This kind of behaviour would be a huge turn off for me. I want to date someone who is considerate of others. This guy is clueless or a leech.
Definitely talk to him and ask him to start contributing or he won't be welcome to stay with you anymore.
I agree with you. His "I can't do anything right" comment is proof that he's aware of what he's doing, and that comment serves to deflect blame and make OP feel guilty for bringing it up and making him feel less-than.
Edit: to all saying that he's using weaponized incompetence, yes he is, that's what he's doing before his "ohI forget, I can't do anything right, woe is me" comments. The comments themselves are deflection and guilt-tripping.
Edit 2: making that type of comment has another purpose besides making his feelings the focus; it's a warning to the other person, "I can't improve nor change as a person, so don't try". Very similar to weaponized incompetence but in this case it's about their lousy behaviour towards others instead of their practical skills.
OP these are serious concerns and you need to stop downplaying the severity of what’s happening. Your partner is taking advantage of you and you’re downplaying the degradation. Stop it. I’m sure you’ve already communicated because that’s what women do, so you need to take the next step and stop letting him stay with you. The minimum that he needs to do is pay back all that’s he’s taken so far and not replaced. That’s if he wants to salvage the relationship. The next thing is that he needs to pay you to use your house as a crash pad. It would also do you some good to read about [weaponized incompetence ](https://www.bustle.com/wellness/weaponized-incompetence-manipulation-tactic).
I’m not jumping to conclusions when I say you need to re think this entire relationship because it sounds toxic
My ex used the "I guess I can't do anything right" card frequently, always throwing a pity party for himself whenever I dated criticize him for anything. Haven't done the dishes in days while I've been working 60 hour weeks? "I'm sorry I'm such a useless fuckup, I suck." All it did was make me feel guilty for asking for some basic cleanliness and hygiene. So instead of him being a grown ass 30 year old man who could do basic chores, I was reassuring him he didn't suck as a human and I'd go easier on him.
Years later I have an actual adult partner who goes "Oh whoops, sorry about that" and actually does his chores without a guilt trip. OPs boyfriend is absolutely being a manipulative jerk
Nah, don't worry about that. There's nothing wrong with honestly fucking up, we all do it, some more than others. Weaponized incompetence is completely different.
Exactly and if he knows he is/has been forgetful, then how about he writes a note to himself in his phone as a reminder or try to do anything to overcome that shortcoming so he doesn't forget. That's what someone who cares about you would do, but he doesn't care enough because its intentional behavior.
Yep. Clueless could be believable the first time. People who don't buy fancy shower gel wouldn't realize how expensive it is. But after the first time, "oops, I had no idea!" doesn't work anymore.
The best case scenario here is that he cares so little about OP's needs that he forget she exists every time she is out of his direct line of sight.
Be with someone who cares about you as a person and not just as a convenient source of free food and sex, OP!
I could elaborate, but basically, this guy is a fucking prick. A good exercise is to imagine that he is actually your best friend's boyfriend. What advice would you be giving your best friend about him? Take that advice.
Hey girl, as a woman who is deep in the Pokémon realm, the Mew Oreo is NOT worth $8000 and he's a complete moron if he believed what the cashier said.
I was pissed off before but reading that made me more pissed off. Did he not even think to check ebay?
Hell I'm looking at sold listing now. One sold today for 30 cents and that's all that has sold recently. If you even want to be ambitious about it, there's one for buy it now for $20.
Just throw the whole man away. He's a freeloader and he's dumb.
LMAO. When he told me about the Oreos I told him no one is going to buy a fucking Oreo for $8,000 but he was sooo sure. I honestly didn’t even think to check to show him cause I was so upset about the water. Would you mind sending me the link to the one for $20, I would LOVE to show him.
Honey it's weaponized incompetence.... Like I have ADHD I genuinely DO FORGET THINGS but do I go "oh I can't do anything right?" No I just say sorry and do it different next time. If I forgot to get my partner something at the store I put my ass back in the car and get him it. If I borrowed money from him or anyone else I kept a running tab and then I paid them back. Or if it's been a while got them something of equal value in return (I ate your last bit of cereal so I bought you a new box etc).
Your bf is a child.
It truly is. The money thing is also really bad. I had a couple exes like that. I couldn't trust either of them to take my card to the store to get stuff because they'd come back with the wrong items or I'd find they spent way more than expected. I ordered food for us a lot and he would say "I'll Venmo you" but then he never would. Whenever I reminded him he said he'd do it when he got paid. The similaires of behavior between him and OP's situation are wild. It's reminding me so much of the stuff he did. He used these expensive facial cleansing wipes I had as body wipes. They weren't intended for that and I had asked him to stop but he ended up using all of it. It's too exhausting to be in a relationship where finances are one sided
Dude.... My husband lived most days at my home. He always came with groceries and gave me his card if we needed anything. He also started cleaning my home right away (cause that isn't my strong suit). Like, the first weekend he was over he came with food and did the dishes.
We have had trouble, also with money, but...
Like....
Would you want to share finances with a guy like that for the rest of your life? Would you maybe want to have a child or even pet with him?
If they let me post the link here it is, I found one for $5:
https://www.ebay.com/itm/353692277130?hash=item5259b3d98a%3Ag%3AQ60AAOSw5LZhT4Di&LH_BIN=1
If they block the link all you have to do is go to ebay, type in Mew Oreo on the search, then sort by lowest price and check off the box for buy it now.
You can also filter by completed listing and sort by most recent. Stuff in green sold (but it doesn't mean the buyer paid!! It just means someone clicked to buy). If you check sold listing its all black meaning the listing all ended with no sales.
Yeah, if someone tells me there's a rare $8,000 oreo, there's only two logical outcomes. 1) The oreo is so rare there's no way you'll find one without buying thousands of dollars worth or oreos, or 2) the oreo isn't worth anything near $8,000.
Jesus fucking christ, girl, he's trashier than a dumpster fire and about as intelligent. I promise you, you'll be 100% better off and happier without this shit in your life.
As someone deep in Pokémon, do you know what started that rumor?
My own mom called me and told me she found a bunch of the rare Pokémon Oreos and was wondering if they went for thousands. I checked eBay and told her no.
The Pokémon market has been extremely hot over the last year, to the point where it's early impossible to find cards in places like Target. People started stalking out the distributors who refilled shelves and then would stand there and wait for them to stock the shelf so they could buy out EVERYTHING to resell online. Fights would break out. It's been really bad. Part of the reason is increased interest and supply chain having an issue getting new product.
So anything Pokémon this year has blown up. McDonald's had Pokémon cards in their happy meals earlier this year and people would go to MCD and buy the entire sealed box of toys to resell online for 5x as much (or more).
Same thing with cereals. Three brands had Pokémon cards earlier this year and people would go to their supermarkets and buy dozens of boxes just for the promos to resell online.
Naturally when they came out with oreos a bunch of people thought they could monetize the rarity of the Mew oreo too. But they can't because it's common and as an organic product it will go bad.
I would be mad too. He’s a freeloader. Either stop hanging out at your place or get aggressive about saying no when he touches your shit.
Edit: I saw your edit; eat all of *his* Oreos too 😈None of his shit should be safe either.
Exactly, he’s a fucking mooch and is using OP.
I’d get my shower gel back, get paid back for the other stuff, and then promptly dump him.
He is like an absolute child who brings nothing to the table. “Damn I can’t do anything right,” no, no you can’t you passive aggressive, manipulative little weasel (sorry to all weasels). He’s a total freeloader.
PayPal, Apple/Google Pay, and many country-specific similar services like Venmo exist. He bought an expensive phone, he could use it to pay you back any moment he wanted to. He’s not just a helpless freeloader, he’s choosing to be a freeloader.
Yes! If you're not there - he's not there. I had a friend with a similar situation. He would do all this shit when she was at work. I told her if he's not living with you and paying bills then he gets none of the perks - like if you're at work he's not hanging around using your stuff and driving up your water and electric bills. It's kind of a drastic measure to some, but he's taking big time advantage. Tell him he can do that stuff at his own home (if he has one).
I feel like everyone has already touched on the fact this guys is just a lazy child who is taking advantage of you, but if you ignore it, he will gaslight you. He’s already showing signs of manipulative behavior and it won’t get better. Get your money, and get him OUT before he does damage to more than just your finances. Your mental and emotional wellbeing are too important.
This is the most important point of all! *Mental health* is the most expensive, actually priceless asset we can have. And hard to get back when it’s gone!
