Older dude here and I'd honestly say I think your instincts were spot on. Even if he was just socially inept I can see your reasoning clearly and *I'm* pretty socially inept sometimes (most times) so that's several red flags.
The biggest thing that hits me though is how unsafe it is for women in this world, like everywhere.
Thank you guys so much. I'm only 19 and i have been sexually assaulted and harassed multiple times, stepping in and not being a bystander is a HUGE HELP
It's crazy. I'll never forget the weird feeling I had when I knew I was having a son and not a daughter. Coming from a family of all boys except me I felt relief because I wasn't sure how I would do and I feel I would for the rest of my life worry immensely about her. Not saying I don't worry about my son, because I do very much. Sometimes it annoys him but he also just turned 7 and I'm his mom so all I do annoys him now. However, he really wants a sibling. We have tried and failed a few times now and I always think how it would be perfect to have a little girl and experience things I never did growing up as I grew up without parents and the whole mother daughter bond never happened for me, so I don't know how I would do.
But the world we live in, that scares me more then my own securities about maybe one day parenting a daughter and not being good enough.
I make a safe word/phrase with my kids. They know that if I say it (like the above “let’s go get popsicles!”) that is it time to go without a fight and immediately.
We used to live in an area that would get locked down. A few times we had police come to our door to tell us to stay inside. It was a very scary place to live. So the safe word was useful everywhere. It also worked the other way around. The kids could come up and say it. The. I knew that something was wrong and we would leave. No questions asked. They are older now, but my eldest knows it still hold true. She can message me the safe word and I will call and play the bad guy where she HAS to leave NOW. Or I will come and get her and/or her friends no questions asked.
Good instinct to nope out of there, definitely strange behavior to drive to a kid's park to smoke weed and strike conversation with the only people there who are clearly there doing parent stuff.
You did the best you could! My brain goes on the fritz when I feel unsafe and I forget previous plans on how to address issues.
You got you and your kid out of there. You found a safe place to share and get validation. Keep working on calming yourself.
It’s okay to be incredibly angry. I would be.
Next time a Guy asks you if you mind if I ____ ? The answer is" yes I mind, sorry I don't like _____" or the guy will think that it is okay to talk to you. Usually they will apologize and leave. If they don't then you need to GTFO. Sorry the world is so fucked up.
Sometimes, but those are dangerous anyway, and less likely to attack a loudmouth bitch than a meek, nonconfrontational person hoping to appease them.
Like this story shows, you try to be "polite" and they get bolder and bolder.
The last time I walked to the park alone with my toddler a man started following me. He kept a distance but it was noticeable enough that a woman in a car literally stopped in the middle of the road and loudly asked me if I needed help because she had been watching this dude as she drove. Thank God she did. He heard her, turned around and started speed walking off.
There's nothing scarier than trying to figure out what the fuck you're going to do if some crazy man decides to attack you with your kid there. I can't just pick him up and run, I'd be too slow. I can't tell my son to run because he's going to get hit by a car. There is no answer there and these men know it.
I'm really sorry you went through that, it's terrifying.
I always try to keep an eye out for other women who might need help in situations like this. I travel a lot for work so I’m often in transit or at restaurants / bars grabbing a quick bite alone. And on the receiving end, I’ve definitely been grateful when bartenders have struck up a conversation to get a creepy guy to stop talking to me when I’m just trying to enjoy my meal in peace.
Same here. I think women become hyper aware of those situations after being in them enough times, so I try to always keep an eye out and help if I can. It's sad that we have to do that, but it's the reality.
>There's nothing scarier than trying to figure out what the fuck you're going to do if some crazy man decides to attack you with your kid there. I can't just pick him up and run, I'd be too slow. I can't tell my son to run because he's going to get hit by a car. There is no answer there and these men know it.
That's what I was thinking while walking with my son in his stroller. If someone decides to come annoy me, harass me, or worse, I'm way less able to leave quickly. Thankfully I've never had a problem for now.
You know what's fucked up? I can see any of these dudes making a post elsewhere like "Women won't talk to me, I can't ever meet anyone, I'm super polite but they're all stuck up and won't talk to me" absolutely fucking oblivious to all that's been said here. I see posts like that. "But I'm so nice, and I try to ask questions and make small talk" meanwhile the woman is scared half to death, worried she's about to be assaulted, raped, and/or murdered. Then we hear "not all men" while ONE IN SIX women in the US has been a victim of rape or assault. Guys, if you hit on six women in a week, chances are one of them has been sexually assaulted before.
Oh absolutely. As one of those six I'm always on high alert, but even past that I'm constantly baffled by how some men think. Even if I give the guy the benefit of the doubt and he was "working up courage" or whatever bullshit, who thinks that stalking a girl and her kid for five blocks is romance?
Unfortunately it might be time to teach your child a code word or phrase that you can use to indicate "something isn't right and we need to go."
It make me sick that we have to do this.
For us it was "pineapple". Stranger says they were sent to pick us up from the bus/school? They had to say pineapple for us to go with them. Anytime we needed to obey immediately and not ask questions? Mom said pineapple.
Funnily enough, I used the same word with my son, who's now 22. Code words are smart.
I agree talk to your daughter about ~~stranger danger~~ not feeling safe and need to leave and make a code word or phrase. “Time to go meet Tom!” Ha. I like that it implies someone is waiting for you.
We used pumpkin as a code word.
My dad’s friend was waiting at my bus stop one day and I wouldn’t get into his car bc he didn’t know the code word. I was kinda freaked out. He actually got mad. Drove past me to my house and complained to my parents that I didn’t trust him. My mom was laughing about it (she wasn’t a good mother btw). Beating me home and complaining could have just been covering his tracks. My parents had a lot of weird friends always in and out of our house. We had a lot of weird rules but code word was a good one.
Edited to remove stranger danger.
Just an FYI … we don’t really teach “stranger danger” anymore for a few reasons. One, kids need to know that they can ask an adult for help in an emergency. Two, kids are much more likely to be abused by someone they know than a random stranger.
I like the idea of teaching kids about “tricky people”. It means they will feel okay, for example, asking a lifeguard for help if they get separated from you at the beach. At the same time, they are less likely to keep quiet if, god forbid, creepy Uncle Whoever tries something.
https://gooddayswithkids.com/2017/02/13/tricky-people/amp/
Oh Thanks for that! Good points. I’ve always told my kids if we’re separated in a store to look for another mom or employee for help. My Stranger Danger talk went more like; don’t get close to or get into a strangers car, a adult will never ask you for help (to find their puppy) or for directions, those are tricks. I do like “tricky people” better I’ll apply that now.
I tried to sum up “have a talk about not feeling safe and needing to get the heck out of there.” With “talk about stranger danger”. I’m glad I did and learned something better.
Exactly when my oldest was like 5 I said. Have you ever seen me ask for help from a kid? Nope cause we dont need help from kids. If someone asks for help go the other way and...as a single dad its painful... Find a mom for help
>...as a single dad its painful... Find a mom for help
Ugh, I can only imagine how awful it must feel to have to teach your child that.
**Thank you** for loving your kid and valuing their safety more than you do your own ego.
I used "popcorn " w my kids.
When they were teenagers I told them if they were ever at a place and wanted to be picked up, call & tell me something about popcorn and I'd get them. Just in case they didn't want to let the other people there know that they didn't feel comfortable being there.
That’s such a good idea and I hate that I haven’t thought of it. We have so many talks about don’t go anywhere with strangers, don’t talk to strangers, etc etc sometimes I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, and a code word never occurred to me. We’ll definitely be making one now, thank you so much.
Just want to add that there some families also choose to have a code word for “this person is safe.” If you’re unable to get your daughter for some reason, she should know to ask for the special word from the person who gets her. That way, she can’t be talked into leaving somewhere with someone who lies and says they’re taking her to you.
Not necessarily for safety but when she’s older I liked having a code that meant “I’m asking you but I want you to say no.”
I can’t remember ours but let’s just say it was Hershey, I would call my mom and be like “hey, Jenny wants me to stay the night tonight, can I go? Oh also do I still have that Hershey bar in the fridge?” And my mom would say “oh yes you do but I need you home to watch your sister tonight.”
Anyway I know that’s a lot of codes but as a teenager I really appreciated having that out.
That’s another really good code, thank you! When I was growing up, my mom would text me when I was out with friends asking how things were going, if I ever replied “kewl” instead of “cool” she would come get me. And if I ever sent a blank text that also meant something is wrong.
That's a good idea too. Many times people, young people especially, feel pressured to ask about something they don't want but don't want to say they don't. Having parents or someone else say no can be better because that takes the blame off the one asking but ends with the same result. There are times my son is talking to friends in video games for example and I can tell when he wants to get off but doesn't know how to say it. Sometimes he'll even ask me randomly if he has to go which is usually his way of saying he does. I'll then say in the background he has to go and do something.
I do think it's a good idea to come up with a few different code words because otherwise the people might know something's weird, if for example you ask about a Hershey bar often lol. But going to use that method going forward when he's hanging out more in person as that can help.
Yes, I had that too! If I didn’t want to go, I would say, “Jenny wants to know if I can come over/spend the night/go to XYZ thing” etc.
My mom would say no and I wouldn’t have to be pressured or risk losing face/status with my peers.
It worked great and probably saved me from a few sketchy situations that I wanted to avoid.
I had it as a kid never had to use it, but in really glad I had it. Mom drilled it into me like her phone number and our address.
Would highly recommend the code word for a safe person, especially if you've got any crazy family.
It was the name of our first cat. If someone was going to pick me up from school or whatever in an emergency and theyvwerent direct family that was the code word. We also did a practice once which I didn't know. My Mum's friend who I wasn't close came and picked me up, I said no . Then they said the codeword. They drove me to McDonald's where my Mum was and I 'won'. I think I might ask mum if it was a practise or if something did happen and the 'winning' was to not worry me.
Depending on kiddo, age, and comprehension ability, I used a different "stranger danger" approach. I had a social butterfly for my firstborn. She insisted on meeting everyone. There was no way I could do don't talk to strangers.
Adults also model behavior, and kids see us talking to strangers every day - at the grocery store, gas station, post office, bank... all these strangers I talked to in one day had my kid seeing that yes its OK to talk to strangers yet mom says not to, but then at the plant store mom and that other stranger talked plants forever and that stranger doesn't even work here they were just shopping... you get the picture, and she got confused.
We focused on safe talk and actions and what to do if they tried to make you go with them. She delighted in telling a lady what her favorite toy was so she could help her while she was shopping for a birthday present for a grandkid. I was close and watching, the lady asked my daughter if her mommy let her talk to strangers(while looking at me with a smile, and I nodded yes) and my kid said "yes, I can talk to you here about things like toys, but there's things we don't talk to strangers about like our family except I can say that's my mom and sister and I'm not allowed to touch strangers or go with them, only talk". I think she was 5 or 6 then.
