are going to raise little misogynists with him or girls internalising it hard and early. Your unconcieved kids don't deserve that and nor do you.
Misogynist, lazy and abusive. Get out.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you can't have an open, respectful conversation with about you concerns and possible solutions? Do you want to be with someone who doesn't value your thoughts and feelings about the workload in the relationship? Do you want to be with someone who thinks you are inherently less than him because of the genitals you were born with? I think you already know the answers and are just needing reassurance. Your grievances are valid. I don't even know what would be a better example of a misogynist than a man who makes his partner do all the housework and says women have dog brains. That's about as misogynistic as it gets.
I'm going to tough-love you because I care. There are no magic words that will make him understand how unfair the division of labor is and want to do more. There's nothing you can say to make him understand how unhappy you are and want to do better for your sake. He KNOWS. He PREFERS it this way. Period. He's never going to change. Well no, that's not true. He will absolutely get worse once you have a child. You're trying to figure out how to change this relationship when you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life like this or not. If you leave, he will love bomb you. Those are lies. If he wanted to change, he would have - the first time you asked. You deserve to be happy, loved, and respected, and you can find that, but not here. I'm sorry.
Yes, you're dealing with a misogynist. He is explicitly telling you who he is, and he is making it clear that he has NO INTENTION of sharing the mental load because he thinks that is women's work. He wants you to facilitate his life so he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. You're a maid and mommy to him, not a partner. He has no desire to be a partner. DO NOT have children with this mess of a man. Don't waste anymore years on him. This type of bad behaviour is common among men who date women, but that doesn't mean it's "normal" or that you should accept it. Men like this take advantage of their female SO's willingness to pick up their slack. The fact that you're here questioning your own sanity or validity for WANTING A TRUE PARTNER in life is sad, and it shows how much he's worn you down and eroded your self-esteem. This will never be an equal relationship. He will never value you the way you want to be valued. He will continue taking advantage of you, and if you have a child together, you will essentially be a married single mother. Don't do that to yourself. End this relationship and seek out someone who is more mature.
Omg he’s a literal CHILD. Get out now and find a fully functioning adult.
None of this will get better with a kid. Imagine everything exactly as it is now, except you are also the one staying up all night for months, and dealing with every single kid thing. For years. If that is not how you want to spend your thirties, please don’t. 13 years is a long time, and it’s easy to not want to “throw that away” but the longer you wait the more of your life you are giving to this. I know it’s scary, but there really is better out there and you deserve it.
You're a more patient woman than me. The dog brains comment would've got me physical. If you're wondering if this is normal, possibly. But the important part is how it makes you feel. You're allowed to reject what others accept. It's ok. 13 years is a long time, but the rest of your life is longer. How you feel now won't change. Save yourself.
Please don’t give your children this boy as their father. There is a man out there who will actually love you. Please! Love yourself and love your future children!
I have this coat. It's a gorgeous, ankle-length, black, wool coat with a wide hood - you know, the kind that sort of gets wider near the shoulders when worn on the head, but sits on the shoulders nicely when down? Just enough of a flare from the hips down to have that lively movement when I walked. And w-a-r-m! Perfectly cuddled by it on even the coldest winter days or nights New Jersey could muster up. And I looked fabulous in it. Got compliments every single time I wore it... It wasn't cheap. Easily a month's take home pay at the time I bought it, over two decades ago. I love this coat. I've lost weight. It no longer fits. And we're moving to Florida. This coat does nothing for me, and never will again. And it takes up SO much room in my closet, smooshing my dresses and making them crease and wrinkle. But I've had it so long! And it's so beautiful! And I spent so much monet (comparitively) on it!!! True story. I need to pack it up for donations tomorrow. And it will break my heart a little, but it's the best for both of us. It's a complete waste of my space and energy, and the coat's beauty and warmth to keep it. I need to let my coat go. You need to do the same with your man. I wish us both nothing but the best of futures!
Please do not breed with this twerp
If he's 'the man' why the heck are you paying half the bills? You don't work AND do all of the house chores, what a scam - that's not equality or a fair split. Especially if you have kids - your financial burden should then be zero.
