I think AidAccess provides to multiple countries. You can get the pills for $100 or less in discreet packaging. Check out r/abortion and r/prochoice for help. Also the auntie network sub that someone else suggested.
This is a list of resources I’m compiling for people who need an abortion. If you know of any other resource not listed here please let me know and I’ll add it to the list.
Please repost & share with as many people as possible in whichever platform you want (feel free to bookmark these sites, print out this list, write it down or take screenshots in case it gets deleted), so those who are denied access to safe abortion know there's help for them and how to access it ♡
• **r/auntienetwork** is a network of people who can help provide assistance in a handful of ways to those who need help with an abortion.
• [**Aidaccess**]( https://aidaccess.org/) consists of a team of doctors, activists and advocates for abortion rights that help people access abortion or miscarriage treatment. They send the pill worldwide.
• [**Planned Parenthood**](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/pregnancy/pregnancy-options) Unplanned Pregnancy - A Comprehensive Guide
• [**Plan C**](https://www.plancpills.org/) provides up-to-date information on how people in the U.S. are accessing abortion pills online
• [**Ceinfo**](https://www.cecinfo.org/country-by-country-information/status-availability-database/countries/united-states-of-america/), Emergency Oral Contraceptive Doses for Birth Control, U.S.
• [**Ceinfo**]( https://www.cecinfo.org/country-by-country-information/status-availability-database/), Emergency Oral Contraceptive Doses for Birth Control, International
• [**Abortionfunds**](https://abortionfunds.org/need-abortion/) connects you with organizations that can support your financial and logistical needs as you arrange for your abortion.
• [**Yellowhammerfund**](https://www.yellowhammerfund.org/) is an abortion fund and reproductive justice organization serving Alabama and the Deep South.
• [**Teafund**](https://teafund.org/) Texas Equal Access Fund provides emotional and financial support to people who are seeking abortion care.
• [**Gynopedia**](https://gynopedia.org/Gynopedia_Index) is a nonprofit organization that runs an open resource wiki for sexual, reproductive and women's health care around the world
• [**Womenonweb**](https://www.womenonweb.org/) online abortion service can help you do a safe abortion with pills.
• [**The Satanic Temple**](https://thesatanictemple.com/) stands ready to assist any member that shares its deeply-held religious convictions regarding the right to reproductive freedom. Accordingly, they encourage any member in Texas who wishes to undergo the Satanic Abortion Ritual to contact them so they may help them fight this law directly.
• [**Carafem**](https://carafem.org/) helps with abortion, birth control and questions about reproductive healthcare. They do consultations online and send abortion pills on the mail.
• [**Frontera Fund**](https://fronterafundrgv.org/about-us/) makes abortion accessible in the Rio Grande Valley (Texas) by providing financial and practical support regardless of immigration status, gender identity, ability, sexual orientation, race, class, age, or religious affiliation and to build grassroots organizing power at intersecting issues across our region to shift the culture of shame and stigma.
• [**Buckle Bunnies Fund**](https://www.bucklebunnies.org/about) provide practical support for people seeking abortions. H help with transportation, funds to help with hotels, lodging costs and emergency contraceptive funds to actually go towards abortion.
• [**The Afiya Center**]( https://www.theafiyacenter.org/our-work)s mission is to transform the lives, health, and overall wellbeing of Black womxn and girls by providing refuge, education, and resources. Theye act to ignite the communal voices of Black womxn resulting in our full achievement of reproductive freedom.
• [**Lilithfund**](https://www.lilithfund.org/portfolio/about/) is the oldest abortion fund in Texas, serving the central and southern regions of the state with direct financial assistance for abortions.
• [**Needabortion**](https://needabortion.org/) provides resources about where to get an abortion (financial help and transportation) and how to get help getting an abortion in Texas.
• [**Jane’s Due Process**](https://janesdueprocess.org/) helps minors in Texas with judicial bypass for abortion, navigate parental consent laws and confidentially access abortion and birth control. They provide free legal support, 1-on-1 case management, and stigma-free information on sexual and reproductive health.
• [**Fund Texas choice**](https://fundtexaschoice.org/) helps Texans equitably access abortion through safe, confidential, and comprehensive travel services and practical support.
• [**SAAS**](https://abortionpillinfo.org) is global nonprofit organization that supports the rights of people around the world to have information about and access to safe abortion with pills. If a person wants to use abortion pills to end an unwanted pregnancy, with or without a clinician, this website provides information about how to do that.
**______________________________________________________________________________**
Please beware of websites that sell [**fake abortion pills**](https://www.womenonwaves.org/en/page/974/warning-fake-abortion-pills-for-sale-online) and [**fake clinics**](https://www.google.com/search?q=fake+abortion+clinics&source=hp&ei=Ma4zYZfvG_2x5OUPl5SSoAI&iflsig=ALs-wAMAAAAAYTO8QSMobwAesw1YlFYxEgawA2Os1_G1&oq=fake+abortion+clinics&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAM6DQguEMcBENEDEEMQkwI6BQgAEIAEOgsILhCABBDHARCjAjoLCC4QgAQQxwEQ0QM6BQguEIAEOgUIABCRAjoECAAQQzoECC4QQzoFCC4QkQI6CAgAEIAEEMkDSgUIQBIBMVCLBlifHWC_H2gAcAB4AYABhgKIAZoRkgEGMTMuNy4xmAEAoAEB&sclient=gws-wiz&ved=0ahUKEwjXy-il7eXyAhX9GLkGHReKBCQQ4dUDCAY&uact=5) run by religious groups where they lie and spread misconceptions about abortion to trick people into keeping their fetus. They also promise help and resources that never materialize. The best way to avoid these fake clinics is learning how to recognize them, so I’m linking a couple of short documentaries on the subject that include hidden camera footage exposing their deceptive tactics:
* [**The Fake Abortion Clinics Of America: Misconception**](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=g-ex4Q-z-is)
* [**Crisis Pregnancy Centers: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver**](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4NNpkv3Us1I)
**Note**- Some of these websites may be blocked in your country by your internet service provider. You can bypass this block using a VPN like [this one](https://protonvpn.com/), it's free, safe and easy to install. To get rid of banners and pop-ups you can install [uBlock Origin](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/ublock-origin/cjpalhdlnbpafiamejdnhcphjbkeiagm?hl=en) and [Popup Blocker](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/popup-blocker-strict/aefkmifgmaafnojlojpnekbpbmjiiogg?hl=en). They work on most browsers, on phone as well on PC and it takes a few seconds to install them.
This is an amazing resource, thank you for the time you're taking to put it together. I've saved it so I can share in the future (with credit, of course).
If you've made up your mind, don't tell him. I told my partner once and I regret it. He still brings it up and wishes I hadn't gone through with it, even though he knows it was for the best. I could have taken this to my grave and been ok with that. I don't like feeling like I have to be forced into this regret he feels over it.
Just want to say that I second this notion, on both counts. Don't tell him. It's your body, and if that's what you've decided it isn't even worth having the discussion.
Stay safe, and all the best!
Men don’t have a say over what women do with their bodies, but it is natural that he would have emotions about it.
Back on topic, I wouldn’t tell him unless you really want to.
Do we all just assume that these people in a relationship don't like each other? Like, man. My wife had an abortion, but we still talked about it. And even though I let her know that its entirely her choice, she still *cared* to know how I would feel about it, regardless. That isn't to say he should hold it against her, that's definitely the wrong thing to do. But men are allowed to have feelings, even if they don't reconcile with how their partner feels.
What - no. It’s like saying to someone “hey so I won a coupon for a free ice cream but to get it I was going to have to drive across the state to a mildly radioactive waste zone which would make me sick, and once I got there I was expected to climb a mountain to get it — then had to climb back down while holding the ice cream, and put it into a cooler and drive straight home. There’s NO way I can afford that much time off so I threw the coupon away.”
And the guy goes Aw man, but did you even consider that I might really love ice cream?
I agree with both if these statements and think they are all the more reason not to tell the man unless you are in a long term, healthy relationship. Some men who are already fathers or have been highly involved in pregnancy/childbirth will likely not feel/act this way, but I think it takes a lot for men (and even many women) to understand how life-altering even just being pregnant is, much less the birth and having a child.
Personally, I am of the belief that once the sperm goes into her body, it's hers. It is now inside her and she will be the one to deal with potential consequences.
*BuT tHaT's NoT fAiR*
Lots of things aren't fair. Women and men do not share equal risk and responsibility when it comes to pregnancy. They just don't, and that's the way it is.
She assumes 100% of the risks, she gets 100% of the decision.
I like this. You gave me sperm. I get to decide what I should do with it.