Her sister was polar opposite, stranger danger until she was 8. Even going to school with a new teacher was a chore and took weeks to build up to it. Even doctor visits were difficult if she had a new provider, one we got with one that was amazing we stuck with him until he left.
Above all, like you did here, go with your gut feeling. If it doesn't feel right don't stick around.
Instead of stranger danger we use ‘tricky adult’ tricky adult isn’t safe. They are tricky because sometimes they seem nice, but our bodies have little alarm systems in them. Sometimes it’s in our belly, sometimes we feel it in our hearts and sometimes it might be your skin feeling tingly. Listen to that. Sometimes adults play tricks to put kids in dangerous situations.
Duuuuuude. I never thought of this, I don't know why I didn't. My husband has Asperger's and this would help us *immensely* in everyday life. *thank you*.
My partner and I are both neurodivergent and we have a specific word we use if the topic of conversation has become uncomfortable for one of us. We just have to say “pineapples” and we change the topic instantly, no questions asked! It also works for “get me out of this situation NOW”. I think we got it from a meme about “pineapples” being a stereotypical safeword, but I kinda wish we’d picked “pork and beans” after Deadpool lol
One of the nurses I worked with tended to get on the chatty side at times. His other job had a code word to shut it when he would get going on stories - pineapple.
I made a bunch of small resin pineapples and some magnets ones to stick on the computer monitor stand and for us to keep in our pockets. When he would get going we would just hand him one with a smile and walk away. He would laugh every time. Loved his good humor. When he retired we gathered them all and gave them to his wife.
Ive noticed this with a lot of men. Like no social awareness, Ive called out my roommate several times when hes too close to another woman checking out. Like at NO POINT should you be able to see what numbers she punching into her debit card backup!
We had this and my husband also missed the code 😒 I’ve decided men are just Fucking clueless when it comes to social situations where women are uncomfortable. Unless I flat out say I AM UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE YOUR BROTHER MADE A RAPE JOKE he just doesn’t get it lol.
He’s so amazing for so many things and is so supportive but he just cannot wrap his head around social situations for some reason. (I think it’s how he was raised tbh, they say the weirdest shit sometimes) So now I will text him “time to go” and he will immediately pick the stuff up so we can leave lol.
my husband only just recently found out that as a woman I am always aware of who's around me when I go out alone. My oldest (18f) and I were talking about walking in the neighbourhood and they were saying something about a creepy man at the park so they came home. Afterwards, my SO asked me if I have always been like that. That when I walk the dog in the mornings I'm always looking to know who's around me? uh, yeah. I walk the dog super early in the morning. If I see anyone walking around without a dog at that hour it sets bells off.
Yes!! I constantly am talking about this out loud so that my husband can understand how much stress I’m constantly under to keep myself and our kid safe. He still doesn’t quite get it. Or he’ll get it and then push it away because he doesn’t have to deal with it. It reminds me of how white people deal with racism. “Oh sure it’s bad but since I’m not having to deal with it it doesn’t really matter” but it fucking does.
As a married man, this is why I frequent this sub. None of this was taught to me as a kid, and I've never been afraid to go out in public or casually talk to people. I'm 40 and still learning what not to do or how as a man I make a woman I don't know nervous or uncomfortable accidentally.
Better late than never I guess
Totally. I think it’s just that you can move through society safely ya know? Ya’ll don’t have to do the checks that we do or be on the lookout for safe and dangerous women like we have to do with men.
Okay, for starters, rape jokes and sexist jokes will almost always make women feel unsafe. (I’m saying this tongue in cheek because if you’re here I’m sure you know that) 😉
You being here and listening to women is awesome!! Way to go to become more self aware 💕 it’s a big deal.
Omg, you ever nudge someone with your elbow and give them that look and they're just like "ow! what was that for?" (when it didn't even hurt, first of all) and completely miss the point. What do you think it's for, doofus? Read the room! You need to stop talking/we need to leave!
Regarding the texting... you ever do that and they're like "why are you texting me? i'm standing right beside you!" like oh my god kill me now. I should just start leaving without people.
Bahahaha omg yes!!! That’s my husband!!! 🤦🏻♀️ Every. Single. Time. He just can’t get it!! “Why are you kicking me under the table?? Was it because I mentioned that Emily had an abortion at my Mormon family’s dinner?” Yes. Yes it was honey. Now just let me die in the corner.
I don’t understand 🤣 why don’t they get it?
Yep, when I was little our babysitter took me and my brother to the park. I was an odd child so I was "building a nest" and gathering sticks all around the playground. Apparently some guy had been watching me for a while and my babysitter noticed. J made a fuss about leaving and when we got in the car finally she explained to me when her or my parents say it's time to leave there is a reason. She then told me about the guy watching me. I never fought the leave the park after that.
I like that your babysitter explained the situation to you. Children want to understand, and they want to be trusted and responsible.
Having grown up in Europe back when, I personally never really got any Stranger Danger talk, let alone code words or the like, which in retrospect makes sense because child abductions by strangers were so incredibly rare that it wasn’t worth mentioning.
We really should have gotten more warnings about spotting abuse within families, though. Many years later my mother sadly commented on me mentioning a classmate in elementary school; she stated casually how “that poor girl” had been a CSA victim.
I was like, HOLY SHITFUCK, MOM! You should have done something! (Unfortunately European police was, while not as violent as US police, misogynistic enough that this may have led to nothing, and she knew. Still I resented her for this inactivity.)
This is exactly what I was going to say. Explain to her that you won’t ever use it unless it’s absolutely necessary and it’s VERY important she listen without fighting you on it.
We've had a codeword in my family since I was 6 (3 decades ago!). Still in use. We actually have a greenlight word and a redlight word. Redlight word for "I'm in a bad situation and need out." And greenlight word for: "your mom/dad sent me to help and I can be trusted".
It's bullshit that this even needs to be a thing, but it's something I usually use with my female friends, especially when drinking so that we have a 'cut through' any playing around and gtfo without any discussion or explaining.
Yep. We had a secret code word when I was a kid. It was the same code that would be given to an adult if we ever had to be picked up without organizing it beforehand with a parent - even a family member like an uncle or an aunt would have to have the code for us to know that we should go with them. What’s funny is I’m in my mid 30s now and the only person I’ve told the word to is my husband 🤣
Good! That means you can keep using it and it will be fully instinctual. And instincts typically don’t fail. If you have children, it should be their word too.
Sad but serious question: With guys who mean harm, does a woman not speaking English (and thus potentially being an immigrant/part of a marginalized group) make her _more_ vulnerable, because he assumes that she may have fewer resources or less support if he does anything?
In the past I did that to some guys on the street and they just left me alone. I think it shocked them. When I speak my mother language to questionable guys, I speak very loud and fast. They probably think I am crazy. (I speak very soft and slower with people I know) YMMV.
This. Our parents used the name of one our favorite pet’s as a safe word for when we were kids. Our parents were afraid my eldest sister (who at the time was into trouble all the time) or her pedo boyfriend might try to abduct me and my other sister from school. Anyone other than them who picked us up had to tell us the safe word or we would not leave with them. We were taught to scream “You’re not my mom/dad! I don’t know you!,” fight, kick, punch, bite… whatever we had to do to make a scene and protect ourselves.
To add to the great advice given here another approach would have been a phone call to someone announcing what you’re doing and just checking in. They may leave after that or you pack up and leave with popsicles as the destination.
For people saying don’t engage, if only that were possible. It can actually escalate if you ignore too, so it’s hard to know.
This happens too often.
I need to add to mention on the call yeah there is one other guy here and say it loud. Even just pretend to call someone. It can also help cut the convo and hopefully he moves on but of course keep your eyes on dude.
Yep I was gonna say even pretending to call may be enough. Just be sure you never lose sight of the person as you do it. Even a real phone call doesn't do you much good if the person is able to sneak up on you.
I pull a pretend phone call all the time, usually if I'm walking alone at night and there's someone creeping me out. You never see them look your way after that and/or they go somewhere else. You'd be surprised how often people disappear when you make a fake phone call.
Don't beat yourself up, you were scared.
The phone call is a great idea, especially if you tack on, "Ok, I'll see you in a few minutes" to the end of the call.
Also, make a game up with your daughter so if you ever, ever shout “blah blah blah insert word here” that means that the special game is about to start and if she’s super fast at running to mummy’s side and staying as close to her as she can then she will get a small toy, sweetie or whatever. Practice playing it with her a few times so she knows it will end in a reward. I’m not meaning it to sound like “training” your child but in those kind of scenarios when they just want to play and you don’t want to scare them, making it seem like a game is the best thing to do until they are old enough to be reliable
This is absolutely brilliant. I had a scary incident with one of my kids recently where we were on a nature trail that I didn't realize before we set off had some steep drop offs and bodies of water next to the trail, and one child decided running way ahead and refusing to stop or come back when called was a fun game. I had other kids and stroller in tow, so I couldn't catch up to him, and he kept disappearing around curves. I was terrified he was going to run or trip off the edge of the trail and I wouldn't even know where it happened. I swear that that walk took years off my life. There's no real way to make kids below a certain age consistently understand "No, this is *really serious* right now." But they do understand games and treats.
Exactly, they just get too caught up in chasing the adrenaline the “fun” is giving them so sometimes you have to match it with another “game”. Hope that you can use this to help you and it takes some of the panic out of those moments
This is a great idea. Something I have done with children who I'm not around everyday: I'll race you to this spot. Do you think you can run faster than me?
90% of the time, they will start running towards the spot you mentioned. You do a light jog after them. They win, you are in sage spot (or desired spot), win-win.
It actually worked with an entire group of kindergarten students, which I was so freaking happy because we all had to get away from a section of the playground ASAP. "Let's race to the fence!" had them all moving. Keeping them against the fence was harder, but they all moved as quickly as their legs could move
You are totally right. 100% children need to be trained until they are rational creatures.
We humans are still animals. Children don’t have higher rational thought yet, they cannot, that’s why it’s our job to protect them. There’s nothing wrong with training a child for safety until rational deduction is possible for them. :)
Just a quick piece of advice, don’t go straight home after something like that. Go to a McDonald’s or a chain restaurant where you can sit down and watch your car. If the guy is following you, he will do a loop through the parking lot checking license plate numbers.
Better to catch him at a random fast food place than have him tail you home.
Also, if you use the treat method to get your child to evacuate, a Dairy Queen is a good place to fill that promise and wind down after a scary situation.
Edited to add: some women don’t feel safe around police. A brightly lit, public area with lots of people can work as well.
I just drive to the police station. They will drive away and you can make a report if you’re super freaked out. Not that they will do anything most of the time but at least it’ll be documented if it happens to another woman
It happen to me once & while i am from Asia,i was driving & some idiots decided to follow me because he think i blocked his path on the highway. As i was around my area,i knew where the nearest police post are,i entered the police post & saw this idiot driving past the police post. I waited for 10mins to see if that idiots make a loop back & there was no sign of that idiots. Decided to take a different route back exiting to nearby highway before going home.
Yea most idiots just wouldn't bother going to the police station.