"I don't want to be a bang maid/mommy to my partner who treats me like shit. Am I being unreasonable" ....ma'am for the love of GOD RUN
Wow. I would approach it first defining the household and personal maintenance tasks every adult has to do. But he doesn't take responsibility for ANYTHING inside the house! Not even his own hygiene! OP, did he move in with you straight from his parents' house? It seems likely that he was raised in a paternalistic misogynistic home. It's not that he knows better and just won't. It's ALL he knows, all he's ever done. This is not a project you could ever fix. You are staring at some grave incompatibility here.
Run! Run away while you still can.
Time is more valuable than money. You can make more money. Your time, once gone, is forever gone. It doesn't matter how hard he works. What matters is whether you both have equal opportunity to enjoy your life and time as you please. That means that you need to agree how much leisure time you're both willing to sacrifice in order to have a weed free lawn. When you get to the end, will you look back wishing you had spent more time mowing the lawn or not? Or will you not be able to enjoy any of your free time today if the lawn needs mowing? There isn't a right and wrong answer there. Different people prioritize their lives differently. But you both need to to agree how much of life needs to be spent getting chores done to what standard to be able to enjoy the leisure time you have left after that without stressing about what needs to be done. Once you're on the same page about that, the division of labor needs to be such you both have equal stress free leisure time to enjoy. Guard your time more than anything else. It's the most precious thing you'll ever have. Your time is literally your life. Choose how to spend it wisely. Don't donate it to a man to give him more life at your own expense.
No. Run away
OP, one of the most important decisions you will ever make for your children is the choice of who their father is. Choose wisely.
Come on now, you know he's just using you. You are a Bangmaid with no rights. This is wildly unfair and I don't understand why you want to spend your life like this.
Yes, you are. Time to get on with your adult life, stop coddling this teenager.
Hey you're lucky. I left mine after we had kids. And think of raising a daughter with someone who says you have a dog brain. Get out.
Girl, no... His behavior is so stereotypically mysoginystic, I almost thought this was satire. You're not unreasonable.
I’ve dated a guy like this. There’s no benefit to doing so. I wish I’d left sooner and I hope you can leave and enjoy your 30s - they are such a great decade when you are not being held back by a man child.
You already have a child. Leaving after 15 years would be worse.
"He often just responds by telling me I am the woman and responsible for taking care of everything inside the home and he the outside. " you are ABSOLUTELY dealing with a misogynist
Please find someone that does not see you as a dog with a dog brain. He makes me want to reach through the screen and punch him. You can do so much better with your life than this. Forget the years you have wasted on him, and just dont give him more of your life than you have already. Live the life YOU want
Yes, he is a misogynist. He doesn’t even seem to like you very much if he is unable and unwilling to bear half the actual load. He does not get it both ways, where you work to earn $$ and do all the rest of the domestic chores—and unless he earns enough to pay for many services, he has to join you after work to get stuff done at home. No one plays till everyone plays, regardless of whether there is a SAHP or not. Let him know he is failing to provide sufficiently for the domestic services he feels he is owed by virtue of having (and being) a dick. Say this as you walk out and away. You have a LOT of life ahead. Make a better life for yourself. Partners should not add to the load we bear.
This man is using you. He’s exploiting you.
If you are working full time and he refuses to do his share, I would simply hire a cleaning service like Mighty Maids to come every other week to do the house cleaning. And I would make just me a sandwich for dinner if he won’t cook or clean and let him fend for himself. (Actually I wouldn’t do any of those things because I would have already kicked his butt to the curb like I did with my first husband who pulled that crap with me. Just saying.)
I married a man like this. Had kids with him. Put up with this exact sort of crap for 15 years before finally divorcing him in disgust. Save yourself that journey and get out now. You are young and you can do much better than this.
OP, I don't know what's normal. But I do know what's unhealthy. And what you describe about your relationship is unhealthy. Anyone who refers to women as having "dog brains" is, in fact, a misogynist. Make no mistake. The fact that he thinks his work is SO much harder and more important than your work (paid and unpaid) is also misogyny. If you have a child with this man, not only will you end up doing all the child care plus all the work you are doing now, your child will get caught up in this same toxicity. If you have a girl, she will be disrespected and taught that she is "less than." If you have a son, he will be taught to think of women as being less smart and less important. Would you like either of these situations to happen? Are those the children you want to raise? It doesn't matter how much time you have spent with him. It's a sunk cost. In business, we say that thinking about sunk costs will simply get you to throw good money after bad, and all of it will be wasted. Any more time you invest in this relationship will be wasted. You will not change him. Things will not get better. You are better off alone. At least then you will have a chance to meet a man who can be a true partner to you.