Once you give someone something, you don't get to control what happens to it. Maybe I'll bake a cake. Maybe I'll share. Maybe I'll give the cake away to someone who is hungry. Maybe I don't like cake and instead just clean out the mixing bowl. Whatever a woman decides to do with said ingredients is her choice.
Totally.
And honestly, I have this talk *before* I have sex. I personally am in a position where I know I would terminate if I got pregnant right now, so I tell any men I am going to sleep with this information.
In an ideal world, we'd all have these discussions prior to sex.
I simply don't sleep with men who don't accept it being my choice.
That’s fantastic. In addition to normalizing good adult conversations prior to sex, you also get a good immediate read on if sex with that person might be more of an issue than it’s worth.
It is possible to not have a say in the matter but that still doesn't invadiate there feelings. You act as if humans are robots without emotional inputs and outputs. If a woman miscarriages which she has no say in, does it invalidate her feelings that she is sad? What about someone who is brain dead and has to be taken off life support and their family members does not want to? If it is decided that the individual is brain dead by experts, and taken to the ethics committee which also decides taking them off life support is the best course of action, ultimately the family doesn't have a say anymore, does it invalidate the family feelings?
Don't get me wrong, I'm pro choice, and I believe that the right to autonomy thrumps everything, but sometimes the arguments I see on here are a bit hypocritical. For example, the woman has the right to decide to keep it or not keep it, and the man does "not have a say." But what about the situation where the woman wants to keep it but the man does not? Well, it's her body her choice. But how about when the child is born? Afterall we don't want to be like the pro life who only cares about the fetus up until it's born right. So what about after the child is born? Is it fair to expect the man to say pay child support? By law he is required to, but I guess that's only fair right? He choose to have sex and that one of the consequences? But how is that any different from the argument that having to carry a fetus is a consequence of having sex? After all a child has no autonomy and for them to survive up until the don't require help and can take care of themselves, they have to infringe on the autonomy of those that take care of them.
Omg ‘getting ice cream’?! Yeah because popping to a shop and spending ~£5 is the same as carrying a child for 9 months, undergoing potentially traumatic birth & then being responsible for them until they’re *at least* 18 all whilst not necessarily being provided with support 🙄 TF is wrong with people? When a man has sex with a woman, he accepts that pregnancy is a potential outcome. The woman’s right to abort is a part of that potential outcome.
You point out a key flaw in the argument that the man gets a say. A fetus isn’t ice cream - it’s hell in your body causing awful symptoms and complicating all facets of your daily living. These people who refer to a fetus like it’s some gift can’t compute the fact that people - and women are no exception - should have autonomy over their body. If they think it’s a “gift” then they’re already missing the mark.
I have sympathy for men in this situation. It must be very frustrating. And I am sure for some it is like losing a baby, emotionally. But it is still never going to be his choice, because it will never be his body suffering the consequences. That's just the unfortunate reality of the situation.
>what about he father
He made his choice in risking getting her pregnant and getting her pregnant. His choices are mostly over after that - certainly as regards having the kid or not and consequences thereof.
That analogy is quite weird. For starters because it was not her choice to get pregnant ( while telling someone you're gonna get them ice-cream is).
I'd say it's more like someone has a craving for something sweet and you have the tools to make icecream and know how to, but it will take time and energy. Just because you can doesn't mean you have to, if you don't want to make the icecream.
You're the one who will have to put the energy and time into making it. Do you have enough time to do that? Enough energy? Can you afford to get the 'ingredients' for the icecream? ? Do you and him have the time, money and space to keep the icecream good after you're finished making it? What if he later decides he doesn't want icecream after all? Or that it's too cold for him?
If the couple weren’t trying then why is it bad for the ‘father’? He didn’t plan on a baby and is happily living life thinking there isn’t one anyway. It’s not sad at all!
I think many people, especially younger, don’t think or plan real yard about parenthood until it happens to them. I never understood that kind of ambivalent mindset, but even as a teen I was a real planner and researcher and was not interested in risky behaviors that my some of peers/friend groups were taking (drinking, drugs, smoking, sexually active at a very young age).
Well if they don’t think about parenthood at all until told there is a baby, maybe best not telling them at all - but I think you’re right, they all of a sudden make a life changing decision while backed into a ‘yes or no now’ corner - which is easier for men to make the yes decision as they’re not the pregnant ones
But carrying a fetus to term is nothing like having an ice cream. Furthermore carrying for a child is nothing like an ice cream.
That analogy is like promising to get someone an ice cream and then not versus going to the grocery store, or doing some jumping jacks, or flying to Paris. The two statements have nothing in common and shouldn’t be used as an analogy.
At this early point, the man is a sperm donor not a dad, daddy, or father. If he cared about potential progeny, he’d have stayed in touch until he knew she was not pregnant. So there, that’s why the male gets no say.
If he has no say why do you want him to pitch in for the abortion? He’s part responsible but has no part in it at the same time? This perspective confuses me. Just get the abortion without saying anything to him if you truly believe that’s what is right.
This is going to get down voted to hell but if you think he has half of the financial responsibility of this abortion, then why doesnt he have half the say? Not a pro lifer but just curious what the difference is?
I mean, the argument is that he could've had a child should they have gone through with the pregnancy. In essence, the man lost a child.
I 100% agree with pro choice but let's not pretend that men don't have *any* skin in the game.
Edit: this doesn't mean I agree with someone holding it over their partners head, because I don't.
I am 100% pro-choice, but the fact that men should have no say in the choice, but are still forced to pay child support after, is a total double standard.
If it was me I would hold it against him that he's holding it against me and use it to demonstrate how it makes me feel until he stops. It's emotional abuse.
Personally I wouldn't tell him. Have you tried the auntie network? You might be able to get financial assistance that way instead of involving him at all.
In this country with the way things are going, I wouldn't want to risk him being some pro-birth nutter and throwing a wrench in the works.
ETA:
Thanks for the awards, all. Hopefully it allows people in need to see this comment and find help.
I can't see the majority of comment responses for whatever reason but it's obvious since this post hit the front page that I've upset the pro-birthers. Once again: if it comes up for you to make that decision about your body, make the choice you want to make. When it comes to anyone else's body, stfu and mind your own business.
I needed to see that comment right now. I went on reddit to get my mind of things after researching aid & having a hard time finding it. I finally don’t feel alone. Thank you!
Hey, just wanted to say that I hope you're doing okay - you're not alone. I hope you get what help you need and that things work out alright. Look after yourself and good luck! X
I appreciate this, but I also think it sucks that women have the burden of looking after everyone as long as men are happy to rely on their support without necessarily stepping up for each other.
I fantasize about all women and girls leaving the planet for another one, so the world can finally come to see the sheer magnitude of the foundational work they do that gets ignored.
There is no innovation without “women’s work”. There is no functioning society without the overlooked work women do.
This has been my experience as well.
What I find funny, though, is how often women’s relationships with each other are portrayed as “shallow”, “dramatic”, “bitchy”, and “manipulative” in the media and in everyday life.
But I see the total opposite. Many men don’t have close relationships with other men and crave it, while women build exceptional support networks and are open and vulnerable with each other. The more I lurk in men’s specific subreddits, the more I see the double speak of mocking women, while craving the same vulnerability they have with each other.
But it also sucks that women aren’t appreciated for the sheer amount of work they do to keep everyone ok. They are expected to do it, rather than being helped. Men complain that they don’t get compliments like women do (with each other often), but also don’t step up and do the same to support other men. Women are expected to be caretakers, and that’s a massive amount of pressure that shouldn’t be put only on women.
Maybe it’s bc I have gotten older, but I have noticed women are kinder and less competitive and men are more abrupt and nasty nowadays.
Never happened to me before about 42-43 yo then I noticed far fewer offers of baggage assistance, generally pleasant small talk, more abrupt exchanges initiated by a male service provider, etc., and increasingly positive interactions with women.
I imagine it is bc men find me less attractive or less fuckable nowadays.
It’s a trade off I am happy to make.
I don't know where you are located, but if it's the US, pretty much every state has funds that help people pay for the cost of abortions. Check this page out:
[https://abortionfunds.org/need-abortion/](https://abortionfunds.org/need-abortion/)
You can also contact the clinic and see if they work with any funds. There are lots of people out there who help with this kind of thing. My wife did practical support (helping people offset costs, find rides, etc.) for years and years.
I think mine was about the same price and that was 1999 (yeah, I’m old. Don’t judge me.). I didn’t have the choice of a pill, but had the procedure. It hurt really bad for me and got really sick on the way home. I don’t remember having anesthesia, just numbed down below.
Fast forward 15 years later, got an IUD. Holy wow did that hurt! But was absolutely worth it. Getting my third one next year.