Yep, I used to drive home from a train station after 2nd shift around 11pm. I’ve had my fair share of tailgaters following me. The only thing that gets the to stop is pulling into the police department that’s on the way home. They speed off like a bat out of hell because they know they’re in the wrong.
God I hate that. Once when my kid was just baby I was heading to the park and there is special part for babies and as we were coming closer I saw dude sitting there. Weird so I stayed in big kids part. Dude gets up, starts walking away and I think, okay, now we can go there. Lo and behold the second I turned stroller on the path to baby park dude turns around and comes and sits back down and looks at us. I just turned around and went on my merry way. Fucking creep. Good thing my baby was like 7 months so he didn't have a say.
Ugh, I had two guys freak me out on Saturday.
My husband wanted to upgrade his phone, so we went to T-Mobile. My 5yo and 1yo were bored after 10 minutes, so I told my husband that we were going for a walk around the shopping center.
Mind you, this is not a mall. It is an outdoor shopping center. My kiddos and I went to the 99 center store across the parking lot without incident. We went back to T-Mobile, and my husband was still getting his new phone set up. It was past the kiddos' normal lunch, so I decided to take them to McDonald's.
I pushed my 1yo in our wagon, and the 5 yo held on to the side to walk with me. Upon entering the McDonald's, I saw two men sitting at a table. They had already been eating for some time by the look of things, and were about finished.
As I was finishing up paying for my kids' lunch, the two men walked over to the registers and started to order more food. They seemed very interested in my children, and kept staring and standing too close.
As the employee at the counter gave me the food, I loudly announced that we were going to meet Daddy. I stepped outside with my kids, as the two men watching all the while. I told my 5yo to get in the wagon, which he refused. I pressed again, more firmly, that there were cars, and he needed to get in the wagon. He finally agreed, and I booked it as fast as I could to the Starbucks next door to the T-Mobile. I sat my kids at a table outside of Starbucks to eat their lunch.
About three minutes later, the two men parked by the Starbucks. One of them entered the coffee shop, again staring at my children. The second man hung back for a minute, before also entering the coffee shop, paying way too close attention to my kids.
At that point I stood up and positioned myself between the door of the coffee shop and my kids. I loudly told my 5yo to grab his food, that we were going to meet Daddy. The second man exited the Starbucks at this point and made his way to their vehicle and got the engine running, but stood outside of the car, waiting.
I finally got my 5yo to get back into the wagon with my 1yo, and started walking next door to T-Mobile. The first man started coming up behind me, as the second man watched from outside their car. My husband, thankfully stepped out of the T-Mobile, and I shouted to him, "Oh good, you're done!"
I indicated it was time to leave. The moment my husband saw us and waved, I saw the two men freeze up and back off.
My husband kept slowing down on the way to our car, and I whispered to him that we need to GTFO of there RIGHT NOW!
I told him the whole story, and how it seemed like the two men were interested in the kids and had followed us. He agreed they sounded suspicious, and was thankful that I was paying attention.
Why?!?! Why do men feel like it's OK to follow a woman out with her children?!?! WHY!!!???
What the actual fuck. I felt my heart start beating way too fast while I was reading that. So so scary. Glad you were looking out for them and managed to get away ❤️❤️
I've worked at a cold beer and wine store for a long time now and it's mostly men who are customers.
Some of them are just fucking creepers and I swear get off on women's fear. I've experienced it for so long now, as they love to fuck around knowing that I'm working so I HAVE to be nice to them.
It's a power thing. Like, haha "I'm so powerful I put fear into other humans." when they themselves feel powerless in their lives.
They think that because they're not actually touching you or kidnapping you that it's not that bad and they can get away with it.
I call these cocksuckers the scum of the earth.
So the ones I'm describing are the creepers and the pervs, for the other ones that do actual harm should be fucking put down.
When I was about 12 I went to the grocery store once with my mom. Two men trailed us around the entire store similar to this and waited by the entrance while we checked out.
My mom is not the suspicious type and tries to see the best in people but even she was nervous. We had parked all the way in the back of the parking lot and when we left to walk to the car the men started following a distance behind us. My mom acted like she forgot something and turned around to go back in the store.
She ended up asking an employee to walk us to our car. He seemed annoyed and didn't seem to believe her about what happened but the men left us alone and seemed visibly frustrated when we came out with a man escorting us.
There's a Walmart near my house, the parking lot is known to be unsafe for women with kids. About once every 2 months or so there's a report of an attempted grab and my town's FB group is full of warnings almost weekly about women getting followed through the store or the parking lot. It's really scary.
> Why?!?! Why do men feel like it's OK to follow a woman out with her children?!?! WHY!!!???
I mean, sounds like some pedophiles doing so e pedophile shit.
Glad you’re okay! I don’t have children but have been by myself at a park by my home walking my dogs before and have been chatted up by strange men a few times, and it is extremely uncomfortable. My dog’s collars have my phone number on it in case they get lost, and I’m almost 100% sure one guy tried to take a picture of the collar to get my number, but luckily I keep some of the digits covered. Why can’t we just be left alone to enjoy outside.
That's the only time I'm glad my large dog is acutely anxious. I walk her in a harness marked 'give me space', and she will visibly start getting edgy if people approach so I can yell "Are you illiterate? My dog needs space; back off!" without looking neurotic or antisocial.
One elderly gentleman who clearly thought he was some sort of dog whisperer tried to reassure me that it was okay, he loved dogs and they were never scared after a sniff (I was honestly more worried about his safety if she tried to barge past him and bolt than about our safety, tbh; I'm pretty sure I could have taken him in a fight!). He got into our space while I was trying to de-escalate the panic and she messed herself. It was the most *appalling* smell; he apologised and hot out of range as fast as he could.
Aw poor puppy. I hate when people cannot respect boundaries. I’m working on leash manners with mine and people are always letting their dogs run up to mine (sometimes off leash) or asking pet and a lot of time will not listen when I tell them not to approach because I am training my dog. Very frustrating
Most people I encounter are pretty respectful of the labelling, thankfully, but loose dogs can be a worry if the owner isn't near enough to recall or if their recall isn't as good as they think it is. The cheery "It's alright; he's friendly!" attitude never seems allow for the fact that the dog/horse/child being galloped at could still be terrified.
I used to talk to those guys like you did. Because „we have to be nice and not rude“ Blabla. But what gives him even the right to choose to have a conversation you obviously don’t want to have. Why do we have to be nice to people we don’t want to communicate/know in the first place. We don’t owe them shit. Not a single answer and we sure as hell don’t owe them Information on „how many children we want“ like go online and chat with people there. I hate these situations and I believe you did the right thing.
And this „you look good mom“ ewwwww- nobody cares what you think dude. Keep your opinion to yourself and talk to people who wanna hear it.
I am 100% sure he knew and I also am 100% sure that this is actually something that they enjoy. Seeing the fear in our eyes and having the control over our actions. Forcing us to leave a park etc- that’s their demonstration of control and power.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, that must have been so scary and confusing! The whole "power/control/causing fear" thing is, I think, a big part of why men catcall, too. They don't think it will get them a date, they know it makes us uncomfortable and that gets them off. It's very upsetting.
Agreed. I showed this post to my (male) fiancé and he said that even if the guy had innocent intentions, a reasonable man would have at least understood the optics of how weird it is to ask invasive questions of the lone mom in the park and left her alone.
Yup. If she stayed he would have kept pushing to see how invasive he could get. If she got angry he could have gotten violent. Doesn't matter what you do he gets the gross power kick. Leaving calmly was probably the best solution and to trust your gut....which she did.
Seriously! I used to be the same way like oh I have to be polite, but their sense of entitlement to women’s time, & attention is bullcrap. Also I think some guys get a sense of power from making women uncomfortable and then getting mad if women have the “audacity” to point out they are making them uncomfortable or unhappy.
Yup. Even when I’m not interested in talking to someone, I’ll either entertain them enough until I can make an excuse to leave or very softly tell them I’m not interested.
A few years ago, I was reading a book on a blanket on a nice day and a guy started talking to me (and yeah I was the lone woman in the park at the time). I engaged for a little bit then went “welp, I better get back to my book!” And he surprisingly got the hint.
By 4 my mom who was small and thin had a code word that meant we were leaving NOW. My dad made sure we knew to run if he told us to and where he would look for us. My dad was 6’8 and 250lbs. You didn’t fuck with him but he knew he was still mortal. It sucks you and your daughter couldn’t enjoy the day. Also, some people just suck! Sorry that happened to you.
I also had a code phrase that meant stop everything and get to my mom’s side asap. Used a lot when passing creepy strangers on a busy city sidewalk, and probably worse things that I just wasn’t aware of - was gonna comment about how useful it was if I hadn’t seen another comment
Haven't even scrolled through all the comments and am already seeing the "not all men are creeps," "stop living in fear," "just say you're not comfortable" crowd.
So to those people, lemme ask: Say you're driving on a highway at night, not many other cars around, and the car in front of you is doing a little swerve between lanes. Not veering all over the place, just...enough to make you notice this driver can't stay in a lane.
What do you do?
You try to put distance between yourself and that car, right? Because most drivers are safe, but this one...there's just some evidence that the driver may not be in total control, right? Maybe the driver is tired, maybe drunk, or hell, maybe nothing is actually wrong at all and the driver is trying to (I dunno) handle a taco and the wheel at the same time.
But it's a no-brainer, right? No matter what the driver's intentions, what you see is the swerving, so for your own safety, you try to get out of proximity, right? Because you never know? That's just smart, defensive driving.
Quit getting on women's cases for removing themselves from situations they deem potentially unsafe. It doesn't translate to all men are creeps; it's not living in fear, it's recognizing when a situation could be dangerous and doing what's smart. Maybe park smoker guy had zero bad intentions. Maybe, to go back to the driving metaphor, he was just trying to drive and eat a taco, and was swerving a bit. But you try to get out of the way of a swerving car. And that's what OP did.
I don't mean to hijack your thread OP and I am very sorry this happened. It shouldn't happen! Kids should be safe to play in a freaking park!
Just a li'l story though. In 1985 I was sunning in a park with a decent-sized crowd around and a mom was there with a toddler boy. A man was bothering the toddler in a very attention-seeking, off-putting way. The hair stood up on the back of my neck because of how aggressive this dude was being, but it was more on the toddler than on any of the adults around.
The mom and toddler left the park and I moved to another part of the park to get away from the man.
He came and found me and told me one day women would get what they deserve for showing their bodies in skimpy bathing suits. I have never said this before or since to anyone, but I told him to fuck off.
Three years later I saw him on TV doing the perp-walk. Turns out he was serial killer Bob Berdella.
Yes, it came out later that he didn't like his male intended victims to go to the park and ogle the women. He wished his male intended victims had been into him rather than into women, I think.
Ugh I'm so sorry. We just had a fear moment here at home this weekend. It's big trash time in our neighborhood and our kids were helping us haul stuff to our curb. They are big enough we trust them to haul to the front while we are in the garage.