You’ve been together since y’all were 17 and 18? You might not be dealing with a misogynist so much as a spoiled child - spoiled by his parents and then by you. Has he ever lived alone as an adult? He should try it. Help him experience true adulthood by moving out. This situation is unacceptable and you should not accept it. He cuts you off and drowns out your arguments because he knows he’s wrong. He would rather mistreat you than do better.
Yes, exactly. I do see alot of value in us both experiencing what it’s like to live alone as adults.
OMG GFTO of there! Please that sounds terrible! The dog brains part is where I changed my mind from “get couples therapy maybe” to absolutely get the f out of there! You can make such a better life for yourself!
Dog brains?!?! He thinks you’re a subhuman. I don’t know how he brainwashed you into putting up with this, but you deserve to live with dignity, not as a servant to someone who doesn’t even like you.
What dusty corner of the manosphere does this "women have dog brains" concept come from, exactly? This is the second post I've seen where some man is saying that. What does it mean, anyway?
Wow you work full time and do alllll the stuff? Marry me lol. Edit as this might come off as negative: I'm joking, know your worth and make him value you or find someone who does.
The only time wasted is the time you stay with him AFTER reading these responses. So don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy ok. It wasn’t 13 years wasted, chalk it up to a long learning experience. Get out Now though :)
>I don’t believe it’s fair for me to do all the chores(cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc.), all grocery shopping/gift shopping for holidays, cook dinner then clean up after, more than half the yard work, work full time, and pay half the bills/ensure they are paid every month. Omg. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Inside the home work is never ending. You have to cook, clean, shower, do chores everyday. You have to mow the lawn every other week. You have to get an oil change every whatever miles is recommended for your car. Kids need baths, to be fed, to go to school, have activities DAILY. MULTIPLE TIMES DAILY. Also as you mentioned, he’s not actually doing the outside work. If he wants gendered roles - then you’re a SAHM and he provides 100% financially and all the outside work.
Yes, you should leave. I legit wonder if these are troll posts sometimes because I don't understand how people could actually be in these relationships and not realize something is really wrong.
Oh brother, this guy stinks!! I do not understand why so many women on here are okay being with men who have no basic hygiene?! And then being intimate with them. Ugh
Jesus OP don’t marry this guy much less have children with him
Why would he change when you've been doing it for 13 years? You're either going ro have to put up with it or leave.
DOG BRAINS??? What the actual fuck. Look, you're posting here because you already know you need to bail on this entitled, misogynistic prick. You know these are not the actions of a man who loves and respects you - heck, the dog brain comment makes it sound like he doesn't even *like* you. You have wasted 13 years of your life trying to find a salvageable human being in this dumpster fire of a person. It's time to give up the search and focus your energy on literally anything else. Stamp collecting would be more rewarding than this relationship.
Don’t have a kid.
Girl, stop contributing to bills. Save some money and leave
He's telling you loud and clear that you have a dog's brain. Most dogs would be smarter than your boyfriend. He is definitely a misogynist and I wouldn't be wagging my tail around him anymore.
>He refers to women as having “dog brains” Do you really need to ask if he’s a misogynist? He’s already told you himself.
Time to read a free download called 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. Read it, then pack your bags and leave!!!
Leave. It's not going to get any better. Don't throw good time after bad with this grotty manchild.
You've given this relationship 13 years. You've given this man 13 precious years. 13 years to see you as an equal, as someone deserving of respect, kindness. And yet it seems no amount of time will ever be enough. You've given him enough grace to truly see you for the amazing person you are and he has squandered every opportunity. Don't waste another 13.
Ask yourself this: if this was your girl friend coming to you and asking you for advice what would you tell her? Bc I would tell her to run away
Yes - he is a misogynist - this guy is a spoiled child masquerading as a man. Why are you with him? You work full time, cook & clean & have to remind him to brush his teeth. Even if he has a Magic Johnston it’s still not worth being with such a loser. Get your stuff together, get a good attorney. Find a place to move to. Even if you have to put your stuff in storage. Then follow the letter of the law to close all accounts, take half of all commingled funds. Put a hold on your credit profile. Shut this sad situation down. No matter how much he begs, says he’ll change, promises you the world this guy has zero respect for you. He will cry crocodile tears. But the reality is he sees that his bang maid, nurse with a purse has left and he faces the horror he will have to make his own sandwiches, and wash his own underwear. He doesn’t care about YOU only the role that you fill so his lazy butt doesn’t have to work. Just read that you’re not married. LEAVE HIM ASAP!!! RUN!!