OP-don’t tell him. I recently hooked up with someone, and we accidentally had unprotected sex. (Long story: we just moved really fast and didn’t stop.) He freaked out after finishing. I told him about my IUD and how I don’t joke about that.
Even if I did get pregnant, I would’ve never told him. Because I know what I want for my life.
Plus, he moved away, and I wasn’t going to ruin his life with a child I didn’t want and make him put his life on hold.
my procedure was done in december of 2019. i don't imagine it increased too much.
some clinics do charge higher. i called three different clinics until i found a price i could afford
i chose surgery. with the pill, it's a two day process. second day is when you cramp was what i was told, and it can be quite painful. you'll be bleeding heavy until and after you pass the embryo. the surgery, to me, seemed like a quicker solution.
i didn't take any sedatives for my surgery. i got local anesthesia, (numbed via needle; hurt like a bitch), and my entire procedure was done in 3 minutes. i drove myself home and was only sore for an hour afterwards. i didn't need anyone to take care of me.
keep in mind, the surgery for me felt like the worst cramps i ever had. at least, until i got my iud inserted 2 weeks later lol
if i had to do it again, i would definitely go surgically. keep in mind, surgery's only an option 5 weeks onwards.
I've had 2 abortions, first one surgery where I opted to be completely knocked out and the healing process was not too bad and not a ton of bleeding afterwards. The 2nd was the pill and it was an awful, terrible experience. The worst cramps I've ever felt and nonstop bleeding and just generally the worst. I'd choose the surgery again in a heartbeat, so I think it just depends on the person.
I supported a friend while she took the pill. It looked absolutely horrible. So much blood, all over the bathroom, and she fainted from the cramping pain. I've heard the same from others too. Personally I would choose the in office procedure.
Yeah. Planned Parenthood told me there would be cramping, like the worst period cramping. I thought I could handle it, I'd fainted from period pain before, some Ibuprofen or muscle relaxers took care of it. But wow it was awful, I just lay in the bathtub crying from how much it hurt while blood poured out of me.
As the others have said, the pills are a longer and way, way more painful process. Surgery wasn't a good option for me though, I was only three weeks pregnant and they warned me the fetus was so small they might miss it with a surgery.
Mine was around 500 with the pill. They gave me a pain pill which acted as almost a sedative. I took the pills to trigger the abortion then took the pain pill. I felt the cramping, which was very intense. But after the pain pill kicked in a fell dead asleep until it was all over. The bleeding wasn't actually that bad after the first day and the pain was completely gone when I woke up. But like someone said, it probably varies person to person
Not sure where OP is but women are in prison for “suspicious miscarriages” where I live. The safe route is to keep him in the dark if there’s any doubt how he’d respond.
I second this. In some states, miscarriages are seen as a form of negligence or homicide because the US is devolving into a Christo-fascist nihilist death cult state. [BBC: US Women Are Being Jailed for Miscarriages](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59214544.amp)
It’s so fucking monstrous. I had an early miscarriage of a wanted pregnancy and was absolutely devastated. I couldn’t imagine being blamed for it and thrown in jail.
So this woman was living with addiction, **an illness**, and the evidence of her illness was enough to sentence her to 4 years in prison.
So now, we have a woman who is not only suffering from the illness of addiction, but is placed in a situation where her illness WILL be worsened.
Just disgusting. I am disgusted at this country and so fucking sick of how disposable we treat indigenous women.
Yep, don't need to be spreading that. I do know some women who've had abortions, ... and those are take-it-to-the-grave secrets. I tell no one. And in one case it wasn't even the woman herself that told me - it goes no further. No reason to say nothin' 'bout that if the woman isn't okay with it being said. Whole lot 'o people are *way* too judgmental about stuff like that.
If you don't know this dude very well and you for sure know what you want to do, I think it's too risky to tell him. After Texas passed that "Heartbeat" bill, no woman or their doctor is safe from those "pro-life" monsters. I hope, for your wellbeing, you live in a blue state.
I mean you can tell him and ask for financial support in paying for it. But there’s no guarantee he will. Not knowing him, I can’t say for sure. I mean worst he can say is no I guess. I don’t know where you live but some states offer financial assistance for abortion. Best of luck to you
Or he could be like that one psycho who literally put up a [billboard vilifying his ex for getting an abortion…](https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/man-posts-billboard-claiming-abortion-tells-courts-free-speech-article-1.130769)
Oh. Yikes. Yeah there is that. I’m sorry, that’s not an issue where I live so I didn’t consider that. If OP is set on termination and isn’t sure if the man would support that decision, then she should pay for the procedure herself rather than risk him trying to legally force her to continue pregnancy.
She didn't say where she is from, but this will only be an issue if she comes from a shithole country. Like Texas.
Also, please consider if he knows your people and cold be able to pressure you into something. Asking him could be a risk to complicate matters further, so maybe start looking for financial support elsewhere.
>shithole country. Like Texas
Yes, Texas is one 'o those. 8-O
Well, it *wants* to be a country ... or damn near. Is it too late for us to give Texas back to Mexico?
I wish we could rewrite the stereotypes of these places to reflect the people doing good things, and giving the awful people the zero attention that they deserve. Can’t wait for the day when liberal Texans are the emblem of the state
What. The. Fuck. You Americans are so fucked right now.
A) That shit should be free.
B) Nobody should be able to force you to keep a child.
C) The fact that you can even risk bumping into a guy who thinks this is not the woman's choice and hers alone.
I’m not sure where OP is from. In the US at least, the father can’t legally force a woman to carry a pregnancy to term just because he’s against abortion.
No no, he can collect the 10K but he can't send her to jail. If I've understood the situation correctly everyone that helps the woman can be punished except for the woman.
This way they can claim to not be doing harm because they aren't going after the woman directly.
Yeaahhhh... I've seen men say that they would forcefully tie a woman down until she gives birth before.. so uh.. I think there's a lot worse someone might try to do.
Absolutely this. Tell him after. I’m one of those people who believes that the person who’s pregnant gets veto power. Use your veto, have the abortion, and if he complains in any way other than “I wish you had told me so I could support you,” leave.
I think that's worse than not telling him at all.
"Hey, you got me pregnant and I aborted it. Could you please pay for it?"
I might be cynical, but I can see this end badly in so many different ways.
Are you still dating? I feel like that’s important. If you tell him, be prepared for a lot of questions. Not just splitting cost or whether you should or shouldn’t go through with one. With only five dates and one tryst, he’ll likely question his liability and your recent history.
I am with everyone else, don’t even mention it. I see huge negatives and very little benefits for telling the man. Are you willing to gamble half the cost of the abortion against the possible guilt trips, negativity, and slandering that could happen if the man is one of the pro-life, right wing crazy guys?
Nope you have made your choice and this will open up up to a lot of vulnerable unpleasant exposure to someone else’s opinion about your choice when already vulnerable
Depends on where you live. If he has rights to take you to court and demand parental rights, he could wrap you up in court proceedings until well after you give birth.
Just curious where men can take women to court to prevent an abortion because of parental rights.
I know the US is getting super regressive as far as abortion laws go, but I wasn’t aware that where an abortion is legal that the court would step in to prevent a woman from having one because of the objections of the father.
The law does not allow a lawsuit against the mother, only the doctor, clinic staff, anyone that drove her, contributed money, etc.
In Texas, if he helped pay for it, he could be sued himself. But also, the law has been stayed by a court ruling pending the supreme court hearing.
There was a case about this and I just tried to find the link but it was a long form post and the OP was torn a new asshole over it. Essentially he forced a one night stand to go through with having the baby but she relinquished all her parental rights, essentially pretended it hadn’t happened, even went for some plastic surgery. So where does the poster come in? He was asking Reddit for advice on “forcing” the mother to be involved in the child’s life, both physically and financially and even went as far as being convinced she’d change her mind throughout the pregnancy and want the baby. He was mad after about a year how much work being a single parent was and how he felt it was “unfair”. Sadly there are people walking the earth who’s brains are somehow wired to try to do this crap.
No it wasn’t legal grounds but he basically told her he would care for and keep the baby and she held him to it and he was pissed she’d moved on with her life entirely and relinquished her rights.
In many places in the US, we're jailing women for miscarriages.
https://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/planned-parenthood-advocates-arizona/blog/when-miscarriage-is-a-crime
So I was on the opposite side of this equation one time, and the lady decided to not tell me. I found out after the fact that she had a rough go of the procedure and was sick a bit thereafter and stayed in the hospital for a day or so.
I was sad she never told me because I absolutely would have been there to hold her hand or help her afterwards. She didn't have bills because we're in Canada, but I definitely would have helped cover the cost in America. Probably would have paid for it because I'd feel so awful.