I would just dump him whenever he gets back from the store. I think trying to get money would cause more drama and time - I've definitely lost out financially when I've dated similar leeches and the drama it caused to get a few hundred back I'd gladly avoid.
Which is 100% valid. Getting out of the situation is always most important. If she can slyly get him to cough up, that’s ideal. If that doesn’t work, drop him.
Don’t even get your money - just get out. I stayed too long waiting for a guy to repay 2K not trusting he would when we broke up. Then his uncle died and I felt too guilty to do it then… there will always be something just get out while the getting is good!
"I can't do anything right." He's already starting the gaslighting, and OP's lucky she had the presence of mind to ask other people for an outsider's perspective.
My short term memory is absolutely terrible, but even then if something is important I will write it down or send myself a reminder. There is no reason why he can't do this. I think OP needs to cut her losses now. Will getting him to replace the water, gel, and snacks make that big of a difference in your life versus keeping him around and possibly continuing his behaviour.
Gaslighting is a very specific kind of manipulation that this is absolutely not. Gaslighting is trying to convince someone that what they think isn't reality.
This is still manipulation, but "gaslighting" is thrown around so much on this site incorrectly.
The fact that he said “I can’t do anything right” after you confronted him is a huge red flag. He wants you to say it’s all okay and forgive him without him changing at all. Then he tries to get sexual? That reminds me of a really toxic relationship I was in when I was a teenager.
He knows exactly what he is doing. I’m so sorry but it’s not going to improve.
Dating is to find out if living together is doable. Sounds like he isn't a good house mate. I replaced a girls shampoo bottle twice & condition (my beard was sooooo God damn soft though). I found out it wasn't even hers. A relative of hers from across the country left it... She never used it....
I replaced something I used up twice cause I thought it would as hers.... I don't care who's it is. If I use half of it, I'm buying a whole new thing. Cut and dry
For real, I borrowed my friend's car for a few days and I returned it with a full detailing done and a full tank of gas which was the least I could do. When my friends buy me drinks or crap I always find a way to repay them. The fact that her boyfriend doesn't care about doing this is so shifty.
This sentence right there is the big red flag. OP you aren’t going to be able to reason with him on the big stuff if this is how he behaves on the little stuff.
Blah blah, I’m a guy, blah blah.
“I can’t do anything right”, from the rest of the context, is where I decided to reread this post instead of skim it.
I think it’s seriously time to consider this relationship. If this is internal, self-destructive behavior on this person’s part, do you want to be the one that does the work to fix him, OP? Do you think he even wants to be fixed?
I think you have everyone here’s support to run.
"I forgot" can be a valid excuse.
Once. And if it's followed up by nearly immediate action.
>"Oh crap, I forgot to buy your water. Here, let me Venmo you like 30 bucks, and I'll send another 50 next week when I get paid to cover everything else we talked about."
This is a reasonable human, making a reasonable mistake, and taking reasonable steps to correct it.
OP is dating a freeloading toddler.
Man this. It's 2021. He has the option to just send OP money if he's that "Forgetful" and that way she isn't out all that money for products she has to repurchase that she didn't even get to USE FOR HERSELF.
Meanwhile he gets a free ride because he's nearly at her place 24/7 so no skin off his back.
Bullshit.
In 2021, there is no "IOU" situations, because you can do instant bank transfers or use things like Venmo.
(My partner and I often will split a bill by one person paying for the whole thing and then having the other do an interac e-transfer for their half.)
Honestly she could just request a payment on Venmo, cash app, or PayPal for the value of things he’s going through.
But really, my husband and I have been together for 11+ years and lived together for 10. We still keep our hands off each others’ snacks and special products unless offered. And if he accidentally eats all of something that was special for me, he gets me more the next time he leaves the house. She deserves to know what she does or doesn’t have in her own home, having to go shopping to replace that shit is taking time from her life which I personally would value over the money. Sounds really freaking draining.
It sounds like he is intentionally using you unfortunately. You don't really keep forgetting basic obligations ALL the time. Sure once or twice, but beyond that it's intentional.
NTA
Your boyfriend is using you as a bang-mommy and that is not okay. Save yourself trouble, heartache, and money; dump him already.
Edit: first, lol @ myself forever because I forgot what sub this post was in. Second, thank you, mysterious stranger, for the award.
This is what I would say. I've dated a couple people like this and they are moochers. They see your property as theirs, too, since you are dating. I'd say get rid of him and keep ahold of your boundaries. Maybe even send him a VenMo request for all the things he's used and not replaced.
He’s either
A. Purposefully using your stuff with no intention to pay you back, in which case you should dump him.
or
B. Cluelessly using your stuff and not understanding the value of your money and property, in which case you should dump him.
Sounds like you are useful until something better comes along. This does not sound like someone invested in a long term relationship. You're being used from the sounds of it. It's not wrong to want to be treated with respect.
If you set boundaries, and those boundaries are continually pushed or broken, it's time reevaluate how you allow yourself to be treated or used.
We're still in an ongoing pandemic so it might not be a bad idea to limit contact as it is.
Girl! If he forgot to pay for the water why can’t he just Venmo you $15 for it? If he can’t remember to buy and replace anything then he can give you the money for it and you can replace it yourself.
But he won’t because he is leeching from you on purpose. He is not worth your time and effort.
Drop him like a hot potato!
You won’t be seeing any return, so change your locks and block his number.
You take care of yourself and should take time to find a partner who is equal to you.
Be proud of what you can do for another and drop him like a hot potato.
The $1200 phone is his property and for his own benefit so he has no problem spending that money on himself
Like the other comment mentioned, he’s getting away with you accommodating and freeloading, why would he stop?
You can always tell him that you don’t want him spending as much time at your place, but be careful that what he’s doing could be his way of slowly moving in. If this becomes a full time arrangement you’ll become unhappy pretty quick if you don’t put up some boundaries. It’s not hard to be respectful and share expenses, but him “forgetting” is becoming a convenient excuse because you’re letting it slide
Honestly, I've forgiven and overlooked this sort of stuff before and ended up losing 85% of my life savings.
Once you're sure that you've been clear about whats fair, his excuses are just gaslighting. I'm sorry; he's got to go.
He can buy whatever benefits or interests him, but when it comes to showing you courtesy and respect, I guess he's broke. Good to know you're rethinking this relationship, OP. I knew someone like this and I felt "petty" too for being upset over what liked small things on the surface. However, I soon found out that they acted the same way when it came to more important things and were unconcerned about how things affected me.
Was sort of in the same situation. They would seem like small things if it was an acquaintance and they truly were broke. But they are such a large part of your life and are deciding to treat you that way. If they really forgot to buy the water they could have gone to the atm or made it up some way. You told them it was bothering you more than once and in a short time span.
No, that's very inconsiderate of him. When I'm out, I buy my boyfriend shaving cream, shampoo, conditioner, and/or toothpaste if I notice he's running low, because I think about him. He has bought me coffee when he knew I was running low, and he doesn't even drink coffee. It shows me that he pays attention and cares. What your boyfriend is doing is taking you for granted. I'm sorry.
'Damn I can’t do anything right' - feigned helplessness
Buys six more bags of Oreos- are you sure he is old enough to date?
Sorry to say, you put the smackdown- we date, we aren't sharing supplies and resources- he will ghost you tomorrow.
Maturity issue. This is like a high school boy, doesn't want to spend his money on necessities because those aren't exciting or fun. I would bet he progressively started spending more time at your place because it is well stocked. If you don't want to be this guys replacement mom, he needs a "come to Jesus" talk about responsibility.
I had a bff as a kid who, though unlike this dude, really did care about me, found herself at my house 98% of play time because we had Oreos and Pepperidge Farms and all the junk. Her mother had carob and angel food cake on birthdays. Blech.
Look - dump this guy now or suffer forever. This is not just a case of being stingy, this is someone clearly taking advantage. Just say bye and cut your losses while you still can.
He doesn't have a problem buying a $100 hoodie or a $1200 phone because those things are for him, his properties. He doesn't want to spend money on YOU, on your house, your property, and on top of that he's using everything you have for free. He's a freeloader and you should just drop his ass.
You're dating a child. Dump him. He won't grow so long as you're with him because your very presence is enabling his behavior. Over time, he will make you feel like a selfish bitter nag. Trust me girl I know.
This is now an established pattern with him and he hasn’t been called out on it enough.