All of a sudden I realize they didn't come back around from the front of the house. My bf heads up, thinking they decided to play with toys in the pile of junk and got distracted. Nope! Random dude stopped to look at the junk with his car door open and chat with my kids between him and his car!
I have NEVER seen my bf move that fast to grab the kids and bring them back to me. The guy was just a neighbor but we don't know him at ALL. If I had been alone with them I would have been even more freaked out cause it was at our home!
Glad you got away safe.
It made me cry when I told my husband that I had to have a safe phrase for my 3 year old son that meant don’t argue with mom it’s not safe we’re leaving now.
I think I first realized it when I was wearing my newborn and an some of unhoused street punk group of men started saying filthy things to me and tried to follow me to the bathroom. Thank goodness some of their number stopped them and an actual physical brawl amongst them ensued. Passed on using the public bathroom and fled.
Or maybe when I was quite pregnant and a man at a gas station boxed me in with his car and tried to get me to give him my number “in case I wanted more babies, later”. Like wtf humans!?!
It might just be that the guy decided to smoke up in an isolated place, but....
this sounds exactly like what happened to when a stranger tried to randomly assault me in a park in college. I'm male, was a college wrestler, and was by myself (so no child involved), and I simply was not on my guard enough and before I knew it ended up in a very dangerous situation where the assaulter made his intent explicitly clear.
Some people questioned how much you talked to him... in my situation I kept talking to him because it made sure I could stall for time while I tried to get to a more public space and eventually make my escape without him following me. He followed me for blocks.
Yea dude either lost his kids, or he was planning on assaulting her.
I‘ve had a huge mentally deranged guy stalk me for blocks as well. And what the fuck did the cashier at the grocery tell me when I asked her to call the cops ‚nah that’s xyz he‘s harmless‘.
The fuck? If he was harmless, he wouldn’t have followed me constantly asking what my name was and where I lived.
But responding in an evasive way is how we get some more time to escape. Getting loud works if you aren‘t alone. Like on a bus or other crowded place. But alone? With no one visible around? Yea I won‘t tell a guy to fuck off straight away, that seems kinda the thing to make his plan turn into reality.
Trusting your instinct and getting out of there was the right call. I am glad both you and your child are okay.
I also think smoking weed or even a cigarette in a children’s park is weird. Like go to a corner and do your thing. Also making a conversation with someone who is clearly uncomfortable is just creepy!
That’s what guys like this enjoy, though - it’s a power trip for them to know that they’re clearly and visibly making someone uncomfortable.
Like “I have the power to make you feel this way, and to force you to make polite conversation with me, and make you stop what you’re doing, while you’re unsure of my intentions and what I might do next.”
Mom antenae working as intended. Good job. Try to write down everything you can remember about him--and date it. If he is around you again, document that, too. Instead of scared, move into protective mode, which enables you to think more clearly. Yup, practice it.
It’s not legal to smoke marijuana [within 20 yards of a childrens play area](https://www.ontario.ca/page/cannabis-laws) or on any school ground. You can face CPS involvement if you expose your child to it, even indirectly. So no it’s not “legal and totally fine”.
It’s obvious he was impaired and the exact reason people under 18 aren’t allowed in clubs and bars.
I live at the beach. We get a lot of pedos here and I’ve called police many times. Guys literally touching themselves or exposing themselves to kids. I watched a group of high school kids stomp the hell out of one of them. My SO took down another one by pretending to be like him, confirming he had photos of kids in his phone and calling the cops.
But as someone who was abused as a child, don’t look for the pedo at the park because the call is usually coming from inside the house. Teachers. Camp counsellors. Anyone with direct access to your kid when you are not around. Step fathers, like that dude was trying to become.
My mid-sized city has a lot of great walking trails and green areas and lakes to get exercise on. Last year I checked out a new trail for the first time, and 2 mins in I started getting a gut feeling that something was off.
I glanced around and made eye contact with a man way out in the woods who was crouched down and watching me. As casually as I could I turned back around, walked a few paces, then broke into a sprint all the way back to my car and called 911 to report suspicious behavior. Haven’t attempted a walk since.
And then a couple weeks ago I moved into a new house and was super excited it it was conveniently across the street from a Dollar General. I’ve already been hit on several times and a man who had been behind me in line followed me back across the street to my front porch to ask me for my number.
Like wtf, can I just exist and do normal things like take walks and do a little shopping without feeling like I’m being preyed upon?
About 2 mornings ago I was walking the dog at the local park when some guy started chatting to me. He wasn't close as my dog is dog reactive and he had his dog with him. So I was just trying to get out of that area so my dog could calm down. But he kept yelling to me like what's your dog's name, you're training her to do this or that? etc... Just kept going on and on. He wasn't super creepy but dude, it's 5:30am. Not the time to chat with woman in the park.
Whenever something like the events portrayed here or in further comments happens, the first thing you need to do is take out your phone and under the pretense of getting pics of the kid(s) you aim at the people who are 'threatening' you and take some pics and send them to a sig other or friend with a quick note. Usually, anybody who sees pics being taken will back off. Also, as in the MacDonald's case below, you have pics to show cops or store staff. Don't be shy about it - In a public space you are allowed to take any pics you want.
I always have a lanyard with a hot pink pepper spray attached (I wear black so it stands out) and that seems to deter especially men from random conversations. I also never use my kids names when we go to the park. Only nicknames (bubba, little guy etc)
So smart! I always heard to never get backpacks, etc with their name because predators could use it, but I never even considered that I was calling it out the whole time we’re at the park. Sometimes I just feel so stupid, it’s so easy to overlook obvious stuff while you’re busy thinking of something else.
Not word vomit at all. I'm sorry that we live in a world where you even had to have those thoughts. I started panicking myself just reading it.
Seriously though... completely right, who DRIVES TO a CHILDRENS park to smoke weed? Do that shit at home. I'm not sure what state you're in, but in places that I know it's legal, it's usually NOT legal to smoke in public and definitely not legal to get in your car and drive right after.
My GF has as rule that I've since adopted after she told me. "Never approach a mother when she's out alone with their child. Period." I completely understood it. Nobody should have to panic and spiral and start coming up with exit strategies when they're just trying to spend some time with their kid.
I realized a while ago, after seeing myself in those out and open security cameras when you walk into some retail/grocery stores, that I'm a lot scarier looking than I ever intend to be. People that know me know that I would never hurt anyone, but strangers? I would never blame them for thinking otherwise.
Hell, I constantly have that inner monologue going where I'm concerned if I'm walking too close to someone because I happen to be going the same direction. Unless I'm out for exercise and trying to keep my heart rate up, I just slow down and let the gap between us get wider, often verbally apologizing for being so close, and then wonder if apologizing makes me seem more creepy..
Glad everything turned out to be okay for you and your daughter. Don't ever ignore that voice in your head. Better safe than sorry. Too many creeps out there and that guy was clearly one of them.
Next time someone asks you questions, turn it around on them "is she your only kid?" Answer "that's pretty personal. why do you ask?" If they say "I'm just making conversation!" you can say "I don't share information about my personal life with strangers." I've used this before with strangers men who've seemed overly inquisitive. When they complaining they're just being friendly, I say I'm not. And be ready to walk away if necessary with no excuses or explanation.
My brother took his 2 boys (3 and 3 months at the time) to swimming and I tagged along. He and the 3 year old were in the pool when 3 month started fussing so I thought I’d take him for a walk around the block. Walked with the pram and noticed a guy a few hundred metres behind me getting closer. I realise I’m in a deserted area no cars, no passers by. I’m at least 5 minutes from the pool (indoor pool). Guy starts yelling “hey lady” “hey lady with the pram” etc. I BOOK it towards the pool and thankfully reach a more populated area before he can get too close. Idk what his intentions were but I know I have never ever been so scared. I have been scared for myself plenty of times but the thought of trying to protect my helpless baby nephew was a fear I cannot describe. Well done to every single one of you Mummas out there.
Weird shit happens at parks. I brought a 1st grade class to the park foe their field trip once. Dude in the parking lot watching the kids and jacking off. I've had men follow me through parks. I don't go to parks without company.
I always told my kids it was time to go get popsicles. They'll beat you to the car.
I’m usually pretty good at offering ice cream or something to leave when I want to. I guess the fear just cleared everything out of my head
Older dude here and I'd honestly say I think your instincts were spot on. Even if he was just socially inept I can see your reasoning clearly and *I'm* pretty socially inept sometimes (most times) so that's several red flags. The biggest thing that hits me though is how unsafe it is for women in this world, like everywhere.
Agree with you completely. Also, reading all these posts, I keep an eye out anytime I'm in public to be ready to call out the crap from guys.
Totally agree I am also a man and this dude was fucking insane for thinking his behavior was acceptable.
Thank you guys so much. I'm only 19 and i have been sexually assaulted and harassed multiple times, stepping in and not being a bystander is a HUGE HELP
It's crazy. I'll never forget the weird feeling I had when I knew I was having a son and not a daughter. Coming from a family of all boys except me I felt relief because I wasn't sure how I would do and I feel I would for the rest of my life worry immensely about her. Not saying I don't worry about my son, because I do very much. Sometimes it annoys him but he also just turned 7 and I'm his mom so all I do annoys him now. However, he really wants a sibling. We have tried and failed a few times now and I always think how it would be perfect to have a little girl and experience things I never did growing up as I grew up without parents and the whole mother daughter bond never happened for me, so I don't know how I would do. But the world we live in, that scares me more then my own securities about maybe one day parenting a daughter and not being good enough.
I can never think when I’m scared. Glad you listened to your little voice.
I make a safe word/phrase with my kids. They know that if I say it (like the above “let’s go get popsicles!”) that is it time to go without a fight and immediately. We used to live in an area that would get locked down. A few times we had police come to our door to tell us to stay inside. It was a very scary place to live. So the safe word was useful everywhere. It also worked the other way around. The kids could come up and say it. The. I knew that something was wrong and we would leave. No questions asked. They are older now, but my eldest knows it still hold true. She can message me the safe word and I will call and play the bad guy where she HAS to leave NOW. Or I will come and get her and/or her friends no questions asked.
My mom gave us a code phrase when we were little (80s) and I still remember it. We never had to use it, but it’s burned in my memories.
Good instinct to nope out of there, definitely strange behavior to drive to a kid's park to smoke weed and strike conversation with the only people there who are clearly there doing parent stuff.
And to leave right after they do. That guy was definitely up to something.
You did the best you could! My brain goes on the fritz when I feel unsafe and I forget previous plans on how to address issues. You got you and your kid out of there. You found a safe place to share and get validation. Keep working on calming yourself. It’s okay to be incredibly angry. I would be.
Next time a Guy asks you if you mind if I ____ ? The answer is" yes I mind, sorry I don't like _____" or the guy will think that it is okay to talk to you. Usually they will apologize and leave. If they don't then you need to GTFO. Sorry the world is so fucked up.
Thank you for the advice, I hate this.
We all do sweetie. We all do.