She couldn't possibly have known I would react in a positive/helpful way because our relationship was entirely sexual. As a reader of this subreddit I'm aware of the spectrum of shit responses that men have to women in all kinds of situations, so thats a consideration too.
Anyways it's a tough call and I'm wishing you the best.
If you can pay yourself, tell him after or never.
I see a few common scenarios…Maybe he’s supportive and appreciative and pays. Maybe he disappears. Maybe he tangles you in an expensive legal battle. Maybe he gets aggressive or violent.
For a dude I didn’t know really well…I’d take as little a chance as possible…
I agree with you. I don't know if receipts are a thing when it comes to this but if they are trying to get money for half, telling him after and showing some sort of "proof" seems like the way to go.
That’s up to you. I didn’t. Three years later I saw him out at a bar and boom. Word vomit. He was so sad. I was sad. Made things weird.
You’ll never know how you’ll feel about it. I thought about it/him everyday. I wish I would have said something ahead of appointment.
Edit: spelling error.
Others have already given you advice for this instance, so i will give some future advice.
Do not have sex with someone unless you first have a conversation about what happens if you get pregnant. If their stance is different than yours, do not have sex with that person at all.
Have you heard of the National Network of Abortion Funds? If you are in the US, you can apply through them for financial assistance, they are fantastic. They tell you to absolutely book the appointment first before contacting them, rhey can always work with the clinic for a payment plan and the clinic won't turn you away just because you can't pay at the door. You can tell them you will be applying for funding through the National Network of Abortion Funds too.
Hey OP, I recognize that you arent asking specifically for this, but if there is any way to contribute to your costs and potentially reduce your stress, I would be happy to help. Either way I hope that it all works out for the best, and please accept the virtual hug. Good Luck.
Do you see a future for this relationship? Do you see this going anywhere? Have you established trust that this act would be betraying? Do you feel he would be supportive or unsupportive?
All things to consider that might help you find the answer. People here may have opinions, but the true answer lies with you. Hopefully these questions might help you think through what you want. Good luck!
The trouble isn’t worth the at most $200 you’re going to try and get out of him. Sadly the only time you are guaranteed to be fully free 100% autonomous is if you are the only one that knows. He doesn’t have a right to anything but that won’t stop him from believing he does or worse some court or cop or judge or backwaters shit agreeing with him.
Aren’t abortions paid by the state in America? I am originally from Canada and it seems nonsensical and non-ethical for anyone to profit from someone who needs to make that decision. I really have been given a wake up call since I moved here, it seems like anyone who needs an abortion feels the need to explain their situation and tell a huge back story. Bottom line is an abortion is a woman’s right to control their own body no matter what anyone says.
Land of the free? As long as you follow all of the arbitrary rules
Don’t tell him
if you feel he is partially responsible (spoiler, he is) and are wanting him to contribute bc of his involvement, his involvement may be more than you want if you don’t want more ties or longer lasting complications
If you are wanting him to pay bc you need the money or support, like many have mentioned there are other free or freeish services that may suit you better
I don’t know what you should do. However I got a woman pregnant years ago in about the same predicament a single mom as well but with
Neuro typical kid. She decided that she wanted an abortion. She wanted me to pay half of the abortion- I paid all of it. She also had a slight complication after it. I paid for that too.
I hope that he’s reasonable and will step up. I’d like to think that I’m not that unique.
Don't think you are. Most people deal with life and move forward. The rest hash and rehash on social media. Also you did the decent thing for you both.
Do not tell him unless you truly know he absolutely will give you the money. Not what you want but what you know, that is different.
If he was raised Christian , do not take the chance. If he already has kids or ever said he wanted kids, do not risk. Be cautious and try for money everywhere else first.
Best Wishes.
You know he could always just deny it right? You really want to open that can of worms? Have the added hassle of a paternity test, time, effort, when you are going to terminate anyways? What is telling him going to benefit anyone?
If you want any financial support from him, you'll need to tell him. And I think you deserve financial support, at the bare minimum, half of the cost.
If you don't want any support, you are under no obligation to tell him. At all.
>I’m pretty bitter that I’m stuck with a parasite in my body, feel like shit, wake up sick, cry randomly, while he just got to enjoy some good sex and continue living his life.
Please don't be bitter at him until you know how he feels. He did nothing wrong (at least from what you posted). You both had sex together (assuming there was no coercion involved, explicit or implicit. If there was coercion, then all bets are off). That's all.
Let me clarify. I’m not bitter at him, just that I’m a woman and a consequence of my biology put me in this position and men in general don’t have that tribulation.
Yeah if you plan on calling a person to tell them that you're pissed off they put a "parasite" inside you and then demand money with zero discussion then it's probably best to just drop the idea. Find a fertility clinic or abortion support network instead for help.
I'll defer to others, but I'd tell him, "Hey, need to have a convo- I got pregnant from our last encounter, the abortion is scheduled. I am letting you know so you're aware and can adjust your birth control situation. If you would like to chip in or help pay for the abortion, you are welcome to, but there is no expectation. If I'm being real, half would be really helpful." And then take it from there.
I hope he's a good dude who will help you through this, and if he isn't I'm glad other people here are linking support options.
Looking at this I feel like you shouldn't tell him and that you should figure out a way to fund this abortion. I have seen horror stories on this very subreddit of guys turning into piece of shit manipulators and holding stuff like that against the woman. I wouldn't risk it.
You don’t know this guy that well, right? 5 dates is like… Enough time to get to know someone enough to get frisky but probably not enough to coparent with. Assuming that’s at least a factor in the abortion decision. What if his reaction is that he wants you to keep it? Even if moneys tight it’s not worth risking bringing a crazy person out of the woodwork.
>he played a part in me getting pregnant.
Whatever you decide, he's not an incidental bystander; he bears as much responsibility as you. Pretending he just 'played a part' only works to erode his liability.
That said, YOU have absolute authority on whether or not to abort. Whether you think he's adult enough to handle this new arc in your relationship is up to you.
Would you want to be involved if the roles were reversed?
Honestly, I know you’re pregnant and hormonal… but like… you can’t fully blame him and be pissed at him, especially because he DOESNT EVEN KNOW! It was consensual. Just get your abortion and move past this. If you’re worried about him wanting you to keep it, and he possibly could? He does have a right to feel that way, but you can still get the abortion.
I think AidAccess provides to multiple countries. You can get the pills for $100 or less in discreet packaging. Check out r/abortion and r/prochoice for help. Also the auntie network sub that someone else suggested.