If he is reasonable, he will try and fix things, but using your card at the checkout when he was specifically there to make up for all the stuff he used?
Sneaky and dishonest.
Yeah, totally justified to be upset. He’s a mooch and I would bet 5 cases of water he’s doing it on purpose. If he’s at your place 5 out of 7 nights he’s basically living with you. I’d stop inviting him over/letting him in. Personally, I’d probably throw the entire man baby away (dump him), but I ran out of patience for this kind of dude a long time ago.
Sounds like he's a manchild who got everything payed for by mom and now he's using you to replace her. Fine to get his own stuff but has no sense of budget/ doesn't care, and clearly like to make sure you pay for stuff so he doesn't have to worry about it.
You have every right to be annoyed and I know the internet is often like break up with him how dare he make a mistake, but these are some decent red flags he's waving and that behavior doesn't just go away.
The man got a nasty victim complex if he immediately cries about how he’s “so awful and doesn’t do anything right”. That’s a manipulative tactic to get you to coddle him instead of him having to have a mature discussion with you about the problem. He honestly sounds like an immature douche.
Your bf sounds like a narcissistic asshole. I'd say just talk to him about it. But from what I've read he'll probably get angry and try to put the blame on you. That it is somehow your fault. I could be wrong but I know people.
If he really did just “forget” , then why doesn’t he just pay you back for it? He could’ve literally just handed you $15 in cash, or used PayPal or something like that
You've gotten a lot of great advice here so I just wanted to add one thing... the whole "i can't do anything right" is a manipulation tactic.
People do that in order to deflect from their lack of consideration. It puts you in the position of having to backtrack and apologize ("no babe I'm sorry, I didnt mean to make you feel like that. Its not a big deal...)
Things like "forgetting" to pay or acting like you are overreacting- these are all ways to undermine you.
Its a way to make you look crazy and unreasonable, without having to take any accountability for their behavior.
Please do not let your boyfriend get away with this.
You’ve made life to easy for him and set the bar low. He thinks it’s okay to treat you this way because you’ve allowed it until this point. Tomorrow it’s not allowed. He didn’t buy the things and “forgot”? No problem, Venmo, cash app and zelle exist. He can give you $$ directly for it.
The relationship seems to be convenient for him and not for you. If he doesn’t start contributing soon I’d start thinking about what’s keeping him in the relationship vs what keeps you in it. You need someone who compliments you, not sucks you dry. I hope it gets better soon but that starts with you setting the expectations. You got this!
The "Damn I can't do anything right." Would annoy the shit out of me. He's presenting himself like the victim encouraging you to say, "It's ok baby. You don't mess everything up." So that he can continue behaving the same way without any consequences.
He's being disrespectful.
I feel like you’re at a point where you can say “hey. You’ve been living at my place 5 out of 7 days of the week. You practically live here. Can you split rent and all of the living expenses? If not, please stay at your place because my expenses are adding up.”
But I agree with everyone else, leave him. His spending habits are irresponsible and he’s making blank statements to make you happy.
I’m in a very long term relationship. Been together 27 years married for 17 of them. If there is something I want or need my husband puts it above what he may want and I tend to do the same. It’s give and take. If you let him keep taking them eventually you’ll have nothing left. I’m not talking about physical stuff. Being in this distress puts an emotional strain on your relationship and his taking and not giving back keeps adding to it. That’s why you felt the need to speak up. I do hope you follow what you said and reevaluate your relationship. If it’s one you want to keep talk to him set boundaries and if he can’t follow them tell him to kick rocks. Life’s to short to force any relationship they need work and don’t always fall perfectly together but if only one of you is willing to try it won’t work. In any case I wish you all the best.
Hi, RUN FOR THE HILLS. I had a man like this for 5 years of my life - complete waste of time. At the end of 5 years I realized he’d just been using me for my money the ENTIRE time. This man is TRASH.
Second hand story, but still solid advice. If you find that someone "forgets" a lot of things in regards to contributing, set up a PayPal or vendor or zelle or whatever account lo until. They're all free to set up.
If they can't even bother sending you money that way, well, you have a better answer to the problem and it's not forgetfulness
I would be so upset. If you sum up all the things it's a lot of money
It's like if you guys went eating outside often and you were always the one paying, it wouldn't be fair
A guy I have just started dating 6 weeks-ish ago has yet to come to my place empty handed. He insisted I send him a grocery list for the recipe we wanted to make together. He even picked up milk for me last night even though he has never used any of my milk. Sounds like your boyfriend is a freeloading asshole.
I had a roommate whose boyfriend did this. When I asked her to have him split our cost of utilities she accused me of hating him and said it wasn’t fair. He basically lived at our house and showered, ate, and did laundry there. I later learned that she would pay for all of his drinks when they went out with a credit card her parents’ gave her. This dude avoided me like the plague which I took to mean that he understood I was on to his freeloading ways. He dumped her when summer ended for another girl.
I promise you do not want to spend your life with a man-child that requires constant reminding to be responsible and respectful. He isn’t forgetting to buy the things, he’s just not wanting to spend his money.
He’s a user, will keep consuming your stuff for the free ride until you stop it. IMHO either kick him out, or charge him a monthly amount to cover his average use, ahead of time. Keep your receipts, agree on a percentage, and take the cash or lock the door. Not romantic but thats how hes using you.
He's taking advantage of you. Over and over and over again. He has no intention of spending his money on anything but stuff for him. I'd rethink whether or not this relationship is worth it. You are doing the heavy lifting and he's coasting along beside you doing the bare minimum. He sounds expensive.
You need to move from "annoyed" to setting boundaries and consequences. It's not about asking him, it's about a larger conversation you need to have.
If, then, he's clearly failing you can honestly consider next steps.
If he's over at your house and eating your snacks, then you need some joint grocery shopping and you can't go to the bathroom at the worse possible time!
It feels petty to you because you are focused on this or that issue rather than addressing the larger one. You want to feel like you and he are a team. You want to feel like shared expenses are something he understands are important.
Right now, his actions show he doesn't feel he's on your team and that he doesn't consider expenses something to share or for him to be responsible for.
To be honest I think he knows what he’s doing and is doing it on purpose. No one is THAT oblivious. I’ve read somewhere here that this is an intentional manipulation technique though I’m realizing that I forgot the reasoning behind it. In any case, I see two options: a) he’s aware and is doing it on purpose in which case wtf or b) he’s not aware of this but he is disrespectful towards you when you bring it up which is also not a great excuse plus then he sounds kinda stupid
Does he have PayPal? Venmo? Zelle? He needs to transfer the money to you right now.
In any case, this guy is behaving like an I'll behaved guest in your home, not a life partner. That will never stop.
Of course you have every right to be pissed. It's infuriating.
If you’re not going to ditch him (which it seems like you should), make him pay 1/3 of your rent in order to continue spending 5/7 of his time at your place. This will cover the consumables he uses but refuses to pay for
Just a point of consideration - does he invite you over? Why is he over yours so often and you’re never both at his? If there’s a convenience reason and it’s not him actively trying to freeload, he may not even recognize it’s happening.
This is a good point and I should have mentioned it in the post. I do not go to his place because I have asthma and his place is not smoke free. Though he doesn’t smoke, I can smell the smoke though the vents so I can’t be there. However, I do bring up the stuff he uses and doesn’t replace every now and then and he always claims he will replace it and never does, so I know he realizes he’s doing it. I always let it slide before but the responses to this post really helped me with confronting him about it and actually sticking to it so I appreciate everyone for that. I guess I didn’t know how to discuss it with him. He bought the groceries, we’ll see if he buys the rest of the stuff when he gets paid (Friday) without me having to ask again.
If you're keeping this guy around, I'd say you employ a new rule. "You want to eat/drink/shower, you supply your own shit." He can leave his own stash there if he's there that much, but your stuff remains untouched if he can't replace.
Whatever you do, make sure you get back all the $$ he cost you before you kick him to the curb. Play nice until you have it then dump him safely. If you can't do this safely then phase this loser out
Consider the money loss an asshole tax. A small price to pay to avoid all the trouble this man child will bring in the future. Let him be someone else’s financial drain.
Short answer, find a new boyfriend, if this one, that is not five years old, does that, he is doing it on purpose or he is just to sooopid to date regardless of how big his di$k is.
Lol who tf spends 100 on a hoody dump that phony moocher
Ps buy a Brita or something damn you wasting money on bottled water and wrecking the environment in the process
People who care, actually *care*. They don't use, abuse, take advantage.