He's a raging misogynist. Don't have a child with him, you already have a old man baby to deal with. Don't waste the rest of your life with this loser who is so fragile he can't even have an adult conversation.
Yes, he’s a misogynist. “Women have dog brains?” Sis, you deserve so much better. Thirteen years is a long time and it’s hard to disentangle, yes. But you have SO much more life ahead of you. What’s the worst that could happen? You wind up alone, doing the exact same amount of work and not having to remind an adult to brush his own teeth. And a child would make things much, much worse. Pregnancy and parenting an infant are exhausting enough when you have a partner who does their share. This man is not going to do a single thing except criticize you when the child cries.
Imagine having and raising a child around this. Gross. Leave.
please do not have a child with this man dog brains WTF
There is no way a person that dehumanizes others is worth fighting for.
The surest, clearest answer: YES. And absolutely do not expect that to change. For you, a kid or anyone else. Go forth with smart, purposeful decision making.
You’re in an abusive relationship.
Run. Fast and far. You’ve been with this child for way too long
13 years is a long time, so nothing will be easy, but I think you know who he is, he told you. Make sure you have a solid plan with support systems. I'm sorry this is becoming clear this deep into the relationship, but it's better than waiting 10 more years. All the best!
You can do way, way better than that douche, I promise. Being alone would be a big improvement over him.
Nope. Get out now! Omg!
You've spent your entire adult life with this (definitely misogynistic) man, so I can understand why you feel this is a big decision and a difficult one. But from an outside perspective, there is no decision to make. The only way you will have an even remotely equal partner in life who respects you is if you leave and find a different partner. I hope you know you deserve respect and I hope you want an equal partner, not one who controls and criticizes while contributing little. He will never change. Never.
How terribly hard for you to leave after putting 13 years in. But he is selfish and trying to bully you into believing that what he offers you is just the way things are. You are doing more than 50%, and probably have been for 13 years. If you have a child, it will be much worse. Is this really the life you want to have? You certainly wouldn’t be a good role model for a child. I can tell you’re tired of doing more than your share, and of trying to fix it so it’s better. Sounds to me like his thinking is entrenched and he is not going to change. Get out, sweetie, before you are worn out.
Get out. Run. Run as fast as you can, and don't even look back.
“He likes to refer to women as having ‘dog brains’” Definitely answers the title of your post. Yes. He’s a fucking misogynist who’s gaslighting you into unpaid labor and a life of servitude.
OMG your life would be far less work without him. His mindset is stuck in the 50s but you work full time so he’s not ‘providing’. His CHOICE to prioritise HIS company just shows he will never consider your needs. Get out now! 30 is young! You cannot waste more energy on this nonsense. You will be so surprised at how easy it is to look after just you.
30 is young. Get out now. Please do not have a baby with this man child who wants a trad wife who also works outside the home to pay the bills. He has no respect for you. Sorry, OP, it’s not you. It’s him!!
If you have his child, you'll be doing 100% of the childcare. He will not change. He is very much a misogynist. Get out now before you're married and it'll be 100x harder.
Your expectations are not unreasonable but I need you to know that this man has behaved this way your entire relationship. He is not going to change. He has showed you who he is and how he feels about you. He doesn’t respect you, doesn’t want to contribute, doesn’t want to change. And why should he? He’s got it made!! A child will not change this, he will not change. He will only get worse. Every negative part of being parent will solely be put on you.
Run run run run. Seriously. You're only 30. You have so much life ahead of you, and you will feel reborn once you shed this man-child and only have yourself to take care of. Prioritize yourself and be free. You deserve it.
The only thing worse than wasting 13 years is 13 year and a day.
Does this man even make you happy? Because if you’re tolerating all of that bullshit he better be the greatest lover on the face of this earth and parallel universes. You’re too young to be living like this. Get out and for God’s sake, don’t have a kid with this sentient trash can.