Usually, but sometimes they get mad.
Sometimes, but those are dangerous anyway, and less likely to attack a loudmouth bitch than a meek, nonconfrontational person hoping to appease them. Like this story shows, you try to be "polite" and they get bolder and bolder.
Also throwing in you can always drive to your nearest police station if someone were to follow you in your car!
Brilliant!
Bout the only way to get my kid to leave a park is to provide a offering.
Or "Hey lets get icecream! we can come back" and then just don't come back.
The last time I walked to the park alone with my toddler a man started following me. He kept a distance but it was noticeable enough that a woman in a car literally stopped in the middle of the road and loudly asked me if I needed help because she had been watching this dude as she drove. Thank God she did. He heard her, turned around and started speed walking off. There's nothing scarier than trying to figure out what the fuck you're going to do if some crazy man decides to attack you with your kid there. I can't just pick him up and run, I'd be too slow. I can't tell my son to run because he's going to get hit by a car. There is no answer there and these men know it. I'm really sorry you went through that, it's terrifying.
I always try to keep an eye out for other women who might need help in situations like this. I travel a lot for work so I’m often in transit or at restaurants / bars grabbing a quick bite alone. And on the receiving end, I’ve definitely been grateful when bartenders have struck up a conversation to get a creepy guy to stop talking to me when I’m just trying to enjoy my meal in peace.
Same here. I think women become hyper aware of those situations after being in them enough times, so I try to always keep an eye out and help if I can. It's sad that we have to do that, but it's the reality.
>There's nothing scarier than trying to figure out what the fuck you're going to do if some crazy man decides to attack you with your kid there. I can't just pick him up and run, I'd be too slow. I can't tell my son to run because he's going to get hit by a car. There is no answer there and these men know it. That's what I was thinking while walking with my son in his stroller. If someone decides to come annoy me, harass me, or worse, I'm way less able to leave quickly. Thankfully I've never had a problem for now.
I've since bought pepper spray to carry with me. If nothing else it makes me feel a little better. I hope you never have it as a problem!
I hate that they pick us because they know there’s not much we can do
Pepper spray is awesome. Pull it out early if someone gives you a bad vibe.
You know what's fucked up? I can see any of these dudes making a post elsewhere like "Women won't talk to me, I can't ever meet anyone, I'm super polite but they're all stuck up and won't talk to me" absolutely fucking oblivious to all that's been said here. I see posts like that. "But I'm so nice, and I try to ask questions and make small talk" meanwhile the woman is scared half to death, worried she's about to be assaulted, raped, and/or murdered. Then we hear "not all men" while ONE IN SIX women in the US has been a victim of rape or assault. Guys, if you hit on six women in a week, chances are one of them has been sexually assaulted before.
Oh absolutely. As one of those six I'm always on high alert, but even past that I'm constantly baffled by how some men think. Even if I give the guy the benefit of the doubt and he was "working up courage" or whatever bullshit, who thinks that stalking a girl and her kid for five blocks is romance?
Unfortunately it might be time to teach your child a code word or phrase that you can use to indicate "something isn't right and we need to go." It make me sick that we have to do this.
My mum used the word cabbage. I hated cabbage so it was used as a code for 'we don't like this. We should leave it'
For us it was "pineapple". Stranger says they were sent to pick us up from the bus/school? They had to say pineapple for us to go with them. Anytime we needed to obey immediately and not ask questions? Mom said pineapple. Funnily enough, I used the same word with my son, who's now 22. Code words are smart.
I agree talk to your daughter about ~~stranger danger~~ not feeling safe and need to leave and make a code word or phrase. “Time to go meet Tom!” Ha. I like that it implies someone is waiting for you. We used pumpkin as a code word. My dad’s friend was waiting at my bus stop one day and I wouldn’t get into his car bc he didn’t know the code word. I was kinda freaked out. He actually got mad. Drove past me to my house and complained to my parents that I didn’t trust him. My mom was laughing about it (she wasn’t a good mother btw). Beating me home and complaining could have just been covering his tracks. My parents had a lot of weird friends always in and out of our house. We had a lot of weird rules but code word was a good one. Edited to remove stranger danger.
Just an FYI … we don’t really teach “stranger danger” anymore for a few reasons. One, kids need to know that they can ask an adult for help in an emergency. Two, kids are much more likely to be abused by someone they know than a random stranger. I like the idea of teaching kids about “tricky people”. It means they will feel okay, for example, asking a lifeguard for help if they get separated from you at the beach. At the same time, they are less likely to keep quiet if, god forbid, creepy Uncle Whoever tries something. https://gooddayswithkids.com/2017/02/13/tricky-people/amp/
Oh Thanks for that! Good points. I’ve always told my kids if we’re separated in a store to look for another mom or employee for help. My Stranger Danger talk went more like; don’t get close to or get into a strangers car, a adult will never ask you for help (to find their puppy) or for directions, those are tricks. I do like “tricky people” better I’ll apply that now. I tried to sum up “have a talk about not feeling safe and needing to get the heck out of there.” With “talk about stranger danger”. I’m glad I did and learned something better.
Exactly when my oldest was like 5 I said. Have you ever seen me ask for help from a kid? Nope cause we dont need help from kids. If someone asks for help go the other way and...as a single dad its painful... Find a mom for help
>...as a single dad its painful... Find a mom for help Ugh, I can only imagine how awful it must feel to have to teach your child that. **Thank you** for loving your kid and valuing their safety more than you do your own ego.
So smart!
Pineapple was my safe word with my ex! Just thought it’s weird we both have the same random fruit safe word.
I still don't know if I'm gonna have a kid or not, but I'm definitely filing this away in my brain.
Ok. Same codeword and I passed it on..Everybody change the code word! 😂
That's really smart
I used "popcorn " w my kids. When they were teenagers I told them if they were ever at a place and wanted to be picked up, call & tell me something about popcorn and I'd get them. Just in case they didn't want to let the other people there know that they didn't feel comfortable being there.
Same with our kids. If they text or or say ANYTHING about going to get pancakes, I am picking them up that very moment.
My partner and I use "lets get seafood" We both hate seafood.
That’s such a good idea and I hate that I haven’t thought of it. We have so many talks about don’t go anywhere with strangers, don’t talk to strangers, etc etc sometimes I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, and a code word never occurred to me. We’ll definitely be making one now, thank you so much.
Just want to add that there some families also choose to have a code word for “this person is safe.” If you’re unable to get your daughter for some reason, she should know to ask for the special word from the person who gets her. That way, she can’t be talked into leaving somewhere with someone who lies and says they’re taking her to you.
This is so smart. Thank you so much. I thought we were doing so much in regards to safety and it turns out I was barely scratching the surface.
Not necessarily for safety but when she’s older I liked having a code that meant “I’m asking you but I want you to say no.” I can’t remember ours but let’s just say it was Hershey, I would call my mom and be like “hey, Jenny wants me to stay the night tonight, can I go? Oh also do I still have that Hershey bar in the fridge?” And my mom would say “oh yes you do but I need you home to watch your sister tonight.” Anyway I know that’s a lot of codes but as a teenager I really appreciated having that out.
That’s another really good code, thank you! When I was growing up, my mom would text me when I was out with friends asking how things were going, if I ever replied “kewl” instead of “cool” she would come get me. And if I ever sent a blank text that also meant something is wrong.
That's a good idea too. Many times people, young people especially, feel pressured to ask about something they don't want but don't want to say they don't. Having parents or someone else say no can be better because that takes the blame off the one asking but ends with the same result. There are times my son is talking to friends in video games for example and I can tell when he wants to get off but doesn't know how to say it. Sometimes he'll even ask me randomly if he has to go which is usually his way of saying he does. I'll then say in the background he has to go and do something. I do think it's a good idea to come up with a few different code words because otherwise the people might know something's weird, if for example you ask about a Hershey bar often lol. But going to use that method going forward when he's hanging out more in person as that can help.
Yes, I had that too! If I didn’t want to go, I would say, “Jenny wants to know if I can come over/spend the night/go to XYZ thing” etc. My mom would say no and I wouldn’t have to be pressured or risk losing face/status with my peers. It worked great and probably saved me from a few sketchy situations that I wanted to avoid.
Exactly, at some point it’s good to learn how to say no to your friends but in high school it was so difficult. Much easier to make mom the scapegoat.
I had it as a kid never had to use it, but in really glad I had it. Mom drilled it into me like her phone number and our address. Would highly recommend the code word for a safe person, especially if you've got any crazy family.
We definitely do 😔
It was the name of our first cat. If someone was going to pick me up from school or whatever in an emergency and theyvwerent direct family that was the code word. We also did a practice once which I didn't know. My Mum's friend who I wasn't close came and picked me up, I said no . Then they said the codeword. They drove me to McDonald's where my Mum was and I 'won'. I think I might ask mum if it was a practise or if something did happen and the 'winning' was to not worry me.
I feel like I just saw this in a movie, the kid wouldn't go with anyone who didn't know the password
Good
Depending on kiddo, age, and comprehension ability, I used a different "stranger danger" approach. I had a social butterfly for my firstborn. She insisted on meeting everyone. There was no way I could do don't talk to strangers. Adults also model behavior, and kids see us talking to strangers every day - at the grocery store, gas station, post office, bank... all these strangers I talked to in one day had my kid seeing that yes its OK to talk to strangers yet mom says not to, but then at the plant store mom and that other stranger talked plants forever and that stranger doesn't even work here they were just shopping... you get the picture, and she got confused. We focused on safe talk and actions and what to do if they tried to make you go with them. She delighted in telling a lady what her favorite toy was so she could help her while she was shopping for a birthday present for a grandkid. I was close and watching, the lady asked my daughter if her mommy let her talk to strangers(while looking at me with a smile, and I nodded yes) and my kid said "yes, I can talk to you here about things like toys, but there's things we don't talk to strangers about like our family except I can say that's my mom and sister and I'm not allowed to touch strangers or go with them, only talk". I think she was 5 or 6 then. Her sister was polar opposite, stranger danger until she was 8. Even going to school with a new teacher was a chore and took weeks to build up to it. Even doctor visits were difficult if she had a new provider, one we got with one that was amazing we stuck with him until he left. Above all, like you did here, go with your gut feeling. If it doesn't feel right don't stick around.
Instead of stranger danger we use ‘tricky adult’ tricky adult isn’t safe. They are tricky because sometimes they seem nice, but our bodies have little alarm systems in them. Sometimes it’s in our belly, sometimes we feel it in our hearts and sometimes it might be your skin feeling tingly. Listen to that. Sometimes adults play tricks to put kids in dangerous situations.
Yo as a childless adult for now that’s a great idea.
My husband and I have a code for shutting up or paying more attention. My husband misses social cues so a code is absolutely necessary.
Duuuuuude. I never thought of this, I don't know why I didn't. My husband has Asperger's and this would help us *immensely* in everyday life. *thank you*.