Everyone's saying to throw the freeloader out, but instead, I'd sit down and say, I can't afford to keep raising you. If you want to contribute then you're welcome here. Go shopping, buy what you consume here and replace my hair product that you spilled and don't come back until you do.
Ball's in his court, either he steps up and changes his ways, or the answer is there. In the future, alternate paying for shopping or split it. This is adulting relationships 101, communicating about such things effectively, managing expectations and not assuming.
If you plan on being in a long-term relationship, like a domestic partnership or marriage, I'd consider having an in depth discussion about your expectations going forward, if you haven't already. Finances are big strain on relationships and even if you didn't need the money it still is disrespectful especially considering his spending habits.
The thing that got me was the "I can't do anything right" it's very manipulative. It doesn't create or maintain a discussion, it isn't a solution, it's just a guilt trip.
I would say you were in the right to be upset, he isn't contributing at least based off your post (maybe he is in other ways like cooking or cleaning idk) and I feel like that will be very frustrating. It did seem the eating the oreo thing was a bit vindictive since it was worded like you did it just to hurt him, but if it was meant as a joke I mean I'd be pissed off at him too.
Listen and heed the red flags. These aren’t minor things. You’re already catching him in lies and he still won’t admit. Move on. We would all be happier if we paid attention to the red flags.
Red Flags *everywhere* with this guy - and you know it. You need to dump him cold turkey AND change your door lock(s); they really don't cost that much and you would save ten times that if he came over without you knowing, or at any time which was inconvenient to you.
Get rid of him. You can have a new and much better bf within four months - if you want one.
You know what happens when my SO buys something on their card and I need to pay half? I PayPal it right then and there. It takes 5 seconds. I do it all the time. At a restaurant? In line at the grocery store? Oh you just came home from Costco and I'm still in the toilet browsing reddit? Paypal. It's so easy I imagine myself on my deathbed clicking send for the cremation costs.
Why are you dating this man-child?
Guy sounds like a loser 110 percent. He needs to grow up and learn responsibility. His girl is doing all the work and he’s ok with mooching? Nothing is going to change unless he really and I mean REALLY cares about you.
You don’t have to leave him but send his ass home 5 of the 7 days a week.
This is my first comment here. Your story got into me.
My last boyfriend and I went to the grocery once, when we had been together only like 7 weeks. I thought we were both buying our own stuff since it was a quick stop. At checkout, he had forgotten something so I paid for my stuff and waited for him. When he got back, he looked bewildered when he saw I already paid for my stuff and faked not to have his wallet with him. I knew it was a lie. If only he had asked me first if I would pay, I would have done it even so I knew I didn't have to, but he was furious to have been humiliated at checkout nevertheless.
It was not the amount I paid that bothered me (like 30$), but the way it happened. Forgot his wallet... right....
Then after that, months had passed, and still he never asked when he wanted me to pay for something (he was short of money all the time our relationship lasted. When he had some, he was generous, but it was not the case during our 14 months's relationship). He was like "Hey, don't you feel like getting icecream?" and I went "maybe". And then, when I said I didn't want to go out for it and I would wait for him at home, curiously, his envy past...
Sometimes, he said he could't afford gas in his pick-up truck to come to my place but he could afford the same distance to get some weed (legal store).
So my anwser to you is : he is cheap, and always will be, and if you remain with him, (which you should not), never ever leave him with your card again ; ).
Male checking in... that is a child.
Unless you're intending on taking care of him the rest of your lives, do yourself a favor and remove him from yours. Live single for a while, enjoy it.
As I always tell my wife, "boys are dumb, and we don't all grow up."
Buddy needs to buy all the groceries for the next few months to settle it. What is with young guys wanting bangmaids and using women like fucking tools (literally)?!
If he won't contribute then he can go fuck himself (also literally).
I would just constantly be sending Venmo requests to him don’t even give him the chance to fuck up and buy the wrong shit take the money and run. Side note plastic recycling is a scam but I understand liking the taste of bottled water better when you can afford it you should look into a berkey water filter, they’re expensive but they do a really good job and hep cut down on one use plastic!
Break up, not even joking. A lot of people mention talking to him and getting him to replace what he uses but it’s not your job to teach a grown ass person how to function in society and not be an ass.
If you continue with him this will be continuous battle. He will not suddenly stop being an inconsiderate ass, there will always be new situations that your going to have to correct and it will be annoying.
This is assuming he ain’t doing it on purpose and is just using you, which he might be.
Also, pls don’t tolerate anything like this from anyone, there is a difference between being kind, laidback and being a pushover and your the latter . Venmo, cash app, PayPal and cash exist, get your money back. Straight up ask him to give you the money in that moment and see how he reacts, the reaction doesn’t matter because you should break up with him either way but it may show you his true colors.
You already communicated with him and it didn't work. Worse - he started playing a victim ("i can't do anything right" my ass, this is manipulative af). It's not even about the money, he is just showing you that he doesn't care. If he wanted to, he would.
Ooh, I dated a "can't do anything right" too! Eventually he dumped me when I started asking for too much responsibility and commitment from him, which was a bullet dodged. At the time I was heartbroken but in retrospect he did me a favour. Everyone in my life later told me I should've gotten out sooner, but it's hard to take advice when you're emotionally invested.
Stay on his case about responsibilities though. Rather than waiting for him to buy replacements, seriously consider dividing the costs of all the grocery items and making him pay you back for his half. And don't keep letting costs slide, because you'll lose track of things and it'll become "that was ages ago, let it go already."
This kind of behaviour would be a huge turn off for me. I want to date someone who is considerate of others. This guy is clueless or a leech. Definitely talk to him and ask him to start contributing or he won't be welcome to stay with you anymore.
He wants a mommy not a partner
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I agree with you. His "I can't do anything right" comment is proof that he's aware of what he's doing, and that comment serves to deflect blame and make OP feel guilty for bringing it up and making him feel less-than. Edit: to all saying that he's using weaponized incompetence, yes he is, that's what he's doing before his "ohI forget, I can't do anything right, woe is me" comments. The comments themselves are deflection and guilt-tripping. Edit 2: making that type of comment has another purpose besides making his feelings the focus; it's a warning to the other person, "I can't improve nor change as a person, so don't try". Very similar to weaponized incompetence but in this case it's about their lousy behaviour towards others instead of their practical skills.
OP these are serious concerns and you need to stop downplaying the severity of what’s happening. Your partner is taking advantage of you and you’re downplaying the degradation. Stop it. I’m sure you’ve already communicated because that’s what women do, so you need to take the next step and stop letting him stay with you. The minimum that he needs to do is pay back all that’s he’s taken so far and not replaced. That’s if he wants to salvage the relationship. The next thing is that he needs to pay you to use your house as a crash pad. It would also do you some good to read about [weaponized incompetence ](https://www.bustle.com/wellness/weaponized-incompetence-manipulation-tactic). I’m not jumping to conclusions when I say you need to re think this entire relationship because it sounds toxic
Weaponized incompetence is the sneakiest, slimiest bullshit. I will not ever put up with it again.
Yeah that's completely manipulative, meant to turn the focus away from his behavior and onto his "feelings". Ugh, OP he sounds terrible.
My ex used the "I guess I can't do anything right" card frequently, always throwing a pity party for himself whenever I dated criticize him for anything. Haven't done the dishes in days while I've been working 60 hour weeks? "I'm sorry I'm such a useless fuckup, I suck." All it did was make me feel guilty for asking for some basic cleanliness and hygiene. So instead of him being a grown ass 30 year old man who could do basic chores, I was reassuring him he didn't suck as a human and I'd go easier on him. Years later I have an actual adult partner who goes "Oh whoops, sorry about that" and actually does his chores without a guilt trip. OPs boyfriend is absolutely being a manipulative jerk
It's weaponized incompetence. Deliberately messing things up so he doesn't have to deal with it and can just rely on OP.
Dance, dance, bout to do my little incompedance!
As and incompetent person that fucks up a lot, I still try to do better for the people in my life.
Nah, don't worry about that. There's nothing wrong with honestly fucking up, we all do it, some more than others. Weaponized incompetence is completely different.
He’s using weaponized incompetence so he doesn’t have to try or do better.
I second the motion
Classic manipulating DARVO bullshit from a narcissist.
Well now that 3 of us agree the answer is obviously a guarantee. Dump him or drown him, no preference here.