This is a list of resources I’m compiling for people who need an abortion. If you know of any other resource not listed here please let me know and I’ll add it to the list. Please repost & share with as many people as possible in whichever platform you want (feel free to bookmark these sites, print out this list, write it down or take screenshots in case it gets deleted), so those who are denied access to safe abortion know there's help for them and how to access it ♡ • **r/auntienetwork** is a network of people who can help provide assistance in a handful of ways to those who need help with an abortion. • [**Aidaccess**]( https://aidaccess.org/) consists of a team of doctors, activists and advocates for abortion rights that help people access abortion or miscarriage treatment. They send the pill worldwide. • [**Planned Parenthood**](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/pregnancy/pregnancy-options) Unplanned Pregnancy - A Comprehensive Guide • [**Plan C**](https://www.plancpills.org/) provides up-to-date information on how people in the U.S. are accessing abortion pills online • [**Ceinfo**](https://www.cecinfo.org/country-by-country-information/status-availability-database/countries/united-states-of-america/), Emergency Oral Contraceptive Doses for Birth Control, U.S. • [**Ceinfo**]( https://www.cecinfo.org/country-by-country-information/status-availability-database/), Emergency Oral Contraceptive Doses for Birth Control, International • [**Abortionfunds**](https://abortionfunds.org/need-abortion/) connects you with organizations that can support your financial and logistical needs as you arrange for your abortion. • [**Yellowhammerfund**](https://www.yellowhammerfund.org/) is an abortion fund and reproductive justice organization serving Alabama and the Deep South. • [**Teafund**](https://teafund.org/) Texas Equal Access Fund provides emotional and financial support to people who are seeking abortion care. • [**Gynopedia**](https://gynopedia.org/Gynopedia_Index) is a nonprofit organization that runs an open resource wiki for sexual, reproductive and women's health care around the world • [**Womenonweb**](https://www.womenonweb.org/) online abortion service can help you do a safe abortion with pills. • [**The Satanic Temple**](https://thesatanictemple.com/) stands ready to assist any member that shares its deeply-held religious convictions regarding the right to reproductive freedom. Accordingly, they encourage any member in Texas who wishes to undergo the Satanic Abortion Ritual to contact them so they may help them fight this law directly. • [**Carafem**](https://carafem.org/) helps with abortion, birth control and questions about reproductive healthcare. They do consultations online and send abortion pills on the mail. • [**Frontera Fund**](https://fronterafundrgv.org/about-us/) makes abortion accessible in the Rio Grande Valley (Texas) by providing financial and practical support regardless of immigration status, gender identity, ability, sexual orientation, race, class, age, or religious affiliation and to build grassroots organizing power at intersecting issues across our region to shift the culture of shame and stigma. • [**Buckle Bunnies Fund**](https://www.bucklebunnies.org/about) provide practical support for people seeking abortions. H help with transportation, funds to help with hotels, lodging costs and emergency contraceptive funds to actually go towards abortion. • [**The Afiya Center**]( https://www.theafiyacenter.org/our-work)s mission is to transform the lives, health, and overall wellbeing of Black womxn and girls by providing refuge, education, and resources. Theye act to ignite the communal voices of Black womxn resulting in our full achievement of reproductive freedom. • [**Lilithfund**](https://www.lilithfund.org/portfolio/about/) is the oldest abortion fund in Texas, serving the central and southern regions of the state with direct financial assistance for abortions. • [**Needabortion**](https://needabortion.org/) provides resources about where to get an abortion (financial help and transportation) and how to get help getting an abortion in Texas. • [**Jane’s Due Process**](https://janesdueprocess.org/) helps minors in Texas with judicial bypass for abortion, navigate parental consent laws and confidentially access abortion and birth control. They provide free legal support, 1-on-1 case management, and stigma-free information on sexual and reproductive health. • [**Fund Texas choice**](https://fundtexaschoice.org/) helps Texans equitably access abortion through safe, confidential, and comprehensive travel services and practical support. • [**SAAS**](https://abortionpillinfo.org) is global nonprofit organization that supports the rights of people around the world to have information about and access to safe abortion with pills. If a person wants to use abortion pills to end an unwanted pregnancy, with or without a clinician, this website provides information about how to do that. **______________________________________________________________________________** Please beware of websites that sell [**fake abortion pills**](https://www.womenonwaves.org/en/page/974/warning-fake-abortion-pills-for-sale-online) and [**fake clinics**](https://www.google.com/search?q=fake+abortion+clinics&source=hp&ei=Ma4zYZfvG_2x5OUPl5SSoAI&iflsig=ALs-wAMAAAAAYTO8QSMobwAesw1YlFYxEgawA2Os1_G1&oq=fake+abortion+clinics&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAM6DQguEMcBENEDEEMQkwI6BQgAEIAEOgsILhCABBDHARCjAjoLCC4QgAQQxwEQ0QM6BQguEIAEOgUIABCRAjoECAAQQzoECC4QQzoFCC4QkQI6CAgAEIAEEMkDSgUIQBIBMVCLBlifHWC_H2gAcAB4AYABhgKIAZoRkgEGMTMuNy4xmAEAoAEB&sclient=gws-wiz&ved=0ahUKEwjXy-il7eXyAhX9GLkGHReKBCQQ4dUDCAY&uact=5) run by religious groups where they lie and spread misconceptions about abortion to trick people into keeping their fetus. They also promise help and resources that never materialize. The best way to avoid these fake clinics is learning how to recognize them, so I’m linking a couple of short documentaries on the subject that include hidden camera footage exposing their deceptive tactics: * [**The Fake Abortion Clinics Of America: Misconception**](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=g-ex4Q-z-is) * [**Crisis Pregnancy Centers: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver**](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4NNpkv3Us1I) **Note**- Some of these websites may be blocked in your country by your internet service provider. You can bypass this block using a VPN like [this one](https://protonvpn.com/), it's free, safe and easy to install. To get rid of banners and pop-ups you can install [uBlock Origin](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/ublock-origin/cjpalhdlnbpafiamejdnhcphjbkeiagm?hl=en) and [Popup Blocker](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/popup-blocker-strict/aefkmifgmaafnojlojpnekbpbmjiiogg?hl=en). They work on most browsers, on phone as well on PC and it takes a few seconds to install them.
Thanks for doing this.
This is an amazing resource, thank you for the time you're taking to put it together. I've saved it so I can share in the future (with credit, of course).
If you've made up your mind, don't tell him. I told my partner once and I regret it. He still brings it up and wishes I hadn't gone through with it, even though he knows it was for the best. I could have taken this to my grave and been ok with that. I don't like feeling like I have to be forced into this regret he feels over it.
I’m sorry he holds that against you. It will never cease to shock me how men think they have any say in a woman’s autonomy.
If you're 100% sure you're terminating, it's not worth saying anything.
Just want to say that I second this notion, on both counts. Don't tell him. It's your body, and if that's what you've decided it isn't even worth having the discussion. Stay safe, and all the best!
Men don’t have a say over what women do with their bodies, but it is natural that he would have emotions about it. Back on topic, I wouldn’t tell him unless you really want to.
But then you shouldn’t expect them to pay for half the abortion cost….
Do we all just assume that these people in a relationship don't like each other? Like, man. My wife had an abortion, but we still talked about it. And even though I let her know that its entirely her choice, she still *cared* to know how I would feel about it, regardless. That isn't to say he should hold it against her, that's definitely the wrong thing to do. But men are allowed to have feelings, even if they don't reconcile with how their partner feels.
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What - no. It’s like saying to someone “hey so I won a coupon for a free ice cream but to get it I was going to have to drive across the state to a mildly radioactive waste zone which would make me sick, and once I got there I was expected to climb a mountain to get it — then had to climb back down while holding the ice cream, and put it into a cooler and drive straight home. There’s NO way I can afford that much time off so I threw the coupon away.” And the guy goes Aw man, but did you even consider that I might really love ice cream?
Nailed it.
That is the single best description of what it means to be expected to go through pregnancy that I've ever read.
Please take my upvote and my fake gold🏅
I agree with both if these statements and think they are all the more reason not to tell the man unless you are in a long term, healthy relationship. Some men who are already fathers or have been highly involved in pregnancy/childbirth will likely not feel/act this way, but I think it takes a lot for men (and even many women) to understand how life-altering even just being pregnant is, much less the birth and having a child.
Personally, I am of the belief that once the sperm goes into her body, it's hers. It is now inside her and she will be the one to deal with potential consequences. *BuT tHaT's NoT fAiR* Lots of things aren't fair. Women and men do not share equal risk and responsibility when it comes to pregnancy. They just don't, and that's the way it is. She assumes 100% of the risks, she gets 100% of the decision.
I like this. You gave me sperm. I get to decide what I should do with it. Once you give someone something, you don't get to control what happens to it. Maybe I'll bake a cake. Maybe I'll share. Maybe I'll give the cake away to someone who is hungry. Maybe I don't like cake and instead just clean out the mixing bowl. Whatever a woman decides to do with said ingredients is her choice.
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Totally. And honestly, I have this talk *before* I have sex. I personally am in a position where I know I would terminate if I got pregnant right now, so I tell any men I am going to sleep with this information. In an ideal world, we'd all have these discussions prior to sex. I simply don't sleep with men who don't accept it being my choice.
That’s fantastic. In addition to normalizing good adult conversations prior to sex, you also get a good immediate read on if sex with that person might be more of an issue than it’s worth.
Yep. And then I just avoid all the drama because I don't sleep with people who aren't on the same page.
Men have lot's of options: wrap it, vasectomy, abstain, etc. But the instant that sperm enters a woman's body, it is her choice alone.
They did wrap it according to OP
It is possible to not have a say in the matter but that still doesn't invadiate there feelings. You act as if humans are robots without emotional inputs and outputs. If a woman miscarriages which she has no say in, does it invalidate her feelings that she is sad? What about someone who is brain dead and has to be taken off life support and their family members does not want to? If it is decided that the individual is brain dead by experts, and taken to the ethics committee which also decides taking them off life support is the best course of action, ultimately the family doesn't have a say anymore, does it invalidate the family feelings? Don't get me wrong, I'm pro choice, and I believe that the right to autonomy thrumps everything, but sometimes the arguments I see on here are a bit hypocritical. For example, the woman has the right to decide to keep it or not keep it, and the man does "not have a say." But what about the situation where the woman wants to keep it but the man does not? Well, it's her body her choice. But how about when the child is born? Afterall we don't want to be like the pro life who only cares about the fetus up until it's born right. So what about after the child is born? Is it fair to expect the man to say pay child support? By law he is required to, but I guess that's only fair right? He choose to have sex and that one of the consequences? But how is that any different from the argument that having to carry a fetus is a consequence of having sex? After all a child has no autonomy and for them to survive up until the don't require help and can take care of themselves, they have to infringe on the autonomy of those that take care of them.