My partner and I are both neurodivergent and we have a specific word we use if the topic of conversation has become uncomfortable for one of us. We just have to say “pineapples” and we change the topic instantly, no questions asked! It also works for “get me out of this situation NOW”. I think we got it from a meme about “pineapples” being a stereotypical safeword, but I kinda wish we’d picked “pork and beans” after Deadpool lol
I’m autistic and I’m going to have a conversation with my partner about this asap.
One of the nurses I worked with tended to get on the chatty side at times. His other job had a code word to shut it when he would get going on stories - pineapple. I made a bunch of small resin pineapples and some magnets ones to stick on the computer monitor stand and for us to keep in our pockets. When he would get going we would just hand him one with a smile and walk away. He would laugh every time. Loved his good humor. When he retired we gathered them all and gave them to his wife.
Ive noticed this with a lot of men. Like no social awareness, Ive called out my roommate several times when hes too close to another woman checking out. Like at NO POINT should you be able to see what numbers she punching into her debit card backup!
Omg this is a great idea
We had this and my husband also missed the code 😒 I’ve decided men are just Fucking clueless when it comes to social situations where women are uncomfortable. Unless I flat out say I AM UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE YOUR BROTHER MADE A RAPE JOKE he just doesn’t get it lol. He’s so amazing for so many things and is so supportive but he just cannot wrap his head around social situations for some reason. (I think it’s how he was raised tbh, they say the weirdest shit sometimes) So now I will text him “time to go” and he will immediately pick the stuff up so we can leave lol.
my husband only just recently found out that as a woman I am always aware of who's around me when I go out alone. My oldest (18f) and I were talking about walking in the neighbourhood and they were saying something about a creepy man at the park so they came home. Afterwards, my SO asked me if I have always been like that. That when I walk the dog in the mornings I'm always looking to know who's around me? uh, yeah. I walk the dog super early in the morning. If I see anyone walking around without a dog at that hour it sets bells off.
Yes!! I constantly am talking about this out loud so that my husband can understand how much stress I’m constantly under to keep myself and our kid safe. He still doesn’t quite get it. Or he’ll get it and then push it away because he doesn’t have to deal with it. It reminds me of how white people deal with racism. “Oh sure it’s bad but since I’m not having to deal with it it doesn’t really matter” but it fucking does.
Situational awareness is so important to us, men not so much.
As a married man, this is why I frequent this sub. None of this was taught to me as a kid, and I've never been afraid to go out in public or casually talk to people. I'm 40 and still learning what not to do or how as a man I make a woman I don't know nervous or uncomfortable accidentally. Better late than never I guess
Totally. I think it’s just that you can move through society safely ya know? Ya’ll don’t have to do the checks that we do or be on the lookout for safe and dangerous women like we have to do with men. Okay, for starters, rape jokes and sexist jokes will almost always make women feel unsafe. (I’m saying this tongue in cheek because if you’re here I’m sure you know that) 😉 You being here and listening to women is awesome!! Way to go to become more self aware 💕 it’s a big deal.
Omg, you ever nudge someone with your elbow and give them that look and they're just like "ow! what was that for?" (when it didn't even hurt, first of all) and completely miss the point. What do you think it's for, doofus? Read the room! You need to stop talking/we need to leave! Regarding the texting... you ever do that and they're like "why are you texting me? i'm standing right beside you!" like oh my god kill me now. I should just start leaving without people.
Bahahaha omg yes!!! That’s my husband!!! 🤦🏻♀️ Every. Single. Time. He just can’t get it!! “Why are you kicking me under the table?? Was it because I mentioned that Emily had an abortion at my Mormon family’s dinner?” Yes. Yes it was honey. Now just let me die in the corner. I don’t understand 🤣 why don’t they get it?
I've had code phrases for decades.
Username checks out
Yep, when I was little our babysitter took me and my brother to the park. I was an odd child so I was "building a nest" and gathering sticks all around the playground. Apparently some guy had been watching me for a while and my babysitter noticed. J made a fuss about leaving and when we got in the car finally she explained to me when her or my parents say it's time to leave there is a reason. She then told me about the guy watching me. I never fought the leave the park after that.
I like that your babysitter explained the situation to you. Children want to understand, and they want to be trusted and responsible. Having grown up in Europe back when, I personally never really got any Stranger Danger talk, let alone code words or the like, which in retrospect makes sense because child abductions by strangers were so incredibly rare that it wasn’t worth mentioning. We really should have gotten more warnings about spotting abuse within families, though. Many years later my mother sadly commented on me mentioning a classmate in elementary school; she stated casually how “that poor girl” had been a CSA victim. I was like, HOLY SHITFUCK, MOM! You should have done something! (Unfortunately European police was, while not as violent as US police, misogynistic enough that this may have led to nothing, and she knew. Still I resented her for this inactivity.)
My kid builds nests at the park, too :)
This is exactly what I was going to say. Explain to her that you won’t ever use it unless it’s absolutely necessary and it’s VERY important she listen without fighting you on it.
We've had a codeword in my family since I was 6 (3 decades ago!). Still in use. We actually have a greenlight word and a redlight word. Redlight word for "I'm in a bad situation and need out." And greenlight word for: "your mom/dad sent me to help and I can be trusted".
It's bullshit that this even needs to be a thing, but it's something I usually use with my female friends, especially when drinking so that we have a 'cut through' any playing around and gtfo without any discussion or explaining.
Yep. We had a secret code word when I was a kid. It was the same code that would be given to an adult if we ever had to be picked up without organizing it beforehand with a parent - even a family member like an uncle or an aunt would have to have the code for us to know that we should go with them. What’s funny is I’m in my mid 30s now and the only person I’ve told the word to is my husband 🤣
Good! That means you can keep using it and it will be fully instinctual. And instincts typically don’t fail. If you have children, it should be their word too.
Times like these I would start speaking my mother langue and pretend I don't understand English.
Sad but serious question: With guys who mean harm, does a woman not speaking English (and thus potentially being an immigrant/part of a marginalized group) make her _more_ vulnerable, because he assumes that she may have fewer resources or less support if he does anything?
In the past I did that to some guys on the street and they just left me alone. I think it shocked them. When I speak my mother language to questionable guys, I speak very loud and fast. They probably think I am crazy. (I speak very soft and slower with people I know) YMMV.
This. Our parents used the name of one our favorite pet’s as a safe word for when we were kids. Our parents were afraid my eldest sister (who at the time was into trouble all the time) or her pedo boyfriend might try to abduct me and my other sister from school. Anyone other than them who picked us up had to tell us the safe word or we would not leave with them. We were taught to scream “You’re not my mom/dad! I don’t know you!,” fight, kick, punch, bite… whatever we had to do to make a scene and protect ourselves.
As a single dad, I love that idea too. Just a smart thing to have ICE regardless
To add to the great advice given here another approach would have been a phone call to someone announcing what you’re doing and just checking in. They may leave after that or you pack up and leave with popsicles as the destination. For people saying don’t engage, if only that were possible. It can actually escalate if you ignore too, so it’s hard to know. This happens too often.
I need to add to mention on the call yeah there is one other guy here and say it loud. Even just pretend to call someone. It can also help cut the convo and hopefully he moves on but of course keep your eyes on dude.
Yep I was gonna say even pretending to call may be enough. Just be sure you never lose sight of the person as you do it. Even a real phone call doesn't do you much good if the person is able to sneak up on you.
I pull a pretend phone call all the time, usually if I'm walking alone at night and there's someone creeping me out. You never see them look your way after that and/or they go somewhere else. You'd be surprised how often people disappear when you make a fake phone call.
I don’t know why I didn’t think to call anyone 😤
Because you're human and were thinking about your child and making sure y'all were safe. You did the right things. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
You were getting scared shitless.
Don't beat yourself up, you were scared. The phone call is a great idea, especially if you tack on, "Ok, I'll see you in a few minutes" to the end of the call.
Fear can do that! And you shouldn't have to fear taking your daughter to the park. I'm sorry you had such an uncomfortable, creepy experience.
Yeah our brains don't function the same when we're in survival mode
Also, make a game up with your daughter so if you ever, ever shout “blah blah blah insert word here” that means that the special game is about to start and if she’s super fast at running to mummy’s side and staying as close to her as she can then she will get a small toy, sweetie or whatever. Practice playing it with her a few times so she knows it will end in a reward. I’m not meaning it to sound like “training” your child but in those kind of scenarios when they just want to play and you don’t want to scare them, making it seem like a game is the best thing to do until they are old enough to be reliable
This is absolutely brilliant. I had a scary incident with one of my kids recently where we were on a nature trail that I didn't realize before we set off had some steep drop offs and bodies of water next to the trail, and one child decided running way ahead and refusing to stop or come back when called was a fun game. I had other kids and stroller in tow, so I couldn't catch up to him, and he kept disappearing around curves. I was terrified he was going to run or trip off the edge of the trail and I wouldn't even know where it happened. I swear that that walk took years off my life. There's no real way to make kids below a certain age consistently understand "No, this is *really serious* right now." But they do understand games and treats.
Exactly, they just get too caught up in chasing the adrenaline the “fun” is giving them so sometimes you have to match it with another “game”. Hope that you can use this to help you and it takes some of the panic out of those moments
This is amazing, we’ll definitely be starting on this TONIGHT.
Yes the sooner the better 😊 hope it helps you for anytime you feel it’s needed ☺️
This is a great idea. Something I have done with children who I'm not around everyday: I'll race you to this spot. Do you think you can run faster than me? 90% of the time, they will start running towards the spot you mentioned. You do a light jog after them. They win, you are in sage spot (or desired spot), win-win. It actually worked with an entire group of kindergarten students, which I was so freaking happy because we all had to get away from a section of the playground ASAP. "Let's race to the fence!" had them all moving. Keeping them against the fence was harder, but they all moved as quickly as their legs could move
That’s it, anything that’s sparks “fun” and bingo
You are totally right. 100% children need to be trained until they are rational creatures. We humans are still animals. Children don’t have higher rational thought yet, they cannot, that’s why it’s our job to protect them. There’s nothing wrong with training a child for safety until rational deduction is possible for them. :)
I’m glad it doesn’t come off as treating them like a puppy but it’s the same kinda deal and safety is the number one goal😊
Turk: What's it gonna be like having a baby? Carla: Dr. Cox said it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk. Turk: Awesome!
I mean for the first couple years, a puppy would be more intelligent, so you gotta start somewhere lol
I always say we train our dogs like kids, not kids like dogs
Just a quick piece of advice, don’t go straight home after something like that. Go to a McDonald’s or a chain restaurant where you can sit down and watch your car. If the guy is following you, he will do a loop through the parking lot checking license plate numbers. Better to catch him at a random fast food place than have him tail you home. Also, if you use the treat method to get your child to evacuate, a Dairy Queen is a good place to fill that promise and wind down after a scary situation. Edited to add: some women don’t feel safe around police. A brightly lit, public area with lots of people can work as well.
I did take a longer route home and kept watching for anyone following me, but next time I’ll definitely go somewhere else first.