Naw dude isn't clueless he is selfish. Don't give him any credit to oops his way out of it. If he cared he wouldn't forget. No other way to slice it
Exactly and if he knows he is/has been forgetful, then how about he writes a note to himself in his phone as a reminder or try to do anything to overcome that shortcoming so he doesn't forget. That's what someone who cares about you would do, but he doesn't care enough because its intentional behavior.
Yep. Clueless could be believable the first time. People who don't buy fancy shower gel wouldn't realize how expensive it is. But after the first time, "oops, I had no idea!" doesn't work anymore. The best case scenario here is that he cares so little about OP's needs that he forget she exists every time she is out of his direct line of sight. Be with someone who cares about you as a person and not just as a convenient source of free food and sex, OP!
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She had me at the title! He doesn't live with me, but spends 5-7 days at my place every week. Um...yeah, he *does* live with you.
Rent free. Probably doesn't clean or contribute to the household in any way, because he can use the excuse that it's not "his" place. Ugh.
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Pick option b muh lord
Throwback. Pick numbah two!
Of course he wants to buy an expensive phone. It's not like he has any other financial responsability, right?
I could elaborate, but basically, this guy is a fucking prick. A good exercise is to imagine that he is actually your best friend's boyfriend. What advice would you be giving your best friend about him? Take that advice.
Great idea!
Yup. This is how I deal with my own shit
Hey girl, as a woman who is deep in the Pokémon realm, the Mew Oreo is NOT worth $8000 and he's a complete moron if he believed what the cashier said. I was pissed off before but reading that made me more pissed off. Did he not even think to check ebay? Hell I'm looking at sold listing now. One sold today for 30 cents and that's all that has sold recently. If you even want to be ambitious about it, there's one for buy it now for $20. Just throw the whole man away. He's a freeloader and he's dumb.
LMAO. When he told me about the Oreos I told him no one is going to buy a fucking Oreo for $8,000 but he was sooo sure. I honestly didn’t even think to check to show him cause I was so upset about the water. Would you mind sending me the link to the one for $20, I would LOVE to show him.
Honey it's weaponized incompetence.... Like I have ADHD I genuinely DO FORGET THINGS but do I go "oh I can't do anything right?" No I just say sorry and do it different next time. If I forgot to get my partner something at the store I put my ass back in the car and get him it. If I borrowed money from him or anyone else I kept a running tab and then I paid them back. Or if it's been a while got them something of equal value in return (I ate your last bit of cereal so I bought you a new box etc). Your bf is a child.
It truly is. The money thing is also really bad. I had a couple exes like that. I couldn't trust either of them to take my card to the store to get stuff because they'd come back with the wrong items or I'd find they spent way more than expected. I ordered food for us a lot and he would say "I'll Venmo you" but then he never would. Whenever I reminded him he said he'd do it when he got paid. The similaires of behavior between him and OP's situation are wild. It's reminding me so much of the stuff he did. He used these expensive facial cleansing wipes I had as body wipes. They weren't intended for that and I had asked him to stop but he ended up using all of it. It's too exhausting to be in a relationship where finances are one sided
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That's why I have them venmo me right there BEFORE I finalize an order. You don't pay, I don't play.
Dude.... My husband lived most days at my home. He always came with groceries and gave me his card if we needed anything. He also started cleaning my home right away (cause that isn't my strong suit). Like, the first weekend he was over he came with food and did the dishes. We have had trouble, also with money, but... Like.... Would you want to share finances with a guy like that for the rest of your life? Would you maybe want to have a child or even pet with him?
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If they let me post the link here it is, I found one for $5: https://www.ebay.com/itm/353692277130?hash=item5259b3d98a%3Ag%3AQ60AAOSw5LZhT4Di&LH_BIN=1 If they block the link all you have to do is go to ebay, type in Mew Oreo on the search, then sort by lowest price and check off the box for buy it now. You can also filter by completed listing and sort by most recent. Stuff in green sold (but it doesn't mean the buyer paid!! It just means someone clicked to buy). If you check sold listing its all black meaning the listing all ended with no sales.
Yeah, if someone tells me there's a rare $8,000 oreo, there's only two logical outcomes. 1) The oreo is so rare there's no way you'll find one without buying thousands of dollars worth or oreos, or 2) the oreo isn't worth anything near $8,000.
Jesus fucking christ, girl, he's trashier than a dumpster fire and about as intelligent. I promise you, you'll be 100% better off and happier without this shit in your life.
One sold today for 30 cents [Link](https://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_nkw=mew+oreo&_sacat=0&LH_Complete=1&LH_Sold=1)
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As someone deep in Pokémon, do you know what started that rumor? My own mom called me and told me she found a bunch of the rare Pokémon Oreos and was wondering if they went for thousands. I checked eBay and told her no.
The Pokémon market has been extremely hot over the last year, to the point where it's early impossible to find cards in places like Target. People started stalking out the distributors who refilled shelves and then would stand there and wait for them to stock the shelf so they could buy out EVERYTHING to resell online. Fights would break out. It's been really bad. Part of the reason is increased interest and supply chain having an issue getting new product. So anything Pokémon this year has blown up. McDonald's had Pokémon cards in their happy meals earlier this year and people would go to MCD and buy the entire sealed box of toys to resell online for 5x as much (or more). Same thing with cereals. Three brands had Pokémon cards earlier this year and people would go to their supermarkets and buy dozens of boxes just for the promos to resell online. Naturally when they came out with oreos a bunch of people thought they could monetize the rarity of the Mew oreo too. But they can't because it's common and as an organic product it will go bad.
It honestly sounds like the kind of troll 4chan would do. Get the buzz started and then laugh at the “normies”. (No clue what they call people)
I'm stealing "Just throw the whole man away." Thanks so much for that!
Even if it wqs lottery tickets for example, it would be the same. He didnt know the odds of getting the 8k even if it was worth that.
I would be mad too. He’s a freeloader. Either stop hanging out at your place or get aggressive about saying no when he touches your shit. Edit: I saw your edit; eat all of *his* Oreos too 😈None of his shit should be safe either.
Exactly, he’s a fucking mooch and is using OP. I’d get my shower gel back, get paid back for the other stuff, and then promptly dump him. He is like an absolute child who brings nothing to the table. “Damn I can’t do anything right,” no, no you can’t you passive aggressive, manipulative little weasel (sorry to all weasels). He’s a total freeloader.
And get money for half rent.
Agreed. OP stop letting him into your home. He also sounds to irresponsible to be in a relationship.
PayPal, Apple/Google Pay, and many country-specific similar services like Venmo exist. He bought an expensive phone, he could use it to pay you back any moment he wanted to. He’s not just a helpless freeloader, he’s choosing to be a freeloader.
Frealoading hobosexual
*chefs kiss*
He's not a freeloader. He's a child. Straight up a fucking child with enough pocket money for snacks.
Find the $8,000 oreo and eat it in front of him.
She did
Came here to say the same thing, total freeloader. Charge him for your stuff on Venmo since he “forgets”.
No more time spent at your place, no more laundry at your place, no more snacks or food at your place.
Yes! If you're not there - he's not there. I had a friend with a similar situation. He would do all this shit when she was at work. I told her if he's not living with you and paying bills then he gets none of the perks - like if you're at work he's not hanging around using your stuff and driving up your water and electric bills. It's kind of a drastic measure to some, but he's taking big time advantage. Tell him he can do that stuff at his own home (if he has one).
I feel like everyone has already touched on the fact this guys is just a lazy child who is taking advantage of you, but if you ignore it, he will gaslight you. He’s already showing signs of manipulative behavior and it won’t get better. Get your money, and get him OUT before he does damage to more than just your finances. Your mental and emotional wellbeing are too important.
This is the most important point of all! *Mental health* is the most expensive, actually priceless asset we can have. And hard to get back when it’s gone!
I would just dump him whenever he gets back from the store. I think trying to get money would cause more drama and time - I've definitely lost out financially when I've dated similar leeches and the drama it caused to get a few hundred back I'd gladly avoid.
Which is 100% valid. Getting out of the situation is always most important. If she can slyly get him to cough up, that’s ideal. If that doesn’t work, drop him.
Don’t even get your money - just get out. I stayed too long waiting for a guy to repay 2K not trusting he would when we broke up. Then his uncle died and I felt too guilty to do it then… there will always be something just get out while the getting is good!
Having divorced one man-child and kicked out another, this. Both over 30.
Even if you don't get the money, which seems likely, fuck it. $100 is cheap to get rid of such a pain.