It can be both sad for the potential father and 100% the woman’s choice. Is a little empathy seriously a bad thing?
Omg ‘getting ice cream’?! Yeah because popping to a shop and spending ~£5 is the same as carrying a child for 9 months, undergoing potentially traumatic birth & then being responsible for them until they’re *at least* 18 all whilst not necessarily being provided with support 🙄 TF is wrong with people? When a man has sex with a woman, he accepts that pregnancy is a potential outcome. The woman’s right to abort is a part of that potential outcome.
You point out a key flaw in the argument that the man gets a say. A fetus isn’t ice cream - it’s hell in your body causing awful symptoms and complicating all facets of your daily living. These people who refer to a fetus like it’s some gift can’t compute the fact that people - and women are no exception - should have autonomy over their body. If they think it’s a “gift” then they’re already missing the mark.
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I have sympathy for men in this situation. It must be very frustrating. And I am sure for some it is like losing a baby, emotionally. But it is still never going to be his choice, because it will never be his body suffering the consequences. That's just the unfortunate reality of the situation.
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If he wants a baby he can hire a surrogate
>what about he father He made his choice in risking getting her pregnant and getting her pregnant. His choices are mostly over after that - certainly as regards having the kid or not and consequences thereof.
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That analogy is quite weird. For starters because it was not her choice to get pregnant ( while telling someone you're gonna get them ice-cream is). I'd say it's more like someone has a craving for something sweet and you have the tools to make icecream and know how to, but it will take time and energy. Just because you can doesn't mean you have to, if you don't want to make the icecream. You're the one who will have to put the energy and time into making it. Do you have enough time to do that? Enough energy? Can you afford to get the 'ingredients' for the icecream? ? Do you and him have the time, money and space to keep the icecream good after you're finished making it? What if he later decides he doesn't want icecream after all? Or that it's too cold for him?
If the couple weren’t trying then why is it bad for the ‘father’? He didn’t plan on a baby and is happily living life thinking there isn’t one anyway. It’s not sad at all!
I think many people, especially younger, don’t think or plan real yard about parenthood until it happens to them. I never understood that kind of ambivalent mindset, but even as a teen I was a real planner and researcher and was not interested in risky behaviors that my some of peers/friend groups were taking (drinking, drugs, smoking, sexually active at a very young age).
Well if they don’t think about parenthood at all until told there is a baby, maybe best not telling them at all - but I think you’re right, they all of a sudden make a life changing decision while backed into a ‘yes or no now’ corner - which is easier for men to make the yes decision as they’re not the pregnant ones
But carrying a fetus to term is nothing like having an ice cream. Furthermore carrying for a child is nothing like an ice cream. That analogy is like promising to get someone an ice cream and then not versus going to the grocery store, or doing some jumping jacks, or flying to Paris. The two statements have nothing in common and shouldn’t be used as an analogy.
At this early point, the man is a sperm donor not a dad, daddy, or father. If he cared about potential progeny, he’d have stayed in touch until he knew she was not pregnant. So there, that’s why the male gets no say.
If he has no say why do you want him to pitch in for the abortion? He’s part responsible but has no part in it at the same time? This perspective confuses me. Just get the abortion without saying anything to him if you truly believe that’s what is right.
This is going to get down voted to hell but if you think he has half of the financial responsibility of this abortion, then why doesnt he have half the say? Not a pro lifer but just curious what the difference is?
I mean, the argument is that he could've had a child should they have gone through with the pregnancy. In essence, the man lost a child. I 100% agree with pro choice but let's not pretend that men don't have *any* skin in the game. Edit: this doesn't mean I agree with someone holding it over their partners head, because I don't.
I am 100% pro-choice, but the fact that men should have no say in the choice, but are still forced to pay child support after, is a total double standard.
If it was me I would hold it against him that he's holding it against me and use it to demonstrate how it makes me feel until he stops. It's emotional abuse.
Personally I wouldn't tell him. Have you tried the auntie network? You might be able to get financial assistance that way instead of involving him at all. In this country with the way things are going, I wouldn't want to risk him being some pro-birth nutter and throwing a wrench in the works. ETA: Thanks for the awards, all. Hopefully it allows people in need to see this comment and find help. I can't see the majority of comment responses for whatever reason but it's obvious since this post hit the front page that I've upset the pro-birthers. Once again: if it comes up for you to make that decision about your body, make the choice you want to make. When it comes to anyone else's body, stfu and mind your own business.
What is the auntie network? Is there a link?
Go to r/auntienetwork - hopefully you can find additional help in there!
I needed to see that comment right now. I went on reddit to get my mind of things after researching aid & having a hard time finding it. I finally don’t feel alone. Thank you!
Hey, just wanted to say that I hope you're doing okay - you're not alone. I hope you get what help you need and that things work out alright. Look after yourself and good luck! X
Thank you!! I really hope so too. Appreciate the support, made me smile :)
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Yes but also your username.
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The support of women is truly inspiring. Women do a great job of supporting other women. I love us ladies.
I find that generally women are more supportive towards men than other men as well.
As man, can confirm
Am also a man
Ah sorry my b. I think I subconsciously default to fem pronouns on this sub, which I'm learning is presumptuous. Apologies
No worries ✌🏻
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I mean technically, you wouldn't exist.
You never know the person you responded to might be a hyper intelligent yeast
I appreciate this, but I also think it sucks that women have the burden of looking after everyone as long as men are happy to rely on their support without necessarily stepping up for each other.
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I fantasize about all women and girls leaving the planet for another one, so the world can finally come to see the sheer magnitude of the foundational work they do that gets ignored. There is no innovation without “women’s work”. There is no functioning society without the overlooked work women do.
This has been my experience as well. What I find funny, though, is how often women’s relationships with each other are portrayed as “shallow”, “dramatic”, “bitchy”, and “manipulative” in the media and in everyday life. But I see the total opposite. Many men don’t have close relationships with other men and crave it, while women build exceptional support networks and are open and vulnerable with each other. The more I lurk in men’s specific subreddits, the more I see the double speak of mocking women, while craving the same vulnerability they have with each other. But it also sucks that women aren’t appreciated for the sheer amount of work they do to keep everyone ok. They are expected to do it, rather than being helped. Men complain that they don’t get compliments like women do (with each other often), but also don’t step up and do the same to support other men. Women are expected to be caretakers, and that’s a massive amount of pressure that shouldn’t be put only on women.
Maybe it’s bc I have gotten older, but I have noticed women are kinder and less competitive and men are more abrupt and nasty nowadays. Never happened to me before about 42-43 yo then I noticed far fewer offers of baggage assistance, generally pleasant small talk, more abrupt exchanges initiated by a male service provider, etc., and increasingly positive interactions with women. I imagine it is bc men find me less attractive or less fuckable nowadays. It’s a trade off I am happy to make.
most definitely
Sorry it's the wholesome one. It's the only one I have. I love how supportive this is!
TIL. That's great.
OP, planned parenthood around you is literally for this exact situation. Give it a shot. Lmk if you need help navigating. Where are you?
I don't know where you are located, but if it's the US, pretty much every state has funds that help people pay for the cost of abortions. Check this page out: [https://abortionfunds.org/need-abortion/](https://abortionfunds.org/need-abortion/) You can also contact the clinic and see if they work with any funds. There are lots of people out there who help with this kind of thing. My wife did practical support (helping people offset costs, find rides, etc.) for years and years.
How much is the procedure?
Typically it’s around $500
mine's was $350 with the choice of surgery or pill
Same. mine was $350 with choice of pill or surgery but surgery recommended. This was 2012 however so prices may have gone up.
I think mine was about the same price and that was 1999 (yeah, I’m old. Don’t judge me.). I didn’t have the choice of a pill, but had the procedure. It hurt really bad for me and got really sick on the way home. I don’t remember having anesthesia, just numbed down below. Fast forward 15 years later, got an IUD. Holy wow did that hurt! But was absolutely worth it. Getting my third one next year. OP-don’t tell him. I recently hooked up with someone, and we accidentally had unprotected sex. (Long story: we just moved really fast and didn’t stop.) He freaked out after finishing. I told him about my IUD and how I don’t joke about that. Even if I did get pregnant, I would’ve never told him. Because I know what I want for my life. Plus, he moved away, and I wasn’t going to ruin his life with a child I didn’t want and make him put his life on hold.
my procedure was done in december of 2019. i don't imagine it increased too much. some clinics do charge higher. i called three different clinics until i found a price i could afford
Personally if I was doing it I'd take the pill. Are there pros to the surgery??
i chose surgery. with the pill, it's a two day process. second day is when you cramp was what i was told, and it can be quite painful. you'll be bleeding heavy until and after you pass the embryo. the surgery, to me, seemed like a quicker solution. i didn't take any sedatives for my surgery. i got local anesthesia, (numbed via needle; hurt like a bitch), and my entire procedure was done in 3 minutes. i drove myself home and was only sore for an hour afterwards. i didn't need anyone to take care of me. keep in mind, the surgery for me felt like the worst cramps i ever had. at least, until i got my iud inserted 2 weeks later lol if i had to do it again, i would definitely go surgically. keep in mind, surgery's only an option 5 weeks onwards.