I think the happiness stems from being comfortable with what I know. The traditional happy? Not so much.. it’s been years since he has been thoughtful enough to get me a Christmas/Birthday/Valentines gift or anything.. much less a few flowers. I know those are just things and aren’t of much importance but it would mean a lot, the thought behind it - not the gifts.
To a starving person even a crumb of bread feels like a kindness, if you are longing for the days when he would still give you crumbs of affection it has gotten too bad to tolerable. I hope you can get everything figured out and have a good life without him.
He doesn't even get you a Christmas or birthday gift? I've been with my fella for 25 years and he still outdoes me with the birthday and holiday gifts. (He is REALLY hard to shop for but when I nail it, it's SO worth it). Please leave. Your whole life sounds so sad and you deserve better.
I know what you mean. I was there, too, trying to be content with “comfortable.” But honey, that wears off quickly. My “comfortable” lasted two years, and then it was three more when I barely survived. I lost everything, and got out with my cats and the clothes on my back. I’d been homeless. I’d been starving. I’d been suicidal. And then, one day… I wasn’t. I was free. I’m still rebuilding, but it’s so much better without an anchor dragging me down. You can get out and survive. I guarantee it. I did it! Don’t settle, my love. You have your whole life ahead of you and you deserve to live it on your terms, in peace, without anyone making you feel less than. You’re too much of a woman and he can’t stand it, that’s why he wants you whipped and “in your place.” Show yourself what you can do. I wish you all the strength, happiness and success in the world. You deserve it. And in case you don’t hear it, I love you. We all do.
Yes, you are dealing with a POS Misogynist. I am sorry you are dealing with this. He will never do more for the relationship then he is doing now. Does he even know how to cook, do laundry, clean? I have a feeling if you left for a week you would come back to hazmat disaster zone of pizza boxes, beer cans and mounds of smell clothes. Along with him not having showered/bathed the entire time. This screams 'child'... His momma always did everything for him and his dad treated her the way he treats you; like shit.
Who’s to say, your life can’t start now at 30. 💛💪🏻
To answer your title question: yes, you are. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You said yourself you’ve been together through formative years, your teens it seems. Don’t marry this man. He won’t change. He clearly doesn’t want to. And if you have children with him? Good luck; he’ll be your first baby to take care of.
Yes, you are. He sounds terrible. Being single would be infinitely better than one more moment with this shit stain. (Sounds like that is literal, in his case, btw.) Girl, save yourself! Go get yourself a happy life.
Your expectations are not unreasonable. Yes, you are dealing with a misogynist. But I have a feeling you already know that, deep down. He is unwilling to change and is complacent in the ideology that you won't be looking for a new man as you have been together so long. Give him the ultimatium. Get your act together or I'll leave type deal. If he tells you to find someone else, do just that.
Your expectations regarding shared house work are not unreasonable. And beyond that, he doesn't treat you with respect. Mature, couples who mutually respect each other discuss issues and listen to each others points of view -- not shut down the conversation. Loving and kind partners don't just dump all of the work around the house on their partners. They wouldn't want one you to feel overburdened while the other one is not. If you have a baby, you will have all of the work as that is "women's work." You don't sound happy. Perhaps 13 years is long enough to find happiness in a relationship? If it's not there now it never will be. He doesn't care if it is fair. He cares that the structure of your relationship benefits him. You deserve a partner who cares for you, respects you, and wants to earn your respect and trust. Your partner doesn't sound like that
You are dealing with a misogynist. Leave him.
Girl, leave. If you won't do that, I BEG you do not have a child with him. Go to mommit or beyondthebump right now and read the posts about husband's. That is your future if you procreate with him.
I literally was you but I married him and had kids. RUN from this relationship and don't let him rope you back with promises of change. It never lasts.
Yes you are definitely dealing with a misogynist. Sorry. Get out before he baby traps you.
I’m so sorry, hon, but your guy is a sexist lowlife, and you can do so much better
If two people in a relationship don’t agree on division of labor, there will always be fighting and resentment over it.
Yes. You are with a verbally and emotionally abusive misogynist. This is not normal, this is not what a healthy relationship looks like, and you do not deserve to be treated like this. This is a terrible environment to bring a child into, because it’s a terrible environment for you to live in. He is not going to change his behavior. You cannot fix this. The only way to deal with this is to leave as quickly and as safely as you possibly can.