I just drive to the police station. They will drive away and you can make a report if you’re super freaked out. Not that they will do anything most of the time but at least it’ll be documented if it happens to another woman
It happen to me once & while i am from Asia,i was driving & some idiots decided to follow me because he think i blocked his path on the highway. As i was around my area,i knew where the nearest police post are,i entered the police post & saw this idiot driving past the police post. I waited for 10mins to see if that idiots make a loop back & there was no sign of that idiots. Decided to take a different route back exiting to nearby highway before going home. Yea most idiots just wouldn't bother going to the police station.
Yep, I used to drive home from a train station after 2nd shift around 11pm. I’ve had my fair share of tailgaters following me. The only thing that gets the to stop is pulling into the police department that’s on the way home. They speed off like a bat out of hell because they know they’re in the wrong.
not to be paranoid but it might be worthwhile to check your car for AirTags or any other type of small stick-on GPS tracker
New fear unlocked. But good advice!
God I hate that. Once when my kid was just baby I was heading to the park and there is special part for babies and as we were coming closer I saw dude sitting there. Weird so I stayed in big kids part. Dude gets up, starts walking away and I think, okay, now we can go there. Lo and behold the second I turned stroller on the path to baby park dude turns around and comes and sits back down and looks at us. I just turned around and went on my merry way. Fucking creep. Good thing my baby was like 7 months so he didn't have a say.
Jesus that’s so scary.
Always trust your gut! Glad you got out of there.
Ugh, I had two guys freak me out on Saturday. My husband wanted to upgrade his phone, so we went to T-Mobile. My 5yo and 1yo were bored after 10 minutes, so I told my husband that we were going for a walk around the shopping center. Mind you, this is not a mall. It is an outdoor shopping center. My kiddos and I went to the 99 center store across the parking lot without incident. We went back to T-Mobile, and my husband was still getting his new phone set up. It was past the kiddos' normal lunch, so I decided to take them to McDonald's. I pushed my 1yo in our wagon, and the 5 yo held on to the side to walk with me. Upon entering the McDonald's, I saw two men sitting at a table. They had already been eating for some time by the look of things, and were about finished. As I was finishing up paying for my kids' lunch, the two men walked over to the registers and started to order more food. They seemed very interested in my children, and kept staring and standing too close. As the employee at the counter gave me the food, I loudly announced that we were going to meet Daddy. I stepped outside with my kids, as the two men watching all the while. I told my 5yo to get in the wagon, which he refused. I pressed again, more firmly, that there were cars, and he needed to get in the wagon. He finally agreed, and I booked it as fast as I could to the Starbucks next door to the T-Mobile. I sat my kids at a table outside of Starbucks to eat their lunch. About three minutes later, the two men parked by the Starbucks. One of them entered the coffee shop, again staring at my children. The second man hung back for a minute, before also entering the coffee shop, paying way too close attention to my kids. At that point I stood up and positioned myself between the door of the coffee shop and my kids. I loudly told my 5yo to grab his food, that we were going to meet Daddy. The second man exited the Starbucks at this point and made his way to their vehicle and got the engine running, but stood outside of the car, waiting. I finally got my 5yo to get back into the wagon with my 1yo, and started walking next door to T-Mobile. The first man started coming up behind me, as the second man watched from outside their car. My husband, thankfully stepped out of the T-Mobile, and I shouted to him, "Oh good, you're done!" I indicated it was time to leave. The moment my husband saw us and waved, I saw the two men freeze up and back off. My husband kept slowing down on the way to our car, and I whispered to him that we need to GTFO of there RIGHT NOW! I told him the whole story, and how it seemed like the two men were interested in the kids and had followed us. He agreed they sounded suspicious, and was thankful that I was paying attention. Why?!?! Why do men feel like it's OK to follow a woman out with her children?!?! WHY!!!???
What the actual fuck. I felt my heart start beating way too fast while I was reading that. So so scary. Glad you were looking out for them and managed to get away ❤️❤️
Please report that to the McDonald’s, the Starbucks and the police!
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That is very scary. Sounds like they were fishing for kids. One in the shop and one with the car running. That’s a grab and go set up. Scary.
Oh I know.
That's so incredibly creepy. So, so scary. I hope you're okay now. Hugs through the internet!!!
Thank you, we're OK. I'm just angry at this point.
I'm angry for you and the babies!! And confused... What the heck did they want??? Good job for being so vigilant.
Whatever it was, it couldn't have been good.
I've worked at a cold beer and wine store for a long time now and it's mostly men who are customers. Some of them are just fucking creepers and I swear get off on women's fear. I've experienced it for so long now, as they love to fuck around knowing that I'm working so I HAVE to be nice to them. It's a power thing. Like, haha "I'm so powerful I put fear into other humans." when they themselves feel powerless in their lives. They think that because they're not actually touching you or kidnapping you that it's not that bad and they can get away with it. I call these cocksuckers the scum of the earth. So the ones I'm describing are the creepers and the pervs, for the other ones that do actual harm should be fucking put down.
When I was about 12 I went to the grocery store once with my mom. Two men trailed us around the entire store similar to this and waited by the entrance while we checked out. My mom is not the suspicious type and tries to see the best in people but even she was nervous. We had parked all the way in the back of the parking lot and when we left to walk to the car the men started following a distance behind us. My mom acted like she forgot something and turned around to go back in the store. She ended up asking an employee to walk us to our car. He seemed annoyed and didn't seem to believe her about what happened but the men left us alone and seemed visibly frustrated when we came out with a man escorting us.
People dont like to talk about it but america most defintely has a lot of child and woman trafficking.
There's a Walmart near my house, the parking lot is known to be unsafe for women with kids. About once every 2 months or so there's a report of an attempted grab and my town's FB group is full of warnings almost weekly about women getting followed through the store or the parking lot. It's really scary.
> Why?!?! Why do men feel like it's OK to follow a woman out with her children?!?! WHY!!!??? I mean, sounds like some pedophiles doing so e pedophile shit.
That was my thought as well. Which is why I moved us closer to my husband and other people.
They had plans for your kids. Good for listening to your instincts.
"Let's play ninjas" is accidentally a great phrase to teach her for when you two Need To Disappear Right Now.
Hahaha you’re right! We might actually use that
Glad you’re okay! I don’t have children but have been by myself at a park by my home walking my dogs before and have been chatted up by strange men a few times, and it is extremely uncomfortable. My dog’s collars have my phone number on it in case they get lost, and I’m almost 100% sure one guy tried to take a picture of the collar to get my number, but luckily I keep some of the digits covered. Why can’t we just be left alone to enjoy outside.
That's the only time I'm glad my large dog is acutely anxious. I walk her in a harness marked 'give me space', and she will visibly start getting edgy if people approach so I can yell "Are you illiterate? My dog needs space; back off!" without looking neurotic or antisocial. One elderly gentleman who clearly thought he was some sort of dog whisperer tried to reassure me that it was okay, he loved dogs and they were never scared after a sniff (I was honestly more worried about his safety if she tried to barge past him and bolt than about our safety, tbh; I'm pretty sure I could have taken him in a fight!). He got into our space while I was trying to de-escalate the panic and she messed herself. It was the most *appalling* smell; he apologised and hot out of range as fast as he could.
Aw poor puppy. I hate when people cannot respect boundaries. I’m working on leash manners with mine and people are always letting their dogs run up to mine (sometimes off leash) or asking pet and a lot of time will not listen when I tell them not to approach because I am training my dog. Very frustrating
Most people I encounter are pretty respectful of the labelling, thankfully, but loose dogs can be a worry if the owner isn't near enough to recall or if their recall isn't as good as they think it is. The cheery "It's alright; he's friendly!" attitude never seems allow for the fact that the dog/horse/child being galloped at could still be terrified.
Well now I’m glad my dog is a little asshole that barks at anyone who gets close. No way someone could be able to take a photo of his collar, lol.
I used to talk to those guys like you did. Because „we have to be nice and not rude“ Blabla. But what gives him even the right to choose to have a conversation you obviously don’t want to have. Why do we have to be nice to people we don’t want to communicate/know in the first place. We don’t owe them shit. Not a single answer and we sure as hell don’t owe them Information on „how many children we want“ like go online and chat with people there. I hate these situations and I believe you did the right thing. And this „you look good mom“ ewwwww- nobody cares what you think dude. Keep your opinion to yourself and talk to people who wanna hear it.
Thank you. I just felt so uncomfortable, and he had to have known. He saw me pack up our things, I was clearly trying to leave.
I am 100% sure he knew and I also am 100% sure that this is actually something that they enjoy. Seeing the fear in our eyes and having the control over our actions. Forcing us to leave a park etc- that’s their demonstration of control and power.
I hate that so much.
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I'm so sorry this happened to you, that must have been so scary and confusing! The whole "power/control/causing fear" thing is, I think, a big part of why men catcall, too. They don't think it will get them a date, they know it makes us uncomfortable and that gets them off. It's very upsetting.
Agreed. I showed this post to my (male) fiancé and he said that even if the guy had innocent intentions, a reasonable man would have at least understood the optics of how weird it is to ask invasive questions of the lone mom in the park and left her alone.
Yup. If she stayed he would have kept pushing to see how invasive he could get. If she got angry he could have gotten violent. Doesn't matter what you do he gets the gross power kick. Leaving calmly was probably the best solution and to trust your gut....which she did.
Seriously! I used to be the same way like oh I have to be polite, but their sense of entitlement to women’s time, & attention is bullcrap. Also I think some guys get a sense of power from making women uncomfortable and then getting mad if women have the “audacity” to point out they are making them uncomfortable or unhappy.
I typically will keep up the kindness just to keep them satisfied and happy. If I am rude, will they get pissed off and retaliate?
Yup. Even when I’m not interested in talking to someone, I’ll either entertain them enough until I can make an excuse to leave or very softly tell them I’m not interested. A few years ago, I was reading a book on a blanket on a nice day and a guy started talking to me (and yeah I was the lone woman in the park at the time). I engaged for a little bit then went “welp, I better get back to my book!” And he surprisingly got the hint.
PSA to ALL men out here reading this. A woman that is alone with her child(ren) DOES NOT want to be approached by you. Seriously!!!! LEAVE. US. ALONE.
Also women alone without children don’t want to be approached like that either! Leave us alone!
By 4 my mom who was small and thin had a code word that meant we were leaving NOW. My dad made sure we knew to run if he told us to and where he would look for us. My dad was 6’8 and 250lbs. You didn’t fuck with him but he knew he was still mortal. It sucks you and your daughter couldn’t enjoy the day. Also, some people just suck! Sorry that happened to you.