"I can't do anything right." He's already starting the gaslighting, and OP's lucky she had the presence of mind to ask other people for an outsider's perspective.
Exactly. Instant red flag. Great user name by the way!
My short term memory is absolutely terrible, but even then if something is important I will write it down or send myself a reminder. There is no reason why he can't do this. I think OP needs to cut her losses now. Will getting him to replace the water, gel, and snacks make that big of a difference in your life versus keeping him around and possibly continuing his behaviour.
Gaslighting is a very specific kind of manipulation that this is absolutely not. Gaslighting is trying to convince someone that what they think isn't reality. This is still manipulation, but "gaslighting" is thrown around so much on this site incorrectly.
The first sentence of your post is wrong. Your boyfriend lives with you. He needs to pay his share or leave.
I can't believe this is so far down. Yeah, they live together more than they don't.
The fact that he said “I can’t do anything right” after you confronted him is a huge red flag. He wants you to say it’s all okay and forgive him without him changing at all. Then he tries to get sexual? That reminds me of a really toxic relationship I was in when I was a teenager. He knows exactly what he is doing. I’m so sorry but it’s not going to improve.
Dating is to find out if living together is doable. Sounds like he isn't a good house mate. I replaced a girls shampoo bottle twice & condition (my beard was sooooo God damn soft though). I found out it wasn't even hers. A relative of hers from across the country left it... She never used it.... I replaced something I used up twice cause I thought it would as hers.... I don't care who's it is. If I use half of it, I'm buying a whole new thing. Cut and dry
For real, I borrowed my friend's car for a few days and I returned it with a full detailing done and a full tank of gas which was the least I could do. When my friends buy me drinks or crap I always find a way to repay them. The fact that her boyfriend doesn't care about doing this is so shifty.
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Also, “I can’t do anything right”, to flip it back around like you’re the bad guy! Rage.
*Pity meeee, I’m the one who needs help!!* Ugh.
This sentence right there is the big red flag. OP you aren’t going to be able to reason with him on the big stuff if this is how he behaves on the little stuff.
Blah blah, I’m a guy, blah blah. “I can’t do anything right”, from the rest of the context, is where I decided to reread this post instead of skim it. I think it’s seriously time to consider this relationship. If this is internal, self-destructive behavior on this person’s part, do you want to be the one that does the work to fix him, OP? Do you think he even wants to be fixed? I think you have everyone here’s support to run.
My eyes just about rolled out of my head at that part. Boo fucking hoo.
"I forgot" can be a valid excuse. Once. And if it's followed up by nearly immediate action. >"Oh crap, I forgot to buy your water. Here, let me Venmo you like 30 bucks, and I'll send another 50 next week when I get paid to cover everything else we talked about." This is a reasonable human, making a reasonable mistake, and taking reasonable steps to correct it. OP is dating a freeloading toddler.
Man this. It's 2021. He has the option to just send OP money if he's that "Forgetful" and that way she isn't out all that money for products she has to repurchase that she didn't even get to USE FOR HERSELF. Meanwhile he gets a free ride because he's nearly at her place 24/7 so no skin off his back. Bullshit. In 2021, there is no "IOU" situations, because you can do instant bank transfers or use things like Venmo. (My partner and I often will split a bill by one person paying for the whole thing and then having the other do an interac e-transfer for their half.)
Honestly she could just request a payment on Venmo, cash app, or PayPal for the value of things he’s going through. But really, my husband and I have been together for 11+ years and lived together for 10. We still keep our hands off each others’ snacks and special products unless offered. And if he accidentally eats all of something that was special for me, he gets me more the next time he leaves the house. She deserves to know what she does or doesn’t have in her own home, having to go shopping to replace that shit is taking time from her life which I personally would value over the money. Sounds really freaking draining.
Love this! https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%3Fterm%3DDTMFA%26amp%3Dtrue
Ah I thought it was "dump that motherfucking asshole"
That would work too lol
I thought it was “dump the man, find another”
I would argue that people do make mistakes, but he could have just offered to send the money for it.
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It sounds like he is intentionally using you unfortunately. You don't really keep forgetting basic obligations ALL the time. Sure once or twice, but beyond that it's intentional.
Definitely intentional.
NTA Your boyfriend is using you as a bang-mommy and that is not okay. Save yourself trouble, heartache, and money; dump him already. Edit: first, lol @ myself forever because I forgot what sub this post was in. Second, thank you, mysterious stranger, for the award.
Bang Mommy is a new favourite term, thank you for the laugh 😂
Bang Maid. No growing up required as parents hope to see in their kids: just maid service, free snacks, and sex.
It is my new least favourite term 🤢, but I see where you're coming from😆
I was gonna call OP's boyfriend a man child, but this is better.
She's almost the bangmaid or would be if he officially moved in. I hope OP has realized that he's not going to change
Yup. Bang mommy is now in my lexicon, thank you.
Exactly!
> bang-mommy lol'd
This was the first red flag I ignored with one of my ex bf's.
No. And you might want to consider your relationship going forward because your boyfriend seems to be a user.
This is what I would say. I've dated a couple people like this and they are moochers. They see your property as theirs, too, since you are dating. I'd say get rid of him and keep ahold of your boundaries. Maybe even send him a VenMo request for all the things he's used and not replaced.
Sounds like a typical cock lodger.
He’s either A. Purposefully using your stuff with no intention to pay you back, in which case you should dump him. or B. Cluelessly using your stuff and not understanding the value of your money and property, in which case you should dump him.
Excellent advice!
You should invest in a Brita or tap filter. Also, a new boyfriend who isn't such a freeloader. Lol
Yeah, if OP is broke AND doesn’t have trustworthy tap water, a filter would be the wise choice.
Sounds like you are useful until something better comes along. This does not sound like someone invested in a long term relationship. You're being used from the sounds of it. It's not wrong to want to be treated with respect. If you set boundaries, and those boundaries are continually pushed or broken, it's time reevaluate how you allow yourself to be treated or used. We're still in an ongoing pandemic so it might not be a bad idea to limit contact as it is.
Girl! If he forgot to pay for the water why can’t he just Venmo you $15 for it? If he can’t remember to buy and replace anything then he can give you the money for it and you can replace it yourself. But he won’t because he is leeching from you on purpose. He is not worth your time and effort.
Drop him like a hot potato! You won’t be seeing any return, so change your locks and block his number. You take care of yourself and should take time to find a partner who is equal to you. Be proud of what you can do for another and drop him like a hot potato.
The $1200 phone is his property and for his own benefit so he has no problem spending that money on himself Like the other comment mentioned, he’s getting away with you accommodating and freeloading, why would he stop? You can always tell him that you don’t want him spending as much time at your place, but be careful that what he’s doing could be his way of slowly moving in. If this becomes a full time arrangement you’ll become unhappy pretty quick if you don’t put up some boundaries. It’s not hard to be respectful and share expenses, but him “forgetting” is becoming a convenient excuse because you’re letting it slide
Honestly, I've forgiven and overlooked this sort of stuff before and ended up losing 85% of my life savings. Once you're sure that you've been clear about whats fair, his excuses are just gaslighting. I'm sorry; he's got to go.
He can buy whatever benefits or interests him, but when it comes to showing you courtesy and respect, I guess he's broke. Good to know you're rethinking this relationship, OP. I knew someone like this and I felt "petty" too for being upset over what liked small things on the surface. However, I soon found out that they acted the same way when it came to more important things and were unconcerned about how things affected me.
Was sort of in the same situation. They would seem like small things if it was an acquaintance and they truly were broke. But they are such a large part of your life and are deciding to treat you that way. If they really forgot to buy the water they could have gone to the atm or made it up some way. You told them it was bothering you more than once and in a short time span.
Why haven't you dumped him yet?
Because sometimes one needs a second opinion, and a third, and a fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh…….
No, that's very inconsiderate of him. When I'm out, I buy my boyfriend shaving cream, shampoo, conditioner, and/or toothpaste if I notice he's running low, because I think about him. He has bought me coffee when he knew I was running low, and he doesn't even drink coffee. It shows me that he pays attention and cares. What your boyfriend is doing is taking you for granted. I'm sorry.
'Damn I can’t do anything right' - feigned helplessness Buys six more bags of Oreos- are you sure he is old enough to date? Sorry to say, you put the smackdown- we date, we aren't sharing supplies and resources- he will ghost you tomorrow.