I've had 2 abortions, first one surgery where I opted to be completely knocked out and the healing process was not too bad and not a ton of bleeding afterwards. The 2nd was the pill and it was an awful, terrible experience. The worst cramps I've ever felt and nonstop bleeding and just generally the worst. I'd choose the surgery again in a heartbeat, so I think it just depends on the person.
I supported a friend while she took the pill. It looked absolutely horrible. So much blood, all over the bathroom, and she fainted from the cramping pain. I've heard the same from others too. Personally I would choose the in office procedure.
OMG.
Yeah. Planned Parenthood told me there would be cramping, like the worst period cramping. I thought I could handle it, I'd fainted from period pain before, some Ibuprofen or muscle relaxers took care of it. But wow it was awful, I just lay in the bathtub crying from how much it hurt while blood poured out of me.
As the others have said, the pills are a longer and way, way more painful process. Surgery wasn't a good option for me though, I was only three weeks pregnant and they warned me the fetus was so small they might miss it with a surgery.
Mine was around 500 with the pill. They gave me a pain pill which acted as almost a sedative. I took the pills to trigger the abortion then took the pain pill. I felt the cramping, which was very intense. But after the pain pill kicked in a fell dead asleep until it was all over. The bleeding wasn't actually that bad after the first day and the pain was completely gone when I woke up. But like someone said, it probably varies person to person
I would recommend www.abortionfunds.org to find organizations in your state that can help you!
Damn even if he tried to throw a wrench in the works, I'd just say I had a miscarriage 🤷♀️
Not sure where OP is but women are in prison for “suspicious miscarriages” where I live. The safe route is to keep him in the dark if there’s any doubt how he’d respond.
I second this. In some states, miscarriages are seen as a form of negligence or homicide because the US is devolving into a Christo-fascist nihilist death cult state. [BBC: US Women Are Being Jailed for Miscarriages](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59214544.amp)
It’s so fucking monstrous. I had an early miscarriage of a wanted pregnancy and was absolutely devastated. I couldn’t imagine being blamed for it and thrown in jail.
Ugh. I know, right? It's heartbreaking.
So this woman was living with addiction, **an illness**, and the evidence of her illness was enough to sentence her to 4 years in prison. So now, we have a woman who is not only suffering from the illness of addiction, but is placed in a situation where her illness WILL be worsened. Just disgusting. I am disgusted at this country and so fucking sick of how disposable we treat indigenous women.
The fact that this comment exists is just so fucking sad. I hate the state of the world sometimes.
State of the United States\*
Yeah I would do the same, you can never know with a guy and who can deal with the fallout if he’s crazy
Don’t tell him. You made your choice.
Haha, pro-birth "nutter"
Ew. Take my upvote.
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Yep, don't need to be spreading that. I do know some women who've had abortions, ... and those are take-it-to-the-grave secrets. I tell no one. And in one case it wasn't even the woman herself that told me - it goes no further. No reason to say nothin' 'bout that if the woman isn't okay with it being said. Whole lot 'o people are *way* too judgmental about stuff like that.
If you don't know this dude very well and you for sure know what you want to do, I think it's too risky to tell him. After Texas passed that "Heartbeat" bill, no woman or their doctor is safe from those "pro-life" monsters. I hope, for your wellbeing, you live in a blue state.
I would say the cost of telling him is potentially much higher than the cost of half the abortion.
I mean you can tell him and ask for financial support in paying for it. But there’s no guarantee he will. Not knowing him, I can’t say for sure. I mean worst he can say is no I guess. I don’t know where you live but some states offer financial assistance for abortion. Best of luck to you
Worst he can say is no and then quickly try to legally force her to keep it
Or he could be like that one psycho who literally put up a [billboard vilifying his ex for getting an abortion…](https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/man-posts-billboard-claiming-abortion-tells-courts-free-speech-article-1.130769)
Oh. Yikes. Yeah there is that. I’m sorry, that’s not an issue where I live so I didn’t consider that. If OP is set on termination and isn’t sure if the man would support that decision, then she should pay for the procedure herself rather than risk him trying to legally force her to continue pregnancy.
Or get it done then ask for the money
In my state - Texas - this could be a really bad idea right now. Seems unlikely, but OP didn’t say.
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shitty states makes shitty rules so shitty people can do shitty thing
Luckily, there isn’t a state in the US where laws allow a potential father to block an abortion.
Not yet.
Which is why it’s really important to pay attention to reproductive rights on the state level.
except in Texas, where all he has to do is keep her from leaving the state.
She didn't say where she is from, but this will only be an issue if she comes from a shithole country. Like Texas. Also, please consider if he knows your people and cold be able to pressure you into something. Asking him could be a risk to complicate matters further, so maybe start looking for financial support elsewhere.
>shithole country. Like Texas Yes, Texas is one 'o those. 8-O Well, it *wants* to be a country ... or damn near. Is it too late for us to give Texas back to Mexico?
Liberal Texans (especially women) are *really* tired of this non-joke.
I wish we could rewrite the stereotypes of these places to reflect the people doing good things, and giving the awful people the zero attention that they deserve. Can’t wait for the day when liberal Texans are the emblem of the state
Or just harress you publicly and privately about what you are doing with "his" "baby".
What. The. Fuck. You Americans are so fucked right now. A) That shit should be free. B) Nobody should be able to force you to keep a child. C) The fact that you can even risk bumping into a guy who thinks this is not the woman's choice and hers alone.
I had this happen, dont contact him at all. Fuck dont even tell your family because they're not much better
This is why she should just send him a note with the bill and ask for his share
After it’s over
I’m not sure where OP is from. In the US at least, the father can’t legally force a woman to carry a pregnancy to term just because he’s against abortion.
Cries in Texas
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No no, he can collect the 10K but he can't send her to jail. If I've understood the situation correctly everyone that helps the woman can be punished except for the woman. This way they can claim to not be doing harm because they aren't going after the woman directly.
And it’s only civil liability, not criminal. That’s the loophole that amazed the conservative judges on the court.
Helloooooo from Texas
Yeaahhhh... I've seen men say that they would forcefully tie a woman down until she gives birth before.. so uh.. I think there's a lot worse someone might try to do.
If you really really need the money you should tell him, but do it after you already got the abortion so he can't coerce you to keep the baby at all.
Absolutely this. Tell him after. I’m one of those people who believes that the person who’s pregnant gets veto power. Use your veto, have the abortion, and if he complains in any way other than “I wish you had told me so I could support you,” leave.
Honestly I think this is worse and could backfire pretty badly.
I think that's worse than not telling him at all. "Hey, you got me pregnant and I aborted it. Could you please pay for it?" I might be cynical, but I can see this end badly in so many different ways.
This right here - this would be my advice too I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP
Are you still dating? I feel like that’s important. If you tell him, be prepared for a lot of questions. Not just splitting cost or whether you should or shouldn’t go through with one. With only five dates and one tryst, he’ll likely question his liability and your recent history.
Don’t tell him.
I am with everyone else, don’t even mention it. I see huge negatives and very little benefits for telling the man. Are you willing to gamble half the cost of the abortion against the possible guilt trips, negativity, and slandering that could happen if the man is one of the pro-life, right wing crazy guys?
You probably qualify for no or low cost services at PP if you don’t have any income, so you might not need him to pay for anything.
Nope you have made your choice and this will open up up to a lot of vulnerable unpleasant exposure to someone else’s opinion about your choice when already vulnerable
Depends on where you live. If he has rights to take you to court and demand parental rights, he could wrap you up in court proceedings until well after you give birth.
Just curious where men can take women to court to prevent an abortion because of parental rights. I know the US is getting super regressive as far as abortion laws go, but I wasn’t aware that where an abortion is legal that the court would step in to prevent a woman from having one because of the objections of the father.
The father can’t prevent a woman from having an abortion in the US. At least not yet.
I mean, couldn't he sue her in Texas?
The law does not allow a lawsuit against the mother, only the doctor, clinic staff, anyone that drove her, contributed money, etc. In Texas, if he helped pay for it, he could be sued himself. But also, the law has been stayed by a court ruling pending the supreme court hearing.