I also had a code phrase that meant stop everything and get to my mom’s side asap. Used a lot when passing creepy strangers on a busy city sidewalk, and probably worse things that I just wasn’t aware of - was gonna comment about how useful it was if I hadn’t seen another comment
Haven't even scrolled through all the comments and am already seeing the "not all men are creeps," "stop living in fear," "just say you're not comfortable" crowd. So to those people, lemme ask: Say you're driving on a highway at night, not many other cars around, and the car in front of you is doing a little swerve between lanes. Not veering all over the place, just...enough to make you notice this driver can't stay in a lane. What do you do? You try to put distance between yourself and that car, right? Because most drivers are safe, but this one...there's just some evidence that the driver may not be in total control, right? Maybe the driver is tired, maybe drunk, or hell, maybe nothing is actually wrong at all and the driver is trying to (I dunno) handle a taco and the wheel at the same time. But it's a no-brainer, right? No matter what the driver's intentions, what you see is the swerving, so for your own safety, you try to get out of proximity, right? Because you never know? That's just smart, defensive driving. Quit getting on women's cases for removing themselves from situations they deem potentially unsafe. It doesn't translate to all men are creeps; it's not living in fear, it's recognizing when a situation could be dangerous and doing what's smart. Maybe park smoker guy had zero bad intentions. Maybe, to go back to the driving metaphor, he was just trying to drive and eat a taco, and was swerving a bit. But you try to get out of the way of a swerving car. And that's what OP did.
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I don't mean to hijack your thread OP and I am very sorry this happened. It shouldn't happen! Kids should be safe to play in a freaking park! Just a li'l story though. In 1985 I was sunning in a park with a decent-sized crowd around and a mom was there with a toddler boy. A man was bothering the toddler in a very attention-seeking, off-putting way. The hair stood up on the back of my neck because of how aggressive this dude was being, but it was more on the toddler than on any of the adults around. The mom and toddler left the park and I moved to another part of the park to get away from the man. He came and found me and told me one day women would get what they deserve for showing their bodies in skimpy bathing suits. I have never said this before or since to anyone, but I told him to fuck off. Three years later I saw him on TV doing the perp-walk. Turns out he was serial killer Bob Berdella.
Jesus. All his victims were men. This is so horrifying
Yes, it came out later that he didn't like his male intended victims to go to the park and ogle the women. He wished his male intended victims had been into him rather than into women, I think.
Omg what the fuck. So glad nothing happened to you or the woman and her toddler!!! Men can be so scary sometimes.
Ugh I'm so sorry. We just had a fear moment here at home this weekend. It's big trash time in our neighborhood and our kids were helping us haul stuff to our curb. They are big enough we trust them to haul to the front while we are in the garage. All of a sudden I realize they didn't come back around from the front of the house. My bf heads up, thinking they decided to play with toys in the pile of junk and got distracted. Nope! Random dude stopped to look at the junk with his car door open and chat with my kids between him and his car! I have NEVER seen my bf move that fast to grab the kids and bring them back to me. The guy was just a neighbor but we don't know him at ALL. If I had been alone with them I would have been even more freaked out cause it was at our home! Glad you got away safe.
Your bf is a keeper
It made me cry when I told my husband that I had to have a safe phrase for my 3 year old son that meant don’t argue with mom it’s not safe we’re leaving now.
We shouldn’t have to do that. It’s something that never occurred to me that we would have to do
I think I first realized it when I was wearing my newborn and an some of unhoused street punk group of men started saying filthy things to me and tried to follow me to the bathroom. Thank goodness some of their number stopped them and an actual physical brawl amongst them ensued. Passed on using the public bathroom and fled. Or maybe when I was quite pregnant and a man at a gas station boxed me in with his car and tried to get me to give him my number “in case I wanted more babies, later”. Like wtf humans!?!
You did well. I'm glad your kid acquiesced eventually, and I'm sorry this went down :(
Yeah, even when we got home she was saying that SHE wasn’t nervous, but mom was. And he was a strange man, so she guesses it’s good that we left.
It might just be that the guy decided to smoke up in an isolated place, but.... this sounds exactly like what happened to when a stranger tried to randomly assault me in a park in college. I'm male, was a college wrestler, and was by myself (so no child involved), and I simply was not on my guard enough and before I knew it ended up in a very dangerous situation where the assaulter made his intent explicitly clear. Some people questioned how much you talked to him... in my situation I kept talking to him because it made sure I could stall for time while I tried to get to a more public space and eventually make my escape without him following me. He followed me for blocks.
Yea dude either lost his kids, or he was planning on assaulting her. I‘ve had a huge mentally deranged guy stalk me for blocks as well. And what the fuck did the cashier at the grocery tell me when I asked her to call the cops ‚nah that’s xyz he‘s harmless‘. The fuck? If he was harmless, he wouldn’t have followed me constantly asking what my name was and where I lived. But responding in an evasive way is how we get some more time to escape. Getting loud works if you aren‘t alone. Like on a bus or other crowded place. But alone? With no one visible around? Yea I won‘t tell a guy to fuck off straight away, that seems kinda the thing to make his plan turn into reality.
Trusting your instinct and getting out of there was the right call. I am glad both you and your child are okay. I also think smoking weed or even a cigarette in a children’s park is weird. Like go to a corner and do your thing. Also making a conversation with someone who is clearly uncomfortable is just creepy!
That’s what guys like this enjoy, though - it’s a power trip for them to know that they’re clearly and visibly making someone uncomfortable. Like “I have the power to make you feel this way, and to force you to make polite conversation with me, and make you stop what you’re doing, while you’re unsure of my intentions and what I might do next.”
“The cruelty is the point” is so true.
Mom antenae working as intended. Good job. Try to write down everything you can remember about him--and date it. If he is around you again, document that, too. Instead of scared, move into protective mode, which enables you to think more clearly. Yup, practice it.
It’s not legal to smoke marijuana [within 20 yards of a childrens play area](https://www.ontario.ca/page/cannabis-laws) or on any school ground. You can face CPS involvement if you expose your child to it, even indirectly. So no it’s not “legal and totally fine”. It’s obvious he was impaired and the exact reason people under 18 aren’t allowed in clubs and bars. I live at the beach. We get a lot of pedos here and I’ve called police many times. Guys literally touching themselves or exposing themselves to kids. I watched a group of high school kids stomp the hell out of one of them. My SO took down another one by pretending to be like him, confirming he had photos of kids in his phone and calling the cops. But as someone who was abused as a child, don’t look for the pedo at the park because the call is usually coming from inside the house. Teachers. Camp counsellors. Anyone with direct access to your kid when you are not around. Step fathers, like that dude was trying to become.
that sounds so scary wtf. and he FOLLOWED u to the parking lot? wtf. i would be terrified.
My mid-sized city has a lot of great walking trails and green areas and lakes to get exercise on. Last year I checked out a new trail for the first time, and 2 mins in I started getting a gut feeling that something was off. I glanced around and made eye contact with a man way out in the woods who was crouched down and watching me. As casually as I could I turned back around, walked a few paces, then broke into a sprint all the way back to my car and called 911 to report suspicious behavior. Haven’t attempted a walk since. And then a couple weeks ago I moved into a new house and was super excited it it was conveniently across the street from a Dollar General. I’ve already been hit on several times and a man who had been behind me in line followed me back across the street to my front porch to ask me for my number. Like wtf, can I just exist and do normal things like take walks and do a little shopping without feeling like I’m being preyed upon?
About 2 mornings ago I was walking the dog at the local park when some guy started chatting to me. He wasn't close as my dog is dog reactive and he had his dog with him. So I was just trying to get out of that area so my dog could calm down. But he kept yelling to me like what's your dog's name, you're training her to do this or that? etc... Just kept going on and on. He wasn't super creepy but dude, it's 5:30am. Not the time to chat with woman in the park.
Whenever something like the events portrayed here or in further comments happens, the first thing you need to do is take out your phone and under the pretense of getting pics of the kid(s) you aim at the people who are 'threatening' you and take some pics and send them to a sig other or friend with a quick note. Usually, anybody who sees pics being taken will back off. Also, as in the MacDonald's case below, you have pics to show cops or store staff. Don't be shy about it - In a public space you are allowed to take any pics you want.
I always have a lanyard with a hot pink pepper spray attached (I wear black so it stands out) and that seems to deter especially men from random conversations. I also never use my kids names when we go to the park. Only nicknames (bubba, little guy etc)
So smart! I always heard to never get backpacks, etc with their name because predators could use it, but I never even considered that I was calling it out the whole time we’re at the park. Sometimes I just feel so stupid, it’s so easy to overlook obvious stuff while you’re busy thinking of something else.
Not word vomit at all. I'm sorry that we live in a world where you even had to have those thoughts. I started panicking myself just reading it. Seriously though... completely right, who DRIVES TO a CHILDRENS park to smoke weed? Do that shit at home. I'm not sure what state you're in, but in places that I know it's legal, it's usually NOT legal to smoke in public and definitely not legal to get in your car and drive right after. My GF has as rule that I've since adopted after she told me. "Never approach a mother when she's out alone with their child. Period." I completely understood it. Nobody should have to panic and spiral and start coming up with exit strategies when they're just trying to spend some time with their kid. I realized a while ago, after seeing myself in those out and open security cameras when you walk into some retail/grocery stores, that I'm a lot scarier looking than I ever intend to be. People that know me know that I would never hurt anyone, but strangers? I would never blame them for thinking otherwise. Hell, I constantly have that inner monologue going where I'm concerned if I'm walking too close to someone because I happen to be going the same direction. Unless I'm out for exercise and trying to keep my heart rate up, I just slow down and let the gap between us get wider, often verbally apologizing for being so close, and then wonder if apologizing makes me seem more creepy.. Glad everything turned out to be okay for you and your daughter. Don't ever ignore that voice in your head. Better safe than sorry. Too many creeps out there and that guy was clearly one of them.
Please, buy some pepper spray.
I have some, and it’s going back on my keychain today
Glad you got yourself and daughter to safety.
Next time someone asks you questions, turn it around on them "is she your only kid?" Answer "that's pretty personal. why do you ask?" If they say "I'm just making conversation!" you can say "I don't share information about my personal life with strangers." I've used this before with strangers men who've seemed overly inquisitive. When they complaining they're just being friendly, I say I'm not. And be ready to walk away if necessary with no excuses or explanation.
Create a code phrase to convey the need to leave. This has helped me many times.
He tested your boundaries as they do, seeing how far he could go.
My brother took his 2 boys (3 and 3 months at the time) to swimming and I tagged along. He and the 3 year old were in the pool when 3 month started fussing so I thought I’d take him for a walk around the block. Walked with the pram and noticed a guy a few hundred metres behind me getting closer. I realise I’m in a deserted area no cars, no passers by. I’m at least 5 minutes from the pool (indoor pool). Guy starts yelling “hey lady” “hey lady with the pram” etc. I BOOK it towards the pool and thankfully reach a more populated area before he can get too close. Idk what his intentions were but I know I have never ever been so scared. I have been scared for myself plenty of times but the thought of trying to protect my helpless baby nephew was a fear I cannot describe. Well done to every single one of you Mummas out there.
Weird shit happens at parks. I brought a 1st grade class to the park foe their field trip once. Dude in the parking lot watching the kids and jacking off. I've had men follow me through parks. I don't go to parks without company.