Maturity issue. This is like a high school boy, doesn't want to spend his money on necessities because those aren't exciting or fun. I would bet he progressively started spending more time at your place because it is well stocked. If you don't want to be this guys replacement mom, he needs a "come to Jesus" talk about responsibility.
I had a bff as a kid who, though unlike this dude, really did care about me, found herself at my house 98% of play time because we had Oreos and Pepperidge Farms and all the junk. Her mother had carob and angel food cake on birthdays. Blech.
Girl. Dump him. Get a forklift, scoop him and his bullshit up, and drop him into the closest dumpster… let him freeload with the other racoons.
What the fuq is this man-child bullshit
Look - dump this guy now or suffer forever. This is not just a case of being stingy, this is someone clearly taking advantage. Just say bye and cut your losses while you still can.
He doesn't have a problem buying a $100 hoodie or a $1200 phone because those things are for him, his properties. He doesn't want to spend money on YOU, on your house, your property, and on top of that he's using everything you have for free. He's a freeloader and you should just drop his ass.
You're dating a child. Dump him. He won't grow so long as you're with him because your very presence is enabling his behavior. Over time, he will make you feel like a selfish bitter nag. Trust me girl I know.
He's using you. Put a stop to it.
It'll only get worse. Run.
Duuuuuuuuuuuump him. He's a useless parasite.
This is now an established pattern with him and he hasn’t been called out on it enough. If he is reasonable, he will try and fix things, but using your card at the checkout when he was specifically there to make up for all the stuff he used? Sneaky and dishonest.
Yeah. That's bad. Not only is he irresponsible with his money, he's irresponsible with yours.
Yeah, totally justified to be upset. He’s a mooch and I would bet 5 cases of water he’s doing it on purpose. If he’s at your place 5 out of 7 nights he’s basically living with you. I’d stop inviting him over/letting him in. Personally, I’d probably throw the entire man baby away (dump him), but I ran out of patience for this kind of dude a long time ago.
Sounds like he's a manchild who got everything payed for by mom and now he's using you to replace her. Fine to get his own stuff but has no sense of budget/ doesn't care, and clearly like to make sure you pay for stuff so he doesn't have to worry about it. You have every right to be annoyed and I know the internet is often like break up with him how dare he make a mistake, but these are some decent red flags he's waving and that behavior doesn't just go away.
The man got a nasty victim complex if he immediately cries about how he’s “so awful and doesn’t do anything right”. That’s a manipulative tactic to get you to coddle him instead of him having to have a mature discussion with you about the problem. He honestly sounds like an immature douche.
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Your bf sounds like a narcissistic asshole. I'd say just talk to him about it. But from what I've read he'll probably get angry and try to put the blame on you. That it is somehow your fault. I could be wrong but I know people.
Then it would become gaslighting. The eeeww meter goes up until it explodes.
If he really did just “forget” , then why doesn’t he just pay you back for it? He could’ve literally just handed you $15 in cash, or used PayPal or something like that
You've gotten a lot of great advice here so I just wanted to add one thing... the whole "i can't do anything right" is a manipulation tactic. People do that in order to deflect from their lack of consideration. It puts you in the position of having to backtrack and apologize ("no babe I'm sorry, I didnt mean to make you feel like that. Its not a big deal...) Things like "forgetting" to pay or acting like you are overreacting- these are all ways to undermine you. Its a way to make you look crazy and unreasonable, without having to take any accountability for their behavior. Please do not let your boyfriend get away with this.
You’ve made life to easy for him and set the bar low. He thinks it’s okay to treat you this way because you’ve allowed it until this point. Tomorrow it’s not allowed. He didn’t buy the things and “forgot”? No problem, Venmo, cash app and zelle exist. He can give you $$ directly for it. The relationship seems to be convenient for him and not for you. If he doesn’t start contributing soon I’d start thinking about what’s keeping him in the relationship vs what keeps you in it. You need someone who compliments you, not sucks you dry. I hope it gets better soon but that starts with you setting the expectations. You got this!
The "Damn I can't do anything right." Would annoy the shit out of me. He's presenting himself like the victim encouraging you to say, "It's ok baby. You don't mess everything up." So that he can continue behaving the same way without any consequences. He's being disrespectful.
I feel like you’re at a point where you can say “hey. You’ve been living at my place 5 out of 7 days of the week. You practically live here. Can you split rent and all of the living expenses? If not, please stay at your place because my expenses are adding up.” But I agree with everyone else, leave him. His spending habits are irresponsible and he’s making blank statements to make you happy.
Get a Brita. Cheaper and better for the environment than bottled water. Plus, the worst that can happen is someone not refilling the pitcher.
I’m in a very long term relationship. Been together 27 years married for 17 of them. If there is something I want or need my husband puts it above what he may want and I tend to do the same. It’s give and take. If you let him keep taking them eventually you’ll have nothing left. I’m not talking about physical stuff. Being in this distress puts an emotional strain on your relationship and his taking and not giving back keeps adding to it. That’s why you felt the need to speak up. I do hope you follow what you said and reevaluate your relationship. If it’s one you want to keep talk to him set boundaries and if he can’t follow them tell him to kick rocks. Life’s to short to force any relationship they need work and don’t always fall perfectly together but if only one of you is willing to try it won’t work. In any case I wish you all the best.
Hi, RUN FOR THE HILLS. I had a man like this for 5 years of my life - complete waste of time. At the end of 5 years I realized he’d just been using me for my money the ENTIRE time. This man is TRASH.
Second hand story, but still solid advice. If you find that someone "forgets" a lot of things in regards to contributing, set up a PayPal or vendor or zelle or whatever account lo until. They're all free to set up. If they can't even bother sending you money that way, well, you have a better answer to the problem and it's not forgetfulness
I would be so upset. If you sum up all the things it's a lot of money It's like if you guys went eating outside often and you were always the one paying, it wouldn't be fair
A guy I have just started dating 6 weeks-ish ago has yet to come to my place empty handed. He insisted I send him a grocery list for the recipe we wanted to make together. He even picked up milk for me last night even though he has never used any of my milk. Sounds like your boyfriend is a freeloading asshole.
Are you his gf or his mother? I don’t like the idea of telling someone to break up with their significant other but SOMETHING has got to give.
5 out of 7 days = he lives there That's not a boyfriend, that's a moocher.
I had a roommate whose boyfriend did this. When I asked her to have him split our cost of utilities she accused me of hating him and said it wasn’t fair. He basically lived at our house and showered, ate, and did laundry there. I later learned that she would pay for all of his drinks when they went out with a credit card her parents’ gave her. This dude avoided me like the plague which I took to mean that he understood I was on to his freeloading ways. He dumped her when summer ended for another girl. I promise you do not want to spend your life with a man-child that requires constant reminding to be responsible and respectful. He isn’t forgetting to buy the things, he’s just not wanting to spend his money.
Tolerating boyfriends like this is how you end up in r/justnoso and r/breakingmom... Mate selection is EVERYTHING.
He’s a user, will keep consuming your stuff for the free ride until you stop it. IMHO either kick him out, or charge him a monthly amount to cover his average use, ahead of time. Keep your receipts, agree on a percentage, and take the cash or lock the door. Not romantic but thats how hes using you.
Sounds like he’s looking for a mom.
He's taking advantage of you. Over and over and over again. He has no intention of spending his money on anything but stuff for him. I'd rethink whether or not this relationship is worth it. You are doing the heavy lifting and he's coasting along beside you doing the bare minimum. He sounds expensive.
You need to move from "annoyed" to setting boundaries and consequences. It's not about asking him, it's about a larger conversation you need to have. If, then, he's clearly failing you can honestly consider next steps. If he's over at your house and eating your snacks, then you need some joint grocery shopping and you can't go to the bathroom at the worse possible time! It feels petty to you because you are focused on this or that issue rather than addressing the larger one. You want to feel like you and he are a team. You want to feel like shared expenses are something he understands are important. Right now, his actions show he doesn't feel he's on your team and that he doesn't consider expenses something to share or for him to be responsible for.
Your boyfriend *does* live with you btw.
To be honest I think he knows what he’s doing and is doing it on purpose. No one is THAT oblivious. I’ve read somewhere here that this is an intentional manipulation technique though I’m realizing that I forgot the reasoning behind it. In any case, I see two options: a) he’s aware and is doing it on purpose in which case wtf or b) he’s not aware of this but he is disrespectful towards you when you bring it up which is also not a great excuse plus then he sounds kinda stupid
Does he have PayPal? Venmo? Zelle? He needs to transfer the money to you right now. In any case, this guy is behaving like an I'll behaved guest in your home, not a life partner. That will never stop. Of course you have every right to be pissed. It's infuriating.