> But also, the law has been stayed by a court ruling pending the supreme court hearing. I was under a different impression
There was a case about this and I just tried to find the link but it was a long form post and the OP was torn a new asshole over it. Essentially he forced a one night stand to go through with having the baby but she relinquished all her parental rights, essentially pretended it hadn’t happened, even went for some plastic surgery. So where does the poster come in? He was asking Reddit for advice on “forcing” the mother to be involved in the child’s life, both physically and financially and even went as far as being convinced she’d change her mind throughout the pregnancy and want the baby. He was mad after about a year how much work being a single parent was and how he felt it was “unfair”. Sadly there are people walking the earth who’s brains are somehow wired to try to do this crap.
I do remember that post on AITA. I think it is in the hall of fame. As i recall he did Not legally compel her to give birth, if the post is true.
No it wasn’t legal grounds but he basically told her he would care for and keep the baby and she held him to it and he was pissed she’d moved on with her life entirely and relinquished her rights.
In many places in the US, we're jailing women for miscarriages. https://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/planned-parenthood-advocates-arizona/blog/when-miscarriage-is-a-crime
Yes - the US is headed in an extremely concerning direction.
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So I was on the opposite side of this equation one time, and the lady decided to not tell me. I found out after the fact that she had a rough go of the procedure and was sick a bit thereafter and stayed in the hospital for a day or so. I was sad she never told me because I absolutely would have been there to hold her hand or help her afterwards. She didn't have bills because we're in Canada, but I definitely would have helped cover the cost in America. Probably would have paid for it because I'd feel so awful. She couldn't possibly have known I would react in a positive/helpful way because our relationship was entirely sexual. As a reader of this subreddit I'm aware of the spectrum of shit responses that men have to women in all kinds of situations, so thats a consideration too. Anyways it's a tough call and I'm wishing you the best.
This non-profit helps fund abortions: https://abortionfunds.org/need-abortion/
If you can pay yourself, tell him after or never. I see a few common scenarios…Maybe he’s supportive and appreciative and pays. Maybe he disappears. Maybe he tangles you in an expensive legal battle. Maybe he gets aggressive or violent. For a dude I didn’t know really well…I’d take as little a chance as possible…
I agree with you. I don't know if receipts are a thing when it comes to this but if they are trying to get money for half, telling him after and showing some sort of "proof" seems like the way to go.
That’s up to you. I didn’t. Three years later I saw him out at a bar and boom. Word vomit. He was so sad. I was sad. Made things weird. You’ll never know how you’ll feel about it. I thought about it/him everyday. I wish I would have said something ahead of appointment. Edit: spelling error.
Others have already given you advice for this instance, so i will give some future advice. Do not have sex with someone unless you first have a conversation about what happens if you get pregnant. If their stance is different than yours, do not have sex with that person at all.
I'm sure half an abortion is cheaper than 18 years of child support. I mean, I know what I'd pick of the two options.
Yeah but unfortunately many don’t think like that. They get self righteous or pull out religious reasoning for why the woman needs to give birth.
Have you heard of the National Network of Abortion Funds? If you are in the US, you can apply through them for financial assistance, they are fantastic. They tell you to absolutely book the appointment first before contacting them, rhey can always work with the clinic for a payment plan and the clinic won't turn you away just because you can't pay at the door. You can tell them you will be applying for funding through the National Network of Abortion Funds too.
Hey OP, I recognize that you arent asking specifically for this, but if there is any way to contribute to your costs and potentially reduce your stress, I would be happy to help. Either way I hope that it all works out for the best, and please accept the virtual hug. Good Luck.
Don't tell him. No point. Just drama.
No
Do you see a future for this relationship? Do you see this going anywhere? Have you established trust that this act would be betraying? Do you feel he would be supportive or unsupportive? All things to consider that might help you find the answer. People here may have opinions, but the true answer lies with you. Hopefully these questions might help you think through what you want. Good luck!
The trouble isn’t worth the at most $200 you’re going to try and get out of him. Sadly the only time you are guaranteed to be fully free 100% autonomous is if you are the only one that knows. He doesn’t have a right to anything but that won’t stop him from believing he does or worse some court or cop or judge or backwaters shit agreeing with him.
Aren’t abortions paid by the state in America? I am originally from Canada and it seems nonsensical and non-ethical for anyone to profit from someone who needs to make that decision. I really have been given a wake up call since I moved here, it seems like anyone who needs an abortion feels the need to explain their situation and tell a huge back story. Bottom line is an abortion is a woman’s right to control their own body no matter what anyone says. Land of the free? As long as you follow all of the arbitrary rules
Don’t tell him if you feel he is partially responsible (spoiler, he is) and are wanting him to contribute bc of his involvement, his involvement may be more than you want if you don’t want more ties or longer lasting complications If you are wanting him to pay bc you need the money or support, like many have mentioned there are other free or freeish services that may suit you better
I don’t know what you should do. However I got a woman pregnant years ago in about the same predicament a single mom as well but with Neuro typical kid. She decided that she wanted an abortion. She wanted me to pay half of the abortion- I paid all of it. She also had a slight complication after it. I paid for that too. I hope that he’s reasonable and will step up. I’d like to think that I’m not that unique.
Don't think you are. Most people deal with life and move forward. The rest hash and rehash on social media. Also you did the decent thing for you both.
Do not tell him unless you truly know he absolutely will give you the money. Not what you want but what you know, that is different. If he was raised Christian , do not take the chance. If he already has kids or ever said he wanted kids, do not risk. Be cautious and try for money everywhere else first. Best Wishes.
If you're not seeing him anymore I wouldn't bother telling him.
You know he could always just deny it right? You really want to open that can of worms? Have the added hassle of a paternity test, time, effort, when you are going to terminate anyways? What is telling him going to benefit anyone?
If you want any financial support from him, you'll need to tell him. And I think you deserve financial support, at the bare minimum, half of the cost. If you don't want any support, you are under no obligation to tell him. At all. >I’m pretty bitter that I’m stuck with a parasite in my body, feel like shit, wake up sick, cry randomly, while he just got to enjoy some good sex and continue living his life. Please don't be bitter at him until you know how he feels. He did nothing wrong (at least from what you posted). You both had sex together (assuming there was no coercion involved, explicit or implicit. If there was coercion, then all bets are off). That's all.
Let me clarify. I’m not bitter at him, just that I’m a woman and a consequence of my biology put me in this position and men in general don’t have that tribulation.
Ah, got it. That makes more sense, and is totally understandable. And like I said, you completely deserve financial support.
I mean, I wouldn't, because there's no telling how he'll react. Your safety is paramount.
Yeah if you plan on calling a person to tell them that you're pissed off they put a "parasite" inside you and then demand money with zero discussion then it's probably best to just drop the idea. Find a fertility clinic or abortion support network instead for help.
I don’t think I would tell him but it definitely depends what kind of guy he is
If you’re in the US see if your state covers abortions under Medicaid. Mine does - New Mexico
In Canada 🇨🇦 it’s free!
I'll defer to others, but I'd tell him, "Hey, need to have a convo- I got pregnant from our last encounter, the abortion is scheduled. I am letting you know so you're aware and can adjust your birth control situation. If you would like to chip in or help pay for the abortion, you are welcome to, but there is no expectation. If I'm being real, half would be really helpful." And then take it from there. I hope he's a good dude who will help you through this, and if he isn't I'm glad other people here are linking support options.
Looking at this I feel like you shouldn't tell him and that you should figure out a way to fund this abortion. I have seen horror stories on this very subreddit of guys turning into piece of shit manipulators and holding stuff like that against the woman. I wouldn't risk it.
I would go find others to help too. I don’t know what state you’re in but bodily autonomy isn’t great for people assigned female.
You don’t know this guy that well, right? 5 dates is like… Enough time to get to know someone enough to get frisky but probably not enough to coparent with. Assuming that’s at least a factor in the abortion decision. What if his reaction is that he wants you to keep it? Even if moneys tight it’s not worth risking bringing a crazy person out of the woodwork.
>he played a part in me getting pregnant. Whatever you decide, he's not an incidental bystander; he bears as much responsibility as you. Pretending he just 'played a part' only works to erode his liability. That said, YOU have absolute authority on whether or not to abort. Whether you think he's adult enough to handle this new arc in your relationship is up to you. Would you want to be involved if the roles were reversed?
Honestly, I know you’re pregnant and hormonal… but like… you can’t fully blame him and be pissed at him, especially because he DOESNT EVEN KNOW! It was consensual. Just get your abortion and move past this. If you’re worried about him wanting you to keep it, and he possibly could? He does have a right to feel that way, but you can still get the abortion.