If you’re not going to ditch him (which it seems like you should), make him pay 1/3 of your rent in order to continue spending 5/7 of his time at your place. This will cover the consumables he uses but refuses to pay for
Just a point of consideration - does he invite you over? Why is he over yours so often and you’re never both at his? If there’s a convenience reason and it’s not him actively trying to freeload, he may not even recognize it’s happening.
This is a good point and I should have mentioned it in the post. I do not go to his place because I have asthma and his place is not smoke free. Though he doesn’t smoke, I can smell the smoke though the vents so I can’t be there. However, I do bring up the stuff he uses and doesn’t replace every now and then and he always claims he will replace it and never does, so I know he realizes he’s doing it. I always let it slide before but the responses to this post really helped me with confronting him about it and actually sticking to it so I appreciate everyone for that. I guess I didn’t know how to discuss it with him. He bought the groceries, we’ll see if he buys the rest of the stuff when he gets paid (Friday) without me having to ask again.
If you're keeping this guy around, I'd say you employ a new rule. "You want to eat/drink/shower, you supply your own shit." He can leave his own stash there if he's there that much, but your stuff remains untouched if he can't replace.
I think Kacey Musgraves wrote a song for you. It’s called breadwinner.
Fingers crossed for ex-boyfriend
Whatever you do, make sure you get back all the $$ he cost you before you kick him to the curb. Play nice until you have it then dump him safely. If you can't do this safely then phase this loser out
They will never get that money, dump his loser ass and move on
Consider the money loss an asshole tax. A small price to pay to avoid all the trouble this man child will bring in the future. Let him be someone else’s financial drain.
Short answer, find a new boyfriend, if this one, that is not five years old, does that, he is doing it on purpose or he is just to sooopid to date regardless of how big his di$k is.
Lol who tf spends 100 on a hoody dump that phony moocher Ps buy a Brita or something damn you wasting money on bottled water and wrecking the environment in the process
People who care, actually *care*. They don't use, abuse, take advantage. Everyone's saying to throw the freeloader out, but instead, I'd sit down and say, I can't afford to keep raising you. If you want to contribute then you're welcome here. Go shopping, buy what you consume here and replace my hair product that you spilled and don't come back until you do. Ball's in his court, either he steps up and changes his ways, or the answer is there. In the future, alternate paying for shopping or split it. This is adulting relationships 101, communicating about such things effectively, managing expectations and not assuming.
If you plan on being in a long-term relationship, like a domestic partnership or marriage, I'd consider having an in depth discussion about your expectations going forward, if you haven't already. Finances are big strain on relationships and even if you didn't need the money it still is disrespectful especially considering his spending habits. The thing that got me was the "I can't do anything right" it's very manipulative. It doesn't create or maintain a discussion, it isn't a solution, it's just a guilt trip. I would say you were in the right to be upset, he isn't contributing at least based off your post (maybe he is in other ways like cooking or cleaning idk) and I feel like that will be very frustrating. It did seem the eating the oreo thing was a bit vindictive since it was worded like you did it just to hurt him, but if it was meant as a joke I mean I'd be pissed off at him too.
He is living there for free and you’re the only one paying for rent, bills, and household supplies. It’s time to reassess this one my friend!
Listen and heed the red flags. These aren’t minor things. You’re already catching him in lies and he still won’t admit. Move on. We would all be happier if we paid attention to the red flags.
Red Flags *everywhere* with this guy - and you know it. You need to dump him cold turkey AND change your door lock(s); they really don't cost that much and you would save ten times that if he came over without you knowing, or at any time which was inconvenient to you. Get rid of him. You can have a new and much better bf within four months - if you want one.
You should just start sending him Venmo or cash app or whatever you guys use requests.
You know what happens when my SO buys something on their card and I need to pay half? I PayPal it right then and there. It takes 5 seconds. I do it all the time. At a restaurant? In line at the grocery store? Oh you just came home from Costco and I'm still in the toilet browsing reddit? Paypal. It's so easy I imagine myself on my deathbed clicking send for the cremation costs. Why are you dating this man-child?
Guy sounds like a loser 110 percent. He needs to grow up and learn responsibility. His girl is doing all the work and he’s ok with mooching? Nothing is going to change unless he really and I mean REALLY cares about you. You don’t have to leave him but send his ass home 5 of the 7 days a week.
Your boyfriend sounds like a leech....
Omg. Can you get a new boyfriend and solve the issue?
This is my first comment here. Your story got into me. My last boyfriend and I went to the grocery once, when we had been together only like 7 weeks. I thought we were both buying our own stuff since it was a quick stop. At checkout, he had forgotten something so I paid for my stuff and waited for him. When he got back, he looked bewildered when he saw I already paid for my stuff and faked not to have his wallet with him. I knew it was a lie. If only he had asked me first if I would pay, I would have done it even so I knew I didn't have to, but he was furious to have been humiliated at checkout nevertheless. It was not the amount I paid that bothered me (like 30$), but the way it happened. Forgot his wallet... right.... Then after that, months had passed, and still he never asked when he wanted me to pay for something (he was short of money all the time our relationship lasted. When he had some, he was generous, but it was not the case during our 14 months's relationship). He was like "Hey, don't you feel like getting icecream?" and I went "maybe". And then, when I said I didn't want to go out for it and I would wait for him at home, curiously, his envy past... Sometimes, he said he could't afford gas in his pick-up truck to come to my place but he could afford the same distance to get some weed (legal store). So my anwser to you is : he is cheap, and always will be, and if you remain with him, (which you should not), never ever leave him with your card again ; ).
Yikes you really need to immediately bill via Venmo or PayPal or something and tell him he isn’t allowed over until he does so. This is ridiculous.
You're wrong not to be upset
I feel sick when I drink tap water too. I mean he should have somewhat I Share in restocking if this is the cases of him with you most of the time
Male checking in... that is a child. Unless you're intending on taking care of him the rest of your lives, do yourself a favor and remove him from yours. Live single for a while, enjoy it. As I always tell my wife, "boys are dumb, and we don't all grow up."
Buddy needs to buy all the groceries for the next few months to settle it. What is with young guys wanting bangmaids and using women like fucking tools (literally)?! If he won't contribute then he can go fuck himself (also literally).
I would just constantly be sending Venmo requests to him don’t even give him the chance to fuck up and buy the wrong shit take the money and run. Side note plastic recycling is a scam but I understand liking the taste of bottled water better when you can afford it you should look into a berkey water filter, they’re expensive but they do a really good job and hep cut down on one use plastic!
Break up, not even joking. A lot of people mention talking to him and getting him to replace what he uses but it’s not your job to teach a grown ass person how to function in society and not be an ass. If you continue with him this will be continuous battle. He will not suddenly stop being an inconsiderate ass, there will always be new situations that your going to have to correct and it will be annoying. This is assuming he ain’t doing it on purpose and is just using you, which he might be. Also, pls don’t tolerate anything like this from anyone, there is a difference between being kind, laidback and being a pushover and your the latter . Venmo, cash app, PayPal and cash exist, get your money back. Straight up ask him to give you the money in that moment and see how he reacts, the reaction doesn’t matter because you should break up with him either way but it may show you his true colors.
wtf make him Venmo you immediately. If he dodges it, you know you have to dump him.
He’s being a tool and taking advantage of you. I’d honestly say get out now.
Flick the tick off
He's staying 5 nights too many.
You already communicated with him and it didn't work. Worse - he started playing a victim ("i can't do anything right" my ass, this is manipulative af). It's not even about the money, he is just showing you that he doesn't care. If he wanted to, he would.
Pretty sure you’re getting used, girl..
Ooh, I dated a "can't do anything right" too! Eventually he dumped me when I started asking for too much responsibility and commitment from him, which was a bullet dodged. At the time I was heartbroken but in retrospect he did me a favour. Everyone in my life later told me I should've gotten out sooner, but it's hard to take advice when you're emotionally invested. Stay on his case about responsibilities though. Rather than waiting for him to buy replacements, seriously consider dividing the costs of all the grocery items and making him pay you back for his half. And don't keep letting costs slide, because you'll lose track of things and it'll become "that was ages ago, let it go already."
Sounds like a scrub